He’s Just Not That Into You – The Drew Barrymore Character

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For me, the Drew Barrymore character here was all about Hope. (Again – Spoiler alert – I tell it all, so see the movie first…)

She was confused, challenged by the same limited understanding of men and relationships that we’ve all suffered with, made worse by all the social networking alternatives and ways of contacting – and still willing to hope.

In the end, when she meets Mr. Right – it’s not because she’s trying to pick up a guy – it’s because she has a genuine business and personal connection with this man she’s never met before, but who she recognizes from his picture.

So – how do you stay smiling and hopeful when possibility after possibility drops away?

1. Take inventory.

That means – go around your home, take a look at and write down what’s great about where you are RIGHT NOW in your life.  Find the good stuff.

AND – toss out the not-so-good.  This means clutter.

If you’re going to be hopeful, you have to clear out your brains and your environment, because it’s so easy to get sidetracked and distracted from your mission when everything looks like a “shiny new object” and everything looks like an opportunity.

So – DE-CLUTTER.  Now.

Go to one drawer or one tabletop or one desk or one surface, and start throwing things away you don’t either love or need.  Everything.  If you’re not sure, put it in one place with everything else you’re not sure about.

Do this especially in your drawers and closet.  Holding onto ANYTHING that’s no longer holding a promise of looking good on you, being in style, or a color you actually adore on you is bad for Hope.

You can take it one room at a time, or one section at a time, or one drawer at time – do the thing you feel most moved to do – the thing that seems most fun and like you could work through the quickest.

You can make a list – or just go by feel – but…and this is important…DON’T GIVE UP.

You’re going to build hope in your own house by absolutely committing to finishing the job, clearing the decks, making room for…whatever shows up.

Now…

2. Go shopping.

This means food, necessities, and one pretty thing that’s very inexpensive, like a new pair of panties.

I want you to look around at all the things, all the colors, all the packages, all the so many things you could not even keep track of, and see this all as opportunity.  See that there are things in the store you can’t see from where you’re standing.  that from the egg section you can’t see the olives, and from the lingerie section you can’t see the shoes.

Essentially – all you can do is HOPE that there are olives and shoes.

Now…Buy a piece of poster board, a glue stick or tape, and if you don’t have any old magazines at home, buy one that has great pictures of things you want.

3. Go home and declutter some more, and then make a vision board.

That’s pretty simple – you take the magazine apart, cut out pictures and words that move you and glue them or tape them on the poster board.

Make it pretty.

There are lots of interesting ways to make it – a feng-shui way, a triggering way – let’s just make this a HOPE way – with no ideas about “manifesting” or making it happen.

Just look at it like a lovely vision and something you want, and enjoy it as much as you possibly can.

Put it somewhere you can see it all the time – and really imagine what it would be like to have each and every thing on it – to live that life…

Smile at it.

If you start feeling complaining and upset coming up because you don’t yet have all these things – just smile at yourself and the vision board, tilt your head, and say – I will!

Try it – think of the Drew Barrymore character and her happy ending.  I know you will have your Happy Ever After, too.

Love, Rori

38 Comments

  1.  #1Ann on March 17, 2009 at 12:04 am

    I’ve been doing some decluttering lately. It feels so much freeier when I get rid of things I no longer need or want.

    I went shopping last month and got lots of new clothes including under clothes. I only wear clothes that I feel good in.

    I’ve been thinking about doing a vision board for awhile but haven’t yet. I look forward to reading what others have or are going to put on their vision boards.



  2.  #2Aggy on March 17, 2009 at 3:03 am

    The vision board thing, I just imagined it and it made me feel real good…. mmhh I will have it!
    that feels nice
    Thanks Rori!



  3.  #3nir on March 17, 2009 at 8:17 am

    These are such good ideas … I really like the vision board a lot.



  4.  #4Daria on March 17, 2009 at 3:56 pm

    OK Goddess down! I have been hit in an underhanded move!!

    This guy that I met online and hung out with a few times told me that he doesn’t know what to think about me, that it’s weird that I don’t call guys and that it’s like I’m a robot or something

    I responded in feeling messages

    then he says… “Im sure that’s not the first time you’ve heard that it’s like you’re EMOTIONLESS or something”

    WHAT????

