Holidays and Love

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treeheartHere’s my favorite Holiday post….and happy everything to you…

Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, many more traditions both religious and secular – all together, all at once the mere thought of it fills me with feelings of dread.

Is it because I remember that winter in New York and how depressed that year was? Is it because there`s so much family at the holidays – and I feel not only obligated and exhausted, but adolescent again around so much of my history?

My family history is wonderful. I`m one of the very lucky ones. A not so dysfunctional home – perhaps not passion, but at least humor, affection and lots of support and attention for my brother and me. Perhaps it just feels as if all the pain of the world comes into relief around the ever present pictures of joy at this time of year. I know it`s not about me at all.

It`s not personal. Do we all just notice, suddenly, all at the same time, that we`re all in this together? We go to church, go to synagogue, light candles, wrap presents, shop in the same stores, rush around in the dark after work. It feels so unreal. Like going through the motions without any real heart.

And then all at once it hits me. It`s transition time. Something has ended. Something has started. Even more than at birthday time, I`m older. My daughter moves toward her own life. My husband feels time – there are days to Christmas and days to New Year`s. We`ve done this before. Over and over. The ritual of transition.

To those of you who are waiting on the edge of a new relationship showing up or hoping the one you`ve started will turn concrete or hoping the one you’ve been long committed to will take flight into bliss – believe it will. Regardless of how unsettling the holidays can be for so many reasons unique to each of us – there`s magic in the air. Things can happen. We are all teetering at a transition, looking for meaning to drop into our lives. Allow it to tip in. It will.

Part of what is so challenging about the end of the year is that we all feel pressed to do so much. Presents, parties, family, gather that man under your wing before the year ends, tension, anger, old resentments. Instead, try something different. Instead of trying to swim through this, sink into it. Believe the wave of emotion and giddiness and pressure and pain and feeling like a child again will hold you up.

You will not be dropped on your head. You will float across the sea of possibilities into the next part of your life a bit more transparent. A bit wiser, a bit more vulnerable, feeling fragile but relying on the steel within you to let the world see what a beautiful, delicate, intricate, complex and yet totally whole woman you are.

Even when I can`t see it, can`t feel it, can`t trust it, I believe. Sometimes I`m propelled into action to help someone else – and then I feel more human and less fragile. I feel of use. But sometimes I just make myself lie down on the floor and look up at the ceiling. Instead of a solid plaster barrier above my head – if I look really hard – I can see a window, a passage, a worm-hole, time-warp, incomprehensible path to what I can`t see.

And it`s not just my future, it`s my possibilities. I look up into something I can`t see and let myself sink into myself. I thank the floor for holding me up, and then I just fly into whatever there is out there. I believe it`s bliss. I believe that my future and my daughter`s future, and my husband`s future, and the futures of all my dear friends and family and clients, and even the futures of people I can never feel close to or even good when I`m around them, are full of possibilities. Things I could never even imagine.

It`ll take the living of it, moment by moment, transition by transition, feeling by feeling, experience by experience, with the highest hopes I can muster, to discover what they are.

Wishing you bliss, joy, experience, love, faith, hope, adventure, and a glimpse of the beauty of your own soul in a random moment shared with all of us in the place we can`t see that`s full of possibilities…

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Chaudemaman on December 25, 2009 at 10:52 am

    Thank you Rori for this post. It has been a strange Christmas for me. First one without my little boy (with his dad).
    Just a reminder from the ?Universe that really and truly life is still wonderful.
    Merry Christmas everyone on Siren Island!
    chaude, xoxoxo

  2.  #2Lisa on December 25, 2009 at 11:23 am

    A beautiful post, Rori. It speaks the truth — we are all in it together; there is magic in the air.

    When you speak of the sky above the concrete ceiling, I am reminded of a dream:

    I am stuck in traffic, the artery I am on is not moving, and it it is feeding into another line of traffic which is stopped. All of a sudden, I look up, and I am levitating. I am a bird, and flying above the cars! I have my own bird-road, which has no traffic jams, and I am now moving at a good pace.

    I realize that all of the other cars actually look like Concorde’s from my vantage point: they can all fly. They are all birds, it’s just that they don’t yet know it.

    Merry Christmas, one and all.


  3.  #3Lisa on December 25, 2009 at 1:29 pm

    Sounds like an interesting film – has anyone seen it?

    All Is Forgiven (2006):

    “Enter a parallel universe where feminine desires hold sway. Instead of watching sex shows, as men do in our present day reality, women seek out the experience of watching men opening their hearts and singing laments of bygone times (!!!)

    In this world, balladeers Tex, Don and Charlie work in a dark, down-on-your-luck Song Shop selling their lovelorn songs to female voyeurs. A mysterious young woman appears in the realm, and her past slowly unravels as she listens to Tex singing Whenever It Snows.”

  4.  #4mary on December 25, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    I BELIEVE !!!

    Merry Christmas everyone.

  5.  #5Robin on December 25, 2009 at 5:57 pm

    MERRY CHRISTMAS SIRENS & DIVAS!!!!!!!!Very nice post! A great reminder that this is a JOURNEY we are on and that there is no set timetable for living a happy life.

    We always seem to take stock of what has happened, what we’ve accomplished, where we are in terms of our relationship with men, and then the nasty voice shows up (sometimes as only a feeling of that tension and anxiety) and tells us all the things we DIDNT accomplish or that HAVENT HAPPENED YET, and we get stressed and sad..

    Thats been my experience anyway

    Lisa, I LOVE that dream, thats a very cool one!

    I really liked the eletter about how we are inclined to give, tis’ the season, and how thats the best way to push a guy away…so what I was going through this week witht he guy who’s my favorite, we didnt exchange gifts, so that is that, he sent a txt this morning. Im so glad I listned to my inner voice, which i couldn’t hear talking, it just felt MOST peaceful to me to sit back and not lean forward.

    And as soon as that happened, gifts from the other guys started showing up! I was surprised.

