He’ll Feel Safe To Open Up With You When YOU Feel Safe With You

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A man CANNOT feel SAFE with us until we feel SAFE with OURSELVES.

In order for him to entrust you with his full self (and almost all men think they’re horrible somewhere deep inside, with horrible impulses and terrible guilt, and all the same bad training we women have endured our whole lives) – he has to BELIEVE – and to FEEL, with all of him – that you ENTRUST yourself with YOU.

This means you have to be willing to face all the ugly, icky stuff you fear is inside you – and LOVE it all.

This, to him (to the whole world, actually) reads as Inner Strength. As grit, solidity, goddess-nature, self-love, self-esteem…

It has nothing to do with games, strategies, rules…because all that reads to him is that you WANT something from him, and feel so squishy and mushy inside that you have to use your brain to get it.

And we all know that NO man responds to our brain activity.

We can all feel when someone we’re with feels comfortable “in their own skin.”

That simply means you are aware of much of your “imperfections” – and that even though you may not approve of all of yourself, all those parts of anger, rage, rudeness, need…you ACCEPT them and LOVE them.

Without you saying a thing, doing a thing, demonstrating a thing…he can FEEL your acceptance of yourself.

And as he feels your acceptance of YOURSELF – on a moment-by-moment basis – he all of a sudden feels like HE can trust you to accept HIM.

There’s nothing we can do to communicate this (yes – you MUST speak to him in words of acceptance and appreciation rather than in words that sound like “improvement,” “help,” or “wrongness” – but that’s only one part of the double whammy combo you need to bring him in for good) in an OUTER way.

He just has to FEEL it.

He has to feel that if he feels your insecurity, anger, upset, depression – or ANYTHING “unpleasant” – you have the inner strength to notice it, catch it, accept it, love it, speak about it, and turn it around for YOURSELF.  He has to see that happen with his own eyes.

He has to EXPERIENCE it.

He has to feel his overwhelming sense of relaxation, acceptance, and THRILL that comes to him when he’s in your presence and you do that kind of powerful thing.

Watching a woman LOVE HERSELF is the most powerful thing on earth.  This is how you GIVE to a man.

You give him the space to be himself, the honor of feeling loved no matter what, and the absolute knowledge, the daily proof that you are UNSHAKABLE in your devotion to YOU.

I could go on a rant about this over and over and over (and I will).

Just imagine it.

If you feel solid – if you love and honor yourself, your needs, your wants, your desires, your mistakes, your feelings, your history, your future – even what you think of as your weaknesses – then you can love him.  No matter what.

You’ll have enough love left over from your endless supply to drip plenty all over him.

He doesn’t want to be the one you shower with love.  He wants to get the drips and the overflow after you shower yourself FIRST.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Erika on October 11, 2008 at 4:35 pm

    Beautiful, Rori — I love it! I especially appreciate the recognition that men too are struggling with the “bad training,” and many of them are doing the same self-improvement work that we women are. We’re all in this together!

    – Erika (www.awakeningfromthedream.blogspot.com)

  2.  #2Reshi on October 11, 2008 at 10:17 pm

    What a well-timed post, Rori! I just got home after spending quite some time absolutely overflowing with RAGE at the way my husband has treated me lately (and the way I’ve allowed myself to be treated). It would be so easy to just stuff the rage and go to bed and then wake up tomorrow morning and try to “get along” and “be nice.” It would be so incredibly easy to just run away from facing him and making that Power Speech that I know I need to make.

    I’m thankful enough that I can FEEL the rage–you are right, it does feel so much better than the vague, leaden depression that’s been pretty much my constant state for at least 4 months. Not so recently–I spent the last week pretty much crying nonstop and now I’m on to rage. And yes, there have been moments of happy feelings and loving feelings and sexy feelings in there too. Just tiny moments but at least I know they exist. And I’m so proud of myself for finally being able to stay still and feel all these scary emotions.

    Had I never heard of you, I would not know how to use these feelings to make him feel SAFE–nor that it was even possible!

  3.  #3Rori Raye on October 12, 2008 at 10:59 am

    Reeshi – you Rock! This is how you HEAL YOURSELF…aren’t you amazed at how you can do this yourself with some simple guidance? You are ALL totally amazing, and you’re actually creating a new kind of profound “Therapy” – I’ll have to put a name to it, for now we’ll just call it “Feeling Therapy.” Love, Rori

  4.  #4Daria on October 12, 2008 at 1:12 pm

    well you guys… I’ve come to a little problem… the guy I really liked who hadn’t contacted me (well he did send a text and a couple of half-phone calls)…

    I wound up texting him to ask him a favor about the city he lives in… he didn’t exactly help me when i needed it… but wanted to see me after work… then he wanted me to come to him instead of him come to me (this is emerging as my #2 dating issue, along with guys trying to have sex to soon at #1)… well i said no i don’t want to… and he quickly said oh you don’t want to… ok then we’ll see each other another time… i said ok… now i wish i’d said I feel SO embarassed and furious…

    do you guys think this is the way to go? or is quickly getting off the phone (and thus moving away from him) the best? I think option one would be the authentic one… right?

    so I now erased all his numbers and texts out my phone… I sent him an online message that I felt So mad… not sure if that was the thing to do at all… then I erased him from my online site… so now I have none of his contact info and cannot contact him even if I want to 😀 – I feel like I’m burning up with embarassment and anger, and although I feel it’s fun to feel my anger which makes different parts of my body heavy,, well its been a whole night now and it hasn’t melted… plus I feel confused about how to deal with issue #1 and issue #2, my confidence is kinda going down and I find myself complaining about how I find men that won’t step up all the way (not good). Help?

