Here’s a letter from Rebecca, who’s in an extreme situation we can all identify with – and even here, there’s a LOT of room to work with and see what happens:

“Rori, I have been in a relationship for a year and a half…married to him for just over a year. Before we married he treated me great and bent over backwards to do things for me.

He always spoke politely to me and with an overall sense of respect. In the last 6 months he has started to be very short with me. For example I asked him the reason he doesn’t like cherries today and he answered very curtly saying; “just because I don’t.”

I merely wanted to learn something new about him but I was left feeling like it was a chore for him to talk to me. He also huff’s and puffs when I ask him to do something for me…like I am inconveniencing him or something. One other thing that bothers me is that he finds negative things about my mom to comment about.

She helps around the house because I am disabled and he never speaks to her. He stays in our bedroom while she is here and doesn’t come out until after she leaves. Not sure what to make of that.

He doesn’t have a job and he hasn’t had one for the past year and a half except for a few weeks working a temp job. He’s going to school online and gets $300 a month for housing allowance and he makes $100 a month from national guard service for 1 weekend a month. We are financially strapped and I find I am the one supporting us…which is very stressful.

Should I expect more from him? Sometimes I wonder if he is using me just for financial support. How can I know for sure. I stay because I love him and because of my disability I fear being alone and living alone. I hope you can offer some insight.

My Answer:

Rebecca – Everything in life is a tradeoff.

If you want total freedom, you trade-off total security.

We’re all looking to find some balance between all the values and needs in our lives and hearts, and to follow our dreams and expand our comfort zones without scaring ourselves into panic.

Your husband has limited abilities in both taking care of himself and communicating, and this does not mean all is lost. You also have some difficulties in communicating…and everything you read here, and any help this great community gives you will be extremely helpful for you.

Of course you need to get clarity on whether to stay with him or ask him to leave, whether you want to continue to support the two of you, or if he’s a burden you want to cut loose.

Whether you really love him, or just don’t want to be alone.

Again, trade-offs.

**My immediate tip for you is to see what can happen if you change everything – the way you’re acting, looking, speaking…the whole “vibe” you’re putting out.

Sometimes, just shifting the dynamic of your own energy changes the dynamic of the whole relationship.

One little movement of the tugboat shifts the whole ocean liner. One wave in the ocean rocks the boat…

And when that happens, often a man suddenly feels safe enough and curious enough to step out of himself and the pit he’s in to begin to engage with you more.

And then you get to see and feel and experience enough to help you get some clarity about what you really want to do here.

Try this first: STOP asking him questions.

Stop asking him for ANYTHING!!!!

He is retreating more and more (and my guess is your mother’s energy and way of being and speaking makes him retreat even more – not because you or your mother are doing anything wrong, but because of how his emotions and psychology and background are and what triggers HIM).

Most men would leave the house, or go into their “man cave” with the TV, or hang out with their friends when a woman’s mother is in the house.

Yours retreats to the bedroom and locks himself away.

This says more about his coping skills and limited options as a man than it does about anything else. He may be clinically depressed, and your asking him anything or for anything will just make him retreat more.

Often, this kind of withdrawal has to do with anger, and many, many men simply cannot deal with – or even get in touch with – their anger; and so it backfires on them into depression and withdrawal.

You cannot draw him out by trying to draw him out – he’ll dig in further, just like a snail.

Your job (for now, while you’re getting clarity and experimenting) is to LET him lock himself away.

Not only to let him do whatever he does – but to honor him and love him FOR who he is, even for all his coping skills, no matter how much you don’t LIKE them.

“Like” has nothing to do with accepting and loving.

Love and acceptance are unconditional – what our minds tell us, what we prefer are all conditional and only useful as information and data to you right now.

You need to simply smile more and appreciate him more verbally, and acknowledge him, and try to have as much fun in your life as possible, and STOP trying to get anything “out of him.”

After a while, you might see a change – and if not, if you’re getting as much help as you can afford from me and everything you can read online, and yet your needs are still not getting met (and it would be great for you to do some work around what your needs actually ARE, and how you prioritize them…), if the best he can do is what he’s doing , and it’s not working for you – then you have to decide what your options are and which road you need to head toward.

Love, Rori

483 Comments

  1.  #1Starbright on July 7, 2012 at 11:43 am

    I feel so impressed with Rori’s take on this situation!



  2.  #2Femininewoman on July 7, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    Me tOo



  3.  #3Emerson on July 7, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    Basically it means there is nothing you can do to change someone else’s behaviour all you can do is change yourself.

    This brings to mind recycledCD and how He could just shut me out so i changed by cutting off contact. I have not counted the days.



  4.  #4Linda on July 7, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    From the last thread 480. # 504

    Esteemed. Where am I in my journey. I feel I have come full circle and am standing right back where I started from 5 years ago.

    THere are no men in my world. I am very open to circular dating, have my profile up again but no takers. The men that have written, or expressed interested have not followed thru so nothing is going on.

    I do not have my focus on the ex. I do not want him in my life. I do however have residual sadness that it did not work, would have so loved for it to. If this last man contacted me again, I would not care. He has nothing to offer me. He had over two years to do that and he chose to keep himself closed off to me. He has rejected me and closed me out for the last time.

    So I go on with my life, but I am still seeking water.

    Linda



  5.  #5Hunnybunny on July 7, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    I recently went to New York in hopes of seeing a man I met online while visiting my bff. Well, I never got to see him only phone conversations and excuses. I tried the flirting techniques but was very uncomfortable doing this in a new place. Anyway, the trip was successful in that I saw my bff and I went to NY for 3 days via train by myself. It was empowering. Upon returning I recieved some intimate photographs that I had taking for myself and decided to load them on the 3 online dating sites I am using. Well, the responses were unbelieveable, incredible and it was men from all ages and cultures spilling their guts about how beautiful and sexy I was. It was so overwhelming and scary, that I took down my photo’s and got off the sights feeling that the only reason they were emailing and coming on so strong, is that they wanted sexual attentions. That was the 4th of July. Now I am sitting here feeling scared to go back and put them back up, and even the guys who were jerks to me before were coming back. Sirens, I need some advice. What should I do? Every female friend and family member that have viewed my pictures are just astounded as well. Help. I don’t know what to do. Also, the ones that I am really attracted to are out of the state, again remembering Rori statement that if they are not in the same state, they really can’t be in the row boat with me. I’m now in the house tucked away from the outside world due to feeling stuck and scared to death.



  6.  #6Sensual on July 7, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    Sirens, what do you think are the best feeling messages for when a guy isn’t as affectionate with you as you’d like? Ie when he cuddles you one minute but then turns away in bed, or when you go out in public and he doesn’t pay you the attention you’d like in front of other people.



  7.  #7Esteemed on July 7, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    Linda,

    4 – I have been in this same position – with these same feelings of constant craving – more often than not throughout my adult life.

    I felt kind of put off at first when Sirens and Rori’s programs suggested doing this, that or the other to meet men and to develop myself. But little by little, I did it anyway, more as a means of maintaining my sanity than anything. It was either get out and do something or spend another lonely night at home.

    I can’t say my life is now hunky dory, but it has gotten much better. So in all sincerity, I suggest getting involved in community activities (whatever interests you) and developing friendships with women and hanging out at Barnes & Noble, a fitness center, a church, or wherever you have an interest to hang out…where you will also meet men.

    I am going now to swim in my bay…and I intend to smile and make eye contact with men there…while I do one of the things I love best!



  8.  #8Esteemed on July 7, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    Sensual,

    6 – When a man isn’t all that close to me or committed, I just silently lean back. When it is a close, committed relationship, I would use a feeling message like…

    It would feel so good to be close by your side. I like cuddling with you..

    Something like that, whatever wording fits you…



  9.  #9FlowerChild77 on July 7, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    I can really relate to this post. The main reason I moved out two summers ago was because there was not way to communicate with him. He was ‘unavailable’ in every way and I thought I’d tried “everything.”

    Little did I know that by simply changing my thinking and how I was looking at the situation—-I totally changed how he reacted and how he treated me. It was a whole new beginning. It really WORKS. Others had told me there was no hope and that he was “this and that”—but I wasn’t ready to give up.

    This stuff REALLY WORKS! 🙂



  10.  #10Jasmine on July 7, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    Emerson,

    3 – “Basically it means there is nothing you can do to change someone else’s behaviour all you can do is change yourself. ”

    I totally agree.



  11.  #11Starla on July 7, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    I really like the Rori Raye teachings of letting a man be himself. I was raised by someone who was constantly expecting me to change and always moving the goal post so it was impossible to satisfy her, and so I have also developed the habit of never being satisfied with men for who they are. But I am getting better and better at it.

    To be honest, a lot of men are shocked and disturbed when you’re not trying to change them. Some men have grown to expect and LIKE this, in a twisted way. Of course, when you hold them truly accountable for that stuff, instead of just nagging, they poof, because they know you’re about to poof on them. These men aren’t healthy adults.

    Or something. I’m just musing.



  12.  #12Femininewoman on July 7, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    Sensual many men are like that after sex. The hormones tht get released after naturally makes them want to sleep



  13.  #13Jasmine on July 7, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    Starla,

    That is so true. The best we can do is let men be themselves. I’ve learned that the more you push, the less you get, and that instead of trying to change them, we have to let them want to change by themselves. Good point.



  14.  #14Femininewoman on July 7, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    Sensual you could also tell him you are feeling lonelu and disconnected and you dont like to feel that way when you are with him. Also that you are the kinda girl who needs a lot of touch to really feel loved.



  15.  #15Jasmine on July 7, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    Femininewoman,

    12 – I don’t think so. They’re not always like that. Right after sex they might choose to snuggle or to just go to sleep depending on the situation between you two.



  16.  #16Jasmine on July 7, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    Sensual,

    I agree with Esteemed. If you are not very close to each other, don’t say anything. Men don’t like to be demanded specially when they don’t owe you anything. But if you are very close and your relationship is good, use feeling messages just like she told you.



  17.  #17Starla on July 7, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    siren song, I rented “singles” to watch today. Thanks for the inspiration:)



  18.  #18Starla on July 7, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    My heart is healing finally:) And now I intend to keep focusing on myself. There is still so much that I would like to bring into my life, like habits of taking care of myself and my home more regularly. It feels tempting to turn to men, like a crackhead turns to the pipe instead of facing their demons. I have this vision in my head of a summer completely focused on me with no distraction of men. I will celebrate all this with a caribbean cruise at the end of the summer:)

    I feel like a butterfly in transformation.



  19.  #19FlowerChild77 on July 7, 2012 at 3:45 pm

    ((((Starla))))…I read your updates on FB and you are really an inspiration for me! I just wanted you to know that <3



  20.  #20siren song on July 7, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    Aw starla, i love that movie! Go janet!!!



  21.  #21Starla on July 7, 2012 at 4:38 pm

    19 flowerchild, aw i feel so happy to read that. can you send me a fb message please? i forgot which one you are=/ i’m sorry!!!



  22.  #22FlowerChild77 on July 7, 2012 at 4:49 pm

    Don’t feel bad…I get confused too about who’s who.



  23.  #23Femininewoman on July 7, 2012 at 5:13 pm

    Sensual, as you refer to being in bed I am assuming that this is someone you are close to. I can’t imagine sleeping with someone I am not close to. Also about the public display of affection, it is something some men don’t like. Especially guys who are afraid of being heckled by their buddies when they are alone. I have heard guys in my office tease each other about such things. There are guys who like to do it and there are those who don’t, he might be just being himself. If this is something that is important to a woman I believe only she can decide if the lack of PDA is a deal breaker for her.



  24.  #24Starla on July 7, 2012 at 6:21 pm

    ladies!! i responded to a personals ad on CL. I did it! I felt curious and inspired, and found one I liked immediately by searching for the kind of music I like.

    I feel proud of myself.

    And a little self-conscious since I just said “I’m not gonna date.”



  25.  #25Starla on July 7, 2012 at 6:33 pm

    I, Starla Stardust, hereby swear to uphold the Rori Raye modern siren mantra:
    Date at least 3
    KEEP THE FOCUS ON ME
    etc.
    etc.



  26.  #26Starla on July 7, 2012 at 6:35 pm

    it feels magical to follow my inspiration. I just went to the site, typed in a keyword, and the first ad i clicked on felt really, really good. I looked at the others out of curiosity, but they felt uninspiring.



  27.  #27siren song on July 7, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    Yay starla. Follow your good feelings. They are telling you something.



  28.  #28Femininewoman on July 7, 2012 at 7:08 pm

    ” I know we all operate that way a little – being
    attracted to people who are “challenging” – men
    too, and it’s what makes “The Energy Exchange”
    such a true and powerful Tool.

    So, I want to change this all around for you,
    and turn that Energy Exchange between you and your
    man to your advantage.

    Instead of looking to all the things you’re
    doing and thinking that are working against you,
    not serving you, and keeping you BELIEVING that
    your MAN is the prize and you must work to “get”
    him, and trying to understand those things and to
    stop doing them (all my programs will give you so
    many valuable Tools to help you with that) – for
    today, let’s try something different.

    Let’s just go with a new idea, and that is:

    YOU are the gift.

    Doesn’t matter where you are, or who you’re a
    gift for, or what it is about you that’s a gift
    (there are so many, many things that are gift-like
    about you) – but just that you ARE a gift.

    In general.

    For the butcher, the baker and the candlestick
    maker, the sun and the moon and the stars, the
    animals and flowers and insects, the air, the sky,
    and the wind.

    Just the fact that you BREATHE.

    I have my own opinions and fantasies about how
    we all got here, and what we’re each doing in this
    very spot at this very time, and why everyone in
    our lives at this very moment is in our lives.

    I have opinions, too, about why we’re here at
    all, and what we should and shouldn’t be doing
    about it.

    And I know that you do, too.

    You have VERY POWERFUL feelings about how the
    world works and about your unique and particular
    place in it.

    So let’s take YOUR feelings and beliefs about
    all this, and put yourself into an imaginary field
    of gorgeous love and light – so beautiful it wraps
    you in love and light like a protected, treasured
    gift.

    See if a beautiful color comes into your mind,
    and let the love and light be that color.

    Let the bows and decorations and sparkles of
    your field of light be made with magic dust from
    the outer reaches of the Universe and the inner
    depths of your own heart.

    Now, just say: “I am a gift.”

    Let’s make it your “mantra” for today.

    Repeat it over and over to yourself – out loud
    and in your mind, and let your body and your
    heartbeat take over repeating it – so it just sort
    of “lives” inside your body and rides on your
    breath and heartbeat.

    Let it just “hang out” inside you,
    effortlessly.

    Whenever you look at a man, or think of one, if
    you find yourself with that sinking feeling, that
    question coming up into your brain that says “What
    do I have to do NOW to get him and keep him?” – go
    back to your “I am a gift” mantra.

    Imagine your protected, magical field of love
    surrounding you, holding you, bathing you in
    beautiful light, in a beautiful color, and go back
    to your “I am a gift” thought.

    I know you certainly are a gift to me, and I
    KNOW that you are a gift to your MAN.

    So, when you catch yourself wanting to TELL him
    how great you are and how he needs to treat you
    better, or you catch yourself trying to SHOW him
    how great you are and why he should want to commit
    fully to you, or your girlfriends or your own
    thoughts tell you you’re not treating yourself
    with respect – for today – just say to yourself “I
    am a gift.”

    Even if you don’t believe it this minute – if
    you say it and think it and feel it enough times
    today, by tonight you’ll feel like the gift you
    truly are.

    Try it, and let me know how it works.

    In the meantime – I’ll hold this for you: I
    have an iron-will, “sure as the sun is coming up
    tomorrow” belief that this is TRUE – that YOU ARE
    A GIFT to a man, and that the moment you even get
    that THOUGHT going – he’ll SEE IT!

    Yes. Something will happen.

    Your own “vibe” will change, he’ll feel it, and
    all of a sudden the roles will reverse.

    YOU will be the gift and the prize, and HE will
    be the one looking at YOU with WONDER.”

    Rori



  29.  #29Femininewoman on July 7, 2012 at 7:08 pm

    ” I know we all operate that way a little – being
    attracted to people who are “challenging” – men
    too, and it’s what makes “The Energy Exchange”
    such a true and powerful Tool.

    So, I want to change this all around for you,
    and turn that Energy Exchange between you and your
    man to your advantage.

    Instead of looking to all the things you’re
    doing and thinking that are working against you,
    not serving you, and keeping you BELIEVING that
    your MAN is the prize and you must work to “get”
    him, and trying to understand those things and to
    stop doing them (all my programs will give you so
    many valuable Tools to help you with that) – for
    today, let’s try something different.

    Let’s just go with a new idea, and that is:

    YOU are the gift.

    Doesn’t matter where you are, or who you’re a
    gift for, or what it is about you that’s a gift
    (there are so many, many things that are gift-like
    about you) – but just that you ARE a gift.

    In general.

    For the butcher, the baker and the candlestick
    maker, the sun and the moon and the stars, the
    animals and flowers and insects, the air, the sky,
    and the wind.

    Just the fact that you BREATHE.

    I have my own opinions and fantasies about how
    we all got here, and what we’re each doing in this
    very spot at this very time, and why everyone in
    our lives at this very moment is in our lives.

    I have opinions, too, about why we’re here at
    all, and what we should and shouldn’t be doing
    about it.

    And I know that you do, too.

    You have VERY POWERFUL feelings about how the
    world works and about your unique and particular
    place in it.

    So let’s take YOUR feelings and beliefs about
    all this, and put yourself into an imaginary field
    of gorgeous love and light – so beautiful it wraps
    you in love and light like a protected, treasured
    gift.

    See if a beautiful color comes into your mind,
    and let the love and light be that color.

    Let the bows and decorations and sparkles of
    your field of light be made with magic dust from
    the outer reaches of the Universe and the inner
    depths of your own heart.

    Now, just say: “I am a gift.”

    Let’s make it your “mantra” for today.

    Repeat it over and over to yourself – out loud
    and in your mind, and let your body and your
    heartbeat take over repeating it – so it just sort
    of “lives” inside your body and rides on your
    breath and heartbeat.

    Let it just “hang out” inside you,
    effortlessly.

    Whenever you look at a man, or think of one, if
    you find yourself with that sinking feeling, that
    question coming up into your brain that says “What
    do I have to do NOW to get him and keep him?” – go
    back to your “I am a gift” mantra.

    Imagine your protected, magical field of love
    surrounding you, holding you, bathing you in
    beautiful light, in a beautiful color, and go back
    to your “I am a gift” thought.

    I know you certainly are a gift to me, and I
    KNOW that you are a gift to your MAN.

    So, when you catch yourself wanting to TELL him
    how great you are and how he needs to treat you
    better, or you catch yourself trying to SHOW him
    how great you are and why he should want to commit
    fully to you, or your girlfriends or your own
    thoughts tell you you’re not treating yourself
    with respect – for today – just say to yourself “I
    am a gift.”

    Even if you don’t believe it this minute – if
    you say it and think it and feel it enough times
    today, by tonight you’ll feel like the gift you
    truly are.

    Try it, and let me know how it works.

    In the meantime – I’ll hold this for you: I
    have an iron-will, “sure as the sun is coming up
    tomorrow” belief that this is TRUE – that YOU ARE
    A GIFT to a man, and that the moment you even get
    that THOUGHT going – he’ll SEE IT!

    Yes. Something will happen.

    Your own “vibe” will change, he’ll feel it, and
    all of a sudden the roles will reverse.

    YOU will be the gift and the prize, and HE will
    be the one looking at YOU with WONDER.”

    Rori



  30.  #30FlowerChild77 on July 7, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    Just because you want to meet people/men doesn’t mean you want to “date.” Just have fun with it! 😉



  31.  #31Jessie1000 on July 7, 2012 at 7:12 pm

    I think our perceptions about weight, fat, skinny, hot, sexy, all that stuff from media is really distorting for women who are either not the “normal” aesthetic of the moment, or who dont fit somehow into a societal norm, body wise, and I think it can be very devestating and painful for women and their sexuality….

    When I was like 220 pounds and had just popped out my second son, no job to speak of and was hitting around my late 30’s –I felt like I was the grossest think alive and no man would ever want to get with me….Not young and vibrant, few wrinkles, weight on the belly and hips…not so fun

    And, to top it off, what I believed about myself, I projected to my friends. I had a buddy, though, Angela, super sweet, who was always quite attractive but not skinny, she was probably 200 pounds all her life and she had more men than she knew what to do with….lol and here was the killer….she didnt think there was anything wrong with her….she absolutely gorgeous and acted like it all the time.

    SO….does our size affect our sex life? Or does our crazy brains affect our sex life? And then, guys go away because we cant be open and free and just be our selves and love and be loved?

    Of course, at my bigger size, I may not get the shallow, say gym guy but my size weeded out the wierdos….AND….when my roommate, who I thought was absolutely out of my league, a gorgeous soccer player and super fun and nice, started to hit on me….I refused to let him take off my clothes, when we first started necking ….lol cause I thought I was disgusting….and he absolutely did not!!

    So, being close to our own selves and loving our selves can make any size and any look super attractive!

    Dont hide away girls, if sex is difficult at the moment, try to forget about all the bull stuff that the media feeds us with…a gross poison that cooks our brains and fills us with conditional self love and is not in anyway condensed from the truth….

    Media sells happiness and lies to us that sexual happiness comes from being a certain aesthetic but dont buy into it….love is out there if we just love ourselves…lol

    I sound like a cartoon…tell yourselves girls all the things that you would tell your own daughters!

    Kisses everyone



  32.  #32Jessie1000 on July 7, 2012 at 7:13 pm

    I think our perceptions about weight, fat, skinny, hot, sexy, all that stuff from media is really distorting for women who are either not the “normal” aesthetic of the moment, or who dont fit somehow into a societal norm, body wise, and I think it can be very devestating and painful for women and their sexuality….

    When I was like 220 pounds and had just popped out my second son, no job to speak of and was hitting around my late 30’s –I felt like I was the grossest think alive and no man would ever want to get with me….Not young and vibrant, few wrinkles, weight on the belly and hips…not so fun

    And, to top it off, what I believed about myself, I projected to my friends. I had a buddy, though, Angela, super sweet, who was always quite attractive but not skinny, she was probably 200 pounds all her life and she had more men than she knew what to do with….lol and here was the killer….she didnt think there was anything wrong with her….she absolutely gorgeous and acted like it all the time.

    SO….does our size affect our sex life? Or does our crazy brains affect our sex life? And then, guys go away because we cant be open and free and just be our selves and love and be loved?

    Of course, at my bigger size, I may not get the shallow, say gym guy but my size weeded out the wierdos….AND….when my roommate, who I thought was absolutely out of my league, a gorgeous soccer player and super fun and nice, started to hit on me….I refused to let him take off my clothes, when we first started necking ….lol cause I thought I was disgusting….and he absolutely did not!!

    So, being close to our own selves and loving our selves can make any size and any look super attractive!

    Dont hide away girls, if sex is difficult at the moment, try to forget about all the bull stuff that the media feeds us with…a gross poison that cooks our brains and fills us with conditional self love and is not in anyway condensed from the truth….

    Media sells happiness and lies to us that sexual happiness comes from being a certain aesthetic but dont buy into it….love is out there if we just love ourselves…lol

    I sound like a cartoon…tell yourselves girls all the things that you would tell your own daughters!

    Kisses everyone



  33.  #33Starla on July 7, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    siren song, the youtube rental of Singles ain’t working! grrrr. I’m all over techsupport like “WTF dudes!?!?!”

    I can’t wait to watch this movie.



  34.  #34Starla on July 7, 2012 at 8:12 pm

    Jessie, I love the things you post here:)



  35.  #35Starla on July 7, 2012 at 9:04 pm

    This guy is very excited to talk to me, lol. I know, I know… I’m awesome.

    I feel kind of “meh.” I notice myself comparing him to CF and missing CF, if anything for the poor command of grammar (and this man’s belief that he has great grammar). It’s okay, though:). Really. It’s. Okay. If. You. Splice. Commas. *Explodes*



  36.  #36Vi on July 7, 2012 at 9:32 pm

    He totally didn’t like the photos I took on our trip and blamed me.
    I feel shut down and it feels like a heavy weight in my chest. And jaw and neck and shoulders are stiff and the mouth twitching. I feel sad and I want to look away or start scratching my cheek.. and distract my attention from feeling sad… DON’t SHOULD AT ME! Feeling angry… I am shoulding at myself…
    I am judging myself for taking bad pictures – I hear this voice, I feel my sad feelings and I gently drop this judgement of myself…. I feel good to find my judgement and gently drop it : ) I choose to be happy with the reality… : ) and I am dropping gently the judgement of the photos I’ve made…. they are blurry but when I made them I felt happy … feeling fun and curious and …. I didn’t feel like making photos ))) yes right I visited a cave for the first time and felt so excited and wanted to focus on the journey and remember each tiny moment and actually was making million of pictures of me and the cave and me exploring it – with my heart … : ) and it felt frustrating to distract my attention .. and I said that to him and suggested to make pictures on the way back.. but he still insisted on me taking photos and I “gave in” and they came out to be blurry…
    Vi, this is to remember to ask the next time “what he thinks” first and listen to his suggestions instead of MAKING suggestions… that would feel better .. : ) .. the next time you also could try to refuse doing what you didn’t feel like doing and see what happens…
    I feel the urge to say myself “try honor you feelings the next time” and I hear my guilt and judgement here and I .. I love you guilt and judgement and all the sensations you give to me.. I even feel SUPPORTED when you come up!… you give me a message that there is smth for me to know about myself and maybe heal or set up a boundary… or at least be aware of…
    Oh okay and finally I would like to gently drop my judgement of my man that he shouldn’t blame and should me.. : ) …I feel his frusration and that feels sad … and it feels good to really really hear another person… I feel more open and relaxed now… thank you photos that you came out blurry – I made one more baby step in feeling me and other human being… thank you, M, for our trip … I discovered much more than I expected : ) Neck and shoulders feel more relaxed…no urge to scratch the cheek anymore… hmmm .. “I feel sad that pics are blurry and I am sorry .. And still when I look at them l feel as happy as when I was there, exploring .. “



  37.  #37Emerson on July 7, 2012 at 9:58 pm

    32 Jessie I love this thank for sharing!!!



  38.  #38Starla on July 7, 2012 at 10:20 pm

    this email convo with this guy is great, and i am really enjoying it, but i would rather just meet him sometime and continue it then. and now i am forgetting all the great advice i’ve given to you ladies about getting off of email and into real life! eek! haha



  39.  #39Starla on July 7, 2012 at 11:01 pm

    i figured it out on my own:)
    lol i’ve got this dating stuff down… i shouldn’t ever doubt myself.



  40.  #40April Rose on July 8, 2012 at 2:33 am

    Wow, Rori,

    Your articles continue to astound me and speak to those corners of me that feel but have no words.

    I feel fascinated now with the concept of trade-offs.

    Something in me refuses to trade off ANYTHING with a man.
    So, I battle to keep all that is mine.

    And yet, surrender in the moment feels SOOO GOOOD



  41.  #41Daria on July 8, 2012 at 2:53 am

    Omg finest guy ever w sexual skills! I swear those ones know how to instill suggestions and also how to read minds

    It’s becoming obvious and I have that power too

    Wow and his sexuality matches mine and he came to pick me up n give me a ride wen I needed tonite

    No pressure from me ha!

    And. He had stood me up before and I was mad and didn’t talk to him for a month or give him a chance again

    Guess that worked 🙂

    Ahjhh

    And now he wants to see me tomorrow

    Weeee 🙂



  42.  #42April Rose on July 8, 2012 at 3:00 am

    “… it would be great for you to do some work around what your needs actually ARE, and how you prioritize them…”

    Yes.

    Then I read Daria saying “..his sexuality matches mine..”
    and I know this is one of MY top priorities too. I will honour it from now on.



  43.  #43Daria on July 8, 2012 at 3:01 am

    I suddenly felt as if I wanted to see no other guy,

    And he’s older than me 34

    And he looks young and fine and he drives a nice car and wanted to get me food and was gona get a hotel and

    DID NOT PRESS FOR SEX

    But did want to make me orgasm n stuff didn’t happen but omg

    It felt so thrilling turn on and intense when he was touching me

    And hehe even before I got there just taking to him I got done images of sex n got turned on. Did not even know he’d be fine n fly

    Omg I have a new boyfriend!



  44.  #44April Rose on July 8, 2012 at 3:06 am

    You can find out on matchmatrix.com if your sexual style matches that of your man.
    All you need is his birthdate. (And a couple of dollars for a calculation of your match rating)

    I have calculated all my partners for the last twenty years (6 or 7) and NONE of them had the same sexual style as me!!!!

