Happy 2017!

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This is my traditional New Year’s post – and I’d love to create something new with your help….Do you have any traditions for the New Year that feel great for you?

I’d LOVE to put together a post, or a report that has New Years rituals and traditions – goddess ones, shaman ones – things that YOU do that make you feel good! You can put them as comments here, and I’ll copy them off and put them together into a piece! I’ll use the names you use here if that’s okay….

I have a New Year’s Resolution for us all this year – and that resolution is: NO MORE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS!

It just feels all wrong to me.

A “Resolution” seems like something I’d write down for myself to do – or TELL myself to do – that I just DON’T WANT to do.

Like never eating chocolate. Or walking a certain distance or exercising a certain way every day.

The moment my brain hears that “have to” attached to the “resolution” I can FEEL it grating in my mind.

I feel ANNOYED.

And yet, there are so many things I want for myself that I want to find some way to mark them down and get them for myself.

Does this sound familiar to you?

So, what is it YOU want?

If you’re like I was when my relationships weren’t going the way I wanted them to, what you want more than anything is to love, to be loved, and live in “Happy Ever After” forever.

You’ve made “Resolutions” and plans, and suffered and tried to make things happen.

After years of trial-and-error, I finally DID get what I wanted – Happy Ever After. And so can you.

And I’d like to get it for you so much FASTER than the years it took me.

So, if “Resolutions” don’t feel right – what would work better?

Intentions

One of my favorite words, the one that gets me into an easy, receiving, and yet active and just plain good-feeling place is the word “Intend.”

If I “Intend” to do something or have something, the feeling of it is more than a wish, and yet not a real “have to.”

It just means, if I so CHOOSE, I can do that thing or have that thing.

And the nasty voice in my head stays much quieter when I “Intend” instead of “Resolve.”

New Year’s Eve, about 3 months before my husband proposed, was not a happy time for me.

In fact, at the stroke of midnight, dressed up in party clothes and hoping for a lifelong commitment to come out of my then “live-in boyfriend’s” mouth, what I got from him instead was the “I’m not ready” speech.

Instead of “I love you” and let’s get married, I got “I’m not ready.”

I remember being devastated, furious, and half- crazy with confusion.

All I could think was “What do I do now?” Hardly a great time for a resolution.

What I “resolved” at that moment was “To get him to commit to me,” and all that did was push him further away for about a month.

When I finally realized that what I was doing to bring this man – a man I’d been SO SURE of – closer to me and closer to wanting to commit to me, I tried something different.

Instead of “resolving” anything, I just told myself that I’d be OKAY. No matter what.

I see now that I’d “set an Intention” to be “Okay.”

It wasn’t a huge statement to make to myself, but it was all I could manage.

And it was enough to get me started in the right direction.

It got me to Intend to DO some things for MYSELF that would help me be – not just Okay – but sensational, terrific, thrilled, happy, and married.

So, let’s try this new Tool for New Year’s:

THE FUTURE LETTER

Instead of “Resolving” to get your relationship on track and do what it takes to get him across the finish line or to find that special, perfect man who’s right for you, let’s make it as if it’s really, already happened!

Let’s write a Future Letter to ourselves.

Here’s how:

Get out a piece of paper, or on your computer’s fine.

Date this letter one year from now – New Year’s 2010.

You’ll be writing this letter to yourself (or write to ME if you’d like – I’ll read it and hold the space for you to have this fabulous year you’re going to write about)…so you’ll start with “Dear (your name) or Dear Rori…

Now, think of exactly what you want for yourself in this next year, and exactly how it’s going to go – EVERYTHING you want.

Write about money – write EXACTLY how much money you want coming in every month, where that money will be coming from, and EXACTLY how you’re going to spend it.

Don’t be stingy with your imagination here – make it a LOT of money, but something your brain will see as DO-ABLE, not just a fantasy.

Make it a high salary for someone with your kind of job, and make it a job in an environment you enjoy…

Make it up so it feels GOOD.

And then write about all the LOVE, ROMANCE AND RELATIONSHIP you want to experience in 2010.

And let’s set another rule here for that – let’s make it about the BIG PICTURE.

Instead of making it about the boyfriend you have who’s causing you pain now, or the man you have a crush on who isn’t paying you enough attention now, or your husband who’s going through some hard times and making your life unhappy now – let’s make it about what would feel GOOD.

