Horrible Men – Are They Your Only Choice Now?

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bad boyMy best friend and amazing coach Virginia Clark sent me this article about a TV series – makes your blood curl…:


At first, I felt horrible.  OMG, what am I teaching women?

And then I realized….

I know at least 5 GREAT men who are unattached.  And that’s just in my IMMEDIATE, SMALL circle – I probably know many more if I thought about it.

And – the truth is, I hardly know any women to fix them up with…

I fixed one guy up with 2 women – and he liked and dated them both….and they both didn’t choose him for some reason or other…

We’re the problem, not men.  I really believe that.

We choose wrong.

I truly believe that on some deep level, we hate ourselves so much and want to punish ourselves so much, that we choose men to hit us over the head with their behavior.

And I just think it now might be easier to FIND those men!

Of all the men I know – NONE of them would rather watch porn than be with a real, live woman.

They’re all frightened of real, in the flesh women, actually.

They may have visions of supermodels dancing in their heads – but really – they respond to warmth and love and touch. They respond to appreciation.

Men feel so beat over the head these days – surpassed by women in so many areas, struggling with cultural issues, struggling with their own sense of personal power, struggling with the dynamics of relationship and the relationships they had with their mothers.

But so many men you see all over TV – and writers you read, and businessmen you hear of and read about – are happily married. They are happy to BE married. They don’t want to NOT be married.

So many men stick around in marriage even when they aren’t getting what they need.

Sex is SUCH a barometer of emotional intimacy and relationship.

Passion comes from a place that is NOT created by a man or a woman from looks and personality – but from the willingness to connect to passion no matter WHAT’S getting in the way.

No matter the anger, no matter the fatigue, no matter the distance, no matter the doubt, no matter what.

If you can connect to passion in you – you can feel it with any man who’s simply THERE.

But we don’t see it that way.

We see ourselves as objects, and so we seek out men who see us as objects.

We see ourselves as “conveniences” and so we seek out men who see us as conveniences.

We see a man who adores us as somehow “wrong.”

We confuse chemistry with intimacy and don’t see that it works the other way around.

Have you ever met a man you wouldn’t give a second look to, and then all of a sudden you saw other women lining up for him, or found out he had money or power or huge intellect, or was respected by someone else – and then all of a sudden he got “attractive”?

Well, what if you found a man attractive for just being available and interested and wanting a real, live woman in his bed and his life?

I mean, according to this article – that’s a pretty heroic place for a man to be.

If he’s available, if he wants you, if he knows what “forever” means and wants that, too – then he IS heroic!

Let’s start from THOSE men, and DITCH all the others.

When we start ditching these other kinds of men who aren’t interested in real live love – they will wake up.

When they can’t get sex with real live women, they’ll get tired of cyber ones and photos.

Or – we’ll begin to elevate the men we haven’t given a chance to hero status, and there will be a whole new model for what love and relationship look like.

For now – look for the unconventional man.

Ditch the bad boys. Ditch the hard-to-get. Ditch the distant, the unavailable, the porn-addicted, the confused.

Ditch any man who isn’t “into you” the way you want.

Ditch your romantic fantasies and make up new ones.

Look at the men who are your “friends” who want more.

Stop judging men by their covers.

Work on being extraordinary and LOVING your extraordinariness.

Don’t settle for a man’s outside when his insides aren’t loving you.

Instead, settle into how you want to feel in an intimate way.

Ditch the fantasy of chemistry and learn to make your own!

Love, Rori



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  1.  #1Femininewoman on May 21, 2012 at 7:33 am


  2.  #2Radlove on May 21, 2012 at 7:37 am


    You beat me!

  3.  #3Radlove on May 21, 2012 at 7:42 am


    Excellent article! I love it! Thank you!

  4.  #4T-Girl on May 21, 2012 at 7:58 am

    This article is the biggest lesson I have learned since finding Rori (thank God). I am so glad I was open to it for it has changed my life.

  5.  #5Calypso on May 21, 2012 at 8:04 am

    Wow – I really needed to read this RIGHT NOW! I just went on a first date with a new POF guy and he was so nice and “normal” and we had a million interestes in common. He is new to town and does not know many people yet and he seems to really like me – right away. He was talking about all sorts of things we could do together and of course I started THINKING . . . “I am going to hurt this mans feelings, he likes me too much already . . . there must be somethign wrong, etc.” UGH! He is 8 years older than me and does not look like my idea of the man I wanty to be with (Because he isn’t GM), but I NEEd to give him a chance. I need to give myself a chance. I just don’t know if I will…

  6.  #6Francesca on May 21, 2012 at 8:23 am

    “People can be so available in a superficial sense that they’re inaccessible in a deeper one. Or, as Dunham put it, “People underestimate the importance of making solid connections.”

    Sadly, this is the case with many people nowadays, thanks to the internet.

    On another level, though, there are more and more people talking across the planet (take for example, this blog) and social networks have come handy in speaking against injustices (think about the Arab movement of spring of 2011) and bringing people together.

    Yet, some days I ask myself if we’re REALLY talking to each other.

  7.  #7Tam on May 21, 2012 at 8:25 am

    I read that Porn article and it really scared me, because I too knew a man who acted like those guys. The sex was terrible, no intimacy and just acting out, like you see in porn. I don’t think there is necessarily anything wrong with men watching it, but when they use it as a reference as to what real women like and how to behave in the bedroom – that’s the problem.
    I feel they believe what is acted out there is real,and not filmed for a male audience – there is a lot of naivety. I actually told the guy that it’s not necessarily what women like and he was truly shocked. So in his late 40’s he had to re-think his attitude to sex and he had a real shock from what I told him and got pretty shy in that department. In the end, he said: ‘thank you for letting me into the woman’s world, that was useful and good stuff’!!! Can you believe this? Sometimes they just don’t have a clue, and try their best to do something they think would please US. So that can’t be a bad man, can it?!
    As for the good men..I am still not so sure that there is a lot of good men on one side, and then a lot of bad men on the other side, I still think we are all a mix of good and bad…but it is true, some men are much better for us than others. And we do tend to reject the better ones, but why??
    However, I have also seen what felt like a thoroughly ‘good man’ turn into a user, growing unattached, caring less and less, starting to come on to other women and neglecting me. Surely that was also my fault, but it does lead me to believe that it isn’t always so clear cut, one man is all good and another all bad. I think this would be a very simplistic way of looking at humans and relationships. Just my view, to me it feels wrong to label people as all good or all bad….hm.

  8.  #8Francesca on May 21, 2012 at 8:32 am

    Well, I’m with a former bad boy who was in fact good while being bad.

    I don’t know if that makes sense at all but that’s how I see him from what he told me about himself.

  9.  #9Femininewoman on May 21, 2012 at 8:33 am

    When I read “Well, what if you found a man attractive for just being available and interested and wanting a real, live woman in his bed and his life?” I have to saw WOW. Thinking about myself, Radlove and innumerable number of us women who seem to be consistently turned off or say we get annoyed by men who seem to want sex. I wonder how we can work with the men on this?

  10.  #10Francesca on May 21, 2012 at 8:39 am

    “Ditch the fantasy of chemistry and learn to make your own!”

    But isn’t there supposed to be some chemistry if things are to work out?

    I mean, I’m not going to pretend there is chemistry, right?

    How can I “make” chemistry my own if there isn’t any?

    I can’t fake something like that.

  11.  #11Tam on May 21, 2012 at 8:43 am

    Well, sometimes there just isn’t attraction (or chemistry or whatever we want to call it), and it doesn’t matter how nice and lovely the man is. Sometimes one just does not feel attraction, not afer the first date, the second or the 500th date – and there is nothing wrong with that. I can’t kiss someone I feel repulsive about in that way, he can be the nicest guy, but if I can’t bear to touch him it’s a deal breaker just as much as if he had a bad character trait….sometimes it just doesn’t fit! 😉

  12.  #12Francesca on May 21, 2012 at 8:45 am

    FW, I reckon we have to help them take apart these silly beliefs they (we) have by being wittier than them.

    Using FMs such as the ones Radlove had to use with the men she meets is a good way to start.

    And I like what Tam said about her telling her man that what he was offering her wasn’t what “real” women in the “real” world were looking for.

    And it’s great that he seemed to appreciate the “news” for what it was.

    The problem seem to be how many times we have to tell them…:/

  13.  #13Francesca on May 21, 2012 at 8:46 am


    Ditto! 🙂

  14.  #14Jenny on May 21, 2012 at 8:47 am

    I feel smiling, I agree with Rori – and this I have seen so many times: Men are betten by us, they dont know how to behave allways.

    So when they meet any of us sirens, they feel things – tjey love the feeling they get, but it scares them too. Its new for them, something they long for, but dont know what it is, since well they all have their own past.

    I try to remember this, not take things personal when they go into their men cave.

    Men very rare go away becourse they dont like us, they often go away to process, think…and maybe they are su unused to the feelings we give them, they get confused.

    Hmm I’m feeling my diva is upset, she is so darn impatience and selfish sometimes – got to love her.

    Flower CD have been online, and visit my profile, with my new photo – and NO comment, not sending me an mail and telling me how beautiful I’m – and NO my diva, he havent sent becourse he thinks I’m ugly. No listen to NV now. Sweet diva, you have been chatting with 2 good looking men, you have written mail to even more, feel happy.

    I know you like flowerCD, he is charming and good looking, with a body that ..arghhh…gahh – but relax, breath. Enjoy them all.

    I feel smiling, I should have learned by now; never expect anything, be surprice.

  15.  #15Femininewoman on May 21, 2012 at 8:56 am

    Francesca I believe “the fantasy” of chemistry is what we see in the movies and read in fictional novels and fairytales. We believe the fantasy and unconsciously expect it in real life. Ditching the fantasy of chemistry for me is like getting out of my head and letting go of expectations. When I am in my body I will get the necessary clues for chemistry.

  16.  #16Jenny on May 21, 2012 at 8:58 am

    # 9 Femininewoman

    Easy: I think as it as an compliment towards me: “Aww, thank you,I feel warm and smiling. I love being desiered”

    And then its my job, to get them want more then just sex.

    Course NO man on this earth will take contact with a woman, wnat to know her, if he aint feel that sexuall attraction when he sees her. So then it is ower job to make them feel more then just the physical attraction.

    (ofc a man can take contact with you – if he needs help, or you work in a store, or you walk into your store and he is trying to sell you things – but you all know what i mean)

    So getting angry or making a man wrong for wanting sex, feeling physical attraction – its like shooting yourelf in the foot, its like saying he dont have the right to be an man. My two cent.

    I allow them to like my body, wanting to have sex wih me – just also let them se my heart, and keep my bounderies. They see a woman who deeply love herself, and that makes them even more attracted.

  17.  #17Starla on May 21, 2012 at 9:02 am

    I thought CF was the perfect combination of “good guy” and “desirable.”

    I bet you 10 bucks I would have ran the other way if he had said he loved me or made concrete moves to keep me in his life.

    I wish it all felt easier.

  18.  #18Tam on May 21, 2012 at 9:04 am

    Francesca 🙂
    I do feel some men need guidance from us, it’s just how to do it without offending them, ‘explaining’, or doing it in masculine energy, that is the trick….
    I haven’t quite learnt it yet and usually just blurt something out and later regret it….learning though… 🙂
    One guy even said to me: ‘I never realised it is so important to understand a woman’s feelings, I am learning’…ha!! And some are willing to and some are not….I think even a so called ‘bad man’ or ‘player’ can change if he wants to, because I have seen little changes in men like that, depending on how WE see them, how much space we give them to change…in the end I think there is always potential if a man tries to please us and tries to make us happy – some are better at it than others…but it’s usually issues that hold people back. And who am I to judge? I have plenty of my own. Life is a learning curve for all of us, men and women.

  19.  #19Francesca on May 21, 2012 at 9:09 am

    Well FW, I’ve never been one to believe in movie fantasies. Of course, it’s nice to dream that they could be real but I never thought they were.

    I can’t think of a movie from which I could say “hey, this is how I’d like to be swept off my feet”.

    It’s also a fact that we do “get” to know who we are attracted to by our nose with a little help from our pheromones.

    I tend to believe that.

    I know I couldn’t be with a man whose smell repulses me.

  20.  #20Tam on May 21, 2012 at 9:09 am

    (((Starla)))) – I don’t think you’d have run if he’d told you that he loved you and wanted to keep you in his life….perhaps you were hoping for it and all those insecurities didn’t help – that’s how I feel when a man doesn’t make it clear that he wants me and loves me…I mess it up because I don’t feel safe. And I believe if a man wants you he can step up.
    Sorry love, I know it’s hard. 🙁
    We should have an anti man-crack party…my crack has just surfaced again also and I want to throw my mobile phone out of the window. AAAAARGH!! 😉

  21.  #21Radlove on May 21, 2012 at 9:21 am


    15 – Whoaaa! Profound!

  22.  #22Francesca on May 21, 2012 at 9:23 am


  23.  #23Radlove on May 21, 2012 at 9:24 am


    16 – You said that well.

  24.  #24Emerson on May 21, 2012 at 9:24 am

    What Rori is talking about in this article makes me think of OrangeCrushCD! At first I was like whatever, he’s just another guy at work blah blah ….but he’s been so sweet and giving and has positive energy toward me and all gaga! It’s so cute and he’s become SO attractive to me!

    It could be a problem with the work setting though, and I’m feeling a lil concerned about that.

    Hmm..we shall see where it goes…

  25.  #25Radlove on May 21, 2012 at 9:31 am


    You too…very wise sounding…you Sirens all rock!

    Rori sure does open up some cages and I have had so many revelations in exploring her words. It feels scary at times to fly out of the cage, but freedom awaits!

  26.  #26Ruth-Aurora on May 21, 2012 at 9:33 am

    hello there, sirens,

    I really believe that men want to please us in bed -it’s part of their self-esteem as well. Some of them may have no idea how, but they try as best as they know.

    Some may be very selfish, most of them, like us, more or less selfish, in different ways. Like Tam I also believe that bad and good show up in different variations in all of us.

    Anyway, yesterday i was on my first date in a long time, and i felt good about it! I managed to be open and honest and share my feelings, and i also trusted my boundaries –

    a big step in the right direction 🙂

  27.  #27Radlove on May 21, 2012 at 9:35 am


    19 – Well you are wise to not have been sucked in by movie romances.

    Sadly, I was the opposite. In my social backwardness, I sat home in safety and purposefully studied movies as a means of learning about people skills and relationships. I studied expressions, facial expressions, gestures, etc.

    And now that I’ve ventured into the scary world of people, I find that what I learned wasn’t accurate. So it still feels scary at many junctures.

  28.  #28Starla on May 21, 2012 at 9:36 am

    Yeah, well I am a serious crackhead and ended up at Alaska’s house last night where he cooked me food and kept me entertained. I invited myself over.

    This morning I feel guilty because I don’t like him very much and also itching for more mancrack, hoping he invites me to lunch.

    I have serious f*cking issues.

    I feel angry with myself.

    I feel angry with CF. Where is he? Grrrr

  29.  #29Femininewoman on May 21, 2012 at 9:42 am

    Francesca I believe that the fantasy is subtly weaved into culture that for the most part it affects our beliefs but flies below the radar of our consciousness that we act out on them without really realizing it. Girls learn it as soon as they start playing with dolls is my thinking. There is the doll house with the perfect family and the roles each person palys. I believe it is all subtle.

  30.  #30Femininewoman on May 21, 2012 at 9:49 am

    RE 20 Tam the last man who kept saying “I want you, I want you forever” and “you are my woman” also seemed to be so sexual and chemically charged that I always had questions about what was wrong with him, so I am not sure I agree with you on this one.

  31.  #31kdr on May 21, 2012 at 9:50 am

    I’ve watched the HBO series “Girls” and found it fascinating. The writer/star/director is Lena Dunham and she’s 25 years old. She wrote/directed/starred in the movie “Tiny Furniture”; it had a very similar flavor to “Girls”.

    Here is a link to an interview with Lena (by the same guy who wrote this article) and she shares her views and experiences with men and sex amongst people her age. Really interesting.


  32.  #32Emerson on May 21, 2012 at 9:52 am

    Lizka from previous thread looking at FB and seeing friends/associates at bbqs and parties etc….When I experience that I find that so triggering too like why didn’t they ask me???
    So I also realized it may be not that fun or that big of a deal as people make it look on FB. I also find myself looking at FB less and less….because of all these things that trigger me to compare my life to others’,….
    Glad you’re off today to have fun with your friend!

  33.  #33Radlove on May 21, 2012 at 9:55 am


    This man crack stuff you are talking about is really giving me a wake up call for myself.

    What is the solution? I mean, if I force myself to attend to my life, will the feelings follow? Because when I work on dishes, house cleaning, etc, the whole time i feel preoccupied with men

  34.  #34Tam on May 21, 2012 at 10:04 am

    FW – I had exactly the same predicament….with the ‘good guy’ supposedly, he was also very sexually charged and it wound me up to the extent that I did not feel like sex anymore – and he started getting nasty, well subtly nasty, like leaving at 5am because we did not have sex the night before (one day out of 7). Up until then he had been the model boyfriend and doing all those things that felt right. And from then it all went downwards because I started feeling used just for sex….which wasn’t the case, it was just sooooo much more important to him.
    It feels sometimes like we can’t win, but on balance I do think it is better to have a man who wants you and expresses such with words and acts then to hanker after someone who is cool and stand-offish.
    It so happened that I dropped good guy or seemingly good guy for Mr Unavailable (who treated me more like a friend than anything else). Slowly coming to the conclusion that neither was right for me. Who knows?

  35.  #35Lizka on May 21, 2012 at 10:05 am

    Ahhh thank you Emerson, you are adorable 🙂

  36.  #36Tam on May 21, 2012 at 10:06 am

    Radlove and Starla..the man crack..mee too mee too!! AAArgh. How to go cold Turkey???? I don’t feel circular dating is helping me right now at all with concentrating on myself and healing. I do not want to be preoccupied with men, I want them to float around me while I am too busy doing something for ME. And barely noticing they are there!! That’s what I want to feel like!!
    But how???

  37.  #37Francesca on May 21, 2012 at 10:07 am

    FW @29

    I never played with dolls, I was never interested in them.

    Instead, I rode my bike and played guys games and sports.

    I was very much of a tomboy when I was a kid.

    That might be why it’s so hard for me to feel feminine as much as I’d like to.

