Happy It’s Over And More…

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stopHere’s a great letter and some gems of advice…

From “Happy It’s Over”:

“Rori,

I was in the similar situation I read about in one of your newsletters: He may have well been sleeping over his ex’s house because he was there frequently (for help, of course!) and couldn’t stop talking about her.

He said “Two adults can do whatever they want to.”  Hmmmn, rule for HIM and not for me, apparently. He liked it both ways. My devotion and his freedom. And when it wasn’t his EX he had another woman (or two…)

Obvious hints left at his place: wine which he doesn’t drink, teriyaki sauce which he doesn’t eat, hair in his hairbrush, not his…it was very ICKY but I kept excusing him…FOR WHAT?

I realized that I was the one “free” b/c he had a leash around his neck from (all) his EX’s. Not one of them were free, but in a convoluted arrangement….to his advantage.

You are correct, another man WILL and DID offer to me to be exclusive (both ways) and no questions asked about it. You just know by his actions it is so.  So, Mr. Adult shows up a year later saying “How about you and me?”  What a thrill to say “No, dating someone now” and C-ya!

Just Happy it’s OVER.

WHY do we put up with stuff that we know isn’t right? I tell men I become intimate with, “When it’s over, it’s OVER.”

My ex-husb. stopped by once and said, “Can’t we be FRIENDS (with benefits?)” and I said, “When you cheated on me, you lost ‘friends.'”

I still do the 100% CUT OFF when a relationship ends.

As long as people can schmmoooze the exes into bed for old times’ sake, it isn’t cut off. For me, it serves no purpose to pretend there are no deeper feelings involved.

If I loved the guy and was intimate, FEELINGS involved. Thus, NO, someone I’m dating will NOT be seeing, inviting to a lecture, baking pies with or dating an EX-anything!  I’m not interested in a three-some anything!

How do we grow and MOVE ON going around the same ‘ol track again and again?

had a male friend tell me, “There is no imaginary MODERN way of doing stuff.”

I was trying to convince myself that the open relationship the bf suggested was all good. Well, as I said, it was GOOD FOR HIM, not me.

I realized that he’d let it go on indefinitely as long as I WENT ALONG WITH IT.  For example, I got Sunday and Wednesday evenings and other girlfriend and ex wife got the other couple of day blocks. TRUE!!

I knew that if the madness would stop, I would have to be the one to change, ultimately, by getting over this!

Y’know when you try to convince yourself something and you get that “my gut isn’t supporting this” feeling? Yup.

The Universe kept sending me more and more Icky messages…

Looking back, how foolish I was, but in hindsight, HE was my stepping stone to something better.

I had to get disgusted enough to want better!

I started in new relationships testing the “Icky Gut” and trusting it.

Bingo! I sent an alcoholic/pill popper on his way and a hoarder guy who freaked out when I asked to see his apt at 5 months of dating!!

Wow, as you said, ‘Circular Dating’ proved a lot.  Like looking at a lot of real estate–I could LIVE THERE but it wasn’t quite right FOR ME.

I stopped trying to convince Mr. Three-some that I alone was all he needed.  “HIS LOSS” is what I now say. He used to say, “I like you, you’re different.”  Well, yes, the world has only ONE of me and he blew it.

Visualize me spiraling UP to a higher plane.

Well, I met “The New Man” and he is a gem. No, it’s not perfect but he’s a willing participant and wants the same thing, not a thorn in my side or humiliation that I have to endure for a few moments of pleasure.  Oh yes, the sex is equally good, but MORE so with a man who is there for YOU alone.  There is no more worrying or wondering.

I read your column and others for some time before it began to SINK IN.

Most useful was the sensation of leaning back. I was always one to micromanage things and if the guy was pulling back I really made it quite easy for him to do absolutely nothing!

Then, I said to the Universe, “You know what is best FOR me, please move that towards me.”

It worked at some level!! And after a few months of leaning way back!

Like a wave on the sand, nature will cycle back and fill in the gap every time!  I have a man who has ideas for dates and calls me in advance, just like the old days (courting? love it!)  Never ever settle for less.


And Happy It’s Over’s Advice For “Changing” A Man:

I also dated a “dork face” and people wondered “why” but I just looked through the looks as long as the cleanliness was taken care of.  Shaving was an issue b/c he had serious pits and sensitivity.

Rotten brown teeth? Bad B.O.? Deal breaker!

No man will say “NO” to having unscented lotion massaged in ANYWHERE, however!

My current guy had the sweat zits on the back and dry skin on face thing. Once when he stayed over and was hovering around me near the bathroom vanity, I swiped some toner and some of my ‘anti-aging’ cream on his face. HE LOVED the way I massaged his face and pampered him…maybe that’s a good approach?  I also slip him a vitamin D or glass of OJ sometimes…told him, “Feeding the skin.” and he goes along with it.

For the back, I did the you do mine/I do yours approach with a loofah. FUN!
As for bad breath, I just said it outright when we first dated: “Hey, did you have garlic pizza for lunch?” Mmmmnn, good fun approach. I keep mouthwash on my bathroom shelf with small cups. Again, I asked him to promise me to mention if I HAVE OFFENSIVE breath! We’ve made a joke about those little floss picks in the car, now.  We talk about most any body issue since we are both over 55.

Hey, you got a squirrel in your ears??
Hope you are laughing a lot now!…

Happy It’s Over”

From Rori:

I think Happy It’s Over’s approach to “fixing” her man is brilliant – and it’s not just the words she used, or the things she suggested – it was clearly her ATTITUDE – and “Where she was coming from” when she said or did those clever things.

She was focused on the fun, and NOT on the fixing.

She was focused on his good, great and happy-making qualities, and not focusing on the disappointing ones.

She was focused on her own sense of peace and fun, and not focused on her dismay.

She was focused on the big picture – the big ticket items, and found a way to talk about the little things (and, yes, they were important to her) in way that made him feel GOOD – and absolutely NOT judged!

This is a fine, amazing skill. To really get LOVE into your head, and let everything you say and do flow from there.

A man can pick up on your loving, kind, gentle, and self-aware vibe and attitude so strongly that he doesn’t register your words as “complaints.”

He registers what you say, and the way you say it (and your body language, too) as information you’re giving him on how to make you happy.

And he’s jumping at it. He wants to make you happy – and so he ADJUSTS.

Love, Rori

Posted in

161 Comments

  1.  #1Hana Gan on April 14, 2014 at 7:19 am

    Beautiful ladies,

    Do you all remember back when I had a new friend I met at my kids daycare. We called him harry guy, and we have been best friends and inseparable. He loves my kids. I love his, there was lots of love going around us. It was friendly love. But I have developed stronger and more romantic feelings for him. Last night we had a what was supposed to be a fun kind of platonic date night. He picked me up. Paid for everything. He even bought me a red rose. I started feeling uncomfortable and acted uncomfortable. As we were talking about relationships. I started telling him the truth. That I wasn’t sure if I could continue being friends. Then I dropped it. He brought back the conversation when he was driving me home. And tears started welling up. I realized then and there how confused i was feeling about us. I told him I can’t be close to him and why. He tried to hug me and said think about it. It doesn’t have to be it for us. But he isn’t into us that way. I didn’t let him hug me. I was already crying and was afraid to be balling at that point. So. That’s it for now. My best friend the one guy that my kids love is just erased from my life. ,?



  2.  #2Kyla on April 14, 2014 at 8:07 am

    (((Hana Gan))) he may not be the man for you but the qualities about him that felt good are for you and will show up in someone even better who can fill in all the pieces this man was missing. Choose the good feeling parts and flip any bad feeling parts into their good feeling counterparts. It makes our vision of what we want clearer. The clearer you are the easier it feels to move through CDing and use it to explore your options and feelings. I feel so happy to hear you stepped out of a friendship that didn’t feel satisfying and true and are opening up to make space for better. Be gentle with your feelings. Love to you. xxoo



  3.  #3Femininewoman on April 14, 2014 at 8:29 am

    What a fantastic article



  4.  #4Syreena on April 14, 2014 at 10:43 am

    Love this post. Not always easy to do and break a bad attachment and bond if that has occur That’s why if possible I reckon the No contact rule is great.
    Harder if married, harder still if children involved or married with children.

    So anyone who has not gotten that far with the marriage or children choose wisely.
    For me I would defiantly knowing what I know now, keep the physical stuff last on the list after slowly getting to know their character which takes time to be revealed. watching out for the collection of women friends and or ex’s still being on the seen. And especially watching if he prefers spending time with youngsters and children rather than adult company.



  5.  #5Daria on April 14, 2014 at 11:44 am

    i felt judgemental of the woman like dang she sounds bitter

    her life with the new guy sounds fun though



  6.  #6Kyla on April 14, 2014 at 12:20 pm

    “Visualize me spiraling UP to a higher plane.” 🙂



  7.  #7GlowStix on April 14, 2014 at 1:02 pm

    Mercedes 239 (last thread)

    Yes! Big shifts started happening for me when I started seeing my boundaries as simply areas in life choose to exist within. It becomes so much less complex. I have power over my own life…It’s more than enough. I no longer feel a need for power over anyone else…
    Though I admit I feel pretty jolly if I notice some sort of powerful (positive) effect on others 🙂



  8.  #8Cécilia on April 14, 2014 at 3:08 pm

    Hello Sirens, I have encountered a touchy topic with E which seems to be becoming more and more commonly brought up… I would really appreciate some quick advice on how to respond to his last text…
    We were together at lunchtime today, and I was expressing my excitement to him because my good friend (who is a man) is returning from a long trip tomorrow. He is coming to visit me after my vocal lessons, and we are going to catch up. We have a deep friendship that brings me so much joy… and I couldn’t help but express to E how I was feeling. I feel so happy to be gifted with such amazing friends in my life.
    Lately when I bring up this man, or any man for that matter…. E has been getting really passive, and backs away… and I always feel sad seeing him react to me mentioning other men. Lately, he has responded by bringing up other women.
    Once I had finished talking, he said he had a friend coming to visit from Portugal, so he was going to see HER too. Then he said he had to go… and I said I do as well… and I felt so surprised and silent after he brought up this girl. I felt this sudden rush of trust for him rush out of my body, and it triggered me. The way he said it, it felt so defensive, I felt like the mention of her was throwing a barrier between us. Or a rock wall. It felt like a sharp jab. Ow.

    Looking at this situation…. I think that in theory, I am not showing him that I think HE is special, and that he doesn’t know that I trust myself and am feeling love… I am not making him feel like he’s appreciated, and that he’s a man… or maybe he has a lack of confidence, or both. But I’m not sure… ? I want to be able to talk about this man without him feeling badly or feeling defensive. I also don’t want to hear about other women when I’m with him.

    After I left him, he sent me this text. This was our conversation.

    E: “Did I say something Cecilia? :/ you seemed mad :(”

    Me: “Thank you for texting me, because I shouldn’t of run away back there :p I know, I feel frustrated and weird here… I don’t like to hear about other girls when I’m with you”
    Me:”I don’t feel as special to you when I hear about other girls”

    E: I feel the same way Cecilia! But I am really sorry :/ I should have realized you felt like that, I don’t like it when you do that either! But I never realized you didnt like it so much, I wont talk about girls when im with you anymore 🙂 but I have to ask that you please dont run off on me, I can tel obviously that somethings wrong bit it makes me feel scared and sad and mad when you dont tell me :/ if you tell me I want nothing more to just stay there and work it out with you 🙂 you’re my one and only special girl <3"

    …. sigh…. this same moment comes up for me so often, and I feel guilty and bad saying YOU CANT SEE OTHER GIRLS, GEEZ. So I haven't truly spoken from the heart to him about it yet, because I feel, well, scared! and I also feel angry and turned off when I hear about other women, so in the moment it happens I feel so much anger/surprise that I can't quite embrace myself in that moment…. I really want to address it and feel it and embrace it like a true siren… but this one feels really hard for me.



  9.  #9prplpsn28 on April 14, 2014 at 5:38 pm

    Good post



  10.  #10Butterfly Wings on April 14, 2014 at 6:08 pm

    Oh I liked this post! The first part reminds me of the guy I was attached to for 2.5 years. What was I thinking???

