Get The Love You Want Instead Of Solving Problems – The FLIP

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If your mind, your heart, and your energy are filled to the brim with “problems” to solve, you are so not alone…

…not only am I working with my own instincts around problem-solving, I’ve received beautiful lists of “problems from lovely women like you (please send more – this is not only incredibly helpful for us all – it’s FUN – it’s like a game).

And it feels so good to get your list off your head and heart and energy and onto paper, where you can start to take ACTION around some of your “problems.”

First, let’s make this post about NOTICING what’s on your list and looking at it in different ways. Then we’ll move on to action steps, and basically turning the whole concept of “problem to solve” into a more fluid, easy, feminine way to go about experiencing, enjoying, and improving your life on a moment-by-moment basis.

Some “problems” seem to require only easy, quick fixes that we can do in five minutes or less (clean off the kitchen table, load the dishwasher, put on makeup, get up earlier so we’re less rushed, make a healthy snack instead of a picking up a ready-made poisonous one, and on and on…)

And some “problems” require huge, momentous, life-altering CHANGE (fixing anything about your man – his health, drinking, appearance, sexual abilities, kindness, generosity, romantic and affectionate nature, work, stress…. and fixing anything you believe you need to fix about yourself (we women can come up with long, long lists of those…).

There’s a very old prayer, the “Serenity Prayer” that goes: “God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
So – basically – this is what we’re all about here – knowing the difference between what we can and can’t change.

And almost all of us here on Earth have it wrong.

We’re all going about trying desperately to change things we can’t – thinking about it, worrying about it, figuring things out about it. We work so hard trying to figure out every angle of how to make these things change, how to make these things happen, that we completely have no energy left over to change the things we CAN change.

And the weird and amazing thing is – if we put our energy into changing what we CAN change – even the teeny-weeny tiny things that seem useless and small at the time – often, the BIG things will change all by themselves.

We’ve seen that in action. If you stop eating processed sugar in your cereal every morning, it seems like a small thing. It’s a pain, because you have to alter your schedule, you have to buy a different brand, you have to change your habit, you get grumpy – and it seems like way too small a thing to make even a tiny dent in the 30 pounds you want to lose, or the fatigue you feel, or the mood swings you’re experiencing.

And yet, if you just stop eating sugar in your cereal every morning – you will lose weight, you will have more energy in the morning, and you’ll feel better.

Then, after a week of that positive experience, you try eating a piece of fruit instead of pudding for dessert, or try sparking water when you’re out with friends or on a date instead of wine, beer, or a “Cosmopolitan,” or give up anything with chemicals in it (including artificial sweeteners), and – wow – you have the same experience. It’s not overnight, but after a bit, you notice you’ve lost weight, you have more energy, and you feel better.

It’s the same with love.

We can get so focused on the big things of what’s wrong with our man, our relationship, our family, our work, the whole of our lives – and that can feel so overwhelming – that we ignore the small things we CAN change – now.

And on the other side of the coin – there are BIG things out there in the world, and in our relationships, in our finances, in our work, in our PLEASURE, that we CAN change – but we don’t believe in ourselves or our power enough to think we CAN.

So if success is all about telling the difference between what you can change and what you can’t change, let’s work on that.

Here are two wonderful lists from Daria and Reshi:

This is Daria’s

How I can make my mom be happy and not depressed
How I can make my God-sister get healthy and not die
How I can help my God-sister want to find a job or some kind of fulfilling life purpose
How I can help my God-brother find a job
How I can help my God-brother be a good man and father
How I can help my God-brother and sister get back together
How I can feel closer to my God-sister
Whether it’s ok for me to give money to people
How I can get a guy I dated to be a good person
How I can get a guy I dated and was friends with to heal himself, and better his life
Worrying my dad’s health will deteriorate because he stresses too much, works too much, and has done the Atkins diet for too long
Worrying my mom’s physical health will decline because she had a hysterectomy and isn’t totally self conscious
How I can make my butt get bigger and my stomach smaller
Feeling guilty about dating guys I don’t find sexually attractive
Worrying that I won’t find a guy to actually come pick me up instead of wanting me to drive
Worrying that if I start making lots of new friends I’ll be abandoning my old friends
Feeling like if I don’t pay attention, care for, and love them some of my friends can die from violence
Worrying that my dad and I will never see eye to eye
Feeling incompetent because I have information to help other people but don’t deliver it in a effective way
Feeling guilty that I’m tutoring for a higher income market instead of disadvantaged students
Feeling like by the time I get powerful enough to really help people it will be too late
Feeling sad because some people died
Feeling confused over whether the eye-for-an-eye or the turn-the-other-cheek philosophy is best
Feeling discouraged because I might not get to be an actress, performer, super successful investor, dancer, writer, and everything I’d like to be
Feeling worried that if I move to Brazil I’d be abandoning my friends
Feeling worried that people in my home country are becoming more superficial and sad
Feeling angry at how the world is run
Feeling powerless to help it be run the way I want
Worried that if it was run the way I wanted it would all turn bad because it’s too idealistic
Feeling scared because I’m 26 and I’m not seriously considering marriage
Feeling worried because I am getting wrinkles under my eyes
Feeling worried because I might have a health issue with my kidneys
Feeling worried that my toes won’t go back all the way to the way they were before I started wearing pointed shoes
Feeling annoyed that I don’t have the confidence to write/sing the way I do in my imagination
Feeling frustrated that I won’t get energy therapy to work
Feeling discouraged that I haven’t made lots of wonderful paintings like in my imagination
Feeling like I am never really going to feel like writing stories or a book
Feeling worried my stories and poems are not good
Feeling worried that I will start to crave sex again and feel lonely and lose my power
Feel annoyed that I don’t have orgasms easily like some people
Feeling worried that I will hurt certain guys’ feelings if I tell them how I feel
Feeling frustrated that people from my home country and people I admire over here don’t always share the same views
Feeling worried that I won’t find any guy to really understand me
Feeling guilty that if I start seriously dating a guy with a kid I am hurting his kid
Feeling SOO frustrated hearing my parents fight and knowing I have communication tools available to help but not the tools or confidence to get them to apply them

This is Reshi’s

Marriage problems between my husband and me in general
Being afraid he’ll never tell me he loves me again
Being afraid he’ll never want to share a bed again
Being afraid he’ll never want to have sex again
Being afraid I won’t make enough money
Worrying that his health will decline because he doesn’t exercise or take care of himself
Being afraid that if I express anything to him, he will get angry at me and love me less
Worrying that he’s not attracted to me and is more interested in other women
Worrying that he’s going to turn out to be a feminine man and I’ll have to leave him
Worrying that I’ll have to move out of the house or do something equally drastic in order for him to realize he loves me — and planning ahead for that moment
Worrying that I’ll get fat
Trying to figure out how I’m going to update my wardrobe with what little money I make
Trying to figure out how I’m going to tackle the financial problems we have
Wondering how I’ll ever be able to go back to school and prepare for a better career
Worrying about the constant aches and pains in my body
Worrying about whether I’ll ever find love again if I have to get divorced, or if I’m going to be considered “damaged goods”
Worrying about the fact that my hair is falling out
Wondering whether I should start dating other men, or whether it’s OK to start dating other men, or whether I even WANT to start dating other men
Wondering if I have a place to go if I have to get divorced

Now let’s do this:

1. Pull out your own list of “problems” (I will too.)

2. Take a look at these two lists here, and let’s get a general idea of the theme behind each.  If you look carefully, and then just sink out of your head and into your body, you’ll be able to “feel” the themes.

At first, they’ll both seem the same – there’s worrying, a sense of overwhelm, and so many difficult, huge “problems” that clearly need solutions. Big issues, like health, financial stability, meaningful work, love and sex.

But if you really get in touch with them, you’ll see that Daria’s list is screaming out at us that “I’m not enough. I’ll never be enough, no matter what I do. I am powerless. All I can do is be nice and good, and feel guilt and do more good works, because I am at the mercy of others.”

And Reshi’s is screaming “I’m very powerful – I can leave, I can hurt, I can be successful, but I’m too afraid to be who I am. Something bad will happen if I fully express myself and my power.”

And here’s the amazing, amazing thing….even though they’re feeling very differently, even though a therapist might work on different issues with them – the basic thing we’re working with here is the SAME…both Daria and Reshi’s mind, heart and energy are being sucked up by this list of “problems” – almost all of which are NOT controllable by Daria and Reshi. NOT things they can change as a whole, that they can swivel, and manipulate into being “okay” or “right.”

But it’s hard to see that, and accept that, because WITHIN these huge issues (and almost all of us have these same huge issues in our own lives and on our own lists), there are small, tiny things – itty-bitty ACTIONS we CAN take. And these itty-bitty actions can actually cause change to happen in the direction we want things to go.

HOWEVER – because we don’t EVER, EVER have control over the RESULTS of so many of the actions we take (we can do our total best audition for a choir and still not get in, we can clean the dishes in the sink this time, but we can’t guarantee the sink won’t get piled up ever again, we can love a man brilliantly and still not be able to make him love us back if he doesn’t “feel it” all by himself…), because we feel so powerless in so many ways…we’re afraid to even start.

