How A Man Can Change So You Can Fall For HIM!

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redgauzeheartsChristina was my client years ago – and she’s come from such a painful place and into such a brilliantly happy one – I asked HER for advice on how to fall in love with a “Good Guy” when you’re not attracted to him (especially if you’ve known him for awhile):

“Hi Rori,

You wanted to know how I changed Don … so here goes:

I had decided to give Don a fighting chance since we’d dated a couple of years back, and while he was a really great and fun guy, I just wasn’t that attracted to him physically.  I was used to the hotter looking guys, who weren’t good to me or for me, but that’s another story …

I entered into an exclusive relationship with Don a little over a year ago, after having to rethink what ‘my type’ was (with help from you, and also from Evan Marc Katz).

Don was kind, considerate, funny, nice … all the good guy things – but he was overweight, had horrible clothes, and an annoying constant allergic “sniff,” and this bothered me.

It didn’t seem fair but I told him flat out I couldn’t see a future with a guy who didn’t dress well, take care of his weight and stop sniffing!  I also told him I thought he was a really lovely man and it wasn’t about him, it was about me, and what I wanted. I’m fussy and picky about clothes, food etc. and wanted someone who felt the same way.

In two months he’d lost 25 lbs, given most of his old wardrobe to the Salvation Army, invited me to go clothes shopping with him and took honey and cinnamon to get rid of an allergy which was causing the sniffing.  Hey presto!

I now find him the most sexy man I ever was with, not just because of how he looks but how good he is to me and how he makes me feel.  He is constantly complimented by everyone on how much better he looks and he said he needed (and wanted) to make those changes, he just needed a push and motivation.  He almost believes it was his idea!   His ex wife was furious when she saw him 6 months ago, and complained he would never make those changes for her!!

I am the great example of giving time to a great guy and allowing myself to become super attracted to him… to start with I would have said he was a 3 on a scale of 0-10.  Now he’s a 9.5 🙂

Hope this helps!  And helps others 🙂

Love, Christina xo”

From Rori: Christina’s story is the real deal. I’ve known her through ALL of this – and if SHE can do it – so can YOU!

Love, Rori

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144 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on February 20, 2014 at 6:32 am

    🙂



  2.  #2Femininewoman on February 20, 2014 at 6:42 am

    Rori Raye says:

    Lexie! – Simple – you NEVER, EVER text him, unless you are RESPONDING to a text HE sent. Period. I don’t even text my husband unless I’m answering him. If you’re looking for rules…use this one. You RESPOND. AND you respond in a VERY specific way…you use Feeling Messages and Poetry, and share something from what you’re experiencing around you…if you’d like help – try one of my Certified Coaches – they’re great at Scripting and Texting. Love, Rori

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/breakup-divorce/harsh-love-advice-when-it-goes-downhill-love-yourself-circular-date-and-learn-to-talk-to-a-man-instead-of-fight-with-him/#respond



  3.  #3Shannon on February 20, 2014 at 7:24 am

    It feels so wonderful to read success stories!

    I was in tears today because I feel so stuck here and I want out so badly.

    This really helps.



  4.  #4Turquoise on February 20, 2014 at 7:36 am

    Good to read. We can inspire men to be better, but not try to change them. I like it.



  5.  #5Turquoise on February 20, 2014 at 8:16 am

    Shannon, it will be ok. I believe that.



  6.  #6kyla on February 20, 2014 at 9:07 am

    Ooh I like this post, it feels good to read it…

    I am feeling very triggered about feeling very triggered by DrWho still. I feel frustrated and exasperated with myself for feeling triggered and that is triggering me even more. I don’t know why he is still in my head when there are so many wonderful men around me filling me with love, attention, affection and support. I feel confused with what’s wrong with me. I feel stuck. I want to drop him from my thoughts. It feels icky thinking about him. I want to let go. How would it feel if I could let go. Hmmm for a second I can feel ease and freedom and I like that. Easy breathing, one breathe flowing out and another flowing in with perfect ease.

    I feel pressure in my head when I think of him, I don’t want to think of him, I don’t want to allow myself to be obsessed with an invisible man. Why now, why this man? Does that even matter? I feel ahhhhhhhhhh, I feel screams of frustration rising from my chest and in to my throat. I feel sad like I’m failing in such a basic, siren 101 way.

    I feel helpless and low.



  7.  #7kyla on February 20, 2014 at 9:16 am

    I want to rage all over my triggers and I want to love them for showing me there is something here to heal and I want to shake my triggers until they tell me what the lesson is so I can be done with it and I want to cradle and rock and cuddle my triggers and soothe them and wrap them in balm and whisper I love you to them.. and I want to release them and let them fly away like birds let out of a cage..



  8.  #8kyla on February 20, 2014 at 11:04 am

    Trying this again and feeling better to have such a good feeling distraction

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/get-your-subconscious-onboard-with-your-desire-for-love/



  9.  #9Shannon on February 20, 2014 at 11:06 am

    kyla, I am feeling low, too. Let’s get together and have a hug and cry and chocolate fest??



  10.  #10Turquoise on February 20, 2014 at 11:12 am

    Sigh….. I miss piano man. I really like him.



  11.  #11kyla on February 20, 2014 at 11:27 am

    Shannon, I’m in 🙂



  12.  #12Daria on February 20, 2014 at 11:28 am

    yaaaaayyyyy!!!

    oh by the waay girls… im in LOVE

    with a man who treats me so consistently good…….



  13.  #13Cris on February 20, 2014 at 11:44 am

    Amazing!
    I am feeling completely unable to produce feeling msgs (and I doubt if it is a proper feeling msg even)
    I am starting to be obsessed and sad for not being able to introduce poetry in my talking… I prefer not to talk!

    🙁



  14.  #14Liquid Light on February 20, 2014 at 11:48 am

    woohooo Daria!!! 🙂



  15.  #15Liquid Light on February 20, 2014 at 11:51 am

    Turquoise, be patient, he’ll be back. And when he does come back, be that invitation. If you reach out to him again it will devalue your worth in his eyes so be patient and let him come to you. Just my 2 cents.



  16.  #16Shannon on February 20, 2014 at 11:54 am

    Alright, kyla. I’ve got root beer and reece cups. You?



  17.  #17Shannon on February 20, 2014 at 11:57 am

    Daria, I feel very happy to hear that! Congrats to you!

    Cris, I feel the same way. It feels like a struggle, and despite being a writer, to use ‘poetry’.



  18.  #18Daria on February 20, 2014 at 11:58 am

    Liquid Light – heeeeeeeeeeeeeee

    i feel excited being loved so good by this totally man man

    with a temper with stuff to take care of who yet is able to treat me with so much giving and respect and loveys



  19.  #19Helena Hart on February 20, 2014 at 11:59 am

    Cris – 12 – I used to feel exactly the same way, feeling messages were difficult for me at first. Even saying, “I feel happy today” was SO hard for me to get out, it was like learning a new language! If there’s something specific you’re having trouble translating into feeling messages, perhaps we can all help with some scripting. Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone and I’m here if you need any help with coming up with or tweaking feeling messages. 🙂

    Love, Helena



  20.  #20Veronica on February 20, 2014 at 12:07 pm

    Woohoo Daria!



  21.  #21Veronica on February 20, 2014 at 12:08 pm

    (((Shannon)))



  22.  #22Turquoise on February 20, 2014 at 12:09 pm

    That’s wonderful Daria!!! Really happy for you!!!



  23.  #23Turquoise on February 20, 2014 at 12:13 pm

    I know Liquid Light… I feel like at least I have my dignity. The last time I heard from him was Monday morning and it was a warm reply….. Maybe he’s wondering why I’m not reaching out too.



  24.  #24Cris on February 20, 2014 at 12:20 pm

    Thanks Shannon and Helena!! I’ll be patient
    and look for some inspiration. Talking about “I feel” sounds weird in the spanish which is talked in the old Spain in the old Europe… 🙂



  25.  #25Cris on February 20, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    I don’t know Turquoise,but if he was the last who contacted… why not replying him back?



  26.  #26LoveAlways on February 20, 2014 at 12:51 pm

    <3 DARIA <3

    That is wonderful!!! I feel so happy for you!!!



  27.  #27Turquoise on February 20, 2014 at 1:21 pm

    Cris….

    I had texted him and he replied, and then I replied to his response. That was way early Monday morning. Before that, we texted everyday, multiple times. He never had a problem reaching out before. This is typical for me…. was going really well, talked about vacations and meeting kids, etc. and then he just pulls back. Same situation, different guy. Plus he’s only 33 and I’m 40…. he said it doesn’t matter, age is just a number. But in my experience, they pull back, after 5-7 days I say something and either get silence or a crappy reply about how busy they are with work, and then that’s it. They usually pop back up down the road…. but I still haven’t really had that work out well.

