Get Your Subconscious Onboard With Your Desire For Love

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intimacyI was going through some old papers I’d saved with notes, and found these two lovely pieces..

This one’s a quote from Sandra Beswick, who you may know as one of the great figure skating choreographers, talking about “going for the gold” at major competitions like National, World and Olympic figure skating championships:

“At this point it has nothing to do with technique. It has everything to do with harnessing desire.” …Sandra Beswick

**I don’t know who wrote this next piece, so I can’t even credit it…but I thought it was VERY helpful. (I edited it a bit so it was clearer and step-by-step, but otherwise I consider it a “guest post”):

Beckoning Your Perfect Mate

In order to attract your life partner, you must hold a firm conviction that he exists. As easy as it sounds, most people are not completely convincedthere’s a perfect mate for them.

The mass consciousness covertly feeds this lack of optimism by convincing single women over 40 they are statistically more likely to be struck by lightening or mugged then received a marriage proposal.

Personally we may feel we need to be “perfect” to attract someone.

The thing is: In order to attract your life partner, you must wholeheartedly believe it IS possible!

No matter what you say, all what you think you think, your subconscious can be completely working against you.

You may strongly desire a manย  (in studies using the art and science of kinesiology, where they do “muscle testing” to find out what’s really going on under our consciousness, results showed less than 60% are sure their mate even exists, and many are only about 25% sure) – and yet, your subconscious may be rejecting the whole idea.

How can you beckon your partner if you only partially believe in him?

It’s important to resonate 100% with the belief your man exists.

To shift your subconscious belief system to complete alignment with your desires and wishes tried these:

(From Rori – I couldn’t find an exact definition of “vital force” – so make it up any way you like!):

1. Get the attention of your subconscious by interfering with one of the automatic body functions it manages — your breath.

2. Slow your breathing by taking 60 inhales and exhales.

2. Hold your hands in front of you, palms facing.

3. Instruct your subconscious to collect and retain vital force between your palms.

4. Create vital force by taking six breaths, inhaling to the count of 10, holding for the count of 10, and reading out to the count of 10.

5. Feel the vital force build between your palms.

6. Instruct your subconscious to release a charge of vital force to your superconscious…

***(From Rori: here’s the wikipedia definition of superconscious:

Higher consciousness, also called Super consciousness (Yoga), objective consciousness (Gurdjieff), Buddhic consciousness (Theosophy), Cosmic consciousness, God-consciousness (Sufism and Hinduism),Christ consciousness (New Thought) and are expressions used in various spiritual traditions to denote the consciousness of a human being who has reached a higher level of evolutionary development and who has come to know reality as it is (Sanskrit: Yatha bhuta).

Here’s the link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Higher_consciousness

***continuing: …

…6. Instruct your subconscious to release a charge of vital force to your superconscious… telling your superconscious to use the energy to complete the following request:

>> Say 10 times with conviction: “I align 100% with the idea that my perfect man, my perfect life mate exists.”

7. After you have stated this 10 times, close your eyes and envision the outline of an indistinguishable male figure surrounded in green light.

>>Imagine he’s coming toward you.

>>As he approaches, extend your hand and visualize the hand of your mate extend to you as well.

>>Place your other hand on your heart.

>>Touch fingers as you connect energetically.

>> Imagine the coursing of energy through your hands and into your heart.

>>Maintain energetic contact for at least one minute.

>> Release contact with your mate.

8. Say: “Although I am releasing your hand in my visualization, I maintain blended with you energetically. I hold that connection in my heart until we physically meet.”

Your energy field now resonates with 100% conviction that there is a perfectly for you support your new vibration and unfettered desire to find your mate.

Let me know if this helps get your whole self on board for love…

Love, Rori

 

 

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872 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on June 7, 2012 at 6:46 am

    Yayy



  2.  #2Dominique on June 7, 2012 at 6:48 am

    For me it was just a dream, but it was a very vivid, lucid dream, one I sink deeply into almost every night before sleeping.

    Even though I had resigned myself to having to be with my ex for always since I couldn’t seem to extricate without threats or begging which broke my resolve (or at least I thought I had resigned myself) apparently the dream was the stronger force.

    Since I was unable to leave, I manifested him wanting to end our marriage instead. It was the best gift he could have given me. And my dream man showed up two weeks later (reappeared actually).

    So it IS possible. Anything is possible when you believe it with all you have.

    xxoo



  3.  #3Femininewoman on June 7, 2012 at 6:50 am

    “in studies using the art and science of kinesiology, where they do โ€œmuscle testingโ€ to find out whatโ€™s really going on under our consciousness, results showed less than 60% are sure their mate even exists, and many are only about 25% sure)”

    I first heard about this concept from Christian
    Carter he recommended the book Power vs Force. It was a bit of a difficult read but I walked away more convinced about the power of intention. Once that intention is set it shows up even in our muscles.



  4.  #4Queenbee on June 7, 2012 at 7:12 am

    I love this! Didn’t realize how half on board for love I’ve been. Gonna do this. Yay!! ๐Ÿ™‚



  5.  #5Femininewoman on June 7, 2012 at 7:21 am

    “my perfect man, my perfect life mate exists.โ€

    This the belief I have why I can’t sleep with “just anybody”.



  6.  #6Iamabutterfly on June 7, 2012 at 7:24 am

    Whoa. This post makes me feel sad, because my subconscious HAS been sabtaging my desire for love, and it also makes me feel curious and blown away!



  7.  #7sunshinegirl on June 7, 2012 at 7:25 am

    I put one hand on my heart and extended the other…I could imagine him there…just wondered who he is, do I already know him, or if not, when will I meet him? I’m so impatient



  8.  #8T-Girl on June 7, 2012 at 7:37 am

    Omg love this post.



  9.  #9Angela on June 7, 2012 at 7:51 am

    as a christian woman, this is simply faith in action. The bible says, “faith without works is dead”

    so the “work” is the desire and practice (described in the post), which manifests the perfect life partner into being.

    some people may think desire is not works but it is. christians may refer to desire as hope. Sometimes desire is even harder than the other work, because it is raw and exposes our soul to the universe.



  10.  #10Emoticon on June 7, 2012 at 8:11 am

    *subscribed



  11.  #11Heart on June 7, 2012 at 8:14 am

    Wow….that was amazing. I want to do it again



  12.  #12Pamalam on June 7, 2012 at 8:23 am

    Angela,

    I love this “Sometimes desire is even harder than other work, because it is raw and exposes our soul to the universe.”

    That’s exactly how I felt doing this exercise…admitting the desire and walking with intention and hope leaves me feeling vulnerable, but I do believe my future husband exists.

    Like Femininewoman, I am choosing to honor him by not sleeping with just anyone…which is NOT easy.

    Pamalam

    P.S. I’ve been gone for a year and a half, but am back for now I a new relationship is burgeoning and I need the collective wisdom of the women here. Hi again!



  13.  #13Rebecca on June 7, 2012 at 8:34 am

    I feel so sad today.. I’m wondering whether to lean forward with this guy I like. I felt a bit off with him when I bumped into him yesterday. But I feel like I am doing all the running. Plus I am scared he will reject the smallest of gestures. Or worse – make fun of me. Gosh, I really want to see him. He seemed quite friendly yesterday – but I don’t know I just don’t trust him. He still glazed over when I started to speak about my problems – and was my authentic self – he soon disappeared at that point. So why do I like him??



  14.  #14Mel on June 7, 2012 at 8:35 am

    Morning ladies!

    I am seeking some opinions/experiences…

    My dad loves me very much (and I him). He can be quite protective and intense at times. He loves to give unsolicited advice (LOL) and this clashes with my independent nature. I always listen, but inside I feel all imposed upon and not trusted and like I can’t stick up for myself. I feel like I can never get anything ‘right.’

    I find it very difficult to tell him things. It’s like I turn into a little girl again and get all clammed-up and worried that he will not ‘approve.’ My ‘girl’ says it doesn’t matter whether he approves or not… but the little girl does care.

    It’s time to tell him I’ve decided to live with Mr A. I feel anxious. I wish I could just say… this is what I’m doing and I feel happy… ta da!

    But with him, I always feel the need to be all explain-y and to justify everything and be like “DAAAAAD, I really can make good decisions!

    Advice?



  15.  #15Femininewoman on June 7, 2012 at 8:38 am

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    One of my favorite tools is a simple but powerful one that you can use anywhere you are. Whenever you’re around men – and this should be almost everywhere – pay attention to your body language. Chances are you might be leaning forward. This actually shifts your energy into that of a masculine vibe and can prevent a man from approaching you.

    But there are many ways you can lean forward — and not just physically. You are leaning forward when you call him to say you’re worried because you haven’t heard from him, and you’re also leaning forward when you send him a text message when he hasn’t called (even if you think you’re just being friendly). You lean forward whenever you have the urge to come closer to a man when what you would really like is for him to make a move.

    Whenever you feel the need to make contact like this when he’s not nearby, STOP. Breathe. Focus on something else in your life right away. That’s how you lean back… allowing him the space he needs to COME TO YOU.

    You can do this at home, at a party, on the couch while watching a movie. It’s all about allowing a man to reach over and be affectionate, instead of you moving TOWARD him just because you crave his touch and attention. This really works – you’ll be amazed. But you must allow that space by leaning back, staying in your space, and receiving.

    And when you find your body leaning forward around a man, really come into your body. Then plant one foot behind the other and lean your body back. This will open your shoulders – and more importantly your heart – and will soften your entire vibe, making you more receptive.

    It’s a very subtle move that can have a HUGE impact on your interactions with men.”



  16.  #16Femininewoman on June 7, 2012 at 8:40 am

    “Itโ€™s time to tell him Iโ€™ve decided to live with Mr A”.

    Why?



  17.  #17Femininewoman on June 7, 2012 at 8:42 am

    Rebecca – “So why do I like him??”

    Maybe because subconsciously you want what you can’t have?



  18.  #18Femininewoman on June 7, 2012 at 8:46 am

    Hi Pam welcome back. I remember you.

    I have publicly and intentionally started to admit and acknowledge the desire to get the dirty secret out of my system. I used to feel ashamed for having the desire believing I was broken and a good man would not want me.



  19.  #19Mel on June 7, 2012 at 8:47 am

    @FW…

    Because I’m changing my address very soon.

    He’s going to ask why! Heehee! ๐Ÿ˜€



  20.  #20Femininewoman on June 7, 2012 at 8:50 am

    I feel sad and shaky now that I have written that. I feel my chest tightening and around my nose tighten up. And yes my tongue. Now it is rising up through my face into my head and I feel like running and crying.

    Now I feel shakiness in my stomach.

    I have been told from birth that something was wrong with me and I physically manifested people throughout my life to reinforce that belief.

    Now I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself. I intend to release that belief and reprogram my subconscious.

    Even though I feel all this tension and fear I feel open to relaxing my body and changing my beliefs.



  21.  #21Femininewoman on June 7, 2012 at 8:53 am

    Mel I would just let him ask. If you keep reporting to home base like you did as a child you will keep getting parental advice. As a adult think that you are responsible for yourself. Maybe just bring it up when necessary. If you don’t need his blessing or permission to live your life then don’t seek it, is my opinion.



  22.  #22arrowofthyme on June 7, 2012 at 8:57 am

    Awesome.



  23.  #23Mel on June 7, 2012 at 8:57 am

    It just feels a little impersonal to say “I’m moving, here’s my new address” like I was updating my contact info with the post office or something…



  24.  #24Heart on June 7, 2012 at 8:58 am

    Rebecca – could you write a little more on the conversation where you talked about your problems?



  25.  #25arrowofthyme on June 7, 2012 at 9:09 am

    Im at work and I’m running outside to do this.



  26.  #26Rebecca on June 7, 2012 at 9:16 am

    Heart ~ yes I started to open up about a work situation and how badly I was being treated and how angry and scared I was. I feel like I am being pushed out of the company because one person doesn’t like me ~ and has been very rude to me.

    I told him that it was all coming to a head now and that I was super stressed about it and quite literally was dealing with it there and then.

    He just seemed not interested and like he didn’t know what to say ~ and he didn’t want tk get involved.

    I felt very hurt by this as obviously its a huge part of my life.



  27.  #27lk on June 7, 2012 at 9:28 am

    fw, me too. that belief that fundamentally i am very deeply twisted in my soul & a real man of Symmetry & Light would see the darkness & shield himself from my violent, sucking, sinking waters……… & i do find the siren image helpful for re-framing that…..

    like, i imagine how “sirenity” is LIKE – similar to – the mythological creatures who are magnetic & dangerous & irresistible… however, i Choose to be the True Female Partner from the Odyssey, which is Penelope – she is a creative worker, a cunning mind, an independent thinker, a politic leader, a diplomatic matriarch, an efficient manager & a nurturing mother….. she is the woman to whom Odysseus travels toward, undaunted (ok, ok, i have a little romantic revision going on here…. where we skip the Circe interlude, for example…lol)….. & to whom he is ultimately Loyal.



  28.  #28Radlove on June 7, 2012 at 9:31 am

    Hi, I’m on my lunch break at work. I’m flirting with my eyes with my supervisor, who I find very attractive, LOL! I am unsure if he is married. He has no ring, but I guess that doesn’t mean anything.

    Heart, thanks for your feedback on my text. Don’t worry, I feel very receptive to constructive criticism – that is the reason I post that personal stuff. I feel vulnerable, but I am working hard on correcting the parts in me that are broken.

    I feel confused a lot as to how to interact with men. Like in my mind, I’m using Rori’s tools, stating my feelings, even if they aren’t always positive. So why is that sometimes ok and sometimes not? How do I know when to say that feels yucky or I feel angry, etc.?



  29.  #29lk on June 7, 2012 at 9:31 am

    BUT SHE NEVER GOES LOOKING FOR HIM lol, she just chills & does What She Wants — she’s still the Vessel, the Cup, the Receiving partner, the Prize (wow, is she the Prize – her hall is full of suitors for the entire 10 years Odysseus is away !)



  30.  #30Radlove on June 7, 2012 at 9:37 am

    Pamalam,

    11 – Welcome back! I’ve missed you!



  31.  #31Heart on June 7, 2012 at 9:44 am

    Ok Rebecca – I’m questioning whether you were coming from an Authentic place or whether you were having the vibe of –> “I’m Sharing my problems with you because I’m trying to test you and see if you can be there for me”.

    It feels like – from what you wrote and your disappointment that you had an agenda. He could have sensed that and backed away..



  32.  #32Radlove on June 7, 2012 at 9:53 am

    Receiving Girl,

    679 from https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/vocal-attraction-use-your-voice-to-attract-your-partner/ – “Radlove @674 I agree with Heart. I feel sometimes itโ€™s what, or rather, how you talk to R which pushes him away.”

    I feel really confused as to how and when to use the feeling messages. Of course no one is going to “like” it if you say “I feel angry”. Yet Rori says to be genuine in the moment. And to not put on a happy, unruffled veneer just to keep a phony phorm of peace.

    If you or anyone has any tweaks on my texts to R, I would appreciate it. I felt almost shocked at some of the stuff he said. I mean, one friend had told me at the time of his birthday that it was downright rude to not at least say thank you when someone wishes you a happy birthday, no matter what else is going on.

    I try to be positive, and I normally am. How do I not accept second class treatment? I don’t get it. I am really feeling lost as I shift from taking crumbs and downright abusive treatment in the past to accepting only prince-like treatment.

    “Is he schizophrenic?”

    Yes, it affects him and our relationship in a lot of negative ways at times. He can be up one minute and down the next. It feels confusing and painful at times around him.

    You are so good at giving advice to the sirens here. I wonder if you were to go back and read you post as if it was not yours, but one of ours, if you would look at it in a different way.

    Thank you, I do that actually. I am more and more closing the gap between my intellect, which is capable of parroting Rori and reasoning objectively, and my emotions, which are really damaged and contain a lot of pain.

    “I feel this kind of interaction feeds something inside of you. What is that?”

    I want the positive interaction. I feel cringeing when I say I felt angry or frustrated over something. I am doing my best to apply Rori’s tools. I am trying to be true to myself, even when people don’t like it.

    Am I supposed to wear the veneer most of the time? I don’t want the negative interactions. The positive interactions with R feed my loneliness as with no other person on earth! He reaches to my heart of hearts and soul of souls like no one else I have ever known. I want to feel intimate with him emotionally and spiritually.

    “R is telling you how he feels, but it seems you donโ€™t believe what he says. Why is that?”

    I believe what he says in general. but when a man ends the friendship and opens it back up over and over, tens of times, after a while I don’t believe it when he says he is ending the friendship. This is a case in point. In capital letters he is saying go away leave me alone, yet the next night, he is being friendly and open.



  33.  #33Rebecca on June 7, 2012 at 9:55 am

    FW ~ yes, definately a case of wanting what I canโ€™t have. It feels like he is taunting me by dangling the proverbial carrot infront of my face..



  34.  #34lk on June 7, 2012 at 9:58 am

    rebecca, have you seen the south park episode where kyle’s mom gets a shake weight ? & it’s telling her all the stereotypical things that women want to hear… ?

    like, “you’re a strong, independent woman. you look great. you’re amazing.” & then it goes, “tell me about the women you dislike most at work”

    LOL… um… so i suspect that a) you have expectations of his behavior & also b) he has experience with this type of conversation with a woman lol : )

    what do you think ?



  35.  #35Heart on June 7, 2012 at 9:59 am

    Radlove – you have a hot supervisor to flirt with

    Radlove – I think you just need to stick to the basic outline of – I feel I don’t want What do you think?

    Instead it seems like your being- I feel Yuky. You didnt responds to my email! I feel bad. K is so much cooler than you! I feel icky. I’m the princess!! (^_^) lol!

    You’re not even giving yourself room to – Be Surprised.

    Also, it comes across to me….than you went into the converstion with an agenda. The agenda seemed to be: You didn’t respond to me. I felt unloved now I’m here telling all these things because I want you to apologise and make me feel loved.

    Of course he’s not going to do it….He felt attacked.



  36.  #36Radlove on June 7, 2012 at 10:06 am

    Heart,

    35 – Yikes, you’re right! Thanks for helping me understand my dynamic better.

    I went in with not the thought of doing that, but I see that is in effect what I did.

    I had sent him the new number, and I shouldn’t have initiated to begin with. He could have emailed me, and he goes to my church. But then after i sent it, it was eating at me, the same feeling I had when I wished him happy birthday (and shouldn’t have!). Ok, another lesson to tuck under my belt. I’m feeling more clear on it. Cringeing at myself.

    I love my cringeing. I love my errors. I love my feeling of failure.

    I am still a Siren, and I am being more who I want to be by being more self aware.

    I vote for me. I love me.



  37.  #37Rebecca on June 7, 2012 at 10:08 am

    Lk ~ yes very insightful! I do feel like that. I think I sense that from him and I am very much feeling like I am falling into that stereotype. Haha it’s funny when its not you ie Kyles mum – but when I see myself like that I just cringe… Is that what you mean? My behaviour is a bit cringeworthy? Bitchy even? Jealous of other women. Not sure if that is your point?



  38.  #38LobbyStar on June 7, 2012 at 10:08 am

    Two messages from new guys on the dating site today.

    I feel gun shy.



  39.  #39Emerson on June 7, 2012 at 10:13 am

    I teared up as I read this part:
    >>Imagine heโ€™s coming toward you.

    >>As he approaches, extend your hand and visualize the hand of your mate extend to you as well.

    >>Place your other hand on your heart.

    >>Touch fingers as you connect energetically.

    ((FW))

    lk I like reading your posts ๐Ÿ™‚



  40.  #40Emoticon on June 7, 2012 at 10:15 am

    My subconcious is too good 4 its own self lol…. 2day i got lost on the way to work and ended up at the Rockefeler center instead. On my way to my actual job… i said i keep getting lost and ending up at yakees stadium and the rockefeler center, maybe thats where i belong.

    An hour later my friend texted me and asked me if i wanted to go there tonight to see Chris Brown for free!!



  41.  #41Radiant Rising on June 7, 2012 at 10:16 am

    Sitting on pins and needles. Loverboy called me twice yesterday but I missed his calls. ๐Ÿ™ He emailed me letting me know he will try to call today in between flights and meetings as he is traveling for work. I feel smiley thinking he’s hopping on flights, jetting off to meetings, I don’t know why. ๐Ÿ™‚ I don’t think I will be able to talk to him today. ๐Ÿ™ Tomorrow and Saturday I have to work. I was hoping we’d have the chance to speak as I had something important to share with him. Oh well. There is always tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that…we’ll have our chance to speak. ๐Ÿ™‚



  42.  #42Heart on June 7, 2012 at 10:18 am

    Radlove – I kinda love your first message to R though…it was a mess but a beautiful mess…Very drunk Rock star- ish.



  43.  #43ReceivingGirl on June 7, 2012 at 10:27 am

    @13 Mel

    I can so relate to your post. I feel the same way with my father. He has a need for control and I have a need not to be controlled. I have yet to find good advice for myself, so I am sorry I have nothing to offer you.



  44.  #44Rebecca on June 7, 2012 at 10:28 am

    Heart ~ in my heart (ahem!) I don’t “think” it’s that. I always get disappointed with anyone who cuts me off when I am talking. Even if I was talking about something really trivial. I would suffer masses of disappointment – and always do.

    I don’t “think” it’s that. I think I just feel sad because I know he sort of likes me, it’s just not enough to really invest in me… I think.

    For me there is a general dispointment that he is NOT interested enough. But also that he doesn’t even try to humour me, or hide it. It’s almost like he is taking pleasure in dismissing me, which I find most upsetting.

    He in general is very flirty with me, but then will almost instantly pull back. I find that taunting and hurtful to be honest. I think by now he must know that I like him, so you would think he would show me some respect and stop flirting with me. It is doing my head in. This is why I have started avoiding him.



  45.  #45Emerson on June 7, 2012 at 10:31 am

    Wow Rori…this is amazing and so timely. I was literally thinking on the way home from work about this exact thing….bear with me ladies as this may sound negative but I want to get it out of my system….

    Last night as I was driving home I was really really feeling a lil hopeless but wanting to feel hopeful….thinking is the man for me even out there????

    My thoughts were, “Emerson, he probably isnt…” and all these thoughts came to me that were so negative like “it’s too late for me…I should have married Mr.Lukewarm from years ago or broken up with ToxicEx sooner blah blah blah….I blew it and ruined my life as far as chances for love.”

    It is a familiar script for me. I so want to change this. I prayed in the car for a change or some kind of miracle or shift that I need to make this change inside…

    I know those things are not true, but I struggle with this exact thing that I question whether this man is even alive on earth or not!!!

    I feel so scared that it’s true…but I want to try this exercise and change the intention.

    Also, ironically, there was a radio talk show on when I was driving home that was very captivating and it was all about intention and how we create our own reality. Whoa. It was powerful.

    I am going to spend some time today working on shifting my thoughts and intentions!!!



  46.  #46ReceivingGirl on June 7, 2012 at 10:33 am

    When I was reading the beginning of this article, I felt myself hating on our subconscious. Then, I thought, I need to do research on the subconscious so it is not in control. My subconscious may have a different idea which I’m not aware of, but I do believe there is a man out there for me. My belief is the purpose of life is to find love. That is why I keep trying to find it. I will try this exercise tonight when I get home.



  47.  #47ReceivingGirl on June 7, 2012 at 10:48 am

    Previous post @694: Femininewoman says:

    RG I believe you โ€œshould beโ€ focussing on yourself and taking care of you. Please read the new post. Your subconsious might be sabotaging you. Drawing things to yourself so you could be a rescurer? rather than facing your own demons?

    FW – I have lots of demons. I don’t feel I’m hiding from my demons. I know what they are, but I suppose I could be ignoring them. I should write them out.



  48.  #48Rebecca on June 7, 2012 at 10:48 am

    Heart ~ thinking about it, you maybe right. Everytime I see him I can’t help myself but pour my heart out to him and I sense it’s freaking him out..



  49.  #49Emoticon on June 7, 2012 at 10:53 am

    hi Heart!



  50.  #50Emoticon on June 7, 2012 at 10:55 am

    Wats up Radlove. Thanks for posting your text messages with R…. It helps me see myself from another perspective. Even if its really you, but it reminds me of myself and one of my CDs. I find it easier to think critically of others actions than my own.



  51.  #51Heart on June 7, 2012 at 10:56 am

    Rebecca – I feel compassion towards you and curious about what motivates you.
    Why did you tell him about your problems. How did you feel about when u were talking to him?

    Nothing is wrong with finding out what your agenda is….I always feel really excited when discover my motivations. It’s like unlocking some kind of mystery.

    Right now….I don’t know what is motivating me in my situation. But I heavily sense that Something is up with Me….lol. ๐Ÿ™‚



  52.  #52Heart on June 7, 2012 at 11:01 am

    Rebecca – just read your latest post. I was writing to u while you posted it. Will try to use the post number in the future.
    Think on it..remember…and come tell us!

    Hi Emoticon!



  53.  #53Emoticon on June 7, 2012 at 11:06 am

    ๐Ÿ™‚



  54.  #54ReceivingGirl on June 7, 2012 at 11:07 am

    @15

    I know I leaned forward a lot with Mr. Observant the last few days. Though, I haven’t contacted him today. I feel with his bipolar situation, he is stuck in his head and isn’t in a place right now to interact with me. I feel he wants to, but he’s just not capable of it. In this regard, I don’t feel it is leaning forward. I feel I’m showing him support by not going quiet and leaving him alone.

    I’m not asking him questions, I’m just talking. For example, yesterday, I told him how I have a rabbit’s nest in my yard and they ate all my garden plants. I’m just letting him know I’m here. I don’t want him to come out of this and think I walked away. I know he will remember.

    I kind of feel it’s like being with a person who is unconscious. In that case, you would still go to the hospital and talk to them and be there for them and worry about them until they wake up. You wouldn’t just leave them laying there all by themselves.

    What do you ladies think? Should I be thinking about this in a different way?



  55.  #55Rebecca on June 7, 2012 at 11:09 am

    Heart ~ he does draw me in by acting interested to start with. Then he always looks like he regrets getting into a conversation with me.. Yeah I feel very sad about this…



  56.  #56Radlove on June 7, 2012 at 11:10 am

    Emoticon,

    39 – Too cool!



  57.  #57ReceivingGirl on June 7, 2012 at 11:20 am

    @32 Radlove

    I will try to tweak your FMs when I get home tonight. I will need to read them again, but I think the bigger aspect is repeating them over and over. What if you were to say it once and then drop it. When he tries to debate you, don’t take the bait. It turns into both of you debating over who is treating the other one worse. That doesn’t make anyone feel good. When the conversation starts going very negative, flip it to positive. Try to keep the positive flow.



  58.  #58Heart on June 7, 2012 at 11:21 am

    # 54 ….Rebecca – Well go sink into your feelings and feel sad…would love to hear about any feelings or thoughts that come up.



  59.  #59Emoticon on June 7, 2012 at 11:24 am

    Thank you Radlove!



  60.  #60Femininewoman on June 7, 2012 at 11:25 am

    Rebecca how about flipping the carrot comment to the thought that he is just living his life?

    Who was it who give us the definition of insanity related to what we do? Rebecca ask yourself if it is obvious to you that pouring your heart out is freaking him out why would you continue doing so?

    Change your words. Be surprised.



  61.  #61Emoticon on June 7, 2012 at 11:26 am

    I feel GUILTY for leaving all my CDs and DOING ME…, BUT I DONT WANNA FEEL GUILTY.



  62.  #62Emoticon on June 7, 2012 at 11:27 am

    awww booboo u not doing anything wrong ((((me))))



  63.  #63ReceivingGirl on June 7, 2012 at 11:28 am

    @39 Emoticon

    Those kind of happenings are very intriguing. It reminds me of a story Mr. Observant told me. He was talking about premonitions. He said, he was driving and stopped at an intersection, felt a little strange, sat there a couple minutes and didn’t know why. On the way home, he got in a car accident at that same intersection. It’s a bit eerie when those things happen.



  64.  #64Rebecca on June 7, 2012 at 11:31 am

    FW ~ oh, you are right. I guess I just want there to be more there than there is and I feel sad… (( and don’t know how to stop feeling like this apart from avoiding him.. But the feelings aren’t going away and zmI just feel so drained all the time. I’ve tried everything – but I can’t seem to change my feelings and its so frustrating… I’m a bit like other sirens that have fallen for one guy in a very unhealthy way – but in my case I can’t seem to change.. I feel sad and devastated about this…



  65.  #65sunshinegirl on June 7, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Ladies, there are two new guys emailing me on dating sites…both have asked to switch to email or text. Both are good looking, both seem interested. I was reading this post this morning and imagining when I was going to meet “my guy.” Then one of these guys sent me a very unexpected text…asking me how my morning was going…and I wrote back saying I was drinking coffee, imagining when I might meet “the one” and practicing thinking positively. He wrote back and asked for my email…

    Both of these guys are new on the dating sites so I think they might be TOO excited about communicating with me. I’m worried that I’ll get too excited, too…Trying to LEAN BACK



  66.  #66Radlove on June 7, 2012 at 11:44 am

    Receiving Girl,

    56 – I appreciate your feedback.

    So hard to stay awake at my job! Training is extensive, and it is a necessary evil! It’s just read, read, read. Boring stuff, meaningless stuff. I feel bored, bored, bored, tired, tired, tired!

    How I want a nap. I feel back on my path now about how to deal with R. I don’t want to make him feel bad.



  67.  #67Emoticon on June 7, 2012 at 11:45 am

    Living with this CD for a few days is giving me soooo much practice. Leaning back is sooo easy with him tho. But he called me “bad wife” this morning lol



  68.  #68Radlove on June 7, 2012 at 11:45 am

    Receiving Girl,

    56 โ€“ I appreciate your feedback.

    So hard to stay awake at my job! Training is extensive, and it is a necessary evi(l! Itโ€™s just read, read, read. Boring stuff, meaningless stuff. I feel bored, bored, bored, tired, tired, tired!

    How I want a nap. I feel back on my path now about how to deal with R. I donโ€™t want to make him feel bad.



  69.  #69Emoticon on June 7, 2012 at 11:47 am

    I respnded
    Man, u would still marry me any chance u get!

    Him: *laughs* y dont u iron?
    Me: I hate ironing <—TRUE



  70.  #70Femininewoman on June 7, 2012 at 11:51 am

    sunshinegirl I read your comment and it seemed to me he wants to downgrade from text to email. I might be wrong, but does he have your number. Why doesn’t he call?

    For me I would tell them it would feel good to hear your voice or it would feel good to be able to see the face with the voice. When on dating sites you want face to face meetings with people on proper dates. Otherwise, for me, it is just penpals. I find the writing and reading boring.



  71.  #71Emoticon on June 7, 2012 at 11:52 am

    Not a FM… but hey, he got the point.



  72.  #72Femininewoman on June 7, 2012 at 11:53 am

    Emoticon that criticism feels bad. I heard my internal voice saying he is “test driving, now he is finding fault”.



  73.  #73Ella on June 7, 2012 at 11:55 am

    Hello Sirens,

    Ok so basically MWC had an episode and fell off the wagon. He had a drinking binge…

    At least I am pretty sure he did.

    He says he was sick.

    But that just isn’t true… well maybe he was sick, but he was hungover.

    Its not the slip up that bothers me… its the lie.

    It REALLY REALLY bothers me. And especially after I was singing his praises and talking openly about his turnaround on here the other day, makes me feel just a lil silly.

    So anyway, we haven’t really been in contact the last few days.

    I left when I realised he was lying and he knows that I don’t believe him and he has not been contacting me as he usually does.

    Today he came into work as we were changing shifts.

    He hugged me and he was shaking.

    He still looked worse for wear.

    I am thinking of e-mailing him and saying this

    “I feel ready for a relationship where I can be totally open and have complete honesty with the person. Where we can accept each other completely, even the icky parts.

    At the moment I feel very sad.

    I feel confusion, distance and mistrust.

    I don’t want to feel confusion, distance and mistrust.

    I love you. That means I am there for you. Stuff happens. Slip ups happen. It is really no big deal, even if it feels like it… Its actually part of the cycle of change… of healing.
    We are human beings. Really no dramas to me. I still feel respect for you… This stuff ISN’T a deal breaker to me…

    However dishonesty, untruth, confusion, within a relationship feel AWFUL to me.
    I know this corodes relationships, it destroys love. I don’t want that.”

    Well at least that is everything I want to say.

    Not sure if I should wait though… until he contacts me again.

