He Can’t Love You If You Don’t Love You

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Here’s a letter that will make you shudder – I know each one of you could help her…and yet…that would not help her.

Because, bottom line, we have to want to do it for ourselves.

So – thought there’s a deep, extreme, unhappy situation here for Lia – the post’s really about – how can we get ourselves to be willing to (actually WANT to) see what actually IS – instead of what we wish to make up.

And then, how to motivate ourselves to focus our work in the direction that will actually serve us…

“Dear Rori,

I’m Lia from Hungary. I sent the following letter to you in April, to get your help. Unfortunately, I wasn’t put out in a blog post. I would like you to post me out in the blog if it’s possible. It would mean so much for me to get your detailed help and other women’s as well.

The original story:

“Dear Rori,

I would like to ask for your help if you can have some minutes for me. You are my last hope basically. I don’t know where to turn. I read all your newsletters but I will need specific help.

I am 25 year old, my ex-boyfriend is 46 years old. He is divorced twice, has no children. We were a couple for 2 months from October 2009 until December 2009, then I slept sometimes at him for a month in this year. Previously, we were planning marriage and children and we were ultimately happy together. Since this February, he refuses contact with me for talk, personal meeting etc. because he says we always just argue and he loves me, but can’t be my boyfriend. No specific reason he ever gave for the break-ups. He only said, he doesn’t feel good with me and he feels crazy after making love to me… He also said, I can’t even be his lover, because he wants to have a girlfriend- just not me… We had a terrible row about this, since then he doesn’t want to hear about me. He says: “no time soon…” or: “never” He is still single although. I realized that sometimes I was acting hysterical, needy and desperate. In the last 3 months, I read lot of psychological, self-help material, thought about myself and improved myself. I see much clearer now, and ready to change, but he doesn’t want to know about my changes or improving intentions…

Although I started to make progress on myself, Rori, you have to know, that I’m still totally heartbroken… I would like to get him back, get an other chance for dating him again. We used to have such a sparkle… He doesn’t contact me ever, but replies if I do. I called him on the phone this week just for some light & breezy friendly words, and he called back, seemed bit more relaxed about talking to me. But no further progress ever since, didn’t contact me. We don’t really meet personally by accident. I know that my situation is hopeless and I made terrible mistakes… Somehow, I still believe in us. You know how it is. I’m afraid, I’m running out of time, and he will find someone else…

His character is very interesting: sometimes very romantic, sensitive, caring but other times totally the opposite: cruel, ignorant, treating me like a complete stranger, a dangerous enemy.

Please, if you see any chances to get me out of this situation, help me if you can…Lia”

Here was my original reply to Lia:

Lia, you know that this man has illuminated a deep problem for you – and that is cause for joy.

You know that until you get your hysterical, angry, argumentative, needy, desperate reactions shifted into a calmer, more self-aware place – you will not be able to have a relationship with this man.

And it’s likely too soon.

You need to practice being this way with OTHER men, first, until it becomes natural for you, and you can heal yourself.

And here’s Lia’s update:

“Update to my original story:

Things only got worse after sending you this letter. I didn’t know what to do and tried to contact him several times. We also slept together and he admitted that he misses me. But he traveled to Paris for a trip. 4 days and since he returned he refuses to talk to me, contact me. He seems to be disgusted of me. He said not to enter his life. I sent a long letter to him, not angry, but accepting his decisions and emphasize my own views about his behavior. I tried to do a long feeling message with it.

I know, I know… I shouldn’t seek for closure. He hasn’t contacted me ever since. I still love him, miss him… But I lost hope. I tried Circular Dating, but no success. I only got some humiliation. Trying to focus on myself but everything I costs me 10 times as much energy as normally. with so much energy I could also work on the corn fields. I’m physically- emotionally exhausted, in bad financial status. My parents turned against me and see me as an enemy. I don’t have a job as well. I lost everything. I’m a living S.O.S sign.

He also said, he can only be a relationship with a woman who loves herself and has both feet on the ground. But how could I be this woman? Even if I was this imaginary woman- he would never find it out, because he NEVER calls me… LOL.

I’m really at the will of changing, but don’t know how to… Don’t want to lose him forever. I feel he is the One for me. In other things of life, we have totally the same concerns, lifestyle, plans for the future, same interests. The only thing we couldn’t agree is our relationship… :(”

Here’s my answer for us all:

Okay. I can hear my own inner voices, and all of yours judging Lia for basically not even hearing me in the first place, for not seeing reality, for focusing on this man instead of herself – for not seeing how she is causing her circumstances.

And yet – we ALL are like that.

In some ways we ALL wear blinders.

We are all blocking the truth. We see what we want to see, try to make everything “fixable.”

We all wish to believe we are so powerful – if only we had the key, we could wind up other people, change circumstances, run the world.

And yet – we feel so powerless that we cannot even control our own behavior.

We cannot see our anger and rage, and we hear a man saying “I cannot stand being with you because we argue. And I cannot love you because YOU don’t love you” and we IGNORE it.

We’re still looking for what we can fix.

The thing is – we CAN fix this – it’s just not the thing we want to fix that’s fixable!

We need to fix US – even if it’s the smallest thing – AND – we can’t fix it if we HATE ourselves!!

So – here’s the problem. We need to take responsibility – but not BLAME.

How?

There are lots of ways to look at this – spiritually, psychologically, practically…and more…

First – I want to say this – Lia is working the Tools. She’s using them, she’s practicing, she’s pulling them out, she’s noticing stuff, and THAT’S the GOOD part here.

What we need to help her with is that the REASON she’s working the Tools is the wrong reason.

This is pretty much the hardest place when you’re getting started with my Tools – getting your attitude from “I have to make this happen…” to “I don’t have to do anything to make this happen… All I have to do is give love to myself.”

This is a pretty radical shift in energy, in focus, and in your “vibe” – and all by itself…if you can start to talk yourself into this attitude…everything will change for you.

You’ll see the world and every moment in it differently.

Once you take your foot off the gas pedal of your life, and instead focus on enjoying and experiencing every tiny detail and moment of the RIDE…that’s when everything changes and your life takes off!

Love, Rori

Posted in

595 Comments

  1.  #1Meemee on November 22, 2010 at 8:02 am

    Hi Sirens
    I dont know why all my worst fears are coming true.
    I am back to managing X!!!!!!!!!!
    Today at office I was walking to balcony and bumped into X. He said “Hi” and I walked away without saying anything. He followed me to the balcony. He stood there with me for some time.
    Embarrassing silence. He asked me how I am doing.
    Silence
    How is health?
    Good.
    How is allegry? Taking medicines?
    Yes.

    He suddenly held me at my waist and said “Mee you are losing whatever weight you used to have”.
    It was so unexpected and I did not know what to do. I just stared at him, speechless.
    He asked again
    “Why are you losing so much weight”
    Silence
    “What is happening?”
    I lost control and replied ” You dont worry about that. I will put on weight now that I am on steroids”

    He stayed there for some more time asking me which perfume I am wearing and asking me many things. Then he said
    “You are not talking to me. I will come back after some time after having made adequate advances”

    Then he came to my room. As usual I continued working. Long long 2-3 minutes. He starts again
    X:Dont shout at me.”
    Me: Pardon Me
    X: Dont shout at me
    Me: I am not.
    X: Dont judge me
    Me: silence
    X: Dont judge me
    Me: I am not
    X: Then smile Mee. Smile
    Me: Do not command ( I wanted to keep my mouth shut. But I totally losy control).
    X: Smile please
    I didnt reply. He stayed there making baby faces and asking me this and that. I kept complete silence.
    Then he asked me if I have any medicines with me for gastritis. I said no.. He asked again and then said he will go and see if that is there in the medicine box. and left.
    I felt angry for some time.
    I still feel angry and sad.
    How do I deal with this guy???????
    I AM PERPLEXED AT HIS AUDACITY
    Meemee



  2.  #2Brenda on November 22, 2010 at 8:22 am

    Hello Meemee,

    What do you want? Do you want him out of your life? Are you entertaining drawing him back in with feeling messages, as Daria suggested? I feel confused about why you said you are back to managing him. How are you using the word “manage” in this context? Do you want him to hang around you and ask questions in between silences?



  3.  #3Meemee on November 22, 2010 at 8:51 am

    Brenda
    I used the word “manage” because I was so tired of managing myself myself around X, managing my feelings, anger and sadness caused by his presence. Manage in the sense of managing the situation. I didnt mean to say that I am bringing him back in my life and managing him thus. I think that word was quite inappropriate. 🙁

    Brenda, I really want him out of my life. But he sort of comes back with things I never expect. I am really bad at dealing with situations unexpected. Todaye was so totally unexpected.

    However hard I try I can not raise my voice to say “get out of my room”.

    Meemee



  4.  #4Mercedes on November 22, 2010 at 9:01 am

    “I don’t have to do anything to make this happen… All I have to do is give love to myself.”

    This is a pretty radical shift in energy, in focus, and in your “vibe” – and all by itself…if you can start to talk yourself into this attitude…everything will change for you.

    You’ll see the world and every moment in it differently.”

    Yes…to all of that…yes…

    For me, I didn’t really have to talk myself into that attitude, it sort of hit me over the head with itself…but when it happened, you are correct, everything changed for me.

    Thank you Rori.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  5.  #5Brenda on November 22, 2010 at 9:20 am

    Meemee,

    How ironic that he was saying “don’t shout at me”! I guess that was his way of saying it would be easier to deal with if you did shout or maybe your silence is deafening.

    How do you feel when he comes close to you? I get the impression you feel off-guard, vulnerable, and maybe drawn to him? Is it that you are having a hard time completely pushing him away even tho that is what you want?

    Why can’t you tell him to leave? Is it outside your comfort zone? Maybe something you’ve never done before?

    Since you said you definitely want him out of your life, would it be more your style to say something like this?

    “Please don’t come in here anymore. It’s over. I don’t want to talk to you unless it’s work-related. I wish you the best.”

    What do you think or feel?



  6.  #6Leo on November 22, 2010 at 9:20 am

    The new newsletter really got to me.
    I want to be heard when i talk to my men but I understand telling him want I want him to do isn’t the right way.
    Yes, it’s a conversation…so two parties are involved. In that case I need to give him time to respond.

    That’s a real practical advice I will definitely follow through with.

    Right now I feel really happy. I got quite some things done today – for myself. I feel proud and kind of satisfied but mostly really really happy.

    The litle discussion I had last night with my man really got me somewhere. I grew a lot smarter.
    And the best: I didn’t feel sad anymore but relieved and happy that we talked about it (in feeling messages). The urge to cry stopped and I fell asleep with a smile on my face!!!



  7.  #7Flora~ on November 22, 2010 at 9:46 am

    Dear Rori please can you help me. I have been dating a man long distance for 1 year we both have children and are both in final stages of divorces (he instigated his). we see each other every weekend and recently he asked if his daughter could come and stay and we have been having nice family weekends with her and my son. This weekend I had ‘the talk’ with him and asked what he saw for us in the future and he said he wasn’t up for moving in together. He said he had been avoiding the conversation and he felt bad because he still wants to date me and loves me but it seemed like he was saying ‘take it or leave it.’ He acts like a man and does all the calling/texting and rows the boat really well so I thought we were rowing towards a destination! It seems he had no plans for the future at all! I don’t understand why he has been getting our families together, introducing me to his family and seeing me more and more having a great time and adoring me and yet has no desire for us to have a future together in the concrete sense. I am really mortified by this and don’t know what to say. We agreed to keep dating for now until one of us doesn’t want to but I am torn apart – our children are asking when we are getting married and are getting their hopes up and that feels wrong. Please help me.



  8.  #8Simply Shannon on November 22, 2010 at 9:46 am

    I don’t know how to describe how this shift happens but it definitely has.

    “I have to make this happen”… feels like desperation. I must solve this NOW, or my life will be horrible. What do I say? What do I do? I’m going to eff this up or solve everything based on what I say right NOW. What happens right NOW matters. Urgency, yes life feels urgent when “I have to make this happen”. I feel tense writing the words.

    “I don’t have to do anything to make this happen… All I have to do is give love to myself”…. feels easy and unrushed. I feel good right where I am. My heart feels open. Everyone sees my heart. It’s no longer hiding behind words or defenses. So no matter what I say the other person feels the love behind the words, even when I feel mad. Feels like relief and deep breaths.



  9.  #9Lorelei on November 22, 2010 at 10:24 am

    Meemee – X is being outrageous and disrespectful of you and your boundaries. I feel angry with him, but I don’t care why he is the way he is.

    Keep on with what you’re doing – you are doing so well, even though it is tiring, and exhausting. Maybe frightening? I so admire how you are handling this situation. I really do.

    I have often being caught or trapped in conversations where I was kind of answering someone else’s questions, even though I didn’t want to talk to them. I was brought up to believe that if someone asked me a questions, it was rude to not reply. I wonder if it is the same for you? So I ended up caught in a conversation that wasn’t going anywhere, but also wouldn’t stop, because the other person just kept on asking questions, and I felt obliged to reply.

    You have already said to X that you only want to talk to him about work related things. You have stated your boundary, and he ignores it, over and over. This tells me he has no interest in you as yourself – it’s all about him. He will not, or cannot, understand that you are a person in your own right, with rights, and with the right to differ from his opinion.

    What if you didn’t have to answer any of his questions, but just said either nothing, or “I don’t want to talk to you.” Whatever he ask, just this, “I don’t want to talk to you.” After 4 or 5 times of you saying this, can you get up and walk away?

    If he touches you (which he should not be doing), could you say, “I don’t want you to touch me,” or just “Do not touch me.” And repeat this, or walk away. Don’t try to explain. He does not deserve any explanation.

    When you do the walk away, where can you go – ie to someone else, or the cafe, or a shop? The library?

    Could you start keeping a written log of all the times he invades your boundaries? Is there anyone senior in your department, or in the wider university, who you could confide in about this – doctor? counsellor? tutor? supervisor? welfare officer? a students’ union officer? I don’t know the right word for this kind of person, but over here we would also have chaplains of different religions, who are often there for students to talk to – may they would be called something different?

    Family member who could support you as you talk to someone confidentially at the university? There must be someone. Very often, once a secret comes out in the open, it’s power over us dissolves.What do you think/feel about letting someone else there in to the secret?

    I feel anxious that the whole thing is still such a secret – which is what he wants. Over here, this kind of harassment could be formally complained about. And it IS harassment. What happened before with him doesn’t matter. But NOW, you have told him things must change. And he’s not respecting that.

    It is fantastic that you are using Rori’s tools so well, and being so able to try them out. But I feel anxious for you that there are so few people in your situation who you can turn too. We Sirens can’t actually be physically present. And just wish you had someone who you could actually see, and talk to, as well as us
    on the blog.

    Keep checking in with us here, and keep doing nice things for yourself. And protecting yourself from X.



  10.  #10Jagged Mountain on November 22, 2010 at 11:13 am

    Hi there Rori and Sirens

    This post feels so relevant to me and my circumstances..
    I feel ashamed and angry at my self for having accepted the unacceptable for three years…
    twisted my self in loops to accomodate to his needs for independence…
    I am angry at him for turning me in to his enemy,
    but I know and feel so guilty about it that i had my part in it…
    every time i would try to talk from my needs he would perceive me as a demanding controlling bitch..
    even when I talked from my heart and make sure not to blame him, it end up in an argument..
    deep down I do blame him and at the same time blame my self…

    I know I have to love my self but it feels impossible after so much rejection and abandontment,
    my self-stem is nowhere near…

    when I met him I was a rock star touring the world and he was my fan..

    I have compromised everything for this relationship because I had hope, I believed in him and in my strengh and clarity…

    This time I wasn’t going to run away… when things got nasty I was going to stay!!! but this time it was him the one who runed and because I had done it in the past… I understood where he was coming from so I let him run and and comeback over and over but I didn’t do it gracefully …

    Now I am an angry mess…

    I know that I have to love my self and I try but I feel so drained and exhausted …

    How can one believe again that I am a worthy when I have allowed him to treat me so badly…

    when I have seen my self as a desperate angry worthless woman through his eyes and my actions …

    It’s so difficult to mantain peace within to trust myself again..

    I am scared that he will call again and I will not say NO again.

    I am scared that he will never call and I will be left with this feeling of being used to the end of my possibilities…

    Sorry I don’t know if I am making any sense but I feel so confused and full of pain… and lonely… and punished… I can’t talk to anybody about it ..it’s gone beyond reason..

    I have been reading your blog and posts and trying your programs for over a year.. but to be honest probably for the wrong reasons too..

    I used to believe i was a goddess and a queen but deep down I found that no matter how many years of therapy and healing, I am still that little frustrated girl that didn’t had any right to have any needs..

    I tried CD but couldn’t do it or he would sense it and come back building my hopes again..

    I guess I am reaching out to you for empathy and support …

    from Spain via London

    Jagged Mountain X



  11.  #11Simply Shannon on November 22, 2010 at 11:17 am

    Meemee, I trust that you feel uncomfortable in this situation. And yet I feel confused about “his audacity”. From what you’ve written, it seems to me that he is asking if you’re okay. He asks about your weight, your health, your smile. What I am seeing is you staying silent and not saying what you feel in the moment. You are indeed managing Meemee’s emotions and not expressing them except on the blog.

    Similar to what Lorelei is saying, I’d repeat this over and over…

    “I feel angry. I don’t want to talk to you.”

    X:Dont shout at me.
    Me: Pardon Me
    X: Dont shout at me
    Me: “I feel angry. I don’t want to talk to you.”
    X: Dont judge me
    Me: silence
    X: Dont judge me
    Me: “Ugh. I feel angry. I don’t want to talk to you.”
    X: Then smile Mee. Smile
    Me: “I feel furious and unheard. I don’t want to talk to you.”
    X: Smile please
    me: I feel bored. (Get up and walk out of the room.)



  12.  #12Lorelei on November 22, 2010 at 11:34 am

    SS – re Meemee’s convo with X. Following the story for a while, I heard X’s questions about her health and looks and weight as part of an ongoing pattern of trying to engage her, on her own, and possibly trick her into a more intimate relationship than she wants. I hear his questioning of her as attempts at continued power or control over her. I may be wrong . .but this man seems abusive to the max. And he cannot respond to her discomfort, or her expressed wish that he leave her alone . . . so I interpret it as he doesn’t care about her as a person. ..



  13.  #13Brenda on November 22, 2010 at 11:45 am

    In Meemee’s situation, I see a victim/predator dynamic. It’s familiar to me, because I used to be the victim.

    Meemee, I don’t know you well, but I get the impression you are soft-spoken and well-trained to do what you’re told and be polite…is that accurate? And that it’s out of your comfort zone to be “rude”, even when someone has been way beyond rude to you in the past.

    I also wonder if you are tempted to give in to his softness….

    What do you think/feel?



  14.  #14Daria on November 22, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    In Meemee situation I see a man giving good behaviour now. Things have shifted.

    Because of the past her, and other Sirens are calling it “attempts to snare her” etc. Well of course. Did u thunk a man is not going to pursue a woman, especially one who has started living herself?

    It’s important to ask : is this the behaviour I want?

    I would think it would be, from a new man.

    This man is doing everything he knows to win Meemee over.

    You know the part about warm and in sting when a man changes behaviour? And how we font expect it and it feels overwhelming?

    Well here you see it.

    Meemee could have probably whatever she wants from this man right now.

    In comes: sexual attraction! Meemee feels weird that she feels it when he touches her… But it Diesnt mean anything!

    It Diesnt mean she had to sleep with him or do anything she doesn’t want to. It’s a natural attraction of the body that happens when two people have repeatedly slept together…

    It doesn’t mean she has to Act on it.

    And his advances… They don’t feel good because Meemee is still angry. She u’s very closed off. She’s not expressing her feelings, or don’t wants. She’s making small talk then giving him the silent treatment.

    Meemee has to take Babysteps to speaking her feelings in the moment… Start with one, then it will get easier.

    Practice a ready one for scenarios that may be unexpected.

    And in general Expect that he will try whatever, both good and bad behaviour to win her over.

    A man pusyes a woman, it’s up to her to set the parameters of what she doesn’t want and what feels good

    Otherwise shell get at best cluelessness, at worst here… A wounded man that plays out his own wounds and isn’t able to heal them in relationship on his own, without boundaries.



  15.  #15Senior Lady Vibe on November 22, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    @9: Simply Shannon says:
    “Meemee, I trust that you feel uncomfortable in this situation. And yet I feel confused about “his audacity”. From what you’ve written, it seems to me that he is asking if you’re okay. He asks about your weight, your health, your smile.”

    I’m not confused because I’ve read it before. I find it as creepy as Hell! He asks her to defend why she looks bad, tired, sick, losing weight on and on and on etc He does not “ask” about smiling, he demands that she do so. Yuck, I can’t stand yucky guys who do that.

    And further, he is not responsive to her answers, continuing to nag at her. He does not honor her stated boundaries. I do not see any real concern about her in anything he says.

    Yuck! Double yuck as far as that goes…

    SLV



  16.  #16Senior Lady Vibe on November 22, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    @12: Daria says:

    “…This man is doing everything he knows to win Meemee over…”

    Yes, perhaps winning her to give him the relationship he had before. I don’t see that he’s offered her anything different. I don’t see that he’s offered her anything beyond a cup of coffee a few weeks ago.

    Sirens can do better than that I think, attract a guy who offers more.

    But as you say he might be doing everything he knows…it worked the first time and continued to get him what he wanted for three years!!!

    SLV



  17.  #17Simply Shannon on November 22, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    I feel unheard and angry. I choose to believe that people can change on a dime. I also choose to believe that Meemee is strong and in control of this situation. I will not willingly label anyone (Meemee or myself) a victim. We’re better than that.

    When I change, everyone changes.

    I used to believe I was a victim and labeled my exhusband as the alcoholic, cheating, part-time-daddy a$$hole. In return, I was labeled the nagging, righteous, no fun b*tch.

    Then I changed, and so did he.

    Pattern, schmattern. Labels, schmabels.



  18.  #18Simply Shannon on November 22, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    Daria!
    “It doesn’t mean she had to sleep with him or do anything she doesn’t want to. It’s a natural attraction of the body that happens when two people have repeatedly slept together…
    It doesn’t mean she has to Act on it.”

    I experienced this myself two weeks ago with a CD. My body responded from kissing but I realized I didn’t have to do anything with it. Woohoo!



  19.  #19Daria on November 22, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    Slv – yes indeed… Everythng he Knows. He likely doesn’t know how to cout a woman.

    If he’s told, I’m not interested in dating until it’s a formal date… He’d likely ask about that..

    Continue his usual behaviour, of talk and hugs… If he was told no… He’d withdraw…

    Then perhaps actually ask her on a real date ( if he can, with his own issues.. Getright man in my life hasn’t gotten so far yet)

    This is a wounded man – he behaves in icky ways due to wounds and is addicted to acting this way. A woman with string boundaries provides an incentive.. Her.. To change behaviour to new better behaviour. This heals him as he now sees himself taking better behaviour (same as we heal, with same incentive… Us)

    The date would likely flunk as he doesn’t know how to handle
    it.

    The woman states feelings and boundaries he tries again, he Improves… He heals…



  20.  #20Daria on November 22, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    Simply Shannon – isn’t it amazing? It feels like I’m made of breathing liquid, and like his papi thing could slip inside me in about 2 seconds Through my clothes.

    I can feel the energy from his papi thang like a heat, I love that with a man, making my cat jump.



  21.  #21Brenda on November 22, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    Shannon,

    I hear you, and I agree that people can change on a dime. I put that in there about “victim” because when I was a victim, I was not consciously aware of it until several people told me, “Stop playing the victim! You know why he’s hurting you?? Because you let him!”

    I started giving myself “bitch” lessons, and I learned how to use my assertive voice.

    I thought maybe Meemee could benefit from hearing my feedback on how she sounds like a victim.

    My past voice said in one way or another, “Please don’t hurt me! I’ll do anything you say! Just please don’t hurt me!”

    I gradually learned, and am learning, that when I speak from a position of strength, picturing myself as a queen on a throne, or what-have-you, that I stop mealy-mouthed patterns that keep me victimized by predators.

    I am hoping Meemee will find her assertive voice, too, to command her own life no matter what a man says, does, doesn’t say, or doesn’t do.

    What do you think/feel?



  22.  #22Brenda on November 22, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    I remember when I was a teenager or maybe early 20s, I was listening to an after-school special on TV about bullying. A little girl was taught by her brother to say, “Get the hell out of my way!”

    She kept practicing it, and I found myself practicing it with her, realizing how alien those words and that attitude felt in my mouth and heart. That still comes to mind at times when I tend to feel intimidated.

    Then I switch into bitch mode in order to hold my boundaries.



  23.  #23Daria on November 22, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Regarding 19 man and my lingerie pictures.

    After my last message expressing anger again

    He wrote:

    Ok I am done talking

    II didn’t know what to make of this, it felt bad, but I didn’t want to not respect his decision… Also not wanting to assume what he meant.

    Yesterday I got another video about topless women protesting in the Ukraine- to attract attention to their causes.

    I liked the video! But I felt bad cuz I saw it in a light of telling ne like He wrote before that I should be doing thus that what I’m doing is not good enough.

    I didn’t answer.

    Today I opened my mailbox again, and felt inspired to share my feelings. I really like what I wrote!

    I feel good about it! Yay.

    I feel glad to have seen it but also have a bad feeling as I interpreting this … From our past messages… As carrying the intent of telling me that what I am doing is not good enough.

    I do not want to tolerate Being told or implied I am not good enough I’m any way or compared to others.

    At this point I feel suspicious and dissapointed with heartache feelings.

    Also kind of removed and numb.

    I dint want to feel this way. I want to feel loved protected seen and honored by the men in my life.

    I feel scared. I like you very much.

    What do you think?
    ———— Original Message ————

    http%3a%2f%2fwww.cnn.com%2fvideo%2f%23%2fvideo%2fworld%2f2010%2f11%2f20%2fnr.bilchik.topless.protests.cnn%3fhpt%3dT2%3cbr+%2f%3e”



  24.  #24Daria on November 22, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Oops I meant to include link but didn’t copy well on my itouch.



  25.  #25life_is_too_short_to... on November 22, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    Victimhood, hmmm…i was previously operating from a belief that held that cutting off communication with EUM by blocking his calls, etc. was a victim behavior.

    My belief has since changed to one that says it was the absolute appropriate action to take under the circumstances. Zero contact sends the message that I sit in my power, and I am in control, because your actions, your energy, our interactions, is draining me. No mas!

    I don’t want to know when or if he tries to contact me, because I have seen enough proof in the pudding that he is not willing or able to make it conducive to both of us participating maturely in a relationship of shared values.

    Yes, things CAN change on a dime. If I change, the other person MIGHT change. But. They have to be WILLING to change.

    As Course in Miracles say, your darkness will attract the darkness in another, but your Light will also attract darkness…and it does not always transform into light, until such time that it is ready, if ever.

    **LiFe**



  26.  #26Rosalie on November 22, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    Wow, interesting post… Sirens, what do you think about Lia and her situation? How could she be helped? How could have this story ended?



  27.  #27life_is_too_short_to... on November 22, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    Also, I did No Contact with no expectations that my walking away might make him a better man, might make him beg me to see him or grovel at my feet.
    None of that.

    The intention is a complete letting go of the situation, and my only request is to be shown what I most need to know for my own transformation.

    Of course I can hear his excuses and defense mechanisms and his blaming echoing in my brain,
    because he is churning them over and over in his mind, but I am not giving into them.

    There was one place I had forgotten to block and he sent a short message yesterday. It made me see that the blocking needed to be even more complete, which will help to really get those echoes out.

    At some point, you just have to take a firm stand and stick by your conviction, aka, firm, strong, healthy boundaries.

    **LiFe**



  28.  #28sia on November 22, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    Hello Daria,

    something occurred to me… When you were having your hard time, I posted that I feel sorry for your troubles and also jealous that my troubles dont get the attention.
    I dont feel good about the second part. I regret I shared that particular feeling, and didnt save it for other time (you know, like rori says we should ask: is this a good time to talk? I didnt, and I presume it wasnt.) I should have kept my mouth shut. I apologise. x



  29.  #29Simply Shannon on November 22, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    Daria, yes! I have never felt quite so turned on in my life, and we did nothing but kiss. Blew me away and reminded me that the power is completely in me. I can choose to feel turned on at any time. I can even choose what level of turned on I will allow myself to have. Quite eye opening. 🙂

    Life, I agree with you! I change me, and it may change him (for me) into complete silence, a vapor, a memory only. The dynamic between us changes by either shifting or stopping all together. I become whole again. And he becomes whoever he becomes. Now he knows what a siren is like and so he will be changed by my change, by having known me. I like it.



  30.  #30Daria on November 22, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    Sia – whoa! you are trippin Goddess!

    I feel concerned that you feel bad about sharing about yourself!

    WHAAA??

    NEVER!!

    ALWAYS PUT YOURSELF FIRST

    I feel glad to hear that you did share (tho I probably skipped it – putting myself first)

    Don’t SAVE SHARING FEELINGS!!!

    ALWAYS SHARE FEELINGS! as quickly as you feel them as possible, in a way that honors you

    this helps YOU and ME connect with you, and our relationship TRUTHFUL AND HONEST AND TRUSTING!

    “is this a good time to talk… comes in when we are about to INITIATE a talk…”

    not in response to a blog

    which is FOR YOU

    this entire blog is FOR YOU

    to practice expressing, yelling , helping, loving, whatever you want!



  31.  #31Daria on November 22, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    Notice how Meemee’s post and situation get attention, without feeling draining to me. WE ALL want to help and are drawn in by a feminine woman,

    being the fern, sharing…

    she is expressing truthfully and honestly,

    and it’s magnetic

    I feel jealous of this!

    JEALOUSY IS GREAT!! JEALOUSY SHOWS ME WHAT I WANT!!

    the “bad” feeling of jealousy is fromt houghts saying… “you won’t have that”

    but that is BS I love my lil protector voices,

    bUT I WILL HAVE IT AND I WILL HAVE IT JUST BY DECLARING IT SO

    LIKE I DECLARE THAT I WILL EASILY PAY MY PHONEBILL BEFORE IT GETS ERASED



  32.  #32PassionatelyPisces on November 22, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    A li’l off topic here–but I’m wondering if there’s a free site where you Sirens get the astrology information. I get e-mails about sun signs and compatability all the time—-and while I don’t think I totally ‘believe’ in all this stuff–I’m still curious about it.

    I put in my birthdate, time and place and got a list of signs–one for each planet. But I don’t know what it means or what to do with the information. (I don’t want to spend $197.00 to buy the “program” 🙁 )

    Some of you seem to know quite a lot about this stuff 🙂

    This morning’s letter is such a good topic (Loving Ourselves before a man can love us.) This is my main goal in my life right now—learning to love myself unconditionally…and healing the scared, defensive little girl inside who lives in ‘survival mode’ and doesn’t believe she’s loveable or that she deserves to be loved and adored.)

    I’ve been ‘lurking’ around on the internet dating sites. I kind of ‘half’ started a profile so I could keep looking (otherwise they let you look at a few and then it keeps popping up that you have to register and have a profile to keep looking.)

    Some days are pretty encouraging—and then other days are really DIScouraging. I don’t know what some of these men are thinking when they choose the photos. Some look like they just woke up or have a hangover (face all bloated and holding a beer bottle) or with their shirts off (taken inside a house—not even, like on the beach or outdoors where it might be appropriate to not be wearing a shirt.) Sheesh!

    Also I don’t know why men in the age group I’m looking for (I’m 50) think that all kinds of messy, long, unattended to facial hair is an attractive feature. YUK! (I prefer the clean-cut look.) I’d say that over 50% of the photos are of these grizzly, ‘biker-dude/zztop’ looking characters. I am a child of the 70’s tried-and-true, but even back then, I didn’t like the whole long-hair, bearded face “look” for men.

    There’s nothing like kissing (and/or being kissed by) a nice, smooth, freshly shaven face!) Sigh….

    I’ve been reading about how to write a good profile and am working with my friend to take some decent, recent pictures of me. Is it possible to not have your pic online for all to see—yet make it available for certain people when they contact you and ask for it? I think I’d prefer doing it that way. (I totally understand why they’d need to see it in order to decide whether to bother meeting.)