    EMOTIONLESS????

    me??????

    but he just commented on how I always say I feel something….

    EMOTIONLESS???

    WTF?

    I mean no, people have not told me I’m emotionless before…

    WTF???

    maybe he’s just having a weird expression day

    BUT…

    still… he’s a man… and he says

    its like im EMOTIONLESS???

    how do you complain about someone saying they feel stuff and in the next message tell them they’re EMOTIONLESS?

    I FEEL FURROWED BROW AND RAGE!!! I LOVE MY RAGE!!! I LOVE MY SHAME AND MY DOUBT… THANK YOU… I FEEL SAD… I FEEL SHOCKED… I FEEL FEARFUL… I FEEL SAD… I LOVE MYSELF… I WANT TO BUT RIGHT NOW I FEEL SO MUCH ANGER… AND I WANT TO LOVE MY ANGER TOO…

    I FEEL BAD



  5.  #5Linmayu on March 17, 2009 at 10:09 pm

    Add another Goddess to the pile on the floor. The guy I mentioned, who wrote me an angry message about my not responding to him quickly enough, well, I responded to him with feeling messages and saying I didn’t want to meet him anymore–he wrote me back an even angrier message and then blocked me, so I couldn’t tell him to stop writing to me. Thankfully he stopped after that but I felt angry for 2 days.

    I think that Feeling Messages are magic–they’ll get Mr. Right to fall in love with us, and they’ll get all the Mr. Wrongs to show us just HOW wrong they are by acting badly–and then this gives us an opportunity to feel more stuff and grow in depth and become even more desirable.

    *mock-wrestles Daria*



  6.  #6Rori Raye on March 17, 2009 at 10:15 pm

    Hi, I’ve seen this angry behavior before…it’s very interesting that it came up for you – what a therapeutic messenger moment! It’s an opportunity for you to look at how you might be stuffing down your anger with men – and once you get that and learn to express it in ways that make you feel good and powerful – you won’t see that kind of thing again. Love, Rori



  7.  #7alias girl on March 17, 2009 at 11:31 pm

    ;( goddess #3 is down as well.

    i have Eliminated all suitors for Poor Behavior. they all keep coming back but i feel grossed out by them and shut down by them. i basically have no profile up on the dating site. i just feel devastated.

    also i have an Enormous amount of anger. (rage when it comes to men and my boss.) well no, rage across the board, i guess. the good news. i no longer feel depressed!! or frozen!! or even anxious!! (except when i wake up still)

    so yae. all these things that were muting my anger are gone. and now i feel intense Rage. most especially for my boss.

    also i had an angry guy flip out on me in a most Toxic and Frightening way when i told him i didn’twant to meet. i emailed back and said i felt attacked without warrant. i felt confused. i felt bad reading his words. and i didn’t want a man who was verbally abusive. and more but i don’t remember the rest. he wrote back and gave an almost apology. but at least he showed up as a human being again. and i wrote back and i told him i appreciated his email. but ack. cicrular dating has been really really hard on my sensitive soul. i really feel like i’ve almost built up armor rather than become open and vulnerable.

    i feel sad about that. yeah. i feel sad.

    anyway linmayu at least you broke a couple hearts. that’s good goddess training.

    and daria i feel amused by your army of MAN. 🙂 i have no advice or insights to offer but i enjoy reading your adventures and learn from them.

    ANN GOT FIRST POST! i must’ve been sleeping to have been so slow on the draw. 🙂



  8.  #8alias girl on March 17, 2009 at 11:57 pm

    also i didn’t mention this but i had the weirdest experience last week. it was that night i felt intense anxiety. and i was trying to track the feelings and track the energy and sensations in my body and it kept feeling like this energy from the outside like someone was trying to put this black body bag over my head. i know it sounds really really out there. believe me i know. and i kept try to follow the energy but i was fighting against the black bag coming over my head and being zippered down. and then that image went away and i just felt all this intense energy discharging from my body and i don’t think i have ever felt so horrible in my life. i felt like i was going to die. and finally i just got so tired of feeling that way that i was just like ok,let me die then bc i can’t fight this anymore. and i can’t even explain it. luckily i finally fell asleep and ever since then that buzzing screen of fear that used to be in my chest has disappeared.

    so two conditions i have lived with MY ENTIRE LIFE. to the setriment of leading a full life in my opinion. but my over worked adrenals and fight response has normalized. and that god awful buzzing screen og fear that lived in my chest is gone. pretty amazing.

    now all i have is homocidal rage towards my boss and disdainful rage towards men i find attractive. yae. i feel excited to exorcise this overactivated condition as well.

    i am becoming who i always wanted to be. my life will adjust to my godessesness. it feels inevitable.