  38.  #38Francesca on May 21, 2012 at 10:10 am

    Although I admit having a fantasy about my knight in shining armour once…but that lasted about five minutes, right after my older sister told me there was no such thing.

  39.  #39Queenbee on May 21, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Lol, ok I get it now ‘mancrack’ – lol. I was feeling triggered with the word. Haha, I have this problem… I got attached to HAman coz of the sex. I definitely feel better than I felt last year… but I wish I knew what to do. How to get him out of my life for good.

    I was thinking of giving him the ‘we’re not a match speech’… that would feel soooo good. Granted, I would feel guilty after… and maybe sad. But after a few days, I would probably feel sooo much better. No more waiting, hoping, having great moments together then nothing. It will just all be done. Then I can open myself up to a new man to come into my life.

    Granted I still have to teach him. But that I can do…. if he wants to stay. I don’t feel bad about teaching him, it’s a totally different thing. I just want to end all the other part…. Getting/ feeling close… then nothing.

    I feel so sad ((((Queenbee))))

  40.  #40Ella on May 21, 2012 at 10:14 am


    I feel lonely.

    And hopeless and frustrated.

    I might give up coffee and sugar next.

    They seem to make me feel like this.


    There won’t be anything to give up soon!

    MWC has not been in touch today.

    I feel sad that we seem to have become so distant. Or so it feels right now.

    Contact from him is getting less than it used to be. I feel confused.

    But whatever.

    I dunno.

    Everytime I think we are disconnected we connect up again and its ok… but I just don’t feel as much energy coming towards me these days from him.

    Have been trying to CD day to day but I feel so shy to hold eye contact with guys atm.


    Feeling lonely right now.

  41.  #41Ella on May 21, 2012 at 10:17 am

    Last night he wanted me to come over last min and I said no.

    I wonder if he is sulking.

    Hmmm, doesn’t mean I don’t love him though.


    Feeling frustrated right now.

    I feel impatient.

    I want my perfect life already (stamps feet).


    Keep trying to help people and women in different ways and so many times its not really happening (talking about work stuff now) although there is stuff going on…

    Just feels so slow sometimes.

  42.  #42Queenbee on May 21, 2012 at 10:18 am

    Going to workout. Back later…

    Love to all ((((Sirens))))

  43.  #43sunshine on May 21, 2012 at 10:30 am

    Does feeling scared infront of a man that I dont know well mean 1) He could be a great guy and the chemistry/ potential for something great is what feels scary or 2) I feel scared because my intuition tells me hes toxic
    I feel weird because I cant tell from these two extremes all I know is I feel scared any input from anyone? or from their own experience?
    Rori, how can I tell? what about online because a guy is pursuing me on there havent met but when I look at his photos read his profile I feel scared yet theres nothing obviously creepy about him I just dont feel right but Im not sure what that means.

  44.  #44sophie on May 21, 2012 at 10:37 am

    The ‘mancrack’ thing is very hard – I’m just messaging on the internet at the moment not even really meeting people – feeling too vulnerable after recent break up but trying to redirect my focus – even just messaging I have found the one I love the best and I look for him everytime I go online! I haven’t even met him and am in love with the fantasy argh! I forgive myself for it cos I know i’m not at full strength at the moment and I try to balance out the man using with other more sireny activities 🙂

  45.  #45Jenny on May 21, 2012 at 10:42 am

    # 43 Sunshine.

    I’m guessing right now:
    I think you feel afraid you aint good enough, afraid of rejection.

    As long as you are just talking by email, chatting – and you dont tell rackable stuff about yourself (like full name, adress, where you wokr) you willl be perfect safe – he cant hurt you.
    Just write to him, practice using fm.

    Digg deeper inside yourself; what does feel wrong? Do you want to meet in in a safe place?

    maybe it feels “wrong” since your own belifes about you is blocking you off.

    Practice, talk with all men – soon you will become better on feel your feelings. You will start to feel diffrent from guts and NV. Diffrent frpom guts and your own fears.

  46.  #46sophie on May 21, 2012 at 10:44 am

    (((((Calypso))))) I could identify with what you said and then I get soooo confused because there are some men who are interested and showing us they’re interested and I feel the same as you I recoil I feel frightened I think I’m going to hurt his feelings I want him away from me – but then if you don’t feel attraction you don’t feel attraction – how do we know when we don’t feel attraction because we don’t feel attraction and when we don’t feel attraction cos we’re running from a nice man! I so thought I’d met a man last year who was both nice and I was attracted to but he turned out to be unavailable and toxic – rori says to trust ourselves but I so don’t trust myself 🙁

  47.  #47Ella on May 21, 2012 at 10:45 am

    Hmmm, why do I always out everything through negative filters?

    I mean maybe MWC is just busy… why don’t I just assume he totally still loves me and there is no issue?

    That would be more sensible than to assume something is wrong wouldn’t it!!!

    Hmmm, I am going to practice assuming the best and see how that feels.

    I know I am super fabolous anyway.


  48.  #48Femininewoman on May 21, 2012 at 10:47 am

    Hi ,

    Have you ever done the “I Am” exercise?

    To perform this exercise, you need to be somewhere where you can be at peace. Go for a walk in nature or just stand quietly in front of your mirror.

    Look at yourself and start saying the words “I am…” followed by what you want to affirm.

    I am powerful.

    I am beautiful.

    I am amazing.

    I am generous.

    I am loving.

    I am lucky.

    I am alive.

    You start saying things like that and keep going for as long as you can.

    You just think about the beauty of “I am”, the beauty of you, the amazing personal gifted individual you are.

    And really try to feel the words as you say them.

    Try it out. Try it every single day.

    You’ll start getting rid of a lot of your anxieties that you have in meeting the opposite sex.

    The anxieties will go because you will realize what you already are everything that you’ve wanted.

    I am…

    Time for you to fill in your “I ams” and watch the changes that begin to happen for you – from the inside out.

    Your friend,

    David Wygant

  49.  #49Starla on May 21, 2012 at 10:54 am

    I wish Rori would write a post specifically about man-crack.

  50.  #50LiliBee on May 21, 2012 at 10:54 am

    Hi Sirens 🙂

    Glad to see you coming around the blog again Lizka, I missed your presence here 🙂

    I stayed home today to take care of my own stuff, as I did Saturday.

    This is D’s 2nd weekend off, and he’s wanting me with him all the time.
    It feels so good to feel him really ‘with’ me.
    I can really enjoy being with him now in the present moment, without feeling that pesky clingy neediness I used to.
    But I am finding it a little bit of a challenge to stay connected to myself.
    I feel protective of this alone time with myself.
    He was going to his sister’s to help her cut down a dead tree in her yard.
    I told her I would be there, but I spent all Saturday evening with her and D’s family.
    I told him I felt my hair all icky and didn’t bring my hairdryer and flatiron, and that there was a bunch of stuff I wanted to get done at my place before we leave for vacation in 2 weeks.
    He looked all sad.
    I hugged him real long and said that I really enjoy being with him and his family, but I feel neglectful of myself if I don’t take care of me.

    He never liked these long hugs before, but now he seems to enjoy them. He hugs me back for a long time every time.
    The look on his face when I drive off makes me feel so good.
    He has such a happy and peaceful look on his face.

    I feel guilty and afraid when I 1st tell him I want to go back to my place.
    Before he used to interpret it as personal rejection like I wasn’t interested.
    He must know better by now.
    I feel less guilty and afraid of his interpretation today, than I did when I did this ‘me’ time Saturday morning.
    I know I will feel better and refreshed being with him next time we’re together.
    If I neglect my ‘me’ time and doing my own stuff, I know it will leave me feeling trapped, tense and withdrawn.

  51.  #51Femininewoman on May 21, 2012 at 11:08 am

    I used to be more dog-like in my relationships
    with men than cat-like. I made so many dog-like
    mistakes and I didn’t have a clue what I was
    doing. However, I eventually learned that to be
    happy in a relationship, I needed to put my inner
    dog aside and learn to focus on my inner cat.

    So how do you know if you’re being too dog-like
    in your relationships? Here are the qualities of the inner dog:

    >>>Dogs are always eager to please.

    >>>Dogs demand very little other than food and

    >>>Dogs are fiercely loyal even to their owners who abuse them.

    >>>Dogs will follow you wherever you go, always
    watching for your reactions and approval.

    >>>Dogs will beg for love.

    These are all wonderful qualities in a pet, but
    these are not the qualities you want to embrace as
    a woman in a love relationship.

    But that was me, always trying so hard to please. I was single and I was feeling desperate and needy. I eventually realized that being dog-like was not working for me.

    As luck would have it, I was cast as “the cat” in a stage play of “Animal Farm” by George Orwell. The cat was the only animal in the play with no lines.

    All I did on stage was saunter up to anyone who
    would pet me or lazily look for anything I could
    rub myself against. This was meant to be an
    exaggeration of the pleasure loving nature of a
    cat, but in truth, it is a large part of their essence.

    At the time I had a cat named Nova and I studied her intently for my role. I could see that she had many desirable qualities that kept me at her beck and call. As they say, ‘no one really owns a cat, a cat owns you.’

    She gave me insight into a more feminine way of
    being with a man. It took me a long time to understand what I was doing wrong but now, years
    later; I embrace my inner cat with gusto.

    Here are the qualities of a cat that you can use to increase your feminine allure:

    · Cats are independent.

    · Cats are unpredictable.

    · Cats are playful.

    · Cats are curious.

    · Cats embody a sense of mystery.

    · Cats won’t always come when you call.

    · Cats keep themselves well groomed.

    · Cats know what they want and don’t want.

    And just as importantly — cats know how to relax! They can relax so totally because they are at peace with who they are. There is nothing more feminine than a cat stretched out full length for a nap.

    It’s a challenge to embody these qualities if you’re used to being more dog-like.

    One thing you can do to help you be more catlike is keep an image of a particular cat in your mind. Call on it whenever you feel you aregoing into that “man-pleasing dog territory.”

    Cats will keep you under a love spell. Whatever
    they want, you’re happy to give it to them. They don’t always seem grateful and they will keep you guessing. But at night, when a cat curls up to sleep beside you realize that you are loved and appreciated. They make you feel like the luckiest
    person in the world.

    That’s how a man wants to feel — that’s the
    feminine allure of relishing your inner cat.

    Love, Virginia Feingold-Clark

  52.  #52ReceivingGirl on May 21, 2012 at 11:09 am

    I agree with a lot of this article. I do think we women create problems for ourselves. I know I have.

    Radlove, I’m also preoccupied with man thoughts all the time. It’s so hard to stop all that thinking!

  53.  #53Starla on May 21, 2012 at 11:23 am

    alaska is texting me sweet compliments

    *eats it up*

    stupid CF, I feel so angry at him still.

  54.  #54Francesca on May 21, 2012 at 11:25 am

    FW @51

    Thank you for that article.

    I will try to be more catlike.

    Back to being a boy now though, I gotta finish cleaning!

  55.  #55Starla on May 21, 2012 at 11:27 am

    not “still” angry at cf. more like finally consistently angry.

  56.  #56sophie on May 21, 2012 at 11:30 am

    I am being angry as much as I can be mostly I just feel despairing I cannot beliiieeeeevvvvveeeee he is seeing someone else within 3 weeks of our break up

  57.  #57ReceivingGirl on May 21, 2012 at 11:32 am

    @37 Francesca

    Me too. All the neighborhood kids were boys, so I had to learn how to hold my own. Which I did. I could give them a look & have them run from me. I wasn’t messed with & they all still liked to play with me.

    I did have a few girlie toys like cabbage patch & my little pony. I had an easy bake oven & drew a lot. Otherwise, I was playing with bugs, climbing trees, playing in the creek catching crawfish & frogs, playing sports with the boys.

  58.  #58LiliBee on May 21, 2012 at 11:33 am


    Gee, Thanks FW!

    That really puts my day into perpective.
    I am being a cat. hmmm, interesting way of seeing it.

    I didn’t feel good at all being a dog before.

    Being a cat makes me feel uneasy. I’m scared of rocking the boat.
    It’s unfamiliar territory, stepping out of my familiar ‘comfort’ zone.
    I do know that I’ll feel better being the cat than being the dog.

    I’m rocking back and forth feeling my way into feeling balanced between being too withdrawn and being overfunctioning.
    I’ve been both, way too much one way, then way too much the other.
    Now I’m finding the healthy balance. It feels scary.

  59.  #59Radlove on May 21, 2012 at 11:35 am


    51 – Excellent!

  60.  #60LiliBee on May 21, 2012 at 11:39 am



    I remember that anger very well.
    So you know what’s underneath it?

  61.  #61Ella on May 21, 2012 at 11:39 am


    I LOVE the article about cats…

    Thank You,


  62.  #62Ella on May 21, 2012 at 11:43 am


    I am having a slightly tough time being a cat sometimes.

    I know I want to be a cat. I intend to be a cat.

    Ummm, when you and D were not close and he was not coming at you… how did you cherish yourself and keep your vibe up to feel good and wonderful anyway?

    How do I not care?

    Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don’t.

    Any pointers?


  63.  #63ReceivingGirl on May 21, 2012 at 11:45 am

    FW, I also enjoyed the dog/cat article. Makes a lot of sense. Thank you!

  64.  #64Femininewoman on May 21, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    Join Us Again Tomorrow Night for a FREE Teleseminar About Women’s Instincts in Dating, Career and Life…
    …Called “The Graces.”
    DATE & TIME: Tuesday, May 22nd at 6:00pm Central
    FORMAT: Simulcast! (Attend via Phone or Webcast — it’s your choice)

    On Tuesday, 6pm CST, Call 303.390.0043
    Guest pin code: 065011#
    Dr Paul
    Women’s Happiness Magazine

  65.  #65Femininewoman on May 21, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    Join Us Again Tomorrow Night for a FREE Teleseminar About Women’s Instincts in Dating, Career and Life…
    …Called “The Graces.”
    DATE & TIME: Tuesday, May 22nd at 6:00pm Central
    FORMAT: Simulcast! (Attend via Phone or Webcast — it’s your choice)

    On Tuesday, 6pm CST, Call 303.390.0043
    Guest pin code: 065011#
    Dr Paul
    Women’s Happiness Magazine

  66.  #66Femininewoman on May 21, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    Do you want to be happy in love?

    Then you need to know this…

    Here’s the “Happiness Myth”: Happiness comes when we reach our desires.

    Here’s the “Happiness Fact”: Learning Happiness DELIVERS our desires to us.

    It has been proven that becoming happy-just-as-you-are is actually a SHORTCUT to achieving anything you want in your life. (And time and again men have told me it’s the MOST important trait a woman can have! Happiness! (Especially when you’re responding to HIM…)

    Plus it’s been proven that happy people live longer, healthier, more fulfilled lives and make more money while they’re at it!

    That’s why I’ve joined over 2 dozen other speakers I adore in the FREE upcoming video (not audio – video!) series, The Secrets to Lasting Happiness, hosted by adorable happiness expert, Bec Robbins.

    Discover the secrets that will show you EXACTLY how to rewire your brain so that you are Happy no matter what! (I share some ancient spiritual tips to making myself far happier in my marriage than I’d otherwise be that I’ve never shared before.)

    Reserve your spot here.


  67.  #67LiliBee on May 21, 2012 at 12:26 pm



    I spent alot of time here on the blog.
    This is where I got the idea from Butterfly Wings to look at meetup groups.
    I found 2 local websites for meetup groups.
    I never went to any of them, but just the idea that it was readily available for me to go meet new people and do fun activities on my own without having to depend on D.
    That alone really shifted my vibe.
    I began to feel like I didn’t need him to have a life.
    That shift in my vibe attracted people to me.
    I really felt like I was just fine and happy on my own.
    I started receiving all sorts of invitations from all sorts of people.
    These are people that were around me for a long time but never invited me anywhere.
    But my new fun vibe had them seeing me differently and they started inviting me out all the time.

    When D came back around as usual, I had something different to tell.
    Instead of saying ‘same ole routine’ which consisted of doing my own little thing cooped up in my appartment, I had plenty of fun stuff to tell him about.

    Just keep exploring what makes you feel good and be open to anything.

    Btw, zumba class really pumped up my vibe!
    My instructors are fun and playful during our routines, and I’ve met new fun girlfriends there.
    I started going there when D and I broke up.
    Another fun thing I had to tell when he would ask me what I’d been up to.

    When I think back at all those things, I remember that it was tapping with Margaret Lynch on Youtube that unblocked my stuck energy and I began feeling more open and welcoming to other people.
    I tapped on “resistence” alot and it got easier grasping all the lessons I learned here.
    I felt alot of energy freely flowing, I felt an overwhelming urge for adventure…to step out of my comfort zone.
    Really, that’s when all these fun possibilities and people popped up around me inviting me everywhere, on vacation trips, outtings, anything.

    You’ll find it searching for “Margaret Lynch resistence” on Youtube.
    It felt rediculous at 1st, but I kept at it for only 1 or 2 weeks, and my whole life did a 180 flip as of that time.

  68.  #68Starla on May 21, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    Lilibee, 60, yes I kind of know what’s underneath the anger. It’s like, a fear of being inadequate and being abandoned for it. And when he broke up with me, I just focused all my energy for about a week on loving me and sending lots of love to me, so fortunately he did not get under my skin. But as a human who knew me and all my fears very intimately after 9 months together, he should have known that never speaking to me again would HURT like h*ll. I get the feeling he is p*ssed about something that he never told me about. Eh *shrugs*

  69.  #69Daria on May 21, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    Sophie – 3 weeks? Most of my guy friends would be seeing a woman instantly as they’re out the door.

    It’s a very healthy human instinct and behavior… Just what dr Paul recommends for us women. When feeling rejection, immediately turn 180 away and let other sources of self esteem and femininity – other mens attention in the environment – in to your energy and heart.

    Rather than bemoan that this guy has healthy instincts – and use that as an excuse to blame him and beat yourself up – I would take it as an example of how to care for myself and be the same!

    Please, don’t be the one who beats on herself and suffers out of loyalty or ‘virtue.’. We think ‘we have to feel bad’ and we don’t! What if you skip the — feel bad and obsess part –and go into the opening up to sources of love in environment part?

  70.  #70Starla on May 21, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    I still feel paranoid about the hacker sending him something awful in my name, too.

