Harsh Love Advice – When It Goes Downhill – Love Yourself, Circular Date, And Learn To Talk To A Man Instead Of Fight With Him

Untitled design (14)

boot campThe Question:

“Rori, I was with a guy for a year and four months. From Christmas time it all started going wrong – his mother didn’t like me and it was clear he wouldn’t stand up for me.

We had a year of a brilliant relationship. Then his words and actions weren’t matching – he was full of I love yous but the actions weren’t the same.

I called a day on the relationship because of this and the fact his mother planned a family trip and I wasn’t involved at all. He was quite happy for me to be left out. I may add we met and he walked out on his marriage 5 days later!

He was very gutted when I asked him to get all of the stuff out of my house and I asked him to leave. Five days later I got an email saying that he had meant everything he’d said but admitted his feelings had changed and he was concerned at our bickering (normally around his actions and words not matching and his mother).

We met and chatted and I said we would have two weeks apart to have a think about what we wanted – he came back and said his feelings had changed and that he would probably very much regret letting me go but he felt he needed counseling as he’d brushed so much under the carpet for the past years and he felt he needed some time on his own. Even though he is living with his mother!

I was shocked at this – it was five weeks ago.

Today I have learnt that he was out with a girl with a group of friends including his brother. I text him to say so much for needing time to get your head around things. He was so cold and came back and said I’ve been seeing someone for a few weeks but believe what you want and I’m not getting into a slagging match.

I am so so hurt that I have been replaced within a matter of weeks. I have been crying all night and hate feeling this way. I feel he has blatantly lied to me and then just gone and met someone else and was sitting holding her hand today! I feel stupid and worthless. How can he be like this when he said he loved me?? I’ve already been so depressed about this but I feel so so low!

Please help me, Tina”

My Answer:

Tina – this is going to sound harsh – and I know you know what I’m going to say anyway.

There is much work here that needs to be done. He needs to work on himself, see other women, hang out for awhile. And you need to learn new relationship and communication skills, and Circular Date to learn them.

There is very little way for a woman to be with a man when she doesn’t have a decent relationship with his mother – especially when HE likes his mother and lives with her.

Arguing about anything – silly or not – is a great way to poison any relationship. It says the people bickering do not have the skills to talk in a meaningful way to each other. These are easy skills you can learn in the ebook.

Getting down on yourself, judging and hating on yourself is not helpful – and please, please start there.

Please – it’s important that you take what I’ve written here as helpful – and not judging in any way.

If you do not know these things already – then everyone around you is not telling you the truth – and it’s crucial that you not use this information to beat yourself up more!

I don’t want to tell you what you want to hear – I want to tell you what will HELP you get what you want.

This man is NOT gone forever.

And if you can turn around your “vibe” and your skills with my Tools, and Circular Date many other men, get a new lover, live your life to the fullest – if he’s meant to be with you – he will come back.

The sooner you start forgetting about him – the more he’ll be attracted to you.

Love, Rori

Get Him Back - Boot Camp Plan

 

202 Comments

  1.  #1Aurora on January 23, 2014 at 6:51 am

    wow



  2.  #2Aurora on January 23, 2014 at 6:52 am

    or the sooner she starts letting go of him, the sooner Mr. Right comes along!



  3.  #3Shannon on January 23, 2014 at 7:55 am

    I just wonder… do we really want men back who are willing to leave us to begin with?

    I think that’s my struggle here. My ex doesn’t even feel remorseful for leaving me. I know I have to be willing to be loved over being right, but it feels SO horrible to know that not only can he leave me, but he can do it without feeling the least bit bad about it.



  4.  #4Iris on January 23, 2014 at 7:57 am

    Great post!

    I got as far as Day 5 on the Boot Camp Plan. I got to the point where it says, “Ask yourself: do you see a woman who truly wants her man back? If so, go for it. If not…focus on creating the life you want and deserve.” I realized I really enjoy being single and unattached. Incidentally, he ended up coming back. I’m still leaning back, and continuing to CD with other men. I love it!



  5.  #5Sophie on January 23, 2014 at 8:26 am

    I love the boot camp – love it and I want to do alll of these all the time – I want a poster on my wall 🙂

    I don’t want a man back though I just want to be the best woman for when the right man comes – this for me is Siren boot camp – man or not

    Thanks for your help on last blog April Rose – you have been fabulously inspiring with your transformation

    I am practising the ‘and repeat’ – its true I do see when I create space more often than not he comes forward and most importantly for me I just get to focus on trying to stay in my own positive energy xxx



  6.  #6Sophie on January 23, 2014 at 8:30 am

    maybe taking things really slowly Shannon? and then if you want to choosing trust – I like Iris’ post – Iris is still CD’ing even though the man came back:) yay! xxx



  7.  #7Cris on January 23, 2014 at 8:33 am

    wonderful! but I am afraid as we are humans it may have some % of fail 🙁



  8.  #8Iris on January 23, 2014 at 8:48 am

    #6 Thanks, Sophie! Yeah, it feels great



  9.  #9Iris on January 23, 2014 at 8:53 am

    Hey Sirens, I’m wondering… does anyone have a romantic relationship with a man they work with? I’m currently CDing with a man whom we were friends for a few years. We don’t work in the same office on a daily basis, but we work together on music projects, and it feels odd the whole “shifting hats” and knowing when to use feminine and masculine energy.

    Recently, I’ve been feeling awkward during this. We practice playing together as a band, just the two of us, so a lot of the time we spend together involves rehearsing. We still date and go out recreationally, but most of the time we have to PLAN when we’re gonna see each other next–which really takes the whole sponaneity out of our dating.

    I don’t mind, because I enjoy being productive with him. It just feels good to know there are other sirens out there who are learning how to switch hats, and when to be in masculine or feminine energy.



  10.  #10LoveAlways on January 23, 2014 at 10:00 am

    “And if you can turn around your “vibe” and your skills with my Tools, and Circular Date many other men, get a new lover, live your life to the fullest – if he’s meant to be with you – he will come back.”

    Don’t forget that there is normally a better other man out there too!



  11.  #11Femininewoman on January 23, 2014 at 10:34 am

    Shannon – but he can do it without feeling the least bit bad about it.

    How do you know this thought is true?



  12.  #12Angel on January 23, 2014 at 11:13 am

    Gaaaah, I felt so horrible about a comment a guy made to me on a forum today. What started as an intellectual debate ended with “you are so foolish for not understanding better than that” and a few more comments like that. Petty and small, but those comments made me feel absolutely horrible, especially since he was commenting on knowledge in a field I am a novice in. He played straight on my weaknesses and he knew it. BUT what I wanted to share with you ladies is that I changed my patterned behaviour today. What I would have done before was remove all notifications so I never would have to read the comment again and focus on something else until I’d completely repressed my emotions and forgot about the whole thing. Avoidance and repression of all bad feelings have been my motto for quite some time. But not today! Instead I took a deep breath, and continued to read the text and allowed my feelings to rise. I even got teary eyed! I just sat there and let them be felt until the worst of it was gone, and now, while I’m still feeling pretty raw and bad, I’m also feeling empowered! I have NEVER done this before. Never, ever, ever! It only happened on internet, as opposed to in real conversation, but I feel this is the first step, proof that I really can change to be more alive in the now, not living half a life completely in my head.



  13.  #13Cris on January 23, 2014 at 11:29 am

    @Ignis, not exactly the same, but your case reminds me a bit to mine. My husband and I work full time in the same Company (although not in the same dpt, thank God). So a big part of our conversation is about it, not just gossiping but about its strategy, possible changes and oportunities
    … and in addition to that, as a married couple there are a lot of logistics involved in our life. And both things kill romance and steal a big part of my femenine energy too!! So now I practicing that, when I am tired of that I think “work is over!!”, and I try to switch. No plannig, no thinking, talking about small and nice things in life, being open and smiling. I can say it is hard and I in level 2 of 100 🙂 but I feel excited for the small changes and I think he is noticing something too!!

    so you can switch whenever you want!! although it is easier when going on holydays or in the weekends or when you close the door of your bedroom 😉

    I can say



  14.  #14Cris on January 23, 2014 at 11:30 am

    xoxoxo



  15.  #15Lisa on January 23, 2014 at 11:39 am

    Soo tired today but got a lot of core beliefs to work on from talking to my therapist today….

    I’m confused about Tina did she say her man had left his 5 yr. marriage for her and that he and her were together for 1 yr. ???

    I wonder about getting involved with men that just have left a marraige.. ie my recent decision to not do that … with “D” even though 8 mos might seem awhile it really isn’t time for a man to process the ending of a marriage…

    I wonder if anyone has had success with entering and keeping a relationship going when the man had just got out of a marriage?

    I do the 7 steps… and my last 2 have not shown back up… hummm wonder about that…

    in comes “G” today had a nice breakfast…. he is close to my age… but seems older but he runs and hikes etc… was very clear he is clear on his intentions to be with me… on the first date… he said point blank when I have this clarity about a woman as I do with you…then I know. I’m not knowing what to say to that…

    He said to me that he likes having a lot of FREEDOM and that is why he never wanted children… ( that speaks volumes) he also said he doesn’t like making appts…

    In comes “K” but I’m not responding to his e-mail b/c it doesn’t feel right… like he could call me… apologized for not calling me.. but then e-mails me… after I tell him Sunday is when I’m free.. then he decides he wants a date during the week…

    circle dating can be tiring… I want men that are more substantial in their desire to date… not the ones that are apathetic…

    I wonder what I’m not doing to be a siren? I seem to be doing lots and lots… but the men aren’t coming back and something seems to be off…. not sure…

    OXXOXO



  16.  #16Shannon on January 23, 2014 at 11:43 am

    FW- 11

    He said so. “I don’t feel like I did anything wrong” [by dumping me].



  17.  #17Femininewoman on January 23, 2014 at 12:05 pm

    Shannon maybe you should stop thinking about it as him “dumping you”. You are not garbage. He might have acknowledged for himself that your relationship is not working for him so he wanted to move on. He is entitled to making choices for his life. Maybe he thought it was no point trying to work it out because he couldn’t figure out how to. He could have wanted to move on for any number of reasons. Yet that does not mean that he did not feel bad. Men are good at masking their feelings. Some of them don’t even know what they are feeling and don’t have the skill with words that we do. In any event that statement suggests to me that you might have been communicating in a way that made him wrong so of course he would be defensive and say he is not doing anything wrong.

    Are you thinking that he owes you something or that you are entitled to a relationship from him? These things are subtle but they tend to seep out.



  18.  #18Iris on January 23, 2014 at 12:52 pm

    #12 Thanks, Cris, for your sharing your experience!



  19.  #19April Rose on January 23, 2014 at 3:03 pm

    Shannon,

    This is Carol Allen’s story of her man leaving her. I feel in awe of her and her story:

    “My soulmate almost married another woman.
    It’s true.

    When I met my husband, we hit it off right away.
    We dated for three years.
    We lived together happily for a while.
    He even proposed.

    But then he suddenly left…
    And it wasn’t because we weren’t compatible.

    In fact, one of my astrology mentors had pronounced our astrological compatibility the GREATEST HE’D SEEN in twenty-nine years of doing readings!

    But that didn’t matter.

    It didn’t matter that my Venus was in the same sign as his Moon and Jupiter, creating two of the most romantic, “true love” connections two charts can have.

    It wasn’t enough that his Venus was in the same sign as my Mars, which gave us smokin’ hot chemistry.

    It wasn’t sufficient that our Moon signs were in the position of partnership, making us have what ancient astrological texts on marriage and compatibility deem one of the best possible combinations, giving, “Abundance, agreement, and special happiness.”

    And do you know why?

    Because I made DANGEROUS HUMAN MISTAKES in how I RELATED to him that drove him away.

    That’s right – despite all the planets and stars smiling upon us, I had screwed up a truly blessed, “meant to be” relationship, and lost him…

    And it was all because of things I DID and SAID that were entirely IN MY CONTROL… and my poor behavior was enough to block the power of our harmonious astrological charts.

    And I simply had no clue what I was doing.

    It seemed so innocent – and like I was just trying to communicate with him. I mean, we all know you’re SUPPOSED to communicate in a relationship, right?

    I just didn’t realize I was doing so in a relationship-crushing, love-killing way…

    What I was communicating did NOT lead to the positive response from him I’d been hoping for.

    In fact, my actions guaranteed he’d pull away or leave.

    It was just too much for too long – you’ll know what I mean if you’ve ever done these things yourself…

    Things like:

    * Trying to change him because we had different habits and interests…

    * Ambushing him when I needed to talk instead of making sure he was in a good frame of mind to hear me out…

    * Bringing to him all of my anxiety and disappointment instead of letting him know how much he was doing RIGHT…

    I was basically being an emotionally immature, lazy, critical mess, and despite the fact that he’d asked to marry me (and I’d said NO – a minor detail that made him lose all motivation on top of our other drama), he soon found he had better things to do.

    And before I knew what happened, he and his stuff were gone.

    It was the most devastating experience of my life – because of how good we were together before this happened.

    And it lasted four long years.
    For four years we were broken up with almost zero contact, and during that time he soon met, moved in with, and became ENGAGED TO another woman.

    (It didn’t help matters that she was amazing, and everyone in his life LOVED HER… )

    I cried an ocean.
    I couldn’t get over it.

    I felt so utterly hopeless that I sought help from all kinds of practitioners – therapists, hypnotists, psychics…

    I even went to a Shaman to have a “soul retrieval” ceremony done, to get my soul back from him…

    (It helped!)

    And I dated – A LOT. But it wasn’t any fun. And it only made me miss him more.

    No one felt “right” in the way that he had.

    Everyone else bored me…

    I thought that I’d NEVER find the kind of compatibility or love I shared with him, and I was afraid that I was DOOMED to live my life alone.

    Seriously, we got a PERFECT SCORE using the ancient astrological technique of “The Right Man Report” – an amazing, in-depth compatibility overview you can find here.

    I was so heartbroken when we parted that I made it my mission in life to understand how to succeed in relationships.

    I went on a spiritual quest to unravel and master the mysteries of love…

    As a result, I took several workshops, sought out experts, and read every book and relationship study I could get my hands on.

    I trained with an international relationship institute, and was soon leading one of their programs.

    And I quickly realized where I’d gone wrong…

    Despite being in love with him, I hadn’t made my husband feel unconditionally loved (something men require…).

    In fact, I’d done just the opposite – making him feel criticized just for being him.

    I hadn’t made him feel appreciated enough.

    And I hadn’t managed my emotions in a healthy way to allow the positive feelings between us to grow.

    I thought I was just being “honest” with him.

    What I didn’t realize, was I could have still communicated what I needed to him – I just could’ve done so with so much more respect and dignity toward him and our relationship.

    And I kicked myself for it, and paid the ultimate price.

    I thought it was too late for me – that I’d blown my soulmate relationship and would never have the good fortune to be with him again.

    I hoped I’d be lucky enough to find another man to love, yet doubted it was possible to find anyone quite so perfect for me.

    Luckily, to my utter amazement – after those four long years had CRAWLED BY – the heavens brought him back!

    And I instantly applied everything I’d learned.

    And our “new” relationship was light years beyond what our “old” relationship had been before.

    Though we were the same people with the same astrology charts we’d always had, it was like a totally different, completely BETTER relationship.

    He was so impressed with the changes in me that he told me he couldn’t believe how much I’d matured in our time apart.

    But it wasn’t TIME that had healed me.

    It was KNOWLEDGE.

    And it was all worth it, because those years of pain and loneliness made me do the hard work of learning everything I needed to know to make a relationship a success.

    In going through those years of misery, I was ultimately DOUBLY BLESSED.

    Not only did I get my soulmate back, I found my greatest professional
    fulfillment.

    I’m so happy with my husband, that I want every woman in the world to have what I have.
    So I started sharing what I’ve learned and have witnessed other women, much like me, be able to quickly and dramatically transform their relationships for the better, too.”



  20.  #20April Rose on January 23, 2014 at 3:17 pm

    Yay Sophie,

    I feel delighted to hear about you ‘creating space’.

    As Rori says in her article above:
    “The sooner you start forgetting about him – the more he’ll be attracted to you.”