We think – “Well, I could stop eating sugar in my cereal, I could look into new jobs and start volunteering in a field I might be interested in, I could flirt with other men before I think about whether or not I could date other men, I could do small “walk-aways” in my relationship before I worry about leaving him….and yet,” we think, ” That won’t help.”

We become overwhelmed by the huge “problem” and drained by the energy it takes to even think about solving it – that we opt out of doing the small steps that are easy and right in front of us.

And why?

Because change – even the change we WANT – is scary.

It’s scary because, at bottom, we are where we are because we’re comfortable where we are. And huge change – no matter how fantastic it sounds – is terrifying to our systems.

So – what we want to do here is find a baby-step way that our systems can tolerate and that we can ENJOY that will lead us to these major changes we say we want, so that we will no longer have to WORRY and THINK about them. So..

Do this:

1.Look at your list, and see if you can find a “theme” – like the ones we found in Daria and Reshi’s lists.

2. Now – write down the change, the result you want to happen for each item. This is the FLIP.

For example, in Daria’s list, turn all the entries about her God-sister into “I want my God-sister to be happy and healthy and safe.”

Turn “Feeling guilty about dating guys I don’t find sexually attractive” into I want to enjoy dating every an I go out with,” and “I want to date men I’m sexually attracted to.”

In Reshi’s list, you might turn “Being afraid that if I express anything to him, he will get angry at me and love me less” into I want to feel like expressing myself gets more love from him, even if he responds with anger.”

Go ahead and FLIP each of your “problems” into things you want.

Please comment with some of your “Flips” so we can move on to some more steps. Love, Rori

41 Comments

  1.  #1Daria on September 26, 2008 at 10:51 pm

    Ok everyone, Rori is right. This is really FUN! All you have to do is just start writing! Man, I can’t believe I actually ran out of things to momentarily worry about!

    Well I found some new ones today, hehe, will be adding the flipped versions to the bottom of my list.

    Ok here is my long list again! – FLIP

    I want my mom to be happy and healthy
    I want my God-sister to be happy and healthy and safe
    I want my God-brother to be strong and brave and safe and fulfilled
    I want my God-sister and Brother to be close to me
    I want to feel empowered and effective
    I want to inspire friends and people I come in contact with to be their best selves
    I want my Dad to be healthy and happy
    I want to admire my Dad
    I want to feel love and pride for my body
    I want to enjoy every man I go out with! Hehe oops I mean and enjoy dating them too
    I want to date men I’m sexually attracted to
    I want to have lots of wonderful new and old friends
    I want my friends to be safe and happy
    I want to feel supported by my dad
    I want to easily communicate and influence people
    I want to be successful and dignified, generous, and effective
    I want to feel that if I decide to help someone with something, it’s effortlessly as good as done!
    I want the world to be full of love as well as justice
    I want to feel dignified, secure and happy to promote love
    I want to achieve all my dreams small and big and new ones I haven’t even had yet!
    I want to feel all the way proud of my background
    I want my home-people to be healthy, safe, happy, strong and fulfilled
    I want people that have shown me love here to be healthy happy strong and fulfilled
    I want my toes to be strong and beautiful
    I want joy and love and power for all people and beings
    I want to have a great and healthy love life
    I want to love and feel confident and proud of my face
    I want to be healthy and lithe and strong and super coordinated
    I want to sing what I feel and feel proud and refreshed
    I want to easily and fearlessly let words flow from my mind in rhyme
    I want to paint and show the images in my mind and feelings in my heart
    I want to be a genius energy therapist
    I want to write with fun and joy and feel safe about and proud of it
    I want to feel like sex is amazing for me
    I want to feel safe, healthy and good about sex
    I want to have orgasms whenever I want to and feel proud of it
    I want to inspire tolerance, understanding, and curiosity in all people
    I want to feel good about dating the men I date
    I want to feel honorable and have integrity
    I want my parents to have a wonderful, satisfying relationship
    I want to feel secure attracting men and keeping them attracted
    I want to feel free of guilt in my love life
    I want to be enough
    I want to feel powerful
    I want to accept and use all of myself

    Yay – Thanks Rori about the “theme” of my list. Well I would definitely say that my theme is that I’m outside oriented (towards other people) and feeling powerless (I don’t even know I would have noticed that part, although it’s so obvious). It makes me feel so good to hear you describe me in that way. I feel really acknowledged.

    Thank you. I can’t wait to see what’s next. I feel like my life is about to be healed. Ok I feel kinda scared about that one… let’s see whats next! =)



  2.  #2Daria on September 26, 2008 at 11:21 pm

    ok so I know this is Rori’s blog and I really feel like sharing, It’s about using Rori’s tools so here goes:

    I went out with a new guy today, tried to use all the tools and spoke only from my feelings, otherwise let there be silence and uncomfortableness.

    First I used the dance position and the parted lips face – now I know what Rori means about free therapy – let me tell you, I had to walk into a crowded bus station. It felt like EVERYONE was staring at me in awe, I felt SO attractive and yet so uncomfortable. I was having a very difficult time keeping my chin up, and eyes level, as soon as I dropped them everyone’s attention went away.
    I realize I had a very hard time looking men in the eye for over 3 seconds, I was afraid they would try to approach me and say rude things or touch me! I was afraid to look women in the eye, I was afraid they would say mean things to me or attack me! WHOA!

    Well needless to say the guy was mesmerized, it was awesome because he was so handsome and I felt really nervous the whole time. I totally breathed through it and leaned back, kept expressing my nervousness, engaging the surroundings.

    Well when I left I felt relief from not feeling nervous (I do feel a little confused here if that is good or bad as it relates to him). I’d like to feel “feminine” but less tense and free to talk about what I think as well as feel (he did a few times comment that I wasn’t saying much, but I didn’t want to take the lead).

    I realize that usually with guys in the past I show off my smarts and also tease them a lot. This was very different, I felt so mysterious and attractive, yet it felt so scary. Rori does it ever stop feeling scary?

    He called me soon after I left. I can tell he is really attracted to me. I started feeling insecure afterwards however, because I after rejoicing over my triumph, I fell back into analyzing it a lot. I started to feel insecure that maybe he was pushing for sex to soon (he brought it up, etc etc). Actually I like it when men bring up sex because it turns me on, but it seems I feel insecure now and a little confused.

    Still feeling so proud of myself for being in my feelings… I wish you guys could have seen this…



  3.  #3Rori Raye on September 27, 2008 at 4:35 pm

    Oh my goodness – Daria – you are a ROCKET! You are a total model for “doing the work.” And thank you so much for writing to tell us how FUN it is (and scary, too, yes…)

    The scariness fades down. You keep expanding, keep growing, so you’re always a bit out of your comfort zone and always a bit triggered and scared, but you KNOW what that feeling is now, you get used to it – and so it sort of turns to Excitement! That’s how you know you’re growing, you’re feeling stronger inside (because, scared or not – you’re still doing the Tools!)

    It’s totally natural, after something goes great and you take a chance and go outside your comfort zone – for you to “Bounce” back to where you were before, or often even “lower” – I explain all this and give you some Tools for it in my Reconnect Your Relationship program – after awhile, you’ll just get used to it and the Bounces will even out.

    That’s why Circular Dating works so great as Free Therapy – it forces you to keep doing this over and over again – so you stop thinking it’s just a “fluke,” and you get comfortable with some new ways of being and talking with a man, and discover new areas to keep working in. All guided by what feels GOOD, and also what feels a bit “scary.”

    Also – if you find you’re not talking much – the Tool for this is “Passion Stories.” It’s in Reconnect…I’ll write some post about what it is and how to do it. Love, Rori



  4.  #4Daria on September 27, 2008 at 6:13 pm

    thank you Rori!

    I wanted to add that this was not necessarily an “easy” man to work with…I met him online and this was our first meeting… I have a car and he doesn’t and had to take public transportation to come to a spot reasonably close to – moi…

    also when he first met me he called me to make sure it was me and identified himself as “the guy in the white shirt walking away” (away from the bus station and also from ME). Well…

    This is where I took a chance and was really brave…

    I did NOT get up to follow him, say Anything. I continued to sit on the bench, and when he didn’t come to me right away, leaned back, fussed with my purse, put up my hair… by this time he decided to come back… and then tried his best to be quite a gentleman the whole time… I mean he made a real effort!

    Yay! Now he’s been calling me everyday… (and he apologized btw “that he didn’t mean to offend me with his forward questions”).

    Theres like 4 other guys calling me too … lol… I just got back from vacation last week! I guess I don’t give myself enough credit sometimes. Do you think its detrimental (to me) that I sometimes feel happy that I “got them?” It kind of feels like gloating, and it feels exciting… but kinda seems desperate…

    I encourage everyone reading Rori’s blog to post whatever strikes them – I feel curious to hear what other people are having adventures and challenges with. It’s interesting and way helpful…and plus Rori almost always answers!

