Get Free Coaching From My Amazing New Coaches NOW!

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IMG_0618closerHi, This is Rori,

Get great coaching from my new, amazing RRRCT Trainees Right NOW!

These new coaches are available to you right now because they’re in the Business Siren-BIZ Module of RRRCT. There are another 10 new coaches who’ve graduated from the RRRCT – Fundamentals Module, and they’ll be available to you in August – when they take “BIZ.”

After they graduate from Training as Rori Raye Trained Coaches  they’ll be free to charge regular fees for coaching – but right now – you can get coached for FREE!

You can try every one of these amazing new coaches (they all use my Tools and techniques, they’ve practiced extensively coaching me and the RRRCT Master Coach Teachers during live class hours, so I KNOW they’re good) for one free session each!

And, if you quickly fall for one of them (I know you will) – you’ll be able to continue with that coach at a hugely discounted rate.

Here’s the list – go to their websites and contact them each to schedule your free appointment (they each have a “Contact” page, or give you their email addresses so you can write them).

Many have Subscriber boxes already – with Newsletters and Freebie reports – so if you see one – be sure to sign up and pick up the “Freebie”!

Heather Allison: http://heather-allison.com

Andrada Dan: http://AndradaDan.com

Korina Fleur: http://KorinaFleur.com

Christine Rich Hanson: http://www.ChristineRichHanson.com

Lygia Lisi: http://www.CoachLygia.com

Nina Mercie: http://TransformationHaven.com

Michelle Manley: http://www.MichelleManleyCoaching.com

Megan Prentiss:  http://www.MeganWeks.com

Sami Wunder: http://www.SamiWunderCoaching.com

And here are a couple of Business Siren-BIZ trainees in other fields – who also do private consultations via phone and Skype:

Jenny Dufton: http://www.JennyDuftonyoga.com

is a yoga teacher in Cornwall, England.

Dr. Aimee Johnson:  http://www.CreatureComfortsah.com is a veterinarian in Grand Junction, Colorado.
Have fun discovering these great new coaches and Business Sirens who can help you, personally and amazingly, anytime you need – or want – to talk to an excellent, qualified, Rori Raye trained coach.

* Also, I would love your feedback! Please consider writing me after you’ve checked out the coaches websites, and worked with them in sessions, and let me know:

1. How their website, photos and writing appealed to you. What made you call some first, and others later?

2. How did the session scheduling go for you? Were they responsive and available?

3. How did the coaching go? Did you feel cared for, non-judged and, most important – helped?

Oh – and if these women inspire you to become a Rori Raye trained coach, too – let me know!

I know any coach who’s been trained by me in RRRCT can give you faster results than any other coach out there…so if you’d like to become a coach yourself and join this elite, very special group of powerful coaches, go here to check RRRCT out (we start Fundamentals on July 6th!):

http://www.coachrori.com/be-a-rori-raye-certified-love-and-relationship-coach/

Try these coaches out for free – ALL of them if you like! – and be helped and inspired…

Love, Rori

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173 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on April 23, 2015 at 7:08 am

    More coaches yoohoo



  2.  #2Femininewoman on April 23, 2015 at 7:10 am

    I have checked out a few from the last group, checked out their websites, wrote comments, subscribed and asked questions but unfortunately got no response. One I believe was into yoga.



  3.  #3Millie on April 23, 2015 at 11:06 am

    So I decided to try this mind game with myself. Instead of focusing on the fact that he “broke up” with me… And feeling all of those feelings around that, waking up crying, feeling rejected, feeling so low. I am going to pretend that he is just withdrawing. Not to give myself hope, but so I can practice feeling like an anchor and relaxing into my soft queen throne and leaning back. Because if he does come back or if I’m in this situation again with someone else, I want to have mastered the tools to handle it instead of just reading about them, beating myself up for not abiding by them, and feeling like a piece of crap because he doesn’t want to be with me. If I treat this as a continuous flow… As a river just flowing away from me and not gone, I can teach myself to embody the behaviors that work and gain the tools needed. Does that make sense?



  4.  #4Azure Blu on April 23, 2015 at 11:47 am

    Millie #3
    Ahhh… darling Siren.
    This makes sooo much sense…
    I believe This is what Rori recommends.

    It is what I have been practicing with Spirit
    I am learning Sooo much ABOUT ME
    It is VERY powerful stuff…
    whether Spirit CAN do relationship
    or not…
    Everything I am learning is MINE forever…



  5.  #5Millie on April 23, 2015 at 11:58 am

    Azure, how is it going for you? What have you learned about yourself? And what have you learned about Spirit? I’m just curious…



  6.  #6Azure Blu on April 23, 2015 at 1:30 pm

    Millie…
    great question
    while Spirit asked for a relationship and exclusivity almost 2 months ago… he has withdrawn a lot…
    saying it is his job (he has changed jobs) and his daughter
    I decided to give this 2 months to practice learning how to grow a relationship — we’ve been dating off and on for 9 months
    everyday I find out more about me…
    I struggle with maintaining
    closeness with a man I loved/liked…
    I was sooo afraid of emotional intimacy..
    and although it is still difficult
    I can now stay connected for longer periods…
    be warm and soft with Spirit…
    and keep my heart open more

    I discovered I believed I NEEDED a man
    to rescue me… to entertain me…
    to keep my life from being boring…
    Now I KNOW it is ME that MUST rescue ME,
    entertain ME, make MY life interesting…
    and Mr. Right will simply add to that
    and I’ll be ready for a much better Mr. Right!!!

    I have seen more of my leaning forward..
    I have seen how I nit pick at a man
    I have seen how I am disrespectful in small ways
    all this pushes a man away
    and keeps me from getting too emotionally intimate

    I have been able to give people (not just a man)
    their space to figure things out…
    my space to figure things out…
    and how much of my anger is about
    ME wanting to be in CONTROL…

    To be able to share what I need in feeling messages…
    ask for what I want (still sooo difficult)… and letting go of the outcome…
    Of course I’m human and everyday happens…
    BUT I am sooooo much happier, less anxious,
    more interesting to ME… recover from situations soo much faster…
    I’m much more loving to everyone in my life
    and let go of men and people who don’t promote happiness and growth.

    All this from practicing these tools with someone I love/like very much which takes this all to another level!!



  7.  #7Azure Blu on April 23, 2015 at 1:41 pm

    Millie.
    So sweet of you to ask///

    not sure what I’ve learned about Spirit…
    He is a VERY private man…
    Realizing We’ve dated for 9 months
    and things have gotten soooo very distant…
    I am leaning waaaaay back the past week
    He has tried a little bit more this week but…
    texts only… he actually asked what I did today…
    He’s NEVER done that…
    ask me to meet him to watch the game on Tue..
    I couldn’t I was working…

    I am feeling sad, bored with confusion…
    This is NOTHING I have in mind for a relationship…
    a couple more weeks… I’m sticking to my timeline…



  8.  #8Azure Blu on April 23, 2015 at 1:45 pm

    Actually realizing, and seeing it in writing, I have been dating Spirit off and on for 9 months is VERY depressing!!!
    Yeah… he certainly isn’t doing anything to make me think he can do relationship…
    :-((



  9.  #9Femininewoman on April 23, 2015 at 2:43 pm

    Then again is your perspective of him distancing himself true? Could it be that he has “nested” so he doesn’t feel the need to be constantly consoling you? Is that for him, he believes all is well and nothing needs fixing? Is this the way he does his life in general? Is this the way he does relationships based on his worldview and the experiences he has had?



  10.  #10Waterfall on April 23, 2015 at 3:00 pm

    Azure (from previous thread)

    YES! I doo love my leaning forward!!
    I don’t regret it. It felt natural. It felt like me…

    I think I am a dominant person in relationships.
    I will always speak my mind.
    I am struggling with the feeling messages. Although I really am trying to use them… It’s so hard to “get it right!”

    But I am laughing at myself trying..

    I realise I am rowing the boat with D in it. And I just feel like throwing down the oars and saying I’m not doing it anymore! Well, that is what I have done..

    He has kept away from me.
    I can’t deny that I don’t want him to be at my door with a big bouquet of flowers – but secretly I know that is never going to happen.

    I have a feeling I will never see him again now.
    He realises that I refuse to row anymore.
    It will be too difficult for him to row…
    He want’s somebody to make the decisions for him.

    I told him I hope he finds somebody who he does want to commit to, who he does want to change for.

    I told him I hope he finds someone where all of this comes naturally to him and it isn’t force, like with us.

    That made me feel sad but I believe it to be the truth.

    If he had really wanted a “relationship” he would have moved heaven & earth to make it happen.
    I felt he was all talk and no trousers…

    He talked big and acted small… It broke my heart.
    I still haven’t let go…

    But I have almost accepted it. Well, not quite…

    Anyway…

    I am trying to focus on positive stuff and throw myself into my life in general. This does make me feel good!

    Well, that’s it really….



  11.  #11Waterfall on April 23, 2015 at 3:07 pm

    @ Azure – 7

    I am feeling sad, bored with confusion…
    This is NOTHING I have in mind for a relationship…
    a couple more weeks… I’m sticking to my timeline…

    Yaaaaayy Azure, this is so yummy & inspirational…

    If you don’t mind can I borrow it!?

    I love this mantra.
    It is so positive…dum.. de…dum…de…dum…de…dum…
    de…dum…

    I love how you are taking responsibility and taking ownership for your relationship with Spirit CD…

    Woo-hoo! 🙂



  12.  #12Labbit on April 23, 2015 at 3:46 pm

    9 Femininewoman — Hee! For some reason your comment reminded me of a conversation I had with my ex-fiance, before we were engaged. I think we’d been dating about 5-6 months and were on the phone. (This was pre-Rori, by about 2-3 years.) I remember telling him ‘You know I think we should talk every day.’ And he responded, ‘Every day? Like, EVERY every day…?’ He was partly joking yet also serious…it blew his mind that it was normal for couples to speak every day. I’m chuckling about it now. Even once we lived together I can remember nights where he’d come home and be so dead to the world that we’d go almost the entire evening without talking.

    To his credit, he did start calling every day after we talked about it, but I remember a lot of resistance to it on his part and also he’d always find a way to work it into the conversation…’I can’t believe we’re talking again! We just saw each other yesterday.’ Etc. What a funny guy he is. What a funny relationship we had.



  13.  #13Labbit on April 23, 2015 at 3:48 pm

    TenderCD comes home tomorrow and I CAN’T WAIT. I’m also trying to stay calm…I know he’ll be exhausted and most likely will just want to sleep through the weekend to recover. I want to jump all over him yet I know that’s ill-advised. My feelings have been a little down in the dumps today…I think him being away is raising up some old habits and triggers and I see myself wanting to lean forward and overfunction. When I can calm myself, soothe myself, forget about him and enjoy whatever is right in front of me, he must feel it as he almost always reaches out.



  14.  #14Helena Hart on April 23, 2015 at 4:28 pm

    Yay!! I’ve so enjoyed getting to know all of these wonderful coaches this year, they’re amazing! 🙂

    Love, Helena



  15.  #15Tereana on April 23, 2015 at 9:08 pm

    Just left a big long post on an earlier thread – my computer wouldn’t update.

    (((((Millie)))))

    And tonight I feel like celebrating. Because I have been having some misgivings about V. But in fact I think most of them are unfounded. No, not quite. They are founded and my feelings are real. But then when I really feel them and get into them, he turns around and shows me something about how he cares.

    And tonight, he also said “I love you” without me saying it first.

    AND, instead of responding, I am simply going to bed.

    Up until now, I’ve been leading with the “I love you”s. But then I stopped. And now he said it. And I am just soaking it in… : ) Mmmmm, wonderful sireny feeling 🙂



  16.  #16Millie on April 23, 2015 at 9:10 pm

    Azure– I love hearing all the amazing things you are learning about yourself!! Yay you–it is so wonderful getting to know you, thank you for sharing! I know it is difficult to lean back and give Spirit the space he needs….Oh how I know this. But it sounds like you are doing great! He invited you over, that’s positive! I think just keep doing what you are doing and speaking in feeling messages and see what happens. Yeah, 9 months could be perceived as awhile, but it depends on your timeline and his. I’ve heard so many different stories about successful relationships and all happen in different paces and timeframes.



  17.  #17Millie on April 23, 2015 at 9:14 pm

    Ladies, just wondering, in your experience in situations similar to mine….everything is perfect, then life gets in the way and the man starts to withdraw, you chase a bit, and then he withdraws completely…did he come back? And how long did it take? I know I shouldn’t be asking these questions, I should be focusing on me and not even wondering about him. But, it’s hard not to. I’m looking forward to my trip, I think that will really help me get out of my familiar space and mindset.



  18.  #18Victoria on April 24, 2015 at 12:09 am

    Millie,
    I have not been on the receiving side, but I have disappeared from relationships in which the man was at the end shocked and kept saying “how come, I thought everything was perfect”. In these circumstances, things have been perfect for him, but not for me for quite some time, but I did not value the relationship enough to try to renegotiate, or had tried several times to ask him to stop a certain behavior and he would not, or someone exceptional came around and just swepm me off my feet. I did go back to one man whom I had left in this way, and we dated again for an year, and then I broke his heart a second time. I did not mean to hurt him or anything, but the same issues I had with him the first time (it was mostly a generational thing because he was 10 years older) were still around, and frankly he could not solve them no matter how hard he tried.
    In my personal opinion, there is no point in waiting for someone to come back. It is better to live your life as if they would not, and then decide on the spot if they do.



  19.  #19Azure Blu on April 24, 2015 at 1:57 am

    FeminineW #9
    Mmmmm… good point…

    Now I want to focus on the positive
    This WILL work out…
    I want to try and keep my heart open
    unzipped when he does contact…

    *I* think I’m being open and vulnerable by NOT cding
    and wanting to see him…
    I’m guessing – *He* thinks he’s being open and vulnerable by NOT cding and working hard at his job
    and talking about a future with me

    He probably feels VERY vulnerable sharing these things with me…
    talking about the future with me
    How much $$ we would have to live on when we retire
    He keeps SAYING positive things…
    wanting to take us on BIG trips

    BUT I’m feeling disconnected and needy because of the lack of contact

    ultimately I want to actually say:
    “Darling Spirit….I feel happy and excited talking to you on the phone and seeing you…
    I feel secure and loved when we talk everyday on the phone, see each other 2-3 times a week. What are your thoughts?”



  20.  #20Azure Blu on April 24, 2015 at 2:02 am

    Millie#16 and Waterfall.#11..
    Thank you for your wonderful support…
    I’m glad what I have shared was helpful…

    It is always reassuring for me to hear other peoples timelines are all different… whatever works for each of us!



  21.  #21Azure Blu on April 24, 2015 at 2:04 am

    Labbit
    ohhhh… warm, loving, beautiful YOU!!!
    I’m sooo happy to hear Tender will be home today…

    I don’t know why you can’t just gush all over him given the commitment and intimacy of your relationship…
    Of course… as we know… being sensitive to his energy…
    Have FUN!!! :0))



  22.  #22Azure Blu on April 24, 2015 at 2:19 am

    Good morning Sirens.
    Wow… I found this in my archives…
    I have no idea who wrote this…

    Enjoy….

    “If you’re feeling brave, try speaking this aloud:
    I am no longer looking for the perfect partner.
I am my own perfect partner.
    Say it even stronger:
    I am no longer looking for the perfect partner
to salve all my wounds
and fix all my mix-ups
and bridge all my chasms.
I am no longer looking for the perfect partner
because I am my own perfect partner.”
    “Now if it is your will and desire to agree to the following vows, say them:
    I vow to treat myself with adroit respect and resourceful compassion and outrageous grace.
    I pledge to see my problems as tremendous opportunities and my flaws as imperfect talents.
    I promise to shower myself with rowdy blessings and surprising adventures and brave liberations.
    As long as I live, I vow to die and be reborn, die and be reborn, die and be reborn, over and over again, forever reinventing myself.
    I promise to be stronger than hate, wetter than water, deeper than the abyss, and wilder than the sun.
    I pledge to remember that I am not only a sweating, half-asleep, excitable, bumbling jumble of desires, but that I am also an immortal four-dimensional messiah in continuous telepathic touch with all of creation.
    I vow to love and honor my highs and my lows my yeses and noes, my give and my take, the life I wish I had and the life I actually have.
    I promise to push hard to get better and smarter, grow my devotion to the truth, fuel my commitment to beauty, refine my emotions, hone my dreams, wrestle with my shadow, purge my ignorance, and soften my heart — even as I always accept myself for exactly who I am, with all of my so-called foibles and wobbles.
    I pledge to wake myself up, never hold back, have nothing to lose, go all the way, kiss the stormy sky, be the hero of my own story, ask for everything I need and give everything I have, take myself to the river when it’s time to go to the river, and take myself to the mountaintop when it’s time to go to the mountaintop.
    I vow to love myself unconditionally and unconventionally until the end of time and beyond.
    I now pronounce you your own husband and your own wife, married to yourself in the eyes of the Divine Wow or Yo Mama Nature, whichever you prefer, as death and life and death and life bring you together, over and over again, in new and exciting ways each time, forever and ever, until the end of time and beyond.
    You may kiss yourself on your own lips.”



  23.  #23Azure Blu on April 24, 2015 at 2:28 am

    lovetodance #170 on the last thread…
    Ahhh… lovely, beautiful siren.
    so feel happy and warm reading your posts

    I feel supported and cheered on… thank you…
    you mean so much to me…

    I can’t believe it has been 3 weeks since you broke it off with your cd…
    I feel you blossoming in this Spring time
    by opening your heart and body with this man
    Seeing alll the wonderful amazing qualities he has..
    AND taking EXQUISITE care of *YOU* by listening to YOUR heart and not taking on something you were NOT feeling would be good for your life!!!
    YOUR SELF ESTEEM and self TRUST must be souring!!
    *YOU* taking up for YOU!!!

    your warm heart cding the world
    and going to this festival with a reborn, renewed YOU!!
    I love hearing about your journey,
    Thank you



  24.  #24Victoria on April 24, 2015 at 2:37 am

    Azure,
    I love love love what you just posted!
    On Spirit, it seems to me (based on only what I know from you obviously) that he will most likely not intensify his level of contact and initiation. From his perspective your relationship is probably just fine (perfect may be?). You have allowed him to show you what level of conctact he desires, and you know exactly how much it is. You can stay with him only if you are so busy with your own things that you have no emptiness needing to be filled in. Golfers go missing for days and weeks, this in nothing against you, they just love the game (it beats me why but they do). I am seriously considering taking up golf myself (F. does not play, I just want to be able to lean back even more, hehehe, the mean fox that I am).



