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  1.  #1Femininewoman on May 29, 2014 at 7:33 am

    Thanks again

  2.  #2redbutterfly on May 29, 2014 at 12:42 pm

    I got home last night and my daughter wanted to show Widower and I her powerpoint she put together for school. It was late and I wasn’t in a great mood. She started the powerpoint and on her first slide I pointed out that she had a fact on the powerpoint that was completely opposite of the paper that it was based on. She was all confused and we were arguing about it and she got angry and slammed her laptop shut and said she would just show us tomorrow. After she left the room, I said “right?” looking for some confirmation and the widower said “No, you should have just let her do her presentation and then made some suggestions at the very end.” He was gentle about it and I felt really bad, really really bad because I always want to do everything right in parenting and if someone tells me I didn’t, I question myself and want to fix it.

    I wasn’t angry at him but I felt super bad and we were laying on my bed so I turned over because I thought I was going to cry and he said “Well, I am going home now” and he got up and left the room. That just made me actually start crying but I didn’t chase him because that never worked with my exhusband. After a few minutes, he came back into the room and laid down and said “Were you just going to let me walk out?” I just kind of shrugged because I was crying at this point and he said he wanted me to tell him to come back, that he felt like I was ignoring him when I turned over and me chasing him makes him feel wanted. He said “Are you mad at me?” I told him no, I wasn’t mad, I just get frustrated when I realize I didn’t do the right thing and it makes me feel so bad and that chasing after someone to come back never worked in the past. And I cry when I am frustrated! He hugged me and said “talk to me.”

    It was all fine in the end, I appreciate his honesty and I just want to be a good parent. And in the morning, my daughter came upstairs and hugged me and said she was sorry for being crabby and I told her I was sorry for being so critical and we were over in 2 minutes. But now the thought lingers about the chasing…is it ever ok to chase?? Whenever I begged my ex to come back or listen to me, all it did was make him shut down and make him want to get away from me more. The last couple years we were together, I would just let him go to another room or outside and wouldn’t chase after him to make him listen to me. Does it work for some guys and not for others? Was Widower playing a game? He has never played games before. I am not sure what to think about his statement.

  3.  #3Azure Blu on May 29, 2014 at 1:18 pm

    I feel your vulnerability sharing this lovely, warm family moment of your life with us on siren island!!
    Thank you for YOU!!!

    How would it feel to express just what you wrote to us to Widower?
    “I feel confused about you asking me to come after you… This feels like a game to me…
    What do you think?”

  4.  #4redbutterfly on May 29, 2014 at 1:30 pm

    Thanks, Azure Blu! Why is the simplest answer always the best? 🙂

  5.  #5Liquid Light on May 29, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    Wow Redbutterfly awesome awesome story! I love the way it turned out and I love the way you were so vulnerable and authentic through it all. His reaction, though perhaps a little immature and game playing (but let’s face it who isn’t sometimes), shows that he really cares. And I think you handled it beautifully, feeling your feelings throughout and always coming from there. Way to go, Siren Goddess, Wow!!!!

    Personally I think its fine to chase sometimes. It all depends and its all about the energy exchange. If you feel his energy coming towards you most of the time, then I think sometimes its OK to be more forward. After all, men have insecurities too and need reassurance sometimes. As long as you know where you stand with him and can feel his energy coming towards you most of the time. Just my 2 cents.

  6.  #6Azure Blu on May 29, 2014 at 1:44 pm

    LL #5
    Love what you said… very thoughtful insights…

  7.  #7Linda on May 29, 2014 at 2:13 pm

    Emerson. From my post a couple of threads back. Thank you for your kindness. I have not been on the blog in a few days and wanted to let you know how much I appreciated your comment.

    Babies.. puppies and men. You know what? they are all messy and take lots of work! the word that comes to mind is training! LOL seriously they are all worth the effort (smiles) !!

  8.  #8Femininewoman on May 29, 2014 at 4:34 pm

    redbutterfly I believe Widower was showing you who he is and what a relationship with him will be like. I believe he came back because he felt your vibe open to him even in the midst of your frustration. I wouldn’t assume it will always be like this though. We all make mistakes and I do believe that in the midst of all our foibles we all want to be able to trust that our significant other will help us to nurture the relationship over our frustrations. He said talk to me as a way of turning towards you instead of turning away. It was his bid for connection. Yayy you for recognizing this and letting him in.

  9.  #9Femininewoman on May 29, 2014 at 4:39 pm

    redbutterfly – But now the thought lingers about the chasing…is it ever ok to chase??

    For me personally when I think about “chase” I get a visual of one person in front running away. That visual alone is enough to stop me in my tracks and totally rethink going down that path.

  10.  #10Linda on May 29, 2014 at 4:39 pm

    I had a rollercoasterish week end emotionally.

    I posted about my state of being at a standstill. Well I decided to step out a bit. I have not been spending any time with anyone except family and while I like it a great deal.. I just feel lonely in the midst of it. I find myself wishing that I could wave a magic wand that would change my kids. They are such great kids but they are so unaccepting of my having anyone in my life romantically. Since I split with their father they have not been open or accepting of anyone new. The history and the dynamics around all of this are so mixed and convoluted and I admit that there are legit reasons for their attitudes and then there are just things that stem from their closed minds and hearts. I sincerely am at a loss about it all and can see no way to make any movement toward me being able to keep what I enjoy with them and include a new man in the mix. My solution, which is no solution at all has been to live compartmental existence. It is such an ugly bag of worms.

    This past week end I saw the man I used to call FavoriteCD and his daughter. Now I will just call him “P”. After a few discussions with him… I felt open to seeing him and is daughter. Anyway P and his delightful daughter came to my home on Saturday afternoon. We ran errands to get some things I needed to complete some projects I have going on around the house. One was to figure out why the outside grill was not working. He/we worked on it together and after cleaning it and installing a new regulator it is working again. (so exciting!!) We had just finished eating a bite of lunch on my patio when in walks my youngest daughter (age 24). She said she had tried to call me and since there was no answer she came to find me. (I had forgotten to take my cell phone to the store with me and came home and just started working on the grill and checking my phone was not on my radar). I was startled when she walked in… and the look she gave me when she saw who my company was.. well she just stared at me like I had two heads! Her behavior was cordial but I knew the rest of the rest of the story and what her real feelings about P were.

    I know from recent conversations with her and out talking about P that she does not want anything to do with him or want me too either. She firmly believes he will always throw his tall tantrums and will never change. No matter what she is closed period! Ok…sigh.

    I was sick at my stomach but decide to “own” my feelings and push into them wading thru fear.. thru panic…my sense of urgency…to a level place and stood there with all this whirling around me and sat down with my arms wrapped around myself. I let it all rage and I tried to discover my truth inside it all. (It was not 30 minutes later P and his daughter left for home and I was alone and I had opportunity to do it.)

    This is my truth…

    I dont want to live in a way that I have to choose between having a relationship with my kids or a relationship with a man in my life. to be continued…

  11.  #11Amber on May 29, 2014 at 7:00 pm

    Hi Linda!
    I see that your daughter is 24, are your other children grown and out of the house? If so, (this is MHO take it with a grain of salt) I would suggest living your life and setting boundaries with your children as if they are any other adult that you interact with. This means loving YOU first and setting criteria that makes YOU feel good. If ‘P’ makes you feel good, no offense, it’s really none of your daughter’s business. I don’t always like or approve of my step-father’s actions, but I appreciate that he makes my mom very happy a majority of the time. I love her and I want her to be happy. When Step-dad gets on my nerves (he reminds me a lot of my ex-husband so I get very triggered sometimes) I remain polite, but I distance myself from the trigger (leave the room, take a walk) and because mom and I have a very honest relationship she understands and doesn’t take it personally. I guess what I’m trying to say is that although your children will always be your children, now that they are grown it may not be the healthiest for you (or them) to allow them to infringe on your personal decisions. Make yourself happy and hopefully they will follow your example to thier own happiness!

  12.  #12Amber on May 29, 2014 at 7:05 pm

    I’m choosing not to criticize
    I’m choosing not to convince
    I’m choosing not to coerce
    I’m choosing not to justify
    I’m choosing happiness
    I’m choosing love
    I’m choosing to feel everything
    I’m choosing to let go and see what happens

    I’m choosing ME!