    I feel angry at the multitude of ‘uknowns,’ between him not speaking to me and my wondering if it’s because the hacker wasn’t bluffing.


    just so out of control


    Dear Universe, I trust you.

  71.  #71ReceivingGirl on May 21, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    Mr. Observant just emailed me, he really enjoyed the time he spent with me, he would like to see me again sometime and looks forward to talking with me again.


  72.  #72Starla on May 21, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    what’s unnerving about guys getting involved with someone else so quickly is that they tend to get “in relationships” very fast. It’s almost like they KNOW (because they learned from being with US) that if they want to keep their rebound around for as long as they’d like, they can’t come at it casually.

    Rebounds are normal and healthy, and if anything, I’d say someone who rebounds is obviously very hurt by your absence, even if they initiated it. They are trying to fill a void that was created when you left. It’s not so easy to fill. Don’t doubt your special connection, Sophie, just because he went on a rebound. If anything, let it be PROOF that you are very special and hard to forget.

  73.  #73ReceivingGirl on May 21, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    @70 (((Starla)))

    I don’t think you need to worry about the hacker. I’m sure he would have said something if the hacker had sent anything.

  74.  #74Calypso on May 21, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    So – I went on a date with a new POF guy this weekend – RL and he was very nice and he has asked me out again for a concert this weekend. I said yes and I’m looking forward to it, but now he is texting me daily and wanting to talk on the phone and everything in me just wants to tell him not to get too attached to me…. I don’t want to fall into an instant relationship again. I have other guys on POF that i am talking to, plus GM is still in the picture and although i know I need to go out and have fun with a lot of different men, I have a hard time knowing how to manage that. I can tell already he really likes me and he does not know many people here, so he is going to try to see me and talk to me a lot. he is lonely – I’m not . . .

    What to do?

  75.  #75LoveAlways on May 21, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    This was a great article! I agree with Rori. I’m open to more types of men that I’ve been. I give each one a fair shot. I pass up on the bad boys and unavailable men because in the long run, they are toxic.

  76.  #76Francesca on May 21, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    Starla @68

    “I get the feeling he is p*ssed about something that he never told me about.”

    Starla, without being indiscrete, what makes you say that?

  77.  #77Starla on May 21, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    maybe not totally HEALTHY, as someone ends up hurt/misleading the other, but they are normal…

  78.  #78LiliBee on May 21, 2012 at 12:53 pm


    ” Here’s the “Happiness Fact”: Learning Happiness DELIVERS our desires to us.

    It has been proven that becoming happy-just-as-you-are is actually a SHORTCUT to achieving anything you want in your life. (And time and again men have told me it’s the MOST important trait a woman can have! Happiness! (Especially when you’re responding to HIM…) ”


    As soon as I began feeling happy all on my own from within, that’s when everything shifted!

  79.  #79LoveAlways on May 21, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    I’ve only dated one “good” guy in the past few years … we got along so well and it lasted a long time too, alas, our differences were to great to overcome. So how do you recognize a good guy nowadays?

  80.  #80Starla on May 21, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    well, it’s been about 6 weeks, so maybe he will SAY SOMETHING to me soon, since everyone says ‘oh they come back after 2 months’

    and the tricky part will be saying how second class i felt being broken up with in an email and never spoken to again, and how frustrating it was having my last words to him interpreted negatively when what I was saying was very positive, instead of leaping back into his arms.



  81.  #81Francesca on May 21, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    Was it ever dirty here!

    It shows that I haven’t had time to do anything in my apartment.

    I cleared out the clutter and recycled a lot of old magazines and washed the floors…the water was just filthy.

    Feels embarrassing to share that. 🙁

    Hope you won’t think I’m a pig.

  82.  #82ReceivingGirl on May 21, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    @81 Francesca

    I did the same thing last week. I hadn’t had time in the last 16 weeks with school to really keep a clean house. It was bad. No, you’re not a pig…sometimes we just get busy! 🙂

  83.  #83Daria on May 21, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    Francesca – whoa! I would do some EFT on that belief that you are a pig or the fear that you will be thought of that way!

    It doesn’t feel good to be worried about that!

  84.  #84Starla on May 21, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    I wonder if having a script ready for when CF does contact me might make me feel more resolved/better?

    for now, time seems to be on my side:) and every day i feel a little bit better!

  85.  #85ReceivingGirl on May 21, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    I’m not sure if I should just take it one day at a time and see how things go with Mr. Observant or if I should tell him upfront about my feeling cautious.

  86.  #86Daria on May 21, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    Calypso – i would just keep dating him and giving him the opportunity to be around me and win me over.

    i don’t owe any man i date tthat i feel a certain way.

    all im promising is my time (and honest feminine self)

  87.  #87Francesca on May 21, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    RG @82

    Busy being away and spending time with my sweetie, that is.

    At least, it was time well spent! 🙂

  88.  #88Calypso on May 21, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    Thanks, Daria. I have not dated very many men past 2 or 3 dates and I’ve had sex with every man I’ve dated for very long (Only 4 and I was married to one of them for 23 years!), so this is new to me! I don’t want to have sex with him, but I don’t want to stop seeing him because of it, whcih is what I usually do. I’ve been kind of all or nothing – I don’t know how to navigate all of that inbetween stuff – I think I am terrified of that!

  89.  #89LiliBee on May 21, 2012 at 1:15 pm



    That’s how I felt too, like he was out to hurt me for something I did (or didn’t do).

    I was inadequate the whole 1st year we were together.
    That’s OK, coz I was just a baby learning.
    I’m learning what I didn’t get the chance to learn when I was growing up.

    I would tell him “I get it now! I realize how I was. Why do you need to punish me for it!”

    Truth is, I was punishing myself and not forgiving myself for having been ‘inadequate’.
    That’s what ‘holding on to all that turmoil’ was all about.

    My close friends would tell me that I was beating myself on the head for judging myself inadequate.
    I would argue “It’s not beating myself on the head, it’s being honest with myself and being a responsible adult by owning it.”

    I see you doing that Starla.
    You didn’t get the loving nurturing parents to teach you, but you are being the adult raising yourself now.
    You just need to be the loving understanding nurturing parent for yourself that you never had but needed.
    I finally became that parent and cut myself some slack for having been that immature scared child.
    Once I truly deeply forgave myself for not having been perfect, and started giving myself full permission to be fun and happy…I let go of the relationship fully…Fun and happy showed up for me all over the place…including D.

    As you may remember, he did hurt me in the worst way he knew I would be.

    I feel scared of looking all arrogant almighty preechy with what I just wrote.

    I feel such love for you Starla, the love and compassion I feel for myself I feel for you…coz I see myself so much in you.
    I had to struggle so hard to learn on my own coz I grew up abandoned by an unavailable mom.

    I am the adult in charge of me now! I get to give myself all I didn’t get growing up.
    I get to give myself the feeling of worthiness of being happy!

  90.  #90Francesca on May 21, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    Daria, it doesn’t really worry me, seriously.

    It’s just that most people I know are cleaner than I am.

    And to tell you the truth, I don’t really mind if everything is not sparkly clean all the time.

    I was just surprised that it was so dirty here, it didn’t really show, you know?

  91.  #91Starla on May 21, 2012 at 1:21 pm


  92.  #92Daria on May 21, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    Francesca – i feel glad its not really a worry

    the way the post worded – to me indicates some beliefs are in there that I personally wouldn’t want to be carrying! I’d use EFT to explore and heal and shift some of that

    our use of words is a window into our subconscious mind! and its a lovely way to discover under the surface stuff that may have way more of an impact on our idenitity and the way we experience the world than we initially think with our conscious minds

  93.  #93LiliBee on May 21, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    I feel incredibly deliriously happy right now 😀

    My skin is all tingly, I feel my heart inflating wanting to burst with joy! 😀

    D just called from his sister’s house (it’s an hour drive away) where he spent the day helping her with her yard (she’s single).
    Anyway, he called to tell me he was going to stay there for supper at his parents next door.
    He never gave a 2nd thought to do that before! He would just let me wait without a word.
    I felt so touched.

    I said “well it’s a good time for me to have that lobster for supper that you hate.”
    He giggled.
    I notice how I let him off the hook by doing something I will enjoy while he’s free enjoying his time with his family.

    I said “I would have loved to be there with you and your family, I miss you. But I don’t want to feel neglectful of myself.
    I know if I take care of my stuff I will feel refreshed and carefree while I’m with you for the rest of the week.”
    He replied “I definitely love that. It’s a great trade-off.”
    I could feel his smile accross the phone 🙂

    I leaned forward by asking if I could go sleepover at his place tonight.
    He told me he would be home around 7:30 and he would love to see me there.
    He sounded excited about coming home.
    I felt soooo surprised!
    NEVER EVER would he give me a time before!
    Heck, NEVER EVER would he even call me while he was busy with other people before!

    I feel so excited!!! 😀

    So far, he’s been super consistent since we got back to seeing each other at the end of March.
    He keeps surprising me every day with stuff that I’ve begged of him and never got before the breakup.

  94.  #94Daria on May 21, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    Calypso – well you’re doing AMAZING! by intending to practice!

    here’s how to navigate it – its still terrifying – tell the truth.

    you dont have to go out your way to tell him you are not feeling attracted to him. lol… just like you dont have to go out your way to tell a man he’s wearing a shirt in a color you don’t like

    but you CAN say things like “i feel so nervous and uncomfortable dating!”

    “i feel so pressured dating sometimes… I feel so good getting a chance to know someone slowly”


    Also, YES let him kiss you when he first tries to, unless you feel absolutely repulsed

    THAT is important as part of opening up. You do not have to let him touch you sexually or anything, but kissing is the way for YOU

    thats important so im going to emphasize it – kissing is the way FOR YOU to build physical attraction

    one tiny kiss is enough, you don’t have to let it go on if it doesnt’ feel good

    and once you’ve let that happen, give yourself GIDDY hi 5’s for being brave and open!

  95.  #95Daria on May 21, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    Lilibee – your story feels fascinating inspiring and SO EXCITING!!

  96.  #96Daria on May 21, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    I’m going to Florida tonite! the cab is all paid for (i asked for it from CD) and coming to get me at 10 pm


    so thrilled

    my life is taking off

    what ive been wanting to manifest is happening!

    yay fro trusting myself

    yay for huge fulfilling happy exciting lovely life!

    nourishing and restful too

  97.  #97ReceivingGirl on May 21, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    Calypso, I agree with Daria. Also, don’t go on the first kiss either cause they are always a bit awkward and uncomfortable. But, they do get better. 🙂

  98.  #98ReceivingGirl on May 21, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    Daria – is the hotel all set up too? Florida will be so much fun! Have a great trip!

  99.  #99ReceivingGirl on May 21, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    When I get home, I’m going to respond to Mr. Observant and tell him I would feel happy to see him again. I enjoyed spending time with him too. Give him my number and tell him I look forward to hearing from him. I feel a little nervous.

  100.  #100Francesca on May 21, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    Woohoo, Daria! I hope you enjoy it!

  101.  #101Starla on May 21, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    Daria, enjoy your vacation:)

  102.  #102Jenny on May 21, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    I feel giggle ans a little stupied, was talking with my mother and giving her an update on my dates – she know about the site I’m on – and her only thoughts about it:

    “I trust you, I know you but your safty first, and I can see the change in you, we all can. And I’m so happy I got my daughter back (after my 6 years of deep depressin)”

    Anyway I was talking about me feeling a little odd he havent comented my new photo noir sent an sms.

    The my mother got to see my new profile picture – and she just said;

    “And you think it is strange he dont havent said anything? He have called you beautiful flower, he visists your profile every day, and now you have uploaded a very stunning picture of yourself – poor boy his proberly feeling a little insecure. You know the effect you have on men, give him time”

    And I feel stupied, my mother can be vise sometimes…and yeah I might have scared him with my “I feel beautiful, I belive you. I feel soft as a flower. Feel my heart beein moved. Feels good and safe”…I still belive he liked being able to touch my heart, got some kind of emotion inside him – this is just my impatience and diva speeking, and me listen to my NV…darn; how they allways manage to sneak in, those NVs.

    I was honest with how I felt, could proberly say something mre – but less is more.

    And my impatience diva is feeling angry right now – She need full attention every hour, from all men. I feel selfish, love my feeling of impatience and selfish.

    I was on a forum and there is an topic about single life and dating. And I see lots of young woman doing all the work, they hunt men down on FB, send friend request, and then start the chatt – i was about to post something about let the men do something themself. But I stoped myself. I dont have the energy to it. Adn yes that is from my diva too; selfish as she is; let those young woman learn for them self, I have tried before to tell them, they didnt listen then…so I let it be.

    ok diva, lets make a deal, we give Flower CD a week, then send something about miss the contact, and we like being called a flower…or hmm I need to think about it. But we dont send anything right now when we feel impatience and a little angry. I must feel soft and totelly open when sending….and not caring about the outcome.

    So focus on myself, recive attention from all those other men, and tbh we have more men contacting then we can keep track of.

    Yes diva I know you are in the middle of a flood of sexuall need right now, driven by the sun and hormons…and all men with hot bodies make your blood boil with lust (yes I can be as “bad” as the men) But patience will be rewarded….let the romantic girl also get her needs 🙂

    I feel wierd and giggle talking to my diffrent parts, and i swear that sometimes it aint fun being stuck int he middle of them 😛

  103.  #103LiliBee on May 21, 2012 at 2:14 pm


    Yey Daria! An exciting vacation adventure! Fun fun fun! 😀

  104.  #104Daria on May 21, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    Thanks ladies 🙂

    Actually I’ve been on vacation for a couple years now…

    I’m going to be on vacation for at least this whole lifetime…

    it feels so good 🙂

  105.  #105Daria on May 21, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    Jenny – wow your post feels so raw and amazing! i love how you talked to the parts of you

  106.  #106Daria on May 21, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    this is part of my manifesting plan – Florida, NY, then Brazil where i build my custom eco house 🙂

    oh also becoming a famous star that still gets privacy when i want it as well

    im on the way

    im feelin glad its manifesting for me!

    and its all FREE of course!

    im free we’re all free life is free!

  107.  #107Daria on May 21, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    this has really boosted my trust in myself and my manifesting power, and in life and just everything!

    yay me!!!!

    yay me for believing in me!

    yay me me me

  108.  #108Starla on May 21, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    yay, daria!

  109.  #109Ella on May 21, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    Owww, feeling a bit triggered.

    MWC has not been in touch all day… since last night.

    And now he is online on just one of my profiles… the one I use the least… but he is not saying anything.

    I don’t get it.

    I thought everything was ok.

    Feeling very weird.


  110.  #110Daria on May 21, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    🙂 thanks Starla!

    Feelin joyful….

    gonna eat quail eggs and feel even more nurture and joy from that now 🙂

  111.  #111Ella on May 21, 2012 at 2:44 pm



    Sitting here feeling triggered.

  112.  #112Brandylion on May 21, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    From the last thread, #541:

    The other guys are not a concern (and the lack of a current love interest as well), because I have a much higher degree of difficulty now. 5 minutes of my time is REALLY a true privilege that I do not bestow easily. I MUST HAVE FUN! That is one of my new Diva rules. If it’s not going to fun, I’m not going to bother.

    I really liked that, Love Always. Do you apply this even to first phone calls, dates, etc?

    I ask because I had an icky-feeling phone call with a new CD last night–details to follow–and part of me would feel bad telling him this since he would feel bad that it’s not feeling fun for me, but part of me wants to just do it if our next conversation also feels negative and icky.

  113.  #113Francesca on May 21, 2012 at 2:56 pm


    Please walk away from the computer and do something for you.

    Bring it back to you.

  114.  #114Ella on May 21, 2012 at 3:11 pm


    I did… I went and had a bath.

    When I came back there was a text message from him… shorter than normal though…


  115.  #115Brandylion on May 21, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    Lizka, to answer your question from the last thread, Sunday was my first marathon ever! I’ve never even raced a half, just a few 5Ks and 5-miler.

    I feel excited for yours next week! I felt a bit soft and squishy reading that you got a little teary reading about mine. 🙂

  116.  #116siren song on May 21, 2012 at 3:23 pm


    i love reading your story…it feels good to read that a relationship can heal so beautifully.

  117.  #117Radlove on May 21, 2012 at 3:24 pm


    You are taking a cab from CA to FL?!

  118.  #118Ella on May 21, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    Oh Gosh,

    Am having a really weird IM convo with MWC…

    feeling hella triggered.

    Its horrible.

    I feel really uncomfortable about where it is all heading.

  119.  #119Radlove on May 21, 2012 at 3:29 pm


    Is it time to step back and tell him, “I feel weird. I’ll talk to you later.”

  120.  #120LiliBee on May 21, 2012 at 3:34 pm

    Just finished my lobster feast. Yum! :q

    I didn’t get everything done that I wanted to.

    I prioritized what made me feel best and what I was most bothered by.
    I ironed my red cotton dress that has been hanging on my bedroom door for months, and finally could put it away.
    It will be ready for me to wear when I want to.
    Sorted through all my summer clothes which cleared lots of space in my drawers.

    I always feel so refreshed and free after decluttering 🙂

  121.  #121LiliBee on May 21, 2012 at 3:37 pm


    Thank you Siren Song.

    I want all sirens to know that it is truly all possible.

    I come from so far deep in the love gutter.

  122.  #122Femininewoman on May 21, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    Lilibee what would you say about trust and respect between you and D?

  123.  #123Femininewoman on May 21, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    Butterfly Wings, Sun Goddess and Laughing Goddess has been on my mind.

