Having Sex WITHOUT Getting Hung Up On Him

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If you’ve ever felt “hung up” on any and every man you slept with – even though you KNEW he was a lost cause, even though you KNEW he wouldn’t call again, that he wasn’t marriage material, and that your heart would hurt very quickly – here’s some thoughts, jumped off of a comment by Tallulah – Here’s a line from it:

I swear I have ‘fallen in love’ with EVERY man I have slept with

Amazingly, just like everything else – we can “train” ourselves to have a lighter attitude about sex.  The question is – do we really want to? AND…can we hold off just enough, if we’ve got the Tools and the Diva thing down, so that HE’S caught up with us emotionally by the time we have sex?

That’s what I did with my husband – and yet, I had sex with the two men before him who I was actually able – because I was Circular Dating – to NOT get “hung up” on, even though I “fell in love” with them. One after the other.

I was able to see that my “falling in love” was just an old, triggered feeling that felt good – but that it wasn’t going to work in the long term.  I was simply able to put my long term desires FIRST – and that gave me a perspective on everything.

With that perspective, I could handle sex.  I was even prepared to ditch my husband after waiting 4 months, then having great sex with him.  I was determined to serve myself in the highest way – and I wasn’t going to let a little thing like my personal issues with sex get in my way.

We have to choose.  Are we going to let our mistakes and our off-track wanderings derail us permanently?  Or are we going to take what we can – the enjoyment, the pleasure, even the pain from every experiment and experience we choose or have ever chosen to have – and GET BACK and STAY on the track to our Happy Ever After?

Just because we fall off our Horse doesn’t mean we can’t get right back on again.  The Horse knows the way, and she is ready and able and thrilled to take us where we want to go.

So don’t worry about your past, and don’t even worry about your present, or how many more men you may get sidetracked by.

Just get back on the Horse as QUICKLY as possible and don’t spend time reliving and regretting ANYTHING.

In the end, as you get older and older – all those mistakes actually seem like experiences you’re GLAD you had.

Once you’re settled with a man – you can’t be wild and crazy and stupid and messed up and – completely free with some other man.  Take your life for the joy it is.

Just get your priorities straight, map out your route, point your Horse – and GALLOP into your future NO MATTER WHAT.

You can do this.  Missteps are not tragedies.  Sleeping with a man and regretting it is not a step all the way back to “start” on the gameboard of your love life.  And you CAN learn to shift all of these responses.  You can try new things.  You can learn.

If I did – I KNOW YOU can!

Love to you, and Happy New Years!  What ever you do, love it.  And wherever you are, and however you feel – love yourself HARD, give yourself a big hug for me – and I’ll be thinking about you into next year!

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Reshi on December 31, 2008 at 5:26 pm

    I am feeling tense about my online men, and worried. I wrote back to one of the cute ones in a spirit of “ok, better get this job done” and I’m feeling tense, worried that he’ll never call me. Why am I worried? Why do I care if he calls or not, why do I care if I’m ready for him to call or not?

    I want to feel trust in the Universe to bring me the right man at the right time. I want to feel like the whole experience of online dating is FUN and not a job! And yes, I want to feel like I can be wild and crazy and stupid and messed up and completely free. Sexually and otherwise. And that would feel like relaxation, leading to fun, leading to happiness, leading to intense pleasure, leading to bliss. I can feel the beginning of that feeling in my vagina even as my head still feels fear and I still have attention on a man I want to e-mail after I’m done Riffing. And I love my head and my attention, and how my attention can get me where I want to go. And I want my attention to be right here, on me, in my body, in this Riff. I do love myself, and I love myself hard, and I love myself all night long. Even that part of me that says “hey you’re not supposed to love yourself,” I love him all night long. You’d better believe it. I want to feel open and relaxed and warm and vulnerable and, yes, naked. Lying back on a silk rug in my love den, watching him as he approaches with fear and delight. Can I handle opening myself sexually to this man, knowing I may never see him again afterwards? Oh yes.
    He has brought me a small gift, a bottle of massage oil, and starts to slowly caress me and take off my clothes and use it on me. His blonde hair is hanging in his eyes and I melt at his goofy grin. Yes. Now I feel warm and relaxed and trusting. Now I can enjoy just Being with him, just swimming in the sea of the moment. Swimming with a hundred men until the one who can’t live without me yoinks me out of the water. I don’t have to be attached to Tom or Dick or Harry–which is good because I think Harry’s a Nigerian spammer…but can just stay attached to Reshi, be in tune with how she is feeling, and why she is afraid to bloom right here on this New Year’s Eve night. I want her to bloom, to live, to dance, and to touch the hearts of men and women.

  2.  #2Daria on January 1, 2009 at 12:43 am

    Wow Reshi that is beautiful. I think you can publish that as an article or story. wow! I feel hypnotized and awed. I feel totally embarassed for saying that too.

    And I feel goofy! I don’t want to be by myself on new year! But I am. And I kind of DO want to be! I love myself! I am having a dilemma of whether I want to be somewhere else or here lol. This feels fun. Even tho it feels CREEPY (yay I found the feeling) to be by myself like i am a sociopath? Lol. It still feels fun to write about it right now! YAY. I love that I love being by myself now. I had a guy come visit me last nite! YAY he was really cute and just amazingly authentic. Whoa. It was weird, he was so innocent seeming or i dono.. Anyways he talks about his ex all the tiem and they have a daughter together, so I don’t know. So far it doesn’t bother me and I have actually started to talk about my exes with him which I NEVER do with other guys. It is weird he has a very different energy from other guys. It feels fun and energizing. I feel happy I am attracting yay…. I feel good by myself right now! ANd I feel guilty for not taking myself to a party or somewhere nice. I want to feel I am celebrating! Aha ! That’s what I was missing… celebration atmosphere. I feel pinching in my chest. I love my pinching. I miss some of my friends, and people. That is ok. I love myself. Yay. That feels good. I feel good. I feel like I am a young child and I am pleasing myself when I hear I say I love myself. Yay. That feels comforting, it feels like bright eyes and excitement and happy bliss… It feels like YAY!

  3.  #3alias girl on January 1, 2009 at 12:47 am

    the truth is i want to be dating about five guys. the truth is i want to be having sex with three of them. the truth is i want to be the only one they are having sex with (told you i was half man!) the truth is i want romance and gentlemanly behavior. the truth is i am kind of tired of dating guys that don’t spend money on me because they don’t make that much. UNLESS they were still able to be romantic or somehow showed they really really dug me and was trying to win me over.

    the truth is i had a Fantastic day today!

    the truth is i want to be wild and carefree and tak e each moment as it comes. and rori’s right. it will be totally different when (IF) i ever settle down with just one man. i want to enjoy these moments i have now. !

    i feel very excited for the new year. i am really really going to get my circular date ON! i will have to keep reminding myself to call the men by their right name and not get them mixed up! hah! 🙂

    this will be my best year yet. wild and carefree!

  4.  #4alias girl on January 1, 2009 at 1:04 am

    it’s weird. i feel like i’ve switched hats. i feel like i’m the one who wants to still have her fun before settling down. all my life i have just wanted to find THE guy. now i just want to have fun. i want to find my guy still but i don’t want to have to commit to him just yet. i have become all those guys i’ve dated. that feels very weird. i feel powerful. but also there is a risk. bc if i really met a great guy then i woul/’t want to risk losing him if he told me he was going to keep looking for someone to settle down with and was all cool about it and told me to just take my time and he’s was going to continue on with his search. i would feel really scared if i truly thought he was My guy.

    which sort of indicates to me that i wasn’t THE girl for any of my exes. or they really would have had a much harder time letting me go. that makes me feel like crying. how can i love these stupid men so deeply and passionately and be willing to settle (yes i know but it’s the truth) i would be willing to settle in the areas that are very displeasing to me.i feel really desperate. i must be. or why would i accept subpar behavior just to have a man who’s not really a good partner AT ALL? why would i be willing to do that? or would i? hmmm. hard to say. it seems so bc i still WANT them. but i want them to change also. even with my last guy i left him. how is that desparate? ok my actions aren’t desparate but my soul secretly is.
    i just want to be someone’s one and only. but i want it to be good and right.
    i feel sad. not grief. not remorse. not regret. just the sadness that comes with wanting something so desparately and not having it.
    i feel strong for being honest with myself. i love my fierce passionate quest for true love and romance and a healthy relationship. i love that it’s so important to me that it makes me cry. i love that my actions do not reflect my desparation. i love that i am becoming a beautiful godess. i love all that led me to this moment because i got to read reshi’s comment and feel a deep gratitude and amazement.i love the potential and hopefulness i feel that i didnlt really have before finding rori and this website. i love that i am caring for myself and providing everything i nedd to live a life of bliss. i feel immensely grateful.

  5.  #5Maria on January 1, 2009 at 6:47 am

    l picked something up from AG last comment, which relates to my life the same way. l have met some incedible men but it makes me really sad that l was never The Girl. Even to the Love Of My Life. My deep personal drama is that l cant get rid of the fact that maybe lm not that kind of woman by nature. God just didnt give me enough to be The One. There are girls who never have problems with guys, they have the birth given attraction and femininity. And then there is me. Cos all the guys l have met, have enjoyed my personality, yet it has not made me to be The One.
    lm being just realistic here. If anyone feels the same way, letme know, cos from time to time l feel really sad and alone about it. And l dont think will ever be happy and l am scared to meet the next cute guy, just to realize lm not enough. l feel l have no love to give out not to mention sex, yet l want all this. Can u see what l mean?
    Thanks, Maria.

  6.  #6Talullah on January 1, 2009 at 9:02 am

    Maria, I felt compelled to write I totally understand about wanting to be The One. I understand sometimes feeling lonely and alone, really I do. Whenever you feel like that let me know and perhaps we can help each other out of the gloom into the light? You can be happy again, I went through a lot over last few years, I was on my knees sometimes, but remember always life is a gift. No matter how you feel, the Universe put you here for a reason, it loves you and wants you to be happy. Life does not have to be a struggle. YOU ARE ENOUGH, you have enough,MORE than enough! You are amazing, unique, you are a snowflake and you will be THE ONE, one day. I believe we are the result of everything we have thought. Forget what everyone else thinks about you, What about how YOU feel about you? It’s so pathetic to want others to make us feel better about ourselves, but we want that gratification and to feel validated. And I’ve done it with guys who weren’t worth my efforts, It’s a horrible compulsion. You just want to be liked,adored,wanted..to feel better about yourself. 1st date he’s adequate, 2nd date he’s ok, normally this is where I know he’s probably more into me than I am, I start to go all out to make him fall for me! Oh do I go for it, I mean how ruddy ridiculous! It normally works, once I’m in full flow instead of quietly knocking on the door it would be like an invading horde with a battering ram. No wonder they blow hot and cold, they’re attracted but scared too! I’m laughing about it today but 2 days ago I was feeling very,very sorry for myself. Is it to do with ‘being that kind of woman’? There aren’t many girls who don’t have ANY issues with guys and it’s nothing to do with attraction or femininity either. It’s about belief and attitude. Even the most ‘beautiful’ women aren’t perfect, we all have insecurities. Most women are average aren’t they? But they are all unique. Average is not ‘bad’, the women you see in movies and magazines etc are the EXCEPTION TO THE NORM. We all have imperfections (or quirks as I tell myself!) I was horribly shy as a child, fat and spotty as a teenager and as an adult I am frankly average. Some days I look at myself and I am horrified, I think I must be mad to think anyone would want me. But when I turn my mind to it I can attract people including men. When I turn on the charm, when I am interested in other people,when I flirt and have fun I am like a magnet. I swear if I can do this so can you, I wasn’t ‘born with it’. Boyfriends, friends and strangers honestly think I am attractive, feminine and sexy..it’s crazy because if they knew how I really feel sometimes they’d never believe me. My nasty voice keeps trying to tell me about all the stupid things I have done, how fat my tummy is, how I must have been actually rubbish in bed, that he will tell our mutual friends that I am a sham and a bunny boiler and other things which mean I will die alone and unloved! So I have been shouting at my nasty voice for 2 whole days and when that isn’t working I am drowning it out with comedy DVDs and rock music! Take care of you Maria x

  7.  #7Talullah on January 1, 2009 at 10:11 am

    Oh how rude of me! I meant to say huge thanks Rori for the advise about having sex without getting hung up on him. It was a big big help. Baby steps, today I am so much better. By the way I am in process of writing a love song, what do you think? It’s called:
    ” I Think I Love You-Or, it could be the Oxytocin,a neuropeptide that plays a crucial part in unlocking the heart and deepening feelings of attachment scientists agree. It’s is released whenever the cervix is stimulated by penetrative sex and after orgasm; combined with the adrenaline, dopamine and seratonin that are also produced whenever we are together” I hope with some luck it could be No1 downloaded song for Valentines Day ;O)

  8.  #8alias girl on January 1, 2009 at 1:45 pm

    maria as you said in an earlier comment it really is no coincidence you are here. by that very statement and just the fact that you are here is a GUARANTEE you are up for some changes. you Will be shifted.

    i’m not sure if you have rori’s ebook yet but it is a good place to start. it will give you the fooundation to begin practicing the tools. even if you are not dating yet you can practice the language and tools in your daily life. it is not a requirement that you be dating to practice the tools. and with the programs there are so many different tools to use that are offered you are bound to find some you really like. or even on this blog some have been mentioned.

    also there is the Power and Self esteem series. you can find the topic on the right hand side bar of this blog. click on it and start from the beginning post and Work your way through from the beginning one. also if you read the comments of other people you will see how rori tweaked their process. or more recently if you notice in one of the posts daria (the expert riffer) tweaked cassandra’s process and she had a major breakthrough.

    the tools will shift you to a higher plane and raise your self esteem so you can start feeling better about yourself. i believe if you start WORKING the tools you will feel a difference and notice a shift in your energy and ability to attract what you really want.

  9.  #9Reshi on January 1, 2009 at 2:01 pm

    I’ve noticed with online dating that often the guys who send back the “not interested” reply are the ones where I was like “OK, I’ll send him a wink for shits and giggles but I’m not really feeling it.” And more often than not, the ones who are devastatingly handsome write back, and quickly. (I don’t follow Rori’s advice of putting up a gorgeous profile and letting them find me, I haven’t liked the ones who find me. They are either too old, too dumb, or live really far away, so the only thing I get to practice is rejecting them. That said, if I wink and a guy winks back and doesn’t send me an e-mail, he’s toast because I won’t write the first e-mail.)

    I’m noticing how I can get all wrapped up in any attractive man who writes to me. I can seriously get as hung up as if I’d had sex with him, if he’s pretty enough. I feel as stupid if I say some dorky thing and cause him to walk away as if I’d had sex with him and he didn’t call. I want to make him like me. I want to make him approve of me. I feel like I’m not enough. Obviously I AM enough or they wouldn’t be writing. It’s this awful “ugly complex” that I have without reason. I know I’m not ugly. Without fail, when I go to a party, gorgeous women I’ve never met walk up and tell me that I’m beautiful. But it’s a fact that a lot of men just simply aren’t attracted to my type.

