History And Love – Notes From My English Roadtrip

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Our English road trip inspired in me a sense of history.

The history of my life, and the history of my relationship with my husband.

Can we let go of our personal and collective pasts, and re-imagine and rewrite every moment NEW in the way that feels the most good to us as it’s happening, and STILL BUILD on what we’ve learned?

Can you let go and still rely on the strengths you’ve gained?

In the world there’s much that feels like an “assault.”

We can quickly feel we need to protect ourselves at every instant.

Not only our physical selves, but our emotional selves.

Are you seeing men (or one man) in a specific way that only allows him to be the way you see him?

If you change how you perceive a man, without “hoping” for change – will he change?

I say yes…

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Femininewoman on November 17, 2011 at 6:22 am

    hhhm letting go.

  2.  #2Femininewoman on November 17, 2011 at 6:28 am

    “Boundaries are rules that you make up for yourself, so that you can stand up for and trust yourself.” Rules that allow me to stop thinking about him.

  3.  #3T-Girl on November 17, 2011 at 6:31 am

    “letting go of our collective pasts”

    Yes, yes. Thanks for the reminder.

  4.  #4Radiance on November 17, 2011 at 7:17 am

    Brilliant, Rori. Thank you!

  5.  #5Senior Lady Vibe on November 17, 2011 at 7:21 am

    Hello, world. I’m thankful for Rori’s posts from her travels. I’d like to visit Rye so I welcome the reminder of places on my lists.

  6.  #6Femininewoman on November 17, 2011 at 7:40 am


    Though some men might seem to have cold feet about commitment, that is not always the case. A man wants a woman he can count on.

    I’m going to share a secret with you. It’s one that most men will never admit.

    Here it is:

    Men love stability and commitment just as much as you do!

    They want to be cherished. They want to be the center of your world.

    Even if a man is afraid of commitment, and even if he is wary of being in a relationship, it doesn’t change that longing that is in his very nature. He WANTS to be the man you need.

    If you can give him a stable relationship – if you can be patient with him and put up with all his quirks
    while he tries to figure it out – he will appreciate you more than you can imagine.

    Alexandra Fox

  7.  #7tinque on November 17, 2011 at 7:41 am

    As some of you know, letting go of stuff is a big part of my work, and this involves learning how to recognize where in your body you hold and how to release. But how do you release?

    I don’t normally like to talk about my work and what I’m doing/offering on this blog, even though Rori has encouraged me to, but there is so much going on which may very well help you on your journey.

    For those of you who don’t know, clicking on my name will take you to my site, but the reason I’m writing this is this.

    My fan page on FB has been customized and made beautiful. facebook.com/SexandHeart

    For anyone who LIKES my fan page, I am offering a free gift, a report entitled Restore Your Relationship and Bring Him Close Forever available for immediate download.

    PLUS anyone who does LIKE my page, I have made a series of free videos which will be sent directly to you sometime next week detailing how to really get into your body to release your tensions, hurts, and trauma whether they be physical or emotional or more likely both.

    The more you can release this stuff, the clearer your mind becomes, helping you to really see what’s going on with you and your man or your CDs. Your heart softens, allowing peace and vulnerability to pervade your being. You will stand taller, look better/younger, for a soft face is a beautiful face, a relaxed body is an inviting one, and you will FEEL better in so many ways.

    Thank you all for helping me grow and heal as I help you.


  8.  #8lk on November 17, 2011 at 7:44 am

    Told my mother about QT & she txtd me just now,

    “I think when we tell men they aren’t making us happy that what they feel is shame.”

    It made me feel really sad…. I don’t want to cause someone to feel shame! But I don’t want to drag out an evening, when I do know that this person is making me feel tired, drained, bored… Like, his sense of humor is exhausting for me! & I did try a few different ways of expressing this… Also, I didn’t feel attracted when he kissed me… & he wanted me to shave my legs & pay for dates, but I don’t want those things.

    I still feel sad & guilty. I’m not sure if I gave him the chance to “change” or that I was as open in my perception of him as I could have been….

    However, I’m at no loss for men & I am glad to not be anxious about disappointing someone on Friday night now, by not being shaved or paying or wanting sxx….

    I feel free! I’m excited for Friday now instead of anxious!

  9.  #9tinque on November 17, 2011 at 7:48 am

    By the way if you already liked my page before the download was up and you want it, please e-mail me, and I will send it to you directly.


  10.  #10lk on November 17, 2011 at 7:52 am

    I feel amazing about my plans for Friday actually….

    I told my neighbor, “I want to have a nice day in Boulder with CD” & she was like, “OH have you been to that tea house??”

    So that night, I found myself on the phone with him & said, “I’m so tired, I want to take Friday off.” & he says, “If you do, maybe we could meet” & I said, “I’d love to go to Boulder for the day” & he said, “That sounds perfect.”

    Called me last night, made plans, I love the pacing of our conversation – a lot of space & relaxation & respect….it feels really good – & he wants to do everything for me. He sent an email about things to do that he thought I’d like…. & suggested the teahouse my neighbor was telling me about!! Amazing. & he was telling me about a song & was like, “Yeah, you should look it up” & then immediately said, “Actually, I’ll find it & send it to you.” I love it, so relaxing & easy.

  11.  #11Femininewoman on November 17, 2011 at 7:54 am

    Thanks Tinque.

  12.  #12lk on November 17, 2011 at 9:06 am

    humbug. really want comfortable friendship with sqw but his weirdo response times & listening skills are bumming me out via interweb… possibly i can say to him, I only want to use the interweb to Xchange muzik… if you want to actually chat/catch up – you call me. that would feel better.

    this relationship is like… a deep wound healing & it gets re-opened a little every time the dressings are changed… but i know i am healing : )

    2 steps forward, 1 step back – ebb&flow like the ocean

  13.  #13Scarlet on November 17, 2011 at 9:19 am

    Just wanted to repost from the old thread:

    I’m going to try to slow down for a bit and let him come to me. I think at this point it’s very critical. I know that if I start overreacting and drive myself crazy that it will just make things worse, especially now that he’s trying to decide what it is he wants with me. But I do completely agree with you that this is my future and I’m the one who gets to decide it. I’m not going to get on board if what he wants doesn’t match what I want. But does anyone agree that I should wait at least a little bit before breaking things off to start cdating? It just seems a little drastic since this conversation only happened 4 days ago. And I know he will not want me to see other people and still be with him. I know I will definitely not be ok with it if he did that. At this point we’ve been exclusive for 3 and a half months so it would not feel right.

  14.  #14Scarlet on November 17, 2011 at 9:27 am

    Re 870 from old post:

    I actually do have Targetting Mr. Right cd. But the last time I watched it was almost a year ago. Maybe I should watch it again. And I know that we became exclusive way sooner than I normally would with other guys. But the thing is that we were friends for a year before that so I knew him really well. And he actually started out as one of my CD’s initially but I ended up turning him down. But he decided to still pursue me even though we weren’t dating. Every time we went out he always treated me like a date, told me how beautiful I looked, paid for everything, always came to pick me up, and never so much as even asked for anything in return. So I knew he was a good guy and I knew he really liked me and the fact that he pursued me for so long I knew that he was serious about me. We started dating again, and he asked to be exclusive and initially I turned him down but after a month and a half I agreed to be exclusive because I just didn’t want to be with anyone else at that point.

  15.  #15Mel on November 17, 2011 at 9:27 am

    Going to visit my friend with BEEnefits today. Herbal tea with honey, chit-chat and watching some bee documentaries together. Man, I feel like asking him for some other types of benefits though….. I’m feeling especially wound-up! LOL

    Man… THAT would be sooooo ideal! A “boyfriend” type but also a FWB to seek out when I’m feeling needy and want to take my focus off him. LOL Maybe not such a good idea, but a girl can dream! 😉

  16.  #16Susan on November 17, 2011 at 9:30 am

    Did you see my answer, Scarlet?

  17.  #17lk on November 17, 2011 at 9:31 am

    “But does anyone agree that I should wait at least a little bit before breaking things off to start cdating? It just seems a little drastic since this conversation only happened 4 days ago. And I know he will not want me to see other people and still be with him. I know I will definitely not be ok with it if he did that. At this point we’ve been exclusive for 3 and a half months so it would not feel right.”

    maybe you could just get in the MINDSET of circular dating, smiling at men in the grocery store, etc., getting in touch with an old friend – just to get the waterwheel turning back toward you… if you aren’t getting the love/energy you need from the man you’re exclusive with, find other sources. You are your best source of love, of course…. make yourself a nice lunch & forget about the guy.

    so, yes, i do think you should circular date, but that doesn’t mean you have to go out to dinner tomorrow night with another man if that’s not what you want… : )))

  18.  #18Scarlet on November 17, 2011 at 9:33 am

    Yes, Susan I saw your post. I’ll repost the reply here:

    I definitely have other things going on in my life. I’ve taken up jiu jitsu and started playing sports for charity. I’m taking some classes at my old college that I graduated from. But I’m glad that someone understands what I’m going through and I really appreciate all the support and great suggestions. Thank you. How did things turn out with your man Susan. Did he all of a sudden become sure of what he wanted with you?

  19.  #19Scarlet on November 17, 2011 at 9:33 am

    Ik: “make yourself a nice lunch & forget about the guy”

    Hahaha, I love that!

  20.  #20Mel on November 17, 2011 at 9:34 am

    OOh! no need! My architect is quite happy to give me what I’m seeking! Yippee! 🙂

  21.  #21Tiffany on November 17, 2011 at 9:44 am

    Whoo, new post!

  22.  #22Tiffany on November 17, 2011 at 9:49 am

    I was in my head all night. Even while dreaming, it seemed. And I woke up, composing an email in my head to V. I haven’t written it yet or anything.

    I was actually supposed to follow up and send him something that I’ve written. But it’s quite personal, so I am hesitating just a little bit. It feels like (and is) exposing myself, and I don’t want to do it unnecessarily.

    There are still things I want to learn from him. I don’t think the conversation is over. I don’t want it to be. I want to let go of what I can’t hold on to. But I also feel dogged, like not giving up, like I want to keep trying until I get what I want, or at least something that satisfies me.

    And unfortunately, now that I’ve said I don’t want sex, I feel horrrrneyyy. Yargh.

  23.  #23Susan on November 17, 2011 at 9:52 am


    This was my reply to you on the other blog:

    RE: 872: Scarlet says:

    “I definitely have other things going on in my life.”

    Good! Right now the focus needs to be on YOU, not him.

    “How did things turn out with your man Susan. Did he all of a sudden become sure of what he wanted with you?”

    Actually… Yes. A few months ago, we were still doing the ‘dance’ around each other. And he would get closer and then pull back and then do it again. It drove me nuts. So, every time he pulled back, I’d casually say that he better be careful because if I don’t feel properly paid attention to that I’m likely to wander off and and that I have options. We had been talking on the phone one time and we hung up shortly after I had said that again. He then called me back and asked if I would really start seeing other men and I answered yes. That I had a lot to offer and that I’m sure there was a man who would recognize that and step up. The next time we got together face to face, he made a big effort of setting me down and telling me that he was totally committed to me and couldn’t imagine a future without me and asked for a little more time to grow the relationship. I agreed (with tears in my eyes.) I don’t want marriage (I’m 55 and have been married twice – been there, done that, bought the Tshirt) but I do want love and a future with a man who adores me. In the months since that talk, he has slowly become more attached and affectionate. As long as it is moving forward, I am not looking to change things. He has a lot to overcome emotionally – he has abuse related history. It is hard for him to open his heart, but every day he opens it a little more for me.

  24.  #24Susan on November 17, 2011 at 9:52 am

    YAY MEL! Details, please?

  25.  #25Scarlet on November 17, 2011 at 10:05 am

    Re 22: Susan

    Aww, that is very sweet. I’m glad things are working out for you.

    And things with my guy have been moving along as well. He includes me in a fairly big part of his life. It’s just that last conversation threw me off. I guess it’s time for me to show him that he needs to be careful if wants to keep me.

  26.  #26Lilybelly on November 17, 2011 at 10:41 am


    BW~ Your dude. Hmmmmm…I feel quite strongly that you are allowing him ALL the power and are not standing up for yourself, what you need, what you desire for your life. By allowing him to remain in your life, doesn’t it seem as if you are setteling for so much less than you deserve.

    It’s hard to walk away..we can talk ourselves out of it by saying things like “Oh, he’s really a nice guy or I know he really loves me” and on and on. I have created those tapes so many times, I don’t care to remember.

    It seems so clear to me so I’ll be blunt:

    Until you take a stand and really stand up for yourself, create some extremely firm boundaries, this man will continue to “rule” your relationship. He will continue to have all the power.

    Step back. Totally, step back. In fact, I wouldn’t even meet him for drinks tomorrow night if he wasn’t willing to ensure my safetly in getting home. Walk home, in the dark? Alone? WHAT?!?!?!?!

    I wouldn’t grace him with my presence. And probably not ever again because of his treatement of me. I deserve so much better.

    I am sending this with the utmost love and respect.

    Okay, going back to read other’s comments.


  27.  #27Camille on November 17, 2011 at 10:48 am

    BW…..I want to pose a question to you………

    Would you ever make the decision to walk alone in the dark in any situation? Would you let another woman walk alone in the dark if you were with her? If you were hearing someone thinking about walking alone in the dark what would you say to her…………

    Sometimes when I am in a decision making process where I feel like Im doing something because I have no choice……………I take myself out of it. And think of it as if I am looking from the outside in. It helps take the focus off of everyone else and puts it back on MY wants and MY needs.

  28.  #28April Rose on November 17, 2011 at 10:51 am

    Thank you Rori,
    I’m enjoying the questions you are posing in your blog. I’m contemplating the latest one:

    “Can we let go of our personal and collective pasts, and re-imagine and rewrite every moment NEW in the way that feels the most good to us as it’s happening, and STILL BUILD on what we’ve learned?”

    Today I found myself on the brink of acting out my past defensive behaviours, simply out of habit. Luckily, and thanks to your tools, I was able to give myself another option.
    I opted to take a step back from my habit (which manifests as annoyed and angry complaining at my man.) I then took a breath into myself, into my centre/stability/rock. This enabled me to instantly soften. It enabled compassion for me and for my man in that moment.

    I’m experiencing my old defensive habits falling away, as long as I don’t drop my awareness of them.

    I trust that ‘I am’ enough to carry the moment. In that way I can drop all thinking, worrying, second-guessing. When I trust that I don’t have to DO anything and that I don’t have to strategise or follow any formulas (even the tools), I can truly relax and just be. Letting each moment unfold.

    It’s an art!

  29.  #29Camille on November 17, 2011 at 10:54 am

    I too, do not feel like I want to be Married again, same as you, been there done that………….but “T” would like to get married……….Im trying to resolve my true feelings around that……..and Im finding that I feel “embarassed” to say how many times I’ve been married and to some degree think its a way to never be DIVORCED again. Trying to work through this and find my true feelings.

    It felt good to read that you feel the same way “been there done that” I can relate. Thanks for sharing

  30.  #30lk on November 17, 2011 at 10:58 am

    I am so curious to see if I will want to kiss CD tomorrow & if we do kiss if it will feel nice…. I’m interested! I like imagining it… hmm…. I’m curious if he will give me gifts too LOL… wXed or shrxoms, i can imagine him bringing for me…. that is so funny too because he is SO kindquiet, but also very open & spontaneous : ) it’s fun!

    HT was the best kisser & he was just amazing to be with physically & emotionally & spiritually. Wow, I love remembering that & I’m excited to have that feeling with a foreverpartner. Amazing…. : ) I also love that he is contacting me & wanting to give me love & art & hear about my ideal relationship.

    kissing exCD felt really really natural & easy & passionate too… but cuddles felt weird unless he was all sleepysoft – i want really good cuddles & kisses! I did like when he would massage me for hours & hours & I could just melt & talk with him…. He massaged me last Friday at the bar even though we were with co-workers. CR8ZY : )

    Glad to have snipped QT, though he was a cutie lol… babyCD called & left a message. i think he was inviting me to dinner but i h8te checking messages… Excited also for a date with TV on Saturday & IC on Sunday : ) I love men & I love dating : ))))

    Also, Artist is wanting me to meet his son… that’s interesting haha… & there is a party downtown for my industry in December I’m really excited to go to by myself & practice networking/CDing professionally kind of i guess…

  31.  #31Camille on November 17, 2011 at 11:08 am

    Hmmmm my feelings toward “me” getting married again are definitely from my past experiences……maybe if I could let it all go I could experience something else around a marriage……I feel fearful of the word even right now………..
    I love what marriage stands for
    I love seeing people married
    I want people to know the wonderful benefits of marriage

    why do I not feel like I would have all of that if I were to Marry again?

  32.  #32Dan_Brodribb on November 17, 2011 at 11:11 am

    Hi everybody. It’s been awhile, but I thought I’d drop by and offer comments from my perspective. My relationship seems to have ended so I have time to spend on the internet now :/

    Femininewoman says – “If you can give him a stable relationship – if you can be patient with him and put up with all his quirks
    while he tries to figure it out – he will appreciate you more than you can imagine.”

    I definitely connect with this. There was an earlier article on this blog that said something to the effect that we men are okay stepping outside our comfort zones for the women we love.

    That’s true, but I would add, we have to feel some stability, that we aren’t risking losing our partner if we make a mistake or two along the way.

    lk said – “I think when we tell men they aren’t making us happy that what they feel is shame.”

    It made me feel really sad…. I don’t want to cause someone to feel shame! But I don’t want to drag out an evening, when I do know that this person is making me feel tired, drained, bored… Like, his sense of humor is exhausting for me! & I did try a few different ways of expressing this… Also, I didn’t feel attracted when he kissed me… & he wanted me to shave my legs & pay for dates, but I don’t want those things.

    I still feel sad & guilty. I’m not sure if I gave him the chance to “change” or that I was as open in my perception of him as I could have been….”

    It’s true, when a woman–especially a woman I care about–isn’t into me, even though I know in my head it isn’t personal, I sometimes feel I failed in some way.

    That said, it’s our job to handle our own feelings. If a woman only kept dating me because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings and I found out about it down the road, I would be more upset than had she been upfront about it. In a long term partner, I want someone who isn’t afraid to hurt my feelings and trusts me to handle myself.

    As for him wanting you to shave your legs and pay for dates…I would be uncomfortable if someone I was just dating started asking me to change things about myself. it would be different if it was in the context of a stable relationship, but near the beginning it would be a red flag.

  33.  #33lk on November 17, 2011 at 11:13 am

    I feel scared that I CD too much & people will think I’m a slXt, a tease, or not serious… But it is the opposite, actually. I’m superopen to possibilities, superhonest when I don’t want to do something or when I do want something, superslow about physical stuff, & veryserious about finding what I want : )

    I want to have that grownup takencareof feeling like with exCD & crazygood sxx like with HT & deep emotional vulnerability like with jv & really sillytimes like with sqw….. & I want that feeling of foreverdeepsafetylove

    I’m imagining being carried by all my men on a throne with pillows & I don’t know where they are taking me & but I know it is safe & I will be heard & I will receive amazing gifts & learn how to give amazing gifts : )

    I also know that I cannot lose anything. Men don’t disappear. They are in my memory, but all the men (ALL) that I’ve ever been sad to “lose” have come back to me in the last few months. It’s actually amazing! & i’ve opened up to them & been soft & not tried to jump them or take them or capture them… it’s calm & nice : ) I love my men : ) & I want them to find that amazing foreverlove too!

  34.  #34Camille on November 17, 2011 at 11:16 am

    I feel my stomach rolling
    its upset
    My head is achy and my neck is achy

    where is this coming from?

    I feel scared, but dont know why?

    its ok to not know
    its ok to be scared
    I dont like people to know im scared
    i like to know why, but I dont

    feeling my breaths
    they are quick

  35.  #35Tiffany on November 17, 2011 at 11:18 am

    Wow…you guys. I must be so sireny or something!

    I recently started thinking of H – the random guy I met on the beach, with whom it was really intense for a few days, and then fell off.

    Last night, he was in my dream. Not the weird, freaky, in-my-head dreams. It was a different dream, where I felt like we had a reconciliation.

    I almost thought about texting him, but dimissed that thought immediately.

    And then…holla! He texts me, right out of the blue! I as so surprised. I still feel so connected to him, and I can’t explain why. I don’t even know the guy.

    But meanwhile, this other guy from the Indian dating site starts chatting with me. So I’m chatting back and forth with them both at the same time. Indian guy makes a date with me for Saturday. H is sounding like he wants to see me, but he’s not stepping up and asking for a date. I guess I don’t want to ask him. Last time I wheedled the date out of him, and I don’t want to do that this time. I would feel good seeing him. But if he wants to see me, I want him to ask for it. I think he’s being shy or something. But I’m not going to step up for him. Nope. not gonna doit.

  36.  #36lk on November 17, 2011 at 11:21 am

    @Dan_Brodribb 31

    Thank you so much for your kind words!! I feel glad now & relieved…. I was attracted to QT in some ways… & his paying/shaving remarks were made a lot in jest…. but they still made me feel bad & I don’t want to do those things.

    LOL that I have become so into growing out my body hair…. but you would be amazed at how slow leg hair & armpit hair grows! HAHAHA this is so weird to be typing… um…. yes, but I have been growing it for like 3 months & it still looks like I shave ?!? I want it to be all long & soft & like I never changed it…… I’m curious!

    I like how sharing that with HT & CD felt…. they were open to it & curious about my feelings & not turned-off. That is how I want to feel! I do want to feel attractive & lovely & natural & soft & appreciated : )) Yes, I can have that!

  37.  #37Camille on November 17, 2011 at 11:22 am

    Hi Dan,
    Thanks for your perspective

  38.  #38Susan on November 17, 2011 at 11:38 am

    RE: 28: Camille says:

    “I feel “embarassed” to say how many times I’ve been married and to some degree think its a way to never be DIVORCED again. Trying to work through this and find my true feelings.”

    My first husband seriously damaged me financially. After my first divorce I went into therapy so I could learn how to not repeat the same mistakes. The next man I married APPEARED to be nothing like the first one…. but as the years went by he did serious financial damage to me as well – more serious that the first one did. I am finally financially stable now and I’m too old to go through another breakup where I lose my home, my credit rating and my stability. I do know my decision to not remarry for the third time is based on fear. I’m not so sure that is a bad thing.

    I’m curious as to how your situation will pan out.

    Sweet Man is twice divorced too and both women withheld affection and belittled him. He has also been in therapy and is not eager to remarry. I guess we all have our wounds to heal.

  39.  #39Daria on November 17, 2011 at 11:39 am

    The morning feels lovely and comfortable.

    I feel more ok to be me after the tapping yesterday.

    Didn’t let the thoughts of what are my parents going to think get to me.

    Living now.


  40.  #40lk on November 17, 2011 at 11:39 am

    @Tiffany 34

    “I think he’s being shy or something. But I’m not going to step up for him.”

    You’re a genius : ) The shyest guy on the planet would do poledance in a highschool cafeteria to get a date with the girl he really wants.

  41.  #41Daria on November 17, 2011 at 11:43 am

    ‘I do know my decision to not remarry for the third time is based on fear. I’m not so sure that is a bad thing.’

    It’s not a ‘bad’ thing… But my guess it will come up to heal on the road to intimacy … Whether married or not. And That… Is a (scary) good thing. :). Yay healing.

  42.  #42Camille on November 17, 2011 at 11:48 am

    Im curious to see how my situation will pan out! LOL

    My first husband damaged me emotionally and physically………..My second husband wasn’t physically abusive, but during a very hard time in my life when my brother was killed and I was having a complicated pregnancy………several months later I found him in another womans bed………..our divorce was financially devastating to me as well……..My third divorce was not abusive or financially devastating it was about our children and the locations they should live in…………I did not want the divorce but he felt since he couldnt be there for me, he should allow me to find someone else……….needless to say we did not. So after his son graduated high school………..he came back! That is “T” were have been together again for about a year and a half and alls going well, after finding Rori’s stuff we are doing particularly well. And if I were younger and didnt have my “stuff” I would certainly re-marry with no hesitation, but the words til “death do we part” carry no truth to me, because in my situation…….so many things can happen to cause the end of a marriage.

  43.  #43Daria on November 17, 2011 at 11:50 am

    Dan! I woulda guessed that was gonna happen! Blunt and harsh, I know.

    Let’s get you on a dating program pronto.

    You will have an easier time building relationship when you got your man gumption up and also date more soft spoken women for the experience. Tho you probably won’t like them. You can practice stretching your comfort zone of how much romance you can create. Go on a limb and do stuff that is big and practice letting the awkwardness melt away. Then you will be set to wow any woman .

    And how stable and creative you can be when a woman lets you know something feels bad.

    Let’s Do this! I feel excited.

  44.  #44Camille on November 17, 2011 at 11:56 am

    I also feel “fear” around depending on a man financially. As it took me years to become independently financially stabile…………..It was a long hard road that I dont want to travel again! But I am so proud of myself for doing it. “T” has always been very generous financially and when he left to care for his son………he paid my car payments and gave me money whenever I asked (my stubborn independence and pride did not allow me to ask for much though) but deep down I know that “T” would never leave me in a financial bind and hes very financially responsible…….I still have a hard time when he speaks of marriage.

  45.  #45Susan on November 17, 2011 at 11:56 am

    RE: 41: Camille says:

    “so many things can happen to cause the end of a marriage.”

    You got that right, Girlfriend… I hope things work out for you. I like happy … er, well, not endings, but you get my drift.

  46.  #46Femininewoman on November 17, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    Camille you can write your own vows that are more true for you.

  47.  #47Daria on November 17, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    omgoshwah i feel lonely!!

    taking last minute plans, even with guy ‘friends’ winds up feeling cool while happening, but not as fulfilling

    and after i feel more love-depleted and needy


    im feeling sad that i feel lonely right now

    Hawkman has finally actually started to act ‘weird’ and i feel turned off towards him and slightly piny

    cuz im not feeling sexually close to any of my CD’s

    and i haven’t had sex in like 4 months

    I can do the Deer exercise for myself. yes i will feel better.


    i know actually that will take cre of all even the but..butb..butt…


    butt butt butt i do want to meet a sexy man that will be my lover and please me

    and actually i haven’t been shaving my legs and felt embarassed with CD on Tuesday just a lil bit

    rolls eyes

    it feels UNCOMFORTABLE

    in my tummy.

  48.  #48Daria on November 17, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    i have a CD today but i havent’ talked to him in hella days i wonder if he will come thru

  49.  #49Daria on November 17, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    im feeling a bit sad


    wheres my ROCK

    finding my rock

    its ok to be me and do what i want right now

    i don’t have to tap into the ‘silent pressure’ from the parents

    actually im gonna have a LOVELY day

  50.  #50Daria on November 17, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    i don’t want to do anything but bathe

    but instead of bathing im here tryna chat up guys

    or answer my voicemails

    which are like week old waiting for me


    i dnot want to bathe!

    i want a sexy man to be my lover


    if he was coming right now i’d feel rushed

  51.  #51Daria on November 17, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    woo hoo!

    i turned the boiler up so i’ll have hot water for the bath

    i feel excited!!

    omg im gonna feel so good after a cider bath


  52.  #52Lilybelly on November 17, 2011 at 12:40 pm


    Camille, I feel scared a lot lately, too.


  53.  #53Dan_Brodribb on November 17, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    Happy you’re still here, Daria and wildly being you

    Don’t ever change 🙂

  54.  #54mali on November 17, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    GRRR, I’m so angry!

    My Dad photocopied a list of my assignments a while back, I got it through the post. He’s a teacher, and likes to keep tabs on me. I know he worries, especially because I just dropped out of Pharmacy. Like that. Poof.

    But I don’t like feeling controlled! I DON’T LIKE IT!


  55.  #55Tiffany on November 17, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    lk #40 – Thank you, and I like your example! lol 🙂

  56.  #56Daria on November 17, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    Dan 🙂 thank you

    i actually change all the time tho hehe

  57.  #57Daria on November 17, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    haha i actually felt scared reading don’t ever change

    i felt afraid i was being judged


  58.  #58Tiffany on November 17, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    Well, I spent most of the morning texting back and forth with H. And there’s a good reason for that.

    I do feel connected with him, and I can’t really explain why.

    But that makes it harder.

    He said he was actually ready to drop everything and come see me right now. I said Wow!!

    But I said I couldn’t do it, because I have to go in an hour to give a massage. Then I am meeting a friend after that, and later on I have a dance class. I offered this evening, or tomorrow evening. He couldn’t commit to either. He said he would “let me know.” What I don’t understand is why it is so important to drop everything to see me NOW, and yet he can’t f-ing rearrange his schedule to see me, oh, say, in a few hours, or tomorrow night, which is a perfectly reasonable night to go out, being that it’s Friday. Lol.

    But, not only do I not understand, I am going to give up even TRYING to understand. It obviously holds some mysterious logic in his mind that I simply do not have access to, and if I don’t let him figure his own stuff out, then I know he won’t feel safe coming toward me. But I can’t always just be available to rearrange my schedule because he suddenly wants to see me, right out of the blue! Sheesh.

