Getting More Love By Giving Up Control – Session 1

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Have you ever felt like you were stuck in a hole with your relationship, and that everything you do, say and think is digging you in deeper and making you feel more scared, upset, angry and miserable?

Not only have I felt like that, so many of my clients start out like that. In my newsletters, I jump off of a lot of letters from you, and I wanted to do more of that here…so I asked several of my clients who work with me through email as a part of their coaching program with me if they’d be willing to let me publish all our dialogues – and Bethany said “Yes” –

– so you’ll be able to follow Bethany step-by-step through her progress with her man, Carl – and apply everything she’s learning – all the baby-steps and everything that comes up for her – to YOUR progress and your love life. I’m also looking forward to your comments, and your wisdom and advice and your own story to help and support Bethany as she goes through this to get what she wants…

Here’s where Bethany was when she came to me: She’d been dating Carl for about a month, and she likes him a LOT, and is feeling overwhelmed with fear that she’s going to mess it up. She’s a wonderfully smart woman who, like so most of us, finds herself in her head most of the time – trying to solve things, figure things out, guess what her man is thinking and doing and why he is, second-guess herself, and pretty much beat herself up about everything.

Because Bethany has all of my programs, I was able to pull out ideas and Tools for her to work with, and actually walk her through them and give her support for dropping all her need to take responsibility for everything and to control everything (this will be the most important thing for you to work with, too – dropping control – both the need from your inside, and the action you take around control on the outside, so see, as you read Bethany’s words, if you can notice how YOU’RE doing the same things, and work alongside her…)

The way I work with clients is to give them homework – Tools to practice. And then I hold them “accountable” for practicing by asking them to email me about their practice – what Tools they tried, how they felt, what happened. So – I want you to use this blog in the exact same way. Let me know how your practice is going so we can all move forward together…

Here’s Bethany’s first “check-in” letter after our first session:

“Dear Rori, I practiced the dance position beginning today right after we spoke. I kept having to remind myself of all the different steps, but as I did it, I noticed that more people LOOKED at me, as if they could feel me! And then, the hard part: my guy Carl called me on the phone. I felt flustered because I was in the office and the ring was loud, but I leaned back in my chair, unzippered my heart, dropped my thoughts to my pelvis, and answered with a simple “Hello?”

“He said, ‘Bethany?’ and then I just said ‘Yes’ – I got freaked and forgot to say that it felt good to hear his voice. I coughed and he said something about how he was sorry to hear I had a cough and I said “I feel frustrated that it won’t go away…but I feel like it’s maybe getting better” (Stuffing alert! I wanted to sound poised here.)

Then he said “I was wondering if you still wanted to go out of town with me on Friday, I know we’d talked about it earlier and I understand if you’ve changed your mind, but I just wanted to touch base on that.” I didn’t know what to say! I was trying to let my pelvis come up with something – but it didn’t so I said “I don’t know…it would be fun” and then he said “I think so.” (*Note from Rori -Bethany and I worked on bringing all her thinking down to her pelvis, and talking from her vagina – to loosen everything up and anchor herself.)

Then I asked if I could let him know later because I wanted to make sure I had all my work done. I don’t know what to do!! I hope I didn’t screw anything up…then he said “one advantage is that I’ll drive and so you can do some work…” I sooo want to go and have a good time but I keep thinking oh, well if I don’t go then he’ll feel rejected and lose interest in me. Then he said, “well, I’ll let you go and get back to your work.”

I felt disappointed that he didn’t want to make plans to get together later tonight, so I just said “okay,” and we said goodbye (I feel disappointed!) I feel icky about myself and I don’t know what to do. I want to go and have a good time but all my thoughts are telling me that I’ll mess it up. I wanted to say yes right away, but I think I wanted to seem like the kind of girl that doesn’t just say yes to going away for the weekend…there I go, stuffing! I keep doing this wrong. Bethany”

Here’s my answer:

Bethany – You are doing NOTHING WRONG!!! You are doing everything right.  Your first paragraph about people looking at you as if they could feel you was brilliant!! Just keep that going, it’s working for you.

You  did well in the phone conversation.  Okay – GO WITH HIM!  Next time he calls, say it would feel great to be with him away for the weekend, then let him put the whole thing together and pick you up – put your sexiest, cutest, best feeling clothes and stuff together and GO!  Just do your best to stay out of your head and stop judging yourself constantly – keep touching things and petting yourself and hugging yourself and talking nice to yourself… 

Whenever you get in your head and anxious – just say the word FUN over and over – you’re there to have Fun – not to accomplish anything.  If you catch yourself judging yourself – just say Oh well to yourself and move to happy thoughts that are TRUE.  You have tomorrow and Friday to keep working at this – you’re a fast learner – just do the Tools and you’ll be fine!!  You aren’t screwing anything up. 

He LIKES you – he may even LOVE you – just do your best to keep track of your body, your sensations, and talk them into letting go.  If you can’t speak feelings to him – write them down….

About sex – you might feel frightened of saying no – you can try “everything but intercourse,” with both of you having orgasms – is that okay?  It would be great if you could cut loose in that way – or – make him sleep on the floor or the couch, or ask him what HE thinks you should do? 

