Guidelines For Posting

Hi all – If you’re new here and not sure how commenting here works, and how to best participate in and USE the community we have here – here are some guidelines:

What’s so special about this community on this blog is that we’re a safe place…

We’re a laboratory. A place to practice Tools, to share our secrets, to be raw and vulnerable, and to learn to trust ourselves and one another in an emotionally safe, anonymous environment.

To keep it safe in this way, I monitor it as best I can, and want to respond quickly if you let me know something has suddenly become heated, gone off the guidelines, and become unsafe. (Sometimes we have a man join us, and if he seems thoughtful and caring, I let him through. And – the moment any woman becomes uncomfortable with his presence – he’s gone.)

The language of the blog is Feeling Messages

The safety and wonderfulness of the blog is based on and depends upon focusing on speaking in Feeling Messages, in our rawness, vulnerability and poetry rather than description, advice, opinions and reporting.

If you’re not sure what I mean by Feeling Messages – start with my ebook Have The Relationship You Want (click on the book photo over in the right sidebar), and then read everything you can here – especially the comments.

And everyone here will help you with this!

We LOVE helping rephrase words, speeches and scripts – (and to avoid giving advice, we’ve found that the best way to do it is to say it how we would say it, not how we think someone else should say it).

Since I’m the only “boy” on the blog, I get to suggest!

(And I’d like to discourage suggesting from anyone else who isn’t a coach.)

“Suggesting” is forbidden in the 4 Rules to use with men, and so I ask you to try to avoid it here, too. I know you have fabulous ideas – and I’d love it if you’d express them as how it’d work for you, rather than as how you think someone else should do it.

If you’re not sure how to post your ideas and share your thoughts and feelings, simply start by STOPPING giving “opinions.”

This blog is so different from everything else out there

It’s not Huffington Post, and I keep it as monitored as I can to make it as safe a place to express feelings as possible. And I also want it to be a great and safe laboratory for everyone to express themselves ONLY in Feeling Messages ALWAYS.

That means “boy” energy opinions and advice aren’t helpful to any of us who’re practicing openness and vulnerability and “girlness.”

The only exception I make to this rule (and obviously I can’t monitor everything all the time, so no way is this going to be “perfect”) is for professional coaches and therapists who want to come here and be “boys,” and professional and offer opinions, advice, and help. Dominique, Orna Walters, Greta Hassel, Virginia Clark are some of these coaches.

Unless you’re a coach or therapist, and especially if you’re new here – would you consider seeing if you can “Translate” your thoughts into Feeling Messages?

I generally ask everyone to stop giving advice and use the blog to share in Feeling Messages and “Riff,” and generally expose their own emotions and practice speaking them in a safe place where “making sense” is not important.

If you feel compelled to give advice, here’s one way to try doing it differently: “If it were me…I’d feel good….” so you’re staying in Feeling Message format, not in masculine opinioning.

Also, if you’re new and just trying to catch up on my Tools by reading as much as you can here, you may not be all that familiar with my programs. So – I’d really encourage you to get the ebook. It’s very inexpensive, it’s the basis of all my other programs, and it would help you reframe your “voice” on the blog if you’re finding yourself stuck in masculine energy advice giving. It’s “Have The Relationship You Want” over in the right sidebar.

If you’d like some help with “Riffing” – a major Tool in use on the blog – please ask for help.

intimacyYou’ll notice that Daria Riffs a great deal and is expert in it (if you’re confused by some of her comments – it’s because she’s often”Riffing” – you can read about it and learn to do it yourself in the Power and Self Esteem Category here. Just start from the oldest post in the category and follow the directions. You can also ask Daria for help, and so many other of the fabulous women here are amazing in helping with Riffing, speeches, scripts, Feeling Messages – and so many of my Tools.

Interacting and asking each other for help makes everyone feel good, and gives us practice in helping without going all “boy” and giving opinions and advice. Watching how it’s done here so brilliantly so often will help you communicate with men in a new, wonderful way.

Looking forward to hearing more and more of your voice – as raw, vulnerable and safe as you’re willing to let it be.

Love, Rori

Here’s a sample of a passionate comment that I did not let through – and what I personally asked the writer to do to follow the guidelines:

“The only mistake any of you make is thinking that any of this is helpful. Putting a different spin on problems doesn’t make them go away, it just makes them worse. Who is Daria to judge? Shes been here for 4 yrs and still doesn’t get it . Love yourselves girls. Feel what it would be like to have the kind of relationship you desire and allow it to happen. Staying here will keep you exactly where you are. You cant get to a happy place from patronizing anger, it just doesn’t work that way.

OMG you all think you have to change yourselves to find what you are looking for. Do any of you realize that you are fine just the way you are? Who you are is the most precious gift. As for this being ” practice” for a real life situation, the ones who purge their opinions and judgments on the vulnerable and confused will never get it , inflicting their limiting beliefs . Stay here and stay in misery. Do the work ( the real work ) of accepting and loving yourself and know that you are fine just the way you are.

I realize that most people don’t love themselves. When two people come together that really care about how they feel it just doesnt get any better. Perhaps these many perspectives are what causes the confusion. Maybe a LOVE YOURSELF policy would help these women to understand that its not their business to worry about some guy. If they cared more about how they feel instead of trying to control a bad situation. their lives would be blessed , but then again when we know better we do better.

The best advice comes from within, intuition and inner guidance goes a long way to becoming who you are meant to be. Believe in yourself and never mind the endless line of do gooders ready to pounce when they think you have made a mistake. There is no chance for growth or expansion where there is no love.