    So, I am letting it go. I am not attached to the outcome…If he wants to see me today, great. I have time to fit it in. If he wants to see me tomorrow, then that can work, too. But I don’t take last-minute massage appointments and I don’t take last-minute dates in the middle of the day. I don’t care how cute you think my toes are!! lol

    ok, gotta run.

    hugs and boobies

  59.  #59Tiffany on November 17, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    Mali, your parents sound so controlling! I can’t believe it, and it makes me so mad, because I know exactly what that feels like. My heart goes out to you…

  60.  #60Femininewoman on November 17, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    Mali could it be that that is the best way he knows how to “protect” you? He might be concerned about your ultimate success in life. Have you ever looked to see if there is any behavior that you have that suggests you are irresponsible and help looking out for yourself? Is there any way to inspire him to trust you?

  61.  #61Lilybelly on November 17, 2011 at 1:21 pm


    Mali~ Let it go, sweetie.

    You are doing great.

  62.  #62mali on November 17, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    @ Tiffany- 59. Thankyou, love!

    @FW- 60. I’m feeling bad, because I’m beating myself up for not standing upto them. Because I feel as though, when I get angry, my parents have a way of twisting it all around and making it sound like it makes perfect sense. Which it does, and that’s the problem! It doesn’t take into account my feelings!

    I know that he’s doing it to make sure I don’t drop out of my course again… perhaps if I do well on my next assignment, I can show it to him and tell him not to worry.

    It’s just that, together with having to call every night… It’s getting to me.

  63.  #63Ella on November 17, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    Feeling very Happy today.

    Thank you.

  64.  #64mali on November 17, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    @61- Lilybelly

    Thankyou, sweetheart. This is exactly what I needed to hear. I just feel so bad, I feel like I’m not standing up for myself. How can I allow myself to be treated this way?!

  65.  #65Femininewoman on November 17, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    Mali I have learned in this forum, and others to take 100% responsibility for my relationships. Things have shifted a bit in my interactions with both my parents and my children as a result. You are not allowed to beat yourself up but I believe you can inspire them to change their behavior towards you if you change. My daughter is doing that with me right now, though it is hard for me to admit. How can I argue with her when she is stepping up with her assignments?

    Having said that if you feel like there is a tightrope around your throat and as a result feeling overwhelmed maybe you could let them know. I would assume they are trying to save you from yourself. Their methods might not be the best but the motivation is love though I am also sure they don’t want their money wasted.

  66.  #66Ella on November 17, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    Oh no! I accidentally gave my date the wrong postcode… and sent him to my Mum’s address, 6 miles away, instead of mine!!!!


    I feel all hot and embarressed.

  67.  #67lk on November 17, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    I can do this job & work – & have it be easy….

    I want to enjoy & take pleasure in being at work. I do want that. That will feel free & easy, like not watching the clock or counting minutes or stressing about assignments.

    I want that! Yes, I can have that free&easy feeling all the time… : )

  68.  #68Daria on November 17, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    Mali – Margaret Lynch’s 7 Levels of Wealth EFT program has really been helping me lately with my family relationship

    soemthing that felt good to work on yesterday was giving everyone the freedom to have their own opinion,

    so what it reminds me reading your post is that you have no control over what your parents say to you or send you

    and you DO have control over what you share with them – how you feel for example

    and what you choose in your life

    without necessarily expecting them to change

    but tehy will, like the last lines of Rori’s post above…

  69.  #69Femininewoman on November 17, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    Mali one other thing. I read an email from CCarter this week that people fall into roles with each other, even unconsciously. If you act like a slacker, someone will try to be your saviour. Sorry if this comes across as harsh but my intention is for you to be aware of what role you are playing.

  70.  #70lk on November 17, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    LOL @Ella 66 : ))))

    I bet he thinks it’s cute : )

  71.  #71mali on November 17, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    Thankyou, lovely ladies, for your advice.

    FW: OOOOF, that feels bad to read- I don’t want to be a slacker! I can see why they are doing it- if I don’t pass, and if I don’t get a degree, that’s it to them. I’ll end up living with them, I won’t get married, and so they won’t allow me to move out. To them, I’ll be a burden.

    So yes, I can understand why… I know they’ll worry until the end of my degree, because to them, by dropping out of my previous degree and not doing amazingly well in my assignments… well, they want to have faith in me, but they find it difficult to trust.

    I get that, I do. I just wish that at 21, they didn’t feel so responsible for my future!

  72.  #72Starla on November 17, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    posting here instead of leaning forward.

    seen CF every day but two for the last week, feeling a little cracked out.

    he’s picking me up from class tonight so i will see him then

    and he decided to invite himself to one of my own personal activities, and i let him 🙂 he is welcome. he will have fun and meet some of my friends.

    in the past i have said no to him inviting himself.

    i want to text him about the new twilight movie (he said he’d take me) and the comedy show tickets i just won…

    but we’ve been texting non stop for days and i can tell he’s burning out on it…i’m burning out myself so maybe i’m projecting, but i feel so…addicted…i can’t stop.

    well actually i CAN stop. that’s why i’m here:)

  73.  #73Susan on November 17, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    RE: 66: Ella says:

    “Oh no! I accidentally gave my date the wrong postcode… and sent him to my Mum’s address, 6 miles away, instead of mine!!!!”

    Maybe your mom will like him… :p

  74.  #74Starla on November 17, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    lk, i have nightmares about having my hairy parts exposed.

    i wonder how CF feels about body/pubic hair.

    my guess is he feels turned on no matter what.

    we’ve never gotten very sexual.

  75.  #75Camille on November 17, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    FW………..thank you ……….great idea……..I could write my own vows……….but first I have to decide if I really want a “legal marriage” again. A decision from my heart. What does my heart want?

  76.  #76Daria on November 17, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    ok so i did accept now a last minute invite for tonite

    and its not even set
    its a possiblity

    that i will go out dancing

    it sounds fun,

    but i was just saying how i feel drained after last minute things


    i wonder how i can ‘frame’ my day in my perspective so i feel nourished and transformed and refreshed instead

    i am also heading for a bath

    in the very near future


    feeling a lil down

    tho this is a FUN thing


  77.  #77Daria on November 17, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    i’m actually feeling overwhelmed…

    and i haven’t heard from the guy who i have a planned meeting with in an hour and a half


  78.  #78Daria on November 17, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    i need a break from this “psychic tension” that i’m attributing to my parents

    and when i take a ‘last minute’ break it feels even more tired after


  79.  #79lk on November 17, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    just realized in my mind how fine a line i walk all the time with like falling back into bed w exCD & he is brutally toxic lol… be good, lk. don’t sleep with bad men : )

    oh, he is sweet & helps me! he loves to help me, but he does not believe in foreverlove so I cannot give myself to him romantically

    yes! there it is : ) I love him, but I do not want to be with a man like that. Though there are parts of him that I do like. … A lot in fact! & Yes, I do want that, just with the forever part : )

    my eyes just spazzed out for a sec & it was freaky

    i want to eat salami when i get home

    i want my boss to never email me again…LOL that is so NOT what I want, actually & actually thank you, bossman for being so much more polite than you were when i first started. i appreciate it & i think you’re funny, if not pleasant : )))))) love you bossman

  80.  #80lk on November 17, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    salami? wth is going on… the moon is making me FREAK OUT

  81.  #81lk on November 17, 2011 at 2:55 pm

    lol, or my friend says it’s the wind… but i’m thinking, the moon pulls the tides pull the wind ?

    omg please god make my phone stop ringing

  82.  #82Senior Lady Vibe on November 17, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    I really, really love this woman’s spirit. She is an inspiration and fun too.

    Lana has come a long way from her childhood in an Midwest American orphanage where she made her first communion wearing boys brown wing-tipped shoes.

    “The Right Pair of Shoes Can Change Your Life”

  83.  #83Senior Lady Vibe on November 17, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    Lana now has a shoe closet with many pairs of Christian Louboutin but she is also a down-to-earth and loving wife and mother. She’s a very
    nice, very girly and fun special lady. I adore her!


  84.  #84Starla on November 17, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    the wind drives me crazy. gets in my brain. cannot think straight.

    here is a great short essay about some maddening winds that i read in middle school.


  85.  #85Lizka on November 17, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    “Can we let go of our personal and collective pasts, and re-imagine and rewrite every moment NEW in the way that feels the most good to us as it’s happening, and STILL BUILD on what we’ve learned?”

    I feel I can do that. I want to do that. Wishing P could do that too so we could work out something. I don’t think he’s ready for that. I feel sad because I so would like to do that with him…

    He’s still not calling. 6 days now… I almost lean foward today and called him. I was dieing of asking him why he can’t call me and invite me for lunch. But than I got so busy at work and I completely forgot about calling him. And when I realised it felt good… Now the urge of calling or texting him is almost away. But still wondering why he can’t do the effort of calling me, he said he would 🙁 So sad…

  86.  #86Lilybelly on November 17, 2011 at 3:16 pm



    Sometimes, we have to accept that it’s “their” experience and not so much yours. You get to chose what you desire to have in your experience and let people have their own.

    I don’t think that “we” necessarily have to go in to deep self-reflection to figure out what is “wrong” with us to cause “them” to want to (fill in the blank) to us.

    Why must we immediately go inside as if there is something inherently wrong with us? Boundaries and allowing them their experience also works. A decent dose of self-reflection is good but too much has us too inside and not living enough.

    Just my two cents.

  87.  #87Butterfly wings on November 17, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    Awww I love you all! And your comments brought tears to my eyes – healing tears and tears of gratitude that you’re all here.

    None of what you said was new to me because the same thoughts have gone through my head many times!

    I’ve already told him I’m no longer meeting him tonight because the situation feels bad. I know he’ll hate that I’m out without him but I really don’t care – and I’m planning on having a great night too!

    He texted me earlier offering me a “proper” date. I haven’t accepted it though. And here’s what else I said: TH, all I want is to be with somebody who genuinely wants me around. Not some guy who wants nothing more than FWB and who thinks it’s fine to ditch me after an hour so I have to walk home alone. Especially when other women who are allegedly “just friends” get better treatment and are welcome at your home.  I feel like tonight’s offer was purely just to shut me up – not because you actually want me there.

     It’s probably more blamey than I’d like but I said what I wanted to say. He replied with “ok”.

  88.  #88Lizka on November 17, 2011 at 3:23 pm


    Re 7: Oh Thank you Tinque! It’s a wonderful gift! I will definitly follow you on Facebook!


  89.  #89Butterfly wings on November 17, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    As for the walking home situation, I walk that way home every day (or night if I work late or go out) and its very safe.

    I was upset because I realized that his invite out consisted only of an hour of his company before I was ditched to find my way home alone. Ick.

    And when I first brought it up he went on about how the last time I was there we had a fight so he didn’t. Want me there.

    Fine. Go find someone who’s happy with FWB then cos I’m most certainly not!

  90.  #90Butterfly wings on November 17, 2011 at 3:27 pm

    Sorry for my spam everyone! Lol

    Today I’m not feeling sad or down. I’m feeling angry and confident! I know I deserve a lot better (I also told him that last night) and I know I can get out there and get it!

    Tonight I will be open to meeting somebody new! Yay me!

    F*ck him. He’s going to be the loser here because once I’m gone I won’t be back!

  91.  #91Starla on November 17, 2011 at 3:31 pm

    lk, good job leaning back.

    really nice job! that must be so hard.

  92.  #92tinque on November 17, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    Lizka – You are so welcome. I feel overwhelmed by your excitement. Keep up your amazing work.


  93.  #93luzydel on November 17, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    Feeling better today, taking my vitamins eating healthy, and letting go. When I think about him, instead of resisting the urge to cry, I just cry; then I feel better and start doing other things. Cocking some yum pasta and tomorrow going to the movies with my son…I feel things getting better.

    And I have come to realize that hes just a guy, a special one maybe, but hes not mine. And I don’t need to do things to make him love me. If he wanted to he would.

  94.  #94luzydel on November 17, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    Love my typos 🙂

  95.  #95Daria on November 17, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    BW – aww 🙁 i feel all sad and helpless…

    it seems so much from over here that you’re shooting yourself in the foot…

    accepting the bad stuff and when the guy steps up – with the proper date

    then here would be your chance to be warm and open

    and maybe use some feeling messages if still upset…

    like: thank you, a proper date would feel wonderful, and actually im still feeling sad and angry from the other night and i feel unsure whether to accept

    but instead with that message you’re blaming him, telling him what he’s doing wrong and pushing him away all in one – it just CANT work to get you what you want 🙁

    Rori woudl encourage us to write those and rewrite right here to feeling messages

    ‘TH, all I want is to be with somebody who genuinely wants me around.

    It feels good to be with a man who wants me.

    Not some guy who wants nothing more than FWB and who thinks it’s fine to ditch me after an hour so I have to walk home alone.

    I’m feeling so angry about the other night and having to walk home alone. And i feel angry about our relationship feeling like friends with benefits.

    Especially when other women who are allegedly “just friends” get better treatment and are welcome at your home.

    I feel so furious and jealous and insecure thinking about another woman staying at your home and beign treated better than me. I feel second place and I don’t want that.

    I feel like tonight’s offer was purely just to shut me up – not because you actually want me there. (this was a total THOUGHT not a feeling)

    I feel unsure whether I want to accept the offer tonight. I’m feeling distant and mistrustful and awful.


    I would feel great if this helps some. Using the words that you wrote will NOT work. They remind me much of the words I used to use with men. They create drama. They create unhappy men who can’t commit to you because it feels unsafe, even though they want to be with you. I am practicing not using those words myself, when I feel triggered.

    which is right now, with Hawkman…


  96.  #96Lilybelly on November 17, 2011 at 3:56 pm


    Me too. 😉

  97.  #97Daria on November 17, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    Hawkman just called but did not leave a message.

    I want to call and ‘make everything ok’ by connecting because last time’s talk was so awful.

    But i don’t usually return calls with no voicemail.

    so i won’t or it won’t feel satisfying, and it won’t heal.

    big love to me

  98.  #98Lizka on November 17, 2011 at 3:58 pm


    re 33 “I feel scared that I CD too much & people will think I’m a slXt, a tease, or not serious… But it is the opposite, actually. I’m superopen to possibilities, superhonest when I don’t want to do something or when I do want something, superslow about physical stuff, & veryserious about finding what I want : ) ”

    I feel exactly the same way and all my life, without knowing it was CDing (and without really controling anything…) I felt scared that people would think I’m this or that. And I actually know they think that. But you know what? I let them think and I turn it as a joke. Some friends call m slxt as a joke. And I let them think. They still like me anyway. And I know inside of me that I’m super slow with getting physical and I don’t care if they think the opposite.

    I know what to feel. Now I want to learn to CD properly and I will continue not to care what people think!! I love your way of doing it and I feel inspired by you everyday since I’ve been on that blog… so for about 2 weeks. lol


  99.  #99lk on November 17, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    @Starla 84

    oh thank youuuuu I do love joandidion : )))

    & thanks for the support!!! I am going to go get a beer with him in a minute. I can be a good girl. Yes, I can do that! I can leanback & be softopen & also have boundaries & share them softlyopenly : )

    I love men; I only want to be physical with men when I feel safe & when they want to give me the things that I want : )

  100.  #100Daria on November 17, 2011 at 4:03 pm

    ok i tried to write the post before that with my heart open

    cuz im doing the heart chakra EFT and margert said basically wehn we judge instantly our hert closes

    and it feels ‘different’ not heartfelt

    so that is my practice now

    open heart while i write

  101.  #101Lizka on November 17, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    Thank you tinque. I saw on your Facebook page that you speak French. I have a question for you and to all of those who speak french also.

    I start being super comfortable about feeling messages. I started using them everywhere, here, with my friends, with my collegues, even with my clients!! But I do that mostly when I speak English. I find it weird to say “I feel” in French. I think there’s a lot of feelings that yo can’t express in French with “je me sens”. Like it’s pretty weird to say all day stuff like “je me sens excitée à propos de…”, “je me sens déçue”, and ok I don’t have anything else in mind right now. But often in the last days, while talking in French, I caught myself not knowing what to say. Does it has the same effect if I say just “JE SUIS excitée à propos de…” or “JE SUIS déçue” ?

    Or do you have any proposition on what can be said for feeling messages in French? I use English at work and in my texting with E, but with P and my other CDs, I speak French and I have no clue how I can do feeling messages…

    Do you understand what I mean?

  102.  #102Daria on November 17, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    stood up again!

    i think im smoking out lots of guys with this no text back, no return callsw out voicemail, no last minute dates, no long phone talks before meeting thing

    maybe i have to smoke out lots and lots of them and then the creamy ones will show up

    then i will start to feel attracted to them

    i feel doubts , but really so waht if a thousand guys get blown off if there are other ones sitll showing up…

  103.  #103Daria on November 17, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    Lizka – I try using ‘je me sens’ anyway even though it feels weird

    men love the vibe when I talk this way

    and “i feel” felt REALLY weird for me in english too…at first

  104.  #104Radiance on November 17, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    @93 luzydel

    “And I have come to realize that hes just a guy, a special one maybe, but hes not mine. And I don’t need to do things to make him love me. If he wanted to he would.”

    Beautifully said, and it helps me.

    I am new posting. Have lurked on and off for months. I am finding wonderful insights through Rori and all of you. I feel very grateful for this community of siren women that expose their softness and their strengths for anyone who stumbles in to gain so many valuable gems. You all rock!! 🙂

  105.  #105Starla on November 17, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    i haven’t been able to do this in spanish, either.

    though the transitory-ness is built in to “estoy”

    i still am not sure if it’s the same as “me siento.” but me siento is really, really weird in my opinion. Would sound sorethumb weird to a native speaker.

  106.  #106Starla on November 17, 2011 at 4:31 pm

    then there’s also “ponerse” for feelings

    i think in general the spanish language is more equipped to handle emotions, and that is okay.

    but in english, the only decent option we have is “i feel” as an alternative to “i am”

  107.  #107Daria on November 17, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    mmm i feel good

    ive been eating lots of starches sugar and carbs lately

    and my body is digesting them really well

    i found out that while walking, eating sugar makes my legs go go go so i put in no effort

    its really cool!

    sugar is go go go juice

    then when the sugar is low, womph pawie, im cranky


  108.  #108Daria on November 17, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    quondo yo hablo espanol con mis CD’s yo digo

    yo me siento cansada

    me siento como que… tengo hambre

    mmm me siento bien

    me siento enojada

    it’s well worht the verbal “running around” as it is in english

    se siente mas douce? como se dice soft en espanol?

  109.  #109luzydel on November 17, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    the pasta was delicious, I wanted to do some exercise, but later lol I feel full 😉

  110.  #110Daria on November 17, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    i actually feel kinda tightened up and defensive thinking about this

    i feel very pleased with myself that i found ways to say feel in other languages

    and the experience of using them has felt lovely, yay

    and now here when im reading opinions that the way i do it would sound weird, or it can’t be done

    i feel all tightened up around my tummy

    and i feel mad!


    here come the ‘i don’t cares’ hello defenses

    im feeling frightened!

    i shoulda shuttup beforehand and let them do it without my input… it doesnt matter anyway plus they won’t listen to the ‘crazy girl’


    im feeling mad!

    im feeling kinda scared now!

    umf umf umf

    thanks upper tummy tightness

    love to me

  111.  #111Lizka on November 17, 2011 at 4:51 pm


    Re 95

    I don’t know if it helped BW but it will certainly help me. Thank you!

  112.  #112Daria on November 17, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    me siento asustada

    y furiosa

    me siento curiosa tambien

    y me siento bien llena. con candies de fruit y nueces.

    y ahora ya me siento lista de hacer… algo

    siento el sucre hablando con mi cuerpo

    andale andale vamos hacer algo

    vamos a caminar

    no te sienta aqui en la cama

    te vas sentir mal

    bueno ya has comido el sucre y tienese que hagar algo


    eso no es la verdad

    es uno de los modos que me hablo que no me gusta



    mucho amor

    por la parte de mi que quiere ordonar me como un soldat

    si yo hablo romspanglish

    y que

    siento que tengo miedo


    y ahora estoy riendo. laughing.


    si siento el quarto me siento bien comoda aqui. el aero es bien warm. warm chaud en francais.. oh caliente

    si me siento bien calientita


    quireo agua

    siento que tengo soif? la ce’st en francais tambien

    ci ce’st romfraspanglish

  113.  #113Lizka on November 17, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    Thank you Daria, didn’t know you speak French!

    There’s some “je me sens” that sounds ok, but some I just CAN’T use and it’s annoying me badely!! I want to be fluent in “je me sens” language! hehe

  114.  #114Daria on November 17, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    i feel scared to read other posts

    i can protect myself by not reading anything and just writing

    even though, i think i feel a lil bored or down

    what do i want

    i know i actually want to vacuum my room and take out the mattress

    ok i am gonna do that then

  115.  #115Ella on November 17, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    Oh Wow Sirens,

    I have just come back from a date with SuperstepupCD and I am sitting on my bed surrounded by the gifts he brought me.

    He actually bought me a bag of gifts… just small things he collected that he thought I would like or could use. Really thoughtful stuff.

    And he brought me flowers too. Mixed roses.

    This is our second date.

    Well he came and collected me and took me for a meal followed by a walk along the clifftops overlooking the town, under the stars.

    It was great.

    He treats me so nice.

    I still have some fears come up like woah, this feels so full on, with all his attention on me, coming at me…

    And he is not what I would usually go for looks wise… He is quite big, although he is fit (healthy).

    He held me when we were looking out to see and then he went to kiss me.

    I was not sure if I wanted to or not and what I would do if he tried and I felt worried that I would not feel attracted and that I would feel turned off.

    And I just stood there and let him kiss me on the lips for a few seconds, and I was suprised, it actually felt quite nice.

    In fact I felt a bit turned on which really suprised me and then I pulled away.

    And then in the car on the way home I was noticing fears popping up… and anxiousness and I don’t even know why, and I silently riffed, and then I felt ok and stayed in the moment.

    And now I am home and I know I am feeling some bit anxious cus I immediately started eating food, even though I am not at all hungry, which is what I have often done to stuff down anxiety.

    So I stopped that and decided to feel it.

    And here I am.

    Oh and other CD who I told abou my financial issues continues to call and text all the time, despite my lack of responses as have been busy. He sounds nice on the phone and he seems like a really caring man.

    Maybe I should meet him soon although it feels a bit weird that he keeps calling and texting even though I don’t reply often.

    Oh and while I was out on my date tonight I had a missed call from CD1.

    And when I saw it I felt kinda heavy and like sinking heart.

  116.  #116tinque on November 17, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    lizka – I’m with Daria on this one. On English it feels just as weird and awkward when first used. It’s just not done much. I actually that when I speak French, it comes to me more readily than English. Not sure why. Je me sens confus. (bdr = beaucoup de rires [also not said, but I say it anyway])


  117.  #117Lizka on November 17, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    Thank you Tinque, Daria and Starla for your toughts about my language issue. Maybe it will me to be release from my fear of saying I feel in French. I will start practicing tomorrow with my french collegues and friends.

  118.  #118tinque on November 17, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    whoa, I guess I love my typos too. lol

  119.  #119Lizka on November 17, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    Oups… “maybe it will HELP ME TO BE RELEASED”… makes more sense like that!

  120.  #120Ella on November 17, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    Oh and I noticed generally how relaxed and warm I feel around SSU CD… and we laugh a lot.

    And at one point he was telling me some stuff about how he feels.

    He is in the army, which I am unsure how I feel about… in some ways I quite like it and in some ways it makes me feel afraid and put off.

    Anyway he was telling me about an experience he went through and he he still gets some post traumatic stress and I was unsure how to react. I mean I realised that it is sometimes hard for me to hear other people when they are being real and vulnerable and for me to stay authentic in those moments, and not try to soothe or make better or whatever, how hard it is to actually just sit there and keep eye contact and listen.

    Felt intense.

    And I did just sit and listen.

    And after when I fel as though he had finished talking I got out the car (he was dropping me off outside my house).

    And afterwards I felt a lil worried that I may have seemed uncaring. Cus I did not try to comfort, and then I left soon after…

    I just figured I would listen, and that he can handle it… and I feel worried of being an uncaring biatch.

    Wow, I feel afraid of being thought of as mean and selfish.

    Oh well, I love my mean and selfish.


    Anyway he has invited me to some other stuff with him… he wants me to go and see where he lives and maybe meet some of his friends.

    And I told him I will feel better if we date and take things slowly, and I don’t want to block him out, and on the other hand I need to CD.

    I mean its important to CD until I have the comittment I want with a man I know…

    And at the moment he is taking up a lot of my time, so I am finding it hard to make time for others… he keeps booking me up!


  121.  #121Daria on November 17, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    move the legs

    big hips

    says the sugar

    and im sitting down

    it goes thru my head and spins

    headache headache

    move the big legs its says


    in 30 min i will

    now now now now now now

    thank you thank you

    i can go out now

    you’re right


    i will go out before my friend is here

    how about thatQ!

  122.  #122Daria on November 17, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    i laid on my back and did the bycicle

    omph feeling big brreathing

    i can also do t-tapp ho downs for my blood sugar

    then it will REALy go downa nd i only want it down a lil bit

    so it doesnt swim and sing in my head

  123.  #123Lizka on November 17, 2011 at 5:31 pm

    When I saw E last Tuesday, he said we would see each other on Friday. We’re Thursday and he hasn’t call to confirm. Should I still not make plan? I am definitly not calling him to have the confirmation I want, but when should I start making other plans? And if I make plans and he calls me? I’m gonna seem like I’m not interested, no?

  124.  #124Daria on November 17, 2011 at 5:31 pm

    its back singing

    get the cinnamon!


  125.  #125Ella on November 17, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    Lol, loving the discussions around FMs in other languages.

    You Sirens ROCK and French sounds so sexy to me.

  126.  #126Ella on November 17, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    Oh and on the date tonight SSU CD kept telling me how lovely I looked.

    And as we got up to leave the restaurant the Chinese Waitress said to him ‘Wow, she is beautiful, is she a model, you are very lucky!’.


    It felt kinda weird to be spoken about in the third person and I also felt really flattered and special, te he.

  127.  #127LILI 41 on November 17, 2011 at 5:54 pm

    Sirens I really need your help in a big way right now.

    BW, I wish you were here w me right now.

    I was bragging here on the blog about how I had healed my jealousy issue about D’s clingy lady neighbour.
    I spoke to him in FMs about and that’s when he finally understood, he was very compassionate towards me. He started saying how he saw for himself that she was a troublemaker. He was giving her the cold shoulder and ignoring her invitations.

    Will you believe that she and her sister went to his vacation trip w him this past week?

    I never go on FB anymore, but I followed Tinque’s post on there, then went to snoop on his FB profile. He put up a new profile picture where you see his looks a lot better and closer up.

    He sister in law, who has been her partner-in-crime in posting stuff on there to trigger my jealousy, posted a “bon voyage” message on his wall and referred to me.

    I am reeling in shock right now!!! I’m shaking, my skin is numbing out…the crying is coming :'(

    He husband can’t be blind to their flirting! How can he let her go without him! Even if her sister is there.
    I’ve partied w these 2 women in the past and they’re really heavy drinkers…and so is D.

    How can he think that this is humanly right, or even OK?!?

    This is unimaginable to me. Am I just a smoke screen for their affair?

    If he were in front of me right now, I don’t know how I would be able to stop myself from beating him up.

    There’s no FM on earth that won’t make me look bad in this situation.

    This reminds me way too much of my situation w my ex. It’s like these men would bend over backwards just to hurt me in the biggest way possible.

    What do I do with this?

  128.  #128Ladybug on November 17, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    My Hayseed is so adorable, I call him my Adorable Hayseed.

    I was so angry at him! I was going to do this and I was going to do that to get my point across to him! I was going to feed his pie to the raccoons and give him a handful of crumbs! But when we saw each other again, he wrapped his arms around me and loved all over me and I melted all over him.

    “Oh yeah! When you behave that way toward me around your friends, I know you feel bad doing it, so you probably don’t notice how bad I feel when you do it.”

    Total remorse! Deep, intimate conversation on needs and expectations. I told him I someday hoped to have real relationship with him. That seemed to sooth his insecurities and something shifted. It gave him a lot to think about and he’s thinking! The next day at my place he told he’s been alone a long time, he’s used to space, lots and lots of space. He’s only had girlfriends. (what does THAT mean, what’s he thinking?) I told him perhaps I like unavailable men because I’m not always available, either.

    Then I gave him hot kraut kuchens, got silly, cut my last pink rose and looked for a place to put in on his suspenders. I put it through a hole in his shirt. He beams with joy when I give him that kind of silly attention.

    I can never stay angry at this man. He knows when he blows it, so grateful that I forgive easily and he works hard to open up and correct himself. He’s adorable, goofy, odd, sensitive and willing to please me.