    Or just send it.

    Or wait…

    For a conversation.



  74.  #74Emoticon on June 7, 2012 at 11:57 am

    FW, my first instinct was that he was joking. This guy ADORES me and would marry me any change he got. He likes doing stuff for me and was just joking because traditionally women did all the stuff that he does for me. I think it was just a stereotypical joke. But i didnt feel bad.



  75.  #75Emoticon on June 7, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    He also asks a LOT of questions about other guys so i got practice at STOPPING and NOT answering their questions and simply saying that thats personal.



  76.  #76Femininewoman on June 7, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    Criticism and blame are the things proven to erode relationships over time. 99% of the times, marriages end up in divorce because of this.



  77.  #77Radlove on June 7, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    Ella,

    72 – I feel sad with you to hear that. On the one hand, your feeling messages are very beautiful. On the other hand, I would feel even more sad if years of your life were spent vying for the love of someone who will always choose a bottle over you.

    BTW, remember me talking about Jim, the man in the mid-nineties who I regretted more than any other man? I saw him last weekend for the first time since 1996. He looked me in the eye and said, “Hellooo!” in his deep voice.

    Crossing paths with him was unexpected, and I said, “Are you Jimmy?” He said no and walked away.

    But it was him.



  78.  #78Daria on June 7, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    Ella – I would so wait… to me it seems like taking the lead in the relationship by writing him.. it feels mommy like to me



  79.  #79Daria on June 7, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    Also ideally if I were feeling centered I would notice that this person lied to me and I don’t want that in a committed relationship and would immediately drop his status and begin dating others

    and nonetheless remain open

    you seem pretty freaked out tho… ๐Ÿ™ i feel sad and anxious reading about this

    ((((Ella))))



  80.  #80Radlove on June 7, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    My supervisor, who I will call SoCool, referred to when he hit his ten year anniversary. I almost instinctively blurted, “Was that your company anniversary or your wedding anniversary?”

    He was referring to his time with the company. But it gave me a head’s up that I need to guard against overtly flirting with him. That would feel REALLY embarrassing. And I don’t even know if he is single yet.



  81.  #81Daria on June 7, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    Receiving Girl – me personally yes, I look at it in a different way

    when a guy is going through something, what helps him pull out is having a woman to chase

    a woman staying in contact and caring for him is not that woman

    so unfortunately I wouldn’t be helping him really, just mommying him. he may enjoy it in the moment (like a man enjoys a blow job) but he won’t feel attraction, a pull, or POWERFUL and LIKE A MAN abt it



  82.  #82Ella on June 7, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    Daria,

    Thank You.

    Yes, I expect I will wait.

    Probably.

    I don’t think I will date others… not yet anyway.

    Thanks for the hugs.

    I will sit with it all for a bit.



  83.  #83Daria on June 7, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    Radlove – aaack! no omgosh… i feel freaked out reading about that

    i don’t feel very comfortable at all with throwing myself at strange men though (i feel quite comfortable throwing myself at men i am in contact with – eeeeek ๐Ÿ™ )

    i’d say, stick with 5 second smile and feeling messages = flirting.

    anything else = throwing self



  84.  #84Femininewoman on June 7, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    Ella I like RadLove’s response to you also. It is beggining to seem like an endless feedback loop in a program that keeps coming back to this. I have heard Rori talk about us being arrogant enough to think that if we love a man enough things like this can change. Sorry if I trigger you but I believe like LiliBee you have to consciously cognitively accept that you have the choice to date other men who just might bring better things in your life and shine brighter lights in the world.



  85.  #85Radlove on June 7, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    Daria,

    80 – Good explanation of giving a man space to chase!

    Daria,

    82 – I know! Before I found Rori, I practiced flirting, not knowing I was going about it all wrong. It got to be habit – yet another habit I am in the process of breaking!



  86.  #86Ella on June 7, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    Radlove,

    Thanks also.

    And I don’t feel like I am wasting anything at all.

    It is all good practice and I am getting nice moments and experiences, as well as challenging ones.

    I don’t think he always chooses a bottle over me. In fact most of the time he chooses me.

    This isn’t enough for me though… I want to be top priority with my man… always.

    But we will see.

    He is seeing a counsellor that he found so that is good.



  87.  #87Radlove on June 7, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    Ella,

    85 – All right.



  88.  #88Daria on June 7, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    I’m feeling so sad about my birthday tomorrow.

    I will be 30.

    I feel pist and unsupported and forgotten and powerless with Money. So far he’s here for me $5 worth. Perhaps I can say it would feel so good to have some more for tomorrow.

    There’s lots of men who have offered to spend time w me … and i feel overwhelmed and don’t want to deal w plans right now

    and there ARE SO MANY MEN WRITING AND CONTACTING ME RIGHT NOW!!!

    i feel GUILTY! that i feel overwhelmed and havne’t been responding or planning

    and i feel sad that im not shaved or waxed or plucked or even painted

    ๐Ÿ™

    URRRGH

    and its TOMORROW!!!

    i so dont feel ready

    i dont know what to wer

    i dont have sandals

    that i want

    this girl said she will contact me and she hasnt

    the toher girls i talked to said yheah, hit them up

    i would love to get a hotel, and then go to the club and come back to the hotel, and still have the club for the next day

    and all that would take like 200$

    and i feel pist

    and a guy COOULD do it for me, and i dont want to plan

    and if eel overhwlemed

    and sad

    and alone

    and i don’t know what will happen

    likely ntohing and ill feel bored and alone and just get my nani and eyebrows waxed maybe

    and paint my toes

    by that time it will be 7 pm and i’ll have no plans

    no girls will wanna hang out anymore cuz they’ll have their own plans

    and i will wind up hanging out with watever guy gets a hold of me first

    and i feel sad

    i WANT to have a fun feeling exciting day

    where i have a hotel, and easy transportation, and fun places to go

    i want to ask this one guy i had a fun and easy day with, but i dont want to lean forward

    he DID contact me when i didnt lean forward

    and i was busy then and he wasnt VERY lean forward about pursuing me after

    and i feel sad

    and i feel drawn to contact him

    i want to feel SO special, and easy , and pampered, and IMPORTANT , and exciting for my birthday

    i feel guilty

    i should have the money and capability to do all this myslef says my mom in head voice

    and i feel guilty and scared and ashamed

    and i dont want to think that way

    i want to feel easy and honorable and honored and supported and ‘got’ and encouraged and loved and pampered and treated well

    ๐Ÿ™

    RRRGH

    i feel upset

    i love my upsetness and i want to feel excited, free, and glorious

    and taht would feel like smiling, like giddyness

    klike heart feels warma nd open and spilling and im smiling and walking around the house feeling excited!



  89.  #89Radlove on June 7, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    SoCool is single!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah! He just volunteered the information, in chatting with us (other new employees). He said I’m a single Dad! Yay!!!!! He is HOT! His eyes are gorgeous! He is very intelligent and sensitive!

    Oh, this job is gonna be fun!!!! :-))))))))))))))))))



  90.  #90Radlove on June 7, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    Radlove’s gonna be CDing at work evvvvvvvvverrrrrrrryyyyyyyyy day! Yippeeeee!



  91.  #91Daria on June 7, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    Money reminds me that I have more in a fund, and i thank him for that

    hoever i feel scared of my father if i take it out

    its there and will have a 30% penalty to take it out and he’s in contact on that account

    he will be pist, criticize me, tell me its irresponsible and wrong

    i dont want that fund. i don’t plan to use it in the way it was designed for so it’s useless really

    my dad will feel pist about losing 30% of it

    i feel guilty and afraid and taht feels like my throat tightening up

    and my jaw

    i love my tightening throat and jaw

    i wont get this Money to me by my birthday tomorrow

    i skipped picking up Money on monday by forgetting since i didnt write it in my shcedule

    i feel disappointed

    i feel afraid that Money will think I’m no longer interested by standing him up

    but i Did show him I’m interested by spending it on myself yesterday too

    hmmm



  92.  #92Radlove on June 7, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    {{{Daria}}},

    I am feeling good feelings for you and holding out for happy plans to fall together for you!! You deserve a happy, happy birthday!!!



  93.  #93Femininewoman on June 7, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    RadLove please remember it is just practice to get a better sense of yourself.



  94.  #94Daria on June 7, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    ๐Ÿ™



  95.  #95Daria on June 7, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    Thank you Radlove



  96.  #96Radlove on June 7, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    FW,

    Yes, just practice. Not looking for an outcome. But I feel very attracted to him so it will be extra good practice. Because it is with the attractive ones that I tend to feel most nervous and leaning forward. So yeah!



  97.  #97Ella on June 7, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    Yes I do feel triggered.

    Of course it keeps cycling back to this. This is a big issue that is being dealt with.

    Of course it keeps cycling back to this… because the cycle of change, and the process of healing is not smooth and flat and instant.

    Its a journey.

    With twists and turns and setbacks.

    Yes I do have some faith in this man.

    But not blind faith.

    I have seen the amazing changes he has made so far… I can feel his wanting to change this.

    And all that might not be enough.

    And if it isn’t it isn’t.

    But its not all I post about. Most of the experiences I have had in this dating relationship have been hugely positive for me.

    I might be open to dating others…

    I am not sure.

    Oh I don’t even know why I am talking about this.

    I feel un got.

    ๐Ÿ™

    I feel lonely.

    He’s just a man to me but it feels like Sirens are so down on him… or on the relationship.

    And that’s not really how it feels to me.

    But this dishonesty stuff does feel bad.



  98.  #98sia on June 7, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    Hi radlove,
    I’d thought I’d chip in, cause I am very annoyed with my experience of the birthday pressure from my surroundings.

    It was my birthday 2 days ago. I don’t give a d. A year ago I got a happy birthday text from one of my Mom’s friend, and didn’t respond. She told me she wishes to get a reply, and I apologized and asked her not to wish me Happy B. anymore – so this year she didn’t and I am glad.
    I always wish HB to everybody (have good memory for dates and numbers), but never expect a text back – it is an unconditional gift from me:)
    As I see it, HB wish over text gives me pleasure of about 1 out of 10, but then when I need to thank for it whether I feel like it or not, that is a bother – about -2, and if I were told that my behaviour is rude and treating somebody 2nd class , the overall balance is about -30. If I was told ‘I was sad not to get a thank you’ (without calling it second class treatment), I would apologize but also ask not to receive any wishes again.

    So I would say there are 3 types of reaction from me
    1) say nothing = neutral
    2) thank the gifter/wisher = positive
    3) tell the wisher that his HB text is misspelt/gift is terrible = negative (second class)

    I believe lot of people get lot of pleasure from wishes: 10/10 – so then they have energy to give back and wonder why everybody doesn’t feel the same.

    Perhaps me and you would not be suited to be friends due to this, but hopefully that doesn’t reflect badly upon either of us?



  99.  #99Daria on June 7, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    it feels so nice to write on here

    i feel a bit less overwhelmed

    so far i talked to 4 girls who said they were interested

    a few guys said they were – Cd from last nite, Cd piny, … other men did and im forgetting…

    ๐Ÿ™

    i feel overwhelmed

    my tummy feels squeezed!

    i havent done ‘party’ for my birhtday in years

    ๐Ÿ™

    i feel panicked

    i feel sad remembering having a best friend with a car

    sigh

    i feel sad

    i love my sadness

    i want to feel happy and STARRED and LOVED

    and TAKEN CARE OF

    and …. THRILLED

    FANTASTICO ECSTATIC!

    and that would feel like, this, with a touch of excitmenet and relief!

    im afraid tomorrow nothign will happen and i will feel sad and lonely like i feel some days

    i feel scared!

    i love my fear

    i love my sadness and loneliness

    i want to feel free and pleased, and full, and proud of myself, and smily

    and that would feel like expansion, like softening, like air moving freely through my hair refreshing clearing my scalp



  100.  #100Femininewoman on June 7, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    Hi sia great analogy. The other thing that came to me while reading the conversation was that some people give so they can control others. People do not like the feeling of obligation that comes with someone giving them something.



  101.  #101Daria on June 7, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    i feel guilty and overwhelmed too having a gift for my friend’s babyshower and i haven’t packaged it to send to her yet or written her a message to get an address

    i feel all ‘stuck’ around this

    i wnat to heal this

    i want to feel easy and proud of myself for having a gift and for intending to send it to her

    ๐Ÿ™‚

    i feel pist at my mom for asking me all this stuff that i want to do on my birthday that i really dont want

    i feel pist thinking that its a great possibility i will be denied if i ask her directly or my dad for money for my birthday

    i can ask in feeling messages

    i want to feel loved, supported, full, powerful, good about myself

    i feel tight in my forehead

    i love the tightness in my forehead

    i want to feel happy and clear

    i want to feel like my head feels rested and so surpringsly peaceful and like the sky

    and that would feel like harmony, openess, coolrefresheness



  102.  #102Radlove on June 7, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    FW,

    Actually that felt a lil bad, like a wet blanket on my parade. ๐Ÿ™ Pouty face.



  103.  #103Ella on June 7, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    Hmmm, I am hearing so many NVs right now.

    I think you are all thinking

    ‘Look at Ella, jumping to defend this man. She doesn’t realise he is an addict and she is co-dependant.’

    Look at her trying to defend it and protesting.

    But it really isn’t like you all think.

    Radlove, I have heard you talk about your past relationships with addicts and I feel shocked at some of what you write.

    This has never felt anything like that to me.

    He NEVER drinks around me.

    And he hardly drinks at all at the moment.

    Yes he has issues.

    Yes he is probably an addict.

    And he IS dealing with those issues.

    And he is seeing someone.

    I don’t know.

    I feel confused.

    I am swinging between agreeing with you all and knowing how this relationship *feels*

    And it is NOT the piney, piney type of thing I have felt before… Its not rose tinted glasses, because I don’t necessarily think he is the ‘one’ for me… in fact he has many shortcomings…

    I see them.

    As I see some of my own.

    Its just that in this relationship I have flourished.

    I have felt so good about myself.

    And I know I will anyway.

    I know I don’t ‘need’ him… and that he could well just be another man who is bringing me a step closer to the relationship I want.

    Or he may offer me that.

    But I feel defensive when I am posting about something negative here (the lying) and immediately Sirens are telling me to throw in the towel.

    And that he is an addict and there is no hope and it will never change etc etc…

    Hmmm, this feels sucky cus I thought we were all about healing here.

    And healing has faith.

    I feel grrrraaary



  104.  #104Femininewoman on June 7, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    Hi sia. I like your comments. Some of us give to get or to control others. We say happy birthday because we want the other person to tell us back. It is the same with I love you. There is almost always tension hanging in the air when these things are said in an imaginary and sometimes real relationship. I know a lot of men who have complained about the feelings of obligation these words bring up. As such many do not like to get things from women.



  105.  #105Radlove on June 7, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    {{{Ella}}},

    I sorry, I don’t want you to feel lonely, ungot, and bad. I am with you every step of the way on your journey, and please feel free to share and vent here. I won’t say anymore in a negative way if you don’t want me to. I just want to be supportive to you.

    I feel protective of you more than anything, but if that comes across as not supportive then please let me know what would feel good.

    I remember when I was with Jim for 1.5 years. Many friends and family would say “Be careful!” I hated it. I broke away from them more and more. I didn’t know what be careful meant. I just wanted love.

    And I remember noting at that time that each person has to take their own path in their own time. I think it is beautiful how much you care about him. I want to be by your side, not shaking my finger at you, okay?



  106.  #106Radlove on June 7, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    Sia,

    97 – Well when I wrote him HB it was with the understanding that he might not write back. But then when he didn’t, it felt really bad, far worse than I thot it would, and I wished I hadn’t.

    All I was thinking at the time, when I wrote it, was how bad I felt when he didn’t wish me happy birthday back in January. Part of me actually wanted to not acknowledge his birthday to pay him back for not wishing me a happy birthday.

    And it was on that that I decided to just say happy birthday anyway. I just wish I hadn’t, that’s all.



  107.  #107ReceivingGirl on June 7, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    @79 Daria

    Thank you. I do understand what you are saying. I guess I just have a hard time wrapping my head around it because I don’t think he’s able to chase right now, so how will that help pull him out? I feel stuck.



  108.  #108Femininewoman on June 7, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    Ella I write exactly what comes to me. There is nothing else going on in my mind.

    RadLove that was meant as a reality check. The bigger picture is your financial situation and securing the job for a while. Romantic situations can be very tricky on the job. Particularly when we women get into imaginary relationships with men who are clueless that we are going there with them. I would be more concerned to keep the job if I were wearing your shoes. Please ignore if this is too tough to swallow.



  109.  #109Radlove on June 7, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    FW,

    99 – That is not where my heart was. LIke I said, I sent him happy birthday knowing up front he might not respond.



  110.  #110Ella on June 7, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    Oh Sorry Sirens…

    I went off into one didn’t I!!

    Yes triggery, triggery.

    OK FW I re-read your comment.

    I don’t feel arrogant as though my love could change something like that…

    Well, maybe sometimes (blushing face)

    But not REALLY. I mean, logically, and mostly, I know it can’t. We can’t change these things… that is how I have kept myself grounded.

    I have not expected to be able to change this.

    Except… then it did start changing.

    Drastically.

    It all changed and improved.

    And now there is another setback.

    And you mentioned Lilibee. Yes this feels good.

    Lilibee has felt inspirational to me these past few months… truly.

    I intend to be like that too.

    Mostly I am.

    But… it still feels icky when this stuff happens.

    Ok, so consiously and cognitively accept that dating others could bring more and better light to me.

    So how do I do that?

    I am kind of aware of that anyway.

    I am not totally closed down.

    I CD day to day… I flirt, smile, interact with men, even dance with them when I am out.

    I accept the possibility that MWC may very well not be the man for me.

    And I am willing to date other people, if this turns out to be true.

    So what else would I do?

    I am not ready to actually date others, although I am not ruling it out…

    This weekend I am going away on my own to see my friends in the city.

    I feel unsure what else to do.

    My understanding is for Lilibee it was a process too.

    But that she had enough and wrote him off and was willing to walk away.

    That is an option for me…

    Not sure if I am ready for that yet.



  111.  #111Ella on June 7, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    How about simply

    ‘I don’t want to be lied to anymore’

    ??



  112.  #112Radlove on June 7, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    Ella,

    102 – How bout this…as an experiment…how bout you send your beautiful feeling message to him and see how it goes?

    Whatever we say doesn’t matter. You don’t need to defend yourself. Maybe this is good practice in being yourself and not a people pleaser.

    What matters here is your feelings. If you feel good about the relationship, go for it. If I decided to go with it, I would say to him,

    Look, what I feel worse about than drinking is lying. Let’s make a deal. Let’s work thru it together and just be up front with each other. I will accept you no matter what.



  113.  #113Femininewoman on June 7, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    Ella the way I understand Lilibee did it anD how Rori advised a woman who was against divorce is to accept it in your mind and every cell of your body that you have other options. Keep yourself open to this so it doesn’t feel like a prison.



  114.  #114Ella on June 7, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    Radlove,

    Thank you for your caring message.

    That feels so much better.

    I feel soothed.

    I don’t know…

    Something stopped me sending it.

    Something made me check in here first.

    I agree with Daria that it would feel like directing the relationship, and responding would definitely feel better.

    What I am feeling so very averse to (is that the right word for resistant to??) is the idea that this relationship MUST be bad for me and I must start CD-ing other people or walk away immediately.

    Although… I do like the idea of consciously and congitively accepting that I might walk away at any minute and that focusing elsewhere might be the way for me…

    And I think I am kind of on that a bit anyway…

    Ok, so I guess then the big question is, what shall I do now??

    How do I distract myself now?

    I am feeling icky.

    I can sit with it.

    Shall I read Rori posts? Shall I have a bath?

    What?

    How do I focus on, and look after me??

    How do I get the mentality of CD-ing without actually doin it yet?



  115.  #115Radlove on June 7, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    FW,

    107 – I understand, and I already know that. I would NOT get involved with a man if he were my supervisor – been there, done that, won’t go there again.

    I feel mothered and I hear my Mom in your words. I feel very triggered, actually. I have come to detest this type of negativity in the face of my joy.

    Matter of fact, I’ve been hearing it all week from my Mom:

    “Hi Mom! I feel so happy at my new job!”

    “What are you going to do? How are you going to keep that job when you fall asleep so easily?”

    “I’m just going to pump caffeine until I can afford my meds to stay awake.”

    “I just feel so sad about your situation! What are you going to do when you lose your house? It’s just been so hard for you for so long! That’s horrible you have so far to drive! You can’t handle a commute like that!”

    A couple days ago she went on and on until she was actually crying on the phone, about how horrible my life was!

    I said, “Hey mom, just to relieve some of your misery, I am in the best position I have ever been in in life! I am thrilled with my new life! I have a nice house, a new job, I am getting a lot of healing, I have good friends…I love my life!”

    I feel angry when I am happy and floaty and expressive and someone throws in all the cautions and corrections. I don’t like it.



  116.  #116Femininewoman on June 7, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    Ella when I did it felt very liberating and freeing like I had dropped a ton of bricks



  117.  #117Ella on June 7, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    FW re 111

    Yes, I have other options.



  118.  #118sia on June 7, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    Thank you FW:)
    Radlove,
    tweak : ‘i don’t want to be treated second class’ with: ‘I feel sooo sad when I don’t get a BW wish, or: I feel sooo sad when I don’t get a text back.’
    Forget about who said what about how acknowledging texts is a sacred duty:)

    Once a man was describing someone to me and he said: he has very straight hair, like you.
    I reacted badly, all offended, because I am extremely sensitive about having straight hair, I think wavy hair is objectively better and nobody should mention my straight hair to me.

    So I can work on my hair trigger and you on your HB trigger:)

    Daria, your gift problem is so familiar to me..:)



  119.  #119Radlove on June 7, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    The other aspect of my joy over SoCool is that I have had some tuff, nasty, or deceptive supervisors. I have long since come to believe that a supervisor can make or break a job, no matter how good the job itself.

    Likewise, a landlord can make or break a living situation, no matter how good the living situation itself.

    I feel ecstatic that not only do I have a good supervisor, who I knew I liked after only a 20 minute phone interview! But now I know he’s single!

    I have a right to feel joy! I feel joyful! I feel jubilant! I feel happy! I don’t want anyone to try to kill my joy!



  120.  #120Ella on June 7, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    FW.

    Yes…

    And thank you.

    And still, it doesn’t make me immune from ever feeling any ickiness.

    But, there are times when I feel so fine, and so ok, and so strong.

    And I know there are other options for me.

    And this in the midst of difficult times.

    It would have been unheard of in the past I expect.

    Well, I just know somewhere inside I am very strong.

    And I know I will have a great time, and the
    relationship I want with or without this man.

    And I know I create romance whereever I go…

    Because its in me.



  121.  #121Radlove on June 7, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    Sia,

    117 – Thank you, good tweak.



  122.  #122Ella on June 7, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    Radlove

    I feel happy for you to hear about all the good stuff in your life.



  123.  #123Radlove on June 7, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    Ella,

    Thanks! I feel in a much better emotional space to work on my body now.



  124.  #124Mel on June 7, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    Ella,

    I wonder sometimes if the universe sends us little tests. To see if we are really ‘over’ something or have completely healed from a past hurt or mistake. to see if we have ‘learned our lesson’ yet.

    I find I get “tested” with similar sorts of triggers and each time, as I deal with it in a more authentic, sink-into my feelings way, that the next time it comes up, it feel SO much less of a trigger for me.

    Could this be a test for you?

    A reflection of yourself somehow? Or a test of your boundaries? Or to test your ability to surrender or give up control? Or maybe a way for you to practice expressing your feelings without blame or overfunctioning?

    The other day, I was sitting on the couch with Mr A (he was checking his emails) and I saw he had received an email from a dating site. TRIGGER!!!!! (My ex had multiple profiles while we were married)

    The ‘old’ me would have gone into panic mode… stuffing down feelings, overfunctioning, pretending everything was okay…

    I just sat there. Silent. Breathing deeply. I just felt the sadness and terror.

    He asked if I was okay. I told him: I feel like I want to run away, but also sort of paralyzed and heavy. I feel the weight in my stomach and I don’t want this coffee anymore and I feel a bit of nausea and fear.

    He asked why and I said that I was feeling triggered by an email from a dating site I saw in his inbox. That I know it is likely just an auto-mailed thing from a profile he had in the past, but I could feel myself feeling all panic-y and wanting to run.

    He gave me a HUGE hug and opened the email and showed it to me and then went to the website and wrote to them and told them to remove any profile they may have. Then he said he would feel SO sad if I ever ran away and he got a little teary and said he is happy I could tell him what was bothering me so he could fix it.

    So… maybe just tell him how you are feeling, physical feelings, afraid feelings, ALL of them! And don’t try to offer a solution or propose anything or make him wrong… and see what happens. Be surprised.



  125.  #125Ella on June 7, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    Mel,

    Ok..

    That sounds good.

    And thank you.

    So I am going to script here.

    I feel so tight in my shoulders. I feel terribly afraid, like running away.

    I feel confusion, mistrust and distance.

    I feel shaky.



  126.  #126Mel on June 7, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    Maybe be careful with the mistrust?

    Perhaps, I feel afraid to trust?



  127.  #127Ella on June 7, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    Except no.

    Somehow that doesn’ quite feel right.

    Because the difference here is that he is not being honest.

    I had that kind of triggery thing, like you mention with your Mr A, last week, where there was something to do with his ex, and it was all triggery, but I stuck with FMs totally and it all got fixed… very quickly.

    This feels completely different.

    I feel like I need to be strong…

    And call him on it… but still using my femenine energies.

    I need to make sure I don’t get caught up in the denial…

    I need to say NO to this.

    But, yes, still using FMs will help.

    xoxox



  128.  #128Ella on June 7, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    Mel,

    I don’t believe him.



  129.  #129Dominique on June 7, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    Receiving Girl – You were talking last night about people maybe thinking of you as damaged goods, and maybe you even think this of yourself somewhere inside.

    As it so happens, I just published an article on this topic. You may be interested in reading it.

    http://sexandheart.com/are-you-damaged-goods-so-what#comment-1957

    xxoo



  130.  #130Mel on June 7, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    Do you know for sure that he’s lying?

    As per Byron Katie: Who would you be without that thought?



  131.  #131Mel on June 7, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    Cause I could have easily gone down the road of : He’s got a dating profile! He’s dating others behind my back! I can’t trust him! He’s lying to me….



  132.  #132Ella on June 7, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    You can’t love a man who lies to you.

    You can’t love a man who you don’t trust.

    ๐Ÿ™

    I’m sure Rori has said these things??!!

    But then also I am sure I have heard her say everyone lies.

    I feel confused!



  133.  #133Mel on June 7, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    How do you know for SURE that he’s lying?



  134.  #134Ella on June 7, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    Mel

    No, of course I don’t know for sure.

    But I feel it.

    I am like 99% sure he is lying.



  135.  #135Ella on June 7, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    Mel

    I don’t.

    That is why I feel so miserable right now.

    Cus he is telling me one thing, my intuition is telling me another.

    And I feel lost at sea…

    Just as I did a few months ago.



  136.  #136Mel on June 7, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    I only ask because I know that anxiety can be deceptive. Drinking is a huge trigger for you. So your NVs will naturally go there…



  137.  #137sunshinegirl on June 7, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    FW (#68) thank you very much. He suggested going directly from the dating site to text, which I thought odd..then asked for my email. But his texts were warm: “lovely to hear from you”; “you made my morning.” I will wait to hear from him again and use your suggested feeling message “it would feel good to hear your voice” etc.

    The other guy sent me 21 questions (no joke!) that he wanted me to answer…I wrote back and said it felt like a questionnaire (and I wondered how many women were filling it out but didn’t say that). But after I wrote back he emailed the next day with all kinds of personal stuff. I almost feel burdened by knowing too much…I am thinking, maybe you should meet me first…not sure what to say



  138.  #138Mel on June 7, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    And YES, you DO need to trust to love… But the trust comes from YOU… your willingness to give the benefit of the doubt when there is uncertainty.

    That’s why I suggested that you are feeling afraid to trust. That drinking is a huge trigger for you and that because of that, you are having a hard time trusting him. And you want to trust.

    Perhaps you could even say this? It’s not blamey because it’s all about YOU.



  139.  #139Mel on June 7, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    I gotta run… but hopefully some of the other sirens can weigh-in. ๐Ÿ™‚

    xoxo



  140.  #140Ella on June 7, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    Ok,

    How about this??

    “At the moment I feel very sad. I feel so confused. I feel tight in my shoulders and kind of shaky.
    I am back here. I feel like running.

    I feel ready for a relationship where I can be totally open and have complete honesty with the person. Where we can accept each other completely, even the icky parts.

    Right now I feel distance and it feels so hard to trust.

    I know dishonesty corrudes love and breaks relationships. I don’t want that. I feel so very afraid of that.”



  141.  #141Radiant Rising on June 7, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    This really stuck out at me today…

    “Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world.
    Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ~ Rumi



  142.  #142Radiant Rising on June 7, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    This article really brings up questions and emotions for me. The subconscious mind boggles me more than anything. It is so vast, the project of trying to re-program it feels so daunting. Hoping to gain some healing around this.



  143.  #143Radiant Rising on June 7, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    It feels invalidating, the subconscious. You can be consciously going into something with the purest thought, intention and yet a situation or event will turn out in a way that betrays your conscious efforts, and you’re left sitting there feeling tricked. *Sigh* I have a lot of subconscious chatter. I cannot even hear it on a day to dya minute by minute basis. *Hangs head* Will it ever be changed or am I sentenced to live with it forever…(((ME)))



  144.  #144Ella on June 7, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    I am going with this and I am going to send it even though it is leaning forward

    “At the moment I feel very sad. I feel so confused. I feel tight in my shoulders and kind of shaky.
    I am back here. I feel like running.

    I feel ready for a relationship where I can be totally open and have complete honesty with the person. Where we can accept each other completely, even the icky parts, and at the moment it just feels so hard to trust.

    I feel afraid. Stuff that has happened before has made me know that dishonesty currodes away at love and breaks relationships. I don’t want that. I feel very afraid to trust.”

    And then I am going to let it go.

    Then I am going to do a mini turnaround.

    Which will involve focusing back on me… my life.

    Taking exquisite care of me, and opening myself up to other options and possibilities.



  145.  #145Ella on June 7, 2012 at 2:46 pm

    Or shall I wait for tomorrow???

    Ahhhhh!!!!!



  146.  #146Lizka on June 7, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    Hi sirens!!

    I had a super nice day and didn’t think of calling ATW and still not planning to do it.

    The guy from work about whom I had a dream last night invited me and two men coworkers for drinks tomorrow after work. Cool. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I feel excited about him just because it’s an experimentation and it makes me forget about ATW. I don’t even know if he’s married or what. It’s just fun. And I have a plan for tomorrow! Yay!!

    ATW said yesterday we could do Thai soup this weekends “maybe friday, maybe saturday or maybe sunday”. He couldn’t confirm a day, as always. So if he calls for tomorrow, well I’m taken dude, off for drinks with 3 guys!! hehe. I won’t tell him that of course, but I’ll be happy to tell him “oh I feel so disappointed. I feel really hungry for your delicious soup, but I made other plans for Friday. I’m free saturday and sunday.”

    But I also have other flexible plans for the weekend, like going to the sidewalk sales they are doing in town, going to seethe shoe exhibition, going to the pool and get tan and meet hot guys… So I think I’m ok with focusing on myself for the weekend.

    ๐Ÿ™‚ yay!!!



  147.  #147Femininewoman on June 7, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    Wait



  148.  #148Daria on June 7, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    double on wait… id say sending it now is to reduce anxiety…

    Rori just wrote to me privately something about reducing the TRIGGERS intensity, not just reducing the anxiety around them



  149.  #149Ella on June 7, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    Daria,

    Yes… it would be to reduce anxiety.

    He just got in touch via FB…

    I still haven’t sent it yet.

    Thanks.

    xoxox



  150.  #150Sassy on June 7, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    Ella, wait wait wait!!!!!
    Don’t you feel you would be more authentic if you spoke to him in person? That way you can see his body language, feel his reaction, and feel your intuition? I agree that because of the drinking, you have triggers and that always goes to honesty and trust. Believe me, I know from what I speak. There have been many alcoholics in my life. I totally get the fear of trust.
    Doesn’t he deserve the benefit of your relationship and love to at least discuss it in person?
    I am sorry, but this really gets to me. I’m very very sensitive to drinking and drug issues.



