Have It All Interview With Coach Carrie Stanfield

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Carrie Stanfield is not only a very great coach, she’s a very unusual woman –  a true, unique “Type B.” easygoing woman.

She doesn’t have to even think about “going feminine” – it’s her natural state.

And still, she works. Just like the rest of us. And she’s an entrepreneur, a wife –  a busy person.

In this interview, learn how Carrie does it all without ever leaving her feminine energy, and what she does to help nurture that in herself:


Interview With Carrie Stanfield

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Femininewoman on April 8, 2016 at 5:43 am

    Wow!! Doesn’t even have to think.

    That’s an aha moment for me.

  2.  #2Mandy on April 8, 2016 at 9:26 am

    I should give myself some credit for being a good learner, after I practice tools enough, they become an automatic reaction for me. I even changed my attraction pattern a bit and some of my own behavior.

    Today is a bit trying, I am on my period and this one’s a doozy, I am all over the place emotionally, very vulnerable to being upset and my irrational fears are gnawing at me. I’m intending to choose to stop and smell the roses, you know…

    I had a panic attack the other day and it was the odest thing…instead of getting angry as usual, I just went out the front door and closed it and quietly cried it out. It was very relieving. I was just shocked because usually I get mad…I’m not used to crying it out, but it felt very feminine.

    I have to go to my Psychiatrist appointment now. I’m not sure what to talk about at this appointment, but gotta go.

    Here’s to intending on having a good day….

  3.  #3Liquid Light on April 8, 2016 at 3:42 pm

    wow awesome interview! thanks Rori and Carrie!

  4.  #4MissStix on April 8, 2016 at 3:44 pm

    I am type b naturally…Perhaps having very little decision making ability makes it difficult for me to be type A. Yet I do get things done at work. Like a boss. And people come to me for direction…which i’m just now realizing is more likely because they feed off my confidence. Usually I say something along the lines of “I already did a, b and c. You could do x, y, or z. It’s up to you.” These are my peers asking for direction…I am not the boss lol
    I think type b can be highly professional, productive, have it on lockdown. I believe type b can do it with a unique finesse because we derive the “go get em” attitude from an emotional place. Or that’s what I do anyways. I have to really care about what I do. It has to come from a place of meaning inside me and it takes a constant awareness of my vibe to keep it up.

    When I am at home…that’s another story lol
    Bf wants to get me t-shirts that say “I don’t care” “sure!” “I don’t know” and “i’m cool with whatever” lol then i can just point at the tshirt and i’d never have to say anything at all.

    I’m seeing now how this pertains to things i’ve felt lately within my relationship. I don’t want to have to think and make decisions and i’m feeling turned off by lack of leadership from my partner.
    I’m turning MYSELF off to him because I don’t believe he ever can be the strong leader I need to feel safe committing myself. And I feel guilty because I think i’m being unfair, giving up on a good person, accepting affection, love and attention from a good man when my heart feels out of it. I feel anxiety when I know he’ll be arriving home.
    I still feel uneasy yet i’m accepting where i’m at.

  5.  #5LoveToMe on April 8, 2016 at 6:55 pm

    I put a few comments on the of thread before coming here. But I did a thing.

    I knew I might regret it. I knew it might be information that I didn’t want to have.

    I looked at his Facebook. And I saw that he had deleted me as a friend. Now, this could be because he doesn’t want to see what I’m up to. He did not block me completely. But we are no longer “friends” anymore.

    And that opened up the flood of my emotions again. I felt that loss, sadness and disappointment all freshly. And confusion. How can a man go from being “all over me,” talking about how much he liked me – to this? When I was there visiting him, he called me his “happy drug.” Once, when we were lying on his bed and he had his head on my shoulder and his dog next to us, he described it as “paradise.” He said all these big, flowery things. He waxed poetic about how great the sex was. And the night before things got weird, he said he missed me and that I should come “home” (I.e. to him).

    Now this.

    I could understand if he needs a break, to walk away. But to block my phone, to delete my Facebook. This cutting me out completely, whereas one moment sooner, I had been a wonderful person to him.

    You can’t say the wrong thing to the right guy. You can’t say the right thing to the wrong guy. He’s the wrong guy.

    I just don’t WANT him to be wrong. I want him to be right. I want him to win.

    But I had to also own my part in the situation. I realized whether it was that one message or something else, I had done something to hurt him. And that feels as horrible to me as anything else. So I thought about it for a long time. And finally I decided to call him. I knew he wouldn’t answer – I would have been surprised if he did. So I left a message. I started by apologizing, and the tears started to flow. I found myself crying softly as I left my words on his voice mail.

    I don’t know if he will ever listen. But as I called, I felt my heart settle into a new kind of peace. It still hurts. It hurts deeply. But it is part of my moving on, I guess. I ended with a feeling message, expressing, saying I was sad because I had lost a friend. And that is the truth of my heart.

    I don’t have to be afraid of this feeling (though I am, a bit).

    I just have to feel this stretching and let my heart open wider for the next person.

  6.  #6LoveToMe on April 8, 2016 at 11:54 pm

    Do you know what kills me about this guy? (Sorry that I’m going on and on about him. This whole thing has just thrown me more than I could have expected.) He was my friend.

    But he was also slowly CD-ing me, for a loooong time. Maybe that entire time. Circling around me. Maybe waiting for me to catch up to where he was. Maybe waiting to get the courage to do or say something. Maybe neither of those things.

    But anyway, he was my “sure shot.” My fall-back plan. Being the “nice Jewish guy,” as he called himself, he wasn’t the usual type I’ve been dating. And being my “friend,” he was always there. Checking in on me. Calling me.

    In fact, right before I went out there, he had been calling me a lot. And I had been flirting with another guy. Maybe he understood this, though I didn’t tell him, and felt some urgency. Idk.

    It’s just…I thought I could NEVER say the wrong thing with him. It felt like there was no way I could mess that up. He knew about all my messy “stuff.” He had seen me in a bad way before and was fine. He knew about my “triggers.” So I relaxed. I didn’t try to put on a front or pretend anything. And then this.

    Blindsided. Just completely out of nowhere.

    Thinking about it feels awful, so I try not to think about it. But how am I supposed to do that completely, when the feeling is with me all the time?

    I don’t understand this. And even when I do, it doesn’t totally make sense. There is something missing in the picture of what is known to me

  7.  #7LoveToMe on April 8, 2016 at 11:55 pm


  8.  #8LoveToMe on April 9, 2016 at 12:06 am

    Indigo – I see your point about clothing (from the lady threats). But that’s exactly it. I *did* use humor. And so what? Of course he wasn’t trying to offend me. But he DID.

    And instead of making any mention of that, he completely shut down our entire conversation, our entire relationship, citing my “triggers,” which this wasn’t one, and walked off into the sunset. Bye. Sionara. That’s IT.

    Nothing no recourse. No response. Nada.

    It’s….maddening, to say the least.

    From someone who did not know me well, sure. But from someone who knew me as well as he did, for as long as he did…well it just feels cruel and intentionally harsh. Excessive to the situation – which is the very thing that he accused me of doing and being.

    I want to hide my anger. But if I was annoyed before by what he said, I am now livid. I would never have expected this kind of behavior from him. He puts himself out there as this compassionate guy.

    But he’s not

  9.  #9LoveToMe on April 9, 2016 at 12:08 am

    Lady threats – haha! *last thread* Mandy. ; )

  10.  #10Indigo on April 9, 2016 at 12:41 am

    Love To Me #8,

    I understand. It’s happened to me too.

    And with time I got to see that these were never the right guys for me. Which is what I said to you on the last thread. No need for regret.

    I only said what I said to be helpful to you if and when the *right* guy comes along.

    For example, the beyond wonderful man I am with now is so sensitive and compassionate to my feelings, but it’s early days and even him I can feel how tenderly he would take it if I said anything critical. So I let stuff go as much as possible and I can feel how good it makes things between us.

    The right guy won’t shut down. Of that I am convinced.

    For example, my guy had to work last night (we both have had a week from hell). The ruggedly masculine guys I’ve dated in the past would have just gone radio silence on me when this happened. But he took the time to phone me just before I went off to sleep and have a lengthy conversation with me and and and… there were so many things he said which just showed how available he is and made me melt. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. To have a man who would talk to me and apologise rather than shutting down and blaming me.

  11.  #11LoveToMe on April 9, 2016 at 1:39 am

    I have been distracting myself with Facebook. I haven’t gotten back to sleep after my neighbors upstairs made too much noise at 3 am. Last night I was awoken by a person screaming very loudly outside my window – it was for my neighbors. Maybe I need to move apartments..

  12.  #12LoveToMe on April 9, 2016 at 1:42 am

    Aw, Indigo. That sounds so nice. That’s what I want, too…

    It is disillusioning. To have someone I thought so well of to turn out to be so different. And I ignored all the signs that were there. Maybe even willfully so.

    Like someone said, when you are wearing rose-colored glasses, red flags just look like flags…

  13.  #13Indigo on April 9, 2016 at 2:41 am

    Love To Me 12,

    Yes I know. It’s happened to me too.

    And if I didn’t look for the lessons in them, those things I could take away which would take me to higher ground and lead me to better and better situations in future, it would all just seem like senseless pain.

  14.  #14BeLoved on April 9, 2016 at 3:18 am

    The past couple of days have been really weird with LankyCD. We had a conversation where I turned down an invitation to “hang out”, and told him that when his divorce is final and he has all of that sorted out then yes, please ask me out again.
    I felt hopeful because he had said he was trying to figure out how he could do all of that and make it work, shared his thoughts about it, and at the same time, I was looking at the facts…and how there really hasn’t been much action. He talked about stuff we could do this summer and how he didn’t want to lose me. I had to remind myself that this is only information, he is only saying what he wants and without action, it doesn’t really mean anything.

    So, having felt strong and resolved, I deleted him from FB, Tinder, and my phone. Well, I felt totally surprised when I got a text from him the next day asking for something. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with it, and he asked if I wanted to talk about it and I said I would love to hear from him but I didn’t really want to discuss the thing because it was how I felt and that’s all there really was to it.

    He called, and I got sucked into explaining just a little bit, until I felt how bad it felt and pulled back, saying, I feel uncomfortable with it and it’s ok with me if you don’t understand why, it’s how I feel is all.

    Then we talked for a LONG time and he gave me a LOT more information about where he stood with his divorce and his whole situation. He said he didn’t think I could handle it, I didn’t argue, I was thinking WHY WOULD I WANT TO?

    So, here’s where it feels weird. For some reason, after that conversation, I started feeling like, this guy is going to stick around. So I friended him again on FB, and he asked me about it. I told him I kept thinking he was going to disappear, but he kept not disappearing and he said, “So you disappear first?”
    I felt speechless, and finally just said, “Busted”.

    And that mofo had the nerve to say, “That wasn’t very honorable.” Which I took as a joke at the time, but as of this morning, 2 days later, he hasn’t accepted the request so I canceled it and remembered WHY I had unfriended him in the first place.


    All day yesterday, I had this feeling like, this is going to work out, I will keep seeing and talking to him, keep CDing, once I finish my move I will get the Finding the One Online program and step up my online dating game, and that will probably not even leave room for LankyCD in the picture.

    Fortunately I was busy all day but I still felt challenged to keep my mind off of him. Until I got home and it suddenly occurred to me, THIS IS OVER, Beloved. *I* turned down his invitation, *I* said I didn’t want to be anybody’s mistress, *I* decided. There is no “going to keep seeing him” happening, no “he’s going to figure out a way to make this work”, none of that because I decided. And somehow I forgot all of that in the space of a day?

    I do not understand myself sometimes.
    I want to be super gentle and loving with myself right now, though. Wrap myself in a sparkling pink babysoft cocoon of compassion.

