Horrific Valentine’s Day – How to Talk About it With Him

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Valentine’s Day aftermath:

“Oh dear what an awful day I had in valentines day.

My man had not flowers for me. He said maybe he’d make cookies. He woke up angry with a book, sitting and reading in the chair. Waiting for me to make breakfast.

I did not paid attention. I went out to skiing then restaurant and dated myself, ate dinner. When I came back he was so angry – why I had eaten alone without caring about him sitting at home with no food? Then he made some cookies but just for himself. He did not say hello to my girlfriend when she came to me to visit me with flowers.

Here’s my answer:

Sometimes – things are about…things. About what happens, about logistics, about negotiating points.

And most of the time – it’s all about the patterns that happen when things get shoved “under the rug.”

In other words…with a toxic man like this one…sometimes you have to “Walk Away” (this is a Tool, actually, of mine in Toxic Men) – and ALWAYS – you have to verbally express what’s going on for you.

Then – and only then – can you actually experience what a man is made of.

if you express correctly what has happened for you and how you feel, and what you need, and how you reacted (“I felt so bad and angry that there was nothing for me for Valentine’s Day, and that breakfast and things for you were expected as usual, even though I really, really wanted something special and romantic for Valentine’s Day…I just pulled away. I ignored you, and went off because I needed to take care of myself – and I feel bad that I didn’t sit down and try to express all that to you before I went… would you like to talk now?) – that’s when change happens in a relationship.

That’s when intimacy starts to happen. That’s when you find out if there’s anything really there for a relationship, or if you just THOUGHT there was because of the chemistry, or his sense of personal power – or for some reason other than that you feel GOOD about YOURSELF when you’re with him.

Being with a man who’s moody and self-involved and can’t really see you or feel you…that’s an unhappy situation.

There’s only one way to find out if the man can step up – and that’s to require that he step up or lose you. Not by way of ultimatum, but by way of Feeling Message.

Go ahead and experiment. Speak the truth without anger or drama. Say what you felt and what you feel. Don’t blame him, don’t make him wrong, just say what happened, how you feel. Speak. Share. All you know is you.

Let him know you, too – and if he rises to the occasion and begins to feel safe enough to care – to actually DEMONSTRATE that he cares – then you’ve got something there.

And if he doesn’t – you’ll know you’ve done all you can do. And…what will happen is that you’ll lose interest in him.

When we keep things to ourselves, when we hide stuff from a man…we also build a horrifying sense of urgency inside ourselves.

We actually create a toxic bond to him that otherwise wouldn’t even exist.

Speaking the truth becomes harder and harder.

Unravel that by practicing Feeling Messages in low-risk situations, and let me know what happens.

Love, Rori

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91 Comments

  1.  #1Daria on February 18, 2010 at 4:46 pm

    Thanks Rori- wow this is deep . i like how you said sometimes we think something’s there because of his sense of personal power – this may be what was going on with my ex

    i like how i can tell him i feel angry and upset and im going to hang up the phone so that i can get myself to feel better

    mm

    will reread in a sec

    the oatmeal and soft boiled eggs made me sleepy



  2.  #2Daria on February 18, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    this quote tied in to this post for me

    Transformation is only valid if it is carried out with the people, not for them. Liberation is like a childbirth, and a painful one. The person who emerges is a new person: no longer either oppressor or oppressed, but a person in the process of achieving freedom. It is only the oppressed who, by freeing themselves, can free their oppressors.”– Paulo Freire, from Pedagogy of the Oppressed

    I like paulo Freire from an education class i had in college.

    this is deep

    this is what i want to do with my ex

    will keep practicing



  3.  #3Kimberly on February 18, 2010 at 5:56 pm

    Yes, very deep and quite nice.

    I need to have a similar conversation with a male friend so I especially appreciate this post.

    Thanks
    Kimberly



  4.  #4Sasha J on February 18, 2010 at 7:09 pm

    Hi everyone, and hello Rori,
    this line
    “When we keep things to ourselves, when we hide stuff from a man…we also build a horrifying sense of urgency inside ourselves.

    We actually create a toxic bond to him that otherwise wouldn’t even exist.”

    just jumped out to me…I feel like I am slowly getting it,…

    what I learnt and used (your tools) to get away from my toxic ex, has cumulated in me ignoring his toxic attmpts to guilt me into getting back wth him. 🙂
    i feel powerful, and i feel happy with myself, and when i feel like crap i am learning to let myself feel it.

    i recognize feeling the crazy toxic bond as mentioned above with the ex.

    i feel like i can float above it and feel the familiar feelings and yet not feel like i am going to lose myself and feel swept away with the mushy whitewater of toxicity

    and also i have just noticed that the crazy crush i have had for the past few weeks….i have been able to easily not lean forward too much…of course i made mistakes and then remembered to be gentle with myself and hug myself when i realised i was going down the lines of ‘chasing’, just like i did with my toxic ex…

    i feel some pangs of rejection, like ‘i can’t believe he doesn’t want m’.
    and yet because i have started practicing circular dating, i am paying attention to what it feels like to be in a place where the man is making conscous attempts to give to you…compliments, offers to read your thesis, jokes, attention, etcetc, and my feeling of wanting to chase the crush down and ‘show him what i’ve got’ feels like it is fading away……

    love to you all and it feels great being a woman!



  5.  #5Sasha J on February 18, 2010 at 7:45 pm

    i feel some sadness my ex keeps contacting me and apologizing and this and that and i know i feel happier now i feel free and happy and in 3 short months have alot going on that feels good for me…and i feel a little tug a little sadness



  6.  #6Daria on February 18, 2010 at 7:53 pm

    Sasha J – i really like your post. I feel ick with the image of whitewater of toxicity… i can see and feel the foam and the icky taste

    i like how you said how you’re paying attention to waht it feels like when a man is making conscious attempts to give to me… that was very clearly put as to waht that looks like

    I felt inspired and I texted this guy… who came “back” to pursuing me with a text… just what im feeling

    it feels awkward becaues we are in a similar social circle and i can easily just push him into “friends” but instead I just opened up and told him how I’m feeling>>

    I felt weird when he told me a few months ago to not tell people we’re hanging out… and i’ve been feeling closed off to him since then

    I wouldn’t really have said anything to him, but I’m practicing NOT hiding… feels awkward… that is soooo… well… not used to it for us… it’s more like hey, hey, with us, rather than depth…

    so this feels a lil exciting



  7.  #7Daria on February 18, 2010 at 8:20 pm

    Wow – he says he said that because he knows people would be jealous and he hasnt hung out with them… (hmm) and he didnt mean to be rude

    i said ok smily face cuz i feel smily at this answer

    Now he says:

    I want to be seen with you and get u open

    WOW hehe (I had told him I felt closed off)

    I bet he does hahaha

    last time i saw him was at a bar where i went by myself and guys were really wanting time with me…

    I feel hella out my comfort zone talking like this to him… im gonna text him that…

    wow i texted him A LOT of stuff
    wow

    I feel concerned. That’s ok. I love myself. HUG to myself.

    I feel insecure.

    I told him hehe i feel out my comfort zone, and im still feeling unsure. and i was starting to like him before. and im ona grown level i date and stuff i dont want sexfriends

    wow

    that is a lot i ffeel overwhelmed

    that pretty much covers it

    what else am i hiding? oh yeah… well i’m not sure he coudl be the one, and I don’t feel like he realy really likes me, just that he’s attracted to me. I don’t totally trust him or feel close to him, but I was starting to feel a little attracted to him. BUt not like HELLA much

    yeah well

    his turn to say something



  8.  #8Daria on February 18, 2010 at 8:23 pm

    I feel afraid because I do want to do my sexploration

    but i dont want sexfriends for that

    that didnt feel good with Dman as sexfriends

    I want like

    sexploration in a way that feels good and i feel wanted for me and I feel given to

    so i feel confused but i dont have to figure it out

    i just know what i dont want – to feel bad

    and what I do want, to learn about myself sexually

    open for this

    also open to be married in a relationship that exceeds the wonders of even my imagination and that I can have a family and a feel good fulfilling life with



  9.  #9Sasha J on February 18, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    woohoo daria 🙂
    you are one hot brave chook! (chook = chick, as we say in Australia :P)

    you know honestly i still feel like i am struggling with the ‘speaking/texting’ first…i hung out one afternoon with my crush and went to his ‘hood’ because there was a festival there that i genuinely waned to check out…a part of me felt..uh oh i am sending myself to a guy. another part of me said ‘ i am going to pretend to be a rock star and do whatever feels good and it would feel good to go to xxx to check out the festival and hang out with the crush..’

    it felt great and he bought the drinks etc, a part of me felt awkward though because i had a big crush on him, and i never got to be gutsy like you and say anything, the next day when we all went out as a group i avoided him because i fetl awkward and didn’t dare say antyhing!!!!!



  10.  #10Rebecca on February 18, 2010 at 9:28 pm

    Hi girls,

    It’s very interesting to share your stories and experiences. Can anyone tell me how to make him back? My ex came back to me three times with tears. My heart was too soft and I forgave him. Now another time happen, I do not want the same story happen again. I want feel his sincerty. I don’t feel he is 100% there. But I don’t know why he is still around me, text me, always asking to help me… I want to move on my life. But I feel I still like him. How can I change the situation?

    Thanks.

    Rebecca



  11.  #11Starlight_29 on February 18, 2010 at 9:52 pm

    I feel angry and confused, i done the crying part, i done the eating part i just typed up 6 paragraphs and deleted it some how and i still dont feel any better.

    This is hard for me, i doing well with the leaning back, thing infact leaning back is easy for me, becuase i do it almost all the time.

    the truth is all the guys that im talking to dating ect dont mean a thing to me, they can chase do whatever they want but i know, I DONT WANT ANY OF THEM. i know they aint the ones for me, so i can practise all day long.

    but when it comes to this one guy, that i did’nt expect to even have feelings for, i just feel stupid doing or saying anything, everything sounds wrong.

