He’s Just Not That Into You – Ginnifer Goodwin And Desire

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For Ginnifer Goodwin’s character, I was torn between two words: Desire and Determination.

Desire feels good, it’s sexy.

Determination feels masculine – and yet that’s what made her character so singular and charming – her refusal to give up on her dreams, her determination to get what she wanted even if it meant hearing the truth from a man – the ugly, painful truth – over and over again.

She listened, she learned, she put herself out there, she experimented, she grew.

So let’s call this Tool “Determination in the service of Desire”:

1. Write out what you want.  Write it with DESIRE.

NOT some small, immediate goal like – I want him to call more often – in fact, absolutely NOTHING about a specific man – but like “I Desire that feeling of being touched and loved and at ease with myself.” “I Desire that feeling of security and comfort and excitement and being ‘first’ in a relationship.”

2. Now – feel what that Desire feels like.  Use the Riff Tool if you like – to stay focused on your body sensations and stay out of your thoughts.

See if you can turn yourself on with your Desire.

Notice if you’re fighting your Desire or pushing and leaning forward into it – or SINKING DOWN INTO IT (what I want for you…)


3. Add in some Determination.

See if you can formulate that in your mind without tightening your body.

It might feel tricky – like every time you move to an “I want this and I won’t stop wanting it, so I’m willing to experience and experiment and love myself like crazy until it shows up…” mindset, you trigger yourself into a spinning of the head.

So – just keep talking to yourself over and over, until you feel a pleasant tingle of Desire for your Determination!

Yep – see if you can sink down into your Determination – so it feels like a rock in you instead of a motor running…

…like this plant is sinking down into the soil…

Go ahead and imagine yourself holding yourself in your hands, like in this picture, and allowing yourself to sink down into the nurturing soil, to root yourself, to plant yourself…

4. Try it out there in the world.

Whenever you feel your motor running and your head spinning and find yourself Leaning Forward into something, locate your Desire and Determination, sink INTO them, and see if you can allow yourself to feel PLEASURE at the solid, rock-like, tree-like energy in you that is this Determination that comes from your Desire.

The Ginnifer Goodwin character actually throws herself at the Justin Long character – once.

And then, she learns.  She expresses her Determination and her Desire to him from a very clear place, and then she Circular Dates until – when he finally shows up – she’s Leaned Back.

She’s SUNK IN – very sure of her Desire and very Determined to see it through.

This is a very positive, happy image for me – I hope it works well for you, too.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Daria on March 9, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    Aack… wonderful… I want to apply this tool!

    I just heard from my God-sister that my old guy I used to pine for asked about me. He said what’s been going on with me, I haven’t been calling him (Check!). She told him I am not speaking to him right now and I am probably upset about the money he owes me (well sorta, I coulda went into an oh no you didn’t say that dang that sounds bad spin but I STOPPED myself). It does not matter if what she said is not perfectly on track with what I feel… I am here, he knows my number, he can call me and I (HOPE) I can tell him how I feel in person. He has also asked one of our mutual guy friends about me. He has not however called me. I felt giddy and excited and then SCARED because I feel scared of sharing my true feelings, which are that I feel confused, I feel scared, I LOVE him and that feels scary. It feels scary because I don’t want to push him away. I know I have done a lot of Rori work but I feel so scared in this instance, I am making this man the one, he was the one that got me so desperate that I looked for help online… No he wasn’t. That was me. I felt desperate for another man before him. Good. It is about me. I am brave and I love myself. I can express that and even take anohter heartbreak if he steps up and then steps away. I don’t want heartbreak. I want heartburst with joy! And that feels smily. I feel desire. I feel determination for my desire. It is like feeling dignity.

    Give me a second, minute, a time space…

    I have imagined him coming back to me so many times, saying he is sorry, claiming me. Good. That is very law of attractiony… I have stayed open to all men and especially to the IDEA of another man. Good again. Letting go. I am doing well… can I receive what is coming.? I want to. I want to be able to receive my happiness… to stand for it… I am sure again that I will receive it…

    that feels like my eyes lighting up and yes my heart feeling a little squeeze and a lean forward engrossed feeling wihta smile on my face…? yes it does… that’s ok… I want to lean back a little because Rori says so… and that feels like open mouth, like shakiness, and FEAR… and excitement and more smiling… and feeling like checking out with goodnesss in me that rolls out the top of my head and throws my head back and it feels goood…

    I Love how Rori worded these desires

    “I Desire that feeling of being touched and loved and at ease with myself.” “I Desire that feeling of security and comfort and excitement and being ‘first’ in a relationship.”

