Hope Springs

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OMG – I LOVED this movie!

You don’t need me if you’re in this situation – just do what Meryl Street does!

She lays it all on the line, lays her heart out there, says the truth, doesn’t blame him…and won’t settle for less than she wants – a whole, real marriage.

Go see it, or rent it as soon as it comes out.

Some things I got from this:

My mother called me several times after she saw it to ask me what I thought. After I saw it and talked to her about it, her comments were nothing near what I expected. She said…

“He’s an ignoramous!  What would she want with him? How could he reject her like that?  He’s stupid?”

And I realized that this is what we all think…

That men are somehow on “automatic sexual” – and we’re so surprised when they don’t want to have sex (this is reaching epidemic proportions these days) and think it has to do with our attractiveness.

When, actually, it has to do with emotional intimacy.

And that has to do with emotional safety.

Once someone closes down the doors to their heart, we close down our doors in reaction.  And pretty soon, things freeze.

The longer things are frozen, the harder it is to thaw them, because the more denial we have about what’s staring us in the face, the more fear and defense and armor and excuses and reasonings we’ve placed around the doors so that they become nearly immovable.

We have to go first.

No matter how scary it is. No matter how risky it feels. No matter what our brains are telling us and our friends are telling us – we need to expose our hearts and tell the truth.

And then – if a man still wants to keep his doors locked, we have to stop pounding on them and simply move away.

We can’t force a man to open his doors.  We can only invite him.

And you have SO much more power in your invitation (and in your walking away) than you think you have!

Love, Rori

 

 

1 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on October 1, 2012 at 7:23 am

    And that has to do with emotional safety.



  2.  #2Femininewoman on October 1, 2012 at 7:25 am

    And then – if a man still wants to keep his doors locked, we have to stop pounding on them and simply move away.



  3.  #3Femininewoman on October 1, 2012 at 7:25 am

    And you have SO much more power in your invitation (and in your walking away) than you think you have!



  4.  #4LiliBee on October 1, 2012 at 7:38 am

    Oh great!!
    One more chick flick to watch all cozied up on my sofa on a cold rainy night 🙂
    I sooo enjoyed doing that Saturday night 🙂



  5.  #5Femininewoman on October 1, 2012 at 7:44 am

    I wonder if it is based on the book by Kimberly Tate?



  6.  #6LiliBee on October 1, 2012 at 7:45 am

    FW and Turquoise,

    From the last thread:

    Thank You for your comments.

    I feel so happy today.
    I feel totally freed from my chains.
    The heavy dark cloud over my head has dissipated.
    I feel so connected to myself.

    I don’t know when & where I will be seeing D again.
    But I feel confident just being in the moment and not knowing.
    The space is empty and it feels peaceful.
    I feel open to whomever and whatever will want to come in that space.
    I don’t even feel any longing for anything or anyone.

    A man just walked in to say hello and commented at how happy smiley I look.



  7.  #7Femininewoman on October 1, 2012 at 7:50 am

    That feels so good to read LiliBee. Do you think you will online date?



  8.  #8Ulii on October 1, 2012 at 7:52 am

    I am feeling a bit confused and have a doubt with this:

    “We have to go first.
    No matter how scary it is. No matter how risky it feels. No matter what our brains are telling us and our friends are telling us – we need to expose our hearts and tell the truth.”

    How does this coincide with the concept of leaning back and not initiating?

    Or is this only for a long term relationship context, where the things have gone bad? It´s good to initiate in that situation, telling about our feelings even if he seems colsed down and not interested at all?

    But it would not apply an a CD situation?

    Could someone help me to understand this?



  9.  #9Iamabutterfly on October 1, 2012 at 8:00 am

    @8 Ulii – thank you, Ulii. I have never understood this.



  10.  #10Femininewoman on October 1, 2012 at 8:03 am

    During the interview, the 65-year-old actually ‘fessed up to cheating on Shriver on multiple occasions and keeping other potentially life-changing secrets from her, including having open heart surgery and deciding to run for governor of California.

    “That’s the way I handle things,” Schwarzenegger said of keeping secrets. “And it always has worked. But, I mean it does not – it’s not the best thing for people around me because I sometimes – some information I just keep to myself.”

    http://news.yahoo.com/arnold-schwarzenegger%E2%80%99s-marriage-to-maria-shriver-was-full-of-secrets.html



  11.  #11Daria on October 1, 2012 at 8:04 am

    Ulii – we go first into the relationship by being the first to open our hearts and be vulnerable

    Not by initiating



  12.  #12Femininewoman on October 1, 2012 at 8:07 am

    This is how I read it

    we need to expose our hearts and tell the truth.

    We have to go first.



  13.  #13Starla on October 1, 2012 at 8:13 am

    I feel proud to report that I told Warrior that it would feel better if he saw me to my door when he dropped me off. It felt awkward and he tried to negotiate it, but the bottom line is i want a proper greeting and send-off when I spend time with him.

    and so it shall be:)



  14.  #14Femininewoman on October 1, 2012 at 8:15 am


  15.  #15Ulii on October 1, 2012 at 8:21 am

    @Iamabutterfly, 9

    It feels good to know I´m not the only one confused on the very basic concepts sometimes. 🙂

    @ Daria, 11

    I think I still don´t understand totally.
    I feel confused about the very practical details. Being “open & vulnerable” is more like a state of mind to me, state of feeling … But opeining up first seems to include talking to some extense. Expressing my feelings. And doing that without being asked, starting first…feels like initiating to me.

    So…I imagine a situation where I am feeling strong feelings and can sense my man as cold and maybe he is not even talking to me except about everyday life things. And I feel it´s superficial and feel hard in my heart and disappointed and angry and also wanting to connect to him (has happened to me with my long-term ex). So…how would I open up in this situation without initiating? If he would never even ask how I am?… Just starting to talk about my feelings at some random moment… it feels like intiating to me. And I´d be afraid he´ll shut down even more. But if I wouldn´t start, maybe I´d have to wait forever.

    It does apply also in my CD-situations in a minor scale. There are moments I feel confused if by being open and expressing my feelings would be leaning forward and leaning back (which would also mean I don´t share any feelings without being asked before) is the way to be perceived as cold and uninterested. I have been told I´m perceived that way sometimes.



  16.  #16Starla on October 1, 2012 at 8:29 am

    I’m also proud to report that Warrior took me on a mountain climb and we climbed to the top of one of the very tallest mountains in America, cool!



  17.  #17surferchica on October 1, 2012 at 8:29 am

    I thought the movie was entertaining and I liked the way Streep focused on herself and not on blaming. Didn’t like the idea that a man so entrenched in his negativity could overcome that in a meaningful sustained way in a week’s worth of therapy and improved sexuality. Not believable. But I did like that when things weren’t shifting at home, Streep’s character packed her bag not willing to settle. That’s the key to me of the whole film. We can’t do this stuff as a “trick” to keep a man. We have to be clear about what we want for ourselves first, and then live that out openly and authentically, willing for any outcome.



  18.  #18LiliBee on October 1, 2012 at 8:30 am

    7:

    FW,

    I still have my Match.com profile up, and I do get winks and emails.
    So far I’ve only responded to 1 that felt good to me.
    My membership ran out, I still get emails and winks but I don’t get to see the pictures and respond until I pay.
    I don’t want to pay right now.
    Maybe I’ll go checkout free sites like POF.

    My friend says singles do their grocery shopping on Thursday evenings in our area.
    Thursday evening is zumba night for me.
    I won’t go cd’ing all wet with sweat.

    I always get alot of men’s attention at the grocery store though.



  19.  #19Ulii on October 1, 2012 at 8:33 am

    @ 14 Femininewoman

    Thanks for sharing the video.

    I felt really moved seeing it. These kind of older men asking for money on the street, make me feel so tender and I often feel like crying. I see them around quite some where I am.



  20.  #20Belle on October 1, 2012 at 8:34 am

    Friday night I stopped at the convenience store and chatted with the clerk for a minute.
    He’s asked me where I’m going and what I’m doing before, and I felt so nervous and couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
    I mean, he’s a small-built dark-skinned young man with fine features and I’m big-boned and heavy-set and have big, chunky features and feel all weird and lumpy around him (just riffing here….!)

    So this time I practiced being present with him.
    Him: What are you doing tonight?
    Me: Babysitting.
    Him: What time are you done?
    Me: Late (feeling kind of nervous but settling in and smiling and offering eye contact, opening my heart and spreading my chest open)

    I looked down and looked back up to see him staring at me intently. Instead of looking away, I met his eyes, softly, and smiled. I slowed way down.
    It felt
    so
    intimate
    I let it in, that he liked what he was looking and and was seeing me in such a soft way
    I felt touched in a way that softly melted my heart, I felt something sort of dissolve in a soft and easy way inside
    I felt surprised and pleased by the intimacy
    there was no pain
    no longing
    no ‘electricity’
    no ‘chemistry’
    yet I felt something personal and right



  21.  #21Femininewoman on October 1, 2012 at 8:38 am

    You might be surprised at the attention you get while sweaty. I do it sometimes after zumba. Men into working out might just find you attractive “au naturelle”. You just never know.



  22.  #22Femininewoman on October 1, 2012 at 8:39 am

    I did it just this past Saturday. I wasn’t really sweaty per se but needless to say I felt shocked by a man who really looked at me even though there was a woman in tow.



  23.  #23LoveAlways on October 1, 2012 at 8:40 am

    Thanks Rori! I really needed this! will check out the movie



  24.  #24Starla on October 1, 2012 at 8:43 am

    so basically i will be taking Warrior as a lover, who treats me like gold. And I won’t be looking to him to be a boyfriend, as I don’t feel he is boyfriend material, although if he wanted to change that, I suppose he could, though I really don’t want to hold my breath on that one, as he is who he is and I’m not looking for THAT in a husband.

    But this is what I want… to have a lover, and still date lots of men. I feel like this is just the practice I need in a lot of ways, and I can feel myself expanding and growing and opening up to all men through my situation with Warrior.

    And life is good and yummy and I feel peachy:)



  25.  #25Ulii on October 1, 2012 at 8:52 am

    @Starla 13

    I feel inspired reading about you expressing your need for a “proper send-off”. I feel inspired to feel sure about wanting to feel taken care of by all my men in all the little details and not give that up even feeling uncomfortable stating my needs.



  26.  #26Goddess Lily on October 1, 2012 at 8:53 am

    I’ve seen this movie and although I loved it, I felt uncomfortable because I felt as bad as Meryl Streep’s character in my current relationship.



  27.  #27Heart on October 1, 2012 at 8:58 am

    Wow…Wonderful post! Perfect timing!



  28.  #28Starla on October 1, 2012 at 8:58 am

    Except when I look at his fb and see him in pics with other girls and whatnot, it makes my heart race with jealousy hahahah how funny

    he feels the same way when he looks at my fb profile, i’m sure. i’ve seen him get jealous a couple of times lol

    this is all so interesting and different and it feels safe and good like something i needed to do before i can feel ready for my forever guy

    I FEEL REALLY EXCITED



  29.  #29Femininewoman on October 1, 2012 at 9:02 am

    Goddess Lily but that is the good thing about stories and movies – we identify ourselves with the characters. That way it is a little easier to change ourselves.



  30.  #30Annie on October 1, 2012 at 9:04 am

    Don’t Be Friends

    This is a jump off from a question from Robin –

    “My pattern seems to be getting put in the ‘friends’ category. When I was a teenager, I thought this was the way to go, because I always heard from people that you want to “marry your best friend.” Or that you have a better chance of being with someone if you are their friend first.

    Looking back, I can see how I came to this conclusion; my grandparents were best friends, and theirs was the healthiest of relationships I could observe at that time in my life.

    And even that was not all that healthy and not completely what I want for my own life…

    I really value a friendship element in a long-term relationship, and can see from others in my life that this is important for marriage, BUT…

    I’m missing something if I keep getting put in that category. And I can’t quite figure out how to undo this pattern, because I formed this pattern, thinking it was a good thing to go to one extreme of the spectrum.

    Is there a specific way to break this pattern all at once, or is this something for baby steps??“

    Here’s my answer:

    The truth is – we KNOW a friend from a lover. Hanging out with a male “friend” can be fantastic. My men friends saved my emotional life countless times, and those memories are some of my best.

    Unless a man is gay, however (which is why gay men are often the best friends) – you can TELL if he’s hanging out with you because of genuine friendship or if he’s “interested” in you in more romantic ways.

    And it feels GREAT if a man is “interested” in you and wants to be around you – especially if he’s romantically interested in you, because that adds another dimension that makes you feel attractive and sexy in his presence – not just like a “pal” – and if what you pick up from him is that he’s not romantically interested – as long as YOU don’t have those kinds of feelings for him – it doesn’t MATTER! You can enjoy being with him no matter WHAT his level of interest, as long as it feels like fun – and as long as you don’t CARE.

    The reverse is completely NOT GOOD for you – where you are hanging out with a man who has expressed “friendship” in words, deeds, and energy – and YOU feel MORE.

    Just don’t do that. Don’t hang out with men friends when you wish there were more. Just don’t do it.

    Now – here’s a wrinkle. We’re friends with people because we feel attracted to them. This includes the “geeky” guy we know who’s funny and makes us laugh. This includes our girlfriends. Anyone we feel good around, anyone we want to talk to, be with, stand near – we feel attracted to. And I don’t just mean “platonically.”

    I know this is hard to embrace. But the truth is – there is an erotic component to this attraction. The next time you find yourself talking with someone you couldn’t IMAGINE feeling erotically attracted to – a homeless person, a person you might label as “ugly” – or the wrong gender – if you can embrace the truth that you are erotically attracted to that person as well as attracted on intellectual and emotional levels – you will get this so much faster.

    In other words – if you like being around a person – there is a part of you that feels erotically attracted to them. It doesn’t mean you find this person appropriate for a relationship, and it doesn’t mean you feel romantically attracted to them. It just means you feel sexually, erotically attracted.

    And what happens with most of us? When we’re faced with an erotic attraction to someone “inappropriate” – we shut down.

    And I don’t want you to do that.

    I want you to stay open to ALWAYS feeling erotically attracted to YOURSELF – and so you will ALWAYS be radiating a sexual, sensual, erotic vibe. We’re all afraid of what will happen if we open ourselves up like that – and I want you to embrace that fear and open up anyway.

    So – what you may feel from a man who says he wants “friendship” is that EROTIC component he also feels. You may just hook it up to your OWN feelings for him, because these energies bounce off of each other, or you may mistake that erotic energy for ROMANTIC feelings.

    This is how it gets so confusing with a man who says “friends” but feels like more than that to you. This is why a man can sleep with you and still consider you just a “friend.”

    It’s not cruelty. He’s not trying to hurt you. It’s just simpler for him than it is for you.

    So don’t go there. Just say NO to “just friends.”

    Circular Date. Do the Whole Targeting Mr. Right “Diva” stuff – and it will get clear to you…Love, Rori



  31.  #31Annie on October 1, 2012 at 9:10 am

    I don’t just identify, I actually feel what they are feeling.
    And not just one character.
    Several.

    This at times can feel overwhelming.
    I do this in real life too.
    I experience and feel others peoples joy pain as if I were them.
    Not as if it were me.

    The last year or so I have been able to do this without even knowing them just walking down the street and passing them/

    Gosh I sound crazy reading that back.
    But it is my truth.

    I do have to be careful who’s energy I am around.
    And get myself away at times.



  32.  #32Annie on October 1, 2012 at 9:12 am

    I admire you Starla.

    Do you believe you will be able to not become oxcitocin attached and not bond to warrior?



  33.  #33Goddess Lily on October 1, 2012 at 9:14 am

    Annie, I completely understand that. I feel the same way and my friends don’t really understand it.



  34.  #34Tam on October 1, 2012 at 9:14 am

    Love this article. Inspiring.



  35.  #35Ulii on October 1, 2012 at 9:15 am

    @ Starla 24

    I feel related here. I want to do exactly the same with on friend who I have previously named ( I think) Photo CD. He is into me, but I see difference in values & other things why I don´t see him as a long term match right now. But he takes really good care of me and treats me wonderfully & is also quite attractive to me (this I started to feel after I let him kiss me the other day).

    But I also would like to continue to date lots of other men, before settling for the best one. 🙂

    Nevertheless, I´m feeling a bit afraid of my hormones and what they might be doing and if I might get bonded by them if I start to be lovers with somebody. I usually tend to get overly emotional about a person I am sleeping with,. up to now, at least.

    My number (of men I have slept with) is not yet very high (I think): 5 including my long term ex (+2 I don’t qualify for different technical reasons), only 2 of them after my breakup more than a year ago. And I have always been in love (or made myself believe I am). So there has been an aim to a relationship, an actual relationship, or if that´s not possible, I have cut contact to these guys as continuing felt hurtful.
    So now is the first time I am actually feeling open to have a lover, but doubting my capability to do that.

    I’d feel happy if you shared do you find that hormone-bonding could be a possible problem and how you might resolve that for you.

    Many thanks in advance. 🙂

    And climbing the mountain — that´s awesome!!!



  36.  #36Iamabutterfly on October 1, 2012 at 9:16 am

    @ 20 Belle – oh Belle. I feel so soft and melty reading that. I feel connected to you as well.



  37.  #37MissStix on October 1, 2012 at 9:22 am

    Thank you for the bday wishes from previous thread!

    I feel centered and happy today! So far…I like 29. This is mt last year in my 20’s and I plan to enjoy it 🙂

    Today I look foreward to steak and crab dinner at my mom and dads. Meeting my mom’s new canary bird Julietta. She is a rescue bird and I plan to train her when I stay there for a few weeks at the end of october. Should be interesting…I have only trained budgies and a cockatiel.

    I look foreward to that time at my parents to spend time with my doggy. And mom and dad go to europe to celebrate 40 years of marriage! Go them!! They are fun and crazy! Last year they drove to florida on a harley. They rock!



  38.  #38Starla on October 1, 2012 at 9:23 am

    Annie 32 — this is totally possible. We shall see what happens:)

    I also feel excited to practice my sireniness, and not be that girl who acts attached and more needy after sex. And to see what kind of effect that has on an alpha male like Warrior.

    lol i feel kinda guilty using him as an experiment but i think we’re both getting what we want and i feel open and free and big

    i feel excited to strengthen my commitment to taking care of myself through this experience



  39.  #39Starla on October 1, 2012 at 9:24 am

    Ulii, Warrior will be my 5th, too!



  40.  #40Daria on October 1, 2012 at 9:26 am

    Ulii – yes anytime he says anything to you, such as “do we have coffee”

    “the computer is broken”

    anything at all, is a moment to respond with an FM about what I feel

    instead of keeping it superficial

    “do we have coffee?”

    “oh… I’m feeling awful”

    “what why?”

    “i’ve been feeling so disconnected lately… i miss feeling close”



  41.  #41Daria on October 1, 2012 at 9:29 am

    sweaty is one of my sexiest… esp w a smile



  42.  #42Iamabutterfly on October 1, 2012 at 9:30 am

    Waterfall
    To dream of a waterfall represents a powerful or uncontrollable outpouring of uncertainty, obstacles, or negative emotions into your waking life. You may be confronting a lot of problems, or uncertain situations at once.



  43.  #43Iamabutterfly on October 1, 2012 at 9:30 am

    Waterfall
    Water generally represents the unconscious and the emotions. A waterfall is a positive dream symbol that suggests a cleansing of negative emotions or psychological issues.



  44.  #44Annie on October 1, 2012 at 9:30 am

    I wish you luck Starla.

    I know I wouldn’t be able to do it.



  45.  #45Iamabutterfly on October 1, 2012 at 9:33 am

    @40 Daria – whoa. i didn’t realize we, as women, could do that. this feels so curious.

    whenever someone asks me about coffee, I think about coffee. if I’m feeling really feminine energy, I might say “coffee would feel great right now!”

    but to take a statement about coffee, ignore it, and express your feelings?

    that feels kind of crazy.
    and powerful.
    and curious.

    uggg, why didn’t I realize this before?



  46.  #46Iamabutterfly on October 1, 2012 at 9:34 am

    Waterfalls
    This is often a sign of fierce passion and longing. The thundering of the water reflects the yearning in your heart. Is there something that you really want, but can’t have?



  47.  #47Starla on October 1, 2012 at 9:35 am

    Thanks, Annie:) very much:)

    I think it’s going to be a bit of a crazy roller coaster, but it’s a roller coaster I need to ride.



  48.  #48Ulii on October 1, 2012 at 9:55 am

    @ Starla 38, 39

    I feel encouraged by your response to Annie. I´ll see what happens too. Although I have not yet decided 100% about this lover thing, I´ll have a good chance to sink into my feelings in his presence tomorrow, as PhotoCD has invited me to eat with him. He´d pick me up from the station & later cook lunch for me & then he´s supposed to install a downloaded translation program to my laptop computer and teach me to use it. That´s the very first time some man is so involved to help me in my professional goals. So that means I´ll be hanging around quite some hours with him.
    If I decide to sleep with him, he’d be my 6th. 🙂

    Good luck to you too Starla, I hope to keep reading about how the situation evolves.



  49.  #49Heart on October 1, 2012 at 10:03 am

    AND I WAS like baaaaby baby baby oooh
    like baby baby baby nooo
    thought you’d always be around ♬



  50.  #50Tam on October 1, 2012 at 10:04 am

    I could be a lover with someone who does not mean anything much to me….it only happened once or twice but it actually worked. I didn’t particularly like it though, it got boring pretty quick….and I ended it before I got attached to the guys…I was experimenting, whilst hung up on someone else..it was my therapy..kinda worked but only short term.
    I absolutely wouldn’t do it anymore now, but it was really ok.



  51.  #51Ulii on October 1, 2012 at 10:04 am

    @ 40 Daria

    Wow! This is great advice!

    Feels really simple, but powerful at the same time. I think I could totally do it (although feeling uncomfortable at first).

    As lamabutterfly puts it:

    “uggg, why didn’t I realize this before?”

    Thanks Daria!!!



  52.  #52Starla on October 1, 2012 at 10:05 am

    Thanks, Ulii, I was undecided too. The thing that was holding me back the most was the dropping me off at the curb thing. It actually really mattered to me, and was short circuiting my ‘turned on’ feelings by not having it.

    my intention is to constantly affirm to myself that i am beautiful and desirable and he is blessed to have me as a lover

    i really would like to stop feeling like *i’m* winning THEM over. like *I’M* convincing THEM to want me.

    yuck, even typing that feels terrible.



  53.  #53Tam on October 1, 2012 at 10:20 am

    Starla, from where I am standing, you are in a pretty good place. And I remember that your vibe throughout these months has inspired me. I loved that you concentrated on yourself first and foremost and believe that you will reap the rewards, like you are already reaping them…



  54.  #54Starla on October 1, 2012 at 10:22 am

    aww thanks tam

    gosh, you ladies are making me feel so supported:)



  55.  #55Tam on October 1, 2012 at 10:49 am

    Life is exciting, isn’t it, you never know what’s around the corner…as I write off one, he starts pursuing…as I wonder if one of my CD’s is a little boring, he starts being really fun and interesting…one who looked really old in pictures, looks quite young and quite nice in real life.
    Surprise, surprise!!! 🙂



  56.  #56Starla on October 1, 2012 at 10:51 am

    tam,
    life is SO exciting
    <3



  57.  #57Smile on October 1, 2012 at 10:52 am

    She lays it all on the line, lays her heart out there, says the truth, doesn’t blame him…and won’t settle for less than she wants – a whole, real marriage.