  15.  #15LoveToMe on April 9, 2016 at 5:32 am

    What frustrates me right now: it’s an easy solution to his complaint. All we have to do is not have sex. When I have sex, that’s when my triggers come up. In addition to those, I also have the problem of anger and disgust, which is how I feel, directed toward them. I was fine before we had sex. I’ll be fine with him as long as we are not having sex. It takes the pressure off me. And honestly, I don’t even want any of that with him now. I just feel him throwing the baby (me) out with the bath water (triggers and whatnot). And that feels awful.

    Why would he have to walk away completely like that? Why not just say “let’s not have a relationship”? I don’t get it

  16.  #16LoveToMe on April 9, 2016 at 5:40 am

    I guess there are some lessons here. I’ve been over them a million times in my head. And when I’ve moved through them, I am left with more pain. It feels awful : (

    One thing that helps is thinking of all his bad habits and qualities that I did not like so much. But then I’m thinking – if I could look past those things, why can’t he look past my stuff? Why this awful extraction?

    And it’s just worse than I thought.

    It doesn’t make sense, ladies. It just DOESNT MAKE SENSE

    I am trying to make sense out of it, but in a way, there isn’t any. And I’m not right there. I can’t have closure, see his or use my own body language.

    That is what I HATE about texting. Most of my good ways of communicating are cut off. And, I will often say things by text that I would say totally differently in person. It has gotten me into trouble before.

    I not sleeping well at night now.

    I am going to go watch Grey’s anatomy

  17.  #17Zara on April 9, 2016 at 7:11 am


    This man and you do not understand each other. And his reaction to your reaction was to block your phone number. A woman can create nothing with a man who can not talk. You are punishing you here, you are not trying to experience intimacy.

    Anyway, here is what I read in your post. I am sharing it, in case it could be useful in your next experience with a new man, supposing this next man can talk. You can’t do a thing if he can not talk but if he can, then you can co create a connection choosing your words.

    283 LoveToMe said:
    ***** Anyway. I had also bought this new bra, which I looked at, as I was getting changed, and I felt so sexy wearing it. And – maybe this was my “real” mistake – I texted him about the bra, too. No photo. I just mentioned that it made me feel sexy.
    But his comment back to me was weird. It wasn’t “oh, don’t tell me that,” or “I want to see it” – which would be normal guy responses, I would think. He said, “what, you’ve never worn [xyz kind of] bra before?” (Because it was a new type I had never tried.) It threw me off. I didn’t know why he was focusing on *that.* I didn’t feel it was relevant, and also that it really wasn’t any of his business, beating what I had already told him. Already, he had seemed kind of stand-offish. And this one comment made me feel separate from him, not close.
    I responded that I didn’t really understand or appreciate his comments about my bras, and to please not make suggestions about what or how I am supposed to wear them, and if he wants to wear them himself, he can “get his own d*mn bras.”*****

    I can understand the feeling but he can’t because he is not reading your post. He needed to hear about this feeling you had in that moment in order to understand where you were coming from.
    “Ouch! I feel unseen.”
    And if he had gone on with technical comments while you were dying for compliments :”I feel disconnected. This technical talk threw me off. I am feeling turning off now. I don’t want to feel turned off with you”.
    This way, you speak of yourself only and thus it can address a straight masculine man clumsy comments, as well as it can address a cross-dresser unaware that he is robbing the show from you.

    If we want to be much closer to what you really said, it would sound like that : “I feel disconnected. This technical talk about bras threw me off. It feels girly. I want to be the girl here. I am feeling turning off now. I don’t want to feel turned off with you”.
    As a masculine straight man, the part about him having a girly talk would disconnect him anyway, he might feel judged, but the absence of agresiveness in the sentence and the sharing of YOUR feelings have more chances to keep the dialogue opened.
    As a crosse-dresser in the hide, the same part about “girly talk” would trigger him for other reasons, but the absence of finger pointing and the sharing of your feelings have more chances of keeping the dialogue opened.

    ***** I was genuinely offended, but I was also trying to use humor to diffuse the situation. *****

    When humour triggers people, it’s because it’s pointing at unspoken truths or unspoken desires. (Either his unspoken desire of being a cross-dresser or your unconscious fear he might be a cross-dresser)

    Feeling offended comes from a judgmental thought. It implies he did something on purpose to hurt your feelings. Or it implies you consider something was due to you and was not given. It works better if you see him as doing his own things for his own reasons with no intention to hurt you. You do feel painful to not be the focus, or depleted may be, disconnected even, but offended is a construct of the judgmental mind and meets a wall rather than compassion from the other party.

    ***** Up until that point, we had been having a really fun, connected conversation. Then it flipped, 180. He said that he could not handle my “triggers” (I wasn’t triggered, I was offended), that he didn’t want to have to “defend his boundaries against me” (I thought I was defending my boundaries), and that if he ever contacted me again, it would not be for a very long time *****

    2 opposite readings possible here:

    a) It reads like this man projected on you. He felt triggered by the suggestion he could be a cross-dresser (does he unconsciously want to be one, or is he secretly one?) and this being too heavy for him to own, he projected on you the feeling of being triggered and said you were triggered.
    As for the boundaries comment, it would not be a projection but his truth, he felt he has to withdraw to make sure his secret desire would not be put out under the sun light in front of his eyes again. It blinds him. He builds a “screen” “block” between his eyes and the brightness of his hidden side => he blocks you from his screen. (He sees you as the holder of his trigger, the one revealing his blinding secret on his screen).

    b) It also reads as the opposite. As a masculine straight man, he felt disconnected by your suggestion that he could be a cross-dresser. That totally turned him off. And he screen blocked you from his reality for the obvious reason that you project a false image of him onto the world.
    And anyway, letting alone the cross-dresser suggestion, he felt disconnected by the gap between each your understanding of the male/female dance. A masculine straight man can be very curious about these magical tools that hold these magical boobies he so dreams of. It’s as simple as a legitimate curiosity and interest for a very important and convoited sexual tool: the boobies holders. 🙂 Check the prices of bras around the world and check how men adore counseling/offering underwears to their lovers.
    As for his boundaries comment, yes he has the right to say what he wants to say (we all have this right, as long as we are wiling to pay the price) and you getting triggered on his comments is pushing against his boundaries to force him to stop commenting, to force him to pretend he is not interested in bras. See? In order to keep talking with you he is forced into letting you force him to NOT speak his mind, which means he is forced to let you push his boundaries.
    He chose to pay the price to keep his boundaries comfortable. (The price being losing you by putting up a screen block).

    Feeling messages tend to inspire a human being to create the right connection with us, rather than make them guilt-trip into pleasing us. “I feel offended” sounds more accusatory, blamey than inspirational. We can not force a man into NOT speaking his mind. It sends him running away. Or when we succeed, we got a wimp. Neither feels good to me.

    She: “Hmmm, I appreciate your interest around the brands of bras, but just now I don’t feel technical about my new bras. I feel sexy and playful.”

    In the best case: Him :” Of course you do! And I bet you look sexy too! I wish I could see you right now!”

    Or in a thicker case: Him: “yeah well that’s why I was asking how come you had not bought this brand before?”
    She:” I feel unseen.”
    Him: “What now? What’s all that business about feeling unseen?”
    She: “I feel sexy and I miss sharing this feeling”
    Him: “Awwwww… And I see you very sexy right now”
    She: “Thank you. And I never thought of this brand before, I was feeling sexy in my other brand and was happy with it.
    Him: “hmmm I would love to see you in your older brand too. What made you change?”
    She: “Just a feeling. I saw this new one with “adopt me” written on it. It was love at first touch!”
    Him: “Aïe! Girl, you’d make any bras fall in love with you!”

    See? You do follow his conversation about why is it the first time you buy this brand. You don’t tell him off for not following your own plan of conversation. You don’t play mean teacher with him. On the contrary, you are being feminine who follows the male in your dance. And at the same time, you share your sexiness which is what you wanted to do to start with. It’s a win-win conversation for both she and him. You are dancing together.


  18.  #18Zara on April 9, 2016 at 7:13 am

    5 LoveToMe said:
    ***** I could understand if he needs a break, to walk away. But to block my phone, to delete my Facebook. This cutting me out completely, whereas one moment sooner, I had been a wonderful person to him. *****

    Unfriending a woman from facebook is not a manly move.
    We women move away because men are the pursuers. We delete men on facebook to make sure we won’t be reached and to express our “don’t want”.
    Men are the pursuers by nature, they don’t move away, they just stop pursuing.
    By deleting you, this guy proves he is unaware of his masculinity or he is plain feminine or may be simply immature.

    Let go of him! Stop punishing you.


  19.  #19LoveToMe on April 9, 2016 at 8:01 am

    He was like my fall-back plan. He was always the guy that I could think: well, if it doesn’t work out with anyone else, there’s him. He was like the job you consider when you don’t get all the cool jobs you are applying for. If you are an artist, of course you dream of supporting yourself with your art. But if that doesn’t work, you have to think of sine thing else, like teaching. He was “teaching” for me. He was the job I didn’t really think I wanted to do, but that maybe it was the sensible thing; the path to take that wasn’t extravagant, but could have different rewards, like safety, security.

    Turns out he wasn’t safe. Turns out, flirting with him, pretending to have a relationship – nothing about it was secure.

    And maybe the lesson here is both about relationships and about something else: my life in general.

    Maybe playing it “safe” really isn’t the best option for me. Maybe settling – whether on a job or a man – doesn’t offer the kind of rewards people like to suggest it might. In fact, it is LESS safe, because deep dish in your soul you KNOW it is not right for you. You are only doing it because you are losing confidence that you can really achieve the things you truly want in this life. You might settle because you are having doubts that the joy and happiness you are really after are betting your grasp. So you’ll take this thing right now. Because it’s here. Because it’s easy.

    Like my job.

    Like this man.

    I have been selling myself short. I have been holding back, not going fur what I want. Either because I believe it’s inaccessible, or because I’ve been burned in the past. Or both. And now I have questions about what I really want. I wonder if I truly do want them, if in fact I don’t have them right now. But in my heart, I do truly still want those things.

    I have to re-evaluate my dreams. That is, look at them again, see them for what they really are, attach value to them, and really GO for them.

    I have no one else to blame for me not going for what I want. That is on me.

    And of course it feels bad to experience rejection from someone you didn’t like that much in the first place.

    If I have to be sorry, I guess I’d be sorry to him for putting him in that position – where he is the boring, non-exciting solution to patching up my unrealized dreams. He was me going for second-best rather than holding to the belief that first-best is really ok for me. More than ok. It’s what I am meant to achieve.

    That makes me feel stronger and more powerful.

    This IS about me. This is about me getting the absolute best, and nut settling for ANYTHING – my job, my life, my love life.

    That in all of it, I deserve to choose the BEST, not the partial best that is offered.

    A sunny day does wonders.

    I am going to go for a run!

  20.  #20LoveToMe on April 9, 2016 at 8:03 am

    I hope you guys can read past my typos. “Deep dish”… Lol

  21.  #21LoveToMe on April 9, 2016 at 9:43 am

    I feel a million bazillion times better after my run. In fact, every time I run, I think “I should do this more often.” But then I don’t feel like it for another two weeks. Or two months. I should just make a schedule and decide to run at those times and not give myself excuses. I should also go to yoga more often.

    Body therapy is the best.

    I have dance – check
    I get massages – check

    I can add running 3x per week
    And yoga 1x per week.

    Then I should be doing pretty good

  22.  #22LoveToMe on April 9, 2016 at 10:22 am

    Zara, I sooooo appreciate all your insightful thoughts.

    And you know, people aren’t necessarily all one thing or another. It’s possible that he is a fully heterosexual man, AND a woman-on-the-inside, possibly curious in cross-dressing (though to my knowledge, he doesn’t.)

    You could be very right that my major “sin” here and where I crossed the line was in touching on a deeply hidden desire that he has that maybe he doesn’t even let himself have access to. He might feel threatened by me for saying it even though I didn’t “mean” anything by it. But yeah. It was weird – the way he was commenting on my bras was like a conversation between a mother and a daughter or between girlfriends, not a man and a woman.