    Or at least, I THINK it’s a fact. Because the guys who only like tall, thin, and blonde, who seek some ideal of perfection based on measurements and cup sizes–those are the guys that are VOCAL about their preferences. And they’re assholes. Sizing us up like we’re a new car. So I’ve got this complex that attractive guys wouldn’t ever be interested in me, and it’s all because I was in the same room with some loudmouthed assholes several times over the past several years.

    The guys we want–or at least the guys I want–aren’t sitting with their friends picking apart our body types within earshot of us. They’re spiritual-minded guys, they see beauty in all its different forms. And those guys, I’m finding, are attracted to me as often as not, as impossible as my mind makes it out to be.

    Now I can put up my walls and make them quickly lose interest, and then say they weren’t attracted to me to begin with, and make myself right and miserable…or I can jump in and get vulnerable and see what happens. There’s so much fear swimming around in my head, some of it about these men, some of it about the fact that I’m still married. I have to remind myself that my status is out there in the open as “Currently Separated” for everyone to see, so if they are writing to me, then they either know and are OK with it, or they can’t read and I don’t want to talk to them. The blocks, as always, are strictly within me.

    Happy New Year to all!

  10.  #10alias girl on January 1, 2009 at 2:17 pm

    ok i feel really scared to try this. ah i feel scared. hah. i feel like i am at the top of the roller coaster. aah! i feel embarrassed. i feel self conscious of my spelling errors. i feel frozen. ah imperfection and fear of making a mistake freezes me. ah interesting discovery to my oft felt frozen syndrome. i feel like i want to distract myself. that’s not a direct feeling. i feel avoidance. i feel like a strict parent.i feel lacksadaisical. talk about mispelling! i feel anger! rrrrrrr i feel like rowring. rowr! hah. i feel cute. i feel horny. hah. good. i felt worried for a while i was losing my sex drive. i feel trapped in my mind. i feel ah an attempt at a deep breath. i feel annoyed at the sound my heater is making. i feel lonely. i feel smart. i feel like rupunzel. i feel anticipation. i feel crackling in my neck. i feel like lying on my back and just doing a snow angel. a non moving snow angl. i wish i were angelic. i am so masculine inside. i feel rowr! hah. i love that i can makeself giggle. it makes me feel infatuated with myself. hehe. i love making myself chuckle. i feel like a failure at this. i am comparingmyself to the level of scientist/alien daria who can track her feelings with precision.

    i feel love for you women on this site and that makes me want to slash your tires. hahahah. i love when i make myself laugh. i feel embarrassed and my self praise. haha. omg. i feel annoying. i feel self judgement. all my feelings are coming from my mind. where are my body feelings?

    i feel like my vagina is like ms pacman and could just eat up mens penis and not get enough. hahahahah. i feel embarrassed. yet simultaneously self amused. i feel my vainga seems to want to be the center of attention right now when i tune into my body. ok.i feel great hunger in my vagina. i feel neglected in my vagina needs. i feel like i am a walking vagina.my body has morphed into one big vagina. that would be a scary site. how do you dress for that? i feel angry. i feel like my vagina keeps calling me back. pay attention to me. listen to me. feed me! hehe. i feel bad i just laughed at my very realy needy vagina. i feel apoloogetic.

    i feel lazy. i feel immobolized. i feel angry. i feel angry. i feel like someone should take care of all these details for me. i feel like royalty without the funds. hehe. i feel annoying that i keep finding my own jokes funny and laughing at them.rowr! my vagina feels like rowring too. i feel rageful. ? i feel too warm temperature wise in my apt. i feel like an egomaniac. i feel rageful. i feel like mommie dearest.

  11.  #11alias girl on January 1, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    i feel like i am onto something and want to continue. i feel overflowing with gratitude. i feel biting lip. i feel typing fingers. i feel unfoccussed eyes. rrrrr. i want to focus my eyes more. i feel diffusive. ? i feel unfoccusssed in general. i feel like i have the power of a young olympian athlete in my body. i feel ecstatic about that. i feel fierce. i feel mean towards men. i feel neediness towards men. i hate my neediness. i love that i hate my neediness. i feel rrrrrrrr. i feel like there is so much power in my body and it is just waiting for the right conditions. like a flower bud just before it blooms. i feel like i just want to have a lzy day of sex all day. WITH A MAN. i feel bored with masturbation. i feel like a dog wanting to naw a bone. omg i feel really embarrasssed. rgh. rgh. rgh. i like that when i feel embarrassed my pirate comes out. i’ve got a pirate a shlub a goddess a queen and an orphan girl living inside me. can’t we all just get along. i feel i am channeling rodney king. just kidding. i would date rodney king and i’ve never even heard him speak. ok. you see where i get into trouble with this picker of mine. i feel completely emrbarrassed with this kind of free flowing riff. ugh.

    still i am having trouble connecting to what my Body feels. i feel energy in the soles of my se feet. i feel pulsing energy in the soles of my feet.i feel shyness in my toes. my toes always scrunch up in shyness. i feel awkward. i feel like i am not in an intimate relationship with my body.i feel curious about that

    i feel lke my body is sperate from my mind. like two diffrent jurisdictions that are not neccesarily working together. i feel a desire for integration. i feel i have written too much. i feel selfish. i feel like i want to take it all back. i feel grateful.

  12.  #12Reshi on January 1, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    I want a Ms. Pac Man vagina too…

  13.  #13Daria on January 1, 2009 at 3:27 pm

    I am so surprised and (gladly) delighted with discovering the feelings of embarassment and worry. I realize that when I do something and I think…uhoh… maybe that won’t turn out right… that wasn’t doen exactly perfect… etc. … That feeling is Worry! HI Worry!
    I love how often I can notice worry during the day. I notice I feel worried brushing my teeth, getting up out of bed, making a phone call! YAY! And now that I notice worry it’s like my acknowledgement allows me to move past her and she melts. YAY!

    I also notice the feeling embarassment! HI Embarassment! Embarassment often leads to Panick which leads to Paralysis. Embarassment pinches my face, my chest, my butt, my arms, hands and shoulders. Embarassment loves my body! I love Embarassment. When I think… ew that is disgusting about myself, how could I do somehting so gross, stupid, when I self-judge and think that people would think I’m annoying, when I think that I am being manly or creepy or old and witchy I feel Horror and Embarassment. I love it! I love that I can name this feeling! OHHH it feels so good to name it and know it and know it is simply a feeling of mine. I feel I can talk to myself! I can let myself know that even though I feel Horror and Embarassment I am ok… and even that it is ok… and there is no real need to feel this way in this type of situation and that it is very cute that I do feel this way! I would definitely want to feel Horror and Embarassment in an appropriate situation, for example if I decided to kill people and eat them. OR not? I feel worry! LOl this feels great! Hehe.

  14.  #14Daria on January 1, 2009 at 3:35 pm

    Oh yes I would like to feel my Vagina more too! I would not have even thought of feeling my vagina or that I could feel it without AG! Thanks AG! My vagina feels sloppy and lazy. I feel worried… I feel sad… I feel scared… I feel good? I feel surprised… I feel alert… I know I will have a great time doing the Rori Dance Position when I can actually feel my pelvis and vagina as my dominant feelings. THAT will take me out of my head! Right now on my way down from my head I get stuck in my chest which feels tight, it feels worried and sometimes in my solar plexus, which feels afraid, feels paralyzed, and if I go lower to my belly it feels sloppy, it feels like crying and throwing itself into the bed… And ifffff I try to go lower to my pelvis I feel my head tensing… I feel back in my head… hmm… my pelvis must be hiding a treasure! I will get there… and that is ok pelvis by the way… I love how elusive you are. Thanks. This is going to be a very fun game. I will discover you like a man would lol! YOU are SO Cool! I feel gross and I feel embarassed that I would discover you likea man would. EWWW I feel horrified a little bit. I feel repulsed. I feel no no no… I feel a little desperate… I feel worried, big worrry! Yay… and I feel smily… Hi smily… Big smily more smily!… My pelvis feels warm. My vagina feels… soft and sloppy… I feel disgusted, I feel embarassed worried, I feel WORRIED… I feel relieved… I want to love my vagina. Vagina I love you. I love feeling that you are soft and sloppy, I love my revulsion and nausea and the tightness around my right eye and the pinching in my butt… I love my feeling of panic. I love my sighing… I feel panicked. My vagina is not used to being felt I guess… she is sending me lots of feelings. I feel tight in my mouth… I feel intense… I feel interested… I feel concentrated… I feel a little worried… I feel sighing… I feel I am on to something here too…

  15.  #15Erika on January 1, 2009 at 4:52 pm

    Something really liberating happened to me over the past few days.

    I realized that it’s only my ego that cares whether I’ve had sex with a man and wants to attach meaning to it. My higher self realizes it’s inconsequential.

    By paying attention to that higher self part, I’m able to feel very detached and make decisions based on my feelings (is this interaction feeling good to me or not right now?) … without regard to whether I slept with a man or not. This is new for me and very liberating.

  16.  #16Rori Raye on January 1, 2009 at 4:56 pm

    Erika – There you go!!! The “sex” is actually quite insignificant compared to your ability to LEARN to tell what feels good and what doesn’t. This is the key to “adventure” and experimenting – all my 6E’s from my programs – Explore, Experiment, Experience, Engage, Express, Expand.

    This is about LIVING – not about “analyzing” what you’ve lived.

    Anyone seen “Benjamin Button”? For me, this was utterly profound – a meditation on what it is to live a good, meaningful life. You simply can’t KNOW what that meaning is. You can only live it, with the best wisdom and choices you can make as you live. Love, Rori

  17.  #17Daria on January 1, 2009 at 6:12 pm

    I have a terrible voice. That is ok because I know it can get better. I remember when I was a terrible dancer and everyone or somepeople or somebody at least said that I was naturally ungraceful and basically that would mean I couldn’t be good. And when I couldn’t do the splits in kindergarten (for gymnastics). And I really liked dancing and even though my cousin said I’m off rhythm and even other people still say it sometimes I am a really good dancer. Lol. I feel shame. I feel like I made it seem like I’m not a good dancer. I feel heavy hearted. I feel my mouth frozen. I feel frozen! Whoa how weird… these parts of my body actually FREEZE IN PLACE from certain feelings. THat is freakin awesome… what am I some kind of alien> > wow human beings are awesome loool… ok I feel good now obviously… YAY I feel inner laughter and a big smile on my face… ok… I feel rushed… I feel like I want real laughter, like inner laughter is not enough, and ?I feel like a weirdo for not going to have margaritas with my friend who’s at teh bar… hmmm ok I want to go there… I feel like I’m having a lot of fun right here tho too… hmm… I feel tense… I feel stuck… I feel my heart beating… I feel sighing …. I feel good… hehe… It feels like someone is rushing me and pulling me to hurry up get ready Go… lol… It feels fun to keep on sitting here while they are freaking out! LOl (people in my family freak out before they have to go somewhere together…yelling and angry about where stuff is who is not ready who was ready first… lol… major tension the bigger the trip the more lol) It feels so amusing… I hate that I am late and that got me a problem at my old job,.. or really gave them an excuse not to give me a raise even though I still should have gotten it because I deserved it and I am a really good teacher and basically helped build their center plus my 2 (MALE) colleagues got it although that doesn’t have too much to do with it because most likely they would have done the same …

  18.  #18alias girl on January 1, 2009 at 9:02 pm

    so i was out and about today and since my circular dating is a little light (zero) on men i thought i would back step and move things to a place were i can actually get results. so my new thing is what i mentioned before way back with my revelation about how i exclude cute guys or guys that i would actually be interested in from my vision. i literally (well now obviously not literally) but i make them invisible. so all i’m left with is a bunch of duds roaming around.

    so my beginning steps are
    1) notice all the cutie pies. today i actually started counting them that was pretty fun. LOTS.
    2) making extended eye contact. and this i can practice on even the duds (i feel mean calling them duds. they’re not really duds. theylre just not my type but calling them duds feels more fun)

    so i did both of these things today and now i feel much more successful (my man side is beating his chest over having ACHIEVED something) i think this is the place to start for me.also i can add using feeling messages with clerks and stuff just for the practice bc in real life interactions my feeling messages fly right out the window.

    i am going to get boyfriends this year! but since this seems too big a goal at this point when i can’t even get dates i’ve decided to start smaller. 🙂 i feel good about my new plan. 2009 has begun!

    also i’ve been thinking about all the options out there:

    one night stands. casual f buddies, friends w benefits, perpetual circular dating, circular dating with goal of getting boyfriend, serial monogamist, life partner, marriage. polyamory.

    what do I want?
    i’m not sure yet. maybe i’ve never really been sure. i will be considering all these as i would like to make a decison. i can’t manifest something if i keep changing my mind or am not clear on what i want.

  19.  #19alias girl on January 1, 2009 at 9:08 pm

    oh i forgot option of celibacy but i do NOT want that. NO. i am definitely one hundred percent sure about that. probably why i forgot to include it in the list but i wanted to add it just now so other people considering their options have that added. blech. ew. celibacy. i’ve already had my dose of that. NO.

  20.  #20alias girl on January 1, 2009 at 11:18 pm

    i feel hoggish that i keep commenting blah blah blah me blah blah mememe.

    so i keep thinking about erica’s comment and it rings a bell for me about he way i think about orgasms. i have a little hang up about having orgams with a man bc i feel embarrassed to get mine. i feel scared and embarrassed and selfish. but these are all just things my mind made up.

    i can ask for a glass of milk if i want milk. i can show someone how i want a picture hung on the wall. i can look unfeminine while working out.

    so why can’t i want an orgasm? why can’t i show someone how i like it? why do i care what i look like when i am orgasming?

    i feel completely horrified writing this. omg. i feel like i want to crawl in a cave and wither away. i feel ridiculous and embarrassed.

    i feel embarrassed! argh.ay there matey!

    i have an inner slut seductress godess self and i want to set her free (with the right man. men?) (meaning i don’t have a desire to be promiscuous. i just want to set her free with guy (s?) i like, respect and trust.)

    yes! i want to set my inner slut seductress godess free.!

    i feel like i am going to spontaneously combust with terror and embarassment for having written this! argh!

  21.  #21Maria on January 2, 2009 at 2:30 am

    Here is what l think – you can handle sex like that (described in the post) when you are ready.

  22.  #22Caj13 on January 2, 2009 at 5:19 am

    Alias Girl – Thank you SO MUCH for writing that about orgasms! You are definitely NOT ALONE with that kind of crap hangup. Yeh – omg what do (would) I LOOK LIKE ….. if.. no, let’s be more positive here, when I’m getting there? Who the f cares! We do unfortunately – how silly of us. Embarrassment and Worry! Can you imagine a guy embarrassed about the feeling he gets coming or worrying what the hell he LOOKS like!!!? Just the opposite – he goes into a tailspin when he CAN’t. Oops – here I am analyszing and thinking about him Out creep, ‘s not yer turn! We FEEL because we ARE so damn vulnerable in those moments, and know we’ll remain so for some time afterward. Completely out of control! Hah – really need absolute TRUST here – in him sure BUT REALLY IN OURSELVES. To be exposed, blissful, out of it cuz so INTO OURSELVES, and for receiving this from/through another.