  25.  #25Azure Blu on April 24, 2015 at 5:09 am

    Ohhh… my goodness!!

    sooo this morning at 7:30 am I get a text from Spirit…
    with a cool photo from somewhere online (so he had to look for this)
    it is about a magazine that i produce for the pony industry… i can totally use this photo!!
    AND he asked me out for dancing tonight~!!!

    After I
    leaned back
    and asking for what I want
    and asking for his help to solve the issue (and giving it 1 week and a half)
    AND being happy to hear from him when he did lean forward!!!
    but NOT running over to see him
    when he asked me to meet on Tue.
    WOW… Rori’s tools work !!!
    Thank you ALL for your AMAZING support through
    My Anxiety, fear, who cares, I care soooo much,
    dispair, insecurities, top of the mountain, bottom of the glacier etc, etc oxoxoxo!!!!!

    Now I get to practice having my heart unzipped
    BUT NOT being tooooo gushing! cause HE is soooo adorable!!! :-))
    I love going dancing with Spirit!!!



  26.  #26Tereana on April 24, 2015 at 5:19 am

    I am just feeling so yummy today. Still feeling the happiness of hi saying from himself that he loves me. : )

    Yes, I did reach out to him to “talk.” And he wasn’t really able to. But we did get to text a bit. And in that I wasn’t too forthcoming with emojis or anything like that. I even tried to write short messages.

    And I can say this, too. Even though I do consider us to be “exclusive,” I nevertheless am CDing to a certain extent. I went on a coffee date with an old CD a few weeks back (he didn’t even offer to pay for my coffee, tho. So it wasn’t a “real” date ; ) . I flirt and make eye contact with men. And I even had a flirty conversation with a bi woman friend. And I checked the messages on my online profile. I *know* all the time that I don’t “have” to stay with V. If I wanted out, I could easily get it, and I’d have plenty of options.

    So I believe when I do all these things, and when I’m feeling down and I start coming up with ways to make *me* happier, he can feel this shift in my vibe. From the other side of the world, he will respond and send me a little message. Or like last night, without me asking, to tell me he loves me 🙂

    So I think I’m doing it. I think I’m finally CDing. Lol after what? Five years of practice, or something like that? I guess anything worth doing takes hard work, time, and dedication. And it’s not like I’m “done.” But I finally feel like I have a kind of a skill.

    We even talked once about how I wouldn’t see him every night, even though I wanted to. I said I didn’t want to rush into things and also I wanted him to want me more. He says it worked ; )

    So go do it! If you are feeling stuck and frustrated, it doesn’t mean what you are doing isn’t “working.” It doesn’t mean you aren’t making progress. It means you are feeling yourself on your path. And even the “bad” feelings will help you forward. Sometimes those especially…



  27.  #27Tereana on April 24, 2015 at 5:21 am

    Oops: corrections –

    *him saying he loves me

    &

    * I wouldn’t see him every night even though HE wanted to…



  28.  #28Labbit on April 24, 2015 at 5:31 am

    17 Millie — Ahhh, Millie. I just want to wrap you up in a big hug!! I’ve been in your shoes…a man who blew into my life on a gust of wind, romanced my socks off, made declarations about our future and would do things like walk me by buildings where we’d eventually live, show spots in the park where our wedding reception would be, make love to me all night long and then again the next morning after a few brief hours sleeping wrapped up in each other’s arms…and then POOF. I didn’t like him much at first but after a couple of months of this non-stop romance how could I not be in love with him? He wanted to give me everything I was looking for and more!

    After about 3 months of this incredible dating whirlwind, he was just gone one day. Left me a voicemail on my cell that he was really busy the next week and would be in touch…and then never was. I did everything you did — waited about two weeks, at which point the confusion and panic of not hearing from him seeped in. Called him, texted him, looked up his work number and called him there, stopped by his favorite bar…it didn’t matter. He was gone.

    For months afterwards I was SO SURE he’d be back. No one says all those things if they don’t mean them, right? I went on dates…and compared them all to him. And so on, I know you know where I’m going with this. Your brain is stuck on him as this marvelous thing, a fantasy really. What you shared was very real but it didn’t work. Might this man come back? Sure. But if he does, it likely won’t be the same, not nearly as good. Or it will take time…time that you BOTH need to do growing and learning to get to a point where you’re different than the people you are now. Stories where men come back are the rare exception…not the rule. Would you live your life with no job, planning to win the lottery for money? Even though winning the lotto could happen…probably not.

    And hoping that he’ll come back only builds up a wall inside — a wall that no other man can scale, break through, or find a path around. Oftentimes these men come into our lives as a milestone. We have something very hard happen to us, because by being hard we LEARN the lesson. Can you see how you’ve now learned not to chase after a withdrawing man? How you’ll NEVER do that again, or if you do you’ll catch yourself before it gets out of hand? This seems so cruel now but your next relationship will be all the better for this man’s teachings. And you’ll keep learning until the right man shows up, at which point it’ll feel SO EASY and everything you went through before will be so worth it.

    You haven’t done anything wrong and you couldn’t have changed anything you did. This is the hardest part — getting over the mindset that you could have done things differently, that they will be different if he comes back. As long as you’re ‘waiting’ on him to come back…even if you’re going through the motions of not waiting for him, he’ll stay far away. Let go of him. Right now, he’s not your future husband. I promise. So why waste time wondering about him or playing scenarios out in your head? Be open to finding the guy who IS your future husband.



  29.  #29Labbit on April 24, 2015 at 5:40 am

    21 Azure Blu — Well, it’s not that I can’t gush all over him — I absolutely could! And I probably will fuss over him mightily when he comes home. It’s more that…I don’t need to. It won’t serve us. He’s coming home very late tonight, he’ll have just gotten off a super long flight, spent time waiting for his bag and the car home, sat in traffic…if he comes home energetic and wanting to make love right away of course I’ll enthusiastically say yes! But much more likely is that he’s going to dump his suitcase and jacket in a heap, wrap me up while he stumbles back into the bedroom, and then we’ll lay on the bed together while we fall asleep. I’m perfectly fine with that, and me gushing all over him in that scenario would only further exhaust him and might upset me for no reason, you know?



  30.  #30Femininewoman on April 24, 2015 at 6:51 am

    Azure I love that update



  31.  #31Millie on April 24, 2015 at 7:01 am

    Ohhh Labbit and Victoria….. I hear you. I am still reacting in pain to words of truth. My body is fighting me… I can let him go. I can. I still have his stuff. This feels unbelievable. But I can let him go. I feel like laying in bed all day and crawling into a cave. But I know that’s not what I need to do. At this moment I don’t see how I could trust or feel open to a man who is pursuing me. I am filled with doubt right now. I know that will change, but right now… This sucks.



  32.  #32Millie on April 24, 2015 at 7:05 am

    Side note… Mechanic has been initiating contact a lot. And told me he had a sex dream about me. Ok….. The universe is so strange. Haha I can laugh at this.



  33.  #33Millie on April 24, 2015 at 7:20 am

    Maybe when my guy comes to my brain, I should think about all the reasons I don’t want to be him. Instead of why I do. Maybe that will turn my mind around.
    I don’t want a man who:

    -chooses to ignore me
    -doesn’t value my feelings
    -makes excuses
    -cannot communicate and makes sure I understand
    – doesn’t let me know in words what he needs
    -pretends everything is ok
    -has a relationship history where he hurt another woman by staying with her when he clearly did not want the same things she did
    – chooses to ignore his partners needs
    -chooses to stay in a relationship where he has no intent
    -I do not want a man who does not want me
    -I do not want a man who shuts me out
    – I do not want a man who is inconsistent
    – I do not want a man who makes me feel bad
    -I don’t want to feel bad in my relationship.
    – I want to understand and respect a man.
    – I’m sorry….. And I must forgive myself as well….

    :(((((



  34.  #34Beloved on April 24, 2015 at 7:21 am

    Azure Blue – 22 was written by Rob Breszny, from his book “Pronoia is the Antidote to Paranoia” 😀

    Here’s more:

    I Me Wed
    http://www.freewillastrology.com/beauty/beauty.main268.shtml
    …….

    Now hold your own hand. Either speak the following declarations or use them as inspiration to create your own:

    I love everything about me.

    I love my curious beauty and my amazing pain.
    I love my hungry soul and my changeable games.
    I love my mysterious gambles and my humbling brags.
    I love my blooming darkness and my burning flags.

    I love my flaws, my gaps, my catalytic fears.
    I love my puzzling insights and my scary frontiers.
    I love my wrongs, my rights, and my ambiguous dreams.
    I love my courage, my cowardice, and my elaborate schemes.

    I love everything about me.
    I love everything about me.

    Now either make these promises to yourself, or use them to inspire your own versions:

    I will never forsake, betray, or deceive myself.
    I will always adore, forgive, and believe in myself.
    I will never refuse, abandon, or scorn myself.
    I will always amuse, delight, and redeem myself.

    Beauty and truth and love will always find me.
    Chaos and wilderness will always sustain me.
    I’m the fire and water and earth and air that are forever fresh from eternity.
    I’m a perfect creation and everything alive is naturally in love with me.

    Now if it is your will and desire to agree to the following vows, say them:

    I vow to treat myself with adroit respect and resourceful compassion and outrageous grace.

    I pledge to see my problems as tremendous opportunities and my flaws as imperfect talents.

    I promise to shower myself with rowdy blessings and surprising adventures and brave liberations.

    As long as I live, I vow to die and be reborn, die and be reborn, die and be reborn, over and over again, forever reinventing myself.

    I promise to be stronger than hate, wetter than water, deeper than the abyss, and wilder than the sun.

    I pledge to remember that I am not only a sweating, half-asleep, excitable, bumbling jumble of desires, but that I am also an immortal four-dimensional messiah in continuous telepathic touch with all of creation.

    I vow to love and honor my highs and my lows my yeses and noes, my give and my take, the life I wish I had and the life I actually have.

    I promise to push hard to get better and smarter, grow my devotion to the truth, fuel my commitment to beauty, refine my emotions, hone my dreams, wrestle with my shadow, purge my ignorance, and soften my heart — even as I always accept myself for exactly who I am, with all of my so-called foibles and wobbles.

    I pledge to wake myself up, never hold back, have nothing to lose, go all the way, kiss the stormy sky, be the hero of my own story, ask for everything I need and give everything I have, take myself to the river when it’s time to go to the river, and take myself to the mountaintop when it’s time to go to the mountaintop.

    I vow to love myself unconditionally and unconventionally until the end of time and beyond.

    I now pronounce you your own husband and your own wife, married to yourself in the eyes of the Divine Wow or Yo Mama Nature, whichever you prefer, as death and life and death and life bring you together, over and over again, in new and exciting ways each time, forever and ever, until the end of time and beyond.

    You may kiss yourself on your own lips.



  35.  #35Beloved on April 24, 2015 at 7:31 am

    I love the influence Rob has had on me!
    I have little stickies all over my room with phrases that I picked up from him. Right now I’m looking at one that says “Rowdy Blessings”. I feel like I’m in a rowdy blessing right about now 🙂

    So here’s more truth and beauty for you, Azure – and all sirens..!

    http://www.freewillastrology.com/beauty/beauty.main268.shtml

    “You came into this world as a radiant bundle of exuberant riddles. You slipped into this dimension as a shimmering burst of spiral hallelujahs. You blasted into this realm as a lush explosion of ecstatic gratitude. And it is your birthright to fulfill those promises.

    I’m not pandering to your egotism by telling you these things. When I say, “Be yourself,” I don’t mean you should be the self that wants to win every game and use up every resource and stand alone at the end of time on top of a Mt. Everest-sized pile of pretty garbage.

    When I say, “Be yourself,” I mean the self that says “Thank you!” to the wild irises and the windy rain and the people who grow your food.

    When I say, “Be yourself,” I mean the rebel creator who’s longing to make the whole universe your home and sanctuary.

    When I say, “Be yourself,” I mean the dissident bodhisattva who’s joyfully struggling to germinate the seeds of divine love that are packed inside every moment.

    When I say, “Be yourself,” I mean the spiritual freedom fighter who’s scrambling and finagling and conspiring to relieve your fellow messiahs from their suffering and shower them with rowdy blessings.”



  36.  #36Mandy on April 24, 2015 at 7:33 am

    Sirens,

    Mmm. I feel I need to address something I haven’t addressed before – teasing and criticism…

    I feel confused. Can anyone help me with being criticized by a man? J has taken to either criticizing me when he’s had some beers or doing it in front of my friends. Don’t get me wrong. I went to art college and all we did was give each other constructive criticism, and I learned to take it well. I can take it say one, two, three rounds…but after six or seven feel so overwhelmed and sick of trying to be graceful I just wish I had a remote switch to turn it off.

    I know Rori touched on this. J has become nothing but a critic of me lately, telling me how to be better organized, how to improve my life, and every single time he does it I just cringe and grind my teeth and want to punch something, and he goes on and on even when I say I feel uncomfortable talking about this.

    Part of me feels he’s doing it because he cares but also part of me feels he’s projecting himself. He pays so much attention to what I’m doing wrong he has no time to fix his own problems. He’s micro-managing me.

    I need a script to tell him I want him to knock it off. He won’t let up, I’ve told him over and over again I feel bad, I feel awful, I feel like shit when I am only told the things I do that are wrong.

    I don’t know why guys do this, I don’t know why my dad did it, I don’t know why my twin brother did it, I don’t know why classmates did it, I don’t know why anyone does it…why is what I do or the way I do things so damn interesting, anyway? Jeez, I feel so monitored by so many people!

    If anyone could help I’d be grateful…I hope everyone is well on Siren island…



  37.  #37Millie on April 24, 2015 at 7:36 am

    Wait a minute… So if you “go though the motions” of letting a man go… He can feel that and will stay away? If a man walks away, how can he feel your energy at all??? He’s not around. How can if he’s chosen to disconnect, can he feel anything you emit? Whether I lay in bed and cry or am out dating tons of guys, how can he feel what I’m doing?



  38.  #38Beloved on April 24, 2015 at 8:21 am

    Mandy – “I need a script to tell him I want him to knock it off. He won’t let up, I’ve told him over and over again I feel bad, I feel awful, I feel like shit when I am only told the things I do that are wrong.”

    I wonder if it’s *you* who needs to hear this.

    Is J seeing a therapist now?

    When my roomie felt the need to criticize and project on me recently – first I told her thank you, and that I needed space and distance (as criticizing and projecting aren’t something I am into anymore), did what I needed to do to make that happen, and then looked to my own triggers.

    For me, it was less about anything she was saying, and more about feeling triggered when someone wouldn’t stop when I said stop. In my teens, twice in one day my ex choked me and wouldn’t stop until I played dead. When I told her I needed to keep a distance from her and she didn’t, this is what got triggered. With my counselor, I was able to love and release where that felt stuck in my body, in my heart, throat and head.

    No idea what is going on with RoomieJ, since I feel SO happy to feel some space and don’t feel interested in getting close with her again any time soon – and – my part was totally about me and old trauma, if that’s useful to you at all.



  39.  #39Beloved on April 24, 2015 at 8:23 am

    **When I told her I needed to keep a distance from her and she didn’t, this is what got triggered.
    (by her, I mean RoomieJ – I wrote this in a confusing way.)



  40.  #40Azure Blu on April 24, 2015 at 9:10 am

    FeminineW #30
    Thank you!!
    :-))



  41.  #41Azure Blu on April 24, 2015 at 9:15 am

    Beloved #38
    Soooo beautiful how you took this trigger and
    realized the EXQUISITE depth and lesson
    for *YOU*…
    That sounds sooo scary to have to pretend being “passed out” to get him to quit choking you…
    I am sooo happy you are still here!!



  42.  #42Azure Blu on April 24, 2015 at 9:19 am

    Beloved… Ahhh Rob Breszny

    I do love his “Rowdy Blessings” &
    immortal four-dimensional messiah in continuous telepathic touch with all of creation.
    oxoxo



  43.  #43Indigo on April 24, 2015 at 9:33 am

    Mandy,

    I would turn away from him and walk out of the room. I would do this for anyone who was criticising me.



  44.  #44Mistea1 on April 24, 2015 at 9:35 am

    Azure blu,
    You are really on fire today. And you are going dancing with Spirit
    HOW WONDERFUL!

    I copied the great Rob Breszny quotes. Very helpful to my bruised psyche.

    Millie 33,
    That could have been written by me. Exactly what MusicTd did. He doesn’t get to do that to me anymore.

    I heard a talk about Mr Rogers Neighborhood which was a children’s program here in the USA in the 70s.

    One quote stuck out. “I like you just the way you are. Now let’s grow together.”
    It still rings true for me today even and especially about the impossible ones. It then becomes their choice if they want to grow together with us.

    He also discussed the death instinct, and how we can sublimate it by realizing that it is OK to be angry but not OK to hurt ourselves or others.

    I want to continue to be aware about MusicTd that “What is essential is invisible to the naked eye.” In other words who they are inside.

    Yesterday, I went to a first meeting of a meditation group we are starting at the new church. It looks promising. During the meditation though I could see MusicTd in my minds eye as a small blue dot with yellow and red flares. It blinked several times and then winked out. I didn’t even think about that until later that evening.

