He’s Not My Business

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maskHalloween has always been one of my favorite – perhaps my actual favorite – holidays.  I just find it such a combination of fun, scary, pretend, meaningful, going outside your comfort zone, parties that don’t have family significance, neighborhood, childhood, being a mom with a flashlight, candy I can’t eat but can collect and touch, carnivals, dress up, touching my inner “stranger.”

This is one of my traditional Halloween essays…let’s make this Halloween about taking off the masks…

Some days, it’s always Halloween.

It seems so much easier to stay hidden behind a mask. If I’m feeling grumpy, or ugly, or awkward or nervous, or really, really angry, or really, really embarrassed, I’d like to keep it to myself.

No one wants to see that, not even me. I’m much too strong for that, much too organized, smart, capable and high on the consciousness scale to go there, into Ickyfeelingsland. I’ll keep it to myself.

And the playing pieces — the red and blue wooden ones and the plastic houses and fake money all just keeping jumping around inside me in their own little world. Little do I know you can all see the action anyway.

If I’m angry, you can see it. If I’m upset, you can feel it. If I put a big smile on my face but you can actually feel my anger, yeah, you may think I’m a wondrously complex human being — but our relationship will suffer.

Carol Pearson, in her book The Hero Within, says “Being ladylike or gentlemanly and denying one’s anger simply results in the unconscious sabotage of relationships. Expressing one’s anger is transformative because it allows for a true and open, honest relationship. It makes way, therefore, for love.”

We have so many reasons for not expressing our feelings openly and in the moment: It’s not appropriate. I’m wrong about it. What I’m feeling is so childish. I’ve done much too much work on myself to be feeling like this. They all boil down to fear.

Fear of retribution — He’ll get mad at me. Fear of what will happen — He’ll leave me. Fear of what he’ll think of us — He already thinks I’m a drama queen, now he’ll think I’m needy.

Yep, we don’t know what’ll happen. The risks, however, of speaking our feelings in bits and pieces and in words men can hear are minuscule compared to the risks of not speaking our feelings.

When we stuff them in, hold them down, try to refashion them through affirmations or being “our best selves,” we may think we’re being successful at it, but sooner or later one or all of three things will happen:

One, the pressure and energy will build up until it explodes and you come out swinging, screaming, crying, attacking, throwing things, slamming doors, pleading, apologizing, cowering, melting down, folding up, giving up and giving in. A relationship in which this goes on all the time is not fun for anybody in it.

Two, the pressure and energy will be ignored and allowed to build up until it explodes inside you and you get depressed or sick. A relationship in which this happens may seem safe, because everyone here avoids real connection and real love, but it doesn’t feel very good.

Three, you are able to hold in, cover up, and transform the pressure and energy until you become locked into a personality and state of being that is not your own. Everything may seem okay here until you get a glimpse that you’re living someone else’s life – and the way back to yourself seems overwhelming.

In Rori Raye terms, Saying how you feel in the moment is taking care of yourself and your relationships in the best way possible. Every time you say only “I feel disconnected,” or “I feel sad,” or “I feel soooo goood!” and then let your man come up with the next sentence, you are creating alchemy. Magic happens inside your body. The energy that’s been built up trying to keep the feeling hidden suddenly is released.

Both the feeling and the energy fighting it suddenly start flowing thorough you and become a part of you. It’s like reclaiming lost energy. Like reclaiming lost bits of ourselves. Like turning hay into gold.

The more we reclaim, the more we change and grow. We become new people – chemically. Our relationships are the culture, the medium in which we can grow ourselves. Staying frozen in the patterns of behavior we’ve known since childhood, even if our thinking and philosophies have changed and expanded, is still staying frozen.

Devoting our lives to constantly tracking, guessing, analyzing, measuring, trying to change what’s going on in our men’s minds, hearts and bodies is a sad waste of our considerable, wonderful energies. Making him our project is us dismissing who we are — as if who we are is helplessly linked to who he is.

How much more fun and satisfying it would be to like what we like and just simply not like what we don’t like. To love ourselves for who we are — even if we’re not quite sure at any given moment who that is — Halloween mask and all.

It takes courage to risk what we know to have what we don’t know. It takes faith to risk what we’re comfortable with to have what we yearn for. It takes a new belief to trust the person in front of you with your heart, little by little, until you both see that both of you are worthy.

Stand up for yourself. Be for yourself. Be for love. Receive love. Accept or reject what is in front of you. Tolerate nothing.

Love, Rori

129 Comments

  1.  #1la la land on October 30, 2009 at 6:41 am

    wow wow and wow
    thank you



  2.  #2Aminata on October 30, 2009 at 7:27 am

    Thanks for posting this Rori.

    I have been testing out accepting what I like and rejecting what I don’t like with the men in my life. Needless to say, they are not pleased with this “new me.” But they love me even more for it.

    Before, I was really scared to share my feelings. I felt like I would be punished or ignored if I did. But I was punishing myself by holding onto the heavy feelings, and people lost interest in me because I was holding back. A lot. And I was thinking too hard about what my guy was thinking, what he was going to do and how things would go in the future. As if I have any control over that!

    But now I am expressing how I feel and I don’t care what other people (especially men) think about it. It’s hard though. I expressed my frustration and feelings that I had been disrespected to the guy I care for the most. I told him I needed a lot of time to myself. At first I was scared he would hate me but I can’t worry about that.

    I’m taking care of myself now. I have even been vulnerable with men I just meet and they turn into instant Knights in Shining Armor, even in the smallest situations. And they don’t expect anything back but thanks. And it feels good to see that and know I don’t have to give myself completely over to a man to get them to take care of me. I just have to show my true self. It feels weird being a guy magnet. But I am learning to be comfortable with that too. It scared me a lot in the past (because of a violent happenstance), but now I see it as a compliment and I know how to maintain my boundaries.

    Holding back feelings made me feel:
    grumpy
    like an old miser
    contrary
    resentful
    bitchy
    bossy
    cold hearted
    confused
    cloudy

    Sharing my feelings makes me feel:
    light
    free
    spontaneous
    clear
    in the moment
    sincere
    funny
    mischievous

    Even though I am still releasing things now, I can feel a good change, like I am getting stronger. It’s true, people can see your feelings even if you are hiding them. Might as well talk to others about it to make yourself feel better.

    I look forward to hearing about all your journeys ladies (and men!) Posting here is really helping the healing process. Thank you all.



  3.  #3alias girl on October 30, 2009 at 7:52 am

    thank you rori. i feel safe and protected reading this for some reason. i feel hopeful and assured. thank you.



  4.  #4alias girl on October 30, 2009 at 8:24 am

    ooooohhhhhhkkkkkeeeeeeee. big splatter on the ex. yes i leaned forward and called him at 8 o’clock in the morning to raise my voice and tell him i am done with this fake bs imaginary relationship and to STOP CONTACTING ME from now til eternity.

    wha?

    is that not the rori raye way. i feel DONE DONE DONE WITH THAT MAN. i am done. i deserve someone who cares about me. actively cares about me and expresses that verbally and with his actions. i deserve MORE THAN NOTHING.

    HOW DARE YOU. go away. be gone. get out of my lifem oh wait, you already were. now get off my horse. GET OFF MY HORSE! why is this man still on my horse. why. i feel furious. get off MY HORSE. GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGGOGOGO AWAY. FOREVER PLEASE NOW THANK YOU.



  5.  #5tinque on October 30, 2009 at 8:45 am

    “It takes courage to risk what we know to have what we don’t know. It takes faith to risk what we’re comfortable with to have what we yearn for. It takes a new belief to trust the person in front of you with your heart, little by little, until you both see that both of you are worthy.”

    Oh yes and yes again. It can be a challenge, yet it’s SO worth it.

    xxoo



  6.  #6Mary Ann on October 30, 2009 at 9:25 am

    Lovely post Rori, thank you. I have realized recently that I have spent most of my life being embarrassed about wanting love, great love. I don’t know where I learned that it was better to be perceived as not needing love, to be tough. I know now that I can be independent and still be allowed to need love.
    I need to learn how to motivate myself and energize myself…when I’m sad, I am unproductive and “low” energy. I feel better about myself when I’m actively working to improve my life but many days go by wasted with procrastinating and blah.
    Is there a “get pumped” tool? I have decided to start my own business as I was a victim of the recession, but some days I don’t know how I’m going to be able to do this. Under the tough mask is a scared and doubtful and slightly lost woman.



