Getting Dealt the “I Need Space” Card – What to Do

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broken-heart-wingsThis comment, from “All I Need” is so classic, so what my Tools are all about fixing – FAST :

“Rori, I got the “need space” card. Only it was my fiance of almost two years .. he is 21 and I’m 25. He and I moved into an apt together shortly after our engagement. We are waiting a few years until we wed, to make sure we happy and are we’re where we want to be as a couple (finances/career)…. we’ve toughed through a good share of problems but I got the “I need space and time to think about what I want (aka: the relationship)” card just about a month ago…

I felt him starting to get distant after his mother had moved in with us only three months into our new place…(another story) I am also the breadwinner between the two of us- he does what he can to his ability but I know its hard for all of us given the circumstances. A slow onset of what I considered an emotional affair crept up on us with him and a co-worker over the course of a couple of months- I did call him on it and he said he ended it knowing how sucky both him and I felt knowing our relationship was going down the tube.

He says he feels like he cant talk to me without me overreacting or making him feel bad.. like he can never “win” with me..all the stress, me overfunctioning..paranoid whenever he texts… is seeming to make our relationship more of a “business deal” as he calls it, then a “IN LOVE” relationship which he expresses he wants with me again, that spark that he misses…. but him acting moody (loving and wanting to work things out one minute and depressed and “unsure” the next) has left me confused and torn.

He thinks I have a lot of insecurities and am very dramatic .. and hard to communicate with-and that has pushed him away more and more.. Advise????? Greatly appreciated and needed…

Here’s my answer:

Welcome, All You Need – and your story and situation is so classic and EXACTLY what my Tools are able to fix quite quickly…I know you’ll get the help you need here. Here are some ideas:

1. Focus on you – on what you CAN change, what you CAN control, what you CAN manage – which is all YOU (nothing of him fits in there).

Start here: He thinks I have a lot of insecurities and am very dramatic .. and hard to communicate with-and that has pushed him away more and more. He says he feels like he cant talk to me without me overreacting or making him feel bad.. like he can never “win” with me..all the stress, me overfunctioning…paranoid whenever he texts.

Is this true? First stop – get my Have The Relationship You Want ebook and write in it and practice the Tools 24/7 – ESPECIALLY the “4 Rules” – that will take care of the “drama” part, and the “Listening at Level 2” – that will take care of being “present” – and then jump into the Feeling Messages – which will get you connected back to him in an easy way. Make sure you do the chapter on Overfunctioning – STOPPING what you’re doing that’s pushing him away, stopping Leaning Forward, works very, very fast to change the dynamic between you.

2. Next – you’re both very, very young.

I honestly don’t know how anyone as young as you two can do this forever without going through some serious learning…you are the only woman he’s ever been involved with, really, seriously, if I were him I’d have all kinds of mixed emotions. But it sounds like he loves you…

3. The thing with the mother would kill ANY relationship or marriage – sounds like you’re both champs and got through that pretty damn well. And the money thing is hard for ANY couple – no matter how old or how long married.

So, perhaps, against all odds, you DO have what it takes to make it, over time.

4. Right now – what you need to do is TAKE SPACE FOR YOU. That’s it. Agree with him.

Say – he’s so right, you’re both so young, you were thinking about seeing other men, you need to clear your head and

I can promise you ..within a day of your sticking to the 4 Rules and using Feeling Messages and Leaning Back and getting out of the house to do your own thing and Date Yourself – everything will change.

5. Just know – the moment he shows up again emotionally, which he will – you cannot go back to the old ways — you have to move forward in maturing, in consciousness, in practicing the Tools and continually clearing up emotional issues – especially anger – that show up in every relationship.

Love, Rori

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82 Comments

  1.  #1Lola on January 10, 2010 at 4:07 pm

    I really enjoyed Reading this post- so clear and reassuring.

    Rori, or any of you with experience here, where can I find tools for dealing with anger?
    X



  2.  #2tinque on January 10, 2010 at 4:38 pm

    Lola – Well, anger needs to be felt. As much as it’s a cover for fear, it still needs to be felt, sunk deep into so that it can be released. This doesn’t mean you need to lash out. If the urge to do so is there, pillows work well, preferably not feather ones in case they burst though the clean up might be, well…cleansing.
    When I feel angry, I ask myself right away what it is. Is it really something that’s going on around me, or is it all me? Has something been triggered within me that has really nothing or little to do with what’s at hand?
    Usually this is the case. If not, then I ask myself if maybe this person who seems to have made me angry maybe is reacting from his/her own trigger, and I really need to exercise compassion.
    If it’s a man, stepping, back, leaning back, giving space is a good option.
    If the anger really is “justified”, then feeling messages are in order. “I feel angry.” A discussion can the ensue.
    If the anger is not commensurate with the issue at hand, as in a deeper trigger being tapped into, grounding helps, breathing deeply, creating a beautiful “fantasy” to paste over the pain are also good though only after you have sunk deeply into your pain (anger).
    It takes practice.



  3.  #3tinque on January 10, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    Lola – Well, anger needs to be felt. As much as it’s a cover for fear, it still needs to be felt, sunk deep into so that it can be released. This doesn’t mean you need to lash out. If the urge to do so is there, pillows work well, preferably not feather ones in case they burst though the clean up might be, well…cleansing.
    When I feel angry, I ask myself right away what it is. Is it really something that’s going on around me, or is it all me? Has something been triggered within me that has really nothing or little to do with what’s at hand?
    Usually this is the case. If not, then I ask myself if maybe this person who seems to have made me angry maybe is reacting from his/her own trigger, and I really need to exercise compassion.
    If it’s a man, stepping, back, leaning back, giving space is a good option.
    If the anger really is “justified”, then feeling messages are in order. “I feel angry.” A discussion can the ensue.
    If the anger is not commensurate with the issue at hand, as in a deeper trigger being tapped into, grounding helps, breathing deeply, creating a beautiful “fantasy” to paste over the pain are also good though only after you have sunk deeply into your pain (anger).
    The gremlin voices that love to spin in your mind in these times have to be shushed. Yell back at them if you must.
    It takes practice.
    For me the sinking deeply as a release works best as I lay in bed before going to sleep. Whatever pain and tension I feel whether it’s in my heart or manifested in my body or both, I feel it as much as I can in as a relaxed state as I can achieve in those moments.
    I usually fall asleep and by morning, if nothing else I feel at least better.



  4.  #4tinque on January 10, 2010 at 4:44 pm

    sorry for the incomplete double post. my computer is having is having a mind of its own…



  5.  #5tinque on January 10, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    so are my fingers apparently…



  6.  #6alias girl on January 10, 2010 at 10:19 pm

    well

    that date was a bust.

    🙂

    free therapy though. freaking priceless.

    what is the message?

    i am a goddess.



  7.  #7Robin on January 11, 2010 at 12:25 am

    Lola, sinking works beautifully. Another anger tool that i love! Love! Love! Is driving the car from “targeting.” basically your anger is the fuel for the car & you zoom past the dark pits into a happier place. That one feels so powerful effective & releasing to me!



  8.  #8Robin on January 11, 2010 at 12:35 am

    I tried the kiss a tree tool on my wall the other day & had a breakthrough! I began to sob. I felt so moved that this wall would love me wo asking me for anything or requiring me to be perfect. Especially when the opposite has seemed true in the past w ppl in my life. Ive decided thats a thing of the past..I dont have to be perfect for ppl to love me & Ppl dont have to love me in order for me to love myself.



  9.  #9Tina on January 11, 2010 at 12:48 am

    Oh god where do I start, well I ended up spending the night with “truckman” he presented me with a diamond promise ring in the parking lot outside the mall, he said he couldnt wait to give it to me, I said whats the rush?.

