From Problem Solving To More Love – Step 3

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If problem-solving is stressing you out – if it’s making you feel angry and triggering your need to control everything (we all have this going on…) then here’s the next step to helping yourself. 

You’re going to KEEP A LOG.

Often, in the flurry of the energy we spend trying to solve a problem so it’ll turn out the way we want it to – especially with our man, WE get left behind.

We often through ourselves “under the bus” just to get what we THINK we want.

In Post 1 of this series, you made a list of all your “problems.” 

Then, we FLIPPED the “problems” into what you WANT instead of what you’re spending energy worrying about.

Now we’re going to start shifting your process of dealing with these things in a way that will reduce your stress, make you feel more peaceful, and bring your man closer, instead of pushing him away with all your unsaid thoughts and feelings. 

We’re going to get you out of problem-solving mode and into a way of Being that’s about EXPERIENCING.

So –

1. Take your lists, read over both the “problem” list and the Flipped list, and get really, really familiar with them.  I want you to start keeping a log of what comes up most often for you.

Also,

2. Remember how we sensed and found the “Themes” in Daria and Reshi’s lists?

See if you can find your most common Themes.  See if it’s “I’m not good enough – I don’t deserve what I want” – or if it’s “I feel guilty and bad just because I WANT something, or I could hurt somebody if I got what I want” or – “It’s just not in the cards for me, that’s the way it goes.”  If you come up with something all your own – be sure to tell me about it…

3. Now – I want you to keep a written LOG, where you keep track of every time you notice the Themes from your lists, the “problems” on your list – and even the Flipped WANTS on your lists coming up and taking over your brain and body.

Do it methodically – this way:

A. See if you can catch yourself when you’re in your head with a Theme, or with a specific “problem” or a specific “Want” from any of your lists.  See if the words of the Theme and the problem and the Want are actually going through your mind.

B.  When you catch yourself – I want you to notice your BODY.  Really get in tune with it.

Notice what you’re eyes are doing, and your mouth.  Notice your shoulders – are they tense and up or relaxed and down (Spend some time tensing your shoulders and then relaxing them so you’ll be able to recognize your natural body states more easily and quickly).

Notice your pelvis, and all your feminine parts – your vagina (up high inside you and down low, where it’s lips meet the air), and the vulva, all around the bones in front – notice if you’re holding on to them, or if they’re relaxed and easy (again – tense them and then relax them so you can get familiar with how you naturally hold them).

C. Write down what you notice – the themes, your body state, and when and where it happened.  See if you can notice something that triggered all of it – something at work, something your man said, something you saw.

D. In the evening, take a look at your day’s LOG – see if you can find a pattern. 

For instance: Your man says something, or you see something in the newspaper, or something happens at home and you suddenly feel something or wish something or want something. 

See if there’s an order to things – 1. This happens, 2. I think this theme, 3. My body feels this way. 

Also – look at it in REVERSE.  1. My body feels this way, 2. I’m thinking this Theme, 3. This just happened.

You are now becoming the detective of YOU. 

You’re not hunting down the mystery or the psychology of WHY any of this happened, or HOW it all got started in your life – you’re just identifying the patterns.

Remember this while you’re Discovering and Identifying – the MOST IMPORTANT part is your BODY STATE.

As we go along, we’re going to work backwards – starting with your BODY – because we want to get you out of your HEAD and into your BODY.

The Body holds the key to all this. 

As we work together, I want to make sure you’re not ANALYZING, or THINKING about this – because that’s not where the healing is. 

It’s important to NOTICE things, to catch yourself – and the Healing is in your Body.

So, let me know what you discover, and we’ll keep on.

Love, Rori

 

 

30 Comments

  1.  #1Daria on September 28, 2008 at 7:40 pm

    I don’t ever recall having the theme words in my head. Mine are more like the flip of my theme… the world cannot get on fine without me taking an action or doing something, everything will go bad if I don’t carry the burden. I am meant to carry this burden, only I can. (this comes with a sense of pride). Sometimes also overwhelm and sometimes hopelessness.



  2.  #2Daria on September 29, 2008 at 10:31 pm

    Having a hard time noticing what is it that caused the thought or feeling…



  3.  #3Reshi on September 30, 2008 at 10:59 am

    So far I’ve noticed that my “theme” shows up practically all day, every day. I don’t always notice the triggers, but yesterday I definitely was triggered by calls I made at work that didn’t go as I hoped. In my body, it is mostly in the form of a low-grade depressed feeling, like a lead ball behind my eyes. I’ve also noticed that my butt is always clenched and I can’t even feel my feminine parts while this is going on.