    After our meeting though, I got in my car and drove directly south and ended up at the church I have wanted to find which has the best acoustics in the area and they have a sign up sheet so members can volunteer to usher and take tickets at their really good musical events! Plus it is not in the line of sight of his church like the second one. It’s too easy for him to see my car at the second church.

    Labbit 28,

    Your story painful as it is, is helpful to me. So far I am staying well away and only respond when he comes face to face and speaks first. He’s attempted to approach 4 times in last 3 months and spoken twice. Perhaps the new further away church will do the trick. I’m dragging myself off, kicking and screaming into the future to love and honor my being!! Ack, how sick is that? I mean that I must think so little of myself that I have to even think this?



  45.  #45Labbit on April 24, 2015 at 9:35 am

    Millie, what I meant is that when you’re pining after a man he’ll feel that as energetic pressure.



  46.  #46Indigo on April 24, 2015 at 9:42 am

    Millie 17,

    The honest truth is, most of the guys you date are not going to be your husband. So will they come back? Maybe. But will it really matter is the more pertinent question.

    There is a saying on this blog that bears repeating here: you can’t say or do the wrong thing with the right man. The right man Will come back. He won’t want to live without you. The way I see it, it’s not for us to be worried about who comes back and who doesn’t. It’s about self-fulfilling into the best versions of ourselves so that we can have the best relationship possible.



  47.  #47Kim on April 24, 2015 at 9:44 am

    Azure Blu, I am loving your spirit update too, I can see the happiness jump off your comment 🙂
    Have a great evening!



  48.  #48Kim on April 24, 2015 at 9:47 am

    I am sitting in the common room of our condominium trying to work. I had not heard from my guy until 12noon (he reserved the elevator from 10-4), even after sending him a text at 9am telling him where I am…just had a text, past noon to tell me he has been and is going to get more…
    I was already thinking he got cold feet lol…I was feeling mad at him for not answering or not telling me anything about his move etc…now I am just going to continue working, whatever lol.



  49.  #49lovetodance on April 24, 2015 at 10:08 am

    millie

    i have been riding along with you as you navigate this difficult journey…thank you for sharing so honestly and vulnerably….

    i really appreciated the list you made of why would i want to be with this man when….etc etc etc….this could be a poster for any of us as we actively detach velcro strand by velcro strand from a painful ending….

    the sirens have said such wise things to you…to all of us…our collective voices when our hearts are broken

    what resonates so clearly to me is when we stop blaming ourselves…..how HUGELY the pain lessens….
    we are human beautiful woman….learning…we are working with our raw material and their’s…all so unbeknowst to us in myriad ways…

    so take as much pressure off you beautiful siren as you can….turn the big ship around degree by degree…you are already heading into calmer and sunnier seas!



  50.  #50lovetodance on April 24, 2015 at 10:11 am

    [[[[[[kim]]]]]

    i keep hearing the song by the isley brothers as i read your recent posts….’hold on i’m coming’….

    taking his necessary scared frightened time maybe…yet still doing it…..



  51.  #51lovetodance on April 24, 2015 at 10:22 am

    azure darling…

    have a marvelous sexy rowdy bawdy time dancing tonite with spirit….he so lucky to be with you! so much love to you!

    and thank you for your referring to my post about the man…

    yesterday i heard a song that i felt he would appreciate and i sent it to him with a note of you don’t have to respond sending you this with warmth and deep regard…

    well he did respond saying he remembered my voice and laughter…sweet woman

    i felt so relieved that he wasn’t harboring hostility towards me..or so i choose to believe

    i texted him if he thought we could be friends?
    he texted back yes sweetheart he would love to be a friend…

    we texted back and forth as i leaned forward and asked him to a talk by a man named martine prachtel …a healer, writer, musician….indigenious shaman like kinda guy…anyhow he is not available but it felt good to be as in friend mode and invite him somewhere…

    i feel one of my challenges and learnings is how to be friends with men….how to learn to be open emotionally and not keep those degrees of distance because they are men….

    is it possible…the age old question…to be ‘just’ friends….and even then how much emotional honesty and processing is okay with them?

    i know that is such a general question and so dependent on them as individuals…just whats swirling in my being right now…..



  52.  #52lovetodance on April 24, 2015 at 10:31 am

    mistea1

    i love this….’what is essential is invisible to the naked eye …in other words who they are inside”

    ohhhhh so true
    such words to live by

    thank you….
    and
    of course
    others looking at us….the ones who know this….yes the ones that know this….

    i feel you are doing such big healing work here…i just see the rainbow in sight for you…your intention is so strong musically , spirtually, healingly….
    rock on Mistea1!



  53.  #53Kim on April 24, 2015 at 10:53 am

    Lovetodance LOL
    I just peeked up there, lots of boxes but can still move around to the important bits…letting him get on and do his thing…me working away….staying out of it 🙂
    Being a girl haha



  54.  #54Lovetodance on April 24, 2015 at 11:03 am

    Kim….you sound good wise fun siren!



  55.  #55Azure Blu on April 24, 2015 at 11:13 am

    Kim #47
    Thank you sooo much! :-))
    Yes, I imagine I shall

    I always feel like a ballarina when I dance with him;
    He melts when I tell him this…



  56.  #56Azure Blu on April 24, 2015 at 11:17 am

    lovetodance #51
    so sweet… very interesting what you are posting
    about staying friends with x cds…
    how softly and warmly you both navigated that…
    :-))



  57.  #57Millie on April 24, 2015 at 11:33 am

    Labbit– yes I understand. Pining often goes hand in hand with processing. And I’m in the processing phase right now. I will come out of it… Just not overnight.

    Indigo– you are right. I know you are.

    lovetodance– thank you for your kind words as well. I am so fortunate to have all of you wise sirens by my side.

    I hear all of you… And I know what I need to do… And it will happen in time. I won’t always feel like this. I can be the person he fell in love with and more… But not to bring him back, to bring me back to myself, and bring more to me.

    When he met me, I had just been burned by that out of town guy. I didn’t care. I didn’t expect anything. In fact, I thought he wanted to hook up and was planning to just have fun and use it as practice. A night off from all the seriousness in my head. I was doing my own things… I danced, rode horses, had plans with my friends. I’m not so far from that…. It wasn’t long ago I loved myself and was happy. When I met him I leaned back so much because I wasn’t about to fall. But I did…. And it is what it is, but I’m not so far from the siren I felt I was and I can get that back.



  58.  #58Beloved on April 24, 2015 at 2:41 pm

    41 – Azure – awww, thank you! I’m happy I’m still here, too. It wasn’t scary to me then, it was just how it was. It was pretty normal for my life then.

    Mandy I want to say this about trauma, too – that it doesn’t have to be as extreme as what I’ve experienced, or violent even, to be a trauma stuck somewhere wherever it is that traumas live 🙂 Being told No! in a harsh voice by a caregiver, when we are young and feeling vulnerable, can be traumatic if we closed up around it and didn’t feel and process the experience fully.

    It also occurred to me that, if your father and your brother criticized you, then something about J might feel very, very familiar, emphasis on the “famili-“. Especially if you aren’t really having much of a sex life.



  59.  #59Linda on April 24, 2015 at 5:42 pm

    Hello Sirens. I have been computer less for a few days but I have mine back working again.

    I have just spent the last couple of hours reading the posts. There is so much going on. Sometimes I feel like I am reading a story and cant wait to read to see what happened next.

    I was moved to tears reading the “Me I Wed” posts. I have seen it before but this time I realized that I have actually able to personally identify with it because I have become the one that is here for me in many ways.
    My heart feels open and curious. I have been feeling the itch to be creative. I am not sure where that energy will take me but it feels invigorating.

    I also was quite interested in the posts that stemed from the situation with Azure and Spirit and the different views on responding to the text about the ball game.

    I can say that I find myself in a similar situation and can say that the route I have been choosing (which was mirror the energy and lean back) has produced even less contact. I am bored with it to honest.

    I can only assume that is seen as wrong to not respond to a text that was sent after I went to bed and and was asleep. That he expected a response to ” I am watching tv and feeling sleepy”. (after no contact all day and it was 9:30pm) P knows my schedule! I had a extremely demanding day yesterday at work and it starts at 5:30 AM and ends at 5PM I did not even get to eat my lunch until 4PM. I did not text a response to his “watching tv text” I did not feel it required one. This morning I get at 7AM saying “I text you Wed night a couple of times and have not heard from you since”? Huh?? What a jab that felt like.

    Tuesday evening I initated contact (which I rarely ever do) and inquired how he was feeling (his back had been painful for days)… he responded over 2 hours later and well after I had gone to bed …”back good, going to bed”.

    P knows what type of communication I desire between us. We have talked about it so many times. I have asked him for ideas on how we can fix the disconnect … his reply is says its a 2-way street. YUP I agree ! Obviously it means a little something to him or I would have not gotten the jab this morning about it and the silent treatment all day. piffft!

    I am practicing here with all this with him. I have some buttons being pushed. I feel… disrespected and definately not cherished. This type of action does discredit all his compliments and niceties and he wonders why I have had a hard time believing him .

    I guess I am learning more what I DO need by what I am not receiving.



  60.  #60Linda on April 24, 2015 at 6:44 pm

    Mille says…Pining often goes hand in hand with processing. And I’m in the processing phase right now. I will come out of it… Just not overnight.

    With deepest respect I am going to interject that this belief is NOT true. I will put in the same category of “Love hurts” or “Good relationships are the result hard work”.

    When those kind of statements and beliefs are self defeating and hindering. This is why I say this….

    I used to be the QUEEN of Pining. What a negative awful energy to invite into and have live my heart and soul. How awful and disempowering it is to allow our value to be dictated by someone else.

    WHen my own personal value and opinion of myself increased the less room there was for anyones opinion to matter like that. When I truly started to value and accept me I started making different choice which led to wanting protect and to nurture myself and feel good. I see pining as a choice. It is something I simply refuse to do. Yes I feel sorrow, yes I feel loss, yes I feel grief… but pining no.

    Just something to consider xoxo



  61.  #61Millie on April 24, 2015 at 7:24 pm

    Linda— I totally hear and understand your point! Thank you for pointing out that pining is a choice and it’s where we choose to put our emotional energy that matters. I do feel grief and loss as well….
    I understand what you mean about my value being so high I don’t long for a man who is unavailable. It brings me to think that if a woman values herself completely, rejection will not phase her… Because the only acceptance she needs is her own.



  62.  #62Linda on April 24, 2015 at 8:01 pm

    whooo hooo Millie ! YES!



  63.  #63prplpsn28 on April 24, 2015 at 8:25 pm

    🙂



  64.  #64Lovergirl on April 24, 2015 at 8:42 pm

    Chicago guy complained the other day that I never text him. I had wondered if something was up because he went almost a whole day without texting and then barely did the next day. I think he was testing to see if I would contact him first.

    I said oh I usually don’t just text guys out of the blue (which is actually true). He was like yeah but I’m not just “anyone”. He was all whiny about it.

    What’s funny is that S made the same complaint once, a long time ago, before I even found Rori. He complained that I never text him first or call him or ask him to do things and that he is always the one making plans to see each other.

    At the time, I thought I should try and do what he asked- total fail! When I called he acted annoyed and when I tried to suggest getting together he was busy. So I told him see, this doesn’t work, that’s why I let you call me. There was a time I called that we hung out and it was great, but overall it wasn’t working so I stopped after a few tries.

    He later admitted that he kind of liked it better when he makes the plans. SO that’s where things stayed with us. He hasn’t complained since. Admittedly there are times when I feel like maybe he wants more of that, or he seems unsure about approaching me because of it, but I just leave it up to him.

    Just my observation of the day. Actually had a decent time with Chicago last night but haven’t heard from him all day today, so I was thinking about it. I know he has his daughter tonight and also my phone has been weird. Twice I heard texting sounds but didn’t get a text, so not sure what’s up.



  65.  #65Lovergirl on April 24, 2015 at 8:48 pm

    As for S, hmmm… not sure about what’s going on with him. He texted me this morning, as he sometimes does, and just said “Good morning Lovergirl”. I was in the middle of doing some work that he asked me to do on my computer so we talked briefly about that and then he called me later in the day wanting to talk about it.

    There really wasn’t a reason for him to call, but he wasn’t super talkative either. He sounded kind of serious and not playful like he often is. I did mention one of my kids has a bday tomorrow and he asked how old he was and was like aww, they grow up so fast! I doubt he will ask me to hang out tomorrow, since he knows I will be busy with that. I don’t know if he is going on any more dates because I haven’t asked him.



  66.  #66Beloved on April 24, 2015 at 9:27 pm

    Whooooa. Did I really say that wasn’t scary?
    It was terrifying. Heartbreaking. I must have dissociated.



  67.  #67Indigo on April 25, 2015 at 12:45 am

    lovetodance 51,

    “is it possible…the age old question…to be ‘just’ friends….and even then how much emotional honesty and processing is okay with them?”

    I can share my own experience here. I am someone who has always had a lot of male friends, I have more male friends than women at the moment and that makes me sad – I would love to have a couple of close girlfriends.

    Anyway, yes, in my experience men and women can be friends. Perhaps one of the reasons why I gravitate to male friends is that they are always up for “doing” something, they are action orientated and make things happen and this can be fun. And as far as sharing with them, I have shared very deeply with my male friends and find them to be great confidants and quite able to handle the emotional side. BUT this comes with a caveat… be careful. As Rori so often talks about, it is the emotional side of life that a man craves from a woman, and once you start sharing emotionally deeply with a male friend they are almost certain to fall in love with you. This has happened to me more times than I can count.

    So my advice is, if you want to keep a man as a friend, you can, but keep a certain amount of friendly distance. Make sure you are happy with *just* friendship. Hanging out and doing things together every once in a while, make sure you don’t expect more.



  68.  #68Indigo on April 25, 2015 at 1:10 am

    So ladies, have any of you ever had the experience of, when you are really happy with your life, your nasty voices intensify?

    I am very happy in my new job – the work is interesting and stimulating, and the environment is idyllic. Hours on end of peace and tranquility, and co-workers who are patient and drama-free and whom I love as people. I’m happy, AND I feel like I’m stretching myself. It’s a wonderful feeling. And now for the first time in years, I have all kinds of nasty voices, making me feel about 14 years old, taking me back to a time when I felt gauche and insecure and desperate to fit in and unsure of my abilities.

    Things with D have been wonderful too – he’s been contacting me, planning ahead, spending lots of time with me, so sweet and making such an effort.

    And now I have these crazy nasty voices, regressing me back to my teenage years, which I thought I had left long behind me. Anyone can relate?



  69.  #69victoria on April 25, 2015 at 2:50 am

    Indigo
    In a new job even if you love it you don’t know whether they love you back. But there I think is ok to say I love you first 🙂
    With D… I don’t know you have NVs. I can kind of relate because even in the best times with F. Ifeel something is missing. Something that my mind does not want ( because of logistics and complications and what not) but my heart craves. I don’t call this feeling NVs though. I know it is me inner compasss and I trust it and I know one day everything will be just fine.



  70.  #70Indigo on April 25, 2015 at 3:19 am

    Victoria,

    Thank you for that. No… funnily enough for the first time in a long time I have no nasty voices where D is concerned, he has been wonderful.

    It’s the job. And I suppose it is normal but it feels so weird. I feel like it’s my mind or inner self pushing back because these feelings of peace and contentment are not ones I’ve felt in a while. Also, there is probably a healthy bit of inner caution in there, and that’s fine.



  71.  #71victoria on April 25, 2015 at 3:27 am

    Do you have a probation period? It is usually 6 months in my country, and I have always felt better after that.



  72.  #72victoria on April 25, 2015 at 3:30 am

    Also,
    I tend to worry a lot, my mind is looking for something to worry about. Maybe yours too? It means boredom more than anything else I guess



  73.  #73Indigo on April 25, 2015 at 4:34 am

    Victoria,

    Yes, I am on a probation period, 3 months. That is the norm in this country, although I have never had one before. It is unusual not to extend permanent employment after that, unless something goes very wrong, but yes maybe subconsciously I will feel better after that.

    I also think you have an excellent point! My mind is very active and looks for something to do. If everything is going well it has nothing to worry about, so it looks for something. Thanks for the reminder, I will consciously need to tell it to slow down, lighten up and chill out 🙂 A reminder I could use.



  74.  #74Lovetodance on April 25, 2015 at 5:01 am

    Thank you indigo for your response about male friends. I will definitely keep aware of my intentions….which can have their own slippery slope…..
    About the nasty voices and boredom
    This seems to be the human condition that Buddhism and other great spiritual traditions have grappled with Forever.
    The mind is restless. A great slave and lousy master as I have heard it referred to.
    This seems to be always where meditation is encouraged. One of those activities I know would be good for me but somehow don’t do !



  75.  #75Kim on April 25, 2015 at 7:12 am

    This thing about male friends…I find that all the male friends that are interested in keeping in contact and doing things were either one time romantically interested or still are…..lol….I have no idea how you ladies can have male friends, for me it never seems to work longer term, and they certainly fall off when they have a relationship or when they see that I am in one,
    All my male friends are on,y in contact sporadically, and are almost all ex dates/bf…..I feel sad about that, but it has never been any different, in fact, part of me doesn’t really believe that men crave friendships with women they ar enot or were once attracted to….unless they come as couple friends to couple friends.
    Well, that has been my experience.
    The girlfriends, however, stick around for decades…
    Interesting, huh?



  76.  #76Kim on April 25, 2015 at 7:17 am

    My man is moved in!
    The chaos is not as bad as I thought, he has been so cute, I think he is very happy and excited lol…and that has made me happy and excited.
    Yesterday we had pizza, after all the chaos, and he looked at me and said very seriously:
    ‘You know, Kim, I have been pretty gung ho about this movig thing because I want to be with you and I am serious’
    Ladies, it was such a beautiful moment but….I felt this massive giggle in my throat….GUNG HO?
    I almost made him repeat is but then I just smiled.
    Well, we have ‘only’ been dating for almost 2 years, and … Lol…it took him only 3 months to move…. I suppose there is one other person somewhere on this planet who might describe this as ‘gung ho’….lolol.
    I had tears in my eyes because I was suppressing the giggle and trying to eat pizza at the same time.
    OMG gung ho.
    Lol.
    I move countries on a whim…on a weekend…lol.
    It’s all good.
    I am sure we will get married when I am, like, 85 years old lol.



