Holidays And Love

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The Holidays are slipping away from me. I’m buzzing, speeding, moving faster than sound waves. Brain on overdrive, pedal to the metal. It’s Hanukkah. It’s Christmas. It’s Kwanzaa. It’s New Year’s. All at once.

I see my entire life in rewind. My whole life crammed into two weeks. I remember my childhood and the Hanukkah candles, my single years with the Hanukkah candles and the Christmas tree because I thought it was pretty and festive and fun, Christmas in New York with a potted plant. Then married years of collecting ornaments and my daughter throwing icicles around the room.

Years ago, we gave up the tree lot Christmas tree because of allergies, then we gave up the living Christmas tree because of the same allergies, then we gave up the fake tree (which I really loved – the whole thing was one big decoration), and this year I forgot to buy Hanukkah candles.

The parties are like networking meetings. Everyone has business cards. Even family get-togethers feel like replays, like obligations, like the children are all leaving home and this is the only way we can see them.

Some of us are giddy. Some of us are blue. Some of us are lifted up by whose birthday and whose steadfastness we’re celebrating. Some of us are tired. I’m just, well, feeling.

It’s hard to be or feel any one thing in the middle of all this celebrating, cooking, cleaning, putting off work, missing appointments, going out of town, caring for and being visitors and houseguests. It’s hard to be any one thing or feel any one thing ever.

To me, this whirlwind of tradition, ritual, repetition, counting of years, remembering where we were at that Christmas, that Hanukkah, that Kwanzaa is a swirl of emotion that ties me to my past, propels me into my future, and makes me stand right here, right now, awestruck, watching the air fly past my eyes.

And it makes me love myself and all people just a little more – because I can’t cling to the past or dream about the future or pretend to not be here. It’s like a vortex. It’s past, present and future – the same for everyone.

We’re all connected here – not by religion or tradition or even the start of yet another year, but by the fact that we’re all tied to this season of both celebrating and lamenting everything all these things bring to the surface for us to feel. All at once.

In any given moment, there are infinite possibilities of feeling. Turn to your desk. All those things sitting on it. Look at them. Touch one at a time. Doesn’t each have a different feel, a different memory?

I look at the picture of my dog, Popcorn, who passed away four years ago, and still feel a wave of sadness and regret for what I didn’t do for her, and then my new dog, Hazel, three years old, touches my shoe with her face, and a wave of delight goes through me.

The rubber band on the desk reminds me of something old, and it feels like something fun, and the air smells like flowers, and it’s cold in here. All at once.

Feelings morph. They’re liquid. They can go from unbearably bereft grief to stunningly tingly pleasure in less than the blink of an eye. We don’t have to stay in our dungeons of loneliness or our prisons of pain, or our clouds of infatuation.

We can move through it all, cycle through it, round in a circle or up and down or side to side, and swim in the Soup of our own emotions, our own soul’s treasure chest.

If you’re feeling blue, it’s not who you are. It’s just the way you feel right now. It’s okay to look at the cat with love in the middle of feeling grief. It’s okay to cry and then laugh, to look at a page from the news in disbelief and dread, and then laugh over the movie section.

This is what we do best, us humans. We feel.

What it is about the Holidays, for me, is that it’s a season of contradiction, confusion, old and new, real and fake, love and emptiness. It’s happy. We’re up. We’re celebrating. It’s sad, we’re down, we’re blue. It lights up the choice we get to make at every moment.

If we have “Happy Holidays” and “The Holiday Blues,” if we give to those less fortunate and feel unfortunate, if we give and try to remember how to receive, if I am exhilarated and at the same time terrified, which do I choose to believe? What do I focus on?

People who are heroic seem to absolutely get, and try to teach us, that there is joy in life, and that, even in the most desperate of moments, it’s good to focus on the joy even while you’re experiencing the pain.

So, while you focus on joy, remember what you remember and see what you see and feel what you feel about pain. While you focus on peace, remember and see and feel what you experience as chaos. While you focus on love, don’t avoid anything you feel, even if it’s fear.

Travel across the landscape of your life focusing on what feels good – peace and love and joy – and know that, even though pain and chaos and fear are always along for the ride, you can ride with them without getting stuck in them.

It’s the Holidays. Touch things, touch people, be human, receive love, and give love to yourself.

