From Toxic In Love To Simply Loved

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Depositphotos_3301894_XSEssentially, intimacy is scary.

For some of us, it’s terrifying.

Going with a man who doesn’t light our fire, yet offers us true intimacy is a very confusing thing.

Staying away from a man who lights our fire but doesn’t offer or want true intimacy with us is painful and yet strangely comforting an attractive.

For me – it takes the will to be willing to be available, and to practice.

Working with imaginary men and imaginary circumstances, using the Modern Siren Tools in front of our mirrors, in the shower, in the kitchen – this is REAL “training” we can give ourselves.

We can do this constantly throughout each day, practicing new words, new body bearing, new feelings, new ways to shift from our heads to our hearts.

We can learn, in baby-steps, to open up to not-so-scary things like trees, flowers, dogs, and move slowly to open up to ourselves and our feelings.

And then, through Circular Dating – regardless of where we are in the “real world” at any given moment, we practice with humans in the flesh.

We take it out of our imaginations (and, truly, our imaginations are as “real” to our brains as what we consider real life – just not as intense), and onto the “street.”

We take it into our personal lives with our family, friends, lovers, husbands, dates, the men at the shop counter and the men at the speed dating event, the men at the party, the men at the bar.

Here’s where “real men” in “real circumstances” take it up a notch, triggering us and forcing us to choose between our old ways and new ways we’re learning.

This is the Rori Raye Method in a nutshell.

It’s about learning to NOT think. Learning to feel.

And though it’s about not thinking, it’s still about practicing Tools that require you to be aware of where you are and what you’re choosing at any given moment – in a heart, body and sensation sense.

Love, Rori

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86 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on August 27, 2016 at 6:32 pm

    Thank you Rori for all the help and advice you provide to us women



  2.  #2Tee on August 28, 2016 at 6:46 am

    Agreed



  3.  #3IamHis on August 29, 2016 at 3:37 am

    I miss him. 🙁 I have a million what ifs and anger.

    Rori, I have a question about your new “Have It All” program. I am interested, but not sure if it’s a class or emails or videos or sounds that I am paying for?

    I think I want to learn to be a relationship coach. I feel terrified of the financial investment, of putting myself & the truth about myself out there. But I also feel incredibly intrigued & hopeful & know I have so much to offer.

    What does this new affordable program include?



  4.  #4Azure Blu on August 29, 2016 at 9:17 am

    Ohhh… My
    I was sooo touched by the timeliness of this post!!! Thank you Rori for all that you share
    and your generous heart!!!
    You’ll never know how transforming and healing and
    how much Happiness you have brought ME.

    I think MORE change can happen, as I work through my rage and anger…
    as Rori says here… continue to ask myself…
    WHAT ARE YOU FEELING RIGHT NOW, Darling Azure…
    out of my head… and into my heart…

    I’ve gotten so much better with – Calm and easily expressing my feelings
    in tense moments
    with my children, sister, mother and father and friends…

    Its the intimate relationship with men
    that I still get extremely triggered!
    Ahhh… baby step baby steps!!
    I CAN do this… relax



  5.  #5Millie on August 29, 2016 at 11:19 am

    Hi ladies!!
    This post is so perfect for me and my place right now! Lots of cding happening for me!! I am experiencing exactly what Rori says in the beginning of her post. One of the men who is seeing me is exactly what I’m looking for, he makes me feel wonderful and I am at ease with him, I am attracted to him, not by physical chemistry, but by who he is. He doesn’t light my fire in the traditional sense of the word, but it is amazing to feel how everything else is there and how at ease I am with him. Another man lights my fire, but I feel very anxious around because he openly admits to not trusting himself.

    Anyway my question is about the first man… I would feel more attracted to him if he took better care of himself grooming wise. While he is physically fit and clean, how he wears his hair and the clothes he picks.. Kind of turn me off. He also has a ruddy complexion and I know he is a man’s man so it would not be his nature to care about investing in skincare products that could help him… If things progress I would want a man who takes more care and pride in his appearance. How would I approach this subject? Right now, this is the only area I find fault in him, everything else I find wonderful. I also work in fashion and would want to bring my man to events and around my friends without feeling embarrassed over his looks. I know that may sound petty, but I want a high status man to match my status. Thoughts and suggestions?



  6.  #6Indigo on August 30, 2016 at 8:08 am

    Millie,

    My experience with men has been that when they feel safe with a woman, they are more than willing to take direction from her in the area of their appearance. It all depends on how you do it. You never want to come across as critical, or judgmental, or as if you are not attracted to him, and especially not as if you are telling him what to do. When you are in a more established relationship, I would honestly suggest buying him clothes for his birthday or Christmas that you think will look good on him, or asking him if he would be willing to go clothes shopping for himself with you. You can make this a fun and flattering experience, filled with praise. The other thing you could try in the early stages of dating, which is absolutely fail-safe in my experience, is saying how hot you find it when guys wear XYZ, or when a guy has an XYZ hairstyle, or that you find well-groomed skin/nails/eyebrows really sexy. Also praise him when he wears something that makes him look good, gush and tell him how hot it looks on him.

    Personally, I have a weakness for guys in well-fitted long sleeved shirts, especially gorgeous cotton ones with a nice neckline, or a beautiful smart ironed collared shirt. Trust me when I say that a few well-timed comments and compliments go a very long way with a guy. You could also offer to help him… a little known fact about my relationship with J is that he asks me to do his eyebrows! Like I said, men will generally take lots of direction from women in this area as long as it doesn’t sound like criticism.



  7.  #7Azure Blu on August 30, 2016 at 12:21 pm

    Indigo!!
    WoW… can’t believe you got to do his eyebrows…

    What Great personal hygene and fashion ideas
    to encourage your man to look good!!
    I’m taking notes!!!



  8.  #8Azure Blu on August 30, 2016 at 1:02 pm

    Sirens,
    I’m feeling like I’ve made another baby step
    In walking away from Spirit…

    It feels like it might be because – I’ve started digging deeper
    into why **I** get so very triggered
    and too agitated and accusitory when Spirit brings up politics or religion
    the last time was when he didn’t invite me to attend a family function …

    So I STOPPED pointing my finger at him…
    and began to think about how and why I am displaying these angry meltdowns…
    What part of me is sooo very frightened???
    and I began to feel in my heart…
    that I want to move away from the person that I feel triggered by
    and discover and learn more about me… and heal
    I am bored with being angry AND left out of his life

    So Spirit started making plans for us for the holiday weekend…
    and after carefully listening to my heart…
    I text “Thank you, but I have plans Friday-Monday with my family.”
    He called and said is there something wrong… (I feel good that he asked what was wrong right away)
    and I was able to share with him what I was feeling
    (because I had been practicing my script)
    in a calm and soft way…
    “I’ve been thinking about my life and realized that I have become
    angry and volitile every time we are together…
    It is disrespectful and I apologize.”
    He said “Well it is hard to handle when you create these scenes in public…
    and I said “I know… I hate that I do that!!! I am very sorry!”
    ” I’ve tried many things to try and stop myself but nothing is working!!”
    He said “Well maybe you’re right… lets take this weekend as a break and call me and we can talk or something…. ”
    He went on to say: “I know it takes two to tango and I can be very difficult to deal with…. there is that.”
    I didn’t reply to that but said… “I don’t know but I am very tired of being angry and upset.”
    He said “Ok, have a good weekend. I’ll just be golfing and hanging out with my friends.”

    I am scared… of NOT being with the good parts of Spirit…
    BUT very ready to let go of ALLL the rest of the Toxic parts…

    Huggs darling Azure… – The vision I have of MY Relationship does not fit
    with this man…



  9.  #9Millie on August 30, 2016 at 11:28 pm

    Indigo!!! Thank you so much for the suggestions!! I can really visualize doing that and receiving a positive response from this man! I am noticing so much with him, how I STOP intimacy and how I can be cold. I think I am cold because I am afraid of being vulnerable. And I am afraid to be with the wrong man, one that others will judge, or that I will subconsciously feel like I’m “settling” for. In any event, i do feel good with him and I am happy to see him, so I will keep doing what feels good regardless of what I suspect others will say.

    For so long I wanted to meet “the one” and I still do, but now…am finding myself not wanting to rush into exclusivity or into a relationship. I want to keep my options open, and I want to sleep with multiple people! Ah is that bad?! Marriage is suddenly feeling like a trap and something I don’t want. Literally overnight. Having many different men around me is feeling good, but I’m also feeling this urge to leave. This HUGE urge to leave my job, to travel, to go, to live off the cuff, without structure, impulsively, to meet random men in my travels, not be tied down. Am i fantasizing? 100% I am. Realistically I cannot afford to do that, but it’s funny… once men show up… how different your desires are. No longer do I feel the pain of lack of men…now I feel annoyance at the quality of men… as much as I enjoy them for who they are.. I know I want more/better/different.. As Pat Allen says. Does that mean I am a masculine woman? Maybe… part of me is impatient. I don’t want to take what I’m given. I want to make my own life, sleep with who I want because I want to, and be a b*tch. Do I have to be this sweet, understanding woman? “Passive, patient, and vulnerable.” As she says…. She says not to sleep with a man until he is committed, but I am finding that WHAT IF I DONT WANT TO COMMIT, but I want sex? That sounds completely masculine!!! What if I am masculine? but I don’t want to be with a feminine man because that would be completely boring!!!! So I am narcissist. That makes sense. I want everything and nothing.

    With this other CD who has painted himself in a bad light, I don’t know what to do exactly. Part of me just wants to be masculine and sleep with him, enjoy him, all the while knowing he isn’t “the one,” and the other part says I should be “high value” and walk away. But why am I preserving myself? I don’t know, I’m feeling “over it” in the sense of all of this Pat Allen stuff…about waiting for sex until commitment. What if I don’t want to commit to him? but I enjoy being physically pleasured by him? Or just his company in general? But I know getting invested is the issue… Yes I’d love a wonderful, perfect man to show up as all the coaches say will happen when you are in the right frame of mind…. I wish that was today, but it isn’t… so since it isn’t, I want to do what I want and maybe that isn’t being feminine. UGH I don’t know. Honestly, no amount of receiving has felt as good as it did from M. It has not compared. That guy really did a number on me… and I hate that thats the truth. I hate that when we talk now, there is no passion. He doesn’t even like me. That experience has changed the way I experience relationships…..baggage. It’s baggage, that I can’t get rid of. Now, I just feel like every guy is going to disappear… especially because none have exhibited the level of intensity that M did… so if they like me LESS than he did, they are more likely to bounce. I want to run, run, run away…from all.



  10.  #10Victoria on August 31, 2016 at 2:44 am

    Millie,
    First of all, congratulations for being so honest about how you feel, it is lovely and refreshing to read. I also sometimes don’t know what I want, or I want to conflicting things at the same time. I think this is normal and human. Clarity comes at its own time, and one of the best things I have learnt from Rori is to love and enjoy the chaos, and the confusion, and not fight it.
    About the man who does not dress well… I share Indigo’s point of view (Indigo your reply was absolutely brilliant). Most men I dated dressed badly but greatly improved with gentle suggestions and gifts. The men I know who dress really well have a certain femininity about them (I call them “primadonnas”) and I still have never met the balanced in-between. I also want to alert you that it is extremely rare to see a couple with a pretty woman and a handsome man, you will disproportinonately see stunning women with average looking men. I guess this is gow nature has intended it to be :-).
    As to the men in your life… I think that you need to allow yourself the option that none of them is the man who you will be happy and comfortable with long term, and that this is still ok. There is no rush, there is no urgency.



