Give Up to Get to Your Happy Ever After

Untitled design (14)

Here’s a situation Rachel is enduring – and it’s a place we’ve ALL been:

“Rori,  I need advice in an area of relationship drama that I am unfamiliar with. Ever since my break up with my exboyfriend many months ago, I feel like I’ve been in a damaging cycle.

I wanted him back so badly. I tried cutting off contact, I tried making him jealous, I tried to forget him, then I tried being friends in hopes it would lead to more. I told him I wanted to be back together (bargaining), everything. It all cycled back to us not being together.

Now, I feel so hopeless and sad, and i’m finally trying to just let go. Just give up any hopes.

This seems more painful then any of the rest, thinking that we do not have a future. But I feel like its the only thing to do , and that I cannot “make” anything happen or “control” another person. And that any attempts have just driven him away further. I need advice in the matter of just “giving up”. I find myself very depressed over the matter, and I do have to work with him. I dont know how I’m going to move on when I work with him, and I don’t know how to handle having to interact with him at work. All I wanted was for us to have another chance, but it seems that I have no clue what path leads to that. I just continue to further that possibility by desiring it so much, and I’m left with unbearable pain. Rachel”

Here’s my answer:

Rachel – You’ve invested yourself, and it didn’t work out.

As a “diva” (my Targeting Mr. Right program will help you so much) – you would not let this happen to you and you would NOT be chasing him.

If a man doesn’t want you – you WALK.

That’s the simple answer.

Your pain is something else entirely to deal with – and has NOTHING to do with him “fixing” that for you.

You have to fix this by Circular Dating and opening yourself to other men.

Pain is part of the process.

I do not regret having loved ANYONE, and I want to help you feel that way, too.

So – “Giving Up” is the way to go here, you’re totally right, and it’s your fastest ticket to feeling better.

Giving Up.

Sounds bad, doesn’t it?  But it’s not. It’s giving up our pressing, urgent need to MAKE THIS HAPPEN, NOW – at ANY price!!!

We have to give that up in order to experience what actually IS coming TOWARD us.

If we focus on making things happen, and doing, and changing a man’s behavior so we can have what we believe we want –  we completely miss the opportunities that show up for us to actually HAVE what we want.

So – this is about having instead of trying. Receiving instead of working. Yes, you may have to switch men. You may not be able to zero in on any one man.

Small price to pay, in my book.

What you’ll “get” – as soon as you truly HAVE love – is that this feeling of love and romance has to do with YOU, and what’s inside YOU – and has almost nothing to do with the man you’re doing love WITH.

Requirements for a man to do relationship with – he has to be ABLE, he has to love you (not just “say” he does), and willing to do his half of the challenges of relationship.

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Aminata on June 28, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    This is a good reminder. Not investing one’s self into any man unless you are committed/married. In my book married. Doing that was my biggest mistake/ I’ll remember to avoid that investment as I circular date.

  2.  #2lm on June 28, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    having a great relationship with myself helped me to give up on the non-committal moody man in my life. i started talking to myself as though i was the love of my life, not someone outside myself and stopped worrying about him. he was NOT HAPPY. but i don’t care that much anymore. i sometimes feel guilty about this, but then i remember that i want the real deal…

  3.  #3Jilly on June 28, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    I absolutely love this!! I feel power and hope when I read this. I will have to read it over and over lol….even though I circular date I still seem to invest more with the men I’m more attracted to…and I don’t want to do that…It creates an anxious unrelaxed feeling in me

  4.  #4gina on June 28, 2010 at 3:42 pm

    Yay!! I’m in a happy relationship! We have been dating a few weeks. He knows that I want happily ever after and that I want to be a mom soon and that I want a husband who is a provider, and he is super excited about all of it. He says I drive him crazy (in a good way) and that I’m everything he ever wanted. He’s told his sister and friends about me, and last night he invited me out to party with his boss and coworkers and he was showing me off like crazy. we have a fun “friendship”, and also a super sexy connection. I like the way he thinks and the way he treats people. I’ve taken crazy risks with him cause I feel safe. We had sex in a pool with people nearby… yesterday, I brought him a knee brace and an icy hot pad to his work cause I knew his knee was hurting him – I feel comfortable giving to him cause he is always giving me more and more, so I could never possibly catch up to his giving. He asked me what I told my friend about him, and I told him the truth – stuff about how good and safe I feel with him, and also how much I like his penis and I even told him that I said I want to have his babies!!! He said “wow…no one has ever said that to me before. Wow. I guess it isn’t something I feel quite ready to plan right now, but I like the idea, and if that were to happen I would absolutely be right there with you. And it feels amazing to hear you say that.”
    And I’m still flirting up a storm with everybody else. Woo hoo!

  5.  #5Laughing goddess on June 28, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    I feel good reading this post. I have experienced the truth of it personally.

    I felt so horrible in my past two relationships where I was holding on so tight to men who clearly told me they did not want me. When I finally felt unable to handle any more pain, I gave up and decided to fall in love with myself and life.

    I decided to focus on connecting with the universal creative energy that I know created my lover, myself, and everything else in the universe. I decided to connect with my yet unknown to me lover’s spirit. I felt certain he was out there and I figured I could at least connect with his spirit, his energy. I imagined him woo-ing with nature. I imagined that he was the one who caused the wildflowers to grow on the side of the road, that he was carressing me when the wind would blow on my skin. I felt my lover’s energy in my day to day activities and even though I hadn’t met him yet, I knew he was nearby and thinking of me too.

    Then I met him easily and effortlessly and every day I have been with him since, he has treated me like a queen. I have felt challenged sometimes accepting all this love. I have found myself wanting to flee and instead pine over an unavailable man.

    But I am getting more and more comfortable with being loved. And I still interact with those two men whom I chased for so long, and I feel so relieved that romantic relationship didn’t work out with either of them. I can see now that they were not the best match for me.

    I feel hopeful that by sharing my story I can help some siren out there to let go. It really is the only way.

    Much love!

  6.  #6dorothea on June 28, 2010 at 4:48 pm

    I think there’s another side to this giving up business.

    For me the greatest leap in giving up was giving up wanting to please him and keep him happy by not “pressing” the issue of what *i* want.

    i don’t feel bad for having boundaries. i don’t feel bad for getting mad. i don’t feel bad for feeling sad or upset when i don’t like something.

    Being true to myself in this way, which felt totally counterintuitive at first, has done wonders for my love life.

  7.  #7tallgirl10 on June 28, 2010 at 4:50 pm

    I can’t wait!

  8.  #8Turtle Girl on June 28, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    “If a man does not want you-you walk”

    The absolute best advise ever when it comes to relationships.

    My ex toxic man did not want me-except on his terms, which were abusive and degrading.

    No more-ever.

    New guys showing up are way better. There is one who is so into me my girlfriend said that he glows when he is in my presence. I have to now decide what to do about it—-which is nothing.
    I am still dating. If he steps up-good-if not-oh well.

    I have an art show that was fantastic. I am into me right now. My life, my wants, my needs, my divaness
    my goddess-ness, my learning to be a feeling creature who is soft and strong. It is working so well that men who I thought dropped off the map weeks ago are writing to me again-when I just leaned back and let go. They pop up and want to stay in touch. When I do not care-they come back.
    When I care too much, they run away. This shit has to be DNA wired into us. It blows my mind and is such a trip. Wow.

    Rori you are brilliant.

  9.  #9Angela on June 28, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    “”What you’ll “get” – as soon as you truly HAVE love – is that this feeling of love and romance has to do with YOU, and what’s inside YOU – and has almost nothing to do with the man you’re doing love WITH.””

    This is the best sentance I have read in a long time. I empathise with the original writers pain, as I am in a similar situation. When you are so in love with someone, it is so hard to circular date others…. But if we think of all our past loves, at some point we have probably felt they were the loves of our lives… and still we got over them enough to fall in love again… Thank you for writing that Rori! what a powerful statement!

  10.  #10Siena on June 28, 2010 at 6:17 pm

    I received an email today from The Man (the boyfriend who broke up with me before I got to Siren Island), telling me the reasons he broke up with me, and that he still feels sad about it (6 months later) and that he is unavailable for a relationship with me because of who he is – not because of anything that was wrong between us.

    I feel good in my response to him. I was loving, but very clear about what I want and need in a man – not just the guy, but the guy who can do relationship, and wants to do it with me.

    Amazingly, I wrote it this morning, before I read this post from Rori.

    It occurs to me that the reason I attracted him before Siren Island was because I was not clear on the type of woman I was, and I was not clear… **absolutely clear** … that I don’t want and need the MAN, I want and need the RELATIONSHIP with the man.

    There’s a huge difference to me between the two.

    He’s a wonderful man, but I met him at a time when I was afraid of intimacy, so I attracted someone who was not available for intimacy.

    Now that I’ve been very clear with him and am very clear within myself about what I want and need, I wonder what will happen? Will he drop off the radar, or will he step up?

    In an energetic sense… I was at a different frequency back then. I wonder if the breakup was because we were at different frequencies then, and now it might work… or not.

    In any case, I don’t need to do anything. Just remain feminine and warm and open.


  11.  #11Siena on June 28, 2010 at 6:36 pm

    “he is unavailable for a relationship with me because of who he is – not because of anything that was wrong between us. ”

    Well, I want to be totally honest here. He is unavailable, and he wasn’t 100% attracted to me (which would be something wrong between us).

    I know now that he wasn’t 100% attracted to me because I was hanging out in my masculine energy a lot around him.

    He also told me that I am the woman he’s always dreamed of, and that we have the type of connection that is needed for a strong lifelong relationship. But that the total attraction was missing for him.

    All well and good, but it doesn’t matter unless he has a plan.

    We’ll see… I’m still feeling really good with #1CD, and have another CD lined up.

    Just remaining open and receiving whatever is meant to come to me.

  12.  #12aprilshowers on June 28, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    OMG! Rori is psychic. I literally just said, “I give up” right before I clicked on the blog. I was going to write Rori a message saying just that. I’ve been practicing the tools, CDing, doing feeling messages, practicing on every man I see, to no avail.

    I felt exhausted and exasperated and literally threw my hands up and said, “I give up!” I feeling resigned to living a life alone, and trying not to feel especially lonely.

    What a pleasant surprise to read I should “give up to get my happily ever after”!

  13.  #13Jilly on June 28, 2010 at 7:54 pm

    Gina…that is awesome…keep us posted!

    Turtle Girl…i agree it has to be in the DNA or something..when I care…they run…when I could care less…they stick around…what the hell!!!!

    So there are some men that will ask me out but that’s where it stops! No making the plans for when or where??? What the hell is that? I will not pick up the slack…and I’m trying not to “figure” it out but it does make me wonder. Why would they ask me on a date and then leave it at that??

    tallgirl….how are things going for you?

  14.  #14Jilly on June 28, 2010 at 7:56 pm

    laughing goddess…so you actually have this man in person now???? he’s the real deal??? 😉

  15.  #15dorothea on June 28, 2010 at 8:10 pm

    I am feeling so good and goddessy sitting on the couch in my LI’s apartment as he is preparing a delicious bbq meal for me. i felt insecure letting him do all the work but when i offered he insisted that i sit here. so here i am, on siren island, feeling soooo sireny and wonderful.

  16.  #16Daria on June 28, 2010 at 8:16 pm

    I’ve given up… on having rigidly high standards of having a man come to me, not calling men and having them take me out somewhere near me.

    I’ve been calling men, going out to hang out with them.

    I’ve been having a blast. I don’t feel lonely right now.

    I hung out with men, doing exactly what i wanted to do to fulfill my craving for companionship. Some of the men were still not what I want behavior wise, and that came up … Separately from this.

    Some men I still feel interested in. Some men I Don’t want to drive to their area. A man asked me to the giants game tonite but texted a lot and i don’t Realllhy feel like going so i didn’t follow up.

    A man wants me to take the train and bus with him to a show he’s performing at this Thursday – this actually sounds like FUN!

    I’m meeting lots of people! I told this one guy who I felt mad at to give my number to his friend!!! haha!! and then he actually GOT NICER and didn’t want to do that lol

    I’m totally not concerned with leaning forward cuz I just don’t think I’m going to do that…

    it’s very cool. Actually now thinking back i’ve been receiving a lot of what i want!

    I feel more relaxed about this and happy to not feel lonely and feel like I’ve got stuff going on.

    I also don’t feel like im requiring stuff just for the sake of requiring…

    i feel confused lol but just good

  17.  #17Jilly on June 28, 2010 at 8:26 pm

    yeah Daria…I like that!

  18.  #18Laughing goddess on June 28, 2010 at 9:01 pm

    Jilly: Yes!

    I do have an amazing man right now. I’m not saying it’s always fairy tale picture perfect but it is way way WAY better than my relationships before. It’s like night and day.

  19.  #19dorothea on June 28, 2010 at 9:11 pm

    yay LG nice goddessy un-work!!!

  20.  #20Laughing goddess on June 28, 2010 at 9:45 pm

    Thanks Dorothea! You too!

  21.  #21mary on June 28, 2010 at 9:49 pm

    i’m having a hard time circular dating.

    the guys do not like it, do not understand it and a discussion of my dating habits becomes the sole focus of my time with them.

    i’m not sure how to handle this.

    i keep searching through how i might possibly feel at any given moment during the dates (and i usually feel bored, sad and angry), and try to find something to say about how i’m feeling… it’s very challenging.

    and i listen to what’s going on for them.

    and listen and listen.

    and now i’m tired of listening to this same stuff every week. every date.

    i’ve been accused of stringing them along. ignoring a good thing and never being pleased. giving only 25% (or whatever percentage comes to mind at any given time), and taking rather than giving.

    these are not things i’ve ever been accused of before.

    this is all new. and it’s quite unpleasant.

    why do i keep doing it?

    somewhere in there, deep down, i don’t want to be a girlfriend again. i just don’t. it feels like a no-win place to be.

    so i’m going out with lots of guys.

    it’s fun. i wish they’d just go out with other women too, and we’d all be having fun.

    : )


  22.  #22EternalOptimist on June 28, 2010 at 10:41 pm

    I think this post was meant for me.

    I keep struggling with reaching out to my ex cos I know whenever I do, he responds…then what? I get anxious and sad again. CDing is going well but I can’t get him off my mind. Suddenly I come up with a new idea of how to get him to hang out with me but thanks to this program I haven’t executed any of my “bright” ideas. If I wasn’t on siren island I definitely would have been caught up in that back and forth.
    Now, I just have to GIVE UP!!!! There’s no other way. It’s not meant to be. I need to WALK! completely.

    Keep my focus on me.

    Stick with CDing and especially my #1CD who’s really stepping up (tho I’ve still not been to his house after 4 months). I’ll say something after enjoying his elaborate July 4th plans or maybe then he’ll invite me over.
    We’ll see.

    And I kissed #2 CD yesterday (3rd date) for the first time, it felt really good but I feel guilty as hell. Like I just cheated on someone!
    I guess if I keep doing it, I’ll get used to it and lose the guilt. I see a lot of kissing in my future!!!!!
    With my ex, it was fireworks!!!! I miss that. After the 1st few times we made out, he said “how could any man ever give this up? Your ex hubby and ex b/fs must be fools.” Still he left so I guess he must be a fool.
    I GIVE UP the fool!

  23.  #23EternalOptimist on June 28, 2010 at 11:04 pm

    I don’t bring up the topic of my dating habit or pattern unless the guys asks if I date others or asks to be exclusive so I’ve enjoyed my dates without any such discussion.

    My #1 CD has never asked if I date others nor has he asked me to be exclusive so the topic has never come up. I think he assumes we’re exclusive but like Rori said he can’t just assume it. I don’t care if he’s exclusive with me or not but I feel he is. We are not having sex and haven’t discussed anything relating to it. However recently he asked if we were b/friend and g/friend, I told him that I don’t believe in that. That it puts too much pressure on what we’re doing. That we’re dating. He said he thought it was more than dating. I said we were dating.

    With my #2 CD, it came up indirectly and I told him I date others and he said he did too, end of topic. No details needed.
    I realize the less info I volunteer, the better for all parties concerned. I will not lie if asked though.

    I have no #3 yet. I keep thinking of my ex as my possible #3 but after this post, I think I’ll give it up.

    Regarding the idea of taking from them, I really struggle with that too. My #1 has spent a lot and done a lot and I do feel like giving back. In the past I has an extra ticket to a concert and I invited him but now I want to plan something (like he always always does) and pay for it. He has dropped some hints that make me realize he’d like me to plan sometimes. He knows my feelings regarding that but he does deserve the ocassional treat.
    My #2 still needs to do more before I feel uncomfortable.

    I hope this helps

  24.  #24Maria on June 29, 2010 at 12:06 am

    currently l feel that l dont want to date at all.

  25.  #25Lorelei on June 29, 2010 at 2:03 am

    Dear sirens

    My situation becomes more painful – I express feelings, husband f’eels manipulated’. I’m not getting it all right all the time – I try to limit myself to what happened and how I feel, though sometimes get into more explanations and discussion than Rori would really want me too. I came back from a recent vacation feeling so bad, like the stunned survivor of a shipwreck. And feeling that I am never going to go on a trip with him again (there have been other trips like this, but this one is the last). Despair, desperate. I felt so criticised, over small and large things, petty things. And then criticised for not standing up for myself. He says I would feel better if I did stand up for myself. But if I do stand up for myself, or disagree with his advice for how I behave and conduct myself, I am criticised for being proud, stubborn, wilful, and resistant to good advice. This is the double bind. Damned if I do, and damned if I don’t. Full story on the “Story and Context” thread, if you’re interested.

    Here’s the thing: I’m seriously thinking about leaving my marriage – well, I have decided that I WILL leave if things don’t improve fairly soon. I really can’t stand this for much longer.

    Problem: feeling messages in some ways seem to invite more criticism, e.g. “You don’t have to feel like that/ I can’t make you happy / I can’t live with someone who needs a cocoon.”

    Question: while still under the same roof, will feeling messages, and being soft and receiving (he’s suddenly ‘trying hard’ and has not criticised me for a few days) make him think it’s all OK now? I want to practice the goddess tools regardless of the future outcome, but I’m not sure any more that I care whether we can rekindle the spark. But I’m worried that feeling messages, vulnerability, will invite more criticism again – because I think I see a pattern beginning to emerge here. When I am vulnerable, I seem to be verbally got-at more.

  26.  #26Kath on June 29, 2010 at 5:07 am

    I know where you’re coming from- I have spent the last 2yrs on a rollercoaster but I have done the bad things of reacting to everything he said and then I started to see that I had to focus on me- not him-and not what he was doing to me- so now I have a wonderful way of singing in my head when he starts moaning or being aggressive and grumpy and generally pathetic (because he sees everything as a problem!). I have stood back and really noticed what he’s like- negative, insecure, emotionally unavailable, often cold, thoughtless (I could go on!)- he has just never been taught or learnt the skills to cope with life or to make the best of things- I have and I have now got to a point in my life (in spite of him really) where I am me!!!- I am happy with me- I love me!!- I take care of me (still take care of him but have firm boundaries) I don’t always use the feeling messages because he just doesn’t understand them-so I use some feeling and some firm boundary messages but always said in a nice way and I don’t put him down- Whether he stays and steps up or proves that he just hasn’t got the capabilities really isn’t the issue- what is the issue is that no matter which way it goes- I will be fine!!!!

  27.  #27Lorelei on June 29, 2010 at 5:35 am

    Hi Kath

    Thanks for your input, and your story. I appreciate your emphasis on “I will be fine” no matter what happens. I will survive and I will be fine, even though I feel so in pain – my heart hurts, everything hurts.

    I like the idea of singing in my head even while the crap is coming at me – I’m so into being a good listener, that I take everything he says very seriously. He says I take him too seriously! But then, I want someone who doesn’t play games so that I have to figure out how seriously to take them.

    I’ve spent 15 years on this rollercoaster – from his extreme and extraordinary rudeness to my parents, 3 weeks before our wedding, and cutting me off with a refusal to talk about something on the aeroplane while travelling to see his parents, 6 weeks before the wedding. I remember sitting stunned and speechless for most of the 8 hour flight. The red flags were there but I thought he would never treat me like that. I was so ‘in love’. But I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.

    It sounds like you want to go on with a relationship with your man, as your own strength and sense of self increases and blossoms. I’m terrified of the idea and gruesome realities of separating/divorcing, if it comes to this. But I have reached a point where I don’t know if I even want the tools to work to bring him back again. He has good qualities as well as difficult ones, but I don’t trust him any more, and I cannot trust him with my inner heart at the moment. Not my hopes and dreams.

    I can’t even believe I’m writing like this!! Have just ordered Toxic Men from Rori. Actually, I accidentally ordered two copies, but one Toxic Man is enough!

  28.  #28Lorelei on June 29, 2010 at 5:56 am

    Despite everything, I have sometimes managed to see the waterwheel spinning towards me, and really believe it. I am an artist, and I was approached, unexpectedly, a few months ago by a well-known, very good London gallery about them showing my work. The gallery came after me, and tracked me down with difficulty during a week when my internet server had crashed and I couldn’t receive their emails.

    At the time I felt fabulous, goddess-y, receiving joyfully, like the universe was spilling stuff my way. Yes I’m ready, yes, I deserve this . . .

    Now, I’m finding it incredibly hard to raise my vibe, I feel so appallingly dreadful about my relationship (feeling a failure, still hurt and upset after a week of criticism on vacation, afraid, panic-y, in a lot of pain emotionally and literally physically in my heart, guts, throat etc). I’m so low I can’t get the tools to last or stick – they work while I’m doing them, but then I plunge again.

    And the gallery now wants to meet up, for me to take in some work for them to see, and it’s happening on this Monday!! Eek!! Help!! I am worried that this could slip away from me, they won’t like my work after all etc, especially if I seem low or depressed.

    Once I am stronger, I hope to bring more to the party on here. But for now, please, would you root for me while I try to get my vibe and my energy up for Monday. I’m using the Waterwheel tool, and the Purpose on Planet tool, and the singing in head/disrupt negative thoughts tool in particular. I don’t want to meet the gallery manager and the gallery owner feeling so low and weepy, even though I can spring into professional mode as well, and my boy energy kicks in with my career stuff. But I would love to touch my goddess energy again so that it starts to spill over by next Monday . . .

  29.  #29Jennifer on June 29, 2010 at 6:19 am

    “Um…………….I feel freaked out. Totally Freaked out. My Eharmony matches just showed up in my inbox. My Judo instructor is in there!!!!!!
    I dunno what to do about this. Do I need to do anything about this?
    OMG! I feel freaked out.

  30.  #30Jilly on June 29, 2010 at 6:24 am

    mary or lucy…how do you if someone is hiding their profile on pof? and what does it really mean if they put you on their favorites list but never try and actually talk to you? what is that?

    I’m getting tired of dating lol

  31.  #31mary on June 29, 2010 at 7:09 am



    I’m just reading what you’ve written. It’s Tuesday, but I’m rooting for you now for yesterday… How did it go at the gallery? It’s so amazing and wonderful that they want to show your work! You must be so talented.

    What works for me in raising my personal vibe is to take an action or make a decision about life goals. The action wouldn’t be something simple like getting a massage. It would be something like deciding to take a night class and paying the tuition. Or taking a trip by myself that I’ve been scared to do before. Or paying off a debt. Or something that propels me forward…

    About feeling messages:

    I’m speaking from years of therapy and not from the trend here to constantly say “I feel … ” rather than talk in plain language. And it has been pointed out to me that I need to use more “I feel” messages here. So I’m learning, too.


    I think that feeling messages are very personal; not for everybody! My feelings are my pearls. They are my essence.

    I’ve been through two bad marriages, and sometimes the feelings in the day-to-day experiences can be very negative. If I constantly shared those feelings, I’d come across as a very negative person…

    I’m wondering this:

    Could you start a feeling journal? (I do mine in a blog that only I can see.) Then you can take notes for yourself that you can read later… I love reading what I wrote a few months ago, and I can see places where I’m stuck.

