He’s Staying Over At His Ex-Girlfriend’s House – What To Do…

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Here’s a piece of a comment from Roxanne  (you can read her whole comment here: )

“Rori, I have been in a relationship for over 2 yrs now. He loves me, treats me like a queen. Made commitments to me but continues to sleep over at his x girlfriends saying she is just a x and is doing secretary work only. They split over 4 yrs ago he lives out of town…So when here he stays with me 8-15 nites a month and then he also sleeps at her place when not with me. I feel like musical beds…He says he does not sleep with her or have sex but I question this. He does tell me he loves me not something he tells others…

(Note from Rori – at this point,    accepted a simple date with another man, and her man got angry…)

“I made a comment that he was free to do as he wanted – he was a free bird and so was I. If he wanted musical beds then so be it. But I would not clip his wings and I too am free…He left here angry an stomped out…Was this wrong or the dating thing since he had committed to me and we had discussed our relationship prior and I did explain to him I was confused and I needed him to help me understand his need to still sleep over there…when I am just less then a few blocks away… Did I make a mistake to try to date?

Here’s my answer:

Roxanne, the first thing I want to tweak seriously here is the order of things: 

If you’ve “agreed” to “Exclusivity,” if you’re already IN the “Girlfriend Trap” – you have to TALK first, then date.

If you HAVEN’T officially made a commitment to exclusivity – you can date first, and THEN talk.

You’ve allowed your frustration and anger (justified, yes) to run you, here.

What you have is a man who is not ready to “commit” – if commitment means to you living in the same house, perhaps even married.

Therefore – it’s an absolute TRAP for you to commit to ANY kind of exclusivity other than sexual – if that’s what you want (many women don’t require that – but that’s not me, and I don’t know too many women who could thrive in a non-exclusive sexual relationship – but I do know several, each quite amazing and unusual, yet I know it wouldn’t work for me).

You must Circular Date until you have the exact commitment you DO want.  And clearly, you don’t have the commitment you want.

Now – under your current “contract” – he’s got you as a steady girlfriend – whenever he wants you, and he can hang out with his “friend” whenever he wants to.

There’s not a man on the planet who doesn’t know what “commitment” means – it means living with YOU, not in two or three separate places – and he’s not at that stage yet.

The thing is – you can’t DATE other men out of spite.  You can’t do it to get back at him, or to ASSERT your “freedom.”  You do it for you.  So that YOU feel sane, like you’re not waiting around.  So you feel strong enough to be VERY SOFT when he DOES show up.  In other words, so you’re not ANGRY with him for living his life the way he wants to live his life right now.

If you’re angry and resentful – it’s not because of what HE’S doing – it’s because you feel you’re compromising yourself, you feel stuck, you feel like you’re committing too much of your heart and time and energy to him and not getting it in return.  It’s very important to “match” a man at the very most.  the moment you start doing and feeling MORE – you’re going to feel angry and resentful.

So – this is something you’re in control of.  Where you focus, and how you treat yourself.  If you treat yourself wonderfully, you can feel open and loving with him, and that’s what you want.

HOWEVER – you DID make the exclusivity commitment – so if you’re going to break it – and you already have, and you MUST – this is how you do it (and then I’ll tell you what to do now…):

1. You Date Yourself.  Get dressed up and go out where there are men and –

2. Flirt.  Smile, hold eyecontact, practice leaning back and Receiving.

So – you can STILL do those NOW.  And I want you to go out and do that.  It’s not about HIM – it’s to make YOU feel better, stronger, more attractive. And then –

3. You TALK to your man. Share that you’re feeling unsettled, and you know things are off and that you’ve upset him by dating, and that you feel upset and angry about where the relationship is at, and is he open to talking about it now.  (And if not now, make an appointment.)

Share that you’re “looking for the whole enchilada – that it would feel great to live with him all the time, and that until he’s ready to move out of his ex-girlfriend’s house, you’d like to keep all yur options open.”

He’ll say – “But I’m not DOING anything with her – she’s just a friend – and it’s my office” -he’ll go on and on making no sense at all to you, but perfect sense to him.

You say: “I hear you.  I hear that you love me and want to be with me, and that this living arrangement is very convenient for you, and I understand.  And what I want is a relationship where we live together, go to bed together every night, wake up together every morning, and spend our free time with each other.  I don’t want another woman in the picture. I understand that this isn’t where you’re at right now, and you’re entitled to have things the way you want. And yet, it doesn’t feel good to me to be exclusive with you under these circumstances.  I would NEVER sleep with or have sex with anyone but you, and I’m trusting that you aren’t, as you say you aren’t sleeping with (ex-girlfriend’s name here) or anyone else – and yet, I need to keep my options open for coffee dates and lunch dates, even dinner dates – so that if there’s a man out there who’d like what I want, he can find me. It just doesn’t feel good to WAIT for you in this way.”

And that’s a “Speech” – you do it one sentence at a time, and listen to him in-between your sentences – REALLY listen, at Level 2 (Listening at Level 2 is in my ebook) when he speaks.

After you get this straight, you may feel sad if he doesn’t step up right away (give him time) – but you won’t feel angry.

Your anger isn’t becasue of what he’s doing, it’s because of what YOU’RE tolerating and the effort YOU are putting out.

Please let me know if you’re in this same situation as Roxanne, I’ll reply to your comments as well.

Roxanne – try this, let me know how it works – even if all you do is just CONSIDER doing this and practice putting together a Speech.

Love, Rori






  1.  #1alias girl on October 6, 2008 at 6:15 pm

    i don’t understand how you are so smart, rori. all your tools and advice and suggestions feel so right on. And yet it’s scary. baby step by baby step. it’s scary to think i might lose the one i really want because he can’t/won’t step up. it’s also scary to possibly get what i really want (from him or a new man). i have new men really wanting to treat me nice and it is scary. i’m not kidding. i crawled under my bed last night because i felt so out of control and scared. at least it felt safe under my bed. i mean i crawled back out after a minute of crying but oh ok feeling like a crazy person here. but it made me realize how powerful feelings can be sometimes. i see now and have more compassion for men when they just shut down their feelings or are reluctant to get involved right away. because if it’s scary for me—-who has a lot more tools and support…how scary it must be for a man—who has no tools and no support—for dealing or processing his feelings. i am grateful for this process. also i am feeling a little greedy. 🙂 I want big changes in all areas of my life RIGHT NOW!!!

