He’s Just Not That Into You – The Scarlett Johansson Character

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The Scarlett Johansson character here was the hardest for me to write about.

That’s because at her age (and into many, many years) – I could never dream of having the self-confidence she had.

Scarlett is able to feel, to Leanback, to sink into herself, to speak her feelings. She has the boundaries to let a man have it when his behavior is unconscionable, feels beautiful and sexy and enjoys that about herself – and yet has the lack of life experience and general ethics that allow her to get involved with a married man.

I didn’t like her – not because of her behavior, but because I couldn’t identify with her easily.

And part of that, I realized is that she’s the kind of girl I always admired and never thought I could be.

She was the one who only cared about herself – and so every man fell in love with her.

She was the one who didn’t take responsibility – and so every man took her under his wing.

She was the one who took another woman’s man and got away with it.

I was furious at the Bradley Cooper character for cheating on his wife with Scarlett – but I really hated Scarlett.

I hated that it was so easy for her.  She could do that.  Not only could she get him to cheat on his wife, and get him to talk about leaving his wife – she had absolutely no moral problems with the whole thing.

I really noticed that with all the comments and the women I talk to – even my friends – most seem to “blame” the Jennifer Connelly character for her bad marriage (“she pressured him into getting married before he was ready…”) and for the cheating.  And most say that the Bradley Cooper character was “using” the Scarlett character to get out of his marriage.

So, then – who exactly is the Scarlett character?  If she is a pawn in this situation – who is she?

Is she excused somehow?

Here’s my take:

We all want to be Scarlett, and yet – she was the one with the LEAST happy ending!

We all want to have a man wrapped around our fingers…and yet, because we believe we can’t on some level, we sabotage ourselves at every turn.

Scarlett is in some ways a Modern Siren.  For that – I say copy her.

She’s young and she doesn’t know what she wants long term, what she’s doing with her life is very spur-of-the-moment.  She’s focused on herself. The relationship with Bradley is also helpful to her professionally.  There are lots of reasons for her to get involved with him.

And…horrible as it is to say…sometimes the other woman DOES get the man. And she almost did.

But most of the time it ends the way it did in the movie.  Everyone alone. Regrouping time.

The Scarlett character is a message:

Don’t play with a married man.  He’s not real until he’s available.  Until then – he’s only a messenger.

And for the Scarlett character, the message he delivered over and over again is – “I will disappoint you.”

So – let’s focus on that. To me, the Scarlett character is carrying a sign saying “Disappoint Me.”

Let’s look at where YOUR sign –  “Disappoint Me” – is on YOU.

When you wake up, when you step out into the world, when you look at your online dating site email box, when you go on a date, when you give a man your phone number – are you wearing a sign on your forehead that says “Disappoint Me”?

Are you PREPARED to be disappointed?

I see that and feel that in myself sometimes every minute of every day.  It’s in the fear of looking at anything and imagining it failing.  It’s this instinctual preparation for failure – the emotional WEIGHT we put into “Plan B” that CAUSES us to subconsciously SABOTAGE ourselves. And this is what the Scarlett character does.

She SEEMS like she should have it all – looks, spirituality, talent, sexiness, emotionality and even boundaries – but inside, she’s still sabotaging herself.  She’s still somehow looking for disapointment.

So – for today – as you walk around – see where you’re actually looking for and preparing for DISAPPOINTMENT – and see if you can flip that around with the “Riff,” with grounding yourself in objects and in the present moment, and in loving yourself all day long as hard as you can.

I’ll be doing this with you – let’s see where it takes us.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Linmayu on March 19, 2009 at 12:03 pm

    first post AG!

    So THAT’s what I was doing when I emailed my ex. Walking around with a “Disappoint Me” sign on my forehead. Telling him to prove he was a useless man and break my heart yet again.

    There’s another woman I know who is just like Scarlett. I hate her, and felt very triggered by the character. That’s really all I can say.

    I’m always prepared for disappointment, always. Every morning I obsessively check my email, knowing that it’s going to be nothing but spam, but hoping for something else nonetheless. Even right now I’m sitting in a space of extreme disappointment, expectation of disappointment. I saw my face in the mirror and it terrified me, how much negative emotion was swimming in there.

    I know I need to do something to move out of this.

  2.  #2Maria on March 19, 2009 at 1:02 pm

    Well, she had birth given looks that triggers most men, and she knows it. So she did not have to worry about it, she just got the “aura” for attracting men, and yes, there are not much girls like this. it is not about the looks, but it is about something about these kind of girls. What l noticed was, that she did not have much female friends, though, the rest of the girls had.

  3.  #3Maria on March 19, 2009 at 1:03 pm

    l think that we dont need to be like her, all we need is to be happy in our bodies and make the most of it.

  4.  #4Daria on March 19, 2009 at 1:38 pm

    I feel like crying right now because I wake up everyday preparing to be disappointed at my day… I KNOW I will not have the man I want the friends I want because they weren’t there yesterday so I wake up feeling ready to feel disappointed with another day of sitting at the computer…

    that feels so sad. There’s nothing I can DO to make myself the friends I want and the man I want because I’m supposed to lean back and feel like I already have it…

    So my life is not even moving in that direction… it’s moving towards being more successful career wise and that’s great but what I really want is my network of friends!!

    I feel so sad right now I feel like I am numbly sinking into an ocean of jelly… and that feels kind of cool… it feels sad and hopeless and like giving up… am I suppose to Give up… on my dream of having friends I feel connected with that I get to talk and connect to whenever I want?

    My right ear hurts right now… I mean my left ear hurts like someone is punching it really HARd… and I don’t know why it hurts like that and I love you ear… thank you… the pinching has released… I now feel bloated and pained in my stomach and I love you belly… I feel guilty for smoking, drinking, eating bad food, eating too much food and all the other bad things I have done to you over the ages… I feel like crying belly I feel so sad… and I FEEL angry that you are in pain… and I feel lonely and sad and crying… and I love my loneliness. I feel SO BAD for myself and I feel confused … I FEEL so angry that my phone is getting called by fake commercials instead of friends who want to talk to me… I Feel hopeless… I feel powerless…. I feel miserable… and I love my misery… I love all of me… I feel suffering and I love my suffering

    Even if I suffer for the rest of my life I will love myself thank you… I forgive myself for suffering and that feels like crying and sobbing right now… I feel so hopeless and that is ok… I feel like I want to turn on another life and wake up in it… and I feel sad

    I love my sadness… I love my powerlessness… I love my rage… I love my despair… I love my suffering… I EMBRACE my suffering… I feel disgusted… I feel afraid to embrace my suffering because I am afraid of suffering and that is ok.. I love all of me… and my fear… and the part of me that wants to be in pain… I love that part too… I AM in charge… and I am going to do what makes me feel BETTER, and what makes me bigger and happier, so I can have more compassion to share with you and with the world…

    And I feel really angry at my non-friends… I feel like I am self-causing this because I know a lot of people I feel good around that would consider me their friend but that are just not showing up in my life right at this moment

  5.  #5Daria on March 19, 2009 at 1:47 pm

    I kind of identified with the Scarlett character more than the other characters. I felt that she didn’t know exactly what she wanted, she was looking for a romantic love and she went for it and got hurt,

    she also had the guy chasing her that she felt ok being around as a friend but not sleeping with that was constantly pursuing her and wanting her to be his girlfriend in his wimpy way (sorry trigger). And I felt really inspired when she was able to honestly say to him that she didn’t want a real relationship with him. Although he Did help her out by saying the words FOR HER “you want that, but not with me.” I felt really encouraged when he actually gave her a hug afterward instead of doing some awful wimpy dejected breakdown like what I would expect.

    I also felt hopeless that out of all the characters she doesn’t find love but goes on a trip find on herself, which is BS.
    Although of course she needs it, like I may need it, but I FEEL REALLY ANGRY that I have to keep working on myself to find love when other people evidently are just easy-wired for it.

    While I am easy wired to be repulsed by nice guys, attract men, and not have the one I want.