How does that look for you?

Make it about a man with a movie star face – not a specific man, but imagine how it is he holds you – how he touches you, what his face looks like when he smiles at you.

Imagine getting attention and love without WORKING for it.

Imagine getting great sex AND friendship – all together instead of just one or the other.

Imagine feeling respected and loved, and imagine feeling SECURE and COMMITTED.

And as you’re imagining all this, now comes the IMPORTANT PART:

I want you to imagine that this has ALREADY HAPPENED!

You’ve dated the letter a year from now, so I want you to write about all this great stuff as if you’re looking BACK at how it happened and how it felt while it was happening, and how it feels NOW to have EXACTLY what you want.

Write about other things, too.

Write about the FUN you had – perhaps you went on a vacation with your wonderful man.

Perhaps you got a financial bonus from work, or your business took off and got so much more successful, or you got the job you always wanted.

Perhaps your self-esteem took a huge leap and you can see how your confidence has been building over this year you’re writing about.

Perhaps a phenomenal man just dropped from the sky, knew you were the one for him right away, and it’s been heaven-on-earth ever since.

Perhaps you were surprised, out-of-the-blue, by a proposal for the totally committed relationship you’ve always wanted.

Perhaps all health issues have cleared up, all depression’s gone, and you can look back over this year and hear your own self LAUGHING.

I’m going to write my own letter today, and paste it on my office wall to remind me every moment that this is the life I EXPECT to have in the coming year – because this is the way it has – in my letter – ALREADY HAPPENED.

I’m going to write about YOU, and how you’ve had an incredible year, and how you’ve found a magnificent, committed relationship so fast, and how amazing it feels to me to know I’ve helped you in some way, and that we’ve been able to talk, you and I, through your emails and my eletters and programs.

This might sound like a fantasy exercise, but the truth is – our brains don’t know the difference.

If we tell ourselves that something is true – and especially if we WRITE it down – our minds believe it just as if it IS true.

That’s how we all mow down our self-esteem by telling ourselves icky things about ourselves.

Our minds believe the icky thoughts, and then our confidence goes down the tubes, and then those things we only TOLD ourselves were true start to LOOK true in our lives.

If we tell ourselves we don’t deserve any more love and commitment than we’re getting right now – we tend to attract and be attracted to men who WON’T be giving us the love and commitment we want and actually DO deserve.

If we tell ourselves we don’t deserve any more love and commitment than we’re getting right now – we tend to push away any love our man DOES want to give us, and then everything in the relationship gets worse.

And why do we all tend to do this? To sell ourselves short and undermine our own success?

Because we’ve been TAUGHT to do life this way. We’ve been told things like “Don’t get your hopes up.”

And we’ve been told that having dreams and believing they’ll come true is “stuck up,” and being “conceited,” and that we need to “get over ourselves.”

We’ve been told we’re “lucky” to have a man.

That good man are “few,” and that good relationships are “hard.”

We’ve been taught to have low expectations so that we don’t disappoint ourselves.

Even when we catch ourselves imagining that something will turn out great – we stop ourselves.

As if believing in ourselves and that we can have EXACTLY what we want in life and in our relationship isn’t the right way to think.

And all that is just WRONG.

The TRUTH is just the opposite.

The more you believe in yourself, the greater your chances for having what you want.

We all know how awful it feels when we have high hopes for something that doesn’t work out.

Like when we REALLY like that man we went out with and can practically see ourselves in our wedding dress, and then he never calls again.

When these things happen, we sometimes blame not only ourselves for not sewing up the man – but we blame even the DESIRE for those things.

As if it was the WANTING of those things that made it all go bad.

And that’s NOT what happened.

What helps make things go bad is the “vibe” we create around our wanting of that thing – and when that vibe starts to feel like desperation and need – like “I have to have that man or I’ll die,” or “If he doesn’t call again, I’ll be destroyed,” THAT’S how we can sabotage ourselves.

So, what the man who’s been dating you for days, or weeks, or months or years “gets” from you can be either your HIGH opinion of yourself, along with your DESIRE for the part or for a relationship, or your LOW opinion of yourself, along with your NEED for the part or for HIM.

And which one do you think is most likely to get you what you want?

So with this Future Letter, you’re telling yourself that: Not only is it OKAY to dream BIG and want what you want, but that dreaming BIG is the WAY to GET what you want.

So tell it all.