    NO WONDER it didn’t last.
    Now I can stop beating myself up for a string of failed relationships.
    (((((((April Rose))))))



  45.  #45Daria on July 8, 2012 at 3:09 am

    April Rose – wow yeah tonite I thought about that, how I was feeling so excited Abt it, and how I appreciate when a man knows how to touch me to turn me on intensely. Yum



  46.  #46Daria on July 8, 2012 at 3:13 am

    And I’m seeing how I wd push men away before and now it just felt chill.

    Yay

    And I didnt too too much or talk to explain

    I started chatting at one early point and he kinda cut me off in a wat that I took to mean its better to be quiet so experimented w that and It felt nice

    Ahhh he was all in charge



  47.  #47Daria on July 8, 2012 at 3:20 am

    I’m the gift, and I feel so good about myself that I allowed myself to feel good and I am attracting awesome men and I’m being hella upfront with how I feel yay as I’m like I told this guy I actually felt insulted being asked to take the Bart to him

    Cux I did! That’s how I felt



  48.  #48Daria on July 8, 2012 at 3:26 am

    I’m feeling so smily n thrilled



  49.  #49Daria on July 8, 2012 at 3:28 am

    Oh and yes I’ve been waiting for men to open my car door this 2 weeks even even they say ‘it’s open’

    I say to them, oh I feel better wen the guy opens my door if they ask why I’m not getting in lol 🙂



  50.  #50April Rose on July 8, 2012 at 3:57 am

    Listening to Rori’s conversation with her husband, Rori says that she feels the purpose of relationship is that each gets to explore themselves with the other person.

    He says yeah, he can accept that. And for him, Rori is the person who is a safe place for him to be ‘home’.



  51.  #51Smile on July 8, 2012 at 4:09 am

    I am a gift



  52.  #52ulii on July 8, 2012 at 4:21 am

    @ 32 Jessie

    Thank you for writing that!
    I agree so much about what you say about media doing to us women. And I love what you shared about yourself!
    It really feels hard to struggle this “aesthetic” image of beautiful & sexy sometimes presented to us.
    I do feel ashamed of some parts of my body and it is difficult for me to relax in an intimate situation with a man. I guess that’s the main reason to with hold sex, not so much that I need to feel safe or be married or would feel attached (that too to some extent). But the main reason is I’m afraid that a man stops thinking I am beautiful after seeing me naked.. 🙂



  53.  #53ulii on July 8, 2012 at 4:39 am

    @ 5 Hunnybunny

    Great you had en empowering trip, even if you didn’t get to meet that man… you had good time yourself! 🙂

    What do you mean exactly by the intimate pictures?
    Are you putting them up on your profile for everyone to see? I guess if they are naked pictures, that would trigger many men’s sexual-oriented responses.. But if that’s not what you are looking for (only), it’s only natural to feel overwhelmed..

    I would consider putting these photos on my profile too, but making them private and choose to whom I show them if I so feel….after some kind of interaction that feels good to me. Because showing them to too many would make me feel too vulnerable.

    I’m myself also struggling with the fact that the majority of men who contact me online are from far away. I used to get in long chats with them, but lately I’m not anymore and telling them right from the beginning as Daria has suggested “I feel disappointed to see you are from far away. I’d love to get to know you, but I’m here only to meet men in person…” or something of that style, but then be open to see them if they would come to visit me. (I’m not inviting them, it has to be their idea). And some have. 🙂



  54.  #54ulii on July 8, 2012 at 4:45 am

    @ 49 Daria

    😀 LOL
    I want to start doing that too.
    Although, still feeling so silly with this issue.
    Like feeling afraid the man will be rolling is eyes or something… Well, I should let him do that.



  55.  #55ulii on July 8, 2012 at 4:46 am

    @ Daria

    And great to hear you are having nice dates! 🙂



  56.  #56Esteemed on July 8, 2012 at 4:48 am

    Daria,

    43 – I feel happy for you!!!! 🙂



  57.  #57Esteemed on July 8, 2012 at 4:50 am

    April Rose,

    44 – This feels interesting to me! It is one of the most notable things about R. I have always felt we match perfectly sexually, far far far better than any man I have ever been with! He touches me like the man of my dreams touches me!



  58.  #58Esteemed on July 8, 2012 at 4:59 am

    April Rose,

    50 – I really like that! I am home to a man. Yes. That is how I feel with R. I like it that he texts me in the middle of the night…



  59.  #59ulii on July 8, 2012 at 5:03 am

    Ok. So my Seaman cd has arrived to my town today instead of yesterday (he overslept for his plane).

    He wanted to meet me for breakfast in the morning (sending a sms while I was still asleep)…so I got back to him few hours later and said I’d prefer later as I have things to do. So he called me and we agreed to meet at 5 pm. We will go to have a late lunch at the top floor restaurant in my town’s tallest building (which is also the hotel where he is staying). Never have been there yet. 🙂

    I feel quite relaxed as I have no expectations whatsoever of him. It is a bit funny to use feeling messages with him, as he is not too good in English (nor am I, but he is worse.. 🙂 )…. so I feel he has hard way to understand what I am saying sometimes… 🙂 And then he is reflecting me on that quite a lot too.

    Still, I feel a bit puzzled in this kind of situations where a man comes to visit me and my town… buying plane tickets & hotel etc. Like I feel they expect me to be spending a lot of time (every day) with them. And of course I have other things to do. Although I have a lot of free time too. And sometimes even if I don’t have other obligations I’d still rather be spending time alone at my home or just go to cinema on my own (I enjoy that)… But at the same time I feel a bit guilty as I feel they have “invested” in coming here a limited time, and I even wouldn’t meet them.

    But other times I might like a man a lot. So then probably i’d be even too willing to spend lots of time with him. Maybe even complete days many days in a row. Is this bad? Should I limit myself in that case…and how?

    Well, I guess what I’m looking for is a nice feeling message to be telling a man who has come from far to meet me…that I won’t be seeing him all the time he is here.



  60.  #60Esteemed on July 8, 2012 at 5:07 am

    Hunnybunny and Ulii,

    Are we talking about sexual pictures? If so, I wonder why you are allowing family members to see them? And, if so, I wouldn’t, because you never know who is copying those photos and putting them on porn sites.

    What I like to do is put up attractive, nonsexual photos and let a man come to me on the basis of putting my personality out there, not my body.



  61.  #61ulii on July 8, 2012 at 5:30 am

    @ Esteemed

    Well… I was taking about pictures where you can see naked body yes…for it to be sexual, depends on the definitions and perceptions each of us has. I don’t know exactly what Hunnybunny meant. 🙂

    If I had some pictures done I’d imagine to maybe ask an opinion from some friend or maybe even my sister… but only from somebody I can trust completely. Well..actually I have some pictures done just for an experiment…and you can not see my complete face on them..as I am aware about the dangers and that somebody could copy them or send them somewhere i wouldn’t want… and I have not showed them to any friend or family member, so I’m already contradicting myself.. 🙂 I did them as at some point I was playing with an idea just to have a lover. So I never put them up anywhere but exchanged them with few men when they sent me their photos. And it was quite fun.

    But now I don’t feel like doing it anymore. I feel too vulnerable and I don’t want to start a interaction based on that from the beginning (I mean concentrated on body & sex).

    And probably I wouldn’t put them “out there” at all. But I might share them in future with somebody I have mutual trust & love relationship with (not in the beginning).. As I do find my body and a man’s body part of what we are…and it’s nice to feel the excitement he might have about seeing naked pictures of me as well. As I do believe men are quite visual about this. I don’t think it would be a bad thing.



  62.  #62Esteemed on July 8, 2012 at 5:35 am

    Ulii,

    59 – That’s a tough one! I would just take it in the moment, when it feels something needs to be said.



  63.  #63Esteemed on July 8, 2012 at 5:40 am

    Ulii,

    61 – It is fun to exchange photos like that! I would only do it with a man I know and trust. There are so many predators online who prey on people in more ways than they can imagine.

    A friend and her husband did a glamour shot makeover session for me in 2000, and they showed a generous amount of cleavage! I got SO many compliments off them. But over time, I concluded, like you, that I want a man to get to know me for my heart, not my body.



  64.  #64April Rose on July 8, 2012 at 6:32 am

    Still pondering trade-offs.

    What would it take for me to be willing to trade my freedom.

    Do I believe my freedom to be more valuable than any relationship?



  65.  #65April Rose on July 8, 2012 at 6:40 am

    I experienced a feeling of joy, happiness and lightness TWICE recently at the thought of being married to EM.

    What was that?

    Am I deluded?

    Then reality comes in.
    Last night (Saturday night) I felt scared when EM started crying.
    It was 9pm and I had said I wanted to go home to my woman cave and rest up my menstrual body.

    He wanted to know why I didn’t want to spend Saturday night with him, either at a party or resting up quietly at his house.

    I said there are certain times in my month where I don’t want any human company (no exceptions) and that I feel vulnerable and afraid sharing that.

    He said he didn’t understand. I’d led him to believe I was a woman who wanted marriage.

    I didn’t know what to say.

    Am I someone who could never be married?



  66.  #66April Rose on July 8, 2012 at 6:40 am

    I experienced a feeling of joy, happiness and lightness TWICE recently at the thought of being married to EM.

    What was that?

    Am I deluded?

    Then reality comes in.
    Last night (Saturday night) I felt scared when EM started crying.
    It was 9pm and I had said I wanted to go home to my woman cave and rest up my menstrual body.

    He wanted to know why I didn’t want to spend Saturday night with him, either at a party or resting up quietly at his house.

    I said there are certain times in my month where I don’t want any human company (no exceptions) and that I feel vulnerable and afraid sharing that.

    He said he didn’t understand. I’d led him to believe I was a woman who wanted marriage.

    I didn’t know what to say.

    Am I someone who could never be married?



  67.  #67Tam on July 8, 2012 at 6:58 am

    Ladies, I don’t know anymore 🙁
    So I needed info from MrU and have been deliberating almost a week, ended up with a long email including feeling messages about his proposal thing etc. then I looked at it today and thought ‘woman, you are ridiculous’ since he knows most of this and said he wants to be platonic friends now and I thought I was done.
    So I re-drafted it as just one sentence, 2 lines, as in hope you are well, can you please give me so and so’s contact details. Voila. Pressed send.
    Of course he writes back two minutes later saying ‘call me’.
    I immediately had tears in my eyes and I do not want to start this rollercoaster again, he was just supposed to write the info. Now, I don’t want to be rude and can hardly write back ‘I don’t want to call you’, he has been helping me a lot.
    What am I supposed to bloody well do now?
    I don’t want to call him, I feel scared anmd vulnerable and I do not want to speak to him.
    What to do?
    🙁



  68.  #68Femininewoman on July 8, 2012 at 7:01 am

    April Rose some women need to be married to feel reall happy



  69.  #69April Rose on July 8, 2012 at 7:04 am

    Tam,

    I would do nothing. If he wants to talk he will have to call you.

    What is your pattern in the past with him when he demands “call me”?

    If a man said “call me” I would respond that I don’t feel good calling men.



  70.  #70Tam on July 8, 2012 at 7:06 am

    He’s sent me an email with the info. Actually, as he does not seem to want me to get in contact with this guy (another man…hm), he just told me that what we had discussed about the guy was not an option anymore.
    Hm. Well, at least I don’t have to call him now.



  71.  #71April Rose on July 8, 2012 at 7:07 am

    FW,

    That’s what freaked me out about the really happy feeling I experienced when EM talked with me about my future.

    I could feel that he wanted to be in it, married to me, and I felt so happy!!!! And I felt so surprised to feel that way!



  72.  #72April Rose on July 8, 2012 at 7:09 am

    Can I be married and still have those ‘fully alone times’ that my spirit craves?



  73.  #73CurvySiren10 on July 8, 2012 at 7:23 am

    April Rose, 66.

    I think an important point here is that marriage can be whatever you want it to be. I have a lot of thoughts on this subject. In fact, a quick Google search of the term “LAT” (living apart together) will show you that many, MANY couples need and require time on their own, yet still want the commitment of marriage. Over a million couples in the UK alone, and over THREE million in the US. (it’s even a census category now)

    This may be a controversial topic here, but I am recently engaged to the man of MY dreams, but feel no where near ready to live with him. (or anyone) after only being divorced for a year and away from a toxic environment for a year and a half.

    My point is that YOU can define marriage as you see fit, so long as you both agree. If EM can’t understand your need to be alone for a period each month, I might suggest he’s not your “the one”. But I also believe that talking and exchanging information to the point of understanding is entirely possible. And if he understands, I’m sure he will accept that part of you.

    Just my 2 cents.



  74.  #74CurvySiren10 on July 8, 2012 at 7:31 am

    I just realized that I should add something to this. I am not a young woman and my children growing up, so I realize that a “LAT” marriage may not be suitable for younger ladies who will be starting families. (although MANY couples do it this way…)

    But reading all of the LAT stories has reassured me that marriage (much like relationships) is about what works for the two of you. Some people do great with the melding of things and lives and space. Others, not so much. As long as you are on the same page and respecting each other’s desires/needs, why limit it to a sociel “norm”??? I love this concept. But then again, I have always been a bit of a “rebel”. lol



  75.  #75CurvySiren10 on July 8, 2012 at 7:32 am

    argh, typos…my children ARE growing up.

    and sociel= societal.



  76.  #76Linda on July 8, 2012 at 7:49 am

    #28. I like this tool. I used it to transform my thinking about myself. I do see myself as a GIFT. I see my value. This used to be void in my life. I would say that of all of Rori’s tools the ones that pertain to having a healthy good opinion of yourself,(which I used to not have) are the ones that I appreiciate the most. They have made the most impact on me.

    Here is the deal though, it has not attracted a man to me. In fact, in the last relationship, I even said, “I am the gift here”… he said, “I dont see it” !! The day before we parted, he told me I was a wonderful woman, but it was not all there. That again?? Really??….. I stood with my shoulder squarely facing him and said in a calm strong voice. “That is right, and you will find none better” ! I guess that was my warrior woman speaking.

    His behavior did not errode my worth. Just because he did not compliment or touch me, Just becasue he did not want me does not make me less. Just because he did not “see it” did not make it un-visible. It just hurts. It does not feel good. In fact it feels really really bad.

    After a while with him, I did close up. Not totally but rejection stings and it does leave a mark and did alter my behavior. I admit it. I could not flow much or be just me. We could have been happy, if he would have participated and invested in us. He has his heart walled off. What a sad way for a person to choose to live. It is such a downer and it did affect me adversely. Nothing I did or did not do, nothing I said, or did not say, nothing made any difference or switched the energy flow.

    ———–

    # 38 Starla .. I like the what you wrote about wanting to meet real people instead of emailing. I am not interested in an email relationship. I wanna get off the page and jump into real life.

    #32 Yeah the old body image subject. Hollywood and society saying it does not make it so. Look at Sandra Bullock…. she has got it goin on! Her shape etc did not make a bit a difference in her marriage. Her guy left her…. (I used to think if I looked like her I would have it all and be happy) So it is all a lie we buy into.

    # 52 Uli The first man I was intimate with following my divorce said that he honored me and the body I had after having bourne children. I felt totally excepted, disarmed and comfortable. ( I dont have the perfect body but its mine, escpecially after having children). He is no longer in my life but was the best gift he could ever given me.

    The last relationship I had, I felt judgment and disapproval in his touch. I could not flow or be me with him intimately. I will never subject myself to a man like that again.

    Linda



  77.  #77Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 7:52 am

    Soooo I have a question,

    Does leaning back mean that the man is the one who ALWAYS has to start contact? Whether he’s a boyfriend/date/someone you like?



  78.  #78Starla on July 8, 2012 at 8:01 am

    Jasmine, basically. Unless you have a legit question to ask him. When you’re in an exclusive relationship with the commitment you want, then it changes a bit.

    There are some other relationship gurus who say the woman should just be letting him do 10% more of the contacting, but the idea is that HE is doing the pursuing.

    I’ve pulled off 98% or so letting them initiate in all my courtships, haha. It’s totally possible.



  79.  #79Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 8:05 am

    Wowww Daria,

    There you go girl!



  80.  #80Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 8:06 am

    Starla,

    Gooootcha. But still, if he initiates contact all the time, wouldn’t he think you’re not interested?



  81.  #81samy on July 8, 2012 at 8:16 am

    Hi rori.
    Thank you for your response to my earlier post if you remember – about the job in the other country and how he shut down and didnt contact me. You were right. we did have a heart to heart and everything was fine. He says he is deeply in love with me and wants to marry me in a year’s time. Thanks rori for being there 🙂

    On another note, my sister, who has worked with commitment blueprint and lovescripts too is in a disastrous situation only 10 days post her marriage. she cries every single day and my family and I are very upset and tensed about the whole situation. I suggested that she write to you and I am copying-pasting her letter to you here. The latest update is that she and her husband are sleeping in different rooms, making food separately and now he does not even attempt to talk to her… I have tried giving her all advice – earlier it was open and pure communication…and then of leaning back. now that she is leaning back, he is leaning back even more in what appears to me more of an ego tiff…a battle about who will bend first…. it seems like his mother still controls the way he thinks…and its very hard for my sister to get herself understood.. rori – we would REALLLLLY appreciate your advice. I am really banking upon you to see the situation objectively because i realize i may become biased towards my sister’s well-being… when advising her..but its their happiness together that counts. If anyone else has advice, its also welcome. we are all feeling very stressed.The letter is as follows:

    Dear Rori,
    I have been married only ten days and my life is strangely miserable. I dated my husband for six months before the wedding that took place recently. Before the engagement, things were lovely between us. I always leaned back, he always leaned forward, called me every day, took care of all my needs and was always present emotionally and in every other way. He would drive hours to meet me, cook for me, take me to expensive places. He proposed to me in the most exquisite way and after the engagement too things were great between us. I always expressed myself, he even appreciated me for being so straight forward and expressive.

    After a few weeks of the engagement, our parents had a ceremony for us in India ( our home country) where several expensive gifts were given to him and his parents. His mother exerted pressure on my parents to give even more financial gifts for the wedding and gave totally mixed messages to me about how she felt about me. At times, she would be extra nice and show me off to her friends and relatives ( and yes I am quite pretty and pursuing a PhD in one of the top schools in the U.S, My current husband works with a French aerospace company and makes a good amount of money. His family has several large properties in Delhi, India of which they are very proud) And at other times, she would act very controlling, look for opportunities to prevent us from spending time together and say small meaningless nasty things about how I lack a sense of fashion and how I my face is too big and my eyes too small etc.

    When I expressed myself to my man.. he would always defend his parents saying that they don’t know how to talk and you should not take them too seriously. I did not, because even though the wedding was planned in India, we had to live here just with each other in the U.S. Now, our cultural backgrounds are also different and his mother created a huge fiasco about how none of their ceremonies were followed in the wedding. When my parents asked her how to do it, she would just shut up and act angry. His parents did not show up for the dinner at the wedding even when I was all dressed up as a bride and my groom was sitting next to me. They mocked our rituals right there before the priest and were “generally perpetually angry” and disgusted for reasons that we have not understood even now.
    When offered gifts they refused to take any. ( And I know that this happened because I expressed myself to my fiancé and told him that I do not believe in the Indian nonsense of dowry ( where girls parents give expensive gifts and cash presents to the groom’s family and the groom). Also, my husband’s elder brother had a bitter divorce and the family felt a little scared of dowry charges which is a crime in India , on them which was another reason why did not accept the gifts.
    After a difficult wedding, I had to live with my in laws for a week before coming back to the U.S. In this one week, my mother in law left no stone unturned to make me feel bad about my appearance, clothing, looks etc, taunting me at how little gold I got from my family and all other sorts of crap. When I told my husband about it, he would sometimes defend me, sometimes defend his parents, sometimes tell them not to speak to me like that and sometimes join them in telling me how I din’t dress well enough for a new bride. When I told him that he never spoke to me like this before the wedding, he said that he din’t have rights over me till then but now he does. Later when I brought this up again.. he said hes also married for the first time and doesn’t know how to behave correctly every time.
    One day before leaving for the U.S, I requested him to talk to my parents on the phone before leaving and he refused saying that he and his family had been disrespected at the wedding.. even though I asked him several times he hasn’t told me how exactly they were disrespected ! I cried my heart and soul out before him, felt really lonely and isolated and hurled some angry words including.. that I don’t want such a life at the age of 27 and would rather be divorced and single than deal with such a life.

    We had different flights to the U.S and he did come to pick me up at the airport and almost cried at seeing me. When he took me to our lovely new home, I melted again, I expressed what I felt but he was again defensive and said that he will never talk to my parents and I should not control him. I gave it up right there and since then I have not tried talking to him about why he is angry at my parents. It just does not make sense.
    I feel it is nothing more than an ego issue and they did not like it that I told my fiancé that I would not want the exchange of heavy gifts in my wedding and that is how it happened. Also, my husband arranged for a two bedroom house for me ( because I requested him for one, so that I can study peacefully and have my own space in the house for the hundreds of books I have )… which my mother in law also did not like and said that I have a way of having my way with everything and so does my family. I guess, the root problem is that she does not like her son spending on me at all. He also arranged for a honey moon for us in an exotic location which has not happened yet and is due for the 25th of July.
    Recently, my husband who earns more than 100k a year and I am on a doctoral scholarship and earn less than 25k asked me to go a 50-50 on all household expenses and even told me that I should be paying for any dinners that I go out for or any other fun activities. While, this is not totally unfair, before the wedding he always took me out to expensive places himself and even when I had myself offered to share in household expenses he had said that I can save my money and he will take care of things. He also said that I dint have to share expenses just because I was going to live in the same house and that I was going to be his wife and so it was ok . What horrifies me is the change of words and behaviors. He has suddenly started acting very weird around money, is very concentrated on sex and resistant towards talking about emotions. And yes, he does plenty of chores around the house and wants to kiss me and have sex with me all the time but says twisted things that take my feelings away from him.
    I told him that I will only go to places with him if I am invited over by him and I will not pay for dates that he invites me over for. Also, I told him that I cannot afford those expensive places that he goes to and he has to let me know before hand if I am expected to pay so I can decide if I want to go at all.
    I am a virgin and we have tried having sex but its not happened yet. It has been ten days to our wedding and suddenly I feel like I am with a new man who only wants sex out of me and has no capacity for an emotional connection. I am unable to not judge him.. I feel like I have suffered so much drama and mental agony over the past 20 days that I don’t want to have anything to do with him. I have stopped talking to him even though we live in the same house. He cooks his own meals and sleeps alone.. he has not tried talking to me either. Every time I try talking to him, I feel emotionally tired as if I just cannot have an emotional connection with this man that I am now married to. I feel like I am talking to a wall where every word I say just bounces off and does not enter his heart and mind.

    After the episode where he told me to pay up 50% of all expenses, I have stopped talking to him and sleeping with him completely. He has not tried to talk things out with me either and I am just letting it be for now because I feel let down and alone in ten days of marriage.

    Please tell me what I can do to help this or I should continue doing nothing at all. There is this constant bitterness, discomfort in the air and makes me feel so upset that this is the fate of the start of my marriage.



  82.  #82Starla on July 8, 2012 at 8:19 am

    Not if you say “ohh it feels so good to hear your voice!” every time he calls ya:)



  83.  #83Rebecca on July 8, 2012 at 8:21 am

    Wow, today I had a lightbulb moment with the 5 second eye contact exercise. I realised I could only have eye contact with people who I am not interested in. I stare and then blush and look away from people I am interested in. I have realised I can make people feel quite uncomfortable by staring at them.



  84.  #84Jilly on July 8, 2012 at 8:22 am

    I am growing in so many ways!!

    So Rugby Man and I have spent so much time together recently and it feels really good and it also allows us to really “see” each other…

    He said he might have to move to Durango for work.

    I immediately in my mind went to “ok so this thing we are doing is just for now” and I felt so bad and shut down and sad and soupy…. and then I asked him what that would mean if he ended up moving to Durango (in a open and receiving way) and he said he would hope I would come with him but that he understands if I don’t want to and that we would make it work and that I’m his “baby”.

    I expressed that I felt really happy to hear that and that I’m just a girl and sometimes I have crazy thoughts lol…he said “i know baby, I wish that didn’t happen but I know it does”

    🙂 We’ve talked a lot about future …kids, family, doing so many things together…it feels really good…but I know I will feel a little “on guard”? until I have the commitment I want…which is marriage 🙂



  85.  #85Starla on July 8, 2012 at 8:22 am

    I woke up feeling REALLY good. and not thinking about CF hardly at all. I am going to try to get meeting this new guy out of the way today, because I’m noticing I feel a little “stuck” on it, like thinking about it a lot, what to wear, how to impress him, etc. And that’s not what I want. I want to really feel like “if he’s not in front of me, he doesn’t exist.”

    I have an obsessive thinking pattern when it comes to men/things that make me nervous. I wonder what I can do about that?



  86.  #86Jilly on July 8, 2012 at 8:28 am

    Jessie @ 32

    I loved that!! I totally agree…the way we feel about ourselves is such a factor in how other people see us regardless of our body shape/size.

    I learned this from practicing Rori’s tools…”I am the pie” and “I am the air you need to breathe” so many of her tools help us to practice feeling different about ourselves and then seeing the “outside” effect instantaneously…so amazing.



  87.  #87Jilly on July 8, 2012 at 8:29 am

    Dominique…I am sooo late to the party…but Congratulations!!!!! yay!!! that feels good and mushy and lovely to hear to you got married 🙂



  88.  #88Starla on July 8, 2012 at 8:30 am

    Aw jilly, I wish durango were closer to denver. then i would hoot and holler for you to go with him, hehe.



  89.  #89Jilly on July 8, 2012 at 8:36 am

    another thing with Rugby Man…

    we were getting ready for bed and he had been working hard for 2 days and he got in bed and I wanted him to shower…I did not want to snuggle AT ALL…

    so I expressed that I really wanted clean, fresh snuggles and he just laid there. This is the first time this has happened where I wanted no physical contact.

    So he said…”ok, but you’re going to be asleep by the time I get back” in a sad voice…as he got up to go get in the shower….awwww…((((Rugby Man)))))

    I felt so happy for fresh, clean snuggles…I made myself stay awake 🙂



  90.  #90Emerson on July 8, 2012 at 8:38 am

    (((samy)))
    (((samy’s sister)))



  91.  #91siren song on July 8, 2012 at 8:39 am

    Starla,

    I woke up not feeling sad about guy who loves me too!

    I feel really good not being around someone who is angry all the time, even though there are things i miss about him. It clicked for me last night that all that anger and yelling was draining the life out of me.

    I am free! 🙂



  92.  #92Jilly on July 8, 2012 at 8:40 am

    awww Starla 🙂



  93.  #93Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 8:42 am

    hahahha alright Starla



  94.  #94Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 8:44 am

    Starla,

    85 – I have the same problem



  95.  #95Starla on July 8, 2012 at 8:47 am

    Jasmine, I wonder if we can brainstorm some ways to manage this issue of ours. I guess, for now, I am just going to keep doing me. And not let it slide for any man.



  96.  #96Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 8:51 am

    Starla,

    It’s not even only about man, I get stressed out pretty easily about anything. Even if I have to go to walmart. It’s crazy. And I’ve tried to relax and everything (last time I went to the beach it helped a lot, nature helps) but it always gets me. I think the more we pay attention to it the more it’ll keep happening.



  97.  #97Starla on July 8, 2012 at 8:58 am

    Jasmine, the good news is anxiety can be helped a lot by changing diet and exercise. Are you already pretty focused on this stuff?



  98.  #98Esteemed on July 8, 2012 at 9:03 am

    April Rose,

    65 – I think it’s healthy for everyone to spend alone time, married or not. Like that song from Chicago says, “Everybody needs a little time alone.”



  99.  #99Starla on July 8, 2012 at 9:13 am

    I was an anxious mess (like anxiety to the point of suicidal tendencies) and then I:
    Stopped drinking caffeine
    Stopped nicotine
    Started getting more sleep
    Started exercising regularly
    Did things to regulate my blood sugar



  100.  #100Esteemed on July 8, 2012 at 9:20 am

    Jasmine,

    77 – ideally, according to Rori, we should only initiate contact with a man when we feel secure in his love, in an established relationship.

    I find that impossible to do for myself.



  101.  #101Femininewoman on July 8, 2012 at 9:27 am

    Tam I would just call him and tell him that. I think the resistance you are putting up against your feelings is creating more agony for you.



  102.  #102Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 9:27 am

    Starla,

    What do you mean if I’m pretty focus on his stuff? I am really bad at exercising :/ and I don’t eat really good.



  103.  #103Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 9:28 am

    Esteemed,

    You say it’s impossible for you to not initiate contact?



  104.  #104Starla on July 8, 2012 at 9:31 am

    Jasmine, hehe, girl, that is a big reason you experience such anxiety! diet and fitness are huge contributors to your mental well being!! Rori talks about this sometime – particularly blood sugar. I have to go for a run now, but lots of women here can help you with this. I’ll be back later!