  151.  #151Daria on June 7, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    EFT on my birthday anxiety and i feeling MUCH better already



  152.  #152Ella on June 7, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    Hi Sassy,

    Thank You.

    I did wait for him to contact me and I am pleased I did.

    Although I am doing it via IM, because I prefer to do it as soon as it is possible.

    Would you mind sharing more about how the drink/drugs thing feels sensitive to you?



  153.  #153Daria on June 7, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    hmmi get triggered by in person stuff personally i don’t see discussing it in person as so much of a benefit

    im not one for ‘he/she’s a coward/immature/a jerk for breaking it off in a text’ either

    communication is communication … in person time feels lovely, but any way of communicating is still powerful to me

    i wonder why i get so triggered by this

    it feels icky to me like someone is pulling on me

    noooo it has to be in person, otherwise its not effective/powerful, a

    and otherwise you’re a ‘bad person’

    that’s what i hear

    and i feel RESISTANT

    like wait what im a bad person! ha! i dig my heels…

    hmmm



  154.  #154Daria on June 7, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    I would send it a couple lines at a time…

    like

    “i’m feeling upset ๐Ÿ™ ”

    pause



  155.  #155Rebecca on June 7, 2012 at 4:12 pm

    Practise, practise, practise… Ahh it all feels so new to me. I wonder how I will get on..

    Feeling messages are new to me too.

    Well, I did do feeling messages before but really made a mess of it..



  156.  #156Rebecca on June 7, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    Sorry, I mean I blurted out my feelings in the past..



  157.  #157Emerson on June 7, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    115 & 119 Radlove
    OMG I am so sorry about how your Mother talks to you, but good for you standing your ground and CLAIMING your happiness and that you love where you are in life right now!

    It felt great reading what you said to her about loving your house and your job.

    Gosh it reminds me of what my family has done to me too sometimes in the past…only thing is that I BOUGHT into the negativity and let it affect me…

    I know my family loves me so whey would they say so many negative things to me sometimes???

    also 119 yes it’s great you like your supervisor but please please please keep in mind it’s best to keep work and romance separate….and even friendships…I’ve learned to temper them at work…I used to get super duper close to my coworkers and at times it backfired on me. I’m careful now.

    Case in point: OrangeCrush. He is a work affiliate of sorts….and now I feel akward cuz I don’t want to talk to him.

    I feel totally turned off…but in the meantime, I have flirted with him and taken the relationship to a personal level (friendship only but with flirting) and I kind of regret it now….chances are I will see his sister and I’m hoping it all fades into the sunset by then….ackkkk…..!!!!!!! And this job is super duper important to me and I would not want any compromise of beign unprofessional…

    Yes I sound like I’m preaching at you with advice maybe but really its a bad idea to take this anywhere but professional for now…you just started the job.



  158.  #158Emerson on June 7, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    124 Mel you are my hero. I love how you handled this!!! I am so impressed and I want to be able to do that instead of shutting down! I love that you shared this because I know i can do this too…in the past I would have shut down and then tried to hack his account or something and ‘CATCH’ him cheating or being ‘bad’….oh i love having a new frame of thinking. It’s really not all bad out there! Aww ((Mr.A))



  159.  #159heartbeat on June 7, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    Oh my goodness that post went straight to the centre of me – I could feel his hand touching mine, his fingers felt rough and I could see them very clearly. What really zapped me was the realisation that HE WANTS TO FIND ME TOO! I wasn’t expecting that. I feel excited and positive and energised. I feel horny haha yes! Another thing – the green colour felt absolutely right. Magnificent. Thanks for posting, Rori xx



  160.  #160heartbeat on June 7, 2012 at 4:45 pm

    Oh my goodness that post went straight to the centre of me – I could feel his hand touching mine, his fingers felt rough and I could see them very clearly. What really zapped me was the realisation that HE WANTS TO FIND ME TOO! I wasn’t expecting that. I feel excited and positive and energised. Another thing – the green colour felt absolutely right. Magnificent. Thanks for posting, Rori xx



  161.  #161Emerson on June 7, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    Daria about your Bday I felt all kinds of pressure around my 30th bday too….ultimately I was just scared nobody would show up and I was so indecisive what to do!! I ended up having friends over my house and a couple of my friends brough food and a cake and beer! It was fun and casual and I just wore jeans and a cute new top that I had just bought.

    Looking back it was simple but nice and planned totally last minute…. in the weeks/days prior, I didn’t know what to do and was all stressed out!!!! But it turned out ok and I’m sure yours will too.



  162.  #162Ella on June 7, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    Him: i miss you and needed to have some sort of link to you, i didnt like it i would never want you to feel sad,

    Me: I do feel sad.
    I feel so pleased you messaged me but I feel very confused

    Him: Ok.
    I kind of hoped I might get a text or email asking how I was or even saying how you were.

    Me: Yes, ok. I feel kinda heavy. I was going to text you this afternoon and ask how you were… and I felt too much resistance.

    Him: I feel not great still but I have been worse

    Me: Ok… At the moment I feel very sad. I feel confused. I feel tight in my shoulders and kind of shaky.
    I am back here. I feel like running.

    Me: I feel ready for a relationship where I can be totally open and have complete honesty with the person. Where we can accept each other completely, even the icky parts, and at the moment it just feels so hard to trust.

    Him: Running from what? I’d like to feel like running I had to sit down in the field walking the dog as I was buggered let alone run

    Me: I feel afraid. Stuff that has happened before has made me know that dishonesty currodes away at love and breaks relationships. I don’t want that. I feel very afraid to trust.

    Him: Well my body is icky and I can’t do much about it.

    Me: well ok

    Him: But I am used to being on my own untill I get better and understand

    Me: I don’t understand what you mean?

    Him: I kind of hoped I would not be on my own being ill again apart from having the dog
    But I understand you thort other things

    Me: I still do unfortunately. I feel so split… I REALLY, REALLY want to be there for you, especially cus I know how you felt so alone when you were ill before… but it feels totally untrue… Its exactly like it was before
    I feel so frustrated
    I wanted the chance to be there for you
    And instead I feel shut out
    I feel like I will hande anything
    But I need honesty
    needed

    Him: You were not really listening to honestly your head you were listening to and I can understand why from the past at the beginning

    Me; Well maybe… But I don’t know how to separate the 2
    And anyway… this time doesn’t feel right either
    I know how it feels when you are being honest…
    Like when you say you love me
    Or when we had that issue about your ex (well except the bit about the key… and her having access to your house… that bit was fuzzed) those feel true
    And with the alcohol stuff I still feel shut out
    It feels frustrating not to be trusted with the whole truth
    about stuff
    I just feel sad
    I love you

    Him: I don’t no normally I would try and talk about it and make idears but I cant I just don’t have the energy today

    Him: But I do have the energy to love you with all my heart . Xxx

    Me: I love you too. And I want to be there for you… and I know if it is alcohol then the only real way I can help is by not just listening to whatever you tell me…
    Because that just feeds into the problem
    And I don’t want that
    And that is what is messing me up…
    Because I need to be… and feel, that I am the one person you wouldn’t lie to…
    Or who would not accept that

    Him: I am going now after all we have been threw and all I have done and doing to help my self and us.

    Him: And it might help if you were open to noing your the one that is not lied to
    Xxx

    Me: Ok… its just so triggering… its so hard…

    Him: I love you
    So so much

    Me: cus I sometimes think you wouldn’t tell me… you wouldn’t trust me to handle it…
    or something
    I don’t know
    And that feels sad
    [:-(]

    Him: I no the truth is what you want and is the only way we will work

    Me: yes it is

    Him: And stay together for ever
    Well apart from a big question
    I love you
    Cxxx

    Me: I love you too
    xxx

    Him: I need to try and sleep now and hope I feel better tomorrow
    Xxxxx

    Me: Ok… I just need to say this… It didn’t help… I know before… when it happened, you were with that that girl (Grrrrr [:-/] ) and then this time… she had posted on your wall about having drinks… and then this happened.
    I know I am probably crazy and paranoid…
    And all these little things get to me…
    But anyway
    I do love you
    And I do want to find a way to trust
    And no matter what else I see you have done a lot for us… and to sort everything out…
    Anyway crying a bit now

    Him: I don’t understand I don’t feel well enuff to now explane to me tomorrow.

    Me: ok. xxxx
    ok. xxxxxxx

    Him: But I need you to no that I love you 1000 percent and miss you so much
    Your the main bit of my life now and want to keep it that way. Xxxxxxxxx
    Night j
    Cxxc



  163.  #163Emerson on June 7, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    Hi heartbeat! Nice profile pic ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚



  164.  #164heartbeat on June 7, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    Hi Emerson – thanks! Your red stiletto made me smile. I’m one of Rori’s ancient fans come back to haunt the site for a bit. ๐Ÿ™‚ xx



  165.  #165Femininewoman on June 7, 2012 at 5:01 pm

    Ella I feel resistance and a kind of rattling in my head abut crazy and paranoid. Is that the way you want to b referred to



  166.  #166Ella on June 7, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    FW

    No.

    But the rest of it feels pretty good to me.



  167.  #167Sassy on June 7, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    Ella,

    I’m sensitive as I spent over 30 years married to an alcoholic.
    I won’t go into that any deeper than to say it was a daily nightmare.
    A few years ago, I had a female cousin that was a year older than me that was so severely alcoholic that she lost everything, and ended up dying of alcohol aspiration and was not found by anyone for 10 days!
    Last year, I had a friend that I had known in high school that I had just reconnected with. He lived in Michigan and I’m in Georgia. He confessed that he had a severe drinking problem and was working on getting into rehab as soon as a bed became available. Not long after we last spoke, he too was found dead of alcohol poisoning in his home. Those are just a few of my stories. I, myself drank socially, until I overdid it on a business trip in 1994. I haven’t had a drop of alcohol since.
    I could also share about drugs and how I’ve lost loved ones from that too. But I think you can get my drift. And yes, people with drug and alcohol addictions do lie. They will tell you whatever they think you want to hear, to spare themselves the pain of hurting you, but also because they don’t want to hear any “bit$hing about it AND because the addiction is usually bigger and stronger than their loved ones
    can ever be.
    I hope, Ella, for HIS sake, that he gets help.
    I read everything I can get my hands on about addictions. I’m fascinated with the physical and psychological and even genetic factors.



  168.  #168Daria on June 7, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    (((((heartbeat))))



  169.  #169Dominique on June 7, 2012 at 5:18 pm

    Heartbeat!!!! <3

    xxoo



  170.  #170Sassy on June 7, 2012 at 5:20 pm

    Ella, I’m sorry, but that whole conversation felt as if you were each talking about two completely different things. That is exactly my problem with texting/IM/email. You can’t get the true vibe from each other. After 3 years, I still end up being frustrated and confused with texts between JT and I because I can’t see him and keep things on a good flow.
    I’m sure the two of you knew what each were referring to, but it still felt like there were two different conversations going on. And him saying he was tired and feeling ill is not conducive to a good exchange. He probably couldn’t wait to end the convo so he could go to bed! Just my two cents, for whatever they are worth. But I have been reading your posts closely and see your pain and confusion. Roller coasters…



  171.  #171Ella on June 7, 2012 at 5:20 pm

    Sassy,

    Thank you for sharing that.

    I jus feel curious, knowing all that stuff why did you advise me to listen to him and stay open to him?

    Reading your post feels very triggering and scary to me…

    Because it makes me think there is no hope, no chance against ‘alcohol addiction!’ and all that does is trigger fear.

    Every time I read stuff like that.

    I feel confused, because my daily life with this man feels anything but a nightmare…

    So I just don’t know whether that is cus my situation is different or what that means.

    And obviously the relationship is still new.

    He IS seeing someone.

    But I read these horror stories and that simply isn’t what our daily life is like.

    But then some stuff doesn’t add up.

    And after tha IM convo with him I felt soothed.

    But as soon as I read anything about addiction I feel scared again.



  172.  #172heartbeat on June 7, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    Hey Daria thanks for the hug – that feels good mmmm. Great to see you and now I feel a little cheeky because I’m sloping off to bed as it’s late over here. Sending a huge hug back xxxxx



  173.  #173heartbeat on June 7, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    Dominique!!! Hi!! Oh it feels like coming home… Huge love all round… <3 xxxx



  174.  #174Ella on June 7, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    Sassy re 170

    Oh ok.

    Well that’s ok.

    I did share it on here…

    I actually feel kinda good about the IM conversation…



  175.  #175LobbyStar on June 7, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    124 Mel, that was so awesome! I aspire to that.

    I have a tendency to not identify my feelings in the moment. It’s like I put on my poker face and tuck the incident away for the day. At the end of the night, when I am journaling my day, I pull it out and then evaluate how I feel about it.

    This happened a couple weeks ago with Cy. He was telling my sister that his cutting board was the last thing left from his last ex-girlfriend. I knew he meant the gf before me, because he hasn’t had one since me (over a year ago). I called him on it, reminding him I was his last, and he was heading out the door at the time and pretended not to hear me. I’m pretty sure he did.

    I felt really hurt. I felt like I didn’t count. Like I had been nothing to him.

    And I had a whole day to express myself to him, and I never did. I regret this so much.

    Is it too late? I mean, if he and I were having a conversation and it came up, would it be weird for me to tell him that I felt hurt? Or did I completely blow it by not saying it in the moment? Thoughts?



  176.  #176Starla on June 7, 2012 at 5:45 pm

    This is an amazing post.



  177.  #177Femininewoman on June 7, 2012 at 5:48 pm

    Lobbystar I am not sure I would. It kinda have the keeping score and defend vibe to it. What would be your aim if it is not in the context of a conversation?



  178.  #178Daria on June 7, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    I feel afraid of doing this post

    I feel afraid of the ‘perfect man’ thing

    – it ties into, ONE only Perfect one

    which feels scary to me… I don’t want to go into –

    “im saving myself for him mode”

    I prefer the “i have the power to create a wonderful relationship with 95% of men out there” more

    this feels freaked out!

    – this is just so that I can create a feeling of the relationship i want, being with the man i want

    i don’t have to freak out or pick up anyone else’s beliefs that feel limiting to me

    i feel sad ๐Ÿ™

    i feel panicked

    i love my sadness and panic

    i want to feel free , excited, loved



  179.  #179Starla on June 7, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    I kept my intention to myself and stayed off of social/relationship-related internet today. I really honored myself and I feel very very very pleased.

    It wasn’t easy, though! I felt like how I felt when I gave up cigarettes. I was itching for it all day. I got soooo bored in the afternoon. But it forced me to look inward at my boredom and observe it.

    I am going to do the same thing tomorrow. For tonight, I’m online translating lyrics for my website.



  180.  #180Sassy on June 7, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    Ella, you asked me why I am sensitive to drinking and drugs. That’s what my post was about, my experiences. I felt you should have listened to him in person.
    I’m glad you feel your relationship is different with him. As I tell my daughters, “no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, except the two of you.” I don’t want to scare you or make you feel that you should feel ick. It is wonderful that he is getting help. I pray he continues and that you will feel you can support him. But there has to be honesty. You never really did say what you thought he was lying to you about. Whatever it was, is it a forgiveable offense? Because we all have limits and boundaries of what is acceptable.
    As everyone else will agree, I’m sure, your happiness and safety are more important than anything else.



  181.  #181Daria on June 7, 2012 at 6:06 pm

    just did the exercsie and found myself sobbing

    it feels so touching to em that he would want to be with me even while im spending time with these other men and him with other women

    he wants to be with ‘Me’

    im crying

    that someone wants to be with me



  182.  #182Starla on June 7, 2012 at 6:33 pm

    SandwichGuy did not follow through with firming up plans. Thanks to Rori, this does not phase me at all.



  183.  #183Starla on June 7, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    I feel so blessed and privileged that I can go to bed right now because I am tired. I have no worries and no obligations and can just get some much needed rest.



  184.  #184Daria on June 7, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    man says on his status

    ” Its all good to take care of your man, but a man can take care of himself, the best thing you could do, is to take care of your mental wellbeing, cause NO man respectfully likes an emotionally damaged woman, get your mind right, anyone can cook, clean, and fu*ck.”

    yay babe!



  185.  #185Starla on June 7, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    grrr, was falling asleep and sandwich guy called my phone and woke me up.

    and then GuitaristFromMyFavoriteBand invited me to a show I really want to go to by text. Cool! Funny how they all contact me within a few minutes of each other. Like they can smell it.



  186.  #186Starla on June 7, 2012 at 7:43 pm

    Haha, so SandwichGuy left a message but he ‘erased and re-recorded’ a couple of times, except my ghetto phone service sent them ALL to me back-to-back, poor thing… he is nervous. I feel very uncomfortable, though, that he is the kind of guy who gets kinda attitudinal and neg-y when nervous. I don’t wanna be treated like a bad person just cuz he’s scared.

    “talk to you later… maybe… yeah, good talk”



  187.  #187ReceivingGirl on June 7, 2012 at 7:44 pm

    @129 Dominique

    Thank you for the link. Yes, in a way, I guess I do feel I am damaged goods & that others feel that about me too. Between my childhood, my parents, my gay ex-husband, and my illness, there is a lot of damage to go around. However, I also feel I am a good person & a good catch for the man who can look past all that and see ME. The man who will accept my illness, accept that my parents are difficult people, understand I grew up with a lot of sadness & not feeling accepted and that makes me sensitive.

    Mr. Observant was the only person who did not laugh and ask me, “and you didn’t know?” when I told him about marrying a man who ended up being gay. He did not judge at all. He didn’t interrupt and just listened to my whole story. After I was finished, he asked me a few questions as to why I thought my ex would do that and then he told me how impressed he was with how I handled the situation and called me “smart”.

    People are extremely judgmental in general. At least the people I know. My family is extremely judgmental. Some people think I have poor judgment, others think I’m a pushover, I’ve been referred to as “tainted”, my shyness is also an issue for some people. It’s all in the eye of the beholder. Those who actually take the time to get to know me and understand me are usually surprised.



  188.  #188Starla on June 7, 2012 at 7:54 pm

    WOAH i just face-stalked sandwichguy and he is the bassist in a semi-famous band. i am attracting so many musicians lately…. maybe they will introduce me to someone influential who can help me in my professional entertainment dreams?

    ((((((((((((universe)))))))))))))



  189.  #189Starla on June 7, 2012 at 8:00 pm

    um and he’s 6 years younger than me, totally religious, and says things about how love is a “f*cking lie” until it can be proven wrong.

    yikes.



  190.  #190kdr on June 7, 2012 at 8:14 pm

    Watching a Woody Allen movie tonight called “Bullets Over Broadway” and there is a song in it sung by chorus girls called “You Gotta See Mama Every Night”. It was recorded many times but I think the first time was in 1923. Lyrics are:

    You gotta see your mamma every night,
    Or you can’t see your mamma at all!
    You’ve got to kiss your mamma, treat her right,
    Or I won’t be home when you call!

    Now I don’t like that kind o’ man
    That makes love on the installment plan!
    You gotta see your mamma every night,
    Or you won’t see your mamma at all!

    Monday night, you didn’t show,
    Tuesday night, you claimed no dough,
    Wednesday night, that same old stall,
    Thursday night, you didn’t call.

    Friday night, you dogged my path,
    Saturday night, you took your bath,
    Sunday night, you had a date,
    And from the looks of everything it’s clear that I don’t rate!

    Hey you, you better show tonight,
    Or you won’t see your mamma at all!
    You better kiss me, you better hold me right,
    Or I won’t be home when you call!

    Now I don’t like that kind o’ man
    That operates on the installment plan.
    You better see me, you better make things right,
    Or you won’t see your mamma at all!

    Cut out all this stallin’,
    Cut in some callin’,
    Or you won’t see your mamma at all!

    Hee hee! ๐Ÿ™‚



  191.  #191Pamalam on June 7, 2012 at 8:34 pm

    ReceivingGirl – I’ve been called overly sensitive, used up, second hand trash (by my ex-husband, so you must consider the source). It hurts. I feel empathy and sadness for where you’re at and how you’ve felt about that.

    ((RG))



  192.  #192ReceivingGirl on June 7, 2012 at 8:40 pm

    Radlove – Sorry, but I feel my comments may come across as harsh. I see a lot of myself in how you converse. I’ve done many of the things you do. I hope you don’t mind my candor.

    B: I feel angry. When someone wishes you happy birthday or bothers to give you her updated number, it feels awful to not even hear acknowledgement.

    RG – I feel this message shouldn’t have been sent after only 20 minutes of no response. Men don’t always have their phones next to them the way women do. Many men are busy doing things and can take hours before they respond. I would wait even a day to receive a response. It would drive me bananas, but I would wait.

    B: Oh ok. Just feeling sensitive about it since May 14th.

    RG: Oh ok.

    B: I wished I hadnโ€™t said happy birthday after I felt ignored.

    R: I canโ€™t help you there.

    B: Jerk

    B: That is so rude!

    RG: Jerk. and That is so rude! These were not appropriate. R was basically saying it’s not his fault you said happy birthday to him after you felt ignored. He was being honest, not rude and it doesn’t make him a jerk. He’s not responsible for your feelings, only his.

    B: By voicing my feelings instead of tolerating second class treatment?

    RG: This question is accusing him of being bad. It will put him on the defensive.

    B: My conversations with K are nothing like this.

    RG: Comparing him as negative against another man will again put him on the defensive.

    B: Iโ€™m not going to receive any false condemnation from that. I am doing my best when I interact with you and am quick to own it when my weaknesses show.

    B: I have found that the judgments we put on others are like a mirror to how we ourselves are. I learned that from Byron Katie.

    RG: Here, I feel you need to think about your statement. What judgments are you putting on R and how do they mirror yourself?

    B: Your words fit the negativity of the schizophrenia, not me. They feel alien to me, when Iโ€™ve been flooded with love for you for years

    RG: I don’t feel love in this conversation. I feel judgments and accusations.

    B: Mirror!!

    R: GO AWAY!

    RG: This feels like childish games to me.

    B: The schizophrenia is telling you lies about a woman who loves you more than her own life.

    RG: I feel bringing up his schizophrenia over and over is hurtful and condescending. It feels you don’t believe what he’s saying or feeling because of his illness.

    B: If I were to give you a copy of all of our texts, which I have, you would see that 99.9% of my words to you are positive and loving.

    RG: This feels overbearing. Frankly, I have done this in the past where I have quoted past texts and I too don’t get rid of things. I admit, it is a bit much and it was when I did it too.

    B: I share my feelings, and I make no apology for that. MIRROR.

    RG: Again, MIRROR is like childish name calling. This is how my brother and I would act as children.

    B: I wonder if you are looking for a woman who will take crumbs and suffer in silence?

    RG: Making him sound like a monster…suffer

    B: I didnโ€™t say anything hurtful. I want to see healing and harmony between us. I feel perplexed as to what is being perceived from your end. I feel very very heavy hearted. I LOVE you.

    RG: Radlove, you told him you want harmony, but you are not creating harmony. You are creating waves at full force. Take your boxing gloves off.

    B: I wonder how you would have felt if you wished me happy birthday and I ignored you? From where I sit, our friendship is being ended for the 15,000th time because I was kind enough to wish you happy birthday. I guess I should only expect unconditional, unfailing, steadfast love from God.

    RG: Feels preachy like you are always right and he is always wrong.

    B: R, I see a lot of walls. I think you would find a lot of the same issues with ANY woman. I encourage you to find a way to let love in.

    B: I have known people in prison 23 years and never known anyone with walls so thick and hard. I pray deep inner healing for you.

    RG: This is triggering me about damaged goods. Your statements feel to me that you feel R needs saving because he is damaged. Comparing him to people in prison is not nice.

    The end of the conversation was nice and friendly. I would do that more often. Remove your judgments of him needing to be fixed. I feel that all over your texts. Making him wrong, being judgmental and accusing him of being an awful, mean, rude person will not make him feel all warm and fuzzy.

    I feel you are trying so hard to get him to admit that you are right and he needs to work on himself. Why do you think this is? Less jabs and more friendly comments would do wonders here I believe. I do think he likes you, but I think you become too much for him with all the comments towards him. What can you do to change that?



  193.  #193ReceivingGirl on June 7, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    (((Pamalam))) Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚



  194.  #194Brandylion on June 7, 2012 at 8:48 pm

    Hi Sirens!

    I spent today driving from Ohio to Missouri, and I’ll spend the next two days driving too to get to Arizona. I will catch up on the blog this weekend.

    I had lunch with PriestCD today. I felt more and more nervous the closer I got to the restaurant; I felt shaky by the time I got there, and my hands showed it! I felt so nervous I had a hard time eating even though I felt hungry. :-/

    I practiced Listening at Level 2 and physically leaning back during the conversation (it was hard–the chair was more comfortable when I leaned on the table!). I also found myself occasionally paying attention to my body’s physical sensations while sitting and eating. That helped my nerves.

    The conversation was good; I felt pretty good seeing him again. It felt so…odd…to observe him as just an attractive man and not to feel any pull or strong connection to him like I used to. It feels safe to say that whatever I felt for him is done! (I did tell him at the end that that was part of my purpose in asking him to lunch, to see how I felt in his presence now.)

    I learned some very interesting things about his new relationship today that he shared without my prompting. His new girlfriend believes you should talk about exclusivity before *any* physical intimacy happens, including kissing! I felt stunned to learn that. In my head, my jaw hit the floor. I think I said, “Wow.”

    Also, he is *not* dating her out of convenience. He revealed today that even though he thought it was soon after our break up to engage emotionally with someone else, he was finding his feelings for her changing and he realized that if they continued changing on that trajectory, he and she were going to start dating at some point soon anyway. In fact, over their five-year friendship, he had told her that he’d dated women out of convenience before and didn’t want to do it again, so she made sure that wasn’t why he’s dating her!

    He revealed, possibly inadvertently, that they spent all of last weekend together at his place from Friday through Monday. She had chickenpox but was on drugs to suppress the outbreak, and she wanted to see him so she drove up from an hour away to be with him. He’d intended to take her with him to his students’ graduation open houses, but she stayed at his place while he went to those.

    Oh, I re-met my green-eyed monster when he talked about this! Except for last summer and winter break, I never got this much time with him at once! My NVs were also totally right about them being together last weekend! Grrrrr. Oh, did I feel JEALOUS!! (I love my jealousy. It’s okay, little Brandylion, to want things and not to feel happy when others get them. Your time will come.)

    Does feeling jealous mean that maybe I’m not 100% free of an emotional attachment to him?

    Christina Perri’s “A Thousand Years” came on while we were eating, and I got choked up. I told him that I first heard it shortly before we broke up and realized that I want to feel the way that song describes and I wasn’t feeling it with him. He said he had a similar experience with a song by a Christian group that uses that famous verse about love from I Corinthians.

    He mentioned not having been on my Facebook page in a while, and I expressed surprise that he’d been there. He told me that he’d gone there regularly after the break-up to see how I was doing, but after I started posting more about how sad I felt and how much I was struggling with my emotions (it was about a month afterward before I started doing much of that), he stopped going as often because he wasn’t quite sure what he was getting out of it. I felt pleasantly surprised that he’d cared enough to check and I told him so.

    We talked about other stuff too, but these are the things that have replayed in my mind all afternoon.



  195.  #195LoveAlways on June 7, 2012 at 9:04 pm

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARIA!!!!



  196.  #196LoveAlways on June 7, 2012 at 9:04 pm

    Well, it’s 12:04 on the East coast ๐Ÿ™‚



  197.  #197LoveAlways on June 7, 2012 at 9:06 pm

    I spent the end of a long day with CD song and it was nice, but now I am home and I can’t sleep. I don’t know what I want anymore



  198.  #198LoveAlways on June 7, 2012 at 9:14 pm

    I can’t understand a man, and I’m not going to try, but even connecting is beyond my control. We connect how it happens, and most time it’s up to the man. And you feel and see more about him with each connection. Be surprised be surprised



  199.  #199LoveAlways on June 7, 2012 at 9:23 pm

    I feel I’m not having enough s3x lately



  200.  #200Daria on June 7, 2012 at 10:25 pm

    wow Thank you Love ALWAYS! i feel surprised and wonderful and seen!!



  201.  #201Tereana on June 7, 2012 at 11:19 pm

    Mel – I skipped to the bottom of the thread, so I don’t know if this has all been answered for you, but maybe you could open the address discussion by simply giving your father your new address. Then, if he asks why you are moving, or who you are living with, you can tell him, “I’m moving in with Mr. A, Dad.” (I assume he knows you are dating him.) And leave it at that. No explanation, no justification. He might be speechless. Or not. But you are not inviting “advice” by being definitive…

    Also, I read your post in 277 from the last thread, and wanted to respond here:

    I’m glad you shared your story about Mr. A. And of course, with the right guy, that kind of thing works. The other key part of that – and maybe someone else mentioned this, or else it was part of your post – but the Conviction is really important. If you say that, and you MEAN it, then it works. I am having trouble with the “conviction” aspect of it.

    You see, because right now, I honestly don’t care if I have a “relationship” with a guy or not before I sleep with him. Yes, I do tend to feel connected and all that. But I personally am not requiring “commitment” before I sleep with them. I’m just not. And you can say that’s wrong, or you can say whatever you want. It’s just not how I feel in my life right now.

    In the past, I’ve gone through phases. I was a virgin all through High School and most of college. I had a boyfriend in college who loved me, and he wanted to sleep with me, and he was so touched when I told him I was a virgin. He would have waited for me, as long as I wanted/needed. But I broke up with him before I went abroad to study in Italy for a semester. While I was in Italy, I slept with an older man – once – and after that felt like a slut, and never slept with him again. I felt angry at myself. And I blamed myself when I found out that he had given me HPV.

    I still have it, and I still have to deal with it, and it is one of the worst aspects of my life. It is the one thing that I wish I could take back and never have to deal with again. Luckily, thank G-d, it’s never been anything “worse” – but trust me, HPV is no picnic.

    After that, of course, I was just really, really upset. I was upset at G-d, I was upset at me, I was upset at sex, and I was upset at men. After college, I lived in Europe again, where I decided to own the slutty feeling that I had, and just sleep with lots of random guys. It wasn’t a planned thing. It just kept happening, and I kept going with it. (using condoms, of course). Most of the guys were nice, but I just wasn’t invested in it, emotionally. Some of them contacted me afterward, but I never contacted them.

    Then I got fed up with the sluttiness, and didn’t sleep with or date anyone for three years. During that time, I felt so bad about everything that I decided that the next man I slept with would be the man I married – but not in that order. I wanted the marrying first, then the sex. I wanted him to commit first – REALLY commit.

    And that’s what I told my next boyfriend. When my ex-fiancรฉ (who was my boyfriend at the time) started talking about sex (actually, he started talking about marriage first), I said that I wanted to be married before I had sex again. He said that wasn’t going to work for him. That he needed to have sex first before he married someone, but that he would wait until I was ready.

    Well, I suppose that was the point at which I could have told him “sionara” if he wasn’t willing to wait and let me do what I wanted to do. I could have shown him the door and said, “See you later.” I probably would have felt better about that (and he probably would have been back.) But I didn’t. I stood up and said, “Hm.” I didn’t say anything one way or the other. I just decided to leave it to the future, and see where the relationship went.

    Well, wouldn’t you know it. Even though I had a lot of conviction when I said it at that time, I broke myself down. Well, he wore me down with how much he kept asking for sex. But I caved, and only because, well, it turns out I have a lovely and abundant libido. My body wants connection and touch, and it doesn’t really care if there is commitment or not.

    Six months after we started dating, he proposed to me. And I wasn’t totally surprised. I knew it was coming. And it was very romantic. Every I ever could have wanted.

    But of course, that relationship ended. And I credit part of that with me not keeping to my word. I could have kept it. There was no reason that I “had” to sleep with him. I didn’t want it *that* bad. But yes, I did want him to like me. I relished the warmth, attraction, and love that I felt coming from him. It was so enveloping and gooey and direct. He really meant it. And he used to reassure me that the sex was because he loved me. It still freaked me out sometimes. The sex we had was some of the best, most connected sex I’ve had in my life. But sometimes I didn’t like it, and sometimes I hated myself for it. In the end, I just couldn’t even stand to be around him.

    So there you go.

    Had I stuck to my guns and really required him to marry me first? Who knows. Maybe I’d be married with a few kids right now. Or maybe he would have just moved on, because, despite how much he loved me, he wasn’t necessarily the best guy. There’s no way to know, because it’s all hypothetical, and all we have is what is true now.