Make it like a script to a movie about your year that you’ve ALREADY SEEN.

Make your movie a triumph of personal power and confidence.

On the day you date this letter – January 1st 2010 – make it so it’s all already happened.

Look back on 2009 and see all the steps you took to make it happen, all the Rori Raye Tools you used and how they worked for you like magic.

See yourself HAPPY every step of the way.

I’ll be writing my Future Letter tonight, and would love to read yours, too.

Remember to make it GOOD! And remember to write it as though it’s all already happened, just the way you want it.

Love to you, and the next time we talk, we’ll both be living in this great, new, beautifully imagined and ALREADY SUCCESSFUL new year.

Love, Rori

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10 Comments

  1.  #1Millie on January 9, 2017 at 12:18 am

    Happy New Year Sirens! I miss the blog and all of you! Where is everyone?!
    I love the idea of writing a future letter to yourself. This year I am COMMITTED to ME!! Committed to being the best me and believing in myself 100%! I cannot afford to spend any more time not believing in myself, in the pool of doubt, worry, and self-loathing. I’ve been saying that for years… but I’m 30 now and the time is now to truly love all that is me and fully put my energy in living.

    I’m not dating anyone at the moment. I was seeing someone for about five months and just ended things, well we are “taking a break.” The deal breaker for me was a few things.. He has PTSD from a really horrible accident he endured and told me 5 months in that he felt it was unfair to ask me to be his girlfriend knowing he needed to see someone to help him with his mental condition, but that he sees a future with me. This felt confusing to hear, because if you see a future with someone wouldn’t you do what it took to keep them?? The word “unfair” also makes it sound like he doesn’t think he deserves me, which is a bit of a turnoff. It’s kind of like saying “I can’t give you what you want right now, but I might later, so it’s your choice if you want to hang around and take what I give you.” I don’t know… any thoughts on that? Things had been building, I also didn’t FEEL like he was really there for me, I’m sure a lot had to do with his issues, but him making that statement was like him opening the door for me to walk out as far as I was concerned. He also did not make any plans for us for new years, and as trivial as that may sound, I had expressed to him how I would have loved to have a romantic new years eve and that is was a special night for me. He said it was just another day and did not step up. I made other plans and he kind of threw it back at me. I just began to feel like we weren’t compatible. I want a man who cherishes my feelings and even if new years feels like just another day to him… knowing it was special to me would be motive to at least DO something! My go to feelings after a relationship ends is blaming myself, and of course I see conversations and moments I could have handled better, been in more of my feminine, but at the end of the day, I didn’t want to continue casually dating (and sleeping) with someone who really wasn’t stepping up. I began to feel like I was taking crumbs and no matter how much appreciation I gave of his masculine efforts, his own feelings towards himself blocked him from being happy. So where we are at is he is getting help and we are taking a break.

    I feel more determined than ever to circular date and be the star of my own “bachelorette” show.

    Hoping 2017 will be my year for love. Cross your fingers sirens! xo



  2.  #2Millie on January 9, 2017 at 12:37 am

    OH! I want to add a couple things to the above post..

    One is that I wasn’t looking to be his girlfriend. I am looking for THE ONE.
    At about 3 1/2″ months in he started to get distant, I told him I felt distant from him and we had an intimate night where he shared many details about how he feels about his accident and overall life. They were very scary to me, but I appreciated him revealing this. He had been the masculine role in the relationship from day 1, but after his PTSD getting triggered, it’s almost as if the roles switched. I was leaning back enjoying my life and he dropped the ball on making plans with me. I let the ball drop. I did not pick it up. He then sent me a very long text message that communicated his frustration that I only reply in response to him, I don’t make plans with him, and that I’m very busy with my life need to think seriously if I want to date him. I felt so confused by this message and got very angry actually. I felt kind of crazy explaining the dating process to him of a man courting woman and how I am old-fashioned and do not want to chase a man who has not asked me for a commitment. He understood, but I felt like I “out-manned” him in my anger. I felt like I was doing what a feminine woman should do and his frustration at me was so confusing. Anyway, on top of it he had told me every woman he has ever been with has cheating on him. So, every time I went out.. there were a lot of questions from him, not him asking me out though.. it was strange. So, I asked him if he was scared of asking me for a commitment, because then if I saw another man it really would be cheating, and that’s when he said No, I haven’t asked you to be my gf because I feel like it’s unfair to you with me being in this mental condition without treatment.

