Healing Rage

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Thank you all, so much for your comments, and I noticed a theme here. About RAGE.

Here’s how I want you to frame this Rage thing in your mind: I don’t want you going back in your life, re-imagining, trying to connect your Rage up with some event or events.

That’s the way some therapy proceeds – and I don’t think it works all that well. I think trying to heal yourself that way can actually result in MORE trauma – more resistance, more energy mobilized as the wound is reopened, rather than soothed.

Rage can come out of traumatic events that you actually can’t recall without some effort – and though some folks say the recalling of those events contributes to healing – it has to be done the right way.

Trauma is all about being helpless – actually helpless.  You may have tried to fight or flee, but you simply were not actually able to.  This resulted in a FREEZING response – which is what’s going on for each of us to some degree.

All your feelings at that moment froze into the cells of your body – and every time anything triggers you – the frozen emotions and the NEED to STOP them from unfreezing becomes overwhelming.

The Rage, then, is only the life force that was trying to free you from being helpless.  And it’s STILL trying to free you.

That means – the Rage can be healed WITHOUT being connected literally to the event.  It can be healed every single time it gets triggered. Bit by bit. Rage is your friend, your ally – not your enemy.

And this is what you’re doing when you choose to FEEL the Rage.

You don’t have to DO anything with it – you just have to feel what you can of it, and then feel the back and forth feelings that will happen around it – the feelings that the RAGE triggers.

This is how and why the RIFF works so brilliantly to shift things.  You are ALLOWING that back-and-forth, fight and flight and freeze impulses to flow through you and be acknowledged.

Just doing this slowly unfreezes you.

So – don’t try to find the SOURCE of your rage – instead, FEEL how it plays out in your life, and when it comes up – sink into it.

Feel how the emotions move around – and especially notice when you blank out, numb out, or feel your emotions freezing.  This is your clue that you’re getting close to even more frightening feelings.

If you just keep doing this, and acknowledging and loving all the stuff that comes up – you’ll slowly unfreeze.

You are slowly making the unknown known inside you – your energy field will shift.

You’ll stop ACTING OUT – DOING something to prevent the feelings from coming up.

You’ll stop being angry at a man who’s just being himself – but who triggered your feelings of helplessness.

Right now – you are NOT helpless.  It just feels like it.  And the Rage comes up around it

Explore and experiment and see if you can discover a pattern for yourself – and rejoice!

This is a great adventure – healing yourself, and you can do it.  Slowly and surely – gently, kindly, easily, step-by-step, no pressure, all discovery.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1alias girl on January 13, 2009 at 10:43 pm

    i feel a little resistant to this post. (understandably) when i first started riffing i felt scared of the rage feelings that came up bc they were like i feel like killing someone and i judged myself. but then i realized it was just a feeling. i also feel at different moments: like flying, being a porn star, telling my boss off, getting married on a whim, getting more tattoos, getting hair extentions, and eating meat. non of these things are likely to happen. i mean they might but if they did it would be bc i made the decision to do them. not bc i am acting out as rori points out. i mean i might kill someone but that would be a decision and not some unprocessed, unhealed, repressed urge that came over me and made me lose control. ok i’m not perfect so that could potentially happen as well but i don’t forsee it. though i suppose not many people really do forsee such things in their future.

    ah my longwinded point is that once i actually allowed myself to feel the rage i was able to watch it dissolve and riffit out. i didn’t need to pretend it didn’t exist. i didn’t need to stuff it back down. i could just sit there and type while energy coursed through my body and just let it be. hi rage. wow you are intense. i would be too if somebody f’ed me over that way. i love you.

  2.  #2alias girl on January 13, 2009 at 11:59 pm

    hah hah that’s funny. i clicked over here and i saw it had one comment and i was like cool. but it was mine. i thought it got deleted bc it did that thing it does when it deletes it. my cell phone has a mind of it’s own. (a very strong willed one too i might add.) anyway. i want to be unfrozen i want all my frozen cells thawed out. i want freedom. i want power and energy. i want to wake up invigorated.

    i want to be soft and delicious and fun and exciting and compassionate and daring and graceful and womanly and beautiful.

    i want all my cells to unfreeze and know they are safe now.

  3.  #3heartbeat on January 13, 2009 at 11:59 pm

    I feel inspired by this post, Rori. You’ve helped me gain some clarity and affirm my approach in NOT NECESSARILY going into the past (i.e. following the client’s in-the-moment process rather than the therapist’s agenda) so I feel supported both personally and professionally.

    I feel like drawing my rage. I feel like riffing and drawing. I’m pulled to get ready for work now and I’m excited at the prospect of coming home later to riff and draw.

    I have clients draw their feelings and sometimes then, looking at the images afterwards, stories come out, but it’s from a different place than if we’d gone searching in a ‘head’ way – like “oh yeah I wash my hands 50 times a day because…” etc, which doesn’t heal, it just reinforces the connection.

    Rori thank you – you’re fabulous!

  4.  #4heartbeat on January 14, 2009 at 12:02 am

    Alias Girl – you sound hot hot HOT!! 🙂

  5.  #5alias girl on January 14, 2009 at 12:08 am

    I FEEL LIKE POSTING AGAIN! ah i’ve got nothin.

    i feel amused at reshi’s word blargh. (last post’s comments).

    i feel triggered when reading her relationship to her husband. it reminds me of how i stay in my job with my caveman troll boss. but i feel triumphant over that whole situation and feel confident it is just a SHORT amount of time before my world rearranges it self into a really safe, supportive, fulfilling, creative, compatible, lucrative, successful new work venture for me. i feel very excited to experience it. i feel very grateful reshi also will get to experience the other side. the side called i love myself can’t you tell by looking at my world how much i adore myself?

  6.  #6alias girl on January 14, 2009 at 12:30 am

    hah thanks heartbeat. 🙂 i feel inflated!

    i actually also feel a little scared in this moment. like i just revealed too much of myself. it seems so ridiculous that i can not just be who i am without fear of people knowing me.i am just me. that is just the way it is. why the fear? i feel better now. i feel like i am cold though. that shaking in my stomach. that not wanting to move. OOOOOOHHHH. it’s that frozen syndrome again. of cool interesting it’s happening right now. wow that’s synchronicity. ok. i feel a trembling in my stomach. i feel like my whole forehaed just collapsed into itself. i feel tears welling up in my eyes.i feel like i DON’t want to move. if i keep typing i will be spared whatever awful fate i fear. i feel a constricted throat. i feel energy in my body. i feel like i don’t want to move. i feel like if i could retreat into an ivisible bubble of nothing i would. i feel a frowny face. i feel my hearbeating but it feels like it wants to stop. i want to turn invisible. i feel confused. i feel angry. i feel really really angry. what is that trembling in my stomach? it feels uncomfortable. it feelss like stress. i feel like i do when someone gets close to me intimacy wise. i feel like erasing this post. hah i feel like i don’t have a choice. my cell phone won’t always erase it when i want to but will delete it when i don’t want to. my cell phone is possessed. like stephen kings car. hahah. i feel sexually aroused in my vagina (?) i feel scared.

    fear. get thee behind me. i am brave. i am healthy. i am love. i am whole. i am calm. i am soothed. i feel better. i am love. i am wondrous. i am awakening. i am joy. i am warmth. i am whole.

  7.  #7heartbeat on January 14, 2009 at 12:46 am

    I feel scared too AG. I feel exposed because I mentioned my work. I’m worried I’ll be judged “what’s SHE doing on here, she’s just using the site for her own benefit”. I feel tingly in my stomach, I feel myself shrinking. Like I’m looking over my shoulder, my eyes feel strained, my neck feels burnt. I feel like curling up. I feel like curling up, I feel like a hard ball that can knock ’em over. I feel angry, like a big yelling mouth. With little running legs. Now I feel like laughing, that’s so funny! Now I feel like I just popped out of my bowling ball shape back into myself. I feel embarrassed. I feel like stretching, I feel wobbly. I love my wobbliness, I want to cry and look after me.

  8.  #8Caj13 on January 14, 2009 at 5:41 am

    I loved this post, it feels helpful for dissolving the resistance, warming the feeling fires to thaw my Ice Queen. I wondered whether to put capitals on her, cuz she’s a baddy, but Yes cuz she’s me and if she’s worth melting/mellowing, she’s worth Caps. That feels silly, and jiggly laughter will heat things up faster, like little whatevers racing around inside atoms.

    I loved Alias Girl’s ‘supposed slip’ Greatful/Grateful. AG, or should I say AGG now, you are so Full of Greatness AND Overflowing with Gratitude. And Reshi’s inner epic – that, along with your other fabulous sagas, would make a good addition to the book/exhibition (The Feminine Heart) I mentioned. Siren Creators – keep all your poems, stories, songs, drawings.

  9.  #9Caj13 on January 14, 2009 at 6:31 am

    I loved this post and related to it, it feels helpful for dissolving the resistance, warming the feeling fires that will thaw my Ice Queen. I wondered whether to put capitals on her, cuz she’s a baddy, but Yes cuz she’s me and if she’s worth melting/mellowing, she’s worth Caps. That feels silly, and jiggly laughter will heat things up faster, like little whatevers racing around inside atoms.

    I loved Alias Girl’s ‘supposed slip’ Greatful/Grateful. AG, or should I say AGG now, you are so Full of Greatness AND Overflowing with Gratitude! And Reshi’s inner epic – that, along with your other fabulous sagas, would make a good addition to the book/exhibition (The Feminine Heart) I mentioned. Creative Sirens (that means Everyone on here) – keep all your fantastic poems, stories, riffs, songs, drawings – they will be precious reminders (imaged nutshells) of our process, and maybe something will come of this project (or another you’ll come up with). Yay to Cassandra and Daria for reaping the fruits of their creative labors of feeling messages and riffs.