    He asked me what it took for me to date him and date him only, he said the idea of me dating other men is killing him ( I received a call from mooseman while he came to pick me up, he was standing at the door when I answered the call) I said well you mean a serious relationship? he said yes, what will it take? I well the only way I would even consider it would be if this was seriously leading to engagement and marriage. I reminded him again I was still married, he said he deosnt care we can take care of that, but now what would it take, so I told him it would take for me to agree to date him and him only and I wouldnt bring it up again until I had some form of commitment for ex a nice diamond ring, I said, what do you think? he said thats all? I said yeah thats all, I said well of course with the intention of becoming engaged/married. of course this was conversation was taking place after the call from mooseman (they know each other) , I said and dont be cheap (laughs) and we dropped it then and there so I thought, I did my shopping, a blouse for a dance and a strapless bra, he took off and came back later, on our way out, he asked me if I would except such a ring I said yes, but not a cheap on (laughs) we got in the truck and he said I got you something, I said oh? he pulled out a box, I opened it and there is this really nice pretty shiny diamond ring in it, he said Do you know what that is?, I said a promise ring? he said yup, so what are you going to do now? I said uhhhhhhh, take it, He said well you know what that means right? I said yes, we wont be dating others while we are getting to know each other, and sexually exclusive right? uh huh. He said do you like it? I said yes I love it! He said I love you Tina and I want to be your forever and I dont want to kill my competition lol, I dont do well with other guys hanging around. He and please dont throw it off every time you get mad at me, he said he would never intentionally hurt me and we should talk about things. Then we spent the night at his house. He cooked for me, did my laundry, he cleared my plate off the table (this was odd) I was waiting to see what he would do about the plate situation, I sat at the table and watched him doing the dishes wondering what he would do, he turned around and came to pick up my plate and gave me a kiss on the head. I was like oooook. and he is getting me a vehicle next week! yippeee!

    So I’ve locked myself into a dating exclusively relationship lol. We have no plans to move in together at all until there is a marriage date set. I know I can do the rest dating myself, circular dating without dating other men <<<<this I like. Do I love him? I dunno. I'm still doing "how do I feel around him" this is all I do lol.



  10.  #10Tina on January 11, 2010 at 12:52 am

    I lost my post



  11.  #11Tina on January 11, 2010 at 1:02 am

    Anyway in a nutshell, I received a promise ring for engagement in the future from truckman.



  12.  #12alias girl on January 11, 2010 at 1:05 am

    tina

    AND????!!!!!!….



  13.  #13Tina on January 11, 2010 at 1:11 am

    well he asked me what it would take for me to date and be sexually exclusive with him, that it was killing him to hear me dating other men, he would feel like knocking out the competition. I said well I would feel better knowing that there was a future for engagement and marriage, i reminded him of my situation (being married) he said that can be taken care of and would I accept a promise ring I said yes, so while I was out shopping he went and bought me one and presented it to me in the parking lot at the mall. He said he couldnt wait, because “mooseman” had called me when “truckman” was waiting for me at the door.



  14.  #14Tina on January 11, 2010 at 1:13 am

    Alias girl, I was totally ok with the diamond ring he presented to me, he said it was the only two left in the mall and he got me the nicest one he could find lol. He said the engagement ring would be nicer and the people at the wedding would be strange but accept them lol , he said he intends to go all the way, so who knows.



  15.  #15Tina on January 11, 2010 at 1:16 am

    Alias girl, now get this an old boyfriend from when I was 19 got was clearly upset when truckman told him he met the most beautiful girl in the world, old boyfriend found out it was me and he was upset at him lol.



  16.  #16alias girl on January 11, 2010 at 1:16 am

    aw. tina.

    i feel curious. i feel dangerous! i feel romantic. i feel scared. i feel excited! YIKES! I feel conflicting emotions! i also feel calm and like oh well if it works out, great, if not, ok.



  17.  #17Tina on January 11, 2010 at 1:17 am

    I am now 43 and old bf his getting married soon.



  18.  #18alias girl on January 11, 2010 at 1:17 am

    hahahahahahahaha!!!!! hAH! i feel triumphant and beloved.



  19.  #19Tina on January 11, 2010 at 1:18 am

    and a vehicle lol with the ring lol. I’ll be picking it up this week sometime. I’m not sure what it is but im sure I can trade it.



  20.  #20Tina on January 11, 2010 at 1:19 am

    Goddesss rule alias girl , we are GODDESS



  21.  #21Tina on January 11, 2010 at 1:21 am

    We have no plans to move in together until marriage date in definite.



  22.  #22alias girl on January 11, 2010 at 1:23 am

    yes, we are goddesses 🙂



  23.  #23Tina on January 11, 2010 at 1:25 am

    I feel all those emotions to lol, alias girl. when mooseman called he said , said oh it’s me, you think its to cold to go swimming? I said hey I would love to talk but I have to run. truckman asked who it was I said mooseman, he said oh he’s back , I said yes he must be back for awhile, he said hm.



  24.  #24Tina on January 11, 2010 at 1:26 am

    I figured he would wait for the pre engagement ring for at least one more month but no he just got one at the mall, I’m going to check the price lol.



  25.  #25Tina on January 11, 2010 at 1:30 am

    He asked if I understood what it meant, that for him it means dating exclusively and sexual exclusivity. I said that I would only consider that only if marriage was on the table, so he went out and got me this pre engagement ring that night after mooseman call. He said he loves me and always did anyway so it doesnt matter. He said and no throwing it back at him if I was upset at him for something to just talk. He loves my feelings messages 🙂



  26.  #26mary on January 11, 2010 at 1:54 am

    Wow, Tina! Congratulations! I’m happy if you’re happy!



  27.  #27mary on January 11, 2010 at 1:55 am

    alias girl:

    i’m upset that your date didn’t work out.



  28.  #28mary on January 11, 2010 at 1:57 am

    tina, i feel worried about strange people at the wedding. what does truckman mean when he says strange?



  29.  #29Tina on January 11, 2010 at 3:32 am

    Thank you Mary, well it’s for sure or I should say dating exclusively and being sexually exclusive at best, just with a ring.



  30.  #30Tina on January 11, 2010 at 3:33 am

    Mary, I’m not thinking that far ahead. I am just going with it. I kinda like it though.



  31.  #31Honey on January 11, 2010 at 4:24 am

    Tina I feel so happy for you! I feel happy for the other ladies too when they feel like goddesses. I feel very un-goddessy at the moment and a bit strung out on a man who I feel emensly attracted to (and he has expressed his attraction to me). I have decided to check this blog instead every time I have the urge to check my email to see if he’s written to me (which I do like a zillion times a day!)
    I am in leaning back mode with him and it works but I feel anxious because I feel like I’m waiting and then I start thinking too much about him and what ifs and sometimes happy fantasies – but then I feel like I’m giving to much energy to this and he can feel my vibe…uuurgh

    I feel calmer now that I have shared this. Thank you



  32.  #32alias girl on January 11, 2010 at 5:17 am

    yae honey!!!! i feel proud of you for turning your focus to something else. (this blog). that’s a great step. eventually i just started getting a more fulfilling life because i kept turning my focus to new things, new interests, self care, dating myself and then lastly circular dating.

    there are sooooo many joyful things you will find for yourself to put your energy and focus on.

    🙂

    yae honey!



  33.  #33alias girl on January 11, 2010 at 5:26 am

    i have a date on friday with a nice fun guy. this is the guy that calls but never leaves messages so i dont call him back. tonight he called right at the turning point of my not-great date AND he left a message. i called him back as i was walking out of bar from not-great date. and now i have a date on friday with him.