  6.  #6Daria on March 19, 2009 at 2:15 pm

    I feel like giving up on love. I have already gotten what I wanted from Rori, which was to attract and date any man I want to. I really feel confident with that.

    I did not get The One Man… I have given up on him… and although I feel sad and right now I feel I will feel sad for the rest of my life.

    I have lost: a little group of friends that felt comfortable but also constantly triggering due to The One Man, a beautiful place with fresh air that felt safe and connected but also constantly triggering due to The One Man

    I have gained: self love, a new way of communicating, improved self respect, an ability to attract good men I’m not interested in, an interest in Classical Dating and Romance, a way to make my mom’s life better, awareness of my feelings

    I am Not going to give up on Love, although I hear and embrace that voice that is telling me to. Thank you Rori. I feel sad that I feel judgement from other people towards the Scarlett character and I felt most identified with her (although not totally at the time I was watching the movie). I feel defensiveness.

    I feel blankness as I star out the window with my eyes unfocused. I feel pressure in my belly and difficulty breathing as I take a breath that presses my belly more. I feel robotic and stuck. I feel sad. I feel hopeless. I feel sad. I feel stinging. I feel frustration. I feel disappointment. I feel major disappointment.

    I send Love to all my feelings. I LOVE all my feelings. And that feels like a little joy and hope and I feel DOUBLY sad because it is like a little eager hopeful child and it feels sad to think that the child will feel disappointed. AWww… I feel afraid of hoping for fear of feeling disappointed. I’m sorry child that you are not having th e life you want, I am sorry I feel guilty and that feels lik tightening in my throat and (TMI gas in my intestines). I feel ashamed now of having and saying gas in my intestines, I feel repulsed and all proper and judgemental now and I feel taller and more cold and angled and I Feel mellow right now as I look to the computer. I love all my feelings… and that feels like warmth. I love my intestinal gass and other stuff I find gross about myself. I LOVE them. Thank you. Thank you for being here and being part of me. I feel ANGRY at everyone who does not accept you and I WANT to be here and accept you. And I love that part of me that feels gross. It is ok to feel gross, and ?I love you. Thank you for protecting me.

    I feel stronger on the inside now, like my flower stem is standing up straight. And I feel jealous of the little flies I can see outside that are flying around ina group and playing with each other…

  7.  #7Daria on March 19, 2009 at 2:24 pm

    So now 2 men have called me and asked me to meet them halfway. I said no. One is actually in that same city where the beautiful little place I talked about is. I could go there and feel good in the air and maybe call up some friends and see them and it woudl feel fun. I want all this stuff to come to me though, without my leaning forward. I would also feel guilty being in that city and not visiting my Godsister in hte hospital because she is there. I could go visit her but I don’t really feel like that will feel fun, although it might feel good to do. Also I heard from her mom she is grumpy and asking for food that the doctor’s don’t want her to eat so I don’t want to potentially argue with her about it. Thank you universe for sending these men’s invitations to me.

    What I want is a Leanback way of receiving the friendship network and love. thank you universe.

  8.  #8Ann on March 19, 2009 at 6:32 pm

    I am hoping my computer will let me post. I wrote a post out from my phone and it disappeared that
    feels frustrating as hell. I’m writing this on note pad so maybe I can copy and paste real quick.

    I have been experimenting the past couple of days. My vibe felt more open and approachable. And men
    of all ages were approaching me to talk and flirt. Feeling more open feels good. Enjoying the moments feels real good. Right now I’m working on being more open.

    I haven’t seen the movie but from the description of Scarlett I’d like to be more like her on some things

    BTW I’ve read post I’d like to respond to but with these computer problem I can barely get on
    here from the computer and haven’t figured out the kinks on how to post from my cell.

  9.  #9Erika on March 19, 2009 at 6:47 pm

    In the movie, I found the married guy initially very attractive.

    But that changed quickly. It changed when he first said the thing to Scarlett about “I can’t I’m married.” It felt like his words were soaked in guilt and inner conflict.

    Later, he couldn’t stand up to his wife. And when Scarlett was in the closet, he didn’t want to have sex with his wife but he couldn’t speak up and be honest.

    A man who can’t be honest holds no attraction to me anymore.

    But it’s not because he is a “jerk.” My sincere read on his character was that he did not possess the communication tools to speak his own truth. And neither did the women in the movie.

    I imagine how much more amazing everyone’s relationships would be if we all communicated in feeling-based messages and focused on connection rather than strategies….

  10.  #10sifsgoldwig on March 19, 2009 at 7:33 pm

    Daria, I feel so much sympathy for you! I’ve recently felt the same way about men and friends. I had to set a boundary with a friend about always cancelling her plans with me and I feel wierd not really hearing from her since I did this. It feels like I’m being forced to cut people, at least temporarily, out of my life because I’m not supposed to lean forward. But I want to lean forward! I feel so bad! After having to stand back and do nothing after a breakup, to have to do that again with a friend? Who will be left? I feel sad and alone. That feels like a lump in my throat and big, sad eyes. I love the lump in my throat and my big, sad eyes. I also do feel hopeful that this feeling of “being on hold” is really just that I’m on the brink of something, something fun and exciting. I wish the same for you, Daria!

  11.  #11Daria on March 19, 2009 at 7:42 pm

    Thank you sifsgoldwig!

    Has anyone just sat on their bed and stared at the blank wall feeling there’s nothing to do? I feel like I SHOULD be doing something… like I SHOULD be out there having fun with friends, feeling good. I feel so stuck when I catch myself sitting aimlessly on my bed and staring at the wall…

    I feel like there’s something important to learn there… do I need to be ok sitting and staring at the wall. Yes. It feels like I am imprisoned. you are. By what… your own mind… how do I break free… you are free. how. Your heart. How do I feel free… open the numbness… how do I do that? work with emily vanhorn on the trauma thing… ok… anything else? yes… what… we reallylike pomegranate juice… thanks… anything else… yes… I love you… thank you… that feels warm… anything else… imagine the fun ness… thanks… anything else… sadness is ok… thanks… anything else… rage against the wall… REally? I feel surprised… how do I do that… beat the wall… ok… thanks

    btw beating the wall felt refreshing

  12.  #12Daria on March 19, 2009 at 7:54 pm

    literally in the past 15 minutes 4 men have asked me to come see them… 2 after I told them I’m feeling stuck and don’t know what to do…

    umm… i don’t wanna go see them… i don’t even feel like responding…

    i feel disappointed… whatsup with my attraction skills… i’m attracting fun offers to hang out and thank you universe for that… I want the fun to come to me in a feel good exciting way that allows me to lean back ! Thank you.

  13.  #13gina on March 19, 2009 at 7:56 pm

    I identified most with the Scarlett character. She “has it all,” but she has nothing, really. In terms of actually living beautifully, she has “potential.” I used to hate myself for not fulfilling my potential. However, I’m a few years older, and I’ve been working with kids for a little over a year – I feel that’s helped me “get over myself.” I used to think that I had been blessed in so many ways, but I hated that I couldn’t get out of my own way. It’s nice to realize that I don’t perceive those obstacles nearly as much anymore. I guess everyone has obstacles to overcome – some are internal, some are external. I believe that if I can release the internal struggle I can become a very good leader.