    It’s been a long time since I’ve been here, and already I see some familiar names! Hellooo! 🙂



  11.  #11Cécilia on April 14, 2014 at 6:16 pm

    Hello Butterfly Wings, I am relatively new here and don’t recognize your name, but I welcome you all the same <3



  12.  #12Butterfly Wings on April 14, 2014 at 7:21 pm

    Hi Cecilia and thank you. I think it’s been close to a year since I was last here. It was a shocker of a relationship that started in 2010 that brought me here, and a lot of growth and awesome results have happened since. 🙂



  13.  #13Hana on April 14, 2014 at 7:22 pm

    hi Kyla you gorgeous siren. thanks for the uplifting comments. nice to be heard. you have a !lovely energy. I miss him like crazy. I keep dramatizing our relationship. haha. like comparing us to show the boss. or the mirror has two faces. or friends with kids. you see, I have to grow up and understand that reality in relationships. anyway if we are meant to be the way I want to be with someone then we will be. but I won’t be the insecure girl who waits. I want to be the woman who follows her intuition and is true to her feelings and respects herself and her worth as a partner.



  14.  #14Cécilia on April 14, 2014 at 8:24 pm

    I still haven’t answered him, I am taking a breather and just got back from a date with myself tonight. I know this is just a tiny little thing, but it’s important to me to experience this step in my growth of self-awareness and self-love. I don’t know how to talk to him about him not seeing other women friends, or even how to say I dont like it.
    I went to the ocean and wrote in my journal for almost an hour, and I picked some beautiful purple flowers for myself. My room is light and breezy and the setting sun is creating so many wonderful colours…. Sigh… I am feeling peaceful right now. I can feel my trust for myself growing, and I realize that no matter what happens with me and E and this moment of triggers that has come up, I respect myself, and my heart is open and loving.



  15.  #15Cécilia on April 14, 2014 at 8:27 pm

    Well Butterfly Wings I am feeling warm about you being here with us again, and I feel excited to hear all you will share about your journey in love, self-discovery, and healing.



  16.  #16Andrea on April 14, 2014 at 9:08 pm

    Hi Cecelia… I have to admit that I’m a little… feel confused.

    I’m reading that you are triggered… but not sure.. is it because you aren’t liking his response to you when you talk about your male friends?

    Or are you feeling triggered because he has female friends?



  17.  #17Andrea on April 14, 2014 at 9:21 pm

    Hana… : ) I just feel so over emotional reading your post. I want to say… “breathe”…

    I feel sad that you weren’t in a place emotionally that you could just enjoy the moment with this guy who is paying for your dinner and buying you a red rose.

    It feels like you wanted to lead the relationship into something more romantic? Or something more exclusive? Am I reading that right?

    I can feel all the angst it caused you trying to make the relationship into something it isn’t right now, so emotional that you weren’t able to simply enjoy the wonderful moment as it presented itself to you.

    I’ve turned friendships into romance by simply being fully present. My Joe was only a very good friend. We’ve been chatting and going to music shows together for about a year now. But a couple of weeks ago, I just started changing my vibe… first inwardly, then outward.

    I relaxed. I enjoyed every moment with him. I took one moment that I was feeling giddy about him sitting in front of me and I said, “Oh Joe, I just feel so giddy you sitting in front of me right now.”

    Another moment he paid for my drink, “Joe, oh I feel so taken care of, How did you know I like the Cider Beer? I feel so special you’re noticing that.”

    Another moment he leaned forward and protected me from a passing waitress, “Joe, wow. I feel so feminine and soft when I’m with you. You protect me.”

    And the next morning he texted me and the “feeling flirtations” continued until he was asking me out.

    But I have never once told him I want a relationship with him. I’ve just been in the moment and shared how I really Really feel, not explaining anything to him, just sharing… this second I feel chilly with the wind rushing by.. this second I feel warm with your arms around me… Oh Joe, I feel so wonderful when I’m with you.

    I don’t know if that helps. I’ve always felt that trying to lead the man with explaining or convincing or telling him how I want him to feel about me… never worked. But.. take the same man… and turn it around, by relaxing, appreciating what I do have with him, accentuating each and every sensual romantic protective feeling I have when I’m near him… and allowing him his space to come to me…. that works aces!!



  18.  #18Cécilia on April 14, 2014 at 9:29 pm

    Andrea, I don’t like how he responded. I also feel weird about the female friend :/



  19.  #19Andrea on April 14, 2014 at 9:33 pm

    Oh Hana… I should add..

    This is what I would do now if I were in your situation. Of course.. this is ME.

    Nothing. : ) Honestly. I would just take a long nap, enjoy my children, do my work, what ever it is that makes me happy in a day. I wouldn’t give it a second thought.

    You were who you were in that moment and everything you did was just fine. Believe it. I would. I would shrug my shoulders and go fly a kite.

    Then when I saw him again, or when he called me again.. (cause I would NOT call or contact him) I would just feel what I feel in that moment:

    Oh.. I feel so embarrassed by our last outing. I feel emotional sometimes when I don’t have clarity about everything in my life. (giggle) I feel so awkward now, but I’m learning to live in the moment and to simply enjoy each wonderful thing life has to offer. Every time I smell that rose you bought for me I feel so grateful for how you took care of me that night. I so appreciate your tenderness.

    I wouldn’t ask him for anything. I wouldn’t say I’m sorry. I would just smile at him and blush and then let him take it from there. I would let him lead with.. “Can we still be friends?” or something…

    Then, I would say what I really truly felt…

    Can you still be friends? Or is it really too painful just seeing him?

    Then I would CD my ass off until he wasn’t my central concern.



  20.  #20Cécilia on April 14, 2014 at 9:37 pm

    I felt jealous



  21.  #21Indigo on April 14, 2014 at 9:47 pm

    Cecilia

    I cannot say I know a very effective way to handle the female friends thing, because I have just broken up with a guy over the same thing – but I just wanted to say I am here for you and I empathise and understand how that feels.

    For me it also keeps coming up, so I am sure there is a lesson to be learnt in this for me, but for now all I really know is that it’s not how I want to feel.

    You sound lovely. x



  22.  #22Indigo on April 14, 2014 at 9:50 pm

    Andrea,

    I really loved your description of turning friendship into romance… and not trying to convince or make it into something it isn’t at the moment… yet another lesson in here for me.

    With one particular guy I wish I could just let it be what it is, whatever that may be, yet I cannot seem to quiet the restlessness in my soul.

    Perhaps I will get there.



  23.  #23Tereana on April 14, 2014 at 9:55 pm

    Wowowow. Big shifts and knowledge and awareness happening…

    I can see SO CLEARLY how, when I was talking about those “little things” with M, I was making them “big things.” I was living in my disappointment, my displeasure, and letting him know, “innocently,” “for the good of the relationship.” But in the end, it was all fodder for his dismissal. I realized in my gut that I could have dropped any of those things, for the true good of the relationship. But I “couldn’t” where my ego was concerned. Actually neverind how it wore him down. It wore me down. All because one part of me felt like it “had to.”

    But also, this weird realization came to me today: I noticed how “on top of things,” and smart and together and capable I wish to appear to most people. Maybe as a result of not trying to be too “masculine” I go the opposite way with men. But I actually think it runs deeper than that. I often want “help.” I don’t always want to specifically ask for it. But I want it. It’s like this “damsel in distress” mode, which is clearly false, according to the rest of my personality. Why so? If that’s not really “me” why do I do it in relationships?

    And it hit me like a load of soft clay bricks today. I recalled this fascination I always had, as a child, with amputation and fantasized about being an amputee. It was like a proto-sexual allure, of sorts. Bizarre, right? In real life, do I want to lose a limb? No way!! I like my arms. I like my legs. I want to keep them, thank you very much.

    But it seems to draw back to my mom (so Freudian, and like so many things). But I was already an adult when I realized that my mother is most happy when those close to her are powerless and she gets to make the decisions. If you try to overpower her, she is adept at knocking you off your feet, or taking wind out of your sails, so that you become dependent on her again. This is why she adored me as a baby. She still tears up when she talks about it. “You taught me about love,” she says. “I don’t think I did a very good job,” I reply.

    It’s subtle. You would know it if you weren’t looking for it. But I have witnesses who have seen it in action, and have validated my experience, even though it is difficult to convey. “She’s your mother. She must do it out of life.” Sure. She loves HERSELF. she loves how it makes her feel when another is powerless, so that she can feel powerful. And when she is feeling that way, then she “gives more love.” Otherwise, she ignores.

    So I end up feeling unimportant. And the only way (it seems) to “get love” is to be as powerless as possible. And of course, missing a limb doesn’t make you helpless, nitwit does mean that you might need help. And I do it in other ways. I get powerless with my partners. I hand everyone the power. I try not to take it for myself. Wow.

    And then of course I feel crappy and drained.

    Wow, and again, super wow



  24.  #24Tereana on April 14, 2014 at 10:03 pm

    My heart still feels off-kilter. Like I’d want a chiropractor to get in there and “adjust” it back into alignment.

    Was missing M tonight. I feel like he might be missing me. I felt oddly certain that he is still loving me. I don’t know if I should reach out to him. I’m sure it’s too soon.

    But if I did, I was thinking of feeling statements. Like, “Hey, I know I was really upset this weekend. The truth is, I’ve been feeling disconnected from you, and I just wanted to feel connected again. What do you think?”

    I feel like it didn’t happen, but it did. I had my reasons, but I still don’t like it. I don’t like the way it went down. I also felt disconnected with myself. So this is a good opportunity to reconnect.

    I still like him. I haven’t stopped liking him. I could feel myself pushing him away so hard, that it must have been unconscious and not conscious.

    It’s true: staying in a relationship is the hardest thing. It is much easier to be single. And I wonder if I am truly up to it or if I will crack and break like this every time…



  25.  #25Tereana on April 14, 2014 at 10:14 pm

    Wow, Cecilia – I feel you on not wanting to hear about other girls, but I’m wondering what exactly is the problem here? That text he sent you was so amazing and heartfelt – if it was heartfelt – and caring. I can’t imagine a better response. I would watch and see if his words become action.

    And listen to him, too. You feel jealous. He feels the same way. You even said that he ” retaliated” by telling you about other girls. You can lead the way not talking about other men. Sounds to me like that would make him feel good….



  26.  #26Veronica on April 14, 2014 at 10:23 pm

    I’m feeling stuff come up around guys and their female friends. I’m remembering how BM was doing so many activities with his female colleague that I eventually asked him point blank if there was something going on. (I mean he would ask to have the weekend to himself and then I would hear how he spent the whole day with her). It felt all kinds of awful. This is when I first came into contact with CDing and Rori Raye. I went to an Italian social club and was practicing the tools – and felt so sane and successful at practicing the tools. I spent the afternoon with a man in the most interesting conversation – he was so open and just poured himself out. That openness was exactly what I needed. When I told BM about this man, I said ‘you should meet him, he’s so interesting’. BM kind of grimaced and I couldn’t understand why – I was having a conversation with this man, while he was going to music lessons, going out to dinner with his female colleague, going to her place, cooking with her, running together on the weekends with her and his friend, and I would only hear about this incidentally. I felt awful and tense whenever I was around him after that. The people at that Italian social club saved my sanity because for a while I felt like the tools were actually working for ME. I felt angry that BM couldn’t be happy for me that I found a place where I could feel welcomed. (We were living in a foreign country at the time and days would go by without me having a conversation, whereas he was surrounded by colleagues who he could chat with at any time.) I hope I have a chance to heal this.



  27.  #27Butterfly Wings on April 14, 2014 at 10:45 pm

    My ex bf had female friends who often were given priority over me (yuk!). THAT was an issue, plus I never felt secure with him.

    My ex husband also had female friends, and even an ex who contacted him to say hi occasionally, but I never felt anything negative about that at all.

    So for me, it was all about how secure I felt in the relationship.



  28.  #28Cécilia on April 14, 2014 at 10:48 pm

    Tereana, I am really happy with how he responded to me. It made me smile when I read it…

    The problem isn’t with him, it is with me. I didn’t answer him for awhile because I really wanted to find the right words, the right feeling message to speak, to express to him how icky it feels to hear about other women. And how even ickier it feels to be told about other women as a way to kinda.. come back at me in conversation. I want to find the right feeling message, and am having so much trouble with it, because it’s a touchy thing to talk about with people, as friends are very dear to peoples hearts, and it can be hurtful to them when you don’t enjoy hearing about their friends. You know? Also, you are right Tereana… I really am considering just not mentioning my friend around him. I feel silly for not accepting that idea sooner, hahah. Thank you.