  13.  #13Zia on May 29, 2014 at 7:11 pm

    redbutterfly – thank you so much for sharing. i feel the same as you with regards to parenting, i have a 3 year old and my current partner has no children. i got a lot out of your story as this is my first time navigating through a proper relationship since having a child.

  14.  #14Tereana on May 30, 2014 at 5:01 am

    Babies, puppies, and men…training…hm…training for what???

  15.  #15Tereana on May 30, 2014 at 5:12 am

    Does anyone else have this experience? I first noticed it years ago. But sometimes, when I have a feeling – let’s say, smiley, or gross, or whatever the feeling is – and then I communicate it to another person, sometimes the feeling goes away.

    Like a smiley. Someone might send me a text that makes me smile. So I’ve got this awesome smile going on. I ask myself – do I just keep smiling, or do I text them a smiley?? Almost all the time, if I send the smiley, I actually FEEL less smiley. And that’s annoying. Because I want to be able to communicate the feeling AND keep feeling it.

    But this is a good argument for just “feeling our feelings,” I guess…

    And the reason I thought of this: S. Both with the bad feelings I had. And then also a message I sent him last night. Because it’s bizarre. With all the crappy behavior, with our life goals not matching up, and with him being thirteen years older than me, I have this distinct, intense feeling that I am PERFECT for him. I don’t even know why. There is no good explanation for it. And I just decided to tell him. Now it is on my mind less. But now that I write it, I am feeling it again.

    Oh well. It doesn’t mean anything. We cannot be together. But somehow we just feel so perfect, together.

    Like neither of is is perfect, but together, we are..

    That makes me feel a bit teary. But I’m not attached to the idea, or any outcome. I still want to live my life in a beautiful way. Yes, that should be the goal – not to have “marriage,” or “kids,” or even “a job.” Those things can happen, but they are things. Life is about the process. To life the process beautifully. That is my goal for the day. Perhaps for my whole life : )

  16.  #16Emerson on May 30, 2014 at 6:04 am

    15 wow tereana I enjoyed reading this….
    Very interesting about the feeling dissipating after you express it. That is not my experience.

  17.  #17Emerson on May 30, 2014 at 6:10 am

    On a different note about emotions and feelings… I know that I am largely affected by my digestive system. If I eat poorly and feel bloated I feel self critical and cranky. If I am on the right track, i praise myself and feel happy….
    It’s a very marked difference.
    I intend to get back to better eating.

  18.  #18redbutterfly on May 30, 2014 at 7:13 am

    Thanks so much, you guys, for your kind words! Makes me feel like part of the community! Even though I don’t comment a lot, I still read your stories and posts on a regular basis and get so much out of them! Liquid Light, I loved your thoughts about giving and taking! I did talk to Widower yesterday about it briefly because he said “I’m sorry I made you cry yesterday. I was just feeling ignored.”

    He is a good guy and I am a lucky girl! (Of course, he is a lucky man, too! 🙂 )

  19.  #19redbutterfly on May 30, 2014 at 7:27 am

    Zia, how does your current partner feel about your daughter? I had a bad experience with my exhusband and my daughter. He was not her father and never really fell in love with her. The main reason we got divorced was because he made my daughter’s life so miserable, she was writing suicide notes. She is now 16. When we got divorced 2 years ago, I had decided that I would parent by myself and not involve anyone else. That thought changed when Widower came into my life. My daughter loves him and they have a great relationship. We have not moved in with him yet but it is on the horizon. If you would have told me 2 years ago that a man could love a child that was not his own, I would have told you that you were crazy. But now I think it was just the guy I picked back then. Widower is as in love with my daughter as he is with me. He will do cute things like pick her up a package of brownies at the grocery store. I am curious as to how your significant other and your daughter’s relationship is because I always question myself…did I just pick a jerk the first time and a good guy the second time? It probably depends on the guy?? It’s not just guys in general?

  20.  #20Millie on May 30, 2014 at 7:32 am

    Tereana– I’ve had a similar experience. After I let Mechanic know I was interested in going on a date, all that immense desire that had been building up was set free! It’s amazing how quickly my feelings and desire for him has lessened if not evaporated since that time. Actually, now I see him as quite self-absorbed and judgemental of others. Over it.

    Emerson– I’m a libra and I’ve read that Libras hearts live in their digestive system. It makes sense because when I’m stressed or feeling distraught a lot of times I can’t eat, or really notice a change in my body. It’s strange, but how my abdomen feels and functions is an indicator of my emotional state…. Haha!

  21.  #21Dominique on May 30, 2014 at 8:13 am

    redbutterfly – 2 – It’s rarely if ever a good idea to chase after a man when he’s left the room or the house when there’s tension between you. Usually some processing time is wanted/needed, and chasing after him, just as your experience with your ex showed you, makes him close off even more.

    It all worked out well, and now HE knows to come to YOU when you feel upset.

    An exception to this might be to run after him to give one last hug and kiss before he leaves for example. A good feeling experience but one which comes from your heart because YOU want to no matter what his response.


  22.  #22Dominique on May 30, 2014 at 8:27 am

    Everyone – How you feel physically will directly affect how you feel emotionally which will directly affect your responses to those around you. And vice versa. The mind and the body are so deeply enmeshed, it’s almost impossible to tease them out.

    I’ve written several articles on this. Here is one.


  23.  #23Indigo on May 30, 2014 at 10:51 am

    Linda 10,

    I agree wholeheartedly with Amber.

    Your children are grown adults, and their feelings are their own responsibility. It is not your job to live your life in such a way that you do not offend them or make them uncomfortable simply by doing things that make you happy.

    Personally, and this is my honest opinion (so take it with a grain of salt if you wish), I find the pouty behavior of your daughter manipulative. She *knows* it will tug at your heart strings and make you want to change something in response to ease her discomfort, even though you are doing *nothing* wrong.

    I would set a clear boundary with myself – commit to honour doing what makes me feel good and exercising my right to make decisions about my own life and happiness without reference to someone else’s preferences – and set a clear boundary with your daughter. Something along the lines of “I love you, yet I am going to do what makes me happy. Sometimes I will not have my phone on me because I am doing something else. I will always be here for you, yet I am going to live my life.”

    Your daughter may have reasons for feeling the way she does about the men in her life, yet they are *her* feelings and her responsibility to work out.

    Sorry Linda, but I feel quite triggered by this as my mother would never, never have allowed me to dictate to her, however subtlely or justified, what she could or could not do with her life, and I am grateful for those boundaries!

    Lots of love to you and warm hugs x

  24.  #24Andrea on May 30, 2014 at 11:36 am

    Redbutterfly…. oooohh…. I feel so into your story. I feel if it were me and that has happened to me before.. with wanting so badly to be a good parent but having a mistake kind of flash before my eyes.

    I feel like crying. I feel I want to cry and feel my fear and shame and let the feelings come up and let myself feel them, shame and fear at being shown a mistake, fear and guilt and not being the best mother in the world, crying and feeling loss of connection because my partner gave me criticism, but also feeling confused and joyful that he loves my daughter enough to be protective of her feelings as well.

    I just feel like crying. I want to feel like crying right now.

    So my partner leaves because he thinks I’m ignoring him, but that’s his business. I want to feel and to cry and it isn’t about him and what he thinks is not really about me. I cry. I feel. He leaves. I know he will come back. I have faith that when he has space to work out his thoughts, he’ll come back to me.

    And when he comes back, which I know he always will. I’ll be feeling what I feel. Maybe wonderful relief that he came back now. Maybe he’ll say things like.. “why did you let me walk away?”

    But I’ll answer, “I FEEL so wonderful, happy, relieved, elated.. you came back. Thank you so much. I feel shame at not being a perfect mother. I feel sorrow at wanting to just cry by myself. I feel sweet joy that you are willing to let me cry with you.”

    What ever it is. I don’t need to explain his thoughts or feelings away, or ease his worries, or take care of him. I just need to FEEL. And then see if I can say those feelings.

    ooohhhh… I feel so appreciative of you RedButterfly for sharing this story. I feel growth and triggers laid to rest.

  25.  #25Andrea on May 30, 2014 at 11:40 am

    Dominique… wonderful article! Just wonderful!

