Happy Holidays To You!

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treeheartHere’s my favorite Holiday post….and happy everything to you…

Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, many more traditions both religious and secular – all together, all at once the mere thought of it fills me with feelings of dread.

Is it because I remember that winter in New York and how depressed that year was? Is it because there’s so much family at the holidays – and I feel not only obligated and exhausted, but adolescent again around so much of my history?

My family history is wonderful. I’m one of the very lucky ones. A not so dysfunctional home – perhaps not passion, but at least humor, affection and lots of support and attention for my brother and me.

Perhaps it just feels as if all the pain of the world comes into relief around the ever present pictures of joy at this time of year. I know it’s not about me at all.

It’s not personal. Do we all just notice, suddenly, all at the same time, that we’re all in this together? We go to church, go to synagogue, light candles, wrappresents, shop in the same stores, rush around in the dark after work. It feels so unreal. Like going through the motions without any real heart.

And then all at once it hits me. It’s transition time. Something has ended.

Something has started. Even more than at birthday time, I’m older. My daughter moves toward her own life. My husband feels time – there are days to Christmas and days to New Year’s. We’ve done this before. Over and over. The ritual of transition.

To those of you who are waiting on the edge of a new relationship showing up or hoping the one you’ve started will turn concrete or hoping the one you’ve been long committed to will take flight into bliss – believe it will.

Regardless of how unsettling the holidays can be for so many reasons unique to each of us – there’s magic in the air. Things can happen. We are all teetering at a transition, looking for meaning to drop into our lives. Allow it to tip in. It will.

Part of what is so challenging about the end of the year is that we all feel pressed to do so much.

Presents, parties, family, gather that man under your wing before the year ends, tension, anger, old resentments. Instead, try something different.

Instead of trying to swim through this, sink into it. Believe the wave of emotion and giddiness and pressure and pain and feeling like a child again will hold you up.

You will not be dropped on your head. You will float across the sea of possibilities into the next part of your life a bit more transparent.

A bit wiser, a bit more vulnerable, feeling fragile but relying on the steel within you to let the world see what a beautiful, delicate, intricate, complex and yet totally whole woman you are.

Even when I can’t see it, can’t feel it, can’t trust it, I believe. Sometimes I’m propelled into action to help someone else – and then I feel more human and less fragile. I feel of use. But sometimes I just make myself lie down on the floor and look up at the ceiling.

Instead of a solid plaster barrier above my head – if I look really hard – I can see a window, a passage, a worm-hole, time-warp, incomprehensible path to what I can’t see.

And it’s not just my future, it’s my possibilities. I look up into something I can’t see and let myself sink into myself. I thank the floor for holding me up, and then I just fly into whatever there is out there. I believe it’s bliss.

I believe that my future and my daughter’s future, and my husband’s future, and the futures of all my dear friends and family and clients, and even the futures of people I can never feel close to or even good when I’m around them, are full of possibilities. Things I could never even imagine.

It’ll take the living of it, moment by moment, transition by transition, feeling by feeling, experience by experience, with the highest hopes I can muster, to discover what they are.

Wishing you bliss, joy, experience, love, faith, hope, adventure, and a glimpse of the beauty of your own soul in a random moment shared with all of us in the place we can’t see that’s full of possibilities…

Love, Rori

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122 Comments

  1.  #1Cris on December 23, 2013 at 8:25 am

    so Merry Christmas to all!!

    and don’t pretend perfection, ladies..this is my goal for 2014

    xoxoxox



  2.  #2Shannon on December 23, 2013 at 11:02 am

    I am in utter and complete DREAD over the holidays. I just want it to be over with.

    I don’t know. Part of me feels like I should just go and ignore everything except myself and my daughter… but another part knows that I just feel so icky about my ex’s mother and him sitting around gossiping about me.

    The worst part is that she went off to pursue money over raising her own children. She judges me for not doing the same and now I feel judgmental towards her for judging me for not being money-hungry.

    It’s this spiral of ugly thinking and I need to get out of it. But the closer the time comes to seeing her, the angrier I feel.

    *sigh*



  3.  #3Femininewoman on December 23, 2013 at 11:03 am

    Thanks. Merry Christmas to you and all Sirens.



  4.  #4Indigo on December 23, 2013 at 11:19 am

    May I just say, I want to take these words of Rori’s:

    “Rachel, you sound so lovely – AND – none of the “connection” part means ANYTHING if a man isn’t “ready.” The ABILITY and readiness to DO relationship is always the number ONE thing about a man you should fall in love with. He shows his readiness and ability not by talking, or giving great sex, or saying any words. He does it by ACTION. It’s clear as day. And that has to be SO at the top of your list that every other consideration pales by comparison. Love, Rori”

    And paste them onto my heart. Put them in front of my eyes and engrave them somewhere special so that I NEVER forget them.



  5.  #5Iris on December 23, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    @ Shannon, my heart goes out to you. Holidays always feels difficult for me too; with family issues and social obligations.

    Sending good vibes to you, and that your 2014 is a great year!



  6.  #6Femininewoman on December 23, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    Am watching Steve Harvey on NBC encouraging women to put value on themselves. He is discussing the Cookie Survey. Encouraging women to put men on probation for 90 days “I vow to keep the cookie in the jar for 90 days”. Has them making a vow and a commitment to themselves. He has them wearing a bracelet and encouraging them to put it and sting themselves.



  7.  #7sophie on December 23, 2013 at 12:41 pm

    ‘Believe in Bliss’ – I’m trying – hope for the future and trying to be grateful are what’s keeping me going right now – I’ve rarely found Christmas to be a happy time for me – I become really worn down by the Winter by this point – the best years I’ve had I’ve been somewhere sunny – I was going to make that happen for myself this year and then I didn’t – I feel disappointed about that – I got all caught up in man stuff instead and now i’m on my ar*e – oops! Still, I guess the only way is up

    That is such a good quote Indigo – I ignored allll of that … I feel pretty beat up and wounded – I wonder if this is what Rori says somewhere about keep punishing ourselves…



  8.  #8sophie on December 23, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/harris-oamalley/on-labeling-women-crazy_b_4259779.html

    I loved reading this article – written by a man about how there needs to be social changes as its commonplace for men to be critical of female emotion because ‘its not convenient’ and hence, our feelings are not validated – It felt very empowering to have a man point this out seeing as so much of what I read is about what women can do to be around men – this finally said what men could do to be around women – might not be everyone’s thing but it got a big round of applause from me xx



  9.  #9Amber on December 23, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    Sophie-8
    Thank you, thank you for sharing this. I felt great after reading it. I also shared it on my FB page.
    Happy Holidays, Sirens



  10.  #10Amber on December 23, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    Rori’s quote, “none of the “connection” part means ANYTHING if a man isn’t “ready.” The ABILITY and readiness to DO relationship is always the number ONE thing about a man you should fall in love with. He shows his readiness and ability not by talking, or giving great sex, or saying any words. He does it by ACTION. It’s clear as day. And that has to be SO at the top of your list that every other consideration pales by comparison. Love, Rori”

    The end of my relationship with (T) is what brought me to Rori.

    I feel only sadness when I reflect on my relationship with (T) because he WAS ready, and I pushed him away. For more than half of our relationship I just overfunctioned, refused what he was offering and rejected true intimacy because I was terrified.

    All I want for Christmas is a second chance.



  11.  #11sophie on December 23, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    Ahhh Amber – I felt the pain in the last line ((((HUGS))))



  12.  #12Amber on December 23, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    thank you, Sophie



  13.  #13Indigo on December 23, 2013 at 8:38 pm

    ((((Shannon))))

    ((((Amber))))



  14.  #14Indigo on December 23, 2013 at 8:39 pm

    Sophie,

    How are you doing?