    Then this morning my husband did all sorts of good things and I found some of my flipped Wants being triggered–and I just felt radiant and warm and expansive and full of energy all over.

    Rori, you’re incredibly insightful in the way you diagnosed my theme just from reading my list of worries. How did you get to be such a genius? I’ve been afraid of myself, afraid of being powerful and successful on my own, for as long as I can remember. I deliberately choose jobs that are far less challenging and lower-paying than I could handle, and I don’t pursue my own interests for fear that I might make my man, who is pretty much supporting me financially, angry by spending money on them. In this way I hold myself hostage and keep myself stuck.



  4.  #4Rori Raye on September 30, 2008 at 12:45 pm

    I can’t tell you how thrilled I am at how you’ve taken this little bit of a Tool and run with it – you are SO brilliant and brave to allow yourself to become so self-aware. I’m going to jump off of your comment here to take you further…I’ll put a link here when I have it.

    Meanwhile – just keep this up. In a matter of days, you’ll feel much stronger.

    Let me know…Rori



  5.  #5stacey on October 1, 2008 at 1:24 pm

    so here are what i believe are the “themes” from my problem list:

    i feel selfish for wanting to be happy.
    i feel undeserving and selfish to want what i want.
    the world will punish me for not being perfect enough to deserve love, happiness, money, success etc.
    People who claim to care about me have a right to treat me like shit because they can’t help it.

    here’s what it feels like when these ‘themes’ get triggered:

    it feels like my boss is taking a very sharp pencil and stabbing it into my heart. on purpose. and then pretending he is logical and innocent and even ‘looking out for my best interests.’

    other things i felt not to do with my work situation but my love and life situation when triggered:

    it feels like my heart is wrapped tight in saran wrap and can’t breathe or function properly.

    it feels like hollowness in my vagina

    it feels like my whole face drops and feels heavy

    i feel impotent and hopeless and needing to really figure out how to survive the situation rather than leave it. (like i’m a hostage / prisoner and my situation is bad but if i leavce it will be worse so i need to stay and make it work for me somehow.)

    on that note, i told the guy i was seeing, i told him this morning that i didn’t want to settle for less than what i deserve or dream of and i understand we just want different things and its no one’s fault and i need to move on.

    i feel sad. yet empowered and scared.



  6.  #6Rori Raye on October 1, 2008 at 3:41 pm

    Stacy, I’m writing a post about your wonderful comment… it’s the next step in the series – just click here, Love, Rori



  7.  #7Reshi on October 4, 2008 at 10:43 am

    Hi Rori,
    I just wanted to follow up with something I discovered while I was keeping my log. It just about bowled me over.
    I was listening to some music that triggered intense feelings of abandonment, picturing my husband leaving me for another woman, intense rejection. And then, a few moments later, I found myself feeling turned on. And THEN I realized that the same pattern has happened several tmes in my life, and in the past I would follow those urges and try to initiate sex with my husband. I mean, seriously! It was like the Universe was saying “On, you’re putting out feelings of rejection? Here, I’ll give you a way to get more of that!’ And since I didn’t know any better, I took the bait, and guess what happened every single time? Yeah, more rejection.
    So now thanks to you I can notice those feelings coming up and decide NOT to act on them, and that feels powerful. Of course, I’m also angry that I have a pattern like that in the first place, and wonder what if anything can be done to change it…



  8.  #8Marplot on October 13, 2008 at 9:16 pm

    When I’m scared my heart starts beating very quickly, my body temperature goes up and I feel frantic. I feel like I want everything to go away, I feel like I need a hug. My muscles contract, my heart feels like its being sucked apart.

    When I feel guilty I a sharp prick in my heart and then I feel like I have a dark storm cloud pushing me down.

    When I feel rejected I feel numb and a bit like crying. My eyes feel puffy and my throat tightens. I feel like curling up.

    The fear part seems to hurt the most.



  9.  #9ann on October 18, 2008 at 3:51 pm

    I have the theme of not being good enough, that anything I do won’t be good enough for others. Which in turn makes me angry, then I react with snide remarks or yelling, or withdrawing. All of which, will help others feel justied in being defensive at me. My body may tense up, head hurt, heart race, or everything goes numb. Just don’t feel, then I want feel the rage. I’m slowly learning to speak from my heart or to say I don’t feel like disussing it. When I can speak in a calm voice it helps me feel more in control of myself. Safier with me more powerful.

    I’ve been reading Rori’s stuff for a while, and truthfully, practicing tools here & there. I feel like this blog will be helpful to me because of the sharing with each other. I feel accountable here. There is nothing I HAVE to do here but if I want to grow, enjoy life more, be my best me & get some of the great results the other ladies here are getting I will do the work. Thanks ladies for sharing, Thanks Rori for guiding us.