    For example, one night, when I was sleeping at his house, I came home late and I didn’t feel like changing my clothes, including not taking my bra off. Now, maybe he really just wanted my bra to come off. But he said, “isn’t it bad to sleep in those things?” Yes. Yes, in fact, my mother told me that I would “get cancer” if I slept in my bras. So I had this weird feeling of not wanting him to be like my mom. And also, if I want to sleep in my bra for one night, if that makes me feel good, I don’t care. I will not get cancer.

    But I didn’t say that. I felt weird, though. There was an odd vibe, so I took his hand off me and rolled over.

    Maybe, when I made the comment about him getting his “own d*mn bras” I even knew that it was striking close to home on something. His comments suggest an interest in the experience of wearing bras – not just an appreciation for how they look on me.

    When I was there, I also observed – apropos of something else, and I don’t remember what – that he might be a little bit kinky. And this was not a judgment. More of a recognition. I am a little bit kinky myself. But it seems to me that the way to approach these things is to embrace them rather than run. They will follow you. And when you try to bury them, it caused problems. At the same time, the secretness and the taboo nature of it is also part of the thrill.

    I am sure that he would never admit to wanting to wear his own bras. To himself or to me. But many man do wear them, and enjoy them.

    I know this because he wouldn’t be the first guy I’ve been with who had this “kink.” Except that the other guy, I didn’t find out until later that he really likes to wear women’s underwear. It took some prodding to get him to admit it. And I could tell he was ashamed. But I didn’t shame him for it. No, in fact, I ended up giving him a pair of panties I had bought that didn’t fit me. Lol

    It turned him on to wear them, and we sort of hooked up, as exes, though we never got back together. The problem in his case wasn’t the kinky desire. It was that he seemed to really hate this part about himself. I didn’t want him to hate it, but it’s because of how he was brought up. And I decided, if he wants to feel that way, then ok. But it made me feel unsafe, because if he could not accept himself, then he would never be able to accept me.

    And maybe there are parts of myself, sexually, that I still need to accept. Maybe the “mirror” part of myself is that I get to look into that, and see if I am still feeling shame around something that is “kinky” or unusual, that I think just isn’t right. And maybe I am not even aware of what it is just now.

    So thank you again, Zara. I feel very supported in your words, and it even makes me feel a little sympathy for the guy – if there is some sort of desire he has, or a part of himself he can’t quite accept, then that must be very painful for him.

    And that is one thing. But right now, I am more concerned about me, and what is right for me, in my life. Maybe I am pretending not to be as kinky as I am. Maybe I need to get more kinky, not less ; ) hmmm….Interesting thoughts

  23.  #23Beloved on April 9, 2016 at 10:25 am

    Breath is the best thing EVER.
    I’ve felt sad and out of control this morning, felt bad a like I messed everything up and did something really bad and wrong and the best thing is to keep coming to my breath.
    Nothing to fix. Nothing to control. I don’t have to make anything happen.
    I am safe, all is well.

  24.  #24Liquid Light on April 9, 2016 at 11:40 am


    Bf wants to get me t-shirts that say “I don’t care” “sure!” “I don’t know” and “i’m cool with whatever” lol then i can just point at the tshirt and i’d never have to say anything at all.

    I thought this was so funny!! “Just point to the t-shirt and I’d never have to say anything at all” Hahaha! Love it! 🙂

  25.  #25LoveToMe on April 9, 2016 at 11:55 am

    Do you know, in many moments like these, music is really helpful. I find that Tori Amos is really able to capture a lot of that intense pulling and pushing we feel within ourselves – and that’s not even really a good description of what it is. She captures the emotion, which we can’t quite express with our own words, with lyrics and the music and her own intensity, and I find it really therapeutic and cathartic in some of these moments. Like yeah, I’m not the first person to ever feel this way. Here is a reference point. I’m not crazy. I’m human.

    Maybe that will be the title of my book. Lol

    When I got back from running, there was a song that popped up on my playlist that I didn’t even choose. And I listened to it because it was so appropriate. It’s called “trouble is a friend,” by Lenka. And the lyrics were so spot on, that I just started laughing. I was laughing at myself, in this ridiculous situation where yes, trouble is waiting in the wings to play a part, and I can’t get him to leave, I just have to know he’s there. And he’s my friend. He’s an annoying obnoxious friend, but even though it’s “trouble,” he’s really looking out for me.

    I had all the endorphins going from my run, and it was laugh-crying, but mostly laughing. The releasing kind of laughing. It felt good.

    Trouble is a friend. I caused this trouble. It’s true. I brought it up. I incited it. “Trouble” is a part of me. But it’s my friend. It’s helping me – and I may have even helped my friend (the man), too, though he doesn’t see it yet.

    He will. Eventually

  26.  #26Rori Raye on April 9, 2016 at 11:57 am

    Brava Mandy – and Missstyx, I LOVE the T-shirt idea! Love, Rori

  27.  #27Rori Raye on April 9, 2016 at 12:01 pm

    Lovetome – Love to YOU! The way I work best is: INVITE the TRIGGERS IN! This is how we get onboard with the expansion and movement that’s already taking place! Otherwise, we’re fighting the flow, and that’s what makes us feel stuck. Love, Rori

  28.  #28Liquid Light on April 9, 2016 at 12:13 pm

    Re. the bra saga, this is so interesting and I love the discussion. It is so fascinating!

    To me, it feels masculine to have brought up the bra at all. It feels almost strategic, as a way to turn the conversation, in a subtle way, towards sex? I dunno, maybe that’s just my take?

  29.  #29LoveToMe on April 9, 2016 at 12:56 pm

    Beloved – that is awesome.

    Breath is usually recommended. Lol I guess it works.

    Although for me, depending on the situation, sometimes it is not enough.

    What I’ve been doing recently, which is kind of cool, is when I am feeling especially bad, to hit check in with myself and see if I am ok. Like am I physically intact? Yes. Ok.

    Because I think for me there is this panic – like if someone leaves my life, it could be life-threatening somehow. This isn’t necessarily rational. It’s leftover from when you are little and your parents have to take care of you.

    So it’s kind of surprising and reassuring to know that, yes, I am physically ok. Even if all this stuff feels really bad, and I feel helpless and like I lost this person and maybe it’s even my fault – I am still ok.

    That’s awesome. It rocks, actually

  30.  #30Liquid Light on April 9, 2016 at 1:14 pm

    Love To Me,

    “What I’ve been doing recently, which is kind of cool, is when I am feeling especially bad, to hit check in with myself and see if I am ok. Like am I physically intact? Yes. Ok.”

    This is brilliant and exactly what Byron Katie suggests. According to BK (my interpretation anyway): if we are in pain, we are living in the past or the future but if we check in with how we are doing right now, in this moment, we find out, just as you did, that we are OK. Love it! 🙂

  31.  #31LoveToMe on April 9, 2016 at 1:14 pm

    Rori – thank you! What an outrageous concept – invite them in! I suppose I spend most of my time trying to fight them off and/or calm them.

    LL – I am glad you are enjoying it. “The bra saga.” Haha. That will be the title of my other book – the young adult novel I write. Lol

    It’s possible I was leaning forward a bit. I will admit to having a desire that he would respond with something sexual, or at least a compliment.. But I could be forgiven for that, maybe based in the fact that he was already giving me compliments and speaking in a sexual way! I didn’t really feel like I had to force it. I was kind of just going with the “flow” that I felt at the moment. In fact, that was precisely why I was looking at myself and thinking, “I love the way this new bra looks on me. This bra is sexy. I am hot. I feel sexy wearing this bra.”

    And I think my text to him was something of that nature – “I feel so sexy in this new bra.”

    And it was odd. Like his response was carefully avoiding all mention of my body, of me, of how I might look. Sure, I may have been fishing for a compliment. But he was the one who was sooooo obsessed with my boobs. Yet suddenly he is not interested in them and is more concerned with what kind of bra I wa wearing?

    Maybe he just didn’t want to get himself too turned on? Maybe it was the verbal equivalent of a cold shower? That might make sense to me.

    But it’s weird, I’m telling you. Maybe Zara has hit on something important that was lurking just below the surface – something I could sense, but not quite articulate. All I knew was, I felt weird. The interaction was strange. And his response, so sudden, immediate, complete.

    There is something I don’t know here. Maybe a lot I don’t know. Maybe a lot of things I don’t need to know, and don’t want in my life. “Rejection is protection,” as they say.

    Though now I’m thinking of my ex with the ladies underwear. Wonder how he’s doing? Lol

  32.  #32LoveToMe on April 9, 2016 at 1:29 pm

    Come to think of it, he did ask me to stimulate his nippes quite a lot when we were in bed (the exact opposite of my ex last year who refused unequivocally to let me even touch his, never mind kick them, for fear that that was a “feminine” thing.) No this guy was way into it. And in fact, it seemed like he even needed it to get fully turned on, if you know what I mean.

    They were also tiny little things that were hard to find in all his fur. Lol

    So yeah. Maybe he really does have bra envy or breast envy, or some hyper-feminine aspect of himself, despite being an otherwise full-blooded heterosexual male.

    OR….dum dum dum. This just occurred to me….maybe my impression of him as a man who denigrates the women he sleeps with is actually a symtom of him hating this feminine aspect of himself.

    Ow ow ow. I feel like I might have just hit on something that has a ring of truth to it – at least to me, based on what I know of him, combined with my own experience, as well as the way people tend to project their own insecurities onto others (I know, because I do it, too.)

    Hm. This is interesting

    Haha. You guys are the absolute best. What would I do without this blog??? ❤️❤️❤️

  33.  #33LoveToMe on April 9, 2016 at 1:30 pm

    Ack!! *lick – not kick!!

    Nobody was kicking anyone’s nipples. Lol. I’m not a sadist. I don’t do that. Lol.

    Lick nipples. I lick men’s nipples from time to time ; )

  34.  #34LoveToMe on April 9, 2016 at 1:32 pm


  35.  #35Millie on April 9, 2016 at 1:45 pm

    I don’t feel good today. Not sick, but just not good. My energy feels very low. I am finding the familiar wall wanting to go up with online dating. I can’t describe well…but I feel invaded. I notice I feel turned off by eagerness, and want to pull away when a man moves forward “too quickly.” Even if I express a feeling message and what I want, the damage feels done, because I already see him as someone who wants things easily, to blow past things. One started sending me s*xy pics of himself, I quickly replied that I don’t send pictures to men I haven’t met yet. He understood, but continues to send them of himself, one almost completely naked and blatantly asked for my approval. He asked how he could help me because I am hard to read. He mentioned that already several times that he can’t read me. I want to pull away hearing that. Familiar feelings of frustration are arising.

    My guy friend T texted yesterday and was in plan mode, which I love. He said he would contact me this morning with an update and I haven’t heard from him. This has happened a few times with him and I do point it out, he always apologizes and says he meant to call me but got busy/sidetracked. I beleive him, but i also feel forgotten. I know that isn’t his intent at all though. I don’t know if there is a better way to communicate that i don’t like feeling forgotten, it feels unsettling when he doesn’t follow through with texting me about a,b, and c. I know eventually he will text though. As I’ve said before, I love his masculine energy and appreciate it. Just wish I could communicate better here.

    Things might be changing with my job and that is making me feel unsettled as well…I feel “out of control” of my career and am worried it may go down a path that I don’t want. I’ve already expressed to my boss what I DO want, so we shall see what happens.

  36.  #36Liquid Light on April 9, 2016 at 2:58 pm

    Love to Me,

    Its possible that he was reacting to your trying to manipulate him vis a vis the conversation and turning it towards sex. Maybe instead of taking the bait and being controlled, he turned the conversation to a more technical discussion about the bra?