    I feel bad at expressing myself, as I have given some people the wrong message here.. whoops… .I am just slow at uncovering my triggers..



  29.  #29Butterfly Wings on April 14, 2014 at 10:52 pm

    Cecilia, I think he’s already got it that you don’t like to hear about other women based on his response.. what do you think?



  30.  #30Cécilia on April 14, 2014 at 10:56 pm

    ((Indigo)) 21 ohh thank you for the compliment, it feels good . I wonder what my lesson here is? Tereana pointed out that I should listen to him more… which definitely surprised me, I didn’t even realize I wasn’t doing that, but she’s right, I should listen. That feels good to say. “I am a listener.” Maybe the lesson is about myself. I’m feeling curious about where this will take me, where my feelings about this will take me the next time I see him.
    Thank you



  31.  #31Cécilia on April 14, 2014 at 11:15 pm

    The pictures of him and her are up on facebook and I feel awful. They went out to a nice dinner. At a nice restaurant… I never do that with him
    I feel tears rolling down my cheeks



  32.  #32Cécilia on April 14, 2014 at 11:20 pm

    I didn’t know it was going to be so intimate, oh I feel so upset 🙁



  33.  #33Butterfly Wings on April 14, 2014 at 11:41 pm

    Ack! I remember those days with my ex… 🙁

    (((Cecilia)))… now would be the time to decide if this kind of thing is a dealbreaker for you and if it is, you must talk to him about this.

    With my ex, I finally walked away (after 2.5 years!) because he was taking them places and doing things with them that he never did with me. It made me feel like cr@p…

    I’m not sure of your history with this guy… are you in a relationship?



  34.  #34Cécilia on April 15, 2014 at 12:15 am

    Butterfly Wings, it feels comforting to have somebody say they can relate(: thank you for the hugs. First of all, it is not a deal breaker right now, it wouldn’t make sense to me if I just broke things off right there at all. He listened to me earlier about not talking about his women friends, and even though I didn’t like his in person response, his text response was really sweet. After sinking into my feelings of disturbance from seeing the photos, after crying, I began to focus on me. Tonight is a date myself night after all(: Our history….: We are in a committed relationship almost at a year and a half. Before him, I was in an abusive relationship, and this past year had been intense with my healing… Which I am still going through.



  35.  #35Butterfly Wings on April 15, 2014 at 12:25 am

    Yup, it always helps to know that others can relate, especially if they’ve been in a situation similar. Although my guy wasn’t committed to me in any way – I was unfortunately focused on his potential, because the reality sucked!

    Going by his text to you, it sounds like he’s a nice, caring guy… so maybe you’ll just need some FM’s to communicate how it felt to see those pics…? I’m not great at FM’s but there are plenty of people here who I’m sure can help. xxx



  36.  #36Butterfly Wings on April 15, 2014 at 12:41 am

    Well here’s my story.. I came here in 2010 when I found myself with a guy who was really not that into me, although in his own funny way, he kind of WAS into me. But there was no commitment and no official relationship for a good year or so (and I did attempt to CD during this time, but didn’t do it very well), and that was only because I had reached a point where I really was ready to walk.

    Fast forward to a year and a half ago, I found out on my birthday that he had taken another woman (he insisted they were “just friends”) away for three days. Needless to say, I’m not a COMPLETE idiot and didn’t fall for it. They got married last weekend… lol

    Ok, so I got right into CDing last year, and at one stage I had around 17 men in my rotation. I was busy, I was having fun, and most importantly, I was learning how to receive. I had men taking me out, buying me gifts, taking me away… OMG it was a whirlwind! I would even take a “man break” sometimes, just so I could rest!

    After my year of CDing I was actually starting to worry, because I’d not fallen for any of them. They were all great guys, but I wasn’t feeling it… dammit! I had a favourite or two, but none of them were “it”…

    Then along came this really sweet guy who stole my heart! He was the sweetest man, and I started to think he could be “the one”… but the whole thing was complicated, plus he lived far away, and worked far away, and there were issues with his ex and his kids, and it all just got too hard, so at the beginning of March, it ended. We are still on good terms. 🙂

    Then less than 3 weeks later I had my first date with a guy I’ve known for several years. Turns out he’s had a crush on me since 2012! In fact, he’s totally and utterly smitten with me, and is everything I want in a man plus more! 🙂

    So life is good, and my new guy and I are talking (already!) about a future together. He’s 100% on board and wants us to live together and soon. We both KNOW this is something special, and I know exactly how he feels about me – I feel totally secure with him. It feels so refreshing after my awful relationship a few years ago! <3



  37.  #37Millie on April 15, 2014 at 1:02 am

    Andrea–I too appreciate you discussing how your friendship turned into romance. It really makes sense and feels so authentic. When you describe your feelings, I can see how a man would feel so excited around you…”Wow I make her feel like that?!” Many women probably never express that. Including me…

    The other night at dinner I was flirting tremendously with a friend. When my steak was served it was so bloody, I took one nauseous look at it and said “I can’t eat that.” My friend immediately summoned the waiter and had it taken back to the kitchen. I was a bit awestruck. I’ve been on dates where a man would never feel the impulse to just DO that. I said wow–you’re my hero! Thank you so much!

    Anyway, hearing you talk about how you use your feeling messages to communicate in the moment is very helpful to me. I still feel a gripping in my chest at the thought of me actually talking to a man that way fully.

    So I found out that Mechanic did drive the other woman to the dinner the other night. They came together. I sensed that. I asked my friend if she knew if they were dating. She said no, but they should be! She said that mechanic and this woman are the same age, 41, and think alike. They are both business owners also and are both divorced. I’m 27 and none of those things. Not that it matters, but she does seem like a good match for him. My friend also said that woman is a “hard *ss” and Mechanic needs that. I didn’t say anything more on the subject, but the words “hard *ss” kind of stuck with me. I kept thinking to myself what does that even mean? I guess a woman that takes no crap and sticks to her guns, but is that being hard? I’m just thinking about the contrast of femininity and how it is associated with softness…I found myself wondering if I even speak the same language as my friend. I would never want to be described as that…it also made me wonder, how does she know what he needs? Anyway…this all just random talk without a point, as it doesn’t matter.

    I want to tell you all about my neighbor….



  38.  #38Veronica on April 15, 2014 at 1:07 am

    Butterfly Wings – It definitely does feel good to know your story, it gives me such hope.



  39.  #39Veronica on April 15, 2014 at 1:19 am

    I must be healing because even though I felt those sad and distraught feelings and also the ‘oh no I’m slipping into a day of bad-feelingness’ worry, those feelings have subsided pretty quickly and also there’s breathing room and hope. And the appreciation of men’s efforts is definitely becoming easier. Smiling at a man is easier. But what I have noticed is that I’m slowly recognising that I just have to be all in me, and strangely more of myself pitches up – that is freeing : )



  40.  #40Femininewoman on April 15, 2014 at 2:13 am

    Tereana you kinda chased him off. He might be going thru anger and feelings of rejection. In my eyes you would be the one who should reach out. Just that you’ve got to be prepared for him his no and push back so there has got to be no expectations.



  41.  #41Kyla on April 15, 2014 at 5:50 am

    I felt so disappointed and annoyed that I missed seeing the blood moon last night because it decided to snow again 🙁 but Ninja came over for dinner and stayed the night and we had lots of cuddling and giggles and this morning before he left he confirmed our plans for the wkd and said he’d call after work. When I was leaving I found a huge heart drawn on the bonnet in the snow and the rest of the car and driveway cleared 😀

    I have been dreaming a lot lately and Ninja and DrWho are together in many of them and its so weird. Last night I’m in a restaurant with Ninja, my mom, sister and kids and DrWho sits at our table, orders drinks, looks pissed off and keeps checking his watch but is joining in with my mom’s conversation. I feel irritated that he’s sitting with my family, it feels intrusive and creepy, he doesn’t seem to want to be there either.
    The other night he was sitting in my kitchen, I was having a bbq and I feel confused that he’s there then Ninja arrives and wants to take me outside to show me something and so excuse myself. My keys fall into the pool and I dive in to retrieve them. I see DrWho leave and I wave goodbye and he smiles but then flips me the bird. I laughed so hard I woke myself up.
    Another one I’m at Archer’s summer house and I’m having a meeting with all my cd’s (lol) and DrWho arrives, he introduces me to his doppelganger and then puts on a baseball cap, folds his arms and sits glaring at the wall. I feel super uncomfortable and wish they would both leave so the rest of us can watch a movie. Archer is angry and offers to kick them out. I shrug and join the others.

    Dreams are fascinating things!



  42.  #42Dominique on April 15, 2014 at 6:30 am

    Cecilia – 18 – It seems to me he was also triggered by you visiting with a man. It also seems as though he was doing a tit for tat thing with you which yes, is childish, YET he also spoke his truth, his feelings around this which is HUGE. Can you see this? How about sitting down with him and asking deciding what is and is not okay for you both in this relationship – eg. It seems as though we both feel uncomfortable having friends of the opposite gender. What can we do here so that we both feel good here?

    xxoo



  43.  #43Dominique on April 15, 2014 at 6:42 am

    Tereana – 23 – Your dreams of missing limbs is quite fascinating really, enough so that I felt compelled to look it up. You might find this interesting –

    – Legs carry us forward in life. Upper leg problems is about holding onto childhood traumas. Lower leg problems is about fear of the future, not wanting to move.

    – Arms represent the capacity and ability to hold the experiences of life.

    Maybe this will shine a bit of light on this for you?

    xxoo



  44.  #44GlowStix on April 15, 2014 at 6:53 am

    I feel pleasantly tired and achy in my body. I spent 3+ hours in my garden yesterday. Just clearing out weeds and overgrowth and turning the soil and making it all fresh and lovely. I was hard work and it felt satisfying and rewarding. I I feel so lucky to have such a huge space (the garden is about 50 ft long and 3-5 ft deep depending) in which to grow things. I’m really just a beginner with this gardening thing and i’m really enjoying it and kind of evisioning myself doing it for many years to come and learning more and more about it.

    I find myself wishing I had something to talk about about my relatuonship and yet there’s just not much going on. It’s good, it’s calm and soft and easy and lovely right now. I feel like the whole world sometimes and I like it.

    I feel like i’m morphing physically without much effort on my part. I feel and see my body getting stronger, getting lighter. My clothes are getting bigger- I feel a pang of fear. I afforded myself one new outfit over the weekend. A new summer outfit. Long black jean shorts with white stitching and some pretty jewels on the pockets and a white eyelet lace shirt with embroidered black flowers. It looks cute and fresh and fits well. I kind of couldn’t believe how “thin” I looked. I feel neutral about it. I feel the slightest fear at judging my body either way. I am loving it no matter what.
    I’m on day 38 of a 125 day challenge for whole body/soul well being. It’s not much of a “challenge”…I’m hardly thinking about it (aside from right now lol) i’m just doing it. Eating yummy delicious healthy foods, moving my body in various ways, meditating. The transformations almost seem to be happening on their own as time chugs along. I’m letting go of control. My body will do whatever it does. I feel most happy to notice my new strength. A little tone in my arms, a rounder firmer bottom, a strong and tall posture, a lack of pain where there once was, a lack of huffing and puffing when I march up the hill to my home. Lovely 🙂



  45.  #45GlowStix on April 15, 2014 at 7:03 am

    Difficult to believe that only a month ago I felt terrified that I would be in constant pain for the rest of my life and might need to have surgery much sooner than I had anticipated. I was freaking out about it lol And I just remember telling myself “no, I am not broken. I just need some TLC.”. 🙂 Amazing! It was true. I’m not totally where I want to be with my injury…I can’t quite look over my shoulder. But it doesn’t hurt me, it just feels tight tight tight. So I imagine that maybe if I focus a little more on my loosening stretches and exercises daily, I might see some improvements there. I feel slightly afraid to focus so narrowly on just that specific part of my body. I don’t want to make it worse by over working it. I believe that if I am very gentle and easy about it, I will be safe.