    Let’s turn this ‘what do/would I look like’ around. I’d look like myself, a real woman having my real orgasm. How’s that supposed to look? Like me, like mine. Not the ones I’ve faked, not the ones in porn, not the real or faked ones of some other chick, not the one he imagines (or does he even bother, even if he really does sincerely try to pleasure his partners to satisfaction – His junk, so let’s not go there, either). Maybe it won’t look like anything, just me feeling that maelstrom inside. Maybe like a silly embarassed smile or laughing (I always get into trouble laughing (I’m not exactly a cut-up, so it doesn’t jive with my usual style) and ‘have’ to explain (to make him feel better yuck) that it’s ‘audible smiling’ cuz I just feel SO good that crinkly mouth corners aren’t enuff). Would it help at least the do-gooders among us to think we’d be doing a service to womankind in allowing ourselves to be ‘seen’ / ‘felt’ how it really is?

    Not too sure about your song yet, Tallulah. Have you worked on the rhythm? Daria and Cassandra can help you tweak it with their deep emotional and musical understanding so it’ll be the smash Valentine’s hit you’re aiming at.

  23.  #23Talullah on January 2, 2009 at 6:03 am

    You lot are brilliant, thank you all for sharing,I’ll be honest I don’t get the riffing (?) stuff yet, I feel odd,like a gatecrasher at some weird Masonic gathering. I’m waiting for a parcel from UPS so I’ll catch up soon. A few days ago I was in a pit of self loathing and gloom, I am still having the odd ‘what if’ and anxious moments but your generosity is really helping me out of it. Erika, that was a light bulb moment for me too about The Ego and our Higher selves). Which reminds me I never finished Ekhart’s book..Oh and Alias Girl, when your ready for sex like you want it, seriously forget about the orgasm, just enjoy experiencing the right here and right now (his hand here, my lips there etc.) The journey is as exciting as the destination. How you look when you come won’t bother him,read some things that guys write,they’d have us believe they want us to scream the house down (his name!) and if they’re very lucky shatter into a million pieces! They just want you to be happy (or put another way to make you come). One bf told me I look like I am possessed, another told me I look upset. I just said “Christ thanks for that, and I thought I looked like a movie star! It felt so good, what did you do to me?!?, I was so carried away, because you are sooo amazing, that I couldn’t keep my face rigid,note to self, I need more botox. Sorry, what’s my name?” They’re just worried in case you weren’t enjoying it. Also, if you want to why don’t you get your slut/pirate/wench goddess out anyway,not just with THE ONE. She’s driving you crazy! Slutty-piratey-goddess-woman is not promiscuous, she’s just rude and naughty and a bit misunderstood I reckon. I let mine out, she’s great fun,she’s high maintenance though, all the ruddy thigh high boots and lingerie (there’s a credit crunch you know!) She’s got a lovely little sister too who is a bit shy and demure (and less expensive) and some other friends who come out sometimes, the guys love them all!

  24.  #24Tallulah on January 2, 2009 at 6:17 am

    Caj13, Hi! Absolutely 100% echo what you say. Stop worrying what HE thinks! Most of the time they’ll be looking for a bit of ego stroking from us afterwards, that it was good enough,did you come, are you ok,you look like you were possessed (ok nasty voice get outta here!) so don’t worry about it or him. Just get your freak on! Erm, the rhythm is somewhat eluding me, I cannot get the Osmonds out of my head long enough to get it nailed.

  25.  #25Tallulah on January 2, 2009 at 7:54 am

    Help? please? I’ll try and keep it very abridged and to the main points.The guy I was seeing was introduced to me by my friend (who is also my colleague). I told him I think he has a crush on her. They have known each other for years, he is ‘dear,sweet,lovely’ and cannot put a foot wrong with her. I told him that he’s been blowing hot and cold, he said he wasn’t so I told him that our mutual friend’s husband had told me he though he was. He finished it. I think he went to theirs for New Years eve,she sent me a text saying she hoped I was ok and would like to meet up (before he would’ve been at the house) since then she has not been in touch. No happy New Year, no when are we meeting, no how are you? He has not been in touch. I feel really worried that he has told them what I have said. I feel angry if he has because I don’t want there to be any bad feeling between any of us, I don’t want my private ramblings and musings and conversations with him out in public, not with someone who is a friend but who also works with me. If he did it would’ve been completely out of context for her. I didn’t want to make contact with him but wondered if I should send this text to him. Or should I re-word and send it to her? or what?? Bugger! I’ll call her Bree. text: “I feel like there is something ‘wrong’ with me and Bree since New Yrs eve.I don’t want there to be any atmosphere between her and me,as we are all friends.I want everyone to get along.I want to know if there is something I should know about pls, so that I can talk to her.What do you think?” Any ideas?

  26.  #26Caj13 on January 2, 2009 at 8:17 am

    Side note: a lot of that porn/erotic “literature”, even the supposed letters from male readers, is actually written by women! I even know a very successful US authoress of this genre. She often worked under male pseudonym, (tho’ these days the hardest stuff is more likely signed by the ladies in their real name). So if you’re looking for the horse’s mouth, ask your horse. ‘Real men’ don’t read much about this, and write in even less, they just look at the pictures. (The younger ones who are poking around trying to find out “what it’s like” wind up feeling totally inadequate if their GF isn’t climbing up the walls and annoying the neighbors with her cries.)

    Tallulah, thanks for your “educational comeback” to that guy – how frustrating that we always get snookered into making it about HIM, and then feel even worse about ourselves (don’t they realize their strain was showing?). ‘S true – many men (proven scientifically) have an absolute incapacity to read facial expressions, so thank heaven and Rori that we have Feeling Messages! But I say, don’t let his angst spoil our mood. Let’im wonder for awhile – we can reassure him with those feeling words in our own sweet time.

  27.  #27Caj13 on January 2, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    Tallulah – Just came back on and saw your query from earlier. These posts tend to get crossed sometimes. I’d leave the fellow completely out of it. And phone rather than text Bree. It’s probably nothing with her – she’s just doing her life, or perhaps she was a little miffed to be only three when she thought there’d be a foursome for New Year’s? Perfectly normal to call her with your NY’s greetings and eventually apologize for having to decline the evening together at the last minute. You’ll be able to pick up any vibe or ask her directly. Just my 2cts/pence.

  28.  #28alias girl on January 2, 2009 at 2:14 pm

    tallulah, i woud agree with caj 13. i would leave him out of it too. just call say happy new year. i called/txted some friends this new years who haven’t gotten back to me yet. people get caught up.

    thank you both caj 13 and tallulah on your responses to orgasm. i feel so much more at ease now. 🙂 I can’t wait to get my freak on! hehe

  29.  #29alias girl on January 2, 2009 at 2:53 pm

    i feel rageful. i feel sad. i feel upside down. i feel like i just want to check out of my life and into someone else’s for a bit. i feel like i want to be saved. i just want to be hugged all day. i just want attention and love and to be in someone’s arms. i feel sad. that feels like my whole face just dropped an inch. i feel unworthy. i feel like punching the air. i feel frozen. that feels like someone put a cylinder of heavy steel in the center of my body and i can’t move. i feel constricted in my chest.

    i feel hopeless. not hopeless. i feel disappointed. no disappointed. i feel what is the word? i feel like a failure? no. i feel incongruent. that’s it. i feel my life is incongruent with my true self. argh.

    I feel like i am crawling on hot dessert sand and i just need a drink of water and all i see is miles and miles of scorching hot sand all around me.

    i feel like crying but i ‘m not. i feel angry. i feel like punching the air like i am punching a speed bag for boxer’s. i feel misunderstood. i feel alone. i feel lonely.

    ahhhh….. that’s it. i feel lonely. i wish i had a best friend. i don’t think i ma a very good friend. i think that is why i don’t have a best friend. well, hello tears. i knew you were there. i feel angry. thank you anger. i love you. i love you loneliness. loneliness is my best friend. i feel pathetic. my mother was pathetic. ugh. i feel utterly disgusted. i love my self disgust. i love my mean jabs at myself. i love my hatred. i love my rage. i love the miles and miles of seperation i put between myself and other humans that keeps me feeling lonely.

    i love my self pity. i love all the ways i try and keep myself stuck. i love my old neruopathways that are just easy and comfortable and i can be lazy and feel bad and sorrowful or i can perk up and put my back into it and create a NEW HAPPY UPLIFTED EXCITED ENTHUSIASTIC UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING READY_TO_GET_MY_FREAK_ON new neuropathway. ah that sounds way more fun.

    anthony robbins says we can choose to feel whatever feeling we want in any moment. ok. good. thankyou new year. i am not giving up on me! I am 100% committed to me! Ah yes, the commitment i have been searching for my entire life. finally. 🙂

  30.  #30Daria on January 2, 2009 at 3:01 pm

    Tallulah I thought your song was hilarious! I was trying to sing it yesterday lol… I’m in love with youuuuu or it could be the oxytocin… a neuropeptide produced when the cervix is stimulated hahhahaha i love it.

    As far as riffing, there is a method to the madness, and Rori describes it in a few step by step posts. Go on the right hand side of this blog and do each of the Power and Self-Esteem series posts and then you will be caught up.

  31.  #31Linda on January 2, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    Okay… I pin here to burst the bubble…..You know girls, when you have casual sex or any sex for that matter.. it creates a tie to your soul with that person.. a “soul tie” if you will. Those ties happen whether you want them to or not. You might think it is nothing but there are things that happen in our spirits that cant be seen but they are sure felt!…..a person could end up getting quite knotted and then your are a hostage to them. I may be old fashioned here but look before you leap or should i say sleep! My sexuality is a treasured precious commodity and… I am the only one that can protect it. A moment of bliss is not worth the fall out later in my opinnion!… care for yourselves !


  32.  #32Tallulah on January 2, 2009 at 3:18 pm

    Thanks for taking time out for the advice girls. I was having a bit of a nasty voice moment. I’m full of cold and have a bloody awful sore throat and not being at work gives me too much time to think about stuff. I am having a bit of an Epiphany about what’s going on with him i.e:who cares?! It’s quite liberating! but a part of me feels a bit ‘bad’ about it, I have always tried to ‘fix’, heal, repair my relationships. It’s a bit like going cold turkey for me. I have a feeling I will have to burn the oars and my rowing boat just to be on the safe side.

  33.  #33Maria on January 2, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    More than agree with Linda with what she says.

  34.  #34Cassandra on January 2, 2009 at 3:45 pm

    First of all…AG…I just want to run to wherever you are and give you a HUGE hug and just let you know taht you are so TRULY LOVED..with the light and happy emotions and even the soup! You are such an amazing Goddess and just having the honor to follow your porcess is such a huge gift to all of us..thank you for sharing your heart, your joys and your struggles with us. You really are a gift!! I am so excited about what this year holds for you and I can’t wait to hear about all of the great things….and MEN that are coming your way! 🙂
    Linda….thank you too for your post. As much as I loved Rori’s post and do agree that it is indeed possible for some people to separate themselves and just enjoy the moment, the experience, the expriment, etc….I personally agree with you about those soul ties. For me…they are so real and perhaps that is why I have had such a hard time with what I have been going through…not knowing if Charles and I are indeed going to get married one day as planned…..we are already connected by those very soul ties and of course I want to remain that way and be his wife and be able to share that part of me with him for the rest of our lives. For me, that kind of connection with a man is SO NOT only physical. When I am physical with a man I am totally incapable of separating my spiritual and physical experiences in that way and therefore knowing that about myself have to be so careful who I share that part of my life and body and spirit with. Now with that being said…I hold no judgement whatsoever on someone who IS able to separate the two and believe me….I wish that I could do that!!! wink wink 🙂 For me though making love to a man or him making love to me whichever you want to call it is such a spiritual thing as well as the physical that of course then it also becomes emotional for me..in a good way..well most of the time anyway. Even to this day..I still feel a sort of connection if you will to men that were in my life in the past so I know what you mean about those ties and for me anyway…..they are quite real. Sometimes I wish that I could just enjoy the moment but personally, I am not wired that way.
    Love and hugs to all…..

  35.  #35Cassandra on January 2, 2009 at 3:50 pm

    Tallulah…YAY!!!! I am sorry that you are feeling so awful but I am so excited tohear that you are going to burn those oars! You deserve so much better than having to row that boat yourself! ONce you get into the self esteem series..i am going through it all for the second time and it is helping me SO SO SO much…you will feel so much better and what HE thinks will not longer matter to you….what YOU think will be the priority. I am not there yet but with each day I find that a few more of Rori’s tools come to mind in a given situation and are becoming ‘part of me’ so I know that they will help you so much. Best wished to you and know that we are all here for you!
    With love and a huge hug…..

  36.  #36Tallulah on January 2, 2009 at 4:28 pm

    Beautiful Ladies,Goddesses (and the Piratey one at the back!) Thank you all, I am so so glad I found this site, you are all fabulous. Daria, thanks for the pointer for the self esteem series, I am going to get stuck in. I am so excited about the potential 2009 has in store and I shall share royalties with everyone of you for I Think I Love You…” We shall be rich beyond our wildest dreams! It is time for some duvet duty in the UK, so armed with cough mixture and plenty of pain killers I bid you all goodnight and lots of love x

  37.  #37Reshi on January 2, 2009 at 4:51 pm

    Well, what the f*ck?! I was just sitting down at my computer, wanting to do a Riff on the 3 beautiful men who are constantly triggering me lately–and I noticed in my e-mail that I just received a Facebook friend request from my first boyfriend from college. Now this mofo treated me disrespectfully, pressured me sexually, and then when I dumped him was absolutely heartbroken, made me feel awful and guilty–then continued to hit on me for the next 3 years. I just checked out his picture, I’m even more physically repulsed by him than I was back then. Why is he showing up in my life now? There has to be a reason.

    I feel scared that I’m being forced backwards, being pushed down the mountain into the arms of this cockroach-like creature that I despised. I feel scared of what my other friends will think if I accept his request. I feel curious about why he decided to contact me in the first place, and what he might say to me.

    My gut feeling after contemplating the matter in the shower is that perhaps it was just to show this: Men come back. I’ve recently been introduced to a process called Ho’oponopono (google it, it’s really really interesting), which involves taking 100% personal responsibility for EVERYTHING in the world–and then when we see something we don’t like, or get triggered, we say to the Divine, “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.” I’ve been doing this over the last couple days every time I’m triggered about my husband (which is many, many times a day) or anything else. There’s something instantly calming about doing this. The man who introduced this process to the Western world (I should say Eastern world, I suppose, because we are east of Hawai’i) cured an entire mental hospital full of insane criminals by doing this…and if this is to be believed…I got to thinking that I could open up unthought-of possibilities involving my estranged husband, just by doing this work on myself.

    I’m not talking about getting back together with him. Just to be able to clean and clear myself from the history I had with him–that would be amazing. That would leave me truly standing at the doorway of infinite possibilities.

    I want to feel clean and clear within myself, sins washed away, cleaned from the past and yet not disconnected or broken off from it. I want to feel whole. That would feel like my entire body just filled with Divine energy, life force energy–and free from the guilt and the fear that my past experiences have embedded in me. And I love myself for having the fear and guilt, holding it, and keeping it, because it is a part of me–and I want to love it and let it go. I want to let it go in the spirit of Aloha, which means hello, goodbye, I love you, and many other things.