  34.  #34Honey on January 11, 2010 at 5:38 am

    Thank you AG! I feel accepted and better : )
    So get this…just as I finished typing my first post, I felt the urge again, then I read one of Rori’s previous blogs about breakups and it inspired me to delete the toolbar on my screen that tells me I have new mail – yay! I felt proud and empowered because before my eyes would dart to that stupid tool bar every 10 seconds. Then I breathed, opened my palms and told myself I love you and its okay. I then went and did something else…about half an hour later I needed to check my mail for something else but to my surprise, there he was after days of not emailing! I felt giddy, excited, but then oh no, this is just another fix…so I will reply when I feel like. Is that okay? Or is it rude or game playish? You are right, there are many other things to put my energy towards. Thanks again, I feel not alone anymore



  35.  #35Honey on January 11, 2010 at 5:55 am

    AG, Good4You! I’m loving this timing of how things happen!



  36.  #36Aldonza on January 11, 2010 at 7:36 am

    So so young! But how wonderful to find Rori’s tools now rather than 20 years from now.



  37.  #37tinque on January 11, 2010 at 8:28 am

    Tina _ Wow. This is amazing. How do you feel about this?
    xxoo



  38.  #38tinque on January 11, 2010 at 8:29 am

    alias girl – I just love your energy. These men are all messengers, but you already know that.
    xxoo



  39.  #39tinque on January 11, 2010 at 8:31 am

    Honey – it so seemingly easy for us to get hung up on men, even long before there is anything really there. Turning your attention to other things is a really good tool. It’s not distraction per se but more of a way to ground yourself.
    xxoo



  40.  #40Honey on January 11, 2010 at 8:55 am

    Thank you Tinique, you are so right. Ground myself…aah so true, its just what I needed. ME first then them. I still haven’t replied to his email and will only get a chance late tonight but now I don’t feel guilty for making him wait because I first need to feel grounded and back in myself and not floating about at the mercy of someone elses attention. I feel grateful for the wisdom I found here. Love Honey



  41.  #41Katie on January 11, 2010 at 11:59 am

    Hi Honey – yes you are so right, there’s wisdom and help here. ‘ME first then them’ yes, this is what I am learning to put into practise. I felt so much relief to find this blog about 3 months ago after a split with a guy who meant alot to me. And since then I have found the ‘tools’ are helping me with all relationships. It has allowed me to start to shift my vibe away from ‘the one man’ and get my life going again. I feel positive and in good company.



  42.  #42janjune on January 11, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    lola,
    rori’s “sexy warrior woman” post deals with anger.
    or at least it got me tapped into mine.

    and then as i was working through it, rori advised me to do two things:
    1. Let ‘Er Rip!
    2. try to Fall on the Edge of the Coin with anger.

    both were very powerful Tools in my case.



  43.  #43janjune on January 11, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    it’s so exciting to read what’s going on with goddesses leaning back and then leaning back some more.

    i feel happy the Tools are bringing relief and results.



  44.  #44janjune on January 11, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    Goddesses who have
    rori’s EBOOK and her Heart Connection Toolkit:

    IS THE CONTENT IN THESE TWO WORKS VERY SIMILAR?

    thank you.



  45.  #45Katheryn on January 11, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    I just wanted to say that it is so good to keep coming back to your blog Rori. These new habits of leaning back and experiencing each moment were REALLY hard to do at first. I can definitely see the changes and I’m getting better and better. Even if there wasn’t a wonderful man in my life I would still appreciate these tips very much because it has just made me overall more relaxed and happier with myself and life. I feel more relaxed and I even sleep better at night, even when I am worried about things. Thanks Rori! You are a shining star! So are all of you other beautiful ladies!



  46.  #46Tina on January 11, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    Tinque, I certainly do have commitment/intimacy issues. I feel worried about that. Yesterday I was ‘beating myself up” and he walked up to me and said, whats going on, he looked me up and down took a step back and said, I can feel a vibe here what is it? I said nothing, I’m just getting ready to go home and im thinking about the things I have to do – lie. He said nope thats not it, he said no no no, something is up. I laughed because I coudlnt lie even in my brain.

    for the most part I feel good, just good, stable, I dont feel head over heals madly in love crazy. I feel a little excited about the possibilites. I feel like I”m “making him do” something lol, I feel mischeivious 🙂



  47.  #47Lola on January 11, 2010 at 4:05 pm

    Thank you all!

    For the anger tips. That has given me plenty to think about.

    Janjune:

    “try to Fall on the Edge of the Coin with anger”

    I’ve heard the ‘Edge of Coin’ thing before but not sure what it means – would you illuminate if you get a moment?
    I’m a bit out of sync as I’m hours ahead of you all so apologies if I pick up on things 24 hours later: )

    Off to bed now – Goodnight all
    XXX



  48.  #48Honey on January 11, 2010 at 6:01 pm

    Hi Katie
    My story sounds similar to you in terms of a split 3 months ago and how Rori has helped more than words could say. I came out of an emotionally abusive relationship where beating myself up was the order of the day so I am still getting used to the ME first then them thing and to not feel guilt about it because I deserve good things and good feelings. I feel warmth and love for all you Sirens. xoxox



  49.  #49tinque on January 11, 2010 at 6:08 pm

    Tina – that’s awesome that your man is so sensitive that he knows you lie before you do. That is a rare and wonderful trait in a man.
    Sometimes good, stable, comfortable, easy, warm, trumps head over heels. The latter tends to be lust, and lust can always be acquired if a loving solid base is already there.
    As long as there is some attraction, you’re good to go.
    xxoo



  50.  #50janjune on January 11, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    lola-
    rori suggested that Tool as a cautionary measure to keep from going into passive/aggressive mode when dealing with anger.

    The way it ended up working out for me is:
    FEEL the all angry feelings, embrace the angry feelings, body mind spirit and soul
    WITHOUT restriction, censure, inhibition, prohibition, reprimand, control, judgment, punishment, dogma, dissociation, expulsion, stigma or objection.

    But don’t *BE* Angry.
    Just FEEL angry.

    I felt Rori was cautioning that it’s in *BE*ing overtaken with anger, not *FEEL*ing overtaken with anger that leads into the feeling of despairing over being a bad person for expressing anger and pain outloud. Then going into passive mode.
    being shut down.
    …more or less to make up for being a bad person for having anger
    and as a punish for expressing it.

    sometimes we don’t do that punishing to ourselves.
    sometimes other people do that to us.
    or for us.
    or try to.
    there are ALOT of people who are willing to punish us for expressing ourselves when we don’t step up and punish ourselves.
    but this is not for me any more!

    so to me, using rori’s Edge of the Coin Tool unables me to:
    1. acknowledge the truth of the protective nature of my anger and embrace and be comforted by it rather than trying to dissociate myself from it
    2. while ALSO acknowledging that these are *FEELINGS* of anger and don’t always represent exactly what is going on in front of me at that very moment…. ackowledging that this may only be a trigger to a painful event in the past.
    3. while simultaneously and conversely recognizing that this may well be something i very much need to be upset about and handle right now.
    4. and a very important component of the Tool, to live in the knowldege that no punishment or abandonment or ostracisim is necessary, from myself OR others. and that if any of that going on to recognize it as unhealthy, not born of the choices i am making for myself and MOVE AWAY from those old bogged down dead ways of thinking toward life and freedom and health and mature informed choices.

    Falling on the Edge of the Coin to me is being *conscious* of these all of these awarenesses, at the same time, right in the midst of the life event taking place.

    i don’t know if that’s how rori would explain it, but that is how it worked out for me. hope this helps!