    If you practiced expressing your feelings in a journal, you could pick and choose between them and then make your statements to your husband. They’ll be loaded with feeling, for sure! And if you had that outlet, you wouldn’t be saying, “I feel angry about…” every single day. That could get very tiring to hear.

    It might help you to understand exactly where you are in your relationship. Then it would give you the courage and the confidence to express yourself in feeling messages. And if those messages were a little more sparse, they might be a little more heard. And then you could gauge his response.

    A therapist once told me that a person will respond to your feelings by either accepting them, (oh! I’m so sorry!) trying to fix them (hmm… have you tried… ???) or negating them (you couldn’t possibly feel that way after everything I’ve done for you!)

    Gauging his response to your carefully selected feeling messages could be very interesting for you if you have the ability to stand back and watch what is happening as it is happening! Sort of get outside yourself to see what’s going on! But it’s important to also stay in the moment and feel what you’re feeling.

    Your scenario sounds like a hard place to be… maybe look for the silver linings in all those thunderclouds! And write those down! And express those bright thoughts in feeling messages!

    Thoughts are with you, Lorelei!

    And feelings, too. I feel sad that you’re going through so much.

    Love, Mary

  32.  #32Lorelei on June 29, 2010 at 7:09 am

    Jennifer – Eek – how very, very weird this must feel!!!! And you’ll be wondering what will happen next time you met etc. Um, I’m very new to all this, and I don’t know how online dating works, but if leaning back means anything, maybe you don’t have to do anything!!!

    If it means he also has your details/profile by now, let him worry about what to do about it, or whether to say anything. I’ve lost count of the times when embarrassment, or wanting to smooth an awkward situation has triggered me to act in what I now know is a leaning-forward kind of way . . .

    If he comments, then there’s always “I feel embarrassed, and freaked out! What are the chances of this happening!” It has got a funny side. If he doesn’t comment, then just be your usual goddess self at your next class, smile as if you share a secret, and practice the tools on him. Maybe there is more to him than you thought . . . who knows?

  33.  #33mary on June 29, 2010 at 7:13 am

    Hi Jilly,

    Favorites are just a hello. If the guy never actually emails you, he’s not interested enough, in my opinion. I once went through all my favorites and said “hi” to all of them. It didn’t work out favorably for me.

    You can tell if a guy is hiding his profile by looking him up by their exact user name. If nothing appears, he’s probably hidden his profile. If he terminated his profile, there would be a notice to that effect, with the date that it was terminated.

  34.  #34mary on June 29, 2010 at 7:14 am


    Wow. That is crazy! I agree with Lorelei…

  35.  #35Jennifer on June 29, 2010 at 7:20 am

    I’m freaked out cause I just dreamed the other night that I slept with him.
    Seriously. I was driving around sorta fantasizing about it…and now he’s on my eharmony list!!! EEEEKKKK!!!!!
    I’m totally going to start fantaaizing about winning the lottery.!!!

  36.  #36mary on June 29, 2010 at 7:23 am

    do you like him?

    do you want to go out with him?

    are you attracted to him?

    could be fun…

  37.  #37Lorelei on June 29, 2010 at 7:23 am

    Hi Mary – thank you for your comments. I’m in the UK, and our time zone differences might knock out the when of when I mean. I’m meeting the gallery people next Monday, 5 July, so I have nearly a whole week to up the vibe!

    I so appreciate your concern and sympathy. It makes such a difference to have contact with people who understand the tools I’m trying to practice, cos most people just aren’t on that page.

    I’m also very interested in your reflections about feeling messages, and the comment from a therapist about the different ways people respond to them. VERY illuminating. In 15 years it’s been largely being fixed or being negated. I do a lot of ‘sorry’ when he tells me he feels hurt. But I can count on the fingers of one hand when it has been ‘sorry’ from him. The place I’m in at the moment, I can’t do feeling messages all the time anyway, as feeling so afraid that they will make things worse, as they sometimes do. So I’m not overdoing the feeling messages. But I’ve been worrying that I can’t do them enough, that I’m not even able to do feeling messages right, and your words make me feel it’s OK to do what I can for now.

    I love the idea of making a definite commitment to me. Yesterday, I booked where I’m going to stay for 3 nights a week for the next 10 weeks (work related, and planned for a long time). It will be great to have the time out from the marital home, and be among different people, colleagues, at least some of whom really like me. And I am just on the verge of arranging to start seeing a therapist again – I’ve already had a trial appointment, so that is going to be my commitment to me and aspects of my own growth. So that is good.

    I’ve been off the blog for a few weeks, so a bit out of touch, but I hope you are going well. Best wishes.

  38.  #38mary on June 29, 2010 at 7:25 am

    i have some things i’d really like to discuss with you sirens, but i don’t dare now because of the twitter and facebook links.

    i feel so sad about this.
    i feel so angry about this.
    i feel so fearful about this.

  39.  #39Lorelei on June 29, 2010 at 7:38 am

    Jennifer – hmmmm, well it sounds as if part of you had already noticed something about him . . that attracts you . . even before he turned up on e-harmony.

    Just a thought about dreams, though. I’m sticking my neck out here, and feel free to ignore this if it doesn’t fit for you. Many therapists who work with dreams say that everyone and everything that turns up in a dream is actually a part of YOU and your personal, psychic make-up. It’s not really about them, even when we know them! They represent parts of ourselves that we haven’t fully accepted ARE part of ourselves (both apparently desirable and the parts of ourselves that we reject). Dreams of virile men may be about your own masculine energy, or libido and erotic energy, which is emerging and wanting to be accepted by you, or to emerge more than it already has . . . (in the same way that we might love and accept and unite with all our feelings)?

    Or it might just be that you are attracted! It could both this, and also that his masculine or erotic qualities are also part of yourself.

    Leeeaan baack, waaay baaack, and see what he does about this.

    If I ever get to date again, I like to think I would be this clear with myself. But I probably won’t, and will need you all to remind me.

  40.  #40Jennifer on June 29, 2010 at 7:38 am

    OH MARY!!
    Are you ok????
    what happened? I feel concerned. I hope you are allright.
    I like judo instructor. I feel safe with if there was a mugger..he could deal with that…and he designs women’s self defence I reckon he’s the dude LEAST likely to hit me.
    And he’s funny too.
    And has a licence to sell pot legally. And designs software. And does financial advising. And speaks Japanese.
    But now I feel awkward, like he’s gonna think I’m a whacko. But that doesn’t make any sense..its just how I feel.

  41.  #41Lorelei on June 29, 2010 at 7:41 am

    Mary – I don’t understand about the twitter/facebook links . . Do you mean that some of what goes onto this blog also gets on to these other sites?

    Don’t go into details, if not comfortable. But share what you can here. Sorry to hear of your sadness, anger and fear about all this.

  42.  #42mary on June 29, 2010 at 8:20 am


    I feel sad because I’ve made some real friends here. People who’ve cared about what I’ve been going through and shared their feelings about my situation. And people that I care about. And since I don’t feel comfortable to share any more, it’s sad to think about what I’ve lost. It’s really something that I can’t duplicate in real life. The thing that made it so special was the anonymity.

    I feel angry because I had expectations that the blog space was something that I could depend on and count on. Everything changes, I guess!

    I feel fearful that I’ve said too much already. Every one of these posts has a link to it.

    And I live in a small town. Or a huge metropolis! (I’m not telling, any more!)


  43.  #43Laughing goddess on June 29, 2010 at 8:21 am


    I know you’ve been listening to Abe. Did you hear the story yet about how Esther and Jerry hooked up? They were working together, no sparks, and she had a sexy dream about him and that opened the door for them to get together. It’s an interesting story. I’ve heard her mention it a few times before.

    I wouldn’t lean forward though. I would lean back, be a goddess, and let him or whatever wonderful men want to show up come to you.

  44.  #44Laughing goddess on June 29, 2010 at 8:24 am

    Mary, I feel curious. What links are you talking about?

  45.  #45Brenda on June 29, 2010 at 8:36 am


    What if you silently fell off the blog and reincarnated as a new user name? Those of us who know you would know it was you and the people who you don’t want to be known by wouldn’t.

    I feel disturbed by the links to this, too. I poured out way too much of myself for this to be on public internet. But, as usual, my loneliness and pain win over common sense. I needed someone to talk to, so I gave trust. Won’t be the first time that comes back to bite me.

    Rori, will you please unlink this from Twitter, Facebook, etc?

  46.  #46Jennifer on June 29, 2010 at 8:37 am

    EVERY POST is linked to Tweet?

  47.  #47Brenda on June 29, 2010 at 8:40 am


    I think the key to your solution is right in the title of this thread…GIVE UP!

    It’s perfect that you’re about to spend a few days a week away from home! Is it possible to live there 7 days a week for the next while, on a temporary basis?

    I think the best thing you could do to “work on” your relationship is to completely get away from him for a while. I have found, thru many long distance relationships, that the best way to test and possibly improve a relationship is to simply have a time of separation.

    It doesn’t have to be hostile. Just a simple line to him, “I feel a need for an emotional vacation. I’m not going to be around for the next number of weeks. Just know that I love you!”

    …or whatever fits for you. I think, once again, it would be leaning back and just totally backing away and trying nothing that could either make or break your relationship.

    How do you feel about that?

  48.  #48Laughing goddess on June 29, 2010 at 8:43 am

    I feel confused.

  49.  #49Laughing goddess on June 29, 2010 at 8:55 am

    I just had an idea. What if Rori set up a private blog for women who have paid for at least one of her products?

    I understand her wanting to spread the word about her work on facebook and Twitter.

    The other option is for us to take responsibility for keeping our own info private by not posting personal pictures or links to our webpages or posting personal info.

    I feel bummed that this doesn’t feel private anymore. I personally haven’t posted any private info and I still feel bummed.

  50.  #50Angie M on June 29, 2010 at 8:59 am

    Wow, ive been reading all of your email clips, and am learning alot, just wanted to say it is all very helpful, and that i can relate to the stories from all the others, i am currently dating and seeing all the sides of men that i need to see, if they’re not for me, or if i even have a feeling there not, i wont even waste my time, because it’s all about me and what i want, and now i wont settle….Thanks Angie

  51.  #51Laughing goddess on June 29, 2010 at 9:04 am

    I hope Rori will clear this up for us and let us know what is being posted and what isn’t. I’m guessing that even if we had our picture and website linked to our name, that once we delete that info from the little picture by our names, it is deleted from all posts. I wonder if this is true.

    Rori, can you give us some clarity on the privacy situation?

  52.  #52Lorelei on June 29, 2010 at 9:16 am

    Oooooh no, I just realised what Mary means, and I too feel deeply uncomfortable realising that something semi-private is suddenly more into the public domain. (I know anyone could look on here, but on the whole they wouldn’t have found it unless quite motivated to look).

    It is as if my private difficulties became part of Rori’s marketing campaign for anyone to see, without my permission. Rori normally seems very concerned to have asked for permission to use her clients’ stories to start off new threads etc.

    I will be more careful what I share – a bit of a wake-up call.

    I understand, Rori, that you want to grow your business. But to have every post linked in feels, well, yucky. Easier now for partners and friends to look in on what is happening here, via all the social networking site. Doesn’t feel so safe.

  53.  #53Lorelei on June 29, 2010 at 9:18 am

    Brenda- hi and thanks. Yeah, I’m considering it! I just don’t want him any more.

  54.  #54Rori Raye on June 29, 2010 at 9:37 am

    Welcome, Angie M -Love, Rori

  55.  #55Aminata on June 29, 2010 at 9:44 am


    sounds like an opportunity to lean back and flirt if he gives you some special attention from the eharmony thing. if he brings it up you could even say (with a flirty big smile of course) really? I’m on your list? I didn’t even notice! But I see you’re noticing me… ” Or something like that. HAHA!


    My friend shelby was at the point where you are now just a month ago. She was working so hard at repairing her relationship with her husband and feeling like she just wanted a divorce. She took stopped working so hard at the relationship, stopped thinking about it, trying to talk to her husband about it, let the house be quiet and went on a vacation. Two in fact. She also stopped accusing him of not pulling his weight, the most important part. The extended quiet did the trick. They’re finding a better way to talk to each other and they are back on track.

    Just forget about the relationship for a while, give up like rori says and focus on your gallery opening! That’s so exciting. Feel how exciting that opportunity will be! Take care of yourself! Good luck with your art!

  56.  #56Rori Raye on June 29, 2010 at 9:55 am

    URGENT: I wanted to make sure to reassure you all – the Tweeting/Facebook: – what happens (if you get twitter or are on Facebook) – you’ll see the link to the home page with the new post – that’s ALL – no links to comments –it’s all as it was, just meant to invite new visitors to the community. You still have to get into the comments for each post as always…not something most people do unless they’re someone we’d like to invite IN to the community…it’s not even as much as getting the RSS feed! Let me know this – would it be meaningful to those of you who use twitter and facebook if I put out NEW stuff there? In addition to the blog?

    Also – the membership section idea is great – I’ll discuss it with my web team, to see if we can get an “inner circle” I will spend more time interacting with…thank you so much for the idea…Love, Rori

  57.  #57Brenda on June 29, 2010 at 10:03 am

    Thank you, Rori!

    That would feel good! 🙂

  58.  #58Rori Raye on June 29, 2010 at 10:03 am

    Lorelei – I want to personally let anyone I can see who talks about this – the links that go out on twitter or facebook just go to the post itself…you STILL have to click into the comments to see them – and no one does that who isn’t ready to be an interested and possibly value-ably contributing member of the community…this way we can expand the group in a meaningful way…I only have a hundred plus twitter followers – so it’s a small fraction of what’s out there, and hopefully they’ve looked for me there, too…Love, Rori

  59.  #59Brenda on June 29, 2010 at 10:06 am


    If you are being emotionally abused, which it sounds like you are, then I add to my words…get out…urgently! But it sounds like you are already moving in the direction of emotional health, and that is what really matters here.

  60.  #60Brenda on June 29, 2010 at 10:13 am


    I’m in the process of distancing my exhusband right now. He just cyclically emotionally abuses me, and then when I say something about it, he defends himself. He just doesn’t get it, after ten years. So I am resorting to the only effective way I know how to get his attention…to distance myself.

    I know he doesn’t like it, but we get nowhere when I try to discuss with him, even in feeling messages, how I feel. I am either going to have a deep change in this way he keeps hurting me with words, or I am going to get out of the relationship. Ten years is long enuff for him to get a clue!!

    Last night I received two sweet cards and letters from him. He is trying to sweep it under the rug…again. I won’t let him. Before I was so emotionally dependent on him that I just stumbled back into the relationship.

    Now I am going to write him and keep it at letters only until we arrive at a clear understanding…or not.

  61.  #61Mel on June 29, 2010 at 10:29 am

    Rori, Thank you for clearing up the Twitter/Facebook issue.

  62.  #62urban butterfly on June 29, 2010 at 10:32 am

    Loved this! Great advice.

  63.  #63Brenda on June 29, 2010 at 11:12 am


    I don’t know you well, but I just want to say you sound so, so good these days!! Like this woman’s got it going on! I feel happy for you that your judo instructor showed up on your dating site list! I think that’s something to celebrate! Just relax and laugh about it with him…and who knows? You sound a lot happier, and I can tell your vibe is shifting in a beautiful way!

  64.  #64Lorelei on June 29, 2010 at 11:27 am

    thanks for your response Rori – my situation is so fragile at the moment, I’m scared of it leaking out to people who know my and my husband, and who might recognise the situation but who I’m not quite ready to let in! I notice you have lots and lots of new male friends on your Facebook page, and it was partly the thought of all these men looking in to the blog ( I know men do occasionally post here) when I feel much safer revealing my stuff to women who are actually also doing the tools and trying to put it all into practice.

  65.  #65Lorelei on June 29, 2010 at 11:40 am

    Hi Brenda – thanks for your thoughts. I’ve had 15 years of this, and right now not sure I’ll be celebrating on our anniversary. I want to get away, I wish he would go away, but I can’t just leave totally and physically – my work space, my equipment, my teaching space are all in the marital home!

    I”m a bit concerned that my feeling messages ‘work’ about 20% of the time – by which I mean they seem to produce connection. But the rest of the time they get a very negative response – and I feel worse not better, corrected or fixed, not heard or appreciated. So I am stopping. Everything that is about leaning forward. When I have to be with him, I try to be open in case he has something new to bring. But I’ve just sat through a meal where he talked most of the time, chatting pleasantly about his work, about things that happened, what people said. I did responses, even smiled, relaxed my shoulders, but waited to see if he would show any interest in me without me volunteering stuff. Nothing. I could have said I feel unheard, but haven’t the energy for another put down or feeling upset again. Not today. But I will go on practicing feeling messages when I can. My vibe has gone very low, having had quite a few months of feeling much better because of Rori’s tools. But I know I’m not being very attractive or warm and welcoming at the moment.

    I love the idea of your line about needing or wanting an emotional vacation – and am waiting for the moment to use it.

  66.  #66Brenda on June 29, 2010 at 11:54 am


    Sorry you are feeling low, but you really sound emotionally healthy the way you are doing what is best for YOU. I know it’s not simple to separate your lives after sharing so much.

    My last feeling message I sent to Kenny (he is long distance in prison), he underlined and sent back with a nasty note and a nasty letter. Now in his make-up letters, he is saying the issue is about a friend of mine, not about me or him. Maybe to HIM it is, but talk about feeling unheard!!

    Over and over, I’ve told him I don’t mind you protecting me, and I appreciate it. That’s not the issue. The issue is being interrupted and/or your temper whenever I say anything you don’t agree with.

    Like with what you just wrote, it sounds like you’re on pins and needles now. Xactly. That’s what we DON’T want. Yet, I understand you don’t want to just keep feeling hurt over and over when you give feeling messages.

    I’m at the point where I don’t care. I just keep saying what I really think and feel, regardless of the imminent explosion! I will just keep being me until the relationship is either gone or better. NO more in between for me. I’m fed up with keeping a phony form of peace. That is no peace at all.

  67.  #67Brenda on June 29, 2010 at 11:56 am

    P.S. But I am saying that from the perspective of having divorced him 4 yrs ago…I can walk away from the explosions by hanging up the phone or not reading his letters. And right now he doesn’t even have my phone number, through no fault of my own. It got changed against my will by my inferior phone company, Straight Talk.

  68.  #68Lorelei on June 29, 2010 at 12:08 pm

    Aminata – thanks for sharing your friends story. I am learning to lean back, and realising that there is further to lean back than I realised before, and more to stop doing than I realised. So I’m leaning and leaning, and very open about the outcome. You know – I don’t think I even care about the outcome anymore – which might make it easier to lean and to stop.

  69.  #69Lorelei on June 29, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    Brenda- ooh, feels horrible and yucky to have your feeling message returned, as if by a mean teacher at school. Is he really protecting you, though? It feels more like attack rather than protection. ( My husband describes attack as improving advice.) It’s been a great day for me on this blog thread. I feel so supported by you and others I’ve never met. Might you feel able to break off contact – what are you getting out of this? Or is contact necessary because of children or other shared concerns? All the best.

  70.  #70Daria on June 29, 2010 at 1:07 pm

    I feel triggered sigh. I want to hear about how people are now receiving great treatment from the men that were criticizing them. My dad often criticizes stuff. I am practicing. I feel hot.
    I’m going to go out looking for a job today. That will be diff

  71.  #71Brenda on June 29, 2010 at 1:44 pm


    You’re welcome, and thank you! I really enjoy my new friends here from around the world! I live in Pennsylvania, by the way. Did you ever see the sweet movie, “What a Girl Wants” with Amanda Bynes? It takes place mostly in England. It’s one of my favorites, even tho it’s probably geared more for teenage girls.

    Kenny has been in prison ever since I’ve known him, so it really was a marriage in name only, altho he doesn’t see it that way. There are no children or shared property.

    He’s got a lot of good points, and he’s grown a lot, which is why I stay friends with him. I think the good outweighs the bad. He remains in love with me, and he seems blind that he is very harsh and hurtful to me sometimes. i tell him I feel controlled when he tries to tell me he’s going to end the friendship or back off to once a week. He said he is not controlling. I think he’s blind to his relational style as a whole.

    Of course, it’s hard to explain in just a few paragraphs. He is protecting me in the sense that when he sees someone hurt me, he tries to keep me away from that person. But what if that person changes over time? He refuses to hear it. But that is the case, and we are friends again. And that’s why he’s angry.

    To him, this is an argument over me having a friend he doesn’t approve of. To me, it’s an argument over him treating me abusively by writing harsh things to me, by putting my friend down, swearing, interrupting, etc. I feel horrible when he does those things. I have asked him to not disrespect my friends by calling them derogatory names. He ignores me. I have told him how offended I feel that he uses God’s name in vain in a very disrespectful way with adjectives, and it keeps coming out of his mouth. I have told him I feel unheard when I am interrupted. He keeps interrupting me.

    I don’t really want to end the friendship, but if he doesn’t get it, I will.

  72.  #72gina on June 29, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    A man is consistently stepping up, and everything is feeling really good.

  73.  #73gina on June 29, 2010 at 3:02 pm

    I feel very grateful to Rori for helping me understand the importance of Respect for a man and for myself in order to have a good relationship. I also am grateful for clarity in the way that a man’s heart is listening for mine, and if they don’t hear it, they can’t connect.

  74.  #74Jeannette on June 29, 2010 at 3:13 pm

    Gina, You talk about respecting a man. Please look at my last few entries in the blog about circular dating and please tell me what you think.

  75.  #75Sweetpea on June 29, 2010 at 3:31 pm

    Gina – hahaha. I feel so happy to know that penis size is no longer an issue with D! Keep us updated. Sounds like you have one who’s stepping up. Yay!!!

  76.  #76Sweetpea on June 29, 2010 at 3:32 pm


    Sounds to me like you’re having a great time! What is it you did? Just started calling people you want to hang out with? Tell me more, please!

  77.  #77mary on June 29, 2010 at 5:53 pm

    Good luck with your job hunt, Daria.

  78.  #78gina on June 29, 2010 at 6:56 pm

    Jeannette – I found the entries about how you’re dating a guy who doesn’t make a ton of money…is that what you are referring to?

    I don’t know if I want to date a man who couldn’t provide for a family because I have realized that a “career” is not a priority for me – I want to be taken care of. I want freedom to take on creative endeavors and I intend to earn income, but I’m not thinking in terms of a career. I’d like to be a mom soon, and I want to be able to count on a man to provide.

  79.  #79gina on June 29, 2010 at 7:25 pm

    The concept of respect has been helpful in dealing with negative situations. Like, the other night I hung out with D and his boss. D drank too much and at the end of the night he fell down. It was pretty embarrassing and awkward. When we discussed it the next day, I was glad that I had some tools under my belt. I told him this was the first time I felt unsafe with him. He said he didn’t see why I should feel unsafe, and I said “well, I didn’t feel literally unsafe, but I don’t want to date an alcoholic.” I don’t know for sure if I handled it “right,” but I at least feel like I acknowledged my feelings of apprehension without disrespecting him.

  80.  #80Anne-Marie on June 29, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    Hi was just wanting some advice!!
    I met a man about 3months ago and started seeing him but from the start he has said to me this was just a friendship. From the start i have lent back and let him do all the calling and setting up of dates etc but i couldn’t help myself at one point i did tell him i wanted more than just a friendship with him but he said no just friendhip. I tried to end the friendship as it is hard to just have a friendhip with someone you have feelings for but he said he wouldn’t allow that so continued to ring and see me and i allowed it. So he works away and continues to ring me every few days which to me is such mixed messages i lean back don’t make any move towards him etc. It does seem that contact is becoming a little less but he still talks of wanting to do things for me like he wants to look after me and stay in my life I’m just not sure what to do? In some ways I feel I would like to just end it then I could just move on but on the other hand he gives me such mixed messages i feel i should just wait it out and see what happens because its not like I am doing anything active in this freindship he is the one who keeps it going with his contact. Any advice???