    And after that experience, all of my conviction regarding sex and commitment went out the window. I really don’t give a f*c# anymore. Or rather, I do ;P I want sex. And I want commitment. But right now, maybe sex is a bigger priority. Or I want them on parallel tracks. I don’t feel myself standing in a place of conviction that says I really need the commitment first. If I believed it, then I could say it. But I can’t lie about what I believe. If I said it, it wouldn’t be true, and no guy would believe me.

    And the HPV hasn’t turned out to be a huge issue with most guys. Although it would be really nice to have a partner to help me deal with it, so that I wouldn’t have to always be alone with it. I feel like a broken toy sometimes, and like no one really wants me. But I also know the right guy will see it differently. He’ll love me anyway (my ex-fiancรฉ did). He may even see my experience as something that makes me beautiful. Who knows. But what I’m really looking for is a man who appreciates and sees *me* and loves me for who I am. And I’ll find the right words to say to him. Maybe it will be about sex, and maybe something else. But he’ll know who I am, and maybe then, none of this will seem like a really big deal….



  202.  #202Emerson on June 7, 2012 at 11:19 pm

    ๐Ÿ™ I’m thinking way too much about Recycled and his reaction on the phone from yesterday…how he got off the phone abruptly when I used a feeling message. ๐Ÿ™ Maybe it was too much? Oh well. I don’t want him to think I’m all piney about him. But it’s not my business to wonder if he is or is not thinking that.



  203.  #203Emerson on June 7, 2012 at 11:34 pm

    Tereana, Wow thank you for sharing your story. I feel moved. I feel thankful for your rawness and openness. I feel like a lot of the things you went through, I went through similar situations. I never thought of it this way….but what you said…the thing about owning your sluttiness (it felt bad to read that word) but I understood what you were trying to say…because I went through that too.

    I had a boyfriend in high school and would not sleep with him because of how I was raised. He was older and in the military. We broke up.

    Then I ended up meeting a guy in college randomly and lost my virginity to him. He was my “boyfriend” for about a week…and he dumped me…poof…well I guess how college is. LOL but I felt like a slut after that…and started sleeping with lots of different guys.

    I eventually ended up with another serious boyfriend (again much older) but just to let you know I feel like it helps me to read about your experience because it helps me feel not so alone.



  204.  #204Emerson on June 7, 2012 at 11:34 pm

    Tereana sorry about the HPV but you are handling it lke a rock star it seems! (((Tereana)))



  205.  #205Ella on June 7, 2012 at 11:43 pm

    Sassy,

    Yes, I know that is why you shared.

    Thank You. It takes courage.

    I don’t know whether my relationship is different or not… that is what feels so scary.

    I did say what I thought he was lying about…

    it was him saying he was sick… and I suspected that it was actually that he was ill because he had been drinking.

    And he said no.

    And that is what I felt unsure about. I describe it in post 73.



  206.  #206Daria on June 7, 2012 at 11:45 pm

    grrr… im feelin sleepy and i dont really want to sleep… itd feel better to go party right now… hmm…

    yawn…

    mmm

    it might feel nice to make the bed and go slepey bye too



  207.  #207Ella on June 8, 2012 at 12:00 am

    Right.

    This is what I have decided… and its the first time I am saying it out loud so it may not be clear and concise.

    There is no way for me to know for definite of MWC is lying or telling the truth.

    Everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt until/unless there is concrete evidence that they were not telling the truth (ie Lilibee’s D when she caught him, and before he did the turnaround).

    The only thing I can really do is trust myself.

    I can say to him that I still feel very unsure.
    And that I am CHOOSING to give the relationship the benefit of the doubt. I will also say that I still hope and invite him to choose to be honest whenever he has the opportunity, and how good it feels when he trusts me to honestly share things). And I can continue to show by example.

    But, at the same time, I want/need to turn more of my energies back on me.

    This whole thing… trying to figure it all out, it feels so draining. And my life seems to take a back seat all the time I am focusing so much energy trying to work this out, which is futile anyway.

    Last night I decided I need to do something different.

    Make some small changes.

    I remembered how it was when I was CD-ing and how I found ways to focus on me…

    Such as, no matter what was happening, if I had an important day ahead, I would wake up, and just take a minute lying in bed to focus on me and how amazing I am, and tell myself how much I love myself, before getting up.

    Then I would commit to focusing on my day ahead.

    This morning I did that.

    I caught my mind when it started going on that constant loop of wanting to start thinking about him, and trying to analyse and work out, and brought it back to me and how I would like today to go.

    So I intend to focus on my day… and the babystep I can take to make it good.

    I remember how that feels from a time when I was so focused travelling up to the city to teach.

    I will be warm and caring to MWC, and open, although I will still express my uncertain feelings, and any others that come up.

    And I will be truly open to the fact that there may be another option for me… that there may be another man, or many men, who would be a better fit, who could acually offer me more of what I want.

    I open myself up to this possibility.

    And I will be open to men in my day to day life.

    I will be committed to me and my energy and vibe, and I will share that with different men.

    I will out me 1st and totally cherish and love my life.

    The key, I think, is in babysteps.

    And un-doing the panic feelings as they arise.

    I love me.

    Than you to all Sirens for on-going support.



  208.  #208Daria on June 8, 2012 at 12:22 am

    Happy Birthday to me!



  209.  #209Queenbee on June 8, 2012 at 1:40 am

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARIA!!! Gorgeous Siren Goddess… have a lovely day! Love to you! ๐Ÿ™‚ xoxo



  210.  #210Daria on June 8, 2012 at 2:14 am

    thank you Queenbee!!! yay!!!

    Love All Around!!! yummmm

    full queen 30 loops around the sun!



  211.  #211luzydel on June 8, 2012 at 3:40 am

    Sometimes I feel like what I want in a man it’s hard to find…I know those are NV’s . but this is a good exercise to keep them away from my mind. I am getting busy with things that make me happy, that is all I want to be genuinely happy! I am open to welcome the right man for me if he shows up, but I am no longer feeling desperation inside of me. My happiness only depends on me and my attitude.

    I used to put men in a pedestal, get nervous around them, feeling less than… I no longer do that and in some occasions I have approached them to ask questions without feeling inadequate. I have made new female friends in the process also. I am being open, but at the same time I am setting healthy boundaries to move on when something doesn’t feel good.



  212.  #212Francesca on June 8, 2012 at 3:49 am

    Happy Birthday Daria!



  213.  #213Dominique on June 8, 2012 at 5:15 am

    Receiving Girl – You are SO not alone in your past, but it doesn’t have to taint your present. It can enhance and enrich it.

    Who cares what others think about you, your family for example. I understand it can be tough letting this one go, but when you can, the relief and release feels wonderful. And you know when you do, chances are their view of you will change though it won’t matter because you are no longer looking for their approval.

    All of these things you’ve experienced are not negatives. Try to shift this perspective in YOU, and the world will reflect this back to you.

    If you haven’t read the two part article I wrote on ultra-sensitives, this may open your eyes some more around you perceptions of you.

    Part 1 is here: http://sexandheart.com/dealing-with-your-man-as-an-ultra-sensitive

    you’ll see the link to part two at the top of the site page.

    xxoo



  214.  #214Dominique on June 8, 2012 at 5:24 am

    Wishing you Daria sunshine and moonbeams and rainbows and fairy dreams and golden silver dust of beauty. Happy Day!!!

    xxoo



  215.  #215Radlove on June 8, 2012 at 5:40 am

    Daria,

    HAPPY 30TH BIRTHDAY!!!! Today is YOUR New Year! It will be better and better for you!

    Love and Hugs, B



  216.  #216Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 5:43 am

    Magic Goddess wishing you miracles, supernatural abundance and all your heart’s desires.



  217.  #217Radlove on June 8, 2012 at 5:45 am

    RG,

    192 –
    Thank you so much’! I really appreciate you taking the time and effort to help me there. I want to become more objective about myself, so even tho I cringe and feel embarrassed at times, I am wanting the correction. I really want to

    GET

    this!



  218.  #218Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 5:49 am

    Ella that felt so inspiring tears came to my eyes while reading your commitment to yourself.



  219.  #219Radlove on June 8, 2012 at 5:49 am

    Brandylion,

    194 – Happy driving! How long will you be in AZ? Where in AZ will you be? I lived in Phoenix for 2.5 years.

    Do you think you and Priest CD will get back together? Do you want to? My guess is you do.



  220.  #220Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 5:53 am

    RadLove how about changing want to intend?

    I remember in Conversations with God they said when you put want out into the Universe you constantly create yourself wanting.

    Rori also suggests using INTEND in Reconnect.



  221.  #221Starla on June 8, 2012 at 5:53 am

    I’m up early for the gym. Almost backed out of going this morning, even though my goal was to go 5 early mornings a week, but my facebook friends got me pushing through, so here I go! ((((((((my commitment to myself))))))))

    I’m just oil pulling right now. I really love oil pulling (and drinking ACV). It’s clearing my skin and giving me really healthy teeth, even after just a week of doing it.



  222.  #222Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 5:55 am

    I did the exercise on the train this morning and felt my vibration increase as I connected energetically with my perfect mate. I felt like I could feel him though I had to focus my mind to not concentrate on any particular face. I felt his energy and a tear came to my eye.



  223.  #223Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 5:56 am

    Wish I knew what oil pulling is. I also just finished drinking ACV too Starla.



  224.  #224Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 5:57 am

    Vinegar should be drunk through a straw. I understand it can damage enamel,



  225.  #225Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 6:02 am

    http://www.webmd.com/diet/apple-cider-vinegar?page=2

    Apple cider vinegar is highly acidic. The main ingredient of apple cider vinegar is acetic acid. As the name suggests, it’s quite harsh. Apple cider vinegar should always be diluted with water or juice before swallowed. Pure apple cider vinegar could damage the tooth enamel and the tissues in your throat and mouth.



  226.  #226Starla on June 8, 2012 at 6:03 am

    I’ll buy some straws tonight! Thanks, FW.

    Oil pulling is taking oil and swishing it around in your mouth for 20 minutes. You can find some instructions that feel right for you on Google.



  227.  #227Starla on June 8, 2012 at 6:07 am

    I’m gonna stay off the blog again today when I’m at work. It makes for a much happier day when I’m not stuck in my desk chair reading/typing things that remind me of CF/my ‘failed’ love life.

    Instead I am going to work on my translation website if I run out of office work to do. ๐Ÿ™‚ The boss is gone today so I get that freedom:)

    Everyone have a nice day:):)



  228.  #228Cowgirl In Boots on June 8, 2012 at 6:16 am

    You too, Starla! ๐Ÿ™‚



  229.  #229Mel on June 8, 2012 at 6:19 am

    ((((Tereana))))

    Re: 201

    Thanks for sharing your story!

    For me, I don’t ‘require’ a committed relationship so much as the assurance that I am not just one of many lovers. I only wish to connect intimately with one man at a time, and I want to be with a man that feels the same way. That’s just me though.



  230.  #230Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 6:31 am

    RE 187 ReceivingGirl you can change that story by working on your subconscious. Knowing what I know now, I would say the gay husband thing might have been a result of too much masculine energy. I would tell myself that now that I am being a true feminine energy girl there is no way he could be attracted to me.



  231.  #231Lizka on June 8, 2012 at 6:38 am

    Omg! The guy I had a dream about 2 nights ago is flirting with me by email!

    Is that possible? I have a hot dream about a random guy and the next day he starts flirting with me???



  232.  #232Tereana on June 8, 2012 at 6:55 am

    Emerson 202 – I totally hear you on that.

    Last week, after I told the Mountain Man that I liked him, I had a similar situation. I used a feeling message when he’d said that he’d been thinking about me. That made me feel really smiley, so I said so. Actually, I said that a “smileys” could not capture the huge smile on my face. Which was true. And then he went silent.

    A minute or so later, I wished him could night, and he responded in kind (with a smiley). But since then…nothing.

    I’m afraid that, in some ways, I might have “dropped the moose.” I.e. made it too easy for him. Given him what he wanted without having to really chase me for it or invest much in the situation. But it’s not as if I proclaimed my undying love for him. Ha! It’s not as if I told him we’d have an exclusive relationship, and I wanted only him and to have his children. I simply said that I thought I liked him.

    And the funny thing is, after saying that, I don’t feel it quite as much – if at all.

    In fact, right now, after not hearing from him for so long, I feel like just walking away. I feel bored. Yeah, sure, he’s got work and family. I get it. But if he wanted to contact me, he would. If he wanted to see me again, he would. If he was really thinking about me, he’d let me know.

    And probably he will. Maybe in about 2 weeks or something I’ll hear from him. He’ll resurface from his deep, deep man-cave (more like a man-mine), and he’ll be like, “Hey, what’s up?” And then he’ll ask me out to a movie or something. He’s so silly. What a guy.

    And me, in the mean time…well, I’m not waiting for him. I feel bored of excuses. I feel bored of guys who don’t have time for me and who don’t write to me at all after we’ve spent time together.

    I release the need to know. I release the need to be right. I release the urge to judge, or come to a conclusion. I simply brush it aside and say, “Next!” What you got for me, Universe? In fact, you’ve already shown me something that’s next. I feel good looking forward to the next thing, instead of looking backward at the thing that’s not even there anymore. It’s not terribly compelling.

    Thank you, Universe for taking care of me! Thank you for making sure that I am always happy and always have what I need and like! Thank you for sending me so many wonderful, beautiful, interesting people to love me! Thank you for demonstrating that I am beautiful, and worthy, and deserving of all kinds of love. And thank you for making me just the kind of person who can receive and appreciate all the wonderful gifts they (You) are showering on me. I feel blessed by it all. And happy to be me.

    Thank you, I Love you!! xxooxoxo



  233.  #233T-Girl on June 8, 2012 at 7:21 am

    Hi Brandylion, what part of AZ are you going to? I am in AZ too. Just be prepared, it is already hot if you are coming the the valley.



  234.  #234lk on June 8, 2012 at 7:25 am

    ***~*~*~*~*~ HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DARIA ~*~*~*~*~***



  235.  #235T-Girl on June 8, 2012 at 7:28 am

    I move in with my guy tomorrow. I can’t believe my move in day is nearly here!

    Admittedly I have been a wreck the past couple days. But also I seem to have been seeing him with a new set of eyes (or maybe hormones lol) and I just feel so much love for this man.

    I think my sadness comes from the fact that I am moving out of my house. This house means alot to me – it was proof to myself that after my divorce that I could take care of my daughter and me and provide a nice, secure life. I found my happiness in this house. It is so bittersweet that I will be leaving it. I keep telling myself it is just walls. I can find my happiness anywhere.



  236.  #236T-Girl on June 8, 2012 at 7:29 am

    Happy Birthday Daria!



  237.  #237Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 7:48 am

    We often worry too much about what’s happening
    when he doesn’t call…

    In reality, worrying about it isn’t going
    to solve the problem…

    Constantly stressing out about
    why he doesn’t call creates anxiety
    which is transparent to the other person…

    When he finally calls you,
    your mood is affected, and you can’t
    be as pleasant as he remembers you
    the last time you spoke…

    Not knowing the reasons he doesn’t call
    can make you anxious and unpleasant to be around,
    and this is what men are afraid of – they
    don’t want you to change from the nice
    person they met and become a crazy, mothering
    girlfriend.

    Elaine M.D.
    The Dating and Relationship Author



  238.  #238Francesca on June 8, 2012 at 7:58 am

    (((T-Girl)))

    Lots of happiness to you.



  239.  #239Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 8:05 am

    Had to share this

    “Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”

    – Epicurus



  240.  #240Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 8:24 am

    โ€œWell, for me to give up my options and be exclusive with anyone โ€œโ€ฆ (remember โ€“ youโ€™re Circular Dating up to the moment he asks you for exclusivity, right?) โ€ฆโ€I would only feel comfortable with that if I can feel secure that youโ€™re thinking about me seriouslyโ€ฆIf youโ€™re interested in marriage down the line, and I can feel comfortable that you know thatโ€™s what Iโ€™m thinkingโ€ฆโ€

    Intimacy means TALKING

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/your-story-questions-for-rori/when-your-boyfriend-wants-space-focus-on-you/



  241.  #241Rebecca on June 8, 2012 at 8:48 am

    FW ~ I was just thinking about your points on your mood being affected when he does’ t call. I feel slightly triggered by this because surely isn’t it suppressing your emotions if you are upset, and then pretend to hide it?

    I’m just wondering if it’s a fine line between just being yourself and not worrying about the outcome, and knowing that you will be fine and be able to handle it no-matter what the outcome. I don’t know – maybe things do happen for a reason? I can’t work it out, lol..

    I just keep thinking about Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction – and I am so worried that I might come across like that. Believe me, I really do worry about this.

    I find it’s so easy to say “don’t worry if he doesn’t call” but its a lot harder, and I feel more complex, to put into action.

    I do believe that if you are having these anxieties, no matter how irrational they seem, they are there for a reason, and I she is not just silly, stupid neurotic girlie who should “get over her man”.

    But yes, distraction plays a big part in not simply sitting at home and mooning over somebody. But what miniscule tit-bit has made the girl think the guy was “interested” in the first place. There has to be some sub-conscious things happening between them. Feelings, in my opinion, don’t just come out of no-where.

    Either way, when someone doesn’t call me, or breaks an engagement I think to myself “great, I can do such and such now instead – maybe it’s meant to be.”

    But also, if deep down inside I’m disppointed, then unfortunately, I am disappointed..



  242.  #242Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 9:02 am

    And yes if need be share the disappointment. The clincher for me is the intensity with which that is shared because I used to “let him have it” which resulted in the guys just pulling away. Now I try to have a back up plan so over the last couple of years when this happened I always had something else to do. That way I don’t need to scold anyone.

    Some anxieties are a result of what we are thinking. So those thoughts create the feelings.



  243.  #243Radlove on June 8, 2012 at 9:14 am

    FW,

    220 – Right on!



  244.  #244Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 9:14 am

    “One of the hardest feelings to feel is that of helplessness over othersโ€”over others being mean, judgmental, rejecting and not seeing you or valuing you. Most people would rather get angry or judgmental toward themselves or others rather than feel this very painful feeling. This feeling needs your deep compassion, which you can give yourself only when you fully accept that you are powerless over how others’ feel and behave”.

    Innerbonding



  245.  #245Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 9:17 am

    You can’t share what you don’t have. If you are not loving yourselfโ€”through defining your own worth, speaking up for yourself, taking responsibility for learning from and managing your feelings, creating financial and relationship safety, taking care of your body and managing your time and your environment wellโ€”then you are not filled within with the love that is Spirit. We get filled up with love when we are loving and valuing ourselves. Our intent to love ourselves and to learn with Spirit about what is loving to ourselves, is what opens our heart to being filled with the love that is God.

    http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/3163/real-love-versus-infatuation.html



  246.  #246ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 9:23 am

    Happy Birthday, Daria!! I think 30 was my favorite year. Have fun!!



  247.  #247CurvySiren10 on June 8, 2012 at 9:32 am

    T-Girl, thinking of you this weekend! I know it’s scary/exciting/overwhelming, but I think you’re gonna be really happy once you get settled in…

    Happy birthday Daria!!! ๐Ÿ™‚



  248.  #248Goodheart on June 8, 2012 at 9:36 am

    I’ve been away for a little bit – just peeked in & there I see:

    HEARTBEAT!

    Omg – I hope you remember me. We shared some laughs.

    How is that beast you live with that you call a cat?

    x0x0



  249.  #249Rebecca on June 8, 2012 at 9:38 am

    FW ~ it just worries me that if that is how you feel ie anger and disppointment then you are suppressing those emotions.

    Surely, it is more about having the confidence to stand up for yourself and not be treated in a disrespectful manner.ย 

    Yes, I do agree that feeling and thinking are two very different things but it’s the “thinking” that drives us mad. We just think and think and think about it, and tie ourselves up in knots about it. We cannot put it away – we cannot compartmentalise it. But why? Are there reasons foe this? Maybe the lack of control over the situation is one reason, maybe stratergising is another, and maybe analysing as well. But why can’t we switch off from these thoughts? Maybe because we are trying to play the game, rightly or wrongly. If we did’t care we wouldn’t be trying to “improve” ourselves – physically and mentally. It’s survival of the fittest. We all do it, we all try and “improve” to get a man, it’s survival instincts of sorts.

    We are confused why he hasn’t picked us, so we keep trying to improve ourselves. And look at the bits that need improving. If he doesn’t “like” us then we do want to know why. It us to move on, it’s a closesure of sorts.

    I think the feelings of anxiety and panic are really just covering up the feelings of anger. If you do something else to shift your mood, you are still not dealing with your deeper feelings.

    I am interested to know why you shouldn’t “let him have it?” Is it because you are scared at how powerful your emotions feel about being let down? Would you feel this angry if someone else let you down, or is it just him.

    This is what I am going through at the moment. And yes, I do keep thinking about what he is doing, thinking about what are his reasons for not calling me, thinking about how he feels about me. I am thinking about all that, and it scares me.ย 

    But also I know I have got myself into this situation – and I have to get myself out.

    Sent from my iPhone



  250.  #250ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 9:40 am

    @213 Dominique

    Thank you for the link. I will check it out.

    I know everyone has their things to deal with. I know I am not alone. I know many people have dealt with many things 1000 times worse than me.

    My family is probably my biggest issue. I feel exhausted, annoyed, irritated, judged, constricted around them. There is never just a nice visit with them. My mom picked me up from the airport the other day and was crabby that I didn’t have more to share with her about my trip.

    Got to their house, ate dinner, my dad points to the scale on their kitchen counter. He said to me, “go put the scale on the floor, press on, press 1 and stand on it.” This is a talking scale btw. So I was infuriated. I don’t know how many times I have told them I don’t want to discuss my weight, it makes me angry when people makes comments about it, etc.

    So I got angry and told him, “NO, I am not doing that!”

    He said, “why not, what’s the big deal?” I said, “you already know what the big deal is, we’ve discussed this many times.”

    My mom said, “she doesn’t like it when people talk about her weight.” in a snotty tone.

    Then, my dad said, “we bought a new scale and I thought maybe you would want this one.”

    Then, why not just say, do you want this? Why do all that when he knows I’m going to be angry? I feel they purposely antagonize me.

    I have actually started letting this go in the past year. I’ve started making decisions based on my needs and not theirs. Many times my mom makes it seem like I’m the devil. My aunts & uncles at least make me feel better by acknowledging how much I do and how much I go out of my way for things. They tell me how good I am to always come to family functions, when it takes a lot of effort on my part. Most family functions are a long distance from me and I also have to pick my mom up, drop her off and stay to have a conversation with my dad about the party since he can’t travel that far. So a party for me, it an entire day event. It feels good to be acknowledged.

    “All of these things youโ€™ve experienced are not negatives. Try to shift this perspective in YOU, and the world will reflect this back to you.” I’ve been trying to do this without much success. It’s hard to get away from negativity, when that was your entire life. I feel happy that I am no where near as negative as my parents. I see that in them and I don’t want to be like that.



  251.  #251Radlove on June 8, 2012 at 9:44 am

    I am SO tired after going to my niece’s high school graduation last night! I didn’t get home til after 1 am. SO hard to wake up this morning.

    I took my Mom, and she cried repeatedly before and during. She said how sad it was that she was graduating. Go figger.



  252.  #252Radlove on June 8, 2012 at 9:46 am

    Daria,

    Let us know how your special day turns out for you…if any CDs make it extra special for you!



  253.  #253ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 9:46 am

    My comment went into moderation, trying again.

    @213 Dominique

    Thank you for the link. I will check it out.

    I know everyone has their things to deal with. I know I am not alone. I know many people have dealt with many things 1000 times worse than me.

    My family is probably my biggest issue. I feel exhausted, annoyed, irritated, judged, constricted around them. There is never just a nice visit with them. My mom picked me up from the airport the other day and was crabby that I didnโ€™t have more to share with her about my trip.

    Got to their house, ate dinner, my dad points to the scale on their kitchen counter. He said to me, โ€œgo put the scale on the floor, press on, press 1 and stand on it.โ€ This is a talking scale btw. So I was infuriated. I donโ€™t know how many times I have told them I donโ€™t want to discuss my weight, it makes me angry when people makes comments about it, etc.

    So I got angry and told him, โ€œNO, I am not doing that!โ€

    He said, โ€œwhy not, whatโ€™s the big deal?โ€

    I said, โ€œyou already know what the big deal is, weโ€™ve discussed this many times.โ€

    My mom said, โ€œshe doesnโ€™t like it when people talk about her weight.โ€ in a snotty tone.

    Then, my dad said, โ€œwe bought a new scale and I thought maybe you would want this one.โ€

    Then, why not just say, do you want this? Why do all that when he knows Iโ€™m going to be angry? I feel they purposely antagonize me.

    I have actually started letting this go in the past year. Iโ€™ve started making decisions based on my needs and not theirs. Many times my mom makes it seem like Iโ€™m the de)vil. My aunts & uncles at least make me feel better by acknowledging how much I do and how much I go out of my way for things. They tell me how good I am to always come to family functions, when it takes a lot of effort on my part. Most family functions are a long distance from me and I also have to pick my mom up, drop her off and stay to have a conversation with my dad about the party since he canโ€™t travel that far. So a party for me, it an entire day event. It feels good to be acknowledged.

    โ€œAll of these things youโ€™ve experienced are not negatives. Try to shift this perspective in YOU, and the world will reflect this back to you.โ€

    Iโ€™ve been trying to do this without much success. Itโ€™s hard to get away from negativity, when that was your entire life. I feel happy that I am no where near as negative as my parents. I see that in them and I donโ€™t want to be like that.



  254.  #254ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 9:48 am

    @217 Radlove – I know you do. So do I!! ๐Ÿ™‚



  255.  #255ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 9:53 am

    @227 Starla

    I feel envious of “if I run out of office work to do”. I have so much work, it’s never ending and I never run out of it. Even when I come close to running out of it, someone piles something huge on. I wish my job was less stressful. I keep thinking I should find something less stressful.



  256.  #256Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 9:53 am

    Rebecca from where I sit it is all a choice. I have never created love by letting him have it. That to me is counterintuitive. If I want him to love me I play a part in what I create. If on the other hand he is not giving me what I need, I can choose to remove myself from interacting with him.



  257.  #257ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 9:56 am

    @230 FW

    Yes, I was always in masculine energy. I’m working on being in feminine energy ๐Ÿ™‚



  258.  #258ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 9:57 am

    @231 Lizka

    That is kind of cool! Maybe your dream was a premonition. ๐Ÿ™‚



  259.  #259Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 9:59 am

    “Love that lasts is love that is not based on what you get, but on the true cherishing of your own and the other person’s essenceโ€”the true authentic Self.”

    Innerbonding



  260.  #260siren song on June 8, 2012 at 10:09 am

    well, guy who loves told me last night that he wants to be friends, to have me come to his workplace and visit him today, maybe have lunch this weekend (he didn’t ask for a date or time). i really don’t want to be friends with him right now and i told him that it was too hard to see him casually like this (he’s not asking me out, really, anymore) because i have feelings for him. he’s been texting me about how he loves me, misses me and wants to be my man. but he never moves on it and becomes so angry when i don’t react the way he wants me to.

    he became very angry again after i said this and started calling me names, saying i was ‘crazy’. i decided to block his number from my phone.

    CDing is a good litmus test for a guy’s boundaries, it seems. i feel like this guy wanted me at his beck and call wihtout marrying me, but can’t handle me dating other men. i told him i felt bad about what he was saying and didn’t want to hear any more negative things about myself.

    i feel really good about standing up for myself and closing the door to negativity. i’m getting so much better at saying ‘no’ to things.



  261.  #261ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 10:09 am

    @245 FW Thanks for the link. ๐Ÿ™‚



  262.  #262siren song on June 8, 2012 at 10:10 am

    FW,

    thanks for the IB quotes. i love margaret paul!



  263.  #263Rebecca on June 8, 2012 at 10:10 am

    FW – sure, I get what you are saying and for some people it is that easy and that straight forward. But for me, and many others, it’s not. Ultimately we change our thoughts and feelings and we change our behaviours. But that can take a looong time to get to.

    I still have an issue though as I thought we sre supposed to be authentic. It’s not akways about saying the “right” things but trusting ourselves ro handle the scary emotional bits. Ie the raging Glenn Close moments as I call them. We are real people, with real emotions. We are allowed to rant and rave when we want to. Maybe what scares us is that the person we are ranting and raving at will not be able to handle our truth. Or we maybe can’t handle exposing ourselves to them and showing our weakness. Maybe we are scared of that person using our weakness against us. So we smile sweetly and move on.

    I know that is how I feel. I tend to bottle it all up and ride the storm as it were. It’s just the bumpy ride can feel quite terrifying at times. Maybe I’ve just got to learn to go with the flow and expect the unexpected. Maybe it’s part of me letting go of my safety and security… That’s the bit I don’t like.. Or want to trade.. Hnmm….



  264.  #264ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 10:13 am

    @249 Rebecca

    I so relate to your post. I’ve been there too and it doesn’t feel good, yet it’s so hard to move past.



  265.  #265siren song on June 8, 2012 at 10:16 am

    happy bday, daria



  266.  #266ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 10:17 am

    @256 I agree with FW. Letting him have it only pushes him away. I’ve done it and regretted it. It’s better to express yourself in a non-attacking way. It’s all in the delivery.



  267.  #267Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 10:19 am

    ‘We are allowed to rant and rave when we want to.”

    Really? That to me sounds like the reasonings of a two-year old trying to justify tantrum throwing. Plus I believe timing is very important. However, rant and rave to your hearts content, is what came to mind. Let me know what happens in the long run.

    Though I already know because I used to rant and rave.



  268.  #268Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 10:26 am

    siren song just one thing that jumped at me reading your comments.

    Did you say what do you think?

    Otherwise he might have just felt that you are just shutting him out with a slammed door in his face. What do you think seem in this scenario to give him a choice to decide if he is going to remain angry so he weed himself out.



  269.  #269Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 10:28 am

    I don’t even listen to my own kids or my mother when they rant and rave.



  270.  #270ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 10:28 am

    Yesterday was hectic. After work, I went to the hospital to visit my grandma. She had hip replacement surgery. She had a reaction to morphine and had a really bad night because of that. She was so scared, but we think she was hallucinating. I had to go grocery shopping after that, so I didn’t eat dinner until almost 9 pm.

    I went to bed last night and asked the universe to send healing vibes to my grandma, Mr. Observant and myself.

    I was feeling really run down, so I called off from work today. I slept till 10:30, about 12 hours of sleep and I still feel a bit tired. I got up and had a protein smoothie. My house is a bit out of order, so I need to straighten up because it adds stress for me when things are messy.

    I will wash my bed sheets today so I have a fresh feeling when I go to bed tonight. I think I will also take a nice walk today. It’s a beautiful day outside and it will be a really hot weekend.

    I plan on working from home this weekend. I have so much work piled up that I need to get some of it finished to reduce my stress level. That is my problem right now, too much stress and my body is not happy with that.



  271.  #271Rebecca on June 8, 2012 at 10:30 am

    I think what scares me is how “careful” we have to be with these “men”. It terrifies me to go through life always having to watch what I say and worrying about how my body language might be read. It is such hard work. Is it always this hard… I just want to br natural and it upsets me that me being natural isn’t getting good results for me… It’s stressful..

    I guess in some sick way I am getting a buzz out of going for someone who is wrong for me. On some level I must be enjoying the drama – or something..

    It’s weird because I am a naturally happy, good natured person but when somebody dismisses me or winds me up its like a red rag to a bull. I always feel they are trying to put my fire out. I feel a lot of men that I “like” treat me this way. It’s not so much what they say as what they don’t say. And I’ll just be left feeling hurt and deflated.. Ho.. Hum.. I guess like everyone says – it’s all part of a learning experience…



  272.  #272Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 10:32 am

    “Would you feel this angry if someone else let you down, or is it just him.”

    Did he let you down or did you let down yourself?

    Expectation is the mother of disaster.



  273.  #273Rebecca on June 8, 2012 at 10:34 am

    FW ~ When you said

    June 8, 2012 – 10:28 am
    I donโ€™t even listen to my own kids or my mother when they rant and rave.

    I am interested to know why, if you don’t mind sharing it? I think your thought processes are very insightful?



  274.  #274Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 10:39 am

    Rebecca it sounds like “your man picker is off”. You can’t say the wrong thing to the right man. The right man will help you see what you are doing to the relationship.

    Your coimments suggest that your buttons are being pushed. Maybe because you have not spent time to know what your buttons are?