Every moment is a new memory. Whatever yours are, they’re yours to focus on, to remember or forget, to live for or with or through, to keep or toss, to stay mired in or use to jump into something wonderful.

Whatever you choose at any given moment, I wish you love, happiness and a whole lot of fun.

Love, Rori

I wrote this last year, and it still feels true to me – all my love and warm wishes to you all – and let me know how Hanukkah, Christmas and Kwanzaa went for you this year…Love, Rori

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18 Comments

  1.  #1alias girl on December 25, 2008 at 4:52 pm

    happy holidays. i like that it is christ’s birthday. is that right? newborn king? i’m not exactly sure now that i say it. i should know i guess except that it’s not my religion and also not what society keeps hammering home to me. xmas is about xmas trees (which i love. the lights the sparkle. the ornaments. the smell. what’s not to love?) and xmas is about presents (even in whoville.)

    but i think it’s about christ’s birthday. i’ll have to google it.

    i have no plans. i have no family. i have no boyfriend. i have no close friends. i feel content for the first time in forever about this. maybe i’ll leave the house but it’s raining and i am a creature of comfort so the idea of driving in the rain or feeling cold and wet is not that appealing to me.

    thank you. to whatever for what is. i guess it must be what i want/need/like. so thank you.

    i feel ok. i feel neutral. that doesn’t feel bad. and it leans minisculely towards feeling good. it doesn’t feel numb. numb is the worst curse one could be afflicted with. i’d rather have the depths of grief and sorrow than feel numb. but meaningless contentment is not bad.

    i don’t know why i chose to come live this life as alias girl. i feel like i am doing exactly what i came here for but i am not doing on the level of bill gates or bill clinton or obama or jimmy carter or anyone doing grand things. i don’t know why i am here alone on christmas day, christ’s birthday, just being me in space and time. but i feel really fortunate and even appreciated.

    i feel like i really grew into an authentic aware compassionate lovely person. maybe that’s why i came here. maybe that’s a celebration. maybe i made alot of mistakes to get to this place. maybe i just enjoy being me. and who can take that away from you? or me.

    nobody can take me away from me. merry christmas my lovely ladies and godesses. xoxo



  2.  #2Daria on December 25, 2008 at 8:28 pm

    I am alone and feel content too. Even though I am also a little bit sick. I feel comfortable.

    I do feel a little sad because I feel stuck and I wouldn’t know how to power speech the guy I like in case he ever does call me again in this lifetime. And if not I will probably run into him at social functions or soemthing. I feel awkward. I feel dormatty and stuck. Not like me. I do not like to feel dormatty. I do fall into a pleaser pattern with certain people, but with most others I am dominant and imposing. I feel low on energy, and yet I feel cozy and content. I am enjoying feeling weak from being sick.

    It would feel fun to have someone to converse with.



  3.  #3Daria on December 25, 2008 at 8:29 pm

    oh yeah and of course Merry Christmas!



  4.  #4Reshi on December 25, 2008 at 10:41 pm

    It felt so wonderful to be able to spend today with just my mom and my sisters and my brother, nowhere to rush off to, no 10 different families to see. We played silly games for 3 hours and laughed our asses off at asinine things, watched the ferrets go f***ing nuts, and I felt a peace I had never known with my family before I got married.

    I found some old MIDI files of music that I wrote while I was in college, and listening to them triggered something huge and powerful in me. I felt my back, neck, and shoulders heat up and all the hairs stand on end. I couldn’t place an emotion with it, it was just a pure physical sensation. I went to the piano to see if my fingers remembered how to play the songs. The memory is still there but the execution is clumsy. The energy in most of my music is this sad, depressing, yet powerfully driven energy–but one song felt uplifting and expansive and beautiful. I had been planning to do a burning ritual for a couple weeks, so I put all my songs on an ITunes playlist and let them play while I burned a picture of my husband–the last one that had been taken of us together, about 2 months ago–and a letter I’d written to him (cursing him out lol). It just so happened that when the last bits of his face crumbled into ash, the uplifting song started to play. It felt amazing, I felt like a whole new woman.