    Have any of you had a guy pull back, and then it be good and work out?



  28.  #28Valarie O'Ryan on February 20, 2014 at 2:06 pm

    Turquoise, if this is happening over & over for you, it might be that you’re doing what most women do (I sure did!) – and that’s simply putting your energy on him.

    I used to get SO excited about a new guy & despite trying to “pull myself back,” I’d get swept up in the “hope” of him being the ONE.

    It’s so, so common & natural.

    Even when I thought I was leaning back, my energy was leaning forward & I’m sure it had the effect of pushing him away.

    Circular dating, filling your life up & just feeling “complete” already without a man is what really helped for me.

    It sounds like you’re doing a lot of that already. And I know, not getting all “hopeful” is hard! Just keep reminding yourself that YOU’RE THE PRIZE & he should be the one “hoping”! 🙂



  29.  #29Amazed on February 20, 2014 at 2:16 pm

    A guy I was with once pulled back when his brother was visiting for 3 wks. Confused the heck out of me and I leaned forward and texted then felt bad when I did. He did respond with a curt message..I am in the USA. Ugh..made me feel terrible. He texted hi 3 wks later and said his brother was gone home. In the meanwhile I moved on and was seeing another guy. Long story short…I did end up seeing him again and things were great again. But more like friends with benefits and now he fell off the radar again because he’s having a hard time at work. Anyway…there is a possibility he will text you…if it is meant to be it will happen. The excuse my guy gave me was he was having a hard time and didn’t want to get me involved. I don’t like the lack of communication again since he knows how I feel about that but whatever, circular dating myself and other guys helps big time.



  30.  #30Dominique on February 20, 2014 at 2:17 pm

    Cris – I feel feels weird said in English too until you accustomed which can take time. It feels even more weird in French and is even grammatically incorrect in some cases. So you pick and choose when to use them if you wish. Using feeling messages is primarily for you to get in touch with you, to discover how you feel, and from this, others feel more comfortable around you, closer, safe because you’re being real, because there ist a disconnect between why is felt from you and what you are saying.

    I f you want or need help, please feel free to ask.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  31.  #31Amazed on February 20, 2014 at 2:33 pm

    Just realizing something after reading these posts that was a lightbulb moment for me. I was feeling triggered by another man..one who in love with me..by comments he would say and how he would react. I didn’t tell him how I felt because I felt he would react badly as my ex used to and the comments triggered bad feelings that reminded me of being with my ex. L is now kind of back in the picture even though I had broken up with him because of these bad feelings. I also had a lot of other stressors in my life and I couldn’t handle those feelings. He texted me day after Valentines saying he couldn’t stop thinking about me. I feel like giving him another chance and see if I can work through those feelings that he was triggering since obviously I still need healing. Should I tell him how I feel and why I feel that way and ask his help? I don’t really want to bring my ex up with him but I guess it’s better than not letting him have another chance?



  32.  #32Cris on February 20, 2014 at 2:50 pm

    so kind Dominique… thank you

    (((Turquoise)))



  33.  #33Amber on February 20, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    Turquoise-122 from last thread
    “If the worst part of my day is a man not contacting me, it’s a good day” Not sure I got that word for word but THANK YOU for posting it. I often need this reminder. Re: 26, which ties in, also, YES- I have a guy who pulls back, then reappears ALL THE TIME. (T) is an AMAZING man, and I love him, and he loves me, but sometimes he goes incommunucado for DAYS. You know when I started feeling better about this? Seriously? It was when I realized that I ATTRACT rubber-band men. Okay, universe, I hear you. WHY is EVERY man I attract this way? Then I realized that it’s because I have abandonment issues. The basis for this trigger is from very early childhood, but I manifested in ALL of my relationships with men. I have (mostly) healed that part of me and now, when I don’t hear from (T) (or any other guy, before we became exclusive) I assume he has his own thing going on and when he is ready, he will come back. In the meantime I fill myself up, slather on love and I DON’T WAIT for the phone call/text. I just LIVE. Every time I start to analyze and/or ‘wonder’ what is up I just picture my water wheel with all of his love coming towards me, and then I go fill up my day. The crazy-cool thing about this is that since I’ve accepted that a lack of contact with a man does NOT equal abandonment, he rarely stays gone for more than a day or two. It used to be up to a week or ten days. I remind myself that I have not abandoned me, and I am all I NEED. Usually just shifting my focus draws him back. I also combined this with reinforcing what I like in our relationship. For example, If my boy energy just CAN’T stop thinking/analyzing/strategizing I might ‘lean in’ with a text, but I have to be sure that I do it with NO expectations of getting a reply. The best way for me to pull this off is to send a ‘thank you.’ I can’t really EXPECT anything from a thank you except, maybe, ‘you’re welcome,’ right? So I might send a text that says, “Thank you so much for the incredible conversation a few nights ago. I felt very special.” For me this does two things: 1. My boy got to DO something and 2. My girl got to say ‘thank you’ for an act she appreciated. I almost always feel better and if I immediately go do something FOR ME after I send it, I usually forget about it and am pleasantly SURPRISED when he does finally respond. I hope this helps. Much love,
    Amber



  34.  #34Amber on February 20, 2014 at 3:17 pm

    Millie-130 from the last thread
    “Sometimes I feel like I have split personalities….the weak, lonely child reaching out, and the strong, woman that can do anything she sets her mind to and achieves.”

    This made me think of the CD from Rori’s relationship series where Christine Arylo talks about self-esteem vs. self-love. Self-esteem is the knowledge that we, as amazing women, can ACHIEVE anything and everything. Many high powered, successful women have very high self-esteem, but that is not the same as having self-love. Self-love is knowing that we are ENOUGH just for existing, even if we don’t DO anything. We must have unconditional self-love before anyone else can have unconditional love for us. Much love to you,
    Amber



  35.  #35Dominique on February 20, 2014 at 3:30 pm

    Amber- it’s perfectly okay to let him know you feel sensitive around certain things because of your past and your ex. There is no need to go into detail aside from what the trigger is. And when he is made aware of your trigger, you only need tell him the trigger is coming up for you.

    xxoo



  36.  #36Dominique on February 20, 2014 at 3:33 pm

    Amber – 32 – yay you, awesome!!!

    xxoo



  37.  #37Amber on February 20, 2014 at 3:36 pm

    Hi Dominique-34
    I don’t thing this was meant for me, maybe Amazed?



  38.  #38Amazed on February 20, 2014 at 3:45 pm

    Thanks Dominique, I feel excited to see where this may lead this time. It’s been over 2 months since I basically wouldn’t give him the time of day and he is still in front of me.



  39.  #39Dominique on February 20, 2014 at 3:59 pm

    Sorry (blush) I’m on my phone which I’m not at all accustomed.

    xxoo



  40.  #40prplpsn28 on February 20, 2014 at 4:07 pm

    🙂



  41.  #41Amazed on February 20, 2014 at 4:22 pm

    It’s so nice to let go again and have girl energy 🙂



  42.  #42Zia on February 20, 2014 at 4:35 pm

    Love this post! Just popped on to share my exciting news that I have a boyfriend (!). Yay! 🙂



  43.  #43Zia on February 20, 2014 at 4:49 pm

    I do feel like I’ve been leaning forward ever so slightly this week, pretty much as soon as I realised I do like this guy. This is my first relationship since doing all this work, and so it’s all new territory. Just keep doing what I was doing when dating, right? 🙂



  44.  #44Amazed on February 20, 2014 at 4:54 pm

    Yay Zia! I know what you mean about the relationship thing…it’s hard to keep leaning back but I think once in awhile leaning forward won’t hurt. Especially if he’s the right man. 🙂



  45.  #45Zia on February 20, 2014 at 5:08 pm

    Amazed – I guess at least this time I’m very conscious of it, I have a child so I don’t feel too concerned about leaning forward to invite him over (since I can’t always go out and I want him to know he’s welcome to come to mine), but leaving the “going out” stuff for him to come up with/plan. I used to be a big over function-er and used to come up with all the dating ideas and plans in the past. This guy however from day dot has been the one to do all the asking out so he makes it easy for me to lean back mostly. I just read above what Rori said about not texting or initiating that way so I might dial that back a little (not that I’m doing that excessively either!)

    I like to work on the 80/20 rule – 80% him initiating and 20% me. But focus more on responding, and I also make sure I let him know I appreciate him and his efforts do make me happy.

    The good thing in all this is that I really do notice all the nice things he does for me. And especially if they’re things that he has come up with but I might not necessarily have done, I appreciate that HE wanted to do something nice for ME, rather than in the past i might have been miffed that a guy didn’t do what *I* wanted to do.

