From Then To NOW

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When I was younger, I was a singer-songwriter.

I used to sing in coffee houses and at college events all around UCLA, and at “open mic” nights.  After that, I was lucky enough to become a professional and make a living in bands, singing groups and trying to break out on my own – like American Idol singers do before they get to “Idol.”

I’d forgotten all about it.  Until my brother showed up last month with an old, old tape he had of me singing the songs I’d written and accompanying myself on guitar.

I let it sit for a month.  Then, because I have no machine that can play reel-to-reel tapes, I took it to a studio to transfer it to CD, and here I am listening to it now.

I’m sort of lost in the old days, now. I went to the garage, where all my old music from my days as a wanna-be singer and as a church choir conductor is stored in a little suitcase – and I’m now surrounded by songs I handwrote out on special, copyable paper.

I remember now that I’d taught myself how to transpose keys of songs written by others for the “open mic” nites where there was a combo on the stage and no rehearsal.  I remember how I’d taken myself to those restaurants and bars and coffee houses, alone, and gotten up on stage.  I remember getting a “tryout” in the lounge at Sportman’s Lodge nearby in Studio City… Ohhhh…and now it’s rolling….more and more and more memories.

All the songs are about love. Loving some man.  And…losing childhood innocence.  I was all about pain, lonliness and…hope.

I’m feeling like I want to re-learn these songs and re-sing them and re-record them…to re-create. And…perhaps I will.  Or…

Perhaps I’ll write something new.

What about you?

What do you have in the back of your closet that’s either holding you back, or was so great you feel like you could never get that great experience again, or that you’re holding out in front of yourself like a carrot on a stick – to recreate?

All of a sudden I can think of so much in my life to DO OVER.

It’s like a brake on my spirit.  A drag on my engine.  Is going backward so much easier than going forward?  Was it really an easier time?  Were we more brave?

I don’t think so.

Perhaps we live so many different lives.  Perhaps we all have chapters in our lives, chapters that never end, and sort of lead into each other, and make up a grand story altogether – but aren’t meant to go BACK to.

So – I’ll write about memories when I get up off the floor with these…but for now, let’s both do this.

Bring yourself up to NOW. Pull your brain out of the paths of what’s past – from the lovely paths and the quiet paths, and the deserted paths, and the scary paths, and the mean and painful paths.  From all of them.

Look out a window, or step out the front door.

Breathe in the sunshine or the rain, or the mist – the blue or gray sky, the hot or cold air.  Take it in and stomp your foot on the ground. Out loud – Say NOW!!

See if you can come back into your body as it is now. go look at something and touch something that screams NOW to you.

Let me know how this mix of old and new works best for you, as you let old morph INTO new, as you let the early chapters fulfill themselves into the ones you’re living now.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Ann on April 26, 2009 at 6:24 pm

    This is kinda what I’ve been feeling lately. Remembering where I’ve been wondering where I’m going. What will the situation we’re in now bring? What is my passion? So many questions.

  2.  #2Joy on April 26, 2009 at 8:22 pm

    Rori, you have helped me see how I have let the precious Life be deluted with thinking about what a guy did or did not say or do. Being in my Heart and feeling the Joy that is there, no matter what false thinking is covering it up is transforming my Life. One of my favorite quotes if from Rumi. “Keep knocking and the joy inside will eventually open a window and look out to see who’s there.” I can watch the thinking now, and when the old pattern of self-betrayal tries to inject the pain and blame thoughts I feel an alert. Practicing what you have taught, I stop, take a breath and observe all the beauty and Life around me. I can then choose to remember and radiate the Real Life in and through me. I am Joy, I am Beauty, I am Intelligence. Since everything is energy and we are made of that energy, I have to be the nature of that creative energy!! All that negative inner talk is a collective radio station! We can change the channel and it is not as hard as we think. I used to try positive thinking but it didn’t work because I was just covering up the self-defeator. Only when I started to question what is really Real did I start to see the Joy that is always there. Thank you for getting me a the journey of getting out of my head and into the Real presence of being. Now the past is like remembering chapters of a play I was in. Many different parts played with different characters. Now, it is getting interesting! Thank you for being a stimulator for everyone to go deeper to the core and to begin to relax into that Joy, Love and Peace.

  3.  #3Daria on April 27, 2009 at 2:09 am

    I always get caught up in what WAS and wanting it again, feeling like I will never have it again, etc etc… nostalgia feels heartbreaking to me, what am I so afraid of?

    I want to feel free and good.

    I’m back home and talking about my feelings. Things are starting to feel better.

  4.  #4DocK on April 27, 2009 at 6:15 am

    Interesting parallel with my life but with dance.

    I took ballet when I was young. When our financial situation changed, I had to quit and it was one of the biggest heartbreaks of my life – more than what I have ever felt at the loss of a man/relationship.

    I did manage to do some things with dance anyway – guess I’d like to think I had a gift and I did a lot of self-teaching. BUT I have struggled over the years with releasing the feeling of sadness and anger at never having known what could have been. Finally, I looked at all that I DID do with dance and realized that I managed to do more performing and cool stuff (a little name-dropping, I even gave Aretha Franklin dance lessons, danced on a show on TV 5 days a week, competed on Dance Fever) than some people that have trained their whole lives in dance. I feel grateful.

    Yesterday, I took my first ever “official” Lyrical Dance class and I loved it. At a certain point yesterday, I felt my eyes welling up with tears and overcome with just being part of the learning and joy of movement. I felt NOW so deeply inside of myself – forgetting about the past and just what IS of the moment…

    Funny, letting go of men has been the thing I haven’t struggled with as much. I mean, I do the back and forth like anyone, but at a point of it being over and acceptance, kind of weird but I just never really feel anything for them anymore. I don’t have anger I just don’t care where they are or what they are doing and never wonder what might have been. Have always wondered if that made me a cold person but I know that I am warm and loving and probably – just healed through it. Thank goodness.

  5.  #5nir on April 27, 2009 at 7:40 am

    Dance has been a big part of my life too … one that my husband has never wanted to be involved with, and the thought that he didn’t love me or want me enough to dance with me crushed my spirit for so many years. It still hurts even thinking about it right now. I will never be involved with another man who doesn’t like dancing, ever.

    I don’t even know if I can ever be in love with him again as long as he won’t even try to do this one thing that pleases me. It’s total selfishness on his part.

    I think I just have to let go of the pain of this and the hope that he’s going to ever be a man to me, in order for our relationship to get better. It sounds weird but it’s true. I have a lot of bitterness and it just feels NEEDY.

    I just want someone to love me. Is that so much to ask? I can’t even get anyone to go to coffee with me. This whole circular dating thing has been an utter disaster. There is no one in the world who wants me.

  6.  #6DocK on April 27, 2009 at 8:06 am

    Hi nir

    (and I am feeling like a blog hog today…)

    I feel sad reading this because I have felt as you do.

    Sweet Linmayu has said that she sees me as this “guy magnet” and yet, I have experience differently. In fact, reading Daria’s words also triggered remembrance of a different time for me.

    Some years ago – I was SO lonely. I found myself living someplace where the only person I knew to hang around with was a former lover that I worked with and he was falling into some horrible pit of anger and wasn’t very nice to me (that’s putting it mildly, actually).

    Other than spending limited (thank god) time with him, EVERYTHING I did I did alone. EVERYTHING. I mean, I am very good at being with myself but no one wants to be alone all the time. This went on for years and I was even thinking about how I might end my life and researching it. The one thing that saved me was that I had decided I wouldn’t do this while my parents were still living. I guess, thank goodness for their longevity.

    It was a dark, horrible time and I too felt like no one wanted me – not men for lovers or women for friendship. When you’re lonely, people are full of suggestions of what you should do. Believe me – I am outgoing and didn’t sit at home and I have no problem going to a restaurant, beach, theater, etc. and starting conversations with people but somehow never translated into friendships. and guys, though they sometimes “hit on” me it wasn’t in a nice way that I would be interested in – and I just felt icky and unwanted in anything but a superficial way.

    I know some people might scoff at this – although I still did gratitude statements at this time – there was one thing that I decided to include – gratitude for friendship. I don’t know how it came to me but I started actually feeling and remembering that I have always been able to draw friends to me and I started naming every friend I could think of from the time I was a little girl to the present. I realized that no matter what – why we had parted company (moving away, falling out, whatever) I had been able to draw friends to me and I was grateful for the time I had with them. People don’t believe me but in less than 2 weeks I connected with a woman from a gym class that I had been in class with for more than a year and I met other people at a restaurant I went to regularly for a long time and yet had never before met anyone.

    I still cherish my alone time – but I don’t HAVE to be alone and can now include in my gratitude work – new names.

    In terms of dance. I have also been involved with men that aren’t into it. Of course, it is so much better to be with someone that is willing to share that with me – but I also know that there are things some men I’ve loved have enjoyed doing that I can’t even begin to feign interest in. What I did was make sure I danced anyway. I danced at home like a nutcase to music I love. I went to places where dancers frequent, and yes, danced with other men. I took classes with women (and men) that share my passion.

    Also, (and I know Rori is a big fan of pole dancing) not every woman has any interest in this -but I started taking classes in pole dancing. I have met the most amazing sensuous open-minded women and made new friendships. I have also been able to share my love of dance in a passionate way with my lover.

    In my darkest moments I know I never thought I would find myself in this wonderful new place of learning to love myself and honor what I NEED and LOVE to do and to revel in my passionate pursuits.

  7.  #7Tracy on April 27, 2009 at 9:49 am

    What you have said is lovely…i feel inspired by it…thanks for sharing….
    I too have felt alone sometimes…but more in the line that everyone seems to be moving forward while i keep making the same mistakes over and over again….it felt frustrating always trying to make friends and trying to please others or being extra nice so i could gain attention….i now realize that i should focus in making me happy and do things that inspire me to be in a good place…..something as simple as feeling the present moment and relaxing in the nice weather and good company around me can lead me to a good feeling moment…and i feel grateful for having learnt that…i feel grateful for the new experiences i am having and for discovering myself bit by bit….
    This past weekend i spend time with an ex of mine and we ended up being intimate……..i feel embarrassed talking about it because i feel afraid that maybe i should have leaned back and not had sex with him…however….honestly when i look back i didn’t feel like i was leaning forward and i felt more like i was experimenting being in the moment and just enjoying myself….I feel safe when i am with him and this time round i tried to just be in the moment and enjoy myself…
    I am not really sure if i would want to actually go out with him….i feel that he would have to do a lot of stepping up and ready for something serious with me…i feel that now i know what i want in a relationship and i feel that i can differentiate the sexual bit of it and the real relationship bit of it….
    I feel calm and unlike last time,i do not feel the need to run and look for him to validate my feelings or be with me…i am learning to focus on what i have to make me happy….and i also plan to do more on circular dating…i feel that i needed to go through this experience just to learn that from it
    It feel great to let it out….it feels scary though because i feel afraid i might slip back to my old over functioning clinging self…i do feel hopeful that this time i have good practice and my mind is clear…

  8.  #8Tina T on April 27, 2009 at 1:24 pm

    I do my best to look forward and not back. I like who I’ve become and all the good, the bad and the many mistakes have brought me to where I am. I turned down a huge career opportunity that would have put me in a whole different place in life, but that would have prevented me from experiencing many other wonderful things and meeting many of the people that are dearest to me.

  9.  #9Linmayu on April 27, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    Right now, in this moment, I am experimenting with allowing myself to explore what I really WANT in relationship. And WHO I want. I know Rori says we are not to focus on an outcome with a specific man. Nonetheless, I am going to focus on specific outcomes with specific men–in my thoughts only, visualizing said men using the Tools, visualizing them loving me completely until I feel that they do.

    I’ve got nothing to lose by this, and a world of knowledge to gain, regardless of the outcome of my little experiment.

    I’ve been triggered fantastically over the past couple days and right now I’m feeling at least somewhat loved and happy and positive. Oh, never mind. Now I’m feeling very scared and negative, and feeling like what I want can never be, and I’m bad for even WANTING it. Back to the Riffing board…

    I want to feel the truth that love is all there is. I want to feel that in my body. It feels like an expanding, deepening heart, it feels like warmth in my belly, it feels like light in my head. I feel fear in my head, head bowed in anticipation of being slapped. I love those reflexes that keep my head there, that protect me from the harsh cruel world that my traumatized cells think I live in. Cells, wake up and listen; here comes an infusion of love. Up in my head someone wants to cry, someone feels insecure about my new position at work. Wake up, brain cells, we are going to rise to this challenge, whatever it takes. The cells are afraid, saying “respect once lost can never be regained.” They want to protect me from a loss of respect, because they know that a loss of respect is painful and troublesome, and they don’t want me to go through that. Good. We’re on the same page.

    I want to feel respected and confident. I want to know that I do a good job at what I do. That would feel like a straight, relaxed spine. I want to feel the upright energy of respect and the expansive energy of love merge in my body, take over my body, and overflow out from my body into my work. I want to create a fearless relaxation in my spine, a fearless flowing flexibility that can meet any challenge. Oh, that feels good! 😀

  10.  #10Cassandra on April 27, 2009 at 3:12 pm

    I can so relate to all of your posts above…..
    Nir….my heart goes out to you and I feel so sad that you are feeling so lonely. I feel triggered by your lonliness and it makes my heart hurt for you and for me……and I guess for all of us here that have felt what you and I are feeling this very moment. I feel like I want to hug you and somehow make it better.
    Dock…..I too loved what you shared with us. I feel happy that youa rein such a beautiful place and that you are dancing. A beautiful song that is out there – I forget who is the artist – says….’I hope you dance’ and your postmade me think of that song. To all of you here who are so courageous, beautiful…strong and bring such beautiful things to this world……
    I hope you dance.

    I wanted to share with those of you that know the ins and outs of my situation and have so lovingly been there for me that my fiance’ (so to speak) officially broke up with me yesterday. I feel so broken. I feel so unloved. I feel so foolish. I feel so unwanted and undesirable and I feel ‘wrong’ (not really the word I was looking for there but the only one I could think of) in feeling so broken about all of this because as most of you know….he is abusive. he has never physically hurt me however within these last months he has pretty much threatened my life every weekend that he is home….he does this always in a ‘joking’ manner however I don’t find the things that he says funny at all. I feel so humiliated and I feel so angry that he would speak to me the way that he has for several months now. I feel so worthless and broken and completely overwhelmed. The things is is that my HEAD knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is the best thing for ME but my HEART is no where near where my head is at and my heart hurts. I feel rejected and dirty and trashy that a man who has behaved as low as he has for so long does not even want me. I feel that I did something wrong or said something wrong for HIM to not want ME. I feel angry because I was supposed to be the one to move out while he was at work and be the one to leave the relationship. He told me that he has decided that he does not want to get married – not to anyone..ever. Part of me believes that becasue he comes from such a horribly abusive background and he has NO ONE in his life except for MY FAMILY that has ever been in or is in a loving, respectful happy committed marriage where both parties actually WANT to be together. The other part of me says….’yeah…whatever. you know what it means when a man says ‘it’s not you…it’s me’ it means that it really is me and not him. I don’t know what to believe. I feel so decieved and overwhelmed with ‘what do I do now?’. I can still stay here until I can find a job but I know in my head that that is NOT GOOD FOR ME and that the longer I am here the harder it is going to be to leave. I ahve fallen in love with this house….this yard….the birds and bunnies…the neighbors…the neighborhood..this entire area and his family….especially his little niece who also adores me….she is 2. I feel that I am loosing all of these beautiful things and I cannot put words to the hurt and betrayal that I feel.

    I feel terrified to go back to where I moved here from although all of my closest friends are there it is VERY fast and becasue there are so many people in such a small area they are very aggresive. I don’t feel comfortable with that. As a matter of fact – each time that i have gone back to visit I can feel my body tensing up as I get closer and closer even though I knew I was coming back home….it almost felt traumatizing in a way. I thought that I may have had an option in Atlanta but then I just found out that that is even worse and quite similar to New York. I love to visit NY but could never live there. I would feel so anxiety ridden to live there. I know that I need peace and I need quiet and I need to hear the birds and see the stars at night. I don’t want to be back in a cold lonley apartment again by myself and working in a job that I hate and that is just as abusive as Charles has been to me at times. I feel so angry right now. I feel so hurt by his words. This all started when he got mad that I accidentally woke him up becuase I was coughing – I have been sick lately. Part of me feels so hurt by that and part of me is like…..’what the ^#*%^*&^??!’! I feel tired of being threatened and though he has never followed thru – he says that he is joking…his threats have consistently gotten much more frequent and much more violent but I repeat here that he has never physically hurt me – I don’t want anyone to misunderstand that – I am tired of having a quiet peaceful night and snuggling on the spare room bed watching TV and I get up to get us a treat and then he puts his hands around my neck – NOT tightly – and laughs and says that he is going to break it – and then the peacefulness of just ‘being’ and enjoying the evening is not just gone it is shattered and only fear and hurt remain. I feel humiliated that I have not been able to move before this. I feel humiliated that I ever let him speak to me that way. I feel angry that I still have feelings for someone like that. I feel humiliated by the fact that I still care for him and wish that things could be right. I feel that I did something wrong and I don’t know what. I feel so afraid now because though I can stay here until I DO find a job – I know that I cannot do that for the very sake of my own safety let alone sanity. I feel afriad that I will never recover emotionally from this and I feel so confused as to how all of this happened. When we got together – he NEVER displayed signs of this kind of crap. I feel angry at myself for being so stupid to still be here. I feel stuck and I feel angry that I am stuck or at least I FEEL stuck. I feel like everyone here is going to judge me for the fact that this has all happened and I am still here – I know that I am judging myself here though and yes…you may think those things. I feel shame and I feel embarassed. This isn’t supposed to happen. it wasn’t supposed to be this way. we were supposed to get married…be good to one another….take care of one another and live happily ever after. I feel angry that I am 40 years old and want a child so much and this was supposed to be it. I feel angry that I will now never have the child that I have so desperately wanted since I was a little girl. All I ever wanted was to be happily married and have a family of my own and sing. i feel as though Ia m sking for the moon but I feel angry that so many other people can have that but why can’t I??? What is so wrong with me that I Can’t have that? I cannot put into words the depth of my fear, anger, hurt, brokeness.

    I know that my head knows that this is good for me but damn if my heart doesn’t know that and still wants that man to love me and want me. What in the world do I do now? I am in HIS house….no job….nowhere to go. What do I do now? He has said that I can stay here as long as I need to and that we will still do stuff together and that he will always be a part of my life and if he ever does decide once I am gone that he reallydoes want to be married that it would be ME that he would want to marry. How sweet of him! I feel like my heart is broken into millions of tiny pieces and I can’t breathe. (sorry …did not mean to hijack this post.)

  11.  #11Cassandra on April 27, 2009 at 3:15 pm

    Linmayu…..your riff made me cry. I feel love for you and I feel that I want you to have every single one of those beautiful things that you riffed about and I am believing that they are indeed yours…..they are on their way to you.

    with so much love….

  12.  #12Linmayu on April 27, 2009 at 10:00 pm

    Cassandra, *HUGS!* Your post took me back to several months ago when the same thing happened to me. I remember, I was so scared–scared to leave, but even MORE scared to stay. I didn’t want to see his behavior turn any worse than it already had. I spent my days looking for apartments and not finding anything I could afford with what I was making at my job, and then I was saved by my dad calling and offering to let me move back home. Take one step–any step–in the direction of independence, and you never know what the universe will do, who the universe will send, to assist you. I don’t want to meddle, but know that others have been where you are now, you are not alone.

  13.  #13Tracy on April 28, 2009 at 12:55 am

    I feel so sad about what you’ve just posted…be strong and always remember never to beat yourself about anything…you are beautiful and a goddess diva who had brought so much love and compassion especially to this blog…..Hugs!
    I really feel that things will get better and you are moving to a better place….i feel that what is important is for you to focus on making you happy,living and enjoying the daily moments and feeling thought the days no matter how hard it is….I feel that things will get better soon….just hang in there and be good to you….thats i feel is what matters most….

  14.  #14Mercedes on April 28, 2009 at 6:38 am

    Cassandra: You have my thoughts and prayers right now. I’ve done a lot of counseling with abuse victims (and yes, that’s what you are right now, not physical but certainly an emotional and verbal abuse victim) and I really believe that the word “victim” will soon change to the word “survivor” for you. It did for me and it has for a lot of women I’ve met over the years. You have a long road ahead and it all begins with your self esteem. You have to know that you DO deserve all that you want and you have to know that, not only could this man not give it to you but that he doesn’t even deserve the chance anymore.

    What you said about knowing this in your head but your heart not being where your head is…that is SO normal. That’s a reaction I’ve heard time and time again and it’s real and it’s a part of the process. When your heart does catch up, you will be grateful for him leaving. Until then…as I said…you have a long road.

    Please…focus on yourself. Find someone to talk to (a professional). You never know where counseling will lead. At the very least, it will give you an avenue to let out all of your feelings and it will get you professional advice on the steps to take to move forward. Chances are good, it will also connect you with the right people who can help you move forward with a job and a place of your own. Your self esteem and your independence are very important right now…please work hard on those and things will come together. I promise.

    One more little bit of advice from me (and I know we’re not supposed to give advice here – we’re just supposed to tell what we would do if we were you – but I can’t help it…my experience won’t allow me to be quiet). When he says if he ever wants to get married it will be with you and when he says you’ll still do things together…he’s stringing you along. He’s keeping you on the line so he has a backup plan. Don’t be his backup plan…deal with him when it comes to the house for as long as you need to but other than that…cut the ties. You don’t want to spend years waiting for him to decide he’s ready. You want to be strong, independent, sexy and beautiful and you want a man who can see that and want it all for himself.

    Take care of yourself.

    Much Love,

  15.  #15Flipper on April 28, 2009 at 7:27 am

    Cassandra, my heart goes out to you. All the horrible stuff you’re saying about yourself is so much what I’m still really telling myself somewhere underneath the truer, feel-good stuff I’ve learned with Rori and the others. And when I see it written by you, of course it’s “wrongheadedness” for all to see and feel just jumps off the page! What we love in ‘that man’ has Nothing to do with HIM! What we love is our own kind, unshakable, forgiving, encompassing love that We Feel for him, that we invested in him and can’t help but see shining back at us no matter how unworthy of it he shows himself to be.

    Listen to Linmayu – Any Step in Any Direction will honor Your Love, and help you towards the rest of your life. Even if it winds up appearing to go nowhere or, horror!, take us 2 steps back, it will in fact start a process, juggle things even if ever so slightly. My own baby-steps have been microscopic, seemingly dead in the water, but even so I’m starting to feel them, a tiny critical mass, and though my NV’s want to poohpooh anything I do, I’m learning to direct their energy to help me clear the path. So though it’s small and fragile, I dedicate my progress to you – I feel if we mingle our energies it will be easier to sense the movement. I can feel your movement anyway, just because you’ve written here. Love + Daria’s flower hug.

  16.  #16nir on April 28, 2009 at 9:16 am

    Thank you for your kind words I feel grateful for them.

  17.  #17Cassandra on April 28, 2009 at 9:17 am

    Thank you all for all of your lovely, encouraging posts. I feel love coming from each one of them and I feel so grateful for that and for each of you.

    Linmayu – I have always felt so touched by your courage and strength. I have watched you go thru what you went thru with your xhusband…..leave that situation….and bloom. I have often felt so happy and excited about where you are at in your life right now and have sort of been personally cheering you on. Thank you for your encouragement and love. I have actually seen people come into my life jsut for the very reason that you mentioned. Yesterday I went to the Dr as I ahve not been feeling well and was REALLy having trouble breathing. When I went into the back room the nurse that was there asked me some questions and I felt so embarrassed because I began to cry. She asked me what was going on so I told her. She then shared her story with me about how she went to nursing school at the age of 40 having no college experience whatsoever and is now 58. She told me that my life is just beginning and she told me that GOD will never abandon me as a matter of fact HE knew that this was all going to happen and that 40 is when the great part of life really begins becuase you now have the wisdom to learn from mistakes, not repeat them and enjoy the journey. Of course I was crying the whole time but I know that that was so NOT a coincidence. I also have a new girlfriend here that happens to be a life coach and is pretty much guiding me thru this as her friend and not a client. She is also no coincidence. I do see these things and am so thankful for them but I do still hurt. You are such an inspiration and also not a coincidence! xoxoxo to you!

    Tracy – I also felt touched by your words and it made me feel so good to know that I have indeed brought love and compasssion to this blog. I am definitely trying to do exactly what you said… good to me and take care of me and my heart. Yesterday was most definitely a ‘haggen dazs in your jammies’ day……today feels better. I know that I have to take it minute by minute right now and there is so much going on that my head is spinning but I am trying to focus on me and what feels good to me. sending you hugs and lots of love!

    Mercedes…thank you too for your guidance. I think that with your background and experience working with abuse that Rori would have no problem with you giving advice or guidance. It is so greatly appreciated. I do know that I deserve better but I have felt trapped and not able to do much about it not to mention that my heart still cares for the man that cares nothing about me. He says that he does but like Oprah says….love is NOT supposed to hurt. His actions have shown me that I do not matter to him nor have I ever. Luckily he is gone now at least until Friday night maybe Saturday so I have a little break so that I can focus on me. I dohope that my heart catches up with my head…..oh…. do I hope that it will. It hurts so bady to know that he does not even care and that even someone like him does not want me. I am very aware that him saying that should he decide that he does want to marry one day that it would be ME that he would want to marry and that he will still be in my life and we will still do stuff together etc…..I know that none of that is true. Why in the hell should I believe a thing that he says other than that he does not want me. As I mentioned above – I have a new girlfriend who is a life coach and she is guiding me thru this step by step. I am so overwhelmed right now that I can’t move and I don’t know what to do first so she had me make a list of the things that I DO KNOW. That list is getting longer and longer and I may even post it here (Rori – is that ok??) to work thru it and perhaps it may even help another siren in her journey. No…I am definitely going to post it here. If it could help someone else I don’t think that Rori would mind. My friend is SO NOT a coincidence and has already helped me so much as you all and Rori’s tools. I also have a counseling appointment at a place that also has a domestic abuse shelter – that is on Thursday. I feel ashamed to be going there – as though this should not be happeneing to me (or anyone else). I feel so much shame it is overwhelming. How do you get thru that? You are such an inspiration as well and are in such a beautiful happy place yet you went thru abuse as well….how did you get there Mercedes? How? How did you ever get thru this? I don’t think that Charles is stringing me along though – I don’t think that I am a backup plan at all I think that he is telling me those things so that I stop crying and quit ‘bothering’ him – he is teeling methose things to make me feel at least a little bit better – to perhaps take the sting away thinking that he will still be in my life but he does not want me and I know that. That hurts more than words can express. I feel so ashamed that at 40 years old I have given this man nearly 2 years of my life and my time and my love thereby making it virtually inmpossible for me to have a child of my own. I feel so angry about that and so so shame filled. Why could I not stay true to me and tell him to go to hell? Why did I not take care of the little girl in me and protect her and allow him to hurt her like this? I don’t know how this even happened. In the beginning he was wonderful and made sure to look at his actions not just his words. I really don’t know what to do next so I work on my list which I will post later today. It really is similar to the very first list that Rori had us all to do in the very beginning – you know the list of problems and then the lsit of what you want. it is very similar and I am actually pulling from that too. That feels good and any tiny good feeling no matter how tiny it may be – I will take it. Thank you Mercedes and I would love any more insight that you have – it is always appreciated and I have already learned a great deal from you. Thank you for being the wonderful YOU that you are. I send you so much love and gratitude. xoxoxox

    Flipper…..please please do not beat yourself up. I did not mean any of the things that I said yesterday to come across as beating myself up but instead I think that I tried to use feelings statements. I am sure that there is a ‘punch or 2’ in there but I really did try to keep to feeling statements as that really is how I feel. I do feel broken and I do feel humilated and undesirable and unwanted and unloved and shameful that I am stil here and wanting him to love me. I feel thankful that he is gone for the week – working. I so loved what you said about the part that we DO love and that it really is not even about him but about the love that WE show to these awful,horrible, undeserving excuses for men – now I am NOT talking about ALL men – just those that abuse women – please everyone be clear on that. What you said…..
    What we love is our own kind, unshakable, forgiving, encompassing love that We Feel for him, that we invested in him and can’t help but see shining back at us no matter how unworthy of it he shows himself to be. hit me like a ton of bricks and I feel good about the fact that I do love that way…totally and completely and yes…..he is the unworthy one. Thank you for that – it is true. I so desperately want to honor the love that I have shown him….it has been endlessly forgiving and unconditional and I so want to honor that. I felt so deeply touched that you dedicated your progress to me Flipper. Wow. That felt beautiful and I feel honored – as though I have been given a very precious precious gift that I would set aside and care for it and just admire its beauty. I feel honored that we are in this together and I feel so much love coming from your words. I feel grateful and I feel happy that you are making steps forward although I feel that they are alot bigger than you think that they are and I feel like celebrating that with you. I feel your movement even though I don’t feel my own and it feels wonderful to see you moving forward and loving YOU. You are also a tremndous inspiration and I feel deeply honored to be on this journey with you. You are amazing and I celebrate that. I send you so much love and also another one of Daria’s beautiful flower hugs – this one has beautiful bright pink, aqua and yellow ribbons hanging from the hug showing beauty, brightness and light.

    I love you all and feel such gratitude for each of you and for being a part of this blog and of course for Rori. I will get thru this and I will find happiness. Love to all. xoxoxoxox

  18.  #18Mercedes on April 28, 2009 at 10:03 am

    Oh Cassandra…how did I do it? Well…with a lot of mistakes and practice and patience with myself, but for the most part, one day I woke up and decided enough was enough. I had been abused and mistreated all of my life and then…I used those experiences to make excuses for myself and I became very free with my body when it came to men. After all, it isn’t rape when I’m willing to sleep with anyone who asks right? I had no shame and no self esteem. I didn’t care. If a man was willing to hold me, I was willing to let him and I almost always had enough feelings for him that I thought I was in love and I let my heart get broken time and time again.

    Then…enough was enough! I took time off for me. No men. I wasn’t circular dating…I wasn’t dating at all. I worked out until I was proud of my body. I took care of myself until I felt pretty (makeup and nice clothes – no more sweat pants and tennis shoes – every day). I studied my butt off in college until I felt smart. Every single day, I told myself how smart and pretty and worthy I am. And when my nasty voice would show up and try to hurt me and tell me I’m not good enough. I started laughing at it. I gave it a face and a personality(and it wasn’t pretty or smart or even anyone I would consider hanging out with on a Friday night). I talked back to it. I was determined not to give it too much thought…and now…that nasty voice hardly ever comes back to me. Because I’ve convinced myself that I am beautiful and smart and wonderful. Even my bf knows I feel that way about myself. He knows I’m very confident that if he wasn’t in my life, I would find some very lucky man to share myself with and my bf would be the one with regrets…not me.

    And soon…I started setting boundaries. I wrote them down. I read them everyday. My boyfriend knows what each and every one of them are and he knows without a doubt that if he crosses a line with regard to those boundaries…I’m out. I will miss him and I will hurt and I will shed my share of tears and quite frankly, I will be miserable (and probably asking everyone here to help me through it) but then…after I’ve felt those feelings and embraced them…I’ll move on. I’ll pick myself up as I’ve ALWAYS done and I’ll move on and up. I’ve made it through so much crap…I’m not about to give up now. I know what I want and I know I won’t settle for less. You’ve been in a place where you have settled for less and now…you have a clean slate. You can pick yourself up and move on and move up and not have regrets…but you must work on your self esteem, your independence, your confidence and your boundaries. You need to know all that stuff about yourself before you can expect a man to know.

    Also, I’ve read a lot of wonderful posts of yours on this very blog. If you think about many of the things you’ve talked to others about and if you apply those things to your own life, you will be well on your way…your thoughts on life and experience and how to pick yourself up and feel good about yourself are WONDERFUL…and you share them all the time on this blog…so….share them with yourself…

    Much Love,

  19.  #19Daria on April 28, 2009 at 10:36 am

    Wow Flipper –

    Thank you.

    This really clarified something important for me:

    “What we love in ‘that man’ has Nothing to do with HIM! What we love is our own kind, unshakable, forgiving, encompassing love that We Feel for him, that we invested in him and can’t help but see shining back at us no matter how unworthy of it he shows himself to be.”