    I can’t wait to see what we do with our lists now!



  5.  #5Reshi on September 28, 2008 at 3:17 pm

    Wow Rori, just writing down the flipped list made me feel so much more powerful! Here it is:

    I want to be happily married.
    I want to know that my husband loves me.
    I want to know that my husband sleeps in my bed because he WANTS to.
    I want to know that my husband desires me and loves having sex with me.
    I want to feel confident that I can support myself.
    I want to feel that I can inspire my man to take better care of himself.
    I want to feel like expressing myself will get me MORE love–even if he does respond with anger.
    I want to be with a man who only has eyes for me.
    I want to be with a masculine man who cherishes me for being a girl.
    I want to have faith that my man will step up and start loving me on his own.
    I want to have a beautiful body.
    I want to have beautiful clothes.
    I want to be financially secure.
    I want to go back to school and prepare for a more lucrative career.
    I want to be vibrant and healthy.
    I want to be confident that I’ll always be loved.
    I want to have healthy, beautiful, abundant hair.
    I want to be free to follow my heart where men are concerned–and in life.
    I want to feel like I can make it, no matter what happens with this particular man.



  6.  #6Stacey on September 30, 2008 at 7:56 pm

    my flips:

    -I want to enjoy the work I do and be involved in loving, thriving, respectful environments and be challenged by the work I LOVE.
    -I want to be financially free and prosperous.
    -I want to date A LOt of guys that I am really attracted to on a multitude of different levels (spiritually, emotionally, humor, sexually). I want to be a MODERN SIREN and have men come crashing on my shores and I will enjoy them all to I PICK the best man for me because HE WINS me over with his love and king-like qualities and he ASKS ME TO BE HIS QUEEN!
    -I want my book and my creative projects to be a big success and to be guided by spirit each step of the way.
    -I want my projects to be beneficial to my fellow peoples.
    -I want to PAMPER myself with massages and good food and fun outings and gifts for other people!
    -I want close friends and good relations with people and good business relations and a wonderful romantic relationship (see QUEEN reference above!!)
    -I want space for all parties in my relationships. Sincere and Mutual interest.
    -I want to live to be a healthy, happy 120 years!
    -I want to accept who I am in the moment and others too. And be accepted.
    -I want the world to be peaceful and abundant like it was meant to be.



  7.  #7Bethany on October 7, 2008 at 10:22 am

    Well, I think I was making this too hard before, but now that I’m turning my fears into wants, this is kind of fun…

    1. I want to finish school on time!
    2. I want to get a job that is fun and meaningful for me.
    3. I want to feel justified and comfortable expressing my feelings to him and I want him to love me more for it no matter what those feelings are.
    4. I want to feel confident that he won’t ever find anyone as great as me.
    5. I want to feel fine with him calling or not calling.
    6. I want to feel okay with whatever happens.
    7. I want to feel unthreatened by any other woman.
    8. I want to feel okay about following my sexual feelings and I want to feel that he values me.
    9. I want to feel okay with how I spend my time.
    10. I want to feel worthy of him.
    11. I want to feel like I have other options to protect myself.
    12. I want to feel confident that I won’t end up alone.
    13. I want to feel confident that long-distance relationships can work.
    14. I want to feel that I can make a career change if I choose.
    15. I want to feel that my family is proud of me.
    16. I want to feel that my physical health is a priority.
    17. I want to not care what other people think!
    18. I want to feel capable of handling anything financially.
    19. I want to feel secure and NOT needy!



  8.  #8Rori Raye on October 7, 2008 at 1:31 pm

    Bethany, Reshi and Daria – this is fantastic – and I’m so happy it was fun – and it gave me an idea – I’m going to jump off of your lists and post a new step – go here

    ***If you’re new to this series – make sure you keep reading everyone’s comments and working through ALL the other posts and steps FIRST, in order – before you try this next one…Step-By-Step, remember….

    Love, Rori



  9.  #9Marplot on October 9, 2008 at 10:53 am

    theme
    I’m not enough. I’ll never be enough, no matter what I do. I am powerless. All I can do is be nice and good, and feel guilt and do more good works, because I am at the mercy of others.

    1. I want to confident in my intelligence
    2. I want to start acting more formal and start taking care of my body mroe
    3. I want to become more fit and healthy
    4. I want to do well in school
    5. I want to love my future job
    6. I want to be a great girlfriend
    7. I want to spend more time with my pets
    8. I watn to become more social
    9. I want to do research and join more clubs
    10. I ended my relationship with my crush now I’m free!
    11. I want to have more female friends
    12. I want to feel more confortable about my speeching abilities
    13. I want to check facebook
    14 I want ot have more fun
    15. I want to be a positive exciting person
    16. I want to get an internship so I can make sure that major that I choose will give me the career that I want
    17. I want to be free from having a judgmental additute
    18. I want to fun and respectful of others when I’m teasing and being playful
    19. I want to be free from depended relationships
    20. I want to apply to more scholarships
    21. I want to be more responsible at school
    22. I want to have sex after I get married so that I lessen the chances of ending up in dependent relationships where I want more
    23. I want to feel attrative and sexy
    24. I feel like I’m making improvements
    25. I want to know how to know and protect my boundaries
    26. I want to do my best to loose weight
    27. I want to be calm and assertive
    28. I want to not have any exspectations from myself and others
    29. I want to be a good listener
    30. I want to call my mom more often
    31. I want confidence that I can do a good job
    32. I want to feel wanted by my crush
    33. I want to feel powerful enough to leave a bad relationship



  10.  #10Rori Raye on October 9, 2008 at 1:30 pm

    Marplot – this is fabulous. Now – I want you to look at how easy it is to look at your list and then feel GUILTY for not “doing” things for others, or even for yourself – if they’re “have-tos” and not “Pleasures.” We don’t feel guilty for NOT doing Pleasures for ourselves (often we feel guilty if we DO) – but we DO feel guilty if we “neglect” doing the have-tos.

    Write some more that are very specific about feeling pleasure, and see what happens.

    Love, Rori



  11.  #11Andrea on October 14, 2008 at 2:11 pm

    Here’s my FLIP:

    1. I want to think positively so my self esteem will soar
    2. I want to have faith/confidence that everything will be fine without me having to do anything
    3. I want to instinctively understand without wasting my time and money figuring it out, this also is in line with #2
    4. I want to know that the power to do the right thing is within me and that I know what to do without having to research or spend money
    5. I want to have confidence that everything will turn out perfectly and I will be happy with the outcome. I want to stop feeling I need him.
    6. I want the headaches to stop so I can do the things I need to do
    7. I want the stress to go away so I don’t feel nauseous
    8. I want to an infinite source of money so I can pay off my debt and have the ability to do what I want
    9. I want to not have to worry about paying rent and a mortgage
    10. I don’t want to have to worry about covering my mortgage each month while someone else lives in my home
    11. I want my landlord/roommate to treat me like I’m more than her meal ticket for her home
    12. I want my tenants to stop pressuring me for things in way that is game playing.
    13. I want the man that I though I was going to marry desperately want me as I have wanted him and I want to have the confidence to know that I’m a goddess.
    14. I want to have things to do/a purpose and friends to do them with. I want a purpose instead of isolating myself in my room.
    15. I want to be happy with myself and hangout with people that are in the same place.
    16. I want to have close and dear friends and feel that I have all the support I need.
    17. I want my parents to be around forever because I know they love me. They love me with all my faults. I want someone to love me with all my faults
    18. I want to be confident knowing that I can do my job and do it well
    19. I want to know that I have a job.
    20. I want to be wealthy so that I can do those things that will boost my confidence
    21. I want to be happy and be able to believe that I can be happy even during the tough times
    22. I want to have the freedom to take a day of rest should I need to.
    23. I want to believe that I can trust myself to recognize a bad situation and have the love and confidence in myself t get out.
    24. I want to have the self esteem, confidence, and knowledge to know the what I should do in every situation I face
    25. I want to have the courage and self respect to leave if the situation I am in is not to my benefit.
    26. I want the love and support of family and friends.
    27. I want to be happy so that I can accomplish all that I set out to do.
    28. I want to have the strength, discipline and motivation to eat well, exercise and anything else that would benefit me.
    29. I want to have the discipline, motivation, and happiness to things that requires my time and attention and things that would benefit me.
    30. I want to be happy with me and where I am at no matter what I am doing even if I don’t have anything to do.
    31. I want to be free of my torturous mind, thoughts and feelings.
    32. I want to be independent and free to be me and do what I can for me.
    33. I want to be able to be positive and up beat without the help of others.
    34. I want to be free and to love myself and not worry about someone I can’t control or change.
    35. I want to feel powerful that I have control over me and my happiness and I can handle anything that comes my way and not worry about the things I can’t control.
    36. I want to have the discipline, devotion, motivation and happiness to do those things that take hard work.
    37. I want to be able to see people as they are and not as I want them to be.
    38. I want to attract all the things I want to have and I want God to provide them. I want God to provide the strength and love for myself and others in order to have them.
    39. I want to be happy.
    40. I want to heal myself quickly without needing to spend money.
    41. I want to receive unconditional love everywhere I go and have friends and family that love me and I can count on.
    42. I want to be welcoming and warm. I want to release jealously. I want to take down all the walls and trust that I can protect myself without putting up a wall.
    43. I want to be released of depression and bad feelings so that I can live my life to the best of my ability otherwise I’m scared that bad things will happen if I’m not released.
    44. I want a moral and respectable guy who looks outside himself and see the beauty within the inside of the woman he loves and cherishes her and her feelings
    45. I want to be free of the gremlins in my mind.