    I desire that… even though I don’t “know” what that’s like maybe I can FEEL it. It feels like sunshine for the first and like nightime dancing for the second. I feel so excited I am shaking… and now I am going to add in the Determination.

    And taht feels like sigh… like a rock has sunk in and held down my happiness from getting away, like it will not fly away, like a heavy beautiful paper holder. It feels like less shaking and more relief, yet still tightening from excitement in my cheeks, and in my sides of my abdomen… I love this feeling. mmm. I feel good. I feel a little shaky and good. I feel excited. And I want to feel grateful and I do.

    I still feel angry at my dad from this morning. want to add that because my voice says so. Thank you voice. I want to believe that I will have a wonderful relationship ANYWAY. AND that my parents and my relationship will feel good, easy, loving, deep. Woo. It does feel deep, it feels deep dramatic and exciting, good to put on tv or ina book.. thank you for that. I now add in love, great communication skills, and EASE and FREEDOM, and BLOSSOMING. Thank you. I know that will change it. Maybe it might tone down some of the drama, and that is ok. Thank you .

    I feel shaky and good. I love my beautiful determination paperweight, and I love my fluttery, passionate, romantic desires.

  2.  #2alias girl on March 9, 2009 at 4:24 pm

    i feel overwhelmed. i feel ill equipped to truly handle what i say i want. i feel enormous compassion for my exes. i feel i have become a man in the way my mind arranges this whole romantic stuff.

    i like the way rori describes ways of approaching things.

    some of my desires:

    being touched in a loving and senual manner
    feeling wanted
    feeling adored
    feeling cared for
    planned dates with what i might like in mind
    feeling romanced
    feeling safe
    feeling excitement
    feeling respected (yo man trait/desire here)
    feeling light, fun
    feeling comfortable, at ease with myself
    feeling like a priority
    feeling turned on

    i <3 siren island.

  3.  #3Ann on March 9, 2009 at 5:20 pm

    I desire the feeling of feeling comfortable in my own skin. I desire attention. I desire the feeling
    of like I’m number 1. I desire to feel adored and wanted.

    I’m determined to continue my growth and enjoy more and more of the feel good moments I’m having.

  4.  #4Linmayu on March 9, 2009 at 5:43 pm

    I desire that special feeling of being loved and desired and cherished and cared for by a strong, loyal, masculine man who I can respect. I desire the feeling of being excited intellectually, feeling safe and protected emotionally, and aroused to the limit sexually.

    I desire the feeling of that man looking deeply into my eyes with a love stronger than death. I desire the feeling of being stripped bare, vulnerable, completely known–and the feeling of knowing the effect this has on a man.

    I desire the feeling of implicit trust and assured love.

    I have felt my determination for quite some time and yes, it did at first feel like a motor running at full speed. Now, it doesn’t quite feel like a rock, but more like roots and branches. Anchored in the earth, yet having a deep, wide, high reach. Welcoming in energy from the earth and the sky. I love that feeling so hard.

  5.  #5alias girl on March 9, 2009 at 7:06 pm

    it’s not a date til it’s a date. if a guy says, hey how about wednesday and i say great what time and i don’t hear back from him. i am not Committed to wednesday. in fact, i feel my wednesday has just been booked by a bubble bath and rose petals. how about maybe sat afternoon or next tues?

  6.  #6Linmayu on March 9, 2009 at 8:28 pm

    Yeah Alias Girl, what’s up with that…? I can’t even count the number of times men have dropped that ball with me…I make time for the ones who follow through.