  7.  #7alias girl on October 30, 2009 at 10:03 am

    finally.

    he said if i don’t want him to call anymore then he won’t call. good. if you are not going to step up in even the tiniest manner then step off completely. Good Bye. (i didn’t actually say that to him. he left this on my voicemail after he called back. i said it outloud to myself. good. finally. go. be gone)

    good luck, he said. (well thank you. i am the lucky sort so i am sure it will turn put fine. in fact i might meet my guy today. and i will be so happy you are finally off my horse. )

    i feel sad but i feel better. i feel self loving. i feel dignified. i feel free from imaginary relationship status. i feel hopeful and full of possibility for something Real.

    thank you.



  8.  #8alias girl on October 30, 2009 at 10:06 am

    tinque i feel hopeful knowing you have found someone special. i feel good to know this.



  9.  #9Mary Ann on October 30, 2009 at 10:11 am

    I feel happy for you AG!! and Tinque makes me feel hopeful too 🙂



  10.  #10tinque on October 30, 2009 at 10:38 am

    Oh alias girl, thank you sweetheart.
    I want you to know that “the one” doesn’t always look like you thought or wished he might. An OMG this is him rarely hits you at first meeting or even after several dates. Yes there is an attraction, but TRUE “the one” status comes with time.
    I’m proud of you for recognizing it’s time to move on. For a potential “the one” WILL “step up” most of the time.
    xxoo



  11.  #11Jennifer F on October 30, 2009 at 11:59 am

    I am so excited about this post! The other night (our Nip/Tuck night) L and I had a heart to heart discussion, because we have just been really off the last couple of weeks. He was frustrated the other day, and I could totally tell because I know him so well, and I asked him if he was okay. ( I know that is leaning forward, but he is a really happy go lucky guy, so if something is bothering him… it’s usually pretty big.) He looked at me, gave me a huge FAKE smile and said “I am going to tell you that I am fine… just like you do, when you’re not!” and then walked off. At first I was annoyed and hurt, then my light bulb went off, wow… that did not feel good.. is that what he feels like when he asks me what’s wrong and I just give him a fake smile and tell him “nothing”?… no wonder he has stopped asking me what’s wrong! I thought it was just him not caring.. but why ask if I am not going to give him a straight answer? So… that night, I told him in feeling messages that from now on I was going to be brave and be honest with him, and tell him “what’s wrong” when he asks. I also shared with him, that the reason I usually say “nothing” is for two reasons. 1. I am quick tempered and I usually get mad really fast, and then feel bad about it 30 minutes later. So… if you just give me space I will talk myself off the ledge so to speak. 2. I am scared that what I am “upset” about will be stupid to him. That he will get mad at me for being mad or think I am being a “drama queen”. When I told him all of this… in feeling messages… he looked me in the eye and said Jennifer, I will NEVER think what you are feeling is stupid. I would never dismiss your feelings that like. I may not agree with why you are mad, but I will never discount that you feel the way that you do. If we are at work, and it’s not the right arena to speak about why you are upset, just tell me “not now”.. but don’t lie to me and tell me your’e not mad or nothing is wrong, when I can see it in your eyes. It makes me upset and sad when you do that…”
    I told him that made me feel accepted and IT DID! I could just feel a rush of relief and acceptance flow through my whole body. Wow… a man I can tell exactly how I am feeling about something and he’s not going to run out on me!!! I actually broke down and cried! (2nd time I have ever done that in front of him.. and now I am worrying about being a big cry baby ALL THE TIME, because I feel so comfortable doing it in front of him now, and I have so much pent up frustration and energy, that it feels good to cry it out.) We talked for 3 hours straight about misunderstands between us, shared how we had both hurt each others feelings, and cleared the air. When he left for the night at 2 in the morning, he knocked on my sliding glass door as I was walking away. I turned around, and he pointed at his eye, then at his chest, and then at me. I LOVE YOU. It felt great!



  12.  #12tinque on October 30, 2009 at 12:03 pm

    YAY you Jennifer F. YAY him…
    xxoo



  13.  #13Daria on October 30, 2009 at 12:56 pm

    Jennifer F I can imagine it it would be really attractive and feel very feminine to be a big cry baby with my man



  14.  #14Daria on October 30, 2009 at 1:08 pm

    I feel unworthy!

    i feel unworthy to focus on what I want to do today. on what will bring me pleasure

    I feel a motor in my chest running to give out Forward

    I feel unworthy.

    I feel like I must look like im doing, working, to make income, desperately

    I must make income adequate income to be considered a full adult

    a competent human being

    otherwise i ama diseased parasite

    sucking the lifeblood out of people who care about me

    not able to survive without my disease

    i must concentrate on getting an income
    or at least think about it so hard

    to the result that
    i feel overwhelmed

    and the result that

    nothing is really getting done
    except more desperation is getting created

    my family looks at me to make more money
    because my dad feels desperate about money
    and i feel desperate about money
    and my mom well she might feel desperate too when she shows us how she feels

    and

    my friends and such look to me to make money
    because that is the way out
    of the desperation
    of the chomp chomp iron trap throw em in the well

    and

    i look to myself to make money
    because i feel responsible
    for the whole world
    with my INFP taking on huge projects
    yet without the required INFP support group
    aligned to a similar goal

    AND I

    feel

    angry

    I feel angry

    I feel angry at money

    I feel angry at my sis for not making it
    and my brother for not making it

    and everyone else

    so therefor

    i must make it too

    right

    but i

    WANT TO FOCUS ON FEELING GOOD TODAY

    and I DONT WANT TO ALLOW MYSELF TO

    BECAUSE I MUST FEEL OBSESSIVE AND OVERWHELMED BY WORK UNTIL I MAKE MONEY

    and the result is

    i do no work

    because i work

    spontaneously sporadically and artist like

    popping up fully formed mushrooms in gigantous shapes
    after the rain

    sO the world wants to chomp my butt off

    CHOMP CHOMP

    I Feel guilty

    for sucking sap
    from people feeding me

    I feel angry

    I feel unworthy of pleasure

    until i make money

    i feel stuck

    in a chompy run around the track loop

    CHOMP run aaack its coming up behing me

    CHOMP Run
    CHOMP RUN
    fuckin a

    i feel exhausted

    what if i just stop paying all my bills

    what if i dont go to acupuncture

    sleep outside in the rain
    i dont lik eit when its too cold but i read thats a symptom of not being fully healthy

    i feel so tightened up
    like anchor ropes for arm muscles

    and grids
    across my face and back

    i feel hopeless



  15.  #15Simply Shannon on October 30, 2009 at 1:21 pm

    I loved this post. Perfect timing. My mask is off. This is me world. All of me. I will no longer feel afraid of what’s behind the mask.

    Jennifer F: Reading your post felt amazing. Wow. I just can’t think of any words. What a testament to feeling messages and how they work!



  16.  #16nikita on October 30, 2009 at 1:33 pm

    Tolerate nothing……

    Hot…..

    I never liked that word…never……

    I feel real 🙂



  17.  #17Daria on October 30, 2009 at 2:00 pm

    Thanks Nikita… i missed that part WOW i just went back

    Stand up for yourself. Be for yourself. Be for love. Receive love. Accept or reject what is in front of you. Tolerate nothing.

    ohhhhh… and it says Be FOR yourself… not Be yourself wow!

    I am accepting my computer monitor… big bright and blue sending me its EMFs but im choosing to let the EMF’s Love me

    ohhh

    it feels good

    i love you computer!!!

    THANK YOU!!!



  18.  #18Daria on October 30, 2009 at 2:03 pm

    i shall now channel my good feeling energy into setting up my very own Alias Girl inspired blog



  19.  #19dejavu on October 30, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    Jennifer F: that was beautiful, the feeling and the honesty in your words brought me to tears. You are so brave, and I wish that I had the chance to do that very same thing with the person I care about. Your 2 reasons for not wanting to open up are exactly how I feel…thank you for putting those feelings into words.



  20.  #20Daria on October 30, 2009 at 2:20 pm

    TADAH!

    NOW READ MY POEMS AND PRAISE ME!!!

    you dont want me i know you dont youre criticizing and judging me and I FEEL DEFENSIVE AND AFRAID !!!!!!!!!!

    I FEEL ANGRY!!!

    RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAURRRGH



  21.  #21Katie on October 30, 2009 at 2:50 pm

    Thank you Rori,
    I am new here okay <3. I am going through a hellish time recently. The end of a relationship with a guy I care deeply about is hanging by a thread if not completely over. The masks metaphor is so apt because both me and this guy i am with (was with) both have feelings for eachother but we both got hurt in previous relationships, divorces etc, teenage kids involved etc. So there’s been soooo much self protection going on over the 2 years we were together, for him the “L” word was off limits – intimacy of hearts for both of us is/was painful – he’s still wounded but won’t admit it. I couldn’t stand the lack of authenticity and blew him too far away one day and he has withdrawn to ‘friends’. I feel devastated most of the time because I still want a future with him, I want the masks to fall away, I want him to realise that I am there for him and really want him in my life. It is probably too late for recovery and I probably have to accept it is over.

    All this happened before I found Rori’s website, I have the e-book which has been so helpful and I want to get Modern Siren next. But I have no idea how to be with this guy, i would love to try out some ‘tools’ for example feeling messages, but I’m lean back (in my mind, cos I’m not seeing him) then the next day I want to phone him or call over. But then I wonder if trying to link up is just going to push him further away. I just sent him a text before I read this post asking him if he’d like to go to a halloween event with me! Coincidences. No reply yet though.

    What do you great godesses and sirens in training think? There is so much wisdom and honesty here in this blog – thanks so much Rori for all of this. I am learning little step by little step but need some words, help, hugs!



  22.  #22Lisa on October 30, 2009 at 2:59 pm

    “Tolerate nothing” love it! Thank you, Rori. Also, thank you Amanata for sharing what sharing feels like to you.

    When I was in an abusive relationship many years ago, my counselor, who was leaving for S.A., asked me what I was going to do. I said, “I will persist for awhile longer”, as I was in grad school.

    She said, “Lisa, life is about more than persisting.” Word.



  23.  #23Daria on October 30, 2009 at 3:11 pm

    There is still nobody but me. try as i try to get love out there and finding my own love unworthy

    There is Still Nobody but Me

    I will be forced to surrender to my own Greatness

    long live the chief

    unwavering

    the painful truth thats there

    my love is all there is

    and all the pain shall bleed me

    and still there is my love
    all there is

    i cannot escape the love of me that stands sucking me up
    like a black hole

    my desperate attempts at child laughing flights
    from the big giant
    that drags me back by the ankles

    to the big love that all there is is me



  24.  #24Katie on October 30, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    Jennifer F – Thanks for your sharing of those moments – and how being authentic is really what men want from us. We’ve mostly all been trained through generations to just put on the mask and smile, to hide what we really feel – it is unsayable and unreachable so far back that we don’t even know it is there.

    I would love to find the strength in my words from deep within, I would so love to have it accepted as okay and appreciated, if not with my ex-love-hope then with my next-love-hope.

    Thanks for the light from you and your man.



  25.  #25Tina on October 30, 2009 at 3:33 pm

    I wrote my letter of apology, I feel reconnected to the universe again. I feel calm. I felt my worry and fear and decided this was the best thing to do. I am learning, a part of my learning is to become a better human being, I allow myself to make mistakes, I fear making mistakes actually. Fear and worry over my mistake, blah.



  26.  #26Daria on October 30, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    I just did a free Lefkoe Method exercise to remove the belief im not good enough, i don’t know if it worked but i feel all angry now afterward because the second part i was disagreeing with the interviewer and i felt annoyed

    so maybe i do feel good enough i just feel angry at others now



  27.  #27Daria on October 30, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    I FEEL PIST!!!



  28.  #28Daria on October 30, 2009 at 4:26 pm

    i’m good enough but “YOU” are not



  29.  #29cookie on October 30, 2009 at 4:40 pm

    wow, jennifer, that was such a beautiful moment, i feel inspired and tinque i love reading everything you have to say (among others) esp. when you talk about your experience then and now. thanks everyone for the love you sent me on the other post.

    im feeling exhausted and artificially awake from tossing and turning all night and only getting a few hours of beauty rest and working all day. I have yet to sleep and I’m about to go out to the see the Michael Jackson movie. I’m thinking This is It for me too. Because I know I love this man and I want what’s best for the relationship and I feel myself being suspicious, judgmental, possessive, angry, annoyed, distrustful. I don’t like these feelings but I keep running my freaking mouth because by the time I see him and get to speak it’s like an overload of emotion every time and I feel like I’m dumping.

    It’s not fair but that’s my Inner bitch demanding and I’m okay with her, I love her. I was teaching this to my students today, asking them to allow themselves to access all aspects of themselves good and bad and talk from that place in their writing. I know I was asking them to do alot of hard work, to put themselves out there. But I think that over the semester , they would be better for it.

    So today, i’m owning my Inner bitch, that part of me that kicks in and gets ready to fight, the part of me that protects that little girl that didn’t stand up for herself before. I’m fighting all the time. So now that I embrace her, I want to spend some time talking to her. so she can know that she doesn’t have to be so defensive but that I appreciate her and will always love her willingness to protect me and I will definitely trust in her when i need to. I never did this before. So much guilt around feeling angry and demanding requiring needing love and attention and feeling miserable and angrier when I don’t get it. Then trying to make it up by being nicer or walking away. But she is mad at me for being like this and I’m agreeing with her because I don’t want to be. Now that we are in agreement, it is time to stop being mad at me and try something completely different. Rori’s tools will work for me too.

    Oh, ladies, I feel so tired… I’m going to go now and get ready for the movie. thanks for reading and listening.



  30.  #30Daria on October 30, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    My voice has this “i’m better than You” tinge and I feel worried about it although weirdly i don’t feel guilty or that “i’m not good enough” lol.

    I feel worried that I will alienate people. OH WELL!!!

    FUCK THAT

    rata tatttatttattat



  31.  #31Daria on October 30, 2009 at 4:46 pm

    maybe this belief change thing did work

    cuz when we were imagining our parents yelling at us instead of the im not good enough feeling i got the YOURE Not good enough feeling so that may be another to work on

    i would like to have the social anxiety program and the

    approval seeking program

    wahooieiah

    and the procrastination program

    ok i guess it worked

    im not really feeling im not good enough

    this is feeling empowering and im starting to feel teary eyed

    ok time to give the link of where the hell i got this hehe its a free online video

    http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free/



  32.  #32Daria on October 30, 2009 at 4:52 pm

    AH!A

    The root causes of social anxiety are a series of beliefs you hold, such as:

    >>It’s dangerous to have people focus attention on me.

    (my eye contact thing! OMG! never got that so clearly)

    >> I’m not good enough.
    (so far in past 5 min seems to have been eliminated for me)

    >> If I make a mistake or fail, I’ll be rejected.

    >> What makes me good enough or important is having people think well of me.
    (oh yes yes yes i relate)

    WOW

    so I feel afraid of eye contact because I believe its DANGEROUS to have people focus attention on me ! omgosh!

    I feel like doing a lil dance!



  33.  #33Daria on October 30, 2009 at 4:55 pm

    THATS EXACTLY HOW IT FEELS!

    DANGEROUS!!!

    ayayayayaaaay



  34.  #34Daria on October 30, 2009 at 5:09 pm

    I desire to feel good talking on the phone with a deep voiced man.



  35.  #35nikita on October 30, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    My ex is a deep voiced man 🙁

    i loved his voice…..my ears would perk up and my brain felt soothed…….ugh



  36.  #36Tina on October 30, 2009 at 6:42 pm

    I went to my neigbors house. We chatted, his “girlfriend” shows up looking all pissed off, tight lipped, very tense, she never broke a smile. Poor girl is doing everything wrong well at least not the Rori Raye way lol. I would love to show her this site but Im afraid she’ll scratch my eyes out. She holds a very important position , so does he. I would think* she would know better. My neighbor is very femenine energy but does man up on occasion. I am not interested in him as a lover or long term partner what so ever, I do practice some Rori Raye tools with him though 🙂 hey I cant help it if Im sexy damnit! 🙂



  37.  #37Tina on October 30, 2009 at 6:44 pm

    I feel betty boopy 🙂



  38.  #38Tina on October 30, 2009 at 6:47 pm

    I forget that my physical appearance has set some women off. I can stand alone, this is what I have been taught and reinforced with this site I LOVE IT! I wasnt even dressed all that seductively, I finished working out on my treadmill, I stink! my hair is effed up, no makeup ok ok, i walk like a goddess dang! so shoot me.



