Happy Mother’s Day

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I’m laying in bed with a cold/flu for company. My husband is out of town, my mother is doing without me today, my card and gift sit on my dining room table, my daughter will see me later with food rescue, and I wonder how I can Circular Date from here!

It brings back memories of my single days. When I used to get sick a lot. Flu. Tired. Yeast. Low-grade fever.

This was my way of saying “no.”

My own mother felt “stronger” than me (I’ll put it that way) when I was a girl, and the only way I knew how to be whoever I was instead of the extension of her I felt I was – the only way to get attention and have an excuse to say no to something – was to feel physically bad.

What an enormous waste of energy that was!

So – what’s your way of saying No?

Do you have to make yourself small and fragile in some way in order to “back away” from something?

Do you have to tell yourself a “story” that makes saying “no” okay?

Do you need to feel bad in order to give yourself  “down time”?

So – let’s mother ourselves today.

Grow yourself up.  Tell yourself how amazing, how beautiful, how powerful, how desirable you are.

Tell yourself about the zillions of options you  have in love and work and play.

Imagine them all, and track your resistance to believing you are “all that” as you imagine yourself in the love you want, in the sex you want, in the friendship you want, in the work you want, in the fun you want.

Imagine it in great, minute, terrific detail – with colors and smells and sounds.

Mother’s Day may be about our mothers, and about ourselves if we have children – but most important – let’s make it about honoring and mothering ourselves in a totally brilliant way.

Let me know how today went for you…

I’m going to mother myself in bed and on the couch.  Reading, sleeping, crying, whining, complaining, moaning, smiling, laughing, listening to music, dancing as best I can…loving the plants outside my window…perhaps stepping outside to breathe the flowers.

And working, too,  through what I need to say “no” too that’s likely helped put me here in less than optimum physical form.

((Now – I’m not saying that our brains and emotions are “why” we’re sick, ever –  but stress and emotions are undeniably such a huge factor in anything that limits us in any way (not  even saying that it’s a “bad” thing to be ill…) – and it’s such interesting detective work to explore ourselves…))

And…writing.  Because that’s such a huge, amazing pleasure for me I can completely forget about what’s holding me back and just soar with my thoughts and feelings and words.

Find what floats your boat today – and do that…and let me know!

Love, Rori

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340 Comments

  1.  #1autumn on May 9, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    happy mother’s day, Rori! Thanks to your mom also to give birth to you!!

    Love,
    Autumn



  2.  #2autumn on May 9, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    I mean to HAVE given birth to you lol…



  3.  #3Bella on May 9, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    Rori, hugs to you and Happy Mother’s Day!
    ohhhhh, I can So relate to this! Before I found you, I never realized how much I worked against myself in so many areas as a result of things that began in my childhood.
    It started when I was 5, I would have terrible nightmares every night, and would wake up and scream for my mother until she would come. I started suffering from depression probably around that same time. Food became my comforter, and I went from a healthy little girl, to an overweight, depressed, and ashamed little girl. I never wanted to go on field trips or any activities, and my mother would get so upset with me, and usually force me to go.
    I felt angry and so alone. . .I still use the I’m too tired, or I don’t feel good excuses, but I’m also pushing myself more to get out, and when I do, I always enjoy myself.
    I’ve often wondered why my mother never came to my rescue. I look back at pictures of myself, and can’t understand why she wouldn’t have helped me with my long, stringy, oily hair, broken out face, my weight, or even introduce me to makeup!
    Now that I’m adult, I realize she did the best that she knew how. I am learning to feel my feelings, and as you say “grow myself up.”
    My weight is normal now, and I am beginning to recognize unhealthy patterns, and becoming more mentally and emotionally healthy each day, Thank God!
    I still struggle with insecurities about how I look though. To say I am a make-up and beauty product junkie is putting it mildly. In so many ways I still see that little girl when I look in the mirror. She was unfairly stereotyped by others as lazy, stupid, ugly and worthless, but she just needed someone to help her.
    I’m sure that plays a major role in my fear of intimacy. The nasty voices are always trying to take control, but I’m learning to deal with them too.
    I don’t have children, but I do have a precious pet, and so I celebrated Mother’s Day with him 🙂 I started my morning out with a glorious Yoga session, then I gave myself a facial, and had a wonderful aromatherapy shower. I made a delicious and healthy lunch, sat outside in the sunshine admiring my flowers, and now I will take Rori’s advice:
    “Tell yourself how amazing, how beautiful, how powerful, how desirable you are.

    Tell yourself about the zillions of options you have in love and work and play.

    Imagine them all, and track your resistance to believing you are “all that” as you imagine yourself in the love you want, in the sex you want, in the friendship you want, in the work you want, in the fun you want.”

    Imagine it in great, minute, terrific detail – with colors and smells and sounds.
    I feel very relaxed and peaceful.



  4.  #4Velvetine on May 9, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    Hi Girls, well it is not mothers day in England but I still feel like doing a bit of mothering of myself.

    I feel surprised today. I broke up from my last long term relationship 2 years ago and since then I found Rori and my whole mindset has started to change and I was desperate to get out of my desperation and despair and the feelings of dangling I thought were love.

    But today things sorta ended with someone I was starting to like. We were only dating for 4 months and I was still open to circular dating but didn’t have many dates with others during that time. I felt so cool and empowered and relaxed at first. I then started getting anxious…does he like me? Then he didn’t get in contact for 5 days and I felt sick. I thought those desperate days were gone. Now it seems like the pain of all the other break ups have piled up on this little break up and my body can’t cope.

    From someone who felt so happy and carefree I feel not good enough and like there is something wrong with me…why do they all go away, helpless, sick, tearful. All those icky feelings I thought I had done away with or accepted have now come back in full force.

    So I am surprised they are still lurking when a man rejects me.

    How can I experience these emotions without dwelling? I accept them as best I can but they are overwhelming and I’m not sure where it stems from, why I need the reassurance of a man’s acceptance.



  5.  #5Daria on May 9, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    Velvetine – Hug yourself, do NICE stuff for yourself, self – date.

    ALSO: FOR ME Attention from anohter man helps shift this so much!

    just yesterday I felt so sad as well ina similar situaion and was crying a lot, until at night i had a great convo with another man, and wound up feeling attracted to him

    now i feel sooo much better

    the icky feeling last much less nowadays than before!



  6.  #6Velvetine on May 9, 2010 at 2:52 pm

    Thanks Daria,

    I am hugging my cat. She makes me very happy.

    I think I was completely stunned these feelings were still here. And terrified I had gone backwards again. But yeah,, I hope they don’t last as long.

    I was definitely experiencing them differently and observing them and soothing them. But it was so strange to realise I hadn’t felt them. Maybe it was good to feel reminded of that part of me.

    Sigh, well I have a date next week. It’s just I only usually feel attracted to about one man a year. I am trying to work on that too!
    xx



  7.  #7Daria on May 9, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    Velvetine – the amount of men I feel attracted to has gone up as well (used to be about one man a year for me too!!) now its more like one man a WEEK!!

    yea!!!



  8.  #8Sherry on May 9, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    Daria – how did you do that? Become attracted to more men? I have been on POF for about 2 1/2 months now. I looked it up earlier and over 300 different men have emailed me – which is why I get overwhelmed! I am on over 100 men’s favorite’s list. It really is ridiculous. And guess how many men I have actually met from there? Three! The first 2 were horrible, and the last one was just a meet. No real date. It went OK and I think he actually may have potential, but I met him on Wed and haven’t heard from him since Fri so who knows.

    I do try to pick a few at a time and talk to them, practice with them, but most of them are so pushy.. or maybe I am just too closed off? Ugh!



  9.  #9Sherry on May 9, 2010 at 4:01 pm

    Rori – I tried the tool you suggested and the one Daria suggested. I honestly thought I was going to have a panic attack lol. All this shit started flooding me and I had to just stop. I’ve tried a few times and its always the same.. Have you ever had anyone who was so far gone that your tools didn’t work?



  10.  #10Rori Raye on May 9, 2010 at 4:11 pm

    Sherry – I know it sounds awful – but the reaction you’re having means you’re doing it RIGHT!!! All it takes is practice. Remember – YOU’RE in control of your practice. You can move at the speed of light or slowly – doesn’t matter – just keep practicing on men and don’t give up…You’ll see…you’ll start to feel differently the more you do it and take chances. It’s the Circular Dating attitude that keeps you going – that it’s Free Therapy – not “dating.” –Love, Rori



  11.  #11Daria on May 9, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    Sherry – no on the so far gone, the tools work for everyone. Great job trying the tool (what was it?) … CELEBRATE your babysteps.

    Sherry the quality of men has gone up as I circular date.

    On dates I practice the tools, including leaning back, feeling messages, and focusing how I feel. I usually feel great and recharged.

    I pay no attention to how many men I meet or how many I’m dating, or what they’re doing etc. It’s a river of men.

    I practice the tools.

    More recently, I’ve been getting men I’m attracted to! yay! This is what Rori says will happen.

    Even when I was meeting men I wasn’t attracted to 100%, I felt good to be able to practice tools, such as receiving (of a nice dinner, date, etc).



  12.  #12Rori Raye on May 9, 2010 at 4:14 pm

    Sarah – Welcome – and your anger is getting you nowhere. First – YES – men are as screwed up as we – and YES – they pay GOOD MONEY to male coaches on line to get SELF-ESTEEM!! AND to get themselves in meaningful relationships. Ask Erika Awakening. All the “Pick Up Artist” coaches are now working on the “inner game” of confidence – and are not talking about one-night stands – but about being a better man that a quality woman would want. My guess is – you’re not attracted to the nice guys. You’re actually LOOKING for the rotten apples – and so that’s what you find. Truly – there is a different way than the path you’re on – please read everything here, and we’ll all help you investigate some new ideas and attitudes. Love, Rori



  13.  #13Apple Jacks on May 9, 2010 at 4:17 pm

    Geez Sarah, someone sure did a number on you.



  14.  #14dorothea on May 9, 2010 at 4:26 pm

    Happy Mother’s Day, Rori.

    Thank you for not only offering your special brand of advice but for sharing it openly with all of us without making it a sales pitch. I really appreciate this and admire you for being someone who wants to help others just for the sake of helping others with your gifts in life no less than how much they want to financially profit from their gifts in life.



  15.  #15Sherry on May 9, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    It’s not the getting dates i have a problem with, or even attracting good men. It’s getting a second or third date! I know I am so closed that I come off wrong. I can laugh and flirt, but there is a huge wall that is obvious to any one. The one guy I met last week that surprised me in my reaction to him didn’t even think I was interested after we met.. and I was! I told him this on fri – in a feeling message (yay me!) but I haven’t heard from him since. It was funny but he used feeling messages a couple of times and I was aware of it!

    The tool was the one Daria suggested a few posts back about just starting with the basic feelings and getting in the rori ray dance position, etc. It is hard, and it scares me.. I am so sick of being afraid!!



  16.  #16Apple Jacks on May 9, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    Happy Mother’s Day, Rori. Feel better soon.



  17.  #17dorothea on May 9, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    sarah – GET FUCKING PISSED
    fuck yeah

    go into your fucking angry feeling
    get out of your head with your thoughts and judgements

    LET IT OUT. what do you feel? drop to your knees so to speak and FEEL it. no one will see u surrendering to your feelings in private so just go for it. you have a great way with words to rant about how you’re pissed and really lay the verbal smackdown on what’s bothering you. but go into your feeling. get real basic with it. all those judgment-style words you use just put you in second place importance because they have nothing to do with how you actually feel. and you’re the important thing here.

    this is now officially all about how you feel angry or not good about all this crap with men, and not at all about all this crap with men itself.

    and fuck ’em.

    ps if you need help with feeling messages and your own feelings we can all help you for sure.



  18.  #18Daria on May 9, 2010 at 5:21 pm

    Happy Mother’s Day to Rori!!

    We love your aloneness and sickness!!! k!!



  19.  #19Wonderful Lady on May 9, 2010 at 10:15 pm

    Happy Mothers Day Rori!!
    I feel very strong and wonderful and you have helped that so much. Thank you.
    CD’ing this weekend one guy IM chat totally awful needy, doormat, giant turn off – could tell from the IM chat he was just going to be a soul sucker. The second I met for coffee 1 hour. He was nice – maybe not my type – but I would have gone on another date with him to get to know him a little more. Seemed a bit needy and low self esteem. He IM chat me today – all drama from “not being able to stop thinking about me” to “you can teach me how to dance and I will come cheer at your softball games” to “you don’t like me.” I am thinking, no dude – that is my stuff I do for me! Go get your own stuff” how would i even know after a 1 hour coffee date that i would WANT to teach you to dance or bring you to my game or that i LIKE you….the chat ended badly needless to say. BUT now comes the lesson right??? TOTALLY…Do I seem that needy to my #1 man? OMG – what a slap! OF COURSE I DO!!!! i am ALWAYS thinking about him. I ALWAYS want to be where he is – doing what he is doing. *FACE PALM* Lesson learned…THAT IS JUST GROSS.



  20.  #20Daria on May 9, 2010 at 10:29 pm

    Wow Wonderful Lady –

    great job using the men as mirrors! This is exactly how CD is used!

    And no more Face slap (though it may feel like a shock for sure) ..

    instead AHA and Celebrating and Thanking self for noticing and then some Painting self with love!



  21.  #21Daria on May 9, 2010 at 10:33 pm

    Today I started to do some EFT on why I haven’t yet healed from my “heavy pee” condition, and I practiced relaxing into it…

    all of a sudden after about 10 15 min of tapping on not knowing what it is blocking me, then disappointement and sadness, then fear

    From the fear i got this sudden image of my Aunt feeling panicked when she found her father (my grandfather dead young from heart arrest).

    And i tapped on this and cried and kept tapping for her and my dad.

    WOW !! I didn’t know that this had affected me so proufoundly!! But yes it definitely made me feel more panicked and like I could die young and that life is unforgiving. and mechanical.

    (note: tap more on life is unforgiving, i like that phrasing )

    And i cried and then I felt better but still afraid now to start it again because it felt so intense

    So i imagined the whole scene going into a lil blue box along with what needs to heal and then i tapped on the blue box and everything inside it and that i choose to heal it now.

    And i feel much peace right now and joy… I feel happy… and proud of myself and calm.



  22.  #22Tina on May 9, 2010 at 11:22 pm

    I didn’t do anything to float my boat today, I heard knocking on my door and didn’t answer, I said fck it! I’m not getting up. My daughter called and left a message “Happy Mothers Day, I’ll call you later” she didnt but thats ok, I wasnt feeling all mothery today anyway. I didnt get the job , the “woman beater” got it. I did do all the tools though to help me through my feelings leading up to and feeling rejected 🙂 .

    I feel angry grrrrrrrrr at “woman beater” how did woman beater get the job? wtf! I’m pissed, I feel like knocking out woman beater man. That’s violent so I wont, but yeah I have this image of drop kicking him grrrrrrrr.



  23.  #23mary on May 9, 2010 at 11:24 pm

    Yes, Rori, Siren Mother!

    Happy Mother’s Day.



  24.  #24Tina on May 9, 2010 at 11:27 pm

    I got into an “argument” kinda on the phone with truckman. I was counting pennies for a coffee run and I said something about I dont want to be with a jobless, broke man, oops! he said he was offended, I said , i dont know why you would be offended , as a matter of fact I coould care less if he was offended, it’s like me saying I wont tolerate physical abuse, so what? get over it, we went back and forth blah blah blah. he said ok we’ll disagree, I said yeah whatever, I have standards so get over it grrrrrrrr. anyway, he left a message like “hey, baby, how are you today, I love you blah blah blah. ugh!



  25.  #25Tina on May 9, 2010 at 11:30 pm

    Two messages, I’m going to see him on tuesday and he wants to talk about the “log home” ugh! I’m really beginning to like my space more and more. I feel suffocated. I feel like I am giving up something grrrrrrr, I dont want to give up anything, plus I want to go to the “spring fling” 🙂



  26.  #26Tina on May 9, 2010 at 11:33 pm

    I”m just in a really foul, shitty feeling mood lately. I started drinking coffee again , damnit. For the last week, I started drinking regular coffee so yeah. I have mint tea brewing just now, I’m going to clean my room, maybe I dunno.



  27.  #27Tina on May 9, 2010 at 11:47 pm

    My ‘to do” list says – clean room. oh check this out, this is funny , well i thought it was. I thought I had a ‘yeast situation” so i went to the clinic, I realized after I got to my doctors office, that I wore dirty underwear hehe. he said , there isnt a nurse on duty so I cant do an exam, I said, just do it, im not leaving until, I find out if I have something going on down there, he said , ok . I”ll leave, finish my coffee and I’ll be right back, i said ,fine, i took off my undies and oops dang, I grabbed the wrong ones. Thats why i have to clean up my room, “Im shedding my clothes like a snake hehe. anyway, turns out i might not have a ‘situation” so he gave me some cream just in case 🙂



  28.  #28Tina on May 9, 2010 at 11:58 pm

    I cant stand being with myself right now. I’m so mad and I feel annoyed at the possibility of living with truckman grrr. I get in these ‘moods” i coould care less, if he loves me, wants me, wants to fck me , fck it I dont care. I want space, I need lots of space, I would probibly throw a plate at him right now or something like that. go away, far far away, just leave my breathing space damnit!

    I met this older lady, she feels like a mom type, she smokes pot , she says because of her health , I just think she likes to get stoned lol, anyway, she gave me a few seeds to grow for her, I said sure, I garden so i can grow it. I told her it would be fun to grow it, just one plant but yeah, she was really appreciative of me helping her out lol, she’ funny as hell.



  29.  #29Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:24 am

    Tina – lol! I feel amused at the story I see developing, Tina smoking pot, feeling relaxed and smily hehe



  30.  #30Daria on May 10, 2010 at 1:09 am

    im feeling good getting ready for bed

    wanna write fun stuff
    for a few minutes

    i can give few of them to me

    guess what i have and used today

    ben wa balls

    i don’t know if they work”ed” i thin kthey did

    i had a hard time getitng them out at first

    my nani gets upset with me if i try to do stuff without warning

    i feel good

    i cooked and made barley water

    i can cook! random stuff

    and so did my mom

    garbo garbanzo i don’t like the perservatives

    in hummus

    like drummers

    i like that

    i like the boom boom boom

    on the lower part of my spine

    reminds me of boom boom boom

    in the back spot of my nani

    love

    to hear

    the new man say

    that he will go down on me for the first time in his life

    haha

    i am the undine

    in his undies

    lol

    i fele silly

    just the right amount

    like salt

    blakc and pink

    hawaiian and the himalayas

    unite

    crystal salts

    sprinkling

    ouch tummy
    time for my red?

    time for my red this time

    sorry about last time

    i would like to be forgiven

    and i forgive myself

    for scaring me so bad

    good job me

    now maybe
    some baths

    would be good?

    baths?

    too tired

    no go

    no go anywhere dair

    haha

    daria mgiht lose her license in 2 weeks but she no go nowhere

    bored bored bored?

    fun fun fun

    with lsat logic

    i need not leave my room

    they call me on the phone

    and give me attention

    and drama

    sad tears

    i love them fast now

    my heart breaks and aches like chicken gizzards in soup

    my favorite

    theres nothing more healing than a lil heartache

    on the road to ever after

    and i promise

    taht i am going for the feel good

    yah!

    they will leave and show up

    with what i asked for

    or else they will flounder

    and eventually

    they will leave and show up

    with what i asked for

    oh men

    so strong

    i love your hard flat chests

    to lay my head on

    you are the mounatin

    i am the fairy wind

    i swirl and curl up

    next to ur big bulky ness

    haha

    dont think i cannot red and roast you

    with lava

    or drown u

    in there

    hehe

    silly strong man

    i dont want to hurt u

    just checking

    just testing u

    u know

    sometimes i feel unsure of myself

    so i test u

    it feels good when u dont fail

    and when you fail

    it feels scary as hell

    the crushing mountain, my lava, the eruptions

    then it all gets right again

    right?

    i feel sleepy big man guy

    im gonna go lay down when i finish

    flowing out

    flow flow flow

    mmmmmmmm

    i am so beautiful

    like flowers and snakes and glisten



  31.  #31Linda on May 10, 2010 at 5:07 am

    I feel frozen.

    I feel frustrated

    I feel cut and run.

    I feel pesimistic

    I feel inpatient.

    I feel tired.

    I feel yelling and lashing out and anger.

    I feel giving up

    I claim these feelings and know I am the only one who can fix the things that caused this.

    sigh



  32.  #32Tallgirl10 on May 10, 2010 at 6:45 am

    feeling anxious, excited, minorly disappointed and nervous.

    The guy from Friday night texted me on Sat to joke that we should have gone to certain pop-star show on friday instead of our date. This lead to a short burst of flirty interaction, and then I cut it off because I was leaving and telling him to have a fun night. I know I was witty and fun, which is all I can do, and I was pleased to cut it off in a nice and fun way.

    Last week he called me on Sunday to ask me out for the week. He did not call last night (but we only saw each other on friday, and last week we had not seen each other since we reconnected a week and a half prior.

    Anyhow, am feeling like I would really like him to call.

    But, I know all I can do is be receptive and responsive, which I have done very well.

    Thoughts, ladies????



  33.  #33Turtle Girl on May 10, 2010 at 8:41 am

    This sounds like a feeling thread. Mother’s Day can really bring up all kinds of feelings. My daughter called me and then she got pissy, and I just could not deal with it and she hung up on me. *sigh*

    I am tired of other people’s shit.
    I am bored with her drama.
    I am sick of her judgment.
    I am not not wanting to talk to her.
    I am hurt at her passive aggressive attitude.
    I am feeling like ripping her head off.
    I am feeling like slapping her and telling her to fucking grow up and stop being a spoiled brat daughter who wants everything her way.

    Ugh. Eff off daughter. I hate you when you are like this. I want to scream and cry. I love my hateful feelings.



  34.  #34Lisa on May 10, 2010 at 8:44 am

    Happy mothers day Rori. Hope you feel better soon.

    I feel blessed to be here at home with my mum who I only see about once a year but I had to come back as she has cancer and has been unwell and we are trying some natural therapies now. I am reminded by your post of the need to Mother myself and that I need looking after through this process too. I feel sad and I feel grateful I feel blessed to have a mother like this and I feel angry that she could be taken from me before I have the chance to marry and have babies – i am 34 for goodness sake. It feels unfair and it feels wonderful to care so much about such a wonderful person in my life.

    i feel a lot of love from the main guy in my life – he told me he loves me – I don;t know that he is the one – i keep pushing him away telling him I don;t know that I feel the same way yet or if i will at all and that feels so unfair too – I finally get the love and care and support and attention I want and need from a man and he’s not good enough for me!!! what’s wrong with that!!!??? He says he loves me – I am honest with my feelings and powerful , a goddess in his eyes. waahhhhhhhhhhh this stuff really works !!! now what?? ha I want to be married – could be in just a few short months if i give into this – give my mum what she wants and needs right now – to know that I am happy and married and maybe have children on the way – oh cruel fate what is this? ??? should I just give in to this and hope that it is enough or keep going back to the not so Mr nice guys???

    I love my mum, just grateful I can be with her and still talk to her about this stuff despite her illness. Life is a wondrous journey!



  35.  #35Maria on May 10, 2010 at 8:55 am

    l have a request. l quess we all need positive stories, please please please. Stories like – the love of my life married me:)



  36.  #36tinque on May 10, 2010 at 9:14 am

    Maria – This request was made recently. A small piece of my story was written as a post here I believe it was last year.
    I am with a man who is beyond what I dreamed of, and after eight years together, we continue to “get better”.
    I will try to find the post for you later. Mary may remember where it is.
    xxoo



  37.  #37tinque on May 10, 2010 at 9:24 am

    Here it is:
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/she-got-the-ring/
    My story is far more expansive and more beautiful and heart filling than what can be expressed in these few words, but it still gives you something pretty to think about and know that anything is possible.
    If I can come from the damaged, tiny place I did to where I’ve blossomed now and with the amazing man I attracted, then anyone can.
    xxoo



  38.  #38dorothea on May 10, 2010 at 9:24 am

    Maria, your request is great. I have so much positive stuff to share, but I feel blocked on sharing it. I don’t know why. I feel like I can’t do the stories justice.

    Basically the stories all go like this: I used Rori’s tools and got exactly what I wanted without ever having to ask for it.