    It was on another post, but this one reminds me of that situation: I really felt for TW when her Love Interest didn’t make it to her ceremony, and expressed his worry that she would be angry, and gave a seemingly valid excuse, but did he really apologize or address her disapointment? Devastated even though expecting such a development, she told him she felt sad, but didn’t take the bait about being angry, even though I’m sure she does feel some anger, too (anyone would, even rage-resistant me). Anyway, I put it that way, about baiting her (not to criticize him at all) because I feel that was a ploy, albeit probably unconscious on his part, to deflect dealing with the hurt he knew he caused her. Why? -Cuz it would feel so much better to Him if she Were mad, then he could feel unjustly accused and get mad back, or “justifiably” withdraw from her for awhile, rather than feel his own bad feelings about letting her down (and thus admit to being wrong and try to make amends). But we feel what We feel, not what someone else wants to assign to us. And I feel we often get trapped by this kind of turn-around, and wind up taking care of Him while our issues are cleverly ignored – reassuring Him that we didn’t feel what he feared we did, No longer daring to show what we really did feel for fear of aggravating his distress – in short, making excuses for him and stuffing down our real reaction. What do you think?

    If I remember correctly, TW didn’t express any angry feelings to her LI at that time. But had she wanted to, how could this be done effectively and without damage? Saying it in words directly to the objet of our ire seems pretty hard, not to mention scarier than heck. I mean exact words, or body language or tips on voice tone (so important, and SO hard to control). Anyone have some examples where they felt they got their anger through (both message delivered and relationship melt-down avoided) ?

  10.  #10Tracy on January 14, 2009 at 8:14 am

    i love all these posts.I feel so much love for all of you ladies…Rori the post is great…I ve been trying the circular dating and i feel fantastic not even because of the new guyz i am meeting but because of the new person i have become.It feels great not to be hang up on my past,i feel fantastic i feel happy i feel scared that i am too happy that i should not be…………
    i feel tension in my heart i feel tired,i feel relaxed…
    i feel like my life has just began and am finally enjoying myself,finding myself and this new me feels great….
    I feel angry about all those guyz in my past,i want to feel okay with my past i want to feel that the guyz were just a stepping stone.i want to be free…it feels great to be free…
    i want to feel loved and cherished by a good man i want feel love for myself and for life..
    i love this blog and all you ladies….all your posts are fantastic.and cassandra i am so happy for you……..i have read all your posts fro the beginning and i feel so happy to see how the story has changed over time and how you are so happy right now.Its simply amaizing…….

  11.  #11Reshi on January 14, 2009 at 9:20 am

    Well, for now I can feel tiny bits of rage rise to the surface and thaw out. Just tiny bits, tense shoulders, tense body, etc, and I then have to will myself to relax and feel whatever it is that I’m trying to push away, and then when I feel it it’s instantly gone.

    Last night I dreamed that I ran into my college ex-boyfriend on an airplane and he changed his hairstyle and magically became attractive–then welcomed me into his arms and massaged and petted me a bit. I told him not to pet my head because that was what my ex-husband used to do and I didn’t want to think of him, and my ex-boyfriend was just as compassionate and respectful as could be. I feel powerful, being able to take people into my dreams and make them the way they SHOULD be. I can’t wait to see who else shows up there. If I can do it in my dreams it’s only a short step to being able to do it in life.

  12.  #12heartbeat on January 14, 2009 at 2:24 pm

    Caj13 – hi! I’ve said “I feel angry”. That’s been ok, and true. The situation was tense and uncomfortable but I stepped on the rollercoaster and stayed for the ride.

  13.  #13cookie on January 14, 2009 at 3:07 pm

    I’m feeling outraged with the way things have been going, which is not really going at all, like he is still playing games and it still makes me angry. I feel anger all in my chest and it rushes straight to my head and consumes all my thoughts and feelings and even when i shake myself out of feeling it so I can function daily it makes me angry that I can’t go in a backroom and cry somewhere or put my head down and feel myself through the terrible. I’m feeling angry because I’m always allowing myself to be connected with him through financial shit then I have to be worried about if he is going to leave me stranded or if I’m going to get charged for his bill. I’m feeling angry that I can’t make him call me and find out why I’m not chasing him or trying to talk to him. I’m feeling powerless because I’m not able to speak my feelings to someone who is not around to hear them. Where do they go? I want him to hear them even though I know he is not really listening to me at his heart level. I’m feeling hatred towards him. I’m feeling stupid for him. I’m feeling my love running towards him, wanting to embrace him. I’m feeling foolish because he’s not even magnitizing me anymore, he’s not reaching out to me to come bring me back. I’m feeling angry again, my anger feels like hot tears forcing their way out of my chest, squeezing out of my brain and rolling down my cheeks. I’m feeling like I never want to love any man this way again. I’m feeling played. I’m feeling obligated to pay this bill before it bounces my account but not really having the money which will mean that I will have to call him or to go get it. Then that will leave me vulnerable to him hanging up on me or cursing me out or just being cold and nasty. I’m feeling like a sucker, I’m feeling like I’ve done it this way before, pulled back and waited for him to come back because I knew that he would. Then there was a point when we stopped speaking for two months and I was so relieved, I don’t remember feeling bad, though I think the first couple of weeks probably felt like this. Then out of nowhere he came back and he harassed me with his messages and phone calls until I weakened and then I partially thawed for him all over again. Then he would act like an ass and I would have to close up again and everytime less of myself was involved. I know that’s not right to do but it protected me from the heart break. I know that I should of let him go or let him in again and maybe it’s too late to ever feel that again but then I hear stories and they sound like he never loved me, like he was gaming me all the time with his softness while I was falling in love with loving somebody. That makes me angry because then I think that I may never know because I thought I felt love from him, I thought their was tenderness in his kisses and love in his touch, that i was on his mind and that he was willing to go where loving me could take him, but seven years later…It does not feel intimate anymore. I feel like having the males in my family kick his ass a hundred times. I feel like somebody will have to turn around and kick mine because I will feel guilty for hurting him. He admits I never intentionally tried to hurt him that everything I”ve done was out of response to how I was being treated. But what does that mean to me, not a damn thing. I’m feeling angry, my angry feels like frown lines and deep furrows over my eyebrows. I’m feeling disgusted that he is moving on with his day not thinking about me or how i’m feeling or if I’m alright, that he’s being stubborn and doing him his way. I’m feeling judgemental thinking of things to label him, like narcisstic or bipolar. I’m feeling truth in those labels.

  14.  #14Reshi on January 14, 2009 at 3:26 pm

    Caj13, tell me more about this book/exhibit, it sounds awesome and I’m sure I won’t be able to find your previous mention if I try 🙁 I feel honored to hear that you thought my story was good enough for something like that. I’ve always wanted to write a novel of my mythical people but it seems like eating an elephant, and I always felt afraid that I would be judged harshly and torn apart by critics for it being too personal, not relevant enough to what the mainstream culture thinks, not relevant enough to the way men think. Blargh.

    I feel good. I’m settling into my new role at the volunteer job (I went from receptionist to assistant director in 2 weeks, that has to be some kind of record!) and feeling so thankful to have the regular job paying the bills. The only thing I feel a greater need for is time for myself–and that in itself feels like a blessing, because I always had TOO much time for myself and spent most of it coming up with new and creative ways to beat myself up.

  15.  #15alias girl on January 14, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    i feel love and compassion for cookie when i read her post. i feel triggered bc i have felt that way too. i feel love. i feel tears in my eyes bc vulnerability is beautiful even if it’s in regards to confusion or rage. i really feel like rori’s work is starting to sink in on a deeper level.

    i feel enthusiastic about going into my business for myself even though all the details about HOW are not exactly clear yet. i feel excited that my ex is back in my life (exs) and i feel so much more clarity about where i’m at and what feels ok for me. i feel he is big fun potential and also closeness which i like. but also i have freedom to keep dating and being open to finding the right man and right circumstance. i feel like a light laser warrior at my job. lasering in on what i want and not being brought down to this lower level of vibration. it’s almost like an obstacle course. every hour it seems is an opportunity to dig my heels in and get on the complain train that other people are so comfortable riding their days on. not me. i feel like i literally have the choice to RISE ABOVE IT energetically speaking.
    i feel a little wobbly in my new modes of behavior but overall much more satisfying and able to produce and manifest situtions which please me greatly. thank you universe. thank you alias girl. thank you all. i know the all that is love is behind me. 🙂

  16.  #16Symantha on January 14, 2009 at 4:01 pm

    Hi Rory,
    I’m amazed about what do you do. I wonder how to be part of your coaching clients.

    Best Regards

  17.  #17heartbeat on January 14, 2009 at 4:03 pm

    I found the riffing more immediate (and portable!) than drawing. It feels better for me. I’m angry at getting so little from my man at the moment – the financial crisis has hit him and he’s here in body but it feels like he’s a ghost or a squashy thing. I’m leaning back and doing stuff I enjoy on my own. I did some drawing of my body feelings just before. I felt how my rage is in my body and drew it. I’ll try riffing on the drawing now.

    My red heart is cancelled, my red heart is bigger than me. I can’t see my red heart in the red flames. My mouth is smiling out of turned down corners, I hate my mouth, I have a beautiful mouth, I don’t like this mouth, it’s tight and masculine. I like my own mouth better, I love my own mouth, I feel my own mouth soft and loving like a mother. I feel tears and smiles, I feel my throat tickle and my cheekbones tingle. I feel good. I feel like celebrating!

    I can’t see my orange barbs on the orange paper, I feel relieved, I feel weak, I feel angry, I feel inneffective. I feel a fresh start, I feel amused and fuzzy, I love my orange squashy barbs. Squashy?? SQUASHY??? Didn’t I just say my man is squashy? I feel disinterested. I feel sad. I feel scared, I feel better thinking of my own stuff. I’m looking forward to tomorrow.