  12.  #12Rori Raye on October 14, 2008 at 5:21 pm

    Andrea, This is great

    We are going to find out who you are, what you like, and how to get what you want by feeling your way through it instead of thinking your way through it.

    About your lists – the worries – can you see the theme? It’s like you’re in a little box you can’t leave. You are trapped. You are small. It’s dark and full of torment. Sound close?

    Please redo your WANT list. A lot of these are things you don’t want, or want to prevent something bad from happening, or want to get rid of something. Turn these to things you actually DO WANT that would feel good, like this:

    Instead of “I want a lot of money so I don’t have to worry…” try “I want a lot of money so I can have everything I want, whenever I want it! I want THIS, I want THAT!” Just like a kid. See if you can rework it to be outrageous and wonderful and some everyday ones, too.

    There are more steps in these posts. After the List and the Flip comes the Morph and the Riff, and then Channeling – so go to it! Love, Rori



  13.  #13Andrea on October 16, 2008 at 3:43 pm

    1. I want to think positively so my self esteem will soar
    2. I want to have faith/confidence that everything will be fine without me having to do anything
    3. I want to instinctively understand everything
    4. I want to be full of confidence and self esteem. I want to trust myself
    5.I want to be able to attract whatever I want whenever I want.
    6. See # 7
    7. I want to be happy and healthy
    8. I want to an infinite source of money so I can pay off my debt and have the ability to do what I want
    9. Same as #8
    10. same as #9
    11. I want my landlord/roommate to relax.
    12. I want my tenants to be happy.
    13. I want Jim to desperately want me as I have wanted him and I want to have the confidence to know that I’m a goddess.
    14. I want to have things to do/a purpose and friends to do them with. I want a purpose.
    15. I want to be happy with myself and hangout with people that are in the same place.
    16. I want to have lots of close and dear friends and feel that I have all the support I need.
    17. I want someone to love me unconditionally with all my faults
    18. I want to be confident knowing that I can do my job and do it well
    19. I want to be secure in all aspects of my life.
    20. I want to be wealthy, I want a limitless amount of money to do whatever I want or need to do.
    21. I want to be happy and believe that I can be happy at any time.
    22. I want to have the freedom to take a day of rest or do anything I want to do.
    23. I want to trust myself.
    24. I want to have the self esteem, confidence, and knowledge to know the what I should do in every situation I face
    25. I want to have the courage, self respect and trust in myself to face any situation.
    26. I want the love and support of family and friends.
    27. I want to be happy so that I can accomplish all that I set out to do.
    28. I want to have the strength, discipline and motivation to eat well, exercise and anything else that would benefit me. I want to be healthy.
    29. I want to have and attract the discipline, motivation, and happiness to antyhing that would benefit me.
    30. I want to be completely fulfill and happy all the time.
    31. I want to attract all the things that are important to me including healing, love, support, friends, family, money
    32. I want to be independent and free to be me and do what I can for me.
    33. I want positive energy to flow through me.
    34. I want to be free and to love myself abundantly.
    35. I want to feel powerful and strong. I want to be able to handle anything that comes my way.
    36. I want to have the discipline, devotion, motivation and happiness to do those things that take hard work.
    37. I want to see people as they are and not as I want them to be.
    38. I want to attract all the things I want to have and I want God to provide them. I want God to provide the strength and love for myself and others in order to have them.
    39. I want to be happy.
    40. I want healing energy to quickly flow through my body whenever I need it.
    41. I want to receive unconditional love everywhere I go and have friends and family that love me and I can count on.
    42. I want to be receptive, warm, and feel love.
    43. I want to be happy, free and optimistic. I want to make all my goals and dreams come true.
    44. I want an abundant pool of incredible, moral and respectable guys who look outside themselves and see the beauty within the inside of the woman they love and cherishes her and her feelings
    45. I want to be free.



  14.  #14Andrea on October 16, 2008 at 3:44 pm

    The last list is my flip redo! I forgot to mention that!



  15.  #15Rori Raye on October 16, 2008 at 8:06 pm

    Andrea – YES! this is terrific. Now move on to how it FEELs to imagine that you HAVE each of these things – really go into the feeling, and into the physical, body sensations, “Riff” on it – go very slow, and each tiny detail. There’s enough material here to take you months. Just pick one and do it, and then pick another – do it all day long! Go girl! Rori



  16.  #16ann on October 18, 2008 at 3:18 pm

    I think my common theme is not being good enough and not having confidence in myself to take care of me. I’m not sure if I’m doing this flip right but here’s my attempt at it.

    Feeling like roommates with my husband, and not knowing if I really want to change that.

    I want to work with myself so I’ll know if I want to be here

    Not knowing if I really have a desire for him anymore.

    i want to know the answer within myself

    Feeling like my family is falling apart.
    I have no control over what my famly membes do, I want to learn to take care of me

    Not having any training for a job if my family falls apart.

    I will do my best

    Not feeling really connected with anyone.

    I want to feel more connected to others.

    worrying about my families health.

    I can take care of mysef

    worrying as I make changes can I keep them or will I revert back to old
    ways..

    I want to continue to grow & take care of me.

    worrying my friends might leave.

    I have no control over others,

    feeling like I’ll never be able to communicate effectively, people won’t understand they’ll just think I’m being men & a bitch.

    Again I have no control of what others think, I want to be the best me I can be.

    feeling like this is so far back in this blog that no-one will see it.

    I believe others have checked the notify me button and will give me feedback if they have any.

    feeling angry because there is so much ME, ME, ME, in this world, it’s like people don’t care about others.

    This is outside my control.

    feeling confused on the flip side, because I need to be more concern about me first.

    I want to take better care of me.

    hell will I ever be happy or will I just exist?

    I want to be happy

    fearing old age I’m almost to that big 50.

    I want to enjoy my life day to day

    feeling like I’ll never get my self esteem & confidence up to a good level for me.

    I want to keeping learning & practicing.

    should add fear my computer won’t let me post & participate in this healing journey or I’ll lose my computer becauseI can’t pay for it.

    Something else out of my control.

    Think because of childhood traumas I have control issues. I need to feel safe.



  17.  #17Annie on October 18, 2008 at 6:32 pm

    Hi Ann,
    I just started on this blog too. I was sexually abused. I just turned 53. You are not alone. Feel safe. Love, Annie

    annieinthemoment.blogspot.com



  18.  #18Cassandra on October 28, 2008 at 9:05 am

    Rori,
    I think that the theme of my original list is that similar to both Daria and Reshi’s lists (that I REALLY was touched by and connected with both of them by the way) that I am not good enough and will never be good enough. That I do indeed feel powerless and that no one cares. I also found an overwhelming sense of not having control over anything in my life emotionally and that I just felt totally at the mercy of things happening around me or at the actions of the people that I love.