  6.  #6Lisa on December 25, 2009 at 6:16 pm

    I was going through some posts from Dec ’08 and found this comment from Alias Girl:

    “i want someone to blame OTHER THAN MYSELF for my life not living up to my dreams. i feel sad. ridiculously out of proportion sad. like i just created this beautiful structure that took my tweny plus years and all my resources and time and creativity and love and trying and someone just came and knocked it down just because they could. just because they felt bad about themselves just because they were jealous of my beautifulstructure.”

    I so relate, coming out of a verbally abusive relationship. But, oh, does it feel good to know that i can say “done” to that game. She says just what i want later:

    “i like to feel good. thatls what i like. no anger no jealous no hurt no sadness no loss no confusion no scared no betrayed no let down no lied to. just good and up. good and better. good then great”

    “Good and up” — a good mantra 🙂 [I am reminded of the old pink and licorice candies (?), “Good and Plenty” — that can be my mantra of abundance replacing scarcity.

  7.  #7Lisa on December 25, 2009 at 6:35 pm

    I’m really hogging this post 🙂

    Just came across this lovely bit from “Desiderata”:

    “Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.”

  8.  #8mary on December 25, 2009 at 11:44 pm

    Oh my gosh! All of you meat eaters:

    I bought some turkey breast filets, and instead of baking them, I peppered them like crazy, poured on some chicken broth, stuck in some celery and quite a bit of real sage, and turned on the crockpot on low. Seven hours later… oh my! I will never bake a turkey again… no, never…

  9.  #9gina on December 26, 2009 at 1:07 am

    Lisa, thanks for those inspiring quotes!

  10.  #10Daria on December 26, 2009 at 1:14 am

    Wow Mary! That sounds YUMMY! I want to try out the crockpot i got for my mom awhiles back

  11.  #11Jennifer on December 26, 2009 at 5:07 am

    I resonate with this post.
    The lonely over worked part anyway. I’m struggling toward the enlightenment.
    This has been a rocky holiday for me and I resent the hell out of it.
    I don’t feel like spilling all my hurt out here all over again. I feel l’ve taken up alot of time on past blogs with my stuff.
    I feel like I’ve worked hard to get to a place where it was “ok” for me to want the things everyone else wants (home, marriage, family) and just as I’m reaching out for them my hand has been slapped.
    I don’t want that. I don’t want my hand slappped.
    I want stuff. I want to feel like it’s ok for me to want things and I want to feel Iike I am getting them.
    I want to spend the next little while concentrating on me. Just me.
    I feel a little selfish saying that. But I’m working on feeling ok with it.
    I feel very grateful for my friends and family right now.
    I have experienced so much support here and in my life. My good friend told me to go for an EFT session and when I said I didn’t feel good spending the $60 since I haven’t been working all that much she immediatly email transferred me $60 for Christmas.
    I am a lucky girl.
    I am glad that Christmas came and I am glad that it is gone. It is hard to concentrate on me during the holidays.
    I am excited about my Eft session. I need to dump this anger. It hurts me.
    I haven’t eaten properly in a week. I am nauseated.
    On the plus side I have lost 8lbs but that’s not how I wanted to do it.
    Happy Holidays to the Sirens on the Island and I hope the New Year brings all the things you wish for.

  12.  #12Soignée on December 26, 2009 at 5:10 am

    I had the Christmas with a high fever. Such a pity. I was alone. My family is far away. I was very ill. But today I feel better. I catched a flu.

    This time it was so.Maybe next time will be better.

    Happy Holidays to all Sirens.

    Kisses and huge hugs.

  13.  #13Linda on December 26, 2009 at 10:23 am

    The holiday I had a wonderous one.

    I took some of the wonderful things I have learned out here and put them in practice yesterday. Instead of focusing on what I dont have concrete or unachieved goals, I let myself enjoy what showed up and was right in front of me.

    My children, my ex-husband, my mother, extended family. I let my expectations go and just experienced the day and the moments and converstations that unfolded before me. I was not hoping for anything in particular, wishing something specific would be done or happen, I just simply showed up and embraced what was right in front of me. I felt/feel light and happy and open.

    I am on the edge of transistion and there is magic all around me. Everything that is still breathing is holds possibility and hope. Even in my loss, dissapointment, endings, and hurt there is magic there too. I have felt like a failure and mis handled things in life, I have loved deeply and lost deeply and so have all the people around me. Being mindful of that gives me that ability to offer grace and be open to watching what may unfold in front of me.

    I have shared before I am a woman of christian faith. Years ago I did a study on how to know the “will” of God in your life. The simple message of it is watch for what is what God is doing around you and join in it. I began doing this several years ago with it yeilding amazing results…I see this message repeated everywhere and applies to everything in our lives, jobs, relationships, driving someplace, what we read. Here on this blog,the message is… “listen for the message of the man in front of you”..”he is exactly right for you at that moment”…. etc. soo…. when I started getting text messages and emails from Mr Scrutiny again I wondered, what is going on?…. Being in a new healthy place, well boundried and what I feel is well equipped with great tools from here I decided to responded.

    Remember my special christmas wish? ” a yummy man under the mistletoe”…. the man of my choice was (Mr Scrutiny)….. it came true.

    On the edge of transition, letting things tip into your life, magic in the air… O M Gosh yes!


  14.  #14tinque on December 26, 2009 at 10:29 am

    Oh Mary – I am missing my garden. I had the hugest sage patch, so delicious with turkey, but my favorite way to use it was a happy accident. I was browning it in butter, whole leaves, but it got “too” brown and turned crispy. Pour that over fresh salmon with some freshly ground pepper, and bake it in a slow oven until barely done. YUM. The sage is edible this way.
    My fresh rosemary stuffed under the skin of a turkey and put in the cavity. It infuses into the meat. YUM.
    I miss all my fresh herbs. 🙁
    But I have a beautiful just frozen over lake to look at and soon hopefully to skate on instead.
    A mouse got in the house last night. The cat found him first and though ooohhh what great fun, but kitty is twenty so quickly decided mousy boy was just too much work. He’s still around somewhere, Mr. Mousy Man. EWWWW…
    He’s probably after my Christmas marzipan.