  11.  #11Grace on August 31, 2016 at 6:22 am

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/why-are-you-there/

    Why Are You There?

    Here’s a letter from Leslie (and my long, rambling answer) that can help you in so many ways:

    “Hello, Rori. I’m 58 years old and have a long history doing all the things you discuss that don’t work. I’m very successful at them! However, I have been single for 27 years and still seriously long to be in a committed, long-term relationship with a man who is deeply in love with me. I’m really good at being in love, I’m an expert at that, too! But I have not been an expert at selecting a man who is in love with me and wants to keep me in his life because I am precious to him. Thanks! Leslie”

    My Answer:
    Leslie, you’ve done all the stuff (just like I used to do) that doesn’t work.

    Very much Overfunctioning – and you’ve been single for a long time and you’d love to be in a committed relationship with a man, but you’re so used to choosing men who don’t love you that’s it hard to know if a guy is going to love you.

    So – here’s my question for you:

    Do You Really Want To Be Loved?
    Would you really, actually like having the attention of love showered on you? Would you really actually like to have somebody love you?

    Think about it. Imagine it.

    Leslie is essentially asking if she would really like being loved and – this sounds really silly to you if you’ve been suffering, working hard for love.

    It sounds crazy, but it’s the truth somewhere deep inside us all. Do we REALLY want to be loved?

    That’s the question here.

    The questions to ask yourself over and over are this:

    Where am I not forgiving myself?
    Why am I punishing myself?
    Why am I choosing relationships where I’m not being loved?
    Why am I falling for men who aren’t available emotionally?
    Why am I spending a year of my life in a relationship with a man who is clearly not doing what men are supposed to do?
    What do I know or think from what I’ve seen in the movies and the books that I’m not getting?
    What do I think I’m supposed to have?
    What do I think I deserve?
    And – the big one:

    If a man isn’t doing the job – Why am I here?

    The question is ALWAYS: Why am I here?
    And again: Where am I not forgiving myself? Why am I punishing myself with bad relationships?

    …and the answer it not – because there are no good men out there, or because I don’t know how to meet men.

    It has nothing to do with them.

    If you don’t have a skill set, it’s because you’re punishing yourself and you’re choosing (in a way that’s being run by your subconscious so you hardly even know you’re “choosing” men at all!) to be around men who don’t love you.

    So – Would you really like to be loved?

    What’s Most Important To You – Chemistry Or Love?
    Is being loved by him more important to you than the chemistry, the intensity of love you want to feel for him?

    Because this is the direction we all have to go in – forgetting about chemistry and opening up to love.

    Chemistry is small, superficial, wrongly intense, and misleading.

    Love is deep, big, wide, expansive, and lets you become your best, most full-bodied and fulfilled self.

    We want to deny our assumptions, our patterns, our bad “man pickers,” our chemically induced attractions and what we “think” about a man.

    And focus EXCLUSIVELY on allowing ourselves to be loved.

    And then simply choose a man from all the men who love us.

    Sounds simple, and it is. It’s just not what we’re used to. It feels weird and wrong. but it’s the way to go.

    Baby Steps
    So – we’ve got baby steps here – Circular Dating. Practicing Feeling Messages. Sticking to the 4 Rules.

    Becoming more and more exquisitely aware of what’s going on inside you:

    What you’re saying and doing.

    How your “vibe” is creating attraction to you – or, if you’re finding yourself instinctively “chasing” after a man you’re attracted to.

    That’s what my whole program is about. Baby stepping.

    That’s why Circular Dating is so helpful – because you get out there, you flirt with, open up to, connect with every man, woman and child that walks across your path.

    You start to become aware of how you feel, and you start to practice expressing how you feel.

    You are done with superficiality.

    You are now about going deeper.

    Only Consider a Man Who’s Into You And Makes You Feel Secure – No Matter HOW Long You’ve Been Dating Him
    If a guy really looks at you and walks up to you, do you want to run away? Do you think there’s something wrong with him? Do you immediately think that you’re not attracted to him?

    Bottom line – the only man you should even consider giving the “time of day” is a man that walks up to you and wants to love you.Everybody else is just out of consideration!

    And yet – we all instinctivelylook at men who come up to us and we just kind of dismiss them!

    I want you to make these men who are interested in you your only pool.

    I want you ALWAYS to feel secure about where you stand with a man.

    Men who are not available – men you have to chase – are simply not considerable.

    If you want to be loved, where a man is actually giving love to you that you can return and that you can feel comfortable and secure in for the rest of your life – then you have to be careful and very vigilant to only allow men near you at all who are loving you, even if they’re only doing it temporarily.

    Circular dating allows for these guys who are just good three month, four month guys where they can only love you for three or four months and then they run.

    It allows for that because you’re not hung up with them. It’s nice to have a guy all over you! And he’s in contention until he stops loving you. Pretty simple because the guy who’s there for the long term doesn’t stop loving you.

    Sometimes a man backs off because he feels disrespected or that he can’t make us happy or we’re doing something to push him away.

    So, that is the key there for you. You only look at the pool of men who are loving to you and then you start watching your behavior around them to see how you’re pushing them away.

    The Four Rules work here. If you’re closing off your heart and lying to men, if you’re not opening your heart and body to them…this is how you practice little by little by little to let guys in.

    And this is how, Leslie, you’re going to find out if you’d actually like having the attention of being loved….

    I’m going to tell you that at this moment – you might not like it, but we can change that.

    You don’t like it right now, but that’s because – now we’re back to the basic questions above:

    Where are you not forgiving yourself and why are you punishing yourself?

    You Can Love A Man Who Loves You And Who Is NOT Going Anywhere
    You deserve love, girl. I’m telling you you deserve it – and that a man who is pleasant and a good lover and who loves you is way better than a hot guy who’s gorgeous but who doesn’t love you.

    I know that sounds bad. It’s not like the great chemical kind of excitement that you see in the movies, but over the long haul you as a woman are capable beyond measure of falling in love with a man who loves you even if it starts out where all you feel is pleasantness.

    I know this for a fact in my own life and I’ve seen it in clients. I’ve also seen this happen, so I want to give you this disclaimer: A guy who’s just nice and a friend and you give him a shot. So, he’s there and he loves you and he treats you great. You go out for six, 10 dates and you throw your lot in with him and then three months later he dumps you and you go, “What the hell? This is a guy I would never have considered before. He wasn’t great looking. He wasn’t fantastic. The chemistry wasn’t there. I didn’t consider him and here it still didn’t work.”

    Okay and what I’m going to say to that is this: You don’t know – there’s no way for us to know what a guy is really made out of until he puts the ring on your finger and we’re at the altar and the marriage happens and even then we may not know. If you have been ignoring the red flags your whole life, you’re going to miss them. You’re going to miss the red flags.

    He may look good. He may come on loving, but he may have as much difficulty with intimacy as you do. So, what you want to do is Circular Date with these guys. Don’t throw yourself in with them for like the first three or four months. Don’t say, “Okay. I’ll be exclusive.” Just say, “I really want to see if you are all that you’re cracked up to be. I really want to see if this is going to last. I’m willing to give you a shot.”

    Circular Dating Works Because YOU ALWAYS Have The Power To WALK AWAY!

    Now, I know how hard this seems because we want to have a boyfriend. We want to have a man around, but just think of it this way – What would it be like – and I want you to consider this possibility of having four boyfriends all at the same time and sleeping with them all (and I hear you all laughing going, “No, no, no. Can’t do that”)…

    I just want you to just get really outlandish here. Go in the other direction from where you feel most “comfortable.”

    I think that would make you happy – sleeping with 4 men at the same time! I think that would make me happy. Who wouldn’t want that?

    At least the FREEDOM to do that?

    That’s how guys feel and I think that you would like that, too! And then you’d get to choose from all of them.

    Now, you don’t have to sleep with all four of them, but it’s okay. Yeah, you can sleep with one of them and date four of them. You can. The thing is your guilt and the fact that you don’t think it’s the right thing for you to do is getting in your way.

    Back again to: Where am I not forgiving myself? Why am I punishing myself? Why have I made that decision that I’m not allowed to have one lover and still date three other men? Who told me that? Where is it written?

    I’m here to tell you it’s not written anywhere except in your own brain.

    You get to make up your own life.

    You get to stay completely open and STILL choose!

    Love, Rori

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  12.  #12Grace on August 31, 2016 at 6:29 am

    Where am I not forgiving myself???

    I’m noticing urges and feelings of wanting revenge and wanting to GET BACK at someone from my past. I really really REALLY feel like I want to “stick it to him” and make him suffer.

    Where am I not forgiving MYSELF?

    Hmm…



  13.  #13Azure Blu on August 31, 2016 at 8:21 am

    Grace!!!
    Spot on, bold Siren!!!
    it is like peeling an onion… a VERY big onion with lots and lots of layers!!!
    I am thinking it should be an everday thing with me…
    working on self forgiveness – carefully, gently to release my innoncent heart
    from all this self loathing (i’m imagining that’s part of it!!)

    and Spirit is the latest in the long line of men I have hired to NOT love me…
    And shine a mirror on my beautiful, loving heart!!!
    So I can learn to love me more and forgive ME more!



  14.  #14Indigo on September 1, 2016 at 4:21 am

    Millie,

    I find it ironic that Dr Pat Allen says that, when she is nothing like that herself. I cannot listen to the woman for longer than 10 seconds.

    Be yourself. If you are open to your own answers, they will come to you.



  15.  #15Grace on September 1, 2016 at 10:40 am

    Azure – for what it’s worth, I used to have constant angry outbursts with exes as well, although they had a higher tolerance for drama and seemed to be ok with it.. What I discovered about ME, is that they always followed on the heels of saying ‘yes’ to something when I really mean “no” or “maybe” or anything that I didn’t feel totally on board with.

    A break sounds like a wonderful idea and I’m wondering if you’ve been honoring your need for space?



  16.  #16Dixie on September 1, 2016 at 3:58 pm

    Sirens,

    Just waving from over here. I’ve been catching up on the updates here and it feels SO good to hear your voices!

    Millie…. Wow wow wow. I am amazed at all the changes in your life. Yay for you!



  17.  #17Dixie on September 1, 2016 at 4:08 pm

    Rori,

    I love this post! This whole experience -learning and practicing the tools- has opened my heart in ways I could not imagine.

    And learning how to give voice to my feelings has been a tremendous shift. I used to be very scared of voicing my feelings (and I have to say that going to a counsellor finally to deal with the trauma of divorce has helped too). But learning to stay open, vulnerable, feminine…. That by itself has given me wings.

    The other day D. called me his princess. I looked at this man, and he suddenly looked so bashful about saying that, but I told him how good that felt to hear that and he lit up like a Christmas tree. I have learned to embrace alllll my vulnerabilities and this has made such a difference in how I love myself.