  21.  #21Liquid Light on January 23, 2014 at 3:22 pm

    WOW, I love this story! Thanks for posting AR!



  22.  #22Helena Hart on January 23, 2014 at 3:23 pm

    Iris – 9 – I love this question! I actually just did a radio interview about this topic – “switching hats” and balancing your masculine and feminine energy for maximum success in your love life. It starts about 5 minutes into the interview:

    http://helenahartcoaching.com/the-new-relationship-reality-radio-show-interview/

    Hope it helps!!

    Love, Helena



  23.  #23April Rose on January 23, 2014 at 3:26 pm

    Thanks Liquid Light!



  24.  #24Brenda on January 23, 2014 at 3:53 pm

    This is enlightening and I am focusing on me today although it is hard.I went to work today and look forward to going tomorrow.This post is something I plan to use in the few mths when I’m ready to fo out on dates with men, or in everyday life in general.



  25.  #25Lisa on January 23, 2014 at 4:26 pm

    @April Rose thanks for posting that… I didn’t know that part of her story…<3

    I'm still confused about the mommy syndrome:

    Like 2 posts ago talking about turning into a mommy… and I wonder about that…

    How me listening to men talk about things, might turn me into a mommy when what I'm doing is just being present with them…… I wonder if me even having a story similar to theirs might even be considered "mommy" role…

    What do you do exactly when they talk about what is bothering them… I listen and I sometimes respond but what I don't do is tell them what I think they should do, offer advice or take it on.. or even worry about it…

    I wonder if even saying something like I totally can understand I've been through something similar or yeah I get that, people take their anger out on those they feel safest with… would put me in the category of therapist or mommy…???

    I'm wondering where the cut off is… b/c with "D" recently when he called me, I listened and he would say , I don't really want to talk about it, b/c it isn't your problem, I would just pause. Then he would go on and then I did eventually say, I feel bad that your going through this, I'm so happy your mother is someone you can talk to ….. and your father…

    I just want to know where the line is drawn between being present and a soft place when things are tough and when your actually turning into a mommy to them….and losing your vibe.

    XOXO



  26.  #26Femininewoman on January 23, 2014 at 4:35 pm

    “I totally can understand I’ve been through something similar or yeah I get that, ”

    Bummer, I know exactly how you feel. Or that must feel like shi!!t.



  27.  #27Femininewoman on January 23, 2014 at 4:36 pm

    Lisa I have seen Rori suggest using sounds

    mmmmmmmmmmm

    aaahhhhh

    ooooooo

    depending on the situation. Maybe even moan or groan.



  28.  #28Liquid Light on January 23, 2014 at 6:32 pm

    I just posted a different main photo in my online profile and have been getting so many more views, likes and winks, wow! Its def a sexier photo, I’m in a little beach dress, but there’s nothing super revealing about it. Its def more feminine than the other photo I had up there though. I haven’t gotten this much attention online in a while. Wow, interesting!!!!



  29.  #29Liquid Light on January 23, 2014 at 8:13 pm

    OMG, this is so much fun!!!!



  30.  #30Cupcake on January 23, 2014 at 8:51 pm

    Liquid Light-

    I feel happy that you’re getting such a positive response from your new photo!



  31.  #31Cupcake on January 23, 2014 at 10:03 pm

    Hi, Sirens-

    I’m alone in my apartment again, once again having not even opened the door today.

    I’m so envious of you Sirens who are out there in the world, interacting with people all day, interacting with men and relationships.

    I feel like Rapunzel, in a way, locked in my attic in a house. I climb 65 steps to get to my apartment.

    I feel like I’ve given up on New City. I don’t know why. I keep thinking that the person I want to marry wouldn’t be here. It’s a small city. Maybe I should go back to a bigger one. Love is a geographical accident.

    I feel like I “should” go look on POF since I froze my OKC profile. I feel like I should shake the tree a little, set up some CDs.

    I had a great time with Drinker-Moriarty CD last week, and he’d love to go out again. But he likes me lots, and both dates he kissed me, and I liked being kissed. Because he drinks more than I’m comfortable with, I don’t want to get too close to him. He’s attractive and wants to shag me– that’s a slippery slope. I don’t want to create a mess by becoming biochemically attached to someone who is so obviously unsuitable.

    And GilligansSkipperCD, who I went out with on Saturday– I don’t know. He spent over $100 on dinner and I didn’t text to thank him. It was a weird goodbye. I think he wanted to walk me to my door, but there are so many stairs that I just left him at the sidewalk. Outside the 10 foot iron gate. I could send up a flare that I am interested in seeing him again…but I don’t really care.

    I have to leave the house tomorrow to go interview for that job I don’t want. A practice interview, like a CD.

    I’m just really trying to work on self esteem. I know that’s the way out of this whole mess.



  32.  #32Millie on January 23, 2014 at 11:42 pm

    The worst is when words and actions don’t line up. Or there is a lot of words and not a lot of action. It feels misleading…It feels like, I’m looking forward to something that maybe isn’t really happening….



  33.  #33Epiphyllum on January 24, 2014 at 2:37 am

    I too feel in awe with this post and the story of Carol Allen. There are so much reflection to my own life.

    Thanks for sharing April Rose!

    XX



  34.  #34Veronica on January 24, 2014 at 4:02 am

    Iris
    Although I’ve never worked with my partner, I did battle with switching off my masculine mode after work. I’d notice that I would spend hours in front of the TV to numb myself. But that didn’t work, I just felt tired. Then I got some dark chocolate and a beautiful book of paintings and just enjoyed the pleasure. After that I would play beautiful music that would just put me in fem mode. So pleasure of the senses seems to work for me. Wearing beautiful clothes can also bring out my feminine self.

    April Rose – 18 – Thank you for the Carol Allen story : )

    Millie – 30 – I was also thinking about men and their words. I don’t want men who think they’re magicians – say a couple of magic words and the relationship happens without much action on their part.



  35.  #35April Rose on January 24, 2014 at 4:41 am

    Lisa,

    the question is to ask yourself “How does it make me feel?”

    I can hear a man talk about his troubles, and make an empathetic sound and say “Yeah, I understand that must feel crap”. That will validate him (if you want to follow the formula).

    Otherwise (and ask your feelings if it is true first) you can change the tone. We women are the ones to go first emotionally.
    I would say, in a bright voice “You know what? I’m feeling a bit deflated in this conversation. I don’t want to be anyone’s therapist. I want to feel romantic when I’m talking with a man. What do you think?”



  36.  #36April Rose on January 24, 2014 at 4:43 am

    If you are focussed on keeping the focus on YOU, a good man will do the same.



  37.  #37April Rose on January 24, 2014 at 4:46 am

    When asking a man “What do you think?” be sure to give him plenty of time to reflect.
    I have read ancient vedic texts about male and female personality that say it can take anything between 20 minutes and 48 hours for a man to come up with a response!



  38.  #38April Rose on January 24, 2014 at 4:48 am

    I guess that was in ancient times. Humans have speeded up their thinking since then!

    But still. Some of them aren’t that quick!



  39.  #39Lisa on January 24, 2014 at 7:18 am

    @Feminine Woman GREAT! Thanks! I’ll copy and paste and try and memorize those…

    @April Rose Good yes, I can do that…

    If “D” is looking for a woman to dump his emotional stuff on, he’ll quickly move on…

    If indeed he is right and he doesn’t want to do that, then he’ll find another outlet.

    However I must say that when a man talks about issues like this, it does give me an inside look at him… how he is really…. so part of me wants to hear the stories, so I can understand better how he is (when he isn’t on his best behavior)

    but using OOOOOOO , Ahhhhh, or that must feel like sh^t will be good for me to respond…

    Thanks!!!

    Wonder why the post was missing last night? Funny I went to the blog several times and it wasnt’ up…

    OXOXO



  40.  #40Lisa on January 24, 2014 at 9:28 am

    Men’s brains are so different than women’s… it’s just incredible to see the difference… if you’ve ever watched how it works… with a actual mri scan or a model of lights… showing how they fire. Once I saw that, I realized why women have the issues they have. Women’s brains are capable of firing in different directions and many different thought patterns at the same time…we are incredible that way… why we can handle multi-tasking etc… why we make better CEO’s…

    Men’s brains can mostly just do one thing at a time, but they do it well and very thorough…

    @FW is right it does take them longer… to process and most especially if it is emotional

    Been working on keeping track of how I sabatage myself…

    It’s amazing the little tiny things I do…

    one of which is acting as if… having a man in my life is the most important thing in my life… Hummm well that would explain how men have the edge…and what drives.. actions, thoughts and how if having a man is that important how more settled I’d feel when it happens…humm well that is a great piece of work… b/c that might not be true…. my life might not be more settled…

    lots of great growing going on….

    also little tidbits of insight about red flags…
    and how early on I see them but keep going ….

    OXOXOX



  41.  #41Dominique on January 24, 2014 at 10:04 am

    Lisa – 14- I don’t think it’s a given the man will come back necessarily. One important piece to this might be – IF he’s the one for you.

    In my experience my past relationships didn’t really come back, to have a look maybe but not to court me. And I don’t think this has anything to do with being sireny enough if there’s even such a thing.

    It is possible to get into a relationship and have it work out successfully after having just left a marriage or a long term relationship. In most cases I would say tread cautiously though.

    I get together with K after having only been out of my house for two weeks and not yet divorced. And it all worked out great. Not to say I didn’t have a tremendous amount of work to do on me. I did. But I was aware of this.

    xxoo



  42.  #42Dominique on January 24, 2014 at 10:15 am

    Lisa – 24 – Listening is what you want to do. You can offer up an un huh, yes, a nod here and there, an I’m so sorry, even an I understand.

    And that’s all you need to do. If he asks for help, tell him you feel sure/confident he will figure this all out.

    When you’ve been together for awhile, this loosens up some but not a lot. I tread very carefully when asked for advice.

    You will FEEL when you’ve crossed the line, maybe a slight pulling away, some brief tension, something not feeling quite right or good between you. You will know if you trust yourself.

    This may help you some.

    http://sexandheart.com/when-is-it-too-much-giving/

    xxoo



  43.  #43Dominique on January 24, 2014 at 10:19 am

    Millie – 30 – Oh yes indeed.

    http://sexandheart.com/words-vs-actions/

    xxoo



  44.  #44Liquid Light on January 24, 2014 at 11:25 am

    Wow, my online profile is exploding. Amazing what a difference a photo can make! And I’m not getting suggestive stuff either, just a lot more activity and interest. This is cool! Has anyone else had experience with this.



  45.  #45April Rose on January 24, 2014 at 11:31 am

    I’m feeling tight in my heart. A small ball of something hot. Feels like anger…



  46.  #46April Rose on January 24, 2014 at 11:41 am

    “I’m wondering where the cut off is… b/c with “D” recently when he called me, I listened and he would say I don’t really want to talk about it, b/c it isn’t your problem, I would just pause. ”

    In that pause, what did you feel?

    I haven’t understood how you feel about a man telling you his stuff.
    I can understand a man talking about his interests, and when I feel his enthusiasm or passion it feels good.
    I know too I have listened to a man telling me about difficulties with his ex. In such cases I have listened out of morbid curiosity.

    In a situation where I am serious about giving a man a chance to be my ‘one’, I think I go along with Rori. I don’t want to hear about other women. And I don’t want to be a sounding board for his problems. I want to know that he is confident and strong enough to solve them and sort them out himself.

    If anything he may stop loading it onto you when you let him know, as Dominique says, that you know he will do the right thing. You can say “I feel great confidence in you that you will solve this”.

    But if there is something in you wanting to hear it for other reasons I would check in and see if I was being authentic.



  47.  #47April Rose on January 24, 2014 at 11:54 am

    Brenda,

    Hi. Did you see the comment Rori wrote to you on the previous thread? If so, how do you feel about what she said?

    Hugs



  48.  #48Shannon on January 24, 2014 at 12:00 pm

    So my list of what I expect from a relationship (if he even decides to have ‘the conversation’ about the second chance);

    1. I don’t want to be settled for. I won’t settle.
    2. I want a new relationship (I’m NOT going back to the old one).
    3. I want to be a wife.
    4. I am a woman. I thrive on attention and affection.
    5. I am a woman; I feel deeply and I must feel safe to express those feelings. Even the not-great ones.
    6. I want to be taken out (date).
    7. I must feel loved and connected and secure [most of the time?*]. When I feel connected, I feel turned on.

    * I’m not sure you can always feel that way, and of course some of that is an inside job. But should I even bother with that acknowledgement?

    I don’t know what else to say that isn’t patently obvious or just kind of absurd.

    Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!



  49.  #49Helena Hart on January 24, 2014 at 12:04 pm

    Liquid Light – 42 – That’s awesome!!! When you upload a new photo or update your profile, the site will put you back at the top of the “activity” page and in people’s searches. That’s why I always tell women to change their photos around or add a new one every week or so. Glad to hear that worked so well for you!! 🙂

    Love, Helena



  50.  #50T. Bradley on January 24, 2014 at 12:09 pm

    Shannon,
    Whew girly I know exactly what you mean!!!! I’ve given this guy his second round and he promised not to hurt me but guess what!! he did!!!!



  51.  #51April Rose on January 24, 2014 at 12:14 pm

    Shannon,

    Saying “I must…” sounds demanding. Controlling even.

    What about sinking into how you want to FEEL, and expressing that in present time?

    What are the feelings you think are patently obvious? Maybe that’s where your vulnerability lies.



  52.  #52April Rose on January 24, 2014 at 12:16 pm

    I wouldn’t for a moment skim over your abandonment experiences. They are informing so many of your choices and experiences.
    Would you consider counselling/coaching around that topic?

    Love, April



  53.  #53redbutterfly on January 24, 2014 at 12:55 pm

    “In a situation where I am serious about giving a man a chance to be my ‘one’, I think I go along with Rori. I don’t want to hear about other women. And I don’t want to be a sounding board for his problems. I want to know that he is confident and strong enough to solve them and sort them out himself.”

    I have a hard time with this one as the widower occassionally needs to talk about his late wife. I try to be sympathetic but it makes me feel jealous of her sometimes. He used to talk about her a lot, now there are days where her name isn’t even mentioned. Not that I want him to completed bury his memories of her, I just want to be the center of his universe now. It’s getting better, it’s just hard sometimes.

    And I don’t even think I feel jealous of his late wife because I actually think I would have liked her and gotten along well with her. It’s more that I just feel like I am competing with a ghost sometimes.

    He still sees his late wife’s family occassionally and this Christmas he went to their family gathering and deliberately didn’t invite me because he said he “wanted to be sensitive to everyone else’s feelings.” The late wife has been gone for over 2 years now and while I know that may not be enough time to grieve for some people, I have met most of his late wife’s family and they have been ok with me. He is just mainly scared of her father and won’t let me even meet him. At the fourth of July last year, he even asked me to go home before her father showed up. It makes me feel super sad and I have told him how I felt and he admits that he cares too much about how people view him. I can’t say that he doesn’t make progress, he does and he told me not long ago that eventually it isn’t going to matter anymore because we will be married but it is different right now. So I try to be patient and long suffering and not let it bother me. We have only been dating a little over a year and besides these issues, he is great and adores me and treats me like a queen. For example, he just texted me saying we are skipping dinner with his sister tonight because I can’t make it at that time. I told him to go anyway, I didn’t mind and he said “I wouldn’t have left Late Wife at home by herself so I am not doing that with you either.” Kind of sweet.

    Sorry. April Rose post just got me triggered thinking about things and I just needed to vent but my life isn’t really that bad if that’s all I have to complain about! Happy Friday, everyone!



  54.  #54Shannon on January 24, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    I’ve had so much counseling around it already. The reality is that it has nothing to do with him. Our society teaches “disposable people” as the norm.

    He threw me away like garbage or an old pair of worn out socks.

    That’s not true… He’d keep worn out socks.

    Disposable people is the societal norm. People like me are all messed up in our heads for thinking stupid things like people aren’t disposable. 60% divorce rate says louder than words that people are disposed of every day. Interchangeable. Don’t like your spouse? Throw her away, find another one.

    What would I say to him, that I don’t want to be abandoned? That’s not his problem. Clearly, he doesn’t GIVE A DAMN whether I want to be abandoned or not, or he wouldn’t have just done so.