    Ooo nice one Rori!



  58.  #58Smile on October 1, 2012 at 10:54 am

    Hi sirens!!!!

    I’m feeling fun and flirty! Feel like dancing!



  59.  #59Smile on October 1, 2012 at 10:55 am

    Oo tam, I would live to date in Florida! Moon beach dates would feel yum !

    I was reading back through your posts on the other thread. It felt like you received some sound advice.

    Just gonna enjoy my tea x



  60.  #60Tam on October 1, 2012 at 10:55 am

    Hey Smileeeee!!!! 🙂



  61.  #61Smile on October 1, 2012 at 10:56 am

    Tam as I read through, I was like yes, oh yes, brilliant FW!



  62.  #62Tam on October 1, 2012 at 10:57 am

    Dating is no effort here, there are men everywhere…and they are all after my bedsheets..ha ha ha. Not just MrNap 😉



  63.  #63Goddess Lily on October 1, 2012 at 10:59 am

    Tam, I think I need to move 😉



  64.  #64Tam on October 1, 2012 at 11:06 am

    Well, the downside is, Goddess Lily, that as fast as they want to sleep in the lovely clean bedsheets, they are also with one foot out again…especially here…that’s how it feels but I am determined to date and date until I know them well enough to see what they really want in their lives.
    I am a little fed up with the non-committal types which abound here…but there is lots of choice 😉



  65.  #65Tam on October 1, 2012 at 11:10 am

    ..in fact, when I was a little tipsy last night (bad move) and MrP was doing a kind of booty call message, i e ‘I am in your neck of the woods this evening’, I just wrote back ‘oh please don’t tell me you are after my sheets too now’.
    I know, not exactly a feeling message but it is a standing joke between us, that when we meet of an evening in my place, which happened once or twice, I would always say ‘no sex’….and he would answer ‘ok’.
    Kind of a ritual now, because I am not a booty call for someone who doesn’t show a commitment…



  66.  #66Tam on October 1, 2012 at 11:14 am

    ..the weirdest thing is that once I made up my mind about the no fwb situation, everything improved and started to feel so much better and more respectful. I really do not believe women can ‘win’ men with sex at all now…that was my eye opener.



  67.  #67Mel on October 1, 2012 at 11:39 am

    I’m feeling kinda restless today. I get this way sometimes. Like I want to move my energy away, but at the same time, feel needy.

    My little girl is feeling a little ignored maybe. She needs peace and quiet. Home life has been busy lately. Sometimes I feel like I can’t recharge. I’m not used to having kids around all the time… I retreat somewhere and they find me.

    I was feeling a little blamey about that… but it’s no one’s “fault.” I can always find other escapes. I’m bringing myself to yoga tonight. Some quiet time for me. That will feel nice. Then I may get some patience and perspective back.

    And not want to let the wind blow me away… far far away….

    It will be okay.



  68.  #68Smile on October 1, 2012 at 11:42 am

    Hm so my friend said POF is full of weirdos… I wonder which dating webites have sirens found to have the highest quality of men? I’m after only the best of the bunch lol.



  69.  #69Tam on October 1, 2012 at 11:45 am

    Smile, I have found pretty high quality men on POF…and the key for me was to weed out a lot. They had to write nicely and show a genuine interest in my profile..so the ones that remained were actually very nice, well educated and sweet. I honestly did not make one bad experience. Only one guy was strange, he fell asleep durin the date, on the beach…but he was actually ok too. Just boring and I did not want to meet him again.
    Some of the guys I met on there never turned into anything but we became friendly which is nice, one of them just got engaged…it felt nice to see he found someone. I wouldn’t worry. You can sort out the weirdos before meeting them. Trust your intuition.



  70.  #70Starla on October 1, 2012 at 11:47 am

    smile, i like OKCupid.



  71.  #71Tam on October 1, 2012 at 11:47 am

    ok cupid is pretty good here, but I found many of the same guys there that are on POF 😉



  72.  #72Femininewoman on October 1, 2012 at 11:49 am

    It feels triggering to see men being described as weirdos. Just like it felt triggering for me to see women described as “a hobby”.

    It feels good to think that we are all just different. What attracts my sister might not attract me and that I can remain open to see what experiences life send me.



  73.  #73Tam on October 1, 2012 at 11:55 am

    FW, nicely said, we are all different. One woman’s trash is another woman’s treasure…hehe.
    But seriously, I have often found those that others would describe as difficult, eccentric or whatever to be the most delightful and interesting company.
    When I was dating someone who was in a financial mess one time (and actually got out of it again later), one of my acquaintances said at the time ‘why on earth would you date someone who has no money?’ She thought unless you ‘find’ a CEO, it simply wasn’t good enough.
    I said ‘because I like him’. Simple, no?



  74.  #74Belle on October 1, 2012 at 11:58 am

    I’m realizing that the only lover whose smell I really really loved is the one who triggered the most overwhelming feelings in me and the one who woke me up to how unhealthy my love habits were and how many messed-up beliefs I took on from T.

    I mean, EPIC feelings.
    The mythical “couldn’t sleep/couldn’t eat” kind of feelings, where for several weeks I could barely get out of the house or talk to anyone else because my brain was on fire with the fantasies that were sparked by him. I was in a fog of feeling and thoughts and images like I had never experienced before.
    I don’t think he believed me or could comprehend how massively deep and unnerving it was to feel feelings I had never felt before (how do you explain to someone you can see colors that don’t supposedly exist and they can’t see?).
    I was writing non-stop and spouting poetry all of the place and writing long emails that seemed like a completely different person talking.
    I felt *seen* by him in a way I never had before.

    He’s the only man, so far, who I asked for a tee of his to sleep with (didn’t get it). I was way way way OTT with him.
    I sort of wish I had understood what the obsessing was about (I was obsessing literally 24/7) and that I could have sunk into my feelings more deeply then, and known about FM’s then, but it was what it was…the spark to wake me up and inspire me to clean up my internal mess and be open to real love 🙂

    Truth be told, it was so one-sided that it showed me how blissfully in love with ME I was, under all of the ragged bleeding woundedness.



  75.  #75April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    Wow, Belle,

    I feel scared and totally fascinated by your feelings for that man.
    Did you stop seeing him? How did you feel?



  76.  #76Belle on October 1, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    In contemplating even further! about ‘smell’
    I remember that my friend L and I were doing our own version of constellating.
    Something we like to do is look into successful people’s patterns and see if there is anything we can learn from them for ourselves.
    Once we looked at Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, and what we noticed is that Gay “cherishes” his creative energy so deeply, that he doesn’t spend time or waste any time with anyone who doesn’t add to his life. He wouldn’t be sitting around wondering if he should be nice or friends with the neighbor with the weird smell because he’s so tapped in to his own essence that it wouldn’t even come into play for him, he has consciously surrounded himself with the creme de la creme of humanity.

    A good reminder.



  77.  #77Iamabutterfly on October 1, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    @74 Belle – I had a similar, tunnel-vision, obsessive obsession with a man. I had never felt such intense feelings, and I felt terrified of the intense feelings, and I can’t believe how much ENERGY I used framing my every thought, feeling, and experience around him. I too, have no idea why I was so obsessed with him, but I was.

    Feels curious and sad.



  78.  #78April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    I took myself on a date to see Hope Springs. It was a Friday night, and as I had no date, I decided I would go to the cinema with ME.

    Five minutes before I was leaving the house, the doorbell went. It was EM, dressed in his best, looking all scrubbed up. He had tried to phone an hour earlier bit I’d been busy on a call.

    Are you coming out? he asked. I told him I already had plans.
    Yes, I sent him on his way, and then felt guilty all the way to the cinema.

    I kept my date with myself, and really enjoyed the film.

    Yes, there was a hint of regret. But I felt I needed to let him know I was not hanging around waiting for him to show up.



  79.  #79Smile on October 1, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    FW, I was referring to men sending pics of their willies I’ve posted about before. I would describe this behaviour as ‘weird’ ‘strange’ to be hence I used the word weirdo.

    This has been her experience of online dating  but there have been nice men she’s found too.



  80.  #80April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    The film affected me and made me ponder internally.
    Partcularly the line “Are you going to let your pride mean more than your love for this person?”



  81.  #81Smile on October 1, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    I forgot all about ok Cupid, hm I winder how I will decide. Going to do a bit of browsing.



  82.  #82April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    I remember silently shouting at Meryl Streep in the opening scene
    “Stop overfunctioning!”
    when she was cooking bacon and eggs and making coffee for her cold, withdrawn husband.



  83.  #83Tam on October 1, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    79 Smile lol..sending pictures of willies does qualify as weird, absolutely…that never happened to me, thankfully!! Eeeeeew!!
    What is it with people these days? 😉



  84.  #84Iamabutterfly on October 1, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    Are you going to let your pride mean more than your love for this person?

    wow. i feel scared reading that…



  85.  #85Annie on October 1, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    Oh me want to watch now, feel intrigued.

    Is it a new film or old?



  86.  #86Femininewoman on October 1, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    I reserved it at the library. Including the book



  87.  #87April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    I felt a big ‘ouch’ today when I was rejected on OKCupid by a man I’ve been writing back and forth with.

    I had said I don’t want to waste your time or mine, and that I already had enough penpals. I’m a woman looking for a fulfilling lifetime relationship.

    I then asked him for his birthdate so I could do a simple calculation of our compatibility.

    He wrote back saying “let’s forget it. Those tests and astrology are hocus pocus. The only way to see if people are compatible is to meet face to face and talk”, and a bit more ranting.

    I felt so triggered. I only just stopped myself from responding with “so why didn’t you ask me out then? instead of just writing stuff about yourself?”

    In the end I wrote “Aww, and you never even asked my name.”



  88.  #88April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    Annie,

    It’s a new film. Out now.



  89.  #89April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    I really need to make myself high degree of difficulty.

    Masculine men step up when that happens.

    I only seem to do it when I don’t care an ounce for the man.



  90.  #90April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    Reading over the convo on OKCupid I feel so mad!!!

    I don’t want to let it lie. I want to have the last word and tear his throat out.

    What an *ss!

    he wrote:
    “I think we’d better leave it then. I know the only test that works is two people meet face to face and talk. Specific age start sign and any anoint of statistical box ticking are hocus pocus in my book. You sounded refreshingly different, genuine and interesting too. I hope your tests find the person you are searching for, sorry for wasting your time xx”

    aaaagh



  91.  #91Femininewoman on October 1, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    A Rose that is odd. Name and phone numbers are the first things I get sometimes in the first round.

    If I were you I would practice “signing” my name at the end of conversations.



  92.  #92April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    I’m feeling triggered and raging.

    I also see how my irony could have been misconstrued.

    I also see how previous to that he WROTE ONLY ABOUT HIMSELF, and gave me no springboard upon which to reply.

    I want to draw his attention to the fact.

    Why can’t I let it lie?



  93.  #93Starla on October 1, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    (((((((((April Rose)))))))))))))



  94.  #94April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    thank you Starla.
    Your hug feels good.



  95.  #95Smile on October 1, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    It felt fun and lighthearted to do a compatibility test.



  96.  #96Belle on October 1, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    75
    April Rose

    Oh, yes…we were a mess and continually miscommunicating. I just deleted a long post about it because my heart feels so heavy just writing about it and honestly I was mentally ill then and profoundly traumatized. I
    could really have used some quality professional help.



  97.  #97Femininewoman on October 1, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    1. If a man stops treating us, or never did treat us, beautifully as we deserve – we can get bored with him. The co-dependent, pining, waffling, insecure part of us that was throwing ourselves at the feet of a man who didn’t deserve us all of a sudden – when you do the Tools and start to love yourself more intensely than you’ve loved any man – starts to fade.
    And what appears in your mind, heart, body and spirit is a Siren, a Diva, a woman who knows her worth and KNOWS that a good man will make her feel GOOD, not BAD. and instead of feeling pain and grief – you’ll feel disinterest. It’s sort of – you won’t want to be bothered.”

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/do-you-still-want-him/.



  98.  #98April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    I’m doing a lot of healing today (I’m telling myself)

    I was at EM’s house for three hours and was sobbing my heart out for maybe two hours.

    I kept picturing Christmas time, and my family, and how much they like WM, and that I have ruined it by enjoying the lovely attentions of EM.

    WM spoke to me today. He had tears in his eyes. He said he knows we both love each other and its sweet and special that we continue to support one another and no-one has had to leave.

    He seemed to be ‘giving his blessing’ to what he perceives as my new relationship with EM.

    “I’M JUST FINDING OUT HOW I WANT TO BE TREATED AS A WOMAN” – I feel like shouting.



  99.  #99Starla on October 1, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    This one online guy totally freaked on me when I said something he didn’t like. It was so hard to let it just lie. But I’m glad I did. Yuck.



  100.  #100Belle on October 1, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    77
    iamabutterfly

    I think I hit the trifecta with this guy and he somehow managed to restimulate every birth, abandonment, rape and abuse trauma I had ever experienced all in one package.

    My inner voice was literally SCREAMING at me, “HE IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU!” and I would scream back and sob, “I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT! IT FEELS TOO GOOD!!”

    I feel ready to let this heal.



  101.  #101April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    I’m letting it lie. Just.

    As smile said, it felt fun and lighthearted to do a compatibility test. But he got all triggered.

    Funny. His was the first profile that made me think wow, this could be the one!!!



  102.  #102Tam on October 1, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    97, oh FW that resonates sooo much right now!!!!



  103.  #103Goddess Lily on October 1, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    97- Me too. Explains how I feel about my ex



  104.  #104April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    Femininewoman 97,

    Thank you for the reminder.
    I have just spent the best part of an afternoon in a surprising swell of grief for the man I live with, after telling myself for months that I feel turned off by his less than step-up behaviour.



  105.  #105Starla on October 1, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    April Rose, I think if anything could have been different about the way you approached him, it would have been to let him answer your email about not wanting to endlessly email BEFORE introducing another topic (astrology stuff).

    I do this, too. I want to distance myself from the vulnerable, awkward thing I said, so I change the subject so I don’t look crazy or something.

    But it short circuits the connection with men.



  106.  #106Belle on October 1, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    Ohh…you know what?
    That’s totally it. I had pain confused with love TOTALLY.
    The guy in the convenience store, the neighbor…THAT feels comfortable, sweet, warm.

    It was like M had pierced my very soul with pain and the endorphin response to having all of that pain stimulated was massive.
    He really reflected The Crazy to me.
    The last time I saw him, he spent the night and my body was completely tense, my mouth was dry, I was stiff and anxious, and I let him be sexual with me in a way that was very painful and I can remember now the voice in my head saying, “this is good for you, thi is exactly what you need, this will stir things up so they can heal” (the pain).
    I finally pulled away when the pain got to be too much, and looked at him…he could see the stunned look on my face and he pulled me to him and held me. I think the last thing he wanted, really, was to hurt me
    I was using him to punish me, like Rori says
    I can tell now, how what I felt when I was close with C was pain that I was believing was love.
    I knew it, but I didn’t really GROK it until just now.



  107.  #107Iamabutterfly on October 1, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    @100 Belle – I don’t think I’ve ever been raped. I don’t think. I feel scared thinking about the possibility that I might have been. maybe not raped, maybe just molested?

    I always have panic attacks when I have to lay down on my back on a hard flat surface.

    the first time I “discovered myself,” if you will, I was on my back on a hard, flat surface. I remember a man possibly? being in the room, but I don’t remember feeling unsafe. I do remember feeling guilty…

    I don’t like thinking about this possibility…



  108.  #108April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    A new little Negative Voice showed up, along with sad tunes on the radio to help its cause.

    It told me of regret. That I was responsible for how things have turned out, and that I had rejected WM, and now I must feel the pain. It said I should have done …this…and that…. and we would have been happy….

    I wept and wept in the arms of a man who wants to be with me and give to me, and I saw the irony.



  109.  #109Iamabutterfly on October 1, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    I remember that I was little. maybe 4-6 years old…



  110.  #110Femininewoman on October 1, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    April Rose it seems to me that going from “I’m a woman looking for a fulfilling lifetime relationship”

    to

    “I then asked him for his birthdate so I could do a simple calculation of our compatibility”

    smacks of a masculine agenda, zeroing in on the prey. I wonder if he unconsciously felt hunted.



  111.  #111Iamabutterfly on October 1, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    I REALLY don’t like thinking about this. I feel kind of panicky now. I feel tight in my throat, tight in my collarbone, tight in my chest…



  112.  #112Iamabutterfly on October 1, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    actually now that I think about it, when I’m alone with an older man (50s or older) I feel pain/arousal down there and I feel panick-y. That’s not normal, right?



  113.  #113Femininewoman on October 1, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    oedipus complex



  114.  #114Iamabutterfly on October 1, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    I can safely say that I felt abandoned by Dad and verbally abused/put down by my Mom all through life. the only time I ever felt truly safe, like I could let my guard down, like I would be taken care of, like I would be fed until I was satisfied was when I was with my grandparents.

    I mean, I felt safe sometimes with my parents. They weren’t bad people, really. They did the best they could.

    But my mom always tried to control what I ate. and dad was gone a lot and I felt sad and didn’t understand why I wasn’t worth spending time with…



  115.  #115Starla on October 1, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    recent research has debunked freudian oedipal/electral tendencies, i’m not sure how i feel about this.



  116.  #116Iamabutterfly on October 1, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    @113 Feminine Woman – was that comment directed towards me? the oedipus complex…?



  117.  #117Belle on October 1, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    Iamabutterfly
    I feel regret for bringing this up
    I feel powerless
    I wish I could delete my posts
    We were just talking about turning away from the pain and now here’s a big mess of it
    I don’t know why
    I’m sorry.



  118.  #118Starla on October 1, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    i realized maybe i had been thinking i was going after men like my mom and dad because i was told my whole life by psychology that i would.

    and maybe it doesn’t have to be like that at all.

    but “common sense” says it does.

    except i prefer making my own beliefs.

    soooooooo i’m not sure



  119.  #119Femininewoman on October 1, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    Not necessarily Iamabutterfly. Just that the description of the experience reminded me of that. I have always thought it was a questionable theory.



  120.  #120Starla on October 1, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    ((((((((((((Belle)))))))))))))))



  121.  #121Iamabutterfly on October 1, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    I feel tension/pain in my shoulders and tension/pain in my butt right now. I actually remember dislocating my shoulder when we had to lay flat on our backs in a fitness class. it was all women. but being flat on my back made me feel so panic-ky. I was raising my arms, flat on my back, and my shoulder popped out.



  122.  #122April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    I feel an overwhelming urge to ‘clean up’ the messy situations I have created



  123.  #123Iamabutterfly on October 1, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    @117 Belle – It’s okay, Belle. You didn’t do anything wrong.

    I’ve just always wanted to understand why I feel extreme panic in certain physical situations, or being one on one with older men. It could just be a fluke, and I’ve never been molested or harmed other than emotionally.

    I just feel connected to you a lot, and I feel curious as to why.

    I really feel like my life situation was significantly less difficult than yours. I feel guilty about that for some reason.



  124.  #124Miss Bells on October 1, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    OK–I need to compose my break-up letter or speech-depending on if I say it in person…
    Forgetting how much my heart hurts,
    forgetting that it is craziness on his part–truly
    that is making this happen–

    What do I say?

    I don’t want to be “friends” anymore–not like this.

    I have know him 26 years and we have been together, more or less, for five years.

    He knows how i feel about him, but pretends he doesn’t know when it suits him.

    Do I wait until I get 90% of my stuff out?

    Right now I am so angry I won’t be able to answer the phone or email him back when he finally gets back in touch.

    He thinks everything with ME is normal–just as it has always been.

    He is saving a netflix to watch with me, the last of a series we have been watching for a couple of months. He has held it for almost a week. There is no evil wizard keeping us from watching it together. He just has called me.

    I am not at all sure I could sit through a movie with him–or even be in the same house.



  125.  #125Daria on October 1, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    ohhhh i just did some Wonderful feeling tapping on my second chakra

    alla bout being included and ‘including myself’ – like the issue with my dream

    haha

    and now im about to tap on 3rd chakra

    every time i do the 3rd chakra video i get super extra energy to speak out,even in a ‘giving’ way

    yeayyyy

    and it feels so damn good !



  126.  #126April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    (((((((Iamabutterfly))))))
    (((((((((belle))))))))



  127.  #127Iamabutterfly on October 1, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    I feel really guilty writing about my parents. They really tried, and they were really good to me. I love them very deeply.



  128.  #128April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    Rori says not to try to fix unpleasant situations.
    To allow the ebb and flow of good times and bad.



  129.  #129Iamabutterfly on October 1, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    (((((((Belle)))))))))



  130.  #130April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    Could it be there is healing in a situation we perceive as ‘unpleasant’?



  131.  #131April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    Starla,
    Yes, I see that.
    I was feeling impatient, and triggered by all my online CD’s, none of whom (except one) have directly suggested a date in real life.
    Makes me wonder if I’m doing something wrong.
    I need a formula – a script that I will write after two or three chat messages when no date has been suggested.



  132.  #132Sassy on October 1, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    Right now, at this point in my life, all I want is FWB. I don’t feel the need for a relationship or a forever partner, etc. don’t know how long I’ll feel this way, but, there you have it!!!

    Ruth, Memulo, where are you????
    Who else haven’t we heard from in awhile?



  133.  #133Iamabutterfly on October 1, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    @129 April Rose – I absolutely believe yes. I wouldn’t be here if extreme pain hadn’t driven me here…



  134.  #134MissStix on October 1, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    Molested…

    Ick ick ick blargh.

    When I was a little girl I told my mom a secret, and then she went and confronted someone. They went on the defensive and almost pushed her down the stairs. And called her a liar. She made the mistake of telling me so I said it was all a lie. I remember feeling so scared for my mom.

    And now…I have no memory of the actual “secret” and I don’t know if I did make up a lie or not. And that feels like claws inside my tummy.

    I probably did not lie. But I don’t know. To me, today, the memory is specific that I lied to my mom and then owned up to it. But…I have always wondered if I did not repress the memory out of fear for my mom.

    And the thing is…It dies not bother me. If it did happen. It is the NOT KNOWING that bothers me.



  135.  #135April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    Am I going against myself?

    The night where I brushed off a man to go to the cinema I wasn’t…

    Let me do more of that. I do ‘come when I’m called’ and often my rhythm breaks as a result.

    I intend to live true to myself.



  136.  #136Iamabutterfly on October 1, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    @133 Miss Stix – It is the NOT KNOWING that bothers me.

    You said it. That’s exactly it…



  137.  #137Daria on October 1, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    im had a big seeing!

    i see that i associated being seen in a big way, with dying early or being imprisoned

    like martin luther king, joan of ark, um John Kennedy, pfff JExzus

    and! i just got that theres lots of people that didn’t get seen that also die early!

    theres no actual correlation here tho it seems there is and ive been told there is pfff

    its more like, these people got seen, and tehy also had the die early disease

    BUT

    they couldve not got seen and still had that die early disease!

    just like im not correlating noncommittal to marriage with being seen – martin luther king and bill clinton etc

    thats just another disease

    it just so happened these seen figures had the die early disease

    but they woulda had it ANYWAY

    and theres other seen figures that Dont have the die early disease

    oohhh

    awesome

    now i want to get this more and more



  138.  #138Daria on October 1, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    hmm i don’t do FWBs but i do take lovers hehehe



  139.  #139April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    Femininewoman,

    I realise I was hasty and possibly coming across that way (moving things along/being a masc. hunter).
    In hindsight I would simply have expressed frustration with the slowness of the process.