  39.  #39Tina on October 30, 2009 at 6:54 pm

    I have a coffee date tomorrow , which I initiated. I was feeling lonely and alone in my recent drama and wanted a friendly face to talk to. He emailed me and asked me when our next date was, so I took him up on his offer, I said to him , I feel I need to get this out and maybe clear the air a bit, Im not asking you as a romantic partner, Im just taking you up on your offer. He’s the guy that sang to me when we went out a few weeks ago, he sang to me again, a Frank Sinatra song 🙂 he plays in a band at night and teaches university students during the day anyway , we have a dinner/coffee karaoke date tomorrow 🙂 weeeeeeeeeee



  40.  #40Tina on October 30, 2009 at 7:08 pm

    I believe people are not as enthusiatic as I am about feeling my feelings 🙁 I’m having a pity party, I feel really confused,I feel worry and fear again.

    Daria, I feel the same way about focusing attention on me, it is dangerous and everything else you said.

    My ex messaged me, I was like WHATEVAAAAAAAA! lol

    I didn’t offend the whole freaken universe , I just feel that way now 🙁



  41.  #41Tina on October 30, 2009 at 7:19 pm

    I fear being flogged, I will be flogged soon lol. I have to sit in front of The Board in November, I feel doooooom!



  42.  #42Tina on October 30, 2009 at 7:24 pm

    Can I still be “hell on wheels” and feel my feelings? 🙂



  43.  #43Tina on October 30, 2009 at 8:29 pm

    I need advice 🙂 A man contacted and we were talking on the phone,at the same time I was just starting to become 1 1/2 yr, mans “girlfriend” I told him no at the time, I was in a new “relationship” I was thinking about what had happened to him or about him then poof he shows up again on a dating site. I’m sure he will recognize me lol. Do I contact him first even though we lost touch, He did contact me first when we first met, so what do I do?



  44.  #44Tina on October 30, 2009 at 8:32 pm

    ah hell I added him to my favs.



  45.  #45Tina on October 30, 2009 at 9:12 pm

    Ah yes, he contacted me and gave me his number, I gave him mine instead. I did lean forward by adding him to my favs. We did meet online and by phone, we had a “date” but I cancelled it because I was with 1 1/2 year guy. I get these guys that want to go places, he asked if I wanted to go to mexico , the last time we spoke, hell Im just wanting to go to the next town for coffee and a donut. My vagjayjay doenst want to put out either lol. Oh, I can save my money and take myself on a trip! 🙂 I really dont feel like traveling any where at all.



  46.  #46Daria on October 30, 2009 at 9:43 pm

    Tina

    hey whats done is done if you feel you leaned forward you can always lean back after if it didn’t feel good…

    me feeling chill right now



  47.  #47Ann on October 30, 2009 at 9:48 pm

    I need to meditate on this part:Stand up for yourself. Be for yourself. Be for love. Receive love. Accept or reject what is in front of you. Tolerate nothing.



  48.  #48Tina on October 30, 2009 at 9:52 pm

    He did call, I felt like I was talking to an ex, really restrained, he asked me about 1 1/2 yr guy, I said I dont feel comfortable talking about that right now. I could tell he was kinda offended that I dumped him, when in fact I didnt dump him at all. I just cancelled the date, he sent me this long email about how I would choose this guy over him, had a lot to do with his “wealth” and 1 1/2 year guy just being a dumbass and I could do so much better. He said oh I have this to offer blah blah blah. 1 1/2 year guy was hot lol ok mistake again! ugh! My male friend referred to him as a doorknob or when he gets really going numbnuts. Anyway he is coming to the town I live close to in early in the week and we are going out for coffee.



  49.  #49Mary Ann on October 30, 2009 at 10:27 pm

    I feel like vomiting…I was on my way home and past the bar that “he” goes to and saw him on the patio.
    I got so angry I texted him…I said “I see you” that’s it…no lol//then I realized it sounded crazy so I texted again and said…ha ha just realized that sounded crazy…just drove by the bar…saw you outside.
    That was 15 minutes ago, he hasn’t responded…he’s not a texting kind of person though..he 48..10 yrs older than me, and he thinks its for kids, so he might not even realize i texted him. But whatever, I feel sick that I couldn’t control myself…I’m lucky my friend was driving because I almost went back there to freak out…I;m so angry but I’m so humiliated…i feel so stupid to believe his bullshit promises. Its been 2 weeks since he got all soft and promised me I would hear from him. WTF!!!
    I was at a friends house tonight, me and 4 guy friends..one of them being the guy who asked for my # last week. He texted me Wednesday, the day he returned from vacation in vegas to say hi, and we chatted a small bit. He is nice and cute and seems to like me. I was having fun and then we got outside and I saw “him” on the patio 1/2 a block away, my body immediately got tense and I started to feel panicky and ill. I felt angry but I started to laugh..an angry laugh, and then I texted. I wanted go back there and confront him. My heart hurts. I feel sick. I feel cheated on, and betrayed..I feel like how I felt when I caught my ex with another girl…not quite as strongly but its similar. I feel tired of being the girl who gets conned, who gets cheated on, who puts up with crap, who is so naive to think that she actually means something to these guys. Do I think too much of myself? Is this why I get conned? Do I think they couldn’t possibly NOT think I’m awesome? But its not about them, its about me, but what about me? I don’t know anymore, all I know is I need to lock up the vajayjay to save my heart. lol this is going to sound funny tomorrow, but I have no will power sometimes, but I won’t sleep with more than one at a time, so in effect I make myself exclusive to him so I don;t feel like a ho, but I’m just being used anyway. I still don’t believe he’s an asshole but he’s still making me feel really bad and that’s what matters…not his intentions good or bad, not his issues..doesn’t matter why, he just makes me feel bad a lot, and not good often enough. I feel so sad and heavy hearted but there are not even tears anymore I’m so tired of this shit.
    I need to stop giving my essence to men, and start putting my energy toward working on my business. How bad is this, I just realized that I think it would be easier to get my business off the ground if I had a good relationship. I have more energy when I’m excited about a man, why can’t I do that for myself?

    Sorry, long post but I needed this…better than calling or going to confront him…I feel really sick to my stomach…blech…



  50.  #50Tina on October 30, 2009 at 10:28 pm

    Daria, I want to feel chill 🙂 Im just not right now. I feel hungry right now though.



  51.  #51Daria on October 30, 2009 at 10:35 pm

    awww Tina hugs!

    hehe some guy i talked to last nite and been texting with all day well he just threw a text hissy fit and said to “get on his level” or “do it moving” whoa?

    i feel shocked

    im gonna go with do it moving



  52.  #52Daria on October 30, 2009 at 10:35 pm

    actually i said ouch



  53.  #53Daria on October 30, 2009 at 10:37 pm

    for practice

    as opposed to

    u do it moving

    or

    whoa i feel shocked and i think u need a life



  54.  #54Daria on October 30, 2009 at 10:41 pm

    Mary Ann…

    a small yet HUGE step could be texting

    “and I feel FURIOUS”

    instead of I see you haha laughing etc when you feel angry…

    I remember being in that position and going by his street to hang out and I knew i would see him etc.

    and feeling angry but covering up

    and sleeping with him when i didnt mean to

    best is to not contact at all and accept mucho practice attention from other men

    HUGS



  55.  #55Tina on October 30, 2009 at 10:50 pm

    Daria ,why did he say that lol. Get on his level and the other thing. I have two dates , I have two dates weeee. I feel the same way to Mary Ann,Ive been procrastinating about my course even though I finished paying for it I still havnt made a move to show up yet. I;m waiting for the “right time”whatever that means, i have no idea. Yes to what daria suggested about saying, I feel furious rather than “I see you lol” feel your feelings 🙂 baby steps



  56.  #56Mary Ann on October 30, 2009 at 10:51 pm

    thanks Daria…I haven’t contacted him at all until tonight, it all happened so fast I couldn’t get a grip on it…and I could hear myself in my head on one hand say don’t do it, and then drama queen go yah..yah!! do it!! tell him you hate him…call him an asshole, and a lyer lier(?sp)
    and then out comes… I see you? and then I clarify? oh well its done can’t take it back.

    So on July 25th, the question was, “would you like to go back to my place for a drink? the answer should have been “I would love to talk more with you, but I would feel better if you called me to go out sometime” i should add “what do you think?”

    is that the right answer?

    when I said yes that night it really was just to talk more, and I did sleep over but did not have sex. I did know him for about a year, and saw him at baseball once or twice a week. not a “stranger”..but a false sense of trust on my part, because I never would of thought he would do this.



  57.  #57Tina on October 30, 2009 at 11:02 pm

    Mary Ann, maybe the text messaging goddess wont allow that message through.



  58.  #58Tina on October 30, 2009 at 11:04 pm

    This guy Iv’e been emailing back and forth with said that he wouldnt show me his body parts if I added him to my msn. He did say however that he has had phone sex with his ex wife.