  7.  #7alias girl on March 10, 2009 at 12:37 am

    i feel bad when i know men are lying to me or playing lame games. i honestly don’t feel like i have the tolerance for it. so i cut’em off. and they come running back full of excuses and it just feels so weird and off and bad to me. i can tell their lying and i don’t have the patience for it. ick ick ick. i feel dirty from some of these men.

    i called you. (there is no record in myphone of call from that number) he writes that it went straight to voicemail (there is no voicemail) well now you have my number and then he writes it out 333-333-3333. (really dickbreath bc if you truly had called me. i’d have the number in my phone. or a voicemail) ewewewewewewewew. as if now i’m going to call him. this man is thirty something years old. the energy feels dirty and toxic to me. here’s how i programmed him in my phone. jeffpofliar. jeff. from pof. liar.

    yes, some may read this as man bashing. but perhaps men like jeff need a good bashing.

    i feel amused. i feel practically untouched. i feel i am learning. thank you jeffpofliar. thank you for being in my army of men. thank you for showing up for me the way you did. thank you for validating my goddessesness. thank you.i feel grateful.

  8.  #8alias girl on March 10, 2009 at 12:47 am

    i feel compassionless for jeffpofliar. jeff probably has had a hard time in the love arena and trusting and being intimate with people. jeffpofliar is overcompensating for some sort of inner turmoil. it has nothing to do with me. he is not singling me out to lie to and be toxic with. he is being his toxic self and hoping someone bites like they have in the past and they can play out their little toxic drama until the pain becomes too much and they part ways.

    i feel more compassion now.

    but i’m still not even .0001 % interested. blech.

    i feel excited about other men i am emailing with. men who seem more kind. less games. still games but games i understand, like and have compassion and understanding for.

    i feel blemished sharing so much about my self on this blog. i also feel free doing it. i feel like i have nothing to hide and be damned what people think of me. i feel free.

  9.  #9alias girl on March 10, 2009 at 1:17 am


    to interact with men who feel as strong as the tree trunk of a 300 year old tree.

    to feel desired by a man of integrity and respect who is also light and fun.

    to converse with people who mean what they say and say what they mean (unless we are bantering and having fun and kidding around) but when it comes to important things their word is golden

    to be adored and desired.

    to be attracted to men who DESIRE monogamy.

    plus all the other things in my first list above. mmmm. this stuff feels so good. desire is such a great sensual passionate word. mmm. and yes i can have Desire for truthful, fun connections. and that desire can feel really good. i feel a deep breath.i feel excited strong energy in my body.

  10.  #10Linmayu on March 10, 2009 at 11:40 pm

    I feel amused by the term “dickbreath.”

    Also, it occurs to me that as a young woman I was EXACTLY like the Ginnifer Goodwin character. I can’t begin to count the number of guys I pursued who weren’t into me before I figured out that this was a losing strategy. And yeah, I was determined to have a decent man no matter what, and to keep putting myself out there until it happened.

    Now I’m somewhat less willing to put myself out there in THAT kind of way…those experiments have already been done. I’m on to new experiments.

  11.  #11Dorothea on March 11, 2009 at 7:11 am

    I am finally watching this movie but at home and in parts. I wanted in on the secret:P. There is this website that calls itself project free tv that has the film posted in full and for free:)

    I realize that I used to be just like Goodwin’s character too! All of my girlfriends are still pretty much in that role. I feel like we were told along the way that this is how we are supposed to be. Goodwin and my girlfriends are stuck in that paradigm.

    I feel so grateful to have shaken that mindset off. At first it was scary but in the end I get the results I want. It felt like giving up control at first, and one good lesson in love and life is that giving up control is often a great way to feel in control again. I would go into this more but my doorbell is ringing like crazy. Hope it’s the Publisher’s Clearing House!!

  12.  #12Linda G on March 12, 2009 at 3:47 am

    What is the best, most sirene-y course of action to take when a man we have been flirting with online travels hundeds of miles to see us, well me? The communication has been so charged, that I am excited and at the same time apprehensive about meeting him for the first time. I am afraid he will expect a more intimate response than I am prepared to give, what if he doesn’t like me, or I him? It feels so sexy to have made this type of connection, imaginary as it is, but I want to be able to ease into it, yet at the same time be adventurous and experimental about it. Try to go into it without trying to control the outcome, yet not let it get away from me in that I fall hard based on a strictly chemical reaction, although that would be new even after all the dozens of men I have met, all good guys lately, yet I’m not turned on by them. Also, what happens if we meet and it just “isn’t”? I have jus received Targeting Mr Right, so I am doing my best, some crisis intervention, please. Linda G