  15.  #15laughing goddess on December 26, 2009 at 12:02 pm

    Wow Linda! I have felt so inspired lately reading your posts. They feel so different than they did just a while back. It feels very clear to me that you are on the edge of a huge transition. I feel much resonance with what you said about knowing what God’s will is by responding to what is going on around us. I feel curious if it might be time to refer to “mr. scrutiny’s” as something else…like mr. Loving or mr. interested or mr. Giving, etc. Mr. Scrutiny just doesn’t feel like the right name for him anymore. 🙂

  16.  #16Lisa on December 26, 2009 at 1:05 pm

    Dear Linda,

    Thank you for sharing your good understandings. I will be looking forward to continued lessons, I hope 🙂


    Maybe set out a have-a-hart trap with a bit of marzipan in it. Once trapped, be sure to throw a towel over the top b/f picking it up, or wee mousie will be scared to death at the merry-go-round ride 🙂

  17.  #17tinque on December 26, 2009 at 1:10 pm

    K says that’s a bad idea, for it will save him from having to chop the little head off. Oh heartless man LOL.

  18.  #18gina on December 26, 2009 at 1:32 pm

    Everything this holiday felt good…except I’m steaming mad about a situation with my roommate. I’m SO triggered…she’s involved with a married guy, and I just don’t want to hear about it. At all. There was a married guy who I had an inappropriate relationship with about a year ago (texting all the time…I ended after we eventually kissed) – it’s not my finest moment. She got involved with that same married guy (it was a huge mess!!!) and said that she learned her lesson. I don’t feel bad about what happened, but I am OVER it! and i feel so frustrated to have to hear about this sort of messy situation again. I feel dragged back to a place where I’ve already been (and I was WITH HER the last time I was there). From the beginning, I said that I didn’t want to hear about this relationship AT ALL. For several months, it was tolerable that she would bring it up, and I would remind her that I don’t want to hear about it. But recently they “fell in love.” and then “she realized that it wasn’t going to work.” so she wanted me to “listen and please not talk.” and I did. but then she kept it going with him, even when he stopped contacting her. and, recently, when i had friends over, she talked and talked about it with my friends and I felt FURIOUS!!!! I DONT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT. She brought up the married guy who we were both involved with a year ago to my friends – and I feel like she’s trying to justify what she’s doing and put me back in the same boat with her. Both times that she brought this up in front of my friends, things got very tense and I’m embarrassed and ANGRY! On Christmas eve, my family invited her to spend the holiday with us, but I didn’t extend the invitation to her because I don’t want to be around her. There was bad weather, and I’m pretty sure she was stuck here at the apartment alone on Christmas. I feel bad about it. And yet, I want it to be perfectly clear that the topic of her relationship with this man is outside of the scope of our friendship, and I am not bending on this boundary, so I hope she can respect this for the sake of our living situation. Lately when she brought him up, I have insulted her integrity, intelligence and sanity for what she is doing, and I raged against what I perceive as the victim-mode that she goes into. I intend to resist the urge to lecture her or judge her, and just stay to the boundary that I am setting. She is free to do as she wishes, but I am not willing to participate in any way.

  19.  #19Daria on December 26, 2009 at 1:36 pm

    Rori is it normal for us practicing sireness to start feeling that we are demanding, spoiled, and difficult? is this something to own?

  20.  #20gina on December 26, 2009 at 1:59 pm

    Daria, I find that question interesting…I don’t feel demanding and spoiled. But G said I am spoiled, cause I want to be “taken care of” and I want to have my fun by dating other men and “partying”. I think his perception is valid from his point of view (he sees himself as the prize, and is waiting for a women to prove that she loves him “hard enough.”), but I don’t feel interested in his point of view because I felt trapped by the ways that I did try compromising my point of view for the sake of his. We don’t see eye to eye, and that’s fine. I received a text from my roommate on Xmas saying that he contacted her on the online dating service where I met him – he told her that he hoped we’re having fun, and asked her to wish me a Merry Christmas for him. I don’t feel compelled to reach out to him based on this message (because of our recent history). If he is willing to pursue me, we can talk, but I’m not bending again. I am difficult, and he should know that anything of real value doesn’t come easy.

  21.  #21Linda on December 26, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    Laughing Goddess… I am with you on that. I felt that I should refer to him as something different now too. I almost did that in my last post. I think I will just refer to him as “S”. His name begins with that letter.

    S and I saw each other for the first time in four months on Christmas Eve. He invited me to come to his condo. He is without a car right now and has asked me to consider helping him get another vehicle. Mainly consider cosigning on a loan for 6 months. I am not inclinded to do so. I feel it unprudent to tie myself to him in any way financially. I intially felt suspicious, thinking that He was only contacting me again because he was in a difficult spot. But I decided to explore this, just a bit.

    When I arrived he was not ready yet, I looked at his place. Sparce but well ordered and was nice to see his personality and taste. All the things around us, clutter, order, style… they all reveal things about us. I have always admired his taste.

    He greeted me warmly, showed me his place. Showed me his car search etc. Then we went out to lunch. I was not really familiar with the area and asked “is it alright with you to drive, I just am not sure where I am yet”… he chose to take us to the first place we ever met. I approached him as me… not a hurt, rejected, scrutinized, not enough person but as ME. The strong, confident loving warm open ME. I was not nervous or bumbly with my words. We just have this warm comerade’ that is priceless and he mentioned it more than once. I could sense a difference in him. That arrogant edge seemed gone. He seemed humble in ways, yet kindly directive. At one point he just stopped talking and looked at me. I asked “what”…. he simply said, I have just forgotten how much fun you are. I said thank you and smiled…

    I listened to him and what he has been learning and feeling. We talked about all kinds of things on all levels. We seemed to be of one mind and spirit at the table. The peace I had and he commented on was noteable. As he shared more and more, he began being very personal, sharing how God has touched his life and spirit, his dreams and revelations that could be nothing short of divine intervention in his life. He teared up and wept a bit as he shared. I just listened, and knodded and affirmed. Level 2 listening was my job and the more I listened the deeper he went. It was as if he was purging…. I could see divine fingerprints all over him and the difference in him was remarkable!