  2.  #2Daria on October 6, 2008 at 11:01 pm

    Ditto on feeling greedy! Hehehe…
    Thank you Rori. The speech plan you laid out was very helpful… and clarified a lot for me…

  3.  #3Chloe on October 7, 2008 at 9:36 am

    Wow–this is powerful: “After you get this straight, you may feel sad if he doesn’t step up right away (give him time) – but you won’t feel angry.

    Your anger isn’t becasue of what he’s doing, it’s because of what YOU’RE tolerating and the effort YOU are putting out.”

    I can’t believe how often I stuff what I’m really feeling with my boyfriend and just go along because I am afraid I will feel sad! Which always makes me mad at myself and leads me to feeling sad anyway, along with anger at myself.

    Thank you so much for this blog–I have spent the last hour reading and learning.

  4.  #4Roxanne on October 16, 2008 at 9:44 pm

    rori and all who comment on this.. i have not heard a word since he left 12 days ago.. i feel he is contimplating our conversations. i had to call him on a problem i had with one of his tools,other then that our conversation was wonderful but i have not returned a call at all to him and i have not heard from him.I thought he may be here next week but i do not know for sure since i have not heard from him at all. but i do love your speach you wrote for me to practice on and i do intend to do this.. because it does not feel good to me to not hear from him as well as tolerateing myself for just sitting back while he bounces back an forth. i have been dating myself still only more so not just in the Hardware stores but in restaurants an bars and going out with friends and thier men friends as a tagalong.. that is ok but i also get to meet more men and i do talk to them and practice your tools of eye contact.i am involved in my art work and other things but i long for him my heart hurts when i am not with him or feel close in spirit with him. perhaps i have closed this connection in fear of my own pain of sitting back i do not know but this heart opening tool i use to keep my heart open is in the proccess of trying to keep my options open. It is expensive to treat myself all the time but i am doing my best. I ALSO FOUND some new tools you may want to reccommend one is not just love your self an your own feelings but go ahead and love the other person too keep the love connection open all the way.. liking is ok.. My trouble is i do not really want to be with another man in a open relationship but the one i love. i am finding it hard really hard to let another man kiss or touch me.. that feels icky.. but to just talk and eat with or say hi too and feel conversations out is ok. but the actually DATE that is icky feeling. that deos not feel good to me to do this.. So the baby steps well at this point i will just keep the options open on just talking an eating or having a glass of wine with .. and off home alone..now maybe after my converstaion with him when he returns when ever may change my mind i do not know. but the going back an forth from me to the x just is not a good feeling to me. am i wrong to call it musical beds? even if he is supposedly not sleeping with her ot touching her? I just do not like it any longer and i really feel your right he just is doing what makes him content and is easy for him because of past habits… and he is used to having his way. I do not know but i do not depend onhim for any monetary financial means what so ever. i live in my own means as the others have always been after him for his money and they need his support and have tolerated his back an forth for it to use him .. i do not an never will..HE WOULD LIKE ME TO ACCEPT HIS MONEY and let him help me out but i won’t.. Is this perhaps a issue i do not understand..Is his money his power he uses and wants to use over women? i do not know but i have always been independent and now i just do not know how to let his money contribute. or ask him if i am low.. does this sound famillure?do other women have these issues? Is money like physical duties? you should let men do?

  5.  #5Cecilia on April 15, 2009 at 12:56 pm

    Hi Rori,

    You’re new to me but oh so wonderful…so many things you say resonate with me.

    I separated from my ex-husband 8 years ago (just grew apart after 20 years together). For the past three years I was seeing a man off and on and we just broke up again a month ago. I still love and care for him a lot and he feels the same. We have great sex and lots of fun together but he blames me for things that he should take responsibility for himself and when we have issues, he’s a runner and heads for the door without trying to sort things out. And he can’t/won’t commit, tells me I’m not the one and wants to just be friends…all this while still telling me he loves me, cares about me and still finds me attractive.

    Confused? I am! But, honoring his words. We got together last weekend and had a wonderful time…walks, talks, laughter, (great) sex…and at the end of it, I was a little sad, but left, knowing that I had entered into the meeting with the knowledge that nothing had changed for him, that this was just to be what it was, enjoying the moment and then each carrying on in our own separate lives (we live in different cities about an hour apart). He still calls and texts me, though not as often as when we were “together”, talking every night and seeing each other every weekend.

    Two things I got from this blog: one is that I will ask for and give sexual exclusivity. When that changes for either of us, we will have to renegotiate.

    The other thing you said that really (REALLY) hit home for me was:

    “Your anger isn’t because of what he’s doing, it’s because of what YOU’RE tolerating and the effort YOU are putting out.”


    I WAS angry at him for what I was letting him get away with! And I was angry at him for the effort I was putting out and not getting in return!

    Now (as in last night when we spoke for the first time since the amazing weekend) I am happy to hear from him. Very “soft”. I still love and care for him and yes, I’m still crazy about his body, but I will date myself for a while and see what comes next. Flirting maybe.

    And maybe he won’t ever be the guy for me. I’m okay with that. And I’m also okay and open to it being another guy for me. One who wants to give me what I want. One who can match me in giving.

    Please comment if you want Rori. I will keep reading and maybe one day I will be a percentage as smart as you. You are invaluable!

    I thank you sincerely!


  6.  #6Bj on May 19, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    This article helped me so much as i have been going through similar situation. My boyfriend spends the night as his ex’s says it’s for the kids and when i told him i wasn’t comfortable with that, he told me that was the way it was going to be then told me to deal with it. I kicked him to the curb and have been getting out and meeting ppl. He knocks on my door alot begging me back. That hasn’t worked so now he says he’s gonna give me some time cuz he loves me and misses me. Thanks

  7.  #7teishla on June 18, 2009 at 6:57 pm

    Wow! I am glad to have come across this site. My heart goes out to all of you as I am also going through a similar sitiation.