  129.  #129LILI 41 on November 17, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    I really need to get far far away from this man!

  130.  #130Ladybug on November 17, 2011 at 6:00 pm


    Hugs, Honey.

    My advice, walk away, walk away walk away. Block the facebook pages, don’t look back. Take time to heal and give your Jerk Alert a fine tune up so you steer clear of people like this in the future.

  131.  #131Ella on November 17, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    Lilli 41

    Gosh, wow.

    Are you absolutely sure that they are on vacation with him?

    Or could it be just another thing written a certain way to spark a reaction in you?

    Because the last thing I remember reading about this was how D was getting fed up with her keep throwing herself at him and how she was humiliating herself this way…

    Are you sure that this is not some kind of misunderstanding?

    What does it say on facebook? What are the facts.

    For you right now, I would say breath…. And try not to jump to any conclusions.

  132.  #132LILI 41 on November 17, 2011 at 6:15 pm

    Hhhooo, I was feeling so good about myself. I was so happy to be feeling so good and strong about myself before he came back from his vacation tonight.

    Now that’s all down the drain. I feel soooo bad. I feel like such a fool.
    How can he claim to love me, and then treat me like that? Am I so awful that I deserve these people ganging up on me to kick me around like that?
    I mean her sister-in-law posting that on FB and targeting me directly? She’s done that before and he was totally turned off by it. How could he think that this situation wouldn’t hurt me?

    And I can’t say anything without looking like the big victim.

    All I can say to him is that I’ve done some thinking while he was gone and I’ve come to the decision that we can no longer see each other bc we will never workout together, that he’s just not for me.

    I can’t mention anything about FB, or his neighbour…it would just go against me. Not 1 of this threesome has any regard for my feelings whatsoever, they will even stomp on them as hard as they can. 1 word about it from me, and I will just be the crazy psycho jealous gf in their eyes. It will just prove to them what they already think.

    My best f who lives next door is already sleeping, away at her mom’s house. My other bf just moved away in another city and I haven’t gotten her new phone# yet. They both told me so. But I had to stick it out bc I believed I had so much to learn from it, the same way with my ex.

    I really thought that this one would end differently, that I would learn to be a confident siren from this and either move on or see him change towards me, but he just got worse…and I’m ending up in the same scenario as w my ex.

  133.  #133Ice Princess on November 17, 2011 at 6:23 pm

    Oh Lili, I totally understand how you feel. It’s the worst feeling ever and I know what am saying right now is so much easier to say than do but you may be right when you say that you need to get away from him at the very least just for a while so that he can realize that you are more important than a stupid neighbor lady! (((hugs)))

  134.  #134LILI 41 on November 17, 2011 at 6:23 pm


    Her sister-in-law posted on his FB wall:

    “Wishing you and N a great vacation, I know you’ll keep a good eye on her and her sis while you’re out there this week. Btw, when you get back, I need my tires changed too when you get back.”

    The last sentence was referring to me. I was standing next to my car in his driveway while he was bent down installing my winter tires. She was standing at her big picture window directly next to us, and she knocked on the glass to get my attention. When I looked up at her, she gave me a thumbs up.
    I took it as a friendly gesture as if to say “good for you making a man work for you”. I saw it as she was all over our disagreement and was warming up to me.

    I don’t get it! He was even shopping for houses w me bc he said he would be more than happy to move away from his overbearing neighbour! WTF!!!

  135.  #135Daria on November 17, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    Lizka – pretty much with men we don’t have to worry about seeming uninterested.

    if men don’t set a time with me, i usually don’t count it as a set date

    i would make new plans already now

    if he calls, Rori has a script, oh i feel so disappointed it would have felt so good to go out with you, and im sorry i already made other plans… im free later on this week…

  136.  #136Ice Princess on November 17, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    Errr I’m getting mad for you Lili!

  137.  #137LILI 41 on November 17, 2011 at 6:34 pm

    What I feel w her is that she’s jealous of me and is competing w me, and it’s been like this since I had been w him only 4 months. That was 2 years ago.

    Everything I do w him, she does w him. She imitates everything I do w him.

    She saw me dancing w him like in the movie “dirty dancing”, then a few months later at a party, she imitated my dance moves w him move per move. She even rubbed up against him like I did…In front of me and her husband!

    She saw us leaving the driveway on his motorcycle, then she asked him for a ride, got her sister-in-law to take pictures and posted them on FB.

    I posted vacation pictures of me and him on my FB. Now she went to the exact same vacation spot w him. Of course she will take pictures and post them on there and make sure to tag him.

    This is crazy behaviour by both of them and I need to get away from those 2.

  138.  #138Butterfly wings on November 17, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    OMG Lili! Are you sure D and TH haven’t been swapping notes????? Unbelievable!

    That is definitely like something TH would do, and although I don’t think he’d “cheat” on me, I really think he just loves the female attention and probably brags to his friends about it.

    I hate it. I really hate it.

    But already today I’ve had people tell me how hot i look today and I know TH has noticed. And I know he’ll message me later asking me to join him. I’ve already decided that I’ll turn him down. He won’t like it either because he knows I’ll definitely be hit on at some point tonight. But he’s made the choice to treat me this way so if I find somebody else it’s purely because he didn’t want to treat me like I was something of value.

    I soooo wish you were here Lili – we’d have a fantastic night tonight! xxxx

  139.  #139LILI 41 on November 17, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    WTH is the sireny thing to do under these circumstances?

  140.  #140Butterfly wings on November 17, 2011 at 6:37 pm

    Daria, thank you for your post earlier. I’m going to copy that and use it for next time. Good advice around the wording. xx

  141.  #141LILI 41 on November 17, 2011 at 6:43 pm


    I’ve done that scenario of looking hot and going out without him. He was so crazy paranoid that he called my cell 3x that night even at midnight. He also had called my home phone 3x.
    I didn’t even check my caller id or my missed calls until he told me the next day in the afternoon when he called me again and finally reached me.

    But that didn’t do any good, it did at the moment, but look at what he’s doing now!

    He can’t be thinking that he can behave like this and things will just be fine between us. To me, this is a behaviour worth breaking up for good and he’s not dumb enough to not know that.

    This is not the behaviour of a man that is in love w me and knows that I’m the one for him. This is the behaviour of a man that is pretty sure I’m not the one, but is just not capable of being alone without a woman so he’s will do the strict minimum to keep stringing me along.

  142.  #142Butterfly wings on November 17, 2011 at 6:48 pm

    Lili, I’m still blown away by how similar our situations are… We do not deserve this. We are worth much much more than we’re getting from these guys.

    TH has asked me to go on a “proper” date tomorrow night and I’m still not sure whether to accept, so might use some of what Daria said earlier.

    I need the right words to say to him so he knows he’s officially demoted. It’s hard because he practically lives at my house, and stays several nights a week. He pays his way and buys me groceries too, so from the outside we look like a normal couple. The reality is quite different!

    Maybe Daria can help you with a speech too Lili. Stuffing it down won’t help so something must be said – but the words are the bit I often get wrong!

    I know TH has feelings for me and I know he loves my company. And when things are good, it’s great! But then he pulls something like this and I wonder if the good stuff was just an act.

    I’m not sure if I can cut him right out of my life, so I need to find a way to put him on the back of my horse. He is now a snack (loved that blog post!)!

  143.  #143Lizka on November 17, 2011 at 6:48 pm

    Thank you Daria. I understand what you mean. But we’ve been doing that for really long, saying this day or this day and not really setting times… I really feel that if I say “I made other plans” he’s gonna be like “WTF? She forgot we said we would hang out?” I still feel doubtful about saying that…

  144.  #144LILI 41 on November 17, 2011 at 7:04 pm

    Trying to find the pattern here. Coz this is the exact same thing as w my ex.

    My ex was incompatible w me, in all aspects. We were way too different. His coworker was at our house at a party: She sat next to me giving me the once over, checking me out from head to toe and hanging on my every word while I was talking to other people. I felt her vibe of “I want what you have”.
    My reaction was to compete.She ended up getting him.
    I am fine with that now, bc I honestly find that they are a really good match.

    D is the type of man I wanted. I really wasn’t ready for him. I was cold and shutoff when I started dating him. He was crazy about me for the 1st 4 months. After that he reacted to my being shutoff by starting to toss me aside at parties and flirting with the neighbour.
    I reacted the same way, by competing.
    I found Rori’s tools, expressed myself in FMs. I really thought that I had that healed. He had turned around on her.
    She found a way to invite herself on this trip.
    I just found out now, but before he left, I was hoping that he would cancel and book a weekend retreat for just the 2 of us.
    I feel like such a fool that I would even think that I could be so important to him.

    Of course he couldn’t tell her no, bc honouring her feelings are much more important than honouring mine.

  145.  #145Butterfly wings on November 17, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    Yep Lili he’s doing the minimum because he can. Maybe he needs more nights of being paranoid?

    I want to say something to TH like (not in these words though): I don’t want to be a FWB. I want to be with somebody who values me enough to know that FWB is not good enough for me. I want to feel safe, but right now I don’t feel safe. Instead I feel afraid of having my heart broken – over and over again. I don’t want to feel this way.

    I want a real relationship where I can feel happy and secure and I know I feel loved at all times.

    What can we do about this?

    I don’t know… Just putting it out there…. I think I need to get a lot clearer on what I do and don’t want.

  146.  #146Lizka on November 17, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    Oh Lili and BW, I really feel your pain.

    While reading your posts, I told myself “mmm P never did something like that to me”. And than some memories came back. Not as bad as your stories. But he has a lot of friends that are girls, and often he was out drinking with them and not responding to my phone calls. My heart aches now thinking of that time. And I feel like crying. And than I thought that this morning, one of my male collegue who went on a trip with him last winter (we were still a couple in that time), P told him he tought that his brother’s girlfriend was so hot and he would like to go out with her. I rethink about this and I feeling so sad. He had me at that time… I know it’s sooo nothing compare to your stories, but it really feels painful right now. I miss him so badely. I want the things to be fixed up. I want him to call me. And I know that tomorrow it’s probably one of his girl friend’s birthday party and he’s probably gonna be there and have all the girls attention. I have to stop thinking but I can’t help myself.

    I so want to call him now and just ask why he’s not calling. I’m so about to do it. I know it’s a bad thing. The only reason I am not doing it is that it’s Thursday night and he’s most probably out to some bars with his collegues or with friends. Maybe girls. Oh poor me, I’m so hurt. And when I try to stop thinking about him, there’s always someone at my office to talk about him because he use to work with us and was very appreciated by everyone…

    And in the mail today, I got 2 tickets for an exhibition at the museum that my old faculty at University sent me. The exhibition is about India. P traveled to India for almost one year and he loves it and always talk about it and everything. I so want to call him to invite me to the exhibition.

    Oh I’m having a bad time right now. 🙁

  147.  #147LILI 41 on November 17, 2011 at 7:22 pm


    After doing what he just did, I would be surprised that he would even call me.

    He for sure is expecting a big outburst of rage from me. I’m not going there, I’m so beyond anger right now.

    I feel sorry for myself. I turn every man’s head, I laugh easily, people find me funny. WTF? What a waste!

    What is it about me that men just want to throw me on the floor and kick me around?

    Does anyone have a good FM for me on this one?

    Not that I expect he’ll be calling me. He has to know that this is a dealbreaker. I cannot imagine him having the guts to call me as if nothing after this.

  148.  #148Lizka on November 17, 2011 at 7:31 pm


    “What is it about me that men just want to throw me on the floor and kick me around?”

    Please don’t say that. This is way too hard. I really doubt that it’s about you and that you deserve that. No one does. I can not help you a lot, I don’t feel comfortable giving advices because I’m pretty new in the Siren world, but I know for sure that you don’t deserve to think like that about yourself. Maybe this is the first step about feeling better.

    But you’re not alone to feel left behind.

    Big hugs, I’m gonna go to bed, cry a little and sleep. Tomorrow is a big day for me and I should be able not to think too much. Wishing you the same.

    Good night girls! xoxo

  149.  #149LILI 41 on November 17, 2011 at 7:42 pm


    I’ve been doing this going out without him to places and w people that drove him crazy paranoid at least 5 or 6 times since last summer.
    I’ve cutout the s*x for the past 2 months. I had told him that I don’t feel good being in the role of a FWB, bc that’s not what I want w him. I told him that I wanted more w him.
    I had s*x with him once during those 2 months, after which I said the next morning “I feel cheap bc I don’t feel important to you.”

    I feel like I’ve done it all and the last thing left is to walk away completely.

    If he can say to me about her that she’s a troublemaker and that’s why he wants to create a distance with her, then turn around and go on vacation w her…Then what is he saying to her about me? He knows she hates me.
    The only reason she has to hate me is that I went to talk to her calmly to share my feelings with her about her flirting w D. It backfired on me when she started screaming murder about it.
    D even said he couldn’t get over how she overreacted and that he’s fed up of her behaviour about it…and look at what he’s doing.
    How can this not feel like he’s purposely hurting me.

    My bf has been telling me that from the outside, it looks like he’s interpreting all of my leaning back as rejection. She says it looks like every time I do 1 little thing to lean back, he strikes at me with revenge.

    Am I being closed off and shutoff by setting a boundary of no s*x without committment?

    Is he too emotionally weak for me?

  150.  #150Butterfly wings on November 17, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    I’m thinking that he’s too emotionally weak for you. Like TH with me, if he really wanted to step up then he would.

    Problem is, he only ever steps up when I get upset. That’s after initially telling me I’m overreacting. And when he does step up, I stupidly think that it means I mean more to him than I actually do. Argh!

  151.  #151lk on November 17, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    my FM to sqw when he next contacts me:

    oh hi! Yes! I like to hear from you. I want to talk to you.

    oh&how are you &how is yourlife? mmmmmok

    yes, i am well…&yes very good lovely & writing & playing & music-ing & dancing yes

    & actually I have been feeling weird about this friendship – yes & i do like hearing from you & i do like sharing music, yes i do – & i like you, i do… & thank you for being my friend, i do like you, yes,

    & actually sometimes i feel strange because it seems we are mis-communicating so frequently, like our cadences are off, like our pacing is strange, yes & schedules & school&work yes & other things yes nearby things like concerts&rain yes

    i think i will feel better if you call me when you want to talk – yes, i will want to talk to you & it would feel better to me than getting long emails from you or chatting on email yes i do like to talk to you on the phone, it is fun & I like it & do want to do it, thank you

    & yes it would feel great for you to send me songs in email – that would feel fine, yes & maybe just a short note in the email, yes fine

    & if you want to really talk, then yes do call, or don’t it’s fine : )

    Thank you for listening to me, i feel safe & i feel heard

  152.  #152Daria on November 17, 2011 at 8:02 pm

    Lizka – if he usually comes thru on ‘this day that day’ then it’s safe to assume he will this time too.

    And so you can expect him to show up.

    But doing it this way you are kinda left at a mans mercy – for the whole day.

    A good rule of thumb is… As a woman, you Never wait for a man.

  153.  #153LILI 41 on November 17, 2011 at 8:04 pm


    “I want a real relationship where I can feel happy and secure and I know I feel loved at all times.”

    I really appreciate your help. But I’ve said exactly that one to him before.

    I’m starting to see that this is a feminine energy man.
    He went through the exact same thing I did. His wife had an affair behind his back for a whole year w his best friend. All 3 of them worked at the same place, and everyone at work knew except him.
    How could he suffer that humiliation, know that I suffered that same humiliation…and keep humiliating me like this.

    In the beginning, I thought to myself: Who better to trust than someone who’s been through the same thing as me, and at the same time to top it off.
    Wouldn’t you think who better to understand each other and support each other?
    Who better to understand how scared I was to get close?
    Who better to know how to comfort me?
    Who better to comfort him?
    Truth is, I was way too insecure myself to even see his doubts for what they were and comfort him.
    He was too insecure and took all of my insecurity as rejection.
    So the 2 people that should be the 2 best at understanding each other, turn to be too bruised and dammaged from their former relationships to even be there for each other.

  154.  #154lk on November 17, 2011 at 8:07 pm

    walked out on my dinner bill accidentally — all, not my business, la di da

    exCD must have paid for it… he was massaging me because I asked & it was so intense I had to press against the wall to support myself… he said it was like massaging an alien. we are weird. lots of sxx jokes almost serious between us. cr8zy energy… not out alone either, with a friend & her husband & their baby… also, before we even went into the restaurant, he pulled me into his car & we smxked LOL I played my dubstep through his stereo & he was all nervous… hahahahaha i can’t believe he did that with me! he hates doing “bad” things… was weird being back in that car.

    I think he’s dating someone kind of right now. would not surprise me at all. i wouldn’t date him unless he superstepped up, like all serious & marrymebaby lol

  155.  #155lk on November 17, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    no slxt shaming
    no slxt shaming
    no slxt shaming

    I am going to be celibate until i’m happy with all my hair all grown out. I am going to be celibate until i can lay down with someone in broad daylight nxked & feel absent of judgment for my own body.

    mmm i do love to be that close to someone & have all your other desires be replaced with pure desire for closeness & more closeness & total fusion really if that can be managed – wow. yes i want that.

  156.  #156Daria on November 17, 2011 at 8:14 pm

    ‘): I don’t want to be a FWB. I want to be with somebody who values me enough to know that FWB is not good enough for me. I want to feel safe, but right now I don’t feel safe. Instead I feel afraid of having my heart broken – over and over again. I don’t want to feel this way.’

    Waw this feels exciting!

    I feel scared to even say what I would tweak.

    Well the second line cuz I don’t want to say something that might directly refer to something he has done

    Even so it feels real.

    This is wassup.

    I mean, I still feel angry about the fwb suggestion.

    I don’t want that.

    Actually, I like the original speech better.

  157.  #157Daria on November 17, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    Daria stop tweaking people’s stuff!

    Shut tip bitch!


    Why are my voices arguing like this?


    I feel panicked and sad and stuck


    I’m feeling huungry. 🙁

  158.  #158Daria on November 17, 2011 at 8:18 pm

    I feel frustrated and blaming of my cd.


    That’s ok.

    Something else

    I love me.

  159.  #159lk on November 17, 2011 at 8:20 pm

    How scary to imagine that!

    Reality check:

    “Special razors, different in shape from those used by men for face-shaving, are often used by women. Advertising campaigns also promote hair-removal products, such as depilatories and waxing kits.” LOL, thanks, Wikipedia “Leg shaving”

    Also: “The frequency of shaving also varies, with some women shaving their legs every day, and others shaving only at the start of summer, in anticipation of the wearing of a swimsuit.”

    I could do that! LOL the Annual Shave…. i could sell raffle tickets & host a real party : )

    I don’t know. Weird.

  160.  #160LILI 41 on November 17, 2011 at 8:25 pm


    I think that we really need to get a good handle on FMs.
    While I was going through all this w my ex, one of my close friends would tell me “stop beating him on the head, you will drive him straight into her arms that way. Bc when you get angry, your way of speaking feels like your beating him over the head. That feels bad to him, and if he doesn’t feel good w you, that is what will ultimately drive him away. If you accuse him long enough, he will prove you right. That’s how my ex provoked me into cheating on him. Bc after he’d been beating me on the head for so long, I thought to myself that he deserved it.”

    I definitely did not have a grip on my anger w my ex and w D. I did verbally slap D around. I was very harsh on him when I got angry. I made him feel bad about himself when he made mistakes from the start…and it all snowballed from there.
    He has to feel kicked around to want to kick me around like that. It’s like my angry speaches (instead of FMs) fed the monster.

    That’s why he will not have the guts to call me now that he’s back from there with her.

  161.  #161lk on November 17, 2011 at 8:44 pm

    Haha well I was so scared to call CD, i waited til so late & finally i was like, ohhh fine i will call him & not be resistant since he asked me to call, both on the phone & then in an email. so i flip open the phone, & it just answers – he called at that exact moment – he said it didn’t even ring once!! lol crazy & i was ready to talk, but did not even have to call myself which i really kind of hate.

  162.  #162lk on November 17, 2011 at 8:51 pm

    I’m feeling so great & loved after exCD gave me such a connecting massage – i really felt good & thankful.

    I want to send him real golden air love over the highway that connects us into his house, the cat, two dogs, his housemate, the housemate’s girlfriend, all through the whole house from the back of the crawl space under to the top of the attic space where the old christmas things are… all full of love, all open & nurturing & sustaining & rhythmic & calming & healing & satiating & fulfilling & embracing & rocking & settling & life yes good life & happy & peaceful & love, full of love, yes brimming & the car & the trees too & of course him, his toes, legs, his soft back, yes & his softening shoulders & his dark hair & dark eyes & fill his insides & his mind & heart with that love.

    mm thank you exCD you are sweet & i know you have hurt in your life & i do want you to feel healed & i do love you : )

  163.  #163Starla on November 17, 2011 at 8:57 pm

    There is a woman who posts here sometimes. her name starts with an X I think. She is from Spain. I would love to know if she uses feeling messages literally in her language.

    I’m convinced that in English, “feel” is *the* trigger word that serves us best, more than any other. But every language is so different and has different words to choose from, that their literal version of “to feel” could fall short for our sireny poetic purposes.

    I mean, in spanish there is a word for ‘start to feel,’ and for ‘physically feel,’ a word for how something ‘strikes you’ as a feeling, and then even active verb forms for the adjectives we would use to describe our feelings.

    I am wayyy in my head right now. Climbing out now. Mm nice it feels cozy here in my heart and pelvis.

  164.  #164Daria on November 17, 2011 at 8:59 pm

    I hate what Daria writes in the blog. I love me tho.

    I will torture myself like this and criticize and beat me up forever!!! Forever I say!


  165.  #165LILI 41 on November 17, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    Did I mention I hate FB.

    Allthough FB is so triggering for me, I found my very good friend’s message in there tonight. She gave me her new#. She moved away a month ago, and I feel very sad about that. She’s a 5 hour car drive away. She used to be just 30 minutes away.

    Starla, you just reminded of her.
    She is an expert at FMs. It comes so naturally to her. She never knew of Rori’s tools, but she just has it naturally.
    No matter how she’s been annoyed or angry at me, I always felt her love for me bc she always communicated it to me in FMs.
    She is my idol.
    She is so in tuned w her feelings, and she knows how to share them without blaming and accusing.
    I have so much to learn from her.
    I feel blessed to have her around. I want to attract more people like her in my life.

  166.  #166lk on November 17, 2011 at 9:15 pm

    wow my mom just txtd me:

    “Honey did you by chance borrow my pearl & lapis earrings?”

    I’m thinking heat boiling in my stomach, like dark laughing like, you’re such a bxtch, that’s so passive aggressive because i didn’t take your advice about cancelling a date. I would not wear your jewelry. I don’t even know where you keep your jewelry these days.

    Of course, i might have worn her earrings. It’s possible, i lived in that house for years & i visit. But i don’t even know what she’s talking about! Unless they’re the ones my dad gave her & then I know not to touch those, duhhhh

    But now I am thinking, yes, i do know what i look like wearing those earrings, so yes i have borrowed them at some point. Recently??? No recollection. But i’ve forgotten lots of things in my life… But why in the world would I have found her earrings & put them on?

    So this txt becomes a riddle…Oh, would you say it is like a koan? I don’t know.

  167.  #167Butterfly wings on November 17, 2011 at 9:20 pm

    Thank you Daria! I was able to use just about every suggestion you gave me. He’s not responded but I just noticed he had people at his desk.

    The married woman told me that the woman that he’s been catching up with was here to visit him earlier and I was MAD!!!!

    And I sent him a text to express my anger before sending one that was more feely after he responded.

    I’m not expecting anything from this exchange though, but what I do know is that I’m a FWB no more!!!!

    He can either offer me more or he’s officially moved to the back of my horse. His choice if he falls off or not…

  168.  #168lk on November 17, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    sometimes right before a second date, i think, oh no this is the last good night of mxsturbation material i have before you ruin it by talking

    LOL that sounds so bxtchy… & judgemental…. hmm

    i want to shut myself up, too

  169.  #169lk on November 17, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    sometimes i think ohhhh noooo i am a narcissist! while i am in the mirror trying to be like, oh prettybaby, goodgirl, straightspine, oh ok yes, good girl there you are…. & i’m like i’m blackhearted & hateful i’m the worst

    like no but it’s just me here in this life, right? oh, yes i do know about the infinite touching, the foreverfeeling, & yes I do like it yes i love it actually

    oh the love is better, i will love myself. i can do that & it is better to do that.

  170.  #170lk on November 17, 2011 at 9:47 pm

    @Lili41 162

    I feel a lot better when i never go on facebook. i don’t really want to have contact like that. it feel so much better to me to have a call or an email or a meeting in person : )

  171.  #171lk on November 17, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    I don’t want self-destructive energy. I want presence in the moment & acceptance of impermanence

    I want absence of self, actually – i want total destruction – or just the shaking away of that illusion of disconnection – that permanent connected something

    Oh, good there, those waves, the breath, i can ride on that

  172.  #172Starla on November 17, 2011 at 10:22 pm

    Thank you Starla for writing your professor and asking for a recommendation.

    Thank you Starla for making it to belly dance class

    Thank you Starla for letting CF drive me home from it.

    Thank you for starting to write your admissions essay

    Thank you for finding me a good recipe to bring to CF’s thanksgiving with his family which apparently is a freaking POT LUCK.

    Thank you for reminding me that it’s even better that I get to cook something and bring it over because it is an opportunity to win them over with BACON (no one can resist the sultry lure of bacon).

    Thank you thank you thank you again for writing that letter. Thank you for finding a good Spanish speaker to proofread it before sending it.

  173.  #173Daria on November 17, 2011 at 10:25 pm

    Butterfly – i notice a pattern of talking about the relationship in terms of “his choice”

    is this something that feels dramatic and beautiful and kiunda fun to say? sometimes i notice myself getting ‘melodramatic mean’ with a man – like Hawkman – and then catch myself thinking “oh I ALWAYS wanted to say that…” like “cabdriver, follow that cab”

    AND this thing i may like may actually NOT be the best way for me to express myself I want when I communicate

    its fun drama, but somehow it turns into real drama in real life

    the truth is, it’s not his choice whether he falls off or stays on. its YOUR choice

    and when you express to him, with the words ‘your choice’ – as I’ve noticed somewhat often in your posts – you’re actually giving away your power and denying your righful goddess role

    he will not hear that, he will feel pushed away. he will here – drama. and he will hear, a woman who’s not sure of herself, givnig away what’s clearly in her choice to a man. not all the way attractive

    however, its the energy of your actual emotion and that you ARE expressing rather than stuffing, that is still keeping him attracted, keeping him around

    when you shift a few words to express your emotions wihtout drama, everything can turn around here

  174.  #174Daria on November 17, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    Butterfly wings – sorry for not beng supportive

    i feel like im just constantly pushiung someine toward improving, improving, improvinb

    maybe i don’t even stop to celebrate achievements

    maybe i don’t even ntoice them

    all i notice is places to tweak to make even better

    and im afraid that is bad bad bad

    and that it feels awful

    and im feeling concerned

    i musta been a terrible tutor

    i just pushed on peoples resistance


    but i wanted to help them and i knew they could do it ALL!!

    so soncufsed

    not good enough

    you are mean!

    not encouraging!

    mean girl

    you leraned it from your dad and you’ll always be like him


  175.  #175Starla on November 17, 2011 at 10:35 pm

    om gam ganapataye namaha

  176.  #176Starla on November 17, 2011 at 10:36 pm

    Thank you Starla for fixing me something to eat. I was getting really hungry and would have gone till morning without eating because nothing sounded good or easy. Thank you for taking charge and just putting something nutritious on a plate for me to get some fuel and vitamins. I feel so much better.

  177.  #177Starla on November 17, 2011 at 10:44 pm

    Sorry for spamming, but this whole thanking myself thing is really good for me. daria, did you come up with this one?
    thank you for washing the makeup off my face

    thank you for putting on makeup this evening in the first place!

    thank you for putting my dishes in the sink

    thank you for remembering to bring that file in the morning

  178.  #178Emoticon on November 17, 2011 at 10:47 pm

    Hello Sirens! I have been gone for a little while because my phone got lost which is what I usually use to come on here. I missed it but feel like I have been able to keep myself in a very good place. I have some print outs with blog posts and tools.

    Just an update…I gave a no-boyfriend speech two night ago and I feel happy with how it went. I feel great about the way. I relate with this particular guy! I love him so much and I have never (as I usually did in the past) obsessed about the relationship, where its going or over analyzed our actions or anything. I’m just glad, very relieved that as much as I like him I’m not hung up on him. We will be spending some time together next month and I am really excited to use all my tools 🙂 I hope I can continue to be as sireny as I am with him now!

  179.  #179Starla on November 17, 2011 at 10:50 pm

    “Thank you for thanking me!” hehe, CF says that one to me sometimes.

    my heart feels like it’s just bursting with appreciation most of the time, so it’s hard for me to imagine these unappreciative characters in his realm of experience, but then I think, “hey wait…i used to be like those people,” and I am reminded that not everyone feels as purely appreciative as I do

  180.  #180Starla on November 17, 2011 at 11:03 pm

    yay emoticon!