    After he calmed a bit… I asked him to open his hands and lay them palm side up on the table.. he did and I said….”a posture like this invites and allows you to receive”… this is all that is required. With that he took my hands and pulled them all the way across the table close to his heart and kissed them and said, “Linda, I love you, you are the one for me, I have been so stubborn”…. I did not say, I love you back though I do very very much… I said… “S, show me” please just show me… he said yes he would.

    We left and did just a couple of things he need to do for Christmas, I had family plans and had to leave soon after, as we walked thru store he held my hand tighly, asked my opinion, (we operate like a well oiled machine together). It felt amazing and right. He told me… I feel so good when I am with you.

    As I left.. he took me in his arms… and kissed me! Boy did he kiss me…… my christmas wish came true.

    The interaction between continues to be calm and beautiful. You know, I think this man finally recongizes that if he follows thru… “we” are gonna be great together. ….I am leaning warmly openly back and gonna follow his lead… yum! I love how he rows the boat.


  22.  #22Linda on December 26, 2009 at 2:34 pm

    So… I guess the point of my sharing is…affirmation of the tools and faith and the subject of this thread.

    What will tomorrow bring?… I dont know, but today, I am open to what is right in front of me and enjoying every moment of it.


  23.  #23gina on December 26, 2009 at 3:16 pm

    feelin good…I wrote a letter to my roommate with lots of feeling messages and a clear request to spare me the details of her extramarital affair for the sake of our living situation and friendship.

  24.  #24Jennifer on December 26, 2009 at 3:56 pm

    Linda, I feel so happy for you.
    Thats fantastic.

    I’m going to go back and re-read my e-book.
    I know I haven’t been listening on level 2.
    I don’t really want to listen on level 2, it feels like work. But I will read the ebook and maybe that will help me feel better.
    I don’t want to work for B. I want him to work for me.
    I don’t want to feel like I’m putting in effort.
    For anyone but me. Me. Me. Me
    I’m going to stab zombies on the Wii with my sister.
    It’s theraputic.

  25.  #25tinque on December 26, 2009 at 4:27 pm

    Jennifer – Try looking at listening at level two as a sort of meditation. You get to sit back, sink deeply into your own body and sensations, and just absorb whatever it is the other person says.
    I find when I am able to let go of the need to speak, I feel quite liberated.

  26.  #26tinque on December 26, 2009 at 4:30 pm

    Linda _ Congratulations!!! Mr. S (sexy? stepped up?) is under your mistletoe.

  27.  #27tinque on December 26, 2009 at 4:31 pm

    Gina – it’s simple really. just tell her you don’t want to hear anymore about her affair. Calmly, cleanly, and then walk out of the room. That’s it.

  28.  #28gina on December 26, 2009 at 4:50 pm

    thanks tinque – we talked and its okay now.

  29.  #29tinque on December 26, 2009 at 4:51 pm

    good. I feel better. you feel better.

  30.  #30laughing goddess on December 26, 2009 at 4:52 pm

    Wow Linda! Wow wow wow! Congratulations!

  31.  #31laughing goddess on December 26, 2009 at 4:54 pm

    I always feel so good to hear of siren success!

  32.  #32laughing goddess on December 26, 2009 at 5:03 pm

    Gina: I feel impressed to hear you standing your ground and knowing your value both with G and roommate. It feels empowering.

    Tinque: your advice feels so wise and compassionate.

    Daria: I also feel frustrated when others don’t recognize that it is our birthright to have good things and love and abundance constantly flowing towards us and that it is sometimes thought of as being a spoiled brat or something. Oh well, I feel hopeful that as the doubters witness my life continue to get better and better they will realize that they have the power to do the same.

  33.  #33Linda on December 26, 2009 at 5:52 pm

    Jennifer, Listening on level 2 for me does not feel like work. It is easy because all it requires of me is to listen. We all just want to be heard. I feel like it just requires me to be present and really concentrate on what is being said. It is a grand opportunity to learn.

    Investing right now for me is just staying relaxed.

    The relationship I have with my mother has always been a challange and at times very hurtful. She cant enjoy what happens in her life because she is focused on what you did not say or did not do or didnt happen. It makes me feel defeated and tired. I wonder, do I internally do that to men. My answer was yes. It affects me and comes out in ways that are subliminal I think.

    I dont want to be like my mom and hold things in cue against people. What that does is cloud the beauty of what is unfolding today. I am not discounting accountibility and holding people to their word, I am however letting people off the hook of my imaginary expectations. I feel so much calmer and happier and able to recieve. Just something that I have learned works for me and is so much less stressful. It is like keeping an inner peace and that translates into everything I do and say. I dont have it perfected yet still practing but it is yeilding good fruit for me.


  34.  #34Linda on December 26, 2009 at 5:59 pm

    Yes indeed Tinque…. Mr S…. is sexy and stepped up and found me under my mistletoe.

    he is coming over soon… my mistletoe is still hanging too. yesssss

    Linda (smiling from ear to ear) too!

  35.  #35Daria on December 26, 2009 at 6:37 pm

    I feel ANGRY

  36.  #36Robin on December 26, 2009 at 6:55 pm

    I had a revelation earlier this morning, as I was thinking about how I’ve been accused multiple times this year of simply not caring. about men, either from the men themselves, or from family and friends

    One instance jumps to mind; recently, with my mom. she accused me of not having real feelings for the guy who is my favorite, and concluded that I wasnt leaning forward ( not her words, but mine) b/c I was still hung up on my ex and that I had no REAL feelings for this other guy I’ve been seeing.

    And thats not it at all…Its just that my perspective has shifted.

    Im just more concerned now with getting my needs met than with worrying about whether those needs are going to anger or offend someone.

    And thats that.