  124.  #124Radiant Rising on May 21, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    Love the gist of the article. Tired of hearing men be judged almost constantly by female counter parts. I know that kind of man mentioned in the article who wants a live woman to care for for as long as possible. He makes me want to smile and melt. 🙂

    No more unavailable men for me. *blech*

  125.  #125Starla on May 21, 2012 at 4:01 pm

    Laughing Goddess is on a trip
    BW is alive and well in facebook land

    Sun Goddess? Where are youuuuuuuuu

  126.  #126R.N.AmazingMe on May 21, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    I just wanted to share my happiness with you amazing sirens! I am over my past and just keep moving forward to better and blessed experiences to come. A great new job oh and congrats to you (((((RadLove)))))!! I feel at a strong point in my life and an overwhelming feeling of ease in my life. Comfort yet the will and strength to become better. I am gonna take like by the balls sirens!!! Who is with me?!!! Love you all:)

  127.  #127Radiant Rising on May 21, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    Amazing Me, I believe you and I are in the same boat! 🙂

  128.  #128Vi on May 21, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    I feel all teary reading the new post. I need so much healing… I feel like crying.. I feel compassion and tenderness for myself… I feel like hugging myself and saying it will be okay… (((((((((((((((((((((me)))))))))))))))))))

  129.  #129ReceivingGirl on May 21, 2012 at 4:34 pm


  130.  #130Sassy on May 21, 2012 at 4:35 pm


    I so feel your pain, frustration and confusion. I have wanted to tell you this for awhile, but didn’t because you seemed to be doing better. But after reading tonites posts it does not seem that way. JT and I started seeing each other in Oct of 2009. We were getting along fine, had ups and downs as all do, and then on Valentines Day of 2010, I stopped by his apt and he wasnt there although his truck and Harley were.
    We had a huge (unimportant reasons) fight and the next thing I knew, he went totally cold and silent on me.
    I was floored, hurt, confused, angry you name it, I felt it.
    I tried to text, call and email him for awhile but got nowhere.
    So I let it go, unfinished business sux!!!
    Anyway, 4, yes 4, months later!!!! He texted, then called me one night out of the blue. We got back together and had a lot of talking to do. I had really given up, but I will admit that throughout those 4 months, every once in a while I would just throw a text out just to wish him a happy birthday or ask how his daughters were. I really didn’t expect responses (only hoped for them) and sometimes I would get a one word answer back or nothing.
    I’m only telling you this because there is no real time frame for CF to come back. He may or he may not. At this point, beside your anger and feeling addicted, how do you feel about HIM? The man you were in love with. Do you think you’re still in love with him?

  131.  #131Radlove on May 21, 2012 at 4:36 pm


    126 – Thank you! Who is with you?

  132.  #132Radlove on May 21, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    Despite my jittery cold turkey withdrawal from ManCrack, I am choosing to be productive today. I have been procrastinating a huge house rearranging project to put three rooms back together that I rearranged to accommodate my Mom’s wheelchair when she was here.

    So I am making huge strides cleaning and putting furniture back in place. I am determined to have a core of organization when I start my job on Tuesday the 29th! I still need to do the living room, but I have it cleaned and cleared, ready to move furniture into.

    I did this huge project by baby steps, and that is what works for me. I do some, feel winded, and sit down to check the computer and watch a little TV.

    Next step is to start putting clutter away or get rid of it. But I finally got my bookshelves in place and ready to use! So I can actually put away my boxes of books.

    I got a free patio swing off craigslist yesterday, and I need to clean it and put it in place. But it is worth all the effort to have it, and I will really enjoy using it this summer!

  133.  #133Ella on May 21, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    Ok… it turns out he was angry… because I didn’t go over there last night… and he wanted to see me.

    And he REALLY, REALLY loves me and he NEEDS to see me.

    And he also let off some steam about ‘always having to contact me first’ and ‘But I don’t see why I should have to book you! Why should I have to book your time?’

    Me ‘It just feels really important to me to be booked in advance. I feel uncomfortable not having confirmed plans etc… ‘

    Het gets it I can tell…

    He was just feeling angry, annoyed and put out.

    And I think maybe he was missing me.

    He said was it all one sided and we spoke about that and I told him how much I love spending time with him and how it feels so good to be asked etc…

    So really just him feeling cross and missing me.


    I feel so relieved.

    I have hated this feeling of feeling so disconnected from him.

    I feel so pleased with how I handled the conversation.

    We are seeing each other tomorrow evening. He is picking me up.

    U know what I think it probably feels very frustrating to him, and he knows he can’t truly have me unless he were to marry me!

    But that is the truth.

    No man can make ligitimate claims on my time until he offers me a ring…

  134.  #134R.N.AmazingMe on May 21, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    @131 What do you mean who is with me RadLove? Just me myself and I and we are all so in love with eachother and life…YAy! Unless I misread haha

  135.  #135ReceivingGirl on May 21, 2012 at 4:52 pm

    Radlove it will feel so good to be organized when you go back to work. Good for you. I understand procrastinating.

  136.  #136Ella on May 21, 2012 at 4:52 pm

    Radlove re 132



  137.  #137Ella on May 21, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    I gotta go to bed.

    Night night Sirens.


  138.  #138ReceivingGirl on May 21, 2012 at 5:00 pm

    Awww, Mr. Observant said he is checking into my bee issue. He is taking care of me 🙂 I feel super important. I’ve never felt super important before. So, it does exist?!

  139.  #139Aurora Girl on May 21, 2012 at 5:43 pm

    “If he’s available, if he wants you, if he knows what “forever” means and wants that, too – then he IS heroic!”

    and then he says….”I don’t have all the answers but I want to do what it takes to make this work”….

    Then I find I have to travel back home after my weekend visit and I feel nauseated…..at having to leave…..after bonding even closer the leaving gets harder….and I use FMs to say that” I feel awful. I hate this….I hate the part where I have to leave….where you have to leave”……

    and I try to wrap my head around how hard it is and I say “this is hard….the closer we get the harder it is”…..

    and he panics and says “you want to end this?”

    and I say “please don’t put words in my mouth….I am just sharing how I feel”…..

    So he’s use to a woman giving him ultimatums and blaming and I’m not doing that….

    I’m using FMs

    and he gets defensive anyway (out of old habit? ) and doesn’t know what to do with them

    and I don’t want to take care of his feelings for him…I just keep feeling mine and being genuine……

    OH man was it hard today to do that. !!!!

    I drove the long drive home.
    He usually does the traveling. I do it once a month maybe.
    I feel tired.
    My tummy feels nervous.
    His texts say he is trying to find a clear mental place in it all. He wants to watch hockey tonight.
    He has not talked about calling…I don’t know if he will.
    I will not initiate.
    My guess is he will.

    I will just keep using FMs………I will try.
    This is hard.


  140.  #140Sweet Siren on May 21, 2012 at 5:43 pm

    I’m feeling awkward! So I haven’t seen Mr. Masculine in a while. We live in different cities, about 2 hours apart. I know, he’s just another cd & I really liked him. Well today I saw him holding hands with his ex wife! I work in a store & it was a situation most people with office jobs don’t deal with. I was doing random tasks & I walked around a corner quickly & saw a man & woman standing closely, holding hands. I almost bumped not them & quickly asked them how they were doing.

    Before I could get all the words out of my mouth 2 things happened. Mr. Masculine jumped away from M, his ex wife, like oh sh!t! I recognized who they were. He turned to the side, extremely shocked to see me. Maybe it wasn’t the right reaction, but after M his ex wife stared at me with a perplexed expression (she’s never met me but she could see I recognized her from pics & also because of the weird reaction from Mr. Masculine) and said they were doing ok, I moved away in the direction of the stockroom. I just didn’t want a weird situation at work. I felt awkward & unbalanced. He kept going almost like he wanted to see where I was going, but not necessarily to talk to me. I went in the stockroom & came out about 5 min later when they left. I’m glad I have CDs but this was my favorite cd. I know he knew I worked at that store, but he didnt know which location.

    I still feel awkward. As far as I’m concerned I don’t feel the need to call or text about the incident. I know he doesn’t owe me anything, including an explanation. I do believe everything happens for a reason & maybe that was the universe’s not so subtle reminder to cd. I don’t stalk him in anyway, yet all of this appeared right in front of me, literary while I was working. I wish him good thoughts if he is getting back with his ex wife, I just wish it didn’t unfold for me at work! I also feel curious to know if it felt as awkward for him as well?

    It’s funny when I was at lunch today I was reading the blog & someone wrote something about how men will move forward if they want to & not if they don’t. So true…

  141.  #141Starla on May 21, 2012 at 5:49 pm

    Girl, thank you for sharing your story with me! It feels good to hear from someone who’s been through it before. To answer your Q, yeah, I do still love him bigbigbigtime.

    I just typed a loooong post talking about how “but I know it was a bad relationship and I don’t want that, blah blah,” but I feel tired and angry at the thought of having to defend my being in love with someone, like it makes me a weaker siren. Sorry Daria, I got scared of your reaction. I feel proud and happy to have been/be in love! I feel like a real human.

  142.  #142Lizka on May 21, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    Hi sirens!

    I had a fun day with my girl friend. I’m so tired and I am going to bed already. Just wanted to pass by and say good night. xoxo

  143.  #143ReceivingGirl on May 21, 2012 at 6:10 pm

    (((Sweet Siren))) That must have been quite the shock. Especially, at work!

  144.  #144Starla on May 21, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    I am going to channel my inner Lizka and Brandylion and go for a run.

  145.  #145Sweet Siren on May 21, 2012 at 6:26 pm

    Thanks Receiving Girl! I feel better sharing this & strangely I feel energy freed up to focus more on men who are available for real relationships!

  146.  #146ReceivingGirl on May 21, 2012 at 6:38 pm

    Good for you, Sweet Siren! I know what you mean about men who are available for real relationships.

  147.  #147Sassy on May 21, 2012 at 6:38 pm

    Starla, you are very welcome. I had a feeling you still loved him.
    I just have one last thing to say about that-do not EVER apologize for your feelings!! They are yours, to have and to hold for as long as, well, for as long as you feel them!!!
    Jt and I still have an on/off, up/down, in/out crazy relationship.
    He’s toxic, I’m insecure and needy (which I readily admit to) and we are both terrified of rejection and abandonment.
    But we know who each of us are inside and I love him unconditionally. Will we ever be together and in for the long haul?? Who knows, I am taking my life one day at a time and choosing my happiness. That’s about me!

  148.  #148Starla on May 21, 2012 at 7:11 pm

    Yeah, I’m definitely not anywhere near over CF and totally rebounding with Alaska. I intend to put the brakes on that starting now. Sigh, I love my patterns and how they seem bigger than me, but they’re not, I’m just really afraid to be left all alone with my own feelings so I let the patterns carry me through life, and I’m so much emotionally wiser than that and actually have a choice. (((((((((patterns)))))))))))))

    i feel empowered telling myself i made a choice to find relief in my proven pattern, and now I can choose to scale it way back.


    and i’m also finding a lot more men attractive and interesting now in general, whew! I felt worried I never would… dun dun dun

  149.  #149Brandylion on May 21, 2012 at 7:26 pm

    FW, #48: I am.

    Does it need any adjective to be a powerful statement? 🙂

    I really liked what David wrote!

  150.  #150Radlove on May 21, 2012 at 7:34 pm


    126 – You said, ” Who is with me?!!! ”

    Who is with you?

  151.  #151Tiffany on May 21, 2012 at 7:43 pm

    Memulo – from the last thread – thank you!

    And Mel – I loved reading about your newfound “pattern” with A, of wanting to actually withdraw when he is “man-caving” it. I can totally see that both making sense and feeling good. Probably it makes him miss you, too! : )

    On the other hand, I have the single-person anxiety of “well, that’s all perfectly fine and good when you are IN the relationship. You already feel pretty solid with him. You don’t have an illusion that he’s actually ‘going somewhere’ so of course it doesn’t bother you when he’s getting into ‘loner’ mode.”

    Maybe that’s a little presumptuous of me. I do think it is GREAT and it IS a good pattern. But I think the reason that it is soooo much harder for us girls without the guy who is clearly “our guy” is that we just can’t be SURE what’s going on when he “withdraws.” We don’t know if he’s just being oblivious and doing his thing, or if he is actually pulling away and wanting to get way from us. And does it matter? Ha! Well, not really. But if we like him, then it matters – to us. Now I’m getting general.

    I feel like there must be some hormonal shift that goes on when you have a good man who is totally devoted to you and you KNOW that, and you’ve worked through all the tough spots where you have doubts and questions, and he answers them by letting you know, unequivocally, that he’s THERE and he’s not going anywhere. I think we just get so much oxytocin from something like that, that yeah, it makes us much more relaxed and unfazed by something as trivial as our man taking a little “man-cave” time. Does that make sense?

    What I’m saying is – I believe we are all capable of this. Just that, it is a lot harder when you are single than when you are paired up with a guy who really does “take care” of you, emotionally.

    And that’s what I want. I want a guy who can make sure that my little brain cells are flooded with a constant stream of oxytocin…I want a man who can match my anxiety and my concerns about relationship with an equally forceful amount of “I’m here.” And I want a man whose motives I never question, because I already know that he loves me…

    Just putting that out there for the Universe. Thank you, Universe! Thanks for already giving me what I want~! 🙂

  152.  #152Tiffany on May 21, 2012 at 7:57 pm

    hahaha. I’m laughing now. It just seems like a weird catch-22 for us:

    In order to be in a good place to be with a man, to allow him to be with us, and so that he’ll feel really GOOD around us, it’s best for us to be cool, flowy, non-anxious, resilient women.

    On the other hand, without our partner, we often feel tense, anxious, constricted, needy, controlling, scared – the exact OPPOSITE of all the things he’s looking for, and all the things we would NEED to be and do in order to make it work. This is our hormones working Against us – because the bonding and the oxytocin that we get from him actually creates a more relaxed feeling for us as women – the precise quality that he is looking for.

    Ironic, no????

    So basically, the only way around this has to be – you guessed it – take really good care of ourselves and make sure we have lots of non-man bonding (i.e. friend dates, community, etc.) We can do this to keep our vibe up, to keep us relaxed, help us “go with the flow” so that when he shows up, we are not Ms. Controlling Needy When-Are-You-Going-To-Call-Me girl. We have to get our oxytocin from somewhere else. So that when he shows up, he’s going to want to give us more! Yay!! : )

    p.s. I think a little “self-pleasuring” is okay, too ; )

  153.  #153luzydel on May 21, 2012 at 8:01 pm

    it is not just women choosing toxic men; Ive met plenty of men who enjoy drama, w;omen who cheat etc. It is people we are all toxic. I gave the nice guys a chance also and they end up being worst that the “bad” guys. Now I just want love; I wont get involve with a man, if there is not love…

  154.  #154Vi on May 21, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    “We see ourselves as objects, and so we seek out men who see us as objects.”

    It feels so right… nearly everything I’ve done feels like trying to carve something out of myself which I AM not… cutting off what did not look like perfect.. feeling sad..

    everything about me what can’t be described as “productive” “useful”, “goal-oriented” feels wrong to me… and I feel sad now…

    even when I write something on the blog I feel so many “should”s swarming and buzzing in my head – I should know English better, what I say should be smart, I should look intelligent, I should come here with the “results”.. I feel tired and I feel heavy weight on my shoulders and my forearms squeezing up against my body.. it feels superficial…

    this article feels so healing.. I am forgiving myself… ((((((((((((((((((((me)))))))))))))))))))

  155.  #155Radlove on May 21, 2012 at 9:05 pm


    It sounds like you are going thru some deep growth and self-realization. Yes, when I have been on the blog, I have little by little let down almost all walls, maybe too many! But the result is I grow and keep peeling off layers of pain.

    Rori has been in the painful places we have, and she really talks about where the rubber meets the road. She truly understands. I feel like I need to digest her words over and over, and they keep reaching a deeper and deeper level of emotional healing and self awareness.

    I want my emotions to be consistently content. And to communicate fluently from a strong center, with no yelling or swearing.

  156.  #156Starla on May 21, 2012 at 9:09 pm


  157.  #157Radlove on May 21, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    I feel so happy and proud of myself because of all the house work I got done today! Totally productive day! I think it is having the job that is giving me extra drive and energy! It feels good to have a direction and know that financial relief is on the way.

    My living room and bedroom are all neat and clean. I got some done in the dining room but I still have a lot more to do. And I got most of the dishes washed.

    Time to go to bed and cuddle with 7 little kittens and my puppies. I also have 4 cats, but they rarely sleep on the bed, probably because of the dogs.

  158.  #158Vi on May 21, 2012 at 10:43 pm



    Love to you beautiful sirens

  159.  #159sophie on May 22, 2012 at 12:14 am

    ((((Starla))) I’ve just seen the comments you’ve written to me and found them really comforting so thank you for those voids 🙂 I do believe i left a big void in his life when he left. (((((Daria))))) I have totally taken on board an attempt to turn my focus to myself and to the attention from other men which isn’;t something I’ve done before quite so soon – I feel very vulnerable when I’ve come out of a relationship like I have to draw myself back in and reorientate before I can give of myself again and…..I don’t trust myself to attract men who will be kind to me and when I’m feeling vulnerable and needy it is safer to keep myself a bit protected from men – it is for all these reasons perhaps that I found it difficult to understand how others can rebound so quickly – buuuutttttt there is great value for me in what you say about not having to ‘honour’ him and I have been chatting all over the place to men on POF and it has helped me to reclaim my feeling of being a single woman a lot more quickly than I would have in the past and has probably given me a way to keep the focus away from him 🙂 I fly to a Greek island to day for a bit of Siren time near the sea 🙂 I would LOVE a rebound opportunity 🙂

  160.  #160sophie on May 22, 2012 at 12:27 am

    (((((Starla))))) I think you’re doing amazingly well with CF – its super sireny the way that you have leaned back and tried to put all the focus on yourself – what i see in some of your comments is the way i feel myself in as much as the feelings are such a yo yo and i just want a long consistent feeling of wellbeing and what i have is ….i feel ok, i feel angry….i feel obsessed….oh why oh why…..i love myself….i feel comforted….that felt goood….I feel neglected….i feel terrified….i feel empowered….i feel angry…i feel sorrow…and it never stops! for now. i also find it difficult to be with my feelings because i feel sick and anxious and then get obsessive in my head – i am getting sooooo much better at being with my feelings though – this morning I woke up and didn’t feel so bad…i feel so happy that i totally haven’t abandoned me and that used to be one of my first reactions but just like you Starla I have stayed right there with me when I needed me 🙂 love me 🙂

  161.  #161Stacey on May 22, 2012 at 1:10 am

    Amazing stories! 2 years ago I finally broke free from an emotional abusive marriage. I was stuck in it for longer than I wanted because I had a disabled son. I married a bad boy, it was all about body, sex and just fun. I thought that is what love was… now I know being in my 40’s it was just infatuation and my biological clock ticking. I settled for what I though was good “stock” After the breakup, I found Rori’s program, I studied it, I practice it at work, at home, with my kids, driving down the freeway in rush hour traffic. I makes me feel alive and precious in a way. Over a year ago, I met a man on-line also going through divorce… my initial thought was that he was not the best looking man around, but what we shared over the course of that year was absolutely amazing! Of course, practicing with him as well, he treats me like a princess and our emotional and intimate connection rock! He is the most sexiest and adorable man ever! We live over an hour away from each other and only get to see each other every weekend, but with being a single mom, my weekdays are full of kids stuff anyway. Anyway, I am a true believer of “Not judging a book by it’s cover” If you want that feeling of deep intimacy, being taken care of like a princess and being appreciated when you return those gestures… give that nice guy a chance. After a year and a half, my heart still starts beating fast when we are about 5 minutes from seeing each other after a long week. This type of connection, I believe, is what we are all looking for. And I still do practice Rori’s techniques every day and I see the reaction it has on men, it’s hard but the results are amazing! You will truly get what your heart desires.