  9.  #9Linda G on March 18, 2009 at 5:14 am

    What is the proper Diva response to a man who emails to cancel a long planned date, who was coming several hundred miles for that first meeting. He said he caught flu, would write again when better, we could reschedule 2-3 weeks away. We have had a torrid email correspondence for a couple of months.
    Yes, I know, a long distance guy is not even in the rwoboat, let alone one I haven’t met yet. I periodically come acroos guys cancelling when plans were “big”. How should I best react?
    Linda



  10.  #10DocK on March 18, 2009 at 6:44 am

    Reading posts on anger and rage – so appropriate today. Listening to 2 co-workers YELLING over each other (male and female) all I could think is if she just stood there and felt whatever she was feeling until he shut up and then said something like, “I feel icky when I am yelled at and feel frustrated when I can’t be heard” followed by, “I don’t want to be yelled at, I want to speak and be listened to.” I don’t know if that’s the way it is supposed to go or if it would make a difference between the recurring dynamics of these 2.

    I need help from Rori on this on how to say this.

    I just know that listening to them yelling and I am at work, I feel angry and feel like crying but I feel so happy that I had already asked to leave at noon to honor myself by going home and sitting on my balcony, looking at the beautiful trees and feeling the sunshine.



  11.  #11micki on March 18, 2009 at 8:59 am

    Last night my husband threw a hissy fit (it started with our son who who has been having some trouble with his homework) and when I tried to talk to him he would NOT listen – kept cutting me off, telling me “I don’t want to hear it” and that he already knew what I had to say. I know more about what’s going on with my son’s school work than he does, but he had his mind made up about it. He made me so angry and I realized I was never going to get him to listen so I clammed up. Later he tried to be extra nice (his way of “apologizing”), took me out to a neighborhood bar to get a couple of drinks, but I was just seething inside. Sat there at the bar and barely spoke to him the whole evening…then we come home and he’s all over me and wants to make love. Blech. That just made me angrier with him and pull away even more.

    I said he’s been trying, which he has, but last night was a major slip up on his part. I don’t know how to handle it when he doesn’t listen – a bad, bad habit of his. It’s the same routine….he interrupts, cuts me off, yells. Then I start yelling because I want to be HEARD…but of course that never works anyway. The only response I have is to give him the silent treatment…and it’s not really conscious, it just happens because I get so mad. It’s so frustrating not to be listened to.



  12.  #12Daria on March 18, 2009 at 10:04 am

    miki I feel really triggered reading what you wrote. It sounds a lot like what I see my parents going through.

    I just had an idea from Rori’s work. To say I don’t feel comfortable being yelled at. I feel angry.

    And… Leave the Room

    this last part seems important when he is not listening… also if he follows you maybe you can leave the house altogether

    I feel interested to see what Rori would say…



  13.  #13Sarah on March 18, 2009 at 10:57 am

    Hey Micki,

    You said this is a pattern right. Well today I heard Rori’s interview with C. Carter and they were talking about stuff related to this. Anyway the main point is that when you guys are fighting and since this is a pattern you have to breathe and relax and let go and think “what is the best thing to do that will serve this relationship in the best way”. Now my take on this is that you have to relax and feel what you are feeling properly without yelling. You then have to let him know in a way he will hear you and at this moment the only way is to be calm and be nice so that he hears you and the situation serves you in the best way (being heard without being yelled at). Just use I feels like what Daria said. And since this keeps repeating your husband would probably not understand or be nice at first (according to the interview) but I guess he will improve once he realises you are being authentic. What do you think Rori?



  14.  #14Linmayu on March 18, 2009 at 2:47 pm

    Wow, anger all around…must be something in the water–or something getting ready to shift in the Goddess universe.

