He Broke Her Heart for Valentine’s Day – and Then Mended it Many Times Over

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My interviewee for this months Interview With Relationship Experts is actually 2 people – a couple – and my first time ever interviewing a couple.

Matthew and Orna Walters of CreatingLoveOnPurpose.com just got married last year, and their personal stories of being only in miserable relationships, one after the other, for all of their adult lives – and then finding each other and creating this amazing thing they have now will give you such a great feeling of hope – no matter where you’re at now.

Orna told me this full story once, and I was quite mesmerized. Now she’s written it down, and I wanted to share it with you (Orna called this “Matthew Broke My Heart” – but I wanted to make it more universal for us):

Matthew Broke My Heart…

Often times in relationship we have expectations. Sometimes we are not even aware of our expectations.

Last year for Valentine’s Day Matthew and I decided to lay low, spend the day together and keep things low-key. We didn’t go out of town, or spend a lot of money – with our wedding in October we were on a tighter budget. So after a day of bike riding and making our own pizza dough for Vegan Pizza we sat down on the couch and I handed him an envelope and small gift.

Matthew opened the card, the gift, thanked me profusely, kissed me and said “I..uh…I don’t have anything for you.” Slowly my eyes filled with tears that soon spilled over onto my cheeks like a light rain. How is this possible? I kept thinking. Here I was in the best relationship of my life, my soul mate, the easiest relationship ever, and for Valentine’s Day he got me nothing?

The light rain of tears gained the force of a powerful storm and the only words I could squeak out were “I just need to feel what I’m feeling.” I got up, went to the bedroom and shut the door. I threw myself on the bed and sobbed like a baby. It was inconceivable, Matthew had broken my heart.

Shortly thereafter there was a knock on the door and my Beloved entered with his head low and a heavy heart. “I am so sorry,” he said with tears in his eyes. “I thought since we said we were laying low that we were not exchanging gifts. I blew it. I am so sorry.”

I cried in his arms as he stroked my hair and begged for forgiveness. Finally, I looked up at him and said, “I just never thought you would break my heart.”

The next day I got down to my car to find a note that read, “I love you, Baby and I am truly sorry. I know that we will grow stronger because of this. Just know that I am in mourning for your broken heart. Your Soul Mate, Matthew xoxo.”

I had stated on many occasions how much I would enjoy receiving notes, so finding a note on my car – scribbled on the back of a deposit envelope – really did illustrate thoughtfulness and effort.

Later that evening I was given a card – not a Valentine’s Day Card – rather a simple card with a cookie on the front (when asked what was my favorite kind of cake, my answer is often “COOKIES!”) and a note inside informing me that I am the first-ever recipient of: Orna Appreciation Month!

For the next THIRTY-ONE days I received a card or a note that showered appreciation on one aspect of my being. For Thirty-One Days.

I had the expectation of a card. One card. What I received was thirty-one cards/notes. I was thrilled and so excited to receive the first, second, third…oh, and by the fourth I was realizing that I had to literally expand my capacity to receive because Matthew had just gotten started.

There were nights I was so tired and worked so long that I had forgotten completely, only to find a card under my pillow.

The cards and notes continued and continued. When I thought, “He must simply be out of ideas,” or “How can he keep coming up with something new?” they continued. When I was crabby or cranky or dare I label it PMS, they continued. For a full, longest month on the calendar, I was showered with appreciation.

The cards were funny, touching, sentimental, they made me cry, they made me uncomfortable because I was not used to receiving this much. Was I worthy? Oh, I share with you to my own amazement, I was worthy! I was worthy of allowing this man to love me.

Someone told me a long time ago that when your heart breaks it actually breaks open to hold more love. That is exactly what happened to my heart last year. Matthew did break my heart, and because of it my heart is bigger and fuller and able to hold more love.

The interview is just gangbusters, Orna is a rip-roaring, truth-telling, high-energy, sweet, loving, regular, unique, passionate woman – and her stories of her life before meeting Matthew and then the amazing and loving way they handle their fabulous relationship will make your mouth hang open – and to top it off – I then corner Matthew into responding to HIS side of everything.

Totally illuminating.

These guys have it going on, and they have a lot to offer us all – it’s hope and “how-to” put together.

Love, Rori

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118 Comments

  1.  #1Daria on February 12, 2010 at 5:11 pm

    oohh i feel sobbing… that is sosooooooo sweeetttttttttttt…….



  2.  #2tinque on February 12, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    Though this turned out well for Orna, for me I have learned to not expect anything, for then I can be surprised as each moment unfolds.
    I had a similar situation a few years ago. I had bought a few tiny gifts, had a card ready, but since I had prepared these things, I had also set myself up for disappointment, for I expected something, anything in return, yet this isn’t entirely true. I wanted something like I had given. I wanted a card, a gift, maybe flowers.
    At the time K was working out of town, far away, yet close enough that he could fly up on Monday mornings and back home Thursday nights.
    Valentine’s Day was on a Tuesday that year, and we had symphony tickets. After a long work day, he flew home so that we could go hear beautiful music together and get to be with each other, sleep together, maybe even have sex, and he had to fly back again the next morning.
    What a beautiful gift that was, but I was so wrapped up in my expectations, I missed it.
    So I expect nothing, and what I get instead exceeds anything I may have expected.
    xxoo



  3.  #3Robin on February 12, 2010 at 6:48 pm

    I need to read this again. Im in the middle of a storm. Im feeling so many emotions right now. A guy friend of mine asked me about former fav guy so i told him about the bday thing. He told me to not say anything to him about it & that there may be a good reason that he couldnt contact me. That im assuming he didnt want to contact me & to get him a small valentines card to show i care. And that i put a lot of meaning into bdays, that he might not think theyre such a big deal & that i may be overreacting. Well i considered not saying anything, but then i remembered that we’re not going out for valentines day, bc he didnt ask. And i started to feel angry. And im imagining what i would say & its angry & biting. And im like well what right do you have to question him? He doesnt owe you anything. Hes not obligated to you. Youre just upset bc you were hoping hed do something for your bday & valentines. And i feel like falling into a corner. I dont deserve to be alone on valentines.



  4.  #4Robin on February 12, 2010 at 7:07 pm

    And my ex is prob going to be w his fiance. He helped me this week & emotions came back into the picture. Its the first time weve seen each other outside of church in over a year & my heart got activated. And i wont be alone sunday, i apologize for saying that but i want to be out with a fabulous fabulous man whom i love on sunday. And former fav & ex are the only 2 i really want. And im just so sad about former fav guy. I sent him a txt this wk 2 let him know about the spade tournament next wk that he asked about to which he said ‘i will be there’ thats the only communication we’ve had this week.And if theres anyone that im dating that id want to be with on valentines day its him. I dont know whether to say something sunday @ church & let the chips fall where they may or not say anything & let the chips fall where they may.



  5.  #5Orna Walters on February 12, 2010 at 8:02 pm

    Daria: Thank you. You are sweet. 😉

    Robin: I feel your pain. I really do. The thing about a storm is its just emotion. For me, I find that when I honor how I’m feeling, I can feel it and then move on and feel something else.

    In my humble opinion, and I may sound blunt here: Stop trying to GUESS what is going on with former fav guy. This is not about him anyway. Its not whether or not he makes a big deal out of birthdays – YOU Do! Honor YOUR Feelings.

    Would you want to be someone on Sunday who is not accepting you/loving you/seeing you for who you really are? If your answer is YES….ummm…well, then consider what message you sending out about what you will accept and how you value yourself.

    Do not settle for less than what you truly want! Not just in a relationship, not for a day, not for an hour! When you decide you will not settle and are clear about what you truly desire, then you are positioned to receive it.

    Honor yourself. Value yourself. There’s only one of you.

    If you do find you are alone on V-day you can check out a list of “Inner Child Dates” here: http://creatingloveonpurpose.com/_blog/Free_Articles/post/Is_Your_Cup_Empty_or_Overflowing/

    and take yourself out on a date you will never forget.



  6.  #6dorothea on February 12, 2010 at 8:13 pm

    i feel hateful and resentful towards valentines day. men treat me well all the time, and they make me feel special and pay attention to me and buy my meal ALL THE TIME. if they only did that once a year when the calendar says it’s time to be romantic, i would laugh them off the stage.

    but valentines day…ohhhh valentines day. it gets under my skin and for some reason i have come to associate, if even a small way (but it’s probably bigger than i want to admit), what i receive on valentines day with my self worth. I FEEL ANGRY AND TRICKED. the only reason i associate my self worth with what happens on Feb. 14 is because SOME FUCKERS TOLD ME AND EVERY WOMAN I KNOW SINCE THE DAY WE WERE BORN (i’m 25) THAT I SHOULD ASSOCIATE PART OF MY SELF WORTH WITH WHAT HAPPENS ON FEB 14.

    these are the same fuckers who told my mom that if I don’t do something special for her on the first sunday (mother’s day) of every May, that I’m a bad daughter…even if i am a good daughter all the time. And my poor mom has been brainwashed by these fuckers to associate her self worth with what happens to her on the first sunday of every may.