    I have been with mine for 8 months, but my instincts tell me he is with me for the convenience of it all. I am so confused I walk around with a lump in my throght constantly. Where do i begin? He and I dated 5 yrs ago, just briefly. For employment reasons he moved to Europe. We kepted in contact via email but they were brief, hi and by. He gets fired. So back to Dads house. He contacts me and within a couple of months we had agreed that he could stay at my house. Keep in mind we are sleeping together by this time. Once under the same roof. I noticed he was chatting online w/ multiple women and just plain ignored me. My anger started to build slowly from there. One day, I had full access to his laptop and all his passwords were presaved. I know it is unethical for what i did but i had to find out what was more important then me. I come to find out that he was trying to reconnect to his ex girlfriend. They were together for about 1 yr prior and she ended up leaving with out giving him a real reason but kepted stringing him along. so now i have this guy, in my house for convenience and trying to get ex girlfriend to give him the go but meanwhile sleeping w/ me and doing the minimal to keep me happy. I confronted him, he did not deny that he still had feelings for her etc. But that he really wanted to be w/ me and not her. so i stated what i needed and what i would not tolerate and we gave the relationship another try. Ever since, 8 months later, he still talked to her on the internet up to 2 months ago and looks her up. And my heart tells me that if this girl would give him the time of day. I Would definetly be out of the picture. He says he loves me a lot but ladies, please how come his actions do not add up to his words? It is killing me inside. A kiss does not lie. It feels like he avoids me for the most part. Guys flirt w/ me and he thinks its comical. However, he would do anything for me when it comes to material things. Just not love. He says he is slightly depressed bc of being unemployed. For the most part he has an excuse for his lack of passion and love for me. I Never had his attention from day one. But now, i feel guilty for even thinking of kicking him out. I am stuck. Sometime i wish i didn’t have to come home, for fear that i would explode in anger. I just want love and he tries bc i have the “talk” Rory speaks about, but i can’t help myself. Help!!!!

  8.  #8Rori Raye on June 20, 2009 at 8:43 pm

    Teishla, Welcome, and thank yuo for your comment, and I’m so sorry you find yourself in this awful situation. What I will tell you, and what I’m sure everyone else will tell you (though I get to say it out loud, straight, with my “guru” voice – and I’ve made a rule that everyone else has to say it in feeling words about how your letter makes them feel…) is that if this were me, or my daughter, or dear friend, I would tell her “This is just wrong for you, and you need to throw him out.”

    And – I know it’s a shock to hear this straight out. Ask yourself this for starters: Is this all you’re worth? I so hope the answer is “No – I’m worthy of a man who loves me and makes me FEEL loved.”

    Forget trying to figure him out. If YOU feel like a convenience, then you are. If he’s talking to his ex, then you are second-best. Send him out. Send him packing. And while he’s packing up and finding a new place to live – DATE OTHER MEN. And yes, he’s free to date, also. I know this is huge, please work toward it. Love, Rori

  9.  #9Stell on June 23, 2009 at 12:43 pm

    Rori I like the simple – non – wordiness of your statement.

    “Forget trying to figure him out”

    I love the chutzpah you encourage and model for us here on the blog.

    Another thought:
    The circular dating thing is hard for me. To make it work, I feel like I should be unfeeling. I believe dating should be about finding out if you can have feelings for another. I don’t see how one can either keep dating or get married/achieve exclusivity. Isn’t it beneficial for us to not get into a wife-trap until we have practiced exclusivity with a man and stopped dating others?

    Can you please clarify?

  10.  #10teishla on February 24, 2010 at 10:52 am

    Thank you so much Rory! I threw him out at the begining of the year. Everything I was feeling was right, he tried to get back with her but she didn’t want him. He proved me right! He sent me a few emails after that but I was not impressed by them. He mainly was apologetic more then anything. It’s almost like he is relieved as well. Now my struggles are in setting solid boundaries for myself. I have put my foot forward with circular dating however, it may be with the wrong people. My ex husband popped out after 3 yrs. My mentality towards him is for experimental causes however, i find it hard to implement certain things like playing hard to get. He textes all the time and I feel that if i do not responde he will think I am upset. I don’t want him to think I am upset. I want him to wonder because I am busy. I am nonchalant about a lot and I am using my feelings messages. He ask me questions about our past marriage and I answered them honestly. I believe he thinks he still has me there at his bekon call, when he wants too. How can i switch this around? thank again you are all wonderful!

  11.  #11teishla on February 24, 2010 at 10:54 am

    Oh I forgot to mention. He has a girlfriend but he says he loves me bc I am the one. And that he is using his gf bc she lives closer to his job and its convenient. what is it w/ these men and using women?

  12.  #12teishla on February 28, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    ok. my husband is has pulled back. one, i slept with him, two I expressed my feelings few days later bc I was feeling sad. I am not liking how I feel now that I have slepted w/ him and how he seems not so interested. What happened here?

  13.  #13Rori Raye on March 2, 2010 at 8:02 pm

    Teishla, Welcome – and it’s so hard to know how to help you without more of your story….Love, Rori

  14.  #14la la land on April 6, 2010 at 12:07 am

    we have been together for 17 years
    we were close to divorcing last summer till i met ror’s tool.
    things changed and we were in a safe stable place for a wile.
    but then he is surrounded with girlfriends at work and online and here he wanted to invite one home.
    i guess i felt trapped in the situation so i decided to invite my friends as well to keep me company in the same time.
    this blew in my face in a very harsh way.
    now he sais that all the good we found this last months is because i memorized your tool but hadnt opened my heart.
    he used my own analyzes on my self on how i was disconnected from my feelings against me.
    he was so mean to me i canceled my friends and went through seeing him adoring his girlfriend and making as if this is normal social life, as he claim.
    after, i blamed him for being so cruel that i canceled my friends. he flipped out on me, he almost broke my finger.
    i can see how i wronged him, turned my fears into reality and how i drove him away from me to a situation we are now regressing to the divorce point again.
    the thing is he is High Degree Of Difficulty, and im not.
    he says he feels used and very hurt. i see him he is very hurt, but he talkes about it with another grlfriend online. this makes me feel bad. but then he claims i want to close him away from the world.
    he ets very angry if i say we both did our best. he feels he did good and i did bad. he feels i ignored all his gifts etc..[again using my analysis against me]. he says our only redemption is if i take care of myself, my fears, my career etc. but all the bad is my doing and all the good is his doing. can this be truth? am i toxic ?