  105.  #105Tam on July 8, 2012 at 9:49 am

    101 and FW, I did it.
    I cut loose. I wrote MrU a long email, since he got some facts twisted, he did not know that I dumped the other guy for him etc. I told him everything, and at the end I said that I can’t be platonic friends with him, as it just goes against my feelings and that this was the hardest thing I ever did but I needed to move on.
    I laid myself totally bare and I know this is the end. But there was no other way…he will be pretty shocked when he reads it but it is all the truth and I did not blame him at any stage.
    I should be proud of myself but I just said goodbye to my second best friend in the whole world. Buhuuuuuu.
    🙁



  106.  #106Tam on July 8, 2012 at 9:53 am

    it was no use to carry on because he would always have been able to pull me away from any other man, any other man at all.
    And he was excited and told me about his plans to move to Europe and it was clear to me that I am not in his future. I feel he also tried to get a reaction from me but well, I am done with reading between lines.
    I do know he loves me too but what good is that when he is too scared to act on it?
    Maybe I made a mistake, I don’t know, but I had stuffed my feelings for too long.
    I suppose I ‘let him have it’ but at least managed to work in some feeling messages. You can’t lose what you never had



  107.  #107ulii on July 8, 2012 at 10:02 am

    @ 106

    ((((Tam))))

    “I do know he loves me too but what good is that when he is too scared to act on it?”

    I think you did well…sometimes we need to get it out by writing long e-mails.
    And for sure there will be someone who will “act on it” for you. I hope for me too.
    Hugs!!



  108.  #108ulii on July 8, 2012 at 10:06 am

    @81 Samy

    That sounds all quite horrible & overwhelming. I hope Rori will have a moment to comment on this.Hugs to you and to your sister!!



  109.  #109Tam on July 8, 2012 at 10:07 am

    107 – ulii, thank you.
    It’s so tough as we click and even as friends we were so happy, just to sit next to each other. I never met a man like this before.

    I see he has not answered, he retreated into the cave and I do not blame him, I know he is sad too.

    Ulii, I had a ship technician bf once…it was a hard life, long distance but sometimes I used to get to cruise 😉



  110.  #110ulii on July 8, 2012 at 10:11 am

    @ Linda 76

    That feels good to read. I do have had some men telling me and my body are absolutely perfect for them. 🙂 I just might to start to believe it.

    And of course… we are the GIFT regardless of any men and their reactions and their ways of communicating or abililties to do the realtionship or not. What I am reading about your last relationship…I feel you have dealt with it great, and I feel there is something way better coming to your way. 🙂

    Hugs!! (((Linda)))



  111.  #111Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 10:12 am

    Starla,

    Yeah I know, I started running when summer began but I injured my knee so I haven’t run after that. I always want to but I never do, I just get lazy.. specially when I’m only 102 pounds lol



  112.  #112ulii on July 8, 2012 at 10:19 am

    @ Jasmine 111

    Hei…I am about that weight too ( I think, I don’t know about the pounds, but I.m about 52kg).. And I started running regularly 2 months ago. I have not lost much weight but i feel the soft parts have been replaced by muscle. I do feel a lot better, and mostly stronger and more fit. I feel all the muscles developing and it feels great.
    I needed the motivation to start with a friend…and we were going together during the first month and it was great fun. But since she got a all day job I’m going alone, and running quicker and without any stops or rests in between… So I really feel great about that. Soon I could do a marathon (or half..). And I got started inspired by Lizka & Starla on this blog.

    For the knee injury…I would recommend you don’t run on the asphalt…if you have possibility to run on the ground (country roads or parks)…that is the best option. Less stress for your feet & knees.



  113.  #113Daria on July 8, 2012 at 10:30 am

    I don’t want my soft parts turning hard… I’m into my own model of beauty and hard-body isn’t it.

    But I do an exercise called T-tapp u can look online it has a try before u buy section

    These exercises look easy but omg they work so well for my health and posture … They’re designed to work with the lymph system

    Also, I love Walking! Walking feels so fun and it gives me a balanced womanly shape

    Also Dancing!



  114.  #114Smile on July 8, 2012 at 10:33 am

    This post from Rori describes what I went through perfectly…’the man in a cave scenario’



  115.  #115Tam on July 8, 2012 at 10:38 am

    I trust that I did the right thing. But I feel terribly confused and sad and fidgety.
    I so wish we could just be friends without the ambivalence, but I can’t do it. Sometimes I think I can but it just wouldn’t ever work. I feel sad that he is sad and in the cave now and I feel sad that I had to be so drastic as to stop being friends.
    I do not know if it was really necessary….but I felt like it was..hrmpf.



  116.  #116Linda on July 8, 2012 at 10:40 am

    Ulii Thank you. I so want something better. There was too much ick . My mind drifts to the relationship trying to sort it out sometimes. Honestly, when I do it pulls me into a quagmire and I freeze up. Other times I get triggered by something and a emotion leaps out and consumes me. I am to the point where I cant or feel I shouldn’t even share what has happened to me with anyone (like a new love interest) because it feels ugly unexplainable and makes me feel anxious all over again.



  117.  #117Smile on July 8, 2012 at 10:43 am

    ((tam))



  118.  #118ulii on July 8, 2012 at 10:45 am

    So…
    I will update now.

    Just got back from the date with Seaman cd (the ship technician).
    Well…that was some experience… I was already a bit worried as he had overslept for his plane yesterday ( a lot)… But I tried to have an open mind.

    Let’s say that he had a bit blurry eyes when I met him, so I was not completely sure if it was because he was sleepy or because he was drunk. He was waiting for me in the hotel lobby bar. He was handsome (like I had seen from the pictures). But… he smelled of alcohol and nicotine and was shaking all over (he told me he is quitting smoking). So I had a coffee there while waiting him to finish the beer he was having.

    Ok, so we went to the upper floor restaurant. Turned out it was closed. But there was another lobby bar at the hotel top floor with amazing views of my town and the sea & port. So we stayed and he ordered a bottle of wine. I only got to have 1 & half glass from there as he was drinking the rest really quickly.

    He was telling me some stuff of is life…mostly repeating already what we had been discussing online. But he seemed so nervous and absent minded. And most of all…he seemed really tired. And I would say he was really-really drunk as well. So i asked how many beers he had already..and he answered 10. That without eating anything during the whole day.

    He asked another bottle of wine and the waitress refused to sell him more. (She said “I’d recommend a little break right now.”). Ok, we continued talking, but I started to feel uncomfortable. As he was getting a bit too loud. And with a harsh movement he accidentally spilled all his glass of wine over the table (and me!)…so the waitress came to clean.. He said he was sorry, and continued talking…and spilled a glass one more time (this time it was less wine so it didn’t get to me…). 🙂 And then he says…he really likes me, and he does know he shouldn’t be drinking. But he has been 6 weeks on the ship. It’s so hard work and he has not been drinking at all there. So now when he gets “out” he needs to do it to “adapt”. And now he was coming to see me and “party”….

    Ok…so I say. I think you really need some rest. I don’t know if I like you as I have seen no real you while you have been drunk. And I don’t feel good about this meeting like that. He said he understands.

    So we left the bar. He was walking out and the waiter had to run after him with the bill. He almost walked into a mirror in the hotel lobby. And he tried to take my hand and hug me in the elevator, but I stopped him as I didn’t felt open to it at all.

    So he promised he’d go to sleep and he’ll call me tomorrow after waking up and wouldn’t drink at all tomorrow. I kind of doubt it.. and have a off feeling about all this already.

    What do you think? Should I see him tomorrow if he has not been drinking?



  119.  #119Healing Waterfall on July 8, 2012 at 10:46 am

    Hi
    It feels good to hear all the shifts you sirens are making…..

    (((((((sirens))))))))))))))))

    I just wanted to say that a lot has happened in my universe when i was not coming on to post…..one of my best friends found out she has cancer and they scheduled her for surgery the next week…..she is recuperating, another friend is having marital stresses, and so i don’t think to come on and talk about these things on here….but it feels so nice that you all noticed my absence, so I feel motivated to just come on and say hi.
    i am just working on releasing unproductive feelings and thoughts about wealth these days and it is helping me ask for support and feel supported.
    Hope you all have a great day.



  120.  #120Tam on July 8, 2012 at 10:47 am

    Thank you Smile. I almost feel worse for him because he is so sensitive too behind the hard front and had abandonment issues (mother) and now I abandoned him too. I know he is devastated and that is why I did not do it before.



  121.  #121Linda on July 8, 2012 at 10:48 am

    So… I finally have a man asking me to meet him this evening off of the dating site. I just spoke to him on the phone. I can say that my first impression is not great. His vocal tone and his speech was “very low energy” and not in boy energy at all. I feel ambivalent. I can already tell he is not my type after speaking to him. ohh well….

    I will meet him, he will be practice.

    Linda



  122.  #122Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 10:48 am

    Ulii,

    You’re way bigger than me! Lol, that’s 114 pounds. I wish I was there, or at least 110. I actually need that motivation, I don’t want to run by myself although I did it without any problem when summer started, but it’s better if you have someone to go with. I know what you mean about getting fit, I was starting to get that before I injured my knee and it was awesome! But since it’s been two months I don’t run I feel so inactive, and the less I work out the lazier I get.

    How often do you run and for how long?



  123.  #123Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 10:51 am

    Haha Linda,

    Don’t assume anything. You can give it a try. After all, you don’t have to “date” him, just use him as entertainment. On another note, you girls are brave. I don’t trust any guy on any site.



  124.  #124Smile on July 8, 2012 at 10:53 am

    Tam, these thing are hard. I feel your anxiety. Try and take your mind off it. Easier said that done I know. He needs to deal with his abandonment issues for himself, this should not be a reason not to do the right thing by you. Do not feel any blame for this.



  125.  #125ulii on July 8, 2012 at 10:53 am

    @ 119

    Hi Healing Waterfall!! 🙂
    Hope your friends get better!

    Have a nice day too!



  126.  #126Smile on July 8, 2012 at 10:57 am

    I’ve recently joined the gym. I Went several times in a week but Im struggling to find the time. I will try and prioritise this next week as I always do feel better after a work out. I need to maintain it to see any physical change in my appearance but this is not my goal at the min. It’s just to make me feel good



  127.  #127Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 10:59 am

    Ulii,

    118 – Forget about that guy. He didn’t even had any consideration that it was your FIRST meeting!! Jeez. He’s clearly an alcoholic. You don’t need that.



  128.  #128Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 11:00 am

    Smile,

    126 – Give me some of that motivation lol



  129.  #129Tam on July 8, 2012 at 11:00 am

    Thank you Smile, you are right, he is a grown man. I need to remind myself that if he had wanted me to not abandon him, he’d have taken the necessary steps.



  130.  #130Smile on July 8, 2012 at 11:04 am

    Tam, that’s the attitude girl!! Staying positive in the tough times is the hardest thing but stay focused on your feelings and wants and needs. You can’t worry about his too. Your right he is a grown man and the only one who can deal with his feelings.



  131.  #131ulii on July 8, 2012 at 11:04 am

    @ 122 Jasmine 123 Daria

    Well… I am bigger than you so, Jasmine 🙂

    I feel lazy sometimes too. Quite much so. But then I try to remember how good I’ll feel after the running. And while I’m running I get my mind of any obsessions or issues I should not be dealing with…like it helps me to lean back tremendously. But I do think you need to be careful if you’ve had that injury. Maybe ask some recommendations from your doctor.

    I go mostly 4-5 times a week. And running about an hour and 10 minutes non stop (between 6-7km).

    And no, Daria, I don’t want all my soft parts turn hard eiteher… 🙂 Luckily I still have the soft parts too.. 🙂 And I maintain them with eating quite a lot too, fat and all.. 🙂 But I notice that my body posture is getting much better with running also. And I love how some muscles are shaping out beautifully.

    I love dancing as well. I have always been doing that as much as i can…either ballroom dancing, traditional dances or salsa. Can keep you fit easily + gives security to feel more feminine in your movements (at least to me it does).



  132.  #132Linda on July 8, 2012 at 11:04 am

    ewwwh. Reading your story Ulli makes me feel uncomfortable and I was not there. I am sorry. I got the impression that this fellow was going out of his way to come to see you. It seemed sweet and making you a priority etc. Now I am not so sure. I guess really examine how you felt when you were with him. Go with your gut on this one.

    —–
    This brings me to this question. Do guys even think to try to make a good impression? Do they think about behaving well, smelling good, looking good for us?

    This guy I am going to meet said… ummm I dont know where to meet and I was responding to his invitation. So I suggested a place after he stammered around a bit, I felt umcomfortable listening to him. He said ummmm I think I can find it. I told him exactly how to get there…. he said ummmm is there a dress code?… “nope”…. ok good, cause I am gonna wear comfy clothes. Tennis shoes and t-shirt. okaaay then….

    Can you say ummmmmmmmmm “not impressed already”.



  133.  #133Smile on July 8, 2012 at 11:06 am

    Jasmine- have you ever heard of the saying ‘energy creates energy’?

    Each time you do something it gets easier. Just gotta get over that first hurdle.

    When did you last exercise? In any form?



  134.  #134ulii on July 8, 2012 at 11:06 am

    Sorry, 113 Daria (my last post)



  135.  #135Smile on July 8, 2012 at 11:08 am

    Ah Jasmine I see you have an injury. Swimming?



  136.  #136Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 11:09 am

    Smile,

    Like two months ago. I was running but I injured my knee and stopped. So I got lazy again.



  137.  #137Smile on July 8, 2012 at 11:10 am

    I too use exercise to clear my thoughts. I tend to go when I start to feel anxious. It’s also something I can do when I want to do something but if friends or family are busy.



  138.  #138Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 11:11 am

    Ulii and Smile,

    My injury wasn’t too bad but I couldn’t walk well after that. So the doctor told me to wait for it to heal and then start running again. I think I’m bad at warming up before running and that’s why it happened



  139.  #139Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 11:12 am

    Ulii,

    you run a LOT!! I can’t go more than 15 min nonstop.



  140.  #140Smile on July 8, 2012 at 11:13 am

    Jasmine, if your injury is healed get your running shoes on girl! If not your next step is to seek advice for it.



  141.  #141Tam on July 8, 2012 at 11:13 am

    I do feel tempted to say: I am not dropping you, this is about me honouring my feelings, but I’ll resist.



  142.  #142Smile on July 8, 2012 at 11:15 am

    Sorry just seen post 138

    Do you have good running shoes? This made all the difference for me. I wear asics to run in.



  143.  #143Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 11:16 am

    Linda,

    OF COURSE guys worry about giving a good first impression IF they want to take you seriously. They don’t necessarily have to dress up like a “ken” but they DO want to be impressive.



  144.  #144Smile on July 8, 2012 at 11:17 am

    Tam, maybe tell yourself this but I woul resist making contact with him now.



  145.  #145Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 11:19 am

    Oh yeah Smile,

    I’m all healed and my running shoes are fine. I just don’t warm up really well. I was thinking about starting my running routine tonight since it is so hot during the day.



  146.  #146Smile on July 8, 2012 at 11:19 am

    Jasmine, also if you have an I phone download the app couch to 5k. This is motivating and builds up slowly. It counts you to 5k but not all in one day, lots of ladies I know at work use this.



  147.  #147Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 11:22 am

    Smile,

    146 – What is that?



  148.  #148Tam on July 8, 2012 at 11:22 am

    I will, thank you Smile



  149.  #149ulii on July 8, 2012 at 11:26 am

    @ 139 Jasmine

    It is quite a lot yes. But I got to that from zero quite quickly, like in 2-3 weeks. I think first week i needed a break after every 15 minutes. But soon I discovered I don’t really need the breaks anymore.



  150.  #150Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 11:27 am

    Ulii,

    How tall are you?



  151.  #151Smile on July 8, 2012 at 11:29 am

    http://www.c25k.com/

    It will help you build up your stamina each time so it’s not so hard to run. It’s also like having a fitness instructor.

    If you have an I phone look in the app store.



  152.  #152Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Smile,

    I have a blackberry. I’ll look it up online. Thanks!



  153.  #153Rebecca on July 8, 2012 at 11:34 am

    Sirens

    I wonder if I will ever have a relationship where I feel happy. I want to be with someone and feel a mutual attraction.

    I have only had 2 boyfriends that I have felt that with, and the first one broke my heart.

    There seems to be a pattern with me. The men I fancy are not interested in me, and vice versa.

    How do I change this? Is there a way or is it just the luck of the draw? Experience has taught me that it is just the luck of the draw. I think I can follow all of Roris tools, which I think are great, yet deep down I feel very fatalistic that I won’t meet anyone that I really, really fancy.

    I already have umpteen male friends, but the ones that I fancy just poof… Hmm… Maybe I need to switch the focus back onto me??



  154.  #154luzydel on July 8, 2012 at 11:34 am

    I am just here trying to figure out why I am feeling so bored towards men… It is like a huge change in me, from wanting a man’s attention so much and beeing so needy to “yeah whatever, prove it.” I don’t know it is like they have become so predictable and boring…



  155.  #155Smile on July 8, 2012 at 11:36 am

    Let us know how you feel after your run this eve Jasmine! I’m more motivated to run tomorrow eve now! Woop! Bring on the exercise!



  156.  #156Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Heheh I will, I will. Now it is a commitment



  157.  #157ulii on July 8, 2012 at 11:39 am

    @ 132 Linda

    Yes, I could say I felt uncomfortable.
    I don’t know how much of this guy coming here is about making an effort to see me. I kind of got the impression he is a bit desperate to meet a nice girl. He has a messed up ex marriage and a son of 2 years whose mother doesn’t let him to see his son. And then some ex girlfriends with what he called “drug issues”. But he has a really good job, so while he is free ( a month every 5 weeks) he is travelling a lot. So I guess there was not much problem for him to get the tickets to come to see me on his vacation time. And I am a nice girl, so of course, he would like me.. 🙂 But no way I’am investing my time with somebody with serious alcohol issues.

    I feel that a guy who I’d take seriously would be someone who has made that efforts that you describe “behaving well, smelling good, looking good for us” :).

    But I did felt sorry for this man too.

    About your possible date. I was told once that too. That I’ don’t have time to change, I’ll be casual. So to that i responded, “Well…I’m dressing quite elegant all the time…:)”…And then the guy said. “Ok… I try to run to change then. And he did.



  158.  #158ulii on July 8, 2012 at 11:44 am

    @ 150 Jasmine

    I am quite small. 160 cm (I don’t know the feet-system).
    I think I am normal weight being 52 kg. However, my doctor recommended not to get under 50 for me. That would be unhealthy already, he said.



  159.  #159Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 11:47 am

    Rebecca,

    Take your focus off “luck”. It is not easy to find a guy that fulfills you in all kinds of ways, so you have to be patient. The times where I found I guy I was really interested in, it happened when I least expected it.

    So yes, take the focus back onto YOU 🙂



  160.  #160Smile on July 8, 2012 at 11:52 am

    Rebecca, Rori recently wrote about this a few threads ago… Get your subconscious on board I think it was. You have to believe he exists… Maybe worth a look back



  161.  #161Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 11:53 am

    Ulii,

    You’re a little shorter than me, that’s around 5’2″. I am 5’4″ so you can imagine how skinny I am haha. I want to gain a little extra pounds, like 5. Every time I go to the doctor they say I am so thin! But that’s because of my metabolism and my body build. I don’t care much though, I just want to get my body fit now.



  162.  #162Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 11:55 am

    Mmmm Luzydel,

    What did you do to get to this “whatever” point?



  163.  #163Gingerbell on July 8, 2012 at 11:59 am

    Just watched this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEdHz0eIpm4 …very interesting – I’m re-thinking EVERYTHING 🙂 would love to know your feelings about this Rori and everyone xx



  164.  #164Daria on July 8, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    “It is a very grave mistake to think that the enjoyment of seeing and searching can be promoted by means of coercion and a sense of duty. To the contrary, I believe it would be possible to rob even a healthy beast of prey of its voraciousness, if it were possible, with the aid of a whip, to force the beast to devour continuously, even when not hungry.” ~ Albert Einstein



  165.  #165ulii on July 8, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    @ Tam

    I think Mr. U is a big boy. And I understood you wrote just recently? So… it can take some time he needs to be in his “man cave”… I would say days, maybe weeks.



  166.  #166ulii on July 8, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    @ Linda 116

    Please, do share,or, feel free to share, whenever you want… 🙂



  167.  #167Tam on July 8, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    Ulii thank you, yes a big boy aged 50.
    He is a very hard man but also very giving, very masculine. He will understand, but he will be sad because like me he does not have many close friends.
    I just feel so sad and wish we could be friends but my feelings are too strong and he says he wants to be platonic friends but he does not act like it when we see. It’stoo strange. We are attracted to each other and click mentally but just can’t get it together.



  168.  #168Daria on July 8, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    ulii – sorry about the ‘soft parts comment sounding like i think im better

    i guess i get triggered easily by this and i feel compelled to impress how unconventional i am by having ‘different’ standards of beauty

    it would feel lovely to gain some more soft fat on my body



  169.  #169Starla on July 8, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    Jasmine, definitely don’t do anything that makes an injury worse! Running is not for everyone. I am blessed (seeeeriously blessed) with a body that responds well to and recovers well from extreme exertion. I am realizing more and more that I was born to be an athlete. Or maybe I just have such a good trainer that he gradually got me to this place, hehe.

    Whatever exercise you like that gets your heart rate up will help the anxiety. Sweating will make you feel better, and the endorphin release is really beneficial. And cut out processed foods/chemicals/sugars as much as you can, and you’ll notice a difference. If you’re worried about being underweight, eat MORE healthy fats like avocados. Fat is good.

    I saw someone mentioned dancing – that’s an awesome idea. Even if you’re just turning on the music at home and dancing around like a fool:), try to break a sweat. Swimming is another good one. Even yoga can help, but it’s really the increased heart rate/sweating that gets the endorphins going and fights the anxiety. This will also balance your blood sugar, but I really recommend giving your diet an overhaul if it’s all cr*p right now. If you smoke or use caffeine or a lot of mariju*na (like more than a few times a week), this could be keeping you on a sensitive anxiety rollercoaster more than anything.

    Before anyone jumps in to tell me how *they* are different, and to defend their choices in lifestyle, please know that everyone is different, and I respect your lifestyle, so please respect mine!!!!!

    Anyway, Jasmine, you’re on the younger side… when I was your age, I did not do any of these things, though I had a desire too. It honestly took me until I was 27 to reach the maturity to want to change my life and my emotional health enough for it not to feel like a chore or punishment. I got tired of being up and down emotionally all the time over basic things, and I got tired of rationalizing why it was somehow okay for me to feel like cr*p emotionally all the time. You’ll find some rationalizers here (sorry, ladies), but they don’t seem very consistently happy, except when they’ve riffed through the rationalizing to get to a peaceful place of self-acceptance and defense against reality. And then the next day, they’re facing the same anxieties again… it gets tiring and painful to watch. So it feels important for me to throw in my two cents. Please do whatever feels good to you. Everyone is different to at least some extent. Just know that this constant anxiety stuff really CAN change for you.



  170.  #170Starla on July 8, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    LOL, what’s with guys emailing me a couple of paragraphs to tell me they’ll text me in a while, as they’re kind of busy at the moment? haha. Couldn’t they have just texted me that? This is where guys lose me. I don’t understand. I feel irritated when this happens, like I’m being strung along with inefficient nonsense.

    I’m not sure what to do with this. I don’t like how it feels. I tend to feel angry when I feel turned off.



  171.  #171Smile on July 8, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    My mind is mostly positive at the min, however I’ve noticed my teeth are aching like I’ve been clenching my jaw shut…

    this feels sad as I recognise my body is still feeling anxious, where I’ve worked so hard to be consciously happy, maybe this my subconscious is still stressed and I need to get that on board too…



  172.  #172Starla on July 8, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    Oh yeah! I ran 5 miles for the first time, and it felt easy and fun! I could have kept going, but I stuck to my plan of stopping at 5 and eating brunch at a new restaurant. Then I walked all the way home. I bought myself some beautiful exotic flowers from a floral shop on the way. I feel good. And really hungry still, haha. I think I’ll eat some more!



  173.  #173Starla on July 8, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    I wonder if I could flip 169 to more of an excited, encouraging thought, like “ooh, it’s going to feel really good for both of us when he works up the courage to contact me off the internet for the first time! Yum, that will feel very manly of him.”

    or something



  174.  #174Smile on July 8, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    I’m going to read roris ebook again tonight for a refresher, there’s lots of stuff in there I need to bring to the forefront of my mind

    (( my teeth))



  175.  #175Daria on July 8, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    this is after wanting a hard body for a long time before

    i liked the lithe-leopard-seal-gazelle image of it

    now i like more like full figure goddess, bunny, image hehe

    i feel confused

    i feel uncomfortable talking about this

    im 5’4 162cm

    and im 138 lbs

    yay

    i bet 150 will look great on me

    138 looks great too

    really i guess anysize



  176.  #176Smile on July 8, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    Starla, I love that positive spin on it!



  177.  #177Tam on July 8, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    I trust in the Universe, and I trust that if two people are meant to be together, they will be – and if not they won’t.
    And that, if we are meant to be just friends, we will be just friends eventually.
    I believe what is meant to happen, will happen, and I take comfort from that.



  178.  #178Daria on July 8, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    i feel foolish now

    im judging myself

    im feeling confused

    i feel like running away

    i feel ahsamed

    i love my shame

    i love my running away feeling



  179.  #179Femininewoman on July 8, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    Rebecca cdating will help to reveal the type of men that are out there, help you to see the types that you attract and keep engaging with and also to help clarify for you how willing you are to let them go.



  180.  #180Smile on July 8, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    Tam this is comforting



  181.  #181Rebecca on July 8, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    Jasmine

    I have been patient for 20 years! Lol… It’s hard to stay patient and wait your turn when it never happens for you..

    Sob… I just feel sad that I have never come close to having anyone to share my life with. 

    I have a very strong sense of knowing when someone isn’t right for me on a romantic level – I feel I get bored very easily, I sincerely wish I didn’t. And the ones I don’t get bored with poof… 

    It doesn’t help that all of my family are perfectly secure and happy, and I feel like the black sheep of the family. I feel  painfully self conscious around them. I always seem to say or do something stupid and they seem to view me with contempt and pity in equal measure.

    I feel like an embarrasment to them all. There is this underlying weirdness around them that they feel uncomfortable around me, and find me odd because I have never had a long term boyfriend or been married. It’s like I feel like they view me as a failure in their eyes.

    They always make very patronising comments towards me, like I’ve been left on the shelf, and that I shouldn’t beat myself up about this and that and not finding a man etc..

    I feel like this is partly why I feel so desperate to find the ‘right’ person.

    They think I’m odd because I live on my own and have all types of weird and wonderful friends. They really don’t get me at all, and I feel like half of me is trying to fit into their world because they are my role model for what being happy is. 

    I see my own life and I feel it is so far away from theirs. 

    Everytime I visit them I am treated like a child who needs taking care of. They mean well but I feel so frustrated. It’s partly because I have a mixed culture background as well, which doesn’t help.

    I am always trying to put myself into a box. I’m so many different people I don’t know who I am…



  182.  #182Starla on July 8, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    Thanks! I like the positive spin! And I think part of the reason I feel so angry is because it then becomes this confusing, effort-full thing, to wait around for them or to try to communicate in writing when a phone call takes 2 minutes. And then I start strategizing about how I can rearrange my schedule to accomodate all that BS… and it feels awful, and maybe there is a little room for flexibility, but not right now. So maybe he and I can hang out next weekend, if he makes advance plans with me:) It would feel better to just keep doing my thing and not drop it at the last minute when it feels bad to do that.



  183.  #183Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    Starla,

    I’m not injured anymore! It’s been healed for more than a month lol I just didn’t do my best to go back to working out. I think everybody can run, I like it and it’s actually the best thing I can do because I hate gyms and I don’t play sports. So I want to go back to that, like I said before I think I don’t stretch out really good and that’s probably why I got injured. What exactly are you talking about when you say processed foods/chemicals/sugars? Right now I live on campus and I’m limited to eating only cafe food, which sucks. They have a lot of fast food (I pretty much eat french fries every day, grilled chicken and stuff) so I do eat a lot of fat, but I’m still skinny. I don’t worry about my weight though, although I would like a few more pounds, I’m not crazy about it.

    I actually LOVE dancing!! And I dance a LOT by myself hahah, pretty frequently! Not to the point I sweat because I have such curly hair and I usually like to keep it straight lol. I don’t smoke, use caffeine or marijuana. So that’s not a problem.

    What did you mean by “Before anyone jumps in to tell me how *they* are different, and to defend their choices in lifestyle, please know that everyone is different, and I respect your lifestyle, so please respect mine!!!!!” Lol you’re so defensive.

    Be easy on the girls, everyone has a different story and we are here to support each other. I’m sure everybody has ups and downs.

    Anyways, thanks girl! I am a lot more motivated now that you girls have given me so much encouragement 😀



  184.  #184Starla on July 8, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    And also, following my instinct and contacting this guy was a great move on my part. It really helped bring me some “CF” balance. This guy (let’s call him CL) has already served a lovely purpose in my life:). And I am letting go of the outcome in 3…2…1



  185.  #185Smile on July 8, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    Starla, keep doing your thing!