  10.  #10Andrea on October 22, 2008 at 12:13 pm

    Hmm Rori, tell me if I’m catching on…

    1. Im at a meeting with the Developer today who was the same Developer who decided not to hire me, yet I still have to work for them for another two weeks
    2. I’m thinking what’s going to happen to me? Will another job come up so I don’t feel the pressure to move? Why do I have to go through this? Why didn’t they choose me?
    3. My neck is stiff my shoulders are tense, my stomach is nausous.



  11.  #11Rori Raye on October 22, 2008 at 12:22 pm

    Yes, Andrea – great start.

    Now – I want you to FLIP all these worries, whenever they come up – catch yourself and FEEL the pain of the worry or problem, and then instantly FLIP into what you WANT.

    YOU WANT a great job.
    You WANT to stay in town and not move
    You WANT to feel respected and loved and appreciated and highly paid..

    And so on…and when you write about this for awhile, we’ll move on to to the Riff…Love, Rori



  12.  #12Andrea on October 23, 2008 at 5:10 am

    1. My shoulder aches. There is a shooting pain going up my left shoulder to my neck. My neck is tense.
    2. Why? Why does/did he think I deserve to be treated this way? Why doesn’t/didn’t he respect me? Why didn’t I protect myself? Why didn’t God protect me? Why can’t I get my focus off of him? Why can’t I be more accomplished and more motivated?
    3. I woke up sad and unmotivated.

    I want…
    To me happy and care free. I want to attract any man I desire.
    I want Jim to show up and desire me to where he will never stop chasing me and I want the power to feel I have more options and I want to feel I don’t need him and I could take him or leave him.
    I want Jim to show up or call and apologize and beg for forgiveness and I want to feel that I take him or leave him.
    I want to be so happy that I can feel like I can do anything.
    I want to wake up happy, free and motivated. I want to have a purpose.



  13.  #13Cassandra on October 29, 2008 at 2:32 pm

    ok…I think that I have found the 3rd step and that I can use the post that I did from last night (on If Your Boyfriend Wants Space – Focus on YOU) as an example of the themes that I found in step 1- Problems and step 2 – Flips.

    Last night still stands out so clearly in my head because this happens so often. I end up feeling kicked to the curb because he does not want to talk/ spend time with me/ hang out/ go out to dinner….whatever the case may be. it doesn’t really matter I don’t think because MY FEELINGS are always the same….I am not enough….I am not good enough and never will be…….My feelings and needs to not matter to him or anyone else……noe one cares about ME……I feel dismissed by him…kicked out of his way so to speak…..how dare I ask for what I need…how dare I have needs, feelings or wants…..that I am totally powerless in this relationship……that he is going to do whaqt he wants, when he wants, how he wants and to hell with me and my feelings…..I DON”T MATTER!

    As far as noticing what is happening with my body…I can clearly feel that even now when I am not even in that particular place right this very moment. I was so tense that my shoulders most likely met up with my ears…..my lips are curled downward….tears streaming down my face…..my eyes burn from the tears…..my face hurts from the muscles in my face stretching out so much from me crying so hard…..my chest hurts…it actually hurts…..my stomach feels as though it is going to get rid of everything in it as though I am going to physically throw up…..and my back muscles ache….

    This was all triggered by our phone conversation where once again he completely dismissed me because he did not want to be on the phone. we weren’t even talking about anything deep like emotions…we were just on the phone. I was missing him…he has been gone all week and will not be back until Friday and I just wanted to be on the phone with him. Our phone conversation and his demeanor triggered it all.

    Rori….Am I on track with any of this? I am not sure.
    Love and hugs…
    Cassandra



  14.  #14Cassandra on October 29, 2008 at 2:35 pm

    BTW…..referring to our call last night…i did not call him. He calls me every night to ‘tuck me in over the phone’ when he is on the road and that was the call….so he had called me. Oh…another thing….he has been calling me alot more these last few days…not sure what to think of that since you told me to beware of that.



  15.  #15Cassandra on October 29, 2008 at 2:37 pm

    sorry to post again…..I am getting scared of the weekend coming…he will be home and I am terrified to be left alone all weekend…again. I am scared that we will not spend any time together at all and any that we do spend will only be because I live in our home with him……it will only be spent out of default. 🙁



  16.  #16Rori Raye on October 29, 2008 at 10:11 pm

    Cassandra – right now you’re knee-deep in your pain. Add to that the confusion of simply trying to figure out a next step for yourself.

