He’s Just Not That Into You – The Jennifer Connelly Character Solution

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(Spoiler alert – Don’t read this if you haven’t seen the movie!)

First, I so noticed from all the comments that everyone is triggered in a different way by the different characters.  I noticed that we seem to identify with a character not necessarily by who she is, inside, but by what HAPPENS to her in the film.

If you’ve been betrayed, you identify with Jennifer Connelly.  If you’ve been a vixen, you identify with Scarlett.  If you’ve had wretched luck in relationships, you identify with Ginnifer Goodwin, if you’ve been struggling with dating, you identify with Drew, and if you’ve been with a man a long time without marriage, you identify with Jennifer Aniston.

Well, that helps up to a point – but let’s go deeper into what’s helpful to notice.

Are you a woman who reigns in her emotions?  Who sweeps the uncomfortable under the rug? Who is so uncomfortable with conflict that you’re willing to live on the surface of your life?

Well, that’s the Jennifer Connelly character. She seems smart.  And she’s married.  Just the status of “being married” seems to confer on her the idea of “wisdom” – that she knows what to do and how to be and can offer advice – yet her love life is as unsettled and stuck as any.

What happens to her marriage is actually pretty simple. We’re told this: He (the Bradley Cooper character) married her “before he was ready” because they’d been together for so long, if he didn’t marry her he’d have been a “jerk.”  We don’t know exactly how he feels about her.

We’re shown a mix of loyalty, friendship, admiration, and love for her, but he also seems strangely emotionally detached.  He doesn’t seem an actual part of his own life.  He’s sort of sleepwalking.

So – we’re left to wonder – what did it feel like for the Jennifer Connelly character inside that relationship?

AND – almost ALL of us have experienced this kind of disconnect with a man – so how did that feel, and what happened between them to shift that, or cement it?

And – the most important thing – what, if anything, could she have done to help herself – either to breakthrough and get closer to him, or to simply leave out of a desire for more intimacy with someone more capable?

One word that keeps coming up for me with this character is “stuck,” but I want this to be about strengths, not weaknesses, about help, not stuckness – so let’s go deeper into her qualities.

We watch her struggle with her impulses – one moment she allows her fury to emerge, throwing things, breaking things, and then she immediately feels compelled to clean up and organize and be “reasonable” and “nice.”  Her urge to “fix” and “repair” when she learns she’s been betrayed way overrides her feelings of hurt, anger and pain.

The only moment we see her really let go is with her office friends when she tells the truth about her sexless marriage, but in the next, she’s working to repair that in an assertive way.

We don’t see neediness or desperation – only the horrible tension between her anger and pain and her desire to make everything “okay.”

Finally, it’s catching his small lie about cigarettes that sets her off on her course to herself – and again – it’s a dramatic solution.  The thing to remember here is – HE is the one who first mentions her kicking him out.  Almost as though the whole business with Scarlett was about ending the marriage.

This is an EXTREMELY common thing that happens.  A man who wants out of a relationship, but is not in touch with his feelings and his actual desire to leave, will behave badly so that the woman will throw him out.  That’s why it’s SO important to not accomodate him him in EITHER way – either by dramatically attacking him with anger and pushing him away and giving him an EXCUSE to go, or by excusing and tolerating and understanding his behavior.

The goal here – always – is to OPEN UP the feelings in the relationship to build INTIMACY.  It CAN be repaired – but it can’t be band-aided over, it has to be DUG DEEPER and build up from there.  The taller the building, the deeper the foundation.

So, let’s call this character about Responsibility.

To be fearless, to dig deeper, to face up to the truth, to deal, to accept, to keep moving, to try, to experiment, to discover, to be okay with doing the best you can. To NOT beat yourself up, and yet to be responsible for your life – that’s what we can learn from this character.

So – let’s try this:

1. Take a look at what’s going on in your love life right now. Write it all down, in a numbered list. Now…

2. Assign responsibility to everything that’s happening – to what’s going well and to what isn’t.

On your list, write down who has responsibility for this “thing” this situation, this experience – assign it to him, or yourself, or your mother, or your boss, or the weather or the person or thing or circumstance you MOST spend your time thinking about or associate with to this situation.

3. Now go back, and cross out every single name that isn’t yours, and write your name down instead as the person responsible.

4. Notice what you feel the moment you do this:

Are you feeling angry?  Perhaps angry at me for telling you to do this, or angry at yourself for whatever you did or didn’t do?