  14.  #14alias girl on March 19, 2009 at 8:53 pm

    daria. i still feel amused at your army of man. from the outside it seems so obvious you are attracting just what you need to become who you want to be. it’s not what you say you want but

    what i want is something my goddess self could gracefully accept and have and be with.

    but i am still prickly and easily triggered and angry. (less angry than yesterday. i have taken a little breather from the army and constantly being triggered with online men. but yae some guy named mike was clearly interested in me today. that’s cool. i’m not a complete porcupine at least.

    also i was amused at your conversation with yourself. i do that sometimes and one time this other part of my was Livid. LIVID beecause she wanted to be a housewife and i’m all about career and money. so i dialogued and found out just what the word housewife meant to her. and i was like oh you’re right. i totally want those things. i assured my housewifeself tthat we were actually on the same page and was thankful she was so angry to bring certain things to my attention.

    this is a meaty post about the scarlett character. a lot to respond to. i actually relate to this character. i don’t have that stunning exquisite beauty and most certainly didn’t have it for many many years with my acne. but i have a charm and a sexuality that if i want to i can use it. it doesn’t really interest me so much though. esp now i am older. i feel like i know the superficial things that rev a man’s engine and i’m not interested in being that unless it’s for my one specific man. so without that i seem to be invisible to a large portion of men. is ok with me.

    but i also relate to the scarlett character because she’s just really naive. she did question the morality of what she was doing and a little bird (female friend) got in her ear and gave her hope that this might be Him. the HIM WE ALL DREAM OF. whoa with the all caps.

    what girl wouldn’t teat the waters on that situation? she was young and didn’t know better. she was just as misguided as the other women. people get more intensely triggered because she was with a married man. but it was the man who took the vows and the man breaking them.

    though i agree with rori’s take on married menm it’s not REAL until he’s available. it’s complete fantasy/imaginary relationship in my opinion. though i read on the internet that natasha richardson was still married when she met liam. god rest her soul.

    do i wear a sign that says disappoint me?

  15.  #15alias girl on March 19, 2009 at 9:02 pm

    i don’t think my sign says disappoint me.

    i think my sign says, i dare you.

    i dare you to treat me poorly.
    i dare you to treat me well.
    i dare you to love me.
    i dare you to call me.
    i dare you to think you know who the f*ck i am without getting to know me
    i dare you to try and play me mister bc i will not be played.

    heheh. and now we know why i have the results i do.

    i can’t drop my sign though. i can feel the energy in my body. i will try and work on the i dare you sign i am wearing. i feel curious about it. i kind of like it. though it leaves me lonely because i always want to win my i dare you game.


    i’m not sure scarlett’s sign said disappoint me. it seemed to say save me. save me and make my fantasies come true. or maybe save me by making my fantasies come true. to me anyway. though i suppose that is a sure set up to being disappointed. so maybe ultimately it did say disappoint me.

    ugh. i dare you to Not disappoint me.

    i saw a fake loius vitton bag in a shop tonight. that’s what all my recent men exploits have felt like to me. fake louis vitton bags. i mean they could be the real thing it’s hard to tell. but if you look close and look at the stitching and really just use your gut instinct. you know it’s a fake.

    i dare you to be the real thing.

  16.  #16Daria on March 19, 2009 at 9:51 pm

    I feel curious at Alias girl saying that “from the outside it seems so obvious you are attracting just what you need to become who you want to be.” That is very cool… from the inside it just looked like misaligned attracting.

    I feel curious. I feel glad another day is over. Another day. yes. success: no smoking.

    Poor sis, she is in the hospital. I asked her if I could come see her and she said I could. She sounded sweet. I told her I would come tonite or tomorrow. now I feel obligated. I actually had put my clothes on to go see her and was interrupted by an ex who wanted to hang out, but wound up bugging me and telling me his classic “you’re lying” to which I calmly said “I’m going to hang up now…and did”

    Except I no longer felt like driving to see my sister and didn’t. Now I feel kind of obligated to see her tomorrow. Why don’t I want to see her? It’s because I feel like I do too much stuff for her. Although she is a good friend too, whenever I get these thoughts something happens that shows me she’s a good friend but it’s like the thoughts just won’t go away. Hmm…

  17.  #17Dorothea on March 19, 2009 at 10:45 pm

    I have been waiting for the post about this character and feel hopeful that I can use it to solve a Scarlett-esque problem of mine.

    I identified with Scarlett’s character the most. I don’t like that she had to go full-on girlfriend before she was able to say that’s not what she actually wants when she knew the whole time that she didn’t want that with him. I feel so triggered by this because I have this problem. With all the recent discussion on “undoing” and also on Scarlett’s character, I wonder how progressing toward Girlfriend when it’s not what you actually want with that man can be undone.

    I told one man in particular that I wasn’t going to be his girlfriend and he acknowledged this, but he directs so much energy at me regardless. I feel sucked into this even when I deep down don’t feel like getting serious or exclusive with him. I feel like all of his attention and energy is always coming towards me. He texts, he calls, he tries to make me feel good and to see me as much as possible. . .It feels great but I feel guilty knowing that he is always thinking of me and I am really just enjoying our time together when we are face to face. He is moving to another country in a couple of months and I am graduating from college, so apart from my not wanting to be his woman, we have discussed that we are not “going anywhere.”

    I want to circular date but feel suffocated by my current situation with this man. I wish I could undo the current situation and simply just have him in the rotation. I feel open and comfortable when I spend time with him and he feels interesting to talk to and is pretty cute so of course I want to keep seeing him but for a few reasons I do not want to, like, marry the guy. Leaning back and using the Tools has been working about as perfectly as possible and I can practically feel the whirrr from the energy of men circling around me and coming toward me, so I want to enjoy this and circular date, but all of us being students at an albeit large university makes me feel unsure and worried.

    I have never, ever, ever in my whole life gotten truly positive attention and energy from guys at school. Now I am in the last semester of my education and there is SO MUCH OF IT I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT. I almost want to put off graduation just to bask in it and enjoy the vast selection of men:P

    Incorporating suggestions, tools and advice from this blog and the newsletter and e-book into my life has practically magnetized directly to me the energy of every man that interests me, which feels amazing beyond words, but now this Goddess needs a little help managing it all! Lots of Love! Thank You!

  18.  #18Linmayu on March 19, 2009 at 11:00 pm

    I feel amused, I totally see Daria as being like the Scarlett character too, and I mean this in a good way. Both seem to me young, gorgeous, sexy Goddesses, with a confident and playful sexuality, experimenting with men, and could totally take another woman’s man and get away with it. I can’t get naked and invite someone’s husband to jump in the pool with me.
    Wouldn’t even want to. I’ve always been the woman that gets cheated on, never the one who takes a man from another woman (although recently, a man dumped another woman for me on his own).

    I can’t speak for others who are judging the character, but I judge because I feel envious, plain and simple. I really feel envious of women who have an easy, natural sexuality. These are women who can just waltz into my life and take everything I have if they want to.

    And–I want to be that powerful. I want to feel that powerful, like I could have ANY man I want, not just the losers who are attracted to me. And that feels horrible to say because the men who are attracted to me, the ones I am keeping around, are wonderful, they do not resemble losers in the slightest. (I should not have listened to my dad, who told me that since I’ve just had my heart broken and am not in a good mental state, only losers will be attracted to me.)

    But I have that part of me that wants the GQ model, the sexy musician, the hot goth guy, the man who’s the center of attention at the party (who I already know will bore me to death after 5 years). I almost feel like I’m settling if I go for the nice guy who wants me and makes me feel good–like there’s something more, some kind of undefinable spark that I should hold out for.

    Maybe there is a bit of Scarlett in me after all…lol.

  19.  #19Daria on March 19, 2009 at 11:30 pm

    I feel a little triggered because I do not want to be seen as the woman that takes someone else’s man. I, like Ericka, found the husband character really attractive until he said I can’t I am married, and totally unattractive after that.

    I feel triggered that Linmayu sees me as the Scarlett character, for some reason that is triggering me, I feel STRONGLY like I am projecting one of my old best friends onto Linmayu, I feel a little defensive at being seen as the Scarlett character, whoa, even though I KNOW I said I identified with her.

    I had been used to putting myself second behind my “pretty” friend, who was more curvaceous and sensual and had an intense sexuality (like I imagine Linmayu to be.) The ones the guys went WOW for and wanted to put on a pedestal forever, and treat like a lady, not just befriend as they did me.

    Since I got in a big argument with my best friend 2 years ago, I have been on my own and had no one to put myself behind, so have grown my self confidence it seems. I now do feel genuinely pretty and attractive, I do feel I have an easy sexuality, but I feel still feel inferior of women that seem to have a deeper, earthier, more feminine and intense feeling to them. I feel bad that “I can’t even get a period on time” without being around other women. That’s how superficial my femininity is says the voice? That doesn’t feel good.

