Happy Story With a Sane, Supportive Man

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hearts making heart 110Here’s a great success story from Christine, a long-time client who’s also worked with Evan Marc Katz. She’s participated on Evan’s forum, and part of her letter is what she wrote for him:

“Rori,

You helped me so much and although it took a long time, and much suffering on my part, I got there.

Just an update here and a big thank you for all your wonderful help…  Yes I am totally in love with ‘Uncle Dave’ who you had suggested way back that I give a chance.  It’s taken a while but now I understand what you were talking about!

I think I’ve learned so much I could become a dating coach too!

Hope you’ve had a good summer, mine has been the best ever.

Love,

Christine xo

 

This is the testimonial Evan Marc Katz requested for his blog (thank you also for sending me to Evan):

1) What was happening or what were you feeling before you began reading Evan’s newsletters/blogs?

A few years ago when I was first introduced to Evan I was feeling increasingly frustrated with my dating life. Since divorcing after a 23 year marriage to an emotionally unavailable man, I had two long term but difficult relationships with men who were not stepping up and I had gotten used to being treated badly.

I’d had some difficult family situations to deal with as a single mother of three twenty somethings and Evan provided me with my first ‘Aha’ moment which was when he told me ‘You’ve been a great mother to your children, and a good daughter to your elderly mother but who’s been there for you Christine?’  This actually made me cry – I had been the ‘go to’ person for my children and the men I was dating were narcissists who had me hooked but were not good men.

2) What exactly did you feel you needed to understand about men and dating?

I needed to understand that I deserved more than this, that there were some good men out there and although it wasn’t going to be easy to find them,  I believed with the new tools I had learned both from Evan and Rori I could do this.

 3) What specific lesson did you learn from reading Evan’s newsletters/blogs?

I learned a lot and made some good friends through the forum, and that by changing my ways and gaining the support of other women in the same situation that I could get better and better.  The most important thing I learned was that I didn’t actually want or need the type of man I thought I wanted.  That ‘my type’ was not in fact my type!  Evan kept reminding us that we should look for ‘Kind, stable, sane, supportive’ over good looking/rich/successful etc.

 4) What was the result of that and where are you today because of your new insights?

I was able to make dating fun and behave like the woman I wanted to be.  I became the CEO in charge of my own life, and not subject to the whims of men.   Although I had dated lots of nice men online there was one man I had met in ‘real life’, who was there in the background.  I’d placed him firmly in the ‘just friends’ box, but once I took a long, hard look at what I really wanted in a man to move forward to a healthy and satisfying relationship (i.e kind, sane, supportive, stable etc.) I realized he was all of these things.

I started out slowly and things were a little tough to start with but I hung in there and thank God I did.  Now today I ‘m  8 months into the best relationship I ever had, with a man I am very much in love with.  It gets better and better.  Dave is already talking about buying our perfect house so we can spend our lives together.

 5) How did that make you feel?

I now feel ‘Safe, happy and secure’ … which was exactly what I wrote I was looking for in my online profile well over 5 years ago!

**************

As a postscript, and not on the testimonial I sent to Evan (although maybe it should be) I added some things that might help others:

1. It’s important to start out with a guy who’s into you, and making the effort, fighting if need be.  Doesn’t matter if you’re not that into him (as I’ve proven).  I was busy, often unavailable and kind of ‘full of myself’, not because I was playing games but because I was!

2. Physical stuff that you don’t like can be changed – like weight and clothing.  Even unbearable sniffing can disappear if he’s motivated.

Dave lost 25 lbs and got a whole new wardrobe.  I was careful not to tell him he didn’t look good – I made it about ME, wanting a future with a man who cared about his weight for health as much as for appearance, and that being with somebody not on the same page regarding exercise/nutrition wouldn’t work.

Now, instead of thinking I told him what to do ( I didn’t) he’s thrilled that EVERYONE tells him how much better/slimmer/younger he looks, and he thanks me for motivating him!  When we went to a big family wedding a month or so back his ex wife was clearly pissed that he looked so good.

She even told me that and started nagging him that he hadn’t listened to her so why was he listening to me now!  She had me labeled as the second wife already with the Joan Rivers quote about how first wives do all the hard work and second wives reap the benefits.  Haha.

3. Despite the fact that it’s a great relationship, we still have some stuff to work through, mainly me with my history of abandonment/trust issues.  These are more easily worked through when you are with a sane, stable and committed guy who is in love with you!

And those are quashed somewhat when he tells me he’s planning where we should live when we finally move in together.  No engagement signal yet but 8 mths is not that long and he knows where I stand.

One of his great qualities is researching stuff before he buys it and I joke that if he takes 5 months to make a commitment to a coffee maker then by the time he’s decided I’m the one, I’ll have moved on!

4. He’s emotionally available and honest so it’s really helped me (finally) understand men, at least good ones.  They like when you are easily pleased, can get dressed up or happy dressed down, they like when you thank them for things they do, they like when their friends and family like you, they want sweet but a little sassy is ok too, they like to feel like men and they want you to act like women, they want to take care of you, and have you let them.

When they don’t call or text it doesn’t mean they don’t love you, it means they are busy.  They love to be teased and touched and sent funny/sexy texts.  They love spontaneity and they don’t want to be told what to do.

It’s ok to tell them you don’t like something but don’t make it personal. I could go on, but you know all this.  It’s just so easy when it works!

5. I also think they should be a little more into you than you are into them.  This is just a feeling not a fact – I was thinking of making a post about that?

From Rori:

She’s done the work, she’s faced her own stuff squarely, she’s made no excuses, she looks for the best to happen, she doesn’t complain…and she’s now experiencing the difference that happens when you choose a man for his important, deeper qualities that promote LOVE instead of the shallower, external qualities that promote LONGING.

I know this can happen for you, too!

Love, Rori

Posted in

259 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on September 27, 2013 at 7:25 am

    YAYY



  2.  #2Mercedes on September 27, 2013 at 8:25 am

    Living my yoga today. From Meditations From the Mat:

    “The time I spent working to support my car was time and energy that I could not spend supporting my spirit. Eventually, I sold my car and bought a bike. Soon after, I took a night off from work and rode out into a fragrant spring evening. As my tires glided silently over streets wet from a warm rain, I looked up through the trees and saw the stars come out as the clouds began to part. Alone, in silence, I caught a glimpse of the grandeur of the universe.”

    I just think that’s so beautiful. Think about how life would be…how our relationships would be…if we all prioritized what is important, slowed down and took the time to really, really see the grandeur of the universe.

    Enjoy the weekend everyone!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  3.  #3Vi on September 27, 2013 at 8:51 am

    🙂



  4.  #4Emerson on September 27, 2013 at 9:28 am

    2 Mercedes
    Sounds so lovely! Wish I could ride my bike to work.

    Great concept though.

    I am voting for me today.
    All things that make me feel bad dont control me& I choose not to focus on.

    I have plans with a friend tonight. Looking forward to it.



  5.  #5Emerson on September 27, 2013 at 9:39 am

    Still feeling like texting cutecityCD but it’s coming from a place of urgency and “desperation” and I don’t like that… I don’t want him to feel that energy from me.



  6.  #6Mercedes on September 27, 2013 at 9:41 am

    Emerson: It is impossible for me too but, like you, I wish I could. I also wish there was a farmer’s market on my way home from work. I would LOVE that! 🙂

    “All things that make me feel bad dont control me& I choose not to focus on.”

    YAY!!

    And YAY for recognizing where your desire to text is coming from. 🙂 Knowing is half the battle. The rest is just believing you are strong. I believe it.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  7.  #7Indigo on September 27, 2013 at 10:20 am

    Mercedes,

    I agree, that is beautiful 🙂

    I too am having a revelation of the grandeur and beauty of the universe.



  8.  #8Olivia on September 27, 2013 at 10:25 am

    My bf of 18 months (8 months post-Rori!) was being super loving the other night and we had a magical night, and then he started saying some really nice things, and I caught myself feeling REPELLED and wanting to back away!

    Gah! This stuff goes so deep! A man telling me how much he adores me made me feel UNSAFE.

    Crazy town!

    So the fun continues. 🙂

    Happy Friday to all the Sirens and I hope you all have fun weekend plans of self-care and/or fun with girlfriends or family or menfolk!



  9.  #9Heart on September 27, 2013 at 10:30 am

    Everyone is going to hate on me…But…

    Sane and supportive sounds so Boring.
    Ick.
    Sounds so Passionless…



  10.  #10Heart on September 27, 2013 at 10:35 am

    Maybe She went for a guy with less options and easier to get….maybe she’ll wake up bored out of her mind in the middle of the night thinking…she settled.



  11.  #11Heart on September 27, 2013 at 10:39 am

    8 months in the relationship…?? how is this a success story…



  12.  #12Heart on September 27, 2013 at 10:39 am

    I feel terrified of ending up like that woman…



  13.  #13Heart on September 27, 2013 at 10:46 am

    “it was tough but I hung in there and now I’m in love”

    I feel grossed out ….I have a weird feeling in my stomach…and a tight feeling in my chest…
    I don’t want to talk about my future man like that…
    I want to write a different story…
    can’t you be walking on air and healthy at the same time?



  14.  #14Heart on September 27, 2013 at 10:55 am

    Stopping now…
    just felt a bit triggered…



  15.  #15Mercedes on September 27, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    “I don’t want to talk about my future man like that…
    I want to write a different story…
    can’t you be walking on air and healthy at the same time?”

    I love this Heart. I think I like your story. I know I like mine and it doesn’t match the one in the post either. 🙂 I believe we can all write our own stories…the one of our dreams…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  16.  #16Indigo on September 27, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    Heart,

    I kind of agree with you. This all sounds so cool and reasonable, I’m not sure it’s me at all…



  17.  #17Indigo on September 27, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    Mercedes & Heart,

    yeah, I’d like to believe I can meet someone who fits me. And I am a deeply passionate, deeply sensitive, deeply creative dreamer and I’ve always known I need someone who reverberates with this, and in my heart of hearts I feel it exists.

    The thought of being with someone whose only quality to recommend him is that he adores me makes me feel nauseous 🙁



  18.  #18Heart on September 27, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    Mercerdes – awwwwwwr. Fuzzy feeling.

    Indigo – Glad I’m not the only one feeling that way. 🙂



  19.  #19Olivia on September 27, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    @Heart – it doesn’t need to be your story!

    my man is hot and brooding and mysterious. we used to date three years ago and he seemed like a player so I said “bye.” two years later he showed up and i was skeptical but with the tools he just kept hanging in there with things getting better and better!

    i never thought he’d be THIS guy!

    Who knows what your story will look like….keep everyone tuned in!



  20.  #20Dominique on September 27, 2013 at 1:06 pm

    Heart – Sane and supportive can also be heart racing, pitter patter excitement and passion as well. And this may sometimes mean giving someone a chance, one who may not make you go all weak at the knees initially.

    This has been my story, and there was nothing reasonable, cool, or rational let alone calculated about it at all.

    xxoo



  21.  #21Indigo on September 27, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    Olivia & Dominique,

    🙂



  22.  #22CurvySiren10 on September 27, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    Heart~ 13. I believe you CAN have healthy and ‘walking on air’ at the same time! It all boils down what makes YOU ‘walk on air’. For some women, sane & supportive may do that, as Dominique inferred.

    Not for me, lol. But for some. But yes, both being present is the key for real attraction in my opinion.



  23.  #23Veronica on September 27, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    I thought that a man truly capable of being supportive had to have fire/vigour in him. And I’m not talking about the loud, fiery man. No images of placid men in my mind there either. I’m not convinced of a man’s capability for devotion if he’s unsupportive. I’d just think that he didn’t have the strength to last. And devotion is a very active thing for me, it’s not an ‘oh well we’re committed, no need to bother anymore’ – no, for me it’s the beginning of exploring and probing the love that’s being allowed to grow, which requires a certain tenacity.



  24.  #24Sophie on September 27, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    I love the comments 🙂 Seems one size does not fit all…I can understand though how safety and reliability becomes very attractive and does not necessarily equate to boring ha ha

    When I first started dating CDB he is older than all the men I had been dating for a number of years for some reason I kept attracting/being attracted to younger men – at first it weirded me out a bit because I was used to men in their twenties who still looked like boys (now I feel ugh) and he is 40 so looks like a man…I stuck with that feeling of weirdness and now I feel so relieved to be dating an actual man – one who texts me his coordinates at all times, doesnt leave me hanging and generally wants to uphold the peace and happiness – I really do feel like part of a team with him and not left on the sidelines (((hugs to us)))



  25.  #25Cris on September 27, 2013 at 3:54 pm

    I must say the idea of “sacrificing” being 100% about a man is a bit disturbing to me. I can understand this way you have maybe full guarantee of receiving, but it can be a bit painful not to be fully in love with the man you live with…



  26.  #26Cris on September 27, 2013 at 3:55 pm

    it’s just difficult for a passionate person!



  27.  #27Dominique on September 27, 2013 at 4:18 pm

    Cris – I think the point is that the passion grows. And it can become MORE intense with time.

    xxoo



  28.  #28Senior Lady Vibe on September 27, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    @9: HeartNo says:
    “Everyone is going to hate on me…But…
    Sane and supportive sounds so Boring.
    Ick.
    Sounds so Passionless…”

    I don’t “hate” you at all 😀 …
    but “sane and supportive” sounds wonderful; I’d want that in a romantic life partner…

    SLV
    xoxo



  29.  #29Senior Lady Vibe on September 27, 2013 at 5:42 pm

    oops 😳
    Sorry, Heart, about the “HeartNo: it was a slip of the fingers…

    SLV
    xoxo



  30.  #30Wanda on September 27, 2013 at 5:46 pm

    I recently quit seeing my Dream Man..We have a 30 Year History(long story) but after being able to have a Romantic Relationship with him,I found we are not really suited to each other.,,The Romance was great. He is a great Man,opens doors,brings Flowers,sends Cards,phones three times a Day. But I find after the heat cooled down the conversations were all about him. If I tried to bring something in my Life into our talks,he always turned it back to him and what was going on in his life…I felt unheard and unsupported..He told me I was to emotional and that I make it hard for him to Love me. I want a Passionate Man who likes to laugh (He used to be both) I just do not want to haveto give up my needs just to keep him happy..I have lived alone for many Years,own my own Home,Retired and have Friends I do enjoy….I will not settle just to have a Man in my Life,, I Love him dearly,but have Let him go..I wish him the best….



  31.  #31Daria on September 27, 2013 at 5:57 pm

    yah i used to feel bored and scared at the thought of this sane supportive man, but now i feel EXCITED!!!

    i get it!

    it really helps that ive been meeting some FIIINEEEE sane and supportive ones…

    yum!!!

    Brenda from the blog actually helped me make that shift when she said she thinks the man for me will be unique and amazing…

    i was at the time tryna settle in my mind for someone Boring, who would be supportive

    when she said that, and i knew i was committed to supportive, i somehow got a Glimpse, that supportive does NOT equal boring

    its absolutely NOT an equivalency there!

    so now i will have my AMAZING and supportive man!

    whaaat!!

    i miss SexyNeighbor…



  32.  #32Daria on September 27, 2013 at 5:59 pm

    ((((((((Wanda)))))))))



  33.  #33Daria on September 27, 2013 at 6:01 pm

    Veronica wow I feel really turned on by your words about the man, and devotion… way to EnFire those words for me thank you VERY MUCH!!!



  34.  #34Daria on September 27, 2013 at 6:03 pm

    really helped me explode the image of ‘placid’ lukewarm ‘devotion’ and some of those images of fear and ick i was still having

    totally want devotion as continued exploration of the love… And… that feels scary!!!

    wtf!!!

    yay i love myself!!



  35.  #35Emerson on September 27, 2013 at 11:45 pm

    I was beating myself up a bit today, realizing times of mystlf being in masculine energy and acting on impatience, neediness and feelings of desperation…



  36.  #36Syreena on September 28, 2013 at 12:58 am

    Safe and supportive sound wonderful and amazing to me.

    I want a man who supports me in what I want to achieve and what I want to do. This makes me feel cared for heard loved and safe. Builds trust and respect in me for him which again makes me feel safe. It shows he respects what I want and wants to support me in getting it.

    The alternative feels awful and really unsafe around that person. If I tell a man what I want and don’t want and he tells me I am wrong and shouldn’t want it or should want it. Doesn’t support me, tries to convince, coerce or manipulate or control it makes me feel like I am going crazy. It feels like sabatage
    It makes me feel so unhappy on a deep core level, I don’t feel heard, I don’t feel got.
    We are incomptable on a deep core level.