  181.  #181Lucy on November 17, 2011 at 11:10 pm

    I am feeling scared of being “cheated on” (used loosely, to include stuff that isn’t full-out sex) bc of what happened in my marriage, and this fear (which wasn’t coming up in me til recently) is interfering w my relationship… making me pull back w an “i don’t care” attitude, untrusting, and not wanting to hear or say “i love you” (in case he “cheats”). UGH. So sad! I don’t know what to do.

  182.  #182Butterfly wings on November 17, 2011 at 11:18 pm

    Daria, please know that your comments are helping me – a lot, so please don’t feel bad. It feels good to know I have you and others here to support and guide me.

    None of us is perfect and there’s always room for improvement and I appreciate every bit of help I can get right now.


  183.  #183Daria on November 17, 2011 at 11:48 pm

    aww my cat wants huggies right now!

    he hardly ever even liked huggies in the past


    hehe i feel all cozy

  184.  #184Daria on November 17, 2011 at 11:49 pm

    im so glad i didn’t wait for my CD to maybe take me clubbing!

    he never called and i did fun stuff anyway
    oh hes callin

  185.  #185Daria on November 17, 2011 at 11:51 pm

    the party just started but i feel kinda sleepy right now so i turned it donw!

    wow me

  186.  #186Daria on November 17, 2011 at 11:55 pm

    i Do feel sleepy

    hmm i used to be down at all times

    right now it feels like i wuold be taxing my thymus and adrenals to get up and make hella moves…

    i guess he coulda said ok ima swoop you, we’ll smoke, we’ll slide right in the party

    i mighta said yeah

    its ok tho
    hes sweet

  187.  #187Daria on November 17, 2011 at 11:59 pm

    ima sleepy girl

    and i like my slleep

    sleepy weepy sleepy girl

  188.  #188Daria on November 18, 2011 at 12:22 am

    thank you Daria for noticing my sleepiness

    thank you for brushing my teeth

    thank you for not taking me to a club where i’d be sleeping on the sidelines

    thank you for thinking about sex

    thank you for not leaning forward

  189.  #189LILI 41 on November 18, 2011 at 3:06 am


    Why does it have to be his choice?
    Why can’t it be our choice?

    I’m just ticked off at myself for letting myself leave it up to him.
    Jumping every time he snapps his fingers to be with me. Hoping that I’ll one day be his one and only no1.

    Why can’t we choose to move on?

  190.  #190LILI 41 on November 18, 2011 at 3:11 am


    Yeah, I hate FB. It’s so impersonal.

  191.  #191Aurora Girl on November 18, 2011 at 3:41 am

    Morning Chickies….

    we have an inch of snow on the ground….I often feel playful and excited when the snow arrives….so many celebrations begin now…….I love how the moon lights up the snow at night….the sound of snow under foot…..the lights reflecting so much more brightness……

    Rori your comment reminds me of what Wayne Dyer writes and says…..”when you change the way you look at things……. the things you look at change….”


  192.  #192luzydel on November 18, 2011 at 3:44 am

    Funny how some men do not like boundaries…I recently told a guy that I do not feel comfortable sending pictures texts to someone I hardly know when he asked.

    He did not contact me after that…I really do not feel comfortable doing that and the other times I did was because I did not wanted to say how i felt about it…

  193.  #193Ella on November 18, 2011 at 4:17 am

    BW I left you a reply on the end of last thread… xx

  194.  #194Ella on November 18, 2011 at 4:32 am

    Lilli 41 re 139,



    BW and Lilli 41,

    If it was me I would be looking to take the focus off the man, I know can be easier said than done.

    I am reading things like ‘I tried such and such and it didn’t work cus look what he is doing now…’ And I am thinking Nevermind what HE is doing… the things we do are for US… not to have an affect on his behaviour.

    Of course they might also have an affect on his behaviour, however this would be a happy bonus…

    This is where CD-ing comes in, because following the boundary comes the CD-ing, and then if he doesn’t step up and he does something hurtful you can observe it from a more detached place, like ‘oh, he did that, well that doesn’t feel so good, I’ll have to make a note of that next to his name… Oh my phone is ringing… its another CD, and I’ve got to get ready to go and meet… ‘ and you forget him.

    It takes the sting out of his behaviour.

    And then when he shows back up its like you are aware of what he did, and you can express and hold your boundaries, but it is not a big, big deal, just you may feel a bit put off, and he has to work much harder to win you back because other CDs are treating you so much better, which feels good.

    This is how it is working for me anyway.

    I don’t know if this helps at all and I would certainly be looking to take the focus off him, reclaim my power and get out there and CD.

    Nothing dramatic, its just you might not be available to him anymore.

    Lilli 41, I would feel VERY uncomfortable in your situation. Not sure how I would express when he came back and I would definitely tell him I am going to start seeing other people and create some distance from him. I doubt I would want to be with him anymore…

    He would have to prove to me that it didn’t happen and/or treat me so well and work to hard and probably offer me marriage to ever win me back from something like that.

    And even then it would only be IF he succeeded in making me feel ultra, ultra safe and secure and trusting. I think it would be unlikely I would be able to feel like that following what has happened here…

    Hugs both.


  195.  #195Ella on November 18, 2011 at 4:43 am

    Lilli 41 re 186

    Yay anger!


    I’m loving that there is anger coming out. xoxox

  196.  #196Butterfly wings on November 18, 2011 at 5:15 am

    Hi sirens! Will reply properly once I’m home and have the computer.

    I had a FANTASTIC night and met a guy who was lovely and a lot of fun and a gentleman.

    He didn’t want me to catch the train home and paid the cab driver extra to get me home too. We kissed a LOT!!!!!

    TH meanwhile was calling and texting and I didn’t even realized. He eventually called me after the cab dropped S off and is now on his way over.

    After my night I’m really not caring what TH wants to do cos S has shown me what I can have. Yay!

    I feel very powerful right now and I’m more than prepared to walk away from TH if he chooses not to give me what I want (whikch of course he’s entitled to do). :)))

  197.  #197Butterfly wings on November 18, 2011 at 5:25 am

    Yay yay yay. That is all…! 😉

  198.  #198Femininewoman on November 18, 2011 at 5:27 am

    BW I hope you have scripts to share how you are feeling. Let him know you feel happy and thank him for showing you what you don’t want in your feel and helping you to understanding that you feel more comfortable to keep your options open.

  199.  #199Femininewoman on November 18, 2011 at 5:29 am

    Remember to lean back, unzipper your heart and imagine the tree truck in your back anchoring you to the heart so you can imagine that you are strong on the inside. That way you can be soft and melty on the outide and just melt into yourself, as Rori teaches.

  200.  #200Femininewoman on November 18, 2011 at 5:30 am

    Sorry meant “don’t want in your life and helping you to understand that you feel…..”

  201.  #201Senior Lady Vibe on November 18, 2011 at 5:31 am

    Rori says:

    “…What IS a perfect man, anyway?…

    …His qualities DON’T MATTER.

    The only thing that matters is this entry on your list: “When I’m with him, and even when I’m NOT with him – I feel loved, cared for, happy and secure. “ That’s it.

    Who he is and How he is mean nothing. How you FEEL with a man is ALL that counts…”

    “Rori Raye’s Rules For Landing The Perfect Man”
    Thursday, 26 June 2008 @ 11:06am •

  202.  #202Femininewoman on November 18, 2011 at 5:32 am

    RE 186 Lili41reading your post I remember hearing Rori saying “you are not allowed to beat yourself up. Not on my watch”.

  203.  #203Lili 41 on November 18, 2011 at 5:39 am

    @191 & 192:

    Thank you so much for your support Ella. xox

    I sunk into the anger, sunk into the sadness.

    This morning I feel better and have a different perspective.

    I’m looking at the big picture.
    Honestly, I had left him behind after our 1st date 3 years ago. He was telling me that he no longer wanted children. I said that I wasn’t sure, that I didn’t feel right saying no and I didn’t feel right saying yes either. I didn’t feel ready to absolutely shut the door on having kids.
    He went on to try very hard to convince me that I should not even consider having kids.
    It felt very icky. I felt stiff and tight, like I was resisting being controlled and manipulated.

    I felt angry that my feelings were not being honoured.
    That’s the overall picture I see this morning, is that the cloud on our relationship has always been that my feelings were not honoured.

    And I blamed him for it from the start. Truth is, when we blame someone else, it is usually ourselves that we have to blame.
    So I’m wondering, how did I not honour my own feelings?
    I did not share my true feelings from the start. I let them fester until I blew up.
    How can I expect anyone else to honour my feelings if I don’t honour them 1st?

    No matter how hurt I can feel about this relationship, I can be proud of having used all its triggers to learn about myself.
    He has been demoted to a cd for months now. Cd’ing is all about learning and practicing right?
    I haven’t been calling him at all, have been going out without him, cutout s*x completely.
    Bc doing the opposite only made me feel bad about myself.

  204.  #204Lizka on November 18, 2011 at 5:42 am

    Good morning!!

    I fell sooo proud of me little self, it’s unbeleivable! LAst night I had a very hard time thinking about P and wondering why he wasn’t calling me.

    A month ago, I would have do that:

    I would have texted him at least 5 or 6 times telling him how much I love him and how much I had chance, and beg him to answer because he would obviously not have answered to this extra leaning foward. I would have keep asking and beging and fall asleep very late at night because I would just totally have a crisis.

    What I did last night:

    I cried. I wrote here about my feeling. I texted one of my girl friend to tell her I was about to call P. I told her I was feeling sad. I went to bed and did some breathing exercises and I felt asleep almost right away after that because I was feeling so relaxed.

    I feel so happy and proud that in only a few weeks I could have learn to do that. I know there’s still a lot of work to do since I’m still leaning foward some times, like last week with P, but it’s so nothing compare to what I was doing before. Really really hope that P is noticing it. And a guy (an old CD) texted me yesterday and he will come next week to repare my sick computer. So I will be able to buy Modern Siren! Youpi!!!!!!

  205.  #205Lili 41 on November 18, 2011 at 5:45 am


    Hooray for a fun night BW!

    Like FB says, be ready to share your feelings. I know it must be so tempting to stick it to TH right now, tempting to want to make him feel bad.
    It can’t be about making him feel bad, it has to be about yourself and your own feelings, or else it will backfire on you like it has so many times for me.

  206.  #206Femininewoman on November 18, 2011 at 5:46 am

    LILI41 says “All I can say to him is that I’ve done some thinking while he was gone and I’ve come to the decision that we can no longer see each other bc we will never workout together, that he’s just not for me”.

    Remember we use feeling messages. How about using Rori’s suggestion:-

    “thank you for the distance that you have created. I feel uncomfortable (or whatever you feel) with the way things are and I don’t want to feel that way. I felt so relaxed over the last few days aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh. I don’t want to put pressure on the relationship and I would feel better keeping my options open, I don’t want to be a girlfriend right now”. Remember to physically lean back

  207.  #207Femininewoman on November 18, 2011 at 5:54 am

    R# 191 Rori says you can simply say “I feel angry”.

  208.  #208Femininewoman on November 18, 2011 at 6:04 am

    More Rori sayings

    “Being a fern is having a boundary that if a man does not water you, you step further and further away. When he asks why are you withdrawing you say “I am just a girl here and just like every other girl I need attention. When I don’t get it I feel bad and I feel turned off. I don’t feel like being around anyone when I am not getting attention and water”.

  209.  #209Senior Lady Vibe on November 18, 2011 at 6:08 am

    “Life’s journey is not to arrive at your grave safely in a well preserved body but to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting
    “Holy Shit!… What a Ride!”

    ~ Lana’s husband…

  210.  #210Esteemed on November 18, 2011 at 6:34 am

    “Life is not a having and a resting,
    but a growing and a becoming.”

  211.  #211Lilybelly on November 18, 2011 at 6:39 am


    Yes, Yes, YES!!!

    Great and timely reminder for many.

  212.  #212Lilybelly on November 18, 2011 at 6:42 am


    And, isn’t it fabulous that we can start from right where we are and begin again? No beating ourselves up for what we “should’ve” done or said back then.

    We can start from right here and redesign ourselves, becoming truer to us than we ever thought possible.

  213.  #213April Rose on November 18, 2011 at 7:04 am

    Hi Senior Lady Vibe,

    Rori says:
    “…What IS a perfect man, anyway?…
    …His qualities DON’T MATTER.
    The only thing that matters is this entry on your list: “When I’m with him, and even when I’m NOT with him – I feel loved, cared for, happy and secure. “ That’s it.
    Who he is and How he is mean nothing. How you FEEL with a man is ALL that counts…”

    This has really stayed with me since I first read it. I’ve contemplated it a lot.
    I listened to Rori’s interview with Dr. Gian Gonzaga, and I felt intrigued by Rori’s surprise at Gian’s statistics. He said that the number one quality that men and women are seeking in a partner is a sense of humour. Not kindness, not loyalty. A sense of humour.

    I don’t know about you, but something that makes me feel lonely is when I am being my most joyous, bubbly, spontaneous self and the man I’m with doesn’t respond with laughter. I love being funny. I want him to laugh and be delighted by my sense of humour.

    I guess this falls into the ‘happy’ part of “ I feel loved, cared for, happy and secure”.

    What is feeling ‘happy’ for you? For me it’s being seen and appreciated for who I am. It is feeling a deep connection and resonance between who I am and who he is.

    ‘Who he is’ does matter to me. It plays a part in making me feel safe. And in making me feel excited to spend time with him.

  214.  #214Lili 41 on November 18, 2011 at 7:05 am

    Love this one FW:

    “Being a fern is having a boundary that if a man does not water you, you step further and further away. When he asks why are you withdrawing you say “I am just a girl here and just like every other girl I need attention. When I don’t get it I feel bad and I feel turned off. I don’t feel like being around anyone when I am not getting attention and water”.

    That’s how I feel right now. After sinking into my anger feelings last night, I felt sad this morning. However, I feel more detached from him.
    I’m struggling less and less w connecting to myself w my feelings and getting deeper.
    By connecting w myself on a deeper level, I feel less hung up on him. I focus less on him and more about the big picture, the relationship.
    This relationship is not making me feel how it should. I don’t feel free and alive in it.

    I do need to honour my feelings and step away from what doesn’t feel right.
    After all, how can I expect anyone to honour my feelings if I don’t honour them myself 1st.
    This is a big lesson to me about honouring feelings. I cherish this lesson and I love myself for being open to receiving it.

  215.  #215lk on November 18, 2011 at 7:25 am


    “I’ll have to make a note of that next to his name… Oh my phone is ringing… its another CD”

    LOL – yes, I have actually said to someone (in kind of a sassy mood obviously), “WOW this conversation feels so weird now…I want to leave… I’m going to go txt some other men & that will feel fun” – & just walked away from exCD when he made a supersxxual joke that i wasn’t feeling.

  216.  #216lk on November 18, 2011 at 7:26 am

    @FW 205

    Thanks for that great image : ) I do need water!

  217.  #217lk on November 18, 2011 at 7:29 am

    i really want big, soft txtties like a pinupgirl : ))) I can have that – I can imagine them growing a tiny bit every day & collecting the soft from other parts like my back below my shoulders so when i next have sxx the man will not be able to stop holding & gently feeling how soft & how lifegiving i am

  218.  #218lk on November 18, 2011 at 7:33 am

    I’m feeling really appreciative of all women & all sirens & all their mothers & all their daughters & amazed by the things that will happen in the future when the world is in the hands of these children : )

    Oh & the dear men, i don’t want to leave the dear men from my love & blessing : )

    i do love humans & stars & darkness & math i do!

  219.  #219April Rose on November 18, 2011 at 7:59 am

    I am further contemplating this whole ‘sense of humour’ thing I wrote about in 201.

    Can I drop this need to be funny and delightful? Can it be enough for me that I delight *myself* with my sense of humour?

    Wanting to be funny in particular, and ‘appreciated’ in general; Am I actively seeking to create an effect? Is that a masculine trait?


  220.  #220April Rose on November 18, 2011 at 8:06 am

    I read somewhere that masculine energy people like to be appreciated for what they do and say and what they think. Whereas feminine energy people like to be appreciated for who they are and what they feel.

    Wanting to be funny and loving the feeling when a man laughs, when he ‘gets me’.
    I love that.
    Do I need to analyse whether it is a feminine or a masculine trait?

    Sorry, April, for questioning what makes you feel good. Sorry for trying to analyse you. You are a beautiful, funny woman.

  221.  #221April Rose on November 18, 2011 at 8:14 am

    I wrote about it in 210, not 201!

    201 is an inspiring story, Lizka, of trusting yourself and trusting what you have learned.
    I’m glad you feel proud of yourself.

  222.  #222Mel on November 18, 2011 at 8:15 am

    April Rose,

    The sense of humour topic really interests me as well.

    “Can I drop this need to be funny and delightful? Can it be enough for me that I delight *myself* with my sense of humour?”

    I really LOVE to laugh. I got “addicted”to one of my past CDs because he was soooo incredibly funny. Such that I overlooked the fact that he was all wrong for me. Not really wanting relationship, flakey, hot and cold…

    My current guy is not unfunny, but doesn’t really crack me up. At first I thought this was a big strike against him, but I’ve let it go. I continue to be cute and jovial and lively and humerous around him because that’s ME. And I love to see him smile at me with his big bright eyes as he appreciates me being nothing other than myself.

    I think that I don’t WANT to drop my need to be funny and delightful… but perhaps I just wont “require it” of others.

  223.  #223luzydel on November 18, 2011 at 8:19 am

    I saw an independent film last night, it was. Boughtabout a guy who wanted to give a nice day to a girl. She had an encounter with a guy who made her feel unsfe, so she went along with this nice guy…he took her to eat, bought he new clothes treted her like she desrved…in the end it resulted that he was a bully from school and made her life miserable, she felt horrible And left..at the end the end up together (as usual) but I liked the way she said how she felt it was awakening!

    Now I am here thinking, that I focus too much on the bad things men do to me, but I tend to forget the good things some of them have done to me. Like the guy who kept me company in my senior high school year at a college open house who kept me company when my friends etf me behind, or the guy who covered me with his umbrella in a rainy day when I was witing for the bus, then he gave me his scarf… perhaps if I think more of those good memories about men, I will feel better eventually, perhaps things are not balck or white with men…some of them have done wonderful things for me…

  224.  #224April Rose on November 18, 2011 at 8:22 am


    That’s exactly it. I was making it a requirement. Demanding “laugh, damn you!” and getting angry if he didn’t.

    My focus was ‘over there’ with him instead of ‘in here’ with my own heart.

    I crack myself up, truly I do.
    Don’t know what I’d do in a world without laughter.

  225.  #225April Rose on November 18, 2011 at 8:30 am


    Just in case my transatlantic sisters are worried that I’m into hard drugs:

    ‘crack myself up’ means that I laugh a lot at my own humour.


  226.  #226Femininewoman on November 18, 2011 at 8:35 am

    Yes Luzydel you have choices. As Rori says choose the better feeling thoughts. I am currently listenting to one of her programs and this concept is all over it.

  227.  #227Femininewoman on November 18, 2011 at 8:37 am

    April Rose please pardon me if this does not apply, but I could not help wondering if you might also use humor to cover up some of your icky, uncomfortable feelings or maybe nervousness. Rori encourages silence sometimes or putting our hands over our mouths.

  228.  #228lk on November 18, 2011 at 8:38 am

    Day off today & going up for a collegetown day with CDcd… I feel excited! I want to go to the teahouse & maybe i want to kiss him & i want to give myself a little allowance like a mother sending her daughter on a field trip : ) & i want to have beautiful paper & sunshine & feel warm & easy : )

    I want to wear a sleeveless dress & not worry if my armpit hair shows : ) it’s lovely, really – it’s the same color as my eyebrows or maybe a little lighter – i wonder if the chemicals in deodorant change the color… hm…

    had a dream last night that i went to sqw’s house – my dad took me & left me with sqw’s dad. his dad was blind & his name was paul – like the story – & he wanted me help him elevate the wheel chair, but he didn’t even need a wheel chair & i sent the wine away without opening it because i remembered it was terrible. i was typing & it was tatooing the body of a goddess on the screen & i was thinking – sqw will hear me typing & he will know what all has happened. I could hear all the family – all the aunts & uncles & siblings – moving in & out of the house – all around – going places, doing things – all strangers, but I was pretty sure I knew who they were, without recognizing them. A brother, hair like sqw but a longer nose & chin & younger – wet, in towels. I don’t really see him because I turn a corner & go in to a bedroom connected to a bathroom connected to a bedroom. In the far bedroom, I climb up on the bed & squat to pee – thinking, it’s just water, i’ve only had water all this time – & it’s forever, i’m counting but i have to keep starting over, & i’m thinking yes this is what it will be like to give birth.

  229.  #229Mel on November 18, 2011 at 8:41 am

    April Rose,

    I crack myself up too! 🙂 I’m happy with that. I don’t need others to crack me up anymore.

    I noticed the “u” in humour. Are you a Britt or Canuck?

  230.  #230April Rose on November 18, 2011 at 8:44 am

    That would be a whole other situation. I was talking about when I have joyful, silly, happy, ridiculous bubbles of fun coming up from my belly. I send them towrds the man as a gift. I feel bad when my gift is rejected.

    Using humour to cover uncomfortable feelings is something else. I will look at that, yes. Thank you.

  231.  #231April Rose on November 18, 2011 at 8:47 am


    I am from the city of laughter itself – Liverpool. It’s actually a small republic on the mainland of Great Britain.

    What is a Canuck?

  232.  #232lk on November 18, 2011 at 9:00 am

    I feel really pretty. I’m wearing the necklace i bought for myself & my silver ball earrings & a blue hoodieshirt & a brownlacycami & a winterwhitewoolskirt that everyone who sees me in for some reason says, “oh, that’s too big on you” — how can a skirt be too big if it’s not falling off? mysteries. & the skirt is perfect because it goes down only just above the top of my boots so i won’t have to wear tights or anything & i don’t really have to worry about massive amounts of leghair exposure : ) i think i’ll not wear makeup. or perhaps just a little color on my lips&cheeks. perfume, yes : ) mmmmmm

  233.  #233April Rose on November 18, 2011 at 9:05 am

    The other night at guitar club one of the men asked me if I passionately ravish the man I live with when he is wearing his overalls. This felt really uncomfortable. Mainly because the man I secretly adore was there. (That’s another issue; why am I trying to pretend to be single and make him feel like he has a chance with me. I WANT him to have a chance with me. Aaggh…)

    Anyway, I felt uncomfortable having this man suggest my sexual behaviours in front of other men. I didn’t answer him. I stood there feeling really awkward, not knowing what the hell to say. Later I actually chastised myself for not having come up with a suitable humorous response to shut him up.

    But it looks like I did the best thing. Feeling relieved now of the bad feelings left over from that episode.

  234.  #234Mel on November 18, 2011 at 9:12 am

    April Rose,

    A Canuck is a Canadian. 🙂

  235.  #235April Rose on November 18, 2011 at 9:22 am


    What are you then?

    p.s. I feel giggly

  236.  #236mali on November 18, 2011 at 9:23 am

    April Rose, YAY at another Britain-er 😉

  237.  #237Femininewoman on November 18, 2011 at 9:28 am

    April Rose maybe you practice Rori’s sensual meditation from her book so you could become relaxed and accepting of your sexuality? The first thing that jumped to mind as a response when reading your comment was “In my imagination” then “it is one of my fantasies”. The “I passionately ravish him when he is naked”. When guys banter like that with me I play right back with them. It was only after exploring this over the last year that I have now become comfortable with it.

    I believe it was his way of complementing you. He must have felt your passion in your singing or your playing and imagining you in the bedroom. I find that is the way guys are. Just last week one of my cds who plays and sings was playing one of his compositions for me in his car. While playing it he made a fist and was really getting into the music in his body language and I felt turned on. I told him after that I really felt his passion and he went right to something sexual because apparently the word passion means that to him, he was telling me that I was being naughty.

  238.  #238Mel on November 18, 2011 at 9:33 am

    Hey April Rose,

    I am a Canuck! 🙂

    I feel giggly too! I had a “naughty” evening last night involving Architect sneaking me into his house while kids were sleeping. So fun and hot! The two of us trying very hard to be super quiet…

    I’ve had a permanent smile on my face all morning! 😉

  239.  #239Senior Lady Vibe on November 18, 2011 at 9:39 am

    @210: April Rose says:
    “Hi Senior Lady Vibe,
    re.198…I don’t know about you, but something that makes me feel lonely is when I am being my most joyous, bubbly, spontaneous self and the man I’m with doesn’t respond with laughter. I love being funny. I want him to laugh and be delighted by my sense of humour…”

    Hi, April Rose!
    I’m looking for sense of humour too. Somewhere on the Rori blog is a post I made around the end of 2010 (or beginning of 2011) in which I proclaimed that I want a life partner with a sense of humour. Hmm, but I was thinking I want to be delighted by him.

    “…‘Who he is’ does matter to me. It plays a part in making me feel safe. And in making me feel excited to spend time with him…”

    I’m interpreting that to mean that the “he” might not be one particular person — one that we might be “stuck on.”

    And another way I perceive this is the “perfect man” might not be the one that matches the qualities on a desirability list such as tall, dark and very handsome, rich, creative, entrepreneurial, MBA, JD, MD and PhD, musically inclined with great abs, perfect teeth and full head of hair. That sort of thing.

    When I think of “who he is” it’s mostly character that I’m thinking of.


  240.  #240April Rose on November 18, 2011 at 9:42 am

    Hello Mali,

    I’m having fun trying to guess where everyone’s from. There are a few clues, such as the times when people are awake and posting, and also the phrases they use and word spellings.

    I find that when I’m reading posts and wording my own in my mind, I do it with an American accent.
    I love Rori’s voice, and I feel that it passes so much softness along with what she says.

  241.  #241Senior Lady Vibe on November 18, 2011 at 9:47 am

    @216: April Rose says:
    “…I am further contemplating this whole ‘sense of humour’ thing I wrote about in 210.
    Can I drop this need to be funny and delightful? Can it be enough for me that I delight *myself* with my sense of humour?…”

    For my part, I don’t have much interest in just being funny. Instead, I delight myself with the absurdities of life and I want my man and I to “get each other.” I see that as a “people trait.”

    It wouldn’t be as wonderful to me if a guy had a sense of humour but only of the pratfall variety. I think the “getting me” is the most important part, a way of talking and expressing that is fun but not really “trying to be funny.”

  242.  #242Lili 41 on November 18, 2011 at 9:48 am


    Thank you for sharing that Luzydel.

  243.  #243Senior Lady Vibe on November 18, 2011 at 9:50 am

    @217: April Rose says:
    “…I read somewhere that masculine energy people like to be appreciated for what they do and say and what they think. Whereas feminine energy people like to be appreciated for who they are and what they feel…”

    I believe that what I do, say and think are parts of who I am and inseparable. In what you read was there any discussion of the matters for which “feminine energy people” wish to be appreciated if they exclude doing, saying and thinking? Would this be something such as eye or hair color or body shape? These would be visual attractors and big things but those might also include some “doing.” I’m curious and pondering this.

    “Do I need to analyse whether it is a feminine or a masculine trait?…”

    Oh, I don’t know… but I don’t. I’m just letting myself be myself and observing guys being themselves. If it feels good well… it’s like Rori says… good.

  244.  #244judy on November 18, 2011 at 9:50 am

    Hi Rori
    I wanted to ask a quick question. I have been following your program and started circular dating. You advise not to give men presents or pay for dinner etc. I was wondering if that includes birthdays. One of the men I am seeing has a birthday coming up. What do I do in this situation? (have dated this man four times so it is a new relationship)

  245.  #245Senior Lady Vibe on November 18, 2011 at 9:57 am

    Well, speaking of humour, but not so “hahaha”… more absurd…

    I just returned home from walking two blocks east of me to the post office and where I paid $3.00 to send two packs of tic tacs two blocks west of me…

    Oh, yeah the joys of grandparenthood… But I’m loving it.

  246.  #246April Rose on November 18, 2011 at 10:04 am

    I read it in an astrology report by Carol Allen. It had to do with respect and is as follows:

    Men and women tend to feel loved for different things and thus need to be respected in different ways. Men feel most loved when their thoughts and actions are respected and when they are appreciated for what they do. Women feel most loved when their feelings are respected and when they are appreciated for who they are. This is not to say that a woman does not feel loved when her thoughts and actions are respected and when she is appreciated for what she does, it is only to say that she feels most loved when her feelings are respected and when she is appreciated for who she is.

  247.  #247Femininewoman on November 18, 2011 at 10:06 am

    From the book Intimacy:-

    In an interaction a therapist had a husband tell his wife that he feels helpless like a baby to address how he feel controlled by her.

    The only true commitment people can make to each other is to commit to exploring feelings in every interaction until all feelings are out in the open.