    I did a bad thing today…my ex and I have been emailing back and forth regarding some issues with an online game I used to play, and I was so triggered by something he said, I went all out and gave him like 5 feeling messages about my feeling disrespected about how he chose to handle our relationship (not in those words). As I was writing I asked myself what was driving me so strongly to express all this stuff to him given that past experience shows that he’d ignore it or not give me a satisfactory answer. What came up was exactly that–i want to feel heard, and always have wanted to, and never have really felt it. I said this to him–not half as eloquently as I’ve just said here, and also said that I wanted some kind of response/apology/consideration for the wounds I’m left with. Was this uncalled for? Was it trying to make him responsible for my feelings, or was it asking for something that I knew deep inside that I wanted? I don’t know. Maybe a little of both.

    AG, I am so glad to hear that you don’t feel depressed or frozen or anxious anymore. I still feel those things, but less and less as time goes by and I let more of it melt.

    Micki, wow, what a hard, awful situation, with a man who won’t listen! I’m going to meddle here so feel free to disregard. I’d have done as you did, and then when he tried to make up I’d have said something like “I feel angry. I want to be listened to and I don’t feel that.” And then see what he says.

    I think this is worth trying, regardless of whether or not you still want to give the man a chance…the way he responds will tell you something.



  15.  #15Liz on March 18, 2009 at 3:48 pm

    Some great replies up above! Interesting triggers vis a vis the anger and being heard that I know I can relate to. Let’s me visual my triggers and how I may try to respond better for me now.
    And, I feel simpatico as a Goddess (#4) being down here too. My 1.5 year beau and I broke up at end of January in a real horrible-feeling late night fight (superfically about me not being interested in late night drunk sex) with unkind words said on both our ends and we haven’t communicated at all since. While maybe for the best, there’s no denying it feels very weird and I feel surprised there has been no contact. I’m remaining in “no contact” mode as a way of leaning back for me despite feeling a bit compelled to contact him regarding some outstanding issues on $600 owed to me, some of his stuff at my place, etc, so that I can “eliminate” those items in my head that still kinda keep a “connected” feeling going on my end.
    Anyway, in the meantime I’ve tried online dating as a way to circular date, which i think would be a great approach for me right now, and am coming up 100% empty-handed…I’m anxious to practice these tools on live people who are potential dates (versus the store clerk or colleagues, which i’ve also been doing). I feel depressed!…I’m a great gal/goddess, nice looking pix, athletic, blah, blah and nearly 600 people have viewed my profile and I haven’t gotten one email I feel intrigued by from a person who lives within 300 miles of me (I’m in DC and the ones who actually contact me all seem to live many states away in rural towns)…..I’ve pro-actively emailed about 30 guys, and used an email template I saw mentioned in a post here a few weeks ago and still to no avail. I feel totally curious about what type of online gals the guys I find attractive/interesting profiles are actually getting in touch with….if not me, who? A bit of a rant that may not be solved via this forum, but it feels good to get it out of me physically. Cheers!



  16.  #16Linmayu on March 18, 2009 at 9:43 pm

    Rori, thanks for the heads up on the angry messenger thing. Today I got to experience more of that. Men at work were laughing about domestic violence, and saying “yeah buddy, 1 woman at home and 1 at work, that’s the American Dream!” And that’s been so pervasive throughout my life. Wherever I am, whenever I hear men talk, all they seem to say is asshole things like that.

    I felt unsafe, and I felt angry, and I felt like I could not say anything to these men because they were bigger than me, more dominant than me, weren’t talking to me to begin with, and wouldn’t listen to me even if I did say something. I feel angry and trapped. I feel like they’d listen to me if I were tall and thin and blonde and they wanted to sleep with me–maybe they’d listen to me only long enough to get me in bed, but hey, that means they’d listen forever, because I don’t sleep with coworkers.

    I mean, can you say anything at all in response to a conversation you’re not even part of? Now that I think about it, I don’t want to subject myself to that kind of talk, at work or anywhere. I suddenly understand what “hostile work environment” under the sexual harassment laws means.

    Blargh. I feel angry. And I feel like speaking up the next time a man says something stupid like that in my presence.