  38.  #38alias girl on January 2, 2009 at 6:41 pm

    so i have decided from all my available options

    i want to circular date until i meet a man i want to be exclusive with and vice versa. my dream is to be someone’s long term girlfriend for the rest of our lives. but i will settle for serial monodamy if they guy changes colors midway before the rest of our lives comes to a halt. i Will bail on a lameo. i’m not saying i will bail during hard times. i am saying i will bail on someone who becomes hurtful or stunts my growth. why? because it’s my life. my first true commitment is to me. i do not know if i am capable of commiting to someone FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.. that is too big for me to grasp at this moment in time.

    so now i know what i want (circular dating really awesome guys and yes i suppose some duds too until one of the awesome ones (the most awesome one) steps up to claim me as his) and then i will be his girlfriend and see how that goes. that is truly the only level of comittment i can fathom right now even though my dream is to build a life together with someon just one man.. baby steps.

  39.  #39heartbeat on January 2, 2009 at 11:34 pm

    Wow, gosh – so much to respond to here!! 🙂

    Talullah – aha! – another UK dweller. Hello! Your song title made me laugh. I’m reading your comments with interest – so many emotions going on. Seems like you’re in the groove and then that business with not hearing from your friend has knocked you out of it and you’re thinking ‘what did I do? what can I do to fix it?’. Well get yourself a big roll of Duck Tape and do nothing! Sounds like your system’s Pain Management Control has come from the same manufacturer as mine. i.e. tries to make sense of something, goes to Default ‘must be my fault’. Override PMC System with a hi-five in the mirror or something.

    Rori – thanks for the heads-up on Benjamin Button. Funny – I think of button-steps rather than baby-steps when I think of Rori-steps, if you see what I mean. It’s an expression that came to me and I like it, it feels right for me. Your post is so spot on for me – been there, it was great just falling into the whole process without expectation: wild, energetic, growthful, adventurous.

    Alias Girl – I was so into your Riff I forgot myself completely! It felt real, I like your honesty, humour and vulnerability.

    Linda – I felt nervous reading your comment about soul-ties. Inside, yes I feel some truth in that, but I want to run forward too, saying some of these contracts are short-term. At least that’s my experience. Like you made a soul-contract to learn a particular thing. Like when I was having sex with men I knew were not relationship material – because I wanted to explore what was going on in me, what was getting triggered. And it was actually GREAT to feel passionate, angry, affectionate, open.

    I started a blog, intending to write about it all, but then I found this place, and my relationship, so I haven’t kept it up (maybe I will some day) but the first post dings with this topic.

  40.  #40heartbeat on January 2, 2009 at 11:40 pm

    Ah yes, whoops – Reshi, your comment too – yes I’ve read about Ho’oponopono, it seems so incredible. I heard it on a radio interview and Goggled it. Fascinating! I feel hopeful and uplifted, joyful, when I read about such knowledge and wisdom that are being discovered again.

  41.  #41Daria on January 3, 2009 at 2:32 am

    I feel so overhwelmed. Im sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. This sounds very much like Rori’s body dialogues. I ahve done ho’oponopono once before too. I feel soooo stressed at life I want to hit it with a hammer and have all of it fall to pieces around me. I feel so angry and stuck and powerless. I feel so criticized and attacked. I feel like I am in a glass dome… I FEEL ANGRY AND HOPELESS>… I love my anger and hopelessness… I love my feeling of outrage… I feel outraged at the law of attraction… I feel outrage! I feel outrage… I feel outrage… I feel calming… I feel soothing… I feel hiccuping… I feel sedation… maybe I am feeling through my infant “issues” lol. that is so cute… I feel happy to know that I Am working through my infant issue… I feel good… I feel calmer… I guess my money issues are tied to my infant issues? maybe something about security… hm… interesting… I feel tight in my pelican pouch… I love my pelican powch… caugh caugh… I am a bird… I feel like a bird… I feel cool and powerful… I feel very clean because I live in the water… I feel refreshed… I feel like a fresh bird… hehehe… I want to feel accomplished… I feel like a stunted unaccomplished human being… I feel like smacking stuff with a book… I really wish I was writing my novel… I feel like I Can’t really force my inspiration… or i shouldn’t … i feel a really frozen pelican pouch right now… like I have caught lots of cold fish… hmmm … tat feeels interesting and calming… I should say I accomplished that I have been moving Extremely much the past few days and my body is really getting flexible and in shape… and I have had 2 ok online dates, maybe one even more than ok… although I feel kind of drained… and I feel unaccomplished… I Feel RAGE and HUMILIATION at that… aha… I feel humiliation… hi humiliation thank you for being here… thank you for pinching the left side of my nose bridge so hard… thank you that hurts… and its ok…. its ok to relax now…. Im sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. I feel embarassed and ashamed… I feel I am a shame to my parents and that feels sad… that feels sad and scary… I feel scared worried, I feel a heavy weight on my shoulders and frozen cheeks and throbbing solar plexus… thank you shoulders cheeks and solar plexus… that feels like smiling a little… I love how much I love myself that I can love myself when I feel so ashamed… I love it… I love me… I feel triumphant… Innerly smug heheheheh… I am actually sayiing aaaaaah outloud with a big smile! WHAT IS IT WITH THIS TOOL lol! this really works! YAY… it feels like my face is going to burst from smiling! I feel like I am tearing over smiling… this is nuts… wow Rori this is really amazing stuff! Wow I felt so good you guys it was crazy!

  42.  #42Tallulah on January 3, 2009 at 5:06 am

    Hallo Heartbeat,(see me being a bit British there?) you made me laugh,default PMC it must be my fault. Yep you’re so right. I am off to nearest hardware store today, petrol to burn my oars and some gaffer tape for me! Quite worryingly (my spellchecker wants me to write ‘wrongly’ here, it has a point…) I am finding the back catalogue of BoneyM and Will Smith’s ‘Getting Jiggy Wit It’ played at full blast very erm, therapeutic.?!?!
    AG, I was reading your post (the one where you were channelling Rodney King)well, I got confused I thought you were on about Dennis Rodman!! ha ha ha just made myself laugh.

  43.  #43Caj13 on January 3, 2009 at 5:07 am

    Way to go, Alias Girl! That clarification of your purpose is going to light your path of baby-stepping stones. And keep looking out for and exchanging looks with the awesome guys – that kind of eye-candy was not just for the holidays. It’s the first course in your all-year-long Feast of Celebration of your Life as you have now committed to it. Mmmm Yum – makes my mouth water to get closer to my own delicious spread (ooooo that could be a very bad unintended pun, but I think I’ll assume – Night Queen Cruella doesn’t care what others think). Bon appétit!

    No shame to feeling shame, Daria. Notice how your riffs are getting shorter – you’re getting to that Good Place faster. YAY!

  44.  #44Reshi on January 3, 2009 at 9:14 am

    Ahahahahahahahahaha. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Ladies, my cockroach ex-boyfriend is MARRIED. This man, who everyone I met agreed was the most repulsive creature on the planet, is married to a lovely young woman who, from his pictures, appears to be a perfect match for him in every way. A female version of him, if you will. They apear to be incredibly happy together. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried, and I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes.

    The lesson now is abundantly clear: if HE can do it, I can do it. All of us can do it. Love is stronger than our little flaws and peccadilloes and there’s a perfect partner out there for everyone, no matter how unlikely we think it is.

  45.  #45Cookie on January 3, 2009 at 9:32 am

    Hi everybody, this is my second time on, it’s interesting to read your comments. So I have a dilemna. So lately my boyfriend (of 7 years) and I have been butting heads around sex. He had stopped wanting to touch me for awhile only when he got drunk and i was thinking maybe it was because i gained weight and he lost his attraction. But then i look in the mirror and i’m like I’m still hot so i’m like whatever, i know he has insecurities about his sexual prowess anyway. So anyway, the past few weeks he has been wanting to have sex much more often, which made me feel good because i thought the relationship was turning around at least in that area. But New year’s eve we hung out and had fun, i got a little drunk and was playing around in the bed, teasing him, dancing, etc. He started kissing me and it hurt because he was using his teeth. So I asked him to stop biting me and then I asked him to go slower. Usually he goes so fast and doesn’t last long enough for me to really get enough even without orgasm. But i’ve been trying to practice Rori’s tools and i thought saying something was a good thing. Like why would i lay there and not say if i don’t like the way something feels. But he got so mad and stopped the foreplay completely. He said i’m trying to control him and i shouldn’t be telling him what to do in the bedroom after all this time. We spoke more throughly about it the next day and he said that maybe he is not the man for me and that sex is becoming too much pressure for him. I guess i should of said you’re right. But i got so angry and hurt that i started crying and i told him that i felt hurt, angry, and confused, that i did not want to negotiate my rights to be pleased too, that i want to be in a relationship where i can speak to my partner about what I want. Anyway, we went back and forth and he said he would try. I said ok and that was that. Anyway, this whole thing happened a day before a trip i had planned to Atlantic city (which I know was where I went wrong to start but an opportunity came along and I told him about it and asked if he wanted to go and he said yes). The whole week he was acting indifferent about the trip (which he usually gets excited because AC is our place) and I was thinking i should cancel but I didn’t want to make that decision for us so the day of he wakes up late on purpose and starts moving all slow, basically doing everything to make me feel like he didn’t want to go. Then he left to do errands and came back and started slamming dishes and mumbling and then he called a friend in front of me and asked what he was going to do later. So i read these all as signs that the trip was not happening. I didn’t ask any questions, i didn’t respond to his ways, I just left without saying a word. I just walked out, hopped on the bus, and went to AC myself. I don’t know if that a was a feelings based response or not, I know he will read it as me playing games. But I realized that though I couldn’t control whether he wanted to go or not, I could control that I did want to go and could do so without him. Anyway, so he hasn’t called, he’s probably mad and relieved, and I know I shouldn’t care but I’m so stuck on how to be the feminine energy in this relationship when everyone in his life caters to his feelings, his tempertantrums, and he has mostly been the feminine energy all these years. I love him and I want things to be different, i don’t think i want to change him, well maybe i do, which is wrong i know. I’m so lost, can somebody help me. Rori says focus on me, but i thought i was and how do you go about negotiating what you want in the bedroom? Was I being insensitive? Isn’t that his role to help please me?

  46.  #46Cookie on January 3, 2009 at 10:03 am

    Maria, your comment about never being the One, resonates so much with me. You are not alone in feeling this way, trust me, i have had men say so many unbelievable things to me, I don’t know how i look at myself sometimes. When I see me, I don’t see unattractiveness but I don’t know what it is that keeps me from being the One. Many of the men I know adore my personality and some men I have slept with have told me that I have almost everything they are looking for in a woman. Which of course made me do inventory like what don’t I have, what’s wrong with me? that’s why the idea of dating again mortifies me, at least my boyfriend always comes back to me.

  47.  #47Maria on January 3, 2009 at 11:17 am

    Hi Cookie, thank you so much for commenting me you have no idea how much that means. You are wonderful! l think, indeed we seem to be quite similar.
    After my last broke up with a man who said l am his love of live ( he sure was mine) it was a final thing for me, (and that was the time l found Rory).l become really discouraged to go any further, however, l think if l go on with that mindset l loose anyway. So it is better to take some advice and learning and even if l never be the One to anyone, l dont want to be Second Best either.
    But it still hurts so bad….l dont know what is wrong with me.

  48.  #48Tallulah on January 3, 2009 at 11:23 am

    Hi Cookie, bloody hell I thought I was re-reading things I had posted! Been there too, 1st and 2nd post. I am not as far ahead as the other lovelies here, I know they have helped me already and this place will certainly help you. Devour it it’s all so useful. All I can offer is this, you are still worrying about his shit. I’m sorry but you can’t ‘fix’ him and nothing is wrong with you. I was with an alcoholic, emotionally retarded, liar for 3 years and I went through a sort of similar process to you, I tried to fix it, I knew I couldn’t, I got angry with him and myself, he pulled away even more, I would pull away, run towards him, I tried everything, I was highly vigilant and over-functioning like a woman possessed urgh it was horrible. I cried nearly everyday towards he end. I knew what I wanted and I wanted it with him,I loved him and I knew he loved me. But he wasn’t willing even to make 1 teeny weeny baby step towards me. Believe me I tried every way of talking, every technique it was hopeless. When I was at rock bottom a girlfriend asked me what I wanted out of life,but I couldn’t see the point,what was the use in wanting marriage, a true connection and a house full of children or anything at all because I couldn’t have it,not if he wasn’t forthcoming.I felt I had no control over my future. I felt hopeless and terribly sad. It took a long while and for it to become very shitty for me to realise that was the point. I would never have the things I want with this guy. I could not fix him or us only me. It was a very upsetting reality and a very lonely, heartbreaking time. So I had 3 choices, stay and be miserable, leave and be miserable or leave and possibly if I was lucky (how pathetic) meet someone who did want the same as me. From somewhere deep inside I put me first. I never would’ve believed I would. It wasn’t ‘right’ to walk away, I felt like I was giving up and a complete failure. Life is not like a romcom and I didn’t feel empowered,tough or like a heroine when I left him, there were no rock anthems playing. I felt exhausted and shell shocked,empty and lacking, if I was this beautiful, amazing creature what the hell was wrong with me for him to let me leave? I did most of my grieving before I left though. I only had a couple of moments when I felt sorry for myself afterwards and was really thrilled when I had a couple of dates. I spent a lot time with friends who make me happy and who love and care for me. He did come back to me, quite quickly actually. It’s amazing, what I wouldn’t have done all those months ago for that, but it was way too late. He wanted to be friends, but he has no idea how to do this either and was angry at me when I said I didn’t want that. I get the obligatory text on New Years Eve and at Xmas,from him but it doesn’t hurt,I don’t hate him, I forgive him, he hasn’t got a clue. No doubt I’ll get a call or text for my birthday too. I will not respond, I do not want to give him any more of my time or energy and I certainly don’t want to give him any hope about us. Be careful what you wish for lovely Cookie, you might just get it.

  49.  #49Reshi on January 3, 2009 at 12:48 pm

    Cookie, you’re in the right place and your post made me feel so angry! Men don’t have a right to our wonderful company when they treat us this way and I wish no woman would have to experience disrespectful, unloving men. Argh! I want to hit your boyfriend. But I won’t. I will, though, echo the others here who say to go through Rori’s Power and Self Esteem series on this blog. Actually make the lists and follow the steps she’s listed and I promise you’ll feel better.

    I want to scoop up Maria and Tallulah and Cookie in a big ol’ Goddess hug right now. <3 Things will look up for all of us.

  50.  #50alias girl on January 3, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    hi cookie! welcome! this is a wonderful place to be i feel thrilled you found rori. if you are able to i would start with her ebook. it will give you a foundation to understand some of the language tools etc. if you already have that’s great. i have read mine several times.

    i’m not actually going to respond to this specific situation you mentioned because i have a feeling it is just one of many daily ongoing occurrences that have been going on for seven years. so instead of looking at the continual fights/power struggles i would suggest you completely focus on YOU. how you are being, behaving, speaking, FEELING. etc.

    what are YOUR dreams when it comes to relationship?

    if you start practicing rori’s tools in baby steps things WILL shift for you. i know it can be challenging to find the money to get the programs but if you can maybe purchase a program and really delve into it. also there is sooo much information on this blog with rori’s amazing posts and all the becoming goddesses comments.