  59.  #59Tina on October 30, 2009 at 11:06 pm

    My friendly date is bringing his casanova cape with him tomorrow, IT”S HALLOWEEN. I have a pocahontas costume but I wont dress up tomorrow. I’m keeping my mask off hehe.



  60.  #60Mary Ann on October 30, 2009 at 11:07 pm

    lol!! that would be good, although at this point as much as I want him to think I’m not thinking about him, he also doesn’t know I’m angry…but I don’t know which is better at the moment…I’m angry is what I should have texted..if there had to be a text…Daria is so right. But is it better not to communicate at all?

    ugggggg!!!!



  61.  #61Tina on October 30, 2009 at 11:07 pm

    YOU dont want to hear me sing “colors of the wind” lol



  62.  #62Mary Ann on October 30, 2009 at 11:08 pm

    and thanks Tina and Daria, and Rori and all Goddess 🙂



  63.  #63Tina on October 30, 2009 at 11:13 pm

    Mary ann, Yes, he would be one of those ones that ‘fall to the way side” I remember the father to my son (long time ago) was chatting with a woman across in the next building I was down in the driveway between the buildings looking for him for dinner I had cooked and did a really great job, I was young. I heard him talking to her and shouted WHAT THE FCK DO YOU CARE ABOUT HER APARTMENT! I JUST COOKED YOUR DINNER , he came in and I let my drama queen loose, I smashed all the pots of the floor, after he said oh it smells so good. I was like oh yeah, well here you go SMASH! I did one time after that with my last ex, a pot of really yummy beans flew out back door. baby steps



  64.  #64Tina on October 30, 2009 at 11:18 pm

    Mary Ann, did you say you had sex with this guy? I must have missed it.



  65.  #65Mary Ann on October 30, 2009 at 11:22 pm

    oh Tina…its awesome you are so far from that!

    I used to be way worse too…I’ve screamed at the TOP of my lungs in front of tons of people, lol, I’ve hit, thrown stuff, had my ex call the police on me but I managed to hang up the phone while he was trying to get through…when I said my drama queen’s name was psycho bitch I meant it haha!!
    Maybe I should be proud it was only a stupid text.

    If I had given the Rori answer back in July…he probably would never have called. FROG!!!

    Sorry NIkita…I feel really bad about this and it happened when I was like 5..I killed a frog with a rock…at first it felt good and then I felt SO bad that I STILL feel bad. Weird as much as I can get psycho yelling and stuff I never really could be really mean where I could say something that crossed the line even when I was really mad.



  66.  #66Daria on October 30, 2009 at 11:24 pm

    Meetup.com!

    FREAKIN GREAT

    Theres all types of clubs in my area free!

    I just joined an abraham hicks club and a Business Passion club right now!!

    yay!!!

    social and networking meee



  67.  #67Daria on October 30, 2009 at 11:27 pm

    Hey Mary Ann, Tina I’ve done all that yelling, hitting, going crazy stuff too!

    HAha I thought it was romantic, I though men go for the “wild passionate type” lol!

    Well they do, just not the way I was choosing to express it hehe

    hehe I don’t do it anymore either



  68.  #68Mary Ann on October 30, 2009 at 11:29 pm

    yes Tina…we’ve had sex a bunch of times now…we are often at the same social events and end up spending the whole evening together, often talking only to each other. He usually asks me to go home with him and because it feels like a date as we spent the whole evening together, it feels good at the time to go with him. The 2nd last time I did not go and he called me after I left to ask what happened and I told him that it feels bad to me that I don’t hear from him afterward and that I want us to spend different time together. He said he could do that.
    The last time, I did go to his place and asked him if when he said he could spend different time with me, if that;s what he wanted he said yes. He then said “i promise you will hear from me, and I promise i’m not going anywhere” I said “that means a lot” and he said I know. I actually teared up at that point and he pulled me close and held me.
    That was 2 weeks ago, have not heard a peep.



  69.  #69Daria on October 30, 2009 at 11:31 pm

    Mary Ann

    I say well he must fall by the wayside if he so chooses…

    there is not really anything that important about what you say except for YOU

    right now your self esteem is hung up on him I know how you feel

    I know this sounds weird but I would strongly suggest NOT going to places you know he is at

    I had to stop going to hang out on my favorite street because a man i was hooked on lives there even though I had hung out there practically everyday for 6 years

    yesterday I did go to visit (not to see him though at all) this man walked away from a group of us everyone was like “huh? whats wrong with him he wont come say hi? It might have been about me, maybe not I did NOT feel concerned though

    I do believe I would have felt weird if he had come up. I would’ve probably LEFT though

    I suggest you treat him like he shot your favorite pet frog and LEAVE anytime he comes into the picture



  70.  #70Tina on October 30, 2009 at 11:34 pm

    I havnt felt that way in a long time, I know how to “handle” my jealousy, I think* lol. It is a totally different story when its in the NOW I know this, the more we practice the more better able we are to handle these types of situations. baby steps, from smashing things to Oh I feel jealous is a huge step.



  71.  #71Daria on October 30, 2009 at 11:34 pm

    Oh.

    Who knows after he gets the MAJOR SPACE you give him by LEAVING then he may start calling at which point I would say I have been feeling ANGRY and am not interested in the type of dating we were doing before, I am looking for a man who likes to take me out romantically… what do you think ?



  72.  #72Daria on October 30, 2009 at 11:36 pm

    Tina HA!

    Some men have triggered me to go crazy, not so much jealusy but actual (justified) Rage at their immature behavior for me

    but lately i HAve been much better … its an energy exchange them/ vs . me

    now I CLICK hang up

    that’s my “drama”
    hehe

    I LOVE IT



  73.  #73Daria on October 30, 2009 at 11:37 pm

    what i meant about energy exchange was that maybe I fall into an “energy pattern” THEY have about being yelled at, or maybe in the past it was My stuff and they fell for it

    men did not leave me haven’t left me for being psycho, they do not “mind” but it just leads to more psychoness which did not feel good



  74.  #74Mary Ann on October 30, 2009 at 11:40 pm

    I know exactly what you’re saying Daria, and I’m trying to abolish him from my thoughts, and I’m trying to practice too…to get to the point where I can really get the feeling message right.
    If I did see him this week, I was planning on telling him, when he came over to chat, that if he wanted to talk to me he would have to call and book my time, and since he hadn’t done that he should go away.

    I don’t know if that would be the right thing, but I thought it was a better plan than playing nice, or freaking out.

    I have avoided him this past 2 weeks, but it is inevitable that I will see him again within a few weeks. I need to be ready.



  75.  #75Daria on October 30, 2009 at 11:41 pm

    Mary Ann –

    Is it inevitable or is it “inevitable”?



  76.  #76Daria on October 30, 2009 at 11:44 pm

    PS I would say that is a pretty good thing to say… using feeling messages

    ie…

    I feel weird telling you this… it feels good/strange/grasshoppery to see you… and I have been feeling angry at not hearing from you. I do not want to talk to you right now

    Ladah Goddess leaves

    But personally I would just not go to that bar even if it was MY bar



  77.  #77Mary Ann on October 30, 2009 at 11:45 pm

    Its a small neighborhood and a very interwoven bunch of friends…I would have to miss out on a lot of things to completely avoid him, I refuse to let him do that to me. To make me have to go out of my way to not see him when I did nothing wrong.

    At the same time, I know I am probably drawn to go where I know he will be.



  78.  #78Mary Ann on October 30, 2009 at 11:52 pm

    I feel uncomfortable seeing you, I have been angry and I don’t want to talk to you right now.



  79.  #79Daria on October 30, 2009 at 11:54 pm

    I just joined a Divine Feminine group! I am the second memeber besides the founder it just opened yesterday. The founder is an older lady who seems to be a hypnotist because i saw her other group I might join

    im so freakin excited about these GROUPS

    wowzers

    i will have stuff to do and meet people

    im JUICED



  80.  #80Daria on October 30, 2009 at 11:55 pm

    Mary Ann that was exactly my situation and in the end I did go out my way NOT to see him and realized after i “de=junked” that I had been going out my way TO see him the whole time !!