    So of course people are going to get confused and think I just dont care. And especially my family and friends, who are used to me being the equivalent of a doormat…my new perspectives and my new confidence is taking them some getting used to

    And thats cool…

  37.  #37Robin on December 26, 2009 at 7:07 pm

    I also got a really cool message from God & the universe.

    About 6 weeks ago I got a sample of ‘Alien’ perfume at a trade show. I wore it on Thanksgiving day, and my mom commented how she liked the way it smelled on me.

    Well she bought some for Christmas for me, and I LOVE it. As I opened it, she said, ‘It just smells like you, it smells like ‘Robin’…”

    Later I was checking a new online profile, and the guy had asked me earlier if I was an alien, and his second response felt a little condescending, so I wrote him back that I didnt know how to respond, that I couldnt tell if he was being facetious, but that at any rate, Im feeling fantastic about this year.

    So whats the message, about me being an ‘alien’

    Hmmm…I guess IM OUTTA THIS WORLD!!!!!

    THANK YOU GOD !!!!!!!

    I truly dont care WHAT he meant by it, I got my message.

    But I did write him back ‘scratch my last’re right…Im outta this world! lol’

  38.  #38Linda on December 26, 2009 at 7:34 pm

    Thanks for the well wishes. I am still in a bit of disbelief. Time as always will prove the reality of things.

    Daria? why angry, do tell if you feel like sharing.


  39.  #39gina on December 27, 2009 at 12:36 am

    GRRRRRRRAAAARRRGGH!!! I FEEL ANGRY at my boss. I feel like calling names and humiliating and accusing and punching and kicking. I would feel pleasure to see blood. I really would!!

  40.  #40mary on December 27, 2009 at 8:59 am

    Last night I did a little mini-version of my speech.

  41.  #41tinque on December 27, 2009 at 9:04 am


  42.  #42Linda on December 27, 2009 at 10:43 am

    Ok… magic is still in the air. Transitioning and on the edge of more.

    I did not go out with S, we just stayed in. I had the tree on the fireplace going, candles lit and comfort food on the table. It was sooo cold last night here.

    His energy was electric, and fun and open! Such a refreshing shift. I used to feel tired and drained around him. Last night we talked, laughed, cut up, dreamed a little together, smiled, snuggled, kissed and held each other. He invited me to Flordia in February with him, he said… I have not bought my ticket yet, I can always get two…. I even heard the word “honey” come out of his mouth. That is an absolute first!

    In the back of my mind I feel tinges of fear, pinching myself that this wont last. I dont want to sabatoge anything here with fear and yet I am also dedicated to communicating my truth to him too.

    I remember Mary talking about feeling suspcious and guarded with her man that came back into her life after so much hurt from before. I am glad I could read her thoughts and feelings on that because, now I am in that same position.

    I am gonna flow in this river, keep my antenna up and have a blast. The man that I wanted…, has come back of his own free will. IT feels really GOOD.


  43.  #43Chaudemaman on December 27, 2009 at 10:49 am

    it creeps, creeps, creeps
    a tangle of thoughts
    bloodied from battle with the heart
    crazed it thrashes in the mind
    painful, mindful, soulful

    requiem for an imaginary relationship

    gee ain’t i a ball of fun today…

  44.  #44laughing goddess on December 27, 2009 at 11:55 am

    Ugh! I feel frustrated and bored. I want to do something fun!!!!!!

  45.  #45deja vu on December 27, 2009 at 11:56 am

    Linda –

    A beautiful story…gives me a feeling of hope. I was not aware of this website months ago, can I ask what happened 4 months ago? Did you just decide that it was time to lean back? Did you have a conversation about it first? I am in a place where I need to make a decision…could use the input if you don’t mind sharing. Thanks

  46.  #46Daria on December 27, 2009 at 12:45 pm

    Chaudemaman je l’aime beaucoup

  47.  #47Daria on December 27, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    So i find myself thinking about “sex story guy” this guy i had sex with and want to again, almost did last nite but logistics did not work out.

    so well he was supposed to be a lover, so i didnt mind that i drove to him, i was excited to have someone to have sex with like i asked.

    now i am starting to have feelings of wanting closeness.

    i just finished my red time so now i was worried (he had kinda disappeared for aabout a week or so) that my sex man would be gone… but he showed up and i had some missed calls on my phone, then he contacted me online, was kinda mellow. i told him i felt kinda mad about his disappearance

    then i told him last nite over text that i want him to think of something special to make it up to me. he finally did and said i would see. (my guess is its special sexually but that works too lol)

    so anyway last nite i wound up not going over there, but i did call him to let him know (experiment) and we had a pretty fun convo. i found myself feeling the feelings of desire to be close during this convo.

    so now i feel a lil sad, because he told me at the beginnning he was not ready for a relationship. He had a 7 month old at that time (a year ago) and was just broken up with his baby’s mom (who he’s still seeing).

    anyway theres always negotiating but i want a man to come to me and he doesnt have a car right now (maybe he will) and owes $3000 to get his license – (but i guess he could drive without one).

    ANYWAY thats all thinky

    I jus feel a lil good and a lil not good about going there to have sex

    but i was gonna get something special hmm…

    i plan on asking for special stuff more often

    I like this song:

    Know somebody Fly
    that likes to come by
    take off all their clothes
    and freak me for free


    i guess i like it so much im compelled to play it out

    I would like to have more feel good options for SEX

    thank you

  48.  #48Millie on December 27, 2009 at 3:38 pm

    I think many folks are dealing with boyfriends; girlfriends and others that are sociopaths!! and no amount of love and caring and giving will ever be enough–sociopaths are takers and they will suck the life from you—having been married to a sociopath briefly (I didn’t realize he was prior) They give whole new meaning to the word stress–watch for red flags-if your intutition feels that something isn’t right-then chances are it isn’t!!! —best wishes-Millie

  49.  #49Vicki on December 27, 2009 at 4:37 pm

    My husband passed away 31/2 yrs. ago. A friend introduced me to a man that was a widower close to the time my husband passed. He chased me for 2 years before I decided to give him a chance. Nice man, kind, loving, generous, heart of gold. He had been dating another woman and had told me it was over come to find out he was still dating her. He says he wants her out of his life and if she was the one for him he wouldn’t be seeing me. He has even brought up the subject of marriage. He was married for 31 years. I was married for 34 yeaers . We are both in our early fifties. I care about this man even though I feel he has done me wrong I don’t want to lose him but I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t faithful. Every time I tell him to leave me alone he will stay away for a few days or weeks and then contact me again. Help!