    I just didn’t quite “get” why I still had feelings for some men that weren’t showing up for me. I didn’t get that I was loving my own love. I love my loyalty, and my unconditional love. I love my forgiveness.

    Wow. This is a big deal. A big deal. No wonder I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want to let go loving my own love. This feels a little shocking.

    thank you.

  20.  #20Cassandra on April 28, 2009 at 12:22 pm

    Daria…I can totally relate to that too. I never even thought of it that way and I know that that very thing is what is making it so hard for me to let go of a man who calls me stupid, who repeatedly belittles me, tears me down, puts obstacles in my way when I am trying to do something to better ME or make me happy, who threatens my life in a ‘joking’ manner and tons of other abhorrent stuff. It is not HIM that I can’t let go of….it is MY LOVE that I have been in love with all along. This is huge to finally get it. I feel so happy that the light switch went on for you too! YAY! 🙂

    Mercedes….thank you so much for sharing more of your experience and how you got thru things. oh and thanks for the compliments about what I write/ share here as well..that made me feel good. I appreciated your insight so thank you for that. I find it so easy to be encouraging to others but so hard to do for myself. I am not sure why. I know for sure that boundaries are a HUGE issue for me and I know partly why. I grew up in a household where my sister and I were taught to set boundaries but then it was fine for my mother – because of her depression issues and moodiness and no one wanted to rock the boat – it was fine for HER to cross them or even act as if they did not even exist. I never learned how to ‘enforce’ them for lack of a better term. How do you enforce them when Charles would TELL ME….never ask me or discuss things with me…..he would TELL ME…this is the way that it is going to be and if you don’t like it well I am sorry about that….I don’t know what to tell you. That is exactly what he did with the whole having children thing….he told me one day that ….’we are not having any children, I decided that we won’t be having any at all… asking me how I felt about that… discussion..nothing. This is the way that it is and if you don’t like it…to hell with you…basically. Everything in this relationship has been about what HE wants, how HE wants things, when HE wants things and that’s final. I feel as though I don’t even exist anymore. I feel invisible.

    I know what it feels like to be with a man because he shows you attention or will hold you. Pretty much every man that has shown me any kind of attention I have ended up in a relationship with and none of them have been good…not one. The thing that is so hard to understand how all of this happened with Charles is that I had done major work on myself and been through counseling and really tried so hard to work on me so that I would never be in another bad relationship- although this is the first officially ‘abusive’ relationship that I have been in. I don’t get it. I tried so hard to look at the actions not just the words and for a time his actions absolutely did line up with his words and I even really thought that I had ‘spiritual confirmation’ that ‘this was it’. That this relationship was ‘the one’ and look where I am now. I don’t know how this happened and I feel so angry about it. He did not show any signs of any of this before I came here…never. Once I got here….all hell broke loose.

    I find it so interesting that before he left for work yesterday even as broken as I feel I still so desperately wanted him to call and check on me. I so wanted to hear from him and it was almost as if he could not leave the house. First he ran errands – I was all this time thinkiing he had left to go back out on the road – and picked up the computer from the shop because I needed it, then after dropping that off here he left again and then he ran back home to give me his home depot card so that I could buy moving boxes if I wanted to (how is that for a hint??), then he called to see if I had eaten and wanted him to bring me lunch and then when he finally did actually leave for work for real he did call to check on me and even today HE has been the one calling ME?! I don’t get it! WTF?!! Is this some sort of game? He says that he does not want to be married and does not want to string me along and that we are no longer a couple because he knows that i want to get married and have a family but then HE is the one calling ME already today 4 times. Am I missing something?? I don’t get it. I am trying so hard to do things that make me feel good. I just got back from the gym and I am glad that I went but I had to stop early because I can’t breathe. I have not yet been able to bring myself to pack one single box yet – of course I don’t have a job so where exactly am I going right away??? Well I guess I take that back – a few months ago he hurt me so badly I did actually pack up a few boxes and put them in the spare room closet where they are out of sight and he never goes in there….ever. So at least those pare packed but I meant to say that I have yet to pack one single box today or yesterday. Everything that is already packed it stuff that would not be noticed if packed up. I can’t bring myself to even go to Home Depot to get those boxes and tape. I just can’t right now. I do admit though that I had an interesting thought on the way home from the gym….I realized that now I don’t have to worry if he is at some nude resort in Tampa that he gets the newsletter for or is always on their website or if he is at some swingers event at the swingers place that is not too far away…I don’t have to worry anymore what website he is on or what he is is emailing to some other woman. Though he has not been on any of those dating sites since the last time he hurt me so badly by doing that months ago. He even told me that he is not going to go there anymore even though we are not together – he said that if he wants someone in his life that it would be me. Ok and I should believe that why?

    Sorry ..back to boundaries….I have had boundaries set up but he crosses them regularly and I know that the frist time that I caught him on a dating site right after he moved me here I should have left his sorry ass! But…..again…I loved loving him so I stayed and gave him another chance and here I am now. Every man that I have been in a relationship with has said to me that they regret letting me go and I am sure that charles will be one of them too but I am so sick of hearing all of those good things that they all say about me even to this day. I don’t want to hear it. I want the life that Charles and I were supposed to have together….loving one another…respecting one another and taking care of each other and enjoying our lives together. He also told me BTW that I deserve better and I responded…’yes I do…..yes I certainly do’. He still calls me all of the special loving names that he has for me and each time it hurts so bad because I want things to be right. I do not want to leave this house that I love or the yard or any of it. I want to stay here and have HIM leave. I am the one that gave up everything to come here to marry him. I know I have to move but it adds to the pain of everything that I have to ‘get out’. Basically now..i have no home and belong nowhere! That hurts so badly. not only that but after all that he has done he still asks me to take care of faxes that come in for different loads/freight that he is carrying and get him the directions to where he has to go or a pick up number/ drop off number, etc. I am still in HIS house so I feel that I do have to do these things for him. I feel afraid of him kicking me out and then what do I do? I feel afraid to rock the boat or say anything becuase I am still in HIS house. I am meeting with my friend who is a life coach on Thursday for lunch and I can’t wait. I don’t even know what my next step should be with no job and I still feel so broken and numb. Sometimes I feel like a zombie feeling nothing at all and at times feel like I just don’t even care anymore but I don’t feel like that every moment.

    Mercedes, I am so glad that you are where you are in your life. Big kudos for that part of your journey. I know it was hard but so worth it. xoxoxox

  21.  #21Cassandra on April 28, 2009 at 12:56 pm

    here is the list that I made for my friend who is the life coach to look at. I am not sure where she is going with this but I feel excited to find out.
    What I DO know……
    I don’t want to be alone.
    I am afraid to be back in a lonely apartment by myself handling all of life by myself – alone.
    I want to be married to the right man who will treat me like my Dad treats my Mom.
    I want to have at least one child of my own.
    I may want to adopt 1 child after having 1 of my own.
    I want to have peace.
    I want to have love and joy and emotional security in my life – consistently without fear.
    I know that Charles does NOT treat me right MOST of the time.
    I know that this is definitely an abusive relationship.
    I know that I don’t deserve this kind of treatment.
    I don’t want to go back to corporate America.
    I don’t want to work for someone else.
    I want to be self employed.
    I want to do something that makes me happy as a career.
    I want to use my creative abilities each day.
    I know that I really really enjoyed remodeling the bathroom.
    I know that I had an extremely deep sense of accomplishment when it was finally finished.
    I know that I love to learn.
    I want to be a blessing to other people.
    I know that I am called to lead praise and worship.
    I know that i am supposed to be singing.
    I know that my voice is hoarse and I can’t sing right now because I am with Charles – living in his house.
    I know that I am having health issues because of the stress in my life – Charles/ abuse.
    I know that want to have a home with a very large yard/ land.
    I do NOT want to go back to where I moved here from- it is too aggressive and fast for me.
    I know that I love this area in general.
    I know that I really love this area of the country and state.
    I like being further out from the city but close enough to go into the city to do things that I enjoy.
    I want to work from home.
    I know that some amazing people are coming into my life for a reason – here.
    I feel anxious and tense each time I think of going back to where I came from.
    I feel afraid to go to yet another city where I know no one and have no ties there.
    I feel afraid to move in any direction -forward, backward, up down..whatever.
    I know that I have a very specific calling on my life.
    I know that I am not even close to fulfilling that calling right now – where I am – meaning here with Charles.
    I know that Charles took me further from that calling.
    I know that Charles moved me further away from the Lord.
    I know that I love to sing and write the songs that I am given.
    I know that I love to be in the presence of the Lord.
    I know that I am annointed. (or at least I was)
    I know that I struggle with boundaries and have allowed myself to be in situations that were not only not good for me but not ok with me.
    I know that I need to learn to tell a man what is a deal breaker for me and love myself enough to stick by those things that I know are important to or for me.
    I know that I need help with this abuse situation.
    I know that I am NOT good at receiving help from anyone.
    I know that I want flexibility in my work schedule.
    I know that I do not do well being told when I can take a vacation or go to lunch or to the Dr.
    I do NOT want to have my job threatened whenever I have to go to the Dr.
    I want to call the shots for myself with regard to work.
    I want to be supported in what I am trying to do for ME – careerwise.
    I would not mind going back to school to get a design certificate.
    I know that I do NOT want to be in school for very long.
    I know that I would enjoy and be very good at what my friend does as a life coach – once I get my own stuff in order.
    I know I would enjoy design.
    I know that I am good at bookkeeping.
    I know that I have given all that I am to this relationship and have gotten nothing in return.
    I know that i have done this before.
    I am afraid that I will do it again.
    I am afraid that I will never be able to trust another man or allow anyone else into my life again.
    I still want Charles to love me.
    I want to get back to doing the things that make me happy – ie; dancing salsa/ singing
    I know that I would love to stay in this area.
    I feel afraid that I may be staying here – ion this city for the wrong reasons.
    I know that even though I can’t FEEL it I am moving forward to where I am supposed to be in my life.
    I know that ‘my sister’ and her husband are trying to get me a job where he works in the DC area and I feel so grateful for that but scared at the same time.
    I know that I don’t want to go back there even though they are there.
    I know that they love me and are trying to help.
    **I think that I know I am not supposed to be there – how do I know if I am right?
    I know that right now is a defining moment in my life and it will shape the rest of my life.
    I know that is ALOT of pressure.
    I know that I desperately want to be happy.
    I know that things that are happening are NOT coincidences but part of a divine plan.
    I know that I need to learn how to have boundaries and stick to them.
    I know that I need to learn to take care of me first so that I can be of value to those that I love.
    I know that I have tolerated treatment that is nothing less than abhorrent.
    I know that I am afraid to be alone and don’t like to be alone.
    I know that I can survive alone as I have done it before.
    I know that that does not make me happy.
    I know that I feel good when I am needed.
    I know that I am moving forward no matter how small each step may be – I am still moving forward.
    I know that I do NOT want to move but I have to move.
    I know that I feel pressure to do certain things or go certain places by those that I love even though I know they are trying to help.
    I know that I DESPERATELY do NOT want to be back into corporate America.
    I know that corporate america is NOT where I belong.
    I know that I need love and to be treated with respect and care.
    I know that I still want Charles to want and love me and treat me well and for things to be ok with us.
    I know that there is something wrong with the fact that I still want that.

    Well this is the list that I am forwarding to her and I will see where it takes me.

  22.  #22Linmayu on April 28, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    Oh wow Flipper and Daria. That clarifies a lot. This must be why I still feel love for my ex. And the words are exactly right.

    What I feel is a kind, unshakable, forgiving, encompassing love for a man who existed 8 years ago and still lives on as a thought form within me. Separating that thought form from the man who now exists, having diverged greatly from what he was, is what’s necessary. I cannot look to my ex as if he were that thought form; he isn’t. But it’s hard to “get” that.

    You’re right, this is a big deal. This is who I carry on the back of my horse. Today I put up some old pictures of us when we were happy and in love, as a way of honoring that thought form, that man who once made me the happiest woman on earth. A way of honoring love itself. It felt good, and not like being hung up on someone–because no matter what my ex chooses to do, I will never lose the love I have for who he was. And I remain free to love others who show up–or him if he shows up!

    I’ve found myself really wanting to be over and done with him, but that was a defense and a reaction, and not my authentic self. My authentic self wants to hold on to the old thought form, nurture it and give it life, until it births itself into a man in the physical world to be with me. To know beyond knowing that this man, the real man, once loved me, truly loved me, and that the love never dies, even if its source has to change.

    Hard stuff to admit to. But I don’t shy away from the hard stuff these days. I visited a new church on Sunday and what was said at the service shocked me to my very core. The old me would have suffered in silence and then run away, never to return, but instead I spoke my sorrow and disappointment at my experience. What happened after that was amazing as I was accosted by about half the congregation telling me that I was brave to say something and that there was a lot more to the church than what I’d seen that day. I felt welcomed and accepted by some of the very people who had triggered me so hard. It was quite the amazing experience, and one I wouldn’t have had without Rori and you all. I feel thankful, even though I don’t yet have the relationship I want. It’s out there in the ether and I know it’s there.

  23.  #23Daria on April 28, 2009 at 1:27 pm

    I am feeling similar in certain ways:

    I do Not want to work in corporate America.

    I feel like I am being pressured enormously to do so.

    I feel like I am disappointing those I love.

    I feel like the life I want is considered dishonorable (life of indolence and feeling good) and character corrupting.

    I feel like I want to be in harmony.

    I feel like I’m being pressured to ignore what I want and do what I have to.

    I feel like having what I want as far as life is BULLSHIT.

    I feel angry.

    I feel like the people I love are suffering because of my stuborness in being myself instead of conforming to what they want for me.

    I feel confused.

    I don’t know what I want anymore careerwise.

    I feel disappointed I didn’t get this job.

    I feel like perhaps I’m not good at doing what I do.

    I feel like I will always struggle with money.

    I feel ridiculous.

    I feel self indulgent and unworthy.

    I feel like a sucky adult.

    I feel like a non-adult.

    I feel irresponsible.

    I feel like sitting and waiting for inspiration is causing me family problems.

    I feel upset at the family problems.

    I feel furious.

    I feel mad at the world for putting me in this position.

    I feel mad at myself for not being resourceful and naturally productive.

    I feel angry.

    I feel very angry.

    I feel like I must DO DO DO and I don’t want to DO DO DO and even if I did there’s nothing for me to DO DO DO.

    I feel like l’m being asked to crawl over a vertical wall using my bare hands and body and that it is critical I climb it.

    I feel annoyed at not having climbed it already.

    I feel like “giving up” and doing the corporate job even though I know its not what I want.

    I feel like adults dont get what they want.

    I feel like being an adult means suffering and struggle.

    I feel like I don’t have an opportunity to do a corporate job even if I did give up and decide to do it.

    I feel like working a regular 9-5 schedule will make me sick.

    I feel like my health will suffer.

    I feel like I will feel drained, trapped, colorless, depressed.

    I feel like I’m throwing a baby tantrum of I don’t want to.

    I feel frustrated.



    I Feel like its a lose this way or lose that way.



    I feel like theres no way I’m realy going to have what I want because sometimes I want things that seem conflicting.

    I feel frustrated and tired of it.




    I feel like I am judging myself and telling myself to shutup and just do this alrea]dy

    I feel like punishing myself

    I feel like I’m a rebellious person that must be put in check and the rebellion crushed out of me and that I must be broken

    I feel weird.


  24.  #24Mercedes on April 28, 2009 at 1:41 pm

    Cassandra: Boundaries are not boundaries if you don’t stick to them. They’re more like guidelines that way…and guidelines are only respected by good people. Boundaries only count if you are willing to walk away…no matter how scary that might seem. Mine are strong and I WILL walk away if that’s what I need to do. But again…mine are also communicated well (after being on again off again more than once with my bf – Oh so many mistakes and so much practice before I really had this down.) so there are no surprises to him if I choose to walk. He can’t ever tell me he didn’t know. He knows where I stand on everything and he knows what he needs to do to keep me and he knows what he can do to lose me. It’s up to him how he chooses to treat me and it’s up to me to walk away if he chooses poorly. As you have displayed with your list, you already know a LOT…now…it’s time to put what you know into action.

    Daria: I hate to see you struggle. Career choices and living up to others’ expectations is a very difficult journey. One of my favorite quotes (and I don’t remember who said it or I would give credit here) is:

    “Be who you always knew you were…not who they said you had to be.”

    I love that. I still struggle with living up to the expectations of others and there are a lot of people in my life who think I’ve made poor decisions (my divorce for example) but…even though I struggle…I believe that in this life – MY LIFE – I need to do what is right for me. I’m not worried about what people will think of me when I die…they’ll lose interest and move on to another subject…so…I choose not to worry too much about what they think of me alive. If I don’t give them a big enough reaction, they’ll move on to someone else…

    That’s my hope anyway…

    Much Love,

  25.  #25Daria on April 28, 2009 at 2:36 pm

    I feel so frustrated.

    My mom cleans and cleans and cleans the house. ALL DAY. I try to tell her don’t do it if she doesn’t like it. The way Rori says about overfunctioning. I feel so angry.

    I feel so sad seeing her do this. She says well who is gonna do it then. It has to be done. We can’t live in a messy house. I try to say Don’t worry about it. She says that’s absurd.

    I feel so frustrated and sad. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHT I Feeerl so ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  26.  #26Daria on April 28, 2009 at 2:36 pm


  27.  #27Daria on April 28, 2009 at 2:37 pm


  28.  #28Daria on April 28, 2009 at 2:43 pm




    That would get me the attention I want I guess.

    I guess I Want attention or something. CUz what I thirnk about would happen after punching the computer is my mom coming upstairs and saying oh on and giving me a hug. And I would feel more understood, or more cared for, more ok to be myself because I’m obviously disturbed for punching the computer and should be treated nicely and with kindness and need healing.


    Except what will happen is probably I will start being pressured to go to a therapist (not of my choosing of course).






  29.  #29Mercedes on April 28, 2009 at 3:04 pm

    Daria: I assume the:



    was directed at me since I’m the one who said I don’t care what people think of me anymore and I said it in a comment to you. I didn’t mean to upset you but I also don’t know how to answer your question. I know how hard it is to struggle…I know how hard it is to feel stuck…I can feel your frustration and pain…but I don’t know how to help you feel better. Every situation I’ve been in is a lesson and a challenge…sometimes I’m able to step up and make myself proud…sometimes I’m not.

    Wish I could help…

    Much Love,

  30.  #30Cassandra on April 28, 2009 at 3:07 pm

    Daria – I could SOOOOOOOO relate to your post. I feel so many of those very same things and yet I feel good that for the first time in my life I am ‘getting’ that I not only want to do what makes me happy….it really is a matter of life and death. I finally get that if I do what say….my parents want me to do….go back to where I mived here from and go back into a corporate job that I hate but makes a good living even by bigger city standards….I will be so unhappy and stressed out that yes….I will get sick. I am fir the first time in my life trying to get to the point where I do what it is that makes ME ME ME happy. That felt good to say that. I feel so excited to find out what my friend is going to have me do with my list of what I do knows. I am feeling a pull to stay here in this area that is SO MUCH bigger than Charles and that feels good. It feels good to know or at least feel at this moment that it is not about him. My new girlfriend said that she really does believe that I was brought here via Charles for so much more than just him and that made me feel good because I do so love it here. I don’t want to stay for the WRONG reasons though and there are no jobs here BUT if that is truly the case then a way to make a living will come so that I can move out and restart my life with out him. I felt a glimmer of hope when she said that and I would like to hope that it is true. I get tense all over my body when I think of going back to where I moved here from and it would indeed feel soooooooo good to move out, get over him and create the happy loving life that I am so desperate to have. Right now that seems so far away that I can’t even see it but I have to believe it is there. When he and I talk on the phone as we always have – this is what has been happening since he ‘broke up’ with me – he seems as though nothing at all has changed. He seems his normal self although he has been calling me a little more than usual. I don’t get it. It feels confusing to me but I feel happy still to hear from him. I feel like that is all false hope and that I should not want him to love or want me still becasue of how he treats me….but I still do and that does not feel good.

    Mercedes…..You are right about the boundaries thing but once I got here…to a new city knowing NO ONE…where was I going to go if I left? Where would I have stayed? I am coming to believe that he knew that and that is one reason that he continued to violate my ‘boundaries’ – he knew that I could not leave. I also feel that this is yet another reason that his threats and abuse have escalated recently. Where exactly would I go? I have no job…no income….I feel that he knew exactly whathe was doing. Sometimes I see him as a bully who had all of this calculated in his mind well before even bringing me here and some of his comments ‘in jest’ have confirmed that for me. I truly do believe that and after talking with a counselor over the phone one evening she said that his actions in that very thing are totally the MO of an abuser. Move his prey out of her comfort zone….away from everything and everyone that she knows and get her into a position where she is totally dependent on him and then he can abuse and abuse until the cows come home or she leaves. I have felt trapped and stuck for along time – pretty much since I got here. I did have my boundaries in place and fell strongly about them but what could i do when I had no where to go? How could I leave? I would have and still would be literally on the street. He has even ‘joked’ about that…again confirming my theory. At least I know what those boundaries are/were. I worked hard to figure out what they are/were but I felt totally helpless once I got here to ‘enforce them’ or leave…..I still do feel that way. I feel afraid of when he will be home and how his treatment of me will be as he can be more cruel than cruel and he just won’t stop. He is a total bully in every way.
    As far as my list – I do know alot but I feel so overwhelmed that I feel as though I can’t move. I don’t know what to do next. I am still looking for jobs but I don’t know what else to do right now that is why I am so excited for my lunch with my friend. I know that she will have some insight as to my next step. I have yet to even be able to packup another box. perhaps tonight I will do another one and add it to the ones in the closet. I still feel so broken and afraid and as though I can’t move in any direction and as though I don’t even know which way to move even if I could. baby steps I suppose?

    love and hugs…..

  31.  #31Daria on April 28, 2009 at 3:09 pm

    AWWW Mercedes! Hugs!!!

    I felt concerned about that comment. It was not exactly directed toward you per se – it was directed towards the helpful voices in my life and yes your comment happened to be the trigger.


    I feel a little guilty. I feel glad to see your strength.

    PS something wonderful happened. The job that had turned me down (that I AM interested in) has responded to my insistent e-mail and is now considering how to proceed with my candidacy.

    Thank you again Mercedes for helping me.

  32.  #32Cassandra on April 28, 2009 at 3:13 pm

    Daria….I often feel the way that you do regarding career stuff. My family sooooooo wants me to go back to where I moved here from and go back into a corporate job and even the thought of it makes me tense all over and have more difficulty breathing. For some reason my chest lately has been telling me a great deal….i have been having so much trouble breating and that is sooooo connected to all of what I am delaing with both with Charles, my job situation or lack thereof, and my career path and everything else. I feeel overwhelmed and can so understand how you feel. I am absoultely NOT telling you to do this but simply asking what would happen if you sat your Mom and Dad down or whoever else is triggering this anger and tell them how you feel using feeling messages? What would happen? what do you think the outcome would be? Perhaps they are not open to those kind of duscussions and you may even feel that you can’t do that with them – believe me…I know that feeling well. I have tried that though and sometimes….not always…..the results have been surprisingly good. I know that I am not in a place myself where I could do that right now with my family but my situation is not exactly the same as yours either. I feel like I wish I could make it better for you in every way.
    Sending you love and one of your very own beautiful flower hugs. xoxoxo

  33.  #33Linda on April 28, 2009 at 4:29 pm


    I have read the posts here and all ther feeling messages. I feel afraid to feel sometimes but that doesnt make them go away. I just stuff them.

    I have posted on various subjects. I can live in a strong place for a while.. but in the back of my mind there is this unsettled anxiousness. It is always there. I just want peace. It seems like I visit it only. My goal has been to not have a negative thought life anymore. To set boundries etc. etc.

    Today I dont feel brave or wise or on top of anything. I feel ravaged on the inside by dissapointment. I want it to go away, but I .dont know how.. I was so lonely when I was married. But I am still lonely now alone. I say I would rather be alone than married and lonely. I hate alone all the time. I feel like everything I am and do… all I have to offer, give, be… is just unwanted.

    I have just cried today. I have no energy to be positive or think. I just feel. I miss being important and valued, and desired. I hate being ignored and shelved and silence. I feel angry and sad that men will just clam up and leave without a word and go on with their lives and new girlfriends and never seem to have sorrow for what they did to you. I am feel angry and sad that they start things but dont finish them with me. I feel mad at myself for grieving something that I never really had only the promise of it. I feel weak and afraid I wont ever possess it.

    I just want him to open up communication. I hate the void, I am mad about caring. I am upset with myself for still wanting him to call me. He barely gave me anything I really needed emotionally. I am mad that I kept hanging on…where were my boundries and have to haves list!…. I am mad myself for still caring or thinking about or even wanting him to call me again. I feel stupid and self betraying. I am upset withmyself that I wanted to write him… contact him… it is all empty. Why cant I stop with the “wow if only he would and then it would great” CRAP…. WHY in the world would anyone say they love you and then do this…and only say..”sorry I’ve be quiet”…. it is like holding a bone in front of a hungry dog implying you are going to not be quiet anymore soon. Why do I still want him to text or call. I am so mad at me and my weakness.

    I have two other men that have showed interest in me.. why do I feel sad ? Because here I sit uncalled, or saught. Sheesh I got a text from one early this morning… but hoping that one of them steps ups makes me feel weak and needy. I hate feeling needy. I want to be strong and together and happy.

    I want to be in love and feel loved and desired. I wante the last guy I dated to do that. But he is emotionally unavailable. When i get on the dating website I see his picture, I see he is online… none of the other canidates move me out there.. and I am mad at that too! He is not worth wanting and yet I do. HELP!!!! I feel nuts.

    I wanted to text.. call, write him.. but the words are stuck in my throat…. I just wish he would call me and start with… hi Im sorry…. wanting that torments me…becasue I should not want to hear them. I FEEL raw.


  34.  #34Mercedes on April 29, 2009 at 6:22 am

    Hey Daria…don’t feel guilty or bad about your comment anymore…you were having strong feelings and you wrote them…that’s what this blog is for! 🙂 You should always be able to let you feelings out here. Hey…and that really IS good news about the job! I hope they find something that fits you even better than the first one. I’ll keep my fingers crossed and my prayers with you!

    Cassandra: I know how you feel. I moved to this city (which is a LONG ways away from everyone I know) and I only knew one person here. My bf…the guy I had been dating long distance for about 2 1/2 years at the time. Well…when we broke up, I was so lost. I did have a job and my own apartment, but I felt so isolated and scared. It’s not the same as you, but it was still very hard. I think you’re taking the right first steps…looking for a job and talking to a professional. I feel like maybe if you do start packing…even though it will be very hard…you might be able to work through some of your feelings. You could even begin to feel stronger as the packing symbolizes your move to your new life. It’s scary because you don’t know where your new life is going to take you, but…it’s also YOUR NEW LIFE! He doesn’t get to control you anymore…you get to show the world how strong you really are…

    Much Love,

  35.  #35heather on April 30, 2009 at 1:14 am

    Cassandra & Daria, Wow, those were quite some lists and expressions as well! Cassandra, honouring you for recognising all of these things – an amazing first step. If you are in an abusive relationship (which it sounds like you are) – the only way is “out” of there. Having been there in that “abusive relationship” space once many years ago, I can honestly say that life only gets better! Taking a zero tolerance approach with that is the only thing that works – as you start acting as if you deserve SO much more, you will have it. The world will embrace you and you will find a way. Your list is great – wishing you strength and speed through this time.

  36.  #36heather on April 30, 2009 at 1:35 am

    New & Old…
    Older days seemed so much simpler & easier to me! Now, there are so many things to stay updated with, between all of the social media, to-do lists, groups, blogs, work, music, family and boyfriend (whom i want to convert to husband). I feel like I am some sort of robot way too often these days.

    15 years ago, all i wanted to do was play music anywhere and everywhere possible. And I did. I still do. I still love it, and it’s a recurring theme in my life; and it has been since my childhood – then and now, this aspect is here to stay for me.

    Now: I have so many other things happening in my life, and I feel too often overwhelmed. I’m a single mother to a great daughter. I am blessed with a great job that keeps me super busy and I have been in a relationship for more than 5 years; one that has made me feel happy and sad and the whole gamut of feelings. And now at the same time, balancing this with the circular dating in an effort to get things moving forward….
    I feel so exhausted & here I am at 4am, laden with yin-deficiency insomnia writing on this blog 😉

    Earlier today, I heard from 2 old friends – a lady friend and a man friend. The lady and I spoke for about 45 minutes. The man – we used to be work colleagues about 10 years ago. at the time he was married. When we spoke today, his update was that he’s now living in the next state over (about 3 hrs away), he’s divorced and still has the same feelings he had for me; ones I never allowed myself to have (other than a deep fondness for him) because he was married. It felt nice to reconnect with both of my old friends 🙂

    On Friday I will be hosting my daughter’s 12th birthday party… Earlier tonight I felt SO exhausted and I snapped at her because she woke me up when I was almost asleep, wanting to sleep in with me because she felt scared… Now, I am feeling guilty about that. She deserves so much more.

    New & Old… today, I want to make every effort to be present through my massive to-do lists; to get these things done and move through them joyfully. No snapping!

  37.  #37Cassandra on April 30, 2009 at 5:31 am

    Heather….thank you so much for your encouragement and for your post. It feels good to know that I am not alone in being in this ‘place’ in my life – not that I would want any other Siren to ever go thru abuse of any kind whatsoever – but what I mean is that it feels good to know that there is light on the other sode of all of this and you even say that life does indeed get better. Mercedes says the same thing and is – like you – an example of that. Sunday and Mondy were hell in that I could hardly move – literally – emotionally I felt as if my world had fallen out from underneath my feet and I felt so much fear that I could not move. I don’t know why but when I get scared – I mean REALLY scared – say you are home alone and you hear something at night that sounds as if someone is in the house but it really was only maybe …a squirrel jumped on the roof from the branch of a tree…..whatever it was that was so not a big deal – I freeze. I can’t move or even speak sometimes. Before coming here that had only happened to me maybe 2 or 3 timesin my entire life where I was THAT scared but Sunday and Monday that is what I felt. Tuesday I managed to get myself to the gym at least for a little while but I felt so out of my comfort zone even though for months now I have been going every day MOnday thru Friday. I did get a little something done but I alsi had to stop earlier than I usually do because I was having so much trouble breathing. Yesterday I was able to help a friend with her mother who due to a massive stroke operates at a 6 year old’s level. I took her Mom to take care of some things that she needed and it felt so good to get to help her. I know I made a good decision to do that because not only did I get to help my friend, I got tohelp her mother as well and I know that just that in itself made me feel better inside – I had a great day for the most part with her and I felt more ok than I had in several days. I have yet to bring myself to pack another box but I am going to try to get at least a few more things packed up.

    I can only hope that you and Mercedes are right when you say that I wil have the things that I want for my life once I get out of here and gain my own self worth again. Thanks again for the encouragement and the kudos. That felt good. Hugs to you.

  38.  #38Cassandra on April 30, 2009 at 5:51 am

    Mercedes….thanks again for sharing your experience with being in that ‘new’ city. am not sure if that sity is where you are now but you seemed to have built a beautiful life for yourself there or wherever you are now if it not that city. I talked with my life coach friend ysterday – she called to check on me which I so appreciated and today we are having lunch. She said somethings that helped as well. Toady I am going to try to at least get a few more things packed up even though I still have no job and no where to go and will be here for a little while longer at least until I can find some sort of income – she said that packing those other things up and only leaveing the things that in need on a day to day basis will help me to feel stronger and like you said perhaps deal with some of my feelings. I feel angry that I have to pack up my entire life all over again and go to a lonely apartment by myself. I feel so angry over that. I also feel confused because Charles has continued to call me as he usually does when he is on the road and we have still talked as though nothing has even happened. That feels confusing to me but in a way I don’t want it to change until I do leave here. I want things to be amicable as I cannot be in the same house with someone that won’t even acknowledge me or totally ignores me or is nasty all of the time. Even though he can be more cruel than cruel, I can’t handle being ognored and not even acknowledged on a daily basis. He has never done that to me though so it will be ok until I can move.