    Also—I’m not sure if it even pays to look around on those sites if we are not supposed to do the contacting. There’s one guy I kind of want to respond to—there’s something VERY humorous in one of his pics (I’m sure it’s for conversation to see if the person responding recognizes it/notices it and finds it funny for the right reason.) He says he doesn’t want to rule out ‘just friends’ so commenting on the pic seems innocent enough. (A great sense of humor and somewhat like mine is really important to me.) And, seriously, I’m way more interested in the pic and humor behind it than I am in the guy, himself.

    What do you Sirens think? What does Rori say about the online thing—I’ve only heard bits and pieces, so I’m not sure if I’m taking it out of context, etc.)

    Peace…



  33.  #33Meemee on November 22, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    Sirens
    Today has been mad. X called me and sent messages saying that he wants to talk me and clear certain things. I am pasting the conversation below.
    I feel so confused and powerless after this conversation
    I need your help. This is a pretty long conversation. But please please read this and tell me what you feel. If you feel like slapping me, send me virtual slaps. I feel so confused after this conversation and need your help so that I will not fall into a trap again.
    I am eagerly eagerly waiting for comments from you

    X: Mee, so why dont we say something nice to each other like “Mee, i love you”

    me: I dont mind saying that to myself. I do say that to myself

    X: But Mee, I am telling you that I love you

    me: That is a good news. Thank you

    X: you are cross

    me: In fact, No. I am angry

    X: are we going to go beyond mono and bi and tri syllabic conversations

    Me: we can try

    X: I am sweetie. I am

    me: carry on, I am following

    X: first of all, I am really very sorry for keeping away. I have reasons but they are not excuses. so i will not share it with them with you. That is, it is not even important. But I agree with you that I shouldn’t have done that. However, I want you to consider for a moment my opinion that probably it was good that I kept away because otherwise with my instability of the last couple of months I would have made life difficult for both of us. Instead i chose to stay away. That is not a good enough reason. That is only a justification. And then, when I see you, I feel like giving you a kiss but that is not possible because somehow time has been really squeezed for me in between these months. I will stop here for a moment for you to respond

    me: You can continue

    X: I also wanted to say that sometimes I feel it is our lovemaking that is ruining your health because you are not able to take it. And so I feel like staying off you lest I end up really killing you

    me: Okay. So be it then.

    X: No. it is not that I fully believe in it. These are all my confusions which make me clam up without acting. So it is not like it is really a good worked out reason I have. It simply muddles me all together and add to my other push and pull with all the people around me that makes me so self-stupid

    me: silence
    X: but Mee, sometimes I like you. Sometimes I hate you. Sometimes I want to run away from you. Sometimes I want to embrace you and plant a deep kiss on your navel, like now. I hate you because I cannot occupy a normal relationship with you for a host of reasons. And second reason I haven’t yet come to terms with your psychology. That is I still feel bizarre sometimes about the psychological touchiness that you have about so many things. Not that I hate it. I only feel like we are very very different people and that’s why I start hating you

    me:You can continue doing that. I can not change it.

    X: Mee, come budge a little. Make some allowance. Bend your spine. Smile or better still forgive

    me: You have not completed I thought

    X: take an example from the other day: you had a bad allergy. and so your face was distorted. And so you decided to sit inside your room. Cover yourself up and not only that but also bolt the room. Now this is perfectly fine by me
    but you do one more thing. you decide to describe this entire thing in your status message for the world to see.
    If you are hiding out of discomfort or shame or ickness, then why display it?
    Isn’t it bad faith?
    Now this is my puzzle
    I can’t understand it.
    Probably it is completely normal to so what you did.
    But my distorted upbringing makes me read too much into this. Make me place too much load on propriety

    me: can you gimme a better example? I want to understand what you are saying

    X: well, this was the one i remembered.
    But generally you somehow objectify your condition and enact it along with suffering it.
    I mean, sometimes I know I have hurt you. That you are pissed off and that you are genuinely upset or violated. But then you are not only genuinely violated and hurt and pissed off. Over and above being all this (which is fine by me) you are also displaying it or say enacting it out for my benefit. Somehow when something is wrong with me there is only one thing. there is my feeling.
    But when something is wrong with you there are two things. There is your feeling and then there is your display of that feeling.
    The second one disturbs me so much that i just turn away even from the first one. The first one which is indeed a genuine thing. When i am angry i show anger.
    when i am sad i show sadness
    but you also do one more thing:
    you self-consciously choose a mode of affected presentation.
    Its like lets say, what happens when a great actor is really suffering from some pain when he is on stage.
    But enacting the role of a dying sick man. we will just not be able to understand it. Because what is available is only the pain of the ficton. and this pain of the fiction distorts or blocks our direct dealing with the real pain.
    about real pain we do something. clumsily we try band find a solution.
    but with this other pain, this fictional pain, we retreat into ourselves and examine the effects it has on us and judge whether it was genuine or not the presentation.

    me: I do not understand that
    to me it is very simple
    I was damn unwell
    I was sitting in my room.
    and people coming in
    i don’t mind that
    I entertain all work related stuff

    X: in your situation i would have lied. or done something else. not describe your sorry state in such poetic prose. it is in bad faith. again i thought so then. not now. now i am more confused.
    me: can i complete? I am not done yet.

    X: sure. Sorry

    me: then some people come and giggle “what are you doing sitting alone in the room?” “what secret business happening” “why have you bolted ur room” giggle giggle giggle
    I tell them in plain english i am unwell and want to be left alone
    then i get a lecture on my health
    then they ping
    asking same questions
    I give up
    I don’t want to go out.
    I feel angry
    I write something
    I post it as my status message. It is as simple as that. If i bolt my room that is my way of telling people who do not understand plain English
    it is a way of not exposing myself to more triggers of anger
    it is a way of taking care of myself

    X: I like that phrase: care of self
    taking care of yourself

    me: so you can give me a better example to put your point across

    X: no. let me not extend the case.
    Probably i was only overreacting with that one example.
    if there were many i would have remembered them
    if i don’t it means there are not many

    me: you can tell me if you have more examples

    X: not now baby
    now i only have your body and your face in my sight.
    now i only have the asymmetrical curve of your hairline on both sides of your forehead in my sight
    and your slender waist curving into a mermaid shaped hip
    and the tingling fragrance of your perfume “chastity ”

    me: I have certain things to say
    it can wait if it is sleeping time for you
    because I do not like to be suspended

    X: no no. say baby

    Me: People spend time together and they understand each other.

    X: hmmm
    but do you agree that we have never had normal conversation
    either we are making love or we are in an impossible situation where we are accusing or something like that
    that we hardly talk about things in life
    llike normally we do with friends
    somehow that has not happened
    it just takes us to loosen the nerves a bit

    me: okay

    X: but now let us just force ourselves to make some lovey dovey conversation
    if it doesnt come naturally.
    Can i tell you what i want now? I want my palm on your waist.

    me: But now if I have to do it, i will have to feel safe. and I do not feel safe X

    X: hmmmmm
    i understand it sweetie
    let me try and work it out
    let me work the ice out

    Me: my commonsense says what I did not get within a relationship, i will not get outside it
    I want a man who loves me and adores me. Period
    I can not stand it if the man i share my body with is ashamed to be with me
    ashamed to be seen with me

    X: ok sweetie, this is something i need to really think over. i am not ashamed of you
    i am guarding a secret. which i cant let out. It is you

    me: I dont expect to marry every man I meet: I dont expect to marry every man I date either

    X: but do you expect to date many a man?

    me: i dont mind being with a man who might not want to carry me forward in his life for reasons that might arise in the course of the relationship. It is perfectly normal too. But I can not be with a man who does not treat me well.
    I so strongly feel you are ashamed of me
    ashamed to be with me. I trust those feelings

    X: i am not ashamed of you sweetie.
    i am afraid of people discovering us, especailly my friends. But somehow i feel breathed down upon. call it persecution complex if you will

    Me: I told you many a time that I am tired of doing things to keep things going.

    X: sweetie its somehow getting all muddled in my brain of late. But dont think i am not working on it. Only my results are so poor and i am ashamed of it

    me: i do the work that a man has to do
    i feel less like a woman

    X: i guess i am never a man in any relationship
    and that causes probelms too
    apart from shouting and screaming i hardly do any manly things

    me: I am extremely sorry X. If that is the case, I must state it very clearly then that I am looking for a man
    who will love me
    care for me
    cover me with kisses
    who makes me melt
    who makes me feel like a woman
    i want to receive
    i am too tired of giving giving giving
    I have a life to live. I can take care of myself
    but that does not mean that I should lower my expectations from a man

    X: so are you basically saying i am no good

    me: What i am saying is not a reflection on what you are
    its a reflection of what i want

    X: i feel powerless in front of such clarity. can i ask you a wrong question?

    me: ya

    X: i think i should make love to you once. that will clear some fog in my head. and i hope it does with you too. do you agree? without sex we will not know about our love. i may be wrong. correct me.
    actually between us what has worked is sex. not words.
    or you think i am being the good ol’ man you are fed up with?

    me: we always had chances to know through words
    but they were never made use of

    X: hmmm.
    i agree there
    but deep inside you there is a clarity which is visible when you shriek and writhe in pain when i am inside you.
    i prefer to hurt you like that than to hurt you like this

    me: that is a clarity that goes away the moment you clean up after sex and leave
    and that, I afraid, is why I never got a single call from you or text from you after sex

    X: ya. That is also because we have never had time after sex. Mostly my problem. Mee, wouldnt it hurt you enormously if i turned out to be interested in sex only.

    me: Not really. I could figure that out in the last couple of months: but there are more things, better things I can offer as a woman. there are more and better things I can take from a man too. but now that you sort of stated that you were interested only in sex, i feel we should stop this conversation altogether

    X: you think so?

    me: insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results

    X: well then let us stop and begin somewhere else some other time if there is a somewhere and a sometime else than this.
    oh ok.
    Then actually your insanity point answers my ping about stopping and beginning
    so ya.
    thats like a nice crash landing

    me: thank you for being honest with me

    X: anyway, i will not remember this conversation the next time i meet you. you can remind me if you want to. or simply start talking from a random point in time and space and build a new thread altogether
    after so many years i have come to believe in one thing. wherever you go and wherever you start and end and whatever you say, you are not faraway from anything. you are not faraway from anywhere. you are just there somewhere.
    twenty years from today i could meet you in a hotel lobby in amsterdam and we could go and make love like that is what the world was conspired to do.

    me: I still have feelings for you. I was sexually and romantically interested in you. I am not interested in friendship

    X: yes baby. but what will do with a man who will not marry you?
    Who will insist on a secret relationship?

    Me: I told you at the beginning of this conversation that I do not expect to marry every man i meet and date.

    X:. and what about the secrecy bit?

    me: I cant take that. I believe in one thing – when a man does not want me, I should leave. I should not hang around, I should not suspend myself in the air
    I should just leave

    X: ok baby let us carry this conversation forward to tomorrow. We have done some things. Now i am feeling slightly sick because my of stomach. If i am awake more time my acid balance will again reverse. until then please be gracious enough to take my kiss in the middle of your thigh. good night sweetie.. See you tomorrow god willing

    Me: I like all this. But, I can do it only when I feel safe with you

    X: baby sweet, my manhood is craving for you: I will make you feel safe. I cant use my brains to make you feel safe. It takes a full pair of lips and a tongue and a pair of arms to make you feel safe. So what is happening this Thursday at your place?

    Me: nothing much. I have an appointment with dr in the evening. But can I ask for something? I will feel better if I can spend some time together with you, not sex. But if your answer is a no and you want only sex, then forget all this.

    X: let’s do that sweetie. Will tell you. Probably Thursday is still a good day. Let us work it out by tomorrow

    me: there might not be a Thursday if we get things clear in our head tomorrow

    X: wow.
    As you say sweetie: but whether there is or no Thursday, today my head throbs with the image of your navel and your sex. Good night

    Me: Thank you

    So this is the conversation. I am feeling shaky. And I even feel I should have cut the conversation in the middle instead of listening to him.
    I need help now. I need to get clarity. I do not want to be carried away with his good and nice words.
    Meemee



  34.  #34sia on November 22, 2010 at 2:17 pm

    feeling better daria, thank you

    yes i too see meemee as very feminine, just that name in itself, so soft and melodic meemeemeemeemeemeemeeemeee

    yum



  35.  #35lola on November 22, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    Passionatelypisces
    I use astrodienst (astro.com)
    If you go to free horoscopes and click extended chart selection you can get natal charts with transits/asteroids/synastry/ composite and progressed charts – and loads more as well as adding friends family lovers!all this free although you can subscribe and get more detail on the daily horoscope. Plus articles and loads of other info. I don’t know heaps about this subject but most of what I learned I got from astrodienst.
    XXXX



  36.  #36Senior Lady Vibe on November 22, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    @27: Simply Shannon says:
    “Daria, yes! I have never felt quite so turned on in my life, and we did nothing but kiss. Blew me away and reminded me that the power is completely in me. I can choose to feel turned on at any time. I can even choose what level of turned on I will allow myself to have. Quite eye opening. ”

    Hi SS:

    This is something for me to work on. How did you do this? Get to this level?

    SLV



  37.  #37Senior Lady Vibe on November 22, 2010 at 2:25 pm

    @28 bDaria
    “is this a good time to talk… comes in when we are about to INITIATE a talk…”
    not in response to a blog
    which is FOR YOU
    this entire blog is FOR YOU
    to practice expressing, yelling , helping, loving, whatever you want!”

    Oooooooo! Loving it. I’m breaking out.

    SLV



  38.  #38Mercedes on November 22, 2010 at 2:26 pm

    Meemee: For me, this would be enough to walk away:

    X: yes baby. but what will do with a man who will not marry you?
    Who will insist on a secret relationship?

    You were honest here and what you say you should do is most likely what I would do:

    me: I cant take that. I believe in one thing – when a man does not want me, I should leave. I should not hang around, I should not suspend myself in the air
    I should just leave

    Those last words “I should just leave”…his wanting to keep you a secret…all of this feels very sad to me but mostly I want to see you strong and I want to see you fully understand that a secret relationship isn’t enough…not near enough…no matter what else he has to say.

    Where you see sweet words from him, I see bottom line…no marriage and a secret affair. Everything else in my mind is him saying “blah blah blah blah”…nothing matters except he isn’t offering you anything you want. I pray for strength for you.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  39.  #39Meemee on November 22, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    Mercedes
    Thanks. The first response! I am thankful. I feel so touched that you sirens are taking time to read and help me. I never got such support ever in my life.

    I need a hug now. I feel too shaky after this conversation.

    Love

    Meemee



  40.  #40Nikita on November 22, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    Meemee,

    Hugs 🙂

    and No More secrets 😉

    welcome to a life living in the light.

    hugs,
    Nikita



  41.  #41Mercedes on November 22, 2010 at 2:39 pm

    Here’s a hug from me too.

    Hmmm…I don’t know what else there is to say after this:

    “I must state it very clearly then that I am looking for a man
    who will love me
    care for me
    cover me with kisses
    who makes me melt
    who makes me feel like a woman
    i want to receive
    i am too tired of giving giving giving
    I have a life to live. I can take care of myself
    but that does not mean that I should lower my expectations from a man”

    Looks like you got this down girl!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  42.  #42Senior Lady Vibe on November 22, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    @30: PassionatelyPisces says:

    “…Also—I’m not sure if it even pays to look around on those sites if we are not supposed to do the contacting…”

    I’m doing some of the same thing. I call it “scouting” the sites; I’m more less learning how they work. I’m not ready yet for contacts; don’t even know if I will be. Please post your progress.

    Did you see the Eori blog OKCupid post? Lots of how-to-do online dating but mostly how to use that site. I don’t remember Rori’s position on initiating or if she posted one. I’ll re-read the post; it’s a long one!

    I believe (this is just me talking and when I learn more I might change my mind…) it’s OK to make one contact and show some interest in the guy’s profile essay. That’s my position so far…

    SLV



  43.  #43Jeannette on November 22, 2010 at 2:49 pm

    Girls, I am a little confused at the moment. I told my fiance over the phone last night that my heart was skipping alot of beats….have been very busy. He said you work so hard, you need someone to take care of you. I said, oh, well would that be you? And he said I hope so. He’s the one with cancer. Anyway today I sent him a e-mail before work. I said that on the phone when he said I need someone to take care of me that he almost sounded like he meant someone other then him.. So when he wrote me back he sent his message under another title (in subject box) and did not even mention what I said. Any thoughts girls? I need to know what to say to him.



  44.  #44Senior Lady Vibe on November 22, 2010 at 3:10 pm

    @41 Jeannette

    “…He’s the one with cancer. ….when he wrote me back he sent his message under another title (in subject box) and did not even mention what I said. Any thoughts girls? I need to know what to say to him….’

    Yes, he’s the one with cancer and having chemotheraphy. That is probably on his mind a lot and I hope he’s taking the best care of himself that he can.

    What can you say to him? Something kind and loving this time would be sweet for both of you.

    SLV



  45.  #45Siena on November 22, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    “I don’t have to do anything to make this happen… All I have to do is give love to myself.”

    You’ll see the world and every moment in it differently.”

    I would like that shift to come. I’m almost there, but not quite. I can still feel myself trying to “fix” men and relationships.

    I did feel a wonderful shift this weekend, however! It actually might have happened in my sleep, because I awoke understanding the thread that runs through all the men that I have dated.

    I chose them unconsciously, not aware of how they each portrayed this one personality trait that I now realize is absolutely critical for me to have in a man.

    And one-by-one, I could see how they didn’t have it to give to me.

    I’ve always said this “one thing” is something I’d like to have in a man, but now I understand it is critical, and is something that I’ve wanted since I was a little girl.

    I’m not sure what to do with it now that I understand very clearly what I need and what I’m looking for – but it sure feels good to know that I can define exactly what I need!!

    …and all this time, I always thought that the guys I dated were very different – one from the other. Nope.

    Interestingly, the only ex that I couldn’t define as “falling short” in this area is #1CD. hmmmmmm



  46.  #46Siena on November 22, 2010 at 3:14 pm

    Jeannette #41 how would it feel to say something like, “Baby, I feel weird because of our conversation today. It sounded like you were saying that I should find someone else to take care of me – meaning not you. I feel so good with you, and want to always keep communicating, so that’s why I’m bringing this up. What do you think?”

    Basically… guessing what he’s thinking or feeling is a recipe for disaster. Ask him! (using feeling messages of course)



  47.  #47Daria on November 22, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    Siena – what is that quality?



  48.  #48Meemee on November 22, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    Simply Shannon, Brenda, Daria,Lorelei, SLV and Sia,
    Thanks for your comments. Since I was having this rather long conversation with X, I could not reply. I am reading your posts again and again- they help me- becasue the physical closeness and the conversation with X had made me feel slightly vulnerable and I do not want to be swayed with emotions and hormons now.
    I want to think and feel with clarity.

    I would really love to know what you think after reading my looooooooooong conversation with X in the light of what we were discussing.

    Daria, I really really want to know what you think about it. Your post on attraction and feelings were wonderful- but since two words kept coming in X’s last conversation- SEXUAL ATTRACTION and SECRECY- I would like to know what you think about it.

    Meemee



  49.  #49Jeannette on November 22, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    Senior Lady Vibe, I know it’s true, that my man needs to take care of himself. I just hope he’s not deciding to let me go so I can find someone who can take care of me. I guess I shouldn’t worry so much, he just knows he doesn’t have any money, per say, and that I work all the time, two jobs. It is a bit frustrating to me. Life just isn’t easy at times.



  50.  #50Daria on November 22, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    Whoa is this man really saying all that to Meemee? He sounds fuc’kin awesome! I’m only halfway reading tho.

    He says paraphrase – like rori – there’s the feeling then how you act about the feeling.

    The actions disturb me so much that I cannot act to soothe the original feeling woweowow

    I feel Shocked that he’s aware of this I am like gearing Geary eyes of excitement and amazement



  51.  #51Siena on November 22, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    Daria,

    I feel weird saying it, but I will be bold anyway…

    I need a man who is the dominant partner in the relationship. I really feel good when he’s “in charge” of the relationship, and all I need to do is follow his lead. This makes me feel safe, and allows me the space to open up my heart and feel – rather than think – my way through the relationship.

    In the past, this has gone into some — umm — alternative places for me, and I felt unreconciled with that. So I would flip back and forth between something alternative and then something straight-laced. I don’t want either extreme, and feel good right in the middle.

    But even the straighlaced ones eventually ended because this need in me wasn’t being fulfilled. I always thought it was some other reason, but when I look back at it, I see it very clearly.

    So I’m able to look at it with new eyes now! I don’t want the extreme way of doing relationship, but I’m sure that if this is a desire of mine, there is a way to “do” relationship that incorporates the qualities of dominance and alpha male without it feeling weird or lessening my godessness…

    I have no idea ‘how’ to do that – I just know what I need! (And it feels good to know!)



  52.  #52Daria on November 22, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    “X: I like that phrase: care of self
    taking care of yourself”



  53.  #53Daria on November 22, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    Rock on Siena – I am with that too.. I do believe I can bring it out in a man by boundaries and softness and Honesty



  54.  #54tinque on November 22, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    “I really feel good when he’s “in charge” of the relationship, and all I need to do is follow his lead.”

    Siena – This is awesome. What an amazing thing to want in your man, and you can have this.
    xxoo



  55.  #55Senior Lady Vibe on November 22, 2010 at 3:30 pm

    @36: Mercedes says:

    “..Meemee: For me, this would be enough to walk away:
    ‘X: yes baby. but what will do with a man who will not marry you?
    Who will insist on a secret relationship?…’
    …Where you see sweet words from him, I see bottom line…no marriage and a secret affair. Everything else in my mind is him saying “blah blah blah blah”…nothing matters except he isn’t offering you anything you want. I pray for strength for you.
    Much Love,
    Mercedes …”

    This is what I see too. In addition he has expressed that he doesn’t believe the expression of your feeling is entirely genuine and he has offered you sex on Thursday. Meemee, I hope for your sake he doesn’t believe he can force you to have sex with him.

    Be strong, and focus on the relationship you want. If you want to walk hand in hand in the light of day with a man and then marry him, this is not the man; he has said so.

    Who knows, maybe he’ll change tomorrow, maybe he’ll change next year. I see he hasn’t changed now.

    SLV



  56.  #56Daria on November 22, 2010 at 3:30 pm

    X: not now baby
    now i only have your body and your face in my sight.
    now i only have the asymmetrical curve of your hairline on both sides of your forehead in my sight
    and your slender waist curving into a mermaid shaped hip
    and the tingling fragrance of your perfume “chastity ”

    me: But now if I have to do it, i will have to feel safe. and I do not feel safe X

    X: hmmmmm
    i understand it sweetie
    let me try and work it out
    let me work the ice out

    Wowie. Stepping up like a champ here!



  57.  #57Lorelei on November 22, 2010 at 3:32 pm

    Meemee @ 31 – thanks for sharing the conversation. You express beautiful feminine words, as the others are also saying. X is using lot s of words to say he wants to have sex with you, not a relationship, and he wants to keep you a secret still. I do not feel convinced that some ‘words/talking/conversation’ on Thursday are really what he has in mind. . . sorry, but I just can’t believe it at the moment.



  58.  #58tinque on November 22, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    This is how my relationship is with K, but know that it’s not that I don’t have a say or that he doesn’t care how I feel or what I want.

    It helps that he knows me so well that he has a very good idea about what would make me feel good, but if there is ever doubt, he will ask/consult.

    It also doesn’t mean my suggestions or input is not important. All of me is.

    This makes for a lovely masculine/feminine energy interchange. Feeling looked after, taken care of, yet I can be authentically me in each and every moment.

    Am I making sense? I’m so tired from the move I can barely think.

    xxoo



  59.  #59Daria on November 22, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    X: i guess i am never a man in any relationship
    and that causes probelms too
    apart from shouting and screaming i hardly do any manly things

    Yup here comes out his insecurities! Good !

    I think the clearest thing to do is set a boundary of no secrecy if he wants to date you

    Then he’ll either step up and heal himself and be a better man… Or he will keep stuck but you will be moved on and better



  60.  #60Siena on November 22, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    yay Daria!

    “I do believe I can bring it out in a man by boundaries and softness and Honesty”

    Yes, I believe that too… to a certain extent. But I haven’t ever been able to bring it out to the level that I want (or need) it to be.

    The only one that had it naturally at the level that I need it – and without being in the ‘extreme’ camp – was #1CD. I thought I was attracted to him for other reasons, but when I really look at it, this one thing was the thing that clicked in my heart with him.

    To be honest, I’ve had to learn how to be the type of woman who allows that into my life, too. It’s not easy giving up all relationship management to a man!!



  61.  #61PassionatelyPisces on November 22, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    Jeannette,

    I don’t know your situation real well, but it sounds like he’s considering the possibility that it may need to be someone else. If he doesn’t know his prognosis or what the future will bring, at least he is operating under a rational thought process.

    Maybe he needs to be honest when you speak directly about it–yet chooses not to carry the conversation further because he needs you right now and doesn’t want to chance loosing you.

    I have always been the ‘caretaker/nurterer’ in all three of my relationships. With that—and after being a mom for 30+ years I can relate to your feeling overwhelmed and the desire/need to be taken care of—instead of the other way around. (It’s something I definitley WANT when I meet Mr. Right.)

    I don’t have any good suggestions about what to say to him, but it sounds like you need to/want to explore this more with him. I’m fumbling here…but I might say something like, “I’m feeling unsure about our conversation earlier…the way it was left kind of hanging there.”

    And then if he asks you about it, maybe you could ask him what he meant by, “I hope so.”

    I’m thinking he could have meant one of two things: one–he hopes you will stay together so he CAN take care of you. Or…he hopes he will make it through this illness, etc. (I know, I know. I shouldn’t be trying to analyze his comments—just thinking out loud again.)

    It’s possible that because he is ill right now that he’s not ‘truly’ available for a healthy relationship–and perhaps, he is not really able to make promises, reassure you, etc. What kind of cancer does he have? Are there other serious health concerns in addition to the cancer diagnosis? I’ve added you both to my prayer list.

    Are you having doubts about spending your ‘happily ever after’ doing all the caretaking? In all honesty, I would be thinking about it. I might be thinking that I could be there for him NOW, but might not be able to handle the idea of a lifetime committment, knowing I would, most likely, never be on the recieving end. No blame here. No judging. Just the facts and what would be going through my mind if it were me. I think these kind of thoughts would be considered pretty normal under the circumstances, so don’t beat yourself up inside if you’re feeling guilty when you work through these feelings. It’s the only way <3

    SLV,

    Yes…I guess I'm 'scouting' also—sounds better than 'lurking' heh heh heh… 😉

    I'm not really ready to get the ball rolling either. But when I get really down and feeling hopeless, it helps me to go and look around and check out those sites to remind me that there IS a life out there for me, as soon as I'm ready for it.

    I totally know why I haven't attracted anyone yet. As lonley as I get sometimes, I'm just not truly ready for another person in my life. I have too much "inside work" to do—–AND I'm really enjoying my 'freedom' to just "be" and not have to answer to anyone or worry about making someone feel bad, or yada, yada, yada… I like not having any pressure and just going along at my own snail's pace.

    I'm going to look for that post you mentioned…thanks for the feedback.

    Also…thank you, lola for the information about the vedic astrology. Sounds fun!



  62.  #62Daria on November 22, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    Loooool!

    X: i guess i am never a man in any relationship
    and that causes probelms too
    apart from shouting and screaming i hardly do any manly things

    What a man way to look at things! Hahaha



  63.  #63PassionatelyPisces on November 22, 2010 at 3:35 pm

    Is there a ‘search’ feature on this site? It would really be helpful when looking for old threads or past letters from Rori…



  64.  #64Daria on November 22, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    Siena – I think when we are brave enough to really be honest: this turns me off… This drains me…

    Men have no choice but to bring it out in themselves



  65.  #65Senior Lady Vibe on November 22, 2010 at 3:37 pm

    @47
    47: Jeannette says:

    “It is a bit frustrating to me. Life just isn’t easy at times.”

    I bet it’s frustrating for him too. How about you give the two of you the gift of sweetness, not nag at him, do a little sweet something-something for both of you. It can be something little, just for the both of you.

    My two cents.

    SLV



  66.  #66Siena on November 22, 2010 at 3:38 pm

    Tinque, it makes perfect sense!

    I always thought this was a “nice to have” in a relationship – like, “oh, wouldn’t it be nice if he did xyz.”

    But now I know that I won’t be happy without it.

    Yay for your move!!



  67.  #67Meemee on November 22, 2010 at 3:40 pm

    Lorelei and SLV,
    Thanks for your quick response.
    I am feeling shaky and tearful now. So I am reading and rereading the posts.
    Its 5 am here and I am not getting sleep.
    I feel safe here. on this siren island.
    Meemee



  68.  #68tinque on November 22, 2010 at 3:42 pm

    Yes I hear you Siena. In my last relationship, I had to take care of EVERYTHING. It was exhausting, draining, and at the end of the day I felt so NOT who I am at heart. It felt like there were jagged pieces sticking me everywhere, and it felt like they were sticking others too. It goes against who we are as feminine energy women. You will feel out of sorts all the time at best.
    xxoo



  69.  #69Siena on November 22, 2010 at 3:43 pm

    Daria, yes… I hear what you are saying.

    But my personality is that I like it when my man requires certain things of me, and HE has boundaries as well.

    For instance – if I ever disrespect him, I like it when my man says something like, “that’s enough… I won’t be disrespected by you!”

    I’ve tested so many men in this way just to see if they’ll stand up to me. Some have, most have retreated.

    There’s no violence or anything like that in here – I just mean when he is strong enough so that I can feel totally safe… and that he doesn’t budge when I test my boundaries.



  70.  #70Daria on November 22, 2010 at 3:44 pm

    Meemee – you’re doing great. Just keep consistent on the no secrecy.

    In fact, I wouldn’t meet with him in secrecy.

    Keep it simple like… I’m not interested in dating a mam in secret.

    And just repeat that as necessary.

    He is really into you and a very perceptive man who is sensible to a woman’s desires.

    He just needs a strong woman to hold her boundaries so he feel safe and step into his man self.

    ( notice he says he doesn’t act like a man – this shames him – he doesn’t want this – he wants to heal this )

    Simply font allow any feel bad behaviour.

    And speak feelings clearly and simply – awesome job here! Instead if the previous acting weird coverups he noticed.

    He will match your level of self care. He seems ready.

    You can do this!

    Brava to both



  71.  #71Siena on November 22, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    “like there were jagged pieces sticking me everywhere”

    YES! Totally! Because feminine is soft and juicy… not jagged. I totally feel the same way with the wrong guy.



  72.  #72Meemee on November 22, 2010 at 3:46 pm

    Daria,
    He is damn intelligent. That was something I was always drawn to.
    He says things with intensity too. I always liked it.
    But in todays conversation he was stepping up and up and then at one point- making it a public date- he stopped.
    That was the bottom line.
    Secrecy.
    That word makes me feel angry.
    That word makes me feel cry.
    We hardly know each other Daria. But I hope you will understand me when I say that my eyes welled up when after all the promises he made, when he uttered that million dollar word “secrecy”.
    Even at the age of 27 I act like a kid who feels happy when she sees a butterfly and cries when she sees if flying away.
    Love
    Meemee



  73.  #73Senior Lady Vibe on November 22, 2010 at 3:47 pm


  74.  #74Daria on November 22, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    Siena – yes, but anyone can sometime fail a test.

    It takes huge courage on my part to say:

    I was testing you , I feel uncomfortable and Turned off and unsafe that this was the behavior response. I don’t want this. I feel safe when I can trust that I won’t feel like I’m not able to trust to lean on you.

    It also takes huge courage to trust instead of test.

    Babysteps for me on this too… Babysteps



  75.  #75Daria on November 22, 2010 at 3:53 pm

    Meemee – a woman always feels deeply … Crying at a butterfly is a gift. I am 28.

    Yes, that must have felt like awful , for me heartbreak heavy heart feeling and numbness.

    I would suggest next time:

    This feels horrible. It feels like my heart is breaking and I feel furious and even more crushed and helpless.