  46.  #46Veronica on April 15, 2014 at 8:06 am

    BearCD wants to meet soon again (he lives 50 minutes’ drive away). And this is new, I had a quiet gasp to myself that a man would be so unashamedly enthusiastic about wanting to see me. I do like that. I thought I would have disdain for that kind of openness since that was usually how my openness was received. I feel relieved that instead I have this warm, welcoming and benevolent appreciation energy in me when that happened. This seems special because all we did was talk and have a walk after the meal.



  47.  #47Syreena on April 15, 2014 at 8:11 am

    Something that is coming up at the moment for me a lot.

    When someone asks me to talk about something that has felt bad or traumatic, it has been like I am experiencing and reliving that trauma all over again. If they then interrogate, dismiss or minimize it feels really harmful.
    I then feel worse than if I had not spoken about it.

    I am hearing other people who have experienced trauma lately say the same thing.

    This is coming up a lot lately.
    And everyone I have witnessed retelling their taumas have visably been shaking.

    I have also experienced this to the point of me shaking so much that if the trauma comes back to my mind that I cannot move at times or go out.

    It feels completely incapacitating and very scary when this happens. Although I believe it is perhaps my bodies way of keeping both my body and mind safe to pay make me pay attention and focus only on that. Then other times I am ok just feeling happy again and getting on with things.



  48.  #48Azure Blu on April 15, 2014 at 8:48 am

    Andrea,
    Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, for taking the time To share your adventures with your CDs with us!!! You have helped me use feeling messages more.

    I too feel VERY inspired by your FMs and when you couple them with the event you used them in… I can see first hand how they would melt anyones Heart!

    I can see that by sharing your lovely, warm vulnerable self the CDs feel accepted and inspired to be the best person they can.

    I am inspired to become more curious about who my CDs actually are, and to accept and receive the manly, warm heart of them.



  49.  #49Azure Blu on April 15, 2014 at 9:38 am

    Syreena 47,
    I have experienced this also… The event happened 30 yrs ago and I still am sooo triggered most of my day is not good after that… The last time the event was brought up was almost 2 years ago (before RR) I’m wondering how it would affect me now…



  50.  #50Cécilia on April 15, 2014 at 9:42 am

    Dominique-42,
    Okay, so let me just take a moment to celebrate that he was open and expressed his feelings to me in that text(:
    That feels really good to appreciate, actually.

    Thank you Dominique, that conversation would be good to have with him, the “what can we do so that we both feel good here”. I made him I uncomfortable by talking about other men… Whoops.



  51.  #51Dominique on April 15, 2014 at 10:16 am

    Syreena – 47 – This sounds like it might be PTSD. And I understand this feeling well. It does feel terrible. Have you thought about possible seeking counseling for this?

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  52.  #52Dominique on April 15, 2014 at 10:18 am

    Cecilia – 50 – YAY you!!! You were so easily able to turn around what felt awful into something which feels doable and even good. Please let me know how this goes.

    Sending you love.

    xxoo



  53.  #53Indigo on April 15, 2014 at 10:47 am

    ((Cecilia)) ((Veronica)) ((Butterfly Wings))

    For some reason my heart really goes out to all of you when I read about your experiences where your man has taken a female friend out to dinner, does things with her that he wouldn’t do with you, and so forth.

    As you say, Butterfly Wings, it is all about how secure I feel in the relationship. My ex, D, had female friends but, though I wasn’t crazy about it, I didn’t find it nearly as triggering because I knew, *knew* (and I can’t tell you how I knew) how much I meant to him and that I was his world.

    With Blue, the guy I have just broken up with, I thought about it from every angle, and I realized there was no way I could accept it if nothing ever changed. He cared about me a lot, and I know still does, and he didn’t ever favour them over me or make them seem more special… but I realized I could never be ok with the fact that he had asked his ex to help him pick out my gift, or him telling me that they “approved” of me, or feeling like the second we didn’t have plans together he was wanting to go out and spend time with his female friends. I didn’t feel he would cheat on me but I simply couldn’t make myself ok with this, and I especially couldn’t make myself ok with the fact that he told me my feelings were “illogical”.

    Even so, I know this is something I need to bring back to me, as it is a big trigger, and I’m curious how my healing around this will play out.



  54.  #54Indigo on April 15, 2014 at 10:57 am

    I realized in my last relationship, I felt like I was “holding back the tide” with the female friends issue… if I just let go the whole thing would engulf me with no concern for me at all. It was a horrible feeling.



  55.  #55Indigo on April 15, 2014 at 11:12 am

    In other news, my ex D called me tonight.

    He said he cared for me, other than that I don’t adequately know how to describe this phone call.

    He has kind of an angry way of talking because I believe he is frustrated with his life and with his lot in life. He has rheumatoid arthritis which cannot be cured and can only be managed which causes him moderate to severe pain on a regular basis. This has been very hard on me over the time that I have known him. I know he cares about me and he barks at me and is so obsessed with not letting any stress into his life that he completely pushes away all intimacy and keeps everyone at a distance. My attempts to be accommodating and work around his illness have not really worked, though I am without a doubt the longest relationship of any intimacy he has ever had. It is so frustrating because he is so perfect for me in every other way, and he has acknowledged the same about me. But he will not let me close. And in our conversation today he sort of indirectly blamed his love for me for the fact that he cannot move on. (As if I really could stop him from moving on if he met a girl he really wanted to be with, as if I would even try!)

    Oh sigh, Sirens, this situation is not even deeply upsetting any more, it’s funny.



  56.  #56CurvySiren10 on April 15, 2014 at 11:53 am

    Wow Indigo…the D saga is just so bizarre and confusing to me. I admit that it made me smile reading that you are now viewing it as ‘funny’ vs. deeply upsetting.
    I just wish I knew how this tale will be written at the end of it all. Sending you lots of good thoughts & hugs. I think about you a lot…



  57.  #57Indigo on April 15, 2014 at 12:12 pm

    Thanks CurvySiren, I appreciate your hugs and friendship so much. x

    No one is more confused than me. I have this deep down feeling that we belong together and that is why he cannot move on, and also in a weird way why my relationships don’t work out. It’s a feeling I can’t shake.

    Though at the moment, it just looks bizarre.



  58.  #58Liquid Light on April 15, 2014 at 12:14 pm

    Had a really strange evening last night. Tex wanted to get together so I told him I could after my dinner with a friend. We had a plan to meet at 8:30. During the dinner, my other friend J started a 3 way text between Tex, her and myself. She had arranged for the 3 of to get together for a drink before a singles event tonight that I had invited her to! I hadn’t told Tex anything about the singles event or that I was doing online dating so that felt weird. And then when I saw Tex, I asked him about the texts (he was responding to her) turns out he thought that I was having dinner with her!

    Anyway, the whole thing really left a bad taste in my mouth like she’s going behind my back arranging things with Tex without even asking me first. She knows he and I went out on a date the night before but didn’t know that we also went out last night and I was sitting there with Tex as she was texting/flirting with him! So bizarre!

    I feel pretty disappointed in her and part of me just doesn’t want to deal with her and I feel like writing her off but another part of me doesn’t want to lose the friendship. I feel like its done some pretty bad damage though sadly.

    What are your thoughts on this ladies? I’m just kinda shocked and flabbergasted by the whole thing and don’t know what to make of it!!! I feel stabbed in the back. 🙁



  59.  #59Liquid Light on April 15, 2014 at 12:21 pm

    PS: Tex and I kissed for the first time last night when he walked me back to my car. I have to admit, I was a bit hesitant because of his being so much older than me but I was kinda enjoying it until he said “ummm nasty” when we french kissed a little. That turned me off. 🙁

    I think he could tell so between that and the weird 3 way text messages, the date was a bit off.



  60.  #60CurvySiren10 on April 15, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    Indigo, as you know I have always had that feeling about you two, but it is such a difficult road to navigate.

    I agree that you both seem to have a lot of trouble moving away from each other or into other relationships…yet, the two of you together are such a volatile entity. It’s incredibly confusing.

    You being so sensitive and gentle. Him seemingly unable to express much other than anger. Such a very complex dynamic.

    I have a lot of empathy for you though. I know it feels to feel -deep down- that this is your ‘one’ even when nothing visible to the naked eye indicates this. So tough.

    Lots & lots of love to you. xo



  61.  #61April Rose on April 15, 2014 at 12:26 pm

    Indigo,

    My intuition says that D’s illness is emotionally-rooted.
    He may find a way to overcome it. He may not. His path is his path, and you have to find the best path for you.

    What I want to say is that there are other men who are right for you. Orna and Matthew Walters teach that we have many soul mates that resonate beautifully with us. Gosh, how cruel it would be if there were only one soulmate in the world, and we had to sift through billions of people to find them!



  62.  #62Indigo on April 15, 2014 at 12:30 pm

    April Rose,

    I agree with you. I have read up about RA and many sources say it is rooted in emotion, especially the suppression of anger.

    As you say, it’s his path and only he can walk it and experience his life. I cannot.

    I have to believe there is someone perfect out there for me, maybe many someone, but that I will meet him! I am prepared for the possibility that D may never come back to me, so I am living my life.

    x



  63.  #63Indigo on April 15, 2014 at 12:44 pm

    ((((CurvySiren))))

    As usual, you understand me. Thank you so SO much for saying this.

    I am so aware of the volatile dynamic between us. People tell me things about the situation, and literally they could not tell me anything I do not know or have not already considered. I absolutely 100% know that it makes no sense and seems to be so strange.

    It may sound like a terrible thing to say, but his anger affects me less and less, I have actually got so used to it. I have also got better at reading what he is saying beneath the words.

    Anyway, I don’t know. I’ll definitely keep you updated. People think I must have a reason or agenda, but it actually baffles me immensely.

    Love to you xx



  64.  #64Femininewoman on April 15, 2014 at 1:23 pm

    Indigo reading your comments brought Carol Allen and to mind. She seems to suggest that knowing how a man is and how you are can bring peace to a relationship. Like if you know it is a man’s nature to be harsh you can allow him to be that way and not take it personally or let it affect you. She talks about us coming “from factory loaded” a certain way. It seems to me that she believes with the knowledge you can navigate your way around relationship landmines. Is the best way I can express it. In other words like you let him be harsh and angry while you remain grounded in your happy vibe and leave him be until he comes around to his happy self again until he can reconnect. I guess that is if you love a man enough to allow him to himself without it affecting you.



  65.  #65Femininewoman on April 15, 2014 at 1:36 pm

    Indigo you “can” stop him from moving him. Especially if he is taken by your siren vibe and deeply believes he can’t be happy in life unless he is with you. Yes that is his issue and his belief. Which is the reason we just need to “be” rather than do anything to earn a man’s love. I have someone who has been “in love” with me for the last 30 years and in an “imaginary relationship” with me. You don’t have to actively do anything to stop him.

    I am thinking if you could learn something from Andrea’s journey, how to drop expectations, stay curious, remain open and unaffected by his reactions or triggers toward you things could really shift. I am trying to find a way to express how I am thinking. I don’t want to come across as suggesting that you stuff your feelings but maybe share your feelings as if in awe at yourself and kinda talking to yourself about what you are feeling. It might shift things a bit so you don’t come across as looking to him to do anything about your feelings.

    Don’t know if I am making sense here.



  66.  #66April Rose on April 15, 2014 at 2:07 pm

    FW, Indigo,

    I did what Femininewoman describes as “..share your feelings as if in awe at yourself and kinda talking to yourself about what you are feeling…”

    This is what happened two days ago, after I invited WM into my bed for a morning cuddle.

    Feeling curious about his perspective, for once, I asked him about the kind of connection he really wanted. He said he never thought about it. I said “really? I feel surprised. What is most important to you? What would you create if you could wave a magic wand?”
    He did not answer. Instead I felt his restless fidgeting as he got annoyed and finally said he was tired of my line of questioning, that he didn’t want to be drawn in because I was obviously looking for a certain answer from him. He continued his rant, banging the mattress with his arm. I felt jolted and shocked.

    I felt so horrible, my skin crawling and flushing hot. I felt helpless and entirely misunderstood.

    I slavered myself with love. Which is the only tool I can remember when I feel in crisis.

    He then talked. He said he has been wary of getting close to me, after all that has happened (and I knew he was talking of the time I decided to date others and got pretty close to EM) and that yes, he is more closed off to me these days.

    I felt the tears coming, and the huge well of sorrow and longing in the pit of my heart.