    I havent seen him in 3 weeks, i was leaning back letting him call me txt ect, i was fine….ok it felt odd because i wanted to let him know i like him and i was’nt sure if i made what i wanted out of this clear.

    So i go to his house, because i did’nt want him at mines, im not ready to let him into my space plus i have children and i dont think it’s that time to be meeting them. I wanted to gage were he thought this was going and if he had me in his plans.

    now this is the best i could get from him…….

    I told him im feeling confused and wanted to know were this thing was going because i havent seen him in a long time and wasnt sure about us

    he says

    a flower takes time to grow, he wants us to be like a flower and nuture and grow slowly.

    I say
    thats not enough for me as there is no name on that so are we just doing this flower thing?

    he said
    your not understanding me, lets just take our time.

    so i said to him well how do you feel about an open relationship because i know what i want and if your not sure then im gonna keep on looking?

    He turned his back on me and went to sleep!

    this made me feel sad and even more confused than i was before, im angry and i want to burst out crying but im holding it in, so eventually i go to sleep.

    i wake up and hour later, im ready to go home i dont wanna be there no more, so we get dressed, and he drops me home, i dont say anything on the way home he’s reaching out to me but im so angry i dont respond i dont even wanna look at him.

    I say thank you, he says your welcome, im here for you ive always been here for you, so i pluck the courage to tell him im still feeling confused and sad about it, i wanted to talk to you and i dont feel like much was said, he said i know what you want but like i said lets take it slow like a flower, thats just how i do things, so i said ok so were doing things on your terms then? he says im tired we will talk on the phone.

    I feel like i have lost my power, this makes me angry
    i dont wanna have feelings no more, feelings are hard, i cant deal with my feelings when i acctually feel something for you

    i want a name on this thing, but i didnt before, he was supposed to be a bit of fun, now i want more from him i mean we have only be talking for a month, we met a year ago and lost contact.

    am i asking for too much to soon? do i even know this guy well enough to be talking of marrige? what if it’s just a phaze, he’s not my type, but i feel so good when im around him, i was’nt expecting to feel like this.

    What am i going to do now? i really dont know how to deal with this, i just wanna run away……..



  12.  #12Starlight_29 on February 18, 2010 at 10:05 pm

    now i said open relationship, just to test him to see how he would recact but im telling you this if he’s down for that i would be crushed, i thinking i should have said dating others, im worried he might have the wrong impression of me *sigh* let me just dig a hole and put myself in it, someone please cover me over with the soil.



  13.  #13Sasha J on February 18, 2010 at 10:20 pm

    ladies, i have to leave work now, but i feel your pain because i have been there before, i have even been in situations where i feel awful but kept it all in and ended up feeling humiliated. promise me to breathe and give yourself a hug, even though you feel like shit. ok. go read the other posts, and rori’s book, etc.
    it will happen very slowly.
    love to you xoxoxo have a wonderful weekend, and if you feel like you want to crawl and hid in your bed and just sob, do it. remember to hug yourself and write down little things that feel good! or feel bad! start somewhere



  14.  #14Daria on February 18, 2010 at 11:06 pm

    Starlight – “testing” a man is not being honest, and “asking him where you stand” especially repeatedly, is certainly not leaning back. Hugs to you. Don’t push him away anymore. Reading your post I felt the pushy and needy energy so my guess is that’s what would go on with him too.

    Dating others is not because they’re the one for you, it’s to practice being honest and leaning back and to practice the tools of GETTING INTO YOUR FEELINGS and getting into your BODY and RECEIVING.

    If you don’t want him at your house, then he can ask you on a date, rather than you going to his house. I don’t bring men to my house either.

    I feel frustrated and controlling and impatient. I feel guilty. I send you hugs.

    What do you think you could have done differently that would be using the tools?



  15.  #15Starlight_29 on February 18, 2010 at 11:45 pm

    staying at home in my bed, i should’nt have gone to see him he’s house if we was out in a quite bar i could have practised my tools and gone home.

    i feel stupid

    i wanna give up, get with a man who likes me more than i like him and get this relationship thing over and done with, i cant deal with my emotions, dating/talking to all these men just feels phony.

    i feel like crap, i look needy and impaticent and i have just messed up all my leaning back with one meet, how stupid am i?

    I dont want to like him anymore, that would be so much easier, im getting a headache….. need sleep

    Im saying all of this, but i know tomo will be a better day.

    Thanks Daria



  16.  #16Marcelle on February 19, 2010 at 12:01 am

    Dear “Rori Raye”,

    What if there’s actually NO SUCH THING as “secret psychology”, which is what you are touting in your ads? And what if there’s no such thing as the assumption that all WOMEN are wanting MEN, as you are touting in your ads? How can you take yourself seriously? If you’re sure of yourself, you’ll publish these questions. If not…



  17.  #17Daria on February 19, 2010 at 12:22 am

    Starlight –

    well… how about seeing this as an experiment? You experimented with going to his house, and now you saw it felt bad. I’ve done it before more than once or twice.

    Hugs to your feeling bad. I feel glad that you know you will feel better tomorrow! Sometimes I don’t remember that. hehe.

    PS – there is always another chance to lean back hehe.

    nite nite im feeling sleepy! I feel glad and surprised that you said thanks because I felt so WEIRD writing to you like I was patronizing you. I feel uncomfortable and I think I sound controlling and cold. And I feel triggered and insecure about that.

    Nite nite!



  18.  #18Lola on February 19, 2010 at 6:24 am

    “When we keep things to ourselves, when we hide stuff from a man…we also build a horrifying sense of urgency inside ourselves.

    We actually create a toxic bond to him that otherwise wouldn’t even exist.”

    Bingo!!!!

    This is exactly what happened in my relationship and my communication – I would have something building up in me to the point where my head was going to blow off. At that point i would call him up to deal with this as a matter of urgency and he was just thinking everything was OK with us and we’d just spent a lovely weekend together etc etc.

    Thanks for this Rori it’s such an insight

    Hi everyone, haven’t posted for a while, been looking after our family cat whose been very sick and died this week on my daughter’s birthday!!!!

    It’s felt like a super hard week but my man bucked the trend and stepped up big time for me and the children and the cat! As Rori says prepare to be surprised (or something like that?)

    XXX



  19.  #19Starlight_29 on February 19, 2010 at 6:42 am

    The thing is i wanted to go to his house i wanted to see him, i wanted to have sex with him, it’s just everytime things don’t go my way or i panic, then i feel bad about it, so whos got the issues here? ME

    Im in control of everything how far we got so far has been up to me, so why do i feel like im giving up my power with every word i say?

    none of these men are the problem, i am, if i can get this feeling of being a emotional bomb about to explode everytime i like someone under control i will be fine, hey im trying, i have to give myself a pat on the back for seeing were i have gone wrong and iam willing to practise getting it right.

    im gonna keep dating, using my tools and leaning back, i should’nt of said open relationship that wasnt a good move cause i wasnt being honest.

    Daria it did feel a lil parionising, but that’s what i needed, you pointed out that i need to think about could have done better, thats what i needed to focus on, that’s positive so thanks again BIG HUGS
    😉

    I will continue to date others and im gonna have fun doing it, rather than worry about what might be, just had to tweak my perception a lil.



  20.  #20Siena on February 19, 2010 at 8:59 am

    “if you express correctly what has happened for you and how you feel, and what you need, and how you reacted… that’s when change happens in a relationship.”

    Rori, are you psychic? (only half kidding)

    This morning I awoke to an email in my inbox from the ex. It’s been 1 month to the day since he ended things – out of nowhere in my mind. He hasn’t contacted me at all during that time.

    I planned on completely ignoring him, which I figured was better than the other option of responding to him in a friendly – but non intimate – manner. The ‘friendly manner’ would have landed me squarely in the friendzone, and ignoring him would have made him chase me a little harder – but to what end?

    The email was not about us at all – he told me he found some business for me. I laugh as I write this, because the last 4 men in the past 6 years or so have ALL reopened communication with that line! This is my pattern, ugh!

    So anyway, I was planning on ignoring until I read this post this morning. Now I guess I have to tell the truth of why it doesn’t work for me. hmmm… this is not easy!

    Can I practice here? I think I’d like to say,

    “Dear M, thank you for thinking of me for the project. I’m gonna pass on it because it feels weird to me to have you scoping out work for me. It’s a friendzone thing, and I don’t feel good being in the friendzone. I hope you are well! Siena”

    What do you think? That sounds like I’m 10, doesn’t it?

    Siena



  21.  #21Terry on February 19, 2010 at 9:38 am

    Siena, I’m realizing patterns in my own life. I feel like a baby learning how to walk with all this stuff. It feels taxing at times.

    I just wanted to say your response to him feels authentic to me.



  22.  #22Linda on February 19, 2010 at 10:14 am

    I feel curious and confused about some things I feel today.

    This post triggered some thought and feelings in me.

    I realize that when I am asked if I am ok, that is an opportunity to share. I will not stuff but share. I did not like the toxic bond that began to exsist between S and I. I did not have a horrifying sense of urgency but there were things there that affected my vibe. Of course if he would have not been doing things behind my back and focusing on doing what he said and promised than these things would not have been there. However, what I see now is that stuffing and unhealthy.

    While I was coming back from the trip S sat by me on the plane. I told him to move, there were empty seats. He did not budge. I found that odd. I looked out the window did not speak to him… Then he started talking to me…. sharing…. softening his coldness…almost back peddling. He was visibly shaking, he said he felt sad, and his heart was hurting. (I was shocked at this becasue he had been so mean earlier) That is when I started responding to him. Speaking my truth, not holding back.