    And Millie: So funny about the Libra, digestive system connection. I’m Gemini and I feel the most uncomfortable when my breathing is off. Taking care of myself and feeling the most sexy for me is when I am breathing deeply and caring for my lungs and air flow. And that’s a Gemini thing. : ) heehee

  26.  #26Kyla on May 30, 2014 at 11:46 am

    Ninja has to go away for work next weekend and cancelled our plans to go to the 1st of 2 out of town weddings he invited me to. I just accepted the news with a smile and told myself there will be plenty of other fun things to attend. An hour later a girlfriend calls saying she needs a change of scene so I invited her and her kids up to stay with me next wkd and we can catch up. Then a few minutes after I get off the phone from her another girlfriend asked me to go away with her for a week next month to a place that I recently decided I want to visit sometime this year. We have a free place to stay, invites to parties and the use of a car for the week too. All I need is the flight money and someone to watch the kids. Then a 3rd girlfriend from my home country calls to ask if I want to meet in Vegas in September with friends I haven’t seen in over 4 years! Yes I do!! My dad and Ninja are now both insisting that they can take the kids and help out financially if needed for both. WOW! Its turning into a super day. So I happily accepted the unwanted space created in my diary, didn’t feel sulky or complainy and then all these wonderful offers fell out of the sky to fill me back up. Magic sure does happen when I stop resisting 🙂

  27.  #27redbutterfly on May 30, 2014 at 11:52 am

    “but also feeling confused and joyful that he loves my daughter enough to be protective of her feelings as well.”
    Andrea, that is exactly how I feel! I love how you put that! After a marriage where my ex didn’t love my daughter, it is a relief to find someone who does. I will make sure he knows how much I appreciate that characteristic tonight. Thanks for reminding me! It was like you were there! 🙂

  28.  #28Kyla on May 30, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    I feel for you in that situation. I try to live by ‘my life, my rules’ but when family and friends are unsupportive it can make following my heart that bit more scary. It sounds like you had a lovely day with P.

  29.  #29Millie on May 30, 2014 at 1:08 pm

    So I was really excited to see my amazing date guy again this Saturday, but the other night he messaged me asking if we could do Sunday instead. At this point no location had been decided, so I asked him what time he was thinking on Sunday, he replied that he had no idea ….my first feeling was giddy that he just wants to see me!! But at the same time, how can I plan my wknd? I replied saying for him to let me know when he has a better idea of when. He hadn’t answered…. I know I shouldn’t bring it up again, but just venting that I’m excited to see him again, so book the date already man! Lol

  30.  #30Liquid Light on May 30, 2014 at 2:00 pm

    The pouty guy hasn’t gotten back to me and I see that he’s hidden his dating profile. I have a feeling I won’t hear from him again. And its totally fine. I knew it wasn’t quite right and I think he sensed that too. Enjoying the flow and trusting in my instincts. When its right, its right and when its not, its not. Wow… Oh the amazing simplicity and beauty of it all!

  31.  #31Syreena on May 30, 2014 at 4:07 pm

    Puts head in hands and shakes head,starting to feel apathetic pondering if this is just the way it is with all men.

    I am starting to feel doubtful that there are any men out there who aren’t like this.

    When responding to a male colleague who was ranting and raving that his ‘so called friends’ as he termed them weren’t watching him and keeping him safe and daring to chat to other friends instead keeping him safe from foreseeable danger that he knew and chose to put himself in. That it was his responsibility to either not do something that he didn’t have yet have the ability to do and not his friends. Manager steps in and tells me to be nice and not be negative critical and judgmental.Wanted to be open in the conflict so asked what he thought would be a better more positive way to enable our male colleague to become more responsible.
    His answer was to carry on asking his friends to watch him and manage the situation and responsibility was irrelevant.

    I then asked out of curiosity did he think our male colleague was also being negative judgmental of his friends by calling them so called friends and expecting this from them

    his answer Oh no he didn’t question the reason the male colleague was upset he accepted that.

    Got to love it. So in his eyes if a female colleague feels irritated at listening to a grown man knowingly putting himself in danger and expecting his friends to keep an eye on his safety it and states that it’s his responsibility the female is viewed as negative, critical and judgmental.

    If a man does the same thing to a man it’s ok and he just accepts that the man is ranting and upset without needing a reason.

    And in the male managers eyes it’s important to manage and irrelevant to want people to move forward to becoming responsible accountable adults.

    I thanked him for sharing his thoughts and perspective and how he thought managing was more important than being responsible and agreed to disagree that was more important as to me being responsible was a key relevant issue.

    Felt interesting to see and hear his different perspective on what how he viewed things

    Conclusion. How can I now use that as a mirror and be responsible for feeling apathetic about their views.

    Answer stay away and disengage next time the colleague starts ranting and raving like that. And go and do something that feels more productive or enjoyable..

    So off for a nice bath to relax.
    Accept that is how they view things and see what turns up next

  32.  #32Tereana on May 30, 2014 at 7:09 pm

    Waterfall – I wanted to respond to your comment in 83 from the last thread about D. How are you feeling, by the way?

    My friendly observation, from the outside, is that the confusion, and mixed feelings of hot and cold, affection and wanting to get away are related to how he is treating you. And to me, it is an indication of a controlling and manipulative personality. He may not do all of it on purpose. But it keeps you coming back, because you never know if you will get love or indifference from him. He keeps you on your toes. You hate it. But the “love” part feels so good from him that you’ll always feel drawn back. Does that sound familiar?

    From the inside, I know what that’s like. My relationship with my mom is like that. As well as with several men that I’ve dated. Some of them, I can’t even imagine why I might still have feelings for them. And yet, I do.

    Big hugs, girl…

    The right man for you won’t leave you feeling confused at all – about yourself or him : )

  33.  #33Tereana on May 30, 2014 at 7:15 pm

    Feeling a very deep loneliness tonight.

    I ran into T on my way home from work. He was pushing his baby in a stroller to the grocery store. I’d never met him in person before. I feel slightly – what’s the word I want? Relieved? – that his kid is sort of average-looking to me. I mean, all babies are cute, but some are especially adorable. His baby is just normal. Lol. He’ll probably grow up to be attractive, though.

    Anyway, so T and I were chatting. The topic of being (happily) married came up, and he suggested that we should “find me a man.” Yeah…

  34.  #34Linda on May 30, 2014 at 8:49 pm

    I appreciate all your comments about my situation. In the past I have chosen to “live my life” and have told them that I was not going to live my life in a way to gain their approval. They accepted it but also distanced themselves. I saw or heard from them very little and when I did it was very very strained. The lack of relationship was so hard for me. Over the last 7 years I have continued to be me. Their mom as I always have been. Things have shifted over the last year or so and I am enjoying a really great relationship with them both actually. Except when it comes to the love life thing I can pretty much guarantee they will be closed and disapproving.

    After the thing happened with my daughter I had posted about and I sank in and owned all my feelings… I did not call her, chase her, explain… I just let it be.

    Here is my (to be continued….) The next day I was to go to a cook out for the holiday at my other daughters house (age 28, married, 2 children) It was in the evening at 6. I decided to accept an invitation to go the P place for lunch and to go the his neighborhoods pool. ( I did not take my phone to the pool). We had another great day together too. After my afternoon there I left early to head to my daughters and checked my phone. It was loaded with missed calls and texts. They had moved the start time up to 4:45 and it was 4:20. I text back saying I would not be arriving on time. I immediately got a phone call and was confronted. My youngest daughter told her about what happened the day before and she asked it I was dating P again???…I said no.. but I had talked with him a few times and had seen him the day before and had accepted his invitation to go to the pool with he and his daughter. She was upset and could not understand why I would do that because she thought I had ended it and knew some of the reasons why I did. This led to a 35 minute talk. Me hearing how she felt. Surprisingly I heard her and did not go numb. My owning my feelings the day before helped me express myself to her. She did not want P to be forced into her life but wants him to build relationship with her and her family. I told her that I had only accepted an invitation to the pool for a few hours and not an engagement ring! I told her that I had planned to tell her and her sister about it all if I discovered that things would work between P and I. Which I honestly dont know if it will or not at this point. I decided NOT to attend but instead did what felt good to me. I went home and napped and watched a movie. I let it be, did not chase resolution or peace or carry tension. I just let it be what it was.

    This week has been interesting.After our honest talks, both my kids have chosen to press in toward me. !! Neither have been distant or the slightest bit cold toward me. THere has been a shift in a positive direction. It feels better.