    I feel majorly triggered coming into this blog because I was feeling overwhelmed by my sister being sick and having a surgical procedure. I SO WANT HER TO TAKE THE HERBS I GAVE HER… and she hasn’t yet and I KNOW THEY CAN HELP HER. I feel so worried I feel like I DON:T HAVE THE CONFIDENCE TO CONVINCE HER TO TAKE THEM and that she will die before I get that confidence and actually be able to heal people. I don’t want her to have to die to spur me in action. I don’t want her to die. I don’t want to raise her kids. I don’t want to feel bad. And I feel overwhelmed and that feels like crinkly face and pressing in the middle of my forehead and almost crying and feeling like I am carrying a burden all the time…. I feel FUCKIN MAD at this FUCKIN WORLD I swear sometimes I feel so tired of IT… HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO FIX ALL THIS FUCKING THING!!!!!!!

    I know I am off track with that and I just feel tired. I want help. I want help from me. I don’t want to see my mom with that odd sad looking depressed face that Rori talks about…. I don’t want to suffer and feel lonely… I don’t want to feel overwhelmed. I just want to run away and play in the grass. I feel like I will forever be six years old.

    I don’t want a relationship because I don’t feel ready for one.

    BTW Just because I feel like it and I reread what I wrote I want to say that I have had my man taken (and married) by my best friend before. Even my other best friend that I really trusted decided to date a guy I liked and I stopped being friends with her at that time. And not to mention other instances of this kinda thing happening, when I was young because I used to tell this girl to go for guys I liked (why? I dono, wanted to see what would happen… I was weird and felt scared to be in a real relationship), and other times too.

    So anyway I don’t date guys in relationships mostly not because I care so much about the girl (I don’t let’s be blunt, I have taught myself to be very uncaring towards unknown women), but because I feel jealous and I feel the guy will be unavailable. And I really don’t go for married men thank goodness. That is not what I want.

  20.  #20Daria on March 20, 2009 at 12:23 am

    So I just made a ragey poem and I don’t feel angry I feel kinda good. I guess that art stuff really works…


    very unusual for me… yay… I feel like I am changing positively

  21.  #21Linda G on March 20, 2009 at 4:34 am

    Suddenly, the five new men I have in my roster have all caught the blue flu. They have all emailed saying they are going out of town on busineess, out with flu, having major surgery and cannot see me for a bit but we’ll get together soon. And I thought this crop was finally turning into one with guys I was attracted to, instead of the other guys who were very nice, but just messengers of sorts. Even the guy who was prepared to get into his car one day and drive 400 miles to see me backed off a couple of days before he made the trip. Flu. After weeks of great communication. How to respond, and what to make of this? Linda G

  22.  #22gina on March 20, 2009 at 9:30 am

    hi, so I’m totally scared. I met this guy on an online dating site. He’s a tall big body guard who is a film maker and is super into a political movement that I have been very active in. We talked on the phone for a few hours the other day, and it was super comfortable and good. i really respect him because he knows what he wants, and is actually willing to say that he wants to “find his partner in crime.” Objectively, I consider him “a perfect specimen.” It’s funny cause I’ve had these walls up thinking I was waiting for the perfect specimen in order to be truly vulnerable, but now I’m super scared. I have connected with impossible men in the past, but I think it was cause they weren’t available. We talked a second time the other night, and I have this feeling in my gut that I made a huge mistake. We continued to speak for another hour or so, but I could hear his disappointment when he asked me when was my last relationship, and I explained that I’ve never really had a serious relationship cause I just want to have One of those in my life – in the meantime, I’m dating. He asked if I’m dating anyone now, and I said “well, I’m dating people.” And that sucks, cause what wasn’t being said was that we’re both pretty amazed with all that we have in common, and we both were considering whether this could be a match (we met on a dating website), and yet, I’m over hear telling this guy who says he wants a real relationship, that I’m dating people. I want to clarify that I am willing to to see where things go. He said in his profile that he doesn’t want to break down a bunch of walls, and I feel like I just showed him a mammoth one, but I would totally take it down for him if we click in person. BTW, he lives over an hour away, so we’ve talked about meeting, but it will be a bit of a journey. I am so unsure how to communicate with a man who I am actually attracted to, who’s actually available and willing to be in a relationship. I see that I need to speak in feeling messages. I am willing to be vulnerable. I’m scared!!

  23.  #23Rori Raye on March 20, 2009 at 10:31 am

    Gina – STOP all this THINKING – right now. You haven’t even MET the guy…this is how we get all hung up in Imaginary Relationships. You cannot possibly make a mistake in a phone call unless you’re not being vulnerable, authentic – being YOURSELF. You just want to be REAL. Forget everything else.

    No man can tell what he feels until he meets you, and thinking about the possibilities is damaging your vibe. You’re supposed to be dating. You didn’t make a mistake. Stop second guessing yourself and get your “Diva” on…you can do this. An hour is NOTHING. Meet him half-way for a walk somewhere – a shopping center or a park where you can get coffee and walk – IF he calls again. And if he doesn’t – it will have NOTHING to do with YOU – because he hasn’t even met you yet. If you’re feeling needy and desperate – that’s your message to start working on that in yourself.

    And what if he’s NOTHING like you think he is when you meet HIM in person? STOP GUESSING, and live your life. Brava to you for all that you’re understanding and trying and doing and being…Love, Rori

  24.  #24Rori Raye on March 20, 2009 at 10:32 am

    Yaay…Daria – Rage and feeling good – isn’t it amazing how they can go together? Love, Rori

  25.  #25Daria on March 20, 2009 at 10:39 am

    Thanks Rori. Unfortunately still confused about it…

    Today I woke up with even more rage, feeling awful and stressed. I sat and meditated for about 45 minutes and at one point as I was thinking about my sister’s situation I could feel my arm get so tingly and hot and then the side of my neck GOT VERY HOT AND TINGLY it was a very strong sensation. I felt pinching in different parts of my body…

    Right now I feel the little motor inside me, I am still panicked although not as bad as this morning… I feel so RARGh im not sure if this is anger but it feels like the FIGHT syndrome. I am running around in my head trying to calm myself, I’m feeling desperate…

    so how does this feeling good feeling work again?

    On another note you just told Gina to meet this guy half-way… is that ok? I have been refusing to meet men half way because I thought it was not leaning back…

    Thank you for having this blog.

  26.  #26gina on March 20, 2009 at 10:42 am

    thank you, Rori. Sigh of relief. okay, I’m channeling my inner Diva.

  27.  #27alias girl on March 20, 2009 at 2:50 pm

    i’m using rori’s EFFORTLESS tool. life is effortless. fun is effortless. money comes to me effortlessly. men come to me effortlessly. men i feel attracted to pursue me and date me effortlessly. a good, fun, comfortable, healthy, loving, exciting, successful life is manifest easily. gratitude is my natural state of being.

    i feel so relieved with my breather from- i dare you – to my army. it was exhausting and very effortful. but worthwhile. i learn alot from my experiments but sometimes they feel ick.

    i feel like i am more and more able to be with a Good Good man. i used to feel unworthy or uncomfortable by the idea of an available good man. now unavail men cause me to turn on my heels.

    i feel grateful! i feel love.

  28.  #28gina on March 20, 2009 at 4:53 pm

    thank you again, Rori, for liberating me from the crazy zone. I’ve been free from those thoughts since your message.

