Get Your Man Back

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boot campI just put this “cheat sheet” from all my programs together!

If you want (or if you know a woman who wants…) to get your man back, and want quick instructions – just take a look here:

http://www.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/m/get-your-man-back.html

Please let me know how this works for you – I mean it to be helpful no matter WHAT your situation,  and want to

boot camp 7 steps

give you as much “relationship advice,” and as many clear, easy-to-do Tools as possible.

Love, Rori

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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224 Comments

  1.  #1Tina on April 30, 2013 at 1:49 am

    Wow Rori I love this!



  2.  #2Zara on April 30, 2013 at 3:28 am

    Awwww it is ssssssso cute and so efficient. I feel the love in the making of it.
    I feel the generosity and the clarity.
    I feel all smiley. It feels good.
    Thank you Rori, you are brilliant.

    xxx



  3.  #3Luzydel on April 30, 2013 at 3:41 am

    The most important thing is that you’ll fell so much better even if your man doesn’t come back 🙂 I have wanted a few men back and now I don’t.



  4.  #4Kris on April 30, 2013 at 4:16 am

    Luzydel – tell me more! I’m only a few weeks into a break up and I’m finding it soooo hard. I feel dreadful. What did you do?



  5.  #5IamHis on April 30, 2013 at 5:30 am

    Kris – I know you didn’t ask me, but you need to love yourself so much that you KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that any man who is STUPID ENOUGH to let you go is a man that you DON’T WANT.

    It feels powerful and amazing when you can get to a place where you truly believe this with all your heart!



  6.  #6Kris on April 30, 2013 at 6:01 am

    Thanks IAmHis – how did you start to love yourself? I’m so down and sad I can hardly get out of bed 🙁



  7.  #7Zara on April 30, 2013 at 6:13 am

    415 Kath from https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/breakup-divorce/the-answer-and-the-solution-is-always-inside-you/#comment-298604

    I suppose you meant Zara 412 and not 413? You are very welcome. 🙂

    It feels sad, though, to read you name calling yourself. Ush, ush… Love starts with oneself. 😉 Pay close attention to the words you choose.
    *******************
    From post 349
    A.
    First – please, no more calling yourself or anything you do “stupid.” We all make mistakes, and sometimes it’s our mistakes, catching them and figuring out how to not make them again, that can HELP us more than anything else. It’s the trial-and-error that got me where I am today, so a little trial-and-error will help you too, if you use my Tools to guide you. (Rori)
    *********************

    Just so you know, it helps to observe the adjective we use to judge.

    For example when you judge his female friend as a b*tch, it tells me that you judge yourself as a b*tch somewhere.
    You can probably find at least 3 examples where you judge that you act as a b*tch.
    Of course, since judgments don’t tell the truth about us, you can also find 3 examples and more where you act as a kind and loving being.

    When you qualify her as a parasite, chances are it is also a projection of a part of you that you judge as a parasite.
    If you’d look into it, you’d probably find at least 3 examples where you judge that you act as a parasite. And also of course you’d find at least 3 examples where you brought values to others’ life.

    Judging your man and his friends won’t help, not only because he will not take it gladly, and it creates a distance, but because the judgments are lies. They don’t say the truth about the person we are judging, they only express the projection of ourselves that we see in others.

    When I call a woman b*tch, I am myself being a b*tch to her, to my man who loves her as a friend, and to myself because I make myself come off like a b*tch disconnected from love, and ultimately I make myself feel bad.

    When I am calling her a parasite, I am myself being a parasite. I am using her to avoid the work on myself. To avoid feeling my feelings and to avoid questioning my thoughts, all I have to do is to pretend the bad feeling in my love life comes from her because she is a parasite.

    And so on…

    xxx



  8.  #8Vi on April 30, 2013 at 6:22 am

    I feel smiley and warm reading the ‘instructions’ 🙂



  9.  #9Mercedes on April 30, 2013 at 6:39 am

    Posted this on the last thread too but not sure anyone is still over there so wanted to have a copy here as well:

    Smile and Dominique: Thank you ladies! I know that J finds me attractive and loves me…it’s the self love part that has me discouraged. It’s not horrible (yet…but I think if we don’t heal these parts of ourselves they can certainly grow into way more than necessary) but it is there. The few pounds I’ve gained and the body tone I’ve lost. I still consider myself very small but…just not the same. I don’t know. It’s bothering me.

    Maybe it’s all in the belief that if I can ever quit my job and work full time in the yoga/meditation spa I will be able to exercise and meditate freely and can really put a focus on my body changes. I can do that now too I know.

    I think I just want to be different. I’m growing my yoga and meditation practice each day and I just feel like I am ready for so much more. And I have five pounds that I would like to remove from my butt. That would help.

    I feel much better today than I did yesterday. I started working with Dominique’s video program and I absolutely LOVE it. Soooo many tips and little things we can do to change and move forward. Her voice is incredibly soothing and lovely and she has SO MUCH knowledge. I’m not far along in the series yet but have learned a lot about skincare, body care, mind body connection and everything from what to with my day to color in my wardrobe and…just a TON of amazing tips and ideas. I can’t wait to move forward with this. Truly beautiful ladies. Thank you Dominique so much! It is a real blessing.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  10.  #10Kath on April 30, 2013 at 7:26 am

    #7 Zara

    I see your point- I have been very bad at judging his friend, but she is not a good person at all and I certainly don’t think there is any part of us that is similar, except for the fact that we are both female. I would not use people in the way that she does and I feel very protective that he should allow himself to be used in such a way- but then that’s just it isn’t, he is an adult and if he allows himself to be used in that way, that is really nothing to do with me is it?- Its something I have to get over and get past- I don’t want it to come between us and I have allowed it to be an issue.

    Thank you Rori for the post!- I need this!- and I am following this to the letter for the next seven days!- I’ll let you know what happens.



  11.  #11ruth on April 30, 2013 at 7:29 am

    How do you get to read this
    Ive clicked on it, but it doesnt enlarge



  12.  #12IamHis on April 30, 2013 at 8:07 am

    @6 (((((((((Kris)))))))) – It is a process, Kris, and I feel so sad that you’re having a hard time getting out of bed right now. I know how that feels.

    Can you think of what got you to that place? Have you allowed yourself to feel your feelings and grieve whatever loss or bad situation you feel like you might be in?

    What helped me was my faith, first and foremost. I believe that G0D loves me and has a purpose for my life. The tricky part is figuring out that purpose sometimes…

    I wrote answers in response to these questions:
    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/6-powerful-questions-that-will-change-your-life-forever/

    and that was a great start for me…

    What would make you feel good enough to get out of bed?

    The prospect of a good hearty breakfast?

    A day off from work?
    Organizing your home?
    Going for a nature walk?
    A hot cup of tea/coffee/hot cocoa?
    Journaling?
    A good book/movie?

    Try to find a reason to get out of bed. Try to remember a happy time in your life when you felt like “yourself” and use each new moment you have to work hard to get back to where you feel like “yourself” again.

    Keep working at it until you truly KNOW that NO ONE can take “you” away from “you!”



  13.  #13Mercedes on April 30, 2013 at 8:18 am

    Ruth: If you click on the link, it will take you to another page. About halfway down that page you will see the attachment again. At that point, I was able to click on it again and then again to increase the size.

    Hope that helps.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  14.  #14Mercedes on April 30, 2013 at 8:19 am

    By “link”, I mean the http link in the article above…not the actual picture of the attachment.



  15.  #15Syreena on April 30, 2013 at 8:58 am

    7: Zara says:

    “415 Kath from https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/breakup-divorce/the-answer-and-the-solution-is-always-inside-you/#comment-298604

    I suppose you meant Zara 412 and not 413? You are very welcome. 🙂

    It feels sad, though, to read you name calling yourself. Ush, ush… Love starts with oneself. 😉 Pay close attention to the words you choose.
    *******************
    From post 349
    A.
    First – please, no more calling yourself or anything you do “stupid.” We all make mistakes, and sometimes it’s our mistakes, catching them and figuring out how to not make them again, that can HELP us more than anything else. It’s the trial-and-error that got me where I am today, so a little trial-and-error will help you too, if you use my Tools to guide you. (Rori)
    *********************

    Just so you know, it helps to observe the adjective we use to judge.

    For example when you judge his female friend as a b*tch, it tells me that you judge yourself as a b*tch somewhere.
    You can probably find at least 3 examples where you judge that you act as a b*tch.
    Of course, since judgments don’t tell the truth about us, you can also find 3 examples and more where you act as a kind and loving being.

    When you qualify her as a parasite, chances are it is also a projection of a part of you that you judge as a parasite.
    If you’d look into it, you’d probably find at least 3 examples where you judge that you act as a parasite. And also of course you’d find at least 3 examples where you brought values to others’ life.

    Judging your man and his friends won’t help, not only because he will not take it gladly, and it creates a distance, but because the judgments are lies. They don’t say the truth about the person we are judging, they only express the projection of ourselves that we see in others.

    When I call a woman b*tch, I am myself being a b*tch to her, to my man who loves her as a friend, and to myself because I make myself come off like a b*tch disconnected from love, and ultimately I make myself feel bad.

    When I am calling her a parasite, I am myself being a parasite. I am using her to avoid the work on myself. To avoid feeling my feelings and to avoid questioning my thoughts, all I have to do is to pretend the bad feeling in my love life comes from her because she is a parasite.

    And so on…

    xxx”

    Thanks for posting this.

    I feel curious how this works when a man is calling a woman judgmental and derogatory names like sluuuut, gold digggggger, who 88888e, bit4444ch, bimbbbbboooo., crazzzzzy, madd, drammmma queeennn.

    This is what I have observed. Women who call themselves names like that or other women names like that unless they are messing about appear to attract men who think of women like this.

    Now here is the thing from deep observation. And it makes me feel truly awful bearing witness to this.

    The women who use these judgmental words about themselves and other women on a subconscious level believe these women should be punished or if they get treated badly, deserve what they get.

    And the men believe that about these women too, they believe they deserve to be treated badly.

    It feels so awful and scary to have observed this. tears. It makes me feel very very deeply saddened. I don’t like it but I don’t want to bury my head in the sand and deny my observations and reality. 🙁

    I would just dearly love to be able to be part of changing this. I want to do that. Is that really possible?



  16.  #16Daria on April 30, 2013 at 9:01 am

    so cute!



  17.  #17Daria on April 30, 2013 at 9:14 am

    Yay! I did the Day 1 emotional warmup and it felt easy and I feel great now!



  18.  #18Kris on April 30, 2013 at 9:26 am

    Thanks IAmHis – great link! I’ll work thru it. Daria what type of things have u put for the relationship issues?



  19.  #19Daria on April 30, 2013 at 9:36 am

    Kris – i just did moments I recall that I didn’t like (like the one time Security man had sex with another woman IN FRONT OF ME!!!! !)



  20.  #20Kris on April 30, 2013 at 9:43 am

    Is that a boyfriend? Security man?? That’s awful!! Bless you!



  21.  #21Daria on April 30, 2013 at 9:51 am

    Kris – it was an ex I was in love with… we were single when this happened a few months ago… i hadn’t seen him for 3 years and went to visit him… it was a party

    I had the company of another man too

    some of my situations do tend toward the shocking extremes,

    I create like this I guess because I get curious about extremes 🙂



  22.  #22Daria on April 30, 2013 at 9:51 am

    Thanks for your support Kris Goddess



  23.  #23KLK on April 30, 2013 at 9:54 am

    Mercedes 9

    Would you please be able to post a link to the program by Dominique that you are talking about?:) I think I would enjoy it very much too!



  24.  #24Casey on April 30, 2013 at 10:49 am

    Seems like it will work. Let give it a try ….



  25.  #25angela on April 30, 2013 at 10:54 am

    thank you rori. simple and yet powerful. will do this.



  26.  #26Dominique on April 30, 2013 at 11:14 am

    KLK – This is the program. It was launched in January. 🙂

    xxoo



  27.  #27Mercedes on April 30, 2013 at 11:23 am

    KLK: You can order Dominique’s program from this site: http://sexandheart.com as I said, I’m only on the second video and it is already well worth the money. So many different aspects of life and relationships are addressed and with each step there seem to be countless tips and ideas along with meditations and visuals. It is absolutely lovely and her voice alone helps me feel at peace and in love. I don’t know how to explain it except you will feel soooo good…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  28.  #28Dominique on April 30, 2013 at 11:23 am

    It would be nice if I posted the link, lol, sorry.

    http://sexandheart.com/the-goddess-way

    xxoo



  29.  #29April Rose on April 30, 2013 at 11:24 am

    Thank you Zara for all your repostings of Rori’s articles on the previous thread. they have helped me immensely.



  30.  #30Dominique on April 30, 2013 at 11:24 am

    Thank you so much for this Mercedes.

    Much love to you.

    xxoo



  31.  #31KLK on April 30, 2013 at 11:39 am

    Thank you I will get it:)



  32.  #32Mercedes on April 30, 2013 at 11:48 am

    Dominique: You’re very welcome but no thanks necessary…it truly is wonderful so far and I expect the rest will be just as amazing. I’m just so in awe that you were able to put it all together. I’m pretty sure I would have lost the words to say about a quarter of the way in. lol

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  33.  #33IamHis on April 30, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    Targetting Mr. Right has this part in it where it has a flirting technique and it talks about when his friend approaches you before he does.

    How bout some older man told some younger guy my age that he thought we should date, when really I like his friend?

    I like the guy, but I’m really interested in his friend…

    & now that the idea has been planted in other guy’s head, he won’t leave me alone!

    I’m going to get to know him anyway. He seems really sweet…



  34.  #34Elsie on April 30, 2013 at 12:03 pm

    Hi ladies. 🙂

    I totally need this bootcamp, because I need it for ME. I’m not worried about “losing” him, but I do feel as if I’ve lost a bit of me, or want to get stronger if that makes sense.

    I feel more and more lately like he has been put in my path to make me stronger in terms of my own self esteem. He is NOT there oo-ing and aw-ing over me every second, and I think thats ok, but it makes me scared and fearful because I need that constant reassurance. But I dont think that is healthy.

    For example, I didnt get to see him this last weekend, which was fine I was actually out of town. But then I have all this stuff at the house I couldnt carry and needed his help. I asked him (as you all know – from the previous thread.)

    He was *wonderful* about it. I told him that he TRULY TRULY could say no to me anytime and it wasnt that I was trying to get him to come over (and he knows this because most times he comes over its just to have quality time together, and its at his initition, so I”m not worried about that but said it anyway.

    Then I said – no hurry, we have until next month to do it – so whenever.

    He came over an hour later and said – what about tonight? LOL. Why do I worry about it??? Ugh.

    So then I got home. And I thought to myself, hey, I bet I could carry some of this stuff. AND I DID, I carried a lot of it – and I was super proud of myself. Well my neighbor friends saw us all working in the yard and they came over and helped! So GS (my guy) didnt even have to!!!

    So – I texted him and said a few hours later that I have good news and better news!

    I told him that I carried over half of it up and the neighbors helped me carry the rest. I said I still needed help with the air conditioner though.

    OK – SO HERE IS THE PROBLEM. His response was that he hoped he could still make it and he wasnt sure. (Which IS FINE….)

    BUT….I wish he would have said how proud he was of me, etc. etc.

    I just crave those words of affirmation so much (Five Love Languages) Although my exhusband was all words and no action – and this man is all action and very few words. LOL. 🙂 So I guess I would rather have the latter right

    anwyay – he ended up not being able to come over (not his fault) and that was fine.

    I was upset about it this morning, but man, the instant that I saw him, I melted. I do every time I see him. We have had a nice day….

    BUT….I havent seen him alone in a little over a week and I miss him.

    Man, I sound needy. I”m grossing myself out now. LOL.



  35.  #35Mercedes on April 30, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    Elsie: Has he read the book? Just because YOU know your love language doesn’t mean he does. Also, do you know HIS love language and do you love him the way he needs to be loved or is it mostly about how much or what YOU need/are missing?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  36.  #36Dominique on April 30, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    Elsie – I don ‘t get needy from you so much anymore because you’re aware of when this comes up for you, and you handle it and beautifully.

    I understand wanting to hear things from GS. I used to want the same from K, and I just don’t, yet over the years I’ve come to find out in other ways and sometimes overhearing him talking to other, how he feels about what I do and what I think.

    And yes it still feels amazing to hear when it arises, yet his actions trump any of this any day.

    xxoo



  37.  #37Elsie on April 30, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    @Mercedes – Yes, he has read the book (I *love* that he has read that book) And his love language is touch/feeling/closeness physically. And yes, I do believe that he has said on more than one occasion that I fulfill that for him (even just sitting close or holding hands is a BIG DEAL for him.)

    I have told him that my love language TRULY is acts of service, followed by quality time and words of affirmation. The acts of service he is awesome on. Quality time he gives me every day – and then when he can at night etc. But the words of affirmation is not great. When we are alone and actually in the company of each other it is great. It is the times that we are not together that I need it – at night, weekends, etc. He knows it and I’ve said it many times. I”m not sure how else to do it without being needy/clingy??!

    @Dominique – You are sweet. I’m TOTALLY needy. I have you completely fooled. I am totally clingy and needy. I can just tuck my crazy in a bit better than I used to. LOL.

    His actions do trump words. Its just that to me it seems that the words would be so easy to say and would mean so much to me.