    It feels good and right to have holidays commemorating important people. Martin Luther King Jr, the great presidents that came before our current time, veterans, our lovers, our mothers… but we aren’t compelled to go out of our way and do something costly and special for those that are truly great in a larger than ourselves way like George Washington or Martin Luther King.

    From now on, I am holding my mother and my lovers to the same level of greatness as George Washington. I don’t have to buy George Washington a present on Presidents Day, and now, I don’t have to buy you one either! cuz you’re that great:D



  7.  #7Lori on February 12, 2010 at 9:40 pm

    I feel sad and resentful of Valentine’s Day too. As much as I circular date, I didn’t get asked out by a single one of them for this particular weekend, and I feel resentful that this one day is reminding me that all of my relationships are casual and meaningless. As much as I fear intimacy, I crave it also. I feel lonely. I feel envious of all of the women who will be spending time with someone who loves them on Sunday. I feel angry that I feel envious because I love everyone and don’t like feeling envious of their happiness. I want to feel happy for them, not envious. I hardly ever get envious, and I feel angry that I am letting a commercialized holiday make me feel this way as well as sad and unworthy of love. I feel angry that this day is sucking out my goddess energy. It’s just another day that flower shops and jewelry stores and candy companies use to make a profit! I don’t feel very goddess like at the moment…..



  8.  #8heartbeat on February 13, 2010 at 12:36 am

    Orna – I read this story on your site last night, and here it is again! I feel full of admiration at how you let your feelings BE, let them out and be seen (and how Matthew responded, but that’s not the point). Thank you for sharing your story.

    Lori & Dorothea – I feel your disappointment, pain and anger. I feel dismay though when I hear or read anything about valantine’s day just being a commercial ripoff – it’s what I used to tell myself to cover up my feelings.

    I love the romance and specialness of the day – in a unique, meaningful form. In Orna’s story, Matthew gave her thirty times a gift that meant LOVE to her – notes and cards with special meaning. She didn’t hide how important it felt to her.

    I used my feelings to help me step out of my relationship – I got the ‘it’s all a commercial ripoff’ speech, and ‘I’ll see how I feel’ when discussing whether he was going to come out (he’s closeted himself away with depression) – and I felt alone, sad and angry. I felt on a string.

    That’s not to blame him – he can do what he likes – but I know how I feel and what I want, and waiting on a man to decide does not feel good. So facing my real feelings squarely, sharing them on the level in feeling messages and stepping out – has been like one HUGE valentine’s card from ME to ME.

    I shall, at the very least, be loving my cotton-socks self with whatever feels deeply loving on the day – whether it be painting my apartment, a nice meal, shopping, meditation or dancing – and that feels powerful and good.



  9.  #9Daria on February 13, 2010 at 2:32 am

    omgosh… the way ray j called cocktail a bitch as he was exiting was just like the way guywhohadababy called me on our last long ago phone converstion (i didnt think he’d do that) ouch! I feel triggered..

    but now suddenly a more recent memory of him sorta tryna talk to me when i wasnt paying him attention really came up to comfort me

    yay

    ray J reminds me of guy who had a baby a lot! a lot of his expressions and the way he interacts and thinks… but not enough the same in that im not really feeling ray j all like that

    i judge him as immature and not mocho enuf for me (like i judged guywhohadababy before i decided to go for it with him)



  10.  #10Starlight_29 on February 13, 2010 at 2:56 am

    I aggree with Heartbeat, i used to be the same like Lori and Dorothea, just another way to finanically gain, but i see it diffrent now everyday should be special with your mate but alot of people get caught up with day to day life, i think having a special day to remind yourself of being loving to your mate or yourself is great! some people do that every day but the 14th could be made extra special!

    even if you dont have a date do somthing with yourself even if it’s eating somthing you love, singing your heart out or just chilling and reminding yourself how lovley you are, write a poem about yourself about how sexy and sizzling hot you are
    make it fun, after all man or not it’s all about you!

    I dont have a date this weekend but thats because im not in the mood, it’s that time of the month and i just wanna lay in bed, but i will take time out to just be me and loving myself xxxx



  11.  #11mary contrary on February 13, 2010 at 3:21 am

    i’m having fun!

    six dates down and one to go! let me see… i received some beautiful flowers! a card! was taken to dinner twice! had two offers for quickies! (i said no…) i received some pictures of flowers! and i got some amazingly thoughtful emails.

    now i don’t know how i can ever get married! this is way too fun.

    R who?



  12.  #12mary contrary on February 13, 2010 at 3:22 am

    and the guy tonight asked me to be his valentine! i said yes!



  13.  #13mary contrary on February 13, 2010 at 3:26 am

    and i figured out my attraction to the sex addict. i can’t remember his name right now !!!?!?!

    want to hear?

    okay….



  14.  #14mary contrary on February 13, 2010 at 3:46 am

    oh!

    and before i get into THAT… remember the guy who’s coming in March for a visit?

    the guy who’s just getting a divorce, and we used to date when we were teenagers?

    he emailed me some pictures of a house he wants to buy. he wanted my approval.

    i told him to come visit me first, then think about buying it! (it’s only a month!)

    you know WHAT? if something worked for us (which i really think it might), I’d like for us to pick out a house together! what’s so wrong with that?

    and this guy has three dogs that he’s going to have to say goodbye to because of the divorce, because he travels… but he wants the house so he can eventually reclaim the dogs, and i’m ALLERGIC to dogs!

    so GUESS WHAT?

    i TOLD HIM.

    i know. totally unMarylike.

    and he said, “oh, okay. the dogs have to go.”

    and i also told him how i felt about being considered a partner in the big decisions in life, and he interrupted me and said, “okay. i won’t buy the house. i’ll just rent for a while.”

    i told him a little, TINY, snippet of a story about R, and how when we were engaged, he went out and bought a condo, fixed it up with my colors, never said a word about US living there, and when we broke up, he sold it right away… and how i felt so left out and confused!

    and he said, “i understand.”

    yipppppppppppeeeeeeeeeee! hoooooooorrraaaaaaaaay!

    a man who understands!



  15.  #15mary contrary on February 13, 2010 at 3:58 am

    okay.

    about the sex addiction thing, and why in the world i would not turn on my heel and walk away, when the flower was still in the bud…

    here’s why:

    being with him was serving me.

    it kept my passionate, steamy, playful, sexy self off the streets! out of the bars! and out of everyone else’s bed. i was SAFE with him because he wanted to spend time with me even though i wouldn’t have sex with him! he kept dating me. and we were sooooooo attracted to each other.

    and it worked for him because i wouldn’t have sex with him, and he was trying to turn himself around and NOT be a sex addict. but he could be with me and enjoy my feminine ways, and he would just not get started with the kissing, because there was no place to go…

    and it was terribly confusing, because one of us would just COME ON to the other, and each of us would shut the other down, and because he couldn’t commit, because he was SO SCARED OF EVERYTHING, we just stayed in limbo.

    until i said NO.

    No More for Mary.

    No more lying next to the back of a man.
    No more hoping and wondering if tonight would be the special night, and we would kisssssssssssssss!
    No more trying to keep myself from acting feminine.
    No more trying!
    No more crying.
    No more R.

    Oh! i miss him…



  16.  #16mary contrary on February 13, 2010 at 4:06 am

    this guy who bought my hot chocolate tonight! (no walk; it was raining, so he suggested dinner, and we went!)

    is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY YOUNGER.

    and i am not a cougar.

    and he wants to show me some special things around town on Sunday! and he says he loves mature women. (why in the world?)

    and i just want to plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

    feelin’ feisty…

    and he’s so cute.

    and i know it could never last.

    and now…

    i’m at war with myself again.

    but now…

    i can handle this situation without R’s protection via rejection!

    I DO NOT NEED R TO REJECT ME SO I HAVE AN EXTERNAL BOUNDARY.

    i can either have sex or change my belief system, but i won’t keep acting as though I’m a victim of my beliefs. i CHOSE my beliefs! so let me figure out how THEY are serving me! and how I can serve them.

    hmmmmm… that reminds me of Kennedy.

    that’s my task now. not trying to get R back.

    and on Sunday, I’ll go out with younger man and just kiss, and ride in his car, and be his valentine!

    thank you!



  17.  #17heartbeat on February 13, 2010 at 4:28 am

    forgot to tick the little box 🙂



  18.  #18Lori on February 13, 2010 at 5:27 am

    Thanks everyone. I was feeling sorry for myself last night. You are all right, it is all about me and I’m going to figure out today what I plans I can make for tomorrow that make me feel special that don’t include a man.



  19.  #19heartbeat on February 13, 2010 at 8:00 am

    Hugs, Lori !

    – and all feelings matter, including feeling angry and disappointed, which for me anyway act as signposts to look deeper – maybe a boundary has been crossed or I’m not acknowledging an emotional need. Sometimes it’s ok to feel sorry for myself, I sink into sadness and then float onward into something else.