    So we’ll see where this goes. I am going to view it as a learning experience, and not get too stressed out about it. It’s a chance to do things differently and if it goes somewhere then yay, and if not at least I would have had some practise 🙂



  46.  #46Amazed on February 20, 2014 at 5:18 pm

    Hmm..I like the 80/20 rule.. 🙂 I tend to want to initiate contact at times and have been admonished in the past for never initially contacting..lol



  47.  #47Helena Hart on February 20, 2014 at 5:29 pm

    Zia – 42 – The fact that you can “catch” yourself now when you’re leaning forward is awesome! It’s much easier to lean back once you have this awareness.

    I love what you said here: “The good thing in all this is that I really do notice all the nice things he does for me. And especially if they’re things that he has come up with but I might not necessarily have done, I appreciate that HE wanted to do something nice for ME, rather than in the past i might have been miffed that a guy didn’t do what *I* wanted to do.”

    That’s great!! It’s easy to miss all the wonderful things a man DOES do for us when we’re too focused on what we WANT him to do, or what we WISH he was doing.

    Love, Helena



  48.  #48Zia on February 20, 2014 at 5:57 pm

    The other thing that I’ve noticed that is relevant to this post, is that I’m quite fit and tend to exercise a lot. And he has started exercising a bit too now. He’s not overweight or anything like that, but he has said that I’m inspiring 🙂



  49.  #49Tereana on February 20, 2014 at 6:22 pm

    Cris – I know Dominique & some others had good things to say, but if you are having trouble saying feeling messages, maybe a good place to start is to just practice feeling feelings. That is, take the pressure off saying it and concentrate on feeling whatever you’re feeling. Noticing it.

    I know this is where I had to start, because I had been so disconnected from all my feelings my whole life I didn’t know WHAT the heck I was feeling.

    It’s like a 4-step process:

    1. Feel the feeling (just notice it in your body)
    2. See if you can name it (even if you have to make up a name)
    3. Tell yourself how you are feeling (like, “wow, I feel really upset that person cut me off in traffic just now. I feel annoyed.)
    4. When you get comfortable with 1-3, you might find it easier to express a feeling message to another person. You can start with friends and even strangers, then with men.

    After a while, it will start to feel more normal : )

    I’m not going to sit here and tell you I do it all perfect all the time. I still get in my head and say thinky things. But I definitely tend more toward feeling messages now, I think. And, more importantly, I’ve learned now to feel my feelings without running away. Relationship or not, that is worth EVERYTHING.

    Xo



  50.  #50Amazed on February 20, 2014 at 6:34 pm

    I agree Tereana..it did feel like a foreign language at first. However even my daughter listens to me when I tell her how I feel… She’s 12 and I usually feel frustrated. Lol



  51.  #51Liquid Light on February 20, 2014 at 6:41 pm

    OMG, I’m going to two singles events this weekend. Just signed up for another one on Sat. I still have to figure out what I’m going to wear but I am so excited to plan my outfits and wear something cute! I think I’m more excited about my outfits than I am about meeting someone…hahahahaha!!!

    adorable young hotness got back to me on FB…OMG, he is the cutest thing ever…we haven’t made plans but seems like its moving in that direction!



  52.  #52Turquoise on February 20, 2014 at 7:37 pm

    Valerie, I definitely put my energy on him. He said some really nice things to me… Wanted to make plans. I got caught up in that. Do you have any strategies to help avoid that?

    Amber, I definitely could have see abandonment issues. My ex husband left me I a really terrible way… I went to therapy and do feel I’ve healed from that. But I’m not sure I can really trust anyone long term. My most recent ex just told me he’s gay…. Feeling pretty vulnerable.

    I have a pretty full weekend planned and sort of reluctantly began talking to someone new online, but he’s been nice and pleasant… I’m actually starting to enjoy emailing with him and am practicing my leaning back.

    I’ll say it again… If the worst part of my day is not hearing from one guy…. I’m lucky! Counting my blessings! Love to you all!



  53.  #53Cris on February 20, 2014 at 10:09 pm

    @Tereana, so grateful for your tips, it’s good to practise with other people before my man. It is a long but thrilling journey, isn’t it?

    @Zia, I love what you said… so nice and wonderful that you have this opportunity to practice and feel good while doing it!!!!

    xoxoxox



  54.  #54Zara on February 21, 2014 at 2:36 am

    180 Saida

    Written by Rori Raye
    You Can Circular Date – But He CAN’T

    ______________________________

    Here’s a question from Ankita – and my answer is all about how powerful your ATTITUDE is. How you can’t – NO ONE can be “cool” in a “loosey-goosey,” uncommitted (we’re talking serious marriage-level commitment) “relationship.”

    A relationship without serious LIFELONG commitment is just DATING. Really, that’s all it is. It may be wonderful, and it may be what you want, and it might even work for you just fine – but it still is just DATING!

    «Hello Rori & Sirens

    I want li’l help with my confusion on a concept of circular dating/commitment… Unless I clear my confusion, I may not be able to do CD properly…

    I happen to read in one of Rori’s eLetters, where she said, “Tell your man you love him and that you can’t be exclusive right now, write a speech to the man you’re with saying that “he’s entitled to take all the time he needs to decide about committing to a lifelong relationship with you, and that you feel awful waiting around, it’s making you feel insecure and frustrated and you don’t want to feel that way, and that other men are starting to ask you out and you want to feel free to explore your options until he makes a decision.”

    Then as he attacks us, we say, “Well, I don’t want you to date other women, I want you all to myself. And it doesn’t feel good to me to let you have me all to yourself until you’re ready to commit. I won’t be able to handle your dating other women.”

    I am getting confused at is it marriage I should want or is it he I should want? Or both? And if I’m CDing, why should I stop him from dating others? I guess, the answer is coz am ready to commit to him and he isn’t.

    I find the below two sentences very confusing:-
    1-> other men are starting to ask me out and I want to feel free to explore my options until you make a decision.

    2-> I don’t want you to date other women, I want you all to myself. And it doesn’t feel good to me to let you have me all to yourself until you’re ready to commit. I won’t be able to handle your dating other women.

    Please clear my confusion. I feel so confused..!! Ankita»

    Here’s my answer:

    Ankita -I know you’ll get help from everyone on the blog around this – but simply – you want your Happy Ever After.

    The commitment of marriage is only one option, but the strongest and the one you most likely would find the most satisfying. This is what you want. You do NOT just want HIM!!!

    If he’s not the one who wants more than anything to share your Happy Ever After, then he’s not what you want.

    Except in the first 3-4 (okay – I’ll stretch it to 6 in some cases…) months of dating someone, if he needs to date other women and doesn’t yet have marriage on the table…that’s HIS choice – but I’d feel pretty certain by then that he’s not zeroing in on you.

    And men zero in quickly – they just may not be ready to COMMIT!

    They like the “girlfriend” thing – who wouldn’t! Sort of “girl on call.”

    Getting the commitment is a leap of faith a man has to be capable of.

    The commitment has to come before he’s SURE in all respects. This is what you want in a man. Anything short of this just isn’t enough.

    The second speech happens if he “attacks” by saying – Well, if you date other men, then he’ll date other women…and it doesn’t work that way.

    Here’s your attitude: You’re only dating other men because he’s not ready to commit. Otherwise, you’d be committed to him.

    And – if he’s not ready, you feel unclear and uncertain if he ever will be, and so you’re merely giving him the space he needs as long as he needs it and taking care of yourself in the meantime.

    You would feel crazy and insecure if you “waited” for him and remained exclusive to him – you wouldn’t be able to keep it together emotionally, and you don’t want to feel insecure and always wondering how he feels.

    You want to feel calm and peaceful, and you want to feel loved.

    You want to trust you are loved.

    And commitment is what makes that possible.

    You don’t want to push him or the relationship, and so you’re taking care of yourself.

    Sometimes you feel confused and queasy and weird and at sea and not sure what to do.

    Can he help? What does he think you should do under the circumstances? As your friend and lover, what would he recommend as the best way for you to take care of yourself until he’s ready?

    ______________________________

    xxx



  55.  #55Epiphyllum on February 21, 2014 at 3:57 am

    Zara, thanks for the postings on Circular dating. Awesome! I have learnt a lot from them! XX



  56.  #56Epiphyllum on February 21, 2014 at 4:19 am

    Zara, I meant your postings on Rori’s Feeling messages and circular dating. That’s excellent! Thanks for your great sharing!



  57.  #57Lisa on February 21, 2014 at 7:32 am

    I just can’t believe what is happening to me… and I try not to wait on the other shoe to drop…

    I’m working on accepting what has come into my life… and take it day by day….