  50.  #50Rori Raye on December 27, 2009 at 6:08 pm

    Vicki – Welcomel and try to go easy here….You’re just now figuring all this out. He was dating her and now he wants to date you. As long as you don’t get stuck in the “girlfriend” trap you should be fine! As long as YOU’RE dating other men…none of this matters. (Sex would be an issue if he’s sleeping with her and sleeping with you…I’d go with making that boundary and just not have sex with him….) He’s having a hard time making decisions and cutting the other woman loose, and you won’t know if he even WANTS to cut her loose for a while. Can you Circular Date and cut this man some slack for a bit? I know it’s hard…you felt he lied to you…but it honestly doesn’t sound malicious the way you present it here…he’s kust not sure what to do…he may have shifted since the start – so your job is to date him…and not worry about the “relationship” part. Love, Rori

  51.  #51Rori Raye on December 27, 2009 at 6:09 pm

    Millie, Welcome, and here’s to catching the red flags! Love, Rori

  52.  #52Rori Raye on December 27, 2009 at 6:10 pm

    Deja vu – Welcome, and I’ll let you and Linda talk and just listen on my end…Love, rori

  53.  #53Daria on December 27, 2009 at 11:45 pm

    I had felt angry at a comment my dad made about me never washing the dishes. I feel scrunched eyebrows talking about it. the weird thing is i regularly do the dishes. thats like my household chore. so it feels weird.

  54.  #54Tracy on December 28, 2009 at 6:10 am

    Just to add on what Tinque,when i feel triggered about a story i often know that there is a story running inside of me that may be part of negative emotion….parts of me that i have not healed or a reminder of something from my past…..
    I usually feel triggered when my friends bring up infidelity stories because for me they remind me of my own failures in relationships or my lack of faith in true love…I am learning to listen to that to help me heal myself…

  55.  #55Linda on December 28, 2009 at 7:10 am

    Deja Vu – I have been here on this blog for about a year. My twisty, topsy turvey story with this man has been a challange and a has provided a great opporutnity for me to grow and mature into a more balanced, happy woman. My personal journey and being on this site has growth created a huge shift in me. I have moved from looking to a relationship with a man to fulfill and complete me to being a woman who is happy with myself and fulfilled.

    I met S back in March of this year and it has been on again off again all year. Things would be great for a few days or weeks and then he would go awal, each time sighting a new reason that hinged on something that was lacking or not enough (usually about me) . Then he would come back saying he was sorry and wrong but a pattern of this developed. It all became hurtful. I decided he was a toxic man and not for me as he was. It seemed with each cycle he would come closer and then split. It was a roller coaster ride for sure.

    During this year I have been circular dating thru all this but I must say this man is the only one that I really cared for. There was something I saw in him and connected with when things were good like none of the others. I would that is why I remained open to him.

    Four months ago he did it again and I simply just released it all. Enough was enough. I let go of what could be and concentrated on what was. Took everything out of imaginary and focused on reality. I kept dating, joined some interest groups through ( a great suggestion from someone here on this blog) , met some new people made some new friends, began doing things that made me happy and challanged me too. I stopped overfunctioning in my brain too. i.e., trying to figure him out and concentrating on me and how I was doing, feeling and what my needs are and what I want and behaving and thinking in ways that will yield the kind of results I desire.

    There was no conversation with him about anything. I did ask to talk to him once but he did not respond. He ignored my request. Then I would get a e-mail out of the blue, expressing that he was thinking about me. I responded twice but he was the same… I did not make him a priority. I simply decided that I did not want this game going on.. so when I got one email, I sent one to him questioning why he was contacting me.. he said certainly you are my friend aren’t you? Ummmm NO that is not how I felt so… He got an email full of truth and feeling messages from me. He responded with his most hurtful thing ever. I felt he had spit in my face with his words. I could see that he did did not hear a thing I said, but that did not matter to me, what was important was that I expressed “my truth” and it did not matter to me what he thought or if he agreed or approved of me. Clearly he was thinking about me, but not stepping up and had not changed at all and certainly not giving me what I needed or wanted…. I remained leaned back, staying in touch with my feelings, keeping things in the realm of reality.

    I got a text from him December 15th, saying “what cha doing”. GRRRRRR is was angry. After his last email, I determined, I was DONE….. four days llater, I decided to respond. I text… “still curious”. He responded right away. Since that day, he has intiated contact daily. He is taking responsibility for and taking baby steps toward me and a relationship.

    I spent the afternoon and evening with him yesterday. He invited me to join him, asking me to go to church and run errands with him etc…. He introduced me to church friends as his “girlfriend”. (I smiled inside) As he was driving me home… we had been talking about a friend of his I had just met and suddenly, totally off the subject.. he took off his glove off, reached for my hand…voice quivering and said..” I Love You Honey”.

    You know we all take baby steps. He is taking them toward me. !