    As for me and P… well I will just take that one day at a time and practice being present and expressive. That is what is in my heart to do.

  35.  #35Daria on May 30, 2014 at 9:23 pm

    Love it Linda you are Brave to go on such a healing direction

  36.  #36Femininewoman on May 30, 2014 at 9:24 pm

    Linda your comment reminded me of something I learned from Christian Carter. People play roles with each other. It is something that happens unconsciously. With awareness we can choose to change the roles we play. My question to you is what role would you choose to play with your 24 and 28 year old?

  37.  #37Indigo on May 30, 2014 at 11:07 pm

    Go Linda! It seems to me that it was so great that you stood your ground, took care of your feelings and went with what felt good to you.

    I think all the texts and missed calls and moving the time of the lunch, and confronting you about P, was a bit manipulative on your daughter’s part.

    I can’t help thinking that perhaps they have a newfound admiration and respect for you for speaking your truth.


  38.  #38Indigo on May 31, 2014 at 12:17 am

    Dominique 22,

    You are SO right.

    I find it nearly impossible to be my best self if I am feeling physically compromised in any way.

    Looking back I can see that many situations have triggered me a little more and I have not handled them the best way when I have been sick, on my period, tired or hungry, etc. … I suppose the best thing to do is forgive yourself, recognize it and go and take care of your physical needs the best you can and then come back to the situation at a later time.

    Thank you! You were the one who really made me aware of this.


  39.  #39Indigo on May 31, 2014 at 12:21 am

    Kyla 26,

    You have inspired me! The next time I have an unexpected opening in my diary, that I can think I can’t miss something I never had in the first place, and to see it as an invitation to go and do something lovely for me, or to go and spend time with friends, or spend time on a project or catching up on something.

    I love your perspective! It feels so much better!


  40.  #40Indigo on May 31, 2014 at 4:01 am

    Millie 29,

    I’m concerned that you are putting this man on a pedestal. He is not the prize to decide to change plans nonchalantly without a great reason and then not even firm up plans for when he thinks he might want to see you again, and keep you hanging… YOU are the prize.

    Your comment at feeling giddy that he even wants to see you has me concerned. I am worried that the guy can pick this up in your vibe, that you see him as more valuable than him, and will behave accordingly.

    I’m so sorry if this feels harsh or raining on your parade, but I feel concerned.

    Much love,

  41.  #41Indigo on May 31, 2014 at 4:01 am

    *more valuable than you

  42.  #42Femininewoman on May 31, 2014 at 6:57 am

    Indigo I find your comment to Millie interesting.

    “He is not the prize to decide to change plans nonchalantly without a great reason and then not even firm up plans for when he thinks he might want to see you again, and keep you hanging…”

    What if he thinks he is the prize? Is there something really wrong with that?

    How would one know that he is changing it nonchalantly without a great reason? What if he does not yet feel safe enough to share his reason? Is it really men who keep us hanging or do we choose to hang?

    “Your comment at feeling giddy that he even wants to see you has me concerned.”

    I have read other ladies write they feel the way they feel as the feelings just come up without their bidding or doing anything on their part. It is how they feel. Period. This comment kinda suggests that someone chose to feel this way because another person other than herself has been put on a pedestal by her. I must be feeling triggered by this because I know I have felt giddy and excited to see a man who I have experienced similar things with. Including initally refusing to open the door and saying that I am lazy. This is someone who I know for a fact was deeply emotionally hurt.

    I have accepted that there are things about him that I find deeply attractive. The way he seem to keep himself aloof most of the time and refuse to be affected by other people’s judgement. His adventurous nature. His passion for life. The way he clarifies his dreams and create them with focus and consistency. The way how he stays on his mission. Believe me I can go on and on about the things I find attractive about him including his physical being.

    What I am saying is that I have been able to figure out the things that I feel attracted to. Because of our history together I know when I see him or hear from him I feel giddy and excited. Last we met I told him some of it including how tightened I feel inside sometimes and how relaxed I know feel. He asked me why I felt tightened or uncomfortable before and now I felt relaxed. I told him maybe because I had taken him off the dam!n pedestal that I had him on in my mind. He laughed and then opened up to an extent that I had not previously seen. When we parted I left feeling more connected and had a sense that he was feeling safe.

    As I write because I am thinking of him I do feel giddy and excited. I believe it is something about “attraction” that I don’t know or understand. It is just there and I embrace it as in I feel excited that I can even feel this way. It feels like I am alive and just want to be in an environment and space that keeps these feelings alive. When I feel like this I feel like (think) I can take on anything in the world and win. I believe deep inside that I can move on from this man with these feelings and take them somewhere else out in the world. I feel so excited just embracing this I feel tearyeyed. I really believe it is not about this man but about all the power inside me. It is just that there are things about him that trigger these feelings. I have in the past thanked him for making me realize that I have this inside and for helping me to awaken this again.

    I realize I am rambling a bit but I hope this makes sense. I also want to say that I realize that I really don’t care if a man feels this in my vibe because I have decided that I am not going to put my life on hold waiting. With the giddyness and the excited feelings I walk around with a consciously chosen available and open vibe. At times it has felt scary and also exhilirating at the same time and it has also allowed me to let men come and go.

    Thanks for listening and allowing me to write. I feel now that I am vibrating at such a high frequency after writing this down that the world can feel me. I haven’t felt this charged in a while.

  43.  #43Cupcake on May 31, 2014 at 7:54 am

    40 – Indigo and Millie-

    I felt exactly the same response as you, Indigo, to what Millie wrote.

    42 FW- I think the difference in what you have written in your eloquent post is that you seem to be saying that the high emotions are taking you to a place where you can move on without attachment or investment in this man you have a history with.

    It feels to me like Indigo feels concerned that Millie is over investing in someone who thus far has demonstrated no keen interest in making her happy. Based on that, Indigo is asking whether he seems to be working to woo Millie, or if he thinks Millie would be lucky to get to spend time with him, if he can get together with her, if he doesn’t have more important plans. And Indigo suggests that if Millie let him see that she thought he was the prize by be allowing him to see she was giddy by being with him, that he’d take that to underline his own self worth, not HER value.

    Just chiming in with my two cents because I felt confused and uncomfortable reading FWs post which felt like it was challenging Indigo on points that are Rori 101.

    FW, you do go on to explain your own back story, and it sounds like a different kind of situation that made you feel triggered in response to Indigo.

    Hugs to you all.

    Millie, any news in that front?

  44.  #44Femininewoman on May 31, 2014 at 8:20 am

    It feels sad reading “which felt like it was challenging Indigo”

  45.  #45Kyla on May 31, 2014 at 8:51 am

    Woot woot! The place Ninja is being sent for work is a the other City I promised myself I’d visit this year and he’s offered to pay for my flight to join him! Yay! Wow all these wonderful things are just falling into my lap 🙂

    Millie I felt giddy reading how giddy you were feeling and let those happy feelings wash over me. Yummy new excitement feels so good as long as you don’t get attached to the source. I agree with FW that the man is a prize too, Ninja feels like a prize to me but I’m still number one to both of us 🙂

    So I also felt a bit concerned that he was changing plans and keeping it loose and that you didn’t take the opportunity to say something like ‘well I have a few things to do Sunday and it would feel awesome to see you too so let me know so I can see if I’m available!’. I can see where Indigo was coming from with the being too available and hanging on at his whim.

    And you know its all about your vibe so only you know how you were/are feeling about all this and what your vibe was doing. I feel excited to hear more 🙂

  46.  #46luzydel on May 31, 2014 at 9:03 am

    So right now I am in a stage of self discovery; I am not dating any particular person and I could go online, but I feel turned off by the idea and by men in general at the moment. I am cleaning my closet and my drawers and I found pieces of clothing I wore with some of my dates and I got a little critical of myself. I found lingerie and provocative clothing that is not actually who I am right now.

    There are many way of chasing men, even the men we do not even know. I am not the “sexy” type and I felt yucky thinking that I was pretending to be someone else to get a man. Then I felt hostile towards me; I didn’t know better and these were stages that brought me to who I am now. I feel lucky and I am going to start living one moment at a time without chasing. If a man leaves it was not meant to be… I am practicing being open, but not just to get a man, just to be open to people and share myself to them in a way that feels healthy to me.