  51.  #51Lisa on January 11, 2010 at 7:24 pm

    Today in Rori’s newsletter:

    “Talking doesn’t help. When we talk, criticize
    and vent, men get overwhelmed and confused.

    “. . .the best way to get through to him
    is not by talking more, or having clearer or more
    compelling arguments. The secret is being able to really get in touch with your feelings. Really KNOW what it is that you are feeling, deep down.”

    I really appreciate this emphasis on getting the emphasis back on myself. It doesn’t matter whether I am eloquent enough or not to get him to see his offense; he did it, he knows. At least, he understands to the extent he needs to.

    My job is not to correct him; he is not a wayward boy. My job is to figure out how I feel — how I was affected. If I wish, I can convey that. Or not. It depends on what serves my higher needs.

    I am no game player, so rejecting verbal abuse and saying, “Done”, was my salvation. But I only came to this after years of trying to eloquently explain. (Thank you, Rori.)

    Sometimes, getting us to explain ourselves is a giant mind fuck — a real control game. In my case, J. would say, “I don’t understand; you don’t make sense.” And you know what? On his planet, I did not make sense. And I would continue trying to find ingenious ways of explaining myself.

    Now I know I am the only one I can help or change, and it is my job to be in touch with my feelings. I will no longer allow myself to be dismissed or rejected. I do the rejecting!

    In a final death throe, J. sent several emails proclaiming he “was done!” Several weeks too late. It could never be a team effort, nothing. I just have to smile.

    I have still not severed business ties with him. The last email to me accused me of being “a nasty piece of business!”, because I has (correctly) accused him of cheating (he confessed at the time, but somehow, it doesn’t comport with his ideas of reality now.)

    Me, nasty? **shakes her head, smiling in disbelief** Thank god I can survive without him, a very nasty piece of business, indeed.



  52.  #52Lisa on January 11, 2010 at 7:28 pm

    janjune,

    I think I can say, “thanks” from all of us for your able explanation 🙂

    This is particularly helpful: “no punishment or abandonment or ostracism is necessary, from myself OR others” — moving away fro :dead” ways, in the midst of life. YES!!!



  53.  #53janjune on January 11, 2010 at 7:40 pm

    aw, thanks lisa.

    you crack me up.
    i just love this:
    Sometimes, getting us to explain ourselves is a giant mind fuck — a real control game.

    omg that makes me feel like laughing out loud! you just NAILED IT in one sentence!



  54.  #54Lisa on January 11, 2010 at 7:50 pm

    Glad you get it 🙂

    Well, we’ve walked through the fire to have the benefit of that knowledge, eh? But for me, it was also gained through taking the gentle-but-hardcore truth lessons here at Rori’s site. I have learned both from Rori’s direct lessons, and reading (sometimes between) the lines of all the women who post here.

    I am truly grateful for it all.



  55.  #55Tina on January 11, 2010 at 9:38 pm

    Tinque, the lust part can be aquired lol yeah for sure. Today he called me at 9pm, I made plans to go out to the mall and visit my sister, where before I would wait, if the call was going to come at 9pm, I would wait all day so as not to miss his phone call, well not all day but if there was a chance I would miss it I wouldnt go. Today it is different, I went out. I took my time to do my errands and had an enjoyable time with my friend and sister. Now he emailed me and asked if he could call, I emailed back and said that I was busy, downloading a manual and a karaoke song and this will take awhile to do. He sent me back a message saying he will say goodnight by email if I am still busy. I cant imagine now thinking about it that I would do things like plan my schedule around their availability.



  56.  #56laughing goddess on January 12, 2010 at 12:04 am

    Ahh! I’m back from my week long dating intensive!

    I was fun, so fun. Mr. Tender visited me for an entire week. Now he is off to South America for two months or so. I learned so much about myself over the week. It felt good. I felt some sadness and even anger when he left. Not towards him because he treated me well and had plans to do this trip before we even met. The anger was towards the universe for giving me a taste of something so yummy and then taking it away.

    But I got back up on my horse and am now focusing on me. Putting energy into my own life and getting ready for some travel plans I have.

    Interesting timing story, similar to honey’s. We’ve been exchanging emails since he left and I sent a vulnerable on sharing my feelings of sadness and madness. I was feeling bummed because I didn’t hear back from him as quickly as I would have liked. So, meditated and envisioned my “man”, whoever that may be, feeling sure and certain that he wants to be with me. Pictured his energy coming towards me. This vision wasn’t of Mr. Tender in particular, it was of my future lover whoever he may be. Anyway, after waiting all day for an email and checking my email constantly, as soon as I got into this meditation I heard a ding indicating am email coming in. I didn’t check it because I was feeling so blissed out from the meditation. But when I checked a few hours later, ok and behold it was him. I feel good and wise knowing I can shift my vibe like that and immediately life offers up different results!



  57.  #57laughing goddess on January 12, 2010 at 12:09 am

    Sorry for all the typos! Typing on my phone.

    So happy to hear that you are all doing well!
    Much love to the goddesses!



  58.  #58alias girl on January 12, 2010 at 5:05 am

    laughing goddess -NIce!



  59.  #59tinque on January 12, 2010 at 8:38 am

    Tina – Some couples prefer to spend every spare moment together. Other couples love to spend as much time away from their partner as with them even going on separate vacations. As an extreme, some couples keep separate residences. There’s all kinds of ways to be together in between the extremes.
    If YOU time is just as important to you when married or living with a man, then you continue to take that time for you.
    Anything can be negotiated.
    xxoo



  60.  #60alias girl on January 12, 2010 at 9:12 am

    i read a magazine article once about a married couple with a child who loved each other lots and lived in separate residences not too far from each other.

    frida kahlo and diego had separate houses with connecting a bridge or something. fridal kahlo and diego were not necessarily protype for me of a good feeling relationship. but the relationship can only be as happy as the people in it so…



  61.  #61alias girl on January 12, 2010 at 9:15 am

    i like the gesture of a man spending a pile of money on a diamond ring. except i could not stand to wear a ring everday. and i don’t feel that impressed by diamonds.

    although i like jewelry.

    hmm. what could a man spend a pile of money on that would be a similar gesture of letting the world know he was claiming me?

    ?



  62.  #62alias girl on January 12, 2010 at 9:19 am

    i feel very very lucky. i feel like a lucky person. i feel lucky in my bones and in my cells. i feel zippy. i feel content. i feel trusting that life unfolds perfectly. i feel solidly good.



  63.  #63laughing goddess on January 12, 2010 at 11:40 am

    Yay AG! You are lucky and solidly good! Yay!



  64.  #64Lisa on January 12, 2010 at 11:53 am

    A.G.,

    Thank you for sharing those happy, zippy feelings 🙂 That really is a marvelous statement of wholesomeness.

    What a super way to greet the day, full of zest and hopefulness. And why not? I don’t think the grumps have a better call on a happy life. For certain, not.

    If I may, I’d like to piggyback on your good feelings, and add a few of my own.

    I feel appreciative and loved. I feel compassion for those around me who cannot open to love. I feel that when I smile and greet others, they will enter my space in a similar way. I feel like savoring every small comfort in my life, from soft sheets to heat.

    I feel like every good thing is buoying me up and comforting me. I am enjoying focusing on the good. It is much tastier than focusing on what I lack. And truthfully, there is almost nothing that I truly could not do without. So above food and shelter, it’s all icing.



  65.  #65janjune on January 12, 2010 at 11:55 am

    go Li-sa! 🙂



  66.  #66janjune on January 12, 2010 at 11:56 am

    alias girl,
    i like
    “i feel zippy!”, too.

    you go girl!