  56.  #56deja vu on December 28, 2009 at 9:08 am

    Thank you so much for sharing that, I often feel like I am the only one tolerating the actions of a man who sends mixed signals. I have been going through this for a long, long time….rollercoaster is a perfect description of my life, my emotional state and my mind, which is constantly wound up trying to figure out “what does he mean?”. UGH. We never fought or really disagreed, but we never took it past the friend level, either. He IS the only one I want, and he has many great qualities, just maybe not emotionally available at this point in his life. His history is full of tragic events that I am not comfortable sharing here. Twice we went without speaking for months, but because HE was raging at ME. I had heard something about him,..didn’t quite match the impression that he was ‘selling’ me, I asked him…he damn near lost his mind. He said things to me that I still can’t quite believe. He treated me like I had tried to murder him. So… we’re all past that now, but emotionally, I never saw that coming and I have never quite gotten over it…I was blindsided. Of course, I apologized for MY part, did not get one in return. Odd, because he used to apologize if he thought I misunderstood him. Fast forward…he willingly comes over to do repairs, favors, etc. but when I invite HIM, he doesn’t respond. I left a small Christmas surprise at his house, and I did not even get a thank you. I know I need to back off in a major way because his behavior is hurting ME. I may never know the reason for the hot-cold behavior, but I was thinking that this is a good time to STOP, and pay lots of attention to ME. Maybe he’ll notice quickly, maybe not. If I continue to do what I’ve been doing, I suppose I will continue to get whatever crumbs are left for me. I hate being taken for granted, and I am taking too much of a hit to my self-esteem. There are plenty of feelings that I would like to express to him, but I don’t feel right about doing it, unless he asks……Thanks again for sharing your story and your good ideas. I may check into, I have already started doing some volunteer work in my free time. I am HAPPY FOR YOU that things are working out… me hope for better times ahead. Thanks!!

  57.  #57cookie on December 28, 2009 at 7:53 pm

    Hi, ladies,
    So I’m back again because I feel like I’m losing focus and connection with my self and I need your support. The holidays have put me on an emotional roller ride. Not only is there thanksgiving and christmas but there is my birthday and a wedding and someone at my job just announced that she was pregnant and all of these things just make me feel sad. Like deeply sad and lonely and empty and jealous and longing. I know this time of year puts so much pressure on my relationship of 8 years (imaginary or not). First of all, he is struggling financially and is not feeling like much of a man. (he tells me this). And I can feel it. I can feel myself wanting things to be different for him to get his shit together and man up. And he won’t do it. I ask him if he thinks I’m putting pressure on him and he said yes. Even though I don’t ask for anything, I guess the way I talk about other people’s blessings. I admit that I’m not right for doing that, it’s very passive aggressive and disrespectful. It’s like I’m acting like he won’t notice and he’s not stupid at all and he knows me. So what should I be expecting when he gets mad and blows up. It’s really a stupid game and I hate it because just last monday I turned 31 and I’m feeling time ticking. Loudly.

    Anyway, last night we got into an argument because we were having sex and I couldn’t get out of my mind and the things he was doing felt very ritual and like I was being fu))ed instead of made love to. Although even if he was making love to me (which in his mind he was) I would have still not wanted to because my nasty voices were talking so loud and so mean and nasty that there was no way for anyone to shake them off. He sensed it, plus I was crying, and I told him it felt too impersonal like I could be anyone and I don’t want to be fu0)ed. SO HE jumped off and got mad and I just kept talking and spewing and it was a disaster. Seriously. And he told me to find the man I was looking for because he is not it. And I found myself trying to convince him but i wasn’t because I haven’t been acting like I love him (not the him I wish he was but him) and I haven’t been feeling very loving or loved. And I know that things could be better because I see him interacting with the other people in his life and he’s happy. He can be fun with his family and be lighthearted and loving. When I first got with him their relationship was strained but now he is embracing them. But with me, I get all the sadness.

    What is his message? After about 45 minutes of crazy, I put the cover over me and laid down to sleep. I told him that it felt awful between us and I didn’t want to go to sleep like this. But he wouldn’t come closer or hug me. And I didn’t want to urge him any longer. Usually, I would toss and turn and think but I laid there with my back to him and I imagined. I reminded myself that even in this situation I have the power and that if I wanted to be somewhere else or with someone else I could be there. I started thinking about all the things that I want for myself that wasn’t this. I started feeling like maybe he was right, that I could find someone else. And I literally felt my body relax fully. It was crazy. And him. He was on his side of the bed with his back to me at first but as I was thinking and feeling these things I felt him moving closer to me. He faced my back and I could feel him breathing on me. He didn’t hug me or anything but the distance closed and that felt okay for that moment. I’m learning so much about myself loving this man. Alot of mean, disgusting, weak/powerless, vindictive, self conscious, cowardice stuff is swimming around inside of me. It’s nice to be in touch with that stuff and to not pretend. I am not perfect and I don’t have to be. I love it.

    We haven’t talked all day today. Which is okay. I will take this space and let him have his and do somethings I need to do for me. Today, I did feel lots of love for him.

    Although this stuff is taking a long time to pay out for my stubborn self, it is sinking in. Slowly. Very slowly.

  58.  #58Linda on December 28, 2009 at 8:11 pm

    Dejavu.. you are most welcome. Your story feel familiar to me.

    The relationship I had with S went way past the “friends” stage so I was in deeper. However, no matter what level things are between us and man, we are not imune to liking, loving, or desiring more . Imaginary relationships that I have had created such stress on me. That is why I became resolute to keep things real.

    When you stop doing what you have been doing, do it for your happiness. Not because you hope he will notice. Moving your motivation from hoping that something you do will cause a change in him to doing all things because it serves you well is a better reason.

    So far so good with my guy and me. I have dated 20 different men this year, all just a different as they can be. Get out and have some fun. It is ok to hope for what you want. just dont put your life on hold for it. You have some good thoughts and direction that you shared. Put it into action.

    My best to you… Linda

  59.  #59tinque on December 28, 2009 at 8:12 pm

    cookie – as painful as last night may have felt, all of this actually sounds really, really good. Sometimes when a big breakthrough happens, often it’s accompanied by something like last night. We as humans and maybe especially as women seem to need a big shake up.
    Whatever happens, with or without him, you will be fine. You are so beautifully getting into all that stuff inside.
    And you are still young, really you are.

  60.  #60Linda on December 28, 2009 at 8:17 pm

    Oh dear Cookie! Take some space and regroup.

    Hugs to you… Linda

  61.  #61Daria on December 28, 2009 at 11:50 pm

    Hugs Cookie… that sounded amazing how you loved yourself through it! wow!!!