  18.  #18patti on September 2, 2016 at 11:35 am

    Well



  19.  #19patti on September 2, 2016 at 12:01 pm

    Well I finally met the man you say is the one more attracted. Low and behold I finally came over to his side. He loves me more then anyone before, what a feeling……I have never had that. We met on a dating site…..dated for a yr and he asked me to move in. He told me from the start that we would not marry, but this house would be mine also. I could use my money for myself. He pays for everything. I really didn’t want to get married again at first either, but now after 2 more yrs, it’s starting to feel right. I mentioned a pre-nup, but that doesn’t cover keeping enough of his financials safe. I said how about getting a lawyer too. He said it’s not enough as far as the state is concerned, as it still all goes to the wife. His grown kids are all well off and they will not expect much. But neither do I and that’s what I wanted to put in writing. I do not need his hard earned money he worked for. I just wanted something fair put down on paper. Has anyone else ever had to deal with this. Please and thank you.



  20.  #20nyx on September 2, 2016 at 6:17 pm

    @ Victoria

    First I want to tell you I have learnt so much from you, about personal value, about stopping focusing on one man. thank you SO much!
    But- I do not agree with your acceptance of this: “I also want to alert you that it is extremely rare to see a couple with a pretty woman and a handsome man, you will disproportinonately see stunning women with average looking men. I guess this is gow nature has intended it to be :-). ”
    I do not agree. I am sorry but personally I interpret this as a way to cement old gender roles. “Women are to be pretty, men are enough when witty”.. ” or “rich”, “successful”, “famous”, whatever. I just do not agree.
    I went to uni with a beautiful- well- not stunning, just healthy-average- looking girl who used to date a male model who was head-over-heels for her. She told me she had so much trouble to accept the thought that this goodlooking guy would go for her as she was “just” averagelooking. But then, she asked herself “Why shouldn’t he want me?”. And this was it.
    (She eventually broke up due to lack of chemistry.)

    Sorry Victoria, this is not personal. But I’d rather not read another statement of what is common(“normal?”), that we women contribute beauty(which fades with age) while men contribute what? Success? Wittiness?(Which increase with age). Nah, As a woman with looks who doesn’t value “looks” I am not signing up for this. I am not signing up for that being “how nature has intended it to be”? Give me a reason- or rather a few- why this is “how nature has intended it to be”. Why should I expect to try to look gorgeous while being with a not-stunning guy? Why should any average- looking guy expect a gorgeous-looking woman while we women shouldn’t expect a gorgeous guy?
    Again- I don’t value people from what they look like. But I DO question why looks seem to be an important factor when men choose women and yet it isn’t supposed to be any factor when women choose men? Sorry, what?
    Nah. I like to take care of myself, and I expect ANY guy approaching me to do the same- and this goes both physically and mentally. Worth noting is also that here, in Sweden-when in a couple, guys and girls are more “equal” in looks- at least the younger generations. Why would this vary/change between countries/ generations if this is “how nature intended it to be”?



  21.  #21Victoria on September 2, 2016 at 8:39 pm

    Nyx,
    I guess I made a bad choice of words since it seems to have triggered you a lot or you have some particular personal experience around this topic. In any case I have not meant to hurt your feelings and I offer you my apologies.
    My observation seems to be statistically valid for me ( I take back that nature meant anything, this was basically a figure of speech and I did not expect you to interpret it that “this is is how it should be “.
    As for personal experience, I have only once dated a man who was better looking than me, if such a comparison is possible at all. Let’s say he had the looks ( and carisma) to have strange women talk him up and offer their phone numbers, I still fantasize about him once in a while, unfortunately things did not work out between us, but boy, was he gorgeous. the man I am dating now is not so hot but treats me like gold. I think I am very lucky to be with him.



  22.  #22Daria on September 7, 2016 at 7:47 am

    http://fnd.us/71A5e2?ref=sh_c5vOz0

    GODDESSSES! PLEASE! Baby of my Native American sister wants help for medicine. They are 7 young people in a family living on the land. Please use your cards and help!

    I love you! Please do this for Daria. HELP MY SISTER!!!!!!!



  23.  #23Mistea1 on September 7, 2016 at 2:32 pm

    Hi fellow Sirens
    It’s been a while since I’ve been here. I see Victoria and Azure Blue are still as supportive as ever. I’m so thankful for your help with MusicCD. I still chuckle over the ‘organ’ playing. What a trip that was, and I learned a lot. After a year and a half I went to one of his recitals and was just as thrilled as the first time I heard him. This time though I just listened and left.

    I’m here to get a refresher on the CDing and feeling messages etc. I guess when one doesn’t grow up in this atmosphere it needs some reinforcing periodically.

    I got a type of stress induced illness as part of the fallout of the stress of Music CD. Finally after 7 months all my efforts to learn from this experience, reduce stress, close off contact with toxic family members, relatives and friends, diet, exercise, sleep and relaxation are starting to pay off. I feel like a different person.

    Now I have a friendly relationship with very young man who also is talented as a classical musician. He is still in college. We went to the park to do qi gong and talk energy movement. What fun.

    It was interesting to note that when I stood next to MusicCD and psychically leaned toward him there was nothing there. Now when HPCD (happy puppy) gives me a sidewise hug he is very solid. There is 50 years between them and it was interesting to feel the difference. Maybe some here can play around with this type of feeling and what it is telling them. I’d like to know what you find out. I think you might have to do this before you get to the point of having sex though.

    I wouldn’t mind playing Mrs. Robinson I suppose. 🙂 (Mrs. Robinson was the older woman to Dustin Hoffman’s college student in an older movie.)

    ((Millie)) You sound like you know so much more than you did before. I feel very happy for your hard won maturity.

    ((VIctoria)) Congratulations, you sound happy and content. Is M the same as the dr.?

    ((Azure Blue)) Your comments still sparkle as always! I admire your way of relationship with Spirit. You are both learning from each other. Yes?

    ((Indigo)) You have such a way of commenting that is very compassionate yet pithy. Thank you. Did you ever move to a different country?

    ((Rori Raye)) I appreciate you very much. I never learned about this feeling part of relationships from my family. I don’t know if you talked about this much but I found that the feeling expressions I used very helpful in identifying and weeding out the most damaged ones. They couldn’t tolerate me doing this. The ones who can hear the feeling parts drink it in like elixir. The most fun one was ‘the look’. Oh my, it made me feel delicious. Thanks a bunch.



  24.  #24HeartBeat on September 7, 2016 at 7:51 pm

    Hello Ladies,
    I’m feeling frustrated and confused with a situation and with trying to find a suitable solution suggested by Rori and it would feel great to hear any ideas or suggestions that you might have.
    Long story short a good friend of mine is newly married and she and her husband are renovating their house together.
    The problem is that her husband believes himself to be handyman capable of doing repairs/constructions as well as a professional. This however is disastrously untrue, Damage is being caused to the home and my friend is hugely anxious and enraged that some kind of accident harm could be caused to him or them both. Exposed electrical wires, almost accidental demolition of a supporting wall, gas lines- it’s a nightmare.
    She has shared her feelings with him (she wrote what I thought was a great script and choose her timing well), he has openly listened to her and acknowledged her feelings, however he is convinced that he is capable so although he reassures her, he continues to work on the house when she is/isn’t there.
    Initially she felt afraid to say anything as she thought that this would be disrespecting his masculine. Then when she shared the feeling message that she doesn’t feel safe staying in the house, he was annoyed and offended. She is newly married and is afraid that to move out would cause serious damage to her relationship as things have gotten increasingly tense between them.

    As we have both looked through Rori and her coach’s articles a lot of articles refer to circular dating and letting the right man show up, however that does not apply here.
    She’s frightened and distressed and rightfully so. Privately I imagine myself in her position and I feel panic and anger and confusion. She is not in a financial position to have coaching and as she has no family nearby if she were to move out she would need to be able to fund doing so herself- which is looking increasingly unlikely.

    I want to know, in a real world situation like this what is a good course of action?
    I feel worried for my friend. I feel love and affection for this person and she asked me to post a comment on Rori’s site if I thought it might be helpful.
    Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

    Thank you.
    HeartBeat



  25.  #25Grace on September 8, 2016 at 8:59 am

    I had a loooovvvely interaction with a first date last night!
    I didn’t feel much of a spark, but I felt good, and interested enough that I wanted to stay. At some point he asked me how I was feeling, and I told him – “I feel…well, not exactly disappointed but I feel blah. I feel meh. I’m not feeling sexy or playful. We had a great banter before and now in person it feels flat. I don’t want to feel this way, I want to feel lighthearted and easy and fun and excited.” I stretch out my arms across the table, palms up, “I don’t know what to do about it.”

    I say this while our eyes are locked, I feel completely comfortable saying this, there is no ‘wrong’ in my vibe that I can feel, simply sharing the facts.

    He responds, our eyes still locked, “Well, as a people pleaser, I want to fix this, I want to make it right, I don’t want you to feel this way either but I don’t want to try to fix it right now. I think you’re expecting me to come up with some sort of “right” answer but I don’t have one.”

    I tell the truth – “I’m feeling how good all this eye contact feels. I love eye contact. It feels good to be silent right now.”

    He visibly relaxed and exhaled with a big whoosh – “Oh, wow, well, that takes all the pressure off of me to come up with the right thing to say. Now that I know you aren’t expecting me to say the right thing I want to say how much I appreciate being able to be silent with someone.”

    So, we’re silent for a few moments, then the energy shifts, we’re both smiling, then we start cracking silly jokes and ended up having a lot of fun.

    Years ago that silence would have felt AGONIZING, I would have probably felt irritated and annoyed that I wasn’t feeling as good as I wanted to feel and would have gotten snappy and blamey. The more I think about it, the more proud I feel….that I felt so comfortable with me that HE felt comfortable enough to let go…wow. He kept thanking me over and over for being honest.

    happythankyoumoreplease!



  26.  #26Indigo on September 9, 2016 at 1:34 am

    Mistea 23,

    Lovely to see you again. Thank you for the compliment *blushes*

    My boyfriend and I plan to move to a different country together as soon as we have saved up the money.



  27.  #27Victoria on September 9, 2016 at 3:58 am

    Mistea!
    It is great to see you again.
    The dr. is history, the man I am dating now is someone else, The dr. was a lost cause, I can’t believe how much time and effort I spent trying to fit a square peg in a round hole (or vice versa, I never seem to remember the phrase). The excuse I have given myself is that he was simply a very good looking devil. and I am a sucker for looks, what a shame.
    What else have you been up to?



  28.  #28Victoria on September 9, 2016 at 4:00 am

    Mistea!
    It is great to see you again.
    The dr. is history, the man I am dating now is someone else, The dr. was a lost cause, I can’t believe how much time and effort I spent trying to fit a square peg in a round hole (or vice versa, I never seem to remember the phrase). The excuse I have given myself is that he was simply a very good looking mother f888r. and I am a sucker for looks, what a shame.
    What else have you been up to?



  29.  #29Indigo on September 9, 2016 at 5:07 am

    Heartbeat 24,

    My own opinion, and it may not be what you or your friend want to hear or others may not agree, is that your friend needs to tread very carefully here. This is his house as well as hers, and moreover this is something he regards as his “domain” or jurisdiction, a man’s job to do and fix these things. This doesn’t make it right or excusable, and I can fully understand your friend’s feelings. But it does mean that this issue is one which needs to be handled with some care and sensitivity. Any of us who’ve been in a relationship with a man know how sensitive they are to anything which sounds like criticism to their masculinity, so the way it’s handled is everything. A feeling message which still sounds as if he is doing something wrong is not going to work. If it were me I would try and get him to consult with someone who knows what they are doing (men only listen to other men on such matters, sorry but it’s true.) Maybe your friend has a male family member or friend, or some other connection, who could come and give him a hand. That way it doesn’t have to come from her, it doesn’t have to seem like he is being scolded by his wife.