    I hate this and I do not want it in my life.

    I will absolutely Not tolerate being a secret.

    And I feel very angry even being proposed this.



  76.  #76Daria on November 22, 2010 at 3:55 pm

    Meemee – you hold your boundary. You will not only heal yourself ( you are well on you way now I feel safe about this )

    But you will do this man the Hubert favor in the world.

    He needs a woman to hold that boundary and show him something to be a man for.



  77.  #77Meemee on November 22, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    Daria
    If I were there I would have hugged and cried and told you this: He will not make it public. He will not do it. He will just show me sudden outbursts of affection and then withdraw. I see the end Daria. I feel the end of this tether.
    This might be my fear.
    But why do I feel this so strongly? So strongly that my mouth dry when I think of it?
    I dont know if you missed that line where he said “Mee, wouldnt it hurt you enormously if I turned out to be interested in sex only?”
    Meemee



  78.  #78sia on November 22, 2010 at 3:58 pm

    siena, i want an alpha male too. I do the testing too. I was aware of it always, but only understood it after I read david deida.
    I feel doubtful as to whether I can bring ‘alpha’ out in a man with my behaviour.
    No amount of cherishing and adoring in the past with one guy persuaded me that i am beautiful and good enough for him. The weakness of my inner self was stronger.
    I read a lot of pua materials and the good ones are trying to teach a man to find their inner man. I wonder how it was in the past, when women were considered ‘less than’ and men were the kings – whether the dynamics between sexes was any better, in one particular aspect, the physical attraction.



  79.  #79Lorelei on November 22, 2010 at 3:58 pm

    Jeanette @41 – when your fiance said “I hope so” – that he hopes he is the one to take care of you . . . I hear him saying that he hopes he survives his chemo, and he hopes he survives his cancer, that he hopes he stays alive to take care of you.

    It might, just might, also be a hint that he is afraid that he might die . . . . . but if so, this is a hard conversation to have with anyone. I sense from your response that perhaps you feel he wants to distance himself from you?? It may just be that he is overwhelmed at the moment just with enduring the effects or the after-effects of the treatment. . . . trying to force him to clarify, he may feel pressurised and not ready or able to clarify, or too ill to clarify . .



  80.  #80AmberS on November 22, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    I just read this in the Inner Bonding book & wanted to share it:

    Personal Power and Softness

    Softness is the energy of warmth, tenderness, love and power that emanates from people when they are in their higher selves. At this moment they know and love themselves, do not shame or violate themselves and others, do not seek approval nor fear disapproval, are not self conscious, and do not take personally others’ criticism, anger or rejection. Soft energy radiates from personal power, for when people know who they are, what they want, and how they feel, and they know they have the right to want what they want and feel what they feel, then they can not be dominated, controlled or emotionally hurt by others. When we are in this state of owning our personal power we are beyond weakness, and beyond violence of any kind. We can afford to be soft because we know we are not weak. Being in this state is an ideal, something we can all strive to be in more of the time…



  81.  #81Daria on November 22, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    Meemee – cool. Let go of it. That will help you.

    As for him, don’t worry what he says… He has to let go of his own tether… On his own time



  82.  #82Meemee on November 22, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    Daria
    Also, he mentioned a dozen times in the conversation that he wants my body. He is sexually attracted. I edited out bits from that because it was so overtly sexual 🙂 🙂
    Isnt he simply being nice to get me into bed?
    He has a Thursday off and free. What if he is only trying to fix me for that?
    He said so many nice things, true. But my thoughts are clouded because what really hit me was the last part where he took absolute control and power and said it is going to be a secret affair.

    Meemee



  83.  #83Daria on November 22, 2010 at 4:12 pm

    I’m the past past women were not less than. They were Goddesses. They still are.

    Every man has man inside him.

    Not Everyman is in touch with it. The ones who are seek feminine softness.

    The ultra feminine woman brings out the man in Everyman.

    She will not get pulled off her femininity.

    This is what I see rori teaching u’s. How to inspire a man any man to Be a man.

    How to be a goddess.



  84.  #84Daria on November 22, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    Meemee – he didn’t take poer. He asked you how you’d feel.

    He’s not being nice or not – he’s being Honest.

    Now you must be strong. There’s nothing more to talk about. YOU initiated talking Thursday. He wants to have sex.

    Cancel Thursday and hold on to boundary of no dates in secrecy.

    He will continue testing u as per this convo.

    Be honest and clear as you have been. Express when something feels good, and when something feels bad. Accept no dates in secrecy.

    If u expressed bad feeling, and he responds with mire bad feeling stuff ( didn’t happen here). End the convo.

    Some time, later after he gives up in this and sees your boundary is TRUE

    He will do his best to step up.



  85.  #85Daria on November 22, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    Jeannette – I really like what Siena suggested to tell him.

    While I think that indeed it’s insecurity that would make u think he’s moving away… That’s ok.

    It’s ok to feel insecure and I think Suenas words captured that in a loving way that is honest and open



  86.  #86Siena on November 22, 2010 at 4:31 pm

    Sia – “. The weakness of my inner self was stronger.”

    Yep, totally! Me too!

    And therein lies the challenge. It’s not so much about attracting a guy – that’s kind of easy, isn’t it?

    It’s about becoming the woman who I have to be in order to be able to attract a man who will really do it for me.

    Some days that feels impossible.



  87.  #87Jeannette on November 22, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    Thanks Daria, Lorelei, SLV and Passionately Pisces…..did I leave anyone out? I thank you for adding him to your prayer list. Steve has liver cancer, he is also diabetic, and has a number of other health issues….this is total love on my part, no judgment…I just love him but I must let this one play out. I have no idea of course what the outcome. He’s the one who was my childhood sweetheart and we found one another again years later. I am just going to be loving and kind…..to him AND to me…..you guys are wonderful….



  88.  #88PassionatelyPisces on November 22, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    I know this is a stupid/silly question, but here goes…

    On Match.com—if you don’t have your profile filled out (100%) is it still visible? (I don’t want it to be visible until I’m done with it–or whenever I decide to)

    It’s only 20% so far, but I’m getting e-mail with potential ‘matches’ and it says along the top of the page (at match, not my e-mail page) that “No one can find you until you finish your profile. Complete yours now” (to me, that suggests it is not visible)

    but I’m confused…..

    Peace…



  89.  #89PassionatelyPisces on November 22, 2010 at 5:47 pm

    And thanks for the link…I found it in the ‘dating’ category list on the right. Very interesting and she covered all the bases of OkCupid. I didn’t even know about that site. 🙂

    Peace…



  90.  #90Darling Ella on November 22, 2010 at 6:05 pm

    Meemee:

    Gosh, I feel sad hearing about u story…and I leaved it as well 🙁 Please, from the bottom of my heart try to find a book titled ” Disarming the Narcissist” by Wendy T. Behary, LCSW.

    To me is the best so far…(I read quite a few) 🙂

    Warm hugs 🙂



  91.  #91Mercedes on November 22, 2010 at 7:11 pm

    Daria: I just want to say I think you are amazing. I know you are a little bit wary when I compliment you but this is from my heart. You practice and work more than anyone I know…you give great advice and I really do think you are a wonderful person with a great heart.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  92.  #92Callista on November 22, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    Sirens,
    Sorry – off topic – but I was hoping someone could give me a quick tip here… there is one guy who I talk to who always asks me how my love life is going. I have no idea how to respond. Does anyone else get this question and how do you respond? Really, there’s not that much happening right now but I don’t want to admit that!! Do I just say how uncomfortable/embarrassed that question makes me feel? What if he presses me for details? Thank you in advance 🙂



  93.  #93Brenda on November 22, 2010 at 7:39 pm

    Meemee,

    Thanks for sharing! You come across as shy, and the conversation reads like a romance novel!

    It sounds like he is trying. If I were you, the deal breaker would be secrecy. Do you know WHY he is keeping your relationship secret?

    I would tell him either you tell all your friends, family, and work associates that I am your lady or I don’t want any kind of relationship with you. If he agrees, you would have an easy job of being sure he kept his end of the agreement: if you just casually talked with people you both know about you and him, you would know instantly if he really told them.

    What really matters here tho is how you feel about him after all that. Overnight your feelings should be more clear.

    If he won’t bring it out of hiding, then I would end it. But of course it is totally up to you.



  94.  #94Brenda on November 22, 2010 at 7:40 pm

    Daria,

    RE: #89 – I feel the same way about you as Mercedes. I have learned so much from you, and I appreciate the time you have taken to help me with my situation with Ryan!

    Love,
    Brenda



  95.  #95Brenda on November 22, 2010 at 7:43 pm

    Jeannette,

    For liver cancer, google “colloidal silver”. There is a website with testimonials of people with liver problems who have been HEALED, despite the medical community saying it is incurable! Fruits and veggies help tremendously too, cleansing the body from the inside out, at the cell level. See “Living Health” by Harvey and Marilyn Diamond.



  96.  #96Brenda on November 22, 2010 at 7:46 pm

    Meemee,

    What would he say if you told him you were going to tell everyone you both know that you have a relationship with him?



  97.  #97Meemee on November 22, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    re:91
    Brenda
    Thanks for your comment.
    Yeah, secrecy!!!!
    But he already told me he wants this secret.
    I too alreay told him i cant take it.
    but he only said “we will carry the conversation forward to tomorrow” and he wants to meet “thursday” for sex.
    hmmmm.
    How do I tell someone clearly that I dont want secrecy??? Any suggestion?
    Meemee



  98.  #98Meemee on November 22, 2010 at 7:54 pm

    Brenda re:94
    The moment I say “I am gonna tell this to everyone”, he would say “This is over. You are asking too much”. I have been there before.
    If I know this guy, it is very simple and clear.
    Meemee



  99.  #99Meemee on November 22, 2010 at 7:58 pm

    Sirens
    Need a little help here.
    I am heading to office. He will surely come to fix the Thursday meeting.
    I want to prepare a speech. If I go unprepared I will mess it up. I want to be so familiar with the words that even if I see a ghost I should be able to reproduce the words without fear.
    Need inputs.
    Meemee



  100.  #100Simply Shannon on November 22, 2010 at 8:16 pm

    MEEMEE, I just read your conversation and all I can say is I feel jealous and so proud! Wow. That convo felt GREAT to read. I’m imagining you feel somewhat conflicted right now. Maybe feeling turned on by what he said and yet wanting to say “NO” because of the secrecy issue. He’s testing your boundary. Now you have to decide if it’s really a boundary. If yes, then no dates in secrecy. Period. Totally on board with everything Daria has said here. You did FANTASTIC. I’m taking notes. FANTASTIC. 🙂

    Siena: Holy flapjacks girl! Synchronicity! I just talked to my girlfriend yesterday about wanting a man who can stand up to me. Cuz let’s face it, any man weaker than me… I’m going to steam roll that fool. I want a dominant man too!

    We’ve been talking about submitting to our husbands in my bible study group. The word submission used to make my skin crawl, but just yesterday it all clicked for me. Here’s what I wrote to that same girlfriend late last night…

    Let a man lead but only agree to do what feels good to you. Letting a man decide something when you know it feels bad is like allowing your boss to make a horrible decision which will ultimately bankrupt the company.

    And just like that I understand submission. It’s not letting a man steam roll me with his decisions but giving him my thoughts/feelings/opinions and then letting him decide. The result of that choice is on HIS head, not mine. What a relief!

    I wonder what dominant man will show up to prove this point to me. I say bring it on!



  101.  #101Simply Shannon on November 22, 2010 at 8:21 pm

    Meemee, I would literally say “I don’t want secrecy.” or “I don’t want sex or dates with someone in secret.” “I don’t want to hide who I’m dating or sleeping with.”

    Beyond that, there is nothing left to say. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

    Then if he pushes still, No, I feel annoyed and bored with this conversation. Goodbye.



  102.  #102Rosa on November 22, 2010 at 8:23 pm

    Hi Babes and Sirens,

    I am BACK .
    I am now officially cancer free, I have a gorgeous new Girl (bigger and bolder, match up comes later 🙂 ) AND a tummy tuck …amazing!~!!!!!!!!

    I am bigger and smaller in all the right places.
    Thanks SO much for all the hugs and encouragement here before surgery (9 hours mastectomy and reconstruction DIEP flap- fully crative accortding to final path report from oncology surgeon.)

    So much interesting here i see.



  103.  #103Siena on November 22, 2010 at 8:26 pm

    SS, LOL about “holy flapjacks”. Hilarious!

    Yes, I meant submission, but it’s so often a misunderstood word that I shy away from it.

    I’ve always wanted it – and even in my youngest dating years, tried it on for size. I was so young then that I equated it with “weak” ( which it totally isn’t).

    That didn’t feel good, so I flipped to the other extreme – “strong” masculine.

    That didn’t feel good, and so now I’ve settled somewhere in the middle.

    Like you, I can’t wait (yay!) to see the man who’s on his way. Just the other day, I felt – maybe for the first time in my entire life – that him finding me is inevitable and real.

    What a strange, wild ride it’s been!!



  104.  #104The Nikita Show on November 22, 2010 at 8:27 pm

    Rosa!

    Yay!! Celebration!!!



  105.  #105Meemee on November 22, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    Rosa Rosa Rosa
    Welcome back. Hugs and kisses.
    Welcome back. I am literally dancing and jumping!!!!
    Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa
    Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa RosaRosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa Rosa
    Rosaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
    Muaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
    Meemee



  106.  #106Siena on November 22, 2010 at 8:32 pm

    Rosa, wonderful!! Welcome back!



  107.  #107Simply Shannon on November 22, 2010 at 8:35 pm

    Hooray Rosa!!! I’ve been wondering about you! Woohoo!!

    Siena, that is too funny! Submission has been one of topics of our church services for a few weeks as well as a hot topic in my all female bible group. This literally clicked for me last night. Now I know I want a dominant man who can match my strength. I’m done with this playing small crap. I actually believe that being able to respect a man and expect him to lead will heal a man and make him truly dominant. I believe *I* have been holding the reigns which keep this from occurring. Not that I need to fix him but that we will grow together as I learn to submit. Gonna be an interesting ride. Kind of scared just this second. Hmmm… NVs here’s a cookie. Now just to meet my match. Now that’s an interesting choice of words. Off to check online…



  108.  #108Simply Shannon on November 22, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    Oh and Siena, I just noticed that Mr. Fab Kisser joined one of my meetup groups. His description said something about him being Captain Mediocre. My brain quite literally said NEXT. I even made up a little song about why I keep choosing to punish myself by checking on him. I felt myself pulled down by his words. Ick. Yep. NEXT. He’s finally off my horse. Yeah! More room for Mr. Dominant Man.



  109.  #109Rosa on November 22, 2010 at 8:46 pm

    So SS and Brenda, yes i agree people can change on a dime. I may just be seeing signs of it in the 5 year imaginary man, who came to see me in hospital yesterday .But definitely I see it in myself ..tee hee.. He has a “girlfriend” in Sydney while living in Auckland himself-sees her every few weeks , tried to keep seeing me and offering crumbs… typical unavailable behaviour. I refused to meet up with him for months once I knew his situation, I closed off my heart completely . But the cancer has opened it. Now he wants to come and care for me for a few days at my house in the country etc etc.

    He remains , by definition , unavailable , to ANYONE , but hes funny , great domestically and a wonderful friend so i may just agree. I am going to be weeks recovering and no lifting ANYTHING for 3 to 6 months.It will depend how I feel and if it will benefit ME.

    The difference is , I AM THE ONE who has changed. I am in my Siren power as a FRIEND- no benefits possible. And he doesnt know what to do except come closer. I opened my heart and let him approach , I told him how sad I felt about the effect of my illness on hoping to find a good man,dating online etc, because i was confident i was not giving my heart away again to him , i let myself cry (3 tears). THAT is the difference. Lots of feeling messages. Honest feelings. His response is to try and see more of me.

    So now he will have to explain all that to his “girlfriend” which may prove interesting but is not my problem. They are NOT engaged (i checked) so i am happy just remaining open. If he approaches I will try and remain totally in my feelings and of course , NO SEX…

    which leaves me pondering Mee mees situation.

    AND I have plans to stay with friends on their farm , then to swim in Hawaii with the dolphins again with my US friend (Daria you like her hypnosis) and lots more before I go back to work.
    I am excited.

    Its a NEW DAY.
    I am still a SIREN but am joining Major Goddess league.

    I am no longer reacting to this man from a weak point of pain or patterning, only choosing my actions from a calm point on my dime..

    I have seized the reins and I am riding on and he is clearly in danger of falling off the back so is



  110.  #110Siena on November 22, 2010 at 8:47 pm

    SS, “as I learn to submit”

    My guess is that he will be learning too, and that you’ll figure it out together.

    This (and other things) is the thing that “fit” with me and #1CD, although I wasn’t totally aware of it at that time.

    I just knew that he was the first man I had dated in a while who I had no question at all about his sexual preference. He was naturally dominant (altho not domineering). And it had nothing to do with sex.

    Other men I dated were “dominant” but were actually fem energy men who compensated by acting dominant I probably met them because like attracts like and I was figuring it out in my own life.

    I feel amazed at this new revelation!



  111.  #111Siena on November 22, 2010 at 8:51 pm

    SS #106, you go girl!! He gets no more of your energy!

    Re #107 – as I read, “people can change on a dime,” the tv announcer in the background spoke those exact words, so that as I read it, I heard it too. Spooky!

    It’s just Synchronicity, confirming that this convo is on the right track!!



  112.  #112Daria on November 22, 2010 at 9:03 pm

    Thank you Mercedes :). That feels great to read. I feel really seen here.



  113.  #113Daria on November 22, 2010 at 9:03 pm

    Thank you Brenda 🙂



  114.  #114Rosa on November 22, 2010 at 9:06 pm

    OOps.

    Meemee what a rave …!!!!!!!!!!! Loved all the Rosa’s 🙂
    Thanks gals from me and the new Girl ! (Shes real cute and shes ALL me )

    Now Submissive Siena ..what a hot topic.

    I have decided that being a strong decisive and powerful alpha woman in work , i respond best to a stronger alpha male ..The unavailable one is just such
    a guy..hot as hell..:0 I loved that he got that , really understood it and we played it between us. That was the compromise ..sex was the area where he really got to be MAN , and I got to be ahem..receptive.This never crossed into truly alternate lifestyle stuff. I think do what balances the REST of the relationship.

    Now Meemee ..X is smooth , really smooth like hot molten toffee..maybe good when you are in your full power. You are still trying on power shoes. I love that !!You have L Plate Goddess Power Shoes, so keep the distance happening and DATE someone else a little , anyone else , (I am flirting with the guy across the hall who had a urethral reconstruction for F’s sake 🙂 )

    If X approaches you may not yet be ready to open your heart and dance in your Power Shoes. I think this is the key here. When you are ready you will quit all the silences and speak softly from your heart (which of course may be “GET THE F OUTTA HERE !”) and follow it with CONGRUENT , actions repeatedly.

    In fact you will do the “cracked record” – as someone else wrote, ie keep repeating same statement in same way , average is 3 repetitions for extinction of response. He will get tired and go think of something else. Meanwhile acknowledging sexual needs is fine, to yourself , or here, but not to him because thats the secret male power zone , where once he gets the sex going, you lose your power..hormonally , and orgasms are like SUPERGLUE , sticking you onto him ..(even if its just in fantasy) so you open up for more and more sex , and the whoile cake needs to be on the table first..

    Excuse my Mumma tone today , I sound very bossy !!!



  115.  #115Rosa on November 22, 2010 at 9:11 pm

    Daria, I like your opinions, I like how flexible your thinking can be , thats such a great asset.



  116.  #116The Nikita Show on November 22, 2010 at 9:24 pm

    SS,

    That is why the man is the head* and

    The woman is the Heart* in

    The biblical relationship-

    Heart=feelings

    Head=thinking

    🙂

    mwuah!



  117.  #117Simply Shannon on November 22, 2010 at 9:28 pm

    Siena, it just clicked with me what you were mentioning above. Yes, I want a man who is dominant in every aspect of my life. Hehe. I feel embarrassed. Duh. :blush:

    The only man who felt dominant to me (truly dominant and not just domineering – hello Mr. Manly Man) was A. He didn’t take my sh*t but he was not dominant in the bedroom.

    So yes, I want a man who leads/is dominant in EVERY aspect of my life. Clarity feels important when sending out vibes to the universe. 😉



  118.  #118Rosa on November 22, 2010 at 9:28 pm

    Mee mee as to your question about telling someone directly you dont want secrecy…

    Well now , is secrecy a cultural left over in India in dating relationships ?
    And really , i recognise myself here so much , until a few months ago , just so hormonally addicted that it undermined my attempts to break away.

    Maybe try something like this.? Speak his language.

    “Thank you for asking to meet..
    However I dont feel excited by secrecy.
    In fact sexually I feel icy cold when I am not in a real full and open relationship.
    Secrecy is a big turn off.

    I accept that for reasons of your own you dont want a real relationship with me. That feels ok with me.

    I feel a similar lack of desire for secret sex with you.
    I do not want to be friends with benefits.
    I do not want to be a side dish.

    I want to date and meet the man who will make me the full cordon bleu meal , his special Goddess .
    I hear that you are not ready for this .
    That feels settled now.

    Goodbye



  119.  #119Simply Shannon on November 22, 2010 at 9:29 pm

    Nikita, I totally get this now. And right back at ya babe! 😉



  120.  #120Holly on November 22, 2010 at 9:36 pm

    I haven’t read this blog yet, but I was advised to post my situation on here after apparently falling through the cracks on another blog. I’ll try and summarize as best as I can.

    I’ve been talking with a man for about a month that I met through mutual friends on Facebook. I’ll call him C. He’s everything I’m looking for in a mate, plus there’s mutual chemistry and attraction.

    We talked (via email and text) pretty heavily for a week; things we had in common and were passionate about, things that were going in on our lives, flirting of course, but even some venting and support about current frustrations, strange as that may sound; and it felt very genuine. All of this may sound really fast, but surprisingly it didn’t feel that way, it felt right. At the same time, I was prepared to communicate to him that I wanted to take things slow, once we met in person. And I was eager to meet him to do this, and to see if the chemistry and attraction translated in person.

    So after that first week, he asked me out, and I accepted. I was surprised he asked me out at that time because he was about to go out of town, I figured he’d wait until he got back. He had also been flirting with a cold, and I told him some bad stuff was going around but he didn’t take it seriously. So anyway, this sickness apparently got worse, and the day of the date, he asked for a raincheck for after he returned from his trip, and he felt really bad but said we’d get together when he got back. So we continued to talk as normal that day and into the next day, and then I asked him if he’d like to call me sometime (through my experience on a dating website, I learned that many men are so afraid/nervous to talk on the phone, I thought this would be encouraging for him; I now see what a mistake that was). I suddenly stopped hearing from him. I waited a day or so, then I dropped him a quick line, hey I assume you’ve left for your trip, hope you have a good time. He wrote me back a day or two later saying yeah, he’d left, he’s been nonstop on the trip and didn’t have phone service where he was at, and he talked about the trip briefly. I was also learning at the time how men just tyically aren’t multitaskers, and all the knowledgeable/married women I talked to said yeah, I’m probably not going to hear from him while he’s on his trip, I’m lucky I got that email. So I felt good that he took the time to drop me a quick line and had faith that he would be back. I was nervous, but I trusted it. I found out he was back through Facebook, and I dropped him a quick line to say hi, I’m sure you’re busy getting your stuff back together, but just wanted to say hi. I was so excited he was back. (Continual classic mistakes, I’m finding.) We chatted for a minute, he seemed really glad to hear from me, and said yeah he was trying to get everything back in order essentially and said he’d get in touch with me later. All with several smiley faces. I happened to have a free night, which is not common for me, so I thought that’s good timing, I’ll catch up on some stuff at home while I wait for his call/text so I can be available so we can reconnect. I know, another classic mistake. Did he get in touch with me? No. How I responded…

    Well first I tried to contact him (text, then Facebook) to see what was going on, not angry, just trying to clarify, did I maybe misunderstand him… nothing. Then I wrote my typical long email telling him off, then went back and reworded it so it didn’t come off as accusatory, really just wanting to clarify what’s going on. But I didn’t send it; instead I called a friend who calmed me down and encouraged me to wait and give him some time.

    Since then, I have been working really hard to put to work all of Rori’s advice and tips. The next day, he was obviously still getting caught up with Facebook (he’s a bit of an addict as I am), he posted a couple times how he was sick his entire trip, and it appears to be getting worse and he underestimated the whole thing. I didn’t comment on anything. That night, he texted me saying he was sorry, and that he had been really sick and hardly got any sleep/rest his entire trip. I empathized. I never said it was OK. But I decided to use feeling messages and said I hope you get the rest you need and feel better soon, I miss talking with you like we were. But I still didn’t hear from him.

    Every day, it’s been a struggle to not go after him, ask what’s going on, did I do something, yadda yadda yadda. But I’m working hard to ignore him and not chase him. I’ve also been circular dating in its various forms, some of which he must know about since some of it occurs on Facebook (not that I’m purposely trying to put any of it out there, but I’m also not going to hide anything).

    So after a week, I was trying to decide whether to continue ignoring him, or just give up, or send him a power speech letter. But I decided to go back to the old stand-bys and sent him a casual text, hey I’m out and about tonight, wanna meet for dinner or drinks? I thought maybe he was feeling too much pressure by the whole thing and thought something casual might lighten things up. Nothing. I know, I should have known better… live and learn.

    But then I decided to send the power speech letter. I told him how I was feeling, didn’t focus on him, focused on myself. Didn’t accuse him of anything, didn’t talk about anything else. I said I don’t want to have any pretenses but I felt we had a connection, now I feel ignored, I miss talking with you but I don’t want to chase you. And… he responded! How about that? lol However, his response was rather non-committal. I’m sorry, still getting over this sickness, didn’t mean to avoid you, I think you’re cute and I enjoyed flirting, but don’t feel what we had constituted a connection, happy holidays. So… still trying to wrap my head around his response, and the fact that he did respond. But now that I’ve sent my power speech letter and got this kind of response, I’m not sure where to go from here! I have been seeing someone else, so I guess I’ll keep focusing on that and other things in my life, but I just don’t know what to make of this guy.

    I know this is long, I apologize. I hope this doesn’t seem like no big deal to those who are dealing with more serious relationships. But I want to be successful with this and this is my first time putting this new way of dating into action. Any comments or advice would be great. Thanks.



  121.  #121Rosa on November 22, 2010 at 9:56 pm

    Hi Holly ,

    I guess this one comes under the Umbrella of imaginary relationships if you are reading the posts and blogs here.

    This was a one week cyber flirt and a date that didnt eventuate. Thats ALL , no matter if you did feel connected . Connecting is best left for real meetings with real men who are in front of you , then go easy on the gas pedal!!!

    No need to invest any part of yourself there. Sirens know that its only real when he is in front of you and stepping up , and this is a very long way from some online chat about having a date.

    This sort of thing is VERY common online , lots of “tyre kickers” . A real and genuine man will be pressing to meet you . This guy is probably responding to a perception of neediness and even desperation (which please excuse me) I do seem to “hear” in your account of this. Maybe he felt that too?

    Online is for fun and flirting but it is not the same as a meeting and it certainly does not mean either party “owes’ the other. I know its easy for us to feel that way when we are invested in it , and there is an ANTIDOTE – the take home advice is , lots of flirting , lots of meetings just as rori suggests , lots of CD’s and read everything here!



  122.  #122The Nikita Show on November 22, 2010 at 10:01 pm

    Wow,

    Tyre kickers wow, I feel awe- inspired by this analogy/metaphor .

    Wow……. 😯

    How on target does this feel?, very .

    Lol



  123.  #123janjune on November 22, 2010 at 10:01 pm

    ((hugs)) to you meemee,

    meemee, i feel worried reading the following from your convo with X:

    “X: hmmm.
    i agree there
    but deep inside you there is a clarity which is visible when you shriek and writhe in pain when i am inside you.
    i prefer to hurt you like that than to hurt you like this
    me: that is a clarity that goes away the moment you clean up after sex and leave
    and that, I afraid, is why I never got a single call from you or text from you after sex
    X: ya. That is also because we have never had time after sex. Mostly my problem. Mee, wouldnt it hurt you enormously if i turned out to be interested in sex only.”

    meemee, sex isn’t supposed to hurt and it sounds like it hurts you, really bad.
    meaning, when he said this:
    “visible when you shriek and writhe in pain when i am inside you.
    i prefer to hurt you like that…”

    would you feel comfortable to discuss with the sirens whether you feel pain when you’re having sex with X?
    i don’t want to pry, but meemee if it hurts and he knows you’re in pain, something is very very off with him…

    ((hugs))
    janjune



  124.  #124Rosa on November 22, 2010 at 10:04 pm

    Thanks Nikita, I love to imagine them tyre kicking just to see if we sqeak when the toe makes contact!!! They test us for “drama” with a well placed boot 🙂



  125.  #125The Nikita Show on November 22, 2010 at 10:07 pm

    Tire kickers….

    Wow…..I still feel awe.

    Gasp!

    This is just a great way to view a man that isn’t stepping up; a tire kicker…..wow…..I love this…..tire kicking isn’t bad, it’s not wrong….., it just isn’t enough for me…. I don’t want my tires kicked,…..you’re welcome to come back when you’re ready to buy….but I don’t want people walking around kicking the tires…… I mean, these are expensive tires and I love my carpet…lol!, ahem, I mean car, I love my car… Hehe



  126.  #126Rosa on November 22, 2010 at 10:09 pm

    I second that Janjune.
    It feels really off to me.
    It feels like he is totally mindfully “playing” Meemees hormones .
    I also feel uncomfortable with his constant references to his difficult life.
    In fact I feel uncomfortable because nothing has changed but meemee seems to be wavering towards a sexual meeting after a few cheap words from his slithery lips..:)



  127.  #127Daria on November 22, 2010 at 10:09 pm

    janjune – lots of guys say that about “hurts so good”… my guess/interpretation was that’s what he meant



  128.  #128The Nikita Show on November 22, 2010 at 10:09 pm

    Daria, Daria, Daria



  129.  #129Daria on November 22, 2010 at 10:10 pm

    Rosa – thank you… I feel curious what you noticed that you say my thinking is flexible

    (I think so too)



  130.  #130Daria on November 22, 2010 at 10:11 pm

    Nikita – POOF here i am what is ur question lovely princess



  131.  #131The Nikita Show on November 22, 2010 at 10:11 pm

    Oh ok, nevermind- I C U 🙂



  132.  #132Daria on November 22, 2010 at 10:13 pm

    YAY ROSA welcome back!



  133.  #133Holly on November 22, 2010 at 10:14 pm

    Thanks Rosa. I would say the desperation and neediness came after he began ignoring me. There was none of that leading up to that point, and he was pursuing me. But it was more than just occasional online chat; he was texting me every day, how was I doing, how was this or that going, talking about our day. It felt like girlfriend/boyfriend talk, which I tried to stay away from at first, as we were not in a relationship, but I eventually gave in a bit, but I definitely held back to a degree. The online stuff was long emails, like when you have those long talks with a person. It was all real stuff, nothing menial. But I do see what you’re saying, that it is still different from being face to face with a person.

    But beyond all that, I will take to heart that it’s not real until the person is in front of you, and everything along that line that you talked about. That’s giving me some perspective.

    And I probably seem more invested in this than I should be because I’m really trying to see what happens when I utilize this new approach. If it works out, cool; if not, then it’s a bummer but no biggie. Still trying to make sense of it all, it’ll take some time before I completely stop trying to analyze everything. 🙂

    Thanks again.



  134.  #134Daria on November 22, 2010 at 10:14 pm

    😛

    i don’t like my lamp rubbed without serious questions…

    feeling disappointed slightly

    catch me in traffic…



  135.  #135Daria on November 22, 2010 at 10:15 pm

    but glad you wanted to see me

    😛

    SQRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRET

    Daria does donut in the intersection… sips her gin and tonic and drives Corvette away from DUI class



  136.  #136Meemee on November 22, 2010 at 10:19 pm

    Rosa RE:112

    You said
    “If X approaches you may not yet be ready to open your heart and dance in your Power Shoes. I think this is the key here. When you are ready you will quit all the silences and speak softly from your heart (which of course may be “GET THE F OUTTA HERE !”)”