    Here is my list of the FLIPS:
    -I want to be truly happy with me and accept and love myself completely
    -I want to love myself unconditionally and completely even in my changing and growing and ENJOY those changes.
    -I want to get to the point that I LOVE MY EMOTIONS no matter what anyone else says about them or about me!
    -I want to be free to show and really feel all my emotions…even if they are not the good ones and be accepted and loved for me…for who I am.
    -I want to be able to allow mself to feel whatever it is that I feel at every given moment and feel good that I feel what it is that I am feeling….and appreciate it no matter what anyone else says or thinks about me/ it!
    -I want to be married to a wonderful man and have a baby/ family of my own
    -I want to not feel guilty that I want to be married and have a baby of my own. – to KNOW that I want these things, that that is OK and KNOW that I deserve these things!
    (I am really starting to feel so excited right now, I can even feel my heart beating faster inside my chest and I feel lighter overall!! YAY!!! Have not felt this way for a REALLY long time RORI!! 🙂 )
    -I want to really know and believe that I am NOT too old to have a healthy baby
    -I want to REALLY know in my heart that if my engagement does end that I will be ok and that someone will want me and cherish me.
    -I want to be able to talk to my fiance’ freely about what I want, need and feel and feel safe in doing so (not sure this is possible though now that I know that he is indeed TOXIC)
    -I want to freely feel all of my emotions and not be afraid to let ANYONE take that from me and put in into fear about them – I want to OWN them and feel good about it!!!
    -I want to feel safe in telling my fiance’ what I need, want and feel without feeling guilt or shame about it.
    -I want to feel that my feelings, needs and wants matter to him and I want him to want to take care of me
    -I want to feeel that I am the one making the choice to stay or go ….to feel that he is not calling MY shots
    -I want to feel safe emotionally with my fiance’ – I don’t want to have to feel as though I have to leave him. (again – not sure this is possible now that we know he is officially TOXIC)
    -I want to feel that time is on MY side and not working against me!
    -I want to just KNOW that even though I got laid off, things WILL be ok in every way
    -I want to find a way to do what I love and am called to do and get paid for it again
    -I want to have the power over my career path and that I do NOT have to go back to doing what I was before getting laid off.
    -I do not want to be forced into another career path that is not truly what I am called to do.
    -I want to enjoy each moment whether it be with someone or by myself and not be afriad to be alone
    -I want to enjoy BEING ME…..to enjoy ME.
    -I want to feel good about myself again
    -I want to feel in control oover what I am eating again
    I want to make good food choices again and not be controlled by food/ emotions
    -I want to feel so pretty that it does not matter to me what others think of me
    -I want to know that mo matter what happens with my ‘engagement’ that I will be ok and happy
    -I want to know where I stand in this relationship if it is even an engagement
    -I want to stop the cycle of emotionally abusive relationships in my life
    -If my engagement does indeed end – I want to be open enough to allow the right man into my life and my heart
    -I want to learn to RECEIVE love and learn how to be a POND!
    -I want to learn how to lean back and KNOW that I deserve to be pursued and given to and adored and cherished
    -I want to be ableto safely ask for what I want and need without shame or guilt
    -I want to feel that I deserve what I want and feel good about those desires…to feel excitement about them rather than guilt or shame
    -I want to be ME and enjoy being me and not even think about what anyone else thinks of me
    -I want to feel good whether I am alone or with somone- I don’t want to be afriad to be alone anymore
    -I want to learn how to allow myself to REALLY know that people do care about me – to know that I am worth caring about
    -I want to feel that I do matter and that I am able to be a blessing to people
    -I want to be free from true depression but still able to feel all of my feelings and appreciate them maybe even love them
    -I want to know that I will be better than the person that I was before my fiance came into my life
    -I want to do the things that I love again and enjoy them without anxiety or fear
    -I want to sing and dance again and love it
    -I want to feel that I AM worhty of a GREAT marriage/ relationship
    -I want to KNOW that the right man WILL want to marry me and can’t wait to do it
    -I want to know that the right man for me will be attractive to me in every way that is most important to me
    -I want to feel that I really can be what I am supposed to be – that it is not just a pipedream
    -I want to stop running from what I am called to do on the level that I am called to do it – I want to embrace it and enjoy it – I want to give in to it and not run anymore
    -I WANT TO LET GO……..
    -I want to learn how to discern the real men from the game players and not get into another dead end relationship
    -I want to REALLY and TRULY be able to let go of feeling angry that I was not protected as a child emotionally
    -I want to truly let go of feeling angry that I feel angry at my mother – I want that out of my heart for good
    -I want ao great relationship with my Mom and for her to be healthy
    -I want to let go of the anger that she chose her dogs over me
    -I want to allow myself to feel sad about her choices and embrace that sadness without it turning into RAGE – but not let it affect my self worth
    -I don’t want to feel afraid of anything anymore
    -I don’t want to move out of our home but if I have to I want to do it out of a place of strength and not rejection – out of knowing that my fiance’ is toxic and not good for me – out of a place of taking care of Cassandra for the first time in my life and feeling great about it!
    -I want to be in a place where I am deciding if I want him for the rest ofmy life not the other way around
    -I want to feel good that I was courageous enough to take a chance rather than feeling so damn mad that I gave up everything for this man
    -I don’t want to hate him
    -I want to be able to feel all of the emotions that come along with my situation and get to love those feelings…….loving him and hating that I love him
    -I want him to know what he wants
    -I want us to still be together
    -I don’t want to feel scared to lose him
    -I don’t want to feel terrified of what is going to happen to me
    -I want to be able to let go of people who mistreat me no matter who they are in my life and not feel scared of losing people that I love
    -I want to allow myself to love and appreciate those feelings of being pissed off that I can’t let go of people that have mistreated me but be able to let – the feelings and the people- go
    -I want to learn to lean back and feel safe in doing so
    -I want HIM to call me more and me to call MUCH less when he is working and on the road
    -I want him to nurture me and be the ‘boy’
    -I want to learn to let him be the boy and me learn how to be the girl
    -I don’t want to take care of anyone but me right now
    -I want to appreciate the feelings that I have around wanting to take care of him but allow him to take care of me and not feel guilty about that – I REALLY want to learn how to be a pond and stay being a pond
    -I want to feel good about being taken care of – to know that I deserve it
    -I want to KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that I deserve to be cherished and loved
    -I want to KNOW in my heart that I am NOT asking for too much……to not feel like I am asking for the moon by wanting to love and be truly loved for me
    -I want my fiance’ to love me and cherish me

    WOW!! Guys, I am so sorry that this is sooo long but I have to admit that this felt really great. I am not sure if I am on the right track or not but it felt really freeing to write all of this. ( I feel bad though that it is so long!)



  19.  #19Cassandra on October 28, 2008 at 9:18 am

    I literally just poasted my FLIPS list and again I am so sorry that it was so long but I am so excited about how I felt writing all of those things flipped around. I felt like I had some of my power back just writing them! Daria, I totally know what you mean about that. I am so excited and I just cant’ wait to hear from Rori if I am on track with all of this. I am in what seems like a hopeless situation but for the first time in several MONTHS I feel good about me! Tears are actually streaming down my face even right now just knowing that I can feel good about me again.

    Rori, I do have another question though…..now knowing for sure that my fiance’ is definitely TOXIC…..what do I do now with all of the stuff that is regarding him? I am not out yet so I am not sure what to do with that…where to go with it. I do still love him and hurt so much knowing that I HAVE to leave him, our home and start totally over again.

    Thank you Rori…I can’t wait to see what I need to do next.

    With love and another huge hug to all….
    Cassandra



  20.  #20Andrea on October 28, 2008 at 9:18 am

    Cassandra – I feel your fears. You just want to be cherished and not taken for granted without having to earn it. I know that feeling. Know, as Rori told me, that you don’t have to earn love. Just being a woman is enough. Know that just being woman means you deserve love without having to work for it.

    I am still working through that and Rori has been very helpful and inspiring. Continue to do the work.



  21.  #21Cassandra on October 28, 2008 at 9:21 am

    Andrea….
    Thank you thank you thank you. You are so right and thank you for letting me know that you are working that all out too. You are an inspiration to me and your encouragement means more than you know. I am so glad that you are moving forward in this too! 🙂 I feel so happy right now, scared but happy and reading your posts has helped me alot as well. Thanks for being here and keep working on you too!! I can’t wait to hear how you are doing too.

    With love and a huge hug….
    Cassandra



  22.  #22Andrea on October 28, 2008 at 9:40 am

    My situation is different from Cassandra’s, however I know the pain that she is feeling. I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend because I felt his actions toward the last few weeks of our relationship were abusive. He was trying to push me away by becoming indifferent to me, being sacastic and not being affectionate. For 3 years our relationship was on and off, each time I felt guilty for wanting what I wanted. I felt like I had to earn love and Rori told me I don’t have to. This time around, I almost fell into the trap of leaning forward and doing all the work in the relationship. I caught myself though and I dropped the oars. I could see and feel that he was not going to pick them up. I had surgery on my sinsus’s and he gave me the excuse that he had the flu so that he did not have to visit me. I know that was not the truth. It upset me greatly because a few months back, he was a man with a plan – he wanted to marry me, but somehow that all faded. To this day, I know I did nothing wrong to deserve this treatment. I need to remember what he did to me to know why I don’t want him. So I made a list and I wanted to publish it here so that I can always access it whenever I need it.

    1. He didn’t take care of me.
    2. He took me for granted
    3. He didn’t know and refused to understand me
    4. He refused to be a better man
    5. He held a carrot in front of me.
    6. He put himself first
    7. He lied
    8. He blamed
    9. He neglected me
    10. He was indifferent to me
    11. He didn’t listen to me
    12. He treated me like a yo-yo
    13. Football was more important than me.
    14. He didn’t look at me with admiration
    15. He wasn’t proud of me
    16. He would turn his back on me.
    17. The honey moon period was 1-2 months, he loved me then but would soon back pedal
    18. He didn’t cherish me.
    19. He was sarcastic
    20. He was mean
    21. He was unsympathetic
    22. He wasn’t free with his time with me
    23. He held all my power
    24. He wasn’t affectionate
    25. He had more important things to do than be with me



  23.  #23Cassandra on October 28, 2008 at 1:34 pm

    Andrea,
    Thank you for sharing all of these things with all of us. I know how hurt you were when he did not take care of you even after a surgery! 🙁 He did not deserve you then….. and certainly does not deserve you now! I know that it still has to hurt but I so hope for you that that pain leaves you quickly! He never deserved you! I think that this is an awesome tool to refer back to when you are in that place of missing him or even wanting him back this will give you a clear albeit painful reminder of the kind of man that he is and it will remind you of why he does NOT derserve you! And how cool is it that this time you caught yourself leaning forward and switched to leaning back! YAY!! 🙂 🙂 You need to celebrate this for sure!