    Also, don’t houses need electrical compliance certificates? Don’t they need to comply with building regulations etc.? She can always say that they need to get the certification done and then he will be forced to make the house safe. If she gets really desperate she can perhaps go and stay with a family member or friend and say she is not comfortable in the house at the moment.



  30.  #30Tereana on September 10, 2016 at 5:25 am

    Hi Ladies, lovely sirens –

    I have been MIA from the blog for a while, actually on principle. I was boycotting it a little bit because I had read that Rori removed a post from someone who had had a not-so-helpful experience with one of her coaches. I felt uncomfortable with the idea that this blog was not the safe kind of space where we women could share those kinds of feelings. It struck me as almost authoritarian, how the post was removed. And Rori had said that only she was allowed to “have opinions” on the blog.

    Yes, I get that we are not supposed to express our opinions always with a man. But, a, some men might actually like our opinions; some men can be turned on by feisty, confident, opinionated women who are also deeply feminine. And, b, even if we don’t express our opinions to a man, why does that mean we have to suppress them on the blog as well? I felt wary and uncomfortable of a double standard. And so I took a break.

    And so, Rori, if you read this, I hope you don’t censor my message also. You know that I’ve followed the blog for years. It has helped me and influenced me so much. I want to feel free to express who I am here, and I want others to feel the same way.

    And now that I have cleared that out of my system, there is another reason I am here today…



  31.  #31Tereana on September 10, 2016 at 5:37 am

    So the real reason I am here today is that I need the community. I need some support. I need to vent some feelings and frustrations and anxieties and clusters of feelings I am trying to sort out, but I don’t fully understand.

    Because recently, I’ve started seeing a man. It’s been about two months. He is shy about fully expressing himself – and we’ve talked about it – but I can tell that he loves me. He shows that he loves me in a lot of ways. And I appreciate those ways, and as much as possible, I try to show when I am pleased. And yet, I find that I don’t feel fully satisfied. I am waiting for that moment when everything clicks and I “know” that I am loved. He even says that I should feel that way all the time. And then I just feel annoyed that he is telling me how to feel. lololol ack

    So technically, I know that I am loved. I know that he loves me. Yet I feel this makes me more demanding. I feel a need to make him “prove” it to me. And when he comes up short, I can feel my little gremlins go, “aha! See? He doesn’t love you!” And I’m like, “shush, that’s not what it means.” And they’re all, “whatever.”

    All of this has been brought to a great head and kind of a cluster-mind-f*ck this week, because be decided to go on a long trip (8 days) with friends. He invited me to come along. But I could not have afforded it. And he said he could not afford to take me. And I was clear that I really, really wanted to go. But there was no more discussion of it. He was going. I was staying. That was it.

    And I missed him. I missed him terribly, like I’ve never missed anyone before. Like a visceral, deep space right behind my belly button. In the past, I’ve missed people with my head and my brain. This was waaaay different. It surprised me.

    And I know he missed me, too. The difference is, he was off having fun. I was staying in town and working. And because of the long weekend, many people were away

    It was lonely.

    (Continued in next post)



  32.  #32Tereana on September 10, 2016 at 6:06 am

    So I find myself feeling angry and resentful that he left for so long. And though he did contact me the entire time, he ignored my texts on one particular evening when I felt I really needed his support and comfort.

    I on me it’s wrong that I can assign the kind of power to him where he can influence my feelings so much. It’s just that he DOES influence my feelings so much – in positive ways. If he says he wants to make me happy all the time, why wouldn’t he want to show up and make me happy when I need it?

    And so, I feel like I am trying to solve a complex emotional math problem. He wants to make me happy. I enjoy it when he does. And sometimes I have specific requests as to *how* I might like to be made happy at certain times. But it seems like he does not give my requests a lot of attention or response. To me, they are important. To him, they seem like “light suggestions,” and he usually ends up just doing what he wants. And sometimes he goes all out of his way to “make me happy,” by doing something that I don’t want. And he doesn’t listen or hear me when I say I don’t want it.

    The end result is: I feel like my feelings don’t matter and that my desires don’t matter. And even though I know differently, and he tells me differently, I feel like *I* don’t matter.

    And I’m almost certain that I start with that feeling, and the reality follows. Because he doesn’t see it that way at all. And he *does* listen to me. But there is a disconnect. And that is what I am trying to sort out.

    Part of the disconnect is me. I feel disconnected from my desires internally. I feel that I am allowed to have them, but not necessarily that they get to be fulfilled. I am expecting him to do that for me. Because I feel powerless to do it myself. And I am replaying the oldest drama of my life, most likely between me and my parents when I was an infant and most likely *was* pretty powerless. My desires didn’t matter then. And I am still trying, crying, to have them matter, with little or no response.

    One solution – my oldest and most reliable solution – is to simply not have desires. If I push my wants and needs away, no one can disappoint me. But actually, it means *everyone* disappoints me.

    I am lucky that this man is so strong, and optimistic. I am lucky that he loves me so much that he stayed with me, even when we were fighting. He never wants to leave my side until I am smiling and happy. And I feel like I am just making life harder and harder for him. And I’m not trying to.

    But I can feel myself reaching that stage of involvement where I feel attached, and this leads to me both pushing away and pulling close, and sometimes wanting both at once.

    They say that we encounter similar situations over and over again so that we can learn and eventually make different choices.

    Last night was the first night he’s been back since his trip. He insisted we go out for dinner – thinking that’s what I wanted. I said I wanted to stay in, but he didn’t hear me. I eventually went out and was miserable. I fought with him the entire time. I felt invisible and unheard. Until later, we were talking, and I finally felt that he heard me. Then I relaxed. But then he didn’t know what to do.

    He asked me if he should stay or leave. Given the recent history, I said, “what does it matter what I say?” We eventually decided he would leave, so that I could sleep. The irony of that is that I did not sleep. I have not slept even one wink this entire night. It is now 9:00 am. I am just about out of my mind. I cannot tolerate lack of sleep these days. It really messes me up.

    I wanted him to come back last night. I even called him. He called me back at 3:30 am. He asked if I wanted him to come over. I said yes! He said he would do it. Then he backtracked. He was tired from travel. But eventually he told me that was going to be at my house. I waited he has not come yet.

    I believe he will come.

    It’s weird. I could be telling myself a story that this means he doesn’t love me. I think it means he tried, but fell asleep. And I don’t want to tell myself that story. I want to make a different choice. I want peace and harmony.

    But I also want to be listened to, heard, acknowledged. Everyone wants that. I want my desires to be seen as real. How do I hold my desires as real and valuable while also releasing attachment to whether they get fulfilled or not? This is a very tricky art that I admire, but have not yet mastered.

    So is he a good man that loves me and bumbles and screws things up sometimes (often)? Probably. Is he ignorant enough that he is going to continue to railroad my disires with his own until I have no desires left? Is he both of those things? How can I speak in feeling messages that make sense to him so that the later part doesn’t take over?

    Maybe I will feel the answers to these questions as I ask them.

    This is a long post. There is just one more thing…



  33.  #33Tereana on September 10, 2016 at 6:22 am

    Timing. We match up on a lot of things, but I am very precise with my timing. He is not. I need this, because it provides structure and simplicity, where otherwise I feel chaos and uncertainty. And his lack of timing activates a specific anxiety that has to do with that sense of chaos.

    I have told him a number of times how I feel. I’ve asked him to meet me at x time a number of times now. But the reality is, he shows up when he wants. Sometimes this is accepts me to me, sometimes it’s not.

    I don’t want to reject him for being who he is. I *do* want him to accept me for being who I am, and to respect my time more. He does acknowledge this issue. He does try. But he is almost never there at the time that I ask, even when he gives me the choice.

    Again, I don’t necessarily know that this means he does not love me or care about me. He doesn’t see it that way. But I *feel* it that way. And it’s hard to shake that feeling.

    I would love to be able to be more relaxed and carefree with my time. That would be awesome. But for me to get there, I need to pass through a narrow space where the timing is important, and where there is something tangible and specific I can relate to. It’s a metric of sorts, to gauge trust.

    I feel that it wears down my trust and causes stress. And, well, maybe you could say, “don’t get so stressed.” But that’s what it does to me. Abs why is it that I should change? I want him to come toward me. To make me happy in a way that I want to be made happy.

    Ok, that’s all. Haha. Nothing much

    Just a week’s worth of frustration and two months of dating.

    And before you say it: CD-ing, yes. I flirted with guys while he was away. I kept busy. I did have some friend dates. I did what I could to stay sane. But it doesn’t mean these issues don’t bother me with respect to him and to our relationship.

    I wish I didn’t care. My ex-coworker had a boyfriend who loved her like nobody’s business. He would call her every day. When he was a jerk, she rolled her eyeballs and complained to me about him, she was always pretty sweet on the phone. Although once, she did step into another room to talk. She said they were fighting.

    I don’t want to fight with him. But why can’t I stop? Why do I keep picking fights?



  34.  #34Millie on September 10, 2016 at 11:38 am

    I can’t escape these feelings of sadness and depression. Just when I start to feel my life getting better mentally and emotionally, I fall back down. All of my CDs seem to have fallen away. Two I rejected, one stopped calling (which was a good thing) and another I thought was a true blue man who was super into me, but he hadn’t planned a date in two weekends. I feel furious at that. I guess I misjudged him… Part of me feels like ending things because I don’t want to continue spending time/communicating with someone who I don’t feel is enamoured with me. When I’m with him it seems he is crazy about me, but then these gaps in time… I don’t like it, but I don’t want to be the crazy insecure girl, which I totally am let’s be honest here. I just don’t want to feel hurt or taken advantage of.



  35.  #35Ignis on September 11, 2016 at 9:52 am

    It is been such a long time since I have been here, but I was not away from what I have learned here. I worked a bit with Dominique too and I wanted to share something with you lovely ladies.

    I went from almost entire alphabet of unavailable yet exciting men to that one mr right I married two weeks ago. The shift happened in maybe 3 years, though things got moving only last year, when this one man showed up. At the beginning I felt he is not manly enough for me, maybe to plain but, each time I let him do things, he proved me wrong. I was still dating a lot of exciting mr wrongs, but HE was there in a background waiting for an opening. And what I learned is that all the excitement is not worth much when it doesn’t come from a man that lets you be yourself and totally calm first. Now I kind of understand what it means to really lean back and let the man do, act, lead etc, and it feels sooo awesome. And I am so glad I resigned from my “what he is supposed to be like” list when I met mr right, or else I could have walked past an awesome man 🙂

    At first I had a lot of problems with all the methods here, I was good in theory but practice was something else. And it took me to hit rock bottom and getting really angry at myself and everything around before I got some kind of shift. One thing is certain, you cannot do wrong with mr right.