    I feel huge fear again right now…..he just called to say good morning as he always does and said that he is coming home tonight. Something is wrong wtih something on the truck and he is coming home to get it fixed and will be home all weekend. I thought that he was not going to be home until at least late tomorrow night or even Saturday sometime. I feel as though now I have to somehow pretend that I am ok when I am not to not rock the boat in some way and that feels awdul to have to do. I was getting to a point where I was even going to pack a box or 2 or three and I feel angry that again he is disrupting me getting me back on track. I feel angry that HE is disrupting my baby steps. IS that a good sign? I don’t know but that is how I feel. I feel angry like how dare him come home early like this. I guess maybe it is a good sing because I can clearly remember posts of the past where I have so wanted him to come home and noe I feel angry that he is coming home early. Perhaps that is tiny progress?? I don’t know.

  39.  #39Mercedes on April 30, 2009 at 6:43 am

    Cassandra: Yes, I am still in that new city and I love it here and I still love my bf very much. The fact is though, he changed the way he treats me because he’s now afraid of losing me. I changed the way I am by becoming stronger and more confident. He sees all that in me. When I first moved here, I was relying on him for my happiness…now, I’m in charge of it. If he’s doing something that makes me unhappy, I walk away and do something that DOES make me happy. He follows… (because leaning back really does work).

    I still have my lonely apartment and I love it. It’s my place to get away. It’s my independence. It’s my knowledge that I’m not stuck. It’s my security that I CAN walk away if I’m not being treated right. Now…understand, I spend most of my time with my boyfriend at his house and he actually calls it “our” house and will ask me what time I’m going to be “home”, etc. But…I feel better knowing I haven’t given up my independence. Maybe someday I’ll be in a place where he and I will officially live together…but I’m not there yet. He keeps asking me to move in (without pressure) and I keep signing a new lease on my apartment. He also feels that it will happen for us, but he lets me take my baby steps and he holds my hand through those steps.

    So anyway…independence is important to me. I hope you can still pack while he’s there. I hope you can feel your feelings without worrying about what he’s thinking. That’s kind of like a boundary. You feel what you feel when you feel it and nobody can tell you different. I never argue with my bf. I tell him how I feel. My feelings are real and true and mine and certainly not up for debate…so we don’t argue. He says something that could cause an argument…I tell him how I feel. So feel what you’re feeling…feel those feelings while you pack…cry…scream…yell…laugh…whatever. He’s asked you to leave and he’s ended his relationship with you. So…he can no longer have an opinion about how you feel or how you show those feelings. Be you this weekend when he gets home. Be the real, authentic, vulnerable you. Tell him you’re going to move as quickly as possible but let him know you’re sad and afraid. Let him know you’ll be fine (because you WILL BE FINE) but you’re going to need to take baby steps…and then pack some boxes so he sees you are taking those baby steps. Oh Cassandra….you are on your way to independence…embrace the fear that goes along with that and love each baby step you take. Because when you are ready to move on from Charles and be with someone new, those men will not see a woman who’s stuck and afraid…they’ll see a woman who’s really got it together and can hold her head high with confidence because she knows exactly how far she’s come. If what’s happening to you were easy, the lesson wouldn’t be so great and nothing would change for you, but it isn’t easy. And…after you make it through this and look back at the strength and courage it took to get you through….you’ll be proud and you will be strong and you will be independent and only a VERY special man will seem worthy of your heart the next time around…

    Much Love,

  40.  #40Cassandra on April 30, 2009 at 7:21 am

    I was so touched by your post….thank you for that. I feel encouraged by YOUR experience. Maybe itis wrong for me to even think or want this but your experience made – only for just a second – it made me think that once I do change the way I expect to be treated that perhaps even Charles would treat me differently. That was my heart talking NOT my head. My head knows that a leopard really cannot change his spots and I know that. I know that he is so unaware of his abusive behavior and his own issues that he would never be willing to change how he treats me and I know that in my head for sure. I can totally understand you wanting and needing – for YOURSELF – to have your own apartment even though you are at the house most of the time – it does symbolize your choices – I can totally understand that. I can actually see that when I do get my own place that it will takace moving heaven and earth for me to give it up for ANYONE! I can pretty much promise you that! It feels wonderful to know that your BF loved you enough to change his behavior – awesome! I feel happy for you that he did that. With Charles though it is so different – I know that would never happen even though he is sending all of these mixed signals. He has already called me 3 times just this morning just to see if I am ok. I don’t get that at all. He has not asked me to leave per se but of course now that we are not together that is the natural progression of things and several months ago he had said that he did want me to get my own place so that we are not ‘living in sin’. Whatever. I know that living in sin so to speak (which I don’t even see it that way) was a simple excuse because he realized however subconciously that it may be that he is not capable of being in a relationship. he is devoid of any emotion whatsoever and that is the part that scares me because that is what would allow him to hurt me without remorse of any kind. I am going to still pack while he is home and I am going to do the things that make me feel good and you know what? To hell with him. He can go play in traffic while I pack! It is hard to really feel my feelings though when he is here because he can be so cruel that I have to sort of shut down in a way to get thru it. He does not do that all the time but when he is upset or stressed he takes it all out on me. Actually my life coach friend said that she thinks that this is really not even about him not wanting us to be together – he had NO WORK last week – he did not work one day last week as there was no freight to haul and she thinks that him breaking up with me was him taking that out on me. I don’t know if that is true or not and I really don’t care anymore. All I know right now is that I am still looking for jobs and a way to generate some income for myself and get my own place asap. He says that even when I move that he will still be a huge part of my life and I don’t believe that at all. I know that pretty much everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie but I don’t get why is checking on me like he is and being so ‘nice’ now. That baffles me. I have no idea what to expect when he gets home or for the weekend but I suppose it can’t be any worse than what I have been dealing with since I moved here and I have to keep telling myself that and trying to do things that make me feel good about me. Thanks for leting me know that only a very special man will be worhty of my heart down the road – that was sweet Mercedes but after all of this I know that I am not going to be able to allow anyone into my life again because I really thought that this was it and again I made a mistake. I can’t make good decsions when it comes to maters of the heart and so I will need to just be by myself otherwise I will end up with Charles all over again – he will just have a different name. That is also why this is so hard for me- I am having to say good bye to all that I have loved here not just him but his family – this house – his niece whom I absolutely adore – and even having a loving marriage and a child of my own in the future. That is alot to handle. Even if he says something that could start an arguement – even when I simply and calmly say how I feel – he attacks my feelings and says things that make me feel less than trash so I say nothing now. That is also alot to handle. Hopefully I can find a job soon and that will change so much for me…..right now that is really the key to me getting out. Thanks again Mercedes for sharing so much and for all of your insight. It is truly invaluable.
    Sending you so much love….

  41.  #41Mercedes on April 30, 2009 at 8:04 am

    Cassandra: It’s okay to dream of Charles treating you differently after you become stronger. It’s okay to dream of all men treating you differently. The fact is, you won’t put up with being treated like crap and you won’t even want to look at a man who does so it won’t matter how they treat you. You’ll simply walk away if it’s bad.

    As far as loving again, that’s certainly an individual choice. If we choose not to open our hearts to anyone ever again, then we certainly have that right. We can do it because we’re afraid of getting hurt, we can do it because we know we always make bad choices, we can do it because we know we can never be loved. Those are personal choices and I’m guessing we’ll NEVER be able to find someone who will agree on us with those points. So…the problem with shutting off because of reasons like that is we’ll never be able to talk to someone who understands.

    Can you imagine having lunch with a girlfriend and saying “I can never love again because I’m scared and I’m not worthy and nobody can ever love me and I make horrible decisions with men and I’ll never learn how to make good decisions.”

    And your girlfriend says “Yeah…you’re so right! You should spend the rest of your life alone!”

    Ummm….yeah…not gonna happen. So…if that’s what you choose for your life, remember that you will be lonely in other ways too. Besides not only will you not have a love to be your partner and mate for life, you will also not have friends who understand your take on it.

    On the other hand…if you work to heal yourself from the inside out and if you build your independence and confidence and set and stick to your boundaries…then and only then can you have a very fulfilling life. And then and only then can you make a true, mature, educated decision about whether or not you want to share that fulfilling life with another person.

    It’s at that point that you can truly open yourself to experiences with men. You can pick and choose who to allow into your life and how long they get to stay there. You can choose when your heart cracks open just a little to experiment and when it is fully shared.

    I stand by my belief that one should never totally give their heart away…but…I share mine 100% with my boyfriend. It’s not his to do with as he pleases, but I’m sharing it with him. If he hurts it…I’ll take it back into my possession and I won’t let him touch it again. If he treats it with love and respect…I’m more than willing to share it with him, and only him, for the rest of my life.

    Much Love,

  42.  #42Linmayu on April 30, 2009 at 10:22 am

    Mercedes, it feels good to hear you tell Cassandra it’s OK to dream about Charles treating her differently when she is stronger. I’ve been dreaming similarly, but somehow feeling or thinking that I’m wrong to do this, that the men in my life will never change.

    Like, Linmayu, just get used to the fact, people do not change. My father has said something to me along these lines, and I know it came from his experience of trying to get my mother back, and realizing that she was never going to change.

    Yet I change from moment to moment (though there is, I believe, a core of truth that remains). And I want to believe that the men in my life have the same amazing, thrilling capabilities as I do. Otherwise, I’m just seeking a relationship with some sort of fixed, lesser being. And I’m seeking a relationship with a lesser being in order to validate my worth somehow? The logic falls apart like a house of cards.

    I don’t want a relationship with a lesser being–I want a relationship with a miraculous being. One with an amazing capacity for love and forgiveness and change. And to that end, I want to cease labeling any man as “this” or “that,” as “good” or “toxic” or “the one” or “evil” or “abusive” or “cheater” or “jerk.” The past does not dictate my future behavior and nor should it dictate theirs.

    I am holding space for every man in my life, every man who used to be in my life, and every man who is not yet in my life to step out of the boxes that *I* have put them in, and fill the Infinite space that is truly available to them, the space where all possibilities intersect. I no longer expect them to limit themselves to only behaviors that hurt me. I believe that men can be a part of truth and miracle just as I am.

    The relationship I’ll be in will be miraculous. I won’t say exactly how, that’s not for me to know at this time. But I’ve released this intention to the Higher Power and now watch for it to be made manifest.

  43.  #43Mercedes on April 30, 2009 at 10:43 am

    Linmayu: I know people change…we all change…the key is that we only change because we want to. Nobody can tell us to change…we have to want to change in order for that to be. I’ve changed…a lot…over the years and I’m proud of each change.

    When you fantasize about someone treating you better, it’s not wrong. It’s like sending out good vibes. I’ve never once asked my bf to change…but I dreamt of things being better between us. He changed when I walked away…he changed because he knew (for the first time) that I didn’t love him “no matter what”…I loved him for respecting my boundaries and if he couldn’t do that, I couldn’t love him. He changed because he wanted my love, he wanted me, he wanted to change. It was nothing I asked for…it was his reaction to my actions.

    I’m not saying every man will change for us when we walk away or when we get stronger, but our own standards will be higher and we won’t care anymore. If a man doesn’t change when we’re strong enough to walk away, that’s okay…we don’t need to ask them to change…we’ll move on though because they simply don’t deserve us and no matter how much we dreamt of them being different or treating us better, we’ll know it doesn’t really matter because we no longer want them…we want better. If that could have been them, that would have been wonderful (we know this by our dreams) but if it can’t be them…then we’ll go out there and find whoever it is.

    My ex husband is a good man. He’s not right for me. I needed more…he couldn’t give it. I walked…he didn’t chase me…he didn’t want to change. What he saw was a strong, confident woman who he didn’t like anymore. I was changing…he wasn’t changing with me…I lost him because of that. Now…I don’t care that he couldn’t change for me…I’ve found the right man for me. I want my ex to find the right woman for him. He’s not mean or abusive at all…we just don’t fit together because he can’t like who I am (or love for that matter) and so…I want him to find who he can like and love. My dreams of him being right for me didn’t come true but that doesn’t mean I have to hate him. It simply means I had to leave and hope for his happiness with someone better suited.

    Now…I’ve grown even more. I have a bf who loves me for who I am. I have a bf who’s seen me change and continue to grow. I have a bf who walked out on me for whatever reason. I have a bf who then wanted me back. I have a bf who couldn’t handle it when I said I couldn’t come back. I have a bf who CHOSE to change…and fulfill my fantasies…and hold my hand…and cherish me…all because HE WANTED TO…not once because I asked him to.

    I love this conversation because it seems so full of hope and new beginnings and embracing fears and tearing down those boxes we’ve put others in…(thanks for that visual…I like it…we do tend to put people in boxes based on our own experiences huh?)…

    Much Love,

  44.  #44Mercedes on April 30, 2009 at 10:47 am

    Oh and Linmayu…one more thing:

    I do believe with all my heart that your relationship will be miraculous! And you’re right…it’s not for you to know just how that is. I have more than I could have ever dreamed of in some ways….in other ways, I have a man who challenges me to help him keep us strong…in all ways, I have a miracle that I could never have begun to dream with another man. This particular man makes the miracle…not a fantasy man or any man from my past. If you haven’t met the man that will give you your miracle…you can’t possibly know how that miracle is going to play out.

    I wish you all the best. Some Mercedes good vibes being sent to you over cyber space right now…

    Some more for all of you lovely ladies…

    Much Love,

  45.  #45Rori Raye on April 30, 2009 at 11:19 am

    Joy, Welcome – and how lovely! thank you so much, and I look forward to hearing more about you and how this blog works for you…Love, Rori

  46.  #46Linmayu on April 30, 2009 at 1:29 pm

    Mercedes, I feel thrilled to read your words. It’s just as I’ve been thinking recently–that asking a man to change is like putting white-out on your monitor. It doesn’t work. I choose to be open to them changing, and yes, to walk away–or in my case, just STAY away, as my heart has not been given to anyone. My miraculous man will show himself to me; I don’t need to go looking for him.

  47.  #47Tracy on May 1, 2009 at 4:26 am

    I love what you said about moving on from a relationship and taking care of ourselves no matter what..
    I feel that over the past few months i have changed my vibe has changed and my outlook towards men and how i feel about them has also changed….
    I am still making mistakes and i did one yesterday…..this guy i liked was around for drinks and i felt myself waiting for him to come over and talk to me and maybe ask me to go out with him for drinks… felt overwhelming that i left the room and later on when we met again he asked me if i was okay….I really felt that need to be with him i guess mostly because we had been intimate just a week before and i felt myself wanting to lean forward…
    The last time this happened however before i stumbled on this blog i got all emotional and cried in front of him and i was a mess….but this time round i leaned back and decided to go out and have fun with my friends…
    All we had was an affair and he chose to get engaged to his longtime girlfriend…..I do feel attracted to him and when he comes around and wants to go and hang out with me i agree most of the time but i feel that its time i stopped…..because now i feel that i am strong enough to do it and find something more commited and loving with another person.
    It feels easy to say it and my mind knows the right thing to do….but often times when the moment comes i feel weak and confused and i feel unwilling to make the right step….
    I do feel encouraged though that this time round i walked away with no drama and i feel that i should work upwards to saying no to dates and focusing on other fun things to do…
    I still feel the connection towards him but he’s decided i do feel however that i am stil making my baby steps to finding my own love….however in my journey i have discovered that i needed to work on myself first and i am grateful for this experience because it has opened my eyes to finding myself
    I have been circular dating and using feeling messages especially with those close to me…i feel encouraged to continue to express my feelings and be my authentic self…i discovered that what needed sorting out was actually me and how i loved myself….
    Its been a long journey but for the first time yesterday i saw the success of it…i am still having my sad and scared feelings and i do work with this guy so its crazy having to see him everyday….i do feel however that this is a challenge i need to face to be good to me…to be honest to myself first and then him about how i feel…
    He does come to check up on me from time to time and since my vibe changed i feel that he started leaning forward again…I want more than that and i feel that i am making steps towards achieving that..i feel hopeful…
    I love the mistakes i have made,i cherish the love and compassion that the universe and God has provided for me and i feel blessed to be going though this journey of learning and experiencing life in its fullest…and i feel that i am learning so much and i feel safer with me…i feel love around me and i feel happy to be where i am…

  48.  #48Tracy on May 1, 2009 at 4:38 am

    A part of me feels that i need more discovering of myself before i fully open up to loving someone and being in a really committed relationship….This past experience has taught me that i need to love me more and be good to myself and that i do come first…Most of all i feel that i never have been honest about how i truly feel inside..even with this guy…..i was closed up at first then my emotions burst out…..and now i am only beginning to recognizing my feelings but unable to express them to the world…..
    What do i feel about this guy?
    I feel attracted to him….i feel cornered and unable to be myself around him because he is not available…i feel unsure and i feel confused when he seems to want to be with me…even though he’s committed elsewhere..
    I feel myself pulling away because i want more…i feel unsure that he can give me what i really want..i feel that maybe this was a steppin stone a better and more successful relationship..i feel hopeful…i feel guilty for letting this go on for a long time but i love my guilt be

  49.  #49Tracy on May 1, 2009 at 4:40 am

    because it shows that i have a conscience…i feel that i though i cannot take the clock back…i can work on now and make it better…i feel motivated to work on that..

  50.  #50Mercedes on May 1, 2009 at 7:15 am

    Linmayu: Now I want to put white-out on my monitor…but I think I’ll get in trouble at work… 🙂

    Tracy: You’re so wonderful! I love seeing someone so incredibly motivated to work from the inside out…it’s inspiring. We all make mistakes…I’ve worked so hard and yet still find myself leaning forward sometimes and reacting in ways that are counter-productive. Even Rori talks about her mistakes all the time. We all make those mistakes…the key is not to beat ourselves up over them but to learn from them instead. Being with an unavailable man is so incredibly hard…it hurts in ways that are hard to put into words. I hope you find happiness with a man who is totally available to you and sees you for the beautiful woman you are. You did a great thing by walking away without the drama. You did a really wonderful thing. You showed yourself how strong you are. I know what it feels like to be weak in the moment. Most if not all of the mistakes I’ve made with my boyfriend were in those weak moments…not something I would have done had I given myself time to calm down and breathe and think about the potential reprocussions involved in my actions. Now, when I feel weak, I go off by myself and concentrate on breathing (sort of like a meditation almost)…when I’ve got my brain totally focused on my breathing, I think about the senario and I picture it playing out in the future. I don’t let fantasy get involved…I picture it realistically…really, what’s going to happen if I react this way (is he REALLY going to see my side of things or am I going to look like a raving psycho to him…how would I feel if he reacted to me the way I’m thinking about reacting to him? etc)…generally, it gets me through that moment. I’m able to hold my head high and know that I’m not giving in to my weakness…I’m pulling my strength to my core and I can be proud of myself.

    I do this in situations with friends and family too. When the moment makes me want to rant and rave or burst into tears, I breathe and picture the senario based on my reactions. I know I can’t control other people, but…I can control my reactions to them and most of the time, when I really take the time to think about how I need to react…the result is much better than the explosion that used to come out of me. (I’m a calm American Indian with an Irish temper…what that means is that is takes a lot to create a spark in me but when it does…OMG LOOK OUT cuz TNT ain’t got nothin on me baby!) 🙂

  51.  #51Katja on May 1, 2009 at 8:08 am

    To all the ladies here on this wonderful blog and to you,Rori:

    I am saying goodbye now – because my life changed within the last thirteen days from hope and progress and good feelings to being devastated and lonely and without any hope. I am going through the roughest time of my life…Thirteen days ago my beloved boyfriend and father of my seven months old baby girl died absolutely unexpected alone at home. I drove with my daughter to my parents who live three hours away one day before it happened and I feel guilty for not being there and for being so selfish to drive to my parents. I can’t describe what I am feeling now – I know that I will be alone for a long long long time because this love was special – he was the ONE for me,I was for him,we had our bad and our good times but we never wanted to be separated – we always knew we would be together forever. Now after his death I see things so much more clearer – I see that he LOVED me (and still loves me) and that he showed me his love in so many ways but I couldn’t see it almost all the time while he was alive. I was the one pushing him away,I was the one that wasn’t confident and felt “unloved”. Its absolutely horrible,I am alone now with my little baby,she will never know her father,she will never see her father and never play with her father again. I am saying goodbye now to this blog and all the wonderful ladies here because I am not going to be in need for relationship advice anytime soon.

    and still lots of love to all of you,you deserve it and I am hoping for everyone of you that you all will be happy and experience love and joy!!!


  52.  #52Winks on May 1, 2009 at 8:10 am

    I have a question. I have been dating a man for a couple of months. He has been very good at pursuing me consistently. We live in a large city, he has property in the country a couple hours drive outside the city where he spends his weekends. He began asking me to join him there on the weekends. He also takes advantage of the time to visit his aging parents near there (it’s way too soon for me to meet his parents) so he asks that i take a train there sometimes and ride back with him or some variation of that. I understand this, I told him after the first time that it feels great spending the weekend with him and getting out into the country but feels a little less good going it alone. I asked what he thinks and he replied that the alternative would be not going. He since has been very sensitive around asking me to do any travel, but he still asks it. Asking that I take the subway to meet him at his parking garage rather than picking me up. Granted just to “swing by” and pick me up would add an hour to his drive. I understand all this and what is convenient. But in the back of my head think: I seem to be DOING a lot and he’s not going out of his way at all.
    The last time driving back he dropped me off with my bags at a subway stop far from home because he had someplace to be and wasn’t going my way. He knew I wasn’t crazy about this plan and was extra affectionate and explaining why to make up for what he knew I wasn’t going to like.
    The next day he asked if I wanted to swing by his place this week and also if I want to go to the country again. I replied that I felt like I need to stay in the city this weekend, and maybe he’d like to swing by my place instead. He was more than accommodating and very affectionate when he did come to my place.
    My question is, as I am reading Have the Relationship You Want again this morning, it says not to try to control. Even though I was standing up for myself, was this controlling on my part? And how can I be respectful of his time (very busy man) and what makes most sense convenience-wise, and not be overfunctioning? This feels like a constant struggle within myself. I don’t want to be more trouble than I’m worth losing freedom over. But because of what I have read, I want him to go out of his way for me. Does this make sense? How do I approach this so we both win?

  53.  #53Linmayu on May 1, 2009 at 9:14 am

    Oh God. Katja, I don’t know if you’ll read this, but I feel terribly, terribly sorry for your loss. You and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope this doesn’t sound like a canned response; I feel shocked and speechless at the news, I can’t even imagine how you must feel.

    Know that you are loved. I only knew you as a name, a face, and words, but you’re still in my heart. I wish you the best and pray for the Higher Power to hold your hand through this horrible, difficult time.

  54.  #54Rori Raye on May 1, 2009 at 9:39 am

    Winks – what happened to taxis?

    and I know the country must be fun…but you’re either going to have to be an intrepid traveler enjoying weekends out of the city with him and not expect it’s doing anything one way or another for the “relationship”…or only do it occasionally and take a cab to and from his drop-off place. Subway doesn’t sound good to ME, don’t know how you feel. Hope you’re Circular Dating…

    He’s telling you what he’s willing to do – either it feels good or it doesn’t…keep on experimenting here…Love, Rori

  55.  #55Rori Raye on May 1, 2009 at 9:47 am

    Katja, sending you love. So sorry, and wishing you all the support and love in the universe to take you through this painful time. You have done nothing to feel guilty for, though this is part of the stages of grief for everyone – you are an amazing woman, full of love, and I know everyone here sends you and your daughter more and more love and warmth. Love, Rori

  56.  #56DocK on May 1, 2009 at 9:50 am


    I think Linmayu put it so eloquently – everything she said about feeling we know you through this site, love you and support you and prayers and thoughts go out to you and your daughter. I am so sorry for your experience of loss. I know that you are shaken, hurting and I wish words of comfort could change that. I am sorry.

  57.  #57Mercedes on May 1, 2009 at 10:05 am


    I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. I’m with Rori…you have done nothing wrong here but she’s right…guilt goes along with loss and it’s so easy for us to say “I wish I would have…” You are showing us all again how short life is and I hope we all learn to appreciate every moment no matter how small it may seem at the time.

    All my love and prayers are with you and your child through this time of healing. Know you have friends here and we’ll be thinking of you. I wish I could say more…

    Much Love for you during this time of grief and loss,

  58.  #58Daria on May 1, 2009 at 10:28 am

    Oh my God Katja I feel so bad for you… I feel shaky with sobs right now and I want to hug you and I send you all the strength and love and hope I can.

    This happened to my cousin right when she found the love of her life he died unexpectedly just a few months later. It feels so sad. I am so so so sorry.

  59.  #59Tracy on May 1, 2009 at 11:50 am

    I am so sorry for your loss….i Pray you find courage to go through the difficult time and love to continue you through life’s journey.It’s always so difficult to get through especially for those very close and dear to us…sending you lots of love and hugs..


    Thank you for the encouragement.I feel lost sometimes especially when the nasty voices keep coming up and i feel discouraged when i make mistakes and i have to pick myself up and try again….I do feel that my vibe has completely changed and i love the new me that i am becoming..i do feel that i have a long way to go and i still have my vision of this wonderful man in a wonderful relationship…thanks for your kind words as i feel motivated to keep on trying and moving forward..

  60.  #60heartbeat on May 1, 2009 at 12:12 pm

    I feel so shocked and sad… I wish I could hold you, I send love and you are in my thoughts and prayers. I felt a special connection with you and I will never forget you.

  61.  #61Cassandra on May 1, 2009 at 4:08 pm

    Katja…I am not sure if you will get this or not but I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I know that your heart much be broken but please know that you are in my prayers and in my thoughts…both you and your little angel. I feel like I wish I could give you a huge hug and somehow take your pain away. Know that you are loved. I wish that you would stay here on the blog so that we could al be there to support you but understand that it would be hard since this is a relationship based blog. Please do things right now to take care of you and heal your heart. I send you and your little one so much love.

    With love and hugs….

  62.  #62Daria on May 1, 2009 at 4:14 pm

    Cassandra you are so gifted at saying the right thing in the most beautiful caring way.

    I’ve never seen anything like it.

    Thank you for that and for expressing my feelings as well through your words.

  63.  #63Cassandra on May 1, 2009 at 4:20 pm

    I feel broken right now and I feel hurt and I feel angry and I feel helpless to do anything about it. I feel angry that Katja is hurting so much and no one can fix it or even explain it. I feel lost because of the situation that I am in and I feel like I belong no where on this earth. Charles ended up coming home earlier than I had expected and I felt fear yesterday knowing that he was going to be home last night. Everything was fine as a matter of fact he acted quite loving towards me. That made me feel even more confused than I already am. I know though that it changes nothing. Today he has been gone most of the day getting his refrigerated unit fixed and came home for a brief moment to change clothes into work clothes and want back to the truck to fix some other things that he needed to fix. Part of the time that he was here he was fine and the other part he seemed to act as though i was in his way. That hurt me so I went in the other room and packed up one more box. This is the FIRST box I have packed since packing up a few things this past winter that we don’t use regularly and he would not notice they were missing ie: packed. As I was packing the small box this evening I felt as though my heart was being ripped out of my chest and I just sat down on the floor and cried. Damnit this was supposed to be my last stop…my home for eht rest of my life and we were supposed to live happily ever after. I feel so damn hurt and so damn broken and so guilty for feeling that way because I feel that what am dealing with is small potatoes compared to what Katja is going thru. I feel guilty that I feel so broken. Charles is alive and healthy and here. I feel as though I shouldn’t feel broken about this because he is abusive towards me sometimes.

    Yesterday I had a luncheon with my life coach friend and her best friend. We got to the restaurant at 1:15 and left there at 5:45. We talked mostly about Charles and his treatment of me. She said that she is extremely concerned about his ‘niceness’ and that she thinks that he is leaving a trail of niceness behind him for some reason. I don’t know. She however now has my address and we are keeping in touch at least every other day. it feels good to know that someone cares about me on that level but I also feel humilated. I feel like I should ‘just snap out of it’ and she even said that she feels that I am in denial of how serious this situation really is. I am numb and right this moment I honestly don’t care how serious it is – if it is. I feel like packing that box brought me even further down into a pit of darkness and hurt and that I have absolutely nothing to offer anyone. I just don’t care right now about anything anymore. I hope that this gets better, I really really do.

  64.  #64Maria on May 1, 2009 at 5:35 pm

    Cassandra, l feel happy that you have finally someone in your network who knows about your situation. l think that you have done major tiny step further, and when you say – I feel like I should ‘just snap out of it’- l think you should not expect yourself to do any MAJOR jumps, it all has to go step by step in gaining your power back. Then finally when you are strong enough you will be given next stone to step on. Just go and discover the blessings God has prepared for you. l think right now what you can do is to enlarge your “support” network, people who care and take your situation seriously.

  65.  #65Winks on May 1, 2009 at 7:21 pm

    I feel petty and selfish with my problem after seeing Katja’s post. Sending her much strength to get through this time. We all know how precious one good man is.

    Thank you Rori, I will keep experimenting and figuring out what my boundaries are here. Taxis are just expensive (my expense) especially if it’s some distance, though a lot less struggle or effort on my part. He is doing the driving, gas etc. I really don’t want to be such a downer, I’m sure he would resent that.
    And I try to be happy to go along each time just for what it is. It would be easy to fantasize about the future and the house he wants to build etc. oh so tempting…but it’s HIS place. I am fully aware.

  66.  #66Ann on May 1, 2009 at 7:40 pm

    I’ve been reading and following along the best I could on my mobile this week.

    Katja my heart goes out to you and your daughter and the rest of the family. I am so sorry, like others here I’d like to give you a big hug and real time support. I will be praying for your family.

  67.  #67Katja on May 2, 2009 at 1:31 am

    Thank you so very much for your words – it means so much to me! Thank you Rori for your personal email!

    Heartbeat – I felt a special connection with you,too.

    I am just saying goodbye for now…I will take my time to mourn and after some time has passed I will come back to this blog,even when its relationship based – but it helped me so much with other parts of my life and I feel good here and I feel like I have to give a lot and everyone can learn something from my situation – but I hope for everyone that you will never ever have to experience what I am experiencing now!

    I know that life will go on and that I will be happy again somewhere in the future. Thank you,ladies,for being here and doing what you are doing.

    Please continue to include my little girl and me in your prayers though I know that I am very strong (and this blog helped me to become so strong!). I will return here,I promise.

    I feel so grateful for having this short but intense amount of time with my boyfriend and I feel so grateful for being his ONE and for being the mother of his little princess he was so proud of. I feel endless love for him and I feel like he’s at a really peaceful and loving place right now and I feel that he feels happy there.

  68.  #68Flipper on May 2, 2009 at 2:06 am

    Katja, I, too feel so sad that you are suffering from this terrible shock. I only feel comforted and hope you will, too, in knowing that your love for him was real and shared, that you know it will last in you forever in some good way that will help you carry on to create more happiness for you and your dear little daughter, and the world in general. The cost to you feels so wretched and unfair, I only wish I could help ease the pain by expressing all the gratitude I feel to you for sharing yourself so intimately with us here. Peace to you, my dear.

  69.  #69Flipper on May 2, 2009 at 2:44 am

    Cassandra, I so empathize with your feelings of discouragement and stubborness. ‘Snapping out of it’ just does not exist On Command. I believe it does exist, tho’, once we’ve made enough baby steps, even ‘wrong’ ones, to spark the Universe into gear to send along its help. Just writing in here shows your will to survive and move on, you will definitely make it. I feel relieved, too, to hear about those wonderful people supporting you. Courage, sweet, sensitive Cassandra and remember to extend your deep compassion to yourself.

    Winks, your situation feels like being tested for a friends-with-benefits ‘relation’. I hear lots of concern on Your side for His convenience, doing Your part in the logistics as any worthwhile ‘friend’ would do and being the ‘polite’ houseguest. This does not feel like being treated like a goddess. Friends, or even relatives, do not bring to a relationship the intensity of their feelings nor the commitment of their hearts and bodies that people do in an exclusive love relationship. This man has you all to himself (for the parts He wants) of whole weekends, leaves you on your own there without the accessories to lead your normal your life (connections, transport, stuff) while he takes care of his own business, and then can’t be bothered to get you home safely, cheaply and conveniently for you? This is not to say he’s toxic or consciously trying to take advantage of you, but if what he ‘knows’ he likes can be had without ‘buying the cow’, he’ll probably feel fine going along drinking seemingly freely offered milk. When he meets a divine, goddessy ‘cow’ (sorry – I hate the term in this analogy, too, but it’s from the common expression), only then will he realize there’s so much more to have and Want to invest in and worship her in order to get it.