    But then I figured that you can’t say the wrong thing with the right man….?



  140.  #140Daria on October 1, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    oh also it may not even be a disease the die early disease

    at least in jexzyus seems to have done it on purpose to show people that theres life after by coming back but it seems the main thinking has to forgot that and thers just a lot of obsession with seeing him suffering and bleeding

    aww poor jezzus . i wonder if he woke up all the way and went to live with mary magd or if he only came back kinda ghostlike for awhile or waht



  141.  #141April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    Even with repetitive good intentions on my part, my connection with WM seems to miss the mark over and over.

    It feels painful.



  142.  #142Sassy on October 1, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    Daria, define what you believe is the difference to you between a FWB and a lover.



  143.  #143April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    It’s as if I have to be spot-on perfect with Rori’s tools or else there’s a mess 🙁



  144.  #144Daria on October 1, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    i also felt a loosening and a lil more compassion for police officers – humans that believe in fighting and putting down ‘bad guys’ – and that i could maybe be able to talk to them without feeling completely tightened up

    sigh

    oh life this feels challenging!

    id like powerful and easy please!

    tahnk u

    all this rage fear and humiliation – i love YOU

    i can be the one that speaks and all beings hear me and feel me and heal thru me

    and i dont have to have the die early disease

    pfff



  145.  #145coco kisses on October 1, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    We have to go first.

    No matter how scary it is. No matter how risky it feels. No matter what our brains are telling us and our friends are telling us – we need to expose our hearts and tell the truth.

    And then – if a man still wants to keep his doors locked, we have to stop pounding on them and simply move away.

    We can’t force a man to open his doors. We can only invite him.

    And you have SO much more power in your invitation (and in your walking away) than you think you have!

    I love this, and this has never been more true for me at this point in my life.



  146.  #146Daria on October 1, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    Sassy – a fwb is a ‘friends’ situation which winds up feeling bad for me. it feels casual and i get that the man is not so into me. shoot he may be dating women and treating them better than me all in my face …

    I feel better with being treated special, dates, respect, put on a pedestal by my lovers



  147.  #147Smile on October 1, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    I don’t want a birthday this year. I didn’t celebrate it last year either. I feel pressure to get all my friends together at the same time as this is what my friends do and what I have done in the past. It can’t work like that. Not all my friends are available to celebrate. It feels like effort.



  148.  #148Smile on October 1, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    I feel sad and unloved that I won’t have a birthday celebration but it’s my choice. I prefer it this way.



  149.  #149Smile on October 1, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    I feel lucky to have amazing friends. True friends. This is not a measure of their friendship.



  150.  #150Smile on October 1, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    But I will be celebrating a few days before with my family.



  151.  #151Smile on October 1, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    Hm maybe I’ve outgrown the ‘birthday bash’..



  152.  #152April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    I feel sick.

    I feel trapped.

    I have an urge to beat myself up. My judge says I made great progress last month when I ran away.

    I opened myself to new men.
    Then I came back to the old situation where the cycle has returned to its former state.

    I feel utterly lost



  153.  #153Sassy on October 1, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    Hmmmm, and do you specifically have “relationships” with your lovers?
    I feel very intrigued by this dynamic.



  154.  #154coco kisses on October 1, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    i feel sooooo very good with learning to be a feminine feeling woman!!!!! it has freed me, I no longer have to feel afraid of my feelings even the negative ones. I can say how I feel without any fears, and I am learning to release wanting control of outcomes. It really is in the energy. “IF” you call a man and your energy is wanting to control any particular outcome, then you are leaning forward…I realize now that by stating how I feel, what I want, what I do NOT want, and understanding that any man not willing to comply is NOT the one for me, I can keep on stepping….to the tune of my own drum



  155.  #155April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    Smile,
    Why not let your friends know what sort of birthday you would like?



  156.  #156Smile on October 1, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    April Rose, they’re just not available 🙁
    Stuff like parents eve, operations, got tickets to concerts etc my best friend has a friend who turns 30 at the same time so is going to her party as it’s a special one, some friends live too far now or have babies, that leaves friends from different friendship groups who dint really know each other. I’ve tried during the week proposals and weekend. It’s just not cOming together in a way that would ‘work’
    I do feel thankful for my friends though.



  157.  #157Smile on October 1, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    Oh and I’ve been invited on a work collected hen do that weekend too.



  158.  #158Smile on October 1, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    *collegue



  159.  #159Belle on October 1, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    127
    AR
    yes thank you, I felt scared that blathering on about my pain caused someone else pain and it was my fault and I couldn’t be there to help them through it and I felt bad and wrong to go on about it so much and get someone else upset and
    a whole can of worms
    that I couldn’t control
    got opened
    and someone might get hurt
    because I have terrible boundaries
    and I’m so used to living with crap that
    i forget other people aren’t used to
    the stuff that is normal to me
    blah
    😀

    I felt like I had to back away (I went outside to hoop) and not make things worse.
    I feel better now, and I feel soothed by iama’s reassurance, thank you!



  160.  #160MissStix on October 1, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    Coco kisses

    Yum!

    Exactly.



  161.  #161Goddess Lily on October 1, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    Smile, I don’t get to have big birthday bashes either. I haven’t outgrown them. I really want to do stuff but it does feel like effort. My birthday is on Christmas so that doesn’t help anything. Now I feel sad, just another birthday about to go by. My first 29th.



  162.  #162Miss Bells on October 1, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    My comment 124 went to moderation. Don’t know why.
    The guy who sold me my car is now my Facebook friend.
    He is single.
    The car had a problem during the sale but before is was completed. It was still under warranty, but in his name. He is getting it fixed at the authorized shop–it’s been there a month.
    When it is done he will drives me down there–about 25 miles or so and help me pick it up. He will pay them and then sign it over to me.
    I like this guy…



  163.  #163Daria on October 1, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    wow im doing this 4th chakra tapping on something i feel ashamed about that i did

    and im gonna heal it!

    so dope that im getting to heal this

    i feel loved by me



  164.  #164Miss Bells on October 1, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    This was part of 124–let’s see if it gets moderated:
    OK–I need to compose my break-up letter or speech-depending on if I say it in person…
    Forgetting how much my heart hurts,
    forgetting that it is craziness on his part–truly
    that is making this happen–

    What do I say?

    I don’t want to be “friends” anymore–not like this.

    I have known him 26 years and we have been together, more or less, for five years.

    He knows how i feel about him, but pretends he doesn’t know when it suits him.



  165.  #165Miss Bells on October 1, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    Now the other half of 124:Do I wait until I get 90% of my stuff out?

    Right now I am so angry I won’t be able to answer the phone or email him back when he finally gets back in touch.

    He thinks everything with ME is normal–just as it has always been.

    He is saving a netflix to watch with me, the last of a series we have been watching for a couple of months. He has held it for almost a week. There is no evil wizard keeping us from watching it together. He could have just called me.

    I am not at all sure I could sit through a movie with him–or even be in the same house.



  166.  #166MissStix on October 1, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    ((((my mom))))

    I am slowly realizing just how much she experienced raising me up.

    She was a great mom. The only mom I could have had. No other mom would have “got” me like she did and does and just always has.

    I look back on fights I had with my mom and I feel an instense heavy feeling in my chest and it melts, dripping down to sit heavy in my gut. And I know now she was the only one truly on my side. Ever.



  167.  #167Miss Bells on October 1, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    Nope–got moderated again. No swearing, no s*x… I just don’t know.



  168.  #168Daria on October 1, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    Sassy – no, just dating… dating relationship? hehe

    man (men) im dating that i also choose to be sexual with



  169.  #169Daria on October 1, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    Miss Bells – Jezuz and pl*um the fruit go into moderation



  170.  #170Daria on October 1, 2012 at 2:46 pm

    i am getting to COMPASSION FOR MYSELF!!!!!

    heheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee



  171.  #171coco kisses on October 1, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    Honestly there is no rule saying my husband has to love me, or do anything for me. I realize that if a man wants you he will go after you. Although my husband calls me, and he made an effort (last min) to stop by the house, I can’t say that I feel pursued or even wanted. Of course this is the problem, the main reason why he left. The passion was gone for him, and he doesn’t know how to get it back. He also doesn’t seem to want to do any marriage programs. He SAYS he wants to sit down and talk, but his actions have not indicated that what he SAYS is true. I[m not worried about it…..I <3 ME



  172.  #172Tam on October 1, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    Smile I am the same with birthdays, I don’t celebrate and then feel kinda sad that I don’t..it feels too much hassle plus I have friends all over, so not practical. That makes me feel lonely sometimes. I do sometimes go for a meal with a close friend or two, which is not complicated…



  173.  #173Miss Bells on October 1, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    Still nothing from HS
    In spite of the fact that we have a couple of important work projects that he is in a big hurry to complete.

    Maybe he thinks I will call him.

    I don’t know why–I hardly ever do…



  174.  #174Miss Bells on October 1, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    ((((Coco Kisses)))))



  175.  #175Tam on October 1, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    Blimey, ladies, I have men coming out of my ears right now, it is so funny it is almost spooking me out. I feel weird. Just been to the gym and two guys walked past me staring at me saying ‘hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii’…then on the beach one ‘interesting’ man talking at me while I was sheltering trying to go for a jog….and as I got home my phone was jammed with messages from my two CD’s and one friend I have in common with MrP…isn’t it funny how it all happens sometimes?
    I feel a little overwhelmed right now, and a little bored having to answer texts and phone calls..haha!!
    Jeepers. 🙂



  176.  #176Brandylion on October 1, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    So I’ve gotten over 30 replies to the Craigslist ad I posted on Saturday. I don’t know how to decide which one to reply to and which ones to skip.

    I’m feeling skip for the ones that sent me a picture with no text.

    I’m feeling skip for the ones that didn’t write well.

    I’m feeling skip for the ones that didn’t provide any information about themselves but only commented on my profile.

    What do you all think? (I realize some of you are committed to not giving advice right now…)

    Starla, I’m especially looking your way here since you’ve had success with using CL to find CDs, if you feel open to commenting.



  177.  #177Daria on October 1, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    Tam – high 5! I feel happy !



  178.  #178Daria on October 1, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    Brandylion – yay! i feel excited to hear you got 30 replies



  179.  #179Daria on October 1, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    coco kisses you’re da bomb! your comments feel so soft and silky



  180.  #180Laughing Goddess on October 1, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    I feel so lucky and in love right now!!!!



  181.  #181Daria on October 1, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    i feel so happy reading the blog right now, i feel like clapping my hands and dancing



  182.  #182Daria on October 1, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    yayyy more LOVE!!! 🙂 🙂



  183.  #183MissStix on October 1, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    (((cocokisses)))

    Been there…I feel you. And you have exactly the right attitude!

    Who knows what life holds in store for you! You are worthy of passion and fire and being persued! And it will come from someone…



  184.  #184Tam on October 1, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    Daria, thank you!! I feel happy too, a little confused..I don’t know whom to date first..I have two stable ones, one recycled one (MrP) and a couple of others that I haven’t even had a chance to reply to…hehehe



  185.  #185MissStix on October 1, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    I feel very grateful to know, now, that men are creatures of the present.



  186.  #186MissStix on October 1, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    Oh yes…Yum. 🙂



  187.  #187Brandylion on October 1, 2012 at 3:19 pm

    Daria, #167: Oh, so that’s why when I inquired about Lone Pl*um on the last thread, it went into moderation!

    What’s the story with why that word triggers moderation?



  188.  #188Goddess Lily on October 1, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    173 – GO TAM GO TAM! WOO! I feel happy too 🙂



  189.  #189MissStix on October 1, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    Tam’s got options! And she’s in paradise 🙂 ow ow



  190.  #190Tam on October 1, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    Goddess Lily..haha!! 🙂



  191.  #191Tam on October 1, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    Miss Stix..exactly.. 😉



  192.  #192Brandylion on October 1, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    Stix: happy birthday!



  193.  #193Goddess Lily on October 1, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    My coworker wrote this for my profile. What do you all think?

    I am a fun, energetic and friendly woman looking for a special guy to spend time with me. I enjoy a variety of things including traveling, dancing, sports, watching movies and I am always up for a new adventure. I value my health and enjoy exercising and eating a balanced diet (sort of), but
    my passion for brownies and cinnamon rolls is still my Achilles heel! My winning smile and sense of humor are guaranteed to always brighten your day.

    I would like to meet someone that has a good sense of humor (I love to laugh) and has a kind heart. My ideal guy would be worried about what he could do to help others more than what he could do to impress them. I care way more about how you live your life and treat those around you than the car you drive or the house you live in. So if you are one of the good guys looking for someone to get to know better, send me an email.



  194.  #194Starla on October 1, 2012 at 4:00 pm

    yesssss
    i won tickets to see one of my favorite bands of all time

    the universe rocks



  195.  #195Starla on October 1, 2012 at 4:01 pm

    brandylion,
    dang girl, 30 replies
    hot stuff:)



  196.  #196April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 4:08 pm

    I feel really weird.

    Mucho emotion today.

    And interactions with four or five men.

    Suddenly I’m finding myself hung up on the one who treats me the worst.
    Feeling sick and scared about this.
    Dark nights and wintery days are coming, and I wish for a ray of summer sunshine in my heart.



  197.  #197April Rose on October 1, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    I just need a hug from my inner Dad before I go to bed
    (((((April Rose)))))
    Thanks Dad



  198.  #198Sassy on October 1, 2012 at 4:20 pm

    Strictly my opinion….but, that looks to me like two sides of the same coin.
    Personally I would much rather sleep with someone that I consider a friend, than some guy that I’m just dating. Do you really think he’s not out there having sex with other women he’s dating? Do you really believe he respects you for sleeping with him in a just dating situation? Sorry, that doesn’t make sense to me. I’m not trying to argue with you Daria, you do what works for you.



  199.  #199Sassy on October 1, 2012 at 4:22 pm

    Congrats Starla, enjoy!



  200.  #200Starla on October 1, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    Sassy, I’m choosing to forget about what “respect” is supposed to look like when it comes to sex. It’s my body and I choose to give it certain experiences. When my heart tells me something else would be better, I will honor it, too.



  201.  #201Starla on October 1, 2012 at 4:28 pm

    i like “i don’t do fwb, but i take lovers” very very very much.

    this looks like me cutting WarriorCD off of texting/chatting with me all day about mundane stuff like i’m his buddy.

    and more like us being romantic and sexy together.

    i did, cut him off text/chat today, by the way. I said, “i’m feeling very burnt out on text based communication and i think i’m going to boycott it for a while, but it’d feel great to hear your voice.”

    the end.

    i’m enjoying this new high maintenance me:)



  202.  #202Sassy on October 1, 2012 at 4:33 pm

    Oh Miss Bells, pop on over to the baggage reclaim site, there’s an article titled “when you wonder why they stay with you or keep coming back when they don’t want the relationship that you want”. It sounds as if it was written specifically for your situation. I hope it helps you get some clarity.



  203.  #203Stargirl on October 1, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    Starla and Ulii I am excited about your plans!

    2 1/2 years a go I broke up with someone I was crazy about. April Rose, I identify with your description of WM and thinking things over, like maybe it could have worked out… but I too feel like I missed the mark over and over. And really, I am trying to let go and accept that it wasn’t meant to be. I even had a dream recently that I wanted to know why he broke it off, and he said he wanted to focus on learning to fly a plane with his left hand only and with his right hand only. In the dream it made sense to me and I accepted it, and I felt more at peace afterward.

    After a long time of trying to get over him and several short relationships, I met a sweet guy and let my guard down with him, and he was my number 4. Although he recently eliminated himself from my CDs, I think it was a good step for me, and it helped me practice the new things I’d learned about taking care of myself first and letting him pleasure me.

    I have gotten too busy and forgotten to take care of myself lately, so I will have to get back on it.

    Miss Stix 29 and Goddess Lily 29 soon? My 29 is coming up in February- it feels exciting and comforting to know we have something in common.

    (((Coco Kisses)))



  204.  #204Sassy on October 1, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    And Starla, I will say the same thing to you. Do what works for you.
    My friendships with the men I choose to sleep with are very special to me, but I have no illusions or expectations.
    It felt as if you have to defend your choice to sleep with Warrior. It doesn’t matter to me one way or the other, we all have to live with the consequences of the choices we make, whether they be good ones or not.
    I did not bring up the subject of respect, I just leant my thoughts on the subject.



  205.  #205Starla on October 1, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    Sassy, you did bring up respect, and it felt intriguing to me.

    “Do you really believe he respects you for sleeping with him in a just dating situation? Sorry, that doesn’t make sense to me. ”

    it’s something I’ve thought about a lot. And even believed most of my life until now. And my beliefs are shifting a bit so…

    I just feel good hashing this out here, and getting clear with myself. It’s my safe spot, you know?

    🙂



  206.  #206Miss Bells on October 1, 2012 at 4:53 pm

    #202
    Thanks, Sassy!



  207.  #207Sassy on October 1, 2012 at 5:01 pm

    Starla,

    My respect comment was in response to Daria’s description in 145 about dates respecting her, putting her up on a pedestal, etc.
    I totally want you to hash your feelings out about this. I truly believe you have been wrestling with yourself about sleeping with him for a bit. I’ve been concerned about this because of all of your fall-out from CF. But you have come a long way.
    And I hope you will continue to feel safe here to go thru your process around this.
    Maybe my feelings around the differences between FWB and dating are a reflection of generational ideas. I don’t know, I just know how I see it and feel about it.



  208.  #208Tam on October 1, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    Oh, with all that excitement, I totally forgot to give the “it would feel good to have concrete plans’ speech to MrP. I am going to state my needs so as to not set him up for failure because poor thing doesn’t know that I have changed and do not accept last minute invitations/cancellations or ‘maybes’ again.
    This will be interesting…nice experiment!



  209.  #209Tam on October 1, 2012 at 5:08 pm

    hmm, how about that:
    It would feel so good to see you on Wed and I am free so far, but… tentative/confusing plans and the possibility of last minute changes/cancellations make me feel a little nervous. I don’t want that. So if it is a ‘maybe’ and dependent on any external factors or ‘people’ changing plans, I will pass up on it… as that doesn’t feel right to me’



  210.  #210Starla on October 1, 2012 at 5:09 pm

    Sassy,
    Warrior is no CF (sadly) and never will be. He is a horse of another color, with different offerings for me on my journey.
    (((((((((sassy))))))))))))
    ((((((((((me))))))))))))) (just cuz, hehe)



  211.  #211Tam on October 1, 2012 at 5:09 pm

    by people I mean other people..maybe I should state that.



  212.  #212Starla on October 1, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    also, i think your feelings (and rori’s) about fwb are super valid (and not uncommon).



  213.  #213Sassy on October 1, 2012 at 5:17 pm

    Miss Bells,
    You’re welcome. Please let me know if that resonates with you. I understand your feelings and dilemma surrounding this situation and it hurts my heart to see this confusion in someone that clearly wants it to work.



  214.  #214Sassy on October 1, 2012 at 5:19 pm

    Thank you, Starla. Yes, I get that he’s not CF and this is a whole new and different story for you to experience.
    A mama worries….all I can say bout that



  215.  #215Sassy on October 1, 2012 at 5:22 pm

    Tam,

    I’m gonna play devio’s advocate here….is nervous really the feeling you’re experiencing? Just curious



  216.  #216Tam on October 1, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    …Sassy: nervous and icky actually, that’s how I will feel on the day if there are no firm plans…
    I can’t think of another feeling that comes up as it isn’t angry..maybe anxious hits it better



  217.  #217Ulii on October 1, 2012 at 5:41 pm

    @ Sassy

    Although it wasn´t asked from me, I started to reflect on the difference between the concepts of FWB & Lovers and how it feels to me.

    As I have not had neither of these situations yet… it´s only based on my imagination how it would feel.

    And the main difference is that the first would feel bad and the second would feel good.

    FWB…I´d feel secon class, he might have other women he is interested in more than me, he can come & go when he pleases, he assumes I don´t have any expectations whatsoever…he´s probably not doing nice romantic things for me.

    A lover is totally into me. Ideally, he is in love with me, he’s energy is coming towards me. And I’m the only woman for him at that moment. There is lots of attention and romance and sexy moments. At same time there are some reasons why he can not be “my forever man” (I so like this term 🙂 ), some deal breakers to become my future husband (but not for a lover) or there are reasons why I don´t want to settle down just yet and still want to date others. And I am not so into him that I would be afraid having sex would “ruin it”… or something.

    I think a lover can be also a CD, but…

    In my usual CD-circle I´d be more careful about getting bonded by my hormones. And probably would wait a lot longer to get to know the person better before going into bed with him. At least I´d be more worried how sex would affect everything.



  218.  #218Ulii on October 1, 2012 at 5:46 pm

    @ Tam

    I did not check up all the blog from last few days, but seems you are doing marvellously well in Florida. Feels exciting to read you have men coming out of your ears there. 🙂 Yo go girl!



  219.  #219Ulii on October 1, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    @ 203, Stargirl

    Nice you feel excited…My lover-plan is not yet fixed, but I´ll be telling about the evolution on the subject. 🙂

    And it resonates what you wrote about getting over your ex (and also what Aprile Rose wrote about WM)… My ex M and I broke up last summer. And I have been doubting too and thinking “what if..”

    I feel very strange about the dream you had. It feels like a symbol of how there can be a totally silly reason for breaking up, and yet…it is like that and you just have to accept it´s reality. That maybe there never ever was a good reason, but it´s still over. So better to concentrate on what future brings.

    Thank you for sharing that dream!

    (((Stargirl)))



  220.  #220Sassy on October 1, 2012 at 6:07 pm

    Ulii,
    The beauty of this blog is just that…that everyone is free to post their comments, feelings and opinions about any post they want. I feel happy you were inclined to post, especially with the confession that you haven’t had the experience of either situation.
    Again, I will hold my opinion about what you think the differences between the two are. Suffice it to say I feel your description of a lover sounds more like someone you are actually in a relationship with, as opposed to a “dating relationship” as Daria called it.
    As has been said here many times, we each are on our own paths and journeys and will experience everything differently.
    I respect and appreciate each ones feelings, thoughts and process.



  221.  #221Sassy on October 1, 2012 at 6:09 pm

    Tam,

    “Anxious” sounds more authentic to me.
    I truly truly hope this works out exactly the way you want it to.



  222.  #222Ulii on October 1, 2012 at 6:10 pm

    @ Starla

    “my intention is to constantly affirm to myself that i am beautiful and desirable and he is blessed to have me as a lover

    i really would like to stop feeling like *i’m* winning THEM over. like *I’M* convincing THEM to want me.”

    I want to encourage myself with what you say here too, I´m not trying to convince anyone..:) they have to be totally into me on their own..! 🙂



  223.  #223Tam on October 1, 2012 at 6:15 pm

    Thank you Ulii and Sassy…as for it working out how I want it..actually, I want to be treated right and that’s the main prerogative right now.
    I feel happy and curiously unattached to any man or outcome right now. long may it last 🙂



  224.  #224Daria on October 1, 2012 at 6:18 pm

    Wow well i feel wayyyyy freer and happier

    No dread so much cleared guilt

    Ugh! I feel surprised at how much guilt I was heaping upon myself. And hiring her to beat me up for it.