    Maybe I just don’t have the emotional attention span to post complete narratives anymore. Sorry girl.



  39.  #39Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 9:33 am

    One reason I don’t get things done is I tend to put everyone else’s do list for me above my own do list. I often spend my weekends running around taking care of my friends and family.

    On Mother’s Day, after I spent the morning with my Mom, I went home and “took care of me” by doing 3 hours of houswork and furniture rearranging, in order to make space for my stationary bike and ab lounge, so I can do a better job of exercising.

    Then, since I was all tired out, instead of taking care of anyone else, I colored my hair, took a shower, and curled up in bed with my two German Shepherds to watch a sweet romance movie, “Sabrina”. I feel good when I nurture myself.



  40.  #40Rori Raye on May 10, 2010 at 9:34 am

    Turtle Girl – Thank you so much for sharing – I have a client who I think might be able to help you – she pretty much undid and redid her relationship with herself and with men by working with her CHILDREN first…ALL pissy relationships, all now lovey-dovey – and she lost her “drama” and became a goddess practicing with the kids! I’ll ask her to write something about it… With daughters it’s ESPECIALLY tricky, because you have to switch hats all the time. You have to MODEL feminine behavior for her with Feeling Messages, and you have to FACILITATE feminine behavior in her by being the boy for her – to give her a space to let go emotionally. From my own experience – STROKING as a way of life “(you’re great, how sad, how fantastic, I so admire you…”) and NEVER giving advice unless asked, and even then…are a great start to bliss with a daughter, no matter where you’re starting from. Love, Rori



  41.  #41Siena on May 10, 2010 at 9:37 am

    Dorothea, I understand where you’re coming from! When I feel that way, it’s fatigue. Love to you!

    So here’s the latest, I need help:

    Last night, my new CD guy sent me an email letting me know that he was getting off the online dating site where we met because “Lot’s of reasons why but need a little more simplicity in my life in a few areas..”

    We already have plans to see eachother again, and so I’m not worried about that part of it.

    BUT! His quote is a HUGE red flag to me. Knowing where he comes from (divorce, drug-addicted adult step kids), and what he’s told me before, “I don’t need any more drama in my life” I hear a man who is really just looking for fun.

    Here’s my thing: he’s just a CD. I like having ‘fun’ too. But I also have a history of being the nice girl who NEVER presents any drama, and it’s been a big reason my “relationships” have ended over and over again.

    So I feel excited, because this is an opportunity for me to end a pattern that hasn’t served me in the past.

    But I feel frozen, like a deer in headlights.

    Do I ignore his email? He didn’t ask for a response or anything, he was just offering information. It was a memo, not a conversation.

    Do I tell him (using feeling messages) that I sense a red flag? I already told him this once in regards to something he said about “no drama” earlier. He clarified in a way that made me feel better.

    Do I just wait and see what unfolds?

    I feel frozen because I don’t want to mess up this opportunity to learn this lesson. And I like this guy, but (again), he’s just a CD, so I feel good practicing on him.

    What do you think?



  42.  #42dorothea on May 10, 2010 at 9:43 am

    ok…so…i could be way off base here, siena, but i think you’re worrying about nothing. lol. just be with your feelings and explore them. i’m not sure you have to tell him u feel scared of possible red flags. just see how u feel with him on dates.

    what does everyone else think?



  43.  #43lynn on May 10, 2010 at 9:43 am

    Hi Rori and all the other Ladies as well,

    I’m new here and I’ve just purchased the Renew your Relationship CD series and am on # 4 but I just may be the exception to the rule here. I have been married for 17 years to a good man but I am afraid the magic and spark is just too far gone between us. We are 38 years old and have grown up together. He is my best friend but I don’t know if I am in love with him still. I feel small, unimportant and forgotten from him…and have for a while. I have told him and he reacts like it hurts him but then he is wonderful for a couple days and boom life happens again and here we are again. Its a viscious cycle and I don’t have the strength to keep going thru it. Example my mothers day gift….nothing. We have two girls 16 and 12…D R A M A …24/7 He gave my 16 year old $12.00 Saturday evening and said “go get your mom some cards from you two and me” …her being a girl …told me and said is there something else like ( my favorite) flowers that you want instead. I told her to just forget it. He broke my heart. Help please!



  44.  #44Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 9:50 am

    Daria, RE: #32 – This reads like a beautiful poem! I love your writing!



  45.  #45dorothea on May 10, 2010 at 9:58 am

    lynn, hugs to you!!! going for a walk and sending love your way with each step. just for you. <3 happy late mothers day



  46.  #46Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 10:09 am

    Siena, Hi! Of course I only know what you wrote above, but based on that, if it were me, I’d feel honored that he felt comfortable to confide in me that far. I feel if someone communicates, it is worthy of a response if I desire, whether or not he said, “Please write back” or asked you any questions. He is simply sharing his heart. Sounds like he needs a little encouragement. I would just send him something uplifting. No expectations, no drama. I don’t feel a red flag from what he said. I feel connectedness there. If he didn’t feel connected to you, would he have shared that? Time will tell if HE has too much drama. If so, you know how to distance yourself. I see a lot of potential there, at least that’s the flavor I get. He WANTS a woman in his life. He just wants it to feel good. As Sirens, we feel good to men!

    Here’s a joke you could possibly share with him, if it isn’t too much at this stage…

    Man’s Best Friend

    Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him “Rover” or “Spot”. I call mine Sex.

    Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog’s license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, “I would like to have one too!” Then I said, “But she is a dog!” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. I said, “You don’t understand. … I have had Sex since I was nine years old.” He replied, “You must have been quite a strong boy.” When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, “But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.” He said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

    When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, “You don’t understand. … Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Me too!”

    One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. “You don’t understand,” I said, “I hoped to have Sex on TV.” He called me a show off.

    When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married.” The Judge said, “Me too!”

    Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning. I said, “I’m looking for Sex.” — My case comes up next Thursday.

    Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, “What seems to be the trouble?” I replied, “Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn’t live any longer so lonely.” and the doctor said, “Look mister, you should understand that sex isn’t a man’s best friend… so get yourself a dog.”

    LOL! 🙂



  47.  #47Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 10:23 am

    Hi Lynn, Welcome to Siren Island! This is a place of support, encouragement, information, and acceptance!

    Let me tell you a story I heard, and I hope it will be of some help in your situation…

    A woman went to a psychologist and said, “I hate my husband! I want to leave him! He never does anything nice for me! I want a divorce!

    He answered, “Okay, so you want a divorce. You know how you could REALLY hurt him??”

    She perked up and asked enthusiastically, “HOW?!?”

    “Hold off leaving him for 30 more days. During that time, lay on the charm! Put fresh flowers on the table; have a home-cooked dinner ready every night when he gets home; set up a bubble bath with candlelight after dinner; rub his feet…just do everything you can think of to make him happy and feel good….and THEN leave him!”

    She said, “YEAH! That would teach him! That’s exactly what I’m going to do!”

    A month later she reported back to her psychologist. As she sat down, he asked, “Well, how’d it go? Did you leave him?”

    She answered, “What?! Are you crazy?? Why would I want to leave the most wonderful man on earth?!”

    I love this story! I know it doesn’t work this way for everyone, and I know long-term relationships are a lot more complicated than that. I feel your pain. And, yes, he was really callous to hand your daughter a little money to get the obligatory mother’s day card.

    I have been hurt, too, at the deepest level. I have found that it really is true that what you put out tends to come back to you. And that people often respond in the same way when you give them kindness, even when it’s undeserved kindness.

    Here’s a personal example…my exhusband has been in prison since I’ve known him. We often have communication gaps since letters take several days to get from here to there. One Saturday a few years ago, I went to visit him, a three hour trip, and I carried three of his letters with me, unopened. I had simply been too busy to read them after I received them the night before.

    We had a wonderful visit, and I left with a deeper relationship than ever. On my way home, I stopped and read his letters. Instead of love letters, I found 3 extremely nasty, hurtful letters! Naturally, my first thought was, “Oooh, you jerk! You don’t deserve all the sweet things I said to you during our time together!” Then I reflected, “Hey, wait! He doesn’t know I didn’t read these letters yet! He thought I just gave him unconditional love! And I did, unknowingly! And look at the result! We are closer than ever, and the disagreements just melted away!”

    That day I learned a deep lesson in the power of unconditional love!

    One more thought…Rori would suggest to totally change your vibe, and recreate yourself! Reorder your routine…rearrange your house…clear away clutter and only leave out decorations and things that contribute to romance…that sort of thing.

    I wish you the best in your marriage!



  48.  #48mary on May 10, 2010 at 10:25 am

    Rori,

    #42

    Yes!



  49.  #49Goodheart on May 10, 2010 at 10:26 am

    Siena, let go of the oars. Go with the flow. If you keep looking at every man as a “potential anything” it takes all the fun out of looking. Just relax. Look at every single date as fun. And, I guarantee you, the right man will show up. Stop thinking. Just have fun. Your feelings will guide you. Deep breath. Life is fun. I’m going to look up something I read & it spoke volumes to me. I’ll be back in a minute with it.

    Love ya!



  50.  #50Siena on May 10, 2010 at 10:27 am

    Bren, LOL about your joke. It might be a little much for now, but I’ll definitely keep it for later!

    And Dorothea too, thank you!

    I guess he was confiding in me, and he sent me the email to basically tell me not to worry that he was getting off the site, that he still wanted to see me, etc. I will write back to him and say something encouraging, thanks for the idea!

    I guess I just feel a little skittish and still feel hyper alert to look for any red flags. It’s a trust thing, I guess. I have to learn to trust myself better so that I will be able to handle anything.

    Actually, I’m still here – so I HAVE been able to handle everything so far.

    Thank you self, I love you! Thank you Sirens, I love you!



  51.  #51Goodheart on May 10, 2010 at 10:31 am

    Siena, here it is. You & I are so much alike & this was like a huge a-ha for me & I feel so much relief reading it:

    “If you could establish a less serious, more playful approach to your relationships – not trying to make each of them ‘the one I am looking for’ but instead saying, ‘this is someone with whom I am enjoying a conversation” Or “this is someone I am enjoying a meal with” – then you wouldn’t use this moment in time to defy your own desires & intentions. And the universe would more easily & quickly provide the rendezvous you are looking for.”



  52.  #52Siena on May 10, 2010 at 10:32 am

    Goodheart, thank you! My thing is that I’m afraid to miss the signs and messages, so I’m being hyper-vigilant. I’ve dated the same men over and over again (not literally, figuratively) because I missed the lesson the first time. So I’m trying not to do that.

    But it’s making me a skittish foal! Okay, relaxing… I can handle anything… Deep breath… tra la la! 😀



  53.  #53Siena on May 10, 2010 at 10:34 am

    oh gosh, love it Goodheart! Thank you! I’m writing that on a post-it note for my computer. I’m running out of room because of the post-it notes. 😀



  54.  #54Goodheart on May 10, 2010 at 10:40 am

    Siena, I know what you mean. I was hurt so badly & was the “skittish foal.” I would scurry under a bush like a woodland critter at the first sign of non-perfection. It served me not at all. Truly, now (& really just very recently) I am just seeking fun & joy and I’m finding it. I don’t worry because I know that I am getting exactly what I put out there. And people are noticing – they say I look different. That I’m glowing like I’m in love with myself!

    I am!



  55.  #55Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 10:46 am

    Goodheart, they are all beautiful words, and especiallly, “I’m glowing like I’m in love with myself! I am!” Yes, yes, yes! That is the feminine beauty that men sense when we are “in our girl”, and when we are practicing healthy self-talk, self-nurturing, etc. I am feeling much more organic about working Rori’s tools. It really is all about me, in the most healthy sense (ie, not in a self-centered sense). When I am centered and taking care of me, men are attracted to me. It really is starting to all fit together for me, now that I am requiring myself to quit focusing on Ryan. Staying on my bridge.



  56.  #56Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 10:47 am

    Glad you liked the joke! Here’s another one that’s a little more naughty!

    Dear Management,
    I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

    I do physical labor
    I work at great depths
    I plunge head first into everything I do
    I do not get weekends off or public holidays
    I work in a damp environment
    I don’t get paid overtime
    I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
    I work in high temperatures
    My work exposes me to contagious diseases

    Sincerely,
    Penis

    Dear Penis,

    After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

    You do not work 8 hours straight
    You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
    You do not always follow the orders of the management team
    You do not stay in your allocated position and often visit other areas
    You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to startworking
    You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
    You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
    You’re unable to work double shifts
    You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day’s work
    And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

    Sincerely,
    Management



  57.  #57Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 10:48 am

    Sarah, Welcome! Here is yet another quote, just for you…

    Forgiveness Is the
    Fragrance that a
    Violet Sheds
    On the Heel
    that has Crushed it.

    ~ Mark Twain



  58.  #58Goodheart on May 10, 2010 at 10:54 am

    Brenda, I never really “got it” before. The spirit of who we really are is perfect in every sense so why would see ourselves as less than perfect?

    And why would anyone else? 🙂

    Yesterday I was feeling so good, I looked over at my big, lazy dog (who was busy doing nothing) & I said, “I’m totally in love with you!” And he pulled himself away from the fan to cuddle next to me. Then I went to my mom’s house & her stray cat (that I attracted) usually comes over & meows for food. I put food in his dish & he ignored it. Instead he sat against me so I could pet him. He didn’t want to leave (he usually likes to just hang by himself). And his eyes were so soft & loving.

    Total animal magnetism!



  59.  #59Goodheart on May 10, 2010 at 10:56 am

    Brenda, I love the Management letter!



  60.  #60Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 11:11 am

    Goodheart, that’s cool what you said about animal magnetism! I experience the same thing! Once I was walking thru a shelter (it is so sad and painful for me to do that) looking for my lost dog. Most of the dogs came to the front of their kennels and got relatively quiet, tuning in to me! The kennel worker commented that I was having an effect on them! I said, “That’s cuz they can sense I care about them!” I was connecting with them internally as I looked into their eyes.

    My two German Shepherds lick me often, and my last man commented on it. I said, “Yeah, they like to lick!” He said, “No, they love you! That’s how they are telling you they love you!” I believe it’s true!

    I also have an 8 month old kitten who I rescued at 3 weeks old when his mother died. I bottle fed him for a couple weeks until he was viable. When I fed him, I held him on my chest while I either sat or laid on the bed. Now every night, I wake up to find him laying on my chest, cuddled against my neck and cheek, purring his head off! I’m momma to him!



  61.  #61Daria on May 10, 2010 at 11:11 am

    Ack! I WOULD NOT write him back something encouraging !!! or a joke (Rori particularly says not to send him stuff “because he would find it funny, etc”)

    This is a good chance to : lean back and do nothing

    or…

    share my DEEP feelings… open my heart…

    and say them… perhaps…

    I feel concerned… I am looking for marriage and relationship… and i dont know why but reading this I feel worried… What do you think?



  62.  #62Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 11:16 am

    Daria, You feel worried reading what? My suggestion to send him something encouraging or what you wrote about looking for marriage and relationship?

    It wouldn’t hurt to write nothing. But the way I think is what would I myself like if I sent an email about my thoughts and feelings? It wouldn’t feel good to me to be ignored. I think sometimes a man simply wants a friend. Like for example, recently Bill told me he is worried about his father, because he just had surgery for possible colon cancer. I think that’s an appropriate time to simply be a caring friend.



  63.  #63mary on May 10, 2010 at 11:16 am

    hello Lynn and welcome!

    i’m older than you. i’ve seen things in my generation, and i’ve watched my mom’s friends.

    you’re in a really difficult time of life, especially if your girls don’t get along with each other (you mentioned drama.) i’ve seen couples who give up during this time, and they never know what might have happened down the road had they stayed together. it does tear everyone up. lives are never the same. divorce is an option, but wow. it destroys.

    what i wanted to tell you about is the mellowing effect. when couples get to a point of apathy (you’re there?) and continue to press on, and lives become easier (kids get older and there is more time for you!) other things can give you that spark again. new work. hobbies. travel. different friends and associations. then it might be possible that you and your husband can look at each other with renewed eyes and accept each other, the things you hate along with everything else, and you have your kids in common, the history of your lives together! and somehow, somewhere along the line, you fall in love again.

    i’ve seen it so many times…



  64.  #64Daria on May 10, 2010 at 11:29 am

    Rori answered Lynn somewhere else, but now it’s gone off the recent posts and I feel really curious to read it.

    Lynn can u tell us what Rori wrote you? Thank you.



  65.  #65Siena on May 10, 2010 at 11:31 am

    Daria,

    I hear what you’re saying, but this to me:

    “I feel concerned… I am looking for marriage and relationship… and i dont know why but reading this I feel worried… What do you think?”

    Feels like I would be trying to drive the relationship. If he were to bring up the question of what I’m looking for, then I would say something about marriage and family – but me responding to him saying he’s getting off the dating site and bringing up marriage feels leaning forward.

    hmmm, I don’t know. Where is the balance between timing and expressing how I’m feeling?



  66.  #66Daria on May 10, 2010 at 11:41 am

    Siena – maybe I didn’t get the message 100%.

    Leaning forward is initiating…

    feeling insecure and communicating that is being vulnerable and opening up.

    I heard you say that you were concerned that he was not gonna be able to be there for the long haul…

    well…

    at advanced level … opening up would be something that says the TRUTH

    I feel concerned that you’re not gonna be able or interested for the long haul… what do you think?

    and perhaps changing the phrasing…

    but communicating really HONESTLY what you really feel, like you did to us. The truth.



  67.  #67Daria on May 10, 2010 at 11:43 am

    maybe even dropping you:

    I feel concerned… I’m looking for marriage and family, and I find myself feeling insecure and evaluating men for that. And i don’t want to feel this way, I want to feel open and letting a man lead… and still something in me felt scared reading your message… what do you think?



  68.  #68Daria on May 10, 2010 at 11:44 am

    that feels a lil heavy too…

    whatever it is, somehting simple with the truth will do, or something like nothing lol

    or…

    i feel happy you’re not gonna be there anymore… lol… and im feeling a lil insecure… what do you think?



  69.  #69dorothea on May 10, 2010 at 11:47 am

    siena,
    or what about just being with the feelings instead of trying to fix them by talking to him about it. there are plenty of ways to determine if he is worthy of the long haul. some practice dates with a man who turns out not to be worthy of the long haul (whether he’s simply not interested in it or turns out to be someone u don’t want) are not going to end up being a huge waste of time…theyre just dates…



  70.  #70Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Siena, Christian Carter described a study of couples that showed that healthy relationships that last consisted of 20 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction. I think most of the above is really heavy for a man who is overburdened with drama already. Nothing wrong with you having a little drama, but whew, if I were a man and someone came at me with these heavy feeling messages after an email like that, I’d either be saying, “Eeeewww!” or running the other direction. At least that’s my impression from what I know of him so far.

    I think early on relationships NEED to be light and airy. It’s a major taboo to be talking heavy duty relationship when first getting to know someone. Maybe it IS better to just do nothing in response. It’s too early to tell where HIS head’s at.

    I always keep in mind that people change over time, and that happens largely thru relationships. Where he might be drama-shy now, when he gets to know you, he may be laughing, “Bring on the drama, you gorgeous siren!”

    Hey, by the way, how did your gala event go? Did you go with anyone?



  71.  #71Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    I disagree that they have to be light in the beginning.

    I think that: Intimacy starts from the very first for a siren. We always go deep into our feelings and share them authentically (though not heavily or blamingly).

    I think that: Thinking we have to keep it light, keep it happy, or keep it sexy… removes us from sharing our true selves and magnatizes a man.

    Lol i added I think that to remind myself im boy voicing it.

    I feel panicked! lol! I don’t want people to miss out on Rori tools…

    I think that : though the keeping it light thing is important, it mostly comes thru in the wording… short and with pauses for what do you think

    Lol I feel amused at my boy voicing
    !



  72.  #72Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:04 pm

    Why don’t I want people to miss out on Rori’s tools?

    Because it feels good when sirens get it FAST.

    Because it builds MY support network when I need help with the tools.

    Because I feel passionate about how DEEP and AMAZING Rori’s work can be.



  73.  #73Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:04 pm

    I start off with… im looking for marriage in the first Convo.



  74.  #74Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Just to chime in here, from what I have experienced for myself is that guys really like it when you are in integrity with how you are feeling inside. If you are not really feeling light and airy and yet you act like everything is, they’ll pick up on it right away and then that triggers their disconnect.

    I realize the feeling in Siena’s case it’s just a matter of her finding the words that are in alignment with her feelings which is something I myself struggle with too.



  75.  #75Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    Daria, I feel passionate, too, about how deep and amazing Rori’s work can be!! I want to get it fast, too. I know I don’t have all the answers, and I’m open to learn and try new things.

    I guess what came to mind about “I’m looking for marriage and children” from the door was the time I had a blind date with a man from Russia. I saw the language barrier as being potentially difficult, since I like deep, clear communication. I was willing to meet him and go with it anyway.

    But no sooner than we sat down and started talking than he says, “My mother keeps asking me when I’m going to get married and have children!” I felt red, blinking lights with sirens, and I don’t mean mythical creatures sirens! LOL!

    I had a cold, and I legitimately needed to run out to the car for my cough syrup. I seriously considered bolting and just not walking back in the restaurant! I gave him ZERO messages that I was interested, other than forcing myself to walk back in. At the end of the date, he grabbed me for a bear hug and tried to get a feel-ski , sliding his hands around my side to the front. MAJOR eeeeewwwwww! At that moment, I wished I HAD escaped early in the date!

    Then I think about Bill. Okay, granted, he’s a coworker, not a formal date. But there IS chemistry popping between us. What if I made a comment about marriage and family?? He’d be gone!

    I see it as letting the relationship develop organically when I just keep it light at the beginning. Like if I just met a woman at a party and suddenly started telling her all my deep feelings, she might feel weird about the level I am going to. Like hey, this person is still just a stranger.

    How do you feel about that? Wanna fight? 🙂



  76.  #76Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    BRENDA – NO!!

    Girl! I feel sad, I feel like pleading with you.

    This is just not true GODDESS!!!

    Men DO NOT run when you say you want marriage and family!

    This is a belief that (many women have, and Rori and even Christian Carter have addressed in e-letters) holds you back.

    In fact, men ARE IMPRESSED when a woman says what she wants in relationship, and declares she wants something serious, RIGHT AWAY.

    This is much of what I actually learned from Christian Carter. It separates the women men consider as long term, from women they don’t.

    Being UPFRONT from the start about wanting marriage and family, happily ever after, or what you want…

    is ONE OF THE MOST ATTRACTIVE THINGS a woman can do to a man.

    It just clearly sets you apart as a woman who values herself, and has great self esteem.



  77.  #77Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    I agree with being genuine. I feel I am genuine and I can remain genuine by just being friendly up front. I mean, you don’t share your deep truth with strangers, male or female. I did here in this blog, and I don’t know, how do you feel about that? I tend to be TOO glib up front and then get myself hurt, judged, and/or misunderstood for it. Ouch!

    When you are building a bridge, you don’t start with the pavement on top for cars to drive on. You start with the foundation. You start from the ground up. I feel weird talking about heavy relational topics up front, like driving a car over the bridge before it’s built…driving into thin air! There’s nothing strong to hold the car up. Poof! Bye-bye potential relationship!

    I also don’t like it when a first date is more like an interrogation. That doesn’t feel orgasmic, I mean, organic, either! 🙂 I don’t want to play 20 questions. I specially don’t like loaded questions like, “What was your last relationship like? Why did you break up?” It leaves me wide open for being judged and giving too much personal information too soon also leaves me wide open for being hurt. I have too often been seen as a victim and taken advantage of. I myself need to learn to have more “misty-q”, as my brother calls it, and protect my precious, delicate heart.



  78.  #78Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    The way I think this is misinterpreted, is that some women will quickly move to… I want marriage and relationship WITH YOU!!! and hold on to that man trying to get him to commit. THAT does not work

    With the man you were seeing:

    “my mother keeps asking me”

    is different from

    “I want”

    VERY different. That feels like a turnoff.

    And, even ‘I want marriage and children’ can feel scary to hear for someone who is afraid of intimacy (and we all can be a lil bit) but it is also very attractive.



  79.  #79Siena on May 10, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    Wow, thank you Sirens!

    I did tell him in an earlier email that I felt uneasy about something he wrote in his profile, and then on our first (and only) date we talked about marriage, children, communication, etc. But HE brought those things up, and I answered honestly with feeling messages.