  15.  #15Lisa on December 23, 2013 at 8:44 pm

    Happy Holidays to everyone whatever you celebrate… may love and peace fill your hearts! I wish you all many blessings! OXOXO



  16.  #16Amber on December 23, 2013 at 8:48 pm

    Thanks, Indigo
    My emotions are all over the place these days. I’m practicing FEELING them. Cried at work today. I work with ALL men (in a machine shop) but thank goodness they all think I’m adorable and smile at my eccentricities.
    Cheers, Sirens



  17.  #17Indigo on December 23, 2013 at 8:59 pm

    I had a brief chat with D last night.

    And that is why I’m so happy that I read the quote from Rori. None of it really means anything if he’s not ready and willing and ABLE to do relationship. None of my feelings, none of my words, none of my wishes, hopes or beliefs or sadness or anything that I feel about what we had means anything if he doesn’t want to do relationship. Which he doesn’t. I don’t know if he can see it from that perspective yet. He talks a good game about “when he’s in a relationship”, but of course it doesn’t happen. He’s as single as the day I met him.

    I wish I could somehow show him the frustration that can build when someone is pulling you close but keeping you at arm’s length the whole time – when they won’t be honest with you because they’re not honest with themselves.

    I don’t know if he will ever heal, or “see” or be ready or overcome his fear or his blocks or whatever they are, or have the self-awareness to see some of what is going on. I know I shouldn’t care or worry about it, I know it’s not my “problem”, but I do. I can’t understand the place where he is now.



  18.  #18Lisa on December 23, 2013 at 8:59 pm

    @Amber I wish that for you! {{{{HUGS}}}

    @Indigo {{{hugs}}}

    @FW yes I’ve seen Steve Harvey’s movie and I know his cookie jar theory… I don’t know how many men would wait 90 days to have sex… my problem is… though what if you wait the 90 days, already in love with the man by then.. and then sex stinks… then you are already invested…

    But for sure for me waiting 1 month, even if I’ve had 16 dates in that month… still seems too soon for me, after the past 2 men… but I waited 3mos with my daughters father and sex wasn’t so good… but I stayed anyways b/c by then I loved him…and it got worse as time went on…. so this confuses me… how to gauge when to have sex…

    Ok new men coming in…

    “D” and I talked for 2 hours tonight and have lots in common….. issues I see, he is just 7 mos out of a marriage… not divorced yet. He is 14 hrs away… hummm well fictitious until in front of me… so not sure I see this one going anywhere…

    “R” I met on Wed. which I haven’t heard from him… but it is the holiday’s so …. who knows

    I have so much in common with both these men… and they are my age. Both good listeners ( as far as I can tell).

    And the guy at the health food store has made it clear to me the other night he is interested, he jumped out from the register to say hi to me… like big time… now I don’t know his name or if he might even be married for all I know… but I do know that I’m interested enough to find out…

    and I’ve been working on me… and I’m totally happy to be spending the holiday with my kids… and myself! and I think that sometimes I don’t even realize how happy I am alone… funny!

    Blessings to you all!

    OXOXOXO



  19.  #19Emerson on December 23, 2013 at 9:22 pm

    (((Shannon)))



  20.  #20Veronica on December 23, 2013 at 9:22 pm

    A sweet Christmas to you all – this blog means so much to me and has helped me so much – thank you Sirens : )

    Indigo – The relationship with BM was very much as you described – being kept at arm’s length was so frustrating for me. Argh!

    If I had not leaned back these months with BM I would still be in imaginary land with regards to his efforts and intentions. I feel sick that he says he’s too busy to really respond to my e-mail (that was 2 months ago) and can’t even type a ‘merry christmas’ message. I feel used : ( If I had known of Rori before I met him, he wouldn’t have had a chance. I really dislike that his lack of effort makes it seem like he has value – I am shock-appalled that his words and his actions so blatantly don’t match up. Ew. ew. ew.



  21.  #21Emerson on December 23, 2013 at 10:30 pm

    I’ve been having alot of highs and lows because of the holidays I guess…
    I feel u wanted and unimportant…
    I want some attentions and validation and affection…
    It seems to be nowhere in sight.



  22.  #22Emerson on December 23, 2013 at 10:30 pm

    Mercedes tell me again about the letter you write to yourself and open at the end of the year….
    I am doing that for sure…



  23.  #23Emerson on December 23, 2013 at 10:34 pm

    I refuse to settle and take crumbs
    It is my goal to be more genuine and truthful for example if cutecityCD contacts me I want to be open about my boundaries…



  24.  #24sophie on December 24, 2013 at 4:06 am

    ((Emerson)) I find the holiday’s intensify all those feelings too x I hope you find some happiness regardless x I read a good exercise the other day from Robin Sharma – its on Youtube – he advises going through the year and looking at what themes were there through the months and taking forward all the things that worked for you and ditching the things that didn’t I like that – he asks you to set real monthly goals for yourself and keep strong every month with what your intentions are x

    Merry Xmas to you lovely Veronica and all the sirens!

    Ah Indigo thanks for asking 🙂 I feel worn out – as battered as the trees that withstood the stormy weather here yesterday in the UK but like the tress I’m still standing and today it’s lovely and sunny and I’m hoping I may be able to get some rest

    I feel a deep heaviness in my chest I am very much in limbo as I don’t have stable money coming in so that feels frightening. I didn’t get the job I interviewed for and that was okay – I knew half way through it wasn’t for me. I just took up freelance work with a new company but I seem to be consistently getting it wrong so that also feels frightening and my confidence is low and I feel bruised by B – I have no idea if he’s coming to where I am for xmas – I think I’m pretty much past caring but that said I’ve been in places in my life like this before and I am confident I can find a way forward – I can rise 🙂

    I had a facebook message yesterday from a man I used to hang around with – it demonstrated to me so much how starved i’ve been feeling for male attention and affection – I felt overjoyed to hear from him! And I have some great friends who are really tender and good at looking after me a bit when I’m feeling overwhelmed – I feel very grateful for lots of things and feel grateful that I can just have a bit of a rest the next couple of days – everything just stops

    Yes Indigo I understand how it feels when they talk a good talk but in reality it just doesnt happen – what has felt so distressing for me is that B tells me it’s about me (he can do relationship just not with me) – I don’t believe it…much… it still hurts my sense of self…I have full intentions of staying away from these types of conversations – being gentle with myself and moving with respect for me and him away from this situation…



  25.  #25sophie on December 24, 2013 at 4:22 am

    oooo comment awaiting moderation! I almost hope it doesn’t get through I felt regret over how gloomy it sounded!



  26.  #26Indigo on December 24, 2013 at 4:58 am

    Veronica,

    Yeah, the relationship my best friend had with her recent ex was also the same.

    (((hugs)))



  27.  #27Indigo on December 24, 2013 at 5:00 am

    Thanks, Lisa.

    You really sound very good. High-value and relaxed.



  28.  #28sophie on December 24, 2013 at 6:03 am

    Done with the gloom now – all work submitted – bills paid – shopping complete – now I’m going to relax with a nice book and later do some sparkly nails and watch a heartwarming film – i’m putting all my worries aside and giving myself the break I deserve xxx



  29.  #29Emerson on December 24, 2013 at 6:15 am

    I notice some people have such an easy time making a connection… For me it takes time…but many people seem to want instant connection….



  30.  #30Emerson on December 24, 2013 at 6:16 am

    Sophie that sounds nice



  31.  #31Mel on December 24, 2013 at 6:27 am

    Happy Holidays sirens!



  32.  #32Dominique on December 24, 2013 at 7:11 am

    Lisa – 18 – There is no specific time frame foe this. When to have sex for the first time with a man is a completely individual decision/choice which could very well be different for the different man you might sleep with.

    Much has to do with how you feel. In the moment and in the bigger picture.

    As for sex not being so good, a good man will be open and willing if not eager to please you, thus making sex better.