    Give yourself a big hug, and another one from me xx



  20.  #20Starlight_29 on February 13, 2010 at 8:06 am

    I just had a thought so im gonna post, i was thinking about creation and were the spark of life happend to create a life… it’s right down to how a baby is created that spark of life, how it is formed the spine the brain the heart i was trying to find that first spark of life, then it turned to male and female energy……. even down to the sperm had be in compeition with the other sperm it had to out do all the other sperm to reach the egg while the egg sat in waiting, if you take it further back the man had to insert his love tool (lol) into your good goddessness!

    He is supposed to chase you, win you over all the others and we are supposed to lay back and receive it.

    A man is supposed to love and cherish you and work hard at doing it, it supposed to bring him joy, making you happy brings him joy!

    The roles are reversing and this is dangerous, too many feminine men out here, too many women taking on too much.

    Men are givers we are receivers in so many ways we need to get back to that

    Surrender keeps comming to my mind all day……. SURRENDER



  21.  #21Starlight_29 on February 13, 2010 at 8:11 am

    I feel good posting i never really posted in the past, too scared of what others will think that im not intresting enough or i wont make any sense so i always read scared to ask questions or have an opinion, my heart feels open here…… thank you



  22.  #22heartbeat on February 13, 2010 at 8:21 am

    Hi Starlight – I can really feel your open heart in your last post, and your vulnerability. You’ll find lots of support here to love your femininity, which can be gutsy or gentle, bouncy or still – or all of the above.

    The first post – about men/women – you share your opinion and experience, but I couldn’t really feel a sense of YOU in it. I got a real warm feeling reading your second post, I felt connected to you.



  23.  #23dorothea on February 13, 2010 at 8:37 am

    I feel so interested in what you all are saying regarding the merits of valentines day!

    valentines day does happen to be a commercial rip off. but i can fully concede that it happens to be at least a few other things too:D

    maybe i am covering up my feelings of rejection but it feels great having a healthy sense of anti-consumerism as an alternative:D 😀



  24.  #24tinque on February 13, 2010 at 8:42 am

    Starlight – “SURRENDER” Yes this is key. Surrender to life, to love, to yourself, to every lovely moment. It all feels so much better than resistance.
    xxoo



  25.  #25Jennifer on February 13, 2010 at 8:43 am

    Well, this is my first Vday as a single girl in 6 years. So I’m totally spoiling myself. I am house sitting for my sister and so I am eating junk food, playing with the golden lab and messing around on the Wii.
    This feels good to me.
    This feels like fun.
    I have discovered that Ahh Caramel Cakes are the perfect breakfast food.



  26.  #26tinque on February 13, 2010 at 8:45 am

    Ooooooh, caramel, yum….
    xxoo



  27.  #27heartbeat on February 13, 2010 at 8:48 am

    You’re so funny, Dorothea 🙂

    Jennifer I feel inspired and deliciously indulgent!

    Tinque good to see you again xx



  28.  #28Orna Walters on February 13, 2010 at 9:54 am

    I want to let you all know that I am so grateful for ALL of your comments.

    Heartbeat: THANK YOU! Allowing myself to FEEL whatever is I am feeling without judgment has been a journey and a practice that I continue to work at.

    Starlight: Your post is so beautiful. I’m thrilled that you’ve decided to let us SEE You. Surrender is a big one for me – it is one of my Life Lessons. Technically, my challenge is Trust and Surrender. They go hand-in-hand. Its a comfort for me to view them together so that when I surrender I know what I am surrendering to.

    Lori: Brava! I’m happy to hear you are honoring your feelings and taking good care of You.

    Dorothea: I hear you. I’m not crazy about “Hallmark” holidays. I’ve never been one to go out on V-Day. I prefer staying in whether I’ve been in a relationship or not. You expressed my sentiment, that its about what we choose to make of it.

    Love and Abundance to you all!
    Orna



  29.  #29Turtle Girl on February 13, 2010 at 10:19 am

    Ok sirens-

    Someone had to remind me that Sunday is V Day….I have been alone for so long (ten years) that I have just shut down the part of myself that even recognizes stuff like this. I never have been much of a gift giver and receiver-not one of my love languages. But V-day is always alone for me it seems. I can’t even remember in the past where a man did anything special. I think I am afraid of shit like this-
    I might fall apart over someone giving me candy or a ring, or a card or whatever. I don’t think I could do it. Above and beyond that I hate the fact that the bastards market all this crap to us. The media is all about emotional manipulation on every front.
    It is really a trigger. Makes me angry, makes me disgusted and at the same time a little sad. Sad because I don’t have a guy who feels like I am his number one to even WANT to make that day special. So there it is.

    Yesterday morning I had a coffee date and the jerk never showed up, no call, nothing. Stood up. So while standing there in the lobby I got to talking to another man who when I told him my dilemma said, Hey why not have coffee with me? So I did!
    Then he invited me back out last night to see a local band that ended up being just killer good!! Lots of old rock and roll, Allman Bros. Zepplin, ZZ Top, Stones and Beatles. It was awesome! I had a blast. Yeah me! Let’s hear it for being open and circular dating! I was reminded of that song by Crosby Stills and Nash-Love the one your with! And I am always with me!



  30.  #30heartbeat on February 13, 2010 at 10:38 am

    Love that story, Turtle Girl – you showed up and so did a better man 🙂



  31.  #31heartbeat on February 13, 2010 at 10:40 am

    Orna – your story came as a message to me, an affirmation. Finding it twice in 24hrs… well, that just sings out! Thank you xx



  32.  #32Orna Walters on February 13, 2010 at 10:57 am

    Way to go Turtle Girl! I LOVE that story, because it gets to the core that opportunities (the best ones) often show up in the disguise of some misfortune.

    V-Day is just another day – another day for you to honor, respect and Value You!

    Heartbeat: You made my day!

    Blessings,
    Orna



  33.  #33Jennifer on February 13, 2010 at 11:03 am

    hey godessess….just woke up from a nap and the nasty voices have decided to visit.
    NV: Hey, it’s good that you were available to watch your sister’s house while her husband took her away. People like you do better when they understand thier role is purely support.
    Me: Thanks, heres a cookie. Be quiet in your corner please.
    NV: Its not so bad really, right? At least you get to SEE what love looks like, you get to help it. That’s a good deal for people like you.
    Me; Have another cookie…Be quiet in your corner.
    NV: Hey..next weekend looks good too! That birthday party for Stelly should give you another look at real love. Her husband sure does adore her. So you get to see that twice in two weeks. Sounds good! And this time you get to help by being in the audience, another good deal for your kind.
    Me: Ok, have another cookie. Please be quiet.
    NV: don’t forget you’re helping Jen move her stuff into Dan’s. Theres another man who adores his woman. It’s nice for people like you to at least be surrounded by people in love. Look how lucky you are.

    Y’all. This is a bit much for me. Maybe I should book another EFT appointment. I still don’t know where “people like you” comes from, but it looks like a theme.
    I know I’m going back to bed.



  34.  #34heartbeat on February 13, 2010 at 11:19 am

    Oh hey Jennifer – I’m surrounded by people in good relationhip too – and I know that gnawing feeling, that feeling of LACK.

    But I learned to notice the love going on (like you’re doing) and imagine myself IN it, too. This helped me step out of what didn’t feel good and EXPECT real love – like they have.

    I am enjoying LOVE all around me. Right now my friends show up with girlfriend dates, laughter and food. Right here my blog goddesses show up and I feel lots of fun and tenderness. New men are showing up – EVEN MY SON who is a real dude, and HIS FATHER my long-time Ex, are around in a more respectful, connected way.

    I see these couples as teachers, messengers. I LOOK FORWARD to the loving relationship I want. It’s on it’s way 🙂



  35.  #35Orna Walters on February 13, 2010 at 11:23 am

    Jennifer: Thank you for posting your inner dialog. The first step in transforming anything is being aware of what is currently there.

    I know this dialog – INTIMATELY. I was the Queen of setting myself apart.

    Here are a couple steps you can take towards shifting that:
    1. Look at what you have IN COMMON with these women. Where/How are you similar? (Create connection rather than separation.)
    2. These women that have men who adore them are all around you – Decide that YOU are Next!

    I believe that you can conquer these inner demons!



  36.  #36heartbeat on February 13, 2010 at 11:31 am

    Orna, Matthew and Rori – I would LOVE to be able to download the interview, but I don’t want to subscribe to the whole series. I used to subscribe but cancelled after Frank Seifert (I think that’s what he is called) and another chap who spooked me.

    **********RORI !! *************

    ATTENTION ATTENTION
    **********Rori I’ve asked this before and I think it’s a great idea 🙂 “Interview Series as downloads” – with payments via Paypal and a whole menu to choose from.********* GREAT BUSINESS IDEA!!!



  37.  #37heartbeat on February 13, 2010 at 11:34 am

    Oh I like Step 1, Orna – I’m going to try that too!