    Being around someone like that makes me feel extreme anxiety and fear if they have any say or control in or over my life.

    It can start of with me saying no thank you and being polite for instance when I say I don’t want something or to do something.
    And then feeling disrespected if they push, try and get me to change my mind.
    Telling me I am difficult or awkward because I don’t want to do what they want.
    Calling me names or trying to force me. Trying to control me
    This all increases my anxiety, I start to feel palpatations, heart rate increasing, stress, building up to panic. If they back off I feel heard and start to relax.
    If they persist, my anxiety increases, I want to get away from them.
    If I feel unable I then want to attack and lash out to protect myself to get them away from me so I feel safer and back in control of me and what I want and don’t want.

    I don’t feel safe around people who I don’t feel heard around and try and force or control me into doing something I don’t want to do. I feel anxious and on edge around them.

    I only want saf

    F



  37.  #37Syreena on September 28, 2013 at 1:01 am

    I only want to be in relationships where I feel heard, respected supported and safe.



  38.  #38Zia on September 28, 2013 at 3:06 am

    I saw christmas decorations in a shop today, and started feeling anxious and panicky at the thought of being single again for christmas. my ex moved in with me the day after christmas last year :/



  39.  #39Heart on September 28, 2013 at 5:43 am

    Ladies – I don’t think anything’s wrong with being Sane and Supportive at all…these are good traits in a partner but not the predominant reasons for being with someone (for me!)

    How would you all feel if someone asked your guy: Why do you love her?

    and he’s like: ” Oh I’ve been with some Firecrackers and women that just made me fall head over heels…But they were all wrong for me. They were just really beautiful and su ccessful but Bad News.

    I really love Siren….took me a while to fall in love with her andI had to work through some stuff. But she’s great! Unlile my my hot, sexy exciting exes, she’s really sane and supportive! ”

    Do you understand my point?

    lol Curvy.

    Dominique – I’m all for giving someone a chance! I don’t believe attraction needs to be instantaneous at all! This eventually boil. Emphasis on Eventually. I didn’t witness any Boiling at all in the opening post. Xx.



  40.  #40Heart on September 28, 2013 at 5:54 am

    things eventually boil…

    I meant to write that…I make a lot of mistakes because I’m on my phone.

    Anyway, I don’t want to debate with anyone.
    We all have our own needs and desires.



  41.  #41Vi on September 28, 2013 at 8:00 am

    It feels good to remind myself that I am the prize 🙂



  42.  #42Vi on September 28, 2013 at 8:01 am

    I feel less tension instantly



  43.  #43Indigo on September 28, 2013 at 9:05 am

    I read Rori’s newsletter today, and it was so wonderful, and I realized I have so much anger that is preventing me from sometimes speaking this way, and really being congruent with this way of being and speaking.

    With D for example, I was so furious that for so long I’ve been treated in a sub-par way, and haven’t got my needs met, that when he e-mailed me 2 weeks ago, instead of using feeling messages, my anger came out. I don’t regret that, I think it was healthy, and it did cause him to fix something that’s been bothering me for a long time. But I wasn’t crazy about the energy I was putting forth, and he didn’t contact me again.

    This is fine, this is ok. But it did point me in the direction my healing needs to take – healing of my anger, and getting my own needs met. And it did make me realize that I don’t think I am really capable of speaking to him in the way I would desire before a long time has passed.



  44.  #44Liquid Light on September 28, 2013 at 12:24 pm

    OMG, I had the most amazing date last night! It was our 2nd date and I ended up going over to his place for drinks and to enjoy his view. (I know, going to his place is a big no-no and I definitely had trepidation about it but it turned out great.) He’s got an awesome apartment with an amazing view looking out over the city. Anyway, we had some wine (really good Cab) and then walked to a restaurant which overlooks a lake. I ended up spending the night but didn’t have sex! He was def trying pretty hard (hahaha!) but I stood my ground and didn’t give in. 🙂

    He was talking about all this stuff we’ll do together, like going to see a band in New Orleans in January, and even said he wanted to be boyfriend/girlfriend. But he was kinda drunk when he said that stuff and in the AM he wasn’t coming on so strong with all the future talk which was kinda making me nervous.

    Anyway, it was an awesome date and he’s a great guy! It all seems way too easy though! It’s strangely a bit unsettling since it feels so natural and easy!



  45.  #45Liquid Light on September 28, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    @Heart 39 hahahaha!! that cracked me up!!! 😀



  46.  #46Liquid Light on September 28, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    hmmm, wondering if this is too good to be true…but I have the tendency to sabotage things with doubts and focusing on the negative so I’m not going to do that this time…



  47.  #47Gina on September 28, 2013 at 4:23 pm

    Hi Emerson and other Sirens,

    I have been CDing for a couple of months now. I feel so much calmer and having more fun with dating now that I’m not waiting around for 1 guy to call. I have not been calling guys except to return their call, and have only texted in response. My question for you ladies is, is it ever appropriate to send a text first? For instance, what if you were communicating with a guy from a dating site, and the scheduling for a first date didn’t work, but now haven’t heard from him in awhile? especially if the guy said he was shy. I’m getting the impression from some guys that they’re used to women calling them, so they may be getting the impression that she just isn’t into him if she never calls. What has your experience been?



  48.  #48Emerson on September 28, 2013 at 5:54 pm

    Liquid light that sounds like fun. Sometimes I just do with the moment and sounds like that’s what you did and had fun while keeping your boundaries.
    I feel conflicted about going to a mans house too. It is sometimes tempting because I don’t have alot of privacy at my house and sometimes it would be nice just to be at their place to watch a movie or whatever.
    Hmm what are your thoughts sirens…



  49.  #49Vi on September 28, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    I’m exploring what being enough feels like to me.. I’m going through my memories of childhood and the time when I was a teen and I got approval, and was enough when I just kept quiet and kept my opinion to myself; my passions felt like smth my family had to put up with and ‘tolerated’ because they distracted me from really important things… Such as geometry that I felt bored with .. Settling up for crumbs and abandoning my passions was really encouraged.. I felt ashamed of my wants and knew they are very likely to make me feel not good enough for parents
    Okay.. Baby steps



  50.  #50Linda G on September 28, 2013 at 7:09 pm

    I am feeling this same way with a man I am dating; I feel adored, pampered, he has ben patient with waiing or sex.(by his calendar, anyway)..safe, sane, yet I wonder, “is this the man I have waited for? Can I do this with him?”

    I intend to add new men to my dating life who may also turn out o be willing to do his, but maybe will spark my passion as well…



  51.  #51Vi on September 28, 2013 at 7:29 pm

    So I’ve got a message that the less I settle myself for, the more my worth is. I feel moved. Thank you.



  52.  #52Lisa on September 28, 2013 at 7:30 pm

    I have to say that after what I’ve been through with men.. sane and stable sound wonderful!

    When I met my ex “M” he appeared to be all of those things… and I wasn’t attracted to him initially but I knew to hang in there.. and the attraction came… just not with a bang… now I know what it feels like to be with sane, stable and into me.. and it was such a turn on.. wow…

    Of course things didn’t work out.. but I had the experience of how it feels to be with a man that is communicative, sane, stable and adored me…

    as depressed as I am now… feeling hopeless this will ever happen for me ( the above story). ( sorry Mercedes it gets the best of me)

    I’m not going back to unstable, insane or smooth talker, piney, unavailable …. I’ll just be alone before I do that again…

    “J” the first one e-mails me and say he is sincerely sorry for not calling me ( like he said he would) I sat with it… and finally e-mailed back saying I accepted his apology and I was open to talking with him ( he said in the e-mail to say the word and he’d call me) Well I said the word, he hasn’t called he texted me.. so I’m about over it…. do I text back…?? it feels weird to text back when he said he’d call… feels like a cop out on his part… this it he second time he has not called.. how hard it is to just call?

    I’m very tired… physically and emotionally of these men that just are confused and wounded and feel the need to tell me about their past pains with their ex’s… so ( and as “J” did in his e-mail he mentioned the book Attached and how his last GF was a Avoidant) I just don;t care to put the energy into these men that can’t put the past behind them…

    and reading this post it makes me wonder about why I’m attracting narcissists … b/c no one is taking care of me…?? I’m trying to take care of me…

    oh well, I’m kind of in the place of giving up.. sorry, but I am… I’m so exhausted from trying to do tools, work on me, my words, scripts, feelings, change my beliefs, read books, newsletters, I feel like gumby.. being stretched all over the place….

    You ladies must have a secret that I just can’t get….. ( i’m not being a victim just being honest, there is something I’m missing here)

    I’m just being blah… sorry.. just venting…

    OXOXO



  53.  #53Lisa on September 28, 2013 at 9:24 pm

    Things to remember when trying to know if a man is a keeper:

    You are a top priority in his life
    He is profoundly attracted to you (too many women love men who don’t love them back)
    He’s willing to prove himself trustworthy (you don’t feel like he’s hiding something)
    He is mature and willing to grow

    sounds wonderful where do I mail order one of these…. LOL!

    Insomnia

    OXOXO



  54.  #54LoveAlways on September 28, 2013 at 11:03 pm

    Lisa #52

    Love it



  55.  #55Indigo on September 28, 2013 at 11:06 pm

    (((Lisa)))

    Last night this came to me: Nothing else matters, only how you feel about yourself.

    And it made me think of how we focus on what a man is doing or not doing, as well as on the fact that there must be something we can “do” or “not do” or show or change or feel or suppress or express…

    When the truth is, we are enough *just as we are*.
    We are worthy of love because we are women.

    I wouldn’t accept anything from these men that doesn’t feel good to you. You don’t have to. As for the guy who texted when he said he would call, I would just say “I prefer it when a guy calls” and leave it at that.

    xxx



  56.  #56Emerson on September 28, 2013 at 11:28 pm

    I feel at peace with recycledCD. I like the place where we are, I am not afraid of “losing” him because we have decided to remain friends and I don’t “have” him to lose. It feels peaceful and nice and warm. We had a great day together and he is affectionate which feels good. I know I’m crossin some weird boundaries and for me this is unconventional but for now it feels good so I’m going with it.
    Meanwhile I still have cutecityCD in the radar ,,, not sure if anything will ever pan out, but it doesn’t matter.
    I am taking care of myself! Really good care. I feel and look great! Beautiful siren ((Emerson))



  57.  #57Tereana on September 28, 2013 at 11:42 pm

    ((Emerson!))

    Yay. When you mentioned earlier about texting cutecityCD, it made me think of what Rori said in the post about “love” vs. “longing.”

    I love what she had to say about that, because I think it was something I needed to hear just now myself…

    xoxo!



  58.  #58Tereana on September 28, 2013 at 11:57 pm

    Also this… I think I got to meet my “Mystery Man” tonight!

    I am sure I would feel more giddy about it, except for the fact that I have a pretty bad cold/sore throat.

    And also, it happened so naturally. I didn’t see him at all – he wasn’t one of the models backstage at the show. And then we were cleaning up at the end, and there was this guy, waiting to talk to this other guy. And then we were both walking down the hall in the other direction. He offered to take a bag of garbage I was carrying (like a man, of course;). And he wasn’t wearing the hat. All I knew was that he was an attractive, smiling, Indian man (of course you know he’s Indian. Lol.)

    But I noticed, as he took the bag from me, a ring on one of his fingers. Was it a wedding band? It happened to fast, I didn’t think about it, and didn’t look closely. But he did seem to have this “solid” aura about him. Which is different than you feel with single guys. He was flirtatious, but not an overly “I want to get with you” kind of way. It seemed to me, up close, at this time.

    And up close, I could see the details about him that weren’t necessarily perfect.

    But I know it was him, because I asked if he was there on Monday, and if he was wearing the black hat. And he said yes. So I asked his name and shook his hand. Then I had to go, and I walked out of there, feeling perfectly accomplished. He had stood there while the other guy, who was in charge of the whole event, was cleaning up and asking if I needed a recommendation : ) Of course, I was like, heck yeah!!! And thank you… I wasn’t even paying the guy any attention at the time. Lol.

    Anyway, like I said, it all happened so naturally.

    And I felt, thinking about the Wednesday encounter, that it was “longing” I felt. I even decided, earlier this evening that I might not want him for the long-term. But maybe just a short thing, or something. One night, maybe. Ha! But if he’s married, that changes things. For all I know, he’s married to a guy!! Lol. haha. Anything is possible.

    But now I feel good. I concentrated on me, and forgot about him. And then, suddenly there he was. Standing right next to me. And he has the same name as CCB ; )

    What shall his blog name be? He could me MM for mystery man. Or MITH for Man in the Hat. Ooh I like that. I was going to suggest iC for “eye-candy.” But I kind of like MITH. I can call him “Mithic” hahaha.

    Yes, he is Mithic.

    And I’m really not worried about any of it. I am getting calls from guys I’ve barely met. The man in Florida is still chatting with me. And a friend (guy) brought me provisions yesterday for my sick-feeling. Awww…He loves doing that kind of thing for me. Last time I was sick, he made me veggie matzah ball soup (he’s vegetarian). And he even brought me challah yesterday, because it’s Friday 🙂 So sweet. He really is a very nice man. We’ve had one formal date, and I even thought that he was too nice. But he said he missed me over the summer, and said some other nice things, too. It was nice chatting with him. He’s like me and wants kids, too, but doesn’t want to rush it until he finds the right partner.

    I think there are some other guys, I just can’t think of them right now…But it feels like it’s raining men. Hallelujah! ; )



  59.  #59Annie on September 29, 2013 at 2:04 am

    I wish I could buy Rori’s programmes but it is just not possible – but I read the newsletters and the comments and stories and I am learning from it. My love life looks like a major disaster or ‘n pile-up on the highway, with me always left bleeding. I am going to put an end to this – or grow old alone and be happy about it.
    I got divorced almost 17 years ago and had a few painful serious relationships with men I knew was wrong for me and with men I thought was right for me. For some reason it seemed to go in cycles of 2 and a half years – except the last 5 years was more intensely painful and humiliating and I had 2 relationships during this period.
    The 2nd last one came into contact with me via Facebook. We studied together, he knew me but I did not remember his name. His face looked familiar and when I looked at pics of our student days I realized that he was there – I just did not notice him – he was a nerd and I was very social and in demand. We started talking more and more. He told me he never got married and painted this life he had. He was successful and had it all – except he has nobody to share it with. He reeled me in gradually and eventually we got together face to face. He made all the effort – sms’s, e-mails, calls, visits, gifts – he looked like the real deal. After a year he asked me to marry him!!! One day I got a call from a women asking me if I knew mr X. I said no – because I did not. She said that my number came up on her husband’s phone bill a lot. I speak to a lot of people I never met because of my work and I told her that maybe I will remember who he is later. I told him about it and he tried figuring it out with me. About a month later the woman called again – for some reason I asked her to send me a pic (maybe it was intuition – I don’t know) but she did – and it was my Mr Right!!!! They’ve been married for 23 years and had 2 kids. He lied to me about everything including his name!!! I asked her to keep quiet for just a bit longer. When he came over the next day I greeted him at the door – by his real name. He went pale and started crying. I gave him a chance to explain himself. He created this other person and life because he was so desperately unhappy etc. etc. When he was done I told him to go back to his wife and beg her to forgive him and I never want to see him again. I was heartbroken and so angry – I would never have anything to do with a married man. I will not do to another woman that was done to me – yet he reeled me in to do exactly that – and although I did not know it I felt that I destroyed another woman’s marriage.
    But this was not the end. 6 months later he was at my door again begging me to take him back. He moved out and he is getting a divorce. His wife confirmed it and he had the papers to prove it – and since I still loved him I told him to come back when his divorce is final – which is what he did. Shortly after his divorce was final he moved in with me. He wanted to get married immediately but I had some requirements. His children, sisters and brother except me completely or I will not marry him. When these requirements were met I thought we would get married – then one day I got home and he was busy moving out. No warning, no explanation – we did not fight. When he came back 2 days later t explain why he moved out nothing he said made any sense and least of all the anger he seemed to have bottled up. He stormed out after ranting and raving for about 40 minutes – during this time I said nothing and just listened, trying to figure out what he is saying. I never heard another word until 3 months later when it was my birthday and Christmas he left me a card and a gift at the gate of my complex since I was not home. He finished his masters degree and dedicated his thesis to me and send me a copy!!! He also found out that his daughter wanted to come and visit me and said he had no problem with it but he wants to come with her. I said no she is welcome but I do not want to see him ever again – he will not allow her to visit me.
    If you like I can tell you about my next major disaster after him.