    This brought a smile onto my face 🙂 🙂

    You are true about the sexual feeling bit. I feel perplexed and lose perspective when I feel turned on (both emotionally and physically). Yesterday when I was talking to him I somehow want to stop the conversation in between lest I forget the boundaries. I wanted to sail to the siren island and tell you sirens all what i was feeling. :

    About the mommy tone- that was cool. As you know, at times it takes more than one mommy to bring back the perspective in you.LOL
    Hug you
    Take good rest
    Meemee



  137.  #137janjune on November 22, 2010 at 10:22 pm

    daria yes hurting so good is one thing 🙂
    and i hope that is what’s happening with meemee and X

    but something in me won’t let it go, so i got back on here to poke my nose in meemee’s business and ask!

    because the part of the convo that “grabbed” me in my stomach was
    what i copied above and how he cleans up and leaves and how they have never used words and also that X said
    “anyway, i will not remember this conversation the next time i meet you. you can remind me if you want to.

    it feels very “2-3 Minutes” to me,



  138.  #138Dorothea on November 22, 2010 at 10:22 pm

    Something shifted in my life in the last week. i’m not really sure how to explain it but everything feels much better now. i am ‘changing as a person’ through and through but that is a weird way to put it because really it is just bringing me closer to being myself and to God and love.

    i just wanted to check in and say i am doing really good here in Dorothea Land:). I was feeling horrible last week but everything feels shifted.



  139.  #139Daria on November 22, 2010 at 10:25 pm

    YAy Dorothea!



  140.  #140Meemee on November 22, 2010 at 10:27 pm

    Janjune and rosa and Daria,
    I would like to talk about this. I was feeling slightly reluctant to share that bit here.
    I need to meet one deadline.
    Are you guys online for another half an hour?
    Meemee



  141.  #141Daria on November 22, 2010 at 10:29 pm

    I actually am NOT for hurting at all anymore… That’s what I learned in my sexperimenting last year…

    That and that it doesn’t feel good when the guy is emotionally not into me and we’re not kissing’

    even if he likes me as a person and he’s gorgeous and i’m attracted

    So now when sexy CD was like

    he’s gonna “hurt” me in a good 3way….

    im; like NOOOO … i don’t want to get hurt at all…

    i want only pleasure… do you think you can provide that for me?

    hehe



  142.  #142janjune on November 22, 2010 at 10:30 pm

    hi rosa,
    glad to have you back! you and your one Girl 🙂 so happy to hear everything went well
    you sound like youre feeling goddessey and unstoppable in your Power Shoes 🙂
    I just decided i’d better set my
    Power Shoes by the door so i don’t forget to put them on from now on.

    i also loving the tyre-kicker visual… looooool
    so true of online dating… lol



  143.  #143The Nikita Show on November 22, 2010 at 10:31 pm

    Aw Daria,

    I was rubbing the lamp on behalf of Meemee and Janjune and to see if you liked this tire kicking metaphor 🙂



  144.  #144janjune on November 22, 2010 at 10:32 pm

    meemee,
    i will stay up and wait for you.
    janjune



  145.  #145Daria on November 22, 2010 at 10:34 pm


  146.  #146janjune on November 22, 2010 at 10:36 pm

    daria,
    i can see you in a Corvette!
    .
    .
    with a gin and tonic!



  147.  #147The Nikita Show on November 22, 2010 at 10:39 pm

    Lol!

    That was funny!!!

    I love comedy, it’s so truthful 😉



  148.  #148Daria on November 22, 2010 at 10:39 pm

    tire kicking triggers Daria to think of her first love boyfriend when she was 18 and they were physically fighting and then he went and cut her car tire with a knife…

    Daria ran out to beg him to get his ass inside before the neighbors called the police

    then they had to get a new tire the next day because they lived together and her car tire was their transportation



  149.  #149Plum on November 22, 2010 at 10:40 pm

    Meemee 31

    1
    ******X: first of all, I am really very sorry for keeping away. I have reasons but they are not excuses. so i will not share it with them with you. That is, it is not even important. But I agree with you that I shouldn’t have done that. However, I want you to consider for a moment my opinion that probably it was good that I kept away because otherwise with my instability of the last couple of months I would have made life difficult for both of us. Instead i chose to stay away. That is not a good enough reason. That is only a justification.  ******

    He has thought all this time that you were upset only because he vanished 2 months and did not text you.
    You had accepted his game with his rules for 3 years.
    he never lied to you, he told you he did not want a relationship, yet you accepted sex.
    He told you he wanted to keep you secret, you accepted and even helped him to keep you secret.
    He did not bother to phone you or care for you during these 3 years, you were calling him and organizing the sexual meetings yourself.
    When you don’t organize there are no such meetings as you observed during 2 months.

    Logically he thought you were ignoring him lately because he broke some rules INSIDE the game.
    He did not think it was the game itself that is killing you.
    You did not acknowledge your own pain during 3 years.
    There was no way he could acknowledge your pain before you did.
    You still have not shown your pain, he still does not know you feel so much pain.
    He can’t acknowledge it.

    2
    ******X: I also wanted to say that sometimes I feel it is our lovemaking that is ruining your health because you are not able to take it. And so I feel like staying off you lest I end up really killing you
    me: Okay. So be it then.
    X: No. it is not that I fully believe in it. These are all my confusions which make me clam up without acting. So it is not like it is really a good worked out reason I have.******

    He is referring to your physical pain that is visible when you make love. Which one?
    He is not referring to your emotional pain, he has not seen it and you have not told him.
    Remember? That day in your work room, you were struggling to resist him and your opted to keep silent and ignore him until you built more inner strength..
    You did not use feeling messages that day.
    You waited for him to leave your work room before you allowed yourself to cry. He did not see your pain.
    You gave him orders like to a child, you told him to not take your cookies.
    It sounded like a friend who is playing upset, it sounded part of the game itself.
    He did not hear you feel terrible when he treats you as a friend at work and you want to be cherished and protected as his lover. He did not hear you want him as your caring boy friend or you’d rather not see him at all.
    You did not tell him your truth, that day. You kept silent.

    He observed your symptoms and your silence and he wondered if it was related.
    He had to guess what was your silence about!
    He SOMETIMES thinks you are ill because you make love with him and it might be better if he stops seeing you all together. But he is not sure.
    He is willing to let you be in peace, he is not stalking you or forcing you.

    3
    ****X: ya. That is also because we have never had time after sex. Mostly my problem. Mee, wouldnt it hurt you enormously if i turned out to be interested in sex only.
    me: ******Not really******. I could figure that out in the last couple of months: but there are more things, better things I can offer as a woman. there are more and better things I can take from a man too. but now that you sort of stated that you were interested only in sex, i feel we should stop this conversation altogether
    X: you think so?*****

    Why do you say
    “not really”?
    You tell us here it is killing you that he wants sex only.
    I don’t get that part.

    4
    ******me: insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results
    X: well then let us stop and begin somewhere else some other time if there is a somewhere and a sometime else than this.
    oh ok.
    Then actually your insanity point answers my ping about stopping and beginning
    so ya.
    thats like a nice crash landing
    me: thank you for being honest with me****

    He agrees to stop everything.
    His reality does not allow real love with you, you said you are not interested in being part of his game time, so for him it is the end of the game.
    You are stepping out of his game. He accepts it. You had not stepped out before.

    5
    ****X: anyway, i will not remember this conversation the next time i meet you. you can remind me if you want to. or simply start talking from a random point in time and space and build a new thread altogether
    after so many years i have come to believe in one thing. wherever you go and wherever you start and end and whatever you say, you are not faraway from anything. you are not faraway from anywhere. you are just there somewhere.
    twenty years from today i could meet you in a hotel lobby in amsterdam and we could go and make love like that is what the world was conspired to do.****

    And he philosophizes to say his game with you is intemporal, out of pace and reality. It is his personal imaginary secret garden.
    He can meet you within 20 years, the game will be on.
    You will make love.
    It is like putting aside an electronic game, and finding it back within 20 years, and push the button and play.
    It is independent from his real life and circumstances.
    And he does not wish friends to know he needs that game.

    6
    ****me: I still have feelings for you. I was sexually and romantically interested in you. I am not interested in friendship
    X: yes baby. but what will do with a man who will not marry you?
    Who will insist on a secret relationship?*****

    He misunderstands you here. He thinks you are asking him to keep seeing you.
    So he is saying
    “all right you still want to be with me, but I am no use for you because I will not marry you and I will never take you out of secret, so why do you insist?”

    7
    ****Me: I told you at the beginning of this conversation that I do not expect to marry every man i meet and date.
    X:. and what about the secrecy bit?****

    The vibe switched.
    You are not the one keeping him away from you any more. He is the one who broke with you and you are bargaining with him.
    You try to convince him he can have you back, you won’t ask him marriage, he should feel safe?
    Does it mean you would date him until he meets the girl he will marry?
    He gets interested if he can have his same old game back. So, of course, he asks
    “Even secrecy?”
    Why not , since you are bargaining.

    8
    (Sorry, I have to leave the blog soon, so in short:)
    Then he sees he is getting nowhere speaking with you because you definitively don’t want the same thing from each other and he will get nothing speaking with you
    He does not want real life with you, he wants game time, so he attacks sexually.
    He dismisses your words, he seduces you speaking of sex.
    He is not forcing you but since you were bargaining to get back in the game, he thinks the game is back on.

     9
    *****I do not want to be carried away with his good and nice words.****

    What good and nice words?
    That your body is marvelous? You know that, he wants you sexually. Nothing new.
    That he wonders if he should stop seeing you because making love might be killing you?
    That he can not marry you?
    That he can not stop secrecy?
    That he has only one evening free and he needs sex?
    That he does not get your psychology?
    That you should not share words, you should only have sex?

    If you mean he was honest and talkative, yes he was.
    But he still does not give you what you need.

    If you mean a miracle was happening, yes it was.
    From a man who does not even text or say hello when he walks by your window, he came to be a man who tells you what he thinks of you.
    And who describes your body, your hair, your perfume, and the souvenir of you during love making.
    I imagine you were all upside down reading that part.

    Yes it is like reading a miracle happening.
    The Rori third way did work with you and him so far.
    Which allows to hope, why not…. everything is possible under this sun.

    But you are not ready yet to face him alone in a private place
    DO NOT MEET HIM AT YOUR PLACE AND DO NOT MEET HIM AT HIS PLACE or at a friend’s place.
    YOU ARE YOUR WORST ENEMY.
    He he he like all of us 😉
    HE WILL NOT FORCE YOU, YOU WILL SURRENDER TO HIS KISSES BECAUSE YOU WANT SEX WITH HIM.
    YOU STILL HAVE NOT WON THE FIGHT AGAINST YOURSELF.
    IT WONT BE LONG BEFORE YOU MASTER YOUR OWN DESIRE BUT IT IS NOT TIME YET.

    Everything is possible under this sun..

    But it takes you sticking to your new boundaries and never bargaining.

    Share your true feelings.

    Try to be happy. He said every time you use words, you fight.

    That was because you were trapped inside his game.

    Today you are not playing his game. No more sex.

    You are real and you stop him from dragging you back in game world.

    You don’t need to use so many words to tell him what you want;

    You act.

    He asks to come to your place you say “NO”

    no explanation other than “I don’t receive men at my place”.

    He asks why?

    You repeat “I don’t receive men at my place”

    He asks, yes but why?

    You say “They take me out on dates, I don’t receive men at my place.”

    If he says,” too bad, then good bye”

    You use the tools you have used so far to stick to your decision.

    He will ask you again .

    If he asks you out , you say “yes”

    If you meet him out, you forget the old story, you see him as a new date.
    You share happiness and enjoy a good time with him.
    He needs to be happily surprised by the real meemee.

    You both need to feel joyful.
    From there , who knows…

    xxx



  150.  #150Rosa on November 22, 2010 at 10:40 pm

    Now Daria ,

    The flexibility I see is in being able to put on any shoes you choose, that is be empathic in solid court shoes, or play the devils advocate in red pumps , to be able to stand back and watch yourself stamping and steaming in naughty little girl Mary-Janes or vamping it in steamy Goddess sequinned heels or whatever shoes you chose and appreciating all the different pairs and knowingly choosing which ones to wear. thats flexibility .

    I believe opinions are meant to be expressions of thought and feeling , not trenches into which we dig ourselves. When we are moulded by life experience and truly open to change then we can hold opinions lightly according to the feeling and the moment . Thats what i aim for.



  151.  #151Daria on November 22, 2010 at 10:44 pm

    Rosa – ooooh i love the shoes… feels exciting and fun!

    I bet you’re referring to or picking up on my expressions about thoughts and beliefs not being real…

    I read recently most of The 4 Agreements – Toltec Wisdom

    very much clarified Rori’s stuff… same dealio



  152.  #152Daria on November 22, 2010 at 10:45 pm

    ohh well the shoes may seem to referr to how i express different voices like the cussing and the helping and the questioning and the observing



  153.  #153Daria on November 22, 2010 at 10:46 pm

    Rosa’s metaphors – like multicolored black, pink, white, blood, purple, sunny, orangecream Rosebushes… in a Rosebush Forest



  154.  #154The Nikita Show on November 22, 2010 at 10:50 pm

    So, um…ladies… Since we’re here I’d like to share something.

    I saw Mr.big doing something and I asked him- oh are you……?

    And he said…no, I was….and then I …..but I’m not…. I just….

    I said…oh, so….I caught you in time before you ……..

    He said, …..no, because I’m not…..I just…..I’m going to……,…..instead….I just……and then…..so then….

    I said, oh ok….so maybe…?

    He said,…….no, not even,……I just….and then….but I’m ….Hey! What am I explaining for!?!?!?!!!!!!??

    I said, ….I dunno….(shrugs shoulders,surprised that he was explaining-yes or no is cool) …… Ok….so…..,….nite

    😉

    Anyways,

    The vibe I got was….”why am I explaining?, I don’t have to answer to you.” I’m me….and I am either accepted or accepted lol,
    We were both surprised he was explaining…he was using a lot of words- when the question was just playful and not serious….but I felt really impatient listening….but I listened because I thought it was going to go somewhere and as saw it wasn’t going anywhere I felt uncomfortable cuz it didn’t matter….it was yes. Or NO…lol…… That was fun…..and for sure I want to explain as little as possible 😉



  155.  #155Plum on November 22, 2010 at 10:51 pm

    Rosa

    It is lovely to see you good and smiling.

    Wow, I was wondering if he would dare go pass your words and visit you anyway 🙂
    He did!
    It feels good to read your news.

    xxx



  156.  #156Daria on November 22, 2010 at 10:55 pm

    LONEPLUM – wow AWESOME!! yes I didn’t see that she didn’t share the emotional pain, and hasn’t said NO to secrecy yet

    yesyes! you picked up on important stuff!

    Feeling admiring!!

    LOVE YOU LONEPLUM



  157.  #157janjune on November 22, 2010 at 11:00 pm

    PLUM!
    #147
    i wish i had known you when i was married so you could have broken my husband’s behavior down for me like that! amazing, your insight into men… 🙂

    however X played his game with meemee though, meemee is left to deal with the fallout… this is what i feel concern for…

    but i do love the way you broke the whole game (X’s game) down 🙂

    you have, in my opinion, the “wisdom of the ages” dear plum, and i look forward to every one of your comments.



  158.  #158Rosa on November 22, 2010 at 11:03 pm

    Plum,

    That was amazingly well reasoned, lengthy but you captured everything i was too exhausted to attempt to pull apart. Applause +++++++++++++++

    The ambivalence of Meemee deserves a chapter in itself , but a pendulum is a great thing Meemee because as it swings it begins to generate kinetic energy , and thats whats gonna get you up in the saddle and cantering off leaving him clinging to the tail and dragging in the dirt…..

    You said it all for ME too Plum .Thats why i so endorse it , and possibly for many in “recovery” here. My earlier posts today mentioned my situation. You are so spot on .

    READ THIS CLOSELY MEEMEE _ PLUM IS RIGHT.

    I think I must have reached the third way . I have decided to let G man (the 5 yr imaginary lover) come and care for me if he wants , imaginary girlfriend or not ..because there is NO SEX now between us. I have credibility too because of the cancer and major major surgery , he HAS to respect and not tempt and tease me , i cant even walk up stairs for F’s sake. But dont get me wrong the attraction is only greater than ever it seems. He had manly red eyes when he hugged me and left me here in my hospital bed to return to the girl friend he is visiting for a week.

    He asked to come back to me tro care for me, he talked of moving back to this City if he can get work and back to where he used to live…across the road from me that is , and nowhere near the GF….one confused guy, but guess what , I am too busy riding on to notice 🙂

    Its like cancer has given us hope of a maybe possible something or other in the future, all i know is , i am not invested like I used to be , and he cant seem to stay away. This may just be the Third Way , but if not , hes a great cook and cleaner 🙂



  159.  #159Daria on November 22, 2010 at 11:05 pm

    ok so i did something:

    remember i need 30 dollars to pay tomorrow, and i have 20 dollars in my paypal account – to save my turned off phone number from expiring

    I WANT this number.

    I had it for 12 years.

    ok.

    so my mom gave me a certain amount to pay for DUI class

    she came and asked me this weekend, about it, nicer tho

    she said they decided they were going to help me

    i said oh

    i hadnt asked for help

    anyway

    today she asked about it and i said yes i will go

    so we went

    she acted rude to me as she gave me the money

    she said Thank You… before I got a chance to

    she did that twice tonite…

    but anyway that’s not what i was gonna write about

    THE THING IS

    I got an idea, and when i got to the front i paid 30 dollars less. I was guessing i was able to

    I felt guilty and tense… and also…

    someone said something to me on the bus, and it was something i was thinking already, and even my mom had said it to me

    Don’t YOU do anything to hurt yourself

    so

    this is For me… to help me…

    I have been crying and frustrated for a couple of days over this 30 dollars

    i asked a whole bunch of men today

    so now i have it

    I still need to find someway to get someone to pay it for me with a card… then transfer my paypal money to them and give/send them the cash

    I don’t know who… because a lot of people i know in person don’t use paypal

    Any volunteers here who have paypal ? would not cost you money, I will paypal you first , then send a money order.

    You’d have to trust me for 30 dollars tho till money order comes.

    ***

    so i’m feeling strange… i felt kinda tense… and guilty, but not VERY

    i kinda feel like im taking care of myself

    and i kinda feel concerned that this is Not good for relationship

    and I still want to do what’s best for ME – because this is what I’m doing now

    NOT hurting myself

    hmm

    so I am trying this

    i am confessing here

    I didn’t tell my mom, I said the paying went “fine”

    I feel guilty

    and I feel angry a bit

    I haven’t actually asked for help to pay

    I now have 10 days to pay the 30 dollars to the DUI place… that i held out

    and tomorrow is the day to pay my phone

    I feel … good and jumpy and tense and a lil scared

    like I’m carrying a big red diamond in my coat or something

    hmm

    I feel curious

    I would like to learn from this in a way that feels good

    thank you ANGELS!



  160.  #160Rosa on November 22, 2010 at 11:08 pm

    Daria the Shoes are the voices, the moods, the whims and moments and also they are who you are at the time you state a feeling..

    And The Four Agreements is on my list ..



  161.  #161janjune on November 22, 2010 at 11:10 pm

    hi dorothea,
    if you feel like it, i’d love to hear about your nutrition.
    ive been changing mine too, to less chemicals and can feel a big difference.

    i’m on a very tight budget right now, very tight, and yet have been able to buy “staples” like organic eggs, tongol tuna, some organic fresh fruit and veges on sale (and frozen) and organic cereal, potatoes, beans and rice, a little bit of meat and fish for the same money as conventional.

    i mean my diet is not very varied but i don’t care!

    So happy to hear about you getting that shift you got, where you’re closer ot G*d and yourself!

    🙂 this is quite a journey, isn’t it? 🙂



  162.  #162Daria on November 22, 2010 at 11:13 pm

    I feel a bit sad and guilty to think that I am not being open with my mom

    that I am hiding something from her

    I wonder would I cheat on my man?

    I don’t want to…

    I want to feel open

    But i’d feel furious and NOT want a man that would give me money for ONE thing of his decision, getting in my business and pressing me about this that concerns ME…

    and Not for another thing that is important to me

    I feel like… not seen in that way

    I don’t know if she’d give me the money for phone

    but i told her my issue and she did not offer

    HMM

    I found out I could apply for GA (general assistance)

    and NOT pay for my program

    one of the guys whose house I slept at in my homeless 2 days told me to apply… i felt scared

    I remember my girl DID apply tho one time and she lived with her parents here down the street

    I feel scared that “it will be on record” … terrors from growing up under a Big Brother government

    and that my parents won’t approve

    I am thinking they would rather pay FOR me, DESPITE me, 1800 dollars of my expense, than for me to apply for GA for having no income

    hmm

    like the whole Bankruptcy thing

    hmm

    and they/ mom seemed all pissy about it while they do it too

    like she presses me about it, Takes over my stuff, says she has decided to help me, then is rude and mean to me while doing it

    I don’t like this

    I would like to heal this…

    thank you

    i would like real help

    like help that I ask, hey, I need/want help, will you help me?

    and then they’re like, oh yes we will what do you need?

    or no, i dont want to

    /NOT TAKEOVER help…

    not THANK YOU sarcastic to ME before I get a chance to say thank you!

    wtf

    im feeling pist now

    ugh

    I don’t feel safe to tell my mom I want to pay my phone bill

    even tho i CRIED AND CRIED and felt so desperate about it

    i don’t think she would care

    i feel alone and isolated

    i don’t want that

    hmmm



  163.  #163Plum on November 22, 2010 at 11:14 pm

    Daria 28
    quote******this entire blog is FOR YOU

    to practice expressing, yelling , helping, loving, whatever you want!******

    Thank you so much for allowing freedom of expression
    lol



  164.  #164Daria on November 22, 2010 at 11:15 pm

    Rosa – gotcha! yes the shoes are my many voices hehe

    I love being lots of different ways

    I’m INTO That

    it’s my thing

    kinda goes with my shattering prejudices and belief systems by presenting soemthing expected one way and then it turns out to be different and

    TADAH

    me shifting trickster Goddess



  165.  #165janjune on November 22, 2010 at 11:22 pm

    daria!

    a big red diamond in your coat! looool

    if i had the money id send you thirety dollars… you’ve certainly worked hard enough to get it the universe should give it up just on that basis if you ask me… 🙂

    if you got the money this month, do you have a plan for paying the phone bill next month?
    i mean what plan can you make that will solve the problem so it doesn’t keep coming up for you?
    i feel awful seeing you in distress when your quest is to live life feeling good.



  166.  #166Daria on November 22, 2010 at 11:23 pm

    ouch i feel a bit miffed by Plum’s words

    i feel angry “wtf are you talking about” is a thought of someone who feels angry

    yeah well

    i can’t very much go across the internet and grab someone’s hands and stop them from typing can i

    but I can say that I DON’t like when people attack and put down the purpose of the blog

    or maybe it’s just MY trigger reading it and plum meant

    Thank you Daria for illuminating the purpose of the blog

    i don’t know

    i feel mistrustful tho

    tightness in lower jawbone

    tightness in heart

    mountain lion pauses with front paw in air

    eyes are fixing in on a target

    hmm

    she doesn’t want to expend the energy to run

    her belly is full

    mountain lion’s spine feels tight

    she feels quivering in her back loins

    the spring is being reabsorbed

    her claws are pulsating

    what shall she do with the attack energy she pulled up

    mountain lion doesn’t know what to do with that yet

    she sighs

    relaxing a little

    she feels sad

    mountain lion turns around
    takes a mouthful of grass

    her back quarters just stopped twitching

    her claws are achy now

    mountain lion feels sad

    mountain lion doesn’t liek feeling sad

    she feels not loved

    she feels not understood

    she feels big and heavy

    and she decides to let herself feel it

    so shes sinking now



  167.  #167Daria on November 22, 2010 at 11:28 pm

    janjune – i want the universe and men to give me money

    thank you yes

    i am babystepping to this too

    i don’t really know how/what/even what direction

    just babystepping

    i got the 30 dollars now

    ***

    what would help me is for someone to pay my phone bill online (metro pcs)

    and I can send them Paypal money now… 20…

    and mail them a money order in 30…

    oh just realized, they’d have to give me an address for that

    hmm

    **
    nm

    I will have to find someone with paypal around here in person

    **

    I just thought of someone!

    hope he has paypal



  168.  #168Meemee on November 22, 2010 at 11:35 pm

    Janjune
    Okay. How do I start!!!
    Well, X is the first one I had an intercourse with. I has one boyfriend before and we stayed together but I never had proper sex. So practically, X is the one I lost my virginity to and he knows this too.

    The act of sex is painful for me at times. But I always associated it with other issues. He would abscond and will not call or text for weeks and then he will come home and we make love. Most of the times I was so unprepared emotionally. I meant to say, I knew if he is coming, we will have sex. But I wanted to spend time with him and wanted to be loved and romanced by him. But he will always be in a hurry and we usually got 3 or 4 hours together. I like to be hugged and kissed generously. He does it alright but he is a bit rough. I liked it too at times. But it used to hurt. I told him once that it hurts me during sex and he said he will be careful. But it was still painful and I told him a second time. It was after sex and I hugged him and told him my doctor asked me to do more foreplay so that I will feel less nervous and more relaxed. He smiled and said “May be you should ask your lady doctor to demonstrate how to do it with her husband and you will know how to avoid pain” (I dont remember his exact words, but it was something to that effect)

    I felt so embarrassed and I did not bring it up again. When I told him about that he always replied he will be careful and I never felt so.

    I do enjoy the hugging and kissing and heavy petting. But the times he spent with me were so short that I felt slightly uncomfortable and worried that he will be leaving soon after the act and stuff like that. Also there were long gaps of non communication and then all of a sudden sex when I was unprepared. But I liked spending time with him so I did not object.

    He likes it when I feel the pain. He told me so. He said that adds to the sensuality (whatever that means). He is the only one I ever slept with and I did not know how guys work.

    hmmm. What else would I tell you! I will add as and when I remember things. Talking about this feels so new to me. I could never talk about it to my friends because of the secrecy business. 🙁 🙁

    Meemee



  169.  #169janjune on November 22, 2010 at 11:35 pm

    meemee,
    i’m sleepy and need to go to bed.
    if you feel alright about doing so, please go ahead and let the sirens know about that pain X was referring to… or even just write to rori or to melanie, rori’s assistant …
    does anybody have that email address for rori’s assistant? maybe that would be best anyway especially if you feel uncomfortable discussing it on the blog meemee.
    but please check into this, okay?
    it feels like a murky situation to me.
    ((hugs))
    janjune



  170.  #170janjune on November 22, 2010 at 11:36 pm

    meemee,
    just saw your comment, will go back and read it…



  171.  #171Meemee on November 22, 2010 at 11:38 pm

    But I never brought the pain issue as a major thing between us apart from 3 or 4 times because it was bearable.
    Meemee



  172.  #172Meemee on November 22, 2010 at 11:42 pm

    Loneplum, Rosa, Janjune and Daria and Nikita,
    This is a brainstorming day for me here on the blog. I am gonna take two hours off from office and gonna read all your comments.
    Thanks all
    Meemee



  173.  #173Daria on November 22, 2010 at 11:43 pm

    well he said no

    =(

    i felt kinda weird cuz he sounded a bit like he doesn’t want to hang out with me any more

    anyway he doesn’t have paypal and he’s scared to set it up with his check card because of online fraud dangers

    i know that’s what paypal is actually FOR

    anyway…
    yeah i haven’t hung out with him in awhile

    he used to date me, but never kissed me, and then got hit on by one of my girls who was REALLY attrociously masculine energy and

    too consumed by her anxiety

    anyway he hasn’t much been hanging out with me since labor day

    when he left the freakin spilled ash in my yard

    i didnt think he would but he did

    well
    shrug said my body

    feeling a bit said said my pout

    mealting over and clumpling and hanging my head said my body

    i love my rumpling

    i love my head hanging

    and that feels like

    smile

    i love my smile and that feels like HE

    i want to ask my mom to help me tomorrow

    that will feel nice

    and if she does, i can go pay this money directly to the dui people

    and feel peaceful

    i love my feelings

    sigh

    i love my sigh



  174.  #174janjune on November 22, 2010 at 11:48 pm

    meemee,
    yes, i’d wondered if X was not taking time for you to as we say, get in the mood.
    It SHOULDN’t hurt.
    If it hurts something is wrong, either something your doctor could help you with or he needs to take more time for you to be ready.

    its supposed to feel the BEST.

    also, meemee, since you have had only one lover i will tell you that *I* would be cautious if a man gets more pleasure out of sex when he sees that it’s hurting me physically.
    this is not the NORM.
    rough play, etc., it’s all up to each person what’s okay with them and what isn’t, but it isn’t what most men get turned on by and more importantly, it doesn’t sound like you like it.



  175.  #175Daria on November 22, 2010 at 11:48 pm

    Meemee – hmm

    my guess is guys like it when “you feel pain” because they are THINKING that this is how it’s supposed to be, and that “they are doing something”

    I don’t think it means they are sick or something

    I think it’s just that they are also inexperienced and don’t have the concept of what good sex is supposed to feel like to the woman

    I think that he could feel just as well when he is making a woman feel good… he just doesn’t know the difference and thinks that hurting is cool

    i think women make this issue too

    rough sex and all that, and pain is pleasure etc

    well not really

    rough could be cool, but if it feels good

    at least for me, i know i always and with almost every man tolerated pain

    but I’m not going to anymore

    and yes, foreplay and FEELING SAFE and LOVED has a /LOT to do with how PHYSICAL sex feels sometimes



  176.  #176janjune on November 22, 2010 at 11:59 pm

    meemee,
    i’m glad you’re going home.
    i’m going to bed.

    whatever has happened between you and X can be over.
    whatever mistakes have been made, whatever you didn’t know, it’s all just your life and your business and you have your own path to walk and you’re walking it, that’s all any of us can do is try to live with no regrets, accept our past and make the future different.
    i agree with loneplum you are working your way toward mastery in your life and will get there!
    we all will 🙂
    you will make the right decisions and will learn what you want and don’t want in the process.

    i’m saying a prayer for you tonight for comfort and peace in your heart and mind.
    ((huggs))



  177.  #177janjune on November 23, 2010 at 12:06 am

    that’s a good point daria— the being inexperienced part and maybe he’s thinking that’s the way it should be…

    im glad you bring the male perspective to the table here (but not in male voice!)
    balance

    i, however, just don’t know what to think, but feel something’s off…



  178.  #178Rosa on November 23, 2010 at 12:15 am

    Meemee , later when you read this , this is for you.

    Internal pain “deep dyspareunia” is most commonly caused by ovulation , chlamydia infection and endometriosis . These things are all diagnosable and fixable . i suggest your doc should take swabs and ultrasound test to be sure your fertility is kept safe for the future.

    More surface, superficial or initial pain is often psychologically and time related , lack of foreplay, lack of fluids/lubrication, lack of experience and knowledge. Also common yeast infections can feel like sandpaper and are even more common I have noticed in women who are unhappy in the RELATIONSHIP that the sex is part of. I have come to think of this as an “unhappy vagina” . It wants to repel the cause of the inner pain , ie HIM.There are several other very common infections , herpes , trichomonas etc..all could be a cause. Get checked out please as per above recommendation. I work in this area . I sort this stuff out daily.

    Its not normal to want to hurt a woman with sex. Its sadistic.He obviously gets off on it. Some people enjoy BDSM but I think experience will in time help you know the difference .

    Do not think this is a healthy sex situation please. I echo Plum ..DONT GO THERE> and add this, get sorted please.



  179.  #179Meemee on November 23, 2010 at 12:18 am

    Lone Plum Re: 147
    If we owe our life to someone and if someone has done something Godlike to us, in India this is what we do: we bow down and touch their feet with our hands and then touch our eyes with those hands.
    Loneplum, this is what I want to do to you now. I want to bow, touch your feet with my hands and place them on my eyes.
    If I say “Thank you” as I always do, that will be an understatement
    Meemee



  180.  #180Rosa on November 23, 2010 at 12:20 am

    “If we owe our life to someone and if someone has done something Godlike to us, in India this is what we do: we bow down and touch their feet with our hands and then touch our eyes with those hands.”