Are you feeling upset?  Do you want to blame someone, and now you have to blame you because your name is there?

Are you feeling sad?  Hopeless?  Like if YOU’RE the one who’s responsible, you’ll NEVER be able to figure your way out?

Or – perhaps – you’re feeling relieved to have some place to go for responsibility where you have some control.  (This is how I feel when I do this – all of a sudden I tune into feeling calm and peaceful, instead of looking for solutions “out there.”)

Now…

5.  Think about the Jennifer Connelly character.

She basically did everything “wrong.”

She sat on her feelings in Home Depot as a horrible moment unfolded out of nowhere, and attempted to patch things up.

She made a momentous, assertive, initiative, masculine attempt to rekindle the passion in her relationship, even though it easily could have resulted in rejection and humiliation.

Okay – Now – think about everything she did “right.”

She realized that the signs her marriage was crumbling and uncommunicative were there long ago, and that she hadn’t acknowleded them.

She was willing to be open and start fresh.

She was UNWILLING to be in a relationship based on lies.

She was UNWILLING to sit on her painful feelings any longer.

She was UNWILLING to BLAME HERSELF, and yet she was willing to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for herself.

And there it is.  Taking responsibility is the ultimate fearlessness, the ultimate way to reclaim yourself, the ultimate way to take back your power – from wherever you left it, whoever you left it with, and however long it’s been gone.

You can get it back.

Try this Tool, and let me know how you feel.

Love, Rori

35 Comments

  1.  #1Linmayu on March 4, 2009 at 9:55 pm

    I’m having a lot of trouble with this one. I do not know the difference between responsibility and blame. When I even see the word “responsibility” I freeze up, I feel traumatized, scared, and hopeless. Exactly like you said–like if I’m the one responsible, then I might NEVER find my way out. It feels so scary. It feels like it’s my job to find my way out but I’ll be punished if I do it wrong. I feel frozen.

    I want to feel as Rori does, calm, peaceful, and in control. To me responsibility does not mean in control. Responsibility means at fault when (not if) the thing goes down the toilet–and all things go down the toilet.

    I want to feel calm, peaceful, and in control. My hand’s on the flush lever. I do not have to flush. I could reach into the toilet water and fish out whatever I dropped in there and rescue it. Wash it off with soap and clean water and let it be as good as new.

    Wow! I just felt all that fear just melt down my back and go away. (And I’d really been struggling hard with emo-trance the last several days, felt like I’d completely lost my touch. I just misplaced it, it seems.)

    So am I in control in my love life? Not in control of a man, but in control of me–where I have myself taken care of? Not really. I still have far too many moments–really more like days–when I let myself sit in icky feelings because I don’t want to make any more than a feeble effort at shifting them. Or I click this blog compulsively hoping for a new Rori post because she has all the answers and I don’t. I mean, she does…but on Reconnect she said that I do too. I don’t want to face that. I want to follow directions. I feel like a little girl scared to come out from behind mommy’s leg.

    I want to feel like a BIG girl, playing and exploring and learning and growing and curious and fearless! Just saying that melts a lot of the fear. I love the feeling of the melting. And I feel annoyed because my ipod died…and I love that I can feel annoyed when things in my life don’t go the way I want! That feels powerful, NOT to have to just sit there and take it all with a smile on my face.



  2.  #2Linmayu on March 4, 2009 at 9:56 pm

    Whee, FINALLY got a first comment Alias Girl 😉



  3.  #3alias girl on March 4, 2009 at 10:32 pm

    awwwwwwwwwwwww! nu uh. !! reshi’s first! hah!



  4.  #4alias girl on March 5, 2009 at 12:07 am

    i am now vacillating between moments of compassion and moments of rage in my online dating and views of men. it’ not their fault they don’t know how to be kings and princes and gods just like i am learning how to be a goddess/siren/queen. they are stumbling through it just like anyone else.

    however since i can actually visualize my crown now then i simply can not accept Soft behavior. and i don’t. i won’t. i’m not. little by little i am just standing in my siren power. and the men respond. circular dating is about me. i get that now.

    now i just feel like bring it on. trigger me trigger me. reject me. say you’l call and don’t. just sign off in the middle os an email conversation without saying goodbye. text as a first contact. call and don’t leave a voicemail. And i will show you what i am made of. and you will. realize. or rather they may or may not realize. but i am looking for my KING. and i am queen to my king. and we simply would not treat each other like that. those men are not my king. they are just my stone surfaces to smooth out my rough edges. they are My Stepping Stones. sorry if it sounds so harsh. it’s just how i view things in this moment. (of rage)

    i loved this post by the way. i take responsibility. gladly.