  17.  #17Linmayu on March 18, 2009 at 11:07 pm

    Liz, when it comes to proactively emailing guys, my response rate is like 1/20 and then the number of those who stick is another 1/20. So, sending 400 emails to meet one worthwhile man…I can see why Rori recommends not being proactive.

    I imagine your results are better than mine at least.



  18.  #18alias girl on March 19, 2009 at 12:40 am

    so i gave my number to the cashier guy. the nexy morning he texts me and says here’s my number call when you want. not exactly turn me on city as anyone who reads my comments knows.

    so i text him back and say thanks, i will. i feel happy you called. (i should have wrote texted but i made a mistake)

    i’m so so interested in him. i decide i’m going to CALL HIM. hah! i Love this idea because it’s experimental for me and i want to see what will happen. i call him that eve and say hey it’s me alias girl. call back if you want but please don’t call me past ten bc i feel weird about that.

    he Texts me back a few minutes later. total ugh. i text him back. boring blah blah. then after about four texts he just drops off.

    okey dokey.

    i mean, in all fairness, the guy has no idea who he’s dealing with. am i this desparate woman who gives her # and then makes the first call?

    well no, the answer to that would be no. but he doesn’t know this yet.

    so i deprogram him out of my phone bc as far as i’m concerned he’s not a man i am interested in. or rather his behavior towards me i find unappealing.

    the next day he calls in the middle of the day but leaves no voicemail. ugh again. i don’t respond. i don’t even think about it. it’s like oh whatever.

    tonight he texts me. how r u?

    i text back, who’s this?

    he texts back. lame cahsier guy.

    i text back. oh. wha? i don’t want a man who doesn’t know how to treat a woman.

    he texts back. ?

    i text back. i don’t want a man who stops texting in the middle of a convo with no concern for my feelings. i don’t want a man who texts instead of calls.

    he texts back. i called you but got no response. i didn’t mean to just drop off like that.

    i text back. i don’t want a man who lies or makes excuses.

    he texts back. youl<e got it twisted. i thought you were looking for a friend. i don’t lie. have a good nite.

    i text back. i didn’t say you lie. i was just telling you what i don’t want in a man.

    the end.

    i don’t want to be judged. i am working things out in my own way and i am Very Angry. also i actually feel better being alone right now since i feel safer and i am not getting the affection and adoration and respeect (yes i still want the manly respect). i have drawn severe boundaries with men lately and i actually feel better. it’s My Experiment with my army of Man. and anyway they like it and always come back for more. (remember i tend to like the tough guys ready to spar) i feel uninterested in being treated like i’m being pimped though. i feel 100% uninterested. so i’m experimenting. working it out.



  19.  #19alias girl on March 19, 2009 at 12:42 am

    oh when i wrote soso interested i meant not so much (so so) not SO SO.

    the soso guys are good for experimenting with.actually at this point they all feel like experiments. no distinction.



  20.  #20alias girl on March 19, 2009 at 12:59 am

    in the past i would make excuses for men. i wouldn’t even call them on their behavior. they didn’t have to make excuses. i would make excuses for them and try to be nice and a better woman/catch/lover somehow if enough time went by they would see how great iwas and how great we were together and would come to love me and treat me well.

    well let me be first hand experience person and say THAT DIDN’t happen.

    i just taken taken advantage of and taken for granted.

    so exccuuuuuuse me if i take it to the other extreme for awhile.

    i feel so angry. and i know what is underneath is a big sad feeling.

    is ok. i love my process. i love all my feelings. all my experiments. no mistakes. only experiments.



  21.  #21alias girl on March 19, 2009 at 1:08 am

    i feel like a walking sandwich board sign that says NO.

    NO.

    unless you decide you’d like to treat me like a goddess. and if you don’t know how to do that just join my army of men and i will teach you.

    i feel grateful for my army. how blessed am i to have them to help me smooth out my rough edges. i could not become a goddess without them. and since i have some Very Rough edges how lucky i am to have an army and not just one poor unfortunate man to bump up against.