    Nor would any other man care about my abandonment issues. It’s not his problem, or their problem. They don’t care. Our whole society doesn’t care; abandoning people is almost a sport in our freaking country. 5 divorces, 6 divorces… it’s a competition! Ha, ha, I’ve thrown away 9 wives, got you beat! No, no, I’ve gotten rid of 10 husbands! Neener neener!

    “I don’t want to be abandoned by my mate” is a foreign language. Just as well speak Zombie… “brainz!” Wut?

    Sure I have abandonment issues. Nobody cares, least of all him. And why should he? Our society loves the “disposable people” concept. Got an unwanted wife and kid? Throw them out, pay some child support, move on! Why not? Everybody’s doing it…



  55.  #55Liquid Light on January 24, 2014 at 1:16 pm

    Thanks Helena 47, I didn’t know that!



  56.  #56Shannon on January 24, 2014 at 1:27 pm

    Oh, and as for the obvious, they’re things he doesn’t do anyway. I don’t want to be beaten, threatened, or cheated on. Should be obvious and thus not necessary to speak about (they weren’t obvious to my ex-husband).



  57.  #57Millie on January 24, 2014 at 1:35 pm

    Cupcake 29–

    I read in a post of yours before that you felt “locked away” in your old house too, the one in the woods was it? Maybe this Rupunzel feeling of being separated in a secluded tower is your own self creating a protective environment. It’s not where you live, it’s not the city…it’s the city inside you that’s creating this distance. I’d say move to LA and we can have hot cocoa chats anytime 🙂 But moving isn’t the answer…I don’t think.

    I’m also hearing that while you are putting yourself out there..i.e. going on interviews, going on dates, inside you don’t really want the job, the man’s energy coming at you…you’re stopping it..by not letting Gilligan walk you to the door..you kept him at bay…distant from your tower. The other guy I hear you saying you don’t want to get close to either…..

    Anyway…..just wanted to share what I”m hearing and seeing from where I’m sitting. You’re welcome in LA anytime!



  58.  #58Shannon on January 24, 2014 at 1:36 pm

    Ugh, this is going to sound so inarticulate and stupid. OMG, I can barely type right, lol. The whole The Work turnaround thing…

    When I got pregnant, he checked out on me. He quit supporting me emotionally and became extremely needy and whiny (I’m sorry but he did).

    Then I think I abandoned myself. The Real Me. I started trying to make him happy so he wouldn’t leave me. In so doing, I gave up my real self in order to try to keep him.

    “I abandoned me”.



  59.  #59April Rose on January 24, 2014 at 2:59 pm

    It sounds a lot like your inner little girl is furious with you.



  60.  #60Shannon on January 24, 2014 at 3:10 pm

    No, she’s not furious with me. She went through hell and back. So much pain, so much misery all of my life.

    I feel broken. I feel like I don’t have any business being in a relationship.

    My inner girl isn’t angry, she’s defeated. I’m broken. I’ll always be broken and I should stop trying to fool myself.



  61.  #61Kyla on January 24, 2014 at 3:35 pm

    ((((shannon))))



  62.  #62Kyla on January 24, 2014 at 3:39 pm

    Cupcake, can you write yourself a new story? You have such a beautiful way with words I wonder how writing a magical, juicy, passionate, loving romance for yourself would feel? The princess in the tower story is not serving you xx



  63.  #63Kyla on January 24, 2014 at 3:41 pm

    Liquid Light I feel so smiley hearing how much you’re enjoying yourself 🙂



  64.  #64Cupcake on January 24, 2014 at 4:07 pm

    Millie #56 and Kyla #61-

    Thank you both for your shouts out.

    Millie, I know exactly what you mean about my locking myself away. I do go out. A girl I met here in New City said, “I think you are the bravest person I ever met” because I just go up to people and start talking, go into new situations. And then I come home to the Rapunzel’s tower.

    Re: the CD’s- I really wish DrinkerMortiartyCD wasn’t a drinker. (I don’t mind that he looks like a tall Moriarty. And can anyone tell I’m obsessed with Sherlock. Is anyone else on this board obsessed with Sherlock? Best. TV. Ever. But I digress…) He’s a lot of fun. It’s just that I’ve dated functioning alcoholics in the past, and it’s not something I care to repeat. And he made it subtly clear that he’d really like a sexual relationship, and I know that it would just take half a glass of champagne and 30 minutes of making out, and I’d be tossing my knickers over the lampshade on his bedside table. It felt so good to be kissed.

    And the other guy…I don’t know. Just…meh. Where’s the FUN? I like fun.

    The job interview went well. I’m more interested in it than I thought I would be. The HR person said I’m the top candidate so far. She said, “What would make you want the job?” I said, “I’m very motivated by money.”

    So if they jump high enough, it might be worth it. I have another interview for another job on Monday.

    Kyla, I like your idea of writing a new story for myself. I’ll think about that over the weekend.



  65.  #65Cupcake on January 24, 2014 at 4:25 pm

    Shannon-

    I don’t envy you the position you’re in. Reading your posts, I feel admiration for how you hold it all together.

    Just observing though, I want to comment- it seems like when you are soft and open and in yourself, he responds. I haven’t read anything where you were being soft and open and in yourself and he didn’t respond. Is that because he always responds, or you don’t write about the times he doesn’t?

    And then it seems like sometimes you’re really angry–which certainly feels understandable. But what I observe is that you’re angry with an action he took in the PAST, breaking up with you.

    Sometimes I feel like I’m in the dunce cap in the corner and the rest of you Sirens are in the honors programs, moving forward in leaps and bounds. So I don’t meant to presume here, in giving advice. There is one thing I feel sure about with men, though, and that is that they live decidedly in the present.

    I think about Kurt Vonnegut’s alien species, the Tralfamagorians, who aren’t limited by the fourth dimension of time. I think women are like that. A Tralfamagorian, when looking at a human being, sees a long caterpillar-like creature that starts as a tiny baby and ends with a very old person, and in between is every other phase of the person’s life. I think women see things that way. It’s a process.

    I’ve come to observe that men are unable to see through time, as we do. So when he broke up with you, it was because that was the right thing to do -in his mind- based on the way things were THEN. If you change the dynamic so that breaking up is no longer what feels right to do in THIS minute, then his past decision is null and void.

    It honestly doesn’t feel to me that they’re trying to get away with anything, showing a lack of accountability of playing mind games. It feels to me like time is just one-dimensional to them, so they have one still photo at a time to work with, where we have movies going at 100 frames per second.

    I guess I’m saying, He said it was over, and you’re so angry at that that you keep pulling that one photo out of the packet and waving it in his face. Whereas you can create – and often do- this beautiful movie that he may not be able to see every flickering image of, but he can get the publicity photos and see what it’s about.

    It just hurts my heart to see you struggle with the anger when it’s for something in the past and he doesn’t seem to be really fixated on that still photo a lot of the time.

    I don’t know if this makes sense. I just feel bad that you have all these moving parts- housing, job, daughter, etc- on top of trying to sort out the relationship’s fate. You seem to have a handle on all of it. It just must feel so overwhelming sometimes.



  66.  #66Cupcake on January 24, 2014 at 4:52 pm

    “Good lives are not easy. They require daily acts of adaptation, courage, and love.”

    _ Laura Day

    Just came across this quote and wanted to share with you guys.



  67.  #67Liquid Light on January 24, 2014 at 5:01 pm

    Thanks Kyla! On a whim I contacted a matchmaker a few days ago. We ended up having a long conversation and told her all about myself and now she says she’s got two guys for me. They both sound great! But its really expensive…ughh…not sure what to do…I guess if it worked out with one of them then it might be worth it then again I’m getting lots of attention right now online too…any thoughts ladies about what I should do??? i can’t even believe I would consider it!!!



  68.  #68Cupcake on January 24, 2014 at 5:10 pm

    Kyla-

    What dates do you have lined up for the weekend? It sounded like you were rolling your eyes about Bear the other day and liking DrWho more and more.

    Tell more, please! 🙂



  69.  #69Lisa on January 24, 2014 at 5:26 pm

    @ Liquid Light

    I don’t know… what I might do, if I could afford it… is question her on the 2 men to make sure they are close enough to what I’d want before paying for that service….

    GO Girl!

    Just my 2cents..

    OXOXO



  70.  #70Lisa on January 24, 2014 at 5:29 pm

    @Shannon Awesome turn around… how did that feel? Sometimes the turnarounds can go deep… your so courageous to go there!!!!…. <3<3

    OXOXO



  71.  #71Lisa on January 24, 2014 at 5:38 pm

    @April Rose

    Part of me doesn’t want to hear it, and part of me does..out of curiosity… and b/c it does give me an insight to “the real him” and though when I was getting tired of hearing it, he picked up on it (without a sound from me) and said, I don’t want to talk about it anymore b/c we decided we didn’t want to be each other’s therapist. I agreed with a sound…

    At the end of the talk about his ex… I did say, its really wonderful that you have your mom to talk to… and your dad… your very fortunate…

    I wish I had thought to say I have great confidence in you ………

    Thanks!

    OXOXO



  72.  #72Shannon on January 24, 2014 at 5:48 pm

    Cupcake, he doesn’t respond most of the time. He mostly just ignores me.

    Bizarrely, today he was almost sweet the couple times he spoke to me.

    I don’t have a handle on anything. At all. I’m the racehorse that comes up from 10 laps behind to finish in the back of the pack, lol. Maybe I ran really fast, but I still didn’t even place.

    I can’t find a job. Even if I do find a job, I won’t be able to support my daughter. I have no skills to get a real job with.

    And J? We have this “what would that look like?” talk looming over us… for what? He doesn’t want to be with me. He can’t even stand to be around me. Where is he now? Ignoring me as he always has.

    There’s no win here.

    I’m autistic and I’m broken. I’m like a totalled car that’s proud of itself because the engine hasn’t died… yet.

    That is an oddly amusing analogy for how sad the subject matter is, lol.



  73.  #73Lisa on January 24, 2014 at 6:23 pm

    @Helena That is wonderful! Congrats on your radio interview!!! <3

    OXOXO



  74.  #74Kyla on January 24, 2014 at 6:39 pm

    Oh I would love to hear your story if you do write one!

    Aw Cupcake I haven’t spoken to Bear in a few days, I was feeling so drained by him, such a shame as it started off feeling so spectacular. I felt like hibernating this week and didn’t think I wanted to do anything this wkd. Friday night is blankets, take away and movies with my kids and I considered extending that through the entire wkd.

    Yes I am liking DrWho so very much I am constantly smiley at having to ping my attention back. And the mysterious, disappearing Dr has been in daily contact since my rock star move, intriguing! Checking in to ask how I’m feeling which feels sooo good. He’s really pulled out all the stops to get me to come out with him this wkd and I feel excited to have such a fun distraction. He’s taking me to a shooting range tomorrow afternoon! I feel shaky, giddy, butterflies-in-my-tummy excitement.

    I finally text new POF guy back today and he’s feeling more attractive to me, for practice still but I feel open to him and he makes me feel smiley. And I haven’t contacted ex-colleague as I know I would leap straight into his bed and not regret it one teeny little bit.. it’s just that I made myself new rules and I feel almost as he showed up to test them so I’d like to honor them for at least 30 days 🙂

    My mom is now flying home Sunday, gran is touch and go and no-one can tell what will happen. I feel relieved that mom will be where she needs and wants to be no matter what happens now.



  75.  #75Helena Hart on January 24, 2014 at 6:40 pm

    Thanks Lisa!!! 🙂



  76.  #76Kyla on January 24, 2014 at 6:49 pm

    Liquid Light I haven’t considered that kind of service myself although I’ve heard its something the busy, professional, high quality types you are seeking use so if you can afford it and the guys were intriguing then why not give it a try? I’m so feeling your vibe over here and its infectious.



  77.  #77R.N.AmazingMe on January 24, 2014 at 6:53 pm

    I believe you don’t truly know who you are until you’ve completely lost yourself…When you find your way back to your own heart. .. answers come from places you never knew existed.



  78.  #78cupcake on January 24, 2014 at 7:03 pm

    #70 Shannon –

    You are being incredibly hard on yourself.

    When I am in a really bad, downer and defeatest mood, sometimes I watch episodes of the UK tv series “Peep Show” on that large free video website that starts with You that if you type it in sends you to moderation.

    That show helps me because it is really funny, but mostly because you hear the characters internal dialogue and they are so painfully stuck in ruts of their own making that it helps me better understand the ruts of my own making.

    Its hard to explain. But if you like dry, British comedy, check it out and let me know how it feels to you. The inner dialogue makes the show.

    And your inner dialogue feels self-annihilating today. Ouch.

    On that same large video website that starts with You, there are hypnosis videos. There are some for self esteem and positive thinking. They are also helpful.

    You were turning negative thoughts around, last thread, like Andrea was explaining. You seemed happier then. Why not try tonight as an academic exercise if nothing else?



  79.  #79Liquid Light on January 24, 2014 at 7:05 pm

    Thanks Kyla, that made me feel so good, girl! 🙂



  80.  #80prplpsn28 on January 24, 2014 at 7:35 pm

    Signing in. Can’t keep up.



  81.  #81Cupcake on January 24, 2014 at 8:03 pm

    Sirens-

    Asking for a friend- I don’t know what to advise her.

    She was leaning forward. Guy backed off and told her they should start seeing other people.

    Guy leans forward slightly. She asks if they can talk because she’s confused. I think she wanted reassurance that he really meant see other people, not break up.

    She texts him a couple times and he doesn’t answer. She can see he’s reading the texts, and in frustration she writes something snippy. “Thanks. Have a nice life.” Something like that.

    The next day he writes that he wasn’t alone (was with a guy friend) when he read her messages and that’s why he didn’t write back. He doesn’t mention her request to talk. He says he feels frustrated by her being impatient.

    She wants to know – Should she- 1.) Leave it alone, leaning back and waiting for him to initiate the next round. Or 2.) Apologize for her snippy message (and possibly say the ball is in his court)?

    I can see arguments for either one. Just wondered what you would do or advise your friend.

    Cupcake



  82.  #82Cupcake on January 24, 2014 at 8:05 pm

    I told her to leave it alone and lean back, and now I’m wondering if that was bad advice. She’s pretty upset and I want to help her if I can. 🙁



  83.  #83Kyla on January 24, 2014 at 8:25 pm

    Cupcake I’d say lean way back, start CDing the world and other men, express the feminine, respect the masculine and let him come and claim her again.



  84.  #84LoveAlways on January 24, 2014 at 8:44 pm

    Cupcake – I think you told her the right thing to lean back. He told her what he wanted. IF she wants to still sleep with him or see him she should keep leaning back and let him approach her and if she feels it then be open and receiving to him and see where that goes, but sounds like she is all fixed on him and his feelings and his actions. No need to apologize. No need to explain. What about HER? Tell her to hug herself, she just went through something awful. Take care of herself, and ease her way out there circular dating herself, treating herself good, and accepting dates with other men – no rush, just feeling her way out there. Hard to explain this, I know. You are a good friend.



  85.  #85Cupcake on January 24, 2014 at 10:07 pm

    I told her that the point was she said she felt scared and needed to talk, and instead of responding to her vulnerability, he said he was frustrated with her being impatient. Where was the concern for her needs?

    THAT she understood. She said she just felt bad for the “Have a nice life” message. I said it showed she could live without him, and if he wants her he won’t let a little sass get in the way.

    She agrees she needs to start dating other men. It will be interesting to see how that shifts her paradigm.

    Thanks for your input.



  86.  #86Indigo on January 25, 2014 at 1:51 am

    Lisa 25,

    I feel very yuck if I feel in the “therapist” or “confidante” role with a man – sharing himself and sharing secrets is one thing, it’s another thing for a man to unburden himself on you emotionally, which to me feels very icky.

    And if you’re an empathic person, which you may well be, it’s difficult to make that separation. I personally find the best way to do it is energetically. You just imagine a bit of an energetic boundary between you and him where he can’t “dump” his problems on you in a way that’s not appropriate romantically. I remind myself not to give into the temptation to take his emotions on. I listen, but I don’t “absorb”, if that makes sense. I’ve found approaching it that way actually seems to help men respect your boundary and not “overshare”.