  186.  #186Starla on July 8, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    Yeah, I feel totally defensive. It’s like expressing my enthusiasm for health and fitness here catches me flack and argument every single time. It feels exhausting. And I feel worried about “quack” advice hurting other women on the blog. It would feel really good if I could feel a bit more chill about this!

    That sucks about the cafeteria situation. I ate a lot of that stuff in college too because it was convenient and I had no choice, basically. Maybe you can trade the fried starch for a salad? Or an apple? Or eat smaller meals more frequently.

    School food usually sucks for staying healthy.



  187.  #187Tam on July 8, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    Thank you Smile.
    I feel a littlesurprised that he has not answered as he normally answers fast and with something witty / lighthearted. So I know it hit him and that makes me feel more sad. I feel that if it hit him he cares about me, and I feel sad that it seems so hopeless.



  188.  #188Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    Starla,

    I knowwww that’s why I can’t have a good diet. I try to eat as much and as healthy as I can. I eat a lot of salad and fruits, before and after a meal. So I try to balance it out. But still I don’t have the diet I wish had and school keeps me busy all the time so I don’t even have time to cook, I pretty much have no choice.



  189.  #189Femininewoman on July 8, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    Daria I know what you mean and I honor you for the choices you make about your body. I hated some body parts so much I spent more than half of my life trying to get rid of them. Now I have an a ankle that swells sometimes and is almost permanently sore also a hip flexor muscle injury that has me limping.



  190.  #190Femininewoman on July 8, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    Daria I know what you mean and I honor you for the choices you make about your body. I hated some body parts so much I spent more than half of my life trying to get rid of them. Now I have an a ankle that swells sometimes and is almost permanently sore also a hip flexor muscle injury that has me limping.



  191.  #191Smile on July 8, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    Tam, try not to expect him to reply, even if he has in the past.
    He will be processing what you have said/ written. You have shared your feelings/wants and it’s up to him to decide if he can be that person not just friends, you deserve more.
    Maybe be prepared that he may not contact you…?



  192.  #192Starla on July 8, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    (((((((((fw’s ankle)))))))))))
    ((((((((fw’s hip))))))))))



  193.  #193Tam on July 8, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    Yes, smile, I am prepared. Although it was always he who took the initiative, I have been clear and he has no reason to respond and it is likely that he will not. Although I know he will contact me when he suspects I am near him, in Florida. This may be months.



  194.  #194Femininewoman on July 8, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    Tam think of him as a bird. He is just flustered right now in an unexpected windstorm. He will soon get back up and start flying again. If he really likes you that will not deter him.



  195.  #195Femininewoman on July 8, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    Thanks for the hugs



  196.  #196Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    Rebecca,

    I think your situation goes far beyond men. It’s all about yourself.

    You underestimate yourself a LOT. There’s a quote I want to share with you: “If you don’t value yourself, you’re not going to draw valuable things to your life”. You won’t get any different outcome if you don’t change the inputs. Get the focus on YOU and forget about everybody and what they think. You have this negative “vibe” that doesn’t help you at all. And what I noticed in the way you talk is that you ASSUME a lot, you “feel” they “think”. You “feel” they “feel”. Is that an actual thing? NO. Everything is inside YOU. You are who you think you are and that’s what people will see in you. So you need to start with yourself before you want to draw someone into your life. There’s no such thing as “not being good enough”. Get that out of your mind.

    I see you are very anxious about finding the man of your dreams. How old are you?



  197.  #197Tam on July 8, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    FW that is so cute it brought a little tear to my eye 🙂



  198.  #198Femininewoman on July 8, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    I recently read a past email from Rori. She talks about every time you think of a man lean your energy back in your body and open your palms upwards and think of releasing the man. I have been doing since Thursday every time my mind drifts to that special man who is the most challenging, I was shocked yesterday to get a text “Hi hon I hope ur doing ok”. I was very vulnerable and honest with him recently about my feelings. Something I have been afraid to do in the past. It obviously did not scare him away though he might not be able to promise me anything. I am practicing letting go of the expectation and investment.



  199.  #199Tam on July 8, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    As for the running Ladies, it can get addictive…as the high from it is so good. I got up to running half-marathon at least once a week but my poor body protested, hip too life FW’s, so now I restrict myself to no more than 5 Miles three times a week….if that. But it feels so good.



  200.  #200Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    Also Rebecca,

    Be yourself. If being around your family hurts you that much, go somewhere else. Go out and meet new people, make friends. When you hang out with people you don’t know it is easier to be yourself because they’re not judgemental of you. And stop being afraid of what anybody might think, who cares!!

    Break the ice woman!!



  201.  #201Tam on July 8, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    FW, wow, so nice the ‘getting into your feelings’ brought the man close!



  202.  #202Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    hahahha Tam,

    I don’t think I’ll get addicted lol. I’m such a non-athlete person. I just want to do it to keep myself active.



  203.  #203Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    Femininewoman,

    What happened between you and that man? I just want to understand what’s going on before I can opine!!



  204.  #204Jilly on July 8, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    FW @197 wow…that feels good to read and refreshing too…being able to share yourself with no expectations…yay 🙂



  205.  #205Smile on July 8, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    193- this is lovely feminine woman



  206.  #206Smile on July 8, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    @197- I believe this is the hardest part, letting go of expectations…. I’m getting better at it.



  207.  #207Rebecca on July 8, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    FW ~ I have been CDating for years. I meet mainly lovely, lovely men, but there is literally no spark for me. I know they really like me but I do not reciprocate the feelings of intimacy. The rare times I do like someone they don’t like me.



  208.  #208Jilly on July 8, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    Starla…I feel curious…I really enjoy hearing your process of how you have come to love getting fit…what quack advice are you talking about?



  209.  #209Smile on July 8, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    Tam, I want to be able to run this far…!



  210.  #210Rebecca on July 8, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    Jasmine

    Thanks for your reply. I’ve gotta rush noe but I’ll reply properly later



  211.  #211Tam on July 8, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    Smile, the trick is to go slowly….I am a snail 🙂



  212.  #212Smile on July 8, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    Slow and steady wins the race! This is true for running and relationships …



  213.  #213Starla on July 8, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    Jilly, certainly nothing you’ve said!

    I feel bad for even saying that in the first place. I got really defensive and triggered. I have changed my life from top to bottom and I feel discouraged by jealous haters. I shouldn’t let it get to me. Like, my coworkers and my grandma and friends are all like “you’re getting too skinny!” When I know I’m not getting too skinny at all. Or “you work out too much; you need recovery time!” when I know I am recovering fine. Of course, they drink soda all day and hate themselves….



  214.  #214Starla on July 8, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    I like that about slow and steady:) Like when I was running 5miles today – I just took it slow and steady and it felt very easy. I could have kept it up for a long time. I feel excited for next Sunday when I do it again.



  215.  #215Brandylion on July 8, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    T – 12 days and we have a draft of our entire Action Research paper! Wooohoooo!

    And it’s undergone major edits, piece by piece, as we’ve completed them, so we shouldn’t have that much to do to polish it this week. 🙂



  216.  #216Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    Starla,

    Probably you think people are trying to attack you when they’re just giving you feedback?



  217.  #217Rebecca on July 8, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    Jasmine

    I already do all of those things. I have broken away from my family and rarely speak to them and I have a wide circle of friends and am always meeting new people.

    I guess theres not much else I can do?! Hmm…



  218.  #218Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    Ahhh then I don’t know why it is not working… it’s probably about your attitude.

    (((Rebecca)))



  219.  #219Starla on July 8, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    Yay Brandylion!



  220.  #220Tam on July 8, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    211, smile, that’s cute…wish I could apply my attitude to running also to relationships… 🙂



  221.  #221Rebecca on July 8, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    Starla

    I love hearing how you have changed your life too! You are a source of inspiration!



  222.  #222Jilly on July 8, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    ((((Starla))))

    everyone loves to hear the “how” of other people achieving their goals especially if it’s something they’ve struggled with for a long time…keep on posting!! 🙂 and you definitely have totally transformed since the days of “D” 😉



  223.  #223Rebecca on July 8, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    Jasmine

    Yeah maybe my attitude, but I really don’t think I have a bad one.



  224.  #224Starla on July 8, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    CL emailed me to say something came up and he isn’t going to make it. Haha, yeah… well it’s 4pm and you said “Sunday afternoon” so I figured.

    I’ll reply and tell him no worries, when i hadn’t heard from him I made other plans. And if he gives me a call, I’d feel very happy to reschedule with him.

    It would feel really good to get off of email and text. I know these guys are all afraid, though. I don’t blame them. So I am trying not to be so judgmental and just more encouraging and matter-of-fact about what I will respond well to.

    I really do wish I didn’t ever have to make backup plans. I get so excited about seeing these guys when they originally say, and it feels bad when they don’t follow through. I remember that with CF, every time I went out and bought something cute and new for a date, he would cancel at the last minute or never confirm the plan and poof for a day or two. It was like he could sniff out expectation from afar.

    I think a healthy balance is needed. Seriously, I need a guy who can handle just a little bit of expectation to follow through on what he says, the way I expect my friends to follow through with our plans. But I don’t want it to negatively affect me or our relationship when expectations aren’t met from time to time, either.



  225.  #225Starla on July 8, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    Thank you, ladies:)



  226.  #226Emerson on July 8, 2012 at 3:34 pm

    223 Starla I have experienced this before with the cancelling and luckily I made other plans but I don’t like that from men or from friends. If I tell someone Sunday afternoon and I know then I cannot make it I don’t wait till the eleventh hour to let them know.

    I notice some feelings of frustration around this like
    tightness in my shoulders and twisty face and brow.

    I’m finding myself strategizing and gearing up for a “power struggle” because I know this is a business strategy…keeping the other person waiting is a power trip strategy. Like, I can keep you waiting, and my time/energy/plans are so much more imp than letting you know status or helping you or seeing you at all on time.



  227.  #227Healing Waterfall on July 8, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    Wow,
    I have been without a car for two days now and my son and I have been hanging around the apt and we went for a couple of bike rides. I feel really good and then I feel really vulnerable.
    I feel really insecure, my friend who had her surgery was out walking on the trail with the mutual friend of ours, I introduced them, and the mutual friend just sort of took over the friendship and I feel ALWAYS so unimportant around them, and I am trying so hard to be happy that she is taking a walk and looks good and be supportive of her and at the same time, I feel hurt, because I have not seen her since her surgery and I have been in touch by text.
    It just makes me feel like I did when I was a kid, I just am not special to anybody, it is such a horrible feeling, I want to transmute it….and I feel so selfish that I am feeling hurt instead of happy for her that she is feeling well enough to go for a walk.
    Maybe she really doesn’t want to be friends with me.
    I really don’t even have a best friend, I never have.
    Not since 5th grade, when I lost my bf to another girl. I guess it is time to heal that.



  228.  #228Starla on July 8, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    It’s funny because he didn’t keep me waiting, but I dislike the anxiety that comes with worrying about if I am jumping the gun too soon with making other plans, or if they will be offended that I didn’t completely clear my schedule for them.

    But it’s okay. I am a goddess and a siren. I deserve to respect my own time. I am good enough for that.

    This guy said “I hope to see you on Tuesday night!” a few times. It is kinda funny… I never agreed to that and he never asked me about it. I actually have Japanese class on Tuesday night, but he doesn’t know that. Ah well, he will learn.

    And maybe the universe will keep us apart. The truth is I’m not exactly ready to deal with all this stuff just yet, because it distracts me far too much from making myself a priority. I have big practice still needed in making myself a priority.

    But he served a great purpose for me, which was showing me there are other tasty fish in the sea! And it’s taken a tremendous edge off of my grief over CF



  229.  #229Starla on July 8, 2012 at 4:07 pm

    (((((((((((healing waterfall))))))))))))))



  230.  #230Healing Waterfall on July 8, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    Yes, I have also noticed that about CD’s cancelling or else asking about whether saturday would be good, to which I would reply, yes, saturday would be great, I like either of your suggestions.
    And then never hear back from them until an hour before the date….
    so I have to tell them I made other plans, since they did not confirm but i would love to reschedule…

    oh well,
    well, i feel better, i said a prayer to heal my sadness about my mom and i feel more neutral and just happy that my friend was out walking on the trail.
    I feel I should probably say something to my other friend though, like I would feel better if you included me, not that is not a good fm, i will have to draft one up, but i do feel better after praying for help to transmute it….the feeling of not being special to anyone….
    thanks for being here blog…
    🙂



  231.  #231Femininewoman on July 8, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    Rebecca I am sure I have seen Rori wrote that spark means nothing. The false chemistry can cause you to miss the red flags.



  232.  #232Femininewoman on July 8, 2012 at 4:17 pm

    HW maybe next time experiment with spontenaiety. Agree to go if they call an hour before and then share that you prefer a 24 or whatever hour prior confirmation while on the date so you get to practice using different feeling messages in different scenarios. You moght be surprised.



  233.  #233Starla on July 8, 2012 at 4:20 pm

    good ol chemistry sure does cause me to miss red flags haha

    red flags are the biggest thing i need to work on. if i notice one, and the person tells me i’m mistaken, i will believe them. this surely comes from my mother telling me i’m mistaken. about 4 or 5 years ago, she put me through a several weeks-long ordeal of claiming she had cancer, and denies ever having done that now. Sometimes i question my own sanity, like did i imagine that for weeks on end?

    of course i didn’t.

    ohhh starla (((((((((starla))))))))



  234.  #234Healing Waterfall on July 8, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    thanks for the hug starla
    the first time i couldn’t be spontaneous because i would have had to get child care, so i should have made that more clear.
    the second time, i did actually go, but not for dinner as planned but for coffee before dinner and shared during coffee that i was not sure if we really had plans, so i was going biking with a friend….and that worked out ok….
    thanks for the suggestion, being spontaneous is definitely good….but i definitely don’t like the feeling of being anxious wondering if it is happening or not….i guess that is what I am trying to get a grip on also…..making myself a priority….

    i better fix my growing son some supper….
    hugs



  235.  #235Starla on July 8, 2012 at 4:28 pm

    it’s not exactly spontaneity if they’re confirming already “made” plans at the last minute. Spontaneity is making plans at the last minute, which I’m all for, if I’m free. The anxiety of wondering if they’re gonna come through for some “made” plans feels horrible. Sometimes they do come through, sometimes they don’t.

    I think all the fuss I’ve put into feeling messages around this with guys, and the way I’m clearly uncomfortable speaking up about it and angry and stuff, is hurting things more than it’s helping. I think in the future when I accept plans in advance, I’ll say “cool, call me at least the night before to confirm, or else I’ll make other plans! I hate that anxious feeling when you’re unsure if someone’s gonna come through or not”

    I think I need to stop being so scared of sounding demanding or bossy. I think the fear I have is actually making things even more uncomfortable, and trying to do things in pure feeling messages/feminine mode is a farce because the energy behind it is unsure and shaky and makes us both uncomfortable and turned off. My time is valuable and I am a really fun date, and I deserve to tell guys that I want them to confirm our plans if they expect me to be ready for them.

    This is my next personal step of evolving as a siren.

    There are some guys I know, however, that always follow through no matter what. So I wouldn’t worry about it with them. India is one of these guys. So was Alaska, although he was probably at home counting the seconds until we saw each other again and hanging his every iota of happiness on whatever I did or didn’t do.

    Hmm I am going to practice this new way of handling this with CL.



  236.  #236Starla on July 8, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    Haha, I am thinking about how I tortured myself for about 4 years trying to faithfully use a specific kind of Rori communication to deal with last minute confirmations, when I have a way that really works perfectly fine. I intend to think a bit more for myself.

    I’ve said this before, but sometimes I’ve been so rigid in trying to adhere to rori stuff that i actually hurt myself in the process more than i would if i just handled it some less feminine way. my poor, poor vibe. ((((((((((((((vibe)))))))))))))



  237.  #237Starla on July 8, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    one more thing – CL did stay in touch with me all throughout this. He just didn’t follow through with seeing me. he’s definitely not a loser or a flake.



  238.  #238Rebecca on July 8, 2012 at 4:45 pm

    FW ~ yes, I have a lot of male friends who O deeply love but the thought of kissing them makes me feel ill. But I don’t know, I guess you are saying I should persist. I find it sad because without any chemistry I feel zero deep intimate connection… I feel scared that I need to force it in someway because I cd and cd but I am feeling zero phyisical atttaction to these men. I really like them as people and we end up being great friends but nothing else..

    I feel sad when I think about it…



  239.  #239ulii on July 8, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    @ 167 Daria

    No worries… I didn’t perceived that you consider yourself better at all. I think all body types are fine, as long as you are happy in it…… I like the balance of soft and hard. 🙂 I’m no total fitness fan either…I like to run mostly because it makes me feel good (it’s becoming a bit addictive yes, like someone mentioned — but I prefer that to all other addictions.. 🙂 ).



  240.  #240Memulo on July 8, 2012 at 5:09 pm

    SmartCD came over for dinner last night and stayed till late morning. There were a few instances when I started feeling upset, and I told him that openly. Like in the middle of the night I woke up and he wasn’t there, and I found him in bed in a different room. He said he couldn’t fall asleep in my bedroom. I felt sad that he all of the sudden can’t fall asleep next to me?? He didn’t look like he was going to come back. So I just said ok, I’d feel so much happier if we were together and left him alone. He showed up 15 mins later. It had nothing to do with me.. he sometimes has a hard time falling asleep. And now I feel very close to him.

    His bday is next week and I am not sure what to give him?? Any ideas are very welcome;)



  241.  #241Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 5:10 pm

    About to go for a RUN!! Here I go sirens!!



  242.  #242Linda on July 8, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    Well I wrote about my impression of the man I said I would meet tonight in post #121. from our phone conversation. I met him, he was late 20 min. He is so painfully shy. He did not look at me the whole time he talked. He looked away when he spoke. He said nothing personal. He just answered the couple of questions so I was not sitting there with nothing being said.

    I just practiced listening, making eye contact, was mindful of my body language and smiled at him. I could only endure about 1 and 20min with him. When I finished my beer I could not wait to leave, he wanted to walk me to the car and he asked for a hug and if he could see me again. I have him the hug, but could not wait to get in my car and drive off.

    So my impression on the phone was completely confirmed. I dont think I have ever been with a person that would not look at me when he talked. wow. I feel sorry for him really.

    —-

    Then I talked to a different fellow that asked if he could call me. He had such a nasal voice and laughed at everything. Even stuff that was not funny. hmmmm. ok

    NEXT….



  243.  #243Memulo on July 8, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    It also bothers me that he rarely compliments me. I feel like maybe I became less exciting to him? But then it’s not true, we are really getting closer and closer. Then I feel like an old married couple lol when people just don’t care how they look anymore. Or he doesn’t like my appearance but likes my personality? Really confusing 😉



  244.  #244Starla on July 8, 2012 at 5:16 pm

    Woohoo, Jasmine!

    I bought some fish to fry, some jalapeno tartar sauce, grabbed a six pack of an oatmeal stout, and here I am, waiting for my best friend to roll through to join me:)

    I feel a little weird drinking in front of her because I hated her drinking. But I seriously have 2 or 3 beers a month, if even. She’s pregnant so it’s a non-issue.



  245.  #245Linda on July 8, 2012 at 5:20 pm

    I thought to myself when I was sitting there… can I leave yet. When he asked if I wanted to hang around after I finished my beer. I said, I need to go to the grocery. (lie)….. I just couldnt bare it any longer.



  246.  #246Starla on July 8, 2012 at 5:31 pm

    Aww, linda, haha poor guy. Poor linda. <3



  247.  #247Starla on July 8, 2012 at 5:34 pm

    How’s THIS for a shift? My friend posted a song on facebook sung by a man, and the lyrics are about how he’s fallen out of love with his lady and needs to move on, and I don’t feel at all triggered. Actually, it makes me feel compassion and love and understanding for men (including my exes) who leave their ladies.

    bahahahaha, i could barely listen to music a few weeks ago.

    bring it on, world



  248.  #248Tam on July 8, 2012 at 5:39 pm

    He answered and I feel too sheepish to open the email. I feel surprised he answered, it’s prob something angry. I feel sheepish



  249.  #249Starla on July 8, 2012 at 6:04 pm

    ((((((((((((((((tam))))))))))))))))))))))



  250.  #250Daria on July 8, 2012 at 6:13 pm

    Rebecca – for me it really has been a process of opening myself up. and taking a “im not available for more male friends” attitude

    at first, it would be like a once a decade event when i found a guy i liked. then it moved to once a year. then once a month. and now i like or feel open to liking one like everyday!!

    for me its been working by practicing the tools and enjoying the romance of the date…

    allowing the men to kiss and touch me me even if i dont feel attracted to them (i tell them when i feel uncomfortable but at least let them get a peck and hold my hand when they want to)

    that kissing/touching thing helped SO much for me as far as opening up and finding more men attractive

    i now find i feel really attracted and open to a man after he gives me a gift, or a kiss or after we’ve ate at a restaurant

    i feel open to hugs and love at those times…



  251.  #251Daria on July 8, 2012 at 6:18 pm

    it was really important to date for my personal therapy and not to look for something to happen with a guy. in fact there was a time i was REJOICING going out with a guy i wasnt attracted to, so that i could practice

    actually i kinda wanna do some of that now

    the problem is ive had 7 guys contact me today on the phone and im only not attracted to 1 of them 🙂



  252.  #252Daria on July 8, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    I will now go answer an extra not particularly attracted to profile from pof



  253.  #253Daria on July 8, 2012 at 6:21 pm

    I have a date tomorrow at 2.

    i want to do something different for me and that is get all ready for it the nite before

    i only did that pre Rori for my boyfriends i was in love with.

    i used to Nair THEN shave my legs for super smoothness



  254.  #254Jasmine on July 8, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    Owww my legs feel so heavy!! I couldn’t run for more than 25 mins with breaks in between, and I had a side stitch under my ribcage right after I started running too. Ughhh. I’ll take this as a warm up day.



  255.  #255Daria on July 8, 2012 at 6:25 pm

    Rebecca – i completely shelved my own very good sense of when someone’s not right for me on a romantic level

    and instead just practiced the opening up with these men who ‘weren’t’

    this magically brought up more men who were

    or really most likely was helping me open



  256.  #256LobbyStar on July 8, 2012 at 6:29 pm

    Had some great practice last night. A CD more or less asked me if I wanted to have sex with him, and I said, “I feel unsure how to answer that… I enjoy sex, but I don’t want a relationship that’s only sexual.”

    He replied, “Me either. Sorry, I’ve been drinking too much.”

    It felt great, and he was cool about it! So empowering!



  257.  #257Daria on July 8, 2012 at 6:30 pm

    wow FW i feel honored. (((FW))) for the ankle… aww… tried acupuncture? castor oil/herb compresses? a spoonfull of turmeric n pepper?



  258.  #258Daria on July 8, 2012 at 6:35 pm

    wow Lobbystar you handled that q amazingly well!

    i mighta felt all unworthy and bad that ‘he’s treating me bad’ wouldve been my story and i might have flashed on him

    then again, maybe i wouldve handled it amazingly well too



  259.  #259luzydel on July 8, 2012 at 6:40 pm

    @162: Jasmine

    I don’t really know… Before I would give any man a chance…even when he showed big red flags… I would go and fall for him, and turn into an idiot for him… Now I have become I can say… “picky” not superficially picky, but quality “picky” the way a guy trats me at the beginning can be a total turn off now, as before I would ignore it thinking he may “get better”…
    once I sense he is being complicated, not showing interest, “playing the hard to get games by randomly sending “cute” text messages to keep me hanging and “disappearing” I just get bored… They become another “boy”, and I just feel Blah, so I move on… been meeting men like these lately, I can see their childish attitude, resentful of women and thinking they are entitled to my vigina after one date… Nahh…I want more than that so I wont waste my time… I dont say anything; I dont get mad; I just yawn and go do something else…
    It’s not that I want a “mind reader”, but I want my missing link and I can’t tell any man to become my ,issing link; he just have to show up..

    I hope I Made sense with all that rambling…LOL



  260.  #260Daria on July 8, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    i feel pist off

    i dont want to feel all harassed for my blog posts and processing what i want in my life which is very brave

    the dropping of “ambition”
    and “discipline”
    “work”
    “earning”

    and other masculine oriented principles as guides for my life

    i feel a catch in my chest and throat every time i read a comment that seems to be veiled about me or attacking me

    or complaining about my expression of my desires in life

    i feel like im being pushed on or poked or harassed

    i feel heartbroken to be in this situation in the first place

    and a whole lot of numbness on top of that

    i HAVE A RIGHT <— ok this talk is my clue that i'm feeling angry

    im ambitioning, digging in my heels, steeling up… the feeling i call "ambition"

    this ambitioning is what my dad would complain about before he seemed like he was gonna destroy me

    so if im writing this not to influence anyown but for myself id be writing that

    im feeling so disappointed to feel all cold and closed off this way

    i felt really devalued being asked to not express myself

    but when my other girl asks me to stop clapping my hands, or tapping my nail – it irriates her

    i feel sad and scared and i DO stop though

    and then she often relaxes and talks gently

    so wehre am i

    oh yeah still feeling sad

    and now dont really want to be in this annoyinf feeling situation

    wher i feel like i have a wall up

    and i feel like i am putting in effort to skip posts that already 'hurt my feelings' as i ACCIDENTLY read them and UGH that feels so annoying!

    i feel scared writing this as i dont want to alieanate anyone

    and i dotn really feel safe having anyone come close to me right now either

    i feel very heartwalled off



  261.  #261Daria on July 8, 2012 at 6:56 pm

    Jasmine – wow 25 min of running on first day sounds like a LOT to me. i wouldnt’ do that personally. ouch.

    thena gain, i hate running. and i get that stich in my upper right shoulder and it doesnt feel good



  262.  #262LobbyStar on July 8, 2012 at 7:00 pm

    257 Daria

    He wasn’t disrespectful in the way he asked, and I took my time in deciding how to respond.

    And he is really embarrassed about the whole thing today, lol!



  263.  #263Femininewoman on July 8, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    I tried accupuncture bUt not turmeric. That I will try soon



  264.  #264Daria on July 8, 2012 at 7:32 pm

    FeminineWoman – ive just got some turmeric for my mom for depression

    its taken with black pepper so it can be absorbed, apparently 20 times more w black pepper

    also with a fat such as olive oil or ghee or butter helps to absorb it

    too much of it at once (like 2 heaping teaspoon fulls) and it will flush your gallbladder and can be overwhelming (way too fast detox) so not that much



  265.  #265Zara on July 8, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    180 Rebecca

    ***It doesn’t help that all of my family are perfectly secure and happy, and I feel like the black sheep of the family. I feel  painfully self conscious around them. I always seem to say or do something stupid and they seem to view me with contempt and pity in equal measure.
    I feel like an embarrasment to them all. There is this underlying weirdness around them that they feel uncomfortable around me, and find me odd because I have never had a long term boyfriend or been married. It’s like I feel like they view me as a failure in their eyes.
    They always make very patronising comments towards me, like I’ve been left on the shelf, and that I shouldn’t beat myself up about this and that and not finding a man etc..
    I feel like this is partly why I feel so desperate to find the ‘right’ person.
    They think I’m odd because I live on my own and have all types of weird and wonderful friends. They really don’t get me at all, and I feel like half of me is trying to fit into their world because they are my role model for what being happy is. 
    I see my own life and I feel it is so far away from theirs. 
    Everytime I visit them I am treated like a child who needs taking care of. They mean well but I feel so frustrated. It’s partly because I have a mixed culture background as well, which doesn’t help.
    I am always trying to put myself into a box. I’m so many different people I don’t know who I am…***

    Reminds me of Byron Katie’s videos about our imagination on family and judgments. (part 1 and part 2)
    http://www.youtube.com/user/TheWorkofBK/videos?query=my+full+potential



  266.  #266Zara on July 8, 2012 at 7:39 pm


  267.  #267Brandylion on July 8, 2012 at 8:35 pm

    April Rose, #42:

    Then I read Daria saying “..his sexuality matches mine..”
    and I know this is one of MY top priorities too. I will honour it from now on.

    YES. I want that too.



  268.  #268Brandylion on July 8, 2012 at 8:41 pm

    What does it mean when none of the men who have been suggested as matches for me on match.com have contacted me?

    So far, this site is not worth what I spent on it. I know it’s only been a week, but all seven men who did contact me have poofed. And as I’ve added more to my profile and revealed more of my truth and what I want out of my life, the flood of men has dried up. Again. Just like on OkCupid when I reactivated in April. That flood never even restored to a trickle. This one won’t either.

    The men on these sites are all the same. I treat them all equally, leaning back and using feeling messages. It won’t even matter when I return to Cleveland; this site is still is not going to result in dates.