    Then, suddenly, something occurred to me. I saw the pattern of me being the one having the emotional experience and him being cold and logical.

    I said out loud “What’s the logical thing to do, here?”

    And then I shifted out of misery, and began to talk to myself out loud.

    “I do want connection. I want intimacy that feels personal and close. I want passion and pleasure in my life every day. I feel so sick of being on a hamster wheel, longing for those feelings with you. I want to get off the wheel. It feels too painful”.

    And then I said “You take as much time as you need to figure out your wariness. In the meantime I need to get on with living my life. Beginning with an important job I need to do on my house.”

    And then I jumped out of bed and put my clothes on while he watched me.

    I felt so clear and relieved, saying those things out loud. Affirming to myself what I want. I felt free from the invisible tie that says my happiness is linked to how he relates to me.



  67.  #67Liquid Light on April 15, 2014 at 2:18 pm

    it feels like its the end of our friendship…I just feel so disappointed, and angry, and sad, and burned….burned again by another “friend” 🙁



  68.  #68April Rose on April 15, 2014 at 2:30 pm

    (((Liquid Light)))

    I found it quite difficult to follow the three-way text scenario you wrote about.

    What I did gather was that your female friend was initiating texts with your CD. Am I right? Does she know you are dating him? Is there a sort of feminine protocol amongst you with an understanding that you don’t step on each other’s toes when it comes to dating?

    I feel more troubled by what happened when you and he were kissing. I don’t understand his remark. Did he explain? Was he using the term ‘nasty’ to mean ‘terrific’? Did you let him see how you felt?



  69.  #69Liquid Light on April 15, 2014 at 2:36 pm

    yeah, I think that he meant he liked it kinda nasty…I guess it just made me feel weird.

    the whole thing with my friend was just not cool. we had plans to go to a singles event tonight which I had gone out of my way for her since she lives in an isolated place and isn’t meeting men. I encouraged her to go with me to this and then she pulls the rug out from under me by inviting Tex for a drink before the event. It was off putting because she let the cat out of the bag (about the singles event) and I don’t feel like it was cool for her to do that. It was very awkward when I was sitting with Tex last night and the flirtatious texts were coming from her while I was trying to explain to him about the singles event and the online dating. And I felt so annoyed with her. What was she thinking? Obviously not much care or consideration about our friendship. GRRRR!!!! I feel like punching something…good thing she’s not here.



  70.  #70Liquid Light on April 15, 2014 at 2:43 pm

    I feel scared…like maybe she’s a bit unstable. Tex thought the whole thing was really weird too. This sucks.



  71.  #71Dominique on April 15, 2014 at 2:52 pm

    April Rose – 66 – Awesome. What an amazing revelations and breakthrough.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  72.  #72April Rose on April 15, 2014 at 3:09 pm

    Liquid Light,

    How about trying on a bit of rock star easy-breezy attitude that radiates “Sure, I’m dating and it feels fun meeting lots of people, and discovering what feels good and what doesn’t when I’m with a man”

    Get it into your bones that you are auditioning contestants, and that worthy candidates win a date with you. Tis man is already lucky to have been chosen for more than one date with you!

    You could even use it as an opener into a conversation about what your deeper desires and values are in life, and how you see yourself in relationship with your ‘the one’.



  73.  #73Liquid Light on April 15, 2014 at 3:15 pm

    AR, its not about him, its about my friendship with this woman or lack thereof, that’s what I would like to get perspective on.



  74.  #74April Rose on April 15, 2014 at 3:17 pm

    I think she has done you a potential favour.

    So that you can open up intimate conversations, and not be shy or embarrassed about going to singles events.

    You could even practice a sassy phrase like “I’m a single girl aren’t I? Until that day a gentleman ties me down with a ring and a wedding date (giggle)”.

    Keep it light and fun.



  75.  #75April Rose on April 15, 2014 at 3:21 pm

    Just as we can’t control what a man does, nor can we control our friends’ behaviour.

    Are you close enough to have a talk? And say “I’m dating this guy and so I need a certain amount of discretion. I’ll do the same for you”.

    Most of my froends are pretty discreet. One is a blurter. I understand that is her nature, and so I don’t hold it against her.

    I would need to clarify, if it were me, that my friend knew or didn’t know that I was seeing the guy.



  76.  #76April Rose on April 15, 2014 at 3:27 pm

    Thank you, Dominique

    Since that happened, he has started saying “I love you” to me again.
    For months previously he was saying “love you”, which, though it felt nice to hear, felt far less personal.



  77.  #77April Rose on April 15, 2014 at 3:30 pm

    My new phrase I want to practice

    “I’m a single girl until that improbable day when a man ties me down with a ring and a wedding date”.



  78.  #78Liquid Light on April 15, 2014 at 4:00 pm

    I do wonder if there is something off about her. Here is what she just wrote me:

    I was kind of surprised when he bought me a drink but you asked him out.

    The truth is that he bought both of us a drink and in fact, he couldn’t even see her from where he was sitting. I just spoke to him to get his take and he said he was interested in me from the beginning and not her. Her behavior is starting to feel pathetic.



  79.  #79Liquid Light on April 15, 2014 at 4:09 pm

    I’m getting that psycho competitive jealous vibe that I’ve gotten before from some women. I’ve learned the hard way that friendship is just not possible with a woman who feels that competitive and insecure about herself. So sad.



  80.  #80Liquid Light on April 15, 2014 at 4:14 pm

    Just realizing that this kind of off the charts irrationality when it comes to men has happened 3 times to me before, and all 3 of those friendships ended because of it. I kept trying to give them a chance, but it didn’t work and I just came to the conclusion that they weren’t real friends and couldn’t be trusted. Wow, this is f’n pathetic and sad!!! Number 4 bites the dust. I’m just not wasting more time investing myself in friendships like this who won’t think twice about stabbing you in the back when it comes to a man. WOW!!!! Every time it happens though I’m shocked! 🙁



  81.  #81Cécilia on April 15, 2014 at 4:18 pm

    Butterfly Wings – 36
    17 men in a rotation??! 😉 That’s amazing, go you!! I feel such happiness for you and your current love life, this sounds like a wonderful time for you.

    GlowStix – 44
    What “challenge” is this exactly? It sounds fantastic, and I really enjoy meditating and nutrition… if it is a specific thing you found on the internet I would look it up. I am always looking for things to do for myself.



  82.  #82Cécilia on April 15, 2014 at 4:52 pm

    Dominique-52,
    Thank you. Here is my update.
    I was at his house this afternoon, our love felt like it was flowing back and forth, and after him holding me for awhile and us laughing and kissing, he brought up my friend, asking how he was. I said he’s good, and I right away brought up our issue with different gender friends. I didn’t plan much of what I was going to say, but speaking from my heart in that very moment worked so incredibly well. I said I feel silly for bringing up my friend around him yesterday, because I felt the tension it created… And I also gave him some compliments. He responded soo well to me, we talked about the girl as well (just a little bit) and he suddenly pulled me into his chest and said that I’m his only special girl and I’m the best(:

    From there on our visit kept getting better and better. He kept giving me these looks that were so sweet, I felt like the only important thing in the world. He grabbed my hand at one point and just randomly out of the blue told me he couldn’t stop thinking about me all day.

    I feel so powerful and so feminine(:



  83.  #83Syreena on April 15, 2014 at 6:12 pm

    Thank you for your reply Dominique. I have yes, I feel scared about doing so. I am ok some of the time and then later the memories and the shaking and crying come back.



  84.  #84Andrea on April 15, 2014 at 7:03 pm

    Liquid Light ?? what?? Okay what is happening?

    I feel your anger and exasperation.

    I feel confused as well. Is your friend someone that Tex knew before meeting you? Or, how did she come up with his phone number?

    I guess I can’t say that I’ve ever been in a situation like this before. I have many girlfriends and we always hang out together and meet men together. We don’t have any “rule” or “codes” of conduct. I just don’t ever feel engrossed enough in any one man that him flirting with a friend of mine would bother me.

    I feel drawn to men, not because of who they are, but because of how they treat me over a long period of time. I only feel like I have “dibs” on them if they are actively and intensely showing me that they want to pursue me and only me. Otherwise, it’s just some passing fun. A man really has to prove that he’s extremely special and treats me extremely special in order for me to be angry at one of my girlfriends over him.

    I had one man seek me out twice at a band concert and take me out for breakfast late after one of them and even kiss me heavy when he dropped me off at home. Oooohhh I had fantasies about him.

    But about three days after that one of my good friends told me that she and he had been seeing each other, dating, non-comittal, but kissing and such. I told her… “I definitely feel envious. But it looks like he’s interested in pursuing you.”

    I had no qualms about it because he never actually showed me over time that he was worthy of my anger or energy. It’s up to him to prove that to me. Up to him to convince me that he’s worthy of me.

    I had a really good friend admit to me that she had always thought that My Joe was interested in her. When I asked him, he was very honest about the fact that while he had liked her, there was just something about me that made him feel good about himself.

    All I guess I’m feeling here is that it is up to the man to earn your energy. If he wants to flirt around with many women at the same time… that’s what he wants to do right now. If your friend is okay with flirting with a man who is actively pursuing another woman, that’s her choice. You are the person who gets to choose whether you want that dynamic in your life or not. But Tex certainly is NOT the prize to be fighting over. You are the prize.

    In friendship and in relationships with men, your boundaries are yours. If I want YOU as my friend, I’m not going to be knowingly flirting with a man it looks like you’re interested in. Because I want YOU as my friend. If I care more about getting some guy than I do about your friendship, then I don’t deserve you as a friend.

    I would back off of both of them. I would go on my merry way without any explanation. If either one of them calls you, pursues you, then you have the chance to negotiate and voice your decision to be drama free when it comes to love.

    “Hey, thanks for the offer of friendship, but I feel really icky when a friend of mine needs the attention of a man I’m interested in.”

    Or.. “Hi Tex, I feel wonderful hearing from you and I really feel like I need some time to consider whether or not you are the kind of quality man I’m looking to date. You see, I feel very strange when a man who is interested in me accepts text messages from a girlfriend of mine.”

    (If I’m getting the whole story straight)

    I guess my question is: how has he shown you that he’s worthy enough of you, for you to lose a friend over??

    And: how has your friend shown you that she is worthy enough as a friend, for you to lose a potential CD over?



  85.  #85Starla on April 15, 2014 at 7:23 pm

    Tereana, I meant to tell you this earlier, and I don’t mean to offend anyone’s culture or anything like that, but you as an adult western woman probably won’t find a great match in a virgin, especially one from another culture.



  86.  #86Starla on April 15, 2014 at 7:29 pm

    i also strongly believe that your next relationship will have a nice balance in between the extremes of sl*tty and virginal. i have a good feeling about it:). it’ll be a man with some sexual experience under his belt, who knows about the meaning and power of sex at least somewhat consciously! it’s going to be yummy and glorious:)



  87.  #87Butterfly Wings on April 15, 2014 at 8:39 pm

    81: Cécilia – Yup, 17. It was exhausting in the end, but it was so so so much fun, and I met so many lovely guys.

    Glad to not have to worry about any of that anymore though… Life is finally headed exactly where I wanted it to go, even though it’s unexpected and happened sooner than I thought. 🙂



  88.  #88Veronica on April 15, 2014 at 9:50 pm

    Glowstix – 44 – There is so much peace and calm flowing out that after I read your post, I noticed how my being just lapped it up, enjoyed it and wanted to keep some of that ‘in storage for a rainy day’ for myself.



  89.  #89Veronica on April 15, 2014 at 9:51 pm

    Indigo – 53 – Thank you, your empathy comforts me. You do make a good point. If I knew what I meant to BM then it wouldn’t have felt so awful; in fact I believe it would have been a non-issue.
    I don’t get the interaction with D either – it seems like it’s haunting both of you. Though I do feel relieved to know that it’s not upsetting to you.
    xo



  90.  #90Veronica on April 15, 2014 at 9:52 pm

    ((((Liquid Light))))



  91.  #91Veronica on April 15, 2014 at 9:52 pm

    Cecilia – 82 – Yay!!



  92.  #92Veronica on April 15, 2014 at 9:53 pm

    My guy friend is being so supportive of my project. I always feel drawn to that – genuine support.