  87.  #87Indigo on January 25, 2014 at 2:12 am

    Shannon 46,

    I am not crazy about this “I must…”. Not only does it sound a bit demanding, it also sounds in some way like it’s something you have to fight for, gain permission for, not something which you deserve and is your birthright as a goddess.

    “I must feel safe to express those feelings” – you should *be* safe to express those feelings. If you’re not, why are you there?

    “I must feel loved and connected and secure” – again, I don’t think “must” is the right word here. You can’t force someone to make you feel loved, a great portion of this is in your power anyway. I would use “want to” instead, personally.

    For what it’s worth, I’ve found men tend to respond most effectively when you express your feelings as though it’s just a part of you and something you have every right to do. If you don’t feel safe with your feelings around him, for me this would be a big warning flag.

    Hugs to you



  88.  #88Indigo on January 25, 2014 at 2:43 am

    Cupcake,

    Definitely your friend should lean back. She may have thought the “have a nice life” message communicated her independence, but of course it really communicated her impatience with his timing.

    If he is right for her, he will come around on *his* timeline, if he is not, obviously the dating other men advice is helpful 🙂



  89.  #89Indigo on January 25, 2014 at 2:52 am

    B is treating me like a goddess. He is super affectionate and wants to spend oodles of time with me, tells me how fantastic I am and how happy I make him, and more recently that he is “afraid of doing something to mess things up”. He pays for everything and has started calling me “Angel” and sending romantic text messages at night.

    It makes me feel wonderful, although I don’t fully reciprocate his feelings yet, but that’s ok and I certainly do like him.

    I have had a strange experience with C (you sirens may remember C, I dated him about a month ago and then he phoned me at 2 am and we had an enlightening and authentic discussion about his recently broken off 8 year relationship, and then I never heard from him). Over the last two weeks, he has sent me 4 or 5 text messages asking if he could come and pick up a flash drive he lent me whilst we were dating. It’s a cheap flash drive and it didn’t have anything on it, also, even though I’ve been amenable whenever he’s texted about it, nothing has come of it and he hasn’t come and fetched it. The latest was that he said he was going to come by my work yesterday to fetch it, and then texted in the afternoon to say he wouldn’t make it. Most peculiar.



  90.  #90Femininewoman on January 25, 2014 at 3:01 am

    Cupcake the one thing I would suggest to her is to get rid of the “we need to talk” from her vocabulary. Many men run for the hills when they hear those words as what they tend to hear is “you are in trouble” so their fear kicks in and they go to their automatic defenses.



  91.  #91Femininewoman on January 25, 2014 at 3:29 am

    RE 46 Shannon I do believe it is a great start. What I sense coming from your words that I believe people are reacting to is a sense of resentment and entitlement. If that energy comes across in your words to him and most anyone what get triggers in their psychology is resistance. People especially men want to believe that they have the control over their life and their world. When approached with the sense of entitlement they know it is an indicator of trouble down the road. They know you are likely to battle if you don’t get what you want. Hence the importance of being vulnerable when negotiating for what you want in a relationship. A man really doesn’t want to be battle with his mate. He saves that kind of energy for other men.

    I believe you should keep on scripting until you unearth your true feelings which I do believe include some anger towards yourself for making the choices you did. These words you have written are your guide for yourself. Keep going I’d say and honor your fear also. Things will become clearer as you continue to write.



  92.  #92Femininewoman on January 25, 2014 at 3:50 am

    The next day he writes that he wasn’t alone (was with a guy friend)

    This is a key clue. Men tend to be single focused. They get hell to pay for from their friends when they drop what they are doing to jump to the demands of their girlfriends. They tease each other like hell around this kind of thing. They can also experience it as disrespectful. Here you come barging in without even a little “do you have time talk” and expect them to drop what they are doing as if they have no life but are just waiting around for you to barge in so that they can stand at attention. Dramatized I know but you get my drift. He has a life and he expects you to respect that. He knows you have a life outside of the relationship too. I would tell her to look at where her urgency is coming, When she gets this then next time it pops up she can feel the urgency and make informed decisions about what she is doing and where she is coming from.



  93.  #93April Rose on January 25, 2014 at 5:32 am

    Feminiwoman re 89
    “…keep on scripting until you unearth your true feelings…”

    Yes, yes, yes. this helps me tremendously.



  94.  #94April Rose on January 25, 2014 at 5:38 am

    Bearing in mind it has taken me 20+ years to even dare to feel my feelings, I think I am doing well.

    There are still some feelings that I would give anything not to feel. But I am trying to remember that it is the RESISTANCE to them that causes the horrible-feeling pain.

    Going to any feeling, willingly, and sinking into it. This will take me THROUGH it.

    ((((((Love to anyone who is in pain)))))))



  95.  #95Zara on January 25, 2014 at 8:29 am

    “They are all the same” music and text by Stromae

    Female
    You men are all the same
    Machos but cheap
    Pack of unfaithfull wimps
    So predictable
    No, I don’t feel sure you deserve me
    You’re lucky we love you
    Tell me thank you

    Male
    See you, see you, see you for the next mentruations
    See you, see you, see you surely for the next menses.

    Female
    This time was the last time.
    You may think it is only a crisis;
    Take a last look at my bum,
    It’s right next to my suitcases.
    Say good bye to your mother for me, she who idealizes you.
    You don’t even see all you are losing,
    With another one it would be worse.
    What, you too you want to end it now?
    It is the world up side down.
    Me, I was saying it only to make you react.
    You, you were considering it.

    Male
    See you, see you, see you for the next menstruations.
    See you, see you, see you surely for the next menses.

    Female
    It’s easy to say I am namby-pamby
    And I love the bla bla bla too much,
    But no, no, no, what you call the red visitor is important.
    You know, life is made of children
    But as usual it is not the right moment.
    Ah, yes, to make them, you will be present,
    But to raise them, help will be absent
    When I am not beautifull anymore in my natural state.
    Stop it, I know you are lying.
    Only Kate Moss is eternal.

    Ugly or idiot, it’s never good.
    Beautifull or idiot, it’s never good.
    Beautiful or me, it’s never good.
    Me or her, it’s never good.

    See you, see you, see you for the next menstruations
    See you, see you, see you surely for the next menses.

    (Female) They are all the same, all the same, all the same.
    I am fed up with it.
    (Male) They are all the same, all the same, all the same.
    I am fed up with it.

    http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6KVc-hs57QM

    xxx



  96.  #96Dominique on January 25, 2014 at 8:49 am

    Shannon – 70 – I feel so sad reading this. Everyone has troubles, pains, hurts, sometimes seemingly insurmountable difficulties, BUT no one is broken, no one.

    You cannot control what he does or doesn’t do, YET there is a chance you can shift him and his pattern.

    It starts with you, putting your focus on YOU, filling your life up as best as you can with people who make you smile, activities which make you feel good. AND it’s about learning how to take the best care of you possible, creating little rituals to awaken your sensuality (I don’t mean sexuality here) and give love to yourself whatever this looks like for you.

    It’s also about uncovering how you REALLY feel deep inside you and learning how to express this in ways others can hear.

    It’s about being kind to yourself, gentle with yourself, and patient.

    This is mainly about YOU and not him, yet in this he MAY change and heal right along with you. You’ve already experienced this in tiny ways. Can you take some pleasure in this? Feel thankful for it?

    How about looking for anything in your life which feels good? Revel in this, feel thankful for this, LOVE this.

    When it comes to your man, how about looking for this in him as well, and putting ALL your focus on anything he says or does which feels good. TELL HIM. “This feels so good…” ” I love it when….” This may very well inspire more of what you want.

    The more good feeling things you can recognize, the more good feeling things will you notice, and the more good feeling things will be created, BY YOU, though it may have been there all along.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  97.  #97LoveAlways on January 25, 2014 at 10:14 am

    Dominique – that was absolutely beautiful and so true – this sage advice has saved my life and my sanity time and time again.



  98.  #98Amber on January 25, 2014 at 10:18 am

    Hello Sirens!
    Cupcake, thank you so much for acknolweding my absence on the last thread. I felt my heart leap with joy that you were wondering where I’ve been. Mostly I’ve been trying to catch up. I got a tiny reprimand last week for spending too much time on the blog while at work. Oops! I had to lay low for a bit and consequently-way behind! I’m all caught up now.
    Just a short update. I finally got up the gumption to watch “Toxic Men.” I felt sooooo afraid (T) would be rated toxic and I’d feel like i had to run away. I felt scared. Turns out he’s on the border between “good” and “diffucult.” Thanks to Dominiques sharing relevent articles here I did some soul searching and realized that 1) I attracted an emotionally unavailable man because I WAS emotionally unavailable. 2) I am healing, and his presence triggers me and helps me heal faster. 3) He is healing WITH me. *tears* 4) If he NEVER CHANGES I can still love him.
    I love him today with all of his flaws, and you know what, Sirens? HE LOVES ME, TOO. Sometimes one of us gets scared and runs away for a minute. We don’t always know the RIGHT thing to say to each other. It’s okay. Sometimes I lean in and make myself feel bad (yesterday). Now i forgive myself quickly and move on. Sometimes he says something reactively that hurts for the MOMENT. i forgive him quickly and move on. There are so many MORE wonderful moments than hurtful or sad these days. Isn’t that the “happily ever after” were building a bridge to in “commitment blueprint?” What if the bridge can be “happliy ever after,” too?
    Certainly i don’t yet have a ring or a house with him or a joint bank account, but in the “happy moments” part of the equation I AM RICH. i feel so grateful, so full of love for everything I could burst. I’m sending some to each of you because the the more love i give the happier i am.
    Cheers!



  99.  #99LoveAlways on January 25, 2014 at 10:26 am

    Love Connects Us To The Power Within



  100.  #100Dominique on January 25, 2014 at 11:45 am

    Amber – 96 – Awesome. I feel filled up reading this.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  101.  #101Shannon on January 25, 2014 at 11:54 am

    I know how I feel deep down. I feel angry and I feel abandoned. It’s not a mystery.

    He’s off getting laid this weekend. But I’m supposed to heal him.

    Why? Why should I want him back? I can only think because it would be best for K and because it will suck so much to struggle financially for the rest of my life.

    Other than that, why?

    And would it even be best for her? He only pays attention to her for a couple days at a time and then shuts his door and goes back down his hidey-hole.

    I don’t want to struggle financially for the rest of my life… but I realize that I want even less to be stuck with someone who cannot stand me. Someone who will go off and screw some other woman right after giving me “hope” for our relationship. Someone who will abandon me without concern if he decides he’s not getting laid enough by the person he ignores (which is ultimately what this is all about).

    Why? Why should I want this back? Why should I heal him at all?



  102.  #102Daria on January 25, 2014 at 12:47 pm

    I feel so excited everyone!!!

    Feeling my feelings (instead of Saying or Doing something) with a man even on the phone WORKS

    so well to attract him to me!

    its like even if he comes in with triggering stuff… instead of focusing on REJECTING (starting off with the ‘dont want’)

    i focus on the FEELING (sad or scared) and FEEL into it… it’s like i clear out the energy for BOTH of us

    and he’s likepowerless to now feel the good feeling im feeling

    and usually says something like I wanna fuc8k u so bad right now (after he was just ranting and tripping)

    haha!

    i feel so powerful!

    all my “difficult” men are falling in line…

    weell in “Circle” that is

    😉



  103.  #103Daria on January 25, 2014 at 12:50 pm

    meanwhile on the other line of my other ‘difficults’ called twice (because he was suddenly so attracted… hes a ‘long distance psychic daria perciever’ too)

    and then he said “you know you’re supposed to answer when i call”

    same thing the other difficult says lol their self-important type of difficult

    so i apologize 🙂 smile hehe i feel so good and indeed y not…

    lol

    life feels so fun



  104.  #104Daria on January 25, 2014 at 12:54 pm

    AAAndd… i had another one of my ‘difficults’ come closer to me and i felt my feelings with him too!!

    he was mad when i didnt want to have sex again (insert story lata) and i sat there with him naked and felt the feelings and after we BOTH felt good

    and it felt SO MAGICAL

    and i so ADORE RORI



  105.  #105Cupcake on January 25, 2014 at 3:30 pm

    Hi, Sirens-

    I just got back from the gym. I was on the treadmill watching the Brady Bunch, and realized that it’s like I just go to this dark scary place in my head, a conditioned response– no, not to the Brady Bunch, or the treadmill- just going to the gym. And it’s not ABOUT going to the gym, which I actually like doing.

    It’s because when I first came to New City and joined that gym, it was right after Lord V said he didn’t want a relationship with me. And every time I go in there and set the treadmill, it’s like I am running from this sense of not being good enough, not being lovable, not being thin enough. So I keep pushing the speed on the treadmill, setting the incline higher, like if I can just burn enough calories, sweat enough, tone up enough, lose enough weight- then the meter will reset itself and somehow I’ll be in the happy relationship I imagined, with Lord V (ha!) or someone else.

    My point is- there I was, watching the Brady Bunch and I realized I felt like there was a loaded gun to my head. A sense of desperation that is NOT a response to anything going on in the real world.

    Real world fact:: I am the leading candidate for the job I interviewed for yesterday. Not sure I want the job, but it still is nice to be wanted. (I’ll explain more about the caveats in the job.)

    Real world fact: I have another interview for a job on Monday, a job I think I’ll probably want. I used to work there and left on great terms. Hopefully, they’ll want me back.

    Real world fact: I’m going to the theater tonight with a girl I met at a party last week. I’ve made more friends in New City in 6 weeks than in 2 years in the Mountain State where I used to live.

    Real world fact: I have a CD on Monday with a hot young guy that I’ll sleep with opportunity arises. BaristaCD, I’ll call him.

    Real world fact: Many of the things I moan about missing in Lord Voldemort are also qualities in a new CD from Lord Voldmort’s country who approached me and says he likes the cut of my jib. I’ll call him…BluntCD, because he’s said a couple things that were pretty…you guessed it…blunt. Possibly red flags, but maybe he just calls ’em like he sees ’em. I like that in a person.

    Real world fact: my old life fell away, and then I was in limbo, and I can tell the first green shoots of my new life are popping up.

    Lord Voldemort is gone. And he disappointment me TWICE with zero accountability. That’s a good riddance. I know this.

    So hopefully next time I get on the treadmill, with or without the help of the Bradys, I will be able to NOT go to the dark scary place in my head.

    Thanks for listening.

    Oh, and for those of you who use treadmills- I learned today that if you set the starting speed for 1.7 miles per hour, make sure, before you hit “ENTER”, that you have not put a zero after the 1, thus making it 10.7 mph as the starting speed. It’s a bit…startling.



  106.  #106April Rose on January 25, 2014 at 3:34 pm

    There is a ball of old, stuck and unfelt feeling. I sense it at the bottom of my left lung. It’s dark grey and feels dense.

    Only the deepest of wrenching sobs has begun to dislodge it.

    In babysteps I am opening to the grief I absolutely did not want to acknowledge.



  107.  #107Dominique on January 25, 2014 at 3:36 pm

    Shannon – This is a great question Shannon. Why would you want him back? Another wonderful aspect to healing yourself is gaining clarity, on you and on your situation. And this can give you the impetus to change things for YOU, to something which feels better.

    Rori gave you some great suggestions awhile back, concrete ways to find your way out and free of this if this is causing you this much pain. There is ALWAYS a way.

    xxoo



  108.  #108Femininewoman on January 25, 2014 at 3:43 pm

    Cupcake I encourage women to be careful with those machines now. For years I worked out hard mainly because I hated my butt. I spent many years trying to get rid of it. Attracted too much attention. The last couple years I worked out on the threadclimber for at least an hour a day. Today I have to be considering hip surgery. The cartilage on the right side is totally worn out and I am constantly in pain from bone rubbing on bone. And yeah I tried supplements.



  109.  #109cupcake on January 25, 2014 at 4:27 pm

    FW- does your doc say it was the thread climber?
    Or just ongoing stress over all the machines?