  162.  #162Stacey on May 22, 2012 at 1:30 am

    Just like to add one more thing… When I met this man, I asked him for a deal. We both go out and date, but if we decide he want to go further with another date, we tell each other and we will decide what to do from that point. We both went on dates through the course of that year, very well hand selected on-line first meets but no one came even close to what we shared… after a year, he actually decided that our distance was something he couldn’t handle, he finally said he loved me but he also decided it was time we broke off what we had because it was not fair to me and my kids and he was going to look to date someone closer… I was devastated, but he was not mine to keep, we were not exclusive (well, just in the bedroom). A couple days later, we thought of being FWB, just because we had been so open and such good friends that it might work. Then a few more days passed, I refreshed Rori’s program… what did I really want? Did I truly love this man? I even looked up true love on the net… I wrote him an email and said that I fell in love with him too and that I realized that my love for him was so real that I could not be FWB and I said my goodbye forever. The following weekend, I went out on another date, as I was heading home I looked at my phone, there was an email from him explaining that he may have made the biggest mistake of his life and said he didn’t want someone closer, he just wanted me and what we had and the distance scared him. He came over the next day, we cried and cried… we talked and cried some more… guess what? We are now officially boyfriend and girlfriend, we are both off dating sites, and are starting to mingle our families together to see what comes from it. It is really cool that we openly dated other people for over a year and are still together after all that.

  163.  #163boasgirl on May 22, 2012 at 2:57 am

    why is this so hard …

    yesterday i felt so good, and now i feel so bad –

    it’s hard to open up

    i feel really scared-

    i feel afraid to be rejected

    and i feel afraid to be craved

    i feel afraid to lose myself

  164.  #164Lizka on May 22, 2012 at 3:41 am

    Good morning sirens!!

  165.  #165Aurora Girl on May 22, 2012 at 4:00 am

    Good morning Lizka
    Good morning Sirens….

    My tummy feels a little bit in knots….little knots compared to yesterday.
    I shared some FMs with my sweety yesterday and I think he was overwhelmed by them….i think he was feeling stress from other things and didn’t know what to do with them.

    I had to leave and return to my home. So we are trying to sort it out. We texted back and forth yesterday. It was ok but didn’t solve anything yet.

    He is under stress because of a situation in his community that is affecting everyone (even us when we were there). And he is scared. I’m trying to be compassionate, yet true to my feelings too.

    Because my history is to stuff my feelings and let everyone else’s needs take front stage and i can’t do that anymore.

    So I have to let him manage his own and not make it my problem

    We didn’t chat on the phone. He was grumpy and tired. I was tired. He texted that if it was ok with me he needed to go to sleep. I agreed. It was hard, but I agreed. I was tired too.

    This can be hard….to break out of old patterns and try to find new experiences that are healthier.

    Sirens if you could send some good vibes (even in your heart and mind) I sure could use them.

    Sending myself good vibes too.

  166.  #166Daria on May 22, 2012 at 4:06 am

    Milwaukee feelin sad n miserable m loving

  167.  #167Daria on May 22, 2012 at 4:10 am


  168.  #168Francesca on May 22, 2012 at 4:11 am

    Morning, Sirens!

    (((Aurora Girl))), sending you a whole lot of good vibes this morning.

    Sometimes it’s good to take some time and just be.

  169.  #169Aurora Girl on May 22, 2012 at 4:18 am


    hope the boredom is short lived for you

  170.  #170Aurora Girl on May 22, 2012 at 4:19 am

    Good morning…..

    thank you……yes, just being and taking in the sun…the birds…..the morning…..it’s such a relief to know the universe is there to hold us up….


  171.  #171Francesca on May 22, 2012 at 4:31 am

    I can hear the birds, yes, but the sunshine is hidden by clouds.

    There’s a blue jay somewhere close because I can hear its weird, rusty clothesline song clearly.

    How can such a beautiful bird have such a strange song?

  172.  #172Daria on May 22, 2012 at 4:51 am

    Delayed. Pizza feels good

  173.  #173Daria on May 22, 2012 at 4:55 am

    Thanks Aurora girl. 🙂

  174.  #174Rebecca on May 22, 2012 at 5:27 am

    I had my date last night. Truthfully I was a bit bored, but the guy was really nice and really wanted to please me. Yet, I felt no spark, no connection. I found it all really hard work.

    Yet, I am glad I did it. I’m glad I did a positive thing for myself rather than a negative. I’m glad I stayed on the side of caution and stayed away from the toxic man in my life.

  175.  #175Silver Moonbeam on May 22, 2012 at 5:27 am

    Rori this article is absolutely BRILLIANT, much for me to mull over, I am going to read it again and again.

  176.  #176Silver Moonbeam on May 22, 2012 at 5:30 am

    Ditch the bad boys. Ditch the hard-to-get. Ditch the distant, the unavailable, the porn-addicted, the confused.

    Ditch any man who isn’t “into you” the way you want.

    Ditch your romantic fantasies and make up new ones.

    Ditch the fantasy of chemistry and learn to make your own!

    Big WOW from me……………

  177.  #177Daria on May 22, 2012 at 5:41 am

    Rebecca — what tools did u practice?

  178.  #178Femininewoman on May 22, 2012 at 5:42 am

    RadLove I like those feelings you expressed. I say immortalize them in the memory of your cells and draw upon them at low moments in your personal life.

  179.  #179Rebecca on May 22, 2012 at 5:51 am

    Hi Daria, I just practised being, leaning back and generally being open.

    This guy doesn’t say very much and I think that might be the problem. We are both very simillar – we both get directly to the point and don’t really do much small talk – no matter what I say to him it never leads anywhere – he just clams up. But he just seems very, very happy to be with me. But I want more… It’s hard to get much of a converstation out of him. He never asks me much about myself. I tend to find that with all men and I find it very, very annoying. Like ‘ask me something about ME already?!!!’

  180.  #180R.N.AmazingMe on May 22, 2012 at 5:58 am

    Oh RadLove I was just saying who is ready to take life by the balls and live the way we want freely and get what we deserve just by being amazing women!!!

  181.  #181ReceivingGirl on May 22, 2012 at 6:04 am

    (((Aurora Girl))))

    I’ve felt that way too. The men I usually date don’t ask me any questions about me. I just wanted to say, there are men out there who will ask about you. Find THAT man. It’s a totally different and refreshing feeling. 🙂

  182.  #182Rebecca on May 22, 2012 at 6:08 am

    Ooh, I feel triggered…
    I feel this a lot with men. I ‘worry’ that they find me ‘boring’. Ahhh, I’ve said it..
    Last night when I was out I was watching all these other couples and they seemed to be sharing stories, and laughing at each others anecdotes.

    With me men just seem to ‘switch’ off like I am the most boring-ist girl on the planet.

    When I am in a crowd I am fine, but when I am in a one to one I feel boring and plane, and my date generally always seems bored and distracted and I am left feeling rejected and worthless and not good enough…


  183.  #183R.N.AmazingMe on May 22, 2012 at 6:11 am

    50 shades of grey, amazung book a must read sirens!!

  184.  #184ReceivingGirl on May 22, 2012 at 6:13 am

    I was thinking about masculine/feminine energies last night and realized it’s so much easier to be in feminine energy when then man has masculine energy. I think that was my problem. Then men I dated were in feminine energy, which made me feel I had to row the boat if we were going to get anywhere. I couldn’t leave it up to them or we would be stuck in the middle of the ocean with no food.

    Being around a man who has total masculine energy, I don’t feel the need to row at all. I’m cool with just being a girl and letting him do things. I know he won’t let me starve! 🙂

    So, I don’t think it’s all the problem of the women having to be masculine with how the world has shifted. I think the men have gotten a little lazy along the way & us women will then step up & take charge, cause that’s what we do.

    I want to be the GIRL!! I want to feel taken care of. Now, I’ve had a little taste of it and I know what that feels like. I can see the difference. Something I never thought existed before, except in the movies.

  185.  #185Rebecca on May 22, 2012 at 6:13 am

    I guess I don’t ‘feel’ interesting or worthy enough of these men, and this is what I am projecting out there. If you ‘feel’ it then it must be your/my reality right?? There must be some truth in it..?! Until I ‘believe’ that I am worthy and interesting to these men, then I guess I won’t be.

    It’s like wanting someone to laugh at my jokes. I want them to ‘get’ me…

  186.  #186T-Girl on May 22, 2012 at 6:32 am

    RN Amazing Me, the girls at work are talking about that book alot! I have it downloaded but haven’t started reading it yet.

  187.  #187Jenny on May 22, 2012 at 6:43 am

    Feel a little confused, was readyng a newletter from
    Mimi Tanner:

    “Hey Beautiful,

    A woman and man date. She likes him, he
    likes her and he’s very enthusiastic. Things
    seem to be going well – very well.

    Then, for no explained or apparent reason, he
    stops being in touch completely.

    It’s especially frustrating if a woman has not
    noticed ANY sign that this was coming.

    What happens next is tremendously important.

    Here’s one reader’s story about a guy
    who dropped off the planet – and advice
    on how to handle this situation:


    I’ve read your emails about communicating with men
    with great interest as I’ve always been a talker.

    “I met this man through an introductions agency.
    I paid a small amount of money whereas he has paid
    a lot, because in this agency, men pay more than

    “He called me and we got on immediately – he didn’t
    look like I thought he would, but I got past that
    and think he’s wonderful.

    “We have had three wonderful dates, all in the space
    of 7 days – he called most days for three glorious

    “The third date was a little tense – his house –
    dinner, there was kissing and that’s all. He said
    that he wanted there to be date 4, date 10, date 20
    and date 40!!!!

    “He then went to Europe on business and had a couple
    of terrible work days. He phoned Saturday lunchtime
    and said he’s really sorry but he can’t see me
    after all the following week, and he would see me
    after I got back from skiing.

    “The last time we spoke was 3 weeks ago – he sent a
    lovely card and then nothing – no call – no
    communication. It’s now the night before I go
    skiing and I’ll be away for a week.

    “I’ve checked with the introductions agency without
    trying to appear needy, and they said that he’s given
    them great feedback – that he’s having a great time and
    that we got on really well.

    “I thought by stopping calling he was sending me a
    message. I was delighted and surprised by his card.
    I sent him a nice note saying ‘Dear ‘James’, Thank
    you for the lovely card; hope your week is better.
    — Lori.’ Then nothing – just nothing….

    “I know we only had a few dates, but the intensity
    he was giving off doesn’t stack up with the lack of
    contact now – or the fact that he sent a card.

    “I haven’t called and it’s killing me – got any
    good ideas….?”

    — Lori

    Hi, Lori, This is an interesting dilemma. I think
    you did the right thing by not acting overly eager.
    You did everything that shows him that you *are*
    interested without going too far.

    You thanked him for the card, which was a nice

    The most important thing here is not to behave like
    a doormat. He’s treating you in a way that he can’t
    expect any woman to accept.

    Yet some women, when treated this way, send out
    signals that this is NOT a dealbreaker!

    They get extra sympathetic and caring, in fact,
    when the guy should be on their list of men
    they dated in the PAST!

    He’s being non-responsive; you don’t know why. But
    his lack of response to you is a sign to move on.

    He seemed in all ways like a considerate man. But
    he stopped all contact with you – and a considerate
    man like this knows full well that he did.

    ALL men know what they’re doing when they stop
    contacting you. It’s very important not to let
    yourself rationalize this away… including when
    you hear from him later!

    Even if there were an emergency in his life, he
    still could have let you know, unless he himself
    is the one in the coma!

    Here’s the thing: men like this frequently DO

    So when that happens, first of all, do not be

    Next, instead of asking the obvious question
    (what happened to you?), try saying a matter-of-
    fact hello and then sit back and let HIM do
    all the explaining.

    If such a man does come back, his sudden disappearance
    has to be due to a one-time, genuine, unusual time in
    his life.

    He can only play this card ONE time – at most.

    He cannot “Rinse and Repeat” these actions with you.

    Truth be told, he allowed the wonderful romantic
    momentum to come to a halt. That was his choice.

    You would be wise not to allow him the chance
    to do this again – and not to accept any excuse
    for why it happened. I’ll explain why.

    You may have to say goodbye to what seemed so
    nice at first, but you’ll be doing a favor for
    the next woman down the line.

    You’ll be doing yourself a favor too, because
    a man who does this once, with your gracious
    permission, is highly likely to do this again.

    Then you won’t be feeling so warm and understanding
    at all!

    Don’t think of his disappearance as a one-time thing.
    Know that it’s only the FIRST in an endless series (if you
    put up with it).

    These men’s favorite travel destination is the
    Bermuda Triangle.

    When they find their way back, they want to
    find out if you value yourself or if you’re

    Sadly, men who evaporate like this don’t value
    themselves very much.

    But it is worth listening to their explanation
    when THEY volunteer it. (Please don’t hunt
    them down demanding an account of their

    If a man like this comes back, you can hear him
    out regarding his “reason.” Whatever he says,
    you can tell him you’ll think about it. The
    less emotion you show at this time, the better.

    Staying neutral outwardly preserves your
    friendship and gives you time to look at the
    big picture.

    Many women are reluctant to give a guy the “cold
    shoulder” when in fact, he deserves it. What’s
    more, the guy knows full well that he deserves
    it, and he expects to be treated in a manner
    appropriate to what he has done!!

    If you trot out the hot chocolate and cookies
    at a time like this, a man marvels at your
    capacity for masochism. And you thought you
    were being understanding and forgiving!

    In fact, your only hope of a future with a
    man who has done this IS to continue the
    distance he started, and allow him to do
    what he knows is the right thing – to “atone”
    for his “sin” against you!

    (He will feel better about himself and about
    you if he does so. That’s no assurance that
    it won’t happen again, but it’s a strong

    Do this without anger or tears. Simply tell
    him that you don’t date someone who just
    disappeared on you without a word.

    Let him fall all over himself with apologies.
    Men secretly love repenting at the feet of
    a goddess, and they are happiest with women
    who are in touch with their pedestal!

    As I’ve said before, men never forget the
    locker room they came from.

    Dropping off the planet just doesn’t happen
    when a guy is interested. It’s the biggest Red
    Flag that there is.

    One of two things is happening: he’s either already
    involved with someone else, or he’s at best very
    unsure of his feelings for you. However, you can’t
    wait around for the ebb and flow of his feelings
    toward you.

    Men who abruptly leave and later reappear are
    testing you. They’re not having a real relationship
    with you. They’re going by their whims.

    If that day’s whim includes some warm feelings
    about you – or, worse, they’re “lonely” and they
    want some “company,” it’s possible that you are
    the 3rd girl they called that day.

    That’s one reason that you shouldn’t drop
    everything and see a guy the same day he
    suddenly and finally calls you again.

    If he is not capable of being consistent, and
    changes drastically without warning or explanation –
    you deserve much better, and he needs to know that
    you KNOW you deserve better.

    It’s time for him to open up to you IF something
    in his life is causing him to be this way – so that
    you can decide what you want to do from here –
    with all of the facts in your hand.

    What next?

    First, don’t see him at all except as a friend.
    Make him work to get beyond friendship with you.

    If you’re play-acting here, and you really can’t
    wait for the romance to start again, he’ll see
    right through that. Get real with yourself
    about what his exit means, and take it seriously.

    Don’t go out of your way to make it easy for
    him to see you. If you’re free, fine. But don’t
    break any pre-arranged plans to suddenly see this
    man again the very first time he asks.

    The worst thing you could do here is to make it
    easy on him by being too accommodating. But at
    the same time, remain friendly and kind, and
    give him a chance to make amends – IF he contacts
    you with the desire to explain.

    Most important:

    If you begin seeing him again, don’t let him do the
    “whirlwind courtship” number on you again. Put your
    dates with him on a diet.

    It’s a time for Relationship Rations. Don’t see him
    every day. Two times a week would be fine until your
    trust is regained.

    It’s time for you to distract your mind from this
    one particular man. That’s very important when a
    man is driving you nuts on the inside.

    Get out and get busy. Be around people; work on
    something important that you’ve been putting off.
    Maximize your opportunities to have more men in
    your life.

    Hold your ground. Men still want to pursue a woman.
    And they still value most what they must work
    hardest to get.”

    I feel confused – it goes a little against what I belive in; well I agree of let him work for it – but not give a cold shoulder. I mean if you get angry at a dog who comes back, he will not come back again…I go with be warm but busy, he needs to work for me accepting more dates. Still being warm and soft, bust crystalclear that I only have times for men who treat me right.

    What does you ladies say

  188.  #188Lilibee on May 22, 2012 at 6:57 am


    Hi FW,

    With what we’ve been through, and to come back together in this way…I feel really amazed.

    I know ‘myself’ now how I can be happy on my own.
    Yeah, he could fall off the wagon and flirt with women behind my back.
    Yeah, he could cheat on me.
    Yeah, he could go get drunk with the boys all the time.
    I have this confidence now that I can have a wonderful life on my own and still be happy if things do go wrong, regardless of what he’s doing.

    I would still go through the emotions of course, but they wouldn’t overpower me and takeover for very long.

    I also saw that there are lots of available men out there who are learning and growing just as I am.

    I don’t feel taken for granted anymore.
    I can feel his vibe of happiness and peacefulness in my presence now.
    That makes me feel happy and peaceful.
    I feel him really ‘with’ me and devoted to our relationship.
    I don’t feel the urge to want to control him and spy on him.
    I accept that it is impossible to ever really have control anyway.
    He’ll do what he wants to with or without my permission.

    To me, it’s really all about trusting myself, being connected to my own feelings to guide me, and respecting him as a free human being.

    P.S. when I told him I wanted to stay home while he went to help his sister…he tried to get out of going to his sister’s to stay with me.