  18.  #18Reshi on January 14, 2009 at 5:27 pm

    Man. I’ve been feeling small bits of rage come up to the surface and thaw out all day. This morning I was listening to some talk radio about the music industry and for some reason it felt like nonstop triggering. I don’t even know what was being triggered but I just sat with it and stayed open to feeling it. And then at work my boss asked me to do something I wasn’t comfortable doing. What I would have normally done was a) go behind her back and do it my way, or b) do it her way and hate myself for it. Instead, I did it my way and told my boss why in feeling messages. The result: instant empathy. 😀

    Now I’m sitting at the other job feeling like my heart was broken open. I don’t like this feeling because I feel fear along with it. It’s way more vulnerable than I’m used to feeling. But I also like it because annoying feelings that come up seem to dissipate faster. I feel analytical.

  19.  #19heartbeat on January 14, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    Alias Girl & anyone setting up a business or creative venture (this seems a bit of synchronicity as a few of us today have mentioned work/jobs/business!) there’s some interesting stuff here on Marie Forleo’s blog about faith, universe supporting us, and following your bliss:


    and a great quote from Martin Luther King: “Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step.”

    She’s from the Christian Carter interview series where I came across Rori and became a Roriite 🙂

  20.  #20Cookie on January 14, 2009 at 6:48 pm

    I feel almost in love with you ladies, like i have found some kindred spirits in different stages of development in the same process. I feel like I don’t want to keep checking what you guys have to say and how you respond to my feelings and thoughts and pain but I can’t help being drawn to Rori and this blog. I feel like I’m so hard headed and stubborn and its annoying that I don’t fully consume this advice though it is the same advice i have given my friends time and time again. I feel like the idiot in my circle because I have (or had, who knows we haven’t spoke in days) a boyfriend and we had all these problems and I stayed with him and tried to work it out and love him despite him. I feel like the low self esteem chick in my circle and I never want to own that label but because of this relationship (and probably other shorter stints with guys) that’s where I believe they see me. I feel like I want to be brand new. I feel thankful to cassandra, talluhah, and alias girl, and all you girls really for being apart of my life right now.

  21.  #21Cassandra on January 14, 2009 at 8:52 pm

    Cookie…..I jsut want to hug you so tight in person! You are so hard on yourself Love and I feel so connected to you in so many ways….I know that at times….mmost of the time I guess…I am extremely hard on myself too. We need to just let go and BE and get to where we are happy just BE-ing. We will get there…together…all of us….we WILL get there! For the record you are NOT the low-self-esteem chick here….we all have stuff to deal with and that is waht is so awesome about this amazing place that Rori has given us all…we can learn ourselves here….we can learn how to just BE who we are and love who we are in a safe….loving…accepting place where each of us is TRULY LOVED FOR WHO WE ARE! How awesome is that?! I am glad you are here Cookie…I really am. There are days where I am good…feeling good..thinking positively and then out of nowhere…BAM! I get hit with such dark…hateful…horrible emotions that are like a freight train that can’t be stopped but somehow with the help, love and support of everyone here we make it thru those moments and then when it happens again we have more tools to get thru it and back into the lighter, happier emotions. You are as much a part of our lives as we are in yours….you are gift Cookie….do not let anyone tell you differently or let anyone steal that truth from you…ever! Did you ever get thru some of the riffing posts? I am still going thru them all over again so that I can get the how to riff etched into my heart so that it comes naturally and flows. It is helping me so much.
    I send you a huge hug and tons of love!

  22.  #22Cassandra on January 14, 2009 at 9:04 pm

    Rori….this post totally hit home for me. I have been so filled with rage since I got here and have not known what to do with it and at times was afraid what I could be capable of with how I have been feeling. I am trying so hard to ‘melt’ into my feelings whether Charles is home or not and even in a difficult situation this past weekend I tried to do just that and got amazing results even though I didn’t do the feeling messages quite right…it is a huge start and a huge deal for me. I feel good about that. I have felt that rage and helplessness for so long that it did feel like trauma to me and I didn’t know what to do with that. I even had a thought today that seemed to come out of nowhere..I was driving and listening to you on Reconnect…which I love and all of a sudden the words ‘What in the world would I do if Charles asked me to marry him right now…today…..how could I say YES after all of this and IS THIS WHAT I REALLY REALLY DO WANT?!!!” I was stunned that those words even entered my mind! I could not believe that I thought that. I feel that yes….I do want us to get married but he would have to agree to go to counseling with me before I would marry him. I could not believe that I thought that…it hit me from out of left feild. I don’t know what it means but I do know that it was totally diffferent than my usual thought pattern. I felt sad at that thought…I felt scared that those words crossed my mind…I felt as though I had done something wrong…i felt like crying and running to wherever he was at that moment even though he was 10 hours away from me at that moment…I felt so sad and even now as I write this I am crying and I don’t know why….I feel so sad about that thought..not in general but just about that thought….what is that all about? I am not sure but I am sure that I will figure it out here at some point…..I feel that I do want the life that we planned together and that I so want to be able to move past the anger…rage and hurt that I feel as a result of his actions…i want to let that all go and move forward in the amazing life that we had planned together. Even tonight…I realized that I had not spoken to him since 3:00pm-ish and then he called at 10:00pm-ish to tuck me in over the phone…..we usually do not go that long without talking but I did not call him and honestly did not think of him that much…what the heck? This is totally out of character for me to not even have him cross my mind for that period of time….It felt wonderful to hear his vopice when he called and I can’t wait until he gets back home.
    Sorry…got off on a tangent.
    Love you guys!

  23.  #23alias girl on January 14, 2009 at 10:08 pm

    thank you heartbeat. i will check that out.

    cassandra thank you for your heartfelt words to cookie. i actually felt truly connected to what you were writing and it touched me. i feel ? there are tears rolling down my cheeks. i don’t know what i feel. squealy sound in my throught. weird held breaths and then releasing them quivering lip. maybe i am melting. or rather thawing. melting sounds more like the bad witch in the wizard of oz.

    fear get thee behind me. i used to hear this pastor say this all the time and i never quite got what he was talking about. i get it now. why should i entertain fear? why should i pull out my best chari, my best china the best of me and give it to fear? fear is a hideous beast. unreal like the wizard of oz. pull the curtain and it’s barely anything but some dust and smoke. fear get thee behind me.

    i am ready for a new life. new home. new income, new environments. friends. lovers. i was reading about you or me rather. i was reading how I have to become different to get and keep different things in my life. i used to be scared to have money and a large nice home and financial security and to be known for me creative work. i feel ready to step into that new space. i used to be scared of getting close to a man. i am ready to babystep my way to intimacy and real love.

    i feel that weird energy current shakey thing in my stomach again. and sometimes it travels up into my shoulders . i feel paralyzed and sleepy sometimes bc i don’t know what lies ahead or how it will work out and i fall back into erroneous thinking and think it all has to come from me.

    i feel shaking in my stomach. i love my cold chiuahua shaking. i love my fear of the unknown. i love my readiness to move forward anyway. i love that i no longer feel obssessed with men but just really excited about them.i love that my shaking has moved up to my throat. i love that my cells are unfreezing and before they get completely back to healthy they shiver. i love my judments about my apt and my job. i love that i am very aware of how much negativity gets tossed around the office. i feel ready to rise above my current circumstances to a higher vibration and way of being.

    i feel cement in my body. all hard and set. i feel (of course) like having sex. i feel nervous about having an ongoing sexual relationship with a man. i feel curious to see what that will be like. i feel grateful that something like that actually feels like a possibility. i feel grateful that so many things in my life now feel like like realities when once they were just fantastical dreams.

  24.  #24Reshi on January 14, 2009 at 11:32 pm

    It occurred to me while I was sitting at work, the significance of what has happened to me through this blog. I can’t really say whether I’ve grown or improved as a person, but like…

    I let out my deepest, most personal myths and stories and fantasies here and I feel so loved and accepted by everyone that it’s just absolutely AMAZING. And I realized that I had been almost taking that love for granted, discounting it, saying it’s not real because it’s from women on a blog and not a man in my bed.

    But I remember a time–and it was not so terribly long ago–that I felt SO afraid that I just painted over every window to my spirit, so that not one ray of light would be able to shine out. I had never received anything but judgment and exclusion for being myself–from ANYONE. Sure, I was accepted as long as I was sarcastic and funny and cussed a lot…but the real Me was only judged and pushed away.

    I feel so amazingly humbled, and so thankful for you all.

  25.  #25alias girl on January 14, 2009 at 11:36 pm

    i feel immobilized. i feel angry about that. i feel unsure about what inspires me in life. i feel like there is hardened cement all inside my body and i can’t move. i feel totally unconcerned wit h any man right now bc how can i be in a relationship if i can’t even move? i feel sad. i feel bored with having all this trauma frozen in my cells. it feels like a bad deal and i am looking for a good deal. i feel lucky i have trapped frozen trauma bc then i get to work my compassion muscle which i am sure was very very non existent before this lifetime. i was probably a male whore in some other life. some good looking suave rich dude who went through women like drinks at a bar. i was probably also a drug addict and a homeless person. maybe someone cool too. i must have been cool at some point. i don’t know that one can just jump from douchebag to superfun alias girl in just one life.

    ugh. i feel kind of not great right now. i feel scared and i feel reluctant to admit my fear bc fear has run my entire life and i am trying not to give it any power. i feel confused. something tells me rori’s way is the best way i’ve found so far but sometimes i read new agey things about manifesting and it sounds like they are just positive affirming robots. on the other hand i don’t want to focus on my fear bc i want good things in my life and i want to be rich and happy and successful and in love. phew. i feel a little release. a little thawing. and still a big sandbag of hardened cement. i feel hopeful.