    I answered his latest email just saying, “it feels good to know why you are off the dating site so I don’t have to wonder.” That is true. But I guess it’s true that I was feeling more than that also – I was feeling triggered from past experience.

    And this: “I heard you say that you were concerned that he was not gonna be able to be there for the long haul…”

    YES, that’s true! But I’m not sure I’m gonna be there for the long haul either!

    This is what it has come down to in each of my failed “relationships.” This is it. Finding the balance between opening my heart and speaking my authentic truth, and feeling heard while not communicating to him that I am further along than he is.

    It’s the anxiousness and fear that I feel that makes him feel not safe. Do I communicate that anxiousness and fear – even if it’s really unrelated to something he did or said (or minorly related) – or do I just fix the part in me that feels anxious and afraid?

    I feel really stuck on this point.



  80.  #80Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    The babysteps to opening are heart are exactly that:

    so that we DO share our deep truth with strangers. With everyone. That is having our heart open, and what we work towards.



  81.  #81Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 12:29 pm

    Hey Brenda, I have to echo Daria’s sentiments here. Christian Carter actually advocates women being upfront from the beginning of what they are feeling. If the man takes it fine good if not, then he;s not worth it. What He along with Rori and everyone else encourage is that women not fester and then blow up later. That’s the no-no.



  82.  #82Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:29 pm

    Brenda – a lot of your concerns are addressed in Rori’s programs. What comes to mind is … Targeting Mr. Right.

    Yes, we don’t want to share what we think are our faults, or our horror stories. We DO want to share our authentic feelings in the moment, even if they are horror, shame, fear, sadness.



  83.  #83Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    Daria, I am currently emailing Bill about a document. What if I say, “By the way, I am interested in being a wife and a mother.” LOL! I know, it’s different cuz it’s a work situation. That would be overfunctioning, would you agree? That would be past Brenda. I’ll give you Ryan’s email address and you can ask him if I told him what I wanted up front. He’d probably gag! I was WAAAY overfunctioning in that relationship! I guess I have the opposite problem of most women, and I’m trying to slow Sally down! I’m like “Giddy-up!” in every relationship! LOL!

    Now I feel silly, playful, energetic, and like picking a fight! C’mon, Bill, marry me! Marry me! MARRY ME!!!!!



  84.  #84Siena on May 10, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    okay, I just answered my own question. My authentic self feels more than just “happy, okay, good” whatever.

    I need to be able to communicate the bad stuff too.

    Okay, I know this.

    I can do this.

    I can do this easily with someone I’ll never see again. It’s more difficult with someone I would like to see again.

    Okay, well, next time I’ll communicate the whole truth. I’m sure the opportunity will present itself.

    I’ll let it go for now.



  85.  #85Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    Siena – you have two options. Rori options.

    Feel your feelings, say nothing.

    Feel your feelings, express feelings.

    Usually number 2 is good for connecting and I know my feelings, while number 1 has been good when i feel confused.

    In other words: do you want to share YOU at this moment?

    you can bless him with your feelings, or you can be with your feelings yourself, you can bless him at a later time…

    as Rori says, sharing authentically starts a conversation… now you both will be heart engaged… its not about blaming you, but about both of you saying WOW at your feelings

    and its never about “fixing” feelings. fixing is just not something we can do to feelings.

    just feel them, love them, and (choose to or not) share them when he comes towards us



  86.  #86Tallgirl10 on May 10, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    Siena,

    Email is not the place to get heavy. You can’t see the person and it could make the situation worse. Maybe you could say:

    I feel so thankful that you shared where you are with me. I agree that drama is not helpful in a relationship. Have a great day, and see you XYZ time.

    Then you could discuss it when you see him and express the rest of it.

    Men don’t like drama in general, and having weird email conversations will make it worse, not better.

    Being a siren is understanding that communication is about the responce you illicit. While you are only responsible for thinking through the potential responces, and not for the total outcome, it would be silly not recognize there is a time and place for all conversations.



  87.  #87Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    Yay – SIENA!



  88.  #88Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    I want to get Targeting Mr. Right. I haven’t been able to afford it yet. So if I’m off, please excuse me. I will gladly go to Bill’s desk and say, “Pleeeeassszzzzee make mad, passionate love with me!” LOL! Overfunctioning Bren



  89.  #89Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    I totally agree with Tallgirl. I just emailed Bill. No, nothing radical. Just funning around with him!



  90.  #90Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    “its not about blaming you, but about both of you saying WOW at your feelings”

    A great big leggo piece connect sound went off in my heart. I love that.

    “Being a siren is understanding that communication is about the responce you illicit.”

    Love this too!



  91.  #91Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    NO!!!

    Communication is not about the response you elicit!!!

    Rori clearly says that it’s very important to move from teh place of “how will what i say affect him”

    to “how can i best express how I’m feeling in this moment”

    and BE SURPRISED at the result.

    Rori says:
    communicating feelings, even ones that feel bad, is not “drama.”
    communicating from a place of blame or control is drama.



  92.  #92Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    I think it may be the case that masculine communication is about the response they elicit. Masculine is about results.

    Feminine communication is about expression.



  93.  #93Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    Brenda – do you think overfunctioning works to get you what you want?



  94.  #94Siena on May 10, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    Tallgirl and Brenda,

    My problem has been that in order to avoid “drama”, I shut down communicating the bad feelings.

    It turned me into a “nice” girl.

    I’m not all that nice. I have drama moments too, and I want a man who will be able to deal with those.

    But I still feel afraid to communicate the drama stuff, because I’ve believed that men don’t like drama.

    But as long as I don’t attack him with my drama, I want to be with someone who I can be dramatic with if I want to.

    Other women do, and still get the guy! He complains and grumbles – but he still goes home to her!

    Me sitting on the sidelines, not creating any drama, while the drama queens get the guy – is really annoying to me.

    Not attacking you Sirens, just emoting 😉



  95.  #95Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    If yes, then Experiment… clearly paying attention to how it feels deeply.

    If no, then STOP. Just STOP.

    I feel bad reading about you overfunctioning and leaning forward. I feel upset.



  96.  #96Siena on May 10, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    “communicating feelings, even ones that feel bad, is not drama.
    communicating from a place of blame or control is drama.”

    Yay Daria, THAT’S what I’ve been trying to learn! Thank you! I honestly never knew that before, and how much “drama” would I have saved myself if I knew it!



  97.  #97Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    Oh, okay, here’s the perfect example. You probably all saw “Tootsie” from 20+ years ago. A male actor, played by Dustin Hoffman, couldn’t find work so he dressed as a woman. He entered the woman’s world. Thinking he was a woman, his costar confided in him, “You know what I wish? I wish for once a man would just walk up to me and say, ‘I find you very attractive, and I’d love to make love with you!'”

    Next time Dustin Hoffman saw her at a party when he was dressed as himself, a man, he said just that, “I find you very attractive, and I’d love to make love with you!”

    Instead of falling head-over-heels for him, she threw her drink on him and angrily stomped away.

    I calmly rest my case. 🙂



  98.  #98Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    Siena – I feel you when you say that it seems the drama queens get the guy and girls like us squelch out drama. I remember Rori’s post about “Your Inner Drama Queen” can’t remember the whole title. I remember the gist of it being to convey, as you said, your drama without making him wrong and make both of you, as Daria said, go “wow” to your feelings.

    Now I THINK the reason why these guys seem to go for the drama queens 1). is because these girls know how to convey their dramas in the way we are being taught to here or 2). The guys are probably heavily into their feminine energies or are confused about it. Just my thought here.



  99.  #99Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    Lol, the posts are coming so fast!



  100.  #100Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    Brenda –

    Saying “I find you very attractive, and I’d love to make love with you”

    is a VERY FEMININE ROCKSTAR statement.

    It is all about feelings!!

    this is a kind of statement one can share with a man, authentically. (if one feels that confident and open to not do it EXPECTING a response)

    however, PLEASE make love to me, is a different type of energy, that is not what we want.

    In Targeting Mr. Right, Rori talks about the energy of a woman saying

    “maybe” (siren) vs. “please” (doormat)

    try it. and see how it feels. Now, it doesn’t have to be an actual question.

    In every interaction with a man we can check whether we’re in the energy of “maybe” or the energy of “please”



  101.  #101Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    Hehe, I like that line, I;ve never seen the movie. My devilish playful and quirky side is instigated now.

    Daria, so are you saying that that statement wold work if a woman said it to a man but not if a man says it to a woman?



  102.  #102Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    Apple Jacks – men go for drama queens because drama queens are FEELING and they are also ABOUT THEMSELVES.

    That will make men feel ATRRACTED.

    Men will never go for a doormaty drama queen.

    Even though men will feel attracted, it’s still not something that will necessarily last. Because the man does not feel safe with a woman that isn’t also

    WARM AND INVITING.

    So DRAMA QUEEN = GOOD, plus NON BLAMING OR CONTOLING = Goddess.

    On the other hand, men will feel safe with a doormat, but they won’t feel attracted.



  103.  #103Daria on May 10, 2010 at 12:56 pm

    Yes. Even if a guy said it to me,

    like Damn girl, you’re so fine, i wanna fuck u right here.

    Well, I would feel flattered, and i would also feel stuck and a lil judgemental… like… well youre not DOING anything lol. So i would just smile and move on. (imagining a club scenario)



  104.  #104Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    So it comes down to the passive/aggressive thing. Where you act like you’re okay about something and let it fester, then blow up whereas if you state your feelings about a particular situation in the moment, especially if he asks. Am I on the right track?



  105.  #105Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    Daria, I feel ya! Thanks for working with me! I think we were not xactly on the same page. Now I think we are.

    I was saying IN THE (recent) PAST I overfunctioned. I am trying hard NOW to NOT overfunction.

    I see what you are saying now, and I appreciate the wording you are expressing. Coolness, I will go along with that. I was just seeing her relationship as premature to have red flags, but anyway, enuff on that.

    I was having flashbacks of waaaayyyyy too many issues with Ryan. Almost every time he’d leave my house, I’d text him or call him, out of insecurity, saying I hope you didn’t think this or are you okay with that? Oh man, I just bombarded that man!

    Early on, he did stuff like this, “Okay, Brenda, I’m about to leave. It seems like every time I leave, you have issues. So let’s get them out now, BEFORE I leave, okay?” I thot it was very sweet, and we parted happily that night.

    Then a few weeks later, I used a tool I learned on one of my relationship CD sets, where you ask the other person something they like, something else, and then something they think you should know. All you are allowed to say in response is, “Thank you.”

    I asked Ryan, and he said, “You always have issues! Every time I turn around, you have something to discuss! Why can’t this just be positive?”

    So that’s where I was coming from. I think that totally solves it for me tho, the same comment Siena commented on, “communicating feelings, even ones that feel bad, is not drama. communicating from a place of blame or control is drama.”

    That is very meaningful to me, and I feel good about it all now. How do you feel?



  106.  #106EarthDancer on May 10, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    Hi Siena & Sirens:

    I feel uggghhh! I feel all of you are too much in your head!

    I am feeling I agree with Daria based on the two Rori programs I have. Rori says being a Siren is NOT worrying about what he thinks, why he thinks it, or worrying or wondering what he thinks about YOU. Being a Siren is focusing on YOURSELF, learning about yourself and setting your boundaries, and then living by them. Rori says you NEVER have to worry about trusting a man if you trust your boundaries.

    Rori’s DIVA CREED:
    DATE AT LEAST THREE (or as many as you can fit into your life)



  107.  #107Daria on May 10, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    Apple Jacks – yes. Also add in the Non-Blaming, Non-Controlling him or the outcome.

    Brenda – I felt bad reading that you jsut e-mailed Bill funning around. That is overfunctioning. I feel glad you’re dediacated to no longer overfunctioning.
    Babysteps are good!

    PS with the thank you exercise, that is an exercise and might not work without the other person knowing you’re doing it… though i suppose it can

    I like to use Mama Gena’s Spring cleaning exercise By myself:

    i goes like this

    What do you have on (topic feeling intense about, ie MEN)?

    one sentence that comest o mind about men right now and how im feeling

    Thank you.

    Repeat



  108.  #108EarthDancer on May 10, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    OOOPS!

    DIVA CREED:
    DATE AT LEAST THREE (or as many as you can fit into your life)
    KEEP THE FOCUS ON ME: (focus on yourself; are YOU happy, are your needs being met, do you feel good)
    TREAT THEM ALL EQUALLY (not getting hung up on just one)
    TIL I SAY YES TO A RING AND IT FEELS GOOD (only marriage ends the actual dating)

    Diva’s either accept a man or reject him they don’t hang around worrying or wondering …



  109.  #109Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    Here are the emails I just exchanged with Bill. I’m sending them unrelated to this convo. Just sending it for fun, cuz it’s fun…

    Brenda: Hi Bill, I just realized 203 is one of the templates…see note in right column…is this all right? Want me to put it back in before 507?

    Bill: Yeah – if it is a template lets try and get it out – we have to have them in place shortly.

    Brenda: That’s your opinion! Who asked ya?

    Bill: Hmmm U DID!

    Brenda: LOL! I wanna fight!

    Brenda: Please excuse me if I’m annoying you. That isn’t my intention. I am just in a playful mood.

    Bill: Haha – No problem – I’m over here working hard on the 234 doc.

    Brenda: Thanks! I’m over here misbehaving!

    Bill: Stop that! It must be Frank’s influence!

    Brenda: No, Frank is minding his own bidness. It’s YOUR influence! It’s all your fault.

    Bill: Ok – put ’em up – parking lot 15 minutes – knives

    Brenda: LOL! I love it! I love rough housing!

    Bill: Rough housing! No way – this is hack and slash!

    Brenda: Cool! Okay! I got my lock blade! I’ll pull it out of my sleeve and you’ll be steak! Pow! Slash! Slice!

    Bill: U in trouble now…..(he attached a pic of a jumbo sumo wrestling type guy with a scowl, pulling a sword out of a sheath)

    Brenda: LOLOLOLOL! Yo fool, wusup? U wanna tango with me? I’m not the one, cupcake!

    Bill: Cupcake – hmm – hungry – going for sugar….



  110.  #110Daria on May 10, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    YAY Earthdancer thank you for sharing the DIVA CREED! I’ve been reviewing Targeting and refreshing too!.

    Also remember that you cant “FEEL THAT something”

    that is a “THINK THAT” in disguise

    you can only FEEL sad, mad, glad, afraid

    and variations on those

    as well as poetic situations.. for example i can feel that im sinking

    but i cant “feel” that Earthdancer is switching feel for think.



  111.  #111Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    I didn’t know funning around was overfunctioning. I thot it was funning around.



  112.  #112Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    Damn, this is like going to school lol. And I LOVED school.



  113.  #113Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    Yeh, Siren School. Diva School. Mrs. Degree. We could turn this blog into a book, “Beyond Having Sex: How to Feel Your Way into a Man’s Heart, Not Just Into His Pants”.



  114.  #114Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    Lol, good title Bren.



  115.  #115Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    P.S. I want sex.



  116.  #116EarthDancer on May 10, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    LOL yeah, Daria I’m still working on sinking into my feelings; I’ve had to live by “boy” energy so long … but the flame, although sputtering, is gonna take hold!! and I’ll get it 🙂

    ok, so advice if anyone has any: I’m CD’ing this guy, he lives about 60 miles from me, I’ve said over and over and over that I DO NOT DRIVE and I like men to pick me up, and I get this email (I also said I like to talk on the phone instead of emailing *sigh*):

    “You are very intellectual, I am being a man and admitting that is somewhat intimidating. By league I mean intellectual “league”…All I want is to get to know you and spend time. I feel that if you came up to (my town) and spent time with me you would find that I am a good person and would do anything for you. I am not just interested in a physical relationship…those prime years were awhile ago. I want to nurture and cuddle with you not put notches on my bed. Would you allow me to earn your heart and come up to visit me? Or I would happily pick you up Friday evening and bring you back Sunday OR at any time you like.”

    I do NOT want to spend a WEEKEND with a man I just met. I do NOT want to drive to his town. I have TOLD him this … what am I missing? thank you 🙂

    I think of you often.



  117.  #117Siena on May 10, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    Earthdancer,

    I feel defensive. I AM dating at least 3 – more like 5.

    And I KNOW I’m in my head, but that’s why I’m here, to learn how to communicate using my heart.

    I’m not saying any of these things to the guy.



  118.  #118Rori Raye on May 10, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    Earthdancer – I’m behind in this, I think — have you met him in person? If not, and no friend/work/other reason lies half-way between you to allow you to meet him halfway – this will never work. I’m totally and completely against any kind of geographical issues. Sometimes they work out – but they don’t work for Circular Dating except for whenever he shows up…and that’s his job. First meetings, though – you have to leave your home and meet in a neutral place…that means you drive a bit. If he lives close, which he should, then you drive to the corner park or mall…if he lives 60 miles away – it might be driving to the next town 20 miles away. And, after that – it just gets more challenging…CD the locals!!! Love, Rori



  119.  #119EarthDancer on May 10, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    Siena,
    I feel sorry you feel defensive, I feel sad and tight in my chest I feel you are angry with me. I don’t mean to single you out; I know from your posts you are CDing a lot. I still do not know my FEELINGS very well (see post above 🙂 ) but I feel confident in shifting the focus from them to ME.

    I keep reading post after post on all these threads and I feel worried that the same thing keeps coming up on a lot of them – what HE’s thinking, feeling, doing, wondering, wanting. And Rori says this is WRONG.



  120.  #120EarthDancer on May 10, 2010 at 1:42 pm

    Thank you, Rori; I did drive to a restaurant off the interstate to meet him the first time…and then he drove to my town for a real “date”…I am trying to use circular dating as “Free Therapy” wherever I can get it! I am on two dating websites and have NOT HAD ONE LOCAL contact me. I live about 60 miles from a large metropolitan area, and so far, that’s where all the interest has been coming from….



  121.  #121dorothea on May 10, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    i feel extremely triggered and icky reading brenda’s conversation with bill.



  122.  #122Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    Okay, here’s a direct example of what I was saying is a major turn-off for me….I just checked my inbox for my dating website, and this message is waiting for me:

    “I have an intimate question to ask you…Do you think we’d be compatible, you know … intimately?”

    My inclination is to not respond at all, even tho he’s local, handsome, and his profile is half-decent looking. How do you sirens feel? I would honestly appreciate some feedback. Would you answer? If so, what would you say?



  123.  #123Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    Dorothea, I am honestly interested in learning and I would appreciate your feedback in more detail, even tho I know it is an expression of icky feelings.



  124.  #124Daria on May 10, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    Rori – I don’t understand y we have to meet somewhere neutral. Isn’t it the same as them meeting us at our corner park or downtown? Where I live it’s typical for people to drive abt 40 miles or so to school work even to visit women. I’ve been expecting men to meet me downtown close to me. Please elaborate.



  125.  #125Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    Daria, I rarely feel closure in my conversations with you. Are you mad at me?



  126.  #126dorothea on May 10, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    brenda i dont want to try to control u but girl

    u overfunction like a muthafugga. u lean forward. u give him no space to initiate. it feels needy and low-self esteemy to me.



  127.  #127dorothea on May 10, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    actually bill is responding with feminine energy. the more you lean forward, the more he leans back into himself…. he is the siren here. LOL.

    i want u to lean back aahhhhhh i’m freaking out haha



  128.  #128dorothea on May 10, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    Brenda: Please excuse me if I’m annoying you. That isn’t my intention. I am just in a playful mood.

    what the hell is this?!?!? lol wtf brenda.



  129.  #129Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    Dorothea, thanks for your feedback. I will work more on leaning back.



  130.  #130dorothea on May 10, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    you are very welcome. thanks for listening. you are a goddessy siren damnit.



  131.  #131Daria on May 10, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    Brenda – Mary sAid something similar. I don’t realy look at my blog postings or online stuff as conversations. And no imm not mad at u.

    I feel weird when it’s tine to say bye in real life. I feel fun and free to just disappear . I feel judgemental of myself now . It might feel fun to enjoy saying bye . It’s a strange trigger for me. I wonder wat the message is. Mary said she felt abandoned. I feel restricted having to say bye or call people wen I get home safe. I even use to tell my sis I hate it an won’t do it.

    H
    mm I feel afraid.



  132.  #132Apple Jacks on May 10, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    Dorothea, I appreciate what you said to Brenda. I confess I was feeling a bit unsure too when I read her messages to him. Kinda icky (no offense Brenda, I love you), but I did not know how to express (siren word, DING DING) it. It was great for me to see how you broke it down in explanation for her. Now I can see for myself too. It’s easy to fall into the leaning forward trap in the guise of “playfulness” and I appreciated how you pointed out that it was Bill who was leaned back. I feel like it will be easier for me to recognize it for myself now, too.



  133.  #133Tallgirl10 on May 10, 2010 at 3:32 pm

    Now I wonder if I am overfunctioning, I thought this was pretty good:

    Him: So do you know we missed XYZ concert last night? What were we thinking

    Me: I had no idea! How could you have let this happen?

    Him: I can’t be held responsible, my app let me down! Besides you knew and kept quiet

    Me: I can neither confirm nor deny your allegation. Besides, mr bad influence, who is the wannabe car thief (*this part of an inside joke*)? Ok, on my way out now, have fun tonight!

    Thoughts???? I am working on leaning back, ending convos first etc…..



  134.  #134Tallgirl10 on May 10, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    Ps – That was Sat night, and we’ll see if he calls sooner or later….



  135.  #135Daria on May 10, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    Tall girl! I think that is sooo cute!! hehe… great job ending the convo first (am practicing on this too).

    I did not at all get a lean forward vibe in any of it…

    you didnt even fall for it when he tried to “we think” it. hehhee!

    yay!



  136.  #136Tallgirl10 on May 10, 2010 at 3:50 pm

    Never thought about his use of “we”. Should I read into it????



  137.  #137Daria on May 10, 2010 at 3:51 pm

    The only thing i could point out to practice on would be:

    theres no feeling messages. Even j

    oking we can use them. as in .

    I feel shocked and deeply disappointed. How could you let this happen!

    hehe

    I try to use them as much as i can! but even so, i don’t feel a lean forward vibe here at all…

    maybe at have fun tonite? but thats really really pushing the issue.

    Actually wait. thats pushing MY issue! I never tell guys “have fun tonite” because i feel afraid of leaning forward! lol. I feel embarassed. Surely it’s ok… and not leaning forward… or is it? dum de dum dum duuuuummmmmm

    what will we find out???

    can we wish them fun? a good day? good lluck?

    or is it best to be quiet and self absorbed and wish ourselves those things…

    Scripters?? what do you think?



  138.  #138Daria on May 10, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    Tall Girl!

    noooo dont do it. don’t “read into it” ie analyze.

    that is My mistake. I jumped to the judgement of… he’s not taking enuf control… but thats cuz of MY triggers!!!

    judgement and analyzing aren’t what we want..

    so what’s my deal then…



  139.  #139Tallgirl10 on May 10, 2010 at 3:57 pm

    I was not going to analyze,that is one of my rules with this guy and as many other guys as possible!

    I do not think wishing someone a fun night when you had discussed their plans the night before is leaning forward at all, it is a polite way to end the convo.

    Telling him to tell you how the night went is leaning forward. As far as I am concerned – as long as you are not asking about anything future, that is where the line is drawn.



  140.  #140Daria on May 10, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    this man was joking. he even went to we, and not to YOU.

    soo.. i guess i feel turned off by a man “in blaming “in charge” stuff on me, even jokingly, unless i knew for sure he is only doing it cuz hes joking

    i would feel judgemental. i woudl feel panicked a lil bit. like oh no he’s not taking charge… ack!!!

    I woudl feel like controlling him and telling him… NO U ARE IN CHARGE OF THE THINKING!!

    and now i feel embarassed that tall girl didn’t feel that way

    she naturally leaned back without even judging the man

    ack

    i feel afraid that i judge men !

    I dont want to judge them.

    sigh

    i love my feelings



  141.  #141Daria on May 10, 2010 at 4:01 pm

    I feel jealous i love my jealousy.

    I feel kina anxious and panicky right now i love my anxious panicked feeling.

    I feel bored i love my boredom.



  142.  #142Daria on May 10, 2010 at 4:04 pm

    Tall Girl I like how you have a clear line for yourself and your boundary on the goodbye thing –

    weird!! the goodbye thing just came up for me earlier.

    i have TRIGGERS with goodbyes

    i feel triggered saying bye to people!!



  143.  #143Tallgirl10 on May 10, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    Daria,

    I looked at his text as his reaching out to let me know he had a good time the night before in a mellow and fun way. He may have also been testing my responsiveness to him. I was not reading too much into it.