  5.  #5Flipper on March 5, 2009 at 5:15 am

    And remember to Hug Ourselves – Us responsible people need and deserve all the comforting and encouragement we can get / give ourselves. I feel responsible is NOT guilty, and even less comdemned. More hugs to you from me. <3



  6.  #6Katja on March 5, 2009 at 8:48 am

    Dear Rori, I have to ask you something. Will your programs ever be available in another language? I ask this for a reason-as I already said in my earlier comments I am german (but I am lucky because my english is really good) and almost every woman I know,I would even go so far to say EVERY woman I know,could really need your programs! For example I just learned today from one of my best friends that her sister Dani-who I also know-is separating from her man (they are not married but live together for eight years and have two children together) and my friend told me some time ago about their problems in the relationship-she (Dani) feels like she is doing everything,there is no sex,no communication,the classical stuff… I feel there is still hope for them and I know that they used to be so in love,this guy was her dream-man. Maybe it is not my problem and of course it isn’t but I am so sure that your programs would help the sister of my friend. Maybe she couldn’t save this relationship (but I think she could!!!) but it would help her in general. The thing here is-she, as a lot of the women I know, doesn’t speak english. And I would feel kind of bad by translating what you teach for her. Because I am not the relationship expert-you are! And I would feel like hurting copyrights by translating it. Do you know what I mean? But I think your words should be spread all over the planet. I would go so far to say that the human race would benefit in general if women would be in touch with their emotions again and would be women again instead of a poor version of a man (ok this last one is more of a joke but I feel there is some truth in there). So please let me know if you ever plan to release your programs in other languages,maybe with subtitles on the DVDs? Thank you in advance for your answer!

    And hugs and love to all of you!!!



  7.  #7alias girl on March 5, 2009 at 3:23 pm

    HUGS! <3 <3 <3



  8.  #8heartbeat on March 5, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    Hugs to everyone from me too!! <3 <3 XXXX



  9.  #9Linmayu on March 5, 2009 at 3:45 pm

    Oh man, I have great news to report. I had an interaction with a man today that was just WHOA. Like hello, holy crap, do I know you from somewhere? Like from INSIDE MY HEAD? Damn.

    It felt awesome. And I know that projecting any kind of future relationship would be useless, worse than useless, and make me feel bad. But the message? Hot damn. People resembling M *do* exist, and *are* attracted to me. It doesn’t matter if this particular one is relationship material or not. Whee, what a ride!



  10.  #10heartbeat on March 5, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    I wrote my list and felt really really scared. There are some things I’m unsettled about. I felt scared of seeing something much worse than what I ended up with. I still feel nauseous.

    I ended up changing my statements to feeling messages. Actually that feels helpful, but I still feel unsettled. I’m unsure why, I wonder if I’m pressuring myself to raise issues I’ve already raised in a dignified and honest way?

    I feel sick and sad. I feel really angry my man isn’t emotionally available when I’m upset over news about my sister. He is not in a good place either, due to money/work problems. I feel angry and want to strike out at him, I feel really really triggered he helped an ex in crisis a while back. I feel a deep deep rage. It feels good to write that…. calming down now, feeling tears.



  11.  #11heartbeat on March 5, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    Smiles Linmayu!!!!



  12.  #12heartbeat on March 5, 2009 at 6:02 pm

    I feel angry I didn’t say I felt angry! TODAY I didn’t say I felt angry.

    My man didn’t check in on me til mid-afternoon. Last night I told him I was worried about not hearing about my sister – she’s been sleeping and crying all the time and was seeing her oncologist yesterday for some test results. She wasn’t answering her phone this morning. When I finally spoke to her she was feeling a little better but told me the cancer has spread. My mother is devastated. We both cried.

    He did call and ask me how she is, but later than usual. I had been going about my business, but as the day went on I felt angry and upset. He didn’t offer to come over and I felt so frustrated as he only lives 5mins away.

    I didn’t pretend to be ok though – I said I felt nauseous and as if the ground was shifting from under me. I said I felt wierd talking on the phone. I said I feel like a hug – and he said he would come over, which he did straight away – I just didn’t say I felt ANGRY.