    Wowie wowie

    So much tapping and yet yeahhh I shifted



  225.  #225Daria on October 1, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    ‘Do you really think he’s not out there having sex with other women he’s dating? ‘

    I dont know, nor am i interested lol

    ‘Do you really believe he respects you for sleeping with him in a just dating situation?’

    Mmmm??? *blink blink*. Does not compute. I believe he/they respect me because they treat me with respect. Why they respect me is not of my interest.

    I don’t feel confortable sleeping with a man without dating and romantic effort from his part. Calling me a friend (only) indicates to me that I’m not a romantic interest. My heart feels pain in those situations. My body gets sick when I have sex while my heart is feeling pain.



  226.  #226Daria on October 1, 2012 at 6:41 pm

    Lol my guess is because Rori wanted to see when lone pl*um would post one time when she left the blog , probably so she could connect w her then.

    She did come back at one pt, but under a diff name.



  227.  #227Daria on October 1, 2012 at 6:43 pm

    Hehe I sound like a robot



  228.  #228Daria on October 1, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    And now I’m feeling annoyed.

    Hmm am I judging myself? Perhaps, and feeling a lil tightened up. (((Daria)))
    It’s ok, this is new. Babysteps



  229.  #229Annie on October 1, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    1496: Dominique says:

    “Annie – @920 – Why did you friend him? Only you can answer this question. And if you feel overwhelmed at any time, you can just as easily unfriend him.”

    I didn’t fully think it through.
    Believed oh we must have unfinished business even after all these years.
    So felt curious about the message.
    Then on reflection was woaaaa, what am I doing.
    I don’t want to get dragged down into a pit of unhappiness with an ex who has just found out his wife cheated on him after 21 yrs.

    He was my first proper boyfriend.
    Was always so sweet to me.
    We were only 16.
    I felt a bit guilty I cheated on him after 2 1/2 yrs.
    I broke a boundary I do not want to agree to friendship or fb friends withmarried men unless I now then as a couple and the wife is happy about it and noooo PM all out in the open.
    I wasn’t thinking straight.
    It’s that ” oh we are all adults here, what is the problem? ” that is all seems ok on the surface to do this.

    Where on reflection and going deep, of course it does not feel good.
    No good can come of getting my energy tied up there.
    He is not my man.
    And whatever is going on with his wife is his business.
    I don’t want to get involved.
    I just get sort of, oh why has he shown up?
    How Bizzarre. what message does he have?

    I don’t want to get dragged backwards, especially with someone who is unhappy and is married. Even as a male friend.
    I’m sure he has loads of friends, so why on earth after 20 odd yrs he decides to contact me and pour his heart out who knows.

    Feels best to distance myself now, after being polite and engaging for a while and feeling sad for him.
    I told him I felt uncomfortable chatting about his stuff, and to me it felt best to move away from anything that felt bad and towards the stuff that felt good and made me happy.
    He said that was good advice, although I wasn’t meaning to advise.
    And hopefully he will now leave me alone.
    I need to do what is loving for me and be compassionate to me.

    ” re car accidents and men, I have had several, two of them serious. There were two different men in my life for each one, K for the last, and there was no question what was more important, me or the car. He rushed to the hospital to be with me.

    Even with my ex who had some serious “issues”, materialism being just one of them, the car was of no issue. He too rushed to the hospital though after care was a problem for him. I had to have others come and help me which feels sad in retrospect, but this one of may reasons why he’s an ex. xxoo”

    Ty Dominque

    I had no visible outward injuries.
    It was internal trauma and shock.
    He said it was obvious I was ok as I wasn’t injured.
    I felt an emotional mess.
    He doesn’t understand as he was ” well your alive and fine so what’s the problem. And his words felt cold harsh.
    I just wanted a hug.
    I felt like nothing.
    less than a object.
    less than a car.
    It still hurts me now.
    I am obviously still stuck.
    Frozen in time.
    I need to unfreeze it.

    I was unable to do fight or flight so froze. And my life flashed before me.

    xx



  230.  #230Daria on October 1, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    Soon I’ll feel easy, validated confirmed by my experiences, and passionate loved and free. I will feel secure in my self respect . Yayyyyyyy

    No more feeling tightened up. About dating multiple men. Like Rori said ‘yes I’ve been dating it feels amazing’. Ha

    Wooh!

    Party w freedom to be me



  231.  #231Goddess Lily on October 1, 2012 at 6:51 pm

    I feel scared
    I feel overwhelmed
    I feel unworthy
    I feel judgmental
    I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me
    I feel tension in my neck

    (I just joined match.com)



  232.  #232Daria on October 1, 2012 at 6:55 pm

    My husband will find me when I’m showing my full self like that and rebelling in life?

    But what if men Will judge me and fall off? Actually the opposite will happen, you kno it’s counterintuitive, seen it happen before. The ones who fall off the first batch are not the forever fighters Aaand will just get replaced by a huger batch of better. Oh joy superstar



  233.  #233Tam on October 1, 2012 at 6:57 pm

    ooh, I feel a mischievous grin on my face. I just sent my speech and feel happy that it’s me making the rules in MY life. It’s easy.
    It feels good to look after myself. I do feel sad for the me that used to wait for the phone to ring, used to wait for the invitation, used to take crumbs. I feel really strong right now 🙂



  234.  #234luzydel on October 1, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    I opened my profile on pof for a few hours yesterday, and got five emails and talked to one guy, but I felt so blank. Not exited at all, I was nice and polite, but it felt so fake, so not me….I closed it again. I am feeling disconnected to men lately.

    I like myself, my solitude, I even told “Dw” to stop contact. I have outgrown men, I want a deeper connection. Maybe I am evolving so much that I may not need a man after all. That will feel so liberating!



  235.  #235Daria on October 1, 2012 at 7:00 pm

    Remember when I thought requiring men to come to me would have men drop off cuz they’d think ima snob?

    That did Not go down. I’ve had men driving to me everyday the whole year. Score!! Way more men then before.

    That means Thid upgrade along w the ahead time dates will multiply my pool exponentially again.

    Getting me into the ‘good men’ pool as well.

    Score!!

    I think no name cd has dropped off and I feel a lil thinky and a lil relieved. I actually Do have potential lovers now, unlike last year. Tho the one I’m thinking of may not get to see me cuz his time is off. Somehow he always caught me still free but that won’t go down anymore w the planned dates.



  236.  #236Daria on October 1, 2012 at 7:03 pm

    No name cd I feel unsure about as I ft uncomfy w his pouting at the hotel.

    Oh I just thought of another man that could be a lover PhotoCD.

    Smiles yay I’ve broken my no lover curse. I’m in charge



  237.  #237Daria on October 1, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    Shoot now that I’m requiring such great treatment, just receiving it turns me on so that most of my dates could probably become lovers after a few

    Im steeped in romance



  238.  #238Goddess Lily on October 1, 2012 at 7:11 pm

    I’m gonna need a spreadsheet for this CDing stuff. I feel more fear than excitement. What am I afraid of? I feel bad saying I’m not interested in someone. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, especially when they put themselves out there first.



  239.  #239Femininewoman on October 1, 2012 at 7:12 pm

    Goddess Lily the content of the profile sounds good but to me it kinda reads like a resume. I would encourage you to rewrite it incorporating I feel and what feels romantic for you. I hope Daria helps you out with it.



  240.  #240Olympia on October 1, 2012 at 7:13 pm

    I have had a lover and friends with benefits. My lover was someone who had expressed his fondness and attraction to me many times over the course of our friendship. When I allowed him to be my lover, it was all about me and my pleasure, I felt so special. He was in an open relationship with a woman in France (she also had lovers), so my feelings for him grew to love, but I never felt any desire to “possess” him. His love and passion was freely given and I was more than happy to receive. It truly was a case of not having to do or be anything. It felt sensual and warm. It helped me love myself again and naturally ended when I wanted to look for a long term relationship.

    Friends with benefits, on the other hand, came from a place of insecurity. Guys that I wanted to win over with sex in college, I didn’t know how to be comfortable with myself. It hurt so bad when they didn’t want more, I felt desperate. I came off as cool like it didn’t matter that I wasn’t getting any love in return but it made me feel so bad about myself.

    I felt so proud of myself when I told LLcd that I did not want fwb, I wanted to date and get to know someone. I got asked out on a date the next week 🙂



  241.  #241Femininewoman on October 1, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    RE 187 there were some “words” and people felt unsafe about a stance she took and things she was writing about. Rest assured though that her happiness increased exponentially.



  242.  #242Goddess Lily on October 1, 2012 at 7:20 pm

    Daria, help! I don’t want to look like I am applying for a job.



  243.  #243Jim on October 1, 2012 at 8:15 pm

    Rori,
    You are right, cd’ing is the only way to go. I see a different woman every night, almost every night, all the while using what I’ve learned here. What’s good for the goose… right?

    I’m out there seeing what women have to offer me now. If they don’t have much… no need to even say good bye.

    I admit, at first and for a long time I thought cd’ing was just adding potential trouble to already perilous waters. Instead it’s a terrific way to weed the garden, not to mention get intimate views of the flowers and weeds.

    After all, we are all grown up now.

    So thanks again and best of luck here,
    Jim

    p,s, I posted this on your last blog, sorry didn’t see this one.

    I think I’ve learned the true road to equality, I used to like being there for a woman. Now? For lack of a better analogy, so to speak… I keep a balance sheet. I put out a little, they put out a little, they put out a little, I put out a little.

    Doesn’t matter that I make more money than most women or less than some, keeping expenditures on both sides to no more than 100.00 one person or the other is a good way to handle things.

    Like dinner, most times I pay my half and they get the message to pay their half. Works too.

    I’ve learned not to be a sucker just because I like women. I have learned wisdom and incorporate equality and fairness.

    I’ve had a few women I like cd’ing, at first, like I said, I was bothered. Now? I like it. I mean after all this is how I came to this conclusion.

    For years I put out the money, attention, love, time, responsibility and emotional stability. Then came the troll, I learned a hard lesson… life isn’t fair and it was never meant to be fair. So I stopped feeling sorry for myself, got wise, made new personal policies where we are all equal… all of us.

    Realized I still love women… changes were long past due. If a woman doesn’t like me cd’ing. Not my problem, after all she’s the one that’s triggered and those are her feelings, she needs to deal with them. I take care of my own emotional stability, growth, health and my overall self, thus let women do the same for themselves, all of them.

    Believe it on not, I must be doing something right because it’s all working for me, has been and will continue to.

    Again, thanks, take care and good luck here,
    Jim



  244.  #244Radlove on October 1, 2012 at 8:51 pm

    Jim,

    I wonder if you are bitter? I hope not. We lose a piece of our souls by teaching ourselves how not to feel.



  245.  #245Jim on October 1, 2012 at 9:07 pm

    Radlove,
    I don’t think I’m bitter, don’t feel bitterness towards anyone… not any more, sure there was a bump, more like a train wreck but who’s counting… life is good! In life, almost all of us get hit hard one time or another, some more often than others. No one is to blame, shit happens, we cope, we grieve, we live and go on living.

    I don’t know that I would or could say I don’t feel. I’ve felt my own hurt at times. Felt hurt others have gone through, things happen.

    I think most of us would like not to feel pain, suffering and all that. The thing is, all feelings are just part of our being alive, living.

    So much is done to feel. We go to the movies, that movie incites us to feel because we’ve gotten involved
    emotionally, be it from a safe distance, tho we are still involved thus we feel.

    Same in relationships… of any kind. Generally, what I’ve found is my feelings are directly connected and manifested by my actions of involvement. Very simple, very real.

    I also think it’s anatomically impossible to teach ourselves not to feel. On the contrary, feelings are one of the greatest feedback and inspirational mechanisms we contain.

    Thanks for your comment Radlove, No need to wonder but by all means… live and wander to your hearts content.

    Jim



  246.  #246Laughing Goddess on October 1, 2012 at 10:06 pm

    Jim, I feel curious if you ever feel inspired to pay for a woman rather than going dutch and if so, what is it about that woman or situation that inspires you to do so.

    …wanting insight into the mind of a man…



  247.  #247Laughing Goddess on October 1, 2012 at 10:08 pm

    Also wondering if you are wanting to eventually settle down with one woman or a satisfied with cd-ing long-term?



  248.  #248MissStix on October 1, 2012 at 10:13 pm

    Wow jim…

    I love the stuff about feelings!

    I think you are absolutely free to do what feels good and right for you. I think your post 243 reads as a little bit cold, but I don’t know the emotion behind it or it’s intention. I just know I felt very tense reading it. My body seemed to take insult.

    My main intention in this process is to learn to feel my feelings instead of fearing them or harshing on myself and chastising and correcting. It keeps me from a) accepting mistreatment and swallowing it down to fester in my gut and make me, yes, bitter. b) It teaches me how to know if a man is interested in me, or the same things I am. If he is, it teaches me that I am good enough and worthy enough to receive it. And if he isn’t it teaches me I am good enough and worthy enough to walk away. Feeling a lot of stuff but still emotionally intact. c) that I can date other men if a man is not interested in the same type of relationship I am, at the same level of committment as me. And, yeah, keep dating him. If he’s interested in putting in the effort.

    It feels odd to be saying this actually because i’m not even CDing in the technical sense. I am just sinking into an awareness and getting comfortable with what I feel when i’m around other men.



  249.  #249Smile on October 1, 2012 at 10:54 pm

    I have to much to do 

    Overwhelming feelings. I feel anxious, tingling all over my body. Lump in my throat tightness, waves of nausea.

    I feel like I put too much pressure on myself. I can’t do anything less than perfect.

    Im balancing it out and trying to do less but that’s what’s making me feel anxious. I feel guilty when I have work to do but I want to relax.

    I love my job but I can’t keep this up till I’m 68. I prob won’t make it to 68 at this rate.

    Makes me want to save for the future. I’m ready to retire lol



  250.  #250Smile on October 1, 2012 at 10:55 pm

    Tam, what a speech!!!



  251.  #251Jim on October 1, 2012 at 11:04 pm

    laughing Goddess,
    Well, well, well!! Glad you ask! Do I ever feel inspired to pay for a woman? All the time, all the time, BUT I don’t, not anymore.

    Will I in future? I surely hope so with all my heart! BUT meanwhile, I quote a very dear and perceptive friend, “… Your a sweetheart beneath all your walls.”

    and I would like to add to that… “99% or the time, 99% of the people are wrong.” I don’t mind being 1% and when I’m 99%? I don’t mind learning a better way, most definitely, onward, back to 1%.

    Settle down w/ one woman, you ask? My answer to that is… Most men say attempting to understanding a woman is something tantamount to subscribing to the catch 22, oh well. Do I believe in fairy tales? No, because a fairy tale is just that, a fairy tale. I think the answer to that question really lay in a woman’s heart and the same goes for men.

    In other words… Don’t buy it unless your willing to pay for it with your life, because that’s exactly what your doing, both man and woman. Live with that, accept that, both sexes, that there’s no leaving option on the table,ever, accept that. Then you will find 2 people that live happily ever after. Or not, the smart ones do.

    Reality- The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

    Don’t know if you got a man’s perspective in general, now you have mine.

    Thanks,
    1%



  252.  #252Jim on October 1, 2012 at 11:32 pm

    MissStix,

    Sorry about your feelings. A few, more than a few years back I got rolled up and spit out. Tho, my awareness was always there in that regardless what happened “to” me, it was my feelings I was going through.

    No doubt in this life one really needs to know what they are doing.

    Dag nabbit Jed… some days are just harder than others!! What’s the trick? Make good memories, works for me.

    Your body seemed to take insult? Kinda like drinking whisky or smoking for the first time… it’s an acquired taste. If you want to drink, smoke or cd on a regular or casual basis.

    I found in life, what I feel is intimately connected to what I think and believe- always. Changing my mind, changed my life.

    Your healthier than you realize,
    take care,
    Jim



  253.  #253Tereana on October 1, 2012 at 11:35 pm

    MissStix – I was reading all about your birthday on the last blog post, and the other stuff you wrote and – OMG, girl, you have been through a LOT!!!

    I hope you got a really nice massage or something for your birthday because I’m sure your little body could use some nice, safe, lovin’ up. That sounds like some really serious early trauma. Being good to yourself is a good way to go…



  254.  #254Lucy on October 1, 2012 at 11:36 pm

    I feel intrigued by the fwb vs lover discussion! I love the way Daria (& others) described a lover. I am not sure what will happen with TN, not sure if he is right for me longterm, but it actually feels good to think of him as my lover for now. It’s way past fwb – there is romance, dates, passion, emotional intimacy, respect, him paying everything, adoring me, genuine love, pedestal, etc. so beautiful and feels really good & special.



  255.  #255Tereana on October 1, 2012 at 11:43 pm

    Wow, I feel hot. I just seriously truth-told with Vman.

    He accused me of “guilt-tripping” him when I asked him to do something to help me (and something else as well) and he said no. But I called him out on it.

    Yes, maybe I acted a little entitled when I asked, and then he declined to help. But in my opinion, he just made himself look like a selfish jerk. If he looks and feels like a selfish jerk, then that is NOT my fault. If I feel angry because I don’t like something, I feel angry. That is not a guilt-trip.

    He admitted that he didn’t care about the thing that I cared about. Okay. So it’s my responsibility, not his. I took the onus off him and put it back on myself. That does not constitute a “guilt-trip.” That’s taking responsibility.

    I just felt super triggered about a lot of it because my dad was always accusing my mom of guilt-tripping him about this and that. It got to be so that I almost saw “guilt-tripping” as synonymous with the (at least perceived) female “role” in relationship. But it’s also NOT the role that I want to play. I have been super conscious about NOT guilt-tripping Vman about anything, and simply telling my truth.

    But a man who feels “controlled” by a woman will often confuse his desire to help her with a kind of “guilt trip.” This is what I think happened with my dad a lot. And I could almost see it happening with Vman.

    I really don’t want to get caught up in a situation and dynamic like my parens had. I want to get over issues quicker, learn to forgive and accept the other person as they are, and move on and stay in the positive (as much as possible.) But I also don’t want to just lie down and accept something that isn’t true about me. I don’t give a crap if he feels offended at what I said or not. He called me out on acting selfish and entitled. And I admitted that I did. But I do NOT admit to guilt-tripping. If he doesn’t want to see the truth about himself, that’s fine. That’s his business. He doesn’t get to cop out and make me responsible for his “guilt.”

    Now way, buster. Not my job….



  256.  #256babysteps on October 2, 2012 at 1:28 am

    I am feeling frustrated.

    How does a person love someone and have no investment in the outcome? How NOT to care if the relationship goes on or not?



  257.  #257Annie on October 2, 2012 at 1:54 am

    Hi Jim.

    If you want friendships with lots of women and they are ok with that, I really don’t see anything wrong with that. So long as everyone is honest about it.
    That appears to be what you want on the surface.
    And is obviously what you want at the moment.

    I feel pain and anger from your posts.

    Do you think this is what you want long term?
    Or do you want to marriage eventually?



  258.  #258Tam on October 2, 2012 at 2:53 am

    Quick update…having a date with CDBig today…should be interesting…
    No news from MrP, hehe, I expected. Normally when we email he answers within minutes but the speech about wanting concrete plans for dates and being picked up and so has thrown him….’is that the girl I know?’ I can almost feel it…
    If no news from him by today 5pm, I consider Wednesday evenings potential date as cancelled and plan something else.
    I love my boundaries… 🙂



  259.  #259Tam on October 2, 2012 at 2:55 am

    (((Smile)))



  260.  #260Tam on October 2, 2012 at 3:16 am

    Jim, your post – the first one – jumped at me, it feels sad to me but if the women and you – everybody is on the same page and happy, why not.
    I feel sad and triggered to think people have given up on finding their one and think about financial stuff more than having a special person….but I do get it a little.
    Talking with English CD, he told me that he is fed up of women seeing him as a ‘walking wallet’ and he told me some stories that left my mouth wide open.

    I do feel good when a man wants to pay with me, but I don’t expect it and I know it goes against Rori’s stuff but unless I am just having drinks, I do at least offer to contribute. Mostly though, they want to pay. I don’t offer when it is my boyfriend and he said ‘please don’t worry, I never want you to touch your wallet when you are with me’ (which is what he said).
    MrP also does not take money from me so I never offer now.
    I must say, it does make me feel more romantic when a man takes the check – but from someone I just met I do not expect it.



  261.  #261ruth on October 2, 2012 at 3:23 am

    Hello

    I have read back
    SO much happening for everyone

    Tam, glad you are in FL and CD-ing

    BW-good for you for deciding what you want
    Lilibee–it feels amazing to read of your journey over the last few days

    Hm, Im now feeling anxious as I left so mny of you out!



  262.  #262Tam on October 2, 2012 at 3:25 am

    Hi Ruth!!
    Missed you!!
    How is everything??



  263.  #263Tam on October 2, 2012 at 3:30 am

    Hehe..I feel so curious and mischievous as to my speech and the response I am likely to get..I feel amused already that I didn’t get one yet…
    Being stubborn and uncommittal, I guess he will just try once more with a tentative confusing plan and when he sees that I don’t go for it (anymore), he might learn or he will drop me.
    And either would be fine….I have upped my degree of difficulty, and if it is too much bother then he ain’t worth it and I shall unceremoniously drop him out of my CD selection 🙂



  264.  #264ruth on October 2, 2012 at 3:43 am

    wow
    Now read back on this blog too
    Some interesting discussion on lovers vs fwb
    Starla, you do sound in control of it all and I expcect you will have some interesting experiences.You mentioned on a previous blog about having some *hangups* re S’x-so maybe this is how you are going to heal those, I dunno

    FWB would feel okay if I was getting lots of benefits!(ie, and not wanting any more than I was getting)
    I prefer the term “lover” though

    Makes me feel more cherished and special

    Hello April Rose-I hope your anxiety passes soon
    You dont heve to be perfect

    waving to Smile and Sassy and FW and Miss stix(happy Birthday)



  265.  #265Amazing on October 2, 2012 at 3:43 am

    i opened my heart to a man,the most interesting i met so far,i invited him- and walked away.It feels good!I did all I could, that always feels good!I just felt I had to do it,no matter what his answers,his answers were even better than i had expected and ge showed me all respect.Not enough though to stay and try harder,that would have felt totally wrong.So i invited him to see me whenever he wants in the future,and then i walked away.I am strong now.And whenever I think of him or feel his presence,it feels very good.I really like him and i really feel walking away was the right thing to do!



  266.  #266ruth on October 2, 2012 at 3:44 am

    Ive been busy running Tam!

    I feel tired but ok

    Sounds like the dating is going well

    (BTW, you have to get out of that place where the bloke naps on your bed in the day, ewwwwwww)



  267.  #267Tam on October 2, 2012 at 3:51 am

    Ruth..the choice is this or MrP’s Condo….I have not made up my mind yet for obvious reasons…and not quite the damsel in distress yet, but I might be in a few days….