    Not everybody is meant to have the cliche of a house and a husband and all of those stuffs; I am just going to go with the flow and let things happen. If I am meant to have a relationship that last over 4 months then let it be. The only forever in my life is me… the rest can change is an instant.

  47.  #47Lakshmi on May 31, 2014 at 11:40 am

    FW, I felt your high vibration reading your comment — and I love that you told the man in question that you now felt relaxed around him after taking him off the pedestal and it put him at ease. Telling our truth is so liberating!

  48.  #48Millie on May 31, 2014 at 2:17 pm

    I felt very shocked reading everyone’s responses to me….
    I actually feel a little hurt….
    First of all, this guy asked me many days in advance to go out. Second, he DID tell me the reason he needed to reschedule, I just chose not to share that reason here. Third, he followed up with me last night and confirmed a time for Sunday. Fourth, I asked him what time he was thinking, which alluded to “the time matters.” Fifth, I did not chase him down, nor initiate any contact. HE followed up. To address the whole pedestal thing…GEEZ can’t a woman say she feels giddy about a man and it be just that?!!! It felt good that he wanted to see me again. Maybe I should have left the “even” word out of it, I guess I was typing fast.

    Cupcake–how could you even say that I’m “overinvesting” or that he has shown no interest in making me happy?!! I am not overinvesting at all! I like the guy, I want to see him again. I’m not DOING anything. I told him I am old-fashioned and asserted that I did not want to drive to his house, he then picked me up and treated me like a lady the entire night. How can you say that does not demonstrate that he has no interest in making me happy?!

    Honestly, I felt like so far I’ve done well expressing myself with him, I feel criticized and “picked apart” reading the comments above.

  49.  #49Millie on May 31, 2014 at 2:23 pm

    I feel very triggered by everyone’s post to me. Not because I believe it to be true in this situation, but I believe it to be true with me in the past. I don’t want to repeat my same mistakes, and regardless of everyone else’s opinion about me, I FEEL I’ve grown by leaps and bounds in the past few months.

  50.  #50Millie on May 31, 2014 at 2:30 pm

    Cupcake, it also seems you are worrying too much about what this man is thinking and what he is thinking about me. I am not. When I posted the other day, I was feeling frustrated that he has not solidified plans yet, so yeah, perhaps my energy came across as being too focused on him….but later that day he contacted me and solidified. If he had waited too long, I would have let him know that I made other plans since I hadn’t heard from him, but in my book, asking me out four days before, and solidifying 2 days before is ok.

  51.  #51Azure Blu on May 31, 2014 at 2:33 pm

    Syrena #31
    I feel badly… I tried to understand what you have shared
    but wasn’t able to. Sorry…

    It seemed that you were doing a good job staying your siren self?

  52.  #52Azure Blu on May 31, 2014 at 2:40 pm

    I can feel your frustration…
    How Brave and authentic to share this frustration with us here on siren island!!

    It does feel to me like you have made some amazing
    changes in Loving YOU more
    and holding your boundaries
    and using feeling messages.

    Now that i read the deeper explanation
    I agree
    CD asking you out 4 days in advance and confirming 2 days in advance is Very respectful!!
    I can’t wait to hear how the date goes on Sunday!!!

  53.  #53Azure Blu on May 31, 2014 at 2:42 pm

    Millie~ PS
    Giddy is good!! :->

  54.  #54Millie on May 31, 2014 at 2:43 pm

    Also, when he did contact me last night I told him I was at my friends house but that is love to chat more tmrw. I didn’t drop what I was doing to talk to him. Sorry, I feel like I need to defend myself at this moment.

  55.  #55Millie on May 31, 2014 at 2:50 pm

    Azure, thank you. It feels good to share my feelings here.

    I know you all have my best interest at heart, and I thank you for being honest and sharing your feedback.

  56.  #56Indigo on May 31, 2014 at 3:11 pm

    Feminine Woman 42,

    Thank you for your comment. You have a beautiful vibe which comes across in it, and I can feel your giddy exhilaration in your words.

    I too feel that men, in their own way, are prizes too in that they are precious human beings whom we connect with and with so many things we can learn from and love.

    I loved reading your words about that particular man – beautiful.

  57.  #57Millie on May 31, 2014 at 3:12 pm

    FeminineWoman 42–

    Your words touched me very deeply, and I can hear through your words how connected you are with yourself and how well you understand your own chemistry with attraction. I admire this in you. I also agree with your comment asking “Is it men that keep us hanging, or we that choose to hang.” I think that men do what they do for whatever reason, a reason we do not know, and is none of our business. Our job is to respond to their actions. We choose to “hang.” I chose to hang for a certain window of time. Once that window of time closes, I will make other plans. For me, I have now decided that that window closes if I have not heard from a man a full day (24 hours at minimum) before the date in question.

    I also feel that expressing my giddiness when I’m in front of him and allowing him to see it is authentic and increases the connection. I felt that he matched my giddiness while he was in front of me as well. For the first time, I let down my guard and allowed my happiness to just beam out of me.

  58.  #58Indigo on May 31, 2014 at 3:13 pm

    Cupcake 43,

    What you expressed was exactly what I was trying to say. Although I didn’t feel challenged by FW’s words. I see it as simply another viewpoint, which I also share in many ways.


  59.  #59Indigo on May 31, 2014 at 3:15 pm


    I’m sorry you felt criticized and picked apart.

    I was merely concerned for you.

    I have no doubt you have grown by leaps and bounds, it is very obvious in your posts.

    I hope you will take my words in the constructive spirit they were intended.

    Love x

  60.  #60Waterfall on May 31, 2014 at 3:17 pm


    Thank you! I think your response is spot on – and I guess it is what it is. I think I would feel like this around him even if he laid out the red carpet for me. He makes my heart flutter and I do get nervous around him – always have!!

    Sirens, thanks for your responses!

  61.  #61Millie on May 31, 2014 at 3:24 pm


    Thank you, and I know your words are intended to be constructive. After everything that happened with Mechanic…and my clear putting him on a pedestal…I feel that my inclination to have done that in the past is a sore spot. I didn’t want to hear that I’m doing it again. Thank you for detecting that in my post and I will take your words as a warning for myself, to keep myself in check, to not fall back into old patterns,and to always put myself first. I’m sorry I reacted with such defensiveness….much love,


  62.  #62Millie on May 31, 2014 at 3:26 pm

    Cupcake– although you haven’t responded yet, I also apologize to you, for reacting to your insightful words with such defensiveness. My strong reaction only reveals a wound that has not yet healed. Thank you for looking out for me as well. Much love,


  63.  #63Sophie on May 31, 2014 at 4:06 pm

    That felt like a really powerful processing Millie – I want to give you a big hug. I felt concerned too but not because I felt you may do ‘anything wrong’ I think I’m so hyper-vigilant about the ‘run around man’ I wish none of us have to deal with them. But blessed be the run around man that allows us to practice and realise our self worth. If it wasn’t for them I may not have ever found Rori at all.

    And I felt curious about your writings FW – in a good way – I was enjoying what seemed to me to be this accepting of wonderful feelings without the need to drive them on in anyway or make them be something else or chase them to a finishing point – gifts just as there are -present moments – I don’t know if that’s what you were saying but that’s what it evoked for me – thank you – I would like to explore that further

    I just really quickly read Rori’s new ebook when you sign up. It is fabulous. Some interesting revelations. One of them about intimacy. With B I just kind of gave up as in ‘you’re not the man for me anyway so why practice the tools’ kind of thing hmmmmmmm I wonder if I deliberately choose men as a get out clause against uncomfortable change – that feels likely. And…things between us feel reasonably companionable right now. This space allows me to enjoy reflections about myself and about relationships. Living together like this has certainly been a fast track to getting to know all the different layers of someone. I like beginning to see the ways in which he operates and some of the underlying reasons why. We’ll move on sooner or later but I imagine when I can process in retrospect and integrate this learning experience may have been a big one xx

  64.  #64Sophie on May 31, 2014 at 4:07 pm

    Ps Millie – hope the date is fab 🙂

  65.  #65Sophie on May 31, 2014 at 4:12 pm

    Kyla!!! You’re becoming the Queen of co-creating! How brilliant about the trip! I feel inspired by your successes! xxx

  66.  #66Andrea on May 31, 2014 at 7:36 pm

    A wave of plush loveliness swept over me. I feel sweet, serenity on a Saturday night. I’m home. It’s raining.