  60.  #60Millie on September 29, 2013 at 2:44 am

    Tereana–I’m interested to read about love vs. longing, do you know where I can find that post?

    I love that your encounter felt so easy! That is the best feeling, when you didn’t have to “think” about it or do anything!!

    I realized today–which an apparently obvious realization–that instead of focusing on the goal of having men to CD–that I should just close my eyes and focus on me and my vibe and that the rest will fall into place. I think I have been “working” on myself with the intent and expectation that men will respond to it and feeling frustrated when it seems they respond unfavorably. I need to trust that their responses are their responses and that I am doing nothing wrong. Well actually–what I am doing wrong, the BIGGEST thing I am doing wrong, is thinking that “it’s me.” That I’m the problem…..that I need fixing. Maybe I do need fixing…but not because a man didn’t call back, but because of how I’m feeling about myself because of it…so from now on, as much as I want CD’s, I’m taking to focus off acquiring them and bettering myself inside out–which I know is what this process is all about and it’s been staring me in the face. Sometimes it takes awhile to really “get” something in the marrow of your bones…I see how knowing something and feeling something and believing it are completely different things!

    I haven’t heard from SparkCD…and as the time passes I find myself wanting him less, which is GREAT!! If he called, I’d consider going out depending….but now I feel like–if it wasn’t meant to be, there is a really good reason and I don’t want to become entangled with someone that isn’t truly right for me…

    I find my mind wandering to this other man who told me he isn’t in a place to pursue a relationship–that he is overcoming a breakup and dealing with those emotions…however, I have a feeling about him…a good feeling…at the same time I don’t want to get invested, but he feels like warm bathwater to me…not too hot where I’d get burned, but not too cold to where there is no attraction. I want to trust my gut these days, and my gut tells me not to write him off–but to also step back. I feel myself bouncing between “letting go” with him emotionally and feeling cautious since he said he’s in a different place right now.. We’ll see what happens….I’m comfortable being just friends.



  61.  #61Zia on September 29, 2013 at 5:07 am

    I’ve decided I’m going to have a boyfriend by new years eve.



  62.  #62Emerson on September 29, 2013 at 8:58 am

    I miss feeling pursued by someone I’m actually interested in…
    Funny how in the beginning I didn’t think too much of cutecityCD and now he won me over and I find myself pining lol…

    I feel worried that I “ruined” things with him because I slipped into some masculine behavior ….

    Feeling impatient brings that out in me…



  63.  #63Emerson on September 29, 2013 at 9:13 am

    Thanks for the hugs tereana.

    How funny about your mystery man. Very interesting. I have a feeling this is not the end.



  64.  #64Lisa on September 29, 2013 at 10:18 am

    @Indigo #54 Thanks! I need to keep remembering that… b/c all this talk of changing and tools and such it keeping me in the mode of needing to change to attract the ‘right “man…
    that brings tears

    @ Emerson !! <3 Yay!!!!

    I think I'll do TheWork on "I'm not enough as I am"… that seems to be the root of it all…

    on a side note: I keep hearing and reading about sex it a way to connect to a man b/c as Tony Robbins says b/c we are at our most vulnerable… and I also read about how sex isn't what it takes to keep a man…

    Ok I'm not trying to be a sex goddess when I'm with a man I care about, but apparently that is what they see me as… just b/c I'm a very sexual woman.. I'm open and I melt and I'm adventurous and experienced… and I don't turn a man ( that I care about ) down for sex often only when I just don't feel like it or I feel bad physically…

    so then why do men act like ( when I'm in a relationship with them) they can have it anytime they want it and they start to get a little bit cocky ( pardon the pun) about it? Is it b/c they are used to unsexual women that they have to struggle to get sex with? I don't get it?

    I don't feel right turning them down to be "hard to get" that feels manipulative?? What am I missing here… ??

    OXOX



  65.  #65allison on September 29, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    Sirens, I am new to the site and to the rori ray programs. I began using the methods and my man is responding slowly. How can I tell if he is in rubberband mode and will snap back to me or if he is put off by these methods and I will not hear from him again? How long does it take for a man to snap back?



  66.  #66Heart on September 29, 2013 at 12:10 pm

    #59 Zia – omgod me too…I want a BoyFriend! Universe send him my way!

    Ps….Make something Exciting happen now! Come on universe!



  67.  #67Liquid Light on September 29, 2013 at 2:16 pm

    So Hometown is coming on pretty strong. And wants me to come over and spend weekends with him, etc. I just met him a couple weeks ago. Is this something to be concerned about? Is it a red flag? He was coming on really strong with wanting to have sex the other night too but I resisted. But I can tell that’s not going to go over too well if I keep that up. He seems genuinely into me and I do trust him but there’s part of me that doesn’t quite believe him. He feels like he is too good to be true – great job, gorgeous apartment, fun, smart, cute, happy, into me…it just seems like its too easy, like I’m waiting for the bubble to burst. I tend to be cautious though and I think his personality is to jump in with both feet and with a big yelp! He’s very similar to my ex, they both share that zest for life. I do have the concern that the same issues might come up with Hometown as they did with my ex. They both have type A but fun personalities, boundless energy, and prob both are v demanding of time and attention of anyone they are dating seriously.



  68.  #68Lisa on September 29, 2013 at 2:37 pm

    @Liquid Light I would trust your instinct… IMO sit with it and get still and wait for your answer… You’ll know if it is a red flag or just waiting for a bubble to burst… just my 2 cents…

    enjoy it in the moment…. <3

    OXOXO



  69.  #69Lisa on September 29, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    So Matthew Hussey ‘s book

    I’m reading and actually quite happy to know that I fit into his high value woman category…

    and I love this part… b/c it is so me…

    “She is unaffected by superficial things. She is neither intimidated nor overly impressed because a guy has looks, money, or high status. She knows that she is worth more than all of these things…”

    Which is why the super wealthy men don’t rock my boat….. cuz, it doesn’t do it for me…. he’d have to offer up so much more emotionally, than all those things he has…

    I love this part too: “She knows for a fact that when the right guy does come along, committing to her will be the best decision he will ever make in his life”

    Yes! I do know that… I just get tired of waiting for him to show up!!!! that is the part that makes me insecure is that all that I have to offer…. and as much as I’ve worked on myself…he still hasn’t show up… that makes me second guess myself…

    OXOXOX



  70.  #70Lisa on September 29, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    @millie

    yes, I do that too! I agree! the only thing that needs fixing is that I think I need to fix me.. in order to be ready for mr. right… and @ Indigo reminded me of this …

    <3

    OXXO



  71.  #71Emerson on September 29, 2013 at 5:18 pm

    I feel blah. So many highs and lows lately.



  72.  #72Emerson on September 29, 2013 at 10:25 pm

    62 Lisa I find that interesting about men wanting to connect through sex…of course they want sex but I feel curious about this and I feel curious about a mans perception…



  73.  #73Tereana on September 30, 2013 at 12:32 am

    I am dreading lying down, because that is when my throat hurts the most. But I am so tired, and it is almost 12:30 a.m. It’s definitely time to sleep.

    But first, I ran into the Mithic man again tonight. He was with a Lady, this time. I can only assume that they were “together,” although it never came up. I noticed his ring was on his left index finger. Doesn’t mean that it was or was not a wedding ring. The jury is out on that. But what I do know what that I found myself having no real attraction for him. There was none of that “mystery” that I felt the other night. He was just a tall, good-looking guy. Not my guy. Nice!

    Meanwhile, I had some nice conversation with one of the models. I think he’s my favorite one. Because he’s not really a “model.” He was recruited and thought it would be fun, so he did it. I liked him. If not for a partner, then at least for a potential friend. And then I had a repeat of the Mithic Man experience. Where I was going to say goodbye to him, and then he left, too fast for me to go say anything. I walked out of the place, but he was already down the street with his friends. I know his first name and that’s all. Maybe I can find him without being too stalker-y.

    My guy in Florida hasn’t called or texted in a while. He’s funny. But I’ve been leaning forward with him a lot. What’s up with that? I had to remind myself that I have no real relationship with him right now. We’ve only chatted online and by text, and he called me once. That’s it. Then we got cut off, and he said he would call me back, but he still hasn’t. Last thing he said to me was that he would “definitely call me.” But yeah. Like that’s going to happen. I think by “definitely” he meant, “never.” He just said it to make me feel better, is what I believe. And I don’t mean that in a cynical way. I mean that in a real way. Like he really wanted me to feel better. But the emphaticness of his “definitely” I think is proportional to his true intention of not really calling me at all.

    And again, I have no negative feelings about this at all. In fact, putting it that way helps me see it in a light that isn’t “all about me.” And it isn’t designed to hurt my feelings. I may have said something to hurt him, actually.

    He wanted pictures of me, even though I had explained to him previously how it made me feel weird to be asked. But he asked for one anyway. It did make me feel weird. Then he said he was “just joking,” which of course he wasn’t. And that’s when he said he would “definitely” call me.

    Carol Allen has a thing about giving a man “what he wants, when he wants it.” I’m really bad at that. Would it have killed me to send one cute picture of me? No, and it probably would have made him happier. Instead, I made a big deal about it, and it made him seem “wrong.” All because of principle.

    But really, I can’t be sure of anything. I don’t even know if I would like him if I met him in person. He seemed nice enough when he called me on the phone. But that doesn’t have to mean anything. These things can be delicate….



  74.  #74Tereana on September 30, 2013 at 12:40 am

    Millie #58 – it’s the post at the top of this thread 🙂

    It’s in Rori’s wrap-up at the end, I think….



  75.  #75Tereana on September 30, 2013 at 12:41 am

    Emerson, I agree – the impatient feeling can bring out the masculine/leaning-forward behaviors in me, too…



  76.  #76Tereana on September 30, 2013 at 12:49 am

    I forgot one thing about Mithic tonight – he complimented my outfit. That was nice : )

    I find it’s still really hard for me to take compliments still. I say “thank you,” but that doesn’t always mean I’m taking it in. Still working on it…



  77.  #77Waterfall on September 30, 2013 at 5:37 am

    I so feel like I am on the sidelines of my own relationship, and my BF is making ALL the decisions.

    I’ve brought it up with him so many times, it’s now depressing.

    He is so smug as well with it, as he believes I won’t leave him.

    It feels like mind games and I feel scared and afraid..

    Yes, I’ve still not dealt with it sirens..



  78.  #78Frannie on September 30, 2013 at 5:38 am

    Totally random question…
    Has anyone had a guy make a comment like “you use the word “feel” a lot”? I am online dating and have been using my feeling messages. While I was out to dinner with a guy last week, he said that I use the word feel a lot. I wasn’t really sure what to say to him.

    Also, I was wondering if anyone can give me a brief overview of the Toxic Men program. I can’t afford to buy any of Rori’s programs right now, but need to know what to do about my ex. He is an alcoholic, but a great guy underneath all of that. We’ve been in contact, but I’m thinking it’s a mistake for us to get back together even though I still have feelings for him, and him for me. I’ve been using my feeling messages with him, and he has said he feels our connection coming back, however, I’m thinking that he might be toxic until he quits drinking. Thoughts?

    Thanks and have a great day!
    Frannie



  79.  #79Dominique on September 30, 2013 at 5:51 am

    Frannie – You might want to check that you are not using feeling messages for what are actually thoughts. I feel is to express emotions, anything you FEEL. I think or It seems is to express your thoughts, ideas. There is a distinct difference. When I feel is used repeatedly for what are really thoughts, it can feel incongruent to the receiver.

    xxoo



  80.  #80Emerson on September 30, 2013 at 6:28 am

    I think I ruined things with cutecityCD by being anxious and impatient. He did cancel plans on me a couple times which is a huge trigger for me….disappointment etc
    …but I should have just taken a deep breath and leaned back.



  81.  #81Emerson on September 30, 2013 at 6:33 am

    I expressed that I felt upset and let down etc…and we smoothed things out he apologized and we kept corresponding (he initiated) and after awhile with no plans solid in place I expressed I felt disconnected and maybe we are looking for different things. He again said he wants to see me but is very busy with work (he does have a demanding job).
    I feel scared I will never meet someone available and consistent.



  82.  #82Femininewoman on September 30, 2013 at 7:09 am

    Emerson I would ask myself how is feeling “scared I will never meet someone available and consistent” working for you?



  83.  #83Femininewoman on September 30, 2013 at 7:15 am

    Hi Linda. Hope things are at least peaceful with FavoriteCD.



  84.  #84Femininewoman on September 30, 2013 at 7:16 am

    Hi Simply Goddess. Hope you did not get pulled off your horse.



  85.  #85Jean on September 30, 2013 at 7:25 am

    Sirens-

    I need help to keep me strong! My boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up last weekend. During the time we were together he kept pointing out the mistakes I was making…the same mistakes that Rori’s videos have made me see….but I couldn’t see them when he talked about them..asking the innocent questions, trying to control all the outcomes, leaning forward, etc. About the time I found Rori’s website, things were coming to head for us. The tension was always there, a fight was always brewing. Although I can see now that he didn’t meet some of my core needs…I also never talked to him about them…I didn’t know them! I didn’t have boundries and I let him step over them time and time again. But we did have so many good times and there are so many good things about him. He is stable, sensible and very sensitive (not always a good thing). We haven’t talked in a week now and for a month before that had limited contact. And I miss him. Not just the relationship, I never minded being alone. I miss our conversations, I miss his laughter and sense of humor, I miss doing things with him. I was the one who literally sent him packing because the constant tension was literally making me ill. Now with all of my new information and new way of handling things I want to give our relationship another chance. But he has not contacted me and I am afraid that contacting him is leaning forward too much. What do I do?????

    Jean



  86.  #86Femininewoman on September 30, 2013 at 8:30 am

    Jean how are you feeling physically? Has the illness gone?



  87.  #87Femininewoman on September 30, 2013 at 8:34 am

    Rori Raye says:

    Patsy – The only thing to ever ask yourself is “Why am I here,” and the only answer I can even guess is that you’re afraid of life without him. You’re like an animal used to being in a cage. Your terror at leaving the cage, and stepping into an unimaginable world, is way stronger than your disappointment and unhappiness inside the cage. Again, I suggest coaching, and I can offer you free coaching with my Trainees through November. Write Melanie@CoachRori.com for the referral list. Love,



  88.  #88Femininewoman on September 30, 2013 at 8:40 am

    “In other words, instead of “Why didn’t you call?” – you would say “I feel really disappointed when we don’t talk. I feel like I’m having expectations and then I’m setting myself up to be disappointed – are we on the same page here?”

    Now, no matter what he says, you go to appreciation. That’s right. Even if you feel like he’s a jerk, you say “Thank you for listening. I love it when you call. I love it when I hear your voice. It feels great when we’re in contact.”

    And… here is where you turn your attention to him:

    “I’m feeling curious – what is it that you want? What kind of phone connection and consistency and continuity do you want from this relationship?”

    And then you listen to him!”

    Rori’s email



  89.  #89Emerson on September 30, 2013 at 8:45 am

    I dot want to give up I do need more CDs for sure. I went to bed last night feeling like I’m in action mode and I’m going to make things happen for myself. I’m not miserable but I’m not happy with work and living situation, thy are not serving my needs although I do appreciate both….

    I need more and I need a different situation to feel I’m at maximum benefit for myself.

    I can’t rely on anyone. I appreciate help of others and that’s great but ultimately I need to make things happen. I’m feeling my masculine energy kick in and going to focus on those changes for now and get myself in a place where I feel happy and efficient. And safe. And appreciated.



  90.  #90Emerson on September 30, 2013 at 8:48 am

    88 thanks FW for that it actually makes me feel alot better about how I worded things, I wasn’t as “off” as I thought I was I’m so hard on myself sometimes !!!



  91.  #91Jean on September 30, 2013 at 8:52 am

    I still feel anxious. And sad. And hurt. I dream about him almost every night. I can’t remember my dreams in the morning, but feel sad. For what could have been? I don’t feel physically ill any more, but feel very, very tense all the time. Just the process of letting go? I just don’t know.