  29.  #29alias girl on March 20, 2009 at 6:17 pm

    ****rori is magic. ****


  30.  #30Dorothea on March 20, 2009 at 6:52 pm

    I feel totally left out from Rori’s magic but maybe one of you Goddesses can help me with my problem about which I wrote above in a comment. Pretty please?:)

  31.  #31Rori Raye on March 20, 2009 at 8:01 pm

    Hi – for some reason Linda is getting shut out of the comments – if anyone else is having that problem – will you please let me know? You can email my customer service at Rori@HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com and someone will answer you and forward your message to me (I hope) – I was lucky to get this from Linda, and am posting it here myself:

    From Linda G.:
    “I have been circular dating, or trying to. At first I had dates with lots of guys who were strictly frogs with messages. Lately, I have been communicating online and then phone with men who actually seem attractive to me and promising, but they are not showing up. Just this week the 5 guys I was counting on as my rotation each emailed me to say could they postpone our meeting due to flu, business trip, even major surgery. One was supposed to be driving up here to NY from Dc tomorrow. We have had a flirtatious email exchange for weeks and he proposed the idea of his coming. He canceled me on Wednesday, saying he had got flu on Sunday and would write again when he felt stronger. So yes, I feel like Scarlett with a “disappoint me ” sign on my forehead, which is even what my ex saw in me when we started going out. How do I respond to these men, which of your many tools can I use to switch this around? On your Toxic Men program, your guest pointed out that when a man says he cant see you for awhile, he is not busy or sick, but most likely checking someone else out and keeping you on hold. I am also sensing in myself that my fear of intimacy, as much as I crave it, is keeping me attracted to imaginary relationships, and creating barriers tot he men who actually are available. I am going nutty with all this stuff, constantly getting triggered since all these supposed good guys are flaking out on me.

    Any way, that’s my posts in a not so small nutshell.. Thank you Rori, you are helping me look at and work on myself in a way I could never even suspect would help, but I am trusting it will.

    I have every program on CD.

    Linda G”

    Dear Linda, Hang in there – this will pass – this sounds like old stuff is starting to filter through you quickly – and Brava to you for that!

    Just keep doing what you’re doing and practicing the Tools – use the Targeting Mr. Right ones for the Conversation Circle and Riffing demos – and especially for all the time and man management Tools – they will help you get a handle on all these men and help you feel more in control.

    This will be followed by some blissful times, and then level out to a great, happy place, I know it…Love, Rori

  32.  #32Linmayu on March 20, 2009 at 8:51 pm

    I want to hug Daria. I’m feeling so amused. I’m an earthy, sensual, intense woman but I always feel inferior to fun, flirty, youthful women which I suppose is how I see Daria. And now I’m seeing us envy each other and feeling so amused. We all want what we don’t have and aren’t impressed with what we do have. I had a friend at work who was the same way; I wished I looked like her and she wished she looked like me…lol.

    My cousin’s getting married tomorrow. I love weddings in our family. It’s a great excuse to get together and put on our best Indian clothes that we can’t wear anywhere else, and all our jewelry, and watch every woman, even my aunties and grandma, transform into gorgeous Goddesses (not to mention watch my boy cousins get drunk and try to dance).

    Daria, I’m not sure I understand your question on the feeling good thing, but it’s ok to meet a new man halfway, if you’ve never met him before, or aren’t yet comfortable with him picking you up. (I’m a bit of a diva so I generally meet them 1/3 of the way…)

  33.  #33alias girl on March 20, 2009 at 9:15 pm

    i feel glad linda was finally able to make communication with siren island! or at least via rori.

    yae linda! i feel really happy for your progress. i know it looks like crap superficially but is Great Progress from wheere you were and also very hopeful for where you’re headed. at least from my perspective.

    i felt angry for a second when i read that bit from the Toxic Men program about how guys want to take a little break but keep the old standby on hold just in case the new chickie doesn’t pan out well.

    one of my exes did this. only it turned out to be a permanent break. and it didn’t pan out with his new chickies and then i made myself no longer his standby option.

    i felt angry for a second then i didn’t. hah. i feel great about that. i feel GRATEFUL i am not with him under thos circumstances and who he was being towards me. yae me!!!

    i feel like yae me!

    i feel so excited about my life! yae. i feel grateful. i feel like i have all these invisible tools that are So Powerful. hah.

    anyway. hang in there linda and all the sirens that are cicular dating. and me too. I’m on my horse.

    dorothea. i feel confused. you told him how you felt. you both discussed that it’s not going anywhere. if you already told him where you’re at. so i guess your main issue is your guilt?

    maybe start to circular date and see how you feel. maybe that will take your focus off your guilt that a man is treating you well? xoxo

    i feel self love. dating myself and adoring myself is becoming second nature. probably why the old type of guys are losing my interest. 😉 !

  34.  #34Katja on March 21, 2009 at 1:25 am

    Just a thought about the Scarlett-character:
    Maybe we (or a lot of us) women get triggered because she actually is totally confident and focused on herself and does what SHE wants.

    And we still have this “being nice so that everybody likes us”-thing in us. I see it this way: If a guy is married and another woman gets involved with him-she isn’t to be blamed. Of course there are moral standards which I would everybody to keep,but in my opinion it’s not the womans fault if the guy gets involved with her. Maybe he is to blame,maybe his wife is to blame-because she obviously isn’t attracting him,otherwise he wouldn’t get involved with another woman.

    Usually if my man would be getting involved with another woman-I would blame her and talk bad about her and hate her etc.

    But only because I feel jealous and because I know deep inside myself that she does something I don’t or I am not able to do: being confident and just doing what she wants.

    I would never ever get involved with a married guy or even one who is in a relationship with someone else. That would be against my moral standards. But maybe thats just kind of an excuse and I am just not strong enough to do what I want. If I met a guy and he is a great guy and I am really attracted to him-wouldn’t it be HIS problem if he is married or in another relationship?! Shouldn’t I just do what I want-in this case:get involved with him?! (under the condition that he is honest to his wife and to himself)

    I recently found out that I am always trying to please people. I am not honest. I try to be,but I still have this thing in me that if I am truly honest,nobody will like me. I see this daily with my man or my friends and family. It’s horrible. I don’t feel strong enough inside to be absolutely honest with everyone and to just say whats on my mind. I feel angry about this. Btw I never tried the Riff…so I am trying now…

    I feel angry about myself for not being honest with myself and others. I feel a lump in my throat. I feel my eyebrows contracting and my face getting frozen. I feel tension in my shoulders. I love my anger. I love my lump in my throat. I love my frozen face and my contracting eyebrows.I love the tension in my shoulders. I love everything I am and everything I feel.
    (My face gets unfrozen now and the tension releases and the lump goes away,too,slowly,but it goes.)

    Love and hugs,

  35.  #35gina on March 21, 2009 at 2:21 am

    Not long ago, I wrote about a married guy who was pursuing me. He explained that his wife pressured him into marriage cause she was pregnant with his twins, even though he didn’t love her. My position was that I was available and attracted to him, but that there was no way I would fool around with a married guy. At first, I was willing to let him write me and flirt, cause I thought maybe he was actually intending to take action. I didn’t want to inspire action, but I thought maybe he was just working things out for himself, and I was willing to receive his communication and see where he was trying to lead me. But soon, I realized that he was just hoping I would fulfill his needs that weren’t being met in his marriage. He told me that he wished “things were different” but that a real future with me was “impossible.” That’s a step worse than “I will dissappoint you,” and I knew that I deserve better than that. I think the Scarlet character thinks she’s winning a big prize if she’s able to seduce her “soulmate” out of another woman’s arms, but really, she’s dealing with a babyman who doesn’t know what he wants. I wonder how she would have behaved with a man who was actually available – I doubt she would be interested/capable of connecting if there wasn’t a barrier to prevent true intimacy. I think her experience in the closet was humbling, and I’m sure her adventures in India would bring her closer to true love.