    I wish now I’d paid for the subscription that has the match.com guarantee (meet someone special in six months, or get your next six months free), because I could defeat it easily. All you have to do is keep a profile with a picture up for the whole six months and have contact with five unique users each month. I would already in one week have met my quota of duds for the first month!



  269.  #269Autumn on July 8, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    Hello Sirens

    In the past 4 days i have had 2 ex’s contact me. One apologized for treating me the way he had!!! Which is great. I guess its only the ones you truly get over and let go that end up coming back.

    I want HIM to come back 🙁 Feel sad now.



  270.  #270Daria on July 8, 2012 at 9:12 pm

    Brandylion – i have hundreds of men writing me so 7 poofing is not surprising.

    Are you using glamour shots? if not, I would (and do)



  271.  #271Starla on July 8, 2012 at 9:14 pm

    (((((((((autumn)))))))))))))



  272.  #272LobbyStar on July 8, 2012 at 9:17 pm

    268 Autumn

    That SO resonates with me. I’ve been saying for years “They always come back — except the ones you really want to.”



  273.  #273Memulo on July 8, 2012 at 9:24 pm

    #155 Lobby Star,

    I hope you will still give the guy a chance! SmartCD said he wanted to have s-x with me on our 2nd date and he doesn’t drink at all lol. I laughed and said I feel like falling in love first. That we live in a big city with lots of attractive people and options, so that it’s very easy to forget what the whole thing is about. But I don’t want to forget, I want a fairy tale. And suddenly he apologized and said he’d wait, similar to your guy. That was almost 6 months ago and it’s going really well 😉



  274.  #274Autumn on July 8, 2012 at 9:24 pm

    Thank you Starla.

    LobbyStar, well we know the formula for making the ones we don’t want to come back. Now we just have to find the solution for bringing the ones we want back.

    But maybe the reason we want them so much is because we know they won’t come back…desiring what we know we can’t have. I think maybe it feels safer that way, wanting someone you you know you can’t have. That way it’s easier to close off your heart and your emotions. I engaged with cd for a year since him, but my heart has not been engaged at all by the numerous men i have dated. Maybe one, and only because he was so resistant and wanted to be friends with benefits which i wasn’t willing to do.

    Right now i am seeing a great guy. He is in contact with me all day. says all the right things, he is very handsome,great body, educated and informed. Has tones of experience in relationships and asks how i am feeling. if i am angry or upset he follows up, wants to know what he can do to make it better because he ‘really’ likes me and wants to make it work….but my heart is not engaged. Why is this happening?????? Why can’t i appreciate the ones that work hard for me and the ones that disappear stay with me forever… *sigh*



  275.  #275Esteemed on July 8, 2012 at 9:35 pm

    Jasmine,

    103 – “You say it’s impossible for you to not initiate contact?”

    That’s right.



  276.  #276Daria on July 8, 2012 at 9:43 pm

    Esteemed – hmm. it’s not impossible – you know that is an untruth

    i wonder why ur using it. it feels fun. sometimes to me to dramatize.

    noticing my expressions and changing them has had a huge impact on my experiences

    the words i use are not only on the outside, but even more so impact my inner self

    i would change ‘it’s impossible for me to not initiate contact”

    to… “i feel overwhelmed by anxiety sometimes and choose to initiate contact to feel some relief”



  277.  #277Esteemed on July 8, 2012 at 9:48 pm

    Daria,

    259 – When you process what you want in your life, it is very brave.

    You have a right to express your desires in life.

    You have rare, unique ambition that has given you deep insight into human nature and relationships, beyond what most people will ever know. You are nurturing your gift.

    Please express yourself freely…that is what Rori encourages!

    Please clap your hands and tap your nail and wag your tail!

    Walls are for boy energy, and you are a girl with an unzipped heart.

    You are on your own bridge, and if others don’t understand you or your bridge, that is no reason to get on their bridge. You are fast approaching your happy ever after!

    And you are beautiful, woman!



  278.  #278Esteemed on July 8, 2012 at 9:53 pm

    Daria and Jasmine,

    275 – i feel overwhelmed by anxiety sometimes and choose to initiate contact to feel some relief.

    I used Jasmine’s word “impossible” because it was there…but normally I wouldn’t have chosen that word. It feels impossible, that’s for sure! I initiated last night! At 2:30 in the morning!

    And we had a fun, brief conversation about bears, LOL! You all know how I love bears, because they are cute, soft, cuddly, and warm?

    I have talked my silliness about bears and felt ridiculed. Well all my closest friends know I love bears, and some give me bears and bear books and nic nacs as gifts, LOL! I figured one day I would grow up.

    I have collected Care Bear glasses, Macy’s Love Bears, and all sorts of cute little bears!

    But now I have decided I will never give up my love for bears! Why? Because last night, out of the blue, R informed me that bears make love for a week! LOL!

    I told him I want to make love for a week, and I always knew there must be some special reason I love bears!

    I love lovemaking bears! 😆



  279.  #279Esteemed on July 8, 2012 at 9:56 pm

    Autumn,

    268 – How wonderful! I love that feeling when an ex contacts me!



  280.  #280siren song on July 8, 2012 at 10:01 pm

    a new cd forgot our date tonight. i didn’t care!

    i feel clear and free and i don’t care what any guy thinks about me right now.

    🙂



  281.  #281Autumn on July 8, 2012 at 10:04 pm

    Esteemed,

    Yes! it feels great. But i just wanted to raise a question. Is it ok to respond to these contacts? The first guy who contacted me was an awful person and yet he contacts me out of the blue every once in a while. I used to reply but now i don’t but feel guilty and sad for him. I have been in that situation before and think that sometimes a little kindness could go a long way. How do i stop feeling guilty and bad for choosing not to respond?



  282.  #283Brandylion on July 8, 2012 at 10:09 pm

    Jasmine, #253:

    One thing that can help with side stitches is to vary your breathing pattern. Most people fall into a breathing pattern of inhale for two strides, exhale for two strides. This means that the muscles on the right side of your body are doing the same thing all the time (like contracting at the start of your inhalation and exhalation, if you start your breathing cycle with your right foot), and so are the ones on your left side (like contracting at the end of your inhalation and exhalation).

    When I start to feel a little stitch coming on, I just exhale for an extra stride so that I switch which foot I begin my breath with, and that usually fixes it. 🙂

    Danny Meyer of Chi Running fame recommends inhaling for two strides and exhaling for three, so that completely gets rid of the sides-working-the-same-all-the-time problem!

    Also, I have used a run-walk program that I found on Yahoo three years ago to get myself back into running. It takes 8 weeks to get up to running 30 minutes straight, but I could do over 3 miles by then. 🙂



  283.  #284Esteemed on July 8, 2012 at 10:20 pm

    Autumn,

    280 – Well if I understand correctly, you don’t want him in your life anymore, right? If so, then I would either not respond at all, which is perfectly fine, or just say, “Thank you, I feel flattered, and I’m sorry, but it just isn’t there for me. I wish you the best!”

    I used to feel guilty, but listening to what everyone says on the blog and to Rori really has helped me move beyond that. This isn’t about making every man out there happy. I don’t want to intentionally hurt or offend anyone. But nor do I want to drag on and on with something that just doesn’t do it for me.

    Rori says we only have so much time and energy in our lives. So if we fritter it all away on men who will never be anything more than friends, it is holding us back from our happy ever after.

    As a side note, I would have given up K many times over since I divorced him in 2006. But he is in love with me, and as he worded it, it’s better to have half a partner than no partner at all. He is in prison and I offered several times to place a personals post for him. He said NO! Don’t you get it? There IS no other woman for me! I will stay single the rest of my life if I can’t be with you.

    I love him as a friend only, but I do love him. I made an exception in his case. He does take a lot of my time I might have otherwise spent dating. But I got to the point where I rarely write him, and mainly just talk on the phone. And if I am busy, I won’t think twice about telling him so.

    He tries to put pressure on me to make him top priority…but he simply isn’t anymore. He is very strong masculine energy and really puts on the pressure at times, over and over in the face of being told no. I just talk to him when I can, and say no when I can’t. And I have told him point blank, sorry, you are not top priority anymore. There are reasons I divorced you, and they are still there. I love you, but I have a life to live.

    I know it would make his life if I stayed with him long distance. But that is not what I want for MY life. So he gets his heart broken over and over hoping that I will change my mind.

    But it is clear I am sure to all on the blog that R is the one who is in my heart and on my mind.

    Anyway, just remember that out of all the men out there, you will only say yes to one. Out of all the women out there, only one man will choose you. So there will be mostly no’s on both ends. Daria wrote something like that recently on the blog, and the realization of it really assured me that it is okay to say no.



  284.  #285Esteemed on July 8, 2012 at 10:22 pm

    Brandylion,

    282 – That is good information! Thank you! I used to be a jogger and I wish I had known that!

    Now my method of controlling side stitches is to sit in front of the TV, LOL! 😆



  285.  #286Brandylion on July 8, 2012 at 10:30 pm

    Daria, I don’t have “glamour” shots, but I did use my professionally-taken school photograph from this past year as my main picture and a full-body picture of me dressed up in a really flattering dress and looking really good and posing cutely at a fountain from a wedding I went to last summer.

    I haven’t had 100 men total contact me yet in all the months I’ve had profiles up (January through June 2011, mid-April 2012 through now). Every time I put up a profile *every* *single* *man* poofs. All of ’em. They all disappear after a message or three. There’s not a single one who contacted me last week who has stayed in contact.

    I can count on one hand the number who have even intimated they’d like to meet me to take me on a date. Only three of the men who have contacted me from match.com have even gotten to the point of finding out what I’m up to this summer–the others don’t even know I’m not in Cleveland right now, so it can’t be my current physical unavailability turning them off.

    I am having a hard time believing that that there’s not something wrong with me and what I want from life and the way I express it in my profile. BTW, what I have on match.com for my intro is the profile you helped me write! That’s also what I have on OkCupid and PoF. Since that seems to work ASTOUNDINGLY well for you, it has to be me that’s defective.

    I’m just not wanted by men. I never have been. It’s pointless to want someone in my life. It is a waste of time and energy that is better spent elsewhere. It’s a stupid childish fantasy, and I was actually happier before I started believing it might actually happen for me and hoping it would. Hope sets up expectations, and that sets that stage for a lifetime of crushing disappointment. It happens for other women and isn’t stupid for them because it does happen for them; it just doesn’t happen for me.

    Even a year ago when I was so ridiculously happy with myself and my life (I was not posting on the blog then, so none of you knew about that time in my life that was pretty fu(king awesome), PriestCD was the best that I could attract. I attracted only poofers online, and he’s what I got in real life.



  286.  #287Autumn on July 8, 2012 at 10:34 pm

    Esteemed,

    Thank you for that response. It has made me think. You did nail it when you said that i can’t make everyone happy. I always feel that i need to make people/men like me rather than cause issues and problems. I need to start transitioning towards focusing on my feelings and not feel so bad about choosing me.

    Thank you for sharing your story. It must be so hard to be in that position. I really admire your ability to maintain the relationship but stay strong and none resentful of K’s demands towards your time. I need to learn to be like you more.

    Well day one of deleting HIM is almost done. I feel like i can do this!



  287.  #288Esteemed on July 8, 2012 at 10:37 pm

    Autumn,

    You’re welcome, I’m glad it was helpful. I have known K for 12 years, so it is pretty hard to say no completely. He has been with me thru a lot of hard times. He genuinely loves me and wants the best for me. But I have very valid reasons for having divorced him. I hope we are friends for life.



  288.  #289Esteemed on July 8, 2012 at 10:38 pm

    Brandylion,

    How would you feel about posting your profile here, and we can offer suggestions if needed?



  289.  #290Daria on July 8, 2012 at 10:43 pm

    i dont liek the word ambition

    i feel pist being told i have a unique ambition

    i do not

    i have passion

    ambition is what a guy with a hard on has



  290.  #291Daria on July 8, 2012 at 10:45 pm

    Brandylion – are your boobs showing in the dress?

    it sounds like you need more pictures, and like u need some glamour shots

    also are ur profiles feeling message only? – that helps a lot

    i have non glamour shots on ok cupid and i barely get any men there



  291.  #292Daria on July 8, 2012 at 10:49 pm

    Ok Cupid – no glamour shots – 10 men

    POF – glamour shots – 434 unread messages



  292.  #293Autumn on July 8, 2012 at 10:50 pm

    Daria

    Lol!! I like that definition!



  293.  #294Esteemed on July 8, 2012 at 10:50 pm

    Daria,

    You’re welcome. I was just using the word you used.

    I feel shut down. My cheeks feel hot. I feel angry. I feel like saying a bad word. I feel like telling you you are a total wall. Sarcasm is the ugly cousin of anger, and I feel like lashing out in sarcasm.



  294.  #295Daria on July 8, 2012 at 10:53 pm

    ok so it seems profile has been tweaked… its definitely the pictures then.

    cuz it aint u babay

    🙂



  295.  #296Esteemed on July 8, 2012 at 10:56 pm

    I feel sad, because I see that more than one woman on this blog shuts out love. And, like Rori says, how we interact on here is how we will interact with a man.

    I wonder how many times I have shut out love when a man has been attracted to me? K told me I was blind to a lot of admiring looks in the visiting room.



  296.  #297Daria on July 8, 2012 at 10:57 pm

    Esteemed – i used that word to say how i want it out my life

    i feel hot

    i feel unseen

    i feel guilty



  297.  #298Esteemed on July 8, 2012 at 10:59 pm

    Daria,

    I acknowledge that I misunderstood your use of that one word. Please excuse me.

    But I feel like I did when I would attempt to give my brothers a hug, and I was pushed away. I feel shamed.



  298.  #299Autumn on July 8, 2012 at 11:00 pm

    Brandylion

    Don’t give up. I am sure you are a wonderful and beautiful woman. I had a profile up that would only get several matches and then i changed my profile to a more ‘positive’ and happier one and i started to get more hits. You can’t get it right or perfect the first time. Change your profile and experiment. Read other people’s profiles esp. other women’s to see what they write and how they come across to get a better idea to fine tune your profile.

    Please stay positive and don’t forget you are worth the time and effort. These things take time.



  299.  #300Esteemed on July 8, 2012 at 11:03 pm

    Brandylion,

    This is my profile that I wrote and Rori tweaked, when I took her teleclass. I had two title ideas.

    Friends First Feels Fantastic

    Mermaid in the Making!

    I love learning! My mind is a sponge of excitement over soaking in knowledge about psychology, inner healing, relationships, dog training, early America, travel, geography, and foreign cultures, and my thirst for learning and growing never ends. It feels so fun and thrilling to me.

    I also feel so good moving around outside…hiking, jumping in rivers, or soaking in moonlight feels amazing out here. I also love dancing, biking and jumping on a trampoline. I live near XXXXX, 2 blocks from the bay. I just moved here last November. I feel fascinated by water. I must have been a mermaid in another lifetime. I feel so alive and unified with nature when I jet ski, motor boat, and swim. I love the caress of water, like a tender lover, against my hair and skin.

    My career is as a pharmaceutical document editor and technical writer, but my passion is to help people. My calling is yet to be fully defined, but I feel most fulfilled when I am actively listening to a young woman and giving her feedback to prepare for a happy life with healthy confidence. Or playing with children, feeling amazed and tickled by their innocent words and actions. I am loyal and compassionate. I really like who I am, and who I am constantly becoming.

    I feel a deep passion for relationships, particularly romantic relationships. I’m a walking contradiction: I feel rebellious at times – yet I feel terrific playing defense on a team. I feel alive with outdoor exercise – yet I feel deep and calm during quiet nights cuddling, reading, and watching romantic movies. I feel far stronger in my emotional backbone than the average woman. I feel tuff enuff to survive anything – yet I feel so deeply that I can cry at the thought of a dog in a shelter. I value dogs and cats, nature, writing, and soft rock. I’m a young-looking 48, 5’8″, extra buttery, intelligent, and sensitive.

    It would feel great to meet a man with whom I feel secure and can feel safe to open my heart to, who is my height or taller, any race, from 30-55…someone with whom I feel comfy enjoying love and stimulating conversation. I look forward to hearing from you soon!



  300.  #301Daria on July 8, 2012 at 11:06 pm

    not that i want men with hardons out of my life

    its that i dont want to use ‘ambition’ as a way of life for myself anymore

    i feel extremely triggered by that word

    Esteemed im sorry you feel bad. thank you for intending to write nice words to me.

    i still feel unseen since i wrote and even felt quite attakced about processing how the word ambition triggers me on blog



  301.  #302Daria on July 8, 2012 at 11:09 pm

    Esteemed – i felt – ummm horrified? and in pain when i read that

    i jumped like i got burned

    this is not your fault

    im feeling very triggered now too, i feel very mistrustful of people who offer me encouragement now, especially when it seems superficial

    i felt uncomfortable before when you were taking my posts and rewriting them

    i didnt really feel comfortable receiving that,

    i felt a bit vulnerable

    and now my NVS are going wild like SEEEEEEEE u cant trust people who are bieng nice to u they are just bullshitting and arent even paying attention to whats really going on with u

    ugh

    that feels EXTREMELY triggering with its own images of older ladies talking to me w ‘dearie’ and feeling uncofmortable
    i feel scared and sad and removed and numb (this is all my stuff by the way )



  302.  #303Daria on July 8, 2012 at 11:12 pm

    (((((Esteemed)))))

    sorry. i know you meant well

    it felt awful to feel unseen, and i still feel mistrustful, and i feel a lot of love for you right now

    and i feel sad



  303.  #304Autumn on July 8, 2012 at 11:13 pm

    Esteemed

    Wow. That is an amazing profile!! I really like it.



  304.  #305Daria on July 8, 2012 at 11:15 pm

    so my CD from last nite who i felt really turned on with and good with

    i was feeling disappointed in cuz he sent me a how are you text

    then i replied and dint hear back

    and now hes calling and its late 11 pm

    and thats what time we met last nite and that was fine for then, cuz i was needing a ride…

    but now ive kina spent most of the day feeling pist at him for not really making more effort

    and i feel not really open to seeing him

    im also feeling kinda sad and lonely

    i accidentaly declined his call right now anyway



  305.  #306Daria on July 8, 2012 at 11:16 pm

    oops wasnt even him



  306.  #307Jessie1000 on July 8, 2012 at 11:17 pm

    LOL you guys should see my profile on pof
    It goes like this.

    Headline–Truth or Dare
    Message me if your bored. Message me if your not bored. Message me if your boring too cause I like that.

    Things to tell me about yourself when you message me.
    Are you on any most wanted lists….(guys often say yah for the sexiest man in my town…lol they are often really funny answers and I get to see their personality and hopefully sense of humor with it)

    Interests.
    Chopping down trees. Hunting (animals usually)
    I like playing truth or dare and sometimes truth, dare, double dare, promise to repeat–but dont be a chicken, cause I always win. Prepare to use kleenex.

    If they ask dare….tell them to put up a funny pic of themselves on their profile (one guy put up a pic of him passed out in purple panties with lots of badly done light blue eyeshadow and red lipstick which missed alot of his lips…lol)

    Or dare them to take a terrible pic of themselves like with their belly hangin out…no nudes lol…the guys are so funny with their ideas….

    If they ask truth, ask them if they ever cut anyone up with a chainsaw.
    Lol

    Make it up…it can be as sexy or fun as you like.

    Even if the guys are not date-able for you, you might have a great conversation and even some fun….

    Kisses everyone!!



  307.  #308Esteemed on July 8, 2012 at 11:19 pm

    Daria,

    Aww, thank you. I totally mean what I’m about to say: It is 2:15 am here, and I am VERY tired. I feel brain dead. So I did not mean to be callous. If I had been more awake, it would have registered that ambition was a trigger word for you.

    Much Love and Huggies, Braindead



  308.  #309Jessie1000 on July 8, 2012 at 11:20 pm

    Oh yah and on POF, I dont use public pics, just private ones and I send them to the guys I choose….

    This weeds out the horny ones, perverts and others and I get to see their personalities long before they have used my pic to relieve their sexual tensions….so to speak…lol



  309.  #310Esteemed on July 8, 2012 at 11:21 pm

    Autumn,

    Thank you!



  310.  #311Esteemed on July 8, 2012 at 11:23 pm

    Jessie,

    You’re wild! 😆



  311.  #312Esteemed on July 8, 2012 at 11:32 pm

    Daria,

    I thinks my foggy mind was equating ambition to POP (Purpose On the Planet) in that moment, even tho I had read you didn’t like being talked to about having ambition.

    You have helped me as much as Rori. I was attempting to express my appreciation.



  312.  #313Tam on July 8, 2012 at 11:51 pm

    I still haven’t opened the email he sent. I am so surprised, but I know already what’s in it. It either contains practical advice, a ‘oh well, if you don’t want to be friends too bad, or an angry reply.
    I do not feel to be exposed to it yet.

    I would like to share with you that I fell asleep at 11pm. I woke up at 1:55 in the middle of the night, worried, sad and I could not sleep again. When I checked my emails, I saw he sent his at 1:53 or so.
    How weird is that?
    It doesn’t surprise me so much because I have a very acute intuition and it’s sometimes really across countries…it might just be coincidence but I never usually wake up at night.
    Onwards and upwards.
    I am so happy to have all of you here…it keeps me strong and resolved that something better is out there….waiting for me.



  313.  #314samy on July 9, 2012 at 12:17 am

    Hi Lovely Girls. Do you know if I can get in touch with rori personally via email or something? I know it’s just been a day that I posted about my sister’s problem in her 10 day old marriage but I feel so anxious about it all the time. She is leaning back and not doing anything to “fix” things but so is he… I do not know where this is going and the uncertainty feeling…and that this had to happen to my sister…makes me want to cry . If any of you has advice as well, most welcome to comment but I guess the parental influence on a guy’s mind would not be seen so much in the West as in countries like India.



  314.  #315Tam on July 9, 2012 at 12:31 am

    I am going to be spamming again..oops.
    I feel that the fact that he did write back pretty much straight away and didn’t have to go into his man cave, which is usually his preferred mode, shows that maybe me not wanting to be friends is not such a big deal after all.
    I know, need to put the focus back on me and what I am feeling and thinking.
    And I will. Just the combination of a losing a possibility for my plan to come over to the US, and also knocking him out of my life on the same day, was probably a lot to take on… 🙁



  315.  #316Autumn on July 9, 2012 at 1:04 am

    Samy

    I am from a similar background and i myself went through something very similar. I CAN imagine what your sister must be going though. She is very lucky to have a family who is supportive of her. This helps a LOT. One thing i have learned from these types of cultures is that men operate very differently. They approach marriage and women as a ‘trap and snare’ system. Like your sister my guy did the same thing, acted and behaved wonderfully, even though there were issues with his family which i should have picked up on but again like your sister being inexperienced and naive i hoped for the best. But once married and the contract signed it was a completely different ball game. I have never in my life been so miserable, hurt and saddened.

    I am very tempted to say something that goes completely against Rori’s mantra of leaning back, mainly because i KNOW that the cultural contexts are very very different and have a HUGE impact on how relationships are approached and conducted. I think she needs to take control. i know i know! there are a zillion ladies here who will scream noooooo that is not what Rori teaches and for most ‘Western’ situations i would agree.

    Men in our cultures need to have ONE dominant women in their lives. Its either the mother or the wife. and often a new bride is faced with the challenge of having to take this control and power from the mother in law. I have no doubt that her husband is deeply depressed about this issue and wanting a resolution and being ‘guided’ and ‘directed’ by his mother. Her leaning back in this situation is sending the msg that she is ‘guilty’ (of her family disrespecting his family pffffft) and ‘weak’ as a wife. She needs to stand up unequivocally about what she wants and needs in the marriage and be very firm with this. She cannot appear weak but must come across as firm and in charge!!! THEN she should attempt to reach out to him by being open and nurturing, trying to talk to him. However, having been there i know how hard this is as i am sure by this stage the hurt, the disappointment, the pain and the shock is causing her to hate his guts.

    One thing she needs to understand: HE is waiting directions from HER!!!! she cannot afford to sit back and wait for him to come forward because as far as his concerned his already laid the grounds out to her. If she waits for him to reach out to her and show her a ‘loving husband’ persona she will be leaning back and waiting a very long time. Obviously things could go two ways: 1- he responds positively and things improve or 2- he responds negatively and things deteriorates. Either way is better than the hell she and your family is living in right now.

    Samy you can email me if you want and we can have a more private chat if you like. In my situation it was a long process. Suffice it to say that i am no longer with this man and i have never looked back nor have ever been happier.

    Much love to you and your family.



  316.  #317samy on July 9, 2012 at 1:21 am

    Thanks a lot Autumn for stepping up and sharing your very personal experience. Reading it made me feel …a sense of hopelessness which I was trying to avoid given that its just a 10 day old marriage. I would love to write to you personally. Your email please?

    Also, Rori – with your years of experience, I would appreciate so much if you have something to say …also about what autumn said…the contexts become a bit different..since here the man looks a bit brainwashed by his parents… and my sister feels confronted by a wall every time she tries to communicate at a deeper feeling level. Last time they talked, he said – ” ok. if the philosophy is over i’l go get some groceries.” 🙁 🙁

    They are sleeping in different rooms, not talking… yesterday he bought some food from outside and with his back turned to her..told her she could have it from the kitchen 🙁

    she is doing nothing…but its hard to kill expectations from a 10 day old marriage 🙁



  317.  #318Autumn on July 9, 2012 at 1:25 am

    Sammy can you give me your email? I will email you back.



  318.  #319samy on July 9, 2012 at 1:31 am


  319.  #320Daria on July 9, 2012 at 2:06 am

    (((samy)))

    sorry autumn i totally disagree on the dominant woman thing

    there are several Indian women posting on this blog that i know of though!

    in many cultures women have been frequently dominant or another side of the coin ‘caretaking’ of men in at least some ways

    Rori’s stuff is not culture specific. it works in really deep ways underneath culture… to the interplay of masculine and feminine energies in nature and in a masculine-feminine relationship on a deep, emotional, not necessarily conscious level

    for leaning back, yes when the man is not stepping up, it’s good to lean back even more… by making sure the woman’s taking care of herself and her happiness – all efforts on fun and happiness now, not on anxiously waiting for him to step up



  320.  #321Jenny on July 9, 2012 at 2:08 am

    Just a little note about exercise; better do little then nothing. Better do just one situps, then none. And this is my handle of working out. No betting on myself for dont do as much as I want to – to feel pleased with what I’m doing.

    About 2 years ago I couldnt run more then 10 sec before I allmost passed out. Now I can run for 5 min before my leg muscle are too filled with lactic acid, to me to keep on runing.

    Doing one situp each day will later give reslult, not as fast as if you do 10 situps/day: but it is a lot better to take it in baby steps then overdo it and lose intrested.

    ******************************
    So i men update from me:

    I havent heard from CdJim in soon a month; I put him in “busy man” – I let him do his work, his life, and when he takes contact I just be warm and open.

    Got another “busy man” in my cd rotation who sent and sms this morning. I will give a “nice to get an sms from you” kind of feeling message, when I feel for it 🙂 Need to feel more soft and warm then I feel right now; right now I’m in my head 😛

    Was on a first date with another man saturday; he been very courting online, by phone, by sms, by chatt, by skype, by emails. So I felt like a diva and asked if I could come and visit him: and he open up and told me right on the spot in phone; “I would love to meet you, I like you and I’m afraid you will not like me”

    I smiled and said as soft and sweet as I could: “Aww how sweet you are, I feel smiling. I feel curious about you in real life. I understand you feel afraid, I feel also afraid and nervous since I like you and I cant denie I have hope and dreams”

    …so we meet, I borrowd my mother car – yeah I know, but it dod feel alright, since already giving soo much by phone, sms and such.

    We went on a walk in his town…and he was so sweet and nervous…and I totelly melted in his arms.

    I stayed the night with lots of cuddle and kisses – and oral sex :O I felt so ggod baout it, he gave me 3 orgasm and didnt ask for anything in return. We also talked a lot. ..and well still learning to be more feminine when I speak, I feel pleased with how me talked.

    I had to get home and before I left he said; “Call me when you are home, I want to hear you got home safe”

    So I did 🙂 Later he sent both email and we chatted, this morning he had phone me – wich I missed since I was sleeping.

    He already write and say big things like “You have my heart, I know it is early – I think I’m falling in love. I cant wait untill it is us forever”

    And I just smile and thanks him, and tell him how it makes me feel to hear and read what he says.

    One think I noticed; i dont feel afraid for it, I dont feel preasured – it feels good.