  92.  #92sita on September 30, 2013 at 10:49 am

    Hello everyone! Have been reading this blog for some weeks now to read of your experiences. You are all very brave women. I have an arranged marriage so did not do all the dating that you have to. I did not know my husband apart from a few chaperoned meetings before my wedding and we have had to get to know each other afterwards. I come on here to see what I can do to make things more nicer for us both. Women seem to have to do all the work in a relationship even just to understand their men. Love to you all <3



  93.  #93Liquid Light on September 30, 2013 at 10:50 am

    Any ideas for how to bring up sex safety/STDs with a new guy? Things are moving quickly with Hometown (not my preference but I want to be prepared). We are seeing each other tomorrow and I plan to bring up the conversation. I know I’m clean and I want to make sure that he is. The way he was so willing to dive into sex the other night makes me wonder. Any suggestions?

    We are seeing each other again on Friday and that likely could turn into an overnight as we are doing something in my neck of the woods and its going to be a late night. I want to have had this conversation before that happens so that we don’t get “carried away” and I do something I might regret.

    Anyway if you have suggestions for how to bring up the dreaded STD topic, let me know. Thanks!



  94.  #94redbutterfly on September 30, 2013 at 11:24 am

    I always thought that safe, sane and secure were boring but I can tell you from experience, the emotional rollercoaster from what I call my “project men” or “fixer-uppers” are not worth it. I think that you can have butterflies and sanity rolled into one. With the widower, I feel like the world is covered in fairy dust when I am with him and he is very communicative, very sane and very reliable. I have decided that I don’t need to deal with emotional instablity or immaturity anymore with men. If I see even a trace of anger or crazy, they are not for me.

    For some reason paying attention to me and not putting all my energy into “helping” a man become a better person has made me feel like not a good person. I used to think that all the pampering and keeping my mouth shut and going with the flow made me a better person. Until I exploded and left my husband. I don’t want to be that person again. The scared, patient, longsuffering wife. It sucked!!! And so, even though it feels selfish, I concentrate on me and my wants and needs in a relationship. So far it’s working great with the exception of where I feel I am not worthy of the widowers love because I am not working hard enough. Rori would probably tell me to get over it, so I will! 🙂



  95.  #95Jilly on September 30, 2013 at 11:56 am

    Hi Sirens!

    Just checking in since it’s been awhile!! 🙂

    Our baby girl came a little over 3 weeks early. She is now 7 weeks old!! We were totally surprised!! She’s beautiful and healthy…

    It’s also a lot of work!! Finally she’s starting to sleep longer during the night…

    I’ve been looking for ways to find “me time” and to recharge and take care of myself.

    Today I am going to go have eyelash extensions put back on!! I love my eyelash extensions!! I feel so happy and excited about this!! My husband is taking me and going to sit and hold the baby ….isn’t that amazing?? He’s so so good with her, it makes my heart melt. I just feel so happy and smiley thinking about them together.

    My dad would have never done that for my mom, or some ex boyfriends I had would’ve never done that. In fact they would have probably been annoyed and thought I was wasting money…

    I like “sane and supportive” too. It feels mature and grown up… very manly!!

    I also love “my” love story…

    Have a great week Sirens!! 🙂



  96.  #96Linda G on September 30, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    Redbutterfly,
    Excuse me for commenting, we don’t know each other. I always feel hesitant, so as not to intrude, but hell, it’s a blog.
    I am on my way to where you are now. It feels strange, I was always in relationships with men where they were the star. When I had one that focused on me, I couldn’t understand it.

    Now its 15 years later and I am finally learning what it’s like to accept support, attention and feel worthy.

    Jilly, how lovely!



  97.  #97Femininewoman on September 30, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    aaawww Jilly, congrats



  98.  #98Femininewoman on September 30, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    Liquid Light just because you have the conversation doesn’t guarantee you won’t get away. When he brings up the talk is the best time to discuss STDs and protecting yourself or at least what you are willing to do. As for the overnight, he should not, neither should you assume that it is okay for him to sleep over before talking about it.



  99.  #99Linda G on September 30, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    FW and LL,
    Rori talks about this in Targeting Mr Right

    How unless you can sleep with a guy, get up and walk away without getting glued to him, you risk your vibe shifting

    And how talking about this before you are in the situation is key



  100.  #100Liquid Light on September 30, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    Linda G, talking about what? STDs or having sex?

    Btw, he’s the one pushing to move things forward not me and I don’t just mean sexually. I mean wanting to spend time together, wanting me to be his girlfriend etc. I really do like him but its all a bit much!

    I always have challenges when it comes to sex. The guy always wants to have sex sooner than I, and I always give in earlier than I’d like. Usually its about one month, but ideally it would be awesome to wait 2 months. THAT has never happened to me.

    But I don’t think having sex with someone has been that much of an issue (in terms of changing the dynamic) in my recent relationships.



  101.  #101Liquid Light on September 30, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    FW, we’ve already crossed that line. I spent the night at his place last week and I’m proud to say we didn’t have sex! So since we’ve crossed that line, I’m anticipating its going to come up again soon and I want to prepared for it and have the safe sex talk ahead of time. Is that not a good way to go?



  102.  #102Millie on September 30, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    Annie– wow, I am speechless. I am amazed at your poise and how you seemed to handle his deception with such patience and lean back. I would have started throwing dishes like frisbies at his head. I’m sorry that happened to you, it is easy to say it was all his fault, but I’m wondering if along the way in the relationship you ever felt or sensed his dishonesty? To completely fool you is a pretty amazing feat. I’m just throwing out some questions to help you maybe realize something about yourself that can become an advantage going forward. Did you feel disconnected to him often? Yes,I’m curious to hear your other story…



  103.  #103redbutterfly on September 30, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    Hi Linda G! I love when people comment back!! 🙂 Makes you feel heard!

    It’s definitely different to be the star of the show as you so eloquently put it but I am trying to enjoy it. I have a bad tendency of trying to fix everything, men, my child, my coworkers, my friends. I realized about 6 months ago that I need to stop doing that and just listen instead. It’s hard but I am working on it. Doesn’t an adult relationship feel nice?? I’ve never had one until now!!



  104.  #104Linda G on September 30, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    Agreed! Redbutterfly!

    LL, Rori talks about std’s and sex in Targeting Mr Right

    She says have the talk before you sleep with him

    There is no “right time,” to have sex with a man. Only that,

    . “If you find yourself getting too attached to the man you’re sleeping with and you can feel the neediness and desperation come back into your feelings and thoughts – back off. Give him less time with you and book yourself up with other men.
    If you’ve discovered that you can’t sleep with a man without feeling attached to him, then don’t sleep with a man.”

    Rori also points out that sleeping in the same bed with a man is just as good as sex for him.

    And have a rule for yourself as to how far sexually you are willing to go and stop there

    (I hope it’s ok to quote the program)



  105.  #105Linda G on September 30, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    Tell me, Redbutterfly, do you find yourself just as sexually attracted to the sane and safe man as you did to the well…less sane ones?



  106.  #106Liquid Light on September 30, 2013 at 2:20 pm

    Thanks Linda G, that was very helpful!

    Do you know what she means by this?

    Rori also points out that sleeping in the same bed with a man is just as good as sex for him.

    The two are the same thing??? So with Hometown, he thinks we already have had sex because we slept together (literally slept together, no sex)?



  107.  #107Linda G on September 30, 2013 at 2:33 pm

    LL, she says that the feeling of intimacy he gets from sleeping with you is equivalent to the feeling of intimacy he feels during sex, just as satisfying emotionally,

    It doesn’t really matter what he thinks, it’s how you handle your feelings that counts



  108.  #108Liquid Light on September 30, 2013 at 2:51 pm

    My feelings around it were feeling pressured (to spend the night and have sex) but at the same time enjoying his company and not wanting to leave. So they were kinda mixed but all in all, the feeling I get from him is that he wants to move a lot faster than I do. That’s not necessarily a bad thing but I think my tendency is to keep someone at arm’s length when I’m in this position and that doesn’t seem to be going over too well. Also, I think keeping someone at arm’s length is my automatic defensive position since it keeps my guard up and keeps me from being too vulnerable?



  109.  #109Liquid Light on September 30, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    I also have this fear that he is way smarter and craftier than I. He works with attorneys on business development and is really good at what he does. He told me that he loves figuring out how to out-smart the attorneys and ultimately prevail and get his way. If he can do this with attorneys, I’m sure I’m a total pushover. I’m wondering if I’m being played a little.



  110.  #110Tereana on September 30, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    Okay, so…I’m suddenly getting random friend requests (well, okay, not too random – they are friends of a friend) on facebook from some Indian guys I’ve never met before. Lol. First it was the one guy in Florida. Now there are several. Haha. I think they like my pictures or something….



  111.  #111Linda G on September 30, 2013 at 3:42 pm

    LL
    “What do I say about sex if I don’t want to sleep with him yet?
    “I don’t feel ready to have full-out sex yet.”
    “I don’t know when I’ll feel ready.”
    “Making out with you feels great – and I don’t feel ready
    for more.”
    “I don’t feel comfortable going any further…”

    I am avoiding going to this one guys house because I don’t want to be in that place. And shut down and run.Maybe that’s why not going to his house can be preferable, or at least having this conversation before you go there.

    There is nothing wrong with going to his house if you feel you can stick to your boundaries. He will be okay with this, unless he’s a baby, which is not what he sounds like.

    I like when a man is smarter than me, again, it’s having firm boundaries that keeps us from getting played.

    Easier said than done, I know



  112.  #112Amanda on September 30, 2013 at 4:26 pm

    Liquid Light.
    Ok where do I start. I think I dated this guy (Ok not the exact guy but this same type) First, I do not want to put any notions in your head, just gonna tell you my experience.

    You’ve met a guy that triggers a lot of things in you and makes you do things outside of your own timeline..that puts you off your game…and then you’ve already moved into the ‘he’s better than me’ mode again, that will be noticed by him and that will affect your energy around him.

    My hope for you is that you take this relaltionship in stride and take things at your pace and your comfort level…but keep your heart open…and then stop immediately any thoughts of him being better than you. That will only affect how you feel about yourself around him.

    You seem to like him…so go with that feeling. And you are in control of your life and your relationship with him more than you think.

    Much love and hope for you



  113.  #113Liquid Light on September 30, 2013 at 4:49 pm

    Thanks Amanda!

    You are making some excellent points. Its really interesting because this guy and my ex are similar in many ways: they are both v successful, hard working, very fun, family oriented, adventurous, and highly sexual. I think Hometown is a bit more secure with himself though than my ex who constantly had to prove his worth around me and others. Part of that was that he could be manipulative and controlling. He demanded so much of my time and attention to the point that it killed the relationship.

    I’m a bit worried that Hometown has some of those qualities. For instance, I’m already feeling a bit manipulated but I don’t know if its because I’m hyper-sensitive to it because of my ex or because its real. He comes across as being this very down to earth, self-effacing guy but at the same time he’s succeeding in a highly competitive cut-throat profession so I’m wondering how much of that is an act.

    HIs persistence in trying to get me in bed is the thing that I’m a bit worried about. He seems relentless. Is this going to be the dynamic moving forward.? I remember thinking that I swept things under the carpet with me ex that I shouldn’t have and I don’t want to make that mistake again. Maybe these highly successful, fun, charming type A men really are all just fundamentally alike???



  114.  #114Liquid Light on September 30, 2013 at 4:55 pm

    I like when a man is smarter than me, again, it’s having firm boundaries that keeps us from getting played.

    Easier said than done, I know.

    Yeah, LInda G, it is easier said than done sometimes. Especially when someone just wears you down, its tiring to keep resisting, you know? And then you wonder, well, why am I resisting….who really cares if I have sex with him in 2 or 3 weeks or this week, you know?



  115.  #115Linda G on September 30, 2013 at 5:02 pm

    Amanda, I like what you said #111

    I am finding that making the transformation to Siren, some guys trigger old behaviors in me, like overfunctioning and sometimes I think too much.

    My struggle has been to connect with and express my authentic feelings



  116.  #116Amanda on September 30, 2013 at 6:08 pm

    Liquid Light and Linda G.
    Love and strength to you both. Thanks for your kind words. Triggers are meant to just remind us to check ourselves and see if we are being true to ourselves. Like I said, I would never want to put notions in your head. Every man is different…but notice the red flags…spend a few minutes exploring them and then move on with your siren self. It is the best you can do.

    Love and hugs
    Amanda



  117.  #117Liquid Light on September 30, 2013 at 6:13 pm

    yeah, Amanda, I do like Hometown. I’ve been dating a lot but no one has even perked my interest. This is the first guy I’ve liked since my ex. It’s kinda scary.



  118.  #118Amanda on September 30, 2013 at 6:13 pm

    Liquid Light 112
    When you say “is this going to be the dynamic moving forward’ I say is this the dynamic you will allow moving forward. Remember, this is your life…you determine the dynamic. If you are not feeling good about it, you can step of this track at anytime…you are not required to do anything. You HAVE ARE THE PRIZE. It will be as you want it to be and as you allow. Simple as that.



  119.  #119Amanda on September 30, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    Emerson…
    You are just going through a down time. It is no more than that. You will be persuaded as you want very soon. Can you be patient until that happens? Just believe it will happen and do as you please until you get there again. Do what makes you happy while you have the free time to do it. Oh, the free time to explore yourself while you wait patiently for the right man to show up…this is a luxury. Soon you will be filled with loving and caring for someone you adore…I believe this. Do you ?



  120.  #120Amanda on September 30, 2013 at 6:23 pm

    Liquid Light…then there you have it. You are in “like’ with a guy. Can you just enjoy it as it is? How rare that is? How fun that feeling is? Can it be just that? No expectations…no worries…no stress? Oh what fun this is. Just enjoy and still pursue your own passions. This is just a great addition to your life. Let’s just see where it goes. I sort of envy you.



  121.  #121Liquid Light on September 30, 2013 at 6:23 pm

    Amanda, well I dunno. LIke I said there were some things I swept under the carpet with my ex and they eventually came back and bit me….HARD. I thought that he would come around and be reasonable and not be so demanding of time, attention, and body but instead, it intensified as things went on. I stood my ground and stayed on my horse (spent time doing my art, at work, with my family) and he didn’t like it. And he ended it. I’m scared that is going to happen again. The breakup was absolute hell because he was my best friend and we spent all of our free time together. When he dumped me, out of the blue,, he totally shunned me, wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t even look at me. It was awful! And because he had consumed all of my time, I didn’t have a community to fall back on. I don’t ever want that to happen to me again. I believe he had phsychological issues (narcissitic, controlling, borderline abusive) and this is why he behaved in such an extreme, needy way. I had never experienced it before. Now that I have, I never want to experience it again. That’s why I’m so cautious about getting involved with someone who has the same tendencies.

    It didn’t help that the guy I dated right before him, also dumped me out of the blue and wouldn’t communicate with me again. It’s really got me wondering why I’m attracting this and how I can prevent it from happening again.



  122.  #122Amanda on September 30, 2013 at 6:35 pm

    Liquid Light…you’re answering your own questions. You imersed yourself into him and didn’t have anything of your own to fall back on when it failed. I recently did that. You have the answers to keep it from hurting you in this way again. DON”T DO THAT. Don’t make any man the center of your universe until you are sure he is THE ONE. And he has made it clear you are THE ONE It sounds complicated but it’s not. And as to your question as to prevent it from happening again…you cannot…the only thing you can do is be aware of when you are triggered and know what your plan is to protect your heart but stay open at the same time. Have your plan and stick to that. You can be open and aware and loving and caring and also protective of your heart at the same time. That is actually very attractive to a guy



  123.  #123Amanda on September 30, 2013 at 6:39 pm

    PS…Liquid Light…I misspoke..no one should be the center of your universe except you…why:? Because no one can be but you, So what I really mean is that no one should have that kind of focus ever all the time. It is always about you. And if it is about you, you will be caring enough to give to others as needed. While still taking care of yourself. It is like on a plane when they tell you to put on your oxygen mask before assisting others. You can only take care of others AFTER you have taken care of yourself



  124.  #124Liquid Light on September 30, 2013 at 6:40 pm

    Amanda, yeah, I do like him and that feels really nice. I guess I’ll just keep following my heart and enjoying spending time with him. I’m definitely keeping my eyes wide open though and if something seems off this time around, I’m NOT sweeping it under the carpet. So I guess its that RR thing – soft on the outside but strong on the inside…something like that???