    EMK says that if a man calls, call him back, if a man texts, text him back. That is mirroring him so you are taking on too much control. I like this theory.

    But, before you feel jealous etc, we dated already. Since it did not go well at the end, I decided to live by my new rules which include not to analyze anything he does, have no expectations, and don’t analyze anything I did. This man is not my husband, so it is easier to be more relaxed.

    But my new attitude seems to be going well, he is much more attentive than the last time. But if he floats away, it won’t be because of anything I did.

    I also feel very triggered at goodbyes. He said “see ya” when we left and I can say that I really did not like it at all, and I expected him to disappear.

    But more likely he was discombobulated by our two minute smootch.



  144.  #144Lynn on May 10, 2010 at 4:36 pm

    I will copy and paste what Rori wrote back to me on my post from this morning. I appriciate all the well wishes, hugs 🙂 and thoughts. I think it was Brenda who told me this was just a phase that will pass, I sure hope so. I wish I could just get back the energy that we had at the beginning of our relationship. I will say this …I AM LEARNING..he called this morning shortly after my post and he wanted to know if I would make enchaladas tonight for dinner and if I cared that he invited his Uncle- who is like his dad…and I said sure that would be fine because I felt good about cooking and having him over too and I ended the conversation. Then after dinner was over and my girls where cleaning up he asked if I was still going to the grocery and I said no I dont think I feel like going, I said I feel like taking a bubble bath instead…then he said well you need too cuz I want some oreos…I said then you best get busy and go get yourself some.



  145.  #145Lynn on May 10, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    Comment:
    lynn – Welcome – and you’re not going to like my answer. The key to renewing a
    marriage is to start with the little things – and if you have my ebook (if you
    don’t – get it) – read the whole thing – then start with the chapter on
    APPRECIATION. Him giving your daughter money to get something was SOMETHING. He
    didn’t forget – that’s just how he did it – and when your daughter came to
    you…sweetly I assume…you must tell her what would make you happy – flowers,
    or an itunes gift certificate, or a starbucks gift certificate – or just a card
    – or whatever she asks – and then APPRECIATE her asking, and APPRECIATE your
    husband even remembering anything at all. Once he gets that you’re not going to
    make him wrong, or tell him to “forget it” if he can’t do stuff “right” – he’ll
    start being more motivated to please you more. This is how the good stuff
    starts…Love, Rori



  146.  #146Sherry on May 10, 2010 at 5:16 pm

    This is such a great thread!!! Thank you to all the Sirens 🙂

    Sienna – I feel glad that you brought this whole subject up! You seem to be doing the whole CD thing the right way and I fell I have learned through your process – thank you!

    Goodheart – Re: #51 & #53 – So Awesome!! I know they were for Sienna but I have put them on post-its also 🙂

    Brenda – Re: #59 – Beautiful! Again on a post-it!

    Daria – Seriously girl you are a rock star!!



  147.  #147Tallgirl10 on May 10, 2010 at 5:21 pm

    i am feeling anxious, nervous and hopeful. I really want him to call. I also know not to make it my center, but I really do.



  148.  #148Daria on May 10, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    Lynn – thank you for posting.

    and wow.

    I wonder if i was making (man I nicknamed) Security wrong when I was telling him I don’t want just texts, I want calls, and I don’t want to see missed calls, I want a voicemail.

    I feel worried. I think I did have some of that in there….

    and i love myself

    i do want what i want… and i did not blame him in words…

    i feel a lil confused

    i feel intrigued by what’s going to shift with Lynn!

    Thank you for reposting that Lynn!



  149.  #149Tallgirl10 on May 10, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    i don’t feel good about calls with no message either. I usually won’t call back.



  150.  #150mary on May 10, 2010 at 6:18 pm

    i was contacted last week by a guy who wanted to go look at a boat that he was thinking about buying. he doesn’t live here, but he was traveling through. I said i’d meet him, and i did, but it was very difficult to pin him down in a lean-back way as to where and how we were to get together because he kept asking me to figure it out.

    i’m pretty tired of this, and it’s the only way these guys function.

    we got to talking about our mix-up at lunch, and i said some pretty vague things, when he put down his fork and said,

    “your just gonna have to get over that and live in this culture if you’re gonna be here. guys here value women and want their input, so you might as well come up with some times and lists of things you want to do and places you want to go, because everyone is going to be asking you.”

    i feel so blue today.

    i am in this foreign country all alone.

    what am i doing here?

    i should go back to where my family lives.

    even if there are no ferns or forests or waterfalls or ocean or seagulls or seals or little pubs or corner stores or people who want to chat for hours…

    maybe i should go home.

    dating is getting me down today. i really feel like giving up completely.

    wow.

    i’m only a few weeks into my adventure.

    when i feel like this (and it is rare), i want to revert back to R and call him telepathically. make him get in touch with me! force him to email me. i want to put a message in a bottle and throw it his way. i know he’d find it! weren’t we meant to be together? what the heck…

    maybe i’ll quit going out.

    maybe i’ll just sell everything and move.

    i don’t really know what to do.

    i’m lost.



  151.  #151Daria on May 10, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    yeah me too. when i was younger there was teh ‘cool rule’ that cool people dont leave messages, and a lot of guys here use that.

    thats ok though, i still dont return calls without messages anymore, since rori pointed that out…

    i feel very ‘mature’ doing so



  152.  #152Daria on May 10, 2010 at 6:24 pm

    a lot of guys i have talked to. I even think it, so i know im projecting it on them and can understand it. fuck the cool rule. im worth it.



  153.  #153Daria on May 10, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    my arm was hurtin so i just did a full workout
    woo hoo!



  154.  #154Siena on May 10, 2010 at 6:33 pm

    Earthdancer, I didn’t feel angry – just defensive. I don’t want to have to censor myself here. But I’m not feeling angry at you.

    Sherry, I feel so encouraged, thank you!

    Rori said somewhere that CDing is a FT job, and BOY do I feel it! I’m really feeling tired from all this triggering and relating to new men. There’s nowhere comfortable for me to retreat to, except within my own self and in the space I create for myself. I would love to feel comfortable with a man in a space we create together… or that he creates for us. I want to be taken care of!

    I guess I really want a man to rescue me still. I know Rori says to be your own hero, but I can’t help wanting that.

    I just returned from an afternoon-long meeting, and I’m feeling very very exhausted. I can’t switch hats between boy/girl energy very well. I really wonder what the best way to do that is?

    I got hit on by one of the men in the meeting, and I didn’t know how to respond. I was so in my boy energy that I kinda looked at him with a confused look, I think. I felt confused! How am I supposed to handle that?

    I’ve structured my business so that I don’t have to work FT (ie to the point of exhaustion) so that I can focus on my personal life – but even then I’m feeling worn out.

    But I’m committed to kick this thing – I will not settle for less anymore!

    I know I keep saying this, but I really don’t want to do this work anymore. I really want to be a girl FT. There must be something I can be doing that creates more space for my girl. The switching back and forth is really really difficult…

    🙁 feeling sad, feeling overwhelmed, feeling groundless…



  155.  #155jessie on May 10, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    had a bad mothers day…had a rotten roommate actually threaten to put his hands on my 3 year old after i told him he couldnt use my broom sink as a bidet….he was washing his a** in my broom sink and on top of that would not wash it out afterwards…he is obviously from another culture than canadian…anyway….this is the email he sent me….which just made my mothers day which is usually always so bad anyway….my mom doesnt talk to me…she is a Jehovahs witness and dumped me for going to university….read this shit he wrote to me…..

    So, I suppose you’re going to do this every morning and make my day miserable, first of all there is NO paper towel in the washroom today, so the water could not be wiped off the counter, I would have cleant it otherwise. There were 4 rolls of towels last night, no idea who ate them all up. DON’T COMPLAIN.

    Secondly, just because I don’t complain does not mean Im happy with whatever is going around. Did you clean the dog pee from the stairs last evening?? NO, I still saw the stains this morning. Did you ask me before you brought the dog into the house?? Did you listen to bring in a trainer for the dog which 2 people in the house have already told you since he pee’s at least twice a day in the house, we told you almost 2 weeks ago. I am extremely uncomfortable with that and we have told you several times to get a trainer. You wanna save your money, fair enough, I wanna save my time in the morning. I don’t like the dog, I would like him to be trained to stay at least 1 ft away from me and not pee on the floor. If he can’t learn, you have to get rid of him till I live here, because you never asked me before bringing in a dog. That’s the best I can adjust with. Until you do this, DON’T COMPLAIN.

    Guess what, your son pee’d on the floor yesterday, which is disgusting. He has punched me in the crouch and my face more than 10 times. He threw my sunglasses yesterday and runs away with my cell phone, The language he uses is highly ridiculous, your bad parenting is causing issues with people living in the house, Im worried how parents of other children will respond with him around their kids at school. Get your son to stay away from me and not to touch me. Until he learns, DON’T COMPLAIN.

    Last but not the least, don’t touch my shoes, jacket, sunglasses etc. wherever they are. Ive seen you throw my shoes down the hall, my jacket in front of my door with the dog sitting on it. That’s a $130 jacket. Don’t ever again move my personal effects. Until you improve, DON’T COMPLAIN.

    Someone doesn’t complain does not mean always mean they are happy with everything around, now that you have provoked me, I guess here is my complaint, deal with it before you ask me to.

    anyway….that was the last of him…i gave him 24 hours to get out before i put him in jail…of which after my other guy roommates told him that he better hope the police come and the babys father…came over and talked to him too…we are split up but I think this goof got the point…..very upsetting day for me and just triggers my feelings again that men are just monkeys….



  156.  #156lynn on May 10, 2010 at 7:39 pm

    Daria..Thnx for the support, you don’t know how much I needed just to let it all out. I’m not real comfortable with saying and/or loving myself yet but I got the feelings part down well. It feels good to beable to feel and voice them!!! What a realization..I do have feelings and I am suppost to cherish them..not everybody else but me and they will follow. How do you really start to love yourself though. How do I start..I hear its baby steps but where is that starting line. I work with mostly men and I have been practicing my new tools on them as well..now thats been fun 🙂



  157.  #157lynn on May 10, 2010 at 7:44 pm

    Jessie, I’m new with all this but I see some valid points in what he’s saying. NOT how he’s saying it but he feels unheard and very frustrated to me and that is why he seems to be reacting so harsh. READ what he’s saying though without reacting to the words but listen to his complaints.



  158.  #158EarthDancer on May 10, 2010 at 8:00 pm

    Mary, I feel despair coming thru your post; I feel sad. I want to send you hope and support and hugs and to let you know you are not alone. I feel unhappy with what I’ve been hearing from men, too. Ick.



  159.  #159Alicia on May 10, 2010 at 8:05 pm

    Speaking of Feelings::

    Hi ladies… I have to say there is one side of me that loves this “feeling” speaking.. It’s sparkly and cute and awesome and empowering and I feel like I even respect myself more.. BUT… there is this other side that just feels WIERD!!! Like guys just think it’s emotional.. but, I don’t know.. maybe that”s just me feeling fear. I responded to an ex about an email.. (it was a law of attraction video, love, money and sucess) He had his thoughts on it (about thinking it was kind of snobby of the creator of it and how unless it was God’s exact words, he wasn’t all into it anymore.) (we have watched The Secret before) This was a 2minute little fun video.. I just felt it was interesting and confusing.. Cause he lovesssss his rap video’s with them flashing money and getting ladies. So I voiced myself.. haha And I had my feelings about it, Basically I just told him that I felt wierd judging this video and the girl.. Maybe she had a rough life, maybe someone told her she would never make it and now she did. But, I felt good looking at the pics and I feel angry when people are cool with all the singers flashing things but, shaming normal people who want to attract postive things in their life..

    I don’t know if I did that wrong or not.. But, no response. So I guess I feel scared… Although I’m ready to tell him this “friend” things doesn’t feel right.. So I guess silence is golden.. I hope it’s not possible that I pushed him away cause I took a baby step and expressed feelings about a video.. lol.. BUT… really the more I do with other people I feel like my self respect increases and I notice I feel less stuck, and less stress.. the postive feelings come up faster..

    I dunno.. How do other people feel about this?? 😉

    Thanks!



  160.  #160Daria on May 10, 2010 at 8:16 pm

    Lynn I started by writing:

    the feelng sensation in my body

    I feel tight in my throat

    and then writing

    ANd i love the tightness in my throat

    and then writing

    And That feels like:

    (and then pause to see what it feels like to have said i love the tightness in my throat)

    and then write what that feels like,

    and say i love that feeling,

    and repeat

    Writing it started me feeling it



  161.  #161Daria on May 10, 2010 at 8:28 pm

    Alicia – reading whta you wrote I feel a lil concerned.

    It sounds to me kind of blaming, to compare it to something you know he likes, and talking about people (sounds to me tho i feel a lil confused) that you were talking about him. almost seems like you were trying to make him wrong.

    Sharing feelings is more like:

    wow… i feel a lil upset reading that you think that… i really liked the video and i feel sad to hear that you didn’t… i feel kind of defensive about it…

    or just

    wow… i feel surprised and a lil bad



  162.  #162Simply Shannon on May 10, 2010 at 9:02 pm

    Funny – I was home with strep for Mother’s Day. Sleeping all day with no responsibilities felt good (even if my throat felt horrible).



  163.  #163Tallgirl10 on May 10, 2010 at 10:46 pm

    Question – can feeling comments also be the following in responce to a question???:

    Question: Are you available on Friday?
    Responce: I love the idea of XYZ

    Question: Do you want to eat at XYZ place?
    Responce: I think XYZ is a great idea

    These are still expressing how you feel, which is surrendering to how you feel without putting anything on the man. It is still honest.

    PS – he emailed me wishing me good luck on the end of my project, and asking me out for friday! He is really stepping up this time. I think the only difference is my attitude.

    I am loving this, and need to do more CD. More stallions in the corale!



  164.  #164dorothea on May 10, 2010 at 11:17 pm

    him: do you want to eat at xyz?
    you: ohh that feels like a brilliant idea!

    hheheh then he might get a little excited and be like yeah? you want to do that? and you say YES and smile of course!

    him: do you want to eat at someplaceudon’tactuallyfeellikegoingto?
    me: i don’t actually want to go there tomorrow. wow, whew, i feel so glad you asked if i wanted to!

    i love adding i feel so glad you asked, i feel thankful u ran the forming plans by me this time, it feels good to be asked how it sounds, whatever… it’s basically like…wow…u r so good at avoiding disaster or distress to me…instead of sending the message “you almost fucked up, grrr”.



  165.  #165Rori Raye on May 10, 2010 at 11:19 pm

    Tallgirl – tweaks – “I think” cannot be a feeling message – it has to have “I feel” right up front. And – you can’t love an “idea” – “It would feel good to see you on Friday…” “Ooooooo XYZ feels great…” Simple – and yet hard to do until you get the hang of it…just takes practice…Love, rori



  166.  #166Rori Raye on May 10, 2010 at 11:19 pm

    SS – Totally with you there…hope you’re feeling better – I am, but still feel “cozy” – Love, Rori



  167.  #167Rori Raye on May 10, 2010 at 11:21 pm

    Daria – I know how hard it is to help and be coach-like and still stay a part of the community and share in feeling messages – and I think you’re doing great with this…very helpful and soft…so thank you for tweaking for Alicia…Love, Rori



  168.  #168Rori Raye on May 10, 2010 at 11:25 pm

    Alicia, to chime in here with Daria – I think you are moving in SO the right direction – and what you’re saying here just pints out how hard it is for us all to stay away from judgments and opinions. I know we don’t want to be ‘bimbos” and have no “thoughts” – but just try it like this for as long as you can, as scrupulously as you can…if he “disses” someone, or the video, and it gets you riled up – say – the truth – I feel weird…the video felt fun to me…I really felt rockin and dancing to it…” if he disses YOU because YOU lied it…say “wow, I get that we disagree, but I just liked it in a feeling way…” In other words, steer totally CLEAR of opinion, description, explanation – all of that. Love, Rori



  169.  #169Rori Raye on May 10, 2010 at 11:28 pm

    Siena, the switching hats thing is really brilliant, and you can do it. The moment you stood there with a confused look on your face, because you were FEELING confused – you were doing it! You were, in that moment – totally girl! You didn’t have to do ANYTHING! Just respond to him…if he’s flirting, you smile big and make eye contact. If he asks you out, use feeling Messages…you can do it!! Love, Rori



  170.  #170Rori Raye on May 10, 2010 at 11:35 pm

    MARY – you are doing GREAT!!! All you need here is a slight change in perception. He’s being a man by asking you what you want to do. When he asks, he’s delegating – it’s your job then to say what feels good. So – YES – you need a list of places you want to be!! Being a girl is NOT about not knowing what you want…it’s about not trying to get a man to give you what you want by asking him for it. Can you see the difference? You can DO this…it’s not about being vague or dull or not wanting anything…it’s about saying how you feel… If a man asks you to figure something out…laugh – say – I’m just a girl here, and I’m new here…and I don’t want to figure things out!! Can you think of a way we can share this figuring out thing? I know it’s tricky – but once you land on the right formula (and it IS a formula at first) for you – you’ll find it all easy. Love, Rori



  171.  #171mary on May 11, 2010 at 12:09 am

    Mmmmmmm, Rori! I see what you mean.

    Thank you!

    Tomorrow is another day…



  172.  #172Daria on May 11, 2010 at 12:10 am

    AACK!!!

    I’ve been cooking and chillin wit my dad, and I just get back to my phone now and theres this text from Security!

    I feel excited!

    it says:

    Don mean to bother u. I know u go thru stuff wit ur fam so im lettin u know i still care 4 u an ta neva give up. Bye

    omgosh

    i feel good, and i feel afraid an a lil sad

    does he mean bye like… this is my goodbye message to u, never give up have a great life

    or does he mean

    this is my hello message to u i cant live without u and im feeling depressed and i love u

    i feel unsure

    i feel butterflies and tinglies

    omgosh

    i wish Rori would help me.

    Thank you Rori for the message above about the coaching, I feel reassured that you said it was soft and helpful

    I feel all lost like a total beginner!!! I’m practicing tweaking my stuff…

    realizing I often share my first feelings, defensiveness, anger, and don’t wait for the deeper feelings..

    for example if i were being attacked about liking a video i imagine i might be like: I feel furious!!! I don’t want to tolerate this.

    or soemthign like that

    and I fele concerned that i was trying to GET Security to give me calls and voicemails… instead of texts

    even though his texts feel good…

    or am i settling…

    is he delegating by wanting me to come to him? since i have a car? he’s only 15 min away… but no… I don’t want to be driving to him all the time… or do i care?

    i really don’t care, but i do care about having him lean back and get bored with me and leave me for another woman with higher standards…

    i feel so nervous and butterfly

    like Erykah Badu… u make me feel like an itty bitty girl, what you do to meee

    and now i feel like crying

    and im cryinnggggggg

    I feel sadddd

    I fel saddddd

    I want his love and I don’t kno what to dooo

    I feel afraid I will be rejected (like “late”) when he feels upset, and i don’t want that

    and i feel worried that like my standards are superhuman high…

    like basically i expect him to never withdraw or attack me EVER!! and i feel afraid that if he did it once he’d do it again

    oh i feel sadddddd

    i feel saddddddddddd

    i feel cryingggggg

    help me Rori



  173.  #173Daria on May 11, 2010 at 12:12 am

    Rori help me if you’re up reading… please…

    i feel so lost and sad



  174.  #174Daria on May 11, 2010 at 12:19 am

    Mary – I didn’t see your post earlier till now. Hugs!



  175.  #175Daria on May 11, 2010 at 12:27 am

    Ok. I would still lvoe to hear what Rori says if she gets a chance.

    I feel happy with myself.

    I decided to express how i feel and I feel pleased with how well I think i best expressed my feelings:

    Thank u. I felt excited to hear from u and good to get ur support and read taht you care… and aslo I feel really sad… I miss bein close to you and feelin safe so much

    ok. well.. i feel afraid.. am i trying to GET from him? IM not asking for antying by saying i miss him. right? right. thank you daria.

    ok

    the only thing is, my feeling messages are long… theyre like quadruple quintuple feeling messages…

    kiss … keep it simple seductionsexysensualsunray



  176.  #176Daria on May 11, 2010 at 12:43 am

    ok… hehe… i feel all relieved and lifted up to clouds and starsssss

    he texted me : i love to hold you!

    LOL!!

    and now anohter one: Anyway. u welcome

    haha… i feel amused

    i feel like yessss and running away now to be feeling pleased

    I feel like holding back on the response so that he has to call me (I don’t want to keep having text onlyl conversations)

    AND i don’t want to Hold Back as a strategy to get him to DO something…

    what if i say…

    ohhh it feels great to read that.. I’m feeling lifted up to the stars… and also i dont want to have so much text conversation

    ack that feels WEIRD to me like im freaking imposing my rigid BOX RULES again

    grrrr

    what do i DO??

    how do i handle that i feel so great he’s contacting me, and what im reading … BUT BUT BUT a tiny part of me feels annoyed that its just text, when what i want are calls, and actively finding ways (i looked it up online and tehres a secret bus no one knows about) to see me

    is he giving to me?

    yes

    i feel unsure

    resentful daria is coming thru

    I FEEL RESENTFUL YOU DONT FUCKIN COME SEE ME, OR CALL ME, YOU FREAKIN PUSHED ME AWAY LAST TIME, YOU MISSED THE CHANCE TO SEE ME AT THE LIBRARY!!!

    grrr!!!

    I FEEL PIST!!!

    help!!

    what do i do?

    i have resentful Daria… and shes talking in my head

    ok

    how do i feel in my nani

    i FELT lifted up to the stars, but now i feel unsure and a little lost

    ohhh i felt so good reading that… i felt lifted up to the stars… and now i feel like ive kinda come back down a little bit… and i feel kinda walled up…afraid to open up… and i dont want to feel this way… it feels weird

    ok. i guess thats the messge going thru

    Rori said Appreciate!!

    how come im getting these lil voices like

    something is wrong, this isnt enuf etc, when he’s GIVING to me

    I feel afraid of opening up and i’m finding lil things wrong like Christine Arylo was saying in the interview



  177.  #177Daria on May 11, 2010 at 12:52 am

    a part of me wants his text and a part of me wants to say no to just texts

    i hear you part that wants to say no to just texts. and i love you.. you deserve to be heard. im sorry for stuffing you down.

    and i hear you part that says it feels good.

    i feel confusemundo

    i get more by Appreciating

    and i get more by Not Tolerating

    am I tolerating?

    yes I’m tolerating having text convos instead of phone…

    but it feels good!

    does it?

    well it woul feel more good to get a call

    but this man mostly expresses himself in texts… why am i so involved in trying to get him to change

    i don’t have to do that

    so much effort

    i can answer texts when it feels good, and not when it doesnt

    but what if my answering texts leads him to not call, while by my not answering them he would call faster

    no it won’t work that way

    its about the vibe

    by me not trying to get him to do something by witholding communication (leaning back) im being in girl mode

    but i feel cranky that he’s not calling me and texting me instead

    i dont freakin call men, when they ask me to, isnt that delegating? like i will when they ask to one time, but if they’re like, just call me back when i call, so i dont have to leave a message, im like no i dont feel comfortable

    oops i feel lost in my head

    how do i feel

    i feel vulnerable and a bit sad

    do i feel glad hes contacting me?

    yes

    do i feel glad hes texting me instead of calling?

    secretly yes, i feel afraid of talking to him

    wow

    would i feel excited if he called?

    yes yes yes!!

    cuz id be getitng what i want

    ufff

    i feel lost



  178.  #178Daria on May 11, 2010 at 12:55 am

    ok wtf is this???

    he writes…

    well feel how you wanna feel. Im letting you now wassup. Aint like nobody think about you. Just letting you know

    it sounds like hes defensive

    I don’t know WHAT to do…

    im gonna practice and experiment.

    I wrote…

    oh that feels a bit weird… are you mad at me?



  179.  #179Daria on May 11, 2010 at 1:06 am

    He said no not at all.

    i said k

    i feel sleepy now.



  180.  #180mary on May 11, 2010 at 1:41 am

    i feel better.

    i saw some friends.

    thanks earth dancer.

    thanks rori. i feel relieved that i can delegate where i want to go and say what i want to do.

    !!!! yes!

    thanks daria.