    For example, I got us tickets to see a show (first time I’ve ever done it – and trust me I’m not rowing the boat – there was a big backstory on it) Anyway – I was so excited, and I got nothing from him on text. Ugh. Anyway…..

    I just want to have all three – Acts of service, quality time and words of affirmation LOL – cant I have it all!?!?!?!?! 🙂



  38.  #38Elsie on April 30, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    @Mercedes and Dominique – I was just at my desk smiling – I seriously wish the three of us could go out and have some adult beverages. 🙂



  39.  #39Femininewoman on April 30, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    In one of CCarter’s program, I believe From Casual to Committed, he suggests that women find out their love language and then share that with their partner.



  40.  #40Femininewoman on April 30, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    Okayy 🙂



  41.  #41Elsie on April 30, 2013 at 12:58 pm

    @FW – I have done that – several times. I think (I know) it doesnt come naturally to him. Alone we do great, but I need it more during the day to day or weekend time to just remind me that he is thinking of me etc. or that he is proud of me for something, or excited about our future, etc. That would be really good for me. I’ve said it to him, I’m not sure how to say it again and again without it being overbearing and needy/clingy….

    Maybe a script?!



  42.  #42Femininewoman on April 30, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    Syreena I felt very sad reading your comments. I believe it is only a woman who doesn’t value herself who could call herself those names or be with a man who would call her that. I can’t imagine.



  43.  #43Femininewoman on April 30, 2013 at 1:06 pm

    Elsie, actually I wouldn’t. The comment borders on nagging. Rome wasn’t built in a day and when people aren’t used to this while growing up it won’t come naturally to them nor will they change overnight. I suspect that as a child you didn’t get it much either which is a reason you crave it so much now. I imagine he is doing the best he knows how and either forgets to say it or feels somewhat uncomfortable about saying it. Or maybe he just wants you to trust that he constantly feel that way about you. I also imagine that he would want it to be his idea to give this to you.

    I would try to be the change I want to see in the world and maybe genuinely look for areas where I could give him words of affirmation/appreciation without looking for anything in return.



  44.  #44Femininewoman on April 30, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    I also think about the book Keeping Your Love Tank Full



  45.  #45Femininewoman on April 30, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    Also Is Your Love Tank Full



  46.  #46Mercedes on April 30, 2013 at 1:14 pm

    FW: This is pretty much what I was going to say only I would have probably ended up doing it much less eloquently: “I would try to be the change I want to see in the world and maybe genuinely look for areas where I could give him words of affirmation/appreciation without looking for anything in return.”

    Beautiful 🙂

    Elsie: You’ve given him three of the 5 love languages that you need consistently. Does he have two others as well? I’m sure he probably does and I think you could provide those for him consistently to be an example of what YOU want.

    I think with you practicing multiple languages in the order he needs them, he will probably be inspired to practice more than one for you as well.

    He may be focused on the one you told him is TRULY your love language (acts of service) but the one time you asked him for that act and he said yes, (which would have also given you language #2 on your list – quality time), you and your neighbors took care of it for him and he didn’t have the opportunity. He might not even realize you wanted him to then move on to language #3 (words of affirmation)…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  47.  #47Dominique on April 30, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    Elsie – 37 – How about loving what you are getting right now, thinking it’s perfect for you?

    I used to want this too, and it took me a long time to realize that this just isn’t in his make up as a person. It doesn’t come naturally and would sound forced and trite is he did.

    So I reveled instead in what he was giving me what is SO much.

    I now much prefer his way to what I though I wanted. It may take time, yet it will save you much heart ache any stress if you can get to this place and maybe sooner than I.

    Try to let this go. The more you let this go, the more you are likely to get it eventually, but it won’t matter because you weren’t looking for it anymore.

    As for being needy, aren’t we all in some way? We need each other as humans, and for most of us, we are hard wired to want to partner with another being.

    I told K upfront that I was starved for attention and affection, and it may never be enough. Fortunately for me, this is his major way to show love.

    Yes it would feel lovely to meet you one day. If you’re ever in the NYC/NJ area, let me know.

    xxoo



  48.  #48Brenda on April 30, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I am at my end… nothing else has worked -but reading your website blog, I know now I did it all wrong – everything! I met and fell in love with husband when I was 16 and he was 19. That was 33 years ago… we’ve been married for 29 years in July. But I did the opposite of everything you say… I wanted more intimacy and only pushed him further away with all my begging and prodding, then when that didn’t work I nagged and was resentful… then I’d beg again and back and forth it went for years. He thought I was crazy and kept trying to get me to get help. I would do anything so I did… and for the longest time they found nothing, but now think I have Adult ADHD… but none of that matters… he had enough and moved out over a year ago. Again, before I found your site… I pretty much sealed the deal with my begging and pleading, texting till all hours of the night… it was just impossible for me to sit still and watch him throw our whole life away. We have a beautiful 15 year old daughter – whom we struggled to have after 10 years of infertility treatments… and now she is caught in the middle. She got so sick of me crying and losing it that she went to live with him for a while – till I get my head together!

    He is the only man I have ever loved and I know he still loves me. At least he did until last January, when he filed for divorce. That is when I lost it totally and it has been a rollercoaster every since. The divorce will be final in 2 months if I sign the papers now… 3 months if I wait till the deadline.

    I bought your book and am reading it now. I was losing my mind today – I’m acting like such an idiot! (he’s no perfect guy either – he’s made lots of his own mistakes too, but I definitely outweigh him). I love him… I want my family back. I’m almost 50 and I can’t imagine a life without him. I opened your website and found this post! OMG!! Could there still be hope?

    Please, oh please… I know it is probably hopeless… but I would give anything if someone had advice for me. I know I need to leave him alone. That is the key. But every time I try, we get thrown back together because of my daughter and I blow it! HELP!!!

    Is there anyone who has been this close to losing him and still got him back? Is there any way to get him to look at me in a positive way again?

    Sincerely,

    BG



  49.  #49Kristine on April 30, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    Great exercises Rori! I too am having trouble reading the fine print (expected results) in the link. How can we get a larger image?



  50.  #50Olivia on April 30, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    Dominique! You are in the NJ/NY area? I would love to meet you…I am so intrigued by possibly making a career change and becoming a therapist/social worker focusing on relationships and love and sex. 🙂 I suppose I should just check out your website for contact info but I am so excited to see this!

    And Elsie -I continue to relate to your comments and feel that you are handling these situations with grace and it gives me a “smile” at myself that I am learning to handle them with grace as well. Yay to us.



  51.  #51Kristine on April 30, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    My experience with Facebook has been not to friend men and here’s why. Men love to “collect” women friends. Especially if you are pretty. Its a big ego boost for them, and they can show off to their guy friends how many women they have in their collection. And many naive women (non-goddesses) fall for that and think ooooh his interested in me because he wants to be friends. When in reality, he’s got hundreds just like you…

    Also, by friending you they can keep pestering you for attention with pokes and meaningless messages that don’t go anywhere.

    In addition, they get to see and learn all about you from your posts, pics, etc., which ruins the mystery and doesn’t entice him to ask you out (or call you) to get to know you. Its way too much information. And if he sees something he doesn’t like, he may never contact you.

    Best is to let him get to know you slowly. Same goes for dating site profiles. Too much info can be a turnoff. All men need to see is your smile and pretty face and they have to take action to get to know you.

    If you want to be put in the “just friends” category, then friend him. Otherwise, don’t. Remember, its not offensive to men. They are not women and won’t feel hurt by you rejecting their request to be friends. In fact, it will challenge a real man and raises your degree of difficulty, which makes you MORE interesting and attractive.

    If you really like the guy, don’t be his friend. Ignore his facebook request and wait to see what happens.

    Kristine



  52.  #52Kristine on April 30, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    Elsie,

    Just wondering why you texted him that you did most of the work yourself?

    I get the sense you want, and need, to feel like a strong woman and are looking for validation from him. But you are a strong woman! Look inside yourself for that validation. That’s not what men are for.

    Also, texting men, or telling them what you can do or have done, is not leaning back, being soft and open. It feels masculine. Its what a man would say, trying to impress his woman, and looking for appreciation.

    Try turning this around. Look for things HE does, whether for you or others, and tell him how much you appreciate him or are impressed. That makes him feel like a man, and is very attractive.

    Don’t talk about all the things you’ve accomplished as in look “I took charge” kind of way. Save that for business relationships or for your girlfriends. You can still discuss things you accomplished with your man, but if you want romance, talk about it in a different, more feminine way, like how it felt…

    For example, I felt so proud of myself because I cleaned up my yard (or won that award)…. or I felt so tired after lifting the heavy boxes…or I feel sooo excited and happy because I finally got the tickets I’ve always wanted!!!

    I’d forget the love languages book. I’ve read it, tried it with my ex, and it doesn’t really work in my view. Everyone does and speaks in all of the 5 ways and it doesn’t draw the man in or make them appreciate you. What draws them in is speaking in a feminine way (with feeling words), leaning back, asking what he thinks. When you start to feel more like a woman, and he starts to act more like a man, you will both feel amazing and you may notice he will start complimenting you more often and talking more about the future with you.

    Kristine



  53.  #53Libelula on April 30, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    Kristine – 50. Wow – You make an excellent case for not fb friending a cd. thanks



  54.  #54Libelula on April 30, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    I attended a silent meditation retreat recently & this is what I learned. While I was thinking over and over again about my situation, I stopped myself and thought – “when can I ever stop thinking about this? I’m so tired of it – it’s boring.” A beat later the leader said, “When you find yourself having repetitive thoughts, ask yourself ‘What would I be feeling if I wasn’t thinking this?'” So I stopped and listened to my feelings & really sunk into them. And I stopped having repetitive thoughts about my situation. I hope this can be helpful to others.



  55.  #55Kristine on April 30, 2013 at 2:47 pm

    And Elsie, YES you CAN have it all! You just have to put on your “girl” hat and stop being the boy in the relationship. Doing for him, moving his stuff…telling him what to do…that’s boy stuff. Put your “boy” hat on at work. But take it off when you get home. Let your man be the man in the relationship. Then you will get his acts of service, time and words of love!

    Kristine



  56.  #56Kristine on April 30, 2013 at 2:51 pm

    Thanks Libelula. Yes sinking into our feelngs is the key. I used to be afraid of feeling, I was always thinking and didn’t even know how I felt. It takes practice to become more in tune with your body.

    Kristine



  57.  #57Syreena on April 30, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    Kristine 51.

    I felt curious about the texting and leaning forward to.

    If I were a man I would not feel needed anymore,
    I believe they want to feel needed. And want to help.
    What they don’t like is a woman demanding that he help right now and ordering them about like a boss, teacher or sergeant major would. Subtle but different.

    The problem I personally have is that I do not like asking for help a lot of the time.

    I am getting that it is about expressing our needs and wants and that the right man hearing this will, offer and want to give us what we want. The problem is when we want a specific man to be that man.



  58.  #58Kris on April 30, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    What do you do when you’re heart is aching, you haven’t heard from a guy you’ve broken up with a d it been weeks. Does he not care even though he’s a sensitive, caring person? Should I call/text to see how the kind lies? He said he’s feelings had changed as we kept bickering.



  59.  #59Kristine on April 30, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    Syreena, yes you are right. If you act like the boy in the relationship, the man doesn’t feel needed. Asking for help is not a bad thing. It doesn’t make us needy or weak.

    I never used to like asking anyone for help. Thought I could do it all myself. That’s just so silly. Its a fear of having to depend on someone. A fear of trusting that others will take care of you and treat you well.

    When you trust yourself that you won’t be putting yourself into a bad situation, and that you are an adult and can always get out of it, then it frees you up to rely upon others and ask them for help.

    Asking for what you want is not demanding and not telling a man how to do it or when to do it. The ball is then in his court to figure it out. And its a good test. If he doesn’t listen and doesn’t deliver, he’s just not the right guy for you. Very simple.

    Kristine



  60.  #60Syreena on April 30, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    42: Femininewoman says

    “Syreena I felt very sad reading your comments. I believe it is only a woman who doesn’t value herself who could call herself those names or be with a man who would call her that. I can’t imagine.”

    Yes I believe you are right.
    I also believe that society trains women to value themselves less than men.



  61.  #61Mercedes on April 30, 2013 at 3:11 pm

    I have to kind of disagree with “forgetting the love languages book”. I’m more of the thought that everyone on the planet should read it. Not because it “works” (although it certainly couldn’t hurt in drawing a man closer) but more because it teaches us about the differences in the ways we all give and receive love and it helps to open our hearts and minds to those around us…what they need…what they want…how they express…what makes them happy clear down in their hearts.

    I think it goes hand in hand with what Rori teaches and in no way see where it would ever diminish her concept of being the girl. It’s a wonderful book in my view. I’ve actually given it as a gift to others. I’m not sure what the value would be in “forgetting” it unless the goal really is to try to find something that “works” rather than something that simply cultivates a space of emotional understanding and empathy as well as tools we can use to “hear” each other’s love.

    For me, the book goes right along with what Rori and Dominique both teach (specifically Dominique’s releasing expectations and watching for what our partners are giving us in their own ways. Teaching us to be aware. And Rori’s tools of teaching us to inspire our men rather than lead them).

    Not sure why it struck me as so odd that someone would say to “forget” it or that you “tried it” and it “doesn’t really work” but I would encourage you Kristine to give it another read. It really is all about love and understanding which does actually “work” to bring a man closer. Actually, when we implement love and understanding, it “works” every single time in my experience.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  62.  #62Kristine on April 30, 2013 at 3:18 pm

    Kris, I’m so sorry to hear you are suffering. We’ve all been there. It is really hard…I know.
    The way I got over a breakup was to keep on repeating to myself that “I don’t want a man who doesn’t want me”. Over and over and over. I also told myself it was an “imaginary relationship” and that we had “different values” because he didn’t want a relationship (with me). I kept telling myself I want a man who wants me. Who wants a good relationship. Who shares the same values. Who does stuff for me, communicates with me, loves me. I started imagining what being with a man like this would feel like. Not his face, just feeling the feelings of being held, cared for, loved, wanted…Keep focusing on that.

    Also grieving, reading about grieving, helps. You have to feel your way through this. The sadness, the hurt, the anger, the frustration, will swell up now and again. Just do NOT act upon it. You cannot text or email or call him. That is chasing after him and appears like desperation.

    Then once you are ready, get outside and find something fun to do to distract yourself for a while. Call up some girlfriends or go visit family (provided they are people who make you happy). Do things for yourself that you usually enjoy. Do something you’ve always wanted to do.

    Put your profile up on a dating site and start smiling or winking at other men. Let them contact you. Getting attention from men who WANT you will help you forget this guy. Keep reminding yourself that you don’t want a man who doesn’t want you.

    Kristine



  63.  #63Kristine on April 30, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    Mercedes,

    Maybe I should give the book another read. Its been a while. “Forget” was too strong of a word. Maybe not focusing on it is better. I agree, it does make us more aware of how others express their love.

    I just remember sharing the love languages I wanted with my ex, and asking him the same, and it didn’t work for us. It felt forced. Like trying to get someone else to act or speak in a certain way. I didn’t know about Rori’s tools back then. I found Rori’s tools and applied them and they worked marvelously. Then I received all the love languages I needed, and vice versa (but with a different man), without even thinking about them. It just happens naturally.

    Kristine



  64.  #64Kristine on April 30, 2013 at 3:42 pm

    Also, one has to be careful when applying love languages. A lot of it sounds like giving or hanging on to a man (acts of service, touching, etc.), and we women already have a tendency to give too much.

    It could help us focus on receiving instead, to be able to recognize how a man gives love. And to give back.

    I think it is more important to lean back and learn to receive, than it is to learn how to give to a man in the language he wants. Just my opinion.



  65.  #65Indigo on April 30, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    Kris,

    This might be helpful to you, but today a dear friend said to me, when I said my heart was aching, “it’s supposed to hurt”. Yes it is. I thought the hurt meant that something was amiss, that something was wrong. But the hurt is the pulling, the disinvesting in someone who is not right for us. It hurts, and you just need to bear the pain and soothe yourself where you can.

    The fact that he’s not contacting you doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. I realised men are totally different from us in this way. They compartmentalise things, and to them, they need to come out of relationship mode in order to heal, and this includes not contacting you.

    You could reach out to him, but what would that achieve? He’s not in a place to be in a relationship with you, or else he would be, so would this not just cause you disappointment?



  66.  #66Syreena on April 30, 2013 at 3:48 pm

    61: Kristine says:

    “Kris, I’m so sorry to hear you are suffering. We’ve all been there. It is really hard…I know.
    The way I got over a breakup was to keep on repeating to myself that “I don’t want a man who doesn’t want me”. Over and over and over. I also told myself it was an “imaginary relationship” and that we had “different values” because he didn’t want a relationship (with me). I kept telling myself I want a man who wants me. Who wants a good relationship. Who shares the same values. Who does stuff for me, communicates with me, loves me. I started imagining what being with a man like this would feel like. Not his face, just feeling the feelings of being held, cared for, loved, wanted…Keep focusing on that.

    Also grieving, reading about grieving, helps. You have to feel your way through this. The sadness, the hurt, the anger, the frustration, will swell up now and again. Just do NOT act upon it. You cannot text or email or call him. That is chasing after him and appears like desperation.

    Then once you are ready, get outside and find something fun to do to distract yourself for a while. Call up some girlfriends or go visit family (provided they are people who make you happy). Do things for yourself that you usually enjoy. Do something you’ve always wanted to do.