  125.  #125Liquid Light on September 30, 2013 at 6:45 pm

    Amanda, yeah, I hear what you are saying and everyone says that but the thing is that I wasn’t making him the center of my world. HE was the one putting constant pressure on me for all of my time and attention. I honestly didn’t have time for anyone else because there was already tension there with him feeling like I wasn’t spending enough time with him as it was. Its tough to communicate if you haven’t been involved with this type of person before. They are ALL CONSUMING is they aren’t getting their egotistical needs met by having you wrap your whole life around them then they will go find someone who will. Believe me it wasn’t at all my choice to have my world so wrapped up around him. But its not easy (and I think this is part of the manipulation) when they are constantly wining and dining you, taking you on trips, taking you to festivals, live music, skiing, biking, hiking…all that fun stuff, its not easy to say No…you kind of feel like a fool but I did put my foot down, and after I while of the tension building between us, he dumped me.



  126.  #126Lisa on September 30, 2013 at 7:10 pm

    I got caught up in the moment with “M” and totally forgot the STD talk… it’s hard when your body is telling you one thing and your mind is not into Logic..at the very moment… raging hormones and erections and how to remember to OH!..before….we, we need to talk..

    but, he got tested anyway… I just put it nicely.. that I’m really health conscious and would he mind getting tested.. of course he knew that if he wanted to have sex again, we’d have to have tests… he did.. he grumbled about it…

    With “R” who is out of the picture… he said to me, you should know I don’t have anything disease wise to give you, and I said that’s great, I don’t either. I’d want tests done before we have sex…

    I noticed that he agreed to and I also noticed that he kind of still was coaxing me the next date to have sex.. but I said, I’m not ready yet…

    I also noticed that he departed after that.. which was fine, I was done anyways.. but I felt good to be on my bridge…not have any expectations, and not give in…

    Any feedback if anyone has any on how to keep from, if your a very sexual woman, from a man taking that for granted without withholding sex to make him work for it, b/c that feels manipulative, when I really do want it… or do I just look for a man that is more sexual than me.. ??

    OXOXO



  127.  #127Lisa on September 30, 2013 at 7:25 pm

    I feel angry when people tell me I need to heal before Mr. Right can come knocking at my door..

    I feel frustrated when people say that I’m not ready yet. I notice they don’t know why.

    I feel frustrated when people tell me it will come in time, maybe years from now…

    I feel frustrated when I feel that even people that haven’t worked on themselves, seem to find “the one” …

    That feels awful …. to read that my high value needs to be more, my confidence better, and my self worth more. When I know lots of people who are insecure and not confident that have happy relationships and found someone that is perfect for them…

    I feel curious about that… and why should I be all those things to get mr. right and I feel weird about hearing that… it feels depressing…

    I feel blessed to be gifted a week at the beach with my daughter… and walking on the beach with her today, I felt sad that she is growing up so fast… and that I’ve “worked on myself ” so much since starting all this dating stuff, I feel I’ve missed things… and that feels yuky… I spend time with her, but I’ve also had to spend a lot of time on me and my feelings… and though I know it will roll of onto her and her relationships one day the work, I’m doing, I wish the time wouldn’t go by so fast…

    I want to soak up life, I have always wanted that.. just lick it up… and I want to be more present with all the things that make me just adore my life… and part of me wants to say “to hell with finding a man”…
    OXOXO



  128.  #128Luzydel on September 30, 2013 at 7:28 pm

    I am feeling passionless towards men lately…

    Went lurking on POF and felt empty; talk to SD and feel empty, Talk to captain and feel empty… I just feel blank like I don;t care if I see SD again or if captain stays or leaves…



  129.  #129Easy Breezy on September 30, 2013 at 7:56 pm

    It’s been 4 months of no contact with a guy who was unavailable. He didn’t choose me and yet wanted to keep me there and I couldn’t get away from him otherwise. And, it’s been 8 months since we were together. I want to stop thinking about him….and truly emotionally move on. And, yet I haven’t.

    I am so glad that I don’t have the emotional ups and downs I use to have when he was in my life. I think it is for the best and yet I miss him. Want to cd and yet I need to focus on my work as I’m in work transition.

    When can I live the abundant full life I would like? I want to feel my life is so good and so easy and breezy!



  130.  #130Lisa on September 30, 2013 at 8:01 pm

    @Luzydel I’m right there with you!

    I’m wondering though ( for me only I’m speaking) if that feeling is not empty but maybe full… and I’m not used to it… that crossed my mind this weekend..

    On a side note: I started on the peptides and my adrenals feel like they are calm.. I’m noticing more peaceful calm with my body… and my mind seems to follow… that feels good…

    I just did TheWork on “I’m not good enough the way I am ( for mr right ) and I’m feeling good about how I’m learning so much about me…

    and maybe me needing to Fix me…( @ Indigo was pointing out) might make men feel “not good enough” or make them question my worth, value b/c I’m constantly working on myself…??? I don’t know… I don’t know how a man’s mind works yet… but could be true that it makes them feel uncomfortable that I need to fix me… make me better, be good enough… and it could be, I don’t know yet… they might feel a vibe from me that they need to prove to me I’m good enough…??? I don’t know yet.. I don’t know a man’s mind yet… but I’m curious what they feel when in a relationship with me… ???? could it be it comes across as uncertain… and Matthew Hussey says a men can smell uncertainty a mile away??? Do I draw them in with certainty and then turn them off when uncertainty???

    My dad adored me when I was a baby… adored me.. I was his princess… and then I don’t know why… I became invisible… I seem to keep attracting this scenario over and over.. the men I date are like so taken with me… and then it’s like the rug gets yanked out… ??? I’m curious why????

    OXOXO



  131.  #131Liquid Light on September 30, 2013 at 8:03 pm

    Thanks LIsa that helps! I know I need to do it and I plan to tomorrow. It makes me feel a bit uneasy though since the way he was with me the other night makes me wonder how careful he’s been in the past. Divorced since 2009 and has had a few relationships and prob more than a few encounters so I do wonder how careful he’s been in general.



  132.  #132Rori Raye on September 30, 2013 at 9:45 pm

    EAsy – You can DO this! It takes practice, skills, a bit of courage…Love, Rori



  133.  #133Rori Raye on September 30, 2013 at 9:47 pm

    sita – Thank you SO much for being here! For me, doing the work of “understanding” how men and women work, how relationships work is not really working ON the relationship – it’s still working on yourself, taking care of yourself, gathering data.The skills of communication work all over the world. Love, Rori



  134.  #134Indigo on September 30, 2013 at 9:51 pm

    Lisa,

    I was having dinner with my best friend last night, and we are both amazing women – self-aware, beautiful, strong, fun and bubbley…

    And we are both dealing with the fall out of a relationship ending. And people will say all kinds of things – you’re not ready, you should date again, you should go for this, that or the other kind of guy etc. etc.

    And I really feel as if I have got to the place where I am happy with who and where I am. I am no longer saying to myself that I’m not where I need or want to be, I am no longer saying that I have more work to do or more to learn. I am TRUSTING in the perfect timing of life and the universe, and more importantly, I am trusting in WHO I am, right now, in this moment, and what I feel, whatever that is.

    I feel that I am beautiful and special, and I love myself enough to be kind and soft with myself, and not force myself to do anything or feel anything.



  135.  #135Emerson on September 30, 2013 at 10:21 pm

    I feel much better when I have a busy productive day. Not did if I will hear from cutecityCD anymore. We are not in bad terms but to me it seems he just goes about his normal routine like always and where do I fit in?
    Just tells me that maybe since it’s that way it’s a good indicator that he is not ready or I am not “the one”…



  136.  #136Emerson on September 30, 2013 at 10:58 pm

    I feel happy that I am not in a loveless marriage or toxic relationship



  137.  #137Emerson on September 30, 2013 at 11:23 pm

    Thanks Amanda for the kind words



  138.  #138Memulo on October 1, 2013 at 1:15 am

    Hi Sirens,

    It’s been a long time. Whoever here remembers me and my story.. I was dating a lot and working a lot and with dating it never felt right and I could never let these guys close. I missed smartcd too much. I tried a lot of things to forget and it didn’t work. I couldn’t forget him and couldn’t forgive him and it’s a tough combination. Yesterday morning I suddenly called him and he suddenly picked up but we got disconnected right away. We couldn’t hear each other almost at all and i called from a blocked number and he was asking who is this . after the call I texted that I called at it’s me. He texted back that he is out of town and can talk in 2 hours. In an hour he texted – after 6. He called at 6 with hus wonderful warm voice asking how are you but I couldn’t talk, said I’d call him in an hour. He called me in an hour again. Almost first thing I said – you won’t believe where my project took me. I’ve been at his old company for over 2 months. He was shocked. Then he asked me a lot of questions about myself, my life, my kid. He talked about himself only when I asked and I didn’t ask much. I was on a noisy street and had to ask him repeat his almost every sentence 5 times. We talked for a while and I suddenly realized he was not asking me out. So in the next minute I said that I am almost at my subway station. He asked if I was good, that I sounded good. I said yes. He said – ok, talk soon. I said yes, good bye. I was exhausted. I didn’t ask how he could do it a year ago. I don’t know why, I didn’t prep for the call. I let it go naturally. He didn’t ask me out, he is not interested. We talked as if nothing happened and I felt that I meant something to him. But it’s not true, something horrible did happen, I just didn’t feel like bringing it up. I was so tired from even picking up the phone and calling him. Funny when I looked at our texts the last communication happened a year ago, this day exactly.

    So to summarize he didn’t say he wanted to see me and I started with talking about my work. On the bright side, we must have had something right if a year later we can talk like this. I tend to portray myself as a victim, but he is probably wondering why I even called. What a mess and how scary



  139.  #139Vi on October 1, 2013 at 1:32 am

    Hi Memulo!! Hugs!!!!!



  140.  #140Tereana on October 1, 2013 at 2:33 am

    Sita (92) – that is so cool that you have an arranged marriage! Yes, it’s so different than what we do, for the most part. But also not so different. You can still practice all of these “tools” in your relationship, and use them to get to know your husband, and to let him get to know you better. And to keep your “romance” going.

    Truth be told, there are days when I wish for an “arranged” marriage, just to let someone else do the job of finding my partner. It can be hard work!! Lol

    Consider yourself lucky, girl. And I think you do ; )



  141.  #141Tereana on October 1, 2013 at 2:41 am

    Hi Memulo, I remember you. I don’t remember what happened with smartcd though.

    That was brave to call him!

    I have a man in my “rotation” who sometimes calls or chats with me, but doesn’t ask me out just then. And maybe a week later he will. He always initiates, though. If you called him, it’s not necessarily his “job” to ask you out. He could. Sounds like you were expecting it? But it’s nice that you could have the good conversation! : )



  142.  #142Sophie on October 1, 2013 at 2:49 am

    I am in a shame fog

    I shared some personal stuff with someone maybe I shouldnt have and I feel unsafe and like I gave my power away – it also affects CDB so I feel shame that I ‘did the wrong thing’ and ‘let us down’

    I’m feeling shame and fear to the point of depression and self-rejection

    How do I really NOt beat up on myself and not feel disappointed and frustrated with myself when I make the same mistakes over? How do I trust myself?

    Any ideas very welcome (((hugs all)))



  143.  #143Cris on October 1, 2013 at 2:59 am

    Sophie, treat yourself as it you were your best friend. Forgive yourself, understand yourself, be kind and supportive with yourself. You had some reasons for doing what you did, I am sure it was what you thought was right at that time. No magic wand that removes mistakes, and this is a good thing!! all the best



  144.  #144Sophie on October 1, 2013 at 3:05 am

    thank you Cris kindness feels nice I allow my emotions and my passions to run riot and it feels harmful to me – I would like to be able to exercise more self-control – i often feel all spilled open and it isn’t wise – i would like to be able to play my cards closer to my chest

    i guess i don’t accept this about myself – this is where i don’t trust myself because i seem to do it over and over



  145.  #145Memulo on October 1, 2013 at 4:43 am

    How’s Starla? Is she ever here?

    I wonder what FW has to say to me. Besides congratulating me for talking about my work.



  146.  #146ArabianLove on October 1, 2013 at 5:03 am

    I am being adored by a man that I do not know and do not want. I feel this very needy energy coming from him. I have told him it is too much for me and he is not getting the message.

    Meawhile, there is this other guy I have the total hots for. He has asked me out twice but I feel as though I have initiated too much online and now by text. He initiated the first time and me 2x there after. I have a fear he doesn’t want me. Anyways, it’s time for me to sit back and DO NOTHING but watch what he does. I feel like a lot of men are used to women throwing themselves at them so when we say no to a date or 2 because of other circumstances they think she is not interested. Then there are others who thrive on this being rejected lol.
    How complicated :P!



  147.  #147sita on October 1, 2013 at 5:10 am

    Tereana (140) – Hi Tereana, nice to meet you 🙂
    Thought I would like to start writing because my route is a bit different and maybe, it may throw up something useful.

    When we were children we were told that one day we would be married and that our parents would find someone good for us. So we grow up not worrying about that and knowing it would be sorted out. Although they tell us that we need not get married it was always implied that it was the normal thing to do.

    So my parents did consult eastern astrologer to check that any prospective husbands would have good matching points of personality. Nine is considered the best and they found three gentlemen like that with reasonable paid jobs and prospects. All of them were in other districts so I would have to move quite a way away to be with them but I thought that would be fine. My parents showed me pictures, then I met all of them for tea. I chose the one who had good sense of humour and seemed most at ease and my parents liked him too. I met him once more with his parents to see if they liked me (which was quite daunting lol) and then marriage date was arranged and we were engaged.

    We did not do personal stuff for quite a while because we get to know each other. In that, I learn men quite different from women when you live with them in a marriage. Not a shock but they do not have such big emotions except for temper *laughs*. If you give my husband his meal OK, make him comfortable and then talk to him, is better!

    Love to all <3



  148.  #148Daria on October 1, 2013 at 6:50 am

    ((((((Memulo))))))



  149.  #149Dominique on October 1, 2013 at 6:55 am


  150.  #150Daria on October 1, 2013 at 6:56 am

    Yay Jilly!



  151.  #151Daria on October 1, 2013 at 7:11 am


    Options

    Nicole Abundance
    A man can’t pursue a woman or FEEL her magic if she is chasing him or being a woman “in” waiting

    There is a deep desire in the hearts of women in general to feel as though we are being claimed by a man.

    However, there is an energetic habit many have developed that kills their chances of a man really ever knowing how amazing they are.

    They need to take the lead. In one way or another.

    They feel as though masculine interest and attention is the green light to fill in the blanks, still playing in the “equality” pond when it comes to men.

    But millions of years of evolution still have some core rules.

    Men want to feel like Men.

    The darker part of this habit may bring thoughts of “Why the fu*k do I have to wait for him to make the first move? Why can’t he just get it? Why doesn’t he step up? Why doesn’t he want to commit to meeeee??”

    If a woman is doing all the work to get him, staying in his circle when he does’t want a commitment, secretly hoping that hanging on will make him see the light or trying to follow rules to capture his heart, he won’t feel the conscious space to desire her in a way where he wants to go on a white hot pursuit to be in her presence.

    You are holy. If you make your presence holy. Men will see it that way.”

    ~ Nicole Abundance

    (find her on Facebook)



  152.  #152Linda G on October 1, 2013 at 7:32 am

    Dominique,
    I just read your article/link and explored other articles on your site.
    I read the post about “your sex drive” and how it will come back when you meet a man you have chemistry with
    Also, you mention how chemistry is not love or real intimacy. I feel not confused, but wonder how we can “create chemistry” as Rori says is possible
    I find I don’t have it with anyone I am dating, though how can I know if it will come? Besides patience, etc



  153.  #153Linda G on October 1, 2013 at 7:36 am

    Interesting, Daria
    I am doing work on manifesting abundance through meditation

    Synchronicity



  154.  #154Sophie on October 1, 2013 at 7:37 am

    thanks Dominique I needed that article too 🙂 probably once a week…



  155.  #155Memulo on October 1, 2013 at 7:45 am

    Hi Daria! So you think there isn’t much hope for me, right



  156.  #156Dominique on October 1, 2013 at 7:48 am

    Linda G – 152 – I want to first clarify that chemistry CAN be love and deep intimacy IF there is already a strong connection. This chemistry may possibly be there initially, yet with time as true love grows, this chemistry becomes more profound. It feels safe not filled with anxiety like initial chemistry often feels.

    When there is attraction or maybe a better word is curiosity, a wanting to know about this man, the sexual curiosity will be there too whether you are aware of it or not. The more you find you like this man, feel good in his presence, safe, looked out for, looked after, the more affection grows, the chemistry seems to blossom out of this all on its own. And it continues to grow with time.

    Very different from an explosive initial rush of chemistry which can just as easily expire.