  81.  #81Daria on October 30, 2009 at 11:56 pm

    Ah freekin Hookers!

    meaning men with the Hooks in us hehe



  82.  #82Mary Ann on October 31, 2009 at 12:00 am

    ha ha Hookers!! They are lol!!!

    stupid man hookers, love it

    I will work on de-junking!! I will starve the parasite!!

    but first I need to sleep..its 3:00am here and my brain is now hurting

    hugs ladies..and thanks so much..i’m feeling grateful and awwww 🙂



  83.  #83Daria on October 31, 2009 at 12:07 am

    HAHAHA CHECK THIS OUT!! I FEEEL FREEEEED:

    “If you hear a voice within you say ‘You cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced”

    ~Vincent Van Gogh



  84.  #84nikita on October 31, 2009 at 12:08 am

    mary ann,

    my mouth fell open when i read about the frog 🙁

    poor frog…

    I forgive 5 year old you



  85.  #85Mary Ann on October 31, 2009 at 12:12 am

    thanks Nikita…poor frog…i think I was scared of it

    goodnight 🙂



  86.  #86Daria on October 31, 2009 at 12:17 am

    whoa… i feel shaky… so i found this group called Adult Indigo’s and i’m like whoa what is that its about healers, but I would like to check out but im not sure im an “indigo” i thought maybe it came from a tv show or something

    so now I decided to look at the characteristics thinking it would be something like… can heal people with hands etc…

    and instead i found ( i feel teary a description of me that i think you guys will see that it is describing me)

    Indigo Adult Characteristics

    •Are intelligent, though may not have had top grades.

    •Are very creative and enjoy making things.

    •Always need to know WHY, especially why they are being asked to do something.

    •Had disgust and perhaps loathing for much of the required and repetitious work in school.

    •Were rebellious in school in that they refused to do homework and rejected authority of teachers, OR seriously wanted to rebel, but didn’t DARE, usually due to parental pressure.

    •May have experienced early existential depression and feelings of helplessness. These may have ranged from sadness to utter despair. Suicidal feelings while still in high school or younger are not uncommon in the Indigo Adult.

    •Have difficulty in service-oriented jobs. Indigos resist authority and caste system of employment.

    •Prefer leadership positions or working alone to team positions.

    •Have deep empathy for others, yet an intolerance of stupidity.

    •May be extremely emotionally sensitive including crying at the drop of a hat (no shielding) Or may be the opposite and show no expression of emotion (full shielding).

    •May have trouble with RAGE.

    •Have trouble with systems they consider broken or ineffective, ie. political, educational, medical, and legal.

    •Alienation from or anger with politics – feeling your voice won’t count and/or that the outcome really doesn’t mattter.

    •Frustration with or rejection of the traditional American dream – 9-5 career, marriage, 2.5 children, house with white picket fence, etc.

    •Anger at rights being taken away, fear and/or fury at “Big Brother watching you.”

    •Have a burning desire to do something to change and improve the world. May be stymied what to do. May have trouble identifying their path.

    ok there are more including the making stuff electrically sensitive but… the above! the Rage and world stuff whoa

    it is describing moi



  87.  #87Daria on October 31, 2009 at 12:29 am

    see my psychicness with talking about hypothetically shooting favorite pet frog

    while Mary Ann was simultaneously writing about kililng the frog



  88.  #88Daria on October 31, 2009 at 12:29 am

    I’m feeling drained out my forehead



  89.  #89Tracy on October 31, 2009 at 1:09 am

    Yesterday i went out with some friends and i let out my mask and just had a great time….it felt so good…..
    It made me feel more certain that there are so many great guyz out there…and there is so much love and so much fun to look forward to….I feel liberated….
    I also practiced my feeling messages and i felt men getting attracted to me….I also noted my reactions towards them and stuff i need to work on myself…and my own beliefs….
    I feel that i am getting better and better and i am learning so much about myself…i feel hopeful….Mr Right feels right around the corner…i feel as though i already knew he was there just that i wasn’t looking or receiving….i feel ready to receive real love…yay….



  90.  #90Daria on October 31, 2009 at 1:16 am

    yay Tracy!



  91.  #91Paula on October 31, 2009 at 5:01 am

    “Devoting our lives to constantly tracking, guessing, analyzing, measuring, trying to change what’s going on in our men’s minds, hearts and bodies is a sad waste”. That’s been exactly what I’ve been doing for years with my ex-partner. I’ve tried SO many ways to take my focus off of him.

    Lieing awake last night, I thought that I have to love this part of me and embrace her. So I imagined a thin, pale, hair standing on end, stranger-me, biting her nails, rocking back and forth. And I tried to talk to her and comfort her. I’m going to try to take care of her.

    On a nicer note, I’ve been trying to circular date on the internet. I’ve been emailing a French man (he doesn’t speak any english) and he wants me to come to meet him and his little daughter. He has a business idea (much like my own) and he has a premises and a garden for my vegetables (he says…). It’s SO nice. Going to keep circular dating and not go to see him just yet. For the first time in a long time, I feel desirable. Went out with my friend last night wearing a SHORT skirt and I felt good.

    I just want my poor stranger to feel good too.

    XXX



  92.  #92nikita on October 31, 2009 at 5:23 am

    Daria,

    My girlfriend sent me a link today about Indigos…..I haven’t watched it yet but I was watching the other link she sent me …….edgar cayce related ……esp….and stuff.
    She does reiki and other energy work…..

    nikita..



  93.  #93Bethany on October 31, 2009 at 6:28 am

    Oh wow, I so needed that right now. I get so scared that I’m WRONG about my awful feelings, and I feel so embarrassed feeling them sometimes, that I stuff and stuff and stuff. I feel like I never express them right in the moment. I’m getting better but there’s still a bit “time lapse” between the triggering event, to the horrible sick embarrassed feeling over the anger and confusion, to me being able to consciously recognize each feeling, to being able to say what I feel.

    But when I can do it, it does feel like “alchemy,” like Rori says. And it’s never really that bad of an outcome, most of the time.



  94.  #94Linda on October 31, 2009 at 8:55 am

    Just got caught up on all the posts.

    Communicating my feelings will be so freeing. I am committed to doing that for me. I am making some promises to me and going to keep them.

    Remembering that I am my responsiblty and his stuff is his (who ever he is) is empowering. I feel excited about this mindset. It feels hopeful and empowering. I am not going to worry about what he is thinking, feeling etc. and I dont want to waste anymore of my precious life on that kind of thing. That feels empowering too.

    Here are some things that I have decided. Rules to live by or follow for me….

    If he makes a promise and doesnt keep it. He is not a man of his word and I dont want that in my life.
    DEAL BREAKER. I dont make promises or say things I dont mean and the man that gets to be first place in my life wont either. CHARACTER IS EVERYTHING. Mine and His.

    Words are powerful and they create. They create good and bad. Words with actions are real, words without are not and they all reveals the character of the person speaking them.

    Digging deep, going to my core of believes is where I found my base line. I think I could have saved myself alot of heart ache if I would have stuck to this.

    If a man lies to you he will do it again if you let him. Call him on it. If he ignored you, didnt text back, makes excuses… then he will do it again if you let him… Call him on it. I am finding that if I am going to have what I deserve, need and want in my life I cannot “tolerate” anything like that…. These types of things from now on are DEAL BREAKERS.

    THe tables are turned…. ‘you get to qualify to be with me, not the other way around.” “I get to decide if you are going to be able to get a chance to make me happy”

    The deeper issue here is if he felt like it was okay to lie, ignore, make excuses etc etc… to you in the first place then he just revealed his character…DONE…. see how it works.

    I hid my profile, I am tired of reading emails from men who are, just dabbling. I am tired of being dabbled with. Their mentality easily picked up on within 4 or 5 words. I think the quality of men in my life will go up 100% now… I dont want a fixer up er…. I want a real man who is ready for me… with character that I can respect.