  268.  #268ruth on October 2, 2012 at 3:55 am

    Yeah Tam, I know but ewwwww some bloke napping on your bed



  269.  #269Daria on October 2, 2012 at 3:56 am

    Goddess Lily – Rori says to start with the profile you initially write, then translate every sentence into feeling messages 🙂 Mine is all feeling messages



  270.  #270Tam on October 2, 2012 at 3:56 am

    I know!!! Eeewwwww…however, he hasn’t done it just yet, so far he has only ‘threatened’…and he threatened a few more strange things, like he has to make confidential calls and I will be turfed out for a few hours, that isn’t so bad except I am working on my computer also…I don’t even care about his confidential calls..I could just go into another room.
    Jeepers, is he with the CIA or what 😉



  271.  #271Daria on October 2, 2012 at 3:57 am

    and don’t wants. not in terms of men though, in terms of expression style



  272.  #272Daria on October 2, 2012 at 4:01 am

    also I feel a lil lost but I vaguely remember she said one profile with how we FEEL with ourselves in our life and

    a second paragraph with how we want to feel with a man



  273.  #273ruth on October 2, 2012 at 4:02 am

    Tam, that situ feels baaaaaad to me



  274.  #274Daria on October 2, 2012 at 4:06 am

    i feel so frustrated waking up sad

    ugh 🙁

    i feel so lonely in a weird way

    my dreams are so vivid and when they arent ending in great ways i feel thrown off most of the day unless i have an eventful day with people connections

    tonite i dreamt i was sleeping at a CD’s house, and then we were gonna go to a party w him and his fam last minute

    so then his female friend showed up – as she had earlier and gave me a bottle of tequila that i actually wanted a drink from

    and he’s like, yeah , actually i feel better going with u cuz they know u and i dno abt – indicating toward me

    i overheard and declared i was leaving and did, fake smiling and pist

    then as i was leaving i had to go over a road that was HUGE waves, so much that at the top i was crawling on hands and knees to go up

    other people were used to it and could just walk but i felt scared

    and hten when i got to the top of the hump, there were more waves in front!

    so i just slid back i didnt want to go forward.

    i had gotten a not good feeling about it on my way up anyway

    and then i was thinking aobut calling a cab and wondering if i had enuf money for that

    and thats when i woke up

    and i feel sad again



  275.  #275ruth on October 2, 2012 at 4:07 am

    Its funny how a dream can colour your whole day

    (((((((((((Daria)))))))))



  276.  #276Tam on October 2, 2012 at 4:11 am

    I know Ruth but it’s hilarious as I have a habit of endin up in the fire after the frying pan….but I have options. And I know at least that if I was in MrP’s Condo nobody would bother me at all. If I want company, I can have it but otherwise it is totally self-contained.



  277.  #277Daria on October 2, 2012 at 4:14 am

    ive been trippin

    i keep putting off what would feel good to me until i get to the US

    no wonder im feeling all depressed all the time

    its important for me to feel good NOW

    i can take myself out to see things

    i can go to the other city during the week, not just weekends, without my mom even, and get a chance to see my cousins

    that feels scary and tight in my heart

    i love the fear and tightness in my heart

    but no more ‘WAITING”



  278.  #278Daria on October 2, 2012 at 4:14 am

    thanks Ruth 🙂



  279.  #279ruth on October 2, 2012 at 4:14 am

    well you can lock the door at the condo cant you

    Just sayin—–



  280.  #280Daria on October 2, 2012 at 4:15 am

    “Men run away from women who try to take care of them—and run towards women that allow them to serve.” – Mama Gena



  281.  #281Tam on October 2, 2012 at 4:18 am

    279, yep….but I don’t even need to…nobody *dares* to disturb me..hehehe. 🙂



  282.  #282April Rose on October 2, 2012 at 4:25 am

    I am learning to love the mess….

    emotions can feel messy.



  283.  #283April Rose on October 2, 2012 at 4:25 am

    Hello Ruth,

    Nice to see you!



  284.  #284April Rose on October 2, 2012 at 4:26 am

    I am on my way out, to have a date with a man 19 years younger than me.
    He seems very keen!



  285.  #285April Rose on October 2, 2012 at 4:26 am

    Will tell you later how it went.



  286.  #286Daria on October 2, 2012 at 4:27 am

    mouth open!

    ive bwen putting me on WAIT

    omgosh

    im so sorry babe

    im def going to do soemthing fun right now, even if it has nothing yet to do with getting out the house

    gonna find a fun show for u to watch

    ohhh poor baby!



  287.  #287Tam on October 2, 2012 at 4:36 am

    April Rose – yay!!



  288.  #288Daria on October 2, 2012 at 4:41 am

    i feel so happy to get this! also the tapping last nite released a lot of my lurching and horrible feelings that kept me obsessively thinking of my godson’s mom whew so now i have more eye for my own life



  289.  #289Daria on October 2, 2012 at 4:44 am

    i feele so happy! i found y happy again no more waiting wilting listlessly away ohhh pooor daria



  290.  #290Siren Angel on October 2, 2012 at 4:56 am

    Good morning Sirens!

    I feel and happy and smiley. M and I had a very nice weekend away. Even though it rained the whole weekend, we did a small hike and the air felt so misty and earthy. We did a lot of snuggling. And, he confided a big secret to me he hadn’t told anyone and that had been bothering him all week. He is being extra attentive and caring… and… wow… Talking about future plans ‘if we had a place in this area’… ‘it would be a good investment to buy a place here and since you work from home you wouldn’t be in a rush to get back across the border on Sunday’ and so on. As well as making another weekend away plans for when we don’t have the kids next.

    I know this does not solve the kiddie situation, and therefore a future together, however I feel hopeful that we are moving in the right direction and that he will come up with a solution to ‘fix’ this like a good man.

    I feel wrapped in a warm cocoon with him, all melty and warm and sweet scented. I also feel safe and solid and just know he will somehow find a way to make this slide with the kiddies.

    Also, I am super excited to be going out to meet a Siren tonight!!! M asked this morning, very ‘subtely’, ‘so who are you going out with tonight’ and then ‘where do you know her from’… hum… I believe he is somehow worried. Then he said ‘well, even if it was a boy, I can’t say anything’.

    I feel full of hope we will be back together with the kids soon.



  291.  #291Tam on October 2, 2012 at 4:59 am

    Ooops, I just saw that sentence:

    ‘And you have SO much more power in your invitation (and in your walking away) than you think you have!’

    Loving that. I invite and if I don’t get offered what I need then I walk. Power.



  292.  #292Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 5:02 am

    OMG April Rose



  293.  #293Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 5:12 am

    babysteps everyone is different so you have to keep trying till you find some sort of balance. It is not always easy. Even with kids we have to love them, relate to them without being invested in an outcome for their lives. Wanting good and speaking to people’s potential is worthwhile in my opinion. The problem many of us face is that we project our desires and keep repeating and pushing our agenda to the point where others feel resentful and obligated. Everyone wants to know that they can live a life that they feel happy with and that they can make their own choices. For me when I pull back and look it kinda feels disrespectful when I am dealing with people who seem to be pushing their agenda on me.



  294.  #294Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 5:12 am

    Heya Ruth. Good to see you back.



  295.  #295Daria on October 2, 2012 at 5:18 am

    ohh im still getting huge thoughts of WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING!!! DELAYING MY FUN LIKE THAT!!!!!

    aahhhhhhh

    i feel teary with joy

    ((((((((((((((((((((((((Daria))))))))))))))))))))))))



  296.  #296Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 5:18 am

    SO – what IS “normal”?

    And does it really matter anyway?

    Jamie’s mother taught her that she can’t have a good man all to herself. So she’s attracted to and attracts men who aren’t interested in long-term commitment.

    This – for Jamie (and for lots of us women, too) – is NORMAL.

    So let’s start with Jamie’s “Normal.” Let’s say her self-esteem and belief in herself, and her belief that she deserves a great, committed, lifelong marriage are really, really low. They hardly score on the scale, they’re hanging around the bottom rungs of the ladder, they seem lost forever.

    And the end result she wants – a “normal” that looks like Happy Ever After, seems like a rocket ship launch away from her – it seems impossible.

    So – what’s the way to start moving up the ladder, weighing in on the scale, finding her man and getting a NEW “Normal”? (There’s a whole section in my Reconnect Your Relationship program around getting a new Normal – you can read more about it and listen to some of it here.)

    It’s step-by-step. The only way is to put one foot in front of the other, one moment and one Rori Raye Tool at a time. The amazing thing is – a few moments, and things change. They really do.

    Here’s a Tool for Jamie – “He’s Not The Only One”:

    1. Imagine yourself in a room full of wonderful food, decorations, great music, and hundreds of beautiful men.

    2. Imagine your inconsistent man is there.

    3. He’s looking at you, and the expression on his face is distant and cold.

    4. Now Imagine that all the hundreds of beautiful faces of the beautiful men in the room who AREN’T your current, inconsistent man are turned to YOU, and that the expressions on all their faces is of desire for you, and a desire to MAKE YOU HAPPY, whatever it takes.

    How does that feel?

    Most likely, it feels…scary. When we get used to taking crumbs, our systems go on overload if we even IMAGINE having a glorious, full-out, total, committed relationship.

    So start with this step of imagining, and we’ll take it from there…

    Love, Rori



  297.  #297Siren Angel on October 2, 2012 at 5:19 am

    Oh… and reading some posts here and what Jim brought up about ‘paying’ I feel a vague ‘yuck’. I never pay for anything.



  298.  #298MissStix on October 2, 2012 at 5:19 am

    Thanks tereana! 🙂 Jeez…A massage would have been a good thing to ask for and I did not even think of it!



  299.  #299Daria on October 2, 2012 at 5:20 am

    oh no!



  300.  #300Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 5:23 am

    You’re so afraid that the other shoe is going to drop that you live your life in a state of constant anxiety – working yourself up about whether he’s going to call you, or whether he’s going to text you, or whether he’s going to be attracted to you, or whether he’s wants to commit to you, or—

    STOP!

    Driving yourself crazy is tiring.

    There’s no worse thing you can do to yourself – all because you tend to think of the worst-case scenario and work your way backwards.

    From now on, how about you assume that everything is GREAT?

    He likes you. He’s attracted to you. He wants to see you again. He’s going to call. He’s looking for true love. No doubt about it.

    If, for some reason, this proves not to be true, who cares? You just move onto the next guy.

    But to put yourself through this amount of worry when a guy really DOES like you?

    To agonize when you’re seeing a good guy who is doing the best he can?

    To watch your head spin when he’s a loyal boyfriend who is genuinely trying to figure out his future with you?

    Not only do you end up making yourself miserable, but you’ll end up making HIM miserable as well.

    Unfortunately, many women let these kinds of thoughts defeat them.

    The last promising guy on Match turned out to be a liar, so you give up on online dating.

    The last guy you slept with pulled away two weeks later, so you take a semi-permanent dating hiatus.

    The last boyfriend you had was selfish and verbally abusive, so you decide that all men are this way and view them thru a lens of fear and scorn.

    And where does that leave you?

    Jaded. Fearful. Negative. Bitter.

    Alone.

    EMK



  301.  #301MissStix on October 2, 2012 at 5:27 am

    Jim

    Be careful saying “i’m sorry for your feelings” around here 😉

    I, too, find my feelings are very deeply tied to my thoughts. I also call my physiological reactions to events, words, people etc. feelings. Emotions don’t have a monopoly on feelings in my world…

    And thank you again for a male perspective on feelings. It’s really priceless.



  302.  #302Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 5:27 am

    How To Use Curiosity & Self Interest
    To Your Advantage
    ***********************************

    Two of the most powerful forces in the human mind are

    *Curiosity &
    *Self Interest

    And here’s the BIG SECRET!

    When you combine the two, you have a recipe that WILL work ‘magic’

    So…

    Let’s look at what you can say that works nearly EVERY TIME.

    In a friendly tone:

    “Hi John. It’s Cindy. I wanted to let you know I appreciate what you did for me. Call me because I want to thank you in person.”

    Do you see how that uses BOTH curiosity and self interest?

    John will NOT be able to resist! “What did I do?” “What does she appreciate?” he will be thinking. And he feels good because it is a positive message

    Lisa Harris



  303.  #303Siren Angel on October 2, 2012 at 5:33 am

    BW,

    From previous post, (((ButterflyWings))). You are so strong, it is an inspiration. I may need the same courage soon, although right now I feel I am doing the right thing and I feel hopeful things are moving back to where they were.



  304.  #304Siren Angel on October 2, 2012 at 5:35 am

    BW,

    I REALLY admire your courage and strength. (((BW))) And I have a feeling TH is going to step up rather than risk loosing you.

    xx



  305.  #305Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 5:39 am

    cocokisses I find this article an interesting read. Thought I’d share it.

    “If you’re serious about Saving Your Marriage, then you need begin by dealing with two realities…
    First of all, the reality that you need to successfully deal with your existing problem. For example, how Eddie will handle Melanie’s separation from him.

    Second, the reality that there is a deeper issue here. Melanie left because there is a deep problem that needs to be uncovered and solved. Solve that, and you have a happy marriage. (More on that later in a second)

    Back to the first reality…

    When it comes to saving their marriage this is where most people blow it…
    After many people find out that their spouse left, or stated that they do not love them anymore, many of us do four destructive things.

    These four things not only make matters worse, but many times push the other spouse even farther away and closer to the divorce.

    Here are the four things that Eddie fortunately avoided doing after Melanie left:

    1) Begging Melanie to come home
    2) Telling her he’ll change
    3) Calling her frequently
    4) Making her feel guilty for tearing up the family

    It was important for Eddie to resist the temptation to fall into these and many other common defenses after Melanie left.

    If he wanted to save his marriage he knew he needed to avoid making the situation even worse. What he needed to do was to validate her feelings and be very careful about pushing her any further away.

    Here’s the problem with these four almost too common mistakes…

    Common Mistake Number One…
    First of all, if Melanie wanted to come home she would not have left in the first place.

    Asking her to come home would only invalidate her. It would tell her that she does not have the right to be honest about her unhappiness and do something about it.

    It would tell her that she is not okay.

    Instead here is what Eddie told her when they talked two days later. (He gave her 48 hours to be alone – again very important)

    ‘I understand why you left. You have been asking for a change for 11 years and I have not given it to you. I am sorry. You have every right to be unhappy and I understand why you went to your mothers.’

    He confirmed that he did not want a divorce, and he understood that very serious changes were needed and he did not blame her for leaving.

    That’s all he said to her.

    Instead of breaking down, he asked to talk to the children. He reaffirmed to his two children that everything would be fine and that he loved them very much and he would come down on the weekend and take them to the park.

    Never did he blame their mother and never did he stop being a father.

    Common Mistake Number Two…
    Second, telling someone you will change after 11 years feels fake. They know you are desperate. And desperation is unappealing. Melanie wants a strong man.

    A man who is confident, aware of his needs and her needs.

    So, Eddie never made the claim that he ‘will change’ or ‘is changing’. Instead he decided that the best thing he could do is move forward and implement the tools he learned in my step-by-step marriage saving system.

    How did it work?

    Read an excerpt from Melanie’s letter.

    ‘…It was very strange to me. I saw something in Eddie that I had never observed before, a confident humility. The result of it was a softer more compassionate person both towards himself and his family. At first I was a little skeptical. However, after 9 weeks I started to accept this change. The way he approached me and the children was different. For the first time…’ (More from this letter later)

    Common Mistake Number Three…
    The third thing Eddie avoided was calling Melanie frequently.

    He knew that she was controlling the situation right now. He could either fight it or submit to it. So he made a decision to call every night to talk with the children (again, still taking his role as a father very seriously) and only talked with Melanie if she wanted to talk.

    If she initiated the conversation he engaged. If she wanted to argue, he would let her vent her frustrations without attacking her.

    He learned how to open her up, getting her to talk by asking open ended questions. A new skill he learned in Saving Your Marriage Made Remarkably Simple System.

    This was something that he never learned how to do; his father and all the other men in his family were very withdrawn. Very few of them were good at communicating or expressing themselves. Or worse, none of them ever did a good job at helping anyone else feel comfortable or vulnerable.

    His entire life he thought that this was normal, but after going through my Marriage Saving System, he learned it was anything but not normal, it was a terrible dysfunction.

    A dysfunction he fixed. (More on that in a minute.)

    Common Mistake Number Four…
    The fourth issue he decided to avoid was to make Melanie feel guilty for tearing up the family.

    Melanie was not perfect. He knew that, and she acknowledged the fact. However, Eddie decided to take responsibility for his own problems. By living in that reality he became compassionate towards Melanie and never used the children to make her feel guilty.

    By avoiding these four destructive habits, Eddie made it a lot easier for Melanie to see the changes in his life.

    “Why?

    Because doing any one of the four things I mentioned usually makes the other person defensive and that is the last thing you want to do. He avoided stirring up negative emotions.



  306.  #306Tam on October 2, 2012 at 5:41 am

    I am thinking of fitting another CD into my life…it may get complicated time-wise, but if MrP steps down I have two that seem very nice waiting in the wings, they have been bugging me for dates but I can’t fit anyone else in right now.
    😉



  307.  #307Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 5:55 am

    Sounds exciting Tam. I found a FM that I think Daria had shared some time ago Here it is:-

    I want to feel special and romanced and pursued and I don’t feel that way when it seems I am just one of the crowd. What do you think?



  308.  #308LiliBee on October 2, 2012 at 6:01 am

    290:

    Hi Siren Angel! 🙂

    I’m glad you had a great weekend.
    I miss those types of romantic weekends.

    @”Also, I am super excited to be going out to meet a Siren tonight!!!”

    Me too Me too!!! 🙂

    Did you get my message?
    Does it work for you?



  309.  #309LiliBee on October 2, 2012 at 6:10 am

    300:

    Yyyyaaaa…that’s totally me, ending up attracting more of what I try desperately to avoid.

    I got myself outta that exhausting roller coaster ride.
    Felt like I was holding on for dear life.

    Reminds me of the girl who chose a relationship with a player in the movie ‘Crazy, Stupid, Love’.
    She knew he was a player and turned him down when he was playing the game.
    He fell in love with her, the only woman to turn him down.
    He could not play the game with her.

    I felt so inspired by that movie.



  310.  #310Daria on October 2, 2012 at 6:16 am

    Thank you for showering!



  311.  #311Tam on October 2, 2012 at 6:18 am

    307..oooh FW, that is a copy and paste jobbly..I love it, thanks to you and Daria..

    Now I have a predicament. One of my CD’s, the German guy who lives away from here, has asked me if he can come for a whole weekend, Friday to Monday – he will stay in a hotel but he wants to see me. I feel shivers down my back. The thought of spending a whole weekend with a guy I am not at all keen on, and with baby and baby mama drama, just seems like such a huge waste of my time…
    what shall I do/Say? I don’t want to hurt the guy, and would love to have a dinner with him but he cn’t just take a 6 hour roundtrip for an evening…and also, the fact that he is long distance also doesn’t sit well with me.
    How do I get out of this?? Hrmpf.



  312.  #312Annie on October 2, 2012 at 6:21 am

    302: FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    How To Use Curiosity & Self Interest
    To Your Advantage
    ***********************************

    “Two of the most powerful forces in the human mind are

    *Curiosity &
    *Self Interest

    And here’s the BIG SECRET!

    When you combine the two, you have a recipe that WILL work ‘magic’

    So…

    Let’s look at what you can say that works nearly EVERY TIME.

    In a friendly tone:

    “Hi John. It’s Cindy. I wanted to let you know I appreciate what you did for me. Call me because I want to thank you in person.”

    Do you see how that uses BOTH curiosity and self interest?

    John will NOT be able to resist! “What did I do?” “What does she appreciate?” he will be thinking. And he feels good because it is a positive message

    Lisa Harris”

    I feel confused about this advice.
    If I did this I would have an agenda.
    I would be leaning forward and chasing.
    Isn’t this the total opposite of what Rori advocates?
    Or am I missing something?
    She is initiating by doing this and leaning forward.
    Masculine energy being the leader.



  313.  #313Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 6:30 am

    Annie thanking someone for something they did for you sounds like giving back to me.



  314.  #314Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 6:32 am

    Tam did he say why he was coming? Are you sure he doesn’t want to do some me time with himself relaxing or sightseeing? Also did you share that you have reservations about LDRs?

    Why is he asking your premission to come?



  315.  #315Tam on October 2, 2012 at 6:37 am

    314..he is asking when would suit me, FW, because he wants to spend from Friday eve until Sunday eve with me doing stuff….and it’s too much for me actually. It doesn’t feel good, because of all the reasons I have mentioned. No, I have not said anything about the long distance but he once said ‘oh, you can move here’. Of course he can’t move as he has a young son. There is no way I’d consider moving or even move to where he is, my life is here…even if i REALLY liked him that would be far fetched and as it is, the hairs on my back are standing up. I feel cornered.
    Not good.
    I sdon’t know how to bring that across…yes, a bot of sightseeing and a dinner would feel good but almost 3 days feels very scary and not what I want at all.



  316.  #316Tam on October 2, 2012 at 6:38 am

    he is asking ‘permission’ to come because he wants me to be free on all those days, just for him. Yikes.
    We had a really nice two dates in Germany, but I did not even feel like repeating them and when they were finished I was happy.



  317.  #317Tam on October 2, 2012 at 6:47 am

    I feel a little bit pushed as I am a private person fundamentally, and like my own space and being able to retreat. I feel cornered with his request. It would be different if we saw maybe Saturday and he left again Sunday morning or so, less pressure.
    I guess it feels good when I am with people who respect my privacy and let me be free to actually say what feels good, rather than assume that I want to spend a whole weekend with them. He wasn’t asking if I was happy with that, he was simply asking which weekend suits me best..eek.
    It is perhaps the reason why I feel comfy with MrP, because he knows how I tick (as he ticks the same), he respects my personal space as it is perhaps larger than most people’s. It is a little the fear of intimacy, I guess.
    I wouldn’t be too excited with anyone I hardly knew, spend a whole weekend with them, but with a guy that I am not into at all, seems like a weekend prison sentence..eek.



  318.  #318Annie on October 2, 2012 at 6:49 am

    I feel in agreement, it sounds like giving back to me too.

    I don’t get why someone wouldn’t thank someone in the moment and feel the need to initiate contact. Lean forward. Make something happen with an agenda so they would call back, trying to make something happen,
    That does not feel like giving back to me.
    And telling a man what to do. ” call me”
    That was the point I wanted to make.
    This to me feels off to what Rori is advocating.

    Can understand it may not feel that way to you though.



  319.  #319Annie on October 2, 2012 at 6:49 am

    Above for FW



  320.  #320Annie on October 2, 2012 at 6:53 am

    So thanking someone in the moment sounds like giving back to me too.

    But not by ringing them after the event, initiating and asking them to call me back.
    That feels very masculine to me.



  321.  #321Goddess Lily on October 2, 2012 at 6:58 am

    Still feel overwhelmed. 13 hours on match, most of them overnight: 14 winks, 3 emails. I don’t know how I feel about winks though. It’s like being poked on fb, feels impersonal .



  322.  #322Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 7:24 am

    Miss Stix,

    248 – “My body seemed to take insult. ”

    Oooh! Rich wording!



  323.  #323Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 7:29 am

    Tam how about being honest and letting him know 3 days feel overwhelming? You just got back and while you are sorting out your life you want to take things slowly and not feeling like jumping into any relationship with 2 feet? You want to spend time with yourself feeling settled?



  324.  #324Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 7:29 am

    Jimmy,

    251 – “Don’t buy it unless your willing to pay for it with your life, because that’s exactly what your doing, both man and woman. Live with that, accept that, both sexes, that there’s no leaving option on the table,ever, accept that. Then you will find 2 people that live happily ever after.”

    I love this! I totally agree! Who we give our lives to has the power to completely destroy our lives…so choose carefully.