    YOU CAN TURN THINGS AROUND. i can’t guarantee it will be with This man but i also beleive miracles are possible.

    focus on YOU. As everyone who reads this blog consistently knows, i have a troll caveman for a boss. now if we look at it form a h opnononono point of view i am responsible and accountable for my troll caveman boss. (i’m sorry i love you please forgive me thank you) and how i React and Respond to the troll is crucial to who i am becoming. if my wish is to be a godesses, my highest godess self (the one in the beautiful sexy dress that i met when i did rori’s exercise from this blog) if my deepest desire is to BE this godess then i must baby step by baby step learn how to Be her.

    if this doesn’t make sense now it will. just keep doing rori’s tools. keep practicing your i feels. your i don’t wants. (as far as i know rori doesn’t suggest using alot of i wants) you will start to come along and we are here to help you. xoxo

  51.  #51Cassandra on January 3, 2009 at 1:24 pm

    Cookie, Maria and Tallulah…I hate that you guys had to go through this and I am so right there with Reshi…I wanted to smack your man when I read your post. Who in the @%%%#$^ do they think they are?! It infuriates me that men treat women this way but in the long run THEY are the ones who lose an amazing woman who loved him with all that she is…so even though it hurts like #%^#&%&…it is them who end up losing in the long run. Definitely get into the self esteem posts and work through them and you will feel somuch better. I am going through them for the second time and it is starting to sink in.

    Speaking of sinking in…you guys will never believe what happened today. You know how I told you that Charles was working today? Well I was out doing my own thing and having a great time shopping when I staring thinking about his reactions to things that I do….giving him a kiss or a hug….phone calls..texts….cards and the other loveing stuff that we all do for our men and all of a sudden it hit me that he does not appreciate one bit of it..now I know that you all have known this for a very long time but I am a bit slow on the uptake if you ahven’t noticed that yet (Hee hee)…I do take a while to ‘get it’ but in any case..i thought about Rori’s horse image and I thought to myself that even though we are together and in the same house HE is not giving anything to me or this relationship and therefore is on the back of MY horse taking up time, room and energy. It made me mad. Don’t get me wrong here…I still Do want things to work out with us but today for some reason I found myself tired of giving…tired of loving him….tired of wanting HIM to respond positively…tired of feeling that I have to constantly ‘check’ on things…re: the websites….and that kind of thing. it is EXHAUSTING! I don’t however believe that it will be different with anyone else but I just realized that I am tired of giving. It turns out that he will be home later on this evening and I am making dinner but in the past I have so looked forward to him coming home and this evening I feel…..indifferent. If he comes home…fine..if he were stil out on the road…fine. I am not sure what all of this means but I will riff about it later on when I can. I just thought it was interesting.
    Love and hugs to all…..

  52.  #52alias girl on January 3, 2009 at 1:25 pm

    ah hem btw although he was appraently suitable enough for both madonna and carmen electra i would NEVER go NEAR dennis rodman. he would be a big dud for me. totally not my type. 😉 rodney king on the other hand..

  53.  #53Cassandra on January 3, 2009 at 1:29 pm

    Tallulah…I forgot to mention that I can totally relate to how you felt in that relationship. I have felt that way more often than not this last year and do not want 09′ to be a repeat of 08 that is for sure! I have spent most of 08 crying and deeply sad because of my fiance’ and I definitely do NOT want to do that in 09. I am thinking so much lately about what I want and don’t want and if I can really have what I want with him…sometimes he shows me the man I fell in love with and I could totally have those things with that man but most of the time he shows me the other side of him which is not at all good and I know that I can’t have those things with that one. The issue for me is to figure out which one is the REAL one. I am just trying to focus on ME and do the work here to strengthen ME and I hope that everything else will fall into place.

  54.  #54Maria on January 3, 2009 at 1:29 pm

    Good heaven, Cass, it is wonderful to hear, and l belive that is what we all have been waiting. To me you sound like one of the most tender and wonderful person in here and the moment your world enlarges you see how big and wonderful it is….and when you have explored it, you see that you can do much much better!

  55.  #55Cassandra on January 3, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    Thanks Maria….your post made me cry. Thank you for the beautiful compliments. It is so funny that so many people see things in me that I cannot see…I wish that I could belive me. Even last night when I was out with my new girlfriend..we were talking about that very thing. She was telling me that I am so beautiful but just don’t see it and that I am one of the kindest people that she has met…all of that made me feel good but I wish that I could see it all. She was also telling me that any man would be HAPPY…THRILLED to have somone like that in their life but Charles just takes me for granted to an extreme degree. I wish I could see what everyone else sees. Don’t get me wrong…I KNOW I am a really good person with a huge and you are right….tender heart but I for some reason can’t see what everyone else sees….I hope that I will get there one day….soon perhaps. I am no where near the point of feeling that I can have anything better and part of that is that I have been through so much trauma with relationships that I really do NOT believe anymore that I can REALLy and TRULY have what I want. I so want a man that is like my Dad…..a TRUE gentleman who takes care of my Mom and me and my sister and always makes sure that we are ok BEFORE he thinks of what he needs but in turn he is so taken care of by my Mom and my sister and I when we are home that he never has to worry about a thing. I don’t thin that that exists anymore and I do get scared that it would not be any different with anyone else as this is pretty much what I have known in relationships. The bottom line is that Charles USED to make me feel wonderful and once I got here all of that changed dramatically….most of the time I do not feel good about ME when I am around him…he makes me feel like a burden….like I bother him except when he needs something then I am the most wonderful thing since….well…umm… beer to him. I am getting kind of upset just writing that! I can’t wait until I am strong enough to REALLy tell him how I feel but I think that it won’t even matter to him.
    In any case…I am glad that YOU are doing better and keeping close to the tools and this blog. It has in some ways…saved my life. You are such a gem Maria! I send you a huge flower hug!! I love you guys.

  56.  #56Caj13 on January 3, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    Hi Cookie, It’s great that you’re already trying to use the tools (bravo just walking out and doing your thing like that!), and there are results, even if they weren’t exactly what you were aiming at. I don’t want to get into the details of that particular experience you posted either, but I believe Rori said to expect his anger in some circumstances, and prepare yourself to listen to it (unless your gut feelings tell you to take a time out or Run). His anger (like yours) is a good thing, cuz it shows he’s taking you seriously and what you’re saying is affecting him seriously. But when you’re in the middle of it, I sure know it ain’t easy – (one of) my own biggest hangups is not accepting to face conflict of any kind. Look back among Rori’s posts where she talks about this – I think there’s one called “When your man is depressed” or s’thing that is pertinent. I know we all want a guy who can be understanding to us, but reinforcing his feminine energy to that point is not doing anyone a favor But it’s certainly not your job to fix it nor your fault if he’s stuck there.

  57.  #57Maria on January 3, 2009 at 1:52 pm

    l have to be completely agree with your friend – any man would be thrilled to have you. The thing why you dont see that right now, is that you live with “wrong mirrors” – and that mirror to me seems to be Charles. So the way you see yourself now is, considering of the circumstances, the “normal” result of it, tho l hate to use word “normal” under that circumstance.
    Once you start getting better ” mirrors” – as in little steps by going our and experiencing somethig different from what you have had so far, you start to see…

  58.  #58Maria on January 3, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    Oh that post was adressed to Cassandra´s last post…

  59.  #59Caj13 on January 3, 2009 at 2:11 pm

    Fabulous image, those wrong mirrors, Maria! I think we’ll all keep some right ones in our hip pocket now, to pull out and stick in their place when we need to see how things really are. Looking through the un-deforming glass of the right ones will train us to see and accept the truth of our incalculable worthiness, the worthiness that all those admirable, worthwhile people around us see and believe at first glance.

  60.  #60Cassandra on January 3, 2009 at 2:42 pm

    Maria…I loved that image as well…of the wrong mirrors. I have no idea how they became so wrong because before I got here they were so right. he used to make me feel wonderful…I am not sure what happened. Caj….I am with you too on the conflict issue. I KNOW that is the reason that I have not yet told Charles how I REALLY feel about things. Whenever I try to talk to him about something that is on my mind..even if I approach it with the tools and suggestions that Rori ahs given us he still reacts negatively..as though it is a bother to listen or care…basically…How dare I?! Therefore I try to NOT say much if something is bothering me but with these HUGE issues haning over my head I can’t do that for much longer. I am working on a power speech to share with him but the thing is is that I feel that when I deliver that speech I need to also be prepared to have that be…possibly the END of our relationship – even though I do want things to work out with us…I feel that HE will walk away with ease. He has told me many many times that he is NOT ready to get married but that he does want to marry ME …someday. I get that he is not ready to get married but I did not come here to be his live in girlfriend.. came here to be his wife…..on HIS prompting and asking me to move here so that we could marry last Feb. i also did not come here to be in a tiny 1 or 2 bedroom apartment by myself when I had an amazing place by myself in the city from where I moved so…I did not come here to be alone..without HIM. I do feel that IF it does come down to me having to move I want to tell him that I feel if I have to move from our home and away from him..only to visit and still be a couple but not under the same roof then I feel that I need to move on….even though I say this NOW and possibly would still continue to see him here and there once I got into that situation…who knows…I am NOT there yet so I have no idea what I will do but I am NOT going to tell him that…..that is just how I feel right NOW. I want to let him know that if I have to move out of our home then I need to move on with my life. First of all..I KNOW that I am NOT ready to tell him that and secondly I MUST be prepared to have him tell me again that he is not ready to get married and that if that is how I feel that we are indeed over then. I do not think that my feelings will change his mind or make the light bulb suddenly come on in his head…but then again that is an assumption and those are dangerous. I will tell him how I feel but I am not ready yet as I am SO not prepared to hear that we could be over. That is where I am at with that. Of course there are other things too that I need to tell him but that is the biggest one. It makes me so sad that I even have to deal with this and tell him that but HE created this by turning the ables once I got here….that in itself is a HUGE betrayal and I am honestly not sure that I can recover from that…I am trying.

  61.  #61Maria on January 3, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    Well, l gave some thought about it, and dont take my words as truth, but maybe this is they way Charles IS. he used to be nice, you said – he worked on claiming YOU. Now that he has you, you see who he really IS. Considering that l belive that in his own way he loves you a lot, but the way he acts is just his natural self and thats the way he is. You can put any Wendy, Cindy and Mary in your shoes, and the result wont be different.
    l havent got Toxic men program, but from that l start thinking that maybe thats who you deal with, a little bit. My message to you would be to riff yourself to relax.

  62.  #62cookie on January 3, 2009 at 2:53 pm

    Thank u so much for your responses ladies, it feel good to have real people to talk to. I’m so I don’t even know how to feel I just leaned forward I called, I guess I lost hope but he has been on my mind all day. I feel wrong like I shouldn’t have went on the trip alone, that the relationship is over, that I have pushed him out of the bubble for good. Everytime I distance myself from him he comes for me, I do think he cares for me. I don’t know.if I’m in his heart anyway when love feels so different.

  63.  #63alias girl on January 3, 2009 at 2:54 pm

    wow cassandra you are amazing. i can see the strength and clarity coming through in your last post. you are probably wise to wait until you are in a psoiton to be able to handle the results/consequences of your speech. though we really can not predict what will happen. he may do a complete turnaround. he may ask you to leave. who knows maybe he’d just crack a beer nod his head , make a promise or two and then. maybe things would just go back to status quo.

    i am so proiud of you for moving through this with your heart intact, and caring for yourself, and gathering strength.

    who knows what life has in store for us. i believe in finding bliss in Being happy. so i believe my life is gently (and sometimes jaggedly) guiding me to this state of being and i am learning tools and ways of manifesting and new thinking.

  64.  #64cookie on January 3, 2009 at 3:07 pm

    I’m wishing he would call me now so he can fix whatever is wrong with us. I want to crawl between his arms and legs n let him squeeze me and rain kisses on me. I know that he won’t come when I’m reaching out to him and wondering about him. But how do u get someone out of your mind I keep trying to sleep it off but when I awake its on my mind again, I feel crazy and weak I’m going into panic mode. I’m breathing now, I just hugged myself and told me that whatever the outcome is I will be okay.

  65.  #65alias girl on January 3, 2009 at 3:46 pm

    oh my. i am having a day so far where i am paralyzed. omg. i feel overwhelmed. i feel like there is TOO MUCH oxygen. too much something. i feel tears forming behind my eyes. i feel overwhelmed. i feel like i can’t move. i can barely have the will to write this. ugh. i feel overdramatic. i feel like there is to much energu moving too quickly in my body. i feel like the top of my hair my catch fire. HaHAh. i feel like collpasing into a nothing. my vagina feels unconcerned. my chest feels like it is running. like i am running. like there is a seperate entity in my chest. like a ghost that has been aroused from a dep sleep and it doesn not want to be in my body and so is knocking about with great agitation trying to get Out. sorry pal. i feel the same dilemma. argh. i feel worried i have not paid my rent yet. i feel reluctant to call my landlord to tell him i don’t have the money yet. i feel ick about that.

    omg. that feels so small compared to the way i feel right now. wtf. i feel annoyed angry. i feel angey. like someone just gave me the totally wrong order and i still have to pay for it and it’s not meeting my needs. it’s not what i ordered. ugh. i feel like my head could just topple off my body.i love my feeling of losing my head. i love the airy billowy feeling in my head. i love the paralyzation that freezes me. i love the too much energy in my body that is overloading my system. i love that my vagina is nonchalant to everything except getting laid. i’m about to have my head topple off and my vagina is the equivalent to considering doing her nails.

    i feel awful. i feel like punching whoever is causing this. i feel like killing the causer of this. wow that’s a pretty violent feeling. i feel like someone just stun gunned me. i feel sooooooooooangry that riffing is not turning it around. i love my anger and my helplessness. i love my disconnection with myself. i love that i want to blame something outside of myself for the conditions of my life and the state of my mental being. i love my victimhood. i love myself. i feel like a character in a batman movie. THE FREEZER. welcome. meet the rest of the gang.ugh. blah. blah. whatever.

  66.  #66Bebe on January 3, 2009 at 4:23 pm

    Hi Cookie,
    I can relate so much to what you are feeling. I bet we can all sense that anxiety the what ifs. Please do not feel this is lame , but it will feel different very soon, I totally get you want to go to being in his arms and feel safe and good.
    It does get easier to lean back, day by day. I bet he will call.
    My way has been when Im felt the need was to write it down before had all I feels then condense and condense again to just a few sentences. And sleep on it and wait another day, you will feel stronger. Men pick up vibes even when not in picture,
    I feel a power speech is meant to make you feel better , say your sexy truth, and let it go, not to fix anything.
    I feel he is being at best a jerk , a man knows when he is acting bad, and will try to make amends very quickly.I am not sure a jerk realizes it.
    Try taking baths and doing any body treatments at home or at salon if you can. Sometimes when I am having a facial and neck and shoulder massage, as I am being touched I feel release even tears falling out of my eyes like sorow is leaving me, and my soul’s mind always sends me peace.

  67.  #67Maria on January 3, 2009 at 5:12 pm

    OK now here comes my question. Similar to Cookie – where you reach the point, when your boyfriend has done some emotional “damage” already and triggers you, what to do? Obviously the advices given are good and great but they dont give you instant healing. Instant reaction would be to do something to get him back, isnt it? (l belive a lot of stupid “drama” mistakes have done with those emotions running).
    When l think back l feel my anger has iced somehow, but it is there, cos l didnt know how to deal with those situation. Is the non-communication really the best we can do?