    Maskless…. Linda



  95.  #95Mary Ann on October 31, 2009 at 9:22 am

    Linda that’s wonderful! Those are the exact words I should be saying to myself…I’m going to read them over a bunch of times, hopefully I will mean them for me.

    thanks 🙂



  96.  #96Bethany on October 31, 2009 at 9:50 am

    I feel so sad. Chris said he wishes I would talk more. He says he really likes me and likes that we can laugh about the same things but says he feels he is the only one talking sometimes. I feel so criticized. I have tried to lean back for the past year SO MUCH and it just turns out people criticize me (he’s not the only one) for being too quiet. I feel hurt. I feel angry. I feel embarrassed. I hate it when people say I’m too quiet. If not being in my head means I am too quiet and boring than maybe I will just go back to the head stuff. I can’t be myself because if I’m relaxed and TALKING then I’m in my HEAD. God. Fucking. Damnit. I feel so frustrated. No one cares if I hem and haw around and try to come up with an “I FEEL” in the moment. I feel worthless. I feel like a huge waste of space right now. I feel so angry and criticized and I’m putting my Halloween mask on. I



  97.  #97Bethany on October 31, 2009 at 9:52 am

    I hate feeling criticized. Especially for being quiet. Nothing makes me crazier than being criticized for being quiet or being called “sweet.” It makes me feel like destroying things. I feel like that now. I feel so pissed. I feel devastated. I feel stuck. I feel soooooooo furious. I love my anger. I love



  98.  #98Tina on October 31, 2009 at 10:20 am

    I talked on the phone with a man, he said he has never killed a wild beast lol, um never built a home but likes to drive his mustang in the summer lol. He asked if I was breaking up with him on the phone before we meet. I said no then asked him what type of manly man stuff he did do. He thought about it can said that he is athletic loves to play sports, he does know how to give massages, he took a course while he was in college, ooooooh here we go! 🙂 He did say he likes the sound of my voice and I did hear him snoring softly while I was talking lol, I told him I am not a phone sex operator. Anyway got to get ready for my date with a friend. I feel good, I enjoy his singing and he is kinda funny. Karaoke Halloween! I decided not to play dress up, he is bringing his casanova cape though.



  99.  #99Bethany on October 31, 2009 at 10:40 am

    I said “I feel bad you think I’m quiet” and (oops “you” was in there), and then I finally said, after much hemming and hawing, “I don’t want to be super negative, and I feel bad sharing all the frustration I feel about not doing what I want to do, and so I keep it inside…” and I started crying. I felt super embarrassed. Then he kissed my face and hugged me and we connected. It felt good.



  100.  #100Bethany on October 31, 2009 at 10:43 am

    What feels really incredible is that I was talking to Virginia Feingold Clark (who is amazing) earlier this week about feeling bad about being so quiet and she said people would challenge me about that because I am a mystery and they want to know more about me…she challenged me to let people see more of who I am, and then, Chris brings up the same topic with me a day later. Big message for me: it’s okay to be myself.



  101.  #101Bethany on October 31, 2009 at 10:46 am

    Paula, I liked your post. I feel glad for you that you’re circular dating and that you feel desirable.



  102.  #102Tina on October 31, 2009 at 10:54 am

    I feel it is 100% about me. I hate it when I hear a man say 50/50 lol. It feels manipulative to me. My date today is all about him, he’s just that way lol, he is entertaining. He is becoming one of my male friends I would not be involved with romantically.



  103.  #103Soignée on October 31, 2009 at 11:43 am

    This post speaks so much to me. I worked at a place where my boss asked me to do things more and more, he made my timetable schedules and it seemed to me discriminative. But I did not let him know it. I did not want to disturb the “harmony” between us. And it was incredibly wrong . As I was silent, my anger grew and grew. I accumulated the wrong things he did to me and my reaction as I could finally tell him that he was wrong, was too explosive. It destroyed everything between us.
    It was one of the most important lessons in my life. Expressing also negative feelings, it is the way to save the relationships!!! I can let go the small problems when I speak them up. And they disapper from a great relationship. But if I hold back my anger, my negative feelings, I explode inside and after that outside. So please do not repeat my faults. Speak in a soft way what worries you.
    For example”I do know that you did not want to hurt me. But as you made so…., I felt so… i ask you not to do it next time.”And you have to go out. Not starting a discussion. And after coming back, you have to make a compliment to this person. I learned it. But it was really hard.



  104.  #104Paula on October 31, 2009 at 11:49 am

    Thanks Bethany. I still feel shy about posting here because I don’t often have time to read all the posts and all the comments. I tend to skim read… But I feel like sharing sometimes and I follow some stories.

    I think I’ll ask Mr Frenchman to come and visit me (he can bring his daughter) and see what happens.

    I went for a walk in the park and I took my stranger by the hand and talked to her. She feels very afraid but she relaxed a little when I said I’d take care of her.

    Sometimes, people have misperceptions about me too. They think I’m indepedent and want to be on my own (rather than quiet). It’s not true ‘though. I feel excited to hear more about how you will reveal more of yourself. I feel I have so much to learn here. I feel so great to be learning these new ways of being.



  105.  #105Rori Raye on October 31, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    Katie, Welcome, and Thank you for your lovely comment. Love, Rori



  106.  #106Rori Raye on October 31, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    Katie – the answer is PRACTICE. It’s just so much harder to do my Tools -which are basically REVERSING everything you’ve ever thought or done before! – with a man you care for deeply and are bonded to. That’s why my book and programs teach you how to practice with men you DON’T care about – the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker, the dry cleaner, the box boy, the waiter, the man on the street and at the gym, every man you Circular Date with. When you practice, your vibe changes automatically, and then it’s SO much EASIER to follow your feelings and experience fantastic results. Just give it a few days of 24/7 practice, and I know yu’ll feel better and know how to do this. Love, Rori



  107.  #107Linda on October 31, 2009 at 1:27 pm

    Mary Ann… you are welcome. When I read your post earlier, it inspired me to write down what has been on my heart and mind.

    Character is everything. I want to surround myself with men who’s character creates and espouses a loving, secure environment that leads to commitment.

    We can get mad and hurt all we want. I have had the same thing happen to me. If I saw the last man I was so misled by and promised me so much today, I would get a jolt. I still care for him….but it is deminishing. The longer I am away from him the more I remember and think about what he did do… and not what he said he would do. The truth is, he could have been different if he wanted, he knows better, He just did not so therefore he is disqualified.

    People can have a change of heart, they can behave differently, but pining for that is a disservice to ourselves. The last guy I liked… burnt his last bridge with me with his last email stunt. He is like the boy who cried wolf. All we can do is believe what we see right? THat is what keeps our feet on the ground and our head out of imaginary relationships. I have learned this the painful way.

    Men who want to step up and prove they can occupy the seat of honor next to me are welcome. No more tolerating or accepting words or crumbs. A text here are there, an email etc. The thing is with me, you dont get the best of me on all levels until you earn that place. TRUST is key for me. If it is not there, forever just wont happen.

    HUGS Linda

    I feel sorry for the next women on his hit list… wouldn’t you like to warn her?



  108.  #108alias girl on October 31, 2009 at 1:59 pm

    katie welcome!

    i feel supportive and encouraging. Using feeling messages has changed my life for the better!!!



  109.  #109Bethany on October 31, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    Daria,

    I feel 100% resonance with the Indigo thing you posted…I haven’t had time to read the whole post…WHAT is this about killing a pet frog? I feel pissed at the idea of killing a pet.



  110.  #110Mary Ann on October 31, 2009 at 3:23 pm

    I know I leaned forward but earlier today I sent him another text. It said “When I saw you last night I felt weird and upset and angry. That’s what I should have written”

    He has not responded and didn’t respond to last nights texts either and I don’t know if the leaning forward will negate the feeling message but I feel a bit better getting it out of me.
    Whatever he will not get anything else from me without earning it big time.
    I’m sad for him being so locked up inside of himself. but its not my problem, I’m my problem and I deserve better.
    I’m going to a costume party tonight and I’m dressing as Slash from Guns & Roses..(I have his hair and Slash is my nickname from some people so it will be funny) But I am challenging myself to be in my feminine energy all night while dressed as a man lol!!
    Should be interesting 🙂



  111.  #111Maria on October 31, 2009 at 3:29 pm

    Daria, how cool is that -If you hear a voice within you say ‘You cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced-
    lm still thinking, if some of the voices are quidance voices and some just in my head that needs to be reprogrammed….good link to start with



  112.  #112Rori Raye on October 31, 2009 at 4:41 pm

    Soignee – Brava for your insights! Love, Rori



  113.  #113Rori Raye on October 31, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    Bethany, wow – so much is going on for you, learning so much…Yeah for Bethany exactly as she is!!! Love, Rori



  114.  #114nikita on November 1, 2009 at 8:35 am

    Good Morning 🙂



  115.  #115gina on November 1, 2009 at 1:20 pm

    mornin’ 🙂

    I had a good time with Johnny last night. We had sex for the first tim :0 . I feel fine emotionally, but my guts hurt! I always asked the universe for a well endowed man – I got one and ouch! i’m still hurting and he left seven hours ago! It’s my guts that hurt. It’s a length issue, the girth feels good. I’m sorry for the details, but this is definitely something I want to be able to communicate with him about cause I want sex to feel really good. Sucks cause i like the idea of connecting as deeply as possible, and would want that to translate to sex. but not if it’s going to feel like the equivalent of being kicked in the balls, which according to my Google search, is what this ache is comparable to.



