He Betrayed You Long Ago – Now What?

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The Question:

“Hi Rori, I have hesitated a lot before writing to you directly again, probably because in a way I am feeling embarrassed.

I haven’t gotten to the point yet where I want to ask him about how he feels about our relationship, but I just did something that is making me feel awful: I have checked his email.

And of course I found one, over a year back, where he asked a young woman he knows from work to be his date on a motorcycle ride.

It was on a Saturday, and she refused.

No other weird emails since, to her or anyone.

I feel deeply hurt by this because the next day, he came to my house and spent the day with me and my whole family.

I feel of course very betrayed right now and played and used.

I also feel like a scumbag (sorry to be so direct) for looking into his email.

I really enjoy every single moment I spend with this man, but I just have a very hard time trusting him and giving myself completely to him.

Also over a year ago, he cheated (can we say cheating though when nobody has ever talked about exclusivity?) and admitted to it (one night stand).

That compromised my trust though. I am not sure what to do.

I would love to apply your tools (again, I have all your programs), but here is a strange fear that I have: what if I talk to him and he says ok, I want us to be exclusive and then I am never able to find it in me to really trust him?

This is a mess isn’t it?

One part of me is saying this is too messy, you should run, you are going to get hurt and another part is telling me that we are really good together and fir the first time, when I am with him and am not worried about other women, I really am myself (not that easy to achieve in my case). Can you please help me?

Thank you so much! Played”

My Answer:

Played – quickly – these betrayals were LONG ago, yes? And nothing’s happened since?

For me, the question of “exclusivity” is NEVER an “assumption”.

In other words, if you don’t talk about it with him, and WANT to agree to it – at least to sexual exclusivity – there are no “agreements”.

I can understand a man wanting to make sure he’s with the right woman, and so dating other women (just like I insist all women Circular Date until the relationship is absolutely going the way they want it to go, with the level of commitment and devotion they want).

And I see that it still feels wrong to you – even though he seems to now feel totally committed to you, and hasn’t dated anyone else.

So – now’s the time to talk.

Actually make an agreement with him.  Ask him what he sees for you as a couple. Ask about his feelings of exclusivity.  Ask how he wants this to go!

If you can’t get over the other women, and can’t see talking with him about it all (including owning up to checking his email that one time, perhaps…oh! by the way, I believe in an early “open phone, open email” Agreement…)…

…then you may not be able to stay in the relationship.

You’ll be sitting on those feelings forever.

And open, deep, honest communication is crucial to the success of a relationship.

I would counsel that you DO get over them, and start fresh with this man.

Your feelings of resentment will damage the relationship anyway – so now’s the time to make the choice.

If you’d like help learning how to communicate in such an open (and, yes, scary) way – you might want to invest in a month of the Siren School Memebership with live coaching on Siren Island, here:

Or, perhaps an affordable, yet brilliant private coach through the Siren Circle Private Coaching program here:

Love, Rori

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