    At the gathering of my dad’s side of the family, it was the same gathering we have every year, the faces just looked a year older. My little cousins are turning into gorgeous little women, they played Christmas carols beautifully and moved me to spiritual transformation with a Bible reading–the passage about how Mary went to see her cousin Elizabeth to tell her of how she conceived Jesus, and the two women celebrated the coming event together in their souls–I’d read that passage before but last night I FELT it. I notice things differently now that I don’t feel that my mind HAS to be moving in a certain direction. I can rejoice at my family growing up, I can lament because I am 31 years old and there’s still no new generation coming to follow mine. I can wonder what my place is in the world, living between two drastically different cultures and wanting to add yet another one to the mix. I can watch my grandmother and my great-aunt carry the old traditions, marvel at their austere beauty, and wonder how it feels to them to know that their children and grandchildren live in a completely different world than the one they knew.

    It has been an amazing holiday. Merry Christmas to everyone, my love goes to you all.



  5.  #5Caj13 on December 26, 2008 at 6:06 am

    To All of us Goddesses and our Guruette, whether you believe in the reason for the Christmas or not –

    I hope the peace and warmth that shine through Reshi, Alias Girl and Daria’s posts, coming from their new-found love and knowledge of self, were with you on yesterday’s holiday. That you were comforted by them you if you were alone, or that they enhanced your experience if you had the good fortune to be with loved ones, as was the case for me. Caring for myself became caring enough in itself, and giving came closer sharing with everyone, present or not.

    And now, Vive the New Year on this ongoing journey in such excellent company – our own!



  6.  #6alias girl on December 26, 2008 at 2:59 pm

    i want to start living my life in perpetual gratitude. i want to publically declare that want on this website. i want to always look on the bright side. i want pink colored glasses. i want to always see the rainbow in the storms.

    i am so fortunate. comparatively to the rest of the world.

    yet i don’t want other people’s low vibration and self loathing and sickness etc to keep me from flying high. i have always felt guilty about dreaming big bc of other people in the world living in what seems like misfortune. i want to be grateful and yet still feel excited about striving for more.

    i want to unlock the secrets of the universe. i want to fully and deeply experience love for others and love for myself too. i don’t want those things to be mutually exclusive. i want to experience deep love while still living a fabulous and dream coming true kind of life. i want to experience a love in expansion and properity and perfect health and fun.

    adversity is passe for me. i’ve gotten all i can out of it. i want to experience enough self love where it is pleasurable to give myself the world. i feel the world is just waiting for this. waiting to burst forth for me.

    and i feel so scared about that. i feel like hiding, isolating, finding fault, focussing on the negative. why am i so uncomfortable with my true desires?

    i want this new year to begin my new life. i want the courage neccessary to live in my new life and ENJOY my new life. i want to be guided and supported in this new life. i feel my eyes burning with tears. i feel my chest wanting to fold in on itself to protect my heart. i feel random fear which feels like DONT MOVE! i feel scared. i feel gurgilng in my stomach. i feel undesrving.

    I want to feel DESERVING. How do i get from here to there? where is the bridge to deservingville? has anyone seen it? that is where i would like to be. i feel like jumping from the cage but i’m not sure if i can fly.

    i want to fly. i want to fly. i want to fly. i want to fly. i love my fear and doubt and paralyzed feelings telling me not to move. i love my isolation that keeps me safe. i love the little stringy haired orphan that no matter how many times i keep cleaning her up just wants to go run and live by the trash can and eat trash. bc she feels unworthy.



  7.  #7Caj13 on December 26, 2008 at 6:27 pm

    Oh Alias Girl, how did our beautiful little girl children become these scrawny orphans cringing in a foetal position down by the dump? Ignorant of our birthright, and in REALITY not unworthy or undeserving at all but feeling just the opposite. Now I’m crying, too, for our poor lonely waifs aching to fly, knowing how to fly, dreaming of flight and somehow still feeling stuck in fear on the threshold of that flimsy junk cage someone tossed in the bin, the door already open.

    I want some help from my swamp woman – there’s a muddy swamp licking at the trashcans down by the dump, right? My swamp woman is something like the Queen of the Night in the Magic Flute crossed with Cruella, dreadful and witchy and pushy and overbearing with her operatic high jinx in high C and dysfunctional motherhood but reigning supremely powerful over the whole universe. I want my Night Queen of the Trash Swamp to take my little folded up girl by the hand and lead her out of that damn cheapo flaking gold-spray painted cage and take her flying around on her jet-broom to where the real homes are, to where she can be her real stand-up-for-herself and scream-and-cry self and really share her niceness and talents with men who are so eager to have her in their lives.

    (I want to thank all those who gave me suggestions for dark music with pathos to go with my sound-making anger de-management – I do appreciate it).