    And sex can continue to get better over the years. I can attest to this. Even after almost twelve years together, we still have sex at least three times a week, and I’m still finding new and fun and wonderful feeling things my body is able to produce.

    xxoo



  33.  #33LoveAlways on December 24, 2013 at 7:16 am

    SIREN 2013 CHRISTMAS [EVE] LETTER

    from
    LoveAlways

    to
    Siren Island

    *
    I have been on Siren Island since Fall 2011. I was a lost woman at that time. I have found myself since then and I learn a little something new about me every so often. Being feminine feels so glorious at times.
    *
    I am inviting new energy into my life now. Embracing my own energies.
    Higher vibration internally.
    Internalizing love, and it’s deep deep deep.
    This is a curious energy to explore.
    I feel intrigued with love within myself and how powerful it is.
    Love resonates in me.
    It flows throughout me.
    It is, simply, my feminine energy.
    *
    I’ve had great highs and deep lows, but I look back on 2013, 2012 and 2011 and see the enjoyment that did happen, and that helps me realize how much I’ve grown as a woman from the day I signed up to Siren Island and chatted with Daria and Emerson (thanks Sirens for your guidance!) to today, Christmas Eve 2013.
    *
    This growth in feminine power is all due to Rori’s programs (thank you lady). I don’t follow everything to the letter – I’ve adapted and adjusted a lot, but Rori’s programs are at the foundation and I go back to it all regularly. The most important investment I’ve made in my adult life. I have found the woman that I am and she is beautiful.
    *
    I write this Christmas Letter to Siren Island to sprinkle blessings and gratitude over you all with warm wishes of good feelings.
    *
    I read the blog nearly every day. And it is wonderful to have a place to see, experience and share with other women along this journey of self realization and self love.
    *
    I understand love in my life now because I understand myself. And I learn more and more by each of your experiences.
    *
    I normally don’t comment because it feels good not to express every thought, but to ride it out as a trigger.
    *
    I share in your joys and send you all positive energy and hugs!
    *
    I was prompted to write this Christmas Letter to Siren Island also because I’ve been reading about holiday blues.
    *
    These moments we all experience used to be turmoil for me. I lived in a constant state of turmoil until I repeatedly started watching Rori’s programs and applying the concepts and tools in my own personal circumstances. Kind of like altering a dress to fit and compliment your own shape perfectly.
    *
    Now, I’ve progressed. I’ve grown. I am consciously happy most of the time. I have an understanding of myself through these tools.
    *
    I understand that my Holiday blues are the pits along side my bridge! My bridge has been under construction this year so I decided to decorate my “pits” with sparkles and shiny wrapping paper and bows this holiday season!
    *
    So when I go down in to my pits, I’m my usual crabby crab cakes but I’m wearing a tiara with a red satin robe holding a candle stick (lol). Imagery really works for me – thank you Rori. 😀
    *
    The fanciful images always make me smile, and then I rush to the mirror to see that smile! Look at that girl energy smiling that beautiful smile – you go siren!!!
    *
    I (eventually) pop back up on my bridge, spread my arms wide, throw my head back and say “I’m baaaaack!” And continue with my construction.
    *
    I call it construction because my path in life has changed. I’ve experienced spiritual direction and I see where my world (all aspects of it) must feel like and therefore, my bridge is under construction. Coming along nicely I might add 🙂
    *
    The pits are worked into the construction plan. Not fighting the pits, not fighting the blues, but I’m giving it recognition. Rest stops. Pit stops. A place to go deep into myself with the purpose of getting past whatever the trigger is so that I can resume enjoying my life/holidays and focusing on ME.
    *
    What makes me feel good I do. I feel it, then I do it.
    *
    I look at people who have been in my life and those who are around me now and the first question is what do they make me feel?
    *
    I don’t think all the usual stuff of holiday and new years . . . I’m FEELING it all. And it feels GOOD. I have been CDing but not dating. Leaning back and opening up, interacting with the men in my day, in my life. Taking baby steps on my bridge. I see myself differently, I feel my life differently. I don’t have expectations – I make plans (boy energy) and I enjoy feeling it all as it unfolds. A very different existence now.
    *
    I’ve found things in my life that I like and enjoy. I’ve found positive energy and a lovely hobby (click on my avatar). I love the things I spend my time doing now! The things I enjoy. I make pretty things for me, and sometimes for others when I feel like making pretty things, lol. Colors, shapes, texture – I feel them all. It’s a meditation for me now.
    *
    This is the first time in my life I have been able to look at people and how I have allowed them to treat me and I decided then and there if they are going to continue to be a part of my life!
    *
    I realized that a lot of things I thought I was feeling are really THOUGHTS that trigger me. Like loneliness and wanting to be held – those are thoughts triggering me. What I’m really feeling at those moments (especially during the holidays) is restlessness! So I hop my self out into the world and take myself on a Siren date.
    *
    Oh the wonderful things I’ve enjoyed this season. On the spur of the moment and sometimes planned.
    *
    I thank me for taking me out to feel so good. I feel great. What a wonderful holiday season.
    *
    You see, I was not “lonely,” I was not “single,” I was not “looking for love” – I AM LIVING. I controlled all that I can control, and that is ME and MY LIFE. I am in charge! And darn-it, I’m a good at it because I’m doing stuff that makes me feel good!
    *
    My love life is not on hold. That is a thought. It is not the truth of the feeling because I am actively and quite busy loving me!
    *
    Just as I thought I was supposed to love a man in a relationship – I am loving me that way now. Everyday. And my quest is to never ever stop! That is a challenge too! To keep all of this up while allowing a man to have a relationship with me.
    *
    I do not pursue men in any kind of way now. I don’t want to feel like I am looking for anyone. I know that men are interested in me. And I’m going to allow them to do something about it or not. That goes for the men I meet and the ones I already know.
    *
    The focus of it all is that anything I do is my choice! If I accept a date it is based on my choice and my feelings. This is the starting point for me and I try to stay true to it
    *
    I share all of this just for an example how Rori’s programs work in my life. The most important thing is that I am in such a much better place emotionally than I was when I first received Rori’s E book in 2011. I am happy.
    *
    I close by sharing my mantra and my LoveAlways poem with you all. I developed my mantra after listening to Rori’s Siren program and perfected it along the way.
    *
    MY MANTRA
    I’m in love with love,
    I’m in love with me
    LoveAlways
    *
    LOVEALWAYS
    I am in love with love . . .
    doesn’t matter from where it comes,
    I’m just in love with love,
    and this is how it’s going be
    because loving love is loving me.
    I am the common denominator
    I am the constant and continuous piece of the puzzle
    I am always there for me
    I am always strong and safe for me
    Whatever I do,
    no matter who is there,
    it is romantic
    and I deserve it
    because I love me
    (if he wants to join in, he’s welcomed)
    It’s this way today and forward more
    I’m in love with love,
    I’m in love with me
    LoveAlways

    HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE 2013 SIRENS



  34.  #34Dominique on December 24, 2013 at 7:19 am

    Emerson – 28 – I so understand this one. Connection has not been an easy thing for me at all either. Please be patient with yourself. This is your way, and there’s nothing wrong at all with this.

    You will feel comfortable when you do, and this will take as long as it takes. And the more comfortable and safe you feel in your own skin, the more you will tend to feel comfortable and connected with others.

    xxoo



  35.  #35Dominique on December 24, 2013 at 7:27 am

    Beautiful Love Always, so beautiful.

    xxoo



  36.  #36LoveAlways on December 24, 2013 at 7:29 am

    Thank you Dominique and Merry Christmas Siren!!!



  37.  #37LoveAlways on December 24, 2013 at 7:32 am

    Sophie #27
    ” now I’m going to relax with a nice book and later do some sparkly nails and watch a heartwarming film – i’m putting all my worries aside and giving myself the break I deserve”

    This sounds fabulous!!! I may end up doing the same later on!!!