    I’m so amazed every time “J” calls me which is most every night… and we talk and talk and talk neither of us can believe this…

    I really want to believe this is real…. it is happening to me… and it can continue… so far, I’m doing well…. soaking it up ….

    and I’m pleasantly amazed at how I’m not even putting any thought into… commitment right now….. and it feels so good

    and he is postponing his trip just so he can spend time with me this weekend…. 🙂 I didn’t ask him, nor did I even consider it, I just told him I was happy he was taking the trip…. and then he decided he wanted to spend time with me…

    I’m loving every single minute of this…

    OXOXO



  58.  #58Millie on February 21, 2014 at 7:38 am

    Amber…thank you for that
    I have read that too. It is definitely some food for thought. To love yourself when you’ve accomplished nothing….true sirendom. 🙂



  59.  #59Femininewoman on February 21, 2014 at 7:43 am

    Wow Lisa.

    Be surprise!! eh 🙂



  60.  #60Valarie O'Ryan on February 21, 2014 at 8:00 am

    Turquoise, you’re actually off to a really good start already – having a full weekend planned & opening up to other men – that’s huge! I wasn’t really great at doing that at first, I tended to “hole myself up.”

    What really turned it around for me was looking at every man as JUST A DATE. No matter how much I liked him or how good it felt to be with him, every date was just a date & I did NOT allow myself to jump any further ahead.

    If you can look at every man who comes into your life as a potential for FUN & absolutely nothing more, it takes the pressure WAY off. I actually started to look forward to all dates, even ones with the kind of “meh” guys. I set an intention before each date, “Tonight I just want a really good meal,” “Today would feel fun to have a playful conversation & a great kiss.”

    And it worked! I almost always got what I set the intention for just for that particular date. I also made sure I didn’t jump ahead in my mind to the next date until it was already planned. For me, switching my energy from “I hope he’s the one” to “I hope I have some fun” did the trick.

    It changes your vibe & the energy around dating.

    Love, ~Valarie



  61.  #61Lisa on February 21, 2014 at 8:06 am

    @FeminineWoman Yes! I will work on BE surprise.. Thanks!!! <3 <3

    OXOXO



  62.  #62Kyla on February 21, 2014 at 9:10 am

    Valarie – I know your posts were directed at Turquoise but they felt like exactly what I needed to hear right now. Thank you!



  63.  #63Liquid Light on February 21, 2014 at 9:37 am

    Lisa, that all sounds wonderful! I am so happy for you, girl!!! Woohoooo!!!!!



  64.  #64Valarie O'Ryan on February 21, 2014 at 9:42 am

    Oh Kyla, that brought a big smile to face 🙂



  65.  #65Liquid Light on February 21, 2014 at 10:09 am

    OK, ladies, what should I wear to happy hour?

    Orange mini-skirt with orange sweater with robin’s egg blue trim and beige heels.

    Or

    Long sleeve graphic T with trumpet sleeves, dark blue jeggings and brown knee-high high heeled boots.

    (I might feel a bit self-conscious in the mini-skirt, though, I dunno)



  66.  #66Veronica on February 21, 2014 at 10:45 am

    I agree, Wow Lisa.



  67.  #67Veronica on February 21, 2014 at 10:48 am

    LL – 64 – I would want you to feel comfortable so that you can relax and just enjoy whatever happens, but then I also think how gorgeous it would be being slightly shy in a hot outfit. Sorry, I’m not helping.



  68.  #68Turquoise on February 21, 2014 at 11:22 am

    THank you Veronica. I’m always surprised, that after everything I’ve been through…. I still expect things to work out and get so excited about the possibilities. I guess it’s because I’m an optimist….. but I feel like I should have learned some lessons by now. He just seemed so perfect for me, like I could have hand picked him out of a catalog, the timing so perfect for what I needed…. and I started it saying it’s just a date, he’s only 33… and then the more we talked and had so much fun together, the more hopeful and what if this is actually the one, started to creep up on me! I feel kinda hopeless… like I’ll never get it, because I know all these things, but it doesn’t change how I feel in the moment.

    The other part of this…. we know several of the same people… we live maybe 2 miles apart. I don’t want it to feel awkward if I run into him. I thought dating someone that lived so close would feel wonderful. I didn’t think much of the consequence if it didn’t work out. I still would have gone out with him though… I’m always the optimist.

    Now what do I do about Facebook? He requested me and I accepted. He’s never really on there except to play games. Do I unfriend him? That seems cold. UGH!



  69.  #69LoveAlways on February 21, 2014 at 11:46 am

    I have had such a wonderful day, just feeling and following through on my wants and don’t wants. Going out later with a girlfriend for a girl’s night and I’m really looking forward to it! Feeling feels good 🙂



  70.  #70LoveAlways on February 21, 2014 at 12:47 pm

    Liquid Light

    Long sleeve graphic T with trumpet sleeves, dark blue leggings and brown knee-high high heeled boots.



  71.  #71Femininewoman on February 21, 2014 at 12:48 pm

    Turquoise why do you believe that you always have to “do” something? How long has it been since you have met this guy?

    FB settings can be changed to acquaintances. Regardless of how you look at it, this guy is really a stranger.



  72.  #72Femininewoman on February 21, 2014 at 1:25 pm

    LL I love both outfits. I am kinda biased though towards orange, especially burnt orange. I think it kinds of pops.

    Have you ever considered Rori’s suggestions about lavender, baby blues and pinks? Soft feminine colors. This is just a question I am asking out of curiosity.



  73.  #73Liquid Light on February 21, 2014 at 2:00 pm

    yeah, the orange def pops esp with the blue trim but I may save that outfit for another time

    I do wear some of those colors too, my wardrobe spans the entire rainbow, and I enjoy the variety!



  74.  #74Tereana on February 21, 2014 at 8:10 pm

    Amazed – lol

    Cris – yay! I guess that’s why we’re here…

    Except now I feel like a failure. Sort of.

    I had a really intense ‘dissociation’ episode. I felt all of my abandonment. That is, not fears of it, I just felt ABANDONED, utterly and completely. I don’t even believe I was in my body. I was crying and I felt alone and as if I couldn’t even make a decision. Then I felt like I wanted to hurt myself, but only because I was sure that I wouldn’t feel any pain if I did. I was that numb.

    When I was in the car with my father, I was having my experience if pain confusion, fear. Doing what I could to regain a sense of control over my surroundings. He flipped out. He called me “evil.” He screamed at me.

    It was so scary.

    My father is so scary.

    I got out of the car.

    I wanted to walk home in the rain

    He followed me

    It was far

    It was cold

    I took a ride home

    Then I took a bath

    I cried more

    I told myself I love myself

    But I still feel numb

    I feel sick to my stomach

    I tried eating

    Now I am trying to sleep.

    I hate this feeling of no-feeling

    I thought I came back, but I must be away still

    I was so scared….



  75.  #75Zara on February 21, 2014 at 8:11 pm

    Written by Rori Raye
    What To Do In The Face Of NO

    _________________________

    A man cancels on you.

    Could be:

    He hasn’t called even though he said he would or you hoped he would, or he makes a date and then doesn’t call to confirm or show up, or he cancels a Saturday night date, or you’ve been planning to meet for months, and he keeps getting held up by work, or his children, or, in the case of Linda G – illness

    Mercedes gave advice that was EXACTLY what any one of us would be feeling in the situation and WANT to say to him, and she also said that I might find her course of action to be “Passive-Aggressive.”

    I want to reply to all the comments and then jump off…

    So – what is “passive-aggressive?”

    Basically – it’s the opposite of “the Truth.”

    And telling anything but the Truth will ball up your insides.

    Aggressive means you are leaning forward, you have strong feelings, it encompasses a feeling of force, passion, anger, rage, exhilaration…aggression is ACTION, and it’s often propelled by hurt, desire for revenge, fear, a need to control a situation.

    Passive means NO ACTION. So, here you are in a state of Action and No Action.

    How can this be?

    In a basketball game, you’re supposed to be “aggressive.” You “foul” the other team’s player sometimes in your action trying to get the ball to the basket. And yet, you are in control. You don’t go around hitting other players when you’re feeling especially aggressive and frustrated – so you either handle your aggression, or you “trash-talk” if you can’t find a suitable way to be aggressive without breaking the rules – you can’t play.

    If you want to play basketball, and you know you can’t push and shove your way to the basket – but the NEED and the IMPULSE to push and shove is stronger than your love of the game, and so you instinctively hold back on your aggression (don’t shoot when you have the opportunity, pass the ball rather than take control of it, don’t run into the crowd under the basket to try to get one in when you have the ball – you’re not going to be able to play. You’re going to hold yourself back. Is THIS passive-aggressive? No.