  77.  #77Kim on April 25, 2015 at 7:19 am

    And then he will say:
    Well, it only took me 45 years to get all this organized,
    Pretty gung ho, huh?
    Ok, I feel silly now but just thought I needed to share this comic moment with my ladies, in case you all meeded a laugh today….aaaahhhh…. 😉



  78.  #78Kim on April 25, 2015 at 7:25 am

    Just a question…are Christian Carter and Rori Raye the same person? Or the same ‘brand’? I just keep getting the same worded emails and special offers from both…kinda odd.



  79.  #79Indigo on April 25, 2015 at 7:30 am

    Kim,

    About the male friends… by and large that has been my experience too. The male friends tend to only be interested in doing things one on one with me, and only when you are single, and they tend to do things which are a bit “date-like” such as coming to pick me up or paying for me. I have one male friend like that now, I told him flat out at the beginning of us hanging out that I didn’t want to date and he swore he was not interested in that, but now I get this “vibe” from him, and he is suddenly wanting to do something every weekend (which I have been refusing). Also probably because I haven’t felt comfortable talking to him about D he thinks I am unattached. Hence my caution to Lovetodance about keeping a friendly distance. I have been down this road too many times and I find it uncomfortable.

    However, I have two male friends who are genuinely not interested in anything romantic with me, and stick around whether I or they am attached or single, and they have been terrific friends and great sources of strength. So it can happen but it tends to be the exception.

    Congratulations on the moving in!!



  80.  #80IamHis on April 25, 2015 at 7:48 am

    I feel a little scared & embarrassed to talk about Tim Tebow too much, but I really do feel incredibly good with him. I’ve been keeping my heart open to other men & just flirting and having fun in my own life.

    & I feel so silly worrying about this so maybe writing about it will make me feel better/get it off my chest.

    Tim Tebow watches me quite closely. It makes me feel so good and safe and a little scared too.

    He came in for a later shift yesterday & I was feeling really good yesterday, but also tired & sarcastic & a bunch of the guys & me were being playful/flirty/sarcastic. I think it made him jealous?

    Well, he’s always finding excuses to touch me/be near me & it always feels amazing, especially when I feel stressed and his touches feel especially comforting.

    My breathing usually changes significantly when he’s anywhere near me because he is so big and tall and I’m extremely attracted to him. I think he likes it because one time I let out a “mmm…it feels good having you close” kind of sigh, and he approached me again in the same exact way two seconds later, which of course didn’t have the same effect because the element of surprise wasn’t there.

    Anyway, I was very much in masculine energy yesterday, working really hard, just trying to get out of there because I had plans after, & TT comes up behind me to “accidentally” touch me, & he…like totally brushed the top of my boobs! Which like tickled/turned me on instantly, but my reaction was to jump & completely back away from him, freak out basically, & now I just feel worried he’s going to take it the wrong way. Like, of course I wouldn’t mind him touching my boobs in the proper context (marriage) but, I don’t know it just happened so fast & that was how I reacted.

    I feel silly and embarrassed, because I feel afraid like I’m going to get laughed at or ridiculed for my “inexperience” or “cluelessness about men”, but normally his touches feel really subtle and comforting or slowly building up to my feeling serial towards him, but that boobs graze that I honestly couldn’t tell how intentional or accidental it was, it just felt abrupt and weird and not like him or how we normally interact or something?

    Like I don’t know if he was testing me or if he touched more boob than intentional or if I was just more tactilly sensitive yesterday or what.

    & please don’t respond harshly. I am saving sex for marriage, but I am a sexual being who responds to touch the way any normal woman would, but boundaries are important to me. It feels good to be able to say no even when my body is saying yes, & to get to know a person gradually & for the corresponding touches to happen gradually., if that makes sense.

    I just don’t want him to stop touching me in the soothing, comforting ways he so often does. He’s very tender & protective with me & that feels really good.

    Wondering if he was just being a male microwave towards this female oven



  81.  #81Mistea1 on April 25, 2015 at 8:04 am

    Kim 75,

    Thank you for the clarification on the ‘male friends’ issue. That has been my experience too and I’m always a little suspicious about the just friends idea. I’ve always backed away when I realize this if I’m serious about a man or want to check him out.

    Latest was “we still love each other but just can’t live together'” Yea, sure sounds like unrequited twisted love to me.



  82.  #82Kim on April 25, 2015 at 8:45 am

    Oh Mistea, you are looking at it from the ‘dating someone with female friends’ side?
    I have always found this tough to handle exactly because of my experience with my male friends ‘wanting more’ and being attracted to me…
    I never felt good about my boyfriends having one or more close female friends, and they didn’t once things got serious.
    My guy now, well we had a HUGE problem with this in the beginning because he thought it was perfectly fine to be the house slave for his ex, i e petsit, walk in and out of her apartment to fix her IT equipment, and once even dropping plans because she needed him.
    I dumped him on e actually because he inisted on this friendship and attachment…and to me it was a dealbreaker.
    Now, he still dragged his heels about it even when we got back together and I just told him of my surprise and disbelief at insisting on being there for his ex when he knows this jeopardizes his current relationship.
    I did not feel I could say to him he must quit his weird friendship (being on call for when she has any kind of need for anything)….but I watched carefully…how things unfolded.
    In the end he did dial it down, and although I know they are still friends, she is calling less and he is discouraging her from connecting – just by not being as available.
    For now this is good for me…but I am always happy to revise my decision. He knows and understands that it’s not really making me happy and he has taken concrete steps to dial it down ok.
    So yeah, knowing that my male friends generally would jump at the opportunity of romance or sex with me, I am not tolerant of a man cavorting another woman when in a relationship with me.
    Don’t need that…lol



  83.  #83HeartBeat on April 25, 2015 at 9:45 am

    To you beauteous creatures, lounging on the beaches of Siren Island, bare breasts lifted to the golden sunshine and heads tilted back softly in delight,

    I had a date with a man tonight.
    It was a shocker.
    Like, heinous.
    Event after event happened.
    And yet, after an afternoon of wrestling ferociously with my feelings, feeling defeated, trapped and just not good, tonight I experienced the whole evening from a position of peace. I felt peaceful.
    I rocked soothingly into my body and feelings, absorbing my surroundings, this pattern over and over again.
    This powerful sense of trust, in my feelings, in my body, in my perception of the situation and my personal sense of space.
    I feel powerful tonight. I feel love for myself.

    Standing in line at the movies, I let my eyes wander over all the men there.
    Thicker, taller frames, broad shoulders, deeper voices.
    Delicious masculine aftershave smells seemed to dance right over to me and I absorbed it all in, feeling my skin jitter a little with pleasure.
    Their thick cushy jumpers layered with leather jackets, jeans and boots.
    Groomed, animated and gorgeous.
    Just looking at them my body sighed in pleasure at the thought of melting into a cuddle.
    Mmmm it felt wonderful.
    In contrast to the extremely erratic behaviour of my date, a visual image came to my mind as we hopped into the car for him to drive me home.
    I saw a calm, engaging man, relaxed, capable and mesmerized by me.
    I felt soft and suddenly aroused and desired. Oh!
    Tonight was clear skies, I can feel myself flowing, and it feels so good.
    The feelings supported me tonight, and I feel so grateful to them and to myself.
    The contrast, between this and being all caught up in a scraggly mess in my head, feeling hopeless and disorientated, ashamed and torn into pieces.
    The feelings being enough. Feeling their VALIDITY. Yes, I want this.

    I’m wishing good things for all of you 🙂
    I feel proud and grateful to be a part of this community.
    There’s good juju in the air tonight.
    I really believe we can do this.

    Lots of love,
    HeartBeat
    xxxx



  84.  #84Azure Blu on April 25, 2015 at 10:04 am

    Ohhh… my…
    the power of the Rori tools…

    Me sharing with Spirit 2 weeks ago
    how “I felt like I was chasing him…”
    “I know He’s good at finding solutions
    could he find one that would keep us MORE
    connected that would work for both of us”…

    Me being warm and inviting when he did
    make contact (wasn’t sure if he would or NOT)
    being surprised when he did
    BUT not rushing in

    Last night was VERY romantic…
    I could make fun of him… say this and that
    wasn’t enough/lame…
    BUT I am focusing on ALLLL the energy
    time and $$ He *IS* bringing!!
    ALLL the wonderful
    things HE does do!!
    and it IS transforming how *I*
    see our interactions
    with my heart unzipped
    (*ME* accepting Spirit just the way he is!!!
    isn’t that called unconditional LOVE?)
    And soooo he is FEELING
    MORE and MORE SAFE
    with me…
    and so is leaning forward more!!!
    I can feel his vibe opening up…

    we have been struggling with our conversations
    over religion/spirituality
    AND politics
    I have shared with him over the past 2 months how I am working on NOT being a know-it-all
    (ohhhh… yes… I am a BIG know-it-all!!! being the oldest of 3 sisters)
    Trying to learn to be a better listener…
    and I am getting much better…
    Last night we had the MOST AMAZING conversation
    about religion…
    YES it was actually a conversation!!!
    After dancing…While we were out at the local beer garden
    I sang him 2 of my favorite hymns
    and he sang me 2 of his… so sweet and intimate
    *I* can actually be THIS intimate (soooo different from 5 months ago)
    Just like Dominique teaches…
    *HE* can heal along with us… if he is willing!!!
    Such a HUGE wonderful, healing
    thing
    to watch us work on listening to each other
    MY heart is melting thinking about it…
    and I shared that with Spirit last night

    We had wild crazy loving sex!! Yummy!!
    this morning..He is playing golf…
    and has been texting me all morning
    with pict. and fun stuff…
    MMMMMmmmm…
    can this be?



  85.  #85Femininewoman on April 25, 2015 at 10:09 am

    Iamhis I do believe he will feel curious about what touching you feel like, if he will be able to turn you on with touch etc. Saving sex for marriage does make you a bad person if a guy touch your boobs. As a matter of fact I would be curious about how his touch feels on my skin and if I melt into it and surrender to his embrace. These things I believe are necessary for romantic relationships to work and I am not sure it is the wisest thing to do to wait for all this to happen only when you cross that threshold. Plus I believe when a guy is really attracted to a woman and wants to be with her he can’t keep his hands off her. So for me it is a good sign that he wants to touch and is finding a way to do it. This is a masculine man who will cross any barrier to get to what he wants. He I would not be surprised if he is curious about knowing if you will surrender to his touch and his leading so it would be good to find other ways to experience each others passion. Plus about the touch I’d say find ways to talk about such things. I don’t think any man would be prone to marry or want to marry a woman who seems frigid.



  86.  #86Femininewoman on April 25, 2015 at 10:11 am

    Kim I believe CC and Rori has some kind of agreement where they write things for each other’s clients.



  87.  #87Azure Blu on April 25, 2015 at 10:22 am

    Kim…
    I think FeminineW is correct…

    I have read CC while I was new to Rori
    and liked some of what he says…
    BUT the more I practiced the Rori tools
    the more I disliked the parts of CC
    where he wants you to ALWAYS be FUN and Playful
    THÅT is what men want!!! Ugggghhh
    What about ME just being ME!! (which actually *IS* fun and playful… BUT NOT allllll the time) other stuff bothered me…
    BUT he does advocate – figuring out what YOU want in a relationship and sharing that at the beginning of dating so you don’t waste your time with men who are NOT wanting the same things you do…

    For many reasons I like EMK much better!!!



  88.  #88Azure Blu on April 25, 2015 at 10:29 am

    HeartB #88
    I feel sooooo sunshiny warm reading your description of all the lovely Sirens lounging bare breasted on the beaches of Siren Island… MMMMMmmmmm

    Thank you for sharing how you were absorbing
    ALLLL that Yummmy Masculine energy…
    That is exactly how I feel when I am with Spirit…
    I have pasted and copied this into my archives
    Sooo very Sireny!!



  89.  #89Azure Blu on April 25, 2015 at 10:35 am

    KIM #76
    yayayayayay!!! the move in is official…
    How romantic to have pizza at the end of
    the move in night…
    My heart melted when I read what he said to you
    “‘You know, Kim, I have been pretty gung ho about this moving thing because I want to be with you and I am serious’
    So very romantic!!!
    MMMMmmmmm… sooo sweet…

    Interesting how he used the word “serious”
    So did Spirit when i said
    “Spirit….Maybe I misunderstood what You meant when you ask for us to be exclusive”
    “Dear Azure… I want you to know… I am serious about us”



  90.  #90Kim on April 25, 2015 at 10:35 am

    Azure, your update with your evening with Spirit sounds amazing….and promising! 🙂



  91.  #91Mistea1 on April 25, 2015 at 10:35 am

    Kim 82,

    Yes, exactly. I thought of your situation when I made the decision not to try and meet up with Lawguy when he made that comment about his ex wife. I wasn’t that interested anyway. So thanks.



  92.  #92Kim on April 25, 2015 at 10:38 am

    89…yes, yes, it was very sweet and romantic and I could not shoot him down by telling him it was not really gung ho…..because that was clearly his perception….so for him it was a fast and furious process, while for me it felt like years…lol.
    I respected it. I just loved the moment anyway….I was not going to make fun of it, but now I can laugh about it 🙂
    So nice what Spirit said! You have inspired him to come so much closer to you!



  93.  #93Azure Blu on April 25, 2015 at 10:47 am

    Kim #92
    Yes… so funny… him thinking his actions showed How GUNG-HO he is!!!
    :-)). LOL
    Good thing he told you he *IS* gung-ho!!!

    Exactly what Siren Island is for…
    laughing at the irony of it ALLL
    Men are from Mars Women are from Venus

    Sending slathering, exquisite jasmine love to
    you
    as you embark on the next part of
    Your Baudatious Life!!!



  94.  #94Mandy on April 25, 2015 at 1:13 pm

    Beloved and Indigo,

    Haha, I have to share something great, lol! I am sorry for my late response!

    OH Beloved and Indigo…YES, I have a trigger…a BIG one lol…I have a twin brother..and I’m seriously LAUGHING in humor..comedy…because…it’s FUNNY to me. The subject of my twin brother is funny, humorous, child-like, very laughable, because I love him like crazy and he’s still awesome even though he teased the hell out of me as a kid, lol. My emotions are mistaking J for my twin brother sometimes! LOL. You see – as a child my twin would tease me until I yelled, and my parents would come separate us, lol.
    I mean any way you can think, he made me miserable in a very childish manner…you know, name-calling, exposing my secrets, telling me I was fat, etc. He would never ever leave me be because it was either too much fun, or he needed to let out some energy or anger, or he felt awful about himself so he took it out on his twin sister (and I’ve already forgiven him for all of it, that’s why I’m laughing, lol.)

    But, dear Beloved and Indigo… Point being…YES, it’s a trigger from my twin. Figuring that out…actually makes me want to laugh until I can’t breathe. How silly and child-like IS that trigger??? Hahaha. I’m LAUGHING at it!

    I love being able to laugh at my trigger and say haha you are silly! It really feels great, even better than saying my feelings are okay 🙂

    Oh my goodness, how can I not laugh! Now when J doesn’t stop I’ll probably smile and say okay and go do the dishes like my mom does, lol. J knows when he needs to stop but something keeps him going like the need to explain himself or that he’s trying to help.

    He even runs after me if I try to walk away or go to bed. Which actually I like, but it means he also won’t stop, lol.

    Thanks for the insight, it gave me a smile, Beloved and Indigo…

    I love you Sirens!!!! 😀



  95.  #95Kim on April 25, 2015 at 1:32 pm

    Azure, ha!
    Thank you….I had to look up that word ‘bodacious’…never heard it before! Loooove learning new words!!
    Oh besides, the gung ho moving episode is not finished yet..maybe by monday 😉



  96.  #96Beloved on April 25, 2015 at 5:32 pm

    Mandy – oh, I feel so happy you found a way to find laughter in the experience!
    Now if I can find laughter with RoomieJ….omg…I want to wring her neck. She stopped coming to my room, but whenever we are in the kitchen together, she makes POINT of getting in front of me.
    I feel so PIST thinking about it.
    WTF is SO hard about just staying away from me? It’s like, every time I start to feel calmed down and considering scheduling a time to talk with her, she just has to act in a way that feels so blatantly disrespectful of my request.
    Ugh.
    This is my bad, because we didn’t have clear, written agreements going into this. TG had never rented out before, and really, nobody with rental experience would have rented to me with no job.
    So, I’m going to keep my head down, and suck it up until I can afford to move.



  97.  #97Liquid Light on April 25, 2015 at 5:50 pm

    If someone were to touch me at work and it wasn’t by accident, I would be very uncomfortable with that. Not only is that unprofessional, its bordering on sexual harassment. Its a tricky line to tread and if push comes to shove, guess who will likely end up with the short end of the stick and beating the pavement?



  98.  #98IamHis on April 25, 2015 at 7:20 pm

    Yeah that’s the thing. Context is everything. I felt especially jumpy about my boobs yesterday because guys seemed especially distracted by them. I was in uniform so it had nothing to do with what I was wearing, but I am pretty sure I was ovulating. My engaged superior who is usually very professional and never makes me feel uncomfortable even seemed to be distracted by them yesterday. He had to work near me and use tools that were near me but it was like he could not maneuver around me without my boobs distracting him. Since he is very respectful and I feel completely comfortable around him, I just said “hey, watch those hands.” in a playful way. He was being really careful not to touch, even with the forced close proximity of the workspace we were in & I respect that.