  81.  #81mary on June 29, 2010 at 8:18 pm

    hello Gina,

    just speaking from tons of experience here!

    i feel worried that you’re not thinking about a career for yourself, which could provide you with a real feeling of accomplishment, less dependency on a man and retirement planning for your future. i’m just now getting a real career (not counting those days as a musician) and i’m soooooo excited about it.

    wish i’d done it sooner…

  82.  #82gina on June 29, 2010 at 9:20 pm

    I do want to have a feeling of accomplishment, but I want that from motherhood. After working in preschools, I am convinced that I want to be home with my babies.

  83.  #83mary on June 29, 2010 at 9:37 pm

    you can do both with the right career! and you’re so talented. i’ve looked at your website and all things you’ve already accomplished. so much already! you’re beautiful and young and vibrant and marketable! what a stellar career you could have, and be home with your babies.

    and yes! motherhood is special and wonderful.

  84.  #84mary on June 30, 2010 at 1:16 am


    just thinking here.

    and maybe I said this before?

    i’m really getting it that when i’m dating a guy, and he’s into me more than i’m into him, it’s his responsibility to care for himself. and take himself away from me if he needs to.

    i used to think it was caring for him when i closed myself off from him because i couldn’t reciprocate his feelings. i would end the relationship then.

    now i think that it’s more respectful to proceed as if he knows what he’s doing, and trust him to do the best thing for himself. and enjoy his company while he wants to enjoy mine.

  85.  #85Lorelei on June 30, 2010 at 5:00 am

    Oh gosh. Today I feel alternately quite strong (I don’t care anymore) and suddenly in tears of sadness. My husband often says I am in my own little world. Is it possible that I’m imagining that things are worse than they are? Sort of fantasising and over-dramatising this? Casting myself, not for the first time, in a tragedy? Or am I just realising that I’m in an impossible situation that I don’t want any more? Can’t wait for Toxic Men to arrive.

  86.  #86Lorelei on June 30, 2010 at 5:02 am

    When I am the target of his criticism, I feel like a bad dog that he is trying to train to behave properly, a dog that just won’t be trained. I don’t want to feel like this ever again.

  87.  #87Daria on June 30, 2010 at 5:19 am

    Mary wow. I don’t know that I’ve said that. I feel impressed and secure. Yeah. You’re really getting it and ur choice of words makes it clear and I feel strong reading it.

    Meanwhile I’m continuing my lean forward experiment and it’s starting to turn into an adventure. What’s the deal when a guy does rude stuff but I feel kinda numb blaze about it? Like I’m just like whatever like hey yeah well that hurt my feelings dude but at the same time… I think I will do that… I’m into the sex… Ok u want me to have ur baby I’ll think abt it. Will cone back. I just wanted sex and I got it. I got everything I wanted from men in my lean forward experiment so far. I am very non attached to the outcome… Just stating my wants to share them …

  88.  #88Daria on June 30, 2010 at 5:33 am

    Sweetpea – yes. I am calling up and testing men… Stuff like… Whatsup… I want to kick it. Then they reply. I feel very rockstarish abt it and make sure I’m not saying it to get what I want… Just stating my wants. Some have said no but what I wanted- yes even sex- was not tied to a man. So where one couldn’t hang out another onecould. And then some just pushed their way into a rori style coffee date. That turned out well. Then my adventuring was about testing throw Daria against the car when he was drunk man. That I want to have sex. I wound up walking and hanging out with him and his friend. … Who I flirted with. I really liked the walking… I practiced walking like I was a naked Egyptian queen. Then I went to catch crabs in the bay at nite w him and other of his friends who were nice to me. And I had sex. He acts w jerky behaviour but I feel so blaze about it… I really don’t expect anything from him so I take it as it comes. Very strange feeling Luke I’m his friend and am able to flirt and interact and truly be interested in other men! Lost my phone tho… Coulda been stolen but makes lil sense. I had an instinct it was his friend… Could be him himself… Or could easily have slipped out of the pocket the way I had it. Sleepy now

  89.  #89Daria on June 30, 2010 at 5:39 am

    He acts jerky but he’s actually in love w me and wants my kids. For real. I’ve given up trying to change his behaviour. In just taking it as it comes w how I feel not how I think I should feel. Ie you’re kickin me out at 4 ? Um ok I am outta here. Wow u were fast to want to leave… Well my feelings were hurt. And I actually would like to leave too. Yah. I don’t care much about trying to get w him. But I am a lil concerned as to whatsup with me feeling cool abt this where’s the anger ? I feel some resentfulness

  90.  #90Jennifer on June 30, 2010 at 5:41 am

    Daria…you’re a total rockstar!!!
    I am soaking up some of your vibe…just borrowing it.
    I wanna date and sleep with Judo instructor..but I feel too shy to contact him on my dating site.
    Whatcha gonna do? I want him to STEP up!
    And then do nasty stuff to me…heheheh. Too much info?

  91.  #91Jennifer on June 30, 2010 at 6:19 am

    OMG OMG OMG!!!
    Judo instructor is totally on POF Too!!!!
    HE looked at my profile there too!!!

  92.  #92Vicki Kerns on June 30, 2010 at 7:20 am

    Hi Sirens-

    I have a question. I’m really working all the “tools”, am leaning back focusing on myself. About a week and a half ago, I went to an event and was dressed up all in my new coat I had made. My hair and makeup looked great. I felt awesome. “The man” was there and sat with me all night. He kept looking over and over again. After the event, he emailed me that night about how great I looked and how he’s noticing changes in me (awesome). And even the next morning, he emailed again on how sexy I looked, how everything about me looked fantastic (his words), and that he’d even had some interesting dreams about me. I emailed back “Care to share?” but he didn’t.

    Anyway, I’m working on doing the “feeling” statements now, which is harder for me. HERE IS MY QUESTION: Is it too late to acknowedge the compliments he paid me? I thought about saying, “BTW, thank you for the compliments from last week. I feel great being complimented.” Or something like that. Or should I just let it go for now or maybe wait and say that if it comes up again????

    I don’t want to appear leaning forward like I’m still thinking about it. See my dilemma?

  93.  #93dorothea on June 30, 2010 at 8:32 am

    My LI is stepping up so much. He shows me soooo much love, and I have suddenly been having breathing problems so he has been taking suuuch good care of me. omg, i feel deserving of it, too.

    we’ve had some problems and when we’re fighting/having problems, it feels awful, but it always goes back to exactly how it feels the first time i realized i freaking love being around this man. for the longest time he tried to tell me that a disagreement or misunderstanding doesn’t break a relationship, but as an only child who was left by both her parents by the time I was 17, my belief has always been that arguments are fatal to loving relationships. he has taught me better.

    i really love this man. and he really loves me. we are young and recently graduated, broke as hell, and he is not financially ready to provide. he told me i’m the one and he wants me, and it was hard telling him that he had to be able to provide more thoroughly b4 i could commit to exclusivity and everything with him. So now he has formulated a plan to get his finances in order, and talking all the time about the future. He seems dead-set on it. I guess if I wanted to, I could “let go” and commit to exclusivity, but I don’t want to. Even though I don’t have any CD’s on my coffee card, I still want to feel free, and not relying on him for my future or happiness. Not until there is a ring on my finger. We are both excited about him putting a ring on my finger, and being engaged for a few months before looking for a home to share, and saving for our future.

    but in the meantime, i feel worried about losing myself in this relationship and getting hurt before I feel secure with that ring on my finger. right now i am feeling like i could go on a coffee date or something, but my heart would be elsewhere, so what’s the point? but it does feel reassuring to know that if things feel bad with my LI, i could turn to dating without feeling guilty or tied to my LI.

    what a trip! he wasn’t even my type, lol.

  94.  #94Tallgirl10 on June 30, 2010 at 8:35 am

    Does anyone know of examples of someone doing these tools and actually getting married?

  95.  #95dorothea on June 30, 2010 at 8:40 am

    Vicki, my vote is to not say anything just out of the blue. In my opinion it IS leaning forward, and it is attached to an outcome. Next time he compliments you, you can be open and receiving and tell him that feels good to hear from him, and that you always feel whatever it is you feel when you hear compliments from him.

    Just keep being your beautiful sireny self and the compliments will keep coming.

  96.  #96dorothea on June 30, 2010 at 8:41 am

    tallgirl, you mean like doing these tools until getting engaged? or getting married all the way?

    i feel curious about this too!

  97.  #97Wonder Woman on June 30, 2010 at 8:44 am

    I feel ready to throw my hands up and just give up.

    I feel like the universe is having a laugh at my expense.

    I feel like I have to work a million times harder to achieve things in my life that friends of mine who have never lifted a finger seem to land without even trying.

    I feel as though I should just accept I will be on my own forever instead of pushing myself to respond to emails I receive on dating sites.

    I feel as though I should quit dating and accept that having a man that loves me, getting married and having children in a loving relationship was never meant to happen for me.

    I feel selfish that trying to change myself to accommodate circular dating is taking time which I should be spending just being with my son and just be grateful for that.

    I feel emotional and stupid and bitter and resentful and angry that even though I do EVERYTHING for EVERYONE I get nothing in return.

    I feel horrible and selfish that I feel upset because I worked my butt off twelve years to have a good job which I gave up to be there for my son and now feel lost and lonely and have been forced to move house and start all over again so have nothing to show for all the hard work I did.

    I feel angry that everyone else I know just seems to land loving relationships.

    I feel demotivated because I have let myself get out of shape.

    I feel upset that I have allowed myself to get depressed to the point I have to take anti-depressents to get through the day.

    I feel like the world is unjust and cannot understand why all the people who have taken advantage of my love and kindness get to live happy lives while I am left to pick up the pieces.

    I am sick of crying and wondering WHY!!

    I am tired of waiting.

    I feel like “what’s the point”??!!

    I feel that to accept I have what I have and won’t have anything more will stop me from having false hope so I will just get on with my life.

    I feel sad that I need to accept that but I feel like I cannot take any more disapointments.

    I feel resentful that even though I attract men they are toxic and draining.

    I feel like burying my head in the sand.

    I feel tired of fighting to get everything I need on my own.

    I feel UGH, and AAGGGHHH and GRRRRRR

    I just want to QUIT. I don’t want to try anymore. I feel like men have ruined my life and I have let them.

  98.  #98Brenda on June 30, 2010 at 8:48 am


    I feel so happy for you that you are with such a wonderful man!

    Tallgirl and Dorothea, Rori gives a few examples of circular dating that led to marriage, including her own! I think it’s on Commitment Blueprint. One woman was dating 5 men when a man proposed to her! She had to go home and cancel dates! But there were several other cool examples, too. The one she told about “Mia” gave fine detail of each step of her transition.

  99.  #99dorothea on June 30, 2010 at 8:53 am

    “I feel emotional and stupid and bitter and resentful and angry that even though I do EVERYTHING for EVERYONE I get nothing in return.”

    omg this was me! just stop doing stuff. do only what is asked of you, and if you feel like it and it feels good. it’s time to go on strike. it’s a private strike…no one has to know. it’s a great way to hit the reset button on your energy.

    don’t be afraid Wonder Woman. We are here for you and all want you to have what you want. How old is your son?

  100.  #100Ankita on June 30, 2010 at 8:53 am

    Hello sirens

    I read one of Rori’s recent newsletter, which said, “you
    know that you should never hide your feelings
    from a man – as scary as that seems – and why
    expressing your feelings will actually make a man
    fall in love with you.”

    Wanna share a experience based on this…
    Last night as I & Vishal were talking, he asked me the name of the site from where I get my dose of porn, I told him, he went there. there at the right hand side, was ads of Indian girls ready for phone sex and they were nude, he checked them out and told me what he was seeing.

    I felt angry & asked, “Are you feeling excited seeing them?”
    He, “If I did say i’m not, I’d be lying. So yes, i’m.”

    I was like, burning inside…. So I went silent… He felt something wrong & asked me. I denied it 2 times (my natural instinct that I’d learn since child did come up to resist me), but the 3rd time I said, “You know what? I’m feeling really angry at you.”
    He, “Why?”
    I, “When I’m talking to you, I want you to give me complete attention. I don’t feel good when you look at their pics & get excited when I’m here. I don’t like it when you do so.”

    My gosh..! HE DID IMMEDIATELY SHUT DOWN HIS LAPTOP & SAID HE’LL TAKE CARE OF THIS IN FUTURE…. He said that he can’t say he won’t see it again, but where I’m involved, no one else…. Wow…!!!

    Finally i got the courage to speak from my feelings…. 🙂

  101.  #101Brenda on June 30, 2010 at 8:55 am

    (((Wonder Woman)))

    I feel sad for you that you feel so discouraged and sad. Can you turn your last post into a riff?

    I have two words for you…

    baby steps

    …You’re doing fantastic!!!!!!!! Persistence is the key!


  102.  #102Brenda on June 30, 2010 at 8:57 am


    Good job!!! Encourage him to look at nude art…it’s not so perverted!

  103.  #103Ankita on June 30, 2010 at 8:59 am

    Wonder Woman

    I really feel happy that you can feel all these stuffs and express what you feel.

    “I feel like I have to work a million times harder to achieve things in my life that friends of mine who have never lifted a finger seem to land without even trying.”- Things start changing suddenly when we stop trying so hard & just focus on ourselves….

    I can identify myself with you… It can feel frustrating to the point we wanna give up, but don’t be afraid & don’t give up…. We are here for you….


  104.  #104Ankita on June 30, 2010 at 9:03 am


    Thanks…. 🙂

    If only he sees them and chooses not to act on his impulse,am fine with it, but I don’t want him to stray anyhow….

  105.  #105Rori Raye on June 30, 2010 at 9:18 am

    Anne-Marie, Welcome – and there are no mixed messages here. He’s behaving like a “friend” who – rightly so – doesn’t want to let you go. It’s up to you to serve yourself well, and do what is best for yourself. Since this man feels like he’s holding you back from Circular Dating, drop him. If you can be friends with him and still date and sleep with other men – then keep him around. You can make this decision – you are in control of this. Love, Rori

  106.  #106Ankita on June 30, 2010 at 9:22 am


    i feel concerned for you when you say ,”a “career” is not a priority for me.”

    I agree we want to be taken care of, we want to be provided, but I think we should be independent too…(upto a limit, coz if you do everything yourself, you stuck doing everything yourself.)..

    I feel like we should strike up a balance between chivalry and independence..! We would feel loved & great if our guys did take care of us, but at the same time it’s important to stand up on our own feet… These are my personal views…

  107.  #107Ankita on June 30, 2010 at 9:27 am


    I didn’t read your post no 82.. I really love it when you say you want to be a mother…. It’s special feeling, which we women are privileged to feel… I feel happy for you….

  108.  #108Brenda on June 30, 2010 at 9:35 am


    When I was a teenager, I had my life mapped out…I was going to meet my future husband by age 18, marry by age 21, and have kids by age 25.

    Now I’m age 46, and, even tho I still want to be a wife and a mother more than anything else in the world, I have found personal pride in standing on my own two feet.

    I have moved entire households by myself, at times when I didn’t have any help. I have a good-paying career that, even tho it is not my forte, it pays the bills. I am developing my P.O.P. (Purpose On the Planet), and I believe the more complete I can be as a woman, the better a man I will attract. I want to be the best me I can be, with or without a man.

    When I was 25, my counselor said I should see a husband as icing on the cake, not the cake itself. I didn’t agree with him then, but I do now.

    Even tho I don’t like it, until I can love myself and be satisfied with myself alone, I’m not ready for a man.

    I love my loneliness and weakness and pain, in the midst of my knowing best for myself.

  109.  #109Tallgirl10 on June 30, 2010 at 9:35 am

    Ann Marie,

    When a man tells you he wants to be friends and sends mixed messages – he still only wants to be friends. You see mixed messages, he sees being nice. What you want is not what he wants. Harsh, but true.

    I just recently dated someone who only wanted to be casually dating. He did come on strong to secure that I would be around, but his actions told me he only wanted casual dating. I saw mixed messages as well, but you know what, they were not mixed messages – they were clear. He only wanted casual dating.

    So I ended it. It is hard every day – and I am on day day 10 of no contact, but we are not aligned in what we want. And Kudos to me for telling him what I want. So feeling sad is better than feeling like I have no self esteem and like I am chasing someone who is not aligned with what I want.


    He did not act into me, and then he got mean, eventhough he had invited me over. Goodbye.

  110.  #110Tallgirl10 on June 30, 2010 at 9:37 am

    I saw a great quote.

    How do you know a man is into you? Because you know a man is into you.

    How do you know a man is not into you? Because you feel confused.

    Simple, huh?

  111.  #111Brenda on June 30, 2010 at 9:38 am

    Hi Anne-Marie,

    I like to have men friends in my life! I believe that being friends with different men is a necessary part of my emotional development. Just enjoy what you have with no expectations for more.

    At least that is what I would do.

  112.  #112Tallgirl10 on June 30, 2010 at 9:43 am


    But Ann Marie has feelings for this man. In Rori world, that means to walk away.

    I totally agree that it is important to have male friends, but real friends, not people you want to date who you hope will change their mind.

  113.  #113Brenda on June 30, 2010 at 9:52 am


    To each her own. Maybe that is best for you or for Anne-Marie. I really enjoy friendships with men, and I would just practice my Siren Skills on him! And it’s just the way I am.

    I really like your quote! Sure simplifies it!

  114.  #114Wonder Woman on June 30, 2010 at 9:56 am

    Dorothea/Brenda –

    Thank you. I just feel I have to let it all out today. I’ve not much experience with the riffing. I’m not sure I love my feelings right now although I wish I could.

    I feel strange because I don’t equate myself as being a person with anger. For many years I was reputed to be the chilled person. I don’t like feeling like this but I feel like letting it out is the only way to function at this stage.

    Dorothea – my son is seven.

    I think that is the reason I feel the most affected right now. He is constantly asking me why I am not married and even though my ex stepped up as a step dad to my son (we lived together for three years with my son and he still sees him regularly) I can see how much he craves a family environment. He asks me all the time for a brother or sister.

    I am just frustrated. I have had to start a new life in a new house from scratch after my sons real dad stopped his child support payments during the one period I was reliant on his payments after I gave up work because my son needed hospital treatment so I could not afford the house we lived in which was a move I didn’t anticipate (although I do love the setting of the house I now live in which makes me think things happen for a reason) but I don’t have the financial means to get the house right so we have no carpets, decoration etc and we have been living like this for a year now while I fight daily with the child support agency and tax office for money they owe me which could put everything right for us but this takes forever.

    What makes it worse is that three years ago when I moved in with my ex I had a house full of expensive furniture etc and because we had no room for it I gave it away to family member for free because I felt no justification in asking for money because they needed things which I did not and I would never have dreamed of taking from them but now I have nothing no one has offered me anything and I feel like an idiot that I gave it all up and now my son has none of the things I gave away.

    It’s just the way I feel right now. I know that the minute I get some money and can get straight again I won’t feel this resentfulness but I just feel so tired at the moment. Everyday is spent fighting one organisation or another, budgeting to within an inch of my life and dealing with the emotional fallout of being alone. I have always taken get pride in being financially and emotionally independent and at the moment I have lost all the control I had over these so it is hard for me.

  115.  #115Ankita on June 30, 2010 at 9:59 am


    Had a disgusting experience too 2-3 days ago… I have a junior who is so much into me, i don’t like his types… But somehow I did agree to go on a date for him, but didn’t felt motivated to do so anyhow, coz I didn’t liked anything about him, not a single thing….

    Therefore, I canceled our date, coz to me, spending time with him was like hell…

    He had been to prostitutes, drugs, used to drink beer in place of water, serial Casanova.. But claimed that once he met me, my words and thinking did compel him to change….

    Here’s a li’l part of our conversation

    Me, “I feel uncomfortable, but the truth is, i don’t feel attracted to you. I don’t feel the spark with you.”
    He, “i don’t understand how can you decide so before even meeting someone.”
    Me, “Meeting isn’t always necessary. I don’t find any motivation towards you.”
    (Though i knew that i was lying coz that wasn’t the case, i didn’t like the guy as he was not of a good character).
    He, “I suggest you come for it, you’ll not be able to forget it over a long time.”
    I, “Ok. But don’t expect anything form me in return, coz you aren’t the one.”
    He, “Why so?”
    Me, “How can i give logic for something which is beyond logic? That’s it, I’m not into you.”

    Now HE TURNED DEFENSIVE & said, “Listen, i don’t love you, so don’t talk cheap, we are friends, and it’s better we remain so…(Oh really, now he’ll tell me what we should be..!!??)
    Then, again he said, ” Sometimes I wonder do you really look that good, i mean, what you boost of..!!???( Damn, he didn’t even knew the spelling of BOAST & was arguing with me..)

    I said, “I don’t owe you any explanation about why am not into you.. You aren’t what I want. I don’t like guys who happily romp around.. I don’t like guys who don’t take science and don’t come in technical line… I don’t like guys who aren’t non-Bengali, .. AND MOST OF ALL, I DON’T LIKE GUYS WHO TRY TO CONVINCE ME THAT THEY ARE THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME, & THAT I SHOULD BE WITH THEM, & ASK FOR EXPLANATION ABOUT WHY AM NOT INTO HIM..”

    The next day, he again texted at 11 PM, “Wassup??”

    What these guys are made of…. ???

    Damn… looks like will have to change my cell number again…….

  116.  #116Wonder Woman on June 30, 2010 at 10:00 am

    Ankita – thank you.

    Yes, I know you are right. I am so happy I can let it out here. I would not do this at home….say how I feel but I am learning.

    I definately need to take some time out to focus on myself, I just don’t do that enough.

  117.  #117dorothea on June 30, 2010 at 10:10 am

    i feel really torn about this whole career/motherhood thing. i can’t imagine abandoning my career(s) and ability to be independent in order to be a mother, but at the same time, if I had a child I wouldn’t want to abandon being a mother in order to have the ability to be independent without a husband in the picture if he decided to leave.

    i don’t want to worry about needing my independence like this. i don’t want it to be one or the other – able to be independent v. being totally present in the relationship.

    i want me and my future husband to both pursue our wildest dreams for our work even if it doesn’t bring in a lot of income or mean many hours of traditional work each week. I want us to commit to paying the bills and saving a little, but letting our commitment to our relationship and our personal and collective dreams be how we focus on “providing.” I want to pursue something that feels brilliant and wonderful in a way that doesn’t consume my entire life, so i can focus on anything else i want to focus on – primarily living life itself, followed by my household, my children, volunteering, relaxing, traveling, etc. I want my husband to do the same.

    If the need to be independent on my own ever arises, i want to feel *equipped* to be on my own. i don’t want to preemptively just sell my life out to being economically independently.

    i don’t need a fancy car or fancy things. i just want to love and live and dream, and never give that up on that just cuz i want a fancy car or fancy things. i LOVE fancy cars and things, and i feel good that they can come in time.

    wow i feel so good and confident in my personal desires for money in a relationship

  118.  #118dorothea on June 30, 2010 at 10:16 am

    Wonder woman, wow, your situation sounds really tough. I’m glad you decided to come here and let some of it out. i am sure you are doing a wonderful job of keeping it all together because you are still goin’.

  119.  #119Brenda on June 30, 2010 at 10:19 am

    Wonder Woman,

    I’m glad you feel free to just let it all out here. I have been in comparable situations more often than not in my life. Maybe a church or charitable organization could help you? I went to Catholic Social Services in 2007 when I was down and out, even tho I’m not Catholic. They paid my car payments (2) and two months worth of car insurance so I could keep driving to find a job. It was such a tremendous blessing at my time of greatest need, and I will always be grateful to them!