    After reading this post I realize that this was an intimacy that happened between us. It felt warm but not reconsilatory. His body language changed. He seemed as if he was looking at an inner demon and wanting to slay it….. My gosh there was a moment there we laughed together. As I reflect on this today and read this post and remember a text from him yesterday and its slight pull on me to respond…. is this a bond or a toxic one?

    There are lots of things I want to learn so I dont repeat this again. It is going to take a while for it all to sink in. Irreguardless I love this post and the comment about liberation too.

    Linda



  23.  #23Rori Raye on February 19, 2010 at 10:32 am

    Siena, I like this very much…how about you cross out the “to have you scoping out work for me….” and just leave it…”it feels weird to me…feels like a friendzone thing….” Love, Rori



  24.  #24Siena on February 19, 2010 at 11:02 am

    Thanks Rori,

    Leaving out the “to have you scoping out work for me” is important because this isn’t about him, it’s about me. I get it! Baby steps… but I’m getting it!

    Terry, thank you for your response too. I’m super excited to break my pattern, this feels very very good! But it is hard work, like flexing a muscle that hasn’t been used in many years.

    Siena



  25.  #25Daria on February 19, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    Thanks Linda –

    I feel glad you like it and the comment about sexfriends! I feel super loved and affirmed.

    Hey I just saw you said something on the other post about “picking your battles.” I used to vision life as a battle and me as Camille but now I have intended to shift into non-battle-ness walk and adventure in the forest. So maybe the pick my battles is Choose my words. That way I can still express Everything BUT i don’t have to “fight” and I can Choose the way I express. Still babystepping “tweaking” with that. Still like Kali at my back, I don’t have to “Lose” my learned skills, I will always have them since I choose to…

    And for the why does he text you thing! Hehe you’re a Goddess! Did you really think a man would leave you alone! lol. I THINK that men do this, even when we’ve told them no contact, because their pursuing comes in, and well, they’re not the ones to lean back. Even us, who are the lean back ones, Think about them every now and then (ok maybe more or less lol). So imagine them thinking and NOT feeling good leaning back.

    That’s not to say you have to answer him or anything. I’m just saying I always expect a man to come back, whether I’ve told him no contact or not. Mostly only more feminie energy or insecure ones will actually stop contact.

    After all, how can he get to you, without contacting you.

    I’m not a fan of S.

    And I know you said you were open, warm, giving, and gave it your best. Well from now on, its open warm receiving. That way if theres nothing to receive, well you’ll see it and you’ll move away, and if there is, well, you’ll receive it inspiring the man to give more more more. I can imagine what a joy it must be for men to step into this secret masculinity they probably don’t even know they have. Like omg I’m a MAN! Why do I feel so strong and good! WOW!

    hehehe

    YOU sound wonderfully strong and good btw. IN a FEMININE way.

    I feel like the ramble monster heheh! a cute pink fuzzy monster with google eyes like those Weeples? I think they’re called.

    Ramble! Ramble! hehehee



  26.  #26Daria on February 19, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    Thanks Sasha J – DAMN I’m a sexy Chook, a sexy chook!

    Lol

    BTW havent’ heard back from text guy, he’s probably still “processing”. I don’t get very concerned about that because well, generrally men will come back after they figure out how best to approach in light of this new ummm info? knowledge… clarity… intimacy



  27.  #27heartbeat on February 19, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    I particularly want to give Starlight a hug – I’m feeling all your emotions and that’s how it is when we start looking at ourselves in relationships and making changes and experiencing all this stuff.

    And – sigh – don’t give yourself a hard time, what I’m getting from reading your posts here is how authentic you are with US, and how much energy you’re putting into figuring it all out – and I’ve been there too. And I love how you’re now asking yourself if he’s what you want, rather than asking him what’s the deal. We decide what the deal is, and whether we like the alternatives. I’m cheering you on from the wings. xx



  28.  #28heartbeat on February 19, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    I had a meltdown later on on V-day.

    Great start, although I woke up a little blue, as I do most mornings now since my sister died. It’s really only sinking in now, two months later… she really isn’t coming back. (I feel utterly devastated sometimes, like when I wake from a dream of her, even though I know in the dream that she’s gone. I finally took her clothes – after I’d sifted through them 3 times – to a cancer charity shop today. I kept some, some to wear and some just cos I don’t want to let go just yet. )

    My son called me for a lift, so we went and had fried chicken for late breakfast in a drive-thru 🙂 We’re having some nice times since we talked about him getting his own place.

    I feel very emotional – tears running – grief and love and all the hurly-burly of relationship learning…

    While we’re parking up I get a call from one of POF fans (I’ll call him The Earl) – he’s a favourite at the moment – and then he calls me later and we talk for an hour. Wow is he making all the right noises!!

    But then I have this awful anxiety, about half an hour after we talked. IT’S ALL TOO MUCH CHANGE so… I call my mother and she listens and reminds me to stop and although The Earl might be great, perhaps I might be missing Depressed Man (who I’ve been with for two years).

    And it’s all swirling around, all the pain and tears – anyone had that happen? And my head’s spinning with ‘should I do this?’ ‘should I do that?’ panic panic BACKTRACK wind the tape back please etc etc.

    On Monday I just STOPPED. Stayed in bed, re-read Eat Pray Love and slept. And felt super peaceful.

    The churning started again Tuesday but my boss who’s also my friend, sat me down and applied some LOGIC which, weirdly (!) finally got me off the self-blame track – she said “he may be depressed. but he is CHOOSING not to see you in person”. Phew.

    I’m attracting so many treasures – lovely meals from friends included.



  29.  #29heartbeat on February 19, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    When I miss a few posts and start commenting again I feel sort of all over the place and rambly… and reading back thru – of course sirens will have felt their emotions all over the place – but the sudden change from delight to despair… well that threw me for a loop.



  30.  #30Starlight_29 on February 19, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    Awww thank you heartbeat, that made me feel good and my heart area fill up with warmth, thats the only way i can discribe it lol

    im just learning to trust myself and just to go with my feelings, no matter how scary it is.
    im that girl…. when i like you and i wanna say how i feel i just feel like im gonna burst, but it does’nt come out the right way and that must give off a clingy energy.

    I sent a text saying excatly how im feeling, without blame, questions, judgment, nothing.
    i feel good that i sent it no matter the outcome.

    Im not beating up myself no more and i have been asked out on a date for sunday

    Im back on track ladies 🙂



  31.  #31heartbeat on February 19, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    Profile Advice Wanted

    After this anxiety meltdown I realised I want to take my time and just DATE – The Earl is talking about all sorts of plans, which would feel REALLY wonderful if I felt ready to make a commitment. But I don’t, I hardly know him, I have had a lot of heavy stuff going on and I’m looking forward to FUN and going for meal-dates and walk-dates and film-dates casually with new men (and also with old friends). SO…

    so I feel like saying so in my online profile –

    “???” suddenly can’t be bothered… I feel… exhausted. Right, I’m off to bed.

    Sweet dreams, Sirens xxxx



  32.  #32Linda on February 19, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    Thanks Daria…. I will take that to heart. Warm open and receiving.

    I know you are not a fan of S. He is toxic and even though I thought he had really changed he obviously has not. After this last go around I do feel really done. I still cant believe some of the things he said to me. The man is clearly not interested in protecting, cherishing, and encouraging my heart. Even though he acted like it and had me convinced… for a while…. time reveals everything.

    I did give out of responding to his request but did not over function. I leaned back and literally almost starved to death while this was going on between us since Christmas. I kept waiting for him to keep warming up and he was then poof… back to his old ways. He was actually texting another woman while we were on our trip that I had to end up paying for most of! I had a dream about it and was very unsettled when I woke up. I simply looked on his phone. sigh….

    He decieved me, himself and this new person I kinda feel like he is a TIger Woods only different.

    The car issue? Well, I am getting my car from him tonight, hence (I am a uncaring cold hearted bitch)… oh well He should have thought about throwing the baby out with the bathwater before he started getting online behind my back (but I could tell he was before I confirmed it just by his demeanor)…. Wow now that I think of it a week after we got the car that was supposed to be “ours”… but he would make payments to me so I could reinvest my money with interest….he started acting different again and then he lost his job at his own fault and has no way to pay his rent which is late… insurance for the car or me. He says now I am going back on my word… well he should have thought of that before he broke his word to me. And yes I feel justified and have every right to take it. No way I am enableing him on my dime to go see another woman. Let her find out for herself just what kind of looser he really is. He said Please help me as a friend to build my life back… I already tried that and he betrayed his word to me so BYE BYE.

    I told him, I am taking the car, you are off the hook, you owe me nothing, you dont have to see me or deal with me at all. … and this feels right for me, this is what I need for me end of conversation.

    So even though he text me… I feel suspicious that is was just to try and keep me interested so he can keep the car. NOPE… I am not buying it.

    I will remember…. warm open and and receiving. Who knows.. maybe this guy will turn around some day and hopefully I will have the man of my dreams by then.

    I dont feel ready to date anyone right now… I am going to relax and enjoy me and my peace and quiet for a while.

    Linda



  33.  #33heartbeat on February 19, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    Starlight – yeah!! I experimented my way through – and I ALWAYS felt good when I felt I’d expressed myself accurately.

    And sometimes I too took the initiative, for ME, by texting or calling. If I was clear with myself and unattached to any outcome, we got closer. If I was feeling anxious/clingy – fail!

    Hope your date goes well on Sunday. I have one too 🙂



  34.  #34heartbeat on February 19, 2010 at 2:44 pm

    Actually… I don’t even really want to date that much… what I want to do is just lie around and sleep, and declutter and make my home beautiful. Hmmm.

    OK sleep now xx



  35.  #35heartbeat on February 19, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    I want six months off work, in my jamas with a colouring-book and a knitted rabbit, and nourishing meals cooked by friends.