  8.  #8Daria on December 26, 2008 at 6:44 pm

    I actually like my beggar orphan girl… A while ago I was considering living my life like this because it seemed so romantic and spiritual to me… she is so free in a way… I had a perfect picture of a beggar girl I bought when I was traveling in Paris and I lost it there… I have been trying to find it on the internet with no success… I really like the orphan beggar girl she reminds me of Oliver Twist and I like how she is free to do whatever she wants and sleep outside if she wants to, and doesn’t have to wear pretty clothes because she is already pretty… I think she is one of my Goddesses although I don’t feel I want to live that way anymore (maybe I have already lived that way… in fact I have)



  9.  #9alias girl on December 26, 2008 at 10:15 pm

    thanks caj 13. i was in the target store hidden away in the women’s section crying as i read your comment. baby step by baby step i guess we are all coming along. and yes please let me ditch this second hand trash spray painted lameo cage. i mean thank you fake gold cage for serving me as you did for so many years. but i want a real home now. i am ready to come home to a real home. and men who can’t beleive how lucky they are to be with me. or a man. i really only need one. but i think babay steps requires it to be men first for me.



  10.  #10Cassandra on December 29, 2008 at 9:30 am

    All of your posts brought tears to my eyes. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts, feelings, experiences and growth with the rest of us…I learn from each one of your and your posts and am appreciative of each of you. I so want this next year to be so much better than this one that we are still in…i feel powerless….I feel at the mercy of time and I feel at the mercy of employment…I feel like there are only some things that I can control regarding my new year and my life…that I have no control over other things that directly affect me…that feels unsafe to me…it feels unsteady and I don’t like feeling that way. I am so tired of saying to myself each Christmas and New Year’s….’this is it….NOW I am finally going to have the things that I want in my life’ and then it does not happen and the next year comes and i have to say the same thing over again…I have now gotten tothe point where I am saying to myself…’yeah..whatever.’ becasue I no longer believe that I WILL have a happy marriage to a wonderful man (whether that be Charles or a different man) and a family of my own and finally actually belong somewhere. I no longer believe that it will happen for me. I have been working with trying to REALLY love ME for so long and I am still not there totally where it comes so easily….that I am not sure that I can get there. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t want anything bad to happen or anything like that and I can’t say that I hate myself but as far as totally loving ME the way that you all are able to love yourselves I am not sure I can get there. I don’t know how…I want to but am not sure how. I do not want another year of the same and honestly can’t take another year of the same old same old but I feel powerless in some ways to do anything different in some areas of my life and in the others I am not sure what to do differently. I feel angry right now..I feel that my heart is so filled with anger that I am going to explode….I am angry at ME for letting ME down and of course angry at Charles for all that he has done or not done. I feel angry that I trusted him…I feel angry that I even want a man a marriage or a family of my own…i feel angry that I am so damn sensitive and feeling and compassionate and caring and loving…I wish that I was cold, uncaring, did not care about others and did not feel things to the depth that I do…I wish that I was indifferent and just did not care. I wish that my heart did not need to be loved the way that it does…I wish that I could just disappear. I feel so insignificant and want to NOT need to matter…I want to let go and just not give a damn anynmore about anyone or anything..I feel so angry that I just want to scream…..I even feel sometimes that I let you all down because Iam incapable fo making a decision to stay or leave Charles right now because of money…I feel trapped but yet I feel so hurt knowing that when I do have a good job that I will have to move..you are right AG…I am totally talking out of both sides of my mouth…one minute it is one way then the next another… I feel that I let you all down because I am incapable of doing anything at all on either side and feel so conflicted. I so feel hate toward my indecisiveness right now even though I can’t do anything until I have a job with money coming in to support myself. Christmas was wonderful but I couldnot even enjoy it because of all of this other crap hanging over my head and I feel so full of anger that I am not sure that I can out from underneath it….i am afraid that I will never be able to forgive Charles or even myself for that matter. I feel shame that I feel such darkness right now and feel that you all think that I am such a loser….such an idiot for being in the situation that I am in. I so want 09 to be better but feel powerless to make it better and I feel that I will never have what I want or even feel FREE to truly be ME and appreciate being me fully….I hate that I can’t seem to get unstuck and I don’t know what do to do …I hate feeling this way. I feel that I have to apologize for where I am at right now.