    My low back has been aching and I have been administering loving self care to myself. Gentle yoga stretches, deep breathing, slow and sumptuous walks by myself, taking in nature and life, and self massage strokes… all weekend long.

    I sweet vibration swept over me and I started a whole new page to my business website: “Be Gentle Big Girl.”

    I just feel so serene and full of smiles to myself. So many thoughts came to me about being a bigger woman and dealing with… love, dating, body issues, health, fashion, and being amazed and in tune with and so just loving myself.

    Be Gentle Big Girl. I’m working on a video about self massage techniques and a stretching and walking and meditating routine that centers on healing low back pain. It’s all about gentleness….

    I feel so in love with myself tonight. I love new creative ventures. I love my new found admiration for this wonderful plush body of mine. And I love the gentleness I feel toward myself.

    I expect this coming week is going to be very soft, inviting, swaying, gentle, wonderful…. Creative mode can be feminine… hmmmmm

  67.  #67Tereana on May 31, 2014 at 8:08 pm

    Andrea – I love your word “plush.” Did someone else use that word here, or was it you? Anyway, I love it. So evocative : )

  68.  #68Tereana on May 31, 2014 at 8:15 pm

    I have noticed something about myself: I seem to have an inordinate obsession with The Truth. Other people seem to be able to let small untruths slide. Others can create and live with “little white lies.” I decided a long time ago that even a small lie was harmful. But that puts me into situations at times where I am perhaps more truthful than I need to be. And if I perceive someone is not telling me the full truth, than I find I cannot tolerate it.

    And I’ve noticed more and more that my mother has a “flexible” relationship with “truth.” She conveniently omits or forgets things that she simply doesn’t want to tell me, while having an extremely strong memory for really a lot of things. I guess I just don’t buy her “forgetfulness.” That’s the real lie. But liars have power. Because they control the “truth” that they tell. I can only console myself with the fact that I can often see the truth, and/or that it’s not always what she says. But, nevertheless, trying to have a conversation with anyone who is – prevaricating! That’s the word! Yes, prevaricating. That is a hard conversation to have. Grrrr…

  69.  #69Tereana on May 31, 2014 at 8:32 pm

    So one other thing that’s on my mind today – perhaps brought on by that convo with T…

    People have always said this thing to me about having broken off an engagement when I was 26: “Well, at least you weren’t married for ten years with two kids and going through a nasty divorce.” And yeah, that’s kind of true. But HOW DO THEY KNOW????? That’s what really gets me. Just because I broke up with him then, why does that AUTOMATICALLY mean that we WOULD have gotten divorced. What about this? What if I had simply surrendered into the relationship, LET him love me in the way that he wanted to, and RECEIVED all the enormous and wonderful gifts I was receiving WITHOUT pushing them away.

    Even if we HAD gotten a divorce (which I would doubt), I would have at least had kids by now.

    I want so much to be a mother. That is the deepest desire of my heart. After seeing T and his baby yesterday, I had a massive dream about babies, and in the morning I felt even more lonely. I’ve spent my entire day combating loneliness.

    And this is eight years from when we would have been married. Right years and NO kids later. It’s entirely possible that I won’t be married until 10 years after that ordeal – or more. I’m not saying is be really into a nasty divorce. I’m only saying that I really wanted to be a mother at that time. And I want to be that now. And the only person who is making that impossible is ME.

    I am pushing to good men away
    I am choosing singleness and “dating” instead of partnership
    I am letting my “invisible programs” run my life
    I am reacting instead of feeling and responding
    I am living I stress and trying to do it “all by myself” in the belief that I need to be “perfect” before I can be a partner. Before I can be a mother. And ths is all a big, bullshit excuse for really just not buckling down, surrendering and BEING those things.

    How dare those people tell me that “10 years 2 kids” thing like it’s a bad thing. Heck, if I had it to do again, I would have those kids and just see what happened. I am sorry I didn’t. Because I didn’t know what I was doing at the time. I was freaking out. I was scared of being loved. And I wish I has just relaxed.

    That is all.

  70.  #70Zia on June 1, 2014 at 1:49 am

    M told me he loved me last night 🙂
    I’ve felt that way about him for a while but decided this time I was going to let him lead, and I wasn’t going to say anything until he did first.

    And in doing that it allowed me to feel that way without having that burning urge or need to tell him so. And I knew how he felt about me before he actually said the words. But it was so nice to hear them.

  71.  #71Waterfall on June 1, 2014 at 1:56 am


    Wow! What amazing processing you are doing – it sounds like you are finding out and embracing such a huge and powerful energy within yourself.

    I think it’s good to come to these realisations because they help to push us on to the next stage in our lives.

    Something very similar happened to me when I was younger. I felt torn apart when my relationship ended (even though I was only a teenager at the time) and people would say to me – “Well, you were so young. It was never going to last anyway”. – And I felt super heartbroken because this person was the love of my life and I have never loved in the same way since. Maybe it was because it was my first love, we were young with no responsibilities but either way I was very happy and I have never felt that since.

    Sorry this is not supposed to sound all doom and gloom! I am sure people mean well when they tell us these things – or they are just frustrated that for us that we can’t move on…

  72.  #72Indigo on June 1, 2014 at 2:22 am

    Woohoo Zia!

    What a wonderful moment in your relationship 🙂 very happy for you

  73.  #73Syreena on June 1, 2014 at 2:29 am

    Azure Blu.
    Yes I can see why it was difficult to understand what I shared the way I did.

    It wouldn’t have made much sense to anyone as I didn’t share enough information or full context.

  74.  #74Dominique on June 1, 2014 at 5:47 am

    Zia – 70 – 🙂

    Love to you.


  75.  #75Azure Blu on June 1, 2014 at 7:20 am

    I feel warm, flowing, soft summer breezes when I read about
    you waiting gently with your heart full of love…

    It feels like you were sooo open to receiving
    You knew he loves you by his actions and wrds….
    This all feels SOOO romantic…
    Mmmmmm…. :-}

    I feel VERY happy for you!!

  76.  #76Azure Blu on June 1, 2014 at 7:33 am

    Tereana #69
    Amazing feelings and insights you are having…

    I do understand the being perfect… before I can have a relationship…
    I’m just wondering…Do you have the feeling that time is NOT on your side in regards to partners and children?
    I know how that feels to hear the
    BIG TIME clock tick, tick, tick, tick
    When I hear that clock…
    I embrace ME and
    open up my POL (potion of love… with the scent of gardenia)
    and gently,
    with soft, warm hands
    slather myself with the lovely, smooth, warm
    I Love my fear of running out of time
    I love my age
    I love the part of me that hates my age
    I love ME now.

  77.  #77prplpsn28 on June 1, 2014 at 3:15 pm


  78.  #78Sophie on June 1, 2014 at 3:45 pm

    I feel so wired today. The last few days have pushed me to my limits and I feel way out of whack. When I have too much work and not enough downtime I am out of balance big time – my sleep is off, my body is painful and I don’t feel I have time to breathe. I wish I was brave enough not to go to work tomorrow because I know I need slow down space. I need to allow my body to restore its natural rhythms. But I’ll go, it’s just the morning and I have all day respite on wednesday.

    I have been writing and writing and writing – deadlines for paid work today. Deadlines for this court case tomorrow. I felt cross with B because all the work was on my shoulders and I wanted him to take some of the stress from me. I must have somehow managed to communicate that a little bit even though I was angry and accusatory because he came in to the same room as me whilst I worked on his document and rubbed my shoulders for about a minute. He asked me whether I felt supported now – yes more than not supported at all although pee’d off that I also had to go to the shop though I’d had no break or sleep – then he went out…he tries…a bit… it is never in a million years going to be enough for me. Facebook friend’s boyfriend just bought her a trip to Oz for her birthday – I’ll have some of that please 🙂 My donkey days are over x

    love your news Zia 🙂 so wonderful to see everyone’s lovely moving forwardness xxx

  79.  #79Sophie on June 1, 2014 at 3:56 pm

    Tereana and Azure B – I feel the fear sometimes that i’d like a baby and worry that it will not happen for me. I have definitely put pressure on relationships too having this as my agenda – or chosen men (foolishly) because I think they may be able to be a father for my child. Sometimes it feels like grief. I haven’t felt this recently and I feel grateful about that but it’s mostly been because it’s been so arrgghhh all I want is to feel at peace (not give birth right now). I’ve been working at an acupuncturists and that has left me feeling less anxious – they specialise in fertility – it feels hopeful all is not lost. They have so many success stories. I always thought I’d be a mummy and it’s so peculiar to find myself where I am – completely unexpected. But…there is still a yet. It can happen…just like that 🙂

  80.  #80Phoenix on June 1, 2014 at 7:52 pm

    It’s not your “negative” feelings that push a man away – it’s what you do with them.