    I probably won’t bring it up, as that would feel forced & awkward.

    But



  99.  #99Azure Blu on April 25, 2015 at 7:24 pm

    LiquidL #97
    I so agree…
    to me None of this is appropriate for either one



  100.  #100IamHis on April 25, 2015 at 7:29 pm

    I do need to find a way to talk to TT about touch. It’s weird because we are not very verbal with each other and I almost feel like touch is the primary way we communicate with each other.

    We reassure each other with it, comfort each other with it, flirt with touch. I feel like I communicate how safe and grateful I am for all his help and looking out for me through touch. The tender way I touch him is really the only way I treat him differently from other guys at work. That worries me a little, because I never feel like I show the appropriate amount of interest to the ones I’m REALLY interested in…



  101.  #101IamHis on April 25, 2015 at 7:36 pm

    …setting up expectations here, but it would feel good if he just got my number and we could take this out of work.



  102.  #102Indigo on April 25, 2015 at 11:24 pm

    HeartBeat,

    I loved reading the update about your date, and especially your descriptions. It is inspiring me to be poetical…

    On Friday night, I was at D’s house and we were watching a movie. I had my head on his chest and he had his arms wrapped around me. He is a biggish guy, tall with broad shoulders, and I felt utterly content and protected, it had been a long week so I fell asleep. It was such a sweet moment, what I had been longing for.

    It puts me in mind of what Azure said, about how we could moan about how it isn’t enough but what good would that do? I want to appreciate all the energy and time and affection and financial investment he is bringing to me now. We have seen each other so much over the last 3 or 4 weeks, and it’s been wonderful. I was at his house on Thursday night, and I’ve taken to not leaning forward but just trying to trust him more and more to make plans, much like Azure Blu has been doing. So as we were saying goodnight on Thursday night I said “I’d love to see you this weekend, what do you think?” He said he’d message me during the day on Friday to make plans. On Friday morning he did text and said he was feeling tired, and would like a bit of a break and we could see each other on Sunday? I said ok and that I would miss him because he makes me happy. Most of the time I am easy going but I have taken to expressing my feelings in a soft way. Rori is right, it does bring us closer together and men do want to make us happy, but how can they if we don’t let them know how we feel?

    So anyway, I had to go and collect my cat from D as he had been looking after her, and he greeted me at the door and said he wanted me to stay after all. I felt so happy, it was what I had wanted all along for Friday night. I just want to be together, that’s all. But mostly I felt happy that he felt safe enough to come close again after being unsure. He always takes such good care of me when we are together, and especially these days, pays for everything, makes sure I have everything I need. It is everything I wish for.

    On Friday night he and I were having a debate about overpopulation – I actually don’t like getting into these debates with him, it feels far too “thinky” and I feel distant from him and I hate having to defend my views. But I think I was overtired and my brain was working overtime and I got drawn into it. In truth all I wanted to do was relax and chill out and recharge. However it was very sweet, because whilst we were debating, D kept making the point that if it came to it and he had to choose between my life and the life of another, it would be an easy choice for him. It made me feel very protected and safe.

    At a certain point I could see he got sick of being “thinky” and distant too and he said he was tired of debating, and we dropped it and he wrapped me up in his arms. It was a good reminder of a what Rori was saying in a story about when her husband thought she had burnt the food… men prefer us soft. I prefer me soft too. I SO much prefer it when he and I are soft and close and connected.



  103.  #103Azure Blu on April 26, 2015 at 9:08 am

    Indigo #102
    Ahhhh… lovely Siren…
    I feel calm, warm and sunshiny reading this story…
    It must be how D feels, when you are together
    and you have YOUR HEART soooo open…
    mmmmm….

    Such a sweet acceptance of a “No” from D…
    and HOW VULNERABLE to say.
    “Ok, but I will miss you because you make me happy”

    for me it is such a GREAT practice to ask for what i want… engage their input…
    and then let go… AND be surprised…

    Indigo…It feels like our self esteem has gotten
    so much better that WE CAN softly ask
    and then let go…
    Yayyayayayay… Rori tools and
    Yayayayay US for being BRAVE and changing
    and LOVING US!!!



  104.  #104Indigo on April 26, 2015 at 9:47 am

    Azure Blu,

    That’s exactly how it feels.

    “for me it is such a GREAT practice to ask for what i want… engage their input…
    and then let go… AND be surprised…”

    There was a time when I felt like I either had to “do drama” and have a small temper tantrum/argument, or suck up my feelings and say or do nothing. I didn’t feel strong enough for anything else.

    Now, I feel strong enough inside to be able to softly express how I feel and then let go, and TRUST. And prepare to be surprised. It’s a slightly scary but wonderful feeling.



  105.  #105Azure Blu on April 26, 2015 at 10:47 am

    Indigo…
    YES!!!

    Me too… always DRAMA!! I was SOOO frightened of MY feelings I’d blank out sometimes (stone cold sober) for my whole life…
    when my feelings would overcome me…
    Or someone would talk about feelings, or trigger something in me…
    Ahhh sweet darling Azure,,, I am sooo happy
    that you are not so frightened anymore…

    yesterday, Spirit invited me to join him and his golf buddies at the golf club after their game!!!
    Ohhhh… MYyyyy…
    I have been wanting him to do this since we first started dating 9 months ago!!!
    Now he is trusting me and letting me into his life little by little…
    Me having my timeline of 2 months…
    gave him time to trust me that i wouldn’t start
    dating again as soon as things got too rocky or
    didn’t go my way…
    AND made me NOT slam down an ultimatum
    as soon as he withdrew and I got scared!!!

    Spirit was soooo affectionate in front of his buddies,
    So sweet and loving to me… we had soo much fun!

    All this time I was worried that life/love would get boring if there wasn’t alllllll that chaos…
    BUT really it is VERY exciting to learn to be vulnerable and warm and calm with the right man!!!
    :-))



  106.  #106Mistea1 on April 26, 2015 at 11:27 am

    Indigo 102,

    It’s so heart warming to read about your progress. You are learning so much. I’d forgotton what it was like before I got married way back when. We’d have these debates so seriously then one of us would break it up with something funny and we could then relax into each other. Thanks for the memories.

    Did you know a major poll showed that men can only listen to their girfriends for an average of 6 minutes before tuning out?

    I must be reorienting something. I just got back from the new (#3 since Jan) church where the organist is gay. This is the second one and if I get all smaltzy about the emotion in the music they understand it. What a relief. I want to get the music piece settled for me and start seriously playing again and not getting tied up with a herteros*ual who imagines I want to do him.



  107.  #107Mistea1 on April 26, 2015 at 11:52 am

    Azure Blu 105,

    How delightful for you. Such a rocky road you are so expertly traveling. Congratulations, yes!!!

    You must be so happy and I am happy for you too.

    I’m trying my third church today since January. It’s the one I’ve been trying to find as they are reported to have the best acoustics in this area.

    Oh Azure, the people were so nice and friendly. Someone would take me under their wing, find out about me then pass me along to just the righ person. It was so much fun. I’m going to sit in with the choir Thursday. The organist was expressive and played the ending chords just right. I felt very reassured.

    MusicTd is still the best by far but the ease and friendliiness of this one makes up for a lot. This one has an energetic presence that is youthful and secure. Course he is 35 years younger and wasn’t damaged by being born into a war torn country and difficult family circumstances.

    A relationship? Sure, that and the music will all appear in it’s own timely manner, it’s OK with me.
    I’m getting more used to the changes the more I do them too.



  108.  #108Waterfall on April 26, 2015 at 1:16 pm

    Indigo,

    I love your description of being “thinky” and “distant” from D. Wow, that is so cool, I get totally where you are coming from.

    Maybe it’s because men like to feel that they are coming home to a place where they don’t have to “think”, and they can just “be”.

    When you are relaxed and vulnerable then a man is able to get close to you.

    Men want to know that they are needed for affection and comfort (I think?!). They don’t want to just be there for manly advice, or practical tasks like putting up a shelf. I believe they also want to be there to give us a cuddle and that that also gives them a sense of usefulness in there ability to provide affection, emotion and physical support.

    What do you think?



  109.  #109Waterfall on April 26, 2015 at 1:19 pm

    @ Azure 105

    Wow, your date with Spirit sounds beautiful.

    Regarding being boring… Azure, you don’t sound like you could ever be boring so you shouldn’t worry about that sweet siren..

    And you are practising leaning back and being vulnerable?

    Tell me, how does it feel Azure?



  110.  #110Waterfall on April 26, 2015 at 1:24 pm

    Also Indigo..

    My ex wrote me a beautiful email once about how men are so confused these days. They do not know their place anymore and struggle to read the signals.

    They feel redundant and want to feel *needed* very badly. They also want to feel *useful*. They want to be able to give you a cuddle as equally as they want to be able to open a jam jar for you. It is all the same to them…



  111.  #111Waterfall on April 26, 2015 at 1:46 pm

    Well, I went out yesterday with a lovely group of friends.
    I really don’t want to meet anyone at the moment so I found it hard to strike up conversations etc…

    I know me and D aren’t suited and I have accepted it and moved on but I still feel very raw inside.

    When I say “I love you” to someone, I mean it. I feel uncomfortable moving on.

    I know we have said all we need to say to each other and it was lovely just to get out and mingle with people and chat. I missed him but I knew that he would be happy doing his thing.

    It feels weird but I really feel I have done the best thing for both of us by splitting up. He still feels like a friend, and I really do truly care about him. In fact we do still text each other and that helps me feel connected to him. I hate the thought of splitting up and never hearing from that person again. I truly hope we stay friends. He seems to want that too, but who knows in time that may change.

    I met loads of lovely people yesterday and I just tried to practise being in the moment and lowering my expectations.

    I just tried to chat to people, but not force the conversation and not take it personally when the conversation didn’t flow the way that I wanted it too.

    It was so interesting.

    Deep down though I do feel that I still have that air of desperation about me. I dunno. I feel sometimes I catch myself being too keen to please others and not think about my own needs.

    Why is this, I don’t know…



  112.  #112Millie on April 26, 2015 at 3:26 pm

    Kim– the “gung-ho” story cracks me up 🙂



  113.  #113Millie on April 26, 2015 at 3:32 pm

    Well ladies I’m off in another country now on my business trip. So excited to be here and have some new adventures!! I bought, at CurvySirens recommendation, a book called Me before We. So I started reading it on the plane. I really want to fully love myself and find the relationship I want. It’s hard to figure out the “holes” I have. I know my inner voice right now is saying that “men will always stop calling you. Even when you think they won’t, they will. You’re not the type of woman men want to stay with. Sure you’re good for awhile, your beautiful and fun and a great idea, but not a great reality.” That’s what my inner voice is saying right now. I don’t really know how to love myself when I feel disappointed in me. I know i should not care about what others choose to do and definitely not use their actions as a barometer for my self worth. But… How do you REALLY get to that point? Like 100% get to that point…



  114.  #114Jenny on April 26, 2015 at 3:43 pm

    Femininewoman #2

    Hello! I am the UK yoga teacher on Rori’s current Biz Siren course. Thank you so much for visiting my website on Rori’s recommendation, if it was me you meant in your post. I never received a message from you though, so sorry if somehow we missed each other. Would be so happy to help you with any yoga questions you might have… and of course feel free to pick up my yoga Freebie too, if you’d like it. Loving Rori’s Biz Siren course!



  115.  #115Azure Blu on April 26, 2015 at 3:48 pm

    Millie #113
    Rori says our happy ever after is right now… everyday
    there is no 100%… it is a life long journey
    and you are on THAT road
    Beautiful Siren…
    Many times when I get VERY confused…
    many negative voices…
    I just sit in all of MY feelings…
    No reason to figure them out…
    I just sit right in them… and BE and Breathe…
    You are doing great…
    I know many sirens mentioned
    to Move on…
    get right back on that horse, etc. etc
    But my recommendation is to
    wallow for awhile… and examine the wallowing
    the misery the sadness..
    TIME, TIME —it’s on your side..
    take ALLL the time you NEED!!
    urgency is not a very good friend,
    I have found!!! Life has it’s own pace!!!
    oxoxox



  116.  #116Azure Blu on April 26, 2015 at 3:57 pm

    Waterfall #109
    Mmmm… thank you for your comments!
    :-))

    leaning back and paying attention to when
    I am leaning forward…
    especially like last night… when I was with him
    and It was a date I had wanted (but NEVER mentioned, it was low on my priority list)
    I noticed when I was leaning forward, literally in my chair… and I’d lean back, pay attention to someone else, watch the hockey game
    and he’d start touching me, rubbing my back
    getting my attention… he really does like
    one on one time with ME…
    But I see how i want to keep the balance of leaning back and I am the PRIZE!!!

    Also being vulnerable is getting easier, sharing what he does that makes ME happy WHEN it happens…
    When i arrived at the golf club.. he had a glass of wine waiting (as usual) and I leaned in close, looked into his beautiful blue eyes and said softly
    “Spirit, I feel so cared for when you have a glass of wine waiting when I arrive.”
    It felt like it took his breath away!!! :-))



  117.  #117Kim on April 26, 2015 at 4:09 pm

    Azure, wow, I am so impressed by your story with spirit and how your siren skills have turned it all around, Spirit is spinning to make you happy…wow!

    Millie..lol..yes, and I have more stories.

    Well, so today my man got a new phone…he has been ‘threatening’ this for about 6 months..lol…and he has also threatened to put me on his plan (awww).
    3 or 4 months ago…it finally happened today, and I was all uppety and nearly went crazy at the store…we spent ages in there just because he can’t get to the point…then he spent ages letting the girl explain something he didn’t even want, just because he was too quiet/hesitant to stop her.
    I looked at my watch…demonstrably…I tapped my finger..and I was just about to blurt out ‘No, actually he wants this and we need this and now!’ When I caught myself….and said nothing and smiled…and he really did take care of everything, got my phone and my ipad on his plan!
    So I said afterwards that I feel so grateful he is doing this and taking on the extra expense, and how he spoils me…and he said ‘I see you got antsy, I am sorry, I know I take forever with everything, thank you for your patience’.
    Awwwww…
    And then he took me to lunch, made a split second decision and there was no dithering about the place or anything haha.
    There is progress!
    🙂



  118.  #118Millie on April 26, 2015 at 4:26 pm

    Azure— thank you…. I like the idea of happily ever after is our every day… And that I can take all the time I need. That idea feels good….

    I had breakfast wth my mom before she took me to the airport and we talked about my guy. She said- you were the best thing that happened to him. In all his muck, he had you…And I thought about that, and wondered if I could say the same…. That he was the best thing that happened to me. And my body felt a resounding No. He is a good thing that happened, but he wasn’t the best thing that happened. Maybe he was right from the beginning– saying I was out of his league on our first date. That he didn’t know why I’d choose him. Maybe he was right.

    Anyway, thank you for all listening through my processing, my ups and downs. My rocky emotional road. I am very thankful for my friends and the community I have.



  119.  #119Azure Blu on April 26, 2015 at 4:26 pm

    Kim…
    I, as well, am VERY impressed with your story…
    Such appreciation you were slathering on your man
    and HE apologized for taking forever…
    Mmmmmm… the power of Rori’s tools…

    it took me a few years for me to get the knack of them
    STILL always learning…
    but now I feel my self esteem has gotten sooo much better…
    Life is sooo much easier…
    last night I was driving Spirit to his car that we left back at the club… I went the wrong way… messed around… I do get silly in the car…
    Spirit said in a joking way… Gee… Azure, it must be hard to be you!!
    I said:
    No it isn’t…. I LOVE everything about me!!!
    He said… “so do I”
    Awwww…
    :_))



  120.  #120Tereana on April 26, 2015 at 8:00 pm

    Well, it seems I have cycled around again. All this weekend, I didn’t really hear from V. I texted him once on Saturday and we chatted a bit, which felt nice. But he had expressly said that he would contact me over the weekend, and after that, he did not. So today, finally, I sent him a message. He wrote back to say that power had been down all day in his area, so he couldn’t text. And that only made me feel partially ok. In fact, not really ok at all. Because my first question was, when was he going to tell me this? Or was he going to mention it at all?

    To that, he said that he was “getting ready” to text me when he got my message, but he wasn’t sure if the network was up yet. And I said, “Sure…” I really didn’t believe him 100%. And even if it were really true, it still didn’t feel like “enough.” It didn’t feel like “effort” on his part. For example, even if power were down all day today, why didn’t he text me at all yesterday, after our little exchange? Not only that, he knows I get up early. He had plenty of time to text me before I wrote to him. But he didn’t. And if we was “getting ready” to text me, why wasn’t he just jumping at the chance to do it? Why wasn’t he trying? Why did I have to be the first one to do it?

    Now, I know. I made the choice. I “leaned forward” and sent the text. And I made him wrong. What I said after that wasn’t the best, and I feel bad about it. Instead of being calm and happy and flowy when he started asking me about my day, I stayed on the subject of why didn’t he get in touch with me first?

    The problem was, I didn’t feel like I could just get into that surface type conversation. I had real feelings going on. Real feelings that keep cropping up. Time and again, I keep feeling like he has time for other things, but not me. I keep feeling like I am not important to him and that he is not making an effort to keep things going – he’s just putting in the baseline minimum effort to keep me from walking away. And that’s exactly what I don’t want to do. But I keep thinking about it, because I keep thinking, ‘If I’m not that important to him now, how am I going to be more important to him 6 months from now, or 6 years? If he has time for everyone else but me right now, then how am I supposed to expect that to change? If he’s not treating me like a princess and dropping everything to make me happy in this moment, why should I believe that he does love me and that I am important to him – when his actions don’t seem to say that to me?”

    So I have two things going on here.

    1. Fear that he doesn’t love me (which is probably leading to a self-fulfilling prophecy of me feeling unimportant, which is kind of just a feeling that I have, generally, and has nothing to do with him)
    2. My actual gut response to his actions, which seem to spell out the opposite of what he tells me in words. In words, he says he loves me and that I mean a lot to him. He may well be telling the truth. But his actions produce a wrench in my gut that says something isn’t quite right here. I’m missing a piece of information, and I don’t know what it is. And I feel on the verge of just telling him I’ve had enough.