  26.  #26alias girl on January 14, 2009 at 11:43 pm

    i wish i could just completely thaw all in one night. like tonight, for example, would be a fine night for a complete thawing out. so then i could just shine like the sun for the rest of my days. then i’l be like oh woe is me my life is so fabulous what’s a godess to do?

  27.  #27Caj13 on January 15, 2009 at 5:00 am

    I’m laughing and crying at the same time over Alias Girl’s Goddess Dilemna. Yes, let’s admit it: Happily Ever After does sound unnervingly Boring ! Maybe that’s cuz, like any future it’s unknown, so Anything can happen. But until we put something there, it just appears like a huge Blank, laboriously indigestible. And I feel it’s mostly fear, yet again, that keeps us from daring to put something there, and old habits of ‘psyching ourselves out’ (think the worst so we’re ready, and IF things are better…). It’s only the illusion of a blech-y Void, created by our fear and our Nasty Voices. So, how to kit this unknown future out, make it ours, stimulating and appetizing? (mmmm -Yummy sex, Yummy love, Yummy life: Coming Soon AND Lasting AND Developing AND Evolving AND Rewarding AND infinitely Satisfying ). They have served us so well, this is not the time to drop our tools! Step back and See what is there. Feel the Power in our anger and fear, even in the dread of boredom. Dare to fix our ‘sappy’ glorious goals, set them at the top of a magic spiral staircase so we feel uplifted as we approach them, decorate our path with little stars of happiness one baby step apart to lure us along, and expect to be surprised when the stars explode into wonders we could never imagine. That dust and smoke behind the curtain is the stuff of the Universe – what we have ignored or treated as insignificant is only waiting for the spark of our acknowledgement to ‘disappear’ itself into what we want and need.

  28.  #28cookie on January 15, 2009 at 9:52 am

    Thank you cassandra for reminding me to be kind to myself. I think this is where I have to be right now. I think emotionally this is what I have to feel. I don’t know if it’s the “soup” yet. To cassandra, I have been doing the self esteem stuff, i’ve done the list of problems and then flipped them into wants, and found my themes, and then I did a post on my experience in my body. I haven’t made it up to the riff yet, I’m trying to get there but I’m also trying not to rush and skip steps.

  29.  #29alias girl on January 15, 2009 at 1:18 pm

    caj 13 you have such an elegant way with words. 🙂 i feel enjoyment and companionship when i read your comment.

  30.  #30Daria on January 15, 2009 at 1:24 pm

    I feel icky. I feel dizzy. I have the flu. I feel weird because I think I went “too far” with this one guy sexually. I feel ashamed to say that. I feel embarassed. I feel judged. I feel scared my mom will come read this post and (what?) something will happen bad. lol. Weird. That feels like smiling. I feel like I “overfunctioned” doing that although I wanted to and I was experimenting. So really I didn’t. I feel like running far away and hiding in a corner.

  31.  #31Daria on January 15, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    I feel guilty because other guys are going to want to date me and I feel “dirty.” Not in a good way either. I feel sad. I feel worried. I wanted to make this guy my “boy toy” because he’s younger than me and says he doesn’t want a relationship right now because he just got out of one and feels he can’t handle it. Which is fine for me because I don’t want a relationship unless it’s one that’s heading for marriage. And I feel guilty because he said I don’t have to fall in love with him but I said I already do love him. Which I do. I care for him a lot and feel love for him. Now I feel guilty though because he said he thinks I care about him more than anyone and I do care but I don’t want to hurt him. I feel confused.

  32.  #32Daria on January 15, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    I just erased my entire post. That is ok though. I feel a little disappointed. well the main part of it was to say that the result of my experiment was to realize that I can be triggered strongly by doing something like that. And it annoys me because he didn;t do it back to me. I feel horribly embarassed sharing this personal stuff. And I feel like I want him to in order for it to be ok. I am going to ask him to and if he doesn’t then I’m outta there. I feel like a weirdo. I feel ashamed. I feel cold and calculating. I feel guilty with the other guys I date that do do sexual stuff for me lol. I feel like a slut. I feel angry at that word and disgusted. I feel confused. I feel like I played myself. I feel my heart beating faster. I love my fast beating heart. Maybe this is ok because I am learning my boundaries in circular dating. Yay. So I can look at this as a positive. Even though I feel shame. I love my shame. I feel tension in my tummy and I love my tension in my tummy. I feel tension in my forehead and I love my tension in my forehead. That feels like relaxing. That feels like smiling and I love my smile. I wish I had not done that and that is ok. I love that part of me. And a part of me did want to do it and I love that part of me too. I feel bittersweet. I feel tension in my chest and scratchyness in my throat and I love the tension in my chest and scratchyness in my throat. That feels like sighing. I feel SO judgemental towards myself. That feels like downturned mouth corners and I love my downturned mouth corners and That feels like they are turning up way up. I feel good now. I feel confused but good. I really want to punish myself and I love that part of me. I don’t want to punsh myself. I WANT to accept myself fully. I WANT to accept my actions and LOVE myself. I feel like sighing. I feel amused remembering how I told this guy about oxytocin and how it triggers “I want a family” feelings. Hehe. What am I doing getting involved with this guy who is clearly telling me he doesn’t want a relationship. I don’t know. I did want him to be my “boy toy” although I feel blech at that word. I wanted to experiment with him. I don’t know. I don’t know if I am capable of experimenting sexually very much. I have triggered myself strongly. I feel like I “owe” sex to guys I have messed around with. I feel weird. I love my weirdness.

  33.  #33Daria on January 15, 2009 at 2:22 pm

    Ok so these posts would have worked better probably under the circular dating post. However I did not want to bring everyone down seeing how the person who was quoted on circular dating now feels confused and bad. So after reading rori’s e-letter right now I realize I can focus on myself. I feel afraid of hurting this guy’s feelings because he is according to him not really mentally stable and I don’t want him to suffer. However that is not on me and life is offering him the chance to meet me it doesn’t mean I have to cater to him now. I can focus on me and he can’t have me all to himself until he decides to claim me. Same for everyone else. I would have to see them a lot more to feel claimed. I also realize I have been manifesting a lot and this guy I really did manifest as someone to experiment with and he is very honest and supportive and I can be totally honest and open with him which feels nice. HE is also not really relationship material as he is younger, just working on getting his education, has an infant child, and has mental issues. So I am getting what I asked for but I am feeling like experimenting in this way might not be the way to go for me. I am so glad I lean back now and don’t call guys because that will give me some space. I feel dizzy. I love my dizzyness and that feels like relaxing in my forehead, but down cheeks. I love my down cheeks and pressure in my tummy. That feels like smiling. I feel like RAAAAGH and cleaning off the table with a sweep of my arm. Metaphorical table. Table of feelings.

  34.  #34Maragret on January 15, 2009 at 2:54 pm


    I have been trying to feel my emotions. But, I am a ver thinking analytical person. So I either have the numb feeling or the STRONG emotions which I usually channel into doing something very energetic. I think I am more comfortable thinking than feeling but in order to heal I have to feel. Is there anything to help me move the thoughts down into my body?


  35.  #35Cassandra on January 15, 2009 at 5:06 pm

    Daria….I want to give you a huge hug in person and tell you face to face that you are SO not a slut and that you did NOTHING wrong! It infuriates me that men can do whatever the hell they want with whomever they want and often totally destroy a wonderful woman’s heart and have no remorse or even the least bit of sadness about it yet women get physical with a man…making a decision based on what we feel at that moment and then we are referred to by society as sluts. it makes me sick. Sweetie….you are by no means even close to that category. You are strong and decided to do what you did..even as you stated yourself…as an experiment. This was a learnign experience for you and I personally congratulate you for being so strong…..decided and courageous to even have the fortitude to experiment in the first place!! You are such an inspiration to me! I loved your metaphorical table…I have swiped my arm across it several times myself! You are amazing and I send you a huge hug with one of your beautiful flower bouquets with pink and red ribbons flowing from the stems! XOXOX

  36.  #36Daria on January 15, 2009 at 5:29 pm

    Yay Cassandra thank you for writing! I feel so glad for your support. Hugs back!

    Margaret did you try doing the power and self esteem posts? I remember when I first started I did not know how to feel my feelings in my body either. Try starting out with the feeling of numbness and trying to LOCALIZE it in your body. Waht feels numb? your chest? your toes? as you do it more you will be able to localize it more and more. Oh and remember to tell that part of your body and that feeling you Love it. Even if you don’t like it.