    I know it’s hard – but just try to focus on the next steps – which are about FLIPPING your problems and pain into the positive thing that you DO WANT.

    Then comes the RIFF – which processes all the feelings that come up when you really WANT something – all the emotional and physical bouncing back and forth – and follow the comments of the other women working here too, to keep you on track – keep working toward Flipping everything constantly by turning the negative into the powerful, positive, WANT, and then going into your body to track the sensations and feelings, and LOVE every one of them – no matter what you THINK about them. Try it, and I’ll comment.

    After that comes some action steps out of what you LIKE – and what feels good to you. Love, Rori



  17.  #17Cassandra on October 30, 2008 at 6:29 am

    Rori,
    Thank you for your input and guidance. You are right about me being knee-deep in pain. I feel like I can’t even see straight. Nonetheless, I WANT to get out of that pain and feel that I can move through your steps to a place of real and true love and acceptance of myself, no matter what he thinks, feels or does (or anyone else for that matter). I took my comments from the post that you responded to above and tried to flip them into what it is that I do want.

    “I end up feeling kicked to the curb because he does not want to talk/ spend time with me/ hang out/ go out to dinner…I am not enough….I am not good enough and never will be…….My feelings and needs to not matter to him or anyone else……noe one cares about ME……I feel dismissed by him…kicked out of his way so to speak…..how dare I ask for what I need…how dare I have needs, feelings or wants…..that I am totally powerless in this relationship……that he is going to do whaqt he wants, when he wants, how he wants and to hell with me and my feelings…..I DON”T MATTER!”

    I want to feel that I matter to him…I want to feel that I matter to ME…NO matter what his behavior is, I want to matter to ME…I want him to genuinely care about my feelings…I want to feel and know that he loves me….i want him to treat me in a way that shows me that he loves me……If he does not want to spend time with me – I want to be ok with that and do MY own thing although I have to find a ‘thing’ to do….I want to have my own thing to do…I want to get back into the things that I love to do without anxiety or fear being present while I am doing them…I want to not worry about what he is going to do – whether it be with or without me…I want to feel safe and strong to do MY thing…I don’t want to feel stuck in our house out of fear as though I can’t leave the house…I want to be able to go out and DO THINGS that I enjoy again…I want to be able to say no and be heard and respected …I want to feel that I DO matter and am important…I want to feel that I matter and am important to MYSELF…When I am able to go out and do things that I want to do – I want to enjoy my time and focus on me and those things and NOT on what he is doing, thinking or feeling…I want to learn how to REALLY focus on me and be ok with that…I want to feel strong…I want to feel free to be ME…I want to feel loved and accepted for being me…I want to learn how to just BE…I want to be a pond and learn how to recieve and stay in receiving…I want to go thru each one of these steps correctly over and over again so that I get them engrained into my being and can easily flow thru them…..I want to feel free like I am an angel flying over the clouds…..I want to feel safe again…I want to rely on myself…I want to be the Helper and not the Helpee…..I want to be powerful within myself…I want to cry…. I want to feel safe crying…..I want to fulfill my purpose and NOT focus on him or any other man for that matter….I want to sing again…I want to dance again…I want to compete again…I don’t want to feel desperate…I want to feel in control of my emotions…I want to be able to really feel my emotions and get to the place where I love them….really love them and not feel shame about having them…..

    Rori…I think I have the flipping down here…at least I feel good about it. it does feel good to do that after a little while and then suddenly things just start to flow out of your heart…..kind of cool…actually REALLY cool!
    🙂 Before I get into the riff….I need to go back and look at some of the other posts so that I know I am on track….for now though is this better?

    Thanks Rori….with love and hug and I will also post my first riff sometime today too. Wooohooooooo!! 🙂
    Love, Cassandra



  18.  #18Rori Raye on October 30, 2008 at 9:15 am

    MUCH better, Cassandra – and the way you know that is that you FEEL better. Love, Rori