  36.  #36Tracy on March 21, 2009 at 6:02 am

    Thanks Gina for sharing your experience..
    I was recently involved with a guy who is engaged to another woman…i felt so lost and helpless most of the time.i felt like i had no control of my life.It was a difficult time and i feel glad i am slowly getting over it thanks to Rori Tools..
    I realized that i did not love myself and infact,this guy was not even right for me.He stil is not right for me but there are days when i see him and i feel attracted all over again and the sad and confusing feelings come back all over again…however thanks to this blog i am learning to deal with my bad feelings…embracing them and moving on to a better place..
    I t feels good to improve to a better person to smile inspite of the sadness and guilt i feel deep down..i am learning to go through all these and i know i will meet my dream man soon but i feel i should be ready by being myself,being authentic and most of all believing that all hapiness comes from me..i can make me happy…

  37.  #37Daria on March 21, 2009 at 12:18 pm

    I’m working on sinking into the awful feeling about my sister’s illness. It feels overwhelming sometimes like yesterday. It feels very bad.

    What was interesting yesterday was after feeling intense rage I got interrupted by a guy calling me and having to ask for change while buying a hotdog and then realized I felt very clear and free for the next 20 minutes. Like the rage completely had cleared like rain. Then I started feeling not so good again as I went into the hospital.

  38.  #38Linda G on March 21, 2009 at 2:05 pm

    It’s so hard, Daria, I know how difficult it can to separate yourself from your family in order to date, especially when your family member needs you or is sick. I live with my kids and my elderly parents and sometimes I feel guilty when I go out on dates or spend so much time online trying to circular date. But we have to have our own needs met, too. Otherwise we resent our family. We need to be whole not only to date, but to care for others, those we love unconditionally. I don’t know about your sister, but I know evey time you think of her or go to see her makes her feel loved. Linda G

  39.  #39cookie on March 21, 2009 at 9:11 pm

    hi, just dropping in. i finally saw the movie and finally feel like i can contribute or actually read through the posts that I’ve been avoiding due to Rori’s spoiler alerts.

    So i was this character for the brief moment of my life when i actually did feel confident and sexy and I actually was magnetizing this attached man away from his pregnant girlfriend. but i did become afraid and too needy and desperate acting with him because other people began making me feel bad about doing something that i wanted to do for me. and then he ran away. i knew it was a bad move to become involved with him, he told me that he couldn’t give me anything other than a few nights. he was very forthright about that from the beginning. I said cool. Mostly cuz that’s me, the cool, I’m down with whatever chick. But it wasn’t cool because I grew to like him and want him for more than that. Plus the guy that he was to her, he wasn’t to me and that’s what i wanted more. Her man, the way she had him, not the sex. At the end of the day, I did lose. My rule has and always will be to leave attached men with their attachments. That rule feels good to me.

    I think I relate most to the Goodwin character. The one that is so clueless, even when she knows. The one who longs for the truth. The one who obsesses and secretly enjoys the drama. Of course I wouldn’t want to call it that but that’s what it is, drama. Why else, would I place myself in situations that lead to nothing but disappointment when I know going in that I will be disappointed. Really not smart. I’m so tired of being this character.

    Even after watching the movie and hearing the message that the exceptions are not the rule, I imagine that like Jennifer my seven year relationship will add up to something more than time spent and practice. I feel like I’ve drifted away from this blog and Rori’s tools and I want to get back on track again… How do I start?

  40.  #40Tracy on March 22, 2009 at 4:44 am

    i can relate to your situation as i just came out of the same one myself..well the girlfriend was not pegnant but they were engaged..
    it feels overwhelming sometimes having to see him constantly now that we wrok at the same place…i too felt that i was doing it for me…..i am glad it happened because i felt so lost and confused by the whole experience that i vowed to make my next relationship work.I felt scared that maybe a guy could do the same thing to me in the future…i vowed to get how some men choose to remain faithful and others don’t.
    the moment i started leaning back,and applyin rori’s tools on him and everyone else…he started coming back…and all of a sudden wanted to be with me again…
    I FEEL now that i deserve better…i can get better….i feel that although i connent with him emotionally i want the 100%…i feel tired of him having to mention his fiancee all the time,always wonder if he’s in love with me…(though i bet he’s not,coz otherwise that ring would have been on my finger)…
    there are days i miss him….i feel alone…i feel like pickin up the phone and giving in to his demands…i feel this ist he best i can get…but i know i need to move on…it feels so difficult,confusing….
    I feel energized and hopeful…that i need to sink to this feelings…i feel that he projected my neediness, and my clingy habits…my feelings of loosing hope…settling for less…i feel that he projected my feelings of not loving me enough..or feeling that i’m important…that i come firsst..that i should love me first…
    i am learning to put myself first…my relationship with my frinds and family has really improved…even with this guy…i am learning to speak my truth…
    i feel that i am more cormfortable and at ease to talk about myself inthis blog…i feel vulnerable…yet strong on the inside…i love my vulnerability…i love the person i am becoming….


  41.  #41Linda G on March 22, 2009 at 5:28 am

    Dear Daria (I like saying that it’s like Dear Diary) I know how difficult and guilt ridden it feels when you have an ailing relative or friend but you want to put your energy into yourself, your dating. I live with my two young kids and my elderly parents. Sometimes I feel I’m neglecting them and being selfish when I go out on dates or even put a big effort into trying to circular date. That guy who called you got you into yourself for that minute and gave you fuel to give to your sister. You cannot be supportive to those around you if you yourself are not fulfilled and supporting yourself. I am so sorry your sister is not well. I don’t know the details, but I know just showing up for her will be huge for her. Breathe, settle yourself, share your strength.
    Linda G

  42.  #42cookie on March 22, 2009 at 9:38 am


    Thanks for responding and sharing how Rori’s tools work for you. Thankfully my brief affair with this guy ended with me getting excessed from my job and moving on to a new school, so I didn’t have to see him anymore. It was really becoming miserable seeing him everyday and he wasn’t advancing towards me at all. He had completely shut me out and treated me exactly like it was to him, nothing. I was the foolish one hoping it would be something different because one of my coworkers told me that she and her husband fell in love with each other when they were both in relationships with other people. So I believed that could be the case with us.

    The one thing it did teach me though is that my guy (I had called for a break in the relationship with my boyfriend of now 7 years) is just as good and as bad as every other man. And actually I was circular dating when I was having this affair (though I didn’t know it then) and pulling my emotions away from my guy actually encouraged my guy to propose to me. I didn’t know that was that guy’s purpose at the time. I didn’t realize then that he was just a messenger (even though he actually told me that in his own way). I wasn’t listening to the universe at the time (too busy being stubborn), if I had I would have avoided falling into him and trying to make him the one when he was already with someone. It probably would have worked in my favor because in the beginning before I was acting all clingy, he was acting like I was godsend from the heavens above. Then I became all regular and just like every other women. Who knew that me as myself is incredible and amazing? Lol!

  43.  #43Tracy on March 22, 2009 at 7:40 pm


    Thanks for responding,
    After reading your earlier post i was so triggered by it..i guess because i am in the exact same position right now…i felt i was slipping back…getting tired of leaning back and focusing on myself.I felt i was loosing focus and i felt like i was giving up….
    The whole experience is stil at the back of my mind the guy is stil on my horse…but i feel i need to keep on moving forward…as you so well put it…he’s just a messanger who triggered aspects of me i needed to work on…but he’l also help me bridge to the relationship i want…it feels good saying that!Thanks rori for teaching me that!



  44.  #44Tracy on March 22, 2009 at 7:54 pm

    must add that Rori tools actually work because the moment i started leaning back,the guy was all over me again,texting,wanting to meet and be with me….
    I am glad i am wiser now and i feel that what i realy want and need is not from him….he simply is not available to give it to me…and its okay..i am okay with that!
    Unfortunately for me,i cannot move jobs so i am stuck seeing him everyday…i might stay longer enough to attend his wedding.lol..
    Its not easy..it feels tiring sometimes…and i feel tempted to go back to my old ways…
    I feel though its a good opportunity for me to dig deep into my feelings….feel all the rage and humiliation and sadness that comes with it…i have so much of that and i need to let it out…and he triggers it most ofthe time…
    so he’s my messanger,my experiment…i need to learn to let go..focus on the world not on one particular person..no matter the circumtances..
    I am circular dating,and meeting new guyz…i feel that the man i will finally settle down with is on his way in..yeah!