  38.  #38Turtle Girl on February 13, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    Thanks Orna-good things do often come out of seemingly “bad” situations.

    Heartbeat-that is a great way to put it-I showed up and so did a better man. Indeed he did. So cool!

    In the last three months that I have been doing a lot of dating I have only been stood up twice. It always feels crappy-but asshats will be asshats…….NEXT!!!

    Jennifer- We all have the nasty voices. They always lie too. Do not listen to them. You are a beautiful goddess and will find love. It’s an inside job and starts with you. My best friend has been married ten years to a jewel of a man. She used to be married to a total ass. And he used to be married to a total B from hell. They both finally found love in one another. I see them a lot cause they live just down the street from me.
    I get lots of hugs from him as well as her. I love them dearly.

    Sometimes I look at them and feel envy, but it doesn’t last, I am so happy for her and him.

    I know that if he showed up for her, someone will show up for me one say as well and you too. Love is all around us. I believe that what we put our attention on multiplies. If we listen to the NV (I call it the committee meeting in my head) they get louder. I shout them down. “OH NO YOU DIDN’T
    JUST SAY THAT!!! Hell Naw!!! I am not listening to you la la la la la la la la……….stop it! Then I got out and work out at the gym, or dig in my garden or walk the dog or _________. Fill in the blank.



  39.  #39Jennifer on February 13, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    hello goddesess.
    Here’s part of my issue with the NV. Besides the fact it’s saying something mean; it’s just so friggin reasonable.
    If it was calling me fat or ugly or stupid I’d be like “hey..screw you NV.”
    But it’s not.
    It’s like a condescending aunt pointing out that even if I’m not the “type” of woman that men fall madly in love with, I’m a good enough person to enable the people around me to get thiers.
    I don’t know where this idea comes from. It frustrates the hell outta me. If I could find the root cause I could eft it.
    My last session of EFT left my practitioner a little frustrated. I explained it to her as though the olympics was love. I cheer for “My team” I get excited when they “win” I talk about the great game at work etc. But if some one asked me to win gold in figure skating I wouldn’t fit the mold for that either.
    I have lots of stuff in common with the women in great relationships that I see. The thing that eludes me is why I feel like great love isn’t “for me”.
    I feel like if i could just get to the reason why I could get behind it and clear it out.



  40.  #40Jennifer on February 13, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    oh, and FYI this feeling has an echoing feeling in my body.
    My arms go numb and tingly. My throat feels constricted.
    Wierd.



  41.  #41Jennifer on February 13, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    condecending Aunts.
    Condecending Aunts
    Condecending Aunts.
    Hmmm…..
    I have one of those. Acutally, since my mother is the youngest of 11 children i have more than one of those.
    And I know without a doubt that they love me. Right to pieces.
    But they all say stuff that’s a little nasty.
    Aunt shiela likes to offer me clothes that “don’t fit me now that I’m not fat. but they might fit you.”
    Aunti Bon sends me lipstick samples so I can finally get a man (before I met B)
    Aunt Midge doesn’t like my hair (it makes me look sick…red is not a good colour for sickly girls.)
    Interesting.
    Why would I be so sensitive to what are offhand comments?



  42.  #42Robin on February 13, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    Thank you Orna! I certainly dont want to PRETEND that Im not angry if I am at that moment when I see him.

    My confusion in what to do is centered around whether to say “I feel so sad, I thought you were joking…”
    Or just ignore him all-together and focus on everything else around me. That would feel relaxing.

    I guess I could just ignore him all-together and focus on everything else around me.

    Until he comes u to me, and THEN I could say how Im feeling…

    But then its like, what feeling to I pick to talk about

    I dont want my “I feel sad, I thought you were joking…” be construed as nagging, and push him further away.

    I could pick a good feeling to talk to him about

    But I dont want to be a doormat either..

    So Confused



  43.  #43Turtle Girl on February 13, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    Happy Valentine’s Day to all you beautiful goddesses.
    Here is a wonderful clip on unconditional love:

    http://womenpowerandpurpose.com/blog/unconditional-love/

    Love to all,
    Turtle Girl



  44.  #44heartbeat on February 13, 2010 at 1:38 pm

    Robin I really feel for you – he’s not behaving like you’d want in a relationhip, and that just isn’t good enough. I relate, believe me! He can do what he wants, but YOU can step away, move on and really acknowledge that these feelings/thoughts you’re having now are those you DON’T want. If I can do it, so can you – so hugs from me xx



  45.  #45Turtle Girl on February 13, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    Jennifer-

    I am not you and can only share what is true for me. But this I do know-I did not find great love because I was not really ready for great love-even though I lied to myself saying that I was. I really deep down was not ready. I had issues. I had work to do. I had stuff going on. Today in this present time is really the first time in my life I feel really ready for big love, and it is because I am more loving, accepting and grounded than I ever have been in my past. I love myself-not perfect-never will be. I eff up all the time. But at my core-I feel deserving and ready for love. Someone once told me that a person can not give what they did not get. That rings so true for me. Until I loved myself and I know that is a worn out cliche I could not be ready to fully love another. I always gave half ass love and wanted more love back than I could give. That has all changed for me.

    I don’t know if this is true for you or not. That’s just my story. Your Aunt’s prolly mean well, but words still hurt. Maybe you should try and tell them your feelings in a loving way the next time one of them says something like that. Practice the Rori tools with them too. Like – “Oh, that doesn’t feel good when you say that.”



  46.  #46Orna Walters on February 13, 2010 at 1:42 pm

    Robin: I’ve decided the garden can wait. I’d like to empower you. 😉

    Confusion tells you that you have not been clear at identifying or expressing how you feel so now all the feelings are jumbled up. Emotions are not about DOING they are about BEING. So don’t worry right now about what “to do.” Simply BE. Feel whatever you are feeling. If you have a third party to express how you are currently feeling (here for instance, or a gf), then that is good too.

    Just feel your emotions, without judging them. Or trying to figure out what they mean. Nothing has meaning except the meaning we give it. Emotions cannot be processed in our heads – I call that “Blender Brain.”

    Our brains are not wired to deal with emotion. Figuring out how much tax is on those new pair of killer shoes? Brains are great for that, but not emotions.

    Emotions are in your body. In your heart space. Open up that space, breathe into it and feel whatever comes up. When you hit the wall of FEAR – you are actually getting to a place where you can transform. Emotion will not kill you. Holding onto them, judging them, that will cause disease in the body and can kill you.

    Don’t worry about how to behave tomorrow. Just be in the moment today and treat yourself like the precious Goddess that you truly are.

    Tomorrow you may feel completely different, or you may vacillate between anger and sad, or you may have gone through it all today. You won’t know until tomorrow.

    The KEY is to be AUTHENTIC. To be truly authentic you have to be IN THE MOMENT. This is a journey and it takes Practice. I promise you that you will screw it up. 😉 We all do. I still do.

    Be kind with yourself, have compassion for yourself, and forgive yourself. Stay on the journey. The rewards are HUGE!



  47.  #47Turtle Girl on February 13, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    Oh and Jennifer-

    That whole thing about you not being the type of woman men fall in love with- what BS darlin!!!!

    There is a pot for every lid. There are plenty of men who want just exactly your type. Everyone of us is a beautiful expression of the divine love of God. And God/Creator/Divine does not make any sort of junk.
    You are valuable and perfect just exactly how you are.



  48.  #48Orna Walters on February 13, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    Turtle Girl: So much TRUTH!! Thank you for sharing what is true for you because I relate to it so very much.

    Cliches exist for a reason – they hold truth! 😉



  49.  #49Turtle Girl on February 13, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    Orna-

    Here’s another cliche that holds truth.
    The truth will set you free. :o)
    A double truth whammy…………lol.



  50.  #50heartbeat on February 13, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    I really appreciate Orna taking time out from her garden to empower Robin and reading this empowers me too.



  51.  #51Lucy on February 13, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    Okay, I KNOW this is an Imaginary Relationship. I know he doesn’t owe me anything etc etc. No, TN man has still not come to meet me in person. Yes, I am dating other guys, but have not yet found anyone I like as much as TN man. So, I know there are tons of issues here, but right now I would like advice on just one little bitty thing:

    He just texted me, “happy valentines beautiful.” And of course I am completely underwhelmed. On New Years he texted me a long list of how he saw me: “You are amazing, beautiful, precious, special, smart, fun…..” etc etc. and said “let’s plan to meet this year!”

    So….Valentine’s Day would have been the perfect opportunity for him to reiterate that intention AND tell me again how special etc etc I am (not just “beautiful” which is the only thing he said this time!!)

    I am not “waiting” for him or anything, and have no expectations (although I do have “hopes”). And probably many of you will want to say “Why are you even THINKING about this guy??” which I understand, and which is why my question is simply this:

    How should I respond to that text? Should I ignore it, simply say “thanks,” or what? Feeling Messages seem inappropriate here because it is not a Real Relationship — i.e., no point in saying “I feel sad.” Right???? Or wrong?

