He “Flamed Out” – What Now?

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save relationshipHere’s a great question, and a long answer from me about a man who “opts out” for his “personal” reasons:


I use the “flame out” term as Rachel Greenwald used it in her book and it describes this perfectly. I’ve been circular dating for a few months. I met John and it finally felt like I’d found one with real potential. First date was great and he texted me before I got home saying what a great time he had and couldn’t wait to see me again. Dates 2 & 3 were also great. In between, he called me every day, text me several times a day, and did all the “right” things to pursue me. The spark was definitely there.

Then the time between the calls & txts started stretching out. I responded when he reached out, but didn’t try to initiate anything. Then he emailed me, apologizing for not calling or txting more. He explained that he was under tremendous pressure at work due to some audit they were undergoing (which I know is true because he mentioned it a few times on our dates) He is an owner of this company and president of one of its divisions. He also said that he was facing some very difficult financial decisions, which might include taking his kids out of private school.

He went on to say that he thinks I am “awesome”, smart, sexy, fun to be around and he loved spending time with me, and there wasn’t another woman he was interested in the way he was me. BUT, he said with all the pressure going on in his life, he didn’t feel it was fair to ME for him to bring me into his life at this time, but he did want me to be a part of it…eventually, when things settle down. It’s been about 3 weeks and other than the random txt here & there, that’s all I’ve heard from him.

Of course I have continued to circular date and keep on having fun. But my thoughts keep coming back to him. I wish I could conduct an “exit interview” and ask if there was something I did that turned him off so that I could learn & not make that mistake again. But in the outside chance that he does still want to pursue me, I know asking something like that would be relationship suicide. Do you think his email was sincere, or is he just too nice & diplomatic to say “I’m not interested in you, even though you are smart, sexy & fun”? Any thoughts are welcome. Thanks!”

Here’s my answer:

This is an awesome question.

Basically – it’s NOT YOUR JOB to FIGURE OUT what he MEANT, or what he THOUGHT – or ANYTHING!!!

It’s your job to take care of you, to respond to him warmly and openly when he shows up, and not to “Wait” –

And if you got oxytocin-attached to any one man — just put him on your horse (yeah – it can get crowded up there) and keep riding down your path.

Look – it’s not any of our fault when we get “hung up” on a man. We have hormones. Lots of them. They spin, they churn, they run up and down our bodies.

It’s really important that we eat and take care of ourselves in ways that give us the best chance to keep our hormones in some kind of pleasant balance – and then notice what’s going on with them when we feel “out of control” and reassert our authority over ourselves.

The idea is to be so in touch with our feelings, and so willing to feel them, that they no longer RUN us!!!

Feelings are our compass – but NOT our rudder!!!

Feelings tell us where our thoughts are leading us, they tell us what’s ahead, what’s going on…and often, they are being triggered by old things that aren’t even real in real time.

It’s up to a different part of you to make decisions about what to do and where to go – no matter WHAT you feel, and HONORING your feelings at all times.

This is what we’re about – using our minds in a completely different way.

Instead of using our minds to run AWAY from scary feelings – we use or minds to STEER us straight INTO them! We take our feelings WITH us – instead of trying to leave them somewhere.

We NEVER abandon ourselves – we use the soldier’s code of never leaving a trooper behind.

We take ALL of ourselves EVERYWHERE – and use every bit of information we get from those parts of ourselves to make decisions.

When decisions are fully informed by our feelings and intuitions – we end up HAPPY!!!

Simple as that!

We stop listening to the voices that tell us what we have to do, what we should do, what we need to do – and we start charting a course that lines up with what we desire and feel good about.

And so – a man who honestly tells us he is withdrawing – for WHATEVER reason, gets treated with warmth, openness, trust, belief that he’s doing what he feels he needs to do and has no ulterior motive or intent to hurt us or confuse us – and that we really don’t NEED any CLARIFICATION!!!

A husband who sleeps with another woman is delivering a message loud and clear. He’s saying – “I’m missing something in this marriage, and even though it might be immature, rude, wrong, bad, mean and anything else of me to have slept with this woman – I did it because I wanted to. And now I may be sorry, but I’m not sure. Maybe I want a lot of things I’m not supposed to have.”

And your feelings will be so awful that you’ll be tempted to take all kinds of action – to attack, to grieve, to run away, to kick him out, to get revenge, to hurt him….and also…to GET HIM BACK.

When you’ve invested years in a marriage, it might make sense to learn what your part is in “what he’s missing.” It might help you reconnect with him in a better way (I’ve had clients for whom this has happened beautifully).

It might even be acceptable for you to simply forgive him and move on (Miranda in Sex and the City).

Or it might be the wake-up call you needed to send him packing, and finally, blissfully be on your own and make yourself available for someone fresh.

But when you’re “dating” – there’s no such investment.  Or – there SHOULDN’T be, if you’re hoping to stay sane and hormone-balanced.

A man just comes and goes. For his own reasons.

And here’s the part where I can help, and what all my work is about:

Among a man’s reasons (if you care for him and want to ask the tough questions) for not going “further” with you into a real relationship – this possible “something” that’s holding him back, this “something” that’s “missing” for him might be something YOU’RE withholding from him. A part of you that isn’t open, and so it won’t let HIM open.

And when you read my stuff and think like that – your first instinct is to blame yourself, beat yourself up, jump to the conclusion that it’s YOUR fault (it isn’t – not even close), contact the man and show him how “different” you are now as a “Modern Siren.”

Only – the instinct to “go get him” and “show him” is completely the opposite direction a Modern Siren goes in!

So – built-in frustration and conflict.

Just like the possibilities in a marriage – no matter what has happened – If you’re still seeing a man (even just “dating” him, but he hasn’t backed off completely) – you can do it!! He’s THERE!! you can change, and he’ll change. The possibility for going deeper and getting committed is THERE!!

But – if he’s already pulled away and “gone” – like this man in the letter – then what?

The urge to call him is intense. You want a RE-DO!! We ALL want a re-do.

And there’s no way to manage that. But…here’s the magic:

He will show up again. Yes he will. He will either meet another woman and fall in love and marry her (and then you KNOW he wasn’t your Mr. Right, simply couldn’t have been), or he’ll call you.

Once he calls you – you are at “start” again. You are either the Siren you are now, or you are the “you” that you “were” when he stopped calling. THAT choice is up to YOU!!!

So, Renee – I think he’ll call again. if you keep being happy, and going down your road, and riding your horse (yes, even with him ON it) – he’ll call.

If he doesn’t – it wasn’t meant to be. I truly believe that.

And if he does – there’s your “re-do”! Only – it’s not a redo. It’s a fresh start. Where you start is up to you.

So – do the work. Use the Tools. Circular Date. Become the Siren you are. So when he shows up – and he will – you can be warm, open – AND diva-like (in a good way). You can be YOU. Totally.

Every moment you spend wanting to call, wanting to contact, wanting to “re-do” is a moment you are undoing the great work you’ve been doing. Do NOT go BACKWARDS!!! Keep riding, keep dreaming, keep feeling, keep making choices that feel right – in spite of the fear and the voices in your head that are yelling at you to TAKE ACTION!!

This is not a time to take action toward him – except to AGREE with him. To say “Thank you for letting me know, and I’ll miss you horribly, and I wish you the best, and look forward to being with you when all this clears up.”

And that’s it.

Try this on, and see how it feels.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Siena on September 25, 2010 at 5:52 pm

    hmmm I feel triggered by portions of this post, but also hear mostly truth. What if a man “flaming out” IS all just about him? A man can leave a Siren too! For whatever his reasons are, becoming a Siren doesn’t guarantee that a man will stay.

    Or maybe Rori meant it as just one example (a man leaving a forward-leaning or masculine energy woman).

    But sometimes a woman can use all the tools and be leaned back in her energy and in her actions, and the guy can be “in to her”, and something can come up that completely derails everything, and he “flames out”.

    Like in this situation – maybe it has NOTHING to do with the woman, it was just what the guy said it was. Maybe she WAS behaving like a Siren, and so she was all those things he told her she was, and maybe it was truly just that he was doing what he thought was best for himself – and for her too – by letting her go while he dealt with the “pressure” that was created outside his control.

  2.  #2Jennifer on September 25, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    Feelings as a compass not a rudder…..this make sense to me.
    |Good show.

  3.  #3Daisy on September 25, 2010 at 6:23 pm

    Siena- to me that’s what the post was saying…

    It’s not our job to figure out why, when were dating.

    I really like thus post. It says everything in a coconut shell

  4.  #4BarbinOz on September 25, 2010 at 6:38 pm

    I think this man WILL be back – he already says he has huge financial pressure and may have to pull his kids out of private school, that would be embarassing for him and his family, emasculating even like he can’t provide for his own children……

  5.  #5Daria on September 26, 2010 at 3:45 am

    again, this is one of the best posts EVAR. And very helpful to me. yay

  6.  #6Daria on September 26, 2010 at 3:57 am

    i KNOW. all this. this is really gelling for me. i relaly like the description of the message the cheating married man is giving. yes yes yes. this is like

    refrigerating my cold cream coconut cake overnight

  7.  #7gen on September 26, 2010 at 4:36 am

    oooh, this is a super interesting post and actually brings up a question I have for Rori…

    But first, I’d like to start off by saying that I agree with her that I don’t think this woman should contact him and ask him for his “reasons” why he’s not pursuing her at this time. And that’s NOT because it will make him “lose interest” in potentially pursuing her in the future, but because a) to him, he’s already given her his “reasons,” which are that his work is taking away his attention and that he’s worried about pulling his kids out of private school etc. b) even if those aren’t the “real” reasons, this woman is unlikely to get the real reasons. And pushing him to give her the “real” reasons will probably just make her feel bad in the long run.

    I mean, her asking for the “real” reasons is just going to show him, first of all, that “this woman doesn’t trust me. She doesn’t believe me when I tell her that it’s about me and not her.” But second of all, let’s say under some pressure from her, that he actually admits that there are other reasons. She’s still unlikely to get the “real” reasons because if there are hidden reasons, it’s clear he’s trying to bow out gracefully and not hurt her feelings and not be a dick. So he’s probably bound to give her reasons which are not at all connected with the truth because he doesn’t want her to think of him as a tool. And that won’t help her. And if he actually doesn’t know the reasons why he’s withdrawing, he may try to come up with “reasons” that just end up hurting her and aren’t the real reasons anyway!

    When my last boyfriend and I split, I begged him to just tell me the “reasons” why he was leaving so I would be able to not make the same “mistakes” I made with him with men in the future. I pushed him on this until he tried to come up with “reasons.” He trotted out everything from the superficial – he doesn’t like the way I do my makeup – to the more serious – he doesn’t like one of my parents. Not only was all of that incredibly hurtful to hear and did it make it more difficult to get over the relationship and move on, I’m still not sure they are the “reasons.”

    It didn’t change the fact that he was leaving. It didn’t reduce my sense of hurt or confusion. In fact, it probably amplified it.

    And it didn’t change the fact that, in reality, he is an emotionally unavailable manchild who is probably looking more for a mother figure he can have sex with than an equal. So, considering that, who cares about his reasons?

    But also, what I see in this particular woman’s situation is the following: this man was hot out the gate in pursuit of her. Calling, texting, showing a lot of interest at the start of the relationship. Basically, blowing hot hot hot! Then, once he realized he had hooked her and had started to get in too deep and she had expectations, he’s withdrawing. For me, this is kind of a red flag. There’s nothing wrong with a hot and heavy romance, but what I’ve noticed is that most emotionally available guys will be more balanced about their pursuit in the beginning because a) they have lives and other stuff to do b) they’re in it for the long haul.

    This guy sounds like he might have been in it for the quick kill. He wanted to hook her fast, and like a lot of guys who are hot hot hot to trot off the bat, once he realized he’d reeled her in, he got scared of the consequences and is now blowing lukewarm or cold out of fear. It kind of feels like he’s putting her “on ice” so that if he changes his mind he can blow hot when he so chooses and reel her in once more.

    Then again, I could be wrong. And it is nice to try to give men the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he is completely sincere. And maybe I read red flags and warning signs where I should trust more. I’d be interested to hear what the other ladies have to say.

    And this is where my question for Rori comes in to play…

    I agree that in the initial phases of dating, especially in the first few weeks, we shouldn’t pursue the guy at all, and when he shows up, just greet him with warmth and openness and not ask for the “reasons” he’s been away.

    But what about 3, 4, 5+ months down the line? Shouldn’t he/the relationship be getting more serious?

    I used to have a therapist who’s continual mantra was, “You teach people how to treat you.” That still ring pretty true for me. So if 3, 4, 5+ months down the line, if I just greet the man I’m seeing with warmth and openness whenever he shows up – even if he’s pulled a vanishing act for two weeks or more – doesn’t that just show him, “Oh, I can just do whatever I want and gen will be cool with it. I can disappear for weeks at a time and return to be greeted with open arms and a smile. I guess it’s cool for me to keep vanishing at will.” Shouldn’t I, you know, say something that the disappearing act – not making plans when he used to, not calling or texting as much, etc – makes me feel crappy? I don’t want to get the same vanishing act treatment.

    To go into – but not too far into – a personal situation. Before I found Rori’s stuff, I dated a man who was in “an open relationship with his girlfriend.” Normally I don’t touch attached guys, but the openness of the situation made it seem like it was more of a gray area. If she knew that he was seeing other women + she was seeing other people herself, it felt like it wasn’t unethical to go out with him. He also made it sound – at the beginning – as if their relationship was very casual, more friendly than romantic, and basically a relationship of convenience. He made it sound as if he was looking for something more – a true, exclusive romantic connection.

    Like this guy, he pursued me hot hot hot out the gate for the first three months. And – even though I hadn’t found Rori yet – I kind of naturally leaned back and let him get in touch and make plans when he wanted to and didn’t pursue. I was a bit on the guarded side because of his gf situation. After three months, when I had started to become invested in him and we had done the horizontal deed a few times, he started to withdraw. At first, I did nothing, even though I was cringing and crying on the inside and in my room in private when I wasn’t at work. He still seemed to blow hot and cold and come in and out of my life. After another month/month and a half or so, I told him I had feelings for him and that his withdrawing and not asking me out on dates as much anymore made me feel crappy. Long and short, I got the “I think you’re awesome, but I’m not going to leave my girlfriend” speech.

    I get that my situation was different from normal dating situations where women should be meeting men who aren’t attached whatsoever, but the fact is that I still got banged up emotionally from the experience. And I wish I had set my expectations more up front with this guy to save my heart the pain and grief. I wish I had told him earlier, “Hey, it hurts when you withdraw and don’t make plans anymore.”

    At some point, isn’t just welcoming the guy back into your life with a smile and open arms when he shows up – no matter how long he’s been gone for – just allowing a certain kind of emotionally unavailable man to not commit and be emotionally unavailable indefinitely?

    I get that until there’s a commitment on the table, I should continue to circular date, too. And now I know better and will date others while also going out with emotionally unavailable, girlfriended guy. (Though now, even the word girlfriend – when applied to me or other women – kind of makes me cringe.) But at some point, even though we’re circular dating, shouldn’t we call particular men out on their behavior? Otherwise, we’re just teaching them to give us the same behavior that makes us feel bad?

  8.  #8Daria on September 26, 2010 at 4:53 am

    gen – great post. thank you for sharing your story, you really brought out rori’s point in how it plays in real life.

    as to your question… really quickly for now…

    yes. when you feel uncomfortable (not just 3 months down the line) you can say … “hey… i feel a bit weird bringing this up, but i felt bad when etc happened and we didn’t see each other… i don’t want to feel off balance and unimportant with a man… what do you think?”

    or whats true to you. use feeling messages and don’t want statments.. and ask him what he thinks

    this is being warm (not blaming him, don’t use YOU did this , etc) and OPEN – = honest!!!

    open = honesty

    that is very important… from the very beginning…

    let him know how you feel bad or good, IF it feels important to you to do so…

    ie … check for your REAL feelings, not what you think you should feel

    glad you are here!

  9.  #9BarbinOz on September 26, 2010 at 6:32 am

    Gen, great post and I think the whole point about your story from my admittedly very limited RR way of doing things is that there isn’t supposed to be one man, no “the one” until he shows up with a ring……and until then he is just another on your CD rotation and if you don’t like his behaviour then you TELL him, not keep your feelings stuffed down, you be authentic and real and tell him the TRUTH of how you feel………..and if he is the right one for you, he will appreciate your honesty and if he isn’t then he will just fade away……….

    This is sooo different to the way I normally operate myself its a bit scary to be honest, but hey what I have (or any of us) got to lose? We are all here on this blog for the same reason…….thanks for your post.

  10.  #10Rhon on September 26, 2010 at 7:17 am

    This is my first time posting here. I totally can relate to what all of you are saying. But as gen stated, I’m not sure how much you ‘tolerate’ versus sharing your feelings of hurt or apprehension.

    I have a situation with someone I dated for a year. I was the girlfriend. Things where great until he started to feel something deep down, and some messages of scrutinizing I was doing that I thought were helpful information to help him grow, but I never focused on my obvious insecurities that were bringing them about. At any rate, we decided to pull it back. We are no longer a couple, but continue to see each other probably just as much.

    I started to do soul searching….online, and found Rori. I have learned so much and even some of the few things I have tried have had a profound affect on me and on him. I now circular date and feel so alive and more of my true self. I do my best to lean back and let him come to me, which he does all the time. We have a great friendship and connection.

    But my issue is that I still would like to have the relationship back, and he is aware. I stopped stuffing down my feelings and I shared my feelings. And I was amazed that it IMMEDIATELY brought him closer and he opened up too. But I worry because of the intense intimacy that we share and my emotional connection to him. Right now I am in a moment of wanting to ask him does he want more NOW…..how about NOW….ok, what about NOW. I feel like I am falling into a trap that I set for myself. It makes me want to retreat and focus on the other men I’m dating and not share my feelings. But I know it is important to share my feelings. But my feel is that I will be rejected or give him the wrong vibe. I think there is hope to get to a deep level, but if I push, he will turn off again. And right now he is drawing nearer doing more and showing more than he ever has. I want to ask what he sees that he wants from this, but it feels like I’m talking about a relationship. And frankly, I feel I want to loosen the ties I have with him if we are just hanging out and being intimate with each other. But he’s the only one I want to give this too. I enjoy dating the others, but I can’t even think of giving myself to them like I do with the main one.

    So my question is: Do I say something? What do I say? How do I say it? He is always receptive to hearing me and giving me his honest answer the best he can with understanding his own feelings. He truly has tried his best not to lead me on. I can feel it with how he has always treated me. I was very honest with him recently about my want to have real love in my life, and that it wasn’t necessarily directed at him, but that I had to stop saying that I didn’t. And I threw in a ton of feeling messages about our situation and he did as well. I was surprised.

    Also, another problem is I worry about other women. I know he has contact with other women, although he is not actively dating really. I tend to know his every move. But he has shared that he has gone out with other women and he knows I see other men. We both expressed feeling feelings about that, but how we see it as necessary at this point. He makes me feel that he knows deep down that I am the right woman for him and he just needs to fully realize it. With time and patience, we can get there. This is the vibe I get, but he makes no false promises, which I appreciate. So in the meantime, I continue to circular date and do my thing and grow for myself. But I feel like secretly, I am waiting for him and I don’t know how to shake it or the desire to question what he wants with me and if he sees a future.

    I have waves of certainty and other confusion that come over me. I am trying to embrace all my feelings and not react like I have in the past, but it is so difficult. I feel so happy and on target on day…and then the next day I can feel completely emotional with uncertainty about what I’m doing and if I’m being foolish. I know this was long, but it is what’s been going on.

  11.  #11life_is_too_short_to... on September 26, 2010 at 8:02 am

    Brilliant post from Rori!!

    and thank you to Gen for your very rich post, so many very juicey points for jumping off of

    I just thought of the song by no doubt….don’t speak, i know what you’re thinking, so please stop explaining…don’t tell my cause it hurts…

    My thought writ e now is to be compassionate and forgiving towards myself and others

    and to also remember that there is a fine line in any relationship between being compassionate and letting someone abuse you

    I discovered that a big theme that is playing out in my life with men i’ve been falling for is the everything is my fault and
    i must have done something so bad that i will have to jump through many, many, hoops and if i’m good enough and just wait and wait and wait….for love…and even then…it may not happen….never good enough

    traced it back, among other incidents, to an incident on christmas morning when i was a child and had to wait all day before i could open my gifts from santa…

    these paved the way for choosing unstable and damaged ones who I jus t am totally convinced i can transform with my love because then I get to feel like the heroine in my own story

    shine the light

  12.  #12Kimberly on September 26, 2010 at 8:28 am

    Rori, love, love, love this post!

  13.  #13Karen on September 26, 2010 at 9:49 am

    Rori, wonderful post, exactly what I needed to hear this morning. A couple weeks ago I got the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ line. I thought he was being sincere, he still kept me as friends on Facebook, even ‘liked’ a few of my posts, now I see he’s going out on all these dates. He did also tell me that he had gotten the ‘hints’ I had dropped about commitment, etc… Anyway, I needed to hear this today, thank you.

  14.  #14gen on September 26, 2010 at 9:54 am


    On that note, let me say that the “Hide posts from X person” on facebook is your friend. De-friending feels a bit immature and spiteful to me. When I hide them, I don’t have to see their laundry and get stirred up all over again, and they *never know*…

  15.  #15Karen on September 26, 2010 at 9:55 am

    Good idea Gen, thank you!

  16.  #16Nikita on September 26, 2010 at 10:03 am

    I can hide posts??? I admit to being less than savvy with FB

  17.  #17gen on September 26, 2010 at 10:07 am


    When someone shows up in your newsfeed, with xyz update, scroll over the update to the right and a little “X” should appear. When it does, click on it. Then, a series of buttons should appear, with the options, “Hide Tom/Dick/Harry / Report Spam / Cancel.”

    Click the “Hide Tom/Dick/Harry” option and they are gone forever, unless you go and look up them up in the search box. It’s offloading baggage without actually offloading baggage, and has spared me updates about their love lives & etc.


  18.  #18life_is_too_short_to... on September 26, 2010 at 10:18 am

    Gen writes in part:

    “This guy sounds like he might have been in it for the quick kill. He wanted to hook her fast, and like a lot of guys who are hot hot hot to trot off the bat, once he realized he’d reeled her in, he got scared of the consequences and is now blowing lukewarm or cold out of fear. It kind of feels like he’s putting her “on ice” so that if he changes his mind he can blow hot when he so chooses and reel her in once more.

    Then again, I could be wrong. And it is nice to try to give men the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he is completely sincere. And maybe I read red flags and warning signs where I should trust more. I’d be interested to hear what the other ladies have to say.”

    Gen, you said that the phrase “You teach people how to treat you” rings true to you. Yes, it does to me to. It means being clear and consistent with your boundaries, and like D said, getting real with your feelings and not what you think you are supposed to feel.

    It’s a bit like a teacher’s first day in the classroom. The boundaries, expectations for behavior, etc. that are set on that first day set the tone for the rest of the year.

    With men, it is very similar, and once the tone is set, it will take attention and practice and consistency to reverse.

    As for red flags, there is another saying that I like.
    “When people show you who they are…believe them”.

    So, giving the man the benefit of the doubt, maybe he is completely sincere, yes, perhaps, but watch the behavior. Do you really feel he is open to change anytime soon, if ever? It isn’t our job to make him want to change. He has to really want it himself, otherwise whatever we do that might produce some results, are really just quick fixes and bandaids.

    This does not mean you are judging them or that they should not be who they are being, after all, we must be in acceptance of what is, but it is you who have to decide if it is what you want to live with.

    There are also spiritual prices to pay, in that, you may be hindering your own growth, because you may get stuck in a toxic pattern due to the old “fun house mirrors” (RR) where there is a “total distortion of reality and we start to not be able to tell what’s true and what isn’t, what’s real and what isn’t.”

    If you want to “help” somebody, you can do so many volunteer things, like mentor a teen, hold a crack baby, etc.

    If you get with a man who does not want to grow or change, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink, and then you may end up shriveling up from dehydration, too. Life is too short, you know 🙂

    I guess this is wise sayings day 🙂

  19.  #19life_is_too_short_to... on September 26, 2010 at 10:19 am

    13. Yep, that is exactly what i do…hide them from the newsfeed. Works wonders. Just watch the temptations to just sneak a peek!

  20.  #20Aminata on September 26, 2010 at 10:56 am

    I feel like, as I grow in my Siren-ness, when guys “flame out” I’m not really that worried about it. It’s easy to say, “Well you take care of you and I’m going to keep on being joyful me!”

    I actually had to do that with an ex who showed up a couple of weeks ago and took me hiking. It wasn’t a totally joyous trip (I could tell he was hoping for that quick reunion but I wasn’t feeling it), but we did talk a little. Then I said bye with a smile, a sincere happy smile, something the old me never would have done. I was so hung up o him. I would have pouted and whined and begged him to stay. Humiliating! The siren in me now totally isn’t feeling that!

    Circular dating is the key to this. Thanks for making me do it Rori. This summer I dated 5 guys, and more are coming out of the woodwork.

    This is the most attention I’ve ever gotten in my whole life! I’m not choosing any guys right now, just experimenting. I’m learning the to accept and enjoy man attention. I used to be so scared of it! I felt like it was predatory or slutty on my part. Now that I’m growing into a siren, it empowers my femininity.

    And men are attracted to women who have options. It kicks in their competitiveness. I’m not worried about any guy that flames out, because there’s another guy behind him.

    And Rori’s right. they do come back. Guys want do overs too! Hang in there ladies. it took a year of work for me, but things turn around crazy fast when you least expect it!

  21.  #21Nikita on September 26, 2010 at 10:57 am

    Thanks…..I have a few younger “associates” that post things I would not want others to see….I feel mildly annoyed but don’t want to tell anybody how to live but it turns me off from Fb and I actually won’t friend people I know because of the ones I have already friended posting crazy crap…..I don’t care about treasures!……is there a way I can untag myself in photos? That drives me crazy and I am considering deleting my account.

  22.  #22gen on September 26, 2010 at 11:03 am


    I am also super annoyed by the FarmVille/Treasures/Games stuff on fb. I hide all of it. Just click the X next to the person’s name when they appear, if one of those game things shows up, and it will also present you with hiding just FarmVille (without having to hide all of the person’s updates). And yes! You can untag yourself from photos. Just go to the actual photo and there should be an option that says “remove tag.”

    Your privacy is your privacy…and while fb isn’t the best about keeping your privacy private, there are some options for making it less annoying.


  23.  #23retailtherapycathy on September 26, 2010 at 11:49 am

    I am having a few problems getting the men in order to CD in the first place… I would really love your feedback sirens, as I feel so totally frustrated. Men email me and then flame out – even before I get to the date stage.. I had one guy email me a couple of times and then send me his phone number, I texted him saying basically saying “thanks for your email, it would feel good to hear from you” and I never heard from him again!

    Another guy I actually had a lovely date with, immediately texted me to say he thought I was lovely and he really enjoyed our date, after a few more texts it all stopped.

    Had a really good chat online with another guy who winked at me and then he just never got back to me.
    I emailed another chap saying “I like your profile and it would feel good to hear from you” he wrote back just saying “I dont ‘no’ what to say” – then nothing….

    I have Rori’s book and I am practicing using the feeling messages and leaning back but its a theme of men flaming out before I have even got to the CDing stage! I know I should’nt care but I do!!!

    I love this blog and have been reading for months learning a great deal from all you lovely sirens, you all feel like friends, I feel so frustrated that I cant even get to the date stage – any help gratefully received!

  24.  #24Daria on September 26, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    BarbinOz – the youtube link isn’t particularly for exercise, it’s for feeling stuck. I use it For exercise though it can be used for anything. I just visualize myself exercising and make SURE that i include myself freakin smiling as if i were just LOVING that exercise lol

    its: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5A5TX3OaMLQ

  25.  #25Daria on September 26, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    Yay Aminata! That sounds awesome!!

  26.  #26Daria on September 26, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    R T Cathy – don’t worry, it’s just a stage…

    just keep practicing, those are just the first few men… there will be more, lots more, and you WIll get to the date part

    PS YOU DID! get to the date part, with that one lovely date… so make sure to acknowledge when you’re receiving stuff … (like that) … so that it will be in your energy that it’s coming to you, etc…

    for example, oh i feel so glad i had a lovely date, and i dont want the guy to peter out next time, thank you ! and Intend that it will simply correct itself and you will now get a lovely date AND more stuff you want next time

  27.  #27turtle girl on September 26, 2010 at 12:31 pm


    don’t worry about the flames outs. the whole dating things for me comes in waves. i get a bunch that dont work, cant even get to the first meeting.

    some a date or two…then nothing….

    some i have been cd’ing for 3 or 4 months, then somethings comes up and its over…..

    just hang in there! it is all good. it will work out eventually.

    Rori says as we get clear, healthy, happy, accepting of ourselves, better men start to show up and I believe it, it has worked exactly like that for me.

    It’s our VIBE, and that attracts the guys similar to what we are and want….it’s true. xxoo

  28.  #28Daria on September 26, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    Mama’s Daily Fluff:

    “You cannot surrender to that which you do not love.”

    – Mama Gena

  29.  #29retailtherapycathy on September 26, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    Yes! Daria you make a very good point, I will acknowledge the good things like the one nice date or the happy feeling when I do get emails, maybe this is my learning point and my intention will definetly be to attract more nice dates, happy feelings.

    Thank you turtle girl, its so reassuring to hear that you have worked through this and I will work on my vibe and feel happy when I do get some practice!!!


  30.  #30girl on September 26, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    I read an article about how Facebook deliberately violates people’s privacy in order to make it more juicy/dramatic/entertaining so that people are “hooked”.

    I notice that when things in society, on a Macro level, are screwed up, I feel justified on a Micro level, to not get too invested a Mainstream version of success. I wonder if that’s true, or if i’m actually avoiding Life in some ways.
    I think I feel this way because I have the day off today and I’m sitting here thinking instead of enjoying it…

  31.  #31Brenda on September 26, 2010 at 2:04 pm


    You said, “I notice that when things in society, on a Macro level, are screwed up, I feel justified on a Micro level, to not get too invested a Mainstream version of success. I wonder if that’s true, or if i’m actually avoiding Life in some ways.”

    I’m not familiar with these terms in this context. I don’t understand this. Can you explain please?

  32.  #32turtle girl on September 26, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    Macro is “large” out there society at large.
    Micro is “small” just me or my life.

    So I think what she is saying that when it is crazy out there, she just concentrates of herself and maybe “drops out” or doesn’t worry about trying to keep up with the Jones as it were. Just my humble opinion.

    I get that way too. When it’s crazy I just disengage for a while.

  33.  #33Daria on September 26, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    I’m making life feel a lot better by making singing and dancing a daily part of my life

    the orishas have invaded in a great way my consciousness

    thank you!

    i feel blessed

  34.  #34girl on September 26, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    I really like Gen’s observation that this guy’s behavior is a red flag. I too have experienced this phenomena of a guy acting like he fell from the moon and then bouncing off into outer space as soon as he senses I dig him.

  35.  #35turtle girl on September 26, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    You are not “avoiding life” we all need a break.
    But only you can know when that is ok or not.
    Hide too long and yeah, kind of feels bad.
    But be involved too long and you get crazy.
    I think it is about balance. Some folks love to join in out there non stop extroverts. I am an introvert myself.

  36.  #36girl on September 26, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    Yeah, Turtle Girl, that’s what I meant. Except that I feel like I have made a lifestyle out of a feeling of resistance. I feel a little proud about it, but a little bad about feeling like an outsider…

    I notice that when i’m taking action as an outsider I feel good. But when I’m passive as an oustider, I feel bad.