    It’s how you LIVE with them – because there are things in this world that Trigger us can make us feel sensitive and sad all the time.

    And the way to live with negative feelings that pushes a man away is to RESIST them.

    The way to live with negative feelings that BRINGS A MAN CLOSER is to FEEL them.

    And that doesn’t just mean just feeling them for a moment and then moving on to something else to distract ourselves…

    It means FULLY FEELING your feelings by SINKING INTO them.

    How to do it? You’ll find a Tool specifically for the feelings of anger, jealousy and obsessive thoughts about a man in my Commitment Blueprint program, and in my new Modern Siren program, there’s a full set of Tools for sadness, and a way to handle that “wave” of feeling that sometimes hits us just when we wish it wouldn’t. You can look at both of the programs here: [catalog]

    For now, try this:

    When you’re feeling “negative,” and you’re afraid your “vibe” will push a man away – notice what you do – notice if you start TALKING (what so many of us women do when we’re uncomfortable).

    Notice if you start all of a sudden getting “cheerful.”

    Notice if you suddenly start trying to make things “okay” in your mind and smile.

    Notice if you move TOWARD him – touch him, talk to him – in an effort to make the “bad” feelings go away.

    And then stop yourself. DON’T DO what you INSTINCTIVELY want to do to feel better.

    There’s a MUCH better way to feel better.

    SINKING IN feels like this: It feels like you just “give up.” You just give up on trying to hold back the feeling.

    Usually – when we stop holding back, all kinds of things happen – most often with results that aren’t what we wanted. It’s like a rubber band you’ve been pulling and pulling apart until it reaches maximum tension and then you let go and SNAP – it flies (and usually hits our man right in the face).

    So try this: instead of “letting go” and letting fly, hang onto yourself in a simple way – don’t DO anything – just give up trying to hold it back. This way, the “rubber band” just returns to its limp, graceful shape without a reaction that creates a whole new set of issues and moments and feelings for you to deal with.

    As you “go limp” and “give up” you’ll feel a whole bunch of things loosen in your body. Your shoulders will drop down, and what might have felt like an iron grip around your heart will lighten up a bit.

    Now, let’s say you – like I was – are stuck in a car, or in a restaurant, or in a room with your man, and you can feel your resistance tightening in your shoulders and in your heart, and you feel like talking to relieve the pressure.

    Step 1 – You notice what’s happening.
    Step 2 – You do NOTHING
    Step 3 – You FEEL whatever feelings you’re feeling, give up trying to hold the feelings back, and sink into them – as though those feelings are your deepest friends (they are).
    Step 4 – Now you use Feeling Messages to communicate with your man, and we’ll talk about that next.

    written by Rori Raye

    Tuesday, 29 July 2008 @ 7:45pm

  81.  #81Linda on June 1, 2014 at 8:08 pm

    I do feel I have turned a corner. I am honoring what feels good to me in all my relationships. Being genuine and authentic is tuff at times but if feels “clean”.

    The question from FW about what role I am playing with my children? I am and will always be their mother and as they have grown that role has morphed and changed with the phases of their lives. I think their issues have arisen because I am NOT playing the role that they would like to have assigned me. I am instead living my life out loud with all its untidy ends as I search and grow and am discovering more and more who I am.

    I am going to dig in and think about it though. I do feel I play a role on holidays mostly.

  82.  #82Emerson on June 1, 2014 at 10:59 pm

    Hello sirens I went on a coffee date and the guy didn’t even bother to offer to buy me a coffee!! Lol

  83.  #83Millie on June 2, 2014 at 12:04 am

    Emerson oh no! What did you do? Or say?

  84.  #84Millie on June 2, 2014 at 12:13 am

    Ladies I just got back from date #2…. It was amazing! I felt worried before hand because he said he would call when he was leaving and didn’t, but he showed up to pick me up right on time! He made dinner reservations at this really nice place and we had so much fun! He is such a gentleman! Afterwards, we wanted to go dancing but it was late and a Sunday, so we drove around and chatted. He asked for my hand to hold while he was driving, and we came back to my place, put music on and danced in my living room. He kept saying how wild I make him feel and how happy he is that we met. We kissed a lot and he said he feels happy, overwhelmed, and frustrated, ( meaning that he wanted to go a little further but I kept it just to kissing) I told him sex means more to me than just being physical and he said he agreed. We have plans to go dancing Thursday. I feel so alive and lit up inside!

  85.  #85Millie on June 2, 2014 at 12:38 am

    Tereana 69– I loved reading this post by you…
    Doesn’t it feel good to know how much you’ve grown since that relationship.. I have no advice to give, but I love your processing and honesty. I hope you find a man that can give you the children, and family you deserve and are able to receive. 🙂

  86.  #86Indigo on June 2, 2014 at 12:53 am


    I feel happy that you had a good time!

    I feel nervous for you…

    Are you dating other guys? Anyway, I’m happy you had a good time and got to experience those giddy feelings!

  87.  #87Indigo on June 2, 2014 at 1:02 am

    Phoenix 80,

    Thanks for posting this. I had an opportunity to do this last night… but, instead, I tried very hard to make things “better” for myself, knowing very well there was nothing I could do.

    In the moment, when you are all triggered and worked up, I find it hard to “do nothing”. To me it feels like someone telling me to “calm down” – it’s not that I can’t do nothing in the moment, but I guess I just feel like expressing myself and giving voice to my feelings.

    Please don’t judge me for this, but when someone has walked away from me, all angry and swearing and worked up, when they are feeling all overwhelmed and maybe a bit petulant, I feel like throwing a small tantrum in return. I can’t quite muster the Zen to “do nothing”.

    Does anyone else battle with this?

  88.  #88Magic Seahorse on June 2, 2014 at 6:11 am

    Hi Indigo!

    I used to do that! Lol:) I have become a bit like Spock now. I feel my own soup get bubbling and am now able to watch and know it’s just somebody having some noisy energy…………. To quote Mr. Spock,”Fascinating”;)

    Practice practice practice:)

  89.  #89Indigo on June 2, 2014 at 6:40 am

    Yes seahorse, practice practice practice, I’m not there yet :/

  90.  #90Millie on June 2, 2014 at 7:30 am


    Why do you feel nervous for me?

    I don’t feel nervous.

    I feel confident and secure in my boundaries.

    I don’t feel the fear that you may be feeling.

    I have many men around me, but not necessarily as dates.
    I am a busy girl, with lots of interests, but if a man I feel good with asks me out four days ahead, I will gladly accept. I will not chase, but I will happily accept.

    Thank you for your concern, it feels good to be cared about.

  91.  #91Indigo on June 2, 2014 at 8:16 am


    I’m very glad to hear that. And if that is how you feel, that is all that counts.

    There were some things in his behavior on your date which would have raised little concerns for me, but if you feel good, that is all that matters.


  92.  #92Femininewoman on June 2, 2014 at 10:15 am

    Millie all I’d say his maybe I would space out my dates a bit more. I believe it is too early to be giving him so much time and attention. He needs some space to build desire is what I believe. His frustration I believe is the sexual tension which I would definitely suggest that you keep going until you have developed an emotional attraction. Right now I believe it would be mostly physical attraction which we know most men can feel easily for just about any woman.

