Ground Rules For Long-Distance…

Untitled design (14)

A Long-Distance Relationship feels difficult if you and your man can really DO a real, in-person relationship.

And Long-Distance feels wonderful (in an underground, subconscious way) if you and your man have fear of intimacy and long-standing patterns of pushing love away.

In other words, some long-distance couples are happiest when apart, and fall to pieces when they actually move in together, or often never even get to the moving in together stage at all.

And some long-distance couples are happiest when they finally get together. 

Which one will your Long-Distance Relationship be? 

Will it be an amazing way to bring you and your man – who are perfect for each other -together forever from different parts of the planet? Or just another unsuccessful attempt to bring an unreachable, uncommitable, emotionally (and now physically) unavailable man to you forever?

Here are some things you must know:

1.   You CANNOT be “exclusive” with any man until you have the true commitment you want (engagement ring, actual wedding, house together, trip around the world – whatever YOU want, that means “forever” to you) – whether you’re in a “Long-Distance” relationship, or one where you see him every day. so don’t shut down your options (You can learn how to do this with “Circular Dating”  in my Commitment Blueprint program)

2.   And if you’re going to “commit” to him with an engagement ring, if it’s a Long-Distance Relationship, you’d better have a wedding date set, the city and house you’re going to live in picked out and ready for you.

Why? Because long-distance can lull you into turning an Imaginary Relationship into a Real one in your head, and you don’t want to do that to yourself.

 Next, we’ll talk about using what you have – the phone, texts, emails and occasional weekends together –  to not just keep him attracted to you – but to get closer emotionally, so you’ll know who he really is, and what kind of relationship he’s really capable of.

 

29 Comments

  1.  #1Jess C. on February 2, 2010 at 4:46 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I am interested to know what more you have to say on using what you have in a long-distance relationship (texts, emails and the occasional phone call) to keep him attracted and get closer emotionally.

    I met a man about five weeks ago (he lives in Michigan, I live in California) and we kept in contact via text messaging. At first it was just cute and sweet, but it has really developed into more.

    He text messages me throughout the day every day, always messages me to say good morning and always again to say goodnight. He calls me baby, tells me I’m beautiful (we send each other picture messages), tells me his mom is already planning a party for when I come visit, says he can’t wait to know everything about me, tells me I’m an amazing, incredible woman, and tells me he can’t wait to have me there so he can show off what an amazing woman he has. We have also chatted over instant messenger and he has called me two or three times for short phone conversations. Our talks are not just superficial or flirty – we’ve talked about how magnetically drawn to each other we feel, how each of us felt when we first saw each other, how we think we’d make an amazing couple, even talked about what we’d do if things work out between us and we’re as perfect together as we think we might be. He has even said he’s so lucky, he’s been given a gift, and he thinks I’m his one! He has said he’ll do whatever it takes to be in my life.

    Careful not to let myself be in an Imaginary Relationship, I’ve told him that I’m not interested in a long-distance boyfriend because I feel that would be too difficult for me, and that I’m looking for more than a boyfriend. He replied by saying that he knows that and that if things go as well between us over the next few months that he is not against doing something about it. He even joked that if things work out between us he’d have to move to California, because it’s so cold in Michigan.

    He is flying me out to Michigan to see him Valentine’s weekend for a long weekend. And at this point he says he is going to come out and see me in California at the end of March.

    I am very excited to see him again, and am anxious to see how the weekend goes and if it is something real between us. I really feel like there is something incredible between us.

    My questions for you are these: how can I most effectively use the time we will have together over Valentine’s weekend to find out more about who he really is and what kind of relationship he’s really capable of? Also, how do I ensure I am Leaning Back and letting him row the relationship oars, even though I’m so excited about what the future may hold for us, and wondering how it will develop? How do I keep him attracted? I have been trying to use feeling messages as often as possible in our text messages…I am also wondering what to watch for when I go there to see if he really meant all those things he said about wanting to be with me or if he was just saying it. How do I know how he feels about me?

    Any wisdom or input you can provide will be much, much appreciated!

    Thank you,
    Jess C.