  37.  #37Daria on September 26, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    He flamed out sounds like a good rap song…

    i thot we were down but then he flamed out

    burned me real bright then he ran last nite

    closed up tight i cried and sighed

    he flamed out and i stepped to the right

  38.  #38BarbinOz on September 26, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    Cathy and Turtlegirl,

    Thanks for the heads up as I am having the same problem, I “chose” 4 last night (after my disastrous last attempt of 3 didn’t even call me!!) so far had one reply on POF wanting to meet but not actually saying that, I am trying to find a RR way to word my reply. On the paid dating site 2 have not replied, now this is the auto answer thing unless you pay, and this guy has auto replied, I should contact him (pay for a stamp) and he will buy the first coffee!!! Well we sirens don’t pay (!!!), so will have to find a suitable sireny reply though not look right…..

  39.  #39BarbinOz on September 26, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    Thanks for the link and the tips Daria, I will be sure to bookmark this one 😀

  40.  #40Hillary on September 26, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    I’m not sure where to leave a comment or ask a question, so I am doing so here…
    I’m in the midst of some heart ache & @ 46 I am REALLLYYY ready to cease these patterns that sabotage my desires & dreams in love. A friend gave me a few of your cds w/ experts, Christian amongst others & I did have epiphanies & yet, some of it I already knew. This is where I am. I met & fell in love w/ a man I met on match.com a year ago. We were planning our lives together. He proposed. I actually moved to HIS location in Montana (I live in Colorado.) It was a BIG change on many levels. He had a lot of drama in the aftermath of a divorce. I realize NOW that I went on a rescue mission, trying to help him THROUGH & to create a place for OUR foundation & our future… What ended up happening is that the more I did, the more ungrateful he seemed. My needs were unmet. @ times he would try & then retreat for my requests seemed daunting to him. (Not demands mind you-but simply speaking my ‘love language’ & having connection, intimacy & communication.) I returned to Colorado for clients (money) & was to return to our life together, when just before that was to happen he told me that he “Couldn’t do this.” He ended our relationship in early August. I went to pick up my things & in seeing me, he changed his mind & we were to try it “long distance” again until we had our footing & he was through more of his issues, etc. *He has a 7 year old daughter who I fell in love w/ too. Since then, he has back peddled again-dropped out w/out a word, explanation or calling for 3 weeks until days ago when he called & apologized & expressed his love for me & gratitude for all that I had done for he & his daughter. It feels as though he misses me but made it clear when I asked what he wanted, that he wants me in his life but does not want talk of the “relationship.” This is my dilemma; I am in love w/ both he & his daughter. I see that I over gave & attempted to PROVE myself lovable. I understand that my desire for having my pictures met pushed him away…& yet how do we recognize when we are choosing someone who is simply wrong for us or when we the need to grow together & cease asking someone to fill our voids?… I am overwhelmed by all that you offer. Money is a concern @ present. I am a beautiful, smart, spiritual, confident women on many levels but in love, I hurt myself time & time again. What program would you sense would best serve me?… The monthly cd series on experts intrigues me but also, there’s a part of me that believes I belong w/ this man & to join his daughter & this family. I want to learn how to heal these patterns in me that push men away. Is my ‘picker’ broken or can this relationship be saved?…. WHAT TO DO? My heart is broken for the loss of yet another love…but moreover~how I lead my sweet & precious self-astray. I want & deserve it all in love…How can I create the space to allow that? Thank you~
    W/ love & gratitude~

  41.  #41Daria on September 26, 2010 at 2:45 pm

    “What if I told you that singing will help you re-align yourself?


    Your desire to sing is primal for a good reason.


    In ancient cultures, there are songs for almost everything. Thereare songs for seasonal change, songs for feasting, songs forsocializing, songs for initiations… need I go on?

    The songs that used to be sung all over the world were in harmonywith Mother Earth – literally. Many of them still are. When someoneasks me what my favourite kind of music is, my answer is always thesame… music I can really feel, music that gives me goosebumps…because then it’s reaching me on a whole other level.


    Singing from your heart and soul brings things into balance andharmony, naturally… inside your body, in your mind, and allaround you.


    Did you know that singing from the heart and soul actually helpsMother Earth re-align herself?

    When women sing from deep inside ourselves, because of our innateconnection to Mother Earth, we are healing her as well asourselves. We are life-givers, and so we were born with the gift offlowing life force energy (Source) through us. Men can do it too,but women’s bodies carry the deep knowing of it on multiple levels.

    PSSSST!! Here’s a not-so-secret secret that most of us deny, thinking we can’t make a difference alone… In order to heal Mother Earth, we need to heal ourselves on anindividual level. And we can do this by opening our hearts andletting the Love (Source energy) in.”

    ~ Brenda MacIntyre

  42.  #42BarbinOz on September 26, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    These are the auto replies:


    Choose a kiss message
    I’m interested and looking forward to receiving your email soon. .

    Loved the kiss, can’t wait for the email. .

    I’m purchasing some stamps to send you an email.

    . You seem interesting,
    would love to know more about you. .

    I would be very open to a friendship. .

    I appreciate the Kiss and look forward to hearing back from you. .

    Thanks for the kiss. I’d like to hear from you.

    .Use Conversation Starters to get the ball rolling:

    Ask me about: what makes me tick my favourite things what my friends say about me my travels my weekend what I noticed most on your profile why I think we’d click what’s important to me things I love and hate my experience on RSVP

    Tell me about: the last movie/show you went on what you do for fun what you do to keep fit what your friends say about you what you’re reading your favourite song your ideal first date your priorities in life your travel experience your turn-ons/offs

    Tell me more

    I’d love to see your photo! If you have a hidden picture, please grant me access.

    . I’m intrigued but I’d like to find out a little more about you.

    Any chance of updating your profile?

    . I’m seeking friendship only, if the feeling is mutual then would be happy to receive your email. .

    Sorry, not interested

    Thanks for the kiss, but I don’t think it would work out between us.

    . I’m flattered by the attention and appreciate the kiss, but I don’t want to take things further right now.

    I wish you all the best in your search. .

    Unfortunately, I’m only looking for someone local. .

    I’m not interested in contact right now but if I ever change my mind I will send you another kiss.

    . I’m a bit overwhelmed with contact at the moment, so thanks for getting in touch but I don’t think I want to take things further right now.

    . I’m very flattered, but I’m not sure we have enough in common.

    I wish you all the best in your search. .

    I think you should read my profile in more detail because it seems you may be looking for something I’m not. .

    Thanks! I wish you well in your search.

  43.  #43BarbinOz on September 26, 2010 at 2:55 pm

    And oh yeah, the guy on POF who emailed me used a FEELING message and said “What do you think?” at the end of his first message!!! I hope he’s not a RR Siren LOL!!

    He must be some kind of messenger!!

  44.  #44girl on September 26, 2010 at 2:57 pm

    I feel weird because I’m watching the show “My Generation” on ABC.com, and I discovered that I know 2 cast members very well. I went to high school here in TX with one, and I hung out with the other in Chicago. PLUS, a main character on the show Outsourced (which also happens to air on Thursday nights), was in my circle of friends in college. Which makes me feel like this avoidance of engaging in society WAS indeed a way of running from my dreams, because I believed that “i couldn’t make it” as an actress and that if I did make it, I would have to do all kinds of unethical and stupid things. But now I see my friends MAKING it BIG, and I see that what they are doing they can feel very proud of.

  45.  #45Daria on September 26, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    BARB IN OZ –

    wow ! those automatic replies ARE GREAT!!! i am going to steal some!

    i like the i am flattered but dont want to take things further right now ones!

    what awesome format — NOTICE THAT MOST ARE FEELING MESSAGES, but the am/be replacing feel!

  46.  #46Daria on September 26, 2010 at 3:01 pm

    girl – i want to be an actress too… ! i still feel scared! it will happen for us! i intend to have Everything i want! and then some more good stuff!

  47.  #47girl on September 26, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    I believe it Daria! I actually feel ashamed of myself for not making it already. And I feel sad about youth lost. But I know I’m still beautiful and sexy and full of life and that I am on track and more determined each day to experience more and more of what life has in store.

  48.  #48Daria on September 26, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    girl – i think my “youth lost” issues are what’s been holding me back… i am shifting them with a thank you and lots of reassurance and love

  49.  #49Daria on September 26, 2010 at 3:23 pm

    meaning, that feeling that im behind, that i Should be better, doing more, etc… is what holds me back from experiencing what i Do want


    feeling good

    feeling proud of myself

    feeling in tune with earth

  50.  #50Daria on September 26, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    i did a soul purpose reading where they showed me that i kept trying to BE that which i am becoming too quickly and if it were for me to BE that right now it would zap and overwhelm my systems

    so my work is to experience what is now as it is the groundwork to Be what i want

  51.  #51Daria on September 26, 2010 at 3:43 pm




    Pretty brown eyes
    You know I see you
    It’s a disguise the way you treat me

    You keep holding on
    To your thoughts of rejection
    If you’re with me you’re secured

    You keep telling me
    That your time is always taken
    But I keep seeing you out alone

    Listen to love
    Your heart is pounding with desire
    Waiting to be unleashed


    Quit breakin my heart
    Breakin my heart
    Breakin my heart
    Breakin my heart


    Don’t tell your friends
    That I don’t mean nothin to ya
    Please don’t deny the truth

    Tell me right now
    I know your heart is in the right place
    You know I won’t let you down yeah

    You can’t disguise
    All the pounding of your heart yeah
    I see your eyes
    And you can’t hide

    Start to make sense
    And quit playin these love games
    Tell me what you’re gonna do yeah



    I wanna know one thing
    Will you be with me


    Here comes my darling
    Here comes romance
    Here comes my love
    And please honey will you dance

  52.  #52BarbinOz on September 26, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    Oh I like these words Daria, who sings this song?

    And I will be watching out for you and girl in the movies or on the TV then like girl I can say “Hey I know her” 😀

  53.  #53healingsound on September 26, 2010 at 4:30 pm

    @Daria, loved those rap lyrics on flamed out 🙂
    Thank you for mentioning Brenda Macintyre, I didn’t know about her.,,she’s great..! Too late for any meaningful conversation here, I will be back later
    best for now,
    Love & light xox

  54.  #54Brenda on September 26, 2010 at 4:50 pm


    RE: #36 – Nice poem!!

  55.  #55Senior Lady Vibe on September 26, 2010 at 5:29 pm

    Hello to all of the goddesses. I’ve been enjoying reading Rori’s posts and your comments on the blog. You have all been lifesavers to me. I’m recovering from an Imaginery Relationship.

    This morning I tossed Imprint Man onto the back of my horse. More about him some other time. For now it’s me first. Later I bounced into the subway and made my way down to a street festival in Little Italy.

    This was my first official “Circular Date.” It was a date with myself. I believe I can learn a lot, or even just confirm a lot about myself on a “circular date” or a “date myself”adventure.

    I left the horse at home; sometimes a girl has to make her way on foot.

    I had seen a CL personals ad which mentioned the San Genarro festival and it sounded kind of fun and romantic but it wasn’t. It was like I remember it from many years ago. How did I forget? Crowded, carnival-like and “tourist-y.”

    I didn’t stay long at the festival but I’ve confirmed that street festivals are not for me: I’m an uptown girl.

    I’m going to need a senior sort of uptown guy. This is going to be helluva challenge for a 60-ish sort of woman like me.

    When I returned home I found Imprint Man was still there, on the horse, looking a little silly and confused. Too bad.


  56.  #56Jacqueline on September 26, 2010 at 6:02 pm

    OH NO YOU ALL DIDN’T!!!! I am furious, beyond furious cannot even type without my heart pounding and gritting my teeth – hands shaking! Who ARE WE???

    WE LOVING FEELING message supportive women here just let Dorothea walk away? NO ONE AT ALL said come back????

    WTH??? No, we girls just wave bye bye and say, oh, it’ll be good for you?

    Let me just say, from my deepest of deep FEELINGS that one of these days, if you do not put your friendships first and you are a woman who tosses them aside for any reason, devalues them or does not give them EQUAL attention to any MAN ever in your life – you’re gonna find youself very alone, very lonely and very very abandoned. Just when you need them, you won’t have them.

    I have NEVER EVER let a man get between me and a girlfriend, I work at keeping my girlfriends harder than I do at keeping a man. They are worth the investment.

    Who are we as a group but a bunch of enablers who mouth a formulaic platitude if we do not react with compassion when another one of us is hurting, or telling us goodbye?

    Who are we when we do not support each and every person’s on here, successs? or comfort them in their failure?

    To quote, Rori, why are we even here then?

    I am still furious that this happened because of some people’s influences or however such a thing can even come about.

    And even to say, well, I am kind of not triggered by Rori’s own post? My Gawd, she’s freaking brilliant. Much more to say about Rori than I’m kind of not triggered.

    Where is the dignity and respect here?

    I hope everyone clearly feels exactly what I am feeling in this message!


  57.  #57Simply Shannon on September 26, 2010 at 6:14 pm

    Jacqueline: I’m sensing your frustration and anger. I feel misunderstood and a bit confused. If Dorothea says she wants a break, I believe her. I respect her enough to know and do what’s best for her. Of course I don’t want her to go but I’m not the one hurting. She is. So why should I beg her to stay when it’s obviously feeling bad for her to stay? Then she’d be staying for me and not because that’s what is right for her.

    I feel sad she is leaving (and others as well) but I don’t want to manipulate her by begging her to stay. Does that make sense?

    Daria: I loved the “flame out” lyric.

  58.  #58Jacqueline on September 26, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    Shannon – how can you be sensing it when I’m YELLING it? Yes! beg her to stay – she is hurting because no one is honoring her truth nor inviting her to be here, IMO – and yes, I’ve written her.

    And who said she was hurting anyway, and so if we’re hurting we leave the very place we came to for healing?

    I am going to honor my committment to listening and learning from the never ending story (which flies under your “trigger” radar, which was amazing since you’d never spoken to me and I had no idea I was even on your trigger radar…) and stop.

    But if anyone is “sensing” me here – I hope they FEEL me; for month’s I’ve been told to speak my feelings? I cannot get any clearer than what I’ve said!


  59.  #59Simply Shannon on September 26, 2010 at 6:34 pm

    I hear you Jacqueline. I feel powerless in this situation too. Dorothea is a grown up. She knows her limits more than me. I love Dorothea and Erika and Alias Girl and all the others coming and going here and you. I also respect ya’ll enough to know what’s best for you. I’m actually trying to practice this in real life too. I feel completely open and available when people come into my life and that doesn’t change when they take a break or move away. It happens.

    All the questions I could ask and assumptions I could make are Dorothea’s to decide. Begging to me = guilt tripping, and I’m not going to do that. If I said I’m leaving, I expect people to honor that request. Sure the power trip part of me wants people to beg me to stay, like wow look how much these people love me and need me. But at the end of the day I make my own decisions about where and who I interact with.

    I’m getting visions of myself “begging” guys not to leave. Ick. How much better would I have felt about myself (and them about me) if I had simply honored their request.

    Interesting thing I just learned by writing this out. Thank you Jacqueline for helping me!

  60.  #60Amy F. on September 26, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    Aminata #19
    Thanks for your post. I’ve used Modern Siren and attract men (I live in a big city so they are all around me). I have just noticed that I experience flame out all the time. I do lean back and never initiate, but I do get hormonal and attached to ONE. I found my soulmate- we truly are soulmates, and he flamed out too. It’s not over and I know he will be back. I have not initiated contact, but he came after me hot and hard then I got the “sorry I’m so distant BUT” email. I had made the mistake of becoming exclusive – I knew better! When he started to withdraw, I pushed the CD button again. I’m going to experiment with more men to figure out why this happens, to resist the temptation to become exclusive and continue to CD. Your post confirmed the answers will come. Thank you!

  61.  #61life_is_too_short_to... on September 26, 2010 at 6:56 pm

    Hello Jacqueline,

    I definitely understand your position, but,
    I choose not to become very invested or involved personally with members in on-line communities like this one.

    I’m not here to coach or befriend anyone.

    I write here, not expecting people to answer me directly, (there is plenty to read between the lines), or for any attention, hand-holding or to rely on anybody here for any support.

    I am here more because, #1, I like the built in “witness” element to my journaling and comments, as a way to kind of keep me honest and accountable and 2, i feel we can all learn and benefit and be inspired from each other’s stories and POV’s.

    Therefore, my boundary is to not get over-involved in other people’s processing here, and I am 100 percent OK with it, so it is none of my business what others might think of that boundary.

    I never did start or finish that list of 100 things I like!

    It’s OK. It has been crazy hectic around here, many things out of the ordinary happening at once. Things will be balancing out soon!

    see you

  62.  #62Simply Shannon on September 26, 2010 at 7:27 pm

    Life is too short: I really appreciate your comment. Thank you!

  63.  #63Brenda on September 26, 2010 at 7:40 pm


    RE: #53 – Thanks for caring about Dorothea, and just so you know, I emailed her earlier today, which is what she requested in her parting post. Here is what I said:

    Hello Eva,

    I feel sad that you have left Rori’s blog. I read a little on your blog, and I feel sad that your mother never kissed your face. My Mom used to be like that too, altho not to that degree. As I started to get emotional healing in my twenties, I tried to hug her, cuddle with her, or kiss her. Initially, she had a comparable reaction as yours when you tried to kiss her face. She was unresponsive and sort of pushed me away when I hugged her.

    I started to cry, and I said, “I don’t feel loved by you.” Then she started to cry, and it ended up in a hugfest, and healing, and it was the start of both of us getting healing and learning how to show affection. She explained to me that her parents never gave her affection, and she didn’t know how and was uncomfortable with it.

    I feel sad that you grew up with not a lot of love. I know it’s next to impossible to see it in perspective, but that lack of love was the unhealed issues of your mother, not you. You were and are totally loveable. And I love you. And I hope you come back to Rori’s blog. We need your zaniness there.

    I love you!


  64.  #64Jacqueline on September 26, 2010 at 7:53 pm

    oooh, Brenda, my eyes are kind of tearing….thank you for that; it’s moving – I wrote her too and I know some others did too. Thank you for the gift you ARE.


  65.  #65Brenda on September 26, 2010 at 7:56 pm


    You’re welcome…I love ALL the Sirens on here. We are all in process. I love you, too.


  66.  #66Karen on September 26, 2010 at 8:33 pm

    This is not really related, but I am sure you wonderful ladies will have an answer. I had been involved w/ a guy for 6 weeks, Paul. He flamed out, I think he just wasn’t ready to commit to any one person and is having a good time playing the field. Before the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ text, I had ordered the Commitment Blueprint. Should I return it and get the Modern Siren? I think I have most if not all of the others, except for Modern Siren. Any opinions?
    Thank you ladies. 🙂

  67.  #67Brenda on September 26, 2010 at 8:53 pm

    Hi Karen,
    I have both Modern Siren and Commitment Blueprint. I think both are top notch quality. CB is longer, more comprehensive, and I like it better. But both were absolutely life-changing for me!! 🙂

    Modern Siren focuses more on developing and healing your inner self…confidence, femininity. What I like best is beautiful visualizations to imagine yourself being air, water, rock, etc.

    But overall I think CB is the better of the two.

    Best wishes!!

  68.  #68Daria on September 26, 2010 at 9:31 pm

    I like the built in Witness to my Journaling to!!
    hello Goodess voices!!

    mm i love the way Life is too Short wrote that line

  69.  #69Orna Walters on September 26, 2010 at 10:35 pm

    Great post Rori!

    I’ll simply add what I’ve said here before:


    Its just not possible, it doesn’t work that way. Rori, you hit the nail on the head by saying “Its not our job to figure it out.”

    It is our job to take the BEST care of us. That means honoring our feelings by FEELING them. Disappointment, hurt, anger, frustration, etc. FEEL ‘EM ALL!

    Then look for the golden nugget. All men while dating are there for us to discover about ourselves. So what was the learning experience? Its not “How to do it better or different the next time.” Its deeper than that.

    I once learned at the end of a 14 month relationship that my now ex-bf’s family loved one another RESPECTFULLY! That was my golden nugget! To see it and experience it in action. Respectful love did not exist in my family of origin. That was the ONE reason he showed up for me.

    That was a HUGE Golden Nugget – one that allowed me to spend time leaning how to love respectfully so I could give it and be open to receive it.

    Now that is the foundation of my marriage and my work with my clients.

    This may be my FAVORITE thing that I’ve seen you write here, Rori: “This is not a time to take action toward him – except to AGREE with him. To say “Thank you for letting me know, and I’ll miss you horribly, and I wish you the best, and look forward to being with you when all this clears up.”

    Love and Abundance,

  70.  #70Brenda on September 26, 2010 at 10:44 pm

    I want to get “Reconnect Your Relationship” for Ryan and me! God, please manifest the money so I can get this!

  71.  #71Jacqueline on September 26, 2010 at 10:52 pm

    Lifeis2short- I am here to connect, to encourage, to inspire and to listen; however I am NOT here to witness your internal conversation, nor anyone else’s. You can journal on your own for that, and by replying to this or any other statement or question someone asks of you here, you negate the “witness” act. You may be here for whatever reason you choose, your actions in conversing say to me that the reason you gave is off the mark.

    Doesn’t matter – I’m here to connect, to encourage, to inspire, to be inspired, to listen, to spread the LOVE of the universe that Rori talks about – see it in any and every face in front of me, all the time.

    This is called “The Place Marked Plenty of Love,” and it says, “Imagine ahead of you is the place marked Love.

    Imagine that place starts where you’re standing. You can have love if you want love.

    And even if you’re not certain at this moment that you really do want love, I’ll want it for you. I’ll hold your place, in the place marked Love.”

    So, thank you for love, Brenda, thank you for love everyone who emails me, thank you for love to all of you who listen, dialogue, affirm, connect, respect and allow my voice. Thank you, Rori for holding the spot in line for all of us, in the place marked Love.

  72.  #72Jacqueline on September 26, 2010 at 10:53 pm

    missing attribute for quotes: Heart Connection Toolkit book by Rori….

  73.  #73Daria on September 26, 2010 at 11:13 pm

    Jaqueline – i feel angry reading what you wrote to life is too short, because i too use this as a “floating journal” . your voice comes thru on the computer and i use it for healing, but this IS my journal, whether you say so or not. and i don’t like

    beint told im lying

    Jaqueline i feel really annoyed to see people being attacked by you. It feels like a constant constant attack of the way Rori has designated this blog to work… as therapy, and for us to use for riffing and journaling, and using the words of others to be inspired.

    Reading that you are here to inspire is a turn off.

    I am hear to be inspired, and therefore inspire.

    I am not interested in inspiration that is thrown at me in a non sharing, labeling judgemental way.

    I feel really furious.

    I do not like attacking conversation here.

  74.  #74Daria on September 26, 2010 at 11:18 pm

    I feel so furious that my words are feeling clumsy.

    I appreciate your contributions to the blog, and I have seen you participate here in a healthy way.

    However, attacking people feels horrible. I don’t want that. This behavior feels bad. What do you think can be done?

    I don’t trust you. I feel afraid of attacks.

    I feel afraid that I will attack you TOO


    maybe that’s all this trigger is, a mirror.

    Either way, I too use this place as my floating journal , and i feel furious to have it be told that it is not so.

    I do NOT want to hear that.


    I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING IN RAGE to protect my self from being told that I am not in charge of my own expression.

    I feel viciously defensive

    i feel like cutting down 1000 tigers that dare attack me and say that i am not waht i say!

    i AM a Goddess.

    this IS my sacred floating journal.

    I WILL NOT TOLERATE being put down.


    i lvoe my feelings.

    i love my standing up for myself.

    … i feel guilty that my language picks up an attacking energy…

    they will trigger Jaqueline is my guess

    i feel disappointed about that

    but glad that i am still babystepping to expressing my anger

  75.  #75Daria on September 26, 2010 at 11:21 pm

    I feel like screaming, how DARE you tell anyone you can journal on your own for that!!

    I feel like I WOULD want to SLAP YoU IF yOU SAID ThaT TO My FACE

    but i don’t want to do that

    i lovee my feelings.

    how about instead…

    i feel OUTRAGED!!! to hear someone in my position be told You can Journal on your own for that!

    I do NOT want to tolerate being spoken to this way.


  76.  #76Daria on September 26, 2010 at 11:23 pm

    i just wann footstomp all this anger out

  77.  #77Daria on September 27, 2010 at 12:16 am

    he is crazy in love with me crazy in love with my crazy in love with me


    i feel so excited




    i feel amsued at myself

    i fele soooooooooo freakin attractive riht now

  78.  #78life_is_too_short_to... on September 27, 2010 at 12:27 am

    In your reply, I am not hearing that you truly fully understood what I wrote, Jacqueline.

    You seem to be saying
    that some of what i write is not just journaling, but also replying, and therefore I AM getting involved on some level. That’s true. There IS some connecting going on.

    The main point I am trying to convey is that I am practicing not over-functioning with everybody, not just men.

    I do care about all women and their processes, because we are all connected.

    I was not saying that I am the one who is witnessing. I am saying that because there is an “audience” here, it is like built-in accountability for me.

    Is this a little clearer now?

    If not, feel free to ask questions.

  79.  #79life_is_too_short_to... on September 27, 2010 at 12:47 am

    72. Daria
    Jacqueline sounded bossy to me in her post, not exactly attacking, and maybe a little one-upping, like her intentions here on the blog are somehow more virtuous and filled with “love” than mine. I felt that her initial post about rallying support for Dorothea “what’s the matter with all of you?!!!” was guilt and toxic shame-based.

    I am whole and complete, and I love and accept myself and am powerful, no matter what my intentions for interacting on this blog are, or what anyone thinks about it.

  80.  #80life_is_too_short_to... on September 27, 2010 at 12:50 am

    Her intentions and ways for interacting are not better or worse than mine. They just ARE.

  81.  #81Lorelei on September 27, 2010 at 3:01 am

    Well, this week I will be mostly writing about online dating. I’ve been on a paid site for only a week – and wow, all these man-messages are coming at me. Paid sites do seem to have many more high-callibre men on them than the free ones. . . I really hope my investment pays off! It’s turning into a very steep learning curve!!! I feel very strong intuitions about the men and their whole vibe (from how their messages make me feel). I’m really curious to meet them to find out if my online intuition was good.But my main task is to hear the underlying message each guy sends, and practice the tools. And just get used to the whole thing.

    For example, Man3 is eager for a meeting, without having had the usual couple of emails and a phone call. It feels a bit pushy, but he looks interesting. So I’m open to meeting. But he lives 2-3 hours drive away. And he suggested meeting at a motorway services station (not very atmospheric, but it is practical) that is somewhere between the two of us, but if anything, a bit closer to where he lives.

    I want to be authentic, because I’m noticing that I have a temptation to twist myself into the shape and way of talking, and attitued that the man initiates – of his vibe. I don’t want to do that, because this is where I’ve been going wrong all these years. (Gulp) I realise I have often done that – like a chameleon, in order to fit with what they seem to be wanting. Soooo tempting to say,”OK, let’s meet halfway.” But I just sent a message saying, “it would be good to meet in person. But to my amazement, I’m feeling very old-fashioned about all this stuff, especially when meeting men I’ve only emailed. I’m new to this, and I feel a bit vulnerable as a woman. I don’t feel comfortable driving long distance to meet. What do you think?” etc. At least I hope I put the “What do you think at the end”!

    When there’s some distance involved, is it ever OK to meet half way?

    I also offered my number, without any suggestion about what he does with it. I’m a bit confused about this giving a contact number early on online . . It feels like leaning forward. But I’m aware that Rori recommends it in online dating to try and prevent becoming a long-term penpal and get to a meeting sooner rather than later.

    Would love it if anyone can clarify this point.

    But anyway, I’ve experimented with just putting it simply at the end of the message. And I am open to the outcome, whatever it is.

  82.  #82Lorelei on September 27, 2010 at 3:15 am

    Also – just want to share – Man1 contact really creeped me out by mentioning photographing nude brunettes in his second email. I listened to how it made me feel . . listened to what some of you had to say, and slept on it a few nights. Daria – it is possible he was flirting, but my majorly creeped-out feelings would’t go away.

    So I messaged him saying “I feel really taken aback and quite uncomfortable with the ‘nude brunettes. What do you think?'”

    After a day or so he came back with: “The nude brunettes won’t be coming on the dates. But if you’re uncomfortable with that, then maybe we have a problem, Houston.”

    That wasn’t as reassuring as it could have been. So I’ve deleted him with a message saying “We don’t seem really suited. Good luck in your quest.”

    This actually made me laugh, cos I do think his quest is for pin-up girls. But he can take it however he likes. Feel a huge sense of relief in deleting him.

  83.  #83BarbinOz on September 27, 2010 at 3:22 am

    Lizzie #53

    I too thought Dorothea had just gone for a short break away from the emotional stuff going down over the weekend. I know I have found it hard enough to deal with as just an observer not a participant. I REALLY, REALLY don’t like all this kind of thing, people may call it mirrors or riffing or whatever, but if it makes you feel bad, then you don’t have to be here…..some of us need to keep away from bad stuff as we have had enough of it in real life and don’t want to go down that path again, and yes I include myself coming from an abusive childhood and marriage………it’s in the past and I am OK now but I don’t want to have to have it all rehashed again and again………its the same in real life………I keep away from conflict…….somebody once said there are 2 kinds of people, “radiators” who make you feel all nice and cosy and you like to be near them and “drains”, who sap all the life energy out of you with their negativity and “bitching” and that is how I felt this weekend too, like people were trying to get one up on one another and maybe they thought they were helping but they weren’t really they were just trying to FORCE their own POV on others ……..maybe Dorothea just needs a break and I think it was SS who said she sometimes takes one and comes back feeling refreshed and ready to get onboard again……….

  84.  #84BarbinOz on September 27, 2010 at 3:27 am

    Lorelei #78

    OMG you have just highlighted EXACTLY what I have been feeling about the travelling to dates I have been feeling tonight!! You and I are in the same boat so lets compare notes!! I only joined a paid dating site on Friday night!!

    I live in Sydney (Australia) which is a big city, so say if a guy lives in the west and I live in the south, its going to take a few hours of travel either way, well I was thinking of doing the half way thing too, but then I thought it’s not the RR way the man is supposed to come to you, but if its only for a cup of coffee it seems a bit harsh……….

    Any others have input on when you live far away from CD’s??? Should you even be travelling at all? If I am looking for local men, say in a 10km radius then I am going to be sorely dissapointed.

    And another thing, without being horrible (sorry) but if you are attracting very unattractive men is that about you or about them?

  85.  #85Daria on September 27, 2010 at 3:30 am

    Lorelei – to me his mention and his answer feel amusing, but yes, not 100% making me feel special.

    like i was telling 19, i dont want to hear about other women.

    and i would def go with my feelings, even if everything seemed great on paper. if it felt creepy, i would acknowledge that… theres something triggering that for sure, even if i dont know what it is yet…

  86.  #86BarbinOz on September 27, 2010 at 3:40 am

    Lorelei #78 again

    This was a message the Sirens gave me a few weeks back on the 3 that never got back to me LOL! I have just used it on C on POF who seems to want to get the emails going back and forth when I have already got on there I am not looking for penpals:


    I have decided I really don’t want to email much anymore. I am interested in meeting people, and from now on, most of my interactions will be live and in person. What do you think?


  87.  #87Daria on September 27, 2010 at 3:51 am

    I remember what was missing!!

    CD man, when he said what he likes about me, the first thing he said is:

    your self esteem.

    wow!!! i felt smily!!!