  38.  #38sophie on December 24, 2013 at 7:47 am

    I love your post Lovealways – thank you for sharing your beautiful journey and your mantra – oh yes please! I might build that into my day to day – I intend to build on this year’s self loving next year until the love grows and grows – I love your image of the pitstops I’m going to remember that too and I really want to get back in to CD’ing the world and treating myself with the love I would show to others – yes! And I really want some time focusing on me and my happiness regardless of any man, person, job or thing – I need to start getting really clear and really honest with myself about what feels good to me and really expecting it to happen for me – yes…lots of growth this year – how exciting that there shall be more next year xxx



  39.  #39sophie on December 24, 2013 at 7:50 am

    37 – I did put my worries aside too – I wrote down all the things that I don’t know what to do about (money, conflict etc) and put them on a list for the universe – then I wrote down all the things I can do something about like relax, let go, be peaceful etc on my list of things to do – and I have committed it to myself a worry free zone for at least the next few days 🙂



  40.  #40LoveAlways on December 24, 2013 at 8:22 am

    Sophie

    I like what you said about a worry free zone!! I need to do that as well. Anxiety is a constant thing for me and I work on it daily. I was thinking of a vision board of relaxation – maybe it can be a worry free zone?! Love it!



  41.  #41Corin on December 24, 2013 at 8:34 am

    Happy Chrismas Sirens and Rori, thank you so much for all the love and support and helping me to keep my heart open xxxx



  42.  #42Indigo on December 24, 2013 at 8:50 am

    sophie 37,

    Love it. If you point your life in the direction you want to go, you will get there, regardless of what is happening.



  43.  #43sophie on December 24, 2013 at 9:07 am

    I’m not worrying but just to get my head straight – B is attempting to make me feel guilty about him not coming here for xmas – apparently he was all prepared to come last minute to have a nice time with me now he’s not because my brother wants to visit on boxing day … i have told him calmly that i would like him to come but i can’t engineer everything to suit him – he says that i should have done and that i never wanted him to come anyway

    it’s so childish and i feel so exhausted with it – i’ve told him that he is very welcome and i’d like him here but it’s his choice – he says i’ve left him no choice – honestly! exhausted…

    Sirens advice please????? 🙂



  44.  #44sophie on December 24, 2013 at 9:11 am

    I do flit around trying to make people happy all the time or at least allowing them to manipulate me into feeling guilty or like i’ve done something wrong that i have to atone for – I’m really putting this up there as something to pay attention to the coming year. For now, he has made his decision and its his decision I cant do anymore bending over backwards … back to my nice night in front of the fire with the nail polish xx



  45.  #45Indigo on December 24, 2013 at 9:22 am

    sophie,

    Sorry, I seem to have missed something with your story. Are you and B not living together any more?

    Is there a reason he and your brother cannot be in the same place at the same time?

    I apologise if you’ve explained this before.

    If it were me, I would want to use this as an opportunity to stand by some gentle boundaries. I would revert to plans which were made first, and then I would tell B that I would love him to come and he is very welcome, but if he cannot see his way clear to making that happen, I understand. And then leave him to make his own decision.



  46.  #46Corin on December 24, 2013 at 9:27 am

    I’m really watching my behaviour on line and it’s proving so interesting. All the men who are warm and seem keen on me I find ways to distance myself from, usually replying to them less often and getting less excited when their emails come in and find ways to not like them. However men who I perceive as out of my league (not so much on looks but more on achievements, salary etc) and who are more distant, dismissive, less keen and open, I go chasing after like they were crack. It feels so sad to realise that I’m continually chasing after men who are scared of intimacy or who aren’t that keen on me, it’s like I’m addicted to the buzz of finding the biggest challenge and then trying to persuade them to love me. My commitment to myself for the next year is to notice if I’m trying to persuade someone to love me and instead turn around and love myself. If I find myself closing off from a man who seems warm and available, I will focus on opening my heart. I’ve truly, totally and absolutely had enough of chasing after men who distance themselves from me to work out some old wound. I’m letting that wound heal by grieving for my little girl who believed I had to chase after love from a man and cherishing her so I never let her be in that situation ever again. I’m over that behaviour so completely. I’m going to fill myself up with love so much that I feel cherished and taken care of every day.

    I’m so sorry little girl for hurting you over and over by chasing after cold men who reject you. I promise I won’t do that again because I’m here now to take care of you.



  47.  #47Femininewoman on December 24, 2013 at 9:32 am

    sophie he is arguing and you are arguing back as such creating a constant state of disagreement. How about trying to just agree with him. Tell him you don’t want to argue with him. Tell him he is right.



  48.  #48sophie on December 24, 2013 at 9:33 am

    Hi Indigo

    Yes we are but I’ve gone to my parents house in another town (theyre away) It was always planned that I’d be here as my best friend lives here with her son and I often spend xmas with them – B has always been invited – infact I’d have liked him to have spent some time down here away from the city – but he didn’t want to and then said he might come on xmas eve and now he won’t come as my brother is visiting

    no, there’s no reason – just that he doesn’t want to meet any of my family, spend anytime with me really or anyone I know ha ha ha

    Indigo I could try and spice it up but this is pretty much how it seems to be 🙂

    yes, thank you for your advice – that is what i’ve done and i’m trying to ignore the attempt to make me feel bad about that



  49.  #49Indigo on December 24, 2013 at 9:39 am

    sophie,

    I would absolutely ignore any attempt to make you feel bad, as that is not honest, authentic communication that you can work with.

    I believe you when you say this is pretty much how it’s always going to be. That was what my relationship with D was like – accept it, or there’s the door.

    I just have to wonder if you’ve really looked at the practical nuts and bolts of this relationship, feelings aside, and determined if it’s what you want for yourself. Because I believe you can have your heart’s desire, you don’t have to make do with bits and pieces that are being offered.

    xx



  50.  #50sophie on December 24, 2013 at 9:39 am

    FW – Thank you x I feel interested in this and how this looks – yes I definitely want to break the chain of arguing and bickering – I did early say ‘ I didn’t want to argue and I felt happy for him to do what he thought was best’ and then I left it – is that what I do? Is that what you mean?

    Or, am I supposed to say ‘yes you’re right and things’ when he’s saying that I should have done better and organised everything round him?

    I just need to find a way of not feeding ongoing negativity do you think?



  51.  #51sophie on December 24, 2013 at 9:44 am

    Indigo – I know it’s not what I want for myself. I feel it’s pretty much over. I’m just trying to navigate how to extricate myself in the least painful way possible as we still have to share a house until we can sort that out … there was some hope on my part that we could enjoy xmas and things could feel less bitter but it seems to have just been another magnifying glass to our incompatibility..



  52.  #52sophie on December 24, 2013 at 9:47 am

    Corin – that’s lovely – I seem to have that pattern too – i’m going to put all that energy into loving myself from here on too xx



  53.  #53Femininewoman on December 24, 2013 at 9:55 am

    Sophie I am a bit unsure about how he would have heard ” I felt happy for him to do what he thought was best’ part. Why would you feel happy about him choosing not to be with you and your family at Christmas time? I know if it was me I would be disappointed and sad. Even if we were not on the same page with the relationship I know I would want peace and harmony between us at this time. I would want him to do whatever he thinks he needs to do to make himself happy but I can’t see myself feeling happy about him choosing to be apart from me.



  54.  #54Corin on December 24, 2013 at 9:56 am

    Sophie,

    I’m glad it helped. It feels so reassuring so me to realise that I choose to put myself in these situations where I get rejected and so I can stop it by loving myself more instead. When I catch myself doing it I tell myself I’m sorry and that I love myself so much and give myself a hug. Let’s make a pledge to love ourselves whenever we do that from here on in! Xxx



  55.  #55Amber on December 24, 2013 at 9:56 am

    Merry Christmas Sirens!
    Quick question.
    I generally text everyone in my contacts list a Merry Christmas message, even exes. Is this leaning forward?