    Only tomorrow I might wake up in a Viking mood, with big pointy breasts and red lips and an appetite for hearty banter and hot dudes (baldness acceptable).



  36.  #36Orna Walters on February 19, 2010 at 4:47 pm

    Hi Linda,

    If you are feeling curious that’s a great place to be. I am curious about your confusion. 😉

    Generally, we feel confused if we’re not being honest with ourselves, or we have a judgment about an emotion. It is the clue that there is something between our inner self and our outer world that is not harmonious.

    Before you can communicate with a feeling statement you must be clear on how you feel. If you struggle with getting caught up in your thoughts try this neat trick:

    I think… (fill in the blank) = Thought, if it makes sense (if the actual sentence makes sense).

    I think…(fill in the blank) = Emotion, if it does NOT make sense, or sounds like Caveman talk.

    “I think happy!” – Caveman talk/Emotion/Feeling
    “I think angry!” – Caveman talk/Emotion/Feeling
    “I think we should go to the store and get some milk.” = Thought.

    So plug in whatever words come up, and this way you can make sure you are using an emotion, an actual feeling.

    Sending you a Big Hug!
    Orna



  37.  #37Turtle Girl on February 19, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    Oh Heartbeat-

    I so relate and feel how crazy, beat up, emotional, confused, etc etc you are feeling. A lot of it is prolly your sis.

    It took me a really long time to process my dad’s death. I would stand in the shower with hot water pouring down on my body and just weep the whole time. It took me six months to feel even sub human and two years to get back to normal functioning. We were very close and I thought I would never get over it. He has been gone now since 97.

    I did a lot of “coloring book, jammies, and hot tea” and it was so good to really comfort and take care of myself during those times. I slept a lot. I spent a lot of time alone and in my garden.

    It has only been three months since I broke up with toxic man and there are days I feel just awful still. It may take a while, because it is sort of like a divorce or a kind of death. It was an abrupt thing and feels like he died. Just one day I was talking to him all loovey dovey and the next it was over. Like he died.
    I still pine for him, I still miss him, even though I got on my horse and I am dating all sorts of men.

    I had a terrible V-Day. Almost sex with a man I had five or six dates with. But it all fell apart when the clothes came off – a big disaster-and it felt horrible and I walked away and I will never see him again. My choice this time around. He is a jerk. I feel as though I am improving because the time frame of recognizing jerk traits is getting shorter and shorter. And since I am dating around I don’t feel desperate to have any one man and that gives me the power not them.
    And it seems the more authentic I am with me, the more better men are showing up. Sigh-this stuff is hard at times and I get tired and hopeless and cranky and overwhelmed and scared I will never find anyone compatible. I think I need to just go sleep for a while.



  38.  #38Orna Walters on February 19, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    TG,

    Yay! “I feel as though I am improving because the time frame of recognizing jerk traits is getting shorter and shorter.”

    CELEBRATE!!

    If you feel like sleeping, sure, okay – but do something really splendid for yourself. Take yourself out on an Inner Child Date and refuel. (Need ideas? click here: http://creatingloveonpurpose.com/_blog/Free_Articles/post/Is_Your_Cup_Empty_or_Overflowing/).

    It can be “hard at times” – that is how we grow.

    Have FAITH!

    I love, love, LOVE this statement: “And it seems the more authentic I am with me, the more better men are showing up.”

    YES! YES! YES!! Feel the power of that. Take it in. I’m not kidding when I say CELEBRATE! Celebrate your big huge win! Saying NO to what you do not want leaves the space for what you truly desire to come right in.

    The “right guy” the compatible guy will show up. The key is to CONSISTENTLY be in the space – the emotional space – for him to reveal himself.

    My husband and I attended the same networking meeting – Once a Month – for OVER A YEAR!! We think it is hysterical that we took so long to connect, however, we are both very clear that we each had more work to do before we could have this incredible partnership that we have now.

    Hug yourself. Love yourself.

    xx
    Orna



  39.  #39Daria on February 19, 2010 at 7:24 pm

    Sade!

    I love this story:

    In a recent New York Times profile, the singer worried aloud about being “too candid” to the media. But we did learn at least 5 things about her, including that for the past five years she’s been in a committed relationship with a man named Ian Watts. They live together in Gloucestershire, England where they’re raising her 13-year-old daughter, Ila, and his 18-year-old son, Jack. She largely stays home — gardening and parenting have filled her days these 10 years. But she’s also been taking care of a terminally ill friend that she declined to name.



  40.  #40Tina on February 19, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    I thought “ew” when I passed 1 1/2 year man on the road, he met each other, he was heading home I was heading out. I thought ‘what a closed off odd man” lol. I also thought for one crazy moment “he misses me” does he know he made a mistake?” I wonder if he thinks he made a mistake, then I thought further thats ok it’s over, I hugged myself, Iv’e been doing that a lot lately and have not felt nearly as much anxiety and fear, it’s been about three days and I have not felt that intense feeling come up. I feel almost normal 🙂



  41.  #41Nancy on February 19, 2010 at 8:32 pm

    I’ve been thinking so much about talking to my man in feeling messages as close to the time that I feel bad as possible, keeping the air clear and not shoving myself under the rug. At times I’m able to and other times, it just feels like a bad time. He’s busy, he’s working, he’s having a bad day, we’re in the middle of having a good time and he does or says something that I feel bad in response to. He notices this, too and commented recently that we have so much fun when we’re together that neither one of us wants to ruin the mood by bringing anything up. And then there’s the shock factor. Sometimes I don’t feel the depths of my feelings about something for quite a while, after the shock of it wears off. So, baby steps.

    Yesterday I told him while we were on the phone that I feel lonely in my life. I’m single, I live alone and I feel sad about it. We could both hear the tears behind my words. He said, yeah, but focus on the positive, you’re in comitted relationship with someone you love. I said I do focus on that (and implied was that I still feel sad). After I hung up I felt scared. I realized how risky it felt to have said that to him, when he’s pulled away every time I’ve brought up the status of our relationship. To my surprise, he called me later and asked if I wanted him to come over. He was still working and was a long way away. I said I’d love to see you. I feel tired. I know you haven’t been feeling well and I feel like I should let you off the hook. I know it’s a long drive. He said he was tired. We got off the phone and to my surprise, he called back and said he was on his way and was very playful and sexy. We had a nice night together. This is the first time he’s done that. Usually it feels like I want him here and it’s an effort for him. Now, I’ve let go of all that and… here he comes. Leaning back, feeling I could let go and giving feeling messages without drama… IS WORKING!

    Thanks Rori! I just can’t thank you enough!

    Nancy



  42.  #42Daria on February 19, 2010 at 8:35 pm

    I JUST PEED NORMAL PEE!!!!

    I think it was the apple cider vinegar that did it!

    I remember last time I had it everyday on my salad, and this time I hadn’t had it till now… an hour ago and then BAM normal pee!!!

    OHH IM SOOO HAPPY I FEEL TEARY!!!

    THANK YOU GOD GODDESS JESUS AND ANGELS AND EVERYTHING!! THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!



  43.  #43Starlight_29 on February 20, 2010 at 3:24 am

    Heartbeat, i don’t know about losing a close love one, so i really can only hear you and feel your saddness but it will never come close to your personal pain.
    I feel you should always keep your heart open to receive no matter what, you are beautiful i feel that through your words and i know you have great friends, family, and other connections to help you along the way, you are blessed

    little baby steps love

    Have fun on your date



  44.  #44Lori on February 20, 2010 at 7:05 am

    Heartbeat,

    I lost my sister 2 years ago, so I feel your pain. HUGS to you….

    Daria,

    Did you try the D-mannose capsules? They usually clear up a UTI in a day or 2 rather than weeks!



  45.  #45Simply Shannon on February 20, 2010 at 8:12 am

    Subscribing



  46.  #46Turtle Girl on February 20, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Hi Orna-

    Thanks for your comments and support. The time frame IS getting shorter and shorter. The old ways of being just don’t work for me so much as they used to.
    I dumped Mister “almost sex” after 5 dates. Before that I stayed with toxic man was was unhappy for 5 months. Today I have CL ads up and dating site ads up and I am turning down in record time men who show up that are not for me. It is as if the universe is
    “testing me” somehow. Like-Ok-here ya go another jerk like the last time right down to the same type of sunglasses and cigarettes and attitude-are ya gonna roll with this one? Or not? What cha gonna do? It’s rather amusing in a way if I stand back and look objectively at myself. Wow-can I really just say no to that guy. He is such a “bad boy” and so good looking – I just know I can change him and he will give me what I want…………..put on the brakes honey…………Neit. Stop. NEXT!!!!!!

    The good men that want to please me and are so willing to be men are showing up and yet I still do not find them very attractive (chemistry). I WANT very much to be attracted to one of these guys but it just isn’t happening for me. I still have a lot of work to do and miles to go before I sleep…….



  47.  #47Nancy on February 20, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    Heartbeat,

    My feelings and thoughts are with you. I am very sorry for your loss.

    xxoo
    Nancy



  48.  #48heartbeat on February 20, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    Turtle Girl – thank you, I feel comforted by your story and sad you lost your dad. I’ve been putting energy into getting back to ‘normal’ but am realising, as you put it: “a lot of coloring book, jammies, and hot tea and … good to really comfort and take care of myself …slept a lot. I spent a lot of time alone and in my garden.” Feels right for me too, I feel relieved. I like reading your posts, love your gutsy attitude and being in the 50 club with you. Life begins…

    Nancy – this is so ME: “we have so much fun when we’re together that neither one of us wants to ruin the mood by bringing anything up. And then there’s the shock factor. Sometimes I don’t feel the depths of my feelings about something for quite a while, after the shock of it wears off. ” I’m aware of this too, I’m improving in how I process this. I can beat myself up for not ‘getting it right on time’ or I can learn from the feelings afterward and decide from there how to speak about it or not. Thank you too for your words of comfort! PS I love your story.