  2.  #2Rori Raye on February 2, 2010 at 6:27 pm

    Jess C – Welcome – and…you seem to be doing great!!! There’s always webcams and skype. If you have one, he can see you – all you have to do is use it for yourself and your friends, and share how you do it with him – let him make the decision to use it…otherwise, keep doing what you’re doing…Love, Rori



  3.  #3Jess C. on February 16, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I just got back from an amazing weekend visiting my man in Michigan! We had such a great time together, things went really well! He told me he loves me! He’s coming out to California to visit at the end of March and is making plans to move to California in April or May.

    I have given him the “No Boyfriend” speech and told him that I’m looking for a lifelong commitment, and that I don’t think being exclusive would feel right until I have that lifelong commitment, because I don’t want to get stuck in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, which is not what I really want. He said that he’s not just looking for a girlfriend either and wouldn’t be moving across the country and finding a new job if he weren’t looking for the same thing as me. So, it looks like we are on the same page, but I’m still hesitant about accepting the label of “girlfriend.” I understand that a little time has to pass before he proposes, but what do I do in the meantime? Call him my boyfriend? Let him call me his girlfriend? I don’t want to see anyone else, and he doesn’t either. But how do I do this developing period, between dating and a ring? He wants to change his Facebook status to show that he is “In a Relationship with Me,” but in order for it to show, I have to approve the request. Should I accept, or should I stand firm that I’m not his girlfriend?

    Thanks for your wisdom, love and light! You’ve helped me tremendously and I’m so excited and happy in my love life right now!

    Jess C.



  4.  #4Jess C. on February 16, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    p.s. – thank you for suggesting Skype! We’ve been using it and it is a god-send!



  5.  #5karen on March 4, 2010 at 10:22 am

    I love your site! I have been in a long distance relationship for 3 years this month. I am in my early 40’s, he in his early 50’s. We have had our ups and downs and always end up back together. My issue is this, he talks of a future ‘when’ we win the lottery. We talk 3/4x a day, and skype for hours each night. We are a 5 hour drive from each other and have spent long weekends to weeks together at a time (I use to work for a company our of his town). As much as I do love him, I am feeling very frustrated. It kills me to think of him with someone else and in my mind I can’t picture being involved with anyone else. BUT, I feel our visits are to spread out (now that I am not there every month for work) and I feel like we are just sitting idle with no set future plans.

    I honestly don’t know how to break it off (not because I don’t know how but I really don’t want to) but I don’t see our financial situations changing anytime soon to where we can actually be together. Plus, he doesn’t mention it either unless its talking about winning the lotto (most likely because he can’t afford to change the way things are). I am so torn, so confused! My birthday is tomorrow and I am disappointed he is not coming to visit. I was hoping for a bit more than V-day..he sent me an email with roses in it,,that’s it! I know money is tight but GEEZE! Please help me here!!!



  6.  #6Rori Raye on March 4, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    karen – Welcome – and I want you to read everything here on Circular Dating – it’s in the Targeting Mr. Right section, and if you can get the program, the ebook and Modern Siren – that will get you in an entirely new place…fast. What you need to do is just expand your life. Circular Dating is not just about dating, that’s why I want you to really learn about it and understand how it works and how to ease yourself into it. As soon as you allow yourself to interact with other men – for REAL – everything will shift for you. This man is only incidental. He’s been a “placeholder” for you for 3 years. It’s time to get your life BIGGER in a methodical, real and adventurous way – you have so much fantastic-ness ahead of you, and you don’t even have to “break up” with him!!! You get to have it ALL…Love, Rori



  7.  #7Karina on June 15, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I’ve been reading your emails and just discovered your blog. My partner works and lives in another province and flys or drives home anywhere from every 10 to 25 days for about 4 days. Many women have this situation. We are in a serious, committed relationship; two kids each and own a home. The fact is that I would never wish this life for any woman. Men that work away from home are simply physically away too much.
    That being said I still love him and the kids. We will stay together because we are great when we are together and our kids are all much happier. Nothing – not work, yoga, reading, classes, kids, pampering, shopping, family, hobbies, facebook, email, skype, blogging, writing, etc can replace the need for physical intimacy. Those of you younger than 40 may not agree but believe me even just touching toes while snuggled on the couch for a movie or bumping into each other in the kitchen is blissful. We all take it for granted when they are around. I just want anyone jumping into long distance love to reconsider because it is painfully difficult.
    Thanks,
    Karina