  11.  #11heartbeat on December 30, 2008 at 3:37 am

    Rori, that is a fabulous post – I felt serene reading it. Thank you! 🙂

    My first Xmas with my man – I didn’t think he’d make it, he has a lot of ‘stuff’ around Xmas. I’d let go of any expectations and that felt really light and uplifting and free.

    There was a moment he got prickly and defensive, but thanks to all the Tools in Reconnect, I was able to stay grounded even though I could feel myself pulled toward fear, resentment and defensiveness myself. Letting Go again, I felt clear. A man in a bad mood is like the nasty voice for me, and best left alone to find a better place.

    If I’d tried to get the outcome I wanted, tried to shape the holiday my way, I’d have got LESS than I ended up getting! It feels like we’re shaping things together, so warm and bonded at a deeper level. I’m staying tuned in to what I’d like and it seems to be happening! 🙂

    Open to receiving, listening, recognising that his communication can be in different words to mine (like we all speak a different language and have to learn to translate).

    I made my pilgrimage to my special place and he came with me – I’m opening up more and more, without relying on him to agree or to provide.

    My love and best wishes to everyone for the coming year xx



  12.  #12Cassandra on December 30, 2008 at 4:06 pm

    Heartbeat….I am gald that you are in such a great place and that things are going so well for you!! YAY!!! I have a question for you. I have ordered reconnect but have not received it yet. How do you stay grounded when you feel yourself being pulled toward fear, resentment and defensiveness? …. and secondly I know that we TOTALLY speak different languages but how can I find out what something he says means in a way that does not offend my man or make him feel as though he has said something wrong. I often ask him if something he says means this or that…what I THINK he means but want to be sure I understand what HE is saying and not assuming what I THINK he is saying…..example…

    I ask him if he is happy overall.
    He says “yeah Babe….we are alright.”
    I ask him if that is the same as yes
    He gets irritated that I didn’t understand him but to ME the word ‘alright’ means ok….not good…not bad…just in the middle sort of indifferent which in this case TO MEwould NOT be a good thing because I want him to be happy not just in the middle. I guess what I am trying to ask is how can I ask him what he means when he says something that could possibly mean something else to me to make sure that I am clearly understanding exactly what it is that he is saying.



  13.  #13heartbeat on December 31, 2008 at 2:46 am

    Hi Cassandra, thanks for asking! First off, once you start practicing Reconnect, you won’t be asking Charles how HE’s feeling – you’ll be focused on how YOU’RE feeling.

    That’s not as selfish as it sounds, and I bet, like me, you were brought up to put others first. But you can’t be there for others unless you are THERE for yourself, present and open in your own body. Focusing on yourself, your centre, and communicating from THAT place, feels (and looks) completely different.

    OK so scripts are handy when you don’t know the play. So let’s start by changing the characters a little. Let’s leave Charles as he is for now, and make the Cassandra character a Wise Shepherdess – sort of seasonal, but also she’s able to guide her flock of Sheep & Goat Thoughts. You know about sheep and goat thoughts because we all have them. Sheep Thoughts go something like ‘oh I wonder how he’s feeling, my day will go so bad if he isn’t happy’. Goat Thoughts go ‘I’m gonna rip that sonofab**s ass off, no I’m gonna get drunk, no, I’m gonna yell’ etc.

    So back to our Wise Shepherdess (that’s you, remember). She sure ain’t going back to Farmer Hugglesome with that crew! So, being Wise, she summons her flock and settles them down, and talks to them. Not in a parenty way, not in a bossy way, but in an inquisitive way. She asks them to tell her what’s going on, she listens, she shares her feelings. And then she’s ready to go back to the farm.

    That’s the Inner work – and Rori has lots of tools to take you through to yourSELF, in button-sized steps.

    You save your ‘speeches’ for Really Important Stuff. And you stay out of his Scenes. You’re too busy getting prepared, so you can be a really great co-star. You don’t want to be Patty Prompt or Soozie Stagehand.

    I don’t want to give you a script because the words will come, the words come out all by themselves when you’re in that centred place. And a lot of the time you won’t need to say anything. You won’t be getting triggered, you won’t be wanting to talk to him.