  56.  #56Femininewoman on December 24, 2013 at 10:00 am

    Amber likely not, unless you are expecting something back. However, have you considered doing something different? Change catches people’s attention. How about allowing some love to come towards you?



  57.  #57sophie on December 24, 2013 at 10:05 am

    53 – I know FW – I’m not sure what my exact words were but I do know that however much I’ve attempted to express that I wanted to spend the time with him nothing has helped our situation … I oscillate between not saying anything and leaning back incase that’s what he needs and then trying to say things so that he knows that he’s wanted – all of the trying to do the thing to please him and then never doing or saying the right thing regardless

    It was all about my brother visiting really and then I said that I was letting him know so that he could make his own decision about whether he wanted to be a part of that but he was angry with me for saying my brother could come – he thought I should have said no to my brother – I feel like i’m pulled in too many directions and I didn’t want to tell my brother he couldn’t come



  58.  #58Amber on December 24, 2013 at 10:10 am

    FW
    No, i dont expect anything back. I just want people to know they’re remembered with fondness on a day that is sometimes hard to get through. I’m sure il be receiving plenty of love, too!



  59.  #59sophie on December 24, 2013 at 10:10 am

    54 – yes Corrin 🙂 I was struck by a conversation on the last thread about being honest even about things that we think we could never be honest about – I think I do this a lot with the men that actually are not a good fit for me – I ignore a lot of things in the beginning that I need to be honest with myself and honest with them about…I think I do it because I’m not good at holding the space when its tense – when a man is cross or moody and so I please instead and then I end up with all sorts of men that are not good for me and whether they reject me or not becomes way too important … that kind of absolute honesty – wow! – I can’t imagine walking that line! That definitely means I need to move towards doing it though! xxx



  60.  #60Corin on December 24, 2013 at 10:40 am

    Sophie, I feel excitement and optimism from you under all the bad things going down, that you believe things can be different. I love to think that things can be different. Xx



  61.  #61sophie on December 24, 2013 at 11:12 am

    🙂 yes everything will be okay x I feel quite grateful right now regardless x things have been much worse 🙂 xx



  62.  #62Femininewoman on December 24, 2013 at 11:21 am

    Sophie I am wondering, did you discuss it with him before telling your brother it was okay to come?

    I am seeing this as a lesson to learn about how some men are. I know they like to be in charge of their world.



  63.  #63Femininewoman on December 24, 2013 at 11:25 am

    Sophie – If your words are getting you what you want then why not try body language? Leaning back in that case I believe would be creating the space for him to step into. Leaning back and staying energetically soft towards him in your thoughts. One thing that struck me in your earlier comments was the “childish” descriptive. I am not sure how that thought would affect your vibe.



  64.  #64BlueRedLove on December 24, 2013 at 11:29 am

    Transition is the one word that jumped out at me. So much transition at work and in love. Rori’s message about a man’s readiness to do relationship hit me in the face.

    Navy says he loves me. He dotes on me, is attentive and affectionate and was consistent for the first 3 mo. For the last 6 weeks, he’s been all over the place. Less consistent. Still says he is in love with me, still super passionate, affectionate…yet still lives with another woman. She knows about us now.

    I had 3 dates last week, 2 with other men. I told him about thre dates. One is certifiably insane. The other was with someone he knows. He hates it but oddly steps up more each time I say I have a date with another man. But he does not hate it enough to step up and claim me. Ahhh…I have to cut him off. I tried follow my pleasure, choose my words and wait to be surprised. I hate to go cold turkey. Cold turkey is my old pattern. I’ve always done that and it has always, always worked. The men always came back ready to do relationship. I just never want them then. I hoped for something different this time.



  65.  #65sophie on December 24, 2013 at 11:46 am

    FW – no maybe I should have – I suppose i didn’t really think about it or at least I assumed what his response would be so I avoided it – yes – maybe that would have been opportunity to have been honest and open and then let B make his own decision – I was avoiding the fall out because it had the potential to become your brother or me and I don’t want to take the visit away from my brother – hes just an easygoing, loving, family man who wants everyone to be happy and wants to see me



  66.  #66sophie on December 24, 2013 at 11:53 am

    63 – 🙂 I love your posts FW – you are very astute! I knew that word ‘childish’ carried negative energy and in the shower just then I was thinking about what you’d been saying and I was thinking that maybe my energy had been carrying an element of rejection and ‘I dont want you here’ – it’s not that I don’t want him here its just that its all been such a palaver and now with all the additionals I was afraid that if he’d come he’d be moody and unhappy with all the arrangements and then I’d be unhappy – alllll of that though is not being in soft, open, loving energy and its not I know! And its not giving him a chance to be any different if I’m always assuming and then jumping at the first sign that I’m right! Gosh! I have become very angry and defended and lacking in respect and all of those things and whereas I may have good reason you’re right we can feel each others energy even if its not said in words. I have been trying to get into softer energy and as you say lean back in my energy but its sporadic – I trigger easily – so yes – thank you for bringing this is back into my awareness xxx



  67.  #67Femininewoman on December 24, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    Sophie one thing I have learned from Rori is to experiment with different things. Change. Shake things up a bit. So I am open to all kinds of things. Something we forget that we can communicate without actually speaking. Even my son tends to open up when I shut up and just allow my feelings to seep out into the ether by just sinking into them. Another option is just to admit “I don’t know”.



  68.  #68sophie on December 24, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    yes – when I stay quiet cos I’m trying to collect my feelings I get “oh here’s the silence again – nothing to say?” and ‘I dont know how I feel’ gets a similar response – its a bit of a mess – shaking up it certainly needs – and much more honestly scripted conversations about things like the brother situation maybe … I just want to do the 380 degree turn that Rori did during the what does she say awful days 🙂 did she just take her focus from her husband all together and go out and find her sparkle again? I don’t want to do it to turn anything around I just want us both to feel a bit happier xxx



  69.  #69sophie on December 24, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    but yes, i definitely want to get my energy a bit more loving again – respectful of him, less assuming the worst x



  70.  #70sophie on December 24, 2013 at 12:24 pm

    (((BlueRedLove)))



  71.  #71prplpsn28 on December 24, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    Not feeling very Merry right now. Not only am I sick and feeling miserable but things aren’t good with H. It’s been 2+ yrs now and things don’t feel like they are progressing. It’s feeling more and more like FWB and that’s not at all what I want. I’ve made that clear from the beginning but I’m just not sure. So I am leaning way back and removing myself from the picture. Not seeing him over the holidays. Just spending them with family and friends.



  72.  #72sophie on December 24, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    Sorry you’re feeling sick Purple – it does make things feel harder x I hope that you have some nice times with your friends and family x don’t the holidays just bring everything up?! 🙂 xx



  73.  #73sophie on December 24, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    **test to change email address**



  74.  #74Indigo on December 24, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    sophie,

    I believe men like these can be master teachers in how to communicate. It does not necessarily mean we will get the desired outcome, but I do believe they can give us a masters course in how to be responsive and how to get, um… comfortable? around a man. I felt that after 3 years of experimenting with different ways of communicating with D that nothing and no situation with a man could fluster me any more 🙂



  75.  #75Indigo on December 24, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    I had another night with C tonight. He contacted me and wanted to do something, which was a surprise. It was very nice and unexpected.

    It was just what I needed. THIS is just what I need. I don’t want to dissect it too much, but it was just great to have male energy around me, to feel safe, to have sweet affection poured all over me.



  76.  #76prplpsn28 on December 24, 2013 at 4:03 pm

    Sophie – thanks! The holidays seem extra stressful for me this year for some reason. And yes I think being sick is just adding to it.