  181.  #181mary on May 11, 2010 at 1:55 am

    i talked to Island Man. charming man with beautiful blue eyes!

    i really like him.

    he emails me through POF and the things he says are poetic. it’s almost seductive, the way he’s doing it! hooking me in…

    the problem is that soon-to-be-divorced man is soon to be divorced!

    what will happen if i love Island Man then?

    what will happen to Island Man if i choose divorcing man?

    is it fair? when “I JUST KNOW” about divorcing man?

    is it fair

    is it fair

    is it fair to Island Man?

    ????

    i’m making no promises. but my jaws are tired from smiling.

    Island Man is athletic. very into doing athletic things. i love that! LOVVVVVVVVVVE it!

    maybe i like him better than divorcing man!

    ahhhh. i’m ready to get married now. a man, please! the right man, please!

    please, please, please, please, pleeeeeeeease!

    if i was married i wouldn’t stay up all night.

    i do it because i can’t face my bed alone…

    ohhhhhhhh.

    time to go to sleep by myself.

    a man, please… !!! Please, God!

    !



  182.  #182Lynn on May 11, 2010 at 4:05 am

    Daria,

    I feel like I need to speak for him here about the txt. I have a writers soul and when technology and society went to txting..I felt elated!!! He expresses hisself easily and freely thru this form of talking. It is just as productive as an actual phone call but better for “us” kind of people. Please don’t discard this for him because that is leaning forward so far that he’s doin the limbo position:)



  183.  #183Lynn on May 11, 2010 at 5:31 am

    Mary,

    Slow down…I am lost…how many guys are you dating..I take it as two right?? I think Island guy sounds like he’s leaning forward and because your torn between deciding “who”…it is causing you to lean back from him…but you seem to be leaning into the other guy more so…and he’s leaning back. Am I all confused or is this correct…help me out Ladies.
    Also you guys really have a great network here…I love the support and good constructive crit. going on..it is a God send for me…



  184.  #184Brenda on May 11, 2010 at 5:55 am

    Daria, RE: #150 About wanting a man to call, not text, etc.

    What Christian Carter says is HOW you present it makes all the difference. He gave this example, “You want to know what really turns me on? Oh, I just love it when you do this!” Rave about it and he’ll be on the edge of his seat how he can please you more. So you get him in suspense, then tell him, and it makes it fun and happy, not blaming. Of course a phone call isn’t something that really turns you on, but I am suggesting you could take this principle and mold it.

    Maybe something like, “You know what I really miss? You used to call me a lot, and I really enjoyed talking on the phone with you. It is so personal compared to texting.”

    Another thing Christian Carter says is, “I like it when a man calls me.” rather than, “I wish you would call me instead of texting me.” Just a more positive way to express your wants.

    I think Rori would probably put it in feelings messages, something like, “I feel disconnected with texting.” How do you feel about that, Daria?

    Also, about goodbyes. It’s not so much that I wanted a goodbye from you. Maybe I just didn’t feel closure on several of our calls. Also, you gave me your email address and I wonder if you received my emails. Not trying to be a pest, just wasn’t sure where you are at with me.

    Not talking about me now, but do you know why goodbyes trigger you? Some people feel self-conscious. Is that true with you?



  185.  #185Brenda on May 11, 2010 at 6:05 am

    Mary, RE: #152 – Hi, sorry you are feeling sad. Where are you from? It can be hard relocating. I felt lost when I moved to Phoenix, AZ in 1996, and I immediately went back to those feelings when I read your post.

    I hope you don’t let the callous statements of one man ruin your joy in life. Maybe HE wants input, but you are you and you just be you. I had a desert experience in AZ in more than just the physical sense, but all in all, it became a good adventure, and I treasure many of my memories of my 2.5 yrs there. I wish you the best!

    Siena, RE: #156 – Thanks for sharing! I feel the same way, that I want a man to take care of me, that I don’t want to have to operate in my boy energy anymore. I’ve been alone most of my life. I have moved whole households by myself twice.

    I wonder what the solution is? I would feel better if i were doing a job that used feminine energy more, like I used to take care of mentally handicapped kids. But it just didn’t pay enuff to live on.

    I don’t have the answers, but I just want you to know I really relate to your comments.



  186.  #186Brenda on May 11, 2010 at 6:10 am

    Jessie, RE: #157 – Nasty Housemate

    Whew, Jessie, that’s rough. So sorry you are dealing with such a nasty person in your home. I used to live with a housemate who was an elderly man and an alcoholic. He played his radio 24 hrs a day, and he was a control freak. He left the toilet all icky every day, and I had to clean it every time before I used it.

    I put up with him for 1.5 yrs, because it was cheap and it was on 65 acres with a lake. But I proved true the verse in Proverbs: “Better a dry crust on the roof of a house than a mansion with feasting, and strife.”

    Never again!



  187.  #187Brenda on May 11, 2010 at 6:13 am

    Lynn, RE: #158 – Here’s how I started to learn to love myself years ago…

    I read a self-help book that said to look in the mirror every day and say, “I love you and accept you exactly the way you are.”

    The first couple times I did it, I started crying. I still struggle with self-esteem, but I have come a long way. Another thing I do to love myself is to treat myself like I am my own lover. I mean this in strictly a healthy way. I fantasize that I am with my dream man, and what he is saying to me and how he is touching me. And I touch myself as I do it. That’s a little intimate to share, but how we all need touch. I wasn’t touched most of my life hardly at all. It has been very healing.



  188.  #188Brenda on May 11, 2010 at 6:28 am

    Daria, RE: #177 – You said, “Thank u. I felt excited to hear from u and good to get ur support and read taht you care… and aslo I feel really sad… I miss bein close to you and feelin safe so much”

    I think it’s perfect! How I appreciate ALL your feeling messages! You rock!



  189.  #189Brenda on May 11, 2010 at 6:41 am

    Daria, RE: #179 – Texting vs. Calling

    I feel this is one of those cases like Siena was talking bout yesterday where in the past she squealched her feelings to avoid turning a man off with “drama”. I feel you: you like it that he’s texting, but you really would prefer if he would call.

    Isn’t this a case where in some way he should know how you feel about that? It bothers me, too, when a man ONLY texts. I LIKE texting, but only some of the time. NOT telling him isn’t being true to your feelings, right?

    I mean, I’m half asking you cuz you are more grounded in this stuff than me. I feel confused about some of it. I really, really like Rori’s style of relating. I WANT to learn it and become second nature with it.

    Now to sort of shift the topic, I’m feeling confused about how to deal with my deep, dark feelings. The whole idea here on Siren Island is to express happy, feminine feelings to a man, and that attracts them. It is a turn-off to men when they sense we are needy, etc.

    Where my confusion lies is dammit, I AM needy. I DO have low self-esteem. It’s something I can’t hide past a certain point in a friendship with a man. I will work the tools and be smiley and bubbly and then when my attraction really sinks in for a certain man, the needy, sad feelings arise.

    I am packing a reservoir of pain, all mixed in with a reservoir of love. How do I be a delicious siren when I’m flooded with pain? Neediness? Poor self-esteem? To not voice THOSE yucky feelings feels not true to myself.

    I don’t WANT to KEEP those feelings, but that’s where I’m at, and I love those feelings. I want to transform fully into the sireny goddess I am deep down inside. Hhmmph.

    I feel frustrated with myself. My baby steps feel like a fart in a windstorm. 🙁 LOL!



  190.  #190Brenda on May 11, 2010 at 6:47 am

    Mary, RE: #183 – I know it’s a challenge to juggle more than one man. If we are honest with each of them, in not making a commitment and/or exclusivity, then it’s not unfair to them. We don’t know the future. Rori encourages us to circular date right up until we have a ring on our finger! After what I went thru last year, she made a believer out of me! I really trust her methods! She’s one smart lady!



  191.  #191Brenda on May 11, 2010 at 7:26 am

    Lucy, RE: #272 of the “Junkie” string…on hair color

    One time I got my hair just highlighted with blonde, and it turned it into straw. The blonde just strips a lot more life out of the hair than browns. I think it pretty much bleaches it. So it looked pretty, but it didn’t feel soft and healthy.



  192.  #192Simply Shannon on May 11, 2010 at 8:37 am

    Daria: I am struggling with this whole texting/ emailing/ electronic communication thing right now too. Mr. Fab Kisser is asking me all kinds of questions about why I suddenly will not respond to text messages. I just wrote this in email this morning…

    I feel weird but I know me and me says that I feel yucky communicating by text and email. Both feel okay for occasional information exchange but nothing more. It feels overwhelming to make sure that I’ve answered everything that’s mentioned. Know what I mean? I started doing that with this email [i was responding to his email], and then I felt overwhelmed and decided to delete my response. Granted I can’t talk right now [laryngitis from the strep] so that was probably not the smartest thing for me to do but oh well. 🙂

    It feels much better to talk instead of write. And I feel special when I’m spoken to more so than when I’m texted or emailed. What do you think?

    His response:

    I totally understand but during the day I cannot call. [He’s a teacher.] So I will try to do a better job of calling except during the day. When I think of things, I will email. Can you live with that? Also, I am still unsure about calling you ALL the time. I don’t want to infringe on your dinner or time with the boys or even some free time you might have. So will you help me work on that? I don’t know if it means we have a scheduled time or day or what (I don’t mind getting calls at any time, I just feel weird doing the calling). I just know I want to communicate with you every day.
    – – – – – –
    Both of our replies are super long, so I’m going to modify my approach and stick to short responses from now on.

    Note to self: People don’t talk like this in person. Nobody speaks a whole paragraph at a time. 🙂 I feel amused at myself!



  193.  #193tinque on May 11, 2010 at 8:39 am

    Brenda – It seems to me you are a little stuck in habit. We all have bits inside that are insecure, needy, clingy, etc. And at times these bits are more prevalent. It’s okay, and you can even express these things to others. “I’m feeling insecure [about…]” “A hug would feel SO good right now.”
    But from all I have read from you since you’ve been participating is that you are not as riddled with these things as you seem to believe. Your belief system about you has become in part your habit.
    Try shifting these thoughts. You have already by telling yourself you love yourself just as you are when you pass a mirror. Keep doing this.
    And every time those habitual thoughts (or gremlin voices) grab you, turn away from them, laugh at them, ignore them, put them in a corner, and give them a cookie as Rori used to tell me, and hand them the tape that loops over and over again in your brain.
    Now embrace that shaky part of you inside and love her too.
    You are much stronger and softer than you seem to believe about yourself. It rings out loud and clear here.
    Yes you are still learning. That’s life. Hopefully we all continue to learn.
    Yes you will make “mistakes”. We all do, but I don’t like to look at them as mistakes. They too are prefect just as they are, messages, learning experiences, vehicles for growth.
    I hope this helps.
    xxoo



  194.  #194Simply Shannon on May 11, 2010 at 8:41 am

    And I’m trying to stop feeling afraid about not replying to every single text message. I’m practicing on Mr. Fab Kisser because I know he loves me and I know he’ll eventually call. 🙂 And I’m practicing on Mr. Masculine Man. He texts me jokes and sent me a “Happy Mother’s Day” but I did not reply to them.

    Another thing is that I have stopped sending texts. I call people when I want to talk. And I don’t send them texts saying “can I call?” Hahaha!



  195.  #195Simply Shannon on May 11, 2010 at 8:46 am

    And I realize Rori was saying to appreciate what you’ve been given from a man no matter what it is.

    Okay…

    I can appreciate that he thought of me for the two seconds it took to write me a text. And I can enjoy the happiness I felt for the two seconds it took me to read it but then I feel bad that I’m not hearing from him regularly. And since I don’t want to feel that way, I don’t want to reply and continue on the conversation by text or email. I want to enjoy those two seconds and move on to something else that feels good. So unless he’s asking me something specific, the response is either a) silence, b) “thank you”, or c) “I would feel happy to talk with you about that sometime”.



  196.  #196Simply Shannon on May 11, 2010 at 9:00 am

    Brenda: I wholeheartedly agree with Tinque. And just so you know, I’m a big ball of needy too!! When I read your message, this line stuck out for me…

    The whole idea here on Siren Island is to express happy, feminine feelings to a man, and that attracts them. It is a turn-off to men when they sense we are needy, etc.

    The whole idea is to express ALL feminine feelings to a man, NOT just the happy ones. Saying “I feel insecure” or “I feel sad” is not needy. NOT saying those things and then act like everything is fine while slamming doors and secretly checking his phone for text messages from other women IS needy. Do you see what I’m saying? And I’ve done all of that before. So yup – I’m needy too. I wave the white flat in surrender. 🙂



  197.  #197Brenda on May 11, 2010 at 9:02 am

    Simply Shannon, the way you handled the texting was excellent! I really like it! And the way he responded was really nice, too! He sounds really sensitive and caring! Thanks for sharing!

    Tinque, yes, what you said helps, and I will use that. I may appear strong in here, but there is a lot I haven’t shared with you all yet, and I don’t feel all the way safe. I feel vulnerable and embarrassed about parts of myself.

    Fundamentally, I am wracked with pain still over Ryan’s fake proposal last July. The pain inside erupts now and then, and visualizations like you just gave me and like the flower floating in the sky in Rori’s string about feeling weak really help. I will go home and close my eyes and work with those tools.

    But this fake proposal is the most traumatic, painful thing I have ever gone thru. My deepest desire (next to God) all my life has been to be a wife. I feel so shredded in my heart that when MY crowning moment finally came, it was nothing but a cruel, sadistic joke.

    He could have gotten me fired; stole my car; and gotten me evicted all in one day and it wouldn’t have hurt as much as stealing my joy, hopes, and dreams. Everything that mattered to me was so abruptly shattered, right on the heels, within days, of him writing a breathtaking poem with me, line by line, the most romantic thing a man has ever done with me. We had shared SO MUCH for months, and he totally led up to an engagement with liberal hints about a ring and deepening the relationship. I have never been so in love in my life.

    I know everyone here is sick of me talking about Ryan, so I haven’t been talking about him. But I am so broken inside, and floating flowers only take me so long when I am crying an ocean inside.



  198.  #198Brenda on May 11, 2010 at 9:09 am

    Simply Shannon, thank you for your encouragement. I know we are good to say, “I feel insecure.” I do forget that sometimes, but yes, I have heard Rori say that on her CDs. My issue is my whole persona comes leaking out thru my face. I was feeling on top of things with Bill at first. Now that he’s beginning to show his attraction, that clinging needy thing is coming out in my face, and I know it, cuz I feel it. I don’t want to mess up another relationship! So far today I did well. He emailed me that he won’t be at work today and asked if I could lead the meeting in his place. I simply responded, “All right, no problem.” For me, that’s progress, based on the responses you ladies gave me yesterday that I was leaning forward even in subtle ways I wasn’t previously aware of.

    Here’s another question…what if you express your feelings and he doesn’t respond? Like you let him know in whatever way that you don’t feel comfortable with texts and he just stays silent?



  199.  #199Brenda on May 11, 2010 at 9:12 am

    Bill is going on a cruise to the Middle East the first two weeks of June. I asked him which cities, and I stopped short of asking him if he was traveling alone. I thot that is too much of a loaded question. I wish so much I was going with him. He asked me about my benefits with the employment agency, and I told him they’re pretty much nonexistent. I wondered if he was feeling me out to see if I’d be able to go with him, but it was probably wishful thinking.

    I feel curious and, I admit, longing. It would be nice to fantasize about being there with him rather than think about him being there with a woman. Do you think I did right in not asking him if he is traveling alone? Would it be appropriate to feel him out on that?



  200.  #200Simply Shannon on May 11, 2010 at 9:14 am

    And I wanted to mention something about the Bill emails from yesterday. I want you to “get this” so that you can go deeper. I have had so many conversations just like you wrote. Seriously all the time. I still do this, and then whack my head at the opportunity I missed. Imagine if you had said “I feel bored” at the beginning of that convo (just after you went thru the boy stuff you needed done for work – which is fine btw). He would likely ask you why and you would go deeper. Can you imagine that conversation?

    The difference I see in the original conversation is that it’s light, surface stuff. Do you see that? It’s funny and that feels fun and playful and airy, which is “enough” sometimes. But what would it feel like to go deeper? Maybe it feels a little scary because I have to share more of myself then just a joke or two to keep the conversation going.

    I’m still experimenting with this. Trying to start as many statements with “I feel” when I’m talking. It feels weird when I do it but I am starting to actually learn about other people and who they really are! Before I was getting mostly surface stuff. And this is what MOST people get MOST of the time. It’s like those people who live beside serial killers and on TV they say “he was always the nicest man”. That’s probably because they only joked around with him or asked him “how are you doing Bob?” “I’m fine Jim.” Ya know?? LOL!



  201.  #201Brenda on May 11, 2010 at 9:16 am

    Shannon, I REALLLLLY like that, “I feel bored”! Thank you! That is how I was feeling!



  202.  #202Simply Shannon on May 11, 2010 at 9:28 am

    Brenda: I wish I could hug you and shake you. I have been in the same place girl! You are NOT that broken or that weird or that unique in your pain. We all need healing. ALL OF US. I got divorced from an alcoholic, a man who cheated on me, when I had 1 year old twin boys. And afterwards, I had a string of boyfriends who were users in every sense of the word. The last major boyfriend I had (A) cheated on me by sleeping with an ex girlfriend. I really thought he was the one. I still think about him every single day (and we broke up back in October of last year!).

    I still love myself! EVEN WHEN I FUCK UP. It is okay for you to feel sad when you think about Ryan. It is okay to feel mad that you are still waiting for a forever lover. I know I am!

    Brenda, I know you want to say that what you write here isn’t the real you. I think the same thing about myself! Like what a hypocrite I am sometimes! But I just keep going, babystepping my way through this. Letting my words here leak into my brain drip by drip until I get it. Until I’m DOING what I’m SAYING here. It’s a process. It will ALWAYS be a process.

    You are doing so great. You are peeling the onion, one layer at a time.



  203.  #203tinque on May 11, 2010 at 9:29 am

    “there is a lot I haven’t shared with you all yet, and I don’t feel all the way safe. I feel vulnerable and embarrassed about parts of myself.”

    so does every single person on the planet, male and female alike. we ALL feel like this at times, even the seemingly most confident and together individual.
    we all have stories, have been damaged to one degree or another. we all have been hurt, devastated even.
    I don’t want to dismiss your feelings or diminish them, yet I want to encourage you to keep doing what you are doing and working (playing) to let this stuff go. It only gets in your way.
    Yes these things feel bad, leave scars, but they can also be your friends, reminders from where you’ve come.
    xxoo



  204.  #204Jennifer on May 11, 2010 at 9:39 am

    I feel ewwwwwwwwww………..
    I (apparently) have a date that my friend set up for me on friday night. With a guy named J. No last name and no phone call yet.
    I don’t like that.
    I texted her twice to get this guy’s name so I know who he is when he calls, and I got no response. I facebooked and voice mailed her as well.
    I feel annoyed. WTF?!!?!?!?!??!
    Today is tuesday. I don’t want to get a call past wed for a date on friday. That feels disrespectful of my time.
    I feel annoyed at my friend for not getting back to me. I actually texted her “do I have a date fri night?” She texted back “I’m thinkin so” but no reply to the request for buddy’s last name.
    EWWWWWWWWWWW……………….
    I want to feel like “whatever” and just wait and see. But I don’t.
    I feel annoyed.
    If I’m not going out on friday…I can make other plans.



  205.  #205Simply Shannon on May 11, 2010 at 9:40 am

    Brenda: If a man stops responding, then he stops responding. Not talking is a pretty clear answer, right? NEXT.

    As to Bill, it totally depends. Asking him if he’s traveling alone feels awkward to me if I’m asking to satisfy my insecurity that he’s not seeing someone else. Does that make sense? Conversely you could say something like “Wow. I feel jealous. Traveling to the Middle East would feel amazing and a little scary. Are you traveling alone? I wouldn’t want to travel alone. I wouldn’t feel safe.” Do you see the difference? One way is asking to get something from a man (reassurance) and the other is sharing what you would or wouldn’t do.

    This feels fun. It is amazing to me the differences that words can make. And really it’s the attitude behind the words. Fascinating.

    Okay, back to work for me. Ta-ta! Shannon



  206.  #206Brenda on May 11, 2010 at 9:46 am

    Shannon and Tinque, thank you so much! I feel really warm and comforted with your responses. Yes, I know we all have broken and hidden places. I wasn’t saying this isn’t the real me on here, because it is. But like Shannon just said, “Letting my words here leak into my brain drip by drip until I get it. Until I’m DOING what I’m SAYING here.” I can think and talk the walk but I’m not yet walking the walk. Like, maybe some of you would want to kick me to the curb when I tell you I texted and called Ryan last night. And no, he didn’t respond, and I didn’t expect him to respond. That’s how fucked up I am.

    I have a close friend who is a mental health professional with a degree in special education. She worked with mentally handicapped children in the past, and she works with Alzheimers seniors now. I asked her last night if I feel insane when I feel so lonely, does that mean I’m insane?

    I got a kick out of her answer: “There are two kinds of people: those who belong in insane asylums and know it and those who belong in insane asylums and don’t know it!” LOL!

    Inotherwords, we are ALL dysfunctional. We ALL have emotional damage. So I will keep trying to be patient with the process, but right now I feel impatient with the process. I want to be who I am deep inside: whole, complete, and lacking nothing.

    What concerns me is sometimes I hit rock bottom, when I feel like I’m in the vortex of the depression that sucks me back into the blackhole of loneliness from which I came. I live for decades lost in there, not even consciously aware I was profoundly lonely.

    Last night was one of those times. All I can do when I get like that is curl up in bed and cuddle with my dogs. I made phone call after phone call, and few of my friends were available. I finally got hold of Frances late last night, the friend to whom I just referred. When she first called me back, she asked me if I was drunk. No, I wasn’t. I was deep in pain and depression. It affected me that much. Ugh!

    I feel better today, but I’m not functioning too well at work, which is why I’m on Siren Island.

    Shannon, I really appreciate your realness. I really relate to you.



  207.  #207Brenda on May 11, 2010 at 9:50 am

    Shannon, I like how you suggested asking about Bill’s travel plans. I was wanting to know more for wanting to go with him than out of insecurity about another woman. I guess it sounded that way the way I said it.

    Yes, it’s fascinating how to communicate. It’s not what you say, but how you say it. And it’s purposeful, to communicate clearly and positively. That’s healthy! Thank you so much for your feedback! It really helps!



  208.  #208Simply Shannon on May 11, 2010 at 9:50 am

    Jennifer: Okay, you say you would feel bad waiting past Wednesday. Your friend knows you want to know. Maybe give her a chance to surprise you. It’s Tuesday, so she’s got one more day before you go past your comfort zone. I would feel flattered for a friend to set me up! Yes, it feels a bit messy because I’m not in control of it. It’s truly a blind date as opposed to seeing pics online and that feels kinds of scary. Hmmm. Interesting.

    So tomorrow, if my friend hasn’t called me, I would say “I feel annoyed. I would feel better knowing the plan for Friday. I don’t want to wait until the last minute. What do you think?”

    And if she waits (or he waits) to call past Wednesday, then I’d make other plans. When I got the call, I would probably say “I feel bummed but I already made other plans. Maybe some other time?”



  209.  #209Jennifer on May 11, 2010 at 9:59 am

    SS,
    you’re right of course. My friend wants me to go out.
    I have trust issuses. I still expect other women to randomly be mean to me like they were in highschool. But I KNOW she wouldn’t do that.
    Why do women do that to one another anyway? Even now, some women are soooooooo catty. We were out at the bar, my friend and I and some woman came up and started calling her horrible names. Saying she was trying to dance with every guy in the place (not true she only danced with me) and she was a whore and should be ashamed because she had children at home……………WTF?!?!?!?!
    Sometimes I wonder if some people NEVER leave highschool.



  210.  #210Siena on May 11, 2010 at 10:04 am

    Brenda, I love to hear what SS and Tinque are telling you! They are so right!

    Also, this *is* the place to spill everything about Ryan … as far as it relates to your feelings!

    In other words, how you feel about how things happened/are happening is important to get out, and here is the place to do it.

    But figuring out why he did/said something doesn’t feel good here, and eventually a Siren (like myself) will speak up and try to shift the convo from “why did he do that” to “how do I feel about that”.

    But I’ve talked about exes here until I’m tired of talking about them. And it’s totally cathartic.

    Don’t hold it in!