  5.  #5alias girl on October 12, 2008 at 1:17 pm

    i want to be a safe person for my man to let down his guard and let me in. i don’t think that was possible before i found rori’s tools. i had too much Strategy going on and self protectiveness. i feel ready! i feel ready! i have so much more compassion now. i feel ready!

  6.  #6alias girl on October 12, 2008 at 6:34 pm

    wow that sounds like a painful situation that is bringing up a lot of deep feelings for you. i had a tendency in my past to pick men that were only capable of a sexual relationship with me. and truthfully it was all i was capable of with them. i Fantasized about having more with them but i wasn’t capable and did not have the tools. (now i do thanks to rori!!! bring on the real relationship, real love, real romance, real compassion, authenticity and acceptance and safety and recognition of my flaws but loving myself anyway and knowing i am still deserving of love) anyway i have love for you as you feel all these feeling this siutation is bringing up for you.

  7.  #7Daria on October 12, 2008 at 11:13 pm

    thanks alias girl…

    i felt better today after i wrote the e-mail message… and erased his info… i saw another guy i used to really like and he was acting really into me…

    then I felt kinda weird and disappointed that he didn’t stop me when I was leaving…

    my feelings are seesawing up and down from feeling good about myself to feeling that i won’t find a guy i really like and lose the ones i do like (bad about myself)

  8.  #8alias girl on October 13, 2008 at 12:07 am

    my feelings are seesawing between feeling i’m about to break through to feeling super obssessed about finding a guy to feeling like a big loser with ISSUES. i feel OBSESSED mostly. i guess i have to trust it bc in my past when i got obssessed about something it usually led me down a good path. like being obsessed is excitement for me. and i love to be excited. but i feel OBSESSED with dating and meeting guys i like and finally settling down. maybe i am finally cooked. finally ready for a relationship. or maybe my obsession means i’m not ready? but i’ve wanted a relationship MY WHOLE LIFE. and i never settled and i left if things were utterly wrong and i went about my life and did other things and i have other interests and now i have rori’s tools. i feel like one of those women that all she’s ever wanted is to have a baby and for some reason she can’t. All I’VE EVER WANTED IS A BOYFRIEND. but none of the men i picked or loved wanted to make me their girlfriend. 🙁

  9.  #9ann on October 17, 2008 at 4:00 pm

    Hi ladies,

    Hope you don’t mind me joining in on this learning experience with. The more I read & practice Rori’s stuff the better I feel about myself. Because my interpretation of what she’s teaching is, the more I improve myself, the more I will become my best me. I will be good enough for myelf, I will feel safe with myself, all parts of me. I will enjoy my life instead of just being here. I look forward to reading more of how you ladies are growing & loving youself.

  10.  #10Rori Raye on October 17, 2008 at 11:10 pm

    Welcome, Ann, and look forward to hearing more from you, Rori

  11.  #11Christine on October 23, 2008 at 12:37 am

    Just wanted to share an experience I had last week. My husband and I were having an argument. I did compose myself at some points and use feeling messages, but he didn’t want to talk to me, kept moving. I was so in masculine energy demanding he talk and give me answers – I see that looking back and am learning from it. On the positive side though, when he said he didn’t want to work on our marriage anymore because it would never change and instead of turning into the begging for absolution, grasping, needy person I usually am when faced with the prospect of being alone I said I wanted to be clear on what he was saying because if that is so then I don’t want to be here. There was silence because I really felt I would be okay leaving and he felt it. He reconsidered, and we talked briefly about starting fresh. And then I just let myself feel the mix of happiness of being loved, sadness over the distance there was between us, and sudden tiredness from holding it all in – tears just streaming down my face and completely open. All of a sudden he sat straight up and made a space for me, I just sat next to him, and he wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. I said I hate feeling so far away from you, it’s feels horrible. I looked up and he had tears in his eyes too. That is powerful. And Rori, I’m sure if I had a better grip on your tools we could have skipped the argument part and gone straight to the feeling. But that’s okay, it’s process.

  12.  #12Cassandra on October 24, 2008 at 12:02 pm

    First of all….Rori….You are a blessing bigger than any words could express….secondly to all of the other strong women on this blog you are all an inspriation. Thank you.