    It feels so good to have him want to be with me on his own free will without me having to control, manipulate, demand, ultimatums…It feels awesome and I enjoy it so much 🙂

  189.  #189Lilibee on May 22, 2012 at 7:02 am

    My comment #185 is awaiting moderation 🙁

    I think it’s because I changed my email address.

    It was answering FW’s question in post 122. I hope you don’t miss it FW.

  190.  #190Rebecca on May 22, 2012 at 7:11 am

    Jenny – that is brilliant – I have cut and paste it.

    I agree with your thoughts on the cold shoulder treatment.

    My main worry is he will always ‘see through’ me anyway. At least that is how I feel…

    I find it hard to hide my feelings for somebody even if he is treating me like a doormat.

    Affairs of the heart are impossible for me… Argh I’m feeling stressed today..

    I know I let my boundaries down, so I know it is my fault that I am now in this situation.

    I feel so angry with myself…

  191.  #191Rebecca on May 22, 2012 at 7:11 am

    Jenny – that is brilliant – I have cut and paste it.

    I agree with your thoughts on the cold shoulder treatment.

    My main worry is he will always ‘see through’ me anyway. At least that is how I feel…

    I find it hard to hide my feelings for somebody even if he is treating me like a doormat.

    Affairs of the heart are impossible for me… Argh I’m feeling stressed today..

    I know I let my boundaries down, so I know it is my fault that I am now in this situation.

    I feel so angry with myself…

  192.  #192Brandylion on May 22, 2012 at 7:20 am


    I don’t think Mimi’s advice sounds like giving a man who pulls a temporary disappearing act the cold shoulder. To me, cold shoulder means zero contact and feelings-stuffing. Mimi’s advice sounds to me exactly like Rori’s advice for all CDing (as I’ve understood it): remain soft and warm when he comes back, and keep yourself legitimately busy with your own life and plans so he has to work hard to get your time.

  193.  #193Femininewoman on May 22, 2012 at 7:29 am

    Lilibee I don’t see the response yet but see the comment as 185.

  194.  #194Jenny on May 22, 2012 at 7:37 am

    Ahh ok, just an slight error from my part, since english aint my mother langues.

    anyway, Roris way feel more warm. I got a little bit in my head – maybe I’m too warm when they come back? I let them come back..

    ..erhhh, way into my boy energy right now and analysing all…and missing CD J like hell today.

    Maybe focus on just missing, feeling sad and accept the feelings…

  195.  #195Femininewoman on May 22, 2012 at 7:38 am

    Rebecca use the David Wygant I am tool and tell yourself “I am a great conversationalist. I am the air men need to breathe. I am the flower they want to touch”. When you are out with them maybe you could talk about what is right in front of you. “This drink feels refreshing going down. I feel my like it is happily saying thank you”. Maybe even close your eyes while you swallow and say “aahh” then laugh at yourself and say “I feel silly but I enjoy doing that”. I love to do those kinds of things and maybe there is something similar you could find to do so it brings out your playful inner little girl. Maybe talk about the ambiance of the place, how relaxed you feel or how inviting the atmosphere feels.

    I believe guys are nervous on first dates it is not about you being boring. Look back at the place, how you felt sitting there with him, maybe how exhilirating or adventurous it feels to be meeting new people and connecting through the Internet. I would look over these kinds of things and do some scripting to prepare for the next time. Each time it will get easier.

  196.  #196Femininewoman on May 22, 2012 at 7:42 am

    Rebecca you want to be authentic so there is nothing for him to “see through” as you won’t be playing games. He will definitely see through games.

  197.  #197Jessie1000 on May 22, 2012 at 7:44 am

    Hi girly girls!
    Wow I did some dating this weekend.

    Went with a hair dresser who I met in a bakery. He asked me to a movie. I said no, I fall asleep. I said Surprise me (thats always the funnest).

    We smoked shisha! And had arabic coffee (great stuff). He was seperated…boo hoo. He told me not to go on pof anymore….lol. I told him thank u for a fun night. No more dates with that one….

    I went out with a cutie last night. He picked me up in his mercedes…lol. He was very classy and took me to Moxys. I dont drink.

    He told me he had been DRINKING ALL DAY! omg and he drove us to the restaurant. He drank 3 more moxy sized ceasars and i drove his car home cause he was Loaded. lol I loved driving the mercedes lol its so sexy. What a wierdo!

    NO more dates with him.

    Oh well. Lesson to self. Ask first if they are single.

    Never get in their car without a breathalyser.

    I dont feel as shy though! And its fun to see the city. And, guys like me (hows that for low self esteem!) A drunk and a married man liked me so I feel good.

  198.  #198Jessie1000 on May 22, 2012 at 8:03 am

    JENNY! Love it
    I feel confused to.

    I am the accomodater of all accomodaters.

    I like peace and quiet.

    I dont like to hurt any ones feelings.

    I try to be very gentle with people especially because you never know who is going through a hard time and hiding it.

    I feel upset if I dont accomodate. Sometimes I cant sleep if I hurt someones feelings.

    How do I get used to the anxiety that I arouse when I change my patterns?

    I will actually cry if I have to be tough with someone.

    My third husband, (OLD NEWS) who I love more than any other man on this earth, is being an idiot. I couldnt take it anymore and I had to stop answering his calls.

    Compared to the way my Beau treats me, now, OLD NEWS, is soooo boring. He calls to argue with me. He forgets how devastated I was when I moved to Ottawa and waited for him to come –like he promised–and he just disappeared.

    He didnt answer my calls.
    He dropped my kids.

    He hurt me so much.
    My friends saw him back in our home town and told me he was out partying and having fun.
    I dont know why I ever considered reconciling with him!!!
    ALmost 4 months later he called me crying and saying he was sorry. Saying he couldnt live without me. OMG!

    When I told him I was going out with my Beau, he told me why? I said because IM LONELY! He couldnt understand why after almost 1 year living alone, getting dumped and being by myself, I wanted to date!!!

    I AM THE UBER ACCOMODATER and it disgusts me
    Im not going to be disgusted with myself anymore.

    Im going to give the COLD SHOULDER FOR EVER to that boy.

    Thank you Jenny
    I feel uplifted by your comment and everyone elses….you sirens help me so much more than you know!!!
    Thank you Daria I liked that thing about staying home and obsessing….did it/ate it/ bought the tshirt.

    NO MORE!

    Men who are nice to kids hook me.
    My Beau has never met my kids. (Like only super briefly)
    I will keep all men like that –away from my hooks
    THey are not going to hook me no more….lol

  199.  #199Femininewoman on May 22, 2012 at 8:09 am

    Jenny I like the advice. It include some lessons I am learning. Recognize my goddess self and expect men to worship at her pedestal. Cdate to keep a busy happy life and not be ready to drop my life at a man’s whim. I am the one with the power and don’t make it too easy on him. He will be happy if he works to win me.

  200.  #200Starla on May 22, 2012 at 8:46 am

    Jenny that article was just what I needed to read today. Thank you:)

  201.  #201Starla on May 22, 2012 at 8:54 am

    Sophie, you’re doing great!

  202.  #202Mel on May 22, 2012 at 9:02 am


    I enjoyed reading your response. So many things to ponder, isn’t there? It’s a wonder women and men EVER get together!

    I think, for me, the key to feeling okay in the “distant” times comes down to three things:

    1. As in the article, being with a good man makes all the difference. I wasn’t interested in him at first…um… like at all…. 😉 But I gave him a chance, and I’m glad that I did.

    2. FMs… Even though we are exclusive, there are still yucky moments when I feel confused or unsure when presented with a man-cavey episode. But the difference now is that I speak up when I’m feeling that way.

    …I know you’ve been busy, and I don’t want to feel all demanding and high-maintenance, but I can feel this distance between us, and that doesn’t feel good. I feel confused by it actually, and sometimes that makes me feel a bit shut-down and wilted and I don’t want to feel that way with you…

    He will usually open up in those moments and share something that’s been stressing him and help me to know that it’s not at all about me… But I had to be brave FIRST and be vulnerable, and open up.

    3. When all else fails, don’t believe the NVs, CHOOSE to create a positive story, and go and do something nice for yourself.

    There were plenty of times when we were first dating where I wouldn’t hear from him, or communication was sparse, or I wasn’t feeling sure… So I kept a few CDs around, male friends I could go out with at the last minute, activities to occupy me… and when I saw that he consistently returned… it just became easier and easier to BELIEVE the good stories.

    He’s busy. He’s delayed at work. He’s out with the kids. He’s sitting on his couch, thinking about me, wanting desperately to call, but he’s trying soooo hard not to screw up, or make me feel smothered, that he’s restraining himself…. All of these stories felt so much better than worrying about something that I couldn’t control anyway.


  203.  #203Rebecca on May 22, 2012 at 9:08 am

    Femininewoman – the problem is my authentic self may lead to me getting hurt. The guy that I like told me I was a one night stand! Yet, now the bond I feel is so strong. I am finding it hard to keep away from him because he wants a FWB situation and I am finding him hard to resist even though I know I should. I feel he is constantly testing me and I don’t know what to say to him. Also, if I am authentic I am quite prone to fly off the handle at him and get really angry and I know that will only push him further away. I’m not sure if that makes sense…

  204.  #204Femininewoman on May 22, 2012 at 9:13 am

    It makes a lot of sense Rebecca. I am hearing that your have been stuffing down your anger and seem to be hiring men to beat up on you. It also seems like you need to realize that you are a valuable person and raise your level of difficulty. Any man would be happy to have you.

  205.  #205Lilibee on May 22, 2012 at 9:26 am


    Hi FW,

    Oops, my comment in moderation was #184 not #185.
    It will surely throw the numbers out of wack when it pops up.

  206.  #206Rebecca on May 22, 2012 at 9:50 am

    Haha I think I am going to right that down and pin it to the fridge

    I must increase my level of difficulty…

    (god, please give me strength to do that, and don’t make me smile when I want to cry)

    Thank you Femininewoman, your advice feels very powerful and I hope to heal from it. I really hope so. And I feel guilty for sounding like ‘poor me’ when I know there are so many people with ‘real’ problems in this world. I feel like I am being vain, and spoilt and like a princess…

  207.  #207Femininewoman on May 22, 2012 at 10:35 am

    Some reminders:-

    1. The most important thing to blossom a relationship into real, deep intimacy, is to be able to speak about your feelings to a man.
    The honesty and openness and terrifying baring of your feelings – even your soul sometimes – is a great act of trust.
    Trust of yourself – and trust of him, too. Trust of the “law” of how things are – that speaking the truth is the great healer.
    Love Rori

    1. You CANNOT help a relationship recover by being sad and miserable.
    You can only help a relationship recover by recovering your own high spirits and sense of fun, your own devotion to YOU and to having a good life, good times, and good feelings.
    This is not only the BEST way to attract a terrific man who can make you happy, it’s the best way to heal everyone and everything around you.
    You feel good about YOU, you share that fun and good feeling with everyone just because it radiates out of you, and everyone feels better and feels COMPELLED to be around you.
    Love, Rori

  208.  #208Sassy on May 22, 2012 at 10:38 am

    I just started the final book in the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy.
    I love the story, mainly because they keep talking about the female being a siren and a goddess! I really get a kick out of her subconscious voice. It cracks me up!

  209.  #209Starla on May 22, 2012 at 10:46 am

    I really, really, really love me 🙂

  210.  #210Jilly on May 22, 2012 at 10:47 am

    Jenny..thank you for posting that! 🙂 I really enjoyed it

  211.  #211ReceivingGirl on May 22, 2012 at 10:48 am

    @184 Jenny

    The part that confuses me is he told her he wouldn’t be able to see her until after she got back from her ski trip, so he didn’t disappear without notice.

    I also agree with friendly, but distant.

  212.  #212Jilly on May 22, 2012 at 10:48 am

    Mel..that felt beautiful to read… 🙂

  213.  #213Jilly on May 22, 2012 at 10:50 am

    grrrr…I’m feeling really really hormonal…and that means my NV’s are driving me crazy… 🙁

  214.  #214Jessie1000 on May 22, 2012 at 10:50 am

    OMG that is so right!
    Being miserable over OLD NEWS for almost a year made everyone unhappy…

    My kids said that I was sad.
    My friends stayed for tea but not supper.

    I missed out on everything around me in my new town cause I didnt want to go out with a new person cause I thought I was showing loyalty to a man who dumped me ????

    OMG! Being in the cd market again is really fun and I think I like the getting dressed up and taken out way more than the boys…lol and my son thinks its funny cause Im usually a jogging pants and pony tail kind of girl.

  215.  #215ReceivingGirl on May 22, 2012 at 10:54 am

    @193 Jessie

    Your’ “NO more dates with him.” made me laugh. Good for you girl to set your boundaries. I feel happy you went on some dates this weekend even if they weren’t the best guys. It sounds like you enjoyed them some.

  216.  #216Starla on May 22, 2012 at 10:55 am


  217.  #217Jilly on May 22, 2012 at 10:57 am

    Rugby Man and I had a great weekend…for the most part…things are starting to feel REAL…woah…

    I caught myself going in downward spiral on Sunday…

    I think it’s because I felt a little disappointed in how things played out Friday night and INSTEAD of feeling mad about the situation (we went drinking and I didn’t want to stay out all night but we didn’t talk about before hand)…I turned it to him…then I felt scared…like “oh my MR PERFECT isn’t so perfect” then I turned that anger towards myself because that seems easier??? (I am the one in charge taking care of my needs and I wanted him to do that but if he doesn’t know how I feel then how can he do that?) and I felt my self-esteem drop lower and lower…this felt so interesting to actually notice while it was happening.

    Now I feel anxiety about my level of difficulty…

    I am feeling disconnected…

    I feel icky


  218.  #218Jilly on May 22, 2012 at 11:02 am

    thanks Starla

    when I’m hormonal I feel unsure what’s real. Things that bother me at this time don’t usually bother me…I feel super irritated this time, about things I normally don’t think twice about…I’m just a girrrrrrllllllllll 🙂

  219.  #219Jessie1000 on May 22, 2012 at 11:08 am

    Receiving Girl
    The funny thing is that I was so absolutley sure that I wont be attracted to anyone.

    And when they both came all smelling nice and dressed up and nervous.

    And touched my back and said my legs were sexy because I put this stupid picture up and its really a nice one of me..I had to look like my pic.

    WOW, I would have slept with both of them. For sure.

    If they weren’t total idiots!

    So it was nice to feel attracted to someone other than my past boys.

    Why do I always think it will be a waste of time and I can only love 1 or 2 or 3? boys lol

    It seems like I have discovered how much I like men! And I was crazy when I was sitting with them….I was picturing sitting on their laps…lol

    And I was picturing the drunk one totally taking off my panties.
    I am a sexless bad girl! Hence my reason not to hook up with anyone lol

    I hardly listened to anything the boys said and told them crazy random things like stupid stuff cause i knew that I wouldnt see them again.

    I told drunk boy that when I was young I used to run away from home to go fishing with my little sister and we would go up these waterfalls by my house where we werent allowed, climb this cliff and fish in this beautiful pool that had landlocked trout (he was a stupid city boy too I doubt he ever fished except on pof) and everything I said made him more into me.

    According to drunk boy, Im coming to meet his mother for a bbq next sunday lol and hes going to have sex with me on our next date which is tomorrow when he gets off work….lol
    Not going to happen….lol

    Kisses RR! How was ur weekend?

  220.  #220ReceivingGirl on May 22, 2012 at 11:16 am


    Haha, I love your sense of humor. Your posts always make me smile! Maybe what you think is stupid information about yourself, they actually like to hear?

    I’ve thought those same thoughts at times too. In fact, just this weekend, I was picturing myself sitting on Mr. Observant’s lap. Too funny!

    Weekend was awesome. My party was awesome. Mr. Observant was awesome. He kissed me and we talked a bunch and we seemed to mesh & feel comfortable with each other. I feel so happy, but still cautious cause of his situation. He wants to see me again, so we’ll see what happens. 🙂

  221.  #221Jilly on May 22, 2012 at 11:27 am

    i just read Rori’s newsletter for today…

    I feel relief..a huge weight has been lifted…

    I feel scared….that’s what I’m feeling…

    I think things are too good to be true with Rugby Man and I feel f$#king scared…

    Like, when is it going to end??

    I feel sad to think this…I am crying now..but that feels good…letting it go…it’s ok jilly…you can cry…

    He texted “good morning baby” as usual…next time he contacts me …I want to have some FM’s ready to express that I feel happy with him and right now I’m feeling vulnerable and scared.

  222.  #222Harmony on May 22, 2012 at 11:33 am

    I’ve been meaning to ask this question for sometime. I got Rori’s book, and siren program, and have only practiced it off and on throughout the past year. I’m sometimes notice a difference. Maybe if I commited to the program more I’d see results.
    The thing though has to do with my child’s father. I love him, and don’t want to call him. When I don’t call, he never really calls. Sometimes I feel I should call to have him see his daughter. The thing though is that I’m the one majority of the time initiating, in the masculine, and when I step back into the feminine, nothing happens!!! We live a couple hours apart, but still I’d expect him to call…So I guess my question is what level of communication should I have with him, if I would like to have a relationship?

  223.  #223Mel on May 22, 2012 at 11:35 am

    I had a little male/female energy learning moment this weekend…

    I woke up feeling sick… YUCK! Mr A was all about helping me feel better: getting me meds; bringing me water; rubbing my back; letting me sleep; lovingly checking on me while I slept in my medicinal coma; making me food when I finally woke up; telling me to take it easy and relax (while he cleaned)…

    Before this treatment would have totally felt like a feminine role to me… motherly. But now I can totally see how it’s actually masculine “doing” energy. He wanted to care for his woman, make everything better. Solve the problem.

    And the funny thing is that he doesn’t want the same treatment. When he’s feeling sick, he just brushes it off… I’ll be okay… and does not want to be overly mothered. He wants to be strong for me. And I’ve learned not to DO anything unless he asks. And if he does, then I just smile and say “of course!” 😉 He doesn’t WANT another mother.

    I love seeing these principles in action…

  224.  #224Harmony on May 22, 2012 at 11:40 am

    More in response to my question above at 218: I want to ask him if he wants to come over this weekend and spend time with us, and he’ll probably say yes…but if I’m following rori’s principles, then I won’t call and ask him, and he’ll get upset a little, because he asked me if I would call him.