    Put your profile up on a dating site and start smiling or winking at other men. Let them contact you. Getting attention from men who WANT you will help you forget this guy. Keep reminding yourself that you don’t want a man who doesn’t want you.”

    I love this.

    Kristine



  67.  #67Indigo on April 30, 2013 at 3:50 pm

    Kristine,

    I very much agree with you about the Facebook thing.

    I’m not sure I would even be FB friends with the next guy I get involved with. I feel so much better when I’m not on FB much when it comes to the guys that I date, to me it feels like a bit of a minefield 🙂



  68.  #68Indigo on April 30, 2013 at 3:55 pm

    A revelation I have had in the last couple of days:

    Because a guy is not able to do the relationship I want with me has nothing to do with my loveableness. It may sound obvious, yet I have just had a real revelation of this.

    Other people’s inability to give to me or meet my needs has nothing to do with me. I get to choose how I respond to that by making choices which hurt me the least. And I get to stop expecting certain things of people who are unable to provide it.

    Yay 🙂 this ties in with my love for me 🙂



  69.  #69Kristine on April 30, 2013 at 3:56 pm

    Kris, yes Indigo is right, the fact he doesn’t contact you doesn’t mean he doesn’t care…but you have to let him go. The reason it hurts is it feels like abandonment, and some of that pain could be coming up from your past as well. You have to hug your inner little girl and and tell yourself everything will be fine. You are ok. You are one super fox and any man who doesn’t see that doesn’t deserve you!

    Reading the funny book “He’s just not that into you” may also help. It boosts your self esteem, to realize how great you are, and helps you not to do the texting or calling thing.

    Kristine



  70.  #70Indigo on April 30, 2013 at 4:15 pm

    I realised that with D, even if he were to give me the commitment I wanted, it wouldn’t matter because he is unable to do relationship. I know this because I had it. He did commit to me exclusively, and what does this mean at the end of the day except that I could have the dubious honour of saying I had a boyfriend? He is not capable of doing an actual relationship.

    This made it so much easier for me to let him go. It feels so good since I have realised and accepted this. I have abandoned all hope in my mind that it will be what I want it to be and this is very freeing. I am free emotionally to flirt with and date other men.

    Have been noticing compliments from men more, and am enjoying the yummy e-mails I am getting on the dating site 🙂



  71.  #71k2012 on April 30, 2013 at 4:33 pm

    Hi ladies, good evening to u all. Haven’t gotten a chance to read this new post yet but I just wanted to comment on what some ladies said on the previous thread when I was speaking about the conversation I had with my friend. Someone on the blog says that men sometimes say things and don’t mean it. That is so true. As well as some of them change their minds.So they tell u they want a serious relationship which they do for true but somewhere along that line they change their mind and downgrade u to “friend”. It happens to many women. As far as u and him were concerned, u are his girlfriend and he is your boyfriend and u are shocked to hear sometime later, they are calling u “friend.” Rori posted in many of her newsletters this same thing. When I hear disappearing ex refer to me as “one of his girlfriends”, I froze and my mouth fell open. He didn’t know I had heard. I was serving jim dinner. I was actually dishing it out in a plate and he was in my living room talking to his friend on the phone when he made the comment. I suppose that that should have gave me a clue when he disappeared. Didn’t remember the comment until sometime later. I will call back my friend a little later. In other news, the guy who my sister told me about who she gave my number too has not called. I think she gave him my number from Sunday. If he calls, its ok. If he doesn’t call, it STILL okay. Maybe he has cold feet, u know how they are or maybe he has changed his mind cause not all men like long distance relationships. My sister says its his loss. Its okay. Hairdresser/relationship counsellor has warned me about long distance relationships and based on how accurate she is I will listen. How I pray for a husband is that I ask God to help me to meet the right man and I ask him to show me a sign either way so that I can know whether or not a man who I meet is the right or the wrong person for me. So if he is the right person, I ask him to show me a sign, in other words give me some evidence to show me if he is right for me. If he is the wrong person, give me the evidence to show that he is the wrong person and remove that person from my life before I get too invested in them.



  72.  #72k2012 on April 30, 2013 at 4:38 pm

    *i was serving him dinner, “not serving Jim dinner. Lol



  73.  #73prplpsn28 on April 30, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    Well once again I feel disappointed. Tonight was supposed to be mine and H’s usual every Tuesday night get together (I did like Dominique and a couple others suggested from the other thread and PLANNED on it). He sent me a text earlier today and informed me that he had taken a day off of work. He continued to text about whatever but said nothing about our meeting. Here it is 7:30 and nothing! I feel so disappointed, frustrated, sad, hurt. I feel like I don’t even want to reply should I hear from him again tonight. After all….he had a day off. So it’s not like we are doing what we usually do and waiting to see how things go with his work.

    I did take a 7 mile bike ride with my youngest daughter tho and it was awesome. We had some mother/daughter bonding and it took my mind off of him. But now that I’m back home it’s hard to not think about it. Ugh!

    Just got on this new thread so will have to catch up. Just needed to get this out. Any ideas Dominique? Mercedes? FW? Anyone? I’m going to keep leaning back. I will not contact him. But should he contact me do I respond? Do I ask what happened about tonight?



  74.  #74k2012 on April 30, 2013 at 5:43 pm

    “When your man leaves you or starts to pull away, you need to accept that you’ve probably done something to cause it. I know this is painful to admit, but when it comes to getting your man back, changing YOUR behavior patterns is the fastest way to clear the path to reconnecting with him.” Omg, I can’t believe this. Its a good thing I decided to go right to the thread and read it. While I don’t want my ex back, I am sure this wonderful information and tools will certainly help women who want their men back. This statement hit me like a ton of bricks–“When your man leaves you or starts to pull away, you need to accept that you’ve probably done something to cause it.”



  75.  #75Elsie on April 30, 2013 at 5:48 pm

    @43 – Feminine Woman. Perfect. Exactly what I needed to hear. I got a lot of love as a child- but it was all conditional love – I had to do exactly and be exactly as my mother wanted me to be, then she loved me. Or at least that is how it always felt. So, yes, I crave this, and feel as if I do my own thing, love will “go away.” He does want me to trust that I constantly am loved by him. He has said something similar to that – he said – my feelings never change for you – ever.

    @46 Mercedes – Thank you as well. I just wonder though….am I settling for crumbs if I am not getting EVERYTHING? Is it even possible to get EVERYTHING??? How do you know if you are settling? He does the other two very well. Well, quality time he does when he can. I wish there were more of that – but wow, we do talk in person about 3 hours every day….but I would like more alone time, but thats a logistical thing. I think that the words of affirmaiton would make the lower amounts of quality time better for me if that makes sense.

    @47 – Dominique – I definitely think it will never come naturally to him to just lavish me with words of affirmaiton. When we are alone and intimate and just us talking about things in the quiet of the night, we do talk much more sensitively and openly about things. I guess I just wish I had more of that all the time. 🙂

    @49 Olivia – That made me smile that you think I have grace. Wow – do I have you fooled too. 🙂

    @Kristine – I did not do any work for HIM. This was stuff in my house that was my stuff that needed to be moved. And I texted him that I did the work myself because frankly, I was not thrilled with asking him to do it because it would have had to be done at 11pm at night and etc etc and I was so proud of myself that I did it myself. I am on my own in my house now, and I love the fact that he helps me and I love the fact that I can help myself too. 🙂 Also, I HAD to text him, because he HAD to know whether to come out or not. And I guess I’ll have to disagree with you on the love languages book – I love that book. 🙂

    I certainly didnt order him around or emasculate him in any way at all. In fact it was just the opposite – and that really wasnt my issue. 🙂 I dont want to be completely helpless. I want to GENUINELY ask for his help when I GENUINELY need it. Otherwise I look like a silly girl who cant do anything. I dont want to be his child, I want to be his partner.

    Also while I’m thinking of it – along with the Five Love Languages – I”m a HUGE fan of the Queens Code online and also the Language of Love and Respect. Fabulous books.

    @69 Indigo – Very true. I had a husband. But in name only. NOT in the true sense of the word. So I totally understand what you are saying.

    At the end of the day, I really need to just work on seeing what my TRUE level of need of affirmation is – and then figure out if that is HEALTHY, and THEN figure out if he can give it to me.

    Wow – thats a lot of work. Can I just have a glass of wine and watch Arrested Development instead? 🙂 LOL.



  76.  #76Zia on April 30, 2013 at 5:49 pm

    Saw this on the site yesterday and instantly downloaded it and started on it today. Thank you Rori, it’s perfect!!



  77.  #77Jessie1000 on April 30, 2013 at 6:01 pm

    Hey girls. I tried a new thing with online dating. I changed my looking for status to …hang out/no commitment. Just for fun. I did it and discovered that men reacted really differently to it than I thought…they said ohhh what if I like you, you dont want to be my girlfriend??? Wierd eh? It was like reverse psychology or something. All of a sudden I was in power and they seemed all anxious, like what you doing, who with, why are you thinking that way, waht if they get hurt???? Ha ha its a funny experiment…try it!
    I guess I never did that before, even when I just wanted to be single because I felt that was immoral or something with kids at home!!!! Discovering new things about myself.



  78.  #78Dominique on April 30, 2013 at 6:04 pm

    Olivia – 49 – I would love that.

    xxoo



  79.  #79k2012 on April 30, 2013 at 6:04 pm

    I started reading the newsletter with the tools. Will finish it Later tomorrow. This thread could not have come at a better time. Thank you Rori for all that you do. I cannot forget the tremendous help that I received from your newsletters shortly after my breakup. A real eye opener to how we should deal with relationships.



  80.  #80Dominique on April 30, 2013 at 6:13 pm

    Purple – 72 – “I feel disappointed we didn’t see each other today. I missed you.”

    or

    “I feel confused. I understood we were to see each other tonight. I feel disappointed. I missed you.”

    “Is there anything you want to tell me/share with me?”

    xxoo



  81.  #81Dominique on April 30, 2013 at 6:16 pm

    Elsie – 74 – You are only settling if you are tolerating deal breaker behavior.

    I’m asking you to open your mind and heart to HIS way. This may change, and this may not. Can you love and accept him right now, just as he is?

    Can you love HIS way maybe even more than yours or what you THINK you want from him?

    No one is perfect whatever this is, yet he can be perfect for you, faults, idiosyncrasies, and all.

    xxoo



  82.  #82Elsie on April 30, 2013 at 6:23 pm

    @Dominique – Its true that no one is perfect. I wonder if he was put in front of me in my life to make sure that I learned the lesson that I dont NEED affirmation from someone else to know that I am loved and am deserving of love. Its a lesson I really need to learn. Its just so hard when you crave that reassurance so badly.

    I dont think it is a dealbreaker for me simply because he shows up for me in so many other ways. Also because I know that this is how he is and that reassuring me on a daily basis with words of affirmation would just never be him. But wow….it would feel so good…..

    Of course, I had the “words” when I was married. I just never had any acts of service. I’ll take action over words any day. 🙂



  83.  #83Dominique on April 30, 2013 at 6:24 pm

    Elsie – I was thinking while driving home a bit ago about looking to K for validation, praise for things I have done, as you have been doing with your man, and many times I have felt disappointed in this.

    For two reasons – one is that there were expectations all over this, and I see this in you here too, and the other is that some men, many men don’t work this way, and trying to get him to change in this will only give you more disappointment.

    It took me a long time to figure out that just because K doesn’t verbalize he feels admiration or pride, this doesn’t mean he doesn’t.

    Yet for the most part in this, his brain as many other men’s is not wired to do this. Yes he will praise my cooking or how I look, just like most men, yet in other things such as the work I do on my website or the creation of my video program or how I danced in class today or any number of other things, he doesn’t.

    I used to think it was indifference, yet it isn’t. Again it’s just how he is wired.

    So I learned to go elsewhere for this, to women friends and mentors who LOVE to lavish me with this, for this is so typically a woman’s thing.

    Not so much a man. Not all men of course, yet it is a tendency.

    xxoo



  84.  #84Zia on April 30, 2013 at 6:35 pm

    Kris: sending lots of love to you. Don’t be afraid of feeling the bad stuff. Things will get better, and I agree with what everyone else has said to you 🙂



  85.  #85Elsie on April 30, 2013 at 6:51 pm

    @Dominique – First of all how honored am I that you are thinking of me haha! 🙂 So sweet!!!!

    Yes, I agree. Men are wired differently. They are not hairy women LOL – they are a totally different animal. 🙂 I need to remember this, but I have beenwith men in the past that were very good at reassuring me. Of course, when the rubber hit the road, they were horrible at actually helping and being a partner.

    Its funny that you say that your guy wont really validate or reassure you on your website and your accomplishments. Its odd to me because men seek that themselves, so you would THINK that they would give that back to women. I dont get it haha!!

    And you are totally right – there are expectations all over that. I have the HARDEST TIME with that Dominique – seriously – I do. I just have had that in my head my whole life and I got it from my mom. She had in her head the way everything was supposed to go – and she wouldnt tell anyone waht that was – but when it went a different way – as life does, we were all in trouble. Ugh. I hate that I even have a tendency towards that – but I know that I do.

    I have to say the times that I have allowed myself to TRULY not have any expectations, I have been so surprised.

    I just wish that happened more often. Huh. I just had a thought. It cant happen more often, unless I am the one that releases the expectations. Huh. Ok – well, the ball is back in my court.

    LOL. As per usual. 🙂



  86.  #86Dominique on April 30, 2013 at 6:57 pm

    Elsie – You’re awesome. 🙂 It takes practice, and even then, once in awhile you may find yourself holding onto them, yet the more adept you become at this, the easier it is to laugh at yourself, love whatever just transpired, and carry on.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  87.  #87Vi on April 30, 2013 at 8:24 pm

    I discovered I seek for sexual validation in a man I’m with. That feels like whining and dependence and controlness and jealousy and stiffness in shoulders. I feel excited to own this part of me ever since.



  88.  #88Daria on April 30, 2013 at 9:56 pm

    i met a new cd it felt disappointing i think he didnt like me

    i am healing this!

    another CD through the text complained to me that we didnt meet and that he knew something was off about me, though he never brought up the plans he talked about making today

    and Neighbor CD hung out with me and we did our mastermind group (we’re friends) and he worked out with me… T-tapp…

    and got me food

    yay

    🙂



  89.  #89Pretty Fish on April 30, 2013 at 10:44 pm

    Thank you so much Rori;
    it has been about 10 days since we broke up ; I finally got to leave and move in where it feels right and safe;

    I have begun EFT for my molestation / victim issues, and I felt light and actually felt the release of trapped emotions I didn’t know were there; I even felt helpless like I was supposed to be a superhero when I had to be with my 12-year-old self..like I needed to be superhuman to make things better for her..I got to tell her that I heard her and that it was okay and acknowledged she had to squash down a lot of feelings for a 12 year old..I felt understanding, physical in my body understanding about how I felt unheard and victimized my whole life in many situations, which manifested as more molestation experiences, racist attacks as well as bullying in my PhD program..because I was squashing myself down for many many years….I am going back for more sessions and I am practising leaning back .. I did tell him my online message I started my EFT and was happy but I see it was leaning forward for sure. I felt I wanted to let him know I was feeling happy now, but I am going to follow your bootcamp, perfect timing THANK YOU SO MUCH RORI, time to take care of ME , time to become an expert at loving ME 🙂



  90.  #90Tereana on April 30, 2013 at 11:39 pm

    Nice! I like the little poster Rori made, and how it’s all like “Boot camp” for your heart muscle. very cute 🙂

    Daria – the blog is not the same without you on it!



  91.  #91Tereana on April 30, 2013 at 11:43 pm

    Wow, buying my bathing suit today was very empowering. It was sexy, and it was just my size. Amazing. And it turned out that, yesterday, when I was trying the suits on, I inspired the woman who was helping me to buy one very similar : ) Go me! 🙂

    Afterward, I felt soooo sexy. Suddenly, I wanted to talk to CCB, but he wasn’t calling me. So I amused myself – *ahem*

    I figured he was thinking about me. But the man is a mystery, I will tell you that.

    And meanwhile, I had a good conversation with a therapist that I might work with. She’s very expensive, and I don’t honestly know if I can afford it. But this is really important. I need myself and I need my sanity. I can’t really function without them, and I’ve been running on steam for a very long time. There is so much that I want to do. And right now, I am just concentrating on living a life of abundance. Help me manifest it by putting some good energy on it!

    Thank you! Butterfly kisses and sparkle dust! : )



  92.  #92Indigo on April 30, 2013 at 11:59 pm

    I believe that it is ok to love someone who cannot meet your needs, or who cannot be worthy of you at the moment.

    You just have to put your love for them in a box and leave it in the cupboard, or leave it in the dust, or leave it at home when you go out and live your life. You don’t have to take it out and look at it very often, and it doesn’t hurt any more when you realise this has nothing to do with you, it just is what it is.

    I believe it is ok to look at someone and say, “I love you, but you just cannot meet my needs at the moment.”



  93.  #93Indigo on May 1, 2013 at 12:04 am

    It hurts for a long time though. I remember when I first got to this place with my parents, who didn’t meet my needs as a child. I hurt for a long time wishing they would do all the things I wanted them to do.

    When I finally got to the point where I put my love for them in a box and decided it wasn’t going to hurt me any more, and released them from any expectations to meet my needs. It hurt at the time, but it was very freeing.