  93.  #93Indigo on April 15, 2014 at 9:55 pm

    Feminine Woman and April Rose,

    I have a lot to write to you, which I will do later as I’m just leaving for work.

    Liquid Light,

    I just wanted to say to you, this behavior from your friend would so not feel ok to me. Admittedly my circle of close friends is small, but they are all people I feel safe with, trust and know that they have my back.

    I would feel quite “knife to the stomach” if one of my friends did this to me. If it were me, I would have a conversation with this friend and share in a soft way how I feel, that I really felt blindsided and what does she think. I believe her reaction can tell you a lot.

    x



  94.  #94Tereana on April 15, 2014 at 10:27 pm

    Butterfly Wings (36) that is super cool!!

    And FW, thank you for your honest response. It’s funny – I sometimes feel your feedback in this blunt way. But I agree and that feels right to me – especially because I DID chase him off, big time. And now I think I kind of know why. And I believe he still loves me. He may not want to date, and that’s ok. I just want to be on even footing (emotionally) when I do make contact. And also be really sure that I want to.

    Taking a step back from the situation has been a really good thing for me. Wherever it leads – back to him, or to the next one, there is definitely good stuff I’ve learned and lots of “takeaways”….



  95.  #95Tereana on April 15, 2014 at 10:29 pm

    Darnit. I was just posting on the last thread, thinking I was on this one, and wondering, “where is everyone???” lol it was good stuff, too..haha



  96.  #96Tereana on April 15, 2014 at 10:36 pm

    Starla, 85, that feels like kind of an odd comment. I mean, not to be judgmental, because I don’t know where you are coming from, but it strikes me as close-minded and lacking in curiosity and openness. I don’t think that way. I am not a typical “western woman.” And I don’t understand what virgin status and/or culture have to do with compatibility. Quite honestly, I was struggling with the cultural difference of how we treat time. His being a virgin was a total turn on, and it was like an extra special bonus gift to me, when I found out.

    If I were me, and I am, I would not be so hasty to judge the relationship by the sexual experience of one partner over another. That was, quite honestly, the least of my worries…



  97.  #97Tereana on April 15, 2014 at 10:37 pm

    Sorry, I don’t like the word “close-minded.” Just lacking in curiosity and openness, that’s all…



  98.  #98Tereana on April 15, 2014 at 10:46 pm

    LL, I just read your story. That is super weird! For me, in my context, it reminds me if the things my mom does “behind my back,” later insisting innocently that she was “helping me,” when I feel undermined and, like you said, as if the rug has been pulled out from under your feet.

    Instead of simply asking you if you wanted to do it, she manipulated the situation by basically not giving you a choice, and simultaneously “outing” you to Tex about online dating, etc. Not cool.

    The plus side is, you can walk away from a friend, or at least relegate her to “acquaintance” status – and not go out of your way for her anymore. And, since Tex probably sees how awkward it is, it can bring you closer together by giving you something to laugh about (her silly antics – which, to me, seem desperate…)



  99.  #99Tereana on April 15, 2014 at 10:48 pm

    I have been thinking a lot about how to “get my power back” – from everywhere. It feels like trying to collect the feathers that have come out of a pillowcase…that’s all for now



  100.  #100Millie on April 15, 2014 at 11:32 pm

    Liquid light- i really like what Andrea said to you. You can set your boundaries in friendships just as much As with dating.

    I also see what Tereana is saying about your friend appearing as though she’s helping, when really she isn’t. Is she good friends with Tex?



  101.  #101Millie on April 15, 2014 at 11:51 pm

    I feel bummed that there is no romance in my life. My cousin has a boyfriend that wants to marry her, who she is unsure about and is cheating on him with another man who has a girlfriend and a new born. I feel like she has no direction and is just running between a man she really doesn’t want and a man who appears to want her but in actuality is unavailable so she won’t feel alone. But it’s not for me to dispense advice to her unless she asks. I just feel worried for her….. And selfishly I am envious that she is having amazing sex while my love life is dry as the Sahara. I’m so tired of writing the same ol schpiel…. I don’t really feel in control of changing this situation. Maybe this is just how it’s going to be. I’m such a go-getter, I have my a dream job, a dream apartment, a body most women dream of, i really have it all… I’m just alone in all of this wonderfulness. Will I ever grasp this how to build attraction concept? Will I ever master this whole vibe thing? Will I ever be able to do this? I’m someone that can do anything she puts her mind to… But I can’t do this? Ugh I feel like I write the same tape over and over…are you ladies bored of listening to me yet…



  102.  #102Butterfly Wings on April 16, 2014 at 12:45 am

    Hey Millie. I’ve been gone for a while, so I’m definitely not bored! 🙂

    I went through all that myself. I often wondered how everyone around me could find someone, but here I was still single. One of the guys at work once said to me, “You’re freaking hot, you’re down to earth, you’re low maintenance – you’re the perfect woman!”. I’d say to him (and others who would say similar things), “Well if I’m so darn great, then why the hell am I still single????!!!!”. So I get ya.

    In the last year, I just CD’d like crazy, practising being in my feminine, using FM’s and all of the other things Rori teaches. I had what was probably the best year of my life as a result of this, and I’ve made some wonderful new friends. And now I’m finally reaping the benefits.

    My marriage ended almost 4 years ago to the day, and it was only a month ago that I finally found someone who I think is “the one”. He’s an awesome guy who has had a crush on me for two years, and I was completely unaware! Now we’re both in awe of how intense and wonderful this feels for both of us. So there’s hope! xxx



  103.  #103Veronica on April 16, 2014 at 3:31 am

    Oh wow. BM is engaged. For someone so against marriage and having a family to turn around like that – that is something to learn from.



  104.  #104Femininewoman on April 16, 2014 at 5:44 am

    Veronica – yupp.



  105.  #105Femininewoman on April 16, 2014 at 5:51 am

    Tereana I respect the way you feel about Starla’s comments. I also find myself resonating and agreeing with both comments. I do believe that a man who has explored his sexuality knows who he is, is more aware of what he wants in his life and also has a better idea about the type of woman that matches him better than a man who has no learning in that arena. Not to suggest that a relationship with him would not work. Just that he has already experienced many of the relationship speedbumps so he is better able to navigate around them with awareness.



  106.  #106GlowStix on April 16, 2014 at 6:24 am

    Cecilia 81

    It is just my own thing that I kind of made up. It’s not anything very specific (the main point-I want it to be fun and doable). I am eating 90% or more home cooked meals that I consider “nutritious”. So lots of veggies and lean meats etc. I make sure I have a healthy snack for after dinner (my snacking time) like an apple or greek yoghurt or both. I am “moving my body” instead of “exercising” because I have some physical ailments. So every day I go for a walk or swim or do yoga or possibly all 3 if i’m feeling very energetic. Just light movements. The highest impact would be walking around my neighborhood, which is very steep and hilly (it’s doing great things for my bum lol). I do some form of meditation daily. I have no actual experience with real meditation so I kind of make up my own and guide myself. Just basically anything that feels calming…Visualizations or breathing or even sometimes rori tools (unzipper your heart etc) or all of the above. I do these in bed at night.

    So those are the main 3 components. I find it opening up my world very much. Even in ways that have nothing to do with my body. I spend less time online, more time outside. I am doing new things that I enjoy like gardening, and old things that I enjoy like reading, writing, sketching more often. I’m thinking about taking up painting so I can art in colour lol

    All in all it’s becoming more of a fun thing and less of a “challenge”. Which is the main thing 🙂
    I would definitely encourage anyone to do the same. Come up with your very own fun “challenge”. Set your own number of days and pick 3 things that are doable. See where it takes you 🙂



  107.  #107GlowStix on April 16, 2014 at 6:30 am

    Cecilia 82

    Wow 🙂 sounds lovely. Go you!



  108.  #108GlowStix on April 16, 2014 at 6:35 am

    Veronica 88

    oh, wow! What a great thing for me to read this morning 🙂 *beaming* lol <3



  109.  #109GlowStix on April 16, 2014 at 7:21 am

    Veronica 103

    The man i’m with used to say (when we first met) “You’re barking up the wrong tree if you want the whole marriage family thing.”
    and I would say “Good.” lol
    Because at that time I was pretty freshly separated and only wanted fun, sex, male energy.

    Fast forward to now and he says “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” “You’re the only person for me.”
    “You are my whole world.” “I guess we gotta start thinking about getting ready to pop out some kids.” (lol kind of a running joke because he always says “‘pop out’ some kids.”

    And I find myself learning and growing to KEEP UP with him him in that sense.

    I’m a true believer that the things people say aren’t set in stone. However…If I HAD wanted marriage and babies at that time that I met him, I may not be with him today. My boundary practice has been such that I probably would have removed myself from his presence.
    But then I guess we never know how he may have responded to that either..

    It’s just fascinating to me that because he DID HAVE that time and space, and it was specifically through my lack of needing any of those things, that he grew to want them, and with me specifically.



  110.  #110GlowStix on April 16, 2014 at 7:25 am

    My favourite “You are the only person in the world I ever want to have my adventures with. Think about THAT lady…”

    He said that to me in Vegas last october. That vacation threw my whole world up into the air, and I like where the pieces are landing 🙂



  111.  #111Veronica on April 16, 2014 at 8:48 am

    Glowstix – 109 and 110 – It sounds like you were compatible from the get-go : ) The adventure comment is so funny.

    I find that sudden change fascinating too. While I was overseas, a mutual friend of ours started dating this one woman seriously. I *knew* he was serious about her because I felt a sense that he had made this ‘internal decision’ with regards to her. BM said that it wouldn’t last more than a few months – it’s now a year later and they’re still together. I believe the same thing happened with BM – he found someone he had made that internal decision about. I know I could feel sad and depressed that it wasn’t me he made that decision about, and it is tempting to feel that way. But it’s also interesting – I didn’t want that when I was with him, not in any urgent sense, maybe in a couple of years and I knew what he felt about it for himself – it’s that sudden turn that I find interesting, it keeps the world alive for me.

    Lol that must have been some vacation!



  112.  #112Veronica on April 16, 2014 at 8:59 am

    BearCD seemed a bit dismissive when I said I wasn’t available this Friday. I didn’t really take much stock in that and let it go. Then his next message was supportive of my project and encouraging of what I want to do artistically – I definitely like that.



  113.  #113Dominique on April 16, 2014 at 9:59 am

    Cecilia – 82 – SO lovely. 🙂

    xxoo



  114.  #114Dominique on April 16, 2014 at 10:02 am

    Syreena – 83 – I’m so sorry this happens to you. It’s not easy. I sometimes wonder if this ever goes away altogether. Mine hasn’t though it has become much, much better, easier the safer I feel within myself and my environment. I hope you can get to a better feeling place with this.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  115.  #115Indigo on April 16, 2014 at 10:34 am

    FW 64,

    I actually came to that conclusion myself, not that I always do it.

    I remember the day I realized I could actually be unaffected by his anger. I was standing in the middle of his house and he was stomping around from one room to another, and he was raising his voice about one thing and another, about how I “am”. And I suddenly wasn’t upset by it at all, I actually chuckled gently to myself. Inside I actually felt like I was laughing, and it was reflected in the soft calm way I spoke, though I didn’t say much.

    He did a total turnaround. He calmed right down, his voice became softer and he became apologetic instead of accusatory. He ended the meeting by saying that he cared about me.

    I think I know what you are saying… we have conditioned responses to anger and high arousal levels, but just abiding with it and staying grounded can produce a powerful effect.



  116.  #116Liquid Light on April 16, 2014 at 10:36 am

    Thanks everyone for your feedback on my strange situation with my “friend”. What you’ve said has really resonated with me. Millie, yes, it has drawn Tex and I closer because as you say we are entertained and taken aback by her antics. And her messages back to me in the last 24 hrs are veering off into the bizarre so I don’t know what her problem is but I don’t feel comfortable having a friend like that. First of all to pull a stunt like that and move in on a man that I’m seeing, but then to respond as if I’m somehow the one who is being disloyal to her and that I “stole her man”. It’s just all too bizarre for me and now I would feel that I would have to be very careful around her so that I wouldn’t do or say something to “set her off”. Yuck. Oh well, cutting my loses with her. The irony is that I was trying to help her get out there and meet men by inviting her to the singles happy hour…I guess what they say is true “no good deed goes unpunished”. I really get that! 🙁



  117.  #117Indigo on April 16, 2014 at 10:46 am

    FW 65 & April Rose 66,

    Thank you for the suggestion. I do this, just express my feelings as if in awe, on a regular basis… It’s a very “me” way of being. I regularly just express my feelings without expecting a response, just as you did April Rose (very cool outcome for you by the way 🙂 )

    I must say it always stumps me when he says I am the reason he can’t move on. As you say, I don’t have to do anything to actively stop him, it is just his belief and how he feels. My belief is that what he deep down wants is for me to “come around” to all the things he has been telling me over the years. He frequently makes a reference to “maybe in 40 years we’ll be an old married couple together”.