  37.  #37Cassandra on January 15, 2009 at 5:45 pm

    Rage….hmmmmm. that is most definitely what I am feeling right now and if I could swipe my arm across a real table and not just the metaphorical table of emotions that Daria created for us…i would. I am so damn angry right now that I could scream. I have taken a HUGE leap of faith and started my own business….one that Iam having so much fun with and love…..and for me that is a huge deal. Not only that but I have done pretty much NOTHING for ME since I have been here so this was to be MY thing. I asked Charles if he would support me and he said yes. Today I was trying to find invitations to send out for my business launch party and he said that I cannot have it here at the house because he does not want people coming in and out of HIS…note he said HIS house….not our house….. I get the message loud and clear…. and he does not want anyone to see what HE has or does not have! No mention at all of ME being a part of this damn household or ME being the one that has taken care of it and keeps things going when he gone for days on end…..and in HIS own words….made it a home! You know what? Even as recent as probably a week ago my first reaction would have been unbearable fear….pretty much feeling so afraid that I could not move…of what…I don’t know but today??? Nope. My very first thought was…I am so damn sick of this @%^#%@ and I am going to be successful with him or without him and if he is not supportive of me…to hell with him!! OK…wait a second….has anyone seen Cassandra? Someone seems to have taken over her computer! If you see her please tell her that I am looking for her…….I immediately turned around and walked away and called my business sponsor and told her that I needed to find another location for my launch parties….she just happens to be his sister-in-law and now I am having them at her house which of course is also his brother’s house! I cannot wait until he asks me or Kim why I am having my parties there!! I can’t wait for Jay to tear into his sorry ass!! I hope he feels deep humiliation in front of his brother who is a GOOD man. I am so sick and tired of this crap! I am going to be successful at this and if he is not supportive of me..like now…..when I do start making money….it is all about ME and no longer US. Part of my reason for doing this was so that I could get to where I could contribute to OUR HOME….Ha…..there is NO OUR HOME!! I am so tired of this @^#&*%$! Now you all know me well enough to know that most likely even by tomorrow I will be singing a different song but for me to even react that way even for a moment is HUGE! What the hell is the big deal? We have people here in and out all summer long…every single weekend we have a pool party so what the hell is his problem? I even have to admit to you all that recently i have even had thoughts of what it would be like for me if I could circular date! I know I can’t and I would NEVER act on those thoughts…remember I am in HIS house…..it is not even MY home anymore. To hell with him! I am so gosh darn sick of this! Dammit! I MEAN SOMTHING! I AM IMPORTANT AND THE THINGS THAT I WANT TO DO FOR ME ARE IMPORTANT!! I think he is pissed off because I got my hair done today and then as I turn around to walk away from him….then he says….’baby…you hair looks beautiful’!…yeah whatever. I feel like I am going to throw up…I feel angry and that feels like rocks pulling my entire body under water…..my whole body feels tight and tense and angry and drowning…..My tummy feels full of rocks and dirt…..the rocks are cold and smooth. I am trying to focus on remembering that my Full potential self is part of ME and that SHE WILL GET OUT…she will overcome all of this….remember…she is the one that overcomes NO matter who or what tries to bring her down…the one that everyone is in awe of because no matter how bad she hurts physically…emotionally….spiritually….she keeps getting up and moving forward…SHE IS ONE HELL OF A FIGHTER…..even if she can’t breathe..even if it is only step…stop and rest….step stop and rest….step stop and rest……SHE DOES NOT QUIT!…even thought she is shaking so bad right now that she can barely type and is crying so hard that she can barely catch her breath…..she will not quit. I remember when I had a piece of my right lung removed in 03′ and went from being so so fit & strong to not being able to take 2 steps without gasping for air and then….within 6 months….with GOD’s grace and mercy and unending love…I was back up there singing on a major stadium stage singing the national anthem for 25,000 people at an NFL foot ball game again…..I can’t stop crying right now….is that rage? Definitely and it scares me because I feel like I want to tie rocks around his neck and throw him in a river for hurting me like this day after day after day……She is so beautiful with that long flowing red hair and those piercing blue eyes and even when she is crying and can’t breathe…she is beautiful……I want to protect her but SHE is the one protecting ME……She loves me and I love her…..SHE WILL BE SUCCESSFUL and he will be standing there in awe as she packs up her stuff and leaves him in her past only to miss her making his house a home….only to think about how SHE brought love and peace and so much joy to HIS life and to HIS home…she feels that she belongs no where now…as though if the wind blows that she will blow away…but to where? Does it matter? She feels like she could fall off the face of the earth and NO ONE would even notice let alone care….but SHE Is used to that….to being totally alone….even when fighting for her life…time after time after time and again…..she is used to crying alone and having no one to comfort her except for the rare and few moments when Charles does step up….She WILL BE OK not matter what…even if she is alone…even if he is not in her life anymore…..even if she never has what it is that her heart so deeply longs for….I have to remember that she is part of ME…I feel so defeated right now and that feels like splintering cold all over my body…I love my cold…..when you deep freeze something it can be stored and protected until it can be revived and do what it is supposed to do soI love my cold for keeping me on ice until I can flourish…..I love my rocks because ricks give you a place to hide behind..they too are protecting me…why is EVRYTHING always trying to protect me? I don’t get it…..I am reacting to things so differently lately and it is good but scary…it feels like I just don’t care sometimes….like I just give up…I quit…..I am not good at this being in love thing….it hurts too damn much….I am going to find a beautiful name for my full potential self…..a beautiful…strong….name that embraces all that SHE is…..She WILL overcome this…..and him ….interesting words to come out of me on this day…..

  38.  #38Daria on January 15, 2009 at 6:04 pm

    Wow Cassandra that is so beautiful I feel awed by your post! I really see the strength in you now and I CELEBRATE that I feel so glad!

  39.  #39Cassandra on January 15, 2009 at 6:08 pm

    Thank you Daria…..it scares me though because I know this feeling well….it takes me ALOT to get to where I don’t care anymore but once I get there….really there….it’s over for me….I don’t look back. It scares me because I think that the more that Charles does what he does the closer I get to that point of not caring….I feel close to that tonight….who knows how I will feel tomorrow…I willl most likely be a ball of tears and fear…..perhaps not….we will have to see. Ia m going to the gym though and that will feel good. Thanks for your encouragement Daria….it means alot.

  40.  #40Caj13 on January 15, 2009 at 6:18 pm

    Where is Cassandra? She’s at home, with you, within you. It feels like you’ve found her at last. How wonderful that you already have parties lined up to celebrate ! XOXOXO

  41.  #41Cookie on January 15, 2009 at 11:40 pm

    exactly, i agree with the other girls about your success cassandra. damn, you are making some powerful masculine moves and still beautifully feeling and feminine. charles is no match for your power. baby steps. you have been speaking to the universe for as long as i’ve been reading these posts that you wanted to make some money so you can move and i think the universe is providing. you go girl.

  42.  #42Cookie on January 15, 2009 at 11:44 pm

    daria, i feel so moved but the authencity in your post, i was actually very beautiful. thank you for being so open and admitting that this whole experimenting and circular dating thing is not perfect and showing what to do when you get “off your bridge.” i appreciated reading it.

  43.  #43Cookie on January 15, 2009 at 11:59 pm

    I am f&*&(@ pissed right now. So I started my new job and i wanted to tell him how it went, I wanted to tell him that I got it a week ago. I wanted to share my excitement and a story or two but the truth the man is off in his own world doing his own damn thing and I am pissed. I’m pissed that I can’t get his stanking ass off my mind, that my heart still feels so much love for him, that my head keeps hoping that he will call me or come find me. I’m pissed because tomorrow is the due date for his bill and he hasn’t called since monday and now I’m pissed that if he calls my phone, I might say i’m happy to be hear from you and that would be right and true maybe, and then i will feel like a dumb ass again because i was just pissed for the five days he was MIA and then i’m happy to hear from him? hell no, i don’t think i will feel that way, i think i will be pissed, the more days go between his last message is the more days i will be pissed and if he doesn’t pay this bill i will be pissed and if he does i will be pissed bc i don’t want to be his money manager. I don’t want to feel connected in that way with. i’m pissed because I can’t stop being mad and then i’m trying to do things the Rori way and not making him wrong. I mean he’s just living his life and being who he is but I feel so pissed because i thought i was included and i’m not. He got his mom all in love with him and his sister is back to kissing his ass and now she is helping him get this damn car. And i should be happy for him because he has his family now but why is it forget me when I was like his family when they weren’t messing with him. Now I”m pissed that I was judgemental and giving to get, but i just wanted him to love me back, i just wanted to believe him. Oh God, its 2 in the damn morning and I”m still up being pissed and missing him miserably. what the f is wrong with me?

  44.  #44Reshi on January 16, 2009 at 12:26 am

    Oh HELL YEAH. I feel so incredibly moved by Cassandra’s post. It felt like a tornado just blew through here, knocking over all the world’s useless men and uprooting their houses, leaving only the strong ones standing.

    I also feel moved by Cookie’s post, I am triggered. I feel memories of spinning in this seemingly eternal well of rage, cussing myself out, cussing my husband out in my head, just feeling all this rage with nowhere for it to go. Didn’t know how to Riff then.

    I get this image, when confronted with such angry feelings, of a Bharatanatyam dancer dressed in blue and yellow, dancing in this vast desert where she can stomp and yell and flail about to her heart’s content, just dance out all the rage until it’s all burned up, and not hurt anybody. It feels powerful to me.

  45.  #45alias girl on January 16, 2009 at 1:09 am

    thank you cassandra. i feel honored to read your most private struggle. i felt companionship and tear when you said about being on ice til it is ok to revive.

    i feel ok to revive. have been on ice too long.

    i feel empowered by your feelings of self empowerment. even if you waffle, you still have the opposing feeling of empowerment. they are there. they are real.

    i feel encouraged by your starting a new business. i wish i had a business coach.

    i feel grateful for everyone who reads this blog, those that comment and those that don’t. i feel grateful for rori without who i would still be in a deepfreeze in thinkingland trying to think my way out of pain and into happiness. when the real engine is the feelings.

  46.  #46Caj13 on January 16, 2009 at 7:54 am

    Hi Cookie, I can so feel where you are, too. Don’t we all get stuck there? And stuck means extra effort to get out, so we fight – naturally. And like Yin and Yang and those little Chinese straw finger traps, there’s another, equally natural way. To get your pinkies out of that little tube, you have to Give Up fighting. Just pull Gently Back, and out they slip, the tube intact. This does NOT mean to stuff down our rage and make a bunch of excuses about his ‘reasons’ or our own ‘not caring” cuz we don’t want to feel this any more, so that we look like we’re composed. That trap knows when we’re trying to trick it and just squeezes tighter than ever. The rage is Only there to tell you, “Get your friggin’ fingers outta there”, not to break anything or do harm, but it’s kinda touchy and wants a tip before it’ll get out of your way and let you get the job done. And that all-important tip is not a token coin (okay I’m pissed But he’s wrong And I’ll get over it, maybe I’m too stupid), it’s your Tip of the Hat that Acknowledges the Messenger (YEH I’m boiling mad, I DO believe it cuz this is real offence and I feel scorned and desperate and I can hardly breathe, I could Hit him I could hit myself, it’s so confounding and I love this whole pitiful mess Thank you for letting me know) that sends him on his way (Hey – I feel my fingers are free and I didn’t even notice when the torture-toy fell off!).