  37.  #37Millie on April 9, 2016 at 3:01 pm

    Another thing I am finding myself react to is a lot of men wanting to CALL me! Instead of being frustrated that men only want to text (my past) now a lot are actually asking to call me and actually calling and wanting to meet and I feel panicky. I feel scared.

  38.  #38Liquid Light on April 9, 2016 at 3:43 pm


    I could really use some help with K. I really like him, we get along great, and each date we just seem to grow closer and closer as we get to know each other better.

    However, the one area that I’m concerned about is the physical attraction. I don’t typically get involved with anyone that I don’t have a strong physical attraction for. But that formula hasn’t particularly worked that well for me …I’m still single. My last relationship was very physical, we were very attracted to it each other but it didn’t work out. And in fact I think the physical attraction made me blind to some of the red flags that I didn’t want to see.

    Anyway, this is really uncomfortable and new territory for me. Any words of wisdom? Is it possible that the physical attraction will grow? Are we doomed? Ack! Help!

    Azure, from a prior post, I really appreciated what you wrote about my situation and your pointer (was it Sami Wunder?). Can you elaborate more? Any other pointers or references that might be pertinent. Thanks!!!

  39.  #39April Rose on April 9, 2016 at 4:13 pm

    Miss Styx,

    It puzzled me at first that the T-shirt idea rang some little alarm bells. Especailly as others have seemed so enthusiastic about the idea.

    Then I realised – it was the messages. Somehow “I don’t care” and “whatever” don’t seem very feminine to me. They seem noncommittal.

    My guess is that your guy would have a much better chance of leading an exciting plan for you two, if you let him know exactly what kind of event or outing would excite you.

    And I would have “You’ve got this, honey” “Yes please” “Ask and I’ll come with you” and “Invitations welcome” on my T-shirts.

    I reckon all you need to do is give him some clearer ideas of what would turn you on, and then decide to have faith in him.

  40.  #40April Rose on April 9, 2016 at 4:14 pm

    I meant Miss Stix, not Styx (was thinking about the river earlier!)

  41.  #41April Rose on April 9, 2016 at 4:17 pm

    LoveToMe 33

    You just made me burst out laughing!

  42.  #42April Rose on April 9, 2016 at 4:25 pm

    I just came in from a date, and some words of Indigo’s from the last thread came to me.
    Some men are masculine, yet a bit rough and selfish. Something like that.
    I think this man is such. Really going out for what HE wants.
    What he wants is me, and physical closeness with me. Previously that has been a turn on for me.
    Yet on this occaision I watched and listened closely. I didn’t feel so turned on. His actions did not make me feel special.
    He himself was funny and interesting and thoughtful about the world.
    Yet the woman in front of him… he didn’t ask me if I would like a dessert… he finished the last piece of the starters we’d been sharing…. he let me drink the tap water the waiter brought and didn’t ask if I would like another kind of drink.

    Sirens, in times like these are men showing us who they are and we should respond accordingly (maybe by not going out on further dates) or do we come out with feeling messages.

    It was a big turnoff.

  43.  #43April Rose on April 9, 2016 at 4:31 pm

    He asked me some things about myself, and made some nice remarks and compliments to me. But about 75% of his conversation was about dramas in his personal life.

    I said at one point that my head felt a bit battered hearing all that. He left it off for a while but resumed it later.

    People have their habitual ways of conversing, I suppose. And it shows us who they are and we get to decide whether we want to spend more time with them.

  44.  #44April Rose on April 9, 2016 at 4:36 pm

    Anyway, thanks to everyone on the last thread and the discussion about there being men who hold back on sex in the early stages of dating.

    It just seemed so obvious to me tonight. Wow, you’re pushing for physical intimacy. Okay, I know you like me and want more. How do I convey to you that it’s in my interest to hold back? And are you interested in my best interests?

    Clueless? I wondered.
    If there were some way for me to convey how I would love to feel cared for and not pressured. Feeling cared for would look like x,y, z.

    I need to plan a script in advance. I seem to freeze on feeling messages when I’m right in the middle of a situation.

  45.  #45April Rose on April 9, 2016 at 4:40 pm

    I remember being moved by reading Adam Gilad’s words when he said he asks himself “Am I the man for her?”
    Such a loving, noble question for a man to ask himself.

    So cherishing of the divine feminine.

  46.  #46April Rose on April 9, 2016 at 4:41 pm

    (((Azure Blu)))

    I just felt like sending you a hug.

  47.  #47Femininewoman on April 9, 2016 at 6:38 pm

    Millie I read your comment and the first para reminded me of Gay Hendricks and their talk about the fear of engulfment. Next I read your second para and like you were talking about the fear of abandonment. Like first you complaining about too much people into your space then someone not coming in your space. Is it me or is it that you really not sure what it is you really want? It’s like two polar opposites, two different people speaking. For the one sending those photos I’d say just tell him how turned off you feel seeing them. After telling him three times if he continues then just don’t engage with him in any way shape or fashion. Maybe he takes it that you responding to him in some is negating what you are saying.

  48.  #48Millie on April 9, 2016 at 7:06 pm

    Femininewoman– I don’t think I’m “complaining” just noticing how I’m feeling. My friend did call and apologized and we talked for an hour, but he’s fear of abandonment is probably one of the things in my laundry list of issues.

    I don’t know what’s wrong with me…. All these guys are wanting to call and I feel like shutting down now. So yeah I probably can’t put my money where my mouth is and now I feel depressed.

    I did tell that guy who was sending me pics a few times I did t want that and I stopped replying.

  49.  #49Millie on April 9, 2016 at 7:07 pm

    I meant *my* fear of abandonment, not “he’s”

  50.  #50Millie on April 9, 2016 at 7:14 pm

    Maybe I have a bipolar tendency

  51.  #51Liquid Light on April 9, 2016 at 7:43 pm

    Millie, have you tried doing a worksheet on these thoughts/feelings around dating?

  52.  #52Millie on April 9, 2016 at 8:04 pm

    No liquid light I haven’t.

    You know what I really want…. I want to go back in time and change my behavior. But I can’t do that.

  53.  #53Millie on April 9, 2016 at 8:12 pm

    I think what it is is that I’m giving my number out too soon. It would feel more manageable to just message longer until I feel more certain this is someone I feel comfortable with. Maybe I need to establish a new boundary for myself with what I need to feel before giving out my phone number.

  54.  #54Starla on April 9, 2016 at 8:49 pm

    I feel a little funny commenting on this, but I really don’t think a man being wild about having his nipples stimulated means anything at all about his psychology. But being adamantly against it just because it’s “feminine” actually does suggest a thing or two:-P

  55.  #55Indigo on April 10, 2016 at 12:00 am


    “I think what it is is that I’m giving my number out too soon. It would feel more manageable to just message longer until I feel more certain this is someone I feel comfortable with. Maybe I need to establish a new boundary for myself with what I need to feel before giving out my phone number.”


  56.  #56Indigo on April 10, 2016 at 12:10 am

    April Rose 42 & 43,

    These are the sorts of things I notice also on a date. It’s not enough to necessarily make me not want to go out with him again, and I guess it would depend on the guy whether I would speak up about them. If he seemed open to hearing out my feelings but just seemed a little clueless, I’d probably say “I’d love a drink” or “I’m not really enjoying this topic. Let’s talk about happier things!” or something. It’s hard to tell from your description whether it’s something that could maybe smooth out and improve with time. I suppose you can just feel into it 🙂 Some guys when they are nervous and like a woman do behave in a slightly silly way in the first couple of dates, but are open to correction.

    As far as pushing for physical intimacy and you holding your boundary, I’ve found sometimes a feeling message isn’t quite clear or assertive enough. Emotional closeness seems to be directly linked to physical arousal for men so I think sometimes the signals can get a bit mixed. For me, when we are kissing or whatever and he is making a move to go further I usually just take his hand and put it where I want it rather than where it wants to go, and I smile and say gently “No. I’m not going to do that yet.”

  57.  #57Indigo on April 10, 2016 at 12:11 am

    I do agree April Rose that I far prefer to go out with a man who is sensitive to my cues and needs. It makes the date so much more blissful for me.

  58.  #58Indigo on April 10, 2016 at 12:27 am


    I don’t know if any of you remember a little while back (maybe 8 or 9 months ago now?) I spoke about my desire to go overseas. To move there for a while, maybe a few years, maybe longer. To Ireland, the UK, that sort of area. It makes sense with a lot of things that are happening in my own country.

    Anyway, I saw J on Wednesday night, and again last night, and both times he talked to me about moving to Ireland or the UK. He’s asked me to seriously consider it. He is in the process of applying for his Polish passport which would make it easier for him. This is his plan B. And as I say this is the second time in a week he’s asked me if I would come with him.

    I would only go if it turned out to be doable to continue my studies over there. And if everything worked out with getting a visa etc. of course. I don’t see why it shouldn’t, but still.

    My mind and emotions are swirling a bit. My heart feels so full and happy. Almost that it feels like too much happiness. J is so fearless that it makes me a little scared. I have a natural residual fear and an inbuilt caution, which is why everything usually takes a long time for me to feel comfortable with anything. I don’t think J is afraid of anything. I have no reservations. I trust J and I’m confident he can make me happy, but I’m still a little naturally scared and he is not!

  59.  #59April Rose on April 10, 2016 at 2:56 am

    Ooh Indigo,

    Fearlessness is such an endearing quality. Imagine adventuring with a man who really gets you and has your back. Wow.

    If it were me I would have a sit down with myself and think about what I want as a thing in itself, not just as a response to someone else’s suggestion. I’d be asking myself “realistically, when would I consider going, and for how long, and how much money do I need” That sort of thing. So that you wouldn’t be dependent on another person, or tied into them somehow, too soon.

    I surprised myself by writing this. because I realise is is one of my dreams to adventure with a partner. And writing this I realise that dreams can happen and they will require me to be very practical, and that I want to keep my happy self-containment even within the partnership.

  60.  #60April Rose on April 10, 2016 at 3:00 am

    It is said that each of a person’s actions comes from either fear or from expanding love.

    It did not feel good being with a fearful man.

  61.  #61April Rose on April 10, 2016 at 3:16 am


    So.. last night’s date. It was a second date.

    I was picked up and driven to a lovely location in nature, to go for a walk up a hill. Just my thing.

    I got into the car, feeling a little breathless because I’d been rushing to get ready and was late. I said sorry and he said no need, I’m fine waiting. He said he was used to it, having a daughter.

    He asked me how my day had been. I began to unfurl the sensations and memories. Often it takes me a while to connect my words to my feelings/ thoughts, and what I find is that men dive in when I pause, and start talking about themselves.

    Well, I got the whole saga of the family drama. And I felt a little stunned. This is a second date. I straight away went into my head, thinking to myself “okay, so you are desperate for a wife to offload your daily stress onto”. I pictured myself in that role and it felt ice. That is not how I want to spend my romantic life.

    In hindsight I feel angry and indignant. He had a precious siren goddess in his car, and did he consider if it was valuable, nice or good for me to experience that deluge? (on a SECOND DATE!) No, it seemed like he did not consider me at all, other than as a sounding board for him.

    I just had my radar on to see who he was putting first.

    Now I feel curious about men who put their wants on you. I feel so new to dating and every experience is valuable.

    As Indigo has experienced, I am enjoying an increase in the quality of men showing up.

    For instance, what felt good was that this man does not smoke (YAY finally I’ve attracted a non-smoker) and is open to meditation.

    A definite improvement.

    And I can spot those that don’t put me first. That skill in itself could have saved me my last six-year dead end relationship.

  62.  #62LoveToMe on April 10, 2016 at 4:32 am

    LL – yeah, that’s a possibility. But…it doesn’t solve the bigger problem(s) or explain his wholesale negative reaction.

    Plus, why was I so ready to get snippy with him anyway? I clearly didn’t like something about the way things were going or how he was relating to me.