    Does this help answer your question?

    xxoo



  157.  #157Mel on October 1, 2013 at 8:03 am

    Hi Sirens. ♥

    I like this post. But I can see how he might appear to be “boring” or may feel like settling too. I’ve been there.

    I know for me, part of the reason I didn’t really “feel” it at first had nothing to do with him being boring or unattractive or dull.

    Mostly it had to do with me being used to feeling anxious, chase-y, pine-y… being the “convincer,” always longing for more.

    I didn’t realize it at the time, but my body was likely getting something out of those ill-at-ease feelings. Endorphins? I’d get a little “taste” of a man’s (even my ex-husband’s) attention and I’d be like “Butterflies! Oh! SUCCESS! this feels great!” only to find myself feeling lonely, anxious (Where is he anyway????) and churning stomach the next.

    So when stable, sane and supportive men started to show up… it DID feel boring. I wasn’t getting a fix.

    Instead, I was getting overwhelming amount of energy directed AT me. It was a constant flow. I almost felt flooded. Too much attention thank-you… give me some space please…. I don’t know what to do with this energy… I certainly can’t accept it….. Boring AND smothering… Desperate! Yikes!

    It was in changing my perspective in how a relationship should feel that “boring” actually started to feel peaceful. “Smothering” felt adored and cherished. It feels good to not have to chase any more. Having a steady flow of energy and attention coming towards me feels so much better than brief bursts followed by anxiety. Trust feels amazing! And there’s nothing better for a sex-life than complete trust. 😉

    I would never say: Yah… he’s super boring and I didn’t like him at first, but at least he’s stable and supportive!

    It was more like…. Wow, how could I not have seen how interesting and sexy and amazing this person was at the beginning?

    It’s a good thing that he was sane enough to realize I’d come around. That he was patient enough to wait. I guess it’s because I’m totally worth it too. 🙂



  158.  #158Mel on October 1, 2013 at 8:05 am

    Awwwwww! Yay Jilly! 🙂



  159.  #159Annie on October 1, 2013 at 8:06 am

    Hi Millie. Thanks for reacting to my post. This was the 1st time I shared this with anybody. I could not tell anybody I know – I felt so humiliated and stupid!!! Believe me – on the inside I wanted to die, I wanted to break things – like his face, but I think I was in total shock. To be honest – I have no idea how I kept relatively calm and looking back I have no idea how I managed to forgive him – maybe deep down I did not – and that is why it did not work.
    When it all came out I asked him how he managed to spend so much time with me – during the week and weekends – without his wife asking questions. He said she never asked him where he was going or where he’s been!!! I asked him about his wedding ring – he said he took it off years ago and she never even noticed that he is not wearing it. I felt connected to him in every way, I never for a moment felt that he was not “there”. At some point I got very sick and ended up in hospital – he was there for me. Christmas, new year, birthdays, valentines day – all spend with me. I don’t know if I was too trusting or just stupid. Your thoughts on what I might’ve missed are welcome – that is why I shared my story – because I just don’t know.



  160.  #160Memulo on October 1, 2013 at 8:23 am

    I was just happy to hear his voice. When I called in the morning and we were interrupted I thought he hung up on me once hexheard my voice. It took a lot of strength and determination to text that it was me. Turned out he called and texted the whole day to get me on the phone afterwards. I couldn’t discuss the horrible part in the street in that conversation. I just bubbled and answered his questions one after another. maybe I switched it into a friends zone?? I dOnt know.



  161.  #161Vi on October 1, 2013 at 9:04 am

    Mel your post put a peaceful smile on my face. I can soo relate to what you’ve said and your vibe is amazing. Thanks for sharing!



  162.  #162Femininewoman on October 1, 2013 at 9:12 am

    Memulo it is whatever meaning you put to it. I don’t think it was a mess I think it was normal. When humans have a connection with each other that has broken we tend to want to reach out. He likely would be curious about you and what has been happening in your life. I wouldn’t put any more meaning to it if I were you. It is at moments like those that I believe it is a good time to share passion stories.

    After a year why would you want to bring up any horrible part during the first conversation? I am sure it is not even horrible. What would that say about you? You reaching out, I would assume that yes it friendzoned you in his mind but after a year I would imagine that any human being would be having a life. Why would he put his on hold? Also even if you were friendzoned at least you would be in the “zone” somewhere for him and not in a no man’s land where he is not interested in hearing anything about you or not wanting to talk to you at all.



  163.  #163Femininewoman on October 1, 2013 at 9:19 am

    RE 151 – Thanks Daria. The concept feels good and I feel nervous just thinking about accepting it.



  164.  #164Linda G on October 1, 2013 at 9:57 am

    Dominique,
    Thank you for your generous response,
    I guess what I am feeling is doubt as to whether my lack of desire is due to the men I am dating, or is it coming from my own inability to tolerate physical intimacy, after years of being without



  165.  #165Memulo on October 1, 2013 at 10:04 am

    Thank you FW.

    I remember when Starla called her guy after 8 months he somehow gave her an indication that he was interested.. don’t remember what it was. Maybe 8 months is easier than a year. But can it be that I gave him an impression that I not interested and just called to chat?



  166.  #166Daria on October 1, 2013 at 10:17 am

    Memulo – from what I understand Starla dated that guy again after that reconnect…and … it (again) did not work out. She’s no longer dating him…



  167.  #167Daria on October 1, 2013 at 10:22 am

    Memulo – i’m in a similar situation with a guy i call BookieMan and… i’m babystepping to walking away from it

    your hope I would say is in continuing to work on yourself and opening up to men… (maybe even this one) without getting exclusive

    me personally I had 2 whole years of not meeting a single man who would drive to see me. It was only after I lost my license (and stopped driving) that men started to come see me… Everyday

    shifting the energy is the biggie

    my guess with this man is that you can swing a reconnect, more sex and more heartbreak out of it…

    I’ve done it with men I’ve been attached with …and so it took some babysteps to detach.

    But detach I have been, babysteps at a time

    it would NOT work if I wasn’t CDing

    for me a CD with a man I really do NOT feel atrraction for, (even though it’s a challenge to motivate myself to meet them) is the most Powerful
    vibe changer to gain power with the ones I Have been attracted to



  168.  #168Memulo on October 1, 2013 at 10:22 am

    Omg, I didn’t know that. When I left the blog they were so happy together. I am so so sorry!!



  169.  #169Waterfall on October 1, 2013 at 10:39 am

    Yay @Daria 167

    I love what you wrote about baby stepping…



  170.  #170Waterfall on October 1, 2013 at 10:41 am

    I am CD-ing myself tonight.

    Going out to a really cool social gathering in my local area, and meeting and chatting with a lot of cool and lovely people.

    And I know it will be fun, and special, and I’ll feel like me again..

    What are other Sirens up to this evening??



  171.  #171Waterfall on October 1, 2013 at 10:48 am

    @Femine Woman – 167 – I love this, it feels extremely peaceful and tranquil..



  172.  #172Daria on October 1, 2013 at 11:35 am

    Memulo – not sure as I’m just going by my impressions but last I remember she was CDing and recently was dating someone else she was feeling close to now … I get the impression she’s moved on and grown and into other men



  173.  #173Daria on October 1, 2013 at 11:37 am

    thanks Waterfall 🙂 the tool I”m using now is Graying his face and body out when he shows up in my mind

    so i can feel the energy but not fixate on him



  174.  #174Daria on October 1, 2013 at 11:56 am

    men writing me telling me im’m beautiful is making me feel gooood!



  175.  #175Memulo on October 1, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    Daria, #167,

    I was not planning to jump into anything with him, but he is not even asking me out, so no danger.

    Or maybe I really confused him with an intense attempt to contact and then talking about whatever instead of talking about us and then ending the conversation??



  176.  #176Sophie on October 1, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    yay waterfall 🙂 that feels sparkly 🙂

    i’m cosied in with the candles and the blankets x dark and autumnal outside x feel more inner peace than earlier x the house feels harmonious x CDB is here watching football with his headphones on and commenting to himself x feels warm to have his presence x



  177.  #177Daria on October 1, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    i freakin miss goin on dates mucho mucho!!



  178.  #178Starla on October 1, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    memulo! someone alerted me on facebook you were asking for me, because I have been asking about you regularly for months, lady <3. But I really don't like to post here anymore. want to email me at starduststarla@gmail.com ? I misssss you and would love to tell you all about how QZ turned out to be a dumbass that I dumped, and now I'M DATING MY BEST GUY FRIEND OF 6 YEARS. He's taking me on vacation this weekend 🙂 Cute. Email me Email me Email me :):):):)



  179.  #179Lilybelly on October 1, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    from previous thread:

    Thank you, Ladies for the congrats.

    And T-Girl, it was perfect for us but basically, he told me had something for me to read on his phone; a text and it was between him and my dad. He asked my dad for permission to marry me and thats how it all went. I was completely taken by surprise and when I figured out what was happening and looked up, he had the ring in his hand and the rest, as they say, is history.

    Then he booted me out the door to my tap dancing class. lol! It was awesome and fun and silly and perfect for us.

    June 28 is the date. Everyone is super happy and excited. There have been lots of happy tears. Not just mine either. 😉



  180.  #180Daria on October 1, 2013 at 4:13 pm

    Blood. U kno u my nigga… and im cool off fukkin a nigga that aint comin to see me and i have to go see. Thats so seven years ago for me. Ive spent my whole life holding it down for niggaz and all that did is get me played. im GLAD im getting control of my sexuality. and u my nigga forever an i wana come see u and fuk w u i dont want to be doin all that tho

    Power speech

    ok amazingly this is wat i would actually SAY and i was able to write it down

    now i can redo it and change my patterns

    i feel so exposed doing this on here in front of yall

    smh

    turning red face

    fukk i hope this helps me cuz this feels triggering embarassing to really show my self

    i mostly only do this with ppl i actually fuk wit

    ugh

    i feel sooooo uncomfortable right now

    ok i can focus on me now

    theres also a guy gonna hit me on Skype

    actually mayb 2

    and No name CD already hit me and i just talked to him for a sec

    hehe

    w my magnet on and i did not have to take it off

    oh i just missed my old best friend …the way im being so open now

    so change power speech?

    wat i want to communicate is:

    A) i love you and am down for you in our life, as friends . I am not gonna abandon u. I honor and respect u as a person in my life, at this real present moment, as we’re both alive. i can feel u love me and i appreciate that. i appreciate ur love and presence in my life as a person who cares about me.

    B. i dont want to have sex wth a dude im driving to. that for some shallow / crazy/ stuck up/ bad bitcch reason does not feel good to me and i feel pist doing it. i feel insecure doing that.

    ok this is the part i wanna work on. i know how to communicate part A, people always can tell that about me.

    ok part B again.

    Thug guys want a dumb girl. sweet guys want thug girls.

    thug guys actually want multiple girls.

    and he thinks im gonna be one of them.

    im the thug girl .

    :/

    and i dont want that

    i dont want to be fukkin a guy im driving to

    that feels bootsy to me

    i feel like im gettin played don that

    or like im playin myself

    or lowerin myself

    i aint tryna have that be me

    ughhhhh how did i lose all my eloquence

    i feel all ‘stuck’ again

    i feel sooooo triggered workung ont his

    yay i can keep trying tho thas wasup

    imna gt this Down

    .

    He want me to b one of his wives

    and i want me a supportive type

    ima jus b like naw to the wife shit

    and yah to the friend shit

    thas my patna

    i aint gonna just drop him out my life

    esp cuz w both kno nigaz be droppin like flies eulytime im not lookin

    uffff

    smh

    so no, thank u (Rori) i think ima keep the people in my lif i care aobut

    my guy firends

    cuz we need to know w down for each other

    and I STILL can do me

    power speech on no to multiple wifeness

    ok so he must think just like thug men do that he can have multiple ones

    and im going along with it

    aHHHHH :p

    pffff

    his aura so strong

    k im so giddy!!!

    its like u guys are my best friend

    im bout to figure out wat ima say to him

    OMGGGGGGG

    🙂 ))))

    eeeeeek

    girls gon wild style

    lol

    omg i feel so embarassed

    i feel sooo high off this energy

    i feel exxxxxxciiiitteeeddddddddd

    heeeeeeeeeeeee

    ok Power speech on no to joint wifenss:

    i feel swept away by feeling

    i feel unconcentrated on power speeching

    i feel sad

    i dont want to abandon doing this for myself

    and i want to honmor my feelings

    and theres a guy im talking to on SKype

    which feels gOOD ! hehe!



  181.  #181Daria on October 1, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    ok i can feel my strong feelings and have my thoughts swept away and STILL work on my speech. cuz it feels fun and like doin something for me. to grow ME. using my intense connection with Him, to grow ME. that is so whassup.

    ***this guy on skype is totally destracting me from writing my Power speech lol. i really like my vibe whie im talking to hm, im being hella mor authentic and lean back yay 🙂

    ima post my convo

    ok ^insert onvo later here

    my camera is stuck here
    with him

    h’s so smart!

    and im falling off my centerdness

    i feel sad he’s far in LA!

    🙁

    i feel unsure how to handle it now

    i feel scared to ‘blow’ it

    i felt myself getting anxious and putting up defenses!

    Rori says to say yay!

    yay!!!

    i caught myself !!!

    yay I noticed

    now im
    getig back focused on my power speech

    my power speech was about how thug guys want a dumb girl so they can have more girls so they thug girl is like a side chick and they gon have several wives cuz thats what thug guys do

    and then the sweet supported guys gonna want a thug chick

    so now i get to say no to one and (therefore) open myself up to the other!

    so yay!

    ok im on it now

    k boo i dont want to be a second girl to anyone or drive to men im having sex with that feels bootsy/old to me

    thats not wat i want and u still my nigga tho love u forever till the end

    and i dont want to have sex

    yay!

    this feels so empowering

    ok now all of a sudden i thought ‘what if i do want to have sex’?

    well i dont wanna hang out in this nigga circle hoping he sees me

    i wanna say a firm NO to multiple wifeness

    and NO to guys who arent taking me out

    like yo we cool we patnas and no of course i dont date guys who arent taking me out

    i coudl even have sex like i do with Dman

    hmm

    or not

    i Do want to have sex i dont want to Not do soemthing i want

    and i also have totally feel like i lost my power now in this ‘power speech’

    ufff

    just totally confused

    ok

    am gonna try again:

    wat i want is that sweet supportive guy

    and i thought he was it

    but he apparently thinks hes that thug guy with multiple wives

    and hes not gonna care what i say or do as long as im ok with being one of his wives

    because Duh he WANTS me!

    hes not gonna tell his hot passionate second wife he doesnt want her!

    he’s just gonna think, well she’ll get used to it

    this is my life, multiple wives… ahhh im the shit 🙂 yawn

    so i gotta actually say No to getting involved in this

    so that i can have what *I* want a one on one marriage

    who knows if its with him (or cares?) cuz really anything could so turn around as the energy changes, it might well Be him!

    theres no telling , cuz of course i will have upgraded my power

    so i can just chill like look boo i loue u and actually i feel not good driving to a man im seeing and im not gonna do that

    i dont want to do that

    thats not part of my ‘plan’ of what i want

    and its not something im actually gonna be ok accepting,

    everytime i do it i wonder if im taking crumbs, and i feel more and more distrustful of myself, and our connection, and you

    and i really dont want to not see u!

    i feel great being around u and it feels wonderful

    and i dont want to drive to a guy im seeing

    hes said something like ‘not A guy, me i wanna be the only guy’

    it feels so backand forthy my thoughts on this!

    i want this powerspeech

    u know what it really is? it feels shocking and confusing/disturbing that someone i love so much and feel so got by, would offer me something that feels so off to me

    i feel shaken

    i feel really mad and weird and ‘hurt’ / scared?

    i feel like pushing away the bottle filled with icky tasting liquid

    NO!

    take it away from me

    how could u!

    ick

    ok not their fault

    mom or his

    they Think they’re doing the right thing

    maybe they’re not using their intuition, and using what someone told them instead

    but its still not their fault

    so i can say AAH

    ick

    i feel thrown into a blank mind state again

    i feel blanked on the power speech

    blanked on that one lil glory moment of power and Getting it i had that inspired me to start powerspeeching

    sad frustrated down defeated

    i love all my feelings

    i want to go sleepy now and while im gettin in bed gonna think of the moment and refind that feeling about myself that felt so good



  182.  #182Mel on October 1, 2013 at 5:43 pm

    OMG!! Congrats Lilybelly! No one deserves it more than you! 🙂

    I hope we will get to chat about it once everyone knows? 😉



  183.  #183Daria on October 1, 2013 at 5:44 pm

    jsut a lil more

    wat may b confusing is im making it aobut sex

    and its not

    its about wifeness, relationship, involvment, romance

    yes yes yes yes yes!!!!!

    wiiiin!!!

    cuz sex ‘symbolizes’ that, but really ITS NOT

    it doens have to

    im Separating it!

    thats how i can have sex with any of my guy friends WHEN I WANT TO!

    and not even feel romantic attachment, like the last thing with Dman

    it will just feel like accepting worship that would feel good to me as male assitance on exploring my sexuality

    this is not about SEX!

    this is aobut More than tha, and i dont need to use sex as a symbol in my speech i cna address what it is about directly!

    omg

    that fels so real!

    cuz talking about sx throws it off as my feelings to that are diff!

    yah!

    wooh!