  225.  #225Femininewoman on May 22, 2012 at 11:50 am

    From Bob Grant

    Featured Topic: His Deepest Desire In A Woman

    Do you think you know what men crave more than anything else? If I ask most women this question, I’d likely get such responses as:

    Men want a woman who always agrees with him.

    Men crave a Sex Kitten – she always says yes to his request.

    All men want someone with the perfect body.

    Of course most men would like those things, but they wouldn’t do whatever it takes to get please a woman who meets those superficial requirements. No, the woman he’d do whatever it takes to make her happy possesses a special understanding about men.

    Men crave praise and admiration more than anything else.

    I can’t emphasis this enough. Men are powerless to resist the woman who truly and wholeheartedly shows her admiration for him and what he does.

    Now before I go further, let me tell you what this doesn’t mean. It isn’t as simple as just saying nice things to him. There is much more to it than that. Here are 3 key ingredients for making him powerless to resist you.

    1) You must be a woman worthy of his admiration. I’m not talking about being perfect, but you must demonstrate value. Does he feel lucky to have you in his life? Are you willing to disagree with him when he’s wrong and not back down? You are the one who determines your value, not him. If you’re not doing these things, then he won’t take your compliments very seriously. You need to be a woman he admires so that your praise means a great deal to him.

    2) You must understand what he likes about himself. Do you know how he sees himself?
    Does he think he’s a good athlete or a wonderful businessman? This is critical because these qualities mean a lot to him. Praising him for something he values makes him feel that you truly understand him. Praising him for things you like alone will have little impact.

    3) Don’t keep your thoughts to yourself. When you see him doing something you admire, speak up. You don’t have to pretend you admire something about him that you really don’t. Instead, don’t hold back when he does something impressive. Let him know how amazing he is!

    He may try and minimize your compliment and if he does I want you to do the same thing I do with a client when they try and deflect a compliment:

    I look them directly in the eyes and say, “I’m not asking you, I’m telling you. You can dismiss what I said all you want but I’m right about this. You really are _________________ (fill in blank with whatever you admire).”

    Here’s why it works. Deep down he’s hoping you really mean it. He’s just afraid to trust it. When you follow up with the statement I’ve suggested he won’t just hear it…he’ll feel it. At that moment you will stand out from every other woman he’s ever met because you’ve given him the type of praise he secretly craves.

  226.  #226Mel on May 22, 2012 at 11:52 am


    I think this is why we are so scared of good men… It feels so wonderful and then we feel afraid to lose all that… so we settle for less than men because then it doesn’t hurt so much if we do.


  227.  #227sensual on May 22, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    is “liking” someone’s cool photo on facebook or instagram too much leaning forward? I see other girls liking and making cool fun comments, yet I have been seeing this guy for a month. They are amazing photos though and things i’m really interested in! I’d love to write a fun comment and show some praise.

  228.  #228Radlove on May 22, 2012 at 12:15 pm


    177 – “Oh RadLove I was just saying who is ready to take life by the balls and live the way we want freely and get what we deserve just by being amazing women!!!”

    Oh, gotcha! Another case of the written word being confusing at times.

  229.  #229Radlove on May 22, 2012 at 12:22 pm


    175 – “I say immortalize them in the memory of your cells and draw upon them at low moments in your personal life.”

    thank you! I really like the way you worded this sentence!

  230.  #230Radlove on May 22, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    I’m experimenting with not asking questions with a CD I honestly don’t have ANY emotional investment in. He blew it with me about a month ago when he refused to meet in a public place and insisted on meeting at my house. So I said just forget it.

    He saw my new profile and started emailing me. He keeps asking me questions, and I keep delaying then giving him pretty bland answers.

    Then he asked, “When is the last time you had sex?”

    I said, “I feel uncomfortable with that. It’s personal.”

    I feel like I am killing the conversation with each exchange by not asking his questions back to him, such as what are you doing today?

    But it’s interesting, because I can see how the effect is upping my degree of difficulty. Hmmm.

  231.  #231Jilly on May 22, 2012 at 12:45 pm


    That feels good to read about him taking care of you…awww…Mel I love hearing your interactions with Mr. A and how you now respond to situations.

    and it’s true, it feels so much better to make up good feeling stories…

    this is not as easy when I’m in the soup, but I know this is my work

    I have a surgery coming up and Rugby Man said he is planning on being by my side to take care of me…I love that…then I think…will I feel so out of it and icky that I even want him there? jeez jilly lol

  232.  #232Jilly on May 22, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    Radlove…yay for upping our degree of difficulty!!! 🙂

  233.  #233Radlove on May 22, 2012 at 12:47 pm


    Thanks, it feels weird. I feel like I’m pushing him away. And even tho that is just fine with me in this case, it feels foreign. So that’s a good thing. Pushing out of my comfort zone.

  234.  #234Jilly on May 22, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    I have a question…

    ok so Rugby Man his quick to take my plate where ever we are; at his parents, at my parents and he washes off the dishes and everything…

    so…then automatically I think that he wants me to help out more, like offering to help in the kitchen at his families, and cleaning up…but this seems like over functioning to me…especially because we aren’t married…

    any thoughts?

    do I just stay leaned back about this and show appreciation? I’m feeling confused about this…

  235.  #235Brandylion on May 22, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    Time for my CD update!

    I had a walk-my-dogs-in-the-park date on Saturday with a nice man. We walked for a bit and then found a shady place to sit and talk. It felt…pleasant…to spend time with him, sitting outside. It didn’t feel bad, but I didn’t feel super-excited either. I haven’t thought of a name for him yet.

    Another guy whom we’ll call AkronCD contacted me a few weeks ago when I first put my profile back up, and the conversation just fizzled. He sent me a message out of the blue Friday asking if I still wanted to talk to him. He called immediately after I sent my number, but I was getting ready for bed since it was after 10 pm and didn’t answer, and then he called again Saturday morning while I was walking my dogs. I texted that I’d call him back later, but I ran out of time to do so. I called him back Sunday evening, and the conversation felt very off-putting. He has Asperger’s Syndrome, so social skills are not his strong suit. He was very negative, and did realize it; he said that some of the stuff he talked about he doesn’t usually bring up until the 3rd or 4th date (like having suffered from depression & attempted suicide, which lead to his diagnosis, and how he’s better now and usually just feels angry, especially because he’s in the military reserves but hasn’t been deployed). I just felt heavy and sad and tense and a little afraid talking to him–several of his pictures show him handling weaponry, and he has anger issues!–until we started talking about me.

    He called again last night, and the conversation felt better. He did say that he’s looking to change his daily routine, and maybe I can help with that. I felt ugh! and pressured! His vibe is definitely needy and clingy, like he wants me to be the brightest point in his unhappy life, and I TOTALLY get why men are turned off by that when we have that vibe! He’s 26 and moving out of his parents’ house for the first time this coming weekend, and he said in the first conversation that he thinks he’ll be able to change a lot inside once he’s out of what sounds like a volatile environment.

    A third guy contacted me at the end of last week and we left it at he’d make a plan to meet for this week; he sent a message last night saying he’d be in touch today to make that plan. I’d made it clear that Tuesday (today) was the only night I was sure I could have time, and that was by putting off dinner until after the game I have to sell tickets for. I have another game tomorrow, and I won’t know until later tonight if there is another playoff game on Thursday (if they win tonight, yes there is), but if there isn’t I’m going to the dance class I’ve missed for the last month! Friday through Sunday I’m out of town. I haven’t heard from him yet, so we shall not be meeting this week.

    So back to AkronCD: I feel uncertain if I should keep using this guy for practice, or just let him off gently. I feel so good right now and happy with myself, and it felt so yucky to be interacting with such a negative, insecure person. Do I owe it to my sireny self to surround myself only with positive things and people, or do I owe it to my sireny self to use this guy as practice expressing what I’m feeling, especially when it’s yucky?

  236.  #236Jilly on May 22, 2012 at 12:51 pm


    well it feels weird that the question is even being asked so I can see why you don’t care…

    I would feel uncomfortable answering it too

  237.  #237Francesca on May 22, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    Yes, Jilly, just lean back and let him wash the dishes.

    You don’t have to get up to help him at all.

    My man does the same thing, he washes the dishes as soon as we’re finished eating.

    Sometimes I wash it but most times, it’s him.

  238.  #238Francesca on May 22, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    And of course say a big thank you to him! 🙂

  239.  #239Jilly on May 22, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    Brandylion… yes you do owe it to yourself to surround yourself with yummy feel good beautiful things, people, experiences..etc. 🙂

  240.  #240Jilly on May 22, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    thanks Francesca 🙂

    I’m used to my dad I guess…him doing something and then feeling resentful if I didn’t read his mind (((((dad)))))

    So your husband washes the dishes without making you feel guilty?? great!!!

  241.  #241Femininewoman on May 22, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    Jilly if you feel guilty, would you be open to saying that to him in private and asking if he is okay with you helping out. I suspect he won’t want you to as this is about him taking care of his queen and teaching his family how he expects them to treat you. Also this might be your feelings teaching you that you might have issues with feeling worthy or nervous around the family? I would ask myself in those moments what am I really feeling to see if I could uncover something. Many times it is our reflexive go to, to avoid taking care of our own feelings.

  242.  #242Femininewoman on May 22, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    RadLove he knows you are uncomfortable with it and remember men will push our boundaries. This response will cause him to experience you as different. Remember also that men think differently than us so you might think it is pushing him away but he might experience it as a challenge that he must win.

  243.  #243Tiffany on May 22, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    Mel, I loved your post in 198 – that all sounds really good! 🙂

  244.  #244Femininewoman on May 22, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    “So you are asking, ‘Why can’t I control people with my niceness?’ I bet you know the answer to that question! Take a moment and turn it around. How do you feel when your mother tries to control you with her niceness?”

    “Oh, you know I hate it! Is that what I’m doing? No wonder my relationships are not working. I never realized that I’m doing to others what my mother does to me!”

    “Carlton, when you are with your mother, you feel pulled on by her to give her what she wants, and you either feel angry or you want to get away. This is what you are doing with others. Instead of taking loving care of yourself, you are abandoning yourself—just as your mother abandons herself—and making others responsible for you. Your niceness feels to others just like your mother’s pull feels to you. Others get ‘crazy’ when you do this, and the angrier they get, the nicer you get—to try to control them into being nice to you. But are you being loving to yourself when you do this?”

    “No, I wasn’t being loving to myself when I stayed on the phone for an hour and then felt exhausted.”

    There is a big difference between being nice and being loving!


  245.  #245Starla on May 22, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    alaska calls me ‘cutie’ and ‘hot stuff’ and ‘hottie’ and i think it sounds sooooooooo gay!!!!!!

  246.  #246Tiffany on May 22, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    Mmmm…I had SUCH a yummy sleep this morning…

    I was about to get myself out of bed and make myself get going at 6:30 in the morning. Normally, I am a morning person, and this would make sense. But I just felt sooooo drained after a very, very emotional weekend. And I literally didn’t have anything pressing to do this morning. I *made* myself stay in bed for an extra three hours. And I feel so happy I did!

    Fun fact: remember that guy, J, who always bugs me for sex, but then insists that I come to his house to get it? (as if I wanted it that bad..) And also, that on multiple occasions, including the first time I saw him, I’ve experienced my left eye puffing up during or after a conversation with him?

    Well, get this – this time, my left eye got a painful bump fully TWO DAYS before he contacted me. At first, I thought it was because of the stress from the weekend, or tiredness or whatever. I just noticed my eye hurt, and then saw that it was a full-out tiny little sty (stye? sp). It’s not all that bad. But I did check my email and – voila! A message from J! lol. He wants to hook up, of course…

    This time, he is actually talking about coming to me. But still…I don’t know if I really want to get into it. I am not sure that I WANT him to come to me. Even if he did, he’s not offering what I want (He might think he is – i.e. his “golden” penis), but that’s not really what I want. I want the whole package – devotion, love and all of that.

    I haven’t responded to him yet. I’m not sure that I will. Responding means that I am engaging him in conversation, and it will be an opportunity for him to try and engage me in changing my mind. I’m just not sure I want to get into it. I’d rather focus my attention on more productive behaviors….lol

  247.  #247Tiffany on May 22, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    @Starla – Gay? How can that be gay? (Unless you are a guy ; )

    Enjoy it, woman! The man likes you!

  248.  #248Starla on May 22, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    I miss CF:(

  249.  #249Tiffany on May 22, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    Sooo…urg. I have been controlling myself and NOT writing to Vman (that’s his new name. It was OM. Then VM. He is now Vman.)

    I still feel like I have something burning that I really want to say to him. But I don’t know if I can if the message is not clear. That is, if the message isn’t clear *with me.*

    Do I still like him? Do I not like him? Do I still want him? Do I not want him?

    At the moment, I’ve decided that the best course of action is to DO NOTHING. (I’m sure we can all agree to that.) I don’t honestly know what kind of good any email to him would bring about. He has made absolutely NO gestures in my direction at all since the last time we spoke.

    Of course I want him to “know” something about me. I want him to see how brilliant and gorgeous I am (as a person, that is). How amazing and awesome and wonderful – whether he decides to be with me or not. Heck, he’s already decided not to be. It doesn’t really matter. I can accept that. But I can’t really accept it if it is a FALSE me that he is rejecting. If he hasn’t seen how brilliant I am, how can even know what it is he has made his mind up about?

    Now, mind you, in no way would I ever even consider CHANGING his mind. That would be something he would have to do on his own. And I’m not even sure that I want him to do that.

    As we’ve established, his friends already think that he’s pretty bad at relationships, and unable to connect with women emotionally, and that is the EXACT problem that I had with him.

    It was the time that he rejected me – me not at my full self. And the way that he rejected me – out of hand. Both of these things feel incomplete. I do not feel “complete” about the situation, and it keeps bugging me. I want to express something. I want to express something that’s true about ME.

    I know that we are not supposed to go after “closure.” That’s why, right now, I am just sitting with my feelings, and doing my best to see and accept “What is.”

    I did write a letter to him, which I am very glad that I did not send.

    But on the other hand, maybe there is something true about me that I DO need to say. I always feel better after expressing my truth. And knowing that the outcome is what it is, and not trying to control it.

    Heck, if he’s not my man, my Batman, my whatever, then someone else is. And if he’s going to choose that, fine. I still think he’s an Idiot. But whatever. I know I am the kind of woman who is going to have an awesome – AWESOME – devoted husband. And I am going to be sooooo happy with my partner.

    I can feel it already, and it feels soo good. I love feeling connected to my man, and knowing that he’s always there, even when I can’t see him. It’s like he’s in the next room. I can always feel him; feel his energy. I like it.

    It’s like warm strawberries that you pick right off the plant in the summer sun. It is like a soft pat on the back. It is like a hug from someone familiar. It is like looking in the mirror, but better. It is like sweet, crispy, salty, juicy, all at the same time. It is the perfect word you need to hear at the exact perfect moment. And it’s like a really comfortable shoe, or pair of pants that feel great on your skin, you just don’t want to take them off.

    I can’t wait to meet him or know who he is! : )

  250.  #250Radlove on May 22, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    This dude is like “ask me anything!” twice now. I feel so uninterested I don’t even have any curiosity. Does that mean it’s time to end it?

  251.  #251Radlove on May 22, 2012 at 2:18 pm


    239 – LOL, it’s the “ewww” factor that Christian Carter talks about. When someone you are into, like say CF called you cutie and hottie, you would probably feel receptive, huh? 🙂 But if someone who doesn’t thrill you calls you that it feels yucky.

    That’s how I’m feeling right now about Dude. He’s just boring. Ok, let me put that in a FM…i feel bored.

    To kill the contact again or not to kill it?

  252.  #252Radlove on May 22, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    LOL, if I had had and kept that attitude with R, he’d probably be drooling over me by now! Aaahhhh! The tangled webs we weave!

  253.  #253Francesca on May 22, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    Jilly @234

    “So your husband washes the dishes without making you feel guilty?? great!!!”

    Nope, never.

    He likes cleaning up; who am I to deny him this pleasure? 😉

  254.  #254Femininewoman on May 22, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    Starla I wonder if his energy is feminine why you experience his words as “gay”? I wonder if you tell him this and tell him that you prefer to be the girl in a relationship and that you feel really turned on by a masculine man how it would affect it and I wonder how he would respond?

  255.  #255Femininewoman on May 22, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    We are all learning RadLove. It is our call to curiosity and awareness.

  256.  #256Femininewoman on May 22, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    RadLove how about “as soon as I feel inspired to do so, I will”. He must really be finding you mysterious right now as you are not baring your soul and vomiting up all the details about your life.

  257.  #257Starla on May 22, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    FW, he actually is mostly a masculine man. and the more receptive i am to the compliments and gestures he gives, the more he lays it on.

    i dunno, i always think my CDs and BFs are too “gay” for me. Except CF. I never got the gay twinge from him.


    I have a book coming in the mail about getting over a break up, and I can’t wait to move the eff on. I hope the book helps, cuz I either need to move on or try calling CF again. But I can’t just be in limbo foreverrrrr. I love myself too much for that.

  258.  #258Radlove on May 22, 2012 at 2:44 pm


    LOL on 250! I hear you…and I can tell you know me!!! LOL! Perhaps too well! Belly laughing here! 😆

  259.  #259Radlove on May 22, 2012 at 2:56 pm


    Moonbeam posted this on Siren Island on FB, and I thot of you…it is by Byron Katie:

    To believe the story that someone has left you is to leave yourself. That’s how you divorce yourself. Every time you’re in your partner’s business, dictating whom he should be with, whom he should or shouldn’t leave, you have left yourself, and the effect of that is loneliness and terror. Until you question what you believe, you remain the innocent cause of your own suffering.

  260.  #260Starla on May 22, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    radlove, 253, i like this so much. i am getting there. i love me and i love my little ‘setbacks,’ although i hate calling them setbacks. they just ‘are.’

  261.  #261Femininewoman on May 22, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    So Starla “gay” might be one of your “excuses” to keep him at bay or maybe one of your internal blocks?

  262.  #262Goodheart on May 22, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    My bf washes the dishes a lot. Sometimes I will do them & then he’ll dry or the other way around, but mostly he does them, especially if I cook (though he cooks a lot). On Easter we had dinner at my mom’s house & 2 of my brothers were there. After dinner, my bf started washing all the dishes. I just went over, kissed him on the cheek & said a sincere thank you & I know he saw the appreciation in my eyes.