  45.  #45carmen on March 24, 2009 at 7:05 am

    Thnak you, I needed to read that, I give too much and send the signal “don’t Dissappoint me” and so they do…Im the type that i give my all too early and then when he wants to slow down, it hurts me. I don’t know how to be a friend when I was once the girlfriend, I hurts. but Im trying to just be a friend and thinkin and loving myself more……

  46.  #46Linda G on March 24, 2009 at 2:17 pm

    A man I have been emailing through Match.com has decided that we should meet. He is several hundred miles from here. As I live in NYC, I suggest that I can meet him there, I do not want to bring a stranger into my home or town right off, I have young kids at home. He will be driving 6 hours to see me. He has rented a hotel room. Our communication began with my responding in feeling messages, very effective by the way and developed into quite a flirtation, somewhat suggestive, I figured I’d go along with it in my Diva way for the fun of it, plus, honestly, it was a huge turn on.

    My question, I have obviously presented myself as someone who he needs to go through a great deal of difficulty to get to. I want to do the six E’s, like experiment, but I do not want to sleep with him, as tempting as it might or might not feel, as I want to present myself as a valued person, not so easy. what is the best way to handle this? Originally he thought we should meet in the lobby of his hotel room and go for a walk, dinner. He said it would be “cheesy” to expect me to go to his room. I said I felt relieved he did not expect me to go. and that I would feel more comfortable meeting at the Metropolitan Museum. He completely goes along with that. How do I experiment, have this rendezvous, but keep myself worth in tact to be possibly considered, or at least not considered easy, without making it a rejection, or even a promise of “next time”. Even though it would feel thrilling to have an affair, it is unsafe, and I know it would feel horrible to get dressed and drive home to my kids afterwards.

    In other words, I need a Diva way to handle this, without compromising same.

    Linda G

  47.  #47Daria on March 24, 2009 at 6:26 pm

    Linda G are you married? What do you mean by affair?

    It seems very possible. Don’t worry, do what YOU want, communicate the awkwardness you feel (even now, because it seems you are setting yourself up for it by feeling worried… which is still ok btw…) and let him figure out how to make it better for you. You owe him nothing, not even a promise for next time. You are a Goddess.

  48.  #48Linda G on March 24, 2009 at 6:44 pm

    Daria; I am not married, what I mean by “affair” is a sexual encounter. I know I owe him nothing. He is actually the 3rd guy who traveled miles and miles to see me, those feeling messages really are inviting even via match email! One of the previous guys actually rented a motel room near my house on LI, even though we met in NYC. Ironically, I was originally attracted tio him, but the motel thing/having expectations of sex, was such an “yuck” factor, that I really got turned off to what might have been a really nice guy. I don’t want that to happen here. I guess the distance makes it safe to over flirt, plus I kinda get a big kick out of the response, ya know? Linda G

  49.  #49Dorothea on March 24, 2009 at 8:02 pm

    Hey Linda,
    It is good to see you say you know you don’t owe him anything for all the effort he makes, but maybe you do feel like you owe him something because of intense flirting?

    I feel like telling you “don’t worry!” This is something I have been working on, too, because I am a much bigger flirt than I am easy, and when sex comes up (sometimes early on) man oh man does it get scary/awkward for me, because I feel a mix of not wanting to disappoint or mislead a man while also feeling a little resentful of his forwardness.

    Although I haven’t figured out yet whether a man practically expecting or trying really hard to make it so that I will go to bed with him early on because I am a big flirt is a natural response that I shouldn’t resent, or if it is just plain sleazy, I have a little feeling speech ready to go for when it comes up so that I don’t have to feel bad or guilty for not wanting to mess around — and I don’t act like I am sorry or go out of my way to forgive him because the truth is that I don’t know yet if I really am “sorry” or if it is something I feel like forgiving:

    “flirting with you feels good/like a lot of fun/etc. right now but it doesn’t feel like the right time to get physical; I’m just barely getting to know about you/how i feel about you.”

    It is just a suggestion to get you started. I have only used this kind of message in particular one time so I don’t have any real data to back this up, but I like how my message is in three parts that authentically cover my truth about the situation: 1. I love the flirting (true) 2. I don’t wanna fool around yet (ultimately, is true, even if it could be fun) 3. If number 2 is to change and number 1 is to continue, I will need to know more about him and I will have to FEEL GOOD about it (so hopefully now he has a clear vision of my expectations).

    No “Sorry”. No “Ah, gee, I hope this is going to be ok with you”. No “no, no, it’s ok that you thought it would be cool to try to fuck me straight away”. No just giving in and getting physical. No leaving the situation and hating him and me both for my having said I totally forgive him, or that it’s ok, or asking for forgiveness myself. These are always the kinds of things that I would anxiously avoid or fear with men. Now I have a speech for it. And I do believe I will go on flirting at will 🙂

    One last thing, if the man tries to explain himself sheepishly or defensively with your flirtatious banter or behavior, you can always just shoot him a smile and simply repeat that flirting with him felt good.

    Dunno, I’m new to all this but I wanted to help!

  50.  #50Linda G on March 24, 2009 at 8:16 pm

    Oh Dora, I love your speech. in fact I think I should have it handy. I’m so nervous because when, on the rare occassion I find I am attracted to a guy, I just lose my cool. Hopefully this will all work out. I did, afterall, tell him I was relieved he did not expect me to go to his hotel room and that I wanted things to happen naturally, slowly and view the meeting as a beginning not a defining moment. I can’t believe I’m totally freaking out about a guy I haven’t even met yet!
    I’m doing my best to get other dates between now and then so I don’t focus so much on this one.
    You are a brilliant gem for helping me!
    Love, Linda G

  51.  #51Kylie on March 31, 2009 at 9:22 am

    FWIW, I think the Scarlett character is a character of lack, in the end. Yes, she’s beautiful and sexy and she knows that. She’s able to be vulnerable, and be real and live in the moment, and those are things that plenty of women do not have that are very very attractive.

    But what she has isn’t even close to enough.

    For example, she doesn’t have integrity. She isn’t making win/win decisions, constructive decisions, the type of decisions that, if a man were considering her as a life-long partner, he would feel made safe and encouraged by. Would you trust a woman or man who felt “ok” about messing around with someone else’s spouse (willing or not) because they “felt like it”? Feelings are critical to feel and accept as is, but they don’t make my decisions for me.

    Furthermore, she has a belief in scarcity. She has a belief in LACK. This goes along with Rori’s point about her “Disappoint me” sign. I believe in abundance. Its a difficult belief to maintain, because we all get very focused on what we don’t have, or what we FEAR we’ll lose. Its a normal human thing to have to fight off the cognitive falsehood that is belief in scarcity. But when you accomplish that, when you DO fight it off, you KNOW that you don’t need someone else’s husband – no matter how “hot” or “sweet” or “smart” or “sexy” or “into you” they are. Why? Well because there are a gazillion other men out there who are hot, sweet, smart or sexy and could be into me. Really. Seriously. There ARE.

    Peace and abundance…

  52.  #52Rori Raye on March 31, 2009 at 12:23 pm

    Kylie, Welcome, and Amen to your comment. (Are you familiar with the Sedona Method – I heard that in your wonderful description of “lack”?) I’d like to jump off into this perspective of “abundance” and put some Tools together to help. For now – what will help is NOT INVESTING – and simply EXPERIENCING. Just walk around and try it. Instead of focusing your energy on something you feel attracted to – see if you can take it in and experience it, down to your toes. Feel it. A very helpful first baby step. Love, Rori

  53.  #53gina on April 5, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    earlier I wrote about a guy who I was finding confusing cause we met on Match.com, had a couple of long phone conversations, and then I sorta stopped hearing from him. Rori assured me that there is no way I could’ve messed things up by phone, and that whatever reason he isn’t contacting me isn’t cause of a mistake I made. I felt reassured, but I wasn’t convinced that I hadn’t pushed the guy away, so I went ahead and texted the guy that I wanted to meet him and asked if he wanted to meet me. He said that he was sorta seeing someone now and that he would let me know if something changed – he wanted to “take a rain check definitely”. I said that it would be good to hear from him if/when the time is right. A few days later, he texted me “I’m ready for that date when you are.” I said “I’m happy to hear that.” And then we texted small talk later on, and I initiated some small talk today, and still no actual plan for a date! What am I not getting here? Was my response “I’m happy to hear that” too passive? Do I just keep doing nothing, or do keep things moving when he takes initiative. I’m curious to meet him, but I’m finding him annoying at this point. I guess because I’ve developed expectations. ugh.