    In fact, there were some things I had been waiting to talk about – sex for example.

    I wish I had said something about it the night before. But he was keeping the conversation light. I didn’t get into it.

    There is something here I don’t want to see or talk about.

    At least yesterday I felt happy. I got good sleep. I enjoyed my run. I found the humor in the situation, laughing at myself.

    But I still wake up with this kind of emptiness.

    I hate the feeling of being cut off. Of not even being able to talk about what happened, to apologize and make things right, if necessary – to have a two-way conversation.

    I did call and leave a message for him. And I started by apologizing about the bra. And that’s when I started crying. Maybe, of all the things, that was my biggest mistake. And it seems like such a small thing. But I really, truly, and very deeply regret having mentioned it.

    I could have sat in my room and enjoyed wearing it without mentioning it at all. And believe me, it wasn’t manipulative when I said it – at least I wasn’t meaning it to be. I intended to spark his imagination, to share in how good I was feeling. It was supposed to be a good shared experience. I wanted him to know how good I felt and to look forward to the next time he would be seeing me.

    Now all of that doesn’t matter, and I have to rip this person out of my life who has been there and been “present” and basically advertising himself to me for the last four years.

    Over a stupid, stupid bra.

    I still like the bra, tho. It’s a good bra…and I look sexy in it ; )

  63.  #63Indigo on April 10, 2016 at 4:34 am

    April Rose 59,

    So true. I’d want to be so practical here. I’d want to figure out what was truly best for me regardless of his wants first. I also want to completely hear him out first before I take any practical steps in this direction. He’s mentioned it twice this week, great. But I’d want to see if he continues to talk about it, and what he comes up with. I want to hear his plan and how I potentially fit into it, and if he is serious. Men can say all kinds of things, and I want to see if he will be consistent.

    April Rose 60,

    “It is said that each of a person’s actions comes from either fear or from expanding love.”

    I’ve noticed how some of my own actions and words around him come from fear. Not from anything he’s done. He treats me so well and cherishes my every feeling and look and adores me. He always opens my car door. He always pays. He phones me and communicates every day, he cares about everything that goes on with me and holds me and is so affectionate, and makes me feel loved and wanted. I literally could not feel any better.

    And I am afraid because I have been hurt before. I am afraid because I felt like I had to watch my step with other guys I’ve been with, that one false move could make them pull back, and I don’t want a man to pull back. So there is fear there on my part, and reserve. But I am slowly (slowly!) learning to trust J and how open he is.

  64.  #64Indigo on April 10, 2016 at 4:41 am

    April Rose 61,

    I went on one date with a man who used our dinner time and me as his own personal therapy session. I got to hear all his drama of his two fiancees who had run away with two of his best friends (yes, this had happened twice to this man!) and all the various upheavals associated with that.

    I don’t know what possessed him to tell all this to a woman he had just met and was trying to date, but I did not hang around to find out. For me personally, I no longer have time for a man who doesn’t know how to behave like a gentleman. Men who don’t know how to cherish me can move right along please. I’ve spent enough time in self-involved men purgatory thanks, and I want a wonderful, joyful, easy relationship now.

    I’m so happy the quality of men showing up for you is improving!

  65.  #65Dixie on April 10, 2016 at 4:52 am

    It feels so wonderful to see the discussions here….I love checking in and catching up!

    Millie: the Gay Hendricks “theory” of the fear of too much space, colliding with the fear of not enough space, REALLY resonated with me tge first time I heard it last year. I also felt confused by own actions: I was longing for closeness and connection, but when a new man came along, I almost felt like pushing them back from my space! It’s funny now to look back at the absurdity of it. But the truth is that I was longing for closeness all along with someone else (D), so I was not giving anyone a fair chance. I still feel torn when a new man wants get closer in knowing me..

    Indigo: I am very excited for you and I love that each new man has brought to closer to Forever. J sounds really, really lovely, and I love that he is “different” from the types of men you dated before!

    LoveToMe: I don’t have advice dear Siren, but I can share what I see/have experienced. This man knew you were fishing for a compliment and wanted to be polite by responding, but did not want to engage in a sexual way. So he compromised – responded in a “safe” way. He could have even said, “that’s a really nice painting in the photo.” Or “Thanks for sharing.” Either way, I’ve found that when I secretly “want” a specific response, and pose a question, well, most men will see through this. Heck, the man could respond with the answer to the meaning of Life, and I would still feel pouty, lol.

    In my experience, I cannot communicate to a man who has left the room, conversation, etc. And worrying about him, his motivations, his responses, his intentions, his feelings, only leaves me feeling utterly exhausted and wrung out. Men’s minds are different. For me, it has been this time that I have had to do the inner work of finding joy inside me, with others, and filling my own tank, so that whether he responds or not, or whether I accept or choose not to accept his response, my boat is still afloat, steady, and moving.

    My only advice Siren, is to gently give yourself the permission to not be concerned with him. Give him the 8 weeks as Dr. Pat Allen suggests, but in the meantime, look at everything else in your environment that gives you joy.

    For me the biggest revelation (from Esther Hicks) was this: “No one is on the hook for my own happiness.”

  66.  #66Kim on April 10, 2016 at 6:24 am

    Today any suggestions on how to stay calm with wedding preparations and the ensuing high running of emotions is suggested. Lol.
    This is happy stress, ok, so far so good.
    Now I need a vent!

    Yesterday we went on a reconnaissance day down to the place where we will get married….as well as having a great day out around there…but

    My guy was grumpy. Starting with the drive. Honking at people, driving to close and getting irritated when they don’t drive fast enough. OMG. As if this helps with the mood.
    It put me on edge too…now I have learnt to take my knitting lol so I stat calm. Very calm.

    It was a beautiful day. Like, amazing turquoise water, and just beautiful and my guy behaved like a child who didn’t get his candy, he was like this the night before, flaring up at anything and everything I said…such as calling me judgmental and having a closed mind because I didn’t care for a TV show…he went on and on about it OMG. I am allowed to have my own opinions.

    So we were down there…the irritation continued. Saw a kid being scolded, so he goes on about his Dad having been an ‘asshole’. They don’t speak to him because he was a harsh father….so were many, mine included….well, I feel at our age we do well to cut slack to parents who tried their best but ok. Forgive if you can not forget. I was now getting more and more irritated by the minute lol.

    The wedding – a few of my friends from overseas can’t make it, most in fact, but we had wanted a small intimate wedding with people who mean something to us. Turns out that his half of the people is bigger than mine/ours. No problem, he is local. Then he starts to say, if we still have invitations left, he is thinking of inviting more work colleagues (bearing in mind that all of his friends are already work colleagues and he doesn’t really socialize with them). The ones he suddenly wants to invite….he does nothing at all socially, I have never met them, and he says ‘oh I don’t want them to feel left out’.

    Ok, well we stopped inviting some more distant friends that we both know and have done stuff with so that our wedding turns into a work piss-up? 🙁

    I said ‘I thought we had already agreed on a guest list’….and we wanted to keep it small and meaningful. The invitations went out weeks ago. He got more grumpy. I caved and said well, if it means that much to you….turns out they have planned a bachelor party or something for him…without having been invited…so he feels forced or something, I don’t know. What about all the other male guests? Shouldn’t a bachelor party include them? Anyway, I just shut up because he was already grumpy. I didn’t want to spend the day arguing.

    As the day went on we met with the lady who is organizing our ceremony at the venue. Bearing in mind she has nothing to do with the restaurant/food and is just setting up the ceremony. Instead of asking meaningful questions, actually pertaining to what she was there for, he started to ask her about what he should do with his sister as she is a vegan. Lol. None of that lady’s problem, she just ignored the question – we talked about colors, flowers and seating/decorating.

    This went on…’my sister needs this’….’when she comes down, we have to meet her and make sure about this….and that…’

    Honestly. I had it up to my eyeballs at this point. Yet I tried all the ‘throwing love on it’ and staying calm, trying to re-frame this as him being a great caring guy…towards his sister….and that he is a loving and kind man. I decided to stay quiet, but everything bubbled inside of me.

    Despite the fact that I feel loathed to having to pander to someone who is unhappy and angry that we are getting married. If he wants to do that, fine and I am ok with that actually, but I don’t need to get involved. I have done my bit with that. Seems on his wedding day he wants to run off and instruct the chef of this place what he can and can not make for his sister…lol. Ok whatever!

    The wedding cake ‘oh my sister is a vegan’ …. Oh and how he needs to encourage his cousins to come for her sake. Lol. This is the woman who threw an angry fit when she found out we got married and defriended us both from facebook, but yes, let’s hope the wedding runs according to her wishes and needs…nevermind about all the other guests…because they are happy for us so we don’t need to care about them! Lol

    Now I am grumpy.
    I had to do all the planning and organizing for this wedding, the invitations, simply everything – he works long hours and we agreed on it. I had already requested a vegan option because I am not an uncaring beast. I was the one who initially suggested inviting the cousins whom he has no real contact with…lol.

    Now some of what we agreed on seems kinda overthrown…or questioned/changing…now he even says he might change hotels – after quite a few people are staying at the same place as us on our suggestion OMG help!

    I feel like either just getting on with it, doing what we agreed on and just not asking him anymore, or throwing the whole file at him and saying ‘ok, there you go, do what you want and I am happy to turn up and say yes…..ok? 🙂

    Most of all I guess, I don’t understand why he can’t put his foot down with his work colleagues, sister..he can with me?
    It’s not supposed to be a work party or a vegan gluten free party…it’s supposed to be our wedding…and there will be dietary adjustments, of course….nobody is going to starve lol. I have seen to it!
    He always gets steamrollered into stuff..not sure how I feel about that. Especially when it comes to our wedding…his work colleagues are now dictating our guest list?

    while I understand people’s needs and am happy, so happy that he is sensitive to them, I am kinda annoyed now with the way the wedding planning is going. Meh. Lol
    I am guessing the grumpiness is normal? Life changing event and all that.
    I was really excited but after yesterday, now I feel grumpy. Temporarily.

    I think today I will take some space and go for a nice long walk alone. Yes, that would feel good. All will be fine.
    I don’t know if I should have spoken up yesterday…but when I tried to, he said ‘don’t be like that’…so for fear of being accused the drama queen I shut up. And boiled inside…which as we all know is not the good way. I was just about to explode but think it is better to stay quiet and talk normally at a time when I am not about to explode. Besides, things have a habit of resolving themselves…
    Deep breath. It will all be ok on the day…

  67.  #67T-Girl on April 10, 2016 at 7:39 am

    Kim, I don’t know what to tell you specifically because I more had issues with my man’s family than with him when I was planning my wedding, but I just remember telling myself a lot during the planning “all the matters is the man waiting for me at the end of the aisle.”

    That seemed to help lol.

  68.  #68Indigo on April 10, 2016 at 8:17 am

    Kim 66,

    Having been through a wedding of my own where my groom’s sister also threw a hissy about small, inconsequential things that she could easily have just shut up about – the fact that the hairdresser didn’t wash our hair before doing our styles (because the styles worked better if the hair was not squeaky clean), about the style and fit of the bridesmaid dresses, about the wedding cake – and then abandoned me two days before the wedding and wouldn’t answer her phone when she was supposed to be my head bridesmaid… I don’t know what to tell you other than those in the guy’s immediate family, especially the sisters and mothers, seem to take it really badly when they feel like they are losing him forever. They are used to being the centre of attention perhaps, and not all handle it gracefully.

    I also know that many men feel really at a loss as to know what to do about it. Feelings of powerlessness and frustration often show up as anger and grumpiness in men, as I’m sure you’re aware.

    If I were you, I would just keep holding your boundaries, and also just walking away and taking a time out as often as you need to. If it were me, I would be a class act about it all throughout the wedding and then resolve to start putting a bit of distance between us as a couple and any troublesome people straight after the wedding.

    Meh yuck. So horrible to have to deal with all of this.