  19.  #19Cassandra on October 30, 2008 at 4:49 pm

    Well I just had another ‘bad call’ with my fiance’ and once again, I can’t stop crying…….I want him to treat me with respect…I want him to love me the way that he used to…I want him to treat me like he used to rather than just as someone that is living in our house until I can get a job and move out…i want him to care about me and miss me…..I feel so sad……..I can’t stop crying and again my eyes are burning from the tears….I don’t want my eyes to be burning like they are….I feel like I am going to throw up again…I don’t wsant to feel like that…….I feel like a piece of trash….I want to feel like a princess not a piece of trash…..I want to feel strong…i want to feel that his bad behavior does not affect me…..how am I going to take this time that I have to be here until I can get a job and move out? I want to be ok with having to live here with him until I get a job and can move out….I want to feel that I CAN DO THIS…I want to feel strong….I want to feel that he does not matter to me anymore……I want things to work out with us and for things to be right…..I want to know that I am ok if they don’t…..I don’t want to be disregarded and treated as though I don’t even exist…..I want to spend time with him…I don’t want to spend time with him…..I want to have friends here that I go and do fun stuff with…I want to know other people here other than him and his brother and sister-in-law…I want to have MY OWN thing….I want to have my own friends……I want to go do the things that make ME happy and not even tell him what I am doing and with whom I am doing it…I want him to wonder where I am and what I am doing……I want to feel that I have a life….I don’t want to be dependent on him anymore….I want him to be proud of me….I want to be proud of me….I want when he comes home from work to be just puttuing the finishing touches on my hair and outfit as I am getting ready to walk out the door looking hot hot hot and for HIM to ask ME where I am going and what I am doing….i want him to ask to spend time with me….I want him to feel that he can’t stand to NOT spend time with me anymore…..I want HIM to be AFRAID of LOSING ME…….I want HIm to be begging to spend time with ME…..I want to be able to tell him NO – I have other plans….I want weekend after weekend to go by when HE is asking to be with me and spend quality time with me and I get to tell him NO – I am busy…..I don’t want to spend time with him anymore…I don’twant to WANT to spend time with him anymore…….I want to tell him where to go…..I want us to be ok and I hate that I want us to be ok….I love him and I hate that I still love him…why do I love him? I don’t even know anymore…I want to NOT love him anymore……….I want a good job….I want to move as soon as I can….I feel broken that a possible other option that I had to move to Atlanta fell through…..I want to find another option….I want to find the cutest new place of my own with a soaking bathtub with the jets in it for my nightly bubblebaths….I don’t want him to know where I am moving to…..I want to rebuild my life so that it is better than it was before I gave it all up for him……I want to have my own friends here that do not associate with him…….i want him to want me….I want him to miss me…..I want to be asked out by someone else and say yes….I want to feel desirable again….I don’t want to feel this fear and anxiety anymore….I don’t want to feel the fear that I feel about spending the holidays either alone or with him and the family……I don’t want to think about the holidays…I want to feel FREE to be ME and have him on his knees begging to be with ME…I want him to see me all dolled up and get to tell him I am going out by myself without himand don’t know when I will be home….I want to sty out until 2:00am dancing salsa and have him wonder wher in the heck I am …..I want someone to treat me right….I want to be held as I cry as long as I need to be held…..I want to go to sleep in his arms….I don’t want to love him anymore…I do want to love him but I want thinsg to be right….I want him to pay for waht he has done to me and for how he has played GOD with my life…I want him to tell me that he is finally ready for us to get married and tell him NO!!……I want to move out as fast as I can….I don’t want to have to leave our home….I feel sick that he gets to stay here in our home and I am the one that has to move!…..I don’t want to feel sad thatI am the one that has to move….i want to think of it as a new start…I want to see the glass half full…I want to know that moving out is best for ME and feel good about it….i want so badly to be loved and cherished….I want to be married andhave a family of my own…i want to belong to someone who will adore me in every way…i want to belong somewhere…I want to know that I deserve to have the things that I want….I want to truly love myself and not care anymore about him.

    Rori, after our call I felt all of these horrible emotions and I tried to turn them all around into the ‘what I DO wants’…I am not sure how I did here but I hope that I am on the right track.
    Love and hugs….
    Cassandra



  20.  #20Cassandra on October 30, 2008 at 4:50 pm

    BTW….I do feel better after having done the last post…..not as good as I want to feel but I do feel better. 🙂 and at least I am not crying anymore…I hate that I cry…I want to love that I cry.
    Love,
    Cassandra



  21.  #21Rori Raye on October 30, 2008 at 5:00 pm

    Cassandra – you’re doing incredibly. Now – I want you to keep working with these Tools because I want you to get to the “Channeling” one.

    I want you to start being “creative” about what you can do for yourself now.

    That means sit down and write out all your options – where to live, where to get a job – everything, as if he were not in the picture.

    As you’re writing – all kinds of stuff is going to come up – work with the feelings exactly as you’re doing now – and KEEP GOING.