    AAANd. when i finally felt heard by 19 man about not feeling special. when he told me he’s polyamorous. lol… etc.

    i said… well, i don’t feel special [that way, with a man who’s bringing up other women]

    and its dropping my self esteem. and i dont want that

    and he said, whoa! yeah i Felt that (my self esteem dropping).

    so i said yeah, and so i don’t want that for myself, even if i think a man is amazing.

    then he got it, and i felt really heard, and there was no more instances of icky feelings, from then on.


    for self esteem!

  88.  #88Lizzie on September 27, 2010 at 6:03 am

    Meeting people and on-line dating – I have been on and off with this for a few years now and have become far more comfortable with the process over time. Contrary to what many people will say, I will travel just about anywhere to meet my “prospect”.

    It is really important to keep in mind that absolutely nothing that happens on line is of any value – other than to have on an “include” list or “exclude” list. That is it. I have discovered that no matter how fabulous the photo, nothing matches in-person. I have discovered that no matter how “hot and fabulolus” the writting, nothing matches in-person. I have discovered that no matter how awesome “the voice” over the phone, nothing matches in-person. So the method I have now working that actually generates a pleasant date: if I like the picture, he is in the include pile and I try to get a meeting as fast as possible. If he insists on an email-back-and forth more than 2X, I put him on the exclude file, if he insists on a telephone call, he goes on the exclude file. Actually, I will no longer talk to people on the phone – at all – many many people will disagree with this.

    Contrary to what many people do, I am the one who travels to meet. The man will always ask what area I live in and suggest something. I will usually pick somewhere half way and I like to make it lunch, but have done coffee, drinks, dinner – my favourite is lunch.

    This is why this works for me:
    – I do have excellent social skills and can talk to anyone, anywhere, any time. It is one of my great gifts. Even as a professional counsellor, I always took on the people with the worst social skills because I could build a relationship with them
    – I am often in other parts of the city so I know my way around and feel comfortable in many of the neighbourhoods
    – I feel safer with my car nearby
    – I prefer lunch because I like to get the other person to relax enough for me to be able to get to know them at least a bit
    – coffee doesn’t give me enough time to reflect and practice any of the tools
    – I tend to slip into “work” mode – this is an important indicator for me. If I slip into “work” mode, I know for sure he is not on the keeper list/CD list and now I am quite sure I begin to emit a “no” vibe to the guy because I don’t hear back from them. All the while, we have indeed had a really lovely time. And, I almost never pay.

    Here are a few other tips – for those of us who are in my age category (50+):
    – plan that every man is about 5 years older than they say
    – plan that they are 2-5 inches shorter than they say
    – plan that they are 40 pounds heavier than they say
    – plan that they have a ton of “baggage” – some are far more in pain and hurt than others

    Then! be gloriously surprised and happy when they are what their profile stated – because about 10% of the men I have met are exactly what they said they were.

    Also, and this to me is the most important – I have met some truly lovely, wonderful, careing, delightful, sweetie men. All of them. I have probably dated 40 men in the past 2 years. All of them are fabulous and definate keepers – just not for me.

    I love men.

  89.  #89Ragnell on September 27, 2010 at 7:04 am


    I left a message on Dorothea’s blog to let her know that I’m here, reading, and that I care. Maybe I didn’t say that, ’cause all I wrote was “hi”. I would feel safer if, like her, I took my feelings to my own space or blog instead of flooding or being flooded by other people’s feeling messages.

  90.  #90Ragnell on September 27, 2010 at 7:07 am

    Re: 76: life_is_too_short_to…

    You wrote “Jacqueline sounded bossy to me in her post, not exactly attacking, and maybe a little one-upping, like her intentions here on the blog are somehow more virtuous and filled with “love” than mine.”

    This is the way I have felt about Daria and Brenda and Erika. And I have commented that I don’t want to be outgirled by a girl.

  91.  #91Renee on September 27, 2010 at 7:11 am

    Ladies — Just in case you were wondering, the Renee in Rori’s post is a different Renee — the letter totally sounds like something I would write, though, doesn’t it?

    I wanted to apologize to everyone for letting myself get dragged into a nasty conflict this weekend on the blog — I don’t usually pariticpate in that kind of thing and I can only claim that nicotine withdrawel was making me kind of raw and on edge, but I feel bad that I participated in something that made some of you feel bad.

    Also, I wanted to share with you all that I had a really wonderful weekend with Blondie…I think I’m starting to fall for him and as you can guess, this comes as a big surprise to me based on where we started! Just a week and a half ago, I wasn’t sure I even wanted to see him again…I enjoyed his company to a certain extent and thought he was kind of cute, but I wasn’t feeling anything really “special” with him. And, to be honest, I was judging him for his imperfections instead of just really being open to him.

    Something started changing about 8 days ago, though, and despite the one bad day we had last week, things moved forward further this weekend and I’m finding myself feeling really good around him.

    My only dilemma now, really, is if/when to become exclusive with him…he’s not pressuring me, but he took down his Match profile and says things like, “I don’t want you kissing other men like this”, and “Do you hold any of the other men you’re dating like this?”…but he says it in such a gently way that it doesn’t really feel like pressure to me.

    This is the first time since I’ve been cd’ing that I’ve been really tempted to become exclusive with someone…I mean, I know Rori advocates not becoming exclusive until there’s a ring, but I don’t know if that feels good to me. I can totally see how that can work for others, so I’m fine with the concept, I just don’t feel like it’s what I want.

    However, I also don’t want to be taken for granted and end up pining for a real committment 6-12 months down the road. But I don’t think those two things have to be mutually exclusive…this guy is so giving and loving that I think it would feel good just to melt into this relationship right now…I’m probably going to continue cd’ing for another week or two, but if things keep going in the direction they’re going, I don’t know that my heart would be in it.

    I guess the main thing I wanted to share with everyone on siren island is that surprises can really happen with some of these men…if a month ago you would have told me I’d be seriously considering getting exclusive with Blondie, I would have laughed in your face. Seriously. But now that I’ve been getting to know him, I find his zest for life is so infectious that I feel happier, more engaged with the world and at the same time more peaceful when I’m around him…I feel adored even though he already knows most of my flaws at this point (we talk very openly about most everything) and that feels really good.

    Hope all of you have a wonderful day and a wonderful week:-).

  92.  #92Simply Shannon on September 27, 2010 at 7:34 am

    Life is too short, I feel in awe. Thank you. I really wanted to be uplifted this morning and you did that for me. Thank you!

    I seem to be attracting a lot of this in my own life. People who are so broken and crying out for help. The huge power trip part of myself wants to “save” them but I’m not God. I’m not the one they need. They need themselves and God. So how to be open and helpful without “saving” them? Cuz wanting to save them is my ego talking. Sort of the same thing as this situation with folks leaving. I want to throw on my red cape and beg people to do something, so that when they do it, I’m the hero.

    I don’t want to be the hero anymore. I’m just not that good. I mean, thank God I’m not God.

    And no joke, I’ve had at least three people mention the word “leaving” in the past week. (Not including everyone here). I feel scared for these three, like worried about suicide and really dark places kind of worried. I can’t save them. I feel completely powerless and scared.

    God keeps bringing me these people into my life. I feel overwhelmed by the amount of pain I see all around me. It makes all this relationship stuff seem silly but I know relationship is all there really is. Maybe what feels silly and egotistical is my desire to have a specific relationship for myself, for my specific needs to be met. At times that clouds the needs of other people. I’m constantly searching for my own angle on things, ergo how is this relationship benefiting me.

    And yet I still need to take care of me. I feel frustrated and bored and overwhelmed. Crazy mix.

  93.  #93Rhon on September 27, 2010 at 8:00 am

    I posted on here over the weekend, but it’s not there now. Did I do something wrong? It said it was waiting to be modified or something.

  94.  #94Rhon on September 27, 2010 at 8:00 am

    Do I need to do something special to get my post on?

  95.  #95life_is_too_short_to... on September 27, 2010 at 8:31 am

    Hi Shannon! I feel your frustration.

    How to be open and helpful without saving them,

    Level 2 listening is really all that is needed, in my opinion, although that in itself is a tall order.

    And, if I am asked for advice, I can give it or not give it, based on if you have experience with it,
    or what you know from a friend or relative’s experience with it.

    One of my best friends always waits to be asked for advice. Sometimes she will mirror back to me what I have said, with her own unique slant on it, with just enough difference to maybe jog me out of my comfort zone or perspective.

    The need to “save” or “rescue” and the resulting actions are very often about our own needs to feel better about ourselves, and it’s not “clean”. It’s using and manipulation.

    Someone recently mentioned “balance”. As a mother who raised two daughters on my own, there was always the awareness that “if mama ain’t happy, ain’t no one gonna be happy”, so, if I didn’t take reasonable care of my own needs in healthy ways, the others who I was responsible for taking care of would suffer as a result.

  96.  #96Lizzie on September 27, 2010 at 8:56 am

    He flamed out is a really interesting post. Seems the writer needs to take a step back and look at several things – there really are a multiplicity of things going on. He is struggling with issues in his life that are taking considerable energy. She needs to take a look at her own demands for the energy he doesn’t have available for her. In looking at the complexity of life, there are a few things that men seem to need to have in place before they can truly immerse themselves in a relationship – they need to be able to provide; they need to be on the path of their life mission; and they need to feel respected for who they are. In his picture, he is in shaky territory on all three of these dimensions. If he were shaky in one, most likely he would be able to invest the time in the relationship – but at present he can’t. When we consider this context, Rori makes a great deal of sense – it isn’t about trying to figure out what he means; it is about being open to him in his life context. As he makes tracks in the other areas that are troublesome, he just may come back to the fledgling relationship and see if he can pick it up again.

    I can see this same thing playing out in a fledgling relationship I have with Family Guy. He is extremely busy – working in another city on the weeks he doesn’t have his kids, and when he has his kids he is totally present with them, and his ex has asked for more…he doesn’t have time available to invest in building a relationship with a “normal” intensity, it needs to be a slow-cooker. This list has saved my life on that one! If I hadn’t let it slow cook, (he did at one time ask me for understanding, which I do), I would have written him off as a dead-beat, I would have turned into an email terrorist, I would have stalked him and then blown-up, I would have wailed in agony. Instead, I am CDing, have new profiles posted on three dating sites and continue to meet people, we have an occasional email-convo, and I no longer feel so invested in the outcome. I also will need to consider, if this relationship turns into a relationship, the ex will always be in his life and his disabled child will profoundly impact all decisions he will make for the rest of his life, and I will need to be cracked way more open than I am to be in love with the entire package. So, I am far happier now and that is what works for me.

  97.  #97Brenda on September 27, 2010 at 9:02 am


    RE: #88 – Awesome! Thanks for the good news about Blondie! 🙂

  98.  #98Brenda on September 27, 2010 at 9:04 am


    RE: #89 – Beautiful! I like that!~

  99.  #99Lizzie on September 27, 2010 at 9:06 am

    Shannon and LIfe…so beautifully expressed.

    Shannon, you can say to your friends, that you are there for them and for them to know in their hearts that they are loved and accepted for who they are

    As Life described, offering advice is permission-based. It needs to be requested. Interestingly on those occasions when I can’t contain myself and I lean over, and give someone “well deserved” advice, they get really angry with me! Surprise surprise. Twenty years in the counselling world and I still catch myself – LOL! It is a life journey….

    Send your friends loving vibes. Pray for them – if that makes sense to you. See! I just gave you advice!!! grrrr to self…..my

  100.  #100Renee on September 27, 2010 at 9:19 am

    Brenda — Thank you…it feels good to feel so good when I’m with a man:-). Are you still cd’ing just yourself?

    Barb — On the distance thing…everyone has their own perspective, of course, but I feel strongly that the man should come to me for the first couple of dates…it shows he’s willing/able to be a giver in the relationship in the way that sirens deserve to be given to. The two times I’ve broken that rule and met them either halfway or in their city, it seems like they didn’t value me quite as much…I think it goes back to the ‘high degree of difficulty” that Rori talks about.

    When it comes to explaining why, I say pretty much what you said, which is that I’m kind of old-fashioned and I believe that the guy should come to the girl initially. I share that if things were to develop, I would be willing to spend some time in their city too (not sure if Rori would actually approve of that, but it feels better to show that I’m not all about me)…I think most reasonable men expect to give, but they also expect to receive at least a little and as long as the proportions are in my favor, I’m ok w/it…it’s when I’ve leaned forward by initiating or gotten too caught up too early that things have gone south in my past LD relaitonships, I think the fact that I’ve visted them some (after they first came to me) is ok. What do you think?

  101.  #101life_is_too_short_to... on September 27, 2010 at 9:20 am

    Just to add to what I said, the attitude I would like to focus on towards all relationship actions and their results is a “what you get is not up to you” attitude,
    which Rori describes in her post.

    The Universe, God, does not care if you are happy or not, It has to take care of everybody.

    If when I do a certain action I expect a certain result, it will cause agitation and clouds the bigger picture.

    It’s better to stop worrying about what I’m going to get from any action and just do my best and do the work and practice.

    I feel comfort from Rori saying if he doesn’t come back, he is not the right one for you. Yes. No matter what you do, really.

    I also feel comfort in knowing that everything, whether I deem it good or bad, is a gift.

    I LOVE< LOVE LOVE Orna Walters post # 66

    Thank you!!

  102.  #102life_is_too_short_to... on September 27, 2010 at 9:35 am

    91. Thank you Lizzie!

    I feel a twinge of regret that I may have burned a bridge with LD (Long Distance) man, but, he is just like the man in the post…too many demands on him, very bruised ego, and just not available.

    He was not honoring or respecting my requests for distance and was repeatedly reeling me in, thinking he was giving me what I needed (according to him) so that I would stay around to give him what he needed. Relationship of mutual convenience based on control and manipulation. Meantime, I am after a relationship of shared virtue based on real love.

    Each time, I went on a roller coaster ride of emotions and it took its toll. It took a tremendous amount of strength for me (and I do honestly believe I took several different approaches including gentle feeling ones), until finally I had to communicate from a place of “righteous anger”.

    So now it feels like I am being punished, because his ego took a hit again. I don’t care, I am not dwelling on it, because I know I don’t deserve punishment. I am feeling better and better every day, my self esteem is building up again from having only a few text messages with him in three weeks. If he is truly the one for me and has a big turn-around then he will come back, but meantime, I am not holding my breath, am re-directing thoughts of him and his reasons and his life and my hormones, onto other things, people and projects, and I am working the CDing.

    I feel excitement and joy!

  103.  #103Lorelei on September 27, 2010 at 9:42 am

    Barb, Daria, Lizzie – thanks for all the replies to my online dating feelings.

    I take it all on board – and Lizzie, especially interested you idea that it might be OK to travel sometimes, and having the car at hand for a quick exit if necessary is a great idea!

    Barb- I take your point in the spirit you intended it. I’ve only commented here about 2 contacts – there are a number of others who are not horrible at all – so I’m attracting a mix, mostly quite high-callibre. It’s just the one creepy one – and boy it was creepy. Way beyond my comfort zone anyway. And I begin to look at what it’s triggering in me. There was also something funny about the profile – for a man who says he is a professional photographer, he did not have a great photo of himself up. As a professional in the visual arts myself, I find this very odd. There are a few digital tweaks anyone with a professional knowledge would have made . . I know the industry well enough, I know a lot of professional photographers and their work . .

    But – eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek/yippeeeee, I have my first meeting pretty much set up. Man 3 phoned me two hours after I mentioned my number. Lizzie, I get that I can’t tell much from the voice, but it wasn’t a turn off. And we’re going to meet for lunch on Saturday, and he is going to drive to meet here in my town. He doesn’t know the area, so he suggested a well-know chain of (very nice) restaurants, which I’m going to go with, to avoid making lots of suggestions. All I have to do is let him know the time (I have other commitments the same day). He asked me to call back about this, later in the week, and that feels OK. Although his quite brief emails made me feel a bit pressured, talking on the phone I didn’t feel that so much. So I began to feel confident to go to a lunch date. Talking on the phone did help my decision that go – for me, this is a big step – we have enough interests and professional stuff in common, and as long as I stay in feeling waterwheel mode, it’s going to be interesting.

    I have been CD-ing for some months now, but this is my first meet-up date for about 16 years, and after the end of my marriage. This is why it’s such a big thing. But I’m hoping to get used to this sort of thing.

    And Barb- I’m 49 and a half!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!! Actually, feels it will be quite exciting, even if he’s just the first in a long line of men, just to get those tools going in a ‘live date’ situation. I wish I could memorise all the Rori tools and the programmes I have.

    Let’s go on comparing notes. And tonight I’m going to Salsa class for more practice with Rori’s tools, as well as with the dancing.

  104.  #104life_is_too_short_to... on September 27, 2010 at 9:46 am

    I feel those familiar twinges of wanting to “be there” for him, there’s that rescue/saving thing….
    but, deep down, I don’t want to be his mommy for the man-child to f**k, like Gen said, and settle for crumbs, when I already AM the whole cake….and just primed and cooled off enough to have the icing put on it….bring on the men who are ready to man up!!

  105.  #105Lizzie on September 27, 2010 at 10:09 am

    Lorelei – I remember so well my very first date!! OMG!! was I ever freaked – just like being 16. Enjoy that part and please go with no expectations – this is not the rest of your life (I don’t know why our brains do that to ourselves..) it is just a guy and he is as excited as you are. It is so sweet – I lOVE first dates for all the excitement and anticipation.

    And I am 53.

    Life – you did the right thing. You, I , others, can not fix a man or his problems. ever. I as well, never want to be in the position of being the mans’ counsellor/mommy/transition specialist/meal ticket, ever again. Even when these guys come back, and some do, I just let them keep on going. It is your name – life is too short….

    hugs to you.

  106.  #106Jacqueline on September 27, 2010 at 10:58 am

    Hi, everyone! Is there a Rori cake analogy I’m missing, because the words crumbs come up a lot lately? I did read that this is an interactive blog – so I’m going with that. Of course anyone and everyone take what they want or need and leave the rest – from anyone, it’s here in public! LOL…

    I myself always want to give friend or lover the benefit of the doubt, and have always stayed in contact with “exes,” it’s not easy, but it is satisfying – when you love someone, the love doesn’t evaporate, so why should I pretend it did? It just means love doesn’t make life work out.

    Which is a great topic for me to write about. Just a shoutout to everyone who wrote, and yeah, I think that her posting her “real” email, etc. was a goodbye, and I’m sad about it.

    Shannon – my best friend of 17 years and boss at my job for 7 of them, tried suicide, got “saved” and came back brain damaged and with cancer. If I thought someone I knew was close to it – anywhere near close, I’d intervene somehow. Trying it is clearly not always a permanent solution; I can’t even describe how horrifying it is for me, much less her.

    I am sharing, tho, not bossing. Actually, if one were inspired to help someone not commit suicide from that, that would be my purpose in sharing here.

    It is very clear however that that is not what we are all about; it is what I’m about.

    Everyone have a great day,

  107.  #107Simply Shannon on September 27, 2010 at 11:22 am

    Life: I almost have no words. Whether you want to or not, you are channeling God for me. 🙂 Seriously what I wanted to hear today. Going to sit with a lot of it tonight. May write more later. Thank you!

    Jacqueline: I feel so much better/lighter reading your last post. Thank you. And yes, I am sort of intervening. At least I’ve made it known I want to talk to the person. Right now he’s not taking up on my offer. I feel conflicted about whether to search him out again. We’ll see. Right now I’m trusting God to give me the right next step. I am not in control. And darn it, I like me. 🙂

  108.  #108healingsound on September 27, 2010 at 11:23 am

    k. so here I am, in a place where I don’t feel safe anymore. With a guy.
    It feels like all my energy is being drained away, from my solar plexus, just thinking about him.
    And at the momen, no matter what I feel or think or decide to do about it, it doesn’t really make t feel better.
    I’m really tired of it.
    The thing is, we met about a year ago. G’s a successful guy in the music business, and we met through a common friend, and G’s (interest in my music.
    We had a fling, spent some time togehter, and it felt good, I felt like a woman, wined and dined etc. I’ve been through a lot the past few years, raising my kid (now big) on my own, through a nearly fatal illness etc, in a foreign country..etc.And working very hard towards my Purpose in Life goals, but meeting a lot of challenges along the way, to say the least.
    So this guy, although I didn’t think of him as a potential life long partner initially, sort of just showed up..And it felt ok, and even good, even though I was conflicted about mixing business with pleasure. So. He eventually returned overseas, to California, and we stayed in touch via Skype, mail etc. He’s very direct and gets very … passionate and intense sexually. Gradually the time difference and the different work loads came in to play and the thing sort of dwindled off for a while. At the same time I was starting to feel very frustrated with my manager who played the ‘man/woman’ card and made me, after initially feeling flattered, feel very sexually harassed. I went through a sort of grief with that; realizing that what I had maybe naively mistaken for pure connection was a control and domination issue, on a personal level as well as professionally too. I’ve been through so much bullshit in the music business it is hardly believable.
    Anyways. This guy, G., then came here to work on a project. We were discussing working on mine too. But financially difficult to realize.
    So. He was here, and we got to spend time together. I initially felt very vulnerable and a bit unseen. I stepped back and saw him more like just a work partner, not clinging on to the ‘relationship’. He then stepped up and became more affectionate, moving towards me more and we spent some very nice, really lovely and passionate time together. He was here for a month. He then went somewhere else and wanted to see me on the way back to California, but somehow his plane got mixed up and delayed and we missed eachother. I sat half numb not knowing what had happened. After he explained what happened I kept an open heart and things progressed more. He became very passionate, pursuing me quite a bit and hooking up via Skype etc. At this point my heart and my feelings were definitely in it. Because of so many circumstances I hadn’t really been v´with anyone (else) for a long time. It felt good to be pursued. But I started to miss more of a real connection, beside the sexual; him actually taking some regular time off to talk and just be there a bit more. Just relate, really. I have worked a lot on many levels for many years with a lot of the same ‘tools’ asR is talking about. So I communicated, in very feeling, non blaming ways, my needs to relate abit closer etc. He seemed to respond to it and made efforts, while all the same time not really… giving so much of himself, emotionally, as I would have liked. It’s as if he’s a bit stunted emotionally. Also sexually this comes out as a need very much to doninate. Which I’m fine with, too, as long as I feel safe etc, and I actually enjoy this’ wild animal’ desire that he gets. He has uttered things like’ ‘ feeling like there are no limits to us,’.. ‘you’re the best, ever’ etc, which is nice (!) obviously.. but I have still sensed that his need for control is somewhat fear based. I need someone who is NOT emotionally ‘crippled’, who is not too afraid to grow etc.
    Anywas. Then, a couple of months ago, things culminated here with me, practically, financially, where I really had to get things moving forward with my project; the manager wasn’t doing much and I felt increasingly frustrated with being sort of a ‘playmate’, to G. And not really feeling he was actually taking o board the realities I was struggling with, and as thus I felt still unseen and that he could and should be doing more to thelp ake things forward for me. After all, he is in a much more powerful position than me, and he COULD do much more. He is VERY affirmative and supportive of my work and admires what I do. But still, I have felt that he isn’t really grounded enough to actually do so much about it . This made me feel … like I said, that we weren’t really RELATING. It was more FUN etc. And I felt like I was supposed to jsut sit and be available at his request, while the house was falling down around me. So, I spoke to him about these things and asked him if he could actually do something practical to help me move things forward. After all, he has all the contacts in the business. He gave some adviced but wasn’t actually as helpful as I would have thought would be natural. That left me feeling very disappointed. (things were really quite catastrophic, with more or less loosing my flat etc etc. Having invested a LOT into my project and but thinga being incredibly slow with the whole business in crisis)
    So. it made me think: OK, lets be practical here, and really jsut do what needs to be done. I’ll take charge and move things along on my own. After all, I am the owner of my project. ‘ I still felt very..empty and disappionted with not more reality sort of coming into this ‘relationship’.
    It made me think a lot. And I felt confused. Then we didn’t speak for several weeks. I felt quite distraught but dealt with everything and felt very much on my own. When we finally spoke, he was aibt cold but wanted ‘ a nice chat’ later. I sat down and wrote him a long letter, in a very non blaming way, expressing a lot of things that I had needed to express. And how bad it had made me feel to suddenly not be hearing anything for weeks, after we had been relating so closely etc. I also told him honestly that his reply that he couldn’t really help me made me feel very confused etc. That to me it would seem natural to jsut try to think of even minor things to do. I sent the letter (e.mail)
    feeling very emotional, as I was preparing to let go of the whole thing, cried quite a bit but also felt at peace with being emotionally honest and vulnerable,- he could take it as he liked. Then don’t you know he calls in the middle of the night and is very passionate and missing me so much etc. We discussed seeing each other, as he was here in Europe. I still felt, because he went straight into ‘hunny bunny’ mode and sex talk, that …. somehow I needed to express just how bad it had made me feel to not hear anything for weeks (feeling dumped) and than suddenly straight onto this. So I told him I needed some reassurance that he wasn1t just playing games with me. That I am a sensitive person and that it hurts to be switched so much on and off. Anyway, we then discussed him coming to see me before returning to the US.
    I left it for a few days. Started thinking about him coming, getting all warm and open about it, then wondering what, when, will he..? after a few days he contacted me on my birthday, which made me happy, I was in a hurry so couldn’t really talk,- he wanted to ‘come and see me and give me a very nice present’ etc, which made me happy. Then he left directly for the US, (which I in turn realized online). He had told me he had a very important project waiting over there..but I got, again, disappointed, upset, felt SOO drained by the whole situation, and felt like..what the hell do we have here, what do you WANT??? I sent him a short line on skype asking whether he was coming, had gone back or whatever, and also said I thought ‘real life better than fantasy’.
    It made me feel upset that he hadn’t come, hadn’t realized how important it was for the relationship,- to actually spend some quality time together. And I decided to step back, really detach much more form the whole thing,- feeling like well ok, my needs aren’t being met here, at all, what do I do about that’? Does he even CARE???? etc. So, I’ve pretty much stepped back now, still sent an hello the other day, and a how are you, which he hasn’t replied to and which immediately made me feel under pressure myself, to ‘figure out, to talk, to DEAL ‘ with all this, these limitations etc. Today I’ve felt pretty awful, feeling I’m at a crossroad here, and the guy doesn’t even realize it,- it feels like I’m bleeding/leaking energy around in my hara and solar plexus chakra area.
    So I guess in my mind I’m wondering pretty much if this is a complete dead end here, if this man will EVER be able to actually meet me , with the empathy and the emotional intelligence I actually need in a partner.. so far it feels like I’v been doing so much of the giving and that now leaves me feeling very drained.
    Actually, right now I’ve decided to not even bother being on Skype for a while,- just focus on myself and what I need to do and go out with other men etc. Still, it feels very sad at times. And it leaves me feeling very ‘dark’ just trying to let go completely. Still, because I do have feelings for him it feels like I can’t continue to just be so open to him emotionally and sexually in such a casual way and without him sort of relating in a more real way.
    Ah. that ‘s it.I think I actually said it there: that for me now, if we’re being sexual, I have to feel appreciated, -that I prefer something REAL to fantasy and imaginary relationships.. that I can’t feel like I’m at a total loss about whether I’ll b dumped or picked up again at any minute etc.
    That’s it. And as long as that’s the way it is, I can’t be there for him sexually, open and available etc.
    Then we’ll be relating as working partneres and friends. That’s all. Because I have to honor my feelings, which I do have for him, and not be left feeling I’m not appreciated etc, as the woman I am. That just leaves me feeling very raw and vulnerable, which I am very tired of. And it shouldn’t actually be so hard to get, that you have to take other people’s feeling into consideration.
    It is still weird, I KNOW he admires me and appreciates me a lot, that he even has strong feelings for me. But it feels like he doens’t know how to handle that, that he prefers at the time being to have the control he’s become used to having. And all the while, he’s talked about feeling like a ”lloser’ because he hasn’t accomplished anything, relationship wise, and that he actually misses thta deeper connection, that base, and how much he admires me for having raised my child at the same time as being creative and really having to fight so hard etc..
    It actually helps to write it all down, like a short story almost. Actually feeling better already.hmmm 🙂

  109.  #109Lizzie on September 27, 2010 at 11:48 am

    healingsound – It is so wonderful to write it all down – so healing! Now write a wonderful song about it.

    It sounds like he is married. That is just the blunt truth. Begin dating other people who will truly love and care for you – you as a real person.

  110.  #110healingsound on September 27, 2010 at 11:52 am

    thank you lizzie. the song is brewing, under way..

    he is not married. In fact I’m good friends with his ex-girlfriend of many years (long story)..

  111.  #111healingsound on September 27, 2010 at 12:03 pm

    ..oh. he’s married. to his work. that’s the truth. and I’ve sort of learned over this past year that he’s become used to putting his own needs before anyone else’s really. bad habits.. at the same time he expresses wanting to have kids etc one day and I’m thinking, ‘ok mate, begin with actually learning how to RELATE..!’ lol.

    in a way I feel he’s learning a lot through our relationship, and that he really appreciates that and wants to have me in his life etc.. but he doesn’t seem to realize that I’m busy too, that it’s not all about him being the hot shot.
    I know part of the issue and a main reason I’m feeling vulnerable is the vulnerability of the position i’m in, where finances and practicalities etc have been hanging in the air..
    So my main concern now is to deal with that. I hate feeling dependent in any way or sense or form, so my main focus now is on self reliance and not worrying about the outcome on the romance side of things with this guy.

  112.  #112Senior Lady Vibe on September 27, 2010 at 12:03 pm

    I’m still in moderation since yesterday so I’m just still reading the posts as I have been.

    Was there some sort of fight here over the weekend? I missed that since I was spending a lot of time with my grandchildren.

    I hope everyone here is happy again with each other.

  113.  #113tinque on September 27, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    healingsound – Yes this is about you, taking care of you in all ways. You must take your mind off of what he’s doing or not doing, what he’s thinking or not thinking.
    He will come, or he won’t. And there is really nothing you can do to control the outcome other than be authentically you. And again taking really good care of you.
    If this kind of what feels to me as off handed behavior continues, then you need to make a choice. Continue status quo, or go attract someone who will step up, and someone will.

  114.  #114healingsound on September 27, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    thank you tinque, that’s exactly my plan..!
    it feels good with some support, thanks again 🙂

  115.  #115Tina on September 27, 2010 at 1:07 pm

    Im working around men lately, this one today kinda touched my ear and stood in my comfy zone eeks! he said how are you, I said , I feel uncomfortable, he said why? but before i could answer another guy stepped in and and saved me lol. I feel myself shutting down. there is too many men ugh! all at once yipes! One guy sang too me lol. I had to laugh at singing man, he was entertaining at least.

  116.  #116Tina on September 27, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    Oh yes and I forgot to mention, I was poked in my side slightly and I was asked to do something and this one man pulled something out of my hair, whats up with all this touching lately?

  117.  #117Tina on September 27, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    not inappropriate touching just touching me finding reasons to be close to me. I have to figure this out , what tool can I use or what can or should I do? hm just smile?

  118.  #118Tina on September 27, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    men buzzing around yeah LOTS

  119.  #119BarbinOz on September 27, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    #85 Lizzie

    FANTASTIC post thank you, its just what I have been feeling, I have done the online dating before but that was before RR, then I would take time talking to one guy, then meet, then be disappointed about the older/shorter/no social skills side of things LOL!! Of course this “talking” could go on for weeks, even months and we live in the same city. Can I ask why you exclude men who want to talk on the phone, don’t you even do one phone call at all?