  67.  #67Simply Shannon on January 12, 2010 at 1:42 pm

    Tina: Holy shit!! I don’t have time to read all the posts but saw the one about your ring. OMGOSH!!! I feel freakin’ excited! Hyperventilating over here!!

    AG: I would like a date report please. 🙂 Very happy to hear about these dates, even if the first one wasn’t great.

    Mr. Fab Kisser coming over for dinner tonight. This guy is seriously taking over my schedule and I’m having a hard time not laser focusing. Got one date in on Saturday afternoon but Mr. FK has me booked for tonight and Friday. Always fun stuff to do, all these sweet notes and messages. I’m feeling overwhelmed but also happy.

    Still more reading to do. Be back later. Shannon



  68.  #68Christina on January 12, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I’ve been trying to look on the internet for some advise on some issues I have that seem to be a very unique story in itself. I’ve ordered and read your book, and listened to your CD Interviews with relationship experts.

    Here is what I’m facing:

    The relationship I had worked so hard to have, The man I’m in love with I met him on Match.com. 2 ½ yrs ago. Spring 2007. We both lived in the same town and met a few days after e-mails and endless online chats. We had enough in common that we wanted to see each other. I lived alone for a very long time before I met him. He informed me that he lived with 2 housemates who own 3 cats and 2 water turtles, -who were dating each other. Animals don’t bother me much when they’re properly cared for, the cats were relatively nice. He’s known these 2 people for quite a long time. I’ve never lived with any of my close friends as housemates, and did not know what it was like. I’ve lived with a former boyfriend that that was when I was in my teenage/early 20’s. Since that relationship ended in 2000. I’ve lived on my own ever since, and continued to have some short term relationships here and there.

    Our first date together consisted of the company of the 2 people whom he was living with, it was important to him and to me that I meet them if I’m going to be in their home that evening and I was interested in meeting them and I was ok with their company that first night.

    This man I met was very different; we enjoyed each other so much that we couldn’t wait to hang out again. I’d had become friends with his housemate friends also I thought they were awesome friends.

    Our relationship became very intense we were both in love and happy we had a lot of fun together by ourselves and with friends.

    6 months go by and it was decided by me and this man that we were going to announce a discussion with his housemate friends about moving in with them. They were thrilled and seemed very happy for us. There was going to be extra income within the household and it was going to be a financial relief for all of us who have jobs. The girl who lived at the house who was in a relationship with the guy, is legally blind, she doesn’t see well to operate a motor vehicle or have a job. On top of it she also has Chromes disease.

    Ok, here is item #1 that really didn’t sit well with me however I didn’t say anything about it because I was going to be part of this household, and I wanted to be with this man.

    The housemate who’s in charge of the monthly house bills calculated their expenses and came up with a concept that me and my man would pay more of the rent to the landlord, in exchange, the other couple would be responsible for the small balance of the rent, the oil delivery, – which was approx every 2 ½ months, the electric bill, and the cable/phone/internet service, and lastly also the food shopping. I thought that was ok, until he passed a comment ‘’my being there will save HIM money’’, hearing him say that I should have put more though into my moving plans. This arrangement was nice that it was saving him money, but it was costing me more money to live there. I didn’t pay more attention to my inner feelings about this arrangement and moved in anyway.

    Approximately 2 months into my living there with all of them, I found that I was a bit frustrated that the housemates were so laid back about the tidiness habits of the home such as vacuuming, spraying and cleaning the bathroom, taking out the recyclable bottles, returning beer bottles for the deposits, instead they let them pile up in a huge pile.

    They did not do very much of the type of food shopping for a ‘family’ of 4. It seemed that the food supply was always low, though there was always more beer in the house than food. That alarmed me a bit because when I’m at work, (field worker), I don’t normally stop to eat lunch, I’ll normally wait till I get home. Sometimes there wouldn’t even be bread for a sandwich or milk left for my tea. Instead of asking the housemates, if they were financially strapped or asking them to go out and pick up certain items from the store, because I don’t ask about peoples finances that aren’t my business. I went ahead and did some huge $$ food shopping on top of paying more money to the property owner.

    The cleaning I had a talk with the girl, who job it was to cook dinner for us who work during the week, and to keep the home tidy and neat. She had told me due to her eyesight issues, she doesn’t see well (even with her contacts or her glasses on) to clean the way I clean, and that it would help her out a lot if I mentioned to her what should be tidied. Taking that into consideration, I granted that request thinking it was going to help her out, and I’d be happy. . . I didn’t feel comfortable dictating to people when they should clean their home, but I did try it, still I did not feel comfortable. After trying this I had informed her that I didn’t feel comfortable with that method, and asked her if she can just make herself a cleaning schedule since her cats shed a lot of hair and dander, which is what the problem was. She declined that idea because it was too much work and because it still didn’t help her that she can’t see if something needed to be vacuumed or cleaned, such as the bathroom. A bit irritated by this on days that I got home from working outside early I’d vacuum and clean the bathroom myself. I then began to feel better for a while about doing this till the girl started to give me the cold shoulder in other ways.

    My anger because of this started to display outwards, towards my boyfriend whom was suppose to back me up and love me. I found most of my free time was spent cleaning and afterwards I was too exhausted to have some fun of my own.

    I put up with this for 6 months before I had a talk with my boyfriend about possibility of us moving out together as a couple. By then I was tired of doing chores that were not mine or my boyfriends’ responsibility, and the fact that every time I did the food shopping that suppose to already be budgeted into mine and boyfriends rent the other couple would reimburse me.

    He agreed to move out with me, once I found another place for us to live that would not make us broke financially. I did, and he and I moved. Sorry this is where it should have a happy ending, however because of more events this story doesn’t get a happy ending.

    Approximately 4 months after we moved, the stock market did a serious nose dive as we all know, the other housemates did not move out of the home they were renting, they wanted to stay, instead of finding a cheaper place to live. His overtime with was helping them survive living there was stopped, he still had his job but he and a lot of other employees were not allowed any overtime till further notice. My boyfriend and I were having a lot of fun in our new place, we didn’t fight with eachother, we had fun together and enjoyed our time apart when he went to hang out with his friends on Saturday’s, -old tradition. I’d go out on my own and hang out with my friends, or my relatives and do my own thing. He and I were also affected with pay cuts and furlough days. However we managed to budget our finances during that time. The other couple, had started to borrow money from my boyfriend. The girl didn’t know it and I found out by chance that it was going on. My boyfriend never hides anything from me when I ask about things, , I never question his decisions to ‘help’ people. So one day our phone rings and it’s the housemate(guy). I answered the phone and he asked to speak to my boyfriend so I handed the phone off and continued to set the dinner on the table. I overheard my boyfriend saying ‘sure’ and ‘when do you think I’ll get it back?’. . . At dinner after the phone call I asked him, what that was about. He told me, even though he could have said he wished not to talk about it because the girlfriend doesn’t know, but the housemate(guy) had been asking like every other month to borrow money from my boyfriend which was money he’d been saving since we moved out. I said ‘Oh’ and then I ended the conversation because I saw it made him a bit irritated that he felt obligated to loan the former housemates money for bills that weren’t my boyfriend’s responsibility. He then asked me not to say anything about what he told me because the housemate(girl) doesn’t know her boyfriend had been borrowing money to keep from having to move.

    I felt that they were taking advantage of my boyfriend when he was living there before I moved in, then felt I was being taken advantage of too once I moved it with them as well which is why I had wanted to move out about 4 months after moving there AND, take my boyfriend with me. I think they had resented me for doing that since his income was helping them afford the place we were living in when I met him and those housemates. I also believe they were still trying to take advantage of him even though he wasn’t living with them anymore.