    And he talked about his feelings too, about HIS situation, about feeling bad about money and exhausted working nights. And what I wanted to hear was ‘I’m here for you, you can rely on me, I’ll support you, I love you’. Like, when he woke up, not after he’d been out to the shops etc.

    I read one of Rori’s e-letters on expressing anger, and I felt like giving myself a hug, because I CAN express feelings in the way she suggests – and I told him I was angry and confused on a previous occasion. But when I DON’T, like today, my anger just boils up and I start having awful thoughts, like ‘is he REALLY at work or just avoiding me?’ and worse.

    I feel all muddled over finding words. Deep breaths. I want to speak in the moment next time.



  13.  #13Ann on March 5, 2009 at 6:25 pm

    Hugs to all. I’ve been offline a few days so I’m catching up tonight.

    While reading this post I had a “light bulb” moment. I realized for the most part I’ve been following Rori’s mantra.

    I’ve always been a honest, blunt person but sometimes that bluntness was blaming.

    I’ve been learning to “feel my feelings” and speak about what I “feel”.

    I’m learning to set “my boundaries”. You don’t get to treat me like that.

    I’m learning to “choose my words” and speak my truth.

    Slowly learning to “be surprised”.

    The word responsibility is like alot of things with me. It depends on my mood. Maybe that’s the moody cancer sign in me lol.

    Responsibility can sound like blame….who caused this? But for me it’s really not, it’s a choice I can choose to make. I’m responsibile for how I respond. How I allow myself to be treated by others and myself.

    I love reading all the comments here. Thanks for sharing ladies



  14.  #14Ann on March 5, 2009 at 6:34 pm

    Heartbeat-“HUGS” I’m sorry your sister is so ill. I don’t know what else to say. So sending LOTS OF HUGS your families way. Take Care



  15.  #15heartbeat on March 5, 2009 at 6:42 pm

    Ann thank you, your hugs feel good right now XX



  16.  #16Linmayu on March 5, 2009 at 7:10 pm

    Likewise, hugs to Heartbeat, I can’t even imagine how awful your situation must be. Feels incredibly stressy on all sides.

    Ann, I’ve been thinking about the mantra too. I feel like I’ve just now started to live it without even really having planned to. Trusting boundaries, following feelings, choosing words–that’s beginning to feel like second nature to me. And I’ve been so surprised so many times I’m beginning to expect to be surprised. I don’t know if this is good or bad. But the moments of clarity and authenticity feel great, and I can only imagine how wonderful it would feel to be all authentic, all the time.



  17.  #17Ann on March 5, 2009 at 7:36 pm

    Hi Reshi, I feel amazed when I realize I’ve handled something using a tool and it felt great. I’m also begun to feel when I’m leaning forward and it feels ick…

    Of course, I’m not to the point of doing it all the time but I keep practicing and giving myself a big pat on the back. Especially when I don’t have to think how I should handle a situation. KWIM?



  18.  #18Rori Raye on March 5, 2009 at 11:00 pm

    Wow, this “Responsibility” thing is huge, isn’t it? It’s because we women have been taught to take responsibility for EVERYTHING! So – now I want you to DROP THE BALL of the world you’re carrying on your shoulders and simply take responsibility for YOU, and see how that feels.

    Listen – I’m a “I’m responsible for it all” girl down to my toes – and so my journey has been just like yours to get out from under this and the need for control it creates inside us – believe me – you can shift this. If I can, anybody can. Love, Rori



  19.  #19cookie on March 5, 2009 at 11:04 pm

    So I’m feelin really awful right now in this moment. I’m feeling judged and stupid. I feel like a downer but hearin n listenin to the truth is difficult. But the truth is that I’m lazy n afraid n unwillin to move forward with my life n take full responsibility for my own outcome. I feel this resistance deep in me as well as an equally strong desire need urge to run as far n fast as I can. I feel encouragd by these thoughts there is progress even in this duality. Yet too slow. I wish I was a magican.