    When God closes a door, look for a window.

  120.  #120Annamarie on June 30, 2010 at 10:30 am

    Give up and Walk Away. A hard thing to do. Heard a line in a song the other day, “I’ve got it thru my head, but I can’t break it to my heart”. 5 years ago, I should’ve walked away, but I wanted it to work so much, I couldn’t go. We had 7 great yrs together before it fell apart, so I tried (all the wrong ways) to “fix” it for about 2 yrs. It was a terrible time with fighting/arguing and both of us being miserable. Then about 3yrs ago, I lost my job and became financially dependent on him; however, I decided to start my own business. He supported me financially and emotionally. Emotionally, in that he gave me praise for what I was accomplishing. The interesting part is as I pulled away into my own business, not putting any demands on him, we got along again. Not romantically or intimately, but as good friends. He has become a very good male friend – but not husband material. I now believe he will never be a “commited” partner for life – a/k/a husband!

    About a year ago, I feel I finally got it to my heart and although there was still some pain, I started to plan on ending our husband/wife relationship. 6 months ago, we decided on a separation with each of us living our own separate lives, even though we are still stuck together financially. He lives elsewhere, although stores his stuff in our house, but calls before he comes over. Occasionally, for convenience, he will stay the night in a separate room. We have not been intimate sexually or otherwise in years. We each agreed to date whoever and he knows I’m looking for a full relationship – the kind he says he can’t give me – with someone else. He tells me he’s happy for me and actually sounded excited when I told him I had a date! Like a good friend would be.

    Now, I’ve been practicing Rori’s tools – becoming a Siren. I’m done some CD, although not “real” dates with men, but using every opportunity for any man I come across and spending time with girlfriends, so I’m busy boosting my self-esteem and learning how wonderful a woman I am!

    I have met a man who is really wonderful to me. I use all my “feeling” messages on him and it’s amazing how well it works. He even told me he has never know a woman like me who tells how I feel about things. He said he felt so good knowing how I feel and he doesn’t have to guess about it. That’s a big pay off for me to keep stating how I feel. I have done some of the things Rori suggests “not to do” simply because of my circumstances. For instance, I go to meet him and spend time at his place, but recently, (since I said I would “feel” better about it now) he has started to pick me up at my home.

    There’s more I can share, but I don’t want this comment to run on longer than it already has. You will find a place to put the “wrong” relationship you went through as you give up and walk away. It took me a long time, but it wasn’t wasted because I’ve learned a lot about me. Maybe I didn’t like me sometimes along the way, but I wouldn’t be who I am at this moment, and I love who I’ve become! This great woman I love is destined to have the best relationship I deserve – and I will have it! My point is that we do move on, but you need to walk, putting one foot in front of the other, one baby step at a time, and become your own great woman.

  121.  #121Brenda on June 30, 2010 at 10:32 am


    I couldn’t help but giggle as I read your exchange with Full-Of-Himself! LOL! I love how utterly honest you are with these guys! And I think he was just taking it as a game, like maybe he thought you were playing hard-to-get! LOL!

    You go, you Indian Princess, you!

  122.  #122Annamarie on June 30, 2010 at 10:41 am

    Don’t think of it as “giving up on him” but as giving up on YOU being a person who’s not happy; You’re not walking AWAY from something, but walking TOWARDS becoming a better happier you.

  123.  #123Lorelei on June 30, 2010 at 11:40 am

    I am so leaning back from critical husband. I’m not very open because so hurt and protective at the moment. But he has just come up to me to tell me that even though I’m very unhappy at the moment, he’s there for me, supports me and loves me. My inner voice said ‘I don’t believe you’ – but I just said ‘thank you.’ It sounds great, but doesn’t really change how I feel. I don’t know how to take it. I’m sure he means it. But how to I negotiate for a change? Someone on here talked recently about how the words are easy, show me the plan (was it Siena?). What I wish I had said was, “I feel confused and wary.” Or is that too blaming and rejecting? I’m so afraid of being pulled back in, and then the criticism will start all over again. And, if it does, I will run. I cannot go through the kind of week I’ve just had again.

  124.  #124Brenda on June 30, 2010 at 11:50 am


    You were quoting from Rori’s initial blog about ‘The Good Wife…”

    I think it’s good that you said thank you. It was a moment when he was trying, and it would have been really toxic of you to push him away in a moment when he was trying.

    I would just see how things go. Then just use the feeling messages for his negative behavior as it comes up.

    If you need to run, do it. I think it sounds like the relationship is really dragging down your self-esteem. You don’t need that.

  125.  #125dorothea on June 30, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    aw lorelei, i think it’s great u said thanks. i think it’s great that your leaning back has shifted your vibe and brought out this loving tidbit in your husband.

  126.  #126Brenda on June 30, 2010 at 12:59 pm


    You crack me up! I have so many facets, you appeal to the rebel in me! I think it’s funny that the government arbitrarily makes some things taboo while other things are just fine, which are really far more horrendous! I don’t know, I guess I don’t feel free to say here what I’m trying to say. Just rock on, girl!

  127.  #127Wonder Woman on June 30, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    Brenda – yes thank you. Ironically I have learned so much about extra resources that are available to me and I was so lucky to be able to tap into some of those. In fact I have become a bit of a local go to girl for people who need information on how to resolve problems relating to financial problems/advice etc because I have had so much success in dealing with the complexities of tax issues/housing/debts etc. I feel guilty now because we are not desperate compared to so many people throughout the world. Just not to have a house filled with furniture and decoration is a blessing compared to how other people have to live and I am grateful I was able to secure a nice house and not end up homeless because it is a beautiful house with great gardens and a blossom tree (I always dreamed of a garden with a blossom tree). I would never have got this house but for the exceptional circumstances I found myself in and refusing to be made homelesss. A few weeks after we moved in the tree blossomed (beatiful pink flowers) and when they started the fall a shower of pink petals my son went outside and ran among them and I filmed it and it was amazing. So yes, god opened the window. 🙂

    Dorothea – yes it is amazing to be able to get it all out here in a safe place. I just got back from university (I was bored when I gave up my career so started a degree to fulfil another great ambition I had) and as I was driving I felt so much better having got that all out and got some more perspective on my situation so I am going to try riffing on my post in a little while. 🙂

  128.  #128Brenda on June 30, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    Wonder Woman,

    That’s wonderful!

  129.  #129Wonder Woman on June 30, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    Ok, I haven’t really tried the riffing before. I expect I haven’t quite got the hang of this but I want to give this a go so here goes: 🙂

    I feel ready to throw my hands up and just give up.

    – I feel tired of fighting to provide for everything, having all the reponsibility.
    – I feel proud that I haven’t given up yet and that despite everything I have managed to keep my son smiling, my dogs tails wagging and my cat purring.
    – I feel happy that I am learning to throw my hands up and stop trying so hard and embracing leaning back

    I feel like the universe is having a laugh at my expense.

    – I like that the universe thinks my life is comical at times
    – even I think my life is hilarious at times
    – I love how unpredictable and funny my life can seem

    I feel like I have to work a million times harder to achieve things in my life that friends of mine who have never lifted a finger seem to land without even trying.

    – I feel annoyed that I don’t seem to be as lucky as some people
    – I feel proud that even though I had to work really hard I managed to do really well and have a good career that other people thought I never would have
    – I feel happy that I am able to throw pride to the side and get stuck in when I have to and haven’t relied on anyone to achieve my successes – I did it all by myself

    I feel as though I should just accept I will be on my own forever instead of pushing myself to respond to emails I receive on dating sites.

    – I feel weird about internet dating
    – I feel excited that this is something new and differnet
    – I have made some friends through online dating and my friend met her long term partner so I feel hopeful it could happen to me
    – I feel hopeful I will receive the messages these men have to offer me and learn from them

    I feel as though I should quit dating and accept that having a man that loves me, getting married and having children in a loving relationship was never meant to happen for me.

    – I feel frustrated that I have not found my prince charming yet
    – I wish he would get a move on but I don’t want him to be my life just be a part of it
    – I love that while I wait for my prince charming I am building a life for myself and my son and doing it all on my own

    I feel selfish that trying to change myself to accommodate circular dating is taking time which I should be spending just being with my son and just be grateful for that.

    – I feel frustrated and scared about circular dating
    – I feel intrigued to face my fears
    – I love that I am learning to overcome my fears and learn new approaches to dating and excited that it might bring me a wonderful man who will also bring something special to my son’s life.

    I feel emotional and stupid and bitter and resentful and angry that even though I do EVERYTHING for EVERYONE I get nothing in return.

    – I feel annoyed that people take advantage of my kindness and sometimes even feel the need to voice how I enable them to do it
    – I feel sad that showing compassion and kindness makes people think I am a doormat
    – I like helping people and I like that I am teaching my son that it is good to be kind
    – I love that even though people do not always repay my kindness I can still love enough not to ask for a favour in return and can still be generous to those people

    I feel horrible and selfish that I feel upset because I worked my butt off twelve years to have a good job which I gave up to be there for my son and now feel lost and lonely and have been forced to move house and start all over again so have nothing to show for all the hard work I did.

    – I feel weird that I lost a big part of my life and the financial security I had built
    – I feel scared that I am no longer totally in control of my financial security
    – I feel sad that I lost the social aspects to working
    – I feel relieved I am no longer doing a job that provided security but did not excite me
    – I feel excited that I am now pursuing my dream of doing a degree and changing my career to do something I am passionate about
    – I feel proud when people tell me I am brave to follow my dream and they wish they could do the same
    – I feel elated every day when I am able to drop my son off at school and pick him up myself which I couldn’t do when I was working

    I feel angry that everyone else I know just seems to land loving relationships.

    – I don’t like being alone
    – My loneliness makes me sad
    – I love that I am beginning to recognise my feelings and feel them rather than boxing them all up

    I feel demotivated because I have let myself get out of shape.

    – I don’t like being overweight and unhealthy
    – I don’t feel attractive or sexy
    – Eating chocolate makes me feel better for a while
    – I love chocolate….lol
    – I am excited that I can begin a journey to a better and healthier way of life just for me and nobody else

    I feel upset that I have allowed myself to get depressed to the point I have to take anti-depressents to get through the day.

    – I hate that I have become depressed and have bad OCD
    – I feel grateful that I have a wonderful doctor and certain friends and family that are totally understanding and amazing about this
    – I feel wonderful that I am able to recognise my problems and get help for them and can now offer advice to my friends and family who may be going through similar situations which I could not empathise with before
    – I love my dark cloud moments because they make the good moments so much sweeter

    I feel like the world is unjust and cannot understand why all the people who have taken advantage of my love and kindness get to live happy lives while I am left to pick up the pieces.

    – I hate that people who treat others unfairly get to be happy
    – I wish that everyone I met was honest and kind and considerate
    – I am proud that despite these people I am able to get back up and continue my life and still have a good and kind heart

    I am sick of crying and wondering WHY!!

    – I hate feeling like a victim
    – I hate feeling bad inside
    – I like that I am able to distinguish my feelings and I am learning to feel them
    – I love that I am able to feel and cry and express my emotions

    I am tired of waiting.

    – I feel like my life is passing by so fast and I am scared I will be left lonely
    – I hate that I am becoming impatient
    – I love that knowing I am impatient and that life is passing by is making me more aware of the need to live and love every moment

    I feel like “what’s the point”??!!

    – I feel intrigued to ask myself this question
    – I know the first and foremost answer is that I have to do it all for my son
    – I want to concentrate on doing it for myself as well
    – I feel selfish doing things just for myself
    – I love that I can concentrate on doing things just for myself

    I feel that to accept I have what I have and won’t have anything more will stop me from having false hope so I will just get on with my life.

    I feel sad that I need to accept that but I feel like I cannot take any more disapointments.

    – I dislike that I feel so tired that I cannot take any more disapointments
    – I feel sad that I have to accept that this is all I will have
    – My sadness makes me feel determined to do better for myself and to be open to the possibility that good things could happen if I allow them to
    – I love thinking that good things will happen

    I feel resentful that even though I attract men they are toxic and draining.

    – I feel sad that these are the men I attract
    – I feel excited that I found Rori and the sirens and I am working to fix this
    – I feel happy that I read about so many success stories and that I can turn this around

    I feel like burying my head in the sand.

    – I feel overwhelmed by everything some days
    – I feel happy that I have not yet buried my head and I am still able to keep going

    I feel tired of fighting to get everything I need on my own.

    – I feel sad I have to do everything on my own
    – I embrace my sad feelings
    – I feel empowered that I have managed to keep everyone going despite all that I have been through and that I am a strong woman

    I feel UGH, and AAGGGHHH and GRRRRRR

    – I love my UGH and AAGGGHHH and GRRRRRR feelings

    I just want to QUIT. I don’t want to try anymore. I feel like men have ruined my life and I have let them.

    – I feel sad and tired of trying
    – I will feel like a failure if I quit
    – I don’t really want to quit I want to conquer
    – I feel relieved that I found this programme and I am learning what to do to avoid the men I don’t want and how to learn and grow from all the men who affected my life so far
    – I feel happy I have learned so much and can understand how to change my behaviour to have better relationships in the future


  130.  #130Anne-Marie on June 30, 2010 at 7:45 pm

    Thanks for the help! Great quote Tallgirl10. It must be hard the cutting contact thing. I’m still not sure what direction I will take because at the end of the day even if its just friendship I don’t think I want to loose that because he is such a good friend its just if I can get past my feelings and not hope it will change to just see it as a friendship, but then again we all now when there are feelings involved we are always holding out that things will change, so confusing and yep it shouldn’t be right. Has anyone been able to turn a friendship into something more than that using these tools I’ve only just started with Rori so haven’t practised on him yet hehe????????? I have started chatting with other guys so I am not focused on him and really he does the leading in this friendship I don’t chase!!

  131.  #131Anne-Marie on June 30, 2010 at 8:00 pm


    You don’t think if someone follows your tools that you can change a friensdhip into more when he was attracted to you in the start and acted into you when you first met but then died down to a freindship?

  132.  #132Ankita on July 1, 2010 at 5:21 am

    Hey sirens

    Gotta ask you all for a communication help…

    At times when I talk to guys, I run out of topic. Since I don’t talk too much, my mind starts to wander what should I ask him now….

    What you all talk about? I mean, topics..!!

    Will really appreciate any feedback… 🙂

  133.  #133Jennifer on July 1, 2010 at 5:23 am

    I wanna message judo instructor on POF and ask him what a nice judo instructor like him is doing on a cheesy dating site like this….LOL
    But I’m not gonna.
    I’m a goddess…I am a siren. I’m cool and majical and mysterious and alluring.
    I do not lean forward…men chase ME!!!
    They show up with gifts and flowers and candy and adoration.
    I will lean back.

  134.  #134Lizzie on July 1, 2010 at 8:15 am

    wonder woman I am taking liberties and practicing with your messages –

    “I feel like I have to work a million times harder to achieve things in my life that friends of mine who have never lifted a finger seem to land without even trying.”

    I am feeling bitter that I work so hard without seeing the results others experience while doing less.

    I am feeling disillusioned with my efforts and not getting the results I want and I don’t like feeling that I am spinning my wheels, what do you think?

    I am feeling resentful that lady luck passes me by. I don’t like feeling my efforts are wasted, what do you think?

  135.  #135Lizzie on July 1, 2010 at 8:21 am

    “I am sick of crying and wondering why”

    I feel empty and drained of all my living energy, this is a really awful feeling and I don’t like it, what do you think?

    I am feeling misgivings and apprehension about the program, and I don’t want it to be all for not, what do you think?

    I am feeling sad and powerless and like I am shrinking into nothingness, I don’t like feeling unimportant, what do you think?

  136.  #136Lizzie on July 1, 2010 at 8:25 am

    now this is interesting – when I re-read; speak the feeling messages I just wrote – I am drawn in and want to listen deeply; I wonder is that the effect it has on our guy???

  137.  #137Vicki Kerns on July 1, 2010 at 8:25 am

    Hi Sirens-

    Reading this title makes me smile, in a sad way. I’ve been listening to my Rori CDs (just got Commitment Blueprint), there’s so much valuable information in all these tools. And while the man I’ve been in love with for 5 years has definitely noticed all the changes in me, I prayed on the drive into work this morning for strength because I know what I have to do with this man. I have to give up, on him. He doesn’t love me. Is there chemistry between us? There has been from the moment we met. Do we have wonderful times together? Always. A comfortable, easy camaraderie unlike any other I’ve ever known.

    Was the sex good? Mindblowing. For the first time in my life, I understood what it was supposed to be like. I came alive, my libido awoke. That’s been one of the hardest things among all of this; how incredible it was but it was only friends with benefits. Is there attraction there? I’m sure there is. I mean, a couple of weeks ago when I was all dressed up in my new Ren Fest coat (which accentuates every curve), he couldn’t take his eyes off of me, as he admitted to me later. And full of compliments how fantastic I looked, and sexy, and how he had interesting dreams. Does this all mean anything? No. The compliments were just that. And having interesting dreams. Well, he is a man after all.

    I’ve always thought that maybe somehow, some way, something would change and things might be different between us. I’ve always held that hope in my heart. I’ve never felt like this about anyone in my life. I’ve always been able to get over any guy, eventually. Why this one has been the most difficult of my life, I don’t know. And I’ve always tried to figure out why he can’t love me. I’ve tried to examine the kind of women he’s dated in the past. From my observations, he seems to be attracted to emotional unavailable women (hmmm, now that trait sounds strangely familiar). Is it my fault that he can’t love me? NO, it is not. And I realize, and have to admit, that as much as I’ve been using all these tools to make positive changes in me, I’ve also done it a lot in the hopes that it would make him want me.

    I know by making these changes in myself, I’m doing wonderful things for me, my future, my whole being, but I also realize that I have to stop doing it in the hopes it will make changes with him. I have to make these changes totally for me, myself, be selfish and commit to myself with no thought of him, or any other man for that matter. And that is a difficult thing to do. But I guess the realization of it is half the battle, eh?

    Why is it so hard to let go? God, my life would be so much easier if I could just get this man out of my heart. I’ve never been a big dater. The men just haven’t been there. Well, from listening to Rori and all the changes I’ve been making, I understand more why. I wasn’t there for myself and when someone did approach, it was like famine or feast. It’s such a process. Baby steps, yes I know, baby steps. And I’ve tried with no success, but I am making myself go out and socialize more. I am a work in progress.

    Is it possible things could change? Sure, anything’s possible. Is it possible he could change? Of course, but he has to do it and/or want to do it. Maybe he’s content just as he is. He was burned by an ex-wife and has not had a serious relationship (that I know of) since. He may spend the rest of his life that way. And while that is sad, it is not my problem, nor my quest to change.

    What is the hardest to admit is this. If he really wanted me, wanted a relationship with me, wanted to love me…he would. There would be no excuses, no life events, no timing issues, that would stop it. Plain and simple. You either want something, or you don’t. And that is the hardest part, I think, for me to accept. That I could love him with all my heart so much. That I could love him, easily, for the rest of my life. But he doesn’t want that with me, end of story.

    One of the hardest things for me is that I think about him all the time. I’m trying, Rori. I wish I just had a switch in my head and heart that I could just turn off and block him out of there. Am I going to keep making these changes in me. Hell yes. Am I going to keep working the tools? Yes, for ME.

    I know all you wonderful sirens have so many things going on too. Some situations much more dire than mine, but it’s really nice to know that you’re out there, being supportive and sisterly. Thanks for listening. It helps just being able to put it down and get it out there. Have a wonderful and happy 4th.

  138.  #138Lizzie on July 1, 2010 at 8:58 am

    Vicki I am feeling such sadness.

    How do you know your man doesn’t love you? You speak of all the wonderfulness – chemistry, awesome sex, etc etc. How is it that it was friends with benefits? Did you post other background before and I missed it?

  139.  #139dorothea on July 1, 2010 at 9:10 am

    i feel sooooooooooooooooo excited, today’s groupon is 55% off brazilian straightening at a very good salon here, so i can finally afford to get my hair straightened and free up soooo much time from not straightening it every other day. i just gained so much life. good bye hair slavery.

  140.  #140Brenda on July 1, 2010 at 9:21 am


    I don’t ask questions, for the most part. When I run out of stuff to say, I try to be silent or give a feeling message. That’s why I like Rori’s tools cuz I can just go into feeling inside, doing one of her visualizations. I picture myself a siren resting on a rock in the sun, grounded in the rock, full of life and femininity. And let the man carry the conversation for the most part. Sometimes I just start to describe how I feel about something I’m touching, like my cell phone, or seeing, like a beautiful tree. And just that brings out our femininity, when we talk about everything we feel, while letting the man lead, even in conversation.

  141.  #141Vicki Kerns on July 1, 2010 at 9:29 am

    Well Lizzie, I don’t know that he doesn’t love me, in his own way, or as much as he can. Or maybe he only loves me as a friend. He’s told me that he doesn’t ever want to lose my friendship. And we’ve been friends for years, with periods of intense flirting. Back in 2007, he had been dating another woman. I asked him if he loved her and he said yes. But she wanted a husband, period. And he wasn’t willing, so she dumped him and is now on husband #4. Shortly after, my mom died, my world fell out from under me, and I moved to another state, wrote him an emotional email ending the friendship, and tried to move on.

    I came back to visit our renaissance festival and went to a party at some friends. I had avoided him all day but he was at the party and kept looking at me. I finally looked at him and said hi. He got up, came over, and sat by me the rest of the night. He told me how much he’d missed me, and we talked for hours. At this time, the move to a different state wasn’t working out financially so I decided to move back. I started coming up almost weekly looking for work, a place to live, and yes, to see him. We started going out, he took me to fun places, out to dinners, bought me things, took me to his mom’s for Xmas Eve dinner, he showed me everywhere he’d lived and all his photos/memorabilia so I could “get to know more about him and his life”, even told me he wished he’d met me 25 years ago.

    One night, he even put his arm around me and held my hand. So, I’d call that dating, wouldn’t you? Apparently not. This went on for 8 weeks. One night, we got to tickling each other and the next thing I know we were making out like crazy. He made the comment, “I know how you feel about me and I don’t want to take advantage of you.” Yes, that statement should have been THE major red flag for me but I had wanted him for soooo long, had dreamed of that moment, and I hadn’t had sex in 11 years, so I stomped that little voice down and forged ahead. It was the most incredible night of my life. I’ve never been with a man who was more giving than him. I was sky high over the moon.

    Well, the next evening we had tickets to a concert and he wasn’t exhibiting any romantic gestures but I stifled the feeling of “Oh oh.” But after the concert, he drove me back to the hotel, gave me a quick hug and kiss and said he was tired and going to head home. As soon as the door closed, I laid my head on it and went, “Oh God, not again, please.”

    Long story shortened, we later talked about it, he said he couldn’t date right then because he had a kid living at home, yada, yada, excuse, excuse, and that he thought we could have something special down the road. Which I believed, but know in my heart was just an easy way to not only let me down but let himself off the hook.

    So we kept being friends as we’ve always been, hanging out, having fun, but there was this underlying sexual tension. About 2 months later, we couldn’t stand it anymore and agreed to be friends with benefits. So that happened a few times until Memorial Day of 2009, when he came over, we pretty much spent a mindblowing day in bed. And I’ve always replayed our conversation in bed over and over. He said, “Hasn’t any man ever done this for you?” (referring to giving me pleasure). Me, “No, not like you have. Thank you.” Whereas, he seems to get almost mad, saying “Some men are so selfish. They should always make sure a woman is taken care of. Don’t ever let another man…” and he stopped and didn’t finish his sentence. That was the last time we were together physically. But the thing here is, he didn’t inform me of that. After months went by, I “got it.”