    It has been six months now that we have been interacting. As Rori pointed out, he is at least a precious and wonderful friend to me, and that is nothing to scoff at. It is also something that I don’t want to lose, even if it doesn’t become anything more. (Of course I WANT it to be more!!)

    So, what do you all think I should text in response, if anything? Thanks so much!!!! (I did think about kind of joking with him — “What?? No flowers, no candy, no poetry? 🙂 ” ……But that doesn’t feel good to me. It feels like I am covering up my feelings and maybe being manipulative if I say that.



  52.  #52Jennifer on February 13, 2010 at 1:59 pm

    hey turtle girl and Orna
    Thanks for all the great support
    turtle Girl: OH, I’m sooo down with the idea of needing to work on me to be able to give love. I agree with you 100%. I think I’m just too analytical. I need to remeber to FEEEEEELLLL.
    I think that’s part of the NV. Too analytical. Every single woman I know who has a man who adores her is tiny and blonde. My sister and sister in law and my two best friends. They look like the china doll army.
    So my analytical NV chimes in with the idea that you must have to look like that to be loved. Illogical but I think that’s part of the work.
    It’s analytical but illogical. does that make sense?
    The china doll army also seems to contribute to my sense of “other ness”. Being a china doll runs in my mother’s family….all the women look alike. 5’4″ to 5’5″ 120 -135 lbs,blonde, size 6 feet, tiny little hands. My two best friends fit that bill as well.
    Then here I come 5’7 1/2″, 185 lbs , redheaded with size 9’s and what my grandmother calls my “baby catchin” hands.
    So the difference is noticable.
    More stuff to work on.



  53.  #53heartbeat on February 13, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    Jennifer – LOVE that body of yours, touch it, FEEL it, tingly arms and all. Get naked and paint yourself. Look into your own eyes in the mirror. Taste every morsel of food, SAVOUR it in your mouth. Feel how amazing you are in all your senses. Put your favourite skirt on and feel the texture. Really smell the scent of your own skin. Thinking won’t work here. Notice all the feelings that come up, really notice them and follow Orna’s advice above xx



  54.  #54Orna Walters on February 13, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    Lucy: You are right – This is an IMAGINARY relationship. My humble advice is to cut him loose. You’ve projected onto him what you desire, but he cannot deliver what you want. If he was capable of it, he’d have done it by now.

    Back when I was circular dating, a guy contacted me online. We’d swap a few emails until he asked for my number and then he never called. Several months went by and he emailed me through the online site again. We swapped a few emails, he asked for my number and again, he never called. We repeated this one more time. He finally wrote “Can I call you?” To which I simply replied “Apparently not.”



  55.  #55Orna Walters on February 13, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    Heartbeat: Thank you so much! Your acknowledgment makes me feel so good.

    As a an entrepreneur, I can always be working. So I’m getting a lot done today in addition to chatting with all you lovely ladies.



  56.  #56heartbeat on February 13, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    “He finally wrote “Can I call you?” To which I simply replied “Apparently not.””

    Top dollar. LMAO!! xx



  57.  #57Turtle Girl on February 13, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    Jennifer darlin’

    It’s called “Analysis paralysis.” I am so guilty of that. I have to throw it all out. My brain has a 168IQ. Math geek. Super brain girl. Big deal. It never got me anywhere in the love department. That is about feeling………FEELING……….

    My best friend I talked about above is about 230 lb, size ten shoes, and I don’t know what size clothes. I don’t care, and well, her husband is a tall skinny drink of water…..now to be really honest when they met she was a size 9 and maybe 180 lbs. She is big boned and she looked great. A beautiful tall 5’9″ redhead! Her husband adored her and still does even though she gained a bunch of weight. But the key is this—-SHE hates the weight. And it’s her issue. Not his. When you are really ready to do whatever it is you need, want, can, do about it-you will. Love is an inside job. And the outside body responds to that. I used to weigh 165lb. A lot for me. I am 5’6′ and tiny. A china doll like you say.
    But when I was eating certain foods and feeling bad about me I got fat. Long story short-I now weight about 125lb. and I feel fabulous-the irony is I feel fabulous inside too. I am ready. The outer always aligns up with the inner. Every single time. You are on the right path. You will find your way and one day meet the guy who will love you no matter what.

    And by the way-I have huge hands. Great big ole baby catchers! And I love them. They garden, they love, they touch, they hold, they type these words right now and they cover the space on top of my big heart. Big hands, big heart. We sirens love you Jennifer. We really love you. Can you feel me-another once upon a time overweight redhead with big hands reach across to you and say the truth that you are beautiful? YUP-I am a redhead too girl. lol……and there are lots of men who do not like tiny little Barbie doll blonde’s…and the ones that do? You don’t want those guys!



  58.  #58Lucy on February 13, 2010 at 2:39 pm

    Thank you for responding, Orna, but that is not what I was asking. 🙂 He has given me many amazing things through our interactions and is an extremely valued fellow traveler. We do love each other, so “cutting him loose” is inappropriate. I am just wondering how I should respond to his text, that’s all. 🙂



  59.  #59heartbeat on February 13, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    Hugs Lucy – deep in your heart you KNOW you want a man that’s right in front of you, not a man on the end of a phone/text/email. xx



  60.  #60Lucy on February 13, 2010 at 2:49 pm

    I feel curious and amused about your comment, heartbeat. I do want a man that is right in front of me, of course I do (and not “deep” in my heart, lol, it’s pretty much right out there in the open in my heart) but only the RIGHT man for me! I would much rather have the right man on the end of a text than the wrong man right in front of me. 🙂 He is a very unique man and I feel very very blessed to know him.



  61.  #61Lucy on February 13, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    I feel unheard. Lol. I feel surprised.



  62.  #62Lucy on February 13, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    Unheard and surprised here, I mean. Not by him.



  63.  #63tinque on February 13, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    Lucy – It’s impossible to know a person you have never met. Words are just that, mere words, and in essence they are meaningless.
    A person’s character is in the actions.
    You can’t possibly know this man is special. He may say all the most perfect things to you, and believe me, I know how seductive and soothing that can be, but you don’t know him, not even a little bit.
    When and if you do meet, it will still take months if not years.
    xxoo



  64.  #64Jennifer on February 13, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    Turtle girl.
    Thank you
    Thank you
    Thank you
    Thank you
    Thank you
    Thank you
    Thank you
    Thank you
    Thank you.



  65.  #65Turtle Girl on February 13, 2010 at 2:55 pm

    Orna-
    He finally wrote “Can I call you?” To which I simply replied “Apparently not.””

    OMG Orna! Freaking laugh my arse off!!!!!!!!!

    That is so perfect, so scarcastic, so juicy! I am dying laughing here girl!!! My sides hurt I am laughing so much!!!!Love it love it love it.

    The reason this is so damn funny is that I have been through this twice with two different men!!!
    They don’t know what they want-they are such girls! They are playing games to get their ego pumped up but don’t really want to follow through on anything. Not really grown up men I do not think. I just lean back. Not going there. If they want to come round they get their chance and then, nope—NEXT!!!!



  66.  #66tinque on February 13, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    Jennifer – There is indeed someone for everyone. And they come around when it is your time, when you are open and really ready.
    And being one of the china doll army does not guarantee this. I am petite at 5’1″ and under 100 lbs though still full in the boobie department, a ballerina girl with long red hair, some would call me pretty, but I didn’t find my someone until my forties.
    xxoo



  67.  #67Lucy on February 13, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    Wow. I feel SO surprised by these responses. I feel alarmed, actually, because I am receiving advice about all the things I said I did NOT want advice about, and not about the one thing I ASKED for advice about! I feel very interested in Sirens not listening. 🙂

    Tinque, my truth is that it is VERY possible to know a person you’ve never met. There is a whole spiritual dimension that is not dependent on physical presence. It is so very real. Intuition is only one small part of it. That’s why women on here are able to relate to each other, love each other, trigger each other, bless each other, and have significant impact on each other’s lives — even though they have never met in person. I do not believe that the words on this forum are meaningless; words are powerful, important, valuable, and real.

    I do know that this man is special, just as you know your hubby is special. <3 There is absolutely no doubt in my mind. He may not end up being my life partner, but I do know that he is special. I feel surprised that someone who writes her own blog devalues the written word so much. That feels weird to me.



  68.  #68heartbeat on February 13, 2010 at 3:07 pm

    And I’m 5’1″, currently red-haired and 145pounds – and men are queuing up. My family were tall and skinny!

    I wrote about this on the last post, Jennifer – comment 91.

    You are not alone! xx



  69.  #69heartbeat on February 13, 2010 at 3:09 pm

    Lucy I heard confusion and heartache. If I got it wrong, then small wonder you feel unheard xx



  70.  #70Turtle Girl on February 13, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    Whoooo Hoooooo! Let’s hear it for all the fabulous redheads!!!!!!!!!!!! Yowsah!