  22.  #22alias girl on March 19, 2009 at 1:15 am

    yes linmayu i agree that would fall under hostile environment. i would say something.maybe something like hey i feel bad interupting but i don’t really want to listen to mysogynistic banter. maybe you could talk about that stuff after hours at happy hour rather than a shared work enviornment.

    mysogynistic is insulting so maybe not use that triggering insulting blaming word.

    i would say something. i wouldn’t have in the past but i would now. but i think to start out with hey douchebags could you shut it? probably won’t get superior results.



  23.  #23Linmayu on March 19, 2009 at 8:12 am

    And in the middle of all the anger, all the bad treatment, all the bullshit that I’ve been tolerating and am only now realizing I don’t have to tolerate, a man has shown up big-time. He’s the 1 out of 400 from match dot com, lol. I have seen him four times. I have probably mentioned him here. I have not been able to shake him off, even with the I-want-to-be-married-someday and I’m-not-ready-for-exclusivity speeches. He is wonderful. We’ve had amazing conversations; he and I are both very deep and honest individuals; when I’m in his arms I just feel like all is right with the world. I am starting to see how this thing is supposed to work.

    Another man, well, two men, have been showing up online and I decided I’d let them continue talking to me as well, because they “get” me and make me feel good, and I can be completely honest and feel safe with them. I feel better with these 3, regardless of when they drop off, than I did with the constantly rotating door of multitudes. I should say 4 because there is one at work too, even though I don’t sleep with coworkers, his attention feels good and feels like there’s a romantic interest even though we are not acting on it. 4 thoroughly decent men in my life talking to me, and one of them taking me out on dates and being wonderful…that’s not a bad life at all. It feels wonderful to hear things like “you’re by far the most interesting person I’ve met here” or “you’re the only one I’ve met here who seems real” or “I feel safe with you” or “I decided I wanted to be with you.” I feel like I’m this incredibly plain girl–the picture I have posted was an incredibly good day, I am really very plain, in India they call my kind of face a “homely face”–who’s managed to inspire men to treat her like a Goddess. I’m seeing the things Rori said about how looks are not the most important thing, about how men are loyal and brave and strong and wonderful, and I can’t wait to see where this goes.

    My ex? Hasn’t written me back, probably won’t. Pretty on the outside, rotten on the inside. Puhleeze.



  24.  #24Rori Raye on March 19, 2009 at 11:18 am

    Alias Girl – There’s a lot going on here – the anger is wonderful coming up, and I know it feels crappy and it makes it hard to connect with a man and especially hard to have a sense of humor – which is vital at this moment for you to balance the anger.

    Look – this is trauma with a big T speaking. I wish I could help you more specifically in writing – I’ll do an interview soon with a trauma expert – I know that will help.

    Basically – because when you were once a helpless child, or in a helpless moment as an adult – such as an accident or violence done to you – things happened that you could not control, you are in a constant state of either fight, flight or freezing. I go into this in Targeting Mr. Right, and I know that will help you…

    The anger is the FIGHT. This is GOOD. Now – if we could find a way for you to do this therapeutically – with Tools, with awareness as you’re going through this back and forth (every time you feel the fight instinct, you then bounce back to fleeing, then to freezing…and on and on…until the energy is finally released and integrated into your system) – you wouldn’t have to direct your anger at an actual person and then get re-triggered from the outside.

    Think of it as “energy” – and think of that energy as “stuck” – and that punching out is a good way to get it out if you’re in a therapeutic frame of mind, if you’re working on healing yourself – so when you feel angry – try punching the air and breathing, breathing, and then sinking into your feelings even deeper. See what opens up. Only do this a few minutes at a time. If a man triggers you – use it.

    This is the work Emily does…and you can continue to do on your own. This is powerful stuff. Only a bit at a time, baby-steps. You’re doing great.

    Please say “I love you” to yourself constantly. I mean CONSTANTLY.

    Love to you, Rori



  25.  #25Daria on March 19, 2009 at 1:11 pm

    I feel confused… what comes up for me is loneliness… myabe not anger as much… do I have trauma? I can think of lots of little traumas I may have had now… and I mean lots and lots… I feel confused as to what do I do… I already feel I love myself…

    I still feel lonely… I still feel not good enough sometimes… and I am able to hear the compassionate side of me tell me that I love myself and that is good… but I’m not living my dream life

    I hung out wiht the guy who called me emotionless yesterday… I had a really practice session with him… It turns out the “emotionless” and “robot” word was meant to describe what I see as my “cool” demeanor. I feel very enamored of my cool demeanor. I feel safe and superior (sometimes judgemental) from my cool demeanor. I feel very safe, because I am cool, I am IN, I am in style, I am uncriticizable except by people who “don’t get it and don’t matter.”