  8.  #8Rori Raye on June 19, 2010 at 4:26 pm

    karina – thank you so much for this….Love, Rori



  9.  #9rajwinder on December 30, 2010 at 11:01 pm

    absolutely right we can take long relationship into two ways ,by living apart or living togther



  10.  #10Laughing goddess on August 17, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    Ground Rules For Long-Distance…

       

    A Long-Distance Relationship feels difficult if you and your man can really DO a real, in-person relationship.

    And Long-Distance feels wonderful (in an underground, subconscious way) if you and your man have fear of intimacy and long-standing patterns of pushing love away.

    In other words, some long-distance couples are happiest when apart, and fall to pieces when they actually move in together, or often never even get to the moving in together stage at all.

    And some long-distance couples are happiest when they finally get together. 

    Which one will your Long-Distance Relationship be? 

    Will it be an amazing way to bring you and your man – who are perfect for each other -together forever from different parts of the planet? Or just another unsuccessful attempt to bring an unreachable, uncommitable, emotionally (and now physically) unavailable man to you forever?

    Here are some things you must know:

    1.   You CANNOT be “exclusive” with any man until you have the true commitment you want (engagement ring, actual wedding, house together, trip around the world – whatever YOU want, that means “forever” to you) – whether you’re in a “Long-Distance” relationship, or one where you see him every day. so don’t shut down your options (You can learn how to do this with ”Circular Dating”  in my Commitment Blueprint program)

    2.   And if you’re going to “commit” to him with an engagement ring, if it’s a Long-Distance Relationship, you’d better have a wedding date set, the city and house you’re going to live in picked out and ready for you.

    Why? Because long-distance can lull you into turning an Imaginary Relationship into a Real one in your head, and you don’t want to do that to yourself.

     Next, we’ll talk about using what you have – the phone, texts, emails and occasional weekends together –  to not just keep him attracted to you – but to get closer emotionally, so you’ll know who he really is, and what kind of relationship he’s really capable of.



  11.  #11Soapylady on September 5, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    I just started emailing a man about 7 hr drive from me. Met him on eharmony. He’s given me his phone number, but I don’t plan on calling him. I am considering giving him my phone number to call or text in my next email to him. It’s only been a month that we’ve been communicating, and I feel like I would like to meet him to see if there’s chemistry, and if so, then continue to build on a relationship. We’re both retired, but I don’t have the money to do the traveling that he does, so there is no way for me to go see him (saves me from physically chasing). He had mentioned in an email that he was near the airport (visiting his daughter) and wished he could just hop a plane & come see me, but he wouldn’t do that unannounced. My last email, I mentioned I would be in the city (I live an hour outside the city) for a doctor’s appointment and I felt I would like to plan something to do while I was there next week. He didn’t offer to meet me in his email, so I’ll just let it go.
    I always try to include some FM about my life. Last time I described my affinity to water and how I feel seeing it, feeling it and hearing it as rain, the ocean and as a waterfall. He wrote back that he too “feels” that way about water and thought what I said was ‘sensual – nice’.
    So I’m looking for some input/suggestions for seeing if this might develop to something. He said in his profile that he’s not adverse to moving for the right lady, and I’m willing to move for the right man. We’ve exchanged pictures. I’d like to go to speaking on the phone and/or having the ability to text instead of just emails. How can I give him that information without leaning forward? This is my first long distance relationship. I’ll listen to whatever advice is out there.