    Did I say anything? No, I just stuffed it all down until after our faire was over, saw a post on his Facebook about meeting a girl one weekend and how good it was to be single, and then I had a meltdown and emailed him. Now I did try to use feeling messages but I basically said that even though we had just been friends with benefits, as one of my supposed best friends, his just leaving me hanging without a word to me was a pretty shitty thing for a friend to do and that I was ending our friendship.

    So now it’s this year. We’ve been in touch again, he added me to his Facebook (which shocked the hell out of me), we’ve been chatting (sometimes with great innuendo), he’s come by and brought me gifts, taken me out to dinner, but we’re back to the same old, same old, and the rest is history.

  142.  #142Kathryn on July 1, 2010 at 9:41 am

    Hi Vicki….
    Reading your post today( and my 1st time on this blog)…really hit home. I am 47, widowed and actually found my love and most wonderful man a little over 2 years ago. He really really is one of the good guys and sweet, smart and kind to the core.

    He has been divorced 4 years and has 4 kids…I have 1…he has a good career and we have manuvered and managed to carve out a great, respectful relationship…our families and extended families really like each…everything just “fits” and I did all the “right” things when we first met – I was very proud of myself!…and yes the sex is mindblowing for both of us….
    However, he can’t say he loves me…he cares deeply, he does not want to see anyone else, he calls when he says he will – we are always in contact…I don;t have to worry. About 18 months ago I couldn’t stand it anymore and I said “I love you” first. He experienced big rejection in his divorce…so I wanted to give hi, “time”, I have made the excuses for him, we have excellent communication and have talked about this and how I feel rejected when I say I love you and he says Thank You, back. Wow. He did say Love You on texts and to me this past Jan. and Feb. then stopped about 2 months ago….
    so we had a big talk about this last night, he says he doesn’t know why he can’t say it but he doesn’t want to break up. Plus I am NOT pushing him for marriage at all-he knows that… fact, it works fine for us and the timing with the kids is not right for marriage. Our kids mean the world to us and we want to respect timing and what they have been through also.

    I just want to hear the words I Love You and mean it. That’s all…
    Rori, I feel this is passive/agressive behavior and mentally confusing. Am I asking too much?…he gives me ALL the good signs all the time except for this. Nothing else is missing. Do I walk away from this wonderful man and situation?
    In fact, if I told my friends/family that he has never initiated saying I love you they would be SHOCKED…2 peas in a pod.
    What gives?

  143.  #143Kathryn on July 1, 2010 at 9:48 am

    From Kathryn again…what I meant to say is that I didn’t say i love you until 18 months INTO oour relationship….I waited for him to say it while all these wonderful things were going well for us…he took me to Paris for my birthday a year ago, he cares for my daughter…believe it or not, I think he feels so responsible all the time even though I am a working single Mom and have always supported myself.
    He has also said he is in this for the “long run” and has not “led me on” but why can’t the words I long to hear come from him? But how can I leave this beautiful thing I have found?

  144.  #144Lizzie on July 1, 2010 at 9:52 am

    geeeze Vicki – I feel like banging his head against a wall….

    I feel a real loss of words….

    Definately friend with benefits – only thing is, usually that is a discussion and agreement – doesn’t even sound like you made that an agreement.

    Does Rori have a tool for this??
    Is this the big lean back with the boundaries conversation?

  145.  #145Vicki Kerns on July 1, 2010 at 10:12 am

    Oh Lizzie, I’ve wanted to bang his head against a wall numerous times! He admitted to me (tearfully) about a year ago that he was afraid of relationships and had always gotten involved with the wrong kind of women. Well, me too (with men), but what I’ve realized since is, I’ve been the one doing the picking, same as him.

    And maybe I’m delusional, or maybe it’s just my fondest desire, is the reason he’s never gone farther with me because I AM the right kind of woman. He’s gotten involved with women he knew (probably in his heart) that it wouldn’t lead anywhere. But me, I’m that different kind of woman than he’s used to. I’m not selfish or bitchy or emotionally unavailable, and that it probably scares the hell out of him. And I think, to a point, that that is true. But there again, if he really wanted something, he could push past that.

    As for the friends with benefits thing, even with that, I didn’t put up boundaries or “rules”. I just took what crumbs he threw to me. So I don’t totally blame him because I should have trusted myself and stood up for myself. Things that I am now incorporating into my life and I will never settle for less again.

    And God, I miss the benefits so much! I never in my life craved sex like I do with this man (and it’s been over a year again). I laugh sometimes and say how much easier it would have been if sex with him had been crummy!

  146.  #146Siena on July 1, 2010 at 10:17 am

    hi Vicki, your story reads like my 5 year man! I could have written it for you, it sounds so similar!

    He was way before I found Rori, and the only thing I could do at that time was walk away in heartache (and it took me a year to not feel the intense pain of losing him).

    Nowadays, I wouldn’t be so dramatic as to end everything the way I did back then. But I definitely would start dating a ton of guys. Sign myself up on, and start remembering again how it feels to be loved by a man who wants me more than anything else in the world. Someone who wouldn’t dream of even using the word “friend” in any sentence having to do with me in case I get the wrong idea and dump him.

    CDing really does work. It sucks, it’s difficult, it’s uncomfortable… but it works. My love tank was BELOW empty, and I kept trying to find one guy to fill it up, and each one who broke up with me just depleted it more.

    Now, 7 months (and 30? more?) men later, I can honestly say that I have never felt so loved. My #1CD treats me like a queen, and is doing everything right.

    I know the difference is in myself. I BELIEVE that I deserve a good man and the whole enchilada now. And me believing it attracted a man who believes it too.

    I feel so bad that you are in this situation, but you hold the key to get out of it and to get the love that you deserve. You don’t have to do anything with this guy – no conversations, no split… nada – just get out there and date date date!

    Love to you!

  147.  #147Lizzie on July 1, 2010 at 10:57 am

    Siena and Vicki, I have just been looking at youtube videos of Isha Judd –
    seems everything she is talking about fits beautifully in Rori’s approach and tools. I am going to practice these processes over the weekend as there will be much family time with people who have typically brought considerable conflict to the relationship – I am going to try completely different approaches – feeling messages, letting go, being present. I want to experience a shift to a loving place.

  148.  #148Brenda on July 1, 2010 at 11:15 am


    Did you say something about enchiladas? 🙂

  149.  #149Siena on July 1, 2010 at 11:25 am

    Lizzie, I checked out Isha Judd’s site, very cool, thanks for sharing.

    Bren, I DID say enchilada. yum! Lunchtime!!

  150.  #150Brenda on July 1, 2010 at 11:34 am

    I like cheese enchiladas with finely diced onions, topped with fresh cilantro, grated lettuce, pico de gallo, and sour cream! Now you know the real reason I don’t have a man! 😉

  151.  #151Vicki Kerns on July 1, 2010 at 12:11 pm

    Well, enchiladas sound a whole lot more filling and appetizing than a man right now! I’ll check out that website. I’ve been on for many months with no luck. And I’ve lost 20 pounds, which, I know shouldn’t make a difference, but it does a lot of the time. But have you ever noticed that a lot of the guys on these dating sites are overweight but still want a “thin” girl??? But that’s another whole blog in itself.

    I’ve never had what you’d call an active dating life. Back in my 20s and mostly 30s, I was looking for love in all the wrong places, so there was a series of passengers on the “loser” train. From my 40s and on, I’ve gone for years between actual dates. Yes, a lot of it was me with my “old” stuff. But I am now actively seeking to date, they’re just not happening. I know I still have work to do, yes. And I am making myself get out more and socialize, but hell, if somebody would ask me out, I would go.

    I’ve had initial conversations with a few guys on, but they disappear after maybe 2 or 3 brief chats. And believe me, I’m leaning back in these conversations, not giving much of myself away. We’re talking just basic info stuff, not anything to turn anyone away. And yes, I know that can happen a lot, but damn it, I am trying to put myself out there as a damned sexy goddess. Maybe it just is more difficult after 50, I don’t know.

    Where are those enchiladas?

  152.  #152Vicki Kerns on July 1, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    Oh, and Siena, I would love more than anything to
    remember how it feels to be loved by a man who wants me more than anything else in the world. The only thing is, that is something I’ve never had. But damnit, I deserve it, and I’m making the changes, in baby steps, to bring it to me!!!

  153.  #153Brenda on July 1, 2010 at 12:18 pm


    You’re funny! I am not finding many dates, either, but I think my issue is too many cheese enchiladas. So you better not get badly influenced by me! 🙂

  154.  #154Lizzie on July 1, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    Oh Vicki – it is quite possible!! I am well into my 50s and if I wanted to, I am quite sure I could have a date once a week. I did all of last summer – every Friday afternoon I managed to have a golf date. And I only used POF. was a colosal waste of time for me. In fact, on Match I came across at least three men who were – what I describe as working to victimize and prey on the women. I even paid money for 6 months! I did the same with LavaLife and it was just as terrible. eHarmony, I was matched with over 800 men, had glimmers of conversations with about 5, actually met 1. The one I met, I did see on and off for 2 years. It was fun, I like the guy, but it was not a relationship I or he wished to make permanent.

    I have had the most success with POF. I must say though, I have taken a much more strategic approach, I am on “hide” at the moment so only I can make contact with the guy, and I immediately ask them to play golf with me. I am not very active right at the moment because I am extremely busy with my kids and business (I am a solo-single mom with 2 teens and I am self-employed, and I am paying off debt bigger than what most people would earn in a lifetime – as a result of a horrific divorce …bla bla bla….) Never-the-less, hiding in the weeds of POF, are a handful of good guys.

    And next week I am going speed dating!! OMG that will be so hillarious!!!

    if you want me to take a look at your profile, share your handle and if you want to look at mine, I will unhide myself and share my handle with you. You can see how I approach the dating world – not that I am so successful, afterall I am here learning like a giant sponge….

  155.  #155Vicki Kerns on July 1, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    Lizzie! Wow!!!! What is POF? I’m intrigued! My handle on is pongo1956. I’d LOVE someone to look at my profile and see how my stuff reads. Thanks!

  156.  #156Jennifer on July 1, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    Judo instructor totally messaged me!!!
    I am a godess..I am a rock star….
    He says he signed up out of curiosity only.. he’s not really looking…but he likes my pics!!!
    He messaged me.

  157.  #157Lizzie on July 1, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    Jennifer that is hysterical! how on earth did he find you?! What were you doing…sending major vibes?!

    Vicki – I am not on Match any more – do you think I am allowed to go in and see your profile? I will try….

    POF is:
    it is free – completely free
    you will die laughing – men with no shirts, men with boats, men with trucks, men with cars, men with beer, men with a cut out of former lovers – but the blond whisps across their face kinda gives it away, and the occasional sweetie. You will certainly enjoy a glass of wine perusing the plentitude….LOL

  158.  #158Jilly on July 1, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    jennifer!! That’s totally awesome!!! ; )

    So I did the change of the underwear drawer that Rori talked about in yesterday’s eletter and I’ve gotten six new emails from match…when it’s usually every so often these days…is it a coincidence?

  159.  #159Vicki Kerns on July 1, 2010 at 1:46 pm


    My picture is located here: It’s one of my new pictures and a good one. I’ll just paste my “profile” here for you to read.

    I’m a single, never married (by choice), 54-year-old lady/wench. I’m a curvy gal who is now more health conscious and working to live a healthier lifestyle and be more fit. But hey, if you’re also middle-aged and only looking for that young, Twiggy-esque gal, well good luck with that one! I am a fabulous lady with a somewhat twisted, politically incorrect sense of humor (thanks to my parents). I’ve been involved with community theatre for over 30 years and love to be on stage making people laugh. Laughter…that is the biggest turn-on there is. Life is way too short to be too serious all the time. I’m at a point in my life where I’m into doing what’s best for me. A couple of years ago I lost my mom (who was my best friend). It was a very tough time and it hit me that, hey, after having taken care of someone else for so many years, I now had to figure out where the heck MY life was headed. I moved away for awhile to be near family, then moved back home to KC. Life is a spiritual journey and quite a roller coaster ride. I have a great new house, a great new job; God has blessed my life so richly and continues to bless it daily. Rev. Joel Osteen is an inspiration to me. What people notice about me when they meet me is my eyes, my smile, and my sense of humor. The loves of my life are my 2 basset hounds. And I do loves me some basket hounds!!! I am very passionate about basset hound rescue and the treatment of animals. I’m a laid-back, easygoing lady who enjoys the simple things in life. (A freshly picked flower beats a dozen roses any day, although if you really want to splurge, I won’t turn them down!) You don’t have to spend a lot of money to have a good time. I love all types of music, from disco to big band. I love to dance and don’t get to do it nearly enough. I love camping/canoeing. I love to watch pro wrestling (something my mom and I shared since I was little). I am very handy around the house; you have to be if you’re single. I love to shop places like Lowe’s and to build things. I love a challenge and spent a year as a designer/tech director for a theatre company. I am very creative, pretty darn smart, have great common sense, and am a very warm, caring, kind, compassionate woman. The only kind of “games” I play come in a box from the store. What am I looking for? Good question. I’m not looking for a quick roll in the hay, so if that’s at the top of your list, please pass me by. One thing that I learned over the years is that, for me at least, it’s not the physical that is the biggest turn-on, it’s much more the mental/heart connection that’s important, i.e., passion, intimacy, getting to know one another, building something special, a genuine affection (dare I say it? –dare, dare– love) for each other. And those are things that don’t happen overnight. It takes time to build them. I can dress up or be casual. Yes, I do present myself well in public. I love to go out on new adventures or also enjoy staying in. Right now, I would just like to meet some new people, someone who’s interested in going out and having some fun; go to some movies, garage “sale”ing, dining out, camping/canoeing, antiquing, roller skating through Loose Park butt nekked (just seeing if you’re paying attention), or just hanging out and getting to know one another. I don’t judge a person by their physical being and appreciate the same treatment; it’s the person inside that counts the most. I want to meet someone fun with a great sense of humor and wit and who likes to tease. If you’re sarcastic and a smart-aleck, you get bonus points and I am up to the challenge. Most of all, I am looking for someone who isn’t afraid to live their life and to take a chance that love can happen again. I can dress up or be casual. Those “inner” qualities. To me, the keys to a successful relationship are honesty and communication (it hurts to be left hanging), and respect.

  160.  #160Lizzie on July 1, 2010 at 1:59 pm

    I can’t seem to get into Match – keeps kicking me out or wants to register me.
    I had advice from a few of the young things who tutor my kids on how to do a profile for on-site dating. They say to do 3 things:
    1) a bit about me
    2) a bit about you
    3) what we will do together

    keep it short and to the point (although mine is a tad long, it seems to work for me) –
    Vicki, for fun, I am going to work on yours and send it back to you later tonight – OK?

  161.  #161NewWoman on July 1, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    Lorelei – (and Wonder Woman too)

    Your posts are very moving to me because I was where you were several years ago. I wish I could give you a hug and be a friend who can be there to support you right now. I am concerned for you.

    Your mate, sounds like my xhusband. He criticizes and degrades you until you begin to question yourself and your (very valid) feelings. It’s a classic technique for an abusive man. They will purposely erode every bit of self esteem you have – the benefit for him is that it makes him feel like he’s “better than you” (so you both begin to believe he can treat you badly and it’s o.k. because he’s so superior) and that you will eventually believe you aren’t worthy of “healthy” love (and actually find someone who treats you well because you start to believe you don’t deserve it). This guy takes it even further by “turning” it on you when you set boundaries and confront him until you’re terrified to stand up for yourself and what you know is true. He doesn’t want you to be loved and happy and he’ll make sure that doesn’t happen when he’s around.

    These patterns are pretty deeply ingrained and it’s a false hope that he will “change.” He’ll just get better at tearing down your boundaries and degrade you even more. It’s not a relationship worth fighting for.

    All you can do right now is turn inward and begin to rebuild your very frail self-esteem. Don’t engage him any further. Become your own best friend. Love yourself. Treat yourself with the love and dignity you desire. Admire the fabulous work you’ve done and your skill and talent. Treat yourself – whatever it is that make you feel good and loved – chocolate, a pair of shoes, anything you want that makes you feel cared for. When you realize you can take care of yourself (and do a better job than when you’re ‘worrying about him’) he will begin to lose all of his negative power over you. You want emotional distance now and that is really wise. Use this time to “play it out” and feel how it is to live the type of life that would be ideal for you, without him. You’ll see that it’s all possible and in your own hands. Put all of your positive thoughts and energy into yourself (don’t focus on him or what he says at all).

    It won’t happen overnight, but don’t be afraid to take your life – your self – back. See it as a fresh start – a new chance to have the life you deserve (and you deserve the best life possible).

    This probably won’t get him back. I thought for a long time I wanted him – albeit a nicer him – back. But by the time he called begging I was just disgusted with him and fiercely protective of my new life and new me – there was no place for someone like him to tear it all back down again (like he had done through our whole relationship). I stopped dating entirely for awhile just to “take care” of me and to rebuild my self-esteem. The by-product of all that is that I have the beautiful home I’ve always dreamed of, a job I love and men all over my porch every time I turn around. I’ve been asked out by two different men just this week. I’m not sure I even want a man in my life again. Yet this helps me be so much more relaxed around men (I don’t need or beg for their approval – I just try to enjoy getting to know new people and I’m very careful to select people who are good for me and respectful) and that seems to draw even more men. My self-esteem is soaring now, not because of any man, but because the love and respect I give myself brings me so much happiness and joy. You’ll get there. Put YOU first, protect yourself and give yourself your heart’s desire. You have the power, the self-determination to make yourself and your life exactly the way you want it.

    Frankly I think we both know your husband isn’t going to be a part of that ideal life – he wouldn’t allow you to be happy and will do anything he can to sabatoge it. Don’t give him that power, don’t let him hold you down and drag you through the mud.

    I promise you, as a woman who walked the same path and came out on the other side, your life will only get better and better once he’s gone.

    Peace and a big hug from a friend who cares about you and that you didn’t know you had.

  162.  #162Daria on July 1, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    Yay Jennifer!

    What’s wild and cool is my guy friends came thru to visit my girlfriends yesterday, and they were gonna bring someone for me…

    and they brought THIS GUY I HAVE A CRUSH ON!!!


    he’s shy and so while my brothers and the girls were all having happy drunk sex everywhere (yes i know wild – remember my life is like a movie)

    me and him sat and watched TV. I started to feel self conscious after a few hours I’m like AACK he might not find me attractive or SOMETHING… lol…

    I kept telling myself I’m a Goddess, I’m a Goddess… I did reach out and play with his hair (its long) a tiny bit cuz i felt like it at one point.

    ohhh so finally toward the end of the nite he just pulled on my sweats and had me sit down on his lap!!! YAY!!!!!!

    he made a MOVE!!! yippeeee. and there i sat for a long while lol

    then at the very end he got my number!!! yahhh… he said hey sexy whats your number..

    dude I BEEN HAD A CRUSH ON THIS GUY!!! yes!!!!!!!

    so awesome

    and now some other guy i had a crush on on myspace commented and said hello to me… ohhh… yah!!!

    I’ve been going out partying, went fishing for crabs, took long walk, snuck on the train… having fun!

    i lost my phone now gonna get it back somehow

  163.  #163Lizzie on July 1, 2010 at 2:26 pm

    Fabulous Vicki:

    About me:
    I’m a single, fabulous, creative and energetic. I have a true zest for life and am looking to add a wonderful man as my lover and companion to enjoy all that life has to offer.
    To balance out my work life, I volunteer with a community theater where I have a ton of fun on stage-bringing laughs to people. Theatre is a joy in so many ways: I get to wield a hammer from time to time, building sets (now I understand why men love to hammer nails – it is a great strrrreessss relief!), painting to feed my creative self, and play time with so many interesting people. Very rewarding indeed!
    I also love basset hounds and belong to the hound rescue team – if you have a love of living creatures, we will have much to share.
    Often described as down to earth, warm, compassionate, open and relaxed, I can go from a camping tent to candle light dinner in a flash! A few pretty barrettes and a little black dress and just maybe something sexy underneath – I will leave that to your imagination…
    About you:
    – A “nice-guy” perhaps? Reality tells me, they never finish last…
    – Open, caring and like to try different things?
    – “family values” and maybe a Christian by how you actually live your life even if you don’t participate any more
    – In the end, it is all about how wonderful we feel being together
    What we might do together:
    Share making wonderful meals and entertaining friends
    Practicing healthy active living
    A little bit of, music, theatre, sports, travel, antiquing, garage sales, cafes, movies, visiting friends….just enjoying all that life has to offer!
    With a great warm smile, I look forward to meeting a simply terrific guy.

  164.  #164Vicki Kerns on July 1, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    Thanks Lizzie. I would really appreciate that.

  165.  #165Lizzie on July 1, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    Vicki – I couldn’t wait, I was in “flow” – #158 this is you!!
    let me know what you think – it is all your stuff, written to be more attractive.

  166.  #166dorothea on July 1, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    i am glad lizzie is helping vicki with her profile because vicki’s profile was sooo many words. i couldn’t even read it all.

    i would have gone about it differently, but i have cooky, cynical boy energy when it comes to portraying myself online, and i don’t think i would be very helpful giving it a shot.

  167.  #167Lizzie on July 1, 2010 at 3:54 pm

    HI Vicki – I think you missed seeing this – this is you!

    About me:

    I’m a single, fabulous, creative and energetic. I have a true zest for life and am looking to add a wonderful man as my lover and companion to enjoy all that life has to offer.
    To balance out my work life, I volunteer with a community theater where I have a ton of fun on stage-bringing laughs to people. Theatre is a joy in so many ways: I get to wield a hammer from time to time, building sets (now I understand why men love to hammer nails – it is a great strrrreessss relief!), painting to feed my creative self, and play time with so many interesting people. Very rewarding indeed!
    I also love basset hounds and belong to the hound rescue team – if you have a love of living creatures, we will have much to share.
    Often described as down to earth, warm, compassionate, open and relaxed, I can go from a camping tent to candle light dinner in a flash! A few pretty barrettes and a little black dress and just maybe something sexy underneath – I will leave that to your imagination…

    About you:

    – A “nice-guy” perhaps? Reality tells me, they never finish last…
    – Open, caring and like to try different things?
    – “family values” and maybe a Christian by how you actually live your life even if you don’t participate any more
    – In the end, it is all about how wonderful we feel being together

    What we might do together:

    Share making wonderful meals and entertaining friends
    Practicing healthy active living
    A little bit of, music, theatre, sports, travel, antiquing, garage sales, cafes, movies, visiting friends….just enjoying all that life has to offer!
    With a great warm smile, I look forward to meeting a simply terrific guy.

  168.  #168dorothea on July 1, 2010 at 3:54 pm

    vicki i got into your profile and i love seeing your photos. you look so inviting and friendly. i like the wench/jester headline. sooo cute.

  169.  #169Ankita on July 1, 2010 at 11:57 pm


    Thanks for those suggestions… You know what I’m concerned about??? Vishal is a very talkative guy, and from 2 days nearly, he is speaking little less than he used to… I keep listening when he speaks & try never to interrupt him, but old habit dies hard, still am trying my best…

    Last night, I was telling him how I love to see the moonlight & also that I love how the breeze is going through my face, and that I can see my long hair flowing in the mirror as air gushed through them…

  170.  #170Ankita on July 2, 2010 at 12:06 am


    You know what happened??? Vishal knows that I know Jai(my ex) just through orkut & that we did never talk on phone or met…

    Vishal called Jai a “Loser”, “good-for-nothing senior”… I felt amused and asked him what makes him say him so… He said that he was never a very good guy…..

  171.  #171Ankita on July 2, 2010 at 12:11 am


    I forgot to tell one thing…

    My DAD has given me the ULTIMATUM.. He wants me to marry by the end of 26-27 years…. I told this to Vishal… I didn’t hint it out to him, but I just conveyed to him that I wanna get married in the next 6 years, or max. 7…. I HOPE I DID THE RIGHT THING BY TELLING HIM THAT I GOTTA BE SERIOUS IN SOMEDAY….