  71.  #71heartbeat on February 13, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    Yowsah Turtle Girl!! 🙂

    Now I get to say it again – redheads rule :p

    xx



  72.  #72tinque on February 13, 2010 at 3:19 pm

    Lucy I do hear you, and the reason I don’t reply to your question is that it’s moot right now.
    One of the reasons that women connect here is that they are seeking the same things, more or less. There are no hidden agendas.
    I don’t want to say this MAY not be your man. He may very well be, and all you feel about him MAY all be true, BUT you will never really know until you spend face to face time with him.
    As for your reply to the message, all that you can really say is Happy Valentine’s Day to you too.
    xxoo



  73.  #73Lucy on February 13, 2010 at 3:23 pm

    heartbeat – Thanks for telling me what you felt you heard! That explains your response. 🙂 No, I do not feel confused nor do I feel heartache. I just feel a little disappointed with the text, and I just thought it might be a good idea to seek some suggestions on here for how to respond to the text.

    I should say again, too (I said this somewhere before) that I do know someone who knows him personally and says that he really is who I think he is.

    He actually is someone who has helped me a lot with confusion and heartache and shame and all sorts of other life issues because we are both on a similar spiritual path and he, being a little further ahead, offers a lot of insight, guidance, nurturance, and wisdom. His insights are very compatible with Rori’s teachings and he is a real blessing to me.



  74.  #74Lucy on February 13, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    Hey, Tinque! THANK YOU — sincerely– for answering my question (your last sentence)! See, it wasn’t moot afterall! 🙂



  75.  #75Lucy on February 13, 2010 at 3:29 pm

    I love what you said here, Tinque: “One of the reasons that women connect here is that they are seeking the same things, more or less. There are no hidden agendas.” I LOVE that, because that describes precisely what is going on with TN man and me — we are connecting because we are seeking the same things, more or less. There are no hidden agendas. In fact, he has said almost those exact words many times. <3



  76.  #76Orna Walters on February 13, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    Lucy: I do apologize if you felt unheard by me. That was not my intention. I responded to what I believed was a request for guidance. You are right! You asked for assistance for one specific thing. My apologies for not addressing that.

    I agree with Tinque, “Happy Valentine’s Day to you too” is a good response.



  77.  #77Orna Walters on February 13, 2010 at 3:43 pm

    Turtle Girl: Thank you, your reply has me laughing my arse off! By that third time I was seriously waiting for him to ask for my number so I could say something that would capture it.

    When I was dating online, my intention was to discover things about ME. Setting that intention and keeping it as my compass for how I would choose to behave was a big gift. In many, many ways it prepared me to be available to Matthew when we met.



  78.  #78Lucy on February 13, 2010 at 3:44 pm

    Thanks, Orna! I am learning to trust my own inner guidance and my intuition. Maybe my lesson here is to trust myself not only with the “big picture” with this man, but also with the little things like how to respond to a particular text! I feel amused at myself now for not trusting myself with one itty bitty text! I feel silly! I feel smiley. 🙂 Thank you, Sirens, for helping me learn this lesson about trusting my own feelings and intuition! <3



  79.  #79Orna Walters on February 13, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    Jennifer: Embrace and love all the parts of You! There’s only one of YOU!

    What men like and don’t like is as varied as there are women. Before we met, my husband had pictures of women with long dark curly hair on his vision board. VIOLA! I have long dark curly hair.

    My weight fluctuates and when I’m at the higher end of my yo-yo Matthew tells me “There’s just more of you for me to love!”

    I’m grateful all you redheads have bonded…my niece has bright red hair. <3



  80.  #80heartbeat on February 13, 2010 at 3:53 pm

    Yay Orla!! Curly heads rule!! 🙂 xx



  81.  #81heartbeat on February 13, 2010 at 4:07 pm

    Love to you all on Valentine’s Day xxxxxxxx

    it’s just after midnight here, thank you for sharing my day –

    May the road rise to meet you,
    May the wind be always at your back,
    May the sun shine warmly upon your face,
    May the rains fall softly upon your fields,
    And, until we meet again,
    May Goddess hold you in the hollow of Her hand.

    🙂



  82.  #82tinque on February 13, 2010 at 4:20 pm

    Thank you sweet Heartbeat. Right back you lovely lady.
    Furballs, hairballs, milk stains and all…

    xxoo



  83.  #83heartbeat on February 13, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    LOL Tinque!! Purr…. (we love our cats)
    Thank you for your warm and gentle wisdom.
    Goodnight and hugs xxxx



  84.  #84Robin on February 13, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    THANK YOU
    THANK YOU

    Orna & Heartbeat!

    You are so awesome!
    Thank you so much for taking time to write to me

    Im off to feel the feelings I have right now. I’ll have to see how tomorrow I feel.



  85.  #85Rori Raye on February 13, 2010 at 6:12 pm

    Lucy – you know I support the friendship here, and you know I know you know this is an Imaginary Relationship – that if he wanted to meet you he would…and I know you are dating other men and not waiting around hoping….and…you SAY you’re not waiting around – but, if you are all caught up in how to answer his text, after all this time, and with the clarity you say you have…I say you are not being truthful with yourself. With a friend…doesn’t matter what you say – and you ALWAYS use feeling messages, and you ALWAYS choose the good feeling ones if those show up as strongly as the bad-feeling ones. So – this would be “Oooh, that feels good.” Or, “Feeling sad – missing you though I’ve never met you…” Actually, anything you say that’s the truth would be fine. Love, Rori



  86.  #86Rori Raye on February 13, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    Mary – So – why again, remind me – can’t it last? There’s Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher…there’s more…and a good moment is a good moment – TAKE IT!!! Yayy! Love, Rori



  87.  #87Rori Raye on February 13, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    Ohhh, Mary – you are so rockin’ this! Loe, Rori



  88.  #88Rachel on February 13, 2010 at 6:31 pm

    Lucy,

    I don’t know if you’ve responded to the text yet or not… I had the exact same thing just happen to me. Except my text didn’t even include the word “beautiful!”

    So… here’s what I’ve been doing lately. I really love this guy. I don’t know where things are going to end up. But lately, I have felt good when I respond in the same manner. I return the same energy that he gave. If he wants MORE from me, then he has to GIVE more!

    So in your case, I’d respond. “Happy Valentine’s handsome!”

    This has been working. My guy is beginning to give me more. And it keeps me from feeling so disappointed when i give so much and receive so little in return.

    By the way, I, too, feel that a long distance relationship can have a great impact on your life. I feel that it forces you to communicate and build some deeper areas instead of just getting physical right away.

    Best wishes!!!



  89.  #89Lucy on February 13, 2010 at 7:17 pm

    Rori – Thanks for your insights and your support. I feel curious about the part where you said you thought I was not being truthful with myself. I feel curious about what you are seeing there. If I am not being truthful with myself I would like to see it. What do you think I am telling myself that is not true? As far as wondering how to respond to the text, I was coming from a position of wanting to fine tune my Feeling message skills, and that’s the support/advice I was looking for. My mind has trouble seeing nuances when using Tools so it takes a lot of little examples for me to fully understand things like that — in other words, exactly how to apply the tools in specific circumstances. This statement was VERY helpful: “ALWAYS choose the good feeling ones if those show up as strongly as the bad-feeling ones.” I had not heard that before (or if I did, I didn’t remember it). That helps tremendously, and your suggested examples help too. Thanks!



  90.  #90Lucy on February 13, 2010 at 7:32 pm

    Rachel – I feel so excited reading your comments! I especially feel excited about this: “By the way, I, too, feel that a long distance relationship can have a great impact on your life. I feel that it forces you to communicate and build some deeper areas instead of just getting physical right away.” It feels SO good to hear someone else say that because the truth of it is so evident to me! TN man and I have gone deeper in six months — with physical distance between us– than my ex-husband and I went in fifteen years of marriage, living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed! Sometimes TN man and I even joke about how if we were having the same conversation in person the kissing would probably take over the whole conversation. But we’re not, so it doesn’t, and down we go into the really good, really deep, authentic self stuff.

    I really like your suggestion about how to respond to the text. I haven’t texted him back yet — have been very busy today and have felt no rush to do so. I’ll have to see how I feel!



  91.  #91Lucy on February 13, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    Although, Rachel, I just realized your idea is not a Feeling Message . . . Hmmmm.



  92.  #92mary contrary on February 13, 2010 at 8:14 pm

    hello Lucy and Rachel,

    i’m reading your comments about long distance relationships, because i’m beginning to get into one!

    i’m so encouraged. i’m so given courage! i’m feeling so brave! excited and full of energy!