    In an intimate connection pepple should accept that they cannot change feelings by an act of will; that each must be in charge of establishing his own boundaries so that he does not give to the point of resentment.

    It speaks of the bond of trust:-
    We trust each other for the gift of contact and the commitment to contact. In the midst of a quarrel, while one part of me is furious with you another part of me is appreciating that you are bing honest with me about yourself and that I can count on you for that. That means I can let go into my anger and trust you to hear me and to take care of yourself; the n I can feel the full force of my feelings becasue I don’t have to worry about you.

    The greatest gift I can give you is my aliveness and I must take responsibility for producing and sustaining that.

  248.  #248Femininewoman on November 18, 2011 at 10:11 am

    Interestingly twice today I heard guys referring to being in their “caves”. I just heard one saying I wil come back and “dive in my cave”.

  249.  #249April Rose on November 18, 2011 at 10:13 am

    If the man I dream about had not been present I would indeed have played right back with the man who asked me a sexual question.

    I froze. I was standing right next to him (my fantasy man). My mind was working very fast. It said “don’t let him know you are happy sexually with your man. He will lose interest in you”. It was a panic response. My whole body flushed hot and tense. Previously my body had been soft and melting, enjoying the proximity of this man.

  250.  #250Senior Lady Vibe on November 18, 2011 at 10:14 am

    @229: lk says:
    “…so i won’t have to wear tights or anything & i don’t really have to worry about massive amounts of leghair exposure : ) …”

    The following falls under the category of “self delight humour.”

    I no longer shave legs as I have lost all leg hair… as I’m now saying… legs are as smooth as a baby’s butt. But last weekend while applying body lotion, I discovered two leg hairs… TWO on a vast exposure of bare leg. Long ones too, about an inch each…

    I don’t know how I’d missed them before. Very mysterious. But I think of them whenever I read about your body shave “rebellion.”

  251.  #251Starla on November 18, 2011 at 10:17 am

    “i do love humans & stars & darkness & math i do!”

    sometimes, lk, i wonder if i’ve gone schizo and you’re my tyler durden on this blog

  252.  #252Esteemed on November 18, 2011 at 10:20 am

    Fem Woman,

    RE: R# 191 Rori says you can simply say “I feel angry”.

    When I say it, it usually comes out like a train whistle like this: “Damn! I feel fu(cking angry! !@#$%! %$#@! *@%^#%**#!”

  253.  #253Senior Lady Vibe on November 18, 2011 at 10:27 am

    @242: April Rose says:
    I read it in an astrology report by Carol Allen. It had to do with respect and is as follows:
    when her feelings are respected and when she is appreciated for who she is….”

    Hmmm, I’m still curious about the “who she is” part. What do you think about that? I wonder what kinds of things that covers? I do like having my feelings respected and the other stuff too… Hey, I like it all! If I bake some brownies, I appreciate a “thank you.”

    During the last soulmate summit… the one months ago… not the one going one now. I downloaded a whole bunch of the daily programs. I think I have one of hers. I’ll go back and listen in… mainly out of curiousity because I’m not a big astrology fan although it is fun sometimes to read descriptions and forecasts etc.

  254.  #254Daria on November 18, 2011 at 10:30 am

    Bw – this feels scary a bit I feel all uncomfortable pointing out stuff in your situation

    I want to practice sharing what I see and how I feel. I just wrote something about ‘his choice’ being a pattern of thinking and expressing that i noticed often in your posts. And just thinking and writing that way seems yo me to give away some power.

    I feel very powerful right now and I’m more than prepared to walk away from TH if he chooses not to give me what I want (whikch of course he’s entitled to do). ))’

    See it came up again. This seems to be a frequent pattern for you. Shifting those thoughts, dropping the hinging on ‘if he chooses’. Might go a long way in taking back your power in your own mind.

    How about… ‘I am prepared to walk away from TH if *I* don’t feel good with what he offers.’

    Now it’s your choice, based on what You feel.

    The feminine chooses.

    And especially communicating to a man saying ‘it’s your choice’ seems to me really disrespectful of the masculine and also not true on a deep level. It pushes men away from offering their masculinity.

    It sounds like talking ( meanly I would say ) to a child.

    You do what I want or you get left in the cold. IT’S YOUR CHOICE. Sounds like a no choice really for me. I would personally feel triggered and resist being controlled this way. TH may be somewhat more skilled than me here.

  255.  #255Daria on November 18, 2011 at 10:38 am

    Ok time for me to now process.

    I think I’m a nag. I will probably drive a man crazy nagging over little things like my dad does sometimes. Like he eats and says it need s less salt. And that’s it.

    Of course now there’s me going mmm ahh on my food so it’s easier to appreciate for him too.

    Hmm maybe I’m not a nag.

    I feel all tense to imagine my tutoring students thinking I’m a nag and feeling uncomfortable and pressured and not good enough. Aww.

  256.  #256Daria on November 18, 2011 at 10:41 am

    Also BW I did not acknowledge that you wrote saying that you learn from my posts. Thank you.

    And actually I felt kinda tightened up and disbelieving and didn’t feel comfortable sharing that and went to my pattern of silence

  257.  #257April Rose on November 18, 2011 at 10:43 am


    ‘who she is’ to me is the goddess inside a woman. Do you feel your goddess? She is the one BEING, not thinking or trying to figure things out.

    Is your goddess in the background or the foreground?

  258.  #258Daria on November 18, 2011 at 10:45 am

    And actually I feel uncomfortable sharing that . I’m afraid of being judged as cold and judgmental aww. I love my.cold and judgementalmess.

  259.  #259Femininewoman on November 18, 2011 at 10:47 am

    The “Who is she” to me is the self on the inside who feels. As I feel what I feel I become more aware of her and as she becomes more proficient at speaking up for herself and respecting her boundaries while giving she becomes more and more apparent and powerful in the outside world.

  260.  #260Lilybelly on November 18, 2011 at 10:47 am


    Daria, I heart you. I know that you are so willing to help women become who they are meant to be.

  261.  #261Daria on November 18, 2011 at 10:48 am

    I am praxticIng keeping my heart open rite now. It feels uncomfortable waaaah. I feel sad.

    It feels cooler and safer and not achy to go in my head and let the ice demons judgement voices spin.

  262.  #262Daria on November 18, 2011 at 10:51 am

    Aww thank you Lilybelly 🙂

    I feel scared here too like

    Hyper alert.

    My brain is like ‘why did she say that?’ did I say something not easy to read and she’s like poor Daria I can see her trying and messing up.

    Like ‘I know your heart is in the right place… But…’

    What feeling is this? Hmm

    Curious and scared?

  263.  #263Senior Lady Vibe on November 18, 2011 at 10:53 am

    @253: April Rose says:

    Thanks. My goddess is me, omnipresent. She’s also thoughtful. That doesn’t mean everyone’s has to be.

  264.  #264Lilybelly on November 18, 2011 at 10:57 am


    “My brain is like ‘why did she say that?’ did I say something not easy to read and she’s like poor Daria I can see her trying and messing up.

    Like ‘I know your heart is in the right place… But…”

    Not at all what I thought or felt. Not at all, Daria.

    I feel afraid that I said something wrong now. 🙁

  265.  #265April Rose on November 18, 2011 at 11:04 am

    In Rori’s post above, she writes

    In the world there’s much that feels like an “assault.”

    When I feel like someone doesn’t ‘get’ me or understand me, it feels like an assault. I feel scared. I panic that another person can be so way off my page.

  266.  #266Lili 41 on November 18, 2011 at 11:08 am


    I see that in my own communication, and I do get the “defiant child” attitude from my men.

    Thank You for sharing that Daria. It is helping me also pinpoint my patterns.

  267.  #267April Rose on November 18, 2011 at 11:11 am

    I want to heal, to stay open when I feel ‘assaulted’.

    I want to gift myself with a new approach to conflict, fear and anger.

    To feel those things, enjoy them and not close off.
    Anger, fear, conflict – they all prove that I am alive.
    They are made of life-force.

  268.  #268Lili 41 on November 18, 2011 at 11:12 am


    April Rose,

    I get really angry when that happens. That anger covers up my insecurity of feeling rejected for not being understandable and not following along with what the other does understand.

    Thanks for bringing that up.

  269.  #269Femininewoman on November 18, 2011 at 11:15 am

    In the book Intimacy:

    it talks about trusting “that we can spontaneously come out at any time with anything we feel and there will be room for error. Neither of us will immediately assume that the other intends to hurt, doesn’t care, is bad or wrong. If it looks as though you are being intrusive, hurtful, judgemental, or uncaring, I will first assume that something else is going on because none of those expressions is like you. I wil take responsibility for check out with you what you meant, what your intent was, and where you really are inside before I respond with hurt or disappointment or judgment against you. My first assumption is that you must really be hurting inside if you are coming out ina way that doesn’t fit you or that is intrusive or attacking to me”.

  270.  #270Daria on November 18, 2011 at 11:20 am

    aww Lilybelle I don’t want you to feel afraid.

    I have some stuff I need to workout around receiving this kind of compliment in particular.

    I think about how secure and “of course they mean that” I feel when men compliment my looks, or people compliment my intelligence.

    Here I think I’m pushy and ineffective, and compliments trigger those insecurities.

    In other words, it’s not about You. And i feel scared to share how i feel … i don’t want to put off people.
    and I want to heal this even more than I don’t want to put off people, so I’m sharing how I feel about it to heal.

  271.  #271Daria on November 18, 2011 at 11:37 am

    “My goddess is me, omnipresent. She’s also thoughtful. That doesn’t mean everyone’s has to be.”


    this feels like getting stabbed in the shoulder.

    i feel angry

    and sad and powerless.

    so much anger i feel like i cant handle this anger

    depress it!

    i feel so furious when someone shifts word meanings or logic to subtly insult others. that’s what i perceive here

    my cousin used to do this and my mother does it

    it feels HORRIBLE


    when this show up in my life i feel so powerless and infuriated!!


    i feel like SMASHING


    i feel angry having been made fun of subtly about feeling like smashing too in the past.

    i feel like smashing.

    i feel SOOO ANGRY!!!

  272.  #272Daria on November 18, 2011 at 11:48 am

    actually Lilybelly, i am ok with you feeling scared

    i actually felt scared and afraid of being left alone

    i ant to be really deeply truthful and say like oh no!

    i feel kinda panicked that my comment triggered fear for you

    and i feel ok with it too

    healing healing

  273.  #273Daria on November 18, 2011 at 11:52 am

    omg i feel ashamed of intending to ‘help’ like im better than someone!

    and its ok for me to notice stuff (combatting that thought now)



    i feel frustrated

    i could take it like

    oh you know whats really cool im noticing this!!

    check it out!

    look it just happened again!!

    wow how interesting!!

    shuttup daria

    aww that feels bad

    i love me

    my poor baby is getting beat up

    i dont want to beat my baby up

    here baby

    i love you

    you are so smart

    and strong

    and brave

    and beautiful

    and thoughtful and loving and caring

    adn blissful to be around

  274.  #274Lilybelly on November 18, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    It’s all okay with me Daria. I too, need to heal some things around speaking and letting others know how I feel.

    I have stuffed so much over the years that it is taking some time to unravel all that.

    Thanks for allowing me.

  275.  #275Femininewoman on November 18, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    Lillybelle did you check out tinque’s offer? She is offering help from her facebook page to unravel stuff we hoard in our bodies. I encourage you to check it out.

  276.  #276April Rose on November 18, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    “My goddess is me, omnipresent. She’s also thoughtful. That doesn’t mean everyone’s has to be.”

    I wasn’t going to share my reaction to this. Instead I told myself I was just not going to engage in further discussion with the writer.

    But now that Daria has shared her feelings, I feel like I must too. I don’t want to leave Daria alone in her expression. I feel really scared to leave someone alone. I’m terrified of being alone. I’m always seeking allies. I love the feeling of shared purpose, of being on the same page. A team.

    ‘Us and them’ is fine so long as there is at least one person on my team!

    My judgement of SLV was immediate – you are in your head, loving your thoughts, self-image and idea of yourself. It’s not possible for us to communicate on a feeling level.
    My feelings are these – each time you answer my posts my head hurts. I feel frustrated by your response. I want to connect with you and feel sad that I am failing to. I am scared to upset you but I feel that honesty must come first.

    Thank you for your part in my healing. Now that I’ve been uncomfortably honest with you, I can experiment with being uncomfortably honest with men.

  277.  #277Rori Raye on November 18, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    Judy – Birthday’s are an exception to the “no giving” concept for helping yourself to stop overfunctioning (remember – this isn’t a lifestyle – it’s therapeutic, it’s a tool to help you BE instead of DO). Gifts are not my strongest point – I’d be so grateful for help on this one…the main thing is that it be creative, something he’d like – and NOT expensive. It could be tickets to a movie he wanted to see…it could be a piece of technology to go with some of his gadgets…you can search Amazon.com for things you’ve heard him talk about…and again – any suggestions would be great and we’ll keep them in a file marked “gifts”! Love, Rori

  278.  #278April Rose on November 18, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    If he asks you out on his birthday, then your presence is the finest gift, for him.

  279.  #279Femininewoman on November 18, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    From the book Intimacy

    “view differentness and disagreement as an opporting for growing and understanding rather than as a put down or criticism: also to present differentness or disagreement as a staement about oneself and not a judgment or cirticism of the other person this wya, people can differ without a feeling of loss of themselves. Your opinion is impotant to me and I respect it, but it does not determine my value to me.

    In order for me to keep growing and developing my ability to express myself, I need responses from you and others about how I feel. In addtion, I may be trying to offer you help in some way; but the way in which I offer it may seem intrusive to you. I need to know this from you so that, f it is possible for me to do so, I can change the way I offer help so it will fit you better. As long as I am going to give you a gift, I’d just as soon give you something you like. Perhaps you have seen something I didn’t know was there that I would really like to change-i.e. I’m tryng to give to you and it’s coming out as if I’m pushing you in some way”.

  280.  #280Daria on November 18, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    I called back one of my backlisted CD’s from my voicemails

    its probably been a week


    ok i feel some shifting in my energy

  281.  #281mali on November 18, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    @240- April Rose

    I agree, Rori’s voice is so SOFT, it’s like it oozes thise sense of gentleness…

    I love the diversity of the readers on here, but I feel grateful seeing people on here from the UK. I feel safer. Almost like they’re physically closer, so I can feel their vibes to a greater extent. I’m so grateful to be able to post on this forum!

  282.  #282April Rose on November 18, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    I just had an idea for a cute gift for a man.

    A card with a ‘voucher’ inside it. Except that, instead of it being a book token or a voucher for a particular store, it’s a hand-made voucher for ‘time alone with me’, or ‘the chance to do whatever you want with me for a whole day/evening’….! Add a picture of you in a pose or an outfit he’s never seen….

    Have fun with it, be creative. Tune into how you can make this man feel excited/or whatever response you desire from him.

    This feels cheeky and fun.
    If I gave a man this as a gift whilst confidently knowing that “I am the prize”, I feel sure it would be a winner.

  283.  #283Laughing Goddess on November 18, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    “251: Starla says:

    “i do love humans & stars & darkness & math i do!”

    sometimes, lk, i wonder if i’ve gone schizo and you’re my tyler durden on this blog

    Friday, 18 November 2011 @ 10:17am”

    haha! Me too!

  284.  #284Femininewoman on November 18, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    About the soft voiced thing, I would encourage everyone to experiment with it. I read from another coach where it automatically helps the listener to feel safer so I have consciously changed mine and as I relax internally more it has become even softer. I get guys who have known me for years reacting in shock asking if that is me. Others have described it as “sexy”. It is one of the changes about myself I am grateful that I have managed over the last year.

  285.  #285Femininewoman on November 18, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    Hey LG I felt my heart leap with joy when I saw your post. It is always a pleasure to read what you write.

  286.  #286Lilybelly on November 18, 2011 at 1:03 pm


    (((((((((Laughing Goddess))))))

  287.  #287Lilybelly on November 18, 2011 at 1:05 pm


    Thanks, FW. I’m doing fine and I have Tinque at my fingertips if I need her.

  288.  #288Laughing Goddess on November 18, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    FW: The feeling is mutual! 🙂

    I’ve been feeling really quiet lately. I’m not exactly sure why.

    I’m feeling very excited right now about some friends that are coming into town tonight. I feel so excited to go out and dance, listen to music, and have dinner!

    Are you on FB, FW?

  289.  #289Senior Lady Vibe on November 18, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    @267: April Rose

    Thanks for bringing up goddesses. I was thinking about that as I was running around the city on bus and train after my last post. Keeping my goddess busy… had to rush out the door in order to stay on schedule.

  290.  #290Laughing Goddess on November 18, 2011 at 1:12 pm


    How’s it going, pretty lady?

  291.  #291Lilybelly on November 18, 2011 at 1:19 pm


    Things are well, LG. I feel excited for you for your events this evening.


  292.  #292Starla on November 18, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    277 re gifts

    For xmas I got CF a clock shaped like a character from his favorite tv show. It was 30 bucks. He is going to love it. I got a little keychain to tie onto the ribbon, also based on the show. Total was like 40 bucks.

    His birthday is xmas eve (and mine is dec. 23 haha), so I got him an encyclopedia of elves and goblins that he was admiring when we were browsing a store together (huge hobby of his), and another book to complement it – about 40 bucks.

    I got my ex a set of tshirts about legalizing mar*juana…about 30 bucks (I had a discount since I’m involved in the cause)

    I got my ex before that a video game for xmas…that was more like 60 bucks, but we’d been dating for a long long time, over a year at least, and he gave me diamond earrings for my birthday two days before, so i felt like giving back.

    For his birthday I got him a journal to write in (he’s a writer). We went out, his treat, but I bought the first round of drinks for his birthday:)

    For his birthday the year before that, I got him 2 concert tickets in his name at will-call of the venue. So I told him I got them, and then he had to take charge and pick them up for us and it was like a regular date:)

    I LOVE gift-giving

  293.  #293Lucy on November 18, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    Re: GIFTS

    My man and I enjoy finding gifts for each other at thrift shops, especially shops which exist to support charity. It’s fun to find unique items that I know he will like.

    He has at times purchased an item at a thrift shop and then given them the rest of the money that the item would have cost new – so he has then paid “full price” for the gift yet the “excess” has gone to the poor rather than Macy’s or Walmart.

  294.  #294Senior Lady Vibe on November 18, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    @271: Daria says:

    “i feel so furious when someone shifts word meanings or logic to subtly insult others. that’s what i perceive here ..”

    But it’s so very mean of you to take my words, quote them and state that I am insulting others. I have not done that to anyone else that

    There is no “shift in meanings” or shift in “logic” subtly or any other way. It’s just plain mean to call names when you don’t agree with someone else’s opinions. I don’t insist that everyone share my opinions.

  295.  #295Starla on November 18, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    282 i LOVE your gift idea.

    I am going to save this one for another occasion:D Thank you!

  296.  #296Femininewoman on November 18, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    RE 288 Yeah but hard ever go on. Practically never. I went today to get the info from tinque.

  297.  #297Laughing Goddess on November 18, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    I’ve been really focused on working lately. It’s all stuff that I feel passionate about, yet I tend to get in a masculine energy when doing those things.

    I’m feeling the need to take time to replenish and connect with my feminine energy more. I want to do more things like taking baths, organizing my clothes and toiletries, spending time in the kitchen with a focus on nourishing myself and my family.

    I feel relieved tonight because this is the first time in a while that I have gone out to a party or show when we are not playing. I feel relieved. Even though I love performing, I usually feel pretty consumed by it and don’t have much time or energy to just be social and have fun.

    I feel excited to have tonight off.

    I’m feeling good about my relationship. I’ve never been with someone who loves me so much. I feel very calm and secure and trusting in our relationship. It feels good and frees up a lit of energy to focus on my passions because I’m not putting a bunch of energy into worrying about him.

  298.  #298Laughing Goddess on November 18, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    I’ve been listening to Anthony Robbins and Abraham Hicks lately.

    …which reminds me, I just downloaded a new AH that I can listen to while I get ready!

  299.  #299Senior Lady Vibe on November 18, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    I have not done that to anyone.

  300.  #300Laughing Goddess on November 18, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    FW #296

    I haven’t been going on much lately either, yet I do like it as a way to stay in touch with friends. I’d love to connect with you there. 🙂

    If you’d like, email me at laughinggoddess111@gmail

  301.  #301Laughing Goddess on November 18, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    I really love my sweetie too, yet I notice I’m still feel a little guarded. Maybe it’s not guarded though, maybe it’s healthy. In the past, I have completely given up myself for relationships. What if, what I am calling guarded is just healthy boundaries and self-respect. Maybe it feels foreign to me because it’s something different.

    Also, I’m noticing it keeps him on his toes a little bit, like he has to keep stepping up to be able to spend time with me even though we are in a committed relationship. Maybe this is what Rori is talking about.


  302.  #302April Rose on November 18, 2011 at 1:50 pm


    Please can you say how you feel.

    It would make me feel connected to you.

  303.  #303Laughing Goddess on November 18, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    Yes, yes. It would feel good to spend more time in my feminine energy. I feel like I am the feminine pole within our relationship, yet i have been relating to life in masculine energy lately. Feeling a little out of balance with that. I wan to nurture myself more. In some ways, I’m so motivated and a “go getter” and that feels good. I love creating things in the world. Yet I feel a need for balance, more nurtuing, soothing, feeling, trusting, enjoying, basking, playing, and laughing. Yes!!

  304.  #304Laughing Goddess on November 18, 2011 at 1:55 pm


    Although it’s nearly winter so that won’t work out right now. But I have been wanting to take better care of my houseplants and start planting indoor bulbs like paperwhites. Maybe even learn to grow orchids!

    Do any of you goddesses have any expeience with this?

  305.  #305Starla on November 18, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    302: April Rose says:


    Please can you say how you feel.

    It would make me feel connected to you.

    Me three hehe

  306.  #306Senior Lady Vibe on November 18, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    @276: April Rose says:

    “…But now that Daria has shared her feelings, I feel like I must too. I don’t want to leave Daria alone in her expression. I feel really scared to leave someone alone. I’m terrified of being alone…”

    She did more than express her feelings. She made some blaming, shaming statements about me.

    “Us and them’ is fine so long as there is at least one person on my team!…”

    I am sad to read that you are condoning a “us versus them” mentality on Rori’s blog. This is not what I wish for and expect here.

    “…My judgement of SLV was immediate – you are in your head, loving your thoughts, self-image and idea of yourself. It’s not possible for us to communicate on a feeling level…:”

    Who is the “us?” Do you mean all the other posters on Rori’s blog? Your judgment is more on target than Daria’s. I was not insulting you to share my opinion of myself! I responded to your question! I assumed it was a real question and not a rhetorical one. You asked about MY goddess and I responded and also indicated that she might not be the same as what you described.

    I suspect you love yourself too. I am dismayed that any indication from me that I also love myself as I am brings forth vivid expressions of anger.

    Do you insist that I be exactly like you, or Daria, or anyone else in order to communicate with me? This is a very sad situation for me.

  307.  #307Senior Lady Vibe on November 18, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    What I was enjoying as I traveled around being encouraged by my goddess within, soon turned to upset as I returned to the blog to find ugly things posted about me.

    I’ll catch up later, I’m taking care of my grandchildren now and when look into the blog I do not see happy times. This is not good for anyone.

  308.  #308April Rose on November 18, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    Dear SLV,

    What is your objection to writing in feeling messages.
    In all our exchanges I have felt hopeful that you’d write me, just once, “I feel……”

  309.  #309Starla on November 18, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    blah blah blah

    this place sucks

    i’m leaving. for 10 minutes. I’ll be back with cupcakes and champagne.

  310.  #310mali on November 18, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    I’m realising that I want to fill my life with even more great things =)

    I’m scared of being thought of as boring, actually… I don’t go out clubbing, as most people in my year do.

    I attend choir, I do resistance training, I write a blog, read about spirituality, and love my course. But I want more. But is that because I want to impress people? Yes.

    And yet. I fear dancing. I fear it because my body doesn’t feel in sync. But I know it’s feminine. It’ll make me feel gorgeous and sexy.

    Btw, I looked HOT today. Long luscious locks with those brown highlights flowing down my back, long pretty earrings bobbing with every turn of the head, and that black leather jacket with those boots? OOOFF. Hot stuff.

    But anyway, I’m going to confront that fear. I’m going to go and do salsa aerobics on Tuesday! 😀

  311.  #311Femininewoman on November 18, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    I always feel an internal pull to throw myself in the middle of fights and to defend what seems in my mind like the underdog. I am visualizing a rope around my waist pulling me away from doing this now. I am also wondering if it is my warrior Goddess that get’s activated or if I like to play the role of matyr because many times I end up on the losing end. I am also wondering if I am addicted to adrenaline why I do this. Lots of learning and things for me to heal. I feel a tingling in my arms and behind my ears and am accepting that as the adrenaline rush for the fight syndrome.

    Breathe breathe breathe. Relax relax relax. Dropping my thoughts to my pelvis. Imagining it expanding.
    Though I feel all these sensations and feelings in my body I deeply love and accept myself.
    I love me. I appreciate myself for learning how to notice these feelings and taking care of myself.

  312.  #312April Rose on November 18, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    Dear SLV,

    I feel admiration for you that you have brought up children, and now have grandchildren.

    I haven’t any children. I never felt strong enough or brave enough.

    re. 307
    I feel glad that you were feeling encouraged by your goddess within, and that I may have had something to do with it.
    Like I said, it would feel really good to connect with you. If you let me in on how you feel about things I would feel honoured.

  313.  #313Ella on November 18, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    Lilli 41 re 203,

    Great. You are going to be fine I can tell.

    And you will get a great man who will honour and worship you.


  314.  #314Starla on November 18, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    “What I was enjoying as I traveled around being encouraged by my goddess within, soon turned to upset as I returned to the blog to find ugly things posted about me.”

    Alright, let’s establish the ground rules according to SLV. You may NOT blame her or scrutinize anything she does. However, she may do this freely to you, as she sees fit. And then insist she would never do such a thing. Now in true SLV spirit I shall say something snarky and deeply personal to “win” the argument: is it senility, SLV?

    Good to know! You’re welcome for the update!

    😀 See, I can be a stuck in my head, snarky, self-righteous, hypocritical b*tch, too. But just because I’m clever and bold in this way, doesn’t mean I have to talk like this all the time. Because it sucks. And I bet you’re fuming. And you’re going to post something really amazing back..really clever and mean and biting, perhaps veiled as something else, as you are INTENSELY clever and I would expect no less. Ah yes, I bet your face feels hot, your blood may even be boiling, or perhaps you feel totally numb. But we’ll never know, cuz you’ll be too busy trying to cut us down since you feel cut-down.

    It’s feeling messages that are the magic. Not the nastiness we’re partaking in above. Here we disconnect. Here we compete.

  315.  #315Ella on November 18, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    Lizka re 204

    Yay!! xx

  316.  #316Ella on November 18, 2011 at 2:19 pm



    You naturally did what I was suggesting in my posts!

    I feel so happy to see empowered Sirens and good vibes.


  317.  #317Starla on November 18, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    You know, I thought I wanted to make a point, maybe “break through” to a stubborn siren for once and for all, but I feel just nauseated reading what I wrote. I’m sorry SLV. I’m sorry Starla.

    I guess I don’t enjoy being like that anymore. Even though I’m very good at it. I want to vomit and cry.

    :'( :'(

    What a horrible way to relate to people.

    I’m at work and I’m gonna be sick

  318.  #318Ella on November 18, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    SLV like button re 209.

  319.  #319Starla on November 18, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    I just want to apologize again to SLV herself and to anyone who read my post to her. I am really sorry.

  320.  #320Daria on November 18, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    about the soft voiced thing…

    me too!!

    i feel so thrilled about having a soft voice to use now too

    omgosh it feels sooo sensual hehee

    it gets described as sexy for me too

  321.  #321Laughing Goddess on November 18, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    I feel pulled toward drama sometimes.

    How do I feel right now? Kind of numb, excited, fearful, heart beating fast, hopeful.

  322.  #322Ella on November 18, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    LK re 217,

    Or maybe they can grow a LOT each day!!


  323.  #323Laughing Goddess on November 18, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    Starla, hopin you can love yourself through your shameful(?) feelings.

    I’m feeling concerned you will beat yourself up and feeling sad about that.

  324.  #324Ella on November 18, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    April Rose re 225,

    You just cracked me up too!!!

    He he he. 🙂

  325.  #325T-Girl on November 18, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    I am learning that it is ok to be vulnerable, not perfect, not have the perfect family, show my emotions and he still sticks around and seems to want to come even closer. Wow. Amazing.

  326.  #326Starla on November 18, 2011 at 2:42 pm


    Thank you sweetheart:) I’m not feeling shame…just grossed out. Weird.

    I don’t think I much care for handling things in that way. I learned something new about myself today:)

    Also, day 1 of my period. Hello, hormones.