    Though honestly, I don’t wanna get married so soon as I feel I haven’t lived my life enough yet, and I conveyed that to him too, but then told him that I should be ready by then…. He reasoned with me that 26-27 years is a lot more for girls in our religion, & that I should be ready for marriage by then.. I said I’m afraid my husband will stop my engineering career, Vishal replied, “He won’t. You need not worry. You’ll be able to do what you want. If he’s genuine guy, he won’t….” (I don’t get if he meant anything by saying so..!!)

  172.  #172Ankita on July 2, 2010 at 12:18 am

    I don’t understand what’s going on in his brain…. 3-4 days ago, he confessed he likes me a lot, and wants a future with me… And next, he said that he is a very responsible guy, and has brothers- sisters to marry off before he can. It’ll take him 6 years(same as me).. So it’s a long time to go….. I agreed….

    2 days ago, he told me, that he isn’t into any other girl… And that the girl he’s into, doesn’t trusts him enough..(That girl is me..)..!! Sometimes I find it really difficult to trust him, after my hard betrayal…. I feel bad about that…..

    Now the night before yesterday, we talked till 4:30 AM, he asked for two kisses, one goodnight, and another good morning… I joked, “Sir, aren’t you going to sleep tonight?”, He, “Oh ya, but unless you don’t kiss me, I won’t fall asleep…”.. I giggled and blowed him kisses…..

    He sets my head spinning by his confusing state… 😛

  173.  #173Jennifer on July 2, 2010 at 6:05 am

    I feel uncertain.
    I feel gauche and geeky.
    I have exchanged several messages on POF with judo instructor..he likes my pics!!!!! He says he figures I’m inundated with emails. *giggle*
    I asked what kind of photography he does!!!!
    He does nudes and intimates with the occasional erotic thrown in. He has a book coming out later this year!!!!!
    SHUT UP!
    And now I feel like an idiot.
    How is it that I am assuming this guy is interested in me?
    He could just be being nice.
    Like when you see someone you know in the mall and you make small talk.
    He’s like the coolest guy ever!!!
    Wow…I feel sinking in my chest. I feel little lewserish.

  174.  #174Jennifer on July 2, 2010 at 6:12 am

    I feel outta my league.
    I feel parochial.
    I wish I wasn’t feeling outta my league.

  175.  #175Wonder Woman on July 2, 2010 at 6:37 am

    Lizzie – I am glad you used my post to practice your feeling messages. I am not very well versed at the feeling messages, I feel very awkward when I do/say them so it is a great learning experience for me. 🙂

  176.  #176Daria on July 2, 2010 at 8:29 am

    Jennifer- you are trippin homegirl!

    The guy flirts with u in class and Found u on Pof and is now telling u he likes ur pics. Clearly he’s into u!

    If I were u I would use this opportunity to embrace my insecurities that are revealing themselves. Hugs to the insecurities!

  177.  #177Daria on July 2, 2010 at 8:32 am

    Ankita- what’s confusing here?

    Ps-you are still cding right?

  178.  #178Wonder Woman on July 2, 2010 at 9:15 am

    Just wondering… any of the other sirens find facebook a disadvantage to their ability be a goddess??

    Initially when I first attempted online dating I was following my old ways of leaning forward and was getting riled up everytime I saw the guy I was “into” online but now I am practising not getting so attached I don’t bother too much. That said I don’t go into the search option too much because seeing them online does make me feel yucky at times.

    Facebook is a different matter. I find I go into stalk mode and end up investigating every hint of another date etc. Old insecurities aside I do find women can be very flirty on this website and it drives me insane. I deactivated my account several weeks ago and haven’t been tempted to fall over myself for Limbo Man as much as I usually fall over myself but the other day out of curiosity I ventured back onto facebook and can only say if I had been looking at it every day I would be in a mess right now because there is a girl who is obviously joking/flirting with him and I’m not sure I couldn’t have brought that up with him. As it is I think he thinks I am very cool because I am not being too needy and in his face but for sure I could not have held out if I known that…!! What do you all think?? How do other cope with those situations??

  179.  #179Ankita on July 2, 2010 at 10:48 am


    Yup baby..!! Am still CDing… And I’ll continue to do so until he(or whoever is the one for me) steps up and claims me…

    After all, am not married, so why should I behave like one…!!???
    But ya, I’m not telling him anything about these all… He doesn’t knows yet that I CD.. But I’ve told him that I have male friends, i can go out with…

    What’s confusing—

    I feel pretty confused that one day he steps up & talks about future (esp. 80% of these details include how he would like to make love to me), & the next day he says let’s take it slow as we aren’t so sure about each other, as we’ve known each other for just 1 year… He says to take it slow… But wants to touch me really soon, did even call me to his room, I denied, saying that I will feel uncomfortable, it’s too soon, we shouldn’t rush….

  180.  #180Ankita on July 2, 2010 at 10:53 am

    Wonder Woman

    Yes, it can serve as a disadvantage, but what i feel is that it’s our insecurity that drives us insane. I remember looking at my ex’s fb page, only to see that his gf has also joined his list, and that did drive me nuts….

    Even now on orkut, I often check other people’s scraps, though I know that scraps aren’t the only way to communication.. He can talk to the girls he likes on phone, and i can’t do anything about it, perhaps…. I might not even know…. But still, i feel tempted to check, and I don’t feel good when I do so….

  181.  #181Jennifer on July 2, 2010 at 11:00 am

    Daria…I’m working on ..I really am.
    I keep thinking he said he thought I was inundated with emails BECAUSE of the disclaimer.
    But either way… I need to suck this up.
    This is the coolest guy I have ever met. I feel safe around him. I even allowed him to choke me in class as part of a demonstration. I REALLY hate that sensation.
    And a photo book?!?!!?!?
    Shut up. Software design. Judo. Photograhy.
    Does Rori have any advice on how to act if the guy in your rotation is freaking you out with how cool he is?

  182.  #182Ankita on July 2, 2010 at 11:01 am


    What more I find confusing is that,

    one day he opens up his heart & tells me his stories of his past, and that how he started liking me and we’ve a long 6 years before we can marry, so we should be patient…..
    Next day, he stops in his track to phone sex when i wonder if he’s truly into me or in my body… And he says that he won’t be calling me at night anymore coz i don’t trust him… I get upset and keep the phone….
    Next day he gives hint that he likes me, but tells clearly that he’s a shy guy, and it’ll be nearly very hard for him to say, “I love you.”, and that he wants the girl to initiate, sometimes….

  183.  #183Wonder Woman on July 2, 2010 at 11:19 am


    Yes….almost definately it stems from a place of insecurity for me. However, I do think that these social networking sites make it extremely easy for people to flirt in ways that would normally not be available therefore making it difficult for me to date some of these men.

    For example, years ago I would go out, meet a guy, date him and our only form of communication was the phone so we had direct contact but I didn’t stress about what he was doing because a few days here and there with no communication was the norm and I was not exposed to his behaviour so my mind wouldn’t try to reason his behaviour.

    Now I find (and this has been the same several times over recently) that I find men and then they are openly flirting and replying to women they would either not normally have regular contact with or I would not be directly faced with if it was not for these sites. I do believe that having access to so many women is exciting for these men and in my experience I have even come across women trying to out flirt me if I have put a comment on a mans page. Example, I had commented on one guys page about what a great party he had and another woman put a comment directly underneath saying how much she wanted to see him and I felt I was getting into a show down with her. I can see why men in particular find this an easy route to women and why this is feeding women’s insecurity. I am now actively seeking men who are not subscribed to these websites because I am finding it hard to deal with. I suppose I am wondering how to deal with this situation. Are we supposed to ignore this and accept it or say it makes us feel uncomfortable?? I would feel like I am exposing my stalkingness if I mention it because to notice means I would have to be checking his page weekly/daily/hourly??!!

  184.  #184Ankita on July 2, 2010 at 11:35 am

    Wonder Woman

    I don’t feel ignoring our feelings can help us… We need to accept and embrace them….

    I am telling you what I try whenever i get such an urge, you can try it too, it’s really helpful…

    Whenever am on fb, if I feel the urge to check out someone I don’t want to, I immediately log out, and then feel what I am feeling, and then engage myself in some other work, which needs a real focus from me…. After sometime, I find I don’t feel the urge anymore….

    Don’t be afraid to expose your stalkingness, coz unless we don’t know our weakness, we keep on repeating them over and over again, and always get the same result….

  185.  #185Wonder Woman on July 2, 2010 at 11:49 am


    Yes thank you. I will try your technique. There is a lot of logic to that for me. Desensitising myself to my reaction.

    I want to release myself of this trigger.

  186.  #186Jennifer on July 2, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    Judo instructor’s book is about Vulvas. A photo book of vulvas.
    Cause he thinks they are the most beautiful form nature ever created. And he wants to dispel the myth that there is a “normal”.

  187.  #187Siena on July 2, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    Jennifer, LOL! I would feel intimidated, for sure! Go for it! There’s a reason he’s shown up in several places in your life… you’re a lucky woman!

  188.  #188Daria on July 2, 2010 at 1:36 pm


    so my experiment is getting very experimenty.

    First of all – I lost my phone.

    So this has meant that, no one can call me, I can’t even get my voicemails. Instead I HAVE TO CALL.

    So i’ve been calling men – AND IT FEELS FREE and FUN!!

    2 men have given me old cell phones (but so far neither was good enough to hook up)

    I’ve been CD’ing with new people

    I feel confused and FUN about this calling men feeling FUN thing – I mean it really feels LOVELY, I don’t do it when I’m feeling needy

    so whatsup?

    whats the deelio here?

    men seem pretty into me when i’ve called them too

  189.  #189Simply Shannon on July 2, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    I’m baaaccckkk! Hehe!

    So I finished up my Man Fast yesterday. I stopped posting here very much in an effort to really get out of my head about this whole boy/dating thing. My fast ended yesterday. Woke up to emails from Mr. Fab Kisser and three letters from him in my mailbox. I’m pretty sure he missed me. 😉 I have a date tonight with him.

    I’ve got someone to take some pics for me next week for my online profile. I feel excited to have some real pics and not just self portraits with my cellphone. I’m going to sign back up on Match. It’s all falling into place. I literally got a Match discount email yesterday. It was kind of like God saying “Yes I’m being serious. I want you to go back on Match. He’s on there.” Swoon!

    The really funny part is that in the beginning I didn’t think I would be able to hold out for a month. And now at the end of the fast, I’m feeling freaked out about dating again. I KNOW God is going to send me someone wonderful soon. Eeek!

  190.  #190Daria on July 2, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    Yay SHANNON!!

  191.  #191Jennifer on July 2, 2010 at 3:10 pm

    Ok, Wow.
    Judo instructor says he’d love to feature me in the book.
    It would be confidential.
    Ok…how do I feel about that?
    I feel like mine is ugly…
    I feel like if I take my clothes off around him I’m gonna wanna do it.
    I feel good that he said he would understand if it was too wierd for me.
    I feel like I don’t know what to say now.

  192.  #192Siena on July 2, 2010 at 6:34 pm

    Jennifer, you realize this is from an episode of Sex in the City, right? Go for it!

  193.  #193Jennifer on July 2, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    This is an episode of sex and the city? I never watched that so I don’t know.
    What happened? Did it go well?
    I feel worried that sleeping with him will make me all emotionally attached.
    Cause I’ve got a huge crush on him…….
    Then I feel worried I’d be a stage 10 clinger….no goddess vibe in that.
    But mmmmmmmmm……it really IS tempting.

  194.  #194Jennifer on July 2, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    Ya know what?
    I just emailed him and said that it’s the coolest project Ive ever heard of. I hesitate to be included for two reasons
    A) I am convinced that this part of me is not…aesthetically pleasing. And
    B) If I get naked in front of you I’m gonna want to sleep with you. I worry that I would become very emotional since I have a huge crush on you. I have been very cautious with my emotions lately. What do you think?

    Well…that’s a little scary.’s my truth. Wow…I’m totally vunerable here. Wow.

  195.  #195Ankita on July 2, 2010 at 8:36 pm

    Yay Shannon…. I feel so happy and excited for you…. Woohooo……

  196.  #196Ankita on July 2, 2010 at 8:41 pm


    I did challenge Vishal that he can’t kiss me on our 1st date since he is a shy guy… He did it back to me by challenging me to touch his ***** on 1st date… Huh…

    I feel like withdrawing my challenge…. 😛

  197.  #197Simply Shannon on July 2, 2010 at 9:07 pm

    Jennifer: You have officially graduated with a magna cum laude degree from the Rori Raye Institute. BRAVA on the speech! I can’t wait to hear what he says back. I feel incredibly impressed!!!

  198.  #198dARIA on July 2, 2010 at 10:17 pm

    geezus Jennifer! That was so right on!

    I’m going to use that! I can’t believe you wrote that! I am totally with Shannon. That is sooo cool. Jeez. wow. I’m like blown away.

    this is awesome honesty. it doesnt even sound weird or contrived at all. I feel so opened up and excited – hehe even that sounds contrived. I feel juiced. hehe!

  199.  #199Sweetpea on July 2, 2010 at 11:55 pm

    I feel alternately like my life is spinning out of control & come to a complete standstill. I haven’t been able to find a job. I haven’t even had a call back on any of the 48 resumes I’ve sent out. I’ve basically given up on dating. I’m still CDing – getting tons of emails, & using feeling messages in my responses. I’ve even agreed to meet a couple of guys, but really the only way I can is to meet after dark because I can’t leave my dog home anymore & that’s the only time it’s cool enough to take her with me. It feels icky meeting guys after dark. It feels unsafe & like it sends a message that I’m not respecting myself. I went out with a guy late Wednesday night & he was a total creep. I’m thinking I’m going to take a hiatus.

    The thing is, Steppin’ Up Man is still totally stepping up. I’m starting to fall for him I think, but I’m still thinking I’d at least like the option of having kids & he had a vasectomy. So I’m questioning. Other than that, he’s everything I could ask for. He cooks for me all the time – or takes me out – every night I’m available, he walks my dog with me, takes her to the park to play fetch & has nicknamed me “Luscious.” (That feels really good). When I need to go to the store (which I have to do after dark), he takes me – even though he has to get up early for work, because he wants to make sure I’m safe. He’s even doing everything in his power to figure out a way to move me in with him because he knows I’m stressed beyond measure here. He actually applied for a loan & is looking to sell his condo because I mentioned to him in passing that I need a house cuz of my dog.

    I’ve already told him I’m dating until I have a ring on my finger. I think if things were moving any faster. I’d totally freak out. So I don’t know what to do. I really need a job & a place of my own! But if he comes up with a plan to get me out of here, I’m going! I’m thinking I will tell him @ that point that it’s temporary until I can get a place of my own.

    I feel happy about how things are going & I don’t want to mess things up. I slept with him & he hasn’t withdrawn – & we are soooo compatible sexually. He text me “good morning” every morning, good night every night, calls me when he gets off work & wants to spend as much time with me as possible. I feel so adored. Six months ago this would have totally freaked me out. I can’t hardly believe I’m ok with it now. I would ever have been able to just lean back & receive like I have been & he just keeps giving. He was on the phone with his mom Tuesday night when I got to his house & when I got there he said “I have to go. Sweetpea is here.” Then mentioned to me that he told his mom about me. THAT did freak me a little. I feel a lil anxiety when I think about that.

    Any suggestions anyone?

  200.  #200Daria on July 3, 2010 at 3:00 am

    Sweetpea- now that is a quality problem. Can we say success story? And it’s all underground too… I didn’t know u were having such a great ” issue”. Following and feeling tight abt this

  201.  #201Jennifer on July 3, 2010 at 5:14 am

    Hey Guys..thanks..I feel more than a little rockstar too.
    I’m all Mick Jagger up in this thing.
    I feel nervous about what he will say too. But I feel like…it will be ok either way. I’m a tough chick. He can’t break me. After the shit B put me through..this is a cake walk.
    I told my GF that even though this is scary, I feel way safer with this guy on this level of vunerability that I did with B after 6 years.
    How friggin telling is that?
    I know it’s a moot point..but I wanna email B and just be like “wow…you don’t even know how much of a douche bag you are. You are so far from cool that it would take the light from cool a million years to reach your position.Douche bag”
    But that’s ungodessy.

  202.  #202Siena on July 3, 2010 at 8:22 am

    Sweetpea, I agree with Daria… I like Stepping Up guy! Vasectomies are reversable- have you guys talked about that?

  203.  #203tinque on July 3, 2010 at 8:26 am

    Jennifer – this is so amazing, not only the circumstances but most importantly your response to it all. your e-mail was awesome.
    but I have to tell you that your parts are not ugly. no one has “pretty parts”. they are all rather funny looking, yet they are all beautiful in their strangeness, the folds, the changes in color, more pronounced as one gets older, the mystery of it all. men, all men are attracted to it no matter what it looks like, and they will find her beautiful, no matter what you think.
    men’s parts are rather funny looking too after all, but we love our men’s bits. we are infinitely fascinated by them too.
    so my dear please stop telling yourself you don’t have lovely lady bits, for you do. take a good look at her in the mirror, and embrace her, not literally obviously unless you are a cirque de soleil contortionist. love her, for she is incredible, AND she can feel SO good.

  204.  #204Rori Raye on July 3, 2010 at 9:04 am

    Welcome Annamarie, and Thank you for all your wonderful sharing…Love, Rori

  205.  #205Rori Raye on July 3, 2010 at 9:09 am

    Kathryn, Welcome – and it’s hard to know what’s going on from here – and this is my take: When you give up NEEDING, wanting, and putting so much energy into your agenda of hearing those words – he’ll likely stop digging in his heels so much. It’s become like this mountain between you – and he just can’t climb it. It might be true he doesn’t know if he loves you. It might be true he may be a man who just can’t speak those words. You can choose to be with him or not based on those words – I’d ask you to work on this in YOU. If you can get yourself away from this, get a sense of humor about it inside yourself, and just get rid of it in your energy field – I’d like to see what happens then…Love, Rori

  206.  #206Rori Raye on July 3, 2010 at 9:10 am

    New Woman, Welcome and thank you so much for your story and insight. Love, Rori

  207.  #207Ankita on July 3, 2010 at 9:19 am

    I feel afraid.

    I feel afraid of my insecurity.

    I feel afraid I might not fall into the same old patterns as before.

    I am happy, & I feel afraid to be, lest it might not last.

    I feel afraid that I feel so much love for Vishal.

    I feel afraid as he might not go away.

    I want to make our relationship work, I feel afraid I might not over-function.

    I want him to be mine forever. I feel afraid I might lose him.







  208.  #208Ankita on July 3, 2010 at 9:29 am

    I feel kinda freaked out, when I see I feel so good with him.. Touchwood..!!

    I feel like it’s all moving so fast, and I conveyed it to him, when he invited me to his room, I told him,” You know what? I feel like it’s all moving so fast. Before we get so much intimate, i wanna get to know you well first. And it’s only a year since we know each other. I feel uncomfortable at such a pace.”

    He said he trusts me, & I feel afraid lest I might not ever break them… I feel afraid that he doesn’t knows who I’m.. (Perhaps it’s not even the right to tell, after all, everyone has skeletons in their closets.. And some are very very hard to disclose…)

    I feel afraid that I’m genuinely into him…
    I feel afraid as to I might not freak out & start over-functioning, over-giving, over-nurturing, and scare him….
    I’m tired of being a sometime relationship girl… I want to be his ‘now & forever’….

  209.  #209Jennifer on July 3, 2010 at 9:30 am

    ok, here is my response….holy crap. I didn’t see this coming.
    Regarding A) … I’ve heard your comment mirrored by a large percentage of the
    women who’ve already posed. Many have been floored when they see the images
    (it’s really impossible to see yourself like that via a mirror). And they’ve found it very
    therapeutic … there’s even a sex therapist from Toronto who posed that wants to
    make it a right-of-passage for all women. I could end up a very busy guy! 🙂

    Long story short, I can say with a great deal of confidence that you have a very
    aesthetically pleasing vulva. 🙂 I’ll send you a few more pages too.

    As for B) … Thank you for your honesty. That takes courage and I have a lot of
    respect for that. I will of course reply with the same honesty, and confidentiality.

    For me personally, well, I’ve given up emotional attachments. I’ve had my heart
    broken so many times, that the pieces don’t even fit back together any more, so I’ve
    compartmentalized that ability out of my personality. That probably sounds bitter,
    and usually when people hear that they feel sorry for me … but it’s really not like
    that. Part of it is from Buddhism, wherein attachments lead to suffering and the
    other part is that I’ve realized what doesn’t work for me (relationships).

    However, that being said I am non-romantically polyamorous. Which is definitely
    difficult to explain, but basically sex is part of non-romantic/non-emotionally
    attached friendships for me. Sort of like a swinger, except swingers have sex with
    strangers, and poly people only do with those they know (and like).

    What am I saying? Well, I know and like you, so sex would probably be fun. But I’d
    be concerned for a couple things … the first is your feelings—the last thing I’d ever
    want to do is hurt you. And I don’t want a situation in which you might feel like you
    can’t come to Shinjudo (I’ve been in that situation before, and well, it ended badly).

    Not sure if any of that makes any sense, but I hope so. If you have any questions, please let me know.

    Holy CRAP girls… this is the single most honest convo I’ve ever had with a man…maybe anyone.
    I feel very respected and cared for and honoured.

  210.  #210Sweetpea on July 3, 2010 at 10:20 am

    Daria – lol! I know. I feel excited but anxious at the same time. I feel so comfortable when I’m with him, but then I get alone & keep thinking “man. This is FAST! What about the CDing and staying unattached to the outcome?” I still feel detached from the outcome. Which is probably the only thing keeping me from totally freaking the eff out right now.

  211.  #211tinque on July 3, 2010 at 10:22 am

    Kathryn – My guy was not verbal either, still isn’t so much. What shifted things for me was when I came to realize that I had grown used to the pretty words with nothing to back them up from my past.
    This man on the other hand was screaming from the rooftops that he loves me, just not with words. I learned to hear those words without the vocalization, for really that’s what counts. He walks the walk each and every day.
    Once I let this need go, to hear the words, the words came. Not all the time, once in awhile, but when they do come, I know how deeply sincere they are. I can feel it. And in between times, if I pay attention, they are there and all the time, in gesture, in action, the his eyes, and in words that are his and his alone.

  212.  #212Sweetpea on July 3, 2010 at 10:35 am

    Siena – No we haven’t discussed it. He’s the guy I told in my 2nd email that I wasn’t sure about getting involved with him b/c he doesn’t want kids & he told me it’s not that he doesn’t want them, he can’t have them, and if it gets that deep we can adopt. At this point I feel confident he would do absolutely anything to make me happy, but I haven’t delved into that cuz I’m teetering on the edge of my comfort zone with things moving as fast as they are.

    I feel excited & happy. I’m just scared that if I don’t continue to CD I’m going to get all wrapped up in him like I used to do & jack things up.

    Plus I felt totally freaked out & guilty when I went out with that guy Wed night. So I’m concerned that I’ve still not gotten past that mental block – I still have work to do in that area.

  213.  #213Daria on July 3, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    Hey I have some questions about a situation and about being warm and inviting when a difficult man starts making some steps.

    Getrite man has made the following steps:

    1. Kissed my nani of his own accord a few days ago

    2. Asked me to breakfast

    These are both firsts with him. Otherwise he acts like I’m his buddy or like a jerk sometimes.

    I feel good that he calls me everyday… Multiple times a day. And wants to kick it.

    Any ideas- on one hand I feel like. Wat. This is not close to enough and I don’t know that it will ever beu jerk do u know how much u have to make up for.!!!

    On the other hand I feel like wow umm. Is he really trying to do these things for me?