    How beautiful.
    I now sincerely want to do this to my surgeons.

    They would probably think they gave me too much anaesthetic!!!

    And besides I cant get anywhere NEAR my feet ..ouchieee I am wearing an abdominal BINDER…:)



  181.  #181Rori Raye on November 23, 2010 at 12:23 am

    Jagged, Welcome – and step-by-step practice NOT beating yourself up – practice accepting and loving yourself – talk to yourself this way. Have you thought of working with a coach, or trying a spiritual path? Love, Rori



  182.  #182Rori Raye on November 23, 2010 at 12:26 am

    Flora – I know this is hard with the kids…but hear this man. He’s not ready to move from one marriage to another so quick. Some men are, he’s not. Can you just take it easy (you’re barely out of your marriage too) and slow…and focus on having fun and good times? AND CDing? You don’t have to actually date other men to flirt with them, talk with them…if you really do this, it will change your “vibe” and help the situation. Love, Rori



  183.  #183Katnina on November 23, 2010 at 12:26 am

    AmberS 78- wow. After reading that, I feel like I am starting to get it. I feel a big AHA!
    I feel sad that it has taken me so long to learn this.
    I love my sadness.
    I feel hopeful that I am learning now. I want to learn more.
    Thank you.



  184.  #184Leo on November 23, 2010 at 12:27 am

    hi Sirens!

    I just caught up with all the reading (cause I slept the past 8 hours, now it’s 9.15a.m.)

    I am really sorry, Meemee, to hear all that.
    I hope you really stick to your boundaries. I mean… especially the one: NO secrecy. I would stop caring for now about the other issues, but when he comes up and wants to talk to you into meeting with him just say and repeat the one sentence: No meetings in secrecy.
    Either he gives in to that…or he has to leave.

    Today I feel really good, happy, straight-forward and enthusiastic.
    I need to study for an upcoming exam and I started yesterday and now feel soo proud that I did.
    And the feeling talk with my man I think really payed off a little.
    I send him the daily “good-night” email talking about my evening – but in lots of feeling messages.
    And although he was really busy (well…he was at work :D) he answered immediately. He often didn’t used to do that when he was really busy and stressed out. And he was not just saying good night and giving this regular “kiss”, but he also wrote a few more lines, e.g. that he hopes that I sleep well AND that he was thinking of me.

    Those last two sentences sound actually really lame… but I felt happy, extremely. Cause he hadn’t been doing that very often lately.

    I will stick to the feeling messages and I think i am getting better and better and using it with everyone I talk to.

    Even if they just ask “how is everything going”, I don’t say: it’s going okay, but I say: I feel great/or not so great.

    And I am looking forward to more contact now with my man if he keeps up with how he has been the past days.
    Or rather: I keep up with what I am doing, listening to my feelings and trying to find things that make me happy!



  185.  #185Daria on November 23, 2010 at 1:24 am

    INSPIRED EXCITED!!!

    http://www.videoconversionformula.com/plv2

    I’m watching THIS!! a woman that teaches how to use videos to market yourself online…

    I got it from Jena LaFlame (sp?) who does weightloss the feminine way – pleasure, savoring, breathing,

    I GOT THE IDEA TO DO A RELATIONSHIP DATING WOMEN’s EMPOWERMENT program

    THRU VIDEO!!

    It will be like Rori’s e-letters…

    but I will teach each tool, ON VIDEO!

    So i will demonstrate the Dance Position

    the hundred men exercise

    the 5 second eye look

    and it will be ALL short VIDEOS!!!

    of course I’ll be “stealing” Rori’s concepts and everything

    but they will be The Daria Way

    Rori will support me I know it

    oh wow!

    Dressing liek a Goddess! on video!!

    WOWIES!!!!

    =)))))

    feeling excited!!



  186.  #186Daria on November 23, 2010 at 1:27 am

    I wonder how i can set this up so it will be healthy and blessed and be a business for me!

    Siena?



  187.  #187Daria on November 23, 2010 at 1:31 am

    her website and videos are so exciting! they’re so big beautiful and feminine



  188.  #188Leo on November 23, 2010 at 2:22 am

    Daria, I would love to see all that.
    I am so interested in that and what to get to know it…but cant afford it right now.
    I got one book with some tools and i always read the newsletters and what’s talked about here.

    But i’d like to know so much more for example about the Dance Position.



  189.  #189Daria on November 23, 2010 at 2:40 am

    Leo – yes it might be easier to describe while on video right!

    Dance Position is standing up straight and relaxed like our spine is a Rose stem, or a tree

    let attention gravity sink into our hips … feel our center of gravity in our hips

    shoulders roll Out softly (not back hard military style)

    arms around our sides, Palms facing Front and open

    put one foot behind

    lean weight on back foot some

    relax

    relax mouth and lips

    Unzipper heart

    whew!

    I add this

    three power doors:

    1squeeze nani slightly

    2straighten lower back (so no curve)

    3straighten back of neck , letting chin come in and down slightly – so it feels like spine is straight, and like a string is suspending head from the crown

    ok

    just focusing on gravity in hips and keeping the three power doors open is GREAT

    will keep u looking AMAZING anywhere

    allow all other feelings/tensions, in tummy , neck, wherever they are to happen

    and continuously return body to the position nonetheless



  190.  #190Daria on November 23, 2010 at 2:41 am

    anything else, beside spine… MELT

    like candle wax



  191.  #191Daria on November 23, 2010 at 2:50 am

    oh this is not for (just) dancing lol… its for standing and walking in general



  192.  #192Leo on November 23, 2010 at 2:53 am

    daria – thanks for describing it to me.
    I tried it out just now.
    It’s interesting… but comfortable.

    Only the “chin slightly down” won’t work with my man… cause I always have to look up at him 😀



  193.  #193Daria on November 23, 2010 at 2:58 am

    mm

    – its not about that chin slightly down

    BTW thats not part of Rori’s expression

    what happens is, the chin GOES down, as you push the back of your neck back

    So that your head BALANCES as if from a string on a crown

    once you FEEL it – like its balancing from a string all the way to your spine (will help if you are holding the nani slightly squeezed at bottom and the lower back also straight, body weight low in hips)

    once you FEEL your head balanced, you will of course be able to move head around

    but what happens as you adjust the position is that the chin naturally tucks in slightly

    the head is held high like a queen, no matter what is going on

    if you watch RHIANNA, the singer, she holds herself this way…

    I noticed it in a video of her purchasing a ticket.. her neck stayed straight

    it has a Regal Air

    I believe Yaya, from an old season of America’s Next Top Model… also has this

    they always told her she looked like a queen

    I will actually feel my neck bend in beautifuly ways when i get in this position

    it is an AMAZING feeling and is simply impossible to not notice a person carrying themselves this way



  194.  #194Leo on November 23, 2010 at 3:00 am

    oh by the way.
    I bought myself a little journal, one I really liked the look of. It’s a read and tiny journal.
    First: It was something I bought just for myself and for pleasure. No need, only – pleasure!
    Second: I carry it around. As I said it’s really tiny so it fits in every purse. And whenever I feel like I write my feelings down.

    It’s so fun, good for me to figure out what i truely feel, and it’s a nice practice to use feeling messages.
    In the back of the journal i put a little list with maaaany feeling words. So sometimes I look through that list until I find a word that really explains my feeling.



  195.  #195Daria on November 23, 2010 at 3:10 am

    this 3 powers is My addition to rori’s stance,

    but I believe is included in her stance she just didn’t describe it this way…

    I got them from a book on Chi Gung and sexual energy

    one of the Standing Positions in this practice is actually pretty much Rori’s dance position

    I don’t think she got it from there

    but magic is universal

    once someone can tap in to the energies, they will Get it… it will click

    ***

    here’s some more tips

    put tongue on roof of mouth just behind upper teeth, don’t push… this should help relax mouth

    pull up slightly on nani

    straighten spine

    relax hips and waist (feel the Weight drop into the hips)

    relax and drop shoulders, shoulder blades move out… turn palms to face forward relaxedly (that’s how this feminine position differs from the chi gung stance taught in the book)

    Activate the Cranial flow by pulling chin in and straightening the back of your neck. This causes your neck to lengthen and head to rise up.

    Feel, or imagine as if the Crown point on top of your skull is held suspended, as if hanging from a string.

    ***

    I am using the book here

    http://books.google.com/books?id=MXfhQISxL-UC&pg=PA83&lpg=PA83&dq=hair+breathing&source=bl&ots=GaJkhp40Oc&sig=-2M9FQg7WI0_nZ_e6EQlUPXIqFc&hl=en&ei=tZ7rTMy7HIy8sAOXuaGPDw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=3&sqi=2&ved=0CCAQ6AEwAg#v=onepage&q=hair%20breathing&f=false

    page 47 for the basic stance,

    which for Rori’s stance is gonna be adjusted to one leg back ( a later stance)

    and palms turned out and unzippering heart — scary!! and vulnerable



  196.  #196Daria on November 23, 2010 at 3:13 am

    i love the Cranial “pump” i want a new name for it hehe

    the MOST

    when i straighten the back of my neck and my neck lengthens

    and my head floats from that string

    no matter how i move my head

    if i am keeping the back of my neck straight

    my head is held HIGH i feel so QUEENLY and amazing

    it feels scary to hold my head high, and i just let the fear play straight through my body

    while making sure to hold my power pumps open anyway
    and its WOW



  197.  #197Leo on November 23, 2010 at 3:23 am

    Ah thanks for the link!
    Just read it.
    And I understood it just as it was described there.
    Will try it out later!!!



  198.  #198Leo on November 23, 2010 at 3:25 am

    Yeah, it feels like one is elevated…
    It doesn’t feel arrogant…just feels like a position one wants to be in.
    Heading to work later and that’s great chance to pratice!



  199.  #199Daria on November 23, 2010 at 3:26 am

    It actually starts at page 45

    tightening the Back of the leg some helps us make sure we’re leanign back (wow glad /I reread)

    activating the Sacral pump by pulling in the lower Sacrum… as you do this the lower abdomen feels slightly pulled in – this is like the Guest Article Rori had a couple years ago from Andrea Albright i Believe, about our core, and i can FEEL it



  200.  #200Daria on November 23, 2010 at 3:27 am

    relax and drop your hips as if you are about to sit down – this helps drop the Gravity into the hips

    OHHH so glad I am rereading this



  201.  #201Daria on November 23, 2010 at 3:41 am

    I am making a blogpost -\

    It is also easy to get a FEEL for this posture if you Put something to carry on top of your head and hold on to it with one hand for balance (tho people in many parts of the world can do it without hands)



  202.  #202Leo on November 23, 2010 at 3:46 am

    Actually I can 😀
    We did that in my sports team in order to practice. Tighten the whole body with the book on your head. Then try to loosen up as many parts of your body as possible without letting the book fall down.

    You immediately stand straight but later on relaxed too.



  203.  #203Daria on November 23, 2010 at 4:00 am

    Ok Goddesses, there is now a blogpost if youclick on my name that shows the Three pumps and the lean back stance



  204.  #204Daria on November 23, 2010 at 4:01 am

    Yay Leo!



  205.  #205sia on November 23, 2010 at 4:23 am

    daria,

    i wanted to clarify:)
    i felt better you didnt mind what i said
    but i dont agree 100% with your view of the purpose of the blog
    I dont think there can be both putting myself (everybody) first at all times and a community



  206.  #206sia on November 23, 2010 at 4:55 am

    i read your blogpost, really interesting
    my muscles are not very melty, knots. did you ever try bikram yoga? the effects of normal yoga are not as lasting as i would like, this seems as a good option
    but i am not sure if the hot room would be good for my rosacea and varicose veins ( i know sauna is not recommended)



  207.  #207Meemee on November 23, 2010 at 5:40 am

    Dear all,
    I read all the posts and feeling overwhelmed.
    Loneplum’s post was the biggest wake up call!!!
    I did not even know or notice the bargaining mode I had slipped into. The dissection she did was the most amazing one I have ever seen, but that makes me feel embarrassed and miserable too- to know that I failed once again.
    I feel ashamed.
    But I am gonna buck up.
    Now when I started writing this blog I felt like a 5 year old who comes back home and says “Mommy, I messed it up again”!!!!! 🙁 🙁 🙁

    I am feeling tired because I am underslept and on medication for allergy.

    Meemee



  208.  #208sia on November 23, 2010 at 6:08 am

    hi meemee,

    sorry you are feeling bad
    and that you are hard on yourself
    even tough seasoned soldiers can break down when subjected to brainwashing techniques

    a see strength in your posts as well, not just bargaining. and it is growing. well done to you



  209.  #209Meemee on November 23, 2010 at 6:10 am

    Sia
    🙂 🙂
    Meemee



  210.  #210Callista on November 23, 2010 at 6:24 am

    Sirens,
    Sorry – off topic – but I was hoping someone could give me a quick tip here… there is one guy who I talk to who always asks me how my love life is going. I have no idea how to respond. Does anyone else get this question and how do you respond? Really, there’s not that much happening right now but I don’t want to admit that!! Do I just say how uncomfortable/embarrassed that question makes me feel? What if he presses me for details? Thank you in advance 🙂



  211.  #211sia on November 23, 2010 at 6:31 am

    hi callista,
    yes, saying you are uncomfortable sounds ok.
    if he is pressing, repeat i am uncomfortable talking about this. i dont want to talk about this.

    as far as sirens advise, giving explanations doesnt work.



  212.  #212Lorelei on November 23, 2010 at 6:40 am

    Meemee @ 207

    And you are still doing well now. You are telling us about a very, very awkward and very personal situation, and I feel for you and I admire your ability to share, and to make changes. I know, and all the other Sirens know, that when we are making big adjustments in our lives, and in how we treat ourselves, and how we allow others to treat us, that there are lots of steps on the way. None us gets it right all the time, or ever, probably. I don’t want you to feel you are the only one on here who feels she doesn’t always manage Rori’s tools perfectly, or who feels unsure. I do. And many of us do.

    When I look back and realise I could have handled a situation differently, I need still need other people to tell me that my REALISATION is itself a step forward. So I want to tell you: your realisation is itself a step forward. You realise that you might want to do something differently next time . . that is a step forward. Without that realisation, you might not be able to take the next step.

    I felt a bit confused whether the long conversation with X was online, or in person. . . . but I agree with Plum. I read it again, and I still feel that he is a man who is using a lot of smooth-sounding seductive words to compliment you, with the intention of starting to have secret sex with you again. I feel worried that even if he will talk to you a bit, this might sound very crude, and it is all about him, not you, but he might see some conversation as the price he has to pay to get sex with you.

    And he may be confused also – because when you saw him, you said and showed you didn’t want to talk. And then you do talk, about intimate matters to him – is this online? If you don’t want to talk to him, then could you experiment with just never answering him online? It might be easier than in person!

    His apparent enjoyment of your physical pain during sex, makes me feel terrible. A good man would care about how it is for you . . . and would stop. And what he said about how his love-making may kill you . . well, it’s hard to tell at this distance whether this is a threat, or a joke about how overcome with pleasure he expects you to be. But you’ve mentioned before that he has issued vague threats . . I also feel worried that he has other secret women (all the stuff you mentioned previously about how he has to keep you secret for, and he is unable even to explain why), and he may also be spreading sexually transmitted diseases around you all.

    Some Sirens may think I am assuming a lot about him, and judging him. Maybe I am. But here is what I think. There are men it is better to have no contact, or only professional contact with, and no personal time on our own with them. And there are men who, in the end, cannot hear our feeling messages. This is in Rori’s Toxic Men.

    And while I believe everyone can change, not everyone will, or not for years. There are some men who, sadly, will not change, no matter what feeling messages we use . . . but you would need the Toxic Men programme to see what Rori means about this.



  213.  #213Scarlet on November 23, 2010 at 6:41 am

    I’m new, but read lots your input. Thanks. Here is my question. For the most part of my love life, I confused compassion with love, so basically only when I felt sympathy and felt being needed, I’d start to love a man. I was very giving, understanding, devoted, sacrificing myself. Therefore it all turned disaster one way or another. I didn’t love myself, I projected myself who needed love and compassion to the men I was with. When I was 33, I finally was fed up and vowed to change. I went to the other end of spectrum. I didn’t want to be taken advantaged anymore. I always wanted my way; I was blunt and opinionated; outside I was rebellious, proud, head-strong, self-righteous, stubborn; inside, I was insecure, jealous, fear of rejection and abandonment, which drove away the man I loved very much. He kept on going to much younger and submissive little girls, which only confirmed that he was not right for me. It was all his fault. Now I realized it was my fault too. when I first met him, I realized I didn’t love myself and I always gave up my needs, but the change I made was too extreme. I’d love to know the boundaries of LOVING ONSELF, because it could turn to selfish. In New York, men and women are all accused too self-centered and self-righteous. They want their way and they are emotionally closed or defensive. They think that’s called LOVE OURSELVES and PROTECT OURSELVES.



  214.  #214Senior Lady Vibe on November 23, 2010 at 6:46 am

    @210 Callista

    It depends… Does he really want to know? Some people use that phrase as a way to say “how do you do?” and you can respond using the equivalent of “very well thank you, how are you?

    “It’s a secret.”
    “I never discuss my love life.”
    “I feel weird talking about my love life to you, why do you want to know?”
    “I’m dating and meeting new people, what about you?”
    “I’m still single, what about you?”
    “My fine love life is fine, how’s yours?”
    “Details?, Oh, I never give details.”

    Much depends upon the person, the relationship, and the context of the conversation.

    SLV



  215.  #215Senior Lady Vibe on November 23, 2010 at 6:56 am

    @212 Lorelei

    “…And there are men who, in the end, cannot hear our feeling messages…”

    Yes, Lorelei, Mr X tells her he does not accept what he says either to him or to others. He tells her she is exaggerating for efffect. I felt sad to read that; it was so dismissive. Silvery-tongued but dismissive.

    SLV



  216.  #216Senior Lady Vibe on November 23, 2010 at 6:58 am

    correction:

    Mr X tells her he does not accept what she says either to him or to others. He tells her she is exaggerating for efffect. I felt sad to read that; it was so dismissive. Silvery-tongued but dismissive.

    SLV



  217.  #217Lorelei on November 23, 2010 at 7:04 am

    Exactly. And Meemee has told us before that he is a man who seems to control everyone around him, not just her.



  218.  #218Senior Lady Vibe on November 23, 2010 at 7:07 am

    Re: the last post, I took another look and saw that she is 25, he is 46! He’s old enough to be her father. Maybe that short relationship is just for her to learn and to then work on herself (as my mother would say), feel better and date guys her own age. That might be her true happiness.

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/he-cant-love-you-if-you-dont-love-you/comment-page-5/#comment-78669

    SLV



  219.  #219sia on November 23, 2010 at 7:09 am

    scarlet

    ‘I’d love to know the boundaries of LOVING ONSELF, because it could turn to selfish. ‘

    i struggle with this too. i didnt actually find anything to this topic on the blog, eg where there is a line between compassion and overfunctioning.
    Bob Grant says woman should put her heart first, which has a different feel to it than putting oneself first.
    I hope somebody will have a take on this.



  220.  #220Lorelei on November 23, 2010 at 7:13 am

    On a rather different note, an update on my dating.

    I emailed CatMan that I felt weird about seeing a second online profile for him, giving an older age. He emailed back admitting he didn’t like getting older, and had deducted a few years. He said, sorry to be such a disappointment. I just emailed back saying, “Thank you for explaining, it’s not the actual, but I feel as if the ‘CV’ had been ‘adjusted.'” Also that I felt unsure about how to go on.

    He is a businessman, he does a lot of hiring and firing, and I hope he gets that I feel as queasy seeing that the goods are not as advertised, as he might when recruiting.

    And it’s my truth. I do feel far queasier about than I guessed I would. I understand the temptation to lie about age on line, I really do, I nearly did myself! But I realise that I have more respect for the guys who put their real age, than for those who try to attract us with dodgy ages.

    I am surprised it matters so much to me. Though his real age does make him nearly 10 years older, which is a lot. But maybe . . this is the kind of thing that, if I really liked him, it wouldn’t matter as much, and I would see the funny side. As, after a second date, I felt we really weren’t clicking at a number of levels, and I didn’t like him so much, maybe the online lie seems more unattractive still . .



  221.  #221Lorelei on November 23, 2010 at 7:19 am

    @220 Meant to say, ‘It’s not the actual age.”

    Some things I type seem to get lost in the post.



  222.  #222Lorelei on November 23, 2010 at 7:22 am

    Can’t get that link to work, SLV @ 218



  223.  #223Senior Lady Vibe on November 23, 2010 at 7:25 am

    @220 Lorelei

    “…. Though his real age does make him nearly 10 years older, which is a lot….”

    hmmmmmm, I wonder since he’s thinking it doesn’t matter about you dating him, at nearly 10 years older, does that also mean he’s dating women 10 years older” I’d ask him, are you also seeking to date women (what’s the range?) 68 to 70????? 😛

    Inquiring minds (at least one) want to know… 😆

    I’m bad sometimes…

    SLV



  224.  #224Meemee on November 23, 2010 at 7:29 am

    Okay Sirens
    For a change
    Mr.X did not come to my room today. He did not ping me. He walks infront my room but did not come in.
    Just before he leaves he opens my door and he has a “girl friend” with him- stays at the door- not coming in- and says
    “Okay let me say bye to Mee.
    Look at Mee.
    She is wearing a nice orange color dress and looking all pretty”
    His girlfriend laughed and then said hi to me which I returned.
    They stay at the door. I feel like some animal in the zoo being watched and commented on “Look at it”
    🙂 🙂
    I got back to reading. I leaned back on my chair.
    They stay there for another 5 seconds.
    Then Mr.X asks his girlfriend “Have you fought with Mee?”
    Then they left.
    I might have acted little bitchy. But I liked it.
    🙂
    Meemee



  225.  #225Senior Lady Vibe on November 23, 2010 at 7:30 am

    222: Lorelei says:
    Can’t get that link to work, SLV @ 218

    I just clicked and checked, it works for me. But it’s the top of the page anyway–the current and last post.

    SLV



  226.  #226Senior Lady Vibe on November 23, 2010 at 7:40 am

    @Meemee

    “I got back to reading. I leaned back on my chair.
    They stay there for another 5 seconds.
    Then Mr.X asks his girlfriend ‘Have you fought with Mee?’ ”

    Meemee, strange “goings on” here. I’ll be glad when you get another guy. I know you will and as someone commented, probably Honey, then when you think of Mr. X you’ll say…”What the Hell was I thinking?” I think every woman alive has had that thought…I know I have!

    SLV



  227.  #227Lorelei on November 23, 2010 at 7:40 am

    Good for you Meemee!!! A little bitchy maybe is like not being all sweet and submissive, and it sounds a bit fun, too! 🙂



  228.  #228Lorelei on November 23, 2010 at 7:44 am

    SLV @ 223 – ha ha ha ha. Tempting, but he’s not worth the trouble!

    More updates later about WaveMan (500 miles away) who is now planning to combine a business trip with a trip to my home town to meet me, in about two weeks time!!! He stepped beautifully when I gently feeling messages that I wouldn’t feel good about visiting his home for a weekend as a first date. Have to go now.



  229.  #229Lorelei on November 23, 2010 at 7:54 am

    Typos in 228 – i mean, “when i gently feeling-messaged him that . .”



  230.  #230Leo on November 23, 2010 at 8:04 am

    “”What the Hell was I thinking?” I think every woman alive has had that thought… ”

    Hahaha, yes, I actually have had that with my first “boyfriend”. 😀
    (I just enjoyed the thought of having a boyfriend…:D but no real feelings from my side. )

    Though the man I am with now – is my real first.
    Cause I really love him back!

    I feel happy right now. Actually I have had a real good day (it’s already 5p.m.).
    I felt happy, strong, enthusiastic, self-assured, and just bright as the sun.
    Or I liked to compare myself to a flower: Head-straight up, gorgeous, pretty, strong, happy, shining!

    But then an hour ago my best friend ( a guy) asked if I was sad or something…cause I looked lately like I was.

    That kinda got to me…it confused me cause I don’t understand why he got that impression…
    I feel sad, mad, irritated, confused and self-conscious.

    Mad…cause I do feel happy!



  231.  #231Scarlet on November 23, 2010 at 8:09 am

    Meemee, Plum is right and insightful. Don’t believe things like he’d change in a drop of a dime. No. He won’t. It’s not three months affair that he needs to get to know you. It’s three years and his behavior has been consistently disrespectful and unloving and inconsiderate. It is 300% unacceptable. Not only he doesn’t love you and doesn’t want to be serious with you, he is not even considerate and proper when you have sex. If you still has doubt and hope, I’d be more direct and brutal. X has used you for sex for three years. He never stops looks and pursues other girls, but until he finds somebody he wants to be serious, he will need you for sex. Period. When he disappeared for two months, very likely he found somebody else, but it didn’t work out, so he came back to you as a safe bet. He was not just confused or indecisive or fearful. He is a terrible human being. And you let him to treat you badly. This has to stop. Otherwise you won’t learn to love yourself. You’re not a girl who can handle casual sex without emotional involvement with him. So dump him!!!! This is the only way to love yourself and re-establish your self-esteem. A Bad Man can destroy a woman. Don’t go any further and any sex with him with any remote hope that he could change. NO! There was enough time passed and he had lost his respect inside of him.

    and he is not a nice man!!! period. you might not be able to see it, but people outside can see it clearly.

    please excuse me being direct and forthcoming. Sometimes we all need a knock on the head to wake up from our hopeful dream and our wishful thinking.



  232.  #232tinque on November 23, 2010 at 8:11 am

    “I’d love to know the boundaries of LOVING ONESELF”

    The line between loving oneself and being selfish and self-centered is subtle yet huge.
    If you are thinking you are loving yourself, this would be the first alert that this is not true self-love, for you would be all in your head.
    Let’s say you observe someone close to you behaving as if hurt, looking forlorn, neglected, sad, would you continue to be all wrapped up in yourself, taking care of you and only you, ignoring the apparent cry for attention and love?
    A woman who loves herself would not be loving herself very well if she is causing pain in or ignoring another.
    Her “spillover” indeed spreads love, but there will not be any extra if her fountain has only one teeny tiny one directional, one dimensional spout.
    Self-love includes compassion and care for others, and this can be successfully attained without overfunctioning.
    xxoo



  233.  #233Scarlet on November 23, 2010 at 8:13 am

    Thanks Sia. You’re right. When we are learning a new concept and method, we need to know the boundary. Loving oneself can easily turn into being self-centered and always wants our own way. Being strong can also conflicted with being vulnerable. I need to know the specific example of boundaries between them.

    Rori, this is the time we need to hear your feedback and input. Thanks.



  234.  #234Meemee on November 23, 2010 at 8:27 am

    Scarlet
    re: 231
    Thanks for that knock in the head. It helps 🙂
    Meemee



  235.  #235life_is_too_short_to... on November 23, 2010 at 8:32 am

    231. In order for MeeMee to dump him, in every sense of the word, there has to be no entertaining thoughts of sex with him, whatsoever.

    That is a big part of what worked for me, seriously.

    But it’s that dang man-crack.

    She’s still addicted to the oxytocin effect,
    which is the ropes that keeps her tied to
    him, and he’s in her workplace, very much
    a part of her daily social milieu.

    It can’t be easy for her.

    I had the benefit of distance and it was still very difficult.

    Cutting strings technique:

    Imagine you are holding a giant scissors
    or a machete. Hold it out in front of you
    and starting near the top of your head, with
    conviction and enthusiasm and the intention
    to free yourself of your ties to this person,

    slice those ropes all around your body, see them
    break and separate, and watch
    him as he hurtles backwards, getting smaller and smaller, into a black hole in the distance

    Repeat as necessary

    She has to, of course, desire to free herself

    but, the romance novel and dramatic aspect may also be a drug and a kind of dysfunctional way to feel less lonely.

    I wouldn’t recommend Rori Third Way to MeeMee with this man at this stage. He hasn’t been presented with the clear boundaries yet, and she needs to be more firm in her power. Then he has to acknowledge them and accept these boundaries.

    One baby step at a time



  236.  #236Simply Shannon on November 23, 2010 at 8:41 am

    Meemee! No you didn’t fail! That’s not true. Your NVs may quietly sit in the corner. You did wonderfully! What I’m sensing is that you feel conflicted about your feelings around this man. He wants you and maybe you want him too. It’s okay if you want sex with this man. If what you want is sex AND a relationship out in the open, then this man may not be the right man for you. That’s all. It’s okay that you wanted sex with him for three years. NOW you’re realizing that may not be enough. (Or maybe it is. That is for you to decide.) It’s even okay if you like more painful sex. Some people like it that way! And if you don’t, well… now you know.

    That’s kind of why I mentioned you deciding if this is really a boundary for you or not. There are so many possibilities. This is all about how you view yourself in a relationship or around sex. YOU are choosing what MEEMEE wants. And whatever YOU choose is okay!

    Plum gave you valuable insight. (Plum, I LOVED what you wrote. Like someone else said, you wrote that for me!) Now you take what Meemee wants and leave the rest. YOU get to decide what you want. No more letting anyone else decide what’s best for Meemee.

    You are doing great! You’re noticing and deciding what you want!!



  237.  #237Scarlet on November 23, 2010 at 8:42 am

    Tinque, thanks. I have no problem to have compassion for other people. What I am talking about is the boundaries between you and your love interest. when you love yourself, you might want your way, and he might want his way. If we give up what we want, we might not happy inside but it pleases the other. So there is a very subtle boundaries, what and which. Don’t you think?



  238.  #238sia on November 23, 2010 at 8:44 am

    tinque, thank you!!

    what do you think of not always stating your feelings, out of compassion?
    I was thinking recently about the time I awaited diagnostic surgery and I wasnt capable of thinking or talking about anything but my fears, but none of my friends said that they feel drained and tired of listening. Although they did. They have been so good to me.



  239.  #239life_is_too_short_to... on November 23, 2010 at 8:50 am

    ‘I’d love to know the boundaries of LOVING ONESELF, because it could turn to selfish. ‘

    Scarlet, i read your post and immediately thought of
    the book The Four Agreements, and then I read some other recent posts and saw that it had been mentioned here as illuminating Rori concepts,
    and I agree.

    so yes, I would definitely recommend this book in helping to clarify the in’s and out’s of staying true to oneself without having an agenda.

    some thoughts…

    It really helps to not be a martyr…being all selfless and giving and stuff and then resenting it when she feels all depleted because she isn’t getting anything back. That is giving with an agenda.

    Also what is key is loving, approving of and accepting yourself, as you are, continually.

    Loving Oneself properly is selfish, but in a good way,
    that benefits others, your only motive is to see others happy, not for what you can get out of it,
    not a “it’s all about me, look how wonderful I am” self-centered way.

    **LiFe**



  240.  #240tinque on November 23, 2010 at 8:51 am

    I have found being in a deeply intimate relationship that “my” way is not so defined and separate from “his” way. They tend to blend and merge and morph into “our” way in a lovely and organic way. If there even are two different ways to start with.

    Nothing for me thus far has been SO important that we have been ever stuck in a logjam. I can imagine all ways as being exciting and potentially wonderful. Maybe I tend to be more flowy with life, but for me I have found that when I keep myself open to possibility, conflicts such as you describe just don’t happen. I suppose it helps he is this way too.

    When you state your “I don’t wants” clearly, if he loves you he will listen. If he states his “he doesn’t wants” and they differ from yours, you will love him and listen.

    There is now room for negotiation if it’s needed.

    xxoo



  241.  #241life_is_too_short_to... on November 23, 2010 at 8:58 am

    237.

    Scarlet, I believe we need to get clear on what is really important to us. What is negotiable and what is non-negotiable.

    As an example on a practical level, if I don’t care how the towels are folded, but my partner does, either let him have the job of folding the towels the way he likes them, or I fold them the way he likes them, because I don’t care one way or the other.

    I think it comes down to compromise. (there’s that word again…hope it doesn’t kick up a sh*tstorm of controversy again…LOL!!