    You won’t be making his character Lord Viscount Sir Farmer Charles (we ‘project’ this lordly aspect onto our men when our fear is triggered) – he’ll just be plain old Farmer, just a man, getting on with his life as best he can, sometimes gettin it right, sometimes gettin it wrong…

    And anyway, you’re the Director, just a very frazzled, worn-down, disappointed and grieving director – so keep giving yourself time and attention. Notice your triggers and breathe… take time out in another room, and, as Rori says in her latest e-letter, do something different.

    Doing Something Different loosens the grip of triggers, makes you forget the Lines of your Old Role. Our reactions are embedded in neural pathways – literally, in the brain – and the more we shift from patterns of behaviour as we notice them, the less emotional impact they have.

    16 seconds is enough to start reducing a neural pathway, and over a period of two to three weeks it’s really reduced. 16 seconds a day, that’s all. Isn’t that amazing!!

    Thank you for your hugs in an earlier post and for your well-wishes, Cassandra – I’ll look out for you! 🙂 X



  14.  #14Caj13 on December 31, 2008 at 6:07 am

    BRAVO!!!!!!!!!!! STANDING OVATION TO HEARTBEAT!!!!!! Clap clap clap and Hug Hug Hug and Air Kisses, Dahling ! I can just see you coming down the crimson carpet steps with a Platinum Siren in your hands!



  15.  #15heartbeat on December 31, 2008 at 6:32 am

    Oh my! I feel overwhelmed!
    THANK YOU Caj13 🙂
    I accept this Platinum Siren and thank all the Women on here for their love and support, Coach Rori for her wisdom and guidance, my Man for being a great teacher, my cats for being cuddlesome, my family, my friends, my Grandpa Jo for being himself…. 😉



  16.  #16Cassandra on December 31, 2008 at 7:35 am

    Heartbeat…thank you so much foryour support, love and input. I can’t wait to get my Reconnect!! I am excited to be focused on how I FEEL and notwhat he thinks, feels, needs or wants! You are SO RIGHT when you said that we both were brought up to think that focusing on YOURSELF was selfish..not in a good way…so yes….this has been so hard for me because it is like rewiring your ENTIRE thought process. I KNOW that it will be worth it in the long run for me with or without Charles because I will then be in a HEALTHY and STRONG GODDESS place no matter what is going on around me. I can’t wait. BTW…I am proud of YOU for doing this as well and getting to that awesome place that YOU are in…you are also an inspiration and thank you for sharing YOU with all of us!! 🙂 I LOVED Your images and explanations! They helped me so much. I will try to do these things until my program comes so at least I have a point to jump off of. This is so great! Thanks Heartbeat. I send you HUGE hugs!
    Love,
    Cassandra



  17.  #17heartbeat on December 31, 2008 at 7:59 am

    Aww Cassandra 🙂 I’m feelin’ the love here!

    I just read your other comment on the ‘Truth’ post and feel joyous that you can riff on yourself now, no mention of Charles, and then you notice that and feel good.

    I still listen to Reconnect, and all my other cds from Rori, because I still get triggered sometimes, and often over very minor things, like getting less kisses on a text, for example… oh boy, does that really nail right into my old insecurity!! I can be brilliant in a crisis and then fall apart over something minor.

    Every day I celebrate how much I’ve changed, though, and you will too, you ALREADY are, it’s so great!

    It’s like peeling away all the muck and discovering the person that’s always there is actually ok to be herself. It’s good fun too – I got my sense of humour back and me and my man laugh together a lot these days.

    Keep going, Cassandra, keep moving forward the way you’re doing. I imagine that wall is crumbling now…

    Big hugs, and warm wishes and love for 2009 XX



  18.  #18Linda G on January 1, 2009 at 12:19 am

    Although I am only an intermittent participant on this blog, I read everybody’s entries and feel like I know some of you. You are all amazing and deserve the very best of life and love this and every year.
    I have been split from my mostrecent guy for months. It took awhile, but after listening to Rori’s programs and endless hours of griving and soulsearching, I have begun dating again. I have listed my profile on to dating sitesand get tons of emails and phone calls. I am using Rori’s tools to stay soft and lean back and they all seem to be very attracted to that. and I like how I’ve manged to shift my vibe somewhat. The thing is, when I go out with them, I find it very depressing. They drive for miles to see me, take me to nice places or just for coffee at first. But I always come home in tears, just so disappointed that they are so stange to me, that I could never connect with them. I know some of this is me not believing anyone could be interested in me unless there was something wrong with them. But I can’t explain it. dating makes me sad.