    But I can see what you are saying Lizzie, its like you are not “caught up” in meeting Mr Wonderful and if he does turn out to be a keeper, then it’s a surprise, not the opposite way I have been doing things, hope that makes sense!!

    I too have great social skills, feel safer with my car nearby or the means to get public transport easily (from the city centre) and plan on practising what you have shown me, thank you.

  120.  #120Karen on September 27, 2010 at 1:38 pm

    Brenda, thank you for the review about CB, I’ll keep it. 🙂

  121.  #121BarbinOz on September 27, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    Renee, yes I did think it was you in this story, and thought mmmmm so Blondie’s name is John huh? 🙂

    Shannon you write such beautiful words.

    Healing Sound, sorry to hear you have been led on, long distance relationships are the pits at the best of times, like the others say and you said yourself time to start CD’ing and who knows Californian man might step up!!

  122.  #122Lizzie on September 27, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    Barb – I don’t talk on the phone because I have found it leads too quickly to elimination when they could be a possible candidate. Most men don’t do well on the phone – they use the phone as a tool to arrange a meeting. I find that if I get into a conversation – the questions become strange, inapropriate, ackward etc etc. so if I am on the phone it is only to arrange a meeting. Even with Family Guy – we don’t talk on the phone, pretty much at all. I will call if I am looking like late etc. that is it. I have built relationships with incredibly wonderful men who have rather poor telephone presence. If I had “met them on the phone” first, I would never have met them. So the bottom line is, I want to meet as quickly as possible so that I don’t begin to create a false image of the person in my head.

    Even the guy I met on Saturday – with just 2 email exchanges I had created a different personality style. Lovely guy, but not for me. And we had a lovely time, talked lots, shared lots, and even said at the end, that we would like to see each other again, but I know my heart wasn’t into it and I don’t expect to hear from him again. Interestingly, he never sent me a thank you note. Family guy has sent me a thank you note after every date we have had. Isn’t that interesting.

    All that tells me, is that I really must see them as quickly as possible. I find it very difficult not to form images even when I consiously tell myself not to. I really want to have nice surprises.

    As for Rori tools, I simply can not lean back and gaze into a man’s eyes for 5 seconds when I have already picked up a “no” vibe. I certainly can when I am interested or when I am flirty – but when the guy really isn’t for me, my body will simply not do it. Like this kid told me that he got involved with older women because he lost his mother at age 15! OMG!!! Why would I ever want to gaze into his eyes for 5 seconds? OMG I am so laughing at the silliness of it. I do have to remain authentic to myself at some stage along the way – right? OMG Barb it is so funny….

  123.  #123BarbinOz on September 27, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    p.s. Renee, I loved the “story” of your weekend with Blondie, its funny how this RR stuff works when you open your heart. I wish I could remember it all too, I have been practising the stance and the open hand thing, though I do feel a little bit silly leaning back like I am going to topple over or something. 😀

  124.  #124Lizzie on September 27, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    Barb – just stick your glorious boob out, that is all leaning back is – you shouldn’t feel like you will topple over – LOL!!! Even my tinly little boobs look glorious when I “lead back”

  125.  #125Jacqueline on September 27, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    Hi, BarbinOz! any responses yet? and Lizzie – wow, what a story. I talked on the phone because as Brenda has mentioned some of the really great writers were – someone females, I always thought – in Africa. Grin.

    I like water wheel best or moving hand through water, that almost always makes my guy grab my hand.

    Oh, and Tinque – that’s what I came here to say. We’ve been talking about love languages on Tinque’s blog…and yesterday I fell asleep with my guy and when I woke up, my hand was in his, like curled up inside it. First I woke up, then I felt my hand, then I felt his hand…it was the oddest experience, but felt like such a language of love! Very cool…

    Happy springtime Barb, happy almost Fall all yall down south…in Texas! first cold front and it’s only 90!


  126.  #126Lizzie on September 27, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    you know what is really interesting and I just realized – many of my clients fall in love with me because I am so attentive, empathetic, and gaze right into their souls —-I wonder why I haven’t been doing this with my dates…..

  127.  #127tinque on September 27, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    Yes Jacqueline, that’s it. It’s these little but oh so precious moments so many miss due to expectations or having an agenda. This is love language calling loudly if you your ears are open to hear.

  128.  #128tinque on September 27, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    fear maybe Lizzie?

  129.  #129BarbinOz on September 27, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    #116 Lizzie

    YES that is what I do, build up an imaginary image of the man in my head, then am taken aback when they are nothing like my “version” of who they are….

    In the past before RR I was doing OK with the pleasantries, etc. And if I didn’t feel a vibe I would write an email when I got home, thanking him for the date but saying I didn’t feel any chemistry or spark….blah blah…and sometimes I would feel my own vibe shift when I wasn’t interested and I never heard back from those guys but you know I wasn’t even bothered……BUT if I meet a man I am interested in OMG my vibe goes into overdrive and overfunctioning all that oxy (sp??) stuff Rori talks about, I am a bit scared of MYSELF in that way, my emotions become soooo strong, but I don’t want to go down that path again of turning a man off with my masculine energies!! So its all about learning and that is why I come here to learn off you wise Sirens……

    Wow Lizzie is that the Young Guy you had lunch with?? Oohh no being with older women to get over his mum dying is a bit ……creepy, like he wants you to be his mummy!! Noooo thanks I have children of my own, I don’t want any more LOL!! Yes Lizzie even though we are doing the RR thing we have to be OURSELF, and for me that means not wanting to grow my hair long or wearing red lacy tops 😀

  130.  #130Lizzie on September 27, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    must be self-protection – I must be afraid of letting someone in…on the other hand, I have only met two guys that I feel like letting in…maybe if/when I have another date with Family guy sometime in October, I will really pay attention to that…

  131.  #131Lizzie on September 27, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    yes tinque – just dawned on me – it is fear

  132.  #132tinque on September 27, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    Yes Lizzie, in other words fear. Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of of being hurt or abandoned. And one no one speaks of, fear of finding your “the one” not because of self-sabotage, but because you fear he will be taken away for whatever reason, a more real fear the older we are.
    This is when I suggest really, really be-ing in each and every moment, for this moment is all you have. The last one is gone, and the next one is not here yet.

  133.  #133BarbinOz on September 27, 2010 at 2:18 pm

    I got an email last night from one of the 3 that didn’t ring from about 3 weeks ago, or was it 4??

    You know he is OK seems the respectful type and all that, not really my “type” though whatever that it, but has lived in England and still has family there so I thought we had some commonality, he just wrote me this:

    Yes I am available to meet, perhaps u can give me a time and place to meet. I did not bring your mobile number with me, may I please have it again

    Then he has given me his mobile number. Sooooo what now? Its up to him to do the time and place thing and I’m following Lizzies lead with no phone call, so how to proceed, help needed!!

  134.  #134BarbinOz on September 27, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    #126 Tinque

    This really resonates for me, because I am very afraid too, afraid of being dreadfully hurt again, afraid of finding love then not being able to keep it again for whatever reason and afraid of the hurt and heartache I will have to go through yet again, sometimes it is easier to do nothing, that’s the safe way, but playing it safe and not getting yourself out there only leads to another kind of feeling and that is loneliness…….

  135.  #135Jacqueline on September 27, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    Tinque – I wrote about that today; what do you feel when a source of love for you is gone….it made me feel so much LOVE in the universe. For me it’s like rock/paper/scissors – anger covers fear, fear covers sadness and sadness covers love – wanting it, needing it, loosing it.

    Thanks to all, have a special day!

  136.  #136tinque on September 27, 2010 at 2:26 pm

    Nothing ventured, nothing gained BarbinOZ.
    Or better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

  137.  #137tinque on September 27, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    Jacqueline – The only true source of love comes from within YOU. There is no other love open to you if you are not open to yourself.
    When you are able to radiate this love we all carry inside, fearlessly vulnerable, the world will reflect this back to you, as in your “the one”.
    It’s not to say you can’t find him before, but it may take some time to really feel his love as you find your own. As well as finding a beautiful flow together, deeply connected which becomes more profound as you work in this way.
    My point is you can never lose YOU unless you choose to. So yes to lose “his” love will hurt, but there is always your own to see you through.

  138.  #138Nikita on September 27, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    Send him your number….I’d gather he provided his # in case you didn’t want to give yours again or….in hopes you’d ring him with how to get in touch with you.

  139.  #139healingsound on September 27, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    …talking of which (fear/love), found this on Paulo Coelho’s blog just now. It resonates so well, and feels so good to hear, coming from a man :

    A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative ofthe brave // Un cobarde es incapaz de mostrar amor, es la prerrogativa delos valientes. (o esa es la prerrogativa de los valientes.)

  140.  #140Nikita on September 27, 2010 at 2:42 pm


    He may also have incuded his # so that you would know it was him calling and hopefully pick – up.

  141.  #141BarbinOz on September 27, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    Yeah Nikita I get that but he is asking me to pick a time and place??? Oh this is sooo damned hard to do the RR way LOL!!

    Before I just would have done what I wanted probably in my male energy, now its like I have to THINK about what to do, instead of going with my usual way, I know its all babysteps but I don’t even know what to say to this man, I don’t want to “use” him as he seems like a nice decent guy but I KNOW I need practise!!

  142.  #142BarbinOz on September 27, 2010 at 2:48 pm

    He is up in Sydney visiting relatives, I gave him my number when he was at his place, maybe he wrote it down and its still there? He lives about 3 hours away from me usually. We have talked on and off by email on POF for a few months, just in a friendly chit chatty kind of way..

  143.  #143BarbinOz on September 27, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    #130 Tinque

    I know all those old cliches are true…..sigh…..and YES I do want to feel love again, just wish it was easier said than done……..

  144.  #144Lizzie on September 27, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    Barb- he wants to set up a date – send him your number again so that he can call to set the date up! LOL

  145.  #145Lizzie on September 27, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    Tinque – I need to find a way to capture all your insights – what you are saying is touching me deeply – I have triggered tears – must be that deep acknowledgment and understanding of what is going on inside

  146.  #146Nikita on September 27, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    Oh, sorry BarbaraOz,

    I thought you didn’t want to call him….I didn’t get that you didn’t want to talk at all on the phone.oops. I guess email him what’s in your comfort zone. I’d feel better setting something up by email; what do you suggest we do for a first meet?

  147.  #147Nikita on September 27, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    Oh Barb-in-oz !!!! Oops-sorry for the name glitch too…..I’m so into the corn chips and typing with my pinky 🙂
    Is he asking for suggestions bcuz he doesn’t know the area? So maybe out of his depth? Sounds like he is being considerate of your comfort and safety though.

  148.  #148Daria on September 27, 2010 at 3:01 pm

    BarbinOZ – I would also just give him my number, and not say anything about teh time and place.

    Then when he brings it up on the phone, tell him when you’re free, and it would feel good to meet somewhere nearby you… you’re sure whatever he picks will feel good… what does he think?

    ps – if it doesnt feel good, what he picks, like Really doesnt, then say, “oh… i feel a lil embarassed (if u do) but i don’t feel good going to [a strip bar, a non-public place, a restaurant i hate] to meet…

    is there somewhere else that you think would be nice?

  149.  #149Nikita on September 27, 2010 at 3:06 pm


    “I don’t want to suggest a place, I feel curious about what you would choose to do”…..I’m feeling a like a little surprise, I promise to follow your lead on this one……I don’t know, did you have something in mind?……I’m willing to travel…x kilometers/miles……perhaps you have an idea that takes both our needs into consideration?……..I feel so excited I can’t think :)……where do you think we should meet?

  150.  #150Nikita on September 27, 2010 at 3:07 pm

    Yay!!!! Daria……I’m going to rest now 🙂

  151.  #151BarbinOz on September 27, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    Nikita believe me this isn’t a guy to get excited about LOL!! Just a nice decent sounding man……don’t know what to do now, I am thinking of going Lizzie’s way and no phone calls…..mmmmmm……hope the corn chips are good 🙂

    Daria, it DEFINITELY will not be a strip joint we are going to LOL!!

    Well there is a little suburb nearby to me with a strip of restaurants/cafes/bistro’s thats where I have met others on my past life online dating experience, but of course it would be ME who would suggest it…….so how do I do this thing now? And yes he may not be too familiar with Sydney……..

    I never thought this would be so damn difficult to get the CD’ing going!!

  152.  #152Jennifer on September 27, 2010 at 3:19 pm

    This dude who used to stay on my parent’s couch when I was a teenager, showed up at my sisters work and was asking about me.
    I don’t want this guy around.
    I will KICK HIS ASSS!!!!!!!
    Oso di gari…angry vulcan, taio toshi, whatever I can get done.
    This is the dudd who told me that I should stop having such high standards when it came to men and be more realistic about what man I should be with (like him)
    then told me to make him some potatoes.
    FCK that noise.

  153.  #153BarbinOz on September 27, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    Lizzie #139

    As bad as the tears and feelings are, you are in the right place right now to release them. I realised quite some time ago that I am very fearful of being in an intimate relationship. Not of the closeness or the sex or any of that, but a real fear of the pain.

    I have been celibate now for 2 1/2 years (!!!!) by my own choice………but now feels like the right time for me to rid myself of these fears and get out there and get me a good decent man 😀

    Do blog on here your fears if you feel safe and comfortable doing so, you are not alone.

  154.  #154BarbinOz on September 27, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    BTW this is the first time I have ever acknowledged to anybody except myself of how I feel inside.

  155.  #155BarbinOz on September 27, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    Jennifer #146

    So funny about the potatoes, I just had a big whinge last night on FB about some frozen potato chunks I bought that were rubbish when you cooked them LOL!! Get this man a bag of them they are horrible LOL!!

  156.  #156Daria on September 27, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    Yay Barb !! –

    I personally would not feel safe meeting a man without a phonecall. A phone call has made the “creepy” vibe more able for me to hear.

    However, I would still go out wiht a guy that wanted to see me, as long as I didn’t feel scared.

  157.  #157BarbinOz on September 27, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    #147 Me

    I meant the pain if it doesn’t work out, and obviously it hasn’t because I am here still on my own………

  158.  #158tinque on September 27, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    Lizzie – Tears are awesome. Cleansing, releasing. You know I feel some of my deepest love when shedding tears.

  159.  #159BarbinOz on September 27, 2010 at 3:29 pm

    #150 Daria

    This guy doesn’t seem creepy – well he hasn’t ever said anything in our emails that wasn’t just friendly and respectful, not like those idiots who ask what bra size you take or something!!

    Just a normalish, not my type, friendly man, but I DO feel guilty and bad like I am just “using” him like a bloody experiment in a science laboratory or something……..

  160.  #160BarbinOz on September 27, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    OMG this guy on the paid dating site just sent me an email praising my wonderful profile WORDS and how I have a way with them and I seem so ALIVE and I have his JUICES flowing, and OMG Lizzie wrote my profile for me!!!!

    Now I am not only lying about my age, my smoking habits I am lying about my wonderful profile!!! Aaarrrgghhhhhhhhh what to do?????

  161.  #161Daria on September 27, 2010 at 3:39 pm

    Barb – instead of thinking of ‘using’ him….

    think of Gifting him with your presence… a guy like him wouldn’t normally get to spend time with you… so this is your gift to him!

    HE’s the one who Wants to spend time with you!

    you’re not obligated to feel attracted to him, or know what you want with him for the future!

    You’re just ALLOWING him the gift of your time and presence…

  162.  #162BarbinOz on September 27, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    Thank you Daria

    I keep FORGETTING that I am the prize, the Diva, the Goddess, the Siren……so easy to forget, so hard to remember…….

  163.  #163Daria on September 27, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    Barb – I would say, wow thank you, I feel amused… (and a lil embarassed!) I actually had a friend take my interests and write my profile for me… I feel glad it’s having an impact on you! wink

  164.  #164Daria on September 27, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    Barb – for now… soon you will no longer need to remember it, you will just know it

  165.  #165Lucy on September 27, 2010 at 3:57 pm

    Erika, if you are reading and feel like sharing — I still feel curious about why you said you like my experiment of allowing myself to be depressed until the right man for me shows up….


  166.  #166Karen on September 27, 2010 at 4:12 pm

    So I ended up contacting the guy that flamed out on me. UGH. And then when he replied, nicely, I had to push it one step further and ask if I could have a ‘do-over’. And of course he hasn’t replied. UGH, I’m so mad at myself. I know it was ‘un-diva’ of me. UGH UGH UGH. I just don’t even want to bother anymore because I keep f’-ing it up. UGH! Just venting.

  167.  #167Lucy on September 27, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    Today I found one of WH’s old “Christian folk” CD’s on ebay. And bought it. Three bucks, free shipping. I don’t know if listening to it will make things harder or not (haven’t heard from him in weeks) — but my intuition told me to get it. He has a really soothing sound and the spiritual content of it might be just what I need right now.

    His work and his vibe and his heart seem to embody one of my lost dreams of childhood. I realized this yesterday while doing some personal healing work. I wonder how I can revive and fulfill that lost dream without needing him to be part of it ….

    Orna, it feels wonderful to “see” you here! You have crossed my mind a lot lately, so I felt pleasantly surprised to find you here today. Thanks for your wise and loving words.


  168.  #168Nikita on September 27, 2010 at 4:33 pm

    Nice 🙂 B.oz.,
    If I need a profile written I’ll be knocking on lizzie’s door- metaphorically speaking.

  169.  #169Daria on September 27, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    i was out on the balcony, and receiving the energy of the tree i was talking to… and i felt so loved and peaceful,

    i decided to go downstairs and do teh boy thing for myself – call a bank

    i used cd’s man suggestion to “just be yourself, and they will eventually understand you and what you’re trying to do”

    and i spoke relaxedly, and didn’t get very triggered

    even tho i apparently didn’t get what i set out to do,

    i also did not trigger myself to defeat and self esteem drop. if anything, i feel encouraged!

  170.  #170Lizzie on September 27, 2010 at 5:03 pm

    Barb! don’t you dare say someone wrote this for you!!! Geeeezzzzz silly goose (Canadian expression of affection) – all I did was take the words you wrote down and fashioned them together in a series of statements. It is all you!!! geeezzzzz!!! Own yourself, be flatterd, be honoured others are recognizing your voice, your heart, your soul!

    and secretly, I am so tickled someone finally noticed 🙂

    Nikita is next….

  171.  #171Lizzie on September 27, 2010 at 5:04 pm

    Ya never know Karen, he might show up. How old is he?

  172.  #172Daria on September 27, 2010 at 5:07 pm

    this felt inspiring to me to read! he stood up for her (not like my man did when that one crazy bi*tch attacked me – i KNEW i was mad at him for a good reason – UGH i Still feel mad!) GOOD! because he left, and now i feel mad at him, and i don’t have to feel humiliated in front of him anymore …! f9ck him ! for not standing up for me!!! grrr

  173.  #173Daria on September 27, 2010 at 5:08 pm


    The Buhz Dilemma
    by Leyla Najma · 3 Comments

    This blog is one that is very heart felt and it isn’t easy for me to write about. For the last few days I have just been at a standstill with videos, my book and belly dancing in general. Let me share with all of you why…………..

    Wednesday of last week I saw that my name popped up on a chat room from a website called Buhz. It’s a site for belly dance info in general and I must say I don’t follow it much. But when I clicked to see why my name came up I saw that a gal posted a pic of one of my videos she found on Amazon and asked if anyone had heard of it.

    Well that’s when I scrolled down to see what dancers had to say and to my horror and shock, I found that they were ripping me a new one. One gal in particular commented that I was an “awful” dancer and other dancers commented on the video from an ignorant and no fact position.

    As most of you know who have watched my videos I come from a teacher perspective with no gimmicks. Belly dance is an individual journey and my stance is one of support and education for every woman who wants to learn the art of belly dancing. So the really bizarre thing about the comments is that not one woman who commented had viewed or bought any of my instructional videos. They just wanted to vomit out the mouth and put down someone else’s creative right to help women learn how to belly dance.

    It was a blow and one that was unexpected. I’m a light weight I guess when it comes to stuff like this so when the shock of what I read hit me, I just stopped everything and I tried to grasp why women could be so hateful to other women. Just so you know, I don’t mind opinions positive or negative on what I do because I’m not the teacher for everyone and my videos might not be a winner form all points of view. This is life and everyone has a right to state what they do and don’t like. But there is a fine line between stating an opinion and being hateful for no other reason then just to be hateful. So I sat on the couch for awhile and tried to figure out what I should do.

    I decided that I had to defend my right to create my videos so I went to the website and addressed all the women in general who wrote in. I told them that it was okay they didn’t like what I did but if this is the case then they needed to create their own videos and get out to the public what they feel is important for them to know. I also stated that I do what I love to the point that I don’t have time to waste writing negative things about other dancers. I addressed the mean gal and told her she could use some compassion and humility. That was pretty much it or so I thought!

    When I told Daniel about the site and what the gals had said he was immediately upset just like me. He went to the site and read what was said and that’s when he decided that it was time these gals needed to hear from the point of view of a Belly Dance Husband! He decided to write in a response to all of them and the mean gal in particular. So the next day with the eloquence and the authority of the Godfather, he let them know who he was and how he felt about their comments. I had no idea that he would write in and I really thought my addressing all the gals would be the end of it.

    I know those gals were probably very surprised to hear from Daniel and I think it was needed because sometimes a person has to think about the fact that what they say effects more then just the person they are talking about. In this day and age of hiding behind the computer we can forget that behind every name, video or show there is a person who has the right to do what they love to do. I guess what this blog is about is that I almost let these gals under my skin. It took about 4 days for me to realize that if the comments were made to persuade me to quit they had another thing coming.

    The universe spoke to me through wonderful emails that I received these last few days from women who have taken my beginner videos and a student of mine who took one of my workshops earlier this year and thanked me for pushing her in the right direction. So why let a few bad apples ruin the barrel of inspiration and joy….not this time!!

  174.  #174Lizzie on September 27, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    Karen, I have leaned way over flat a few times myself…know that feeling of self questioning – actually screaming at myself – sit myself down in a chair and point my finger at myself and scold like a naughty child – and just scream WTF DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING!!! AND JUST WTF DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING TO ACCOMPLISH!!! And do notice this isn’t even a question…now I can find the humour in the whole thing.

    Earlier today, it may have been Tinque said: if he is the right guy, you can do no wrong.

    In the end, you will definately know if it is on or off – there will be no more maybe. As tough as that may be, the universe will unfold and you will be ok.

  175.  #175Lizzie on September 27, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    Barb – I am so honoured that you are sharing your inner thoughts and feelings. I believe I am on a similar journey. I find being on here has helped me a great deal. Thank you for having the courage to share.

  176.  #176Karen on September 27, 2010 at 5:38 pm

    Thanks for replying. I haven’t heard from him, I don’t think I will. I’d love to have your expertise on profile writing, how much do you charge? I’ve thought about using Evan Marc Katz’s website for it but part of me thinks I just need to take a break until I get my self-esteem back where it needs to be. It’s something I’ve always struggled with, and it’s pretty low right now. The logic part of me knows the right words, but the feeling part of me is cowered in a corner right now.

    Thanks again,

  177.  #177Karen on September 27, 2010 at 5:45 pm

    @ Lizzie, 165, 168
    Lizzie, he’s 43. I just feel wiped, absolutely wiped.

    Yes, I scolded myself. I love Evan Marc Katz’s blog, and I could see him standing over me, scolding me. I could see my diva scolding me as well. And the feeling part of me is still in the corner, wanting a hot bath, a glass of wine, and my bed. 🙁

    Bless you for replying, this blog is wonderful, just to know that I’m not the only one whose ever felt this way. 🙂


  178.  #178Jacqueline on September 27, 2010 at 5:52 pm

    Lizzie – you’re the bomb! so nice of you!

    @ Karen – I hate to see you beating yourself up over a simple thing, cuz there will be plenty more opportunities for do – anews!….Rori made a post on mistakes and she said IF there even ARE mistakes.

    Evan Mark might shake a finger, but he’d probably just give you a hand to pull you up!

    Good luck and don’t scold yourself, ‘kay?


  179.  #179Karen on September 27, 2010 at 5:57 pm

    @ Jacqueline,
    Thank you, I need to read more and surround myself with positive things.
    Thank you.

  180.  #180Lizzie on September 27, 2010 at 6:04 pm

    Hey Karen – are you on POF? I will go check you out – post your “name” and I will find you and give you feedback. I would be so happy to walk you through a few questions here and do a re-do. But not tonight – I am writing a report and a letter.

    If that guy is 43 – I would say there is some chance he will respond. 40-50s are tough ages; the guys are a little fragile and don’t want to be lonely; in this age category they really begin to question their purpose in life and where they are against their real and imaginary goals – they are often incredibly hard on themselves and may feel like they have limited time left (for what, I dunno! just seems to be one of their scripts); they have a lot of sorting out to do. Give him a while – like weeks. In the meantime, do the fabulous self-care you want to do for you.

  181.  #181Karen on September 27, 2010 at 6:42 pm

    Lizzie, my POF username is chaos1401. I’ll appreciate any help you can provide. 🙂

    I had been doing so well, I hadn’t contacted him for 3 weeks. The last week I broke down, and again this week. He’s newly divorced, only about a year out, and I think this is his ‘play’ time. So I honestly don’t think I’ll hear from him again, so yes, I should be working on me and letting him go. But it’s hard. 🙁
    Thank you again,

  182.  #182Lizzie on September 27, 2010 at 6:57 pm

    Hi Karen! Oh you are so lovely! Your profile is fine as it is. We can jazz you up a notch. It will be fun to do. Lets actually show a little more of your jazzy – chaos side. Your content doesn’t actually reflect your name.

    Look after yourself for a bit. Then we will work on this at the end of the week – I am on the road for a few days.

    go check out: ll_leezard
    I think he is attractive…

  183.  #183Daria on September 27, 2010 at 7:02 pm

    Karen – I would also love to see a full body pic (lovely poses) with your beautiful hair Down!!

  184.  #184Lizzie on September 27, 2010 at 7:05 pm

    Oh guys who are freshly divorced or separated as in my love-interest is? Need a great deal of space. Lots of space, and kids? oh serious space. And he is 43? oh boy, lots of space – big failure stuff going on there – needs to restructure his inner workings – lots of space. Two weeks, not enough – let it lie for months now. You will be OK. He may resurface when he has almost completed re-structuring his inner workings.

  185.  #185Lizzie on September 27, 2010 at 7:08 pm

    I’m off – good night Daria and Karen, Jacqueline…

  186.  #186Karen on September 27, 2010 at 7:14 pm

    @Daria & Lizzie, thank you, you ladies are awesome!

    @Daria, that is a good idea, I’m due for a fall photo shoot. 🙂

    @Lizzie, exactly. He’s threeboysdad on POF, if you want to check him out. I checked out ll_leezard, I like your taste in men! I sent him an email, we’ll see if he replies. Have a good night. 🙂

  187.  #187Brenda on September 27, 2010 at 7:27 pm


    RE: #95 – I’m sort of CDing myself, but I consider Ryan to be back in my not-very-active rotation after our 20 minute talk Friday! I feel really, really happy, cuz I’m still in love with him!

    And Kenny, my exhusband, calls me every day from prison for 15-30 min.

    I am open to meeting men organically, but no more going out to places where men are and no more dating sites, for now. I need a break. Plus I’m real busy since my contract ends at the end of November. So I need to spend most of my spare time generating an income.

    Ryan reconnecting bit by bit is making my heart sing!

  188.  #188Jason Miller on September 27, 2010 at 7:36 pm

    I’m coming late to this thread, but I do have an opinion on flameouts particularly because both men and women can experience it. Put simply, a flameout is a drastic drop in attraction for either the man or the woman that happens early in a relationship. It means either the man or woman has been strongly turned off by something. Rori’s recommendation to not try to figure it out is absolutely correct. The answers might come to you later when you’re not so emotionally charged around the situation.

    Attraction is the primary driver behind the emotional desire to enter into and stay in a relationship. If it is stops for any reason, whether you had something to do with it or not, it’s practically impossible to bring it back. The man who’s lost attraction for you most likely won’t be able to feel it again. You have to cut him loose to protect yourself.

    I personally have also experienced flameouts before. I chalk them up to my inability to consistently demonstrate confident masculinity to keep her attracted, or simply the relationship not being right for me or her.

  189.  #189Rori Raye on September 27, 2010 at 9:40 pm

    Rhon…Welcome – and —my answer is harsh. You KNOW the answer. If he wants you – he’ll come get you. Until then…make yourself available for a man who REALLY wants you and lets you know it. Love, Rori

  190.  #190BarbinOz on September 28, 2010 at 2:18 am

    FINALLY!! I picked bits up off you Sirens and wrote this to nice guy I off POF:

    Hi I

    I feel curious about what you would like to do, did you have something in mind? I prefer to let the man choose.


  191.  #191BarbinOz on September 28, 2010 at 2:19 am

    God that is sooo not me, I feel kinda wimpish 🙂

  192.  #192BarbinOz on September 28, 2010 at 2:20 am

    No 2 on POF, God this guy is a RR siren I am sure:


    I have decided I really don’t want to email much anymore. I am interested in meeting people, and from now on, most of my interactions will be live and in person. What do you think?


    His Reply”

    I agree with you.


    WTH am I supposed to do with this response?????

  193.  #193Daria on September 28, 2010 at 2:21 am

    BARB – that is EXCELLENT!!

    I am stealing that!!!

    “i prefer to have the man choose” omg! that sounds SO sexy!!

    GREAT JOB! thank you thank you thank you!

    i feel curious about what you would like to do, did you have something in mind?
    I prefer to have the man choose


  194.  #194Daria on September 28, 2010 at 2:23 am

    Barb – guy number 2. i wouldn’t answer… he will then have to pick up the slack himself and say something…

  195.  #195BarbinOz on September 28, 2010 at 2:58 am

    #194 Daria

    Who’d a thought it would be so hard to meet somebody, now before my pre RR days I would have suggested where we meet and what time, etc and Bobs your uncle – a date, now I have to do all this shilly shallying and its really not me, but it has to be from now on right???!!

  196.  #196Daria on September 28, 2010 at 3:00 am

    Barb – just try it. it’s actually harder to suggest and plan… that’s why it’s his job.

    practice Relaxing. that is a woman’s job. to relax as much as she can in her femininity

  197.  #197BarbinOz on September 28, 2010 at 3:03 am

    Jason #188

    Now I am not really getting this, well not since this whole post opened up to be honest……….what’s the difference between being flamed out and being in a situation where Rori says you can turn this relationship around on a dime, thats the way she sells these programmes right? That if a man is backing off or turning cold or whatever you just have to do the tools the RR way and soon he will be salivating over you, but no you are saying there is something he or she has done that is such a major turn off they are gone……..maybe for good……

    I am a little confused here……

  198.  #198BarbinOz on September 28, 2010 at 3:05 am

    Lizzie #175

    And I am honoured to be your Siren Sister, thank you.

    I just wrote back to man on dating site but DID NOT tell him they were your words just acted bashful that he liked them 🙂

    Barb x

  199.  #199BarbinOz on September 28, 2010 at 3:10 am

    #181 Karen

    Just checked out your POF profile, you are sooo lovely 🙂

    Like Lizzie said don’t feel bad about your leaning forward, God we have all been there, some of us to falling flat on our face!!

    Be kind and gentle to Karen, take a bubble bath with some nice smellies, light the candles, turn off the lights, put on some dreamy music and hey even sip a glass of wine in the bath it’s heaven 😀

    Be as loving to YOURSELF as you would be to your dream lover 🙂

  200.  #200BarbinOz on September 28, 2010 at 3:16 am

    Lizzie and Karen

    ll_leezard looks good, but he needs to let the hair go totally and shave it off…..much more attractive 🙂

    Bit far away for me though……..