  275.  #275Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 10:42 am

    Rebecca I think you are too much in your head.

    I don’t listen because I automatically feel turned off when I hear ranting and raving. It does not resonate with what I want in my life.



  276.  #276Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 10:46 am

    ” It terrifies me to go through life always having to watch what I say”

    I appreciate what you are saying here but does it feel respectful to you when someone walks up to you at any time regardless of what you are doing and just lets rip whatever might be on their mind?



  277.  #277Rebecca on June 8, 2012 at 10:47 am

    FW – yes, I rant and rave as in I speak passionately and tell my truth. Probably not really a good thing but I feel that if I smile and say something that I don’t really mean then I come across as false. But yes, I agree, if I feel my truth will cause an argument then I will walk away.



  278.  #278Daria on June 8, 2012 at 10:47 am

    Thank u siren song ๐Ÿ™‚



  279.  #279Daria on June 8, 2012 at 10:50 am

    Thanks Curvy Siren ๐Ÿ™‚



  280.  #280Daria on June 8, 2012 at 10:51 am

    Thank u receiving girl ๐Ÿ™‚



  281.  #281arrowofthyme on June 8, 2012 at 10:51 am

    Happy birthday Daria!!



  282.  #282Daria on June 8, 2012 at 10:54 am

    Radlove I will thank u ๐Ÿ™‚



  283.  #283Daria on June 8, 2012 at 10:55 am

    Thank u T Girl! ๐Ÿ™‚



  284.  #284Daria on June 8, 2012 at 10:55 am

    :). Thank you Lk…



  285.  #285Daria on June 8, 2012 at 10:56 am

    Thank you arrow of thyme ๐Ÿ™‚



  286.  #286Rebecca on June 8, 2012 at 11:03 am

    Happy BIthday Daria! Your words are inspiring!



  287.  #287Rebecca on June 8, 2012 at 11:11 am

    FW – yes, I agree with you, my man picker is definately off – I do not want to feel attracted to this man.

    The answer to your other question is I don’t know how I would feel or what I would think if someone else let me down or disappointed me. Usually it doesn’t bother me at all. But for some reason this person has got to me. Hmm…



  288.  #288Daria on June 8, 2012 at 11:14 am

    Yay thank you Feminine Woman!



  289.  #289Rebecca on June 8, 2012 at 11:15 am

    FW ~ also I agree with you about being in my head – well certainly relating to this particular instance, because I am thinking about it and thinking about it, and churning it over in my head. I know I can do things to distract myself – I know I can circular date.. But when I go to bed at night and wake up in the morning it’s still there. I just can’t seem to stop. Telling myself to stop just makes it worse and I feel more and more frustrated… Hmmmmm…



  290.  #290Daria on June 8, 2012 at 11:15 am

    Thank you Again Radlove ๐Ÿ™‚



  291.  #291Daria on June 8, 2012 at 11:16 am

    ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ thank you Rebecca I feel great to read that ๐Ÿ™‚



  292.  #292Rori Raye on June 8, 2012 at 11:18 am

    ReceivingGirl – sounds to me like you’re smack in the middle of a great school called Life 101, where you discover who you are, what you want, what you think, what triggers you, what it all does and doesn’t mean, and how to deal with people who love you, and whose way of showing how much they care doesn’t feel good to us. In my personal experience – what I’m fighting within myself, and not owning and LOVING and forgiving and making peace with and embracing inside myself – are the things that most trigger me. For instance, if someone were to call me “selfish” I would be hugely triggered. When someone mentions my age as though I don’t look “20 years younger” (the way I prefer to see myself…) I find myself hating them and feeling offended. I get triggered just as much as anyone. The trick is to be able to “catch” all of this, realize quickly that there’s some more love that has to be slathered on myself – these triggered areas especially – and move toward a more peaceful attitude and perspective. I change the “meaning” I’ve given it all. Love, Rori



  293.  #293Daria on June 8, 2012 at 11:20 am

    Hehe :). Thank you Dominique… I received steel w shiny white stones ๐Ÿ™‚



  294.  #294ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 11:21 am

    I feel so happy. Mr. Observant just texted me. “I hope your garden is growing well. How are the bunny’s doing? I am feeling much better now. Thank you for all of your texting!” I think the Universe heard me ๐Ÿ™‚



  295.  #295Daria on June 8, 2012 at 11:24 am

    Thank you Much Francesca :). It feels so good to feel seen ๐Ÿ™‚ yay!



  296.  #296Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 11:24 am

    Rori was your post meant for Rebecca. If not it seems so applicable.



  297.  #297ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 11:39 am

    @292 Rori

    Thank you for the comment. I really appreciate it. Yes, that is exactly where I am at. I feel I’m a little behind, as I’m in my mid-30s and just now starting to figure things out. Slowly, but surely, I will get there. I think you are right about triggers, but I never really considered it like that.



  298.  #298Silver Moonbeam on June 8, 2012 at 11:48 am

    Happy Birthday Daria. xxx



  299.  #299Rebecca on June 8, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    RG ~ I felt so sad for you after reading this…

    Got to their house, ate dinner, my dad points to the scale on their kitchen counter. He said to me, โ€œgo put the scale on the floor, press on, press 1 and stand on it.โ€ This is a talking scale btw. So I was infuriated. I donโ€™t know how many times I have told them I donโ€™t want to discuss my weight, it makes me angry when people makes comments about it, etc.

    So I got angry and told him, โ€œNO, I am not doing that!โ€

    He said, โ€œwhy not, whatโ€™s the big deal?โ€

    I said, โ€œyou already know what the big deal is, weโ€™ve discussed this many times.โ€

    My mom said, โ€œshe doesnโ€™t like it when people talk about her weight.โ€ in a snotty tone.

    You are worth way more than that! I know I am new here but you come across as such a warm, loving person. Your whole post on your parents made me feel very sad to read.



  300.  #300Daria on June 8, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    Thank you Silver moonbeam ! ๐Ÿ™‚



  301.  #301ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    @299 Thank you, Rebecca. It feels nice to read. I used to just sit there and not say anything to them, I’d just be in my head. That ticked them off. The past few years, I’ve started fighting, which probably isn’t a good way of handling it either. I’ll figure it out one day. They love me, they just don’t go about it the right way. Part of the problem is they don’t respect me. They expect me to respect them just because they are my parents and not because they deserve it. My brother and I just had this conversation when I was on vacation visiting him.



  302.  #302Daria on June 8, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    “go put the scale on the floor, press on, press 1 and stand on it.โ€

    pause – breathe – face set to feelings >:(

    ‘mmm… i don’t feel comfortable with that… im feeling angry being asked to do that’

    Hoooh! feels soooo uncomfortable – i have similar interactions with my parents… practicing…

    i feel excited for the day when I’m sayng those kind of FM’s naturally myself



  303.  #303Daria on June 8, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    the always deserve respect… everyone does… and me

    when im not being treated with respect, its my responsibility to take care of myself

    but others do not have to earn my respect. all human beings deserve my respect.



  304.  #304Daria on June 8, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    the next step if it continues feeling bad for me is to walk away

    ufff

    i feel all ‘burdened’ just thinking of these situations ๐Ÿ™

    so uncomfortable being made fun of ugh



  305.  #305Starla on June 8, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    255 ReceivingGirl – giiiiirl, our company is going down the tubes right now in terms of client load, so there’s not much work to do. This free time came with a 17% paycut.

    I am actually home now, and my best friend is coming over soon and we’re gonna lay out by the pool!!



  306.  #306ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    @302 Daria

    I feel excited for that day too! You seem to be so good at using FMs I feel surprised to hear you say that. I’m better with FMs when I’m writing than when I’m interacting in person.



  307.  #307Starla on June 8, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    What is with our families talking to us about our weight? Even my own family, even members I see only once every 25 years, comment on my weight when they see me. Whether they speak English, Spanish, or Dutch… And I’m not even overweight.

    Blah. I intend to instill knowledge of eating for nutrition, health, reduced inflammation, etc., in my children, and only talk to them about that.



  308.  #308ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    @305 Starla

    I feel so sorry to hear that. We have so much work, but can’t afford to hire more workers. It’s strange how there is such an imbalance in this world. I hope things improve!



  309.  #309ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    I received an email today from the Lupus Foundation regarding skin and hair loss symptoms. There was a recommendation for Nioxin to help prevent hair loss. Has anyone heard of it?

    I think the Universe heard me and is on my side today.



  310.  #310Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    I have heard of it RG but can’t remember right now. I would research side effects if I were you before using it.



  311.  #311Starla on June 8, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    Re: Ranting and raving

    This ALWAYS shuts me down. I can handle a little bit of it but it often escalates or there’s just no end to it. When someone is ranting and raving to me, I feel like everything I say just brings more ranting and raving on to me. It feels totally draining and turns me off (regardless of gender).

    I’ve been guilty of this quite a bit in the past, too. It’s always shut people down. The last time I did this, it inspired an emotional breakdown in CF, and we all know what happened after that. Although, that is his responsibility that he had a breakdown just cuz I was ranting and raving.

    I would like a life free of this. And I used to feel like a relationship without room for my depression and anger was no relationship for me, and I actually still kind of feel like that!! But I am definitely working on finding more inner peace and acceptance of myself before I get into an intimate relationship with opportunities for ranting and raving.



  312.  #312ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    @307 Starla

    My family is mostly overweight. I am petite and thin. They all think I am too skinny and an unhealthy weight. I’m 5’1 and I typically range from 98 lbs. to 110 lbs. My weight all depends on my stress levels, as stress sheds lbs like nothing for me. Right now, my stress is high and I am 99. The low end of healthy BMI for my height is 98. So, I am still considered healthy.

    I don’t have an eating disorder. I prefer to be 105, that is the weight I like. My aunt told my mom I could use to eat a couple Burger King Whoppers. I just feel offended by all of it. They would not care for me very much if I constantly told them how they should be watching what they eat because they are fat. I told my dad that is just as insulting to me when people comment on my weight and how would all of them like it? He acted like he understood my feelings, but apparently not.

    I like your thoughts on what you will teach your children. It’s not about the number on the scale.



  313.  #313Starla on June 8, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    I have been professionally trained in Nioxin products and I absolutely recommend them. They feel good on the scalp and promote circulation, one of the best things you can do for hair loss/hair health in general.



  314.  #314Starla on June 8, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    Receiving Girl, I agree! It’s like shaming someone for being a prude/sl*t. Not cool either way.

    My mother was a competitive figure skater growing up and very small. She’s my height, 5’4″, but often only about 90 pounds or so. It’s just her frame and the way it ended up filling out. She has always been very sensitive about people referring to her as too skinny, and I feel bad for her about that.

    Even she has pressured me about my weight, though… and my hair and my skin and my…. blah blah blah. She’s probably just passing along all the pressure she’s received.



  315.  #315ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    @313 Thank you, Starla! ๐Ÿ™‚



  316.  #316ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    @314 Starla

    Yes, probably true. I know my mom is very insecure about herself. My dad doesn’t seem to be, but I think he is too, just hides it better with his strong, controlling personality.



  317.  #317Radiant Rising on June 8, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    The one thing that is worse than ranting and raving is ranting and raving about ANOTHER person’s ranting and raving. UGH. Can’t STAND that lol!



  318.  #318Ella on June 8, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    Well after such a positive start to the morning I now feel completely hopeless.

    I feel like what is the point?

    Of anything.

    At the moment it just feels like nothing works anyway.

    All I keep hearing in the world is how addiction wrecks lives, how alcohol has killed another person or broken another relationship, how people who have addictions never get better and its all doomed to fail.

    No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to straighten out my finances.

    And I put so much energy into my businesses only to have them go off the boil and never really blossom.

    Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot in my life to be thankful for, and yet, right now it all feels so hard.

    Yesterday I lost 2 nights worth of Zumba earnings from my best class due to a mess up with the hall booking.

    Today I recieved more bills, putting me totally behind again… once again I simply won’t have the money… what can I do?

    I HAVE been reading in wealth consciousness, I HAVE been working on my vibe, letting go of the outcome and tapping into my passion AND I have done all the practical stuff too.

    I look for new clients and I do my best to take care of existing ones.

    And tomorrow I was hoping to go to the city to celebrate my friend’s birthday with her and I just don’t have the money to go.

    She offered to pay but I don’t even have 50p spare, and I would feel too insecure relying on someone else completely like that… and not even having the money to get myself home, or buy food should the need arise.

    So I am going to stay home and so some ironing work instead… but even that won’t get the money I need to pay the bills next week. And then there will be more charges.

    What is the friggin point?

    And how am I supposed to stay open to other men and other options when I can barely even function cus of feeling worry about this money.

    And tonight I earnt some money from Zumba… but it was such a quiet class, and I felt so down that I immediately spent the money on food and a book for myself!

    I know I am not helping myself.

    And I am just finding it SOOO hard to pick myself up again and again.

    I have a boyfriend who I don’t trust, who could be an addict. No money and living with parents again.

    Ok so I am alive.

    I KNOW that I can shift this.

    Even with these difficult circumstances.

    And just right now I am feeling completely and utterly hopeless.

    Things feel insumountable today.

    I don’ see how anything can ever change, improve or get better.

    And especially with my relationship, because all I can hear are the voices that say addicts never get better.

    But I tried not dating an addict, and it just kept coming back, again and again in different forms.

    So then I thought, oh well, I will try accepting it and still working on me…

    And I am…

    And I just feel so tired.

    And joyless.

    What is the point?

    Why are people so shoddy?

    Why do addicts lie and can they really never ge better.

    Oh gosh what a complainy, negative post.

    And thank g*d I have this space to just pour it all out.



  319.  #319Radiant Rising on June 8, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    I just scrolled up and caught Heartbeat!!!

    Hi! I used to be Apple Jacks. Like Goodheart said, I remember we used to have a lot of laughs. Missed you! ๐Ÿ™‚



  320.  #320Daria on June 8, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    I used to be an alcoholic and now I most certainly Am Not!

    What helped me was noticing my feelings

    And doing short term vegan fasts/ diets. This helped build my focus on choosing wat to ingest.



  321.  #321Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    Radiant Rising you are Apple Jacks??!! Wow.

    (((((((((ELLA))))))))))))))
    I feel like wrapping my arms around you.



  322.  #322Starla on June 8, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    (((((((((((((((((Ella)))))))))))))))))))))



  323.  #323Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    My dad used to be an alcholic. He is not in the best of health at 77 but he is up and about. He just mowed the lawn yesterday to our shocking surprise.

    He is been alcohol free for years. He chose to stop.



  324.  #324Daria on June 8, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    Ella – for me the work in wealth is here

    ‘She offered to pay but I donโ€™t even have 50p spare, and I would feel too insecure relying on someone else completely like thatโ€ฆ and not even having the money to get myself home, or buy food should the need arise.’

    It puts me so face to face w my unworthiness feelings,

    Its about the ask and receive…

    Sometimes it feels so scary and I have to look at mu shame

    Omg I’m feelin some of this now around my birthday



  325.  #325Radiant Rising on June 8, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    Hi FW,

    Did we have interactions? I’m so sorry I had short bursts on the blog. I came in a burst, dropped off, than sporadic bursts here and there. You remember me?



  326.  #326Ella on June 8, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    Just to sum up my last post in a few words.

    I am feeling pretty hopeless right now.



  327.  #327Dominique on June 8, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    Receiving Girl – #252 – Oh my, this takes time and a lot of practice, at least it did for me. My family’s negativity can still make me feel cringey, but I’ve taught myself to distance myself from this and them. I chose not to see them much, and now that I live across the country from my mother, I only have to talk on the phone which is easier. My dad is more or less close by, and I do visit now since I barely saw him for SO many years, and strangely his negativity, lack of attention to and interest in me no longer bothers me in the least. I can feel his love though now for the first time ever as deeply buried as it is.

    You don’t have to visit them if you don’t want to. I stopped family functions about fifteen years ago. They adjust.

    xxoo



  328.  #328Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    Yes but I used to just read back then. hehe
    I had a vow to be invisible.



  329.  #329Radiant Rising on June 8, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    (((ELLA)))

    If it’s any consellation, I can somewhat relate today. There is a lot to be thankful for, but things feel very hard. Lots of love to you.



  330.  #330Radiant Rising on June 8, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    #328 -FW Gotcha lol. Well good now I don’t feel so terrible. I thought I didn’t remember you or something!



  331.  #331Radiant Rising on June 8, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    *Sigh* I don’t wanna go to work. Tomorrow’s my last day as a receptionist at my friend’s spa (thank God). I hopefully start my new job sometime this month.



  332.  #332Radiant Rising on June 8, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    See you later sirens *Waves and pouts* Lol. UGH! BLECH!



  333.  #333ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    ((((Ella))))



  334.  #334Dominique on June 8, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    Receiving Girl – #309 – Yes Nioxin is good, about as non toxic as a hair regrowth product can be. I suggested it for my brother in law once, and he had limited success with it though he was not consistent. It’s worth a try.

    xxoo



  335.  #335Dominique on June 8, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    I can completely relate to the weight thing. I too am tiny. I cannot get to 100lbs, so I don’t even try anymore. I used to get a lot of comments about this, more so when I was younger and even thinner, and it used to really bother me, but this was one of my triggers. It no longer triggers me, so when someone says something about this, I think little about it. This is their trigger, not mine.

    xxoo



  336.  #336Starla on June 8, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    FW I am (selfishly) super glad you let the invisibility vow go



  337.  #337ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    @327 Dominique

    Thank you. I’m still figuring out the best way to work with this.

    I live about 40 minutes from my parents. My dad doesn’t travel far very often, so they don’t come here too much, which is a good thing. I basically see them for holidays and when they need something. However, they call constantly. I’ve stopped answering every call, but if I don’t return a call within what they consider a good amount of time, they freak out that something happened to me.

    If I stay home from work sick and I don’t tell them, they get all mad about it as if I have to discuss my every move with them. The thing is they have contact info for people I know and my mom works with a couple of my friends. I don’t want them dragging them into this if I don’t contact them within what they consider a reasonable amount of time. They will act like something must have happened to me and freak out and start calling people to check on me. I don’t need that, nor do my friends.

    They are better when I am in a relationship with someone. They back off a little. I feel they don’t trust I can handle things on my own, but if someone else is with me, that person is capable, when they feel I am not. It’s like I’m only worthy if I have a man.



  338.  #338Femininewoman on June 8, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    ๐Ÿ™‚



  339.  #339ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    @334 Dominique

    Thanks, I ordered the trial kit from Amazon. It’s not sold in any stores around me. I will give it a try.



  340.  #340Francesca on June 8, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    (((Ella)))



  341.  #341ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    @335 Dominique

    I agree that it is their trigger, but it does still get to me.



  342.  #342Starla on June 8, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    I just told sandwich guy i facestalked him and saw he’s only 21 and I don’t wanna date someone that much younger than me. he says he’s really disappointed I won’t go out with him. Sorry, guy=/



  343.  #343Francesca on June 8, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    Well, it’s official.

    My man is leaving on Sunday.

    We’ll see each other tonight and tomorrow and then on Sunday morning, he’ll be on his way.

    I feel happy for him but a little bit sad that he’s leaving.

    I was spoiled, he stayed much longer than he was supposed to.

    I reckon it’s going to be tough for the first week or so but I’ll get used to him not being so close by.



  344.  #344Francesca on June 8, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    Poor sandwich guy, he won’t get to know what a siren you are. ๐Ÿ˜‰



  345.  #345Francesca on June 8, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    Radiant Rising, I’m working too tonight.

    Until 9pm.

    And it’s quiet because it’s supper time.

    And it’s raining.

    ๐Ÿ™

    Come in, come in, customers, I need to make money!

    Don’t want to lose my job.

    There’s a shortage of work for women where I am now.

    If this places goes belly up, I’ll have to be super resourceful and perhaps have to build my own business.

    That wouldn’t be so bad, I’ve always wanted to be my own boss.

    But it’s super tough to build a business from the ground up.

    Wow, I’m projecting but I have to say I think about losing my job quite often.



  346.  #346LoveAlways on June 8, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    AHHHHHHHH
    SOS
    SOS

    This man is a true rubber band!
    What do I do? I think it was on commitment blueprint, right? I need to refresh on my tools for this one. . .
    HELP.



  347.  #347Linda on June 8, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    I feel so tired! So very depleated. My head is so messed up. I am tired of having to work and rework on myself. Do this, dont do that… say this dont say that. Lean back, take a breath….stop, dont be this dont be that. OH my gosh my head and heart are spinning.

    It is all so much work and feels honestly lots of this feels very unnatural to me….

    I am a pro at not initiating, calling, texting. I am a pro at leaning back, waiting for him to move toward me. You know if I did get any physical attention from him I would just stop what I was doing and sink into it, smile, open up, receive but it never went any where further …. he did not want to have physical intimacy with me… for a long time. I could not turn it around no matter what I did or did not do.

    I did not look at this last relationship be a “learning experience” I was in it to be happy and it did not go that way. Nothing I did or abstained from made a difference for the better.

    When I read stuff from the comment that posted here like… It is not about having the right body or what you look like… well, he said it was!

    Modern Siren?? I am in independant, feminine woman… I thought I was, yet no one is practically falling over themselves for the pleasure of my company.

    You know…there are so many things that are out of our control… I feel so triggered by this statement!! “YOU have the power to make a man feel so attracted to you that he canโ€™t stop thinking about you and feels compelled to be with you and have you in his life forever”. I couldn’t make him want me or want to be with me!!

    Dominique said that I did nothing wrong and this was not “my man”…. but why not? Why wasn’t he, we had intial chemisty and always good companionship (when he was awake that is)
    ………..

    My subconscious is one h*ll of a mess! I dont know what to believe,think, feel, say, do or be anymore. I think I need to go back to being just ME. I want to flow, not be concerned if I did something wrong and if I did now I messed it up!

    I feel so much anger right now. I dont have anyone to blame for my situation but me!

    In post #9 this was said. “christians may refer to desire as hope” hope is a work… well in my case I have hoped and hoped and hoped…. are you familiar with the scripture that says “hope deferred makes the heart grow sick?” BINGO, thats me.

    Linda



  348.  #348LoveAlways on June 8, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    Okay, I realized, I let this man seduce me off my bridge.

    Back on the bridge sweetie – getting back into siren mode – full force and effect.

    Ugh – it’s a transition! I’ll work on shifting my vibe tonight.

    But I don’t feel angry or sad or anything like that. I feel mellow, I just know I need to get my booty back on my bridge.



  349.  #349lk on June 8, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    ella !!! things can change SO FAST though (((((ella)))))



  350.  #350Dominique on June 8, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    Receiving Girl – In time it will no longer trigger you if this bis what you want. It took me a long time, so it may you too. Little by little.

    As for your parents, maybe it’s time for some clear, calm boundary setting. A heart-to-heart in other words.

    xxoo



  351.  #351Dominique on June 8, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    Linda If he was your man, he wouldn’t have said what he did or treated you in this way. If he was your man he would have loved and adored ALL of you exactly as you are right now.

    I’m sorry you are hurting like this.

    Please vent all you need/want to.

    xxoo



  352.  #352Rebecca on June 8, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    FW ~ Going back to your question about when someone walks up to me anf lets rip. Firstly I didn’t mean rant and rave in quite such a dramatic sense!! But even if someone was like that towards me, it wouldn’t bother me. I quite like it because its easier for me to read than people who are polite all the time and don’t really express themselves fully. Though I don’t have a problem with these people much either. Each to his own I guess. We are all different, and from different cultures, so what is ranting and raving to one person is talking passionately to another. They is just my take anyway..



  353.  #353Rebecca on June 8, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    Linda ~ I feel sooo simillar. Utter confusion … And like you say so many rules to follow. I find it so difficult too… Maybe just try and take a step back and try to embrace the changes a bit at a time.

    I feel very over welmed too, and I am struggling..



  354.  #354Sassy on June 8, 2012 at 3:59 pm

    Ella,

    I am absolutely sorry that I said anything at all to you about addictions.
    Of course people can and do get better. No one is ever “cured” of an addiction, but they can stop using the substance that masks whatever pain it is they are in. It’s not easy and it doesn’t happen over night, but it CAN happen!
    Sugar, you seem to be carrying the weight of the world right now.
    You are a success; you will straighten out your finances and increase your clients. You will feel happy. Take one issue at a time, look at it from all sides and just throw a bunch of answers/remedies at the wall and see what sticks (aka brainstorming). If you need help, ask for it here. Every single siren on this blog has either been down your road and found a fix, or has been trained to help or can point you in the right direction.
    You will be ok, you are a beautiful soul that just needs some support right now.
    Much love



  355.  #355Sassy on June 8, 2012 at 4:01 pm

    A very Happy Birthday, Daria! I hope it is all you want it to be!!



  356.  #356Sassy on June 8, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    Starla….
    I feel curious, any response from CF???



  357.  #357Rebecca on June 8, 2012 at 4:17 pm

    FW ~ Just a thought but I wonder if I am talking / thinking of “ranting and raving” in a far more moderate way than you are. Hmm.. I feel



  358.  #358Rebecca on June 8, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    Ooops! I wanted to say…

    I feel curious..!!



  359.  #359ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    @350 Dominique

    Thank you. How does one set clear boundaries when they aren’t being heard or respected? I’ve had conversations with them. My father has numerous times done things that were totally over the line. I’ve called him out on them. Eventually, he backs off the tiniest bit, but then does something else. The other common result is things are turned around on me and my feelings turn into “insulting them”. My dad gets angry and my mom cries. They are great manipulators and deflectors. I just don’t know how to handle these situations.



  360.  #360ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    (((Linda)))



  361.  #361Dominique on June 8, 2012 at 4:49 pm

    I hear you Receiving Girl. You don’t want to shut them out, for they are your parents after all, and they are doing the best they know how given what meager tools they were given.

    Keep speaking your “truth” and in feeling messages. Make this ALL about you and how you feel, not about what they did.

    this feels bad…I feel embarrassed…I feel angry…I feel unheard…I don’t want…I don’t want to feel this way with you…and so

    xxoo



  362.  #362ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 4:49 pm

    I took a 2 hour nap and am still feeling tired. I think I’ll shower and see if that helps a little.

    Mr. Observant asked how I was doing. I told him I stayed home from work because I was feeling a bit run down with this flare & I slept a lot. He told me he was sorry about my flare up and asked how do I handle them.

    It feels so nice talking with him and I like his openness, gentleness, and respect. I hope he calls me tonight. I’d really like to hear his voice and ask him about the past week. I’d like to have an understanding for what he goes through.



  363.  #363ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 4:51 pm

    @361 Dominique

    I will give it a try. I do forget about FMs when I’m speaking with them. Maybe that will help.



  364.  #364Dominique on June 8, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    Linda and Rebecca – It’s not about rules. It’s about before reacting, checking in with yourself. Is this really about the other person? Or is this really about you and your triggers and/or sensitivities?

    Was this this behavior malicious? Or was this person just being human?

    We all say and do some stupid things sometimes, and it’s okay. It’s part of the human experience.

    But when a behavior is a pattern, and the triggers keep coming, then you speak up, but not about them and what they did, but about you and how you feel.

    You can’t make someone change. You can only change you, and if this person comes along for the healing ride, great. Not all can or want to change. You then need to decide if this is what you want for you.

    xxoo



  365.  #365R.N.AmazingMe on June 8, 2012 at 5:09 pm

    Parents will always be difficult because you never do what they think you should do. I finally had to just go in my head and do what is best for me and my kids. I will not let anyone dictate my happiness not even my parents. I still love them the sAME…not easy especially living with them. ๐Ÿ™‚



  366.  #366R.N.AmazingMe on June 8, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    Letting go of someone you love is one of the hardest things in life, I DO AGREE. Sometimes you can only hope your doing the right thing and one day you will see it.



  367.  #367Rebecca on June 8, 2012 at 5:54 pm

    Dominque ~ I agree but when you are in the thick of it those questions, and likewise answers can seem blurry and impossible to navigate. Attraction to somebody, the wrong person, or anybody – can blur our vision so its almost impossible to ask ourselves those questions and get an honest answer. Well, that’s how I am finding it.



  368.  #368Sunshine on June 8, 2012 at 6:06 pm

    I feel sad and confused. I went on a third date and traveled to this guys town (lives about an hour from me)…I paid a fee and the whole thing via train. I thought about how wrong it felt all the way there and how forward man energy it was. lo and behold he was not the same guy I was attracted to first couple of dates. He was rude, patronizing, and could not pay attention to me even when he was trying … even when I was talking about something that was really touching to me he was completely spaced out. First thing he said when I was in his car was… “could you have slammed the door any harder?!” wow….hes been calling and texting all day today so I texted “sorry your not what Im looking for” and he insited to atleast be friends bc he enjoys my company. I felt mean saying no so I said thats fine….hes been calling all day. I dont want to answer I feel so angry at this behavior and even though I do feel some attraction Im just done and dont want to stick it out no feeling messages nothing. ugh!



  369.  #369Starla on June 8, 2012 at 6:06 pm

    Sassy, no word from CF. I actually just tried calling again. I’ll try again on sunday. I *will* get to speak my piece in a 2-way conversation where I know he heard me, and I will get his stuff back to him, and move on with the sense of integrity I’ve been agonizing over not having.

    I’m not worried about looking crazy because I’m not being crazy. Crazy is dumping someone in an email after 9 months and telling them you want to spend the rest of your life with them and never giving them the respect of a 2 way conversation so they can process and move on with integrity, anyway:P. Okay, not crazy, but major avoidance issues, lol.

    Anyway, I’m okay. Last time I tried calling and this time just now, I actually feel MUCH better after I try. Because I know in my heart what I am doing is right for me and not with an agenda of trying to get him back. I feel soooo much better now that I’m on a mission for ME and not for our (dead) relationship or to get him wanting me again. This is my “boy” taking care of ME and not trying to get him back. I feel very very good about this and I know this is right for me and my ability to move on with no regrets of never clearing the air.

    I also feel more and more turned off by his avoidance issues, which is helping me tremendously to want him less. And it’s reminding me of how he wouldn’t talk to his own sister on his birthday and Christmas (the day after his birthday) because she and his mom were in a spat, and he wanted to avoid any potential conversations that might make him ‘uncomfortable.’ Or how he didn’t want to go to his own brother’s wedding out of protest because he felt his brother wasn’t mature enough to get married (he’s 26 and his fiance was pregnant by him — they were getting married regardless of CF’s opinion of his brother’s personality), or how he avoided this coffee shop I liked to hang out at because he felt uncomfortable needing to tell my friend that worked there that he didn’t want to be in a band with him. Or how he only had me to his house 2x for 10 minutes. Weird. I spent more time at his mother’s house and his father’s house than I did at his.

    Grow up, dude. Get a spine. Speak up for yourself so you don’t end up mud-sliding all your unmet expectations on people at the last minute, and only when they come to you with their own issues first. all because you were too uncomfortable to have a voice.

    I won’t be saying any of that to him, because it’s none of his business what I think of him. But it feels good to vent here:)

    If he doesn’t call me back after sunday’s attempt, I’m not exactly sure what I’ll do.

    I HAVE been down this road before with other men and friends, and while it feels/sounds scary to think about trying to call someone every dang day and how that might be perceived, I remember that once we just got on the dang phone and got it over with, they were NOT at all perturbed. It was their own avoidance causing them not to answer, and they always assumed I was calling to yell at them (something I need to work on in my relationships if that’s what they expect of me!), but when I’m calm and cool on the other end of the line, they actually end up apologizing for not answering sooner.

    I think the most important thing here is that I do not want to get him back with this phone call… this is to just set the record straight and to apologize for the things I keep wishing I could apologize for, from one human to another, so *i* can feel aligned with my own sense of integrity and respect. And also to apologize for any pain i unnecessarily caused him. Indeed I owe the man some apologies. Whether or not he also owes me apologies (I think he does) is besides the point and a separate entity from my own culpability.

    I am rambling now because I want to justify myself to the blog, but I feel really good and aligned with my choice.

    It helps a lot that I am not doing this to get him back. Enough time has passed that I can see that his own avoidance issues are a BIG problem, and they continue to this day.



  370.  #370Starla on June 8, 2012 at 6:14 pm

    Guys have been texting me quite a bit… they’re all very interested in me. But they’re not quite the “quality” I am looking for. I am going to keep feeling appreciative of these men and their gift of compliments and attention (((((men))))))) but really not settle and also keep working on raising my own vibe.