    What if you feel the need to push and shove and make things happen out there on the floor, but hold yourself back because you’re afraid of fouling or breaking the rules – but the tension of that is too much for you, and so you yell at the umpires and the other players, you argue with them, you tell everyone what they’re doing wrong that’s preventing you from getting the ball in the hoop. Is THIS passive-aggressive? Yes.

    Is it passive-aggressive to refrain from hitting someone when you’re really, really angry? No.

    Is it passive-aggressive to say or do nothing at all when you’re really, really angry or excited? No.

    is it passive-aggressive to SMILE at someone when you’re really, really angry? No, if that’s all you do.

    Is it passive-aggressive to SMILE at someone and refrain from hitting them when you’re really, really angry and to TELL them what they did to make you so angry? Yes.

    Passive-aggression is not just STUFFING your feelings. When you stuff down your feelings and smile when you feel murderous – that’s still just stuffing. The damage is being done inside you, in the cells of your body, in your mind, in your heart. It’s aggression turned inward. It results in depression and illness and stress and tension and emotional and physical damage.

    Passive-aggression happens when we’re stuffed to the gills with our feelings, and we can’t stuff anymore, and we just have to do SOMETHING with them, to keep them from spilling out, and we do it in the only way we know, the only way we’ve seen, the only way we feel reasonably safe.

    Passive aggression happens when we are stuffed to the gills with our feelings from our whole lives, and so when we’re triggered, we have to take ACTION to keep them from spilling out.

    We call it passive-aggressive because it IS aggressive.

    It could be complaining. It could be a nice letter telling someone what you think. It could be gossip. It could be fouling hard in the basketball game when you really don’t need to, because you’re still upset over the last call. It can be violence in a way that we hope doesn’t LOOK like violence.

    It could be feeling intense sexual desire for a man, or passion for a political cause, or rapture when you see a sunset – and yet feeling that expressing those feelings by spontaneously kissing someone or screaming out at a meeting, or throwing yourself on the ground and looking up at the sky would be inappropriate, and doing something ELSE instead. Something like “teasing” the man, or quickly criticizing him. Or saying something nasty about the “opposition.” Or turning your back on the sunset and complaining in your head about the kite-flyer who’s in your way.

    It could be telling a man who is saying “No” what you think about him saying No.

    And – who cares if we’re passive-aggressive? I mean, what’s so bad about that?

    Passive-Aggressive means you are FEELING ANGRY, but you choose to be reasonable, or pleasant, or nice, or teacher-like, as though you are lecturing.

    It means, at bottom, that you’re focused on someone ELSE’S behavior – on what they’ve done and your opinion and even feeling ABOUT it, how it’s landing with you…all that. It is essentially not an expression – it’s a DEFENSE. It’s a kind of revenge. It’s a way to let off some steam without really touching what the anger is all about – while still staying in some zone where you feel okay about yourself (nice, pleasant, good, smart…)

    And the ultimate effect is that it does damage to YOU. It gets you riled up. It accentuates your disappointment, and it makes you feel scuzzy because you KNOW you’re just talking about another person – and here – without even KNOWING the other person, really – and that you’re not even telling the truth about YOURSELF!

    Below all the anger and disappointment and frustration is Love. The intense DESIRE to love. for the basketball player, it’s the love of the game. The feeling of exhilaration he or she has for PLAYING the game. For you and I, here, it’s the love of romance, of relationship, of connection. It’s the love of Love.

    And we have to work out, in ourselves, how to tend our often boiling-over soup pot of emotions in a way that serves our love of Love. This is how we get the love we want.

    Otherwise, we stay stuck in the tending.

    This is where compassion helps you and judgment hurts you. Compassion for you, and compassion for everyone and everything else. And why Boundaries are necessary if you’re to go to the fullest in love and compassion.

    Well – to take a step further – imagine what you could do if your boundaries were really so strong that you wouldn’t feel the need to reach out across the space that’s between us and another person and tell them ANYTHING?

    What if you didn’t have to do ANYTHING to TEND to your emotional soup except be with it and speak from it?

    What if you could just sit with your feelings and then let them out in a way that’s not “passive,” and that’s not “aggressive” either.
    (Linda G – you did this in your email version. You wanted to make contact, you wanted to respond, and you wanted to walk that wire between anger and disappointment and a desire for compassion and love.)

    We want to find the place that’s not merely the easy answer – ASSERTION. (Remember Assertion Training for Women? – We can talk about that later, too…) We want to find that place that’s EXPRESSIVE.

    Let’s let that concept just sit for a bit. To be neither passive, nor aggressive, nor even concerned with being assertive – but to focus on being expressive.

    Let’s look at another side of this – the part that triggers us to be passive or aggressive or passive-aggressive:

    If someone says to you that they are unable to be with you because they…can’t (sick, tired, overworked, exhausted, too poor, children, job, time, feeling unattractive because they’re sick, or wanting you to come to them and mother them when they’re sick…) then…they can’t.

    Makes no difference if it’s “can’t” or “won’t” – and I think that’s what this discussion is about.

    The answer then is always…”Sorry you ‘re (overworked, sick…), I’ll miss seeing you, and thank you for letting me know, and I have to go now (and go do something amazing from your Channeling list)…

    Doesn’t matter if THEY’RE telling the truth, doesn’t matter WHAT they’re doing…the actual thing that’s happening is they are saying NO to you, you have feelings around that, and you have the urge to communicate your feelings around it.

    But what you do in the face of a NO can make a huge difference in your life.

    Gathering all this energy in response to a NO is very draining to your system. You can spend your life responding to NO’s – preparing for NO’s. We gear up our bodies and our hearts for Nos – and yet so many of us court them.

    We put ourselves in places constantly where No’s will happen (we choose to be models or actors when we actually have more energy around rejection than we do around our love for acting or modeling, and sometimes that makes all the difference in terms of success).

    We love men who don’t live anywhere near us and test the fragile bonds of connection 24/7 – hoping the magic will hold.

    It’s not possible to love Love more than we feel pressed to continue our draining habits of tending to our emotional soup without loving OURSELVES most of all.

    And so WE have to practice saying NO. Once WE can say no, we can start to look all the other “No’s” out there square in the face and be okay.

    “Okay, so he doesn’t want to call me.”

    “Okay, so he doesn’t want to see me.”

    “Okay, even though the sex was fantastic, he still calls me his ‘friend.’”

    “Okay, I feel riled up, my soup is in an uproar, I feel pain and hurt and disappointment and…so…

    ***…this doesn’t feel good.”

    This doesn’t feel good.

    This is your easiest, clearest way to express your feelings about getting a No.

    Try saying it to yourself, and then use riffing and all your other Tools to get connected to your Soup, to get connected to your compassion for yourself, which is inextricably and forever attached, no matter how much we’d like it not to be true – to everyone else, including a man who’s wronged you or simply said “No” to you.

    Go spontaneously kiss a tree, get on your feet and yell “Bravo” in a theater, and really, really look at the sunset in companionship with the kite-flyers.

    No is just one more step to Yes. Keep on your road to Happy Ever After, and don’t let anyone hold you up. If he can’t or won’t walk with you – just keep walking. There’s plenty to see, plenty to feel, and so much love inside you to express and attract even more love.

    Next, I’ll be talking about building Romance in your life…

    Love, Rori

    ________________________

    xxx



  76.  #76Turquoise on February 22, 2014 at 5:49 am

    FW, I was suggesting that because I didn’t know if it’s good for him to see my daily posts. I’m a pretty regular Facebook user. You are right though, there are filters that limit what people can see. I hadn’t thought about that.

    I’m not going to do anything. Just live my life.

    Tonight I’m hosting a girls night… Food, drinks, fun… I’m looking forward to it!



  77.  #77Turquoise on February 22, 2014 at 5:53 am

    Thanks for sharing Zara, feels very fitting for me right now. All good thoughts to think about.



  78.  #78Amazed on February 22, 2014 at 6:47 am

    Yes Zara..very fitting and helpful to me as well..thank you!



  79.  #79Daria on February 22, 2014 at 10:32 am

    thank you Zara and Rori

    i feel slammed and tumbled with yumminess



  80.  #80Turquoise on February 22, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    Quiet day on the blog…. I hope everyone is enjoying their Saturday!!



  81.  #81Veronica on February 22, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    Zara – Thank you so much!



  82.  #82LoveAlways on February 22, 2014 at 4:10 pm

    What a beautiful day it has been and now a lovely evening. Just sinking down into my feelings . . . Feeling gorgeous and calm and happy all at the same time!



  83.  #83LoveAlways on February 22, 2014 at 5:03 pm

    Have fun Turquoise!