  69.  #69Kim on April 10, 2016 at 8:54 am

    Ah T-girl, yes, this is what I have tried to do…and ‘ommmmmm’ lol. Somewhat failed yesterday possibly because of the general grumpiness lol.
    And Indigo – feels good to know I am not alone in this struggle. I just want the day to go well with no upset or interference or drama from others. Maybe I also need to voice that again…because he understood at first and now it’s kind of forgotten. Lol.
    I don’t want others – whoever it is – running us ragged on the day. My friends – some of them wanna be Bridezillas – have been instructed!

  70.  #70LoveToMe on April 10, 2016 at 9:00 am

    Millie – “I wish I could go back in time and change my behavior” – yeah, I wish the same thing :-/

  71.  #71LoveToMe on April 10, 2016 at 9:11 am

    8 weeks.

    You know, it’s funny, that.

    The number 8 is a vertical infinity symbol.

    8 weeks can feel like an eternity.

    I don’t know why, but I watched a 20-minute long video on infinity this morning. Not just infinity, but layers of infinity beyond the infinite. How to count multiple infinities.

    I woke up crying.

    I finished watching a very long Bollywood movie, in which the woman finds a husband in her friend.

    I cried some more.

    I took a shower.

    I have an infinity symbol tattooed on my back.

    It came to me in a dream, after I had left my fiancé.

    It took me five years after that dream to get the tattoo on my body.

    It’s the only tattoo I have or want.

    It symbolizes my relationship to eternity, and how we are all only a very small part of what is eternal, and yet without us, eternity is not complete. It was comforting to me when I was feeling loss that time.

    A sideways 8

  72.  #72Dixie on April 10, 2016 at 10:11 am


    Please reassure me that I’m not the only one who sometimes still finds it challenging to stay in a softer receptive mode, even with a man who says he loves me.

    I’m finding that now, when I’m feeling very grateful and happy and just content, my heart wants to reach out….

    I’m feeling very aware and perked up to the understanding that I am a “fixer”, a “rescuer”, a “helper”, and I’m trying to not fall into this role with D. He’s a lovely, masculine, sensitive man, and I have to keep reminding myself to NOT take away that masculine role from him!

  73.  #73Indigo on April 10, 2016 at 10:33 am


    If you don’t often reach out I think there’s nothing wrong with reaching out now and then…

    Yes he is in the masculine role but a relationship is not completely one sided…

    Sorry, I don’t have a lot to go on here with what you’ve said, but do what feels right in your heart.

  74.  #74Kath on April 10, 2016 at 12:25 pm

    Hi ladies,
    I am struggling with feelings that have come up within me after a night out last night with my friends. A group of 7 of us went to a charity dinner and dance. 2 couples amongst us- one couple, my good friends Trish & Ken whom I have known for 13yrs and the second couple Mark & Jane whom I met at a party last New Year. On both occasions I noticed Mark being very close with Trish and last night when we all went back to Mark’s house for drinks, Mark stood in the kitchen holding and hugging Trish in a very long embrace with his wife and Trish’s husband in the room at the same time. Now on the face of it I know you may think that their behaviour was ok because both of their partners were in the room at the time but I had an alarm bell ringing. The thing is I also noticed that Trish was standing close to Mark on several occasions and their arms brushed together in, to me, a more than just friends kind of way. I stayed at Trish and Ken’s house last night because I live in a different town to them and where the dinner and dance was held and this morning Trish was not only incredibly hungover but also very snappy with Ken- and he is such a lovely guy that he just took it as normal. I am concerned that Trish’s friendship with Mark is too close but I don’t know whether I am over-analysing and I don’t know whether I should say anything!- Help!!

  75.  #75Kim on April 10, 2016 at 12:49 pm

    Hm. Yes. It is very difficult to stay Sireny for me when I hear what I, judgmentally perhaps, perceive as nonsense. Today, the topic of bachelor party comes up. Again the topic of work colleagues wanting to throw a bachelor party. Half of those guys are invited – the rest is not. He has a gazillion work colleagues.
    This also means the other male friends/guests of the wedding don’t even get the chance to go to a bachelor party. What?!
    Traditionally, it is a party for the male guests to bond. Not people who are not even invited…it’s also a little rude to them. I tried to explain…got exasperated and in the end just said, well ‘ you’ve got to do what you want’.
    I could have said ‘it feels sad and a little silly to exclude some friends/guests from the bachelor party and have others in there who are not invited’…or something.
    I just feel exasperated, like isn’t this bloody obvious, am I not making sense here? Lol
    I honestly didn’t think in a million years about these things even being a problem or worth a discussion lol.
    Frankly, when we talked about it before, we said we would have a bash with friends – male and female – because we were both not keen on bachelorette parties.
    All is changing because now other people make our plans for us? I tell you girls – it is infuriating…I find it hard to bring this up without losing my calm and composed self and turning into a mother, lecturing.

  76.  #76Kim on April 10, 2016 at 12:52 pm

    Kath, I would stay out of other couples’ businesses…because at the end of the day what they do – arm brushing/flirting or other stuff – is none of our business, and the only one who will end up getting upset and accused of stirring things up and possibly dropped, will be you.
    I don’t take on other people’s drama…life is too short. Seems that they are not hiding anything and are all adults?

  77.  #77April Rose on April 10, 2016 at 2:10 pm


    The cure I have found for this is to take a deep breath and have faith in him. His way of doing things may not be like yours or up to your standards, yet we need to fully praise him and appreciate him. I’m still learning this one! It’s a challenge 🙂

  78.  #78Zara on April 10, 2016 at 2:24 pm


    “Who’s business am I in?” By Byron Katie

    “She flirts too much” with Byron Katie at minute 4:45


  79.  #79April Rose on April 10, 2016 at 2:31 pm

    Hi Zara,

    Just wanted to ask if you had any experience with men who seemed to put themselves first, but really were just clueless and needed to be rewarded into their deeper qualities…

  80.  #80Kath on April 10, 2016 at 2:48 pm

    Thanks Kim and Zara- for introducing me to Byron Katie- she is very thought provoking!
    I felt uncomfortable with their behaviour and I guess I should be the one to not put myself in that situation- so I will see Trish and Ken again but avoid Mark and Jane.

  81.  #81Femininewoman on April 10, 2016 at 3:53 pm

    Kim I dunno the guys might just be needing a reason for them all to celebrate together. Is it costing you anything? If not and they want to throw a party I say why not?!

  82.  #82Zara on April 10, 2016 at 8:30 pm

    Hello April Rose

    I feel unsure what “rewarded into their deepest qualities” means.
    Or do you mean showing gratitude?

    His deepest qualities… I feel unsure what is meant here again.
    Ok, I’ll give my own meaning and see where it takes me.

    For me to feel grateful for his qualities, it means he did something either for me or for our relationship and his qualities shined through his action. And his action brought me comfort. (He cooks every night or he bought a house for both of us or he grows a garden for us, he drives me to work every day, he puts the children to bed every night, name it, you have it.) His qualities participate to my peace, they save me from discomfort. I feel loved and teamed up. My heart overflows towards him. I thank him.
    Or he does something at work, of which I feel proud. But here it is again. Inside a loving relationship, I feel proud because his qualities at work enhance my life. His shine at work is projected on the whole family. I don’t reward him, he is not my pupil. I celebrate his success with him. He does what he does because he wants to do it. He gets his own rewards through the consequences of his actions. A better life for himself, a happier family, and the pride in his wife and children’s eyes.
    Or he is very straight forward and keeps his word. How can I reward this quality? I can reward work, effort but not a quality. A quality just is. I can appreciate a man for his quality. Trusting him with my own life, never doubting his ability to lead me, make him feel appreciated. Here again, it implies we are in a relationship where he has proven being worthy of my trust.

    Yet, you are referring to a man who puts himself first. How can I see his qualities in such case? His action are never towards enhancing my comfort. How would I know his worth?
    Do you mean his qualities like may be he is good at taking care of himself, at making lots of money for himself, at raising his children, at looking after his mother, at keeping his garden pretty, at building planes or bridges, at inventing a vaccine, or he is the best rock musician ever?
    …. Ok, but how is any of this enhancing my life if it’s all about his own life separated from my life? (A man who puts himself first creates separation).
    In such case his qualities are none of my business and why on earth would I want to reward a man for what he does for himself or his children or the world?
    Who rewards me while I am busy rewarding strangers?
    That would be me minding his business and abandoning myself. Probably giving to get. It never works towards my peace.

    I can be curious to get to know such a man and see what follows. I can tell him I feel admiration about the vaccine invention or about his gorgeous music. (My admiration being part of the rewards life gives him for his achievements). But I treat myself the same way when I am with him than when I am with any other man. I check in my feelings. How do I feel around him? If it feels good (which implies he put his qualities at the service of my comfort) things will evolve on their own. Bingo!
    If he puts himself first, though, I will not feel comfortable. And I won’t date him much longer. As much as I feel admiration for the brain inventing a vaccine or the music, I won’t feel attracted to his heart. I’d next him. My partner in life is the man who feels inspired to bring comfort into my life. I don’t care who he is and what qualities he has. The first quality required is that he feels inspired to participate to my comfort. And if he does, it takes me back to the beginning of this post where I feel gratitude and I show it.

    In short, it seems I am saying the man creates the feeling of gratitude in the woman by his good actions towards her comfort.
    Not the way around.
    The woman does NOT “reward” a man just because he is alive. That’s nurturing. We give to babies, dogs and cats just because they are alive and we want them in our life. Men give to us just because we are alive and they want us in their life. Nurturing is masculine. But us women we wait and see if we feel good in the company of a man before we can feel gratitude.

    If your guy is not doing good enough to participate to your comfort, he is not deserving your gratitude.
    I feel curious if it answers your question.

    Which incidentally takes me back to what Pat Allen says
    “Women are worthy of love just because they exist while men need to do good to deserve love.”
    “Women need to feel good to do good while men need to do good to feel good.”
    When alcohol is involved the whole thing is turned the way around, by the way. With alcohol, the men numb their thinking (they step into their feminine). And with alcohol the women numb their feelings (their protector instinct) (they step into their masculine).

    You also refer to the man as “Clueless”. It’s a different question to me. I can signal a man I don’t feel comfortable because, yes, he might need help to know he could do better or different. But if I told him several times and he does not act on it, then I won’t care to know if he is clueless, or rude or deaf or stupid or selfish or sadistic or uninterested or whatever. All I will know is that I feel bad and it’s not improving. I will stop dating him. I will not “reward” him.


  83.  #83Zara on April 10, 2016 at 8:58 pm

    April Rose

    A peaceful way is to show gratitude for what he does do, as little as he does. Basic education wants you to say thank you anyway, wether it’s a CD or a family member or a neighbour.

    And let go of expectations. Stay in the moment, try to enjoy the date just the way it is evolving. It’s his show.

    And see if your being present and your gratitude opens his heart to want to focus more on you and to do better for you.

    If nothing changes after a few dates, I’d check in with my feelings and I probably would let go off him.


  84.  #84Indigo on April 10, 2016 at 10:48 pm

    I was reading an EMK blog post last night, and whilst I’m not always his biggest fan, I have noticed that of late his advice has become more sensitive and thoughtful, and thus more useful.

    He was answering the letter of a woman who described her boyfriend’s behaviour and how she subsequently broke up with him. EMK was saying that the most basic boyfriend test (and really the most basic partner test) is whether, when you make an emotional request, he turns towards your needs or away from them.

    This put things in such a crystal clear light for me, that I’m going to carry it into my relationship/s from now on. He also said anxious people have a tendency to oscillate between silently seething and then blowing up over a minor transgression, and then taking the blame for the other person pulling away. I can relate to this. When all is said and done, yes we can stand to improve our communication skills and we should, but on the whole, does he turn towards your needs or away from them.