    With my mom being sick, he has tried to do as much at her house as he can. He is always looking to make things easier, not just for me, but for my mom & it touches me so deeply.

    I have such a good man & I’m so grateful. And he knows how much I appreciate him. I make sure of that & that seems to be what he wants the most – to be appreciated.

  263.  #263Rori Raye on May 22, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    Harmony – FORGET about having a relationship with this man!!! Instead – do what needs doing for your child! Call him if that’s what it takes to get him over there to be with her! Do NOT play games – your daughter is the important person here – and there is NOTHING going on romantically with you and him. Please rethink your perception of this. Love, Rori

  264.  #264Rori Raye on May 22, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    boasgirl – when we’re unraveling our defense and habit systems, and trying things differently – both seeing them differently and doing and thinking differently – it’s ALWAYS going to be scary! That’s how you KNOW you’re on the right track! Just keep going, get used to the “icky” stuff – explore it…channel out of it….just DO and USE the Tools, and use everyone you meet in the course of a day to practice with. Love, Rori

  265.  #265Starla on May 22, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    or maybe i think it’s freaking weird that he casually mentions things about showering with his cat because she likes to be in there with him.

    “sorry i missed your text, Hallie and I were showering”


  266.  #266Rori Raye on May 22, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    Stacey – YAYYYY for YOU!! BRAVA!!! (…and I deleted your last name for your privacy…) Love, Rori

  267.  #267Radlove on May 22, 2012 at 3:18 pm


    265 – LOL! That does feel a little weird! I never heard of a man showering with his cat! At least you know he likes pussies. 😆 sorry, couldn’t resist.

  268.  #268lilybelly on May 22, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    Rori just put up a new post with a beautiful video…

  269.  #269Radlove on May 22, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    Rori, you are an excellent human being! I love you!

  270.  #270Francesca on May 22, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    LOL, Starla!

  271.  #271Femininewoman on May 22, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    LiliBee I enjoyed reading your comments. So inspiring, really.

  272.  #272Stephanie A on May 22, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    So profound! needed this…

  273.  #273Starla on May 22, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    Seriously, though, I haven’t seen CF in about 2 months, and we broke up 6 weeks ago, and it still feels like just yesterday. I’ve never experienced this before, and it makes me wonder if my gut is trying to tell me not to let go all the way. I’ve been through very similar rejections before, and it never felt like this to me. I just turned to someone/something else and away from them. But I can still feel CF in my house with me, in my bed… I don’t know what to do with these feelings.

    If it were any situation but a romantic one, I would follow my gut and try to ‘fix’ things.

    But what am I going to do? Try everything I can to get him to talk to me and want me again, so I can finally tell him what an immature joke he is for refusing to speak to me without explanation? For dumping me in an email with the lame excuse that spoken words wouldn’t come out right that night, when he could have waited till another day when he could speak like a grown man?


  274.  #274ReceivingGirl on May 22, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    @257 Starla

    I used to say that same thing, “I don’t want to be in limbo” when I was dating BoatGuy. In fact, I was putting myself in limbo, but at the time, I didn’t see it that way. I felt like he was keeping me in limbo.

    It took Mr. Observant’s comment to me (which he said 3 times that night), “So, you’re hinging everything on him. What do YOU want?” It made me realize, I was choosing to be in limbo and allowing him to control me when he wasn’t even there. It was my choice and I decided to choose to get out of limbo and move on.

    If you truly want to move on, then choose to do so. You don’t need to call and talk to CF to do that. You don’t need his permission. It is your own choice…decide…and do it!

    Hugs to you!!

  275.  #275Radlove on May 22, 2012 at 3:55 pm


    273 – I know the pain…

    It probably borders on the stuff Rori says is not real but the line from “Anna and the King” (I think) often comes to mind for me in relation to R:

    “If love were a choice, then who would choose such an exquisite pain?”

    It feels unbearable at times. And it feels like a Catch-22 to solve it and find relief. Just know you are taking the higher road, and I hope and pray that Rori’s tools result in him returning to you….if it’s meant to be.

  276.  #276Starla on May 22, 2012 at 3:58 pm

    Receiving girl, I mean I either need to move on (without talking to him) or try to have a relationship with him (by calling him).

    I won’t call HIM to move on. I decide for myself:)

  277.  #277Starla on May 22, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    Thank you, Radlove… that feels so sweet to read.

    I feel grateful to myself that I learned how to handle these things with grace and authenticity. No begging, no tears, none of that. You should have seen how I USED to handle these things!! Yikes!

  278.  #278ReceivingGirl on May 22, 2012 at 4:19 pm


    Ok, good! 🙂

  279.  #279Starla on May 22, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    Well, Alaska’s here to walk me to my train. L0rd help me and the mancrack problem I have. I just told him I feel guilty about all his attention and affections. Sigh.

  280.  #280Rose on May 22, 2012 at 6:09 pm


    As I was reading about the dishes, my first reaction was aww rugby man is so cute, making sure to take care of the dishes everywhere! 🙂

    Aw I am thinking about R, he always does my dishes, even when they are just mine from the week sitting in the sink lol He says he loves leaving me with clean dishes…I feel melty now just thinking about it..I really feel so appreciative of it and he feels like he is really helping me out (I hate doing dishes lol)

    I remember the first time ever I was invited for a family barbecue party, he got up and did the dishes ..I did feel like I should maybe offer to help out..I even asked him if I should help his mom wash, he said no of course not! lol and I heard him tell her and she said no! hehe

    I really think your Rugby man is once again showing up and taking care of his Siren Princess not letting her lift a finger 🙂

    Annndd I love how he wants to be right by your side during your surgery!!!

  281.  #281Sun Goddess on May 22, 2012 at 6:42 pm

    Well, I am going against the whole concept of CDing right now but it’s helping me be strong and let go of a relationship that has been holding me back. Music man asked for exclusivity and has continued to step up. I let go of LP and now he is promising me the world. I don’t believe he could provide anything he is promising so I’m going my own way with music man.

  282.  #282Femininewoman on May 22, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    Sun Goddess I feel happy to read your update. I actually believe LP could but would not encourage you to give in to him immediately. Or to musicman for that matter. What are the terms of the exclusivity that you asked for? And are you going in understanding that it is exclusivity that most times create problems?

  283.  #283Sun Goddess on May 22, 2012 at 6:51 pm


    LP could never put me ahead of his work. He will never stop flirting. It’s his nature. He’s not a bad person. He’s just not the best for me now.

    Music man asked for exclusivity, not me. He doesn’t want to lose me to someone else. You are probably right I should go back and discuss it further.

  284.  #284Sun Goddess on May 22, 2012 at 6:52 pm

    LP had over two years to have me but he didn’t….now I don’t want that with him.

  285.  #285Femininewoman on May 22, 2012 at 7:08 pm

    Sun Goddess knowing what we all know now about men, when LP got the exclusivity, he settled in, into a comfortable pattern and kept things that way well because he was comfortable. He did not have any reason to try harder or to win. Well because he had no reason to. Now he does. Men value us when they have to work to win us. Men do ask for exclusivity but don’t mistake that for commitment.

  286.  #286Sun Goddess on May 22, 2012 at 7:24 pm

    285, thanks for reminding me FW 🙂

  287.  #287LiliBee on May 22, 2012 at 7:33 pm


    Posted this on the new thread:

    Sun Goddess,

    WOW! What a fearless siren goddess you are!

    CD’ing sure did wonders for you. You’re looking very confident in your choice.
    What does that feel like?

    I agree with FW about exclusivity though.
    I would keep talking with LP, while further discussing exclusivity with Musicman.

    I am exclusive with D, but I am still talking with Wcd and paying attention to my feelings while I am.
    I still consider what it would be like to have a life with Wcd.
    D came at me really strong when I had plans for a vacation trip planned with a group of 9 in which there were 2 interesting single men.

    D is giving me the exact type of relationship I want right now.
    I am taking my time to enjoy the present moment.
    Allthough I am exclusive with him, I do not see any further than our trip in 2 weeks where we’ll be together 24/7.

    He’s contemplating plans for his retirement in 4 years, which includes selling his house.
    That’s 1 of the things he promised me to get me back.
    He would talk to the neighbourlady and sell his house to get away and start fresh.
    So far he’s talked to the nlady, but while he talks about selling his house, I don’t say anything.

    I don’t want to serve myself to him on a silver platter, I want him to step up and ask me if I want to live with him and then put up the ‘for sale’ sign.
    Until then, I’m not officially “off the market”.
    And he knows it, coz he constantly asks a bunch of questions about where I’m going, what I’ll be doing, with whom.
    I feel like a prize, it’s like he is staking out his territory.

    I’m just going the long way to say “Be the prize, take your time and let them work to claim you.”
    Ask Musicman all the questions, and tell him how you feel about exclusivity and what that looks like to you.
    Then say you need time to think about it.
    They do get all comfy when they have it too easy.

  288.  #288LiliBee on May 22, 2012 at 7:41 pm



    About the flirting:

    We went to a party 3 weeks ago where D would usually flirt.
    2 married women called him over and were being all flirty with him to get him to do some woodwork for their homes. (He’s got a really good reputation for his woodwork).

    He said “tell your husbands to call me” and walked away pulling me by the hand without even looking at them.

    He’s stepping up aaalll the way like he promised.

    LP may never change, but hear him out and tell him how you feel…while you are considering Musicman’s offer.

  289.  #289Daria on May 22, 2012 at 8:43 pm

    Cd left… I’m alone at hotel… Feelin warm tired jittery .

    Love me.

  290.  #290Emoticon on May 22, 2012 at 10:06 pm

    Don’t settle for a man’s outside when his insides aren’t loving you.

    Instead, settle into how you want to feel in an intimate way.

    I LOVE this sooooo much and just HAD to quote Rori on my FB page, just to remind myself……

    Because based on this, and this ALONE…… my mancrack who’s last name is Mann incidentally so i call him my Manncrack….. has not earned a place in my life. And over a hear ago, when I told him I was not happy in our “relationship” he begged me to tell him what to do to make me happy….. A year later, I am still having to state that I need more affection in ym life that what I get when im with him. I just can’t make this man give me the intimacy I need, no matter how many times he begs for a second chance. I am getting that kind of intimacy and spiritual connection with other guys, why not just quit trying with Mann-crack? Because it feels soooo HARD,because our sex is so awesome. Well I can’t settle for his outsides, when his INSIDES…. well they MAY be loving me. I DONT KNOW

    I feel so conflicted because maybe he loves me, just not in the way that I need love. What am i to do? Hmmmm

  291.  #291Radlove on May 23, 2012 at 3:46 am


    289 – You mean left to get something or left left? What is causing you to feel scared and jittery?

  292.  #292Sun Goddess on May 23, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    Thanks LIlibee for your comments. LP is insisting he can be my everything. I’m so hurt by it all. Why couldn’t he do it before??

  293.  #293LiliBee on May 23, 2012 at 5:42 pm


    They only know what they got when they lose it for real.

  294.  #294luzydel on May 23, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    these past couple of days I was very busy working on a project. Made new friends in the process and the best is that I did not think about men or being single or nothing I had an amazing time! I feel so tired now, but wow i hsve realized how much I’ve been missing by waiting for prince charming…

  295.  #295Euterpe on May 23, 2012 at 6:54 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    I felt like I wanted to cry when I read this article. I felt hopeless. I felt so alone. After reading it through several times and reading the comments that were under the article I now feel connected. And I am so glad Rori posted this. It definitely was posted on my facebook. Rori, I appreciate the work that you do more and more everyday.

    I would like to say that I don’t think this is limited to just the very young.

    Here are some quotes I pulled from the comments that I thought were worth repeating here:

    – Feminist ideology that demands women to completely abandon their biology in favor of a more ‘trailblazing’ and ultimately more masculine gender role is a real problem.

    I’d sum up the problem this way: Progress is now defined as becoming Don Draper–whether you’re male or female.

    Early feminists believed in female economic empowerment and male sharing of housekeeping and childcare duties. Somewhere along the way, this got turned into “everything that is traditionally feminine is worthless and everything that is traditionally masculine is ideal.”

    So young women decided to morph into men: Marry the job and use people to climb the ladder. Measure success in terms of how much power you have, how much sex you have with multiple partners, and how large your bank account is. Nothing else really matters.

    Then wonder what that aching, raw feeling inside is. You know, the one that results from having no real human connection with anyone.

    Why all the submission? Are you all really that unaware of the popularity of dominatrixes among powerful men who have lost all site of their own humanity? Tired of having absolute control over other people, they find sexual gratification in being dominated and humiliated. So now women have caught up on that front as well. This is not progress.

    Perhaps someone should start a Slow Sex movement along the lines of the Slow Food movement to encourage sustainable, local, and caring relationships. Young people will never know the joys of a good meal if all they ever get is McDonald’s. How sad it would be if they don’t get to experience the real joy of sex instead of just the fast food equivalent.

  296.  #296Euterpe on May 23, 2012 at 7:47 pm

    I have some good news to report Sirens!!! It will inspire you!

    This is about two clients of mine. They were living together with no commitment for a future. He was “just taking it day by day”. He said, he wasn’t sure if she was the one. She started to feel how much she wanted children and she told him. He has two daughters with his ex-wife. He at some point decides to move out and move back home with his folks (he is 36). (She had been really, pressing him to commit.)

    They continue to see each other, but he’s pulling away in the relationship, they even went for one period when he didn’t call or contact her for over a month. She sent him a long email with all her thoughts etc. – nothing.

    Well, when he finally called, more than a month later and started seeing each other again, they just continued with all the bad habits as before. And he said he didn’t want anymore children. She really wasn’t happy”, but was trying not to rock the boat this time.

    I started discovering Rori and I told her about Rori’s programs. And she and I started studying the programs. She just got it! She got stronger and she knew she really wanted a child even if it wasn’t with him. She told him, you know I love you very much…. and I really want to have a child, even though I don’t want to lose you, if you really don’t want to have one, I have to go. He said, he definitely, did not!

    So they both told me they broke it off for good.
    It has been one month and 5 days with no contact between them and today, (this is the good news) she got a beautiful bouquet of flowers sent to her work with a card, name, I love you more than anything, having children is not a problem, I was just scared, I miss you and I love you so much. I want you if you will forgive me and have me back. Please forgive me for being so stupid….

    She was at work and was so taken by surprise she broke down crying right there.

    They are getting together tomorrow to discuss, so tonight guess what she is doing? She is preparing with the “love scripts” program I lent her since this has caught her so off guard she didn’t have this program yet.

    He walked away. He said a definite, NO. It had been one month and 5 days with no communication! And now, he is pleading with her to accept him back with her conditions! And he wants them too and he wants her!

    She stopped begging, convincing, trying to stay in touch. She let go of rocking the horse and she got up on her horse rode it and didn’t look back. Did she have some bad days? You bet she did. But she just stayed on her horse and trotted ahead and didn’t look back. And he has come after her!

    I feel so hopeful and I wanted to share it with all of you.

    I love the “Scripts” program. It ties it all together- I think it is the best one yet.


  297.  #297Euterpe on May 24, 2012 at 9:51 pm

    Izzy Says –

    This makes me inspired: “if I’m being a goddess warrior I just walk away and jump on my horse and ride off into the sunset and disappear into the graceful tropical palms.”

    Awww, thanks Izzy.

    I feel open……….I feel soft………..I feel like my horse has wings!

  298.  #298Mimi Shi on June 11, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    Wow, I have met so many interesting men online and had so many great experiences. You have to decide exactly what you are looking for in a man and stick to that plan, do not settle for the bad men as you say. With online dating you can find so many interesting men. I found my husband online and have many other friends that I met on line. Stand strong and find the man of your dreams, as it can be done.

  299.  #299Mel on July 2, 2012 at 5:45 am

    Hi there, just wanted some advice I’m in a 1 year relationship (living together) and seem to be having some problems. There are some insults that have been said – apparently as a
    Joke. I have told my boyfriend that these insults are not funny and hurtful to me and he apologizes and continues to do it. My self esteem is at an all time low and confidence is all but gone. Need some help or some tips on how to get that this behavior Is not acceptable to me.

  300.  #300Rori Raye on July 2, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    Mel – ooohh – this sounds like a man I was with for 7 years – I’m going to make a post out of this and my answer – look for it…Love, Rori

  301.  #301Mel on July 2, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    Hi rori I’m just having a look for your answer? Where should I look and what’s its called?

  302.  #302Annie on July 4, 2012 at 6:48 am

    Hi Mel, I feel in synch with you on this. I tolerated this off both my parents as a child and have tolerated it off my husband.
    Only recently after standing up for myself have my Mother and Husband starting saying sorry.
    What really makes me feel angry though is when they then say ” it was only a joke” or “you have no sense of humor” ” you are over sensitive.”
    I have been led to believe all my life that my feelings are wrong and not valid. It is only since doing Roris tools that I Know that is rubbish I my feelings belong to me and our very important and I care about them and will not dismiss them.
    After doing the tools in brought up past trauma that I had stuffed down for years. I am now doing my best to heal and transform.
    There was an article I read on gaslighting and emotional manipulation. And gosh I felt in agreement with it.
    Will find it out and post

  303.  #303Annie on July 4, 2012 at 7:14 am


    For me I now feel able to stand up for myself and speak my truth, after doing Royis tools and some inner Bonding Dr Margaret Paul. Instead of now believing that my feelings don’t matter or are wrong and that there is something wrong with me and excusing being treated in this way or telling them how sad it makes me feel, got me nowhere apart from the look of pleasure on their faces that I was upset.
    I felt really disturbed and unsettled from the look of pleasure on their faces.
    It is something that happens though in human nature school bully etc and sheep mentality others joining in.
    The only thing that worked for me was has been to say it feels really bad to be spoken to like that and I don’t want to be treated like that and walk away.
    That has been the only time I have ever then gotten a genuine apology without the explanation and seen remorse in their eyes. To me if they say sorry and then give a reason or explanation and I see no remorse I know no really change has occurred and I will get the same back from those people.
    And this I have only gotten from my Mother. She does now feel genuine remorse and says that it is a part of her Character she wishes to change.
    I have not had this from my Step Father or Husband and do not see remorse in their eyes. And I feel repelled in their presence I do not wish to spend any time with them. What do you think of the article?

  304.  #304Annie on July 4, 2012 at 7:15 am