    It is ok. I like the fact that I am letting the effort and the overthinking go. I am just being and letting things be whatever they are. It feels much more relaxed and less painful. I can enjoy this moment and my life regardless of how things are.



  118.  #118Indigo on April 16, 2014 at 10:53 am

    Veronica 111,

    Please don’t feel sad that it wasn’t you. He gave you a great gift. I believe there is a synchronicity about things like that, and it is the Universe’s way of saying there is someone more perfect for you.



  119.  #119Indigo on April 16, 2014 at 11:00 am

    Sirens 🙂

    Tonight plans fell through and I am feeling a hibernating coming on again. I am downloading music and drinking wine and having snacks.

    I feel so unattached tonight, it is great.

    I can feel a pull towards homeliness and calm.

    *Huge internal smiles* 🙂 🙂



  120.  #120Femininewoman on April 16, 2014 at 11:01 am

    Indigo I feel you. I was just listening to Whitney Houston and Cee Cee Winans singing Count on Me.



  121.  #121Veronica on April 16, 2014 at 12:03 pm

    Indigo – 118 – Thank you – your words seem warm, loving and kind to me and this tenderness helps me to completely accept what you (and the Universe) are saying.

    I’m feeling a bit shaky (which I’ll explain in the next post) and can’t quite focus on saying more about what you wrote.



  122.  #122Tereana on April 16, 2014 at 3:21 pm

    Millie, I don’t know if you sound like a broken record or not. But even if you do, it’s totally ok : )

    And I have the complete opposite problem. I feel confident in attracting men. And even though it didn’t work out, the experience with M gave me more confidence that I can attract a man who will love me and want to give I me (and MY hard work is to learn how to accept that without criticism and fault-finding and blame, and all the awful, nasty stuff that isn’t really “me” comes out when I get into a relationship. This one was a wake up call that I still have more to practice, and that I really need to practice differently if I want to STAY in a relationship – and not just “have” one.)

    I got sidetracked. I meant to say, I feel now like I can attract men. But it’s the rest of my life that it suffering. I don’t have a job that I want. I don’t have a car. I don’t even have an apartment, never mind a “dream” one.

    All my dreams seem like they are slipping away or nonexistent. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I run on the steaming who I think I am, or used to be. But I don’t feel very “present” in any given moment. And the longer I stay with my mom, the worse it’s going to get. I feel like the life force from my soul is just being sucked dry…

    Oops another tangent. Basically, go you for having all that stuff. Maybe it’s a fantasy that I somehow believe that if I were financially secure, if I had the nice job, and everything else, that that would make my relationships flow. But maybe that is just an excuse not to work on the really hard bits that DO actually make relationships flow..including work relationships. I feel like i used to be so good at all that stuff. I don’t know what happened. I honestly don’t feel like I know myself anymore. But then again, I’m really, really tired right now…



  123.  #123Veronica on April 16, 2014 at 3:23 pm

    My internet connection has been bad lately. I’ve been very triggered by a difficult event that happened years ago. My knees were shaking, my jaw and stomach were clenching and I felt this dull ringing panic inside me.



  124.  #124Butterfly Wings on April 16, 2014 at 3:51 pm

    Tereana, my thinking used to be the opposite to yours. I was thinking that if I had a man come along, then everything else would fall into place. It wasn’t a good place for me to be, because I felt stuck because of it.

    The lesson I learned, was that I needed to move forward with the assumption that I would have to do it on my own, and I eventually convinced myself that I would be ok, regardless of whether I had the relationship I wanted or not.

    Then last year I started to doubt that a relationship was what I even wanted, because CDing had become so much fun for me, and that’s when a man came along to make me realise that yes, I wanted the relationship.

    Funny how that works… you let go of your attachment to the outcome, and something appears… xxx



  125.  #125Tereana on April 16, 2014 at 4:01 pm

    I don’t want to argue with you ladies about what you believe about sex. My personal experience runs exactly counter to popular belief/opinion (such as you are saying, that “lack of experience” = bad sex). In my actual experience, I have actually slept with more than one (not at the same time) virginal (so they said) men, who were “of a different culture.” Neither the virginity nor the culture impeded the sex in any way. If anything, it made it more exciting, and for me, if they hadn’t told me they were virgins, I would not have guessed. One, I outright thought he was making it up.

    To contrast, the absolute worst sex I’ve ever had was with people who started when they were really young, like teenagers. My take on it is that, when you are that young, sex is (probably, because I’m just guessing based on how they did it), a fevered act in which you sort of oaw at your partner and scramble around a bed until someone comes. There is no nuance, no art. It is all in service of ohmygodohmygodohmygod we’re having sex!!! Like a puppy. Lol not that sexy :-p

    What, to me, is more salient, is the particular chemistry that two people have together, rather than their individual experience.

    And that was a big question mark for me, with M. I wasn’t worried about his virginity. To me, it’s hot to think about a man who will know sex only with your body, and that will give him all kinds of opportunity to explore. I can use my own experience to guide him. And I’d have to learn his body, too. Sex with any new person, the first time, is, or can be, a little awkward. It’s to be expected.

    What bugged me was the quality of his touch. The way I would ask him, “please don’t bite me, I don’t like it.” Or I would say, “ow,” and he would still bite me. His hands were not the worst, but sometimes I wished he would touch me differently.

    All the time, I would think of S, who DID have a “magic” touch for me. Who’s hands could make me melt, easily. And who, instead of not understanding who I was, could make a painful story go away with two words “it’s okay.” And then kiss me. If I’m in the room with him, he wants to be near me. And it feels good. I never felt that comfortable with M. And that bothered me, especially now knowing how good it can feel…

    You could say it proves your point, in a way, in that S is much older, and does have a lot of experience. But it’s not only that. It’s a personality and a quality that I feel, which I feel us unrelated to “culture” or level of “experience.” It seems to me that every situation is unique.

    And it’s pretty moot, since M and I are over, and I don’t even feel like dating him anymore. If I was pushing him away, it’s probably because I had a bad(ish) feeling about him the whole time. Not that he’s s bsd guy. He’s clearly not. Just that, we aren’t maybe as compatible as I would have hoped, given out similar desires in terms of relationship…



  126.  #126Tereana on April 16, 2014 at 4:03 pm

    Butterfly, I hear you – totally cool!



  127.  #127Tereana on April 16, 2014 at 4:20 pm

    So I figured it out – I’m not the “drama queen,” I’m the Trauma Queen!!

    Whatever traumatic experience that I’ve had, or think I had, I use that to explain my behavior right now. And itightvactualky be true. But it’s also an excuse.

    Not only that, but if something new happens that I don’t like, I can be easily traumatized. And then I will likely avoid that thing or situation.

    It’s a little much, and I don’t know that it’s all necessary (or at all necessary). But long-term stress is a kind of trauma, and it kind of sets you up for more. That is why I love relaxation exercises and all kinds of stuff like that. But I kind of can’t get enough. It’s like pushing the boulder up the hill and it just comes down.

    Hm, I might be going about this “relaxation” thing the wrong way… ; )



  128.  #128Veronica on April 16, 2014 at 4:28 pm

    I may have been a virgin when I was with BM, but I was also very aware of my own sensuality – I already knew that touch was a core part of it. And I know what kind of sensuality in men turns me on (and off). All those years not having sex was spent cultivating my own sensuality. I let myself and my body listen and learn. I trust my sensuality.



  129.  #129Mercedes on April 16, 2014 at 4:33 pm

    Tereana – From the last thread…

    Thank you so much! I’m sure things will be fine…it’s just a struggle sometimes. And right now, I’m under the weather too (unusual for me so I don’t handle it well) and J is traveling and I’m just feeling sort of like crawling under the covers. lol

    I determined today not to succumb to this illness completely though so I wrote a blog post for Kahanu and I practiced what I preached (so to speak). I’m feeling somewhat better…not fully but somewhat…and I’m sure things will continue to look up as time goes on.

    Thanks again for the warm comforts. Much appreciated!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  130.  #130Hana on April 16, 2014 at 4:53 pm

    Andrea! Thank you for taking the care to comment so wisely. I really appreciated that you experienced something simimlar and how you handled it. I have been too rash and insecure about our relationship. I believe that I overreacted and went too fast into a decision. But I don’t know where that leads me now. I did have a date a few weeks back with a man I will call him working man. Because he is a hot shot business man. He has asked me out again but I told him my week is busy. I will try and see him next week. He texts me every day it is a very sexy yet at times very friendly. He is really lovely. I should get my self to stop seeing Ryan and like you say date men that aren’t him.



  131.  #131Liquid Light on April 16, 2014 at 5:08 pm

    tonight is the last night I will see Tex before he leaves. He’s taking me to another awesome restaurant and I’m wearing a new dress. It’s very sexy and I feel sexy in it. It’s super tight and just gorgeous. I’m not sure how attracted to him I am, but between the dress, the restaurant and the cocktails, who knows? Also I haven’t been sleeping well so really tired…gaurd is down, who knows what might happen…throwing gasoline on the fire feels like. I haven’t been naughty in a long time…someone said to me today that attraction can grow as you get to know someone…open tot hat but still skeptical a bit…we’ll see…



  132.  #132Kyla on April 16, 2014 at 5:20 pm

    Ninja is coming to stay over tomorrow night for pizza and movies and then he’s bringing me and the kids up North on Friday for an adventure camping wkd 🙂 He says he can’t wait to see me, its been so long since he held me (Tuesday morning lol) and remembering me asleep and content in his arms makes his chest swell.

    Last night he called to arrange our plans and when I was ready to hang up he said I must have slipped him something on our first date as he’s finding it increasingly difficult to be cool when his gut wants to keep moving this relationship forward. I said Mmmm I like slow and I feel so happy and at ease with you, you’re kind of sneaking past my usual defenses and that feels so safe. I feel very trusting and comfortable. Thank you! He said if he can keep me feeling safe his life was worth while, I can set the pace however I wish and he’ll be knowing and ready at each gate.

    I’m a melty puddle of gooey feel good feelings.



  133.  #133Kyla on April 16, 2014 at 5:24 pm

    Liquid Light I wish we could post photos, your outfits always sound beautiful! I feel giddy reading your update on meeting Tex tonight.. sounds like there are sexy little thoughts floating around your pretty head 😉



  134.  #134Mercedes on April 16, 2014 at 5:40 pm

    Finally got caught up with the other posts.

    Tereana: “I don’t know what happened. I honestly don’t feel like I know myself anymore.” This happens to me sometimes? I’m curious (and maybe I should know this so please forgive if we’ve discussed in the past and I forgot)…Do you meditate? I find sometimes that I become much more clear on where I am, what I want and who I am after I’ve meditated on those very questions. I’ve spent time in meditation focused on the question (not the answer…that comes on its own):

    Where am I?
    Who am I?
    What do I want?

    Not sure if that’s something you do or are open to trying but thought I’d put it out there as something that helps ME to get clarification.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  135.  #135Miss Bells on April 16, 2014 at 5:52 pm

    Just wondering what to say/do when the man is beating himself up/talking at length about what he sees as his mistakes/putting himself down.
    He used to get judgey about ME but I won’t allow that anymore.
    Should I just leave the area until he snaps out of it?
    This happens a LOT.



  136.  #136LoveAlways on April 17, 2014 at 4:07 am

    Love this Post!

    “Wow, as you said, ‘Circular Dating’ proved a lot. Like looking at a lot of real estate–I could LIVE THERE but it wasn’t quite right FOR ME.”

    Cool analogy!



  137.  #137Tereana on April 17, 2014 at 4:30 am

    This spoke to me from the post at the top

    “If the guy was pulling back, I made it quite easy for h to do absolutely nothing.”