    After you do the Channeling Post, you’ll have an ACTION list, and I want you to continually move through the process – Problem – Flip – Riff – Deep Sensations – Channel Actions….so that you feel stronger every time a challenge arises. Love, Rori



  22.  #22Cassandra on October 30, 2008 at 7:41 pm

    Rori,
    Thank you for your encouragement and direction. This is tremendously helpful to me as I go through these steps I have not been too sure if I have been on track. I am not sure that I understand the Channeling though. Also, in my post above was that a combination of problem, flip, riff and deep sensations? I know for sure it was problem and flip but I was not sure if it was Riff and Deep Sensations and if it was the latter 2…it was totally by accident! LOL At least if it was…it was a good accident! 🙂 I have been noticing all throughout these last few days that I am completely immersed in my own thoughts and how I feel physically….as in what is going on in my body. I have never been so aware of what is going on inside me like this before…..and I find myself constantly thinking….’ok…what am I feeling…..what am I focusing on..the problem or the flip” it is an awesome feeling and I have even noticed that I have not been so hard on myself when the ‘bad’ feelings come rushing in to the degree that during the awful call with my fiance’ or whatever he is I definitely had those feelings of ‘I am not good enough’ so I tuned him out and walked myself thru what I think is the process…

    “OK…so I don’t feel good enough…that’s ok…..because I know that I am good enough even if he does not treat me as thoug I am…who is he to decide if I am good enough or not? Even if I wasn’t good enough then that’s ok too because who made the rules about who is good enough and who is not? I am good enough and that’s that…who cares what he thinks or does or even feels…I AM GOOD ENOUGH and to hell with him if he can’t see that right now or ever…….I want things to be right with him…I want him to be happy to hear my voice and excited to be coming home to me tomorrow…He said that he can’t wait to see me tomorrow…I don’t believe him…I want to believe him but I don’t…He also said thqat he does hope that once I move that GOD will work in both of us and in our relationship and fix things and bring us back together….I want to believe him but I don’t…..how crazy is that? Move out so that GOD can fix things only to move be back home again? I don’t believe him at all…….He says that he wants to spend Saturday and Saturday night together….I don’t want to spend time with him….ok yes I do want to spend time with him but I am not sure that I should…..I think that he is just biding his time until I move…….he says that he is not and that this is all hard on him too…i want it to be hard on him…..I am scared that he is coming home tomorrow I want him to come home…I don’t want him to come home…I want him to love me still…..and that’s ok to want that but is that good for me…does he deserve me? I want him to love me and I hate wanting him to love me…I have a good heart and both he and I know it….”

    I was able to tune him out for a moment to get into the steps at least for a minute and that in itself felt so good. I still don’t know what the channeling is though..can you help me on that one Rori? 🙂

    As far as a plan…..where can I live? Well once I get a job that can support me I can live anywhere I want to….I want to move far away from here….I don’t want to be far away from him in case things do work out…..I will so miss our home…our yard….our trees and mums and my rabbits…….my pool…..can things work out or do I just need to close my heart to that? I don’t know what to do about that.

    When i move, due to money I figured that I wouold stay in the same city but I dont’ have to…I can go anywhere I want..how cool is that? Who gets to go anywhere they want to? I can go anywhere! WOW! I don’t think that I want to go too far away though….part of me still wants to be close to him in case things do work out but if they don’t I am still within a 6 hour drive of all of my closest friends. I do like it here though..I like this city…it is slow and peaceful and they do have Salsa dancing! I really don’t know where I will go or what I will do. I can’t really decide that until I have a job…..As far as a job, I am looking every single day but so are the other 7000 people here that are out of work. I know that something will come but I have to keep trying….it is like that all over the country though. That part really does not upset me that much because I know that it will come…the pard part ofthat is that without that job…I am stuck here….that does not feel good.

    Thank you so much Rori….Your encouragement means the world to me.
    With love and hugs….
    Cassandra