    A bad partner for you refuses your bids for connection. A good partner tries to make that connection happen. Obviously there are compromises in any adult relationship, and no one is perfect, but are you moving toward one another or away from one another? This was so profound for me, and I see now in so many of my past relationships where I took too much of the blame (not all of it, of course I came to see them in context over time) that the man was actually turning away from me when I expressed my feelings. There is not much you can do with a partner like that. I have worked on my own anxiety significantly over the years, and got it quite nicely under control I think, but I have also developed the knowledge to know when the needs inside me require speaking up or action.

  85.  #85Victoria on April 11, 2016 at 1:47 am

    I wanted to comment on a previous post of yours, regarding your new boyfriend wanting to go to Ireland/UK, like you do. I got so excited for your when I read this! I think this is a sign, a great sign, much more important than the numbers in your birthdates. And, I would not advise you to be very practical/pragmatic about it. You are young, you are free, now is the best time for adventure in your life, and here comes a man who can be your partner-in-crime (for lack of better words). This is absolutely fantastic. And, I am pretty sure that you can study pretty much any discipline in the UK/Ireland just as well. By the way, I also love Ireland. I have been to Dublin twice, once for work and once for pleasure, and it is absolutely lovely. So, for what it’s worth, I very strongly support the Irish idea!

  86.  #86Indigo on April 11, 2016 at 4:50 am


    Thank you. That is what my heart is saying. I have loved Ireland for a very long time, and I too adored Dublin when I visited.

    J is very frustrated at work, and we both are frustrated with a lot of the things we are forced to put up with here. We have much bigger dreams for our lives 🙂 I think what just amazed me and scared me was how fearlessly he talked of us doing this together, when we’ve only been dating for a few weeks. Last night he spoke of us having our own island where we are the king and queen.

    We’ll see. I told him that the way will become clear when the time is right and the decision will make itself.

  87.  #87Azure Blu on April 11, 2016 at 5:53 am

    Victoria #85
    Yes Yes!!!

    What a breath of fresh Spring air to hear your strong melody…

    I was going to say to Indigo… regarding J’s ideas of traveling and relocating —
    “Ohhh… be careful… You don’t know him…
    it’s too soon…”
    BUT NO!!!
    Victoria… your thoughts on this, now sound Spot on!!!

    Yes, Indigo you are young!!!
    I took some risks and made some great adventures when I was younger and I am Sooo glad I did!!

    Go for it Indigo… this man sounds like a great partner..
    Of course – it is early in the relationship…
    But He sounds perfect for teaming up with and getting out of your country and doing What YOU have been thinking of!!!

  88.  #88Azure Blu on April 11, 2016 at 6:04 am

    Liquid Light #38

    Was I sharing my scripts for not having s*x too soon?
    How I realized my boundaries around this very early in my dating life…?
    I was married for 20 years, but the rest of the time I have been single (I’m 64yr)

    For me…
    Men usually bring up s*x (and whether I enjoy it) or after a few dates… start kissing and hugging etc…
    and that is when I share with them -how sexy or turned on I feel around them… (if *I* AM turned on)
    and then share my truth… by boundaries… my scripts…
    Men have ALWAYS appreciated that I DON”T have s*x quickly… it has ALWAYS been a turn on for them!

    It’s probably because I let them know how turned on I feel when I’m with them…
    BUT hold my boundaries which are
    – that I need to be exclusive before I have sex
    and that s*x is very precious and intimate for me and I feel it is much better if we wait and get to know each other better.”

    Does that answer your question Liquid L?

  89.  #89Victoria on April 11, 2016 at 6:09 am

    Thank you so much for your kind words! You know I a very pragmatic person, I always weigh the costs and benefits, the pros and cons. However, I do decide with my heart more than with my head, and I have never regretted that. And, I know for sure that I need inspiration, I need magic, I need the belief that ANYTHING is possible in order to grow.
    You need to do the same amount of thinking and research irrespective of whether you go with him or without him. But see, the destiny is not only sending you better and better men, it has also sent you a man to share your Irish dream! Now how cool is that!

  90.  #90Azure Blu on April 11, 2016 at 7:03 am

    Beloved #14
    I’m admiring of how you are prossessing your extracation from Lanky….
    YES… all the compassion for YOU – NOT for him…
    All the understanding for YOU…

    Great practice in holding YOUR boundaries…
    and realizing YOU deserve much MORE
    than lies and deceit and manipulation
    and yOU getting out – while there are NOT as much feelings for him…
    Because he is NOT worthy of your princessness!!!
    Your royal highness! warm pink cashmere soft shawles and huggs marvelous YOU!!!
    Next please!!

  91.  #91Azure Blu on April 11, 2016 at 7:11 am

    Liquid Light #38
    Ohhh… I see what you are saying… does the physical attraction grow…??

    I have to say… I have practiced dating men who I have NOT felt the initial chemistry with…
    whom I knew, were VERY nice guys, adored ME… spoiled ME…whom I had much in common with… and *I* have given it months…. up to 5 months – or off and on for a year…
    BUT, I have to say, the chemistry did not grow…
    of course there were other things…
    Sooo that is my take on it…

    BUT I have read on this blog…
    that others have had the Chemistry grow…

  92.  #92BeLoved on April 11, 2016 at 8:28 am

    Azure – with some clarity I don’t feel he has been deceitful, if anything it has been information overload. He has answered all of my questions openly.
    What stands out to me though, is him saying it was ok for me to be attached to him *as a friend* and me saying, my feelings are stronger then friendship.

    I felt like I needed to really, really listen to that.
    We talked last night and I agreed to a date tomorrow, that he asked me on out of masculine energy.
    I had massive anxiety all night over it – I said I don’t want to be anybody’s mistress. I could feel myself unraveling a little, into suspiciousness and questioning and him feeling tired by explaining. I also noticed myself going into “convincing” behavior, asking why he wasn’t trying to impress ME but he was trying to impress a friend. Ick, ick, ick. That really got me wondering about where this is going for me.

    I felt so awful, like I was going in circles. How the heck did I end back up at square 1, agreeing to a date, after all of that clarity about my “don’t wants”?
    I canceled the date this morning, and he offered to back off. I told him that I don’t really know what I want right now, which was no big surprise to him.

    But, I feel like, maybe I do know what I want and am just afraid to own it.
    What I was also feeling, was because he keeps showing up, keeps being willing to talk, keeps wanting to see me, that I was going along with something that worked more for him than me because he’s the first man in a loooong time whose energy was coming toward me and felt mutual.

    So, idk. I need a breather from all of this intensity. And I’m getting it.

    Believe me, I know all of this is a huge ‘investment’ for a handful of dates and phone calls. I am doing my best to stay present in what feels like a hurricane of thoughts and feelings and be kind to myself about it, processing and releasing all of the old stuff I can, being grateful for the triggers.

  93.  #93BeLoved on April 11, 2016 at 8:32 am

    The biggest thing probably, is that I haven’t been really dating anyone else. I lost sight of CDing for a minute because of moving and school and work all at once.

    I feel totally spun, and all I want right now is to feel centered again.

  94.  #94BeLoved on April 11, 2016 at 8:34 am

    I meant he asked me out after I got leany-forward with some ‘hints’, I was in masculine trying-to-control energy and it felt like total suck.

  95.  #95Azure Blu on April 11, 2016 at 9:10 am

    ahhhh… overloaded with BIG changes…
    Your living arrangement (HOME)
    has been in an upheavel for awhile…
    Soooo stressful…

    I’m glad you have found a place to live!!

    As far as deceitful… I meant…
    He *IS* deceiving quite a few people -I imagine-
    You really DONT know the REAL truth…
    His wife – children/friends etc….
    on and on…

    AND ultimately – married guys end up deceiving
    the “other” woman too!

    You are getting such GREAT practice with holding YOUR boundaries… listening to YOUR feelings,
    Allllll that is FAN tastic!
    Sharing your scripts and your Truth…
    Giving YOU lots of love…

    BUT as you mentioned – Available men
    are REally our BEST practice…
    But being You’re in the middle of turmoil- with school, job and living place…
    I’m like you… I need to wait till I’m a little more settled… or not…
    lovely Goddess!

  96.  #96BeLoved on April 11, 2016 at 9:49 am

    Azure – thank you thank you precious precious friend.
    It’s confusing for him to keep showing up, wanting to talk things out, still willing to hang out with me, but tell me I can only be attached to him as a friend, when my feelings are clearly stronger than friendship.

    To his credit, he offered to back off, he can tell this is hurting me and I totally believe he doesn’t mean to or want to hurt me. I do believe he cares about me to some extent, and I also believe that he’s put his cards on the table and is doing what men do – if they tell us the deal and we continue to go along with what they’ve put out there, they trust that we are ok with the deal.

    Obviously, I am not ok with the deal and I haaaaaate this has affected me so. At the same time, it isn’t really about him, all this same stuff came up with a man I dated several years ago. The huge hit of chemistry brings up all my stuff. I feel I’ve handled it a thousand times better this time around.

    Thank you for the warm soft pink cashmere shawls of loving Azure goodness! I can say it a hundred times but still I can’t tell you how much I appreciate how you *always* see the best in me and the other sirens. It’s so incredibly healing to me to have that positive reflection to help me see myself in a kinder light.

  97.  #97BeLoved on April 11, 2016 at 12:00 pm

    I feel so much better now, I had a good good cry and am packing to move. I was feeling terrified for a few minutes as I remembered all of the times before that I was flip-floppy like this and so scared I was going down a mental illness rabbit hole.

    After leaning back and staying on my horse, I realized all of those times I thought something was wrong with me and I had a personality disorder, were all times I was trying to fit myself into something that didn’t fit. I was busting my own boundaries and shredding myself to pieces to keep the man, who wasn’t any good for me anyway, in my life. I was trying to be who HE wanted, or who I believed he wanted, instead of being the me that I want for me, and of COURSE that would make me feel crazy.

    I love myself so, so so much right now.

  98.  #98LoveToMe on April 11, 2016 at 6:05 pm

    I must confess that I am still not fluent in the expression of vulnerability as strength. I get vulnerable with that intention. But it seems that all I do in reality is display my weaknesses and make myself vulnerable to attack, which many people make full use of that opportunity. And yet I keep trying to be honest and straightforward and as “vulnerable” as possible – and I keep getting attacked and hurt by the people that I choose to trust. And it hurts me and it hurts my progress as I already struggle with the issue of trust.

    How can I really do this? And how can I maintain that strength, as I seem to see so many women able to do – talk about their weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and yet tears in their dignity and boundaries?

    This is a skill I have not mastered yet

  99.  #99LoveToMe on April 11, 2016 at 6:07 pm

    Oops – *retain* (not “tears in.” That makes no sense)

    I wish there were an “edit” feature on this blog.

    An edit button and a “like” button

  100.  #100LoveToMe on April 11, 2016 at 6:09 pm

    BeLoved – having a good cry is so nice.

    I just want to say I resonate with so much of what you said in 97. Thank you

  101.  #101Indigo on April 12, 2016 at 2:41 am

    Azure Blu 87,

    🙂 Thank you 🙂

  102.  #102Indigo on April 12, 2016 at 2:55 am

    Victoria 89,

    Thank you 🙂 I know you are a practical and wise person, and so it means a lot to have your encouragement.

    Yes you are right. And I am an intensely responsible and practical person. I’m also a huge believer and truster in my intuition. I feel that it is what protects me because I am so drawn to new adventures. My intuition keeps me safe. And I so agree and loved what you said. The Universe is not only sending me better and better men – men who are more emotionally available and communicate better and are gentlemen, and are gorgeous, and are intelligent and share my views and interests – but also who want to have adventures with me. The same adventures that I want to have.

    See, I’ve dated adventurous men before. But their idea of adventure is – let’s go run a triathlon for 5 days and take nothing with us but a hoodie and a steel pot. Blegh. I mean adventurous and sporty and fit. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it does absolutely nothing for my spirit. They had their own ideas of what an adventure would be. Whereas I get the genuine sense that J is interested in co-creating an adventure with me.