  93.  #93mary on February 13, 2010 at 8:36 pm

    i saw a necklace that i really wanted last year. i could have bought it, but i said to myself, “i’ll buy it when i pass my real estate test.”

    so i went to get it today, and guess what! it was still there! so i bought it. somehow i feel like i earned it. it means so much!

    i also told myself that i wouldn’t date until i passed the test, and i didn’t, until October, when i went to the opera, and then we saw my ex, and then my old love called… and then there was all that fiasco, and R lingered on… so to keep sane, i’ve just been reading this blog, and complaining every day…

    R this, and R that!

    you guys have been really patient.

    now i feel like i’ve earned the right to date, too! and i’m seeing new expressions when the guys ask me what i do, and i can now say hey! i’m starting on a brand new career, and tell them how excited i am! i can see respect in their eyes! it’s what i’ve always wanted. that’s worth so much to me.

    (i know what you’re thinking… it’s just a realtor exam! but no! it’s different here in british columbia. it’s a challenge.)

    now i want another challenge!



  94.  #94Rachel on February 13, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    I think long distance can work, but at some point it has to transition into face-to-face time. It also takes real effort to keep from fantasizing it into something deeper than it is. I’ve been through the whole gamut of mistakes and emotions with Guy A. Things are going well right now, but I keep leaning back and using the tools like crazy. And circular dating with men who are HERE so that I don’t obsess (too much!) waiting for the next phone call or email.



  95.  #95Rachel on February 13, 2010 at 8:58 pm

    I will also say… Rori is RIGHT about the vibe we send out. My guy is out in the middle of the ocean somewhere (in the Navy) and I swear he can TELL when I’m obsessing! I can drive him further away even without daily contact. So I’ve learned to really focus on myself and finding my joy in each day. And it’s true! As I lavish love and attention on myself and my dreams, he comes “closer” even from afar!



  96.  #96Daria on February 13, 2010 at 9:40 pm

    from the e-letter:

    3. I completely acknowledged my anger, and instead
    of trying to bottle it up inside (what I’ve ALWAYS
    been taught to do with my anger – it just wasn’t
    okay in my family for ME to be angry) – or let it
    make me “roll my eyes” or tell him how he was
    doing anything “wrong” (and this was a BIG one for
    me), or even say anything negative about him to
    anyone else, I learned how to communicate my anger to him in a way he could hear.

    Rori was this “how to communicate my anger to him in a way he could hear”

    … is this “I feel angry?”

    thinking about how to have communicated that to my dad when he said stuff that I didnt like earlier



  97.  #97mary on February 13, 2010 at 10:57 pm

    oh, Rori.

    i can’t get the eLetters! i’ve signed up so many times! i wish they were on the blog somewhere so i could read them!

    but i’m thankful for the blog!



  98.  #98Starlight_29 on February 14, 2010 at 4:23 am

    Hey you lovley ladies,
    sorry i didnt get back to you sisters yesterday my friend dragged me out to a friends drink up, i had fun met alot of guys none i was actually intrested in (do i have to date guys i have no intrest in? that would feel so yuky)

    ok there is a guy that i dated and we slept together about 2 weeks ago, the one i had a major emotional breakdown after the sex, well i have been leaning well back he calls and txts but we havent met up since, he asked me if im playing hard to get or if i want him to chase me, on friday, i said i want you to show me your intrested…. ok i was on a bus and felt nervous talking i wanted to say yes but i could’nt muster the courage.

    Now he has just send me one of those val txts that you would send to everyone so i took the chance to reply back i feel sad, lonley and missing you wondering why i havent seen you in so long……

    I feel nervous and shaky and im scared he won’t reply because that means i will have to let him go if he does’nt reach out to me.



  99.  #99Kate on February 14, 2010 at 6:32 am

    Hello lovely sisters: I feel heart-sore, I feel sad, I feel neglected, I feel I’ll never find a man who loves, wants and adores ONLY me (and I’m past 40) but the following was on my f/b this morning and maybe it will help you as it did me:

    FROM the “Face of Love”:
    http://www.facebook.comgroup.php?gid=9357608022

    “I see love everywhere… I know that there is nowhere where love is not…and I know that I need to keep my heart open even when it can be tempting to close it. Each time the door to my heart has been closed, love has been knocking strongly so that it opens again.

    It is just that sometimes we are so fixated with feelings of isolation, disconnection, hurt, sorrow and fear that we do not grasp the love that is in our reach.

    Whenever our mind, through hurt, resentment, anger or a feeling of being rejected or misunderstood, breaks from the connection with all that is, was and ever will be, love is still not far away.

    We need to start seeing love everywhere… we can see it in ourselves… we can see it in others through their acts of kindness and compassion… we can see it in nature.. we can see it in beauty all around us… we can see it in smiles.. we can see it in our conversations… in our connections.. and in those around us who are just crying out for us to make contact or make communication in their lives.

    Sometimes we are just so transfixed on the door that has closed… the heart that has been shut off or hearts even… that we do not see those who are reaching out to us, those who want us so much and those who are opening their doors and inviting us in.

    We cannot open another’s heart… either to the world or to ourselves.

    But we can open our own heart and let in loving people, loving experiences and take loving choices.

    So whenever we feel that we are not loved, unpopular, will never find a soul mate, will always be alone, will always be at the end of meaningless or unfulfilled relationships we need to work out what are the patterns of our past that are causing us this mental obstruction.”

    “Work out the patterns of our past”…that is where our lovely Rori is helping us through this Journey with her luscious, wonderful posts and programs…I am feeling I may never get it, I am feeling stumbling, I am feeling like I am the only one left without a good and noble man, and yet I feel a glimmer of hope in my Soul…

    I feel grateful for the messages that appear saying just what I need at that moment…



  100.  #100Rachel on February 14, 2010 at 6:43 am

    Thank you, Kate. That is beautiful and a perfect reminder today to focus on the endless possibilities for love that surround us simply because we exist in a connected world! Hugs to your heart today!



  101.  #101Kate on February 14, 2010 at 6:51 am

    Thank you, Rachel; I’m feeling less ‘ouchy’ – *hugs* back to you and everyone today 🙂



  102.  #102Starlight_29 on February 14, 2010 at 6:58 am

    LOVE THAT KATIE, SENDING MORE LOVE TO YOU XXX



  103.  #103Kate on February 14, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    Starlight_29 sending sunshine hugs to you also; I swear I can feel the love and support from these posts today…feeling sobby-happy for the gift of all you beautiful goddess sisters 🙂



  104.  #104heartbroken and scared on February 15, 2010 at 8:55 pm

    My heart was broken but I didn’t know I could cry till I read this post. I sobbed like nothing mattered. I needed to sob. The guy I am still seeing took me out to dinner last night for our valentine’s day. As we sat down and ordered, I pulled a card out for him. It included a letter expressed my love for him. Since we both are not valentine’s day fan, I didn’t expect anything from him. However, when he told me he didn’t have anything for me and his gift for me was his presence. All the sudden, I felt super sad and I had to try so hard to stop tears from coming out of my eyes. My throat was choked. I felt not wanted and no effort at all from his side to show me that he wanted to please me. Just like how I had been feeling in our relationship.

    He is in the process of moving out of my place and back to his place. Our living together based on plans of marriage and kids fell apart after “discussions” of issues between us. During Christmas, when I thought he would propose to me, instead, he told me he needed more time because he was scared that we wouldn’t have a successful relationship based on our discussion and his past failed marriage. Here we were living together, I felt sad, angry, trapped, and very unhappy that he didn’t have the heart to be with me forever. I asked him to move out. I still love him very much but am totally disappointed and sad by his lack of romance. He still loves me as long as we are able to have only happy times. When I finally sobbed for last night’s feelings, he was still moving out of my place one car load at a time. I am scared now that my outburst of sadness makes him feel less wanting to be with me.



  105.  #105Rori Raye on February 16, 2010 at 12:10 am

    Welcome, Heartbroken, so sorry for your pain…you are SO handling this beautifully, and painfully, I know…and I know you’ll get a lot of support here for going through this. The relationship is not over…and now you have your options back, too, which will make it so you don’t feel trapped and can systematically heal your heart and get the love you want – perhaps even from him! Love, Rori



  106.  #106Orna Walters on February 16, 2010 at 11:52 am

    Heartbroken,

    I’m so sorry to hear your pain. I am also excited for you because if this is not the guy who can love you – ALL OF YOU – then its better for you to find out now and move on, or discover that he can step up and give you what you need.

    Thank you for reaching out and being so vulnerable. Where you are, in a word, sucks. So FEEL what you are feeling. This fear that expressing your disappointment, or sadness will push him away is a clue – see what else comes up for you and if this is a pattern.

    There are great tools to support you through this difficult time. Please continue to post here so we can support you.