    Using the blog as a bit of a journal here, so excuse me!



  94.  #94Vi on May 1, 2013 at 12:13 am

    The more love arrows I get the angrier and more irritated I feel. I feel scared of my my mad feelings. And upset. I feel my heart shutting down. I love my anger. I love mad feelings. I love my frustration. I wish I knew what’s happening.. 🙁 I feel sad. I love my sadness.



  95.  #95Kris on May 1, 2013 at 12:26 am

    Thanks for all of your comments. The thing is I kind of broke things off and he was so upset but then came back and said well yes there is something wrong as we keep bickering (not huge arguments just silly – mainly about how his mother treated me). But if he still cares why haven’t I heard a thing or is he over me? I know I need to concentrate on me but I am hurting bad 🙁



  96.  #96Kris on May 1, 2013 at 12:35 am

    Sorry me again, also people say change your vibe for when you see him but I don’t see him so how will he know? My head is telling me so many things like he’s got a new girl, he’s relieved not to be with me and other negative things. It’s hard to stop that. Weekends are hardest as all of my girlfriends (well nearly) are married. Sorry to ask for more advice….



  97.  #97Kath on May 1, 2013 at 12:37 am

    Oh my am I glad that I found Rori and all of you wonderful Sirens!- I love reading all the posts and find it incredibly helpful and empowering. In looking at myself, I know what I have done wrong to make my guy distant and feel that he has no confidence in our relationship; I thought I could help him!- so I made a huge decison and moved into HIS house to HELP HIM pay all the bills and keep the house so that he didn’t lose everything and come out of a 25yr marriage with nothing. In hindsight, I really should have stayed in my lovely little house that I had and not taken that step- It was after all HIS problem and I did my usual thing of wanting to help!- and then when I am helping, to the point of not having any money for a life!- I start resenting it and taking it out on him- because its my fault I’m here and I feel trapped!- OMG, everything in the relationship was wonderful before I moved in to his house but that was because I was in a different place, so now I’m heading back to that place I was in. I am doing the tools Rori!- Day two here we go!



  98.  #98sophie on May 1, 2013 at 1:31 am

    Hi Kris

    I’m sorry that you’re in that place that is so painful. the things that I took and have taken from Rori that helped me were as follows:

    a man’s timeline is very different from a woman’s. We tend to be in the feelings very quickly whereas a man takes much longer to ( i dont know what the right words are) process or engage or recognise theirs. She also says (I think) that they often come back but it can be on their timeline not ours. I had a very painful break up last year and literally had to work with that pain on a daily basis. He did come back but it took him three months! We still didn’t get back together – our relationship had been very volatile and abusive – but it was nice to get the validation from him. I recently pulled back from a man who I’d been seeing and he didn’t want any commitment. He also came back and that took him about two weeks.

    The things that I did after the very painful break up (and I completely identify with the horrible voices which are full of fear as to what might be happening) were:

    as the others said told myself that i don’t want to be with a man who doesn’t want to be with me as much as I want to be with him, who isn’t right for me etc etc (if they are right for you they will come back)

    a did A LOT of positive affirmation, visualising what I want my life and my relationship to look like

    Practicised letting him go in my mind even to the point of visualising cutting psychic cords that may be keeping us bound

    wrote things out

    wrote out lists of what i want in my life

    Cried a lot

    Did all the nice things for myself: I was lucky enough to be able to go on a holiday and chilled out and read and re-grouped

    went on a dating website and felt the attention and energy of other men

    kept myself safe from other men: i was very vulnerable and not really in a place where I was strong enough to be actually dating

    I also did a lot of work on self-soothing my fears and looking at them

    ****

    also with regards to the vibe thing Rori says they can feel it even if they’re not in our presence. I believe this too have you ever noticed when you might be talking about someone or being flirted with and all of a sudden that person you’re talking about or the man you’re interested in calls? 🙂 🙂 🙂



  99.  #99sophie on May 1, 2013 at 1:33 am

    Go Kath! 🙂 I like the awareness that you seem to have about your situation 🙂 and that with that awareness you can work to make things better for yourself 🙂 xx



  100.  #100sophie on May 1, 2013 at 1:34 am

    Rori 🙂 🙂 I LOVE this tool – I’m not going through a break up or wanting a man back but I think it works anyway just as a general rule for any woman 🙂 🙂



  101.  #101Kris on May 1, 2013 at 1:59 am

    Thanks Sophie – I think I would feel better if he called me at least I would know he cared. He asked if he could stay in touch but I said no. It was a weird break up as neither of us were sure it was over and he even said I can’t believe you and I are sat here – I thought we would get through anything but he said he had stuff to sort out! He hadn’t long left his wife when I met him (he’d left her 5 days earlier) but he said he never regretted leaving her and I believe that. So where is he?? :'(



  102.  #102sophie on May 1, 2013 at 2:14 am

    @99 I want to say all these things like maybe he’s honouring your no contact or maybe he’s ‘sorting out his things’ but the truth is we never can know not until there’s communication. The only thing we really can know is how we are and work with that. Sometimes I try and working on trusting; that everything is working out for me and all is well. Rori has said it before I think because it resonated with me that there is growth in the process and Ive begun to engage with that idea a bit more. I have always had overwhelming anxiety especially with regards to men ‘going’ or ‘being away from me’; as someone else said abandonment I guess and I’ve always wanted – not just with men – to reach out immediately and fix things to know that I’m ok, safe, loved whatever. Through being put in situations where I can’t do this Ive discovered that much happens in the process of waiting and being, both with regards to my own sense of self and with regards to learning about men and their process. I tended to cut my learning off as quick as is possible because it was too painful and maybe missed the gifts that were available.

    I don’t know if any of that is helpful. your situation sounds confusing and i hear your struggle with it. time though is a great healer and transformer and even if its weeks or months and you come back together you might both be in a better place for it????



  103.  #103sophie on May 1, 2013 at 2:16 am

    i also want to clarify i wasnt assuming that your emotional experience is the same as mine and that you experience anxiety etc in the same way just that thats whats been my path 🙂 xx



  104.  #104ruth on May 1, 2013 at 2:27 am

    Morning
    Really helpful reading on here today
    Thank you.I LOVE the box analogy
    But I still cant access the bootcamp
    🙁
    Clicking on the link and then the picture just brings up a tinme version I cant read
    🙁



  105.  #105ruth on May 1, 2013 at 2:27 am

    *tiny*



  106.  #106sophie on May 1, 2013 at 2:31 am

    hi ruth click on the link and then zoom on the screen i zoomed to about 120% – do you know how to do it? xx im using google chrome its the three bars on the right hand corner to zoom



  107.  #107ruth on May 1, 2013 at 2:38 am

    Im on Internet Explorer

    I will have another go
    Thank you Sophie, and also for your helpful post in 100
    xx



  108.  #108sophie on May 1, 2013 at 2:39 am

    🙂 internet explorer bottom right hand to zoom x



  109.  #109ruth on May 1, 2013 at 2:40 am

    YAY!
    I right clicked, saved it as a picture and then made the picture bigger

    Feeling excited to start working on this



  110.  #110Kris on May 1, 2013 at 2:52 am

    Sophie – thank you. I too want to get back in there and sort it but sometimes a little bit of time helps. I need to shut down thinking about this guy who I think is dealing with a lot of issues but still can’t stop wondering. I need to take advise and work on me but just feel very alone without him. The only way I can attract someone and keep them is to change me as I have got a lot of issues around being rejected and that is the one area I don’t know how to change as if a man backs off slightly I suppose push them away by saying look if you don’t wanna be with me just say or shall we have time apart. I feel this is keeping control but maybe its pushed him away and the last time I said hits over he’s maybe thought I’ve had enuf of this I don’t feel safe… Who knows?



  111.  #111sophie on May 1, 2013 at 3:06 am

    I love that you identify that you feel alone without him and that you say you feel you have some stuff around feeling rejected (I have had too and still do…). I love it because you can see it and therefore this situation might be a perfect opportunity for looking at the stuff its highlighted; strengthening the emotional muscle in those areas. I would lavish myself with affection for that. I would say ‘yay’ I’m strengthening my emotional muscle in this area – Yay! ……I would say it every day and when I’m feeling triggered 🙂 Therefore, whatever happens with this man it will have served you for the future either one with him in it or not 🙂

    so easy for me to be excited about that concept when I’m not the one experiencing the pain 🙂 HUGS xxx



  112.  #112Indigo on May 1, 2013 at 3:20 am

    Kris

    Healing from that fear of rejection and abandonment is a long-ish process and does not happen overnight.

    Steer your heart and your life in the direction you want to go.

    Be really gentle with yourself. LAVISH love on yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for your perceived failings in your relationship. Sophie is right, this is highlighting something for you to heal and that is to be celebrated! 🙂



  113.  #113Kris on May 1, 2013 at 3:37 am

    Thank you so so much – I think I do feel strong but then if I’m happy and a relationship and they back away and I’m worried I’m going to be rejected what should I do?? X



  114.  #114sophie on May 1, 2013 at 3:54 am

    I would say practice on the leaning back and focusing on other things and if you practice now then it becomes easier over time. I am still making some major mistakes when I’ve reacted into a situation as I’ve not felt able to sit with the tension but…i’ve also become soooooo much better at allowing a man to pull away and not feel an overwhelming sense of panic but try to focus on me, sit back and watch with a bit more curiosity how things unfold. My focus on me still has to be rigorous though. I’m not able to just float my thoughts in another direction. I SERIOUSLY use affirmation 🙂 repeating things like I am safe, all is well, everything is working out for me, I am loved etc etc I have also become better at recognising that pain and discomfort is transitory and just accept it day by day until it fades away.

    Communication also if you’re in a relationship – maybe asking if theres anything you should know? Even so all the self enhancing tools need to be in place because walking the line of uncertainty can be scary 🙂



  115.  #115Indigo on May 1, 2013 at 3:59 am

    Kris,

    Firstly, don’t assume they are rejecting you. Accept that there are any number of reasons a person could pull away slightly and if possible, try to get to the point where it doesn’t matter what their reasons are. All you know is what you’re going to be doing in the meantime, which is putting that person out of your mind as much as possible and living the best life you can.

    Time will tell if it is a pattern or if he is opting out of the relationship. And if you need to you can ask him, without assumptions, expectations or drama.



  116.  #116sophie on May 1, 2013 at 4:00 am

    acceptance is so powerful too x not easy but powerful to learn and with all of this i’m still a work in progress x but…if theyre gonna go theyre gonna go x i try to see giving them the space to work out what they want and what they can provide for you as a gift to them that way i’m in loving energy rather than fear x at least you know if they come up with the goods its cos theyve thought about it and its what they want and if they don’t there definitely is someone more suitable who will x



  117.  #117sophie on May 1, 2013 at 4:02 am

    totally agree indigo x my default is to assume rejection but im learning it isnt always about me xx



  118.  #118Indigo on May 1, 2013 at 4:11 am

    (((sophie)))

    Me too, me too. But I have learned that it is almost never about me. Not about me being unloveable anyway. x



  119.  #119sophie on May 1, 2013 at 4:19 am

    ha ha i contemplated putting never about me or almost never about me but didn’t – just goes to show i still have work to do 🙂



  120.  #120Kath on May 1, 2013 at 4:21 am

    It is really tough to stand back and let the situation be without trying to fix it!- I know that’s what I’ve always tried to do in previous relationships and its never worked. This time I am having to deal with the rejection and the feelings that his comments and statements have had on me. The worst one was “I have no confidence in our future or this relationship”. That was like being kicked in the stomach. But instead of leaning forward, I have stopped, said nothing and gone inot myself. I have stopped doing what I was starting to resent and I have made my own plans for this saturday (he has already agreed to baby sit his grandson) I realised that just because he is doing that doesn’t mean that I have to do it too- its not my grandchild. Thats the thing I have done all my life, made other people’s problems and difficulties mine to worry about as well and have always tried to help them out and then wondered why I’m being taken for granted!- When will I learn!!??!!!- I did it again with my guy! and I should have learnt from before!- I don’t want to lose this one though, he is the best one yet- but I am not sure whether I have gone too far this time and that is the scary thing. What do I do at the end f the month when he says that he wants to go away for the weekend on his own with his female friend?- because he will. Inside I am terrified that by doing that he has chosen her over me and its all my fault- what do I do?????



  121.  #121sophie on May 1, 2013 at 4:29 am

    kath x sounds like you’re doing great and making tons of changes x are you able to talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel? x



  122.  #122Indigo on May 1, 2013 at 4:51 am

    Eek Kath, going away for the weekend with his female friend? How could anyone feel sane under those circumstances?

    I know it’s not what you want to hear, but fear of losing him is the problem here, as I see it. There are many, many millions of men out there. I don’t mean this in a “there are plenty more fish in the sea” kind of way, but really I would highly recommend that you get over the idea that he is the only one. It may hurt but slowly you will start to see that he is not the prize, YOU are.

    *Biggest hugs*



  123.  #123Kath on May 1, 2013 at 5:58 am

    Thanks Sophie and Indigo- I guess I’m already mourning the loss of what we had at the beginning, when it was all lovely and he’d do anything for me and say how he wanted to marry me- now all of that seems to have gone. I feel so sad and down that he doesn’t feel that for me anymore- he says he loves me but even when we kiss each other now he keeps his eyes open and looks away- it feels horrible. I am trying to not let it affect me but we live together and it is tough. I just have to get through the next few weeks and see what happens at the end of the month- I am focussing on shifting me. Yes, you’re right though- I do have to try and vocalise how I feel to him betwen now and then and that is the tough bit because I will be laying myself completely open and will be vulnerable- and that’s an uncomfortable.



  124.  #124Mercedes on May 1, 2013 at 6:36 am

    Purple: I can certainly see how you felt disappointed and hurt. I would have too. If it were me, I would certainly ask about it…it will help him understand that you think of this time as actual plans and a date rather than an option sometimes. I love what Dominique said in #79…those are excellent ways to bring it up.

    Elsie: Nothing in me thinks you are settling…unless these things you “need” are boundaries of yours and you are letting them go by unnoticed. That is settling at it’s finest. For me, I think you might be confusing things you want with things you need and that can also get overwhelming for a man (who is more inclined to pay EXTRA attention to the things you NEED and to surprise you with the things you WANT).

    Needing something will make you completely unhappy every time you don’t get it. Wanting something might be a little disappointing but doesn’t hurt your heart.

    I would suggest that you allow your man to love you the way he loves you and see if that can feel good to you. Also…I encourage you to remember that he may change some of the ways in which he relates to you as time goes on (though maybe not). He’s on his own journey as well and the two of you have talked about a lot of things you need from him with regard to emotion. That’s a lot to take in and it’s quite possible he simply can’t remember or do all of it (maybe doesn’t even want to because it feels exhausting to think about a life of it…especially if it doesn’t come naturally for him).

    If he starts to feel the pressure of needing to do all of this for you (love you in all of the ways you need to be loved), it may just feel a little overwhelming. To me, this man loves you in so many ways and I hear you saying “It was so wonderful BUT I wish he would have…”. I would rather hear “It was so wonderful!”
    🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  125.  #125Femininewoman on May 1, 2013 at 6:43 am

    “Inside I am terrified that by doing that he has chosen her over me and its all my fault- what do I do?????”

    Kath, have you considered that he might be thinking of you as his girlfriend; For now? While he spends his energy looking for his wife? Why would a man who is planning a future with you choose to do that?

    Why is he so important to you?



  126.  #126Femininewoman on May 1, 2013 at 6:46 am

    Even if it is your fault, if in his mind you are the woman for him, I can’t imagine that he would choose to be this respectful. What do you do?????? Make plans of your own to get out of the house, maybe away for the weekend rather than sitting around waiting for him.

    How good could he be if he is going away alone with another woman? I would say stop focussing on them and what they are doing and focus on living your life.



  127.  #127Mercedes on May 1, 2013 at 6:49 am

    FW: “Why is he so important to you?” – What a perfect question!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  128.  #128Elsie on May 1, 2013 at 6:59 am

    @Indigo and Sophie – The things you are saying are really resonating with me. I just wanted to say thank you because you sharing those things and your process is helping me with mine.

    Sophie in particular – where you write “soooooo much better at allowing a man to pull away and not feel an overwhelming sense of panic but try to focus on me, sit back and watch with a bit more curiosity how things unfold.” That is EXACTLY what I need to learn to do….

    And Indigo thank you for this statement, “don’t assume they are rejecting you.”. EXACTLY. Every time I have assumed that I have been DEAD WRONG. lol.

    @Kath – When you wrote “It is really tough to stand back and let the situation be without trying to fix it!- I know that’s what I’ve always tried to do in previous relationships and its never worked. ” That is also how I feel. I like when CCarter talks about how you cant fix a relationship. All a realitonship is is just a series of little moments. You can work to make each moment different or better, but you cant really fix a relationship…..it just a bunch of moments, etc. I love that.

    @Kath – regarding going away with a female friend. Listen. We all know what that is “code” for. For me, that would be a line in the sand and a complete dealbreaker. You are right that he will do it anyway – and frankly that holds true for anything – all men will do what they want. They just have to decide if the consequences are worth their actions. You said you have to decide what to do….has he asked you your opinion? If so, then I would give it. If he hastn asked your opinion, well, then there is nothing to decide, sweetie. He is just going to do what he is going to do – and you have to decide how YOU are going to deal with that. Personally for me that would be a game ender for me. Not only is he NOT taking me somewhere, he is taking someone ELSE. Yah, that wouldnt fly with me. LOL.