  15.  #15la la land on April 6, 2010 at 4:12 pm

    here is an update from today’s talk:

    1. i need to be less scared. im paralyzed.
    2. exclusivity is not a black and white thing [ he says]. its complex.
    3. he says we are different people so we cant apply the same rules on both of us.

    what do u make of my situation? i cant see clear

  16.  #16Julie on June 29, 2010 at 9:50 am

    I have a boyfriend for one year now, which I think is scared of commitment too. He live in Michigan 6 mo and Florida other 6 mo. We have a good relationship while he is in Michigan and spend a lot of time together, but when he is down in Florida he has an ex-girlfriend who stops buy and has dinner with him. Last year she came to Michigan for his birthday and stayed it his house while he slept on the sofa. He ask me if it was ok for her to visit, but didn’t tell me he slept with her a couple of years ago until she was already visiting. This made me mad. She called him on father day to talk, which make me anger and he know it does. I tell him I don’t like her calling, but he says she is just a friend. We get in arguement about her everytime she calls to talk. He tells me not to worry, that I am his girlfriend not her. What do I do with this relationship?

  17.  #17Rori Raye on June 29, 2010 at 10:06 am

    Julie – you’re going to need to choose – either your man can have female friends and you are fine with it, or he can’t. I’m a woman who doesn’t want that in her life – but many, many women can handle it just fine. The problem is not this woman – it’s the long distance. You can’t possibly have a meaningful or exclusive relationship with this kind of distance. That’s what needs to be worked out. Love, Rori

  18.  #18marie on July 2, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    thank you for all that you posted, they are such a great help.
    my case is this. when i was 14, i had a boyfriend for 8yrs, yet we were separated for getting another girl pregnant but they are never married. after 11yrs he came back and i accepted him (this happened only thru internet bcz we are miles apart, he is in dubai and i am in new york). before he went abroad, he had a 2-week relationship with another girl who is living in canada.but he broke up with her long before he courted me again.
    for 3months our relationship went out so fine and even to the point of planning for our marriage this december.we were engaged. suddenly everything went wrong, he started to have no time for me, doesnt answer my calls or doesnt even call. we still chatted every night bt the long hours turned into 20-30minutes.he just let me feel his coldness, always busy,always making excuses and very coped up with many activities. i almost begged for his time, i was so depressed, unhappy and scared. i asked him many times whats wrong and what it is that he wanted.ive got no answer or sometimes we ended up fighting each other. last month, he confessed me he has a relationship with his ex (the one in canada).he told me he doesnt love the girl, its just that this girl is asking him to be there for her cz she is suffering from cancer.my fiancee cant say NO bcz this girl has helped him financially so he can go abroad.i was so angry, devastated and depressed.we still talked on the net for few weeks though i felt hurt everytime we did bcz he still have many excuses.lately, ive decided to cut off all the communications, he sent me messages still and convincing me to pursue our wedding this december.and yet i said YES despite the fact that everytime we chatted, he still doesnt have much time for me. i felt i dont get what i wanted for a relationship.i felt the pain bcz i know, they are still going on with the other lady and i felt he has more attention, care and time with her.
    i dont know RORI, what will i do? i am very confused. i still wanted to pursue the plans but i just dont know why he keep making excuses and acting as if he doesnt care for me at all.i felt like he is happier with the other girl than with me.but i also felt that he is sincere everytime he tells me that he loves me and he wanted to marry me.please help me rori.will i finally let go and end up with him or go on with this situation until the time we get married? whats the right language and speech will i say to him? whats the best thing to do so his affection and care for me will come back?
    thank u very much..GODBLESS!!

  19.  #19Rori Raye on July 3, 2010 at 9:27 am

    Marie – Welcome, and I don’t like this man’s behavior. Long Distance is hard enough. Please get my ebook, and then Targeting Mr. Right and Circular Date and heal what it is inside you that is willing to share your man with another woman like this, and not enough time for you…Love, Rori

  20.  #20Dee on July 19, 2010 at 11:31 am

    Rori, this situation is very similar for me except for the fact that my boyfriend and I have an almost two-year-old daughter. He seems to think that it is ok for him to hang out with a neighbor that he has previously been intimate with. Their daughters are friends and I found out recently that this woman would love to have more of my man! Imagine that! It has been such a roller coaster for me with him fading in and out of the relationship. We recently spent a wonderful week together with all of our children, celebrating birthdays and talking marriage only for him to do a 180 at the end of the week. I found out that he did see his neighbor not once but on two different nights. I love him and I know that he loves me and our daughter but I also know that he is in no way ready to make a commitment. After all we are going on three years of this next month. I am tired of being sad and just started to read your ebook which I am really enjoying. Please if you have any other advice I would greatly appreciate it.

  21.  #21Rori Raye on July 23, 2010 at 12:33 am

    Dee, Welcome, and I so wish you could get rid of the “boyfriend” thing and feel more independent without arguing with him. Use my Tools and see how shifting your own behavior and way of thinking might change things…Love, Rori

  22.  #22Annie on October 25, 2010 at 8:00 am

    Rori, I was seeing someone who I had a strong connection with many years ago.

    Came back into my life, pursued me and I fell big time al over again for him, never felt such a connection with anyone else.

    Went to end it as he would blow hot and cold which i couldn’t handle.
    Would say all the right things and I would see him and have an amazing time
    But afterwards he would go cold on me.
    I went to end it telling him that I wasn’t able to be intimate with someone who didn’t love me.
    He then stated he did love me but that he was scared to show how much as he was scared where it may lead and I wouldn’t want to ever let go.

    He told me he was gutted that I wanted to end it.
    I melted and carried on seeing him and he still continues to blow hot and cold which I just could not cope with.
    I bonded so strongly that it was torture when he ignored me after seeing him.