    I remember Leigha’s five questions. Well, I should go back and review. But one of them was, “Did I say or do anything unloving?” Up until now, no. Today, I would say that it was unloving that I harped on him instead of being kind when he tried to make conversation. I feel that I was harsh on him. I felt invisible and I wanted to be heard. There are things I want to speak to him about, and this is part of the issue, though it’s deeper even than this. And I feel helpless because I can’t force the issue. I can’t force him to do different things on the weekends, to not spend time with his parents, or reach out to me when he has other things to do. I can’t make him value me more just by being me, if he doesn’t already.

    I have an urge to apologize for being unloving. but I also don’t want to apologize. I feel like honoring my feelings. If I am having these feelings, then they must be for a reason.



  121.  #121Mistea1 on April 26, 2015 at 8:01 pm

    I found an interesting quote from Louisa May Alcott, the author of Little Women.

    It is ” I’m not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship.”



  122.  #122Beloved on April 26, 2015 at 8:03 pm

    Aw, Kim, that sounds wonderful! I feel happy to see it’s working out for you. I can be impulsive, decisive, and also excruciatingly slow and indecisive so I understand how you feel because that’s the kind of dialogue that happens in my head with myself sometimes 😀



  123.  #123Mistea1 on April 26, 2015 at 8:09 pm

    Tereana, 119,

    Did you tell him you felt invisible and wanted to be heard? That is honest and might have made you feel better at least getting that out there.

    I know when I did that even though he didn’t specifically address it at the time I felt better knowing that I communicated my feeling to him. It would have been better if he had acknowledged it but i did what I could and am content with that.

    My best wishes to you.



  124.  #124Tereana on April 26, 2015 at 8:14 pm

    I’ve been thinking about boring love.

    I want boring love.

    I feel bored with his love.

    Even my attempts at drama feel useless with him.

    This is probably a good thing.

    My life feels boring.

    I want my life to feel exciting.

    This has nothing to do with him.

    I want to feel charged up, juicy, awake and alive.

    I want my passions to have a meaning and a direction.

    I want and exciting life and boring love.

    But I want to also feel cherished
    cared for
    important
    wanted

    It triggers me when he (or anyone) says he is “too busy.” Because when I was younger, my mom or my parents were often “too busy” when I had something to say. Consequently, I felt shut out. I felt my feelings and opinions didn’t matter and that I was not important. And this is coming up for me with him.

    I don’t know how to explain.

    It’s because of his actions, but it’s not entirely about him.

    I want to heal this.

    He said it – he said that I am the one who feels I am unimportant. He doesn’t feel that at all.

    And he’s RIGHT. He’s da8mn right.

    That is the TRUTH.

    But now what do I do?

    He’s so right, and I know that he loves me, because he can see this about me. He must have observed me and really seen me.

    And yet, I don’t feel seen, observed, held.

    And having that feeling is about me.

    My feelings are my own, and they are my choice.

    If I am feeling this way, then on some level, I am choosing it.

    I embrace my feelings.

    I love my feeling of unimportance.

    And under that feeling is sadness.

    Sadness that my mother didn’t have time for me.

    Sadness that I felt small and unimportant as a child.

    Sadness that I could do nothing to change her or to prove how amazing and how valuable I was.

    He sees me.

    He values me.

    He is not my mother.

    The challenge is: without any tangible proof or evidence, how can I continue to believe that he loves me?

    Or am I just accepting a sub-par situation because that is all that I have ever known in my life?

    I want more. I want more love. I want more communication. I want more devotion. I want more actions that show me I am more important to him than all the other things he cares about. That’s the kind of love I want. Boring love. But fully engaged. All in. And I want more commitment. I lied to him when I said that I didn’t. The truth is, I do want more commitment. And it’s not out of the question that he would commit. But how can I commit – go all in, get fully engaged – when he’s no there yet? When he’s not ready? I can’t. And I can’t force it, or speed up the process either.

    I just want to feel, right now, that I am unquestionably and undeniably important to him. There are doubts in my mind.

    I want to quell those doubts.

    I want to heal this feeling, so that I feel important to me, all the time. So that I never depend on another person to “give” me this feeling, because it will already belong to me. That in truth, this feeling can’t really come from him. It can only be reflected by him.

    And if he is not showing it to me, then it is because I am not feeling it in myself already.

    So I feel bad that I said unloving things. It really wasn’t his fault.

    I was doing the best I could to share and express my feelings.

    Sorry for the long riff!! It was really helpful to get it out, though….



  125.  #125Tereana on April 26, 2015 at 8:19 pm

    Thank you, MisTea1!

    that is definitely a feeling statement I want to share with him. For me, I think it will have more impact when I can share it in person, on video chat. For texting, I don’t feel it’s the best medium. I still had a plan for some things I wanted to say when we next talk by phone rather than text. But yes, that is a big core of what’s going on for me with him…

    Thanks!!



  126.  #126Lovergirl on April 26, 2015 at 8:55 pm

    Ah, today was such a beautiful, wonderful day with S. He had offered to pay me to take a test for him. It was something he had to do for re-certification purposes at his job and it was HARD, lol, but I scored 100% and he paid me well. He said it was money well spent, and gave me an extra bonus. 😉

    When I came to pick up the money, he offered to take me to dinner. It was still early and absolutely beautiful outside. We ate on the patio of a lovely Mexican restaurant and he offered me his sweater because the breeze was a little chilly.

    We had great margaritas, fun conversation and a really nice meal. He told me stories about this woman he had attempted to date and how she too, turned out to be a swinger. They never slept together but he says she offered him a FWB situation that he was reluctant to take her up on.

    Afterwards, he took me to the mall with him. He was buying new pants and shoes for work. While he was in the dressing room a woman asked if he was my husband and I shook my head no. She proceeded to tell me about how she and her husband (who was also trying on clothes) had been married 30 years and just recently their last child left the house. She said it was sad but at the same time it’s been so much fun with her husband, like dating each other all over again. I loved hearing such a positive story of a happy couple and when he came out to show her his pants you could just see the love between them.

    S was so cute. He’s a little insecure about his weight, especially when trying on clothes, but I still think he’s the handsomest guy on the planet and try to let him know that. He just beams when I compliment him.

    Back at his house he was trying on some more things and I was teasing him about it being a fashion show. Then he came over to the couch and sat by me and was reminding me that it has been almost exactly a year since the day we met. He asked me what I am looking for right now, relationship wise and was like “I don’t mean with me, just in general”. I said I really don’t know what I want right now (which is true).

    He asked how I felt about playing with him again (meaning having sex) and if it would be awkward. He said he’d been thinking about it a lot. I asked if he was seeing anyone right now and he said no. I said then it would feel good.

    We ended up passionately kissing there on the couch and then had sex 4 times in a row, lol. He always claims he only does that with me. Today he was saying that with other women he has a hard time even reaching orgasm. He said he doesn’t know why but its like he’s “too much in his head” with them and doesn’t have that problem with me. He was like “maybe I’m just not that attracted to them” and said “you’re just so beautiful”.

    He said it had been two weeks since he slept with anyone, that he just hasn’t felt like it. We had a lot of intimate pillow talk and somehow the topic of women who have been raped before came up. I mentioned that I was raped at gunpoint as a teenager, by a guy who played college basketball. I’m not super traumatized by it or anything because I barely remember it- its mostly blocked out of my memory, I just remember the gun. S acted super protective about it, even when I said that and wrapped me up in his arms really tight while I was talking.

    We talked about other things and kissed and cuddled a lot. When I left he gave me an asian pear, out of a bowl on his counter, lol. He said he ate one of them but wanted me to have it because he knew I would like it and he’d just get another one.

    When I got home I texted that it had been really wonderful to spend time with him and he said “it turned out to be a very special day, one to remember”.



  127.  #127Indigo on April 26, 2015 at 10:46 pm

    Mistea1 106,

    Thanks so much.

    Men can only listen to their girlfriends for an average of 6 minutes before tuning out! That’s so funny!

    I think there must be some truth in that. I observe such a stark difference in us when we are having these debates – all serious and assertive and loud, and sitting on opposite ends of the couch, as opposed to when we are quiet and close and just being together and holding each other.

    Thing is, I always thought it was me who didn’t like it, and it’s interesting for me to see that he doesn’t either, sometimes when we are debating he will take my hand and I’ll just want to go back to being a girl.



  128.  #128Indigo on April 26, 2015 at 10:49 pm

    Waterfall 108,

    “Men want to know that they are needed for affection and comfort (I think?!). They don’t want to just be there for manly advice, or practical tasks like putting up a shelf. I believe they also want to be there to give us a cuddle and that that also gives them a sense of usefulness in there ability to provide affection, emotion and physical support.”

    Absolutely. I think men feel deeply satisfied when offering emotional and physical support, and they love giving affection and being physically close to us.



  129.  #129Indigo on April 26, 2015 at 11:07 pm

    Millie 113

    “That’s what my inner voice is saying right now. I don’t really know how to love myself when I feel disappointed in me. I know i should not care about what others choose to do and definitely not use their actions as a barometer for my self worth. But… How do you REALLY get to that point? Like 100% get to that point…”

    I don’t know that you ever 100% get to that point. I think all of us have nasty voices that say things like that to us every now and again. For me, I think the approach you take to those nasty voices is what matters. For me, if it’s a voice inside saying something negative about me or making me feel bad, I know it’s a nasty voice. And I say, “oh hello nasty voices! you’ve shown up because this situation has come up for me!” Basically you have the advantage over them of knowing that what they say isn’t true. They are just scare-mongering because those voices are afraid and they’re trying to protect you. So you can sit with them a bit and talk to them, or you can tell them not now and to run off. But you’re in control. And you can do this. You don’t have to be 100% confident all the time, none of us feel that way, but you get to love and trust yourself more and more as time goes on.



  130.  #130Indigo on April 26, 2015 at 11:21 pm

    Tereana 119,

    About your guy who did not contact you over the weekend even though he said he would.

    I know you already know this, but PLEASE do not lean forward and text him in a situation like this. If he is not contacting you, it means he is withdrawing, and contacting him will only push him further away. It makes me think of a mantra Leigha had me do when I did an introductory coaching session with her: “I love myself enough to know that a man will contact me. I value myself enough not to contact him.” Please don’t be that low value woman who reaches out to a man to ask why he is not contacting you. I’ve been there, I’ve done that, it does not end well.

    Please don’t apologise to him either. As Dominique has so often told me, this has the vibe of wanting to “fix” things and make things better. Not your job. The truth is you had every right to feel bad and upset when he didn’t contact you when he said he would. His effort is sub-par, and in some part of himself, he knows it. So you have to be the woman who trusts that she is worth a man making an effort without you having to compensate for his lack of effort. So you wait until HE contacts you, then you tell him how you feel disconnected from him and it feels bad and you don’t want to feel this way.

    You asked: “without any tangible proof or evidence, how can I continue to believe that he loves me?” You can’t. You need to let him show it, little by little if needs be, but you need to let him make the effort.

    Love to you



  131.  #131Millie on April 27, 2015 at 1:02 am

    Indigo— yeah that makes sense. I have to choose to beleive they are not true.

    I just miss him.



  132.  #132Millie on April 27, 2015 at 1:10 am

    Tereana 119–

    I totally understand how you are feeling. I felt the same way all of a sudden with my guy. My advice is stop. I wish I had. Just stop completely and lean back, quiet your mind. All of the thoughts and questions are noise that will cause you anxiety and to lean forward. Trust him and trust yourself. I totally get the self fulfilling prophecy thing…. And I am guilty if thinking that as well in my life. Your post sounds so much like what was in my head a few weeks ago… And now he is gone. If you catch yourself pushing him away. Stop. I’m going to tattoo “stop” on my arm cuz I really need to listen to that voice.



  133.  #133Sophie on April 27, 2015 at 3:06 am

    I love the updates Kim – and I felt very amused by the gung ho thing ha ha but also felt warm towards him especially with the mobile shop thing. And the turn around for you too Azure Blu has similarities.

    I recognise in myself that allowing someone elses timeline feels very challenging and it’s easy to feel panicky or controlly or be controlly without even realising. I am trying to be aware of this (inspired by everyone here) and just keep leaning back, focus on me, pulling the energy in.

    Pulling the energy in feels so hard for me sometimes. I know many Sirens on here have talked about ultra sensitivity and, honestly, the smallest thing like whether sending an email, or not, was the right thing to do can have my heart beating out of my chest feeling like it wants to pound every corner of the room. I am beginning to get in touch with a long forgotten part of me that feels able to gently do nonchalance, acknowledge and move away from the feelings (that have very little relevance to anything in reality other than me getting a grip on them) and knowing that everything passes in time.

    I loved what someone said recently, Labbit, I think about choosing to believe that they all adore us anyway. Not, choosing t believe they all adore us so hang in there pining but choose to believe they all adore us and sometimes are so adoring they weed themselves out and just keep on our horses knowing we are adored. I’m sorry if “I completely mis-paraphrased but that’s what I got and I’ve been feeling cheered and empowered by it.

    I felt inspired by your decision Lovetodance. I felt admiration that you had identified a previous pattern and you had made the decision (however, hard and painful) to do something different and to love you more. I identified as I can be a caregiver (or just a giver giver giver) and it’s about time I became more of a gotter and that is my plan 🙂 It also got me thinking (along with other posts I’ve read) about what my bottom lines actually are. I’m feeling the need to clarify this a bit more for myself. . .

    I’ve been given so many different types of men on my travels it has given me a lot to think about but, as I know, it’s mostly how do I feel…

    I am NOT doing the young men thing again…that’s a dealbreaker (please I think) – they are just not available (for the most part…along with, in my opinion, heavy drinkers…drug users …. my mirrors???) Am I willing to give up the excitement?

    I am NOT doing chasing – men who don’t contact me – ugh – bye bye.

    I am watching for actions more than words. I am evaluating how I’m feeling (as much as possible).

    I just felt bad…this is one of those situations where I didn’t know what to do…one of those ones where the man has said email me if you’re in blah blah blah – so I did but it didn’t feel good and I feel vulnerable and hanging and maybe I should have expressed that in the first place but I didn’t and left myself vulnerable to feeling like this…mmmmm

    I feel rambly – there is pages and pages and pages I could say about all my feelings and all my doscoveries and all my confusions and all my steps forwards and backwards – I gain so much knowledge and wisdom from all of your input



  134.  #134Sophie on April 27, 2015 at 3:56 am

    choose trust – had the nicest email response … Millie – I’ve been questioning the same things, how do we feel okay without needing the validation of outside things. Maybe, it’s perfectly okay to need some outside validation, maybe those perfectly human feelings of wanting to belong, to be loved and liked and to feel successful and safe and all of that are ones to just keep loving. That’s what I’m trying to do.



  135.  #135Labbit on April 27, 2015 at 4:43 am

    119 Tereana — You should of course trust your gut if it’s telling you something is off with a man…but I do think there is something to be said for learning the difference between a gut feeling and your inner gremlins taking over. 🙂 (Something I am still working on myself!!) Like all the Sirens here I get that you are finding your way, trying to learn what works and what does not…so I hope you are not beating yourself up with the feedback you’re receiving here. We all want the best for you! It’s not meant to make you feel wrong or like you’re not ‘doing it right.’ Remember you can’t do it wrong with the right guy…though obviously the easier you can make it on yourself by learning all these tools, the more comfortable you and he will BOTH feel and the more things can flow naturally, peacefully.

    One thing I have learned from TenderCD is that men do take their time communicating, especially either at the beginning of a promising relationship as you’re dating and getting to know each other, or when a significant move forward is on their mind. Just like us men have the fear of coming too far forward, or saying the wrong thing, or coming off as cool when they mean to be warm. And there is extra pressure on men since they are expected to lead the relationship. TenderCD has told me that early on with me he would sometimes take days crafting what he wanted to say to me…and in those days he spent crafting I didn’t hear from him AT ALL, which used to freak me out to no end. Entire weekends would go by…sometimes a whole week or more! He wanted everything to go PERFECTLY so I’d fall in love with him…how lovely is that?!? And yet at times from my side I feared he wasn’t interested, couldn’t possibly be, if he was letting all this time go by. And when I interrupted his process by reaching out to him and leaning forward in the pre-commitment days, it would cause him to move back, because now he felt he needed to craft a NEW message to respond to our latest communication.

    Let yourself be comforted in knowing that men have a very different timeline than women, and they perceive time differently than us too. Two or three days between contact feels like FOREVER to us but to them it may seem like just a few seconds. If he treats you well on dates, makes an effort to see you at least once every couple of weeks, and generally makes it clear that he’s into you and wants to get to know you better, try to forgive him for not contacting you as much as you’d like at this stage. Try to see things through his eyes for a moment.

    And then from your side, YES absolutely you can use a feeling message to let him know what you want…what would make you happy. Rori sent out a great email about this last week…a way to express your frustrations without making him wrong.

    Here’s part of it, I hope this helps you as it did me!
    If you’re at all like me, and you don’t “like” conflict, this letter is for you.

    Let’s say you’ve spent a blissful time getting to know a man, and now you’ve hit it – your first disagreement.

    Maybe he suddenly pulls away after being affectionate with you. Or he’s consistently late, and it’s continuously getting on your nerves. Or maybe he forgot to call – more than once.

    Whatever your new guy did, how do you handle it without losing the fun, carefree feeling you’ve both been enjoying since you met?

    Do you call him out for being inconsiderate, or do you hold everything in so you don’t rock the boat?

    Of course, it’s neither. Here’s why, and what to do instead in a way that will bring you even closer together.

    Don’t Pretend Everything’s Okay

    The default mode for most of us women – especially when we are very interested in a man – is to simply put up with what’s happening and stuff down our feelings for fear of scaring him away.