    Goddess, don’t feel bad when (you Think) you’re not there yet – Remind yourself, out loud, “I’m On My Way, at any rate”, and go kick some real pillows or bang the garbage pail lid. We’ve all only been on this site, so privy to this Other Natural Way of defending and asserting ourselves, for a few weeks or months at most. How many decades did it take to get imprinted with the wrong map? The new one, customized to us, is being etched with our own neural pathways through physical and psychic gestures – this is world-class cartography, so let’s allow ourselves to put up with the early misteps and misfires, lay the ground work and tweak it to perfection. Old map thought “I get treated badly. I must be wrong” : bring in a Voice tool, hook up to the lungs, switch on High, get your Swamp Woman to step on the gas “NO; I’m NOT wrong. I sure don’t Feel wrong. I feel Right. That feels so good to hear the Truth.” New Map section ” I feel validated when I accept the truth about myself.” And when I go out into the real world using that map, I get validated by others, tho’ that’s just icing on the cake. (Don’t worry about grease stains from the icing, however, they mean its permanent, even though you have your cake and eat it too.)

    Your horse doesn’t need either map. She’s always there to cart around Mr Creepo when he’s like glue, so stick him on her backside and flick you whip, she’ll take him for a hike.

  47.  #47Daria on January 16, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    I feel so angry. I feel my heart stinging and I feel worried about my health. Ouch. I love my stinging heart. Thank you heart. That feels like soothing love embracing my heart. Thank you… that feels like a little trembling sigh of relief. ouch… It’s ok if you sting. I Want to feel happy and healthy. And I love your stinging. I feel SOOO RAGEFUL. That feels like pouty lips and furrowed brow. I love my pouty lips and furrowed brow. That feels like sighing and relaxing of lips. I love my sighing. I love my relaxing lips and that feels like smiling a little bit.

  48.  #48Daria on January 16, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    I feel worried my mom is going to sneak in and read my blog. I feel really angry at her. I feel angry at teh world but mostly at her. I feel pouty lips. I love my pouty lips. I love my stinging heart. My stinging heart probably means I am going to die early of a heart attack. And I feel worried about that. And part of me wants to live and not die from a heart attack and I love that part of me too. And my lips feel pouty and my forhead feels furrowed. I love my pouty lips and furrowed forehead. I feel like punching and kicking and when I think of that my heart stings again. I love my heart. I wonder if it is ok for her to sting with anger. I love you heart. Thank you for stinging. Maybe this is your new way to show anger. And that is ok. Ilove you. And part of me feels concerned. I want you to be healthy. And that feels like sighing and relaxing. My lips are back to being pouty and my forehead furrowed. I love my pouty lips and furrowed forehead. That feels like big breath hummmhhh. That feels like smiling and a little giggle. Thank you for that. My heart still feels like stinging and I love it. I feel tension in my left temple and I love my tension. I feel tension in the right side of my mouth and I love my tension. That feels like it released. It feels like my ears popped and I can hear better. I feel yawny. I love my yawns. I love that I feel distracted in the middle of my writing and thoughts come and trigger my rage. I feel so much rage. I forgot what we were supposed to do with it. I feel so much rage I feel like attacking with it. I am going to scroll up to see what we are supposed to do… ok got it… me getting distracted might be the clue to more frightening feelings… I feel tightness in my right side of my butt… lol… I love my tight butt… that feels embarassing and amusing… I love my embarassment and amusement… that feels like sighing… I love my stinging heart… I feel glad my stinging is getting fainter… thank you heart… I feel stinging in the top of my mouth… I love my stinging in my mouth… I feel scratchy throated and caughing… I love my scratchy throat and cough… andt that feels like smiling and like my heart stinging…

  49.  #49Daria on January 16, 2009 at 2:01 pm

    I just had an awesome thought! Maybe my heart is waking up! You go heart! Thank you!!! YAY!

  50.  #50Daria on January 16, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    Aha… I feel VERY ashamed of something that I am not going to write down because I don’t want to. And I love myself anyway. I love my shame… thank you shame. that feels like smiling. I feel terrified and horrified. Hehe. I like Terrfied and Horrified. They sound like twins. They can be characters in a book. I really liked Reshi’s story about Makani it sounds like the kind of stories I imagine writing about. She made it seem so vivid and alive I feel jealous of her writing skills. I feel jealous a lot lately and that is “not like me.” Maybe it is and I didn’t notice or accept it. That is ok. I mean I felt absolutely transported by her poem about the divine masculine. It was really something else. I want to write like that, in a me way. Thank you. I want my writing to be powerful and moving and breathtaking. I want people to feel inspired and loved by it. That would feel good. I want them to feel hypnotized. That feels cool but also I feel kind of guilty. I love my guilt and my coolness. That feels like smoking cigarettes in middle school. Which by the way I didn’t do. LOL. I love my heart that is waking up. This guy I last saw said my heart is open all the time to everyone, and I should learn to close it sometimes. I said no. I said it’s good for a woman to have her heart open, and that I am learning to protect myself with it still open. That feels like stinging. Love you heart. I love your stinging. Corazon espinada. That feels like tightness and squeezing in my left jaw. I love my tightness and squeezing. I want to delve deep into my stinging and see if I can rename it… It feels like a shiver of lightning… Hmm… I feel a little worried that I will be all happy and stuff but that this might not be good for my health… or what if someone is doing voodoo on me… that is ok… I feel protected right now… I feel protected always… I feel smily… oh I also had a few interactions with my mom before this last post…. she asked me my opinion on decorating her room and said she is my friend “on this matter” I said I feel angry and she said she knows. So maybe that made me feel better, that I expressed that I feel angry. I feel yawny. I also feel hungry. I feel tight in my tummy, and in my left temple. I love my tighntess in my tummy in my left temple, and the squeezing in my left hip. And of course I love my heart flashfire. My heart magic. that feels like smiling.

    Heart magic I really liek taht… Even though I still feel a little worried every time it happens which is about every 20 seconds. I love the tightness in my right jaw. I feel stuck too. I love my stuck feeling. I feel it in my forehead and my tummy. I love my forehead and tummy. I feel like yawning. I love my yawning. I feel squeezing in my left armpit. I love my squeezing. I love the hotness I feel in my eyes. i love the squeezing I feel on the right side of my behind. I love the squeezing in my tummy. I love my sigh of relief. I love my smug smile and my laughing. I have Heart magic… I love my heart magic… that feels like smiling…

    I WANT to receive some money today in a way and an amount that will make me feel good and safe and pleased. Thank you. That feels like smiling. That feels like heart magic.

  51.  #51Caj13 on January 16, 2009 at 4:45 pm

    Daria, and some others who mentioned this, I share your apprehension about not wanting certain people, who might be able to figure out who we are in the ‘real’ world, to read what we write on here. The whole point, of course, is to learn to be who we “really” are but that doesn’t mean we want the whole process to be public knowledge. Several partipants have already changed their pseudos, perhaps due to these very concerns. I got to thinking (ok to use boy energy at this point I believe) when a new friend said he googled me (my real name) and actually came up with stuff ( gosh, me!!!????) So I googled my pseudo to see what came up and guess what? A zillion results, most of them about completely unrelated junk – that’s the good news. Not so hot: right on the first page was one of my posts on here! So that makes me feel pretty creepy, ‘eww blech’ to quote a certain very sweet and powerful postess. I mean, I’d be happy if someone who needed it found Rori’s material through me, but I feel I want a little more control in the way that happens (I have, in fact, spread the word quite a bit). So, I’ll soon be changing my pseudo and try to be a little more careful about certain details I might be tempted to post.

    Back to the more serious matters at hand: I had a lovely bout of Rage and Anger this morning! With pounding and stomping and real sounds coming out before they got stuck in my throat. This is so rare for me, I am just tickled pink. It was a bit exhausting, but all in all, it felt sooo goooood, during, and when it stopped.

  52.  #52Daria on January 16, 2009 at 5:03 pm

    Yay Caj! Thank you for writing me! I feel excited that you are feeling your anger… I remember you saying how that Used to be a trouble spot for you… heheheh!

  53.  #53Daria on January 16, 2009 at 6:51 pm

    I kind of “told off” the guy that flaked on me on Tuesday for business and a date. Hehe. I did listen to him but I kept telling him I feel angry and also at one point told him that I dont feel he deserves to talk to me. I was just practicing. I told him I feel like tearing him apart with my monster teeth… lol I was doodling a monster… hhehe…

  54.  #54alias girl on January 16, 2009 at 8:35 pm

    i also feel very excited for caj 13 baby step thaw by way of feeling her anger. congrats.

    i also feel amused at daria’s monster teeth.