    I was a fool at his beck and call waiting around but I know that he loved me from the way he looked at me when we were together.
    Commitment phobic.

    I am ashamed to say that neither of us were really available as we both are with other people.
    He admitted that he lives with his girlfriend out of convenience, claiming he didn’t sleep with her since we had been together.
    I wrote him a long e mail poured my heart out telling him I wouldn’t be with someone who ignored me when they felt like it, so it is over.

    Felt totally devastated but knew I had to regain some power and self esteem.

    He now rubs it in my face that he is with and spending lovey dovey time with his girlfriend trying to make me jealous.

    I just feel so confused.
    Why try and make me jealous and punish me by ignoring me if he doesn’t care.

    confused, although I do realise I made myself lower status by being at his beck and call and pouring my heart out.

    Went overboard expressing my feelings.
    Oh well. what’s done is done, Cest la vie.
    Just so f hard when I allowed myself to be in the moment, give my all and become so attached.

    Silly foolish selfish girl.

  23.  #23Rori Raye on October 25, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    Annie, Welcome – and can you be more gentle and loving with yourself? Seems to me you did brilliantly – and all that you need to do now is get your self-esteem and balance back again – Circular Dating is your Tool, and you’ll want to start with the ebook Have The Relationship You Want (it’s over in the sidebar) if you don’t already have it. You aren’t selfish, and you may have made mistakes (we all do – everyday…) – get the life you want now – and let’s see what this man does! Love, Rori

  24.  #24Annie on October 26, 2010 at 5:44 am

    Thank You Rori.
    I know I am in self protection mode now all my barriers have come up.
    Feel like I have wrapped a cloak around myself with a hood on and only my eyes peeping out.

    Feel like my trust has been broken but then again I was the one who jumped in feet first.
    He told me he would never reject me after I told him that was my biggest fear and why i held back and didn’t like to initiate.
    I foolishly believed him.
    Every time he ignored me afterwards I felt rejected.

    I know it sounds dramatic but it does feel like my insides have been ripped out and the grief is at times torture.
    Like a bereavement, when I say this my head tells me that’s nuts and to get a grip.

    What I don’t know is what to do if he does decide to initiate contact be open and warm because I love him from the very core of me.
    Or to let go completely for ever and hope time will heal.

  25.  #25Annie on October 28, 2010 at 1:29 am

    Well latest, he contacted me two days ago apologised for being an ass and an idiot.

    I was open had a fun time chatting.

    Then yesterday he pursued me more.
    Said he was no longer scared but the the reason ouch!!!!!!
    As he thought by now I would no longer feel so attached.
    Well his words were actually worse than that.

    Re-iterated that I am an all or nothing girl and need love and commitment.
    And I will not no longer be at his beck and call for sex however hot.

    He tried and tried and tried to get me over to his houses I said no and went out.
    Later he tried to turn me on whilst chatting.
    I was not turned on I was deeply hurt and sad as he had told me he just missed the sex and wished I just wanted the same as him.

    I told him I respected his honesty and thanked him for being honest and told him I felt sad, hurt and foolish that I had believed him when he told me he wanted an emotional connection with me and that there was love there.
    And here he was now telling me that it was just sex to him.
    Gosh I was just a Kleenex.

    He was still trying to turn me on I told him it wasn’t turning me on and it felt really really bad for me.
    So his final words were catch you later.
    God it felt horrible.
    I feel shit shit shit!!!!

    I suppose at least I know.
    Although still confused as to why say he felt love and wanted emotion in the first place.
    And now don’t trust my own eyes anymore.
    God did I imagine the love in his eyes when he looked at me?
    Must have I suppose.

  26.  #26Annie on November 3, 2010 at 3:33 am

    God I feel so confused.
    How can someone say they feel lost without you one minute and pursue you tell you they are not afraid of an emotional connection wont reject you have love for you are back for good now etc.

    And then ignore you for days after being intimate treat you like you are last on their list of prioritises.
    Then when you pull them up about this and state you wont do this anymore they say sorry for being a jerk
    and then tell you they miss the sex and wish you just wanted the sex with them without the other stuff.

    Fuck I was so stupid stupid stupid to believe them

  27.  #27Annie on November 3, 2010 at 3:34 am

    ;( 🙁 🙁

  28.  #28Rori Raye on November 4, 2010 at 10:54 am

    Annie – You weren’t stupid, and he wasn’t bad. Men are at the mercy of their hormones, just like we are – and they are so complex and overpowering that those hormones make him feel, and believe, down to his toes, that he LOVES you – and then when the hormones pass – he doesn’t feel it. That’s why real love takes time, takes endurance, takes building moments together. Love, Rori

  29.  #29Annie on November 6, 2010 at 4:18 am

    Thanks Rori,
    It’s so complicated.
    And very very scary to be strong enough inside to stick to my guns and not give in to those raging hormones.

  30.  #30Annie on November 9, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    Rori, I just wanted to say thank you.
    I am now at a much better non addicted state and feeling really good.

    Having fun again, it’s great when I go out and have company.

    Home alone is still hard at times, but I am getting me back.

    Thank you Rori. 🙂

  31.  #31Annie on November 18, 2010 at 3:31 am

    Just when you are getting yourself back, they show up again.
    Oh how so hard to be strong on the inside when you feel so much for that one person.
    And so very hard to know just to call it a day and say goodbye forever. 🙁
    The confusion: 🙁
    How can someone tell you they can’t give you commitment but still want to see you and talk to you be your friend and want casual sex as much as possible but only with you ; even though you tell them you are not doing casual sex.

    God i just don’t get it
    One minute I think i get it and the next I don’t
    Feeling very confused and very very sad.

  32.  #32Corrine Egan on November 18, 2010 at 3:34 am

    Dear Rori
    I am unsure what I should do. I have been with my current boyfriend for nearly 5 years. We are both 50 years old. We live in seperate towns, and see each other once a fortnight, because of the distance; taking it in turns to visit each others homes. my boyrfriend runs a small Regency Dance group of about 10 to 12 members.