    I think what amazes me most is how open he is to the idea of commitment and us doing these things together. The very first thing he ever asked me was “Let’s run away together”, and he says stuff like that all the time.

    I had a dream the other night that he and I got married, after only dating for 3 weeks. I made the mistake of telling him that I’d had a dream about him and he would not rest until I told him what it was about. I told him that I was extremely shy and reluctant to tell him what it was, but eventually I did. And he said it was nothing to be shy about, that it was a wonderful dream and asked me if I would like to elope with him to Ireland. I don’t know, he says all of this with such a straight face that it’s hard to tell if he’s serious or not, but I do think he is at least partly serious. He seems to be one of those guys who really wants to be married. He was engaged when he was in his early twenties.

    Such a nice change from all those guys who get a look like they are bracing for a double blow to the face and say “I don’t know, not any time soon” when you ask about marriage.

  103.  #103Victoria on April 12, 2016 at 4:53 am

    It is so wonderful to hear that he treats you so well and says the right things. It is too early for either of you to know whether you are good to be married to each other, but his reaction is so refreshing.
    At the same time, I need to tell you that I had a weird experience with my ex F on that topic. Something like 3 months after we started dating, possibly even earlier, we were talking about marriage in general or some friends being married, I don’t remember any more, and he said, with a very straight face, in between the conversation. “Would you marry me” and I said, “But yes”. And we continued the conversation. And, obviously, nothing ever came out of it. But it was sweet. It is one of the fondest memories I have of him. He always said the right things. Did not follow up with action but it was sweet. I wonder what he’s doing.

  104.  #104BeLoved on April 12, 2016 at 6:10 am

    Love to Me 100 – You are so welcome!
    Once I got the focus back on my own life, I am realizing where a lot of aspects have been neglected. It is helping to meditate on the idea that true love is an inevitability, and I really need to nothing except take care of me.

  105.  #105BeLoved on April 12, 2016 at 6:57 am

    I’ve found this EFT tap on “Getting out of the way of miracles” to be super, super helpful.


    Love is happening, all without me needing to make it happen, my job is to get out of the way. 😀

  106.  #106Azure Blu on April 12, 2016 at 7:00 am

    Beloved!!!! #104
    Wow!!! this is just beautiful….

    ” It is helping to meditate on the idea that true love is an inevitability, and I really need to nothing except take care of me.”
    Love… Love… Love this!!!

  107.  #107Azure Blu on April 12, 2016 at 7:04 am

    Beloved #96
    Feels like a warm summer day, with the soft, warm, southern wind swirling around me…
    calling me your… Precious, precious friend… thank you!!!

  108.  #108Azure Blu on April 12, 2016 at 7:26 am

    LovetoME #98
    Ahhh… it is soo inspiring to hear how you are searching and keeping your heart open to deeper and deeper growth!!!

    You wrote: “I am still not fluent in the expression of vulnerability as strength. I get vulnerable with that intention. But it seems that all I do in reality is display my weaknesses and make myself vulnerable to attack”

    LOVE TO ME…I too used to believe and feel that as I became vulnerable it was SUCH a WEAKNESSS…
    As I tried to share My AUTHENTIC self…
    I was showing NO STRENGTH>>>
    such a woose, such a pitiful person…
    It made me cringe….

    BUT as I read RORI’s tools and that vulnerability
    was actually showing STRENGTH
    I worked at it… step by step… little by little

    Rori says:
    “But vulnerability requires inner strength,
    bravery, and a belief in yourself.
    In order to let someone see who you are inside – especially a man you love –
    you have to be “okay” with yourself.
    Liking yourself is even better.
    And loving yourself gets you the prize!
    Because if what a man sees
    when he looks at you is that you love yourself –
    then he feels compelled to love you, too. He can’t help it.”

    Dominique has this amazing post about vulnerability!!

  109.  #109Azure Blu on April 12, 2016 at 7:57 am

    MORE on vulnerability
    Not sure who wrote this… maybe Rori?
    “the more you continue to go deeply inside yourself to find your authentic self;
    the more you learn to deeply love yourself,
    your physical being, your sensuous parts,
    your quirks and foibles,
    your gorgeous heart,
    ALL of YOU,
    the more you will be able to open your heart
    and revel in and enjoy vulnerability
    as well be able to feel and exude love,
    beautifully and unself-consciously,
    and maybe especially with him.
    And in turn the more he will be inspired by you,
    want to join you for this incredible ride.
    Because he feels increasingly attracted to you,
    the REAL you.
    He feels increasingly safe with you
    because you are being the REAL you.
    ALL of this is hugely enticing, mesmerizing.
    A woman who loves herself so much
    she allows herself to be AUTHENTICALLY REAL
    is enormously attractive, sexy.
    He wants to be around your energy.
    He wants to KEEP this feeling.”

  110.  #110Azure Blu on April 12, 2016 at 9:28 am

    Rori wrote: more about our authentic vulnerable self.

    “Feeling messages about how you felt in the situation, NOT your judgement of it.
    Truest vulnerability would say something like
    “I missed your presence last weekend.
    It feels so warm and fun spending time with you,
    and it would feel great to have more of that.”
    What would be true, authentic and vulnerable
    would be “I felt anxious when I didn’t hear from you. I felt triggered by my gremlins into making up stories.
    I don’t want to do that. I guess I was just covering up admitting how good I feel in your company
    and how at ease and soft my heart feels
    when I feel connected to you. I miss that.”

    “It’s difficult to just be yourself.  
    There’s always a little temptation to be a slightly enhanced, imaginary version of ourselves
    with fewer flaws and more amazing qualities.  
    We often struggle against the lie-
    the belief that others will like us more
    if we could just present a different,
    enhanced version of our true self.
    It’s mentally draining to be someone other than who you really are,
    yet so many of us struggle to let go and truly embrace our authentic self.  
    People throw around that term, “authentic self” quite a bit.  
    What does it actually mean?  
    I’ll tell you what I think it means, and why I think it matters when you’re dating.
    Your authentic self is the version of you that admits you’re trying to be better than you already are.  
    There’s no shame in that, and your partner will actually come alongside you in that meaningful journey if you let him.  
    You don’t have to do it alone. 
    Your authentic self is  willing to be a little afraid now and then.  
    It may have been cool to act like you didn’t care in junior high, but it’s not cool for grown-ups.  
    No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who is completely detached.  
    That doesn’t mean you don’t have fun, and relax, and “have it together.”  
    It just means he can tell some things matter to you, and you’re willing to let him comfort you
    when you get nervous about how those things are going to turn out.
    Your authentic self is also powerful and courageous.  
    You don’t have to pretend you are not a talented, insightful person, aware of areas where you have unusual gifts.  
    False modesty is just another barrier
    that prevents someone from truly walking alongside you in this life.
    Your authentic self is the version of you that emerges when you decide nothing is more important than being honest with yourself and others about who you really are.  
    From that vantage point, you are able to let another human being walk alongside you.  
    He feels encouraged to be his authentic self because “being real” is sort of contagious.  
    When you find another human being who is willing to embrace your authentic self, and his own,
    you experience a kind of bliss that is difficult to put into words. 
    Do you ever struggle with being your authentic self around men (or anyone else for that matter)?  
    If so, tell me why you struggle.  Tell me what makes it difficult to just be you.”

  111.  #111Liquid Light on April 12, 2016 at 9:37 am

    Would love to get your feedback on this one…

    I got a text from K yesterday and he said he wanted to talk, that he had a question for me. I was on a hike but started to get really worried about what he wanted to talk about. We are still in the early stages and just getting to know each other and this was a first.

    So when we talked his question was to find out if I would spend the weekend away with him! He had asked me out for a really fun day outing and I said yes enthusiastically but then he thought it would be fun to go away for the night as well! Yikes! I was taken aback and felt a bit uncomfortable. Its too early for me. Anyway, I said that it felt like a big step and asked him if we could talk about it in person. So we decided we’d talk over dinner on Thursday evening.

    Any suggestions, ladies? Any scripts?

    We’ve only just kissed a bit, that’s about it. And its been only a few weeks, less than a month, that we’ve been seeing each other. I want to wait.

  112.  #112Femininewoman on April 12, 2016 at 9:40 am

    That was a great read Azure. Where did you find these on authentic vulnerable self?

    Thanks for sharing.

  113.  #113Azure Blu on April 12, 2016 at 9:57 am

    FW… #112
    Ohhh… so glad you found them helpful…
    I’ve been collecting Rori’s archives etc. for 3 years now… and posts that Sirens share…

    Because I was soooo struggling, in the beginning especially, with seeing vulnerability as WEAK and NOT strong… and with loving alllllll of ME…
    I saved many posts about this very subject…

    it was so good for me to revisit these again!!

  114.  #114Liquid Light on April 12, 2016 at 10:57 am

    Thanks Azure 88, that is very helpful!

  115.  #115Millie on April 13, 2016 at 7:12 pm

    Hi ladies!

    Thanks to Zara, I have been O-D ing on Dr. Pat Allen’s la talk radio shows!!! OMG I am LOVING all this amazing information!! What is really wonderful for me is that I am a very factual, evidence seeking person by nature who loves to know the “why” behind things. I am naturally an investigator. Hearing her EXPLAIN relationships and hearing her evaluation of each person’s character, all the way back to their family history, is pretty eye-opening. I feel like I can SEE finally, why I am the way I am!!!! I see how I am both my parents and why I approached relationships in the way I did. Two words: My Mother. Now, though I have a way of predicting my own behavior by watching hers and CHANGING my default settings by watching her and also my father. I have a roadmap to ME!!! Yay!!

    I’m also learning so much about how men think and how they function that is different from women, and why we are the way we are as well! I finally have an explanation for how I feel and why how I was communicating wasn’t working. I get it!! Hallelujiah! One of the biggest eye openers that is killing my chasing bug forever is the theory of “Bait and Switch.” Now, why am I only learning about this when I’m almost 30?!!!! Bait and Switch is when a man begins pursuing you, but then withdraws, or contacts you irregularly to see if “you are there.” He baits you by giving you attention, then pulls away irregularly to see if you will CHASE HIM. I’m not sure if men are actually aware that they do this, but I can totally picture how a good-looking man who has women chasing him all the time, would function like this. Honestly, I will never chase a man again after hearing this theory. All those conversations girlfriends have about “why he didn’t call” and “should I call him?” could 100% be eliminated once you know this theory. There is no more “should I call him?” No more.

    Anyway I just ordered three of her books and am so excited to read them!!!

  116.  #116LoveToMe on April 17, 2016 at 7:45 pm

    Azure, I loved those posts, too. Especially the authenticity one. But really all if it.

    LL: I think the most important part of what you said regarding K’s question is, “I want to wait.” Start there (at least fur yourself.) when talking with him, maybe start with gratitude. “Thank you sooo much for inviting me on a weekend with you. It feels like a dream, and it’s something I really want to do. But all of this is so new, and I am still getting to know you. Right now, it would feel good to go on a day trip with you. And down the road, we can do a weekend trip together, once we’ve gotten to know each other a little more. What do you think?” (Sample script.)

    Or maybe you’ve already talked with him. How did it go?

  117.  #117nyx on April 24, 2016 at 6:06 am

    I observe people. A lot. And what I notice is that men or women, when they already ARE in a relationship, quickly learn that they have to show FOUR TIMES as much effort in courting another outside their relationship to get the message through and compete with single ones. Hence, a taken woman walks up to that handsome single guy and starts vigorously rubbing her breasts against him, and that married man floods that single woman with communication and adoration…
    I am sorry- though it is no doubt originating from attraction(take it as validation: you are very attractive!) please open up your eyes for the shy guys who respect you and therefore might be afraid to come on as strongly. They are there, too. Just not that aggressive in their courting. Out of respect.