    **LiFe**



  242.  #242tinque on November 23, 2010 at 9:00 am

    sia – the situation you outline here would not be withholding your feelings out of compassion but out of maybe not martyrdom but something like it.
    In this case if you were in your friends shoes, you would have done exactly the same thing. You needed support, and they were there for you being true friends.
    This reminds me of when I was going through a rough internal struggle time five or six years ago. For MONTHS I lamented the same stories over and over again. My friends may have been weary of hearing my stuff, but they never let on; they never shut me down.
    In retrospect I feel a bit embarrassed for having been this way, yet everyone of them has told me that they too learned so much from my ordeal. They were happy to be there for me.
    And it’s true if the tables had been turned, I would have been there for them, maybe telling them the same thing again and again, but when we’re on a learning curve such as I was, one needs to hear the “new” ways again and again and maybe in many different ways and via varied voices until it really sinks in and reprograms the old tapes.
    xxoo



  243.  #243life_is_too_short_to... on November 23, 2010 at 9:03 am

    240. very nice, Tinque 🙂



  244.  #244sia on November 23, 2010 at 9:09 am

    thank you, tinque

    it speaks to me
    i feel very clear now

    i hope nobody is going to sink their teeth into the ‘martyrdom’ word:)



  245.  #245The Nikita Show on November 23, 2010 at 9:09 am

    Daria,

    I have an idea. E-mail me please 🙂



  246.  #246Meemee on November 23, 2010 at 9:31 am

    235
    Life is too short

    “In order for MeeMee to dump him, in every sense of the word, there has to be no entertaining thoughts of sex with him, whatsoever”.

    Can you tell me more on this?
    I think, I think of him that way because he is the only one I can associate such feelings as of now 🙁

    Meemee



  247.  #247Scarlet on November 23, 2010 at 10:07 am

    Meemee, although that’s the way you associated with him, you actually want more from him. That’s why you have to stop have any contact with him, otherwise you’d always have hope and misery at the same time. You’d actually become his sex slave.

    that was how I felt with a much nicer and gentler man who can’t decide our relationship. I thought maybe if I change or behaved differently, he might change. NO. Girl! Now he is with somebody twenty years younger than me.

    when a guy say that he wants you to be secret, he means it. It means he doesn’t love you or think you’re “good’ enough for him. YOu should always believe him and never think you can change him.

    girls could be changed sometimes, but not guys. Unless initially they are crazy about you and you have a normal relationship.

    So don’t hold any unrealistic dream or hope. Believe me. I had wasted 6 years of my life with a man who treated me much better than this X guy to you. It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t love you and he’s not for you. Leave him and have a more normal life with a normal man!!!!



  248.  #248Ragnell on November 23, 2010 at 10:19 am

    Meemee,

    Thanks for sharing your story. It feels really empowering to imagine myself in your place, saying all the right words. I also feel angry about this X guy. Don’t let him make you doubt yourself.

    I want to hug you because you make me feel proud and supportive. 🙂



  249.  #249Lorelei on November 23, 2010 at 10:22 am

    I have a slightly unusual situation devlopping, maybe, with a man I met at Salsa, in another town. He’s 18 years younger than me, so 31. He’s a very considerate and straightforward man, who actually seems older than his years somehow.

    He often arranges private Salsa practice sessions with women from the group, so he can practice his lead. And he made it very clear, when he first asked me about this, that it was “purely platonic” and that he had a girlfriend, even though they do not see each other much.

    We’ve had some practice sessions together, and it’s useful, and fun, and purely platonic. All this happened as my marriage was breaking down and I have always leant back, and used feeling messages with him, for the sake of practice, rather than attracting him.

    But now he’s getting back in touch, and has sent me a very long email, saying how much he admires my strength in getting divorced, and wishes me well for a new beginning. He also asks me not to think he is being too forward in saying this.

    He then provides a very long paragraph, detailing his life, from birth to now, a sort of resume, complete with his address.

    Up to now, I have always taken contact with him as just friendship. Now, I’m a bit more curious about what is going on here . . It feels, um, as if there might be a bit more behind it . . but I’m not very attracted to the resume approach!

    Any thoughts, feelings, reactions?



  250.  #250Ragnell on November 23, 2010 at 10:25 am

    I am reposting this because it may inspire you to feel liberated from toxic men.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TywZyET3ktY

    Dar Williams. As Cool As I Am.



  251.  #251life_is_too_short_to... on November 23, 2010 at 10:26 am

    246
    Oh MeeMee, you know, my heart is breaking for you.

    because I see myself a long time ago, with my first love, who re-surfaced a year ago, and the whole ordeal I went through this year to finally be free of almost exactly what you are saying here:

    “I think, I think of him that way because he is the only one I can associate such feelings as of now :(”

    Because of my identification with those pure, innocent, extremely sexual, sensual, i cannot live without this man feelings (and we never even consummated it back then) that were burned into my brain synapses for three years in my late teens,
    and how it did not end so nicely for me, and made me think less of myself, because I didn’t know better,

    it seemed that no other man, no other relationship with a man would ever measure up or make me happy, like I *thought* I was with that one.

    All these years, I was holding on to a fantasy.

    You know the monkey bars on the playground, where you swing from bar to bar? Well, I did not want to let go of one bar to swing to the next one…
    so I stayed there, in one place, not moving…stuck…

    …a cucumber can be made into a pickle,

    but a pickle cannot be made back into a cucumber…

    I had to let go of this fantasy that was based on ghosts and a person that I know longer am, so that I can attract the perfect relationship for me, as I am NOW…so now I am the pickle who cannot turn back into the cucumber….

    so MeeMee, I see you are afraid to let this go, even though it is not serving you at all, not good for you, and a big reason for that is because it is all you know. It is scary, yes, because you will feel lost and wonder if you will ever find love with a man.

    Allow yourself to explore your attractions to other available men who express interest in you, this will help with the transition,

    make a sincere effort not to compare them to how you felt about X, because he was your first, etc.

    I don’t want it to take as long for you as it did for me, sweet girl, because life is too short not to be happy..

    Please feel free to ask me anything else, or for any clarification,

    I am going to be busy preparing for guests on Thursday today, but I will check in…

    much love,
    **LiFe**



  252.  #252Leo on November 23, 2010 at 10:35 am

    Hi Sirens!

    This might sound a little stupid (it does in my head) but i don’t want to make old mistakes over and over.
    But I don’t know how to behave on this…

    December is coming soon and for the past two years I made and adventcalender for my boyfriend, like self-made, hand-crafted and filled with nice little things.

    But I am not sure if I should do it this year again…
    He liked the two calenders but it’s not like we agreed on doing that for each other. He isn’t doing that.

    And I am stuck now after I have read so many things from Rori.
    I am always supposed to do what I feel like, and I feel like making him one.
    And it’s not for the wrong intention. I mean I am not doing this to tell him that I want one or that I want a thank you.
    But the intention “i want him to be happy” is not really the one I should act after either…

    I don’t know if I should or not…
    I feel insecure and confused.



  253.  #253life_is_too_short_to... on November 23, 2010 at 10:41 am

    MeeMee,
    It also helped me to de-personalize the whole thing somewhat,

    it is like Rori tells us,
    there is You, there is the Man, and there is the Relationship.

    I think it is to our advantage to focus on “Having the Relationship You Want”, rather than focusing on worshipping a specific man or being worshipped ourselves, on a personal level, like making a shrine to a person instead of making the QUALITY of the RELATIONSHIP the priority.

    That being said, there is more than one perfect partner out there for each of us, so that is what gives me faith, hope and trust and keeps me from beating my head against a door that doesn’t want to open, so that I can move on to find the door that will open nice and easily when I turn the handle.



  254.  #254tinque on November 23, 2010 at 10:47 am

    Leo – I would ask you how close you feel to him. Have you been together a long while? Do you have an open and loving bond with him? Do you live together?
    An handmade advent calender is a lovely gift, and this seems to have become a tradition for you, but is it feeling like pressure to you? Do you feel like you have to produce? What does he normally do for you, not that this matters in the grand scheme of things. I’m trying to get a sense of what’s going on here.
    xxoo



  255.  #255Meemee on November 23, 2010 at 10:53 am

    Life is too short,
    As I have written before, I received so little from X, so little that I associated whatever little he gives as “LOVE”. Be it a little time, soothing words (whch he is actually using to get me back into bed), any personal talk. Anything. Anything.
    How do I undo this concept I created in my head!!!!!! I know the healing starts from there.
    Love you
    Meemee



  256.  #256Leo on November 23, 2010 at 11:00 am

    Tinque –
    We have been in a relationship for almost 3 years now. The first 1,5 years with 250miles between us and for the past 1,5 years about 15miles. We want to move in together in the next one half to one year (cause till then it won’t be possible financially).
    So we see each other usually on the weekends and maybe once during the week.

    I do feel close to him; we have moments when we both really get down to our feelings and are bonding.

    It kinda is a tradition. I had handmade advent calenders for myself when I was a child and I just think it’s a nice thing. The first time I did it, we only saw each other every other weekend, so I wanted him to have something from me. Like personal things, too: One some days there is like a love letter or a nice picture of us, some other day only chocolate.
    It doesn’t feel like pressure to me, neither by myself (i just enjoy doing it for him (and kinda for myself too, cause it’s fun to do)), nor by him: he doesn’t expect me to do it or something.

    Well the affection increased in our relationship a little which makes me sad, of course.
    But I wouldn’t do it to GAIN anything from HIM.

    The past 3 weeks he twice got me a little rose that he had found outside. It wasn’t bought, so it was little and with flaws but cute AND he thought of ME.
    He does want to spoil me (e.g. making tea for me and “ordering” me to sit and not do it for myself) but as you can see I had often not let him do that. But he does do it.

    Hope you got a picture



  257.  #257Leo on November 23, 2010 at 11:03 am

    typo:… I meant: The affection in our relationship DEcreased….



  258.  #258The Nikita Show on November 23, 2010 at 11:05 am

    I don’t want to think- that X believes Meemee is no good enough.

    I prefer to think what he has been offering Meemee is not good enough for Meemee.

    I prefer to stay out of X’s head. I do not want to pretend to know a mans head or project…what I think he thinks- this feels dizzying and coagulated to me.

    I believe there is a fear….it is a fearful relationship based on its very secrecy.

    I believe this fearful relationship/relating which only exists in the dark is just not up to par with Meemees new standards, it is not in alignment with what her spirit as a child of God is entitled to. Now that she knows better, she can do better. And one day if X can desire her so powerfully that his desire overcomes his fear. That the loss of her will inspire him to step up- and she feels receptive, then great!
    In the meantime, Meemee, are you dating others yet?



  259.  #259life_is_too_short_to... on November 23, 2010 at 11:10 am

    253. MeeMee
    The fact that you are fully AWARE that these gestures are crumbs, and that he has a vested interest in having sex with you but little, if anything else, is half the battle. So, congratulate yourself for that.

    I know that I had to ask myself if I wanted to continue to feel icky and crappy. It sounds like a no-brainer, but, believe me, many people are not happy unless they are unhappy. They like to suffer. They would rather suffer than be numb, or be in an “i don’t know” place, because feeling bad makes them feel more alive or connected, and it is all that they know, really.

    So, I decided that absolutely no, I did not want to throw up, obsess about a man, let the other areas of my life suffer, become mentally, emotionally and physically sick, which is what was happening.

    I forced myself to get on the on-line dating sites and engage and go out on dates, and open my heart to the men. I am still practicing and not doing it perfectly, but I did not get discouraged.

    Now I met one who I have kissed and who we feel affection for each other and who has re-kindled my sexual energies, and this made it easier for me to make the leap and really and truly cut the cords from the other one. I am not putting all my eggs in one basket with this one either, though. I want to remain clear in my feelings and thinking, and make sure that I am investing in any relationship for the right reasons, not just to have a relationship.

    The other people and activities in my life stay just as important and fulfilling

    Stick with us, here, MeeMee

    love you
    **LiFe**



  260.  #260tinque on November 23, 2010 at 11:10 am

    Leo – Okay I got it. Yes make him a calendar. He sounds like a lovely man, and now that you are allowing him to do things for you, love you and take care of you, the affection bit will likely sort itself out.
    I think the rose from the garden is SO much nicer than a bouquet from the florist though that’s still nice once in awhile too.
    If the decrease in affection persists despite the “new you”, you can say to him, “I miss you. I miss our snuggling,” or whatever it is you like doing with him. “Snuggling feels SO good. I feel safe. I feel loved.” Something like this.
    xxoo



  261.  #261Meemee on November 23, 2010 at 11:12 am

    I feel so angry. I feel so angry.
    It has been months since I seriously worked on my PhD.
    I go to office. I feel completely drained out by the time I come back.
    Doing a PhD and a job itself is difficult. In addition this drama!!!
    I am no kidding, I do not have a single drop of energy left by the time I come back. If I am writing here on this blog and spending time here, that means I am getting less than 4 hours sleep.

    Smoking is shooting up.
    Allergy is so bad. Steroids driving me crazy. Even my doctor does not seem to understand how someone who has been put on steroids can steadily loose weight.
    I feel good when I take care of myself.
    I feel bad when I ignore myself.
    If I had not found you I would have completely go mad 🙂 🙂
    Meemee



  262.  #262The Nikita Show on November 23, 2010 at 11:12 am

    If Meemee can chronically define a new way of relating a new way of being a new woman a new reality, anything is possible……

    Anything….but all things must be made new…and so much of her has been renewed and wonderful truths are coming to light!

    Wonderful truths

    We see his insecurities that he himself expresses.

    We see her NOT managing down her expectations and taking care of herself.

    There is NO need to attack as she lovingly holds herself to the promises she made to her body, mind, and soul.

    There is a wonderful blossoming happening here. 🙂

    It is marvelous and empowering to behold



  263.  #263The Nikita Show on November 23, 2010 at 11:13 am

    Anger is GOOD.

    Anger is a compass to show us where the lines are.



  264.  #264Daria on November 23, 2010 at 11:15 am

    Sia – putting urself first benefits the community the most. Works the same with a man. I don’t want to explain more on this.

    It’s what Rori teaches.

    Shes also the one who repeatedly told me to use the blog as therapy for Me.

    Sometimes I didn’t get it, at this time I feel clear I do.

    It’s virtual, and it’s a great place to practice being…. To expand who I am out in the world,

    I feel sad that the concept of putting self first hasn’t clicked yet with you. I didn’t accept it at first when starting Rori. I was very much a take care of everyone else kind of person. Somehow that still seems slightly admirable, so I may have sone more beliefs to bust huh Angels.

    But I now consciously Get how putting myself first works in the benefit of the community.

    The 4 agreements does help clarify this some more.



  265.  #265Leo on November 23, 2010 at 11:22 am

    Tinque- thanks for your advice.
    I am still working on the “new me” and I think I am still making maaaany many mistakes. But I sometimes feel like it’s getting better.

    And thanks for the example sentences.
    I mean, I have said: “I miss you” or ” I miss kissing” which was wrong cause of my intention. When I told him I wanted him to change. But now, it explains just what and how I feel, so I think it’s okay to say.
    But what I didn’t come up with is:

    I may not only say that I miss this or that but why. And the why I have to do from my perspective.
    So rather than just saying “i miss us kissing” i will say, starting now, something like “i miss kissing….cause i FEEL loved, adored, save…..”
    The last part I didn’t think of to use.

    That’s the problem I often face. That I just kind of need examples. I just don’t think of that.
    But it changes the whole statement completely 180degrees.
    Awesome!

    Thanks Tinque!



  266.  #266Meemee on November 23, 2010 at 11:23 am

    256
    The Nikita Show,
    I am not dating others.
    I will tell you what a normal day of mine is like. It starts at 7. By 9 I am at office. Till 7. It is 8 when I reach home. If lucky I will get 5 hours sleep.
    Monday to Saturday.
    Then there is Sunday. Either I will end up working from home, or babysit my nephew, or doing the washing and cleaning.
    When I get time I accept coffee offers from my male friends. But that is very rare. Very very rare.
    Meemee



  267.  #267The Nikita Show on November 23, 2010 at 11:37 am

    Dating helps remind us there are many ways to marry- it is taking care of self



  268.  #268Meemee on November 23, 2010 at 11:38 am

    I feel I sort of partly hijacked this thread.
    I feel guilty.
    I should shut up for a while
    🙂 🙂
    Meemee



  269.  #269Daria on November 23, 2010 at 11:42 am

    Sia – this Chi hung stance does not require a hot room.

    It will move a lot of tension.

    I know how to do a special kind of stretching – like rolling on myself – which frees up the putty tissue system in the body easily… Muscles and organs and tissue and fluids.

    I learned it from the dvds of Lou Gross at backfix bodywork.

    It’s awesome what can be done and how it feels.

    I also do T-tapp exercise, which helps stretch some. Not like Lous putty stretching, but still in a healthy aligned way.

    Eating Kelp seaweed – a lot at once – has instant results on flexibility of tissues. Try getting a big piece of kelp and running it thru a blender to get kelp flakes.

    Then throw a handful in soup.

    It will sure taste like seaweed haha. After digestion and for a couple days your body will be able to be more stretchy.

    In order to get a permanent lengthening of the tissue, not a retightening,

    First it’s important to stretch with mind in the bodypart.

    Usually we think of stretching muscles like a rubberband. Then after the stretch they snap back to original.

    This is not what we want, though that can still feel good and get warmness and blood in the muscle and release tension from the belly of it.

    Instead of thinking as we know from current fitness to Think of Muscles…

    Instead think offend tissue surrounding and including the
    muscles as a big putty suit.

    Thus is a liquid and fiber “suit” that makes up the shape of your body. It’s made of liquid and collagen fibers. If u took out your skeleton, your body would be just this putty suit.

    What we want to do is pull apart the collagen fibers where they have become stuck together I’m this liquid suit. We can do this by putting our attention in the spot, and stretching or using our hand to pull and lengthen It… Like sillyputty. Very little… We don’t want it to tense .. Just to start pulling them apart.

    It’s important to have the mind attention in the area were working… That is the most key thing. In order to allow the fibers to pull apart, and not tense and tighten.

    The visual of the putty iskey…then we will Feel it ax putty ad well.

    Now how to Do the stretches… I’ll have to see if I van write or may be a must show… All I wrote is the background to it.



  270.  #270Meemee on November 23, 2010 at 11:44 am

    The Nikita Show

    “Anger is GOOD.
    Anger is a compass to show us where the lines are”

    Wow!!!

    Thanks for this.
    Meemee



  271.  #271Daria on November 23, 2010 at 11:45 am

    Meemee – it sounds like you have to prioritize dating. Shift for many who are taught to prioritize work.

    This is about you, your live life and happiness. This deserves to have special priority time. Only you can start babystepping to having that become reality.



  272.  #272Meemee on November 23, 2010 at 11:46 am

    All
    I am off to sleep.
    I should get some rest.
    Love you all.
    A special prayer to Rosa and a thanks which can not be contained in words to Loneplum.
    Meemee



  273.  #273Daria on November 23, 2010 at 11:47 am

    Lol for spelling! The stretching is a form of Rolfing on myself



  274.  #274Meemee on November 23, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Daria
    Yes. That is a good idea.

    But where are the men of this world?!!!!
    🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁

    Meemee



  275.  #275Meemee on November 23, 2010 at 11:56 am

    Daria
    What do your friends call you?
    Just cutious to know.
    🙂
    I had a friend by the same name and I used to call her Daa 🙂 🙂
    Meemee



  276.  #276Daria on November 23, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    Meemee – wow same name!

    That call me Daria

    Or else they call me Young Mac Dee – The Pimpin Diamond. 😉

    Men are out there .,, Go to where they are and leannack and smile



  277.  #277sia on November 23, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    daria,
    thank you so much for the great reply. Ill find the lou guy. I have never tasted seaweed…when you say it tastes like seaweed, what do you mean?:)

    I havent read the 4ag book, just shortened version of 4 agreements. would feel interesting to hear more examples from real life (work, dance ensemble etc) one day when you feel like it.



  278.  #278Simply Shannon on November 23, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Leo, Normally I agree with Tinque but something about this feels off to me. The affection has decreased recently and yet he’s beginning to give small gifts again (roses, etc)? I know the holidays mess everyone up with this obligation to give gifts thing but it seems like this man is stepping up.

    Would I want to make him a handmade gift? Nope. I wouldn’t do it. If making advent calendars brought me joy, I’d make advent calendars for myself and for a child or someone else. Make a million of them and give them away to orphans in my area. Only then would I consider giving him one. Only once I’m receiving a LOT from him and a LOT from the pure joy I receive from making the calendars.

    He’s a man. A man’s joy is found in a woman receiving joy. The Waterwheel tool is that we are receiving so much love that we are able to pour out more love and the water falls back on him too. It doesn’t sound to me like you have a waterwheel going. He’s got a hose pipe and is just starting to turn on the knob. If you start giving to him, he’ll probably turn the knob off, not on.

    My two cents. I know you’re saying you’re giving without wanting in return. If that’s true, then give the gift to someone else. It shouldn’t matter, right? 😉 My suspicion is that this is not a true statement.

    I don’t want to make you wrong. I’d want to feel really confident about my motives before I start acting on them. To thine self be true.



  279.  #279tinque on November 23, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    sia – seaweed is delicious. well some of them are. some are very strongly flavored. it’s also really yummy toasted in a pan. you can try adding some fresh rosemary. eat as a snack. trader joe’s now carries a seaweed snack pack. I love it.
    xxoo



  280.  #280sia on November 23, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    tinque, i am feeling super suspicious that you are pulling my leg :))))))



  281.  #281tinque on November 23, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    Hmm, interesting take SS. I saw it differently.
    Leo has been from what she says overfunctioning and not allowing him to give which would also cause him to back off some. I see the decrease in affection arising from this.
    Yet he still offers her roses from the garden, maybe in hopes of not being rebuffed?
    I hear her really wanting to keep the traditions going, and they have been together a long time. If this was a new relationship, I would be right there with you in this. But she’s wanting to do this for him from the heart, no expectations, no agenda.
    xxoo



  282.  #282tinque on November 23, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    Now would I do that Sia? Well yeah maybe I would, but I’m not here. Truly seaweed is yummy. Hijiki is one of my favorites, Kelp is also really good. Wakame is strong, not a favorite.
    xxoo



  283.  #283sia on November 23, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    what do you mean you would but are not here?



  284.  #284sia on November 23, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    you mean not enough close to pull it off physically, right?



  285.  #285The Nikita Show on November 23, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    Ooh!

    I love this seaweed/flexibility connection.

    I haven’t been eating much seaweed the last year and I feel so stiff- !!!!!

    Which feels horrible and limiting, literally!

    I believe this because I have been eating seaweed since I was 4!!! And I only recently stopped! People used to always comment in how flexible I am.

    Tinque!

    Have you heard of this? Seaweed for flexibility???



  286.  #286Leo on November 23, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Simply Shannon-

    thanks for your answer.

    I thought of this “Giving me roses” also as “him stepping up”. I interpreted it the same why.

    This giving gifts thing around this time…
    For me this aint true. I rather give and receive gifts all year around, especially if one isn’t expecting it, cause it brings more joy!

    I don’t know much about this water-wheel-tool. But I think I got a gist of it.

    And actually…I do really enjoy making this calender… And I just do one every year. And cause he was/is the most important person in my life (beside myself) I made one for him.
    Now that I thought of it…. my best girlfriend is visiting us on the weekend of the 3rd. I could make her one. She would love it.

    So I do understand what you mean by I should let him step up more before I give something back.
    But it’s so hard…cause I enjoy(ed) it.

    And another thing about it…. My girlfriend with her little daughter is visiting US. So…he’d see/know me giving her the calender.
    And I wouldn’t feel good about this…
    I know I have to put myself first and listen to my feelings and do not care as much about his feelings….
    But I don’t feel like seeing him feel neglected or sad…

    So than rather I don’t make one… cause that would make me feel miserable then.

    Gosh….i am confused and scared to make the old mistakes again….
    I know what I want: A great and healthy and fun relationship.
    But i am thinking so much about how to act…it scares me, annoys me, confuses me, and makes me sad.



  287.  #287tinque on November 23, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    sia I mean that I love to tease people, pull their legs, but I’m being serious and genuine about seaweed.
    I totally forgot about nori which you can buy in sheets and eat straight out of the package.

    Yes Nikita I have heard of seaweed for flexibility. It’s a wonderful joint lubricant too.
    xxoo



  288.  #288sia on November 23, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    thank you tinque

    ‘I’m being serious and genuine about seaweed’

    sounds genuinely funny out of context, love it



  289.  #289Daria on November 23, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    Hey! I’ve heard of it dammit. And I’m enough.

    It’s the kelp in particular that helps w the flexibility. And it should be a lot of kelp. I say get it in Bulk from Maine coast seavegetables.



  290.  #290Leo on November 23, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    @ Tinque + Simply Shannon:

    I think that I pushed him away cause of my overfunctioning. I have always been a very caring, nurturing person that looooves to give. My mom called me a “harmony-person”. Which was true with her in my childhood- i rather did what she said so no fight would be created (but for other reasons, e.g. me being afraid that a fight between us would create stress for her and her husband (my stepfather) and that they might break up, cause i have seen her in another break up before, where she suffered horribly)

    But this harmony thing only partially applied when i was round anybody else than her.

    I did over function a lot around my man and didn’t give him much of a chance to do things for me, to spoil me.

    So now I try to lean back and I think that might be a reason why he got the roses, yes.



  291.  #291Daria on November 23, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    I’m with Ss it sounds like leo’s overfunctioning, worrying about him Ferling neglected, felt awkward pulling back and felt bad when he complained.

    It’s not the calendar, thatight be lively. It’s the innershift to putting herself squarely in the feminine role.



  292.  #292tinque on November 23, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    Leo – Giving is fine, wonderful even in an established relationship as long as you’re clear that you have no expectations attached and as long as you’re not smothering and mothering and as long as you let him do for you too.
    You’ll find the right balance for you, AND this confusion you have about doing/saying the right thing will sort itself out too.
    xxoo



  293.  #293The Nikita Show on November 23, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    Daria,

    Lol,

    I didn’t know u were still on- I saw tinque!
    I was on my phone and didn’t read everything yet anyway,
    Why kelp, why….is it omega??? Why why why…

    Why is it good for flexibility and how did u hear of it?



  294.  #294tinque on November 23, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    Yes I second that Daria. Well said.
    xxoo



  295.  #295The Nikita Show on November 23, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    Damn!!!!!!!!

    I just came home from Trader Joes waaaaahaaaaaaa I could have had a seaweed snack pack waaaaaaaaaaa

    I wasn’t paying enough attention…..and now I feel too lazy to go out….besides traffic is getting thick now 🙁



  296.  #296Daria on November 23, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    Nikita – hehe :).

    What is omega?

    I dono why kelp… Maybe cuz it looks stretchy like a muscle?

    That’s what Lou said. I think he may be right. I also like Dulse to munch on, gives me confidence.

    He said dulls will do something diff as far as flexibility.

    He was insistent on kelp. I tried kelp I felt the flexibility..,

    Nit sure I felt it with dulse.

    Double blind experiments anyone?



  297.  #297tinque on November 23, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    Nikita – because…
    it’s the abundance of minerals and its mucilaginous properties. it gets all the juices flowing nicely (use your imagination).
    xxoo



  298.  #298tinque on November 23, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    I think she means omega 3s and 6s found in some fishes.
    If you go to Susun Weed’s site and search for seaweed articles, she explains the many, many benefits of seaweed. On a quick perusal, I didn’t see anything on flexibility, but I know it’s true. I’m sure I’ve read her saying so.
    xxoo



  299.  #299Simply Shannon on November 23, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    Daria, double blind experiment? LOL!

    Dorothea, Just reading back through the posts. I feel happy reading your recent update! I would love to hear more. This is quite a difference from recent posts. The leaning back and doing for Dorothea seems to be working. Jedi mind tricks? 😉



  300.  #300Leo on November 23, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    Thank you for helping me with this.

    @Daria: I don’t worry genereally that he might feel bad or neglected or something if I don’t make one for him. As I said: He is happy when he gets one but no pressure there. And if I don’t feel like making one – well to bad for him.
    But i wouldn’t feel comfortable making one for my girlfriend and handing it to her WHILE he is standing right next to us. Cause he definitely would be aware of the fact that he didnt get one…
    I just wouldn’t feel comfortable in this kind of situation, either two for the both or none!

    But…the thing is… yes, I want a healthy, happy relationship, which includes for me, too, that my man doesn’t feel bad.
    A relationship is about TWO people… That’s a thing I might have forgotten, yes it’s not ONLY about HIM. That’s why i am stopping this overfunctioning and nurturing. But a relationship in my belief is neither ONLY about ME.
    So I do want to stop that ONLY HE can make me happy, cause that isn’t true. But it would be a lie if i’d say he doesn’t make me happy at all.
    So to turn this around: I do also want to make him happy (once in a while).

    But still I think i WON’T do the calender thing this year… (although i still get tommy ache when i think that thought).
    Cause we do exchange little gifts on the 6th…

    so hard… 😀



  301.  #301The Nikita Show on November 23, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    Hehe…..juices…….hehe



  302.  #302Daria on November 23, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    Leo – relationship is TWO people, but the effort and the giving comes from the man…

    the openess and receiving comes from the woman (and that’s a plenty challenging, to do Nothing, and receive)



  303.  #303The Nikita Show on November 23, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    Dorothea!

    You like this yerba maté better than coffee now? Is that how you stopped? I want to stop needing coffee in the morning….it requires dairy and I’d like to stop drinking so much…. So how did you switch???



  304.  #304Daria on November 23, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    I asked my mom for help with the phone and she helped me!!!

    omg i used feeling messages.. i looked panic stricken

    I hugged her and almost cried afterwards

    still feeling a lil overwhelmed

    Now to get a ride from a man this week to get the sneaky 30 dollars back to the DUI office

    lol!

    I feel so good that I asked her!

    my friend was going ot help me … but that wouldve involved giving up the DUI money

    now, I have 20 dollars in paypal to pay somehow my new actual bill (my phone goes off again tomorrow – but my NUMBER is safe)

    feeeling like woozy



  305.  #305tinque on November 23, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    why can’t you drink coffee black?



  306.  #306Daria on November 23, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    I WANT YERBA MATE!!!



  307.  #307Leo on November 23, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    I know…. and I have still trouble seeing relationship this way…
    Cause it really is my nature to do that…give… and most times with no expectations in mind.

    (as soon as I want to write “so no calendar this year” my tommy starts aching 😀 damn it)



  308.  #308tinque on November 23, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    up to a cup a day is actually good and for women in particular, helps with an easing of depression.



  309.  #309Daria on November 23, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    correction Lou said Dulse is good for other stuff, like confidence (all seaweed) and iodine , but not nearly as much for flexibility as kelp

    Lou is a pretty damn smart guy I’ve tried a lotta stuff he said and found it lifechanging

    BUT he just knows what HE knows… and he’s a guy

    He told me EFT won’t get the issue out of the tissue

    I dono i dono

    ikinda feel him i kinda dont on that one

    both

    he’s very man – its THIS way – kinda guy

    I think he may be strongly Aspergerish too… he’ll interrupt while im talking and talk a lot and the way he writes is

    disorganized and disjointed

    if you check his website, you’re likely to get lost down that rabbit hole

    backfixbodywork.com

    but there ARE gems everywhere

    esp the emotional release stuff

    AND HE WILL HELP YOU FOR FREE!!!

    if you call him and tell him you need help

    really.

    For free.

    yup.

    not for 7000 dollars like Erika

    for free.

    amazing knowledge



  310.  #310Daria on November 23, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    Leo – your tummy starts aching because it feels uncomfortable and scared that this new behavior will

    lead to you feeling rejected or abandoned

    this happened a lot with me too as i pulled back with overfunctioning

    but once i was able to tolerate my Own uncomfortable feelings of TERROR

    i felt much stronger

    MUCH MUCH stronger

    and was able to be clear on what felt good and how the energy exchange works



  311.  #311Simply Shannon on November 23, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    Leo, it’s my nature to give as well. The thing is that it feels really uncomfortable to just receive. It’s actually harder to be the recipient. Do you find that to be true too? Like when I get a surprise gift and have no clue why I deserved it? Awkward! This is why I have typically been the one to give (and not to ask for help). It feels more comfortable for me that way. Never mind that the person receiving my gift is the one feeling uncomfortable. The horrors!