  12.  #12christinekuebrich on November 14, 2011 at 7:26 am

    how to find a man to talk to and he will tell me about himself and wont give up on me if i tell him to leave



  13.  #13katie on December 5, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    i’ve been dating a guy for 2 weeks and it’s the best feeling I ever had! He’s not even my type at all (he’s a bit younger than me, looks not what I’ve dated, etc.) but yet I’m crazy about him. He informed me right off the get go that he’s been given an opportunity to move out of the country for work (we work for the same fortune 500 co.) to London in April and is visiting London in a month for 1-2weeks to get a feeler for it. Over the weekend we went out and he kept telling my friends in our group how gorgeous I was and he slipped to tell me I might just be the girl to make him stay!!! Unfortunately when he sobered up he was back on about how excited he was about London; but did mention how much he liked me. I am not sure what to do; do I call it off or is there anyway I can get him to stay? The CFO personally talked him up to get this opportunity and although he says it wouldn’t hurt his career if he changes his mind; I think there’s a chance it still could. I’m so sad & I don’t want to keep lingering with no hope in site.



  14.  #14jb on January 16, 2012 at 11:40 pm

    i have a ex boyfriend from 30 yrs ago who lives 1800 miles away . He found me about 1 1/2 yrs ago on line and we have emailed every day almost and talk once a week . I’m getting divorced so is he. he has not came to see me, his mom lives where i do and he says it’s money and or he will fall in love more and make things worse as we are divorcing our others. I know he neede me through his seperation but it seems he is looking around there and hanging me on. I want more time he says he is just busier than i,he says and i believe he loves me but i know if he really wanted he would make more effort. I want to let go but i feel so sick just the thought of never talking to him again. we are so used to each other it always draws us back. how can we just be friends and no jealousy from both? Or is it time to let go and how can I get through the missing him after so long! Not wanting to email as a habit and the love of it and him.Childhood loves that never left our hearts!!!



  15.  #15confused girl on April 11, 2012 at 11:05 pm

    hi– ive been into LDR for almost 10 mos now and he said that his mother already bought them a tickets to come over here in my country this coming May. Ive met my bf in an online dating site. The first few weeks we already had arguments because of the differences in our values and beliefs but even we had BIG fights most of the time and misunderstandings we still manage to continue our relationship and patched things up. He said that he loves me very much and planned about our future together,he even sent me a pic of my engagement ring which he will put into my finger we he comes and visit me with his parents. His nights are dedicated talking to me coz he is a very busy person during the day(he is one of the managers/senior systems engineer of a known IT company).I just have questions at the back of my head 1.)why he cant send me his pics,never showed himself in cam to cam conversation(i always show him myself),i cant contact him during weekends coz he is with his friends or family. For this period of times i havent got the chance to see him both pics and videocalls(but he sent me pictures of his place though),never talked to him on weekends(or even got an email on weekends) and now that May is closed,I cannot contact him anymore,i didnt get any of his reply to my emails for 2 days now. he said that the only he cant reply to my emails is if he is in the hospital or dead. I am really worried and confused now because before he went for a vacation last week he was sooo sweet and i cant since any hint of red flags. btw,this is the first time that i didnt get any message from him for 2 days now because i always get replies to my email. What should i do? am i dumped? is he true to me?–pls help me sort and clear things out. Any reply is highly appreciated. thank you!



  16.  #16Rori Raye on April 12, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    confused – am I misunderstanding, or have you truly never met this man in person? Love, Rori



  17.  #17amber on July 8, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    Hi Rori! Thank you so much for your information, I really feel as though it has changed my perspective on myself and my relationships with men.

    I’ve been dating a guy about two months now that I met online and at the time he was living in town. Now his job has taken him about 2.5 hour drive away for about 3 months. He can’t really get away, but I can come see him on most weekends.

    Before he went away, I asked where things stood (his ex of 3 years broke up with him about 4 months before we met) and got the “I don’t feel like I have the emotions to give you right now because I am still healing from my breakup… but I do really think there is something here and would like to continue to get to know you. I just need some time.”

    I think he is an awesome person and when we are together everything is amazing! And yes I have slept with him. It’s just when we are not together that I don’t really know where things are going or how to act…

    1. Does the Commitment Blueprint still work if it’s long distance?

    2. He only calls or texts once every 1 to 2 day… I know he is busy, but is that any excuse?

    3. Should I be driving to see him or does that break some of the rules? But I feel like if I never drive out to see him, I’ll never get to see him and things won’t move forward.

    4. If I start circular dating should I let him know? With him being gone I don’t think he would get the message otherwise.

