Help For A Man! – From Natalina Love

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The Question:

Yes – My wife simply doesn’t want to kiss, or be physically intimate for years – her go to is avoidance and “safe” distance behind her walls – while my love language is physical touch.

She gives affection to the dogs and kids, and attention to everything else (easy to have total control over those relationships) – but that risky personal vulnerability is something to be avoided and kept at arms distance. It didn’t start out that way but once we had the kids – little by little, more distance, less connection until we are verbally affectionate roommates hold hold hands and trade peck kisses without any passion at all.

At times it’s like living with a mannequin

The Answer From Natalina Love:

I’m glad you’re here asking these difficult questions, and I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this painful disconnection. I’d say you’ve hit the nail on the head here with your observation about vulnerability being something to be avoided.

That’s true for all of us.

Vulnerability is tough territory to navigate even when you’re committed completely to working through your stuff, have a personal coach and/or therapist and welcome the triggers as they show up.

Vulnerability its NOT easy yet still very work-with-able.

Alright, If you’re my private client I might ask you what happens with you when you experience her avoidance and the walls going up.

Do you also retreat, say something to draw attention to her unavailability, do you dig in deeper trying to help draw her out…

Notice what this is like for you, how this lands for you and we can continue to build space for more connection, safety, and intimacy to naturally unfold.

If you can be patient and shift your focus to the energy exchange in your home, in your relationship for even just the next two weeks, I’d expect significant shifts become apparent.

More ease. More smiling. Less defenseless, even just in the stance…

This can be a wonderful opportunity to court her and fall in love all over again.

We can all lose ourselves over time and we don’t have to stay lost, and it’s wonderful she’s got you reaching out to catch her when she’s ready.

Something else worth talking about, the need for touch and physical affection. How you’re getting your needs met.

Knowing you’re not starved, and not seeking solutions outside your marriage may be one of these touchy areas, I’ve trained brilliant coaches who specialize in intimacy and I’d be happy to introduce you if you’d like to explore private coaching, the idea is to gather resources.

Ways to keep you happy, keep space open for the rebuilding you both really want in your relationship.

I’ve had some of my own private clients take lotions, oils, self care items and really take care of themselves right there in the same room with their significant other and this may be too much so early on, again the idea is to get the ball rolling with ideas, inspiration, and create more space and the sense of safety where there’s no pressure for her to fill the need, where she’s not getting the vibe that you’re mad and blaming her, and I realize you may really be upset and hurting here, so not paving over what you feel either and finding ways to own up to everything you’re experience where over time (and more quickly than you’d think) you’ll naturally be able to invite her in and see bit by bit what’s going on for her, and build more pathways to what’s going on in her world, dreams, passions and bring the intimacy you want back and perhaps even better than it’s ever been before.

Love, Natalina

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