  54.  #54Senior Lady Vibe on December 24, 2010 at 7:36 am

    Life is an experiment and it sure is fun. Merry Christmas. ( http://www.splashparade.com/smilies/santa.jpg

  55.  #55Senior Lady Vibe on December 24, 2010 at 7:53 am

    Life is an experimen and the more you experiment, the more fun you have. One way to keep passion in your life is to try new things and don’t forget to return to the old things that brought you pleasure in the past. Revisit them and look at them again or do them again…but this time add a new twist, Enjoy and then share with your sweetie.


  56.  #56AmberS on December 24, 2010 at 8:12 am


    You’re on a different street over here 🙂 I am so excited about your Montreal plan! We did it on a very limited budget the times we went, but had an incredible time exploring the waterfront. There are a few churches (Cathedrals) in that area that are gems. And the big church up on the hill is impressive, but to me creepy. We had to take the metro (which is modeled after the metro in Paris), and then a cab. Then can take you all the way to the top, so you don’t have to walk the penitents’ path. They are in the process of obtaining sainthood for their founding father. They have his heart as a relic in the vault- it’s on display. Architectural detailing is a hobby, so we have many many photos of buildings. The olympic village housing is a marvel to behold. It looks like Tatooine (SP?) from Star Wars. Strange & Wonderful.

    We didn’t eat out much – due to budget and dietary restrictions, so I have no recommendations. Oh! Except! There is an INCREDIBLE indian buffet there. We ate there on her birthday and it was amazing. I will find you the name if you’re interested.

    We were fortunate that the Intercontinental was undergoing renovations and was 1/2 the normal cost.

    The most amazing thing was the tour of old Quebec City. It was a bus ride and then few hours free time and I will never forget it. The old buildings have been restored. Wikipedia has a few good photos. Of everything- this is the one I would say was must see.

    I am so excited for you!!!!

    Hurrah for All Things 2011!!!!!!

  57.  #57Mona on March 13, 2012 at 11:09 am

    As I sit here at work I should be working doing my job of course, but instead writing in my new found journal as a means to deal with my feelings in trying to get over a situation. As I’m writing this thought came to mind: Scarlett Johansson’s character in He’s Not That Into You, story of my life. Then I decided to Google to really look deeper into what the character really represented and how I related to it. In doing so I came across this article. I relate to the character though definitely minus herself self confidence. My situation is this guy and were attracted to each other. We starting sleeping together, then I found out he was married. He told me he was getting a divorce. I kept seeing him. Then I started feeling insecure about it wondering who he’s with and what he’s doing. Slept with someone else. Told him and he cut ties with me. That hurt big time. While still reeling from it all, he came back. I was happy he was back but was still feeling insecure on and off. To top it off someone told me he’s been or had been messing around with other women including his wife. So I told him I feel like I’ve been torturing myself and I don’t want to do it anymore. He said have a nice life, yet it still didn’t really end there. We planned to meet up to maybe talk and see what happens. Well I never showed up, not on purpose was more a misunderstanding on my part. Tried to talk to him the next day and he was pretty much blowing me off it seemed even though he said he would get back to me. He called him at work one day an got him to plan a meet up. Spent the night together. I was leaving in 3days and had a going away the night before. I was still unsure about where I stood with me and even though I thought about several times I didn’t invite him. He found out and messaged me about it. I pretty much freaked out. I told him the reason and he never replied. I went to find him but he wasn’t there. I left came back, this time I believe he or someone was there but he didn’t answer the door. I sent him a message the next morning about how he doesn’t know or care how much he constantly hurts me. Then I messaged a couple days later from my new location saying the breather did me some good and I hope we can still be friends. Then I kept messaging on and off, smh. Needless to say he doesn’t talk to me. I’m trying to overcome but it’s hard. I still care for him. I do know that I need to work on me. I did browse over a few of the beginning comments and I too feel a need for friends that I don’t really have sometimes. I have friends, but not a lot. And the friends I have they all have other friends the spend their time with more. About the whole disappoint me sign, at first I thought all I attracted as of recently were married me looking for something they’re not getting. However, when I really think about it, I do get attention from a lot of other single men. Just not men I’m interested in, and especially since I was and am still hung up on this guy.

  58.  #58Carly on April 17, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Dearest Rori,
    Thank you for your amazing work.

    This is my first post ever on here, so i’m feeling a little nervous!

    I have basically gone and gotten myself involved with a married man!! Really wasn’t my intention, but i suppose after 10 years of being involved with man after toxic man and then being completely on my own for a year, I sort of got swept away by the attention I was getting from him.

    It all started back in early Nov 2011. I was singing at a restaurant and meeting all sorts of new people. one evening when I went in to watch another singer perform, I suddenly caught eyes with a man. He did a double glance at me as if he’d never seen such a lovely creature, and then the restaurant manager introduced him to me as the owner of the building. we basically struck up conversation and ended up having an amazing night of laughter and chat, wine and food. I left without saying goodbye as I was in a rush and that was that (or so I thought).

    A week or so later I was back in the restaurant rehearsing for another show I was doing, when he appeared. he looked so happy to see me and asked for my business card. He called me later that night and we chatted for a while.

    Trying to cut a long story short, he basically chased me for weeks, gave me rides home, brought me flowers and took me for lunches and dinners.

    I assumed he was single and so treated it like any other perspective relationship. We ended up kissing over the weeks and things seemed to be going really well. We connect in a big way on all levels. It’s respectful, easy, no drama, plenty of romance and no sex for the first three months. He opens doors for me, puts my coat on for me, always picks up the check when we go out. he likes to wash my hair for me and basically just showers me with attention, which makes me feel like the most beautiful girl on the planet.

    We went to London for the night about 5 weeks in, and stayed with one of his close friends. This is when I found out he was married. If i’m honest, I wasn’t overly shocked as he seemed too good to be single but I was ignoring the thought as I was having such an amazing time.

    He explained to me that he is living with a woman who he’s no longer in love with. hHe says she is very negative and a depressive. They have two children who he totally adores and he’s certain that she will use the children against him if he leaves her. He is also in the middle of a couple of major financial court cases and the pressure of it all is gastronomical. If he loses he’s frightened he will lose his house and that the children will have to leave their private school. He is such an amazing father to the children and works very very hard to keep everything going for them. He says he needs to make sure they are all looked after (wife included) if he divorces her. And so with all of this going on, he has to stay in an unhappy home.

    He also says that he never expected to have such a special connection with me, nor that it would have progressed the way it has.

    I have tried to cut him out fo my life on several occasions but I find it quite upsetting and hard.

    I am in love with him and find myself feeling more and more in love with him everytime I see him. My problem now is that I know he can’t meet my needs for a more commited relationship and I find myself wishing he’d show up and say he’s a free man. I recently decided to cut him out of my life and just stay on my horse and after 4 days of calling and messaging me and getting no response, he turned up with a card and flowers. I gave him a speech using feeling messages explaining my needs and not wanting to force him into anything. we both got quite emotional and ended up cuddling for a couple of hours. we are going around in circles. He says that he’s falling in love with me but that he’s holding back because it’s too much on top of everything else.

    I don’t know what to do. AARRGGHHHH!!!

  59.  #59Rori Raye on April 19, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    Carly – your coach is Virginia Clark – working with women who’re in relationships with married men is one of her many specialties – go find her and apply for a breakthrough session at http://www.ItsNeverTooLateToMarry.com

    Love, Rori