    BTW, a “fake” proposal feels totally gross and makes my heart ache. I can feel my heart hurting even to think what that might have been like. Hugs!



  211.  #211Brenda on May 11, 2010 at 10:07 am

    Jennifer, I think the catty women are the ones who haven’t learned how to express themselves in feeling messages! 🙂 Maybe you could practice your judo on them! LOL!



  212.  #212Siena on May 11, 2010 at 10:08 am

    I feel really encouraged by what Rori wrote to me, thank you!

    It made me realize that I don’t have to try to be a girl. It’s what I am naturally.

    I know that sounds really really lame and duh, but (hehe) it’s true! I’ve felt so disconnected from *myself* that I was struggling to find my *girl*, but I realized that I can find her when I don’t think about it.

    Light bulb.



  213.  #213Brenda on May 11, 2010 at 10:20 am

    Siena, you are so sweet! And I want you to change your name to Siena, cuz it fits you so well! 🙂 Even tho I know your real name, I still think of you as Siena! LOL!

    You’re right, it is cathartic to spill my guts. But I feel intimidated sometimes when people get annoyed with my posts. I will spill my guts when I need to, but I am going to try to move on in bits and pieces. Mainly my soul is still screaming “WHY???” It’s a question that may never be answered, and I know you are right, that it is more productive to process how I feel than “What was he thinking??” Like I told him, he built a beautiful castle (ie, the relationship) and then tore it down.

    If he would come to me and talk my ear off for an hour as to the whys of his whys, I think it would take me light years towards healing. That’s why sometimes I tend to explore what he was thinking and why he did it.

    But I have tried to go there with him repeatedly, and mostly all I get is, “You are delusional. I never led you on. I told you, it’s a friendship. It’s all in your head.” But there are a hundred things he said and did that I could share that would easily prove I didn’t make this up in my head.

    So since I don’t know what was going on inside him, I will choose to focus on processing my feelings. I have learned to distrust at the deepest level, and that’s sad. I feel abandoned by him. I felt so connected to him last year that he was like an extension of my heart. I let him in to my heart-of-hearts that I never voiced to another human being in my life. He was so affirming at every turn, and we shared such harmony. I never dreamed he would take my love and use it as a weapon to attack my heart.

    My heart, even tho it feels mortally wounded, still reaches out to him in my lonely moments, wanting him to understand and help me understand, as he did so many times with his genius intelligence. I can’t begin to relate to Kenny at the level I could Ryan.

    It was like I was from another planet, and after wandering around for decades wondering why I didn’t fit in, I finally found another alien like me. For the first time, I felt fully understood. I feel baffled to the point of shock that the man who agreed with me that he was my Soul Mate would just drop me cold.



  214.  #214Brenda on May 11, 2010 at 10:23 am

    Siena, please don’t put yourself down, even to say your words sound lame and dumb. No, they don’t. I had an “aha!” moment, too, when I read Rori’s response to you.

    One thing I think is cool is I read women have an easier time switching between emotions and logic than men. For example, I can easily concentrate on a book while holding hands with a man. Just the way they are wired, men need more time to shift gears between logic and emotion. Just fun to play with thoughts like that!

    I get a kick out of it when I interchange thots and feelings midstream and see a man a little off-kilter, trying to keep up with me! LOL! Rascally Bren!



  215.  #215Siena on May 11, 2010 at 10:33 am

    Bren, I didn’t mean to put myself down. I love me!

    Here’s how I feel when I read about you and R:

    All those things that you feel are missing because R took them away. It’s so obvious to me that he went away so that you would find those things within yourself, and become your own hero.

    That feels really scary to me to even think about, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t share my life with a man. It just means that I don’t depend on him to make me feel those things (secure, desired, trusting).

    …and, if you could think of it this way: that every person who is brought into our life is hired by us to make us feel a certain way.

    That’s a WAY out there statement, but if you sit with it for a while, hopefully it will ring true.

    So R was just a hired hand. Hired by you, because at the time that is all you believed you deserved.

    But that’s changed, and the next man who is lucky enough to even get your heart to take notice will be a million times better than R. Because YOU’LL be a million times better, and bring someone into your life who is deserving of you so that you can feel good.

    I know this is true. I feel it in my bones.



  216.  #216Brenda on May 11, 2010 at 10:43 am

    Siena, that seriously helps! That gives me an entirely new framework on which to hang my feelings! That is completely different than how I was looking at it! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

    Okay, girl, here you go: how about a career as a counselor? That would use your girl energy full time! 🙂 Because you just helped me more than my counselor in 8 months of counseling!

    THANK YOU!



  217.  #217Siena on May 11, 2010 at 10:47 am

    hehe, thanks Bren! Naw, I don’t want to counsel, I don’t want another career. I want to sit in my castle and eat bon bons and keep a garden and write a book and feel like a princess/queen/goddess with my studly husband and our beautiful children.

    But it feels good to know that it helped you. It helped me reframe things a few months back also!



  218.  #218Apple Jacks on May 11, 2010 at 10:47 am

    Bren, don’t you dare say people are annoyed by your posts! We love you on here. I fee a beautiful sweet, vulnerable softness from you as I feel pretty sure others do as well.

    Siena I feel you when you say that you struggled to find your inner girl, but with Rori’s advice and help you realize you don’t have to try to be it, it’s what you are. YAY! That felt good to read.



  219.  #219Brenda on May 11, 2010 at 10:53 am

    Siena, I understand. I’d like to write, too. Reading and writing these days feel like luxuries! I indulge in that luxury on Siren Island, but few other places! You’d be a good writer! What would your first book be about? Mine would be a romance novel! I already wrote the first 7 pages!!

    Apple Jacks, thank you! That means a lot to me. I really like it here.



  220.  #220Jennifer on May 11, 2010 at 10:54 am

    OOOOOHHHHHH…this is GOOOD!!!!
    I did this stuff with B. Terrible behaviour, nasty results.
    I wanna be the bitch. Bitches are fun.

    http://lifestyle.ca.msn.com/love-sex-relationships/hearst-article.aspx?cp-documentid=24117251



  221.  #221Ankita on May 11, 2010 at 11:39 am

    I am feeling pissed off…
    I am feeling mad.

    I am feeling bad.
    I am feeling upset.

    I saw my ex’s gf on FB and I feel so bad.

    My ex sent me add request on yahoo after I told him that I don’t want to be in contact with him anymore. I don’t know if it went out itself (which perhaps never happens), or he deliberately sent it.

    Whatever be the reason, I rejected it on both of my id’s.

    I am feeling mad.

    Whenever I see her, I feel like a loser, (though I know that’s not the case, because I deserve someone better than him.. Whatever happens, happens for good…)

    I don’t like to feel this way…

    Whenever I see her, my blood boils. I feel angry. I feel hatred towards her.

    I feel like she was the one responsible for my heartbreak. (Though perhaps she wasn’t. My guy cheated on me. She came to know about us a long time after we broke up.)

    I want to fist my hands on wall the moment I see her.

    At times I feel like thrashing my ex and her, too.

    I feel angry…

    So angry….

    I don’t like feeling this way.

    I wanna shout my heart loud…

    I feel angry.

    I feel hurtful. All my past wounds freshen up.

    I want to be preferred over her… by everyone….

    I am feeling so angry….

    Uggghhhhhhh……

    I am feeling pissed off….

    Am feeling vulnerable…..

    Feeling lost…!!



  222.  #222Simply Shannon on May 11, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    Randomness…

    Has anyone seen Jessica Simpson’s show called “The Price of Beauty”? The show is fascinating to me. It’s basically showing the world what women do to achieve their definition of beauty. Some of it is goofy (in Jessica’s silly way), but mainly it feels real and very eye opening for me.



  223.  #223Simply Shannon on May 11, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    Ankita: So now you have experienced the feeling, the anger. Now, tell us what you don’t want. And then go do something that feels fun to you. I think Rori calls it her Channeling List. A list of fun things that you love to do.

    for starters – I feel so angry when I see my ex’s GF on Facebook. I don’t want to see her or him on FB. Maybe it’s unfriend time?



  224.  #224Apple Jacks on May 11, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    SS I have seen that show and I loved it. My favorite episodes were India, Morocco and I can’t remember which other country but there was one lol. I enjoyed that show quite a bit.



  225.  #225Lucy on May 11, 2010 at 1:40 pm

    Tinque, I love what you wrote to Brenda (#195).

    I like the idea of giving a cookie. 🙂



  226.  #226Lucy on May 11, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    Jennifer — Thanks for the great article! I especially liked this: “Focus on the stuff your guy does right (rather than what he’s not doing), and you’ll strengthen — not sabotage — your love connection.”



  227.  #227Ann on May 11, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    Happy Belated Moms Day to all!! The way I look at it Rori, it is time we give ourselves permissions slips to be whoever we need to be, when we need to be it. To lose ourselves in what others think is so self-defeating…so let it go, enjoy the day, have a whine or two and get on with it! Too much abundance to feel sorry for ones self!!
    Love your stuff and thanks!



  228.  #228Lucy on May 11, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    Daria — I feel absolutely GREAT reading your posts on this thread!!! I feel happy reading what you are sharing with other sirens about their situations and also what you are processing for yourself.

    I feel intrigued by the one you wrote about those statements being feminine rockstar…

    I see now that that’s exactly how I started out with TN man — it was not a dating type connection, he had just fb friend-requested me, and I had NO expectations, agenda, attachment to outcome, etc. I totally did NOT expect anything to come of our connection at that point, and so I totally rock-starred it (without knowing that’s what I was doing, this was just before finding Rori’s stuff)…

    and he just ate it up, saying things like, “You’re a crazy chick — but I like it!”

    BUT…. somewhere along the way, he said that he is starting to feel like he wants to come see me….

    And THAT made me think Oh! wow! Maybe something really could come of this!!!

    And that was probably when I shifted out of rockstar. 🙁

    What do you think?



  229.  #229Lucy on May 11, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    The local 25 y o just im’d me and wants to know if I have thought any more about getting together — for anything…. a date, friendship, sex — he wants whatever I am open to, but he really has been pushing for sex.

    I found myself writing this:

    “I realized that in my deepest heart I don’t really want to have sex any more until I am married again. Well, I want to physically…but emotionally I really don’t want to…”

    So he writes, “what if we just hang out and see how it goes?”

    Haha.



  230.  #230Lucy on May 11, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    LOL! He just wrote, “What if I offered you exclusive friends with benefits?”

    Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!



  231.  #231Daria on May 11, 2010 at 3:04 pm

    so what happend that nite… last nite…

    was he wrote 143

    and i wrote

    nite nite. it would feel good to hear your voice… what do you think?

    and i never got an answer

    and i did it as an experiment, and then i felt a lil bad and a lil mad at him…

    i guess i was asking something to get something (energetically)

    even tho i just said it would fele nice… the truth of it was actually: call me

    and then in the morning i didnt have calls or texts from him

    and also im wondering (thinking) if he didnt feel miffed that i didnt 143 back… thinking hes so sensitive and miffy like that… and i dnot like that

    so im really not even gonna worry about that

    i felt kina disappointed not to hear from him…

    and i don’t know

    i feel pist at not “getting it” right now

    like im not getting

    the Appreciation (for romantic feeling texts) vs. what I don’t want… mostly texting vs. calling

    he has said he is better at writing than talking

    but

    at the beginning of us talking he would text and i would ignore it, and then he eventually called… and then he called pretty regularly

    so i dono

    i feel sad

    thinking about it

    so i will now shift my thinking

    to something that makes me fele good



  232.  #232Daria on May 11, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    at first the Rori interviews would confuse me, because some of the people had other ideas than Rori, but now i feel glad and I feel refreshed and excited listening to them



  233.  #233Rori Raye on May 11, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    Ann, Welcome, and thank you for your lovely comment…Love, Rori



  234.  #234Daria on May 11, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    I’m feeling so good mellowing awaiting my period – i went to acupuncture and i feel it hehe…

    AND uploading my Rori interviews on my itouch

    heres the good part

    WITH PICTURES of the woman being interviewed as the album cover… i feel so happy and personal to see these women!

    and i feel happy to feel so good to see them, and not tightened up and judging…

    just loved

    mmm



  235.  #235Daria on May 11, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    There is BLOOD!!! wooo hoooooooo!!!!

    time to update the blog iwth a picture of celebration



  236.  #236Apple Jacks on May 11, 2010 at 4:31 pm

    YAAAAAAAYYYYYYY Daria! Sure took long enough, LOL! I feel happy for you!!!



  237.  #237Ankita on May 12, 2010 at 12:47 am

    @ Shannon,

    Post No. # 225

    I don’t wanna be 2nd to anyone. I always wish to be preferred over “the other woman”. I want to be the best “ME” possible.

    The last thing I want in my life is that pain-giving person.

    3 years ago, we lost our virginity with each other. I regret it. He really wasn’t worth it. In fact, the 3rd time we had sex, he almost raped me, as I wasn’t ready for sex and was in kirchen. He just picked me up, threw me on bed. & as I CRIED in pain, he felt AMUSED. He later told me that he enjoyed my shouting in pain, & that he loved to fuck me forcibly. And my condition would be terrible after that. And he felt MANLY.

    It was A BIG RED FLAG which I ignored in my doormat days.

    Am not going to accept this kind of man ever again in my life.

    I want him to regret losing me, for the whole of his life.

    I want to think that he was the DUMBEST person ever to let me go.

    I don’t want even a single day of his life to pass without him thinking of me, till he is alive..

    I want to stay in his subconscious mind, even without his knowledge.

    I want my thoughts to take him away from everything else, even his family, and his doting gf who may later turn his wife.

    I don’t want him to be in my life, but I want him to regret, forever…

    Our relation was never like the one I ever wanted, but in my those doormat days, I did invest so much emotionally & physically, just to make it work, that I want something back.

    Ugghhhhhh….



  238.  #238Ankita on May 12, 2010 at 12:47 am

    @Shannon….

    More….

    And I have made the list of things which make me feel good…

    They are….

    1) Getting drenched in rain. I feel like the universe is showering me with love in the form of water, and I feel great.

    2) Long drives at night….

    3) Dance. It’s kinda funny, but I dance best when I am angry.

    4) My pet pigeon, who loves me enough to make me forget every pain in the world. When I feed her from my hand & she sits beside me while am studying or working on pc, it feels heavenly.. And what’s more, she doesn’t likes to share me with anyone else… He he….



  239.  #239Ankita on May 12, 2010 at 12:49 am

    Shannon,

    You wrote me back, “for starters – I feel so angry when I see my ex’s GF on Facebook. I don’t want to see her or him on FB. Maybe it’s unfriend time?”

    I don’t get completely what you mean to say by “unfriend time”..

    Can you please explain it briefly to me???



  240.  #240Ankita on May 12, 2010 at 4:49 am

    I find one thing pretty confusing that why did he sent me request. on yahoo on both my id’s, once it was decided that we won’t be in touch anymore.

    That time he was ok with the idea of not being in touch ever again in life.

    Does it goes out itself to the id’s you have in contact..?? I have never seen so…!! 🙁



  241.  #241Lynn on May 12, 2010 at 5:44 am

    Ankita,

    My heart goes out to you! You deserve better than this guy. You sound so young, I have a 16 yr. old daughter and this is breaking my heart. I would kill that bastard if he raped her like what happen to you. He did rape you, its not only called rape when its a stranger..its rape when you say NO and he doesnt stop. You need to get away from this guy and do it quick! And then stay away!! As for your email…no it doesnt just send request out randomly, he sent it out ..its a form of control for him..like he’s saying you can run but you can’t hide. You need to tell someone what he has done to you. I think what Shannon meant by “unfriend time” ..is deleting them off her FB account…you need to do this. Also you can go into the security part of settings and block this person from searching you, seeing you, and friend requesting you. Please take care of yourself.



  242.  #242EarthDancer on May 12, 2010 at 9:41 am

    Dear Ankita:

    My heart goes out to you and I want (like Lynn) for you to take care of yourself…please tell someone you trust and talk out your feelings – don’t ‘stuff’ them down – even if they feel scary to you! I feel so strongly about this – it’s so important because I don’t want YOU feeling hurt and confused.

    *hugs* to you – please take care 🙂



  243.  #243Ankita on May 12, 2010 at 11:20 am

    Dera Lynn And Earthdancer

    Indeed am very young… I will be 20 this september..

    I told this to my mom. That’s the sole reason why she accepted him and did want me to marry him someday. When we broke up after his cheating, my mom broke down even more. She said, sobbing, “Now who will accept you?”

    I remember saying, holding her, “Trust me mumma. You will get a better son-in-law than him. This guy doesn’t values your daughter and doesn’t deserves her. I’ll bring an even better guy in our family. This guy may look great, may have good job, but isn’t fit for your daughter. Your daughter is way great. Isn’t it momma?”

    I remember her nodding at me and hugging me with tears in her eyes.

    In India, (where I stay), a girl who isn’t virgin used to be looked upon as impure, untouchable, and not fit to marry a good guy, and sex was allowed after marriage only.. Though the norms have changed now as sex is legal for adults here also, prior to marriage.

    Am gonna take care of myself, and that’s the sole reason I have decided I won’t ever sleep again with any guy unless I am sure he loves me and won’t leave me ever.

    I just want him to regret losing me. I want him to feel the same pain and loss for me, which I felt one day for him.

    I am moving on now. I just want him to think, “There can never be another ANKITA.”

    He sent me request on both my id and I rejected on both. Perhaps he doesn’t wishes me to move on ever. He even said he felt upset when I told him that he is no longer special to me and that he’s the same as any stranger now.

    Just see this jerk, he won’t make me special, but wants to be special in my life always. But that’s not gonna happen. Damn Mr. Jaideep.



  244.  #244Ankita on May 12, 2010 at 11:22 am

    Dear Lynn And Earthdancer.

    In the past post, by mistake Dera got typed in place of Dear. Sorry for my typing error.



  245.  #245Simply Shannon on May 12, 2010 at 11:43 am

    Ankita: This guy sounds very toxic (he practically raped you and enjoyed it!?!).

    Reading your posts, I sense you are so in your head analyzing whether or not he physically sent you those two friend requests and dying to figure out if they could have been sent accidentally. I can feel the desperation and I feel empathy. Gosh, I have been there so many times. Thinking that a man wanted me back just because he sent me an email. Ack. I feel frustrated remembering those times.

    Right now reading your posts, I feel stuck. I sense that you are stuck. You are stuck on him. Stuck wanting him to hurt so much and forgetting about you. What are YOU doing in YOUR life that brings you joy? It’s time to stop focusing on him.

    I am sending you a million hugs across thousands of miles Ankita. I know you are hurting. And I wish I could make it stop.



  246.  #246Brenda on May 12, 2010 at 12:52 pm

    Beautifully said, Shannon! I echo her sentiments, Ankita. I am sorry you were hurt so badly and are hurting so badly now. You are beautiful, and don’t let the scum of the world define who you are.



  247.  #247Siena on May 12, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    …and Ankita, I want to echo Shannon and Daria, and add 2 things:

    1) I hope you hang out a lot here and get all those feelings out. We’ll all support you and help you to move past this and (hopefully!) feel better and

    2) It is only weak men who take pleasure in hurting women. A good, strong man would rather die than hurt a woman like that. You are so beautiful! You deserve a good, strong man. There are thousands out there and one in particular is waiting for you! I hear what you are saying about your culture, but love is larger than any of those “rules”. A man who loves you will love ALL of you.



  248.  #248Siena on May 12, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    oh… and 3) I’m sending love to you! 😉



  249.  #249Siena on May 12, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    Oh gosh, I meant I echo Shannon and Brenda.



  250.  #250Daria on May 12, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    Ankita –

    he is either sending those requests because they automatically get sent when somone updates their messenger and its sent to contacts from their e-mail list and they click yes on “import contacts”

    or since it sounds like 2 he wants to continue talking to you

    i do not think he meant to rape you, though i dont know because i wasnt there and even if i were i dono. sometimes young boys have no idea about sex and how its supposed to be. so he may have had a romantic notion of how hes ravishing the woman … not as an excuse but ive heard of young men doing some fucked up things while they were growing up… also, you have a choice, like you can punch him, hard, kick him Hard, scream at him to get off, roll him off etc… so that its clear you’re serious. Either way, I’m sure it didn’t feel good.

    I made a commitment to myself that i will not have sex that hurts me. I feel a lil worried because im pretty used to sex hurting me, and i used to just grit my teeth hoping that it will feel better which sometimes it did. but in january when i did that it didnt feel better too much and then i got hurt and got that urinary tract infection that ive been tryng to heal since

    ok oh yeah off track:

    yes he still wants to talk to u. this means your wish is starting, that he wants you and wishes he could be with you. SEE? now this doesn’t mean that you should contact him or anything. just keep doing what you’re doing, and if he ever Does talk to you, speak from your feelings… which may simply be… i still dont wish to speak to you.. goodbye (right away not after a long conversation).



  251.  #251Brenda on May 12, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    I can’t get over how wise you women are! Thank you so much for all your beautiful words! I absolutely love to come to Siren Island! Good night! Hugs!



  252.  #252Daria on May 12, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    Yeah he does sound like a jerk. UGh.

    I feel like kicking his ass. Boys can be uncompassionate, like killing and torturing lil animals for fun – sound serial killerish, but they do do that, sometimes – like set cats on fire, shoot squirrels that kinda stuff…

    girls do sometimes too… i don;t like it

    also i remember some boys in our neighborhood hired these young prostitutes and one of them cut her on her face with a knife, wanting to scare her… im like dude thats fucked up

    what is wrong with yall

    i feel triggered!!

    Ankita I wish you had punched the SHIT out of him.

    I feel so triggered in weird ways….

    Next time though, I would clearly stand up for myself when it hurts. ok back to Daria… I commit to stand up for myself

    and yes it would feel awful that a man didn’t care i was hurting… UGh… i feel terribly triggered by this

    this guy has a lot of transforming to do. you need VERY strong boundaries to inspire a man like this to transform

    but i think they can, i mean those boys in my neighborhood did not grow up to be bad people

    i feel triggered!! im used to havin kicked it with boys and kinda getting desensitiszed to the asshole shit they did…

    there was one dude who was not our friend who did rape my friend… he threatend her with a knife… i was there when he had her walk off with him and i was like nooo stupid what are you doing why are you walking off with him…

    and she told us its cuz she was scared… even my cousin walked with him once cuz she was scared… but not at nite in the bushes

    im like dude if youre scared DONT walk with him wtf, hes way less likely to hurt you in public… but she did walk off wih him and i guess he raped her… tho she wouldnt tell us right away it was obvious something was up with her and later she did tell us… this is when we were like 13 in romania

    we went to the bazaar and got knives then cuz i wanted one, but then 3 days later i wound up getting drunk and getting my first kiss and major makeout session with a guy that turned out to be his cousin, and i wound up giving him the knife cuz there was some trouble at this big festival… so his cousin the one who raped my friend wound up with my knife

    the one i made out with was a really sweet guy and not like his cousin, he even told us to watch out for him and stay away from his cuz

    now he is married but he still hit on me at the bar a couple years ago lol

    yeah well then another time, the guy who raped my friend grabbed me and my cousin and was draggin us by the wrists to the bushes, we were hitting his arm tryna get away but he was strong, then this other guy who was usually a wimp came and rescued us, he told him let us go and provoked him, then he ran off and hid but he got him to rescue us which was great

    i feel weird thinking about this



  253.  #253Ankita on May 12, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    Earthdancer, Lynn, Siena, Shannon, Brenda and Daria

    Thanks for your support and love…. 🙂

    Shannon, you are quite right.. This guy sounds toxic.. When he used to fuck me, he used to hold both of my hands from his one hand and used another to shut my mouth, so that my sound doesn’t goes out.

    I used to shout at the top of my lungs, and still remember banging my head against the pillow so that I could get myself freed from clutches of that rascal ex. I felt so helpless, that I couldn’t protect myself from him…

    The only one question I used to ask myself then was, “What kind of love is this?”
    But then, I used to think, may be its his way and just shut up.
    I was wrong there. I wish I did stand up for myself then.

    The sight of those, still frighten me, make me shiver. The pain feels like, it’s in the moment.

    I truly feel stuck, but I need to get out of this, and enjoy my own life. You were right when you said that I am forgetting myself. I wanted to get back at him so badly that I was forgetting myself. But not anymore, I am gonna enjoy my own life and pleasures.



  254.  #254Ankita on May 12, 2010 at 2:13 pm

    Brenda,

    I won’t let the world define who am I. I want to live my life, my own way… With all of life’s pleasures..