  129.  #129Elsie on May 1, 2013 at 7:08 am

    @Mercedes – Seriously – I need to print your posts out and create a book for myself with all your advice in it and Dominiques too. haha!! That way I could read it anytime I needed (and trust me I need it a lot!)

    Ok – so you dont think I’m settling when I just WANT and not NEED his attention/reassurance/constant and unending profession of love. Got it. LOL.

    I am just not sure if it is a want or a need. I feel when I am away from him at night or on the weekends and I dont get as much chit chat or loving words, etc. (like he never calls me babe, or any nickname, or anything loving.) etc. He is just not GUSHY. Thats the word. He isnt gushy lovey. I like that, I love that…..it offers me reassurance. I get a LOT of it when we are alone together but not when we are apart on text etc. I LOVE the feeling of reassurance. It is disappointing to me that I have asked him to to gmail chat at night like we used to do and he has not provided that for me. It is disappointing that he doesnt seem to be as romantic during the day with me or affectionate or physical during the day as he used to be. We used to go on our lunch hour and hang out and we dont anymore. Sigh.

    I guess I’m just not sure if I need it or I just want it. I think that I have maladaptive thinking and behaviors regarding need for reassurance and affection and so I cant tell. Thats just me being honest.

    You are right though that we have talked about a lot of things regarding emotion and it may be a lot for him to take in. I guess he knows me pretty well and my emotions and if he wanted to bail he would have. Thats not what I’m scared of. I’m not scared that he is going to leave me. I’m scared that what he is providing me with is not enough emotionally – but again, I’m not sure if what I need is not over the top.

    This part of your email totally resonated with me….”possible he simply can’t remember or do all of it (maybe doesn’t even want to because it feels exhausting to think about a life of it…especially if it doesn’t come naturally for him).” I think this is exactly right – spot on.

    And I think if I want a life with him, I have to start just finding the reassurance and confidence in myself and just trust him.

    And thank you for saying this – it is good to hear your take on it: “To me, this man loves you in so many ways and I hear you saying “It was so wonderful BUT I wish he would have…”. I would rather hear “It was so wonderful!””

    But you may wait a while to hear that LOL!!!!!! I’m still a huge work in progress. 🙂

    Thanks again Mercedes – as per usual – you rock. 🙂



  130.  #130Mercedes on May 1, 2013 at 7:24 am

    Elsie: “And I think if I want a life with him, I have to start just finding the reassurance and confidence in myself and just trust him.” – Yup! Exactly! And while you’re doing that, watch for the ways he is actually giving you reassurance. Because from where I sit, he’s doing it a LOT…just not in the way you necessarily want to see it.

    One thing you could do though (as you try to figure out whether what he is giving you is enough or not)….go back through your posts here and write down all the positive things you said about what he does and make a list of all the times you said you wanted more than that. See how it all looks/feels laid out in front of you. I wouldn’t want you to make a new list (even if subconsciously, I think with these lists we try to sway them one direction or another) but just look at the things you’ve already written about him…see how that feels…when you look at your honest, in the moment, take on your relationship…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  131.  #131Elsie on May 1, 2013 at 7:43 am

    @Mercedes – You are right. This guy really has stretched himself emotionally to be with me. And you know – guys dont do anything they dont want to do. 🙂

    I think your exercise of writing everything down from my posts is a good one. I am going to do that tonight actually. And I was thinking about what I said but now I mean it – I think I’m going to copy and paste a lot of what you and Dominique have told me and create a folder for it. It will be good for me to read when I need to remember certain things and good advice!!!

    I love that you said you think he is doing a lot. 🙂 It helps to hear someone who has perspective and is not emotionally involved.

    Honestly, I wrote out a list last year of all the things I wanted in a partner/husband for my future. He hit the mark now on every single one of them….except three. One is being Christian. I have thought a lot about this and prayed. I truly believe that G0D put him in front of me for a reason. I truly believe that down to my toes. So – I am going with it. If G0D brought him into my life this far, then there must be a reason, who am I to question. Also, GS knows my stand on it and that I will have a home where that is not disparaged, etc.

    The second one is reassurance/loving words. He just doesnt do this as I’ve said.

    The third is getting excited about events/projects, etc. I dont really know this one yet. I dont really like his reaction to the tickets I got, but who knows. I know that he doesnt PLAN things. I dont really like that – he definitely lives in the NOW. Which I do love about him, but wish he planned a bit better or more, or talked about our future more, etc. if that makes sense.

    Now…..you should have seen this list. It was a HUGE list. LOL. I think that there were probably 30 things on it that I decided I NEEDED in order for a relationship to work. So I guess 27 out of 30 ain’t bad, right?

    Although its like the missing tile analogy. You can have the most BEAUTIFUL Italian ceiling tile put in your home. Its gorgeous and costs hundreds of thousands of dollars.

    But ONE tile is missing.

    So what do you do for the rest of your life? You obsess about that one tile. You look at that empty spot every time you walk in the room.

    INSTEAD of looking at all the rest of the beautiful tile…..which takes up almost the entire room.

    I am diagnosing myself with “missing tile syndrome.”

    LOL.



  132.  #132Mercedes on May 1, 2013 at 7:54 am

    Elsie: Maybe you replace that tile with something just as beautiful (or even more beautiful) but not the original tile you thought you needed in that spot when you first conceived of it.

    Did you ever hear of couples who were so surprised they are together because they had these strong lists of things they wanted in a mate? “I never thought I could fall in love with a man who was shorter than me.” “I never thought I would end up with a woman who had red hair” “I always thought I would be with someone who was a republican” “Who knew that I’d be moving across the country just to be near someone else” – on and on and on. I don’t like “lists” so much for that very reason…they limit us.

    But I do think that taking the words you’ve already said and putting them into one place might help you get clear on how you are really feeling.

    And thank you for the compliment. I love the feeling of my words resonating with you so much. 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  133.  #133Elsie on May 1, 2013 at 8:00 am

    @Mercedes – Honestly your words resonate with me so much so often!!!! I cant even say that enough! Oftentimes I find myself really loving the comments you even give to other people because they somehow resonate with me as well!!

    I LOVE LOVE LOVE THE IDEA of replacing the missing tile with something even more beautiful. I had *NEVER* thought of that. What if in that spot there is something that is so unique that it makes the rest of the beautiful tiles pale in comparison? I love that so much, I am just sitting here shaking my head in disbelief – I never even THOUGHT of that. Maybe what he brings to this relationship is something even more beautiful than I would have expected. Love it.

    And yes, my list did not include things like that, but whats funny, is that I always said that the next time around I would marry someone who was very Christian and very Republican. G0D laughed at that and said, “Really? We’ll see about that.” LOL.



  134.  #134Elsie on May 1, 2013 at 8:03 am

    I hope I’m not violating any rules by posting this, but this explains Dennis Pragers Missing Tile Syndrome very well…

    The “Missing Tile Syndrome” refers to a preoccupation with imperfections and anomalies. Picture a large beautiful tile mosaic where out of the 1,000 tiles, 10 are missing. Most people would enjoy the beauty of the mosaic, but then comment or inquire about the 10 missing tiles (e.g., “It’s a shame those tiles are missing,” or “Uh oh, what happened to those missing tiles?”). The source of the “Missing Tile Syndrome” is said to have been “hard-wired” into the brains of all living creatures for survival throughout the course of evolution. If while a zebra is enjoying bountiful grazing on a beautiful day in the African savannah the zebra hears some rustling in the nearby bush, that zebra ought to assume the worst case scenario and run, because that rustling may be a lion. Over time, the “pessimistic” zebra who runs will be more likely to survive that the “optimistic” zebra who assumes that the rustling in the bush is just a breeze. Indeed, the pressure for “survival of the fittest” exerted by evolution selects for the “survival of pessimism”. Focusing on “the missing tile” can be considered a psychological offshoot of this survival mechanism. To overcome the “Missing Tile Syndrome,” first identify your “missing tiles,” then make some choices and either work to get what’s missing (if that’s possible), forget what’s missing (if what you want is unrealistic), or replace what’s missing (with an acceptable substitute).

    ….or as Mercedes said – replace it with something more beautiful!!! 🙂



  135.  #135Mercedes on May 1, 2013 at 8:05 am

    Yup…Dennis should have talked to me before he published that. LOL!!! 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  136.  #136Emerson on May 1, 2013 at 8:22 am

    Hi sirens so great to read all your comments, I love the supportive vibe of the blog!

    I have a couple of job interviews that popped out of the blue… Happy but scared of a change ….



  137.  #137Indigo on May 1, 2013 at 8:29 am

    Elsie

    I feel so chuffed that my posts are resonating with you.

    I loved what sophie wrote too: “soooooo much better at allowing a man to pull away and not feel an overwhelming sense of panic but try to focus on me, sit back and watch with a bit more curiosity how things unfold.”

    I think the only way you can do that is if you make him not so important – by which I mean, yes, as a person he is important and you love him, but your life revolves around your own goals and dreams.



  138.  #138Emerson on May 1, 2013 at 8:32 am

    I am considering cutting meat out of my diet.. Not sure where to start. Just trying something new…
    I also feel that if I get this new job I will have more $ to do things I want like join a gym or an exercise boot camp. I am so slacking. I always feel better about things when I’m more in shape.
    Yesterday I felt so happy after work even though it was a hard day at work. My supervisor is not a nice person. But I left work and did some errands and it was a nice day… I changed into a cute summer dress and just felt happy …I felt thankful because I don’t feel that way often.
    I feel intrigued to expand my horizons but I doubt my decisions sometimes!
    Thanks for letting me get this out I know I’m all over the place!



  139.  #139Indigo on May 1, 2013 at 8:36 am

    Oh and yes, Elsie, regarding not assuming you’re being rejected: my whole life changed when I stopped assuming that other people’s behaviour was a negative response to me. In fact, I *refused* to see it that way, unless I had done something horrible.

    And like magic, the things other people did ceased to sting, and very, very little ever got to me.

    Now, if I can only apply this principle to men 😉 … I am still a little vulnerable there.



  140.  #140BeLoved on May 1, 2013 at 8:37 am

    The talk about needing a man or not for certain things got me to thinking about how my friends T and S met.
    S was walking down a garden alley, taking photographs. T saw her, approached her, and asked, “May I be of assistance?”
    S thought for a minute and said, “Yes, will you walk around with me while I take photos?”
    They’ve been together ever since, and just had a baby a few weeks ago.

    I love that she found *something* for him to do for her.

    Yesterday I let one of the guys buy me a soda, he ALWAYS offers and I used to always turn him down – this time I decided I would let him. I could tell he felt good being able to provide something for me, and I felt good and soft and receptive, and appreciation for such a good man I get to work with who wants to provide something for me.

    Something really cool I noticed, too, is that something interesting came of telling C I had a problem I needed his help with – I told him I didn’t want to feel used when we played dominoes, I didn’t want to be a pawn, and I didn’t know what to do.
    We had a warm, yummy conversation after that, but no real resolution.

    But – he ended up working at another location for a week, and in the meantime, I just naturally felt like playing dominoes online at night and on the weekend and got a TON of experience in a short period of time. I didn’t make a conscious decision to “do” anything other than what seemed interesting and fun….
    so he came back, we played, and the guys kept commenting on how they felt like they were playing “real” dominoes, none of the shysty playing-for-an-emotional-reaction that we had been doing, they were playing to win. I didn’t feel like I was the weak link being used as a pawn. Nobody was holding back.

    😀
    I won
    😀

    So, I learned that even if a man doesn’t have the answers or the resolution, being soft and needing help and asking can bring solutions in unexpected ways.

    I’m also enjoying really getting into the game, and sifting through online dating responses. My mind has wandered a few times to T, wondering if he is making arrangements for me or if he is going to step up,
    then I remind myself, he’s working under a big deadline this week.
    It’s only been a short time since we talked.
    Whether he steps up or not is of no consequence to me, I am simply observing, not attached to outcome, it honestly doesn’t matter to me one whit (and I feel amazed to realize that is true!) and I will end up in OR regardless.

    I feel present and good and happy to be me and to be alive and loving my life right now. I am so blessed.



  141.  #141Mel on May 1, 2013 at 8:49 am

    Kris,

    (((hugs sweetie)))

    It will get easier, I promise. Getting over it… Hmmm, for me it was the realization that I did not WANT to be chasing after a man that didn’t want me; but also, that I don’t NEED to chase anyone. That came once I started to actually give CD-ing a try. Feeling all of the male attention coming toward me was a huge healing experience. It just felt so completely different than the attention-starved relationship I was in. This completely boosted my self-confidence, which gave me the little push I needed to move-on.

    Also, just nourishing myself with good food, good friends, activities I loved, and giving myself as much love and gentleness as possible.



  142.  #142Mel on May 1, 2013 at 8:58 am

    Kath,
    A wise siren (Lilybelly) gave me some good advice in a similar situation. My then husband was away for the weekend with his girl “friends” while he tried to “decide” what to do about our failing marriage.

    She just encouraged me to let out all my anger. I was feeling SOOOOO angry! I felt angry that I was “waiting” on HIM to decide. I was angry and resentful that I was supporting him while he decided and went out to bars and clubs and spent my money “finding himself.” I was angry at myself because I was accepting crumbs. I wanted to feel happy. But I felt MISERABLE!

    So I bought some eggs and smashed them. Really hard against the wall. I screamed and yelled and carried on. I had a full-out temper tantrum while he was gone. And by the time he got back, I had come to a sort of peace with it. It was done. I wanted better. It totally helped.

    The next week, I got myself my own bank account (we had a joint one) and had my pay redirected into it. I started to look for my own accommodations. I started to plan and figure out what I wanted to do with my life.

    Let it out. It helps.



  143.  #143BeLoved on May 1, 2013 at 8:58 am

    137

    Indigo – yes! to all of it, yes!
    My mantra at work has been, “That has nothing to do with me”.
    Over and over and over.
    It’s working it’s magic, the more I say it the more certain I become and the more comfortable and less defensive I feel.

    Love.
    It.



  144.  #144Daria on May 1, 2013 at 9:57 am

    awww ((((((Tereana)))))) 🙂 🙂 🙂



  145.  #145Violette on May 1, 2013 at 10:35 am

    Kristine, thanks for your post #50. I agree with it. I felt shaky about it though since I really liked this guy who sent the request, and wondered about sending him a message explaining that I don’t accept people I don’t know yet…but after your post no. I feel good ignoring it!



  146.  #146MovingMagic on May 1, 2013 at 11:21 am

    Today I’ve been thinking about the need to control situations, especially when many things feel up in the air. I have alot of transitions beginning around me. Jobs, possible housing, rehearsals, wanting/making plans to expand my teachings, finishing up an aerobic certification, & contemplating going back to school. My internal Spring has sprung, & so has my awareness toward knee jerk reactions. With so much moving around me I found myself wanting to handle things with AttentiveCd in a too familiar way…by reaching out due to feeling triggered. I didn’t though…I chose instead to get busy taking care of myself. Wow! I feel! proud! I just rewarded myself with a vegan, chocolate chip scone. Hehe.



  147.  #147seahorse on May 1, 2013 at 11:22 am

    As I was reading and getting triggered and feeling it all move through me, I felt my mind going back to Mercedes and Elsie”s back and forth on the missing tile. It felt familiar and I remembered sitting in my therapist outer office and there was a copy of Shel Silverstein’s ‘The Missing Piece”. I had read it while sitting and waiting my turn, I teared up and let then let them fall. It felt so good. I love that book. Did you know there is another? It’s called ‘The Missing Piece Meets the Big O’. Easy and perfect. I forgot how easy it can be. Thank you for the reminder!!!



  148.  #148Elsie on May 1, 2013 at 11:27 am

    OK – so once again, I just need to TRUST. Wash, rinse, repeat.

    LOL.

    I had to give him something so I handed it to him and we started talking. It was wonderful, and I felt so attracted and drawn to him. So, I said, hey you know how you always said I just needed to ask when I need anything? He said yes….I said, I want you to hold me. He said….right now?!?!! I said, yes. And he got straight up and did. He held me and held me. And when he sat down I said, I missed that. And he started to say – Oh, I really wanted to see you Monday night but couldnt, and I stopped him. I said – No. I’m not trying to make you feel bad or guilty. I know you couldnt come out monday night. I just genuinely wanted to just let you know that I missed you holding me. Thats it. And I smiled. And then he smiled and said – I miss holding you too. And we chatted a bit longer, it was soooo nice.

    WHY dont I trust him? I’m so scared that its all going to end. I dont really believe that it will last or that he will show up for me in the long run. I always think – oh, but he will dump me later, or he wont give me enough emotional support later, or I keep looking for the missing tiles.

    Man, that felt so good to be held by him. And just to have him jump up like that without a question was beyond wonderful. It was awesome.

    I just wish that I got more reassurance on a daily/hourly basis LOL.



  149.  #149Mercedes on May 1, 2013 at 11:30 am

    Just sharing…

    I’m doing this exercise where I write down the 7 most influential experiences of my life (I chose 8 instead and could have had 9 there but decided 8 was enough). I’m not reading ahead on the instructions, just following them as closely as I can.

    So…I write down the 8 most influential experiences of my life and the next task is to write down what I learned from each of those experiences. Easy enough…I learned lots of things from each of them. On a couple, after writing some of the things I learned, I even put the words “I learned so much more than I could ever put into words”. This task was very, very easy for me.

