He’s Tight-Fisted And You’re Free Spirited And Spiritual – What To Do?

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The Question:

“Dear Rori,  Matt and I have been dating two months now (feels like 6!) – he tells me every day how beautiful I am and how he adores me / misses me when he’s not with me, etc. It’s great. He’s very passionate and the lovemaking is through the roof! So intimate.

He’s been bringing up our future a lot – sometimes just envisioning our lives together, lately often talking about practical matters. We had two fights this past week – they were about money and really – how to spend it.

I’ve come to realize that we have hugely different approaches towards money and how to spend it. He’s very tightfisted and I’m very – “it’s easy to manifest so let’s save some / what we need to and enjoy the rest.!”

He works in finance and seems to nickel and dime a lot. He has a scarcity mentality and I have an abundant mentality – money to me just flows through your life and you respect it, use it well, give thanks and enjoy it.

He’s not spiritually inclined, as I’ve discovered (ugh! are ANY available professional men spiritually aware?! I would love one!!) and approaches everything from a Worst Case Scenario perspective.

One thing that’s been happening is He keeps telling me that when/if we buy a house together, it needs to be something he can afford on his salary alone – b/c what if we have a baby and I decide I dont want to work any longer? How would we afford the mortgage?

I completely agree with that and precautions, with the one point being – I love to work! I will always work! He makes great money – so do I. I’ve figured out I earn more than he does, by about 50k more per year.

Havent told him yet about our salary difference, he doesnt know what I make. Not big deal, just find myself still going along with what he wants, letting him have his way in arguments about the future- and I make more! He’s SO conservative – that with the amount I imagine he would want to spend on a home and all the preferences he has – we have to have a yard, he hates stairs (he’s a triathlete!) so he wants everything to be on the same level- we will be living deep in suburbia.

Which is not for me.

I’ve talked about what I want too, and I feel it gets glossed over. Sometimes it seems that rather than agreeing to work towards something fabulous together – we settle on his moderate vision for the future. I’m just starting to feel that:

a) does he really actually want me to be a stay at home mom (which to me, similar to living in suburbia, would be a fate worse than death)

b) how can I have a truly equal financial say?

c) are we just too different?

Now when I think about our future I dont feel excited. I feel upset and suffocated. Like I will have to settle for something uninspired just to keep him budget-happy. I feel that he doesnt take my financial success and ability to contribute seriously. I’m starting to wish I had not agreed to be exclusive with him so quickly and I’m losing my attraction to him. I’d rather just pay for everything for us myself, so we dont have to argue any more!

Which I dont do but am starting to want to. What happens when we plan a vaca together and I want to splurge on a hotel? It will be this all over again. The worst part is he does well. He makes great $.

Also – he’s very clingy and needy when it comes to how often we communicate. One of our fights came up when he complained that I took 3 hours to call him back one night and was I freaking out on him, etc. I need breathing space and I feel we’ve gotten way ahead of ourselves. When I told him this during our argument he got pouty. I think he’s a great guy at his core but I dont even know if I want to be with him anymore.

Rori, what should I do? What’s a better way of thinking about this? The more I even slightly step away the more loving and holding-tight he becomes. I dont even know how I feel any more and I dont want fear to ruin something potentially great. But I feel so smothered and worried.

Do any of products address money conflicts? Everyone I talk to tells me how “just go with it. EVERYONE fights about money!” But this doesnt feel right to me. When he tells me he’s proud of my job, is he telling the truth? Sincere? Can he really support my having a career? I do not want to stop being Crackerjack mini CEO! I want to have a career, while being a loving, nurtuing partner too. At what point am I giving up who I am vs compromising? Love your thoughts and thanks.

Best, Donna

Answer From Me:

Dona – stop arguing!!!!! Let him take over!!!!You’re just getting scared! Give this WAY more time!!! (At least another 2 months….)

You need to simply write down some speeches: I feel so passionate about working….and I’d like to work even if we’re married, and then even if I’m a mom….how would that look for you?

More: I need to feel independent and so I’m reacting and feeling uncomfortable with the amount of contact you’d like – even though I like contact, too..

You’re just struggling with this on a deep level and bouncing around….

You have to clear that away so you can see and feel him clearly.

Go for his GOOD qualities, and NEGOTIATE the rest – don’t FIGHT!!!

Let him control the money!!!

Say you’d feel uncomfortable without your own money to spend as you like, that you feel the difference between your money styles and that you’d respect him and it would feel good to have him make those decisions, and yet you need to feel independent enough to be what might seem frivolous to him now and again.

Love, Rori


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