    Some things Are about sex, and some things are about relationship, and sometimes they interconnect

    and that was another glimmer

    i will think about this going to bed yay!



  184.  #184Lisa on October 1, 2013 at 7:15 pm

    @ Lillybelly That’s wonderful! <3 Congrats!!! I wish you all the love and joy life can give…
    @ Indigo I know…and my story is.. cuz I read it all the time with coaches etc.. that if I was in a place of healed enough he would show up… and I'm reading your post to me.. realizing that isn't true! and also realizing my inner child is having a tantrum b/c she and I have worked so hard that he should be here by now…

    I feel angry that he isn't… I feel angry b/c these men don't get me… I feel angry that it has taken so long… and I'm angry that "M" couldn't be him…

    and I'm loving myself.. and have been.. if that was enough he'd be here .. but that is another story…

    @ Dominique Thanks I'm going to read that now… <3

    OXOXO



  185.  #185CurvySiren10 on October 1, 2013 at 7:49 pm

    Lillybelly~~ So happy for you! lovely story! All the best!! xo



  186.  #186Lisa on October 1, 2013 at 8:05 pm

    @Dominique Great post thanks!!!!

    I thought some of you siren’s might like this post… I married myself… long while back… but this is a great short article…

    http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/08/advice-to-all-the-single-ladies-marilyn-j-owen/

    I had a good sob tonight… and more feels underneath… I’m stopping trying… not out of negativity but just b/c it feels right to stop… and b/c I’m spending so much time reading and healing me… and I want to start spending more time… doing things that make me happy, spending more time with my kids.. and just realize that I just don’t need to heal me more to have a wonderful man… for Gods sake.. i’ve been healing for 20 years…. I was saying to my ex today that I’ve healed more than 90% of the population.. and have been loving myself …. and no need to keep digging deeper for the sake of getting a man… I’ll do it as it comes along, and not feel the need to work so hard to get ready for him…

    He’ll have to take me as I am… flaws and all… or not… tools mastered or not…totally feminine or not… as I am right now…

    OXOXO



  187.  #187Emerson on October 1, 2013 at 8:55 pm

    6 Mercedes I love farmers markets! Thanks for your words to me <3



  188.  #188Emerson on October 1, 2013 at 8:58 pm

    Hi memulo!



  189.  #189Emerson on October 1, 2013 at 9:04 pm

    I feel like I am getting signals that it’s time to branch out from my current job…
    It’s not falling into place the way I had hoped and it’s feeling like its weighing me down. I feel a bit taken for granted and taken advantage of.



  190.  #190Emerson on October 1, 2013 at 9:24 pm

    189 hmm I don’t want to sound or feel like a victim. How can I make this opportunity work for ME?



  191.  #191Veronica on October 1, 2013 at 9:43 pm

    Daria – 33 – Thank you I feel so heard/understood, like you really got me on that : )



  192.  #192Memulo on October 1, 2013 at 9:56 pm

    Hi Emerson!!



  193.  #193Veronica on October 1, 2013 at 10:00 pm

    I’ve been busy with work and internetless and sickly but it feels good to be back here.

    I had a dream about BM – we were together, quite happy and making love, but underneath it all I knew I couldn’t trust him and that anything I had with him would only ever be short-term.

    Short-term feels so exhausting to me.
    I don’t trust him.
    I feel turned off by short-term. I don’t want that.
    I feel angry at moments of intimacy being dodged and postponed and never being picked up again. I feel denied when intimacy is treated like the ever-shifting distant goal when it should be normal and practiced often and easily.
    Ugh I feel so turned off by that.

    I don’t want the once in a while contact. Too much time inbetween contact feels like a lazy attempt to maintain interest. Like an errant father who buys his kids presents to make up for his lazy absence.

    Ugh need to process more



  194.  #194Emerson on October 1, 2013 at 10:05 pm

    Hmm I wonder why I let the tides of life carry me instead of making things happen..



  195.  #195Emerson on October 1, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    193 ((veronica))
    Wow well said!



  196.  #196Emerson on October 1, 2013 at 10:58 pm

    Ah I do believe in miracles…



  197.  #197Silent Virgo on October 2, 2013 at 1:17 am

    So it’s been 3 months since he decided that we need to slow things down as he wanted space and time to deal with his fear of commitment and dealing with his ex girl friend. We are still friends and we have a business together. We have a lot of common friends and we go to the same social events. Initially he would call and we would go out on dates, everything was the same expect no sex.. And I was ok with that. Loved him like crazy and I was ok with him wanting space and time.. Last month I found out he is going out with someone. Felt like a kick in my tummy and my heart broke into million pieces. Couldn’t believe it. I asked him about it and he stayed quite first and then changed the topic. I didn’t feel like confronting anymore. I had my answer. Now I’m feeling very confused. Shd I walk away from this relationship or shd I tell him I want to date other man. Still love him. Still have to see him everyday at work. I don’t know what to do



  198.  #198Memulo on October 2, 2013 at 4:39 am

    Starla, I emailed you last night



  199.  #199LoveAlways on October 2, 2013 at 4:52 am

    Feeling free and light and beautiful. Feels warm and big like sunshine



  200.  #200Memulo on October 2, 2013 at 4:58 am

    Maybe he is wondering why I even called him and didn’t take it as a romantic interest at all? I ended the conversation saying that I walked over to my subway station – not very respectful, right. But then he asked – how are you, good? You sound good. Talk soon?

    That is a friendly attention, isn’t it.



  201.  #201Daria on October 2, 2013 at 4:58 am

    “staying in his circle when he does’t want a commitment, secretly hoping that hanging on will make him see the light or trying to follow rules to capture his heart, he won’t feel the conscious space to desire her in a way where he wants to go on a white hot pursuit to be in her presence.”

    ok this part of nicole’s speech is what had gotten me motivated!

    i can go back to powerspeeching with it



  202.  #202Daria on October 2, 2013 at 5:11 am

    now he’s writing me on facebook and i feel like angry and anxious

    i feel the urge to cusss him out or ask him q about the future of us

    and i dont want to do that

    and i dont want to feel this way with him

    i feel good when i feel my heart open

    ok i can open my heart



  203.  #203Daria on October 2, 2013 at 5:14 am

    im not sure how to not push a man away when i feel upset



  204.  #204Daria on October 2, 2013 at 5:16 am

    is being warm like being ‘nice’ ?

    my habit when angry is to shut down my emotions and ‘talk shop’ and take out my fm’s

    this doesn’t work for m

    i feel so pist

    my jaw feels set and my mouth muscles are puckered and im frowning

    i love all my feelings and sensations

    i dont want to talk to him right now

    im not sure if thats true



  205.  #205Linda on October 2, 2013 at 5:25 am

    HEY…Hi FW ! @ 83 How nice to see your note to me!

    My computer gave up the ghost at home. I have had little opportunity to post/check in when I am here at work (like now hehe).

    THings with FavoriteCD are peaceful at this point. He has invested himself and willingly gone great effort to let me know that he wants me in his life and improve the relationship between us and to use his words “do what ever it takes”. He has certainly put action to his words.

    So at this point I am open to discovering where this will go between us. As I told him.. I was NOT interested in going back to what we had.. but willing to explore something new.

    hugs!



  206.  #206Daria on October 2, 2013 at 5:33 am

    he stopped writing

    i feel …

    excited lol

    i’d rather focus on my powerspeech

    i alaso feel scared and sad…

    i dont want to push him away 🙂



  207.  #207Linda on October 2, 2013 at 5:47 am

    I actually have been exploring my feelings around the statement that Rori made in this post….

    5. I also think they should be a little more into you than you are into them. This is just a feeling not a fact.

    I feel like this is true in my current relationship. He definately is a little more into me that I am into him.

    I would love to hear from you Rori on why you “feel” this is a good dynamic to have in a relationship.

    Right now my thoughts/feelings around this just feel small (the best word I could come up with)….. I used to feel this way about CD’ing too though, of which I am a big fan now.



  208.  #208Dominique on October 2, 2013 at 5:49 am

    Silent Virgo – 197 – I’m so sorry. It seems as though he already chose for you. It’s time to put your focus fully on you, fill yourself up in any way you can, with rituals to calm and sooth you, people who make you feel good, smile and laugh, activities which make you feel good.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  209.  #209Elsie on October 2, 2013 at 6:32 am

    HI Sirens, remember me? Sorry its been so long but I’ve had a LOT going on.

    So…..here we go. 🙂 Grab the popcorn. And I need some healthy advice. 🙂

    As many of you might remember, three weeks ago, GS showed up on my front doorstep and we talked for 6 hours and he begged to get me back. I was confused and never expected it and said I didnt think so. College CD then gave me …. “the offer.” He said that I could go and date GS if I wanted because he just wanted me to know for sure either way. CollegeCD said that he wants me to just know in my heart that I am the one for him etc. and if not then ok, but he ddnt want me ever having second thoughts or regrets. I thought about it and decided to go ahead and do it.

    A week and a half ago, GS and I went out. It was awesome. I got stunning flowers. I was taken to the hottest Italian restaurant in the city. We ended up drinking and dancing all night. He and I were very drunk and he couldnt drive home, so he stayed the night. In the morning, we woke up togehter. And that was when the crying started for both of us. We kissed, but we did nothing else. I told him that I couldnt be with him.

    He has said that he has changed, and I totally believe him. He really is amazingly different. Towards me, his family, his coworkers. He understands now that relationships are important and wants to bring those into his life. He has never been in love before me. Ever. He now understands that its worth the risk. He told me its the greatest gift that ANYONE has ever given him.

    We cried endlessly and I love him to my core. To my very cells, to my entrails, I love this man.

    So, why am I not choosing him?

    CollegeCD is healthy. He is the one texting me in the mornings “good morning beautiful” He is planning a future with me, already – houses, marriage, etc. He has never given me a reason to cry in 3 months. He stands his ground, but is always so emotionally available. He is handsome and so unbelievably giddy excited to see me. He has taken me to his work and I meet all his friends. He wants me to meet his family. He wants to start talking about a wedding (he already has). He is head over heals. He is hot and great romantically. He and I laugh harder than I’ve ever laughed with anyone. We can be passionate and intimate, and a few minutes later cracking up laughing.

    He sounds perfect, right? And he is … and I love him.

    But.

    But.

    But.

    GS is now telling me that he wants to marry me, have children with me, put a down payment on a house right now. He is ready to tell anyone and everyone about us. He is so handsome and smart and amazing.

    My friend had a great insight. She asked me to describe GS. I told her all about how smart, and rediculously handsome, and hot and wonderful my life would be with him.

    Then, she asked me to describe CollegeCD. I said….OH! I feel wonderful. I feel pretty and smart. I feel loved, and cared for and amazing.

    She said – thats your answer. With GS, you are infatuated with the idea that someone so hot and amazing that you have worked so hard for could now want you. It was such an unbelievable challenge, and he IS amazing.

    But, he doesnt make you FEEL the way that CollegeCd does. And thats what its all about.

    Now, GS says that he can be all those things for me. He says that he wants to be everything that I need. That he will work for the rest of his life to be that man.

    But thats it right?

    With GS it would be WORK to be the man I need.

    With CollegeCD, I’m easy. I’m easy for him. I can ask for reassurance 20 times in 10 minutes and he just smiles and thinks its adorable.

    I think the reason I’m writing all this out is more for me than for all of you hahah!

    The problem is that I see GS every day. And when he cried on my doorstep as he left for the last time, and I literally cried so hard after that that I threw up all morning long. He was so upset and cried so hard his eyes literally swelled almost shut. It was horrible. And I see him every day, and we still cry almost every single day when we talk. I still love him. I do. He is still like my best friend. He still wants me all I have to do is say the word. And my oxytocin with him is CRAZY. I still feel it.

    So, there you have it.

    CollegeCD said, that he knows I feel a deeper love for GS simply because of how long we were together and how emotional it was and how we clung to each other. And he said, Elsie….just give this some time, and I know that in time, you and I will have that same level and more of deepness and closeness.

    Wow – what guy says that? Understands that? Can articulate that? Is OK WITH THAT?!?!! Amazing.

    I picked CollegeCD, and that is a good healthy choice. It fits perfectly with Rori’s blog post for this about sane and healthy. And I do think he is hot, and handsome and fun.

    But, I think about GS and I am drawn to him still. There is part of me that still wants to be with him. There is part of me that loves his so deeply.

    I wish somehow I could live “in between”. I know – it is probably insane to read this.

    I have what I’ve always wanted. What all of us go after and cherish and fight for and long for. And here I am….confused. I’m insane. Please give me some advice as to how to get through these feelings in a healthy way. And if you think I have made the right choice. I’m very interested.

    Thanks sirens. Thank you. 🙂



  210.  #210Silent Virgo on October 2, 2013 at 7:23 am

    I feel better today. This morning I had the realization that maybe I want him so much is Bcz he doesn’t want him anymore. I miss him making love to me and I feel very upset with him for taking that away. Or maybe I feel upset Bcz I rejected. I feel upset Bcz he is now with woman who is nothing like me. I feel upset Bcz he lied and cheated and even then he is one who pulled away and I feel mad at myself for accepting that kind of treatment from him, I thought I was being king and being there with a open heart will make him come back. I don’t want him back. I just want him to realize that I loved him honestly and now I feel used and rejected. And I don’t want to feel this way. I want him to want me and I want to have a choice to say No. I really really want it. I want him to fall in love with me and I want to say no!



  211.  #211Silent Virgo on October 2, 2013 at 7:31 am

    Elsie I really command you and envoy you for being in that position of power. Power to chose and power to say no. I really want to know how to did it. For the first time in months I feel ready. Ready to change. Ready to deal with this. I know it’s my fear that has been holding me back. I don’t want to be afraid anymore.
    Elsie I feel that we all have Carrie in us and we all want our Mr big. You have your Mr big. The guy u wanted, now wants you! Wow even the thought is so powerful and overwhelming. I feel that you should not rush to this decision. You can still be open to both and let time and nature decides who it’s going to be.



  212.  #212Daria on October 2, 2013 at 7:33 am

    feeeling soooo goood!!!!



  213.  #213Femininewoman on October 2, 2013 at 7:40 am

    Honestly Memulo, your words still give off a desperate vibe.



  214.  #214Daria on October 2, 2013 at 8:12 am

    Elsie – i would totally live in between, and CD … there would have to be more men though so I wouldn’t be bouncing in between 2 men

    i’d do what i heard from Rori something like ‘stall for time’ … see where it goes

    are you ready to marry either one? I wouldnt be ready to marry a man who just came back without him doing that work and proving

    and working (on his part) sounds manly to me

    and with the other one he sounds awesome, but he hasnt asked for marriage…

    i would date and see even more how i feel

    I wonder what Rori would say? she might answer if you send a post into moderation



  215.  #215Indigo on October 2, 2013 at 9:10 am

    Silent Virgo,

    Walk away. Take care of yourself, move on, heal, even if you do it in baby steps. Process your anger (both with yourself and him) and work to a point where you can forgive yourself and him and let it go.

    xxx



  216.  #216Indigo on October 2, 2013 at 9:15 am

    Daria 203

    I know what you mean. I kind of battle with this myself, though I am getting better at it. It depends on the intensity of the upset and I am experimenting with different ways of doing it. I find initially expressing what I feel “in all its raw honest glory” without blaming or attacking feels satisfying and makes me feel a bit better for standing up for my boundary. I find once I’ve done that I can go to a bit of a softer place after a little while.



  217.  #217Daria on October 2, 2013 at 9:16 am

    Linda – in the post i understand its the writer of the letter expressing that, not Rori

    and i also know that Rori does say something along those lines, that relationships work better when the man is the one who is more into it

    we’re to pick only out of the ones who are very into us, and WE are to be into US as well!