    Now the task is to take all those things I learned from all of those experiences and write down exactly how I am using what I learned – each and every day of my life.

    Whoa! Not sure I even am! Am I? I’m going to have to contemplate this one for a while. Maybe I’m using what I’ve learned. I hope so. Everyday though? I don’t know…

    I’m not even sure I want to know what the next task is. LOL

    Interesting…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  150.  #150MovingMagic on May 1, 2013 at 11:32 am

    Indigo, I love what you wrote on feelings of rejection. I’ve found that the more invested I am in my life, passions, happiness, & love..the less room I have for those feelings. I have days of course. Usually due to not feeling so great about where I’m at myself.



  151.  #151seahorse on May 1, 2013 at 11:41 am

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCmZ2jrQooE

    I hope this works!!!!!! Lovely music too



  152.  #152Rori Raye on May 1, 2013 at 11:56 am

    Brenda – Please do this: Forget about your husband. The more you focus away from him, the closer he will come to you. The more attention you pay him, the more he will run away. Focus on yourself and on repairing the damage in your relationship with your daughter.Nothing will change until you do. You know this has to do with you getting professional help – and then DOING what the coach or therapist tells you to do, practice what they tell you to practice – until you can say, with utter confidence, that you no longer are continually crying and “losing it.” Circular Dating is crucial here – it will help you practice the self-management skills you need in order to have a meaningful relationship with anyone. Even breathing techniques and yoga will help you. Do it all for you. Love, Rori



  153.  #153Daria on May 1, 2013 at 11:57 am

    yay my mom helped me connect the internet without WIFI!

    woo hooo even easier to be online now

    (wifi was making my brain feel squeezed, and thoughts scrambled)



  154.  #154Mel on May 1, 2013 at 12:03 pm

    Elsie,

    “I just wish that I got more reassurance on a daily/hourly basis LOL.”

    This might sound weird, and maybe I’m just a big weirdo (lol… I love my weirdness) but I do a lot of “self-talk”.

    Like if I’m running and I’m starting to feel tired and like giving up… I say to myself: it’s okay sweet self, I know you’re feeling tired… but I can see the house just up ahead…and I know you could make it at least half-way there…” And then I just do it and get half-way and I’m like: “Look! You’re pretty much home now… just go for it!” etc…

    I also use this when I’m feeling insecure about stuff, or when I feel unacknowledged for something, or unappreciated… It just feels good somehow.

    I wonder if when you are feeling the need to be reassured, or feeling the need to be encouraged or praised, or just needing some words of affection that you could try giving them sincerely to yourself.

    I know it’s not the same… but it does feel good.

    Like right now, in this very instant, I’m applying my own advice.

    I have this little (big to me) dream, and there’s this roadblock that I can’t seem to get myself around. Everyone keeps telling me “sorry, no…” and just a while ago I sincerely felt like just giving up. But anyways, through the tears, I just told myself: “It’s okay sweet self. You’ll figure it out. Something will work. The RIGHT thing will work.”

    There. I feel at least a little bit better.

    ((hugs!))

    As you can tell, I also require lots of “words” to feel loved. 😉



  155.  #155k2012 on May 1, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    “He has said something similar to that – he said – my feelings never change for you – ever.” Elsie. Elsie u are good, as my baby nephew loves to say. U have a good man, don’t worry yourself. Everyone has shortcomings, as we all know. But based on what I have seen u writing about your guy, it is clear to me that he loves you and seems committed. Was he the one who is filing for his divorce? Are u a christian Elsie? I think I see u wrote something like that in your post. I am a christian myself and I am looking for a christian man. However sometimes we do not always get everything on a platter. Sometimes we get a little challenge. In other words, if I get a man who is a non christian, I will work with him. I know I cannot change him mark u, but I will have to assess the situation before I go in too deep. Now of course, if the guy is an atheist, u know that he doesn’t stand a chance in my book.



  156.  #156Indigo on May 1, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    Beloved and Moving Magic,

    I feel SO glad that what I said resonated with you 🙂

    I truly did do this though – I decided that I can CHOOSE to interpret other people’s actions as not being about me at all. And you know what? If I haven’t done something bad, they’re not. I practiced completely and utterly letting other people’s reactions and behavior go, like a fly buzzing around in a bottle that I am looking at – until it became a habit. It’s wonderful, it is water off a duck’s back.



  157.  #157Elsie on May 1, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    @Mel – Thank you for that – yes, I need to work on practicing words on myself!!

    @k2012 – Well, never say never. 🙂 I always said I would never be with an atheist. He is atheist/agnostic. He was raised Catholic, and now doesnt believe. But….that said. He is the MOST authentic and moral person I have probably ever met. I have never known a kinder gentler and more giving person in terms of charity for his family, friends or frankly just charity in general. He is very giving of his time and money to a lot of different organizations, and most of it isnt known to anyone. Very very good guy. 🙂 So…..there you have it. 🙂

    He does love me. And I suppose he is committed to me. 🙂 And I guess….yes…..I am good, as your nephew says, but it would be nice to hear that a lot and often. 🙂



  158.  #158Elsie on May 1, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    @Indigo – it sounds like part of the four agreements book – Never take anything personally – what a GREAT way to live! (Hard to do though!!!!)



  159.  #159Dominique on May 1, 2013 at 1:14 pm

    Elsie – for you and anyone else worrying about this.

    http://sexandheart.com/your-the-one-can-have-it-all

    xxoo



  160.  #160Dominique on May 1, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    131 – Missing tile syndrome – AWESOME. I may have to steal this, lol.

    xxoo



  161.  #161Turquoise on May 1, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    I’ve had a terrible cold since last week, but it’s starting to clear up and I feel so much better! It’s been a month since my mom passed away…. and the fog and gloom are actually starting to lift. I feel excited for a party I’m having this weekend, and the weather is gorgeous here…. so that majorly helps!

    I LOVE this new 7 day guide Rori! What a great reminder of daily things to do, to keep us focused on ourselves and pull us back in when we start to sway a bit. I haven’t heard from Sweetheart since we broke up…. and while I miss his friendship, I feel completely fine about it and ready to meet some new people. I know I did the right thing. I was a little temped to reach out and tell him we could be friends, keep in touch…. but it could be easy to slip back into all the talking and texting, seeing each other… and I don’t want that, at least not right now. It would be a lot harder to be open to new men and relationships while having the comfort of the familiar going on with him.

    I feel good…. and I love the love language book and the love tank book as well. So much great information out there for us…. I think the key is to just keep applying it to ourselves, until it sinks in and becomes second nature.

    I hope everything is great with all of you…. I have a quiet evening at home tonight so I’ll have some time to catch up on the blog. Hugs!



  162.  #162Elsie on May 1, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    @Dominique – LOL – I stole it from Dennis Prager haha!!! He has a lot on it – you can google it. 🙂 Its an awesome idea…..

    And thank you for the article – awesome!!!!

    By the way he just grabbed me and kissed me and told me I was pretty. 🙂 My girliness is gushing. 🙂



  163.  #163Mercedes on May 1, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    Interesting quote from Tao Te Ching, Chapter Seventy-Eight (especially if you look at it from the perspective of what Rori teaches):

    Under heaven nothing is more soft and yielding than water. Yet for attacking the solid and strong, nothing is better; it has no equal.

    🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  164.  #164Smile on May 1, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    I’m feeling a little lonely tonight living alone.



  165.  #165Mercedes on May 1, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    ((((((((Smile)))))))) 🙁 I hate feeling lonely. I don’t know how to comfort except to tell you I’ve been there and understand. Smooth Jazz music and a good wine usually helped me some. So did tears. I tend to cry when I’m lonely but the tears feel cleansing after. Or have company over. Friends can help reduce loneliness.

    I wish you could come over to my house tonight…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  166.  #166k2012 on May 1, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    I am at my desk waiting for a drive and boy am I in a rotten mood. I got some major disappointment today regarding some future plans that I have that we’re connected to my job and my personal life. Its a major setback for me and I am so pissed right now. While it is not a 100 percent possibility that the setback will take place, there is a possibility. My mind is now reorganizing everything just in case, making some calls tomorrow to find out the “what ifs”. That the reason why people are making plans, u have to tell very few persons, basically shut your mouth as my mother would say. I can’t even concentrate on my work. Just upset right now.



  167.  #167k2012 on May 1, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    Oh Elsie he is an atheist. Okay then u said the same things like me that u would never be with an atheist. Oh boy. He has very good ways though. For me, if I meet a man, as a christian it goes without saying for me that someone who is an atheist would definitely NOT be the right man for me. That would pose major problems for us. As I said before, even if my partner is not a christian, he must AT LEAST believe in God. Well I have left work and going home now to replan my future in the event of a change.



  168.  #168Elsie on May 1, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    @k2012 – Like I said – be careful what you say. I ALWAYS said that. And then I met GS. My dealbreaker is that I need to be married to live in the same house (he doesnt really believe in marriage, just believes his word is his word and he is true to it). And my other deal breaker is that Christianity would never be disparaged in the house under any conditions. Also that we would all go to church each week.

    He agreed to all of it. 🙂 Perhaps G0D put me in front of him for that reason. Maybe instead of taking me away from my religion, I will be bringing him back to it. Either way, this man is the most moral and “Christian” (whatever that means) man I’ve ever met. Moreso than me oftentimes, I am ashamed to admit.

    He knows those are my dealbreakers. I was kind when I said them, but wanted him to know so that if it was an issue it could be dealt with up front.

    He did ask me once last fall when he was going through a “funk” whether or not it REALLY was ok with me that he was not Christian. I said, I love him for who he is. I truly believe that he will go to heaven. I read a wonderful article from a priest on just that subject. It was so beautiful.

    Anyway – they say in the Bible that a man can get to heaven THROUGH his wife. Im not sure on that – but if thats the case, and we get married, then I’m his golden ticket – and wow, that makes me smile. 🙂



  169.  #169Christina on May 1, 2013 at 4:37 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I dated a wonderful man for the last year and a half. We were insanely in love. He told me that I was the first and only woman he ever saw marrying ever in his life. We shared our dreams of having children together and were very passionate about each other. We lived together for 6 months and it was like a dream, it was so wonderful. He even gave me a promise ring last Christmas in front of his whole family in Germany. Sadly we started doing long distance and things began to fall apart. I lost a lot of the confidence and characteristics that made me “me”. I just was always worried about him; the people he was with, where he was going, etc. I always had some insecurities, but with him being away they seemed to blow up larger than they ever were. It was so hard to realize until he said that we needed to break up how much I was losing him by pushing him around, being irrational, being needy, and not expressing my feelings in a good way. We’ve tried to be “friends” since then and at first I was really just trying to reach out and “win him back”, especially since I feel insanely guilty about how I pushed our relationship into this hole, but after reading your newsletters I started pulling back and stopped communicating and he started reaching out more, but I have no idea how to maintain this distance from him since it feels like this “game” we’re playing. We were best friends and so close so it’s the most heartbreaking thing to distance myself from him and feel like I could completely lose him. Also I was supposed to visit him this summer and the ticket was purchased long before we broke up, and I don’t know whether I should continue with this plan or not? I don’t want to be the one to say “o let’s meet and talk”, but I don’t want to lose the opportunity to see him face to face and us talk about things. Actually the only thing we ever fought about before long distance was the fact that he wanted to stay “friends” with his ex and another girl that were both very obviously interested in him. I knew he would never cheat on me, but I hated that he wanted to maintain relationships with women who didn’t want to be “just friends” and were literally trying to sabotage our relationship. I just thought it was inappropriate and even though he gave up speaking to them because he knew it hurt me, I feel like he resented me for that. Anyway I would love some help and advice about the situation! Thanks

    ~Christina



  170.  #170Olivia on May 1, 2013 at 5:09 pm

    Yay to good men doing lovely things like some of those described above…how delicious.

    A good girlfriend of mine just confided in me how her on-again-off-again love —- they have been fleeing from each other for about two years, out of fear, they are both so scared of intimacy for different, serious reasons — finally confronted her and told her, in a calm, dead serious and gentle way, how he loves her and wants the whole enchilada and to be with her and she can take as long as she needs to digest this information. So delicious! She was NOT expecting this to happen and it felt so good to hear her recount this. How people can grow and recognize the love in front of them and grapple with their fears.

    Yum yum yum.



  171.  #171Syreena on May 1, 2013 at 5:23 pm

    Any thoughts on this?

    🙁 made me feel sad.

    Would love to know if others think this i true or a pile of poo.



  172.  #172Elsie on May 1, 2013 at 5:41 pm

    @Syreena – To what exactly are you referring?



  173.  #173Syreena on May 1, 2013 at 5:42 pm

    I feel in a bad place at the moment.
    Unsafe and sad a little lonely wanting to reach out but scared. Realizing that all we really have is ourselves. And an expiry date.
    No one is going to come and make me feel better.
    Just have to wait for the feeling to pass.



  174.  #174Elsie on May 1, 2013 at 5:56 pm

    Syreena – I’m sorry that you are feeling so down. ((hugs))) Its hard – but just know that every person that has ever existed has felt like you at one point. We all have these feelings from time to time. Is there something you can do to distract yourself or make yourself feel better???? I know it wont answer the meaning to life, etc. but it will make you feel better in the meantime. 🙂



  175.  #175prplpsn28 on May 1, 2013 at 6:47 pm

    I’ve been thinking about something today. I understand the whole “leaning back” (which I’ve been doing) and letting him come to me (which he has – except for Tuesday evening and I have no idea what happened there) but doesn’t it then seem as tho everything is being done on his terms? If he’s doing all the initiating of contact? Talking, texting, planning, etc. Just wondering. Any ideas?



  176.  #176Elsie on May 1, 2013 at 6:59 pm

    Purple – I know how you feel. Its hard to grasp. But basically you set your boundaries. Then see what he does and lean back. If he does things that are outside your boundaries or dealbreakers then you still have the ultimate power, which is to leave – and that is done on your terms, if that makes sense?



  177.  #177prplpsn28 on May 1, 2013 at 7:10 pm

    Elsie – That makes sense. Thanks



  178.  #178Rori Raye on May 1, 2013 at 7:37 pm

    Christina, Hi, and – as I always ask – are you dating? Are you Circular Dating? Without that, it’s difficult to shift your vibe into that girl he was first attracted to – and that’s what this needs. Confidence is attractive. Insecurities are things a man will put up with if he has to, if it doesn’t weigh him down too much – but if we act from that place, instead of from a robust, confident place where we know what we want and are calmly requiring of it – we’re going to turn a man off. If it were me, I’d ask him what he wants to do about the plane ticket, and that, combined with the experience you’ll get from dating new men and – yes – having physical love of some kind with them – will help you tremendously. Love, Rori



  179.  #179Turquoise on May 1, 2013 at 7:40 pm

    Hi Sirens,
    I poste earlier today, but it never showed up. I enjoyed this plan Rori, and it feels like such a great small reminder, great to focus on… most of the time… I printed it out.

    I haven’t heard from Sweetheart and feel somewhat relieved. It might have been easy to slip back to what’s comfortable rather than meet some new men. I’s been a month since my mom passed, and I’m startng to feel better. More sure of what I want and don’t want. I’m glad about that…. its a great feeling, to be sure of myself.
    I’m having a party this weekend and looking forward to seeing some friends. Ive had an awful cold the past week… starting to pass! Thank goodness! Ihope things are well with everyone here.



  180.  #180Femininewoman on May 1, 2013 at 7:54 pm

    Good to “see” you Turquoise. This Saturday there is a High School reunion that I am attending. I am looking forward to it.



  181.  #181Femininewoman on May 1, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    prplpsn – Yes to a certain extent it is being done on his terms. Yet you have the power to make him addicted based on the words you use, how you are in your being that he finds you so pleasant to be around that he can’t help but want more. Think of catching bees with honey. Let him set the terms and decide how much honey he wants. If the terms don’t suit you, you use your ultimately power. Leave. He won’t be lucky enough to find another woman like you.



  182.  #182Smile on May 1, 2013 at 10:38 pm

    Thank you mercedes,

    I feel so much better now. I just took myself to bed last night. I think I was tired and that’s when the loneliness took over. It had turned dark and I didn’t have the tv on. It was quiet. I then felt a sense of longing for a husband and children in my house with me. I see amb about 3 times a week. It feels perfect what we have right now. I want more but I know that takes time to create in the now moments. I’m in no rush but I did miss not having it already last night.
    Your message made me feel comforted when I read it this morning, thank you :))



  183.  #183smile on May 1, 2013 at 10:41 pm

    Thank you mercedes,
    I feel so much better now. I just took myself to
    bed last night. I think I was tired and that’s
    when the loneliness took over. It had turned
    dark and I didn’t have the tv on. It was quiet. I
    then felt a sense of longing for a husband
    and children in my house with me. I see amb
    about 3 times a week. It feels perfect what we
    have right now. I want more but I know that
    takes time to create in the now moments. I’m
    in no rush but I did miss not having it already
    last night.
    Your message made me feel comforted when I read it this morning, thank you :))



  184.  #184Syreena on May 2, 2013 at 1:55 am

    Thank you Elsie. I was referring to this. I forgot to put up link.
    http://www.daterate.net/articles/ten-things-women-dont-know-about-men-and-sex.php



  185.  #185Syreena on May 2, 2013 at 1:58 am

    Also a few horrible articles in the paper recently which felt so totally disturbing.