    I feel scared sometimes, when someone holds my hand, but I won’t let my fear of ex win, coz the moment I let my fear rule me, I will lose to my ex and he will win.

    And I won’t ever let that happen. 🙂



  255.  #255Ankita on May 12, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    Siena,

    Thanks..!!

    Am hanging out here and I plan to hang out even more after my exam on 15th may. Before I came across this site, I hardly knew what feelings are, let alone expressing them.

    And yes, you all make me feel better. 🙂

    I have no one to talk to at home, no siblings, etc.
    And I talk in limit to mom, as am scared of her breaking down, she isn’t going very well these days. 🙁

    Here, I feel supported, and much much better..!! 🙂

    A gentleman won’t treat a woman like that. He wants to make her happy, not cry. I feel like he had some ‘issues.’

    I consoled my mom saying the exact words as you said, that LOVE is above all, when a guy will love me, he will accept all parts of me, he’ll understand me, he’ll LOVE ME..
    When love is true, culture hardly comes in between…

    Thanks for sending love to me… 🙂

    I feel I need your all hugs and love..!! 🙂



  256.  #256Ankita on May 12, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    Daria,

    Sometimes I too wondered, if he really wished to rape me, I don’t know why he did it, but I felt truly bad and helpless, and the sight of it, still shivers me…

    & am not gonna contact him ever again. I don’t think he will return, but if he does, am gonna use the feeling message you suggested.

    He LOVED to HURT me… And this was the guy for whom I did everything I could possibly so. Huh.. WTF…!!

    I feel weird hearing your stories. Taking to bushes at knife-point… Goodness…!!

    Your neighborhood guys, strange…!! First they hire a prostitute, and then hurt her, I feel they were chemically imbalanced… (Though they may not be, I felt so.)

    You told a sweet story of yours with that sweet guy. Felt nice to hear that. 🙂
    Hits even today at you… Ahaann..!! 😉

    And the guy who raped your friend, got a good lesson by that wimp guy… That was indeed great.!!



  257.  #257Daria on May 12, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    Ankita – wow I didn’t know that he used to do that to you all the time. gosh that sounds TERRIBLE. I FEEL SO GLAD that you are no longer with him. THANK GOD. I feel really glad.

    i have this Ex I very much wanted, but then he fell in love with and married my best friend. I felt betrayed very badly by both of them. She had i think some issues with sex because she used to sleep with very many men, even our guy friends me and my exes she slept with both of them at once, and she used to have a hard time to go without sex.

    Anyway I felt devastated, even tho this guy was mean to me and didn’t really seem to love me.

    Well it turns out now that they’re married he abuses her and beats her! And he wants her to do sexual stuff with other men, and even stuff she doesn’t wnat to do, and has beat her when she didn’t. I hope for their sake that he has stopped, she even had him sent to jail one time… I don’t know.

    But I know i feel SO GLAD I did not marry him.

    After me and him broke up and he was with her, she and he would invent stories about me, like she would say that i’m threatening her (she was a pathological liar – she lied ALL THE TIME – even when she was my friend, but I didn’t think she would betray me this way) etc.

    So me and him actually got in a physical fight (which I lost, GRRR, because I felt BAD FOR HIM to hit him first!!! I wish I had gotten at least a couple good ones)

    anyway he used to harass meand try to drive me away from where i was hanging out, because i was hanging out with his friends (including guywhohadababy) and they were now my friends

    I didn’t leave

    that was years ago, but again, I’m really glad I didn’t stay with him, even though i truly FELT IN LOVE WITH HIM at the time



  258.  #258Siena on May 12, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    oh Daria, I feel so sad hearing that story!

    I’ve always been afraid of marrying the wrong person – for the exact reason you wrote there.

    That makes me feel really sad. But happy for you that you dodged a bullet!



  259.  #259Daria on May 12, 2010 at 3:38 pm

    Siena – yes!! I feel not sad. I feel glad. I was so totally masculine energy I was trying to FORCE the poor man to be with me… in quite clever ways too!

    I made all his friends fall in love with me, stayed totally faithful and devoted to a TEE… made him look REALLY good in front of other people by dressing and looking like a supermodel, etc
    so that everyone would tell him, man your girl is AWESOME . and they did

    i stayed silent with my anger, did not speak, was like a perfect housewife/prostitute minus the prostitution because i did NONE of that. kind of like a faithful Geisha.

    I looked SO GOOD during those times. I miss those clothes ( a lot of that was cuz i was sharing clothes with my girlfriend… she had cute stuff and we mixed and matched).

    and he stayed with me, until he couldnt take it anymore and fell in love with her to escape the trap i was setting all around him



  260.  #260Daria on May 12, 2010 at 3:40 pm

    plus he may actually have totally fallen in love with her… he even told me im sorry, i do love you (shortest honest and kind moment ever) but im not in love with you and I AM in love with her. I feel sorry but I CAN FEEL IT IN MY BONES!!!

    he then made her his girlfriend in front of the whole unbelieving neighborhood and then married her quickly after

    she was only sorta into him



  261.  #261Siena on May 12, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    “and fell in love with her to escape the trap i was setting all around him”

    That made me laugh!

    Maybe resting in feminine energy and engaging my heart and intuition is just the thing that is needed to make sure that I don’t choose the wrong guy! oh, that’d feel really good!



  262.  #262Siena on May 12, 2010 at 3:43 pm

    ewww, that still feels icky Daria. I feel sad for the younger Daria who must have felt so embarrassed and heartbroken!

    I’ve been in very similar situations, but maybe never to that extreme. I’ve always escaped the picture before they married someone else (they always married someone else, I just wasn’t there to witness it Thank God!)



  263.  #263Daria on May 12, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    Siena – haha yes it is, the way to make sure you don’t choose the wrong guy.

    haha.

    and yes i felt all that

    this was SO EXTREME that it deserved a movie. it was SO EXTREME that a detached part of me actually enjoyed the AMAZING SOAP OPERA that was my life

    i was like WOW! Im really living it up!!

    Did i mention that he told me this while they were actually both at my house, and he went to lay down with her, and i was like ok SOEMTHING Is up whatsup…
    and then I drove them in tears to his mom’s house

    and then and THEN and THEN

    i beat her up later

    lol

    omg

    it was FUN and crazy and not fun but I was thinking wow my life is a movie: NOT BORING

    oh…

    i also about 3 months later wound up getting with His best friend who had stuck by me and been my friend and protected me from his harassment:

    the infamous

    guywhohadababy



  264.  #264Siena on May 12, 2010 at 3:50 pm

    OH NO! LOL!

    It’s DRAMA girl!

    I love it! You need to write that down somewhere – it’d be a best seller!



  265.  #265Daria on May 12, 2010 at 3:55 pm

    LOL!

    I know!! I intend to make a movie about it!

    I haven’t even gotten to all the fun details



  266.  #266Simply Shannon on May 12, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    Ankita: Hmm… okay, knowing he did this to you regularly, I feel confused. Why do you want this man back? I feel concerned that you might be co-dependent. (I used to be when married to my alcoholic ex.) It’s like you become numb to the craziness of what is happening. It feels normal even though it is sooooo NOT normal.

    On the other hand, is it possible that you enjoyed the rough sex? Sometimes rough sex can be fun. Being with someone aggressive can be fun. The key ingredient is knowing that you can always say NO and it will stop.

    I dunno. In this case, it sounds like that wasn’t happening.

    I feel weird.



  267.  #267Lynn on May 12, 2010 at 6:30 pm

    ok, I got the e-book that Rori suggested on my first post about my marriage/husband…and…

    it totally is clicking for me ..I FEEL EXCITED!!!

    I called him today from work on his cell and he answered like he was really busy and said “whats up baby” and I said “are ya busy” he said “yea I’m in a meeting” and I said “OH wow u didnt have to answer..I appriciate it but I would of understood” and he said “its not a problem ”

    This is H U G E because he’s the boss and it was a foreman’s meeting on a big job he’s running…WOW is how I’m feeling 🙂



  268.  #268Ankita on May 12, 2010 at 8:34 pm

    Shannon,

    I don’t want him back… not at any cost…
    I just want him to regret losing me and understand my values, just that’s it..!! I just want him to understand what he had.. Just that much…

    I loved him and that’s why I did tolerate all this. I knew this wasn’t normal. The reason why I didn’t said a word was I was afraid to be alone. I used to think BAD guy is better than NO guy. And that was silly of me..!!

    Rough sex can be fun, but here it wasn’t. Coz most of the time I had no idea it’s gonna happen. I didn’t enjoy the rough sex. I used to ask him just for 10 minutes foreplay and he rarely did foreplay and would do what I wrote above…

    Now even I feel weird, at the lame thinking of me that time, my lame excuse used to be, “Oh, because I love him.”… I never did made me my 1st priority. I used to live for others. I remember my friends warning me against him, but I was so lost in making our relation work that I hardly gave them any attention.

    It never did work. And now I feel if it did work, my world would have turned upside down. When we are in the middle of any situation, it’s quite difficult for us to see the truth and understand what’s going on. But Once we are out, we know what was happening around us.

    Am glad am out of all this now.

    But not anymore… I live for myself now…. I am myself 1st priority now…!!



  269.  #269Rori Raye on May 12, 2010 at 11:27 pm

    snookie, Welcome – and you sound like a fascinating woman who’s letting men run her life. You sound smart and clever and quick-tongued – and that’s all hiding your feelings of vulnerability inside – that’s why you’re freaking out. Please learn everything you can here about letting your vulnerability show on your OUTSIDE – so a man can see and feel it…that way you’ll start feeling stronger inside. Love, Rori



  270.  #270Rori Raye on May 12, 2010 at 11:30 pm

    Snookie, great question…facebook is messing with us all, and Circular Dating is a MUST — so — I have have some ideas – I’ll put it in a longer post –I’d love to throw this open…how do you Circular Date with facebook out there? Erika is huge on facebook – I hope she shows up to share what she does…Love, Rori



  271.  #271Brenda on May 13, 2010 at 10:25 am

    Ankita, Daria, and all of us…

    What I keep thinking about as I read all your horror stories is the book, “Men That Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them”. I read that book maybe 15 yrs ago, and it was a big eye-opener for me. Thank God, I never endured physical and sexual cruelty and abuse as you sadly describe. But I can tell comparable stories full of emotional and psychological abuse.

    The gist of the book is that if we were raised with abuse, as I was (emotionally), it feels normal. The nice guys with smiles and flowers seem abnormal, boring. So we gravitate to the abusers, and often we are blind to it. I was for years.

    Even as recently as Ryan, altho Ryan was a confusing case, because what I fell for in him was his poetic words about how every woman is a face of the goddess and every woman should be treated like a goddess. So I BELIEVED I had finally found a man who was a knight in shining armor. He helped my homeless friend make an emergency move after a so-called male friend tried to rape her. He did more romantic things with me than I’ve ever done in my life: pillow talk, cuddling, writing poetry together, going out for tea at midnight, long drives listening to Delilah. It was nothing earth-shattering, but it all added up to treating me like a lady of value, because he spent quality time with me, just talking about emotions and romance!

    Then everything fell apart, and I guess it was mental illness, to state it simply. So he turned out to be yet another abuser, and he was intelligent enuff to hurt me where it really counts, in my heart of hearts.

    Anyway, I feel so grieved in my spirit that we all allowed ourselves to be treated with such shocking cruelty. As we grow more aware of our past abuse, starting from childhood, and heal from it here with each other, we can grow to a level of emotional health where abuse doesn’t appear to be exciting and joyful.

    True joy is in harmonious, intimate, loving relationships.



  272.  #272Apple Jacks on May 13, 2010 at 10:25 am

    Ankita,

    Reading your posts were heart wrenching. I hear you on the sexual cultural rules and norms and for women as I’m Indian too (though I live in the states).

    I feel so sad at how you were treated.

    I feel mad at that thing impersonating a man who took “pleasure” in hurting you.

    I feel totally related to you when you say that you want him to know what he had in you.

    Weather he realizes it or not, the truth is the truth. There CAN NEVER be another Ankita and that’s unshakeable.



  273.  #273Brenda on May 13, 2010 at 10:30 am

    Apple Jacks, Beautifully said. When Ryan was in the midst of extracting my heart with his fake proposal, he said, “There’s something beautiful about pain, don’t you think?” How sick!!! Like you said, I feel mad at that THING impersonating a man. And I think we both know what we’re talking about.

    My ultimate man touches me tenderly, and he never, ever violates my free will. He gazes at me with warmth and admiration, talking to me gently. He treats every inch of my body like it’s sacred.

    Because it is.



  274.  #274Simply Shannon on May 13, 2010 at 10:39 am

    Snookie & Rori: Really interested to hear how others are handling Facebook as well. I’ve really minimized my posting there. It felt fun for awhile but then I got so caught up in reading all of my friends’ statuses and responding and blah, blah, blah, that I wasn’t actually living my life! Gosh, the hours I spent. Yikes.

    And while I do share occasionally, I no longer feel driven to share all the details of my life on FB. I keep my statuses free of boys’ names or date details. I don’t generally add the guys I date to my FB friends until we’ve dated several times. I don’t feel comfortable with strangers (which they are at first) on my page (with all my info and pics, etc.).

    I feel really curious about this!

    Daria: I know you do MySpace. How do you manage it?



  275.  #275Simply Shannon on May 13, 2010 at 10:40 am

    Ankita: I love the new pic. You look very pretty and happy!



  276.  #276Apple Jacks on May 13, 2010 at 10:46 am

    Daria – I got through your post of the knife point bushes kids and I feel like, wow. You went through that experience when you were 13? It’s frightful!

    I feel triggered about people hurting animals and burning cats. I feel hot and angry because I came acroos the most cutest and innocent kitty who was burnt and I wished that I had super powers to prevent that. I feel a murderous rage running through my veins towards anyone and everyone who did this and who even THINK of doing this. Bastards.



  277.  #277Siena on May 13, 2010 at 10:47 am

    I for one only check FB a couple of times a week now just to make sure no one’s placed pictures of me up that I don’t want, and stuff like that.

    I used to use it all the time, and then I realized it was creating drama in my life, and so I stopped. I had a bf on there once who broke up with me, and I remained his “friend”, talking to him daily. One day, I saw that he had a new gf, and he posted pics of their weekend getaway. I was so hurt! He and I had just seen eachother a couple of days before, and I really believed I was “winning” him back (haha)! I defriended him, and learned my lesson. No bf’s on FB. It just causes more trouble than it’s worth!



  278.  #278Lucy on May 13, 2010 at 11:12 am

    I love facebook, am fb friends with almost every guy I’ve ever dated, and have absolutely no problems with it.

    It is a ton of fun for me — a great way to express myself.

    I simply do not ALLOW any drama in my life and it therefore does not show up on fb.

    One thing that helps is that my facebook page is “family friendly” — literally. All my kids, my siblings, my nieces and nephews, and even my ex-in-laws are my “friends.” That prevents me from posting or permitting anything stupid on my page.

    I have tons of friends of friends that I have never met but we friend each other because of common interests or personalities, or to learn from each other.

    Occassionally I will post something that a couple guys I’ve dated comment on with, “Are you talking about me?” And I never AM talking about them, so I just smile or laugh in response.

    The funny thing is, it does raise my “degree of difficulty” because they all see all these guys writing on my page — and the single guys don’t know that half the guys commenting on my stuff are very happily married men who were friends in college, and still are very much JUST friends.

    Facebook for me is fun, creative, and educational (I interact with people about special interests as well and have discussions about various serious topics).

    I love it when I write something on there and it makes people laugh.



  279.  #279Daria on May 13, 2010 at 11:51 am

    Myspace isnt quite as interactive as fb. i just write what i want on my status, but mostly guys contact me cuz of my sexy pics. and yes they get to see that lots of guys are into me too.



  280.  #280Ankita on May 13, 2010 at 12:29 pm

    Daria

    RE #261

    I have also gone through this best friends case, twice. I hate it when my bf used to fall for my friend, who treated him like shit, and here I was, treating him like a god. I never knew what used to go wrong. But now I get, what was going wrong.

    Your ex beats your friend, ha ha ha ha, (sorry, but felt great hearing that, so smiled..).
    I hate this when a girl comes and snatches your guy. And even worse, she is your friend. (Or better, an enemy in disguise.), But here she indeed was your friend, she saved you from that idiot, and is now getting beaten up for that… He he he… 😀

    She was bad-mouthing you. God I don’t understand that. 1st of all, she snatched your guy and then going insecure, jealous, etc. Now what was her problem??? Wasn’t she content with it???!!!

    Don’t worry about the physical fight with him. But I loved it when you mentioned that you did beat her. great. She deserved to be beaten black and blue.

    I remember my case, when I lost my guy to my pal, I felt like going up to her, holding her neck, turning her upside her, sit on her chest, and then beat her as much as I did wish, while still abusing her and shouting at her. (I was very young then.lolz)
    But now I am glad, they took them away. Coz 1 of them is now a drug addict, he impregnated another girl, and when my friend came to know that, she was stunned. Though she herself was avery characterless girl.

    And the 2nd one, has got some mental problems. Runs away from his home often. Ha ha ha ha… 😀

    Am glad i didn’t get either of them.



  281.  #281Ankita on May 13, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    Siena

    RE #262

    You feel scared to marry the wrong person. And am afraid of getting married now, fearing what if I end up with the wrong person??? I will have to divorce him then. Divorce isn’t that common here. A divorcee isn’t looked upon good here.

    My parents are getting worried… he he….
    Here, before we turn 30, we have to marry. And I have told them that let me be, I will marry when I find the right guy, even at 40, 50…., and that too, by my own choice…

    And now they are worried…… he he…. 😀



  282.  #282Ankita on May 13, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    Brenda

    RE #275

    Ya….. You are absolutely right… I had a traumatized childhood… We used to stay in a joint family, where my grandpa, grandma, and uncles used to treat mom, dad n me badly…. As a child, even I was abused a lot.. I was a kid, what was my fault… But no….

    And when I have grown up, I remember what I went through as a child, and that’s why I don’t talk to them properly, nor do I treat them well… Even till last year, they tried to define my life, by trying to make me choose a simple subject for study and then planned to marry me off to some guy from our native village, I refused, I fought, that it’s my life, and I will live it the way I want… I lost my sisters due to my grandma and grandpa… And since then, I don’t count them as my family members. The only persons I care for, in my family, are my mom, dad and pets, and myself.

    Sorry, I went little off the track, you are quite right when you say, “The gist of the book is that if we were raised with abuse, as I was (emotionally), it feels normal. The nice guys with smiles and flowers seem abnormal, boring. So we gravitate to the abusers, and often we are blind to it.”

    Perhaps that was the reason why I stayed with that rascal, and the guys who loved me, seemed abnormal…

    But now, am trying to heal myself.. I remember my uncle saying it to me, when I was just 10 years old, “you can’t do anything in life, not because you can’t do, but because we won’t permit you to do. So it’s better, you just do what we ask you to. Did you get it? Just study a simple course and we’ll marry you off in our village, you get that? You won’t get to live ever in a big city like this.”.. I ran off to my mom hearing this and sobbed to her, saying I want to live life my own way mumma, do what I want.

    My poor mom, she was also slave there.

    Now when am outta there, I don’t give a damn to them. They can’t be my family. Being alone is better than having family members like this.



  283.  #283Lucy on May 13, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    Oh, Ankita! That is so sad, what your uncle said to you. I would want to hug and hold my 10 year old self and tell her that it’s gonna be alright and that she can do and be whatever she wants. <3



  284.  #284Ankita on May 13, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    Apple Jacks

    RE 276

    Nice to know that you are from India too… 🙂

    I don’t like these cultural rules, neither do I follow them. I do what I like. Just because of these “sacred cultures”, the crime rate is so high in India.

    Thanks for supporting me, yes you are right, the truth will be indeed truth, whether he realizes it or not,

    I want him to regret it for whole of the life..
    And though I hate to admit it, but I am so mad at him that I don’t want him to be happy in the long run, with “that” girl, after what he did to me.

    He later told me, that he realized he was wrong in all this, hurting me, raping me, cheating me, but didn’t stop. He went on, despite knowing that he was wrong.



  285.  #285Ankita on May 13, 2010 at 1:08 pm

    Shannon,

    RE # 278 & 279,

    Thanks for the compliment.. This picture is of Holi, a festival in India, where we play with colours, and this pic was taken just before when the festival was about to start…

    I was also a big fb and orkut addict, but after seeing my ex and his gf, on both, I almost stopped going to orkut, and limited myself to fb. I was so hooked onto the games there. But when I see them , I feel pain, and so I wanna stop myself, until the time I am really healed from inside.



  286.  #286Ankita on May 13, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    Lucy,

    RE # 287,

    It indeed is sad. They don’t want me to do anything by myself. In fact, all of my family members (except mom and dad) were miffed with me once I chose to study science(PCM) over arts. They wanted me to study arts, so that they would be able to rule my life.

    For whole 10 years, while we stayed together, they made us a puppet in their hands, but not anymore. My parents talk to them, I don’t. I do only when necessary. Today my grandma called me to ask me to come over to their house, once my exams are over, I refused. I didn’t even tell her when my exams are ending, and said that I won’t be able to come over, having some work at my house.

    I don’t like them at all. I hate them. In my younger days, I have seen them abusing and torturing my poor mom and dad, and now I want to and am taking it back at them, they deserve it from me.



  287.  #287Ankita on May 13, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    I feel bad that am spamming this post with the details from my traumatized childhood, but couldn’t stop feeling my feelings and venting them out after I read Brenda’s post… RE# 275..

    Thanks Brenda, for posting it, it was very touching, brought tears to my eyes, when I recalled my childhood… 🙁



  288.  #288Lucy on May 13, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    Ankita — I feel bad that you feel bad! This is a place for healing — we welcome all of your sharing of feelings and venting. <3



  289.  #289Apple Jacks on May 13, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    Ankita,

    India is a great big ball of contradictions that’s for sure. On the one hand the culture is rich with beautiful traditions that are meant to care for the most vulnerable amongst us, then on the other hand those same rules and traditions can be used to suppress the most vulnerable. All cultures have their good and bad, and India certainly isn’t unique to that.



  290.  #290Apple Jacks on May 13, 2010 at 1:38 pm

    This stupid computer freezes up! That post above was not finished before it got posted!! *GRRRRRR*



  291.  #291Ankita on May 13, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    Thanks Lucy

    You know what? As a child, I never was allowed to play with other kids. All I could do was, to sit at window, watch them helplessly, listening to abuses from my family, getting silent treatment after complaining to dad that uncle did beat me, watching my parents getting abused and tortured. That’s all I saw while growing up. Huhhh…!!

    Since childhood, I wished to study hard to become successful in life, my dad saved money for my studies too, but my grandma and grandma, took all of them, from my dad and said, That they’ll give it to him when he’ll need.

    I don’t want their money. I don’t want anything from them.. I don’t even want to see their faces.



  292.  #292Apple Jacks on May 13, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    Hey Ankita,

    you mentioned that your ex has a new gf now and expressed animosity towards her. I can’t help but feel a bit panicky at the possibility that he may be treating her the same way he has treated you. After what he’s done to you, he has no business being with any other woman. That THOUGHT is coming from my feeling of anger at how he’s treated you.



  293.  #293Ankita on May 13, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    Apple Jacks

    I agree with you… All cultures have their good and bad, and India certainly isn’t unique to that…

    But the latter applies to me, “those same rules and traditions can be used to suppress the most vulnerable..”

    That’s why sometimes I find the cultures unappealing…



  294.  #294Apple Jacks on May 13, 2010 at 1:44 pm

    I feel bad you had such a hard childhood, Ankita.

    Here I was just on another thread describing the whole reasonings and beauty of the family interactions of our culture, and on the other side of the coin you were being hurt by it. It’s jolting.



  295.  #295Ankita on May 13, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    Apple Jacks

    RE #296

    I don’t have much idea about them. But he told that he is happy with her, and added, “NOT TOO HAPPY”, but said that he is thinking to marry her if she stays the way she is now. His family is against her, but he’s still not leaving her..
    And the girl, is li’l doormat kind.. I have seen their pics together, and the girl sticks to him like a glue… FEVICOL….
    Ohh God…!! When I see her touching him, I feel like kicking her so hard that she goes out of earth and never returns back…

    But I just hope, what you say comes out true… I WANT IT TO BE TRUE….