    My difficulty is, that I have discovered that my he is taking a 24 year old, recently married female dance group member, to a Regency Ball soon, and that they will be staying over and sleeping in the same hotel room, to cut down on cost. He assures me that he loves me and that there is nothing going on, and that they are just friends. However, I feel very uncomfortable about this arrangement.

    Can you advise?

  33.  #33Rori Raye on November 19, 2010 at 9:54 am

    Corrine, You have so much more to be concerned about than this girl. Why are you living separately? This is not sustainable! The girl won’t have any long-term interest in him – don’t be concerned…This is a coaching moment – can you find a life coach to help you get closer logistically to this man? Love, Rori

  34.  #34Corrine on November 19, 2010 at 11:40 am

    Thank you for your prompt response, Rori.
    However, there is a lot more to it, and I had better not go into too much detail so publically.

    I have attempted to order your CD/DVD package, but the site would not recognize my debit card, even though it denotes that debit cards may be used. It asks me to select one of four types of credit cards only. Can you assist?

  35.  #35Rori Raye on November 21, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    Hi, Corrinne – write to support@havetherelationshipyouwant.com and/or Rori@havetherelationshipyouwant.com and you’ll get customer service. There’s also a chat line you can get to from the main site havetherelationshipyouwant.com (and lots of articles) – they’ll help you figure out a way to purchase…Love, Rori

  36.  #36Kay on March 3, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    I have been dating a wonderful vibrant man for 3 years. We lived together at first but I moved out because we didn’t get along. Maybe too fast for that, not sure. But we began dating again and doing great. He has a best friend whose daughter is getting divorced, much younger than both of us (I am 54, he is 67 and girl is 35) who moved back in with her parents. He has been texting her regularly. When I confronted him he said he really likes her, they are just friends, and they would all laugh at my concerns, that the thought is ridiculous. I want to know what you think please if this ok.

  37.  #37nancy on March 4, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    hi Rori Raye! i really enjoyed your site and you are doing a good job by helping people repair their relationships. i’m a Nigerian, could you also help me in my relationship

  38.  #38Bella on March 28, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    Hi Rori, I have a similar problem… except the only difference in my situation is my boyfriend who fell on hard times after moving out of his ex girlfriends house moved in with his mom, and she recently kicked him out. He then told me that he had no other choice but to move back in with his ex. Being there we are not allowed to have any contact with each other. I can not call him or even text him to hide me from her. It has only been a week and I barely see or talk to him. He says that nothing is going on with them but I just don’t believe that if he has to hide me that nothing is going on. I have suggested looking for a apartment together and he says yes lets do that, but when it comes time to go look he always has some kind of excuse. He tells me he loves me, or sneaks me a text while at her house saying hi and to respond back quick and then he turns his phone back off. I don’t want to have to let him go because I do really care for him, but I feel like that is my only choice at this point. So frustrating!!!

  39.  #39Christy on April 7, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    Wow! I am 50 years old and my boyfriend is 70 years old–He is recently divorced—only two months—which is how long we have been going out.This man talks about his ex-wife a lot. He talks a lot about his past–things he hasn’t even told his ex. The latest with him is this: he wants me to meet his ex at his birthday party, which is being hosted by his ex-wife and his grown children. When he asked me he said that she said that ‘your girlfriend is going to have to get me a glass of water if I’m sitting down since I’m the first and the oldest (she’s only older by 9 years)—and then he topped that comment with this one: the ex said, “I’ll do anything with her but have a threesome” I was appalled and stated so and all he could say to her was “yes, she’ll get you something to drink” and to the other comment—he said that she was trying to make a joke. I didn’t take it as a joke. It is crude and ill-mannered, in my opinion. Besides that, I think that since he answered for me—this clearly shows he know s nothing about me. I don’t fetch…and I would definitely do the choosing in a threesome, if I were to have one. Can you believe this? Also some background: when we first started dating, he told me that they hadn’t settled community property because of the housing market, which I would wait,too, but what bothers me is that he said because of this situation, he can’t stop her from ever coming to that house and she could never stop him from going to the house in which she lives. I didn’t care—he told me this on the 2nd date, I believe. Then he told me that she he would be upset if she had sex with a man–even though they are divorced, because he says that she only had sex with him, since they were married—which is 45 years. Then he tells me that she is going to come for the weekend to go fishing, because they used to go fishing together when they were married, and when she comes, she’ll be sleeping over in his bed. And he told me that the ex even said, “won’t your girlfriend get mad that I’m sleeping in your bed” This was the first time he answered for me by saying, “why would she mind–we slept in the bed for 40 years…..” But when I told him I thought it was strange, he wanted to know why. I told him that the 40 years they slept together, they were having sex. I didn’t respond with anger or hurt feelings–I really just took it all in. He then said that he was surprised by my attitude because if I presented him with that scenario, he’d would be upset. What a cad!!!

    So getting back to this meet—he says that “we need to get this over with” I’m wondering why! Is he secretly hoping she’s going to be part of the picture somehow—I mean she did pass that remark about the threesome and he didn’t seem repulsed.

    I think I shouldn’t have to meet her at all. If it were over 6 months to a year—I see it. I mean, I am friends with my ex and his new wife but I don’t think she would like him sleeping over ever.

  40.  #40Pat on November 28, 2011 at 2:05 am

    I have empathy for both Roxanne and Annie. I felt the same connection (energized when he’s around, and amazing connection) but I knew to wait because talk is cheap (like him.) To this day I feel 99% sure that our attraction was astrological and very strong. But due to his background, upbringing, or ignorance, he is a user and liar. He isn’t mature or stable enough to know what he needs and wants. He only wants what he sees at the moment. No I did not sleep with the bozo, because I never moved that fast with any man. Also I asked others about him and he flirts with everyone. I figure if he cares he will be there later. Guys are strange; like they want the sex but have no clue about anything else. They may not even realize that friends with benefits doesn’t work. That is just a way to string someone along until someone more suitable (not better) comes along. He probably has low self esteem or doesn’t like himself enough to know what he wants. I know that sex causes people to bond emotionally, so if he is messing around, he is only screwing himself. He will self destruct, end up being shot, or die from aids. I mean he liked you enough to sleep with you, but would you really want him, or think he’d really be good for anything more serious? Don’t ruin your life for intense attraction, because it’s not enough.