You can’t go wrong here, Love, Rori

I’ll post Bethany’s check-in letter and my answer in each post in this series – please let me know how working along with her works for you… 

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  1.  #1Daria on October 7, 2008 at 12:01 pm

    Ok what I did with the guy that I dated that was really attractive…

    well he kept trying to see me and I kept being busy…and I was on the phone and I thought I brushed him off…he didn’t call for three days so I was feeling kind of insecure… also we had talked a lot about sex and I feel kind of uncomfortable that I may have said too much about my history and he may be judging me… then I asked my Godsister who lives in the same town as him if she knew him… and she did know him from a long time ago and thought he was cool and attractive…

    then he texted me and asked me to spend the night… I texted that I’m feeling insecure…he called me and I told him I feel insecure, and we talked… I felt good and attracted to him and attractive… he apologized for inviting me overnight to his house… he asked to see me the next day and I was busy again…

    he hasn’t contacted me since then, that is 3 days! (wow it feels like a week)… I know he works a lot… it’s annoying that I keep thinking about him all the time… and especially about how good it would feel to do sexual stuff with him… I only went out with him once for an hour!

    I’m feeling insecure that he may be only into sex, that I gave the impression of not being interested because I kept being busy… I feel insecure that he’s not calling me… I feel angry and I want to let go of him… I keep practicing the waterwheel and turning away from him… I don’t want to think about him… I feel worried that it will be hard to find another guy as attractive and I feel that I made a mistake asking my Godsister about him because now it seems he has risen in status in my eyes because she approved of him…

    I am practicing loving my feelings and of course have not initiated anything in any way… except the thinking which is happening… I plan on next time sharing that I feel comfortable onlly having sex in an exclusive relationship (although I’m not sure this is what I want with him… what if I don’t like it ? LOL) and also that I’ve been feel angry and weird at not receiving any phone calls… and that I feel vulnerable having shared so much sexual info…
    and that I feel glad he has called me (when he does) but I don’t feel comfortable only talking now and then…

    ufff./… someone get this man off my brain!! Lol.

    PS – also I’ve given my number out to lots of guys online but since I started feeling this insecurity not many have called, and many have texted…which is annoying now because I’d feel better talking… probably my vibe is a little “off”

  2.  #2alias girl on October 7, 2008 at 1:06 pm

    i feel VERY CURIOUS about what the rori raye dance position is. i want to try that. i want people looking at me. i feel SO uncomfortable to get attention but i also feel STARVED for attention. i want to shine like the sun. i want men (men iam attracted to and are intelligent and strong an manly yum) to fall in love with me.i want five guys i would want to pick from to fall madly in love with me and then i want to pick the best one for me and then we live happily ever after and the other four men go on to find their best mates too and it was a great experience for everyone bc we all learned how to step up into our best selves and no one got hurt or felt rejected. right now i have men i liked A LOT that are no longer around bc they didn’t want a relationship. and i have men that are interested in me but i am only so so interested in them. but i am practicing with all of them. i have wanted a boyfriend my whole life. that’s what it feels like. i have been searching for HIM my whole life. but i keep going and doing my best to live a great life anyway.

  3.  #3Daria on October 7, 2008 at 10:18 pm

    wow I want what alias girl just said that’s what I always want too!

  4.  #4Daria on October 7, 2008 at 10:19 pm

    the dance position is leaning back, palms open forward, relax from shoulders down, back straight like a flower stem, (chin up I think), mouth slightly parted so it can be relaxed, let thoughts get heavy and fall to your pelvis and breathe into your pelvis – while trying to keep eye contact (that part is hardest for me) – let all your feelings flow through you and remember lean back if nothing else

  5.  #5Daria on October 7, 2008 at 10:20 pm

    PS – as far as people looking at you – IT WORKS – also try to slow movements down and remember palms open (this can feel weird and open)

  6.  #6alias girl on October 8, 2008 at 12:08 am

    thank you daria. yes. the extended eye contact is difficult for me as well. i will keep practicing this. i am much better at the leaning back. when i first started practicing i noticed how i used to DRIVE the conversation for fear of empty spaces in i just lean back. i give back. but i don’t Drive it like a hammer hitting a nail.

  7.  #7Terri on October 11, 2008 at 9:45 pm

    I feel maybe we’re all lil girls at heart, secretly longing for our prince charming to ride up on his white steed, recognise weare the princess of his dreams… his one true love and sweep us off our feet. Alias summed it up so well. I do have a question though… Palms open??? I feel funny asking, but for some reason I feel it was implied that the hands are up or forward… symbolic of “open”, but this feels wierd. Does it matter if hands are up or down… like in open laying on our thighs? Not clearly understanding how this looks. Thanks!

  8.  #8Rori Raye on October 12, 2008 at 10:54 am

    Hi – my “Dance Position” (all of it is in the Commitment Blueprint program), has many aspects – Open Palms is one of those aspects.

    First, just Experience it. Stand up, let your arms fall down by your sides, now roll your shoulders to the outside, so that the open palms of your hands face outward.

    Don’t try to stand that way all the time! It’s just to give you the feeling. If you catch yourself Overfunctioning, LeanBack and Open your Palms, it will reverse the energy for you.

    Open Palms is all about RECEIVING – and that’s where all your work with me is at – so let me know how it helps you…Love, Rori

  9.  #9Holly on May 14, 2012 at 10:47 am

    I’m trying your ideas in the newsletters, they all make perfect sense. So far so good. I am trying the dance position and the painting. If they work I will for sure be purchasing modern siren!