  201.  #201BarbinOz on September 28, 2010 at 3:37 am

    #193 Daria

    I can’t take all the credit, I just tweaked Nikita’s responses, I don’t feel sexy I just feel a little wimpy at the moment but I think that is my “boy” driving me……..

  202.  #202Lorelei on September 28, 2010 at 3:54 am

    Barb – great lines and thanks for the scripting suggestions, here, and earlier to me in the thread. I really like “I have decided I really don’t want to email much anymore. I am interested in meeting people, and from now on, most of my interactions will be live and in person. What do you think?” AND ALSO “I feel curious about what you would like to do, did you have something in mind? I prefer to let the man choose.” Brilliant!!

    I had one nice-sounding man, lives a long way away, and settling into an emailing routine. Here in Euroland, we tend to put in a few more qualifiers to how we say things. So I’ve adapted your first suggestion to:

    “I’m enjoying our correspondence, but I can’t tell how we would get on together face-to-face just from email. I don’t want be a pen-friend (or even a phone-friend) with no real prospect of meeting up in person. I don’t want to email much anymore if that possibility isn’t there. What do you think?”

    About “I agree” guy in #192 . . . Either a) He’s read your message too quickly, and he’s taken it as you saying ‘as we can’t easily meet up, so it’s not worth continuing emails.’ Or b) he just read your first sentence and fired off his reply. Or c) he agrees with you that he wants live meet-ups . .

    And how would you know? You could just lean back and do nothing, and see if he makes a move to meet up. The ‘pure’ Rori approach? Can’t help feeling that if he liked you enough from your emails he would get back to you.

    Would it feel like leaning forward to reply to “I agree” with your own message, “We agree! I feel curious about what you would like to do.” Or even, ” I feel a bit confused about what bit of my message we agree on! The emailing or the meeting up?”

    In face-to-face CD-ing, I would always wait for a man to ask for my contact number. If he wanted to call to arrange something, he would. But it seems that Rori advises sometimes offering a number, simply and without telling him what he can do with it(!!!) Somewhere on here, Rori suggests a response to the email/penpal trap that includes a simple offer of a contact number to see if he takes that up. I can’t find it now amid all the threads – would have to comb through all the Dating section. It went something like: “I don’t feel comfortable just emailing all the time. {Some other sentence}. My number is: 1234…. ”

    Could we riff with this?

    I recently went with just “I’m on 1234…. if you want vocal contact,” though that was in the context of someone who was suggesting meeting. You’ll soon find out if he does or doesn’t. He rang within 2 hours! And I wanted to hear his voice and chat a bit before agreeing to meet. A lot of Sirens say you can’t tell much that matters from the voice, but I found that talking on the phone helped me decided it was worth a date. And he’s the one I’m meeting this Saturday. EEEEEEK again.

  203.  #203Lorelei on September 28, 2010 at 4:04 am

    And Daria, I love the thought about not using him for practice but gifting him with my presence.

    I am not experimenting on him like a lab rat, but giving him the treat of some feminine presence.

  204.  #204Lorelei on September 28, 2010 at 4:08 am

    Aha – just found the thing about putting a phone number out online sooner rather than later. It wasn’t Rori’s voice, but Daria’s, back in 2009.

    I’ll repost the whole thing, including the template for early emails. Daria says:

    “Hi BLANK . I’m feeling _____(tired right now, curious, super excited, whatever I’m feeling even if it has nothing to do with him).

    I like your (Rori’s recommendation) eyes, shirt, smile, what you wrote about books, Anything

    I am/feel intrigued. <—- I got this from Rori and it works EVERY TIME! I use it everytime it’s hilarious to me when guys write me oh you feel intrigued by me and I know I use it for every guy.

    Then he writes back. Rori says to not keep writing online because what we want is to meet and date here.

    So I say I don’t really like messaging online, I’m at (phone number). The worst that can happen is he’ll call I figure, so I give out my number right away. Then he calls… wants to meet… I meet him downtown… and voila."

  205.  #205Lorelei on September 28, 2010 at 4:10 am

    Oh yes – just found the comment about giving a phone number out online sooner rather than later. It wasn’t Rori’s voice, but Daria’s, back in 2009. I’ll repost the whole thing, including the template for early emails. Daria says:

    “Hi BLANK . I’m feeling _____(tired right now, curious, super excited, whatever I’m feeling even if it has nothing to do with him).

    I like your (Rori’s recommendation) eyes, shirt, smile, what you wrote about books, Anything

    I am/feel intrigued. <—- I got this from Rori and it works EVERY TIME! I use it everytime it’s hilarious to me when guys write me oh you feel intrigued by me and I know I use it for every guy.

    Then he writes back. Rori says to not keep writing online because what we want is to meet and date here.

    So I say I don’t really like messaging online, I’m at (phone number). The worst that can happen is he’ll call I figure, so I give out my number right away. Then he calls… wants to meet… I meet him downtown… and voila."

  206.  #206Lorelei on September 28, 2010 at 4:11 am

    Whoops double post – sorry – I thought the first one didn’t take.

  207.  #207BarbinOz on September 28, 2010 at 4:24 am

    Lorelei where in Euroland are you? I live in Australia but am English………..we have very different ways of doing things too, though my American/Canadian friends on here tell me this is all new to them too!!

    I thought dating lots of men at one time was just sooo Ameerikan, but apparently not!!

  208.  #208BarbinOz on September 28, 2010 at 4:26 am


    I take no credit whatsoever for any of this reply stuff I have done, it is all down to the Sirens and maybe just a little tweaking from me.

    This is all so new and different from anything I have ever done before……….

    Barb x

  209.  #209Simply Shannon on September 28, 2010 at 5:27 am

    Barb, to me the thing about the flame out is that if we don’t freak out and beg him to come back, he’ll come back all on his own. When we beg, plead, chase, etc., we lower our own appeal to him. Ever met someone who you just knew liked you way more than you liked them, and the more they contacted you, the more you felt turned off? It’s the same for me.

    If we don’t force the issue (aka them having to tell us to go away), they are more likely to come back.

    This has been an intriguing experiment for me. Before I wanted it to be “we’re either dating or we’re not and if we’re not, I shall never speak to you again” (breakup = bad). Now I’m trying to just let a man go when he goes. When I’ve done this, he typically comes back all on his own.

    Mind you, we live in a world that wants instant gratification. Sometimes we have to WAIT. And of course that feels hella uncomfortable. I mean, how many of us want the microwave to hurry up and cook our food? 🙂

    We are cooking a great stew. And sometimes the ingredients aren’t as ready as they need to be. So we wait and spend our time getting all the rest (aka our life!) ready.

    Mmm… I feel hungry. LOL!

  210.  #210Karen on September 28, 2010 at 6:12 am

    OMG, I need your help, ladies! So, I emailed guy yesterday, essentially asking him for a do-over. He replied:

    “Do-over: hmmmm, tempting but will have to ponder it.”

    Do I reply to this?? What should I say??? I’m hung up on this guy, no doubt about it. But my mind says he’s just trying to let me down gracefully w/o me losing face. I don’t want to reply saying something that will put me further in the hole, so to speak.

    Thank you ladies, I so appreciate your support!

  211.  #211Gigi on September 28, 2010 at 6:41 am

    Wow, I would not respond to that. It doesn’t feel good. He’s jerking you around. Do your cding and if it comes back fine and if not hopefully you are too busy with other guys. Breathe and get busy in other places.



  212.  #212Gigi on September 28, 2010 at 6:41 am

    Sorry, I meant if “he” comes back! LOL

  213.  #213Karen on September 28, 2010 at 6:44 am

    Thanks Gigi! I’m just sitting and thinking right now, but yes, I think I’m leaving it alone.

  214.  #214Karen on September 28, 2010 at 9:53 am

    Me again. After sitting on it awhile, I now realize how badly I’ve been pining for crumbs from this guy. Where is my diva? Ponder it. Ugh. Somehow I wish I could reply back, and gracefully say f-off, lol. 🙂

    Thanks again, everyone.

  215.  #215Karen on September 28, 2010 at 9:56 am

    @ Simply Shannon, 210

    Shannon, I just read your post, thank you, it feels like you are speaking my language and I needed to hear it. Of course I have hope that he will contact me again, but then I get hung up on that hope. I need to CD more but I haven’t had any leads so far.

  216.  #216Simply Shannon on September 28, 2010 at 10:11 am

    Karen: Ewww… no I would not reply. I read that to say “tempting but no”. I don’t want to beg any man. Besides if you don’t reply, he’s going to be sitting there pondering and wondering why you didn’t reply. So if he wants to know, he’ll have to contact you. Or if you must say something, I’d say:

    I feel turned off reading that message. If you want to reach me, I feel open to talking to you. Ciao.

    And then I’d circular date other men. Flirting with the guy at the grocery store, whatever, but definitely getting my mo-jo back.

    Wow. I feel mad. “I’ll think about it”??? Right buddy. And I’ll sit over here holding my breath. In the mean time, I’ll be thinking about the next awesome dude I’ll meet. Good luck to you Ponder Boy.

    Sorry Karen. Got carried away. 🙂

  217.  #217Nikita on September 28, 2010 at 10:13 am

    “Do-over: hmmmm, tempting but will have to ponder it.”

    Reply: pondering it……mmmmm…..feeling a little turned off….and not nearly as tempted …. I feel ___________ for even asking.

  218.  #218Karen on September 28, 2010 at 10:21 am

    Shannon & Nikita, thank you. As much as I’m tempted to answer with one of your replies, I’m scared to burn any more bridges. How un-diva of me! I need someone to scream at me and shake me into sense.

  219.  #219healingsound on September 28, 2010 at 10:30 am

    karen,..can I just ask you why you decided to ask him for a re-do ..? to me that sounds like handing over a lot of power to him, don’t you think? and it could maybe feel like you’re asking : could we please get together and have another go at finding out whether or not we’re compatible and can be together etc?’
    which I would maybe feel like a bit of pressure, myself?

    sorry if I’m wrong!

    I just know for myself; there’s a guy out there I had a thing with a while ago,. and he got so worked up about it. ‘I’m in LOVE!!! WILL yo be my GIRLFRIEND; PLEASE!!’ etc. And the thing is kind of interesting because if he could just relax a bit more, and not get so…over eager, I’d not feel so stressed around him, and I’d get the time to actually be in the moment and find out whether I like him or not. you know. little steps!


  220.  #220Simply Shannon on September 28, 2010 at 10:32 am

    I love Nikita’s reply!!

    As I go along, I’m realizing that burned bridges only happen when I don’t speak my truth. Men sense that I think so little of myself that they can just walk all over me. Like the dogs on Dog Whisperer who know they are in charge. YOU are the treat. Not the dog. 🙂

    Why not try it like an experiment? I remember someone saying you can never say the wrong thing to the right man. That is unbelievably true.

  221.  #221Nikita on September 28, 2010 at 10:41 am

    I like feeling challenged to be more authentic with myself and others without inflicting pain or shutting down or covering up or ignoring the dead elephant in the room.

    ” I feel weird seeing a dead elephant on the carpet. I feel awkward even acknowledging that I see it out loud when it seems to be a secret. I feel uncomfortable with the smell and bothered by the flies. What do you think?”

  222.  #222Karen on September 28, 2010 at 10:48 am

    Well, I messed it up. I did email him, taking what Shannon & Nikita said:

    “pondering it: hmmmm…..I’m feeling a little turned off….and not nearly as tempted …. I feel somewhat humiliated for even asking.

    If you want to reach me, I feel open to talking to you.”

    He replied:
    “Karen – I am sorry did not mean to humiliate you. That was not my intention, just wasn’t sure what to say that is what came out. Probably not a good idea then. I wish you the best of luck.”

    And I replied (yes, I’m a masochist): “I probably read it wrong. Email is often misconstrued. But if this is how you want things I understand.”

  223.  #223Nikita on September 28, 2010 at 10:52 am

    Translation- yeah buddy, I will not co-sign your bull sh*t. I see the eff’n elephant, I smell it and I refuse to play make believe with you. I respect my experience. I care about my quality of life. I am not telling you to remove the elephant or judging your elephant. I am going to be real and express my experience of the dead elephant and maybe you might remove it…..maybe……maybe you’ll tell me it’s your pet and you’re not ready to let go……ok…..but now you understand why I have to go……and maybe one day when you are ready to let go of the elephant and clean up the flies you’ll think of me……and call me…..and I’ll come visit…..and feel happy sitting in your living room……now that the elephant is gone…..and it smells better 😉

  224.  #224Nikita on September 28, 2010 at 11:14 am


    Ouch. Humiliated feels pretty powerful and crummy 🙁

    Do you feel humiliated or do you feel sad?…..or embarrassed

    Humiliation feels like it implies someone else “humiliated” you……it feels a little blaming to me. It feels like giving away our power to another…..as though we are a victim here…
    Disappointed …….downcast…..hurt…..chagrined…..disheartened…..these feel more like taking full responsibility for our experiences and holding on to our power while being vulnerable…..

    I feel sorrowful that you are in the middle of this email exchange with a man you seem to be very invested in….I feel helpless to do anything for you. I feel frustrated by the speed in which this is taking place. I feel guilty for not saying wait!!!! Pump the brakes!!! Sit with your feelings….get comfortable feeling uncomfortable….explore yourself first…..don’t pull the trigger!!!!! I feel blue. I don’t want him to feel bad for “humiliating” you. I don’t want you to feel sad or embarrassed….that’s why it cd’ing…..it’s to practice relating to ourselves in the presence of a man……it’s practice letting go of over functioning by trying to force a response or force someone’s hand or manipulate the result…..it’s about getting deep and intimate with who we are as women…..falling in love with ourselves and being a living invitation for a man to join us on our journey of love…..throw this guy on the back of the horse and keep riding into your eternal sunset…..

  225.  #225Jason Miller on September 28, 2010 at 11:20 am

    197: BarbinOz

    Then it would appear that Rori has been able to help women reverse flameouts in the past and she’s got a system for it. Based on my experience and anecdotal evidence, (That’s why I never insist I’m always right about my opinions.) I haven’t seen a true reversal yet. But I’m assuming the typical case study is a couple that has been dating for a couple of months with strong chemistry who suddenly experience either the man or woman suddenly backing off.

    To me a flameout means there was a turnoff that was a deal breaker for either the man or the woman. It could also be caused by a sudden hard shift in masculine or feminine energy that depolarizes the attraction. (In fact, I get into the topic of early dating turnoffs in more practical detail in the free special report on my web site.) But there might be more cases or definitions of a flameout that I haven’t considered that are reversible.

    The main take away from any discussion involving experts is that you go with the one that feels best to you and commit to what they’re offering completely so you get the most out of it. My attitude is that there are plenty of voices and messages out there and people naturally align themselves with the ones that resonate the most. There is no absolute right or wrong approach in any situation. You just have to commit to trying one or two of them out. My aim is that people get positive results.

  226.  #226Karen on September 28, 2010 at 11:24 am

    Nikita, thank you. Humiliated felt like it fit at the time, I had also tried embarrassed but that didn’t quite seem to cover it. I’m horrible with putting my thoughts into words, especially through email. I’m so mad at myself, and am trying so hard not to cry, or my students will think I’ve totally lost it. This is why I think maybe a break from dating might be the best thing for me to do right now. I don’t have any guys knocking on my door at the moment anyway.
    Thanks again, Hindsight is always 20/20, right?

  227.  #227Nikita on September 28, 2010 at 11:46 am

    Sometimes crying in the bathroom away from eyes gives us a clean slate and a fresh perspective 🙂

  228.  #228healingsound on September 28, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    …don’t mean to butt in unnecessarily, but I feel for you Karen..! it’s not so easy! Asa rule of thumb, when you somehow reach out for someone, I practice asking myself: ‘what would t feel like if the answer was no? is this then a good thing so send?’… sort of looking into how you’d handle a possible rejection, first. I find that that way you can sort of down size/rephrase it until it’s something you can send out into the sphere and the universe, without too much ‘charge’ to it..! do you see what I mean? it’s a learning process, and somehow, if we’re feeling vulnerable it’s good to just accept that (to ourselves) first so the steps can be not too overwhelming.. I think 🙂


  229.  #229Karen on September 28, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Thanks Nikita, and everyone. Nikita, a cry is definitely in order, I need release.

  230.  #230Katarina Phang on September 28, 2010 at 12:11 pm

    Ok guys, here is some news. I’m still at SG’s house, he’s at work and I’m left alone. First time I logged on to my computer since Friday. It never happened before, I’m usually with my computer 24/7. It’s a great feeling not having the urge to go online.

    So we are officially in love. And I’m officially conflicted. 🙁

    The weekend was magic: the best weekend in my life ever. This is a truly beautiful man inside out. He barely knew me but invited me to his home and he said -when I couldn’t log on with the wireless- I could use his laptop -I’m using mine and the USB cable. I mean, c’mon…doesn’t he have “secrets” he needs to guard? I know I have on my computer!!

    He said the first night we were together 3 weeks ago (felt like millenias ago he said) I could use his toothbrush cause “he didn’t mind sharing germs with me.” I didn’t, though…of course. 🙂

    And yesterday I got a bit emotional and teary-eyed in front of the fireplace on top the sheep skin I was lying down on. He said while holding me and looking into my eyes “The day your divorce is final, we’ll get married.” I don’t know if he meant it (he’s been saying stuff like that since the day we met) but still….no man would easily make a “promise” like that unless he’s really into you. I said to him -with tears rolling down my face- that he doesn’t have to do that. We kissed and hugged and laughed.

    “You’re so emotional today…and it’s very sweet,” he said.

    I’ve never met a man my body responds the way I do with him. So carnal…yet so intimate. We keep saying “I love you” to each other during sex and in between throughout the day every day.

    Our lovemaking was constant the whole weekend (we joked it was like breastfeeding -every 2 hours or so- :D) and I just found out that I was multi orgasmic through intercourse with very little effort with him. Last night, he counted that I perhaps climaxed 20 something times.

    I’m not even sore. 😀

    It’s all new to me. I’m glad I discovered new things about myself simply by opening myself us to new experience. He can very well be my perfect macth, the one I’ve been looking for all my life.

  231.  #231Karen on September 28, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    228 @ healingsound…
    My gracious, you aren’t butting in at all, I feel like I’ve hijacked the post, lol. Those are great questions that you ask, and I am going to adopt them. Thank you. 🙂

  232.  #232Karen on September 28, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    @ 230, Katarina,
    That sounds magical! I feel so happy for you, what a prince!

  233.  #233Daisy on September 28, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Barb – I feel really angry ( not sure exactly why yet ) to read that you are taking no credit whatso ever for the wonderful messages you wrote. Which I intend to copy.

    It may be your first time with them, but they were excellent and made by you.

    I feel very angry to see that unacknowledged by you.

    Acknowledging myself was a very important step I took with rori’s tools, and it’s at the heart of loving myself and raising my self esteem. I do not want to see a fellow siren not acknowledge her contributions. Even if it were minor – it wasn’t – i feel panicky thinking that you aren’t loving yourself.

    So since this may be a message fir me… Love live live yourself daria.

    Barb – have you checked out some of mama gena’s books? They are like 8 dollars . It really helped me see how talking well on myself is helpful to me, my man, and the world

  234.  #234Katarina Phang on September 28, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Karen, thanks a lot. 😀

    Still, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I guess I’ll go back home and let thing settle down a bit so we both can process all these crazy feelings we have for each other.

    Oh…two nights ago after the lovemaking in front of the fireplace around 2 am we just went out the cabin on the patio in the nude and just feeling the universe: looking into the water and the sky with full moon and the beautiful clouds around it and savoring the heady scent of cedar. The weather was so beautiful: wet/rainy yet balmy.

    It was simply magical. This man is so romantic: I’ve never been romanced quite like that in my life.

  235.  #235Jacqueline on September 28, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    Karen – OUCH! ugh…omgosh….wow. Umm, do the walk away quick – just stop whatever you are doing (figuratively since he’s not right in front of you) don’t think about it at all and go find something to do that makes you feel good. I think it’s a learning thing in on line dating, but it must be feeling awful right this minute so I think that’s the tool I’d use! It’s a hard tool to use, but it is a great one if you can do it. I’m so glad you’re here.

    Katarina, hi! welcome back. I feel like you’re on the show the Bachelor…and kind of wary it’s not going to end well. How does it feel to you, because when you talk about it, I hear a lot of it’s crazy in there. I mean does the guy seem like he can back up every claim he’s made – like on the good wife!! YEAH! season primiere tonite – when she tells Will, I need a plan. Charisma is fabulous!! but, is there a plan?

    and – ps – don’t share toothbrushes with anyone, my dentist said!! lol grin smile….


  236.  #236Katarina Phang on September 28, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    Jacq, it’s way early at this point. I don’t want to rush things, really…. And I have an “unfinished business” with my husband.

    I’ll go back home and keep dating. I told him, I don’t expect him not to see anyone while I’m away but I don’t need to know, and I’ll do the same -I’m sure he won’t want to know who I’m seeing either.

    Don’t ask, don’t tell, that’s our policy for now.

    I have to tell you something though. This is pretty insanely coincidental…so guys please beware of what you’re wishing for.

    Throughout the weekend, in the midst of my feelings of bliss and conflict, I was thinking that I had been resisting this divorce the last 18 months, but it would have been so much easier actually if it’s final already so I can just make my choice without the worry about finalizing this ugly stuff if I decide to go with SG and at the risk of having to explain to my husband why I want to do that.

    So as we were making love Sunday night in front of the fireplace (we always spend hours each time…this man is a machine…that makes the two of us now :D), my hubby kept ringing (I know because he has his own ring tone). He also rang on Saturday which I missed and didn’t return it.

    He kept ringing and ringing and then like 3 times in the morning. In the morning I checked the voice message, he sounded “heavy” and he needed to talk.

    So I called back and he said he went to the court to look into our case and I needed to sign a few papers and would drop them at my place. I said I wasn’t home. I asked why, he said “he doesn’t want it to get in the way.” He later on said it’s not what I think it is. He needs to do it so he can max up on his student loan application.

    Nothing changed, he said. And he made a point to be unusually nice yesterday.

    I’m left wondering: is this a gift from the universe to clear my path with SG? Just like my hubby said, “I don’t want it in the way.”

    How so apt. That was I had been thinking and feeling all weekend. And I’m manifesting it just like that…

    I don’t know. I really don’t. I still love him, even when I know now SG will be a better match for me in every sense of the word. You just don’t lose that loving feeling just because someone new comes in the picture.

    I won’t get ahead of myself. I will just enjoy the experience of being a goddess that men adore and write about it so I can help other women (my ebook is coming, guys 🙂 ).

    And as I said a while back, for some very weird reason, I’ve been manifesting these adoring hunks…they all seem to come out of the woodwork all at the same time. I have 2 dates lining up upon my return.

    I will keep dating until I know what I’m gonna do.

  237.  #237Karen on September 28, 2010 at 1:23 pm

    Katarina, again, wow. I’m trying so hard not to be envious! It feels good to live through you, it puts a smile to my face. You go girl!

  238.  #238Katarina Phang on September 28, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    And no, I will never share a toothbrush, no matter how much in love I am with someone.

    Karen, don’t get envious but learn what works with me so you can reproduce it. Every woman can. There are more than enough men who are right for you out there if only you just send out the right signal and frequency so their radio transmitters can receive it. 🙂

  239.  #239BarbinOz on September 28, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    #209 SS

    Yes I get that. Thank you that’s a good explanation.

    Oooh I have been so guilty in the past sometimes of doing the begging and the pleading and asking why I cringe thinking about it.

    Still that was then and this is now, never again!!

  240.  #240BarbinOz on September 28, 2010 at 2:26 pm


    Thanks for your considered reply Jason, it feels good to know that there ARE men out there who care enough to want to have a great relationship.


  241.  #241BarbinOz on September 28, 2010 at 2:39 pm

    #233 Daria

    I feel embarassed that I am taking credit for something I didn’t write, both Lizzie’s profile for me and the scripts you girls wrote some I have posted verbatim.

    I am the kind of person I suppose who doesn’t like to show off LOL!! I know that comes from my childhood, you know all that children should be seen but not heard, but at my age it’s about time I got past that and started shining my light from under my bushel (WTH is a bushel anyways LOL!)

    Well nice man number 1 on POF has emailed again very politeley asking me for my mobile which I will do soon. Number 2 on POF hasn’t picked up those oars yet after his “I agree” email so will let than one hang……how new this is for me, to sit back and just BE a girl 🙂

    Man number 1 on the paid dating site, well I wrote back to him last night with a few feeling messages and asked him about his travels and I swear he has written me a travelogue of Australia, but at the end he HAS written, oh you have no penpals on your profile and thats what this is becoming so I will do the standard:

    I have decided I really don’t want to email much anymore. I am interested in meeting people, and from now on, most of my interactions will be live and in person. What do you think?

    I HAD replied to another 2 on the paid site, 1 has deleted his profile (!!! God am I that bad LOL!) and the other hasn’t replied……..

    See in my previous RR life I would have been whipping this all into shape, c’mon guys get a move on and lets get this show on the road, filled with my masculine energy, now I keep picturing myself as sitting in a rowboat, the man has the oars and is rowing and I am leaning back trailing my fingers in the water, I have on a nice floaty dress and a big 70’s kind of sunhat and I look all dreamy and girly, a bit like an advert for lazy sunny days eating ice-cream or a sexy new chocolate bar. I am going to keep this vision in my head of the new me (and him whoever shows up) to try and ground myself every time I feel my dominant side rear up. Except at work of course where I will row, row, row the boat gently down the stream…….

  242.  #242BarbinOz on September 28, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    #234 Wow Katerina

    It sounds like you truly experienced some heaven on earth, how wonderful.

    I could almost see the water and the moonlight and smell the forest all around that log cabin, it sounds like a movie scene, how lucky lucky lucky you are, here’s raising a glass of champagne to all of us ladies having the same. (Imaginary glass only as it’s 7.45am here in Australia :))

  243.  #243BarbinOz on September 28, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    #238 Katarina

    I love this that you wrote to Karen:

    There are more than enough men who are right for you out there if only you just send out the right signal and frequency so their radio transmitters can receive it.

    So please forgive the “lucky lucky lucky” comment above (it’s from a song BTW by Kylie Minogue, Aussie singer)

  244.  #244Karen on September 28, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    @ Barb, post 242

    Barb, I loved your visual of the woman in the rowboat!! I am borrowing it. 🙂

    Sounds like you have quite a few prospects, good for you!!!

  245.  #245Brenda on September 28, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    Boys have penises. Girls have vaginas. Boys like to stick their penises in girls’ vaginas.

  246.  #246Lucy on September 28, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    I feel curious about what the “message” is that I am supposed to get from WH.

  247.  #247BarbinOz on September 28, 2010 at 3:22 pm


    I just emailed I my mobile number and within 10 minutes he has texted, but I soooo don’t like his text 🙁

    Morning Aunty Barb thanks for sharing your number. When and where can we meet? I

    AUNTY!!!!!!!! WTH does that mean?

    I feel yucky
    I feel angry
    I feel like his mother or something I dont know…….

    I will reply soon and tell his I don’t like what he has said….AUNTY!!!!!! Aarrgghhhhh and he isn’t even all that………

  248.  #248Katarina Phang on September 28, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    Hi BarbinOZ, thanks so much. I know Kylie Minogue…used to sing/listen to her stuff a lot in my teenaged years. Loved that “Especially for you” duet with I-forgot-what-his-name-was.

    I’d love to share some pics with you guys (G rated of course 🙂 ), maybe later.

    We went outside in the nude twice Sunday night/Monday morning. The second time I was already in bed so ready for my blissful sleep when he entered and told me to come outside with him. He then carried me on his back outside and after basking in the silent balmy cedar-scented night a while, carried me back in.

    He said, we were like Adam and Eve lol…. I must say, it made the whole experience even more unforgettable. Washington is such such a beautiful state!!

    We cuddled through the night and woke up a few hours later to make love and went back to sleep and woke up and made love again without ever losing the passion each time. (I know…I know..:D)

    Yeah we even talked about our weekend was so movie-worthy. It was in fact like watching a movie about us.

    He’ll be home soon and I’ll be cooking dinner for both of us (son is hard to feed). And tonight is our last night, he’s been gushing about what he wants to do with me all day haha…

    He loves all the girlie things about me: my painted nails/toes, my girlie jewelry, my dresses (he loves it that I wear dresses most of the time, a rarity with women these days, he said), my very soft silky skin (not to mention the other “stuff” lol…).

    He said, “Every pore of your being just oozes sexuality. You are just made for sex. You have everything I want in a woman.”

    Gosh….gotta stop now (blushing). 😀

  249.  #249BarbinOz on September 28, 2010 at 3:40 pm

    #248 Katarina

    Sounds DREAMY and like pure bliss!!

    Funny you should say about the dresses, because when I was writing about the lying back in boat thing above I was thinking about my floaty dress comment and thinking how I hardly ever wear dresses. I do have a few I could wear but I am more often in business suits and stuff for work and in jeans or casual clothes at weekends, maybe I should buy a couple of floaty, feminine dresses for my new dating life LOL!! And you know Jason had that somewhere in his writings about women wearing dresses…….mmmmm…….something to ponder on this lovely spring morning.

    And again Katarina, a lady I work with her sister lives in Washington and she told me it was boring just full of statues and politics….mmmm

  250.  #250healingsound on September 28, 2010 at 3:51 pm

    # 247 barbinoz,

    ..aunty??? wt…how off putting is that
    I would loose appetite completely,..sounds like he has some issues! ‘sorry, not really into incest so think we’ll say goodbye right here’ .lol


  251.  #251Daria on September 28, 2010 at 4:03 pm

    Ladies –

    one of my cd’s calls me a lot. and is Very quiet on the phone for a long time.

    I feel like screaming!!! STOP CALLING ME … just ask me oout if you want to , damn!! i don’t want to sit on the phone and hear about how you’re laying on your bed, etc


    i felt so angry, yet i feel confused about this feeling…

    i don’t get the same feeling with other men in convo as much, tho it does come up sometimes…

    im feeling ANGRY tho… so angry i can feel in in my liver!

    i love my liver and my anger!

    what is this about??

    i want to know!!!

  252.  #252Daria on September 28, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    i mean i can understand feeling irritated, but i feel so angry like my eye is twitching and my intestines are churning!

    i felt soooo angry that there was (as there has been several timmes before)… a HUGE pause,

    where i leaned back, but it was relaly really really long…

    my voices started screaming… WTFFFF i don’t want to be on the phone listening to FFFin silence!



    i felt taken from, yet at the same time, maybe he’s trying to give to me, with these calls

    im just feeling really worked up

    my phone died in like 2 min and that was tha…

    im still recovering from feeling furiouslly angry…

    and i feel confused…

    i mean

    i can say to him

    “hey i feel really angry when i get a call from you and theres a lot of silence… but i don’t know why i feel that way… i feel like, rEALLY MAD, ”

    what is the message here?

  253.  #253Katarina Phang on September 28, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    Barb, Washington is a north west state where Seattle is. It’s not Washington, D.C, the capital which is on the east coast.

    I know it’s confusing. 🙂

    Yes wear dresses as much as you can. The softer you are, the more attractive you are to (masculine) men. And the more they are treating you like a princess.

    I’m loving every minute of it.