    Some of the relationship problems that occurred while he and I were living on our own, was 1- when I met him he was exercising and watching his portions. He is overweight and has sleep apnea and a mild drinking problem. However, sometime after we moved, he stopped exercising. However, His sleep apnea was addressed and he has the By-pap machine to help him with that. The drinking too much was a fight in a half till I sat down and explained to him that it scared me because I had an abusive alcoholic father till my mom got rid of him for us when I was about 5,-I did not know this about my father till a close cousin of mine told me.

    He granted the wish and cut his alcohol consumption down from nearly 2 a day everyday to just drinking when he went to hang out with his friends for some role play D & D gaming with his friends, and possibly on occasion 1 on Sunday afternoon if we go together with friends.

    In Apirl of 2009 my sister and brother in law cried help. My brother in law and sister bought a house in September 2007. So we thought about it, and decided yes. The former housemate friends were the first couple to jump in and say YES because it meant a really big financial savings for them, the rent and other bills would decrease to nearly half, which meant all the money my boyfriend had been loaning them would be paid back. It wasn’t much of a finance savings for us when we finally sat down and discussed numbers. If we were to do this, it was to help my brother in law from losing the house all together not so he can make ‘EXTRA’ money off of us. We were giving him enough money to cover 2/3rds of his house bills and that was all. He was happy with that, and the fact that he was going to get people who were not out to totally screw him like his sister did.

    Me and former housemate(girl) had a long discussion about some previous events that I’d thought she learned from such as my cleaning habits vs. hers. Also the grocery shopping would be done more often, and we’d be doing the shopping ‘together’ as friends. She also had promised me she’d tidy more on a regular basis because now she has gotten contacts that help correct her vision even better than the old type of prescription she had. All bad feelings were put aside however I made sure I said little in regards to this conversation afraid she would use it to her advantage to try and sabotage anything concerning my happiness and my temper control.

    I trusted her promise on this, , ,

    I based mine and my boyfriend’s moving decisions on this conversation and did not recognize other warnings which came from 2 of my personal friends who were introduced into our circle of friends. He asked me, , ,, Are you SURE that is a good idea?’ -I should have paid more attention to this instead. I don’t usually let questions like that make determinations for the decisions in my life and this one bypassed me.

    Another situation that presented itself that I quietly recognized was that this housemate(girl) likes to manipulate ideas into peoples heads. I found she did this to my sister and to my brother in law. She gave them the idea to combine the household so we all live in the house. ( my sister and brother in law resided in the basement apartment since they bought the house) My sister thought that was a great idea, and all of a sudden that’s all she’d talk about was she and my brother in law were going to be moving in upstairs too and sharing the house that we just agreed to be paying 2/3rds of every bill concerning keeping the house from going into foreclosure.
    The housemate(girl) who I felt manipulated my sister into this idea told me that she gave my sister the idea without thinking whether or not I even wanted to live on the same level of the house as my sister, because they also have cats, , ,2 of them, plus the housemates 3 cats.
    I was really angry and by the time this event happened, , it was already too late for me to cancel the leaving notice my boyfriend and I had given to the building owner because, my sister wouldn’t drop the idea even after my boyfriend and I moved there.

    This is one of the things I’ve been beating my self up over. I felt this was another sign that my boyfriend and I really should have cancelled out on the idea that living with these former housemates a second time was actually going to work.

    We moved in, and for about 2 months everything was ok housemate was cleaning up after their kitties, making sure the bathroom was clean- with some help from me, and we were doing the food shopping together.

    Then little things about the 2 of them started to get under my skin. The housemates would start to poke at mine my boyfriends’ business about things that don’t concern them. One of those things was about his drinking. Before we officially moved, I had asked him to NOT turn it into a drink fest. The housemates love to drink. If there is alcohol in the house, my boyfriend would drink it. I began to notice he started to resent some of the promises he made to me about acting the way they do. Back when we were living with them the 1st time, there was more alcohol in the house then food to eat. Which is where I think his drinking problem was, , ,if it was in the house he’d drink. When we moved back in with them, they made sure there was alcohol in the house because they knew how much it bothered me the first time. That began a whole new round of us arguing, , ,He claimed we had no such conversation and that he wouldn’t let anyone control when and how much he drinks, or exercise.

    The housemate(girl) who claims to know so much about nutrition claims there are the same amount of calories in beer as there is in ice cream or any other junk food snack that none of us keep in the house because if we know it’s there, we’ll indulge on it. Same concept I found with the beer.

    This housemate claims to know a lot about everything then puts up a defense claiming she is correct when someone tries to call her out on what it is she actually does know about a discussed topic.

    2 of my friends, who are married, do not like the 2 housemates at all. They feel as well as I that they are stuck up know it alls. They have even called her out on some things she tries to pass off that is correct when in fact its not.

    One other comment that was passed by the housemate(girl), was ‘she’s like a mother no matter who my boyfriend dates or marries, she’ll never be good enough for him in her eyes, since she makes the decision whether he keeps the girlfriend or gets rid of her. I remember hearing this from her, my friends husband refreshed my memory on this.

    I know whenever there is conversations going on between friends about a topic I don’t know enough to contribute my own personal experiences or even relate to the topic all together, I usually don’t say anything. Both housemates always make up stuff just to have something to relate to a discussion whether its true or just made up.

    My own 2 friends despise people who try to show off how smart they are. These 2 friends have been trying to avoid visiting and having social time because they do not like the 2 housemates, the loved my boyfriend, up until they saw he’s easily manipulated into acting like the housemates.

    After I realized I was never going to get though to my boyfriend how miserable I was because of all the irritation about the tidiness again and the taking it easy with the drinking, my anger was displayed in just about everything I got my hands on, (except sharp objects and glass). My relationship was pretty much done just before Halloween 2009. On December 3rd 2009 I moved out of my sister and brother in law’s house into my own apartment. About 2 weeks before I moved I got into a huge fight with the housemate(girl) because she had been hearing my ex call still calling me ‘honey’ or ‘hon’ and felt the need to mention that he shouldn’t be doing that since we are no longer in a relationship. I snapped at her and said ‘Listen if he wants to call me that, it’s because he and I still care for each other and it has nothing to do with you please stay out of what goes on between he and I if he wants to continue to call me that, it is HIS decision not yours.’

    Her reaction to that was a silent one, she then got up and walked out of the room that was once the computer room when I lived there.

    Around Christmas time 2009, I was willing to set aside that I can’t make my boyfriend exercise, eat healthy when he’s at work not drink excessively. I was WILLING to drop all that control if it meant having him in my life again as my boyfriend.

    On New Years Eve I visited the house for the new years party, I was trying to make light of the situation and keep the peace during my visit. My ex was there, obviously because he still lives there, with them. While I was there, I was trying to show my ex a little bit of affection, such as rubbing his hand or arm, resting my cheek on his shoulder, being polite towards him. At one point I attempted to be cute and sit on his lap, I felt a bit of rejection from him which wasn’t normally him, then I tried to kiss his cheek, I got the same type of cold shoulder feedback aura.

    Last Sunday. January 3rd, my ex and I were in an online game together called World of Warcraft with 8 other people, After we finished the game, I sent him a private message so the rest of the group wouldn’t see, I had asked him if he was going to come over and hang out with me. When he was here at my new place, he and I have a lot of fun together, It’s like I had my best friend back. My ego was not prepared for the response he gave me which was ‘’he didn’t feel it was appropriate, and people there have been talking s- – t.’’
    I nearly hit the roof when I read his response. I then picked up my phone and called the house to ask him what that was about, only to find that he really had no straight answer for me. I was raging at that point.