    I said no to breakfast because I said id be sleeping – he started talking shit and I hung up first… Then texted some feeling messages. Lol.

    How do I appreciate when it triggers my stuffed anger

  214.  #214Jennifer on July 3, 2010 at 12:16 pm

    Gee Daria..I dunno.
    I feel confused too. But I also feel a little like “why do you keep having to make things up to me cause you suck..why not just stop sucking?”

  215.  #215aprilshowers on July 3, 2010 at 12:22 pm

    Come on, Daria. You are one of the leaders on this blog. You already know the answers…. 🙂

    Tell him how you feel, all day long, every day. Tell him you feel mad as hell. Tell him you don’t want a man who acts like a jerk. Tell him you don’t want to spend time w/ anyone who isn’t consistent/doting/supportive/ attentive, whatever it is you don’t want.
    Lean back. You don’t have to make any decisions about him at all right now. He will either step up completely, or fall out of the picture. Until he does 1 of the 2, let him take you to breakfast, if you want to go. Take his calls, if you feel like talking.

    CD as many guys as you can fit into your schedule and have fun. You’ve already got this stuff mastered!

  216.  #216aprilshowers on July 3, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    Oh yeah…say thanks and smile really big and pretty when he gets it right. Say, “That feels sooooo good….” Lol. And melt… he’ll feel appreciated. It really doesn’t take much for a man.

  217.  #217Jennifer on July 3, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    WELL, hells yah!! What Aprilshowers said.
    Do that.

  218.  #218Daria on July 3, 2010 at 12:31 pm

    Hehe thanks ladies! This is helping now! Yayyy

  219.  #219Daria on July 3, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    I feel mad as hell. I don’t want a man who acts like a buddy or a jerk or thinks spending money to treat me is trickin. I don’t want to spend time around anyone who isn’t supportive or attentive. Using want to always defend myself or be told I’m lying. I want to be got and trusted. I want to knock you out and then nurse you back to health when u are weak. I want to control u and love you and I feel shocked and triumphant an pimpin that you seem to love me too. I feel powerful and incontrol and I feel numb and hopeless and not safe. I feel so disappointed in some things and I want to get a one knee apology or maybe two would be nice and a whole behavior turnaround and I feel unworthy of a total behavior turnaround . And I am worthy. Rarrr I feel anger

  220.  #220Jennifer on July 3, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    GO DARIA!!

  221.  #221Daria on July 3, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    lol yes. now ive texted him out. he hasnt answered.

    he was cool with what i wrote him but i lost him on the i want to be worshipped part. i told him i want to be the goddess for a man. havent heard back. he’s probably processing.

    i feel bugged.

    ive been experimenting with rockstaring and calling men and whatever… ive been having SO MUCH FUN going out everyday and doing social stuff.


  222.  #222Daria on July 3, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    It feels too hot to be in the house

  223.  #223Jennifer on July 3, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    I have a date with military communications guy. He is driving here 45 min. Cause I have been working nights.
    I feel special.

  224.  #224Daria on July 3, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    Rich guy says:

    for me dating is easy
    there are a ton of girls everywhere
    and most guys have no money, no car, no job,
    or are on drugs or drunk

  225.  #225Sweetpea on July 3, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    Daria – you say you texted him out. Does that mean you found your phone?!

  226.  #226Sweetpea on July 3, 2010 at 1:59 pm

    Ok Daria… Who ya kickin’ it with now? This feels awe-inspiring to hear about! I love it, love it, love IT!!!

    Go Rockstar!

  227.  #227Daria on July 3, 2010 at 2:13 pm

    Sweetpea –

    actually, his friend that i met the night i lost my phone … offered to give me a phone…. he drove me to his house and got me upstairs, gave me the phone and wanted to cuddle and kiss me – wow!

    he said that Getrite man wouldnt mind..

    lol then the next day Getrite man asked me about it and i told him, and he said wow he said I wouldn’t mind??


    Getrite man thinks or is concerned that im stealing his friends, sleeping with other men (not really doing this but could be an option) and dating others, trying to use him fro his money lol

    Getrite man is an old boyfriend of mine from years ago, hes the one i texted out

    i LOVE the phone i have, even tho its an old model, i feel SO GOOD with it! yeah!!

    im kickin it with a whole bunch of guys, the two ‘drunk and slutty’ girls i was kickin it before from my area, or kickin it with myself hehe

    i just love how im totally feeling more fun

    i’ve stopped worrying about leaning forward calling men, etc, i feel goddessy no matter what, i just imagine myself as Freya, sexy Goddess everywhere, or sometimes an Egyptian Goddess… I think how does Freya walk, hips and titties are naturally uplifted from her torso, walk walk, I am Freya, sexy Goddess, all I gota do is put a wiggle in my step and I catch men’s atteniton, this is hwat I do,

    I walked around yesterday with my toes half done, and my hair in a floppy mess on my head, guys were telling me i was hot, i was talking to them hehe

    people were staring at me, i am a Goddess

  228.  #228Daria on July 3, 2010 at 2:17 pm

    the truth is no matter what im doing or not doing i still think im a Goddess and that is very helpful lol

  229.  #229Daria on July 3, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    i feel like this girl ‘s first line of her myspace profile:

    iKayliaLanise and im beyond the stars and universe.

  230.  #230Daria on July 3, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    yo im Daria and I’m beyond the stars and universe

  231.  #231Jennifer on July 3, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    Holy crap!!!
    On a totally unrelated topic. I totally have to start watching my finances better. I’ve looked at my “latte factor” and it’s friggin nuts.
    I hate when this stuff gets away from me. It annoys the shit outta me.

  232.  #232Jennifer on July 3, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    I am totally gonna be my own money coach and kick my own ass! WTF!

  233.  #233Daria on July 3, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    Jennifer- I feel trigggered! Im on the opposite side… totally brokke now but FEELING GREAT. and determined not to kick my own ass, and love and reassure myself . I AM ON MY SIDE!

    I will not be kickin my ass or putting myself down.

    I am a Goddess.

    Straight up!

    I LOVE ME and my beautiful decisions, i love the place im in, i love how i got here, oohh…. i love it rightnow life is FUN!

  234.  #234Daria on July 3, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    I feel so glad not to be kickin my own ass… i feel so lovely to have received help from angels and God and men, and got by on a dollar fifty when a dollar fifty’s been really enuf!!

    yes enuf to, buy distilled water from wholefoods, eat a 99c taco bell 5 layer burrito, sneak on the bus, make public phone calls, drive around for 10 miles!


  235.  #235Daria on July 3, 2010 at 3:26 pm


    so now he texts me the usual “whatsup” and i feel so giggly gettin it

    i texted him back something like:

    man i love how you keep gettin at me. — meaning he always texts me

    and now i feel afraid!!! i feel afraid that he’s gonna go into competition mode with me and think, oh well if you love that im gonna do less of it, or like ohh shes making fun of me for being into her… ackk!

  236.  #236Daria on July 3, 2010 at 3:30 pm

    i also said i dono watsup im gonna go out with my girl in a lil bit… and that my nani gets wet thinking about him but i feel concerned that sex with him would hurt

    ummm super tmi – i send him messages that are wacky and i feel insecure rite now ack


    ohhh he said something last nite i felt a lil insecure about, namely that he doesnt think anyone would marry me if i am acting with them the same way i do with him

    i said umm well youre the one who wants to have a baby … he said oh thats just cuz i was horny (he’s lying) im like oh well thats all it takes

    ps im not trying to have a baby until im married

    i wasnt really trippin cuz i know im a Goddess

    hes like You really think you’re the shit. im likeyes.

    im like u do too. hes like I KNOW i am. im like lol.


    we’re “mirroring” each other, grr annoying fuck that

    i dont care ima wacky message u out the ballpark TAKe that lol

  237.  #237Wonder Woman on July 3, 2010 at 3:55 pm

    New Woman – Thank you for your concern. I am feeling as though a short break from dating etc to work on myself would pay dividends right now and I plan to follow that through and keep positive.

    Jennifer – Your email was just inspirational to me. To have that depth of honesty. I am always so scared of the consequences I never get to my truth but I feel totally inspired to just say it.

    Plus I watched He’s just not into you last night and the light just went on in my head. I got up this morning and felt like Ok… if the guy isn’t stepping up let him go (not that I didn’t get this from reading all the posts here etc but to see it in a visual form just hammered it home to me). I am sooooo not feeling interested in Limbo man as a result. I feel yucky about making any effort at all now. If he isn’t calling – let him go, if he isn’t initiaiting – let him go, if I am unsure of where I stand – let him go…….and ALWAYS, ALWAYS speak my truth no matter how fearful I am of the consequences…..if he walks away it wasn’t meant to be. No emotional attachment, no guilt, no stress, no panic, no yucky feelings – just let go and look after myself. 🙂

  238.  #238Mermaid on July 3, 2010 at 7:15 pm

    Help! I’m feeling really scared! I had a first date with a cool guy 2 nights ago. We really hit it off and both had a little too much to drink. We ended up sleeping together. I mentioned something about, oh.. I bet I never hear from you again and he said that it would be more like I wouldn’t be able to get rid of him. I heard from him the next morning.

    I knew he was going out of town with his buddies for the weekend, but I’m still feeling soooo insecure that I didn’t hear from him today. It is all I can do not to text him.


  239.  #239Simply Shannon on July 3, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    Jennifer: I feel honored that he would be so honest (yeah feeling messages!) but I feel weird about what he actually said. I’m not so sure that *I* would feel comfortable with his non-romantically polyamorous status. Sounds an awful lot like I sleep around and I don’t want a relationship. I’m sure it’s all kosher for him and the people he sleeps with but not so sure that’s a lifestyle I would choose.

  240.  #240Jennifer on July 4, 2010 at 3:51 am

    SS….I totally get what yer saying.
    I feel honoured and respected and cared for by the message. I want a relationship so he’s not for me, obviously. But I feel like the universe is saying to me…”hey, how about something like this?”. And I say “yes to the honesty, yes to the renassaince man vibe, yes to the super cool artistic side, no the disintrest in relationship”.
    I feel like I’m the chef in an infinite kitchen, all the ingredients that are, were or ever will be are there and it’s my job to choose.
    That’s pure Abraham – Hicks but I LOVE IT. It feels really freeing to me. The idea that EVERY single thing I want is out there, I just need to decide. So my job (as per Abe) is to spend my days accumulating data of the things I DO want and to feel excited about those thing and not pay attention to the things I don’t.
    Meanwhile…Military Communications guy is a fantastic kisser.
    We went out to a local tex mex bar and grill…fantastic food and Blues music. We eventuallly left to get ice cream cause it was too loud. B’s parent’s neighbour was there kinda giving me the stink eye but not brave enough to do it straight on.

  241.  #241Jennifer on July 4, 2010 at 4:19 am

    I feel wierd.
    I feel guilty.
    I don’t wanna judge you or anyone.
    I feel angry with me cause I’ve been working soooooooo hard and had extra cash and not done the things with it I’ve really wanted to. I could have paid for the weight loss program at my naturopath, another session at the belief reprograming lady AND a spa day. But I frigged around and bought crap cause I’m not focused.
    I’ve been where you are and I totally admire your vibe. I WISH I coulda gotten there. I got stuck on nasty feelings so you’re a total ROCK STAR to me right now.
    What do you think?

  242.  #242Jeannette on July 4, 2010 at 8:33 am

    Geeeezzz, help me girls….my guy is truly showing signs he loves me….always telling me…..BUT….I am SOOOOOO afraid cuz he never really did much with his life except play in a band….Yet, I NEVER had a guy love me this much….I will never get rich loving him, not even close…but, he’s so sweet. Just not sure what to do. He is on disability now…after a heart attack…but just worked in stores mostly before that. What do you think? This one is difficult.

  243.  #243Wonder Woman on July 4, 2010 at 9:50 am

    Ok Sirens please help me with this:

    I am so totally inspired by Jennifers email and I am so tired of Limbo man’s indecision (or it feels like indecision) so I am going to speak my truth and face the consequences. I abolutely need to do this. The only time I opened up before was with the most toxic man on the planet and he took advantage of that and I was also very blaming so please tell me what you think about this email I am going to send.

    Just to remind you all Limbo man is the guy I met at a party (while on a date with someone else). The someone else did not work out, we got talking on facebook. I met him and his friend for our first day out at a theme park. About 2 months later we went to another theme park on our own. On the run up to the second day out he told me he acts passive to women and finds they chase him. He told me he prefers the woman to initiate. I did the initiating in full glory, first contacts blah blah blah. On the date he made no move towards me whatsoever, I asked him if he was going to kiss me at the end of it…..and he did. So since then we talk almost daily on IM….no texts no calls. I have texted him but he didn’t reply unless on IM. I know you all probably want to kick my ass right now and so do I but I have not had the confidence to tell it straight to him before now. Also, I want to say I am not emotionally attached to this man more that I was chasing through fear of what what happen if I stop initiating as per Rori’s previous post. I find it hard to let go of people since my friend died so there is an element of fear I will lose him from my life completely although being friends would be ok and would take all the pressure of me. I do not feel at all that I would be tempted to push for more than friends as I now realise he is not the kind of man to initate which is not what I want long term. So this is my email:

    Hi ******

    First of all I just want to say that I think you are a very cool, funny guy and I really enjoy talking to you.

    I just feel a little confused as to where we are at and I’m starting to feel as though I am chasing you and it’s uncomfortable for me because that isn’t how I want you to see me.

    Initially when we first started talking you said you prefer the woman to initiate things and that was new to me and not something I would normally do but I did and now I’m unsure if you are still expecting me to initiate things or whether you just see us as friends. On our second day out I felt like you were holding back and I felt unsure if you were being indifferent so I would initiate something but now I’m unsure whether you just wanted to be friends and you were trying to convey that. I feel the same now when we chat, like I feel unsure if you are waiting for me to initiate something or if you are just want to be friends.

    If I am honest I am not really comfortable initiating things with men because it feels as though I am presenting myself as needy or desperate but I feel unsure what it is you expect and I feel like if we get that clear it will be easier for me.

    Like I said I really enjoy talking with you so if you just want to be friends I will be fine with that. I think you will be an awesome friend and likewise if you wanted something more we could try that but I just feel so unsure and I don’t want to feel worried that if I ask you to come to visit or something that you may feel uncomfortable that I am going to be expecting anything from you if all you want is to be friends and visa versa.

    I just feel like it is really important to clarify this so we can be cool and comfortable with each other and feel ok with it all. What do you think?? 🙂

    Please Sirens….any tweaking needed here??

  244.  #244tinque on July 4, 2010 at 10:47 am

    Wonder Woman – First of all it doesn’t sound as thought this guy is all that wanting to step up, and secondly it doesn’t seem as though you are all that into him either even though you enjoy being around him. It could be he’s picking up on that and thus the back and forth, or it could be he’s not capable right now for a relationship, or he it could just be that this doesn’t feel right to him, or it could be something else altogether.
    I don’t know that an e-mail would be appropriate, but if you feel compelled, then this one is way too long and says way too much. How about this?

    It feels good being in your company. I really enjoy our time together.
    Yet it seems as though you like having me initiate things, but then I feel as though I’m chasing you, and this doesn’t feel good.
    I feel confused. Can you help with this?

  245.  #245Simply Shannon on July 4, 2010 at 11:19 am

    Jennifer: I feel so happy at the things you are seeing available in the universe! Everything we want is really out there. Yeah!!

    WW: I agree with Tinque. I wouldn’t send him an email. If a man isn’t contacting me (by voice or in person), then he doesn’t exist. If a man’s not reaching out to me, then there’s nothing to discuss. I already know the status of our “relationship”, aka there isn’t one. Mr. Masculine Man is doing this with me right now. He’ll send an occasional email/joke, and I pretty much ignore them because he’s not real unless he’s in front of me or trying to get in front of me. It’s just fluff unless I’m talking to him on the phone or going out with him.

    If he contacts me at some point, he’ll likely say “hey, where you been? I haven’t heard from you.” And I’ll say “oh wow, I feel surprised to hear from you.” Him: “Why haven’t you called me?” Me: “I don’t feel comfortable calling boys.” And so on.

  246.  #246Wonder Woman on July 4, 2010 at 11:35 am

    Tinque – yes I agree he is totally not stepping up.

    I am just confused though because when I don’t contact for a while he does make contact but then seems to drift again but because he told me he expects the woman to initate I feel more like he is pushing me to do something more than he is stringing me along (I could be wrong but that is my feeling). I have never really told him I don’t feel comfortable with that but I am also scared to lose him from my life because I talk with him every day and he has become a regular part of my day. I have been very careful not to get emotionally attached because I know how vulnerable I am when I do that but I would also be very sad to lose him as a friend but is that me just accepting crumbs so as not to lose contact….I don’t know! Other than the two days out there has been no other face to face contact so whatever there is in my mind is probably imaginary. I just cannot continue to communicate with him like this it is driving me crazy.

    I know Rori says to get back on the horse and forget closure and I guess this is what I was hoping for. That he would categorically say either I just want to be friends or begin to step up.

    Oh my gosh but you know this is what I have always done…..pushed for the final demand and it never works because many the time I feel good for five minutes but then I get no reply and start to panic or he replies and it isn’t really the answer I wanted.

    Now I feel like I’m making excuses. I am not emotionally attached like I don’t feel I will cry but would that change if I don’t get a positive answer??

    Ok… I am learning I should speak my truth, but not under these conditions because the focus is all wrong.

  247.  #247Wonder Woman on July 4, 2010 at 11:40 am

    Simply Shannon – I just read your post after writing my last one.

    What can I say……another light bulb going on in my head for me…..

    “I already know the status of our “relationship”, aka there isn’t one”.

    DING, DING, DING………….yes, totally makes sense..!!

    This is so good for me….just keep telling me straight ladies……I can never thank you all enough for what I am learning here. 🙂

  248.  #248Rori Raye on July 4, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    Mermaid – Welcome – and – here’s my take: if you’re doing things after drinking that you’re not sure about – you have to stop drinking to that point so you can keep control of your life….that said…PLEASE give him some ROOM. Your insecurities are what’s killing you…and THAT you can FIX! Love, Rori

  249.  #249Siena on July 4, 2010 at 5:10 pm

    Hi ladies, I have an interesting dilemma, and would live some feedback.

    #1CD is really great, and is always bringing me little gifts and planning fun dates, and we’re rely having fun.

    I’m starting to wonder if I should be reciprocating the gifts or making plans. Thing is, I’m not a huge gift giver, and he’s much more creative than I am for dates. But I’m starting to feel uncomfortable and like it’s one-sided (with him doing all the giving, and me just receiving.)

    What do you think? Is there anything I should give/do as a Siren? Or is it just as easy as continuing to me warm and open to him and thank him for what he does?

    This is a good problem to have, and I would love some feedback!

  250.  #250Sam on July 4, 2010 at 7:13 pm

    Hello everyone =)

    Well, they say things happen for a reason…all I can say is I’m grateful to have stumbled upon this blog =)

    I, too, am in the process of “giving up”…my story is lengthy, so I’ll try to keep it to the facts so you aren’t reading a 10 page novel 😉

    I met, who I felt was someone incredibly special, last December…we fell in love…and, over time, entered into an exclusive relationship….however, we were long distance (which I’ve now realized is something I no longer will entertain with anyone) and I was only willing to enter into such a relationship with marriage on the table…it was something that, believe it or not, had been his idea and, his thought was to move me out to his hometown, with us engaged, this year so we could begin a life together….having been in relationships in the past that led nowhere, and spending almost 4 years single (I dated but, nothing exclusive) I felt Mr Right had finally come along.

    He has a child and, from the beginning of our relationship, clearly indicated that he only had contact with his child’s mother for the sake of their child. I felt okay with that, as I clearly indicated that if there was involvement of any sort beyond friends, that I was going to remove myself from the situation, as I didn’t want to be in such a relationship with someone who wasn’t ready for a relationship with me…no problem, and we moved on.

    Well, as time went on, I felt a tingle inside of me that was suspicious…social networking gave me some insight on his situation and, due to some research, it appeared that there was more going on with his child’s mother than he led to believe. However, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and waited to see if anything developed…

    In February my Mom fell very ill…she passed away in June..while this is still very fresh, I’m beyond devastated, and something I am trying to get through every day, he and I still discussed me moving out to his hometown once I finished handling her affairs. I never pressured, always letting him know that I didn’t want him to feel obligated to make any moves because of my scenario, he clearly indicated that he was ready for the next step…I felt excited, especially because this would be a fresh start for me, and for us…

    A week after my Mom passed away he started acting weird…normally, we’d talk multiple times per day..he had a couple of instances where he disappeared for a day or two…I discovered that one of these disappearances happened to be at a social event he attended where his child’s mother was…I started to get that gut feeling that something was indeed going on…

    He, during this time, was doing the “I need to figure things out” speech and needed some space…at first I felt maybe he was overwhelmed with the fact that my Mom passed away and he was with me when it happened…it was a traumatic time for everyone, so, I felt that genuinely this could be part of his reason for withdrawl…come to find out, he was attending additional events she was at….in addition, through more online research, I discovered her name listed under his address…*He had stated, when we got together, she lived there last year, and had moved out*….

    I felt myself panic…everything was pointing to this man lying, cheating, and deceiving our committment…in addition, all of this was happening right after I lost my Mom, and I sat there in disbelief…

    So, I felt it necessary to test my theory…I contacted him and said I was ready to come for a visit, that I needed to get away…this was a short while later after he “needed space” and, we had worked things out (or so it seemed) and were continuing our relationship….**One important point, while we were together these 6+ months, he always visited me wherever I was as he traveled for business**…So, it was my time to come visit and he and I had discussed this previously….yet, when I told him I was about to book the ticket, he abruptly broke off the relationship…saying every cliche excuse you could think of and still saying “he loved me very much but didn’t feel he could do this right now”….

    Of course, that made me feel that he was, indeed, with his child’s mother the entire relationship we had, that she always lived at his house, and he was lying to myself….and her as well…

    I felt sick….anytime I asked about his involvement with her, which was maybe twice due to my insecurity about things, he denied it..saying they were “like oil and water, couldn’t be in the same room without fighting, etc”…

    I’ve been in a state of disbelief and, on top of trying to get through this time of losing my Mom, feeling an abandonment so strong I can’t describe it…this man bailed on me in a time where I needed him…not to mention the lies, the deceit, and everything else…it just feels incredibly disheartening when you put your trust into someone and genuinely feel like you’re in an honest relationship…I don’t consider myself naive, but wow, I feel like I’ve been slapped on the forehead with a sign that says “Dummy” on it..

    So, in regards to giving up…at first, I wanted him to come crawling back…I wanted to feel like maybe I really was wrong in my assumptions about another woman…I wanted to get the phone call that said “Sam, I messed up, you’re the one for me”….but now, I know better….and, as hard as it is to release someone you love, regardless of how wonderful or awful they treated you, you have to do it….

    **Side note, a great song for going through a breakup is “Love Is On the Way” by Billy Porter…heard it in the movie “First Wives Club” and it’s a wonderful song**

    I know I deserve better…and I’ve vowed to not let this scenario make me bitter or angry towards men in general….I know there’s great men out there….but I still sit here wondering why this happened….and, I have given up, all contact has been cut off, and I’m trying to find a way to get past this so doors can open for a wonderful man to step through…

  251.  #251Jennifer on July 4, 2010 at 8:40 pm

    Siena…I say (and this is just me take it with a grain of salt). If it feels bad to NOT give…go ahead and give a little. Especially since he’s giving so much. Maybe something small and thoughtful.
    Wonder Woman…
    I agree with the ladies. Don’t bother if he’s not contacting you. Judo instructor emailed me first….and I had to try REALLY hard not to lean forward first.
    That being said…I like the three or four sentence email with feeling message. Just distill that stuff down like Tinque said…you are a godess my love.. A goddess don’t spend all day explainin herself to mortals.