    Lots of love and courage to you lovely mermaids <3



  36.  #36Angela on September 12, 2016 at 12:16 am

    I feel like writing about whats been happening in my life lately.
    The last I wrote in this blog was having met a man that was of different culture than I.
    Initially he was very attentive , said he wanted a relationship . Was planning dates 2 times a week.
    I followed Rori’s advice would let him initiate but he didnt really.
    He let me know from the beginning he wasn’t that type of man that would text or call if he saw that I put no effort into it.
    It felt so weird for me to initiate contact, felt like i was pursuing so i stopped and he withdrew even further said it wasn’t gonna work out if i didn’t change.

    Anyway then my ex bf shows up again, while im dating this man.
    I let both know of the situation. Sorta…
    The man i had been dating steps back even further , Only visits me for sex, and says to me that this wont work if i see other men.
    It was only a month into meeting him but i let him know that i dated other men too.And this shocked him and i believe made him change his mind about me. Which is why now i think , circulating or letting men know you are doing it, doesnt always work, or not for every man. Some men cant handle it.
    Makes me a little sad .

    Anyway I kept seeing both, with my ex it was more of an emotional connection.
    And because the man I was dating made it only about sex, and especially sex when he wanted, i became almost obsessed with him.
    I honestly had never had such good sex! (which is what attracts me to him, he’s the opposite of my ex also more attractive than him , sorta experienced, very direct, very stubborn, protective and likes what he likes, i guess he likes to be in charge a lot of me is drawn to this. )
    When i brought up the relationship part, he said he couldnt move forward with me because of his cultural background; he needed someone who would not go out to clubs, not wear revealing clothes, and of course someone who had no contact with other men.
    I didnt agree to this so he says that although he likes me he just isn’t sure, because i cant agree to becoming what he wants.

    Now back to the ex, since the other guy backed off I have been spending more time with my ex.
    I want to share something that is kinda amazing my heart is expanding and confused at the same time.
    This is why.
    When i was in the relationship with him, before our breakup, I would use feeling messages to try and get something from him or to just share my frustrations.
    Ok , a day ago i also read Love, Warrior, And this book talks about something that i relate to feeling messages, this woman realizes that how she feels must be spoken about not hidden and no pretending.
    This book shifted something inside me.
    I began seeing my ex bf as a doorway into intimacy, I have deep desire, attraction with the other man i date.
    But my ex has been trying to win me back.
    He will give anything to be with me and basically give me the life is full of his love to me.
    So a day ago i am sitting on the bed, and i try practicing feeling messages letting him know exactly how i feel, i open my heart, (its important to know that our breakup happened because of a lot of arguments, i believe now that its because i was scared of intimacy ) and i look my ex in the eyes and tell him how i feel and why . i tell him exactly my deepest feelings.
    This never happened before in our relationship where he paid attention like this.
    When i was done sharing how i felt , i laughed and i dont know why. i felt at peace, and his reaction was that of peace too. i believe he even got turned on his body reacted a certain way, when i opened my heart to him. i never knew this side of me existed, where i could truly be intimate with another person, and share my feelings in such a powerful way but also i realized that when i am able to do it he opens himself as well and intimacy is also about allowing him to be himself.
    i wanted to share this.
    i think its so powerful how feeling messages can move a man this much!
    my dilemma is that although yes he offers me love, and as of now i am choosing to experience both the intimacy and both the need and desperation for the other man(when i feel desperate for the other man i try to calm myself and love myself in all that neediness, i feel that is the only way to be at peace with myself and the new guy too). i sometimes feel like running away leaving this for the sex with the other man. i know its stupid, possibly? but i am 25 and feel like experiencing other things. other men. maybe even discovering my wants needs my true passions, which i wasn’t able to do when i was in a relationship with this guy because we have relationship thats a lot like marriage, doing everything together.
    i keep asking myself what it is that i truly want. sex? companionship? marriage even? having my own life? if i leave this i know i can love again. maybe i wont find someone this devoted to me. but i know i will find what i need.

    the other man has backed off i guess he senses that my bf is in the picture. a lot of me wants him back to the way he was in the beginning . is it possible he does sense that my attention is going somewhere else ? and could it be possible that a man might fall in love through sex? and if this neediness for him is gone? im debating whether to end things with my ex bf for this other man that i a deeply attracted to, why? well part of me wants to see if me being opened to him , maybe only opened to him as a romantic partner can change how he feels for me. i am confused about both these men, and i believe maybe its dumb but that this new man senses that too. he tells me things like ” when you miss me, i sense it, i miss you too. i like you and if you loved me trust me i would feel it. ” can my confusion be influencing his feelings?
    he only calls for sex, although he says its more than sex to him. that is my story. i feel or hope i wont be judged. i know with time if i keep opening myself to myself, my triggers, and my deepest truest feelings thing will be ok.
    i feel like i am on a good path now, going deeper into myself. and using these two men as a way to know myself even deeper.



  37.  #37April Rose on September 12, 2016 at 12:10 pm

    Sirens!!

    I want to share what just happened to me. i need someone to shriek and say “OMG April!! Is that really true?”

    I am 50 years old (next birthday) and I have just had the face kissed off me by a 23 year-old guy.
    He was HOT.
    He was halfway through taking my clothes off me when I said “Whoah, this feels way too fast.”
    He fought me for a while, saying he wasn’t going to stop (which also felt good and kinda exciting) and then when I said I felt vulnerable and anxious he cooled it down.
    WHAT A BOOST to my sense of attractiveness. I mean, I know deep down that I am gorgeous and beautiful and a woman. Yet this gave me PROOF.

    It was the last thing I expected when I came home from work today. Yes, he was a salesman who I invited into my home and I signed up for his company’s services!!

    Omg, I feel like a cougar, a slut, an adventurer. And a woman!
    I am so pleased with myself for holding and expressing my boundaries – he eventually left after I firmly voiced them – and I feel even more delighted to have spent a half-hour making out with a gorgeous guy.

    He said he loved my energy and that we had a connection.
    So cute.



  38.  #38April Rose on September 12, 2016 at 12:20 pm

    I just want to add that we talked for about an hour before he kissed me. And it happened in the hallway as I was walking him to the door.



  39.  #39Femininewoman on September 12, 2016 at 12:21 pm

    Haha April Rose!!!! 🙂



  40.  #40Femininewoman on September 12, 2016 at 12:28 pm

    Angela a third would really balance things out great so you don’t ping pong between these two

    wink wink 🙂 swoooon



  41.  #41April Rose on September 12, 2016 at 12:42 pm

    I still can’t believe it.

    I mean it feels like a dream.

    Feels like the world is a dream in which hot guys walk into my house from the street, and kiss me beautifully and try to take me to bed.



  42.  #42April Rose on September 12, 2016 at 12:43 pm

    I need to get a new bed!



  43.  #43April Rose on September 12, 2016 at 12:48 pm

    If I didn’t have my Rori training I have no idea how I would have handled that situation.

    My main thought was how to cool things down in a respectful way, so that he did not feel that he had ‘lost’. At no point did I want to ‘win’. I was focussed on maitaining my value and my boundaries and following my feelings.

    Thank you Rori.



  44.  #44IamHis on September 13, 2016 at 4:08 am

    Love languages. With the guy who assaulted me, it was all acts of service and physical touch. I felt so good at first, like words weren’t even needed.

    I’m getting to know someone new who is also big on acts of service and physical touch. But the words are there! I was starving for words before and didn’t even realize how important they are to me.

    The only thing is I’m noticing that I am now really struggling with words. More so than ever. There’s old fear and new fear and both run deep.

    It feels good to just observe. He is making an effort to talk to me and listen to me which feels really good.. The boat is moving very slowly. I feel worried that I am not showing enough interest, but I also feel guarded. Very guarded. Feeling this guarded doesn’t feel good, but I don’t really know how to open my heart back up. Time will tell. Slow feels good. He seems sweet, golden even, and I can at least tell what he’s thinking because he’s talkative. I almost never want to go near a quiet guy again. I don’t trust quiet guys anymore, and besides, talkative guys ask more questions and help me learn how to talk.

    It’s so weird because I don’t know at what point I stopped being talkative myself….



  45.  #45Tee on September 13, 2016 at 8:39 am

    Update:

    I realize that I haven’t updated you guys in a while. Its been rough. Holding firm & tight to myself as E was doing whatever it was that he was doing. I felt alone, very much alone. Not because of him specifically but because I was feeling that I had run out of “resources”

    I had run out of people to talk to. Everyone had either heard it all before & long stopped taking our “fights” seriously, or I was being told that he was cheating, living a double-life, get rid of him, etc

    I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t get a cheating vibe from E. As fate would have it, I ran into 2 lovely souls on a certain coaches Facebook Forum, we came together & decided to just talk amongst ourselves.

    It turned out to be the best thing for all of us. We are true fans of Rori’s work & we’ve been helping & encouraging each other almost around the clock & its worked wonders. I’ve been learning so much about myself & my particular brand of communication & becoming more aware of my triggers and their habits. I’ve been practicing feeling messages with E and its been rough but he’s been very responsive!

    A few days ago, after yet another disappearing episode. I called him, it went to voicemail. He calls back.

    I let him know that I was unhappy with “what was going on”

    I said that I’d like to speak with him regarding certain things because I was feeling unsure about how we were going to move forward if certain things kept happening. I asked when he would be available.

    He let me know that after he cut grass. He’d be available. Ok great. I expected an immediate call back.

    I didn’t get it. Something told me that he’s sneak in during some weird hour. He did.

    Something told me that he was probably avoiding me. He probably was & I understood.

    I didn’t wanna have “the talk” anymore than he wanted to have “the talk”

    I also was in no mood to chase because I knew it would set the wrong vibe & I didn’t want that.

    I also knew that I could have woken him up early to discuss things but again, I didn’t want that vibe either

    I said Nothing. I felt stupid & weak. I took the boy to the park instead.

    I didn’t expect E to still be there when we returned, but he was.

    I was feeling a little better, lighter. He was getting ready for work.

    He then tells me that the reason why he had been out was because he had been fixing up his aunts house in the hopes that WE could move in

    Ohhhhhh ok! One of E’s aunts passed away earlier this year so her house has just been sitting there unoccupied.

    He had mentioned it before, possibly living there but I thought he had decided against it. I guess he had changed his mind. But then, one of his relatives decided that SHE now wants to live in this house so E was like Well WTF am I fixing it up for??

    I still have tons of questions & feelings. His days of staying out seem to be behind him & he’s been doing a good job of coming home early as well. We still have a ways to go (I think) but I’m happy with the progress so far.

    I don’t wanna get too cocky but I’m feeling better about things

    I just have to remind myself that just because things feel OK now, its no excuse to stop applying what I’ve learned
    I wish he would have said something sooner though



  46.  #46Tee on September 13, 2016 at 8:44 am

    I realize that I haven’t updated you guys in a while. Its been rough. Holding firm & tight to myself as E was doing whatever it was that he was doing. I felt alone, very much alone. Not because of him specifically but because I was feeling that I had run out of “resources”

    I had run out of people to talk to. Everyone had either heard it all before & long stopped taking our “fights” seriously, or I was being told that he was cheating, living a double-life, get rid of him, etc

    I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t get a cheating vibe from E. As fate would have it, I ran into 2 lovely souls on a certain coaches Facebook Forum. I wont name any names but we came together in mutual DISSATISFACTION over the behavior of this particular coach & decided to just talk amongst ourselves.