    My situation is this….I moved from a very comfortable life in another state and city nearly a year ago to marry my boyfriend. We were going to go to the justice of the peace so we did not require alot of big, fancy plans. 1 month after I got here he announced (with no discussion whatsoever) that we would not be getting married in the timeframe that we had discussed but that he could not tell me exactly when we would marry – only that he does love me and will marry me…someday. (Oh and that we would not be having children once we do get married) I gave up everything for this man yet now am in a city where I know absolutely NO ONE and have no where to go. He has become someone that I don’t even know. He does what he wants, when he wants, how he wants with NO REGARD for me or my feelings and is the most selfish man that I have ever met (A Narcissist perhaps??). In addition, I was layed off of my job the end of July and have not been able to find another job. I am living in ‘our home’ but he is gone Monday through Friday, working – he is an over the road truck driver. When he does come home on the weekends he is ‘out with the guys’ and does not include me in any of them. I decided last week that I am indeed done but my question is this – while I do still love him – I no longer respect him but I have no where else to go until I can get a job and get back out there on my own. What now?? My entire life is on hold because of all of this. I am so sorry that this is so long but any help that you can offer would be so greatly appreciated as I can feel myself falling deeper and deeper into a black hole of depression. I am also terrified of being back out there on my own – alone even though I am totally alone now.

  13.  #13Sarah on November 13, 2008 at 5:54 am

    Is this because guys have built in “dont like spending a lot of time/effort on the girl im seeing” function. So they like women who are busy with themselves so that they dont need to do so much work and have more space?

  14.  #14susan on March 23, 2009 at 1:49 am

    I have a question: how do you make him feel safe with you and open up to you without turning into his mom?

    My ex and I talked a lot about everything, and I believed that he would talk to me about anything and everything on his mind. However, I struggled between being supportive and not wanting to turn into his mom/friend/counsellor. Clearly, I didn’t get things right as we are no longer together..

  15.  #15Pooja on June 8, 2009 at 11:49 am

    That’s a great question, Susan. I also kind of was in that role with my ex. I ended up being a counsellor to him but his issues never got better =P I sense that the current guy I like is a little hesitant to get into a relationship with me (or anyone??) because of some hurt he experienced in the past. He’s also not very comfortable in expressing his feelings. If he lets anything out he quickly changes the subject. Now he gave me the BS speech about “not being ready to settle down”. He said maybe it’s not in his nature or something… I realise now (after reading Rori’s articles) that this was because I had come on a little too strong too soon (I had been pushing him to meet me and I think he saw that as me trying to define the relationship before he was ready). I’m now trying to fix that but I’m not sure how since we’re not even in the same city. It’s proving to be more difficult… good news is, I’ll be visiting his city on 20th so at least I can practise some of this then (and shortly after that I would be moving there.. not for him, just because my family lives there). But until then, i just really don’t know what to do to make him feel safe to be with me (without being like a counsellor/friend/mom) and to let him know I’m not some desperate, clingy, needy girl. Any advice?? I’d really appreciate it. Thanks!

  16.  #16Rori Raye on June 8, 2009 at 3:27 pm

    Pooja, Welcome – and here’s my take. It is absolutely impossible to ‘come off” as NOT desperate, clingy, needy girl when you CARE so much about what happens here. Your whole ‘vibe” will give you away. You are way too excited about going to his city, way to excited about him. Again – Circular Dating is my prescription – let’s talk about how we can get your focus off of him, and get you to be open to men who live NEAR you (while he’s figuring his stuff out). Love, Rori

  17.  #17susan on June 15, 2009 at 1:30 pm

    What can one do about a man who is wonderful in many respects, but who shows signs of emotional immaturity?

  18.  #18Rori Raye on June 16, 2009 at 11:04 am

    Susan, depends how that “immaturity” shows up, and how it affects you. Let us know more…Rori

  19.  #19Pooja on June 16, 2009 at 11:09 am

    That’s very true, Rori.. thanks so much for your advice. I am doing circular dating more now, after reading what you had said about it. It totally makes sense. It’s just SO hard to stop caring about him! lol But I am trying and I’ve met a few nice guys so far… we’ll see what happens with all of this. =)

  20.  #20susan on June 16, 2009 at 3:18 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I feel that the immaturity shows up because he seems to have an idealized view of what relationships should be about i.e. “fun” all the time, should require “no work or effort”. I don’t know whether he’ll stick by me if something bad should happen… I am not in a relationship because I want security or support against potential difficult times, but I do want to be able to trust that he is not going to walk out. I don’t know how to communicate with him when he is like this, because I want to respect/acknowledge both his feelings and my own… any advice?

  21.  #21Carly on August 8, 2012 at 11:27 am

    Alias girl. I feel as if i’m reading about myself reading your posts. I’m currently at the stage (after months of reading rori’s blog and going through the ebook) where I am continually swinging between Rage, Depression, Obsession, hopefulness, self love, low self and around again! I’ve never been anybody’s beyond a sexual thing. All I’ve ever wanted is to be somebody’s one and only. I get frightened that time will run out (I’m 33). Ive gotten myself into seeing a man who can’t commit and I’m totally obsessed with him. It’s a typical pattern of mine to home in on the man who keeps me running to a place I can never get to. I hope I reach where you are at soon. And I hope you find that special somebody 🙂