  68.  #68Tallulah on January 3, 2009 at 5:59 pm

    Reshi big hug back, thank you it is already looking up, I have found this place and I’m learning and growing, that can only be positive. Cookie you can borrow my matches and petrol if you want to burn your boat and oars,get the book if you haven’t already, good place to start. I think you’re doing brilliantly. Of course you will wonder what he is doing, thinking etc, but that is time away from what is more important…you! If it makes you feel any better he probably is thinking about you too, he is probably awake at night too, but if he wants you he is gong to have to come get you. Cass’, I wish I could make it all better for you (there I go trying to fix everyone and everything!) I agree with you should give yourself some space first.Don’t do or say anything until you are calmer and steadier. I feel for you so so much, all those churning thoughts, earlier post you seemed really together then, wham! I felt pain reading your other post. You can and will deal with this AND you will be happy. Why can’t you have a man like you want? Who’s stopping you? You deserve to be happy..AG’s right none of us can know what the future holds or whether Charles, my chap or any of the other men we care about will get their shit together and start treating us the way we deserve but we can start by expecting better for ourselves. We create the world we live in. We are all Goddesses creating everything that is in our lives, would Athena or Aphrodite or Hera put up with this, or indeed manifest it? We don’t hear myths of Goddesses being torn, heartbroken or worried what her man thinks? There’s been several thousand years where we’ve worked on the jealousy and rage issues, so there doesn’t need to be anyone blasted with lightning or turned into goats either. I say we start living as Goddesses should. My grandmother was Greek, gave me an owl pendant which I haven’t worn since I was young, tomorrow I am going to get a chain and wear it to remind me of my inner Athena.
    Incidentally I don’t know if you have looked at theory on Projection vs Love, it was a bit of an eye opener for me. Also the drama triangle was useful for me when I was IN the crappy relationship, if you just decide to stop ‘playing’ the game it can help a lot. If you stop ‘playing’ the other person might get angrier or assume all sorts of things but they can’t play it on their own and that stops some of the drama at least for a while. Oh, and The Games People Play is an oldie but a goldie, still worth a re-read every now and then.
    AG have you got a dressing up box? If not you need one, you make me laugh so much and I love your honesty and braveness. I think we are similar, pirates, sluts, characters out of comics. My friends know that I pretty much see everyday as an excuse to see if I can dress up or turn it into a party. I am essentially a 5 year old who just got a bit taller! I’m thinking I would love to have a cape, where could I buy a cape from?

  69.  #69Cassandra on January 3, 2009 at 6:15 pm

    You guys are SO awesome! Maria..thanks for your input. I did riff a littlebit in my journal and felt better but then he came home and I started cooking dinner and got off onto that. He then informed that his brother was coming over for them to talk about someting his brother needs to discuss with him which means in Charles’ Speak..’you need to be in the other room watching TV or reading or something and not out here in the living roo, with us’. That is fine with me but it would have been nice to have a head’s up so that i could have planned my evening. Ah…well….so it goes in this household…..for now anyway. I really am ok with it tonight as I am exhausted and will be in bed EARLY! Maria, I think you may be totally on to something in that THIS is who he is and the first part of the relationship was just to reel me in….mission accomplished but it is not ok with me how things changed. I am going to continue to work on ME and tell him how I feel as soon as I feel ready and strong…..until then…I tread water.
    Cookie….YOU did nothing wrong. He WILL be back…give it time…give YOURSELF time and give him time…he will be back. Until then focus on YOU…take a love bath or get a masage or get into a great book and focus on YOU. I have a better idea….get Rori’s ebook and work in that. You will go to bed feeling better and more peaceful. Don’t call him or text him..that energy needs to go into YOU, Love. I do think he will be back but in the meantime take care of YOU!
    Ag..thanks for your post, support, love and encouragement. You are right in that we have NO IDEA what will happen but I c an’t go on like this with my feelings not being heard or even conveyed. That is not fair to ME or really even fair to him so I have to let him know how I feel but I also have to be ready for wahtever happens…I am no where near that place yet…so…I tread water.
    …be right back…….

  70.  #70Cassandra on January 3, 2009 at 6:27 pm

    …Ok…sorry..slight interruption…. It makes me mad that I have to go on this way but as I was cooking dinner we actually had a conversation where I did ask him some more serious questions and he seemed ok for a little while but then I changed the subject because he seemed to not want to talk about anything serious whatsoever. he did tell me that HE wants to know what I am feeling about stuff and that he is happy with me and does still want us to get married but during most of that part I was quiet because I felt kind of mad. I don’t know…maybe he will surprise me but I doubt it. I really do think that he will ask me to leave and that will be it. If that happens it may be a period of time where we have no contact but he will likely call me down the road but with how I feel now….I will not take his calls. I wil have to be done if I have to move becuase it willhurt too damn much but then again maybe he will not want to lose me and we’ll get married…I doubt it but who knows. Maria..when I find myself in those ‘I want to kill him’ moments..I try to think of something else…i walk out of the room and try to think thru a riff because I can’t write it down..i just try to thin it thru and it does seem to help. Of course it is not instant healing but it does get you thru that moment so that you can deal with him again in a few minutes in a healthier way for YOU. I hope that helps.
    Love and hugs…..

  71.  #71Daria on January 3, 2009 at 6:36 pm

    I feel so angry… I feel so angry at myself for not having the money to pay my bills… I feeel so angry that I didn’t pick up the borrowed money in time to pay my first bill on time… I feel so angry that I will ask my parents for money… I feel so angry taht they will make me feel terrible for it and I won’t have the patience because I already feel angry and it will turn into a big family blowup where everyone will feel upset… I feel down… That feels like pouty mouth, frozen lips… I love my paralysis… I feel my solar plexus throbbing and I love that too… I feel so angry that my love interest hasn’t paid me back teh money he owes me and hasn’t even called me to update me… I feel upset that anotehr one of my friends also has done this… I feel a frozen pelican pouch… I feel scrunched up forehead… I feel sighing… I had a bad dream last nite where my former love interest was at fault for borrowing my car and they did not bring it back when I wanted it… I felt powerless and humiliated adn I feel angry about that dream as if it really happened.., I feel so angry… I feel like attacking him with a big metal bar and I feel proud of myself for wanting to… I feel totally angry… I feel worried because my bills are my responsibility, and I knew what I was getting into… that feels like sinking, like disappointment… I feel sighing… I feel so much tension in my face and jaw bones… I love my tension in my face and jaw bones… that feels like relaxation, like a light smile… I love my anger… I love my throbbing in my solar plexus… I love the heat and tingles rising up my shoulders and to my ears… I love my frozen jaw bone… i love my tight solar plexus… that feels all like smiling… that feels like tightness in the back of my head and I love the tightness in the back of my head… that feels like yawning… I love my jawbone tightness… I love my belly tension… that feels good… I feel glad I love it… I feel like yawning… I feel angry that my parents are coming home and my bills are not taken care of… I feel angry that I won’t get the support I want or maybe I will… I feel worried and indignant and scared… that feels like tight jawbones, like tight solar plexus and I love those… that feels like a sweet smile… and like pressure on my chest and I love the pressure on my chest… I love myself even though I am a failure… I want everyone to think I am a failure for some reason… I guess because I want to prove everyone wrong about me being a failure and if everyone thinks so then they won’t be able to say anything about me being a failure since I already am one… except they do say stuff anyway so that thinking is not valid… I do not want everyone to see me as a failure… that is true I strive to look good… I see myself as a failure… that is true I feel sad that I am not manifesting, generating, attracting or earning the money to pay my bills, and to impress my parents… I feel ANGRY at having to impress my parents and ASHAMED for feeling angry because their friends children are successful so I understand that they would want me to be succesful and I feel like I am a shame to them… I feeel like I have been born without money generating skills… I feel any attempts at being financially succesfful are doomed to fail because money is very hard to earn and way too hard for me when I don’t want to sacrifice my sleep and health for it… why would I think I am better than everyone else and I would be able to earn it pleasantly and easily, when other people hurt so much to get evena little bit… I feel gross and disappointed… I lvoe my grossness and disappointement… i feel so much anger and resistance! I feel like I have nothing to do but feel this anger and resistance so I have decided I will sit here and riff it since it’s unlikely I will get anything done with it anyway… that feels good… yay… I feel tension in my left stomach and my left thigh and I love my tension… I love the tension in my stomach… and that feels like agreement… like nodding to my tension… thank you tension for being here… it feels really powerful to have this tension… like I am ajaguar and ready to spring about 10 feet in the air if I choose to… I love my smile… I love feeling that I can sit here all day and write and blog about my feelings hehehehehe… that feels SOO good it feels like having a secret I love you in your life even in the worst case and when everyone is wanting to make you feel bad you can still go and smile to yourself because you have a secret I love you and they cannot take it awaya hahahhaa… yay that feels good… that feels so good… that feels like smiling and I love my smile… I feel terrified having to ask my parents for money I know it is all in my vibe but I can feel my vibe go off into old territory and can already see my mom frowning and getting worried and then callling my dad and everyone looking all stern and me feeling trapped and them starting to fight besides wanting to look at all my financial records maybe and I am worried they will see I let my friend (fuck him) borrow money last month and will be upset and I will feel SOOO ANGRY that I will lose it and go into total defense trigger… and THIS SUX… I love my feeling of powerlessness and desperation… I want to envision my parents supporting me and saying of course we can help you pay we know you had to quit your job because we were there with you all the way and we know you will be successful with your company… you can even transfer your bills onto our account because the low APR is still available that we told you about months ago but you refused it because you wanted to handle your responsibilities yourself… and now that you are in a bind we are so happy to help you and we want teh best for you and are totally here for you to help you do what you want and be happy in life… and that feels really calming and I feel really frozen along my upper spine and I feel sad because a BIG part of me believes that they are not going to react like that… and I thank that part of me and the tingles in my spine and the dropped mouth corners and tight solar plexus… and I feel really low and sad and beaten and that i sok… and a part of me believes it is possible IF ONLY I get my vibe right and I feel scared I won’t get my vibe right and that is ok… I feel really low, wallowing in lowness and I don’t know what to call this feeling I have now that I have a lot… it’s like the I give up feeling, the I’m going numb now feeling, the it’s ok if I am being talked to badly, treated badly, whatever because I am accepting of it… and I am accepting of bad behaviour because it is ok because they don’t know any better and obviously I’m not strong enough to defend myself or stand up for myself so that is that… i feel my cheeks puffed out and that is ok I love my puffed out cheeks… I feel my head hanging to the side and I love my hanging head… I feel my mouth corners starting to rise and I feel worried and scared… and I love my rising mouth corners and the tingling in between my shoulders… and I love the heavy ball in my stomach… I am so cool or at least powerful to carry this heavy ball… thank you heavy ball for being here… I feel low and heavy and also hungry and I feel like eating now… I feel worried about eating with this sad feeling because I don’t want my stomach to be eating sad feeling but that is ok… I love my sadness… it is part of me and I embrace it… in fact this low feeling is how my stranger feels sometimes… maybe this feeling is depression… the facial expression reminds me of my mom when she is feeling depresssed whcih is of course often and that feels like sobbing all of a sudden and I feel so sad… I feel so hopeless and sad and I HATE THIS… I feel so powerless and sad… I love my powerlessness and I hate that it gives me an EXCUSE not to help my mom because I want to help her so much… I feel like such an undeserving human being because I cannot help her and because I am making things worse by not having my side of the equation handled and I’ve been trying to have it handle or pretend it is my whole life so I won’t add to her suffering ohhh I feel so embarassed writing this and crying and whining… I feel like hitting myself and that is ok… I love my horrible hatred and I feel disgusted posting something so intimate and especially having to do with my mom but I think I will post it anyway because this blog helps me… and I feel so sad I just want a little love and help and I feel so helpless… I am crying like a baby and I love my crying and I love my disgust at myself… I LOVE my disgust at myself and my RAGE… And I feel fear I feel afraid of my dad yelling at me and my parents telling me I haven’t been doing Anything… And I feel so small right now… I feel like running out the house before they get here and that feels like pinching in my left thigh and cringing in my left shoulder… I love my cringing and pinching… even though I don’t believe I love myself right now I love myself anyway… and that feels a little like smiling… even though I don’t feel like I deserve love I love myself and I want to feel like I deserve love… I want to feel like I deserve love… I want to feel like I deserve love… I Want to feel like I deserve love even though I feel like I AM A DISGUSTING BRAT WHO IS TOTALLY WORTHLESS!! I love myself… I feel ashamed of being what I said above, that is a disgusting brat who is totally worthless… hmm… that is ok… I want to love my disgusting totally worthless brat… and I can see her she is EWW gross totally spoiled in her pink room and just rolls her eyes a lot doing the mini Paris hilton even thought I kind of like paris Hilton … Hi… eye roll… I give her a hug… she kind of stands there and finally puts her arms around me lightly… I feel a lot of sadness and helplessness in her… I am giving her a rose… I want us to be friends… thank you… she is smiling… she seems more genuine… she said we can be friends… she is acting more like a 4 year old now and twirling and giving flirty looks and goofy grins… can you please help me be more whole? thank you… lol she took my hand and twirled with it… thank you… she doesn’t want me to leave… by I will visit you again… we will always be friends now and we can always talk , and I am in charge… ok she closed her door now… yay… I feel relieved… I feel kind of ok now I am going to eat something downstairs… I feel like smilng a little…

  72.  #72Maria on January 3, 2009 at 7:22 pm

    Daria, this is total offtopic and it may sound naughty, but l had once this kind of situation – a friend of mine owned me some money, and every time l asked (and belive me, asking your own money back makes you feel pretty low, thats why l never do it any more) my friend kind of gave the uncertain answer.
    So l finally got pretty upset, cos l knew tere was not money issue with my friend side in that particular time, so l made up a plan. l asked that person to join me to shop for advice and l picked up the things l had planned to get, so when there was payment time, “l realized l had left my wallet home”, so l kindly asked if l could borrow. No problem with that one and l got what l wanted back in full term.
    Ladies, Goddesses, l must warn you, dont try this at home:) However, Daria, l can understand completely your anger. Especially if that person is male character. Unless the root of your anger lies somewhere else, you have every right to ask your money back.

  73.  #73Maria on January 3, 2009 at 7:39 pm

    Cassandra, l think that it was not the case of “reeling you in”, it was full desire for you, cos you are Wonderful. And your advice of riffing “when you want to kill him” is really effective – that has been one of my first tools and l have used it with someone already. It made me feel much better about myself and gave me power. Thank you so much, hugs, Maria.

  74.  #74Thirty Girl Sush on January 3, 2009 at 7:42 pm

    Hi Rori,
    First of all thanks so much for taking the time out to read my blog. Your comment has left me thinking a lot of how I handle my own personal relationships and I have to admit that I have become a fan of your blog. Now in terms of this entry I have to agree. Before I use to fall in love with every man that I have had an intimate relationship with but now I can control my emotions and carry on with not getting so attached where it isn’t needed. Look forward to catching up and reading many more of your blog entries in the future.