    So I enjoy the ride and dont overthinkg it with “How can he already say such things?” I see it as a good sign; I dont feel afraid nooir thinking I owe him something. I just feel safe and good – and all I “owe” him is to be honest about my feelings and I totelly ow it to myself to be open, warm and smiling 🙂



  321.  #322Daria on July 9, 2012 at 2:08 am

    ” ok. if the philosophy is over i’l go get some groceries.”

    this sounds to me like she was not using Feeling Messages in a way that was working for her.

    probably went into lecturing/debate/’philosophy’

    his answer – though it feels bad and is dismissive – is quite masculine in energy



  322.  #323Daria on July 9, 2012 at 2:12 am

    the uncertainty is what we all practice ‘being’ with…

    rori’s assistant may be able to help u

    melanie@coachrori.com



  323.  #324Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 2:19 am

    Daria thanks for the turmeric suggestion. Any for blood clots?? I saw a spot on my leg this morning



  324.  #325Daria on July 9, 2012 at 2:23 am

    btw – its not their happiness being together that counts, its her happiness.

    I would say SHE SHOULD MOVE OUT THE HOUSE IMMEDIATELY!!!!! so that she can have some peace of mind and space from this emotional abuse and really see it clearly!!!

    this guy sounds quite emotionally abusive and your family should look into getting the wedding annulled

    she has to OWN HER POWER HERE! – i do agree here with Autumn that she must be VERY STRONG ABOUT HER BOUNDARIES (without taking a masculine role though)

    i woudl make sure she’s ready to communicate something like:

    she’s feeling heartbroken. this is unacceptable treatment of herself and she does not want to tolerate it. she’s considering getting the wedding annulled. what does he think they should do?

    waiting around hoping and tolerating it is NOT leaning back as its meant to be used



  325.  #326Daria on July 9, 2012 at 2:25 am

    I will recopy your post and send it into moderation so Rori can see it.



  326.  #327Daria on July 9, 2012 at 2:26 am

    Rori – this feels horrible. please help this woman!

    Jesus

    81: samy says:

    Hi rori.
    Thank you for your response to my earlier post if you remember – about the job in the other country and how he shut down and didnt contact me. You were right. we did have a heart to heart and everything was fine. He says he is deeply in love with me and wants to marry me in a year’s time. Thanks rori for being there

    On another note, my sister, who has worked with commitment blueprint and lovescripts too is in a disastrous situation only 10 days post her marriage. she cries every single day and my family and I are very upset and tensed about the whole situation. I suggested that she write to you and I am copying-pasting her letter to you here. The latest update is that she and her husband are sleeping in different rooms, making food separately and now he does not even attempt to talk to her… I have tried giving her all advice – earlier it was open and pure communication…and then of leaning back. now that she is leaning back, he is leaning back even more in what appears to me more of an ego tiff…a battle about who will bend first…. it seems like his mother still controls the way he thinks…and its very hard for my sister to get herself understood.. rori – we would REALLLLLY appreciate your advice. I am really banking upon you to see the situation objectively because i realize i may become biased towards my sister’s well-being… when advising her..but its their happiness together that counts. If anyone else has advice, its also welcome. we are all feeling very stressed.The letter is as follows:

    Dear Rori,
    I have been married only ten days and my life is strangely miserable. I dated my husband for six months before the wedding that took place recently. Before the engagement, things were lovely between us. I always leaned back, he always leaned forward, called me every day, took care of all my needs and was always present emotionally and in every other way. He would drive hours to meet me, cook for me, take me to expensive places. He proposed to me in the most exquisite way and after the engagement too things were great between us. I always expressed myself, he even appreciated me for being so straight forward and expressive.

    After a few weeks of the engagement, our parents had a ceremony for us in India ( our home country) where several expensive gifts were given to him and his parents. His mother exerted pressure on my parents to give even more financial gifts for the wedding and gave totally mixed messages to me about how she felt about me. At times, she would be extra nice and show me off to her friends and relatives ( and yes I am quite pretty and pursuing a PhD in one of the top schools in the U.S, My current husband works with a French aerospace company and makes a good amount of money. His family has several large properties in Delhi, India of which they are very proud) And at other times, she would act very controlling, look for opportunities to prevent us from spending time together and say small meaningless nasty things about how I lack a sense of fashion and how I my face is too big and my eyes too small etc.

    When I expressed myself to my man.. he would always defend his parents saying that they don’t know how to talk and you should not take them too seriously. I did not, because even though the wedding was planned in India, we had to live here just with each other in the U.S. Now, our cultural backgrounds are also different and his mother created a huge fiasco about how none of their ceremonies were followed in the wedding. When my parents asked her how to do it, she would just shut up and act angry. His parents did not show up for the dinner at the wedding even when I was all dressed up as a bride and my groom was sitting next to me. They mocked our rituals right there before the priest and were “generally perpetually angry” and disgusted for reasons that we have not understood even now.
    When offered gifts they refused to take any. ( And I know that this happened because I expressed myself to my fiancé and told him that I do not believe in the Indian nonsense of dowry ( where girls parents give expensive gifts and cash presents to the groom’s family and the groom). Also, my husband’s elder brother had a bitter divorce and the family felt a little scared of dowry charges which is a crime in India , on them which was another reason why did not accept the gifts.
    After a difficult wedding, I had to live with my in laws for a week before coming back to the U.S. In this one week, my mother in law left no stone unturned to make me feel bad about my appearance, clothing, looks etc, taunting me at how little gold I got from my family and all other sorts of crap. When I told my husband about it, he would sometimes defend me, sometimes defend his parents, sometimes tell them not to speak to me like that and sometimes join them in telling me how I din’t dress well enough for a new bride. When I told him that he never spoke to me like this before the wedding, he said that he din’t have rights over me till then but now he does. Later when I brought this up again.. he said hes also married for the first time and doesn’t know how to behave correctly every time.
    One day before leaving for the U.S, I requested him to talk to my parents on the phone before leaving and he refused saying that he and his family had been disrespected at the wedding.. even though I asked him several times he hasn’t told me how exactly they were disrespected ! I cried my heart and soul out before him, felt really lonely and isolated and hurled some angry words including.. that I don’t want such a life at the age of 27 and would rather be divorced and single than deal with such a life.

    We had different flights to the U.S and he did come to pick me up at the airport and almost cried at seeing me. When he took me to our lovely new home, I melted again, I expressed what I felt but he was again defensive and said that he will never talk to my parents and I should not control him. I gave it up right there and since then I have not tried talking to him about why he is angry at my parents. It just does not make sense.
    I feel it is nothing more than an ego issue and they did not like it that I told my fiancé that I would not want the exchange of heavy gifts in my wedding and that is how it happened. Also, my husband arranged for a two bedroom house for me ( because I requested him for one, so that I can study peacefully and have my own space in the house for the hundreds of books I have )… which my mother in law also did not like and said that I have a way of having my way with everything and so does my family. I guess, the root problem is that she does not like her son spending on me at all. He also arranged for a honey moon for us in an exotic location which has not happened yet and is due for the 25th of July.
    Recently, my husband who earns more than 100k a year and I am on a doctoral scholarship and earn less than 25k asked me to go a 50-50 on all household expenses and even told me that I should be paying for any dinners that I go out for or any other fun activities. While, this is not totally unfair, before the wedding he always took me out to expensive places himself and even when I had myself offered to share in household expenses he had said that I can save my money and he will take care of things. He also said that I dint have to share expenses just because I was going to live in the same house and that I was going to be his wife and so it was ok . What horrifies me is the change of words and behaviors. He has suddenly started acting very weird around money, is very concentrated on sex and resistant towards talking about emotions. And yes, he does plenty of chores around the house and wants to kiss me and have sex with me all the time but says twisted things that take my feelings away from him.
    I told him that I will only go to places with him if I am invited over by him and I will not pay for dates that he invites me over for. Also, I told him that I cannot afford those expensive places that he goes to and he has to let me know before hand if I am expected to pay so I can decide if I want to go at all.
    I am a virgin and we have tried having sex but its not happened yet. It has been ten days to our wedding and suddenly I feel like I am with a new man who only wants sex out of me and has no capacity for an emotional connection. I am unable to not judge him.. I feel like I have suffered so much drama and mental agony over the past 20 days that I don’t want to have anything to do with him. I have stopped talking to him even though we live in the same house. He cooks his own meals and sleeps alone.. he has not tried talking to me either. Every time I try talking to him, I feel emotionally tired as if I just cannot have an emotional connection with this man that I am now married to. I feel like I am talking to a wall where every word I say just bounces off and does not enter his heart and mind.

    After the episode where he told me to pay up 50% of all expenses, I have stopped talking to him and sleeping with him completely. He has not tried to talk things out with me either and I am just letting it be for now because I feel let down and alone in ten days of marriage.

    Please tell me what I can do to help this or I should continue doing nothing at all. There is this constant bitterness, discomfort in the air and makes me feel so upset that this is the fate of the start of my marriage.



  327.  #328Rebecca on July 9, 2012 at 2:30 am

    Daria

    But if I kiss these men, and let them touch me, yet I am not enjoying it – am I not leading them on?



  328.  #329Daria on July 9, 2012 at 2:30 am

    Autumn – sorry i got triggered by the ‘dominant’ woman in their life line. that is actually the only part of your post i disagree with.

    the rest of your advice is pretty much right on id say.

    she has to have boundaries and respect herself now!



  329.  #330samy on July 9, 2012 at 2:34 am

    Thanks Daria. I also think that dominant women thing will work only temporarily. According to what my sister “feels”, she feels he did feel for her a lot…that he really likes her…and what charmed him the most about her during their dating days…was the fact that she was not controlling and spoke her mind softly and gently.

    However, after the wedding, he categorically refused to speak to our parents before leaving for the usa where they are currently settled saying that his parents were not respected at the wedding !!! He has also written her two long emails saying that all married couples split expenses 50:50 and that he can see they are clearly not working well as a team !!! And my sister said – I do not feel comfortable pooling in money for your petrol and transport expenses. Maximum I can offer is the expenses that are increased because of me.

    There are no feeling messages being exchanged because communication is dead. he does the chores for her…like yesterday she told him she feels lost without a phone…and he said he will bring her one today..but apart from such dead factual communication…there is nothing more.

    Also on facebook etc..he comments to his friends like – “yeah we are back in the USA and the ” do not disturb sign’ is still on the door.
    My sister feels he pretends to show to the world that everything is fine and normal and they are having a great time. She feels he lies at some level only to show off to the world. This hurts her further because she feels like a trophy wife…someone he worked hard to get …but now that she is married..he does not feel the need to make much effort…

    over and above , his mother’s negative brainwashing predominates all the softness that was built during the dating months 🙁 he even said things to her like – ” mom just wants u to dress nicer. thats why she says stuff like you dont have a sense of fashion. she says it for you good!””

    and my sister just cries 🙁



  330.  #331Daria on July 9, 2012 at 2:34 am

    Rebecca – simple answer: no.

    more complete answer: allowing a person to touch and kiss you is not a promise of… anything. he may never call u again himself.

    even more complete answer: allowing men to touch and kiss you opens you up to the Possibility of liking them (which won’t happen without that). it doesnt mean you will. it means it opens you to the possibility. and thats where u want to be, open.

    Also, don’t let them touch or kiss you anymore than you feel comfortable though. you don’t want to be making out thinking, ew gross. that will feel awful.

    but if it feels pleasant, not completely totally icky, open up to it as much as you feel comfortable



  331.  #332Autumn on July 9, 2012 at 2:35 am

    Samy i have sent you and email just now. Sorry it is long but i was trying to make it specific towards your situation.

    Daria, “I would say SHE SHOULD MOVE OUT THE HOUSE IMMEDIATELY!!!!! so that she can have some peace of mind and space from this emotional abuse and really see it clearly!!!”

    Sadly the situation may be far more complex than you realize and Samy’s sister may not be able to move out for a variety of reasons.

    Though under normal situations i would agree with you 110%.



  332.  #333Daria on July 9, 2012 at 2:37 am

    Boundaries are strong on the inside, not dominant.

    but they are strong. they are tolerating NOTHING, let alone horrible behavior

    and a man is responsible for himself and his behavior, no matter what culture

    he has to be able to do relationship – in the context of real life, with the ‘baggage’ of his family

    if he cannot do relationship in this real life context, he cannot do relationship (right now, etc)



  333.  #334Tam on July 9, 2012 at 2:39 am

    I just saw him online on where we used to chat…at 4am his time. Could be coincidence but he never has been before, at that time. In two years. Guess he slept as badly as me, kinda funny….pff.



  334.  #335Autumn on July 9, 2012 at 2:44 am

    Daria

    That’s ok. I knew i was saying something that was against the grain of everyone on here; Sorry if i upset anyone. I was also speaking from a cultural context.

    Samy, Yes she can’t be dominant for the rest of her marriage. And its lovely that he admired and liked her softness and femininity. She shouldn’t change who she is to please anyone. But I think she needs an initial burst of ‘energy’ by telling him what she expects and what is not acceptable to her i.e. his mother telling her what to wear or splitting the expenses. She needs to be very strong about this and needs to tell him this is none negotiable. In order for him to stop bullying her he needs to see her as a strong AND feminine women. Not just as feminine.



  335.  #336samy on July 9, 2012 at 2:45 am

    unfortunately, she says her real feeling is that this was a trap and she is trapped and this man will never step up. And with this feeling…she is finding it hard to navigate through rori’s tools even though she is trying.

    And Daria, your communication is so sharp and soft at the same time. I also feel she should do the thing about the house…that you recommended.

    unfortunately, she does not drive..there is no public transport near by for her to even visit her friends often..and if she decides to step out of that house…its a foreign country …she does not have a big support system there yet…but yes..if things remain like this..i also feel there are not many alternatives there

    thanks for sending the post to rori too, Daria 🙂 I feel happy to see that there are so many women out here, lovely, loving and supportive. I already feel much better…my sister’s internet is slow but she is following every comment here and we already feel very supported 🙂

    Autumn – i will go read your email now and thanks a lot again 🙂



  336.  #337Autumn on July 9, 2012 at 2:48 am

    Samy

    Yay! Lots of love to you and your sister and the powerful women on here!



  337.  #338Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 2:49 am

    Tam it seems you are resisting vulnerability and autheticity. Are theyy covered by anger?



  338.  #339Tam on July 9, 2012 at 2:49 am

    Oh Jeepers, woman! 😉
    I just by mistake saw the top of his email to me (the one after me saying I can’t be friends) and he started it with the pet name he gave me. Urgh. I wish I hadn’t seen that. Stupid phone email checking.
    I feel teary.



  339.  #340Daria on July 9, 2012 at 2:53 am

    Autumn – nonetheless I INSIST she should move out Immediately – to a hotel is fine – in order to take care of herself.

    unless she’s in physical danger. in which case she should move out carefully.

    Im pretty well experienced with a variety of cultures and realize that there’s ‘expectations’ and i say – bullsht.

    u either want to be happy and create a relationship that works

    or u endure abuse and bad treatment until such time that you are ready to take care of yourself and want to be happy and create a relationship that works

    these people live in the US, she has some money and family support

    it looks most likely that, after getting some rest and taking care of herself – she will not choose to continue the marriage . in that case, its best for her to already be out.

    if she is to continue it, EVERYTHING must change, and that will happen when its clear that shees committed to taking care of herself

    right now it sounds like she’s trapped, miserable, desperate

    I know you are probably triggered because it reminds you of your situation – and taking care of us ALWAYS comes first.

    I feel resentful like im being patronized being told ‘it may be more… than i realize.’

    I don’t appreciate that. I realize you hold that opinion that being of the same or a similar culture you have more insight into this situation and you have every right to do that , but it doesnt feel good to me.

    I consider that being the same culture as someone or having similar experiences doesn’t automatically make one a superior (to others) source of relationship advice.

    Though your personal experience and feelings are quite welcome and important here.

    I’ve often noticed on blog that when someone is triggered by a situation that approximates their own, there tends to be a lot of projection and sometimes advice away from Rori’s teachings which doesn’t necessarily help.



  340.  #341Daria on July 9, 2012 at 2:55 am

    Samy – unfortunately, since his behavior is SOOO drastically different, like a 180* change I think your sister is right that this was in a sense ‘a trap’ and that this man is simply broken and unable to do relationship right now

    sorry ((((Sammy’s sister))))

    it’s best for her to move out of that house for emotional space… so she can think from there…



  341.  #342Rebecca on July 9, 2012 at 2:56 am

    Sirens

    How is the best way to deal with a man you have had a one-night-stand with? He was not a CD but a neighbour.

    I didn’t know him very well, and he seemed quite aloof, but when he did give me some attention I think it went to my head and I let one thing lead to another and I tried to blank out the consequences. 

    I wish I could turn back time because now I find myself dreaming and thinking about him a lot. I feel quite stuck.

    Anyway, he is just carrying on like nothing has happened between us, and he’s insinuated that it is the kindof thing he does all the time.

    The thing is now I just don’t know how to talk to him. I can’t just carry on like nothing has happened, but I am worried that if Ido say something to me he might react nastily and call me a drama queen.

    I’m not sure what to do? My other option is to completely ignore him as I don’t want to put my energy into someone who is going to give me so little in return. But at the same time by ignoring him am I missing out on an opportunity to learn and grown and maybe I should be patient? But how patient should you be?

    In general it always turns me off a man if I feel that I am making more of an effort than he is. Plus I don’t think this situation will change.



  342.  #343Tam on July 9, 2012 at 2:58 am

    FW… it’s more sadness, I can’t detect anger right now. I feel sad at giving up, and not just in one area of my life. Yet it is the only way right now. I just feel sad and like I want to blank all the difficult stuff out.



  343.  #344Daria on July 9, 2012 at 2:59 am

    Femininity is strong on the inside soft on the outside

    it is not “just feminine” vs dominant

    A feminine woman DOES NOT TOLERATE BAD BEHAVIOR.

    EVER!

    THAT IS HUGELY IMPORTANT

    we work so much on that here – boundaries

    its ABSOLUTELY part of being feminine



  344.  #345Daria on July 9, 2012 at 3:04 am

    Rebecca – yes DONT GIVE HIM A SECOND LOOK. Be cordial, he’s your neighbor…. but that’s it!

    there’s nothing for you to learn there… moving on!



  345.  #346Rebecca on July 9, 2012 at 3:08 am

    Daria

    I feel unheard. I have already said I would feel uncomfortable kissing or touching these CDs.



  346.  #347Daria on July 9, 2012 at 3:09 am

    Autumn – I hope i didn’t turn you away from Rori’s work.

    I hope here you will wind up learning that a woman can be strong and dignified and stand for what she wants and not tolerate and that POWER is hugely Feminine.

    Rori’s tools work – when done correctly – work in all cultural contexts, including those where there seem to be ‘special concerns’ or where tradition has specified roles for women that seem to contrast with the tools.



  347.  #348Tam on July 9, 2012 at 3:10 am

    We are prob both afraid of intimacy. When he had major problems and pushed me away I said ‘ok, but I’ll be here when you get out of the funk, I can’t guarantee in what capacity but I’ll be here’. And as it is me who is in the funk, he is kind of signalling me that he is there. But things have changed and platonic friendship is not what either of us signed up for and it’s not going to stop him from making a move again and the potential to snatch me away from another man will always be there.
    It’s unhealthy.



  348.  #349Daria on July 9, 2012 at 3:10 am

    also sorry for getting all dominant myself and going all “you” language



  349.  #350Daria on July 9, 2012 at 3:14 am

    Rebecca – im sorry you feel unheard. i didnt mean for that… can i help you with something in particular about it?

    its fine if u feel uncomfortable kissing or allowing them to touch you… as long as you don’t feel ABSOLUTELY icky or repelled… just try it

    if it feels disgusting and gross, stop.

    but let them kiss you the first time they try on a date. and let them touch you, at least your hand.

    that’s what worked for me to open up

    i would never have kissed those men without that advice from rori. it worked for me.



  350.  #351Rebecca on July 9, 2012 at 3:21 am

    Daria

    I am finding it so hard to be cordial to him. He is constantly smirking at me and making little comments about us doing it again. I feel like he is constantly flirting with me.

    I can’t wait till he moves out in August. I can’t bare being at home at the moment.



  351.  #352Daria on July 9, 2012 at 3:24 am

    hmm this is Daria stuff now people might be triggered by it so i suggest skip it unless u just really care about what i write

    im feeling triggered

    when someone challenges my authorship or tries to push me aside

    but I also feel triggered when someone brings up the cultural argument

    but CD won’t work cuz my bf is traditional Chinese

    but in England guys dont pay for dates

    but Eastern European men are jerky

    but muslim families have special concerns

    but in Indian culture it’s different

    but in Latin countries its normal for men to…

    etc etc

    NONE OF THAT MATTERS

    RORI’s STUFF WORKS ACROSS THE BOARD

    I DONT LIKE BE?ING PUSHED ASIDE

    SORRY DARIA YOURE NOT ____XX___ YOU WOULDNT KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT

    ONLY PEOPLE OF MY CULTURE KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT

    doesnt matter that youve lived/worked/been aroudn people of whatever culture,

    yu just dont know

    sure you think you do but you dont

    ugh that ish feels SOOOO annoying i hate racism

    and i hate on the other hand people who dotn resepct a culture and butt in

    and i dont want to be that person so i STuff my feelings in these situations

    and i dont want to do that anymore

    i want to heal this

    thank you



  352.  #353Daria on July 9, 2012 at 3:30 am

    more Daria processing that should be skipped by anyone who doesn’t just for some reason want to really read all my stuff

    feeling stifled

    okay realizign i use these very same arguments w myself

    these guys ‘arent like that’

    they will not be ok with… buying me gifts, treating me well, opening my door etc

    but they are they are

    so when that comes up

    and it doese

    its come up from the enviroment here on blog and on other dating sites

    this ‘people around are liek this so we should follow the old dynamics

    your new dynamics wont work though it would be nice’

    i dont want to deal with this anymoe

    but then again how come i usually open up only to men of certain cultures?

    hmmm



  353.  #354Rebecca on July 9, 2012 at 3:34 am

    Daria

    Yes, I feel repulsed by these men in a physical way, and icky.

    Occasionally I don’t but should you kiss someone if you feel he is not that in to you?

    I guessI seem to attract one extreme or the other.



  354.  #355Daria on July 9, 2012 at 3:35 am

    im feeling real pist,

    real ashamed and real pist for being feeling ashamed

    rarrgh

    i feel scared too

    i want to retreat and put up a wall and only be w me

    wow im noticing this

    yes it doesnt feel safe to interact w others right now, except w a numb stance or in masculine energy

    hmmm

    howd i get here



  355.  #356Rebecca on July 9, 2012 at 3:36 am

    Sorry, that doesn’t make sense.

    What I mean is should you kiss someone even if you have a ‘gut instinct’ that he is going to poof on you?



  356.  #357Autumn on July 9, 2012 at 3:41 am

    Daria

    I feel very surprised and upset by your strong comments but i appreciate your apology. I am obviously new to Roris site and i would have liked you to gently point out the things that were upsetting to you rather than get upset. I genuinely had no intention of hurting anyone’s feelings or be insensitive or use my personal experience to indicate that i know better than everyone else. And yes i do agree with you that i am triggered.

    I am still learning to become familiar with Roris work. I do however have a problem with accepting the idea that femininity is expressed the same in all cultures. I agree that women should be respected and treated well and not be abused and bullied etc. In the same way that western values of human rights may clash radically with eastern values of human rights or women’s rights. I am not saying one is superior than the other but that simply there are different values relating to the same issue and while all ‘feminine’ energy is the same irrespective of culture, cultural contexts prevents the full realization of women’s femininity in certain situations. I re-iterate that a woman should be treated with love and respect and consideration.

    I will not apologize for expressing my views from a different cultural context and feel that this is an asset rather than something i should hide lest i make someone feel uncomfortable or left out of a conversation. I do not want to deny my different experiences because that would be a rejection of my own femininity as well as the experience of other women unlike “these people [who] live in U.S.”.

    I acknowledge that i may have used the wrong terminology. i.e. instead of using strong i may have stated ‘dominant’.

    I also agree that she should leave immediately and not look back as I did when i was in the same situation. But again there are issues, as you would be aware, that prevent a woman from often acting in the best of her own interest, such as extreme family pressure which makes making that simple choice very difficult and confusing. In my opinion instead of telling her to RUN for it because she may not be able to do so i thought i would offer an alternative opinion to what others such as yourself have presented. I certainly had to fight very very very hard against a daily torrent and barrage of emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual threats to have my own personal freedom and to have the right to sit here right now. This does not make me superior to anyone on here, but it does give me a layer of insight and experience that i am going to express, even if it upsets others.

    Again my sincere apologies if i have come across as anything other than genuine and humble.



  357.  #358Jenny on July 9, 2012 at 3:41 am

    Rebecca – then let him flirt with you. And if he direct ask you for more sex…you just say “I’m sorry, I cant have casual sex with you….____” and you say what you feel and think.

    Unless he ask you directly for more sex, you let him flirt with you; smile, warm and open. You dont do anything.

    And please, please dont beat on yourself for having an ONS – not all woman can have it without feeling attached. No regrets, no looking back – remember it with a smile and allow yourself see it as your iner sex godess just wanted to play.

    So my best advice on dealing with this man; be warm and open to his flirting; flirting is fun and good for over life spirits; but that is all he is doing; untill he ask for anything else, he is just flirting.

    If he ask for sex, just tell him you cant have casusal sex, you need more…think it was on another post.



  358.  #359Daria on July 9, 2012 at 3:41 am

    Daria stuff:

    u know i actually have opened up to quite a few cultures of men that i hadnt before

    so im doing a great job

    yay me 🙂



  359.  #360Tam on July 9, 2012 at 3:46 am

    I feel weird, like I did the wrong thing. I don’t want to lose one of my best friends. I feel so confused. Maybe I made a mistake… I don’t even know if I want a relationship, but I’d have liked to try and see where it was going. Being told ‘let’s make it platonic’ kind of stopped it in the tracks….and he’s the one who always destroys the platonicness anyway. Not me! I am happy to be friends, then he tries more, I respond and then it’s back to ‘friends’ again as soon as I have to go away for a bit. Guess I just had it?! But not with him, just the changing goalposts!!! And the ‘she dates someone else, now I need to win her back’. It’s just too much like a game.



  360.  #361Daria on July 9, 2012 at 3:47 am

    Autumn – i felt triggered intensely. sorry if my words felt harsh

    especially in my processing – you’re new – this is how i process, its raw and scary sometimes

    sometimse i judge people and blame people – none of those are true. just stuff that comes to my attention to process and love myself more

    this was not your fault (even if it semes like it was even to some of my nvs in certain ways, its … jsut not. its not my fault and its not yoru fault or anyones). its my reaction based on my past experiences

    im a ‘loud’ voice on here, and you being new mgiht not be aware…

    i dont want you to feel bad or take it personally



  361.  #362Jenny on July 9, 2012 at 3:49 am

    Rebecca – NO, No -if you are feeling repelled by them kissing you, dont let them.

    I belive in listen to your body: I never let a man touch me, when his attempt makes my body move backward – and away from him.

    But does it feel ok to be kissed, even if he is going to poof; well why not..I mean kissing is nice – and hmm belive he will poof, that sounds more like you are judging him. Just live in the now….if it feels good to be kissed (and not you body moving backward) then just let him kiss you…he is there right there and wantt o kiss. let him – it is just a kiss.

    …And if your guts jsut sream NO; then you listen to it – I promise you will learn what is your thoughts that is judging, and when its is your guts.

    I have during this last year been on over 40 dates; on no way I have let all men kissed me…some I havent even want to hug….my iner body feeling was just screaming “NONO”…that is guts.



  362.  #363Daria on July 9, 2012 at 3:49 am

    Rebecca – yes, even if he poofs

    its not about kissing HIM

    its about letting a man on a date kiss you. and not paying attention to those NV’s and gut instincts that say he’s gonna poof – those aren’t helpful or necessarily true

    what’s true is how you feel in the moment

    a thought about what he might do in the future (poof) is not a feeling – though it does bring up feelings and can disconnect us from a man in the moment



  363.  #364Autumn on July 9, 2012 at 3:50 am

    (((((((Daria)))))) 🙂 I have learned this much. THANK YOU for this conversation. I have learned so much! Much love to you.



  364.  #365Daria on July 9, 2012 at 3:54 am

    I agree with Jenny that if your body moves backwards and is powerfully repelled then no

    but ive been on lots of dates as well and have let almost all of them kiss me, and certainly all hug me

    i wonder why Jenny has not maybe im quite open with men now?

    i AM very non-judgemental of them compared to before…



  365.  #366Rebecca on July 9, 2012 at 4:05 am

    Jenny

    Thank you for your advice but I am finding it almost impossible to be warm and open with him!! I just feel so much anger and frustration towards him…

    I just wish he was a bit more humble about the whole thing. He is practically gloating about it like it is some huge big deal. It is driving me up the wall.

    I don’t want to flirt with him because his head is big enough as it is. Lol..



  366.  #367Jenny on July 9, 2012 at 4:11 am

    Dont know Daria, maybe since a lot fo those dates I accepted was with men I was feeling nothing for online, no intrested at all. I ahve starting to dont go on a date now, when I’m having that feeling of emtyness for a man, when he aint making me feel intrested at all.