    Please help!

    Thank you so much, Amber



  18.  #18Rori Raye on July 8, 2012 at 9:03 pm

    amber, Welcome, and long distance changes everything. 3 months, tho – isn’t all that bad. And yes, all the programs work no matter what, because there’s phone and skype, and text and email and facebook – and you need to have skills for days to communicate in ways that keep things alive….and ways to handle your emotions so you stay cool and sane. Circular Dating isn’t about dating – ask around here, and read, so you know how to do it and use it. Love, Rori



  19.  #19Diana on October 23, 2012 at 8:02 am

    I have been talking to my friend that I knew about twenty something years ago. Its been 9 months. We don’t talk everyday maybe at least once a week. Since the day we started talking, he’s been wanting to see me.

    First he wanted me to come see him. I felt uncomfortable at the idea. Then he said he would end up coming back home to visit. He left my city twenty years ago because of bad memories.

    Then finally he stated he wants me to come up. He is using work as an excuse, not able to get away. He’d pay for the flight.

    Do you think it is wise for a woman to fly out? He says he wants me to see the way he lives and see if I like it here.

    I am contemplating and want to go now. I really want to see him.

    Please advise.



  20.  #20Rori Raye on October 23, 2012 at 8:28 am

    Diana – This is one of those situations where you have nothing to lose. But I also feel the energy you have around this. If he’s going to pay for the flight, and if you have nothing in mind but a nice, paid-for trip and some fun getting to know a man…then GO!!!! And if you feel all hung up over him – don’t. Just know this – he’s likely to never want to set foot in this city he left long ago. If it’s a click – be prepared to move ASAP to see this through. Love, Rori



  21.  #21Ana on November 1, 2012 at 4:20 am

    Hi Rori!! I’ve been following your programmes and newsletters for a while and found them really useful. I still have some doubts about how to use the tools in my long distance relationship.

    To sum up, I started dating a man a year ago. He lives 3 hours by car, we see each other like 1-2 times a month. At first it was casual dating, then, after some months, I told him I had feelings for him (I’m not sure I did well telling him I loved him) and he told me he was just about talking with me about us: he really liked me but was not looking for a commited relationship right now, he does not think a LDR can be serious and doesn’t want me to loose work opportunities (I’m finishing my degree now) because of going to live where he does.

    I thought about it, and told him I was ok getting to know each other and “just” dating for a while, but told him my boundaries: I expect to have children before I’m 35, if he’s not the person who can give me the type of relationship I won’t, I won’t have other option but to move forward. Also we agreed that of course we can’t be exclusive, I we don’t know if we are meant to be, can’t close the door to meeting another person.

    This was before reading your ebooks. It’s been some months, and although he’s really caring, contacts everyday if I don’t, plans weekends with me… he still hasn’t said anything close to “I love you”. I am really ok with giving the relationship time, we haven’t seen each other so much if you think we meet so few, but I need to see things moving forward. Maybe I was starting to be pusshy, talking about us, where things were going… I’ve stopped it. I just keep on telling him how I feel, showing as open to him as I can, avoiding to tell him what to do.

    My question here, about calling/texting… is it really ok that I let him be the one to initiate the contact always? He calling me is not and issue, he always does and even complains I don’t call him as much as he does. I am worried that he feels I’ve lost interest… on the other hand I am really warm and ellocuent about my feelings when we talk, so he shouldn’t feel that way…

    I’d gladly take any advice you have for me :). Also, I really wan’t to thank you for your relationship timeline. I was freaking ’cause he introduced me to his father, and is willing to meet my parents, thinking it had some deep meening… when it does not. Now I think I now where I stand, you saved me from my own imaginary commitment lol 😀



  22.  #22Rori Raye on November 1, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    Ana – It sounds like you’ve got the basics down from Commitment Blueprint of what this really is – Dating – and I’d totally keep doing what you’re doing, and work to stay calm and truly, truly Circular Date. Love, Rori