  75.  #75Reshi on January 3, 2009 at 11:08 pm

    Squee! 2 of my guys–2 of the cutest ones–called today and I have a coffee date for tomorrow evening. I have to pinch myself to see if I’m dreaming–and then I have to wonder whether what I’m doing is right or wrong. At what point does it become infidelity? Is there any such thing as infidelity when the marriage is dead? My dad told me that my grandmother had been praying for us to get back together, and I felt pretty rotten trying to date all these other men after hearing that.

    But they also say that dating others is the best chance of getting your spouse to turn around, if that’s going to happen. Man. What if he does? I’ve been thinking about that possibility lately what with all the ho’oponopono and forgiveness that I’ve been creating. I quite honestly don’t want him to, because then I would feel guilty about not taking him back–and after what’s happened between us, I don’t want to take him back.

    And then again, my relatives are the sort who’ll pray that the baby is going to be a boy, after the pregnancy has already started–even with modern scientific knowledge going on. Hello? You’re not going to change the sex of a baby that already exists. (And in that specific case, as soon as I heard they were doing that, I knew it was going to be a girl, and it was.)

    So, I am going to keep doing what I’m doing. I’ll draw the line at anything that requires clothing to be removed. That feels like a good boundary for me right now.

  76.  #76alias girl on January 3, 2009 at 11:56 pm

    i just want to hear myself talk. i just want praise and all energy and attention directed towards how fabulous i am just for being my authentic self. thank you. i deserve the best this world has to offer and that is just the tip of the iceberg. false humility is for the birds. i am great. i deserve three awesome cutie pies pursuing my affections. striving and pining and sweating over how to please me. rowing and sweating and flexing their muscles trying to impress me. asking me how do i like to get my freak on. i am fabulous. i deserve wealth and riches and good health and a mcmansion if that’s what i want.

    i am fabulous. i can will myself to do anything i want. i can tap into the supreme energy source and get all the help and asistance i need and desire. i am lovely. i feel expansive and (a little scared) No NO! fear be banished. fear is the root of all evil. not money. FEAR. fear is only useful in situations like a BEAR ATTACK..

    i am courageous and awesome and talented and resourceful and sexy and healthy and kind and properous and solvent and wise and fun and confident and successful. and that’s the truth.

    i deserve all good things. i could type forever just to hear myself sing. i just may. 🙂

  77.  #77Reshi on January 4, 2009 at 12:24 am

    Oh, HELL. I just realized that two of my online guys have the same name, and I totally was talking to one thinking he was the other. D: The one who actually called wasn’t the one I’d been hoping to hear from, who called yesterday when I wasn’t home. Ah well. Whoever I talked to, he sounded sweet on the phone, and I’ll talk to him again if he calls again.

    AG, I can totally see you in your mansion, lying on one of those floaty chairs in the pool, with not 3 but 30 guys fanning you and feeding you grapes and wearing speedos and trying to impress you. xD

  78.  #78Daria on January 4, 2009 at 2:12 am

    So I am feeling undecided of whether I should text the guy I used to like and tell him that now would be a good time to make a payment back to me because I need to pay my bills …

    I almost wrote out a cool text and then I accidentaly erased it so I took that as a sign not to send that one…

    Anyway I’m thinking of sending one to him and to this other guy who also owes me money to make sure it’s about money…

    I’m also considering not sending anything and not contacting him at all and dealing with this on my own… but in this case im not sure whether that would be For Me… as in not contacting him… or for fear of no response or something… which I believe I woudl feel ok dealing with no response… or is it bec I would be being “understanding” by not contacting him and letting him pay me back on his own schedule…

  79.  #79Tracy on January 4, 2009 at 4:47 am

    i was in a similar situation last week and i drove myself crazy trying to figure out wether to get the money back or not.eventually i did ask for it, and he sent me the money but honestly i realized that i felt worse because deep down i was using the situation as an excuse to talk to the guy….
    if you can get another means of gettin the money i would suggest u don’t communicate,trust me the more u put it behind and focus on yourself the better you feel…

  80.  #80Caj13 on January 4, 2009 at 7:23 am

    Tracy, that’s just the problem IF the whole thing was really a pretext (even the original lending – a ‘surefire-backfire’ way to keep a connection). Daria really does need the money, she also lent it for good-friend reasons (not just to keep his ‘interest’) and she has been trusting and patient. But now should she go into debt herself because he is not reciprocating on any level – not honoring the debt, their friendship, common courtesy, nothing!? Put up with all this pain and anguish from her family, on top of that !!??? NO – that is the world upside down! It is her DUE (as your repayment was – please STOP feeling bad about it – take a sense of power and pride that you SPOKE UP AND got your DUE).

    The whole situation seems like an analogy of the dynamics in our relationships as we have suffered from them so far, and that we’re finally (or initially, lucky youth) learning to overcome here. The woman gives herself, her time, her attention, her caring wholeheartedly, no strings-attached, because her love is just too big and generous to contain, assuming love is automatically felt like that by everyone. No need to expect tit for tat, because she assumes he will be ‘naturally’ flooding her with the same. No need to count, no need to see who ‘started’ first. He obviously enjoys it. Not everything, so he just ignores that part. Some of it is irksome, so he shows annoyance. He’s sooooo busy, doubtless with such important stuff, so a lot is wasted. Of course, he does nice stuff, too. Not in gratitude. Not For her, but when He wants to – that’s the kind of ‘interest’ she gets. Anyway, she trusts him, so if he accepts her offering, then to her he ‘must’ at least want to avoid being in her debt, right? No. Left to his own devices, he can’t fathom this kind of self-less exchange.
    If you look at the real world of traditional financing, it’s when the terms are too soft that there’s the most abuse on the part of debtors (in very poor countries giving cheap credit to …women!…does work). And then when nothing is forthcoming, that’s where our inner credit-collector cringes and collects the blood money we no longer want (Tracy’s case) or refuses to do her job and we’re left ruined -either way we feel terrible, weak, hateful, hopeless, seething.

    Thanks to Rori, in matters of the heart we now know it has to be a SELF-FULL exchange. We propose the riches of our feelings, and we do this fully aware of their incommensurable value which we won’t discount in any way. It has to start with him desiring them, and the collateral has to be himself. If he wants that precious loan of ourselves, he must realize he’ll lose a part of himself if he defaults. Otherwise, he’ll just treat the whole relationship however he treats money (or other ‘valuable’ things in his life), using it well or abusing it, whatever, but not being in love with it, not respecting it the way one respects someone as dear to you as your life.

    Daria, text, phone or face to face, just say it as matter-of-factly and simply as possible. Don’t ask. Tell your need/want. Expect satisfaction. .

    PS Hope this isn’t too late, but with your family, why not broach it the way you set it out in your riff? Start with mentioning the APR, how that looks like a good idea after all bla bla It looks to US like an honest reevaluation of your circumstances (more power to you for being willing to question earlier judgments), so that would just be making the truth work for you. Good luck

  81.  #81Maria on January 4, 2009 at 8:06 am

    l am absolutely agree with Caj here (you sound like real good defence.)
    l work in a business where you have to be very strict with money. l have seen very nice people as clients and l bond well with them, however, lm very straight forward with them, when it comes to payment, cos l cant allow any debts.
    Daria – look at this way – if you had millions in bank, one loan would make probably no difference. But in your case it is different story. You need it.
    Any cool letter or text would probably get you somewhere half way. Maybe not. (probably thats why it got accidently erased) But “his own scedule” might be somewhere in the future, but you never know when. At least he should be able to discuss this with this straight forward. No excuses allowed.

    Maria (tough on the outside, fragile on the inside)

  82.  #82Cookie on January 4, 2009 at 10:30 am

    Thanks again for all the support you guys have been sending my way and I am receiving. I spoke to my guy last night, he called me back (remember I had a moment of Leaning Forward), I didnt say anything other than hello, he initiated the conversation: “Why did you just leave like that?” i responded “i felt uncomfortable, disappointed and angry and I didn’t want to be there anymore.” I should have stopped there but I did a little more explaining, which I will practice a little harder for the future (speaking my feelings without explanation or defense of them). He asked if I was coming over, I said no, he said okay. I had other plans that night. Maybe I should of added feeling message there but oh well, you can’t get it right all the time (trying to be kind to myself here).

    Anyway, I woke up this morning with the voice of Rori in my mind and a religious program in my ear. The pastor spoke about letting go of the crutches in our lives and how some people were not meant to go to the next level with us and how we should renew the faith in ourselves that we don’t need to rely on people to do the work we need to do for ourselves. I started to reflect on how I was being in my relationship with the guy in my life. I find myself being many things, sometimes a crutch, sometimes a critic, sometimes a hater, sometimes jealous. I also find myself relying on him as my crutch, feeling inside like he is the only man that can make me feel good or support me or love me. What Rori suggests is so closely aligned to religion in a lot of ways. Let go of the control (which is really fear and lack of faith), follow your feelings (which is really your instincts or the “God” in you), and stop trying to control the outcome (more faith based stuff). I don’t know if my current love is the ONE, and I realize that I have been putting pressure on him by trying to act as if he is my one and only, and therefore has to be perfect and everything, and by not allowing other men to show up in my life. He even stated that he likes me better when I’m happy and hanging out with my friends. I found myself jealous because he is getting close to other women in his life (his sisters and his mom) and I felt like he was pushing me out of his life instead of seeing him as having and receiving more love so that he can share more of his love with me. Secretly, I have wanted him to stay in a certain place in his life so that he will always need me. But I don’t want to be this, codependent, insecure, judgemental, ungrateful, negative ball of issues anymore. I want to be happy for his successes because I too am enjoying my own. I think I’ve spent many of these years focusing on his needs and his growth, because somewhere in my I was arrogant enough to believe that he wasn’t good enough the way he was. Then I find myself resentful because I felt used and unappreciated. I mean who am I to try to “save” or change someone else, he is who he is. I want to be able to see him for all his goodness, appreciate his efforts, thank him for his gifts and his time, respect him for being different than me, and be okay with the idea that maybe he is not my future husband and believe that one day I will have my husband and children and the life i want. I think i have been afraid to focus all that energy and hope and belief on myself, it probably stems from my youth and the messages I got then. But I don’t want those old ways of thinking and feeling to be true anymore.

    I have so much work to do, but i am committed to the process of change and I know it begins with me. Hopefully the change in me will inspire others around me.

  83.  #83Tracy on January 4, 2009 at 11:11 am

    caj 13,
    you are right,my reasons for lending the money was wrong in the first place.As rori said in one of my emails,i need to learn to say no and smile and move on.I feel that being nice and generous just to get attention as i’ve been trying to do for such a long time will not get me anywhere.I feel like i have been used like a door mat only called or talked to when he needs help.I feel sad and disappointed that i have not been able to stand for myself and love myself as i should.I feel its time i changed my mindset love my frustrations my disappointment.and i am going to start that right now.
    thanks for your input CJ13

  84.  #84Maria on January 4, 2009 at 12:39 pm

    There was something that catched my eye in Caj´s post, l will paste it here:

    “Of course, he does nice stuff, too. Not in gratitude. Not For her, but when He wants to – that’s the kind of ‘interest’ she gets.”

    l belive that was with my last man, the love of my life. He liked to poin out the stuff he had done, but l never felt it was adressed to me, it was more like depending on his mood (he was pretty self centered) When he felt like he didnt want to, then he just didnt and that was it.
    And of course he enjoyed all the advantages he could get from me.
    From time to time l wish he gets all the bad back of what he did to me.

  85.  #85Daria on January 4, 2009 at 1:33 pm

    Sigh… the universe has listened and actually sent me a really nice guy… that makes me laugh… is going to be my client and therefore put money in my pocket… AND is going to help me start my business by doing all my phone calls which i don’t like to do for the pleasure of doing a “project” for me.

    The problem is this guy likes me and I like him as a friend so far. He’s cute but “not my type,” he’s nice and goofy and I like strong and macho. In the past I have not really started to feel attraction for a guy that I didn’t see as my type at first, only wound up breaking their hearts which made me feel guilty and bad.

    I don’t really Want to like him more because I don’t agree with his aspirations for the future (I don’t support his career path). I feel afraid that by me helping him (I’m a tutor) pass his tests with the purpose of him going on the career path he has chosen I am not following my integrity…

    I feel sad… I feel like I am pushing good things away and nitpicking and I feel afraid I will have to turn this guy away when it would feel so fun to be his friend/date him/let him help me…

  86.  #86alias girl on January 4, 2009 at 2:02 pm

    i love you guys. which still feels kind of gross and rickety to say. ugh. gag me.

    i don’t want to have any more fear in regards to normal daily living. or ever really. good reaction times (ie in case of aforementioned bear attack etc) but fear seems quite unneccessary and unproductive.

    i want to start LIVING a different kind of life. not a complete overhaul (i don’t think unless that would make me blissfully happy then i’m all for it. bc what i am really after is bliss. 🙂 )

    i want;

    1)friends i really like and feel comfortable around and can be my authentic self around and VICE VERSA. i have people in my life that we are mutually poilte with but it feels so strained and even somewhat draining to spend extended amounts of time with.

    2) boyfriends! suitors! dates! romance! sex!

    3) wealth

    4) success

    5) a sleeping schedule that feels conducive to the life i want to lead

    6) activities with said friends and boyfriends. (fun!)

    7) a nice home

    8) perfect health

    also travel, pets. business associates that i trust and we work well together and are trustworthy. also i want to develp some new hobbies.

    so i am documenting it here so the universe has a list to refer to in case it gets confused or forgets what i want. if the universe needs more detail i have several different folders in my apt documenting what i consider to be my ideal life , relationships and love life or the kind of men i like.

    ok. so thank you in advance. i appreciate all the energy being adjusted to bring this forth for me. also on a more immediate request i would like my rent for jan that was due a few days ago to miraculously appear or somehow work that situation out or at the very least give me some idea what to say to my landlord and then also maybe a little puff of courage that will instigate me to call him and let him know what the deal is. thank you. i appreciate all of it. xoxo

  87.  #87Daria on January 4, 2009 at 2:44 pm

    Thank you you guys… I sent a text about money to two guys… no response yet … yet i feel relieved and I keep forgetting that I even sent the text… so that has to be good right?

  88.  #88Tallulah on January 4, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    Good Grief Charlie Brown! A seriously cute guy who I dated about a month ago who literally dropped off the planet texted me earlier out of the blue. We had a very steamy, intimate and brief encounter. I did not get hung up on him (cos I was too busy getting hung up on another! urgh) Anyway, here he is but he has not gone further than hi, how are you and some daft stuff. When we were hanging out before I was definitely overfunctioning in every aspect of my life, so is he going to think I am schizophrenic and/or blowing hot and cold now if I lean back? I used a couple of ‘feelings’ out too, I love this, it feels like an exciting experiment, I don’t mind trying stuff out with this guy either, I like him but not worried what happens here so any ideas I’d love to know. What next?

  89.  #89alias girl on January 4, 2009 at 10:37 pm

    geesh. it took persitance to post this comment! it kept not wanting to work for me for some reason. (prob my phone)

    that’s awesome tallulah. just keep leaning back and practicing your i feels etc. guys don’t really keep track of specifics like oh last time she was totally overfunctioning. they more keep track of how good or bad they feel in relation to how close or far away they get to you. he’ll probably just notice that he’s more interested this time around but won’t know that it’s bc you are leaning back, being your authentic goddeess self and practicing your i feels with your unzippered heart. 🙂 have fun. good luck!