  110.  #110Liquid Light on January 25, 2014 at 5:14 pm

    Cupcake, wow, it sounds like you are doing great girl! Moving is challenging so the fact that its been hard is normal, however, it really sounds like you quickly settling in, spreading your wings, and starting to enjoy your life in New City! I love what you wrote about making friends. I used to live in a mountain town as well so I can so relate to that. I’m making a lot of new friends too in my new town and its fun! Anyway, you go, girl, you sound great! 🙂



  111.  #111Liquid Light on January 25, 2014 at 6:26 pm

    I’m going to a singles “ball” tonight. Its put on by the same organization as the last singles event I went to. The one with all the men that were much older than me so I’m not that hopeful about “meeting anyone”… But it will be fun to put on a cute dress and dance a little!



  112.  #112Lizka on January 25, 2014 at 7:20 pm

    Wow amazing post. Exactly what I needed right now. I’m going to follow the boot camp step by step starting tomorrow. Thank you.



  113.  #113LoveAlways on January 25, 2014 at 8:23 pm

    Hi Lizka!!



  114.  #114LoveAlways on January 25, 2014 at 8:27 pm

    Daria – Wow, that is like ninja level feeling, right there with him sitting there you stopped to feel while he wanted to connect . . . damn, that deep!



  115.  #115LoveAlways on January 25, 2014 at 8:33 pm

    Shanon:

    Maybe consider taking yet another step back . . . on that same path of why should you heal him, and what he is or isnt doing this weekend . . . and step into YOU – beyond the relationship bubble with him – back into your own bubble and see the possibilities of YOUR needs being met, by you, by men. You are changing you focus, that feels powerful whether you embrace that feeling yet. I encourage you to take that next babystep further back and away and out of the relationship bubble with him.



  116.  #116cupcake on January 25, 2014 at 8:51 pm

    April Rose #106

    The only way put is through.

    Brava, you.



  117.  #117LoveAlways on January 26, 2014 at 10:05 am

    I have an aunt who cries all the time for anything. It’s a well known family fact that anything that happens, good or bad, auntie is going to shed some tears. And I finally understand her . . . she feels her feels on the spot! Today, I have spent the entire morning crying. For no reason in particular, just in response to the intensity of my feelings. Nothing has happened. It just is. And I just feel. Like wow. I will never sneer at auntie again. Indeed, I admire her strength to FEEL. She lives in the moment. She is a strong woman, not a weak woman. I understand now.



  118.  #118Lisa on January 26, 2014 at 10:45 am

    testing



  119.  #119Lisa on January 26, 2014 at 10:46 am

    humm most of my posts that had not trigger language in it have gone to moderation… except the testing post…. hummm

    see if this posts….



  120.  #120Indigo on January 26, 2014 at 10:48 am

    So today finally I get a “Hello, how are you, what you been up to” text from C.

    Ok, then.



  121.  #121LoveAlways on January 26, 2014 at 11:07 am

    I am stepping deeper into my own power now. New rule/boundary: My feminine energy and the 4 rules and other tools only apply to those men I interact with as CDs. I am free to be in my masculine energy otherwise.



  122.  #122LoveAlways on January 26, 2014 at 11:09 am

    I am stepping deeper into my own power now. New rule/boundary: My feminine energy and the 4 rules and other tools only apply to those men I interact with as CDs. I am free to be in my masculine energy otherwise.



  123.  #123LoveAlways on January 26, 2014 at 11:10 am

    Trying to post this again: I have an aunt who cries all the time for anything. It’s a well known family fact that anything that happens, good or bad, auntie is going to shed some tears. And I finally understand her . . . she feels her feels on the spot! Today, I have spent the entire morning crying. For no reason in particular, just in response to the intensity of my feelings. Nothing has happened. It just is. And I just feel. Like wow. I will never sneer at auntie again. Indeed, I admire her strength to FEEL. She lives in the moment. She is a strong woman, not a weak woman. I understand now.



  124.  #124Indigo on January 26, 2014 at 11:15 am

    I feel like such a siren tonight.

    Guys who have been gone for weeks (months) messaged me out of the blue tonight – D also sent me a message – a short one, but a positive one nonetheless.

    And B was all over me with adoring energy.

    It’s powerful stuff ladies.



  125.  #125Angela on January 26, 2014 at 11:38 am

    @ LoveAlways I admire you! Y
    Daria- your posts are so refreshing! So much power, feeling. i want to be there! You are magical



  126.  #126April Rose on January 26, 2014 at 12:11 pm

    I’m listening to recording no.5 from Rori’s Love Forever teleclass, and I just heard the best description of a circular date.

    Rori talks about herself being at the market and leaning back, being in her body and connecting with people. She said that she’s not flirting, she is ‘having an open-hearted moment with somebody’. Man, woman, or child.
    And that’s what alters your vibe.



  127.  #127April Rose on January 26, 2014 at 12:43 pm

    (more from Rori’s teleclass)

    When you are present, wherever you are, your vibe is gonna come across as radiating “I’ve got all the time in the world.”
    There’s nobody out there like this. Everyone is rushing or thinking or in their mobile phones.

    Your vibe is “I’m just tracking my body, feeling what I’m feeling. I’m speaking it in poetic terms. I’m accepting everything radically. I’m loving myself no matter what. I’m loving everybody no matter what just happened. I’m loving the moment no matter what just happened. I’m breathing through my belly. I have all the time in the world. Even if my heart is pounding.”

    And people are just gonna fall over themselves to get to you. And in circular dating you start to talk to them from that space. And if you start to lean forward or rush or be in your brain, you gently pull it back.



  128.  #128Millie on January 26, 2014 at 1:53 pm

    I had a couple realizations and moments of progress the other day…I’d like to share…

    Do you ladies remember Rori’s previous post that related drama to a child crying over not getting candy in the store? Well…I realized that is me! The biggest feelings voice in my body is my inner little girl. When I cry..I say my real feelings and desires in my head, which makes me cry more that I don’t have them. I was saying to myself, “I don’t want to be alone and sexless” “Why doesn’t he want me” “Why can’t it be the way I want?” “I was so happy in that moment, why can’t that continue?” I took myself out of my body and sat next to myself, as a friend listening to another close friend cry her eyes out. I listened to myself….and I thought.. “WOW! this woman sounds like a child crying over candy she didn’t get.” “I wanted chocolate but I got sour candy instead. humph!” I’m totally serious here…..stepping outside myself I see how my attitude and my feelings are very very childish. And I’m saying that to criticize myself at all, I’m saying that purely out of truth. This little girl is throwing a tantrum and that’s why I feel so much anger and resentment towards myself and to events that have and haven’t happened. I want what I want and I haven’t developed the emotional muscle to communicate what I really want and at the same time be able to move through not getting it. I haven’t learned how to ACCEPT what is yet….I see that now. Anger…I know is not a real emotion. It’s a reaction to an emotion. I have felt a lot of anger and resentment…and I think i’m making the connection now to expectations. I’m having expectations about things and also holding on to them…wanting the good moments to continue but not actually communicating that at all. I’m frustrated, not with men, but with myself. I feel angry when I don’t get what I want. I think that is the bottom line here. The other part of this is…”I want to date (insert name here)” Well, this thought is also problematic because essentially I’m committing (a form of it) before the guy has expressed his desire. I also realize that I want men to do things and I’m upset when they don’t…like for example ask me out. I want a guy to ask me out and he doesn’t. That is kind of controlling. I say I don’t want to control a man, but I think I’ve been lying to myself.



  129.  #129Millie on January 26, 2014 at 2:07 pm

    So, I’m making a change. Let me know what you think of this….

    Instead of continuing to cry over spilt milk, instead of pining for that relationship I don’t have and can’t seem to achieve, instead of being angry at myself for being myself, I’m going to start appreciating all the amazing things about being single. Men are hesitant to commit because they value their freedom. In the past, I have not enjoyed being exclusive at all, so why am I in such emotional distress over the absence of men in my life? I want to circular date, I don’t want exclusivity right now. I want to enjoy my freedom, I WANT to be single right now! What a refreshing feeling and idea! I already feel lighter and am breathing easier just typing it!!

    So I’m making a list of all the wonderful things about being single that I’m probably taking for granted…One day there will a man sleeping next to me every day….when I get to that point, I will probably say, sh*t I should have appreciated my single days more!

    Great things about being single:
    -I can take up ALL of the bed. There is no one snoring to disrupt my sleep!
    -I can be selfish, I can do whatever I want when I want to. considering only myself.
    -I can sleep with whoever I want. I have that freedom.
    -I can enjoy the experience of dating many men.
    -I can stay out until three am and not have to answer to anyone.
    -I like living alone. I really do. And one day that will change, so I better enjoy it while I can!

    I know those are very “young” reasons to enjoy being single, but I realized too, sh*t I’m 27, I just moved out, got a great job, am making $$, why rush to get to that “next step” in life, I need to just enjoy where I’m at…the universe has pointed me here…and I’m here. The only barrier between allowing men in is me and my mentality….so I really want to change it and I think this is a great, authentic way for me to start. And that little girl inside…needs to stop pouting. haha



  130.  #130LoveAlways on January 26, 2014 at 3:03 pm

    Angela

    <3



  131.  #131Amber on January 26, 2014 at 4:00 pm

    Wow Millie! ~128
    I identified with this so much! Thank you for posting. I too often feel like either a thwarted fretful child or a control freak… which leads to feeling like a thwarted, fretful child! (T) cancelled on me today and i want to stomp around and be pissy. My inner child would like to cause everyone else to be as pissy as i am. Instead i sent a feeling message about my disappointment and now i’m going to ride my horse. We will run across the desert, free as the wind and that will shift my vibe. Then I’m going to share a bottle of wine with a girlfriend and get a good nights sleep. Ha! He’s missing out on my great company. Sad for him. I’m an amazing SIREN and many people seek to bask in my presence! I am WONDERFUL! I am POWERFUL! I AM LOVE!



  132.  #132Lisa on January 26, 2014 at 5:09 pm

    @Millie that is amazing!! realizations!!! Bravo!! <3 Impressive.. You Go Girl!!!

    OXOX



  133.  #133cupcake on January 26, 2014 at 6:12 pm

    Millie #128

    Wow! That is a powerful post. Your energy and clarity feel very present.

    Thank you for sharing your realizations here. I feel moved by them.

    You go, girl!



  134.  #134Shannon on January 26, 2014 at 6:41 pm

    Oh my god, I had the most amazing experience tonight!

    I got totally stood up. I felt so sad that I decided to go to Barnes and Noble and drown my sorrows in a chocolate cupcake….

    I met this amazing woman and started chatting with her.

    Right in the middle of it… a man walks up to us and says, “I hate to interrupt, but you don’t seem to be stopping…. I heard you got stood up?”

    And he asked me out. On the spot. We walked a half a block and he bought me dinner! It was amazing!

    Who knew??



  135.  #135Liquid Light on January 26, 2014 at 6:58 pm

    First of all, I had a great time at the dance last night: I wore a cute dress, I danced my a** off, I got lots of attention, and I met someone cute and interesting!

    Then today I took my first golfing lesson and I absolutely loved it! It was so much fun and I am so intrigued by the sport. And I’ve already been asked out on my first golf date! So big shout out to Kyla and Cupcake for all of your great suggestions!

    I’m having so much fun right now putting myself out there, meeting new people, doing new things – I feel like a kid in a candy store!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂



  136.  #136Liquid Light on January 26, 2014 at 7:05 pm

    Sounds awesome, Millie!!! Such wisdom at such a young age, I wish I had that when I was your age. Wow! So impressed!!!



  137.  #137Cupcake on January 26, 2014 at 7:26 pm

    # 133 Liquid Light

    I feel so excited for you!

    What was your dress like? Were the men better (or at least younger?) at this ball?

    It makes me happy that you are having so much fun!



  138.  #138Cupcake on January 26, 2014 at 7:42 pm

    Hi Sirens-

    Last night I went to see a play that was a one woman show. The actress played six different characters. She had conversations between them, changing from character to character, back and forth, by changing her voice and body language. It was an active and physical play. She even had a knife-fight going on, and showed not only the two guys fighting but the reactions from the other characters watching.

    I suppose I should say something deep about how we are all playing different characters and are many different people at the same time, each find and speaking our truth. But actually I’m telling you about this play, not because of a great life lesson or Siren-parallel I learned, but rather because when I see good theater, I feel joy. I feel renewed. I feel like the batteries of my soul got recharged.

    David Mamet wrote something about how the lesson of theater is that true cooperation is possible. For a play to happen, cooperation must happen. Sound, lights, house management, actors– everyone has to agree on a goal and do their part with love and precision.

    So- and this is where the life lesson and Siren-parallel comes in- when I walk out of a theater after seeing a good play, I believe in love. I believe in happy relationships. I believe in having it all.

    (Sigh of satisfaction.)

    And therefore, today I had a good day.

    I’m a little lonely now, sitting in my apartment. I wish there was a way we could all Skype together. I’d love to hear about the ball, Liquid Light, about your revelations, Millie, about more from Rori’s teleclass, April Rose, about what you’ve been up to and are feeling, Lisa. I’d love to be the girlfriend you’re having the wine with, Amber.

    Oh, well. As the technology evolves, perhaps we’ll have that. In the meantime, it feels nice to think of all of you Sirens out there. It makes me feel not so alone. It makes me feel like we’re all cooperating, in a giant Rub iks Cube of love.

    Sending you love.



  139.  #139Cupcake on January 26, 2014 at 7:43 pm

    Also, I was someplace today where there was a large goldfish bowl of free condoms. So I took some.

    There’s optimism for you! 😉



  140.  #140Brenda on January 26, 2014 at 8:27 pm

    #47 April Rose and Rori

    Well I thk u guys for listening and the feed back.Rori I really should rephrase it when I asked u to help me then I went on to tell my story when I do agree that my situation requires counseling. I told my story because I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone what’s been going on with me and I wanted to someone anyone to hear my story to hear and see if it was something I done for the way things have gone between x and me.

    I am aware that no one on this site is in a position to counsel me and, if they are definitely not for free. I wouldn’t want to tell my story to anyone to get free services when they have worked hard on their craft to earn a living not give out free advice.

    Which comes to something Rori said that I’m wondering if she means my finacle circumstance is the reason why I have had this type of situation with x, but I did get that if I have things in order with myself I wouldn’t desire to be with a man that we have so much drama and pain going on.

    Also like most people I am going thru a lil down moment in my life, is this the reason he treats me this way? And is it justified because my life is in a lil bit of a transition? Also my rent, car, bills are paid.I am considered middle class I make too much to get food stamps and not enough to do a lot of things I want to do but I thank God and I know it’ll get better.

    So I guess I do agree with Rori on the fact it is somethings I need to get together in my life to earn more money, so at least I could eliminate the burden of money problems. Also the part about therapy, I’ve been to therapy before last yr and I stopped.I didn’t feel much coming from it but now I see I have to give it another try.

    Thk you guys for listening to me it meant so much



  141.  #141Millie on January 26, 2014 at 8:42 pm

    Thank you ladies for your support!! This change feels really good and I’m glad some of what I said resonates with you too 🙂



  142.  #142Indigo on January 26, 2014 at 8:47 pm

    (((Cupcake)))



  143.  #143Indigo on January 26, 2014 at 8:48 pm

    Millie,

    Amazing, beautiful realisations! 🙂



  144.  #144Millie on January 26, 2014 at 8:51 pm

    Cupcake,

    Theater sounds for you how dancing feels for me!
    When I dance, especially swing, I feel truly happy and free and I believe in love and relationships. I went swing dancing the other night. The place I go mainly is a church, but they have live bands and plenty of great dance partners. Most of the men are too old for me to date, but it’s funny how despite the age difference, dancing brings us together. Men in their 60s and 70s dance with me like they are in their 20s like me! I am amazed at how much energy and vigor they have! Plus, with no dating potential, I feel completely relaxed and I trust them that their only intention is to have a great time dancing! Which is why I’m there too! I always leave feeling light as air!

    Yeah I wish we could have tea Cupcake, I feel like we’d get along well and have great laughs!!! Right now, I’m alone in my apartment too–I slept in today, cleaned my place, showered and took care of myself, even did some drawing…now I admit I feel a little bored haha….so it is nice to have you to chat with!



  145.  #145Cupcake on January 26, 2014 at 9:02 pm

    Millie- Where are you?



  146.  #146Cupcake on January 26, 2014 at 9:03 pm

    I mean what time zone… Although if you want to share where, that’s fine….