  327.  #327mali on November 18, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    @Starla- 317

    Big, loving hugs to you Siren!
    What is said is said, and realise that in even recognising how it came across, and feeling bad about it, that is progress right?

  328.  #328Daria on November 18, 2011 at 2:55 pm

    it read to me like:

    “im washing my hands after lunch. i like to be clean.
    it doesnt mean that everyone likes to be clean”

    its implying that if someone DOESN’T wash their hands after lunch, they don’t like to be clean

    which is not true

    and it feels awful to read the implication

    like wait, i didn’t agree that i don’t like to be clean! just cuz i dont wash my hands after lunch!!??!

    how did i get pigeonholed into THAT category!!! i feel furious and hoodwinkied.
    its like, if i think that thinking is masculine energy, that implies that my goddess is not ‘thoughtful’

    which is not true

    thinking and thoughtful are ironically not quite the same

    like washing hands after lunch and “being clean” are not quite the same

    this kinda false logic thing that im talking about that triggers me with my family members

    it feels INFURIATING TO ME! i feel like shaking them !

    and often my mom has Said that she doesn’t realize that she’s being “mean” or that she is not seeing her logical fallacy.

    it feels surprising but im really just going with ok she’s telling the truth.

    feeling a lil sigh now

    its a lil clearer to me even if it makes no impact on anyone else

    and i feel a lil more confident that i will be aware and notice this happening and shift the pattern

  329.  #329Starla on November 18, 2011 at 2:55 pm

    um nevermind, i bled for like 5 minutes and then the period stopped. must be spotting. hormonal! ahhhhh.

  330.  #330Ella on November 18, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    SLV re 306 & 263,

    I think it is simply because when you say “She’s also thoughtful. That doesn’t mean everyone’s has to be” it sounds like you are implying that other Siren’s Goddesse’s are not thoughtful.

    It sounds like a subtle insult…

    And that could be what caused the reaction.

    However later on you say that you were simply being literal.

    What do you think?

  331.  #331April Rose on November 18, 2011 at 2:58 pm


    No beating yourself up, please.

    Any outburst, to me is an outburst of fire. Even hateful words have passion in them. You are a passionate woman. So is SLV.

    The puzzle for me is –
    Where to put all the judgements, the heavy heavy judgements that we carry about ourselves and other people? What to do with them? Where is the place I can pile them onto and transform them into Love?

  332.  #332Daria on November 18, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    sorry about the blaming shaming in the original post and any that may have carried over after 🙁

  333.  #333Ella on November 18, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    SLV re 307

    That posts feels a little threatening… although I suspect maybe it is not meant to be?

    I sometimes feel disconnected.

    I feel sad when I feel misunderstood as I am trying to connect sometimes.

  334.  #334Ella on November 18, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    Starla re 309.


    Can I have some??

  335.  #335Daria on November 18, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    FW – i LOVE what you said about the rope around your waist.

    I feel so safe with you reading that. I want to hug you.

    It felt so good and homy to me. I really relate too, to that pull and I love the rope tool.

    I am learning how to speak on how i feel about what i see around me without going into “take side thinking.”

    it feels challenging (yeah) but feels like amazing change when i’ve noticed i’ve shifted.

    so much more peace of mind and healing

  336.  #336Ella on November 18, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    Mali re 310.

    Good for you.

    Dancing feels GREAT and sexy once you get over the fear.

    Zumba is good too! 😉

  337.  #337Ella on November 18, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    Re 311,

    I always want to get involved in conflict too with my ‘opinions’ about who I think is right, usually because of my own emotional pulls.

    Here it is around my own disconnect I feel…


    Hmmm, gonna sit with this and ask myself why I always want to get involved and make opinions in conflict.

  338.  #338Ella on November 18, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    Starla re 317


    Yes your previous post felt uncomfortable and icky to read to me too!

    And great, here is too learning.

    I also felt impressed by your braveness and honesty, although yes it does suck to be like that for me, now that I have a different way I can choose to be.


  339.  #339Daria on November 18, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    I felt uncomfortable reading Starla’s post though maybe less triggered than i wouldve been if i hadnt been scrolling up and seen apologies first…

    i felt good though reading some stuff that i thought i ‘see’ going on but didn’t know how to express them

    “And you’re going to post something really amazing back..really clever and mean and biting, perhaps veiled as something else,”

    this felt good like AHA words that describe my experience – this is what i ‘see’ going on too – but its not quite my experience, its about someone else! RAUGH

    but i feel afraid to even write this

    i want to be able to write about what i ‘see’ without putting it on the person like a blame

    so i’ve been mostly avoididng even mentioning what i see

    i feel kinda sad right now

    i want to have the words to express myself!

    if eel frustrated!!

  340.  #340April Rose on November 18, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    From Rori’s blog “If You Feel Like You’re under Attack” June 27th 2011

    “Someone who triggers us that deeply is very important to us – and can be HUGE for your healing.

    A charge this big that would make any of us write for days about it and think about it and work through it is a huge gift.

    The goal here is to work with the triggering until you are actually past it…until you have no more charge.”

    I’m wondering what I’ve taken on by entering into this forum. I feel worried that I’ve been responsible for this mini-explosion. I also feel glad if I can be a catalyst for healing.

    Seriously, I want to ask myself what I am doing here. What is my intention?
    Learning, healing, engaging, opening up, softening, being surprised, connection with you, being prepared to weather storms, releasing fears and blocks. And more… things that I can’t predict…..

    Everything that can expand my being, in other words.
    So that my relationships can be enriched.
    I do deeply want to feel fulfilled in my relationships and my life.

  341.  #341April Rose on November 18, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    from SLV 306,
    ” “Us and them’ is fine so long as there is at least one person on my team!…”

    I am sad to read that you are condoning a “us versus them” mentality on Rori’s blog. This is not what I wish for and expect here.”

    from Daria 335,
    “I am learning how to speak on how i feel about what i see around me without going into “take side thinking.” ”

    I have a huge pull towards the safety of being on someone’s team.
    I love it when my man and I are working together as a team.
    I’m not condoning an ‘us and them’ mentality on Rori’s blog.
    I am however expressing that I enjoy the ‘me and you against the world’ adventurer feeling as opposed to ‘me alone against the world’ which feels desperate.

    It came up when I was reminded of how I feel when I perceive someone as isolated and vulnerable. I felt that way about Daria. She was brave enough to say how she felt. I wasn’t. So, in solidarity, I had more courage.

    This is where I’m headed – I feel safe when someone supports me.

    Phew. These things reveal themselves to me when I persist. I feel persistent. I don’t feel like giving up.

    Sorry Daria, this is my stuff.

  342.  #342Jean on November 18, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    feeling confusion please, my lovely sirens, if you would be so kind to lend your thoughts and suggestions….I was/am in a relationship with man. Realized it was not what I wanted it to be but was not CD’ing and we were exclusive. I considered it fine with me as I was using it as a learning experience, with my feeling messages, my dance positions, leaning back, getting my needs met. But I was never”serious” about him…and now I am to the point where I really don’t see a point in continuing to see him anylonger, but don’t know how to have him out of the picture. I am not cd’ing right now and do not want to, as I will be moving to a new city in the next 2-3 months, at which point I will be cd’ing again. so I am feeling unsure how to stop seeing him, I feel silly to say that. I have been putting “time” between us, so I am seeing less and less of him. But I don’t feel comfortable just “ending it”…giving a speech that its over. Because I feel, its not my job to do that, I feel I shouldn’t “have” to do that, it feels like too much work to me. what do you think? thank you!

  343.  #343Lizka on November 18, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    ” Oh I’m no one’s wife.., but I love my life!”

    (it’s from the musical Chicago)

  344.  #344Daria on November 18, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    April Rose – thanks, i feel surprised to get an apology..

    i don’t realy feel triggered

    actually for me i have strong us vs them tendencies and have decided to shift that for myself

    it feels more peaceful when i don;t make war

    like a ‘me and you WITH the world’ kinda concept

    im babystepping there

  345.  #345Daria on November 18, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    Jean – i would say, if you don’t want to give a speech.. dont!

    you are moving anyway!

    and CDing is not ending it with a man and doesn’t have to do with meeting a man to settle down with in the area… its about healing with every interaction with any of lots of men that show up in your life…

    so you can start right away wherever you are even if you’re in a town for one week

    sounds like you have some resistance around CDing – even though you said you will do it in your new place – and I would start to look about shifting in myself whatever beliefs are not helping me aroudn that

  346.  #346Lilybelly on November 18, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    Since I have been working on myself for oh, so long now, one of the things that I have worked on is my tongue. Oh, it can be razor sharp but when it has been, it’s been because someone who knew how to push my buttons, would do so to cause that reaction from me. And then, in turn, were able to turn the situation back on me in the most aggressive way. It was a way to gain the “upper hand” and didn’t matter what the situation was. A “I am better than you” type of thing.

    Since I have stopped allowing people to do this to me, by having some very strong boundaries..I am noticing these same people, become very passive aggressive. (I am speaking in my real life, btw)

    Passive aggressiveness really chaps my a$$.

    I take after my father. He rarely got mad but when he did, holy hannah! I am happy to notice that I have come so far.

    It’s amazing how people react when you place boundaries where there never were any before. I am finding that one person in my life, has no idea how to communicate with me anymore since I don’t allow her to verbally assault me.

    I have to admit, I feel quite proud of myself and have gained a lot of peace because of it.

  347.  #347April Rose on November 18, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    I’m just remembering a phrase – no closure.

    Perhaps other sirens can expand on it. Cos the phrase is all I can remember.

  348.  #348LILI 41 on November 18, 2011 at 5:09 pm



    I love love love love what your wrote!!!

    “I’m feeling good about my relationship. I’ve never been with someone who loves me so much. I feel very calm and secure and trusting in our relationship. It feels good and frees up a lit of energy to focus on my passions because I’m not putting a bunch of energy into worrying about him.”

    I’ve known that feeling once before. Unfortunately it didn’t last, but at least I’ve gotten a glimpse of it. I’m looking forward to feeling that in a relationship again.

    I feels good to read from you LG, bc it’s proof that it exists.

    Thank you for inspiring me.

  349.  #349LILI 41 on November 18, 2011 at 5:15 pm


    Hi Jean,

    Are you afraid of being lonely until you move? Is that what’s making you hesitant?

    I’m in that boat right now. I want to procrastinate coz I’m scared of that lonely time before I meet someone new.

  350.  #350VW on November 18, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    Okay my dear Sirens…reading someone’s comments on the blog today…makes me feel absolutely amused…i feel smiley…and okay, i admit, “she” sounds kinda of “cookkoo”…:(

    and a 2nd thought…is a man in disguised…mirroring us …but if he does that…i don’t know…he is pretty bad at it…lol

    warm hugs darlings 🙂

  351.  #351Lilybelly on November 18, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    This AH video offered more to me and caused more AHA moments in it’s 18 minutes than any other I have watched. I hope it doesn’t get stuck.


  352.  #352Daria on November 18, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    this feels really uncomfortable to write…omgosh

    wow that post felt really uncomfortable to read vw.

    i am feleing kinda judgemental… i am practicing keeping my heart open and under judgemental i feel sad and scared

  353.  #353LILI 41 on November 18, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    I told my bf that I found out that the flirty neighbour lady went on vacation w D.
    She knows this lady, we were friends w her sister.

    She flipped out. She told me “her and her sister-in-law wouldn’t be posting these things on FB if D gave them the impression that things were going well between you and him.”

    My bf flipped out, and she can’t wait to see me cut him out.

    I’ve been sinking into my feelings and they are morphing. I’m not feeling any anger or any resentment.
    I’m feeling sad and scared. Scared of being alone for too long. My friends are not calling me. My ego won’t let me reach out to them.
    I was really starting to enjoy my alone time last week. I even caught myself enjoying feeling free as a bird.
    Freedom from the emotional roller coaster. It felt releiving.
    I feel disgusted with how he has treated me.
    He called me today, he wanted to take me to dinner.
    I was happy that I had plans to have dinner w my bf.

    He asked why my voice was different. I wasn’t feeling excited to be talking to him after he’d been gone away for a whole week. He said it looked like my dinner was my bf introducing me to a single friend or something. I said no, but it could be.
    I just brushed it off coz I was on my way out to meet my bf.
    Her and her boyfriend do not want to introduce me to this new guy bc they want to wait until D is completely out of the picture 1st.
    She said we wouldn’t want him to get his heart broken.
    I agreed to see D later after his son’s hockey game. He asked me to come along, but I declined. I said I had been cold all day and I’m tired. He knows something’s up.
    By the time he gets here, it will be a little late and I’m dog tired and sleepy.
    That’s OK, coz that’s when I’m calmest to be best connected to my feelings.
    I won’t mention the lady neighbour one bit. This is not about her or him, this is about me and my feelings.
    Even without that story, I just don’t feel the butterflies in my stomach to see him. I’m looking forward to practice sharing my feelings.
    I feel turned off. This relationship has run its course. I am so thankful of having learned so incredibly much from all its triggers.

  354.  #354LILI 41 on November 18, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    I received my Toxic Men backup cd’s on Tuesday. I’ve been listening to them in my car every day. This is the best place to listen when I’m stuck in traffic to and from work. It really is sinking in.

    BW please get the Toxic Men program it’s amazyingly great!

  355.  #355Lilybelly on November 18, 2011 at 5:54 pm


    I’ll be thinking of you, Lili. And one suggestion, if you don’t mind..

    I would be wary of allowing “smack” talk about D while at dinner tonight. It may put you in a different feeling place and I like how you sound right now. you know?

    Tight hugs, Siren.

  356.  #356LILI 41 on November 18, 2011 at 5:55 pm


    Good for you Lilybelly! You must feel alot more peace.


  357.  #357Daria on November 18, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    omg so not my business

    but please oh please Lili mention the neighbor lady

    this cold tone is just the inauthentic communication we want to move away from

    i would feel so glad for you to be honest and talk about this with him

    him : “whtsup”

    you: “im just feeling really weird having found out that you were on a trip with the neighbor lady”

    thats it, thats all it takes to start the authenticity…

  358.  #358Daria on November 18, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    VW feeling scared to have pushed you away…

    i feel good with you being my friend and feel a lot of love for you

  359.  #359VW on November 18, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    It’s all good Daria 🙂

    i know it is very judgmental of me to say that…but somehow, it felt good in the moment……and yes now, i feel bad a bit for blurring out something i thought of…

    warm hugs,

  360.  #360VW on November 18, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    aww Lili 41, big hugs …

    yes, the toxic men program is awesome…i have the dvds…it was an eye opening for me…

    i feel glad to hear you have a supportive friend to hear you…yet, i would caution you about absorbing someone’s energy – that comes when we share such “news” with that…

    i used to love being given validity…i still do…yet, it does not offer real healing…that is a big difference to consider…

    warm hugs,

  361.  #361LILI 41 on November 18, 2011 at 6:12 pm


    Hi lovely Lillybelly.

    I already had the dinner, I’m back. It’s 9pm where I am.
    My friend is very understanding. She has been through it all. She flipped out, but she’s been where I am. She’s been hooked on men that weren’t good for her…one after the other. They were all healing therapy for her. She knows I need to go through this and have stuck w him til I’ve learned what I need to move on.
    It wasn’t smack talk but more of support.

  362.  #362Lilybelly on November 18, 2011 at 6:14 pm


    I feel so happy you are supported in real life as well as here on the island.


  363.  #363Lilybelly on November 18, 2011 at 6:19 pm


    Oh yes, VW. Validation of the pain and heartache one goes through feels good but you are right.

    I longed for, even needed validation for the events that brought me to the island. It was so painful and I couldn’t believe that it was happening and then again, that some thought it was okay. Wow. I got my validation and my support and am still healing.

    It isn’t my story anymore. It’s just something that happened that caused immense growth.

  364.  #364Butterfly Wings on November 18, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    Hello sirens! Just checking in quickly because I have to go out for a bit. S was heading interstate this morning which is why he was wanting to go home at a decent hour. He invited me in when the cab stopped at his house, offering to get me another cab, but I said no – I know what might have happened if I’d said yes, and I wasn’t really ready for that.

    This morning I’ve received several texts from him, first wishing me a good morning and later asking me how my day was… it’s nice! 🙂

    I’ve not yet had a face to face talk with TH and now that my daughter is home I suppose it’s not going to happen anytime soon. He did mention taking me out to dinner tonight, so maybe we can talk then.

    I’ll probably say something about how I feel bad about our situation and that I don’t want to feel that way anymore…

    Argh! Ok gotta go. Talk a bit later! 🙂

  365.  #365luzydel on November 18, 2011 at 6:32 pm

    How to get over someone …

    I am reading this guy’s work and I like his approach.
    I like it more that EMK’s brutal honesty…this is more logical.


  366.  #366GingerSky on November 18, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    #8 lk Omg, this *so* makes sense and feels totally true for me… wow… am getting revelations on this… the faces and body language of men, boyfriends and family, who I’ve been close to when they felt from my attitude that they weren’t making me happy, whether I felt that or not and showed it accidentally or intentionally… my friend who I’ve been thinking about today who’s blaming her husband for something on aond on (and his behavior *is* inappropriate) and I see it’s her ungrounding him and making him feel so ashamed and like a bad boy all the time… thanks for this comment.

    I’ve been working long long days every day pretty much and miss Sirens… I love this place and what I gain, share and feel here…

    …me, my relationships and my life are totally/deeply/gloriously/authentically/inexpressably/miraculously different than 8 months ago when I started really engaging this. Leaning back is now a *delicious* and incredibly softly powerful default place for me the majority of the time… it was so hard and weird and tiring at first… now not leaning back is tiring, and never in my life have I been able to keep so much of my energy to feel and to use, rather than wasting it out by leaning forward all the time… and the waterwheel is flowing ever more towards me… I feel so incredibly whole.

  367.  #367GingerSky on November 18, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    #357 Daria I feel so much love for you bc of what you say here and how you said it… and how it affects me. It’s *so* right on with what we’re doing here, and esp what I’m about… thank you, Daria. Blessings.

  368.  #368GingerSky on November 18, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    #344 Daria Yes, exactly 🙂 That used to be one of me and my Mom’s songs… even though war was in our house…

    …war can be so eggy, so fascinating, so fake-powerful-feeling… and a good teacher imo…

    And yet i ask… simply be with… come with… play with… feel with… me.

  369.  #369GingerSky on November 18, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    edgy, i mean (not “eggy”)

  370.  #370GingerSky on November 18, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    Rori, you said: Are you seeing men (or one man) in a specific way that only allows him to be the way you see him?

    If you change how you perceive a man, without “hoping” for change – will he change?

    I say yes…”

    And I agree…bc i am living the seeing of it happening before my eyes… and he’s doing the same with me amazingly too… and we’re both changing. Because we have space to, and support, and less of a choking feeling of beinbg conrolled and having a knee-jerk reaction of resistance to prove our point and not lose the last bit of ground we stand on… and from someone (each other) managing us so much…

    I fight when necessary if I’m feeling sure it’s necessary, as this past 2 weeks in business negotiations with an old friend and the group here… and after the fight using boy energy, I can go right back to leaning into femme energy… and the love stays even after the necessary fight. Results are had and change is manifest.

    And I am in *my own* business… only. It feels more than good.

  371.  #371GingerSky on November 18, 2011 at 7:38 pm

    Okay, my last msg tonight… such linited time here…

    I love every one of you here… SO very much… such amazing women, all ages, different places and areas of life and the world… such amazing insightful incisive comments… such delight and gritty authenticity and honest woman energy… this place is a dream come true for me. Where have you all been all my life, and I’m so glad to have finally met you online… maybe someday in person perhaps…

    Thank you, Rori, for making this possible.

    Goodnight lovely Sirens… hugs, blessings, stars and life force, vision, joy, beauty, prettiness, and fresh connection with Creator to each and every one of you precious souls… love.

  372.  #372VW on November 18, 2011 at 7:49 pm


    feeling a bit angry…

    Daria, I love you and care for u lots…but gosh, i feel bad as in being “scolded” by my mother hen…:(

    I want that to stop…it does not feel good …and since we are at it…i feel annoyed when i am often “corrected” – here or on FB…:( I often feel afraid to be my authentic self (including being a bitch at times)…that my “mom” will punish me…and withdraw her love and friendship twds me…:(

    I don’t want to feel that way with you…

    I enjoy Daria who uses her wisdom and knowledge to help me direct my attention from a judgement I have to what that means to me…what is my shadow…

    I also wonder, am I mirroring Daria’s past? Has Daria healed her own judgements and attacks of others in the past?

    I noticed I like an “us” and “we” when the shoe fits me 🙁 sigh…and i kind of feel embarrassed to admit it…

    I wonder if I bring this pattern into my “relationships” (of any form)…i flight the fight…sort of way…:( if it does not feel good…i leave …:( I am like a little girl with a temper tantrum…:(

    arghh…wow…i feel humbled my own revelation tonite…

  373.  #373VW on November 18, 2011 at 7:51 pm


    feeling a bit an*gry…

    Daria, I love you and care for u lots…but gosh, i feel bad as in being “sc*olded” by my mother hen…:(

    I want that to stop…it does not feel good …and since we are at it…i feel annoyed when i am often “corrected” – here or on FB…:( I often feel afraid to be my authentic self (including being a b*itch at times)…that my “mom” will punish me…and withdraw her love and friendship twds me…:(

    I don’t want to feel that way with you…

    I enjoy Daria who uses her wisdom and knowledge to help me direct my attention from a judgement I have to what that means to me…what is my shadow…

    I also wonder, am I mirroring Daria’s past? Has Daria healed her own judge*ments and atta*cks of others in the past?

    I noticed I like an “us” and “we” when the shoe fits me 🙁 sigh…and i kind of feel embarrassed to admit it…

    I wonder if I bring this pattern into my “relationships” (of any form)…i flight the fi*ght…sort of way…:( if it does not feel good…i leave …:( I am like a little girl with a tem*per ta*ntrum…:(

    arghh…wow…i feel humbled my own revelation tonite…

  374.  #374Ice Princess on November 18, 2011 at 8:06 pm

    I’m feeling ignored and unimportant in LPs life again. He took off early yesterday and came over for sex, a nap, and a shower. Then he called me later that night to vent about his job. I think I did a good job of listening. Now today I haven’t heard anything from him. I feel like I should ignore him tomorrow should he call.

  375.  #375LILI 41 on November 18, 2011 at 8:13 pm



    I appreciate that point of view. I’ve told too many people about my situation. Now that makes me feel bad bc most people tend to judge.
    My 2 best friends are my best friends bc they are always objective, and they give people the benefit of the doubt.

  376.  #376VW on November 18, 2011 at 8:19 pm

    Yes, Lili 41…

    Validation tends to bond us to people…creates a sense of relatedness…

    that is good that you have friends who can be objective about the situation and remain impartial…

    i like that in some of friends…

    and yet, having a friend or friends with experience in coaching…outside the blog to walk you through these experiences and help you shift the negative thoughts…and thus, the energy…makes a big difference…

    i’ve worked here with Daria and Dominique (Tinque)…outside the blog…and it’s been awesome…

    warm hugs,

  377.  #377LILI 41 on November 18, 2011 at 8:32 pm


    I have something to heal about validation.
    I seek out validation too much.
    I don’t feel strong enough to validate my own feelings.
    I feel week.
    Then I feel bad for being judged.
    I just noticed that I accused and blamed D alot for being week and not being able to make up his own mind.
    We’re always accusing and blaming to deflect our own stuff we want to avoid looking at don’t we.

  378.  #378VW on November 18, 2011 at 8:48 pm

    Lili 41:

    i placed myself in your situation for a moment…

    I recalled a moment when i shared something with a friend…she gave me validation…by nodding, being in agreement, expressing emphaty, compassion…

    in these moments…i felt something…at a body level…i felt tingly in my chest…like feeling happy…stronger maybe?…feeling seen…heard…my ego got a boost…my self-esteem temporarily got elavated…

    but, i noticed a big difference in the duration of these feelings…having to do…with WHAT I SHARED to get validation…

    If I shared what he did do or not do…my upset made all about him, the “good” feelings lasted only temparirly…

    however, if i share from a place of honorship of my own feelings…no blaming…it’s not about what he did…but rather how i felt in a situation…the empowerment and the good feelings lasted longer…

    it also makes a big difference in healing this pattern if I can experience the shift/energy/thoughts…notice them…and practice them each and every time…

    That is how i learned that the work with a good heart based coach makes an amazing difference…

    i wish i could pay for a coach a daily basis…:( and i am soo serious…

    warm hugs,

  379.  #379lk on November 18, 2011 at 9:22 pm

    Oh I feel so excited….

    I went on my date with CDcd… & it was such a good day! he had planned all these things, but after the tea house (which was beautiful! & i pxoped in a public bathroom YAY me LOL, like the 3rd time in my flipping life)……. we just walked around all day. chatting & exploring, talking about architecture & school & medicine & agriculture & music & religion & gender & violence & family….. it was really amazing. I feel so safe & comfortable around that guy.

    I didn’t want to go to dinner with him. I felt like it would be better to have a quiet evening & he seemed actually happy for me to express that, even though he did really want me to come… we bought records too & he is going to copy all his for me & he said he had an external harddrive with music for me that he forgot. well, i forgot something of his too, so i suppose we’ll have to meet again ; )

    i liked when we hugged & that he did not try to kiss me. that was good & made me feel really safe & calm, though I do think it would feel good to kiss him.

    So when he left, i just continued to walk around. I went to this shop i’d been to before & bought some Tibetan mandala art & some fetish animals & a baseball hat LOL i have never worn a baseball hat but i suddenly wanted one a lot : )

    Then i got in the car & felt really lonely for my parents – i’m so lucky they live nearby! – & i called & my dad invited me for dinner so i got there just as the news was ending & we made a really quickeasy dinner of leftovers & listened to music & i shared some of CD’s music & also played some dubstep really loud haha & made them turn the lights out so they could focus on the aural sense…. haha… pretty good.

  380.  #380lk on November 18, 2011 at 9:25 pm

    @Ice Princess 373

    “Now today I haven’t heard anything from him. I feel like I should ignore him tomorrow should he call.”

    Wow! That feels so strange to read….

    I’d honestly feel so frxaking annoyed if someone called me every day. Or even txtd me that often!

    Do you want that? Hmmm… I feel interested to think that you want that as normal : ) I’d really enjoy hearing more about that feeling of wanting to hear from someone every day…

  381.  #381lk on November 18, 2011 at 9:35 pm

    ANDDDD while cooking with my mama, I opened her cupboard & saw right in the front this big jar of WASABI lol, so i was like, mama, can i take a few spoonfulls of this in a bag? i’ve been fully craving wasabi….. & she was like that? i’ve never even opened it, your dad wanted it, just take it : )))))))) YESSSS

    & she also saw my necklace & was like, oh i have some jewelry from your aunt for you…& i was like oh from when? she’s like I forget, a long time ago. WHAT? mom, you’re kind of nuts….. but it’s a bracelet & earrings – really cool dark freshwater pearls. i feel spoiled!! LOL i think they were a gift from like YEARS ago? mom…. come on…. hahaha but she probably found them while looking for her lost earrings last night, i guess : )

    i suppressed my desire to respond to her last night with, “lol, mom, txt me when you find them” but i thought that was insensitive & forgot to actually answer. OF COURSE she found them in a box somewhere. jeeeeeeeez lol love you, mama : )

  382.  #382lk on November 18, 2011 at 9:37 pm

    POOR sqw! lol, he is online right now on a friday night with the scary lawschoolpoorboy busy status on email… ohhhhhhh : ( i feel bad that contact with me probably is causing him to feel more stressed. this email friendship is SO not working for us. i’m feeling excited to share my thoughts with him about this & express my preferences about a different way to stay in touch : )

  383.  #383VW on November 18, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    Ice Princess #373

    i feel sad reading your post…i want to give u a big warm hug and make it all better…:(

    I certainly had similar situations like yours…and what i learned…

    It does not matter what he does or doesn’t do…

    What matters is how we feel…and right now…there is catch up to do on feelings ( i placed myself in your shoes)…

    so, now…i feel angry…i feel taken for granted…i want to hit him…how dare he? i don’t want to feel this way…i don’t want to feel like a “sex” object..discarded, mistreated…arghhhh…

    i feel tension in my tummy…like a ball pressuring and expanding…wanting to get out…arrghh…i want to let him have it…i want to punish him…i want tit-for-tat…

    tears…damn it…sigh…

    my little girl feels scared…unloved…:( would she ever feel safe in love? would all men abandon her like her daddy did?

    my inner boy comes in handy here…i must honor my little man…:) he’s been there all along…he never abandons his girl…he is the one who cares for her daily…

    wow…have i appreciated him? how did i forget to honor my boy? how do i forget to seek him out when i feel alone and scared?

    hmm…maybe that is all everything must begin…with me…taking care of me…always…when men don’t show up…i will honor my feelings (sad, bad, angry) but quickly shift and bring out my boy and make a plan for us…

    when man shows up…i will feel better…i will express my feelings (sadness, don’t wants) with warmth and openness…

    hmm…awesome exercise for myself…

    thank you for inspiring me Ice Princess…

    warm hugs,

  384.  #384LILI 41 on November 18, 2011 at 9:45 pm



    I did mention it after all. How could I not?.