    So in a way you are giving your BF the gift of no uncomfortable feelings by NOT giving him a calendar. 😉



  312.  #312life_is_too_short_to... on November 23, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    300. Daria
    “relationship is TWO people, but the effort and the giving comes from the man…

    the openess and receiving comes from the woman (and that’s a plenty challenging, to do Nothing, and receive)”

    That’s going on my wall.

    Hey, jung-guy is going to give me a challenge with this. Wants to know “what’s in it for him” to pay all the time, open the doors, etc. and what about all of this is not just male/female stereotypes.

    what do you suggest I tell him, besides
    what’s in it for you is that by giving to me you will make me feel most feminine, happy, feel special and beautiful, valued, taken care of, secure and feeling and knowing that is what is in it for you

    **LiFe**



  313.  #313Daria on November 23, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    I used to give give give hehe!

    I used to give people rides for free as my good deed of the day

    I used to always keep my phone on in case on of my brothers needed me in the middle of the night

    I used to make everyone of my brothers gifts for christmas

    these are like my friends/godbrothers

    I even made guywhohadababy’s bed so he could sleep in it with another girl!

    I used to wait 45 minutes for them outside because they needed a ride

    i used to buy all of us food

    and drink

    and come with a present

    and ALWAYS GAVE

    All of this happily

    it made me happy to give

    cuz i thought this was holy

    i got appreciated

    and …

    now that i stopped giving…

    even tho i dont see them as much, everyone is busy and i dont really call them myself

    EVERYONE STILL APPRECIATES ME!!

    I wasn’t happy, I was happy then crushed, happy then crushed

    now i am squarely Happy

    I live in a different world of loving self and not so at the mercy of the outside

    I love me

    I love Rori for helping me here!



  314.  #314Daria on November 23, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    life is wonderful –

    jung guy needs to shove it

    ew what a turn off

    I FEel angry hearing that

    but… maybe the first time

    what’s in it for the man?

    “well, i’m not interested in a man that doesn’t see spending time with me as enough … that would feel bad to me… and i don’t want to feel that way.. what do you think?”

    man: its 50 50

    “oh… I feel a lil concerned… I feel better with Romance… i feel good when I am able to be the woman and open to appreciate and receive a man’s attention and efforts to make me happy… what do you think?”

    keyword here: ROMANCE – sparks off romance thoughts has turned around many a 50 50 for me, at least at first as much as he could



  315.  #315Daria on November 23, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    Life is good – what you said sounds good too…

    but i wouldnt EXplain to him whats in it for him… even tho he asked

    i would still use feeling messages and dont wants



  316.  #316The Nikita Show on November 23, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    303: tinque says:

    why can’t you drink coffee black?

    Tuesday, 23 November 2010 @ 1:05pm

    Meh! Bah!! Blech!!!

    Espresse black, yes.

    I love creamy yummies….like chai!

    But I want more kick!!!

    I like kick!

    I bought hemp milk.

    Black coffee! Blech!

    Maybe if I had a press! Lol



  317.  #317Leo on November 23, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    @daria: Yes, that’s exactly the reason for me feelings weird and uncomfortable… I am afraid of getting neglected and ignored myself.
    And it’s still hard to believe that this won’t happen.
    And I am afraid that I interpret too many of my actions as overfunctioning…so that at the end I really do too less… this still scares me.

    But lets face it: I won’t do the calender. And as I feel uncomfortable I start to look at it from a different point (at ME): Cause it is quite some efford I would be willing to invest but on the other hand it’s nice to have that time off, too. And it’s not looking so well on my bankaccount either (although that calender wouldnt cost that much…)

    No calendar! *urhg

    @Simply Shannon:
    Well sometimes it’s easier to receive, sometimes it’s harder. It depends on what I receive (e.g. the amount of many or time invested) and by whom.

    I too rather get things done on my own rather than ask for help. Which wouldn’t be a big deal for e.g. my parents to help me but i rather “suffer” a little.

    So now… i think: I don’t give him the calender…cause he might be uncomfortable or even thinks he needs to give me something back for it which puts pressure on him.

    (ok…i am really trying to believe now what I am writing :D:D:D)

    Thanks to you two, a lot!
    Was great advice.
    And actually: I DO feel a lot better now.



  318.  #318life_is_too_short_to... on November 23, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    I’m wondering if he’s wondering how soon he’s gonna get some action. I hate thinking that, because it may not even be true. But that statement, “what’s in it for me” or “what do I get out of this” made me feel a little pressured.

    I did respond, you get to be in my company and appreciation.

    He said, I could get a dog. I’m sure he was half-kidding…i didn’t feel offended.

    Then I just said, well, it is up to the man how he feels about the woman.

    So, yeah, if the woman is not special enough to make her different from his dog, then, he will not want to spend money, time, etc, on her,

    and if “special enough” means getting sex, then it is what it is.

    But I am not feeling that is the case with jung-guy.

    I feel curiousity and trying to sort out how he feels,

    and this may be my chance to show him how to really be the man in a relationship, esp since he goes for older women who may very well have kind of taken care of him in the past.

    **LiFe**



  319.  #319life_is_too_short_to... on November 23, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    Thanks, Daria, you’re the best 🙂

    **Life is good and wonderful**



  320.  #320Daria on November 23, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    Leo – yes, it MAY happen right! You may receive encounter behavior that feels BAD, or not – you are now NOT in control

    VULNERABLE … and its new behavior on your part… you feel scared, terrified

    and… this is important…

    you can HANDLE THIS!

    you can handle ANYTHING

    and you will SEE, the inner you that watches will see you handle it…

    and you will FEEL STRONGER… you will TRUST yourself !

    babysteps!

    you’re doing great!



  321.  #321Daria on November 23, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    Life Rocks- hehe thanks! hehe raises shoulders and giggles…

    well, jung guy may be all up in his head, JUNGING and philosophisizing and stuff

    yeah why have male and female genders at all etc etc gender bias

    well

    it’s cuz it FEELS good in relationship

    men are NOT in touch with their deep feelings, they are in touch with their immediate feelings…

    so he won’t know that it FEELS good, till he does it, and even then he may not really understand what it is that feels good

    which is why you hear so many men complaining about taking care of women when actually they would feel great to do so (and be appreciated)

    TALKING about it with him, philosophy… is one thing… it may even turn to feeling bad… it COULD be fun, as a sideline hobby, debating discussing, just like rockclimbing, or ice hockey, or golf,

    but not as a foundation for relationship

    the actual DANCE is the foundation. the women sharing feelings and the man giving to her

    soo… it may not even pay off to intellectually discuss with him… i remember i used to try this with men

    I would just share about ME and what i don’t want in feeling messages

    not necessarily get all discussy about it



  322.  #322The Nikita Show on November 23, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    Mr.Big spends TONS of money on the dog 🙂

    She gets lots of stuff 😉

    I feel better watching him buy her stuff because he bought me jewelry for my b-day but had he not, I think I’d feel very
    Less than 🙁 or just plain jealous! And angry! But I love that she gets toys and he takes care of her vet bills and food and EVERYTHING but she’s MY puppy 🙂
    Yay!

    Dogs are like family! But I’m mama! And mama is happy 🙂



  323.  #323Leo on November 23, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    Hi Girls!

    Thanks again for your advice!

    I just send a very feely-message to my man and feeling good about it!

    And now I am going to bed with all this awesome feelings in my head!
    Thanks for that!

    Love!
    Leo!



  324.  #324The Nikita Show on November 23, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    I’m feeling inspired to reread the 4 agreements….I’m staring at it, I feel their may be a message there. I feel called…

    Daria,

    I just sent a text to the libra- 🙂

    I feel very ME! I feel a little fluttery in my chest now but I don’t NEED him to respond. I just wanted to share something and say happy holiday 🙂

    I wonder if I feel him getting the text and now I feel him – I feel linked in…. I feel a little ego tug that I “should” have no contact and “show him”….. But I don’t feel leaned back- I felt withholding. . . .because I’m still ignoring his friend request -lol!

    But yay! I feel healed from this!!! I feel like the abundant goddess that is overflowing with so much love that it just spills over….oh this feels luscious! I love it 🙂



  325.  #325life_is_too_short_to... on November 23, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    319 Awesome Daria

    OMG, it has become SO second nature for me to explain and philosophize and discuss.

    But, I agree with everything you said here!
    esp insightful about them not knowing their deep feelings, only their immediate feelings.

    The debating discussing, is not a good foundation for the kind of relationship I want.

    I already felt that, but it is going to take real practice to use the feeling messages, but this is going to be a lot of fun, too, I suspect!



  326.  #326Simply Shannon on November 23, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    I am having a surreal conversation with my ex right now. He announced a few weeks ago that he is getting married. I felt numb when he told me. Then awful thinking about my boys. Making all sorts of judgments about his decision. It’s too fast, how can she love him? How can he love her?

    And I’m using feeling messages with him. And he’s responding like a champ.

    I feel turned on. This feels hella weird. I control the universe. Haha!



  327.  #327The Nikita Show on November 23, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    I don’t “sell” myself to a man. That’s convincing. Convincing is an action. I’m a girl….I prefer being over acting 😉

    Whats in it for me?

    Wha?

    Who called who?

    Who asked who out?

    Wow.

    I feel sad hearing what’s in it for me….I feel scared….I feel unsure about that question. I can’t tell a man what’s in it for him. I trust a man to know what he wants. He wants me or he doesn’t…..I am not a negotiator…negotiating feels bad.

    🙁

    Pout.

    I don’t know what’s in it for you….hmph!! Only YOU know that. You are a man, right?

    Hehehe 😉



  328.  #328life_is_too_short_to... on November 23, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    325. Very cool, Nikita, I feel it and am gonna use this energy!
    Thanks 🙂



  329.  #329Daria on November 23, 2010 at 1:53 pm

    Wow Shannon!



  330.  #330Daria on November 23, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    I got my phone on till tomorrow 😀



  331.  #331The Nikita Show on November 23, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    SS,

    Hehe.

    Juices flowing?

    Hehe…

    Eating seaweed? Huh? Kelp? Dulse?

    Hehe

    yum, sea weed 🙂



  332.  #332Daria on November 23, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    I am feeling odd that i no longer have all that ANGUISH to focus on and cry about. i was “working” so hard and putting so much effort

    and i did take lots of babysteps to not having a goal and just loving myself in the situation

    and it was great

    i actually took LOTS of babysteps

    i asked about 10 yes 10 men to HELP ME WITH MONEY!!!

    AND… i was able to hear NO, and not feel angry at them or be attached

    this can help me a lot in business and life now

    I am less scared of rejection, and feeling unworthy now than before

    yay for babysteps Daria



  333.  #333The Nikita Show on November 23, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    🙁

    I feel mildly excited to see if Libra responds 🙁

    Blech!

    I don’t like that.

    That feels off.

    Something feels off with this eagerness.

    Now I feel like changing my phone number! Lol-

    Ugh! For sure I can’t be his friend lol

    I don’t like this feeling.

    This feels like tight breathing-shallow breath…

    Blech!

    Very subtle but, off 😉

    meh!

    Ok, no more of that leaning forward stuff- blech!



  334.  #334Daria on November 23, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    Here’s a cool one from Bob Grant courtesy of Siren to Siren Networking:

    i Love the first one! I can do THIS more . MORE appreciating… of his looks, his attitude, when he said that thing… wow i really like that… i feel scared to do this because I feel scared (what if he doesnt compliment ME enough an di take over… I am going to EXPERIMENT with jsut expressing it and see how I feel… maybe if he Doens’nt compliment me enough, this will make it clear)

    The second one, I don’t agree to tell him what to do… I’d rather be surprsied the Rori way… and ask him what he THINKS. I bet he will figure out something… and that will help both of us

    Excerpt from Email:

    1. He wants you to share when you’re proud of him…

    If you don’t know how men think, then let me tell you a secret – men really like to show off. Just be
    sure it’s something you really do like because if you praise him, you’ll likely get more of it.

    2. He wants you to share when you’re upset, and let him know what he can do to help.

    What’s important is that you share that you’re upset – when you’re upset…not days or weeks later. I
    realize that this is vulnerable, but when you bring up something later, he’ll have already forgotten the
    event and wonder why you waited so long to mention it. What’s also important is to give him a task that
    he can do to help you when you’re upset. If you just want him to listen – tell him that. Don’t expect
    him to “just know” what you need. A man often feels helpless just sitting there while you’re hurting.
    He wants to do something – anything – to fix it. Ask him to listen, and when he does, reassure him that
    his listening makes you feel special in his eyes.

    3. He wants you to share when you’re excited and happy…
    If only more women only understood how important it is for a man to be able to make you happy, it
    would change the complexion of many a relationship. Remember, men aren’t nearly as intuitive as are your
    girlfriends. Men learn by watching your reaction. Men think like this…

    A good reaction (full of nice happy feelings) means do this more.

    A bad reaction (when you cry or get upset) means don’t do that again.

    Yes ladies, men really are that simple….



  335.  #335Daria on November 23, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    Nikita – LOOOOOL glad to see you feeling your feelings….

    how about just accepting his friend request instead hehe



  336.  #336The Nikita Show on November 23, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    Daria,

    Yay!

    How did you do it?

    Did u call the company or was there magic???



  337.  #337Daria on November 23, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    that is to say I got it from a Siren and am sharing it here …



  338.  #338Daria on November 23, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    it was mom love magic and feeling message I need help and i feel ashamed and scared to ask … Pause magic



  339.  #339The Nikita Show on November 23, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    333

    Meh!

    I don’t feel trusting enough –

    I know he is friends with women he has dated.

    I don’t want them knowing me. Looking at me.

    I also like to be silly and I don’t want to feel self-conscious about that 🙁

    Damn pimps 🙁



  340.  #340Daria on November 23, 2010 at 2:13 pm

    Mom – is starting to appreciate me… like last nite she said a big thank you for me doing the dishes!

    I have been doing the family dishes the past couple of months

    I started to enjoy it while they were gone on that vacation… I did that tranformative magic and sang while washing it… so now I find it enjoyable



  341.  #341Daria on November 23, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    Nikita – fuc*k em!

    maybe it would expand yoru comfort zones to display yourself openly

    I am considering expanding my confort zones by selecting that i smoke weed in the DRUG section of the DUI class forms

    but I opted not to in case in the future i want to be president and they pull my files … tho already i got background stuff sooo….

    I am scared of KGB like security still in my fears since growing up in faux-communist dictatorship



  342.  #342Daria on November 23, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    not to mention criminalization of narcotics in faux-democratic US



  343.  #343tinque on November 23, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    May I say something about giving please?
    I totally agree that most women overfunction and to learn how to lean back and receive is a marvelous gift for you and for him. And Rori’s work is amazing for this.
    A man does indeed receive great pleasure in making his woman happy.
    When a couple has been together for awhile and are well established and great together, a flow will begin to take place between them.
    Sometimes a woman will give from her heart; she will take care of her man, cook for him, bring him soup when he’s sick, buy him a gift for his birthday, or write him a poem, SOMETIMES, when she feels moved to do so.
    The key here is in her energy and her attitude. She gives with no expectation, no agenda. She gives because she’s inspired to, not because she feels compelled.
    Yes writhing in ecstasy because my man has given me amazing orgasms is one of the biggest gifts I can give him. Smiling at him when he comes home because I’m SO happy to see because he makes me feel good is also a great gift to him.
    He makes me feel great. He then feels great.
    But I work from home. He doesn’t, and he is by far the biggest breadwinner here, so I am happy to cook him a nice meal. I don’t do it every day, but when it feels good to me and I want to, I do.
    I don’t fawn over him. I don’t do anything for him because I think he wants me to. I don’t buy him a present because I’m supposed yo. I do these things because it makes ME happy to do so, genuinely.
    When you have resolved the overfunctioning tendencies, things shift and change inside.
    I’m finding this difficult to verbalize. I hope it makes sense.
    xxoo



  344.  #344Daria on November 23, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    I WANT TO FEEL FREE TO DISPLAY MYSELF AND ALL MY CHOICES PROUDLY

    i don’t want to fear persecution

    i feel sad and small

    i love my fears

    thank you for trying to keep me safe

    I’m gonna embrace you and keep on getting big and feeling good@!!!

    and i wont abandon you



  345.  #345Daria on November 23, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    Tinque – yup, I feel good when I give BACK too…

    but that’s different than feeling scared to NOT give

    and one CAN’t err on the side of NOT giving really, because she’s still feeling tight about it then

    once she feels untight and secure, she’ll Know when she wants to make him a sandwich

    I love that from Tina

    Do i feel like making him a sandwich?

    If im feeling lovely and floaty and full of his love and adored, sure!



  346.  #346Daria on November 23, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    Tryna say,, i feel you Tinque!

    At first tho, pulling back to zero is necessary to learn to pull in the energy to us

    we’re like black hole of energy pullling

    good

    then when we fill ourselves

    it will SPILL out

    it’s like walking on air



  347.  #347tinque on November 23, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    Yes, I’m not disagreeing with this at all. I felt her riding a fine line. Since she has been with him awhile, it would have been okay to make him the calender, BUT her anxiety began leaking out more and more as she posted, so yes on erring on the side of not giving.
    If her energy was cleaner maybe.
    Sorry Leo to talk about you without your presence.
    xxoo



  348.  #348tinque on November 23, 2010 at 2:26 pm

    Yes Daria. I feel you too. My favorite thing to do when I feel empty or numb or depleted is the fountain of love with my own variation. I imagine it more as a gentle rain shower, and the drops that splash down off of me become like the waterwheel, and he gets those drops. They may be the excess, but they have been washed clean with MY love.
    I feel so inarticulate tonight. Sorry.
    xxoo



  349.  #349Daria on November 23, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    reading this from Alana Pratt:

    “And so surrender, sultriness, succulence, absolute
    delicious savoring of a moment is not a goal, but
    a practice, a practice that we GET TO DO because
    most of you reading this don’t have to find food
    today, or shelter, or hide from those who are
    attacking you.”

    YOU ARE WRONG ALANNA!!!

    we GET to do this EVEN WHEN those things are happening

    we GET to do this because we are human, because we are blessed

    because Happiness and Love happens even in the trenches, even homeless, even hungry

    because Maslow Didn’t get it right

    I feel angry reading that Alanna

    I feel UNSEEN

    our inner worlds are fraught with dangers

    and yet we GET to do this anyway…

    we are Blessed to have found it

    and we are blessed with it even in dire awful feeling circumstances

    i Reject that which feels shamy and guiltmaking

    i reject that somenoe suffers more or less than me

    i LOVE ME

    i HONOR ME

    and I GET and WILL HAVE THIS BLESSED POWER TO LOVE MYSELF

    no matter WHAT persecuted, hungry cold, adored, full, comfortable

    it is MY GIFT AS HUMAN

    that has found my Divinity

    ANGER

    ANGER

    at not being seen

    love me



  350.  #350Daria on November 23, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    Tinque – hmm… whats IN this feeling of inarticulateness?



  351.  #351tinque on November 23, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    tiredness from moving and horniness. I am waiting for the man to come home and take care of ME.
    xxoo



  352.  #352Daria on November 23, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    lol!



  353.  #353The Nikita Show on November 23, 2010 at 2:45 pm

    Yes writhing in ecstasy because my man has given me amazing orgasms is one of the biggest gifts I can give him.-tinque.*

    I felt a little triggered when I got to this line. I am going to take the liberty of exploring it to see where I end up because*(drumroll please), I feel safe with Tinque. I feel safe with her observing or not observing my process about this “sexy word image” trigger 😉

    So, as My eyes light on the words I see a picture…I see a red haired/chestnut brown woman with long hair…milky complexion. On her back. On the bottom of a man-dark-haired..he has a muscular back…I see only his shoulders….olive complexion….she is on white sheets….one pillow near her head….she is in an S shape on a queen size bed(maybe King)….my view is from the ceiling….I hear her….I don’t hear him…but I feel his inhale…and the rustling of his thrust….she slides down a foot on her back…sort of coiling…and grimacing…rosy cheeked….capillaries full of blood…she’s flushed….he was wearing khaki colored slacks, they are on the floor to his right…..the light is on but is is a soft lamp…..it is night-time….I don’t see the other pillow…I get a feeling it is lower….

    I get this feeling I am in a room observing something and they don’t know I’m there. They do not see me….it feels like astral projection….I can feel the electricity of sex in the room… I don’t smell anything. I feel a little embarrassed that I am looking over his shoulder….this feels rude?….awkward….should I let them know? I feel confused. I feel aroused. I feel a little guilty for being there. I don’t feel invited. I don’t know where the door is. I feel upset. Did they tie me to a chair and force me to watch a tape? Why have they set up a camera on their ceiling? Why do try want me to see?……hmmm…now I feel angry. I feel sad. Do they know I see them? I better not say anything I don’t want them to be embarrassed in case…..I feel confused and frustrated…I don’t know what to feel….why did this happen…..how did this happen?…..oh no!, are there going to be more surprises like this? I feel uncomfortable and concerned about walking in on someone else…yikes! I need to run!, get out of here!, I don’t feel safe….I don’t like all these feelings, this is too much…!! Skip it!skip it! Skip it!- no feel turned on!….what?….you are supposed to feel turned on!….no, I don’t want to feel turned on by spying! I’m not a peeping Tom!! I have my own sex life I don’t need to sneak into someone else’s



  354.  #354Daria on November 23, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    Fear of Anger – Yours and Others
    By Dr. Margaret Paul
    November 22, 2010

    ——————————————————————————–
    Does your own and others’ anger terrify you? Discover how to move beyond your fear of anger.
    ——————————————————————————–

    Are you terrified of others’ anger? Are you afraid to open to your own anger for fear of getting out of control?
    If you grew up in an angry or violent home, there is a good possibility that you have a fear of both your own anger and others’ anger.

    Fear of Others’ Anger

    I grew up with a very angry mother and I was terrified of her anger. Her anger was irrational and it came out of nowhere. My whole body used to shake when she got angry.

    For years as an adult, I continued to be terrified of anger, as I had no idea how to take care of myself in the face of another’s anger. When you don’t know how to respond to another’s anger, your fight, flight or freeze response gets activated, and for me it was freeze. I would become so frozen that I was unable to say much at all. When I could talk again, I would try to explain, defend, or scurry around trying to please.

    Now I’m no longer afraid of others’ anger. I still shake inside if the anger is irrational, and now I know the shaking is my inner guidance letting me know that danger is occurring, and I listen carefully to what my inner guidance is telling me.

    I’m no longer afraid because I know what to do. I know that I no longer have to stand there and take it like I did as a little girl. I know that I can either move into an intent to learn about why the other is angry or I can lovingly disengage. If I think the person might open with me, I gently say, “I hear that you are angry and I’d like to understand why you are angry, but it will be much easier for me to hear you if you stop attacking me.”

    If I’m pretty sure that the person won’t open, then I say something like, “This feels hurtful so I’m going to take a walk. Let me know when you are ready to talk without blaming me.”

    The fact that I can now do one of these two things takes away my fear. My inner child knows that I, as a loving adult, am going to take care of the situation so that she isn’t hurt by it as she was as a child.

    Fear of Your Anger

    Many people who grew up with violence do not want to be anything like their angry parent or caregiver. They are afraid that if they get angry, they will become irrational and hurtful like some of adults were when they were growing up.

    If you have this fear, it is important for you to understand the difference between anger intent on controlling – which comes from an out of control wounded person and is very scary – and anger intent on learning. When your intent is to learn from your anger rather than dump it on someone else in the form of attack and blame, then you embrace your angry feelings as information. Your angry feelings are telling you that there is some way you are not taking care of yourself – some way you are abandoning yourself. When you consistently move into learning from your anger rather than act it out on others, you lose your fear of your anger.

    All our emotions are informational, and our anger is no different. When you open to learning from your own anger, and you open to learning with another who is angry or you lovingly disengage, you will heal your fear of anger.



  355.  #355The Nikita Show on November 23, 2010 at 2:49 pm

    I’d like to add that I have been known to write erotica and considered doing a book. I also used to read erotica and owned a few books. I like very little of it though. So I just started writing my own….

    Hmmm….dunno why I feel triggered and everyone else is so comfy…. Ok….still processing



  356.  #356Daria on November 23, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    Nikita – cool! sounds like past life energy to me



  357.  #357Daria on November 23, 2010 at 2:58 pm

    I feel excited about my idea to make Video Tools for Goddess Dating

    but…

    how would I set this up as a business?

    i feel lost about that

    I don’t know how to make money with stuff

    feelign heavy with that

    I know i could make the videos and upload them to youtube for Free…

    but a business I dono how

    it would turn into a business



  358.  #358Daria on November 23, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    Hmm… maybe like this!

    “So How Will The Coaching Program Work?
    Each of the first five modules will be scheduled to be released one week at a time and is broken down for your convenience into individual videos almost like chapters, so that you’re able to go back at any time for quick reference.

    This content in this program is specifically designed to save you time by breaking it down into easy to absorb bite sized chunks. That’s partially to keep you motivated, but also so that you’re able to go and learn at your own pace.

    Then during those 5 weeks, on each Tuesday we’re going to hop on a live group coaching call where I will answer any of your burning questions that you may have about that week’s lesson.”



  359.  #359Daria on November 23, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    Maybe I can also make a blog like Rori’s but with Video!



  360.  #360Brenda on November 23, 2010 at 3:01 pm

    Meemee,

    RE: #168 – You said, “I felt so embarrassed and I did not bring it up again. When I told him about that he always replied he will be careful and I never felt so.

    I do enjoy the hugging and kissing and heavy petting. But the times he spent with me were so short that I felt slightly uncomfortable and worried that he will be leaving soon after the act and stuff like that. Also there were long gaps of non communication and then all of a sudden sex when I was unprepared. But I liked spending time with him so I did not object.

    He likes it when I feel the pain. He told me so. He said that adds to the sensuality (whatever that means). He is the only one I ever slept with and I did not know how guys work.”

    No doubt other women have addressed this, and I am totally lost on the blog, because I’ve been so busy.

    I feel ENRAGED when I read HE LIKES IT WHEN I FEEL THE PAIN.”

    That is a very sick statement! Sick! Sick! Sick!

    He does not care about you to do that even one time and not feel sorrow. Yet he has done it repeatedly.

    You have told him repeatedly it hurt. Instead of protecting you and being sensitive to your needs, he took advantage of you and INTENTIONALLY caused you pain for HIS sick pleasure.

    THAT IS SADISTIC.

    Frankly, I don’t need to hear anything more about this man. Unless he does a drastic turn-around and apologizes up and down, and then proves his change over time, I would hope you would have nothing further to do with him.

    THAT IS SEXUAL ABUSE.

    What do you think and feel?



  361.  #361Jagged Mountain on November 23, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    Hi there Rori and Sirens

    This post feels so relevant to me and my circumstances..
    I feel ashamed and angry at my self for having accepted the unacceptable for three years…
    twisted my self in loops to accomodate to his needs for independence…
    I am angry at him for turning me in to his enemy,
    but I know and feel so guilty about it that i had my part in it…
    every time i would try to talk from my needs he would perceive me as a demanding controlling bitch..
    even when I talked from my heart and make sure not to blame him, it end up in an argument..
    deep down I do blame him and at the same time blame my self…

    I know I have to love my self but it feels impossible after so much rejection and abandontment,
    my self-stem is nowhere near…

    when I met him I was a rock star touring the world and he was my fan..

    I have compromised everything for this relationship because I had hope, I believed in him and in my strengh and clarity…

    This time I wasn’t going to run away… when things got nasty I was going to stay!!! but this time it was him the one who runed and because I had done it in the past… I understood where he was coming from so I let him run and and comeback over and over but I didn’t do it gracefully …

    Now I am an angry mess…

    I know that I have to love my self and I try but I feel so drained and exhausted …

    How can one believe again that I am a worthy when I have allowed him to treat me so badly…

    when I have seen my self as a desperate angry worthless woman through his eyes and my actions …

    It’s so difficult to mantain peace within to trust myself again..

    I am scared that he will call again and I will not say NO again.

    I am scared that he will never call and I will be left with this feeling of being used to the end of my possibilities…

    Sorry I don’t know if I am making any sense but I feel so confused and full of pain… and lonely… and punished… I can’t talk to anybody about it ..it’s gone beyond reason..

    I have been reading your blog and posts and trying your programs for over a year.. but to be honest probably for the wrong reasons too..

    I used to believe i was a goddess and a queen but deep down I found that no matter how many years of therapy and healing, I am still that little frustrated girl that didn’t had any right to have any needs..

    I tried CD but couldn’t do it or he would sense it and come back building my hopes again..

    I guess I am reaching out to you for empathy and support …

    from Spain via London

    Jagged Mountain X



  362.  #362The Nikita Show on November 23, 2010 at 3:09 pm

    “What’s important is that you share that you’re upset – when you’re upset…not days or weeks later. I
    realize that this is vulnerable, but when you bring up something later, he’ll have already forgotten the
    event and wonder why you waited so long to mention it. ”

    This feels very in line with what Rori calls “a man feeling safe”……”and thrilled”.

    I feel safer if I can trust you to not hold Sh$t in!!!

    I feel unsafe if you surprise me two weeks later.

    I will feel TRICKEd and ANGRY.

    The Scorpio would do this to me. 🙁

    He would ACT like everything was cool….and say. Nah, don’t worry-I’m ok with it….

    Then! pOW! Surprise! I’m still mad at you, Nikita for what you did two weeks ago.!!

    Huh?????

    What happened two weeks ago???

    You know what you did!

    Wha???? Wow! If I knew what I did why do you think I would ask you what happened? This is game-playing by my definition and this had me feeling angry, unsafe, wrong, vilified, off-balance……and furious!!!!!!!!!
    – if I was a MAN and a girl spoke this way to me?!! Wha?? I’d NEVER call that crazy girl again!! Crazy….

    It’s like somebody that just collects rocks and throws them at you when your sleeping.

    Feels GROSS!

    And that is what I call toxic.

    He got feeling indigestion…. Lol
    And started throwing up stupid fermented stinky feelings….

    Don’t you know feelings are a perishable food item???

    You can’t can that!!!

    Hmph!

    Stuffer, scorpio….I bet he doesn’t feel safe with himself!!!!!!



  363.  #363Daria on November 23, 2010 at 3:10 pm

    I like this chick… I feel overwhelmed tho… buha

    I dont want to feel overwhelmed

    I did learn much about making videos just watching her

    Shoot somewhere elegant

    wear beautiful clothes

    do the blurry background vs clear yet airbrushed face

    Bright colors

    theme music

    Do a part from far away and then a zoom in part

    Memorize what you are saying

    use facial expressions and emotions

    and even use arm movements a lot, even excessively hehe

    hold head up high



  364.  #364Brenda on November 23, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    Jagged,

    Welcome! Can you give compassion to your weak parts? It happens over time, in baby steps. Just start where you are, and do something special for yourself:

    a haircut
    sew a skirt
    a walk in nature
    a pedicure
    wrap up in blankets and get lost in a book



  365.  #365Brenda on November 23, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    Meemee,

    Once I was with a man who was rough with me. It wasn’t anything sadistic, just uncomfortable. But I would tell him repeatedly I like to be touched softly and gently. I think he just wasn’t as sensitive as I wanted. He wasn’t trying to hurt me.

    Then I was with Ryan, and his touches transported me to the stars! Every touch was like a never-ending moment that felt like silk! He could stimulate my clit for 5 minutes soooo slooooowwwly and I would feel like I was about to orgasm! He would kiss me sensually for 5 minutes and I was ready to orgasm! I NEVER had this experience with any other man! Most times, I didn’t even cum with a man. I felt rushed, nervous, uncomfortable. Here Ryan wasn’t even making love to me and I was ready to cum!

    After experiencing that, I could never and would never go back to making love with an insensitive man, much less one who would intentionally cause me pain.

    I dislike X intensely.