  147.  #147Cupcake on January 26, 2014 at 9:05 pm

    Indigo- Thanks for the hug! How was your weekend?



  148.  #148Brenda on January 26, 2014 at 9:07 pm

    Also the x continues to make contact.He had been sick in the hospital on mon he sent pics of him laying into the hospital bed.He asked me to bring him medicine to his house when he got out later that day but I didn’t have the money. He texted me that night making small talk and sending pics of himself.

    The next day which was tues he called me in the am and asked me if he could bring his daughter over to see me but I told him I had to go to my daughter’s school, which was a lie.I just see that telling him no usually is bad for me.So he said its ok and he said he wants to see me later if he can stop coughing, he has bad asthma.Well on Wed he text saying he was really sick and he wants me to buy medicine and he’ll come pick it up, I did but he text and said he was too messed up to come out.So Thursday I had a lot of stuff to do I went back to work and came home and relaxed he did the regular few text.Fri he asked me to borrow money he came to the hospital I work and I gave him 200 and he asked if he could house my keys that he needed to sleep that he can’t rest well at his mom’s house, he said to hurry because he was double parked so I gave them to him.

    He said he would leave my keys at my house and the money he borrowed by the time I get off it would be on my dresser.
    When I got off he was on the back of my house in his car with his daughter he let me in the house and said he’ll be back.I knew he didn’t leave the money because he didn’t give my keys and I didn’t want to start the conversation around his daughter and he was acting like he was in a hurry. So I kept quite stayed in on the fri night bored and no money that was the last money.

    He kept texting me asking me what was I doing at least 3 times the last time I didn’t respond. At 11 that night he called and asked me why didn’t I respond to his text I told him I was sleeping, the next min I heard the door unlock and he came inand laid next to me.He told me he loves me and he wane to mzmake love to me that he’s leaving next week to do his time for the traffic case and he appreciates me and loves me so much.

    The next day he stayed with me til 4 in the evening.When he got ready to leave I asked him about the money because I wanted to go out with friends he said he would bring groceries when he got back.He said the food is more important because he likes to eat and he said that I don’t need to go out that I should stay in and just wait kn him to get back.I asked him could he give my mailbox key so I could check my mail and he said that he gave me the keys earlier and he left out.So I went in my room and I don’t have the keys but I didn’t say anything because I figure its gonna make me angry to hear his answer and he maybe get mad at me and the lately its not good if he is mad.

    He didn’t come back here and its unusual that I haven’t heard from him today but its ok, I chunk this up to soon he’ll be not be an issue of mines.The woman he stays with when he’s no at my house or one of the women he has kids with that constantly call his phone they are happy to have him.Maybe he has a good relationship with them whatever the situation he has with them I am stepping out of the way.

    I hate that he has to go away and I doe wish bad on him or anyone , I just want a peace of mind, him out of my head I feel he’s out of my heart already.



  149.  #149Veronica on January 26, 2014 at 9:13 pm

    I tried to post yesterday but my internet was so slow that it didn’t happen despite my efforts.

    Wow Millie, great insights and lovely observations : )

    Indigo – Yay! It’s so good to read how cherished you feel.

    This past week I didn’t hear from a potential CD, the last man I spoke to before I closed down my profile. It felt great not to be bothered by that and I had my own feelings to deal with. I gave it no energy and now he’s apologized for not being in contact and wants to meet. I didn’t have to do anything, not even energy wise, no hint of expectation. That’s huge for me because I didn’t feel obligated to ‘not think about him’, it just happened by itself, quietly and peacefully : ) And I prefer this because it seems more honest, that men contact of their own free will, as it were, and not because there’s my energy pulling their attention to me.

    This weekend I was really down and feeling it, if it was possible I would just burst in tears but I was in a church and that would have been awkward. The down feeling was almost overwhelming and I wasn’t too present with what was going on around me. Then someone I knew greeted me and it’s as though those feelings just slid off and I could respond with genuine enthusiasm and enjoyment. I thought that was pretty cool, that I could feel down-y feelings and then feel other, opposite feelings easily. I was open to feeling other feelings. Yay.



  150.  #150Millie on January 26, 2014 at 9:24 pm

    Cupcake, I live in Los Angeles.



  151.  #151Cupcake on January 26, 2014 at 9:29 pm

    Hi again, Sirens-

    “But the tigers come at night…with their voices full of thunder…”

    Isn’t that how the song goes?

    I slept too late today, having kept myself out late to avoid a night alone listening to my head-devils. And now it’s night again and after having such a nice day, an easy day, I’m watching myself try to go back to that dark place in my head. I keep sweeping myself out of the doorway of that place, like I’m the goalie of my thoughts and I don’t want them going in there.

    I was listening to Marianne Williamson today and she said, “Don’t combat the darkness. Turn on the light.”

    So I’ll do that. Kyla suggested I write a new story for myself, and because I’m watching myself play this inner hockey game, I’ll focus on that instead.

    Cupcake’s Story– PART I

    Once upon a time, there was a Siren named Cupcake. She enjoyed a lovely childhood filled with weekends at the lake with the boat and noodle salad, and she was told that someday her prince would come, and he would be a lawyer, and on the weekends they would barbeque. (By the way, I am stealing liberally from movies here, and may just keep doing it. So far, “As Good As It Gets” and “Liquid Sky.”)

    And then she grew up. And then her dad died, and the entailed estate went to the dreaded Mr. Collins. So not only was there no more lovely family home to go to, but there was no longer a kindly, bookish source of unending unconditional love to make her feel like everything was going to be okay.

    Then, the economy tanked, and Cupcake couldn’t find a job. She kept ALMOST getting great jobs, ALMOST being the operative word. And she walked around like a boarded-up building, like she was wearing a sign that said “No Trespassing.”

    She wore that sign for a very long time.

    One day, Cupcake was totally broke. She called a wise old friend, who said, “If you can’t fix this, stop trying. Tell the Universe to solve the problem for you.” So Cupcake hung up the phone and said, “Universe, I’m broke. Please solve this problem.”

    Then her phone rang. And from that phone call, withing 48 hours, she had a substantial amount of cash. So Cupcake told the Universe, “You drive.”

    And then a truck pulled up with a wrecking ball attached, and it started whacking at Cupcake’s house. She ran, and ran. She ran to the mountains.

    She hid in the forest, where she found a tower in the trees. She climbed up into it, and she found a giant brass bed, so she climbed up into that. And there she lay, curled up, for a very long time.

    END OF PART I
    to be continued….



  152.  #152Cupcake on January 26, 2014 at 9:34 pm

    Millie-

    The City of Angels!

    New City is New Orleans. The city of Jesters! 🙂



  153.  #153Cayle on January 26, 2014 at 9:49 pm

    How do you get the guy you love that dated you once to get him to fall in love with you again



  154.  #154Cupcake on January 26, 2014 at 9:52 pm

    Cupcake’s Tale
    Part II

    Cupcake liked it in the forest. It was quiet. Snow, in particular, was quiet. There was a lot of snow. And a lot of quiet.

    Cupcake would probably have stayed there forever, until the tower filled with quiet snow. But then her mother got sick, and she had to go to Mouse-State to help her mother.

    It would have been a horrible nightmare, because it was very stressful. The Universe, though, in its kindness, sent an angel to keep Cupcake company. (That was Lord Voldemort, who’s been dealt with elsewhere in this blog. He was sent for a short, finite, specific and generous purpose- to keep Cupcake from going insane in Mouse-State. His work completed, he disappeared, like Cary Grant at the end of The Bishop’s Wife. Or Mary Poppins, flying off with her umbrella, and Cupcake remained, blessing him, but not in love with him.)

    One morning, after Cupcake’s sister came to take care of their mom, Cupcake woke up and was in New City. And that was where the adventure really began.

    End of Part II
    To be continued…



  155.  #155Cupcake on January 26, 2014 at 9:55 pm

    (Thank you for indulging me, Sirens. I feel restless tonight. And I want to kick the head-devils out of my thoughts. Writing this is keeping me from feeling scared and alone. Instead, it makes me feel creative and connected with all of you. So…thank you for that. And I apologize for blowing up the blog with so many words.)



  156.  #156Cupcake on January 26, 2014 at 10:21 pm

    Cupcake’s Tale
    Part III

    New City was not like the mountain. It was not quiet.

    A creature of habit, Cupcake immediately sought out a tower, which she climbed up into, and a bed, which she crawled right into. Her tower was the highest point in all the land, and from every side, she could see the horizon.

    Unlike the mountain, though, New City was not quiet. From her tower perch, Cupcake could hear, all at once: roosters crowing, the blowing horn of ocean liners, traffic, sirens, a band comprised entirely of drums, sometimes a parade, leaves of the tree outside one of her windows. Sometimes rain on the metal roof.

    It was a city of noise, of music. It was a city that stirs things up, working from the inside out.

    Cupcake joined a gym. Cupcake talked to strangers. Cupcake posted really long messages on a blog. And smiled at men. And took chances on things.

    And the quiet, the frozen quiet, in Cupcake’s heart, began to fall away. Instead of the “CLOSED FOR BUSINESS- NO TRESPASSING SIGN” on the building of Cupcake’s life, a warm neon sign appeared, one that said, “Welcome! Open All Night!” and showed a cheerful, steaming cup of coffee– and beyond the sign, into a fun, funky diner that looked like just the kind of place elegant, sophisticated, yet whimsical men would stroll, looking for a place to read. (The Economist, or Financial Times, or perhaps a nostalgic revisit of The Three Musketeers, or Count of Monte Cristo.)

    Cupcake’s life became that fun, friendly, diner. And the lovely, intelligent, happy men came to visit all the time. They came from all over the world to sit in Cupcake’s diner, to talk, to laugh. Sometimes they took Cupcake to museums, and they talked and laughed there. And sometimes they took her for walks in the park. And sometimes they took her to fine, fancy restaurants, or on carriage rides.

    One day, a tall handsome stranger looked up from his book at the diner counter. (Cupcake saw that he was reading Foucoult’s Pendulum. Or was it Gravity’s Rainbow?”) He smiled at Cupcake and said, “Come here often?”

    She said, “Yes, actually. This diner is only a metaphor. It’s my life you’re sitting in.”

    He said, “Actually…no. It’s MY life YOU’RE pouring coffee in. And I have to say, I like the way you do it. And the apple pie ala mode a chap gets here is superb!”

    Cupcake blushed. (She didn’t actually remember pouring him any coffee, or serving him pie, but since that was all part of his metaphor, she figured she’d accept his praise, because it felt nice to hear.)

    He said, “You know, I have this entire metaphor of my own that I think you might like. It’s got a chateau, and a gondola, and four white horses, and beautiful gardens, and- I think it might suit you. Would you like to come and check it out?”

    Cupcake said, “Can I bring my diner?”

    He said, “Of course!”

    She said, “Can I bring my tower filled with music?”

    He said, “Listen…what is it with you and these towers? We’re going to be IN the gardens, riding the horses, exploring the chateau, sailing in the gondola. I think the tower had better stay where it is.”

    Cupcake said, “Oh.” She said it rather glumly.

    He continued, “Now, the music, though– that you can bring. We will enjoy it together.”

    So Cupcake packed up the sound of the roosters, the blowing horn of the ocean liners, the parades, the traffic, the lovely tree brushing against her window. She packed up all the sounds that had melted the cold silence of her past. She rolled them all like a poster under her arm, and she walked out into New City- which was now called New World- with the handsome man, and they rose up into the sky and sailed away, second star to the right, and straight on til morning.

    (You can still see the neon sign shining, “Open All Night”– It’s there, just from a distance.)

    The End



  157.  #157Liquid Light on January 26, 2014 at 10:26 pm

    I wish I was there hanging out with you lovely ladies too!

    Cupcake, it was a form-fitting black sleeveless lace dress with a nude underlayer. I wore it with little black heels and gold spiral earrings that my father gave me aand a gold bracelet that my mom gave me. As soon as I walked into the room, a man noticed me and motioned me over. He kept telling me how good I looked and how much he liked the dress. It was a great way to start the night! Anyway, thanks for asking about the dress! It was the first time I wore it.



  158.  #158Liquid Light on January 26, 2014 at 10:28 pm

    Wow, Cupcake, awesome story!!!



  159.  #159Cupcake on January 26, 2014 at 10:43 pm

    Liquid Light # 157-

    I wish we could post pictures! It sounds beautiful, and your energy feels beautiful as you write. I’m so glad you had such a lovely night, and I’m also glad that man motioned you over as soon as you got there, so you could really FEEL that you were being seen in all your radiance!

    (And thank you for your kind words about my story. It felt very fun to write!)



  160.  #160Cris on January 27, 2014 at 12:20 am

    @Cupcake, such an amazing story!



  161.  #161Veronica on January 27, 2014 at 2:23 am

    Cupcake – I enjoyed the story, thank you.

    Liquid Light – That dress sounds gorgeous, I love lace especially black lace.



  162.  #162Dominique on January 27, 2014 at 5:11 am

    Shannon – 134 – Awesome, yay you!!!

    xxoo



  163.  #163Dominique on January 27, 2014 at 5:12 am

    Millie – 129 – Love this. 🙂

    xxoo



  164.  #164Dominique on January 27, 2014 at 5:16 am

    Brenda – 140 – Interview several different counselors to get a feel for them, to see which one feels right FOR YOU. A good counselor who you resonate and feel comfortable with can make such a wonderful, life changing difference for you.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  165.  #165Dominique on January 27, 2014 at 5:24 am

    Cupcake – I LOVE your story – Cupcake’s Corner – The Tale of Cupcake –

    xxoo



  166.  #166akasha on January 27, 2014 at 7:27 am

    Hello everyone,

    I read your comments every single day. I look through the archives and read even years past.

    Anyways, I just wanted to say, these past few weeks have been so horrible and I have felt so down.. I will tell my story tomorrow if I can get it down into a summary but long story short, you guys make me smile. Especially today. I was feeling so lost and everyones commenct whether big or small do make a difference in the world. You may not even know it, but even if people don’t comment, your words go places and lift hearts.

    Cupcake, your story was so so lovely, that I have a smile on my face for the first time in a week. Thank you 🙂



  167.  #167Indigo on January 27, 2014 at 9:32 am

    You’re welcome Cupcake 🙂

    It was lovely – spent lots of very adoring time with B, had my first interior decorating class… and a couple of guys who have been gone for a while had their energy coming subtlely towards me last night!



  168.  #168Indigo on January 27, 2014 at 9:35 am

    Thank you Veronica 🙂 *hugs*



  169.  #169Cupcake on January 27, 2014 at 10:16 am

    Akasha #166

    I feel honored that my story made you smile. And I am looking forward to reading your story and what’s going on with you.

    This blog is such a welcoming place. Like you, I read it for a long, long time before jumping in with comments. It feels to me like jumping in made a big difference to my experience in my outside-world life.

    It will be fun to have you in the pool with us, splashing about and tossing around the beach ball.

    Come on in! 🙂

    Cupcake



  170.  #170Cupcake on January 27, 2014 at 10:17 am

    New post! See you there!



  171.  #171Senior Lady Vibe on January 27, 2014 at 10:58 am

    @Cupcake

    I bet you looked gorgeous in that dress and jewelry!

    The next time a man sees you and motions you over, you might like to instead gaze at him and wait until he walks over to you. If he doesn’t, you can turn away… 😀

    SLV
    xoxo



  172.  #172Lisa on January 27, 2014 at 11:31 am

    my posts are still not posting…

    not feeling like posting if they don’t go through moderation….and post….

    anyone else having this issue?

    OXOXO



  173.  #173ButterflyEmerging on January 27, 2014 at 4:34 pm

    This is my 1st time writing on this blog but I’ve been studying it and reading a lot of things here. I have used Rori’s CD program, “Reconnect your Relationship”, and I have to say that Rori changed my life! I’ve been doing the work, using the tools. I still have questions and concerns but that’s why i’m here reading the blog and learning all I can 🙂 I need some advice which will be at the bottom of this long post.