  23.  #23Deanna on January 7, 2013 at 9:34 pm

    I’ve been in a Long-distance relationship for a year 1/2. Me and my boyfriend love each other very much I think we are soul mates. My boyfriend is on Disability for his back and knee. We have tried to meet in person but we can’t afford it. But we are saving our money. He lives with his Grandma. She recently had a stroke. My boyfriend and I would talk everyday the he started to call less and less. Till he would only call me once a week. I didn’t bother me I just Thought he was tired from taking care of his grandma at the rehab center My boyfriend doesn’t have a cell phone he told me it broke and can’t afford a new one . He can’t give me the house phone number. His Grandma doesn’t want him give out the number to his friends. She doesn’t want his friends calling the house all the time. Boyfriend is aloud to call me anytime he wants to. When boyfriend does call me we talk for hours sometimes till the sun comes up. Now that his Grandma is back at home I thought he would start to call me more but he hasn’t. What can I do to get him to call me more. I love him with all my heart I know he love me too he tells me every time we talk. Can you please help me out
    Thank you
    Deanna



  24.  #24Deanna on January 7, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    And I also get really worried about him too thinking Something bad has happened to boyfriend. When he doesn’t call me



  25.  #25Deanna on January 8, 2013 at 12:09 am

    Sorry i forgot to Mention that I’m 34 yr old boyfriend is 36 yr old



  26.  #26Rori Raye on January 9, 2013 at 11:06 am

    Deanna, I don’t know how old you are – but having a boyfriend for so long long distance sounds like a losing proposition to me. Love doesn’t conquer all. I’d like to encourage you to be social in your town and talk with new men who aren’t long distance or burdened with all of these problems. You can always be his friend, and if things change, you can make yourself available… Love, Rori



  27.  #27Deanna on January 9, 2013 at 11:53 am

    Im 34 yrs old and my bf is 36 yrs old. I feel talking to other men would be cheating on my boyfriend. Should I wait and talk to him next time he calls and tell him how I feel and find out where our relationship stands. I also still live at home with my mom because i have epilepsy I can’t live alone. I can’t drive any where to meet people. Please hlep
    Thank you
    Deanna



  28.  #28Sunshine on March 11, 2013 at 9:49 am

    Hi Rori!!
    Thank you for sharing your information! It feels so good, and reassuring to be reminded of many things I actually did used to live by when I first started really dating in my late teens/early twenties (but, had somehow forgotten along the way since then)! I have the complete collection and am going through it…I am a single lady, temporarialy relocated in the midwest and looking forward to returning to southern CA.
    I am doing online dating via one website to meet and date men that I can find datable because I’ve tried to date local and have found that I honestly cannot relate to men here, and do not have any interest in men in this local area. I do still remain open to possibly come across someone that could pique my interest in the grocery store, or incidently however, I know I need to focus on men that I do actually have at least some interest in and want to date and they do not reside here.
    So far, I have met a couple of men in person from the online site. One, because I happened to be in a city near him and he drove to meet me that was fine but, he was from this area and it fizzeled out.
    The other man paid for everything (as he should of course) for me to fly out to meet him. Both were great meeting and date experiences.
    With that said, Please, I would like your advise on some guidance specifically for this type of situation (online/initial long-distance meeting and long-dating) where the woman knows that she will travel to meet men and to spend in-person dating time with a man.
    I am trying to re-incorporate circular dating back into my life and into daily activity. The feeling messages way of communicating is coming back to me again too and it so makes all the difference (how did I forget all of this from dating in my 2o’s?)! Ideally, I would like to be circular dating at least 3 or 5 going but, it’s a different situation and a different environment/medium with the online-into-real-face-to-face process scenario. I have more specific questions also and would like to talk about some sticking points and share some specifics also but, I wanted to at least start the conversation with this.

    What do you think?

    Love to you all!

    – Sunshine



  29.  #29Rori Raye on March 11, 2013 at 3:45 pm

    Sunshine – As crappy as long distance is, it can work out. As long as you can be flexible about where you live, and can take a week at a time to get to know someone after 3 months or so of Skyping, just keep doing what you’re doing. Circular Dating is now a world-wide thing – and please, please still stay alert and flirty with men in your town. If it were me, and I was sure about moving to CA – I’d say that in my profile and actually set up a profile on another site that puts me in California. Love, Rori