He’s Not Proposing…Help!

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The Question:

Dear Rori, I have thoroughly enjoyed your Blueprint Commitment and currently am going through your Modern Siren program.

I am reaching out for your assistance. I think I have the non-textbook guy on my hands.

Many of the techniques have worked, but for some reason we aren’t moving to the next level (meaning engagement).

I have been with the same man for a little over 2 years now. We’ve been living together “officially” for almost a half of the relationship. From the moment we met, we were inseparable.

I was spending so much time over his house that we decided it was time to simplify things since we were really getting close. He had talked and hinted about marriage 6 months in so I wasn’t opposed to moving in as I was head over heels for this amazing man.
I have been married before and he has never been married. We both have children. We both have similar business interests. We are a power couple when it comes to business, dreaming, and big plans for the future.

With him being an entrepreneur he is a dreamer to start with. The discussion of marriage comes up often, we’ve identified the wedding location, honeymoon, and talked about it over and over but for some reason every time I think he is going to pop the question he says he is not comfortable and ready yet.

He looks me in the eyes over and over and says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and he wants the same thing, but he doesn’t move as fast I do. He has this timeline that he feels should be followed…date a year…live together a year…and then consider engagement and marriage.

Well….it has been over 2 years and we haven’t quite gotten to that next step. His classic answer is…if we hadn’t argued or talked so much about it by now we would have already been engaged.

He is always quoting statistics and calculating risk and by his own research couples that are together for 3 – 5 years tend to have a lower divorce rate. He said that I am not doing anything wrong, but that it takes him longer than me and that I move quicker than he does.

He feels that he compromised by us moving in together so soon in the relationship as he feels that that is similar to marriage.

He tells me over and over that the less I talk about it the sooner it will happen and that the more I talk about it…the more uncomfortable he feels. I also heard the classic…if you love me you will give me time to feel comfortable about moving forward versus feeling pressure.

I go for periods of time where I am 100% good to go…then I fall apart. On the other hand, everywhere I go, it is marriage marriage marriage… I was just in a wedding, and every time I click on Facebook another friend is getting engaged, married, or attended a wedding.

Every time I see wedding or hear wedding I want to cry. I feel like I have this great guy, we are amazing together, and every time we are out or do something together people ask if we are married, going to get married, or the worst (we travel a lot) are we on our honeymoon.

I get so sad on a deeper level, because I don’t want to play house forever and I am afraid he might always have this “I’m not comfortable” response…worst of all…I can’t bring myself to pretend it doesn’t sadden more or that I won’t talk about it…

I am sabotaging myself!!! Please help!!! “Not-Yet-Married”

My Answer

Dear Not Yet Married – I’ve got an easy fix for you – and it’s basically a turn around in your attitude – plus Circular Dating.

Not “actual” dating – Circular Dating is different –

Where to get specific help: Get Targeting Mr. Right (if you have 2 programs, they’ll (the publishing company, I have no control over them because the programs are licensed to them) upgrade you to ALL the programs for $99 I believe!).

AND – if you can – try one of my coaches. I don’t really coach any more, and you don’t need me, these women are amazing!

Go to the “Ask A Coach” tab here on the blog and click on private coaching, then on Directory of Coaches.

I’d first suggest Adrienne Everheart – because she just got married and knows exactly what you’re dealing with and turned it around herself! www.everheartcoaching.com.

I also have new LIVE Coaching programs in a platform called Rori Raye Love School. All of the live programs will be $250 for 4 weeks, live classes with personal coaching twice a week (8 classes).
Right now, I have “Siren School Gold” that has me coaching you on Facebook and the great coach Helena Hart teaching classes, so it’s more expensive at $549 for each 4 weeks.

I’ll put you on my private list, if that’s okay, so you’ll get notice when new classes come up.

Now my help:

It takes a new way of being (you can learn this fast, especially since you have the programs – and especially when you have someone working with you…) and a plan you can stick to and believe in.

It’s basically the OPPOSITE of what you’re doing now (he’s telling you so!) – and it works fast. It’s an “inner” thing that changes your “vibe” as far as he’s concerned.

The thing is – yu can’t rush a man, push a man, or make demands on a man without incurring damage. It’ll turn him off, and that’s the last thing you want to do.

What you WANT to do is turn him ON!

We all know it does no good to “pressure” a man – But what are WE supposed to do with the urgency WE feel?

And most likely, it’s righteous urgency – we want to have a child while our bodies are in good shape and we have the energy for child rearing.

Or – it’s been awhile and we’re just starting to wonder what’s holding him up? Is he questioning whether we’re the “one”?

So – we have to find a new way to come at this.

First – dig not for the obvious, but for the hidden feelings you have.

It’s obvious that the only reason we want to rush a man is “fear.” I mean, we must be afraid something bad is going to happen if we DON’T rush him and get ourselves all tied in a committed bow NOW.

And – we can’t and don’t want to “change” any feelings we have.

So – why are we afraid? What is it we really want?

For instance “I know I want to have children (or one child) and it would feel amazing to have it and raise it with you, and I feel afraid of getting older without knowing where you see us going together…”

Or “I’m getting my degree in a few months, and begin my job hunt, and I know things will constantly be changing and growing in my career, and it would feel so reassuring and calming to know where you see us going. It would feel great to be engaged before I begin my new job.

Go ahead and “Script” this for yourself and your own circumstances.

As you do this, you may discover that you have no logical reason to want this commitment – NOW!

If her were to ask you – “why the rush” – you might not have an answer – yet, you’d have a FEELING.

So write that down. Whatever it is. Even if it’s not “logical.”

And express THAT to him.

Now, you’re not rushing him – you’re just expressing your feelings about where you are, what you want, and how it feels to want what you want!

Love, Rori

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4 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on July 10, 2017 at 7:52 am

    It just feels like so much heavy lifting and work though. Sometimes I just don’t know,



  2.  #2Needhelp on July 16, 2017 at 3:31 am

    I was dating a guy from last two years. He used to say he wants to marry me. From last 6month he is saying he won’t marry me. And sometimes he says he wanna marry me and love me but he is not in love with me so he has nothing to do with our relationship. And last month when he screamed at me, misbehaved, I blocked him from every social media . and I didn’t hear from him.
    Yeah but he messaged me last week and reminded me about our some pending work. We have some pending work to wind up so we are going to meet one last time.
    I really need your help. I want to make this meeting amazing so he will fall in love with me again. He will start following me.
    Because I really want him back. I do not want to chase him. I want him to chase me this time.

    Regards
    Needhelp



  3.  #3Abby on July 17, 2017 at 6:30 am

    I have empathy for the writer above…i am in similar situation where I would like us to move forward. How do you assert your standards and also lean back? How do i not “do” things like laundry and cook and dress up in lingerie without it looking like I don’t care? I don’t get how this motivates him to be better? …i want to move in and I want it to come from him…help!



  4.  #4Shahrzad on August 4, 2017 at 3:43 pm

    Oh my goodness – I remember feeling the EXACT same thing last year. When my relationship was FANTASTIC but he just wasn’t proposing. The more I stressed over it in my head, it felt like the ring slipped farther away form my reach.

    It took some practice, but as I stopped obsessing about it (and consequently I stopped rushing him) I became so much more relaxed around him. I was able to be actually present with him and enjoy NOT being engaged to him! Using the feeling messages worked like magic and then BAM, it happened 🙂

    I’ve got my beautiful ring, and the most glorious engagement party! <3