    Knowing what I know now, I think that all my past relationships were “imaginary”. I used to have such low self esteem and a strong need to be part of a couple, that i was desperate for love and settled for the wrong guys over and over. In addition to Rori’s programs I also was in therapy, and between those 2 things, I think I emerged a lot stronger and more confident. I’m 48 and for the last 10 months, I have been dating a man who is 5 yrs older than me, who is a widower of 3 yrs. He was married for 20 and really upheld his wedding vows, he says he was faithful to her their whole marriage even though in the end she had a lot of medical problems and they were living as just roommates, and weren’t close for 4 yrs before her death. He has grown children, 2 of them live with him. I’ve never been married but I always dreamed of being married and living happily ever after, but I never figured i’d never find that. Until my “transformation” so to speak. Now I have a lot more confidence and I feel optimistic that I can achieve a long lasting relationship now that I have the tools I need.

    Here’s what’s going on: I went through a breakup that took me a yr and 1/2 to get over. During the breakup I started using Rori’s program and it really helped me see the light and the error of my ways. I started CDing and after a long string of dead ends, I met a guy who didn’t seem like a dead end. T and I had a lot in common, and he seemed more responsible and mature than any of the others I had dated over the past 8 months. I wasn’t sure I felt a connection at first but we had fun so I kept at it. I was completely able to start dating him without being over the top emotional with him. (unlike prior relationships) I think thats because my ex (J) and I stayed friends and I believe he was leading me on at times, and I was still using the connection with him as an outlet for my feelings while being cool calm and collected with T. I am not saying it was healthy, but I do believe that I put up a little wall where T was concerned, but he didn’t seem to notice at first. He seemed to want to keep things casual so I didn’t push. So, I “did me” for a few months, having fun with T, still dated others here and there, and I wasnt jumping ahead. I was living in the moment and taking things slowly, which was not normal for me but i did a great job at it. It was the first relationship where I leaned back and paid attention to my own needs first and lo and behold it worked! He started to chase me a little bit and over the next few months it turned into a relationship. We were spending every wknd together by then and he initiated the “are we dating other people?” talk and we both decided we didn’t want to date anyone else. He knew about my “friendship” with J, but didn’t know the details about how intimately we talked, and I could tell he didn’t approve of it, but I kept it up anyway. I thought it was helping me. I knew that at that point I was supposed to have the exclusivity/commitment/no boyfriend speech with T, but I was just so happy to have made it that far, that I let it keep going slowly, with him taking the lead. Little by little my feelings grew for him and at the same time, my feelings for J started to fade (This was a yr and a half after we had broken up!) I had finally learned to rely less and less on him, and more and more on myself, my friends, and T.

    This man is a totally different kind of man than I have dated before. He’s a gentleman, generous, funny, (we laugh all the time) responsible, hard working, fun loving, affectionate, pays attention to the little things, likes to make me happy, accepts me the way i am, supportive, loyal/faithful, we have great passion, and he’s cooperative. I think these are good and real qualities in a partner. Over the holidays, I started to see/feel him opening up little by little. he just recently told me that he’s falling in love with me 🙂 I feel the same way, but for the first time ever, i haven’t bombarded him with my over emotionalness so i let him be free to come to that conclusion himself. So i feel overcome with emotion that the conclusion he came to is that he feels that way. about ME?! 🙂

    BUT… last night it came up that he’s so glad he doesn’t have to do that juggling/dating thing, (as one of my friends is trying to do) He said he couldn’t see dating more than one woman at once and he couldn’t see how I would be able to do that either, and that if I told him i wanted to date someone else, he would tell me to go date someone else and not him, because he’s a one woman kinda guy and he found what he’s looking for in me. It kinda surprised me but I also decided spur of the moment to make that the time to bring up the “no boyfriend” speech. I hadn’t really rehearsed it and could never see me having that talk but it just came out. I said “well that makes me happy to hear, and the only reason I would start dating other people is if I found that you and I weren’t on the same path, and we’ve never talked about what we want, so I’d like to tell you now, what I want.” I went into the “No boyfriend” speech and when I said “I want to walk off into the sunset and spend the rest of my life married to the love of my life”, he said, “I do too… WELL I dont know about getting married, but when I think of my future, I picture you with me doing all those things.” He painted a picture of what he was looking for in the future which included us living together, AFTER his kids move out (they are 21 and 24, both employed but not ready to leave the nest yet. I stay there from fri nite to mon morning most wknds and they know i’m there, so i dont know why we have to wait such a long/undetermined period of time for that?) And he said, I figure when the kids are gone, we can rent out this big house and get a smaller place near the beach or something. I feel you and I could be happy for the rest of our lives like that. At least that’s how I feel about it now, But as for marriage, I feel that’s something younger people do, to help with financial situations or whatever.” I said “Well, to ME it shows a committment. It tells me and everyone that we are serious about being together forever and I’m not trying to put any pressure on our relationship, I’m just telling you that’s what I’M looking for. i think i shook him up, as Rori would say, but i now feel like what i want isn’t going to happen and I dont know now if I’m settling for less than what I want if I let things develop on their own from here. I’m not sure if I should start CDing now since he said he’d basically not want to date me if I started dating someone else. I feel lost and confused and scared. Before I had this talk, i felt certain that sometime in the future he was going to propose and now I dont know. Maybe he needs some time to let this sink in. He is the type of man who likes hearing my feelings and I can tell he genuinely wants to make me happy. We make each other happy and I just want that to continue. what should I do??



  174.  #174Rori Raye on January 28, 2014 at 10:19 am

    Butterfly – you may not expect this from me – but why are you holding on so hard to the idea of “marriage”? What he said sounded fine for me, and certainly worthy of exclusive boyfriend status for a good trial period. Talk to Dominique about how “living” with a man worked out for her. Perhaps THAT would be on the table for you and be fine.

    Circular Dating, however – NEVER STOPS!!! You don’t have to accept official “dates” to do it – you just have a LIFE where there are other men! You go to meetups and classes, you talk to men, you have coffee with them after class, you go to the opera with them…He’s thinking you’re going to be SLEEPING with them – and you AREN’T!!! Love, Rori



  175.  #175Dominique on January 28, 2014 at 10:51 am

    Butterfly – I too thought I wanted marriage, but then I realized that I had everything I wanted in my man. I had the relationship I had barely dare dream of and then some. So I didn’t have a document. HE was worth more to me than this. And I accepted, embraced even that what we had as being more than good enough.

    And out of the blue, after ten years together he did propose, and we are now married.

    As Rori says above, you don’t have to have actual dates to be cding. I call this cding the world, being open and curious about everyone, men, women, children, animals, Nature, engaging with any and all, flirting eve. It doesn’t have to go farther than this.

    I would love to help you in any way I can. If you click on my name, it will take you to my site – if you’re interested. I’m friends with Rori, and we share freely between us in case you feel concerned.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  176.  #176ButterflyEmerging on January 28, 2014 at 2:25 pm

    Rori #174 and
    Dominique #175

    Thank you so much for your replies. I feel a lot better now that I heard your advice 🙂

    Dominique, I’m inspired by your story as well as Rori’s so I will check out your page. Thank you 🙂

    I think I’m just worried that I’m going to make the same mistakes that I’ve always made and that I’ll end up alone and wishing I had made different choices. I have it in my head that after a certain amount of time (not sure how long that is?) that the marriage card is just off the table and people just settle for less than what they really truly desire. I think what T described as what he wanted for us, sounded REALLY good (more than I really could’ve dreamed of!) but I was just worried that there would be no committment without marriage. I feel a little anxious also that he wants to wait until his grown kids move out, that could take many years, as neither of them have shown any desire to move out. I feel afraid that time is going by so fast and life is so short and we lost a lot of time already, seeing as how we didn’t meet until we were in our late 40s & early 50s! A quote from one of my favorite movies, When Harry met Sally: “When you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible!” I’m just excited and want this to continue 🙂

    Should I should let all this sink in and revisit the time frame at a later date? I dont want to rush him, I want him take the lead on things. So far, it’s been great, I justs need to keep leaning back. I guess I’m scared that I’ll just settle into less than I really want. Maybe I’m just over thinking and need to get out of my head, huh?! 🙂

    Butterfly Emerging



  177.  #177Dominique on January 28, 2014 at 5:54 pm

    Butterfly – There can be plenty of commitment without marriage, and being married doesn’t guarantee commitment.

    Try being more in the moment, moment by moment, allowing things to unfold as they do. You ARE living the rest of your life right now, so enjoy it, all of it. Focus on ALL the things which feel good between you. This is your truth and your reality.

    Worrying about the future and what ifs will never serve you well.

    xxoo



  178.  #178ButterflyEmerging on January 29, 2014 at 7:04 am

    Dominique 177

    thank you again for your reply 😉 know you’re right I need to live more in the moment that’s something that I always struggle with. what you said about commitment is making sense to me I guess I’m just new at all this! thank you I feel better:) I’ll let you know how its going 🙂

    Butterfly Emerging



  179.  #179Eryne on February 2, 2014 at 1:25 pm

    I just love this blog!! All the advice/responses awesome. Motivational!

    I’m curious to what you, Rori & everyone else on here thinks, can a toxic man be healed/changed/saved from his toxicity?? Or are those types forever hopeless?



  180.  #180Dominique on February 2, 2014 at 4:02 pm

    Eryne – Yes anything is possible though every man and every relationship is different, i.e. there are too many variables to say yes it’s possible for every toxic man.

    xxoo



  181.  #181Pam on February 4, 2014 at 8:28 pm

    I have a question about circular dating. How do you do it! I’ve been on an online dating site and have been on lots of first dates and some second dates. I feel if I don’t REALLY like the guy that I’m using him. So I tell them there is no chemistry and end it. How do you date someone that you’re really not into?

    I wondering if there is something about me that I’m not seeing that makes me feel uncomfortable with this? I feel weird that a man might want something from me that I am not able to give. BTW, I have issues with boundaries… not being able to keep them with guys that I like. I’m wondering if this is a boundary issue as well??? I’m feeling scared and guilty of not being able to give these men what they want. What is that about? I’d really love some feedback, thoughts and feelings on this. Thanks!



  182.  #182Andrea on February 4, 2014 at 10:10 pm

    ooohhhh… Pam, this is a good one. I must say first that I’m not a coach at all and do not want to presume to give advice. This is only a point I’ve been able to come to after almost a year with this blog and reading Rori’s e.book. (and saving up for the rest of the books and videos)

    But I definitely used to have the same issue that you describe. I had major holes in my boundaries and I spent more time trying to figure out what the men wanted. It got to the point where I actually thought I knew what men wanted and would try to deliver before there was even any type of request.

    I used to believe that I could tell what they were thinking, feeling, wanting… and I was so wrapped up in what I thought I knew…. that I failed to spend much time on what I wanted, and I failed to ever really listen to the truth about what the men wanted.

    So, I would do the same as you and get all wrapped up in feelings of anxiousness that someone liked me more than I liked him, that he was paying for the date and expected something in return, that it was my duty to protect a man from feeling used by me, that it was wrong to accept anything from a man unless I knew for sure that I could reciprocate feelings that I knew for sure he wanted me to feel…

    Oh my… it was exhausting. After a year now of practicing, reading, feeling, learning, circular dating, listening, and getting to know myself…
    I have come to the conclusion that I was wrong all along. I don’t know what men want unless they specifically tell me in any given moment, that this is what they want in that moment.
    I’ve stopped making it my business what the man wants. I’ve learned that men know exactly how to protect themselves, and they know how to get what they want for themselves.
    I’m not “using” a man, cause I’m not calling a man, or texting him, or contacting him in anyway. He calls me. He asks me out. He makes an offer. It is now my choice if I want to accept the offer or not. All I need to worry about is, What do I want? And can I get that in this moment with this man?
    Maybe I just want a nice dinner out. He calls me and says, “Would you like to go out to dinner?”
    I say, “Wow! Yes, very much so.”
    And we have a nice dinner out. That’s all. It doesn’t mean anything at all. Except a nice dinner. And if he calls me again and says, “Do you want to have sex?” or “Do you want to be in love with me?” or “Do you want to start a relationship?”
    I have the choice to say yes, or no. And if they don’t like my choice, they simply don’t call me anymore.
    If a man feels used, then don’t you think he knows how to protect himself from that? He knows what to do if he feels a woman is using him.

    I now go out and enjoy every moment I have with any man I choose to go out with. I don’t worry about the emotional ties, or his expectations until and unless HE brings them up. And that happened to me. I had dated a man for at least six months and then he said, “Hey, do you want to move this relationship further?” And I said, “No. I don’t have strong romantic feelings for you.”
    And he said, “Ouch.”
    But then, with in a month he was calling me again, asking me out, because he knew we had a great time together. And he’s the one who set the pace and asked if we could call our relationship a friendship then.
    And right now I’m okay with that.

    So, I guess, I would say, stay out of their business. What they want, is their business. And concentrate on what YOU want… and live in the moment. What do you want in the moment. Stop worrying about “is this the future man of my dreams.” : ) I hope this helps a little bit.

    We aren’t coercing men to be anything other than what they are, to do anything other than what they do, and then we get to choose… What is it that we like?



  183.  #183Shannon on February 5, 2014 at 4:46 am

    Andrea said that so beautifully!

    I would also like to add that this is connected to your self esteem.

    Pam, sweety, you are amazing! Just getting a chance with you, even just being on a date with you, is going to raise the man’s self esteem! You’re the prize.

    If you had the chance to go out on a date with your absolute favorite celebrity man… would you go? Even if it didn’t have a chance of “going somewhere”?

    Well, you are that! You are that amazing woman that he’s fortunate to spend time with, even if in the end it doesn’t go anywhere! You’re a prize, and just knowing that he had your attention for that long elevates him and helps him step more fully into his own light. “Maybe we didn’t end up getting married or anything, but yeah… I know her. I dated her a few times, she’s amazing!”

    The best way to overcome this is to realize that being around a woman who lets him experience his heart for a while is a great gift TO HIM, even if you don’t end up “giving him what [maybe he thinks] he wants”. What you’re REALLY giving him is a few hours to just really touch that part of himself that he doesn’t get to experience–his heart.

    When you’re authentically you with him, you really are giving him something precious. You’re giving him you, and by extension, you’re giving him a safe place to be authentically him, even if only for a little while.

    So stop thinking in terms of what you think he wants, and start thinking in terms of what you CAN give that EVERY human being wants [even if they don’t know it]… time to just be himself and time to be HEARD by someone and time to feel and be in his heart for a while.



  184.  #184Pam on February 8, 2014 at 6:42 pm

    Hi Andrea! Wow, thank you for taking the time to write to me. I read you comments and cried. 🙂 It was a release kind of cry. Good stuff you’ve got there.

    The more I’ve thought about this man and dates we had, I realized that it came down to my weak boundaries. It was our second date. We had dinner and I was enjoying our time together. Dinner ended and I felt like I wanted to go home and told him so. He said let’s go get coffee. I didn’t want to, but guess what? I went. After, he walked me to my car and started kissing me. I didn’t want to make out with him but I did. Then I stopped it and said good night. He said I’m not letting you go yet and went in for more kissing. And I let him though I didn’t feel like it.

    That night and the next day, I felt uneasy about him. So I emailed him and ended it.

    When I thought about it further, I realized it was me. It might seem like a small thing, but I did not stand in my power and hold firm to my boundaries. He was just doing what he does. Maybe if I had stood for what I feel, I’d still be seeing him? I don’t know. But I’m glad I got the opportunity to see my weak boundaries in action! It’s exciting to me that I am seeing this and am looking forward to practicing boundaries with the next man!

    Thanks for your encouragement Andrea and Shannon!



  185.  #185Shannon on February 8, 2014 at 7:29 pm

    Pam, I certainly agree. I have weak boundaries, also.

    Though awareness, as they say, is the first step. 🙂

    I’m getting better at it. I’m going to go to breakfast with a CD tomorrow. I found the courage to tell him that I didn’t want to drive 40 minutes to meet him somewhere. He said he’d come here, so that was a step forward.

    This is what CDing is all about. Free therapy for our weak boundaries, lol.



  186.  #186Annie on February 19, 2014 at 11:28 am

    Would really want to read more stories like this one. Nice work Cupcake.



  187.  #187Lexie on February 19, 2014 at 6:16 pm

    Rori,

    When is it okay to start texting a guy? I’ve always been confused about this. In the beginning he would be setting up dates and what not but when is it okay to text him so its not only him texting/communicating. Would it be after a couple of dates for example?