    I feel one of my own major misconceptions has been trying to apply ‘common courtesy’ to my love relationships. I felt I should not ‘debase’ myself to act/react in a thoughtless, ‘selfish’ manner even if I was badly treated (‘maybe’ by mistake or ignorance), but this has always been misinterpreted and my niceness/status winds up being confused with a doormat – handy but expendable.

  70.  #70Winks on May 2, 2009 at 6:26 am

    Thank you Flipper, that is exactly what I needed to hear. And what I was beginning to suspect myself.

  71.  #71Rori Raye on May 2, 2009 at 11:30 am

    Cassandra – I am so sorry your journey to yourself is so challenging – and yet, that’s what it is.

    I’ve finished reading the “Twilight Sage” – all 4 books, and I’m going to be writing a lot about the main character, Bella – in a metaphorical way for us all. For now – her man says to her, often:

    “When will you see yourself clearly?” – because she simply cannot appreciate herself. Herself as a person, her skills – nothing about her. Even though she’s heroic – she can’t see it, and she can’t accept it.

    This is so many of us. Start seeing yourself as a possessor of strength, honor, heroics. This is truly who you are. Love, Rori

  72.  #72Ann on May 2, 2009 at 2:46 pm

    Rori I feel this question applies to myself also “When will you see yourself clearly?” It’s like sometimes(often days or weeks at a time) I can see glimpses of what a goddess I am but them BAM something triggers me and I wonder will I ever be the woman I want to be?

  73.  #73Linmayu on May 2, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    On the subject of seeing ourselves clearly: We not only have Goddess-given gifts and strengths, but we also get to GIVE ourselves any strengths we want to have.

    Try this experiment.

    Stand facing a mirror. Close your eyes and repeat “I’m ugly” to yourself until you start to believe it and feel upset. Then open your eyes and look in the mirror. What do you see?

    Now, do the same thing again, except instead say to yourself “I’m exquisitely beautiful.” I guarantee your face will be utterly different. At least it was for me. I felt very surprised to find that constant thoughts of “I’m beautiful” had more effect on my appearance than I could ever accomplish with cosmetics.

  74.  #74Ann on May 2, 2009 at 4:47 pm

    Linmayu this sounds like a very interesting exercise. As unsettled as I’ve been lately I’m afraid I’d stay stuck in the “I’m ugly” part of the exercise. I could try the I’m beautiful” part maybe.

    I have notice before my face looks different in the mirror depending on how I’m feeling about myself.

    How often do you do this?

  75.  #75Tracy on May 2, 2009 at 9:47 pm

    That sounds like a very interesting exercise….will definately try it.Thanks for sharing.

  76.  #76TW on May 3, 2009 at 7:19 am

    I have missed you so much. I am on my way to church but will post more when I get back. I have been posting in the Circular Dating post for May. Flipperhas been on there helping me out a bit but that will get you up to speed until I get around to posting later. I miss you and I am sorry for your bad experiences too.

  77.  #77Linmayu on May 3, 2009 at 9:07 am

    Ann, I did it exactly once, on a whim, and was so surprised at the results that now I don’t leave the house without thinking “I’m exquisitely beautiful.”

  78.  #78Cassandra on May 3, 2009 at 9:51 am

    Daria….your post brought tears to my eyes knowing that you feel that I have a gift like that. I made me cry because it made me feel that I had actually touched someone else the way that you and so many others here touch me. Thank you for that and I will share my words with you anytime! 🙂 Your post really made me feel good. xoxoxoxo

    Thank you also for your post and support. I feel silly that one minute I feel strong and srot of like ‘wtf have I been thinking’ but then the next minute I feel so sad and so broken that I just don’t care anymore and then the next minute I get into ‘I am on a mission to get out of here’ mode. And I wonder why I feel confusion??!! hee hee I feel like Iam going between those 3 ‘places’ every minute and it feels overwhelming. I am trying to do exactly what you said and surround myself with as much support as I can. The other day – when I had lunch with my life coach friend and her best friend – that was the BEST day that I have had in a very very long time. I felt sogood being with them and just hanging out even though we were tlaking about Charles most of the time I felt so good just being with them. That was also the first day since I can remember that I did my make-up the way that I used to and fixed my hair and got dressed in something that made me feel good. That felt good too.

    Katja…I so wish that I could hug you. You and your angel are and will continue to be in my prayers. You are truly and amazing lady and I am so thankful for the posts that you hshared with us and I feel sohappy for the growth that you achieved. I feel proud of you and to have ‘known’ you and I look forward to your return. Please know that you are such a blessing to all of us. I send you so much love.

    Flipper…your post also brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for your sweet words of encouragement. I do feel that my God is indeed bringing support into my life and I am seeing that every day. I feel thankful for that. I have felt such a connection with you and also feel so thankful for you. One of the things that I know that i struggle with is encouraging and building myself up. I can be there in a flash to encourage and build up others but I do indeed struggle to do so for myself. I often end up in confusion when I am trying to build myself up because I get so overwhelmed that I get to that place where I just can’t move and then I do nothing because I feel ‘frozen’ so to speak. I am trying to be more aware of when that is happening but so far when I do catch it I am already in ‘frozen mode’ and then I can’t move. I also know hoevver that all of this is sooooooo much bigger than Charles. At least I know that much.

    Rori…the fact that you posted something directly to me made me feel so special…thank you for that. I have always known for whatever reason – I still have not figured it out – but for me to learn lessons in life I always take the hard road. I am not sure why and I know that it is certainly not a conscious thing. It is as though when taking a trip from New York to new Jersey I have to all the way around the world and thu Egypt to get there. I am not sure why. I know that i do struggle and it feels as though I am so far behind everyone else that was here in the very beginning like I was. I want o be there but I guess I am still traveling thru Egypt to get there.

    This..that you wrote…..
    “When will you see yourself clearly?” – because she simply cannot appreciate herself. Herself as a person, her skills – nothing about her. Even though she’s heroic – she can’t see it, and she can’t accept it.
    touched me so deeply because even my family and my best friends tell me that all the time….I wish that you could see what I/we see. OMG – I wish that I could. You have no idea how I wish that I could. Thank you so much for your encouragement and for taking the time to speak to me personally. That meant/s a great deal to me. ONe thing that I can say is that I mush have some sort of strength and a definite purpose to have been brought through all that I have been thru with my health. That in itself requires strength of spirit and I must at least have that…I am still here aren’t I?!! hee hee I realized with Linmayu’s test that even though I am wildly creative I struggle with visualiztions. I can’t for some reason make them seem real to me – I have to experience something for it to be ‘real’ or truly understood in my head. I guess that is how I learn and perhaps because all of the tools are about visualizing things could this be where I am missing it? Linmayu’s test showed me so much to the point that I could not stop crying and even now am crying just thinking about how I triggered myself with abusive words. Do you ahve any ideas how I can make your visualizations more real to me….to somehow EXPERIENCE them? I know that that would help me so much because I definitely learn alot thru experiencing them but then again I have been delaing with experiencing abuse from Charles for a long time and still have trouble ‘getting it’.

    Linmayu….your tool was so powerful. I could not stop crying when I told myself how ugly i was as a matter of fact I fell to my knees and wept for quite a while feeling as though I – again – had beaten myself to a pulp emotionally and had again let that little girl in me down and I know that she fetl that again she was all alone. The test actually had a very profound affect on me. I realized that even more than Charles abuses me….perhaps I do an even better job of doing just that. That was a huge eye opener for me. I think that I had gotten a glimpse of that before but your test made it more real than it has ever felt. I felt so horrible and broken and the EXACT same feelings that I feel when Charles says some of the crueler than cruel things that he sometimes says to me. That did not feel good and I will not do that again although it was extremely painful it showed me so so so much. I was not able to do the ‘you are beautiful’ part right after that because I needed to riff on those awful, hurt feelings but I did do it a different time and I did feel better. One more thing….yes sweetie…you are indeed exquisitely beautiful…both inside and out.

    TW…. I have missed you trendsouly as well. I think of you and Clara and Lin Lin every day and pray that you are all doing so well and are happy. I have not been to the circular dating posts yet because I am not at all ready for that although there is an interesting thing going on now that I will share with you all at a later time. I feel so so so happy to hear from you. You are truly so special to me and I feel so connected to you and just feel so happy to hear from you. I can’t wait to read your posts and get caught up. I love you TW! 🙂

    Today I am feeling lost for the most part. Yesterday was a great day for me – I had alot of fun with Charles and he was quite loving and affectionate as we worked in the yard. I felt happy yesterday and we were even laughing and giggling as we worked. Today does not feel the same. He is out working on his truck which feels good that he is not here right now but I feel like he is only coming home for us to have lunch together because we have to eat. NOT because he wants to have munch with ME per se’. He made plans to spend most of the late afternoon and evening withhis brother and cousin – or so he says – but part of me feels sad that we will not be together but the other part of me feels happy that I can do what I want to do. I am on my own for dinner and may get to out with his cousin’s soon to be ex wife and I do hope that we get to go out. If not I am going to have a quiet night at home doing things that I like to do here. I am trying to take care of my heart and maybe I will even pack one more bopx but based on how I felt doing that Friday night I am not sure I am up for that again yet.

    I feel so thankful for each and every one of you here. Thank you for being the amazing Sirens that you are. I send each of you so much love and many many hugs.

  79.  #79TW on May 3, 2009 at 10:09 am

    I am so sorry that you are going through what you are going through but you continue to pray and ask God for guidance and he will give it to you and then you will find peace. Anything you ask in Jesus’ name it shall be given unto you and you being a child of God already know that. My job as a fellow Christian is to send you encouraging words in your time of need. You only have to have enough faith the size of a mustard seed. I know it is hard to even think about faith right now but pray and wait and God will deliver my love.

    I asked my LI was he seeing anyone else or sleeping with anyone else and he said no. I told him that I do not want him seeing or sleeping with ohter women and that I wanted to be married. He said that he was not ready for marriage and I said that it was ok and that there was no pressure. I asked him did he see himself building a life with me and he said yes but just was not ready for marriage yet. He has still been acting distant with me and not spending time with me and it makes me feel sad but I ordered the modern siren program and hopefully that will help me out and I can turn this around. I am seeing another guy and he is giving me the attention that I need. It is the same guy that I saw for Thanksgiving and stuff so with that being said there may be something there. He says that he loves me but I was honest with him and told him that I was nowhere near being able to love him but enjoyed his company and we could just continue seeing each other to see where it goes.

  80.  #80Ann on May 3, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    Cassandra I feel glad to see you posting again but sadness also because you’re hurting. I see similarites in our lives. I’m also good at reaching out to others lifting them up but neglecting myself at times. I also have trouble with the visualizations. BUT I also see another way we are similiar altho, I’m not sure you see it yet tho.

    But Cassandra you and I(probably most of the ladies here) are SURVIVORS. You are alot stronger than you may think, you will get through this, with the help of yourself, your family/friends there, and your friends here.

    I hear your strength and compassion when you’re posting to others. I see you giving them encouragement and great advice. I also see you taking baby steps to give all those things back to yourself.

    I come from a life of HARD knocks. It seems nothing can ever come easy. But I learn and I grow and I become better every day now I don’t always believe that every day but that doesn’t make it any less true.

    I have a request to ask of all the beautiful GODDESSES on this blog. I’ve already seen this done some but I’m asking can we do it more. PLEASE share ways you work the tools and tools or exercises you’ve come up with on your own. This would be a tremendous help to those of us who can’t completely grasp visualation.

    I’ll share some today. I have a mirror on my medicine cabinet in my bathroom. I use it to help me work the tools. I try to stop and look myself in the eyes EVERYTIME I go in there. If I can’t make eye contact with myself how can I expect to hold it with anyone else. I also use it to tell myself “I love you” “I am cute” “I am sexy.”

    I have a full length mirror in my bedroom. Oftentimes, I stand in front of this mirror topless. Now I could focus on my negative there “my breast sag” but I refuse to “my breast are still soft” “my neck is still firm, soft and wrinkle free” “women younger than me would pay for my belly.”

    I do these things for seconds at a time as often as I can. Until this year, this blog I couldn’t look myself in the eye in a mirror no longer than a split sec. I didn’t even look in my eyes when applying make up.

    One other thing when I get really down on myself hearing my nasty voice saying things like “you’ll never be good enough, feminine enough, pretty enough, you’re too old to be attractive or men to pay attention too.” I might set in that for a bit but eventually I hear a word that’s trained in my mind from reading so much Rori stuff. STOP STOP STOP then I tell myself you talk to yourself like you would another hurting person. You’d NEVER say those things to another so STOP saying them to yourself. Then I say thank you to my nasty voice for reminding me to take care of me but I no longer need you at the moment.

    Well this is getting long and I’m sorry if it sounds preachy that’s not my intention. I get help here and I hope to be a help. I feel kinda in the masculine with all the advice but I also feel feminine because I’m speaking the truth about a few things that help me.

    HUGS to all.

  81.  #81Flipper on May 3, 2009 at 4:57 pm

    Fabulous, Ann!!!! You’re so right – I feel Myself when you talk so intimately about Yourself. I feel reinforced in some of my practices, such as positive mirror sessions, and encouraged to develop them as well as add in more of yours. I love the idea of really looking into my eyes. Just this evening, I used the excuse of bad lighting in the place I was to Not look at someone interesting, then proceeded to beat myself up because he left before I could try to make up for it. Looking in someone’s eyes is a real challenge for me – even my kids’!.

    If the visualizations don’t work so well for you and Cassandra, perhaps the physically-touching things tools would be more helpful to you. We all have different predispositions for learning and appreciating, favoring some senses over others, and this changes over time as well (apparently, most people become less visual after 40). I’m finding the touching feels really good, and I already knew that movement helps me retain important things better. Like Cassandra, the frozen-thing happens to me, and it feels like that’s short-circuiting my Ability to perceive and absorb, leaving me feeling useless and dumb. But reaching out and actually touching something gets me to a better place. Also, sometimes rather than imagining something, because my mind usually veers off onto some old broken-record junk instead, it feels more grounding to keep my eyes open and really look at something in detail, or else at the whole scene if it’s a beautiful one.

  82.  #82TW on May 3, 2009 at 5:08 pm

    Hey girl… How are you today? I have not read any of the new post for today just saw the e mails. I will read them thouroughly in a minute. Anyway, I called my LI 2x today which I know is a no no but I was trying to see when would be a good time for him to talk but he did not answer the phone either time. I left a message and said that I felt frustrated and that I would not be calling anymore. I did not sound mad or anything just letting him know that I do notice that he does not answer me or even bother to call me for that matter. It makes me feel unimportant. Part of me just wants to tell him goodbye and just leave it alone. What do you think?

  83.  #83Ann on May 3, 2009 at 5:33 pm

    Thanks Flipper for responding I love your ideas. Eye contact has always been hard for me, I feel it’s because I believe “my eyes are the windows to my soul.” I believe people can see my pain and fear when it’s in my eyes and I don’t always feel safe sharing that. But if I don’t look in my own eyes and learn to share whatever I’m feeling with me I won’t be able to share with anyone else either.

    I have a good imagination, I can visualize but the problem is I imagine/visualize the bad or rather results I don’t want. So visualization doesn’t work for me to feel good. Altho, I’ve been telling myself lately I really need to imagine things I want because I’ve come to believe focusing too much on what I don’t want will help bring it to me.

    My astrolgically sign is cancer so my moods can swing so many different ways in just one day,hour,minute lol So I’ve learnt to build me a antrolodge(sp) of different things that might work to help in the moment. I’m a very feeling person altho, sometimes I don’t know how to express my feelings in a way others will understand.

    Touch is good for me but whatever I’m touching has to be soft or cuddly for me to really feel it. I love hugs but the only person I know whom I’m always receptive to their hugs is my granddaughter. Because I always know she’s hugging me because she wants to not because she wants something.

    When I feel I really need to be grounded where I am in the moment I plant my feet on the floor and tell myself to ground to it feel it under me.

    My roses are growing I love to look at them. My daughter and I play a game every once in awhile. I call it a fun noticing, game. For the male readers I mean no offense but sometimes we check out the guys butts lol

    Music is another thing that moves me but the songs I listen to are according to my mood at the moment.

    I make sure I have on the perfume I feel like wearing each day because I enjoy the smell.

    I guess I need a mixture of things to bring all my senses and feelings together and experience them.

    I thank you so much for sharing some of your ideas. I feel we grow more as we share with each other.

  84.  #84Flipper on May 4, 2009 at 2:47 am

    TW – Thanks, I’m feeling okay this bright morning and frustrateded out about a recurring injury that meant I could only watch the folk dance I went to last night and not participate.

    About your question, the “just leave it alone” feels better, and “tell him goodbye” doesn’t feel honest – it doesn’t feel like anything you actually want. Granted, the first feels far harder and means an ongoing, challenging process, and I feel that’s what it’s all about on here, that’s the way that will actually lead to getting our needs more than met somehow (tho’ not necessarily with the face that’s currently on our goal).

    I hope you’ve felt some ‘Aha!’ moments gleaning through the posts. I often feel them, no matter what the supposed subject of the thread, especially in the posts by the other sirens – either for my own situation or for theirs, including you. They are such a mine – all kinds of things that validate my feelings and support my efforts come up in everyone’s stuff. I know it’s LOTS to take in – and maybe going through ALL the threads and posts could be a Tool for you: whenever you feel like leaning forward, reach for this blog rather than the phone and Read until you hit on something that hits a chord. I stop and actually practice the tool, or copy the passage into my personal ‘best ofs’.

    Also, something that’s been helping me when these insistant desires and memories about a particular person assail me. Before just flippantly throwing him on my horse to “get over” it quickly, I’ve started making (Allowing) myself to really feel all the anger, disdain, offense, let-down, peevishness, in short the ‘bad’ feelings that a buzz from a happy reminder or my longing and frustration are covering up.

    Until Modern Siren arrives to help, remember how it Feels when it’s you who tries to or makes contact. When I feel an urge to lean forward like this, I can feel myself swallowing around a lump in my chest and see my hand and arm actually pulling back, whether leaning forward would have involved a physical gesture or not. And now I know this is an important reaction to honor instead of overriding it by caving in to ‘doing’ the wrong thing to break the tension.

    Happy mining. <3

  85.  #85TW on May 4, 2009 at 7:53 am

    You are right… I am not ready to tell him goodbye any more than I am ready to give my car away… I have a beautiful sports car that I would never give up. Anyway, he just called and asked me to do something for him. I am not at work today so I can not help him but normally I would have found a way to make it work and help him out. Not today, he did not answer me all day yesterday and then had the nerve to call and ask me to do something for him… WTF is what I wanted to say. He didn’t even ask me how I was doing or anything. You know me well enough to know that I normally jump through hoops for that man and that is part of the problem. I am a doormat because I am afraid that he will leave me but he has not gone anywhere in 8 years. No matter who he has dated or who I have dated it has been the same deal. We always come back together but I can not understand why he tells me that he sees himself building a life with me but treats me like we just met yesterday sometimes. I need help Flipper because I am seeing another guy now and we dated before but the timing was all wrong. I have been completely honest with him about EVERYTHING though and told him that I did not want to hurt him. He has been spending a lot of time with me and I am loving it but I think that I am drawn to him for the attention and not so much the affection part of it. Is this wrong or is that what I am supposed to use the circular dating tool for?

  86.  #86Linmayu on May 4, 2009 at 10:01 am

    OK, I’m finally going to say something on topic for this post.

    The experience of my courtship with my husband is something that I’m holding out in front of me like a carrot on a stick to recreate. Yesterday I was out having an absolutely perfect afternoon with a new man, and nothing felt perfect to me. Everything reminded me of what WAS. And he kept saying, “We’re making new memories right now.” Which we were.

    I had my feelings all tied up in something weird. He took a couple pictures of me and I couldn’t smile a real smile because so much was swimming around up there. Like, yes, it is absolutely amazing that this new man wants to go to the same places as I want to go to. And it’s absolutely amazing that he wants to take pictures. And I couldn’t let my heart be in the moment with him because it was stuck on someone else–but not only that, I feel afraid of greater intimacy with the new man as well. He’s one of those “I’ve been burned once so I’m never getting married again” types. I seem to be attracting a host of men who want a perpetual live-in girlfriend, and I know I don’t want to be a perpetual live-in girlfriend.

    All these wounds from the past and worries for the future made it very hard for me to enjoy the NOW with this man. Because in truth, I can enjoy the NOW with him and not even think about whether he’d marry me. I can enjoy the NOW and leave him later. Part of me really wants to leave him now and save us both the pain later–but where’s the courage in that?

  87.  #87Mercedes on May 4, 2009 at 10:57 am

    Linmayu: I’m so glad you posted that! I remember when my bf and I split up and I decided circular dating was exactly what I needed to do. I was in the same situation. I compared absolutely EVERYONE to him and what the experience would have been like if he and I were there instead of this other man and me. It was so hard. I don’t think I ever really enjoyed a date to the fullest because of it.

    Maybe we were both looking to far into the future. Can we be with someone and not care whether or not they ever want to get married or be in a serious relationship as long as they know WE DO? Do we need to screen these guys for potential partners for life? We know we’re not moving in with them so…so we need them to be what we want? I don’t know…I just know that I wanted so desparately to have back what I had with him that I compared everything and everyone to us…and us that was no longer within my grasp…

    Anyway…thanks for saying what you said. I was right there with ya girl!

    Much Love,

  88.  #88Winks on May 4, 2009 at 4:38 pm

    A little update to my quandary over the man who won’t go out of his way for me.
    I stayed home this weekend rather than going to the country with my man friend, though he did ask me to go. I chose to stay home because I felt I had been Doing so much in regards to traveling and meeting him while he was never offering to pick me up or drop me off at home. While he was away he emailed to ask if he could see me Sunday night when he got back. I said yes, that I would be home. Sunday he wrote to ask if I could go to his place because he didn’t think he could make it out to my place….(whaa??)
    I replied that …doing all that running makes me uncomfortable and makes me feel like I am entering into a friends-with-benefits situation and that is what I don’t want. What do you think?…
    His reply didn’t really help me out much, he just said well I did ask you to hang out this weekend, remember.
    I said I do like hanging out and going to the country. But for me to go to his place tonight, knowing I will have to go back home tonight (because of my dog) feels oddly like a “service” visit and that makes me feel pretty bad. Unless you have something else in mind…
    His response: Now I understand. You would feel like you’re doing the walk of shame going home at night. I understand completely and I wouldn’t want you to feel that way.
    And he offered to come to my neighborhood after all.
    It seems he really just wasn’t thinking about it from my perspective, it wasn’t personal. But I felt SO much better having said how I felt and having him understand me and respond. I’m not saying it’s all resolved. But at least I have stated what I won’t tolerate and I feel better for now.

  89.  #89Daria on May 4, 2009 at 5:43 pm

    Yay Winks! Great Job persistantly expressing yourself in this uncomfortable feeling situation even when at first he didn’t seem to get it.

  90.  #90TW on May 4, 2009 at 5:54 pm


    What’s up my friend…. Anyway… Long story short I feel like my LI only takes interest in me when it benefits him in some sort of way meaning performing a task for him no matter what it is. I know when I seehis number on my phone it is not to say hello or howyou are doing but to ask me to do something or ask me a question pertaining to business. I am feeling more like a friend with benefits over life partner although he expressed he saw himself building a life with me. I want to tell him how I feel about it but do I contact him or what? Whta do you think and what do you think I should say.

  91.  #91Daria on May 4, 2009 at 6:41 pm

    Hey TW…

    your LI triggers me and reminds me of my old LI of six years (who after I have leaned back is still not calling me…although we used to see each other everyday…because I considered him my “best friend” and we had in common friends so naturally we would see each other… and is actually now having a baby with another woman).

    This sux. It took me years to realize he wasn’t stepping up for me and that my leaning forward was HURTING ME. Hurting my chances with HIM and hurting ME myself! especially. I had given him my heart so completely that I couldn’t imagine life without him… although he was clearly moving toward a life without me… well without me as his woman, and only his friend.

    I have now not seen him or heard from him really in months except for running into him accidentaly which I have since avoided. I AM HOWEVER starting to see a life for myself, and beginning to allow men to give to me, and allowing my heart to open to other men. I do still miss him and am wanting him to turn around and “come back to me.” I feel much stronger! and realized that the best friend way I was treating him before did NOTHING to make him fall in love with me. Quite the opposite. He loved me but was not stepping up. He also basically had me in the palm of his hand AND WAS WELL AWARE OF IT. And still he didn’t fall for me. Everyone else of course falls for me.

    I feel sad. I would lean way back and follow the Rori way all the way. Never contact him again. You seem addicted to contacting him (I know the feeling). I know you guys have stuff in common and contacts for work – this is similar to my situation where we had the same social circle so we would contact each other for logistic reasons.

    Lean back. Be strong. Don’t contact him for whatever reason. Write the power speech. What do you WANT in your life? (you may not know because it may seem taht all you want is him – that’s how I felt). Keep digging for what you WANT in a relationship. Express that using “a man” instead of “you.”

    Example: I want to be married to a man whose priority is to make me happy.

    Only ANSWER. Never INITIATE. Don’t answer BS (such as hello, I’m doing fine blah blah). I would go for the feeling messages. This is what I’m practicing for myself now. When I saw my old LI 3 weeks ago I was floored with overwhelm and all I could answer was “Good” to his question of how I am. Along with a murderous look.

    I would have liked to say “I feel furious” instead. Even though there were other people around. I have been BSing and making friend talk for years.

    I feel so sad because what I’m really saying is you may lose this man and you will gain yourself. But you won’t get the man without gaining yourself first. So either way I would say turn your back on him and move on to find yourself. Then you may feel surprised to find him chasing you… if it’s meant to be, if he has it in him. Most importantly, keep it real with him, even if it has to start out as tiny messages, like umm… im feeling angry. If he’s ASKING you.

    It took him telling me he’s having a baby with another woman (of course acting like he expects me to be happy although he probably knows I wouldn’t feel that way) for me to really lean back. Before that I was leaning back slowly but still showing up at our mutual friends house where of course I would run into him casually and he would act casual and we would be friends. Then when my worst fear (him having a baby) came true… well I guess that really made me realize that I had to lean back because leaning forward didn’t work.

    I feel kinda weird right now having said all this… I feel kind of upset. I feel bad.

  92.  #92TW on May 4, 2009 at 7:48 pm

    I am glad someone understands. I am seeing another guy right now and I enjoy his company a lot. This is really what I am feeling.

    I do not want to be with a man that treats me like I am a friend with benefits because I deserve so much more than that. I want to be with someone that respects me and loves me and gives to me as much as I give to him. I want to be with someone that makes me smile with the little things that he does instead of bring tears and dispair into my life. I feel unappreciated and unloved. I feel sad and confused. I feel like I am pulled in 100 different directions without anyone asking to do anything special for me. It is always TW can you do this or TW can you do that. I want to be catered to sometimes.

    He just called and asked me how was my son because he was sick today and then he asked me how I was but was talking to someone in the background and said he would call me back.

  93.  #93Cassandra on May 5, 2009 at 8:14 am

    Ann…I am so sorry that I am just now finally able to respond to your posts earlier. I feel so glad that I am not the only one that learns things the hard way although I am not happy that you have to go that route like I do. I felt as though maybe I am not alone. Thanks for sharing that.

    TW….I feel so sad that you are still dealing with the same stuff with him. I feel angry that he treats you this way and I feel that he is keeping you on the back burner so to speak. That feels icky to me. I feel that you deserve so much better.

    Linmayu….I totally related to your post about that man that you went out with. I have not gone out with anyone else I feel that I can’t bring myself to do so. I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in someone else. My Mom decided that she was going to ‘help’ me find a good husband so for fun she signed up on some Christian dating site on my behalf. At first I fetl mad because I know that I am not even close to being ready for that but then these last few days we have been on there together – over the phone because she is so far away and for a few moments it was fun in an entertaining way not in a possible meet someone new way. I felt guilty and told her that over and over but she keeps telling me that I am doign nothing wrong. I have no desire to get on the site at all unless we are on it together ‘playing’ around so to speak. I ahave no interest in anyone else and even though men have emailed me – I have NO interest at all. I don’t even answer them. Charles has been home since Thursday night and we have had a great weekend for the most part and he has acted as though nothing happened at all…..he is acting like he never even broke up with me and even made a comment that it didn’t happen. OMG I feel as though I am losing my mind. He even said that it did not happen!!! I feel as though I am living in two different but parallel worlds that are night and day…..he is loving, attentive and caring in one and harsh, abusive, unbelievably mean in the other. He says that he does not even remember saying all of those horrific things that he said to me last Sunday when I can still hear HIS voice saying them. I feel like I am going crazy and though the dating site was fun – only with my Mom though – for a day or 2 – I don’t want to be there. I don’t want anyone else. I don’t want to even entertain the idea of being with someone else. I am in love with Charles. period. I feel regret even being on that site with my Mom even though she means well. She has watched me be hurt by every man that I have dated and is only trying to help and I know that but I don’t want to be on there. Linmayu….how did you move on? How did you get to the point that you KNEW…really KNEW in your heart and in your head that it was over? Mercedes…I ask you this too. I feel like I am hanging onto something that isn’t there even though he says that he never broke up with me or never said the horrific things that he said to me. I feel like I am losing my mind. I am going to tell my Mom that I can’t be on that site anymore with her – it does not feel good to me.

  94.  #94Mercedes on May 5, 2009 at 9:54 am

    Oh Cassandra: I use my boundaries to decide whether I stay or go. If a man crosses those lines (I might forgive once, but I’m pretty clear about them so I don’t give much room for error here) I’m out. I’ve decided (wrote it all down) what I want/need from a man and from a relationship and for my life. I refuse to put up with less than that. I refuse to let a man make me feel bad about myself. That doesn’t mean my bf and I don’t have our share of problems sometimes…it just means that when it comes to the stuff that’s important to me (especially as far as how he treats me), I have strong boundaries. We still disagree sometimes but those things are small…the big stuff…well…I know what I need and I demand it (I’m not demanding ABOUT it, but I demand it in the sense that he knows what he needs to do to keep me in his life and he knows what he can do to make me walk away forever).

    Charles makes you feel like you’re going crazy? He’s telling YOU this conversation didn’t take place? He’s trying to convince YOU? YOU are the one that has been torn apart by this and he’s making YOU feel like YOU’RE going crazy? Maybe you should suggest to HIM that he can find the crazy one in the mirror. Please pay close attention to how he’s making you feel. I know you don’t want to spend your life feeling that way.

    Oh honey…I can’t stand to see you hurting but…I’m never going to be able to tell you that I think an abusive man is what’s best for you. I can’t tell you how to work on it because I don’t want you to work on it. I want so much for you to heal so you can move forward in a strong and independent manner. That manner doesn’t have to include a man (especially not right now) but I so much want you to keep packing…move out…and see if he changes when he has a whole lot less control over you.

    I feel so sad for you…I wish I could hug you and cry with you and then be there when you pick yourself up and move forward…

    Much Love,

  95.  #95Linmayu on May 5, 2009 at 11:30 am

    Cassandra, I never got to the point where I “knew” it was over. I don’t know whether it’s over or not even now. I did, however, get to the point where I was unwilling to take one more day of the situation as it stood.

    I wrote a whole long dissertation on this, but deleted it, because it was putting my ex and myself in a box, and hurting me. What I will say is that I don’t believe it’s over, now or ever–and yet, I do believe that it’s completely out of my hands. And what’s in my hands is getting my career on track and seeing other men–so I focus on that, and let God handle my ex.

  96.  #96TW on May 5, 2009 at 11:33 am

    That really makes sense. I need to do the same.