  325.  #325Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 7:32 am

    Jimmy,

    252 – “What’s the trick? Make good memories, works for me.”

    You just added to one of my purposes in life!

    Treasure pleasure! But it isn’t pleasure for the sake of pleasure. It is doing things that you can bet will create a happy, positive effect, rather than choosing a negative, unhappy path.

    Hmmm, how can I create a good memory today?



  326.  #326Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 7:34 am

    Lucy,

    254 – SOOOOO happy for you!!!! This must feel like paradise after all the time that’s passed since you longed for him!



  327.  #327Tam on October 2, 2012 at 7:34 am

    323..yes, thank you FW, that would feel good.
    I do feel a little sheepish though, as he is a nice person and I would hate to offend him.
    I guess still having trouble speaking authentically, fear of intimacy and so on.
    You know, a year ago or so, I would have just said ‘ok, I am free on such weekend’ – and then I would have fretted all the time until that date and worried and been annoyed with myself for not telling the truth. I was a pushover and a doormat trying to please people. However, it just felt bad and never got me anywhere…I was too afraid to speak my mind, but I am an adult. So I would rather offend myself than risking offending others.
    I have worked hard on myself to try and be more authentic but it does not come easily, and here we have it again….I need to learn how to handle myself in these situations. Feels uncomfortable.



  328.  #328Brandylion on October 2, 2012 at 7:35 am

    FW, #241: Thanks for the info. I inquired about her because I found a really great quote on CDing from her in my file of great CD quotes, and I realized I’ve not seen her in quite some time. 🙂

    Healing Waterfall, too, is one I have good quotes from and don’t recall seeing in a while. And Jasmine; she was on here a lot over the summer, and I haven’t seen her back since I returned from a few weeks off.



  329.  #329Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 7:36 am

    BabySteps,

    256 – I haven’t figured that one out yet. But what Rori says is that the more we CD, the less we feel invested in every single man. Then it feels more and more comfortable to not know the future with each man, and eventually he steps up.

    And during the process, we grow more confident, more skilled in relating, etc.

    But I still feel like I am baby stepping.



  330.  #330Jim on October 2, 2012 at 7:37 am

    257: Annie,

    “If you want friendships with lots of women…”

    At the risk of “triggering” you, words have specific definition(s) Thats how we all know what another is talking about, going through and so on. Friendships are one thing, acquaintances are indeed another. Of course there are casual acquaintances and closer ones. Some acquaintances become solid friendships… mostly over time, sharing of some mutual event and or experience(s). People naturally bond to some degree, for some length of time during their involvement in some common experience.

    When I’ve recently met someone and they call me their friend… that gets my attention because they are doing many things, besides being mostly presumptuous and apparently thinking they’ve got a grip on our relationship. Time tells all… to use a cliche.

    Like I said before, in life a person really has to know what they are doing.

    Almost all women I’ve talked with agree that lovers come and go. Yet they will love their children for life. Am I making sense?

    One post I read earlier, the woman knows when her relationship is over when the man no longer smells good to her, she’s changed and eventually he gets her message. And of course she stated she’s been with many men… so she knows when it’s over. I presume what she looks for next, besides Mr. Next is the exit sign.

    So what’s it all about? Sex.
    One can prepare food in all kinds of ways, so many ways, so many dishes and yet it’s still food with it’s basic ingredients prepared in a myriad of dishes. So Annie, is it all really just that simple?

    “That appears to be what you want on the surface.
    And is obviously what you want at the moment.”
    Annie

    Looks like you’ve got me all figured out!! 🙂

    My daughter calls me Sunday morning, I’m at work, I say my usual hello entertainment style and then say, “What’s up kiddo?” She replies, “I love you dad.” Upon telling her I love her too, she continues to elaborate with, “I just wanted to call you and tell you I love you.”

    NOW THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!!
    I do the same with her, and I can pretty much rest assured she’s never once had to worry wether she’s loved by her father. I know my place with her and my impact on her life… through out.

    Why people fail to take that responsibility with their “lovers” only serves as evidence why love fails on such a grand scale in our country. But then again… people do just exactly what they want to and they treat each other just exactly how they will.

    When I put myself out there for a woman, put the ball in their court, give them the power so to speak. it doesn’t take long to find out if I’ve given candy to a girl, a gold digger, security seeking agenda, or a mature woman who takes responsibility for what I’ve given with the gravity it merits.

    If I look good on paper to her, she generally looks better in my rear view mirror.

    Lets turn it around, if I don’t look good on paper to her, I generally look better in her rear view mirror. Right?

    Another one for you. “If her friends like you…” I’m just glad to know she thinks for herself.

    Everything aside, games, drama, our cultural idiosyncrasies. It all comes down to just one question everyone has to ask themselves, “Will I be there.” or “Am I still afraid to be there.”

    Then I look at Ms. Probable Future and ask myself the same about her.

    “I feel pain and anger from your posts.”
    Maybe your on to something Annie.

    Jim



  331.  #331Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 7:38 am

    Annie,

    257 – I spose I shouldn’t speak for Jim, but if you knew him and his history with women, you would know he is not trite or shallow a little bit. Yeah, I really would be breaching his trust to say too much. But he is capable of devotion and loyalty to a fault…way beyond that of the average man.



  332.  #332Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 7:39 am

    Or Tam or just tell him you feel pressured considering 3 days.



  333.  #333Dominique on October 2, 2012 at 7:39 am

    Annie – 229 – You ended up handling the FB thing beautifully, and even if what you told him was not advice per se, it was in that he took it as such, so you in essence helped him by taking care of you.

    Hmmm, yes I understand about your car accident. I had a similar situation with K where I didn’t have any serious outward injury though a bruised sternum is/was painful, and he was kind of like your man was, not dismissive as what your man seemed to have been, but also not, “oh you poor thing let me hold you until you feel better,” which is what we were both looking for.

    Men tend to process this kind of thing differently just like you wrote. No one is hurt badly, so no big deal. But to us it feels very scary and so big deal.

    They also tend not to fuss and hover as most any woman would. This is exactly the kind of behavior we as women DON’T want to be displaying when our man is sick or injured. Remember?

    So they tend to behave as they would want to be treated.

    If the man is worth it, you show him what you need and want, and he will get it over time if he’s the man for you. eg. “I feel really scared and shaky. I felt my life flashing before my eyes. A hug would feel so soothing right now. ”

    xxoo



  334.  #334Tam on October 2, 2012 at 7:39 am

    Radlove:
    ‘But what Rori says is that the more we CD, the less we feel invested in every single man. Then it feels more and more comfortable to not know the future with each man, and eventually he steps up.’

    I am starting to get that now. However, I actually miss feeling invested into a man because life seemed more exciting then. Right now my love life feels a little boring even though I am dating – it’s like a little job…no more and no less. Pleasurable but not exactly exciting. Perhaps I was addicted to the drama of being invested in a man who wasn’t stepping up.
    Scary thought.
    Maybe I liked the adrenaline rush and the longing. Very very scary thoughts….



  335.  #335Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 7:41 am

    Healing Waterfall I believed had changed her name but she has not been posting for a while. I believe her son was not well.



  336.  #336Tam on October 2, 2012 at 7:45 am

    332, FW thank you, hmm, it will be a mixture of all of the above 🙂 thanks for the suggestions 🙂



  337.  #337Siren Angel on October 2, 2012 at 7:45 am

    Lilibee,

    Yes got the message sent you message by FB last night.

    Yeah!



  338.  #338MissStix on October 2, 2012 at 7:50 am

    Annie

    I’m leaning towards the same thoughts…

    I would feel highly un-comfortable doing this too…

    “…Call me i’d like to thank you in person…”

    hmmm and I see the agenda too. And I also see no need for a message like this if I am being actively persued. When we are receiving active persuit there will be enough contact and offers being given that thoughts of playing on curiosity and self interest (of the man) should not enter our minds. The only time I may have an urge to say something like this is if I didn’t feel fully confident the guy would contact on his own and in that scenario i’d be in full on “lean back and take care of me” mode. Simply feeling those urges and actively NOT acting on them. The last thing I would want to do is format a msg with the intent of getting a man to see me in person. Either he hits me up and asks me or nadda.



  339.  #339Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 7:50 am

    If I look good on paper to her, she generally looks better in my rear view mirror.

    Lets turn it around, if I don’t look good on paper to her, I generally look better in her rear view mirror. Right?

    Really profound and thought provoking statements Jim. Life and experience teaches us some lessons. You are different (sounds very logicsal) your experiences are different, I respect them because you are the only one who has walked in your shoes.



  340.  #340Jim on October 2, 2012 at 7:55 am

    325, Radlove,

    “Hmmm, how can I create a good memory today?”

    bygollygeewillikers… that’s it! 🙂

    Jim



  341.  #341Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 7:57 am

    Daria,

    280 – “Men run away from women who try to take care of them—and run towards women that allow them to serve.” – Mama Gena

    If I find the opposite to be true, and a man desires to be treated like a prince, do I run?



  342.  #342Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 7:57 am

    April Rose,

    284 – Nineteen years younger? You go, Cougar Woman! More power to ya!



  343.  #343Brandylion on October 2, 2012 at 7:58 am

    A number of the men from Craigslist who have contacted me have said they’re just looking to be friends first and to see if anything develops.

    How have you responded to that?

    I want to say something like, “Oh, I’m not looking to make friends with men right now; I want to feel romantic when I spend time with a man,” but I have said in my profile that I feel good meeting new people until the right man for a lifelong commitment finds me. I feel uncertain; the FM I’d like to send back looks inconsistent to me.



  344.  #344Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 7:59 am

    Siren Angel,

    290 – Yay, glad it’s going so well! Do you mean you are meeting a Siren from the blog?



  345.  #345Starla on October 2, 2012 at 8:00 am

    Sassy, you are too sweet… I feel so special that you worry about me like a mama. I would love to have that in my life allll the time, hehehe.



  346.  #346Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 8:01 am

    Tam,

    291 – That stood out to me as powerful, too. My ever nagging question is how, oh HOW, do I walk? Just can’t seem to find the strength…

    If only one of my CDs would step up and be more than R is to me…then it would feel easy to walk away.



  347.  #347Goddess Lily on October 2, 2012 at 8:02 am

    Daria, thank you for the advice about my profile.



  348.  #348Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 8:03 am

    Brandylion maybe “what does friend look like to you. What do you see friends doing?”



  349.  #349Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 8:06 am

    Miss Stix,

    301 – Yes, Jim’s perspective on feelings and on many things in life really is priceless…he has been a personal friend of mine for close to two years, and I feel very safe with him. He’s a good man.



  350.  #350Starla on October 2, 2012 at 8:09 am

    The urge to contact CF and get that man “back” has returned.

    Aint that some sh*t.

    Just sharing



  351.  #351Tam on October 2, 2012 at 8:09 am

    346..hmm, about the ‘walk’ question Radlove, I feel weird, because for me a flick just switched. I have no idea what it was, all I know was that as soon as I started loving me, I just did not understand anymore why a man wouldn’t want to treat me like a princess. In fact, I now feel very frowny when I am being treated in any way that feels less than what I deserve – and I am not a ‘high maintenance’ woman, I just want to be respected and appreciated.
    That is all.
    I feel turned off at men who don’t get that. I also feel turned off at men who think I would jump at every chance to run after them and drop all my other plans to be with them last minute – this includes MrP.
    The silence from him right now is deafening because he must have suddenly realised that the game has changed. And that I have changed. And he now knows that I put myself before any man.
    And it remains to be seen if he can handle it.
    The other CD’s seem to, so if he can’t come to the party I have no problem of walking away at all.
    I feel like a totally different person and I have never felt so good about myself and believe it was the fact that I come out of a major crisis and breakup and big confusion and just pulled out of it by my own strength and love for myself.
    I can walk now. No hesitation.



  352.  #352Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 8:10 am

    FW,

    305 – That’s an excellent article…who is the author?



  353.  #353P-lala on October 2, 2012 at 8:12 am

    Radlove and Jim,

    Yes, ‘what great memory can I create today’ is how I want to live my life. It feels so inviting and warm to create memories for myself and my relationships. I feel so drawn to people that I have beautiful memories with.

    I feel smiley thinking about what memories I will carry away from today.

    Thanks for the reminder.



  354.  #354Starla on October 2, 2012 at 8:15 am

    i feel sad
    i never knew what it was like to love someone enough not to care about money or stupid things like that, and to just want to be in love and be together no matter what obstacles, until he was gone, and i realized that was how i felt.

    but now i know that kind of love exists.

    i feel sad and kind of peaceful



  355.  #355Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 8:15 am

    P-Lala great to see you.



  356.  #356Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 8:17 am

    Tam,

    315 – I think your intuition and feelings are giving you the answer. If I were in your situation and feeling what you feel, I would say, “I feel really flattered that you would come all that way to see me. I don’t want to make you feel bad, but I’m sorry, it just isn’t there for me.”

    Then I’d let the chips fall where they may. It is highly unlikely he would want to come 6 hours just for one dinner out.



  357.  #357Tam on October 2, 2012 at 8:18 am

    ((((Starla)))) – it will all work out.



  358.  #358Tam on October 2, 2012 at 8:20 am

    356, thanks Radlove for that suggestion….I am going to read through it all again, and what FW said and make up my own version – very very helpful!



  359.  #359Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 8:22 am

    all I know was that as soon as I started loving me, I just did not understand anymore why a man wouldn’t want to treat me like a princess.

    Yaayyy Tam



  360.  #360LiliBee on October 2, 2012 at 8:24 am

    337:

    Oh Yey SA! 🙂

    I didn’t go in my emails or FB last night, and I don’t have access from work as our IT dept blocked it.

    I’ll take this as confirmation, I’ll be there.
    You can text me or call my on my cell.
    I can try to text back, but it’s a struggle with my new touchscreen phone.

    I feel so siked! 🙂



  361.  #361Starla on October 2, 2012 at 8:24 am

    ohhh my broken heart.



  362.  #362P-lala on October 2, 2012 at 8:25 am

    Thank you, FW. I’ve been lurking…and noticing that I feel kind of guilty that things with K are going so well. So, I haven’t been sharing so much. I wonder why I feel bad that I feel happy. It’s all part of my story.

    I feel so drawn here, though, that I just lurk and send prayers and positive energy to you all. 🙂



  363.  #363MissStix on October 2, 2012 at 8:27 am

    Jim

    This really caught my attention:

    “When I put myself out there for a woman, put the ball in their court, give them the power so to speak. it doesn’t take long to find out if I’ve given candy to a girl, a gold digger, security seeking agenda, or a mature woman who takes responsibility for what I’ve given with the gravity it merits.”

    I feel really curious about this. I don’t have specific questions…But any elaboration would be greatly appreciated.

    I think…I want to simply be that mature woman who just instinctively knows how to receive and reciprocate love in a deeply emotional way and also in a secure way. Minus agenda. But…I feel dishonest even saying that because I think I do have an agenda to an extent. I feel a deep longing to know if my partner is on the same page.

    This shows me I have not fully let go of all of the insecurities I own. I know logically my partners behavior should be all I need to fully understand where he’s at. I still have all kinds of negative voices and doubt feelings. A voice in the back of my mind reminding me that a man could propose marriage only to abandon the relationship emotionally and sexually if not physically. And in record time. It happens all the time. The unsquashable negative voice…



  364.  #364Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 8:27 am

    Tam,

    334 – Yikes, I relate all too closely to what you said. Yes, scary thoughts. I feel like CDing is a little job, too. The only difference for me is that it is a job that I virtually detest!



  365.  #365LiliBee on October 2, 2012 at 8:27 am

    P-lala,

    It feels so good to see again! 🙂



  366.  #366Daria on October 2, 2012 at 8:28 am

    Radlove – I don’t know do you? Lol

    I find those men fascinating when they seem to have more self esteem than me. I’ve been the hanger on woman many times and I it’s about wanting what they have, by ‘having them.’

    They don’t treat me well or chase me when I do that. I used to hope to be married to a man like that, beautiful amazing, growing up. I feel glad I didn’t now. Sigh. 🙂

    It’s a babystep process, but I’m getting more of that power for myself. Finding the qualities in me feels even more fulfilling than finding them in the other person, though it seems unattainable at the time.

    I’m still healing from this with all the wanting to be included by ‘fly people’ thing. Cuz I don’t find myself fly enough sometimes. Or a great dresser sometimes – so I feel attraction for men who are.

    Hmm 🙂

    I’m committed to me on this journey even when my tummy lurches. Or I feel weak like a puddle. Or I feel out focused tight and jumping out of my body to my head, disassociating.

    Hehe when I feel good too!

    A great gift to learn this lifetime.



  367.  #367Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 8:29 am

    Jim,

    340 – LOL! I love your way of expressing yourself ! You are such a character! I would love to meet you in person!



  368.  #368Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 8:32 am

    Brandylion,

    343 – I would say, “I would feel really good about just being friends, too, before something develops. I feel good about taking my time to get to know someone.”

    That way, they don’t feel pressured, and they also know I am not just looking to hop into bed. Then, as I am out with a man, I would use feeling messages if I felt I was being treated like a friend. For example, if he wanted to split the bill, I would say, “That doesn’t feel romantic to me….”

    What do you think/feel?



  369.  #369Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 8:32 am

    P-lala you deserve to feel happy, you are so worth it. It would feel so good to be able to read your story.



  370.  #370Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 8:33 am

    Brandylion and FW,

    348 – I like FWs suggestion!



  371.  #371Dominique on October 2, 2012 at 8:37 am

    Healing Waterfall is her changed name, and her son is well, has been for a long time. Last I talked to her things were going really well for her, busy with her jobs, and her love life had taken a turn for the very positive.

    xxoo



  372.  #372Tereana on October 2, 2012 at 8:37 am

    MissStix – You can always get a massage any time. Doesn’t have to be your birthday! 🙂



  373.  #373Starla on October 2, 2012 at 8:37 am

    yay i’m glad you’re happy p la la



  374.  #374Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 8:38 am

    Tam,

    351 – Fantastic for you! That all sounds sooo healthy! I feel sad I am not there yet. I will feel so much more loving toward myself and confident when I weigh what I should weigh.

    And it feels like a Catch-22, because if I felt loved by R, the weight would fall off effortlessly, as it did when we were first dating in 2009, and I lost 35 lbs.

    I gained 60 lbs after it went sour in the summer of 2009, and I have only lost 5 of that since then. 🙁 It’s not about knowing how to eat right. It’s about the food mood connection.

    I don’t like it that my ability to lose weight feels connected with R. I don’t want that! So I keep reaching inside myself, trying to find how I can separate food from love. Because food is not love. Yet my heart doesn’t know that.



  375.  #375MissStix on October 2, 2012 at 8:39 am

    Hmmm for me it sounds like this in my head…

    If “the end” of a relationship is going to happen it will happen.I can do my best to feel and be the best female partner I can be. Same goes for him. But if it’s not going to work out 5, 10, 15 years down the road…it simply won’t, and i’d rather not complicate it all with paperwork. I don’t feel goid being the center of focus in very large groups of people and a “proper” wedding, or the thought of one feels creepy crawly. I think…What feels good, hopeful, exciting for me is the idea of simply being a part of a romance. In the here and now. And we remain together simply because, day by day, we enjoy each other’s company. We feel love each day. We are just not the kind of people to act in drastic or deceitful ways. So day after day, year after year, it just works, and we are both forever happy, free, in love, sexually attracted, free of restraint. And if we part no one has to say “what a shame” or “I’m twice divorced” 😉 Gawd that feels good to imagine!



  376.  #376Laughing Goddess on October 2, 2012 at 8:42 am

    Miss Stix: That’s exactly where I’m at with the whole marriage thing.



  377.  #377P-lala on October 2, 2012 at 8:42 am

    Thank you, Lilibee – I feel seen. 🙂

    FW, you are always so welcoming and kind to me. I feel such a deep respect and appreciation for you, your wisdom and your process of giving and growing and healing. I’m going to spend some time putting my story into words and will share in the next few days.

    K is out of town for 2 1/2 weeks and my son left, last week, for an indeterminate amount of time (probably months) following his dreams – more about that later…prayers and good thoughts for his success would be appreciated. So, things are quiet around here for a bit…that will give me some time to really sink into my feelings and write my story from an place of real authenticity. 🙂



  378.  #378Brandylion on October 2, 2012 at 8:42 am

    Radlove, #368: I would feel mislead by someone saying they just want to be friends and then talking about being romantic with me.

    Like, a guy who has said he only wants to be my friend but then shows me romantic-type love and affection (pays for outings, initiates contact, etc) would feel SO confusing.

    I agree with the bit about getting to know someone slowly, but I want to do it in romantic contexts, not like two buddies.



  379.  #379Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 8:43 am

    Miss Stix,

    363 – I have observed R in this area, and he is genius. He will not put out more than what a woman invests in a relationship. I want to give this some thought, and perhaps write down some observations of how he does it.

    He, like Jim, has been hurt before, investing in a woman more than what she invested in him. My quick response is that he works a lot with silence.

    He will say something, and he will just go silent, opening the way for my response. I always feel included by the way he does that, and never pressured. I always feel that we are moving at the pace of US, not of him, and not of me.

    He may irritate the he11 out of me by moving so slowly, but I really appreciate how sensitive he is to me and knowing my thoughts and feelings at every turn.



  380.  #380MissStix on October 2, 2012 at 8:44 am

    Clear clear clear!

    I want my relationship to be a new devotion each day. I do not want it to be a leadup to one BIG devotion and then a “settling into” a lifetime.

    Day by day by day. And it is this way already with this man I love, and ohhhh maybe that’s why it keeps getting better.

    I have this very clear projection in front of me of a line. It goes up up up, in peaks and valleys, but always up.



  381.  #381P-lala on October 2, 2012 at 8:47 am

    Miss Stix – “a new devotion each day” this feels so enchanting and hopeful. “settling in” feels stale. I like “up up up!”



  382.  #382Tereana on October 2, 2012 at 8:49 am

    brandylion (343) – I definitely know what you mean about not wanting to be “friends.” I think being friends first is guy code for actually wanting more, but not wanting to feel that they “have” to commit right away. Even if they are only committing to “dating.” It’s a like a low-pressure way to get to know someone. It makes them feel safe (is my guess). And this being Craigslist, I’m happy to hear they are not just saying, “Hey, let’s get together and have sex!” Because they could. Offering friendship it quite nice. Because it means they don’t *only* want sex. I would say – try to resist making demands, because that gets in the way of letting the guy lead.

    I’m a little sketched about meeting people from Craigslist. I’ve heard too many awful stories. And I don’t like Craigslist. But if that’s a good way for you to meet men, then go for it! : )



  383.  #383Miss Bells on October 2, 2012 at 8:51 am

    Nothing from HS. It is pretty clear he took off somewhere after the big dust-up with Trailer Girl on Saturday night.

    Last night I was found myself at the Monday night Pro-Jam, a place where musical professionals can come sit in, and it’s free to get in.

    I know a couple of the guys in the house band through HS. In fact he often attended the jam, but never took me.

    The lead guitarist, Matt, is a great guy. During the break I sat with him outside in the warm evening. I said I was there alone, that I was on the outs with HS.

    He said “i thought that was you guy’s thing–on and off again.

    I said “it’s his thing. I hate being bounced. I am steady as a rock emotionally. He isn’t. I’m thinking of moving out everything when he isn’t home and leaving the keys with a note.”

    He said–if you ever want to get anything that is a great idea!”