    Well I told him oh that’s what you’re referring to? It’s a defense I have (IT IS????)

    He was also pronouncing my name in a funny way that felt triggering… I told him I didn’t like it because kids made fun of me for not speaking English in middle school.

    I also think that’s when I came up with my “cool demeanor” because I really really really REALLY wanted to be “popular” and “cool” in middle school, and I felt that I went to a particularly cliquey and mean middle school. I was not popular, just trying to look like it. When people made fun of me I would purposely numb my emotions and get sleepy… which happens now not purposely.

    Since highschool I felt like I am finally “cool.” But part of it is my “cool demeanor” grrrr… so what do I do. I love feeling safe that way but is it really just a defense?

    It’s like being witty… it’s fun, but is it just a defense? Do i NEED it? and if I don’t is it ok to still do it? or is it all to be dropped…

    I really enjoy feeling witty though, and I also enjoy feeling cool…

    I feel confused…

    I have tried to curb both the wittiness and the coolness with men and speak from my feelings, but it feels so delightful when I can connect to a man on a witty level or a “cool” level…

    I feel confused…

    The main point of this which got lost was that I feel lonely… I feel lonely often and I wish that I didn’t… I wish I always had happy laughing people around me to feel good with…

    Also when I don’t know what to do (because I feel lonely, because what I 99% of the time want to DO is go out and be with people that I feel good around)… I go to addictive behaviors like craving smoking…

    For example I am looking outside right now and it looks beautiful and sunny which I usually feel great about… but I don’t know right this moment anyone I can go be outside and connect with, so I feel like oh maybe I can smoke that would feel fun (AHA — could be because often smoking is a social activity for me because I connect with people that way so I am associating it with that??? COULD BE!!!)…

    Anyways what do I do about my loneliness. I will say that I LOVE my loneliness and that feels sad… It feels hopeless… It feels not good enough (to fit in … AHA) … It feels sad

    I love my sadness… and that feels like sighing. and pouty lips… and I love mysighing and pouty lips… and that feels like perkier lips and eyes andn I love my perky feeling lips and eyes… and taht feels like a little smile… and I love my smile and that feels like standing up taller in my chair…

    And I thought of loneliness and now have collapsed again… what does Loneliness mean?



  26.  #26alias girl on March 19, 2009 at 2:13 pm

    rori. thank you for your compassion. sometimes when i get to a really painful place i get prickly and hard edged and usually people respond to that with criticism and ways of trying to control my behavior (which causes me to become even more prickly and standoffish. (and indignant.)

    but you respond with compassion and understanding and i melt and become vulnerable.

    i feel sadness. is ok. i love my sadness.

    loving myself is a very valuable tool. 🙂 thank you for reminding me.

    yes, i am willing to feel all my feelings and move through this. all my life i have been stuck and pushed down. and now it is coming up and i feel grateful. i am still working with emily vanhorn with the somatic trauma release sessions. they are helping alot. she is great.

    thank you for your response. i feel very grateful. i feel very excited for my Targeting Mr Right program to arrive. 🙂



  27.  #27alias girl on March 19, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    daria. i feel good about witty people. not a neccissity for me to feel good around someone but can be a fun trait to be around.

    sometimes when i get too Anything. too witty. too cool. too smart. too rigid. too serious. too focussed on doing things right. sometimes it is just another way to avoid feeling vulnerable. and if i am not vulnerable then i am not truly connecting with people. thus i can be hanging out with people and still feel lonely.

    not sure if that helps. i also have alot of fear around intimacy and closeness and sometimes/often find intolerable. which also leads ot me feeling lonely.

    xxoo. i feel sad when a goddess on siren island is down or lonely.



  28.  #28Daria on March 19, 2009 at 2:31 pm

    Thank you Alias girl… what I’m feeling right now is kind of neutral. I feel neutral and Wishing… for my close friends to call me and (come pick me up!) however more likely (Dissappoint me mindset) for them to call me to invite me to hang out.