  97.  #97Cassandra on May 5, 2009 at 12:00 pm

    Mercedes and Linmayu….thanks ladies for your posts. Mercedes…I am not in anyway asking you or anyone to tell me that this situation is ok… is not in any way shape or form. There are times when he is loving, caring and affectionate and attentive but then there are times when….well you know how it is in those times as well. The problem here is not that I don’t want to move forward with my life….I desperately want to move forward with my life for ME and if he follows and treats me the way that I want, need and deserve then great…if not well then I move on but right now I have NO WHERE to go and NO income coming in. There are NO jobs here…period. Until I can get money coming in to support my needs I cannot go anywhere. I have spoken to a lady at a place that runs a shelter for DV victims and I am doing some counseling with her but there is no room there for another person and I would not leave the few belongings that I have left with him in his house. People can think whatever they want to about that but I gave up everything to come here for him and the few things that I have left that are mine I refuse to give up for anyone. They are all that I have left in this world and are sentimental to me. I am not a materialistic person at all but these things are special to me ie: family photos, scrapbooks, person items….stuff like that. I have a few pieces of furniture as well and I will not leave any of my stuff behind. If I do I may as well throw it in the trash can as I will never see it again. Everyone (I am not referring to anyone here) as in my friends think that it is just so easy to pack everything up and leave……and go where?? I HAVE NO WHERE TO GO!!!! I feel so angry right now that I could scream (not at you guys or anyone here BTW – just in general)!! I feel so humiliated and angry and hopeless right now. I know like I know that the sun rises in the east that I will never have what I want or need with Charles unless HE makes big changes in how he treats me but I also know that I cannot change my boundaries here. I can’t even grow here for the most part. I can make tiny non-existent changes but until I have a job/ business/ income of my own I can’t change anything here.

    When he does or says something that is hurtful, mean or demeaning I react so differently now. I simply say something like “Ouch….that really felt hurtful.” or “that really felt awful and icky to hear”. I have tried so hard to stick to the feeling messages and I think I am doing a pretty good job of that part. Most NORMAL men would respond with something like ‘Oh..honey I am sorry, I did not mean to hurt your feelings…this is what I meant by that’ or even a simple ‘I am sorry – I did not mean to hurt you.’ With him he does not even acknowledge that he has hurt me. He totally ignores that I even said a thing. I try to sink into the feelings of not mattering or that my feelings are completely unimportant to him and focus on how I am feeling in that moment and then try to focus on a thing that is around me….perhaps the kitchen countertop and how smooth and clean it is and I can feel my vibe change instantly and that part is great but he still never even acknowledges ME as a human being. Does anyone out there know how dehumanizing that is??? I am doing the best that I can but I have NO WHERE to go and no one in my life – again I am NOT talking about anyone here so please don’t misread that part – no one my life seems to get that. if I just leave then I am HOMELESS!! I am so tired of trying to explain that to my friends or people that comment on it. I HAVE NO WHERE TO GO and I am INFURIATED with myself for ever trusting him and for even thinking that ‘this is it’!! I feel so damn foolish and stupid becuase this is all MY FAULT!!! Mercedes….right now all I do uis pay close attention to how he makes me feel and most of the time I feel like hell! ….and then for a little while here and there he shows his ‘good side’ and I feel good again for a minute and then it goes around all over again. When he told me the other day that he did not break up with me I thought I was going to die inside. I just stood there with my jaw on the floor. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt what he said to me the Sunday before last…word for word. It is not ‘it’…meaning the relationship that I want to work on….it is me. I feel like Iam drowning and I have felt that way pretty much since coming here…no wonder I can’t breathe in real life! I don’t even know how to heal because with each step that I take forward in moving forward with my life……where exactly am I moving forward to? I have no where to go that is mine and no income. This area has one of the highest unemployment rates in the country and I know that I just have to keep looking and wait it out….I will find or create something for myself but that takes time. It is that meantime that I am stuck in this place in my life….I feel as though I cant move in any direction so how in the heck do I heal in this situation? I am soooooo desperate for ideas, suggestions or anything. This morning I could hardly even move physically. My hormones are part of that for today but that changes nothing. I so wish that you were here to hug me and cry with me Mercedes – although I don’t want to make you cry!! 🙂 XOXOXO. I just feel so isolated, so broken and so scared and hopeless right now and I don’t even know what my mext step for the next 5 minutes should be let alone tomorrow. Thank you for listening and for all that you have shared with me – words could never be enough to let you know how much you have helped.
    SO much love……

  98.  #98Mercedes on May 5, 2009 at 12:39 pm

    Cassandra: You wouldn’t be making me cry…I simply can’t let anyone cry alone so I tend to join them! 🙂

    I can feel your frustration with the situation. It’s so hard to feel stuck…do you have a friend you can stay with until you are able to get on your feet? Have you checked with a local church? What about your friend who is the life coach…does she have any connections with places you can stay until things get better?

    I hope you can find a place. And yes…I know what it’s like to be with a man who is so bad for me…yet those good times are so over the top good…

    It’s all hard and my heart goes out to you.

    Much Love,

  99.  #99Cassandra on May 5, 2009 at 1:59 pm

    Mercedes…I am the same way when it comes to crying! So I know what you mean! 🙂 I actually don’t have anyone that I can stay with. I have some health issues that are controlled but quite severe and I cannot just pick up and go anywhere because of the air quality and all of my friends have pets. I cannot be around animals at all. People tend to think ‘well….it would only be for a little while’ and I know that they do mean well but being around a dog, cat, bird..whatever even for a short period of time would land me in the hospital. Most people don’t understand that. Even my close friends who know about my health issues don’t get how serious that could be for me. I have not checked with a local church for those very same reasons…most people just don’t understand that and wold think that i just don’t want to go somewhere – that is not it at all. At least here I know that it is clean with no animals and the air filters are super strong so at least I know that I can breathe. I have to run…C just got home but I will write more later if I can otherwise tomorrow……love to you!!

  100.  #100Mercedes on May 5, 2009 at 3:04 pm

    Cassandra: Again…my heart goes out to you. Your situation is tough but I feel you are tougher and will find a solution.

    I hope you stay with the dating site. I know you don’t like it and you probably won’t stay on it, but it’s the perfect place to practice Rori’s tools. You can do all kinds of flirting online and never even have to meet any of these men if you dont feel comfortable with that. But…if you can chat online with a man who makes you smile, there’s nothing wrong with that and nothing you should feel guilty about. Remember, C ended your relationship…what about that says you can’t do a little innocent online flirting and getting to know people and making friends? I encourage it. It’s like circular dating from the comfort and safety of your own home.

    Much Love,

  101.  #101Flipper on May 5, 2009 at 4:08 pm

    “Appetite comes from eating” they say in French – you may not feel like doing it now (we’re all programmed to resist the new, even good stuff), but doing it will lead you to feel like it. After all, it IS playing – it’s about banter, lightening up, fooling around and laughing, at no cost and no strings attached. And all that is Great for healing us and making us feel motivated. Probably even helps with coming up with creative ideas to solve our problems.

  102.  #102TW on May 5, 2009 at 4:17 pm

    Hey Flipper… How are you doing? I am not doing so well today.

  103.  #103Linmayu on May 5, 2009 at 11:35 pm

    Cassandra, yes, I know how it feels to have my feeling messages completely and utterly ignored by a man. I know what it feels like to have him actually walk THROUGH my personal space like I’m not even there. It hurts, and makes me feel so murderously angry. And this was someone who once loved me, told me I was his favorite ever, married me without even thinking twice about it, used to kiss me and tell me he loved me several times a day.

    I’m continuing to pay little to no attention to him while praying to God for a change in the situation. The prayer I use has the lines, “Even if his words and actions are not of love, I refuse to be taken in by appearances. My focus is on faith in the Divine, not appearances that are not of love. For Divine Love is more powerful than any vibrations that are not of love.”

    I don’t know whether the outcome will actually change, but the praying itself feels amazingly good. And talking about it is making me see how much I try to build dams for the river–to prepare for disappointment. I say things all the time like “I don’t know whether the outcome will change” or “Of course I’m not going for any result with this particular man” because I want to be approved, I don’t want to sound desperate. I want to be approved more than I want to allow myself to have a molecule-sized grain of faith, apparently!

    Well, I know I’m not desperate. I’m fine on my own as everything stands right now–and I happen to strongly desire a certain change in my life, enough to throw my energy and focus at it.

    I also happen to believe (though often I feel the opposite) that God would not give me a desire to pray for something if He only planned to smash me into tiny little bits as a punishment for it. Humans do that, but not God. If I ask Him for an egg, He isn’t going to give me a scorpion.

    Taking this stand for my faith feels audacious and also frightening. It feels so out-of-the-lines; it feels like breaking the rules. I feel like as a member of American society, I’ve been allowed to have faith only in Murphy’s Law. For me to carry any belief in something GOOD feels like it would bring ridicule and ostracism.

    Bring it on.

  104.  #104Cassandra on May 6, 2009 at 7:06 am

    Linmayu…you are so strong and such an imspiration to me. I am totally agreement with you that GOD would not give you the prayer or the desires without the intent to answer the prayer and fulfill the desire. what I am learing however is that the answer is not always what I want it to be or even think it to be and the fulfillment is not always in the form that I wanted/want it to be in. That for me is a hard lesson to learn. I feel like 5 year old in this sense…I want what I want and I want it now. LOL Doesn’t work that way. Gosh do I wish that it did but I trust that GOD knows what is best for me even more than I do. I do want a specific outcome with Charles…..I want things to be the happily ever after that they were supposed to be but that is not reality. he has been home sine Thursday night and he has been fine….no meanness but I should not even have to think of when it will show itself again. You are so strong in YOU and in your faith and I can’t put into words how deeply I admire that… I admire you and how I cheer on the sidelines for you to have everybeautiful thing in this life that you wish for. You are sooooooo on your way to having it all by simply being YOU! I feel as though I have lost ME…there are glimmers of me here and there but for the most part I have lost myself in trying to survive emotionally. I don’t want to have to survive anymore….I want to thrive and be the ME that I was before I came here…..who I REALLY am…just like you are doing. I feel so much pride for you right now and I feel such excitement wehen I get to read your posts because i feel as though I am getting to watch the most beautiful butterfly ever finally get to fly and it makes me feel that if you can do it…dealing with everything that you dealt with for so long….then so can I. I send you so much love and many hugs Linmayu and thank you for allowing me to see your ups and downs and know that I am not going crazy. LOL 🙂 XOXOXO

    I have not gotten off of the dating site but am not there very much at all…..only with my mom on the other end of the phone and we mostly have girl time giggling at this or that. I have gotten smiley faces and emails a few beautiful cards and yes…they did make me smile if even for a moment. I think I am doing this more for my Mom as she is having so much fun and I solove that time with here even over the phone – she is so far away from me and I miss her so deeply – I am enjoying that time with her. I have spoken with one gentleman on the phone – he asked me to call him so I did….it was fine but I don’t feel good about that at all. I did however get to use a tool and I felt so good about that….realy good about that. he asked me if after my divorce 15 years ago if I have been sexually active and my response was this….”I don’t feel comfortable at all duscussing that kind of thing with you can we talk about something else?” His response was about a million “I’m so sorry’s’ and he kept telling me over anad over that he felt bad that he made me feel uncomfortable. I felt irritated with himbut proud of myself for saying how I TRULY felt and sticking with that no matter how he felt or what he said or how he reacted. I feel proud of that so I guess if I got to do that and feel how good it felt to finally be true to me then..yes….I suppose it is worth it. As far as talking again…..I don’t want to talk to him again or anyone else for that matter…not right now. My Mom just wants me to be happy and treated right and I am enjoying OUR TIME ‘playing’ on the site. Even if I don’t feel comfortable talking with anyone again. Maybe subconsciously this is helping me to heal…I don’t know but if so…I will take it.

    Love to you all….

  105.  #105Linmayu on May 6, 2009 at 8:23 am

    You know what, Cassandra, I feel that perhaps God gave me that desire so that I would come closer to HIM–not to my husband. And it’s worked thus far.

    The biggest test of one’s spirituality is the good times, not the bad times. It’s easy to seek God when we’ve hit rock bottom, and easy to forget Her when we’re on top of the world. This is my second time on that lesson–the last time there was definitely a sense of “ok, now I’m married and have everything I want, so no need to follow this bothersome religion anymore”–so let’s hope that this time, I can remain in relationship with the Divine even if something wonderful happens to me here on earth.

  106.  #106Ann on May 6, 2009 at 6:02 pm

    Cassandra I hope you will continue to go to the dating site with your mom. I feel it’s a good thing for you to do. You get a chance to practice the tools and have fun with your mom while doing it. And build your self esteem up.

    I’m glad(and sorry at the same time) to hear that I’m not the only one whose feeling messages aren’t always heard.

  107.  #107Ann on May 6, 2009 at 7:09 pm

    I feel the words “I feel” are a trigger for me. However they are a good trigger. Before I can use the words “I feel” I have to experience the feeling to know what I feel. I think “I feel” teaches me to be more authenic, to speak my truth from my heart. And I’m learning a man “hears” authenticity. Altho, he might not respond to “my truth” the way I’d like him to.

    I said above men don’t always hear feeling messages but then I had a aha moment.

    The other day I was texting with my son. I was feeling down and told him “I felt useless because I wasn’t working and couldn’t just work any where” he responded by saying “I wasn’t useless I was standing by his dad right now which was what he needed.” I said ” I know but I still feel that way” he said nothing else. I told my daughter later I knew how to get her brother to be quite just share my feelings. But after taking time to look at the message here I don’t believe that. He heard me, he responded but then being a man he couldn’t deal with my feelings at the time because he didn’t know how to fix it.

    One night last week I was having a conversation with a good male friend of ours. He’s in a postion of authority and has some pull. He started asking me questions about couldn’t I work here or there doing this or that. I started to feel bad because I knew I couldn’t do the work he was suggesting. I became very quite and just looked at him while he talked. After a few minutes he said “WHOA you’ve become quite on me, I’ll back off and mine my own business but if you need my help let me know.” I said “thank you.” I spoke to him from my heart but with body language.

    I’m beginning to believe men hear our feeling messages, when we use the words I feel or our body language as long as we’re truly feeling what we feel. However with that being said I also believe they don’t always react the way we’d like them to. Guess that’s where “be surprised” comes from I’m actually surprise I am feeling my feelings and speaking my truth or surprised by the man’s reaction. I’m also beginning to believe when they withdraw when I’m sharing my feeling he’s still hearing, he’s just not responding the way I’d like. Same thing with angry responses.

    What do you ladies think?

  108.  #108Daria on May 6, 2009 at 11:32 pm

    Oh my GOD Ann you are so right on!

    Plenty of times when I share a feeling that is not good, I get quietness from a man… and often after that he may return with something that feels good.

    It’s true he doesn’t know how to respond but still hears you. I definitely think that was what was happening with your son.

    When we feel down and they HEAR it and FEEL it and they will either try to fix it or if they think they can’t feel so bad that they get quiet (or attack).

    Then that also must work that when we feel good they Hear that and Feel it and they must feel beamingly happy and safe.

    They don’t know how to “deal” with feelings as well, so when they see us feeling bad yet embracing that and transitioning to feeling better that must feel really SAFE to them, because look we are able to deal with the bad feeling.

    I think “being surprised” also helps us lean back our vibe and actually invites maybe more chances that they won’t feel overwhelmed and helpless and will actually attempt to make us feel better.

  109.  #109Flipper on May 7, 2009 at 4:12 am

    Thank you Ann and Daria – you’re insights feel so profound and true. You have given us precious KEYS that will help us gauge the effect(iveness) of approaching life through our feelings, and comfort us in this choice no matter how disappointing or confusing the immediate response may appear to be. As Ann said, that ‘feel’ word is such a good trigger – I finally ‘got it’ that I actually have to say or think it first, and then the feeling will come towards meet me as I’m searching for it. I feel happy-teary joy all through my face. Thank you thank you thank you.

  110.  #110Tracy on May 7, 2009 at 9:01 am

    well i guess this would be a nice place to post my feelings…
    My best friend’s boyfriend just called me and wants me to help him choose a ring for my friend…..I feel happy for her and i agreed to make plans to meet with him.It would be nice to get something beautiful for her…
    But i feel sad for me,and when he was asking me to meet up with him i felt fear inside of me and i felt sadness wash all over me….i guess with most of my friends settling down i feel scared that time is running out for me and i feel bad that i am only getting started with being honest with my own feelings.I feel left behind,and it feels like i am loosing out on something out there….
    Yes i feel all these inside of me…..the sadness the fear…i feel worried that i may never experience this great relationship my friends seem to have discovered and have a wonderful family and great children.
    I feel much better now that i’ ve written it down….

  111.  #111Tracy on May 7, 2009 at 9:11 am

    I feel that i have longed to acquire something based on the fact that my friends had them and not because i really wanted it…..I realize that i feel sad because i long to be like everyone else…i judge my happiness based on that…Being like everyone else….I do wonder though…what is it i really want….i feel confused about this…I feel that i am starting to get to know myself…i feel confused about what i really want…..I feel that unless i can understand myself,my needs first then i cannot fully embrace the needs of someone else…I feel scared i am uncovering so much about myself…confusion,pain,sadness….
    I feel unsure of where all this is leading to….

  112.  #112Linmayu on May 7, 2009 at 9:24 am

    Tracy, I want to hug you. And I feel triggered too, like I’ve wasted all the most powerful years of my life with a man and gotten nothing in return–and I feel angry and hopeless.

    I can’t imagine how it must feel to have a friend’s boyfriend ask you to help him pick out her ring. I don’t have any friends that close; I don’t even meet my friends’ boyfriends until they’re engaged or in some cases after they’re married. Now I feel lonely and withdrawn, socially inferior, and very sad.

  113.  #113Tracy on May 7, 2009 at 9:48 am

    Thanks for responding.Well i feel happy for her because she’s really excited about settling down and i feel happy that she has a great Guy and trust me she does lean back like you won’t believe…..for her it comes naturally and she is a last born so i guess it does come natually lol…
    I felt sad because i see how wonderful her relationship is i guess i feel incapable of attaining one just like that…I feel i have such a long way to go….and i feel scared i might give up…I don’t want to give up.I want to love and cherish me and grow more and more in the experience of being true to myself….But i do feel the fear…its really strong…..
    I felt so triggered by the whole incidence…..i felt that it opened a part of me i wasn’t willing to embrace….the part of me that feels unsure and scared of being myself and standing alone as an individual..the part of me that feels scared of being happy for what i am no matter how different…the part of me that fights to accept myself for who i am…
    I Still don’t understand why but i feel it difficult to stand alone…just be me….i feel myself always wanting hide behind others and feeling more comfortable when i am like everyone else..I feel though that maybe i am just different…that my path is just mine….and maybe i have been looking in the wrong direction…

  114.  #114Linmayu on May 7, 2009 at 10:55 am

    Those darn youngest children. They never have to stop leaning back and just being cherished by everyone. Whereas I remember feeling somehow discarded, replaced, abandoned and no longer cared for every time my mom had another child. She’d say things like “now you’ll have a little sister to play with” but the reality is that newborns not only don’t want to play with you, but they require all Mom’s attention too–so I felt ignored all around. Then she’d take us out to the park or the store and all the strangers would coo at the cute babies and ignore me. It felt awful and made me feel pretty sure I was ugly–and damned if it didn’t make me lean forward aggressively and try to get attention ALL THE TIME.

    I even felt that way when my brother was born and I was 16–totally old enough to know better.

  115.  #115Ann on May 7, 2009 at 6:52 pm

    Flipper your welcome. I’m doing some feeling tonight for sure.

    We got DH surgery date today. It’s Tues. May 12 our daughters 30th birthday. He has to go Monday for some prep work. He could of done it tomorrow if they had let us know in time to have a vehicle borrowed. I feel a bit anxious about this. It’s like we went from point A to point C skipping B in between. The dr had said when we were in his office April 20th that he was going to do some out patient test first. Going to try to find out more information tomorrow.

  116.  #116Flipper on May 8, 2009 at 3:18 am

    I’ll be doing some feeling with you, Ann, and keeping you and your family in my prayers. Hugs.

  117.  #117Robin on May 8, 2009 at 8:29 am

    I ‘m feeling very triggered. This week 2 years ago was a truning point in the’relationship’ with the last guy I was involved with. Today is his birthday

    I’m feeling so many memories rush back to me, and I can feel the nasty voices trying to beat me up, I’m having a hard time with them right now…

    I’m eating a cookie with some coffee right now. I feel like I’m taking care of myself, I’m watching the trees blow in the wind outside my window and observing the sunlight, it gorgeous out there…I’m feeling more relaxed, but I still feel sad…guilty a little….

    I’m not the same person I was 2 years ago, 1 year ago, even 3 months ago…I don’t take crumbs any more..I did this longer than I care to admit, especially with this guy….

    I’m gonna try loving on this sad feeling for a while…I feel sad now…I can feel myself stuck in my past………

  118.  #118Robin on May 8, 2009 at 10:19 am

    Ok, Im going for my inner Diva, and Im gonnas say “Yay I feel triggered, I feel really awful, and what an awsome opportunity to practice Rori’s tools and riff myself to a better feeling..

    I’ve been working with the nasty voice and giving him a cookie, and I’ve noticed I feel like I have Several voices, 2 little gremlins, one who’s harmless, one who’s really scary, two really tall men, one used to scare me and now I feel protection from him, the other one just recently showed up and he’s also a little scary, and 2 girls, one who’s young, about 7 or 8 who’s very timid and shy and one who’s about 10 or 11 who’s bratty. I have to put them all in the boat and send them off….its so interesting, each one has just showed up one by one as I’ve practiced over the last few months….

  119.  #119Daria on May 8, 2009 at 10:36 am

    OMG Robin… that is so interesting how you can tell them all apart… and I feel inspired… I was afraid to make them so vivid because I was worried it might make me crazy (in a borderline split personality way) and now I totally see that with your experience and AG’s (who I miss a lot!!!) that this is not the case.

    Noticing each one and giving them a body or personality seems fun and exciting! yay!

  120.  #120Robin on May 8, 2009 at 11:50 am

    Thank you Daria! Yeah I was gonna post again and say Hope I don’t sound crazy lol, but I feel relieved to hear that I’m not alone on that!

    It so funny, its like a little family is emerging as I practice it…as a new person/creature emerges, I’m like ‘wow, how many are there??”

    Its kinda amusing, fun and exciting, yes, definitely

  121.  #121Cassandra on May 8, 2009 at 12:45 pm

    Ann…..I apologize tha i have not been able to be here more but I did want to share something with that you I have experienced with all of that health stuff moving so so very quickly. I know that can seem WAAAAAy too fast and it can feel overwhe,ming but i have also had that happen to me although I was the one having the surgery. At those moments I did indeed feel that things were moving so fast that i could not even really get an understanding of what was happening but now looking back I am so thankful that it happened that way. This way even though it totally feels scary you are not really given the time to ‘think’ about it even….you just have to ‘move on it’ and in some ways this can be a good thing in that youdon’t have the time so sit there and mull it over in your head….worry about… it thru over and over etc. It is happening fast but I know that for me at least – looking back on it -I am glad that did not have chance to ‘think it all thru’. My prayers are with you and your family and I firmly do believe that all will come out well for you and for him!! XOXOXOXO

    Robin…I loved what you shared with us about your nasty voices although I think it is so cool that theyare not all NASTY…some of them are actually protecting you and even directing you to take care of you. I think that is so cool. It is even ‘cooler’ (how is that for a new Siren word??!! hee hee) that you can so clearly recognize each of them and what their purpose is. I am with Daria on that….yay for you!! 🙂

  122.  #122Ann on May 8, 2009 at 7:16 pm

    Flipper and Cassandra thank you for your prayers and hugs. Cassandra I’ve been doing my best not to think about it too much. I’m having to step up in the masculine role some tho because there are certain things I’m having to get together. I don’t like being put in this role but you do what you have to.

    I sometimes don’t feel right talking about this situation here on a relationship blog but then I say to myself practice what you say. I always say I believe Rori’s tools are for all the relationships in our life’s. So when I’m talking about what’s going on and how I feel here I’m practicing being more authenic and trusting.

    Robin thank you so much for sharing about your different parts. I often talk to my child within but I don’t tell people that I don’t want to see the strange looks. My mischievous teenage self is still very much a part of me too. It feels GREAT to read your’s and Daria conversation.

  123.  #123Cassandra on May 11, 2009 at 2:04 pm

    I am not sure what to do about a situation that has presented itself. As you know from a previous post, my Mom opened up an account on a Christian Dating site for me. I have not been comfortable going on there at all but I have been on there a few times with her at her house and each of us on our own computers mostly just giggling and having fun. I have felt that I am doing something wrong because I am still here in Charles home and he is now telling me that he never broke up with me. In any case, there is a gentleman that has been emailing me and we have talked a few times over the phone. The only reason that I ever agreed to talk to him was to practice Rori’s tools and work on ME. Well, he has now asked me to have dinner with him and in conversation has told me that he thinks that I am amazing. My first reponse – not to him but in my head – is ‘yeah…..whatever!’. I am not sure what to do. Do I go to dinner….do I politely say no? I don’t know what to do. He is quite handsome and is a Pastor. I do feel like I would be doing something wrong but Rori says that it does feel that way until you get used to focusing on YOU. I really don’t know what to do here. part of me feels like I should go just to get practice in person with someone but the other part is like ….HELL NO!!! We have had some really great conversations but then again so did Charles and I when we first dated. I feel confused and overwhelmed and now after writing this…I don’t feel like going.

  124.  #124Cassandra on May 11, 2009 at 2:11 pm


  125.  #125Rori Raye on May 11, 2009 at 2:19 pm

    Oh, my goodness, Cassandra – This is a terrific situation to practice in – and yet, if you have agreement with Charles, you can’t break it. This is going to be all about the Truth for you…and freeing yourself from Charles enough to be able to date someone else. This man is not someone you meet in a coffee shop by chance and have a conversation with…that’s Circular Dating if you’re involved with a man…this is an actual “date.” Unless you can shift your agreement with Charles so that you can “date” without guilt or weirdness (except for the “living together” part – tell the Pastor the truth, and say if anything changes, you’d feel great getting to know him.

  126.  #126TW on May 11, 2009 at 2:20 pm

    PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER… RIGHT NOW… You are supposed to circular date remember. The man is a postor what in the world can he do to you…Nothing… I think it is okay if you hang out with peopl ejust as long as you are comfortable with what you are feeling. You also can not compare your experience with Charles to a person you have never been out with or met for that matter. He is a totally different person and could be the person that is going to get you back into the CHURCH where you want to be. He could end up being a really good friend to you. Please open yourself to happiness my love.

  127.  #127Mercedes on May 11, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    Cassandra: I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong at all. There’s nothing wrong with having male friends. There’s nothing wrong with dinner. As long as you are true to yourself and honest, you’re doing nothing wrong.

    I hope you go. I hope you go and visit and have a wonderful time. It doesn’t matter the outcome. I want you to enjoy an evening out and it looks like someone is offering you that on a silver platter.

    I don’t know if you remember, but one of the first things I posted on this blog was about a time when my bf was pulling away BIG TIME. I signed up for a class. A man became a friend of mine. He asked me out for coffee. I was clear with him about being in a relationship and not wanting anything other than friendship with anyone else. He understood and we had coffee. I told my bf where I was going. I told him that I was going with a man and that it wasn’t a “date” but it was two friends getting together. When he asked, I told him he couldn’t join us. He was a totally different man when I got back to his house. I enjoyed my evening. I enjoyed this man’s company. I had FUN…I laughed…I talked and listened. It was wonderful…and I wasn’t doing anything wrong. All I was doing was putting myself in a situation where I could laugh and be happy. I wasn’t happy at my bf’s house where he was all pulled away inside of himself. I was happy having coffee and laughing. When my bf realized I could be happy while having coffee with another man…I think it scared the bujeezus out of him. My “degree of difficulty” went through the roof and he stepped up…because when we circular date, Mr Right steps up.

    So…again…I don’t feel like there’s anything wrong with dinner and laughing and good conversation and happiness. None of that sounds like “wrong” to me…

    Much Love,

  128.  #128TW on May 11, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    Mercedes is right… You have to be up front with EVERYONE including Charles and yourself but you still have to do what is right for you. Find your comfortable balance… I am going to therapy right now because I can not find my comfortable balance with anything else in my life. My therapist has opened so many aspects of my life with only one visit. I may invite my LI to go along because I think he may need to hear some of the things that I discuss there because the way that I have been acting with him stems from someone else in my past and maybe he will understand more of the way that I feel and why and to know that it is not totally him. What do you guys think?

  129.  #129Mercedes on May 11, 2009 at 4:56 pm

    TW: I say go ahead and ask him…but I hope you’re not disappointed or surprised if he says no. I asked my ex-husband for YEARS to go to counseling with me. The answer was no. By the time he wanted to go (because he had lost me) it was too late and it did nothing for us.

    I hope he goes and I hope you are able to get what you need as a couple from it. My experience is not what happens to everyone and I hope it doesn’t happen to you. That being said, I think therapy is a wonderful thing. I think on some levels we all need it. It’s like a friend who has been trained to give us the right answers…not just the answers we’re hoping to get. That’s why it can be so hard but so worth it. Rare to see a counselor tell us only what we want to hear, so if we’re willing to hear what we don’t want to hear and face what we don’t want to face, it can do wonders.

    I wish you all the best!

    Much Love,

  130.  #130TW on May 11, 2009 at 5:04 pm

    I only want him to come to one session so I can figure out whether my problems with him are stemming from problems I had with my father or if my problems are actually with him. My father and I are not the best of friends and I felt abandoned by him and I think it plays a part in my emotional relationships. I hope he will come but I can not make him if he doesn’t want to. He has been calling me more to check on me and things so that is a plus and a step int he right direction.

  131.  #131Mercedes on May 12, 2009 at 7:01 am

    TW: I think your attitude about it is perfect and my situation was a lot different. When you say “I hope he will come but I can not make him if he doesn’t want to” is so right on the mark!

    Much Love,

  132.  #132TW on May 12, 2009 at 7:14 am

    You really have to be open to therapy and not everyone is that open to share themselves with someone they do not know. Anyway, it seems that he is doing a lot better lately and that he is using “we” in sentences verses the normal me or I. He has been calling me every day and checking on me and stuff since I have been off work. I am thinking about the long run though. I wonder if he really does see himself with me in the future. He told me that he saw himself building a life with me but that he was not ready to get married. I understood and told him that I was not pressuring him into marriage considering I already had a bad marriage under my belt. I do not know what to do though.

  133.  #133Flipper on May 12, 2009 at 7:23 am

    TW, While I feel couples and family counseling is a marvelously useful thing, and my own sessions with a therapist are a godsend, your proposition to ask your LI to participate at this stage sounds a little odd to me . Normally, all the answers you need are within you – that’s what your work with the therapist is all about discovering. Have you asked them about this idea? They would have to be fully in agreement for it to work, and if so, would doubtless have suggestions about how to broach it to him in a way likely to be accepted. Because even in committed relationships, it’s rather common for partners to refuse to participate. You of course feel the need and believe in the benefits for yourself and the relationship, but unless they’ve been on a similar inner path, significant others often have a whole other take and feel a lot of resistance. It’s hard enough baring one’s soul to a stranger when you want to and have been preparing yourself for it, to do it at someone else’s suggestion in front of 2 other people, one of whom is close, is a whole ‘nother can of worms.

    Ideally, I feel such a trialogue would be wonderful, and I wish you success, but I don’t want you to feel too disappointed or discouraged if it doesn’t pan out. Ideally but realistically, too, I know that your individual self, like myself, are enough.

  134.  #134TW on May 12, 2009 at 7:28 am

    I am not ready to bring him into my session just yet but through one of my sessions I think I began to uncover some issues with him that have been bothering me for some time but they have nothing to do with them. Through questions the therapist asked I can tell that my resistance and disappointment in the things he does sometimes may stem from a childhood situation that I have yet to deal with. I think once I really talk about and deal with that then maybe it will help him to hear where I am coming from in the whole situation and understand a little better why I get so over emotional about certain things. I would not be disappointed if he did not want to go though. Only if he is open to attend one session with me then he can come but if he does not want to then I can not make him because it is uncomfortable for some people and I am not sure that he will be okay with it.