  41.  #41valerie on March 7, 2012 at 9:19 am

    I would like to know what to do i would like to get back with my ex husband its been 10 years for use he would talk and come over when i had are daughter and know she is married and lives with him and we had it set up when i needed dog food i would call my daughter and he would bing it over but he stay in the car and she would bing it in the other day i told her to tell him to come and get some of his things becouse i was cleaning the house and he did and when he was looking at some of the things he just went and hold me about six times and then he was talking to me and she told him that they had to go and he sat down and played with the dog and then he left and then i stoped by his house to talk to him and i tryed to kiss him and he said no and i said ok but he was holding me and we talked about two hours and he told me he was confuse he has a girlfriend but they dont see much of each other and they live two streets away from each other but they do talk alot on the phone and he told me he wanted to be friends but not to come over to much know am cnfuse i only be with someone eles but it didnt work out and it only me and the dog i dont go out to the bars becouse its all for kids here and am 53 so i dont know what to do my daughter tells me he dont talk for about a week when he see me but she dont tell the truth about alot of things so i dont know where to go from here can you help me please thank you valerie

  42.  #42Tina on March 17, 2012 at 11:28 pm

    Dear Rori

    This guy that I’m seeing, his name is Hal, we’ve been seeing each other for a couple months now. We both have recently broken up with our current ex’s, 4 months ago. His last relationship was 4.5 years long, they’ve lived together in a home for the past 2.5 years. They stopped seeing or talking to each other all together the day they broke up. I got out of a 1.5year relationship, I lived with my ex for the last year of the relationship.

    After we first started talking, he was really into me, I was distant. Told him that I was a little emotionally unavailable because it had been really soon after my last relationship (we were talking to each other and flirting before the breakups).

    He pursued me and text me everyday, always telling me how beautiful he thought I was, and sending flirty and dirt texts. We were sleeping together and i wasn’t fully comfortable or ready for that with him, I just wasn’t ready to give myself to him emotionally without getting to know him more. I talked to him about it and told him that we needed to slow down sexually, he asked if we could still hang out and if he could still kiss me, I said yes. He said he respected me for setting that boundary with him and that he really really likes me.

    Next time we hung out he still tried to sleep with me and i gave in, although I’m not sure why, I still can’t connect with him sexually until I have more time to learn to trust him.

    He then went away to on vacation to another country for a month and I told him it was good because I still needed time and space after my last relationship to just be single and find myself again. He agreed that it would be good and that he needed the same.

    While he was away he’d text me a few times, talking dirty, and wanting me sexually, saying that he missed me. He doesn’t really talk to me about other things he’s doing in too much detail, although he likes to get me involved in his life, he rock climbs avidly and has taken me to that, and his mom and best friend climb with us. He has brought me to his friends couples movie night, to his university convention to meet his classmates, and to show me off to them.

    Anyways, to get to the point of all this…
    When he came back from his trip he said he needed to talk, we met and talked. He said that his conscious set in and that he needed some personal time, not seeing or sleeping with anyone, time to be single because he knows that if he continued to sleep with me that he’d get attached. He said that he’s not seeing anyone else and that it would be okay for me to see other people.

    We talked about hanging out in groups with friends so that we don’t get physical but then ultimately decided not to see each other or talk for a while so that he wouldn’t get distracted by me and could really focus on himself.

    We’ve texted a once since then, a week after we decided to give space. I text him first to asked him how he was doing, i hinted at seeing him soon, he said he’d like to see me but didn’t want to set anything in pen becuase he still needs his personal time and told me that he thinks im “awesome, hot, sweet and a rad person” and ended the text convo with a <3.

    It’s been a over a month since I’ve heard from him 🙁

    I am going out and seeing other people and keeping myself busy. There is another guy that I have a good bond with and since watching your videos I ‘ve used what I ‘ve learned on him and it’s worked soo well. The thing is he lives in a different province than I do because he’s doing work there for a few months. But he’s head over heels into me after I started using your techniques. He’s even flown to see me for a night and then gone back and calls and texts all the time. I even when out last night and this other cute guy asked me for my number.

    I just feel like Hal might be giving me a bit of the cold shoulder. This guy and I, are soo great together, he always tells me how it’s soo hard not to fall for me and I feel the same way about him, I’ve never been soo sure about someone in my entire life. The other guys are great, but Hal is my dream guy!

    I’m afraid that maybe we started off too sexual, we have a strong physical desire for one another.

    Is there anything I can do? Can I still keep in contact with him? Can I text him?
    What should I say if I do so that I don’t sound like I’m pursing.

    Thank you soo much Rori!!!

  43.  #43BAB on August 31, 2012 at 9:14 am

    Dear Rori.

    I feel i need some help. I have been reading all the material of yours that i can find and have been trying to put it to use these past 3/4 days.
    The part i am having trouble with is knowing when i should respond when listening on a level 2, level and why when i do listen without saving anything (focusing on him, eye contact etc.) till my boyfriends done speaking, that he always responds with “Im sorry, i just talked your ear off” or some variation of an apology. Is this good. does it mean he feels he can open up or am i doing it all wrong? I always feel the need to validate him by saying. “NO its ok you arnt, i am just listening” So continuing my not knowing.. (I also feel the need to say “its ok, no worries or no big deal” when he apologizes for not txting back or calling or being awake to say good by in the morning) ?? Is this part of the give only as much as hes putting in?