  62.  #62cookie on December 29, 2009 at 10:51 am

    Thanks ladies for replying. Yes, I feel many things changing for me, particularly this year. I’m excited to make some new commitments to myself and my heart and love. Whatever else comes out of this situation with him will. But honestly I don’t want to figure it out anymore. Happy New Year ladies. What are some your goals for this year?

  63.  #63Millie on December 29, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    Girls!! A man who does not listen to you and has no feeling/remorse for when he hurts you repeatedly–he is more than toxic -try google-ing ‘sociopath’ and see if the shoe fits him?
    Wishing everyone a Happy New Year!

  64.  #64janjune on December 29, 2009 at 3:31 pm

    hi millie :),
    we’re not *girls*, we’re **GODDESSES**!! 🙂

    thanks for the heads up–I’m going to google sociopath!

  65.  #65Lisa on December 29, 2009 at 6:59 pm

    Right, Millie. I have just learned that continual dismissive, mean and punishing behavior with no remorse is not simply “game-playing” — it is abuse, albeit psychological (which can be more damaging.) If one likes being chum for the sharks, it is alright.

    If one hopes to flower as a human being, it is a no-go.

  66.  #66Daria on December 29, 2009 at 9:43 pm

    i feel triggered and defensive. i feel triggered by thinking of people being labeled as sociopaths. rrrrr… what if i was a sociopath… i do not want to be labeled or label or have labeled men in my life
    i want the power to heal sociopaths and hurting people and men in a feel good way by jsut my presence. thank you

  67.  #67Lisa on December 30, 2009 at 9:55 am

    Dear Daria,

    Your Trigger triggered me!

    Mean people suck. And I’m certainly not saying you’re a mean person. It’s just that I know I can’t fix anyone, save me. My power won’t come from the fucked up people I try and save.

    I’m no one’s fairy godmother. The only one I have a chance of helping is me.

    I’d been going the long-way around the barn: Thinking to fix them, then they could come save me. HA! Cut out the middleman.

  68.  #68Daria on December 30, 2009 at 12:54 pm

    Lisa wow I feel blindsided in a good way by this:

    “I’d been going the long-way around the barn: Thinking to fix them, then they could come save me. HA! Cut out the middleman.”

    the truth is i have a voice that tells me that i am to heal people i love, like my mother and father (who are still very much in my life and i live with them) and men too…

    soo a lot of healers tell me stuff like you cant heal people unless they want to heal etc etc

    i feel triggered and resistant and horrified like noooo… like rose letting go of jack in the ice water on titanic

    so i dont want to let go

    i know i will have healing on this. i want healing on this.

    Thank you!

  69.  #69Millie on December 30, 2009 at 8:29 pm

    Divas and darlings– I do not label anyone-but medical science has long since figured this out- and sociopaths can not be helped with therapy or pills or all the love in the world—–do not take my word for this– google it and get the medical facts for your self. A safe and happy and blessed New year to all!!

  70.  #70Daria on December 31, 2009 at 9:52 am

    I feel triggered. Welll what if someone’s child was a sociopath… should we say, well oops my son is a sociopath, he cannot be helped by anything in the world!!

    better abandon him now while he’s still young!

    i feel angry!!

  71.  #71Lisa on December 31, 2009 at 11:53 am

    Yes, Millie, sociopaths follow a pretty standard menu.

    Best not to get involved with one, if you can see the red flags. Their goal is not bonding but domination followed by cruel dismissal, and they will exercise power by any means necessary.

    Including coming to you as a needy (or combative, fight-the-machine) po’ boy, Daria. My new mantra: Don’t waste no more time on sick boys 🙂

    To myelf: Be well. That means crying right now, and unloading my baggage from sick boys. But then coming out happier and healthier. Fix no one but me. Expect that other people who have done their work, too, will recognize the health and goodness in me.

    My goodness does not become magnified by virtue of its being recognized by someone so far down on the social totem pole.

  72.  #72Daria on January 1, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    Lisa, thank you for adressing me, i feel good to see my name hehe.

    i feel triggered by “social totem pole” i feel furious. i hate the idea of social class. i feel angry that sociopaths might come to me disguised or whatever – i feel dismissive and angry

    i feel judgemental of talking about someone else’s mental illness … or judging them as having an incurable illness…

    i love my defensiveness and judgement

    and i feel furious

    i love my fury

  73.  #73Daria on January 1, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    instead of focusing so much on some man’s sociopathness (which i feel suspicious is not something clinically confirmed but rather self diagnosed from research – either way i feel uncomfortable with labeling people about mental illness, except where it would be directly Helpful to that person)

    I personally would sink into my feelings of anger vengefulness and judgement

    and I feel triggered to see blaming of this man … and i feel reallly GUilty saying that… because that could be someoens baby steps to anger.. and i feel angry angry angry

    i lov emy anger!

    i love my guilt!

    i love my fear that im running off people with my “strong” voice…

    i love my fear

    i love my smugness

    i love my fighting feeling

    i love my standing for NO

    NO it does not feel good to be to label someone as a sociopath!!

    are they stalking and stabbing people in the dark like Jason?

    are we using this label to guide us to the appropriate help for that person?


    what i see is labeling being used to take the focus from one own’s feelings….
    and i feel guilty and afraid

    i love my feelings

    i love my “i dont care” protection mechanism

    i feel so tense

    i feel Intense

    in my tummy

    and i lov emy intense feeling

    and that feels like squeezzing at the root of my tongue and i love that squeezing


    i feeel ANGR?Y

    i want to sweep this part of the world like a table

    i love my rageful attacking feelings!!

    mm i feel powerful!! i feel dominant!1 i love my dominant feelins,

    and i feel guilty and small voiced and afraid and left out and i love my guilty small voiced and afraid and left out feelinggggs


  74.  #74Lisa on January 1, 2010 at 9:54 pm


    I hate the social totem pole, too.

    And I want to avoid mean, sick people. No more focus on finding mean, sick men/boys who will try to derive power through competition. “What about MY needs!” the last one emailed, when the whole thing had been about him! Baby-boy-man can go suck mommy’s teat, not mine.

    Focus on Lisa being well and smart enough to do better for herself.