  135.  #135Cassandra on May 12, 2009 at 5:36 pm

    Rori….thank you so much for your input – that really means a great deal to me that you responded to my post. Thank you. 🙂 I still do feel that I am doing something wrong…..BUT Charles did break up with me a few weeks ago. He then came back and said that he never broke up with me but I know what I heard. When he said that he never did break up with me I simply did not respond to that at all….I said nothing and went and did something else to take care of me and make ME feel better. The other night he made a comment about me being HIS ‘little woman’ which is one of the ‘special’ names that he has called me since day one. I felt confused by that after all that he has done. Honestly I don’t know if we have an agreement or not and maybe this is why I feel as though Ia m doing something wrong. The other night I was talking with a girlfriend about all of this and I was telling her how guilty I felt and as I was explaining that I feel guilty but I also feel torn about all of this she reminded me of all of the horrible things that he has done and said to me over this last year……the dating websites after bringing me here…the affair website…the porn…the swingers site and let’s not forget the verbal threatening of my very life. When she went down the list I began to cry… hit me at that moment that I have been in such a HUGE HUGE state of denial and it hurt me to the core that he has done all of these things to me yet here I feel guilty about a dinner??? I can remember thinking to myself…’what the hell are you thinking?!’ When someone else went down the list of all that Charles has done that has broken me spirit down and hurt me so deeply…it really hit home. I am thankful that I see that now but I can’t just turn off a switch and thereby turn off my feelings for him. The Pastor has called me every single day since we first talked and says things to me that NO MAN…again I say that….NO MAN has ever said to me! Today he called and I was tied up so when I called him back I asked him if I caught him at a bad time as it was in the middle of the day – I always ask that when I call someone just in case they are involved in something and talk at that moment – anyway….do you know what his response was? He told me that I could never call at a bad time because I am more important than anything that he could be working on. Now that could be a total line and I am soooo aware of that but no man has ever said that to me…ever. When I get off of the phone with him I feel closer to the Lord…i feel as though my spirit has been lifted and I feel so wonderful. I ampaying VERY close attention to how I feel when i talk to him rather than being concerned with how I come across and that in itself feels so good. I have decided to meet him for dinner and we are meeting tomorrow night at 6:30pm-ish. Ladies please keep me in your prayers. I am so scared of this. Not in the way that he would hurt me or anything like that but I am so scared that I am doing something wrong and I don’t want to do anything that I would not want done to me. I don’t honestly know if Charles and I have an agreement – if we do I am in the dark about it that is for sure. He has never laid that out clearly and told me that we are indeed still a couple and HE was the one to break up with me and then say that he never did..never once asking me what I wanted or how I felt about things…..not even once asking if I was ok. I am going to dinner ladies. Part of me is excited and part of me is terrified. The pastor and I have talked pretty much every day now since we first spoke and every conversation has been wonderful and Ihave gotten off of the phone feeling lifted up and edified in more ways than one. He even asked me where have I been these last few years and said that he has been waiting for me – that part TOOOOOOTALLY scares me as I am SOOOOOO not ready for anything like that. I am going to dinner to work on the tools and work on staying focused on how I feel around this man rather than how I am coming across and work on being truly ME….truly and authentically ME. I have been very aware in our conversations to do just that and it feels so good. After sharing some pretty deep stuff with me, he has asked me how I feel and I told him that I feel more reserved than he is in saying how I feel about anything at this point and feel that I am not ready to share more than I already have at that moment. His response was beyond shocking to me. I expected that he would be kind of put off that I did not share my emotions/ feelings more with him but his response was so positive and accepting and compassionate that it totally caught me off guard….in a good way. 🙂 I am learning so much even just in these phone conversations. He has also asked me to be a part of a Worship conference that he is planning whicih I was so flattered by but I told him that I would have to #1 pray about it and #2 see how I feel about it as more of the plans are put into place. It felt great to stay true to me….I feel so proud of that moment and my response. I feel more and more like ME again these last few days and I have also noticed a HUGE change in Charles as well! I think that out of all of this …..that has shocked me the most. I have no idea what the outcome of any of this will be but for the first time in my life I really don’t even care I feel proud that I am truly staying in the moment and enjoying every little thing in that moment and not thinking about the outcome or even about the next moment which for me is beyond HUGE. For the first time in a very long time I feel a sense of excitement in my life and a sense of hope which went away many months ago. Perhaps my Mom knew exactly what she was doing when she signed up for that site. I also feel good that I am feeling closer to the Lord again than I have in a very long time and that in itself is wonderful.

    Mercedes and TW….thank you also for your wonderful input!! You guys mean so much to me and I so value your input and experience.

    TW…..I am so so happy to hear from you again. i have missed you more than you could know. I feel so happy that you are in therapy and working thru some of the stuff that you are dealing with. As far as you asking your LI to come to a session with you – that is definitely something that I would do too. I have asked C to go but he said that he has no problems to deal with. I think that your awareness that he may say no and you being ok with that is wonderful. You never know….he very well say yes. I feel so proud of you for facing the issues that are bothering you and I feel so proud of you for taking action to fix them. I feel like hugging you and please know that as always…I am cheering you on in every way!! I love you girl and have really missed you!!

    Love and hugs to all…..

  136.  #136Cassandra on May 12, 2009 at 5:44 pm

    Oh…..btw…I forgot to mention that I did tell the pastor the entire story… arrangements and all and his response blew me away. He said that he felt horrible that I had gone thru all of that…that NO ONE has the right to treat someone so precious that way or anyone else for that matter and that none of that matters to him because he knows that I did not create this situation. Of course C and I are NOT sleeping together and have not for many many months although that has made me feel so unwanted and so undesirable but is also probably the best thing for me because my heart definitely gets more involved then. The pastor told me that none of that matters to him as that is the past and the living arrangements are temporary. That made me feel a little better too. I feel scared and still kind of guilty. I keep trying to remind myself of all that C has said and done to hurt me and that HE broke up with me and even thoug he said that he never did that he never did clarify where we are or even if ‘we’ are. Do you guys still think this is ok? Now I feel afraid….of what? I don’t know.

  137.  #137TW on May 12, 2009 at 6:01 pm

    I have missed you so much as well. I hate what you are going through with Charles but I am glad that you are taking a stand for yourself. It means so much to me to hear that someone is treating you nicely. I think your fear is that if Charles found out that he would put you out or something like that. You need to really worry about you and how you are feeling and why you are feeling that way. I know going out with someone new is scary but you were up front and honest with him about your situation and he seems to be fine with it but I think yoru anxiety comes from you not being honest with Charles about seeing other men. I can not tell you what to do about that part because that is totally up to you but I really do hope that you enjoy your dinner tomorrow night. I think the pastor is going to be a great person for you to get to know even if it does not move forward.

    As far as me and my LI go, I will give you a quick update. He has started calling me more and attempting to talk to me on a level like before. I bought a gift for his daughter and she really liked it and she told me thank you tonight. He used the word “us” in a sentence today. I am not totally happy with his actions but it is a start and maybe a start in the right direction. He is more attentive to me but does not spend time with me like he should. I think he may do better but again it is one day at a time. I have missed you so very much and you have been in my thoughts and you will be in my prayers.

    Your sister in Christ,

  138.  #138Robin on May 13, 2009 at 8:34 am

    Cassandra, I feel so inspired-I feel happy for you-I want to say that I would not feel guilty about going out with the pastor-I seem to remember Rori saying that a man has no right to assume you are exclusive with him unless he’s claimed you-and that you don’t even have to mention it unless he asks-I have felt scared in the past-but looking back I see that fear was b/c of how much the man WANTED to LOVE ME, ie fear of intimacy-may be worthwhile to examine that..

    Im feeling sadness concerning my ‘ex’, how he wants to be ‘friends’, how he said he had been thinking of a relationship with me, but he thought we would break each others’ hearts, how it slowly moved toward a fwb situation, how I stopped the fwb cycle( it was turning into that…), how I have to watch him date other women (he brings them to church, where we work), all the good and bad feelings, how much stronger I am, how I can stand up to him about ANYTHING now, how he’s losing me….it feels scary and sad, and yet it also feels empowering and relaxing.

  139.  #139Robin on May 13, 2009 at 8:34 am

    Cassandra, I feel so inspired-I feel happy for you-I want to say that I would not feel guilty about going out with the pastor-I seem to remember Rori saying that a man has no right to assume you are exclusive with him unless he’s claimed you-and that you don’t even have to mention it unless he asks-I have felt scared in the past-but looking back I see that fear was b/c of how much the man WANTED to LOVE ME, ie fear of intimacy-may be worthwhile to examine that..

  140.  #140Mercedes on May 13, 2009 at 8:49 am

    Cassandra: You doing okay today? You’re in my thoughts. I hope you make yourself as beautiful and shining as you can. I hope you smile. I hope you laugh. I hope you feel comfortable before the night is through and most of all, I hope you have an amazing experience.


    Much Love,

  141.  #141Cassandra on May 13, 2009 at 10:34 am

    Thanks ladies! I so appreciate the support. I am getting more and more nervous as the day wears on. The pastor has called a couple of times but we keep missing one another – not on purpose though. I know that we will talk before dinner as we have not yet firmed up where we are meeting….just the time is firmed up. I really am so scared of this. The pastor says such nice things to me consistently and it makes me feel wonderful but I know that they are only words. it does make me feel good though. And then there is Charles…he has been wonderful this week for some reason and I have no clue what is up with him. it is really confusing for me because he has been loving, attentive, affectionate and all of that stuff and even yesterday when he snapped at me he later apologized and gave me a kiss. I don’t ever remember him doing that. I am still going tonight but I feel so nervous and my head is filled with all of these what if’s meaning what if he wants to see me again or what if he says that he doesn’t even want to talk to anyone else anymore – he kind of alluded to that the other day and it scares me to death and I told him that. I am going to try to go and have fun and that is that. I hope that I can do that.

    Mercedes…thank you so much for your loving post. That really meant alot to me…thank you. I will try to post here later on after dinner to let you know how it all went…if I can. You are a blessing Mercedes…thank you for being YOU!! XOXOXOX

    Love and hugs to all…..

  142.  #142Ann on May 13, 2009 at 4:36 pm

    Hello ladies I wanted to give everyone a update on my hubby’s surgery yesterday.

    Dh came through surgery just fine. He will spent at least 6 days in the hospital recovering from the surgery.

    HOWEVER the benign(sp) tumor the dr went in to remove is STILL there. And bascically the dr. is going to consult with other dr. in hopes of finding a way to treat it. My DH has a rare tumor that there have only been 3-4 other cases of. The way the dr. talked it was too dangerous to try to remove and he was NOT expecting to find that when he went in. The operation to remove it would take 6-7 hours and I don’t know what all it would require but he only wants to do that as a last resort. Thankfully the tumor isn’t bleeding at the present time.

    He had another dr look at it to confirm his diagnosis. We left home at 6:30 a.m yesterday and didn’t get back till 11 p.m. we’re exhausted.

    I woke up this morning to the scream of my DD YELLING MAMA. A very large spider had got on her she knocked it off but couldn’t find it. She found and killed it after terrifying me. We’ve been doing errands today DD went to work so just myself & DGD here. DGD was stung by a
    wasp a little bit ago but she seems to be find thank goodness.

    Thank all of you for your prayers, advice and support. It means so much. I feel like I’m on a emotional roller coaster right now.

  143.  #143Rori Raye on May 13, 2009 at 6:46 pm

    Ann, just sending love, so glad it’s benign, and you will all figure this out, I know. Love, Rori

  144.  #144Daria on May 13, 2009 at 9:12 pm

    Ann sending you love too… Thank you for updating us.

  145.  #145Mercedes on May 14, 2009 at 6:07 am

    Sooo….Cassandra….how was dinner??? You feeling good about it?

    Much Love,

  146.  #146Mercedes on May 14, 2009 at 6:08 am

    Ann: As always…in my thoughts and in my prayers…

    Much Love,

  147.  #147TW on May 14, 2009 at 2:44 pm

    How are you today?

  148.  #148Ann on May 14, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    Thank you ladies. It feels good to recieve your support. I’m exhausted today trying to relax.

    I’d also like to know how Cassandra is.

  149.  #149TW on May 14, 2009 at 5:21 pm


    I do not know your story but I hope your family is doing well. I used to post all the time and just recently started back but please get some rest. You have a lot of sisters here and we are all rooting for a fast recovery. You will be in my thoughts and my prayers. Please take care and remember to rest. Even though you are not the one that is sick, when someone in your family gets sick it can drain you just the same.

  150.  #150Cassandra on May 15, 2009 at 9:08 am

    Ann….I am so happy that the tumor is indeed benign and that all went well with the surgery. You and your family have been in my prayers and I am expecting that everything will work out well whether or not he has to go thru another surgery!! I feel happy that you keep us updated so that we can be there to support you!! I am sorry it took me so long to get back here but you have most definitely been in my thoughts and prayers!!! Ssning you so much love and lots of hugs!! XOXOXO

    Mercedes and TW…..thank you both for your support and for checking on me these last few days and I am so so sorry that it took me this long to post. Things have been kind of crazy around here schedule wise…not sure why but any way your support made me feel so loved and cared for…that means more to me than you could imagine. Thank you both…..I love you guys!!! Well here is the update…..I DID go to dinner as planned and I have to say that it were not for you guys and everyone here encouraging me to go I may not have followed thru! I have not had such a beautiful evening since I can remember!! We met at the restaurant and he gave me a big hug when he first got there which was sweet and it made me feel wanted…..a feeling that I have not experienced in a VERY long time so that in itself was so nice. He was the PERFECT gentleman…opened the door…ordered my dinner for me..the whole 9 yards. it felt wonderful to be taken care of in that way – My Dad is the only other man that has ever done that stuff for me so that was refreshing. Ihave to giggle thinking about it all because we sat there talking for 3 hours before we even got to order dinner we were so into the conversation and having a great time. After dinner we sat there until we were the last ones in the entire place adn then we went outside and sat and talked in a little courtyard outside. Iguess I left around 11:00pm – ish. He asked me to call him as soon as I got home so that he knew I got home safely but HE was the one with an hour and a half drive – I was only facing a 7 minute drive. When I got home I did call him and my plan was to call him and then get my bubble bath and relax until he called me to let me know that HE was home safely but that was not what happened at all…..when I called him to let him know that I got home safely we kept talking……until 3:45 in the morning. I was shocked that it had gotten so late but enjoyed that conversation so much. Sisters, I cannot remember EVER…..EVER in my life being treated this way by a man other than my Dad…..EVER. he is a wonderful man with so many wonderful qualities and I feel wonderful around him. I do feel a sense of reluctance though and I suppose in my situation that is normal??? I don’t know but then yesterday we talked on and off throughout the day – HE was the one to call ME every time – and then he said ‘I really want to see you again and talk to you again in person…can I have dinner with you again this evening?’ I was stunned. Notice that he said…’can I have dinner with YOU’ rahter than ‘will YOU have dinner with ME’. The way that came across was as though he felt lucky to be able to have dinner with me and that struck me for some reason – in a good way though. I met him again for dinner last evening and because we had bee up nearly all night the night prior talking on the phone I was so tired so after dinner I came on home – again called him to let him know I was home safely and then we talked again as he drive home that hour and half and then I went to bed. I have not felt like this ever in my life. He treats me wonderfully and is a perfect gentleman in every way. I feel totallly blindsided by all of this as I sooooooooooo did not see this or anything like this coming at all in my future let alone now. I feel overwhelmed by it all honestly. I do think part of that is not being used to being treated this way but I REALLY tried to lean back and let HIM do it all……and he did. I also feel overwhelmed because he absolutely does want to see me again and we have been talking on the phone alot. He has said some things to me that NO man has ever said to me that are so very kind and that are about MY best interest rather than what HE wants and that is so new for me. When he says things like that I don’t even know what to say and I feel so uncomfortable in those moments because I truly am speechless and I tell him that.

    I feel so conflicted in that Charles will be home sometime today and part of me wants HIM to do and say the things that the pastor has been doing or saying but I know that that is not going to happen although he has been the ‘good’ Charles lately and that has been great but it is still nothing compared to how the pastor treats me. Last night we spent some time sitting in his truck talking a little bit and listening to praise and worship music. I noticed how peaceful and safe I felt….like I could totally ‘let go’ and be me and that no matter what I said or did…it would not change anything at all and that felt so freeing. his has been an amazing experience for me but in some ways does feel so overwhelming.

    Thank you all so much for your encouragement to go FOR ME and for checking on me. I send you all so much love!!


  151.  #151Ann on May 15, 2009 at 3:41 pm

    TW thank you I appreciate your caring and support.

    Cassandra thank you for your prayers and support. Hubby is on the mend from this surgery. Trying to take it one day at a time.

    Thank you for sharing with us how your dinner with the pastor went. We’re here for you. I feel happy to know you enjoyed yourself. Please keep feeling you feelings and focusing on you.

  152.  #152TW on May 15, 2009 at 7:51 pm

    You are so welcome my dear. We are all sisters here and are here to support one another through anything.
    Love you and God bless

    YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!! I am so happy for you. Please think about yourself and that is it. If the preacher is a nice man continue to let him give to you. I so wish Clara was here to see the progress you are making. You go girl!!!

    My LI has been so sweet ot me lately. Calling every day. Calling me to check on me. I was sick and was home for three days. Paying more attention to me than normal. It is so weird to me but I am enjoying every minute of it. I feel like we are getting back to where we once were. Communication lines are open and everything. I have a big smile on my face right now. All I need now is a tad bit more of his one on one time and then I will be good to go.

  153.  #153Tracy on May 18, 2009 at 3:03 am

    I am so happy for you…..u keep doing what your doing…Leaning back and enjoying yourself…I feel so happy for you….U have made my day feel so much better and more exciting…..Yay…..

  154.  #154Mercedes on May 18, 2009 at 6:38 pm

    Cassandra: I’m so happy for you. Hope all is still going well. I know how confused you must be by all of your different feelings, but…I hope you can enjoy the good feelings and embrace the scary ones…

    Much Love,

  155.  #155Cassandra on May 22, 2009 at 9:07 am

    Wow……My Sisters…I am so sorry that I have been out of the loop for over a week and have not been able to get back here to offer support and love and also fill you in on what’s going on here. Mercedes, TW, Ann, Tracy…thank you all for your support and your wonderful posts. They all meant a great deal to me and I am so happy that I made you ladies feel happiness too!!
    Ann… is everything with your hubby? Are YOU doing ok? You have been heavy on my heart these past days and I have been praying for peace for you specifically! I send you a huge hug and lots of love!! XOXOXO
    Mercedes… checking on me made me feel so special and loved. Thank you for that. You are a true gift that I am so thankful for!! XOXOXOXO

    Well ladies this past week has been a whirl wind to say the least. I do feel totally overwhelmed but am learning SO MUCH about me in the process of all that has been going on lately. The pastor seems to be a really wonderful man and we have been spending alot of time together. I have such mixed feelings about that in that I really do feel good about me around him and so I WANT to spend time with him – not to mention that he is quite good looking and alot of fun to be around – but then on the other hand I am still in Charles’ home. He has been working so he has been out of town but when he has been home – ie: last weekend – he made it pretty clear that I was not exactly welcome to spend time with him. His comments were things like “I am going to work on the bike’ or I am going to work in the yard’….I am going to this or that etc. Again and as usual it is all about him so on Sunday I had been invited to go and visit the pastor in his home town. Up until this point he has been coming this way to see me – he lives an hour and 15 minutes away so I thought that there was no harm in me going there to see his world. Given the fact that Charles made it clear that I was unwanted here – I decided to go and do something that would make me feel good so I went to visit the pastor. We had a remarkably beautiful day and I got to see his stomping ground and even meet a few of his closest friends. They all seem to be wonderul people. I truly did enjoy that and then Monday I went to his bible study that is held at the home of the friends that I had met so it was fun to see them again as well. Wed. night he came down here to take me to dinner and yesterday I had a Dr’s appointment that was a ways a way from here and closer to his stomping grounds so he asked me to come and spend time with him and we had dinner with those same friends……I ahve already been invited by the friends to have dinner with them all – including the pastor this evening but I am not sure if I am going yet or not. needless to say this past week has been a whirlwind of beautiful things happening and beautiful words being cast my way which make me feel wonderful. In comes the fear of intimacy….I am soooooo not talking physical intimacy here but emotional and spiritual. We have had some really beautiful talks and are most definitely on the same page spiritually which is so refreshing. He has told me that he does not want anyone else in his life and that he wants to date me exclusively – I filled him in on the situation with Charles except for the living arrangements so he is in the loop about all of that although I did not feel comfortable telling him about my living arrangements and he has even gone so far as to tell me that he believes wholeheartedly that the Lord brought me into his life and that all of this is ‘of the Lord’……part of me agrees on a spiritual level as far as ministry goes but as far as the emotional goes I hit my first HUGE roadblock last night. I REALIZED DURING A VERY SERIOUS CONVERSATION THAT I AM TERRIFIED OF TRULY BEING CARED FOR, PROTECTED AND LOVED! How is that for an AHA moment?! I am pms-ing so I am well aware that my emotions are heightened at this point in time and that is also part of it but most of it is ME being afraid to let someone in that truly appears…..key word there….APPEARS to really care for me, want to spend time with me, spoil me rotten and one day perhaps even love me. I am so afraid of that. he treats me better than ANYONE I have ever had in my life. Monday before bible study we ran to get dinner and we were just at a fast food place but ate inside. After we ordered I went to fill both of our soda cups and he took them from me and said something like ‘Why don’t I do that for YOU?!’ I was stunned….literally ‘deer in the headlights’ stunned!! Last night during this serious conversation there was a misunderstanding in that he took something that I had said and thought I meant something totally different – HE was the one to not let me get on the road to come back home without first making sure that I was ok and that all was well – he then told me that just becasue we have a misunderstanding or don’t see eye to eye on something that does not mean that he is out of my life or vice versa – he told me that he is not going anywhere…..ever and that no matter what comes up we will always work thru it until both parties feel better and safe. Again……stunned!! During all of that I started to feel the fear of that emotional intimacy but it was not until I read Rori’s eletter on toxic men – I think it was from a few days ago that I REALLY REALIZED that I am indeed TERRIFIED of being that close to someone and that I AM PUSHING HIM AWAY!!!! Now he has not in any way…shape or form backed off or leaned back himself… is ME but I realized this morning that my fears are moving ME toward shutting down – I did do that a little bit last night but at HIS urguing to talk to him… really talk to him…I did open back up. This is a HUGE epiphany for me because I realized that it is ME not HIM with the issue here. I do NOT want to go this route again ladies….I want to be open and receptive to whatever wonderful things are coming my way no matter what the end result is….I want to truly enjoy the journey. I don’t want to be shut down and closed off thereby creating an atmostphere where a good man could get to where he does not feel safe with me because I don’t feel safe with me and my own feelings. I feel proud for recognizing this in me and I feel excited because now that I know the problem I can take the right steps to fix it. I feel excited being this self aware and I feel excited for what the future holds for me in that regard. I still feel as though I am doing something wrong but Charles is not committed to me and most likely never has been. I do still love him or as Rori said in that eletter…..I KNOW that I am angry about that whole situation…no doubt about that!! Perhaps it is the anger that I am holding on to as I have never acknowledged it or loved it…I have never swept it all neatly up and put it my saddlebag so that I can simply acknowledge it, love it and keep moving forward on my horse. I feel better even just having written those words…..I feel release in a way…not sure what that is about though. I find myself looking forward to seeing the pastor and to spending time with him and even his friends. trhey have totally embraced me as though I have always been there and that feels so good. They are definitely the kind of people that I would have in my life as friends even without him and that feels good too. I love that we can spend time in prayer and praise and worship together and just get lost in it. I have never been able to do that with anyone else so it feels really good. I feel afraid of diner tonight for some reason and I feel that perhaps I need a night home….quiet. I will decide later ….not now. In any case ladies I so welcome your input and I am looking forward to knowing how you all are doing!!

    I send you all so much love!! XOXOXOXO

  156.  #156Tracy on May 23, 2009 at 7:20 am

    Cassandra!..I feel so excited for you….I feel so happy that you are enjoying yourself and having a good time!U deserve all the love and happiness the universe could possibly offer so enjoy every bit of it.



  157.  #157TW on May 23, 2009 at 7:47 am

    Hi everybody…
    It will be extremely hard for me to catch up but anyway, Cassandra, I am so happy for you and your efforts to make yourself happy. You keep doing what you do and let this man give to you in the way you need. He seems really nice. This is an update on me and my LI. He has been more attentive with phone calls and stuff but he is not giving me the physical attention that I need meaning we do not spend one on one time or go out on dates and stuff. He has started using the words “we” and things in his sentences when he refers to me. It seems to me that he is moving towards being with me but still scared you know. It makes me uneasy because I am so ready to move forward but likek rori said I can not make him be ready and I should not push because it would push him away. I am going to start dating again.

  158.  #158Cassandra on May 23, 2009 at 8:33 am

    Thanks Ladies. I so appreciate your support. It does feel good to have someone in your life that makes you feel so good about yourself that is for sure…..definitely something new to me. I realized last night that I had goofed in my earlier post and wanted to clarify that……I had said that I had not told the Pastor about the living arrangements but then last night we were talking and he brought it up – in a good way…thinking about what is good for me and so not in a bad way like a judgement or anything. I had totally forgotten that I had told him all about all of that. It felt good to hear what he said about all of that and that he is trying to find an alternative place to stay temporarily until I have an income coming in. That felt good to know that he was thinking about my well being….again….very new to me……but feels wonderful. I did end up going to have dinner with him and his friends and we had a beautiful evening. They are all such nice people and their children – 3 boys are as sweet and well mannered as they come. I really did have a great time and I even met his mother. She is very sweet as well and welcomed me as though I had always been there. That felt refreshing. I have felt however a sense of him being more distant ever since that misunderstanding the other night and that feels really uncomfortable to me. I feel as though he is more distant and guarded now when that was not at all the case before all of that but last night he was sort of affectionate but not like he usually has been. I know that he was tired and that would be it too but it does not feel good to me to even be thinking about that at all. He has already called me this morning to say good morning and let me know he is going to play golf with some buddies. I ahve been thinking about visiting his church with him in the morning – he invited me last week but I could not go. I am not sure yet if I will go or not. I just don’t know what to think of all of this. It does feel good but it also feels totally overwhelming in alot of ways. I still feel tied to Charles and only GOD knows why that could be!! LOL but I do. I DO also know though that I will never have what I want for my life with him so why in the heck can’t I let it go???
    TW……I think you are doing a great job handling this situation. I definitely think that you still need to date other people as he has not claimed you officially yet. It is great that he is using the we and us words but please do remember Sweetie that they are just words and without the actions to back them up they are empty. I love you and don’t want to see you get hurt. Keep up the awesome work Love!! I love you girl!!
    Tracy…thank you also for your wonderfully uplifting words of encouragement. That means alot to me!! Sending you lots of love as well!!

    Hugs to all…..

  159.  #159Ann on May 23, 2009 at 6:04 pm

    AWWW Cassandra it feels so nice to know you’ve thought of me in all you’re going through. My hubby was released from the hospital Wed. May 20th. He can’t drive, lift anything over 15 lbs, is supposed to walk alot, goes back to the dr. June 5th to have his staples removed. The uncertainy of the situation gets to me sometimes but I do the best I can from day to day.

    I’m feel so happy to hear you’re enjoying yourself with the pastor. I hope this doesn’t come out wrong because he sounds like he’s doing everything right just the kind of man a woman wants….Cassandra please trust your intuition. Don’t do anything that doesn’t feel right to you in the here and now. Please keep us updated your journey helps us also.

  160.  #160TW on May 23, 2009 at 6:24 pm

    It is good to hear from you… Please keep us updated on your husbands condition and I keep him in my prayers. Everything is going to be okay!!!

  161.  #161Ann on May 23, 2009 at 6:53 pm

    Thank you TW it feels good to know others are praying for us. I appreciate it so much.

  162.  #162Robin on May 24, 2009 at 4:38 pm

    Ann, Im so glad to hear your hubby is home and recovering-You and he are in my prayers. Please keep all of us here posted on how you and he are doing….

  163.  #163TW on May 25, 2009 at 2:17 pm

    I need some help… I had a good/bad moment yesterday. As I told you all, he has been very attentive to my needs lately. He has been calling every day just to check on me and yesterday he invited me over to his place to spend some time with him. We made love and laid in the bed and watched a movie and talked and just let the afternoon pass by. We had so much fun and had not done this in a long time. Now, here is the bad part. Before I left his house I asked him was he just going to be “the man” or was he going to be “my man”. He asked me what has he been already and I was stumped because I had to think about it I guess. He plays the role like he is my man. We make all of our financial decisions together, he is like a father to my kids, he always tells me that he loves me, and all of the things that people in a “relationship” so to speak do. Anyway, did I mess up by letting the question slip out? It was a thought in my mind and the next thing I know it just flew out. CRAZY!!! He always says TW let me be the man you know and I am like why because you are not my man or is he? HE told me that he was not sleeping with or seeing anyone other than me. I do put a lot of my focus into him and that is mistake number 1. I know I have to get back out there and circular date ladies… What else do you all suggest?

  164.  #164Ann on May 25, 2009 at 2:56 pm

    Robin thank you. It feels good to know so many people are praying for us. It’s much appreciated.

    TW you asked for suggestions so I’m going to answer with the first things that struck my mind when I read your post. How do you feel? Is he your man? To me from what you posted above it sounds like he thinks he is but how do you feel about it? If you’re not in your head how do you feel around him? Do you feel loved, do you feel cherished, do you feel protected, do you feel good about you when you’re with him?

    Rori says don’t be exclusive with a man until you have a comittment. But what I percieve her to mean is don’t be exclusive until you have a comittment you’re(meaning any of us) happy with. That feels right to us. TW does your man give you what you want, what makes you happy?

    I understand Rori’s words to be about helping me raise my self esteem. By learning what feels good to me, what I really want. To know me and be able to speak my truth from my feeings with my heart.

    I try my best to trust my own intiution, focus on what feels good, and feel what doesn’t feel good learn from it and release it.

    HTH big hugs

  165.  #165TW on May 25, 2009 at 3:10 pm

    To obe honest with you I have seen another guy meaning hang out and stuff so me being with someone else is not the problem but I would much rather be with him. he plays that I am your man role for me but has not officially come out and said it. It is like he wants me to lead and guide him on the emotional stuff and I want to follow you know. He takes the reigns on everything except thid. Anyway, when I am around him, I feel like a princess. When we get in the bed he always moves his arm and makes a little spot for me. My body still tingles when i feel his fingers caress my body. He makes me climax more than once during sex because I am able to let go of the world and just focus on the moment andI have never been able to do that with anyone else. I am in love with him. He makes my heart beat so fast when I am with him. I still get that giggly feeling with him when I am around him you know. That is something special to me. I do not know what to do. I am going to sit and watch Modern siren again.

  166.  #166Ann on May 25, 2009 at 3:27 pm

    Dang TW I just felt chills. I hear a woman VERY much in love with a man. I wish I could feel that much love for myself(meaning me loving me that much first before a man). Others may not agree with me but from what I’ve see a man speaks differently than a woman. The men I know speak by their actions which doesn’t mean they don’t speak with words too. It means their actions match their words. Maybe the next time you ask him that question you’ll be more prepared. When he throws it back in your lap you can say something along the lines of “I feel unsure if your being the man or my man. What do you THINK your being?”

  167.  #167TW on May 25, 2009 at 3:33 pm

    I am very much in love with him and have been for years. He has always been there for me and makes sure that I am always ok and that means a lot. I just wish it was more offficial you know. Hearing the words come out of his mouth instead of out of mine you know. I asked him yesterday if he loved me and he said yes and then asked me what was wrong and I was like nothing I was jsut asking. I want to get to the point where I do not feel as though I need to ask those questions you know. Maybe he has a fear that his life will change if he commits himself to me.. You know men feel like they are giving up life when thye commit. I do not want that for him. I want him to just be him. I love that he is a free spirit jsut like me. My body still trembles when we kiss.

  168.  #168Ann on May 25, 2009 at 4:31 pm

    TW I’m having internet issues today. I answered once but then lost it computers ughhh…..

    What I was trying to say before it was so rudely lost in cyberspace lol was it’s been my experience men communicate differently than females. They often speak with their actions not meaning they don’t use words. But usually their words will match their actions. Maybe you could use something along the lines of “I feel unsure. I don’t know if you’re just being the man or are my men. It would feel so good to hear you tell me what you THINK of me and us together”.