    It turned out to be the best thing for all of us. We are true fans of Rori’s work & we’ve been helping & encouraging each other almost around the clock & its worked wonders. I’ve been learning so much about myself & my particular brand of communication & becoming more aware of my triggers and their habits. I’ve been practicing feeling messages with E and its been rough but he’s been very responsive!

    A few days ago, after yet another disappearing episode. I called him, it went to voicemail. He calls back.
    I let him know that I was unhappy with “what was going on”
    I said that I’d like to speak with him regarding certain things because I was feeling unsure about how we were going to move forward if certain things kept happening. I asked when he would be available.

    He let me know that after he cut grass. He’d be available. Ok great. I expected an immediate call back.
    I didn’t get it. Something told me that he’s sneak in during some weird hour. He did.
    Something told me that he was probably avoiding me. He probably was & I understood.
    I didn’t wanna have “the talk” anymore than he wanted to have “the talk”

    I also was in no mood to chase because I knew it would set the wrong vibe & I didn’t want that.
    I also knew that I could have woken him up early to discuss things but again, I didn’t want that vibe either
    I said Nothing. I felt stupid & weak. I took the boy to the park instead.

    I didn’t expect E to still be there when we returned, but he was.
    I was feeling a little better, lighter. He was getting ready for work.
    He then tells me that the reason why he had been out was because he had been fixing up his aunts house in the hopes that WE could move in

    Ohhhhhh ok! One of E’s aunts passed away earlier this year so her house has just been sitting there unoccupied.
    He had mentioned it before, possibly living there but I thought he had decided against it. I guess he had changed his mind. But then, one of his relatives decided that SHE now wants to live in this house so E was like Well WTF am I fixing it up for??

    I still have tons of questions & feelings. His days of staying out seem to be behind him & he’s been doing a good job of coming home early as well. We still have a ways to go (I think) but I’m happy with the progress so far.
    I don’t wanna get too cocky but I’m feeling better about things

    I just have to remind myself that just because things feel OK now, its no excuse to stop applying what I’ve learned



  47.  #47Indigo on September 14, 2016 at 4:59 am

    Tereana,

    I haven’t been on the blog much lately, and I don’t feel moved to respond to very many people’s posts, but I felt moved to respond to yours.

    This is MADNESS what you are doing. I am not going to mince my words here. If you continue this way, you will drive every good man away eventually. Ask me how I know? Personal experience. I am so extremely fortunate that I am with a wonderful, patient, loving, understanding man who has given me the safety and confidence to move beyond my insecurities, but I still recognise at a visceral level that I need to move beyond them. I wish I could sit here and indulge you and say, oh no it’s fine, you push and pull this guy all you want, fight with him, complain about how he isn’t meeting your needs or healing you from your past, and he’ll stick around, and if he’s not he’s an asshole. But I’m not going to say that because it’s bullsh*t.

    You have a man who is falling over himself to make an effort for you, communicating with you, reassuring you, loving you. So it isn’t in the exact way you want all the time… well, that’s human beings for you. Learn to love him for who he is, not for who he is not. Learn to see the things that he is doing for you, appreciate them, and you will see you will get more of it. Let go of the nitpicky things you think you want and you will see you will get those things too. Be gentle in the way you communicate… don’t fight. Don’t ask him to leave and then expect him to come back again and when he doesn’t make it about him not caring about your “desires”. That’s madness.

    It’s the early stages of dating. Let it flow. Enjoy it. Let him be him. Don’t be concerned about him understanding your every feeling, whim and desire. That comes with time, lots and lots of it, and lots of safety. And don’t fight with him. Nothing will drive a man away faster. Just enjoy what he is doing for you, and learn to work through those feelings of anxiety and insecurity on your own. You’re not going to get it perfect straight away (I sure didn’t) but that is the direction you want to be heading if you want peace and contentment in your life and relationship. Trust me when I say that NO man will stick around if he feels he is not making you happy… especially not the good ones.



  48.  #48IamHis on September 14, 2016 at 10:05 am

    Ugggg. He asked me how I was doing. I was feeling so sad, but I answered “good.”

    He was coming towards me & all I wanted to do was run.

    Then, later, I was feeling angry & overwhelmed, and I let him see that.

    He terrifies me.

    I’m not doing the wrong things, I’m back in my old stuff.

    I did all the right things with the wrong guys.

    Now I’m doing all the wrong things with a good guy?

    Shoot, I don’t know.



  49.  #49IamHis on September 14, 2016 at 10:07 am

    I like him and I don’t want to like him. I don’t feel ready. I feel like hitting him and running away.



  50.  #50Mistea1 on September 14, 2016 at 6:33 pm

    Victoria
    Isn’t there a song about, ‘You know when to love him, you know when to leave him?” If not there should be. Good for you.

    Like I said I’m back for a review of feeling messages and the like. I’ve been CDing every one. The little kids are the best! I smile at them but only make a comment to the parent.

    I’m not sure what’s going on. It seems like this part of the country has a big nest of toxic men, yikes. Now I can spot them very quickly so don’t have to get caught up with dating any of them.

    I still have this Synesthesia, (seeing colors when I listen to some music). Great fun.
    The other thing I discovered is that I might have Stendhals Syndrome.. That’s when a person becomes overwhelmed when seeing art or hearing music of great beauty. i guess a number of people fainted when viewing art at the Louvre in Paris so they gave it that name.. Well, now I know this is from me not directed at me from someone else. I’ve learned to moderate my reactions so it’s not so noticeable., except to me. Thank goodness.

    I’m becoming acquainted with a few groups in the area so we’ll see what happens.



  51.  #51Indigo on September 14, 2016 at 10:45 pm

    Mistea,

    There’s actually a syndrome for what happens when you see great art or hear beautiful music?!!!?! The mind boggles.

    It never fails to astonish me how psychiatry tries to de-normalise every part of intense human experience. And you know there’s no scientific basis for it right? None whatsoever. And they will admit that.



  52.  #52Millie on September 15, 2016 at 12:06 am

    Tereana-

    I read your posts and I wanted to say that I see some of myself in what you wrote. Once my feelings for a man start to form, the insecurities come along with it and the inner dialog begins. I start to measure his feelings, looking for clues… blowing small moments out of proportion. He didn’t text me today… maybe he’s seeing someone else! I want to hit the sabotage button so badly sometimes. I want to run. Shut the whole thing down before I get rejected. This is when I know, not only do I like this man, but I am being challenged to manage my feelings. Shutting down, pushing him away is easy. I don’t have to deal with myself. I can climb back into my hole and reveal nothing to anyone, but then I don’t grow. This new man in my life might be here to help me grow past my reluctance to deal with myself. He said it himself, that right now he wants to date, get to know me, and see if we click. Well, how perfect is that because that is exactly what I want to do with him! And yet, with this guy, I almost feel like I am the emotionally immature one. In the past I’ve felt that many of the men I dated weren’t at my level and now I’m a little wondering if I’m not at his level of emotional maturity. For example, I do see that I have trouble receiving at times, especially in physical intimacy. I also see that “I want” him to do certain things… and if he doesn’t I want to punish him by shutting down. This happens in my head mainly, not vocally…but I’m sure he senses it in my vibe. I see that this isn’t really desire coming from me, it is controlling behavior out of fear. To want him to come close when he isn’t and then push him away when he is. It’s not healthy and for me I think comes from a fear of being truly vulnerable and also from anger at the men who have hurt me in the past. I see a lot of things coming up for me… It’s funny because now when I come across someone who is emotionally unavailable or just plain not for me, I feel a lot less desire to change it than I used to. I am able to accept it easier, but here is a good man who has entered my life, one I didn’t even like at first, but he is slowly becoming more and more attractive to me and I am able to see more of myself than I would dating an emotionally unavailable man who just shows me what I already know. If that makes sense. I just need to keep CDing and not get caught up!!!



  53.  #53Victoria on September 15, 2016 at 3:59 am

    Tereana,
    I do relate to the part where you complain about him being late and coming whenever he pleases. I dated someone like that for 4 years or so, and I must say I trained myself to not be bothered about it. And I was/am very proud that I could turn it in my head to be almost a non-issue.
    I dealt with it through a combination of making my arrangements with him for 30/40 minutes earlier than I actually wanted (and going to the date that much later myself) and through consciously not mentioning a word of dissatisfaction when he was even more late than I had calculated. This actually produced a certain improvement in his attitude, he saw I was flexible, inventive and adamant about not making him wrong, I think he was fascinated by how considerate I was and how I sought to accomodate him.
    I broke up with him eventually over a combination of reasons, the main one being that I met someone else who was punctual to the second, has never broken a promise or a plan. He is like that not just with me, he simply is a very punctual person, and by virtue of that, he is a better match for me than the other guy, without any of us making any effort.
    The lesson I have learnt for myself is that it is important to evaluate the other person, somewhat objectively, before s*x or becoming emotionally attached, as to whether he is a good fit or not, in his present state, without any possible corrections/improvement.



  54.  #54Mistea1 on September 15, 2016 at 10:04 am

    Indigo (50)
    I agree psychiatry ICD10 etc can go over board in medicalizing normal reactions.
    This was recognized in the 17th century as an over the top reaction to beauty. Of course we may smile and recognize and appreciate beauty in art and music, we all do that. However, there are some of us who may faint, cry, laugh etc. at selected events or art. I don’t react this way to every thing only very select events. I’m just glad I know it’s come from me and doesn’t have anything to with the other. I have control over it and for that I’m grateful. Hope this clarifies for you. Thanks.



  55.  #55Indigo on September 16, 2016 at 1:24 am

    Mistea,

    Yes I get it 🙂 I think those extreme emotions are just part of being human though.

    Do you know that the psychiatric ICD10 codes and DSM have no basis in scientific fact though? That there is no actual scientific way to diagnose someone? It’s all made up.



  56.  #56azure Blue on September 16, 2016 at 8:47 am

    Tee#45!!!
    Wow girl… This all is very inspiring to me!!! So happy for you!! Your Siren light is shining brightly!!!
    LOVE those feeling messages… sounds like your new group is powerful!
    I’m pretty sure what other group you are referring to… i do that group also.

    I have actually broken up with Spirit – on my birthday Sept 2…
    I had been praying/meditating for answers because I couldn’t see where/what to do go with our relationship and tired of arguing and I couldn’t seem to stop myself… and then he left me out of yet another family gathering (not met one side of his family after 2 years) and he did’t feel like he could share that with me… soo he tried to plan a wonderful Labor Day weekend and “said” to hang out with the grandkids too… but it had all built up to where I didn’t believe what he said… I was totally in masculine mode…
    so I declined the weekend and said I was with family (no happy birthday wish from him or anything)
    Went out with Friends on Friday for drinks (my bday) -ran into other friends who said the dance bar was open- come and they’d buy me a drink – and Spirit was there sitting next to another woman and dancing with her… he saw me- ignored me- and then when I went next to where they were for a few minutes… he said “she’s married” i left and was meeting my family at a restaurant for dinner…
    it has been miserable since…
    glad that i saw he was not living up to our agreement (to not go out dancing with other people)-
    but so broken hearted… I really did want it to work… not sure I would have been able to leave unless this had happened…
    H saidn he didn’t want to break up… and tried to keep the relationship going… but it all just felt so yucky in the end…
    and I do want a “Better Quality” love!!
    and OLD CD – RM – actually texted me on my birthday- before I had broken up with Spirit-
    So We have gone out a couple of times… he is a MUCH better person, seems to have much more integrity… Integrity was what I kept looking for with Spirit and seemed to be lacking (just could;t put my finger on it)
    I listened to a Video of Evan M. Katz about infidelity ( I know Spirit didn’t sleep with her) but to not be able to stop doing something we had agreed to seems the same…
    It was just what I needed to hear to clarify what I value in ME – my integrity_ and in others
    and when it is lacking – It is difficult to trust them!
    I need a man with INTEGRITY!! period!
    So nice when the universe brings us just what we need to hear…

    I am suffering dear Sirens…
    feeling decived and broken hearted…
    grieving the passing of a exciting love affair… the day to day with him… I love him but I LOVE ME MORE!!!
    and knowing I need to stop – and move the the NEXT Happier Ever after…



  57.  #57Tereana on September 16, 2016 at 12:39 pm

    Indigo – thanks!!