  84.  #84Tereana on February 22, 2014 at 8:39 pm

    Zara – that’s weird I just happened to read that little bit on passive aggression. It occurred to me that my father was (is) very passive aggressive. Which is to say that he is very aggressive

    It’s scary as h*ll

    And now I definitely know that that’s at least partly where my dissociation comes from…

    I am feeling much better now though.

    Last night he screamed at me because I dared to assert that I might just be the one most best authority on what is best for me and what I prefer (he strongly disagreed and called me “evil” for saying it)

    Today I asserted myself much more calmly and took time for myself and did not cave to his mind-manipulation attempts. It was challenging, but I stuck to my guns and I feel much better



  85.  #85Tereana on February 22, 2014 at 8:46 pm

    I just spent a long afternoon with M. It seems like he can’t get enough time with me

    I had a trip to take for myself in the morning and stopped by his house after. He first made me a mango smoothie, then his friend came over to pick up some things. Then M made me tea and a little snack which was actually quite involved. He is a good cook.

    He took me to see a movie that was a little upsetting for me, but it was a good movie. Then dinner. Then we took a walk. Then he gave me ice cream. And he still was hoping I would stay later. Lol. But I had to get going…

    While we were walking over the river, he told me how much he liked me. So I got bold and asked why he hasn’t kissed me yet? And then of course he kissed me : )

    I wouldn’t call it electric, but it was very sweet. And I don’t mind. He’s a sweet guy. He is really pretty adorable. In don’t know. We’ll see…



  86.  #86Tereana on February 22, 2014 at 8:50 pm

    It was a good kiss, though, I will say. After an awkward beginning, it got better and went on for quite a while

    I will say I was pleased : )

    And, he talks about wanting kids. He talks about wanting someone to get married to. So, even though S is more “electric” for me, he doesn’t want those things… So it makes it hard to choose that when I really do, and this guy seems to like me

    I am not even leaning back on purpose. But every time I come home from a date with M I’ll think that it was horrible and I said it did the wrong things, and then I’ll get a sweet message from him. He’ll even text me from the driveway before he leaves.

    I don’t know. He’s a cutie. And he likes cooking for me… 🙂



  87.  #87Epiphyllum on February 22, 2014 at 9:27 pm

    “To dance with a man is to let your body follow his lead in a romantic situation. When he steps forward, you step back, when he steps back, you allow yourself to flow forward. Imagine how this would work with phone calls, texts, e-mails … pretty much any conversation with a man. By allowing his lead, you’ll keep from focusing too much on him and losing the rhythm of your own body.
    Dancing is about responding. It’s about being in the moment and not about trying to make things happen.”

    Hi Rori

    I feel ensure if I am getting the idea right about leaning back when he is leaning forward! I usually try to be very responsive to his invitation or offer. Showing lots of appreciation in positive feeling messages in reply.

    And I feel confused about how to allow myself to flow forward when he steps back.

    Sirens, your comments are appreciated!



  88.  #88Millie on February 23, 2014 at 12:27 am

    Realizing that my problem is exactly as Shannon pointed out…that I don’t see myself as a prize.
    I want to change that…I’m not sure how.

    This weekend I have felt very quiet. I haven’t had much desire to talk to anyone, or to post anything on facebook or instagram, I haven’t had any desire to share or reach out. Today I wanted to take care of myself and be just with me. I think that…(and Shannon let me know what you think of this) that the main reason I am/was super attracted to Mechanic is because of the relationship he has with himself. He is constantly bettering himself, he compliments himself all the time, he is very confident and doesn’t seem to let what others think bother him very much. He’s on his own horse. I’m wondering if my feeling of “love” for him is really jealousy, is really wanting to be like him, or wanting what he has with himself…..
    I realize that I REALLY need to work on the relationship I have with ME right now…
    I’ve also realized that I am a bit of a masochist. I am used to being in a degree of pain, a degree of “not good enough.” Like how some people like the pain of tweezing, or getting tattoos, or can’t stop picking at something….a weird addiction. I feel disappointment in myself and I’m seeing that it takes so much energy to beat myself up. I’m really seeing that…..and how in a sick way it’s a comfort I resort to. Does that make sense to anyone?

    I feel more aware now than I have been. Like I have a deeper understanding of what’s been going with me.
    So, today I decided to pamper myself. I got a much needed facial, got a beautiful red manicure, colored my hair, and cooked myself a healthy dinner. haha…
    I want to wake up early tomorrow and go on a walk or take a yoga class.

    I read in Zara’s repost earlier about handling when a man says No…and how sometimes you don’t need to say anything..you can just be and feel. I must say it has been such a nice day of just being. Allowing myself to decompress and like taking a fresh breath, exhaling the bad, and inhaling some good.



  89.  #89Cris on February 23, 2014 at 1:41 am

    (((Tereana)))



  90.  #90Femininewoman on February 23, 2014 at 2:41 am

    Yayy Millie



  91.  #91Indigo on February 23, 2014 at 3:11 am

    Millie,

    That’s so great! And getting to see yourself as the prize and fully loving yourself is a process that takes time, but you see the fruits of it as you go along and that makes it all worth it!

    Dominique’s article on nasty voices helped me big time. It was great to see that I don’t have to hate the voice that tries to put me down – I can thank it for trying to protect me, and choose a different thought instead.

    Love to ya



  92.  #92Shannon P. on February 23, 2014 at 5:37 am

    Changing my name to Shannon P. since another “Shannon” has showed up. This is the Shannon that’s been posting all along. 🙂

    Millie, I don’t know if the ‘why’ really matters so much on this, but I’ll tell you what I see.

    There’s a part of you who says, “If I can win this one, and make him love me, then I’ll know I’m good enough.”

    But every time that I’ve mentioned things you could do to move the relationship along, you explain why that’s simply not possible.

    So you’ve made him unobtainable, and you’ve chosen unobtainable intentionally. But you’ve purposefully chosen desirably unobtainable over jerkishly unobtainable. You choose men that you feel are “above you” and yearn for them to elevate you by choosing to love you unconditionally…

    Which, of course, they don’t, because you don’t let them.

    The cycle continues because you make sure it does (unconsciously). You pick unobtainable, focus in entirely upon that, and close your vision to all else.

    You choose not to be authentic, because that level of intimacy with the unobtainable might just make it obtainable. And then you might find out that he’s just a man… an ordinary, flawed man… and cannot lift you out of the soup of your own insecurity, after all.

    We all sabotage ourselves to one degree or another, so there’s no blame in what I’m saying here. That feels very important to me to point out. You asked me what I see, and I see that you have a deep-rooted fear of intimacy, of being authentic if it will earn you rejection.

    You’re choosing a fantasy relationship, because a fantasy cannot reject or abandon you. More than that, a fantasy cannot make you accept the possibility that you might actually be good enough. Maybe, dare I say it, even better than the object of your fantasy relationship.

    I see a lot of things going on with you. You, like every one of us, are a complex and layered person. Your fears rule your interactions, and that’s what so many of Rori’s tools are about.

    This is why you need practice with men that you have no fear of. Men you know you won’t accept. Practice with men who don’t interest you so that your responses are automatic with the ones you do desire.

    When Mechanic offered to walk you to your car, if you’d been practiced at that point, you would have accepted gracefully–and more to the point, AUTOMATICALLY, if you’d been practicing the tools with other men.

    When he’d said that he wanted to just be friends, or that he was too old for you, you would have automatically spoke your truth, “That’s odd. I feel like an adult woman. I feel a little offended. And honestly, I feel disappointed. It doesn’t feel good to me to be just friends.”

    He asked to bring another person along on a date, and instead of speaking honestly about it, you started analyzing what that meant. If you had practice dating, you’d automatically have said, “I feel disappointed. I was looking forward to time alone with you.”

    But you are very afraid of intimacy with him because you’re too attached to your fantasy of him. If you lose that because you became intimate with him and learned that he’s just a plain old man like everyone else, what fundamental thing would be lost to you?

    It doesn’t ultimately matter, though. What matters is that you overcome your fear of intimacy through building new habits. The best way to do that, as Rori always says, is to practice, practice, practice with men that don’t make your pulse hammer and your eyes roll around loosely.



  93.  #93Kyla on February 23, 2014 at 8:37 am

    Going to adopt a cat today with my kids and feeling excited and happy to welcome a new member to our family 🙂



  94.  #94Amazed on February 23, 2014 at 9:21 am

    Congrats Kyla! I’m sure you and your kids will enjoy the new addition!