    Starlight – your words feel beautiful, thank you so much <3

    Lori – what can I say – I feel connected… do we need words?… no. HUGS and hope we connect again.

    Daria Daria – so delighted you had a normal pee 🙂

    xxxxxxxxxxxx



  49.  #49heartbeat on February 20, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    I feel freaked at the thought of a lunch date tomorrow – it all feels too soon, I don’t want to cope with anything new in my life. Unless it’s shoes. I’m cancelling with feeling messages.

    I’m having a good time with my best girlfriends – around them I feel solid, and laughing or crying, and my confidence grows. We’re all a right bloody mess too – but getting in amongst it and trying things out, learning and growing. Actually no – we are amazing, some of the stories and insights blow my socks off.

    Only today I was sensing some inner information floating to the surface – something about ‘expectations’ and how these surfaced during my bereavement – I was so floored, so out of it – just wanted someone to come and take care of me, to know what I needed. I felt desperately needy and angry. I felt a burden to my girlfriends, who would have jumped and looked after me, but instead I expected my stressed and depressed man to do the job, and then felt REALLY BAD ABOUT BOTH OF US when he couldn’t. I’m not blaming myself – or him – it’s how it panned out, on reflection.

    Anyway, one of my best girlfriends came over today and, typically, began speaking about the very same realisation with her man. We experience so much synchronicity, I’m sure my inner circle made a pre-birth pact… It happens all the time, even once when we were apart for a few weeks, we had been learning the same lessons.

    The truth is – I still really LOVE my man, and there are moments I miss him like mad. I’m appreciating all the sweet things though am still stepped away and enjoying taking care of myself now. And grateful he’s doing the same.

    I don’t want to think about the future, I get anxious and thoughts start spinning. It doesn’t feel good. So maybe I’m being an ostrich but an ostrich has a nice fluffy bum. And so have I.

    So I’m CELEBRATING and SAVOURING everything in my life NOW, I’m not looking for anything – whatever comes into my life of its own accord I’m open to, or whatever grows naturally from what I do now.



  50.  #50heartbeat on February 20, 2010 at 2:49 pm

    Tina – your posts are a joy and your total openness fills me with wonder. Thank you. PS I still have your woollen sock 🙂 xx



  51.  #51heartbeat on February 20, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    I feel like writing to everyone, then I feel worried in case i miss someone out. So I’ve kind of missed the point. I’m feeling…. appreciative and celebratory. I love how supportive this blog feels to me now – even when I’m not posting, I feel sirens supporting one another.

    Lots of new sirens too – from all over the world – feels amazing, some strong women around. I feel very safe. Hello I’m thrilled to meet you! <3



  52.  #52heartbeat on February 20, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    Orna – I’m really excited you’re still around. I like your spin on relastionships (I’ll leave that typo in…) – it’s like you clarify, and enhance what we’re doing. Thank you xx



  53.  #53Lucy on February 20, 2010 at 5:55 pm

    I haven’t had a chance to read many of the posts on this thread yet, but Heartbeat — hugs to you. <3

    I would like some input on something that seems sort of trivial but for some reason it is sticking with me. One of my CD guys said in an email, "You are so cute, and so silly sometimes." Then he went on to say more about a situation I am dealing with, and was giving me advice, which I appreciated and valued. But I don't know why he said I was silly! My daughter (age 22) said it was meant affectionately, and it was because "you don't know what you're doing" (her words) in that situation. She said she thinks he is sort of amused by me and the predicaments I get myself into. I had emailed him back and clarified some things about the situation, hoping to make myself seem less "silly," and then said, "So do you still think I'm being silly?" When he emailed back he said, "Of course you're still silly, silly!"

    So, I kind of feel like asking him, "Why am I silly?" but I'm kind of afraid that would be making a big deal about nothing. I'm not sure what I feel about it, so I'm not sure about feeling messages. Am I being silly just by posting such a silly question on this forum???!!! Maybe what's bothering me is that I think of silly as meaning sort of stupid, and that doesn't feel good. But I don't think that's how he meant it.

    Am I being silly by asking you guys about this? Lol.



  54.  #54Orna Walters on February 20, 2010 at 7:03 pm

    Heartbeat,

    THANK YOU!! Soooo sweet. You made me feel so good. Just finished a long day of coaching and its so nice to check in here and get that lovely acknowledgment.

    I’m so sorry for your loss and all I can say is that there is no time limit on grief. I feel that we are so hard on ourselves in this arena and its just a matter of letting ourselves feel and express our feelings and be grateful for all we have.

    I am grateful for You. Sending you a BIG HUG.

    xx
    Orna



  55.  #55Orna Walters on February 20, 2010 at 7:14 pm

    Hi Lucy,

    I’m so happy you took the action of coming here to post that even at the “risk” of being “silly.” Here is a great example of how important it is to keep in mind that the other person is not You.

    What makes us all unique is our experiences, the meaning we give to those experiences (aka our beliefs) and our point of view.

    I see this as a wonderful opportunity to find out more about HIM and if he is compatible with YOU. Rather then imposing your view of “silly” on him, ask him what he means by “silly.” You may find out he has a completely different idea of what that means.

    When my husband and I started dating he would say “You’re cute.” I never liked being called “cute” when I was younger, and now that I’m over 40 I thought it sweet…but I wasn’t quite sure what he meant by it. So I asked him “What do you mean by cute?” It became a standing routine during our courtship as his response was always “Cute.”

    I expressed to him what I preferred instead “Sexy,” “Smart,” “Beautiful,” etc. Cute was phased out and what I preferred moved in and took up residence.

    I hope this helps,
    Orna



  56.  #56Lucy on February 20, 2010 at 7:52 pm

    Thanks so much for responding, Orna! I feel confused though — I thought we weren’t supposed to say “What do you mean?” (that’s in the Control Speak column of Rori’s Translations).

    It’s interesting how you felt about the word “cute” with your husband, and here is a perfect example of what you were talking about with experiences, beliefs, meaning, etc.: I LOVE when this guy calls me cute! It feels SO GOOD. And he does it a lot! 🙂 And here is one of the reasons why it feels so good to me (and this guy has no knowledge of this little “history of me”!) — One day when I was 17 and my sister was 15, we were dressed for school, and my mom said to my sister, “You look really cute.” It caught my attention, and I said to my mom, “How come you never say I look cute?” My mom paused, then said, “You’ll never be cute, but you’re beautiful when you smile.” Needless to say, that stuck with me.

    And nobody ever called me cute until this guy (and I’m 47). He says it about my looks and about my personality. Apparently he sees something my mother didn’t see 🙂 or, as you said, maybe he and my mom have different meanings for the word. Either way, I feel HAPPY to finally be “cute,” at least in one person’s eyes. 🙂



  57.  #57Tina on February 20, 2010 at 8:00 pm

    I like being called adorable, I’ve heard that said about me once on this site and once when someone mentioned my name. He said “she is adorable” hmmm I like it 🙂 I”m adorable! *hugs. I love the feeling I get when I hug myself. I had a late nap this evening so Im heading out for a decaf and clean the truck , it’s midnight here. BBL! all you adorable sirens!



  58.  #58Tina on February 20, 2010 at 8:01 pm

    I love my 1 1/2 inches of winter fat !



  59.  #59Orna Walters on February 21, 2010 at 8:25 am

    Lucy,

    I apologize for the confusion, always best to use feeling statements, and yes, do not ask “What do you mean?” So you could say “I feel confused by ‘silly.’

    Then you can see if he clarifies it. I guess my story is another example of the fact that you cannot say the wrong thing to the right person. With my husband, the whole thing was rather playful and fun and it worked out for us. Best to stick with the tools here, and simply know that if you “mess up” that just gives you more information about who you are dating, what feels good (or doesn’t), and most of all to be kind to yourself in the process.

    I do hope my story helped clarify that “Silly” could mean something very different to him then it does to you. For me, Silly = Fun.

    Hugs,
    Orna



  60.  #60Rori Raye on February 21, 2010 at 10:26 am

    Marcelle, I have no problem publishing your comment, I totally welcome different views, and you’ll get lots of replies – but I’m so intrigued here – My question is – Why did you click on an ad of mine and/or bother to find my blog and write to me this way if you are NOT interested in “getting a man” and a relationship? Clearly, my work is intended for women who DO want a man and a relationship – so it’s sort of like answering an ad for something you’re not interested in?

    And – yes, there IS a secret psychology to men and relationship – and it’s secret only because we women have been taught, trained, and brainwashed to believe certain things about love, relationship, marriage and men that are complete lies – and therefore, the truth remains secret. I tell the truth as I see it…read my stuff and see if you agree with me…and I’d love to hear your voice in all these discussions. Love, Rori



  61.  #61tinque on February 21, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    Marcelle – What if there actually IS SUCH A THING as “secret psychology”? And what if it’s true that all WOMEN are wanting MEN?
    This can be just as easily written the other way around for men.
    All of these questions comprise a part of what is human nature. We instinctively wish to bond with a special someone, and many of us are baffled at how to do this effectively, men and women alike.
    xxoo



  62.  #62Turtle Girl on February 21, 2010 at 5:08 pm

    Marcelle-

    I would like to suggest that you are clearly in denial about this. Lots of women I know say vehemently that they do not want a men, and it’s all lies. They either have been brutally hurt, feel bad about themselves, are temporarily in a frame of mind where they do not want a man, but will come out of it later, or they want to try to convince themselves that men are all assholes. I have seen it time and time again.