    So–there I have it, from a man and musician that actually know him.

    I told him my Mercedes was in the shop. He recalled a funky old Mercedes that HS sold for me. (in 2009). I said no–this one I just bought and it’s a plum!”
    But apparently HS has talked about me to these guys before I ever met them. And Matt has a good memory…

    The fact that he would leave to go somewhere for an extended time and not even TELL me means that my exit plan is the correct one. I feel angry and disappointed.

    I am thinking of what to say on the note.

    My friends Mike and Gail are coming down with a truck. HS is not home. The only thing is how much I can take in one load.



  384.  #384Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 8:51 am

    Daria,

    366 – I like what you wrote.

    I guess I was more thinking about R (as usual), and how one time he said, “I wish someone would treat ME like a princess”, in response to something I said about wanting to be treated like a princess.

    After that, I took great enjoyment in doing such stuff as giving him dinner in bed, giving him little gifts and cards just because….during my time with him before I started listening to Rori.

    Then over time, I realized that I myself rarely, if ever, got that kind of treatment. Maybe it was a phase he was going thru, because he seems far more attentive to me now. But I still feel concerned about the balance there. I feel like I am always on the border of operating in too much masculine energy around him.

    I feel blanketed when a man steps up and pays, cares for my well being, is attentive, etc. I have rarely experienced that. The CD who did it best was Nuke, last summer 2011, but I didn’t feel attracted to him. He treated me well, but that wasn’t enough. I longed for deep conversation, and common beliefs…



  385.  #385Tereana on October 2, 2012 at 8:53 am

    ((((Starla))))



  386.  #386Jim on October 2, 2012 at 8:55 am

    354 Starla,

    What a wonderful, noble, humble place you are.

    If I were your ex and you said that to me. I couldn’t help but think… “WOW!!”… then I’d say, “You have the floor.”

    Jim



  387.  #387Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 8:56 am

    Brandylion,

    378 – Yeah, I hear you. Like I said, I think FWs response suggestion was better than mine. One thing I have said to CDs in the same situation is this:

    My ultimate desire is to be a wife. However, I am not in a rush for that, and I very much want to develop a friendship with a man before ever committing. So if all that ever develops is a few good times with a friend, that is fine. I really long for romance, tho.

    Something like that.



  388.  #388Siren Angel on October 2, 2012 at 8:56 am

    (((Starla)))

    Sweetie, let him run into masculine energy everywhere… You once many months ago wrote me this… When he realizes how truly special and feminine energy you are, there is a good chance he will somehow gravitate back into your energy ‘vibration’ as you say. If not, by then, you will have healed some more and moved on.

    It’s a hard place to be to feel like this about someone and be away from the, but you are so courageous for taking your life in your own hands and taking steps forward every day. Be it as WarriorCd being a lover while you date other men. Why not? If you feel ok with it, and you keep moving in the right direction, that is all that matters.

    xx



  389.  #389Tereana on October 2, 2012 at 8:56 am

    VMan IS there for me in a lot of good ways. He gave me a good movie suggestion the other night. And he also sent me a way to do something on my phone that I’ve wanted to do for a reeeeally long time.

    One thing I’ve figured out about him: He LOVES to help out, and offer me things I need. He will offer it without my asking. But he will dig in his heels till the ends of the earth if *I* am the one making the request.

    Hm….this sound kind of weird and “off” – like I want to be able to ask for something without being rejected. But it’s a very clear pattern. When I ask for something, I get rejected. However, he is very willing and forthcoming when it comes to offering from himself. This is interesting. Just an observation….



  390.  #390Miss Bells on October 2, 2012 at 8:57 am

    I am thinking of this for the note;

    Rob,
    I am breaking up with you.
    I have been in love with you for a long time, but now–I just don’t know…

    Please leave me alone.

    alles beste,
    aa

    and a separate page that says

    Book Project:
    “Please send me your paypal info.
    I will invoice you. Paid invoice = published book, as agreed.”

    I have but substantial effort into the book, we have a contract, and I need to get paid. But I wouldn’t put that part in the note.

    What do the sirens think of my wording?



  391.  #391LiliBee on October 2, 2012 at 8:58 am

    371:

    Oh Dominique,

    This feels so good to read about Healing Waterfall.
    I miss her presence here.
    Thank You for the update.

    Would you have a minute to spare to send her word that we would really enjoy a good dose of inspiration from her sharing her successes?

    I always feel so uplifted reading sirens’ success stories 🙂



  392.  #392Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 8:59 am

    Tereana,

    382 – Craigslist well deserves its reputation. What keeps me gravitating to CL is that it is one of the few places on the internet where I have found real, local, flesh and blood men. The vast majority of dating sites I’ve been on, even paid ones, has had mostly scammers from other states and other countries.

    Oooh, I hate dating!



  393.  #393Siren Angel on October 2, 2012 at 9:00 am

    Starla and Radlove,

    It is not about the money… it is about not giving too much and asking to be cared for, without actually saying it. There are things I will pay for myself, little gifts to myself when we are out shopping for example but sometimes he’ll step in and pay for it.

    In fact, it somehow feels unfair when he does because I make somewhat more money then he does. But to me it is more about giving him the chance to be the ‘provider’ when he wants to be.

    I don’t care about the money one bit. It’s about how it makes me feel when he does pay, taken care of, valued.



  394.  #394Starla on October 2, 2012 at 9:01 am

    thank you ladies
    thank you very much
    i feel super loved here



  395.  #395Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 9:01 am

    Miss Bells,

    389 – Sounds good to me.



  396.  #396MissStix on October 2, 2012 at 9:02 am

    LG 376

    It feels good knowing other women think this way too.

    I question if this is the “right” way sometimes…But it always ends up that it just feels good to me. It feels solid. Relaxed. The traditional way feels stressful.



  397.  #397April Rose on October 2, 2012 at 9:03 am

    Scene: a mild autumn day in a small English market town. A young man looking smart in a blazer, clutching a bunch of flowers and looking lost…

    He sees me. Huge smile. And a hug. A warm hug that feels good.

    I point him in the direction of a nice coffee shop, and he takes the lead, opening doors and talking to the waitress.

    What strikes me most is his smile, and his direct way of saying how happy he is to meet me, and his delight that it’s so soon after our first online chat (yesterday). He said he found my photos and my written profile beautiful and just had to meet me.

    Wow. So refreshing after all the penpals who never ask for dates!

    We ordered soft drinks. I asked for sparkling water and he asked for orange squash, which made me remember his age and I giggled inwardly.

    He chatted a lot. And then apologised and asked me all about me, and it felt easy and light, and then he talked some more. He admitted to some nervous butterflies in his stomach.

    He said he was searching for depth, which he says he has not found in women his own age. He likes older women because “they know where they are”.

    I liked him a lot. Attraction could certainly build. He asked if I’d be interested in a short term relationship.
    This did not compute, because even if I wanted that, my experience is that men get too attached.

    I asked him if he wanted children. Not now, but maybe in the future, he said. Hmmmm.

    Maybe he would be good as a lover, but I wouldn’t want to get attached/invested.

    It will be nice to have a few more dates, but after that …..?

    Oh, he is lovely. Such open, direct, loveliness. Yum.



  398.  #398Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 9:03 am

    Brandylion I feel in agreement with Tereana.

    Maybe even just saying thanks for the honesty about his intention and let him know that you feel good with the man leading so you can let them know what feels comfortable to you as you go along might be good enough.



  399.  #399Siren Angel on October 2, 2012 at 9:04 am

    Tereana,

    I totally hear you about asking/not asking and differing results. It has to come from them when they feel so inclined. Absolutely agree. Be surprised.



  400.  #400Tereana on October 2, 2012 at 9:06 am

    I feel happy that I have my other CDs. SYG is really sweet and I got to hang out with him and some of his friends last weekend. His friends were all really nice, and I had a great time with them. I even had a good time with them when SYG was in another room for a bit. SYG told me multiple times how awesome I am and really made me feel appreciated. That felt good 🙂

    Cute Chicago Boy is talking about coming for a visit. I don’t see him as a real “prospect” for dating – especially with the distance. But he’s still an interesting person, and I feel curious.

    I think there are some other CDs. I don’t remember now….lol

    Funny, even though I basically insulted Vman yesterday, I still don’t think he is going to go away completely. And you know what else? I don’t care. Because he would be doing me a favor if he did. In fact, I kind of want to just move forward without him, and yet he IS sticking anyway. lol

    I feel slightly nervous about his response to my message. but also, I don’t care. I spoke the truth (my truth). If he doesn’t like it, too bad. He doesn’t have to. I don’t always like it when people speak truths to me that I don’t want to hear. But if I can own up to it and grasp that truth, I feel better. If he can do that, great. If not, then it’s not my problem…but he doesn’t get to make me feel bad for something that is HIS personal issue.



  401.  #401Miss Bells on October 2, 2012 at 9:07 am

    #390
    The story behind this is in moderation. Don’t know why.
    Last night I was found myself at the Monday night Pro-Jam, a place where musical professionals can come sit in, and it’s free to get in.

    I know a couple of the guys in the house band through HS. In fact he often attended the jam, but never took me.

    The lead guitarist, Matt, is a great guy. During the break I sat with him outside in the warm evening. I said I was there alone, that I was on the outs with HS.

    He said “i thought that was you guy’s thing–on and off again.

    I said “it’s his thing. I hate being bounced. I am steady as a rock emotionally. He isn’t. I’m thinking of moving out everything when he isn’t home and leaving the keys with a note.”

    He said–if you ever want to get anything that is a great idea!”

    So–there I have it, from a man and musician that actually know him.

    I told him my Mercedes was in the shop. He recalled a funky old Mercedes that HS sold for me. (in 2009). I said no–this one I just bought and it’s a plum!”
    But apparently HS has talked about me to these guys before I ever met them. And Matt has a good memory…

    My friends are coming today with a truck to help me move the rest out.



  402.  #402Miss Bells on October 2, 2012 at 9:08 am

    Well-the moderation Bot isn’t going to let me post…



  403.  #403April Rose on October 2, 2012 at 9:10 am

    Circular Dating has brought up so much for me. I can feel overwhelmed by the emotions and fears.

    I sneaked onto the bus to another town to meet this young man.

    I was on the lookout for being ‘caught’ in the street by EM, or ‘caught’ with a bunch of flowers by WM.

    Even though I have said the phrase “keeping my options open” to both men, I feel illicit, like I’m committing some kind of crime by dating a variety of men.



  404.  #404Tereana on October 2, 2012 at 9:11 am

    Ooh, April Rose – that sounds like Fun! 🙂



  405.  #405Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 9:12 am

    What did you do with the flowers AR?



  406.  #406LiliBee on October 2, 2012 at 9:13 am

    P-lala,

    I feel so excited and look forward to reading your success story!

    No matter how bad my own struggles may feel like for me, I always feel uplifted at reading another siren’s happy outcome 🙂

    It’s so inspiring to witness that being happy is very possible, and I always feel happy for happy sirens 🙂



  407.  #407Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 9:13 am

    April Rose,

    396 – Beautifully described! I feel so happy for you that it went so well! Moment by moment!



  408.  #408Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 9:14 am

    I feel illicit – I sneaked onto the bus

    For me brought up thoughts of what message I am sending out to the Universe about what I am worthy of or want in my life. Maybe there are some underlying beliefs that need healing? Without a commitment that makes me feel good am I entitled to keep looking for/creating what I want?



  409.  #409Tam on October 2, 2012 at 9:17 am

    Radlove, don’t get me wrong, I do know how hard it is to get out of the pit. I have cried practically every day at home and when I am unhappy, I can’t look after myself very well and eat a lot of rubbish, feel even worse, put on weight….
    and yes, when I am in love I look and feel healthy and it is soo much easier to eat well etc.
    I am sure there will be bad days again for me too, that is just life but I am milking this phase 🙂
    And a lot is still unordered in my life, but right now I just don’t seem to care so much about that.
    I feel good and I trust that we will all get there sooner or later, and I am very happy that my feeling good has nothing to do with a man, else I’d be scared to lose it/him again.
    I hope that I will never again be in that place. ‘In love’, yes but not ‘in need’.



  410.  #410MissStix on October 2, 2012 at 9:18 am

    Loving the CDing talk going on here. We have so many beautiful perspectives…



  411.  #411Sassy on October 2, 2012 at 9:22 am

    Starla,
    I’m always here. I know it’s not the same as if we were right down the street from each other, but you can feel free to express yourself here anytime. If you need or want more privacy to “talk” or vent, I can give you my email.
    My heart hurts for you too baby girl, I just want to wrap my arms around you and hug you.
    I have two grown daughters that I am very close to, and I feel so grateful for that, but I also have plenty of love left to go around. I made a lot (and I mean ALOT!) of mistakes with them while they were growing up, but I’m learning to forgive myself as I see how wonderful they’ve turned out. Maybe I did something right along the way. …
    I am still learning things about myself and men and relationships and feelings. I never want to stop learning until my last breath (which I’m hoping is somewhere around 100 or so.)
    I may not have the best advice or wisdom, I can only draw on my own lifetime of experiences, but I am a very good listener.
    And this goes for any of you.



  412.  #412Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 9:28 am

    Sassy reading your words feel like being wrapped in a warm blanket of love.



  413.  #413Daria on October 2, 2012 at 9:32 am

    oh! this just came up thinking about the prince

    if a man wants to be treated like teh prince

    treated like a prince by whom?

    like cinderella and snow white treat the prince?

    or like a servant woudl treat him

    hmmm



  414.  #414Daria on October 2, 2012 at 9:36 am

    Brandylion – i usually say “oh hmm… i dont want to be friends im interested to meet men for romance and dating”

    something like that

    theyve usually said they want that too and stepped up the romance considerably after that pt



  415.  #415MissStix on October 2, 2012 at 9:36 am

    ohhhhh

    Daria!!

    Yes. Yes. Yes.



  416.  #416April Rose on October 2, 2012 at 9:37 am

    “Without a commitment that makes me feel good am I entitled to keep looking for/creating what I want?”

    Thank you for this, Femininewoman. I am constantly looking for new ways to assert the essence of this to myself.

    The flowers – I kept them and will put them in a vase of water in my room. They are pretty pink and yellow ones with a hint of little blue blossoms.



  417.  #417MissStix on October 2, 2012 at 9:38 am

    Definitely do not want to be a nanny to a prince!

    Eeeeeeeek!



  418.  #418Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 9:39 am

    oooohhhh April Rose those colors together feel delightfully soothing.



  419.  #419Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 9:41 am

    RE 412 That could get men to mirror you and reflect back what in want. Just words in the moment.

    I suspect you will say that you trust your intuition but not every woman does.



  420.  #420Tam on October 2, 2012 at 9:41 am

    ha, the time is running out for MrP…as I am not accepting last minute plans a-n-y-m-o-r-e. Anything past today, this evening, is a last minute plan for me. I feel slightly amused. I am the prize. Get used to it 🙂
    Actually, I am looking forward to a date tonight with CDBig, we are having Mexican and I love Mexican.
    And Wednesday, as it looks like I am having no plans right now, I might go for ladies night or alternatively that have a film evening in the condo building here…how cute is that?
    I feel so happy to have options, and so many… 🙂



  421.  #421MissStix on October 2, 2012 at 9:43 am

    April rose

    I am entralled with your story right now! My vision of your date felt fun and juicy. A younger lover…Very intriguing!



  422.  #422MissStix on October 2, 2012 at 9:45 am

    I want to high five or fist bump Tam but that’s so masculine :p

    Hip bumps? 🙂

    Anyways…Woot!



  423.  #423LiliBee on October 2, 2012 at 9:46 am

    Sassy,

    Your comment feels warm, open and inviting 🙂



  424.  #424MissStix on October 2, 2012 at 9:53 am

    Help needed!

    Crafting an FM to express how it feels to be “thought of” of “thought about” or “highly reagrded”.

    I can not put my finger on a word for this…

    I feel____

    “important” isn’t cutting it. Not good enough.



  425.  #425Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 9:54 am

    Daria

    411 – Good question. He talks a lot about Cinderella, so probably her. But I think he means he likes to be spoiled, and when I have spoiled him, he expressed a lot of pleasure in that. When I said, “You deserve it,”, he said, “You deserve to be spoiled, too.”

    The longer I know him, the more I see him as giving the spoiling as well as receiving it. Getting back to what Miss Stix and I were discussing, I think he will only spoil a woman if she has proven worthy of spoiling, not just expecting it. Just like it is said, “Respect isn’t deserved…it is earned.”

    I think in the past, R gave his heart to a woman, who just trampled it. Now he has a lot of walls and will only give his heart to a woman who treats it gently.



  426.  #426Daria on October 2, 2012 at 9:55 am

    FeminineWoman – yes thats quite the point. men won’t read my mind necessarily.

    i think this is how “the next man you meet will get what you expect and be prequalified” that Rori talks about

    as in, just in an easy offhand expression, they GET how i value myself and want to be treated

    i don’t want to hide from a man how i want to be treated, rather share my desires and see what happens and if the man can step up and fulfill some of that with me

    hiding what i want so that they have to figure it out by themselves strikes me as what i used to do with men during sex poor men, get all internally frustrated that they didn’t automatically know what felt good (and pine for the ones who somehow did). Now i can just say what i want and if he wants to that for me i find it lovely

    not one who happens to coincide with knowing what i want off the bat.

    same goes for long term plans such as marriage

    not really looking for a man who suddenly says, oh ! do you want to go to Brazil, get married, have natural birth attachment parenting unschooled children and practice spirituality and healing

    thats all my dreams and i share freely

    magically the universe DOES send me men now that start talking about brazil and all kinds of things that coincide with what i want

    in fact this is a tool of mine, talk about what i want – seems to attract it fast



  427.  #427Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 9:56 am

    Daria,

    412 – I like this, but for me, when I say I am interested in romance and dating, men seem to translate that into “I want sex on the first date.” I feel so sick of this.



  428.  #428Daria on October 2, 2012 at 9:56 am

    im getting from that q – that some women may be ‘fooled’ by a man who seems to fulfill their wishes and is actually not able to do so

    but i feel confused as to the problem there… they will get weeded out when they can’t do so…

    and them even Wanting to fulfill their wishes is quite lovely



  429.  #429Tam on October 2, 2012 at 9:57 am

    420 Miss Stix, we can bump bums 🙂



  430.  #430Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 9:58 am

    Miss Stix,

    RE: 415 – “Definitely do not want to be a nanny to a prince!

    Eeeeeeeek!”

    LOL, me either.



  431.  #431Mel on October 2, 2012 at 9:58 am

    Babysteps,

    How can you not care about the outcome if you love someone? ….

    Hmmm…. I think the key for me is to love myself more.

    If all they have to offer is crumbs or I feel I can no longer trust, or my boundaries feel trampled upon… than I choose to do what’s best for me. I express my feelings and my “don’t wants” and if he chooses to step up, and I can feel good about that, then we can grow together. If he’s not willing or able, then I love myself enough to know that I will feel happier moving along.

    At the beginning of my relationship, I discovered my newly intimate partner still had an active profile online. I was starting to feel very attached at this point, but as much as it may sting, I was completely ready to walk should I need to.

    “I feel sad and my heart feels like it can’t keep up with my racing thoughts… and I feel confused, yet confident. Look, this is a deal-breaker for me. I’m just a girl, and I need to feel secure and be able to have complete trust for my intimate partner. When there are other women, I don’t feel free to express myself sexually; sex, to me, is more than just a physical act. I feel open to dating men who are seeing others, but I don’t sleep with them. I feel protective of my heart and body, and it felt important for me to tell you that.”



  432.  #432Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 10:00 am

    Miss Stix,

    422 – How bout…

    I feel like a princess on the top level of a cruise ship, overlooking the water and being waited on hand and foot!



  433.  #433Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 10:04 am

    If you’re EVER starting to fear that you’re “wasting your time” with a man – that’s your clue that you’re making a mistake by shutting down your options. That’s your clue to get out there and talk to, sit down with, go out with and practice BEING with lots and lots of NEW men – and KEEP HIM in your “rotation” along for the ride!.

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/from-lovers-to-friends-and-back-again/if-hes-gone-from-friend-to-lover/#respond



  434.  #434MissStix on October 2, 2012 at 10:07 am

    Oh! Princess is getting closer to it. Yes. Thank you radlove!

    I was thinking the last time I got flowers or a “no reason” gift I was not quite as cozy with my feelings as I am now. And i’d like to be more prepared for next time. So I can sink into my surprise a little bit more and think a little less of “What do I say…”

    Ohhhh and maybe I could even say just ” wow I feel so surprised!” and “thank you!”. hmmmm

    Still…Would be nice to have a really good descriptive word for that feeling!



  435.  #435Tam on October 2, 2012 at 10:07 am

    Mel, wonderful. Couldn’t agree more



  436.  #436Sassy on October 2, 2012 at 10:10 am

    FW and LiliBee,

    Thank you. I feel seen, heard and valued. And those are not feelings I have very often.



  437.  #437Mel on October 2, 2012 at 10:13 am

    Miss Stix,

    “I feel all warm and glowing and so incredibly tall.”

    I’m short… so “tall” is like feeling put on a pedestal for me.



  438.  #438Miss Bells on October 2, 2012 at 10:14 am

    I know I have to do it, but am unsure of the timing. One of my GFs suggested that if I move out with just a note and the keys left right now–that it will be diluted by the jerry springer action that just took place with Trailer Girl. On the other hand–I can’t do this anymore.

    I have been working on the note:

    HS,

    I can’t do this anymore.
    I am breaking up with you.
    I have been in love with you for a long time. My feelings have never changed… But now–I don’t know.

    I don’t want to be your friend anymore.

    Here are the keys, I will send someone around to get anything left behind.

    Alles Beste,

    aa



  439.  #439MissStix on October 2, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Treasured.

    This is it. Perfect.

    “Wow…I feel treasured.” and “mmmmm these smell gorgeous. Thank you.”

    Mmmm



  440.  #440Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Love your FM Mel. I am definitely saving this one. I feel confused yet confident really resonates with me.



  441.  #441MissStix on October 2, 2012 at 10:16 am

    Oh!

    Thank you mel! 🙂

    I got inspired by sassy’s post. She said the word valued, and I had a lightbulb!



  442.  #442Miss Bells on October 2, 2012 at 10:17 am

    Right now he is gone. Didn’t let me know he was leaving for a few days.
    The last contact we had was him breaking a business date and complaining about his printer by email.

    This was after a very good weekend together.
    This is someone I have known for 26 years. Just disappears.
    Not cool.

    Right now there is a window to move it all out without dealing with him. I don’t want to explain anything to him.



  443.  #443Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 10:17 am

    Miss Stix,

    I feel elevated!
    I feel honored!
    I feel favored!
    I feel delighted!
    I feel significant!
    I feel central!
    I feel floaty!
    I feel cared for!



  444.  #444MissStix on October 2, 2012 at 10:18 am

    I am conjuring flowers in my near future! mmmm I love flowers during fall and winter. They do make me feel warm!



  445.  #445Miss Bells on October 2, 2012 at 10:18 am

    His pattern when I leave is to wait a couple of weeks then start working on me–needling his way back in without actually stepping up.



  446.  #446Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 10:18 am

    I have been in love with you for a long time. My feelings have never changed… But I know I love and value myself and I want more.



  447.  #447Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 10:20 am

    Miss Stix,

    I like I feel treasured.

    Also, I feel cherished.