  23.  #23Cassandra on October 31, 2008 at 8:48 am

    I am trying so hard to focus on ME and because being selfish in my family was always a bad things it scares me to focus on me..I am also afraid because now – even though I am growing out of old awful, destructive behavioral patterns – I am forced to FEEL all of my emotions..even the ones that scare the crap out of me……I guess though that having even those scary emotions is good because at least I can feel things…..I love that I can fel things…some people don’t allow themselves to feel anything but I do….i love that about me….that is one of the things that makes me special is that I feel things deeply and can’t hide emotions because that is how I am ……..that is a good thing…i would not want to be someone who does not allow themselves to feel…….plus if I am going to get to where I am doing what I am called to do in this life again I have to be able to FEEL what is in my heart and move that outside of me so that other people can feel the good things too…..if I can’t allow myself to really connect with all of my feelings including the pain and the fear then how can I be a blessing to other people? HOw can I do what I am suposed to do? When I am singing if I don’t allow myself to feel the sad, hurt and pain in a song then how can I move anyone else?…..now I actually remember that I have been told by people that I don’t even know that when I am singing that they were so moved because I really felt what it was that I was singing about so SEE! That is a good thing YAY for me!! 🙂 …no a great thing actually….now I can’t wait to get back into rehearsals….I can’t wait to get back into the studio and do what I am supposed to be doing….all of these opportunities have been coming my way and I have been saying NO because of what Charles thinks or feels but he no longer gets a say so…..I get to make that decision about when, if and where I will sing again……but I feel scared to go against what he says right now because I am still living in our/his home….I hate that I am living here…I hate that I ever moved here…..I want to be ok with that ….i want to feel proud that I took a chance rather than feel angry and hateful toward him and myself for taking me out of what I know for something that was not even real…..he is not who he said that he is…not at all…..I am the strong one here though…he is the coward…I took a leap of faith and even though I fell on my face..I stepped out there…most people would stay in their box because that feels safe but NO! I stepped out there…..I am proud of that…I feel good because of that….I steppd out there with courage….I love that about me…it makes me strong….it makes me different……it makes me special…..so what if HE is the one that is too scared to move forward…I want to be with someone who is the BOY…who is strong and wil let ME be the girl……I am feeling sad about losing one of my best friends….perhaps I haven’t lost that friendship but it feels like I have and that makes me feel so sad…..I already feel like i have lost everything else……my heart feels so heavy as though someone is sitting on it so it can’t breath…it can’t get the blood thru it and it is a sad…..dark suffocating feeling….hey that is the same way that I feel when Charles is home now……dark….deep…..oblivious….as though there is no light anywhere around me anymore….. as though I am at the bottom of the ocean where there is no light…no warmth….no anything…….and I am all alone down there in that place…..it is scary…..even my lungs feel heavy as though I am breathing through a piece of fabric and have to take deeper breaths because of being so constricted…..just as I acknowledged THAT I felt this wonderful feeling of FREE come over me for a moment and it made me smile…it felt like sunshine……I think that my heart even smiled…..I am scared that Charles is coming home soon…I don’t want him to come yet…i want to still get to work on me without him around….well I guess though that this will be an opportunity to see how far I have come even in these last few days….there is the Haloween BBQ tonight and though I have have been looking forward to it I no longer want to go as it will be Charles and I and 5 other guys….I actually don’t want to spend this evening with him at all….I don’t feel desparate to be with him tonight….i feel like I want to be home ….here in front of the computer working on ME…this feels so awesome…I feel lighter now……I feel like there is light in my heart right now…..even the tension on my forhead feels to have have lifted and my shoulders are no longer up to my ears……this feels good….it feelso good to NOT want to be with him tonight even though I have been looking forward to this for weeks…of course I thought that the Moms and kids would be there but that all changed……maybe it changed for me? Perhaps God worked that all out so that I could see that I do WANT to have ME time without Charles…where I don’t WANT to be with him….last night in our conversation he said that he was looking forward to seeing me when he got home today..I don’t want to be here when he gets home…I want to be out at the gym perhaps?….I feel good not wanting to be with him…to not want to spend tonight with him…..I have not felt like this in a long long while….ever actually…I have always weanted to spend time with him especially after being alone all week long but TODAY is different….I have made today different!!! ……I want to be with ME! I love me for that…I love me for the work that I am doing here…I love me for all my emotions…the good and the bad which are really good ones too just disguised for a little while until they are freed and then they get to see their good side…..i think that this is a whole new breakthrough for me……I have never felt so accepting of ME of my emotions and have certainly never loved them….. I have always fetl shame around them…I love me for that!…..I think that I am going to go learn a new song and then go to the gym …….this feels so good it is beyond words……YAY for me!!!!! I love me and am going to what I want to do. 🙂 Thank you so much Rori for teaching all of these tools you are freeing women each day from the bondage of their emotions…You have no idea the depth of your gift but we all do…thank you.

    I cannot wait to get your input on this post…I am so excited that I literally feel as though I am floating above the clouds…..

    with so much love and thanks and of course a big hug….oh also I didn’t understand about the channeling step. Love, Cassandra



  24.  #24Cassandra on October 31, 2008 at 8:49 am

    Sorry for all of the long posts…I am just so excited and happy. 🙂 love to each one of you….Cassandra



  25.  #25Rori Raye on October 31, 2008 at 1:07 pm

    Cassandra, I’m so thrilled for you. Your singing IS a blessing – to yourself and everyone around you.

    I can feel you getting the hang of this and slowly feeling better so much more of the time. I hear you being less and less afraid.

    What will happen is you’ll experience having more ENERGY – because it won’t be all tied up and stuck in RESISTING your feelings.