    I got to read your FM before he arrived. The issue w this woman is getting old and has brewed quite a storm in the past.
    The FM you wrote was great, but I didn’t feel like it fit me tonight.

    I said that I felt really weird about it. She rubs up against you on the dance floor and clings to you all night in front of me, her husband and your family. She acts like a martyr that I’m not OK w it.
    Then how can I be expected to feel comfortable you being on vacation w her, without me and her husband there?
    I feel invaded by her. It would feel awful to be controlling, but I can’t bring myself to accept this woman in your life.
    He said she wanted to go on vacation w her sisters, but being in a foreign country for the 1st time, they felt better going w a bunch of men.

    I told him that alot of women go there alone all the time, so what would be dangerous about 3 women being there together?

    He asked “So how was I supposed to be mean and turn her down?”
    “Are her feelings more important than mine? more important than our relationship?
    I don’t feel safe in a relationship that is not protected from such invasion.

    He said “I can fix it, I can push her far away”.
    I said “Yeah, you did say you were doing that since this summer, so how did she make her way on your vacation?
    Before I even knew about her tagging along, I felt awful about being left behind.
    I’ve been feeling left behind all year.
    You’ve been gone 6 of your 7 weeks of vacation in this 1 year. I’ve missed you terribly. I’ve shared how I couldn’t keep feeling that way, only to be left behind again.
    I’ve shared how it would feel so good to go back to that cozy romantic country inn we once went to. I was expecting you to take me there for your last week of vacation for the year.
    Instead, I was home alone feeling unworthy of that.”

    He replied that he really wanted to start over our relationship from scratch, That he knows he wasn’t being good to me.

    My response:
    I’ve had many draining angry outbursts. I’ve felt depressed and lonely. That doesn’t feel like happiness to me. I want to be happy again, I don’t want to keep festering in these bad feelings. It’s not healthy for me at all and I can’t keep doing it.

    I feel like I’ve stepped out, I’m no longer there, and I won’t let myself back in. I feel the need to honour my feelings and protect myself.

    He said:
    “I’ll make it up to you. Would you like to come to my son’s tournament out of town next weekend? I’m working tomorrow, but would you like to spend the evening with me?”

    My response: “Those feel like taking crumbs to me. I felt unworthy of a long romantic getaway weekend. I don’t want to make myself feel more unworthy by taking crumbs. I’m worth real alone vacation time.”

    He didn’t want to leave and insisted on calling me and picking me up tomorrow. But I refused.

    I don’t have any plans. My 2 friends are not available, I need to make new friends. The best thing I could do for myself is not pick up the phone and find a place to go for the evening.
    Darn, I don’t know where to go. Stores close at 5pm tomorrow 🙁

    I can’t keep having this same conversation over and over and over again.

    I will find good pictures to upload on my dating profile tomorrow.

  385.  #385lk on November 18, 2011 at 9:45 pm

    ok the fetish animals……..

    The dolphin — is for expressing your feelings through breathing

    The bear — is for the courage to go inward

    The lynx — is for clairvoyance : )

    So weird, actually…. because the first dream i had where i woke up being like, oh fxck, that dream is for sure not just a dream — at the very end of it, these animals were around me & this one was talking to me & i was like, oh, weird, a lynx. & the next morning i was like, wtf, what is a lynx? what does a lynx even look like – well, i found a lynx fetish animal that looks just like the “lynx” in my dream lol : )

  386.  #386LILI 41 on November 18, 2011 at 9:49 pm


    Point taken VW. I will try it that way.

  387.  #387LILI 41 on November 18, 2011 at 9:51 pm


    Hugs ((( IP )))

    Sink into your feelings, then share them in FMs.

  388.  #388VW on November 18, 2011 at 9:54 pm

    Lili #384:

    wow…i loved the way you handled how u felt…and what u don’t want…that is awesome…

    i feel very encouraged that he wants to make it work…

    the key is now getting you vibe up…and staying warm and open to him when he approaches…

    i would make a list in the morning with what would make me feel good to do for the weekend…

    gosh, i wish u were near me (i leave in pdx area)…we could really keep each other company…i love going out …and lately, i’ve been doing it alone…amazing experiences…and big openness of my heart and perspectives…

    warm hugs,

  389.  #389lk on November 18, 2011 at 10:06 pm

    OMG new music:

    Nirvana – Nevermind – w/ bonus & b-sides
    Adele – 21
    Tom Waits – Bad as Me

    Dxmn lk that’s some hot shxt.

  390.  #390lk on November 18, 2011 at 10:07 pm

    i asked my mom if she wanted to feel my leghair LOL & she was like, oh yeah, i did that one time. it’s cool. & was like, wow, i thought you’d be so grossed out : )

  391.  #391lk on November 18, 2011 at 10:12 pm

    @LILI 41 383

    Wow, i feel really impressed with your strength & the expression of your feelings…. I’d be scared to say no to the other plans & it’s really amazing to me to see you do that : ) I feel really good hearing about it! I want to be expressive about my wants & feelings too. I can do that too : )))

    about not knowing what to do tomorrow evening… if i’m doing something alone & i really feel lonely, not enjoying the quiet, if i do it for other people like a surprise or like helping it feels better & not lonely : )

  392.  #392Esteemed on November 18, 2011 at 10:22 pm

    Rori started a list of gifts above. Here are some more:

    Homemade scrapbook album of special photos with lots of decorations around the photos!

    Homemade card

    Poem using the letters of his name as an acrostic. For example, here is part of one I wrote for R in 2009…I am not going to include his last name, to protect his identity:

    RYAN ALEXANDER XXXXX, a radiant, regal child resembling royalty born, Month XXth, 19XX
    Your yesterdays yet yearn for youth, but yield…Yahweh! Yahweh is yours!
    Awesome ability appeared as avid advancement altered anguish akin to absolute annulment
    Noble, natural (novel, not normal!) nthusiasm for nippled nymphs napped in nuisance…never for nothing!

    Appreciative, accepting, affectionate, attractive, amazing assets arise as Aphrodite ascribes afterglow
    Loving, listening, luminous, lustrous lifeform with looks lures the less lucky like a limitless lighthouse
    Eternity echoes of ethereal ecstasy, Eternal Energy, establishing emotional intelligence and esteem
    X-ray eyes ever examine extra-sensitively even as the eyes
    Artfully appreciate appealing attributes…
    Naked…niiice! Nurture the knightly nucleus!
    Dear diary divulges deep, distinctive, divine dreams
    Extraordinary, emancipated essence elevates education to everything esteemed eye e-mail
    Righteous, radical, refined, respectful romantic responds to rewarding relationship

  393.  #393Esteemed on November 18, 2011 at 10:26 pm

    The lines I wrote didn’t come out well defined, so I am going to repost it, with returns in between, so you can more clearly see each letter of his name at the left:

    RYAN ALEXANDER XXXXX, a radiant, regal child resembling royalty born, Month XXth, 19XX

    Your yesterdays yet yearn for youth, but yield…Yahweh! Yahweh is yours!

    Awesome ability appeared as avid advancement altered anguish akin to absolute annulment

    Noble, natural (novel, not normal!) nthusiasm for nippled nymphs napped in nuisance…never for nothing!

    Appreciative, accepting, affectionate, attractive, amazing assets arise as Aphrodite ascribes afterglow

    Loving, listening, luminous, lustrous lifeform with looks lures the less lucky like a limitless lighthouse

    Eternity echoes of ethereal ecstasy, Eternal Energy, establishing emotional intelligence and esteem

    X-ray eyes ever examine extra-sensitively even as the eyes

    Artfully appreciate appealing attributes…

    Naked…niiice! Nurture the knightly nucleus!

    Dear diary divulges deep, distinctive, divine dreams

    Extraordinary, emancipated essence elevates education to everything esteemed eye e-mail

    Righteous, radical, refined, respectful romantic responds to rewarding relationship

  394.  #394lk on November 18, 2011 at 10:28 pm

    @Daria & @Starla

    Don’t know if i’m prying LOL – like this blog has anything to do with privacy – but…. have i caught that you guys were waiting for your blood to start like a week ago & now it still is not? because that is me… just sharing : ))))))

  395.  #395lk on November 18, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    & @Starla

    yes, actually – i am you! WEIRD, right?? : ))))))))))

  396.  #396lk on November 18, 2011 at 10:31 pm


    & OUCH!!!!!!!!

    MY HIP, MY OVARIES, MY NECK bahhhhhhumbug

  397.  #397lk on November 18, 2011 at 10:33 pm

    that is a lot of smilies & actually i am feeling very excited & happy : ) oh i do like to see those little smiles lol & yes actually i did just laugh out loud.

  398.  #398Esteemed on November 18, 2011 at 10:56 pm

    Ok, history is being made here in THIS love!

    I feel flushed with excitement right now! Ryan and I have been texting for about two hours, and he has opened the topic to romance for the first time in a very long time! I am feeling more connected with him right now than I have felt since 2009!

    He asked me how I’d define romance. First I gave him the long quote of Marianne Williamson that I posted here recently. Then I summed it up, ending with how it is very scary and painful to let down all those walls that we put up to protect our inner hearts.

    And the thing he said that excited me most was this:

    “And you probably don’t want to share that with someone then have them go and the difficult to do a second time with someone else.”

    He rarely says intimate things directly. It was a major thing for him to say, like he is not ready to walk away from the romance we once shared!

    He also said next to God, romance is the most important thing on earth. I feel happy and excited!

    This is no spring fling. I have been acquainted with him 4 years. We started dating almost 3 years ago. We dated 10 months. Things have been rocky since 2009, for those of you who are relatively new here and haven’t heard my saga blow by blow.

    I feel a soul-deep warmth creeping all over me! It is like a warm shower running all over me! I feel like I just walked into the will of God!

    On the one hand, I want to share all that we texted. But I guess it feels too personal. I just want to treasure it by myself tonight.

    This is monumental for me. This is the moment I’ve waited for 2 years.

  399.  #399lk on November 18, 2011 at 10:58 pm

    mmk that painting is crazy. put it on the bookshelf by my bed so i can look at it sitting on my bed… eye level there is this one yellow speck & if i focus on just it, the whole painting becomes like seeingeyecr8zymovingshxt

  400.  #400lk on November 18, 2011 at 11:05 pm

    that sounds really stupidstxner, but it is a really amazing painting. i can stand anywhere & choose anyplace to contemplate & be amazed… like the process is so amazing, there is no way to solve the chronology mysteries… & the colors are amazing & so…detailed? like….i sound stupid. but it’s a painting – it’s not words – you would have to see it! oh, but of course there is 1 word, the title, “Meditation” – oh, now do you “see” ?!? lol

  401.  #401Esteemed on November 18, 2011 at 11:07 pm

    Hey English Woman!

    What the bloody ‘ell is a bloody cheese plant??

    I was on London’s craigslist today for kicks and someone was giving away cheese plants!

    I asked for a provolone one!

  402.  #402Esteemed on November 18, 2011 at 11:12 pm

    Excellent gift idea!

    Barnes & Noble sells a small stuffed angel. It’s about 2 inches high and soft cloth. It has a little pocket in the back and comes with little squares of paper for writing prayers and putting them in the pocket.

    Ryan gave me one, and it’s the only gift he ever gave me. It only costs $5-6. Then he pulled his out now and then, mostly at the diner, asking me if I still had mine. Sometimes he would ask if I had mine, and I’d pull it out. Then he’d make them kiss on the middle of the table, reaching over to touch his to mine.

    At a glance, it sounds corny. But it was one of the most romantic things he did with me.

  403.  #403lk on November 18, 2011 at 11:17 pm

    Just heard the best excuse ever not to workout from one of the silly voices in my brain: “Yeah, you shouldn’t work out too often, because then the playlist you made gets old really fast.” awesome, lk, that makes total sense.

  404.  #404lk on November 18, 2011 at 11:22 pm

    @Esteemed – thanks for the music suggestion the other day! & also, thanks for the gift ideas!!

    Wow your poem made me feel impressed & happy! I like writing & i like sharing with people : ) If I received a gift like that, i would feel overwhelmed loved.

  405.  #405Ella on November 18, 2011 at 11:56 pm

    Re 379

    I want to hear from my man every day.

    It feels good to me.

  406.  #406Ella on November 18, 2011 at 11:58 pm


    Hmmm, ignoring bc you feel annoyed and ignored yourself might be inauthentic..

    And cause disconnect….

    Feels like a strategy to punish rather than feeling/expressing feelings…

    What do you think?

  407.  #407Rori Raye on November 19, 2011 at 12:13 am

    VW and Daria = Just wanted you to know I’m following this, and thank you so much for being you, Daria, and VW for speaking this so beautifully. Love, Rori

  408.  #408Daria on November 19, 2011 at 12:16 am

    lk… – mine has not started yet…

  409.  #409Daria on November 19, 2011 at 12:27 am

    i was feeling all drained and trying to ‘figure it out’

    i miss my dad

    he looks at me with angry kinda distant uncomfortableness again

    after having felt so good and close the first week i was here

    i feel like crying writing about this right now

    and my energy is all scattered again

    i wantt to organize my clothes, my table, which seemed so hour-doable when i first arrived

    so simple and fun

    and all teh fun stuff i imagined myself doing

    and instead im using my energy mostly to relax, through the tension

    and to smoke

    i keep finding smoking as the one fun thing i can rely on

    and that’s cool

    but under that is my frustration that i havent had my room organized

    or my legs shaved

    or my body worked out

    havent even got back to CD’s

    and just feeling STUCK again

    in this depressed place

    so tonite got an impromptu CD he gave me a ride and we went to the movies

    it felt nice and uncomfortable and all that

    and i feel somewhat refreshed

    just got an idea that maybe spending a couple nights out

    like 2 or 3

    will refresh me

    cuz vacations seem to

    maybe one night is not really it, i need like 2 or 3 nights

    maybe ill ask CD’s to take me on a mini sleep ovver vacations

    i want to see my godkids tomorrow

    im feeling a lil sad

    im in transition now

    im in the muddy pond thing

    this means another wave of blissful is coming


  410.  #410Daria on November 19, 2011 at 12:28 am

    that feels good Rori…

  411.  #411Starla on November 19, 2011 at 12:58 am

    lk, My period is supposed to come Monday morning. I had a tiny spot of blood today, so i snuck out of work and dropped 8 FREAKING DOLLARS at 7-11 for tampons. I felt all weird when the tampon was blood-free hours later. Like “ummm why did I shove this weird foreign thing in my body, then?”

    My PMS is really bad at times. For the longest time I rarely got a period and PMS’d for several weeks before it came.

    Now I have one emotional outburst like clockwork every month. And it comes relatively unannounced by cramps. But when it gets here, man do i feel crampy!

    And yes, you are me. I’m gonna have to either 1. get a weird girlfriend from a testicular cancer support group, 2. shoot myself in the head, or 3. find a really good therapist.

    and i like option 4, which is to take down all of the credit card companies in one swift, coordinated action.

    Yes, I’ll take option 4 unilaterally, thank you!

  412.  #412Starla on November 19, 2011 at 1:10 am

    CF invited himself along to my plans tonight to go to a Latin American museum where they have Spanish Happy Hour to practice speaking Spanish. He is multilingual and really excited to use it like me, so I didn’t have the heart to be possessive over my Friday night plans. I am glad I didn’t make a fuss. He was great. We were both very uncomfortable with how dang crowded it was and how everyone was getting really drunk, he far more than I. But he tried not to show it and was a gracious companion despite feeling uncomfortable. I like that he has stepped out of his comfort zone a few times just to be with me.

    Then he shed the evening of “my plans” and turned it into a date where he leads. He took me to dinner and we had a blast just cracking up, and then we drove to the mountains for star and city gazing.

    And good old fashioned making out like teenagers at the lookout point.

    I feel really good when I’m around him.

    A couple other guys asked me out last second for tonight, but obviously I had other plans. I asked them if they wanted me to let them know if my plans freed up for the weekend, and they both said yes.

    My plans being to focus on myself and relax, lol.

    But it’s good to know I have options!

  413.  #413Daria on November 19, 2011 at 2:08 am

    ‘yo voice make somebody fall in love its so soft and delicate’

    ‘its like the good manipulation’


  414.  #414Ice Princess on November 19, 2011 at 3:13 am

    Wow, ladies thanks for all of your feedback.

    @ Ella, you are right. I am not quite sure how to tell him I don’t like it without making him feel it himself as wrong as that sounds. What I want to say is, “I feel unimportant to you when I am not contacted for a day or days at a time. I am angry that I am always there for you but have to guess if you will even keep made plans.”. But I know that sounds blamey so I keep it to myself.

    @VW, thank you for showing me how you would deal with the feelings I am having. It so nice to see that we have similar feelings and thoughts….makes me feel like I am not am alien. 🙂

  415.  #415Butterfly Wings on November 19, 2011 at 3:21 am

    Ok well it looks like TH and I are OVER – again!

    I used my FM’s on him and he got angry and went on about why he won’t give me what I want etc and then I said “Ok well then maybe it would be better if we went our separate ways because nothing is going to get better if we keep going like we are”. And he said “Ok then”.

    He’s gone home and left half his clothes here though, so this saga is not totally over.

    I’m tempted to message him to remind him that he’s left his clothes here, but so far so good – I’ve been able to control myself!

    I’m watching DVDs on my laptop tonight to distract me too.

    I feel sad, my heart is aching, I feel scared about what my future might look like (because I’ve been imagining him in it for so long..) and I also feel a little empty.

    But despite all that, I am ok and I know I will get through this. A little part of me thinks he’ll be back and I’m in the process of working out what to say. I’m still not sure how to articulate that I don’t want to go back to how things were. I want a real relationship and not FWB and I will not accept anything else because I love myself and value myself enough to know that I am worthy of more.


  416.  #416Ice Princess on November 19, 2011 at 3:26 am

    Oh BW, I feel sad for you. It was good that you said how you really feel. Who knows maybe he will step up after thinking about it or maybe something better is waiting for you.

  417.  #417mali on November 19, 2011 at 4:08 am

    Woah… feeling triggered.

    A man messaged me on POF a few days ago asking if I’d like to get to know him, and I said it would be great.

    He replied to it, and I wasn’t able to get back to him, as I’ve been busy and have had so many messages it takes an age to reply to everyone! (once they’ve been through the screening stage ;))

    So he messaged again asking why I hadn’t replied, and didn’t I want to get to know him then?

    I messaged saying I didn’t feel good reading his message, and he’d asked about Facebook. SO I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable sharing facebook with people I didn’t know.

    He replied saying he didn’t “get” not sharing my facebook…

    UGH. Tone feels aggressive. RAWRR- me no like! 🙁

    I explained that I treat facebook as my own personal space to share my emotions and thoughts… Let’s see how he responds.

  418.  #418mali on November 19, 2011 at 4:18 am

    I feel really UNSAFE reading that man’s message. I want to RUN. I’m feeling scared!
    But no, I will express my feelings, and see if he steps up.
    If not, I know my feelings have so much value.
    And I don’t need someone to validate me or tell me how valuable my feelings are, I know they are.
    And I will love myself, continue to do so for all that I am.
    Yes I will.

  419.  #419LILI 41 on November 19, 2011 at 4:35 am


    Awww, Thank you VW. 😉

    I don’t know where pdx is. We would be a great outgoing duo 🙂

    It’s too late for him to step up. It was his last chance to step up. The step up that would have won me over was to use his last week of vacation of this year to take me on a romantic getaway for 3 or 4 days (coz that’s all the time I could take off work until March).
    I already told him how I felt about that last month in a really good FM. He chose to make this other woman happy by booking a trip w his friends and taking her along w her sisters.
    Especially since there’s a bad history w this woman wanting to take my spot.
    I’ve expressed very honestly how I feel about this invasive woman. There are other issues apart from her that I’ve also expressed very honestly.
    I’ve expressed my feeling lonely, taking crumbs, unloved, not cherished, 2nd rate.
    We’ve been having these same conversations over and over again for a whole year. He stepped up a little bit, but not enough.

    This is unacceptable to me! I would be belittling myself by giving him any chance.
    I do not feel good at all staying warm and open to him. I don’t feel safe to stay open to him.

    He has expressed wanting it to work every time we’ve had these conversations. His actions have not matched his words. He has done everything to turn me off. So his words don’t mean anything to me anymore.
    I can’t keep doing this to myself. This fake relationship has sucked the life out of me.

    However, I am happy to have practiced being connected to my feelings and expressing them in FMs last night.

    I’m also very appreciative that this relationship has triggered me into learning and healing so many things.

    I do deserve to honour my feelings and have a man that will honour them as much. I need to get my self respect back.

  420.  #420LILI 41 on November 19, 2011 at 4:38 am

    He even had the gaul to admit that this trip was booked 2 months in advance!

    He chose to make his lady neighbour happy before me! He hasn’t been planning anything with me for 1 year and a half! And he goes and plans w this married woman and her sisters 2 months ahead!

    That is way too outrageous to even consider staying with him!

  421.  #421LILI 41 on November 19, 2011 at 5:10 am



    “I want a real relationship and not FWB and I will not accept anything else because I love myself and value myself enough to know that I am worthy of more.”

    Good Siren!

    That is my new mantra. Have you read my posts?

  422.  #422Ice Princess on November 19, 2011 at 5:14 am

    He just friended my aunt on fb and I have still yet to hear from him. I guess I just don’t get men!

  423.  #423Butterfly Wings on November 19, 2011 at 5:36 am

    Lili, yep I’ve read your posts but was out last night and today was just “messy”.

    You sound angry now, and I think that’s a good thing! From personal experience, it feels MUCH better than sad or lonely! When you’re mad, you’re in a better position to change things for the better.

    You have every right to be mad, and I totally feel your pain over this woman going away with him while you’re stuck at home. Ouch! Could it be that he’s totally clueless??? Despite that, you do not deserve it. Nobody does. xxxxx

    Unfortunately the mad part of me is now feeling very sad and empty. I feel like a part of my heart is missing and even though I know everything will be ok, right now I just feel afraid of what my future holds.

    Unfortunately too, it’s extremely difficult if not impossible to cut TH completely out of my life. For starters a heap of his clothes are still here so he’s going to have to come and get them, and also we work together and thanks to a new project, I’ll be needing to work with him a bit. ARGH!

    Why is the Universe keeping him here???? Could it be that I have more to learn???

    When we had a fight earlier, I could tell he was feeling extremely frustrated. I could also tell that he just was not “getting” how I felt. Maybe I’m not expressing it properly, or maybe he too is just clueless. But like you Lili, I know I don’t deserve this either.

    I also wonder why he is still around, still pursuing me too. For sure he’ll be in contact in the next day or so and he’ll try to get things back to how they were. He seemed happy with that. I wasn’t…. 🙁

  424.  #424luzydel on November 19, 2011 at 5:42 am

    I am CDing MYself and Me again before I start Cding others. I was online at POF and OK cupid, but deep inside I do not feel it yet. I can recover after a break up and I know it is not the end of the world etc. But I need time to reflect and say good bye to 2011 and be thankful. This year I got exposed to more intimacy, I was able to hold to someone and create a feeling of a real relationship instead of just dating or having sporadic booty calls. Even if it did not end the way I wanted, it was better that past experiences. That mean that form now on things will be better and better, until I meet the man who does not want to run away. I feel sad, and I love my sadness; I feel hurt and I love my pain; I feel angry and I love my angry…I feel hopeful 🙂

  425.  #425LILI 41 on November 19, 2011 at 5:50 am


    Don’t let yourself down BW. Keep w what you want. You’re doing a great job of not backing down from your self respect.

    I can’t stop thinking of the lady shoes left in his room.
    To me, it doesn’t matter that nothing romantic happened with the other woman, what matters is she is invading a space that belongs to you.

    I don’t accept that D let’s a woman invade our space. That he doesn’t protect our relationship against these types of invasions is not acceptable to me. I choose to walk away from such behaviour.
    It makes me feel like a small unwanted tick, like a used carpet.

    He can’t even book an evening w me and he goes and books a vacation w her 2 months in advance!

    when you keep accepting crumbs, he just keeps doing worse bc he knows he can.
    If he hasn’t stepped up in a big enough way, and you keep being available to him, it’s like accepting his crumbs.

    D was stepping up in small ways these last couple of months. During that entire time, he has a booked trip w her. So these little step ups were just a cover for what was really going on. He never told me the truth.
    He even cancelled our vacation together at the end of the summer…and he turns around to make vacation plans w her over a month in advance!

    Even if they are just friends and nothing happened, I feel like MY space is geing given to her.
    Her wish to go on vacation w her sisters w men around to make them feel safe, was more important to him than being w me.
    Her hapiness and comfort was more important than mine.

    The NO 1 spot belongs to ME!!!

    Being tossed aside from that spot for an unavailable married woman feels awful! It makes me feel like unworthy sh*t!

    I faced my unworthy feeling the other day…and it led me to feeling detached to D and enjoying my alone time.

    Staying there w him and forgiving everything feels like I AM BEING unworthy. I recognize my feeling unworthy as a feeling. It belongs to me and I can do what I want with it. I CAN FEEL unworthy, but I don’t have to BE unworthy!


    BW & IP,

    I love you for just being here and sharing.
    It makes me feel safer and normal to dig into my stuff and bring it out to look at when I know you’ve been through the same.

  426.  #426Tiffany on November 19, 2011 at 5:59 am


    H was here last night. Or rather, it’s so early, and I’m so tired, that it still feels like night right now. But I am awake, and I need to write about this.

    I am actually ashamed to write this. A little bit. So I’m going to.

    I said that H contacted me the other day, randomly, out of the blue. He did. what I did not say, however, was that, in the course of the messaging, it came out that, not only had I had a dream about him the night before, but that he had had a dream about me. This seemed incredible, but I believed it, because he was so incredulous as well.

    So I said, what should we do???

    He said he didn’t know.

    I guess I pushed it. I thought it meant that we had to see each other. I guess he did, too – he wanted to “drop everything” and come and see me right then. But it couldn’t happen. At least not for me.

    I asked if he could see me Friday. He said, and I am literally quoting his text, “Whatever you want.” I said, okay, what about 6 or 6:30. And then I believe his next text was something along the lines of, “Not sure, I’ll have to get back to you.”

    I didn’t realize until later how raunchy that was, and how awful it made me feel. In one moment, he was offering me to say what I want, as if he would fulfill it. And then when I did, he sidestepped it. Later, he told me he didn’t realize it was Friday. So he said there was a “good chance.” We could meet up.

    I still couldn’t understand what happened to “dropping everything” to see me.

    On Friday, he said hi again. And then he told me that he had a friend’s dinner to go to, and that he “couldn’t get out of it.” I said, “what do you mean you can’t get out of it.” He said he “promised” a long time ago.

    I don’t know. This guy is weird. I don’t get him.

    All I know is that I feel frustrated, toxic, and absolutely awful when he leaves.

    [continuing to a second post]

  427.  #427Tiffany on November 19, 2011 at 6:13 am

    The other part of the story is that, despite this weird maneuvering, his demands I didn’t like, and his lack of ability to commit to a time, or any substantial plan for Friday, I YET made time in my schedule for him.

    The only reason that I made time for him?

    It was the dream.

    That is literally the only reason. And right now I’m willing to wager that it is/was not a very good reason.

    See, in my dream, we saw each other. We had a nice conversation, and everything was pleasant. He forgave me for what I did/said two months ago. And I felt better. That was my dream.

    He didn’t tell me his dream, so I imagine that it was something sexual. But whatever it was, it was powerful enough to make him want to call me again.

    He didn’t even have my number. He had to call his phone company to get it.

    So he came to my house. He looked good. Better than I remembered. Though it’s possible that he didn’t even dress for me. Nevertheless, I was dressed as well. I had wanted to go out to a friend’s house that was making dinner and having a little party, of sorts. Lots of my friends were going to be there. It was kind of a big deal. I had let him know that I might not make it. But still. I was hungry. H had eaten dinner at his friend’s place, but I had not had anything except the wine I was drinking.

    And this is when things got really weird.

    It started when I asked him what he wanted to talk about and “clear up.” (which he had said earlier, when I mentioned the friend’s party). He replied that he was here “to listen,” and what did I want to talk about?

    I didn’t have anything that I wanted to talk about. I mentioned the incident from before, and he said he didn’t want to talk about that. HOW CAN HE CLEAR THINGS UP IF HE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?? He said he had “forgotten.” But how could he have forgotten – he didn’t forget, because he had told me yesterday that he was afraid to see me.

    So, I see this man’s linguistic maneuverings, for lack of a better word. He asks me random, diversionary questions in the middle of me making a point, and then he gets angry when I feel like I don’t want to answer them in the moment, because they are distracting. He made the effort to contact me. And yet he made no effort to see me. In the end, it was still me, making requests. He never made me a priority. And when I said that I wanted something, he denied me.