    I hope everyone here has a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Here’s to hoping 2014 will be an awesome year for us all 🙂



  77.  #77Lisa on December 24, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    @Dominique Oh yes this last man “S” sex was amazing! WOW and yes he was open to finding new ways to please me… however sex was about all there was to the relationship so … not something I’d want to base my relationship on… but he was my age and wanted sex very often so I have hopes of having another man that has that desire to have sex often and that sex will be amazing! So far it just keeps getting better and better… which is amazing since I’m not a novice when it comes to that area of my life…

    I’ve really listed to that with each man – and myself when it feels right… however I can’t help but wonder if Steve Harvey doesn’t have a point… … then again I don’t want to be with a man for months and months only to find out we just aren’t going to be compatible in bed… it’s something is very important to me in deciding to stay or not…

    I think your right… just follow what feels right for me and not bother with the cookie jar theory…

    Happy Holiday’s Muuuwah! <3

    OXOXOX



  78.  #78Luzydel on December 24, 2013 at 4:31 pm

    It is close to new years and I got me another ring… 2013’s promise was a success! I will share on Nw years eve with you ladies…



  79.  #79Emerson on December 24, 2013 at 5:46 pm

    I’m trying to remember all the things that used to make me happy



  80.  #80Lisa on December 24, 2013 at 7:01 pm

    @Sophie feel better {{{hugs}}}}

    @Luzydel I’m happy for you! I’m sad for me, I’ve never gotten that really….

    @Indigo so glad you have affection and company now… and that feels good….

    @Indigo I’m feeling good about things and high value and then I also feel bad… being high value has its down side…

    I wonder at times why this is how I end up every year this time…. and though I don’t want to go into what’s wrong with me…. I do wonder why the cycle…

    If I am high value ( and I am), why this keeps happening….. and though I’m so content sitting here alone and not with “S”. I’m very happy about that… I’m so tired of reading other people’s amazing stories, not b/c I’m not happy for them, I AM! but b/c it just doesn’t seem to happen for me… I’ve healed soooo very much! I’ve moved mountains avoided cancer, survived rape, violence, abuse, broken hearts, rejection, financial ruin, enormous health issues, and come out of top! I’m a walking miracle! Dr’s can’t explain it.. I’m a survivor… and yet here I am again! I’d rather be alone that in a mess of a relationship, I’m clear on that… and that isn’t enough… I want so much more…

    A ring…wow…that would be amazing…how does that happen?? I don’t even get men that buy me jewelry… much less a ring… this hurts… big trigger

    I saw my dream ring in the jewelry store this week, a friend of mine owns the shop… I took something in for repair…. it made me cry…

    I’m such a wonderful person…. and yet… that apparently doesn’t matter….. people want superficial, fake, agreeable, pretentious —- that isn’t me…. and I can’t fake it…

    I need to get this out…

    I guess my massage I rec’d today brought all this up….

    being unwanted, uncherished, a thing….. not worth the effort…not valued…

    What do I want for Christmas? “I wish to GOD I knew why?” this answer.

    OXOXOXO



  81.  #81Zia on December 24, 2013 at 7:20 pm

    Happy Christmas gorgeous sirens, from the land down under 🙂 xox



  82.  #82Cupcake on December 24, 2013 at 7:28 pm

    (((((((Lisa)))))))



  83.  #83Tereana on December 24, 2013 at 7:41 pm

    Happy Christmas, Siren Island!!

    Thank you for keeping me awake at nights (like this one ; ). Thank you for giving me a safe place to express all my “crazy” feelings (I can’t wait to read that article!), and distracting me many a time for leaning forward too far with some men. I’ll still lean forward now and then. But I am becoming convinced that that’s not the end of the world.

    With the right man, in the right relationship, each will lean forward and back, side to side, and you will watch each other for cues of which to do when, learning, and then trusting your instincts. Like a dance….



  84.  #84Tereana on December 24, 2013 at 7:58 pm

    I felt nervous today when I started composing some of my thoughts to Lakeman – like he might “hear” just by my writing the words. It wasn’t an email. Just a note to myself, really. I had to go back and edit. I will keep editing. Maybe never send. I know the feelings could come from hormones/pms, and it could be the “holidays.” I KNOW that he’s not the right man for me. So I kind of want to “let him go” and have it beyond decision, because that would feel good. But then I feel like, if I go out of my way to actually say this, then it’s like I need to be “right.” I would be telling him he is right whole simultaneously actually trying to be “right” myself.

    I have better things to do than that. I just want to be really clear. I don’t want the misunderstandings and interpretation. I don’t want all the drama, and the, “you said x, so I’m walking away.”

    He was going to walk away from me anyway. I knew that. I knew he wasn’t going to stick around. I guess it was fun while it lasted.

    But he broke my heart as well. He broke it several times, in different ways. It’s what he chooses: to be alone, solitary. He simultaneously makes it his choice and also blames the woman so that maybe he doesn’t feel so bad.

    I guess what breaks my heart the most is just that I don’t buy that he really wants to be alone. I don’t buy his whole, ” there are enough kids in the world, so I don’t need to have any,” schtick, because it would mean a “big carbon footprint.” Hello, peolke make footprints. It sounds like logic pushing down a real feeling, a real desire. But I can tell he is afraid of his desires. Afraid of something.

    Well, his issues aren’t my problem. I cannot “fix” him, though I am sure that I find him very attractive in this “flawed” state. Hm, speaking of mirrors…. And I don’t want his issues to be MY problem. I can just walk away. Not look back. He is feeling very distant anyway.

    If I have distance I can give myself time to grieve.

    I really feel this loss. The connection with him was very special. I suppose I can feel grateful for having felt it. Even if it was something that I cannot continue to experience.

    And so my inner confusion: if he wants to please me so much (and I know he does), why insist on leaving me and disappointing me so deeply? I don’t need or want to know. I just want to pose this question.

    The answer is: the right man wouldn’t.

    I feel alone this season and will hole up as much as possible. I feel like I want to honor my feelings, even if it means I can’t make everyone happy. I just need to be true to who I am. And that’s the best gift I can give myself this Christmas (even though it’s not really “my” holiday)

    Best Holiday wishes and lots of hugs…



  85.  #85Indigo on December 25, 2013 at 12:08 am

    Lisa,

    There’s a realization I have come back to several times in my life – people are not perfect. It seems like to not be alone is to be with people with all their imperfections. I don’t really believe there are “riding off into the sunset” stories – I believe there are people living with and loving the flaws of the ones they love. And yes, some of these stories can be incredibly happy. My ex-husband was an incredibly romantic man – even by the standards of my happily married friends, the romantic things he did for me were “wow”. And I knew he adored me. Yet I always felt a bit criticized and stifled by him. I couldn’t be myself. And I couldn’t take that. For me, a big part of this journey is realizing that to be with someone, I’m going to have to think long and hard (or more specifically, feel) what flaws I’m willing to accept. Because no man has it all.

    For me, that’s a sobering thought, but also a very liberating one. I get to choose. And I don’t have to be alone. But I do have to develop the grace and bigness to encompass the imperfections of the person I let into my life.

    All this is to say – you are clearly amazing. In your own words, you have done all this work, and I’ve no doubt you are an incredible, evolved person. Do you have room in your life for someone who is not so evolved, who hasn’t done all this work? Can you love them anyway? This is a question I’m faced with myself.

    Much love to you xxx



  86.  #86Indigo on December 25, 2013 at 12:09 am

    Merry Christmas to all you sirens 🙂

    Thank you for everything you’ve been to me this year, thank you for all the support.

    Love xx



  87.  #87--;-@ Violet @-;-- on December 25, 2013 at 1:22 am

    Hello, Ladies…

    Rori’s blog resonated within me. I feel like I’m right at the edge of an opened door. All I need to do is step over and continue forward.

    This has proven to be harder than it reads. It’s like I’m struggling.. wanting so much to move forward. At the same time; I feel stuck. Like I’m also struggling to let go of things that are caustic to my emotional health.