    Anyway, just wanted to make it clear that girlfriend status wasn’t my ultimate goal.
    We’ll see what happens!



  3.  #3Femininewoman on January 14, 2017 at 4:16 am

    Hi Millie. Ultimate goal terminology kind of rattled in my head. Just yesterday I was speaking with a male colleague and he was telling me he is 1o years married. I told him he was the last person I expected to get married. He said his girlfriend just said we should get married and he said “ok”.



  4.  #4Grace on January 14, 2017 at 9:53 am

    I feel so frustrated with this blog. Ever since the design change, I haven’t been able to get to the most recent posts with any browser on any computer anywhere except a) when it’s first posted in my Google cards or b) when I know a keyword from having read it in my Google cards (like “2017” for this post) and can remember it and do a Google search for it.

    Ever since the Trainwreck post, that is the only post that shows up on top when I go to blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com no matter which computer or device or browser, and I’ve tried at least 10 different ones. No refreshing, clearing the cache, nothing, will bring up a more recent post. Also, if I click on a recent comment, I’m directed to the post but the comment isn’t there.

    Grrr.



  5.  #5April Rose on January 19, 2017 at 2:45 pm

    Rori

    See above comment from Grace. I am having the same issues.

    plum



  6.  #6Millie on January 21, 2017 at 10:41 pm

    Hi Femininewoman,
    I don’t get it…



  7.  #7Grace on February 11, 2017 at 6:42 pm

    FeminineWoman, just want to let you know…two days ago I was talking to a CD and told him if he really feels and thinks the way he says he does, he should totally ask me to be his girlfriend (I was thinking of the story you shared above).
    He did, in grand style and we are both happy and content. 🙂
    With a few hours I was in the ER and he got an Uber to take us so no worries about leaving my side or parking, he stayed by my side and chatted and cheered up every person we encountered, for TWELVE hours. By discharge time we had both been awake for over 24 hours straight and he took me to his place where I passed out. He washed my clothes, went to the store to get special breakfast food for me, made me tea, woke me up in the morning with coffee in bed.

    I am a super-spoiled kitty…

    FeminineWoman also, I stayed at his house in his guest room last week. He had mentioned to me a few times that he would really really really love to wake up to me cuddling him. I felt really resistant to doing this, because I didn’t want to play the fancy roll. After a couple of days in this, I heard your imagined voice in my head, and I thought of you telling Tee way back to give him what he wants. I mean, the man was bending over backwards to make me happy and make me feel comfortable and loved and cared for. So I did, I went in the morning and woke him up cuddling and I found my heart open up more to him. So thank you. 🙂



  8.  #8Grace on February 11, 2017 at 7:17 pm

    *fantasy role, lol.



  9.  #9Indigo on February 17, 2017 at 6:53 am

    Grace & April Rose, I have been having the same issues with the blog. I haven’t seen any new posts since early December last year.

    Millie #1

    In my experience, when a guy, or anyone, says that something is “unfair” on you, it means they don’t want to have to deal with the guilt because they know they cannot give you what you want or deserve. It is both a selfish and unselfish statement. We all want to make the people we care about happy. When we can’t do that, we feel badly about ourselves, so we’d rather not be in that situation. It’s the same with most guys who don’t commit. They’d rather not have to deal with your unmet expectations day in and day out.

    That new year’s eve incident you described is a fairly classic case of behaviour for a guy like this. He knows you’d like to have had plans together for new year’s, but he’d rather not get your hopes up and build up your expectations so he’ll pretend that new year’s doesn’t really mean anything to him. When he’s actually ready to be in a relationship, all of a sudden he’ll be happy to celebrate new year’s as a couple. Trust me.

    If a guy says that it would be unfair to you to be in a relationship with him, believe him. He’s telling you that he cannot meet your needs or expectations. When he IS ready to be in a relationship, you won’t be wondering or asking these types of questions; he’ll be the one beating down your door to do something on NYE.