    All of these men have serious red-flag issues or compatibility issues

    GuitaristGuy – about 15 or 20 years older than me and always having financial responsibility issues
    SandwichGuy – a little nuts/”suicidal but god saved me” yikes, and only 21 years old
    RapperGuy – was high quality but just texted me to tell me he’s homeless right now. I don’t judge him, but it’s interesting that he is suddenly in a low quality place.
    ============================
    Interesting that all the above guys are semi-famous. Too bad semi famous doesn’t make you financially responsible or emotionally stable.

    Alaska – serious rejection/insecurity issues that are crazy-making, but he is financially responsible, though! yay haha. Not going to date him any more. I tried a few times and I do not feel good when these issues come up.

    There is a beautiful, successful man I just see around every so often, we never speak, but he is very magnetically drawn to me every time. I find him to be just so perfect from the outside. And he still has that wedding ring on.

    So, the universe says, “fret not, Starla, men adore you, and when you’re ready, you have a beautiful, high quality one coming to you! It has been written, obviously, like duhhhh!”

    hehe i feel goofy. I dunno what’s gotten into me.



  371.  #371ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 6:21 pm

    (((Sunshine))) I’m sorry. Wow, I can’t even believe he said that!



  372.  #372Starla on June 8, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    Aw sunshine, I tell those guys my personality is too sensitive to spend much time with them, and say I hope they can understand. It’s hard to tell someone they’re a f*cking assh*le haha. I just say aw I’m too sensitive.



  373.  #373Sunshine on June 8, 2012 at 6:39 pm

    thanks Recieving Girl and Starla…its true I am sensitive:( anyway Starla looks like youve got some interesting ones on your list!



  374.  #374Sassy on June 8, 2012 at 6:39 pm

    Proud of you Starla. You are finding and making your way and room for your next great, better love!
    I have been seriously sending out my intentions and “requirements” of the kind of man I expect to show up. I don’t necessarily need a forever after, but I have let myself be used and abused in the past and I don’t want that anymore. I’m falling in love with myself and will expect respect, courtesy, kindness, patience, good sense of humour (that is huge for me) and healthy love. I want the kind that is easy!



  375.  #375ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 6:39 pm

    Starla, if CF is that much of an avoider, I would imagine he will continue to avoid you, unless you trigger him in a way that brings him out of it.

    ShyGuy was a huge avoider. I mean, he would drive a totally different route if we were on the same road just to avoid me. The things that got him to not avoid me were if I asked him for help, although once he avoided anyways. Or if I got so overly emotional that he felt terrible about it. The only times he didn’t avoid on his own was when he was intoxicated. It is very difficult to be involved with avoiders.

    We are still friends & he no longer avoids me because I have moved past him, but it also upsets him that I did. It was so difficult because I knew he was interested, but he just couldn’t deal with it. He doesn’t date at all, hasn’t been on a date in 13 years, yet he wants to be married and have kids. I wish for his sake he’d learn to work through. He’s such a good guy.



  376.  #376ReceivingGirl on June 8, 2012 at 6:42 pm

    Starla, what if after Sunday, if you don’t talk to CF, you write him an email so you can say what you need to say. I know it’s not the 2 way conversation you would like, but it would be something.



  377.  #377Starla on June 8, 2012 at 6:55 pm

    376 RG, I might do that.

    I am going to run into him one of these days, and would really like to be able to just wave and say hello without any unfinished business looming over my head.

    For example, the band on his favorite shirt he loaned me that I want to give back to him is coming in August, and I will definitely be going because I wouldn’t miss a show like that for the world. And we share a favorite restaurant, etc…



  378.  #378Starla on June 8, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    well ladies, i am going to my neighborhood dive bar ALONE to have some chicken fingers and a beer. in SHORTS! That’s two things way out of my comfort zone. Be back in an hour:)



  379.  #379Brandylion on June 8, 2012 at 7:27 pm

    Radlove,

    We will not get back together, unequivocally. We both put on blinders to the things that made us incompatible for a lifelong relationship, namely that he is very, very, very Catholic and I am an atheist.

    For crying out loud, he felt so awful and guilty about the physical aspects of our relationship (which were, admittedly, much more intimate than he claimed he wanted in order to obey the dictates of his faith…yet I let him lead and decide just how far we were going to go, only touching him intimately once he’d begun touching me) that he quit going to confession. He told me that Thursday too.

    I have realized I’m going to have to ask him not to talk about his new girlfriend if we’re going to continue our friendship because it just hurts too fu(king much. And it’s going to keep hurting until I have someone new too.

    He had so many of the big-ticket (i.e. non-negotiable) qualities I want in a partner that I tried to work with the things about him that didn’t match up. It didn’t work. I was never going to be able to use natural family planning and he will not consider any other route for spacing pregnancies (because, of course, preventing pregnancies is not allowed, but spacing is). I bought a book on it a week before he dumped me so I could at least educate myself, and I realized it is not for me at all.

    To use NFP, during the fertile time you have to avoid any contact that can lead to arousal for the woman because vaginal lubrication gets mixed with the cervical mucus that you have to observe to tell when you’re still fertile. This means even kissing and cuddling are to be avoided (the book I read said this!). And this is a BIG DEAL to someone like me whose primary love language is touch!

    His take on things is that if you don’t want to be pregnant, you don’t have sex. Period. Even if you’re married. And if you are married, it had better be a d@mn good reason that you are avoiding pregnancy, like I would 100% definitely die if I carried a baby to term (never mind that fact that it is 2012 and women in the US still die in childbirth, so IMO *every* pregnancy is a risk to my life, health, and safety). He didn’t care at all that I didn’t want to go from an abstinent single life to a half-the-time abstinent married life (because that’s what it would be with the length of my cycles), because he thinks sex is the least important part of adult relationships.

    It was never going to work, but as awful as it felt staying with him and realizing this, it still felt better than I feel now. You are right, though, that there is still a part of me that wants him back because even a relationship that was never going to work was better than being alone again.



  380.  #380Brandylion on June 8, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    T-Girl,

    I am going to be in Tempe from Saturday night through Friday, August 3. If you are in that area, I would feel open to meeting a fellow siren. ๐Ÿ™‚



  381.  #381Starla on June 8, 2012 at 8:03 pm

    That felt fun! I feel brave for going alone! The bar was full of people and I just sat at a table alone grubbing chicken and drinking a dark beer. I ate half the chicken and 75% of my beer, and left feeling satisfied. I don’t generally finish my drinks, and lately my appetite is shrinking.

    And I look d*mn good in short-shorts. I still have a little cellulite on the back of my thighs, but I almost kind of LIKE the way it looks. I think it’s sexy.



  382.  #382Linda on June 8, 2012 at 8:05 pm

    Thanks Rebecca.. it feels a bit better, knowing I am not alone.

    Dominique: I do not feel that he wanted to change, go for the “healing ride” He certainly turned out not to be”my man” …. I am so thankful that the undercurrent that was so rank and foul is gone. If I sink into my feelings, I felt bad most the time. Uncared for in the real sense of the word. Unappreciated, unwanted, unvalued like we women want to be. Yeah I can cook a mean supper, but I am more than that.

    I just came from an evening of reconnecting with a friend (male) that I used to work with. I sat on the porch with him and smoked a cigar and drank a Stella (my favorite). He said: I know you… you gave it your best and you followed your heart and that took some courage!!… he said and a woman that will smoke a cigar on the porch with you!… now that is a rarity indeed. I laughed and felt good. I felt seen and appreciated.

    Rebecca.. I agree, it is hard to know what to say in the midst of things. It is just soo much work. I have to say that I did not feel good most of the time.

    I am off to bed it has been a long week!

    Linda



  383.  #383Sunshine on June 8, 2012 at 10:01 pm

    So Rori teaches to always be in touch w our feelings and to say ” I feel..” but Christian Carter talks about how men are frustrated by women who are up and down with feelings/intensity especially when first dating. He says because it will frustrate the man if he cant feel like hes making her happy…..I believe him. However I feel sad thinking I cant express my bad feelings in order to appear always “cool as a cucumber”- which is what I get is what CCarter says is what men like are attracted to …
    I FEEL CONFUSED PEOPLE



  384.  #384Vi on June 9, 2012 at 1:24 am

    Hi Sunshine,

    My guess is a man would feel happy if your happiness is really authentic. In my practice faking happiness felt neither good to me nor to my partners/or CDs. Sooner or later they just withdrew.. cuz I felt afraid to upset them and also not-enough and ended up being shut down to them and – to myself.
    In my practice a message can be frustrating only when it is about attacking and making a man wrong…
    Making CDing about ME only (and getting out of his head truly, completely, cold turkey) made the process for me much much better feeling and less scary.. Much love to you! :))



  385.  #385Vi on June 9, 2012 at 2:17 am

    This week I dedicated myself to forgiving me and looking for triggers that could point what I want to forgive myself for.
    It didn’t feel easy first so I started from “little” things – forgiving myself for feeling tight and edgy and not wanting to vacuum the carpet and that the meal I made on wednesday was too salty.. and letting myself to sleep longer.. and then forgiving myself for thinking about all these as “bad”… and guess what – my man used to mock me (at least I thought so) or snipe, and during the whole week there was not one single word from him that felt bad to me! Men turn out to be great as mirrors ))
    I also sent myself forgiveness for not wanting to talk to my mom though I had to… usually I beat myself up for being “a bad daughter” and this time I ended up thinking about myself as being one caring and good daughter cuz I made this call for her sake.. :))
    Woohoo! I am babystepping to MY happy-ever-after!



  386.  #386Lizka on June 9, 2012 at 4:22 am

    Ahh sirens, the guy from work who seemed to be flirting with me is actually married. Booh.

    I’am telling you, EVERY man I meet lately, is already taken. It’s crazy. Around me, only married people.

    But it’s weird, he was really flirting with me, I did not dream that. I guess it was just for fun

    After work, about 10 of us went to a bar for happy hour. I got there a few minutes after everyone cause I went to buy cigs and when I arrived, he had keep me a place next to him. There was a free chair between him and the girl sitting next to him, and then, everyone else… And he flirted with me all night again…

    And at one point, it was funny, he said “I have this friend who doesn’t know if a girl he works with is interested in him or know. How does girl act to show men they are interested?”. I giggled and I said “yeah right your friend” and we both laugh… I am wondering if he was talking about me?

    And actually, when the conversation came on the subject and I asked if he was married (this was outside of the flirtation, it was when we were all the group together talking about relationships), he was like all hesitating “well heu… yeah”

    Haha I am paranoid I think. Maybe all this is in my head. It probably is. But anyway, it was fun, and at least I gain a friend at the office… but still no new CD…



  387.  #387Lizka on June 9, 2012 at 4:29 am

    Arrgh but I got in trouble. Not real trouble but embarrassing trouble.

    I was drunk and when I got home, I emailed him at his work address because I know he sees it on his phone. Haha so not professional. Just some random stuff like “we didn’t party enough” or whatever, full of drunk spelling mistake, but the worst, is I felt stupid afterward so I sent ANOTHER email apologizing and that the first email was weird and embarassing. OMG! At least I did all this in a sireny way, in FM. Haha I’m so funny!

    So I’m going to feel embarassed on Monday when I see him, but it’s ok,I’m a big girl and I can assume it. I love that I don’t kick myself down for that. I love you Lizka!



  388.  #388Lizka on June 9, 2012 at 4:47 am

    And I also drunk texted ATW. He answered only later when I was sleeping.

    I don’t think I’m going to answer. He just said “Kitten!!! ๐Ÿ™‚ ”

    I don’t think this needs an answer right? Even if I’m the one who sent the first message? Anyway I’m feeling kind of turned off and blaaah about him right now. Because he said we would spend time together this weekend promised promised promised and it’s Saturday morning and he still haven’t confirm the plan and we actually haven’t talk for 2 days now. So whatever. I made fun plans with myself for the weekend.

    Today, it’s a nice weather but not too warm so I’ll go to the side walk sales and maybe downtown to do some shopping and then do my grocery and maybe even go to the outdoor market for some fresh vegetables and cheese.

    Tomorrow, the weather forecast says hot and sunny so I’ll go to the pool on this hotel’s rooftop downtown and spoil myself with strawberry daiquiries.

    Hmmm or maybe I should avoid downtown today and tomorrow as it is the F1 Grand Prix and there is people everywhere, plus the protester. OMG you don’t know how my city is a mess right now. Poor city.

    ((((((((((( Montreal ))))))))))

    oK so no downtown this weekend. I’ll just go to the sidewalk sales, grocery and the market and tomorrow I’ll have to find another pool or a beach to go tan at… wondering if the provincial beaches are open yet…

    Yay I’m happy of my plans that includeยธonly me me me and me and no ATW and not asking any other friend to go somewhere with me. I am feeling independant and it feels fun. I am no more gonna stay home because I don’t have a bf or a bff to do activities with me. Starting today, I’ll do everything I want to do all by myself. Whatever.

    Even for my birthday I think I’m not going to invite anyone. I’m just gonna dress fancy and spoiled myself somewhere I like, maybe with a strawberry daiquiri with vodka instead of rum and if anyone noticed that it’s my birthday, well they are welcome to join me and my daiquiri.

    Wow that feels scary and a little sad. I love my birthday so much and I have always organised crazy party with a lot of people and a lot of vodka and most of the time a lot of Russians. But doing the total opposite, organising nothing and just taking me in my sexy dress for a drink feels kind of sad… But I could feel incredibly strong after that. Ok challenge accepted.



  389.  #389Lizka on June 9, 2012 at 4:48 am

    So about ATW? What do I do? I reply or no to the message?



  390.  #390Lizka on June 9, 2012 at 4:51 am

    So anyway, I’m gonna go back to sleep for a few hours because I slept only 5 hours plus I am hangover so I will not survive this exciting day full of activities with my sexy little me.

    I’ll be back later sirens.

    Ciaooo! xoxo



  391.  #391Femininewoman on June 9, 2012 at 5:14 am

    Lizka there was no question to respond to



  392.  #392Jessie1000 on June 9, 2012 at 5:58 am

    Sometimes relationships make addicts worse.

    When I worked in a geriatrics albeit a psychiatric hospital for 2years, I also saw the work done with younger clients.

    They were all told the same.

    Get healthy.
    Be Single.
    When you can handle Life on your own and be SOBER
    then you can focus on relationships.

    The patients were encouraged to live on their own, focus on sobriety…from alcohol to crack addictions.

    That way they dont hurt their partners on the road to recovery and that way they can be self sufficient.

    Self sufficiency is an imp. step to cultivate in order to recovery.

    Unfortunately, living with addicts will bring a toll.

    Maybe it is a loving thing to do, for some, to let people go and let them either become sober or continue on their addictions (without u and sometimes with a new partner who is also an addict)

    However, there is no better incentive for an addict to get clean because his wife and children will no longer tolerate addictive behaviours in their house.

    Many people were able to reconcile because the wife took this strong step. It may be the most loving thing you can do for an addict. It also is definitely the most loving thing you can do for yourself and your kids.

    IS it scary? Yes.
    Is it a gamble. Yes.
    Will someone get better with you beside them….unfortunately, the probability is way less.
    And the amount of harm and abuse to you and your family …cycles of addiction is way higher when you live with an addict.

    I hope that everyone can become clear to understand that its not their job to rescue anyone.

    Its our job to live and be loved.

    Not many addicts are able to love you as a person when they are obsessed with some kind of drug that makes them feel better.

    THe obsession over rules your place in their life….second to the liquor store. Second to addiction types of activities…bars, clubs, social parties with over drinking…not to mention drug taking activities and all the risks involved….

    I feel very concerned when mental health professionals are not involved with helping the “well” partner to cope with someone who is an addict.

    Addictions are symptoms of very deep seated issues that are masked by self medication.

    While someone is self medicating their depressions and not getting the help they need, the partner will always be affected.

    Does addiction mean the termination of a relationship? No. But codependancy can fuel on like gasoline, an addicts reason for drinking (stuff like she makes me drink…she makes me do drugs, if she wasnt so bad, mean, a b*** all the time, I wouldnt do these things ….so the addict cant see their own real deep seated issues for drinking or drugs etc.

    Get help, if addictions are involved, personal counselling is wonderful for the “healthy” non addict to make safe and good choices for the family….you get help first if you are with an addict and then you can see the forest for the trees.

    Ive been there, lived it and bought the tshirt but help is out there, if you are ready to be loved….

    I felt incredibly moved by many of the girls experiences on this particular blog and I just want to say that Ive never found a counsellor with a long time in the addictions field and education that cant help someone to cope and to find true love….give it a try because its more wonderful than you know!!!

    Bless you all cause everyone deserves safety and freedom from this kind of lifestyle…its more sick than you realize when you are in it and only after will you understand what I mean….

    Kisses



  393.  #393Starla on June 9, 2012 at 7:07 am

    I am feeling incredibly depressed today. I am sure it is hormones. But I don’t want to move, I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to meet with my buddy for a movie later….

    And I would really like to at least cry or something? I dunno, I guess I’ll just post here and let some of it out for now.



  394.  #394Smile on June 9, 2012 at 7:09 am

    I’m scared, I’m single for the first time in my life since being 14. I’m now 28. I’ve had a 10 year relationship, a 2 year and one just over a year. I’m strong and know myself well but I want a committed relationship. The guy I was with said he isn’t ready so that means I have to move on… This scares me a little! Where do I find men! I work in an all woman environment… All my friends are female! I went out last night and I realised the last place I want to meet a man is drunken in a club, somewhere I don’t go often anyway. I’ve just been to join the gym, maybe I will meet more men this way…
    Joining a dating website scares the heck out of me, Ive heard lots of horror stories about weirdos.
    Any advice sirens?



  395.  #395Starla on June 9, 2012 at 7:14 am

    Smile, yes, start making eye contact and smiling for 5 seconds with men that look interesting to you when you’re out and about on a daily basis. They generally will come talk to you when you do this, like it was all their idea.



  396.  #396Tam on June 9, 2012 at 7:26 am

    Also feeling depressed. Stuck at my Dad’s house, no proper job, bald CD kind of poofed on me after wanting to do something this weekend (he just wrote a message NOW – but no plans). Unavailable man, well, he wrote me a message about ‘platonic being best’ last week, and I wanted to give him the ‘no friends speech’ and drafted an email and did not even have the energy to finish that – I figured there is no point, why waste more energy. I want to get back to the US but have failed to find a suitable sponsorship for a visa after the last company went bust…so I foresee having to take some shopwork or cleaning job (I have 2 degrees) here just to save some money, whilst I keep trying to get back to Florida.
    If any aspect of my life had a little glimmer of hope, I would cling to it like a woman possessed…but there is just nothing coming into my direction right now, and the fact that I have no money, I can’t even go out by myself and do anything at all. Or buy nice groceries, it’s just bare necessities. i know, whinging won’t help, but I feel hopeless right now.
    Maybe it’s also hormones, who knows.
    Fed up.



  397.  #397Starla on June 9, 2012 at 7:28 am

    ((((((((Tam))))))))))))))



  398.  #398Tam on June 9, 2012 at 7:30 am

    Haha…and the only thing still left to me, the outdoors, where I had been escaping to, makes me go into an allergy induced coma everytime I get back to the house. Grasses as high as me..and their lovely pollen. Damn it, what is going on?! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
    Thanks Starla. I stop whinging and spamming now, got it off my chest ๐Ÿ™‚



  399.  #399Smile on June 9, 2012 at 7:39 am

    Starla, thank you. This I feel comfortable doing. I guess you can do this anywhere! I will try it when I go to the shops later. I’m feeling positive and hopeful. I like that you say it makes them think it was all their idea. In my head I’ve been thinking it’s me who has to do something and I feel scared by that because I wouldnt know what to do right now. If my job is to smile right now I can do that. Thank you again



  400.  #400Starla on June 9, 2012 at 7:44 am

    I guess I could just get up and force myself to start moving… I have laundry to get together and cleaning to do. I could set a timer for 15 minutes and just go for it…

    I don’t want to:( It’s like depression is possessing me and controlling me.

    Okay, I’m gonna do this.

    Interestingly, if I were seeing any men right now, I would be texting them/calling them about how depressed I feel, and hoping they’d come to cheer me up.

    I am going to learn how to pull out of funks myself.

    Thanks for the spamming space.



  401.  #401Lizka on June 9, 2012 at 7:45 am

    oh ok. No answer then. Thanks FW

    I wonder though (not in this situation, but in general), when a guy send a text with no question, like”hey” or “kitten!! ๐Ÿ™‚ “, should we or not respond? It’s not a question, but he is definitely trying to catch our attention, no? So what do we do with attention catching but no question mark?

    I agree it does not apply in this situation because with his “Kitten!! ๐Ÿ™‚ ” he was trying to catch my attention, he was replying to me trying to catch his attention drunky drunk an hour before.



  402.  #402Starla on June 9, 2012 at 7:50 am

    Smile, will you please come back later and tell us how it went? I would love to hear about how the 5 second smile tool went for you!

    I KNOW that when I feel ready to date (I’m like you — I haven’t been truly single in years and years. I’m 27), the 5 second smile tool will be a major source of men. I’m not ready for that, though. I need some alone time, though, because I don’t know myself very well in a lot of ways.



  403.  #403Lizka on June 9, 2012 at 7:50 am

    I feel so hangover and tired… I could just stay in my couch all day and watch TV and this would feel so fun and cozy…

    But I really want to go out and do something because I know I’m going to feel guilty if I stay in all weekend…

    Kick your own butt Lizka and get out of this bed. There is vodka and Gatorade waiting for you in the kitchen to heal this hangover!!



  404.  #404Lizka on June 9, 2012 at 7:51 am

    (((((((((( Starla )))))))))

    If you would live in my city, I’d pick you up today, go for a delicious breakfast and then we would go shopping to cheer you up! ๐Ÿ™‚



  405.  #405Starla on June 9, 2012 at 8:13 am

    Thanks, Lizka:) That would feel so fun!

    I don’t have a whole lot of girlfriends, and I know that is also something I can change when I’m ready, but the universe (and I) really wants me to learn to manage depression on my own. When I no longer NEED other people to make me happy, I know I will be surrounded by people who only want to make me happy.

    I do have one very very close friend that I can call at any time. i feel blessed. She really is enough, especially since she stopped drinking because she is pregnant. When she has her baby, the tables will turn a bit and I will be showing her the support she shows me right now.



  406.  #406Linda on June 9, 2012 at 8:17 am

    Rebecca

    I actually went back and read a most of your posts in this tread. I feel a connection with what you are saying in them and identify with your questions.

    I circular dated for a year and it did help build my confidence with men. I met the man that I was with the past 2 years that way. He was the only one I connected with really. Why I dont know. If I had screened him by his report card of life and what kind of grades he had gotten in life I would have not gotten involved, but I followed my heart and not my head, something my Dad always said to do. That is why I say I have gotten myself into this and have no one else to blame but me. This relationship felt like work all the time, but you know we hear that all the time, relationships take work and effort and maybe that works out for good when two of you are doing it.

    Before this last two years, I would be consumed with wonder what he is doing, want to talk, text.. etc wondering why he doesnt want to be with me etc. etc…. went on a trip and I found he was texting another woman and cut if OFF. I felt hurt and betrayed and moved on with my life. Then he contacted me again weeks later, wrote me what appeared to be a heartfelt, change of everything letter. I read it and we had what I thought was a meeting of the mind and heart and a commitment to walk together.

    I consider myself to be a very practical woman. I love practically too, meet needs, step in to give a hand or help, cook good meals, keep a tidy clean house and yard. Can cut hair, find a bargin, stretch a penny, a sort of “can do woman”. I treat others the way I would want to be treated. I speak my mind when I need to. My motto has been to respond to life instead of reacting to it. A Kind word turns away rath.

    My last relationship was wrong for me. I was in the midst of it and I heard clearly in my spirit… “you can have him if you want, but he is not the best for you”…. I felt laid bare and sick at my stomach.

    I worked hard a letting him go and he came back but it was not the fairy tale ending… more like a soap opera and night mare. I thought got what I wanted an what was supposed to be when he came back ( I thought all my new moves and behaviors I learned here worked)…. but the reality was within a life with him I awful and it was not good for me.

    I suppose I had to go all the way with this to understand fully and be released from the grips of the hope or desire to be with this person. Living with him in my life daily was no fun, nor was it satisfying to me in any lasting way.

    When men dont keep their word to you, dont text, or call, or contact, or want to be with you, there could well be a million reasons and I can tell you for a assured fact that YOU and YOUR BEST INTEREST is NOT ONE OF THEM!



  407.  #407Linda on June 9, 2012 at 8:17 am

    Rebecca

    I actually went back and read a most of your posts in this tread. I feel a connection with what you are saying in them and identify with your questions.

    I circular dated for a year and it did help build my confidence with men. I met the man that I was with the past 2 years that way. He was the only one I connected with really. Why I dont know. If I had screened him by his report card of life and what kind of grades he had gotten in life I would have not gotten involved, but I followed my heart and not my head, something my Dad always said to do. That is why I say I have gotten myself into this and have no one else to blame but me. This relationship felt like work all the time, but you know we hear that all the time, relationships take work and effort and maybe that works out for good when two of you are doing it.

    Before this last two years, I would be consumed with wonder what he is doing, want to talk, text.. etc wondering why he doesnt want to be with me etc. etc…. went on a trip and I found he was texting another woman and cut if OFF. I felt hurt and betrayed and moved on with my life. Then he contacted me again weeks later, wrote me what appeared to be a heartfelt, change of everything letter. I read it and we had what I thought was a meeting of the mind and heart and a commitment to walk together.

    I consider myself to be a very practical woman. I love practically too, meet needs, step in to give a hand or help, cook good meals, keep a tidy clean house and yard. Can cut hair, find a bargin, stretch a penny, a sort of “can do woman”. I treat others the way I would want to be treated. I speak my mind when I need to. My motto has been to respond to life instead of reacting to it. A Kind word turns away rath.

    My last relationship was wrong for me. I was in the midst of it and I heard clearly in my spirit… “you can have him if you want, but he is not the best for you”…. I felt laid bare and sick at my stomach.

    I worked hard a letting him go and he came back but it was not the fairy tale ending… more like a soap opera and night mare. I thought got what I wanted an what was supposed to be when he came back ( I thought all my new moves and behaviors I learned here worked)…. but the reality was within a life with him I awful and it was not good for me.

    I suppose I had to go all the way with this to understand fully and be released from the grips of the hope or desire to be with this person. Living with him in my life daily was no fun, nor was it satisfying to me in any lasting way.

    When men dont keep their word to you, dont text, or call, or contact, or want to be with you, there could well be a million reasons and I can tell you for a assured fact that YOU and YOUR BEST INTEREST is NOT ONE OF THEM!



  408.  #408Starla on June 9, 2012 at 8:18 am

    I did set the timer for 15 minutes and my house is much cleaner! I feel better right now. I am now doing my oil pulling and will do some beauty rituals for myself, and then re-evaluate my mood and decide what to do next. I am just taking it moment by moment. I feel like I am learning some really important things about how to best take care of myself today.

    swish swish swish swish swish ::::oil pulling::::



  409.  #409Smile on June 9, 2012 at 8:23 am

    Wow! So I just went to the shops just to ‘have a go lol’ whilst I didn’t manage to speak to anyone, Im not ready for this just yet until I’m more confident with it, I did catch a guys eye. It was only for 2 seconds but he did turn round and look at me again!

    It’s also made me more aware of how much I go around with my head down. I’ll be looking up from now on, not at my feet lol!

    Im ready for a relationship but like you Starla I think I need some alone time first. I’ve always gone from one person to the next without any time for me. It’s good that you are taking this space for yourself. I think I’ll join you lol. But in the meantime I’m going to be getting myself ready to attract the right man.

    I’ve got to stay in now as I’m babysitting my nephew but as soon as I’m free I’ll be out trying the eye contact thing again. I’m excited๎•

    Hoping you find some motivation Starla. I know what those days feel like too. I find putting some good music on when your doing house jobs helps a lot.



  410.  #410Starla on June 9, 2012 at 8:26 am

    I found the full audio of Rich Dad Poor Dad on YouTube! Enjoy:)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBPsdJAzBC0&feature=related



  411.  #411Starla on June 9, 2012 at 8:30 am

    Smile, you sound great!



  412.  #412Linda on June 9, 2012 at 8:32 am

    SORRY about the double post all. I clicked twice. oopps.



  413.  #413Starla on June 9, 2012 at 8:45 am

    I feel sad to be all alone and for all the heart break and breakups I’ve been through, but I intend to see this differently from now on.

    Thank you, Universe, for breaking my connections with men who:

    are liars
    have addictions
    speak abusively to me
    aren’t attractive to me
    are too young for me
    are poor communicators to the point of damaging the relationship
    are cowards
    reject me
    make poor decisions



  414.  #414Starla on June 9, 2012 at 8:46 am

    I have a history of chasing men who reject me. I do always get them back, but it is my history nonetheless.



  415.  #415Pamelala on June 9, 2012 at 8:52 am

    So, I’m seeing a new guy. I really like him…he’s all masculine energy, laughter, and nurture. It’s VERY new to me to be treated so well, but I’m starting to worry that he’s falling into the “instant relationship” trap.

    We’ve had two dates in the past week and we’ll be seing each other today, by birthday (he’s making dinner, we’re watching a movie in his home theater (!) and having a bonfire in the backyard). He plans everything and checks in to see if his plans sound fun and interesting to me…but he has also been checking in to let me know he’s home from work and heading out with the guys and what am I doing tonight, or he’s awoken and is thinking about me, or he and his roommates are headed to dinner but can he call me later…that kind of stuf.

    It’s all very sweet and I like that he’s thinking of me, but my son thinks he’s just looking for “a relationship”…that it’s not about me, per se, but the fact that he knows how to and is comfortable “doing” relationship. The son is warning me to be careful.

    I was in 7th heaven with this beautiful attention, but now I’m questioning my own intuition.

    We’ve already had the “I’m not having sex with you until we have a deep, trusting, emotionally intimate connection that will take time to develop and we have an exclusive relationship with the possiblity of marriage” talk and we’re on the same page with that. That was new for me, too.

    I don’t really have a question, but needed to get this out in a place where others might understand the newness of being treated this way and the questioning of my own deservedness and his authenticity.

    I will be working with some Rori tools to confirm that I deserve to be treated well by a man and just to check in with my feelings and “be” and let him show me who he is over the course of time.

    Thanks for listening!!



  416.  #416Radlove on June 9, 2012 at 8:54 am

    {{{Brandylion}}},

    379 – Bummer, sorry to hear that. Is what he is talking about the same as the rhythm method? Because if so, you can tell him the rhythm method doesn’t work.

    How do I know? I’m a rhythm baby, LOL! ๐Ÿ˜‰

    But thankfully my parents were pleasantly surprised when I came into the picture! ๐Ÿ™‚

    I am prolife, but that stuff he’s talking about is carrying it way too far! Noway!



  417.  #417Ella on June 9, 2012 at 8:59 am

    Thanks for all the lovely, loving replies Sirens.

    Sassy, no don’t ever say you wish you hadn’t said anything. I feel so glad Sirens share openly, even when it triggers people, it is all part and parcel of the healing I reckon.

    Jessie1000 – thanks for your post. I have lots of experience of being with addicts, pretty much most of my relationships have been with people who were addicted to something or other, which makes me, or made me, co-dependant.

    I have also noticed, in general, and even in myself, varying degrees of addictive behaviour in MOST people, so I do not think it is as black and white as people make out.

    I have had counselling, I’ve been to Al Anon… I know all the theories and the school of thought that an addict has to be alone to get sober etc…

    There is a lot to be said for that, and a lot of evidence that supports that.

    Is that the case in my situation… well I don’t know.

    I don’t even know anymore how much of an ‘addict’ MWC is…

    His counsellor says that she thinks he uses all kinds of things, including work, to avoid some of his deep issues and feelings.

    It seems like he is ready to look at those.

    He has been on his own for the last year.

    I don’t have to deal with eny of the destructive behaviours listed at the moment, he doesn’t go out
    drinking in bars, he doesn’t take drugs etc…

    Does that mean everything is solved and I will never have to deal with any of these things?

    Who knows.

    I KNOW I will NOT tolerate addictive behaviours, in a relationship or marriage.

    The issues we’ve been dealing with are mainly about trust.

    So anyway, I guess you could also say I have been there and got the T shirt… however, this time, when I realised I was developing feelsing for another person with some addiction type issues, I finally decided to just surrender. I decided to try something different and folllow my feelings, trust my boundaries etc. Instead of trying to ‘think’ my way out of it all or shrivelling up in fear.