    Then it finally hit me,

    I only realized this month that the problem didn’t reside with my boyfriend anymore since I’d had been more than willing to give up controlling him. It resided with the 2 housemates and the fact that they just can’t stay out of peoples business regarding things that don’t concern them. It irritated the crap out of the housemate(girl) that I was trying to show my ex a little bit of affection and show him the nice side of me he’d fallen in love with when we were a couple. When I finally found out she was irritated by these attempts I sent out a really nasty e-mail to my sister’s household regarding this and it turns out, no one except her is getting in the middle of things. My family members whose house these people live in don’t take sides in situations like this and by her response to my nasty e-mail, she was the only one out of the entire household who seemed irritated by the attempts I was making towards my ex. She then had also said something to my ex so now my ex is siding with her on this matter.

    2 days later I tried to call my ex during my lunch time, (he happened to be home on vacation day from work), to see if he’ll talk to me about why his 2 friends who were also suppose to be my friends too are involving themselves in things between us that don’t concern them, ,, little hope in this conversation it ended up in another argument when he came to their defense instead of seeing things the way I was seeing them. I forwarded the housemate(girl)’s response to my e-mail thinking he’d defend me and actually see what was going on,

    After the phone conversation and him hanging up on me, I received an e-mail from him

    And this is what it said:

    Here is my response.

    We aren’t in a relationship.

    I broke up with you because you are unable to control your temper and then emotionally abuse those closest to you.

    This email is a perfect example of that behavior.

    I don’t see us getting back together, ever.

    PDAs are not appropriate behavior between the recently broken up.

    I have been told, I think correctly, that however much I give into your desires I am giving you false hope of what is our potential is.

    Your New Year’s Eve behavior–sitting on my lap, angling for a New Year’s kiss (which wasn’t just my impression) is doing stuff that gives you false hope.

    The hope you have right now is false.

    This is not the man I know. This is the man being manipulated by his housemates. this He wroth this on his livejournal.com journal, which is public so anyone can read it. I was curious to see if he’d been writing in it lately and this is what I found

    January 5th, 2010
    11:07 am
    [Link]
    Sending Emails that Suck
    Sucks.

    Really. I sent one that I think had to be sent but I so don’t feel good about having sent it.

    Sometimes I think that being a hermit would be easier. :-p

    I really do love this man and would have set everything else that was wrong aside until I realized that his 2 housemate friend manipulate how and what he decides. I’ve not spoken to anyone in that house since I made the livejournal posting discovery. I’m tired of them talking about me behind my back and manipulating him to the point he doesn’t see that they’re doing it to him. The only time he ever realized they manipulated him was when I was living with them the 1st time. He started to stand up for himself.

    I had promise my only 2 friends I have left out of this whole thing that I would not give this housemate(girl) anymore fuel for her fire and the chance to turn this whole situation and make me look like I’m the crazy ex girlfriend who wants her man back.

    – Should I leave him alone for good and move on knowing as long as these 2 friends of his are in his life, he will never find the happiness he wants and truly deserves whether it be with me or any other woman because they’ll continue to try and ruin things for him just so he never leaves them to make a life living with me?

    – Should I leave him alone hoping he’ll snap back to reality and realize his friends are manipulating his life financially and involvements?

    All my best,

    Christina



  69.  #69Flipper on January 12, 2010 at 6:00 pm

    Zippitydodah Zippetyay – Tina and Truckman riding off into her wild Kareoke Country, with diamonds – forever, or a pretty damn long time anyway. I can feel the happiness in the skin of my arms and shoulders, and crinkly smiley wrinkles in my cheeks.



  70.  #70alias girl on January 13, 2010 at 3:04 am

    oh yae. i feel supported and joined in with! thank you sirens!

    well simply shannon, what i learned is that i do not want to go on dates and feel like i don’t exist and am not cherished.

    the man did an excellent job of calling and leaving a message. and then setting up a date. and then following up before meeting. yae!

    when i got there, there was a cover at the door. minimal but still i did not want to pay a cover on a first date where he had decided the chosen place. so i waited outside until he arrived. then we walked to the door and the doorman said there was a cover and it was cash only so my date asked if there was an atm. so he went inside to the atm and i waited outside for him to return.

    then we went inside and from there the date started going downhill. It was as if Nothing (i mean NOTHING) i said to him registered. either he responded in a way that had Nothing to do what i said (but had something to do with him) or he just didn’t respond. not even a blink.

    and at first, i was authentically interested. listening at level 2. then i was listening at level 1 where i just was taking in everything. then i was listening at level “what about me?” and then i got to level “i don’t care”. but i started being inauthentic and kicked into old unhealthy behavior of continuing to laugh and smile and respond EXCEPT i was covering this horrible feeling that had started to creep in on me. i started to feel small and bad.

    i started to feel i didn’t exist really. only as a receptacle for his words words more words. no connection. no connection. i could not connect.i felt like i only existed for him. for him to try and get close to and try to put his arm around me. for him to tell all his stories and share how much he knew.

    i just felt like we were a complete mismatch of energies or the man was sedated or something. (he mentioned his “friend” (a woman) who he had gone out with on friday who just called him and had just woken up thirty hours later from their time together). ??? who sleeps for thirty hours? how is that a healthy?? i asked if she did coke.

    me- does she do coke?
    him – what?
    me- coke, does she do coke?
    him- what?
    me- cocaine? does the woman do drugs?
    him- oh, i don’t think so.
    me- oh, that sounds like someone crashing from drugs.
    him- oh, i don’t know. we went out for pancakes after going out friday. she just woke up thirty hours later.

    and then he started going on about her. and finally i said “i feel like i have had heard enough about her.” (lame feeling message, i know)

    finally i went into the bathroom and i remembered cesar millan that i had been watching on youtube.com.

    and i went back out and an authentic feeling message of self-care finally came out of my mouth. “i feel unheard.”

    after i said that, the night quickly spiraled downhill.

    but for me, it was like i suddenly felt back in my body. i suddenly felt like i was connected back to my powersource. i suddenly felt like i had taken care of myself.

    what i would do differently is end the date sooner. much much sooner. next time i will use feeling messages much sooner because by the time i finally said “i feel unheard” i felt angry. we could have recovered and possibly had a nice time if we were two different people. i was not that attracted to him but I COULD have been if things had gone differently.

    he started saying things really twisted and out there after my feeling message. i said “i don’t feel good with someone attributing to me things I have not said or things i do not feel.”

    it ended with him just leaving the table and not returning. it wasn’t an argument it was just bad feelings on both sides.

    in my opinion, and this is based on nothing but my own ideas and experience..

    someone who overtalks and talks and talks and talks and talks and has no capacity to take the other person in as a human being…

    in my opinion, this has something to do with an awful lot of unaddressed rage and shame in the overtalker. and anyone who allows to be dominated in such a manner is just compounding their own lack of worthiness which triggers their own shame.

    this is my theory based on ME and my own experiences only.

    so anyway after i remembered cesar millan and stopped the cycle by using authentic feeling messages it was almost like the man somehow felt ashamed. and i tried to make it ok but it just got twisted because his shame had gotten triggered and my shame had gotten triggered and we weren’t able to be accountable and turn it around.

    but i did not feel bad when i left. i felt like i had done the absolute best that i could have. and i felt like i had taken care of myself.