  252.  #252Ankita on July 4, 2010 at 8:42 pm

    Hi Sirens

    Had a tearful experience last night.

    My evil uncle had called me to ask me to leave my govt. college & opt for private, he knows it’s a sure recipe for disaster, but he still tried to convince me, I refused saying that I know what to do, & i don’t want people to guide me now on what should I do, esp. when they don’t have any idea of the civil engg. and colleges. I am big enough now to handle good and bad.
    Also, my sister’s guy has developed an interest in me, and my sister refuses to see the truth, that he isn’t a good guy.

    I told all this to Vishal. He accused me of being rude and out-of-control angry girl. I felt bad.
    He said that my uncle would have been good to me had I been good to him..(Oh really..!!??? Does he even knows how he treated me for the last 19 years, despite my good behavior??)
    He accused me for my sis’s guy… He said my sister would have listened to me but since I’m rude while angry, she didn’t.. And well, I wasn’t rude at all to her…(Oh wow…!! Did he forget that before I told her she’s heading for disaster, I listened to her craps about me for whole an hour..!!??)

    I felt bad & tears rolled down my eyes…. I started crying….
    He sensed that he did go overboard and started apologizing… He said Sorry some 10-15 times…. I was pretty silent…. He said, “Tell me how many times I need to say Sorry? I’ll say.. Or else if you wanna hear something other than sorry from me, tell me, I’ll say it.. But please forgive me… I know you weren’t wrong.. I know I went overboard… I am really sorry, Ankita…”
    I said, “I felt good that you felt I had a flaw that needed to be fixed and you came forward to help me. But it did really hurt me that you sensed that flaw of mine which I never had in the 1st place. I’m not like that. I’m very different from the type you mentioned. I feel judged. I don’t wanna feel like that.”
    He said Sorry again many times.. Then asked me if I have decided it not to forgive him.. I said, “Nops.. It’s not the case..”
    I did forgive him after that coz i didn’t wanted to make him feel bad just coz he wanted to make me feel better. He later said that even he felt better after i forgave him coz he was feeling guilty for making me cry, and that now he felt better.

    I really like him… But i want this kind of guy in my life who’ll support me no matter what… Who’ll think that Ankita can’t be wrong, no matter what, I trust her..!! I don’t want a guy in my life who’ll keep judging me.. I want my guy to support me to bring change where I want, I don’t want him to try to change me….

  253.  #253Ankita on July 4, 2010 at 8:44 pm


    I feel you should give a little… Occasionally….
    Since he is the guy, he needs to do most of the giving, but still, some of the giving from your side, will make him feel loved and appreciated too.. But i feel, it should be occasionally…. Not too often or even often….

  254.  #254Jennifer on July 4, 2010 at 8:54 pm

    Personally…I dislike this Vishal dude. It’s really easy to appologize for being a jerk to you..but apparently hard to STOP being a jerk to you…hmmm feels nerve “what’s next?”
    Maybe we’re having a cultural divide here but what exactly does your uncle have to do with your school?
    Is he paying for it? If not (and even if ) then nuts to him. Noneya is what we say in our family…Noneya business.
    I feel frustrated for you.

  255.  #255Ankita on July 4, 2010 at 9:10 pm


    Thanks.. i feel really supported and uplifted….

    Mu uncle has nothing to do with my college… He is just being a “well-wisher”, as per he says…. He never fails to give his opinions to us…(And through his opinions, tries to make sure we never rise.. Since childhood I’ve been seeing this way he treats my dad, mom & me…) He feels it’s his duty to guide me…(And well, this is the guy who avoided science like a plague, and now, he’s there to teach me how to do engineering and from where, as if I don’t know what it’s all about…) Crap to him….

    And Vishal… Huh.. Even I dislike him for it…. Last night I made it clear to him I didn’t liked how he behaved…. If he truly wants me, the sooner he gets it, the better….
    I did go through this “jerky” treatment with my ex, & i don’t intend to repeat the same with him, just coz I “like” him… If he continues the same way ever again in future without any prominent reason, I’ll have to be off….

  256.  #256Jennifer on July 4, 2010 at 9:20 pm

    Ya know what Ankita? I have aunts like your uncle..they’re “helping me” with relationships…even though miserable in thier own. “Helping me” by telling me they have clothes for me that fit when they were fat. Whatever. I say “thank you” and smile and do what makes me happy. Me…
    And good for you on Vishal…you are a is his mortal self supposed to correct YOU? Hmmm?

  257.  #257Ankita on July 5, 2010 at 1:14 am

    Yay Jennifer…!!!

    I find it really funny when people try to teach us what we should do, when they themselves don’t have nay idea of the respective subject..!!?? I feel like, “What the heck man?? Why the hell you can’t mind your own business..!!??”

    The way you handle this situation, is great… I’m trying to do the same, but seems like, it’ll take me li’l practice, as am li’l impatient… with other peoples…!! And I find that very frustrating…!!

  258.  #258Jennifer on July 5, 2010 at 4:36 am

    Here’s what I emailed to judo instructor…

    ok, NOW here’s what I’m thinking.
    My respect level for you WAS 100%. It is now 200%.
    That is the most honest convo I think I’ve ever had.
    I totally understand the concept of poly…I have friends that are swingers and poly amourous (which is tricky) and all manner of other combinations.
    I feel sorry that your heart has been broken alot. I’ve been there and I feel empathy for anyone else who has as well.
    I feel very respected in this situation.
    I don’t feel I can’t come to shijudo anymore…that would suck, I love shinjudo.
    I feel relieved.
    I feel very honoured to know someone so honest and emotionally stable.
    As for the crush…I’ll keep it on the down low. LOL!

    Here’s what he replies.

    Well, I’m very glad to hear that, on all counts. 🙂 Sometimes I think I might be too
    honest, and people end up with a small novel in reply! lol

    No worries about my heart, it’s okay. It took a beating (hehe, that’s punny!) for a
    while there, until I discovered more about myself (that I’m poly). The main problem
    was that I’d pretty much fall in love with every woman I met … when in reality, it’s
    simply that I love women in general.

    I’ll stop myself there, so this doesn’t become another novel! 😀

    I’m honoured to know you as well. Hope you had an awesome weekend!

    Wow…really feeling good about this exchange. Nice.

  259.  #259Daria on July 5, 2010 at 5:24 am

    My experiment with no longer focusing on the outward of leaning back is going great. I’ve pretty much created and got everything I wanted – I can feel in my vibe wat I want to do next and whether it would feel good to contact someone. I call men, tell them to call me when they’re texting or call them instead. It’s been great and a relief and I feel freer and authentic.

    I’ve at times felt sad- and when I leaned forward without checking my vibe… It didn’t seem to go well.

    But I’ve been kikin it constantly meeting new people… Not feeling lonely for friends and companionship yay.

    Men are still leaning in to talk to me. I feel less “stiff”. And more actually leaned back. For example I felt triggered by simply shannons expected convo w masculine man… I too used to be expecting certain things w a level of frustration. Cuz it seems like a standoff w me and a man. Now I feel like I’ve loosened up. I’m driving to men all over the place… And meeting more having a great time… I’m mostly interested in companionship w them… And I check my vibe first… Like does this feel good? Or does this feel like for some reason I’m just not feelin it?? The times I tried when I wasn’t feelin it smthn went wrong. Even like a cancelation or obstacle.

    Tonite when my girl and I felt Stuka and bored she asked the magic goddess creatrix question… What would u do if u could have whatever u most would like to go tonite… We talked about meeting guys and going to a party… I felt my vibe shift . Soon after we met guys and went to a place like a party. It’s great. I love this vibe tool.

    The tool is inspired texting of men what I want with no attachment – it want to go take a nap . I want to smoke. I want sushi. Then letting whatever happens be… It mite not be what I said at all… But something else great like fried calamari or a fun adventure.

    In many ways I feel more feminine this way… As I’m still in my feelings and checking my feelings.

    Speaking of which I had some whoa practice w dman where I felt a weird pained feeling In my chest and middle… Ick… Same feeling I felt when guywhohadababy would act not into me… I feel glad to get to heal this trigger and I want to give all of me love… And excited to practice expressing myself — icky it feels liked heart is sinking in me— I don’t like this feeling. Wassup I don’t want to be feeling like this

    Ugh I’m feeling sad and weird.. And partly it feels fun and close talking to u… But I feel too icky with the weird feeling… I don’t want to feel like I like a man who’s not 100into me… And I don’t want to keep talking feeling that way bye

  260.  #260Jennifer on July 5, 2010 at 5:38 am

    Daria ROCKS!!!!

  261.  #261Mermaid on July 5, 2010 at 6:41 am

    Thank you Rori. Of course, you are so right! I had been doing a good job of CDing and this threw me off. But, I did here from the guy and I have been leaning back with him and my others CDs. Still working on feeling like a goddess everyday!

  262.  #262tinque on July 5, 2010 at 8:37 am

    Siena – there are no shoulds here. in a new relationship if this is what it is, you give by just being you, by keeping your heart open and vulnerable.
    even as a relationship progresses, this will be your primary source of giving.
    if you feel obligated to give, then you are leaning forward, and it will not be a genuine gift from the heart, and it will be felt as such.
    if the act is spontaneous and sincere, then it’s you being you, so not leaning forward. it’s you being authentic.
    does this help?

  263.  #263tinque on July 5, 2010 at 8:43 am

    Sam – I’m sorry this has happened to you. Yet despite all, you sound amazing. You have dealt with this beautifully, gracefully.
    It doesn’t really matter why. It matters that you have seen the message and learned what you had to learn in order to blossom even bigger than you have already. There are wonderful men out there. There are.
    There’s not much more I can say.

  264.  #264Linda Loo on July 5, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    Hi to all here,
    I am new to this and really need your input.
    I just started dating a guy a week ago, seen him 4 times, we really got attracted to each other fast. He is the first guy I have met in 10 years that I thought might have possibilities. I mean, the caliber and character, humor, looks, everything. A couple days ago he decided to “just hang” at his place instead of us getting together. I played it cool, and said no problem. Then he texts me and then called a while ago, and even though he is not working today and I am not either, he said he was just going to have an evening at home. I said “A nice quiet evening”, and he said “I’m good with that”. I said I was too. But really I am wondering what is going on??? He has told me he tends to sabotage relaitonships and he has been seeing a therapist. Should I walk, or should I tell him I am looking for someone who does relationship? Should I not even say anything to him? This is killing me not knowing what to do. I am creating more interest and working on meeting others, but I guess I was starting to care about him, and now don’t know how to react to this. Please, tell me what you think!

  265.  #265Vicki Kerns on July 6, 2010 at 9:08 am

    Lizzie – THANK YOU for rewriting my profile. I do tend to say too much in my writing. Got to leave that bit of mystery for them to discover. Your wording and description are great! Thank you so much! I’m going to try POF and post this as my profile. We’ll see what happens.

    I did have a pretty great 4th of July weekend. On Friday, “the man” called me and asked if I’d like to go with him to a costume shop as he knew I’d been looking for some props for our show and he wanted to look for stuff too. So he picked me up (and he brought me a little gift) and we had a lot of fun at the shop. Then we just drove around all over the place and talked. He showed me another house where he used to live. He loves showing me things about his past and life and I find that very endearing. Then on Saturday, he called me several times during the day just to talk.

    So Sunday, my niece and grandniece moved into their new place (been living with me since last Aug.), and since he’s been calling, giving, and doing nice things, I invited him over for a cookout. Now I used to do this all the time but after learning all my new tools, this is the first time I’ve done it in a very long time, and Rori says to wait to give until they’ve done plenty for you, so I thought it appropriate. So he brought over dessert, and more gifts. I cooked steaks and we watched movies until about 2am and then he went home. It was a very casual and enjoyable evening for us both.

    AND I’m in a new stage play that opens this Friday and he asked me where to get tickets. This is the first time he’s ever come to see me in a show, so that tickles me to no end also.

  266.  #266Sam on July 6, 2010 at 10:09 am

    Hi Tinque =)

    Thank you so much, your message was so nice! It’s not been easy…in fact, this situation has proved to be one of the more challenging for me, as far as relationships are concerned…but, like you said, what matters is that you see the message and learn what you need to in order to move on.

    It feels heartbreaking when you feel like you’ve found your “One,” only to realize you were misled. However, I’ve learned playing the victim doesn’t do much for me in terms of feeling better. So, I decided it best to just admit it just didn’t work, look at where I have grown and the mistakes I have made, realize it wasn’t meant to be, and believe that there is only better out there.. =)

    Thanks again for your note! I hope you had a great 4th =)


  267.  #267Rori Raye on July 6, 2010 at 9:03 pm

    Linda – if you saw him 4 times in a week – he may just be recalibrating and doing the male rubber band thing – perhaps picking up for you that you already like him A LOT. Just step back, Circular Date, and see what happens… Love, Rori

  268.  #268Brenda on July 7, 2010 at 11:56 am


    I feel intimidated to give any feedback on your posts.

  269.  #269Vicki Kerns on September 9, 2010 at 4:42 am

    Hi Rori/Sirens-

    I had a situation happen last night that really opened my eyes to a lot of the reason I’ve had trouble getting men: I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FLIRT LIKE A GIRLY-GIRL! I am a constant work in progress. I am listened to Modern Siren & other Rori CDs. I am stronger right now than I’ve ever been in my life. The man I’ve loved for 5 years, who is just a “friend” (doesn’t feel that spark, but cherishes my friendship more than a relationship), has started dating another woman. BUT the important thing: I haven’t fallen apart. I’m sad, yes, but I am dealing with it.

    But back to the more important topic: I don’t know how to flirt like a girly-girl. I’ve been an actress/comedian for more than 30 years. I’ve dealt with poor self-esteem issues all my life. And what I’ve realized recently is that I’ve developed this crustier, kind of crass & bawdy outer shell (the comedian part) that I’ve become very comfortable with over the years. Having been a shyer girl with no self-esteem & couldn’t approach a guy, I found that by putting on this “shell” I got men to come around. But what I realized last weekend is: they love to be around me, but only as a friend! In fact, one of the guys we share a stage with described my niece as a girly-girl & me as a butch truck driver! OK, so that’s a stage personna, but I have to learn how to leave it on the stage.

    So what happened last night was we were recording a new CD of our show & the handsome guy who was doing the recording has been seeing my niece. Well, he’s a total charmer & a great big flirt. So he was flirting with me & I was totally flustered & speechless at points. Then I watched my niece flirt with him & it hit me like a ton of bricks that I don’t know how to flirt like a girly-girl. I don’t present my feminine side or show my soft side to men. No wonder I have men friends. No wonder this man I love only feels friendship.

    HELP!!! I am continuing to listen to Modern Siren & working all the tools, but does anyone have any tips for flirting? It’s going to take a lot of conscious effort on my part to leave the “brassy” shell on the stage, since that’s become such an integral part of me. AND I LIKE that part of me too. But I’ve got to work on developing my feminine side & make girly, flirty comments. And it really does boil down to self-esteem. The better I feel about myself, the more I can present that side. But does anyone have any other tips on what has worked for them?

  270.  #270NewWoman on September 9, 2010 at 7:38 am

    @ Jilly,

    I loved your post!!!!! I’m having the same issue!!!! I’ve been asked out by a few different men – they don’t make definite plans (just ask what I like to do or where I can be found) and don’t ask for my number. One even left his card on my keyboard at work (like I’m supposed to call him??? Not happening dude!) I’m not picking up the slack either.

    Do you think they are “testing” to see if we’d shoot them down if they asked us out- or if we’re within the realm of possibility? Or maybe it’s just – I’ll string you along until I get around to it? I don’t know about you but my response was generally a casual, nonchalant, “Sure, that sounds like fun” or “Yes I’d like that” with no particular attachment to the outcome (THANK GOODNESS because there was no outcome).

    I guess I’m going to “learn” from them that I don’t need or want to waste MY time on men who are unwilling or incapable of “following through.” So they did me a favor by showing me who they are right away. I have to believe the “right one” will step up and make a genuine effort to get to know me and spend time with time me – and that’s how I’ll know who’s really WORTH dating.

    Keep in touch. I hope we can trade notes and get out of the wishy-washy man territory. 🙂

  271.  #271Vicki Kerns on September 9, 2010 at 8:09 am

    Hi Rori/Sirens-

    I had a situation happen last night that really opened my eyes to a lot of the reason I’ve had trouble getting men: I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FLIRT LIKE A GIRLY-GIRL! I am a constant work in progress. I am listened to Modern Siren & other Rori CDs. I am stronger right now than I’ve ever been in my life. The man I’ve loved for 5 years, who is just a “friend” (doesn’t feel that spark, but cherishes my friendship more than a relationship), has started dating another woman. BUT the important thing: I haven’t fallen apart. I’m sad, yes, but I am dealing with it.

    But back to the more important topic: I don’t know how to flirt like a girly-girl. I’ve been an actress/comedian for more than 30 years. I’ve dealt with poor self-esteem issues all my life. And what I’ve realized recently is that I’ve developed this crustier, kind of crass & bawdy outer shell (the comedian part) that I’ve become very comfortable with over the years. Having been a shyer girl with no self-esteem & couldn’t approach a guy, I found that by putting on this “shell” I got men to come around. But what I realized last weekend is: they love to be around me, but only as a friend! In fact, one of the guys we share a stage with described my niece as a girly-girl & me as a butch truck driver! OK, so that’s a stage personna, but I have to learn how to leave it on the stage.

    So what happened last night was we were recording a new CD of our show & the handsome guy who was doing the recording has been seeing my niece. Well, he’s a total charmer & a great big flirt. So he was flirting with me & I was totally flustered & speechless at points. Then I watched my niece flirt with him & it hit me like a ton of bricks that I don’t know how to flirt like a girly-girl. I don’t present my feminine side or show my soft side to men. No wonder I have men friends. No wonder this man I love (or others) only feels friendship. Talk about a revelation!

    HELP!!! I am continuing to listen to Modern Siren & working all the tools, but does anyone have any tips for flirting? It’s going to take a lot of conscious effort on my part to leave the “brassy” shell on the stage, since that’s become such an integral part of me. AND I LIKE that part of me too. But I’ve got to work on developing my feminine side & make girly, flirty comments. And it really does boil down to self-esteem. The better I feel about myself, the more I can present that side. But does anyone have any other tips on what has worked for them?

  272.  #272Brenda on September 9, 2010 at 8:26 am

    Hi Vicki!

    That’s cool that you are a comedian and actress! I can relate a little because I used to be shy, and then a couple decades ago, I kept putting myself out of my comfort zone by initiating conversations with strangers. I got in the habit of it, and now it’s a challenge to lean back and stay silent.

    For me, staying silent is one of the most difficult things to do. Rori’s move through jelly tool helps me a lot. I think about making slow, graceful movements. The movie, “Miss Congeniality” was total therapy for me, and I highly recommend it.

    In speech, I focus on my heart of hearts in the moment. Everyone around me can be talking about football games, what they had for lunch, where the best buys are, and I will softly seep out what my heart is feeling in that moment, “I feel anxious in crowds sometimes.”

    It can be really scary! People can look at you like you just stripped naked in public! They aren’t used to hearing gut level feelings being expressed. But I find the more I do it, the more it is IN my comfort zone, and the more people like me, because they more rapidly develop a sense of trust and familiarity.

    Being on this blog and baring my heart has helped me almost more than anything towards that end!

    But I hope you keep your funny side, too! Joking can be a good ice breaker, as you well know. And keep your acting side…imagine you are producing and directing and starring in your own film! You get to write your lines, and you get to decide if your character sits on the desk and sexily wraps her legs around each other in front of the boss, etc. 🙂 Have fun with it!

  273.  #273Nikita on September 9, 2010 at 8:49 am

    Vicki Kerns,

    Congratulations on feeling stronger! I always wanted to be a comedienne so you seem very glamorous to me 🙂
    I believe you can use your acting experience as a tool here to find your inner girly girl….. First…and I mean this very sincerely….dig out the old bugs bunny cartoons of bugs in dresses…..bugs is one of the best flirts! I mean it!!! Make a study of it……notice how even the toughest can’t resist bugs’ charms even though they all know…they are helpless against those feminine wiles……. Then, if you can…I’d take a burlesque class…. It’s almost an instant inside transformation….the class shouldn’t be more than 30$…. I haven’t paid more than that…. Try this blog; burlesque daily dot com…. if you want…that’s the lady I love….she has DVD’s too but going to a class let’s us/corners us to confront our individual unique inner siren…… Big self discovery 😉
    As I read your post Mae west kept coming to mind….maybe you can start there and ease into your own direction…..
    Maybe it’s time for you to buy something pink and fluffy….an old phone, or boa, ….. An object to start infusing and building your inner girly-girl 🙂


  274.  #274Nikita on September 9, 2010 at 8:51 am

    P.S. Vicki,
    Do you get manicures?….if it’s been a while start there as a first step…..our hands are super expressive and if they are pink or red…..we get really inspired to become dainty 🙂


  275.  #275Brenda on September 9, 2010 at 8:57 am


    I really like your suggestions, thanks! Belly dance class is another good one! Really fun! Or pole dancing! But most of all, just getting in touch with that little girl deep down inside who wants attention! 🙂

  276.  #276reborn12June2011 on June 12, 2011 at 7:20 am

    Ive had an epiphany (is that spelt right?) after 13 years stuck in the friends with benefits zone, unrequited love, the blinkers are off. As of now, its official, let it go on record that today Sunday June 12th, I HAVE GIVEN UP.
    Here goes nothing…………………

  277.  #277Vicki Kerns on June 12, 2011 at 8:26 am

    Hey beautiful ladies- It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Congratulations reborn12June2011! Hang in there. Sometimes the ride is bumpy but it’s definitely WORTH IT! I “unfriended” my 5-year “sometimes friend with benefits whenever it suited his purpose” last fall & it’s been a period of regrowth and rebirth but once you come out of the other shore and look back, you can see so many things that you never saw when your vision was “clouded” with misspent feelings.

    I found out from one of Mr. Puppetman’s ex-girlfriends who friended me on Facebook & apologized in case she’d ever hurt me, just what his M.O. was. He’d call her and tell “his” version of the story (oh wo is me, Vicki is hung up on me & I don’t know what to do), of course making him look more like a victim and not a di**head. Then he’d call ME and tell me his woes about her, and so on and so on. What a first-class loser. My friends said they used to think that he was a nice guy but was just a bumbling idiot with commitment issues, but we all agree now that he really isn’t a very nice guy at all. He’s selfish and a user. His ex and I are now friends and we’ve shared some interesting & funny stories. AND we both “defriended” him at about the same time. Hardy-har-har.

    Well anyway, as I knew would probably happen. He tried to pop up his pimply pointy head last month. You see, I’d get mad at him in the past and then forgive him. One Sunday when I wasn’t at home, he dropped by a pewter pin that I’d lost in his car last fall. Well, that would have been just fine but he also put in a little stuffed dog that he’d “forgotten” to give me and also a couple of videotapes that he thought I’d like. A couple of my friends wanted me to just let it slide, but I knew if I did that it would be a signal to him that the waters were again calm. So I took out my pin & put the other crap back in the bag.

    I flipped his note over & wrote thanking him for returning my pin and that I wouldn’t be accepting the other stuff as I had moved on with my life and would appreciate no further gifts in the future. Boy, did he get PISSED!!! He shot me a Facebook message saying “sorry I bothered you. I thought that other stuff was yours & was just returning your property (Hmmmm, caught you in a boldface lie) and that he would not attempt to contact me in the future.” So I messaged back two final words: “Thank you.” Slosh, slosh, slosh (that’s me washing my hands of him and all his crap.” What a freeing feeling.

    So hang in there and take care of yourself and your needs first. Be good to yourself and love yourself. The rest comes with time.