Its the constant attention to what you lack that keeps you where you are. I can only hope that one of you gets this. Your life will change dramatically. the possibilities are endless.

***Here’s what I wrote:

Hi, This is Rori. I’m so sorry, and I couldn’t let your comment go through like this, because, as insightful and well written as it is, and despite the great ideas in it – it doesn’t follow the guidelines of what we’re actually doing here on the blog.

Would you consider rewriting it and reposting it?

Here’s how it works here – the whole blog is centered around being open and vulnerable and speaking the truth from your heart – And to do that, to keep it a safe place, as safe as I can make it – we all speak from the “I” position – using what I call “Feeling Messages.”

This means you’re sharing your feelings and experiences – NOT using the word “you,” – and not giving advice (except for me and other coaches posting here) and/or making judgments of ANY kind.

In other words – this isn’t a forum where you give opinions and have judgments. I miss some of that, yes, but basically, there are no advice-giving and judgment leveling allowed.

Judgment is totally the opposite of acceptance and self-love, and if we can’t love, have compassion for, be curious about, and have no judgment of others, then we surely don’t much love ourselves either.

Also – judging and thinking are all masculine qualities, and we’re about developing our feminine energies (you can read all over the blog what I think those are).

If you’re willing to take a look at how often you use the word “you” – and instead replace it with how YOU feel about yourself, and what makes sense to you – I would welcome you with open arms. If you don’t like my work – that’s fine, and so I wouldn’t be for you, and my blog wouldn’t be a place you want to be. Let me know how you’d like to proceed….

****

Also – sometimes things get heated

Someone gives advice, and someone takes it personally and it feels like an attack. And then attack-mode sort of takes over. I try to jump in quickly, and several women on the blog are watching out for this and let me know personally in case I miss it.

When this happens, I know it’s SO easy to react to defensively. We all instinctively want to defend.

And defensiveness does NOT serve ANY of us (certainly not me). So, please, if you catch anything here that doesn’t feel right, let me or Dominique or Daria or Starla or Feminine Woman, or any of the women you see posting here regularly know you’re feeling uncomfortable and we’ll work to sort it out.

Whatever you do when you want to “react” to something you see here – take the time to re-read these guidelines and USE your feelings and this blog to PRACTICE with!

That’s what we’re all here for – to practice.

TECHNICAL COPYRIGHT RULE:

I get into serious copyright trouble if anyone prints articles by someone else on this blog as a comment. (When I print guest posts – I get absolute permission from the writer.)  So…

I’d appreciate it if you’d do it this way:

*If you receive a letter from a relationship expert, or read a great blog post of theirs – PLEASE don’t copy and paste it whole into a comment – instead:

1. Choose a few lines to quote, put it in quote marks, and then…

2. Link to the page on the site where you found the article or post or letter.

3. If it’s a newsletter, and it’s not to be found on a site you can link to, then use your favorite quotes (just a few lines, please) and add a link to the writer’s website if you like, or just no link.

Thank you so much, I appreciate your sticking to this rule…

(If you ever want to print one of MY articles or letters on some other site – feel free, just please put in a link back to the blog or the site – that would be great for all of us!)

Love, Rori

2 Comments

  1.  #1Jane on May 29, 2016 at 12:27 am

    Question: Not sure if anyone has had this problem with feeling messages. Sometimes when I’m going back and forth with my husband and using feeling messages, he will abruptly respond with, “Well, I’m sorry YOU feel that way.” We listened to a Wayne Dyer self help thing many years ago that basically said we aren’t responsible for how others feel and when someone tries to make their anger our problem, we could say, “Im sorry you feel that way.” The self help was more talking about when someone doesn’t like changes your making or things you are doing, you’re not responsible for their resentment towards you and what they think about you isn’t any of your business. I understand that concept however I feel the feeling messages are different. I’m not accusing him and I’m not saying, “You made me feel mad when you did xyz.” However, I often find myself stuck when in a heated discussion and my husband wants me to give him instructions or make a decision or tell him what to do. Sometimes he outright calls me out on using feeling messages, although he knows nothing about this program.. Sometimes he even has responded with,” It doesn’t matter how you feel, what do you think?” Does anyone else have this problem? When he apathatically says, “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.” Sometimes I respond with, “Me too. I don’t like feeling (insert feeling) It doesn’t feel good.” Another time I was stressed and I said, “I just feel like I have so much said, “When I am asked questions and feeling vulnerable and expressing how I feel and someone dismissively tells me they are sorry I feel a certain way, I feel disconnected and when I feel disconnected, I feel like withdrawing.” I withdrew and backed out of the room, but he angrily followed me and I eventually just got frustersted and flustered and couldn’t go any more rounds and went back to my old ways of communicating as that was clearly what I felt pressured into doing- explaining myself and saying what I think and all that…..Any tips on how to navigate this and stay on track with feeling messages? Also another question is how do I respond when he does say how he feels? You teach us men are to be the thinking ones, but what do we do when they are speaking in feeling messages?



  2.  #2Rori Raye on June 3, 2016 at 3:30 pm

    Jane, This is a brilliant question, and I’d like to take it as a blog post and answer it there! Basically, it sounds from your letter that you’re resisting giving him the information he needs. You may keep saying you feel hungry – but he wants to know what you feel like EATING – WHERE you feel like going! And that’s all part of the “Scripting!” If it’s getting “heated” – there’s something not going right – as soon as you notice that, check to see if you’re leaning forward, backing off, shutting down…Love, Rori



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