    You’re also more prone to doing this when you’ve had a string of unsuccessful relationships.

    The older you get and the more heartbreak you endure, the more you want to “not mess this up” – and so you keep quiet:

    Are You Afraid Of Rocking The Boat With Him?

    Have The Relationship You Want
    I used to spend most of my energy AVOIDING “conflict” – and even though it was making me physically sick and making my relationships more superficial by the minute, I refused to even consider that there was another way to handle my upsets and anger.

    The secret is in HOW you communicate with a man. WHAT you FEEL is a crucial part of creating love – and FEELING what you feel, and KNOWING what you feel can deepen a relationship to places you may not even have imagined!

    So, the combination of feeling your feelings and yet SHARING how you feel with a man is where the art and science of my method can help you in the most incredible ways.

    That’s why you’ll want to check out my Love Scripts program (I’ve been teaching “Scripting” for a long time, and I knew I had to put this program together for you so you could have all the information in one place – and real, actual WORDS to say for ALL situations with a man):

    Watch Now
    To see what I mean, go here now to read about the program and watch some free samples:

    You keep it “under wraps” – even when you’re seething with anger
    You say “sure!” when he suggests something you really don’t feel comfortable doing
    You pretend it doesn’t bother you when he isn’t giving you the time and affection you need
    But doing this actually prevents you from connecting with a man and forging a deeper relationship with him!

    Why? Because he never gets to see what makes you tick. He never gets to see – or EXPERIENCE – what makes you YOU.

    Not just that, but the longer you go without speaking your feelings, the more you start to resent your man. And then you start unconsciously becoming “cold” to him in a way that he can sense… and this in turn pushes him away.

    Don’t Make Him Wrong

    Often, and especially when we’ve been swallowing whatever it is that’s bothering us about a man, we’ll end up simmering with so much anger that one day we just can’t take it.

    That’s when, despite our best efforts, our emotions take over and everything comes out in an explosion of feelings.

    What comes out is often something that sounds like an accusation to him: “How could you have spent the whole weekend with me and then not called for two whole days?!”

    All he hears is that he was wrong. That’s when he becomes defensive, shuts down, and can’t hear you anymore. That’s also when, unfortunately, we end up with a man who becomes distant from us or pulls away altogether.

    We’re left holding all the cards, feeling awful, and thinking we’re entirely to blame and can’t make relationships work.

    There’s a much better way…

    Do Speak Your Feelings And Issue The “Magic Phrase”

    Once you learn this, it will save you so much heartache and frustration.

    If a man does something that doesn’t make you feel good – and he does it consistently – then focus on the feeling rather than what he’s doing.

    If he forgot to call, say “I’m feeling disappointed that we don’t talk as often as we used to.”

    Notice you’re not even saying the word “you” here. It’s not about what he is or isn’t doing – it’s about what’s going on in the relationship and how you’re feeling.

    Then, say the magic words: “Is there something I should know?”

    Instantly, you’re shifting the conversation from one of making him wrong to one of finding out if there’s something wrong.

    See the difference?

    When you express your feelings about the situation and give him a chance to make it better, you’re setting both of you up for an open dialogue that will either tell you that this man has some non-negotiables you can’t live with… or whether he’ll work with you to develop an even closer bond.



  136.  #136Labbit on April 27, 2015 at 4:48 am

    Azure Blu, I am SO delighted to hear about your awesome dates with Spirit this past weekend!!! I am learning so much from how you’re conducting yourself right now…I think my old behaviors and patterns were surfacing in hearing about your lean-back period, so the results you’re getting now serve as great reminders for me. I love your confidence and assuredness in your course of action…you are so solid in yourself right now and that’s stirring to me!

    Indigo, ohhhh I love hearing about your Friday night with D and the path of feminine energy that got you there. 🙂 This was beautiful, thank you for sharing it here…

    Kim, I am LOL’ing at MoM’s gung ho commentary and also your tales of his move-in and the first few days together. I am so happy for you Siren!!! And it’s giving me a peek into a potential future in my own life.



  137.  #137Labbit on April 27, 2015 at 4:51 am

    Lovergirl, WOW. S has really bounced back!! I am just in awe of your unfolding story, you certainly have some rockstar Siren skills! I don’t really even know what to say beyond this because I have no idea how your story might unfold from here. I feel frustrated the way that S comes close but then seems to back away when things start to get deeper, future-potential with you two…but perhaps this is an area that’s a blind spot in my own developing Siren skills.



  138.  #138Indigo on April 27, 2015 at 5:25 am

    Labbit,

    I loved that email from Rori too! And I loved your response to Tereana!

    I’m so glad we are all able to learn from each other’s experience and wisdom.



  139.  #139Labbit on April 27, 2015 at 5:54 am

    Indigo — agreed!

    I had a funny experience this past weekend, though I am sure the timing was no coincidence because I was in the right mindset to receive the message.

    TenderCD asked me to look up a friend’s address that he’d texted me awhile ago. So I was scrolling through my text history with Tender, and ended up having to go way further back then I’d originally thought. While searching I ended up re-reading some of our past conversations and saw them in an entirely new light.

    One exchange that really struck me was from about 2-3 months after we got back together, the time when we were in that unstable phase where things might become ‘real’ or they might fade away. Historically I do TERRIBLY in this phase of dating…lots of panic and insecurity and inner woes. I can remember that for our first 4 or 5 dates TenderCD had planned every detail out and it made me feel SO GOOD. I loved feeling like an entire evening had been put together just for me. But then, after those first several dates he started asking me out on a particular night but with no plan in mind. And I can remember feeling SO ANGRY about this…feeling like I was no longer important to him, more of an afterthought, someone no longer worthy of his best effort.

    So the text I came across was from him, on the topic of planning our next date, and he said (paraphrasing): ‘Admittedly I wanted to make sure I had you locked up for a Friday night date before I even thought about what our date would be.’

    At the time I’m sure I injured myself with this. I’m sure I used as evidence gathering and ‘proof’ that he was no longer planning dates ahead of time, so clearly there was another woman he was dating who was pulling ahead of me or he was losing interest (and I needed to overfunction to get his interest back!) or he was just not ready to do relationship.

    None of those things were true. In re-reading the message NOW I saw an entirely different meaning…he was so concerned with making sure we’d see each other that week, he worked to lock up the big picture and then the details would fall into place later. Which they did, we ended up having a lovely date!

    It was instance where in hindsight, I wish I’d just relaaaxxxxeeeeddd and not looked for ways that TenderCD was not meeting expectations, expectations which in reality were so out of whack anyway. I almost didn’t let myself be vulnerable, almost didn’t let him in, because I was so sure I’d be hurt. I don’t know what made me open up to Tender but I’m so glad I did.



  140.  #140Mistea1 on April 27, 2015 at 6:35 am

    Rumi always has food for thought. Here’s some brunch for us all.

    This being human is a guest house.
    Every morning a new arrival,
    a joy, a depression, a meanness,
    some momentary awareness
    comes as an unexpected visitor.

    Meet them at the door laughing,
    and welcome them in.
    Be grateful for whoever comes
    Because each has been sent
    as a guide from beyond. RUMI

    The last one from author Carlos Castaneda’s books about Don Juan, who speaks about our “petty tyrants’ the people who drive us crazy, who offend our most cherished sensibilities, who bring out the worst in us. These people are, of course our greatest teachers. They belong at the top of our guest list.

    Now that doesn’t mean we have to have contact with them. Sometimes, as in my case, after the lesson is presented we can work on it offline so to speak. 🙂



  141.  #141HeartBeat on April 27, 2015 at 6:35 am

    Evening Ladies,
    I’m really enjoying reading the comments in this thread, I feel hopeful.

    Azure Blu #88: I felt supercharged reading your response, thank you for sharing so that I might read it 🙂 I feel tremendously encouraged, truly, thank you.

    Indigo:
    Thank you for your compliment 🙂
    I have a few things I’d love to clarify with you if you wouldn’t mind?
    In your post (#102) I felt a bit confused and really curious about something that you said and I’d like to understand it better. You said:
    “So as we were saying goodnight on Thursday night I said “I’d love to see you this weekend, what do you think?” He said he’d message me during the day on Friday to make plans.”
    I’ve been avoiding saying this kind of thing to the men around me. I was under the impression that this was leaning forwards?
    I don’t feel clear about where vocalising our wants, needs, preferences etc begin, and where it crosses into leaning forward/prompting/suggesting.
    I have been not vocalising my preferences unless he brings up the specific topic, eg: I won’t spontaneously say, “I really feel like eating Italian tonight.” Unless he is talking about dinner. Do you see what I mean?
    As a result of course, this also means that he has much less information, how can he know what I want if I don’t express my desire?
    Am I to understand that we can vocalise at any time, anything that we want? So long as we’re not pinning it on him to make it happen? Eg: “Wanna get Italian?” “I feel like italian” *stares at him, brain throbbing with the thought, “IT’S YOUR JOB TO MAKE IT HAPPEN!”

    “I feel like being cuddled” “I feel like being in the sunshine today” “I feel like some company.” – Are these okay? – Coz that’d be great!
    I feel good using Rori’s recommended language- “I feel etc”
    However I feel very stiff and edited, stifled, trying to understand WHEN I can vocalise certain things. Do I have to wait for him to happen to bring up something I want to talk about, or am I able to begin speaking about it provided I am leaning back and using feminine language? I don’t understand how this isn’t initiating? Or am I being too technical?
    Do I have to wait for him to ask about my day when I feel like I’m glowing or can I burst out with, “Oh my god I feel amazing! I want to tell you about my day soo badly!!” and see what he says- “I’m just a bit busy right now”, “Go on ya fox!” etc
    I feel annoyed writing this, I don’t want to breach the Rori Raye posting rules, as I understand the only people to give advice on this blog is Rori and her coaches.
    Gah I feel so frustrated trying to ask this question.
    I really want to understand this. I want to feel clear and strong with it.
    Upon discovering Rori stuff, I haven’t struggled so much with the stopping of anything, but I feel so unsure about what I am able to say – and WHEN, that I end up getting stuck in my head, trying to work it out and feeling very tense around a man – which I don’t like or want at all.
    Does anyone know of any Rori posts that discuss this further? I’m having a look , trying to understand and I feel disappointed and frustrated.

    Also, in your post #129 in response to Tereana #119:
    Phwoar!! Copied that puppy down faster than you can imagine!
    I found myself with my eyes wide and feeling my heart thumping in relief.
    Reading your reply, it suddenly dawned on me that whilst I’ve been very vocal with the “positive things” I’ve bottling and withholding other feelings, letting myself feel them, but not necessarily sharing. I feel bigger and more comfortable and soft having read your reply.

    Tereana #119: Thank you for making this post. I felt relaxed reading it, like we’re allowed to be human and that it’s about responding, not trying to be fine with everything. Also, you mentioned something about “Leigha’s five questions” in your post, I feel curious is this something featured in her book?

    Misteal: “I’m not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship.”- I feel much brighter having read this, what a gem, thank you so much for sharing. 🙂

    Labbit: Thank you for your response to Tereana #119, “We all want the best for you! It’s not meant to make you feel wrong or like you’re not ‘doing it right.’ Remember you can’t do it wrong with the right guy…though obviously the easier you can make it on yourself by learning all these tools, the more comfortable you and he will BOTH feel and the more things can flow naturally, peacefully.” – I burst into tears. Sitting here trying to write this comment I felt so wound up. I feel relieved and acceptable again. Thank you for posting.

    Love HeartBeat



  142.  #142Indigo on April 27, 2015 at 6:58 am

    HeartBeat,

    I feel so happy that you found my response to Tereana helpful. I used to be just like you – very comfortable expressing my happy/positive/caring feelings, but somehow feeling like I could feel but at the same time needed to swallow my other feelings. Not that way at all. I have found we absolutely can express our other, more “negative” feelings to a man, but it’s all in the way we do it. As long as you’re not making him responsible… and we do this by avoiding the word “you” and letting go of expectations. You also want to make sure you’re not saying the same thing over and over, and that you’re expressing appreciation and happiness and warmth more often.

    As far as the other part of what you asked – is it ok to use feeling messages to “give instruction” or express desires, or is this leaning forward? I’d love some of the coaches to give input on this but here is my take: In my relationship, YES I do. But I would say it’s the minority of the time. For the most part, I let him come forward, make suggestions, make plans, and I go with it as long as it feels good which it does the vast majority of the time. HOWEVER, I also believe relationships are about energy flow. So if a man’s energy has been flowing towards me a lot, I assume he is interested in making me happy so I see nothing wrong with saying something like “It would feel so good to check out that crafts market”. D had already invited me over 3 times that week, so for me it did not feel too leany forward to say that I’d love to see him that weekend. And STILL let him say how things were going to pan out. I think the caveat to that is that once you’ve expressed those feelings you have to be willing to let it go and not hold onto it and have expectations and be disappointed. If you do that I don’t think a man will experience it as pressure or leaning forward. Just my take 🙂 hope it helps



  143.  #143Indigo on April 27, 2015 at 7:05 am

    I should say also, D and I have been together a long time and we know each other extremely well. There is more of a flow to our communication – he can say things like “are you coming over?” and I can say things like “I miss you!” I don’t think I would say “I’d love to see you this weekend” to a guy I’d been dating for a few weeks.



  144.  #144Victoria on April 27, 2015 at 8:17 am

    Indigo,
    I love the saying that “you can’t do anything wrong with the right man”.
    I am wondering whether my F. is the right man, since, even though I must have overfunctioned so dramatically in our first year together, he is still around, and I am learning to do it better :-).
    I remember our first Christmas together, I basically kept inviting him to my place four days in a row, never allowing him to initiate anything… He was both smothered and extremely flattered (and heavily oversex*d)… I also kept cooking and feeding him amazing meals… I suspect that he thinks I did this at the beginning to lure him, and now that I “have him”” it is no longer on offer, hehehe.
    I am so happy for your progress with D.! You are an inspiration!



  145.  #145Lovergirl on April 27, 2015 at 8:23 am

    Labbit 136-

    Thank you and yes, S can be quite the rubber band man. I’m feeling all floaty and on cloud 9 right now but there are still fears of the future in the shadows. I worry that I didn’t tell him what I want when he asked, and the truth is I’m not 100% sure what I want right now, as far as relationships go. I’m pretty sure he isn’t either. I know I want HIM, but beyond that, I don’t know. The idea of marriage might sound good in theory, but it is also scary. I have work to do on my own commitment phobias.

    He said some interesting things yesterday. He made a comment about how sometimes a little turn of events changes your whole life. He mentioned a woman that at one point, when he was living in another city, had wanted to move here with him. He had only known her a few months and said he wasn’t ready for all that. I asked if he thought he would have been happy had he ended up with her and he said yes, he probably would have been, she was a nice person, that she had faults just like anyone else, but he just felt it was moving too fast.

    He seems to believe that as long as the woman is a decent human being, in the long run it would work out. I’m not sure what to make of that, as it leaves out love and chemistry and things I would personally want long term. He’s looking at it from a very practical perspective and may continue to do so, despite what he and I have together. I still am not “practical” in that I have 5 children already. I want very much for him to come around, but I wonder if it is even possible?

    I smiled at the idea that I have “rockstar siren skills” lol. I’m definitely still learning but I do feel like I’ve made some improvements. I’ve got a long way to go still!



  146.  #146Lovergirl on April 27, 2015 at 8:24 am

    Labbit 136-

    Thank you and yes, S can be quite the rubber band man. I’m feeling all floaty and on cloud 9 right now but there are still fears of the future in the shadows. I worry that I didn’t tell him what I want when he asked, and the truth is I’m not 100% sure what I want right now, as far as relationships go. I’m pretty sure he isn’t either. I know I want HIM, but beyond that, I don’t know. The idea of marriage might sound good in theory, but it is also scary. I have work to do on my own commitment phobias.

    He said some interesting things yesterday. He made a comment about how sometimes a little turn of events changes your whole life. He mentioned a woman that at one point, when he was living in another city, had wanted to move here with him. He had only known her a few months and said he wasn’t ready for all that. I asked if he thought he would have been happy had he ended up with her and he said yes, he probably would have been, she was a nice person, that she had faults just like anyone else, but he just felt it was moving too fast.

    He seems to believe that as long as the woman is a decent human being, in the long run it would work out. I’m not sure what to make of that, as it leaves out love and chemistry and things I would personally want long term. He’s looking at it from a very practical perspective and may continue to do so, despite what he and I have together. I still am not “practical” in that I have 5 children already. I want very much for him to come around, but I wonder if it is even possible?

    I smiled at the idea that I have “rockstar siren skills” lol. I’m definitely still learning but I do feel like I’ve made some improvements. I’ve got a long way to go still!



  147.  #147Indigo on April 27, 2015 at 9:17 am

    Victoria,

    Thank you 🙂 I laughed at your story! So funny.

    I still cringe when I think of all the overfunctioning I did. I used to RESEARCH recipes. Oh goodness. Well, this way is much easier.



  148.  #148Indigo on April 27, 2015 at 9:25 am

    Lovergirl,

    I think you can take how much closer S has been coming as a sign of your improving siren skills. Be patient with yourself though… even with the best siren skills in the world, there are still many things which are out of your control. I still feel S may not be 100% commitment ready, and his story about the other woman wanting to move with him and him feeling it was too much kinda feels like that to me.

    As far as his feeling that as long as a woman is a decent human being it can work out, I have heard many men say something like this but to me it just shows a lack of experience with commitment. I wouldn’t worry about it too much – men tend not to really be able to verbalise what makes a relationship work. They just know if they feel good in a relationship or not.



  149.  #149Femininewoman on April 27, 2015 at 2:12 pm

    From Samantha Sanderson

    “There are a few other huge problems with agreeing to be friends with your ex if you want to win him back:

    1.) It won’t give him a chance to develop feelings of nostalgia and he won’t miss you as much. One of the key ingredients to repairing a relationship is that your ex needs to miss you like crazy. How do you make someone miss you? Simple: disappear from their life suddenly and completely, shutting down all lines of communication. By maintaining a friendship with your ex, it’s impossible to really effectively disappear from his radar and make him miss you.