  93.  #93Dominique on June 2, 2014 at 11:51 am

    Indigo – 87 – Goodness this is SO okay and totally human nature. What’s more important is what you actually do and how you embrace and deeply FEEL these feelings so that you can let them go (sooner if later, and either one is valid and perfectly fine), even in a ZEN sort of way. Or not. I wouldn’t suggest holding onto these feelings which I know you don’t, for doing so only hurts you, which you know. So my dear friend, you are perfect just the way you are. 🙂


  94.  #94Indigo on June 2, 2014 at 12:07 pm

    Thank you Dominique 🙂

    I am starting to come around to the thinking that I might just be perfect the way that I am, or at the very least, perfectly ok 🙂

    As you say, it’s what you do with those feelings… where you feel all hot and tantrummy and un-Zen-like in the moment – and I find those feelings can hang around for anything from half an hour to two hours… so I suppose as you say I need to practice feeling those feelings as fully as I can for as long as they last, even if it means plonking down on the floor and throwing a tiny mini-tantrum like a 4 year old girl.

    Thanks my dear friend xxx

  95.  #95Millie on June 2, 2014 at 12:19 pm

    Indigo— red flags? Pls elaborate.
    So far, I did comment to him that he said he’d call and didn’t. I also agree that right now it is unclear if his attraction is more than physical. I intend to wait in that dept.

    Yes Femininewoman, I will consider that after this next time I see him. Leave him hanging a bit…

  96.  #96Millie on June 2, 2014 at 12:31 pm

    Btw… I took his physical desire as a compliment. He was not asking for sex, just wanted me to remove my top, which I did not do. I saw it as an opportunity to express my boundaries and his response to be very respectful.

  97.  #97Femininewoman on June 2, 2014 at 1:20 pm

    Millie from what I have experienced when men are indoors they want to undress. I would keep these get togethers in public places if I were you. At least for now. Experiment to find out how much he is willing to respect you.

  98.  #98Tereana on June 2, 2014 at 3:26 pm

    Thank you, ladies, for the feedback! That all felt really nice to read. Honestly, I was just feeling like venting. lol. And I’m glad some of you can relate. Waterfall – incidentally, T was my big high school crush/love. I felt “I’m love” with him, although we never dated and weren’t a couple. Come to find out – just last year, actually – that he always had a crush on me, too. Who know?? And by this time he was already married to someone else, with a baby. So it’s always bittersweet to see him now. I actually don’t mind talking to him. I don’t think I can muster the courage to see his wife, though, even though we were friends in high school, too. I just think it would be too hard for me.

    So my fiancé was someone else entirely. Seeing old high school crush was what brought all those feelings up, though. So you were right on the money! There’s something very pure and intense about those adolescent love feelings…

    Meanwhile, I had a super lovely second date with an older man. He is one year older than S. So not crazy older, but definitely older. Lol. I didn’t think he was attracted to me. Our first date was kind of a bomb. But then he showed up, held my hand, helped me put my sweater on… And we were out late-ish, but he took me home as soon as I started yawning. Lol. He is a lot different than S. He is single for a different reason – he was actually married once, and it didn’t work out. And that was more than 10 years ago for him.

    And I have other CDs as well, but that was just a nice, pleasant surprise. I felt we connected in a pleasant way.

    And about the clock ticking… I do and I don’t “feel it.” (That was actually S’s first question to me. LOL!) But many people have asked me. I don’t want to have a child just because I think I need to rush and “beat the clock.” I don’t feel that in my body. What I DO feel is a deep, sweet desire that feels embedded in every pore, atom and DNA strand. It’s just a part of me. It’s an essential part of what makes me who I am. It’s not connected to a time schedule. That said, “now” seems like a good time. Like, whenever “now” is. And Now is when I have a nice partner that I feel comfortable with. Now is when I release and LET it happen. Thinking of a clock feels linear, masculine. It’s not an approach that I can connect with how I feel.

    That said, of course I’m aware that the time is limited. Since I’ve just turned 34, yes, I do feel slightly more aware of it than I have been in the past. However, that said, I’m not going to “freak out” about it until I’m 35. Lol. And even then, I love to think of my friend, who was alone for many years. Finally, she met a wonderful man who is now her husband and they have the most wonderful baby boy. And she is SO happy and relaxed. She tells me – in words and otherwise – that yes, it can happen. And it’s worth the wait. It’s just kind of hard to feel that when you are in the middle of waiting. But her story is a great one to give me lot of comfort – she’s 43. My life is not over, ladies. And if Rori’s process proves anything, it’s that a lot can happen in a little time. I will continue to believe that – even if my external reality doesn’t seem to substantiate it at the moment. I am more aware of the possibilities, and look toward that (whe I’m not busy mourning lost time.) but I guess I should just keep my mind on that possibility more. Thinking about lost time probably brings more lose time to me. Besides, I don’t really believe that we “lose time.” It’s always time. It’s always “now.” Am I right?

    Ok, I’m getting a little philosophical. Lol. I love being philosophical : )

  99.  #99Millie on June 2, 2014 at 6:22 pm

    Femininewoman I had to laugh when I read your comment. I picture men being unable to keep their clothes on while indoors… As funny as it sounds, I get your point. He did invite me fishing with a group of his friends…that is outdoors! I have not accepted not declined yet. I am def excited to experiment!

  100.  #100Tereana on June 2, 2014 at 7:26 pm

    Millie – I think your date sounds fine.

    But it makes me think (along with FW’s comment) about what we do as women, and how it’s interpreted by men. Because men automatically want to sleep with us. They are very hopeful and optimistic, and they look for the best possible outcome. Therefore, if we invite them inside after a date, even if we have zero intension of seducing them, they will likely still hope that we might. They might interpret that we want to, even if we don’t.

    It doesn’t have to make sense for us, but for me, it’s helpful to keep this in mind – that if I don’t want to give a guy “the wrong message” or “mixed signals,” then it’s helpful to not invite him in – even if I’m confident that “nothing would happen.” Unless of course you are a couple. Then by all means : )

    That said, you didn’t do anything wrong, Millie. Just might explain his behavior a little bit. And why “setting boundaries” in that context can feel frustrating at times…


  101.  #101Millie on June 2, 2014 at 9:08 pm

    Tereana– I see your point. Next time I will be more aware of how my actions or choices may be perceived by a man as misleading.

  102.  #102Indigo on June 2, 2014 at 11:58 pm


    Not red flags – pink ones. Bear in mind, these are from my own experience, so if you don’t feel they apply, that is totally cool.

    Yes, saying he’d call when he left and then not – it may seem like a small thing, but it is a disconnect between his actions and his words. Something to pay attention to.

    Changing the date from a Saturday night to a Sunday night – yes I’m sure he had his reasons, but I’d also want to observe this going forward. Something my mom said, and I’ve observed it in my own life – a guy who is serious about you keeps his weekends open for you, including “prime time” Saturday night.

    Not going out dancing but coming back to your place instead where sexual tension inevitably built up – I agree with Feminine Woman, maybe a bit too much intensity for this early on. As FW said, see how far he is willing to respect you.

    Please excuse me for analyzing your date like this – these were just things that I couldn’t help noticing. And if you feel good and secure in your boundaries, that is really all that counts.

    Yay for excitement to experiment! Fishing sounds like fun!

  103.  #103Millie on June 3, 2014 at 1:01 am


    Thank you for your input. I feel all your points are very valid looking at the big picture! I’m definitely curious to observe his patterns going forward.

    I agree the phone call shows disconnect, and to be honest that is the behavior that was most alarming to me. When I discussed it with him, he made a gesture like hitting his head that he had forgotten. So, we’ll see if that behavior continues.

    Changing the date–he works three jobs and found out he was scheduled Sat night. But I agree, Sat night is prime date night…and going forward it is worth paying attention to.

    The dancing thing..After dinner, he offered to take me somewhere else, but I didn’t want to stay out late or drink anymore. So, we drove around and then he took me home. So, it wasn’t like “hey…lets go to your place, wink, wink.” It was very natural unfolding, and he stayed for less than an hour. I totally understand your points and am very appreciative of your insights and pink flag warnings.

    I like him, but I feel open to receiving from other men right now, so I feel I’m in a good place. 🙂

  104.  #104Indigo on June 3, 2014 at 1:40 am

    Yay Millie 🙂 go girl

  105.  #105Femininewoman on June 13, 2014 at 6:14 am

    Sunday night is also prime time. Particularly considering that many games are played on Sundays, plus the next day is work. When a man reserves a Sunday for you I believe it is a good sign.

    I am not dismissing the point about change days, yet realistically life happens and sometimes things shift so being flexible is good. It also gives the message that you are not set in your ways. The red/pink flag is how regularly these changes happen as you spend more and more time together.