    I said ‘OK, bring it on, what have I got to learn here?’

    Because this issue just keeps coming back and back and back in my life.

    I am still comitted to me and my own life.

    And I am thankful for this place to vent when it all gets a bit much!

    Anway… I am going to write another, separate post now, because a lot has happened since yesterday.

    And thanks again for all the loving support ladies.



  418.  #418Starla on June 9, 2012 at 9:04 am

    thank you, Universe, for cutting my ties with men who:

    hit me
    stalk me
    are selfish lovers
    don’t honor my requests for space
    try to control me

    blah blah blah

    i don’t want to focus on how bad all these men were, either.



  419.  #419ReceivingGirl on June 9, 2012 at 9:12 am

    @394 Smile

    Yes, I feel the same way. I want a committed relationship too. I’ve always had long-term relationships (serial monogamist) and I was never alone from ages 19-32.

    Then, at 32, I took 3 years off to myself. Well, not completely off because I was pining and flirting with ShyGuy for that long, thinking it would transpire into something, but it never did.

    I highly recommend taking some time off for yourself. See how you are at doing your own thing and not worrying about a man in your life.

    This was a great experience for me and I grew a lot. I had only me to depend on and I learned so much about myself. I did a lot of reading in regards to self-help sort of things, which helped me get into me. Those books prompt personal thoughts and investigations of all sorts.

    I ventured into many topics…just whatever drew my attention. It may have had nothing do to with me, per se, but it always made me consider things about myself and help learn about others.

    I also am not a fan of the dating sites. I’ve tried it a couple of times, but it completely turns me off. I still haven’t quite figured out why. It may be just that I’m on display and people are commenting about me before they have even met me. I feel defensive. Like when a guy tells me I’m beautiful, I think, “you don’t even know me!” I guess that is something I have to work on. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Good luck to you.



  420.  #420Ella on June 9, 2012 at 9:23 am

    So yesterday, after posting on here… I actually had a bit of a meltdown.

    MWC phoned and I literally collapsed in floods of tears and couldn’t get myself together.

    I couldn’t think clearly and I was a mess. I couldn’t make sentences or clearly express how I was feeling.

    I was just feeling totally overwhelmed and not good.

    My mind was thinking some really dark stuff, that I have not thought like that for ages, and I literally kind of felt like I couldn’t cope or function.

    A voice in my head kept telling me to ‘Pull it together. And stop being silly, and get some substance etc… and that I could cope, because what about people with REAL problems’

    I imagined if I was in a real life or death situation and of course I could pull it together.

    But hearing that voice, and trying to comply with that actually felt like killing a bit of my soul!

    I feel judgemental of myself for what seems to me like over dramatising this… but this is really how it all felt.

    And I kept telling MWC not to come over, just to leave me alone.

    I wanted to shut him out.

    But he insisted.

    He said he would not leave me when I am that upset.

    So he came over.

    He had to almost coax me into the car because I kind of froze up and I wouldn’t let him near me for a while.

    When we got to his we started talking and I said I just felt so confused and overwhelmed with everything… and that I knew something was going on… something didn’t add up, with the sickness etc…

    And that my life just felt like a total mess.

    And then he told me…

    His crohn’s disease is back.

    He had had a major operation before and had the majority of his digestive system removed… and his to live with the consequences of that… I knew about that.

    But anyway he said that in the last few weeks he has been experiencing symptoms again.

    Last time he got ill, when he had the surgery, they told him he had to have the op, or he would only have 6 months to live. He had the disease badly.

    And so he is really scared. He cried a bit.

    I don’t know how I felt hearing that… kinda scared, sad, and bad for not being there for him, or giving him the benefit of the doubt…

    he said he was sorry he hadn’t told me sooner, but that he had been unsure and feeling really confused.

    And he is experiencing abdominal pains, bleeding and other sypmtoms.

    My mind immeditaly went to the worst case scenarios, and I began to feel really, really sad.

    I began imagining the worst and feeling scared.

    I don’t want to lose him in that way.

    He said he feels relieved that I am there for him and we can face it together. And that feels good to me, if a little scary.

    Anyway I have since read up on crohn’s disease and understand that relapses are actually quite likely, but that there are LOADS of things that can be done to help.

    Obviously my overfunctioning tendancies have been thoroughly tirggered so I am going to need to pay careful attention to how I handle this.



  421.  #421ReceivingGirl on June 9, 2012 at 9:38 am

    (((Tam)))



  422.  #422Lizka on June 9, 2012 at 9:41 am

    This guy is incredible!!

    ATW just texte me asking me the name of the restaurant where we went the other day. I told him and he says “thanks, I’m with my friend, looking for a patio to eat. Going there.”

    Seriously I’ve been leaning back for 2 days and you come break this with something that reminds me that we planned to be together but that you forgot me AGAIN???

    Arrrgghg I feel furious!!

    And I couldn’t help my self asking if we are still planning to do something this weekend like he mentioned and he could feel my angriness.

    Omg I am so mad and I want to scream my rage and cry.

    I don’t even feel like going to my great nice day with myself anymore. My day just feels ruined now. ๐Ÿ™



  423.  #423Starla on June 9, 2012 at 9:45 am

    Lizka, I do not like that this man ruins your whole day. I know it’s not “his” fault, because he really cannot control your mood, but still I do not like it!!



  424.  #424Ella on June 9, 2012 at 9:55 am

    Ok so that is thing no 1 that happened.

    Thing no 2 that has been REALLY playing on my mind is a business deal I have with one of my friends, who helped me by paying for some training and bits when I was starting my company, and we had said that later on she would take 25% of what the company brought in… another 25% would go back into the business and the other 50% would be to pay me.

    However in reality this deal is not working out well at all.

    In fact it is working out really badly for me. Meaning that I am only earning ยฃ10 each time I teach a pole lesson, which is just not practical or sustainable. And I am doing all the work of building up, marketing, running the company etc… and the teaching, and yet I would only be getting this amount, and we were calling it a partnership.

    She has put in a bit of money, given me some business advice and also referred some clients. As yet she has not taken any money out…

    So what she has done is also very valuable…

    And I have been needing to talk to her about how I don’t feel happy with the arrangement but I have been feeling stuck and scared.

    I have felt literally terrified to have this talk for fear of being ungrateful, a bad friend and also the possible repercussions, fear based stuff that my mind has been playing through and probably amplifying!

    Anyway today I ended up talking with another good friend who is also a tax accountant and solicitor. And she put it to me that to call this a partnership is not right, and in terms of accounts, tax and legalities could set up a nightmare.

    She suggested that it would not be fair for me to be doing all the work and this other person to be getting 25% of the income.

    She asked what happens to any profits?

    I didn’t know…

    I realised that I need to be savvy here.

    And I intend to set everything up properly and do this right. This is part of my future, and is my business, and my hard work, and I intend to organise it to the best of my abilities so that I have the best chances of success.

    I feel massively appreciative of the help I recieved, and I do not intend to screw anyone over and also I am not a beggar who needs to accept scraps and any deal that is thrown my way.

    So we came up with the idea that I pay back my friend for any financial contributions she has made (loaned me)… and also pay her a comission (25%) for any clients that came from her, and offer her that I will continue to pay 25% for any clients that come from her.

    But that the business is mine and she does not get 25% of it all.

    This feels better to me.

    I still feel super scared to have this conversation with my friend. But I am committed to myself so I will. And also I don’t have the money to pay her straight back… but I can pay her back bit by bit… and I will.

    I am going to script (not here) so that I can pick the right words.



  425.  #425ReceivingGirl on June 9, 2012 at 9:57 am

    @415 Pamelala

    Wow, I can totally relate. This is exactly how Mr. Observant was treating me. He made everything about me and was taking care of me. I also had a little bit of a concern about it. Do you think maybe it’s just we aren’t used to being treated so well and it causes us concern because we don’t believe there are men like this out there? So, then we question it?



  426.  #426Ella on June 9, 2012 at 9:59 am

    Re post 420

    When I said this “and get some substance” … just to clarify, what I meant is get some backbone… I felt worried in case anyone thought I was referring to getting some drugs!

    And also, MWC has an appointment with the Doctors on Monday, although alternative and natural healing methods could feel good here too.



  427.  #427ReceivingGirl on June 9, 2012 at 10:05 am

    (((Ella)))

    That is terrible news about MWC. I feel sad this is happening, but I also feel glad he told you what was going on and that it is not that he was drinking. This will help your trust issues with him and now you will be able to be supportive. He needs you right now. Sending prayers and healing vibes to MWC.



  428.  #428Tereana on June 9, 2012 at 10:06 am

    FW – You said “some people give so that they can control others.”

    This is so true, because I know that this the reason behind any of my mom’s “generosity.” it is always followed by control. At first, I feel good when she gives to me. But I also fear it. Because it is not genuine and open-hearted. It is always followed by a course of control. She uses it as a medium of control, especially if she is giving me something I need. She uses it to pull the strings.

    It feels icky and gross and like betraying my trust.

    My one main hope is that I do not do the same to others. But I know that this is why I have a hard time giving generously – I don’t “give” to people, because I don’t want to control. And if giving makes me feel “power over” them, I don’t want that.

    I do pray that I can one day heal from this, and learn to give generously, with an open heart, and receive in an open way, without any assumption that there is a level of control on other side. Because I know instinctively that Love does not ever try to control . It just doesn’t. Because the truth is, you really can’t control anyone…



  429.  #429Ella on June 9, 2012 at 10:08 am

    Lizka,

    A great chance to practice FMs I reckon? …

    ‘I’m feeling a bit forgotten, I actually feel quite upset’

    And make sure that the vibe is about YOU and how YOU are feeling.

    Or even ‘I am feeling really angry. I don’t want to have plans and then be forgotten about!’

    I would…

    Its a chance to practice being really authentic.

    Unless I have missed something here?



  430.  #430ReceivingGirl on June 9, 2012 at 10:09 am

    @422 Lizka

    I would be angry too. Are men really that dense? Sometimes I wonder. Don’t let him ruin your day. Get your butt into that sexy dress of your and strut around town turning all the men’s heads. You take control of your day, don’t let ATW control it. (((Lizka))) Have some fun girl! ๐Ÿ™‚



  431.  #431Ella on June 9, 2012 at 10:12 am

    Receiving Girl,

    Thank You so much.

    Yes I felt that mixture too.

    So sad and scared to hear he is not well, and glad that he told me and that he is not drinking and I can now be there for him.

    Thank You for the healing vibes to him… I believe they can really help.



  432.  #432Lizka on June 9, 2012 at 10:15 am

    No Ella, you didn’t miss anything.

    Actually, after we hang up (yes, after texting me to ask me the name of the restaurant, HE called me to make sure of the address and tell me his wonderful plan for the day with his friend), I texted him and wrote “I,m sorry if I put pressure. I just felt weird after you called me for ideas of plans with your friend when I thought we were doing something together this weekend. I felt angry and forgotten. That’s it. Have a good day. xo”

    And he replied “Have a good day”.

    I prefer your suggestion but I saw it too late. Does my FM makes sense anyway?

    My day is not ruined after all, I dressed and I’m all ready to go. I’m feeling mad at him and even though he said we are doing something tomorrow for sure, I don’t feel too much like seeing him and I think he is just planning on invite me play freezbe with his friends in the park which is really not something I like to do and not the kind of date I like.

    So I’m gonna stick to my plan of going to the pool alone. If he calls me with a better plan that feels like a date (no friends, and do something I’m going to enjoy), I’ll go, but if not, I’ll find a good FM and do my own plans instead.

    Thank you for your support Ella and Starla. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Off to shopping now, I’ll be back tonight! xoxo



  433.  #433Tereana on June 9, 2012 at 10:19 am

    Emerson – it felt so good to read your posts in 203 & 204! Wow, I feel misty-eyed, even though I am on the train. ๐Ÿ™‚ Thank you!! I feel hugged…



  434.  #434ReceivingGirl on June 9, 2012 at 10:32 am

    @428 Tereana

    I feel the same way about my parents giving to me. They are all about control. They are very “generous” to a lot of people, but then use it against those people.



  435.  #435ReceivingGirl on June 9, 2012 at 10:39 am

    I feel yesterday was a tease. I haven’t heard from Mr. Observant since then and I wonder if he’s not completely better yet. ๐Ÿ™

    I also feel a little concerned he may think I don’t want a part of him now that he’s bipolar. I say this because on our date, he was asking me about my previous relationships, so I told him about them. I told him about the one guy who was bipolar and how he got all crazy, drank tons, had tons of prescriptions and also bought vicodan, etc. and how scary he was.

    I hope he doesn’t think I don’t want a part of him because of what I said. It was a totally different situation because he was self-destructive and dangerous. Mr. Observant is doing things to make himself better. I don’t feel he is dangerous. I feel safe with him.



  436.  #436Ella on June 9, 2012 at 10:41 am

    Hi Lizka,

    I think your FM is fine.

    Little tweaks for future. I would not start by apologising.

    You do not need to apologise for your feelings, especially when he is the one being shoddy for forgetting your date!

    And I also wouldn’t have added the ‘that’s it. Have a good day’ as it just feels kinda businessy to me, and also maybe a little inauthentic to wish him a good day when I am feeling angry and forgotten.

    Like making nice which gives away my power.

    Having said all that I think your FM was fine and bravo to you for saying something and standing up for yourself.

    Personally I have found the most powerful FMs for me have been with I have simply expressed my raw feelings and them alone like ‘I feel angry and forgotten’ nothing else.

    I have always felt scared saying it… but I sure do feel empowered afterwards, and often times it has had a powerful effect on men to, who quickly make an effort to put right the thing that has upset me, although this cannot be guarenteed of course.

    It also helps weed out the duds.

    I feel pleased to read that you intend to enjoy your day anyway beautiful Siren Lizka.

    xoxox



  437.  #437Starla on June 9, 2012 at 10:54 am

    Ohh feeling so depressed today. I have movie plans later with a buddy. I don’t know what to do with myself. I have ideas about how to spend the day but I honestly feel SCARED to go out in public. I don’t know why. What oh what is my deal?

    I feel terrified and alone. I am chatting with a long distance friend/guy who would date me if I lived closer, and telling him about my depression and getting comfort from him is not making me feel better by any means.

    I need to take care of my own happiness.

    I am going to put on some music and get out of bed and get dressed.



  438.  #438Tam on June 9, 2012 at 10:58 am

    ((((Starla))))



  439.  #439Femininewoman on June 9, 2012 at 11:08 am

    Lizka drunk texting don’t qualify for a response in my opinion. Reason being you want to be sure that a man feelings about you are solid when he is in charge of his faculties. Daria and others have the TRB book on texting and might be able to help with another perspective. However responding about feelings in the moment when he let’s you know he is thinking about you could encourage him to send more. Responding to every text could dumb down the attraction so I don’t respond to every



  440.  #440Jenny on June 9, 2012 at 11:27 am

    Yesterday I leaned forward a little with CDJim. I was talking with my mother about it some days ago.

    I was feeling a little out of balance since he hadnt contacted me. Lots of NV.

    She just said: “Just send him a neutral sms, course I think you made him a little insecury when you wrote “I feel a little disapointed””

    I protested, was like “I have the right to feel what I feel and say so, and dammit he is older and he have had at least 2 cohabiting relationship”

    And my mother, she can be very wise: “Yes he have experience of woman, dramaqueens, woman who lies, cheat on him (I have told her stuff, he have told me) – I can bet he have never meet a woman who is so strong and soft as you, who really stand her ground, have her feeling on the outside; very feminine nad powerfull at the same time. You know this is true, you have seen the effect you have on men – he is offcourse effected by it too; you just cant see it since you are so wrapt up in your own head, judging him becourse he aint doing as you wish. He aint use to a woman who is so in touch with her feelings and godness power”

    …and hmmm I know my mother was right, parts of me agree with her, other part was feeling to pride and “I want to be hunted down”

    So yesterday I sen CDJim an sms:

    “Hi. I feel happy and sunny when I see todays beautiful weather. I remember when we was sunbathing at Truve. I’m thinking of you and how it feels good in your closeness. I like how safe I feel in your arms. Would feel nice to meet. ๐Ÿ™‚ Hugs”

    Yeah I know, leaning forward, letting him know I’m thinking of him. I sent it in the thought of “I’m a diva and a godness I can give when it feels good for me” And also knowing, if no respond to that sms, then just let him be.

    It took 3 min and he text me back:

    “Hi, hope we can do it soon. I have alsmot work myself to death this last week and I do not feel there seam to be an end :/ But I keep my fingers crossed that I may soon ๐Ÿ™‚ Hugs”

    And it felt soo darn good..and it also made me remember an ex of mine; He couldnt see the point of just call to say Hi, he wanted to call when he knew he had time to plan a date with me. So if he was very busy, had a lot of work…and knew he was busy lots of days ahead – he simple wouldnt call, since he was…well; afraid I would be sad that he didnt have the time to meet, so he rater didnt call at all (this is way back) And I remember how much I tried to explain that I didnt care, i just wanted to hear his voice. But now I can see it in a little diffrent light, course if we talked I allways ended up by ask if we could meet; and he could allways hear how sad i become when he said no – so he rather just call me when he know he could say yes.

    Now I can see…I was a dramaqueen; I said “Ok, I’m alright, I understand you are busy”..but was feeling sad inside.

    Thanks universium for this leason – i can see my ex point of view soo much clearer.

    Anyway today I text CDJim back:

    “Hi I feel hopefull, can only imagine how good it would feel when we meet. I can think of how tough it must feel to work almost to death. I would feel very tired. I know you can do it ๐Ÿ™‚ Hugs”

    And the ball is in his yard – I feel proud. A little leaning forward. It feels good, all is now in his hands.



  441.  #441Sassy on June 9, 2012 at 11:32 am

    Ella, thank you for sharing. Keep coming here and talking, because this is a long tough road to face.



  442.  #442Femininewoman on June 9, 2012 at 11:44 am

    Ella I just read about the Crohn’s issue. It is normal for guys to want to protect their wOmen from having to deal with such big issues. I would suggest though to see if you are being in any way so he does not feel fully safe yet.



  443.  #443Starla on June 9, 2012 at 11:48 am

    I put on a cute outfit I’ve never worn before and did my makeup up. I’m going to walk to this clothing store I wanted to check out, the record store next to it, and then buy some things from the grocery store. I feel terrified and almost moved to tears to go do this. i don’t know why. But I’m gonna go.



  444.  #444Starla on June 9, 2012 at 11:54 am

    i look really well put together… not at all like someone who is so depressed she’s scared to go out in public.



  445.  #445Lizka on June 9, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    I was at the side walk sales for 2 mimutes and I received a call from a male friend inviting me for a birthday party to night…

    The surprising thin is, the birthday boy is my first love and I haven’t see him for like 5 years! That’s funny!!

    I said yes, not really for the first love, but more for not staying home tonight. I have an occasion to party and see friends I haven’t seen in a long time!!!



  446.  #446ReceivingGirl on June 9, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    (((Starla)))



  447.  #447Femininewoman on June 9, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    Lizka I hope you realize this kind of thing keep happening with you every time you really lean back and focus on your life.



  448.  #448Starla on June 9, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    Thank you for the hugs:)



  449.  #449Radlove on June 9, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    Ella,

    420 – I feel sad with you to hear about the crohn’s disease.

    I highly recommend Jordin Rubin, a naturopathic chiropractor, who had crohn’s disease himself. After trying oodles of remedies, he came up with the solution. He is now healthy and at a normal weight. He has many books, and he has what works for that.



  450.  #450Starla on June 9, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    I am feeling better, though I know that soon I will be back in a ‘low’ place, at which point I can evaluate what I ought to do for myself:)

    I walked to the clothing store I wanted to check out and got myself a denim mini skirt for $8! It will look great with those boots I keep talking about and breaking my promise about posting photos in them. Now I have something to wear with them.

    And I went to the record store and found some awesome foreign movies that I just adore but have been very hard to find!! I got 3 for 20 bucks. It was my lucky day:)

    And from there I got myself a boba slush tea because it was soooo hot. And off to the grocery store to grab some paper towels. And now I’m back home for a couple of hours until I meet my friend for that movie.

    Movies really trigger me, especially when my heart is hurting or I am missing someone, but I am going to let the triggers just pass through me and not fight them. Basically movies of all kinds trigger me — I’ve always been so sensitive to what’s on the tv or the movie screen.



  451.  #451Ella on June 9, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    FW

    Yes… good idea ๐Ÿ™‚

    Radlove.

    Yes I have been reading all about it and have found Jordin Rubin and am researching into Primal Defence probiotics, which is weird because I have noticed recently Rori mentions probiotics in a few of her posts and I felt curious and wanted to know about them for myself.

    Although I feel worried about the Crohn’s… and I really do, I also feel kind of pleased that it is prompting ME to pay more attention to my diet again, and foods for healing, and all forms of healing really.

    This is good research and information for me.

    I have just been to the shop and bought some lovely organice vegetables to make some lovely food…

    What feels challenging now, is how I can SHARE all this with MWC without overfunctioning, bossing or taking he masculine role.

    He is dsylexic and finds it harder to look up and read information, although of course he is capable if he wants to…

    Whereas for me its easy.

    I have already learnt a TON about self healing this disease.

    I was already really into self healing and am very aware of the limitations of traditional medicine and the influence of the drugs companies.

    I guess I am wondering how I can share this?? And still honour the masculine.

    Any ideas.

    MWC has not had much regard for his health in the past. I think that is changing but I think he is unaware of hoe important diet and lifestyle are on our health and ability to heal.

    This is BIG, BIGh stuff for me, that I feel really passionately about.



  452.  #452Starla on June 9, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    One of the movies I bought is my friend’s favorite foreign film (she showed it to me the first time we ever watched), so I called her up and we made plans to go to brunch tomorrow and then come back to my house to watch it. So I have something to look forward to for tomorrow, too.

    I take nice care of myself. I do. Sometimes it feels like I am carrying a sack of bricks around on my back while I do it, though.



  453.  #453ReceivingGirl on June 9, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    @451 Ella

    I was doing the same thing regarding bipolar and wondering the same thing. I don’t want to appear as being “mothering”.

    Prior to this, I noticed Mr. Observant was really interested in my healthy eating. He also would talk like he was a healthy eater as well, but I don’t think he exactly is. However, I think he thinks I’m really healthy, which isn’t exactly true and he wanted to impress me. So, he would tell me what he had to eat if it was healthy. It was kind of cute.

    I had told him about my blood results and my disease and he was asking a lot of questions. He wanted to understand what it was all about. I told him how I was thinking about checking into alternative medicine/homeopathic doctors and he was very interested. He told me I should do it.

    I feel if I start doing these things for myself, he may start looking into it too. I may even mention his stuff periodically when talking about mine, to kind of put the bug in his pants to look it up. For example, fish oil is really good for me and I read it also helps bipolar. So, while I’m researching for myself, if I come across something, I will mention what I read.

    This way it is me taking care of me and not mothering him, just forwarding on information.



  454.  #454Starla on June 9, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    Ella, that is such a good question. I would like to know how to offer encouragement and information without disrespecting the masculine, too. I have seen Rori write articles here about what to do if your man is depressed, and she explains that it is okay to encourage your man to do what he needs to do to take care of his issues. But we can’t be mothering him to make sure he follows through.

    I have a fb friend who used a cannabis-based oil to clear her then-fatal Crohn’s. She wrote a book about it and I’ve seen her speak at health expos. She’s on facebook, so if you’re interested (no pressure), I’ll put you two in touch.



  455.  #455Starla on June 9, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    In general, the only way I have ever been able to help my friends and lovers adopt healthier lifestyles in not by telling them about the changes they can make, but making the changes myself and letting them see the positive results. It takes months sometimes for them to notice, but it is awesome inspiration for them.

    This might be a limiting belief I have, though <3



  456.  #456Smile on June 9, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    Starla, Enjoy your movie tonight! I’m exited for you!
    My day is over now, I live in England so night here now.

    Starla I felt sad to read about your past experiences of relationships. I have been inspired by this saying
    “we cant go back and change the past but anyone can go forward and create a new beginning”

    Receiving girl, I think your right. Time by myself will help me to grow. I’ve called this year my year of growing. I’ve learnt so much. And I know there is more to learn too.



  457.  #457Smile on June 9, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    The saying is actually ” nobody can go back and start a new beginning but anyone can start today and make a new ending”
    That makes more sense.



  458.  #458Lizka on June 9, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    FW 447

    Yes, I do realise it. And it feels wonderful!



  459.  #459Smile on June 9, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    Receiving girl, I’ve been reading a lot of stuff too, to help me. I’m feeling really positive about everything, even though I am hurting spool much from the loss of my boyfriend telling me he couldnt be in a relationship right now. I have started with rori’s ebook which has taught me a lot! I want to buy the circular dating one but I’ll have to save. I’ve been left having to finance the house and live by myself which hasn’t left a lot for anything else.
    I will get there eventually and will keep reading.



  460.  #460Radlove on June 9, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    Ella,

    451 – Excellent! Good for you! My Mom and I jokingly call “Primal Defense” the “dirt pill”! One health food store worker said he is just setting himself up for lawsuits by selling that, since it is stuff from the dirt and could have bacteria. I never had any harmful effects when I was taking it tho.

    As for telling him, this is my personal view: when it is a matter of life and death, to he/ll with femininity. I would go for saving a life.



  461.  #461ReceivingGirl on June 9, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    It took me a while, but I replied to my girlfriend who apologized for being an a$$. I told her, yea I felt uncomfortable that night and then I just starting talking about something else. It was the best response I could give. I didn’t really feel like getting into how I don’t feel comfortable around her when she drinks like that. I’m just going to remove myself from situations like that with her. I can’t control her behavior, but I don’t have to be around for it.



  462.  #462Starla on June 9, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    I just drafted my letter to CF and I feel pretty good about it. I’m not sure if I’ll try calling again before I send it.

    I can totally feel how this is going to help me move on big time.

    I feel so glad I cut the bullsh*t and am just doing what is good for me. I wish I had done this from the beginning, but I needed to go through that period of extreme back and forth second-guessing of myself to learn about second-guessing myself and when it is and isn’t good for me.

    Also, I don’t recommend this to anyone. I think Rori’s advice on handling breakups, which generally doesn’t include chasing closure, is really great and very useful. That is why I struggled for a couple months with whether or not to do this.



  463.  #463ReceivingGirl on June 9, 2012 at 3:14 pm

    @459 Smile

    I can’t afford to purchase any of Rori’s programs either ๐Ÿ™



  464.  #464Smile on June 9, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    Receiving girl,

    There must be some great stuff in there which I’ll get to eventually. For now though just using feeling messages has helped. There has been hardly any ‘drama’ to my breakup. When He called yesterday about picking his stuff up he said wow I thought we were going to have an argument but we haven’t. Since then he has called again to see how I am. Mostly because I’ve been working on me, he’s keen to know what I’m doing and it feels great!



  465.  #465Tereana on June 9, 2012 at 3:45 pm

    Sia – “hair trigger” lol!

    Just remember that people who have wavy or curly hair wish that it was straight. And even though I don’t do this, many spend 100’s of dollars on fancy treatments to straighten it. The same way people with straight hair get perms. No kind of hair is “objectively” better. This is subjective. Your experience is not universal. Except for the part about wanting what you don’t have. That’s fairly normal…my point is that even though you think it’s horrible and you *wish* that part of you was different, there are many women who would just love to have what you have. And honestly, I’d say be grateful, because even though I’m sure my hair looks great, curly hair is a big pain.

    The real beauty is in loving and just having whatever you have.

    Also, that guy must have noticed it and liked it, if he mentioned it : ) maybe it didn’t sound like a compliment, but in a roundabout way, he seems to be indicating that he’s noticing you. How cute! : )



  466.  #466lilybelly on June 9, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    Awwwww Daria, So sorry I missed your birthday!

    Happy Belated Birthday and wishing you a year full of beautiful happenings.



  467.  #467Daria on June 9, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    Thanks Lilybelly… Just came to see this wish and I feel loved and lovely



  468.  #468Daria on June 9, 2012 at 4:45 pm

    Birthday party felt amazing thanks to Me ๐Ÿ™‚ and a wonderfully supportive CD

    And lovely gfs I haven’t seen in awhile



  469.  #469Femininewoman on June 9, 2012 at 5:29 pm

    Ella in Reconnect I remember Rori suggesting that she kinds of raises her hand to ask her husband if he feels open to listening to her boy(ese) thoughts about the business. In other words, the way I understand it, making suggestions in a femiminine way. If you are paying attention to your intuition you will intuit that your man is feeling off or mothered when doing this. “I want to share something I have learned but feel afraid of being overbearing or crossing your boundary of privacy” or something like that is what I would say. In a way that he would want to encourage you to share, so it could kinda feel like it is his idea.



  470.  #470Daria on June 9, 2012 at 5:46 pm

    I feel sad scared and angry

    ((((Daria))))
    Great job noticing

    Thanks babe



  471.  #471Femininewoman on June 9, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    Starla I rememnber reading on one of the Questions thread Rori advising a woman to talk to the man who had disappeared for 2 months. As I remembered they were engaged on the way to marriage and he just dropped off the planet. When she finally got through to him there was another woman and he was finding fault with her. But at least she was able to move on.

    The other thing that came to me after reading your comments are Rori’s words that talking builds intimacy. So I wonder if the is what CF is avoiding why he has not returned a call yet. Though truthfully you really don’t know what if anything has happened.



  472.  #472ReceivingGirl on June 9, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    Mr. Observant said, “I feel great!” I still don’t feel he is back to his normal self. He’s not communicating like he was. I don’t trust it. ๐Ÿ™

    I feel worried, sad and confused. I just want to see him and hug him. That is my selfishness talking so I can feel better about this situation.



  473.  #473ReceivingGirl on June 9, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    A robin came back to the nest. It’s strange.



  474.  #474Sassy on June 9, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    JT is definitely out of my life and almost completely out of my head! I have no idea, still, what happened, other than I believe he’s gotten involved with someone else.
    Whatever blows your skirt up, dude….his loss.
    On another note, I had a CD from last year start flirting with me out of the blue yesterday. I was quite surprised. He is younger, but than so is JT. Hmmmm. Anyway, again I’m not looking for anything serious or long term. I have to get this knife out of my heart and stop the bleeding.



  475.  #475Sassy on June 9, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    FW, about the talking…from what I understand, where we women have the oxytocin bond from physical encounters aka, “the love drug”; for men, the substance that bonds them is dopamine. And that is emitted from them talking!!! To us!!!
    A lot!!!
    I tend not to talk much, I’m much more a listener and an observer. So I definitely take notice how much talking males do around me/to me. When JT and I were at our closest, it was after we had spent quite a bit of time together not only having sex, but, when he would tell me things from his childhood, his family, his misspent youth and other things in his current life. He never said much about his feelings, but, as Bob Grant says, he told me what he thought about much of it. And I have found this to be true with my two male drs I work for. They talk to me all the time about their lives and we are very close.



  476.  #476arrowofthyme on June 9, 2012 at 6:26 pm

    Ladies, I’m currently in the bathroom at a tiki themed BBQ. I feel shy here and a guy just showed up who looked so much like my ex that I just felt a wave of curiosity and then sadness. I’m going to look at the threads on this towel and get present and go back.



  477.  #477Starla on June 9, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    sia/everyone — i have craaaazy curly/wavy/crimpy hair and i have spent thousands trying to tame it.

    for now, i am letting it go natural and crazy. I put on preppy/expensive looking clothes and let my hair go wild. I am learning to love it:)

    i’ve spent my whole life wishing I have perfect straight hair.



  478.  #478Starla on June 9, 2012 at 7:11 pm

    fw, you know, I think there is another woman in the picture, too. At least, for me, the only time I’ve avoided a recent ex completely, even when I probably should have shown him more respect than that, was when I got with a new guy very quickly.

    *shrugs*

    I don’t feel terribly triggered about this it seems. It’s a fact of life that this happens sometimes — our relationship was very broken and I, myself, was starting to soak up attention from other men and hope one of them would ‘save’ me from my current situation. I remember the owner of my gym stopped me on the street to invite me to work out there, and that was enough to send me over the edge, albeit temporarily.



  479.  #479Starla on June 9, 2012 at 7:33 pm

    the one thing about the letter that I don’t like is I mention I have his favorite t-shirt. it’s a rare shirt and I’m not going to throw it out. something about asking him what he wants me to do with it feels like it will be received as me trying to get something out of him, like a response, and this letter is not about getting a response. I think I am going to take that part out of the letter, and he can ask for the shirt when he wants it, since he is a big boy. I’ll keep it in the “CF box” for a while.