    For me it was a learning thing of fine tune my inner guts,

    And I also take it as well, something in those men who I have backed away from – wich is maybe 3-5 of all 40. Was just a bad match for me and my guts told me so. Those other I have huged but not more, since I wasnt feeling attracted to them…and some didnt want to hug me.



  367.  #368Jenny on July 9, 2012 at 4:19 am

    Rebecca – the anger and frustration; that is very your work is…can you dig deeper into it?



  368.  #369Jenny on July 9, 2012 at 4:30 am

    Hmm I’m feeling a little supriced and happy right now. One of my casual CD, been sms with me all morning; and now he ask me out on a sexdate…ower third…4 days in advance – 4 days!!! :O

    Feels darn good and i did thank him for it with a fm about “I will gladly meet you on friday. Feels good when somebody ask me out some days in advance. Thank you I appreciate it”

    and he just text back; “My pleasure :)”



  369.  #370Rebecca on July 9, 2012 at 4:45 am

    Jenny

    I’m not sure I do want to dig deeper.



  370.  #371Jenny on July 9, 2012 at 4:48 am

    Rebecca – then you dont, just accept the anger and frustration right now – this is all about you.



  371.  #372Linda on July 9, 2012 at 4:51 am

    So I have this thought this morning. I am sure it is due to how I felt when I went to bed last night after the ick meeting earlier, a conversation I had with another CD. That was ick too. THen…. I had the man that I met at my favorite restaurant when I was eating there alone by the water…. he text me and ask if I wanted to meet and enjoy the fresh air. I accepted and he said he would be available at 7:30… um I had not heard from him and at 9:00 I text and ask if something had happened. NO response….

    So I felt flat…uninspired and kinda yucky truthfully

    SO my question is:

    What is worse? Being with a man that gives you crumbs that whom you love .

    Receiving lots of attention from men you dont like at all.

    or

    Being alone

    I thought to myself I really have been alone for quite a while. THe last time I felt “with” someone was July of ’08. So…. what is missing now is a man who gave me just crumbs.

    I hate to admit it but crumbs are better than nothing but is nothing I can settle for…

    I feel unhopeful.

    Linda



  372.  #373samy on July 9, 2012 at 5:00 am

    daria and autumn. send you love and positive energy. Autumn I forwarded your email to my sister. Thank you so much both of you for your engaged responses to help better the situation. I will update you on what’s happening and cannot wait for rori to respond and fix this for my poor little sister 🙁
    love to both



  373.  #374Daria on July 9, 2012 at 5:26 am

    Autumn – thank you do much. I felt so honored and comforted by ur message… (((((Autumn)))))



  374.  #375Daria on July 9, 2012 at 5:34 am

    Jenny – thanks for sharing! I feel like I ‘get’ your experience more now :). It does not feel confusingly different from mine anymore … Tho even if it did it wd be ok 🙂



  375.  #376Daria on July 9, 2012 at 5:38 am

    I just talked to the PerfectDate man

    He wanted to buy me gifts!

    And has his own business…

    Was attentive of my profile,

    Volunteered that he wants to wake up and cook and massage me… And even smell my morning breath lol

    Wanted to take me to bkfst rite now…:)

    I didn’t even tell him I liked massages, seemed like he knew all my preferences already 🙂

    And he was funny n cool and it felt fun to talk to him 🙂

    Yay

    And I actually booked dates for tomorrow yay



  376.  #377Daria on July 9, 2012 at 5:38 am

    I just talked to the PerfectDate man

    He wanted to buy me gifts!

    And has his own business…

    Was attentive of my profile,

    Volunteered that he wants to wake up and cook and massage me… And even smell my morning breath lol

    Wanted to take me to bkfst rite now…:)

    I didn’t even tell him I liked massages, seemed like he knew all my preferences already 🙂

    And he was funny n cool and it felt fun to talk to him 🙂

    Yay

    And I actually booked dates for tomorrow yay

    Not w him tho that’s the day after 🙂 unless I get freed up 🙂



  377.  #378Autumn on July 9, 2012 at 5:40 am

    Linda lots of hugs to you. I am sorry i am only new to this so i feel a little shy giving advice but i know how you feel. between being lonely and being with someone who gives you very little.

    Just have faith that there is someone wonderful out there for you and he is so worth waiting for and staying hopeful for. You should try to distract yourself with something you love doing to stop feeling yuck. Maybe watch a really funny movie or read a good book?

    Samy please send lots of love to your sister and tell her she is amazing and strong!

    Daria 🙂



  378.  #379Daria on July 9, 2012 at 5:42 am

    It’s like he got in my head nd knew everything, even wat kina smoke I liked n

    That I’ve been wanting men to get me gifts…. Yay 🙂

    Putting real spiritual statuses on my site worked 🙂

    He even knew I was a fighter!



  379.  #380Autumn on July 9, 2012 at 5:42 am

    Daria! That is amazing! he sounds so great! Yay 😀



  380.  #381Autumn on July 9, 2012 at 5:45 am

    Is this your first date with him?



  381.  #382Starla on July 9, 2012 at 6:37 am

    Good morning, sirens

    I just woke up from sleep aka The Nightmare Express Train.

    I am going to look for some EFT videos on nightmares.

    Last night’s was very interesting. I was getting attacked by a gang of young men and I was trying to fight my way out, but I couldn’t punch very hard. Which is weird, cuz I’ve been training. which makes me wonder — how hard can I REALLY punch and kick when it counts?

    Anyway, I did get away, and was hysterical. I found DrummerGuy sitting around the corner. He thought I was hysterically sobbing “He locked me out of the house” like I had gotten into a fight with a boyfriend or something. I was trying to tell him these guys had just attacked me. Then the guys caught up to me and it turned out they knew DrummerGuy, so he said “hey, she’s with me,” and they moved on. But DrummerGuy kind of shrugged about the whole ordeal.

    Then there was some weird stuff about my job in there, where they were working out of my house, and my shirt kept being off. WHY? That keeps happening in a lot of my dreams (my shirt being off)!! And I had even told them, “I had a dream that I was very late to work today, because I was getting attacked by a gang of boys, but then I woke up and I was of course just dreaming and here I am on time.”

    Then a Mexican drug cartel had taken over my scientologist friend’s house, and had broken another friend’s arm. It was just so weird and stressful and scary

    Anyway, I’m tired of having nightmares every night. I miss smoking pot – they were less vivid then. But I’m determined to harness this vivid dreaming power for positive dreams instead of these nightmares.



  382.  #383Esteemed on July 9, 2012 at 6:50 am

    Samy,

    81 – What a horrible deception your sister has been put in! She has everything going for her, and it is being stripped from her.

    Please beg her, with whatever strength she has, GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



  383.  #384Esteemed on July 9, 2012 at 7:07 am

    Samy,

    My Dad pulled this sort of crap on my Mom after 3 years of dating. It was NOTHING on the scale of what you have described. But he treated my Mom like a princess all the time they were dating, and the day they married, he became a different person.

    Years later in counseling, he said, “When we married, the two became one, and I’m the one!”

    I can see my parents’ marriage a lot more clearly, now that I have studied Rori’s tools and come thru a lot of healing. I know that there were mistakes made on each side. But my Mom had no self esteem after 25 years of marriage. It destroyed her as a person.

    Tell your sister that her emotional wellbeing and life are worth more than anything. Even if she has to lose everything else, she will be far better of to just get out, whatever it takes.

    These people are beyond emotionally abusive…they are emotionally sick.



  384.  #385Esteemed on July 9, 2012 at 7:16 am

    Linda,

    370 – Hold out for all the best! Check out Jonathon Aslay, a relationship coach. He is in his 40s and he met the woman of his dreams!

    When I feel discouraged, I try to think about success stories like his to reassure myself that there is a special man for ME. Not a perfect man, because he doesn’t exist…but the right man for ME.



  385.  #386Jessie1000 on July 9, 2012 at 7:16 am

    Samy,
    I know there is a new thread up but in case you checked, I have my little two cents for you.

    Having been married to 3 men lol from the Middle East and they have a very dominant culture and dominant family members, I have learned something very important. I have learned every wrong thing that can be done, I have done.

    How to get divorced.

    Step 1
    Try to do something.

    Step 2
    Believe truly that the mother and the son believe the same things.

    Step 3
    Reject the husband because of personal stress from outside family forced.

    Step 4
    Forget to take care of yourself and yourself only when with ur husband….like, stop dressing nice, stop sitting with ur friends, talking about him, gossipping and involving lots of people in the whole drama.

    My advice?

    I would do nothing.
    Feel the anxiety and stress.
    Believe that the husband can reconcile his love for you with his mothers feelings.
    Believe that your husband is good and kind even if he seems quiet or estranged at first.
    Feed your husband, love him and smile at him.
    Lean back and feel the terror of waiting on him.
    If he does try to ignore you then do your own thing.

    It sucks.
    Its not optimal.
    But men need some time to process.
    If he was a bad guy he would beat the SH** out of her or leave or cheat.
    Hes not doing that.
    So hes probably just chilling.
    Show some patience.
    Love everyone and dont talk bad about anyone…not the mom, not the husband, not anyone cause that is like throwing a match to a dry woodland.

    Kisses girls.



  386.  #387Esteemed on July 9, 2012 at 7:28 am

    Jessie,

    384 – I feel shocked and horrified reading what you wrote! I feel sad to see a Siren advising another Siren to accept abusive behavior. I want to scream!



  387.  #388Esteemed on July 9, 2012 at 7:30 am

    Subscribing



  388.  #389Starla on July 9, 2012 at 7:35 am

    Can someone please fill me in where this woman’s sister is experiencing abuse? I read through the comments but must have missed it. Her husband sounds lame and cold, but where is the abuse?



  389.  #390Esteemed on July 9, 2012 at 7:41 am

    Starla,

    Emotional abuse is unseen, but it is like slow suicide. Her self-esteem is being decimated at every turn, by both her husband and her mother-in-law.

    I watched this with my Mother throughout her marriage. She is getting a lot of putdowns: her appearance, the gift issue….it’s as if everything she is and everything she does is horrible…while all the while, she is a beautiful, vibrant, young woman working on her PhD.

    I know all about emotional abuse.



  390.  #391Starla on July 9, 2012 at 7:49 am

    I’m sorry to hear about what happened with your mother.

    I’m still just not seeing where in Samy’s posts there is such a strong indication. I would really appreciate it if someone would point it out to me if I missed it in all these comments. Otherwise I feel a bit freaked out at all the blind extrapolations and projections happening here.

    I am glad someone submitted it to Rori for her consideration, as she is probably the best one to handle this as a married woman herself. Rori will probably ask for more information, unless, like I said, I keep missing where this has been said.



  391.  #392Esteemed on July 9, 2012 at 7:54 am

    In Samy’s sister’s case, already the self doubt has started to creep in. “What have I done wrong? Did I do something wrong? I must have! The man I just committed my life to is terribly upset with me!”

    I grew up in this environment. I believed everything I said and everything I did was wrong. Most of what I said was ignored, interrupted, yelled at, or criticized. What kind of self esteem can you have when you come to believe that everything you do, say, think, and feel is wrong?

    And this is only 10 days into marriage! That is a time that is supposed to be filled with joy and love! This man does not love her!

    If she stays in the marriage, 5 years from now, she will be a shadow of her former self. She will hate her life.



  392.  #393Starla on July 9, 2012 at 8:05 am

    I guess I am not being clear with my question. My question is where is there an example of actual abusive behavior on the husband’s part? Did I miss it? If someone could copy and paste it directly, I’d appreciate it.



  393.  #394Esteemed on July 9, 2012 at 8:23 am

    Starla,

    I don’t have time to go thru Samy’s post and pull out thing by thing. But I wonder if you would want to be married to her sister’s husband and in that situation? I wonder if that sounds like a dream marriage to you?



  394.  #395Tam on July 9, 2012 at 8:23 am

    oh, I feel kind of worried reading what goes on on the blog, I’d love to hear something positive.

    I feel silly. I feel like I overreacted yesterday, and now I have pushed away one of my best friends because he is not ready for a relationship with me. So what? Maybe I was not ready for it either, perhaps just my pride was scratched when he mentioned the ‘platonic’ thing. Increasinly I believe it was my pride and also a control thing…pushing away that which we can’t control.
    I feel so confused and I still have not read the last email he wrote when I told him I did not want to be platonic friends..I can’t get myself to do it.
    I will do it when ready.

    He told me he keeps the boat until I get back, as he plans selling up and moving – and he knows it is my favourite thing…he was actually very sweet – and I hit him with ‘no friends’ when that was what we were first and foremost. I don’t know. I feel like saying ‘just forget what I said, I am feeling sad and bereft being out of my comfort zone’ – that’s my overwhelming feeling. I know if I was there we’d just be hanging out, everything would move organically like it did and none of this would have happened….how frustrating.
    I feel so confused. I do not know what I want.
    How do I find out what I want?
    🙁



  395.  #396Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 8:28 am

    Starla I agree with you on this one which is one reason I did not comment. This woman is married and I believe Rori’s experience and advice would be the best in the situation. Also what was shared is actually second-hand so I believe reasonably would include a bit of Samy’s own opinions. I feel confident there are parts of a picture not yet fully painted.



  396.  #397Starla on July 9, 2012 at 8:31 am

    Thanks, FW. I don’t know why anyone is trying to twist my arm into taking a stance on the issue. I just wanted more information.



  397.  #398Starla on July 9, 2012 at 8:33 am

    Hey Tam, what kind of positive stuff would you like to hear?

    It’s finally raining in Colorado:)



  398.  #399Tam on July 9, 2012 at 8:34 am

    ..and now he tapped me on the yahoo msg and I could not answer, I pretended to be offline. He’s been on there since 4am. I feel overloaded with everything. My brain hurts. I am sorry I can’t answer.
    ((((me))) (((((MrU))))



  399.  #400Esteemed on July 9, 2012 at 8:34 am

    Starla,

    I wasn’t trying to twist your arm. I was trying to be helpful and respond to your question.

    I feel completely shut down. I don’t like dealing with immature attacks. I am not going to relate to you anymore on the blog.



  400.  #401Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 8:36 am

    “I don’t like dealing with immature attacks” huh? I feel incredibly curious.



  401.  #402Tam on July 9, 2012 at 8:40 am

    395 – thanks Starla….I feel glad that it’s raining in Colorado 🙂
    It’s raining here too but I do not feel glad about that as it has rained all summer…hehehe



  402.  #403Starla on July 9, 2012 at 8:41 am

    i’m going to hold you to that, Esteemed. I hope you’re serious!



  403.  #404Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 8:41 am

    Tam I believe I would shake you if I was close by. Each time you move away when someone makes an emotional bid for connection is reinforcing a brick wall, is my humble opinion.



  404.  #405Starla on July 9, 2012 at 8:50 am

    I noticed I have a habit of moving away when men try to make a connection. I feel so upset that they haven’t been connecting with me previously, that when they do reach out, I shut down.



  405.  #406Brandylion on July 9, 2012 at 8:50 am

    Daria,

    No, my boobs aren’t showing in the dress. Not only was the dress not cut like that, but I was meeting my ex-boyfriend’s Catholic family for the first time at his sister’s wedding. Boobage would have not have been appropriate.

    Can you see from the picture that they’re big, so big they dominate my torso and take up almost half the space between my shoulders and waist? Yep. There’s nothing I can do to hide that.

    I don’t tend to wear cleavage-showing clothes. I own very little clothing that I can’t wear to school, since that’s where I spend my time. Cleavage at school = NO.

    Honestly, I don’t want someone who is only interested in me because I have big boobs that are showing in my profile pictures. There is so much more to me than my boobs, and if they aren’t interested in the words I’ve written about myself then they’re not for me.



  406.  #407Starla on July 9, 2012 at 8:53 am

    Brandylion, I think you should have some fun with that awesome body it sounds like you have. Maybe you could do NO pics, or like one of you in a group where you look cute but fuzzy, and then when guys respond to your ad based on its content, you can bless them with some sexier pics. I would just get dolled up in something cute and take pics of myself with my cell phone camera.

    It’s just an idea. Do whatever you want, please:)



  407.  #408samy on July 9, 2012 at 8:55 am

    Hi Girls.

    My sister’s internet is not working and the only message she has written me in the last 5 hours is that ” I think Daria was right about me moving out.” I feel so helpless and I feel totally lost and crying. I thought these things only happened in movies. I cannot imagine its happening to my sister. She is now offline and I feel anxious to hear from her about her well-being.

    There is certainly no physical abuse here but I am certain its emotional abuse in the way of complete dismissal of her feelings and a change of attitude from before. Once rori comments, I will ask my sister to provide more information but I feel things are getting out of hand as time is flying.

    I feel this wrenched, tight feeling in my throat and chest. I feel powerless. I feel helpless and I don’t know what to do…what is the right thing to do…what kind of man this is..Im sitting alone here in Europe and praying..and so is my family back in India for my sister who is alone in the US with this man.



  408.  #409Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 9:03 am

    samy it seems that her isolation from family might be magnifying the situation. I feel a bit concerned that if she chooses to move out the man will not be in front of her so it makes it more difficult for things to change. That is just my opinion and hopefully you will hear from Rori soon. Also she might be concerned about being able to support herself so if that is her decision I would encourage her to look at state assistance for homeless women.

    However I would be concerned about sharing a panicked mindsit with her as it might increase her stress level.



  409.  #410samy on July 9, 2012 at 9:08 am

    feminine woman

    thanks for your support and concern.

    She is on a full scholarship for her phd and so sustenance is a not a problem.Only finding a new apartment etc would be the immediate issue for her. But you know 10 days into marriage…i think the expectations were just so different and that’s why its hurting so much…and the hopelessness of it is even more scary. I just wait to hear from her now on what’s happening.

    I don’t know what to say or do.I’ll just pray. she is doing rori’s tools..but he seems to be leaning back even more than her… rori please answer !!! 🙁



  410.  #411Brandylion on July 9, 2012 at 9:11 am

    I’m going to take out of my Match.com profile the fact that I teach physics and the fact that I went to Yale and see what that does.

    I’ll take out of my other profiles the fact the fact that I teach physics and see if I get more hits.

    I shouldn’t have to hide myself to attract someone, but if that’s what it takes to meet a man then that’s what I’ll do.



  411.  #412Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 9:23 am

    samy – It might take some time before things change only she can decide if the relationship is worth it.

    Outgirling:
    If your man demonstrates primarily Feminine energy in his life and your relationship, it will automatically compel you to step up into your Masculine Energy – in order to balance the Energy Exchange and to get things done. Outgirling is reversing that. It’s going “full-out Girl” inside the relationship. This can look like doing nothing, and may result in nothing happening at all in your relationship except sitting around like two girls. It’s the only way to right a seriously unbalanced Energy Exchange.

    Back To The Wall:
    Moving and Leaning Back as far as you can. Outgirling to the max. Whatever happens, you Leanback, Move Back, and stay in Girl energy
    Literally, in a room at a party, for instance, you would end up standing with your back to the wall and men around you, leaning toward you.



  412.  #413Starla on July 9, 2012 at 9:28 am

    Brandylion
    You could say you love physics and when you’re immersed in it you just feel ____________

    don’t hide yourself! just play it up like it’s the most romantic thing ever (it is!)

    i put an ad on craigslist once talking about how much i love politics and linguistics and death metal, written in really passionate language, and i got a bazillion replies! And I didn’t put a picture up! I met most of them and I still run into them to this day and am facebook friends with them and they all think I’m just great!



  413.  #414Starla on July 9, 2012 at 9:29 am

    I also never listed my profession, because it makes people think things about me without getting to know me. And I also couldn’t care less what anyone does for a living. I fall asleep when people ask me “what do you do?” and I never say “and you?” when I answer them.



  414.  #415Rori Raye on July 9, 2012 at 10:17 am

    Samy – Daria asked me to help your sister with her young marriage. Here’s the thing – there are cultural issues here that I do not know or understand, and so nearly anything I say is going to sound wrong. But, for me – a marriage where there is no sex is impossible. I don’t know if this man is weird and a problem – but I can certainly see that if your sister is not having sex with her husband, he’s going to go nuts, weird, upset and withdraw. If she’s trying to work something out with him about the family dynamics but not having sex – that’s never going to work. This requires either counseling or a quick end to the marriage. I honestly don’t know how anyone gets married without having sex first, but I realize this is a cultural thing I’m ignorant of, just as many arranged marriages actually DO work. A marriage that has not been consummated is simply annulled. Love, Rori



  415.  #416Brandylion on July 9, 2012 at 10:21 am

    I just occurred to me that PriestCD never once approached me for a frontal body hug, even when we were dating. He always tried to go for side hugs by angling his body slightly toward mine but mostly away and lifting the arm that was closest to put around my shoulders. We only ever had frontal hugs because that’s the way *I* moved into *him* once he made a move, or because that’s the way I approached him for a hug and to be held.



  416.  #417Brandylion on July 9, 2012 at 10:25 am

    He’d approach me face-on if he wanted to kiss me, though. And we didn’t do much standing-up kissing.

    In all the visits I had with him, he never greeted me with a kiss, whether it was me arriving at his place or him arriving at mine. I’d give him a hug when he first showed up at my place, but when I got to his place it would usually be at least 10-15 minutes or more before there was any physical contact.

    Why did I waste my time on this guy? My best friend keeps trying to tell me that the self-learning and growth I got out of that relationship is invaluable to me for the long-run of my life, but I don’t see it. All I get from opening myself up and sharing myself is rejection. That’s the way it’s always been.



  417.  #418Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 10:31 am

    Brandylion I see it as you learning about you, not a waste of time. Please reread your comments to see if you could identify where you were constantly leaning forward in the energy bubble with this man.



  418.  #419Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 10:33 am

    He might have just gotten used to the pattern so he learned that he did not need to make any effort? Or take things for granted?

    Operating in the different manner will show what he is capable of, or willing to do?



  419.  #420Brandylion on July 9, 2012 at 11:01 am

    Dammit, this man does not deserve the importance in my life of having been a catalyst for self-growth and change! He just doesn’t! Only someone to whom I was actually important too should get to be that, and I resent him for it.



  420.  #421Brandylion on July 9, 2012 at 11:12 am

    Linda, #370: “I hate to admit it but crumbs are better than nothing but is nothing I can settle for…

    I feel unhopeful.”

    I agree.



  421.  #422Sunshine on July 9, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    sometimes I feel inclined to share my feelings with a guy friend who i dated for a short time. i want to tell him how I feel and how bad I feel that he moved on and how being his friend feels ackward and sad, and that I feel really awful that he dates someone now. I want to tell him all of this but when I do I start to think of how pathetic I will sound, i also feel odd and strange and that I will be percieved as being strange. Does anyone here struggle with the feelings of feeling odd and strange, bazaar, weird when they share their feelings? Does anyone have any input on why I would feel this way when I am expressing my feelings?



  422.  #423Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    Lucydel,

    258. You make a lot of sense. And that is good, cause you’re not getting “attached” to men who don’t have what you want and need. So don’t even worry about it, that is GOOD!



  423.  #424Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    Daria,

    260 – It did feel very exhausting! But it’s a good exercise, I’ll make it a regular routine. Lol it’s not that bad



  424.  #425Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    Daria & Esteemed,

    (((Esteemed)))

    277 – I didn’t use that word (impossible). YOU did. I asked if leaning back meant that men always have to initiate contact, then you said yes but that it is “impossible” for you to do it, so I clarified and asked if you meant it was impossible for you to not initiate contact? And you said yeah. So I didn’t use the word. You did!



  425.  #426Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    Brandylion,

    281 – Thanks!! I’ll keep that in mind



  426.  #427Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    “Outgirling:
    If your man demonstrates primarily Feminine energy in his life and your relationship, it will automatically compel you to step up into your Masculine Energy – in order to balance the Energy Exchange and to get things done. Outgirling is reversing that. It’s going “full-out Girl” inside the relationship. This can look like doing nothing, and may result in nothing happening at all in your relationship except sitting around like two girls. It’s the only way to right a seriously unbalanced Energy Exchange”



  427.  #428Miss Bells on July 9, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    Help! I have been living with HS for 5 years, mostly as the “girlfriend”. He is 63, never married, only child, parents gone. I moved in after I was left destitute after my husband died a number of years ago. This is a high rent county, and living here has been a godsend. But– HS has never committed to anyone in his life. He drinks like a fish, is negative, and has withdrawn periodically for as long as we have been together. (He is also funny, intelligent, and very charming at times, but the drinking is a HUGE red flag for me.) Every time he has withdrawn, I have pulled way back and he has come after me.
    Last summer he started acting out with another woman and I left. I spent six miserable months in substandard housing. By October he was courting me again, and by Thanksgiving I was the weekend girlfriend.
    But when I moved back in, in January, he withdrew sexually again. I told him I had to be either the wife or the housemate, no casual girlfriend. So housemate it is. I am the queen of the whole house for $400 a month. We shop together, eat together, entertain and socialize as a couple. I drive his car. When he goes camping with the boys I run his business. Things have been peaceful.
    I also have been on all the dating sites, and started an over 50 singles meetup in the attempt to meet someone who is marriageable, but no sparks so far.
    Now for the trouble: He is spending time with a woman, the ex-girlfriend of our tenant, and hiding it from me. If we are just “housemates” why is he hiding it? He has never allowed her to come here while I am here, he never mentions her, and they speak only on his cell. I found out by accident. I know he saw her yesterday, but he was here alone at dinnertime when I got home.
    The truth is that this is killing me. I can’t stand it. But I haven’t said anything to him.
    I finally have my inheritance, so money is not as much of an issue. I could leave.
    I can either stay here and ignore, lean back, and continue to fix up MY home here. But I don’t know if I can keep my emotions in check.
    Or–I could move someplace out of the area. San Francisco is far enough, or Portland. Just chalk this up as an imaginary relationship, even if it looked very real at times. I really do want to get married again, and spend my golden years in my happily ever after. I am not at all sure that I would marry him if he got over his commitment issue. And living with him is destroying my chances of attracting another suitor on an energetic level.
    We are having our annual summer bash at the end of the month. I am waiting till then to decide.
    For now I am deeply disappointed, confused, and uncertain.



  428.  #429Esteemed on July 9, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    Jasmine,

    424 – Oh yeah, now I remember…again, I was half asleep and braindead, LOL! But my wording was…

    …it FEELS impossible.

    Let’s just put it this way, I have a very strong track record of initiating contact with R!



  429.  #430Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    Esteemed,

    It is ok lol. But I have a question… who initiates most of the contact? You or R?



  430.  #431Miss Bells on July 9, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    If I prepare to leave I was thinking of saying “I don’t want an imaginary relationship, and I don’t want to play house. I want the real deal, and so far I haven’t found it here. Housemates doesn’t feel good to me with you, so I am going on my way…”



  431.  #432Dominique on July 9, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    Rebecca #180 – I am totally weird and totally unboxable. I don’t fit in anywhere, yet I can fit in most everywhere if I choose to.

    Maybe this part of the problem. not owning who you are which may be wacky and wonderful all at the same time. How about accepting and loving all of those parts and stop trying to make yourself into someone you are not.

    It’s okay, fabulous even, having diverse interests. Parts of you that don’t seem to belong together.

    Try to remain more open to everyone, even if there is no attraction at first (unless they scare you or repulse you). Try keeping yourself curious about them all, men and women.

    You only need to find that one person whose weirdness matches yours or at least appreciates it. Maybe you will find many.



  432.  #433Rori Raye on July 9, 2012 at 4:24 pm

    Hi all – just another reminder about focusing on speaking in Feeling Messages, rawness, vulnerability and poetry rather than description, advice, opinions and reporting on the blog- at least in words, as much as you can and are willing.

    I love how involved everyone is, and I’m enjoying monitoring moderation as much as I can, and welcoming everyone new posters and appreciating all of you amazing women.

    If anyone’s new here and not sure how this works, and how to best participate in and USE the community we have here – here are some guidelines (there’s a “page” on the blog with guidelines, too…):

    Since I’m the only “boy” on the blog, I get to suggest! – that if you’re not already posting this way (and almost all of you are, so…) if you’re not sure, simply start by STOPPING giving “opinions.”

    This blog is so different from everything else out there – it’s not Huffington Post, and I keep it as monitored as I can to make it as safe a place to express feelings as possible. And I also want it to be a great and safe laboratory for everyone to express themselves ONLY in Feeling Messages ALWAYS.

    That means “boy” energy opinions and advice aren’t helpful to any of us who’re practicing openness and vulnerability and “girlness.”

    If you feel compelled to give advice, here’s one way to try doing it differently: “If it were me…I’d feel good….” so you’re staying in Feeling Message format, not in masculine opinioning.

    The only exception I make to this rule (and obviously I can’t monitor everything all the time, so no way is this going to be “perfect”) is for professional coaches and therapists who want to come here and be “boys,” and professional and offer opinions, advice, and help. Dominique, Orna Walters, Greta Hassel, Virginia Clark are some of these coaches. Unless you’re a coach or therapist, and you’re new here – would you consider looking at all your comments, and seeing if you can “Translate” them into Feeling Messages?