  116.  #116Daria on November 1, 2009 at 4:39 pm

    Lol – Gina overtime (actually maybe even after one time) our Nani’s can stretch or change shape to accomodate.

    Nani’s are Magic that way sometimes hehe



  117.  #117Daria on November 1, 2009 at 4:40 pm

    PS time of the month matters too… mine is always much more accomodating mid month when im ovulating and I wake up desiring sex hehe



  118.  #118gina on November 1, 2009 at 7:49 pm

    wow that’s great news 🙂



  119.  #119gina on November 1, 2009 at 8:08 pm

    hmmm…I’m doing research and finding that a penis that is too long hits the cervix – that’s what’s hurting. I’m not finding info on how the “Nani’s” can stretch in length. Have you had experience with a man who was too long and you eventually adapted?



  120.  #120Daria on November 1, 2009 at 8:34 pm

    Gina – yes. For hurting afterwards

    does it hurt During the sex?

    they can even go past the cervix and that can feel really good hehe. the cervix can be like a lil nose up top and sometimes its more sensitive than others.

    also for me it has depended… sometimes a longer man hurt less than a shorter man etc… very much depends (on what not sure… his angle of thrusting, lots of stuff i suppose)



  121.  #121tinque on November 2, 2009 at 10:04 am

    gina – “I’m doing research and finding that a penis that is too long hits the cervix – ”

    Hitting the cervix is fine and can be very arousing, make lovely profound orgasms.The thing is most women hold inside. The whole vagina often needs to learn to really relax, cervix included. It has to be taught to soften and sort of yawn open. It’s an awesome feeling when it does. Takes some time and deep awareness though.
    My passage is very short, so even a normal size penis hits my cervix. It used to hurt a lot. Now it feels amazing.
    xxoo



  122.  #122Uschi on November 3, 2009 at 9:19 am

    Rori,

    “It takes courage to risk what we know to have what we don’t know. It takes faith to risk what we’re comfortable with to have what we yearn for.”

    This is scary, it is not a baby step at all, and yet is has to be started with those.

    Scary to jump towards the unknown.



  123.  #123Uschi on November 3, 2009 at 10:34 am

    Rori,

    quite a few posts back you had something where it said that a man will say one thing but translated it actually means something else (cant’ find that post to save my life LOL). How do I figure out what he is really saying. Also, I have found that my man is talking very often in feeling messages, like the ones you re teaching us. Yet he told me once that feelings just get in the way of things that need to be said, done or accomplished. This totally confuses me. When I have been using feeling messages it’s almost like he visibly relaxes and even turns his head a bit to hear more or trying to get a better sense and/or understanding of what I am saying and he seems more open to let the message in. I have not been talking about our relationship at all but using the feeling messages in our general conversation about things to learn and get more comfortable in using them. I have not trusted myself yet to use those feeling messages concerning our relationship. Instead I’ve been leaning back and taking care of myself, trying to get in touch with what I feel and trying to search what comes up and writing it into a journal. It is still all so new to me, yet I feel THAT’S IT. When I first came across your site something told me THAT’S IT. Yet I am still a bit afraid of what happens when I tell him how I really feel. It will be a giant leap for me to express my feelings at the moment they come up and to just kind of jump ahead with it.



  124.  #124Michelle on November 6, 2009 at 3:26 pm

    “Devoting our lives to constantly tracking, guessing, analyzing, measuring, trying to change what’s going on in our men’s minds, hearts and bodies is a sad waste of our considerable, wonderful energies. Making him our project is us dismissing who we are — as if who we are is helplessly linked to who he is.”

    WOW!!!!

    This speaks to me SO loudly.

    I do this…I track, guess, analyze, measure and try to figure out the guys every move. I hate being in the dark about things. I would rather know the truth and it be bad then not know and be doing all of those things. I sometimes do things in a rash manor just because I cant take the anticipation or the idea of never knowing whats really going on. It is SUCH a waste of time and energy!

    I need to make myself my project.

    Rori, this has been a great experience. I feel enlightened…and that feels relaxing, soothing and like im making progress in figuring out MYSELF and not a man. I love it!



  125.  #125Mary on November 19, 2009 at 6:43 pm

    Okay. I met him in Vancouver. He told me that he and his wife were “leading separate lives, working on a divorce agreement and that the decision was made.” Remember, SHE filed for divorce. So we had dinner, then breakfast, then went on an afternoon outing, then dinner again, and back to our separate hotels.

    I listened and realized that he has a LONG WAY TO GO before he’ll be available, for anyone. So I became a listening friend. And just watched myself, and tried to understand how I was feeling in the moment.

    He’s a powerful man and probably would make a great husband, but he isn’t available.

    Behind, at home, I left two men in my circular dating cycle. Things came to a head just before I left, and each of these guys found out about each other, and about the old love that I was meeting. Curiously, each was tolerant of the old love – even wished me well – but gave ultimatums about each other. No seeing anyone else! They both want exclusivity.

    I don’t really know what to do, or how to figure out what to do. I love each of these guys and could see myself marrying either one. Probably the catch is the married man, but he’s married. (Not for long, though.) I’d love to be able to keep the two other guys, but circular dating does seem quite selfish to me. It seems like it’s hurting them.

    Does anyone have any ideas? I’d rather not choose anyone right now, and I might even like to date some other guys, too. But I’d like to keep these…

    Love some feedback as to how to do that!

    Mary



  126.  #126jessica on December 10, 2009 at 4:39 pm

    there are things u dont want to happen but u have to accept, there are things u dont want to know but have to learn, there are people u cant live without but have to let go.
    Man oh man, might as well tear my beating heart right up out of my chest. I feel….sad. I feel….alone.
    But wait a darn minute. I felt sad and alone when he was right by my side.
    Is love giving someone the power to break your heart but trusting them not to? What the hell is love anyway.
    You’ll miss me, just U wait!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I want to be the one he points at and says “there she is”
    Not “thats my housekeeper, roomate, nanny, girlfriend” whatevr mood hes in that day.
    He called and talked, said he misses talkin to me. WTF?
    I want you to miss “ME!!!!” U self-centered, self-absorbed A-hole.
    Nothin hurts more than realizing he meant everything to u, but u meant NOTHING to him!
    Letting go is hard, but its easier than holding on to something that isnt there.
    For two years I kept telling myself dont give up when u still have something to give, its never over until the moment u stop trying. Giving up does not mean u are weak, it means u are STRONG enuf to let go !!!!
    Wow, I am getting deep. At least I am not holding it in anymore, tryin to be a TRUE lady. SCREW that!
    Should I tell him any of this? or just keep on-a-ridin that horse?!?!?
    Does it even really matter now to him how I FEEL?!?!
    Is the silent treatment the best avenue?
    He asked why I have been so distant. Should I truly let him have it regardless of the outcome?!?!? I already sleep alone everynite so whatevR.
    PLZ ladies, tell me wat u think!



  127.  #127amyg on May 2, 2010 at 11:12 am

    Thanks Rori. You are so full of love and I am so lucky you share. This was very helpful and soothing. Your blog seems like a wonderful place where we women can love and support eachother. God Bless you!



  128.  #128Amanda on December 17, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    I need some help. I am in love with a guy “friend” (we’ve hooked up several times and I’ve always felt like we were meant to be more than friends), but we’ve never dated. He likes me and has told me that. I have behaved so badly around him lately, I know he will never speak to me again. He has no obligation toward me and I know that in my head, but in my heart he belongs with me. I get so jealous when I see him with another girl, crazy jealous. He actually made out with a girl in front of me last night. I was so furious I walked up to them and told her not to think him kissing her means anything, because it never means anything to him and then I left. I sent him a text saying I am sorry and even though he’s warned me he is an asshole, I never believed him, but now I do. I said I won’t contact him ever again and that I can’t be friends with him because I am kinda in love with him. He hasn’t responded. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve never been such a bitch to someone I like and have never confronted them in a jealous fit like I did. It was just the last straw. I deleted his phone number, deleted/blocked him from FB. What else can I do?



  129.  #129Rori Raye on December 19, 2010 at 11:45 am

    Amanda – This has nothing to do with him. If you’re thinking and acting “crazy” – which you are according to your own letter – get some help to stop doing these things, get some internal balance, and start taking care of yourself. Being a bitch and angry tells me you’re beginning a HEALING phase in your life….and you need help to interpret things in new ways and find better ways to think and speak and act that will serve you. Love, Rori