  20.  #20alias girl on March 5, 2009 at 11:31 pm

    heartbeat i feel wordless. i don’t know what you are going through. i feel sorry for your pain. i feel compassion. i feel like sending you energy of love.

    linmayu. nice. 🙂

    ann. i feel agreeing. rori’s mantra is awesome. what is it? feelings. boundaries. choose words. be surprised. freaking strong mantra. so good.

    cookie. i feel hopeful. often laziness is just disguised fear.

    so as far as my circular dating goes it feels like this whole blur of



  21.  #21alias girl on March 5, 2009 at 11:39 pm

    it feels like all these men might as well be one man. i see it as just MAN that i am dealing with. and i just practice the rori raye mantra on MAN. and finally. (FINALLY) I am amused and more relaxed about the whole thing. they are all so similarm and they all respond similarily. sad but true. i am sure the same hold true for women. tell a women she is beautiful and she will feel good. tell a woman you’l call and then don’t and she will feel angry/hurt/disappointed.

    i am practicing with MAN. 🙂



  22.  #22Katja on March 6, 2009 at 4:20 am

    Heartbeat-I feel speechless and at the same time I am sending you lots of love and strength! I feel pain in my stomach because I lost my little brother,my aunt and my grandpa through cancer and thinking about that makes me feel sad. Hugs to you!!!

    Rori-I feel a bit ignored because you didn’t answer to my last question. But I am still hoping you will respond.

    To all the others, it feels amazing to read about your progress!

    Hugs and lots of love!!!



  23.  #23Flipper on March 6, 2009 at 7:17 am

    I want to rephrase how I put it before -I was going too fast and it half came out of my head – so I feel I want to re-form it from my feelings so that version gets imprinted. I feel that feeling responsible is NOT FEELING GUILTY, and so Not Feeling Condemned/Judged. I feel Cookie’s discomfort and pain from her Nasty Voices disguising themselves as feelings when they seem to be thoughts, and old worn-out ones at that. I feel her stubborn confusion, because it is often my own, and also hope because it is no longer only that.

    I am feeling loving kindness for everyone’s Ups, and compassion for their downs. And especially compassionate tears for Heartbeat in her sadness about her sister and her pain from her relationship.



  24.  #24heartbeat on March 6, 2009 at 12:36 pm

    Linmayu, Alias Girl, Katja & Flipper – thank you for your gorgeous hugs, I’m treasuring them all, I really am.

    Uh oh oh oh!! – I had a BIG lightbulb moment today on the way to the course I’ve been on, after reading Rori’s comment about dropping the ball. I got sooooo triggered last night – more than anything by my fear that I hadn’t said enough, that I hadn’t got the hang of this speaking in feeling messages, especially anger. That I’d mess up every realtionship I have. That I’d missed something, got it wrong, be at the beginners’ class.

    When I wrote my list, I put ME, HIM or US next to each statement – and then when I changed those to ME I felt really BAD. Like, really WEIGHED DOWN. I riffed and felt the actual WEIGHT on my shoulders. I just spiralled. I was awake most of the night, trying to figure it all out, what to say etc, and getting tangled up in really awful-feeling, angry stories.

    So I’m driving to my class and suddenly it hits me – I DON’T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THAT! I want to feel like THIS – light, easy, sexy, fresh, fun, deep, loving, open, honest, fearless, secure and passionate. LIGHT felt most important.

    So I CHOSE to feel like that – and every time I noticed the HEAVY feeling around I STOPPED whatever I was about to say or do and leaned back. OH I had such fun!!! I felt a lot of warmth, fun and companionship with the other students. I noticed how I feel responsible for keeping conversation going, and how I can be very witty but sometimes it feels like I’m trying to stand out – and I realise it is more important – VASTLY more important – to stand out without trying. For being me, for just being ME, and receiving from others. And I noticed how I also hold myself back at times, or feel shrinking and embarrassed for answering a question right – and most of the time I DON’T DO THIS ANY MORE.

    I feel connected. I feel connected to the people around me. I feel good and light.

    And my sister sent me a text to say she is feeling happier after talking to me, she’s put some furry throws around her living-room to inject a bit of FUN back into her house – I feel truly blessed and amazed. I feel great joy.



  25.  #25Linmayu on March 6, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    I am not sure if I get how to drop the ball, or whether I even have a ball. Am I considering myself responsible for the world?

    Oh yes I am. I consider myself responsible if my workplace goes out of business. I consider myself responsible if my sisters don’t get along. I consider myself responsible if my friends get into trouble. I consider myself responsible if my mom stays with a man who isn’t marrying her. I was definitely raised to believe I should be responsible for my sisters as they are younger, but I’ve dropped that ball, out of resentment, every time it’s been given to me. Who was there to be responsible for me? I want someone else to be responsible for me. It’s only fair, if I’m expected to be responsible for others.