  218.  #218Indigo on October 2, 2013 at 9:24 am

    Memulo,

    You called him and chatted. Let it go. Overthinking is overfunctioning, and for me I have learned that it is a sure sign that your vibe is not quite right and that it is also avoidance of the real *feeling* underneath.

    xx



  219.  #219Liquid Light on October 2, 2013 at 9:40 am

    WEll our little STD talk didn’t happen. I didn’t end up seeing Hometown yesterday and then didn’t end up needing to have a talk with him since we are not getting together on Friday in my hood after all. Turns out, he forgot that he had made other plans for Friday night…is that lame or what??? Anyway, I found someone else to take his place on the kayak bioluminescence tour – I think it will be v cool so its his loss. Kinda bummed though since I was looking forward to doing it with him 🙁



  220.  #220Liquid Light on October 2, 2013 at 9:41 am

    Very cool, Elsie, I say go with CollegeCD – he sounds awesome!



  221.  #221Daria on October 2, 2013 at 10:34 am

    im inundated with Attractive men on POF pfff 🙂 yay



  222.  #222Emerson on October 2, 2013 at 11:19 am

    209 wow Elsie thank you for sharing all that I enjoyed reading about your experiences…
    I think your choice is wise as the crying and intense emotions don’t seem to be a good place to be…
    I’ve been there with my toxicEX and it was almost magnetic…but in the end I knew it was not for me so I ended it…there was alot of begging and crying from his end…
    However I chose not to continue. I am so glad.



  223.  #223Femininewoman on October 2, 2013 at 12:39 pm

    LLight – did you invite him?



  224.  #224Daria on October 2, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    im feeling excited i just had a long skype convo with a guy who wants to meet me when i get back yay 🙂

    and he seems cool AND he knows someone in Brazil i may be able to stay with when i go

    wooo hooo!!! thank uou life



  225.  #225Liquid Light on October 2, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    Kind of relieved not have to have the STD talk and to not have to deal with all the pressure for sex. That’s what I had to deal with all the time in my last relationship and I didn’t like it. Feels like the same dynamic all over again and we don’t even have a relationship…ughh…



  226.  #226Femininewoman on October 2, 2013 at 4:54 pm

    LLight I find your comment about sex rather thought provoking. I welcome any opportunity I get to talk about sex. It is a part of intimacy and romantic relationships so I believe talking about the difficult issues surrounding it can build closeness between two people. I dunno but I am thinking if I were you I would be asking myself why am I so hesitant to talk about it. I believe talking about it openly and knowing that you can go back and forth about the topic could talk away most of the pressure.



  227.  #227Liquid Light on October 2, 2013 at 5:43 pm

    I don’t really mind either it just feels too early. We’ve only known each other now for 2 weeks, and I didn’t really appreciate him putting so much pressure on me for sex the other night. I feel like he is forcing us (me) to bring up this discussion because quite frankly I don’t think he was being safe (e.g. perfectly willing to have oral sex without asking me if I was clean or discussing it at all. We didn’t do it though cuz I wasn’t comfortable with it.) To me, that’s not cool and it makes me wonder about other women he’s been with and if he was so eager to jump right in without having that discussion, then who knows who he’s been with. Uck…If I still continue to see him though (and I hope I do) I will def have this discussion. It just felt too soon to have it yesterday and because of circumstances, I felt forced into it.

    (Sorry not usually so open about discussing my sex life with strangers but, oh well, no one knows me here!!! Phew!!)



  228.  #228Daria on October 2, 2013 at 6:21 pm

    liquid light – i feel glad you’re being brave talking about this.. and i feel uncomfortable to talk about my feelings around this… i feel very triggered and I do want to say this in a way thats about me and not you…

    i would feel horrified if a man asked if i were ‘clean’ … that would be a deal breaker for me right there

    i feel struck by the judgements around sex and cleanliness …ex: thoughts like ‘who knows who he’s been with’ … i would ask myself some questions about why this could matter… like why are some people more ‘ok’ to be with than others, is this about STD’s or… , and especially are these protections really serving me

    I would totally speak with a coach or a healer about this

    Dominique is a great coach around sexuality, as is Rori…



  229.  #229Emerson on October 2, 2013 at 7:04 pm

    I feel a change coming on… I am going to vote for me and ask for what works for me as far as work goes. I determine my own destiny.



  230.  #230Liquid Light on October 2, 2013 at 7:27 pm

    Daria, I’m sorry you totally misinterpreted me. Yes, this is about STDs and only STDs. Christ, I would never be judgmental about who someone has been with especially if you had any idea about some of the men I’ve been with. Embarrassing to say the least! But I’m much more cautious now and don’t want to get anything. Sorry, I would never ask someone if he was clean, just about if he add any STDs or something like that.



  231.  #231Liquid Light on October 2, 2013 at 7:29 pm

    I would totally speak with a coach or a healer about this

    Also, this is kinda turnoff that you would suggest this for me??? I don’t think that’s what this blog is for and would appreciate not being told I need to see a coach! Talk about judgmental!



  232.  #232Vi on October 2, 2013 at 7:31 pm

    Liquid Light I would say something like ‘you know before I have sex I’d like to feel completely safe, so I would like to know..’ or

    ‘You know I like/want to feel completely safe and relaxed with you and I really would like to know if…. ‘ or –

    ‘I feel really anxious to bring this up, and I want to feel completely relaxed before I hve sex with you, so it would feel great to know..’ or

    ‘I feel so excited to be with you and there is smth that makes me feel a bit anxious, and I don’t want to feel that way, so I would like (I might even use ‘need’ here) to know…

    and I’d stay curious and open to whatever happens.. if handles it the way that doesn’t feel good to you – well then to me it would feel better to find it out sooner than later 🙂

    ps. I feel really thrilled you’ve got your requirements and going for being honest and open about them and are being bold enough to speak up. I feel inspired by you taking such a great care of yourself!



  233.  #233Liquid Light on October 2, 2013 at 7:32 pm

    wow stuff like this makes me not want to post here anymore, or be really careful about what I say…lighten up people and try to be a little open and not jump to conclusions about what others are saying, sheesh!



  234.  #234Liquid Light on October 2, 2013 at 7:33 pm

    Thanks Vi! I needed that! 🙂



  235.  #235Liquid Light on October 2, 2013 at 7:37 pm

    Wow so I need to see a coach because I’m concerned about getting an STD???? That is just too weird!!! if that’s the kind of advice given here, it really makes you wonder!!! OK letting this BS go…



  236.  #236Memulo on October 2, 2013 at 8:01 pm

    Thank you FW and Indigo.

    Elsie, I don’t know. I was never in love with 2 guys. If you were to cook big dinner who would you want to feed?



  237.  #237Vi on October 2, 2013 at 8:19 pm

    YAY! 🙂 Thanks for bringing this up, it is helping me to get to feel more okay about having my own boundaries and requirements around sex.
    Early in my life I used to feel so insecure, I thought my boundaries are going to scare the guys off.. and they are going to scare off the guys, just only the guys who are not suitable for me (no judgements 🙂 anyway .. I believe this is how a woman ends up with a ‘sane and supportive’ man/men 🙂



  238.  #238Liquid Light on October 2, 2013 at 8:35 pm

    Thanks Vi, I’m glad its helpful to discuss this here. I really think STDs are very important in the dating and singles world and talking about them here should be encouraged not discouraged! As women, we’ve got to be smart and protect ourselves! It is just so vitally important and NO MAN is worth getting an STD over.



  239.  #239Emerson on October 2, 2013 at 10:03 pm

    There is nothin wrong in my opinion with asking or talking about stds. My health and safety is important to me and I have no problem addressing it.
    Especially since there are strains of gonorrhea that are antibiotic resistant and very hard to treat. Not to mention HIV. Well anyway that’s my 2 cents I’m very careful.



  240.  #240Emerson on October 2, 2013 at 10:10 pm

    Even if someone had an std and was treated I would not hold it against them, I just want to know what I’m dealing with if I’m having sex with them.



  241.  #241Emerson on October 2, 2013 at 10:11 pm

    I’m going to make some changes in my life as far as taking control of my schedule. I feel nervous but I feel hopeful.



  242.  #242Tereana on October 2, 2013 at 10:38 pm

    Hi Emerson!

    Sophie (142) – shame fog sounds so sad 🙁 I’m sure I’ve felt similarly in the past. Especially the part about giving someone more information than they really needed and then feeling like I “gave my power away.” I feel a lot less like that lately, and I wish I could tell you exactly why. But I think probably a result of lots of baby steps, noticing when I felt like I was giving away information in an attempt to get someone to “like me,” and when it felt good. Now I trust my intuition a lot more and I don’t always feel I “have” to tell people my personal information, and I don’t have to answer all questions if I don’t feel comfortable. Practicing body awareness is a good place to start. Because your body will tell you when it is or is not comfortable.

    And don’t worry. Because shame is also a perfectly natural feeling. And it could be also that you are simply feeling vulnerable. And that’s a good thing. Getting to know people is scary. I know. Because I’ve been hiding from people all my life….



  243.  #243Tereana on October 2, 2013 at 10:40 pm

    Sita – wow. Do you currently live in India? Thank you for sharing your story!



  244.  #244Emerson on October 2, 2013 at 10:46 pm

    I feel cold and tired. Good night sirens.



  245.  #245Emerson on October 2, 2013 at 10:47 pm

    Nite tereana <3



  246.  #246Tereana on October 2, 2013 at 10:54 pm

    Hey, sirens, I just had a cool experience I wanted to share. It wasn’t what I expected, and it was also different from my usual pattern.

    A man I’ve dated before asked to see me this week and we had possible plans for tonight, if I was not feeling sick (I was feeling much better!), or Saturday if I wasn’t. Well I texted this a.m. that I was feeling good. But he wasn’t sure. He had a long drive from work. (He first asked me to go to his city, but he later agreed to drive to me.)

    Long story short (I’m trying), he wasn’t committing to this evening, but I was patient. Finally, he texted to see if we could postpone because he was tired. I said no problem. Then I called just to chat and to make plans for Saturday. We were talking about it, and I was praising his skills at picking good restaurants. And suddenly, out of the blue, he decided to get in the car and drive to see me tonight. So he did! We had dinner and talked, and he didn’t even try to kiss me, even though I’m not really sick anymore. (Still coughing a little though.) And we definitely didn’t have sex.

    It was cool, because I didn’t freak out that he wasn’t coming up, and I didn’t have to fake not freaking out. It really didn’t bother me. He changed his mind on his own.

    I’m not sure, but I think this is how the “tools” are supposed to work…am I right? It felt better. More easy. I really didn’t “do” anything! 🙂



  247.  #247Tereana on October 2, 2013 at 10:54 pm

    G’night Emerson!



  248.  #248Linda G on October 3, 2013 at 3:40 am

    Before we admonish a fellow siren for honestly trying to help, maybe we should read over our posts and see if what we wrote was not quite what we intended.

    It feels horrifying to be jumped on.

    The act of posting our felings, opinions and experiences invites response



  249.  #249Memulo on October 3, 2013 at 7:28 am

    Maybe I should call again and this time talk about my feelings? This is hard



  250.  #250Femininewoman on October 3, 2013 at 7:44 am

    Liquid Light – I suspect some misunderstanding about Daria’s comment to the STD. I read it as “having an open, curious mind” about yourself that might uncover something in your unconscious. I can’t say I am as “openminded” as she is around sex but just want to say being curious about yourself might uncover something that might shock. You might discover something that you never knew was there is your belief system.

    Regarding “clean” I can relate. Someone bringing up a conversation about STD’s and how many exes, to me, is different than asking someone if they are “clean”. There is an implied suggestion that the person is “dirty” and I believe anyone would be triggered if the word “clean” was used to them in relation to sex. It is the context that makes the difference. Also you comments suggest that you either have hidden fears/insecurities or are somehow judgemental about your sexuality. I believe Daria’s message was trying to shine a light on that.

    I believe if you take the perspective that the comments were made out of love, your mind would be able to accept it.



  251.  #251Syreena on October 3, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    LL I would also feel concerned for many reasons about someone wanting to have sex so soon and especially without protection.
    What to say?
    Great opportunity to get your speech ready about how you feel and what you want.
    Do you want to have oral sex with someone you have only had a few dates with and are still getting to know?
    Are you on the same page about sex?
    Are your core values the same?
    How do you feel about this?
    As yes this does show you he is happy to have oral sex with women he has only just met without using protection.
    This is who is and what he does.
    Is that what you want?
    Do you think you are a match here?

    http://std.about.com/od/riskfactorsforstds/a/oralsexsafesex.htm



  252.  #252Maxine on October 4, 2013 at 1:57 am

    Please can someone help me! I am feeling really worried what I have done wrong to have this site ban my IP?! I cant read or see comments I left jst yesterday on the newest thread and says if you think its wrong then let us know..
    BUT how? I dont know how to contact the site..any suggestions Id be soooo grateful! I am going thru a pretty rough patch and had just started to find my feet again with the lovely and encouraging comments I had revieved..I would feel DEVASTATED if I no longer have this blog! Urgghh what an awful start to the day!! Feels like im in emergency mode



  253.  #253Dominique on October 4, 2013 at 7:47 am

    Maxine – I see you comments.

    xxoo



  254.  #254Veronica on October 4, 2013 at 11:32 am

    Emerson – 195 – Thank you : ) especially the hugs



  255.  #255Lisa on October 5, 2013 at 8:04 pm

    @ Liquid Light

    I have had those same feelings before… I totally know what you mean…. about jumping on it and posting…

    I rarely get responses, I totally am feeling like black sheep .. which is fine, I do my own thing whether anyone approves or not, I’m my own person- I don’t stray from me, its my path, my healing.. not here for approval… it does feel unsafe at times to be vulnerable and totally open up when posting…

    I don’t feel anyone needs a coach for that… on the subject of STD’s I think the important things is to stand strong on your desire to take care of you, and however you say it, will be ok… and I agree I feel weird reading your post about the urgency of the matter with him… trust your gut!

    If it doesn’t feel right…. take care of you…first!

    I read a post from another dating coach the other day, they posted on my facebook wall… that men that do inappropriate things, say inappropriate things too soon, walk away…

    Like with “R” talking about tying me up on the second date….. super super too soon for that talk… no french kissing yet…most especially since I’d conveyed to him even before meeting, it would be several dates before I’m ready for sex…

    I agree it is and can be good to talk about sex and help connect… however! When the time is right! too soon for me, means they are too focused on it… which is a red flag for me…. just my 2 cents…

    I need a man to be focused on having fun with me, getting to know me.. and if sex happens naturally great! but if it feels like it is a means to and end… their destination… I’m gone! I give them time by leaning back and using messages to express how I feel, and if they continue… bye bye… but that is just me…not giving advice.

    OXOXO



  256.  #256AK on October 7, 2013 at 1:18 am

    Hi Rori. I’m getting an error message on the newest thread that says my IP address has been banned…? I’m not sure why. Please help, as I enjoy reading your advice 🙂



  257.  #257Zara on October 7, 2013 at 4:17 am

    Maxine and Aka

    It just happened to me too. It says my IP is banned for spamming, although I have posted only once 2 days ago.

    I have noticed several sirens have not been around and I am wondering if there is a technical bug that locks the visitors out of some threads.

    You might try to post again to tell Rori, but this time insert a forbidden word in your post, which will send the post into moderation. This way Rori won’t miss it when moderating her site.

    xxx



  258.  #258Zara on October 7, 2013 at 5:18 am

    Rori, Maxine and AK

    I am back in, on the newest thread. The bug is fixed for me.

    Many thanks, Rori.

    xxx



  259.  #259megk on October 20, 2013 at 7:52 pm

    hello Rori, your program has helped me so much. I’d like to say that my husband has started using feeling messages as well. Is that strange? He’s a very masculine man so it’s kind of odd hearing it from him. I’ve actually got a question for you. I really worked on leaning back no suggestions no criticism. Our relationship is doing a thousand times better than it has been but the one thing I can’t seem to shake is that he criticizes me quite a bit. I don’t know how to respond to it sometimes I just leave sometimes I tell him I don’t like to be criticized but I want him to be a loving partner and instead I feel judged a lot.he stays at home with the kids and I know this frustrates him but I don’t know what to do. before your program… in the past… when he judged me or criticizd me or pointed out my faults I would just try to shake it off and make excuses for him. Thank you in advance