  55.  #55heartbeat on January 17, 2009 at 1:48 am

    I feel amused at Daria’s monster teeth too 🙂 I feel very free-ed by all these ways of expressing, I’ve never been good at finding exact feeling words, but now I realise my words come in a different way, it’s often more immediate and real for me to say ‘I can feel my knees wobbling’ or ‘I want to jump up and down’ than it is to try and think of a word. Ah I’m feeling a wide smile 🙂

  56.  #56Cookie on January 17, 2009 at 11:35 pm

    i FEEL LIKE A beast right now, like ramming my rhino horn through his skull, like clenching his stubborn ass between my monster teeth and shaking him until he realizes that i am the second woman to love him uncondtionally and that he should be proud to have a woman like me on his left side holding him down. I want to punch him in the face with my big Mike Tyson boxing glove so that he is flying across the room. I want to win. I want to have his heart. I want a chance to show him that I’m not that miserable little girl that filled up her whole world with him so much so that I couldn’t always appreciate his effort and cultivate his love, that overfunctioning lady that measured being lovable by what I do or don’t do, that quiet person that didn’t speak her feelings but mostly from her brain. I want to share with him my whole new language of I feel… and I don’t want… and secure boundaries so that I never allow myself to be taken advantage of. I want to show my confidence and wear it like a brand new suit for him and other men that will be competing for my brand of sweet loving. I ‘m so f##@@@ mad that tomorro I will have to call him and tell him how angry I am feeling that I had to reach to him so he could keep up his financial obligation with me. It’s annoying but truth be told its deeper than that, its that i feel in my soul that it’s too late, after listening to rori, I know that i didn’t always invite him to love me with his heart, that I spent one too many times judging him or making him wrong, that I didn’t always respect his space or take care of me the best way, that I wasn’t always loving myself in his presence. I know now that as the woman I am the example and I want another chance but i also know that trying to convince him isnt going to help either. So as much as it hurts my brain, my heart, my body i have to let him go for the sake of the relationship. That sounds so crazy, but i remember very early on when we used to fight, i wouldn’t let him leave the room bc i didn’t know that i should, later on I learned to give him space but that was after years and years of being afraid that he would walk out like all the others. But for some reason, he stayed, he kept coming back to love me in his faulty way. and I know I’m sounding and feeling nostalgic and the past is not on the table right now but my heart feels heavy as hell and I want to be with him, I love him.

  57.  #57Flipper on January 18, 2009 at 5:27 am

    ‘Atta Girl, Cookie for your Fabulous Rage and furious Gnashing and Thrashing! I could feel it clear out to here and feel admiration for you getting so graphic. For the rest, ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. OKay, as your rage morphed into looking ‘objectively’ at what You did ‘wrong’, maybe you Think this is not beating yourself up, but this subtle undermining feels like exactly the same thing. (And Boy, do I know about that – I can feel with you every backstep of the way!) It’s making your ‘mistakes’ responsible for HIM and makes you feel like you’re entirely responsible for the relationship. Yes, our role is primordial but that does NOT mean the same thing. HE has to row the boat, (AND bail the water out if bad rowing or pushing your Rhino’s buttons lets it in).

    That’s a bummer about your LI as deadbeat debtor, and obligatory phone call. Daria just had the same problem, if you recall, and I believe our business-savvy goddesses recommended she treat it as simply and matter-of-factly as possible and Get off the phone. That doesn’t preclude a feeling message in there, so you can make the reason for your reminder come from your feelings, without blaming. At all times, EXPECT full, swift cooperation. That will Show your assurance and boundaries.

    Alias Girl – I just loved your I AM vs I FEEL. I think my brain AND heart are finally satisfied.

    Reshi – I haven’t forgotten you or the others about the exhibition/book project. Ideas are forming in the soup. My plan is a real-live object, but I feel a virtual solution might be complementary and more practical.

    Someone else (sorry I can’t remember who and this blog is getting pretty unwieldy to find things) mentioned their green slimy monster and I had just made a drawing of my Rageful Defenderess clad in a shiny green body suit, with all my feminine forms but only my face showing. A beautiful but determined face, with a wry smile and clear eyes just slightly closed and brows knitted in concentration, the head garnished with sharp devil’s horns and a dragon’s crest, with a long blond ponytail. Legs flexed and ready to stand her ground, she had the right hand held out in STOP! and the left held high with one of those medieval spiky things with the points in all the colors of my Fury. There’s a warm red heart right in the middle where it should be, cushioned in a soft sea of green fields. I am very pleased with this image and have it next to my bed.

  58.  #58Cookie on January 18, 2009 at 7:51 am

    Thank you Flipper for hearing me as I sometimes feel so forgotten on this blog. Then I feel like I’m annoying and becoming to this blog like I am to my friends after talking to them about my relationship for the past seven years. You are right, I am hard on myself, I know, but I feel like every time I step two steps forward, I also fall two steps backwards. Like for the past few weekends I have turning to my life and hanging out with friends going out, etc. But it takes me so long to be in the moment and just enjoy whats happening. Instead a little part of me is thinking about him, and replaying the events of the week and trying to figure out what exactly is he blaming me for, and listening to Rori or reading any other relationship material honestly always makes me feel guilty. Esp. Rori’s stuff, because I always see my errs and then I want to fix them, which I know sounds like I’m not getting it. But I’m always like, ‘wow, so that’s what pushed him away, or that’s why he’s not calling’ and the insight is profound but then what. Is that the dating part? Cuz honestly i am so not ready to date, i don’t want to meet another man when i’m this purging and healing state and become my old self again. It’s like that with everything I do, I go extra hard to lose weight, or pay off debts, or whatever, and then as soon as I get where I think I wanted to be then I go right back to eating whatever, not working out, overspending, etc. So, I don’t really want to focus on men at all right now, is that wrong? But then if I don’t attract men, I feel like I’m ugly or unattractive and that my guy is right that no one will want me, only just to have sex but not to commit to me. I feel that these messages i got from growing are so ingrained in my mind and heart, I’m still not sure how to see myself differently, I need help. Oh, I called my guy this morning and his mom answered. I called back and he didn’t answer so I don’t know what will happen next. I’m worn out.

  59.  #59Daria on January 18, 2009 at 3:11 pm

    I feel rageful. I just talked to my sister and heard that he is having a baby after all. Either that or he just calls the woman he is dating his baby mom. I feel angry. I feel grateful for not feeling attached and I felt myself melting after writing that. I feel so joyful. I have feared this moment (when he would tell me he is having a baby with another woman) for years. My heart would catch and I would feel devastated just thinking about it. Well now it has come to pass and I do feeling a squeeze in my right thigh. And a smile on my face. Thank you Rori. I feel like crying. I feel good and about as stressed as I was about shrinking my favorite pijama pants in the wash. HAHAHHAHAA, I WIN AFTER ALL… I feel like laughing! I feel triumphant. I do feel a touch of sadness too, and I feel the tears somewhere in my forehead. I feel squeezing in my left jaw. I love my squeezing and my left jaw. I feel it squeezing in my solar plexus and I love it squeezint there… I feel it in the right side of my neck and I love the rigth side of my neck. I feel ANGER. I feel bemused. I love my squeezing in my right neck and solar plexus and that feels like sighing. I feel like a storm is taking my chest and mind and wanting to throw it OUT There. I feel squeezing in my right ear and shoulder. I love the squeezing in my right ear and shoulder. I feel like it has released. I feel pressing in my left lower back. I Feel tension on the back of my neck and I love my lower back and back of my neck and that feels like yawning and sitting up straight.

    I feel bemused and awed at how far I have come.

    That feels like a little doubt squeezing my right shoulder and I love my right shoulder squeeze. I love my disappointment that squeezes in my solar plexus and my right side of my face and neck that feels HOT right now. That feeels like yawning. I feel so calm. Lol. I feel amused. I feel squeezing in my cheeck bones. I love my cheekbones. I love me. I want to have him tied up somewhere where I could just yelll and yellll and yeall at him. I want to throw my rage all over him like a wave of red water. That feels like sighing of relief.

    Yesterday I determined what I learned from this man. I learned that I Can fall inlove. I am not stone cold or too hard or only able to love up to a point. And taht is good. Because I can fall in love with someone who is for me, and he is coming for me. Taht feels like loving. I will let the divine masculine embrace me now and I feel rushed to go downstairs and eat…

  60.  #60Cassandra on January 19, 2009 at 9:30 am

    Caj….way to go! I think that you should totally celebrate getting to the point where you really do allow yourself to FEEL anger and rage. Yay for you!!
    Daria and Cookie…I send you both a huge hug! I know it hurts to find things out that you don’t want to know or have him owing you money but the great thing is that both of you are here and growing so much and inspiring so many other people!! Cookie…I am sorry that you feel forgotten at times…..that is not at all the case. I hate that you are hurting like you are and I so wish that if you were close to where i am…we could go work out together and do fun stuff. YOU WILL get thru this!! and be stronger on the other side of it!!
    Love and hugs to all of you….

  61.  #61Cassandra on January 19, 2009 at 9:44 am

    I was doing so great and then WHAM! out of nowhere these bad…awful feelings…fear and rage and anger and all of that stuff come and hit me in the head like a 2×4 and it hurts….it feels like my heart being broken into little tiny pieces and then the pieces are floating all throughout my body..stinging me as they move…..I can’t say that I love that because I dont feel love for all of that…..I will say it though because maybe then one day I will…I love my broken heart and it’s little pieces stinging me with every move that they make….I am tired of feeling that I don’t matter…..I was all dresssed up for church yesterday…ahir done and everything and it was raining lightly so I asked Charles is we could either go in early to avoid a heavier rain or if he would drop me off at the door and his response was ‘I am not moving out of this parking spot for anyone….you can walk in the rain’ and then he said later on that if I were to leave that he would not even be sad for a minute….he later retracted that and said that he really would be but the fact that he put it out there broke my heart. Things had been going well and then he bring up this damn move again….I feel so hurt and angry that he has plyaed GOD with my life and I feel hate toward him for that…I feel angry that I am stuck here with no future with him and I have poured my heart and soul into this house and he doesn’t care one bit about my feelings…that feels like my tummy is full of rocks again but this time…I just give up. I can’t do this anymore….I have nothing left to give to me or to him anymore…..I have given all that I am and I actualy want those rocks to pull me under the water….at least then I can finally have peace….I can finally be happy and fulfilled and finally have peace……my eyes are burning because I am crying and I don’t even care anymore. I had started this little business for ME and I don’t even care anymore….I give up…ia m so tired that I can barley get thru a day anymore but I can’t do anything to move forward until I have a job and can move out which may not happen for months so my life is on hold for a man that does not even care about me…at one time he had said that he would be devastated if I left…yeah right! He would not even notice except for that the house would be not clean and his laundry would not be done…he would not even care one bit…and then he has to go and call me this morning becuase he knows I love snow and we are supposed to get some snow which rarely happens here….why did he call me to tell me that? He does not care for me so why tell me that? Why not just leave me the hell alone?! I hate him right now and I do want to just gracefully fall under that water and just go to sleep…I am tired and I am hurt and I will NEVER have what I want at this point because I trust him so now I am screwed and it is too damn late for me now…Ia m too old to find someone else…learn them and have a baby…it is too late and I blame him for that…..I want him to hurt….I want him to hurt so bad if I leave which you all know that I won’t because I am not strong enough……so I would rather just fall into that water and go to sleep becuase I can’t keep going like this….I am sorry but I hate myself for ever trusting him and loving him. I can’t do this anymore not that I would do anything bad to ME but I just want to go to sleep and not wake up…at least then I wouldn’t be hurting like this…..even my full potential self that I have yet to name….but at this poi9nt why bother……can’t get me out of this.