    Also, if you’re new and just trying to catch up on my Tools by reading as much as you can here, you may not be all that familiar with my programs. So – I’d really encourage you to get the ebook. It’s very inexpensive, it’s the basis of all my other programs, and it would help you reframe your “voice” on the blog if you’re finding yourself stuck in masculine energy advice giving. It’s “Have The Relationship You Want” over in the right sidebar.

    If you’d like some help with “Riffing” – a major tool in use on the blog – long ago I established Daria as the “Queen of Riffing” (if anyone else would like a piece of that title so I can refer newbies to you, please let me know personally through my assistant Melanie@CoachRori.com) – and I know she’ll help you if you like, and direct you to the posts where you can learn how to do it.

    Looking forward to hearing more and more of your voice – as raw, vulnerable and safe as you’re willing to let it be.

    Love, Rori

    Rori Raye
    Have The Relationship You Want

    http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com

    http://blog.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com



  433.  #434Esteemed on July 9, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    Jasmine,

    429 – R initiates most contact. Early in our relationship, it was always him. He called me almost every evening, wanting to come over. Being that he is 15 years younger, at that time, I did not know he was romantically interested. He stated he wasn’t. He talked in 3rd person about women and his Soul Mate, encouraging me to talk about what I am looking for in a Soul Mate. He said he hopes to meet someone younger. Inotherwords, he led me to believe he was not romantically interested.

    But it became crystal clear, especially when he said in a moment of passion and kissing me, “It is such a miracle when two souls find each other in this huge world!”

    From that point on, all the anxiety overtook me, as Rori describes in her programs. I started contacting him out of insecurity. It did a lot to damage our relationship. The more he pulled away, the more I contacted him.

    I am finally at a point where I rarely contact him. But I still do…I just miss him sometimes.



  434.  #435Autumn on July 9, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    ((((((Samy))))))

    I am sure your sister is ok for now. Is there anyway you can go and stay with her for a little while (esp if she moves out) until she decides what she wants to do? I think someone said that the distance from the family is compounding the stress everyone feels. Remember she is a capable, intelligent woman.



  435.  #436Rori Raye on July 9, 2012 at 4:34 pm

    Gingerbell – I LOVED this! (Well, maybe not HIM so much, but the material and his book, yes….) What about it is news to you – and I can write about it in a post if it’s something everyone would like to talk about…Love, Rori



  436.  #437Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 4:45 pm

    What is “Riffing”? I feel so unclear.



  437.  #438Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    I feel attacked. I feel like I don’t know. Now I don’t even want to talk.



  438.  #439Esteemed on July 9, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    Jasmine,

    I wonder why you feel attacked?



  439.  #440Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    Esteemed,

    Because I don’t know how to speak in feeling messages and I’ve been doing “boy” energy opinions



  440.  #441Esteemed on July 9, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    Jasmine,

    I really enjoy having you on the blog. It all depends on perspective…I am more than twice your age and am only learning this stuff now. You are getting an early start, and I guarantee you, this stuff Rori teaches is lifechanging and has impacted ALL my relationships. It is well worth learning.

    For starters, you can practice starting sentences like this:

    I feel happy that…
    I feel sad that…
    I wonder why….
    I feel curious…why does…
    I feel angry…
    I feel frustrated….

    The general way feeling messages are constructed is based in “Non Violent Communication”, and they look like this:

    I feel sad. I don’t like to be yelled at. What do you think?
    I feel angry to hear that. I don’t want to be someone’s punching bag. What do you think?

    That is the basics. When you are able to afford some of Rori’s programs, I highly recommend them. Daria has probably been on the blog the longest, and she speaks in almost pure feeling messages. You could model your wording from her style, if you would like.



  441.  #442Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 5:08 pm

    Thank you Esteemed!

    I will work on that.



  442.  #443Esteemed on July 9, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    You’re welcome! The way I started was to write what came by second nature. Then I would study my wording, the attitudes behind my wording, and try to rewrite what I had written by reproducing that pattern:

    I feel….I want/don’t want/like/don’t like….what do you think?

    At first it felt really cumbersome and impossible, and then it started to feel really good, because I felt myself connecting with people in really healthy ways!



  443.  #444Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 5:16 pm

    Esteemed,

    But what if it’s not about something I feel but just something I want to tell you, because we’re not always talking about ourselves… like if I’m giving an advice, I’m outside of the situation, how would I express that in feeling messages? I can’t identify when I’m using “boy” energy.



  444.  #445Esteemed on July 9, 2012 at 5:31 pm

    I know a lot of us give advice on here, but technically, we’re not supposed to. It is like Rori said, above:

    “If you feel compelled to give advice, here’s one way to try doing it differently: “If it were me…I’d feel good….” so you’re staying in Feeling Message format, not in masculine opinioning.”

    Here is what that would look like:

    If it were me, I would give advice by saying if it were me, I would not initiate contact with R ever.

    Or…

    I’d feel good to not initiate contact with R by occupying my energy and concentration on journaling, exercising, and calling my girlfriends. What do you think/feel?

    (I usually add “feel” after “think” when I am addressing girls, because we are more feeling creatures, while men are more thinking creatures.)



  445.  #446Autumn on July 9, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    Jasmine

    I am in the same boat as you 🙂 So much to learn.



  446.  #447Esteemed on July 9, 2012 at 5:36 pm

    Autumn and Jasmine,

    I make feeling messages fun by just experimenting, both on the blog and in my every day life. I would try to keep any feelings of pressure out of it…I would keep it fun by just being playful, or even experiment with expressing anger, or those “dark” feelings that society teaches us are “wrong” to express.



  447.  #448Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 5:36 pm

    Yeah Autumn, apparently!



  448.  #449Autumn on July 9, 2012 at 5:51 pm

    Esteemed and Jasmine

    I feel a bit overwhelmed trying to catchup with everything everyone posts; though i learn a lot simply by reading the posts. Its also very time consuming. Still i am determined to keep reading and learning. I feel like such a boy. I am tired of being masculine, i want to be all girl!



  449.  #450Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 5:55 pm

    Yeah Autumn,

    It’s really hard to keep up on here. I just try to read as much as I can, if I can.



  450.  #451Miss Bells on July 9, 2012 at 7:44 pm

    I am feeling sooo depressed. I don’t want to move but I can’t stand it here.



  451.  #452Emoticon on July 9, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    ((((( Miss Bells))))



  452.  #453Miss Bells on July 9, 2012 at 8:24 pm

    I know he’s calling this woman every day, goddess knows what else. But leaving is SO disruptive.
    How do you know when to leave and when to stay and use tools? What tools to use?



  453.  #454Autumn on July 9, 2012 at 8:55 pm

    (((Miss Bells)))



  454.  #455Esteemed on July 9, 2012 at 9:06 pm

    Miss Bells,

    If I were in your position, I would consider my emotional wellbeing as far more important than my financial wellbeing. From where i sit, it looks like slow suicide to stay there. If he wanted to be your one and only, he would be. It looks like you are torturing yourself by staying there.



  455.  #456Miss Bells on July 9, 2012 at 9:17 pm

    That is the feeling I am getting as well.
    The party at the end of July is happening no matter what. I was planning a trip to Seattle for writer’s camp two days later. Perhaps I will arrange to not come back.
    Tomorrow he is going sailing and I know he asked this woman to go. So I facebooked my dancing friend and asked him to take me. Then I will get home really late. I just need to be gone without a word for awhile.
    I told the story in posts 428 and 431.



  456.  #457Miss Bells on July 9, 2012 at 11:37 pm

    I understand about the thing of putting the emotional first but there is a point when the money matters. When I left before I got physically sick from living in bad places. If I don’t live here where the quality of life is good on a material level, I will be one step above homeless, as I was before. Also, every time this disruptive sh** happens, and I actually leave,I loose some of the few things I still have.
    Also, I love to cook, and finding a share I can afford where I can have all my tools and equipment will take some doing. I’m not saying it can’t be done, just that I can’t go off have cocked. It just damages me.
    I am trying to make him very small in my eyes, like a cartoon.
    His self esteem is not good,and this woman is neither pretty or smart. I am both. He likes to be with women he feels superior to. When I was actually broke he could bully me. Now it is pretty clear that he thinks I outclass him intellectually, though I don’t try to. It is just what I am.
    If I can just make him smaller and smaller…



  457.  #458Esteemed on July 10, 2012 at 1:18 am

    Miss Bells,

    But you said you got some money to work with now, right?

    I saw a documentary about homeless women, who had left domestic violence situations. Even tho they were literally living on the streets, they said they would do it all over again if it got them their freedom as they had now, from all the abuse.

    I understand, yours is not an abusive situation. But if I were you, it would eat me alive seeing the man I love with another woman.

    FYI, there is a newer thread…



  458.  #459Femininewoman on July 10, 2012 at 4:49 am

    Ms. Bells sorry you are hurting. I don’t see in ypour comments a suggestion that you were in an eexclusive relationship with him. He might have always thot that oine day you wld move outt



  459.  #460Dominique on July 10, 2012 at 5:30 am

    Miss Bell – I remember you from before. I understand your dilemma. Your idea to put him emotionally in a smaller and smaller place in your mind and heart is a great one. Is there a way you can have a section of the house to yourself? Where you would have little if any interaction with him at all? And from there you can work on those places inside which still hurt and need healing which may take some time though you seem well o your way.

    In essence you would simply be a renter. That way you can keep your standard of living AND have a life apart from him.

    xxoo



  460.  #461Esteemed on July 10, 2012 at 6:32 am

    Dominique,

    I think that is a good solution/compromise…as long as she can stand seeing him go on dates with another woman.



  461.  #462Goldenflower on July 10, 2012 at 7:27 am

    433: Rori Raye says:
    Hi all – just another reminder about focusing on speaking in Feeling Messages, rawness, vulnerability and poetry rather than description, advice, opinions and reporting on the blog- at least in words, as much as you can and are willing.

    I love how involved everyone is, and I’m enjoying monitoring moderation as much as I can, and welcoming everyone new posters and appreciating all of you amazing women.

    If anyone’s new here and not sure how this works, and how to best participate in and USE the community we have here – here are some guidelines (there’s a “page” on the blog with guidelines, too…):

    Since I’m the only “boy” on the blog, I get to suggest! – that if you’re not already posting this way (and almost all of you are, so…) if you’re not sure, simply start by STOPPING giving “opinions.”

    This blog is so different from everything else out there – it’s not Huffington Post, and I keep it as monitored as I can to make it as safe a place to express feelings as possible. And I also want it to be a great and safe laboratory for everyone to express themselves ONLY in Feeling Messages ALWAYS.

    That means “boy” energy opinions and advice aren’t helpful to any of us who’re practicing openness and vulnerability and “girlness.”

    If you feel compelled to give advice, here’s one way to try doing it differently: “If it were me…I’d feel good….” so you’re staying in Feeling Message format, not in masculine opinioning.

    Oh dear, I feel like I have been expressing myself in a very opinion driven way. It feels like an alien language to me at the moment to just feel my way through things. I feel strongly about sharing my perception with other sirens if it seems that it may give someone else another way of seeing things. Isnt that what everyone is doing here. by connecting with other sirens. I dont personally want to just post here to myself. I welcome any sirens insight into what I have said and my own experience. I guess i did “report” my saturday night which was a big thing to me as I felt I had moved on. So perhaps this is why it was taken down, i would have to look at it again. Unfortunatly i dont have a copy of it at all, or i would try and re-write it in feeling speak. If there is any way I can be emailed the post by a moderator I wd be grateful. I feel upset and tearful that I have not understood how to use feminine energy language. i feel like I am in the wrong, i feel sad and like I am a failed girl. i feel like all i have to be strong with and to be heard is my language. I feel so scared if I start to say how i feel it will never stop, i feel scared i will not resolve anything if i just feel. I feel like i need my rational mind to make sense of my feelings to be able to function in the world and I dont know how to not have an opinion about something. I feel honour bound to share my wisdom if i feel it would perhaps help someone. Even if it would not help someone I feel like I must say what i think/feel about her situation or question when i see it may be of use. I feel that this community can help support women to empower themselves. I feel sad that I am feeling like an outsider. i know this is from my past experiences too, that i have an outsider default. I feel unwelcome. I feel sad. I will try , I feel like advice is always a tricky subject because women give advice to each other daily and as a way to connect. Whether to take the advice is always personal choice. I dont understand what a feeling is compared with an experience. I feel confused.



  462.  #463Esteemed on July 10, 2012 at 8:29 am

    Goldenflower,

    You are welcome here. And I am sure Rori welcomes you, too.



  463.  #464Miss Bells on July 10, 2012 at 9:07 am

    @459- Femininewoman: we WERE exclusive. But–after discovering Rori and coming to the realization that he is NOT making a commitment to me, I began to keep my options open. He knows this, and knows why. He should realize I could leave (again).
    @460–Dominique: Yes-I have my own bedroom. And the rest of the house is large. What I could do is stop sitting in the living room in the evening,and stop shopping with and cooking for both of us. I do it because I love to cook, but it is actually a bad deal for me. I pay half, do the work, (even if I love it) and he eats twice what I do. I could also go out with others even more than I do. If I tweak a few things HE will be the one wondering what I am up too, and trying to get MY attention.
    From a money standpoint, it would serve me to stay until the 6 way transfer of my father’s estate is complete. I would know more what I have and what I want in 6 months.
    I wrote to a friend of ours in Australia, a man who has known him since high school. He has good insights and says if I am up for roughing it the open info is still open.
    He is acting like he does when he is guilty. Last night he didn’t even say goodnight. And he left this morning (to go sailing with this woman) without saying anything. This is very rude by the standards we live by in this house–BUT he KNOWS he is not acting right. I am deciding whether to leave for two days while he is gone,without leaving a note,or to invite MY friends over for an impromptu dinner party, and not allow him space to sit if he shows up in the middle.
    And @461–Esteemed: It does cause me grief. It drives me crazy. BUT-he doesn’t know for sure that I know. So I have a certain amount of control over what I say and do. I am not willing to disrupt my life for him. But I may very well spend the fall into winter in Australia.



  464.  #465Dominique on July 10, 2012 at 10:40 am

    Goldenflower – First of all there is no moderator. Any banned words are programmed to be caught before posting. If one of your posts disappeared, it’s a coincidence, a computer glitch.

    Secondly, this IS about sharing your experiences, but where it gets slippery slopey is when people start telling others what to do instead of suggesting or saying what they would do if they were in the given situation.

    As much as you can, it is suggested to find what it is your feel and express this in feeling statements.

    RR’s letter was not a reprimand but a reminder to stay with your feminine energy and avoid the masculine energy.

    xxoo



  465.  #466Miss Bells on July 10, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    Thanks for all the help. Now I am wondering just one thing. Do I say anything,and if so, what?



  466.  #467Pedal Dancer on July 10, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    This is not a relationship question, but a procedure question. I purchased “Love Scripts”, but now can’t find how to access it. Help! …and Thanks!



  467.  #468goldenflower on July 10, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    465: Dominique says:
    Goldenflower – First of all there is no moderator. Any banned words are programmed to be caught before posting. If one of your posts disappeared, it’s a coincidence, a computer glitch.

    Secondly, this IS about sharing your experiences, but where it gets slippery slopey is when people start telling others what to do instead of suggesting or saying what they would do if they were in the given situation.

    As much as you can, it is suggested to find what it is your feel and express this in feeling statements.

    RR’s letter was not a reprimand but a reminder to stay with your feminine energy and avoid the masculine energy.

    Thanks Dominique I appreciate you explaining this. Yes I can see the difference. I knew it was not a reprimand but I got totally triggered by the idea that I had been too opinionated with other people. and even more alarmed that I am stuck in male energy. I am scared I am stuck in male thinking and language patterns and am scared I cant easily get out of it. Also sad i had lost an important post to me, about getting over a toxic man that i posted last night.

    Not being able to speak and be understood is one of the most scary fears i have. I didnt realise this until now. I feel it is due to being silenced a lot as a child. When i expressed emotion it was not heard or understood , and i have a trauma memory of my father screaming “speak english” into my face when i was sobbing and hysterical after he had hit me. Hmmm.

    I am sorry if my earlier post caused any offence. I was just expressing the feelings of unwelcomeness that came up for me.
    Thankyou esteemed. I do feel welcome usually, reading the post just brought up paranoia and those feelings of having misunderstood the purpose of the blog, feelings of inadequacy i guess. I hope I can continue to evolve my language to fit my feelings and vice versa, I know i will keep trying to merge this. I feel heavy brained today with PMT, this always affects my clarity levels. I get more fuzzy headed, i feel silly and emotional and it is Ok to feel this isnt it. I feel girly and a bit blank.



  468.  #469Dominique on July 10, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    Miss Bells – No need to explain yourself. You take care of you in the best way possible, no explanations necessary.

    xxoo



  469.  #470Rori Raye on July 10, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    Pedal Dancer – please email support@havetherelationshipyouwant.com – they’ll help you right away! Love, Rori



  470.  #471Sweetpea on July 10, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    Hey everyone!

    Just popping in to say “hi!”

    I’m feeling excited about seeing some new faces here and happy to see familiar names and faces. Looking forward to catching up.

    xoxox!



  471.  #472Esteemed on July 10, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    Hi Sweetpea!



  472.  #473Esteemed on July 10, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    Goldenflower,

    469 – I feel curious…what is PMT?

    Parent Management Training?
    Project Mutual Telephone ?
    PMT Payment
    PMT Pre Medical Test
    PMT Permit
    PMT Photomultiplier Tube
    PMT Plan à Moyen Terme
    PMT Pre-Menstrual Tension (UK Variation of PMS)
    PMT Program Map Table
    PMT Project Management Team
    PMT Pre Menstrual Tension
    PMT Parent Management Training
    PMT Program Management Team
    PMT Project Management Training
    PMT Pacemaker-Mediated Tachycardia
    PMT Protection Motivation Theory
    PMT Photo Mechanical Transfer
    PMT Pyramidal Memories Transmutation
    PMT Policía Municipal de Tránsito (Guatemalan special police)
    PMT Portsmouth Marine Terminal
    PMT Police Mentor Team
    PMT percutaneous mechanical thrombectomy
    PMT Pune Municipal Transport (Pune, India)
    PMT Programa de Modernización Tecnológica
    PMT Preventive Medicine Technician
    PMT Pre-Match Tension (sports)
    PMT Potteries Motor Traction (UK bus company)
    PMT Passenger – Miles Traveled
    PMT Pole Mounted Transformer
    PMT Performance Management Team
    PMT Process Management Team
    PMT Performance Monitoring Team
    PMT Pre-Millennium Tension
    PMT Page Map Table
    PMT Preparatory Military Training
    PMT Pioneer Memorial Theatre (Utah)
    PMT Princeton Microwave Technology, Inc.
    PMT Pearl Milk Tea
    PMT Philippine Military Training
    PMT Permanent Mounted Transducer
    PMT Pinnacle Management & Trust Company
    PMT Partition Management Tool
    PMT Preemptive Multi-Tasking
    PMT Practical Military Training
    PMT Pastoral Ministry Team
    PMT Production Monitoring Test
    PMT Public Mass Transit (various locations)
    PMT Product Maturity Test
    PMT Physical Map Table
    PMT Post-Millennium Tension
    PMT Pre-Mission Test
    PMT Production Management Trainer
    PMT Preliminary Marksmanship Training
    PMT Personnel Mobilization Team (US Naval Reserve; aka PERSMOBTEAM)
    PMT Programmed Management System for Telecommunications
    PMT Passive Movement Test (physical therapy)
    PMT Process Maturity Test
    PMT Postmobilization Training
    PMT Portable Maintenance Tool
    PMT Pilot Management Team
    PMT Profiler Maintenance Terminal
    PMT Post Marital Tension
    PMT Prince Music Theater (Philadelphia, PA)

    Hehehe, just givin’ you a hard time! 😆



  473.  #474Autumn on July 10, 2012 at 8:57 pm

    Sirens

    Is there a Rori post on Money? and how to go from masculine energy to feminine energy with money issues? I always feel like i have to pay all or half of dinners. Money triggers me and makes me feel very uncomfortable. Because of the way i was raised (quite poor, and lacking a lot of things) i feel that i want to be independent and not reliant on men to pay for things or for my way. But i can see how in the past this has hindered things for me.

    I have also noticed that i always attract stingy men. I want a man who will make more of an effort to pay for things. Am i being selfish for wanting this? is this ok? It is not a matter of not being able to afford things, because i can. But i want to stop the process of excess and expensive gift giving and paying and instead learn to accept and let men pay for things.

    Can someone suggest some help and guidance please?



  474.  #475ruth on July 11, 2012 at 10:23 am

    Hi,Im new.I feel very confused about all of this too
    I just wanted to say thank you to Jasmine and Goldenflower for what they said I have also been struggling with similar issues about expressing myself



  475.  #476missluckylady on July 11, 2012 at 11:42 am

    Dear Rori,
    How do I tell a man that I’ve been dating for 9 months now ( since November) that I’m thinking of continuing to date other men & want to keep my options open until I find the type of committed relationship that I want…when we’ve been more or less dating “exclusively” ..but without ever talking about it? It just sort of happened- I was dating someone else at first, but he pursued me hard and has been truly amazing in every way…except that he still introduces me as a “friend” despite the fact that he makes plans to see all the time for months and months? Yet, he has never brought up the topic about “us” and where he sees things going- so I’ve just been patiently waiting and waiting to see what happens and trying to not put on any presssure so he doesn’t think I’m chasing him, but now- I’m starting to feel like I’m in a comfortable “holding pattern” & that he’s not going to ever move things forward. So what do I do? It’s very hard because I really feel we have a deep special connection that I’ve never felt before, and he has expressed early on that he cares a lot about me and feels the same special conneciton. Overall, he’s been very attentive, kind, supportive, calls/ texts me all the time, and makes all the plans. Except for recently…he sort of hestitated about the idea of meeting my father, even though he’s introduced to me to his mother & most of his family & he’s already met my mother & sisters. Although, I keep pretty busy and sometimes make other plans to not see him, most of the time, he’s making plans for us each weekend. Except for this Saturday- he said he was going to hang out with this couple that he’s friends with (which I’ve met before) and said that he sort of wanted to go by himsel, if that was okay?? It sort of caught me off guard because he always invites me almost everywhere, but I almost immedidately said it was fine because I actually had my own plans for Saturday with my GF who is visiting for a night out on the town (which is true- I was going to tell him about it, but he surprised me first). I didn’t even ask him any questions- I just acted like it was fine and thst I was unconcerned, but looking back…I’m starting to have doubts.

    I don’t know what to do at this point- I really like him and feel my emotions and feelings are wrapped up, and so I’m very terrified of the idea that I might have to be the one to bring up the topic of where things are going and afraid of thinking about having to dating others again, much less telling him that I plan to continue dating others until I find the type of commitment/ relationship I”m looking for. But if I have to– I guess I need help in how to frame this and when I should bring it up because I feel this “holding pattern” has been going on for much too long now. Below is the script I came up with based on some of tools I learned from your book & blueprint. Thanks!!!

    Here’s my Script:

    KEY MESSAGE: I feel we have a special and deep connection and I’ve been really happy spending time with you these past 9 months.

    KEY MESSAGE: But AFTER all these wonderful months together, I feel like I’m only introduced as just a friend to everyone you know, and it just doesn’t make ME FEEL GOOD inside.

    KEY MESSAGE: PLUS- I get the sense that you’re not interested in Getting to know & spend time with the rest my family, and that also doesn’t make me feel too good.

    KEY MESSAGE: And it really doesn’t feel good that I feel like I’m the one that has to bring up this topic about “US” and where things are at, because it makes me feel like I’m the one who has to initiate, and I don’t feel like that is something that I should need to do as a Woman.

    KEY MESSAGE: I know it may seem like minor things, but for me, when I put all 3 of these things together, it really makes me feel confused and unsure about how you feel for me.

    KEY MESSAGE: I’d appreciate some clarity from you about how you feel and what it is that you want.

    KEY: I DO NOT WANT be any man’s little “girlfriend for the moment”, friends w/ benefits, or much less, anybody’s little play thing.

    KEY: I WANT: What I want is a real committed relationship- a great man whose gonna make me his Woman, his companion, & his everything- someone that I can trust my heart with and build a real future with. At this point, I’m starting to think about whether I should continue to date other men & just keep all my options open. What do you think?



  476.  #477Rori Raye on July 11, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    Welcome, ruth – keep reading everything here, and I’m so glad you’ve already connected with Jasmine and Goldenflower! Love, Rori



  477.  #478Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    Welcome Ruth!!

    It is ok to feel confused, I have been a lot!! I’m just learning 🙂

    I had written this on the wrong blog… lol



  478.  #479Lola on July 18, 2012 at 1:17 am

    Dear Rori,

    First of all, thank you for all your wonderful advice and inspirational messages. ?They are so helpful and very much appreciated. They have helped me tremendously to wake up and take control of my love life after a recent break up. Not only did things turn around for me with my ex, but I managed to attract a wonderful new man. Now I have a pick of who to be with, which feels great. I am dating both, however I am enjoying time with my new man a whole lot more because the ex dating is long distance and i feel drained by it a little this time round.

    I have a dilemma however and I would hugely appreciate your guidance. I really like my new man, we met pretty soon after my break up, one and a half months and i have felt very overwhelmed by how lovely he is and how much i like him. i have been trying my new skills of stepping back and allowinghim to do things for me, whilst trying to keep my heart open to him. However i do not feel i am doing this very well and i cannot seem to relax and be myself around him all the time as i start to feel nervous thinking about how much i like him. i feel like i may be acting a little too cool whilst he has been open with me. i feel it is time to open up to him and let him know about my reservations due to my fear and about the recent breakup. recently after i spent the night at his after our date, we slept on the same bed, cuddled, kissed but no sex as i requested it and he agreed, but then our texts felt strange, so i texted asking him if he felt ok because i felt something different and is there something i should know. so he called me that day and we talked and he admitted he was feeling distant and was withdrawing because he felt unsure. he said he felt he needed time as he’s recently had an op on his shoulder and i was the first person to see his scar and he was starting back at work too soon and he needed time for himself. i felt gutted but i felt that too, he needed time. i feel he likes me too and i dont want to now blow it. we agreeedt o leave it 2 weeks and then see how we feel. i was thinking i need to call him to either arrange to meet casually or chat on the phone and open up to him to allow him to feel me a little more as i feel like he is feeling vulnerable because i haven’t shared enough of myself through fear. What do you think rori? how should i proceed to connect with his heart and bring him back? i feeel a lot for this man and would like to see if we can take things deeper. i would really like to give the chance for something deeper to develop between us and i know i am in control of this and it is possible and i would so very much appreciate some guidance please. do you think i should wait for the 2 weeks to be up or contact him before? i dont really want to wait as i miss him and want resolution but is this what he needs from me, will it drive him away? thank you rori!



  479.  #480Rori Raye on July 18, 2012 at 1:26 am

    Lola – you’re not going to like this: You’re making up all kinds of stuff, when the obvious thing is that he’s lost some interest, rethought things, and backed off. He actually said he was unsure, and he took a break. You CANNOT call him without seeming needy and clingy – and that’s going to make everything worse.

    Sleeping with a man without sex is often worse for the potential of the relationship than actually having sex with him. It’s all about your vibe – and how important you make things. Sometimes the timing of sex can throw things off…but here, I just think sex had no impact at all – it’s not that you were acting cool – it’s what he could feel from you UNDERNEATH the coolness. Love, Rori



  480.  #481Lola on July 18, 2012 at 1:56 am

    Oh dear, is sounds worse than i though. do you think i’ve blown it and should forget about things and move on? he did ask me to email him my blog which i earlier talked about with him and i felt confused as to why he was interested in that when he had lost interest in me?
    i feel you are right, i felt insecure and shy underneath my coolness and so he lost interest. i dont blame him, i would probably do the same if i was a man.
    do you think there is any hope in reconnecting with him and bringing this back fro the dead or shall i just learn my lessons and move on as painful as it might be? thanks rori, no matter how hard the truth i appreciate your directness.



  481.  #482Lola on July 18, 2012 at 1:58 am

    Any advise on how i can reconnect with him would be a huge help too rori. clearly i am not seeing things well enough and may be stuck in my own emotional state 🙁
    i feel disheartened after all the work ive done on myself i blow it with the first lovely man to come along.
    i have most of your programmes, am i missing something?



  482.  #483Venusian on July 25, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    Hi Rori,

    What to do when you are in Catch22? When you feel like you should initiate but you don’t feel like you should? And your spouse tells you that he feels cold from his wife and does not want to initiate either. I feel like I should take action to save our marriage out of fear but at the same time I’m confused if its really my fixing and I should rather ignore.
    Your awesome programs are opening my eyes but causing changes my hubby does not like and he feels like we are growing appart…please advise