    I was this way for 7 years. I have a girlfriend who say she does not, but secretly pines for a man.
    Even nuns override their own biology. It’s just not natural to not want a man. Sorry but that’s my two cents. I want a man and am not embarrassed or ashamed to admit it. Good men are wonderful. I want to have sex and play with a big ole hunk of a beautiful man in my bed. I want to be loved by one and cherished by one. I want a man. I just do.



  63.  #63Lucy on February 21, 2010 at 8:44 pm

    Thanks, Orna. Before I read your last comment, I wrote to him, “I feel bewondered by ‘silly’…” (I didn’t want to put “confused” because that didn’t really feel like what I was feeling, so I came up with “bewondered.” teehee) He wrote back right away and used sort of a metaphor that is personal between us to explain what he meant and — I feel really good about “silly” now! 🙂



  64.  #64Lucy on February 21, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    I can’t find Marcelle’s comment on here any more — is it here somewhere? Marcelle, my first thought when I read your comment was that you meant some women don’t want a man because they want an intimate relationship with a WOMAN. And that would be a whole different story than being a woman who doesn’t want an intimate relationship with ANYBODY.

    Is that what you meant? I want you to feel heard.

    *Hugs*



  65.  #65Mercedes on February 22, 2010 at 3:52 am

    Loved this post and just want to subscribe before heading off to work…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  66.  #66Linda on February 22, 2010 at 5:29 am

    Orna… Thank you for your suggestions. I have to say I dont quite get it though. The thought = though or feeling post.

    I have made a commitment to really pay attention to my feelings. Communicating them is still difficult for me. Mostly right now I am paying attention to my feelings so that I have congruency on the inside,(something that you illuded to in your comment to me). Often time I do not feel the need to communicate those with anyone. It is an inner peace and awareness that I am needing to keep dialed in on. When I do need to communicate my feelings I feel frustrated and tongue tied at times. I want to use the best word to describe where I am at with people I have relationships with, but I feel my vocabulary just is too small. Curious is one of my new feeling words. It acurately describes my thinking, mulling it over, thing that I do alot!

    I enjoyed the link you listed about filling up your inner child tank… (my interpretation of your title) I am going to start doing some things to feel myself in that way.

    I think my biggest issue right now is communicating my feelings. I need help with it and lots of practice. My feelings feel “private” to me. “sacred” almost. Expressing them seems right but foreign and risky too at times.

    I have a long way to go before I get good at using feeling messages, but I know it is my next “job” I need to become proficient at and flow in.

    Linda



  67.  #67Daria on February 22, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    Mm yes. Linda – they are sacred.

    The vulnerable part is opening the sacred heart of us to the world

    babysteps



  68.  #68Nefer on February 22, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    My birthday is six days after Valentine’s Day. And was also horrific! I need Rori (and the Goddesses’ help!)

    I need help FAST! I got your eBook last October, after my live-in boyfriend unexpectedly snapped and ended our relationship, packed his things, and left, citing needing “time and space to sort things out.” Your programs triggered NOTICEABLE changes in me within two days. (I still WORK with that eBook, and read this Blog, and started Modern Siren!) Six days (and two dinner dates with two OTHER men) and many (incredibly effective) Feeling Messages later, my EX stepped back up to reclaim me. Since that was what I wanted, I was very happy. Our relationship for the past four months really transformed as I learned to open up more and be vulnerable and genuinely express myself, set my boundaries, and give up trying to control everything, and most especially Listening At Level 2. Our relationship was getting better and better every day. Or so I thought. Now I think that I let him come back WAY too soon, while he was still reeling from his knee-jerk reactions that told him to grab me up again FAST!

    Things were a bit tense and distant for the last couple weeks, and asking him about it got, “Isn’t this a normal cycle every couple goes through? Everything’s fine.” I figured his two-week layoff from work had him stressed about finances, and it would soon pass. We went out for my 38th birthday last Saturday night, a very fun time with friends – but late that night (yes, you read that right) the deja vu nearly made me throw up. It was like watching the same bad movie all over again, only this time, it was, “I’m just not happy, nothing I can put my finger on, it’s like a lot of little things, TINY things that shouldn’t seem to matter.” And then, heart-breakingly… “I love you, but it just stalled. It’s not growing, it’s not where I feel it should be after all this time. I tried everything to get it straight in my head without telling you, but I just can’t do it anymore. I have to work on me, to find out what I want. This will only hurt both of us more later.” So yeah, I got BOTH, “It’s me, not you!” AND, “I’m doing this for your own good!”

    I was stunned. Everyone was stunned. No one saw it coming, except apparently my once-again EX. Now what? In the two days since, he still contacts me often, can’t seem to let go, and his flash of jealousy at me going out last night was like before. The deja vu is killing me. The problem is, I don’t want this to go like last time – it CAN’T, because I CAN’T take it. I love him so much, and I want to spend my life with him… but don’t actually even see how we can get back together – if we did, I would constantly wonder if he was once more about to dump me instead of talking to me. I’d get insecure, and any distance or pulling away (even normal amounts!) would probably panic me, turning me into someone even I don’t like. We can’t live like that. Maybe it already happened like that. I don’t THINK it did, but maybe it DID affect the last few months?

    HELP! Please tell me what to do next. I hope it’s not cut all contact, but if it is, I will find the strength to ignore his calls and texts and his stopping by. How do I break through to him? I want him back, but not like before, and I don’t want to be in this place again in a few months.

    XOX Nefer



  69.  #69Sasha J on February 22, 2010 at 8:11 pm

    Dear Sexy Luscious Succulent Wild Chooks,

    🙂

    I feel in my gut a sense of calm and love reading these posts…

    Linda I feel your beautiful soul….Daria I feel your beautiful strength, Tinque I always feel a little smile when I see your posts.

    Baby steps, and inner child..these words feel magical to me….

    I have to admit, even 2 to 3 years ago, I did not know feelings. When I first read Rori’s book in early ’07 (?) I tried using the word ‘feels’ in a simple sentence ‘this wine feels nice’……to a guy who i had been in an imaginary relationship with….and i was trying everything to make him want me…….looking back, all i felt while saying it was a giant back hole of a lead gnarly ball in my stomach and my chest felt tight and i had stepped on my inner child with sexy heels and was breezily maintaining a cheerful sexy disposition and i thought i was invincible and desirable and i thought i was winning this chase and was charming the socks of this unavailable guy.

    i feel relieved typing this because i can see it now. i hardly even feel humiliated or ashamed now :).

    Driven by a need to feel love, to feel wanted, to feel some MAN LOVE :P, I had used my boy energy to mold myself into something I thought people, and guys would want.
    I now am learning to use my boy energy to guide me to put me in good feeling places and remove me from bad feeling places. I feel strong and smart and sassy in my boy hat and I give myself a salute and a pat on the bum when i wear it *giggle*
    and i always feel a deliciousness when i switch into my girl hat…leopard print, or feathers, or a giant stack of fruit (loop) LOL…

    I have learnt to look back and see how far i’ve come, and even if it’s 1 cm (0.5 inch), i give myself a little high-5…if i feel like i’ve gone backwards, i am learning to not be harsh on myself….if there was no low-tide…i wouldn’t have known where the rocks were. and rocks and reefs can be scary and dangerous. and yet they are beautiful, and can hide many delightful, beautiful treasures.

    yesterday i experimented with my unfailing urge to lean forward towards this guy…a crush i developed when he flirted with me and i have ever since been feeling great urges to get that desired feeling back.

    i im’ed him and basically made a fool of myself..trying to be cute and caring and ‘talking’ too much…and strangely i feel intact and bemused
    i will now name him my ‘experimental toy’ and maybe he is my messenger for ‘this is what it feels like to chase a guy and this is what it looks like when a guy is not stepping up’……so hooray i have a real life example………………..

    on sunday evening i went on an actual date…….
    i felt nervous, and respected and felt his attention and efforts to make me feel comfortable…he loved my dating profile (which is pretty long and rambly…lol) and i felt smiley when he mentioned which part he liked best.
    i had come back from a surf session feeling salty, sandy, elated, mellow, blissed-out…no make-up, crazy-haired, simple loose dress that i felt free and good in….
    he had picked a place in the suburb where i said i would be and came all the way to where i was.
    i felt like i was yelling above the music to be heard and he picked out new spots that felt quieter.
    i was feeling boisterous, noisy, and animated, and i felt a little smiley when he sat directly opposite me in the sun and i could see he was nervous *giggle*.
    he was simple and polite to waiters ad the waitress, and walked behind me when we were leaving.

    i felt respected he did not try to move close to mor touch me because in my dating profile i mentioned- i felt like if i were to meet any of them face-to-face i would do so from a safe-feeling coccoon all wrapped up in a blanket-if i felt safe i would ofer them some peanuts or a banana-..incidentally he said that was his favourite part.

    “note to self, this is what it feels like to be liked and wanted”

    i also remembered to practice breathing and listening …i have to admit i was feeling rather chatty.

    while we had arranged to meet at the bar/restaurant, which i feel good about for meeting someone for the first time, he offered to take me back to my friend’s house, which i was due in, and he found his way there with the gps, etc. (i am a headless chook with directions).

    i felt so many butterflies in my stomach…but it felt good….hooray i practiced some rori raye tools…

    so far so good….i need to go say yes to a few more dates from other men waiting for my reply 🙂

    love to you all….

    P.S I am supposed to be writing a science-y thesis, somehow, writing this about Surf and Love feels more second nature to me….well i have to get back to it…i’ve just put on my mad-boy-scientist cap…..



  70.  #70Daria on February 22, 2010 at 11:03 pm

    Sasha J i feel like the breeze hit me with deliciousness reading your post!



  71.  #71Simply Shannon on February 23, 2010 at 7:15 am

    Sasha J: Ditto what Daria said. I can feel the ocean breeze, taste the salt on my tongue, reading your post. Yummy!