    Ugh. Blargh. What if I really was responsible for me and only me? That would feel like freedom, and it would also feel selfish. It would mean I could consider a relationship with the Messenger who just showed up, should such a thing develop–but it would also mean I would have to consider that in the light of my own life’s direction. With this man I feel it would be very easy for me to drop my own direction and follow him wholeheartedly (like a lamb to the slaughter), and I’ll be DAMNED if I let my own direction be thwarted–even though I haven’t discovered it yet! What an opportunity to really uncover it! What an opportunity to learn boundaries and self-respect! I feel excited and scared, and twice as committed to myself in the light of a potential relationship.

    Of course, there’s also the possibility that I’m just an online diversion to this man. All the more reason to hold on to me.

    I feel like I’m thinking a lot about this, and being very in my head. I have to remember that my head will just keep me spinning forever because the answers aren’t in there! I know where they are, so why do I not take the time to access them?



  26.  #26cookie on March 6, 2009 at 8:15 pm

    i am feeling very heavy right now. i was triggered again, on facebook, looking at updates, another friend of mine is in a relationship and is public about it. my Inner voice tells me its because she’s lighter than me, prettier than me, sexier than me, luckier than me. I feel jealous and happy for her at the same time. I have to take responsibility that our friendship is estranged. I think apart of me has always been jealous of her, because looking at her, I felt those things, that’s she prettier, sexier, more likeable, more worthy. I feel ugly right now.
    But I’m not ugly. My coworker is my messenger of the moment. he tells me almost daily how fine and beautiful i am. He calls me a goddess and tells me I’m mother earth. That I should drop my guy because it’s dead and find someone else. He said my guy needs to step up his A game. I agree. It’s hard to accept his observations, all of them, because i’m not attracted to him in that way, although I learn alot when I’m with him. He’s 32 years my senior. There is no potential for an us with him at all, but I enjoy his lessons. I would like to use more feeling messages when i’m with him, though, just for practice.
    Also, another guy, reappeared from the past and said he missed me and wanted to take me out. I texted him back in feeling messages and he said he would call me when he could go out. That feels fine, although for a moment I felt that I might feel differently about him now that I’m ready to settle down and mostly have a child. And I feel that I may be desperate. Then again, when he asks me I will go and hang out with him and just be me and have fun. I think because I didn’t like him like that, I was just me and I like being that woman with him.

    Another male friend called me a couple of weeks ago and told me he loved me and missed me like crazy.

    And another texted me today and told me thank for being such a great friend.

    These instances feel good to me, makes me feel visible and present. But…

    I’m feeling angry. I feel like throwing a battleax at his head for being so mean to me. He basically flat out told me that it’s not happening with us, unless things go his way, when he wants it. I went to the gyn and she told me to get back on my birth control, I don’t want to but I think I should because it doesn’t make sense not to be on it, esp since he says he wants to try in november. I just ordered Rori’s new circular dating cds. I want to know.

    But I also feel like I already have all the info i need to know. That maybe I don’t know how to attract men anymore and I know the cds will help. But I know that i need to date other people esp because this man is controlling me even when he says he doesn’t really want me, or he’s not sure, or whatever his shit is, which at this point i don’t care. I feel like a liar, I do care. It hurts like hell to feel this way. I was at his house last sunday and he was facing the mirror, I was doing my own thing. I happened to look up and caught his eyes in the reflection, he gave me the nastiest look i ever seen. i was like wtf, but i just laughed internally and went back to what I was doing. When we went to the store, two men were falling over themselves to tell me how beautiful I am, he didn’t even notice. He’s too busy worrying about what everyone is thinking about him. It’s crazy, I don’t want to think about this anymore. I don’t want to care, that’s what it is.

    I preach Rori to all my young women. I see them in me and I’m a woman. These guys getting them pregnant, sucking up their lives, messing with their happiness, trying to suffocate them. In some of them I see so much strength, I admire them for realizing their power so young in life. I tell them to keep coming to school and focus on their dreams not on these boys. But what do i tell myself. I feel so hypocritical, sometimes. Yesterday, one of the girls drove me so crazy and I couldn’t deal with all her shit. Today I told her that I didn’t feel bad about telling her how I felt, that sometimes the energy is too much, and I’m not capable of carrying all her mess. I also told the group that we should allow the space to support each other’s growth and that we should not judge or be impatient with the speed of the process.