    I’m not going to send this letter until tomorrow, so I have time to decide if I want to include something about it.



  480.  #480Sunshine on June 9, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    VI thanks for yesterday post! love to hear reinforcement for the importance of feeling messages



  481.  #481Tereana on June 9, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    Mel – thank you for the hugs!

    I feel weird reading that it’s not a “requirement” for you, because, actually, the way you’ve stayed it – and the intention of it is that it’s a requirement. It’s a requirement, because it’s what you want. And therefore if a man wants to connect with you, then he gets to decide if he wants to do it your way or not. And if not, then he’s deciding he doesn’t want you; he wants another woman. But that’s okay, because he’s still giving you what you want: the opportunity to connect with a man in your own way.

    I admire this, and I admit I feel triggered, because I feel like I “can’t” do this. Like I’m not strong enough. This is my ideal of how strong I would be, to be able to say something like this and actually live up to it. And now I feel like the fact that I’ve never been able to do it makes me “not as good.” is one way really better than the other? I don’t really think that’s what you ate saying. Just that I personally feel conflicted, because BOTH things are true for me; I both do and do not require that a man be committed to me before I sleep with him.

    How is this even possible? Don’t ask me, I have no idea. It is just phenomenally confusing.

    Sometimes I require it, sometimes I don’t. I am open to myself being open to the moment instead of rigid in my ideas, because rigidity has gotten me nothing but misery and self-blame for failing to live up to my own expectations in the past. And honestly, it’s my own judgment of myself that I am in the process of letting go right now.

    Gosh, I’m always writing so much. I seriously was about to write you a short little post! Lol

    But thank you for using the word “requirement.” it’s got me thinking, and I actually like that term a lot better than “boundaries.” it does have to do with boundaries, but really what it comes down to is a requirement: you require that the man you are with respect your boundaries. And this inspires him to do that without *telling* him to do it.

    I think that’s pretty cool. And I like it, because it feels empowering, whereas simply calling it a “boundary” makes me automatically feel as if that boundary is going to be crossed, trampled, and/or ignored. And that’s just because of the way my family is/was. So I can always use whatever tools available to help get around that very unhelpful feeling.

    What I think I’m trying to say is, you just helped me without even meaning to. Thanks! ๐Ÿ™‚



  482.  #482Tereana on June 9, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    P.S. I believe men actually *want* to respect a woman’s boundaries. They may act like players, and push the edges of what we are comfortable with. But what they really want, in the end, is a woman who stands her ground. It can. E about sex. But it can also be about something else. It doesn’t have to be about sex. I think the more important components are the resolve and conviction. As we know, most women take sex more seriously than most guys. So you are right in one way, but that situation could be applied to anything where you’re confortable doing something you don’t want to do.

    He’ll admire you for saying no. But he’ll also admire you for saying YES when you really want to. Because saying no when you really want yes, is also a form of lying…

    Hm, food for thought for me… : )



  483.  #483Tereana on June 9, 2012 at 7:54 pm

    P.p.s. I’m a day late, but happy birthday to Daria!!

    There can be a lot of pressure on the “decade” birthdays to. E perfect or special, or fill-in-the-blank kind of way. I felt that. But it looks like you’ve been enjoying it just fine.

    (btw, I wasn’t much for 31, but 32 rocked!!! Just sayin’. You’ve got a lot to look forward to!… : )



  484.  #484ReceivingGirl on June 9, 2012 at 7:58 pm

    @479 Starla

    How do you feel about mailing the shirt to him?



  485.  #485Silver-Tongued Siren on June 9, 2012 at 8:50 pm

    Bio Father has recently been so ridiculous!! It’s also been impossible to get any communication for months…

    since christmas everytime we have a disagreement or he doesn’t like what’s going on and/or thinks he’s not being put first, he starts ignoring me.

    He seems to believe I just don’t care – about this, about that, – nothing I do seems to be right, and as much as I try to empathize, it doesn’t seem to work.
    my feeling messages often get turned around on me (making it about how HE feels), my empathetic questions trying to understand him get “well if you’d have been listening in the first place, you would know” or…etc.. or just aloof avoidance.. like he’s afraid of being judged (because his attitude is clearly wrong)… I believe he’s been seeing someone else (or multiple someone elses), and admitted it a couple months ago, but then said he “must have been joking”..etc…

    After a lot of extremely ridiculous (and overreactive behavior).. I have begun getting the idea that somethings going on, as he has decided he is no longer spending the night here (even though baby and I sleep with him when he does, usually – this time we didn’t – because he wouldn’t SPEAK to me and I thought he didn’t want me around?!)..anyway he got mad and said he’s not putting himself in this situation anymore.. (even though he doesn’t seem to want to be with me anyway?!)

    his new reasons for that are that MILW and I have history here, he doesn’t feel like it’s his space and he doesn’t want it to be, he feels like he’s “visiting someone else’s family” even though I’ve been open to moving in together IF we were committed to it.

    All those reasons came after a lot of ridiculous nonsensical behaviour that I didn’t understand though.

    he has stopped bringing diapers everytime he comes, or every OTHER time, since I had been letting MILW buy some. He stopped filling my gas tank up several weeks ago, (even though he OFFERED and DID pay for the inspection sticker 5 wks ago), didn’t pay the registration for the car like he said he would (again, on his own)…. all this after what I thought was a great two weeks together visiting..aside from his aloofness at the time for a week (didn’t touch me for a WEEK while I was in his town – not even a hug) (we had sex three times after that though, after I shared a fm about it) and that weekend after his full time 8-6 job, left me on the weekend to go “run errands in the city” ..all day. …

    (this all occurred a week after the situation where we had a fight and came home because he threatened to throw my phone out the window because he thought i was texting while driving and I didn’t like the way I was being talked to or feeling uncared about. At that point he had threatened to start coming down ONLY to see the baby. And then ignored me again. )

    He was more friendly and open the following week (I was there for two weeks). I came down considering moving there as we’ve discussed before. Until he can move here. NOW, after a week he wanted to know “how long I was staying” cause he thought it was only for a week..and he didn’t want me to stay because it’s just TOO SMALL. (he had to let go of a nice 2 br place bc of a bad landlord. Now it’s a tiny one br filled with his stuff.. AND he “needs another room where he can be alone when he wants to” – understandable but he could easily upgrade to a 2br.)

    During this trip we also covered the topic of brothers and sisters for baby (which before he has mentioned) and now he rudely told me in a way I won’t repeat here that I could have sex with whomever I wanted- for baby to have brothers and sisters. .. I don’t really want to have kids with multiple people, it’s too difficult – for everyone, including the kids.

    But still I thought the trip was okay. But we got here and that night we had sex again, but the next day he immediately began with the ridiculousness again.
    getting mad at me for things that didn’t make sense, over reacting, ignoring, leaving me to do other things. no matter how I tried to resolve or understand, it only made it worse and he only kept ignoring me.

    Next time he was here I leaned fwd and asked him questions about our rlsp and living together etc. He ignored EVERYthing. wouldn’t discuss. And wouldn’t discuss child support either.

    We went to sign papers to put his name on the birth certificate, and while there he tried to change baby’s name to something other than what we discussed. I refused to turn it in unless we agreed. I don’t want anyone forcing anyone to do anything – breeding resentment. I want us to act with love and empathy and in agreement.. coming up with alternatives when needed, etc. He got mad though, threatened to take me to court if I didn’t sign it, took the paper thinking he could turn it in without me probably but he couldn’t.. I’ve already signed an acknowledgement of paternity with him..this was only to put his name on the birth certificate. Anyway he was mad again…the baby’s name is MILW’s last name since we thought it was our baby (even though we ALL knew there was a possibility of it being BF’s). He wanted to change it to MY last name-HIS last name – hyphenated, but take MILW’s name off entirely (even though that was his original name AND BF hasn’t been helping financially AT ALL, nor is he taking care of either of us, taking responsibility for either of us… …and for a second there he seemed to be stepping up -offering for me to move in, paying for things like gas and inspection stickers. but… I don’t know what happened. and he won’t tell me!)

    so instead of discussing and figuring it out, he chose to not discuss, threaten me, and then leave without saying anything while I’m putting baby down for a nap, and continue to ignore me again for a couple of weeks. He also again avoided talking about money. – which he said we would only talk about after his name is on the birth certificate.

    (his excuse for pressing me is that if anything happens to me our child would go to a foster home and he would have to go through court to get him – which is NOT the case here from what I know, esp since we signed an acknowledgement of paternity).

    I needed diapers this week so I wrote him asking for money for that and if he would like to help with the car payment that would be appreciated also. I also said a lot of other things expressing gratitude which he entirely turned around into negative things. I also talked about rlsp again – as far as what I wanted for baby and us.(grr.)

    I haven’t ever asked him for anything. 7 months ago he offered and still hasn’t done anything about it.

    he has now written me an email that says “let me just make it clear that we do not have a physical relationship and any other kind of relationship is tenuous right now. He said he “will BRING diapers and no he will not send money especially for a car payment. MY car payment will never be HIS responsibility, and he doesn’t see why I would think it should be. ”

    (I said I “believe he understands perfectly and fully why I would ask for help with living expenses”)

    – even though it’s not really HELP it’s his responsibility. I can’t maintain things while caring for baby full time if I have no money to pay someone to *watch* baby regularly. Or just pay the bills. whichever.

    Anyway too much to explain- let me skip to the question:

    His email was angry, said “no money”, (“because it obviouslywasn’t important to me to establish his legal rights”) – even though I DID an acknowledgement of paternity and was in the midst of signing to put his name on the birth certificate when we disagreed about what we were changing baby’s name to. – And I did my best to discuss/resolve but he refused.

    Now, he’s blocking me on facebook.

    I believe he had partially blocked me from some things on fb before – months ago- first everyone (or more people than me anyway) from seeing his photos and friends. Two weeks ago, he blocked me from seeing his posts (other than past) – because nothing was being posted, and one thing I saw in the sidebar was not on his page. Yesterday or today, he has blocked me from seeing ANYthing on his page -no photos, info, nothing – other than one recent post which he made about our baby’s birthday (which I had “liked” before he blocked me from the rest of his page).

    Why didn’t he just block me entirely, or unfriend me? May as well have. Oh – I guess so he can see my page.

    He is here this wknd visiting. I have been VERY nice and light and happy. I think I leaned fwd when I complimented him but he didn’t return it, everything else was good on my part because our interactions were very limited.

    I asked before he arrived if I could get a couple hrs mommy time yesterday evening (MILW wanted to take me to dinner but I didn’t tell BF that). He said yes but I ended up dealing with an emergency with my grandmother the entire evening instead, the second he walked in the door.

    It seemed he was quite nice when I returned though, but still standoffish, (maybe my lighthearted non-concern threw him off after my very long response to his rejection email earlier this wk). I asked if he and baby had fun, he shook his head no, “we just went to the park and the store”. He left to stay at a friends house overnight.

    Before he came down he had decided to NOT ASK but TELL me he was coming to visit the baby this weekend. I let him know Saturday was not good, but friday and sunday were.

    Last night before leaving he inquired about whether I’d be gone all day saturday. I said no, I would be here 8-12 and then I would be back in the afternoon sometime, but just didn’t know when – that I could call and let him know if he wanted me to, (I think he said okay)..

    He didn’t show up or call in the morning at all.
    Today around 3/4pm before I returned home, MILW texted BF to ask if he wanted baby time today and told him he and I never got to go to dinner yesterday (I hadn’t told him where I was going – just that I needed mommy time) – and asked BF if he would watch the baby so we could go tonight. After no response MILW also called and left a voicemail. (I warned him this would probably make things worse but he’s a bit angry about the whole name changing deal and BF ignoring him all the time too.) BF of course ignored all of that (as he ignores any actual communication with MILW about anything important or regarding baby).

    I texted BF and he said he “already made plans and thought I’d be gone all day” – I rolled with – just saying “that’s ok”, but added that I had “told him last night I would be back in the afternoon and would let him know – so I was doing that.”

    I don’t think it’s fair, it’s HIS turn, and besides I feel like he’s just trying to punish me for not doing what he wants (even though I WAS filling out that paper, until he refused to communicate about it and left and ignored me!)….. and he will not make me happy if it means I’m going out with some guy particularly MILW the man who has acted as father the entire time so far and paid for everything including STILL paying for our rent and bills without any help from BF. I feel like he’s just punishing/trying to control things.

    I’m not going to force him to do anything, and he probably did make plans (but I do things WITH baby all the time.).. but I’m not his mother.
    or MILW’s.

    How do I respond too all this “I don’t want to be with you”, blocking from fb, etc when he has been acting jealous and angry about other things but yet won’t step up to the plate?

    I wish I could explain everything so I could give a clear picture. I am really baffled. A man who won’t step up entirely, is wishy washy about the moving in thing, has begun ignoring me instead of being open/honest/vulnerable and *communicating*….. so frustrated. I love baby. My rlsp with BF is extremely important for baby, but he seems to make no attempt at his previously claimed “open, honest, vulnerable” self or be willing to offer any commitment or “just do this” and does not seem to offer any empathy, even in response to my empathetic attempts at understanding his behavior.

    It’s all “my way my way” … and anything I say at allll seems to just make it worse. He seems to be very upset/angry or very disinterested…and be assuming very negative things instead of assuming that I CARE and that we’re on the same TEAM.

    I have also often recently felt he was just making excuses for things that were intended to sound as though he has feelings for me, but he really didn’t mean them, just didn’t want to be judged as being a..****.

    I am confused about how to deal with this stubborn aloofness and open him up again!

    What do I do with this man!?

    If it weren’t for the baby I would just let it go and not worry about it,… even though I DO love him, but because of baby it’s really important to me that we DO have a close and loving rlsp, and maybe even necessary that we are together, to give baby a secure family, ONE home, with both parents there every night, to give him a good example of love and a healthy relationship and parents who love each other.

    GRR.

    Thanks for letting me vent, everyone!!! Sorry for taking up so much space!



  486.  #486Vi on June 9, 2012 at 8:59 pm

    Sunshine, thank you for your reply, it feels so good :))
    My major challenges with FMs are 1) sometimes I confuse feeling hurt with being hurt intentionally. It happens when I make him responsible for me and forget that I am in charge of me and forget my boundaries and that I REALLY CAN take care of myself in most cases. Maybe you would relate to this…
    2) Gosh how scary it feels to express good feelings!! :)))) Yes for me it is more challenging than expressing “bad”-feeling ones. It is so uncomfortable to say to him “Thank you I feel so special or I feel like a princess or go just Awwww” when for example he opens a door of a car for me….
    I noticed how focused I am on noticing bad-feeling things and how guilty and ashamed I feel usually to admit and express that I am feeling delighted .. that is my tribal issue which I am accepting and forgiving and sending love to and choose to focus on better-feeling feelings/things/thoughts….:)))
    It would feel so good to know how you feel dealing with good-feelings messages.. Do you feel scary as I am or ..? :)))) By the way I love your nickname! Wish you much love!!



  487.  #487Silver-Tongued Siren on June 9, 2012 at 9:03 pm

    It usually seems (with any man) if I can just relax, not play into their stuff, be lighthearted and believe my own story… they fall under my spell.

    I just don’t quite know how to combine this when it’s hard to assume the best- when BF is ignoring me, saying all these things to me..

    Just go out and do whatever and know he’ll be back? Act happy and lighthearted and just mirror his behavior?

    (why do I feel lost on this right now?) .. this fb blocking thing and all of his over reactions and non communication all has me baffled.



  488.  #488Silver-Tongued Siren on June 9, 2012 at 9:04 pm

    Daria I love your self-affirming posts. It’s not easy for me so I try to remember to praise myself for things like noticing my feelings also.



  489.  #489Silver-Tongued Siren on June 9, 2012 at 9:12 pm

    “”โ€œAt this point it has nothing to do with technique. It has everything to do with harnessing desire.โ€ โ€ฆSandra Beswick””

    I love that.

    I also like this new blog post. I haven’t quite finished reading it but love it so far.. I used that breathe technique before during attempting to meditate.. A few times I lost track and stopped breathing, but don’t know for how long… I have no idea how long I was doing the technique for either (breathe in for 10, hold for 10, breathe out)..it may not have been for long, because I didn’t feel like I was struggling for breathe at all. interesting feeling though.



  490.  #490Starla on June 9, 2012 at 9:14 pm

    RG, I don’t particularly feel thrilled about getting off of work early to get to the post office before closing and spending my cash to mail him a shirt. There are other options that don’t involve us seeing each other, like having his sister come get it, if he really needs to avoid me so bad, lol.



  491.  #491Starla on June 9, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    FW, I tried to find the post you mentioned in #471. I searched through all the question threads for a couple of hours to no avail. ah well:) thanks for mentioning it to me anyway:)



  492.  #492Starla on June 9, 2012 at 9:21 pm

    urgh i feel so annoyed. I seem to have some sort of UTI. I have the constant false urge to pee, but no other discomfort. I feel scared to go to bed because I feel like I might accidentally end up peeing in my sleep if I have to drift off ignoring the false urges to pee!!!!

    I haven’t had a UTI in years. I feel sooooo annoyed, grrr.



  493.  #493Sunshine on June 9, 2012 at 9:36 pm

    VI, great insight..im copy pasting what you wrote and emailing into my drafts…so for me its definitely the opposite. when I share good feeling messages in my dates I automatically smile. My favorite one to say and is so true, authentic and in touch with me is “I feel relaxed.” I assume that because of past relationships that were so anxiety inducing, “I feel relaxed” is just amazing to me and the best complement a man can get even if hes unaware of why. I notice that the reaction is always good and a response like “great, me too” etc. is the usual. Anyway positive feelings are easiest and negative ones are the upmost scariest. I tend to imagine that I will not be heard and that really feels hurtful Im so afraid of this I feel scared of stating it…I think maybe my childhood? parents responsive when the atmosphere was light and happy but when I was upset, they would ignore. I think its mostly because they just dont know how to deal with tough emotions themselves and try to avoid, etc. Qarreling with sister also influences…Anyway the thought of not being heard in my worst feelings feels heavy and dark to me…good ones are easy and I feel good saying them…
    Im definitely working on it, one idea is to stop and wonder to yourself what is stopping me from expressing my good feelings? what am I afraid of? this will help recognize the issue too…
    right now I feel a little embarrassed feel like I just said alot of TMI but feel willing to express and also share gratitude for your response by elaborating



  494.  #494Brandylion on June 9, 2012 at 9:40 pm

    Radlove,

    NFP is an updated version of the rhythm method. You use both basal body temperature and cervical observations (mucus and palpation of the cervix itself) to gauge fertility. If I couldn’t convince him it’s not actually a practical means of planning a family when I was dating him, I’m certainly not going to be able to convince him now that I’m his ex-girlfriend and his new girlfriend drinks the same Kool-Aid he does.

    My best friend had another good observation today. She said part of what’s hurting me so much is just how far apart this new girl is from me and how extreme she is in her beliefs too. She likened it to watching someone who was mostly sober from abusing a substance relapse.

    I feel weird and sad being back here in AZ without him and without him in my life (at least in his former capacity). Our housing for this summer is around the corner from where we were last summer, and we went on dates to nearly all of the restaurants within walking distance. This place has such a strong association with him for me, and I hope it feels better once classes start on Monday and I have stuff to distract me.

    I am aching right now to be held tenderly. I just feel sad and alone. :'(



  495.  #495Sunshine on June 9, 2012 at 9:49 pm

    VI its so interesting how we are hesitant about the opposite feelings, wish I could have that strength to express bad ones. thought that comes through my mind when I think about saying “bad” feelings…what if he doesnt like me anymore? what if he thinks im too much to handel? what if he thinks i just killed it and am not attractive anymore? what if he thinks im dramatic, insecure, socially ackward, a “diva,” ewww im totally gonna record scratch this moment and make it really awckward (haha laughing right now), this will feel sooo weird and ackward, Im gonna spoil our dinner, this will be the last time he will see me Im sure of it, great now he wont respond I must sound like a freaking drama queen and totally crazy, im crazy…dont do it dont say it…
    Yuck yuck yuck wish these negative thoughts would go away so I can say my bad feelings!!!



  496.  #496Starla on June 9, 2012 at 10:17 pm

    (((((((Brandylion)))))))))))))

    I forced myself last night to go to the bar where CF and I ended up at the end of our first date. I even sat at the same table. It’s MY neighborhood bar, d*mnit.



  497.  #497pin on June 9, 2012 at 10:18 pm

    If one woman is in love with another woman . Everything was fine when they were working together. But one friend had to move away because of work, and now does not want to speak to anther thinking that calling frequently causes adductiin. How should the other friend win back the heart? What she should say to her?



  498.  #498Vi on June 9, 2012 at 10:35 pm

    Sunshine, you just wrote what I was about to write how interesting it is to feel hesitant about the opposite feelings and I wished to be where you are with expressing good-feeling feelings ..:))) I won’t miss a chance to practice good-feeling messaging and express to you how happy I feel to share and get feedback and I feel all smiley and connected and I just want to say I hear you and I feel honored that you shared your feellings and experience and thoughts..:)))
    It felt inspiring to read your processings. I feel my good-feeling messages stuck in my throat cuz I feel scared .. what else? I feel awfully guilty!! that’s it. my mom always looked so stiff and unhuppy….I feel tight in my shoulders remembeing it…and I feel guilty to feel better and even want and TRY to feel better than she…oh dear.. I’ve never thought I will do that but (((((((((((((((((((mom))))))))))))))))) I feel sad and sorry she felt not very happy..and I forgive myself for wishing me smth better than she had…love to all my feelings….
    Sunshine, your sunshine shed the light to a huge part of me…:))))) Thank you!!



  499.  #499Lizka on June 9, 2012 at 10:47 pm

    Booh the party I went to was boring.

    My friend,the one who invited me (not the first love birthday boy) was acting weird and it felt awkward.

    The thing is he has a crush on me (we’ve dated a few times in the last 9 years and it always ended up the same way, me being so not into him). So he’s all about me, trying to kiss me and to touch me but at the same time, he has some very bad dating skills. Anyway, I don’t feel good around him, he made me feel like I’m not at my place.

    The first love I haven’t seen for 5 years seem happy and surprised to see me, but he has a girlfriend (of course! everyone is taken around me lately) and we didn’t talk a lot.

    So I left early the party, happy to come back to my bed as I am feeling super tired and still hangover a bit.

    But I’m feeling weird after this night with the friend with the bad dating skills. Feeling kind of down. Oh and you know what? On my way back, I was thinking of what I would do tomorrow. Hehe, completely forgot that ATW “promised” that we would spend time together. I loved the feeling. I have my emergency case plan, so if he doesn’t call or if his plan is not like a date plan, I have my own plan and I’ll tell him in FM. I will have to prepare one. A good one. Like the best one in the world. But if he plans on just being with me, no friends around, and no freezbe involved, I’ll be happy to join him. If not, I’ll just go to the pool and work on my tan. I can’t wait. ๐Ÿ™‚



  500.  #500Starla on June 9, 2012 at 10:54 pm

    I just found CF’s POF profile and I am physically shaking. I don’t know why I’m shaking… it just feels so strange to see him wanting to be with anyone but me.



  501.  #501Starla on June 9, 2012 at 10:55 pm

    and it feels weird to see him describing himself in certain ways that i just absolutely disagree with:P.



  502.  #502Lizka on June 9, 2012 at 10:55 pm

    On another hand, the manager that was flirting with me at work and to whom I sent an embarassing email last night answered to my email in a very nice and flirty way this afternoon.

    I replied something and ended the message with “Have a good weekend, see you Monday”.

    But then, instead of ending the conversation, he asked me what my plan were (I mentioned the party) and kept writing to me. Wow I felt so surprised!! And at some point he even asked my phone number so he could text me instead of emailing me from his work email…

    I’m feeling pretty perplexed because he kind of said he was “married” (or at least in a relationship), but he definitely seems to be flirting with me…

    If he said he was married, it must be true… I guess? Why would he said so otherwise?

    But than, why is he flirting with me non stop since Friday morning? I don’t get it.

    Anyway, I feel strong and I don’t feel I am going to fall for him because I am aware of his situation. But for now, it’s a good occasion to practice FMs and being a siren and it’s also a good distraction and helps me take off my focus from ATW. So it’s positive.

    We’ll see if there’s something hiding under this “hmmm yeah… I’m married”. I feel curious, but I’m definitely not gonna ask.



  503.  #503Lizka on June 9, 2012 at 10:57 pm

    Oh Starla I feel so sorry. ๐Ÿ™

    (((((((( Starla )))))))))



  504.  #504Lizka on June 9, 2012 at 11:00 pm

    Anyway I’m off to bed cause it’s 2 am and I want to wake up tomorrow to go to the pool and also to the market and do my grocery.

    Cheers sirens, have a good night. xo



  505.  #505Starla on June 9, 2012 at 11:01 pm

    my heart is racing, my stomach feels gurgly and like the water I just drank is trying to creep back up my esophagus. my hands feel trembly and I feel nervous like I’m about to speak in public. my face feels calm and cold. My chest feels like it’s been filled with cement.



  506.  #506Starla on June 9, 2012 at 11:07 pm

    it’s okay, Lizka. It makes me want to be with him even less, because I witnessed some serious issues in him that he is in total denial about in the way he describes himself here. I have fantasies of him realizing how he needs to do something to help himself through some of the major issues he had, and us both healing and coming together again, and this obviously isn’t happening:P

    sigh

    ((((((((((((starla)))))))))))))))
    dear stara, you are worthy and desirable and it’s allll okay.

    ohhh my nervous, nervous tummy. hello, trigger.



  507.  #507arrowofthyme on June 9, 2012 at 11:10 pm

    starla: Look. Away.
    it seems like this is unnecessary self-inflicted punishment. I know because I do it. Every time I do this with my ex’s profile, I regret it. I saw it this morning and he added a line from a Bob Dylan song and I sobbed after reading it. I listened to Adele for an hour. Did this energy meditation for a new lover that was perfect for me. And then I remembered that it’s easy to quote a song. It’s harder to actually be emotionally capable in a relationship. I felt calmer. I’m unzippering my heart every time I have the urge to see it. I want to be nicer to myself. ๐Ÿ™‚



  508.  #508Radiant Rising on June 9, 2012 at 11:17 pm

    Aww Starla,

    (((HUGS))). I can relate to what you’re going through more than you know. And I feel proud of you for wanting to be with him even less. *Hmph* to him.



  509.  #509Starla on June 9, 2012 at 11:24 pm

    i did look away. It’s gonna be funny when I get my POF profile up and he finds me on there. And I am going to do this rockstar thing, and really ride these triggers out and not worry so much about it.

    I’m sending this email right now. good riddance, time to move on.



  510.  #510Tereana on June 9, 2012 at 11:29 pm

    ReceivingGirl #434 – Ugh. What a yucky feeling…



  511.  #511Starla on June 9, 2012 at 11:37 pm

    k, i sent it.

    my tummy is calming down:)



  512.  #512Starla on June 9, 2012 at 11:39 pm

    “And then I remembered that itโ€™s easy to quote a song. Itโ€™s harder to actually be emotionally capable in a relationship.”

    So true. Could replace the first sentence with a lot of things!!



  513.  #513Starla on June 9, 2012 at 11:42 pm

    I feel a competitive urge to get a profile up on POF just to “show him”. Blah. Going to avoid this. Even though it would be effective.

    I do want to get a profile up, but not for that reason!!

    I need to distance my (somewhat irrational) compulsion to get him back from the actions I take to move on.



  514.  #514Tereana on June 9, 2012 at 11:56 pm

    @ Starla – about the T-shirt: KEEP IT!!!!!

    I don’t mean keep it and wear it and pretend it’s yours. I just mean, whatever you do, do not – I repeat, DO NOT voluntarily mail it back to him. You will feel soooo bad if you do that. Trust me. Sounds like a good idea right now. But I think you are spot on with keeping in the CF box.

    Special/rare or not, if he wanted it back, he’d be bugging YOU to get it. He may never be back for it, and in that case, you can burn everything in the box, if you feel inclined to “clear it out” of your space. You can sell it on Ebay, if you want. If he left it with you, and hasn’t asked for it back, and hasn’t contacted you, then he doesn’t have much standing.

    I also feel particularly passionate about this subject, because I know what it’s like to feel “obligated” to give stuff back to a guy and/or get your own stuff back.

    After I broke up with my fiancรฉ, I at one point decided that I wanted all my stuff back from him, and I wanted to give him his. So we made up a date for him to come to my place (he had to drive two hours from where he was at school) and do the exchange. Well, that was one of the most depressing days of my life. I really wanted to see him, hoping that it would be like before, or at least be pleasant, but it wasn’t. He didn’t even want to sit down in my house. He drove the two hours there and the two hours back. He had no intention of staying a minute longer than he had to, and it was horrible. Perfunctory. Ugh.

    Also, at a later date – I can’t remember how I did it – I gave the ring back. And that was the worst. Yes, I know it is traditional for the woman to return the ring. But in my case, he had had the band made especially for me by an artist friend. It was beautiful, gorgeous. Perfect for me. And when I ended it, he told me I could keep it. The only thing I wasn’t supposed to keep was the stone – that belonged to his mother.

    Well, I sent the ring back and requested that they replace the stone with something else and send me my band. Did they sent it to me? He** no. I trusted them way more than I should have. I would have been better off waiting until I could afford to replace it myself, or just had the stone removed and sent that back. I had every right to keep that ring, and it rightfully belongs to me. Every now and then, I get the notion to call his mom and ask for it, but I haven’t yet. I also don’t know if I would feel better or worse to have it now. It’s just a ring. It’s just a piece of metal. But at the time, I felt much better keeping it than I did giving it back. That felt…Uck. Like “leaning forward” in the extreme. It was way off balance. Keeping it felt grounded and like I was totally in my own domain. I only sent it back because I convinced myself to follow “social convention” – even though in my heart I could feel that that didn’t apply to me, and I knew what would have been better.

    So…I don’t know if that means anything to you. But your comment triggered me.

    I do believe that, if you are asking him if he wants it, then part of you is using his object as a proxy, or as an excuse to cause him to have a reason to see you. But – and I say this in the most loving way possible, and because I care about your well-being – it’s not going to turn out the way you hope. If you hear anything at all, I can’t imagine that it would be anything you like.

    Right now, at least you have his special shirt, which conjures nice memories for you. You can’t have him, but you have his shirt. And if you hold on to it, who knows…maybe one day he will be back to get it. And if he does it on his own, then he’ll feel good about it – and good about you. And you’ll have a chance to practice more tools. So don’t prevent that from happening by “making” something happen….it’s less feminine that way, right?

    Hope you don’t feel like I’m being pushy. Just strongly opinionated, based on experience : )

    xoxo



  515.  #515Tereana on June 10, 2012 at 12:00 am

    {{{{Starla}}}}



  516.  #516Starla on June 10, 2012 at 12:03 am

    Tereana, you do not sound pushy at all. I completely agree with you! And I enjoyed reading your stories about your ex fiance. That sucks about the ring. I hope you’ll buy yourself a new ring if you haven’t already:)

    I did not say anything about the shirt.



  517.  #517Tereana on June 10, 2012 at 12:08 am

    I think Pink has a song about “so what, I’m a rock star…I don’t need you…I’m alright” etc. And it’s cool when she sings it, because she actually is a rockstar. Which somehow makes it more genuine for everyone, I say ; )



  518.  #518Tereana on June 10, 2012 at 12:11 am

    Thank you, Starla! I have plenty of rings. That one is special and unique and completely irreplaceable. It has a history and a story, and TBH, I’m not even sure I want it with a different stone in it…I just wish I hadn’t been so quick to send it back. (Again, it was probably just another made-up excuse to have an interaction with him and/or his family…)

    I made a painting of it before I sent it. And I have pictures. That’s enough for me.

    Glad you did what made you feel good! : )



  519.  #519Starla on June 10, 2012 at 12:12 am

    GAWD I feel SO MUCH BETTER. No more feeling torn up because of the things I wish I could say, no more trying to reach him so I can say these things. No more thinking I “missed out” on the love of my life, because he is clearly in no shape to be that for me, at least right now. No more wondering if he’ll finally contact me any day now.

    I am going to go to bed tonight with my palms open to the universe, unzippering my heart and feeling so peaceful and full of gratitude for my beautiful life and how much I have learned and grown as a result of this experience.

    Not ready for bed just yet though:)