  72.  #72Isabelle on February 23, 2010 at 8:11 am

    Writing to people you dont know is a big jump, a leap of faith almost. Believing we are all connected I suppose.
    I am writing to see if I can receive honnest comments and become really open about interpretations of an event.
    I split up with “sunshine” 2 weeks or 3 months ago depending how we look at it and I feel awful, I have decided to adress it with myself, to change my vibes to look at the positive beautiful things in my life.
    But it is so hard !! he is 41 , I am 35. I was/am very much in love with him and willing to make this work. We were living together, he would not speak of commitments, we would not “plan” anything together and when I would be really sad and tell him just that , he would reply that maybe he didnt know me well enough (pulling away). He is probably the person who has seen the most of me , this comment just made me speechlees. On a couple of occasions I was so angry , sad , overwhelmed by frustration that I would start packing my bags . He would then say that I can not possibly ruin something so special and walk away from something so beautiful. Well he left and said that he is not sure he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I am feeling so vulnerable at the moment , hesitating to let it go completely or hoping he will come back with the realisation we are met to be together ( it seems I cant know that for myself for sure !!!). How to distinguish hurt pride and love ? is it “healthy” to secretely wish he will come back or should i find a magical way to forget about it , decide it is out of my control and enjoy the present, the now ?
    NB I am half way through one of your program Rori and still wondering…is that for me ? do you think you can help ? can we all help one another ? merci…
    x



  73.  #73heartbeat on February 23, 2010 at 11:14 am

    Sasha J – LOVE your post, you surf chook 🙂
    I love windsurfing in windy Britain.

    I’m memorising chunks of what you wrote, or maybe I’ll print it out and pin it to my headboard, enlarged!

    This bit astonished me and I relate, same time-scale:
    “I tried using the word ‘feels’ in a simple sentence ‘this wine feels nice’……to a guy who i had been in an imaginary relationship with….and i was trying everything to make him want me…….looking back, all i felt while saying it was a giant back hole of a lead gnarly ball in my stomach”

    Wow what great steps you are making – 1cm at a time soon adds up. Hugs xx



  74.  #74Sasha J on February 23, 2010 at 6:30 pm

    hallo gorgeous Chooks 🙂

    I feel so smiley 🙂

    At the moment I am finding myself feeling curious and like a little girl wondering why I haven’t, and if I will hear from my date….

    I feel a little of that usual panic, and went back to my ‘pool of love’ , i.e my books, etc by rori, carol allen, david deida, etc… so I feel safer and ok with that feeling, and laughing about it with my flatmate….

    thank you for reading, and i feel like inviting you all into the water with me…

    heartbeat, bring your thongs here and join us 😉

    oh and i said yes to a coffee date tomorrow…different guy, hee hee.

    daria your blog is very cool….. 🙂

    and how about Simply Stunning Shannon??

    xoxoxoxo



  75.  #75Rori Raye on February 26, 2010 at 10:37 am

    Nefer – Welcome, and thank you so much – and I’m so happy for you that the Tools worked!! The thing was – he doesn’t! In other words – he’s not able to love you the way you deserve. He just can’t. And you smoked him out. He blew 2 chances with you. I’ve known, seen and heard of men like this, and they do not change. If this were me – I’d drop him like a hot potato. No contact. Circular Date. Heal. Get on with your life. I KNOW you’re going to meet a man who’s head over heels for you every day of your life – and you won’t ever feel insecure again. He doesn’t want to lose you, but he just did. Love, Rori



  76.  #76Rori Raye on February 26, 2010 at 10:41 am

    Welcome Isabelle, and so sorry for your pain…and it seems to me you’re on the right track here in walking away. When a man leaves – either he actually loves you and feels pushed away by your overfunctioning and clinginess, or he doesn’t really love you and have commitment in him – he just wants it easy, he wants it on his terms. The way he responded to your feelings is just the biggest clue to me. It’s reawlly, really important to be with a man who can cherish you and your feelings. That has to be the bottom line. Looks don’t matter. Money doesn’t matter – what matters is this feelilng of being ‘got” and that you can be yourself with him and feel treasured 100% of the time. Love, Rori



  77.  #77Orna Walters on February 26, 2010 at 8:51 pm

    Linda,

    Let me see if I can clarify…some people get stuck in their head, so my earlier post was to assist with determining a thought vs. a feeling. Let me know if you’re still confused and if so, what is confusing and I’ll do my best to clarify for you.

    Feelings are sacred, and that is why it is so important for all of us to honor them. Each person has their level of “privacy” however, be aware that true intimacy is created by sharing our feelings. In that regard it is vital to express our feelings in our intimate relationships.

    Its all about PRACTICE and being KIND to yourself in the process. It’s not about being “perfect” its about trying out new behavior and it may feel awkward to simply do something you haven’t done before – like when you learned to walk.

    Hang in there!

    BIG HUG,
    Orna



  78.  #78Orna Walters on February 26, 2010 at 8:54 pm

    Lucy,

    I loved that you used “bewondered” – LOVE IT! I’m thrilled that you trusted the process to discover your guy’s meaning of “silly.”

    Sounds like you enjoyed a nice time together.

    Big Hug,
    Orna



  79.  #79Tina on February 26, 2010 at 11:02 pm

    How could I accept myself, when I didnt even know I was rejecting myself. I “get” it now, hehe I’m such a slowpoke. I love my flickering lightbulb moments 🙂 I almost didnt go to the gym tonight, I said ” I love my feelings of procrastination” Im not sure if procrastination is a feeling ok so maybe my feelings of guilt if I didnt go to the gym. I did go within five minutes of feeling my feelings. I just started packing my gym shoes and out the door. Loving myself is a full time job 🙂

    I agree, my feelings are sacred



  80.  #80Nefer on March 1, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    Thank you, Rori. You hit the nail on the head, this niggling thought I’ve had lately… I smoked him out, I really did. When I stopped taking crumbs, and opened up Soft On The Outside, Strong On The Inside.. when our relationship was transforming… he was not. He was stalled, stuck in the same place and KNOWING that I would not accept less than his everything. I’m now an All Or Nothing kinda girl. Step Up or Step Out.

    God, it hurts. So much. I love him so much, and it feels so awful when you give your whole heart to someone – and he breaks it. But I’m a strong person, incredibly resilient, and your Tools have already lit the path I must follow now. I’ve never been much of a “dater” – the Old Me, anyway. The Crumb Queen. But I’ve been Dating Myself for months, having mini-encounters with strangers in the aisles, the cashiers at the gas stations, the cute guy at the cafe. Circular Dating is only a small step further, and I’m finally comfortable bucking the system we women have been taught, the system that says “good girls” don’t date around, “good girls” concentrate on one man at a time, and give it her all. This time, I will approach it differently. This time, it’s not two dinner dates with two “friends” and waiting to see what my (EX) does. This time, it’s REAL and it’s for ME. It’s FREE therapy, it’s healing and growing and practicing the Tools. I’m well on my way to becoming a Modern Siren, and he couldn’t keep up. NEXT!

    The problem is, I feel that my Ex will try to storm the gates. Maybe not this week or the next, but soon. As soon as I move on and begin dating others, as soon as my/his/our friends tell him what an idiot he was, and ask if they can ask me out now (a couple have!) Since I know he will try to come back, I know the hardest thing I’ve had to do thus far will be… nothing. No contact. He can’t have me, he blew it twice, and I don’t feel I can ever trust him again.

    I feel powerful now and I don’t want to feel weak when he confronts me head on. Because he WILL, and soon. And without you and this blog, Rori — I would still be the same as I was, doing things the same, taking the same crumbs I always took. Mr. Right is out there, looking for me, waiting for me. Time to give him a chance to find me.



  81.  #81Nefer on March 3, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    Rori, your Tools probably saved my life, and got me out of the bear trap – before it was too late. Thus, today, I’ve ordered another for my Toolbox, Targeting Mr. Right.

    Since the unexpected breakup, I discovered what I thought was the crux of the real issue – he’s a commitment-phobe. Well, that can be worked with, right? The Tools can turn a man around, make him feel safe and not pressured. But NOW information has come to me, by way of people who were “keeping quiet” and “minding their own business” for the past couple years. The crux of the crux is that he’s not only a commitment-phobe… he’s one for a reason. He doesn’t trust himself, and with just cause. He’s Toxic, and very, very good at hiding it… for awhile. Sometimes a very long while, especially when with a very good woman who doesn’t cheat or lie or play games. A woman he has grown to love very deeply. But eventually, it boils over. The woman he was with before me left him practically at the altar, after seven years together – and will not speak to him to this day. Now I find out that he HIT her quite often throughout their relationship, and verbally abused her, starting after the first couple years, when the lubricating effects of alcohol allowed his Nice Guy Mask to slip and reveal the Toxic Man underneath.

    And now I know the ugly truth in him saying brokenly as he left, “I just started getting that trapped and closed in feeling… I felt like I was going to lose it, lose control, explode… and end up hurting someone.” At the time, it didn’t register – he meant HURTING me, physically.

    He felt that old familiar rage continue building, the anger he stuffs down and hides SO well… and he knew it was only a matter of time before he once more lost a woman he loved, destroying her in the process. The Tools flushed him out – he wouldn’t, COULDN’T, step up… felt my Shifting, my Obsession disappearing. As I healed and grew and changed, I became a woman he KNEW would eventually leave him – no matter how much I loved him, because I started to love ME more! He DOES love me, that I believe. But it’s not the kind of love I want, need, and deserve. He’s not for me, he’s broken and I cannot fix him. I can only fix ME.

    Without YOU all, I’d have never known until it was too late – I’d have never gotten out, relatively unscathed and with a few sleepless nights to show for it. The Old Me would have cycled down with him, engulfed in this madness, and struggling to hold it all together because that’s what a “good woman” does, especially after investing so much time and her whole heart into her poor, troubled, wonderful, loving, misunderstood, addicted, TOXIC Man.