    Would really appreciate your advice! I have learned so much already from you. Thank you!!

    Lexie



  188.  #188Rori Raye on February 19, 2014 at 8:08 pm

    Lexie! – Simple – you NEVER, EVER text him, unless you are RESPONDING to a text HE sent. Period. I don’t even text my husband unless I’m answering him. If you’re looking for rules…use this one. You RESPOND. AND you respond in a VERY specific way…you use Feeling Messages and Poetry, and share something from what you’re experiencing around you…if you’d like help – try one of my Certified Coaches – they’re great at Scripting and Texting. Love, Rori



  189.  #189kris on February 26, 2014 at 6:02 pm

    ok…i see that I’m now getting the posts.
    weird….



  190.  #190Breakup help on March 13, 2014 at 8:36 pm

    That night and the next day, I felt uneasy about him. So I emailed him and ended it.



  191.  #191Mary on March 16, 2014 at 9:07 am

    Dear all,

    Tina, your story sounds so familiar to me!! How are you doing now?
    I have also been very impressed with Carol Allen´s story.

    I started to date a wonderful man 8 months ago. He came in a time that I had actually given up on love (because of a previous experience), but he told me I should not give up on my dreams and that life still had many beautiful things in store for me.
    We started dating, it was al very romantic and fine. He soon moved in with me, which was a bit too soon for me (I guess I should have clearly set my boundaries there), but I liked his company and our living together was very peaceful and lovely for these 7-8 months.
    I was not the most exciting girlfriend around at that time, because I was very low on energy because of things I had lived during the previous two years (my sister´s suicide attempt as well as a business experience that went completely wrong), but he was very understanding with me, never asked me for more than I could give and never criticized me (I have criticized him!)
    He did not have a job, nor an income (for when he left his former wife in whose company he worked, he also lost his job), so while he was at the same time looking for a job, he did everything in the house: cooking, cleaning, fixing…. I did not need to do anyting anymore. The month that I was ill with a upperarm tendonitis he took very well care of me.
    Sounds all very good….

    But ultimately we started to quarrel, and quite regularly, many times about small things, but also because of my insecurities and lack of confidence in relationships. I know that I have said things to him that really hurt him and then I always wanted to talk it over at the very moment it happened (sometimes) late at night, where he would ask me to talk about it at a different moment…
    Our forelast quarrel was on Sunday evening. I made him see that it was because of my lack of faith and on Monday he sent me this lovely whatsapp with a song saying “I am a one woman´s guy” and an I love you. Which I liked very much (and I told him so). He said he had found a way in which we could better understand each other and I said “I am all ears, but not today for I have had a hard day at work.”

    On Wednesday I was going to take him to Tenerife (as a present for his birthday; we live on the Canaries). I had organized (and paid) everything: boat, rentacar, lovely restaurant for lunch. But he had left his residence permit in a friend´s car, so he got up extra early that day for he was gonna meet his friends´ wife who would give it to him. But the bus came late and he missed out on her, and came back very bad tempered. He tried to call me but I had
    my cell phone on silence and there was some confusion on where we had agreed to meet up, so the atmosphere was very bad to start off the excursion. So, when I saw his lost call and message I inmediately called him and he was bad tempered and I got bad tempered, so he said he was not gonna come. I convinced him to come (not in the friendliest way, I must say) and he came and said that we would talk it over later. We got our boardings cards (Passport was ok, no need for resi) and while we walked to the boat I started the subject again (not the best idea, I should have waited I guess). So, there he said for the second time that he was not gonna come.
    As I had been looking soo much forward to our day out, and has spent energy, time and money on it, I got so very, very mad there that I shouted at him: “If you let me down here, you can get your stuff out of my house and leave.”I also yelled at him that I hated him for what he was doing to me.

    And he left and called a friend to help him move out. The friend tried to calm things down between us, said that we should talk, but he does not want to talk to me.

    What do I do?

    I must say I felt horrible when he let me standing there at the very steps that led to the boat, I really felt let down, but to tell you the truth, for me this does not need to be the end of the relationship. For, he has always been an excellent partner for me, has always taken very well care of me, and maybe we have just been under some stress ultimately (issues going on in his life and in my life) and just need to find a way to communicate better.
    I know I have not been an angel either and that I have said things to him that have hurt him.
    I have worked with your e-book, dear Rori, but think that I have not learned the lessons well and/or should exercise more. Could you recommend me another of your programmes, please? For my particular “case”. I love the above mentioned bootcamp, by the way.

    You know, I have been thinking that the fact that all my relationships go wrong cannot be because they are the only ones to blame or that I pick men who do not really “suit” me , or who are “weak” (as some friends suggest). I think there are things I do wrong there myself (I recognized myself in both Tina and Carol´s stories).

    I would love to send him an e-mail to apologize for the responsibility I have had in all this. Do you think this would be a good idea? Or just leave things as they are and move on?
    One friend of mine says I should not think that I am to blame and that he acted in a childish way, and that I should wait for his call. Another friend says there is no harm in writing him and taking responsibility of my own actions in order to open up a dialogue…

    What do you think?

    Lots of love, Mary



  192.  #192Linda on March 16, 2014 at 10:21 am

    Mary.. I too have recently experienced a relationship that causes very familiar feelings to arise in me. While all the details are not the same. There was a very similar dynamic.

    In my case, there was no question that I should take full responsibility for the things that I brought to the relationship that caused discord. I did but without expectation of outcome or for the purpose of accomplishing an agenda. I did so for the soul purpose that it was what my heart and conscious required. I would want to be treated with the same regard and respect as a person with or without the strings of romantic aspirations. I did find it absolutely the right thing for me to do. Romantic reconciliation was not my purpose… it was so that I could be what I refer to as “rightly related” to another .

    THere were many hurtful things said in my case, but they did not come from my lips and found myself feeling closed up and emotionally unsafe in the relationship. Not a place where I could thrive only survive.

    Perhaps this may help you get in touch with what your heart has to say about this whole matter.



  193.  #193Mary on March 16, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    Dear Linda,
    Thanks for sharing your experience. I think I am gonna follow your example. Without any specific goal, just in order to apologize for my part in it and “clear the air”.
    I am sorry that you did not get a positive response from your ex. Maybe it is too soon for him and he is still resentful. Different people have different rhythms.
    I hope that one day he will be able to say to you “thanks for sharing this with me”, for I feel you have been brave by admitting your errors and it shows the big level of humanity you have.
    Big hug to you.



  194.  #194Femininewoman on March 16, 2014 at 1:32 pm

    Mary I felt sad reading about what you said to him. You basically cut his balls off and humiliated him in public by yelling at him like that. Telling him that he will have to move out of YOUR house must have been very emasculating. Not romantic. It was an ultimatum that any man worth his salt would likely respond the same way he did. Sorry if my words are not encouraging but that is how I see that incident. Men have egos and most men’s egos won’t allow a woman to trample over him like that. I know men who would rather live on the streets than have a woman talk to them like that.



  195.  #195Mary on March 16, 2014 at 2:43 pm

    Dear Femininewoman,
    No worries, I appreciate your honesty and point of view. It makes me understand his reaction better.
    I know it was not nice at all what I said to him there, and that my reaction was one of being totally upset, but – and I do not wish to use this as an excuse for what I said – I would like to have your opinion too on him letting me stand there for the second time the same morning.
    I convinced him once of coming with me on the trip I organized for him as a birthday gift. When he said for the second time that morning at the very steps to the vessel that he would not come along, I was not capable of calming him down any more. Nor of calming myself down.
    I felt that the things that had happened that morning (with his resi and the confusion about where we would meet) were not my fault, and they dampened my day out too, that I had planned looking forward to it with so much joy. I could not see myself coming back home that night asking him “honey, how was your day?”
    Something I did not tell before is that sometimes when we quarrelled he would menace or even make an attempt to leave. I would calm him down there and manage to do that, but it left me with a bad feeling. So, maybe there is also the matter here of me not having been honest at all times about my feelings and/or set my boundaries. Although I also admit that when there was a problem I did not check with him if the time was right for him to talk about it. I would sort of “force him into it”.
    Again, I am not saying this as an excuse for my reaction, which was very strong. But I hope that you understand too how horrible I felt at that moment…
    Sorry, but I just was not capable there of reacting in a calm way….
    Love, Mary



  196.  #196Shannon P. on March 16, 2014 at 2:57 pm

    Mary, I hope you’ll forgive me butting in here.

    The problem is the whole trip from the beginning. A man wants to be the one to plan a trip… but when you planned a trip, you reminded him that he couldn’t afford it.

    He worked very hard to “pull his weight” by cleaning up and taking care of you in another way… but he’s a man. It’s NEVER, for a moment, a heartbeat away from his mind that he’s not providing for you–and no matter how much he did, he was being provided for.

    Then you planned a trip he would want to plan for YOU… and pretty much just rubbed his nose in the fact that he couldn’t afford to do that for you.

    I would really like to see you get Rori’s “Reconnect Your Relationship” program. Go radio silence for the time being. Get that program. Knuckle down into it. Listen to it, and especially the parts about leaning back… stop doing… don’t overfunction.

    What I’ve not seen you do even once is say, “I realize now that the whole trip was overfunctioning”.

    You need to realize that YOU were looking forward to it. YOU had the expectation that he should go and he should make you happy by being happy–even if he felt like sh** because his nose was being rubbed in his inability to provide you with a trip.

    What you see yourself doing is giving him something fab… what he saw you doing was reminding him that he’s not able to REALLY give you the things you want.

    Do you understand? Do you see how it all just got that much worse by what you said? First you planned a trip he couldn’t afford and then you told him to get out of YOUR house.

    Everything screamed “You can’t provide for me! You’re the girl in this relationship!”

    Ouch. Very deeply ouch.



  197.  #197Mary on March 16, 2014 at 3:55 pm

    Dear Shannon P.,
    You are more than welcome, I apreciate all the feedback I get here!
    I totally understand your point of view, and thank you for your suggestion to start with the reconnecting your relationship programme.

    I know that men like to nurture and understand that he must have felt overwhelmed by this trip (very good explanation you gave on it, thanks for that), but … we live in one of the areas that has been highest struck by unemploment in Europe, almost 35% of the active population is unemployed here. There is nothing out here, no opportunities, and people are just happy if they can maintain their Jobs.
    My partner (well, ex partner now) has been unemployed for more than one year. We both live as forigners here, and then it is even more difficult to find something…
    Now, what do you do in a situation like this? It was a birthday present (a one day excursion, no hotel stay). Should I have come up with something different in your opinion? Like inviting some friends of his to come to our house?
    I thought he was comfortable with it, for he postponed his trip back to his home country for it (he left today). But well, maybe you are right and he just wanted to be polite here…

    Should I even have waited before letting him move in with me? For, when he moved in we both knew that he had no income. And actually the idea of moving in was more his tan mine.

    You know, dating becomes a bit difficult under these circumstances. I mean, how do you handle this whole thing of the male energy and the female energy if the male part is economically dependent on the female part? I am very aware that men feel very uncomfortable with that and I must say that I have myself felt uncomfortable with that too sometimes. And please don´t think that I am making a lot of money or living in luxuries, for I am not. I pay a mortgage and am paying off a debt I have.
    So, what do you do when you are dating a man who has no income? Never go out for a drink or to the movies? Always stay in? I am 100% sure that he was the one who wanted to provide for me, but… what do you do when the circumstances are different?

    Don´t get me wrong, I am not trying to find any excuses for my behaviour and once again, I found your explanation of the situation very striking. But, I must say that I have found it very hard too at times to handle this situation. And perhaps I have not been good at it. I found it hard when we would go out for a drink, to the movies, at Christmas… (Christmas present or not?), etc.

    Something else I would like to ask you bloggers if you think there is any chance that this relationship could be rebuilt…. Or has too much damage been done already?

    Love, Mary



  198.  #198Shannon P. on March 16, 2014 at 4:16 pm

    Okay, so my answer is that you have to focus hard on outgirling him. In essence, whether his fault or not (and obviously it is not!), he is in a more feminine position of being provided for.

    The moving in thing doesn’t matter. You’re really focused on that and it doesn’t really matter. There isn’t any reason for him not to live with you if he felt ready and willing.

    What it’s about is you bending over backwards to RECEIVE. Let him give you foot massages. When you feel tired, say so… and let him do for you. When you feel stressed, let him do for you.

    This is the secret all the way around… offer him some cash around YOUR birthday. Say, “I really want to take a trip, but I don’t know what I can afford. I need your help. Can you please figure out my birthday trip for me?” Now… it’s your money, but now suddenly HE is doing for YOU.

    The greatest gifts you can give to the man in your life in a situation like this is to find a way to make it so that he’s doing for you. HE is setting up the trip within the budget…

    On his birthday, again… say, “Here, honey. I want to go out for your birthday, but I feel so overworked and stressed out. Could you find something wonderful for us to do together?” Offer him the amount of cash you have budgeted and let him take care of the rest. Then it feels again like him doing for you… and THAT is his b-day present.

    Any evening you’re going to be going out together, give him the budgeted money and let others see him paying… and let him choose where you guys go… “I don’t know where I want to go. In fact, I feel stressed and don’t want to think about it. Where do you think would be good?”

    Give him the opportunity to DO for you.

    As far as whether or not it’s over, that’s hard to say. That’s really his choice. He’ll contact you or he won’t. If he does, be open. Apologize, and then ask for him to help you with something. Give him a chance to feel manly again.

    That’s my suggestion, personally. Your mileage may vary!



  199.  #199Linda on March 16, 2014 at 4:27 pm

    Mary you are in a good place to learn and grow in this community.

    As for my relationship…. it ultimately was not one that I wanted to be in.



  200.  #200Mary on March 16, 2014 at 4:54 pm

    Dear Shannon P.,

    I really apreciate the time you, Linda and Femininewoman, have taken to read my story and answer to it!
    And I love the suggestions you are giving me in your last post.

    There is only one point where my opinion diverse from yours (and I hope you don´t mind me saying this): ok, it is not his fault that he is/was the girly part in our relationship, but sorry ….. I think it is not my fault either. But I think your point here is that I can make him stop FEELING the girly part in the relationship, and I really love the suggestions you have given to handle the situation!!!

    As what your last remark/suggestion is concerned, I was thinking of apologizing to him for the things I said and did that have made him feel bad, and to ask him if he wants to help me teaching me how I could communicate better with him.

    Linda, sorry to hear this, but it was for the better then. I hope you will soon find what you want!

    xxx to all



  201.  #201Shannon P. on March 16, 2014 at 5:01 pm

    I meant it wasn’t his fault because it’s the economy there. Not that it was yours (nor his). It’s life right now. Unemployment is the issue, not you or him. I’m sorry it sounded like I meant you versus him… I was referencing the economy.

    Let Rori teach you how to converse with him. Instead, ask him for some help around the house. “I really want to move the big sofa in the living room, but I’m afraid it’s too heavy for me.” But it should be something you DO actually want to do, and DO actually need help with.

    Asking him for help in how to communicate with him is counter-productive. He’ll tell you what he THINKS he wants… but he doesn’t actually know (even if he thinks he does). Rori’s programs are to help you communicate, not him.

    Ask him for “man help”. But do it according to Rori’s rules… where in you state what you want, and he can step up and help or not… and accept HIS WAY of helping. Don’t tell him how to help. He might help by sending his buddy to move the sofa (as an example). That’s HIM fixing it in HIS way. Which is what you’re looking for.

    Don’t ask him for help with the relationship right now. He thinks he’s over it. Don’t ask for him to come back. Don’t “talk about it”. Simply apologize, and then move on… according to Rori’s principles.

    That’s your first thing, though. Read and reread and re-reread Rori’s ebook. Get the program Reconnecting. Then say everything in feeling messages as Rori teaches. Lean way back according to Rori’s teachings.

    I’m wish you all the best of luck. He sounds like a guy who’s very capable of stepping up, and it sounds like he loves you. I hope it all works out, and all for the best (whether that means together again or separately).



  202.  #202Mary on March 16, 2014 at 5:12 pm

    Thanks again for all your advice, dear Shannon. Big kiss for you from overseas.