    AND how “synchronistic” that the exact moment that i remembered cesar millan and had turned my vibe around from victim to goddess —the other man that i have an interest in called AND left a message when he never had left a message before. i mean THE EXACT MOMENT of switching back into goddess self.

    so that was my date. i feel excited to go on more dates now because:

    1) I have boundaries.
    2) i can leave
    3) i feel worthy of receiving

    but no first dinner dates because i would have felt Trapped and would not want to be so rude as to just leave in the middle of dinner. esp when the man is not being overtly rude, he is just unconscious. i don’t want to destroy people’s confidence.

    i just want to have an enjoyable experience of getting to know people and if it is just drinks or coffee then i can end it gracefully if it is a bad match.

    also the conversation i had with the guy on the phone was like night and day to the conversation i had with the guy in the bar.

    the guy on the phone said -‘i could talk to you forever. it’s like you say something and then i think of something and it’s like bling bling, back and forth. ‘

    actually i am paraphrasing. i don’t think his expression was “bling bling”. but it was something that started with a “b” and he was referrring to the exchange of energy between us. he heard me. i heard him. he felt inspired by something i had said and vice versa and it was just a good conversation that went back and forth.



  71.  #71Tina on January 13, 2010 at 3:57 am

    Alias girl level “I dont care” got I hate that lol.



  72.  #72Tina on January 13, 2010 at 4:01 am

    Tinque, yes, I feel the same way, he wants to build a house here for me, I am living in a rent free home for now, I dont own it but it helps with my current financial situation. He has two homes about an hour away from me, so he wants to build a nice log home somewhere near by, we’ll see.



  73.  #73Tina on January 13, 2010 at 4:02 am

    Alias girl, I wear it when he is around, or on dates with him only or when ever I feel like it, keeping in mind our arrangement of course 🙂



  74.  #74Tina on January 13, 2010 at 4:10 am

    He slipped on some ice yesterday, so he is in bed, he called saying he was in pain and taking some meds for the pain lol (high as hell.) I didnt offer any words of comfort other than oh that sucks. He was fishing for sympathy though, I could tell.



  75.  #75Tracy on January 13, 2010 at 4:17 am

    Tina,
    Feel so excited for you…Yay….wow…I feel so happy that everything is working out and u are happy…Hugs!



  76.  #76Audrey on January 13, 2010 at 11:40 am

    Nancy’s comment was posted on Tuesday August 11 @ 1L14 p.m. under the title Instructions for Speechmaking When He’s Stalled and “Not Ready” to Commit to you. I was just reading a printout of it today.



  77.  #77Rori Raye on January 13, 2010 at 9:41 pm

    Christina, Welcome, and I’m so very sorry you’ve been unhappy and frustrated with all this, and yes, leave him alone and move on. Love, Rori



  78.  #78Christina on March 28, 2010 at 1:03 am

    Well Rori,

    After 3 agonizing months of my previous torn relationship, I managed to change my way of relationships, and attempt to allow the guy to do the ‘leading’ of the relationship, After I wrote you the initial letter about the ex who started dating my sisters best friend, I found and met a guy who was a complete keeper, and a knight on a white horse within a few weeks. He and I talked online for a few weeks before we actually met and had our first date, I had no intentions of calling him back after our first date, tho I did have intentions to keep e-mailing him so I get to know him a little better. I think I made myself too available for him because after 3 weeks of us just casually dating and haning out, we became an official couple, , , I was so so happy, then something strange started to happen. I found that he invited me to spend the weekends at his place and we got really cozy and I got used to it. He gave me no indication that we needed to slow down so I gave into anything as far as what our plans and activities would be for the weekend. Last week, March 16th, I called him around the normal time he and I would talk after work, and he didn’t return my call, it happened the next day and evening too. by thursday march 18th he showed up at my door which I was surprised by that because he usually calls before coming over and I wasn’t expecting him at my home that night, he came with some of my heigene things (shampoo conditioner and contact lens solutions) I would leave at his place just because it was more conveinent that way considering we live quite a distance away. I asked him what he was doing here because it was a bit unexpected and he told me he was here to return the stuff in the bag he had, and he was breaking up with me.
    Reason #1- after meeting me and starting a relationship, he realized he missed being a bachelor, even though he enjoyed being with me,

    Reason #2 & 3- I wasn’t a ‘Perfect’ match for him even thought we shared a whole lot in common, and he didn’t see us having a Long term relationship looking foward to 5-10 years down the line and having kids, because he didn’t think I’d be a fit parent. -I have no idea where this was coming from I don’t recall doing anything to have put this thought in his mind.

    I also wrote him an email explaining that I understand where he was coming from by means of spending too many weekends together, which I had planned on talking to him about anyway because in the short time, I was starting to get a bit overwhelmed by how quickly the relationship developed. I also told him I took the being a ‘fit parent’ very personally because no on is really a fit parent until they’re holding their baby for the first time. And frankly I don’t understand how he was able to make that determination so early in our relationship.

    Did I scare him away by staying over his place too many weekends in the short time we were together?

    Did writing him an e-mail 2 days after his visit help me any? -I didn’t want to start an argument while he was talking to me here in my home. I stayed quiet the whole time because I wanted to absorb what he told me before having my say.

    If I leave him alone do you feel there is any chance he may come back if he doesn’t find someone who tops my personality and qualities which he enjoyed about me?

    I feel I got dealt the ‘I need space card’ but for how long?



  79.  #79Soignée on March 28, 2010 at 1:16 am

    Christina,

    as for me, it is truth, he got tired of the relationship.
    So why the intensity of the relationship has to be given in small sizes. He did not have to work hard for you. I can understand him in some way, because he feels too trapped into relationship. The fires went off. That’s why Rori’s circular dating is such an important tool.
    Maybe the Rules by Hellen Fein can help you to find an answer.
    You were not elusive, you were a lot of an open book. The man when he invest into you to get you, he will love you. But the relationship which goes so fast, can end fast, too.
    You have to completely start to have your life full of circular dating, of fun.
    You focused your attention on him. But maybe he will miss you if you get unavailable. Break off every contact with him. If he wants to find you, he will. He has already found you to bring you back the things. And if he needs you some day, he will do the same- he will find you to say he missed you. Time will show everything. But please have your life back and try to forget this man. This is the only way to – maybe- get him back. If not, he was not your man.



  80.  #80Christina on March 28, 2010 at 4:27 am

    Hi Soignee,

    Thank you so much for your help. He and I do still chat when we’re onling playing a mmo. however I will stop so it doesn’t look like I’m trying to keep track of him in any way. I’ll continue to search for someone else to date even if it only for a short time. My problem is I let my heart get too attached too quickly sometimes I was trying not to do that with this guy but it seemed that he had the upper hand.



  81.  #81Soignée on March 28, 2010 at 5:01 am

    Dear Christina,

    it is the usual thing for a lot of women to get too attached too soon to a man. And the thing is if you circular date you do not get attached so at once.
    And you are the great goddess already, and you do not need the crumbs of any man also chatting with him online. He decided to leave you, it was his choice. But for you, it is not necessary to fill in his
    need for companionship. You are not his friend, you were his girlfriend. So please be aware of it.Be careful with this man. Leave him for good. Cancel him our of your life, out of your mind.

    If something leaves, it makes only space for something better!!!
    This man made you space for something better.



  82.  #82Brittany on April 8, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    Maybe you ladies can help me… my boyfriend and i have been together for 6 years… we have had ups and downs and then 2 months ago he said he needed space… i tried to give it to him but ultimately ended up breaking up with him completely… as soon as i did he tells me how he really feels… i told him i still need time to fix me so the break up is still on but i just don’t know if i should go back to him… i want to but i don’t know…i hope things can change and we can be happy but i’m just not sure… help?