  95.  #95Andrea on February 23, 2014 at 9:21 am

    I feel ANGRY!! ANGRY!! I feel… “why did you get to abuse me and treat me so horribly?” Because you are a man! I feel deep hidden reserves of seething anger that had been laying dormant. I feel useless, powerless in the raging echos of this anger, as though, no matter what if I don’t “FIX” this, I’m always going to self sabotage.
    I am ANGRY at my ex because I let him abuse me, treat me so bad, call me names, put me down, control my contact with other people, choose him over my daughters, my family. But I FEEL.. deeper, deeper than that and realize that I let him into my life.. no… I begged him to come into my life.
    I’d left my past three years ago and moved to a new city looking for a positive change for my daughters and I.. and jumped right back into a similar situation.. less intense, but familiar, similar.
    I feel untrustworthy, I feel unreliable, I feel I am broken beyond repair because of years and years and years of abuse suffered by men. I only wanted love.. instead I got controlled, brain washed, lies…
    I feel so angry! So angry! I hate my ex. I hated him when I was dating him. I hate men! And that’s the truth. I hate men.
    And I feel excrutiating fear. If I don’t get over this hatred, this rage.. i will always attract abusers into my life. I resist abusers, and they flock to me. It’s as though my hatred is drawing them in because it’s a more powerful energy than love.

    (and I also feel grateful that I get to riff this out now, instead of living it out anymore.)

    I feel a gratefulness for Anger. I feel the Anger protecting me. I’m finally ANGRY enough to say, NO!! No. I will not be abused anymore. I will not seek out abusers to make me feel comfortable in the place I’ve always known. Maybe I can feel comfortable with Angry Woman for a little while. Maybe I can get to know her and sit with her for a little while and feel like it’s okay to push everyone away for a little while because I need my space in order to heal.

    Then I also feel the opposite of that. Maybe I can let people in with softness, let the people who want to love come closer… knowing that Angry Woman is always by my side and now that I’ve given her a voice and honored her… now maybe she will speak up just as soon as she starts to feel there is a need for her presence. I want love. But I’m tired of feeling like a door mat and a puppy dog, needing to chase love down and try and impress these men who are unreachable, snooty, high status (according to me) and so far above me… Ugh… These men I put on a pedestal so that I can make it okay that they abuse me.

    I feel like I need to go work out. Hah!
    Can anyone recommend any posts or articles on Anger??



  96.  #96Andrea on February 23, 2014 at 9:33 am

    Yes, that’s what I’ve done.. I’ve dated the rich, much older than me, highly intelligent, authoritative men…

    So that I could make it okay when they put me down. I could make excuses like… Well he’s so high up there and he’s had this kind of life that makes him a little mean. (I’ve even said, “I wouldn’t love him as much if he weren’t this way. A softer man would not have come so far in business.”)

    That’s because my child hood abuser was the pastor of a church. Very high esteemed by my parents who still attend his church.

    And they still make excuses for him… “Well, he’s a true man of God and he operates on a different level than the rest of humanity.”

    Forty years old.. me… and I wish I could blot his face out of memory. I feel sad and in anguish that all these years later, I’m still so affected.

    Every time I get a phone call, or visit from anyone in my family though it’s a new fresh trigger. I want to run run far away from my ex (who looked amazingly like my old pastor) my family, siblings, parents, uncles, cousins… I wish I could move to a different country and never hear from any of them again. (He took my family away from me! Because every single one of them are triggers.)

    I feel deep deep wounds today. Deep wounds!



  97.  #97Shannon on February 23, 2014 at 9:40 am

    Oh, Andrea. I feel you so much!! So much!

    I did walk away from all of my family. I had to.

    What I have learned is that what made forgiving them so hard was that I couldn’t forgive myself. And many times, what I needed to forgive myself for didn’t make sense…

    I had to forgive myself for being helpless. I had to forgive myself for not standing up for myself (when I couldn’t have!). I had to forgive myself for a lot of things that really didn’t make sense.

    I had to forgive myself for being so desperate for the love of those people that I put up with absolutely ANYTHING from them.

    I had to forgive myself for being silent in the face of unfair criticism.

    I couldn’t forgive them… because I hadn’t forgiven ME.

    Forgiveness feels SO much better, but it’s just impossible if I keep holding onto beating myself up.

    I hear that in what you said. You are still beating yourself up, and that’s why you’re still angry at them. You can’t forgive them because you can’t forgive yourself.

    *Warm, loving hugs*

    ~ Shannon P. (The Shannon that’s been around the last few weeks, posting regularly)



  98.  #98Liquid Light on February 23, 2014 at 10:46 am

    ((((((((((((((((((((((((Andrea)))))))))))))))))))))))))



  99.  #99Millie on February 23, 2014 at 11:15 am

    Big hugs to you Andrea
    I feel for you



  100.  #100Shannon on February 23, 2014 at 11:54 am

    Millie, I answered your question, but I answered it as Shannon P. since someone else is posting now as Shannon.

    It’s in moderation right now, but hopefully Rori will see it soon and okay it. 🙂



  101.  #101Andrea on February 23, 2014 at 12:00 pm

    Thank you all. I just felt so triggered last night by a phone call from my Uncle. And I didn’t want to talk to him. I don’t know how he got my number and I was kind of unprepared.
    I didn’t want to talk to him. But he also went through a lot of pain at the hands of this “pastor”. I didn’t want to rehash, but I felt for him. So I listened. I tried to console. I tried to empathise. I tried to be understanding.
    I didn’t want to stay on the phone but I did.
    Then finally hung up feeling powerless once more. Feeling small and not able to control my surroundings. Feeling loss of protection and not able to trust myself or the “adults” in my life. Feeling little girl… listen to your elders and let the adults leak their pain all over you even though you are also getting abused.
    Ugh.
    I want to make sure you know that I do have a support system. I have counseling and two close friends.
    It’s just… Do you sometimes feel like the people around you just want you to hurry up and get over it and move on??? : )
    It’s like when someone drones on about a bad break up.
    I feel awful for leaking all over the blog like this. And thank you Shannon (P) : ) Yes, I still have a lot of work to do in the area of loving and forgiving myself. I wish I were brave enough to tell my Uncles and Siblings… Please don’t call me. I can’t help you. I am just now learning how to manage my own pain.



  102.  #102Kyla on February 23, 2014 at 5:04 pm

    I felt my heart broke open at the shelter when we found our lovable little dude with round ears. He lost the tips to frost bite. There were so many beautiful cats to choose from and both kids gravitated straight to him. My son is shy and I felt awed watching him let this cat rub against him and kiss his nose. He smiled at me then and said “This one wants us and we want him too, right Mama?”. Melt. Daughter is so happy, has wanted a cat for years but exh and R didn’t like them so she was always told no. So we brought him home and spent the rest of the day on the floor playing with kitty. He’s curled up on my lap now and I feel him purring, feels so soothing and warm. I am in love <3



  103.  #103Millie on February 23, 2014 at 5:09 pm

    Shannon P.

    I read your response and I don’t really have a response right now. All I know is that I cried like a baby when I read it and this week has been really emotional for me and that I feel like giving up entirely. The reality is just as you said. And I have no mind trickery to make myself feel any better about it.

    Btw Mechanic never said he was too old or that he just wanted to be friends. I said that.

    Anyway, I’m going to process this and I don’t know…..figure something out I suppose.



  104.  #104Kyla on February 23, 2014 at 5:09 pm

    ((((Andrea)))) I feel your pain. Please don’t apologise for using the blog to process and express your feelings.



  105.  #105Liquid Light on February 23, 2014 at 5:14 pm

    I want cat



  106.  #106Andrea on February 23, 2014 at 5:38 pm

    In other news CD “Leggs”, who danced with me one night and took me out the next night a couple of weeks ago, then straight away went out of town on business.. whew… Just texted me tonight.

    He texted, “Hi Red, how are you doing?”
    I texted, “I feel relaxed and rested this afternoon. It is wonderful to hear from you.”

    15 minutes later he called and told me he’d been out of town and traveling for the past three weeks, he’s back in town for two nights and then leaves again. He said he has hesitated to call me because of our age difference. He is 54 to my 40.

    The whole time I just soaked him up. I smiled to myself over the phone and just spoke in feeling terms as I didn’t feel the need to answer his anxiousness. If he thinks our age difference is a problem for him… then let him think that.

    I said, “I feel really good when I hear from you. I felt wonderful dancing with you and having conversations with you. I feel good right now talking to you.”

    He asked if he could come pick me up and take me to a movie tonight. I said, “No. I’m busy. Wednesdays through Saturdays feel more free and fun for me.”

    He said he will definitely call me when he comes back to town. I said, “wonderful” heehee…

    Well, that was nice anyway.