  254.  #254BarbinOz on September 28, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    #250 Healing

    EXACTLY that was sooo off putting to me, now I dont even want to meet him as a friend!! I have enough nephews of my own thanks!! Ggrrrrr

  255.  #255Daria on September 28, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    i feel turned off when guys call me for no reason without making plans to see me

    and i feel like crying…

    im still feeling confused…

    is this true? about not liking guys to call me for no reason without plans?

    yes it is

    i do think he was getting To the plans,

    but he still calls a lot without plans

    i feel SO upset and triggered right now

    i want to communicate this to him but i feel scared

    i feel like my feelings are INTENSE

  256.  #256BarbinOz on September 28, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    I, I feel really weird that you called me Aunty, it has really put me off any meetings, good luck in your search. B

    Does this sound OK ladies?

  257.  #257BarbinOz on September 28, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    OK just sent this

    “I feel really weird about you calling me Aunty, I don’t like how it makes me feel and has really put me off any meetings, good luck in your search.

  258.  #258BarbinOz on September 28, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    And my heart was POUNDING when i sent that text that I could be so OPEN and HONEST and tell a man I don’t like the way I am feeling by his comment WOWSER!!!!

  259.  #259Lizzie on September 28, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    Augh! difficult experiences on the list! Oh Karen, I feel so sad about what happened. I have learned from your experience and you have such wonderful support here. Take the time to heal and explore the message he has brought to you – he is a message.

    Barb – AUNTY!!! OMG!!! brilliant message back. holly molly….

  260.  #260Daria on September 28, 2010 at 5:44 pm

    well i texted him, he called, we talked, i told him i dont want to talk on the phone a lot without definite plans… and that when i get a call i feel disrespected if its just silence…

    and that im not tryina blame him

    and we talked more and i feel happy and closer

    and now he’s gonna come see me tonite if he’s able to get the car


  261.  #261Rhon on September 28, 2010 at 6:00 pm

    All this brings back behavior I had when I was in my 20s. When I had someone who would flame out on me….whether it was someone new or someone I had been seeing for a while and I realized it wasn’t working, I would do what we are calling circular dating. But I called it distractions…which I think my label in and of itself was defeating because it still implied that my focus was on the person who flamed out on me and there would be anger and hurt and pain that I would stuff down. But now I am seeing that I had the concept but now I need to tweek it a bit.

    As I have gotten older, I told myself I didn’t want to do that anymore. An old adage I used was that, the best way to get over a man was with another man, actually a lot of them. And I would do the dating and flirting and what I would call the “ego boost”. I would go out with friends and look fabulous and let the attention come to me and feel empowered. I was good at the distraction behavior, but as I said, I would have the anger and hurt and pain and the awareness of it all and at the center was the pinpoint focus on the HIM that could not care less and probably tell me way to go and good for you, which would create more of the negative feelings. So I would go into numb mode to not feel my true feelings until I got through it and found a new one and start the cycle again. I always said I was very good at getting over a man. I would turn off and shut down and let my inner diva take over and draw all the lovely men to me and work my magic. And it was wonderful, beautiful magic. Great at drawing them in…..its the keeping them that was my greatest challenge and every so alusive to my charm.

    So I started to see it as a game. I game I didn’t want to play or be a part of. And as a mature, adult woman with wonderful things to offer any man in his right mind, I would not do the distraction thing anymore. But what replaced it was focus…..too much focus now in hindsight. Because of the things I’m learning everyday about myself because of Rori and soul searching, I bonk myself in the head and realize I’m not been going about it the right way at the other end of the spectrum either. I needed to join the two together.

    When you focus too much on the man of your desire you will lose him…and yourself because it is cyclic. One creates and destroys the other. All of my experiences with men are for me…its for the journey, not the destination. In fact, for me, there is no destination. Just a vow to myself to have as much love in my life with another person as I know I can and desire. There is no label on it for me as relationship, girlfriend, lover, wife, friend. It just is LOVE. And I must focus on my fulfillment and dedication for Love and more a whole, complete, true SELF. Having a man in my life can add to this, but it is not the definition of it.

    With all that being said, I just realized that my old way of date and fill yourself up with yourself was the way to go, but with one modification. I have to be true and authentic about my feelings, wants, needs and desires for myself. Not to fear the feelings. I remember being a young woman and literally sitting in front of the mirror and watching myself cry and purging my feelings and emotions and basically chatting, “There is good in the bad. There is good in the bad. It is all good. It is all part of me. Learn, grow, receive. There is something here for you.” At my lowest time, I knew there was a reason for it all…and there was.

    This was at a time when my first husband and I split and I felt I was worthless because I was 25 with two small children and who was ever gonna want me. I sat and let myself have my pity party. Then I did a strange thing….I started to laugh at myself for being so ridiculous. How dare I feel sorry for myself. I was beautiful, intelligent, warm, funny, inviting, sexy, alluring, just to name a few things. There are people who love me and I don’t even know it (as every woman has). I can stop men in their tracks with my presence. I am wonderful. I am extraordinary. So I made myself believe in myself.

    But along the way, I started to lose that. I dont know what happened to me. Maybe I felt age coming on or something, but whatever it was, I’m working to shake it and know my inner diva again. Have an ego. Know your true beauty because others are in tune to it too. Work it and rock it.

    I think I will….and having a great time!!!!!

  262.  #262Nikita on September 28, 2010 at 9:38 pm

    Amy F,

    Remember……anything you do is because you want it regardless of the outcome……no blaming Frenchman for “coming” in between you and pd man if you get disenchanted or his weenie is teeny …….these decisions are about YOU and what feels good for YOU

    Did I just write teeny weenie? Omg…. I feel ridiculous – I don’t mean literally teeny….I just mean if it’s not the cat’s meow…..all we ever have is this moment……be truthful about your desires moment to moment….

    Bisous 😉

  263.  #263Nikita on September 28, 2010 at 9:56 pm

    Oops….wrong thread:(

  264.  #264Brenda on September 29, 2010 at 1:34 am


    RE: #261 – Beautiful post! That reads like an article…you could submit it and maybe you’d get published! Best wishes!

  265.  #265BarbinOz on September 29, 2010 at 2:48 am

    #257 Me (!!)

    Well I sent the message and a minute later the phone clicked because I had no credit and had forgotten ha ha!!

    So on my way to work I stopped and got some and looked at the message again and saw I had used the word “YOU” soooo this is a big RR no no when doing feeling messages so I edited it before sending:


    Then he phoned, but by then I was in work and had to switch off the mobile, so then when I switched it on at lunchtime 2 messages from him:


    (What the hell does that mean???)



    And just went to Plenty of Fish and he has sent me this message:

    “Forgive me for calling u Aunty barbs but I just love it. I worked with someone of same name a few years ago and called her same, she now lives at Kangaroo Valley. When and where can we meet? I am at xxxxx (suburb) at the moment.
    much love

    I am REALLY turned off by this guy now but don’t want to be a bi**h, but I just feel like blocking him on POF and blocking him on my phone, can I even do that? Not that I was turned on by him in the first place ……but ya know……..I feel a bit mumsy and I want to feel like a sex bomb/Goddess/Diva/Siren not like some old granny/mummy/AUNTY!!!!

    It’s like a bloody insult to all my RR stuff!!!!

  266.  #266BarbinOz on September 29, 2010 at 2:55 am

    Ha ha I have a delay on typing tonight on her, that is supposed to say a MAN not a MINA!!! 😀

  267.  #267BarbinOz on September 29, 2010 at 3:02 am

    #253 Katarina

    Fancy having two places in the same country with almost identical names how confusing!!

    I now much prefer Washington State with all that sex in the forest than boring old Washington DC with statues and politicians 😀

  268.  #268Lorelei on September 29, 2010 at 3:13 am

    Hi Barb –

    Great message to Aunty-guy (#247, #257) . Don’t beat yourself up about the “you”. There are other rephrases for the next time – just “I feel really weird being called Aunty.” Or whatever else comes up from someone else. I know I would feel like deleting him straight away!! I did with creepy photo guy because although there was some humour and joking in what he said, there was no reassurance that he took my discomfort seriously. And I wasn’t playing games about my discomfort. It was just the truth,

    Maybe worth a shot at something like “I feel unheard here.,” to see if he can catch and return the ‘ball’ / feeling message you’re throwing him. In Toxic Men, one of Rori’s male guest speakers talks about giving a guy a few goes at learning to catch (and respect) the message you send, rather than ignoring/dropping it. He jokes about giving a man 5 or 6 goes (like teaching a dog to fetch!) but most important thing is to stay with the truth of how he makes you feel. The guest speaker said lot of guys do have to learn this. They don’t arrive in our lives fully formed, and they didn’t have great models in their parents’ relationships, just like we didn’t.

    You can still delete him if he just comes back at you with more jokes or seems not to hear your feeling messages. The little I have really managed to put into practice from on here has shown me really clearly that there are two types of men- those who can respond to feeling messages, or who can learn to, and those who just can’t.

  269.  #269Daria on September 29, 2010 at 3:54 am

    i think : from what i noticed, all men respond to feeling messages and truth…

    however not all will respond to Mine, because maybe we’re on different levels… and he’s not able to hear the feeling message at my level… especially if he has “issues” i would have to Really be so Goddess to be heard, if at all

    but fortunately the only way TO be heard is to reject the behavior i don’t want… and open up More with feelings…

    so if it doesn’t feel good and i do feel unheard with a man… they i don’t have to tolerate that… which will only make me More Goddessy… and More able to be heard


    until i AM Goddess and am heard without saying a word

  270.  #270BarbinOz on September 29, 2010 at 4:22 am

    #268 and #269

    Both GREAT posts thank you, because I AM a Goddess 😀 without saying one single word…….

  271.  #271Mercedes on September 29, 2010 at 6:00 am

    Katarina: I’m confused. You say “We are officially in love” and “he barely knows me” in the same post. How is that possible? Is it maybe not “love” so much as “connected” (which is a very good thing) and thus the reason you are so confused? For me, when it was finally real, true love and intimacy…well…there was no more confusion…none.

    Much Love,

  272.  #272Karen on September 29, 2010 at 6:42 am

    @ Rhon, very beautiful sentiments, and quite inspiring. 🙂

    As they say, when one door closes, another one opens. I was in tears from Paul yesterday, after him telling me he would ‘ponder’ dating me again. I pushed him to break it off, even though he had already essentially done just that, but I made him say the words.

    And then lo and behold, I got an email from a guy on POF. I used the email script that Barb? posted. (I think it was Barb, I am sorry if that is wrong!), he emailed back, gave me his phone number, and asked me to call him as he ran over his cell phone w/ his truck, lol. We talked for 2 hours yesterday, and we’re meeting this weekend. I’m going to see him, as he lives about an hour away, and he is going to give me a tour of his town. He is 10 years younger than me, he’s a hottie, and he thinks I’m beautiful. Sooooo, we’ll see what happens. I’m excited. I’m disturbed that my feelings are going from one extreme to the other though, I need to get them to a more level playing field.
    Thanks again everyone!

  273.  #273Rhon on September 29, 2010 at 6:53 am

    Thanks Brenda. Sometimes I have, what I call, moments of clarity when I get it amongst my wavering moments of uncertainty and confusion….LOL

    I always say, who is going to love me if I don’t love myself. When I am confident, others are drawn near. They are like, “What does she have? I want a piece of that because it is awesome!!!” Positive energy vs. negative energy. What you put out to the world is what you will get back. I tell me girlfriends this all the time.

    Say you walk into a social gathering with the hopes to meet someone. If you are wearing insecurities, others will pick up on it right away. Feel your power. I remember a time when I was going through the roughest time in my relationship with my husband and a woman at work pointed out how unhappy I was. I immediately started to cry. I didn’t know anyone else could see it. I didn’t talk about it. I always put on a happy face, but they still knew. Others always can see it, sense it, feel it….no matter how much you try to conceal it.

    So revel in your own personal loveliness and beauty. Another thing I always say is, “I may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I know someone wants to take a sip.” I know my WOW factor is there. I just have to make sure that I don’t let it flame out when the insecurities want to creep in and tell me I’m not all that. I am ALL THAT and then some!!!!!

  274.  #274Rhon on September 29, 2010 at 7:07 am

    Thanks Karen. Put Paul to rest for a bit. I think he will come back around because if you drop it after putting that out there, he is going to wonder why you are not chasing him and it is going to pique his curiosity. Lean back and he will draw near. And if he doesn’t, then you really will know for sure.

    I love POF. I used it all the time, especially to get through those moments when everything is quiet and the walls start to whisper things to you and you feel like the night tortures you. You can be on POF for hours, just chatting and finding interesting people and passing the time. I always said I would go on there to look at the pretty pictures…lol. But I have met some fantastic men on there. (Actually met the object of my current desire there.)

    I had made a big change by picking up and moving to Florida from Pittsburgh in a timeframe of 6 weeks and had networked with men on there before I came down. I had 20 suitors vying for dates before I even stepped foot in the state…and they were all gentlemen. I had no expectations, and I had a wonderful time meeting new men and seeing new things.

    But D always had first pick….lol. He had me at HELLO the very first time we talked. The story is not complete yet, just anxious and apprehensive of the last page. TO BE CONTINUED……..

  275.  #275Karen on September 29, 2010 at 7:10 am

    Rhon, you sound like you are well-grounded. 20 guys!?! Do you keep a spreadsheet?!? lol. I agree though, POF can be alot of fun, and can be an instant pick-me-up at times. You’re a CD master!

  276.  #276Rhon on September 29, 2010 at 7:34 am


    It was a little tricky keeping the names straight sometimes. There were days I had an afternoon date and then an evening date. It was a ego lifting experience. I enjoyed it.

    Like I said in a previous post, I have had moments of clarity, but when I’m the in the midst of the situation, I think I lose it a little. I actually I feel that I got to be a bit of a know-it-all. I would do a once over with him. Look him up and down and tell him why he was closed off and needed to work on it. That relationships are about progression and growth. If its not growing, its dying. Every 2-3 weeks we would have “A Talk”…initiated by me of course about “the state of the union”.

    I cringe now to think of it all. And he was always understanding and willing. But I think enough got to be enough. He didn’t need someone telling him all the time what was not right and needed fixed. If I had issues, that many, then I needed to find someone who would fit my IDEAL mold better. Hindsight has brought this clarity. His actions, his words, his requests, which I always misunderstood as being uncaring and unwanting were actually his way of telling me what to do to keep him. He literally was giving me the road map and I still refused to follow direction, thinking I was so right all the time. And I was, but it was not necessary to point it out and emasculate him in the process. And maybe I needed to take a look at ME. I truly was the key. I needed to stop rowing and guiding and directing and let him be the man that I know he could be for me.

    So my grounding has come a bit late to avoid drama in the relationship, but I am trying my best to accept him as he is, be understanding and to let go and work on my inner self for my own personal happiness, whether he is a part of that or not. Being real and honest and authenetic is a major part of it for me. I need to embrace the negative feelings (as I once did when I was much younger) and look my fears in the face and see them as a part of me instead of acting like they are not. That is my personal journey at the moment…and I can say, I am really not there yet. I can still feel that I am avoid the truth…but I will get there.

  277.  #277Karen on September 29, 2010 at 7:42 am

    Rhon, better late than never. It has been very helpful for me to just understand my feelings, to give them a voice, to understand why I feel this way, even though it may not be a good feeling to have. Their still mine, and I have to own them. Once I do that, I feel much better and am able to logically think through things.

  278.  #278Katarina Phang on September 29, 2010 at 8:23 am

    Mercedes, it’s a beginning of love as much as a 3 week fling can engender that feeling of being in love. It’s perhaps an infatuation stage, that heady stage of falling in love of any relationship.

    So far what I’ve seen through his interaction with his son (a great dad) and friends, he is a really decent, down-to-earth man. He said he was just a simple guy and a single dad who was just trying to figure things out himself and be happy.

    I sense that he is. Of course we’ll find out more about each other in weeks/months to come. He wants me to spend holidays with him now.

    He kept saying, “I’m falling in love with you.” or “I’ve fallen for you.” Last night he said, “I’m in love with you now.”

    As I always said, it’s way too early to know if our love holds water but the connection we have is so incredibly strong, rare and special…the kind of thing you should have if you’re going to venture into a new relationship (at least for us).

  279.  #279Katarina Phang on September 29, 2010 at 8:29 am

    I’m confused (or conflicted) is because I now have two guys who love me and whom I love and I hate to break someone’s heart when the final rose ceremony comes around.

    I’ll take my time and trust things will work out in the end.

    May the best guy win. 🙂

  280.  #280tinque on September 29, 2010 at 8:45 am

    Katarina – I know this is possible, or at least I’ve heard it is, but I wonder how one can love two? It’s not something I’ve ever experienced. I would imagine it to be very confusing.
    I would also imagine that this will sort itself out as it’s meant to.

  281.  #281Rhon on September 29, 2010 at 8:49 am

    Karen, see that’s the thing about me. I have been stuffing the feelings down for so many years. Goes back to childhood issues, but more so because I was a single parent and I felt that I had to keep everything together. There was no support system for me. No family, no friends, no one to pick up the slack. I didn’t have time to fall about. I would say that there was me, myself and I. Between the 3 of us we could get things done. My poor daughters. I would tell them at very young tender age to suck it up and take it like a man. Can you imagine your mom telling you that at 6???? But I did. Their dad was more nurturing and caring at times. I had to make sure we had the roof and food, etc. while he had the luxury to play and do fun things with them and never pay a dime of child support (owes more than $65K now). And because of that, I took on a very masculine energy that I am just now really becoming aware of. I used to say I was all about business. No time for feelings. It’s to the point that I can’t really cry. It has disturbed me for many years that I can’t even cry. I just go numb…..and only feel what I can describe as a void. I even had a difficult time crying when my grandmother died, which was unexpected, and she was the closest person in my life to ever leave me.

    So I am really detached from my feelings. I still can’t touch them but I am aware of them. They are floating in the water, and I can see them, but if I try to get near the wave that is created from my movement pushing them away. So I have to move slowly in the water til I can get closer.

    I have recognized this as a problem for me especially with understanding and creating a closer relationship with my children and not been so harsh on others who don’t operate the way I do, not just with my love life.

    But I stepped outside myself and tried feelings messages with D, and he instantly responded. I felt almost panicky when I started to communicate them to him, and he stepped right in and up. And THAT was scary. My expectation of him closing off or running were not the case, and it was hard to deal with. But just like Rori said it would happen, I felt this weight lift from my shoulders and I could breathe. It was an emotional enema….lol. I felt cleansed and wonderful, like I had a detox. I purged those yucky feelings out to the world and him and he was there to embrace me. WOW!!!! It was a powerful moment. Still makes me unsteady, but I am trying to stay in the know about my feelings when I feel them and identify them and love them.

  282.  #282Karen on September 29, 2010 at 8:54 am

    Wow Rhon, that is powerful! I am a single mom, and it does feel like that, like I have to be strong all the time. I can’t just go pout somewhere, my feelings are always on the back burner, so to speak.
    I’m convinced Rori’s plan works, I’m just not that great with the implementation, lol.

  283.  #283Katarina Phang on September 29, 2010 at 9:01 am

    Tinque, I think it’s possible to love 2 guys at the same time…only differently.

    I feel personality wise SG and I are much more compatible. We share the same sense of humor and temperament. He’s very affectionate and so far (knock on wood) he seems to be a guy who loves to talk and share (I realize how much I need this in my partner).

    He’s marvelous in bed, the best lover a woman could ever ask. He’s perhaps one of the few men who could keep up with me. 😉

    He’s sensitive: on Sunday we were watching the news about a 2 year old girl who died in an accident. He cried. He said he loved his son so much.

    That really touched me. Here’s a big 6′ 3″ dude with a tear rolling down his face over a heartbreak story of a lost child.

    My husband is far more aloof, moody and much of a loner. I had problems connecting with him in the past -that’s how our relationship fell apart in the first place.

    But I still love him dearly.

  284.  #284Rhon on September 29, 2010 at 9:14 am

    Just from the few tips I have used, I see a difference. But one of my biggest issues is recognizing whether the man I want is the man that is right for me. I don’t know if I need to work it with him or walk away.

    I got the “I’m not ready” deal, even though we still spend as much time together as we had. And the sex is totally off the charts. That is my weakness….lol. Our sexual energy is extreme. Our openness and understanding of each other in that department is unbelievable. We enjoy just watching a ball game or going to dinner or whatever. We never have a bad awkward time together.

    But I fear that the other shoe is going to drop. I have been dating others, which he knows. I know he has seen a couple woman, but most of his free time is with me. But I know that will someday end, and I will get hurt.

    Speaking of being true and honest about my feelings. I was thinking I need to share with him what that feels like for me. But then I worry I’m thinking too much and being somewhat calculated because I hope and wish for on the back end of the conversation that he is going to say he wants the relationship back…which I know at this point he probably doesn’t. I have leaned back, and he is coming to me, but not in a more committed way. So do I just walk away and say this is not what I want? He is still very much still my focus…so all the other men I date are mere distractions and all I’m doing is avoiding my feelings. The truth is that I want him, and only him.

  285.  #285Karen on September 29, 2010 at 9:36 am

    Rhon, Evan Marc Katz has written about this. If the relationship is not going where you want it to go, and you feel like you are just spinning your wheels and feel like it needs to go further, now, sit him down and tell him that he isn’t meeting your needs. Of course you run the risk of losing him, so you have to be prepared for that, but if he isn’t meeting your needs then he needs to go so there will be room for someone who *will* meet your needs.

  286.  #286Rhon on September 29, 2010 at 9:45 am

    Karen, I get that, but the fear of losing him completely is so great in me that it is paralyzing. And I don’t think he would just go away. I would have to have strength to resist him, and I have a lot of trouble doing that.

    Also, he treats me very well. I have never had a man be so respectful and considerate of me (I have had a lot of bad eggs). So many things are good.

    But I have leaned back. I don’t ever initiate contact first, but I never did before, so does that even count? I just am not sure how to breach the topic or when the right time is to talk about it because I feel I know he will never bring it up. And does that mean something too? See, I think way too much about this.

    I have dates with 2 other men this week, so I will distract myself….or as I now know it to be….avoid dealing with my feelings. Maybe I will see him tonight and talk about it, but I’m not sure how or what to day. It is very uncomfortable for me, but he has been receptive so far. Just so so scary to walk into your own heartbreak.

  287.  #287Karen on September 29, 2010 at 9:51 am

    You got that right, it’s extremely scary! Maybe just let it go then, and enjoy the time you get to spend with him. See it for what it is. Until he takes it further, it’s not going further, ya know? And he WILL take it further if he wants to. But if you get to the point where you think you need to cut him loose, then you know what to do. Enjoy your femininity in the meanwhile. 🙂


  288.  #288Rhon on September 29, 2010 at 9:54 am

    So true. I am just trying to enjoy the moments we share and work on myself and keep my emotional attachment to him at bay.

    So far, so good. No expectations for the future. Just living for the wonderful moments now.

  289.  #289Nikita on September 29, 2010 at 10:00 am


    You sound a little bit like my mother. So yes, I can imagine someone speaking to a 6 year old girl in the manner you describe. I feel relieved knowing that you are determined to connect to your feelings. The little girl in me feels very invested in your journey with Rori.

  290.  #290BarbinOz on September 29, 2010 at 10:09 am

    #289 Nikita

    My mother was/is very like this too Nikita, all masculine energy and DOING…………this has been very interesting for me to read and learn from…….

  291.  #291Lorelei on September 29, 2010 at 10:26 am

    I’m feeling really confused now about what I’ve posted on which blog thread. So I’ll just launch in.

    Online dating: I’m tweaking my script for what to write when there’ve been one or two or three emails. After about 3 emails, I begin to feel a bored!

    I was riffing with Daria’s and Barb’s versions, because in Euroland we tend to be a bit less direct, and add a bit more padding. As you can probably tell from my posts! So your Siren-y comments, please, on this:

    “I enjoy our online contact, but I feel I can’t really tell how we would get on in person, just from emails. I don’t want to email much anymore if there’s no real chance of meeting. What do think?

    My name
    My number”

    And I’m still confused about adding the number – even though Rori recommends it. How is this not leaning forward?? Maybe I only need the first sentence here – the second one spells it out big-time.

  292.  #292Lorelei on September 29, 2010 at 10:33 am

    And here’s my take on expressing that I don’t drive distances, after he has emailed something about meeting up.

    “Dear So-and-so

    I’m feeling fairly old-fashioned about all this stuff. Maybe it’s different because I’m a woman and feel a bit vulnerable? I wouldn’t feel comfortable driving long-distance or very far from home to meet someone I don’t know, at least at first. I’m looking for someone who could come closer to me . . . Don’t take this personally – it’s just what I feel. What do you think?”

    There is a naughty trick double meaning near the end there . . should I take it out??!!

  293.  #293Daria on September 29, 2010 at 11:06 am

    Lorelei – Rori said about the giving him our number

    its still up to him to initiate and call.. so we are good there…

    we’re not actually Telling him to call


    and i like your second message

    tho i don’t necessarily agree that “padding” is the way to go – in europe or otherwise – your messages feel great!

  294.  #294Daria on September 29, 2010 at 11:07 am

    Rhon – CDing men is not about distracting ourselves and avoiding our feelings… as you mentioned in one of your last lines..

    oh no no no… its about opening our hearts with Every man, including these new men… really letting them in… and sharing our feelings – our in the moment feelings – with all of them

  295.  #295Nikita on September 29, 2010 at 11:15 am

    “I enjoy our online contact, but I feel I can’t really tell how we would get on in person, just from emails. I don’t want to email much anymore if there’s no real chance of meeting. What do think?”

    I don’t like it 🙁

    I don’t know why….I feel confused by it….I feel evaluated…it feels thinky…..I need it to feel softer in order to like it….it feels prickly and scattered even though I feel personally very supportive of Lorelei 🙂

  296.  #296Nikita on September 29, 2010 at 11:20 am

    The term online contact sounds very blade runner to me….it’s digital and seems to remove the humanity….I’d like something more ethereal and organic…..

    Maybe….and Daria please help me if you’re up for it;

    I feel intrigued 🙂 I feel curious…… I feel frustrated with email as I can’t see your eyes or hear your voice….I much prefer relating in real life……what do you think?….. I don’t want a virtual meet….I feel curious about the man behind the monitor 🙂

  297.  #297Nikita on September 29, 2010 at 11:23 am

    Yes, yes, !!!!! It felt factory like before….rather; conveyor belt-esque…… I don’t want to you to put me on the spot….I want you to be interested, enamored, enchanted, curious, up for it…good company….. A pleasure……a nice memory….. A good companion….. A lady…. Charming 😉

  298.  #298Nikita on September 29, 2010 at 11:30 am

    And here’s my take on expressing that I don’t drive distances, after he has emailed something about meeting up.

    “Dear So-and-so

    I’m feeling fairly old-fashioned about all this stuff. Maybe it’s different because I’m a woman and feel a bit vulnerable? I wouldn’t feel comfortable driving long-distance or very far from home to meet someone I don’t know, at least at first. I’m looking for someone who could come closer to me . . . Don’t take this personally – it’s just what I feel. What do you think?”

    I like this one very much…..but I don’t like “don’t take it personally”……that’s directing, or telling me how to feel, how to think, how to respond…….I take everything personally !! It’s addressed to me 🙂

    Maybe instead of “looking for someone who could come closer”….. Hoping, feel more comfortable….be thrilled…..flattered….or even need….it’s ok to need… 🙂

  299.  #299Lorelei on September 29, 2010 at 11:45 am

    Nikita – ooh great – thank you. I feel VERY supported by your tweaks to my scripts. Please don’t be concerned about me feeling unsupported or criticised here. I feel very open to all your comments. That’s why I posted here. I felt mine were too formal and, well, too scripted somehow. And the Blade Runner bit makes me laugh! It does sound like a message from a cyborg! E.g. “I feel pleased to have received your online contact, #469, category DU8. Please respond according to protocol Ed87t.” Etc.

    I’m still very new to this, and only a week old in online dating terms. Totally want to be more fully organic, Siren-y, flow-y, grounded, in-touchy, magnetic. My message2 about driving to meet perhaps isn’t so bad, but message1 was all – I get it now – more like hinting about arranging a business meeting somehow!!!

  300.  #300Nikita on September 29, 2010 at 11:47 am

    Lol 🙂

  301.  #301Lorelei on September 29, 2010 at 11:55 am

    And I really like how your tweaks sound more inviting, more intriguing to him, more alluring, and, yes, more SEXY in a subtle way.

    My “looking for” in Message 2 sounds like the limited word count of the personal ads.

    I love your suggestions.

    And Daria thanks for the thumbs up.

    I am practicing riffing out loud with these sorts of things, but I might have to put copies of these ideas by the phone, because sooner or later I’m going to have to do them on the phone as well.

    All my squirming discomfort about all this comes from stuff I’m processing at the moment about no longer needing to please or accommodate men, or make it easier for them than for me. It’s a general thing about all men, not just the specific ones who are contacting me. But I will get there!!!

  302.  #302Nikita on September 29, 2010 at 12:14 pm


    I feel giddy 😉
    I wanted to tell you ” be an invitation” a constant, living, breathing, feeling, invitation……but I didn’t write that….but I was feeling it….and somehow….the message came through …thanks for the feedback 🙂

    I felt challenged being an invitation and yet not directing or trying to control anything! I can only control my make-up and my wardrobe 🙂 actually I can’t control that either….just influence it. I spend a lot of time in a silk robe….it reminds me to stay in girl energy while I’m home writing….maybe a pretty nightgown could inspire you when responding to your emails.
    Or a dress….. Or a pretty feminine glass….or tea cup….I have a list of feelings….. And in the beginning I referred to the list because sometimes I didn’t know what I was feeling….so I’d read the list and see if I connected to any of them…..that helps me. I still have it on my nightstand-( it’s in an Nvc book) I’d actually wait hours to respond to anyone until I could find the feelings…..I did not respond when I was at work because I was different at work….I was in work mode….so I’d wait until I was free and felt girly to respond….this helped me to really slow down….. Silence is golden 🙂

  303.  #303Nikita on September 29, 2010 at 12:29 pm

    Ok so since I’m home doing NOTHING and loving it!!!

    Here’s a few from my book that might feel helpful when replying.

    Aroused 😉
    Cool 🙂
    Delighted !
    Glowing 🙂
    Intrigued 😉
    Perky 😉
    Stimulated 😉

    At this time I refuse to list the feelings that express when our needs are not being met 🙂
    Because I choose for your needs to be met.

  304.  #304Lorelei on September 29, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    Love it love it love it! Love the list.

    Oh, we’re HOT.

    And, you know, you’re right about context and mood. The over-business-like message bits really came because I was in work mode, and also feeling stressed about some aspects of my divorce process. I was not in relaxed kitten mode. Still less in sex-kitten mode.

    Big learning curve. Better to deal with all contacts when I’m in a softer feeling place.

  305.  #305Buttery on September 29, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    Thank you for the great feelings list Nikita!

    I really need to expand my feelings vocabulary; I realize that I use “I feel good..” waaaaay too often when I could be using some more exciting or specific word to describe my good feeling.

    I feel hopeful that I will get better at communicating my feelings 🙂

  306.  #306Lorelei on September 29, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    Luckily I hadn’t sent the cyborg message – wanted to air it on here first.

    More feeling version of Message1:
    “I’m feeling frustrated by email as I can’t see your eyes or hear your voice, and it’s really hard to tell what’s happening!! I don’t want just virtual meetings. I much prefer relating in real-life . . . face-to-face. What do you think? I feel curious about the real man behind the monitor . . . ”

    More feelingy version of Message2:
    “I’m feeling fairly old-fashioned about all this stuff. Maybe it’s different because I’m a woman and feel a bit vulnerable? It might feel different if I were a long-distance lorry driver!!! I wouldn’t feel comfortable traveling very far from home to meet someone I don’t know. I’m hoping for someone who would come closer to me, at least at first . . . What do you think?”