  10.  #10Tazzy on February 19, 2017 at 2:01 pm

    I am heartbroken after breaking up with my boyfriend of 1 ½ years on Valentine’s Day. I found out he was “just hanging out” with another woman after he told me he forgot what day it was and was still at work. It was the lies that prompted me to end it, not the other woman because I feel if I had been disciplined and stuck to Rory’s teachings, I would have got him back where we were in 2015 or even better. I first felt him pull away a little in April 2016 after I left the business we started together and went back to work on my own. It was at it’s worst in June. While I was lying next to him in bed, he received a text from a client asking him if he was “okay after today?” I thought maybe he got hurt while working on her house and didn’t tell me. He said it was about his mother’s meeting with the her doctor’s and social workers at which I was present. The first things he said to me was she was a nurse so they talked about his mom and she was short and fat and I had nothing to worry about. Ding ding ding! I felt him start coming back in July, but that text never sat well with me. When the cell phone bill came out, I discovered they exchanged 600 emails that month, but then it stopped. I also found out there were two other women he texted. From what I figured out, one women instigated the texting and it just kind of snowballed from there. He said at the time he was mad at me so he texted inappropriately with other women but that was all it was and nothing more happened, and it wouldn’t happen again. While I was still deciphering how I felt about this, his mother died August 1st. That brought us closer together for the short term. I started working in the company again, I cleaned his mother apartment. Her stuff is still stored in my garage. But in October, we had a disagreement. While I was at the movies with my mother, he sent me a text that he was going to his dad’s. He then said he needed a few days. He was gone a week. When he came back, we decided we would continue the relationship, but he would move out. We felt we had moved in together too quickly after our divorces. In fact, even though he had filed for a divorce several months before I did, my divorce was finalized before his was. We have known each other for nearly 30 years. We were already both separated and divorces filed before we began seeing each other, but his ex fought for as long as she could-2 years. They have no children together, and she does not live anywhere near us). So yes, I know that is mistake number 1. So back to what precipitated our breakup. Before he moved out, I saw a facebook message from one of his elementary and Junior high school friends, whom I have met, saying she appreciated the posts he shared about grieving for his mother and his weekly visits to the cemetary. She said it really helped her and others and she loved him. I just let it go as if I was saying the same thing to a life long friend after something difficult. In November, he attended a small gathering at her house. He never drinks more than an occasional glass of wine, but at that party, he got completely wasted. They all were. He had also called me earlier complaining that the other were smoking pot, something else he doesn’t approve of. He left the house drunk, called me and told me he was sick. I asked if he could get back to her house and he said no. I went to pick him up. After I got him back to his place, I picked up his phone to text her that he got home ok, and saw a text from a few weeks earlier where he told her he was crazy about her and she deserved to be happy. Blah blah blah! But after the drunken night, he said he wasn’t going to be around any of that crowd anymore, and he wasn’t until late January. We had had another disagreement. So what does he do, he takes her out to dinner after canceling our date that had been scheduled the previous Saturday. Now since he moved out and I started studying Rory’s material, I haven’t been considering us to be as committed as we were. I knew we both has some things we needed to work out before we could actually work our way back. But he got mad at me for going out to lunch with a mutual friend who had invited both of us. So when he asked if we were alone, I asked if he was alone with ________ when they had dinner Wednesday night? He hung up, but started texted me a few days later. We already had plans for the weekend before Valentine’s Day so we kept those plans. We had a great weekend. It was fun and relaxed. On Valentine’s Day, he texted me that he forgot the day, he felt bad, but he was working. Since we didn’t have any plans, I didn’t expect anything anyway. But then I found out he was “hanging out” with her that evening. I told him I was taking myself out of the picture. I didn’t deserve to be lied to. The problem is, I know why he acts the way he does. I know the guilt and problems his mother laid on him going all the way back to when he was young. I feel like I didn’t have the tools I needed to deal with that damage until I started studying the programs, but I didn’t put them into practice as I should have yet. Even though I first started back in October, it takes practice. And honestly, when we’ve been together since he moved out in October, we haven’t fought with the exception of a misunderstanding right before Christmas and then the last 2 weeks. But now I have to move on, and even though I am working and preparing to go out and move on, it is so hard. I still feel like all the adventures we had and plans we made are not finished. I’ve been distracting myself with learning the guitar, watching old movies (something he didn’t like), working, getting back into photography, and concentrating on my sons. It hasn’t even been a week yet, but I’ve been busy. I see all the ways Rory has taught us about how we push and how they react. I’ve seen it all. I used to think it was just him, but she opened my eyes. I was so angry at him for so long that I know he felt it. I’m still trying to let go of it all. I am hoping to be able to write back some day with a great happy story. Until then…