  428.  #428luzydel on November 19, 2011 at 6:27 am

    In order to let go, we have to accept that it is over.
    We have to accept that they do not want to see us; that they (men) are not into us enough to work things out and become better men. That does not define our worthiness, a man’s opinion is just a man’s opinion never a fact about who we are and our value as women and human beings.

    When wee feel the rush to reach out, we have to do what people in drug rehab do, we have to move ourselves away from anything that will get us the drug. Places, common friends, etc. When we become strong enough to perhaps confront our emotions with their presence.

  429.  #429Lilybelly on November 19, 2011 at 6:43 am



    Sweet girl.. I am catching up on what transpired last night after I tucked myself into bed.

    I want you to know that from the way I read your interactions with him, that it felt very soft and open and filled with an enourmous amount of grace. And, I feel such a tug of love toward you. I feel proud of you for takng such good care of yourself in this situation.

    If you were in mpls/st paul, you could come and hang out with me. We’d go out and have a great time.

    Continue to be soft, open and graceful in all your interactions and notice how that feels.


  430.  #430Lilybelly on November 19, 2011 at 6:47 am

    Lili~ I am also curious about how you are feeling now that you have “let go?”

    I am feeling for you aside from sadness, a rush of relief.

    And please remember, that your self-esteem isn’t gone. You honored yourself so completely here.

  431.  #431Tiffany on November 19, 2011 at 6:50 am

    The problem, with me and this man, is that, for reasons unknown to me, he turns me on to an incredible degree.

    I don’t know what it is, but my body has never responded to anyone this way before. All I have to do is think about him, and it’s like every cell in my body is jumping up and down, getting excited and happy in anticipation of something good. And when he is touching me it is the same, only more.

    I told him this (I didn’t describe it exactly, just that my body responds so strongly to him), and he said it is the same for him. He said I know how to “push his buttons.”

    I wanted him to kiss me, and he wouldn’t. I guess it was logical. He knew that if he kissed me, he was ” a goner” and we’d be having sex, and he didn’t want that. Well, no, that’s not true. He said that he was “dying” to kiss me. He wanted me so much. And I believe him. But if I so much as touched the back of his head, his whole body would shudder.

    I asked him how often he wanted to see me. He looked in my eyes, and said, “every day.”

    Not every day, as in he wanted to have a date every day for the next week. He wanted every day, as in, he wants to wake up to me every day for however long. And He confirmed this. So I just looked at him. When he held me, I practiced melting, instead of speaking.

    The problem came when he said he needed to leave. Something in me resisted. My two-year-old self got activated, and suddenly I was saying no. Of course, I was sitting on the couch, there was nothing I could do to keep him from leaving. But it got worse.

    And in the process, I became aware that I was having an abandonment issue. I even tried explaining to him what was happening for me. But he didn’t get it.

    He kept asking me to let him leave. And the more he wanted to leave, the more I wanted him to stay. It got ridiculous. Finally, he told me again why he didn’t want to sleep with me this night – because he wanted more than just sex. I can respect that, I guess. But my BODY feels DENIED. I feel like I haven’t gotten what I wanted, and my needs haven’t been met.

    In truth, I wasn’t meeting my OWN needs. I needed to go off to my own little party with my friends. I needed to eat delicious food, and see people I loved. I didn’t need to wait around for some guy who couldn’t even rearrange his dinner plans on a Friday night to see me. I don’t get it. I honestly don’t.

    But I wonder if I need to be able to do more “receiving.” I wonder if I needed to just let him go when he said, and not make a big deal out of it.

    When he wanted to go, I said a weird thing – I said that if he walked out my door, then he was never coming back. That was the fear talking. By then, he as saying that he didn’t want anything with me. But Id didn’t believe him.

    And the weird thing is, I don’t even believe any of it right now. I don’t believe he is really gone. Even though, when I asked for one small kiss, as he was going, he denied me once again. He kissed me on the bridge of my nose, but not on the lips, like i wanted.

    I felt so patronized.

    I was so mad, I slammed the door. I haven’t done that in ages. I slammed it, and I locked it loudly.

    If he is playing games now, then how would it be any different, if we were really together? If he is denying me sex right now, then how much is he going to deny me when we are together? I don’t want this. I don’t want his playing games, and I don’t want my desires to be exploited. I want them to be fulfilled.

    When he had gone, I felt so angry. My entire body felt full of toxicity. But I can’t be entirely sure if it came from me or from him. I was angry, so it must have been coming from me. But it felt like it had come from him. Normally, I no not feel this bad when someone just walks away. I was feeling so abandoned, so afraid.

    But after he was gone, it got better. I just lay down with my cat, and let my body shake until it was done.

    Oddly enough, I don’t feel abandoned. Even with everything that happened, I still feel that he will be back. I don’t know why I feel this, but I do. If he came back this time, then he will come back again. There is something with him that I need to heal. A really big, gaping wound. A wound that I am probably not aware of, but it’s staring me in the face.

    Meanwhile, you do not need to worry about me, Sirens.

    This woman has not one, but two lovely dates today. And there is a third guy, coming up from LA, who invited me to spend time with him as well, and I had to tell him that I already had plans.

    So, Mrs. Siren is not all hung on one man, here. I just don’t fully understand my feelings with H. Is he totally toxic for me? Or is he a man who loves me, or who could love me, and I need to find a way to let him do that, in his own way, so that I can receive all the love and blessings that I truly, truly desire?

    I don’t know. I feel confused. But luckily, at home, alone, I feel peace.

  432.  #432Femininewoman on November 19, 2011 at 7:22 am

    BW I don’t feel sad I feel happy and excited for you. You need the distance to really go down into the soup of your feelings and really face yourself. I think Rori’s Reconnect your Relationship is really great regarding your worth and loving yourself. If you have it I would start reviewing it and listening to it again.

  433.  #433Butterfly Wings on November 19, 2011 at 7:32 am

    FW, I don’t have that program. Only targeting Mr Right, Modern Siren and commitment blueprint. And yeah I think I’m still in need of some extra help, especially because I’m not ever going to be able to cut him completely out of my life.

    I’ve received a message already from him tonight – his way of reaching out. I told him I feel sad. Not much else has been said and I’m about to go to sleep anyway. That will give me time to think about what I want to say to him so he’ll finally “get” it. Gotta get those boundaries clear and then I’ve got to stick to them!

  434.  #434Butterfly Wings on November 19, 2011 at 7:33 am

    Lili, I wanted to thank you too, because I’m learning a lot from your posts too. You and I will come out of this much stronger, smarter and happier – I just know it!


  435.  #435Ice Princess on November 19, 2011 at 8:07 am

    Am I just a big push over? LP just called and explained everything that happened and that he did yesterday which consisted of him dealing with his kids and exwife and drinking with his brother at a local pub. I am not angry anymore and now think it was a good thing that he went with his brother and guy friends. I let everything go that I was feeling last night and feel confident again in our relationship.

  436.  #436LILI 41 on November 19, 2011 at 8:10 am

    He will be calling me today and I am so tempted to get into HIS stuff w him and telling him off on what I see.
    It’s so hard to keep myself out of his business.
    It would really hurt him if I pointed out to him what I really see and how I really feel about what I see.
    It is so tempting right now to hurt him that way.

    I will share it here with my trustworthy Sirens for my own therapy. But Please Help Me stay away from sharing this w him, bc I believe I’ve said enough to put him on the track he needs to be on:

    When he told me last night that he had planned this trip w her 2 months in advance. I didn’t go nuts and I kept my cool, but what is going through my head this morning right now, feels awful and ugly.
    But it’s really helping me recognize deep rooted patterns in me. I can now see the huge impact of my own issues w myself. I am digging up and taking out all those awful and ugly things that I have kept burried deep in myself.

    This woman played the matchmaker role between me and D 3 years ago.
    I held off for 9 months and all the while she felt compelled to work hard to get D and me together.
    He would confide to this woman about how he was crazy about me. She truly thought that D and me were perfect for each other. She helped him by creating opportunities for us to spend some time around each other.
    This was happening over the course of 9 months.
    I dated 2 other men during this time and so did D. He dated the same type of woman that the men I dated. We both had the same history and we both attracted the same type of people in our lives.
    When I finally decided to give D a chance, he was so deliriously happy and excited to be w me. I was so closed off and frozen from the start. I was frozen with fear, cold and distant.
    After 4 months of that, he felt so rejected. I invited her to our Xmas party. She showed up in a trashy dress she admitted to have bought at the s*x shop. I was shocked that she would show up at her neighbour’s party looking like that, with D’s family there.
    I was even more shocked that she clung body to body with D while talking real close and softly in his ear for a whole hour w her husband standing right there next to them. I went up to them to talk to them and they completely ignored me and D even turned sideways to me and brushed me off like I was bothering him.
    I brought my bf to the bedroom to talk to her about it. I was so upset.
    My bf told me: “This is what your coldness and distance is costing you. You have to stop being afraid and decide once and for all if you’re going to dive into this relationship w this man, or risk losing him to another woman. You’re proving to yourself that you had reason to be afraid, and hurting yourself by denying yourself what you want in life.”

    I swept this whole situation under the rug. I started to be in “competition” mode w this woman.

    I believe she did what she did at that Xmas party bc she felt very envious of the attention I was getting from D. She saw how he looked at me like I was the most precious gift he ever had. From then on, she kept acting that way constantly at every opportunity.
    D felt rejected by me, it looks like he seeked refuge in a woman that was the total opposite from me: Very open, inviting, warm, affectionate, sensual.
    I started being very jealous bc I didn’t feel I had any of those things.
    They were all burried under my past hurts. I tried to be those things to compete. It didn’t work, it was all perceived as “fake”, he didn’t trust that to be the real me.
    If I would have known Rori’s tools and programs, I would have known how to dig up those past hurts to uncover those good loving vibes burried deep down inside me. W Rori’s tools, I would have known how to connect to those for real.

    He seeked refuge w this warm woman. Refuge from his feeling rejected by me.
    My “fake” attempts only made him mistrust me, and he would seek refuge even more to this woman. She knew how to make him feel safe and validated, and I didn’t.

    Eventhough she claimed to be happily married, she felt envious towards me and did everything to push me aside and litteraly stand in my shoes.

    Through Rori’s programs and this blog, I have worked through all that stuff, my own part of it. That ugly and awful swamp in me that I had kept burried away all these years, I unearthed it and dealt w it.

    I shared this evolution w him, but he hasn’t kept up with my growth. He is still stuck focused on making an unavailable woman happy by booking a trip with her 2 months in advance instead of me, who is available just for him.

    He is using her to distract and deviate himself from a scary true intimate connected relationship he could be having w me. He is avoiding true intimacy and a real relationship to sooth his fear of it.

    She will never leave her husband. She claims that he is her best friend and she said that he is the one that she wants to spend the rest of her life with.
    D has heard this speach of hers.
    She flirts that way with all men, not just D.

    Until he does the work that I did to deal with that deep rooted fear of real intimacy and true connection, he will never measure up.

    If I get into his stuff by pointing it all out to him, I will ruin any chance that he has to do the work on his own. I would be taking away his pride. It would leave him feeling incompetent and bad.

    Until he recognizes that his attachment to her is all about refuge from the fear of real intimacy and connection, he does not stand a chance at living the true intimate and connected relationship he wants.
    I told him how I saw a real relationship. He said he wanted the same for himself.

    I have seen him as my miror. He is mirroring my deep rooted fear of real intimacy and connection.
    His history w relationships mirors mine to a T. It is no coincidence that we met and have been staying together through these past 2 years.
    What brought us together is the fact that we both went through the same experience at the same time with our last relationships. We both thought that we were the best people to understand and trust each other. But the fact is that we both have the same deep rooted fear that we trigger in each other.

    We either learn and heal that together, or I have to move on. I’ve done the work on myself that I needed to do, but I can’t do the same for him. He has to do it for himself.

    If he can’t go up the happiness ladder with me, I will have to move on and leave him behind.
    I refuse to stay stuck at his level.

  437.  #437Mel on November 19, 2011 at 8:23 am

    I feel REALLY lonely today. Not sure why…

    Of course on a day that I’m feeling especially needy, I haven’t heard from Architect (usually he texts me every morning) so now I feel more needy. It’s MY stuff… I know. He’s likely just busy doing his own thing and hasn’t had the time. I highly doubt that it’s because he doesn’t WANT to contact me. But when I’m feeling needy and lonely, my NVs whisper and I really don’t want to listen. Why can’t I just believe that everything will be okay. Why do I have to revert to feelings of abandonment and rejection? How can i heal this?

    I found out about a cool concert this afternoon (one of my favourite artists) and absolutely no one is available to come with me. I bought myself a ticket anyway… but I feel sad about going by myself.

    And all I really want right now is a text from him saying “Hey sweetie, how are you? Thinking of you! xoxo” Why would that make me feel better? I guess I want to be thought of. I don’t want to feel forgotten. I want to feel connected. I want to matter to someone. Contact is really important to me.

    So I’m going to get dressed up nicely and go to the concert by myself… but my heart feels lonely. I want to cry. Maybe I’m a bit hormonal or something. I just woke up with this incredible feeling of being all alone. Yuck.

  438.  #438luzydel on November 19, 2011 at 8:25 am

    I fell happy to have found this blog a year ago…instead of turning cynical about love, I feel hopeful.

  439.  #439LILI 41 on November 19, 2011 at 8:25 am

    My attachment to an emotionally unavailable man is feeding the fear and keeping me stuck and away from what I truly want: Real lasting intimacy, connection and comittment.
    His attachment to an unavailable woman is feeding his feer and keeping him stuck and away from what he truly wants…He wants what she has w her husband which is lasting connection and comittment.

    Her husband is her main gig, D is just a cd to her. Just like D and me are feeding our fear of intimacy, she is feeding her unsatisfaction of herself through her envy of me.

    If I would tell all this to D, I would sound like a crazy paranoid freek to him.

  440.  #440luzydel on November 19, 2011 at 8:37 am

    439: LILI 41

    I have been reading your posts and I am not trying to be judgmental, but what if you can learn something form this woman? What is it that even when she is married and unavailable he still goes after her…

    Maybe he is toxic and feel drawn to these type of women, or perhaps you are becoming to available to him… or both. either way she is not the problem, it is him.

  441.  #441LILI 41 on November 19, 2011 at 8:45 am



    You are so awesome for writing this 1 sentence:

    “I am actually ashamed to write this. A little bit. So I’m going to.”

    What power to be so courageous!!!

    I often feel ashamed too for posting some of my stuff. I’m bringing out that little girl in me who was brought up to feel ashamed of just “being”.
    I’m bringing her out to take care of her as she should have been taken care of.

    This is a safe place to be bringing out that little ashamed girl.

  442.  #442LILI 41 on November 19, 2011 at 8:51 am



    The answers to your questions are all in my posts.

    She has the warmth and openness that I want to have. I don’t have bc they’re covered by my fear of intimacy. I envy her for having what I want for myself.
    D is attached to her to hide from his fear of intimacy. As long as he stays attached to an unavailable woman, he doesn’t have to deal with that ugly fear.
    As long as I stay attached to an emotionally unavailable man, I don’t have to deal w my ugly fear of intimacy.

  443.  #443Ice Princess on November 19, 2011 at 8:54 am

    I need to let my boy take care of me instead of letting my little girl run out into traffic. He just hurt me by asking that I not tag him/his kids in fb pictures. He had a good reason and I would believe it if he didn’t have others tagging him. I am supposed to meet him today but I don’t really want now. I texted him ” I don’t feel good about what you just said to me. I don’t understand why it is okay for xxx and xxx to tag you and our kids but not okay for me. Perhaps you are ashamed of me.”. I know it is not very feeling message-y but I had to say something.

  444.  #444LILI 41 on November 19, 2011 at 8:54 am

    They are both in my life to trigger and show me those ugly buried parts of myself that I’ve been avoiding dealing w.
    As long as I don’t deal w those ugly burried feelings, I don’t stand a chance to lasting intimacy and connection in a comitted relationship.

  445.  #445LILI 41 on November 19, 2011 at 9:08 am

    I was stuck on a concept in the Toxic Men program. The concept is the following:

    We attract men and stay hung up on men that have something that we feel we are lacking.
    I couldn’t find what that was in D.
    But going back to when we 1st laid eyes on each other, I found it.
    He gave off a vibe of softness and warmth.
    I’ve always wanted to give off that vibe. But I rather give off a vibe of harshness.

  446.  #446LILI 41 on November 19, 2011 at 9:21 am

    I felt bad and ashamed yesterday about having shared my shock of D’s vacation w 2 coworkers.
    I felt bad and ashamed bc these are 2 people that judge others harshly.
    I couldn’t understand why I was so compelled to share a story that made me feel ashamed and humiliated, with 2 harsh people.
    Doesn’t make sense. Like I want to be beaten on the head or something.
    I’m unconsciously triggering the harsh judgement feeling on purpuse.

    That harsh judgement I see in them…is in myself.
    I see it when I judge D harshly and beat him on the head for doing things that don’t make sense to me.
    I see it when I judge myself harshly when calling myself stupid for doing these types of things that don’t make sense…like going and sharing w people that will hurt me w their harsh judgements.

  447.  #447LILI 41 on November 19, 2011 at 9:31 am


    “What power to be so courageous!!!”

    I wrote that sentence to and for Tiffany.
    But when I read it over again, it rings a bell in me.

    As long as I stay hooked on an emotionally UNAVAILABLE man, I don’t get to face my fear of intimacy head on.
    How powerful would it be if I was courageous to be open to an emotionally AVAILABLE man?

  448.  #448Ella on November 19, 2011 at 9:36 am

    Oh I am feeling so ANGRY right now.

    CD1 text me this morning, after his missed call to my phone the other day.

    He said “Are you ok? You’ve gone silent. Not even a text. X’

    I replied ‘Hey hon. No I am feeling very disconnected. And a bit conflicted because of the situation with your father and anyway I assumed you would contact me if you needed anything around that’

    Last time he text me that he hadn’t been in touch cus his father was in hospital… although him not being in touch is the norm, not the exception.

    He sent me back just a ‘X’.

    Well I sat with my feelings for a bit and realised that I do not feel disconnected. In fact I feel angry, and confused and off kilter around this whole situation… with the hot and cold, coming and going, intense and then poofing…

    And each time he is gone I get to a point where I think ‘ah ok he is not coming back this time’, and I feel sad, it hurts, etc… and then I get over it and feel fine, and happy even. And then he comes back again, with the same situation.

    I am more than ready to let him go and yet I have not got to a stage where I will ignore a direct question from him yet… cus I still have feelings of attraction, mixed in with annoyance, turned off and loads of other stuff.

  449.  #449VW on November 19, 2011 at 9:39 am

    Thank you Rori…i feel encouraged…and a bit embarrassed for my judgements…and unkind words…i want to love that part of me though…i don’t want to push it away – my alter ego coming out in the form of various shadows; she does not show up as much as she used to…her strikes are not as “deadly” like it used to be…

    thank u again Rori! lots of love to you!

  450.  #450Ella on November 19, 2011 at 9:45 am

    So anyway I decided to just be authentic and express how I am really feeling so I replied to him and said

    ‘And I am feeling angry. Because I am feeling off balance with this whole situation… I am not sure if I am supposed to be treating you as a business associate, and I did not really feel like that. And then when you are gone for long periods of time that just feels bad. Oh and I feel conflicted beacuse you have also been quite nice and helpful to me. So I’ve just been keeping my distance from something that feels confusing to me’.

    And now reading it back it feels very long… however I wanted to express my real feelings.

    He hasn’t replied, which I expected, and yet somehow I still feel like a fool.

    I don’t know I just feel hella angry, like why does he keep texting me and contacting me???

    And then he asks me what’s up, and I tell him how I feel and it drops like a lead balloon.

    He totally ignores it.

    I see that there is no relationship here and yet he keeps contacting and acting like there is…

    What is going on here and how do I deal with this?

    Shall I ask him to stop contacting me as it just makes me feel upset?

    Or I could try responding with something less intense and the trouble is that would simply not be authentic cus my feelings around this are intense…

    I mean suppose I responded with ‘Oh I am fine how are you?’ well that wouldn’t be authentic cus I am feeling angry.

    And confused.


    Angry and confused Siren.

  451.  #451Ella on November 19, 2011 at 9:50 am

    Oh and I forgot to mention that SSU CD is still stepping up, and he called me today after my training, and I was speaking to him on the phone but I was still feel hella p8ssed about situation with CD1 and I started feeling really impatient with SSU CD, and wanting to be mean, and judging him for being so nice to me.

    And I was distracted and not listening to him and I was using other stuff around me and talking about that instead to avoid connecting.

    And then I felt like ‘oh f8ck, who am I kidding? I can’t do a real relationship. I can’t deal with a man who is so nice to me. There must be something wrong with him. Or something wrong with me! I can’t do this. I don’t find him attractive! I can’t pretend…

    And then feeling panicky, like oh hell, I can’t sleep with him… I want CD1 instead.

    And I do like SSU CD, and I just feel weird and sad now… like suddenly its not enough or its too much or something… or I can’t do it.

    And I just feel confused.


  452.  #452VW on November 19, 2011 at 10:00 am

    Lili 41 #436:

    wow…i did a similar analysis with someone I dated recently…:(

    i wrote it down….got ready to send it to him even…but, then I no longer felt inclined to send it…

    warm hugs,

  453.  #453LILI 41 on November 19, 2011 at 10:02 am


    Angry Ella,

    I recognize what you’re going through from being through those confused feelings myself.
    Your own behaviour is not making sense to you.

    I wrote in one of my posts: “Doesn’t make sense. Like I want to be beaten on the head or something.”

    The wall we are banging our heads against is called FEAR of intimacy.
    As long as we stay hooked to an emotionally unavailable man, we don’t get to gather our courage to face that wall of fear and knock it down.

    We hide behind that wall of fear to avoid what’s even scarier: True intimacy and true connection.

  454.  #454Lizka on November 19, 2011 at 10:03 am

    I love this blog. I want to read all the post. And write here the beautiful day I had yeste and the things I am worrying about. But I feel so tired and I have to take a nap. I juste want to wish you all a fantastic day!


  455.  #455lk on November 19, 2011 at 10:08 am

    Ok, wow, I’m really interested in my attraction to CDcd – this is the first new guy in quite a few months to get me a little fluttery in the stomach area….. that feels nice! I feel excited! Also, I rarely feel the urge to call new dating men, but actually I was tempted last night on my way home to tell him about the rest of my day in the mountains : ) that’s nice to feel like sharing! But of course i didn’t call.

    His lips are pretty! I think about rubbing his head sometimes, LOL, but it scares me to imagine him in bed with me & closing his eyes & being too intense because I don’t feel close to him like that yet… I remember having the same fears about exCD but I ended up loving having sxx with him! So that’s good & all fine & no worries, no stress : )

    I still feel so great & happy that he never tried to kiss me, just was very sweet, touched my back 1x to keep me from wandering into traffic LOL, told me my “dress” was pretty (I love it when men get so confused – I was wearing a skirt), opened doors & car doors for me, & wanted to buy music for me : ))) & the goodbye hug was really warm I felt like having my face near his face : ) yum

  456.  #456lk on November 19, 2011 at 10:11 am

    @Ella 322

    Thanks! YES!

  457.  #457lk on November 19, 2011 at 10:11 am

    @April Rose 340

    Wow, thanks for that too : )

  458.  #458Mel on November 19, 2011 at 10:11 am

    I feel so unsure of my life and myself. Like I don’t have a clue what’s going to happen next. Like I’m on the verge of something, but I don’t know what it is. And i feel all alone in my uncertainty. I feel like I have no control today. But I am feeling a resistance to surrender.

    Why am I feeling so “off” today?

  459.  #459Starla on November 19, 2011 at 10:13 am

    Who is it here that is having a hard time when they didn’t hear from their guy yesterday? was it Ice Princess?

    I learned something recently that has helped me so much, and I want to share it because I know it can help you too.

    Let me start by saying that expecting a man to call every day is over the top. Imagine how you feel when your mother guilt trips you for not calling you every day. It feels a bit ridiculous, right? That’s just an example… I can’t quite relate because I don’t have a relationship with my mom, but it’s the best analogy I can think of.

    Anyway, wanting to hear from him more is NOT ridiculous. And telling him as much…NOT ridiculous! It’s just important that we don’t say things like “When I don’t hear from you,” etc. Because it does put blame on them as far as they’re concerned.

    I really recommend a MUCH more positive approach by saying things like “I feel so good with you that just the sound of your voice makes me feel happy and content. It would feel so good to hear it more, even if we can’t see each other’s beautiful faces. What do you think?”

    I didn’t approach this as positively and I found that my guy felt taken for granted and confused why I would be upset that he isn’t calling me every day. As a man, he just wrote it off as crazy female stuff that girls do, and he is in more contact now, but I wish I had taken the positive approach.

    Sometimes it is easier for us to say things from a protective/defensive/blaming place than to just vulnerably admit we are ooeygooeysoft for them and hearing their voice.

  460.  #460lk on November 19, 2011 at 10:14 am

    @Mali 418

    I really feel strongly that if you feel scared or like running – you should RUN – & like as fast as you can. Not joking at all. not even smiling. I feel scared too…. not of the man you are describing, but a little of you being scared to feel scared.

  461.  #461VW on November 19, 2011 at 10:16 am

    i feel indeed soooo powerful these days…like scared powerful of myself…:( sigh…and yet, i cannot be the teacher/mother in a context with a man i want to create something romantic with…:(

    and the issue i have now…(okay, it is a limiting belief…and a reminder to myself – i need to do some EFT on…) “there is no man that can measure me”…arghh…gosh, that feels bad saying…:( wow…i am better than all the men…wow…i instantly feel soo terrified and lonely…and tearful…

    i want to shift this…i want to heal it…to get myself out of the “hole” i placed myself on a pedestal…and it has helped me tremendously…

    i wonder if now – feeling as i do – i could look at a man as being at my level…hmm…wow…as i type this…gosh, i feel competitive…just imagining a man as my equal…i want to be above him…gosh…hmm…i need to work on some tapping pronto…

    when i was practicing openness going out alone in my favorite lounge…i noticed men often competing to get my attention…it felt good…i worked awesomely with judgments (nvs) about what they were thinking of me (being there for an easy hookup,etc)…

    their eyes would stay big…i know it is often sexual arousal…they will do the dance to “win” me…i felt amused…intrigued…yes, it felt like a game…only that i was the chooser…and the one with the least “handicap” in approaching me usually won my attention and we would chat…and do the enchantment…i would get dates pronto…always…but, i noticed i was not really interested in dates…i just wanted to feel good in the moment…practice my powers and then go home at my liking…alone…

    i keep being told “men are intimidated by you…”…sometimes when i am asked what do i do – i let them guess…and i am told i am an executive of a fashion company…wow…that is a dream of mine…:)

    hmm…why am i blurring out these thoughts? i want to heal them…i want to figure out what part of me is still keeping me from “believing” i can attract the most amazing man ever…and that i would be completely in love with him as he would be with me…i want my fricking “fairy tale” darn it!!!

  462.  #462lk on November 19, 2011 at 10:17 am

    @Mel 458

    I get that sometimes – the “on the edge of something” feeling – & it’s very tense & leaning forward….

    It feels better for me to say, oh, no sweet baby lk. you are not about to do something or experience something, you are right in the middle of it! right there in the thick of it! how is it? how does it feel? oh, good, & now? & now? how is it changing? WOW that’s amazing! i love to feel this moment & this life & yes I’m curious to see what will happen next & what is happening now? wow, yes, that is interesting…

  463.  #463Mel on November 19, 2011 at 10:17 am

    I feel like a needy energy sucking vortex today. I’ve talked on the phone with my family and a friend, but even that’s not enough. I still feel so incredibly lonely. So maybe it’s a good thing I haven’t heard from Architect today… because I’m in a needy not-so-good energy place right now and it would be draining for him, I’m sure. What am I not giving myself that I’m trying so desperately get from others? Why am I so attention-starved today? Errrrr….. I’m a messy soup of feelings….. 🙁

  464.  #464Ella on November 19, 2011 at 10:18 am

    Lilli re 453,

    Yes. That feels about right, That seems true.

    And I suppose CD1 has his own fear of intimacy,

    Its just I am not able/willing to communicate on a shallow, inuthentic level anymore.

    So where am I? Somewhere in limbo… in no man’s land between inauthenticity and small talk and real connection.

    I don’t know maybe I should just mirror CD1’s level of interest and input… and then concentrate on SSU Cd…. its just I was still feeling so triggered by CD1, and I was feeling really cross.

    I was open and shared that and he dropped it, once again.

    Maybe I should just mirror what he does in terms of my responses to him… and just say No when he finally asks to meet again, once he had me back in a holding pattern of comfortable shallowness….

    And that just feels pointless to me.

    But maybe I am still trying to control.


    Maybe it is just meant to be occasional texts.

    Ok, fine, and tbh I don’t want that… I am not interested.

    I have enough friends!