    I feel happy, glorious, smiling, hopeful and confident that I can trust and hold my own boundaries, and that there are men who might love to be given this kind of challenge to reassure and respect a lady.

    [The cyborg messages came from a place where I wasn’t at all sure my messages would be heard, or my feeling messages respected.]

  307.  #307Daria on September 29, 2010 at 1:16 pm

    yay ladies – Nikita very lovely and wow indeed! Lorelei great job integrating it!

    Heres the honest truth … for me… lol… i am so simple and businessy with the online –> phone transiton…

    it’s usually somethign like>>.

    hey… i feel tired of talking on the computer… im at 555 5555


    works everytime (at least i think it does – works plenty for me to think it works everytime hehe)

  308.  #308Daria on September 29, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    I would be careful of using the Nikita-Lorelei new message as he may call so quickly i won’t have a chance to grab the phone…

  309.  #309Nikita on September 29, 2010 at 1:27 pm


    Maybe a little more succinct?

  310.  #310Nikita on September 29, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    Daria, lol….. I feel so flattered 😉 hehehe

  311.  #311Lorelei on September 29, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    Hahaha Daria. I’ll let you know. I have 3 online contacts who are going to get the first message tomorrow – too late in Euroland to send now. I don’t want to be up all night! Somehow I have to stop this turning into my full-time job!

  312.  #312Nikita on September 29, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    This is my fave……. It feels so cat woman / batman 🙂

    I feel curious about the real man behind the monitor . . . ”

  313.  #313Brenda on September 29, 2010 at 1:53 pm

    I like the combo of both of your messages:

    Hey…I feel curious about the real man behind the monitor . . .
    i feel tired of talking on the computer… im at 555 5555

  314.  #314Lorelei on September 29, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    Yes, I see, I could trim it a bit.

    1: “I’m feeling frustrated by email as I can’t see your eyes or hear your voice, and it’s really hard to tell what’s happening!! I much prefer relating in real-life . . . . What do you think? I feel curious about the real man behind the monitor . . . ”

    “I’m feeling fairly old-fashioned about all this stuff. Maybe it’s different because I’m a woman and feel a bit vulnerable? I wouldn’t feel comfortable traveling far from home to meet someone I don’t know. I’m hoping for someone who would come closer to me, at least at first . . . What do you think?”

  315.  #315Lorelei on September 29, 2010 at 2:55 pm

    Oh I’m too tired – still too wordy!!!

  316.  #316tinque on September 29, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    E-mail feels too impersonal. I feel curious about the man behind the monitor.

    I don’t feel comfortable traveling far from home to meet a man for the first time.


  317.  #317BarbinOz on September 29, 2010 at 4:13 pm


    I still think my response is the best 😀

    Actually it’s Lizzie’s or Brenda’s words (again!!) I think…..

    “I have decided I really don’t want to email much anymore. I am interested in meeting people, and from now on, most of my interactions will be live and in person. What do you think?”

  318.  #318BarbinOz on September 29, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    #303 Great list Nikita, thanks for so many more words than “good” and “great” my 2 most overused feeling words 🙂

    I will bookmark this…..

  319.  #319Rhon on September 29, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    Nikita: #289-I now understand better how I have been, and even though I knew I didn’t want that for myself or my kids, I didn’t know how to change it. I think now I have tools to help in transforming that.

    I didn’t realize that I was having such a strong masculine energy until just a few days ago. I always consider myself to be a sensual, loving, caring, soft woman. But know I see myself in a different light. I see how I have been controlling and always in charge. No wonder I was having such a time with certain areas in my life. Now I know a little better and going to work to change all of that.

  320.  #320Rhon on September 29, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    Daria: #298-Yes, I understand that CDing is not about distraction. I had been that way when I was younger and had ignored the feelings by stuffing them down and I still was in pain. I see now that doesn’t work. I see now that I have to share my feelings and become more open. I know this now, but still working on my bravery to actually do it. I see it worked, but I’m still afraid to do it with D now. If I see him tonight, I may do it a little.

  321.  #321Nikita on September 29, 2010 at 7:01 pm

    Growing up i thought my mom was one of the sexiest women in the WORLD!
    Long legs…shapely hips….gorgeous skin and she dressed so classic – not flashy but classic woman….black stockings/ white blouse…skirt and pumps…..but. . . With me…? No vulnerability….. I missed that part….I dress very well….I am a very elegant woman….but I was tough….too tough….and too strong….I wanted to feel my mom’s heart was accessible but I only felt her thoughts and opinions….and those hurt. I didn’t want to man-up 🙂 lol! I wanted to be super girly and playful and soft…..I wanted leave it to beaver’s mom….lol!

  322.  #322Brenda on September 29, 2010 at 9:50 pm

    Here’s my feeling statement for the evening…

    I feel so bored of being alone. I don’t want to go to bed another night without making mad, passionate love. What do you think?

    Good night! 🙂

  323.  #323Lorelei on September 30, 2010 at 12:57 am

    Re: numbers 316, 317.

    Thanks, Tinque – simpler feels better.

    But I don’t feel right just with incredibly short messages. The shorter messages get, the more they feel brisk, business-like and masculine and boy-energy . . But this could be a cultural difference – it IS different in England (and I’ve spent a lot of time in North America as well, and had to learn there that very direct, short communications weren’t rude, just direct). Very short messages can seem rude over here in Euroland, unless you know someone well, and can assume that they aren’t being rude, no matter what the content of the message.

  324.  #324Lorelei on September 30, 2010 at 1:06 am

    Barb- re your email/phone message . . . especially “from now on, most of my interactions will be live and in person.”

    Re-reading it again this morning, is it possible that the man could misinterpret this as “I don’t want to email anymore, I’m through with online dating, I only want interactions with live men I bump into in my real life”?

    Borrowing Nikita’s feelings and phrases about my cyborg message, it’s not feeling very invitational . . . . ? It feels a bit like telling him how it will be . . .

    So, combo of various ideas: “Email feels too impersonal for all this. I feel curious about the real man behind the monitor, and I prefer relating to people in real-life. What do you think?

  325.  #325Daria on September 30, 2010 at 2:31 am

    Lorelei – simpler is usually better when it comes to feeling messages… they work at a level that is way deeper than “rudeness” can touch…

    however… in this case – moving from online to phone – it really doesn’t matter much… clarity and succinctness is not of the essence…

    i personally seem to come up with loong ones, especially in text.. uff… hehe

  326.  #326Lorelei on September 30, 2010 at 2:54 am

    Here is my version, for now, of the online message that intends to invite phone contact and a face-to-face meeting.

    “Email feels so impersonal – I can’t see your eyes or hear your voice . . . I can’t really sense what’s happening. What do you think? I feel curious about the real man behind the computer screen . . .

    I’m sending out a batch of these right now!!!!

  327.  #327BarbinOz on September 30, 2010 at 3:00 am


    Well G who I am meeting on Saturday for lunch sent an email after the above entitled ‘LIVE IS GOOD”……soooo……..

    Mind you the guy from POF who said I agree still hasn’t picked up the oars to row the boat LOL!!

  328.  #328Lorelei on September 30, 2010 at 3:01 am

    Hi Daria!

    Your post popped up just before mine did. Interesting . . that feeling messages are more powerful when simpler. I hear you. And on the phone, riffing is better than reading from a script, and I did quite well when a guy phoned earlier in the week. I was kind of joking about the notes by the phone. I want more practice!

    I loved Nikita’s line about eyes/voice because it sounds like the actual physical stuff of face-to-face relating, rather than “prefer relating in real life” or “want live interactions” which summarises things like actually looking at eyes and hearing the voice.

    Will let you know the results!

  329.  #329Lorelei on September 30, 2010 at 3:03 am

    Go Barb!!

  330.  #330BarbinOz on September 30, 2010 at 3:43 am

    BTW I didn’t write JUST this, I did respond in part to the last email, and THEN wrote the script……

  331.  #331Lorelei on September 30, 2010 at 4:47 am

    Barb – yes, I assumed there was more message before the scripted bit -I do that too. Let’s keep going with this.

    I just sent my scripted message to 3 contacts – and will lean way back, softening my shoulders as I do so! And see how they react!! I’m open to being surprised!

  332.  #332BarbinOz on September 30, 2010 at 5:24 am

    #331 Lorelie

    Well good luck to getting 1 out of 3 🙂

    Personally I just watched 2 episodes of Coronation Street on my ITV Player link thingie and Molly just had the baby, is it Kevin or Tyrone’s? And Sophie is still missing LOL!!


  333.  #333Brenda on September 30, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    Just the thought of restricting my eating makes me want to binge.

  334.  #334tinque on September 30, 2010 at 5:17 pm

    Memory Lane. Wow. I used to watch Coronation Street when I lived in New Zealand, oh so long ago. It took me forever to be able to understand them, but then again it took me forever to be able to understand the Kiwis,

  335.  #335Lorelei on September 30, 2010 at 10:24 pm

    Well- so far, of the 3 messages ending with the killer scripted “I’m curious about the real man behind the monitor . . ” one guy phoned back the same day, actually phoning from another continent where he’s away on business, and suggesting he’ll phone again when home, to arrange a meet.

    How about The Archers – anyone??!?!!

  336.  #336Lorelei on September 30, 2010 at 10:35 pm

    Even if the other 2 never contact me again, I feel more confident already about sending this kind of message. I do find that I start to feel bored once email messages have gone on for over 3 or 4 exchanges.

    The guy who phoned – well, I don’t feel all that enthused. The guy who I am meeting midday Saturday (my first ‘date’ in 16 years) has a lovely voice on the phone. When we were confirming the time last night, at one point HE ASKED ME if I was FEELING a bit nervous about this!!! So I was able to say “I do feel a little nervous” (the truth) but added “but that feels normal”, and I’m looking forward to meeting you” (also the truth). He took pains to reassure me and that he’s looking forward to it to, and to put at my ease. Is this normal??

  337.  #337Nikita on September 30, 2010 at 10:48 pm

    It feels normal to me …..if he’s more masculine…..or protective….chivalrous…..this would be abnormal for a jerk 😉

  338.  #338Nikita on September 30, 2010 at 10:56 pm

    I love that this message is getting test drives 🙂 I can feel the man feeling his own awareness of being distinctly different from you…..and jumping at the opportunity to BE fully in his role as a man…..like; yeah! I am a real man….this is a bright lady and she gets me….she sees me! And we haven’t even met! It’s challenging somehow without being confrontational….it feels cooperative….very inviting

  339.  #339Lorelei on September 30, 2010 at 11:16 pm

    Yes yes, that’s exactly what it feels like. Thanks Nikita, again for your responsiveness. This is so new to me. He might be very masculine energy. Actaully, of the online contacts, he’s the only one who suggested meeting, (“We should meet!”) without me needing the new script about impersonal email. I felt really spooked, threatened actually, to start with – I suppose he was really leaning forward and it seemed utterly strange to me. But Yay for masculine men who step up and lean forward. I’m leaning way, way back.

  340.  #340Nikita on September 30, 2010 at 11:40 pm

    I am going to sleep now but I look forward to hearing more 🙂
    If we stay connected to ourselves in the heart it feels easier to intuit what’s going on moment to moment. If you feel comfy good….if you don’t -listen to that too. Trust yourself 🙂

  341.  #341BarbinOz on October 1, 2010 at 2:31 am

    Good luck Lorelei with masculine man 🙂

    Well so far over here in Australia, G who I sent the email to this morning with my mobile number the one I am supposed to be meeting tomorrow lunchtime hasn’t phoned or emailed…….

    I have had another email contact on the paid dating site (RSVP) but haven’t replied as yet.

    And another on POF who is asking do I want to meet him…..so many men so little time…..ha ha!!

    I too don’t like the ENDLESS emails especially on POF makes me think half of them are married and bored…….

  342.  #342BarbinOz on October 1, 2010 at 2:33 am

    And you know what I just realised I am calm and relaxed and leaning way way back and don’t feel any pressure to step up like I normally do…..

    Que sera, sera and all that………..

  343.  #343BarbinOz on October 1, 2010 at 2:34 am

    #334 Tinque

    Oh yes the Kiwis love Corrie, my best friend is Maori and we spend loads of time talking about it LOL!!

  344.  #344BarbinOz on October 1, 2010 at 2:56 am

    OOps just saw on my phone that G called me when I was at work, but hey ladies I don’t return his missed call right? What with me a Siren and dating all these other guys…..cough cough…..

  345.  #345BarbinOz on October 1, 2010 at 4:56 am

    Sooo its now 10pm here in Australia and I have my phone turned off, didn’t hear the phone call from G as I was at work and my phone was in my bag.

    Is this just ME or am I somehow turning off men before we even get to the meet stage. Since finding RR about a month ago, buying the book, conversing with the Sirens, buying the Targeting Mr Right DVD’s……….having a new profile written up by Lizzie, submitting new pics to a paid dating site……….well hell I can’t even get past a few emails…….I am feeling sooo disheartened once again about this whole online dating thing that I feel like crawling back into my own safe space/shell, maybe I am meant to be a hermit crab for the rest of my life…….sometimes this whole thing just feels too hard and difficult to be bothered with.

  346.  #346BarbinOz on October 1, 2010 at 4:59 am

    My post sounds whiney and self pitying but thats how I feel right now, like having my own pity potty 🙂


    Sitting on a pity potty is a more solitary exercise than going to a pity party, but both describe feeling sorry for one-self. While sitting on the pity pot, the victim bemoans his or her own fate, usually only making comparisons with those more fortunate–those richer, smarter, funnier, sexier, and better looking. And in far less trouble! “Oh, woe be me!” is a common thought, as is “Oh shit, oh damn!” Any recovering addict spends a lot of time first sitting on the pity pot and will strongly resemble a baby or toddler at early toilet-training. When addicts finally start to work their twelve step program, they gradually learn how to accept responsibility for their own body functions and actions, do the right thing, and become productive members of society. At this point, the initial work is done, and the addict is able to get off the pot. Who flushes it, is irrelevant. At least the addict has stopped all that whining.

    Pity pottier: “I’m such a lump of shit. Nobody likes me. Nobody loves me.”

    Other: “I love you. I like you.”

    Pity pottier: “You don’t count. You must obviously be a loser too.”

    Other (groans): “Oh, come on! Will ya get off that pity potty already?”

  347.  #347BarbinOz on October 1, 2010 at 5:15 am

    Maybe I was better off before this whole RR thingie, now I feel more rejected than ever. I am supposed to be a Siren/Goddess/Diva and I can’t even get a date…………at least before I was just me who couldn’t get a date………..at least then I had no expectations……..now I am supposed to be this feminine woman that men can’t resist and eerrrr……well yeah they ARE resisting…….

  348.  #348Renee on October 1, 2010 at 5:16 am

    Barb — Rori says it’s ok to return guys’ calls/txt/emails…you just don’t initiate.

  349.  #349Renee on October 1, 2010 at 5:22 am

    Barb — Don’t get down on yourself about the dating thing…you’re just getting started! As you continue to work on yourself, you will start attracting more high quality men — I promise!

    One thing that has really helped me is staying playful in the first few emails, especially with the ones who aren’t asking many probing questions. I also ask them unusual questions sometimes, like “do you believe in ghosts/ufo’s? If you could compete in any Olympic event (regardless of your existing skill level) which one would it be?”

    I also believe in what Evan Marc Katz preaches as far as “mirroring”…if he waits a day before getting back with you, you wait a day before getting back with him, etc. What do you think?

  350.  #350Renee on October 1, 2010 at 5:27 am

    Barb — Rori says the guys should be the main ones asking the questions, but really, when you’re just starting to email someone you’ve met online, if you don’t ask them questions, you have nowhere to go in your emails, you know? I mean, I’m still struggling with some of the tools myself (staying on my bridge while developing strong feelings for someone, obviously) but I am pretty good at landing dates, if I do say so myself, lol. I’ve just put the other men on the back burner lately, but I’m getting back in the game and trying to acclimate my mind to the idea of continuing to date others despite my strong feelings for Blondie…I’m feeling resistant to that concept right now (especially looking a month or two down the road), but I’m going to try…

  351.  #351BarbinOz on October 1, 2010 at 6:03 am

    Thanks Renee, but I just feel so bloody hopeless and helpless now, at least before RR I knew who I was………masculine energy and getting nowhere maybe, but at least I was ME…………I had no expectations – now its like all these men are supposed to be falling all over me…….and they AIN’T……….

  352.  #352Renee on October 1, 2010 at 6:29 am

    Barb, we all go through phases and you’re just in a ‘down’ phase right now…I go through periods online where I can’t hit a decent man with a stone (or a wink or whatever it is, lol). I suspect, if Rori were here, that she’d tell you to just keep practicing with the tools during all your interactions with men, continue filling your life with things that make you happy and you WILL start drawing in more high quality men into your life.

    One of the challenges of online dating, though, is that if you’re over, say, 45, the selection is somewhat limited just because of the technology barrier. Like you, though, I’m open to meeting men who are younger and that helps open the possibilities a lot.

    I feel like I know so many of he sirens on here…I’d love to see the dating profiles of the other sirens to pick up pointers from what they’re doing…I think mine is pretty good (it seems to draw a good amount of winks/emails) but I’m sure there’s room for improvement. If you feel comfortable sharing your info w/me, you can email me at: LivelyLovelyLass@yahoo.com. If not, I understand — you can’t be too careful these days!

  353.  #353Lorelei on October 1, 2010 at 11:03 am

    Barb – Sorry to read you’ve been feeling so bad. Hang in there, the online thing’s only been going a week, and you are a Siren and the men are going to come towards you. And I’m with Renee in no.348.

    From what I remember, in various programmes, Rori says return calls when he leaves a message asking you to. Discourteous not to. But if it’s a “Hi, I have nothing better to do and just wondered if you were there” or “Just calling to say Hi” call, you probably don’t need to answer.

    As he was clearly and obviously calling about the date, I would call back, but not in a leading way. He may call again anyway, and that would be perfect. So you could text, saying “Hi – yesterday I felt so immersed in work, and my phone was switched off. Only picked up your missed call at bedtime, too late to call back . . . . . .” But if you call him, in the morning, how about just beginning the call by warmly saying “Hi, it’s Barb” and let him lead from there. No need to say, “I’m returning your call” / “I’m calling to confirm the time/place we’re meeting.” Just let him lead, even if there’s a bit of a pause or silence, let him take up the slack. Let him say, “Oh, um, er are we still on for today?” GOOD LUCK!!

    And if every man turns up with a message or message(s) – something for us to learn, at least this guy is giving practice in leaning back, even when you might have to return a call.

    Your riffing with the messages about less email/more actual contact helped me so much – they felt so fresh, and much less waffly and formal than mine, and you had so many takes on it. You’re a natural!!! It feels easier to tell you this than to tell myself these things. But again, from Rori, if doing this stuff isn’t triggering us big time, we not in deep enough!

  354.  #354healingsound on October 1, 2010 at 11:34 am


    You are still you, you’re just exploring new territory..
    and it takes time to feel comfortable and find your way around, you know? when you get more used to your more softer feminine self you’ll trust your instincts more too, you know?
    I’m pretty sure the main thing isn’t about a txt here or there, it’s about becoming more natural and ok with letting go of the need to control and automatically taking the steering wheel…:)

  355.  #355healingsound on October 1, 2010 at 11:39 am

    ..that was a lot of ‘you knows’ .. 🙂

    having too high expectations somehow always seem to be counterproductive ..

  356.  #356Jacqueline on October 1, 2010 at 11:45 am

    Hey, ladies! Happy Friday to all….there’s a new girl – Memee posting on the page with my story, and she’s wanting help. Can anyone jump over there and invite her into the conversation? I’m off for awhile…



  357.  #357BarbinOz on October 1, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    Thanks ladies for taking the time. I was just having a bad night but am OK now LOL!! One thing about us Gemini’s we recover fairly quickly 😀

    It is now 6.30am and am supposed to meet G at 12.30pm, if I text or call at a more reasonable hour this morning will that look desperate? Just a few hours before the supposed date??

  358.  #358Renee on October 1, 2010 at 1:53 pm

    Barb — I don’t think it will come across as desparate if you return his call/txt him back mid-morning. I think he’d appreciate it and may be worrying that you haven’t called him back yet. I know the point isn’t to be overly concerned about his feelings right now, but I just got off the phone with a guy friend (ex bf) and we just got finished talking about how much men enjoy positive reinforcement too.

    For some reason, it feels more “leany-back” to me to txt him back as opposed to call him back. Also, you can txt even at this hour if you want and it won’t seem odd since he’ll just read it whenever he has a chance. What do you think?

  359.  #359crystal on October 1, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    to post #104…I say “hear hear!!” to “bring on the men who are ready to man up!”

  360.  #360BarbinOz on October 1, 2010 at 2:39 pm

    OK I will do it!!! I will use Lorelei’s suggestion which is partially true…..and I feel more leany back texting too especially as we haven’t even spoken on the phone yet, it makes me feel like I am initiating…..I have SO MUCH learning to do LOL!!

    “Hi G yesterday I felt so immersed in work, and my phone was switched off. Only picked up your missed call at bedtime, too late to call back B

    Does that sound OK????

  361.  #361BarbinOz on October 1, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    Hey ladies, well the text worked!! G just phoned me and we arranged our “date” – I did the quiet thing too and man he was waffling on, he was sooo nervous and I felt sorry for him, now normally I would chip in and chit chat to keep the convo going because I feel uncomfortable with others discomfort, but I have to be a RR siren today soooo can I take my laptop to the date and keep popping into the toilets and hook up and get advise from you ladies ha ha!!!

  362.  #362Nikita on October 1, 2010 at 3:20 pm


    Great 🙂

  363.  #363Renee on October 1, 2010 at 4:17 pm

    Barb — Can’t wait to hear how it goes! Please keep us posted:-)

  364.  #364BarbinOz on October 1, 2010 at 11:01 pm

    OK date over!! Just as Lizzie so rightfully predicted and from my previous online dating experiences he was older looking than his pic, heavier than his pic and shorter than his supposed 5′ 10″ – he says he is 52 so I didn’t feel obliged to tell him my real age as I am in much better shape than he is and look more like 52 than him LOL!!

    Nice enough guy but no sparks 🙁

    I tried doing the RR thing and man it was HARD!! I leant back in the chair with palms facing forward which made him lean forward, I kept smiling and nodding, and it was SOOO hard not to butt in to keep the conversation going. I didn’t do much of the feeling message stuff as I am not really comfortable yet, and couldn’t even say “I feel intrigued” or whatever…..cos ya know I didn’t!!

    He did most of the talking which is a first for me as I am quite the chatty kind, he is going to a wedding next week and his ex wife was supposed to there. She ran off with another man about 10 years ago, left her whole life behind and moved interstate, this other man will be at the wedding too as she has now run off with another man….and moved to ANOTHER state…..anyways she won’t be at the wedding now, I think the thought of her being there brought up some stuff for him as he did mention her a bit…….

    Well it started to get a bit quiet, we had eaten, drank our coffee and the restaurant got really empty, THAT should have been my move to call it quits as the conversation was drying up. But NO I let him get in first as he mumbled about how we were all talked out and he got the bill and we left, had a few minutes outside chatting then we said our goodbyes. I forgot to say thanks for lunch (though it only cost $10 as I just had a coffee and an entree thats a starter for my American and Canadian friends, I just googled it!!) and whilst I don’t feel it was a dismal failure I kept forgetting I was a Siren, mind you neither did i think he was the PRIZE!!

    I would give myself a 5 out of 10 for using the RR toolkit.


  365.  #365Lorelei on October 1, 2010 at 11:27 pm

    Great stuff Barb- so glad the leany-back text worked. This man gave you the opportunity to practice some of the basic positions, and you practiced. You did really well, it’s all baby steps. I’m keeping a few notes for myself on each contact, and the little lessons/messages I’m getting. Not so much about what I did wrong, as what I did right.

    Now I have to figure out what to wear for my first Rori-style meet and greet!!! Actually, that’s the least of it! I feel calm, scared, calm, scared, calm, scared, glowy, scared, confident, scared, curious, deep breath, shoulders open, lean back, interested, full of feeling, a little nervous, positive. Very funny idea – taking the laptop!! If we had ear wires and some kind of live hook up, I could have direct coaching in my ear! (Might not be able to report back straight away, for technical reasons, but I will as soon as possible.)

  366.  #366BarbinOz on October 1, 2010 at 11:56 pm

    Thanks Lorelei, love the ear phone idea ha ha!! Like a secret service agent all we need are the shades 😀

    I had a bit of a “clothes crisis” this morning myself, I bet men never get them!! The weather has turned quite cold and rainy so I couldn’t wear a floaty top, instead I wore a black pencil skirt, sheer stockings and heels, thought I would flaunt my best asset, my legs!! Tried on about 6 different pair of shoes mind you! And I wore a nice bright blue kinda tight top thingie (colour!!) and some blue sparkly ear-rings, I looked quite hot to trot I have to say 🙂 G wore a nice shirt and pants and shoes not like one date I had on my last round of Internet dating a few years back.

    Here’s the story Lorelei just so you don’t get too disapppointed LOL!!

    Barb and the Paramedic, when I was thinking of a bit of mouth to mouth BEFORE the date…….

    I met him after work, I was in a nice taupe suit, shirt, stockings, heels, make-up done check, hair done check, perfume sprayed on check……didn’t have a cigarette all day at work, wore a patch, just so you know I would smell nice and all that stuff…..

    On his profile Paramedic had on a tight shirt and a trim darkish beard……well this is funny now…… just not so much then……….. I don’t see too good long distance and I got to the place we were to meet at Central Railway Station under the big clock, and as I approached this figure and my eyes could see clearer inside my head I was going NOOOOOOooooooooo….this man in the RED fleece jacket with the enormous beer gut and the longish WHITEISH bear, all I could think of was HO HO HO MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!!!!! LOL!! AND he had on jeans and TRAINERS!!!

    I was soo disappointed that although I had on my profile I didn’t smoke, I thought well to hell with it he has lied about more than a packet of fags so I pulled one out at the bar and lit up 😀

    It was the only oral I was getting in this mans company 😀

  367.  #367BarbinOz on October 2, 2010 at 4:19 am

    And even though I met G today and felt no sparks, and I know he felt the same way too…………that is OK………it’s the one I feel the spark for and he is backing off that worries me………the one I am most scared and afraid of………

    Like Rori says don’t be afraid of the outcome………….and I am sooo not afraid of it when I don’t feel it for a man like today…………….but IF and WHEN I do meet the man that I DO CARE about him and he doesn’t step up then I KNOW I am going to lose myself yet again………..this is my biggest fear about the whole dating thing……not that I go on lots of dates with “frogs” not to be awful but you know……and it doesn’t matter if they feel the same way about me…….just like ships passing in the night…….what really really scares me …….is my falling for a man that doesn’t want me in the same way………

  368.  #368BarbinOz on October 2, 2010 at 4:28 am

    Or if he does he backs right off when I do my usual thing……….but this is the thing I have to change right???? It has happened too many times before…..all these “the ones” that got away……..because obviously I was doing the wrong thing or I wouldn’t be here………I am where I am supposed to be right now………

    When the pupil is ready the teacher will appear…….I sooo STRONGLY believe in that…….

  369.  #369BarbinOz on October 2, 2010 at 4:32 am

    I think I am riffing but that’s OK…………


    I am so afraid of being on my own forever……….

    I am so scared of being lonely and on my own…………..

    I do think its too hard to find Mr Right….for me……….

    Flip it around………….

    I feel happy and joyous that if I keep doing this RR thing I will meet Mr Right……..

    I feel hopeful that he will come into my life AGAIN and this time stay……..

    They say your mind doesn’t know the difference between reality and imagination…….SO……..

    I have THE RING on my finger and my dream lover man is waiting right outside my front door, just knocking and waiting for me to let him in……to my life……..to my home…….to my everlasting love…….

    YAY that feels good…….:D

  370.  #370BarbinOz on October 2, 2010 at 4:45 am

    I AM SOOO PISSED off at MM you know that one who told me he would waltz back into my life and sweep me off my feet in September when he got back from the Middle East, that US Army guy who is going to be stationed in Australia for the next 3 years…….the one who told me he wanted to marry me and we hadn’t and still haven’t met yet. He wanted to take me on a cruise, he soooo couldn’t wait to see me and meet me and talked about wanting to see my lovely face………and YES he had me going along with the whole shebang for a while there………well then he had to go back to the USA for a “few weeks” and he would contact me after he had gotten over his jet lag…….mmmm…….well jet lag doesn’t last a month!!!!!! And I had sooo lasered my focus on this man…….yet another one……yet again……I had forgotten that I AM THE PRIZE…….I still haven’t heard back from him – but that is his loss……I AM THE PRIZE!!!

  371.  #371BarbinOz on October 2, 2010 at 4:55 am

    BUT REALLY I should thank MM from the bottom of my heart because if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be here………..


  372.  #372tinque on October 2, 2010 at 8:16 am

    BarbinOz – You so crack me up. The descriptions of your escapades.
    Seriously though you have it right. This shift in your energy and your focus WILL transform your life, including your love life.

  373.  #373BarbinOz on October 2, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    Thanks Tinque 🙂

    And you know I was lying in bed this morning thinking, and I realised that in 6 months on POF, two men have wanted to marry me before we even met!! P who turned out to have such a different scary lifestyle/background to me, we did meet and my vibes went whooooaaaaa…… and MM as above…….better than nothing eh?

  374.  #374Orna Walters on October 2, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    Hi Lucy!

    Thank you for your sweet note! I’m happy to be here when time permits.

    Love and Abundance,
    Orna <3

  375.  #375BarbinOz on October 2, 2010 at 8:57 pm

    What I meant by my post #373 is that I remember the fact that although that marriage with these 2 men didn’t happen that there are men out there of my age looking for the same thing, so I am using this fact to shut my NV up!!

  376.  #376crystal on October 10, 2010 at 4:32 pm

    There’s this guy I really like…Mr Immigration. We’ve hung out a few times and since then he has asked me out many times over the summer, to which I had to say no due to being out of town. We had 2 more scheduled dates that he had to cancel due to sudden work travel. He sent me many texts about how he couldn’t wait to see me, and is very interested in seeing me if i can handle is ever changing work schedule.

    A 3rd time he asked me again and said he was coming to my town. He lives 3 hrs away. So seeing that it was going to be a Friday and he would have a 3 hr drive after working all day, I invited him to come for dinner. At 5pm that Friday, he texted me that he wouldn’t arrive until 11-11:30pm, and asked if we could just do it the next evening, after the baseball game? Well, “after the baseball game” made me feel upset and I didn’t like feeling like his last priority so I responded and said “Oh. That’s too bad. I already have plans for tomorrow night. Maybe next time.”

    So my question is, what (if anything) do I do now? I can handle his work schedule but don’t want to be someone’s last priority. And I haven’t heard from him since that text. Does that mean I’m never going to hear from him again? Do you think that he knows he messed up and thinks the door is closed? There’s a part of me that wants him to chase me, apologize and ask me out again.

    Need your advice Sirens!


  377.  #377crystal on October 10, 2010 at 8:09 pm

    Update – he sent me a message tonight saying he misses me. I feel happy to hear from him and don’t want to screw up this “do over”.

    I’m tired of texting and emailing. Don’t want to continue if not going to see each other. He comes up here alot on weekends as this is his hometown and he’s trying to get transferred back with his job.

    Any advice would be welcome!