    I also was wondering if you could shed some light on a conversation we recently had about, him my live in boyfriend of 5yrs and how he (his words) doesn’t feel he wants to get married in the near future. And that he feels that way because it just doesn’t feel right now. But that he doesn’t know how that could change in the future, be it a month a few years so on..
    Also that he doesn’t think its fair to me to have to wait around for him any longer because he knows that’s what i was hoping for. And that he put off telling me for so long because he didn’t want to hurt me. And that he loves me to death and cares about our relationship. but hes not ready for marriage. When i asked what does this mean, where do we go from here?. he replied “I am leaving it in your hands” And i asked later why he looked so tense like he was holding his breath, and he said its because he was scared I was gonna leave.. ?
    I am so confused! I feel like i don’t know what he’s telling me. Then when i said “I am ok with not knowing or having any plans for marriage right now, and i understand we have things to work on.” Because he had mentioned he didn’t feel like we communicated enough and that i wasn’t pulling my own weight, or that i had no purpose or no want to better myself. When i was really just giving up on overfunctioning around the house so he would help me! Instead of me doing everything so it would get done.
    Then a few weeks later when i thought we were moving forward i found out he was talking to his ex Fu@# buddy from high school again. A lot, and hiding it from me. i brought it up, told him i didn’t like it and that i didn’t think it was right (Now i know i should have told him about my feelings about it instead) He said he was sorry for the way i felt about it, didn’t understand why i would be insecure about it because nothing sexual was going on. And that he would try and not talk to her as much.
    And for about a week things got back to normal. Until i saw the naked pictures she was sending to him and the comments he was making about her and how hot she still is and so forth.. I understand i should not have been snooping and that it was wrong of me to give into my wanting to control.
    The next day i felt compelled to ask him about it, so i told him i was struggling with a few things and that we could talk when we were both home. He asked what was wrong latter that day, and i tried my best to tell him how i felt and my fears over the situation, but i didn’t do it without blaming him 🙁 He immediately apologized. I couldn’t drop it tho, i felt like i wasn’t getting my point across and that i needed him to confess about the pics rather then make me say, “i saw them”. I felt terrible. After my prodding he did confess and say, “yes i did look at pics and flirt and say i would meet up, but only in flirting. and that he would never really do it.” He also said he would stop talking to her if that’s what it takes for him to not mess things up again. I felt somewhat better, having gotten what i wanted. But then we continued talking. I ask what was wrong and he eventually told me he didn’t think it was fair to have to close a door on another friend and that he wished i would be ok with an open relationship, but that every time he wanted to bring it up he was worried i would just get mad. and that he doesn’t want me to think he doesn’t like our relationship or want to be with me, he just wants to be able to make mistakes because we are young and he feels that’s what we should be doing. I asked if that was why he wanted her in his life so badly, for if we don’t work, and he said no. But that he wasn’t gonna lie and say he wasn’t still sexually attracted to her and wants to sleep with her, but he wont because he doesn’t want to hurt me and that if he did cheat on me he would feel awful. (his words)
    I asked how he was gonna end it with her and he said “i don’t know” We ended with me saying ok so then we just go back to being how we were, and he got sad or something and said but that’s not fair to you? where i said well if your willing to work on these feelings i am good. And then we kinda ended on a weird note and that was that.

    Then the next day i cried and fought with myself trying to figure out why i felt bad for hurting his feelings and calling him out on the things i didn’t like. And then i found you and have been reading the book and trying to put it into action.
    But i feel confused now, because i don’t know if its working or if he is just trying to make up for the other night and just make me happy or if he’s hiding something still. Or if hes really starting to see me change.
    Please help!

    Thank you BAB

  44.  #44BAB on August 31, 2012 at 9:46 am

    Sorry I should have mentioned that it does appear he is responding positively to my new actions.
    Being confident in myself, not questioning his actions, doing things on my own for me, with out waiting on him, thanking and appreciating him openly, Saying “I feel” “I don’t want” and trying to use the others in just small talk for now.
    And not contacting him until he contacts me (Id say iv only been doing this half heatedly at best tho) Its hard.. 🙁

  45.  #45Rori Raye on August 31, 2012 at 11:29 am

    BAB – Welcome – and your questions are great and too much for me to answer this way – and if you’ll participate fully on this blog – I KNOW you’ll get the specific help you need. There are amazing women here who know how to do this Feeling language and will help you…Love, Rori

  46.  #46kim j.. on November 14, 2012 at 11:58 pm


    I have been single for 15 yrs. Started the online dating website for the last year. I have meet many men but noone has rocked my world like this one guy but he is 11 yrs younger than me. Have been talking to him since Aug of this year. After many attempts to get me to sleep with him I finally went to his apartment and slept with him . It’s been 8 days now and I haven’t heard a word from him.

    Feeling really bad about myself but at the same time I want to see him again. Sent him a few friendly texts but still no word from him.

    Do u have any advise for me? I want to find love in my life so much I’m getting tired of being lonely. Can you help me?

  47.  #47Rori Raye on November 15, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    kim – welcome, and it sounds to me like you just lack experience and dating skills. There are lots of great coaches out there who specialize in this – Bobbi Palmer comes to mind at http://www.datelikeagrownup.com – you didn’t do anything wrong – and neither did he. It just didn’t work out, and this is the way it goes as you practice dating. I hope you had fun in bed with him! Love, Rori

  48.  #48Michele on January 6, 2013 at 11:57 am

    I think my story may be the most complicated. I have been with my fiance for about 15 years. I wanted to finish college with my masters before getting married. I finished school but there was a major storm and it wiped away my finances. After finding a new job, we moved in together. After 2 years, he found out that he had cancer. I took care of him. He constantly said he thought he was going to die and he was deformed. He eventually got himself together and started dating a female at his job. I knew something may have been going on but did not want to believe it. After 3 years of their relationship, she rings the doorbell and tells me everything. (This was about 4 months ago.) When I asked him about her, he did not deny it. Now he says he wants both of us. I told him he cannot do this and he said well I am moving out. I heart dropped. I never ever ever ever would have thought that he would not choose me and our relationship. I am still going through things with him. We are in the house together but he still sees her. He says it is nothing I have done. He says he is wrong and he knows he is hurting me but he does not know what do to. I love him and I don’t want to leave him. It is hard and painful. The hardest thing is that he says he loves me and wants to be with me. I keep hoping and praying that he just leaves her alone. Help.

  49.  #49Rori Raye on January 7, 2013 at 11:51 am

    Michele! Get going here down a completely different road! You’re losing his attraction because you’re behaving like a serving girl in love with some “king.” Forget about all the time you’ve “put in” here, get the hell out of there and start Circular Dating. Any woman who values herself as little as you’re valuing yourself in this position will only attract abusive men and little boys like this one. You can DO this! Love, Rori