    I feel like I’ve somehow managed to outrun a freight train. o.o



  82.  #82Daria on March 3, 2010 at 9:36 pm

    Nefer – wow. wow. wow.



  83.  #83heartbeat on March 4, 2010 at 1:24 am

    Nefer – I take my hat off to you! Wow! xx



  84.  #84mackenzie on March 6, 2010 at 8:20 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I’ve been dating someone for 2 years and we haven’t fallen “in love” but we don’t seem to want to be with anyone else. I recently found out that he had been communicating with a married woman and I am suspicious that he is having his romantic needs met by that relationship although he describes it as he is her emotional support system in her bad marriage. But they flirt and tell each other they love each other. She considers him one of her best friends. I also own part of our lack of romance on me not having my heart unzippered- I don’t think I wanted to be in love until now. We’ve talked to each other very calmly and honestly about most of this and I credit him with never leading me on (telling me that he was in love with me to keep me around) and being totally honest except for omitting this (shocking to me) piece of information.

    After buying most of your programs and taking your advice, the power shift that you’ve spoken of has happened. He emails me once or twice a day, sends me gifts, and calls regularly. It’s truly, truly amazing. I haven’t asked him what he is doing with “her” because I no longer care. I’m now in the place where I’m figuring out what I want. I want to want him/be in love with him but I’m not there yet. And I still have work to do on myself to “open up”.

    Is it really possible for two people that love to be together but don’t have an emotional connection to find one after over 2 years together? It feels strange to be different. It feels like I can’t flirt with him the way I would a new person even though I want to (like there is an emotional barrier). Now that I’m dating other people it feels awkward to talk about our weekends and it feels like that then gets in the way of us getting closer – like it drives us further apart. It’s hard to go backwards in a relationship. Any advice on how to let the relationship get closer when you are obviously spending time with other men? I guess I just let him get mad about it and if he can win me over, he does and if he doesn’t, he doesn’t?? Is there really a chance that we can have romance where we can stand in the moonlight and I feel that he is deeply in love with me after we’ve not been that way for so long?

    A success story but still struggling….



  85.  #85Rori Raye on March 7, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    Mackenzie – good for you! And – yes – letting him get MAD is a GOOD thing! If you have Modern Siren – that’s your ticket…just practice the Tools 24/7 – and perhaps you’ll discover things starting to get close – or – perhaps you’ll discover a new man just gets in there to your heart fast and never leaves! Love, Rori



  86.  #86Daria on March 7, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    Makenzie – I really like your post and question and. Very insightful I can relate to a lot of it and I feel empowered by it. + Rori’s simple advice feels like a relief.



  87.  #87mackenzie on March 10, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    Thanks :-). You are amazing as everything you say in your tapes is what is happening. I love my new changes and I know it’s going to change my life in a big way. I’m telling my friends and it’s changing their lives too.

    I’m struggling though to get unzippered – finding it really hard. I’m doing this by trying to “feel” furniture, etc as you said. Are there other ways?



  88.  #88Jennie on June 26, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I need help deciding if I’m with the right guy. I love him dearly but sometimes he doesn’t treat me as a woman he loves deeply and appreciates – we are otherwise very very happy…and seem a perfect fit. Stats: Dating 2 yrs., I’m 37 he is 40, he and I broke up a couple of times as I wanted this to move towards marriage and he wasn’t ready. After a 2 month break he came back and told me I was the love of his life, he wanted to marry me and have a family with me. It’s been 5 months and no ring, though he does talk about the future often.
    After not seeing him for several days he came back from a guys weekend exhausted a bit stand off-ish (moody). I cooked us a wonderful Sunday dinner and he was appreicative but not over the top – as I had hoped of course. He was grumpier in the morning and after I left the following email exchange took place. Background – he has a pool at his house and I had two of my girlfriends over during the day. We cleaned up very well after ourselves as I always do – but as you’ll see in our exchange he likes to push this button with me that I haven’t been tidy enough. I am a VERY tidy person.

    Me: (speaking about a concert we were thinking of going to that night)
    That’s cool, if you can just let me know by 4 or 5 latest that would be ideal. I think it’d be fun…but could go either way. Also, if you’d rather go with Reth that’s fine too.
    Him:Will know soon.
    Boo, if you could please wash/load your dishes, pan, etc. from your eggs every day I’d appreciate it.
    Also, I’m glad your friends enjoyed the house, etc. but it would help me by taking out the wine bottles, etc. to recycling and cleaning up magazines, towels, cigarette butts, etc. That way there’s fewer piles of crap, etc. that I don’t have to take care of and clean up after everyone and my stress level doesn’t increase.
    Thanks for your help with this.
    Me: BOO – I pick up A LOT around your house. I cleaned your bathroom and your kitchen when you were gone. I picked up after my friends..sorry if I missed a few things along the way, that’s life. You need to get over whatever has crawled up your ass. xoxo
    Him:Nothing crawled up my ass. Forget about going tonight.
    Me:
    I don’t know why you’re treating me like such crap right now but I don’t appreciate it or deserve it.
    Him: All I asked is to clean up after yourself. You don’t have to get bitchy with me.
    Me: DO clean up after myself. It’s rude for you to point out every little infraction of mine. It demeans what I do right by you. It’s not fair. My feelings are very hurt.
    Him: I’m not going to go back and forth with you on this as I’m trying to do my work. I just asked you to help me out a bit and never said you didn’t clean up. Sorry if I hurt your feelings, but if I’m asking you to do something nicely you don’t need to insult me by saying something crawled up my ass.
    Me:
    I realize that you are trying to work, so am I. But you began this thread and i had something to say about it. You have a way sometimes of hitting me with something veiled in a very passive aggressive manner which makes it so easy for you to hide behind when I get upset. Its not fair, and its no way to communicate to someone you love. Why even go there? After all I do to show you how much I love and care and respect you, why not just let it go. Did I really make your day that much tougher on you?? It seems more to me that you were most likely just looking for someone to pick on. After showing you my vulnerability this morning and knowing that I was feeling a bit insecure ..you still felt compelled to let me know I’ve let you down. I want to feel you love me, even when its not easy to.
    Him:t seems like everything I say to you is “passive aggressive.” I don’t think I can be more exact than “please throw away your nasty ass cigarette butts.”
    That’s pretty much it. If I’m asking you to throw away an empty bottle of wine there’s really no need to psychoanalyze.
    Me: t was just plain mean and bitchy. What’s passive aggressive is you acting like there was zero attitude involved.
    Take out the passive aggressive all together…you should reread everything below that comment. Can you not see how your email might hurt to receive.
    It would feel so good to hear words of love and appreciation more, certainly more than I hear of where I’ve gone wrong.

    We haven’t talked since, and that was yesterday at 4pm.
    I should note here – I was feeling pretty sad the night before and in the morning when he was so distant. I said a speech to him when he walked me out to my car about being an emotional creature and that he would feel so much better if he would support me during those times when I’m feeling distant and needing his love.
    What hurt was that he new I was feeling insecure and sad and he chose to call me out on leaving a few things behind (which by the way was so petty b/c everything was left fine).
    What would you do if you were me??

    J-



  89.  #89Rori Raye on June 26, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    Jennie – You’re not going to like this, so read with caution: Why are you talking to him in such a disrespectful way?

    As far as I can see – he spoke to you in a lovely, thoughtful way – and you pounced on him: “Me: BOO – I pick up A LOT around your house. I cleaned your bathroom and your kitchen when you were gone. I picked up after my friends..sorry if I missed a few things along the way, that’s life. You need to get over whatever has crawled up your ass. xoxo”

    This is called being defensive and attacking – and it’s what YOU’RE doing. You’re talking about HIM, making him wrong, doing everything roughly the reverse of all my tools. I’m SO glad you came to this blog – and I don’t mean to scold you – I just want you to know that I care about you – and I know that if you simply get my ebook and WORK with it non-stop – ALL of this stuff will evaporate! It will just go away!

    When you learn to communicate and be in a different way – “The 4 Rules” in the ebook will turn things around instantly for you! – it will all be different.

    We’re all here to help you…just keep talking, let the amazing women here help you learn how to use Feeling Messages and stop this dynamic that’s killing your relationship.

    Yes – I understand that he’s critical, and picking fights, and all of that stuff. Your ONLY answer to ANYTHING he points out is: “Thank you for pointing that out, I’m happy to do that for you….”

    That response is simple, basic Assertiveness Training that’s been around for years and years – and if you try this – I know you’re going to be shocked at how quickly things turn around for you.

    Love, Rori



  90.  #90Jennie on June 27, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    Hi Rori,
    Thank you for your response. I have been a long time believer in your teachings but sometimes my frustration with him (and in this case also a lot of PMS) got in my way.
    I know I’m just frustrated that he’s not more romantic and giving of appreciation – though they do happen sometimes – but can easily tell me where I’ve let him down.
    I promise you I am a great girlfriend – and he knows that. But sometimes he can get very moody as he was that morning. When I asked him what was wrong he of course told me nothing. I gave him your “emotional creature” speech when he walked me to my car that morning and got nothing back but a few head nods. I was going to go home and shake it off and told myself he was having a bad day. And then I got that email – and I know him well…he was definitely pushing my buttons, even if there was a “Boo” preceding his request.
    I feel so frustrated – I don’t want to lose him. But I dont’ know how to navigate the times when he feels like pushing my buttons and/or when I’m not feeling loved enough. Consequently…I dont feel near the level of frustration and/or neediness on non-PMS days – its the worst!

    And now – 2 days and we haven’t spoken (we’re both away on business trips incidentally).

    Thanks,
    Jennie



  91.  #91Indigo on December 8, 2012 at 9:18 am

    Rori,

    This advice is amazing. Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing it, from the bottom of my heart!