    Thank you for not holding back. Thank you for saying what you really thought and felt.

    I didn’t pop back onto the blog to be coddled and indulged. I came back here because I wanted to a) vent, and b) get an honest outside perspective. I realized that I was getting way too caught up in my own thoughts, feelings, and stories, and I needed to step back.

    Everything you said is true, and even my cat would agree with you.

    In fact, I had a really cute experience last night.

    He was over at my house. We were having a nice time. But this thing was still bothering me. I wanted to talk about it. So I brought it up, and I was keeping my voice level as I talked through the things that I’d been wanting to say to him – lots of feelings, etc. But I guess there was some tenseness. He was still defending all the times he had been late to see me, and that made me feel more tense.

    Then my cat chirped up. Sitting on the floor, she made a couple of plaintive meows. I went over to her to see what was wrong. She started purring. Then I picked her up, and held her in between us. She reminded me of a little kid who just doesn’t want her parents to fight. And then we started kissing again, and I felt happy. I love my cat, and I don’t want to dress her out.

    On the plus side, I know that he was listening to me. Even if I don’t get everything I want, I still needed to say my piece and be heard. That in itself feels valuable to me.



  58.  #58Tereana on September 16, 2016 at 12:41 pm

    I meant to write “stress her out.”

    And also – he really likes my cat. And my cat likes him. I can trust her to know what people are good for me…



  59.  #59Tereana on September 16, 2016 at 1:00 pm

    See, here is the conflict – and it may be an imaginary conflict – I really want to just accept all the things he does for me as “love.” They are that. It is true.

    AND, at the same time, it has something to do with boundaries as well. Time boundaries. If I say I am available at x time, and he responds by saying, “can we do this thing 2 hours later?” Then I don’t feel respected, because I didn’t offer that time. I feel like, the way he shows up, he sees me partly as his personal 7-11, who is open all the time for his convenience. I don’t want to give him the wrong idea and accept “whatever he gives me” if I truly don’t feel it’s best for me.

    If I want to do something in the morning, and he wants to sleep, he will sleep and he will be late to see me – late, meaning either later than be said he would come, or later than I asked him, or both. Yet he expects me to stay up late to accommodate his late-night energies. He will stay later than I ask, or suggest we go out later than I want, when he knows I need to go to bed earlier.

    I don’t mean to complain. I don’t want to.

    It’s just that, if he truly loves me and wants me to be very happy and relaxed with him, then he needs to start understanding some of my time priorities, and working surging them even when it isn’t totally “convenient” for him – because I already do the same.

    And I think, as I can gather, what we are all about here on the blog is raising our standards and having enough self-worth not to “settle” for behaviors we don’t like, just so that we can have a man in our lives. Because if I “put up” with something now, he will take that as approval and acceptance, and he will only do it more and more.

    I really want to reward good behavior, not “punish” the bad. I told him that when a man shows up on time for me, it’s sexy. It’s turns me on. I told him to think of it like “pre-foreplay.” Because it gets me excited way before we even get into bed – and this is true. But if he is late, and making me wait, then I start to lose all of my sexual mojo.

    So I’ve decided, from here on, until I feel otherwise, I’m only going to have enough energy to sleep with him if he’s showing up in time for me. If not, then he’ll just have to wait. And he can do that. He’s fine with that. He’s never pressured me. But I also know that he really likes sex with me. He said he had a very juicy dream a lot me the other night.

    So what it really comes down to is this: I want his best. YES, he has been giving me lots of good things. But showing up on time for me is one small, very do-able request. I know he can do it, because I see him doing it for other people and events in his life. And I need him to do it for me, when it’s just me counting on him.

    And I don’t need to justify that. And I don’t feel crazy asking for that. I think it would be crazier for me to settle for less, when I know that that is what I really want and need. Just once. Then we go from there.

    It is scary saying my truth. But I feel more powerful and strong asking for what feels best for me. We all have that right. We should all be asking for the Best



  60.  #60Tereana on September 16, 2016 at 1:01 pm

    “Working surging” = work around them

    (Autocorrect)



  61.  #61Tereana on September 16, 2016 at 1:24 pm

    Victoria – I appreciate your perspective also. I don’t know that I want to “train” myself to be ok with it. I would like it if we can both accommodate the other at times – I do some things his way, he does some things my way. Then I won’t mind indulging what he wants. He has just been indulging himself a lot lately, going on trips, making me wait, and still not showing up when he says. I’m not going to “make” myself ok with it by ignoring it or pretending not to feel how I feel.

    But he is such a good man otherwise, he does so many things that *do* make me feel good, and we are such a good match in so many other ways, that I feel like it is worth the effort to strike a balance. we should *both* be happy. Right now, I feel like he gets to be happy all of the time, and I am the one left holding the short stick.

    Some of this is, of course, an inside job. In what ways am I “choosing” to be unhappy? Are there ways in which I am the one who is not observing my boundaries, or making allowances for things I don’t want? Yes. But I need his help, too. I am looking for his response. And I don’t want to feel like he’s got his best to give to everyone else but me – and even that may be an “inside” feeling, and not a true story that has to do with him.

    Thank you, Millie, for your words as well!

    I’m not sure that I know your past, but maybe we are similar. It’s comforting to know that you have responses like mine in relationships. Yes, it doesn’t make sense. But I know that I have been traumatized in and by relationships. Maybe you have, too. It makes it so hard to know what’s up and what’s down. It’s hard to even trust yourself, or your feelings, or your intuition, because they are all over the place, and because you have been burned so many times in the past when you thought you knew what a certain word or action meant, and then found out – or were told – that all your perceptions of reality were wrong. It makes it very hard to hold onto anything, to trust anything, to relax even for a second when you are trying to relate to someone.

    I am not hoping for this man to “heal my past.” He can’t do that. What he “can” do is hold my hand and love me while my past gets healed by itself, inside of me.

    I need this timing thing because of who I am, right w. I may not need it forever. It may be like a training wheel that I can take off, at some point. But right now, I just need to comfort of knowing that he’s going to show up at whatever time he says.

    And I also think I’ve said my piece. By this point, I don’t even know that I have any more thoughts or words on the subject that I want to convey to him. So now that I’ve said my stuff, it’s exhausting, but I want to “let go and let G-d.” I’ll have to trust that he’s heard me, and let him adjust anything on his own if he’s going to. I still like him, at the end of the day.

    But to me, this is about liking myself and LOVING myself first. No matter what



  62.  #62Tereana on September 16, 2016 at 1:34 pm

    Oh, Millie, Millie –

    I meant to say to you, too, about your idea to quit your job and travel. Why not???! Are you *sure* you can’t afford it? More to the point: can you afford not to?

    At the end of your life, do you want to wis. that you had done that? Or do you want to have the memories of the experiences you will have?

    I have a friend who up and left her job one day, sold her car, and went to South America. She traveled all over – Latin-American countries, Australia, Japan. She must have had some savings, but I also know that she worked wile she was abroad as well. It wasn’t just one long vacation. It was her life. It still is. I read another story about a woman who did the same thing.

    It IS possible. If you really want to do that, it’s not just a fantasy – it’s something you can do.

    Right out of college, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. So I got a work permit for Ireland and lived there for almost a year. I don’t regret it for a second. And I e traveled other times, too. And I can tell you that you simply don’t know the opportunities and experiences that await you until you get there. Fear might stop you, if you let it. But amazing things can happen when you travel. People will come out of the woodwork to help you. The universe will leave you a trail of breadcrumbs to follow, with little gifts along the way.

    I believe that, if you follow that impulse, and don’t talk yourself out of that, or listen to the nay-saying voice of “society,” you will be soooooo happy.

    Go get it, girl!!!



  63.  #63Mistea1 on September 16, 2016 at 7:11 pm

    Millie,
    I taught English abroad. You get paid and often low cost housing. Plenty of chance for travel too. Many people to associate with. Fun.



  64.  #64Mistea1 on September 16, 2016 at 7:41 pm

    Millie, (60)
    I went abroad and taught English. You get some pay and either free or low cost housing. there is plenty of chance to travel and usually a



  65.  #65Mistea1 on September 16, 2016 at 8:05 pm

    Indigo (54)
    It seems like the ICD 10 was more about coding Dx’s for insurance and payment purposes.

    Say, I’m still thinking about your moving to another country. Any special reason you are thinking of this? I’ve lived in several countries. Each one has it’s own flavor. It’s a part of the universe that I had no clue existed and what fun it was discovering it.

    I’m thinking of France. It has beautiful light for my art. It has a number of organs that I might get to play without the stigma of the organs in this part of the country. I have some second cousins who own a vineyard.

    Then I think: Have I overcome the triggers of the last CD? I recognise them and they are much less than before. I know it is from me and not him. I feel more confident and in control of my life. It’s a relief. Yet, I did have the almost overwhelming awe when I listened to his last recital last month. I left right after it and didn’t engage him. Perhaps to recognise the awe as awe and have the attitide of ‘so be it.’ Perhaps I need to seriously start playing my instuments and see what happens.. I feel blocked. Maybe I am this way because I don’t want to let go. Guess I’ll sleep on it., again!



  66.  #66Victoria on September 17, 2016 at 12:51 am

    Tereana,
    The more I read about your fixation (for lack of better words) on his timing, the more I think it is actually an important lesson for you which will help you in your self discovery and healing process.
    I could have written what you wrote, word for word, a few years ago. About how I will do things for him if he would do things for me, and about feeling like I got the short stick. How our relationship was perfect for him in every way (mostly due to the obvious fact that I am perfect in any way, hehehe) but for me some of my most important needs (e.g. punctuality) were not met. Now, several years later, I know for sure I was not perfect for him, and he saw several faults in me, but chose to not make an issue. I see how my original solution to the problem of my needs not being met was to try to train him (you are not the first one who invented the idea of withholding s*x as punishment) and then when this did not work out (may be it will in your case) I moved to training myself, which, as I told you, produced better results, but still not ideal. One way or another, I think you need to live through this, try out different things, and learn things about yourself along the way.
    I also recognize myself in your statement that he is such a good guy in so many ways. I also thought that, see, here is this guy, he is so amazing, if I could fix him just a little bit, gosh I don’t want to start from scratch with someone new, I don’t want to go back to the early stages of meeting all sorts of weirdos until someone semi-acceptable turns up. And the lesson I had to learn is that that particular man did not want to be fixed. He had a radar against women who want to improve him, or bring up the best in him and as it lit up, it made him dig his heels in the ground. The other lesson is, that as soon as I realized he is not willing to be punctual with me, I should have left him. Sounds like a heresy in view of his otherwise amazing qualities and also because by the time I figured out his punctuality I was head over heels in love with him.
    Last, but not least, I want to repeat again, that there are men out there who will be punctual for you without you having to think about that for a split second. If I were in your shoes, I would be making sure I am available to meet such men.