  90.  #90Tallulah on January 4, 2009 at 11:15 pm

    Thanks for that! I’ll let you know how it goes.

  91.  #91Cassandra on January 5, 2009 at 1:43 pm

    Maria….sorry I did not get to respond until now but thank you for your wonderful encouragement. It makes me feel so happy to know that you DO think that Charles actually did and does want me and will step up and surprise me when I share my power speech with him…I so hope that you are right. Thank you so much. You are a blessing. Love you! XOXO

  92.  #92Cassandra on January 5, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    Tallulah…I agree with AG….just lean back and enjoy it. This can a be a HUGE learning tool for you and can be super fun while you’re learning how to use the tools! YAY for you!!!! XOXOXOX
    Daria…I am proud of you for stnding up for YOU…this is about more than the money in my mind…it is about YOU standing up for YOU….and you are! Look at it as business…the same thing with your family. You are doing great!!
    I loveyou guys……

  93.  #93Tallulah on January 5, 2009 at 4:19 pm

    Thank you Cassandra, I wanted you to know that I feel really pulled towards your posts, there is such a similarity in what you are going through now to where I was just a few months ago. I know I don’t ‘know you’ but I feel like I do and I really, really care and I hope you don’t mind me saying so. I feel worried that you or others here might think ‘who is she to say this or that when you don’t know me,’ but it really gets to me when I read your posts. I feel that it’s so very unfair,it makes me sad, I have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I feel like you have been putting him first, but then I feel like you are getting stronger and it echoes my journey and I want to cheer you on, because I have had a couple of stumbles but all in all I am so much happier now and I want you to be happy too. You deserve a break. It makes me realise how low you can get, how much self esteem you can lose by trying to work out a way to fix something that might not be fixed. It feels so frustrating because it doesn’t make sense and if you are ‘good enough’ and try hard enough you should be able to work out a way. The most frustrating thing that I felt and now feel for you is that the results are rarely based on the amount of effort we’ve put in. Good grief, you are so patient and considerate and so lovely I wish he’d wise up! I have a close girlfriend who would just hug me and keep telling me I was a special person and I would get through it. Some days I felt anger towards her because she would say stuff I didn’t want to hear and things I didn’t believe but she helped me so much. I am so grateful to her for being constant and I am passing on her love, through me, to you xxx
    The guy who I will call The Experiment: Oh god I feel like a bitch, I am not, I just wanted to be funny and lighten the mood. He texted a few times so I said it felt really good to be in contact again but I felt like my thumbs are going to seize up from all the texting & was there any reason why we couldn’t talk? Not sure if that was ‘text book’ but I felt I was being honest. He texted back saying he was with his family (parents) but he would love to call me as soon as he can and I deserved that much, he went on to apologise for ‘disappearing’ last month and texted me first thing today to say he was thinking about me and how being with just his family over Xmas made him realise that he’s lonely and he’s been focusing on work too much. Wow. I didn’t even ask for that, it just happened. I feel like some of what he says could be true. I also get the feeling that he probably thought he could come to me for some ‘stroking’ too (not like before Mister!) but I am enjoying the opportunity to try this stuff out so I feel fine about whatever the reason. I also I felt good, having just been ‘dumped’ it feels nice when someone says they’re thinking about you. I thanked him for getting in touch and I tried out feeling messages, it feels strange at first but I am really practising it. As I was focusing on how I felt and expressing it it totally took the pressure off everything else. Normally I’d get to about lunchtime and want some more contact (or to get ‘stroked’ back) and would text or call but I didn’t. I feel very relaxed about it all. I am glad he didn’t call yet, part of me wanted him to, but I am just getting the hang of expressing myself in a new way so he sort of did me a favour. When he calls I’ll be able to do it ‘for real’..well I’ll give it a damn good go.
    Now this riffing business, I thought I’d found it but I can’t seem to find the ‘how to do it’, I have looked in power & self esteem, pls can anyone help (you know I mean Daria and AG!) Also do I start with that or is there a process I should be following?

  94.  #94Cassandra on January 5, 2009 at 5:48 pm

    Tallulah…thank you so much and NO…I don’t mind you saying so! I welcome your input as well as those of the other awesome women here….every nit of it helps me even if I am – at that point – thinking differently. It ALL helps me so much. Thank you so kuch for your love and your support. I have to tell you that I absolutely HATE that you went thru something similar because it hurts so much and feels so uncertain and feels that you have NO control over what is happening to you. I am thrilled that you are in auch a better place and have hope that I will be as well. I know that once I have delivered my power speech to Charles I will be feeling a ton of fear but at the same time I will feel as though for the first time in a very long time I have been true to myself. I am crying as I even write this. I am honestly so so afraid that he will turn around (figuratively speaking) and walk the other way when i tell him that if I do have to move that I cannot have him in my life anymore…that it would hurt me way too much and that I will need to move on with my life…without him…even though I would indeed still POSSIBLY take him back…I can’t tell him that. He needs to know that if I move…we are pretty much finished. Now if I decide once I move to take him back then fine but he does not need to have that info before I move…he needs to know that if I have to move that we are over and then he can decide what he wants to do from there but in my mind..I have to move on. I am terrified that he will let me go…that he will still want me to move and that I will have to move on with my life wihtout him. So many people though are telling me that they realy do think that he will step up before I move…that we will go ahead and get married and live happily ever after..together. I so hope that they are right…only time will tell. I cannot enjoy the now moments though because all of this is still hanging over my head and that feels awful. it is not as though I would be moving soon though..I still don’t even have a job.
    I am so happy though that you are sticking to your guns and leting HIM come to you! Keep up the great work and you will continue to feel better and better about everything. About the riffing…..I will try to find exactly which post it is that breaks that all down and get that to you…..so stay tuned and I will try to get it to you as soon as I can. Thanks again Tallulah and know that you are a real gift to me and all of us.
    With much love and tons of hugs…..

  95.  #95Caj13 on January 6, 2009 at 6:38 am

    Dear Cassandra, This is really about YOU being Willing and Wanting to stay, and not at all about him ‘keeping’ you or anything else.

    Your new friend definitely has a point about being honest and upfront with your needs, including what you will Not Accept, and In Time for it to do any good, i.e. before you have definitively thrown in the towel. They say when a woman stops talking, there is nothing left to discuss. After a group discussion of divorce, heartbreak, the usual, I once asked a marriage-counselor friend, Well, what makes the good marriages stick? She said that in almost every case (among her clients and friends), the woman had to either walk out or threaten to do so, – not as a tactic, but because she was sincerely ready to take the consequences if hubby didn’t come around.

    I’m wishing you all the courage in the world, and know that it’s growing like wildfire within you. Don’t think of it as scorched-earth policy, but a powerful force that is blazing your trail ahead.

    XOXO to all – get Well, Up, Happy QUICK!

  96.  #96Cassandra on January 6, 2009 at 7:28 am

    Caj13…..Your message meant more to me than you can imagine! After doing some other reading I was getting so confused about some things….wondering if giving him the power speech really is the thing to do but after reading your post I felt alot better about it again. I am SO DEEPLY aware that this is about me and not him and that when I talk tohim about how I feel (I.E. power speech) I absolutely MUST MUST MUST be ready to accept the possibility of our relationship being over and me having given up everything and i mean EVERYTHING….for nothing. I have to be ready to accept those consequences if he does indeed tell me once again that ‘he is not ready’. I hate that I feel this way and I so deeply hope that i wrong but I do think that once I share my tryuefeelings with him that that will be it…we will be over. I am not ready to accept that yet so I have to wait to talk to him until I am…..period. You are so right and I am thankful for you sharing with me/us what your marriage counselor friend said about the woman leaving..that did help me alot. Thank you so much for your love and support and I am so sorry that I keep going back and forth like the tide…I feel that you guys must be so so so sick of me and my indeciiveness & process by now. I am so thankful for all of you.
    with love and tons of hugs…..

  97.  #97Tallulah on January 6, 2009 at 12:33 pm

    Cassandra, no-one else can walk your path, so I am sure I am not alone in saying no-one here would or should ever JUDGE your choices. x

  98.  #98Cassandra on January 6, 2009 at 1:00 pm

    Thanks Tallulah….I do think that the power speech is the only thing that I can do and then be willing to accept his answers but also stay true to me and what I want, need and feel. I will do it but I have to get to the point where I am ready to accept whatever he says and then be strong enough to continue moving forward without him if he decides that he does still want me to move out but we would still be together (in his mind). That is the part I am dealing with now…..gaining the strength in ME to do what I have to do for ME should he decide that he does still want me to move after hearing how I feel about things.

    You had asked yesterday about Riffing. If you go to the Power and Self Esteem Series and go backwards thru the posts…you will come to the one called Coaching Yourself To Power and Self Esteem. I looked thru them again but this one seemed to really breakdown the riffing. I hope that this helps you. I am going thru them all again to make sure that I REALLY get it all. Thanks again for your love and support. Iam not sure what I would do without all of you.

  99.  #99Tallulah on January 6, 2009 at 5:30 pm

    Thanks again I will have a look there and see if I can find it. Good for you Cassandra, you do what’s right for YOU exactly when YOU need to do it. I feel life is just like that, it all happens exactly as and when it’s supposed to. With hindsight it all makes perfect sense, but when you’re ‘in amongst it’ sometimes you can’t see the wood for the trees. Again, if it helps I was where you are. I knew what I had to do but I wasn’t ready. My friends were way ahead of me ( I, like you, worried that people would think I was to-ing and fro-ing and it was all getting rather boring for them)but they didn’t have the emotional connection so it’s easy for people to say, “you should do this or that”, they patiently supported me whilst I figured it out for myself. It was sloooow! It took me about a year or slightly longer? I needed some time for my head and heart to catch up with each other. I became numb too, which was strangely useful. When it was all raw and sore it was hard for me to work it out or step back and look at it with any clarity but gradually I felt my fuse (slooowly) got burnt up and I sort of lost the passion and energy and I feel I lost some of my connection to him..and that was when I was able to see things clearly without a red mist of anger or tears in my eyes. When we are all v v old and v v grey I feel you’ll smile with pride for yourself when you look back on this phase of your life x

  100.  #100Cassandra on January 6, 2009 at 5:50 pm

    Talullah…Thank you for that beautiful post. It really touched my heart. Sometimes I do feel that I am frustrating people that care about me but in being true to ME..I have to get there in whatever way I do and if you act on someone else’s advice without it really ringing true in your own heart it will backfire and you will end up regretting your words or your actions becuase you did not really believe in them to begin with. On that note….I got to start listening to Reconnect today and I am LOVING IT!!! I did not realize that as mush as I have been trying so hard to lean waaaaaaaaaaay back…I have still been leaning forward without even knowing it. Charles and I usually talk several times throughout the day and we have always done that because to stay connected with him gone Monday thru Friday of each week we have to talk or we will assuredly drift apart. Anyway….I so wanted to call him this afternoon and I have not called. I know that we will talk before one of us goes to bed but I have not called him since we talked earlier today. Usually we would have talked a few more times by now but since that last conversation…I have not called him. It is hard because I am SO used to just picking up the phone but I am really trying to lean back for real now that I know that what I was trying to do before hearing even just the beginning of Reconnect was leaning forward not back….so….I suppose that this is my baby step #1. You are most likely going to laugh but I am proud of that teeny tiny little step even as small as it is. I am so excited to get more into the program so that I can try to fix stuff that I did that was so wrong without knowing it and continue to hope that it will change me forever and that Charles will turn his butt around and we will get married soon and that I will not have to move….ever.

  101.  #101Bebe on January 6, 2009 at 6:58 pm

    Oh Cassandra,
    I love how you describe it the going to and fro like the tide. I don’t know how long you and C have been together. But I have been like that tide for so long too. I always felt that the man would pull relationship forward he would seal the deal on his own after 1 or 2 years. How naive I was, now I can pull out of myself and see us as a movie. And as I dive deeper into my feelings about life being authentic with him maybe he will follow and still lead into commitement
    There is so much good stuff that keeps a couple together when it is by choice, and it is rare. Trust me all our men knowe wht they have.

    Hooray for your victory in health! What a way to startyNew Year!!

  102.  #102heartbeat on January 13, 2009 at 5:40 am

    Oh….. what?! I’m confused – is the above comment spam??

  103.  #103alias girl on January 13, 2009 at 7:48 pm

    yes the post above yours (calling us sukrats) is an advertisement for breast enhancement.

  104.  #104Rori Raye on January 13, 2009 at 9:05 pm

    Thanks all for catching the spam…I deleted it…Rori

  105.  #105heartbeat on January 14, 2009 at 12:09 am

    Thanks Rori! I felt INVADED. Now I feel taken care of.

    I would feel happy to pay a subscription to have a private area on the blog.

    Gosh now I feel ANGRY! I feel like a horse with flared nostrils and teeth showing. Ok now I’m laughing and full of energy 🙂

  106.  #106alias girl on January 20, 2009 at 8:05 pm

    thank you rori for providing a safe space for us to become. ah i unexpectedly just felt more gratitude than i expected to. aw. thanks. xoxo

    i feel cared for.

  107.  #107Ness on March 10, 2009 at 1:23 pm

    “Once you’re settled with a man – you can’t be wild and crazy and stupid and messed up and – completely free with some other man. Take your life for the joy it is.”

    This is the best advice ever, I love this. It’s simply so wise, so comforting. And it rings so true. Especially to someone who is not so far from feeling wild and crazy and stupid and messed up…

    I love this. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  108.  #108Ness on March 12, 2009 at 11:32 am

    I’ve just re-read this post, and yes, it’s true. Sex with a man suddenly makes him “special” to us. It triggers those hopes and dreams that this might be “the one”, and sometimes we hang on to those hopes and dreams beyond all reason. Just because of sex. Maybe it is hormones. Or maybe during sex, we catch a glimpse of the Divine Masculine, and we are falling in love with *that*. We are hoping to spend the rest of our lives with *that*.

  109.  #109Lucy on September 13, 2009 at 8:57 pm

    I have a question for Rori and anyone else who would like to share their thoughts: Is it possible to have tantric sex within a relationship that is only casual or part of “circular dating”? A man in my life initiated the discussion of tantra as a possibilty in our relationship (we have not had sex of any kind yet), but my tentative feelings are that tantric sex (being such a deeply connecting, merging, and spiritual experience) is, almost by definition, incompatible with a casual, non-committed relationship, which is what we have right now. So I feel kind of confused that he would bring it up, and I am not ready to tell him I feel confused, because I feel scared about my feelings for him. On the one hand, I would love to have that experience with him, but on the other hand, I am afraid that I may have already fallen in love with him, and that having sex on that level would connect me with him even more – and there is no evidence that he feels the same way about me. Any insights? Thanks!

  110.  #110Rori Raye on September 14, 2009 at 3:58 pm

    Melanie, GREAT QUESTION. If you can handle sex, you can have it with anyone. If you can’t, then don’t. Sometimes you don’t know until you try…but I’d pass on this and have sex with yourself or a friend you KNOW you won’t fall for. Love, Rori