    I feel like I’m doing, ‘tough love’ on myself.
    ..Forcing myself to face the reality that past is past.
    ..Forcing myself to internalize that I am worth more than settling for scraps of attention from a certain man.

    He has lied to me and called me names. I tell myself to forgive him, forget him, and move on. So; what do I do!? I text him to apologize for my part in an argument. I tell myself that it’s my way of bringing resolution.

    Who am I trying to fool!? By texting him; I only reinforced the belief that I needed his approval. It wasn’t until later that I realized… I’m also reinforcing his negative behavior.

    All these actions tie in to Rori’s comments about transition.

    I don’t know how many ladies can relate to what I’m going to say. It’s like… I ‘know’ in my head what is right for me. Even so; I continue in the belief that things will change if I stick with the program.

    As scared as I am; I am forcing myself to cross the threshold of transition. I know what that means. It means letting go of ‘him’ (and any type of co-depency.) It means refusing to fall back into that cycle.

    I can’t control his behavior or do anything to change it. I can only control mine.

    So here goes… I visualize letting go. I visualize crossing the threshold. Here I am.. And I move forward.

    I give thanks to God, who has opened my eyes.

    Thank you, Rori, for your continued investment.

    Thank YOU for reading this, Violet



  88.  #88--;-@ Violet @-;-- on December 25, 2013 at 1:28 am

    Correction:
    co-depency should read, co-dependancy. Violet



  89.  #89Femininewoman on December 25, 2013 at 1:51 am

    Merry Christmas to all



  90.  #90--;-@ Violet @-;-- on December 25, 2013 at 2:19 am

    Have a blessed Christmas and New Year, Violet



  91.  #91sophie on December 25, 2013 at 2:21 am

    Merry Christmas everyone xxx



  92.  #92LoveAlways on December 25, 2013 at 6:30 am

    Merry Christmas Sirens!



  93.  #93LoveAlways on December 25, 2013 at 6:31 am

    A Big Big Warm Holiday ((((HUG)))) 😀



  94.  #94Cris on December 25, 2013 at 7:22 am

    Merry Christmas!!! Feliz Navidad!!!



  95.  #95R.N.AmazingMe. on December 25, 2013 at 9:33 am

    Merry Christmas sirens!!! YOUR STORIES….have helped me along my journey.i am so greatful!!! I would never be where I am without your support, advice, and knowledge as we grow all together. We grow and learn at different times and it works! Men, women, it have met amazing people here and found An Amazing woman that would be me. I could never go back to the old me i am still learning, and not perfect but, i am happy in my own skin and no longer NEED a man. SURE WANT ONE AT TIMES BUT EVEN SAYING THAT NOW NOT SURE.I LIKE WORRYING ABOUT MY 3 KIDS AND MYSELF WITH LITTLE DRAMA. I DESERVE A PRETTY AMAZING MAN SO LET SEE WHAT THE NEW YEAR BRINGS SHALL WE?!!HAPPY HOLIDAY’S Sirens you will always have my warmest wishes and prayers to get what u deserve and make it through anything life hands you!!



  96.  #96R.N.AmazingMe on December 25, 2013 at 9:35 am

    Subscribing



  97.  #97Emerson on December 25, 2013 at 10:48 am

    Hi sirens I’m feeling great today….
    Thankful for feeling this way.
    I have hope that things are going to work out for me. I refuse to chase after anyone that is not stepping up. I am totally focused on me and what I need to be my best self.



  98.  #98Amber on December 25, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    Merry Chrismas Sirens!
    I am lovable! My nieces love me, my sister and mother love me, too. My pit bull loves me so much it only took 5minutes to teach her to pull my nieces in their new Christmas wagon. Today this love is enough for me. (T) text me back, a long, funny response to my short “merry Christmas.” He loves me, too. Maybe never the way i will need him to, but I’m getting more okay with that every minute. I am so blessed. Wishing all off you a wonderful day filled with joy and cheer!



  99.  #99Sue on December 25, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    It’s true! Thanks Rori about anything so far and most about this!
    Three years ago I was in hopeless relationship with a boy who didn’t want to spend Christmas (neither Christmas Eve) with me. Then I went to celebrate with other friends in my hometown. Then I met my now husband.
    Now, this year I feel the things just like you –

    “It’s transition time. Something has ended.

    Something has started. Even more than at birthday time.”

    And before I know, I’ve read: BELIEVE IT WILL.
    Believe, because it happend to me. Believe, because I’m sure it worked out with me – I gave my now husband No girlfriend speach and it did. I know and want all of you to believe, cause it’s transition time and everything in what we believe will be.
    Thank you Rori!



  100.  #100Syreena on December 25, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    Happy Christmas everyone.



  101.  #101Dominique on December 25, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    Lisa – 80 – I’m so sorry you feel badly and are in pain. I understand. I so understand. I’ve been in your shoes with easily as painful a past in as many areas. I don’t know how old you are, and it really doesn’t matter. I was older when K came into my life (or rather back into my life), older than I thought would be possible to find someone as perfect for me as I did, yet it happened. If it happened for me, it will happen for you.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  102.  #102Amber on December 25, 2013 at 4:13 pm

    Dominique-99
    Thanks for remining me that its never too late to find love!



  103.  #103Emerson on December 25, 2013 at 7:55 pm

    Sirens I’m being tested with my boundaries and working really hard to lean back…
    But also speak my mind…



  104.  #104Tereana on December 25, 2013 at 7:58 pm

    Aw, so many sweet posts. My day turned out pretty well. Happy holiday, sirens!!



  105.  #105Emerson on December 25, 2013 at 9:00 pm

    One guy I was thinking about as a potential cd is looking like he’s crossed off the list. He’s too young.
    It’s ok I can meet more men. Id like to meet them organically and not online. I want someone looking for a life partner. Not just temporary fun.



  106.  #106Emerson on December 25, 2013 at 9:01 pm

    Hi tereana glad you had a good day



  107.  #107Emerson on December 25, 2013 at 10:33 pm

    There are some traditions that Re important to me but nobody else keeps up with them so I kinda gave up. My sister didn’t even call me today on Christmas.
    It seems it’s not that important to her that we are together…which we are not… And even then she doesn’t even call…



  108.  #108Amber on December 25, 2013 at 10:41 pm

    ((Emerson))



  109.  #109Tereana on December 25, 2013 at 11:27 pm

    Hey!! So, it is 2 am and I should be sleeping, but my brain just decided to “process” a couple of things.

    First off, I had a pretty clear realization today that, as much as I liked Lakeman, he really didn’t treat me well at ALL. He really didn’t. On some of the most poignant occasions. At times when nothing mattered, he would show up and he would be generous. But when it counted, when it reallyd treated to me, he was out the door and pointing the finger toward me as the reason (it was really his reason, of course. He just runs from intimacy. He told me himself – in both words and action.) running is one thing. Blaming me for it as the “reason” feels bad.

    And second, this is huge. This is why I am up at 2 am. Because I am thinking about how I always seem to get a “negative” response from people any time I express an emotion such as anger or disappointment. It feels disproportional. I watch other people get angry, and instead of otters reacting badly, they address the anger respectfully and the situation is dealt with – the problem creating the anger is resolved. Whereas, in my case, I may be legitimately angry about something, but it seems like no matter what it is, or who is involved, my anger then becomes the problem. Others become angry at me simply for being angry, and then I am punished or ignored. Whatever it is that made me feel angry is not addressed. I become the problem and I am told to “get myself under control.”

    Now, here is what just occurred to me. I was talking to my brother about my sister recently. She used to treat me quite badly, growing up. She was a typical “annoying” little sister in many ways. But she was actually quite cunning. She was malicious as well. And she figured out how and when to annoy me the most. She would time it either so that no one works be there, if I wanted to complain, or she would do something awful that made me mad, right in front of my parents. My parents – theoretically trying to help me be “stronger,” I suppose – invariably told me that if I got mad, “She would win.” And the implication, too, was that if I got mad or annoyed that I was somehow flawed, “out of control,” improper or not well behaved. I then also became the problem. If I yelled or did anything at all, I was punished, while she got away and laughed at me with a very pleased sparkle in her eye.