  296.  #296Ankita on May 13, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    Apple Jacks

    What’s worse… I saw one of his gf’s friend writing her in a testimonial in orkut, “She has found the love of her life, and I hope they live happily ever after..”

    I was like, “Wtf, you snatched from me the love of my life, and you want to live happily ever after now…!!”



  297.  #297Siena on May 13, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    Ankita,

    I almost didn’t say this – but a few days ago, I was randomly thinking about you, and I thought, “wow, she’s a young woman from India who has already gone through all that crap. It’s so amazing that she found Rori’s site so young. She must have an amazing future ahead of her.”

    The more you write and share your story, the more I believe I’m right. Rori’s stuff is the truth – you don’t have to go any further than here to learn how to “do” relationships.

    The fact that you found Rori – from across the globe – and while still such a young woman… tells me that you are headed for really great things, and that you have a lot to accomplish, and so God is starting you young.

    You are so fortunate in that respect! I feel strongly that if you stay here and continue to work through your stuff (like you are) you will understand how to live in a healthy relationship while still young, and will be able to move forward in your life with a strong man by your side. Together, you and your man will do some great things! And all yucky family dynamic that you grew up with will change with you and your man… you are going to be a catalyst for change, I can feel it!

    I really feel this can be true for you!

    Love to you! Siena



  298.  #298Simply Shannon on May 13, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    Ankita: I feel weird and angry reading the posts that you want to hurt this other woman. Did she do anything to deserve that treatment? I understand you feel angry but I feel defensive reading those harsh words.

    It reminds me of those cat fights you see on Jerry Springer where the girls beat the crap out of each other and the men just sit there all smug and amused that the women are fighting over them. Yuck.

    I don’t want to fight anyone for a man. I have felt bitter anger towards the other woman, so trust me, I get it. But in the end, it didn’t serve me. It left me feeling like a victim and helpless.



  299.  #299Ankita on May 13, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    Siena

    I feel so happy reading this….
    Just after my break-up, I was just surfing across sites, when I suddenly came across Rori’s site, I instantly signed up for newsletters, and then after sometimes, I started checking out blogs…

    I don’t remember how I came across her, but it all happened just like magic, Rori’s site came to my rescue, suddenly, when I needed it… I was feeling so heartbroken then….

    Having found her so young, I consider myself so fortunate. Universe surely has some plans for me, I feel. I too hope for an amazing future.

    I am gonna stay here. I just love coming here.
    I want a man who’ll be masculine, will love me, will protect me, and will be capable of fighting with the whole world just for my sake,,, 🙂

    I truly want to be a catalyst in the process of change, yayyyy…!!

    Love you too…!!!
    Hugs…!!!! 😀



  300.  #300Apple Jacks on May 13, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    Ankita – no no no no no no no no NO. This man HURT you. Made you feel horrible about yourself. I feel aghast that you say that he was the love of your life and that you want this other girl hurt by him too.
    No woman deserves to be hurt by a man like that. Not you, not anybody.

    I feel protective of you

    I feel like shaking some sense into you

    I feel guilty that I want to shake you because I don’t want to hurt you, I want to hug you and love you

    I feel protective of this other woman and snatch her away into the air to take her away from this guy

    I feel like hugging you and shaking you at the same time and screaming, “Wake UP Ladki!”

    And I feel like crying because I feel afraid I might make you cry and feel misunderstood and bad about yourself for having feelings of scolding you. I don’t want to make you feel like I don’t care or that I don’t understand. I want ALL women to be safe, nurtured, protected and to feel GOOD about themselves NO MATTER WHAT. I want this for you and I want this for the other woman.



  301.  #301Ankita on May 13, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    Shannon,

    Even I feel angry at the thing that I want to hurt her… I don’t want to feel this…

    That’s why I did post it here, so that I find a way to vent my anger…. That’s why I didn’t suppress or hide it…And if I find some tools to vent out my anger for this “other woman”, it would feel great…!!

    Plz don’t be so angry at me Shannon….!!



  302.  #302Apple Jacks on May 13, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    Ankita – I feel you when you said that you did not want to suppress or hide your anger. I feel your bravery in risking a firestorm for that.



  303.  #303Ankita on May 13, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    Apple Jacks

    I get you…
    Even I don’t want to feel these feelings…
    I don’t like these feelings at all…

    Love of my life…. I regret saying that… I said that in the heat of the moment, but on a 2nd thought, he can’t ever be the love of my life…!!

    The love of my life, won’t be like this…

    Plz ab aap gussa mat ho… Aur mujhe bilkul bhi bura nahi lag raha…

    I know that whatever you all will say, it’ll be for my good…!!

    You all have the right to correct me where I go wrong, so I won’t feel bad if you shake me, scold me, feel angry, only for my betterment at the long run…!!



  304.  #304Apple Jacks on May 13, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    Ankita – ((((HUGS))))



  305.  #305Siena on May 13, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    Ankita, “Even I don’t want to feel these feelings…”

    The way to move through these feelings is to accept them as part of yourself, to allow yourself to sink into them, and then to find something that makes you feel happy.

    When I am dealing with my scariest and most awful feelings, I turn to them and say,

    “Hello jealousy. I hear you. I love you, you are part of me. And I feel how you make my face burn. Wow, you are powerful! I love you! Thank you for showing me what I don’t want. But I am stronger than jealousy, so I choose to bless this person instead. I bless this person and bring harmony to this situation.”

    Or I do the “fall to your knees” tool that Rori talks about. When you start to feel really awful, you go somewhere private and fall to your knees. Rori says your body understands that motion as a sacred motion, and understands that you are sinking into the feeling. Usually this makes me feel the emotion for about 3 minutes, and then I get bored with it, and move on!

    I’ve found that the awful feelings will eventually get purged if I honor them in one of these ways.



  306.  #306Ankita on May 13, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    I have one question regarding my ex and all other toxic mens…

    If they treated us or certain women badly, is it necessary that they’ll treat every woman the same way in the long run, I mean, after initial happiness of someday?? Or it depends??



  307.  #307Ankita on May 13, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    Siena,

    Thanks for the tools, I am gonna try them, especially the fall-on-your knees, just right now, am gonna do it…!!

    I hope to feel better… And I know I will feel better…!! 🙂



  308.  #308Apple Jacks on May 13, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    Ahh, head question from Ankita. My concern from this guy was when he said that he took pleasure in your pain and screams and forcing himself upon you.
    If he takes pleasure in dominating a woman like that, I just fear that that is something innate in him that he will do to others. Overall, I really don’t know Ankita. I’ll let the other wonderful sirens answer this question as I am going way in my head and fear I may generalize.



  309.  #309Ankita on May 13, 2010 at 2:39 pm

    Apple Jacks

    I felt curious about this question so I asked..

    Mainly I wondered, “Is it me?” or “Is it he?”

    I have read some posts about toxic guys, etc..

    Are all toxic guys like this only??..



  310.  #310Ankita on May 13, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    Please don’t get me wrong for my above question on toxic men…

    I didn’t mean it for anyone in particular…. Just felt curious about toxic men so asked…



  311.  #311Apple Jacks on May 13, 2010 at 2:45 pm

    Hi Ankita,

    I’m glad you asked this question because I feel like while my head knows, my heart is feeling a bit unclear…or is that the other way around…

    I remember learning in like health classes in school about rapists and being taught that if a guy rapes you then he’ll rape again and that it’s not our fault, ad that sort of thing. I was lucky to get this education when I was young, but because I am at a stage of being open to learning very new concepts right now, I’m in a zone of feeling disconnected with what I know…thus feeling confused so I’m so glad you asked this question.



  312.  #312Apple Jacks on May 13, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    I guess I better get my butt to the toxic men category lol.



  313.  #313Apple Jacks on May 13, 2010 at 2:48 pm

    Correction Toxic men post, not category. Spam much, Apple Jacks?



  314.  #314Siena on May 13, 2010 at 2:48 pm

    I can only speak from my experience, but toxicity for me has been about the relationship, and not necessarily the man. It was more about how we related to each other, and less about him being toxic.

    Generally, though, he behaves in certain ways because he has learned to act that way, and I respond a certain way because I have learned how to respond that way.

    It takes one person to not fall into toxicity to change the dynamics of how a potentially toxic person relates to another person.

    I believe that only a woman with clear, strong boundaries and a strong sense of self can encounter a man who has learned to behave in toxic ways, and not fall into a toxic relationship with him. She can create a relationship that is not toxic.

    And that kind of woman probably can have her pick of men, so why would she want someone who has a history of relating in toxic ways?



  315.  #315Apple Jacks on May 13, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    Siena – is there a difference though between normal men and women who have fallen into toxic ways of relating and men and women who are just plain abusive? That no amount of tools would work with this kind of person, and one of the big assets for these tools is to be able to weed out that kind of person? Thanks.



  316.  #316Brenda on May 13, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    Ankita, RE: #285-286 – I feel sad reading your situation. That is so wrong, wrong, wrong when someone violates your free will. You did well to get away. No one has a right to tell you what to do, much less force you to do something.

    So often I have said to unkind men, “I am not willing to be controlled by you.” It’s about healthy boundaries, and I am glad we are escaping. I feel angry when I think of what your uncle told you, that you can’t do because we tell you what to do.

    Ankita, as you are able to work thru it, I encourage you to let go of hatred and anger. Yes, they are valid feelings, and you have every reason to feel anger and hatred. But I encourage you to face those feelings head on and feel the pain that is packed behind them. It’s not fun and it’s not easy, but in the end, who do anger and hatred hurt? You.

    I have learned to do stuff like this…I’ll look in the mirror and say, “I feel angry right now, and that’s okay!” I will swear (hopefully by myself), yell, and get out the venom. Then when I can think a little more clearly, I ask myself, “Why do you feel angry?”

    I have discovered that my anger always boils down to hurt and injustice. It is what I do with my anger that can be either productive or destructive. My own modus operandi is that I don’t want to cause anyone else pain, either emotional or physical. Do some people deserve it? Yes, but if we all got what we deserved, we’d all be dead and in hell. The way I look at it, if God is perfect and He still loves people exactly the way they are, who am I to do any less?

    I highly recommend the book to you, “Left to Tell”, by Imaculee Ilibigata. She is Rwandan, and she survived the Rwandan Holocaust in 1994. She spent 3 months in a 3 foot by 4 foot bathroom with 7 women. They could only sit, not lie down. They had hardly any food, and she came out at 70-80 lbs.

    During that time, the opposing tribe murdered all but one brother in her family. They cut her favorite brother’s arms off with a machete and then sliced his head open with a machete, exposing his brain.

    There is so much more horror she endured, and she came out with a heart of love and forgiveness. She was supernaturally transformed thru the process. The book is highly inspirational above being sad. It was life-changing for me.



  317.  #317Brenda on May 13, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    Ankita and Apple Jacks,

    I also recommend the book, “Gold Cord”, by Amy Carmichael. She was a missionary in India in the early 1900s, and her main mission was to rescue girls being used for temple prostitution. That book is beautiful, and it’s in my top 20!



  318.  #318Siena on May 13, 2010 at 2:57 pm

    Anita, Re #319 – I really don’t know. I’m not a therapist, and haven’t encountered abuse in my life (I am so grateful for that!)

    I have, however, been with a man who enjoyed causing me pain as part of his sexuality. He’s not an abusive guy, though, just really really weak and can’t cope in his real life – so he takes pleasure in being somewhat cruel to women sexually.

    I went along with it for a while until I learned that it wasn’t what I wanted, and thankfully was able to see that it was “his” issue and move on.



  319.  #319Brenda on May 13, 2010 at 2:57 pm

    Ankita, RE: #291 – You’re welcome. And, like Siena told me when I first came on Siren Island, SPAM AWAY! It is so healing to write these deep feelings and ponderings out! Not only do we get to see our feelings in black and white, but we have all these wonderfully supportive sisters to affirm and guide us!! You are most welcome to write 24 hrs a day on here! You are loved!



  320.  #320Siena on May 13, 2010 at 2:58 pm

    …and yes! These tools definitely weed out toxic people! Toxicity can’t penetrate the strength that these tools give to us women! You just won’t want the guy. It won’t be drama or anything like that – he just won’t be attractive to you!



  321.  #321Apple Jacks on May 13, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    Siena – Thank you! I still can’t help but wonder, for exapmple the Chris Brown and Rihanna situation. In that regard, is Brown a toxic man, or did he just fall into a toxic way of relating??? I would feel that in this case he would be a toxic man that the tools help weed out, I’m on the right track, yes? Please say yes lol.



  322.  #322Siena on May 13, 2010 at 3:09 pm

    LOL AJ, I don’t know…

    I have been in very scary situations before, but (thankfully) had enough sense to realize it and remove myself before anything happened that I didn’t want. (I thank my angels for that!)

    I don’t want to overstep, but I tend to think that Rhianna must have seen signs before that she ignored. I could be wrong…

    Even with Toxic sexual man, I went along with it the whole time. In a way, I felt victimized, but then I realized that I was allowing it. And when I removed myself from the situation, it stopped.

    But I really don’t know. Rori would know, because she’s counseled people who have come from really bad situations.



  323.  #323Brenda on May 13, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    Ankita, RE: #310 – Yes, cruel men will treat all women cruelly. It is not the woman who deserves or doesn’t deserve the cruelty. It is the evil nature of the man. That is why, at least in the United States, that rapists are put in prison, to protect other women from the same treatment. What would happen if you turned him in to the authorities?

    The saying is, “A leopard doesn’t change its spots.”

    I would add to that, “…short of the transforming Power of God.” And, I do believe in miracles.

    All I can say is thank God you got away from this man. I know it hurts, and you probably feel confused…that is how I felt with parting with Ryan, even tho he hurt me emotionally deeper than any other human being. Your conscience tries to reason, “How could this person with whom I’ve shared so much love hurt me like this?” It is the question at least I have wrestled with since last July, when Ryan led me on for a fake proposal then told me he’s not in love with me and it’s just a friendship. There is STILL a part of me that wants him back. But I know in my heart I only want him back if he IS changed. Because part of him IS beautiful.

    Anyway, enough on me. This is about you right now. You have just escaped the jaws of a vicious beast that could have left you in torture for all of your life. And, I refer to both your controlling family and this cruel man.

    Instead, you are here, and there is healing and warmth here.



  324.  #324Lucy on May 13, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    Apple Jacks, my thought is that — just like in the situation Siena described — a toxic man will continue to behave in toxic ways whenever he is with a woman who will allow that pattern to continue. It is what he knows, so he will be attracted to women who match up with that pattern and will re-enact it with him. Unless, of course, he finds healing for his pattern.

    In the same way, women who have learned to play the victim role will continue to be attracted to toxic men who will re-enact that pattern with them as well — until the woman becomes aware of her learned patterns and heals them and learns new ways of relating….which is part of what happens here on siren island.



  325.  #325Apple Jacks on May 13, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    Gotcha thanks Lucy, Siena and Brenda.



  326.  #326Simply Shannon on May 14, 2010 at 10:44 am

    Ankita: I feel love for you lovely lady! Love, love, love. No anger at you. It bugs me when women talk about hurting the other woman. The anger feels misplaced.

    As to the toxic question. I agree with others. A relationship can be toxic if any one of the pair is behaving toxic with each other. Ever notice how lots of abusers are horrible to their spouse and yet super nice to everyone else?

    And it takes two to tango. The abuser has issues but so does the person who stays and takes it. And if those two didn’t match up, maybe the toxicity never would have happened in the first place.

    We ALL have issues. It’s just a matter of how they get expressed.



  327.  #327Lucy on May 14, 2010 at 10:49 am

    “We ALL have issues. It’s just a matter of how they get expressed.”

    Yep. My therapist said the other day, “We all have stuff. It’s just a matter of finding a man whose stuff works well with your stuff.”

    (And of course by “works well” she meant in a fairly healthy way — not in symbiotic abuse!)



  328.  #328Brenda on May 17, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    You know that song, “Please Don’t Leave Me”? It is about dysfunctional relationships. At first I didn’t like it, but the more I hear it, the more I realize I take out some of my “stuff” on Kenny, my ex. This is embarrassing to admit, but a part of me likes being antagonistic with him! I can take out my anger on him. But at least I’m aware of it and honest enuff to admit it. We discussed it, and at first he was a little angry. Then he was able to laff about it, because we were discussing it openly in an honest context.

    Now that I’ve become more aware of it, I find myself less apt to take my stuff out on him!



  329.  #329Simply Shannon on May 17, 2010 at 4:24 pm

    Brenda: That’s a great revelation. I do that too. Pick a fight just because I’ve got anger that has to come out.



  330.  #330Brenda on May 18, 2010 at 10:54 am

    Shannon, thanks, I’m glad I didn’t sound too out there. I think another part of that, too, is sometimes I just seek the stimulation of interaction. Fighting feels normal to me, since it filled my childhood (verbal fights within my family, especially between my parents). So a good controversy feels exciting when I feel bored and lonely. Pretty sick puppy, huh? The way I’ve learned to deal with it over time is I jokingly pick arguments with people then playfully challenge them to fight it out in the parking lot. It’s fun when I do that, and at most times, I just don’t let anger get the better of me anymore.



  331.  #331Daria on May 18, 2010 at 11:02 am

    Brenda I feel icky reading “pretty sick puppy”

    It’s usually very common for people to engage in fights/contests for excitement. Hence we watch drama shows and telenovelas (soap operas).

    I would feel better to see you refer to yourself in positive empowering terms.

    When a negative judgement of myself comes up, I also write… I love myself/love my feelings/love my judgement.

    I feel judgemental reading that haha. I love myself.



  332.  #332Brenda on May 18, 2010 at 11:29 am

    Daria, I know. I appreciate your feedback. But today I feel far worse than a pretty sick puppy. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel so horrible. Pretty sick puppy is a compliment compared with how I feel. I hate myself today.

    I feel down because I feel so nothing without a man. I read Rori’s newsletter today, “He’s pulling away and you feel stuck in the pits?” and it is xactly how I feel. And I am having a hellofa time pulling out of the pits.

    I agree with everything she says, that a man can’t pull me out of the pits, and I am the only one who can, and I feel like I’m down for the count. I want to go far, far away. I want to isolate myself and just eat myself to death.

    I’m barely holding on to everything that matters to me in life while in the final steps of weaning myself from Ryan. The flirtation with Bill was filling a big spot. I have been on dating sites trying to generate circular dates, but not many men want a fat, sagging, middle aged woman.

    So today I have a job meeting with Bill. He sat next to me, and when I accidentally bumped his leg with mine, he not only pulled away but moved his chair further from mine. Then instead of going over edits with me after the meeting, as he typically does, he just handed me his draft to type in the edits myself.

    I get the message loud and clear, he’s backing away, and most likely it’s cuz I accidentally was too forward leaning yesterday in a work interaction and maybe it was a mistake that I wore a dress to the meeting last Friday. He probably senses my neediness, and I am not having enuff of a degree of difficulty.

    I love myself even tho I hate myself. I love the triggers because they are not killing me but are helping me see where I need to work on.

    I want to go home and go back to bed. I don’t want to be here. I feel worried about my finances, because my checking account is out of control with too many automatic drafts.

    I am seeing more clearly how bad Ryan was for me, yet I STILL want to be with him. I love the part of myself that feels like a sick lil puppy. LOL! I need a vacation. I need SEXXX!



  333.  #333Simply Shannon on May 18, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    Brenda: I want you to reframe your interaction with Bill. Maybe he’s in the midst of a personal crisis. His dog died or his best friend was in a car accident or maybe he hit his shin earlier and when you bumped him, it hurt and that’s why he pulled away. Maybe he had to leave quickly today and couldn’t stay to chat? Wouldn’t it feel better to visualize that his reaction had NOTHING to do with you? Why make up a story that makes you feel bad when you can make up a story that feels good?

    You wearing a dress or you leaning forward yesterday probably had nothing to do with what he’s got going on. Please don’t beat yourself up for something that may have nothing to do with you.

    I bet you looked beautiful in your dress. (((HUGS)))

    P.S. If you’re a “pretty sick puppy”, then I am too. Actually I’ll pull a Daria and take back those words.

    Pretty… why yes, I am beautiful.

    Sick… why yes, I am “sick”, my body is SLAMMIN’, even with a flabby belly and junk in my trunk.

    Puppy… why yes, I am a female puppy, but you can call me BITCH.

    hehehe. Okay, I feel happy and powerful.



  334.  #334Brenda on May 18, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    LOL! Shannon, thank you! You are so sweet, and you just really helped! I love being a pretty sick puppy! LOL! I actually did mostly pull out of my mood earlier. I was naughty and I initiated emailing Bill. I sent him a thing from the internet about the medicinal properties of chocolate, cuz he’s an admitted sugar addict. I also told him I feel bored. He emailed back and forth with me about 5 times, and I feel much better now…the man addict had her fix. I also had some chocolate. 🙂

    Thanks again!



  335.  #335Daria on May 18, 2010 at 3:29 pm

    Brenda – I feel concerned about “being naughty” and emailing Bill.

    This isn’t about being naughty, or a game… this is really crucial for your self esteem.

    I don’t want to quietly support you hurting yourself.

    I feel upset.



  336.  #336Brenda on May 18, 2010 at 3:32 pm

    Thank you, Daria. I really appreciate your feedback and your honesty! They are looking for you on the newest thread, by the way! 🙂 Thanks again! You’re right, as usual! 🙂



  337.  #337Daria on May 18, 2010 at 3:46 pm

    Brenda –

    thanks. I feel sad. I feel guilty and ineffectual.

    =(

    I’m feeling triggerd to think about my godsister.

    It feels weird to be told I’m right.

    Are there any tools that you can use INSTEAD of reaching out to a man or food or doing something that you don’t think is good for you?

    I am generally good at STOP. I “think” I am less good at GO or DO.

    So for me to STOP something, it feels doable. Especially when I tell myself that THIS will bring me what I want.

    For example, when i was practicing STOP with guywhohadababy… I would make up fantasies of how my STOPPING was bringing him to me magically.

    Actually I still do that.

    hehe.

    That used to help me.

    Also, having something else to do helped. Coming to the blog and RIFFING

    miraculously helped ( I didn’t think anything could shift my feelings other than an actual outside event and interaction with someone)

    even now I tweak on this… I want to feel stronger with me by myself.

    I’m talking about me myself now hmm

    I feel lonely a bit and sad.

    I am going to hug myself now and see how that feels.

    I just imagine I am an angel or friend or even guywhohadababy or a man who cares who’s finally come for me

    and I run into his arms and am able to surrender… and tell him everything about how sad i feel , and whats wrong, and how boring life is, and know that he’s here everything will be ok, he can make everything ok and better

    and i feel like crying.

    and the he is me. I am the one hugging me.

    I feel tears

    i want to drink mroe cuz i gotta get more water in me to not tighten up hard



  338.  #338Brenda on May 19, 2010 at 8:03 am

    Daria, thank you so much. Those are healing words. I feel motivated to redouble my efforts to STOP. This site helps very much toward that end.

    What’s hard is being 46 and knowing that I have been so fucked up emotionally for decades, for all my life, that I couldn’t establish a relationship. Rori’s materials and Siren Island are like waking up out of a coma. I am mourning lost years when I could have been happy with a man. But I didn’t know how. I thot relationships just happened naturally. They seemed natural as I watched the marriages of my friends. They married, they had children, and…now…they are becoming grandmothers. While I am hoping to marry, just like I was 30 years ago at Sweet Sixteen and Never Been Kissed.

    And, I’ve spent those 30 years fantasizing very much like what you described. I’ve played with my sex toys while fantasizing until it just underscores the loneliness I feel. Cuz it isn’t just about sex. It’s about companionship and deep soul connection. So now when I cum using my toys, I cry. I cry for loneliness.

    Yesterday I was feeling like there’s no way out, since I’m still fucking up every relationship. But today I am more determined than ever to become a smooth, blossoming siren who navigates relationship with expert ease.

    I really appreciate all of everyone’s support and wisdom. And Daria, I believe you are among the wisest of us here. Thanks again!



  339.  #339Lucy on May 19, 2010 at 10:20 am

    “Cuz it isn’t just about sex. It’s about companionship and deep soul connection.”

    I hear ya, Brenda!

    And even the part that IS about sex — it’s not just about orgasm, it’s also about experiencing a man and his body.

    Doing it alone falls far short in so many ways.

    <3



  340.  #340Brenda on May 19, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    Absolutely! I feel xactly the same way.