  186.  #186ruth on May 2, 2013 at 2:55 am

    so much helpful stuff here
    thank you ladies



  187.  #187k2012 on May 2, 2013 at 4:12 am

    Elsie:”Perhaps G0D put me in front of him for that reason. Maybe instead of taking me away from my religion, I will be bringing him back to it.” Hey Elsie and other ladies, good morning. Elsie I think you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT on this statement. That is the reason why I said earlier that it is not all the time we get everything on a platter. Sometimes God gives us challenges. As u most likely know, God wants us to witness to other persons and lead them to Christ. So maybe God placed him in your life so as to give you the opportunity to lead him to him.(God). Never say never. True. U said the same things like me eh re never getting involved with an atheist. Is God place him in your life, girl. Look at the wonderful man that he has been. That’s why I say u are good. Lol. Has he ever expressed an interest in going back to church? I hope you see this message as I want to make some suggestions to you. I am still learning about what its like to be a christian having given my life to christ some years ago. I grew up in the anglican church but I honestly couldn’t say that I was christian until I few years ago when I went to a new church, a new denomination and gave my life to the lord and then did the public act-the baptism. Looking forward to your answer. I just woke up ladies and started catching up on the blog. I feel much better re the post about disappointment. I am going to continue to pray about it and leave it to the almighty.



  188.  #188LoveAlways on May 2, 2013 at 5:43 am

    Hi Sirens. Wishing everyone positivity and continued blessings. I’ve been struggling with putting myself first and found the following quote helpful. It is based on astrology, but Rori’s approach is actually so universal I can spot it in any context. Sharing from ElsaElsa.com email update from Sonja:

    “People think they live their sun, but that’s not always the case. Women often project their solar energy onto the men in their life. The man becomes their creative source of energy. The woman looks up to him as if he were Apollo, the Sun God.

    When you are shining yourself, you’re less crazily concerned over whether some guy is interested in you. A woman becomes obsessed with a man because she thinks the man is the life force. She is living through his life, or even feels she is living because of his light.”

    Namaste



  189.  #189Femininewoman on May 2, 2013 at 6:23 am

    Thanks LoveAlways



  190.  #190Mercedes on May 2, 2013 at 7:51 am

    I just like sharing all of this with people and maybe someday someone here will want to make use of some of the tools I’m doing on my personal growth journey…so this feels like it’s maybe the right place to post them.

    Today I will do a stream of consciousness writing exercise. The topic is “What would I do differently if I had no fear of making mistakes?”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  191.  #191seahorse on May 2, 2013 at 8:53 am

    i feel my body go really still when I read what mercedes wrote.

    I feel shortness of breathe. breathing deep and and low

    I feel taller
    I feel grateful
    I feel dizzy
    I feel free then angry
    i feel like eating a piece of pie
    i feel giggly that I caught that food thing
    I feel loving to my little girl in me

    No fear i would walk everywhere with my shoulders back adn chin up i would not feel bad when someone said I was too nice. Madddd amdd at that angry. i am not responsible for them feeling like that. Not my bag to carry. Nice feels good. Mind your own business. No more trying to control seahorse. Just because you THINK nice is weak it’s not. It’s fearless because I am me and strong and smart to know thats your baggage not mine. I would …..what what what…….. I would dance and not care how silly I looked!!! i would be me without judgement voices saying i’m stupid and school would be easier………….. math is really hard angry at the numbers. love the numbers I lOVE NUMBERS……. kindness is a strenghth and to have boundries with kindness is gold. For them for me everybody wins……I would have peace with no fear why can’t i have that now? breathing low…………. i do ooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh close my eyes and take little ones sweet hand and running jumping singing. We can do this sweetheart i have you.

    Thank you Mercedes



  192.  #192seahorse on May 2, 2013 at 9:06 am

    That felt hard to get out. i am grateful for it. i am grateful I don’t have pie here. I will have strawberries. Thanks again Mercedes



  193.  #193Mercedes on May 2, 2013 at 9:23 am

    You’re welcome seahorse! I’m so happy you could use it. I haven’t done it yet but am interested in what comes up for me. I also posted that comment on the new thread in case someone there can use it as well. It just struck me as a very cool exercise and I wanted to see if others could make use of it. So happy you could. 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  194.  #194MovingMagic on May 2, 2013 at 10:21 am

    I feel like I live my moon these days. The huntress Artemis…I feel more intrigued by living and capturing my dreams than I do chasing men. If the moon is our emotional self in astrology, I’m the flowing water of pisces. An undine, or watersprite. Dancing contentment.



  195.  #195MovingMagic on May 2, 2013 at 10:24 am

    I love that Mercedes! I’m going to journal that exercise today. 🙂 🙂



  196.  #196k2012 on May 2, 2013 at 10:37 am

    Wow, there is a new thread. Wow let me hurry over. I will look in detail on Rori’s tools on the weekend.



  197.  #197MovingMagic on May 2, 2013 at 10:42 am

    This site has so many inspiring women.



  198.  #198sha-sha on May 2, 2013 at 7:21 pm

    Love this



  199.  #199soulFuse on May 2, 2013 at 9:15 pm

    This is great as it empowers women to be strong and confident in their relationships with men and also with family and friends.



  200.  #200Ignis on May 3, 2013 at 5:14 pm

    Oh, this one came at a totally right moment. Just when my Mr. screamed “stop, stop, stop, stop” at me haha

    It does feel scary to stop. Stopping means a lot of emptiness one needs to fill with oneself. I have been practicing all the tools for a while but there was some things that just would not click for me, and now I guess it did click, and for the first time instead of trying to figure what to do to get him back, I just feel grateful for what he taught me with his toxic behavior and for the first time I feel I can actually lean back. It feels really scary and exiting at the same time 🙂



  201.  #201Pam on May 4, 2013 at 11:39 am

    Hi Rori and all!

    Needing some advice. I went on a few dates with a man only to find out that he had recently left a three year relationship. I realized I might be a rebound but I decide to go with him because I had a big crush on another man and wanted a distraction! Things didn’t go anywhere with the crush guy.

    I’ve seen this man for about a year and a half off and on. Off because he got back with his ex then they broke it off again. When he came back after breaking it off with her, I started having sex with him and seeing him more often. We get together once every one or two weeks.

    One night he brought me dinner and told me he was talking to his ex again and that he was going to try counseling with her and that he couldn’t see two people at the same time because it is too confusing for him.

    A week later he called me and said it was over with her because he couldn’t make her happy. He made dinner for me, asked me if I wanted to go away with him to Big Sur sometime, and we had amazing sex. After sex he told me he wasn’t ready for anything, is that OK? I told him it was because at the moment I felt like it was OK for me.

    I haven’t heard from him now for two weeks which isn’t unusual only that it is his birthday weekend. Not a good sign. And next week he is going away for a week with his guy friends to Mexico and I’m assuming won’t hear from him.

    On my end, I’ve purchased your complete collection and decided to circular date. I already have a date lined up next week!

    I’m considering taking a step back from the sex. When he calls and invites me over to his house, I’m thinking to say “it would feel really great if we go out” so we are not in a situation to have sex. If he invites me home, I’m going to say “I feel more comfortable if we take a step back from the sex.” If he asks why, I’ll say, “I’m feeling a little nervous because I want to stay unattached emotionally.”

    I still would like to see him and think I will be able to if I am circular dating. He told me he is not ready and I’m listening. Something I have not done in the past! I’m planning to still see him and just focus on having fun. The one thing I’d like advice about is how to handle it when he comes back. I’m considering saying “it feels weird that I haven’t heard from you for a few weeks and that I feeling a little sad because I was looking forward to celebrating your birthday with you, is there something I should know?” Rori, what do you think?

    A little background on me: I purchased one or two of your programs a few years ago and sent them back for a refund. I didn’t really get it or maybe I wasn’t able to hear it. I hear it now! And I’m looking forward to working with your materials. Thank you so much!



  202.  #202Rori Raye on May 4, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    Pam – this is all up to you. This man is nothing but a “part-time-lover.” If that’s okay with you, then participate. He’s still hung up on the ex, no matter what he says – and if you can handle that, fine – but I don’t see the upside for you. For me – if a man isn’t crazy for you – FIRST! – what’s the point of even spending time with him? Love, Rori



  203.  #203Pam on May 4, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    Aw Rori, you are right! He is hung up. No upside for me. I’m walking away. Thank you for telling me the truth I couldn’t see. Love you back! Thank you so much. I feel really good about this.



  204.  #204Tina on May 6, 2013 at 3:16 pm

    I was with a guy for a year and four months. From Christmas time it all started going wrong – his mother didn’t like me and it was clear he wouldn’t stand up for me. We had a year of a brilliant relationship. Then his words and actions weren’t matching – he was full of I love yous but the actions weren’t the same. I called a day on the relationship because of this and the fact his mother planned a family trip and I wasn’t involved at all. He was quite happy for me to be left out. I may add we met and he walked out on his marriage 5 days later!

    He was very gutted when I asked him to get all of the stuff out of my house and I asked him to leave. Five days later I got an email saying that he had meant everything he’d said but admitted his feelings had changed and he was concerned at our bickering (normally around his actions and words not matching and his mother).

    We met and chatted and I said we would have two weeks apart to have a think about what we wanted – he came back and said his feelings had changed and that he would probably very much regret letting me go but he felt he needed counselling as he’d brushed so much under the carpet for the past years and he felt he needed some time on his own. Even though he is living with his mother!

    I was shocked at this – it was five weeks ago.

    Today I have learnt that he was out with a girl with a group of friends including his brother. I text him to say so much for needing time to get your head around things. He was so cold and came back and said I’ve been seeing someone for a few weeks but believe what you want and I’m not getting into a slagging match.

    I am so so hurt that I have been replaced within a matter of weeks. I have been crying all night and hate feeling this way. I feel he has blatantly lied to me and then just gone and met someone else and was sitting holding her hand today! I feel stupid and worthless. How can he be like this when he said he loved me?? I’ve already been so depressed about this but I feel so so low!

    Please help me



  205.  #205Andrea on May 6, 2013 at 4:45 pm

    Hooray!!!! Hooray!! Best advice ever!!! Rori, I have been in a relationship for one year. I won’t go into the details, but it has not been working out for me in that I just did not feel good in the relationship. I felt more scared, that I had to prove my worth to him, that I was the one who was always chasing, always planning, always waiting by the phone or calling him. He would keep me hooked by offering small rewards of aproval here and there, but I was always stressed about whether he truly loved me or not.
    I purchased your e-book and began reading it and doing the exercises.. mainly doing the writing work and meditating work. Working on my inner self.
    I realize that there are many things that attract me to him, but I want to FEEL better about myself. When I’m with him I want to FEEL good about myself.
    Anyway, not long ago it got so bad that I was in “junkie” mode. I snooped on his facebook and found flirtations and contacts with other women. I realized that I was always questioning his love for me, because even though he said, “I love you.” I wasn’t feeling his love through his actions.
    Actually I was feeling his distance and his cruelty.
    Okay…. two weeks ago, I gathered all of the gifts he’s given me, the keys to his house etc.. everything that connects us, and I left them in a bag in his car with a simple “Goodbye.”
    No explanation, no criticism or blame from me to him, no tears… just “goodbye”. Then I ignored his calls, blocked his facebook, silenced his text notifications and started working on myself. After about the third day, he stopped trying to contact me.
    I’m working out again, stopped drinking so much alcohol, eating healthfully, started really pursuing my dream career.
    Began romancing myself. Got a manicure. Went to art shows with my girlfriends, flirted and smiled at other men, allowed men to buy me drinks and didn’t “chase” any of them. Just recieved and thanked and danced and enjoyed. Then went home… hah.
    But still miss my year long bf. I read this blog about “Get Your Man Back” and I really REALLY did the work. This started six days ago. By the fourth day I really was questioning whether I really wanted him back.
    There were some nights that I really was so tempted to call him or just drive by his house to see if he’s home. But I resisted. I read the blog about the rubber band and I realized that I need to be strong in my stance and if he is still thinking about me, then the resistance is building up. I have to be the anchor. I didn’t contact him at all.
    Finally today he texted me, “Please, can we talk.”
    I gave him a time that I would be available and told him if he called me during that time I would spend some time talking to him.
    I really got clear about what I wanted….. not from our whole relationship….. but honestly… what I wanted just from this one phone call. I realized I wanted to feel happiness. I wanted to feel relaxed. I wanted to revel in the anticipation of hearing his voice again. And I wanted it to lead to another phone call sometime in the future.
    That’s all. I let everything else go. Baby steps.
    I wrote myself a note that said, “I can sit in the discomfort of perhaps hearing that he is interested in someone else, that my leaning way way back didn’t work and that he’s over me. I can sit in that discomfort and be inner strength strong and not panic. My worry is not what he is doing, or what he’s done, or what he’s feeling. If he hurts me, or makes me angry, my job is not to accuse him of it, or even stop him from doing that. My only job is to feel the hurt, feel the anger and know that I can get past it. And then to ask myself, why do I want to feel hurt or angry ever again? Why am I staying close to somebody who makes me feel these things that I really don’t want to feel anymore. Then ask myself, what do I want to feel.”
    Anyway, he called me in the time we agreed to and he asked me how I was doing and I told him the truth. I said, “Wow, it just feels really great right now to simply hear your voice.” And then he told me how sorry he was. How he realizes that he was so caught up in his own stuff that he was taking me for granted. How he loves me and just wants to be in my life in any capacity.
    I let myself feel the good good feelings of his words. I felt so cherished because he truly was sorry. I told him, “Thank you so much. I really feel cherished by you right now.”
    But then I told him that I’m not ready to re-visit our relationship. I told him that I’m excited to finally be working on me and to finally be feeling really great about myself. But that if HE wanted to contact me at some time in the future, I would be willing to talk on the phone again. And I left it at that.
    I FEEL SO GREAT!!! I feel so empowered. I feel so strong and so wonderful!!! I want to say thank you. I’m just starting my journey with your e-book and your blog. I’m setting money aside so that I can purchase the love and dating scripts program and I can’t wait to dive into that.
    Want to say Thank you so much Rori. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt so powerful when it comes to men and dating. I’m going to be 40 in June and I’m feeling really great about my future. Thank you.



  206.  #206Pam on May 7, 2013 at 5:09 am

    Hi Rori and all,

    I have a question. Starting circular dating. First time trying this! Fun!

    I was talking to someone online dating who is moving here in a few weeks. He wants me to “show him around.”

    That feels yucky to me. I wrote “It feels so fun when a man takes the lead.” He wrote back saying “I have no problems taking the lead, but since you are in your backyard and I am not as familiar with it (other than the wineries-lol), I thought I might be able to rely on your superior local knowledge!”

    What do I say to that? It seems logical but feels icky. Thanks!



  207.  #207Brenda on May 8, 2013 at 11:16 am

    Rori,

    After 33 years together -It is just so hard to forget about him. I am almost done with your book and I realize that it is all about me! I let my nasty voice take over. I was TOTALLY overfunctioning and controlling him till he felt smothered! I have a job where my masculine energy is a requirement… I forgot how to turn it off at home. I begged for more closeness, more intimacy… so I could feel my feminine energy again… but he only withdrew more. He begged me to let him have a voice in his life, more control over his life again… but it never seemed we could do both. Now I realize it is because I was trying to make him love me… it had to be him wanting to. I resented him for saying my feelings didn’t matter. He resented me for doing everything from picking the restaurant we went to… to paying all the bills. Why couldn’t I let go? I was so afraid to let go. I’m still trying to meditate on that one every day.

    But he does still love me. He just can’t live with me that way anymore. He says he is divorcing me because he doesn’t have a choice. In two months my divorce will be final. I’ve begged and pleaded and texted my heart out – surrendered to him completely and dug deep to face all my faults… acknowledged them and began trying to change… I am learning so, so much from you! If I had only found you a year ago… before he left.

    Realizing you have lost everything you ever loved because you were doing so many things wrong… is something that is hard to ACCEPT without a fight to FIX it! That is me… I ALWAYS HAVE TO FIX IT!! Fix everything for everyone… I have felt alone and empty for so many years now. I think I gave every ounce I had trying in vain to reach him… feeling like I never mattered. But I always knew he loved me… and I just couldn’t understand why it was always so hard!

    Your book has told me way more about myself than anything I have learned about my ADD. It was only a small part of it. No, I know now that It was my masculine energy, my overfunctioning, my controlling, my taking away everything that made him feel like a man… that drove him away. And what makes me insane… is that all the time…what I wanted was to feel more like a woman with him…for him to step up and be my man again… I wanted to feel feminine again!

    I have told him I’m letting go. And this time I have to really do it. I know it is what he wanted all along. But I’m so scared. I’m scared it is too late and the damage is too great. But I’m reading your book and the blog and it has helped me see I’m not the only one.

    But I have a question… or a couple for all of you… your responses would be so appreciated…

    I know I have to let him go. But at the same time… he is not living with me… how will he ever know I’ve learned so much and that I can change? You say do nothing, yet… I’m drawn to all your emails and your “reconnecting your relationship” kit… is it possible there is anything in this that could help me now? Or is it only for people who are still with their man? Maybe it has ideas on what to say when we do bump into each other (when I pick up my daughter, etc.) even though that won’t be very often…

    Or am I just too late? If silence for the next two months isn’t enough… I just accept I don’t have a choice? Rori – you went through this… how did you finally accept it?