  169.  #169Ann on May 25, 2009 at 4:35 pm

    I also tried to say before cyberspace so rudely interrupted…. I could feel the love you had for this man coming through your post. I wish I had that much love for myself(meaning I wish I love myself that much before a man). Dang if we loved ourselves as much as we do men there sure would be some fantastic goddess energy floating aroung YAY

  170.  #170TW on May 25, 2009 at 4:41 pm

    I get what you are saying. Yes it would be a lot better if we could love ourselves more than we love those men. We let them drive us nutts you know but it is all good in the end I guess. My LI and I have been through so much and we are still going through a lot but with that being said, every situation is a learning experience for me. It is the best practice that you can get. I just want to know that he is with me and with me only. Although he says he is and does not even want his friends to look hard at me makes me feel that he is claiming me without claiming me if you know what I mean or if that mkes any sense. I care so much about him but I need to see that he cares just as much about me. I want this to be the man that I marry. We just click but I need him to understand that as well you know. I can not force it on him either.

  171.  #171Ann on May 25, 2009 at 4:44 pm

    LOL I’d say cyberspace was ran by men but then again I don’t won’t to bash. My post wasn’t there when I reposted it but it is now. Well I guess I need to post it more than once. Sorry in a silly mood at the moment.

  172.  #172TW on May 25, 2009 at 4:50 pm

    It is good to be in a silly mood versus a depressed one you know. We normally are not in the best of spirits most of the time but with that being said, it is good to see that you are in good spirits today…

  173.  #173Ann on May 25, 2009 at 4:57 pm

    TW I know what you mean and I hope you get the answer you’re looking for soon. I’d bet if someone was to ask his friends who his woman was they’d say you. I know you want him to let you know that’s the way he sees it too. Just keep taking care of you, focusing on you and what makes you feel good.

    Funny kind of off topic story here: I’ve seen you and others refer to you LI. For a while I thought that’s wierd they’ve both got guys name LI then it was like DUH LI=Love interest lol Point being sometimes what one person sees as something simple might not be understood by another. We either have to figure it out for ourselves or step up and ask until we get a answer we understand.

    Big Hugs

  174.  #174TW on May 25, 2009 at 5:00 pm

    Years ago he would not kiss me in front of them but now he hugs me and kisses me time I walk up and one of his closest friends told me that he really likes me… Whatever that means but it felt good to hear you know.

  175.  #175Ann on May 25, 2009 at 5:30 pm

    LOL don’t think cyberspace likes me making fun of it.

    I think it means he sees you as his girl. However if you don’t feel happy with things the way they are you might want to write you a girlfriend speech and then speak it to him in feeling messages.

    It’s clouding up here and thundering. Hope we aren’t fixing to have a repeat of yesterday. For about 2 hours we were under tornado warnings as soon as one expired they’d issue another yikes.

  176.  #176Flipper on May 25, 2009 at 5:41 pm

    Ann – I loved on your blog “intimacy = in to me see”.

    TW – Can you let him know in detail what you feel, in your body and in your heart? Like you told us “When we kiss, I feel my body tremble”; “I feel tingling….”. Maybe when you feel like asking if he loves you, remember you don’t like asking, and ask yourself instead “what am I feeling in my body” then tell him that – yes, just out of the blue. Or if you have asked (don’t beat yourself up), gotten a yes, and then he asks if something is wrong, does saying “nothing” feel like what you really want to say? From what you write, you are feeling plenty, so what is it that you feel? Remember His words “let me be the man”: he sensed your emotion, and asked if something was wrong, which shows he cares and even if he’s a little afraid there is, he wants to know, he feels strong enough to hear you or he wouldn’t have asked. So trust him and tell the truth. “Nothing” will not reassure him, on the contrary it might make him think you don’t trust him to confide, or it’s like denying his intuition. What if you answered, “I am just feeling so (tingly with love/insecure/whatever ….) and I was wondering, but I don’t like feeling (unsure/ ……. )

    Perhaps Ann could do a little dialogue around this if you and she felt like it. She does it so well – from both the man’s and the woman’s perspective!!

  177.  #177TW on May 25, 2009 at 5:48 pm

    Ann- m
    It just got done raining here and has been all weekend. It is okay though. I got some good sleep in for a minute. I guess I am in that loing mood. I so want to send my LI something sweet to let him know that I am thinking about him. Do you think that would be okay?

    What’s up my friend… I have missed you… Girl, I am in love and falling hard all over again. he makes me happy, sad, cry, laugh, enjoy myself, miserable… All of the above you know but we manage to make it all better in the end. I can not for the life of me understand what is going on with him through his words but his actions lately say so much. Can you remember back to when I said that he barely called? He has called me several times this week. As a matter of fact we have talked every day. HE invited me to lunch but in the end could not make it but he made the effort to ask. HE invited me over yesterday without me saying a word and I have not seen him on the weekend in forever. He is making an effort but I do not want to overfunstion but I want to let him know that I enjoy his company. Am I making sense?

  178.  #178Ann on May 25, 2009 at 5:51 pm

    Thanks Flipper that ““intimacy = in to me see” hit a cord with me when I first read it.

    TW I feel Flipper is right on in her post. I hope you can trust yourself enough to say what you feel and trust him enough to let him hear you.

    I’d feel honored to do a dialogue with you TW if you’d like hopefully my computer will coorperate if you’re interested.

  179.  #179TW on May 25, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    Let’s do it? Are you going to play the part of the LI and if so do you want me to start?

  180.  #180Ann on May 25, 2009 at 5:58 pm

    Experiment TW like Daria. If it would feel good to you to send him something then do it. Just don’t expect nothing in return. Just do it because it would feel good to you. Maybe something alone the lines of ” I had to turn my AC up full blast because I’m still feeling our love making”

  181.  #181TW on May 25, 2009 at 6:00 pm

    You hit on something then because I really am thinking about it. How is the dialouge with you supposed to go?

  182.  #182Ann on May 25, 2009 at 6:01 pm

    I can play LI if you’d like TW.

  183.  #183TW on May 25, 2009 at 6:05 pm

    Ok, you start…

  184.  #184Ann on May 25, 2009 at 6:08 pm

    TW just act like I’m your LI. Start by saying something to me you’d like to tell him. I have the easy part here because I’m playing the man. From my experiece men usually take us at face value whether they believe what we’re saying or not. So when I respond to you don’t think response back to me with what you feel in the moment.

  185.  #185TW on May 25, 2009 at 6:09 pm


    Do you love me?

  186.  #186Ann on May 25, 2009 at 6:13 pm

    TW don’t I act like I do?

  187.  #187TW on May 25, 2009 at 6:15 pm

    LI at times you do but when you get distant I always wonder if there is someone else that is taking my place in your life.

  188.  #188Ann on May 25, 2009 at 6:19 pm

    TW I’ve told you there’s no other woman in my life. Don’t you believe me?

  189.  #189TW on May 25, 2009 at 6:21 pm

    I had you promise me that there was no one else because you have never broken a promise to me before. I selfishly want you all to myself and the fact that you are non comittal so to speak just makes me feel like you are keeping yoru options open for something better to come along.

  190.  #190Ann on May 25, 2009 at 6:26 pm

    I’ve never broken a promise to you so why don’t you believe me when I say you’re the only women in my life. There’s noone else here you have me to yourself. What more do you want from me?


  191.  #191TW on May 25, 2009 at 6:28 pm

    I want to know that I am the one and I want you to be able to show me that every day and not just on the days when you feel like showing me. You have been so sweet to me lately and it reminds me of when we first met 8 years ago. I do not ever want to lose that feeling. I don’t want to live the rest of my life without you in it.

  192.  #192Ann on May 25, 2009 at 6:28 pm

    TW from Ann not LI-stop thinking use feeling messages. I can’t FEEL you so he might not either.

  193.  #193Ann on May 25, 2009 at 6:33 pm

    TW I don’t remember saying I was going anywhere. You’re the only women I make love to, the only women I spend my time with. I don’t know how else to show you that you’re the only one.

  194.  #194TW on May 25, 2009 at 6:35 pm

    I feel as though you can put more effort into spending time with me. I want to feel like a woman sometimes and be courted. Maybe have dinner or take a trip for the weekend and bond. I feel like you treat me as though I am always going to be around so you do not have to do those things.

  195.  #195Ann on May 25, 2009 at 6:41 pm

    WOW sweetheart. Why didn’t you just tell me this was what you wanted.? Would you like to go to (favorite restuarant) Friday night? I hope you’re always around. You rock my world wicked grin:)

  196.  #196TW on May 25, 2009 at 6:43 pm

    Back to normal me right now. I have told him this several times but he started with the inviting me over deal but at least it was not in the middle of the night like normal. It was mid day. That made me feel better. I would like to do lunch and stuff sometimes. Get flowers and stuff.

  197.  #197Ann on May 25, 2009 at 6:53 pm

    TW then tell him. He’s not a mind reader believe me I OFTEN forget men aren’t mind readers. But tell him in feeling messages leaving the you word out as much as possible. EX: It feels great to be here in the daylight. Do you know what else would feel wonderful? Then tell him….It would feel fantastic to go out to eat together. Flowers even ones picked from the garden would feel awesome to recieve. And of course chocalates fed to me by a good lucking man would feel oh mama I better stop before I attack you.

    TW It’s been 8 years so I’m assuming it’s ok for you to be this familiar with him.

  198.  #198TW on May 25, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    Yeah we can be that familiar with each other. We do EVERYTHING in front of each other and that is just not always good…. 🙂 Anyway, I will probably see him tomorrow but with that being said, he is very special to me and he will always be.

  199.  #199Ann on May 25, 2009 at 7:02 pm

    TW he sounds like a good man to me. I feel like it would be fine to tell him in feeling messages exactly what you want and how you feel. And if by some chance he doesn’t step up and give it to you then find for yourself what feels good. Enjoy yourself first, be happy, I think he’ll step up and want to make you as happy as you’re making yourself.

    What do the rest of you ladies think?

  200.  #200TW on May 25, 2009 at 7:20 pm

    He’s good but a man just the same you know. They are very different than we are sometimes. I thank you for having such confidence in our situation. I hope in the end that everything will be okay. No one said love would be easy and if you were to go back to post from months ago you will see that I have suffered with this same man but we are still in each others face you know. I just want to be happy and him be happy in return. Love you… I am going to bed. Gotta work in the morning but will post before I go hopefully.

  201.  #201Ann on May 25, 2009 at 7:41 pm

    Goodnight TW. Thank you so much for role playing with me. For me these role play expereiments are good. They remind me of things I’ve forget as well as help me “see”. Because I have more guy that girlfriends when I’m in that guy role I feel like I actually do think like a guy. I can see how women may be hard for them to understand sometimes. But I also feel the shift in my “guy thinking” when the woman uses feeling messages. Reminder to self & other sirens “feeling messages really do work”

  202.  #202Flipper on May 26, 2009 at 4:00 am

    G’ morning TW and Ann –

    Great role play! I had to go to bed so I didn’t get to see out unroll before my eyes.

    May I just tweak a little bit? I agree with Ann to try to get the ‘you’ out of there as much as possible – it’s his business to talk about him, to “be the man”. Out of all those wants, what you basically want is for him to come toward you with the whole range of life’s activities, but without asking, and not just the ones that are pleasant and convenient for him at the time. I.e. express your emotional needs and have them fulfilled, but not appear or feel needy (ask for specific things; manage his action).

    So let’s look over what was said and see how it could show more or you and be less directive:

    You wrote: “I feel as though you can put more effort into spending time with me. I want to feel like a woman sometimes and be courted. Maybe have dinner or take a trip for the weekend and bond. I feel like you treat me as though I am always going to be around so you do not have to do those things.” Do you see how this could feel like criticism or telling him what to do?

    What about:
    I feel so wonderful here with you now, and I’d love to feel like that all the time, just shine it for the world to see. When I’m out having fun, feeling good I want to share that. So I feel disconnected when no one’s there. I’m a girl and I need to count on things to feel secure. If there are no plans to do anything, I feel (put on hold, shaky, lost….), like I’m hidden , and I don’t like feeling like that.

    Of course, Your words and Your feelings, not mine. Just some ideas of How to turn words in a way that leaves out the word “you” and state your feelings in a way that doesn’t make him Accused of being the cause of them. Also, try 1 or 2 short sentences maximum at a time, then listen for a response.

    Another thing you wrote earlier : “he plays that I am your man role for me but has not officially come out and said it. ””It is like he wants me to lead and guide him on the emotional stuff”” and I want to follow you know. He takes the reigns on everything except this.” The words between the ”” feel like the nail on the head: isn’t that just what Rori teaches is our Role, Our Part in the relationship? guide him to his own emotional core so that he feels safe with it and wants to share it with us? By creating intimacy (see inside me), exposing to him your most Emotional feelings, the ones we too often feel scared to say except by disguising them as suggestions, complaints or “nothing”.

    Have a good (expressed) Feeling Day, TW – Hugs

  203.  #203TW on May 26, 2009 at 6:02 pm

    Hey girl-
    I think you are right. I do need to stop using the word YOU in sentences when I am referring to him. It is all just a matter of me doing better and getting accustomed to expressing myself in this manner. I am getting ready to really pay attention to Modern siren. I have tried to watch it several times and either fall asleep or start doing something else but it is now time for me to pay attention and get my man…

    Love you ladies

  204.  #204Cassandra on May 27, 2009 at 8:00 am

    WOW Ann and TW…..awesome role play! Reading that helped me so much to see where I was/ am missing the boat in my own communication and life issues. That is so awesome of the 2 of you to do and i hope that it helped you both as much as it did me!! Wonderful!!

    Ann – I do hope that all is well in your world and that your hubby is feeling better and better each and every day! You all are still in my prayers and thoughts!!

    TW…..I am with Ann and Flipper. I think that your LI is on the same page as you are it is just that the 2 of you don’t communicate that to one another in a way that the other can understand. Ann reminded you to stay in feeling messages and I have to do the same but I am trying. I think it is helping me alot. I want you to have all of the wonderful things that you want for your life and for you to be happy….completely and blissfully happy!! I miss you girl!!

    Well things here are confusing to say the least. The pastor has shown me a side of him that I did not know was there – of course this is all so new – learning about someone and how they handle things/ people/ situations. I don’t like it. I feel scary to me and unfamiliar and it does not feel good at all. I feel that I have too many issues to allow someone else into my life or my space even…..not even my heart but just even my space is too much for me right now. it feels creepy and like I am smushed against a wall with no where to go. I don’t like feeling this way.

    I think that i metioned that last week the Pastor and I had a ‘miscommunication’. What had happened was that he took something that I said and put the meaning to it that he THOUGHT I meant rather than asking me what I really meant and it caused a rather large ‘rift’ in our communication. Even though when I left that night HE was the one to make sure that I was ok before I got back on the road to come home apparently it still bothered him greatly. I felt decieved by him telling me that all was well when it really was not and I felt angry about that….as though he had in a way lied to me. I am trying so hard to learn from this experience and stay in the ‘how I feel’ rather than having it be about him. I felt really proud of myself becuase I told him clearly how I was feeling and I stayed true to ME. That felt great.
    Then this past weekend something happened where I felt really frustrated and I now feel that I don’t want to talk to him anymore again. Remember I told you that my mother had opened the account on that website where he and I met? He had told me that he had removed his profile and no longer needed it since I had come into his life – more on this in a moment – this was waaaaaaaay toooooooo much for me and I felt alot of pressure around this and I told him so but anyway my Mom called me on Saturday and had apparently gone on the site to see what if anything was in my/ our mailbox and she said that his profile was front and center. My issue with this was that I felt as though I had been lied to not that it was up there – if he wanted to put it back …..fine…I had no issue with that at all but I felt lied to that he had told me one thing and APPEARED to do another. It felt like the smae old lies and games and that made me feel awful….as though I just wanted to totally back away from him and anyone/ everyone else. I took a moment, gathered my thoughts and called him to ask him about it. I got his vm so I left him a message. I was very careful to keep it all in feeling messages about what I was feeling with NO accusations or blaming and after I left it I really felt proud of myself in how I handled it. He then called me back said some VERY harsh words and hung up. I was shocked. I know that I was very careful to keep my vm to feeling messages and there was not an ounce of anger in it as I did not feel angry at all – just that I had been lied to although I did not use those words in the vm as I did not want to come across with even an ounce of accusing or blaming energy. When he called me back a 2nd time he tore into me telling me that I accused him without even asking him about it and this led to an entire conversation about communication. I let him know that I had tried to be very careful about using feelings messages thereby telling him how I felt and by using that language it made my feelings MINE- I owned them completely and did not say anything like ‘YOU did this’ or YOU did that’. he did not want to hear it and would not even listen to what I had to say. He told me that he didn’t care how I said what I felt but that by me feeling what I felt in itself was an accusation. At that point – I felt like I could not say or do anything right and that he was on a rampage – the same feelings taht I have felt so often here with Charles all came rushing back with a vengeance as I have so often felt with him at different times that no matter what I do or say he will find fault in it – I felt that very same way in this conversation with the pastor. I again told him how I felt in feeling messages and let him know that if is kept to how I feel then it is about ME and not an accusation and I let him know that i felt very uncomfortable with the conversation and tone and I told him that I had to go – that I was not hanging up on him but that I did need to get off of the phone so I said goodbye and hung up. I was so shocked by his response and his anger and his rage that it did make me feel extremely uncomfortable. Ever since then there has been little communication if any but HE was the one to send me a text asking me what HE needed to do to mend this. His gesture was nice but I no longer feel comfortable communicating with him at all and that makes me feel sad as I was enjoying his company and the time that we spent together. I absolutely will not have anyone else in my life that displays any signs of anger issues or control in any way shape or form.

    In some ways this has been really good for me in that I feel so proud of myself for staying true to ME for probably the first time in my whole life. I stuck to FEELING messages in pretty much everything and definitely in the conflict part of things and was very careflu to not accuse or blame but to just own my own feelings that that is that. That felt good and it felt refreshing. It feels kind of sad though knowing that someone that I had thought was such a great person has these kinds of issues – his ex wife was in just about every single conversation we had and that bothered me too – and could just blow up as he did. It felt so much like Charles when he is crabby or frustrated or feeling something not so great. I don’t want that in my life – I already haveplenty of it with Charles although I must say that things with him have been so much better. He has been the man that I fell in love with even asking me if I had money for lunch this week!! That has felt wonderful.

    Ladies – is there anything here that I should have handled differently? I really really tried to stay in feelings messages and have no sense of accusations or blaming at all and I feel that I did well in that. If I am missing something i want to know so that I can fix it. I feel sad that there are so many men out there that are so controlling and filled with anger although I have been in that place where I too was filled with anger so I guess it is a human nature thing? I don’t know. I do feel a sense of pressure lifted in that the pastor was moving Waaaaaaaaaay too fast for me and talking about things that made me uncomfortable…such as future. My Mom and I are removing my profile from that site as it really does feel like too much for me right now and some of the guys on there make me feel nervous in their behavior. One guy sent me a horrible email because I did not email him back right away!! That made me feel icky and as though I wanted to run away from everyone!! GGRRRRRRR…..too much ……just too much for me!!

  205.  #205Daria on May 27, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    Hi Cassandra… I feel concerned. I feel worried about repeating… “this is too much for me.” That sounds like a mantra that can manifest itself. How about I just fell off the bridge and am getting back up on it with a smile soon as I have some (emotional) rest?

    As far as men’s anger. I used to think it was all abusive until Rori’s recent Eggshells post. Of course some of it IS abusive and I don’t want to be attacked with demeaning words or anything. However, I am starting to see

    That it is ok for them to express anger.

    And also that I can immediately say I don’t like being talked to like that… when I feel attacked or insulted.

    Here’s what happened to me last nite:

    I was talking to a guy who called me out the blue who lived in my old city. He tried to talk me into driving about 30 minutes to his house, and sort of succeeded. I drove there but I started feeling sleepy and uncomfortable and didn’t want to go anymore. I drove around (something I do there often anywhere) and he was calling me and telling me “come over” in a loud voice. I didn’t want to. I actually hung up on him and drove home. I texted him that I didn’t feel comfortable coming over and I feel bad.

    He texted me to pick up the phone. I didn’t and I texted back I don’t want to be yelled at.

    I texted him 2 cute pictures of me haha… telling him I felt uncomfortable going to his house that late and I didn’t mean to mislead him and I felt bad.

    I picked up (he called non-stop) when I got home and was in bed. He was glad I picked up but then started attacking me how it was STUPID that I did that etc.

    (I did feel weird about it, I felt like a weirdo driving there and turning around, however I just followed what I wanted).

    I was quiet at first letting him call that stupid and yelling at me, and I noticed myself start to shake with anger (in the past I would’ve felt “hypnotized” and terrified by his anger).

    My phone hung up, (battery died), and I lay for a few minutes feeling my anger. Then I put it on the charger and he called again. He said did your phone hang up ? I said yes and I feel glad it did because I do NOT like being talked to like that and I feel VERY ANGRY.

    He said, what? You were talking like that to me before! (We were talking like guy buddies, and having fun teasing each other and “talking mess” back and forth, however we were both laughing… now I felt much softer and not like being yelled at…I was speaking slowly and very Goddess like and lean back this whole conversation when I got home).

    I said… we were both laughing… I’m not laughing right now… I feel SO ANGRY and I can feel myself shaking.

    He said…*surprise* “oh oh… calm down… it’s ok… I don’t want you to be mad!” Omgosh I was shocked! Just by me expressing that I don’t want to be talked to that way (repeatedly) and hanging up when I was, it changed our whole convo.

    He explained how he felt bad because he was so excited to see me and it felt like I flaked on him. I said yes however I let you know how I was feeling. He said wow so you don’t care how I feel at all! I said I do care how you feel thats why I said I feel bad.

    He said wow you’re Ruthless… you really are different than other girls (he said this admiringly sort of). I felt flattered although I’m aware I’m not ruthless just able to stand up for myself and put my feelings first.

    Then I told him I feel turned on (which I did). This changed the conversation Hehe… he did not seem mad anymore AT ALL just thinks I’m super cool and sexy.

    This was a BIG DEAL to me because I felt super triggered. He sounded just like my ex (from the same area) who starts calling out names like STUPID and I used to feel so angry and scared and I finally learned to hang up. Now I feel that NOT ONLY did I learn to hang up, but also learned how to pick up and state clearly my anger and how I feel (shaking) in my body, and make it clear that his anger is fine (by letting him speak without interrupting and then saying how I feel)… and that I WILL NOT tolerate feeling put down. Actually I said taht..

    I said… I do not care what I do, I DO NOT want to be put down.

    I’m feeling so powerful. I think it was just normal (as in regular and used to and habitual for him) to go to yelling and accusing. I mean I can even see in my family or my own experience, if someone flaked on me and I felt it was ridiculous I might have resorted to yelling and calling names because of feeling hurt.

    But when I said I do not want that and said I feel shaky he really really respected that. He had to because he knew I think that otherwise I would leave (hang up). And he thought I was strong (ruthless lol).

  206.  #206Cassandra on May 27, 2009 at 6:45 pm

    WOW….Daria….your post is absolutely AWESOME and I feel so thankful that you shared that experience with all of us!! I feel so proud of you and feel like I wish I could give you HUGE hug!! I think that it is so awesome to be at that point where you DO what YOU feel like doing or not doing no matter what anyone else thinks about it or says about it and if they say something in their own anger to be able to be ok with that and stay true to YOU and how YOU feel!!! I feel like this is a HUGE accomplishment Daria and I send you a really big hug!! I so want to get to where you are….and I will. Thank you also for your input about my comment about what I posted being too much. I often feel overwhelmed like that and I know that it is because my focus is still not quite in the right place all of the time and I need to be TOTALLY focused on ME and what makes me feel good. Talking to the pastor does not make me feel good anymore – not since all that I posted about transpired but I am totally ok with that and as a matter of fact it feels good for once to walk away from something that does not feel good to me. That feels powerful in its own little way but I feel proud of that because it is one more baby step in my journey and at least Iam still moving forward! that felt good to realize that! I want to get to that point where I feel strong and even though that entire miscommunication took place I do feel proud of how I handled things in standing up for myself. Daria…again, I just feel so proud of you too and send you a huge hug!! Thanks again for sharing this experience – it really helped me alot to know that someone else’s anger is totally ok but that I do NOT have to listen to someone belittleing me and that I CAN hang up and I won’t turn into a pumpkin!! wink wink You really did bless me this evening Daria with your post. Thank you!!

    with lots of love and hugs…..

  207.  #207Rori Raye on May 27, 2009 at 11:57 pm

    Daria – I just want to say that you seem to be truly evolving and expanding…you seem so mature and so much more at peace – and you’ve got so many of the Tools down as a part of your daily functioning, you actually seem happier – like you’ve passed through several “new normals.” Do you feel this way at all? You just seem to be handling a lot more things easily, instead of letting them grab you and shake you. Love, Rori

  208.  #208Daria on May 28, 2009 at 12:22 am

    Rori wow it feels great that you notice this too! I was just telling my friend who reads this blog too that I feel like I’m at a new normal for sure.

    Because this guy I am dating and was seeing a lot and I even just slept with him a couple days ago… had put up this comment online that I thought was directed to me about how he wants a Real woman not a fake one.

    And I felt angry and upset and tingly and pulsing and literally started feeling better in about 2 minutes. (turns out later the comment wasn’t about me an he messaged me that he misses me like crazy).

    I’m feeling really great right now, I’ve been feeling stronger and stronger, I also recently did some EFT stuff with an amazing professional (Erika) that I think cleared a big fear of mine.

    so I’m having an easier time lately baby step by baby step. Also my menstrual cycles are seeming to regulate because I am paying attention to them and going to acupuncture.

    I have not been drinking and smoking to excess. (although I did not quit as I initially wanted to quit completely but was feeling torn… instead I am just totally reducing intensity and guilt which leads to me knowing better when and what is good for me… ie. less is more… am also asking Angels to bless me and make sure that these choices are healthy for me)

    I have a major interview on the way and it feels like I am moving forward to my goal this year of being financially self sufficient.

    I am feeling free of the addiction to guy whos having a baby. In fact im pretty much feeling free of Anger towards him which is HUGE.

    I’m starting to be able to look people in the eye more… the Lean Back Walk has helped a lot with this.

    OH YEAH… I’m also meditating whenever I feel overwhelmed… this is probably my most important tool… instead of allowing myself to be overwhelmed I go meditate and I ALWAYS feel centered afterward it’s amazing.

    I’m also asking Angels to do stuff for me and they do it.


    I’m feeling less lonely.

    My ex that used to be abusive is calling me and seems like even He has changed. I don’t even feel afraid of him right now.

    Life is getting better for sure.

    My family got Closer actually after a Huge argument a few months ago… due to me insisting we talk and using feeling messages for 3 hours.

    Now me and my mom hug all the time and I even hug my dad.

    Stuff is feeling pretty spiffy…

    I am on a journey of exploring my sexuality right now lol… I feel a little embarassed saying that and I am really interested in sex right now and expanding my physical pleasure etc… I feel like this is an important step for me and I feel so amazed at how I have lost incentive to dramatize or create imaginary relationships around this.

    I’m just feeling so powerful with this idea that I can train almost any man because I’m a Goddess. It feels like all I have to do is lean back and be easygoing yet consistent about what I want and don’t want. And simply assume they want to please me…

    Pretty soon after this sexual exploration part I will probably want to get married.


    Feels like I am definitely maturing.

    Oh yeah and I am still planning to move to Brazil soon, after I become self sufficient this year.

  209.  #209Daria on May 28, 2009 at 12:35 am

    My eyes feel watery… this i very unusual and my shoulder hurts… I feel so MOVED


    Because my biggest Credit Card Bill is giving me the flexibility to skip a payment this month. I feel tears. I thought it was a mistake but no. It says u have 0 dollars due, if you want to make a payment you can, but you don’t have to this month!


    OMG money used to feel like one of my most limiting issues and this is unbelievable to me.

    I am crying because I can’t believe that my life is changing this way.

  210.  #210TW on May 28, 2009 at 5:22 am

    That is God giving you a blessing. It may seem small to some but big to others you know. Continue to be blessed my sister in Christ and God is going to open even more doors for you.
    Love you!!

  211.  #211Flipper on May 28, 2009 at 8:06 am

    Super Brava and many thanks, Daria. (My feeling on reading the comment posted by the guy (before reading your own negative reaction to it) was not that it was Against you but Because of you – here’s a guy that’s experienced some Authenticity and Likes it, furthermore he’s now aware that he prefers Real to Fake. And where did he get the sudden inspiration for that notion ? ……I wonder…

    Sweet Cassandra, I feel so sorry your learning curve has hit some creepy hairpin turns again and yet I feel so proud of you for looking at things clearly, keeping yourself up and on the move forward. And though you are true to yourself in trying to find every possible iota of what you could be responsible for in what happened, I feel so encouraged to see that you are not jumping from there to self-blame and giving up. Brava and hugs to you, too.

    When things feel so wonderful but are moving too fast to “feel real” or just keep a connection to (the budding relationship and/or ourselves), how can we slow them down? In my life, it’s mainly been me going way too fast, imagining every future and its opposite, my heart flying away into accommodating/overfunctioning overdrive. That’s hard enough to get a handle on, but usually the guy isn’t so pressed if I’m pushing him through my neediness, so he’ll slow down for me (too much for my taste, of course). So if he’s the hot rabbit, and we’re pretty tempted ourselves, how do we slow things down In Time, before getting to an early breaking point? … I can see circular dating being pretty handy here, too. If we have alternatives, previous commitments (dates with other guys, scheduled meetings, not a wedding engagement), that should give us some breathing space and help us keep perspective. Though we can stand on our own two feet, it’s sure nice to have those outside straps and branches to hang on to sometimes.

    However, I had an uneasy feeling when I read about the voice mail that was left. Even though it was spoken, and in feeling messages, I wonder if this didn’t feel somewhat like an email or a text – from one side only, several things at once, inalterable. I feel I might react that way, as if the other person had to have the last word without leaving me space to breathe or respond, to check or modulate through interaction. It’s already hard for me to have a two-way conversation on the phone, (tho’ at times that distance can help), so I try and hope I can avoid saying certain things that way. There’s always so much room for misinterpretation everywhere – scary, scary, feeling my throat tighten up. Squeeze my hand. Hugs. <3

  212.  #212TW on May 31, 2009 at 5:08 pm


    I need your help. My LI has gone from hot to cold. AGAIN… We were fine and then all of a sudden he stopped calling. I talked to him Thursday and he was out of town taking a class but I am not sure if he had to stay overnight because I did not talk to him Friday. Saturday I called him and left him a message but still have not heare from him. I am super frustrated and want to give him my ass to kiss because how can you go from being all into someone to not wanting to talk to them. I enen sent him a really sweet text and e mail. It makes me wonder all kinds of things you know. I turned the ringer off my phone so if he calls I will not hear it because I do not want to talk to him right now and I kinda want him to wonder where I am and what I am doing. Sometimes I wonder is there another woman. He says there is not but why can’t you pay attention to the one that you have you know. I am sick of the hot and cold stuff with him. I am going to continue watching this movie Maneater on Lifetime and then I am going to clean.

  213.  #213Daria on May 31, 2009 at 10:07 pm

    Hi TW… i feel frustrated hearing that this is not going well for you.

    Please stop texting him and calling him. Especially sending a sweet text when I hear you feeling worried and upset feels really inauthentic.

    It sounds like he was trying to step up but now that he pulled away there’s no space for him to come back since you are pushing him away with texting and calling.

    Wanting him to wonder where you are and what you are doing is all in his business. How can he have a chance to step up if there’s no committment to focusing on you and leaning back.

  214.  #214Rori Raye on June 1, 2009 at 9:04 am

    TW, I’m seconding Daria on this. You are doing the classic mistakes. You’re chasing him, and then getting angry at HIM when he doesn’t respond. It’s the complete reverse of what actually works. Your own life has to be first – that gives you boundaries and keeps you from focusing on any one man – and then you are warm and open and responsive to whatever energy shows up from ALL men. If what you’re getting (without having to ask for it) isn’t enough from any one man, then you just drift away from him and spend more time with other men. You do NOT INVEST in a man until commitment. Until then, you “Circular Date.” Love, Rori

  215.  #215TW on June 1, 2009 at 12:55 pm

    Daria and Rori-
    Thanks for the comments. He called me this morning and I did not hera the phone so I returned his call and I was like What do you need and he said “What do you need?” All I was doing was calling to say hello and then he said that he was in class all weekend. I had a very dry attitude because I had not heard from him in days. He asked me to call him back but I have not. What do you suggest?