    You have inspired me! I think that I will also begin a list either here or in my personal journal of why my fiance’ does not deserve me either. Maybe it will help me along with Rori’s tools to get the strength to leave even though I still love him.

    I think that this is awesome and thank you so much for sharing it with us.

    Love and a big hug to you,
    Cassandra



  24.  #24Cassandra on October 29, 2008 at 1:42 pm

    Can anyone tell me what the next step is after doing your FLIPS list? Thanks.

    Love and hugs….
    Cassandra



  25.  #25Andrea on October 29, 2008 at 2:08 pm

    Cassandra,

    You are so sweet. I really feel a connection with you. Thank you for all your kind words. You are a great encourager and an inspiration. I hope you will work through the tools with Rori, and us girls too, before you making any decisions about leaving him. I don’t know your situation, but work through the tools. Sometimes I wish I would have finished working through the tools to see if it could have made a difference. I am hoping I am right that he just could not catch and that at this point in time he is toxic and may always be that way. (Hard swallow here but…) I wish the best for him (sometimes), maybe one day it will be “I wish the best for him all the time”:. LOL, until then, I do believe what goes around comes around and that is the way it should be.

    I will tell you, and I need to get this off my chest, I had dinner with a friend last night and she said, “but Andrea, you always do well at the begininng of these breaks up with Jim and then after a while you pine after him and are heartbroken.” She put so much fear in me with that one statement, because the last break up, which was the longest, this statement was true.

    I fear that I may relapse and pine after him. Just that thought has made me think more about him so I have suddenly within the last 24 hours have become frieghten that I will lose the work I have done for myself and pine after him. I hope Rori will have some encouraging words or tools to prevent this. These thoughts really block my chi.

    I am imagining my tunnel and the light at the end of it. I’m am relaxing the tension out of my neck. I hope these tools work.

    Good to hear from you Cassandra! Thank you!

    Love,

    Andrea



  26.  #26Cassandra on October 29, 2008 at 3:03 pm

    Andrea….thank you so much for your note. I feel a connection with you too and I guess why that is why I felt so passionate about all of the reasons that this man does NOT deserve you…not even a little bit. You are not even close to being on the same level or playing field….you are so much above him in every way. Your heart is so precious and not only did he not see that but from where I stand after reading your list of reasons not to go back…he took it all for granted. You are in a whole other league and he does not deserve to be with someone as wonderful as you. I do not mean that in a negative or insulting way toward him at all it is just that…..I guess….it is what it is…….should a beautiful, sleek, smart, and rare black panther hang out with a slimy, dirty, smelly worm? They are simply two totally different beings that each have an important place in this world and are special in their own way but don’t necessarily belong together.

    As far as your pattern in the break-ups I look at it this way….you had the courage to leave something that was not good for you….someone that you deeply loved and gave your all to… but was not good for you…of course there are going to be moments where you wonder…did I do the right thing but you even said that the last breakup was the longest. It seems to me that each time you break up with him you learn more and more about YOU and what is good for you and what is not. You are stronger now than you were during that last breakup and you know more about YOU….and now you have more love for yourself that you had the last time. Give yourself credit for that!! 🙂 I sure am…you are such an inspiration to me! You had the courage to leave whereas I have not left yet and don’t even know If I should try to work the tools and get things to how they are right or just leave.

    I am not as far as you are in the working the tools process but I think that even the fact that you came here, posted your feelings (which by the way really touched me…thank you for that! I send you a HUGE hug! 🙂 ) and even addressed how it is affecting you physically is a huge step to celebrate. 🙂 I bet you that Rori would say the same thing. 🙂

    As far as me leaving my fiance’….I do NOT want to leave him Andrea…..I know you know how I feel…I love him so much and have given up my entire life for him in every possible way. I want to work the tools to try to change ME first to see if things can be right then and then if they still are not right deal with that when i get there. The problem though is that Rori even said that he is indeed a toxic man and that I should leave and start to rebuild my life over…. and I KNOW she is right but I am so scared. I don’t even have anywhere else to go and have not been able to find another job since being laid off. I don’t even know if I would stay here in this city as I came here for him and don’t know anyone else here at all. My hope is that like you, I can work the tools and get stronger in me and for me. I am trying to take it day by day but sometimes his words or actions hurt me so badly I want to crawl into a hole and stay there until he leaves again for work.

    Thank you again Andrea for your support and for your sweet words as well. You brought me a huge smile and for a time I even felt my heart smile.

    With love and a huge hug….
    Cassandra



  27.  #27ann on October 30, 2008 at 4:14 pm

    Hugs ladies, I have a bad headache today but I wanted to share the reminder I give myself when I feel down. “keep on holding on to you” which means keep on taking care of me, keep on learning to love and accept me, keep on trusting that I can and will take care of me, live one day(one moment if necessary)at a time. I am my own best friend.



  28.  #28Rori Raye on October 30, 2008 at 5:00 pm

    Yaaay! Go Ann! Rori



  29.  #29Andrea on November 3, 2008 at 5:55 pm

    Cassandra,

    I wanted to express how touched I am by your post. I am going to print it out and when I’m feeling bad about Jim I’m going to read it. I truly believe what you are saying. I thought I was going to have a hard time on my birthday which was the 30th of October, but I actually made the best of it and had a wonderful time in the city with a few friends. I am a small town girl, a farmer’s daugther infact. I moved near the city about a year ago. So for my birthday we went to a chocolate dessert bar because I LOVE chocolate. It was so cool because I felt like Carrie in Sex and the City. I was dressed so very posh and the atmosphere was very Sex and the City. I loved it!

    I do know how you feel about your relationship and I feel that we are in similar situations. I was forced to move to a city because of the job market and although it is growing on me, I was very homesick for quite sometime and still get that way. Sometimes I get very lonely, but I now have more friends (as opposed to where I use to live) so I can usually find something to look forward to. Then, to make a long story short, Friday was the last day for my job. I am lucky that I found out today that I have two job offers however for the last two weeks I have been freakin out about the job front.

    I feel your pain Cassandra and I know the anxiety you feel and how trapped you must feel. I hope you work through the tools. I myself felt trapped this morning. I dreamt that I was on a bus waiting to get off. I was apparently visiting my college. When I was getting off Jim was waiting for me. He was acting like he was there for the festivities. However, he had never been to my college so I knew he was there to some how get me back or get my attention. He acted like he was not there for me, he acted almost arrogant, like he was showing he had moved on, but the more I ignored his actions that “proved” he was moving on the more he followed me around. Then I woke up. I felt very frustrated as I don’t usually remember my dreams but lately I do and they have been about him. I’d like to believe that dreams have meaning however I don’t know anything about that. Maybe Rori has some incite. But anyway I was frustrated because I feel like I’m trying to forget him and how can I if I’m going to dream about him. Its true that I do want him to follow me around like a puppy dog and not take me for granted but too little too late right?

    I hope all is well!

    Andrea



  30.  #30Cassandra on November 5, 2008 at 1:50 pm

    HI Andrea,
    Thank you for your note and I am so glad that you felt better! I am sooooo happy that you had a great birthday! 🙂 I hope that things are still going well for you and that you are feeling great each and every day! Your dream was interesting that is for sure. I think it is kind of cool actually! I don’t know what dreams mean but I would lvoe to know Rori’s thoughts on it. Thanks again for your sweet note and I am glad to know that you had a good birthday! Happy belated birthday!!!

    Love and hugs….
    Cassandra



  31.  #31Linda on November 14, 2008 at 7:49 pm

    My Flip List
    I think what I see is how I need to believe in myself, to feel strong and secure in myself

    1 I want to be a good a single mother, although by choice
    2 I want to provide a loving home for my children
    3 I want to spend money more responsibly
    4 I want to grow from ended relationships gracefully
    5 I want to learn to sustain a real relationship
    6 I want to be able to keep a job
    7 I want healthy friendships
    8 I want to have more friends
    9 I want to persevere in finding and maintaining a real relationship, a romantic one
    10 I want to be able to rescue myself
    11 I want a man who will truly to commit
    12 I want to be the last girl my man will ever want
    13 I want to get back in shape
    14 I want to do all I can to take care of my daughter with special needs
    15 I want to provide a more structured family life and home for my children
    16 I want to be able to care for my parents but I want help
    17 I want to step up to the challenge of surviving on my own
    18 I want to always cherish those I have loved and lost
    19 I want to be myself, whatever my brother thinks of me
    20 I want to have the trusted and secure relationship I imagined I had with the man I was convinced was for me
    21 I want to look deeply into myself and not be afraid or saddened
    22 I want to be able to properly provide for my children financially
    23 I want to fulfill my children’s lives and needs
    24 I want to be around more people who respect me and make me feel good about myself
    25 I want to stop caring about traditional expectations
    26 I want to find a better way to satisfy myself, other than through false vanity
    27 I must get and give my daughter the support she needs to live a rewarding life
    28 I want to provide my son with an appropriate male role model, one that represents what I want for him
    29 I want my life to begin
    30 I want to accept who and what I am
    31 I want to reconnect with my European friends of my youth
    32 I want to have close friends like that I feel safe with here
    33 I want to overcome the fear of being betrayed, I want to trust people and myself
    34 I want to better organize my life
    35 I want to reconnect with my artist self
    36 I want to belong
    37 I want to give more t others
    38 I want to have an independent identity
    39 I want to spend more time with Sheela
    40 I want to feel okay with being vulnerable



  32.  #32Becca on November 15, 2008 at 12:41 am

    I think my theme is that I want to control others/outcomes. That I am insecure about people leaving me and want someone to love me. That I am no enough. While flipping my problem list, it was really difficult not to make the wants about him! (or about wanting him) This flip list was so difficult to write, and I’m not sure if I got my theme right. When I looked at my problems list I did not like the fact that I think and worry about my ex so much so I tried to make my flips only about me. I want him out of my head.