    Blessings,
    Orna



  107.  #107azimoon mohammed on February 18, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    Hi Rori,

    Thank you very much for all your emails and thoughts, but I really need some serious advice. I am separated after years of being unhappy in a marriage and became very friendly with a guy who is a good friend. We became closer as we discussed our failed relationships and ended up in bed.
    We became very attracted to each other, but after a few months, I became demanding and jealous and always quarelling mainly because he is 13 years younger than I am.
    He became involved in the church and told me that he needs to find peace within himself as he hurt a lot of women, and currently is not involved in anyone. In fact he do not socialize, except for church, plays football and spend time with his daughter.
    I am crazy madly in love with him and always angry because he don’t care to go out. Our almost non-existent sex life became none at all, yet we talk every day, spend at least one day per week together, and really enjoy each other company, but that’s it.
    What I need to know, can a relationship between a man and woman where the woman is 13 years older work. My friend says age is just a number and it doesn’t bother him, but I have so many insecurities and don’t believe that it can work.
    Please help me, as I need to know what should I do so he can realize that I am very good for him, which by the way I do know. I do everything he wants and am always there.
    I really do need your advice.
    Thanking you for your kind assistance.
    Regards,
    Azimoon



  108.  #108Alice on February 18, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    My fiance didn’t give me anything for Valentine’s. He had already told me that he would get me something the day after when everything was on sale. Sure enough we went shopping Monday and he bought me a $10.00 box of chocolates on sale for $5.00. How’s that for romantic? We’ve been engaged for almost three years. Whenever we set a date for our wedding, he changes it when the time draws near. I tell people that we are permanently engaged. Need to hear from you that are engaged but have no sex life. Our sex life is really bad. He says he is going to see a doctor, but keeps putting it off. I am beginning to worry that I might not want to be in a sexless marriage. Any comments out there?



  109.  #109Rori Raye on February 18, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    Azimoon, Welcome, and the age difference is nothing. The problem here is your anger, demanding-ness, jealousy and quarreling. This is about you. Your work here is to even yourself out and find other ways to deal with your feelings and express them without drama – otherwise you will only push men away. This is the place to learn how…Love, Rori



  110.  #110Rori Raye on February 18, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    Whoa, Alice – beware. Many, many men – and most past a certain age – have erection difficulties. It’s about stress and environment and too much estrogen being produced because of food…lots of things. The only thing a man has to do is deal with it. He can get pills, go to doctors, and solve the problem with many different healing modalities, with just a small bit of inconvenience. I’ve talked to many women whose men won’t step up and do that. It’s as though they truly don’t want to have sex. This is a huge problem for him. There’s lots of anger going on under the surface here, and you’ll have to facilitate getting it out into the open. I like to start with “Are you mad at me?” just to get the conversation going – but you have to be willing to just stand there and HEAR – to let him talk. I’ll jump off your comment into a post…Love, Rori



  111.  #111heartbroken and scared on February 19, 2010 at 1:46 am

    Orna/Rori,
    After expressing my sadness in front of “my guy”, he’s been attentive the next day asking me how I was feeling and all. We spent some time together at his place to support his moving back to his own place. However, I have been feeling extremely anxious. I fear that now he is on his own, he could be dating other women without telling me. This thought is driving me nuts. He asked me if I’d go over to his place tonight, I told him I had planned dinner with a girlfriend and said he could come to spend some time with me if he wanted to before the dinner. He needed to get a hair cut and wash his car so we did those things together. I know I shouldn’t have offered to do these things with him because I did’t feel good at all. It wasn’t a date for me. When he left, he asked me to call him after dinner. I did call him at 10:30 and he didn’t answer the call. I texted him and let him know I just called. I didn’t hear from him. I went crazy with all of the thoughts I don’t want to have. What if he is with another woman and he was preparing to see her getting a hair cut shaved and a car wash and he is not telling me? It’s almost like I want to kill myself with the deadliest negative thoughts. I want to do so many things to him base on my thoughts that are probably not the best for me.

    I do realize this is my problem mostly because I have had this kind of thing happen to me with every relationship. This guy is probably the longest term relationship I have ever had and I have already kicked him out of my house. I am scared and sad that I am a crazy person that I will not be able to have a relationship I want.

    I have been reading blogs under “heal your heart” and I know my heart needs to be healed from past hurt. Also, I am listening to “Targeting Mr. Right” and “Heart Connection Tool” and watching “Modern Siren”. It’s overwhelming.

    I am hoping either of you could give me some advise on how to communicate with him without making things permanently damaged. I don’t feel strong enough to be able to come up with rational next move.



  112.  #112Rachel on February 19, 2010 at 8:59 am

    Dear Heartbroken,

    I feel your pain… I have been so heartbroken and scared over this past year. I can tell you that there is HOPE and you will find your footing again with these great women and tools that really work.

    My first thought when I saw your posting is… PLEASE consider changing your “name.” I fully support your sharing your feelings and I know this is where you are right now. But to actually identify yourself as heartbroken and scared sends such a strong statement into the universe.

    This is how you are FEELING, but it is not WHO YOU ARE. I encourage you to “name” yourself as who you desire to be … to paint the picture with words! How about LOVED and JOYFUL! Or CHERISHED and STRONG.

    I really believe that the way we see ourselves begins to appear in our lives and so it’s important that we choose to focus on the vision of what we want – even in the midst of the pain and confusion.

    There have been many days over this past year when I couldn’t see myself as anything but abandoned, broken, sad…. but I kept speaking and thinking otherwise as much as I could and now I am feeling much stronger and more confident. I am laughing again and finding joy in the beauty around me. I never thought this was possible.

    So… I hope that you will understand my heart for you. I am not dismissing your feelings, but I know that you are a strong, beautiful, wonderful woman and i hope that you will claim that for youself!!!

    Hugs!



  113.  #113Rachel on February 19, 2010 at 9:09 am

    One more thing… yes, the negative thoughts will almost kill you. In fact, I reached a point of near-suicide because I was so focused in on the pain.

    And it hurt to see beauty, to hear love songs, to see another couple in love…. until I began to see those things as my future. I would still ache, but I would say, “That’s how I’m going to be someday!” and make it a picture of hope.

    The secret is to keep replacing the negative, fear-based thoughts with hopeful ones. You do need to work through the past hurts and find healing, but while you are doing that, you can be building little castles of hope in your heart with pictures, quotes, noticing moments of beauty… anything to pull your thoughts toward what is good in life! And I found that there is a LOT of good even in the midst of heartache!

    Sink into your feelings. Feel them! But don’t allow yourself to wallow like I did. You are a goddess!!!! A siren! A wonderful beautiful creature that men desire and long to capture!!!!

    Oh… it feels good!



  114.  #114Orna Walters on February 19, 2010 at 9:42 am

    Dear Heartbroken and Scared,

    Thank you for your update. I’m happy to hear that you have started using feeling statements with this man.

    This statement “I am scared and sad that I am a crazy person that I will not be able to have a relationship I want,” is EXACTLY how I have felt in the past. I used to feel like the black hole and I’d suck men into it and never be satisfied and never feel loved. I say that so you understand it is possible to change it. If I can do it – anyone can – and that means YOU can too!

    I want to make one thing crystal clear: This insecurity you feel is NOT about this man. What needs to happen here is a shift within YOURSELF. Please visit http://tinyurl.com/5StepstoLove for a program that will spell out step by step what to do to transform the relationship with yourself so you can be open to receive love. (Thank you, Rori, for giving me the ‘okay’ to post that here.)

    It is not possible to say the “wrong” thing to the “right” person. Keep communicating with this man with how you feel. Own your Truth.

    Sending you a big hug!
    Orna



  115.  #115Linda on February 19, 2010 at 10:56 am

    I whole heartidly agree with this Orna…. It is not possible to say the wrong thing to the right person. I need to be more assertive in my speech with men, escpecially the ones I want in my life. I have always been a pick your battles kinda gal. I find that is still true but… owning our truth and communicating it will keep us from what Rori said in the last post. A urgent feeling… a toxic bond that would not exsist if we commuicated what we needed to.

    Amen… Linda



  116.  #116Hopeful and alive... (used to be heartbroken and scared) on February 19, 2010 at 11:08 am

    Rachel, thanks for your suggestion of changing a name. Here I am, feeling hopeful and am still alive. I am grateful. I am encouraged to hear your words. Thanks for sharing.

    Orna, I do realized that I have an incredible case of insecure and it’s not about the man anymore. That makes me super scared but grateful to have realize this. This man is here to trigger me to see myself. It’s dark and it’s scary. I am grateful for all the support I get here as well as from Rori. I know I have a difficult path to go through. I truly want the profound and loving relationship I want with a man, this means I have to face my own insecurities and tackle them now.

    You have no idea how much better I feel to read your encouraging words. Thank you.



  117.  #117Rori Raye on February 21, 2010 at 10:12 am

    Yes – Hopeful and alive (Thank you for the name change!) I’m going to jump off into a post around “insecurities.” Love, Rori



  118.  #118Orna Walters on February 21, 2010 at 11:56 am

    Hello Hopeful and Alive!

    Great name change! 🙂

    I’m so happy to hear you taking in the support here. There is a FREE Audio you can download at http://creatingloveonpurpose.com/ which walks you through a visualization for Self Acceptance. (Thank you Rori, for suggesting I post that here.)

    You called this man a “trigger” I call people like this a “Threshold Guardian” – You have to get PAST them to get to the next level. You are the Goddess-Heroine on your journey. I look forward to hearing more and supporting you on your path.

    BIG HUG,
    Orna