  378.  #378Love on January 3, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    I have been dating a lovely guy for about 2 months. He’s been pursuing me, introduced me to his friends and colleagues very quickly and all went so fast that even I got a bit confused and scared. Suddenly one day he said to me he doesn’t see us in a long term relationship and it’s best if we split up before Christmas, not after. His reasons: I’m too feisty and he’s very laid back. Since we are from different countries, we have different cultures and he says I don’t understand some of the words he says and my sense of humor is a bit different (which he liked before). He said we are not right for each other. I agreed with him and we ‘finished’. Two weeks later he texted me, saying that he should have approached this differently. He asked me if I would give it another go with him and see how it goes. I am willing to do this, but want to make everything right. Since we are at initial dating stages, I wasn’t sure if saying ‘I am keeping my options open with other men’ is a right thing to say? Would appreciate an advice.
    Many thanks,

  379.  #379Rori Raye on January 4, 2011 at 1:48 am

    Love…keeping your options open is always the right thing to talk about. Love, Rori

  380.  #380Love on January 4, 2011 at 2:06 am

    Dear Rori,

    Thank you so much for your response. I know I shouldn’t but I’m so scared to communicate this to him. If he starts seeing other girls as well – I’m going to be devastated, but that should be for the better right? If he’s not that serious about me then why would I want to be with him?

    A while ago we were having a conversation when he said that he doesn’t earn a lot of money, which I don’t really care about. But as a joke I said that in that case I will need to find a sugar daddy to fund our time together. He said to that ‘then you can’t be with me’, which I thought meant he would want me to be exclusive with him.

    What if I say to him that I’m gonna keep my options open till he makes up his mind and he will say that it won’t work for him? Also not sure how exactly to communicate this in order not to sound too rude / abrupt / cold / uninterested? ‘While you making up your mind, I will remain sexually exclusive to you, but I am keeping my options open’. Is this enough? I don’t want him to think that all depends on his decision only. Also not sure whether I should ask him whether there’s any timeframe when he’s thinking of making his decision?

    Reading your newsletters it all sounds so right and encouraging , yet when it comes to communicating – all the courage seems to be disappearing somewhere….

    Thank you so much for your advice, it is very much appreciated.


  381.  #381Brenda on January 4, 2011 at 3:32 am


    Here’s something Rori wrote in the past in case it is of any use to you:

    “Sweetie, somethings bothering me, and I hate to even talk about it, because I feel so good with you…and it’s important to me that we’re just honest with each other and don’t let things get stuffed down…is now a good time to talk?”
    If he says “Yes” – then go with…“Once you said you would never marry again, I’m not sure how you feel about living together…have your feelings changed at all about this? What exactly do you see for us down the road?”
    Now stop and let him talk.
    Next – “I’m asking because I realize I don’t want to be a girlfriend all the rest of my life – even though being your girlfriend feels so great, I’m concerned that after a while, I’ll start to feel insecure and want to feel more solid…I’m just a girl here, and sooner or later, I’ll want more. What do you think?”
    Let him talk. You can always ask him…“I don’t want to be putting pressure on you…do you want me to date other men so that there’s less pressure as we go along?” — Basically this is the “No Girlfriend” speech – but with a lot more “air” and expressiveness and exploration in it – and allowing him to get involved in the discussion.
    Love, Rori

    And I hope you join us on the newest threads. Here is the starting place:


  382.  #382Love on January 4, 2011 at 4:24 am

    Hi Brenda,

    Thank you so much for showing me this post, it’s great! I will have to put together my thoughts and speech.

    I really appreciate your support!

    Best wishes,

  383.  #383Alex on January 11, 2011 at 11:06 am

    Hello ladies, I’m new here. First I want to thank Rori and you all for unknowingly chanelling so much support through the Universe for me in this time of change. I literally read this article and thread from beginning to end and realise it dates quite some months back, but I realise now I am at a stage where I need feedback and support to help me get in touch with my feelings, as I tend to ‘numb out’ when I’m hurt which has caused me to spiral into depression on more than one occasion. I’m beginning to understand what it means when depression is said to be a ‘cover’ cloaking pain and our denial to face that pain.

    Any thoughts or advice that can be offered on the below outline of my situation will be gratefully received. Yes we are all learning and that takes time – I am now looking forward to a life of action, rather than reaction.

    Love and peace to all fellow sirens, and thank you for reading.

    Ok. Brief outline:
    He spent 3 years on/off with me as he kept “leaving” his girlfriend to be with me and then changing his mind at last hurdle. Finally about 5 weeks ago I told him that we should part ways as this pattern HAD to end. He broke down in tears, declared his undying love for me and swore we would NEVER be saying goodbye. He broke up with her and she moved out – finally, two days later (his b’day). We started seeing each other freely in the first couple of weeks, I expressing unsurity and him reassuring me – at first, this was such a big jump from what I had known. Since last week he has said he doesn’t know what he wants anymore (wth?) so I said maybe it’s best we don’t see each other next week if he’s “confused”. He insisted he would call and ask if I would see him. Note – he blew me out on weekend due to some “bad news” he wouldn’t say what. I have my suspicions (re “ex”). Despite their sexless and lifeless partnership I suspect he misses the comfort of her (Mummy figure). He is scared to risk us failing and then having no fall-back, and I think I was quite pushy – putting all my insecurity on him rather than stepping back and taking TIME. Long story short – he hasn’t called or texted since last week when we spoke about this.

    QUESTION: He is used to me caving in and eventually contacting him. I have taken the time to work on myself and have had a few aha moments regarding this whole situation, I realize he is not being good to me. How do you think he will feel when he realizes this time, he is not going to hear from me? He said I was his soul mate, he was physically sick at the thought of losing me once before and went CRAZY jealous when he thought I had moved on with someone else. I guess he may just be burying his head in the sand, avoiding dealing with any of this for now, so he may just be relieved I haven’t tried to contact him. But it’s only been a few days. We’ve never been longer than 2 weeks out of contact. Then he always comes back. But this time, he won’t be hearing from me in between. I’m just curious and have tried to put myself in his shoes but it’s difficult to fully understand. Because even if/when he does come back this time, things with me will have changed completely – I’m not into this type of emotional baggage thing anymore! Advice and answers most welcome, thank you.

    I should also add that he ALWAYS misses me in the end, and has ALWAYS come back. This is a man who NEVER changes and doubt he ever will (he is 41) – the difference now is that I have finally changed my perspective, only he (as yet) doesn’t realize it.

    As soon as I announced we should perhaps leave next week he sounded like his ears pricked and immediately asked ‘why’, and then I also announced my plans to go travelling indefinitely, which he also sounded ‘concerned’ about – last week I came clean and told him I’m just not feeling happy at the moment with life in general, and although the timing of it wasn’t great in that he had just said he was ‘confused’ (ie – “flame out”), he likes to think he will ‘always be my friend’ – (yeah right!) – and he spent a while on the phone listening to me basically breaking down the walls I had built up about how ‘happy’ I was.

    Later that afternoon I called back to thank him for listening to me and thanking him for his honesty in telling me he wasn’t sure what he wanted, and (even though I don’t believe it has ‘nothing’ to do with said ex) I took his word and thanked him for being honest, as that was the best thing. That is when I suggested perhaps not to see each other this week, and that is when he insisted he would call to see if I still would like to see him. It is now Tuesday since the Thursday we spoke and the Saturday he blew me out and I have not heard a thing.

  384.  #384Rori Raye on January 12, 2011 at 8:47 pm

    Alex, Welcome and it sounds like you’re doing great…Just keep focusing on how you’re feeling and if he’s meeting your needs – so you can stop asking for anything – and just see what’s coming at you…Love, Rori

  385.  #385Love on January 18, 2011 at 8:19 am


    I’m getting more and more confused and really need some advice and support.

    I wrote earlier that the guy I was seeing broke up with me after 2 intense months. He got back in touch with me 2 weeks later (a week before Christmas) saying he made a rush decision. He asked if I would give us another go. We were in touch for entire week (texting every day, always his initiative) while he was away. He wanted to meet on the New Year’s day. So we did and I started the conversation “what about the qualities he didn’t like in me?” – but I haven’t finished. I haven’t asked for the reasons he decided to ‘try it with me again’.

    It’s been now 3 weeks, we exchange texts every single day, but still had no ‘talk’ for me to clarify things. I think one of the mistakes I made – having sex with him right away, the day we met. By now we spent 3 Fridays together (2 of them went out with his younger brother and numerous girls he’s seeing) hence had no chance for a private conversation. I said to him that we still need to talk and he promised we will do this. He’s searching for a new job as well so I am confused whether this is a good time at all. Also I am thinking of telling him that I do not want to have sex with him, till he makes up his mind whether he wants to be with me or not. However I am getting a bit confused within myself with all the relationship advice that is out there. Whether to tell him I wont have any sex at all OR say that I will remain exclusive with him, but will date other men. Please help…

    Biggest thank you ever,

  386.  #386Love on January 18, 2011 at 8:46 am

    Small amendment to the above post: when i said i had sex with him right away, i mean the New Year;s day we met, not when we first started dating.

    Thank you so much,

  387.  #387Femininewoman on January 18, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    Love see how you feel about the situation. Having sex with a man hormonally hooks you to him which actually prevents your brain from making rational decisions. Do you want to get hooked to someone before they give you something concrete? What if he backs off again? How intense can a man really be without knowing the real you? Are you sure he was not just horny?

  388.  #388Tiffany on April 3, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    Hi All

    I feel like I have the opposite problem now to the first destructive ones I started with. I was doing everything wrongly, but that was years ago now. All that I read and all that I practised changed all that.

    Now though, I am continually dating really nice guys and having a ball. I have had more dates in the last two years that I have had in my life! (I am 47 years old.)

    The problem is I enjoy my life just like it is! My friends and daughters think I should be looking for someone ‘permanent’.

    Somehow, society doesn’t accept a more mature women going out with a number of men. I don’t ask who else each guy is going out with, and I never conceal that I have other dates…..

    I have wonderful dinners out and visits to all variety of events and attractions. I never feel let down or emotional. I never expect more than I get (and accordingly, often get more than I ever expect) and have never been happier.

    But while there are no emotional lows, there are no highs either. Am I now the commitment-phobe my previous relationship ‘partners’ have been in the past?

  389.  #389Orna Walters on April 4, 2011 at 9:51 am


    The question is not whether or not you are “commitment phobic” its “Are you pursuing your True Heart’s Desire?”

    What we tend to do is go after what we believe we can have. This often times has us going after something that is created out of our limitations rather then our true desires.

    Take time to tap into Source (however you do that), if that’s going to church/temple, being in nature, meditating, whatever it is for you – then in the quiet stillness ask yourself “What do I REALLY want?”

    The place to create a true soul partnership is not with our brain – our brains are committed to homeostasis (keeping things the same) just like every organ in our body. In order to TRANSFORM we must tap into our higher wisdom.

    There is no wrong answer for what you truly desire. Its up to you to access that part of you and then simply GO FOR IT!

    Love and Abundance,

  390.  #390Karen on June 12, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    I have a question that I have asked on various posts but haven’t heard back about it. What if you are the one who is always “flaming out”? I have been using all of Rori’s techniques for a year. It really works- the nice/good guys I meet fall for me but they don’t play it cool at all. I am the one who consistently gets cold feet. I want to let a good guy in and feel an attraction back. I know this is the kind of relationship we are all searching for. However, when the do chase and do all of the things we say we want- I end up getting scared and seeing all of their flaws. How do I get out of this pattern. I have been dating a great guy for 2 months. I feel extremely secure in how he feels about me- I’m just not sure anymore how I feel and I don’t want it to go sour this time by me running scared- any advice would be much appreciated 🙂

  391.  #391tinque on June 12, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    Sounds to me Karen as though you have some deep seated fears around getting too close, intimate with someone. Do you fear they will leave, hurt you, tear your heart to pieces, die?

    Finding flaws is a great way to keep love at bay.

    I suggest some deep soul and heart searching, and bit by bit letting these fears, go, taking a chance, a risk.


  392.  #392Orna Walters on June 12, 2011 at 5:00 pm


    This sounds like the masculine energy of rejecting someone before they have the chance to reject you. (The feminine energy side is twisting into a pretzel to get love.)

    I suggest connecting to Source (however you do that) and ask yourself what is really coming up for you?

    What are the feelings that you are protecting yourself from?

    There are six core negative emotions: Anger, Sadness, Shame, Hurt, Fear and Guilt.

    Once you can identify which of these negative emotions you are attempting to avoid, you can move THROUGH the emotion to transform it.

    Honestly, it is best if you can work with a practitioner to guide you as it is difficult to have a fresh perspective from inside the fish bowl.

    The KEY for you is to congratulate yourself on noticing your PATTERN. Now dig deeper to discover the emotion that you are attempting to avoid.

    Love and Abundance,

  393.  #393Karen on June 13, 2011 at 5:20 am

    Thank you so much for your responses. Everything that you are saying makes a lot of sense. I need to take some quiet moments and determine if the problem is that it is not the right person or if I have a fear of commitment.

  394.  #394Argent on July 12, 2011 at 11:04 am

    So after reading the first blog post and as many of the replies as I could (and still get some work done) I feel I want to write about my situation. I just ordered Rori’s CDs and read the e-book. Tons of good info in the e-book and I sat here and did ALL the exercises. Illuminating, to say the least. Can’t wait to get the CDs.

    Here’s where I am and anyone who wants to chime in, please do:

    I was on a dating site where I knew I’d dumped my profile. Their server burped or whatever, and one day a flood of emails came in from various men. I wasn’t interested in dating anyone because I’d spent approximately 10 months going inward and figuring out why I always chose the wrong men. So I highlighted all the emails and clicked delete. Or so I thought.

    There was one left. One. I looked at it, almost deleted it, but something stopped me. This was May 10. I read the email. It was lovely, intelligent, and obviously written by a man who had actually READ my profile. So I checked him out. I waited two days to reply and when I did, I said “thank you so much for replying but I’m just not dating right now.” He replied that he’d love to meet me – that he was very interested in me based on my profile (he was the first man who did NOT comment on my photos!). I replied with “no thank you” again. He persisted, and before I knew it we were in a lively email conversation.

    Two weeks passed. I couldn’t wait to hear from him. He couldn’t wait to hear from me. Then he wanted to take it to the phone. I felt this would be okay, so I called him. We spent 3 hours on the phone the first night and from May 28 until June 4, not a day went by without talking. He asked to meet me for coffee on June 5. I said yes. Then…two hours after agreeing to it, I chickened out and asked for more time. I now know I was projecting every hurt every man had ever done to me on this poor guy. “More time” was another week. Yeah, like a week was going to make a difference in MY nerves? Please. But he agreed to wait. He said he understood.

    We met for coffee and it was instantaneous . We were each other’s long-lost pair of favorite shoes, suddenly found, and when tried on, fit better than before. The comfort level was extraordinary. We spent 2 hours over coffee and then he had to take his son to his therapy appointment. On the way, he called to tell me what a lovely time he’d had and how comfortable he was and asked me out to dinner at an amazing restaurant for the weekend.

    I agreed. We both couldn’t wait. He picked me up at my house, we went to the restaurant, and spent 2 hours over Korean food where he taught me how to eat various things that I’d never eaten. It was amazing. He was a total gentleman, no inappropriate touching. We took a drive through the city in his convertible, since it was a lovely night and he showed me where he worked. He brought me home and we spent another 90 minutes talking on the patio. He left, and didn’t attempt to kiss me- simply hugged me good bye like he didn’t want to let go.

    Scheduling conflicts on both ends got in the way, but we finally had another date – he invited me to his house (and we’d been in contact daily, via phone or email), introduced me to his custodial son, cooked dinner for all three of us and then we sat outside and talked for hours until dark when his son came out to set off fireworks. The entire time he was affectionate, but not inappropriately so. He’d walk past me and stroke my arm, he’d catch my eye, hold a gaze for a split second and look away, and whenever he was close he would find a way to touch me in some way. While outside, he was sitting next to me, holding hands, leaning in to talk, touching me, and it seemed as natural as breathing. It was wonderful.

    Each time he’d see me, he’d tell me how wonderful I look. I’m a jeweler, and I’d wear some new piece each time and he’d get up close with it to examine it – he’s a musician, his mother was a renowned artist and his sister is artistic, so he appreciates art.

    That night, he kissed me good night. Not a clinch, but it wasn’t anything hidden – just a quick kiss goodnight at my car – neighbors were out and saw it, his son was watching from his bedroom window (I saw him, lol).

    I called as he requested, when I got home and he said: I miss you already. Well, I missed him too. Already.

    So, two days pass and I don’t hear from him. I’m feeling those angry, fearful feelings. Then, just as I’m feeling I’m going to walk away from this, I get a voice mail that says: “I have a message for you and it is this: You create beauty because you ARE beauty.”

    Okay – how many of you wouldn’t have heart palpitations over that??? I was in defense mode by this point so I called back, and laughingly said, “if that was a line, it was very good!” He replied: “it wasn’t a line. I was listening to some beautiful music and looking at a photo I’d taken of you and I realized you create beauty wherever you go because you ARE beauty.” Yes, ladies, I was rendered speechless. Totally. And then he softly said: “I can’t wait to see you again, good night.”

    Dumbstruck. Me. Yep. Oh, and just to add to this – after our second date, I’d mentioned how much I appreciated that he did NOT engage in inappropriate touching. Most men do that with me and I have to fight them off. He replied: “I see long term potential with you and because of that I am taking this slowly.” Okay. Fine by me. Keep that statement in mind.

    Fourth date: His house, him cooking, touching, hugging, we played cards with his son, I watched how he interacted with his son, we went for a drive to be alone (his son is 15) and we were only gone for 15 minutes. We’re both “sneak” smokers, so we went some place where we could enjoy a smoke without his son seeing us. We won’t smoke around his son.

    We come back to his house, and sexual tension is palpable. I said it was getting late and I knew he had to go to work, so I should be heading home. He walked me to my car, and kissed me twice. A third time and we’d have been in a clinch and so I gently pushed away. I’m not quite ready for that yet, and I don’t think he is, either, regardless what our bodies say.

    I called when I got back and again he said: “I miss you already.” Sigh.

    So where’s the fly in the ointment?

    Sunday evening (I’d heard little from him since Thursday) he called after I emailed. I’d sent an email that clearly communicated how I felt, that I was becoming emotionally attached and that I was having difficulty with the fact that his profiles were still open, given the fact that he stated he wanted to take this slowly because he saw long-term potential in me.

    He called me immediately upon reading the email and we talked. He said (and this is paraphrased): “I have a history of jumping in just because something seems to be working. So do you – we talked about this. I have emotions for you, too, and I want to see more of you. I have a great respect for you, for your artistry and the sheer beauty you bring and the beauty you are.” There’s a but coming, can you feel it?

    “But I promised myself I’d do it right this time. (he had a horrible marriage and then got in a 4 year relationship with a woman he KNEW wasn’t going to accept his son when he finally got custody, and she dumped him immediately upon his receipt of custody. He’s been out of that relationship for 2 years, dedicating himself to his son.) He continued: “While I know I want a long term relationship and that’s ALL I want, I’m not ready yet to engage in one, and I feel your frustration that I treat you more as a friend. I’ve met other women and while I don’t like dating because that’s not what I’m looking for, I feel like I need to do it to make sure I do this right” Um – well – gee. I’m not sure about him, but I don’t go around being touchy feely and kissing my male FRIENDS. That’s reserved for the man I love. And I think I love this man.

    I haven’t heard from him since that conversation on Sunday. My tack? I’m leaving him alone. If he calls and wants to see me, I will be there and gladly see him, but I don’t know that I should allow the touchy/feely/kissy if he’s treating me “more as a friend.” I’m torn on that aspect of it. Sure I want it, but I don’t want to do it with the knowledge he may be doing it with other women.

    I’m also going to be dating other men. I don’t want to, but I’m going to.

    Does anyone have a clue where this man is? Does he have a clue? Is he so afraid of what he felt for me that he’s backing away from it because he thought it might be just another of his “mistakes?”

    How do I handle this? HELPPPPPP MEEEEEE! 🙂

  395.  #395Argent on July 12, 2011 at 11:30 am

    In a nutshell, he “sees long-term relationship potential” with us, yet he’s not going to focus on that – instead he’s going to continue dating other women, thus muddying waters? I suppose this is a defense mechanism, and I suppose it fits his criteria for “doing things right” and the best case scenario is that in dating these other women, he’ll figure out that the woman he wants is me. Or not.

    I’m nor very good when men crawl back in their caves and I actually dumped ALL three of my dating profiles because I didn’t want to go online and see him there in “online now!” status. I will open one at another site where I don’t think he has one, but something that truly bothered me is that his third profile was opened this week, at OK Cupid, and it was opened directly after I mentioned that I had a profile there.

    I’d felt fairly confident in being on OKC – I had a blog-style profile and while I wasn’t dating from there – wasn’t dating ANYONE while seeing this man, I would add to my blog from time-to-time. I’d searched for him there several times after we met because seeing him on TWO of the sites I was on was more than enough. I was relieved. Then I let it slip during a conversation on Thursday that I actually liked OKC because there seemed to be a lot more interesting people there and POOF! He’s there, like magic, showing up in my quiver matches.

    I felt like I wanted to shower. I didn’t like it at all. I want to tell him this, but am not sure how. It’s a free site, and a free country. I could block him, I suppose. Last night I disabled my profile because I just wasn’t sure what to do.

    I’m disillusioned with this man, but I care deeply for him. I feel a little led-on, okay, a LOT led-on, and I don’t know if he’s a fence-straddler, or what. I have a hard time believing he’d have me around his special-needs son, not once, but TWICE, thus allowing said son to form an attachment, and then keep trolling. But I don’t really know. He doesn’t SEEM the type, but we can never really know what’s in another’s mind, can we?

    My gut says he’ll be back. My gut also says to leave him alone, and just take care of me. My gut also says that when he does come back we need to discuss boundaries and realities.

    I’m rather confused at this moment.

  396.  #396Katarina Phang on July 12, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    Argent, you need to relax a bit, girl. 🙂 You sound very compulsive in your approach to this. Take dating lightly and don’t settle on the first guy you meet. So he’s doing the right thing of wanting to do this right and shop around a little bit and so SHOULD you.

    You have just had 4 dates, a long way to go. Hold your expectations in check and meanwhile see others. It’s a must for your own sanity.

  397.  #397Katarina Phang on July 12, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    I would in fact encourage freshly divorced men to see other women and have their transitional relationships before going back to me. You don’t want to be one of their transitional relationships (unless you don’t have much expectation to begin with).

    I’ve been dating a guy the past 2 months whose divorce has just been finalized a few weeks ago. He’s been pulling away the last 2 weeks and I leave him alone. He’s confused, and still hurting and the last time I talked he saw a therapist. Obviously he’s not in the right place right now and I have zero expectation. I just enjoy spending time with him.

    I’ll be happy if he’s somewhat serious with another woman right now (though I know he can’t). I like him so much that it’ll work better for us if he goes for his transitional relationships somewhere else and get back to me when he’s completely healed.

    See things from the bright side! Things will happen in its own time. Don’t force it. Have faith in it.

  398.  #398Argent on July 12, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    Hi Katarina! Thank you for the good advice. I’m certain I sounded a bit compulsive, and that’s something I need to work on. The man in question has been divorced for more than 6 years and out of his last relationship for 2 years, and HAS dated other women during the interim. Not a ton, but some. So I’m not his rebound, or so it would seem. Still, I need to just practice some patience. You made a very good statement – it HAS only been 4 dates, and while they were all very GOOD dates, there hasn’t been enough time for us to know whether we truly DO mesh the way we think we do.

    Between the writing of my prior posts and this one, I talked to MY therapist and his comment was that there could be any number of reasons he appears to be pulling back and they may have nothing to do with me, so essentially “sit down, shut up and be patient.” Oh, and date.

    I actually have a date set up for Saturday with another guy. I’ve always functioned under the assumption that when you meet the man who you believe is the best man for you, that you should focus on that. I’m thinking I need to relearn a few things – and that when I meet the man I believe is the best man for me, I need to just take it easy and date other guys. Dating isn’t committing, it’s just dating, it’s meeting new people and hopefully having fun. It will also tell me things I need to know about myself and, perhaps, about Mr. Special.

    He IS special. And I’m a Highly Sensitive Person (google HSP test) which makes life a bit harder for me because I pick up on things about people that they don’t even know they’re feeling yet. That totally sucks.

    Your advice is good. It’s very sound and you sound like a totally strong, with-it and very self-aware woman, Katarina! Thank you!

  399.  #399Katarina Phang on July 12, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    Argent, my pleasure.

    He may not be on a rebound but he’s cautious and he’s rightly so. He might be on a rebound from his last relationship from 2 years ago (guys can take longer to heal). And transitional relationships can take more than a few. It all depends on where he is emotionally.

    In this Rori world we do it the counter-intuitive ways. In fact just when you feel you’re falling for a guy -and not knowing where he stands- that is when we need to intensify our CDing, not -hell no- focusing on him.

    Whatever he does or doesn’t do has nothing to do with you. You want a guy who thinks the world of you anyway. If he’s easily turned off, obviously he’s not the one. Just affirm yourself everyday that you are desirable and a gift to any man who deserves you. And focus on you (dating around help you do that).

    Good luck and enjoy the journey, without it you will never get to the destination.

  400.  #400Argent on July 12, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    Katarina, it truly IS a journey. I need to put a big sign all over my walls that says: “Counter-Intuitive.”

    This guy says he thinks the world of me, etc. etc. That’s cool. I’m glad, but I’m not waiting around for him.

    I’ll just see what life has to bring. I need to send my affirmations out to the universe.

    And you’re right. I AM a gift to any man who deserves me.

    Thanks again!

  401.  #401Argent on July 14, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    Okay, now my dilemma, since I’m trying to do this thing right and be counterintuitive. When Mr. Man and I met, he was all over me in phone, email, couldn’t wait to see me, etc. I was usually always available by phone. I explained the entire over-thought situation in a post above.

    So. I hear from him Saturday, and then on Monday he called after work to talk about something that had happened over the weekend. He seemed to need to unload, so I let him – for 40 minutes. Just listened as he talked. When I answered, though, he said “you’re always home.” Well yes, I am home a lot because I work from home. He knows that. I explained that if my phone rings, and I’m in a situation where I can answer it and I recognize the caller, I’ll answer. (usually…)

    Tuesday, I emailed him once, because I needed some info. No reply. So today, (ticked off because that’s my MO, and I’m trying to change it and go with the flow!), I was silent. No email, no phone calls. It’s very unusual that he doesn’t get some sort of communication from me, but today, nothing. He doesn’t text, so that’s out, and I don’t really like texting either.

    I’m a volunteer for a local concert venue and on my way, he called. I missed the call. He left a message, which basically said “hey it’s me, I’m doing thus and such…” and then proceeded to give me the rest of his plans for the evening.

    His tone was sheer puzzlement that I hadn’t answered my phone – throughout his entire message I could hear it – “wow, you’re not there and I want to talk!”

    He ended with “Okay, well, I hope you’re doing okay and, well, I’ll talk to you soon. See ya.”

    I’m not sure what the right thing is in this situation. My upbringing tells me “return his call, it’s polite.” My counter-intuition tells me to just wait another day and then if he calls, answer and when he tells me he called and left a message (translation: “I called and you didn’t answer, so where were you?”) to just say: “I was out Wednesday evening, and I’ve been extremely busy ever since. I’m sorry I missed your call.”

    I also know he’ll ask what I was doing, because that’s just what he does. When he calls me, he’ll give me the entire rundown of everything he’s done in the time since we last spoke. I also tend to believe that if he says “…and I went thus and such a place with friends” that it could be his way of saying “I had a date.” Shrug. Okay.

    So, my plan is simply to say “I was at a concert, and have been very busy with work.”

    My question is, should I return his call or not? Shoot, I feel like an infant here. Do I keep him waiting another day or just call him back tomorrow when I know he’s off work?

    We’re not committed, but I WANT this man to commit at some point, so I think the thing to do is BE unavailable and let him wonder a bit – let him see that I have a life outside of him and that I’m living it and not waiting around for him.

    Advice anyone?

  402.  #402Argent on July 15, 2011 at 8:06 am

    HAHAHA! So I made my own decision after having another voice mail on my phone this morning. I shot him a short email that said: “Sorry I missed your call last night. Was at a concert and didn’t get home until after midnight.”

    His reply: “What concert? Who went?”

    He had been invited to this concert a week ago. He never replied, so I didn’t re-issue the invitation. And I’m damned if I’m going to tell him I went alone. I simply replied with a link to the concert and said:

    “You were invited, but I didn’t hear back from you. It was great!”

  403.  #403Echo on September 25, 2011 at 9:07 am

    Hey Sirens,

    Just this week I discovered Rori Raye’s eBook and am very interested in putting it into action. I am at a point in my life where my career is in line and I am generally very happy with where my life is. Of course, the one thing missing is the guy.

    Earlier this year, I broke it off with my boyfriend of nearly three years. It was hard and scary, but I had this realization moment where it occurred to me that, despite all of his “future speak”, all of his reassurance that I was “the ONE”, he was not ready to get married and I was. I realized that the way I felt about him was largely a reflection of the way I perceived his feelings for me, and those perceptions were inaccurate.

    It took me months to feel ready to even consider dating anyone. Finally, I felt ready, and decided to try online dating.

    This story could get really long, but, basically, among the guys I met online, was Philosophy guy. At first, I thought we could just be friends, but then, it became physical and every aspect of that was fantastic, best ever. He was always up front with the fact that he was moving out of the area, but wanted to get to know me. To me, it seemed like it would be a really great fling.

    Before he moved, we talked about staying in touch. He was adamant that he still wanted to talk, etc. He left me this amazing note, that he wouldn’t let me read until he had left, about all the things he’d miss doing with me, about how much he’d miss me. I was moved. I couldn’t help but feel we had a real connection, that though we’d be far apart for the next year, we could stay in touch and see what happened.

    So I did stay in touch, but noticed that he responded slowly to email, that I called him (I know, bad choice). He called me some, he wasn’t ignoring me, but I sensed he was distancing. He said his new job was crazy, etc.

    I suggested a few things we could do together (he doesn’t live impossibly far to drive for a weekend, probably 4.5 hours, and there’s a major city in between us). He was busy, etc., but said he would like to see me.

    Finally, I called him and told him that if he wanted to get together, he would have to plan. Now, I wish I had phrased it all differently. I don’t think I was attacking, but I don’t know if I was enticing. I know now it would have been better to say, “When I am around you I feel really good, I miss seeing you and it would feel really great to see you again. I feel like you are distancing yourself, what do you think we should do?”

    Anyway, it’s been a week, and I’ve really tried to reconcile myself to the idea that if he calls, great, if not, oh well, his loss. It is hard to feel that way. Since he left, and really even when he was here, I have been dating other men, casually, along the lines of CDing (though I didn’t do it intentionally as CDing). I am not into any of them, but am trying to stay hopeful and positive.

    I guess what I am wanting is advice. If he DOES call and DOES want to get together, what are some things I could do to re-up his interest, even at this distance. I know I should not dwell. I am putting myself out there, but I don’t want to throw him away if he really is interested.


  404.  #404tinque on September 26, 2011 at 10:16 am

    Echo – The best you things you can do are not to lean forward i.e. no calling/texting first and filling your life up and not just with work. Hobbies, new/old interests, friends, family.

    You don’t want to focus on him as much as possible. If he comes back, he comes back. You have no control over this, BUT your best possible chance is taking care of YOU, loving YOU.

    CD yourself if dating others feels daunting right now.

    And keep reading, archived articles here, your e-book, my articles and e-book will also help you greatly which you can access by clicking on my name.

    I am a good, long time friend of Rori’s, so no need to worry I may be treading on her toes here.


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