  448.  #448Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 10:20 am

    Miss Bells you are saying you don’t want to explain anything but that is exactly what you are doing in that note.



  449.  #449Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 10:20 am

    ((( Miss Bells )))



  450.  #450MissStix on October 2, 2012 at 10:20 am

    yum I like “honored”.

    I felt honored when G’s mom said she would like me as a daughter in law. Well first I felt giggly and awkward. But then I felt honored!

    That would have been lovely to say!

    I think I just said “Wow” and “thank you.”



  451.  #451Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 10:22 am

    He doesn’t feel obligated to let you know he was leaving. Why do you feel obligated to let him know you are leaving? He will find out one way or another.



  452.  #452Starla on October 2, 2012 at 10:24 am

    “He doesn’t feel obligated to let you know he was leaving. Why do you feel obligated to let him know you are leaving? He will find out one way or another.”

    sounds a wee bit vindictive



  453.  #453MissStix on October 2, 2012 at 10:25 am

    I am eating cake for breakfast 🙂

    It is angel food cake with a very thin coating of whipping cream and fresh strawberries, peach, kiwi, and honeydew on top. Not totally shameful 😉 But it feels decadent, extravagant and delicious!



  454.  #454Tam on October 2, 2012 at 10:29 am

    449….not getting a vindictive vibe more a silence vibe.
    Some things are better said with silence.
    I am learning that right now. It feels good.



  455.  #455Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 10:30 am

    Not vindictive at all Starla. This is giving a man more than he is giving. Men are logical and he will never understand the need for explaining if he himself doesn’t feel that need. That is the type of thing that have some men thinking we are broken.

    Look at Jim’s response to you. Men tend to put themselves first.



  456.  #456Starla on October 2, 2012 at 10:30 am

    tam, i can see it that way too



  457.  #457Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 10:32 am

    It’s like us telling men we are leaving yet never leave. He wonders about that then lose respect.

    Tell a man to go get sex or whatever else outside the relationship. He eventually will. Yet he will still feel love for you.



  458.  #458Sassy on October 2, 2012 at 10:35 am

    Miss Bells,

    Do you really feel its necessary to leave a note? It doesn’t look (to me anyway) that he had the common courtesy of letting you know he was going away.
    That shows disrespect for you on so many levels.



  459.  #459MissStix on October 2, 2012 at 10:36 am

    Miss bells

    No opinion here. But the feeling I get reading the note is a bit “put in my place.” and also a little dramatic. If that feels necessary to you, no judgement, but I do feel curious if you see it the same way…



  460.  #460Starla on October 2, 2012 at 10:37 am

    I would leave a note that says i’m leaving for good.

    it’s common courtesy. he left with the intention of coming back eventually, even though he was a total douche about it.

    at least inform the man of what’s happening in his own home.

    and then go. and don’t look back.

    YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!



  461.  #461Daria on October 2, 2012 at 10:39 am

    Radlove – hmm that doesn’t happen for me at all. The men usually open up about their romantic ideals and desires. They start to praise me as a woman and get more chivalrous and curious and respectful.

    I wonder what else we’re saying or doing differently.

    Also just recalled that tone is a huge one for me. when i state a boundary or something with anxiety as opposed to without, it really changes what i receive.



  462.  #462Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 10:42 am

    RE 456 That’s how it looks to me too.



  463.  #463Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 10:45 am

    26 years – breaking a business appointment, can’t call but I am working to finalize his book

    hhhhhmmmmm



  464.  #464Jim on October 2, 2012 at 10:48 am

    367, Radlove

    DId you say Skype. Email me, as I’m probably off the blog for awhile, work, life, busy and this blog requires much reading… I’m just learning to spell.

    Later,
    Jim



  465.  #465Daria on October 2, 2012 at 10:48 am

    now im feeling triggered and like defending myself against questioning voices that ‘don’t believe me’

    i DID have a great idea of recording my conversations with men and using them to share and show others how i do and the responses

    i think it’s illegal to record convos without letting hte person know in CA, but i don’t think its illegal in Romania

    lol



  466.  #466Daria on October 2, 2012 at 10:49 am

    tho i might be wrong and it could be illegal here, but im not too worried about it. people here arent on a craze to prosecute stuff like that



  467.  #467MissStix on October 2, 2012 at 10:51 am

    I feel inspired by me! Oh stix, you are so inspirational sometimes! Ooooo it feels amazing to hear that! mmm Thank you.

    Today’s devotion:

    beam and say “thank you” at least once. Oh that’s too easy. I’m always hearing and receiving nicenesses. This is a natural flow now. Oh, yum! Delightful. Ok.

    Ohhh I have it!

    Today, after G gets off work we are spending the evening together. I will get off the phone and blog and be fully present the entire evening. Oh but I feel so booooored sometimes hehe ok so I will fill up bored feeling moments with receptive eyes and vibes and just get poked and tickled all night. Sigh. And feel giggly 🙂 tonite will be a good night and at least one adoration will reach my ears. Yes. Mmm



  468.  #468Radlove on October 2, 2012 at 10:56 am

    I spent about 8 hours with my Mom yesterday, and we had a nice, positive time together.

    Today she called me frantically, practically demanding that I come see her immediately, that something doesn’t feel right, something’s wrong. I said I’m sorry, I can’t, I don’t have the gas money to make another trip. What going on?

    She snapped angrily, “I don’t know what’s wrong! Don’t you think I’d tell you if I knew?? Can’t you come up??”

    Then when I said sorry, I can’t again, she hung up on me. I feel controlled. I feel like sighing and running the other direction when she gets like that. I feel worn out from trying.



  469.  #469Daria on October 2, 2012 at 10:56 am

    hmm i feel triggered

    i see examples of initiating with a man and man not investing effort in interactions im reading here on blog . does anyone else see what i see?

    woman says : ” id love to meet you”

    man (doesn’t say “i’ll contact you” ) says “busy, contact me” – this is what it looks like when man is NOT invested for me usually

    i feel sad

    what is there to heal for ME

    im feeling compelled to ‘help others’

    so what am i to learn here?

    am i feeling sad at times i leaned forward>

    or?

    hmmmh



  470.  #470Miss Bells on October 2, 2012 at 10:56 am

    #463
    The book is a huge project for me. It was written by his late mother and is a war memoir. It is my foothold into online publishing, and a real plum.
    It has been a labor of love for several years.
    We were supposed to do the final artistic decisions together. He was actually nagging me.
    I will now make all those decisions without his input. He will receive a published and promoted book. Without any further interaction from me other than an invoice. I don’t publish till he pays.
    The book really NEEDS a print edition. It is that good–and many in the target customer base will not buy an e-book. But that is his problem.



  471.  #471MissStix on October 2, 2012 at 10:57 am

    (((radlove)))



  472.  #472Miss Bells on October 2, 2012 at 11:00 am

    At the jam last night a man I knew from my former hangout in a little town in the west county was there. He was all OVER me.
    It felt good to have an attractive man hang on my words and tell me how good i look.
    He has moved to Hawaii, one of the places I have considered for retirement.
    He gave me his number, and said I could stay with him and there is lots of inexpensive land left on the eastern side. I have an old gf in Hilo. Maybe…..



  473.  #473Miss Bells on October 2, 2012 at 11:02 am

    #463
    I answered you FW but THAT got put in moderation too. A lot of things with no religion, swearing, or S8X are going into moderation.
    I feel like I am doing something wrong.



  474.  #474Daria on October 2, 2012 at 11:02 am

    i just ate a lot of chocolate

    hmmm

    feeling a lil sad and intense all in my head

    i love you chocolate

    i love you head

    i love you daria



  475.  #475Tam on October 2, 2012 at 11:06 am

    Men put themselves first. True.
    Instinctively, they know that when they do what they want and put themselves first, they can take better care of everything – others also.
    Time we got that concept.
    It is not the same as being selfish.



  476.  #476Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 11:08 am

    Miss Bells cut at post in small segments. Then you might be able to identify what is triggering the moderation



  477.  #477Brandylion on October 2, 2012 at 11:09 am

    I just got my first “delete immediately” response from CL–subject line “ur my type” and the body said “would u bellydance for me” and then some gibberish that I couldn’t decipher due to it being mangled text-speak or just mangled English.



  478.  #478Daria on October 2, 2012 at 11:10 am

    feel guilty

    abandoned self

    sorry Daria

    ((((Daria))))



  479.  #479Miss Bells on October 2, 2012 at 11:10 am

    Almost done. I like FW’s tweak.
    I have lived with him for five years. There has been no big quarrel. Last time we were together–he invited me–we spent the weekend very nicely. That was 10 days ago. I am leaving a note using FMs.
    Just moving out with no note lacks class.

    HS,

    I can’t do this anymore.
    I am breaking up with you.
    I have been in love with you for a long time. My feelings have never changed… But I know I love and value myself and I want more.

    If you don’t love me–I want you to let me go.

    I don’t want to be your friend anymore.

    Here are the keys, I will send someone around to get anything left behind.

    Alles Beste,

    aa



  480.  #480Daria on October 2, 2012 at 11:11 am

    Tam ! that feels so empowering… hellls yeah



  481.  #481Daria on October 2, 2012 at 11:11 am

    its up to me to attract their powerful energy to feed me… love and life that i am



  482.  #482Miss Bells on October 2, 2012 at 11:14 am

    #476
    I tried that and the pieces are also put into moderation. And take all day to come out.
    I am not always like this. I am actually in a real time crisis.
    10 days ago it felt like we were healing from this summer. Now–I really GET it.
    At least this afternoon I can ask Trailer Man wtf happened on Saturday night.

    I have a radio interview for my Frugal Goddess program at 3 PM I hope I don’t choke.



  483.  #483Tam on October 2, 2012 at 11:15 am

    Miss Bells, this sentence:

    If you don’t love me–I want you to let me go.

    it evokes images of him having tied you down somehow. has he? does he have to let go? or do you have to let go?



  484.  #484Belle on October 2, 2012 at 11:15 am

    476
    Miss Bells

    I feel curious and perplexed – do you really believe this is an FM?
    Where are your feelings? The wants/don’t wants?
    This note sounds like taking a stand.
    Which is fine, but it isn’t the same as being vulnerable and sharing your heart and using an FM.



  485.  #485Smile on October 2, 2012 at 11:17 am

    Miss bells, it feels like your looking for closure. I remember when I came to the blog, my first post wAs about this. Roris response was to not contact him, not to look for closure and not to contact him about it. I wanted him to pick his stuff up. She suggested keeping it or getting a friend to take it round. I know it’s not the completely the same but hop it helps.
    Since then he has stepped up a ‘little’ I’m using the Flypaper tool now.

    Also my post went into moderation a few days ago. Rori emailed me to explain why.



  486.  #486Smile on October 2, 2012 at 11:20 am

    Tam! Oo exited for your date!

    This is another reason I need to shift myself to date. I’m getting a little bored in the eve, which is a bit contradictory as I feel overwhelmed at how busy I am. Maybe I need to learn to relax more…

    Once I’ve moved I can find some classes to go to.

    Had another viewing tonight! Feels promising this one!!!

    Any response from mrP?



  487.  #487Tam on October 2, 2012 at 11:21 am

    I hold the belief that if a man loves me, he wants to ‘tie me down’ and he will. There will be no second guessing and no doubts and no mixed messaged.
    This knowledge, too, feels empowering.
    Sure, there are those who can love and not have a relationship – but even those will at least try the best they can..they will step out of their comfort zone rather than lose the woman they love.
    It may not work, but they will try.
    Anybody who doesn’t try, in my view, does not feel it in his heart. And all the excuses in the world, like my mother doesn’t like you, my kids don’t like you, I am not where I want to be in my life right now, bla bla bla. Those, in my mind, are excuses for ‘him’ just not feeling it right now.
    Men who love will climb mountains even if they risk falling and breaking everything. I know it deep in my heart because I have seen it.
    Anything less just doesn’t cut it for me anymore.



  488.  #488Daria on October 2, 2012 at 11:22 am

    ack i feel triggered.

    if i write a note like this my analytical strategy mind says he will be like,, but i Do love you jsut blah blah

    sounds like drama to me

    judgemetn that it lacks class sounds feels OUCH and like drama too. i feel so angry reading judgemetns about class ugh! pufff push it away

    feeling pouty

    i dont see that i would care about a note if im not focused on the guy. what do *I* need?

    *I* *need* to leave a note so that I feel less anxious – controlling the outcome? pfffffffff

    i want to do my best to take care of me

    leaving a note seems masc energy to me. mabye its just something for clarity
    “I’ve moved out!”

    leaving it purely for clarification purposes. tho my stuff gone would clarify im sure

    i can share my feelings when he contacts me

    but oh well, note no note, it doesn’t matter as long as im moivng away

    i dont want to give mind energy to this and him. what am *I* wanting? how can I give myself some fun? some good feelings? some comfort

    uffff

    stupid note i feel so frustrated obssessing about u

    ahd im calling the note stupid. i might be calling myself stupid

    aww (((((Daria)))))

    i can share feleings like

    “i don’t feel good staying here while i don’t feel loved and romanced… im moving out completely so i can take better care of me… i feel open to hear from you!”

    hehe

    that feels fun and light.. and Open!

    i wonder what drew me to this post. triggered me?

    pbrrrr



  489.  #489Miss Bells on October 2, 2012 at 11:23 am

    Ways in which this is hurting ME:
    I don’t eat.
    I don’t write.
    Doing the minimum for my clients is so difficult…
    I don’t get out and get new clients.
    I don’t do the paperwork for my trust.

    I am just flattened.
    I need to retreat–heal–and start doing what I must for myself. This is serious business.



  490.  #490Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 11:25 am

    RE 480 Yep. Also a bit “victimy”

    I also don’t like the don’t want to be your friend anymore and the breaking up with you. Sounds very final like “walking over his dead body”. How would he take that statement.

    Any dont wants I’d express is the “on again off again relationship and push pull power struggle and living with a man in a quasi status”



  491.  #491Smile on October 2, 2012 at 11:25 am

    Daria, Daria!!

    Ive felt eager to share with you all day…

    I woke up feeling overwhelmed with my work. As I arrived at work They must have sensed my anxious vibe. I wasn’t very ‘smiley’ and I almost always am. I shared that I was feeling stressed and overwhelmed. A collegue shared that last year they had two sessions on tapping!!! I immediately thought of you. I’ve watched a few you tube videos around the concept. My work collegue is bringing in her info she got. I do feel a little sad I missed 2 paid sessions to learn how to do it, but excited that I can try it myself!!!!



  492.  #492Tam on October 2, 2012 at 11:26 am

    483, nope, no response and I am smiling as I write this…..because I knew that. He is too funny, I feel really quite smug as to how well I know him.
    He will do one of two things now. He will either drop the ball for a week and make a proper date, but one that doesn’t look like a date (let’s go boating), or he will try tomorrow to ‘let me know’ where he is, if he is in the vicinity (i e it hasn’t sunk in what I said and he needs confirmation that I have indeed changed).
    It’s one of those two, watch this space 😉
    Feels like I am in kindergarten and just grabbed a game from him and he is frowny in a corner while I am playing on happily (with other kids)….I feel so super amused by his reaction, as opposed to his other replies a minute after me….hehehehehehe.
    He is so cute though, with this predictability.
    However, I see him as less and less as a romantic prospect because of this.



  493.  #493bloom-ing on October 2, 2012 at 11:27 am

    feeling all horizontal, all prostrate



  494.  #494Smile on October 2, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Tam, wow!!! Feels so empowering! I want this for me too!!!



  495.  #495Tam on October 2, 2012 at 11:31 am

    Aw Smile, sorry to hear work is such a bind!!



  496.  #496Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 11:31 am

    Tam – Men put themselves first. True.
    Instinctively, they know that when they do what they want and put themselves first, they can take better care of everything – others also.
    Time we got that concept.
    It is not the same as being selfish.

    Jim – 354 Starla,

    What a wonderful, noble, humble place you are.

    If I were your ex and you said that to me. I couldn’t help but think… “WOW!!”… then I’d say, “You have the floor.”

    Jim

    I look at this response to Starla and was in shock but take it as a revelation. I thought 354 was so romantic and wondered what he meant by “You have the floor.” At first I thought it was meant that you can kinda take the lead but then it hit me, he must have meant sleeping on the floor because he was not about to do that.



  497.  #497Miss Bells on October 2, 2012 at 11:31 am

    #483
    He chases me when I leave. He does everything he can to draw me back in. He admitted this is crazy. But he still does it.

    #484
    FMs. I have never told him I was in love with him before. We have said I love you–but that is different.
    In the only argument I ever had with him about Trailer Girl he said “You are deeply in love with me and have been for a long time”
    I jus looked at him. Then he said “You won’t even say it!!” and I didn’t say it.
    The other FM are the don’t wants.

    #485 There will never be closure. I know that. I have a whole household full of my things mixed with his things that he insisted I leave even after I found my new place. I did because he was being very attentive–trying to repair the damage. Then Trailer Girl came back and h*ll broke lose.
    No-one else can pack for me.
    I just want my stuff.



  498.  #498Smile on October 2, 2012 at 11:33 am

    Tam, feels like you are putting all the pieces together in the jigsaw, you’ve dine the edges now closing in on the gaps. The picture is becOming clearer!



  499.  #499Brandylion on October 2, 2012 at 11:33 am

    Starla, I feel your pain re: CF.

    I am still having a hard time believing that PriestCD has just quit responding to email when we had a phone conversation in mid-August and a few text exchanges (all initiated by me, unfortunately) since then. I’ve accepted it, that he is communicating with his silence and lack of initiation of contact that he doesn’t want to be a part of each others’ lives–maybe right now, maybe forever, who knows?–and I am this close –><– to letting him go completely and not even feeling bummed, but I'm still struggling to believe that someone would do that.

    It's one thing not to reply to emails from a stranger, like on a dating site or from a CL ad, but another thing entirely to cut off a person with whom you have history without so much as a word. But I guess getting that word would be closure, and I'm not supposed to want that.

    Maybe he doesn't want to close the window for good either (the door having been closed when he dumped me)…? I'll never know, and hoping isn't serving me. Continuing to initiate feels bad and also isn't serving me, so onward I go.



  500.  #500Dominique on October 2, 2012 at 11:34 am

    Tam – “Men put themselves first.” I don’t think I agree with this. Not a good man. Not that he will always put others first. I wouldn’t want him to. It would certainly depend on the situation such as he’s compromising who he is.

    But when in relationship, a good one, one where he loves and cherishes, he will not put himself first. His woman will be considered first.

    For example sex. For example whenever K has been looking at other jobs which would have us move again, he won’t even look at ones in states in which he knows I would feel unhappy even if they are ones he would really like.

    There are many other examples, but I think you will understand.

    xxoo



  501.  #501Tam on October 2, 2012 at 11:34 am

    Smile, I am excited for you about the tapping though..I never got quite into that really….



  502.  #502Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 11:35 am

    So either do some scripting Tam or choose to ignore. What are your boundaries?



  503.  #503Laughing Goddess on October 2, 2012 at 11:35 am

    Miss Bells: I feel super confused as to how moving out without a note lacks class.

    It seems to me that you have already moved out given that you have your own apartment. Taking your things seems like the next logical step.

    I also feel confused about the part in the note saying that you are breaking up with him because it seems like you are already broken up.

    And when I hear what your friend said about it not having much impact given the drama that’s going on, it seems to me like being more focused on how things look than truly taking care of youself. Seems like an agenda.

    If you muat write a not, I would love to see FM’s and don’t wants.

    I’m sorry if this is coming across as harsh. I really don’t intend that. I am just in a rush and trying to be concise.

    Hoping you feel better about the situation soon and soar like you deserve.



  504.  #504MissStix on October 2, 2012 at 11:37 am

    I took “you have the floor…” as in “I am open to hearing what you have to say…”



  505.  #505Miss Bells on October 2, 2012 at 11:37 am

    #490
    The friend comment is because he alternates between me being the GF/ quasi-wife and the “friend”.
    And we were friends, in fact, for 22 years before we became lovers. I just want him to know THAT is over. And–we haven’t really broken up till now–even though he lied and cheated this summer, and is still lying and cheating. Even though i found another house in response to said lying and cheating.
    I need to say the words–to make them real–to be the one who LEAVES him, at last.



  506.  #506Brandylion on October 2, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Mmmmm, don’t know if they’re on the list of feeling adjectives, but:

    melancholy
    glum
    doleful

    ooooh, dolorous, if you want to get fancy



  507.  #507Brandylion on October 2, 2012 at 11:40 am

    Tam, I saved #484 to my “Miscellaneous Siren quotes” file.

    I feel uplifted reading it. 🙂



  508.  #508Tam on October 2, 2012 at 11:40 am

    499 FW, a text tomorrow will be totally ignored, just because I don’t believe in saying one thing and then doing another. Clear lines of communication – sticking to principles.

    If he actually comes forward another time with concrete plans for a date at least 2 days ahead, of course I will consider it if I am not already busy.
    Those are my boundaries.



  509.  #509Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 11:40 am

    Dominique I believe the context makes a lot difference. When a man is truly in love he does want to make sure the woman is happy and likely won’t put himself first if it jeopardizes the relationshin in any way.



  510.  #510Smile on October 2, 2012 at 11:42 am

    It feels good to ride on my horse, I’m now comfortable to have him hanging onto my saddle, sometimes we ride together then he falls off again. But what matters is I keep riding. My heart is open. I respond. I know what feels good and what doesn’t. I can be vulnerable. It’s not about control it’s about sharing how I feel. I don’t feel frustrated or the need to control where he’s at. I’m not holding on, my palms are open. I can receive but not become attached to any outcome, I am in the moment. The future feels exciting. I feel proud of my journey. I feel thankful for all your support.



  511.  #511Miss Bells on October 2, 2012 at 11:42 am

    # 503 not broken up yet. Still spending a LOT of time in a normal way, at least till last Monday.
    Yes I have another place, but very few of my material possessions came with me.
    He really didn’t want me to move. And talked me into leaving almost everything–including myself about half the time. The pattern was 3-4 days in my place, long weekends at his/our place.
    The Sunday before last, the last evening I spent there, he called me and asked if I was “home” because he was at the store and wanted to know about picking up something for dinner. And by “home” he meant his place.
    Can you see how confusing this is to me?



  512.  #512Tam on October 2, 2012 at 11:44 am

    497..Dominique, I made a division between putting oneself first (healthy) against being selfish. I believed that is pretty much what you are saying, did you see that?
    All the men I have ever known, even the very best, have put themselves first in the sense of looking after themselves and their own happiness…which can only be good for any relationship also..because only healthy and happy men make good partners.



  513.  #513Femininewoman on October 2, 2012 at 11:45 am

    Because you are focussing on his words.

    Focus on his actions and your feelings



  514.  #514Tam on October 2, 2012 at 11:45 am

    …and then they can care for their woman properly.



  515.  #515Tam on October 2, 2012 at 11:46 am

    507, love that Smile



  516.  #516Smile on October 2, 2012 at 11:48 am

    Tam tapping, he he I’m probably going to triggers lots of people but it’s okay its a thought I had that Has gone now, I use to think tapping was mumbo jumbo! I never quite ‘got’ that kind of stuff… Now I’m really interested, I can see great value and benefit to it. It’s not part of my daily like but I like the concept of it.



  517.  #517Dominique on October 2, 2012 at 11:49 am

    Femininwoman – Yes agreed.

    Tam – I’m sorry, I must have missed that part.

    I feel much better now. 🙂

    xxoo