    Also this:

    “Nature will cyclf back and fill in the gaps every time.”



  138.  #138Tereana on April 17, 2014 at 4:41 am

    Hi Mercedes – thanks for the thoughts. Meditation is nice. I don’t consider it unusual because I’ve shears been exposed to meditation. But I find it to be kind of like brain candy for me. I’ll meditate, and I’ll feel great while doing it, and for a bit after, and yes, I do meditate on these questions and others. I find that it does not lead me to a deeper sense of send knowledge of understanding. What I’m dealing with feels like a deeper traumatic sensation. Either I need bigger guns, or just time. And don’t suggest medication. That is not the right solution for me. Nor is eft – it’s great. But again, it’s a very small tool for me.

    And forgive me if I’m seeming testy. I don’t really like advice. I don’t like people telling me, “you should try this!” When I’ve tried everything in that same book, and then some…and because you can’t possibly know what it feels like to have a mother who negates your experience and existence on a very regular basis, unless you have one.



  139.  #139Tereana on April 17, 2014 at 4:44 am

    [mercedes: see what I wrote in 127 on this thread]



  140.  #140Linda on April 17, 2014 at 4:44 am

    I have been reading along there have been so many good comments. I learn so much every time.

    I feel scattered. My thought life is all over the map. I feel like I am just “going thru the motions of life” I am disconnected emotionally from everything. I dont like it really but at the same time it offers me a feeling of sanity and calmness. Limbo seems to be my address.

    As this is going on, I am have this constant feeling of needing to “make some decision”. To “pick a path” and get on with it. Where this is coming from I am not sure but it is deeply rooted inside me. I know I dont “have” to do anything. However, this voice inside me says. “Look the clock is ticking” and here I resist in my “holding pattern”.

    While this is all going on some of the things I have read on this thread and others have sparked some inspiration. I wonder if I could “flip” and “inspire” what I want in my life totally. Turn what has been painful for unwanted into wanted and healthy.

    My heart is zippered up.. it feels stuffy in there. It is just beating away with it dreams and hopes that wont go away but seem frustatingly unattainable.



  141.  #141Tereana on April 17, 2014 at 4:56 am

    Woke up today feeling very certain that M is gone, not in my life, not in my heart. It’s not a bad feeling. Breaking up with him was not pleasant. But it didn’t feel completely bad either, in terms of purpose. I kind of wish it had been gentler on me. I wish I’d been more calm, and not allowed myself to get so ANGRY at him. But I was always just angry at him, for one thing or another. Who knows why. I just, like I said, I never felt quite right about him. And I liked him. I liked that he loved ME and only me. That felt good. But beyond that, my body was giving me signals. She was telling me how anxious he made her feel. And I could not quite relax around him, no matter what I did. I think of it like a “hair of the dog” solution. His habits and personality made me anxious. I assumed it was because I didn’t see him enough, or because he didn’t kiss me/touch me enough. So I asked for more. More wasn’t the solution. More would only make me feel worse.
    So it feels more honest this way. Even though I lick a man coming toward me, I don’t like him saying “I love you” and then acting like he doesn’t. It feels bad to hear him say (in text) that he feels we are incompatible. But it’s also a relief.

    This is Passover time. So this is when Jewish people get to think a lot about “freedom.” I want to feel freedom WITH someone. He once said he wanted to feel free with me, too. I don’t know if I exactly gave him that freedom, because I was uncomfortable with what he was asking. But also, I did not feel “free” with him, because I felt that he wanted to “own” me. And I do not get owned well. Claimed, sure. But believing that I “belong” to him, and therefore he can do/say whatever he wants, doesn’t fly with me.
    So, I don’t have the relationship anymore. But at least we tried. We gave it a go. And I made a lot of mistakes. But I can do better next time, with a different person…I can keep moving towards that freedom that I want to feel.



  142.  #142Tereana on April 17, 2014 at 4:58 am

    Linda – wow! You just totally articulated a lot of my feelings, and I hadn’t even thought of them that way, necessarily. It feels cool to know I’m not the only one!



  143.  #143Tereana on April 17, 2014 at 5:01 am

    Oh yes, and finally, at the end of the day, I just remember: I am the prize. It is me he is missing from his life, not the other way around. I am the good thing for him. And to me, I felt mistreated and not honored enough to be as part of his life. And so I’m not. That was my choice. And I made the best decision for me…



  144.  #144Mercedes on April 17, 2014 at 6:03 am

    Tereana – I’m sorry….I wasn’t trying to give advice at all. I was just wondering if you meditate because if you did, I wanted to share what works for me when I’m feeling like I don’t remember who I am and see if you were open to it.

    I would never suggest medication or EFT to anyone. Ever.

    And my mother…yeah…nobody knows what that was like for me either.

    Again…sorry for the “advice”…I wasn’t meaning it that way at all. I don’t really suggest anyone “should” do anything (because we’re all so different)…was simply trying to share what feels good to me when I’m feeling lost.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  145.  #145Femininewoman on April 17, 2014 at 6:38 am

    “Funny how that works… you let go of your attachment to the outcome, and something appears… xxx”

    Butterly Wings I have seen Rori express this same statement in different ways. Again it proves, it IS about the energy.



  146.  #146Kyla on April 17, 2014 at 7:02 am

    Getting my new car today I feel so excited and happy. I has amazed at how fast and easy the whole process was on Monday and then like magic, when I gave my detailed spec list the sales guy said “we have that exact car here right now!” right down to the colour and finish I wanted so that means I can take it today instead of wait for one to be ordered in woohoo 🙂
    Ninja took a new job that brings him closer to my area and he’s looking now at renting something within 20 minutes of me instead of over an hour away 🙂
    My company gave me a new phone today just as my old phone was starting to cause me problems. Its the exact model I was looking at last weekend 🙂
    And I’m not getting my big pay check tomorrow as my boss screwed up and told me they will make up the difference in my next pay at the end of the month. I feel bummed about that but thankfully I got more for my trade in than I thought so I’m left with enough money to get me to the end of the month when I get my full pay plus 4 weeks of arrears! 🙂
    Things are really working out nicely and I feel awed and surprised and gleeful with the results.



  147.  #147Mercedes on April 17, 2014 at 7:20 am

    Something I wrote yesterday about healing myself naturally and NOT using medication: http://kahanuyoga.wordpress.com/

    (you’ll notice it is signed by someone else. That’s my “real” name. Although here…and in other areas of my life….I am and probably always will be…Mercedes)

    Kyla: Congratulations on your new car (and all the other blessings you are receiving right now)!!!! Sounds like YOU are having an amazing week (day,month, year)!!! 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  148.  #148Syreena on April 17, 2014 at 7:46 am

    TY Dominique. Feel pleased to hear yours has become much much better. When I am in that place and I have tried to shut off and force myself out it hasn’t worked. It’s like I have to come back up and go through anger again first and then this energies me to take positive action that makes me feel better. Just wish it was a quicker process and I had more control over it. Hopefully it will become so in the future. That is the direction I want as I don’t want to go down the other route which the only outcome I can see is destruction.



  149.  #149Veronica on April 17, 2014 at 7:56 am

    Ha Mercedes I was going to ask you about the detox bath : )

    Thank you for writing that – I love hearing about people taking good care of themselves when they are ill.



  150.  #150Mercedes on April 17, 2014 at 8:00 am

    Thank you Veronica! I am feeling a little better today. I have a voice. It is pretty scratchy but it is here. Yesterday I had almost NO voice and when I did try to talk I would cough like crazy!! But…I AM taking care of myself and I am doing it in ways that feel great to my body and my soul. If nothing else, THAT along feels good to me.

    Happy you enjoyed it and maybe you’ll find it in you to stop by that blog sometimes and read a bit. I enjoy writing very, very much but love it even more when I know I am touching others. 🙂 Thank you for checking it out!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  151.  #151Mercedes on April 17, 2014 at 8:00 am

    *alone*…not along…



  152.  #152Mercedes on April 17, 2014 at 8:28 am

    Miss Bells: I hope someone has some insight into your question and talks about it here. My ex-husband used to do that all the time (still might for all I know). I don’t think I handled it well because nothing changed and because well…he’s my EX husband…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  153.  #153April Rose on April 17, 2014 at 3:29 pm

    Miss Bells,

    I think you just have to let him know that you understand when he’s feeling down, and that you believe in his abilities and know that he will find solutions.
    I think the key is to keep it light and sweet and matter of fact. Don’t labour the point. Don’t hang around him after you’ve said it. Keep your own sweet self busy and happy.



  154.  #154Butterfly Wings on April 17, 2014 at 5:14 pm

    145: Femininewoman – yup, I have had that lesson thrown at me so many times.

    Also, you just never know what’s around the corner. I never expected that my new man would “pounce” when my LDR ended 6 weeks ago, but I’m oh so happy he did – life will never be the same! He’s a keeper! 🙂



  155.  #155Tereana on April 17, 2014 at 7:49 pm

    Wow, I feel super duper amazing! My calm sense of equanimity is back : ) and remember looking up from my model at around 10 or 10:30 am, and observing, “hey, I don’t feel depressed!” Maybe for most people that is nothing special. But for me, it is the equivalent I certain bliss – may, almost like a kind if euphoria. Lol. And then I realized later that that was the exact time frame in which my mother was leaving the state for a vacation. Coincidence?? I wonder….

    Anyway, I feel super duper calm about – what’s his name? Who, now? I hardly know who I’m taking about. That guy. Yeah, the one, who did the things. Yeah, whatever. Lol. He’s not important… ; )

    And I feel good because I might take my coworker up on an offer of a drink. It is in no way romantic, for me, since he is polyamorous, he’s engaged, and he has a girlfriend. I’m not really interested in that. But it’s still a good opportunity to CD.

    And I have a “date” to see S in San Francisco. The thought of it is making me feel all juicy and sparkly already. Maybe that’s why I feel so great ; ) who knows. Anyway, I’m moving on, with no guilt, no regrets. And not missing who’s-he-what’s in the least.



  156.  #156Tereana on April 17, 2014 at 7:50 pm

    I looked up from my work at 10 or 10:30. Not model. Lol



  157.  #157Shannon P. on April 18, 2014 at 3:52 am

    Hi all,

    I am feeling very supported right now. I have found a wonderful program that is helping me get adjusted and back on my feet.

    We will be okay, but it’s going to be ugly in court with him.
    Ugh, my phone is screwing up, sorry for gibberish and bad fattig. Extra words and stuff. We are okay, is the point.

    in court with him.



  158.  #158Shannon P. on April 18, 2014 at 3:53 am

    Bad formatting…

    *sigh*



  159.  #159Tereana on April 18, 2014 at 5:24 am

    Andrea, in 128, what did you mean by “may have”? You were, of you weren’t sure…?

    Mercedes – thanks. I guess I got a little tr*gger-happy on that. I have just heard from so many people, “oh, have you tried meditation?” With the implication that a) I’ve never tried it before (which I have. A LOT. And it’s never really fine anything for me, though I enjoy it), and b) that it is the magic thing that will wonderfully solve all of my problems.

    I just don’t operate this way. I need to accept all of my experience, in it’s depth and range, in order to felt whole. Trying to be “happy” all the time doesn’t cut it. Lol

    That’s why I think I like coming back to this blog. Because it’s about embracing the “soup.” Not looking for an escape route..



  160.  #160Mercedes on April 18, 2014 at 6:06 am

    Tereana – I understand…and I meant no implication at all. Just sharing what I do and what works for me.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  161.  #161Liquid Light on April 18, 2014 at 1:37 pm

    Well the big news is that Tex has invited me to join him on a wonderful 4 day trip to New Orleans. I also found out he is 20 yrs older than me! That’s pretty disappointing on the other hand I really like him, it’s easy w him and there’s just a nice natural connection there. Feels too soon to do a trip away together but the offer is so tempting…all expenses paid and he like to eat well and live well. I’m really torn though part of me wants to jump in n say yes. It sounds so fun n exciting but part of me isn’t sure like maybe it’s a bad idea. He similar to my ex – we used to do fun trips like this but he’s different because he’s kinder than my ex n not so pushy. I could really use some kindness now. 2013 was so hard and dating has been so hard I just want to let my gaurd down and get a little tlc