  62.  #62Daria on January 19, 2009 at 3:39 pm

    Ohh Cassandra I can so relate to the wanting to fall asleep and go underwater feeling because the feelings are too strong.

    That is probably the place in rage where we “zone out” as Rori says because we are getting closer to the scary real feelings…

  63.  #63Cassandra on January 19, 2009 at 3:55 pm

    Daria….you are so right. I do want to just zone out and not feel a thing…not one thing good or bad. It is so funny that when he is home for the most part things are good but when he leaves I am so angry at him. I feel that way when he is home too but not as much because I am enjoying our time together except when he says or does something so insensitive and thoughtless but for the most part I am happy when he is home. This roller coaster is exhasuting and I do not feel good about me when he is home or gone….I certainly don’t want to be someone else…I KNOW that I am a good person and that I am a loving, wonderful, caring, compassionate, beautiful woman so it’s none of that but what the $#%&#%& is my problem? I don’t get it….he makes me feel horrible most of the time and when things are good which is most of the time when he is home I am still always on edge. He criticizes nearly everything that I do right down to what I put into which trash can…now I have gotten to where sometimes I will even put stuff in my purse to toss it when i leave the hosue so that I don’t have to answer why I threw what away where. I feel as though nothing I do is good enough for him and he is grumpy about pretty much everything that I do…wear….say…think…fell etc. You get my drift. I am tired and just don’t want to feel antyhing anymore.

  64.  #64Daria on January 19, 2009 at 8:13 pm

    Dear Cassandra, please don’t get down on yourself. Try riffing the feelings IN Your Body rather than focusing on what caused them.



    I feel concerned.

  65.  #65Tracy on January 21, 2009 at 4:10 am

    i feel angry right now………..i feel let down by everything and i don’t feel anything positive in me………….i feel like doing nothing just going home and curling myself in my bed and hiding from the whole world.i feel let down,miserable and i feel like my life means nothing right now….i feel that everyone is moving on but i keep going backwards,evryone is getting married but i cannot even get a date………….i hate it……i feel its wrong to measure myself by everone’s achievement and i am tired of looking at society and feeling like i don’t measure up…
    i miss my guy so much today and i feel he should be here to make me feel better but i know better now………….i know that i can make myself better……..i feel empowered with all the new stuff i have learnt and though i am only getting started sometimes my feelings overwhelm me and i feel discouraged……..i feel sad i feel alone and i don’t want to feel that anymore………i feel i deserve to be happy and i feel i deserve to make me happy…i deserve a good and successful man who will love and cherish me and care for me the right way but sometimes i feel scared that it may not happen and i feel scared that i don’t deserve this good and wonderful man…….i feel weak and feels like my shoulders slumping down and my heart feels heavy and i feel anxious…………….
    i feel tired now but better that i can crazy as they are i can identify my feelings.

  66.  #66Tracy on January 21, 2009 at 5:13 am

    i just had a light bulb moment………..i felt like each time i sink into this sad angry feeling….i beat myself up for it.i blame myself,i hate myself for feeling that way but now i feel that its okay to feel sad.its okay to feel like everyone is doing okay and you are all left behind…its okay to feel irky…….and sad and alone and i love myself for feeling that…….i love my anxiety feeling my sad feelings my irky feeling….i will feel better once i sink and completely accept these feelings.

  67.  #67heartbeat on January 21, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    I just popped by to catch up.

    Cookie – I’m alongside you, I feel sad you feel forgotten sometimes (sometimes I do too, and I know I’m not) and I read all your comments.

    Tracy – Yay! sinking into feelings and accepting them feels amazing. I’m so impressed with you’re riff. You’re doing great! I haven’t got it with anxiety yet, though my anxiety is hardly there now, it seems to have faded away.

    Caj – I love this rage post too, I feel like a changed woman!

    Flipper I’m into visual stuff and your picture feels FABULOUS 🙂

  68.  #68Tracy on January 24, 2009 at 5:38 am

    today i feel relaxed,i feel i need to do more activities that are fun and exciting and that will make me happy.i feel relaxed and at ease………..
    heartbeat,thanks for the encouragement.i have realised that i need to accept my feelings good or bad and just learn to sink into them.It is really hard sometimes but i am slowly learning how to do that……….
    i am learning so much and it feels like living a new feals so relieving to discover new things be happy….i feel so happy sometimes i end up feeling scared that i am too happy, that i should not be feeling so happy……..
    i feel that i am becoming more aware of myself and my life and what i really want and it feels great!thanks rori for such wonderful tools i am setting up a journal where i will try and plan my time and how to practise the tools and follow up on the progress
    opps! and i almost forgot………..circular dating is amaizing,i am getting so much attention i can’t even keep up………..all these guyz….
    i feel scared though meeting them in person and getting to know them better but with time i know i will overcome the barrier!yay……….that feels motivating…….i feel relieved!

  69.  #69Bethany on January 28, 2009 at 7:09 pm

    I feel epically rageful. I feel so mad I can feel it vibrating in my entire body. I can feel my stomach curling in on itself and my guts are just writhing with rage. It’s always there like this layer of anger like a Teflon sheet that splits my body in two from my head to my feet. I feel myself shaking, that feels good, now I feel calmer, tears are letting me release it…I guess this is what happens when you don’t do your riffing and you suppress it. It sits inside you and the numbness just builds…I feel so pissed at everyone. I want to punch him, punch my roommate, Rori says you won’t feel so angry towards a guy who’s just being himself…I want to believe that. I give my rage a big hug, I feel good and tearing up now, but then I feel numb…all that force of emotion is gone now…I just want him to behave the way I want, so much…I feel so rageful because I won’t call him, even when he said “you can call me and let me know how the job hunt is going…” w.t.f? Why can’t I call him? I feel so agonized about it…I have to sit on my hands sometimes…what if he thinks I’m not into him? What if he loses interest because he has to access me? Well, f*ck him, I feel sooooo pissed that he is so clueless…I feel so angry that he won’t just effing grow up…I love my anger, it feels so scary sometimes and then I freeze but now it feels like a scared little girl who crosses her arms and stomps her feet…and she is scared. It’s all about fear for me, this anger…I feel so angry that I feel like such a people-pleasing lobotomized cow. I hate that when my roommate makes “funny” remarks that subtly devalue me because she’s jealous of me that I play along so she won’t know it hurts because I feel confused…I feel lonely and why can’t I just have some girlfriends nearby who don’t treat me like shit? I feel so mad that I feel I have to be nice to people so they won’t hurt me. That’s bargaining. I hate it but it feels so automatic. I hate that I can’t just say go f*ck yourself to her and move out…I feel so mad that I always second guess myself…I feel like I’m slowing down…I love my anger, I love it, it’s going to heal me and kick me in the ass and get me moving, out of here and into the life I’m supposed to have.

  70.  #70sandra on February 12, 2009 at 4:25 am

    Hi guys and Rori, thankyou for your work. It has really been helping me this past little while. I feel like there are things which I have always done which I will never do again after reading your ebook and following these blogs. I feel a lot of fear, and angry, angry at myself for not knowing how to communicate in a way which he can hear, being too full on, and pushing him away. I do think that there was a strong connection, the possibility of love, and I am experiencing this remorse, recognising my pattern with men has always been this. I can’t help wondering if I have let something so special pass by because of my old habits and lack of self love. Yet I am so happy to have learnt so much too, and find myself swinging between this rage and disapointment at myself, the yearning to share what I have learnt with him (argghhhhhhh), and all the negative self talk in my head, and then an increasing awareness of these voices, and coming back to myself, to my feelings, to being present, and feeling an incredible sense of anything is possible. Then it goes again. but it is coming back more and more easily for me, and I am using affirmations a lot to help me stay focussed and present and to listen to my higher voice, not the negative voice.
    Back to rage, I felt angry the other day, triggered by the situation with this man, and the voices in my head were going, and I felt really overwhelmed by it, like I couldn’t stop that voice, but somehow through it the voice sorted stuff out for me. It made the problem clear to me, and gave me a clear sense of what I don’t want in a relationship, and a sense of empowerment in expressing this to him when he does finally call, or to any man. So is this what you mean Rori by the anger moving you forward? I was definately thinking rather than feeling, or the voice was thinking me….is this internal voice also part of your process? By the way, I am a single mother of 2, I would love to hear more from and about single mothers. It can be so hard sometimes, and difficult to stay present for children when processing all these things.

  71.  #71Rori Raye on February 12, 2009 at 11:06 am

    Welcome Sandra, and, yes – your Voices and the thoughts are all part of the “Riffing” – just keep coming back to your feelings and your sensations and sink into them…the anger is like “fuel” – it keeps you afloat instead of falling into despair – even when you’re FEELING despairing and grief stricken. Don’t be afraid of feeling these things – the secret is to keep moving through them, breathing, keeping your body open so the energy can move through it. Love, Rori

  72.  #72freedomfrom on January 19, 2012 at 10:16 am

    What is “RIFF” you are referring too?