    2.) It gives complete control of the situation to your ex. Another key to winning back your ex is to make it clear that you are still equal with him even though he’s decided to break up with you. You need to make it known that you’re not a pushover and that if your ex isn’t interested in a romantic relationship, then he’s cut from your life altogether.

    3.) You serve as a “safety net” for your ex while they look for someone new. Do you want to be your ex’s confidante while he tells you about his new lovers? Do you want to be his “backup plan” in case things don’t work out with the new romance he’s pursuing? Of course not. You have to make it absolutely clear to your ex that if he chooses to break up with you, he’s on his own and he can’t come running back to you if he finds the single life a bit less fun than he imagined it would be.

    In reality, there really isn’t any scenario where being friends (at least for the first few months) after a breakup is possible.”



  150.  #150April Rose on April 27, 2015 at 2:42 pm

    Thank you for this Femininewoman.

    I followed this from my own intuition. It feels good (and a relief) to see a coach writing it down in black and white.



  151.  #151April Rose on April 27, 2015 at 2:46 pm

    I have to admit that when reading lovergirl’s post, and it got to the part where S said he’d been thinking about her sexually, I hoped like crazy the next part of the story was going to be “Whoah! No way, lover boy! I have feelings for you beyond friendship, and sex is going to complicate that unless it has a similar meaning for you. I need to look after my heart here. Please get back to me when you are ready for a full relationship.”



  152.  #152April Rose on April 27, 2015 at 2:49 pm

    I have huge amounts of FEAR coming up around the man I am seeing.
    I don’t know where it comes from.
    I suspect it is a part of me that’s crying out for me to be really clear and sure before getting into another serial monogamous relationship.



  153.  #153Dominique on April 27, 2015 at 3:51 pm

    Heartbeat – I wish I could respond more completely to your question above, but I’m on vacation in Paris and have no idea how to copy and paste links to my articles on my phone. You might be able to find them in the feeling messages category.
    Basically the possible scripting you suggested are not true feeling messages, for the word like is there, i.e. I feel like. What you could say though is something like – it would feel so good/amazing/some other adjective to…. OR eg. Italian would feel awesome tonight.
    And yes if you’re bursting to share your day, your script is great, and then gauge how it all feels as you share. Does he seem interested and engaged? Or does he energetically pull away? Or does he seem interested at first, but he then fades? Note that this could be different in different situations.
    Love to you.
    xxoo



  154.  #154Mistea1 on April 27, 2015 at 3:59 pm

    FW 147, I agree, friendship after a breakup is not a good or an honest thing to do. I’ve always intuitively distrusted men who say they are ‘friends’ with the ex.



  155.  #155Tereana on April 27, 2015 at 4:28 pm

    Hey, Ladies!

    I feel like celebrating myself for a minute. Today I didn’t make a big shift with respect to how V makes time for me or doesn’t make time for me. But I made a BIG shift in how I presented myself and how I responded….

    So yesterday, I was feeling pretty low. I was on the bottom rung of the ladder of feeling like I was worthless, unimportant, invisible, and having no consequence or effect on my surroundings or other people.

    But I also did a couple of visualizations and meditations around this issue. And I prayed. I prayed for that part of me to be healed, for that aspect of my past to no longer hold sway over me now.

    And even though I didn’t expect anything to work, I’m pretty sure it did.

    Because today, there was the same, or similar pattern again. I asked V if he would have time to talk to me, because I wanted to talk to him. Last week, I had asked to talk, and the internet was down. Over the weekend, I didn’t hear from him, because again, the internet is down. Apparently this is a really common issue in India. That has to be true, and isn’t in his control. I’m only concerned with the elements that ARE in his control. And I admit I gave him a bit of a hard time. I felt bad. But he also sent me a good morning text today, and I responded with lots of warmth and smilies.

    So basically, we had kind of a “date” to talk at lunch, but he was still working. Of course. He said we’ll talk tomorrow. I didn’t want to wait till tomorrow. But he said he can’t talk in the morning.

    So kind of an impasse.

    But here’s what I said: “I love it when I hear from you. It makes me happy when I get your little messages throughout the day. And I know you have a lot going on. But this is important. I’m important. And I need to talk to you.” (Bit of a paraphrase).

    But the important thing here – the shift I want to celebrate – is that I said, “I’M IMPORTANT.” I wasn’t waiting for him to say it. I may have been reading into his actions and decisions that he might not consider me important. But this wasn’t about his opinion. This wasn’t me waiting for his almighty judgment about how I fit into his life. This was me, openly declaring and CLAIMING my own importance. This was me DECIDING that I am important and that what I say has merit, and that I DESERVE his time and attention, no matter what else he has going on. I’m important, da8mmit. And it felt badass.

    I put my phone away and didn’t look at it the entire afternoon. By then, it didn’t matter his response. If he made time for me, or if he didn’t, either way, I had said my piece. I had claimed my importance in his life, and his decisions did nothing to change that.

    Of course, he didn’t change anything. His schedule is the same, and he can’t talk to me before tomorrow. But I feel different. Because once I had expressed myself, I honestly felt like I could handle whatever he said. And I can. I don’t feel bad about it.

    Yes, I would like it if he didn’t put me off because of work or family. Yes, I would like it if he made more effort to reach out to me and to schedule time on the phone. It doesn’t seem to be important to him. And maybe that’s just it. maybe it’s not the case that I’M not important. Maybe, to him, it’s just not that important to talk on the phone or on video chat. But to me, it makes a huge difference in keeping me feeling the connection to him.

    And I hope (plan) to talk to him about this next time we do video chat.

    It’s my birthday on Friday also. I always get a bit anxious around this time (that’s a big understatement).

    But for right now, I’m just happy that he reached out to me this morning. That’s a positive step that I like. And I am really stupidly proud of myself for actually saying that I am important. In 35 years, that may be the first time I have ever said or thought or felt that. With anyone.

    That’s pretty huge. If I do say so myself.



  156.  #156Millie on April 27, 2015 at 4:56 pm

    147 Femininewoman thanks for posting that 🙂



  157.  #157Tereana on April 27, 2015 at 4:56 pm

    Labbitt #134 – that was amazing and awesome! Thank you!!

    Beautiful siren 🙂



  158.  #158Beloved on April 27, 2015 at 4:57 pm

    Ohhhh…..
    I’ve been giving myself such a hard time for feeling threatened and aggressive towards RoomieJ.
    Now I’m feeling like giving myself a break, maybe my instincts have been RIGHT ON.

    She has NOT missed an opportunity to get in my face any time we are in the same room. Today it was trying to get in the bathroom while I’m brushing my teeth and having a fit over it taking more than a minute when I said “just a minute”. I felt provoked enough that I told her to f*ck off with her stupidity.

    TG asked me how things were going later, and I told him. Apparently there are things he is seeing too, and he isn’t feeling respected, and really not feeling as if his stuff is being respected. The stupid thing is, some of the things she is speaking up about, she has every right! Her complaints are valid. It’s her approach.
    And total lack of respect for my request for space.

    And..maybe, just maybe I can cut my instincts some slack. I did see a ton of red flags..and in the beginning, when TG asked how I felt about things before she moved in, I deferred to him and told him I trusted HIS instincts, although I didn’t feel good about it I could have said something then.

    So.
    Love, love loving and forgiving myself.
    Whew!
    I feel relieved.



  159.  #159Beloved on April 27, 2015 at 5:37 pm

    Oh, Tereana, I love this: “I prayed for that part of me to be healed, for that aspect of my past to no longer hold sway over me now.”

    I feel inspired to do the same with RoomieJ and my aggressive feelings of wanting to punch her 🙂
    My the violence of my past no longer hold sway over me now.
    And so it is.



  160.  #160Lovergirl on April 28, 2015 at 7:49 am

    Indigo 147-

    Thanks! You’re right, there are still things out of my control and he’s definitely not completely commitment ready. Even with someone other than me, and even though he seems to think he wants that, he vacillates.

    We had such a wonderful day then yesterday he calls me and kind of burst my bubble. He was freaking out, worried that I might be pregnant again. It was annoying, and unlikely, because we didn’t have any slipups or anything. I think he realized he was being over dramatic, because he got off the phone when I was sounding irritated and didn’t call back.

    Then I saw Mr. Chicago again yesterday. I was even less inclined to want to hang out with him when S and I had just seen each other the day before. For some reason the sexual stuff with him just doesn’t work well. I think mainly its just that he’s not S and something in me feels disloyal to be with anyone else, even though there is no commitment.

    He wants to fly me out to Chicago again. He was trying to get me to come Mother’s Day weekend but I keep telling him it’s important for me to be here because of my kids. He says he understands, but overall he just seems to be demanding too much of my time. It’s stuff like that that makes me wonder if I am relationship ready myself. I just don’t have the time and energy that a lot of single men want a woman to devote to spending with them.



  161.  #161Lovergirl on April 28, 2015 at 7:54 am

    April Rose 150-

    See, I just don’t know if I really FEEL all that. I WANT to have sex with him and I would love a relationship with him but at the same time I’m not 100% sure if I’m ready for it. I just feel all confused inside right now.



  162.  #162Indigo on April 28, 2015 at 8:28 am

    Thing is, Lovergirl, I actually really understand where you are coming from.

    For a while it seemed that all I did was date nice, respectful men who wanted to please me and wanted to be in a relationship with me that was leading somewhere. They phoned, they made plans, they were total gentlemen and took care of EVERYthing – dream come true right? And yet I was so IRRITATED.

    I felt like they wanted something from me, something BIG, which I just couldn’t give. And the more they felt my hesitation, the more I tried to put in what I thought were the boundaries I needed for how I wanted to be treated, the HARDER they tried to please me. Until finally I just had to say “Stop the bus!” and get real with myself that my heart actually belonged to someone else. And ALSO that I needed to figure out what it was that I was really ready for, without someone else’s plans and desires and expectations clouding the picture. It was a very valuable time for me in many ways.

    But yes, I do understand. It was the time in my life when I was most ready to accept a casual relationship or friends with benefits, because I knew I wanted a man around, I knew I wanted sex and physical touch and friendship, beyond that I didn’t know. For me, the feeling of commitment is something I’ve had to grow into gradually, it wasn’t there from the start.



  163.  #163Beloved on April 28, 2015 at 11:29 am

    Driving home today, I just burst into tears.
    I feel so stressed, overwhelmed, over my head in all of this conflict at home.
    I’ve been reading about conflict resolution and roommates and stuff like crazy, trying to learn all I can about my part in this and what can I do
    and I just suddenly felt myself missing my ex SO much.
    I bawled and am crying again now.
    I could always go to him with stuff like this and get a new perspective, get ideas for peaceful resolution. I miss how good it felt when it felt like he was really on my side, and not just my side but on all sides and could be so great at helping everyone come to a better-feeling place through a lot of muck.
    I miss how good it felt to feel him holding me, hugging me, making me feel so safe.
    My heart misses him so much.



  164.  #164Azure Blu on April 28, 2015 at 11:45 am

    {{{{{Beloved #161}}}}}
    Love to you lovely Siren,,,
    I’m so glad you are sharing your difficult journey
    with us here on Siren Island…

    I had a roommate 2 years ago who had scyzophrenia
    I didn’t realize it at the time BUT
    She kept talking to me about how the neighbors were watching her…
    She would call me at my boyfriends house,
    when I spent the night, and tell me our neighbors were talking to her through the walls…
    In the end… she made a hole in her bedroom wall the size of a dinner plate trying to get to the neighbors…
    (I live in a town house and we share a wall with our neighbors)
    she took a large rock and broke the windshields and head lights of 3 of their 4 cars!!!
    The police took her away… It was a NIGHTMARE!!!
    Maybe J has some sort of depression?

    Not sure this is very helpful… but
    I am VERY sure These are J’s problems…
    i know you are simply trying to figure out how to navigate this.



  165.  #165Azure Blu on April 28, 2015 at 11:59 am

    Tereana…
    YES!!! you are IMPORTANT…
    the MORE I am Important to ME
    I put out this vibe of delightful dignity and worthiness!!!
    You are doing soooo well navigating the ins and outs of a long distance relationship…

    It feels to me like you are chasing him…
    pushing him away…

    What I discovered, when dealing with Spirits withdrawing (after becoming exclusive), is that I had to give it at least 2-3 weeks…
    after I expressed that I felt like I was chasing him… “He is so good at figuring out solutions, can he figure out a solution that would work for both of us”?
    and then I LEANED BACK… 20 weeks – I’m still leaning back…

    No text from me first, and answer with a warm,
    “I feel so happy when I see a text from you on my phone… ”
    and then just mirrored his short conversation…
    But I didn’t run over when he HINTED for me to join him at the bar…
    and sure enough… 2 weeks later…
    he has bounced back quite a bit… stays in contact everyday… invited me to meet his golf buddies!!
    It’s VERY nice!!
    Who knows… as Labbit and Gemini G says…
    They will go back and forth for awhile to
    see how much they really want to commit.
    But *I* am LOVING MY life…
    I am volunteering, learning Italian & Tango…



  166.  #166Azure Blu on April 28, 2015 at 12:00 pm

    *2 weeks* NOT 20 weeks
    ;0}



  167.  #167Lovergirl on April 28, 2015 at 4:48 pm

    Azure-

    I love how things are going so great for you and how well leaning back and being sireny has worked. I giggled at your 20 weeks mistake because at first I was like wow, 20 weeks, that Spirit has taken his sweet time and Azure has a lot of patience! 😉



  168.  #168Lovergirl on April 28, 2015 at 4:51 pm

    (((Beloved))) Sending hugs. That roommate situation sounds so difficult. I know how it feels to miss someone too. 🙁 Hope your day is going better.



  169.  #169Lovergirl on April 28, 2015 at 5:01 pm

    Indigo 162-

    Thanks for understanding. I haven’t heard from S today and it kind of feels like he freaked out about all the intimacy and is pulling back. It’s okay though, because I actually feel like I need a little space too. I’m really seeing my own commitment fears come to the forefront lately.

    It’s funny because I was married for 13 years, and we dated for 2 and a half before that, so it’s not like I haven’t been in a committed relationship before. I ended up feeling really trapped in my marriage though. I remember wondering if I was really going to have to live the rest of my LIFE like this, feeling so unloved and lonely with someone that was supposed to be my companion forever. I have a huge fear of another experience like that one.

    S is so different from my ex husband in so many ways. I really do have a bit of a fear of intense intimacy though, even with him. I feel SAFER with him than anyone else, but still a little scared.



  170.  #170Beloved on April 28, 2015 at 8:29 pm

    Lovergirl and Azure Blue – thank you thank you.
    I feel so much appreciation for the attention and support I am receiving.

    I felt SO triggered again, earlier today.
    When I was on campus, I realized how feeling provoked at home reminded me of how my father used to provoke me to fight with him.
    I don’t want to get into the details of the past, I’ll just say…I felt like I wanted to go HOME, go HIDE. Go sit in my room and cry and cry and feel all of that.
    Some other part of me just said…keep walking. Stay here. Don’t hide. Notice the sky, the walls, the ground, the feel of the rain drizzling, the breeze…
    I moved my eyes all around, looking everywhere, taking my attention outward.

    This is the vulnerability I feel, not being attached to a man. Feeling like I have nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, no big man to go lean on and talk everything out with and just work it out for myself.
    I feel my inner strength grew a bit…just a smidge. 😀

    I still feel struggling and undecided whether to pursue a career in lighting or just do what feels stable and familiar, get a ‘real’ job, with steady money and benefits. In a lot of ways, I’m leaning toward the latter. In some ways, I feel I need to be patient, I’m freaking out in the uncertainty of where my next $$ will come from. I feel like my design skills are as good as any of my classmates, but I feel very lacking in my programming skills. It feels SO hard for me to learn the more complex light desks.

    I honestly feel that there is something in my vibe that is calling out J’s behavior…it’s like how the 1st (and only!) time I tried to feed the parrots, they came after me. It wasn’t that I felt so afraid of them, I felt afraid of myself, hurting them.
    I don’t feel scared of actually getting hurt in a fight. I was trained to feel no pain and show no mercy and something in me just flips and I have been incredibly violent and THAT, that switch that flips when words flow that I can’t take back, and injuries get inflicted that have big consequences like permanently severed relationships, police intervention, injuries…all of that, I don’t want.

    I also remember dating the guy who inspired me to finally learn some new stuff about relationships. I fell SO in love with him. He also had a violent past, and I learned to value emotional stability from him. And I pushed him, the way I feel pushed by J. I pushed him so far away…! I remember thinking I would rather be fighting with him than feeling ignored. So, I imagine she is feeling the same (or was). I don’t know.
    I do know, I just don’t want to feel pushed to that point ever again.



  171.  #171Beloved on April 28, 2015 at 8:32 pm

    I take that back – I would LOVE to feel pushed to that point, to heal this, if that’s what it takes…in a setting with a trained professional 😀
    Not with just any old person.



  172.  #172Lavender on April 29, 2015 at 2:48 pm

    What do you all think of the following script?

    I feel very confused about the boundaries of our relationship. I don’t like feeling worried about every time a male friend texts me or wants to hang out when I feel that the intentions are innocent. Yet I feel like I’m expected to be okay with your female friends whom you’ve admitted have expressed more than just friendship desires with you. What do you think?



  173.  #173HeartBeat on April 30, 2015 at 8:14 am

    Indigo: Thank you so much for your reply, I really enjoyed reading it. You gave me some real food for thought. Thank you for offering your perspective and experience.

    Dominique: Thank you! I hadn’t heard the information about using ‘like’ in a feeling message before, I feel happy to know about it.

    Lavender: I’m no expert, but I just wanted to say that I felt really impressed with your feeling message (#172) I liked it very much.