    Love, Rori



  26.  #26Cassandra on October 31, 2008 at 1:14 pm

    Hi Rori and thank you so much. I am feeling better and when I get into one of those deep, dark, awful places I try to immediately remember your tools. it is funny now because within these last few days I have gone from having no journals to having 4!!! LOL Oh well…..I want to do whatever I have to do to change ME for ME! 🙂 Thanks for all of your support…..one question though…..what do I do for the channeling and teh action steps that you had mentioned and am I ready to move to that yet or should I hang out in this step for a while using these tools for a little while longer until they are a part of me?

    Thanks Rori….love and hugs…
    Cassandra



  27.  #27Cassandra on November 3, 2008 at 6:49 am

    HI Rori,
    I wanted to ask you what my next step should be…you had mentioned before about Channeling and then some actions steps and I was not sure what the Channeling is. I am VERY excited tomove forward in the process and have been feeling really great all weekend…really trying to stay IN my emotions and not run from them but love each and every one of them and of course myself every moment of every day.

    Not only that but you know how afraid I was of the weekend coming up on Friday but this past weekend was the most wonderful weekend that I have had in a very long time. I ACTUALLY FELT AT PEACE WITH ME!!! 🙂 I was so careful to stay IN my emotions and be aware of what was going on inside me and to my surprise, Charles and I had a wonderful weekend…… together!

    Not only that but on Saturday he noticed that I was quiet and distant (not in a negative way though) and had ALOT on my mind and HE…not me…. but HE initiated a talk! We were sitting in the garage on the couch -taking a break from yard work and had a wonderful talk where HE was the one to tell me with absolutely NO QUESTIONING on my part that we will be ok…that we will make it and that everything will be ok. I told him how scared I have been feeling about having to move from our home and how hurt, angry and betrayed I have felt toward him and how I have felt as though I have not had any security since he told me that we will get married but he does not know when. He actually listened and HE was the one to tell me that we will make it and that we will be ok!! I was stunned and so happy. I used feeling messages all weekend and he was loving, caring, and attentive all weekend to the degree that he had originally had plans to go with his brother to see their cousin on Sunday but those plans fell through and then he was going to go somewhere else with his brother and those plans fell thru but instead of going out by himself – which I completely expected – HE CHOSE to spend the entire day and evening with me! I could not believe it Rori…I was so shocked and so happy about that. HE made the choice to spend all day and night yesterday with me. I could not believe it – I was so happy about that.

    I do have a question though….you had mentioned in an earlier post that as I move forward in the process that he will indeed move closer but that I need to beware of that. Can you clarify that part for me please?

    I am feeling so excited Rori about all that happened this past weekend with Charles but even more so with the fact that even though he was home and we were together …and having a great time….I was still trying to keep my focus on ME, on being a pond, and on letting HIM take care of ME….and I think for the first time in my life…I did that! YAYAY!!! 🙂

    Can’t wait for my next steps Rori…..
    With love and another huge hug….
    Cassandra



  28.  #28Cookie on January 14, 2009 at 7:14 pm

    (Does anybody check this section anymore? Well I will post anyway.)

    So I was triggered at work at least a hundred times today. Any free minute where I wasn’t grading papers, or helping students, or answering questions, or giving advice, i was in my mind being triggered by his inaction. I was so angry i felt it all over my body but mostly in my head, where I hold the bulk of my tension and results in headaches and restlessness. Then my back hurts and my stomach clenches and is aggravated then I release gas (I’m sorry but that’s what happens). I passed alot today, when I’m feeling like this I don’t eat as much or I eat too much so my system is thrown off all around. I keep replaying things that happened in my mind and I just want them to go away and be happy and its makes me angry that things don’t go this way. And the fact that he doesn’t call or reach me continues to trigger me in this way because I feel guilty for not calling him, then I feel afraid that if he does call he will leave a nasty message or say something hurtful to me, and then i will get defensive and loud and aggressive (which mostly happens) or shut down completely. I heard a beautiful new song from Beyonce today and it triggered me to tears but i think they were mixed tears from being hopeful that i can have that love and angry that this man is not showing up right now after all this time of loving him may not be it. I got the headache all over again.



  29.  #29Tina on November 9, 2012 at 11:28 am

    I see a theme where I am not a fast worker. Thinking of working on too many things get me stressed out. Updating resume or cooking feels boring so I procrastinate by browsing through different sites or doing something else.

    The theme is, I am a procrastinator and I am not focused at one t hing. HOwever when I am guided by someone or deadlines are set by someone else, I get done with good quality work and meeting timely deadlines.