  67.  #67Aril Rose on September 17, 2016 at 1:54 pm

    Victoria,
    I love this:
    “…there are men out there who will be punctual for you without you having to think about that for a split second. If I were in your shoes, I would be making sure I am available to meet such men.”
    So simple and straightforward. Make s a little light ping on in my heart!



  68.  #68April Rose on September 17, 2016 at 1:55 pm

    Victoria,
    I love this:
    “…there are men out there who will be punctual for you without you having to think about that for a split second. If I were in your shoes, I would be making sure I am available to meet such men.”
    So simple and straightforward. Makes a little light ping on in my heart!



  69.  #69Millie on September 17, 2016 at 2:05 pm

    Thank you Mistea1 and Tereana!

    Ladies I’m wondering if I should end things with a guy who is dating me. He is wonderful so far and seems to be a good guy, great head on his shoulders, and very giving. I feel like I made the mistake of leaning forward a few times and revealing some insecurities. I leaned forward because I hadn’t heard from him in a few days and also felt like I have been “too cool” and felt ok rea reaching out. Now I feel him pulling back of course, and I want to end things. I want a man who is communicative on a daily basis and continues to plan dates. I don’t want to continue to see a man who isn’t doing that. Do I tell him next time he reaches out? Or do I see what happens? I don’t want to control the situation, however, Id rather be the one to walk away and let him know why. Right now I feel inspired to make my own rules in my love life and not accept anything less than what I want. Am I being unreasonable too early? We have been dating for two months, although I told him after a few dates I was t sure about our chemistry, which he stepped up and ignited. Now I’m not sure he is still interested and not sure I want to keep seeing someone who’s interest is not growing: thoughts?



  70.  #70Millie on September 17, 2016 at 11:30 pm

    Kind of feeling silly because the answer I know is to be patient, give him time, and be surprised.



  71.  #71Emerson on September 18, 2016 at 12:49 am

    Hello Beautiful sirens….
    Millie 66….
    “however, Id rather be the one to walk away and let him know why”
    Ohhh I so know how this feels….but I also feel that its ok to just let go and let it fade off….without “explaining”…..its so hard but also remember men usually come back around at some point and either you’ll be interested in revisiting or you’ll be over it….
    I feel for you Millie it’s frustrating.

    I have some stories to share about CuteCityCD and I’ve just felt tired to type it out and talk about it….will share soon…

    love to u Millie



  72.  #72Femininewoman on September 18, 2016 at 6:34 pm

    Millie two months is really still early days. He is showing you who is in relationship and you can only allow him to be himself, There really is no need if you are circular dating. If you truly are he could easily get crowd out.



  73.  #73Millie on September 18, 2016 at 8:02 pm

    Femininewoman- yeah this is true. We shall see



  74.  #74Indigo on September 19, 2016 at 5:19 am

    Tereana,

    You sound amazing! I can sense such a change in you since you were on here 6 months or so ago. It comes through in your writing.

    Of course it’s not about settling for less. It’s about communicating what you need lovingly (to yourself and him) and effectively. A good man will want to make you feel happy and safe. You won’t need to browbeat him about the head with it, he will know what a treasure he has just by the way you conduct yourself.

    You’re on a good track 🙂

    I was trying to remember how I navigated this time business when I was dating. And no, of course you don’t have to settle for behaviour of not keeping proper appointments or being chronically late. This would drive me nuts also. It’s about communicating how you feel effectively (not giving into anxiety, whining or complaining, which men just cannot hear). I think I would have said something like “I’m so sorry but I just don’t wait longer than 20 minutes for someone to arrive at a meeting place. I like to feel like my time and commitments are important to the person that I love.” I’d say it gently and I’d say it firmly, and I’d give him maybe one or two more chances, maybe say it once or twice more. Then I would act. I would walk after 20 minutes (leave the venue that is), I would not wait around for him. He will get the message quickly. Considering he is a good loving man, I would give him this extra leniency. If he loves you, he will want to consider you and please you in this way. It is not an unreasonable request of yours.



  75.  #75Mistea1 on September 19, 2016 at 7:08 am

    Tereana, Indigo
    Chuckle, I remember when I lived in a college town. We would wait 10 minutes for the grad student teacher to show, 15 minutes for the assistant professor and 20 minutes for the full professor to show. So you could have some fun with this. What’s his value?



  76.  #76Indigo on September 19, 2016 at 7:08 am

    Mistea,

    As I’ve shared here before, I live in South Africa, and the future here is very uncertain. I could go on and on about it, and if you wish I will share some of my main points of concern, but suffice it to say that as a white person I no longer feel particularly comfortable in my own country. I feel a strong pull to go back to the land of my ancestors, to Europe, and I have strong cultural ties with Ireland, and a deep love of all its history and traditions. I got a taste for travelling by myself and I absolutely adored it, and it is so much easier to do from over there. My boyfriend feels the same way as I do.



  77.  #77Mistea1 on September 19, 2016 at 7:26 am

    63, Indigo
    You are right, Stendhals Syndrome is so medicalized. Other countries are more relaxed about this. In Seville, Spain they call it El Duende. It’s when the passion of the performer is soulfully received by the observer/listener. They actively cultivate this in their dance (Flaminco) and music.

    What would it be like to have even the performers accepting of ‘El Duende”?



  78.  #78Tee on September 19, 2016 at 5:11 pm

    #55 Azure Blue
    I’m so sad to hear this about you & Spirit although I know that you have been moving towards this for some time :/

    I ♡ my little group! I’m learning so much about myself and E. It’s awesome to be able to feel yet not be so deep into my feelings that I can’t function lol

    It feels good to experiment (although he doesn’t know it) with different ways to reach out and /or receive

    It’s been challenging. I sometimes find myself expecting instant results & being upset when it doesn’t SEEM to happen

    Either E has been feeling safe enough lately to share his feelings or I’ve just become more open to hearing….not sure

    There’s been hiccups along the way but I have to remember that I’ve set the bar pretty low so I have to raise it in increments

    At least this is my opinion, I’ve set no boundaries, no limits, etc so Yes, there’s bound to be confusion, doubt & backlash on his end

    It’s been interesting

    Please come back more often Azure ❤



  79.  #79Mistea1 on September 19, 2016 at 6:10 pm

    Indigo 75
    I hear you, from a different perspective but similar feelings about living in my country too. This probably isn’t the place for it though. It’s hard, like being kicked out of your family of origin. Sad, rejection, death in a way.

    This El Duende has really energized me. I’d like to live in a place where it’s OK to be passionate about what ever. I guess I’ve suppressed my passion for life for quite while.

    Are you familiar with the old song ‘The Lady is a Tramp’.?



  80.  #80Mistea1 on September 19, 2016 at 6:34 pm

    Tee 77
    I’m proud that you are advancing womanhood. Woo Hoo.

    It is our boundaries, love of ourselves and respect and just what Rori says that sets the bar that these men need to reach to grow into the men we’ like them to be. Otherwise they’ll still be wearing baggy pants, glittery printed tee shirts, and designer sneakers when they’re in their mid 50’s. and can’t decide which end is up, oh and can they borrow a few bucks. ( Personal knowledge of my neighbor, observational only.)



  81.  #81Mistea1 on September 19, 2016 at 6:57 pm

    Azure Blue 55

    So sorry to hear. How painful this must be for you. I remember a year or two ago you said the same thing and I said that we would now be able to go out and find some better ones. It’s still possible! Let’s set our standards and accept only those who accept ours. Yea you!!



  82.  #82Mistea1 on September 19, 2016 at 6:59 pm

    Azure Blue, also see Rori’s third paragraph, it says it all.

    love ya, and don’t hurt too long!



  83.  #83Tee on September 19, 2016 at 8:34 pm

    #79 Mistea1,

    How are you Dear Siren?
    Yes, I am coming into my own & it feels friggin glorious!
    I’m listening to Rori at work and just getting some practice time & Feeling my way through this
    I had no idea that I didn’t love or respect myself. All I knew was that I wanted E and I really didn’t care about the rest of it & BOY did I pay the price for that!

    He’s a sweet soul yet so very insecure & fragile despite his “I’m all man baby & I’m the sh*t” persona lol so it’s been cool working with that & (hopefully) through that

    I love the feel of him softening & knowing that it’s because of me….it’s a nice feeling but I also (unfortunately?) keep my guard up at times because I know that his mistrust of women runs pretty deep so he’s apt to “snap out of it” at some point & offer resistance…at least for a bit

    It’s fascinating either way lol



  84.  #84Indigo on September 19, 2016 at 11:41 pm

    Azure Blue 55,

    I’m so sorry you are in pain, and heartbroken and suffering. Heartbreak is the worst feeling in the world. Please just know that as bad as it is, it will pass. And if you can just keep yourself from being in contact with him, it will start to feel better sooner than you might think. On that note, I really want to encourage you not to keep in contact with him and rehash what might have been. You need time to say goodbye, mourn and heal. Because you two still have love or caring for one another, it would be easy to want to stay connected out of missing him, but I would encourage you not to do that. I have seen over your journey with him that as much as you might love him, he is quite wrong for you. Most glaringly because he was seeing another woman (was it last year?) and hid this from you. To me this is not a man who is acting in a way that says he values and prioritises you. Which I find essential considering I am now with a man who does just that, and I know how safe and secure that feels.

    The other thing is that I strongly feel that in good relationships there is a sense of respect and acceptance about things like beliefs and religion, even if you don’t always agree. To me the way you have described the way you and Spirit fight about these things is not a good sign.

    I’m sorry, and I’m sending you love & hugs.



  85.  #85Victoria on September 19, 2016 at 11:52 pm

    Azure,
    I am so sorry to hear about Spirit. This story really broke my heart. I am really really upset about how he treated you on your birthday. You know, I think the man is more clueless than anything else. He is so full of himself, and of his own insecurities, and he is simply stupid and obstinate, like an old donkey.
    As for RM, we knew that was coming, didn’t we :-). He has been very patient, and now he will be rewarded with your wonderful presense. It is nice to have a back up plan, i always try to have one.
    Azure,
    you will probably continue to love Spirit for a long time, but that is ok. I know I still love the man who brought me here, even though I have not seen or heard from him forever. But above him, I love more the new man who is treating me like a queen. And most of all, I really love myself, and I know that I need to be caring, loving and forgiving to myself, first and foremost. And you do too, and I have great faith in your ability to build the most wonderful life for yourself!



  86.  #86Femininewoman on September 20, 2016 at 11:57 am

    Azure I can’t honestly say I feel sorry to hear about Spirit. It seems something have been simmering underground for a while though you might not have been fully able to really feel your way through it. Now that your love for yourself is at an all time high you can let him go. Obviously you are more important to yourself than ever before.

    Bravo to your courage and to loving yourself so much. I really feel proud of you.