    I’m feeling comforted again as I remind myself of my own words because when I started this response I was feeling jealous of the rate of everyone else’s successes and wondering why I am so slow or afraid to be successful. But now, I’m feeling better. I’m feeling sleepy.



  27.  #27cookie on March 6, 2009 at 8:17 pm

    also, heartbeat, i am sending so much love out to you right now. your strength and resilience is beautiful.

    flipper, thanks for responding.



  28.  #28Ann on March 6, 2009 at 10:12 pm

    Hello ladies, as most of you know I think the ladies on this blog are fantastic. I love the way everyone shares, which brings me to a experience I had earlier in the week.

    Even tho, I know Rori’s tools work, I’m still amazed each time I see them in action. Over the years at times I’ve had a problem with being catty. Meaning I let my insecurities take over to the point my jeolousy causes me to say or do things I wouldn’t normally.

    Giving myself a pat on the back here, I’ve become ALOT better since using Rori’s tools. I’ve realized there’s no need for catty. The only competition for me is in my head. But I’ve just recently experienced how ugly catty looks.

    Myself and a female companion went to the office of a male friend of ours the other day. A lady who works in another part of his building was in his office. My goodness we could feel her energy change as soon as we walked in the building.

    I’ve never had a problem saying a female is pretty. This lady is physically pretty but that day she was not pretty in the least. We even heard her make catty comments concerning the man’s wife. Before someone says there is probably some office hanky panky going on, it would have to be the whole office. She was that way about every male there.

    As I said I never realized how “catty” looked. I hope the next time I’m feeling catty I can lean back, melt, relax I do not want anyone seeing me looking like that.

    Anyway I just wanted to share what we saw. I say we because as soon as we left I asked my companion what she saw and felt in there. She echo my thoughts and feelings to the tee. She went as far as to say that was nauseating(sp) to her, woman should support each other, not be mean with words or body language.



  29.  #29heartbeat on March 6, 2009 at 11:24 pm

    Cookie, before I even read your lovely and loving words to me, I was engrossed in your longer update and feeling sooooo interested and fascinated in your story. You feel like an amazing, smart and open woman. Your co-worker calls you a goddess! Hey I relate – when I feel bad around a man it seems to colour my whole world grey and weigh it down. I feel glad you got to a lighter place.

    Ann yeah – I feel like wow yeah how often I seem to experience the other side of the coin these days, whether it be another person’s insecurity or catty. PS I felt good after reading on another post your comment about drawing my lazy leopard on Siren Island.



  30.  #30Linmayu on March 7, 2009 at 12:11 am

    Oh, I love Siren Island! I had a date tonight…with a GIRL…well, I am not gay–not yet–but the time I spent with my new friend felt the way I would want a date with a man to feel. We had such a lovely, easy connection and so much fun. The polar opposite of catty for sure.

    I really want to see Cookie throw a battleax at this guy’s head. 😀



  31.  #31Ann on March 7, 2009 at 12:30 am

    Heartbeat, I haven’t found the pic of a leopard I want to draw yet. When I do and get it drawn will try to post it somewhere to be seen.



  32.  #32heartbeat on March 7, 2009 at 12:30 am

    Lol Linmayu! I love your wit 🙂

    I don’t mind admitting I had a relationship with a woman once – for three years, though I realised after six months I wasn’t gay. It was the warmth and companionship I wanted at that time, I realised my emotional self had felt disconnected with men.

    But jeez – the cattiness in the World of Wimmin was AWFUL!!! At least, in my neck of the woods it was. From being pilloried for bringing my son on a camping trip to observing the ‘move in together quick’ phenomenon – was an eye-opener.

    But’s that a whole other story. My journey is with men, and I feel in the right place. And I get that what you’re saying is – we can really appreciate the date qualities of a woman and learn from her.



  33.  #33heartbeat on March 7, 2009 at 12:31 am

    Oh hey elegant Ann – I’d LOVE to see your drawing!!



  34.  #34gina on March 7, 2009 at 1:11 am

    rori, please talk about the “vixen” character!!



  35.  #35Jem on March 16, 2009 at 6:47 pm

    I think the problem with Jennifer’s character is she pushed him into marriage before he was ready. Okay, so it happened, he was just going along life knowing he had it all per say. However, they communicated badly with one another. They didn’t even try to work on their communication ex. the tile situation at Home Depot. He used Scarlett to get him out of his marriage. I also believed that this situation allowed Jennifer to look at herself and within herself. Once she got over the deceit, she appeared to find herself.