    My FLIPS:
    1. I want to be in a relationship where I am adored and cherished and can give back my love. I want a partner who loves being with me. I want to receive.
    2. I want to feel strong and able to move on with my life.
    3. I want to see opportunities everywhere for love.
    4. I want to enjoy spending time with others for who they are. I want to appreciate others for who they are. I want to have fun meeting new people and spending time with those already in my life. I want to feel good about spending time with men, flirting or dating.
    5. I want to feel free to do what I want and honour my feelings and boundaries. I want to enjoy spending time with men. I want to feel relaxed.
    6. I want to trust myself and my words. I want to love myself for making mistakes and learn from them. I want to draw people closer to me.
    7. I want to feel excited about moving interstate. I want to enjoy the experience. I want to remember that I have support from others.
    8. I want my Mum to be happy and carefree.
    9. I want my Dad to be healthy and happy.
    10. I want my brother and sister to finish uni. I want them to make the best decisions that they can for their future. I want them to know that I am there if they need/want my support.
    11. I want to embrace the changes in my life.
    12. I want to enjoy life and let the future come as it will.
    13. I want to move on and put myself first.
    14. I want to feel good when I like other guys.
    15. I want to know that more love will come to me.
    16. I want to use feeling messages as second nature. I want people to listen to me and my feelings. I want to be heard and understood and valued.
    17. I want to allow myself to be vulnerable. I want to be soft on the outside but strong on the inside. I want to embrace each experience and learn from it.
    18. I want financial security and a family of my own in the future.
    19. I want to be free to love any man I choose to.
    20. I want my sister to be healthy. I want her operation to go well.
    21. I want to take my time with learning.
    22. I want to feel empowered in all I do. I want to feel secure in relationships.
    23. I want to feel confident at work.
    24. I want to be the feminine energy in relationships. I want to learn to receive love and give back. I want to lean back and allow men to feel safe to lean towards me.
    25. I want to be decisive and know what I want.
    26. I want to make the best decision I can at the time. I want to know that my friends and family will always be there to support me.
    27. I want seeing other couples to confirm that I can also have a wonderful relationship.
    28. I want to feel happy, desirable, confident, and intelligent. I want to feel that I can handle anything. I want my mind to soar. I want clarity in what I want.
    29. I want to always be myself and honour my feelings.
    30. I want to feel ok to move on from him. I want to be happy for him and for me even though we’re not together. I want to know that things will turn out alright.
    31. I want to make my own choices. I want to see decisions with clarity and do what is best at the time.
    32. I want to be confident in my abilities.
    33. I want to feel free and feel like I have choices.
    34. I want to see things clearly. I want to be able to take things at face value.
    35. I want to remember that my problems are important to me. I want to learn to take baby steps in changing things. I want to act to resolve my problems.

    I want to be the best me I can. I want to love myself and my life.



  33.  #33Carmela on November 20, 2008 at 5:00 pm

    I wrote my list last month and I had to go back and reread some thing so I am adding my list and my flip to the post.

    My theme is feeling bad about myself and what I want and keeping myself small so I won’t feel bad or afraid.
    Here is my problem list and my wants list is right after that.

    Will I always feel so terrible about the break up with SG?
    I don’t want to keep having the same bad relationship.
    I don’t want to keep feeling so sad.
    I’m too controlling, and I don’t want that to ruin my life like it has been so far.
    I don’t wnat to be a bad mom and have my sons be co-toxic like I am in their relationships as adults.
    I feel like a failure.
    Will I need to care for my mom if she gets sick again, how will I pay for that?
    I need money for new clothing for me and a few more things for the boys.
    I feel like not feeling my feelings but I know that is not a good idea.
    I need to really clean and declutter my house. How will I get all that done.
    I need to save more money, how?
    I hate feeling this way, I just want to feel happy again.
    I feel stuck and obsessed with SG, that is not healthy.
    I still feel like it is my fault and I feel guilty.
    I feel so bored with my job I wnat to change it.
    I’m tired of being single and now I’m ready to get married but I have no dates.
    I want to believe that love is all around me but sometimes I don’t.
    I still want SG to stay even though I know He doesn’t want or need to stay.
    I feel affraid of that period of time when I will be alone in bed, no snuggling, no sex, no man to care for me, I don’t want to turn into a cactus again.
    Who will do all the stuf that SG did around the house?
    How will I face all the people that don’t know we broke up yet? I don’t want to feel bad and humiliated.
    I feel like SG lied to me about some things and that makes me angry.
    I still want to have sex with him, even though I know we aren’t going to work out right now or possibly ever.
    Even though I know I can’t get what I want from that relationship , I still feel the same way about him.
    I need to lose weight so I can feel more attractive.
    I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy.
    I feel like I deserve to be punished.
    I often feel wrong just because, for no reason I can pinpoint.
    I feel worthless, like damaged goods.
    I just wanted to win this one time, I wanted SG to see how fab’ I was and realize he could not live another moment without making me his wife. It didn’t work out that way and I feel wrong for that, ashamed, stupid, guilty, punished, and used-I was trying too hard to please him.
    I want a husband that loves me like Obama and Michelle, like Jimmy Carty and Rosilyn and my friends J and J and I don’t know how to be with a man in a wonderful way like that-it feels like it will never happen for me.

    Here is my flip:
    I want to feel better about SG breaking up with me because I know this is a chance for growth for me.
    I want to have a growing, expanding relationship.
    I want to be happy.
    I want to be in control of myself, I want my life to be free and fulfilling.
    I want to be a good mom and I want my sons to grow up to have healthy relationships.
    I want to feel like and be a success in every area of my life.
    When the time comes I want to be able to take care of my mother and provide medical support for her.
    I want to have nice, new clothing for myself and my sons.
    I want to have enough money to do all the things I need to do and many, many of the things I just want to do for myself and my children without struggling financially.
    I want to continue to open up and embrace my feelings even when it feels scary.
    I want to declutter my home and clean out the old so I can have new and better things in my life in every way.
    I want to be saving money for the future with ease and I always have enough for everything I need for my family.
    I want to feel happy again.
    I want to feel emotionally unstuck and free.
    I want to accept my growth from the relationship and feel guilt free about it.
    I want a great new job that is interesting and well paying.
    I want a good husband to share a beautiful life with me and my sons.
    I want to believe love is all around me and never doubt that.
    I want to let go of SG and feel anxiety free about letting go totally.
    I want to have my own wonderful man in my bed at night, I want to have someone good to snuggle with at night, I want to have great sex with my special man, I want to not be a cactus, I want to be open to let a man take care of me and I want to receive from a good guy!
    I want to be be unafraid of being loved.
    (This getting to be sort of fun.)
    I want to be confident that my needs will always be met, I won’t lack for any thing I desire.
    I want to feel brave and confident when I have to tell people that SG and I broke up.
    I want to feel like SG’s decisions after we broke up will not have a negative affect on my life or our child.
    I want to want only the men that want me and free myself up to be with them.
    I want to be ok with still having some old feelings for SG but not letting those old feelings hold me back from getting on with my life.
    I want to lose a few pounds so I can feel even better about my body.
    I want to feel like I deserve good things.
    I want the feeling of needing to be punished to evaporate from my life and all of my affairs.
    I want to feel right with myself even when things aren’t going well.
    I want to feel worthy and undamaged and good.
    I want SG to realize he can’t live without making me his wife and I want him to make all the changes he needs to make to make that happen and make us both happy.
    I want a husband that loves me only and loves me well like Obama and Michelle, Jimmy Carter and Rosilyn and my friends J and J.

    I am working through each step and I found that this one helped some. It does make you feel like there are possibilities for me. Thank, Rori and everyone who posted. It really has helped me feel like I can live a little bigger.

    Carmela



  34.  #34Liz on December 19, 2008 at 6:35 pm

    Hi, there, everyone!

    And thank you, Rori, for answering my first post so soon!