    —–
    Brenda – Please do this: Forget about your husband. The more you focus away from him, the closer he will come to you. The more attention you pay him, the more he will run away. Focus on yourself and on repairing the damage in your relationship with your daughter.Nothing will change until you do. You know this has to do with you getting professional help – and then DOING what the coach or therapist tells you to do, practice what they tell you to practice – until you can say, with utter confidence, that you no longer are continually crying and “losing it.” Circular Dating is crucial here – it will help you practice the self-management skills you need in order to have a meaningful relationship with anyone. Even breathing techniques and yoga will help you. Do it all for



  208.  #208Andrea on May 8, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    Oh Brenda!!! I sooooo feel what you are going through. Just on a small scale level. I have not been with a man for as long as you have.
    But I felt the intensity and I so know what you are talking about. I too took on the masculine role. I had been single, running my own business, and a mother of two for 11 years before I met “G”. So I was so used to being the “Man” in any type of relationship. I ran everything in our relationship. He took the passive role and started flirting with other women online.
    Brenda, I turned into the “fix it junkie”. I can’t even try to describe how I tried everything in the book to fix our relationship. But finally, after reading Rori’s book and blogs I realized I had to just let it ALL go. It was so hard, but I walked away. I walked away physically, emotionally, spiritually from him.
    Instead of focusing on him, I focused on myself. I did meditations. But more than everything I started to allow my self to actually FEEL. FEEL the feelings of every moment. I would remind myself every time I thought of it, to ask myself, “What am I FEELING right now.”
    I started to become so aware of myself and my feelings. I’m telling you….. it opened up a whole new world for me. I’d been THINKING and ACTING all these years. Now… I was feeling.
    One day, out of the blue… he texted me. I gave him a time to call me back. And then I prayed, meditated, and wrote about how I feel. When he called me I was sooooo vulnerable and open and sweet and feeling all of the good feelings just hearing his voice. And I was able to openly express how good it felt just to be with him in that small moment.
    Brenda, now, we have had three phone conversations and he’s saying that he’s never heard me be so honest and so open. He’s telling me that he’s so sorry for being self absorbed and for not being the man he wanted to be with me.
    He didn’t even understand why or how I was the one blocking him from being the man in the relationship. He is pursuing me like never before.
    This morning, I got to give him the “girlfriend speech”. I was allowed…. because he called me and he asked…. to tell him exactly what I wanted for my future. That is to be married to a man who fights for me, who cares for me, who puts me number one, and who lets me RECIEVE!! his love and adoration. I told him that I am dating other men and will not close the doors to other men because I know that I am looking for that connection.
    (I am really in love with this man, Brenda. Really in love with him. And I want HIM to be the one. But I also know, that I need to circular date, romance myself, and allow for the reality that maybe he isn’t the one.)
    So I told him that I’m dating other men and I’m happy. Content. He is beside himself with attraction to me now. Where as before, I was his after thought. I am still reeling from his attention toward me. But also, I’m keeping it cool.
    I’m taking care of myself. I’m focusing on myself. I’m seeing a life coach and a mental health therapist. I’m working on ME. He is secondary. And, for some reason, that has brought me up to legendary attractiveness for him.
    I’ve told him to cool it and that I still need time to adjust to his chasing me. And I’ve made it clear on no uncertain terms that I will continue to see other men until I’m taken off the market by an engagement ring. He said that he believes that he and I are not too far from speaking the same language and wanting the same things.
    I realize now that I am the one with intimacy issues. And I am not going to force myself into anything. But I felt soooooo good when he told me that. I said to him, “I am feeling so cherished by you right now and am reeling. Because of you my whole heart is smiling.”
    He beamed brighter than the sun. I made him so happy by sharing my inner most feelings with him. I think we are on the right track. It works!!!!!
    But… I had to DO the Work on ME first. I really had to walk away from him energetically and emotionally and just leave him alone. I had to let him come to me….



  209.  #209Brenda on May 10, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    Andrea – thank you. I cried and cried when I read your post… it meant so much to me. I am really struggling… I’m not strong enough. I think I’m going to be… but then I fall into despair again. It is just too much of a shock to my system… after 33 years of loving this man and thinking we were soulmates… to now go home (which is the hardest time for me) to an empty house… silent and lonely. Whenever I felt bad in my life, I went to him to lay my head against his chest… I miss him so badly.

    I am doing, or at least trying to do what Rori says… I just finished her book. I’m trying to meditate, but I find it just makes me hurt more… it makes me stop… and feel it… instead of just trying to ignore it. I’m trying to get out there – but I don’t have any single friends, I’m too old to go to bars… going alone seems so pathetic…but I’ve signed up for some “meetup” groups where singles get together and do fun things… so maybe in time… but how on earth do you circular date??? I’ll be lucky to get even one date? Much less more!

    I can’t stop feeling like this clock is ticking – it is freaking me out! The divorce will be final in 78 days…if he doesn’t change his mind. I just now let go… stopped texting and stuff…that just isn’t enough time! I never even see him…

    All I can do is wait. If he still loves me, he’ll call. If not…my throat chokes… if not, we’ll be divorced officially on our 29th wedding anniversary.

    I’m sorry – this is so hard. Thank you so very much. I hope things work out for you… It sounds like you figured things out in time. I think you are a really strong woman. I am going to keep your posts and read them to remind me what I can do! Thank you!



  210.  #210Andrea on May 10, 2013 at 1:14 pm

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. And I am so understanding.
    I’ll tell you what I went through yesterday and today: Two things, I got kind of asked out for a coffee date by a guy and I said, Yes. (scary)
    And my “G” texted me some messages in the morning but then didn’t call me all day, evening, night.. the next morning a text.. boooo (so sad for me)
    But, I went through this thing of feeling extremely extremely sad. First of all, I think, because I was feeling so sad, my mind wanted to manufacture a reason. (the THINKING woman) So I went ahead and blamed it on anxiety over going on a coffee date with a new man, or rejection cause G didn’t call me.
    But then, the feelings kept coming and I finally allowed myself to sit in the feelings. Soon I was crying, bawling, wailing. While I was fixing my hair for my coffee date, the tears were streaming down my face.
    And then it all came bubbling up that this sadness was not about G or a new man… it was about Mother’s Day. It was about how I have been a man and woman to my children for so long now. It was about how my Mom was also a single mom. It was about how all through my childhood I felt rejected and lonely because of my dad. It was about realizing that these feelings of rejection are what is NORMAL for me. It was about realizing that this will be NORMAL for my daughters as well.
    I cried and cried and cried. Having opened the door to some feelings…. lots of feelings swept there way into my experience.
    Honestly, if G would have called last night and given me some attention, I would have covered up my TRUE feelings and would have made myself happy because of him. Since he didn’t give me that distraction, and since now, because of Rori, I am learning not to go chasing the distraction, I just had to FEEL!!!!!!
    Today I took the day off work. I had my little coffee date. I biked to the coffee shop and met with my date. We talked for an hour, then I thanked him and told him goodbye. I went out to my bike, and there, tucked into my wicker was a note from “G”. It just said, “I love you. G.”
    I realized that instead of a phone call from him, I needed time to be by myself and cry. I biked along a trail by the lake and I cried and cried and cried. Cried for all of us Moms who are trying so hard to give better to our daughters. Cried for everything. I don’t know when I’ll be done crying, but it’s nice to know that I’m not blocking it. Or using G to distract myself from it.
    I feel like I have never allowed myself this freedom before.



  211.  #211Brenda on May 10, 2013 at 2:35 pm

    Andrea- I am sorry (and happy?) for you to be going through such an emotional time. So much of what you said resonated with me… I feel your emotions like they are mine. You are a good mother, even if you are tough and did what needed to be done. They will know it and appreciate you for it some day. You are an inspiration – I hope I can gain as much understanding from Rori as you have… and quickly… but maybe it wasn’t meant to be… Wow – can’t believe I’m saying that…

    I feel like I’m on a roller coaster ride too… feeling determined one minute and crying my eyes out the next. But this site and Rori – are such a blessing! Just after writing my last post I started reading other posts… and I was instantly uplifted and encouraged! I just have to keep reading!! It is a little overwhelming! But in a good way.

    I never thought of it that way… but I think I was a masculine parent to my daughter too… BIG TIME! I always worried about what needed to be done to take care of her… to make her happy, but also for her medical issues, her anxieties, her social (or lack of) social confidence… and on and on… but I was never really just “with her.” She used to adore me. But after her dad left, it was a bad time for me… and we fought a lot. She is almost 16… dealing with her own teenage stress… and got sick of having to deal with mine too… so 3 weeks ago, after fighting with me, she stormed off to live with her dad. I didn’t think I could feel worse – but now I do!

    But… in those moments when I’m feeling stronger… I realize it is actually good for all of us.

    I know she will eventually be ready to come back. She wants to be away from the emotional upheaval… I don’t blame her. She hates us for getting divorced and wanted me to just forget about it. She just couldn’t understand why I wasn’t moving on. But it has only been a year since he left (we only separated at first), and only 4 months since he filed the divorce papers… I’ve been with him since I was 16…. the same age as her almost… no one really understands the gravity of it… but me. I tried to keep it to myself around her… but all her drama over the most trivial things… and taking it out on me at every turn… just brought it out.

    It will be good for him too – until then… he gets to be the “man” parent… deal with all the drama… the fits over makeup and clothes and watching the boys… though… she never seems to go as crazy on him as she does me… (mother/daughter thing)… which hurts and just validates his thinking that it is all ME.

    And lastly, it will be good for me… I can keep reading and start taking care of me… meditating… working out again… it was so hard when I was dealing with a grumpy teenager every day to ever feel at peace… is that horrible? I love her so much and miss her terribly…

    Geez I’m all over the map! But off to read more!! Thanks Andrea! Stay calm and carry on! Just knowing you all are out there makes me feel not so alone – there are some people who get what I’m going through and that means the world to me!!

    Thank you!!



  212.  #212Brenda on May 10, 2013 at 2:41 pm

    Andrea – I also want to say I am amazed at your story – it really is hard to know what to do… so having Rori’s book helps. I’m glad you are learning to listen to your feelings… I think I’m going to take a while. The meditating seems to bring them out… we’ll see!

    Did G drop off the note while you were in the coffee shop? He is sure doing the chasing now! You keep it up. Keep me posted!



  213.  #213Femininewoman on May 10, 2013 at 3:53 pm

    Andrea thanks for sharing those beautiful comments. Thanks for crying for me. Now I feel like crying for myself and for my daughter. Struggling to both mother and father for my kids is one of the things that put me in masculine mode. Being a single mom is no easy feat.



  214.  #214Femininewoman on May 10, 2013 at 4:30 pm

    Yeah Brenda. Kids are different with their dads and with other people than they are with their moms.



  215.  #215Maureen on May 13, 2013 at 2:51 pm

    Rori, these 7 steps feel really positive and right for my situation at this time. I had a talk with a guy that I have been very casually seeing since January. Things have been slow indeed. He is almost 45 (my question around this in a minute) and never been married with no children. I am 43 in the same boat. We actually met for one date in August 2013 that went well and he came back at the end of the week and said I was too spiritual. He reconnected with me in December and then we started playing Scrabble on-line, chatting cyber style. We then met in person in February and have seen each other only about 5 times since in person. I like him. On the weekend, I asked in a feminine and soft way that it would feel great to meet and connect one a week. He said that would not work due to his work and that he could only offer once a month. Ugh! Not really enough for building anything here. I was very sweet and kind in saying I wish him the best with his work and that I needed a bit more at this time. I felt sad after this conversation. He said “Thank you Maureen.”
    I feel Circular Dating is the way to go and yet I am dealing with the stress of finding work and this is a bit of a distraction as he abeen a focus for me. And…his birthday is in a week and if I pull back…does this mean not even a quick “Happy Birthday” on FB? Your answer is probably, No, Right?

    Any suggestions would be appreciated…



  216.  #216Rori Raye on May 14, 2013 at 8:45 am

    Maureen, Welcome, and I’m deleting your last name for your privacy. May I be frank with you? What I hear in your comment is inexperience with men. What this man said, when he said you were too “spiritual,” was that he was not sexually attracted to you. Your inexperience with men is leading you to believe that “friendship” is the same as romantic love, and it’s not, and your stress with work is confusing your judgment. This man is NOT in any way connected to you – please, please, please just let him go. If you truly ARE spiritual, then take the attitude that the right man will want to be with you, and just ignore and forgive the rest. Forgive yourself for even thinking a man who doesn’t want to be with you is somehow “good” for you…learn and get moving forward. Love, Rori



  217.  #217Sandy on May 21, 2013 at 8:14 pm

    i miss my ex. we dated for about an year and he broke up with me saying he really has no feelings for me, and that he doesnt want me anymore and he just pretty much told me to get out of his life. 2 months after the break up im missing him to the point where i just dont know what to do.

    Things that i tried:
    *Move away from him
    *Started talking to other men (circular dated)
    *Did all i could to occupy myself so i dont sit and think about him

    Nothing worked. The guys i dated, the players, the good ones, none of them seem to make me feel the way i want to. I miss the way he used to make me feel.

    So i tried to talk to my ex. I thought that its been 2 months and maybe he might talk to me. I got on skype and he was on so i tried video calling, audio calling, sent him 2 IMs and got no response. i gave up. i wanted to cry but instead i went and danced in the bathroom to shake the feeling away and kept myself busy.

    Now I am to the point where i just want to get back with him. There were some misunderstandings that caused all the trouble. I want to clear em up but dont know how.

    Rori, Please, is there any technique or tool i can use to get him back? I really miss him.



  218.  #218Rori Raye on May 22, 2013 at 10:13 am

    Sandy, Welcome – and I know we can help you. Here’s the only question to ask (not – “How can I get him to love me..) but “Why am I even REMOTELY interested in a man who isn’t crazy for me?” In my world, there’s absolutely no time in our lives, no energy, no heart, no anything – for a man who isn’t loving us consistently, well, and with a desire to keep it going forever. Love, Rori



  219.  #219Tina on May 28, 2013 at 10:51 am

    Please can someone help me? I’m still in such a state? X



  220.  #220Dominique on May 28, 2013 at 11:31 am

    What’s going on Tina?

    xxoo



  221.  #221Rori Raye on May 28, 2013 at 11:32 am

    Tina – I’m turning your question and my answer into a post…Love, Rori



  222.  #222Tina on May 28, 2013 at 11:50 am

    Dominique – this is what I put – I was with a guy for a year and four months. From Christmas time it all started going wrong – his mother didn’t like me and it was clear he wouldn’t stand up for me. We had a year of a brilliant relationship. Then his words and actions weren’t matching – he was full of I love yous but the actions weren’t the same. I called a day on the relationship because of this and the fact his mother planned a family trip and I wasn’t involved at all. He was quite happy for me to be left out. I may add we met and he walked out on his marriage 5 days later!

    He was very gutted when I asked him to get all of the stuff out of my house and I asked him to leave. Five days later I got an email saying that he had meant everything he’d said but admitted his feelings had changed and he was concerned at our bickering (normally around his actions and words not matching and his mother).

    We met and chatted and I said we would have two weeks apart to have a think about what we wanted – he came back and said his feelings had changed and that he would probably very much regret letting me go but he felt he needed counselling as he’d brushed so much under the carpet for the past years and he felt he needed some time on his own. Even though he is living with his mother!

    I was shocked at this – it was five weeks ago.

    Today I have learnt that he was out with a girl with a group of friends including his brother. I text him to say so much for needing time to get your head around things. He was so cold and came back and said I’ve been seeing someone for a few weeks but believe what you want and I’m not getting into a slagging match.

    I am so so hurt that I have been replaced within a matter of weeks. I have been crying all night and hate feeling this way. I feel he has blatantly lied to me and then just gone and met someone else and was sitting holding her hand today! I feel stupid and worthless. How can he be like this when he said he loved me?? I’ve already been so depressed about this but I feel so so low!

    Please help me xx



  223.  #223Tina on May 28, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    Hey Rori – thanks! Can I just ask in the response you sent me (which was well appreciated). you said take what you’ve written here as helpful – you say if I don’t do these things – do you mean change my vibe etc – I didn’t quite understand your message and so want to.

    also if a man can move on so fast surely he doesn’t love me? Right? We have had some communication as he owes my mother money and I’ve text a few times to ask him about that and he’s been quite arrogant and not at all nice like the person I knew. Please help me turn this around please? Xxx



  224.  #224Christina on May 30, 2013 at 1:54 am

    Rori,

    At the time I wrote my last post I had not been circular dating, but I started just a few weeks ago along with purchasing your ebook. I immediately understand how circular dating is a must for being able to regain confidence and shift my vibe. My ex and I had a small talk (on skype) the other night and he couldn’t stop smiling at me like he used to and saying how good I looked and asking when we could talk again. Now the moment has come that I have to talk to him about the plane ticket and I have no idea what I’m supposed to say. I’m so nervous. Even though the guy I was dating was insanely good for my confidence, since he lives abroad and had to return obviously we ended things, and I kind of feel back at square one. I do feel much more confident since I have been focusing on myself and traveling, but when it comes to my ex I am so afraid of what might come in the conversation and how I will react. Any advice would be appreciated from anyone regarding how to handle this conversation!

    P.S. Andrea your post really really resonated with me and thank you for your words of wisdom and sharing your experiences! Keep strong everyone!