  366.  #366Senior Lady Vibe on November 23, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    359: Jagged Mountain says:

    “…Hi there Rori and Sirens
    This post feels so relevant to me and my circumstances..
    I feel ashamed and angry at my self for having accepted the unacceptable for three years…”

    I believe this Rori post is helpful in times of distress:

    “Don’t Let Go, Don’t Resolve, Forget Closure and Stay On Your Horse”

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/marriage/dont-let-go-dont-resolve-forget-closure-and-stay-on-your-horse/#comments

    SLV



  367.  #367Brenda on November 23, 2010 at 3:38 pm

    Meemee,

    RE: #212 – Lorelei said, “I also feel worried that he has other secret women (all the stuff you mentioned previously about how he has to keep you secret for, and he is unable even to explain why)”

    I have wondered that too. Does he say why he keeps you a secret? I wonder how many secrets he has sex with each week? He is using you for sex. That is my conclusion.

    A good man will love you and want to know you spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, and not keep you as a secret.



  368.  #368Senior Lady Vibe on November 23, 2010 at 3:40 pm

    @363: Brenda says:

    “Here Ryan wasn’t even making love to me and I was ready to cum!”

    Brenda, that WAS making love to you…

    SLV



  369.  #369Brenda on November 23, 2010 at 3:42 pm

    Meemee,

    RE: #224 – You said, “I might have acted little bitchy. But I liked it.”

    LOL! Love it! Are you going to write the story of your life someday? It would be an interesting book!



  370.  #370Brenda on November 23, 2010 at 3:43 pm

    SLV,

    There ya go! 🙂 Of course, what I meant was he wasn’t even having sex with me. Yet my sexual experiences with him were better than the best sex I ever had!



  371.  #371Brenda on November 23, 2010 at 3:50 pm

    ‘I’d love to know the boundaries of LOVING ONESELF, because it could turn to selfish. ‘

    Let me take a shot at this one…I have found that if helping you is hurting me, then it is not helping. That is a quote from Delilah, the radio show host Queen of Sappy Love Songs.

    If I start to feel drained when helping you, I am not doing either of us any good. It is then that I take a step back and spend some time alone, recharging, or spend time with God or other friends, recharging.



  372.  #372Senior Lady Vibe on November 23, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    368: Brenda says:

    “SLV,
    There ya go! Of course, what I meant was he wasn’t even having sex with me. Yet my sexual experiences with him were better than the best sex I ever had!”

    Yes, I know what you mean. I’ve heard it said “some people only think ‘cock in the hole… is sex’ and that’s it. That’s not true. ”

    Oh, well… 😛 😳 (Oops, I guess I’ll go to moderation now… )

    SLV



  373.  #373Rori Raye on November 23, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    Brenda – brilliant description of loving yourself…Love, Rori



  374.  #374Brenda on November 23, 2010 at 3:59 pm

    Meemee,

    RE: #253 – You said, “I associated whatever little he gives as “LOVE”. Be it a little time, soothing words (whch he is actually using to get me back into bed), any personal talk. Anything. Anything.
    How do I undo this concept I created in my head!!!!!! I know the healing starts from there.”

    What helped me as I became more aware that I was only in abusive relationships is to find a role model. For a while, my role model was “Hercules” on the TV show from a scene where he met a beautiful woman in the woods. He graciously held her hand as she was seated on a fallen log, and he sat down beside her. He wrapped one arm around her and tenderly rubbed her hand with his other hand. He gazed into her eyes so lovingly, like she was the most valuable, beautiful creature he had ever seen.

    I decided to not let a man into my life unless he treated me with such dignity and respect.

    Years later I met another wonderful man who touched me so gently, even in a hug or handshake. He gazed into my eyes and smiled beautifully into my eyes. I felt valued in his eyes. I felt like a million dollars. Now I must have that feeling with a man or I know he is not the one.

    Do you have a hero? Make it be him, and compare X and all other men to him. Or maybe you could find a special romance novel with a hero and compare men to him to have a gauge for what respectful, loving treatment feels like.

    Does this help?



  375.  #375Brenda on November 23, 2010 at 4:01 pm

    Rori,

    I feel so affirmed by you. Your encouragement means so much to me! Thank you!

    SLV,

    LOL! 😆



  376.  #376Rori Raye on November 23, 2010 at 4:02 pm

    Ragnell – your links don’t work – I mean literally they don’t show…(least not for me…)Rori



  377.  #377Jagged Mountain on November 23, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    Thanks Brenda and Rori for your replies!

    Yes I am doing all that, going to yoga clases booking massages as much I have been going to therapy twice a week back in LOndon but now I can’t aford anymore one to one sessions ..
    I just moved to a new city, Brighton, UK
    after 18 year of London life (I come from Spain originally)
    It was my get away plan from “A man” whom couldn’t wouldn’t fully commit but wouldn’t let me go either…lots and lots of back and forwards…
    When I made my decission he got all excited again and said that he finally was ready for a commitment and wanted to move with me and finally start a new life together…at least give it a good try…
    I moved to a place I don’t know anybody but it’s a beautifull house with amazing surroundings!!
    so I feel gratefull and blessed by this new opportunity!!!

    for me it was a clear boundary that I wasn’t going to carry the toxic pattern in to this new place and that’s what we agreed (with A), he said that he had to take care of his agressivity and search for help etc but 3 weeks after moving the day he was meant to move his stuff down we had an argument and he decided that I was the cause of all his problems and that what he actually needed was to get away from me and not talk to me again.

    So that happened over a week and a half ago and I am not chasing him as I have done and something feels really final but it’s been three years of investment and I miss him or my fantasy of him or my hopes that he would finally step up …

    and I feel really abandoned and lonely

    have I lied to my self all along???

    cold turkey… I guess…

    yes, I read and meditate and look after my daughter and cry and let everything flow but I have been like this for a year and a half… and wonders is this time for real?
    or
    is he going to show up as soon as I feel better enough to not be angry with him and say how sorry and mees up he is and I am going to forgive him again…
    understand him because that’s what you do when you have compassion..
    obviously I lost my self respect and trust that I will protect my self…

    but this time has to be different.

    I’ve loved him beyond my possibilities…

    Thanks for being there…

    X



  378.  #378Brenda on November 23, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    Meemee,

    RE: #259 – I feel relieved to hear you are feeling anger! Whew! Sort of like an unconscious person starting to cough. Thank God! She’s going to make it!

    I will never forget the midnight runs to the city to “rescue” Jim, the alcoholic, thief bum I wasted 1.5 years of my life on. He was grabbing the steering wheel, trying to force me to make a drug run for him. I pulled the car over and refused. He was drunk, and he yelled and yelled at me for about 5 minutes, trying to convince me.

    It felt bad, but it felt normal. I sat there and took it. A passer-by bent over to give Jim an angry look, saying, “Shut up, loud mouth! Quit treating your lady so bad! Why are you yelling at her like that? She didn’t do anything against you! You’re disgusting! Shut up!”

    I felt stunned, and it was at that moment, in 1995, that I began to realize I was allowing myself to be emotionally abused.

    After that, each day was like coming up out of a coma, little by little. I began to get glimpses of the stunning mermaid that lives inside. I began to envision a glorious, loving man treating me like gold.

    And now I’m crying…and still learning.

    You are waking up out of the coma, Meemee.

    We were lost in a blinding world of abuse. Now love is breaking through, and we realize steadily that we can expect pure love from a man. No pain, only pleasure. Go first class all the way, baby!



  379.  #379Brenda on November 23, 2010 at 4:15 pm

    Jagged,

    Sounds like you’re making some fantastic jumps into beauty and life!

    There are other Sirens on here from England… maybe you can connect! I think Lola was wishing there was someone on here from England!

    All the best to you!



  380.  #380Daria on November 23, 2010 at 4:23 pm

    Love these new Roris:

    32: Rori Raye says:
    bittersweet…oMG – I’ve been there! You thing because he’s “not your type” it couldn’t possibly turn out badly. I’ve had that backfire many times. So – the cure? It wasn’t the SEX that did it – it was the INVESTMENT. It was seeing ONLY him. It was exclusivity. It was the Girlfriend Trap. If you Circular Date and refuse to be a “girlfriend” (unless you’re young, not looking for long-term and can handle a non-forever situation) this will not happen to you again. (Okay, you can still be fooled – but your risk is so much less..) I don’t know what went on here, how much you need to learn about how to be with a man to optimize things –but I hope you have at least my ebook to start you off. Love, Rori

    and

    1396: Rori Raye says:
    alex – if you smile at a man warmly, hold eye contact for 5 or 6 seconds, and he doesn’t do anything to speak to you – he’s either married, engaged, with a girlfriend, gay, or feminine energy (and you have to decide if you want to turn boy for him and go up to him and say “Hello, I’ve noticed you, and you’re so handsome I had to say something…” and then smile, and if he doesn’t say anything to keep the contact going – say “Well, I feel awkward,” and turn and go back to what you were doing). Love, Rori



  381.  #381Daria on November 23, 2010 at 4:29 pm

    2190: Rori Raye says:
    sarah – when your self-esteem is higher – you can do anything. Having a lover is a good thing. Exclusivity is something else entirely. YOU keep dating…and don’t pay any attention to this guy unless he’s right in front of you. Whether or not you sleep with him will have no effect on the outcome of the relationship. Love, Rori



  382.  #382Senior Lady Vibe on November 23, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    @Daria

    Great inspiration. Where are you getting these Rori-isms? Are you searching the threads?

    SLV



  383.  #383Senior Lady Vibe on November 23, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    I’ll go do that or something else.

    SLV



  384.  #384Ella on November 23, 2010 at 4:41 pm

    I feel ‘bored’ knot in stomach… disgust, disinterest, disdain. Closed off.

    I feel disappointed.

    I feel judgemental of Mr Action Man and I cross.

    I feel icky about men. To me they are all frogs right now.

    ———————————————–

    Ok so its in text so not ideal but I have just had uber honest text convo with Mr Action Man telling him how I am feeling (turned off etc).

    And I have learnt something… Like I am really intimidated/turned off by people who I perceive to be too moral or ‘good’.

    Basically I am TERRIFIED of being judged. And ultimately surpressed. Like what I felt happened in my last relationship where I think I modified my behaviour and then still felt judged. Also lost, disrespected and untrue.

    I allowed myself to be completely supressed and changed myself to try and please and man and that is so dishonest and hurtful to my soul.

    And I have seen my step sister in law get judged and talked down to by her military husband, who calls her fat (and she is not) and criticises her and I just can’t abide it.

    Mr Action Man is a military man.

    I think whenever I see a man being judgemental if flips a switch in me.

    My ex was so judgemental that I got up and walked out of a few meals bc he was being so disgusting in my eyes.

    Hmmm, interesting how this theme of judgement keeps coming up…

    But I am terrified of being judged and surpressed again, it makes me want to RUN, RUN, RUN…

    into the arms of a bad boy, cus I know I can handle that. Even if he EU I can even handle that because it feels so much better than supression and changing myself, because that is being untrue to myself and feels like ceasing to exist.

    It feels heavy, drol, AWFUL!

    Like all the life juice is sucked out of me and I am not longer myself. And I let this happen to me!

    Well I won’t again. So using Rori’s tools to protect myself AND stay open. Cus I can tell you right now all I wanna do is run away!

    And close myself off.



  385.  #385tinque on November 23, 2010 at 4:41 pm

    Nikita – I feel confused about where your trigger is? Even though your little scenario sounds anxious, I feel excitement therein too. Can I help?
    (I had forgotten you write erotica. I dabbled in it too but got bored with it.)
    xxoo



  386.  #386tinque on November 23, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    Jagged Mountain – This may sound cliche, but it’s true. It takes time to heal. When and if he comes back, you will be in a better place, a more balanced position to make the best decision for you.
    xxoo



  387.  #387Ella on November 23, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    In fact I have been toying with an idea over the last few days… that maybe I don’t want a relationship at all!

    I mean I am happy how I am. I love practicing being a Siren and my most happy/strong times are when I have been single.

    There is nothing I can’t do for myself and using my Siren powers I can always be connected to people.

    I have all the things I want in my life and am happy.

    That fact that I always choose unavailable men points to the fact that on some level I want to avoid intimacy. And I will keep working on connection with people however to be honest I am not sure I want to be married or in a ‘serious’ relationship as I am not sure if that would even feel good to me, even if I was capable of it!

    I am honestly contemplating whether I have been chasing after the wrong thing all along.

    I just want to let go. I want to focus purely on myself and what feels good for me and my family.



  388.  #388Jagged Mountain on November 23, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    SLV

    Thanks I had read that post before

    and it helped me to make the decision to move city

    It felt so reassuring to read it again.

    Thanks

    JM X



  389.  #389The Nikita Show on November 23, 2010 at 4:53 pm

    Tinque,

    I dunno. I just feel squeamish with that kind of sexy talk, I also got bored with writing it….

    I dunno why I feel triggered. I am super introverted so my internal world is VERY vivid. Did you have something in mind?



  390.  #390luzydel on November 23, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    I remember the first time I posted here (formely Luzy). I wanted tips on how tho get him back. Now it has been almost 2 months and I don’t know if I want him nback anymore, sure sometimes I wonder and feel a bit mad, but I don’t need him.

    After learning about CD and keeping my options open I am enjoying the attention of a other men who think I am amazing. Sure I had a few cheap dates, but I have the power to decide if that is what I want or not. I don’t know if “p” will be back and to be honest it doesn’t matter anymore. There is always Next time 🙂



  391.  #391luzydel on November 23, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    I remember the first time I posted here (formely Luzy). I wanted tips on how tho get him back. Now it has been almost 2 months and I don’t know if I want him nback anymore, sure sometimes I wonder and feel a bit mad, but I don’t need him.

    After learning about CD and keeping my options open I am enjoying the attention of a other men who think I am amazing. Sure I had a few cheap dates, but I have the power to decide if that is what I want or not. I don’t know if “p” will be back and to be honest it doesn’t matter anymore. There is always Next time 🙂



  392.  #392Daria on November 23, 2010 at 5:02 pm

    🙂 Luzydel…

    that’s what happened to me too



  393.  #393Ella on November 23, 2010 at 5:07 pm

    “The date would likely flunk as he doesn’t know how to handle
    it.

    The woman states feelings and boundaries he tries again, he Improves… He heals…”

    I like this… kinda like a cycle of healing! 🙂



  394.  #394Dorothea on November 23, 2010 at 5:15 pm

    Janjune 161
    i am sooo lucky because there is a store in my area that sells organic produce for prices that are as low as the regular stuff at the grocery store. some things i bought were even lower prices weeee. it’s called vitamin cottage and theyre opening up all over the country now so maybe there’s one in your state:)



  395.  #395Daria on November 23, 2010 at 5:16 pm

    the men that seemed fem energy etc or a lil strange are all confessing to me how they’ve been hurt and are scared

    awww



  396.  #396Pepe on November 23, 2010 at 5:17 pm

    Luzydel,

    Same here, but when thursday after he said he was taking me to a comedy show and didn’t show up didn’t bother to at least call to cancel our date, i decided to let go of that “relationship”, i went out with 2 friends friday and meat this handsome and adorable guy who ask for my number he’s taking me out friday and i feel excited about that ! the other one casualy contacted me yesterday “how are u ?” like nothing happened,i didn’t answer, i realise that i’ve been tolerating those king of behaviors and been hoping that this time it will be different but i feel tired of all of it and of him. So i decided to stop this and give somebody else a chance and space to give me what i deserved, and that thought makes me feel content, excited and happy with msyself.

    Kisses Sirenas



  397.  #397Daria on November 23, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    oh and that they like me.

    oh and that one guy that said hes nto interested in chasing at the end of the convo

    was texting me and saying he Does like me and we were talking about romance and he feels me

    and i texted him i want to see you in that convo i thought i was texting a diff guy !!!

    but it turned out well cuz now he knows



  398.  #398Dorothea on November 23, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    Soy sirena
    tengo ganas de hacer RIFF en espanol. ahorita mis sentimientos son espanoles. que raro.

    how do you use feeling messages in other languages? I mean, that seems weird to say “Me siento muy ________.” Feelings are built into a form of to-be that is especially for feelings and fleeting conditions. “Je me sens tres ______.” Too weird.

    Some of my CDs only speak Spanish, and I don’t know if I am using feeling messages right with them. I think feeling messages might be built right into the language already…?



  399.  #399Ella on November 23, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    Had to speak to my ex earlier. Feel angry like POW him!

    Grrrrawww, rah rah rah to you Mr Man…

    Bof, bash, pow, smack, pop, plonk!!!!

    decapitated and destroyed by the blue eyed godess!!

    Flashing anger through the skies.



  400.  #400Daria on November 23, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    Dorothea – i say me siento muy…



  401.  #401Daria on November 23, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    me siento triste

    me siento feliz de oyer que me quieres

    me siento ennojada contigo

    tengo miedo … me siento como que tengo miedo?

    how do you say scared… asustada??



  402.  #402Ella on November 23, 2010 at 5:52 pm

    Ha ha…

    Daria, this made me laugh:

    “But you will do this man the Hubert favor in the world.”

    … I want to do someone a ‘hubert’ favour 🙂



  403.  #403Brenda on November 23, 2010 at 5:57 pm

    Tu eres como una guitarra en la noche!



  404.  #404Daria on November 23, 2010 at 5:58 pm

    I am having important text talk with Air Force guy

    as you may guess, I am not a big supporter of US military operations ie war

    he tells me he fules the planes as they go on strikes and that they come back and tell them they killed people etc

    he sees it as defending the house, not invading

    I dont’ see that

    beliefs and thoughts arent real so im being open to him

    Experiment..

    i’ve never dated a military dude cuz I am so against it

    this is my first

    foray

    into this thing i don’t want to be judgemental towarda human

    but i am telling him i dont support this

    while i still like him

    i feel sad

    a bit

    he’s respecting my views and not tryina change my mind

    it feels good that i am able to talk to him this way without feeling attacked or blamed

    but i feel sad

    because i feel so passionately ANGRY about this ish

    and i dont want to be with a man whos mission i don’t support

    like if i was with a pimp…

    i wouldn’t go for it

    he’d have to switch careers

    same with military

    and a cop

    etc

    i have to be able to truly support what my man is doing…

    and if he’s doing something that feels bad… to know that he’s doing it cuz he’s pressed back against the wall and he is doing the best he can…

    i want to Believe in my man’s integrity

    yeah it may be cool on a base, friendly and relaxed, not warlike

    but that’s not the point

    i want to support my man fully

    i don’t want to turn a closed eye that that relaxed easy fueling of planes

    is going to kill a buncha mothafu9ckas

    i mean

    i CAN know it does… and even be like, ok, I am in this situation for now

    but i KNOW

    what this is about

    i don’t want to delude myself or justify it or ignore it

    i feel shaky and pouty

    and heavy in my body



  405.  #405Daria on November 23, 2010 at 6:04 pm

    he did not blame me… hes glad we can talk about it.. he keeps an open mind!

    =)

    this is good

    who knows what will happen!



  406.  #406Ella on November 23, 2010 at 6:10 pm

    Night Sirens

    I feel super yawny.

    Feels good to see so much positive progress and learning on this blog right now.

    xx



  407.  #407Daria on November 23, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    now he’s launching a jet

    im like oh sinking

    but also like oh i feel relieved we talked

    i AM hoping he’ll change his career

    he’ll have to to be with me

    but… i don’t want to tell him what to do

    i was clear i don’t support this…

    its like having a man whos a drug dealer

    except im much more openminded about that

    ok

    lets say a man whos a pimp

    there we go

    sure im fine to date you

    but if you want me for your wife… i don’t want to marry a man who i don’t feel good about what he does

    i want a man who’s mission in life i support

    that would feel safe

    otherwise would feel …. weird, confusing, uncomfortable, i’d feel sad

    like if it was wwii and dude worked at the prison camp

    or if it was present day and he worked at the jail

    im like WTF ARE YOU DOING EVEN DOING THOSE JOBS!!!

    but i accept that people hold beliefs that don’t serve them or their true honest mission

    i know i probably do

    they may be in jobs that don’t look good, and actually be good people

    but around me i want the man to Find that mission and go for it

    i only feel good with that

    im feeling confused…

    imput?



  408.  #408Brenda on November 23, 2010 at 6:14 pm

    The Meemee Show,

    RE: #268 – Just ahead of your post, I read Daria saying Rori told her to use the blog for her therapy! This is what it is here for! Take care of yourself, girl! Write away!

    Why do you work such long hours? Six days a week? That doesn’t sound like taking care of yourself at all!



  409.  #409Daria on November 23, 2010 at 6:17 pm

    do i feel good about myself around him?

    well i feel kinda powerless and helpless and sad that i am with a man who engages in this actions that result in stuff that i feel so terrified and saddened and outraged by

    hmm

    i want to receive this lesson

    i also want to be openminded

    my judgements are not real

    i am judging him as blind

    and i might be just as blind

    who knows

    i Do know what feels bad

    though

    before, i had a boundary that i don’t date men that are in these professions that i don’t feel good about

    but now… i wanted to open up to all men

    and see how i feel around them in particular

    maybe being with me is just what they need to suddenly realize that’s Not what they want

    hmm

    or maybe now

    am i wanting him to change…

    well yes

    but i also feel open to dating him until he decides

    kinda like a man deciding to marry me

    do i like that he’s dating other women?

    no

    but i dont HAVE to drop him…though i could

    i could just keep dating him and let him figure out on his own if he is gonna step up and marry me

    BUt

    i already established that i doint liek hearing about other women

    hmm

    i dont want to marry a man who’s mission in life i can’t fully support

    i feel unsafe and sad and lonely and not “gotten” that way

    but i don’t want to expect a man to match every single one of my jdugements and thoughts

    hmm

    i feel confused again

    Rori?



  410.  #410Brenda on November 23, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    Daria,

    Do you know the background of Mr. Rogers of Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood? He was a green beret in the military. He felt so bad about having to kill people that after he got out of the military, he devoted the rest of his life to helping children learn joy, happiness, peace, etc.

    I felt shocked when I first heard it! He always wore long sleeves to cover his tattoes!



  411.  #411The Nikita Show on November 23, 2010 at 6:40 pm

    Wha?????

    Wow



  412.  #412Siena on November 23, 2010 at 6:51 pm

    Daria, re your biz idea. I love it! The way to make money is to create a container for the money to come in – a womb of sorts – and it will be filled.

    So you list on a piece of paper all the benefits of doing this program with you, and then check with your intuition for a price. Then just tell people about it, letting go of the outcome, and trusting that in the same way you attract men to you, you will attract clients.

    That – in a nutshell – is how to do biz from the feminine space.



  413.  #413Siena on November 23, 2010 at 6:56 pm

    I’ve been having the most interesting yoga classes lately! I’ve been doing hot yoga for about 3 years now, and am finally getting into some deep-stretch positions in my hips.

    As I sink into stretch in my hips, old old painful memories come up. I believe they were actually stored in that deep muscle tissue somehow.

    Today I had a memory of a time when I was very young and fell and sliced my vagina open (ouch, right!?)

    I had totally forgotten about it, and now, 30 years later, it comes to the surface to be healed. Amazing!

    There must be something about storing trauma in the hips, since they are so close to the sexual organs… Don’t you think?

    (just musing here)



  414.  #414Brenda on November 23, 2010 at 6:58 pm

    I’m watching Dancing with the Stars and I just ate pistachio ice cream and my kitties are taking turns coming up to me for pats and kisses. I feel smilkey, and I am going to go snuggle in my big king size bed and snuggle with my puppies and kitties.

    Even tho I don’t have a job yet, I feel optimistic that one is right around the corner. I had a phone interview for a position today that pays a lot more than what I’m currently earning.

    I feel happy to be back on the blog, and I missed everyone. I am still in a crisis and can’t really afford the time on here, but it is enjoyable for me. Enjoyment in the midst of a crisis is taking care of me.

    The best part of today was going out for lunch for a good-bye party with some of my friends at my department. I rode with Bill in his car and felt so comfortable with him! He knows I’m half in love with him but I keep the conversation just friendly, not flirty, since that’s where he seems comfortable.

    And I value all my friends, including you!



  415.  #415Brenda on November 23, 2010 at 7:00 pm

    Siena,

    That is sad that that happened to you, but it is amazing to hear of such deep inner healing. I am repeatedly wowed by how much our emotions are linked to our bodies.



  416.  #416Senior Lady Vibe on November 23, 2010 at 7:02 pm

    @ Brenda

    “I felt shocked when I first heard it! He always wore long sleeves to cover his tattoes!”t

    Too funny… 😆 urban myth… the poor man was never in the military.

    SLV



  417.  #417Siena on November 23, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    Thanks Bren!
    ” how much our emotions are linked to our bodies.”

    It makes sense, though, doesn’t it? Since we feel emotion in our bodies, how my body feels acts as a powerful compass, telling me what’s going on in my spirit.

    It’s totally genius. Whoever created that must be pretty smart 🙂



  418.  #418Daria on November 23, 2010 at 7:07 pm

    Siena – definitely! Tinque does work with this…

    and I learned a lot about releasing from Tissues…

    mmm i feel yummy thinking about stretching…



  419.  #419Daria on November 23, 2010 at 7:08 pm

    Siena – the thing is, I don’t exactly have an idea of how to organize it into a business

    the idea so far is

    “Teach one tool at a time in a Video”

    but … i don’t know how i’d organize it or anything to be a business



  420.  #420Daria on November 23, 2010 at 7:10 pm

    Brenda – exactly and thats part of what I think about when thinking about being open minded, a lot of people do something a certain way then change their beliefs about it



  421.  #421Daria on November 23, 2010 at 7:13 pm

    for example Lisa, a siren i got in a big argument here way back when – i felt attacked about being me and liking rap –

    runs a blog “Rangers against War”

    she used to be in the military but now is against war



  422.  #422Siena on November 23, 2010 at 7:14 pm

    Daria, the beauty of doing biz as a feminine woman is – you don’t have to know! Just do the next thing that presents itself. That will open up a door to the next thing, and the next, etc. It feels a little scary sometimes, because it requires you (me) to remain completely open and trusting.

    Staying connected with the desire and following that desire is what it’s all about.

    The structures, processes, “business” stuff is all masculine energy, and they will be brought forward as they need to be. You don’t have to worry – or think – about them at all at this point. 🙂



  423.  #423Siena on November 23, 2010 at 7:15 pm

    …so for now, I would say, create those videos and see what comes up next!



  424.  #424Senior Lady Vibe on November 23, 2010 at 7:18 pm

    @412: Siena says:

    “That – in a nutshell – is how to do biz from the feminine space.”

    Unusual. Is that what Rori does? Do you think she has a little money womb at home? LOL 😀

    SLV



  425.  #425Siena on November 23, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    SLV, LOL, maybe! It’s based on the understanding that nature abhors a vacuum, and rushes to fill an empty space. So I create the empty space (the container) and it will be filled. 🙂



  426.  #426Daria on November 23, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    i see that “ranger on the blog is referred to as He”

    i suspect it’s She though… i don’t know…

    i remember she asked for one of my Riffs to quote before we got into the argument



  427.  #427Senior Lady Vibe on November 23, 2010 at 7:23 pm

    @Daria

    Another way is to do some market research and see what people want to buy and then sell it to them.

    Start brainstorming. You already have a web site…branch out1

    If you want to do vids for sale decide what your delivery will be, digital, store it in mp4 on amazonaws and work out your payment processor page flows with download links.

    Or choose fulfillment house like Kunaki to burn CDs for you and send so you don’t have to hold inventory.

    Market on the Internet with free SEO traffic & social media traffic driven by long-tail keywords to pull 1st page in SERPS, or paid media buy & PPC. Something like that … (and get a little womb to put on your desk. 😆 )

    Push some squeeze pages w/ freebie for opt in list building/e-mail marketing.

    Or set up an affiliate system and rely on supporting your affiliates, Clickbank lets you set up aff program and processes payments w/o having to set up merchant accounts for credit card sales, bargain for $50 or so.

    There are many ways to do things…

    SLV



  428.  #428Daria on November 23, 2010 at 7:24 pm

    Siena – thanks! that feels good

    ok… will do

    feeling scared that ill do it all for free

    and not learn how to make money (yet again)

    thank you nvs

    so what!

    =)



  429.  #429Daria on November 23, 2010 at 7:26 pm

    SLv – thanks for the info… that feels very overwhelming to me

    but yes, i know those things somewhat

    sigh

    too overwhelming to me

    feels good to just start makin the damn videos for free

    and just let people give me money if they want

    for now

    i’ll see as i go along what feels good



  430.  #430Siena on November 23, 2010 at 7:30 pm

    I do some free too — it’s a difficult habit to break for me too.

    For me, it was wrapped up in my self esteem (who would want to pay me?). Lol because when I was doing biz from the masculine “thinking” space, I NEVER had any issues with asking for payment.

    Then I learned that money is just a form of energy, and it NEEDS to move, or else it gets constipated. Constipation creates disease!

    So invoices are like laxatives.

    LOL I’m taking it a little far, but you get my drift 🙂



  431.  #431Senior Lady Vibe on November 23, 2010 at 7:30 pm

    @414: Brenda says:

    “I’m watching Dancing with the Stars and I just ate pistachio ice cream…”

    Yum! I just had Haagen-Dazs “peppermint bark” natural ice cream. It tastes like Christmas!

    SLV



  432.  #432The Nikita Show on November 23, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    Siena,

    thx! 🙂

    I’ve wanted to start a reiki practice amongst other things 🙂

    I love your interpretation/view of doing business from feminine energy.



  433.  #433Daria on November 23, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    Siena -i feel kinda sad … tell me more

    I feel that too… who would want to pay me

    i feel sad

    i feel worried

    i feel worried that if i don’t “make” people pay they won’t

    and i don’t want to feel that way

    i don’t want to believe that

    i want people to spontaneously feel inclined to donate to me lots because they like me and what i am sharing with the world



  434.  #434Daria on November 23, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    i feel angry at anyone who is not furiously clicking my donate button RIGHT NOW!



  435.  #435Senior Lady Vibe on November 23, 2010 at 7:39 pm

    @Daria

    You could give one video for free or put it on your blog and sell a pack of others. You just upload them to amazon like you would to Youtube. I don’t do vids but I know people who do and it’s cheap to host them like pennies. Then people pay you through PayPal and they get a download link to download.

    OR

    I think hard copy is nice and clean. And less bother. Doesn’t Rori do this?

    Go take a look at Kunaki dot com. There are other places as well.

    Start small. You have lots of good ideas. Put your posts on ezine articles with hyperlinks. Put up what you already have on your blog as posts. Stick some links back to your blog where you conveniently have sales info.

    You can do it! It’s your mission. Goddess info. Dress like a goddess, all that!

    Or make our own “goddess collection”
    out of things available on Amazon. Sell those products!

    OK, I’ll be quiet now…

    SLV



  436.  #436Siena on November 23, 2010 at 7:40 pm

    Nikita, thank you!

    Daria, that “money story” is a BIG one that comes up for women (and men) entrepreneurs.

    Many of us have money story. Mine was that I had to work HARD and EARN my money ( doesn’t that feel hard and masculine!?).

    The truth is that money is an abundant, renewable resource, and is only a form of energy exchange. It’s neither good nor bad. It’s just neutral. It needs to move.

    Whenever you give money, more comes back to you (the whole tithing pronciple

    But it’s necessary most of the time to live a comfortable life (which is ou



  437.  #437Senior Lady Vibe on November 23, 2010 at 7:40 pm

    @ Daria

    Plus, I want one of those “Dress like a Goddess” books!

    SLV



  438.  #438Siena on November 23, 2010 at 7:43 pm

    Whenever you give money, more comes back to you (the whole tithing principle.

    You get to choose how much money you receive. It has nothing to do with being worthy or good or anything like that (do you think Paris Hilton has done anything for her money?)

    Ugh, I could go on and on… But that’s just a cliff notes version of wealth consciousness. xoxo



  439.  #439Senior Lady Vibe on November 23, 2010 at 7:44 pm

    @I want people to pay you what your work is worth, you can barter for service or goods if you wish but money is just a convenient medium of exchange.

    You can also give stuff for free!!! Just not everything…a girl’s got to eat! 😀

    SLV



  440.  #440Dorothea on November 23, 2010 at 7:45 pm

    siena that is the best business advice i have ever heard in my life. thank you.



  441.  #441Siena on November 23, 2010 at 7:48 pm

    Oh yay Dorothea, thank you! I really feel humbled to hear that 🙂



  442.  #442Dorothea on November 23, 2010 at 7:49 pm

    the way you describe feminine energy business ambition feels sooo good to me.