    So, after going through the articles and working on them, one at a time, here is step #2: My “flips”:

    – I want a stable job, where I can make a valuable contribution while having the economic means I need
    – I want to be financially free / debt-free
    – I want to be happily together with the man I love and who loves me, never having to be away from each other
    – I want to have a happy, healthy and fulfilling relationship with my man, loving him and feeling loved by him in a total, sincere and unconditional way
    – I want to have the financial means to carry out my decisions and accomplish my means, to provide for a good life for me and my mom
    – I want to have a healthy relationship with my mom, whether living together or away
    – I want to work from home and provide counseling services for free
    – I want to contribute to love and happiness in the world
    – I want everything to work out well in my life, in line with God’s will

    Well, that’s about it with my list. Now let’s see how I’m doing! =0)

    Love,

    Liz



  35.  #35nir on December 22, 2008 at 12:07 pm

    I feel as though I’m afraid of my power and insecure about being rejected.

    My flips:

    -I want to love and enjoy sex, so much that it’s obvious to my husband.
    -I want to feel secure about our relationship.
    -I want my husband to be happy and want to live and take care of his body.
    -I want to be in love with him.
    -I want to be financially independent.
    -I want my husband to put forth the effort in our marriage: to initiate dates, to want to please me, to want to dance with me and treat me like a man treats a woman he loves.
    -I want to be free of the compulsion to focus on him all the time.
    -I want to feel beautiful and valued.
    -I want to feel loved.
    -I want my kids to see a wonderful marriage and be able to have good role models for how men and women treat each other.
    -I want my daughter to be happy in her marriage, to value learning and know how to care for her home.
    -I want my children to love being here with us.
    -I want a clean home.
    -I want my children to learn responsibility so they can do well when they’re grown.
    -I want to feel secure.
    -I want my husband to want me to be with him.



  36.  #36Tina on December 28, 2008 at 3:36 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I finished the “power to vote” tool. Today I did this tool. Writing problems and flipping them. I made note of the lists and patterns in my journal.

    Also, I was listening to Virginia in “Commitment Blue print” program last night. Her one sentence has stopped all the chatter in my mind….”If he wants to be with you, he will be with you” . That is so true and simple.

    Yet, I lose myself sometimes. I get desperate and jealous. Is that part of human nature? Then I go back and listen to those CD’s and I come under control.

    I’d like to feel powerful all the time (not only when I listen to the CD’s). I do not know what it takes to feel that way.

    Regards,
    Tina



  37.  #37Rori Raye on December 28, 2008 at 4:27 pm

    Thank you Tina – and to all – here’s the answer: – If you find something in my Tools and programs that works, even ONCE – like Virginia’s line – “If he wants to be with you, he will be with you” then just keep saying it to yourself over and over, and let it work.
    If it loses its power, find another Tool that works, and do that, along with any others that work, over and over.
    As you practice, as you start to feel some power over your system – that you CAN calm yourself down, that you CAN change your automatic reactions – that you CAN LOVE your feelings and yourself through anything – that you have MANY, MANY Tools here that WORK – you’ll see – your physical, emotional, energetic system will CHANGE. You will get a new “normal.” That’s just the way it works.
    The neural pathways in your brain will change.
    In other words, by doing it – you do it.
    Love, Rori



  38.  #38Cookie on January 13, 2009 at 10:12 pm

    okay, so i’ve been trying not to talk or think about my man and truth is that i haven’t been able to stop. i’m beginning to miss him and am afraid he will not drawn to or inspired to come all the way back to me not just give me crumbs. i think my theme is that i don’t believe in myself enough to love myself enough to open my heart to love, lean back, and focus on myself.

    here is the original list and the Flip:
    I want to attract new opportunities in my life.
    I want to resist control and allow my boyfriend of seven years and other men to pursue me.
    I want to feel secure in a committed relationship with a man I love.
    I want to be open and meet other interesting people who like and accept me.
    I want to feel and be seen as beautiful.
    I want to own firm and steadfast boundaries for myself.
    I want to find new effective patterns and accept but not repeat old mistakes.
    I want to be speak pleasantly about my relationship and/or not be judged for my decisions.
    I want to be so focused on healing and loving myself that I genuinely do not have time to overfocus on my man.
    I want to be committed to reaching my goals.
    I want to lose all the weight I desire and feel wonderful about my body.
    I want to treat myself nicely, be kind to me.
    I want to believe that I am, as I exist right now and the me I am healing myself to be, is enough for any man.
    I want to believe that I am a diamond, a queen, a goddess, a siren and any man would be lucky to be with me.
    I want to embrace these new tools and use them.
    I want to be finacially satisfied.
    I want to obtain the material things like my condo and my car and have a significant amount of money in the bank.
    I want to continue to joyfully follow my purpose in life.
    I want to exercise time management so that I give the most time to myself first and then spread it out to everybody else.
    I want to accept my flaws and be patient and kind to myself.

    My problems:
    – feeling obsessed about my current guy of seven years but really over every man that comes into my life.
    _ feeling afraid to go out and meet new men because I’m afraid that I will bring my coolness with me and they will look at me as a good time girl that they could have sex with and who is okay with just getting that and then going on to find woman they really want to be with.
    – feeling anxious that my current guy will not pick up the oars of our relationship and lead us to happily ever after, that he may not be capable, that I will be his stepping stone (or he will be mine).
    – feeling jealous of my guy because he can decide to not care or move on, which makes me feel insecure like I’m not enough woman for him, instead of the other way around.
    – feeling afraid of opening up and being vulnerable and myself in the presence of unfamiliar people
    – feeling afraid to be seen, even though i hate feeling invisible
    – feeling not grounded in my boundaries
    – feeling stupid for repeating the same cycle over and over again
    – feeling stupid for talking to so many people about the problems in my relationship so that if he does step up and become the one, no one will be happy for me
    – feeling like i can’t stop thinking about or talking about him, even when he’s not around
    – feeling inspired to imagine me at my best and really going for it
    – feeling tired of judging myself and beating me up and ripping me apart into segments instead of seeing who i am as a whole person
    – feeling ill equipped to really love myself with all my flaws
    – feeling excited about embracing this new way of being and then feeling guilty that I may be leaving my guy (my first love) behind
    – feeling like no one will really love me deeply
    – feeling insecure with being overweight right now, knowing that it takes alot to lose and also knowing that i am more than capable of reaching my goal
    _ feeling that even with the weight gone I might feel insecure about some other part of me
    – feeling like these old ideas are played out and of no use to me where I’m going in my life and that maybe I’m just telling myself that I feel most of the above things because I’m trying to talk myself out of doing the work
    – feeling annoyed with myself for being lazy
    – feeling impatient with the process and not recognizing the baby steps I’m making.
    – feeling like the baby steps are not enough that I need to, have to, change overnight
    – feeling grateful to the process, and how things are moving out of my path so I can do what I have to do
    – feeling the fight between the woman/goddess/queen inside me and the little girl who is stubborn and hard headed and who wants to be safe and stuck
    – feeling annoyed that I don’t have enough money to live the life i want without help from a man (like buying a house or getting my foundation started)
    – feeling frustrated that my chosen profession as a teacher, though it is gratifying in some ways, will never make me economically satisfied
    – feeling like if i wasn’t so afraid after college to see if i could make it in the advertising world that maybe i would be making major money by now.
    – feeling guilty for saying that because I know my purpose on this planet is to help young adults and teenagers realize their dreams and potential
    – feeling angry with myself that i am so invested in other people and not enough in myself
    – feeling that there is never enough hours in the day to satisfy all the masters
    – feeling like i should be a principal, because its more prestigous but not because it’s in my heart to do that
    – feeling like i’m ready but knowing that i’m really not that there is so much work on myself that i need to do
    – feeling like i can’t be imperfect which makes me disgusted because I don’t require perfection (because it doesn’t exist)

    Monday, 12 January 2009 @ 9:15pm



  39.  #39Cookie on January 13, 2009 at 10:26 pm

    Some more themes I noticed: I am afraid of my own strength, my own power to say no and be that hot girl, soft, wonderful girl that exists, actually fighting to get out of me. I get there almost some time and then I get afraid and run back inside my shell. I am afraid to be free.



  40.  #40Tina on November 9, 2012 at 10:36 am

    FLIP
    1. Working for someone who has excellent leadership qualities, change my job.

    2. I like working with people who give me space and trust my work

    3. I wish my parents to be happy and in good health
    4. I wish to have babies when my husband is ready and I do not want my mom to worry about it.

    5. My husband said that he will visit me sooner and stay with me for sometime. Things are getting better and for the good and I do not want my dad to worry about it.
    6. I’d like my husband to understand that I am unable to get along with his family. It will be best for everyone if he manages this well.
    7. I wish my husband to be more matured in this marriage and keep his family and me happy in our own respective places.
    8. I see myself updating my resume and stay on track on my studying.
    9. I see myself practicing my dance lessons regulary.
    10. I see myself with a good sense of time management.
    11. I could either hire a cook or buy healthy food when I do not have time to cook.
    12. I like doing everything on my own will.
    13. I see myself in a happy and content mindset.
    14. I want people to be proud of who I am.
    15. I am discovering my life purpose.
    16. I look for a workplace that meets my values.