  216.  #216Robin on June 1, 2009 at 9:21 pm

    TW, I would focus on me and stop focusing on him-I felt this way for so long with my ex at work, and Im just now getting to a place where I just don’t care what he does anymore, b/c its just too draining-its just too much effort. And letting go feels like a relief, but it also feels awful and pretty scary too-

    I wouldn’t call him, text him, email him, nothing-just go out and find something that you LOVE to do that will take your mind off of him and put it on YOU-and when I first started this, it only worked in tiny bits and pieces, but then it starts to accelerate and you notice that you’re just not thinking about him-I notice this now and Im like wow, how about that I haven’t thought about him all day….and things will just start feeling better all around

    Please keep us posted on how its going-we well all keep you uplifted-


  217.  #217Cassandra on June 2, 2009 at 7:23 am

    TW….Sweetie…I totally agree with Daria, Rori and Robin. Please do focus COMPLETELY on YOU. I know it is hard to do at first because we are so used to thinking of them…what are they up to? How is his day going? For me it was also stuff like what can i do to make his day a little better? You are such a Sweetheart and really do have a big huge wonderful loving giving heart so you most likely think that same way but for me it was hard to stop doing all of that not only because I had done that my entire adult life in romantic relationships but also because it really felt good to ME to do those things for him. BUT……NOW it fells good to do those things for ME….to say first thing in the morning to ME….what can I do for ME today to make MY Day a little better. YOU CAN DO THIS!! YOU DESERVE TO FOCUS ON YOU! Not only that Love but you have done it before. I feel hurt inside that you are hurting this way and I feel like I want to hug you so tight.

    I feel so drained emotionally…I literally feel like my entire body is so heavy like I am dragging around a HUGE pile of rocks and I feel it physically, emotionally, spiritually and every other way that you feel something. I feel scared now and I don’t know why. I got a text from the pastor yesterday that said “I know you dont believe this but I do love you.” When i read that I simply broke down in tears. I was home alone yesterday morning and at that moment in I just sat down on the floor and cried and cried and cried. I have no idea how he meant that and don’t really care but after no communication for several days and the last communication was not all that positive for me that was not something that I wanted or was ready to hear. I texted him to tell him that I was feeling totally overwhelmed and this is all way to much for me. He sent me a very harsh text back which I did not get so I let him know that I can’t do this anymore. I feel too overwhelmed and that I did not feel comfortable with things…how they had taken such a negative turn and that I did not feel that this was good for me. I felt good about stepping away from all of that and even this morning, I know it was the right thing to do for me even though I still feel so heavy and weighed down. I did indeed delete that profile that my Mom set up and that also feels good.

    For some reason lately Charles has been absolutely wonderful. He has been there…he has been supportive, attentive, loving, caring, affectionate and all of the wonderful things that I needed him to be this whole time that i have been here. He had worked all weekend so Sunday evening we had a beautiful dinner and then snuggled up and watched a little TV. Yesterday we got to spend the entire day together – HE even asked me to go and have lunch with HIM! That has not happened since shortly after I got here. I was blown away….totally blown away. It was wonderful. We worked in the yard all day long and I did some work trying to help him with his mortgage issues – he is close to falling into default and I have been working with his mortgage co. to try to get him some help – so far to no avail but anyway I worked on that too. I have even here and there wondered if things could be ok with us – they have been that good.

    NOW in drops the BOMB. Last night we grilled out and his brother came over for dinner. I have noticed a very definitive shift in his brother’s demeanor around me lately and it makes me very uncomfortable but Charles told me it is nothing…..even though I know better. Well after dinner, I went to take my bath and get comfy. I had to get something from the other bathroom and the hallway door is right there next to that bathroom – I heard his brother mention my name so – maybe I should not have done this but I did – I stayed there for a moment and listened to what they were saying thru the hallway door. His brother was telling Charles that he HAS to make a hard choice and that he needs to put me out and move on with his life! That sometimes they need to do things taht are really hard but are for their own good. I was stunned and just froze…I couldn’t even move at that point. I then heard Charles tell him that he is not going to do that….that I have no job, no income and now I have no unemployment coming in for about 3 or 4 weeks until they get the new emergency benefits in place and then it will kick in again…he told his brother that I have no place to go but that he knows that I am trying as hard as I can to either find a job or get my business up and moving to bring in an income….he said that he is just going to ‘ride it out’. I felt so humiliated and small and insignificant and that I did not matter in any way shape or form. I have known for a while that I would most likely not even have the things that I want for my life with Charles but to hear him tell his brother that he is just going to ride it out until I can ”get out’ – the get out part is my words not his – hurt me so so deeply. I felt like I was going to throw up. My heart was beating so fast I felt like I was going to pass out. I listened for a little while longer and they just continued totalk about that but Charles did tell Jay that he is not going to ‘put me out’. My plan before this all happened was to go on to bed but needless to say I could not sleep. At 1 point about an hour later…..I had such a headache that I had to go into the kitchen – where they were to get something for that. When I came out of the hallway door Charles IMMEDIATELY and I mean IMMEDIATELY jumped out of his chair, stood up and asked me if I was ok – he said that I looked like I was not ok and he asked me several times if I was ok and it was all I could do to not cry. HE even called me Sweetheart in front of Jay – he NEVER DOES that. At that point they were not even talking about me anymore -that I know of at least. I told him that I was – that my head just hurt which was SO NOT authentic at all but Jay was still there sitting right there at the table so I said that I was…it was just that headache. All night I could not do anything…..I literally sat on the step in the bedroom and cried and cried and cried. I even crying right now just reading this and am starting to have trouble breathing now becasue of it. My lungs are tight and so is my chest. OH MY GOD DOES THIS HURT. I feel so small and like I am nothing. I was doing so well and now I feel like I am broken to pieces all over again. When Jay left they stood outside talking for a little while and I went back into the kitchen to get something more for my headache and that is when C came back in the house. He was shocked that i was still up and ran….literally ran to me again and asked me over and over what was wrong. He said that he could see in my face that I was not at all ok and when Jay is over late like that I am ALWAYS in bed at this hour. I could not tell him but I was fighting back tears andhe knew it. He actually took me in his arms and held me for a little while – he was so loving. I was afriad that if I did tell him what I heard and how it affected me that he would get angry with me for listening and not even hear what it was that hurt me so badly…..that it would all be turned around on me. I still have not told him. He took me back into the master bedroom (I have been sleeping in the spare room) and sort of “tucked me in” – even kissing me which he has not done since I can remember and he went to take a shower. When he came out….I could not NOT say anything anymore I was so upset but I still felt afraid to tell him I heard what he and Jay had said. I asked him to come to the side of the bed where I was sitting and he took my face in his hands and really listened. Again he had not done this since pretty much right after I got here – it was like he was REALLY there and listening. I was crying and I asked him if he feels that I contribute around here….If he felt that I take care of the house and his business stuff that he needs me to do when he is gone and even the mortgage stuff and he told me that I contribute a whole lot around here and he kept asking me what was really wrong…why did I ask him that and what else was really going on with me but I could not tell him because I was so afraid that he would get mad at me for listening to that part of their conversation – I could not stop crying and he just held me for a second and then turned the lights off and came to bed – when he came to bed – he rolled over and took me in his arms and held me until I went to sleep – I cried for a while though before I drifted off. I don’t get it. I feel so confused. I feel that his lovingness last night was guilt over what he had said not really meaning it although I so desperately want to believe that he did mean it but I know him well enough to know that that was all about guilt for him. I feel so afriad now that his family is going to encourage him to kick me out of here….I do NOT feel comfortable with his brother at all anymore and do not wish to be around him anymore at all. I feel scared that his family will convince him to kick me out. He did not defend me at all – he simply said that he is wating it out. He did say to his brother that he knows that I am trying so hard and working on all of that every single day and that part felt good to hear but the rest was so so so deeply hurtful to me. Why was he so loving last night? Does he really care deep down or was it all an act of guilt??? Do I tell him what I know…what I heard? I want to but I am afriad that he will get upset with me for listening and then kick me out. I feel so humilated that I am not wanted here at all in any way shape or form and that i am only here out of pity. All of this happened after Charles and I had had one of the most wonderful days we have had since I can remember. Even this morning…my whole body is shaking and I can’t stop crying. I don’t know what to do? If anyone has any insight to what I should or should not do here please please share it with me… I tell him what I know? DO I keep my mouth shut for fear of being kicked out on to the street with no income whatsoever? What do I do? I feel so scared and so broken and so worthless and just nothing right now. I KNOW that I AM NOT worthless and nothing I dop know that but that is how I feel right now.
    I even look at all that I have done to save this house for him. He never could have done any of that and I wanted to do all of that and have no regrets about it at all but my point is that I am NOT worthless. I actuall think that this has hurt me worse than anythings else that he had done in the past. I don’t want to be a pity case. And then why was he so loving/ caring/ comcerned about me last night? WHY?!! Why did he hold me like that? and care?? WHY??? please someone tell me why??
    I am trying so hard to 1) find a job and 2) create my own job with my business so that I can get my life back but that all takes time and there still are no jobs here as a matter of fact this place has the highest unemployment rate in the country and it is still climbing. I feel like every step I take forward I get knocked back 10 emotionally. This hurts so badly to know that I am nothing more than a pity case to him and that he wants me out so badly and is ‘waiting it out’. Am I that awful that it he has to ‘wait it out?’?! I don’t get it. Yesterday we were laughing and joking and having fun together. If anyone has any insight on this please please share it with me. I am really borken right now and don’t know what to do to fix it.

  218.  #218Cassandra on June 2, 2009 at 7:24 am

    Sorry that was so long.

  219.  #219Robin on June 2, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    Cassandra, I so sorry that you are feeling sad..I wish I could hug you…

    I don’t know, but maybe you could look into living somewhere else? Do you have any family or friends close by that you could live with, just to make yourself feel better, so you can focus on yourself more easily…

    I don’t know, when I first read it, I thought he meant by he was gonna ride it out, that he was gonna stay with you no matter what, and be there for you while you find work…not necessarily that you’re a pity case, which you a DEFINITELY NOT, which is why maybe consider finding another place to live to feel better about yourself, and NO BEATING YOURSELF UP!!

    I feel so much for you, and Im sorry you are feeling sad, if it were me, maybe continue with the circular dating, talking to and interacting with new men too, and doing all the things you love…It sounds great that you are working on a business, that’s fantastic!!!

    Doing things to raise your self-esteem and feel better about all aspects of your life-things that bring you joy and bathe you in satisfaction-please, please please know that you have support here too…

  220.  #220TW on June 2, 2009 at 6:11 pm

    Thank you very much. It is going to be hard but I planned a wonderful weekend. I am also seeing a male friend from high school so that would be fun. I think baby steps are in order for me.

    I am so sorry to hear that you are upset. It is odd to me for you to say that Charles is so attentive and then for him to say those harsh words to his brother. I just do not understand. Maybe you took it the wrong way. Maybe he just meant he wanted to see how things are going to go between the two of you before he makes a big decision like that. I find it hard to believe that he would treat you so nicely after all of this time only to turn around and hurt you. You know him better than I do but the truth seems to always work whether it makes him mad or not. Stop the tears and see what he meant. If you do not fele comfortable bringing it up then that is totally your decision but you are only going to replay a conversation that you were not a part of in your head and it is going to get worse and worse. Pray about it and then make a decision that is comfortable within you. I love you my sister. Dry the tears…

  221.  #221Cassandra on June 2, 2009 at 7:06 pm

    Robin and TW…thank you both for your support and uplifting words of encouragement. They made me feel loved and cared for and I so appreciate that.

    TW….I feel so happy that you have other plans this weekend. I feel hope that you will continue to focus on you and what makes YOU feel good. You have done it before Love and you felt great so I know that you can do it again!!

    Robin – Unfortunately there really is no where else for me to go. I have some health issues and can’t live where there are any animals/ pets. My BFF’s have all offered for me to stay with them but they all have furry friends and they would make me extremely ill so that is not an option. I am REALLY trying to work on ME ….on focusing totally on ME and what makes me feel good and even when Charles is home….if he is crabby and I am the target I have even started to go do something by myself which I never used to do. That feels good.

    it made me fooe so good to know that both of you read what Charles said to his brother the same way. 3 of my girlfriends here said that exact same things so perhaps I did read it incorrectly. I am so so deeply aware that I was not at all my aunthentic self last night when i felt so hurt and broken by his words to his brother and I was not honest either and that bothers me. I did feel and still do fel afraid that if Ihad told him that I heard what they had said that he would turn it around on me and it would become a “bad Cassandra….you should not have been listening in on our conversation” kind of thing. he has done that in the past and that is why I was afriad to tell him the truth about how I felt. I still feel that way but I do feel a little better knowing that there is another way that he could have meant what he said. I don’t feel that confident that he meant it the way that you all saw it however things have been so much better it really has been like night and day. He called me 4 times today to see if I was ok! I cannot remembe the last time that he did that – it felt wonderful and I told him that. I still think about how he took me in his arms last night and just held me close to him until I fell asleep. I don’t remember the last time that he did that…….it was like it was when I first got here and before. I have been feeling that I had MY CHARLES back – the one that I fell in love with – not the one that is abusive.

    the gentleman that wants to take me to dinner asked me today if I could join him for dinner tomorrow night. I feel afriad of this and I feel as though I wold be doing something wrong again and now that things ahve been so great with Charles I feel like I don’t want to spend time with anyone else. Do I go? Don’t I? I don’t know and I don’t know what to tell him. I have to let him know in the morning though. ????????? I don’t know what to do. I feel so uncomfortable with C’sbrother now and I know that when he is coming for dinner again which happens alot now but I don’t feel good being around him anymore now that I know how he sees me as taking advantage of Charles which is so not the case. I feel that he sees me as lower than he is even though I ahve helped him and his wife with so many things and have really been there for them. I feel as though he dose not like me which bothers me although I don’t know why. I feel as though he is going to try to continue to encourage Charles to kick me out on the street. I do feel so thankful that Charles told him that he is not going to do that but it hurt me so badly when I heard him say what he said about waiting it out. When i think of that I so want to believe that he meant it the way that you thought that he did but in my heart I feel that he meant wait it out until I am out of his hair. I hope that I am the one that is wrong on that one. I really do. He did seem genuinely concerned about me and what was wrong and I do feeel guilty that I did not tell him. He even asked me today what happened last night that I was so sad. but I told him that i wanted to talk to him in person about that not over the phone – as he is on the road. I have to say that when he got home on Sunday afternoon I felt so so deeply happy to see him that I know I was beaing with joy that he was home and even yesterday when HE asked me to go to lunch….same thing and working in the yard together… was wonderful…I love that and we had fun…..real fun together adn that has not happened in a long time. I do still love him and I wold be so happy if things could be ok but with all that has happened I don’t feel secure or trust it. I feel out of place – like I don’t belong here – like he is indeed waiting for me to leave – like I am a stranger in the only home I have known here. I do hopethat things continue the way that they have been as it has been wonderful until last night. Even today he has been checking on me thru out the day and I love it when he does that. Do you really think it could be possible that he did mean that he was going to wait it out to see if things work out with him and I??

    I love you too!!

  222.  #222Mercedes on June 3, 2009 at 6:57 am

    Cassandra: My heart goes out to you girl. It sucks when we’re trying to read someone’s mind and figure out what they’re thinking and why they’re acting a certain way. Here’s where it’s hard for me to see you where you are right now though: You’re containing your own actions based not on what you feel, but on what you’re afraid he’ll do or say. Act on what feels good to you. I don’t think you’re going to feel better until you ask him what that was all about. You can go with your gut and assume he’s waiting for you to get out or you can go with your friends and assume he’s riding out a tough time with you and wants it to work…or you can ask him. You can tell him the truth about being in the hallway and freezing up when you heard what they were talking about. You can tell him how confused and scared you’re feeling. I know you’re scared of how he might react, but…are you willing to push down everything you’re feeling and keep telling him you’re fine because you’re afraid of how he’ll react?

    My take on this is you have no chance at being at peace here until you talk to him. If you talk to him and he turns it around on you, you’ll be upset. If you don’t talk to him and you push it all down, you’ll always wonder and you’ll be upset. If you talk to him and he explains…that’s your chance at happiness. Stuffing it down and assuming you know what he’s thinking and what he’s going to do…well…there will be no happiness there.

    I’d really like to see you continue to circular date. When you were seeing the pastor, the two of you got pretty caught up in each other very quickly. This OBVIOUSLY wasn’t comfortable for you, but you were having lots of conversations and meetings with him…and…he was the only one you were seeing. I think that’s why you were so shocked and hurt by his actions. If he had been one of many men, you would have been able to dismiss him without feeling like all men are this way and you need to disable your online account. All men aren’t this way, but from my experience, we have to meet a LOT of them to find the good ones. I want so much to see you with a man who you feel comfortable talking to…even when it’s a tough conversation to have. The men in your life scare you with their anger…I’d like to see you be able to address the anger and the bad treatment (you deserve to be cherished…really, really cherished) and walk away feeling REALLY good about it. Not questioning why they were like that, just feeling good and walking away…that’s my dream for you…

    Anyway…I hope things get better for you. I know it takes a lot of courage, but…if you can find that courage inside of yourself and talk to Charles…you’ll at least be able to stop trying to guess what this is all about and KNOW what needs to happen next. If Charles is hiding something from you and he does feel the way your gut tells you he feels, then things will only get worse as he stuffs those feelings down but…if you are authentic and give him an opening to tell you what he’s feeling and thinking, then, if nothing else, it will all be out in the open.

    I ramble…sorry…

    Much Love,

  223.  #223Ann on June 3, 2009 at 5:48 pm

    Hello ladies, I feel happy to be around my computer and this community tonight. I had a day yesterday that helped me get a step closer to what Rori and others I follow teach. Yesterday my body said ENOUGH loud and clear. I had a fitful nights sleep my eye was bothering me so bad when I woke up that after a few minutes I took a nap. When I woke again it felt some better so I read for a few minutes and it started in again. I felt exhausted. Took another nap when I awoke that time I ate and did everything in slooooowww motion. I feel better today.

    This morning as I read from my mobile I thought about yesterday and this week and how it was different than last week. Then I felt a aha moment. Rori always says to feel your feelings, sink in them, speak your truth. That REALLY is more for us than anyone else. If I feel my feelings and sink into them, I realize my feelings are always changing. Just like each day is a new day, even if it seems like a replica of yesterday. I have a new chance to feel my feelings and sink into them.

    I came to more realizations also. I realized that since working Rori’s tools, interacting in this blog that my self esteem is ALOT better but I still have trust issues and parts of my heart are still zipped. But that ok because I’m still devoted to me.

    I feel the sirens here have lots of things in common, altho, we are on different paths, we help each other so much.

    Cassandra I’ve seemed to miss you in our postings lately. You’re one of the people I think of each time I loggin in here. I said a prayer for you earlier. I hope you don’t mind because it was a little different. I agree with Flipper and Mercedas. I also see something in you I saw in myself for a long time. So I prayed for God/Angels your higher power to show you you’re determined anger. What I mean is for you to feel your anger fully and have that kind of determination that can change the world starting with you. That determine anger that want worry about what Charles or anyone else thinks. You’ll be able to look them in the eye and say I’m doing everything I can to take care of me.

    Daria I love hearing about New York. You have such a way of describing things I love it.

    HUGS to all the inspiring feeling sirens here.

  224.  #224TW on June 3, 2009 at 6:54 pm

    Hello ladies-
    I need some help. My LI came to my job today but did not come up to my office and see me. I was somewhat offended so I called him and he did not answer the phone. My co worker said he was in a hurry. I know he is busy trying to finish a house and stuff but please… when I get out of pocket like that then all hell breaks loose but it is okay for him to do in his eyes. I know I should not have called him so with thta being said I have filled my schedule with some things that I want to do which does not include contacting him although I really want to tell him how I feel about the way he seems to take my heart for granted like I am always going to be there. Well tomorrow is my resting night because Friday I am going out with this guy I went to high school with and Saturday I am going to meet a friend of mine that lives out of town and we are going shopping and then to dinner. Sunday is always filled with church and dinner with the family. I love him so much and it seemed like we were getting so much closer but the closer we get he starts to back off. What should I do about this?

  225.  #225Ann on June 3, 2009 at 11:23 pm

    TW I would suggest since he’s not around to get a journal and write out how you feel no holds barred. Then write it again in feeling messages. Feel your feelings both times you write. The second way will help you know how to say it to him if you still want to the next time you speak to him. Then forget about it unless you feel you need to speak it to him when you see him again.

    Continue with your plans, focus on the moment and enjoy yourself. Enjoy yourself whether he around or not.

  226.  #226Cassandra on June 4, 2009 at 2:41 pm

    Mercedes…..YOU ARE SO RIGHT!! You said this…..”You’re containing your own actions based not on what you feel, but on what you’re afraid he’ll do or say. ” and you are right on with this and I knew it even when I did not tell him how felt whent that whole scenario played out the other night. He left to go out on the road Tuesday morning and when we talked later in that day he asked me what happened and he asked me in a very loving and seemingly genuine way. He really appeared concerned about me. I told him that I did not want to talk about it over the phone but that I will tell him what happened when he gets home so that we can talk about itin person. Well yesterday I had a pretty tough day…pms….a friend needing my help but me not really having the time to help but also not taking care of ME and saying no and then getting overwhelmed BECAUSE I did not say no…..and so on…you get the drift here. I called Charles about something…can’t even remember what it was and we were chatting and having a nice conversation and he told me to calm down and that I needed a glas of wine. That triggered me in a BIG way and I began to cry – I don’t like that I cry so easily but that is part of how I am – I told him that I felt totally overwhelmed and I accidentally mentioned some things that his brother had said the other night that really really hurt me and something about me feeling scared that i was going to be kicked out of the house. I was SHOCKED at his response. He said the following…….

    “Sweetheart….baby…..shhhhh it is ok Sweetheart. We will talk about all of that when I get home like you wanted to…. but listen….you are NOT going anywhere. No matter what Jay, Mom, Dad or anyone says or thinks or even does. You are not going anywhere until you either have found a really good job that you like or until your business is making enough money for you to be comfortable and even then we will sit down and TALK about our living arrangements. (NOTICE that he did not say anything about me moving out!) I don’t want you to even think about that anymore….we are fine and it is going to be ok.”

    I was stunned. He was so loving and caring and comforting that I did indeed get off the phone feeling so much better but my point here was that the other night I was totally NOT authentic and real with him BUT yesterday it all kind of spilled out by accident BUT…..I was real…I was authentic although that was not even on my mind at the time but that was indeed what happened and he responded with such love and concern and I felt thru that phone that he really truly did love me and WANT……key word here…..WANT to comfort me and help me feel better. Mercedes you are so right in what you said and I am definitely going to talk to him about how I feel about what took plce the other night and even share with him that I felt afraid to tell him how I felt. I know that I will indeed feel so much better once I do tell him how I felt. It felt so wonderful to have him react that way and I did feel loved.

    About the pastor…..I can see where you would think/ feel that becasue he was the only one that I was spending time with that it was about him but it really wasn’t that and I realize that now. He has ALOT of the same traits as every man that I have dated has had…control…anger issues…..things needing to be about HIM and everything HIS way. He seemed nice enough and sure some of the things that he swaid to me were nice to hear but it did not take long at all for me to recognize those traits and get the heck out of there! For me this is also huge. In the past, I would stuck around in order to go out and have anice evening and hear all of those good sounding things whether or not they were real…..they just sounded and felt so good BUT I would…in the past compromise my feeling uncomfortable with the bad stuff in order to hear and feel inside me the good stuff that came from the good words. This time I did not do that and #1 it made him really mad which is just something that I have noticed but more importantly #2 I GOT THE HECK OUT OF THERE!!! That may soudn trivial to some people and that’s ok but for me this is totally something to celebrate. I feel so proud of that. The only scary thing about all of this is that he is still calling even though I have diplomatically told him that I enjoyed his company at times but at other times I felt very uncomfortable and feel that it is best that we don’t spend anymore time together or even talk on the phone anymore. The more that I don’t answer his calls the more angry and volatile they are getting. Even today he called me and left such a nasty message that it made me cry – which as you all know is not too hard to do LOLLOLLL!! but that is not the point. I called the phone company and asked them how do I block that number and they actually did it for me so I feel good about that. Even with all of that which in itself is pretty overwhelming…I still feel proud of myself for closing that door. I did learn alot by spending a little time with him so Isuppose in the end it was a good thing for ME even though I felt stress around it…I did learn alot. I am not sure if I feel that his anger scared me per se’ – just lately when his messages have gotten meaner and meaner – THAT part scared me but before that started his anger didn’t necessarily scare me but I felt so much frustration around it. I did not understand where the anger in him was coming from and the more I told him in a calm manner things like “I feel very uncomfortable with this conversation and I am going to go and do this that or the other” – whatever I told him – the more angry he got or if I said something like “I feel very judged by that statement and it feels yucky to feel that way”……silence in waiting for him to respond…..his response was quite frequently yelling at me over the phone and I would then say something like “I feel extremely uncomfortable being yelled at and it feels awful to feel this way.” again it would be more yelling so I would tell him I was going to go and hang up the phone and then he would call me back several times. 1 time he even called me 21 times! YIKES…THAT was where I felt FEAR of his anger! Mercedes… you were not rambling at all…I so deeply appreciate all that you wrote to me and it helped me alot. I did learn alot from that but I did also delete my profile as I did not feel comfortable having it on there.

    As far as the other gentleman that wanted to take me to dinner – I did end up going and we had a very nice time. He seemed to be very nervous but I did enjoy the evening. Later I sent him a text saying thank you for a wonderful evening and he send me one back saying that he had a great evening too and good night. I have not heard from him at all today which is fine. I ahve no idea if I will even see him again or even hear from him but I am not calling him or texting him or anything. i did send the text last night to say thank you which I felt was due but now? I am not doing anything…if I hear from I hear from him if I don’t…I don’t.

    Ann…thank you for your note! That made me feel very special…thank you for that. I am so glad to know that you are doing so well and taking care of you!! You also were correct about anger.I am working on that…baby steps you know…baby steps. That part seems to be hard for me to grasp….loving my anger or not so great feelings but I am working on it.

    TW…I am thrilled to know that you are so busy with doing things that you want to do that make you feel good.

    I send love and hugs to each of you!!!

  227.  #227Cassandra on June 4, 2009 at 2:44 pm

    …sorry that was so long again. Working on that!! Love you guys!

  228.  #228TW on June 6, 2009 at 4:54 pm

    I am glad that you are making movements for you instead of worrying about everyone else’s feelings you know. It seems to me like you have found your boundaries and sticking to them which is better than before. As for me and my LI he is still hot and cold. he came by to see me at work yesterday and he was all smiles but I did not hear from him any that night or today so far. I am okay with it and I know that I need to really give my power speech and be prepared for anything when he gives his answer. I hope he wants to move forward with me you know. I bought some things for his daughter and she loves them. I want to build a relationship with her too now that she lives here you know. I want all of us to be a family and grow together. I guess instead of me telling you all this stuff I should tell him. I feel scared and uneasy at the thought of expressing myself.

  229.  #229Ann on June 6, 2009 at 7:33 pm

    Thanks Cassandra. I feel good to see you posting again. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to post on the blog. You’ll can read what I mean in the post I made on:

    I’m working on getting my determine anger up right now.

  230.  #230TW on August 2, 2009 at 6:55 pm

    Where are you?
    are you okay????????

  231.  #231Cassandra on August 3, 2009 at 3:52 pm

    TW…your message made me feel so loved and missed. Thank you. It feels great to know that I was on your mind. Please know that I have been thinking alot of you too and praying that you are ok too and focusing on YOU and the boys. Thank you. I send you a huge hug.

    Things here have deteriorated to the point that Charles is back to threats and nastiness that I cannot fathom. His brother – the one that tried to talk him into kicking me out – and his nephew moved in with us last week. Up until that point things were at least calm and smooth…not good but at least not the way they are now. ever since his brother has been here Charles has been nastier than ever….cruel really. Last night HE broke up with ME telling me that he does not want to be bothered and i am holding his life back. The man does not care about me at all unless he needs me to do something for him. I believe that he is mentally ill. Two weeks ago I had the first asthma attack I have had since 2003 when they removed a piece of my right lung. I have done really well since that time so it caught me totally off guard. I went in the house to get my medication and lay down to calm myself and try to breathe. When he came in the house he literally and physically walked right over me as though I was not even there. I could not drive in that state so I asked him to get chinese for me before going to his brother’s house to finish moving some of his stuff into storage….he did it but only after much fussing over having to help me. he told me that I don’t matter as a human being, that I am holding his life up, that he does not want to be bothered, that I need to go home to live with my parents -which is not even an option for me and knows that – and then in the same breath before walking out the door to help his brother move says “Baby call me if you need me, I will be around anddon’t forget to call me before you go to bed ok?” I layed there on the floor thinking “WHAT??!! ARE YOU FRIGGIN NUTS??!” I said nothing. Yesterday, he got mad at me for giving him a good morning kiss in front of his brother. How dare I?! Last night he broke up with me saying all of these horrific things that I would not be able to say to another person and then as he was walking out the door said it again….”Baby call me if you need me, I will be around and don’t forget to call me for sure before you go to bed”. I was stunned.

    I feel so angry that he broke up with me. I feel angry that I have been stuck in his house for so long. I feel angry that all of the good things we had were all lies. Oh…that was another thing…..he told me yesterday that he has never loved me, that be did indeed bring me here under false pretenses and that he knew exactly what he was doing and that all of the beautiful things that he said to me in the past in cards and in general were all lies. He does not love me and never has. he ust wanted me here so he said those things to get me here. WHY WHY WHY???! I don’t get it and have been thrown totally off kilter. I have not slept since the night before last….I can’t even eat. I feelsick to my stomach and I feel so duped. I feel humilated beyond belief and angry? I feel angrier than I ever have. He even just came in here to ourhome office to ask me to come swimming with him tonight after dinner. WTF?!! I don’t get it.

    I will be looking for an apartment tommorrow. I wish I could tell you things were different Sweetie but they are worse. My head knows that this is the right thing for me but my heart is soooooo far behind and oh am I ever angry.

    How are things with you Love? What is going in your world? How are the boys? Your LI?? I have missed you and think of you often and you are in my prayers. I love you TW and thank you so much for checking on me. XOXOXO

  232.  #232TW on August 3, 2009 at 4:05 pm

    My heart goes out to you my love… I am so sorry to hear that Charles is an ass still but I am glad to hear that you are moving on with your life and finding an apartment. He is so full of himself but he will miss you when you are gone because you are a good woman. I know his words hurt but you have to be faithful to yourself and live and find someone that is going to cherish you and be there for you. Charles is a closet mental case and needs help and there is nothing you can do about that. He has to want to get help for himself.

    Things are up and down with my LI. We have moved from being just friends to I dont understand what. HE brought the situation to me that he did not want our relationship to ruin our friendship so I asked him did he want to go back to strictly being friends and he said no that he wanted to take our relationship one step at a time so that is what we have been doing. One day at a time but I am confused as to if he meant that he was committed to only me. That is what it seems but he gets distant still you know. It is like he is afraid to get to close to me. The other day we were talking about engagement rings and you already know that he said like 2 months ago that he was not reay to get married but the other day he said if you have a size 6 on your finger then you will need a 5.5 because that is a lot of money to spend on a ring for you to lose it. I said will I get the ring before 2010 is over and he said you will know exactly when it is time. Whatever that means but that is a step above I am not ready. The boys are great… Growing more and more every day.

  233.  #233Uschi on September 6, 2009 at 5:25 pm

    Yes I too feel something like going back but I cant and the only thing that is with me still today is my talent and ability to work with flowers and make others happy with them. I am from Germany and so many times I think back of the times and wanting to go back to Germany. However recently I had to realize that going back would mean going to an almost new place with just a few things still there that used to be. The city will be the same with new additions and some changes to some. Sometimes I get homesick, but I know it is a homesickness for what used to be what will never be again and I have to go on and look forward, but in doing so I am taking with me what used to be it’s just always there and I am not sure if it ever will go away cause it is a part of me. So the part of me when I was young and the things I did are they still with me and how can I take that now and be what I want to be.