    And this situation just keeps playing itself out over, and over, and over, and over, and over. It’s my sister. No, it was a combination of my sister and my parents, ganging up on me basically to target my most basic assumptions and get me to stuff them down. No WONDER I have so much random anger stored up. I’ve been carrying that crap around since I was about four years old. And no wonder I feel wrong and bad when anger DOES come up. I was never allowed to feel legitimately angry and express it. And so now when I do, I am sure that I must unconsciously invite people to punish me, because I FEEL like I am the problem. I FEEL like I am out of control. I want to feel “righteous” anger, as one therapist put it but deep down, all anger feels like the “wrong” kind.

    I really got it from all sides, between my parents and my sister (my brother was too young to do anything at the time, and my sister made sure that he was her “ally,” isolating me further.) It wasn’t until I talked to my brother recently that I realized how incredibly isolated I felt, growing up : ( but hey, better to see it late than never, I guess….



  110.  #110Tereana on December 25, 2013 at 11:29 pm

    Aw, Emerson, that’s so sad your sister didn’t call you : ( Sounds like you really wanted to hear from her.

    ((Emerson))



  111.  #111Tereana on December 25, 2013 at 11:31 pm

    There are a few typos above… “When it really mattered to me” (not treated to me)

    And “others” not otters. Lol

    But otters are cute… : )



  112.  #112Sirenity on December 26, 2013 at 4:12 am

    Hold onto your hats Sirens..

    Success story time..I just spent a lovely Christmas with my family and my gorgeous new man. We are both in our fifties and have grown kids. He is a wonderful match for me in temperament , outlook, values, interests , education and future aspirations. Time together is warm and fun and the physical stuff is so exciting!

    I feel adored , safe, gorgeous and valued. I feel totally centred and womanly. We cycle together down country lanes, sing and make music till the wee hours and plan our vacations for the next year. We are meeting each others families , friends and work place colleagues. Its real. It has legs . There is no doubt or insecurity. This man is relationship minded from the start, he is genuine in his desire to be with one good woman.

    He bought me gorgeous gifts and is sweeping me off on a mini vacation in a couple of days. He is fixing little things around my place and cooking me amazing dinners.

    Long term Sirens will remember my challenges of getting past a long term ” imaginary relationship ” and the complications of breast cancer and mastectomy which made recovery of heart and self esteem just that much harder. I considered myself unlikely to find a man similar to me, successful , relationship oriented and looking for a woman of his own age.

    I dated far and wide and I had given up all dating guidance, rules, gurus and advice..I had also given up any pining for the past and all connections to other men I had known and loved. I truly created space and I almost lost hope that anyone would ever be in that space beside me. But I did still look at my E harmony matches and I sent an email to the Major . And so it began 3 months ago.

    So Happy Christmas to all Sirens , keep your heart open and may you all have a wonderful New Year.



  113.  #113Femininewoman on December 26, 2013 at 6:26 am

    Oh wow. Congrats Sirenity.



  114.  #114Linda on December 26, 2013 at 6:36 am

    Happy Day to all here. !!

    The holiday came and went with all of the usual busy, doing, and going. In many ways it was lovely.

    I am at work… reflecting. I spent time with everyone that is important in my life…which might sound usual but this year I did it on my terms. I did not allow others expectations or demands of me dictate where I went, what I did with the hours of the holiday. I actually gave myself permission to do that this year. It was the gift I gave myself. It felt foriegn but right.

    I am seeking life and what brings life to my bones !! In order to do this… I am trying my best to stay out of my thinky self.. and embrace and give voice to my feeling self.

    I want to feel contentment. There are pockets in my life that do and others that I dont. I dont know yet what or who needs to go. I suspect it is a combination of both. By that I mean making some adjustments in me and the people in my life. I have created one boundry for certain. If what I am doing, who I am with does not bring life it goes or needs to transform.

    I finally see that my authenticity is the best gift I can give to myself and others. No more contenually hard, draining , depleteing relationships or situations in my life. People treat us the way we let them. Loving myself and seeking what is best for me comes into play for this to happen. I feel like I have already layed the foundation for this to happen for me and walking it out is what I need to be diligent about.



  115.  #115Cupcake on December 26, 2013 at 7:19 am

    Sirenity- #112

    Thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us.

    It feels so good to read of the journey you took with yourself.

    And that sometimes it must have felt like you were walking down a long corridor with a lot of doors that were locked, or led into uninviting, dark, depressing rooms, and wondering why you were continuing to walk down it.

    Saying that because that’s how I feel, and the holidays shine light on that feeling of hopelessness.

    So it felt really good to log onto the board today and read your words, and feel your radiant peace coming through them. I feel so happy for you, and like thinking of you riding bikes down country lanes with someone who loves you so much.

    It makes it feel possible.

    Bless you for sharing.

    Cupcake



  116.  #116Liquid Light on December 26, 2013 at 7:27 am

    I’m getting together with my ex (the one before my last relationship) on Saturday. I’m excited. It will be fun to see him. I haven’t seen him since he broke up with me. The day after he broke up with me 2 years ago, I had a date with the guy that I ended up in a 1 yr relationship with. The twists and turns of life are so interesting.



  117.  #117Liquid Light on December 26, 2013 at 7:30 am

    I’m not sure if there’s any possibility there or not. We live about 2 hours away from each other so there’s part of me that just feels like there’s no potential. But then I told myself you just never know and to be open and be an invitation. Otherwise, if I’m not open, I’ll just close off the possibility from the get-go. I realize that I do this a lot.



  118.  #118Lisa on December 26, 2013 at 9:24 am

    @Dominique #101 Thanks! <3 so much! I felt loved reading your post.

    After I wrote that post, I closed my computer and just sobbed! Deeply sobbed!… and I felt so much relief afterwards!!!

    I had a wonderful day with my girls and son in law… and the peace and contentment is there without a man! It is! I really have lots to be grateful for my health, my girls, my home ( which I was without one for so long) and where I live… so as painful as it is to "not have the one" in my life…. I have so many other things that fill me up…

    "D" has been e-mailing me about 2 times a day until we can talk on the phone tonight. Wow he is already talking about coming down to meet me, already saying that he has this feeling that is is a life time thing… ( OK but my eyes are open to the fact that men say anything in the beginning and that it is all words until action) but it is nice to have a man so open with his feelings and really being proactive….

    I haven't heard from "R"… which is disappointing really…. but who knows…. maybe I'll run into him at another mix and mingle…

    Oh by the way @Dominique I'm 50

    It was hard missing "M" over the holiday…. and still one more to make it through… next week… uggg the dreaded… being home alone on new years eve ….. hurdle…. I actually dread this last week….. more than any other …. it isn't about a man, and not having a date so much as it is just having to be home alone… to bring in the new year… I suspect I'll just cancel the sitter I worked so hard to get ( in hopes of creating a new years eve event to attend)… and I'm ok with that… b/c really it's like Rori said in the next post…. just accept what is… and love it…

    XOXOXOXO



  119.  #119Amber on December 26, 2013 at 11:28 am

    See you on the next post, Sirens!



  120.  #120Corin on December 26, 2013 at 3:31 pm

    I’ve had such a healing Christmas and am feeling so loved after dreading it and feeling so lonely. The message to me is I am loved more than I can imagine and that I make up stories that make me feel unloved.
    This year I am going to follow my heart rather than plan and scheme. I will trust myself enough to do that.



  121.  #121Emerson on December 26, 2013 at 9:48 pm

    New post!



  122.  #122Epiphyllum on December 28, 2013 at 8:12 pm

    #112 Sirenity

    Thanks for the input of the positive energy from your story! I’m sure it inspires hope to many!