    Instead I just got 2 men calling me to invite me to hang out. Which might be ok I feel like going to hang out with one of them although right now I feel more like hanging out with my male friends than my male daters that I don’t know that well. So all that to say taht I’m not sure I feel sadder than usual righ tnow…

    it is when I am delving into my feelings that I am finding all this sadness…

    this vague sense of loneliness and… “I Should be doing something else like being around a group of good friends right now” feeling is with me most of the time, not only right now



  29.  #29Daria on March 19, 2009 at 2:33 pm

    I can totally feel lonely around other people, for example around my parents or people I don’t know that well.

    Mostly only around people from a particular group of friends do I feel connected and it feels so good…

    I want that Feeling all the time!!!



  30.  #30cookie on March 19, 2009 at 3:08 pm

    hello ladies, I’m wondering how do we deal with relationships with females. I believe a friend of mine, or at least i thought we were friends, for the past 12 plus years, just decluttered me. She stopped speaking to me and attributes her distance to her reevaluating who her genuine friends were and weren’t. She blames me for some comments I’ve made when we were teenagers in college and has been holding them against me unknowingly to me. Despite the fact that she hasn’t responded to me or spoken to me in months, I emailed her a couple of weeks ago to congratulate her on her relationship that I noticed on facebook. She has always had issues with commitment so I thought it was great to see her happy to be in a relationship that she was proudly claiming. She responded the other day in a way that really offended me. I know that I was young and didn’t always make the best choices but I have always acted with love in my heart for my friends. I don’t want a friend that judges my life’s journey but I can’t help but feel hurt with how easily it was for her to just drop me like I was trash and reduce our whole relationship to a few moments that happened a long time ago. What does this say about me and the types of people I choose? How do I respond? I feel inclined to say something back, but what would it matter. I’m really tired of people walking away from me. You stopped speaking to another friend of ours and she seems really unaffected. Why does it bother me so? Why do I get so deep into relationships with people that don’t feel mutual? Have any of you ladies been through this?



  31.  #31cookie on March 19, 2009 at 3:26 pm

    Sorry I meant to write she stopped speaking to another friend of ours, not you.



  32.  #32Daria on March 19, 2009 at 9:54 pm

    Hi Cookie… I don’t have any advice except to say that yes, I have been through something like this. A friend I considered close did this to me (not wanting to be my friend anymore). She told me it was because she doesn’t respect me any more because I am not taking my life in a positive direction.

    I think it’s because of a man I used to date pursuing her and perhaps she wanted to get more involved with him than she felt comfortable with being my friend. not sure about that but that is my pretty educated guess.



  33.  #33Daria on March 19, 2009 at 9:54 pm

    Btw we still have not spoken and it’s been 2 years.



  34.  #34Daria on March 19, 2009 at 10:01 pm

    I feel annoyed about it and I feel like I’d probably be expected to “kick her ass” if it turns out to be true, although right now I don’t feel that much rage. In fact I feel glad that if she was messing around with him she stopped being my friend, although I feel sad losing her as a friend.

    I feel ashamed saying that I’d be expected to kick her ass. I feel afraid of Rori and other Goddesses I consider softer.



  35.  #35Daria on March 19, 2009 at 10:03 pm

    BTW I am surprised that no one thought that Drew Barrymore was WRONG for dating a man that used to seriously date and slept with her friend???

    I felt triggered by that, but brushed it off as “I guess it’s ok since Scarlett didn’t like him anyways?”

    I would not necessarily feel it is so ok in my life.



  36.  #36ann on March 20, 2009 at 6:30 pm

    cookie the answer is the same as for men. focus on you first what makes you happy.



  37.  #37Linmayu on March 20, 2009 at 9:32 pm

    It’s funny, I didn’t even think about the fact that Drew dated someone who seriously dated and slept with her friend. It felt like a perfect pairing to me–and yes, I feel that way because at no point did Scarlett actually show *feelings* for that man. To me it seemed like she had him because she could, and it was easy for her to wrap him around her finger, but she didn’t really feel passionate about him. That’s the kind of guy I’d happily pass along to a friend…



  38.  #38Simonn on March 21, 2009 at 6:35 pm

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