  107.  #107Emerson on February 23, 2014 at 5:47 pm

    Wow recycledCD got me again. I feel so angry at myself and vulnerable and I did it to myself. He stood me up today. As some of you know I have a long “history” with recycledCD and we are currently in the status of friends…
    But I still carry a torch for him…
    Especially at the moment when I’m not dating anyone in particular ,,, I feel very vulnerable.
    I’ve also been feeling desperate and needy for male attention, which makes no sense why it is lacking for me…
    I am a beautiful siren who occasionally slips up and leans forward too much… But why I struggle so much with my loneliness I don’t know…
    I look in the mirror and see an attractive woman who is funny and kind…
    I take care of myself…
    WHY am I alone all the time!
    I know it’s self created but why am I doing this to myself



  108.  #108Emerson on February 23, 2014 at 5:53 pm

    ExoticCD is off my radar. I’ve realized he is childish, impatient and wants everything “now”… Or he’s upset.
    Who needs that? Not me.
    Reading this article, he came to mind though. I was trying to think of a script for him …and I feel in my heart that I’m afraid it would be a waste of time…



  109.  #109Emerson on February 23, 2014 at 5:54 pm

    I have been working so much that when I have a day off, I feel sad and lonely and tired all at once. Usually I spend the day by myself which is nice sometimes but I feel lonely.



  110.  #110Emerson on February 23, 2014 at 6:26 pm

    I am feeling thankful for roris tools though, I was using feeling messages yesterday with recycledCD.
    I finally was able to be honest and not afraid to express how I feel. It felt good even though I felt like crying.
    When recycledCD and I parted ways last night we were on good terms. He initiated to see me today and said he would call.
    He never called today. I feel curious and like an idiot.



  111.  #111prplpsn28 on February 23, 2014 at 6:29 pm

    Kyla…that is so cool. We also have a rescue kitty and he is very awesome. Rescuing from a shelter is the best way to go.



  112.  #112Tereana on February 23, 2014 at 6:33 pm

    Odd. When I checked the blog on my laptop, it only showed up to the last post, or maybe even further back – the ‘girlspeak’ post. Hm…

    Anyway, my weekend has a sweet, surprising end to it.

    I was texting with M today, and the topic of waiting for relationship came up. Long story short, he said something that made me think he was looking for a booty call. I was upset and stepped away from the phone. He sent a series of texts, very romantic, saying he’s serious. Then he called. Said he wanted to come see me.

    So he drove to see me. We talked, he said again however he likes me.

    I find him cuter and cuter.

    And it turns out that he is a virgin : ) : ) this might not make everyone happy, but it makes me very happy, because it means that it can be a very long time before we sleep together, and it means that his mind doesn’t associate “relationship” with sex. It takes the pressure off, which feels so nice.

    Anyway, I *think* although I’m only 90% sure that we had x conversation in which we agreed – ok he said that he wants me to be his girlfriend. This felt really good to hear. I’m not totally sure if we agreed it’s the case right now. But I’m starting to feel like it and I’m okay with it.

    I maybe did one forward thing when I asked if I should change my FB status, and then I felt bad for asking

    Today is the first time he didn’t text after seeing me

    But it makes me want to lean back even more. To take my mind off if him and think of other things

    Today I got the full sensation of what it means to think of him less so he can think of me MORE. I feel very certain he is only thinking of me and planning to tell his family about me. He is going home to see them soon. And he said he will miss me. And he will bring me things home : )

    I feel good and nothing really has to change.

    I think I might have a boyfriend… If so I feel good 🙂



  113.  #113Tereana on February 23, 2014 at 6:38 pm

    Emerson – 109: I know the feeling! It’s like the lack of structure can be upsetting when you have a lot of structure other days, even though you feel tired…

    LL, you want a cat, or want “cat”? Lol



  114.  #114Turquoise on February 23, 2014 at 6:40 pm

    Hi Emerson. I understand how you feel. I really do. Feeling a bit lonely myself tonight. Hugs to you!



  115.  #115Tereana on February 23, 2014 at 7:22 pm

    The elusive RBF (real boyfriend ; ) … Hm. If I can think of one thing that might have made a difference for me in terms of being “ready,” it wasn’t really a readiness feeling. I’ve felt ready yesterday – years ago. But I really didn’t believe it was possible.

    I honestly don’t know if I’m ready or not today, but it feels good because it’s happening, and in exactly the way I want, without any forcing or doing or convincing on my part.

    The only thing I think I did differently was I started to believe it was possible. And then I started to believe my belief. And I am continuing to believe that this is possible and just watch and observe.

    The more I see and the more I know the more I find him incredibly cute and sexy. And yes, he is not perfect. He says some things that are a little off to me at times. But I have to give him slack. He has never had a girlfriend before and English is not his first language.

    I am not worried about anything right now. He is just so sweet and I can feel that what’s coming from him is from his heart, not his head or his pants.

    Ah… Just, happy : )



  116.  #116LoveAlways on February 23, 2014 at 7:42 pm

    (((((((Andrea)))))))



  117.  #117Millie on February 23, 2014 at 8:04 pm

    I’ve been thinking about coming clean to Mechanic.
    We still chat here and there, he is around, but he hasn’t tried to see me in weeks. When I say coming clean, I mean I don’t want to be fake anymore. I don’t want to pretend everything is ok, when I’m not really ok. I’m disappointed in myself. He and I have talked a lot about people, fears, and trusting people and yet I’ve hid. I don’t want to hide anymore. I don’t care if it makes me “easy” or “not a challenge” to bare all, but I don’t want to live under this guise of a friendship anymore. I don’t want to be scared of his reaction, or what he is going to say, even though I do feel scared. I want to face it. I want to look fear in the eyes.

    But I know that perhaps the better option is to say nothing right now…..to just know and sink into this awareness and move forward and forget.

    I just wonder how good will it feel to speak the truth?



  118.  #118Millie on February 23, 2014 at 8:07 pm

    Shannon P.

    I was really upset when I first read your post.
    Then I went for a drive, relaxed, breathed, and accepted the truth about myself.
    I accept it and I don’t want it to be a cycle.
    Thank you for being honest with me,
    I do appreciated more than you know.
    I needed someone to call me out on my crap.
    Thank you,



  119.  #119Shannon P. on February 23, 2014 at 8:41 pm

    You know, Millie, the thing to remember is that every one of us does something similar, when not THE SAME thing.

    We’re here to remind you that you’re not allowed to beat yourself up. You’re being challenged to love this part of you that is trying so hard to protect you; even if it is failing by causing you a different sort of pain than it’s trying to protect you from.

    I’m so sorry that it hurt your heart to hear that. I also feel very relieved and glad to hear that you’re feeling better now.

    Whatever you decide to do, I support you with warmth and love.



  120.  #120Shannon P. on February 23, 2014 at 8:59 pm

    That despair… it’s a thing to sink into, and to love. To fall to your knees until it just drifts off at last. Love it and embrace it and let it be strong until it gets bored…

    😀

    That tool is something I’ve been doing for quite a while. It’s taught by a man who pretty much shows that when you can really take that emotion to the max (good emotion or bad), it will get to a sort of threshold where it just sort of “goes away” and it passes into itself. It loses its grip and peace will just fall over you.

    I’ve experienced that many times. Where if you just feel that sadness and let that sadness grow… and you just sob into it and make it huge… then it just suddenly seems to get bored and go away, for lack of a better way of saying it.

    Sometimes it’s hard to do that. Life can get in the way of it. And sometimes the problem is that I’m not feeling what I think I’m feeling (sadness instead of anger). But when it works, it works amazingly well (almost scarily well).

    Anyhow. When we feel helpless, hopeless, or angry… it’s a good time to sink into it and try to feel it in its fullness so it can at last be set free to turn into peace.



  121.  #121Millie on February 23, 2014 at 9:09 pm

    Thank you Shannon P. 🙂
    I have definitely been sinking in this week….sinking…sinking…sinking….despairing in a different way than I’m used to. My body has given up fighting it. I hear what you are saying about letting it takes its course….

    I wrote Mechanic a letter, cuz that’s what we do when we feel the need to pour something out on a man. I feel better writing it…one of the things I wrote was “I feel disappointed in the quality of “relationship” I’ve allowed between us.” I thought that was an interesting thing to write…….because it’s not ALL my fault and I’ve been making it all my fault. What about the fact that he didn’t want a relationship from the get go? So……after re-reading my letter, I had this feeling of “now what?” What do I want from him???

    I’m a big fan of writing letters before you say anything that feels huge. Writing letters ALWAYS helps us to step back and see…..



  122.  #122Syreena on February 23, 2014 at 11:22 pm

    Hi Andrea. I love your anger. It has made you aware.
    And not wanting to accept being treated like that anymore.

    I put this on another thread. Wanted to share it again with you. It is pre indicators to look out for from people with an agenda to manipulate and control. They may well ring some bells with you of future red flags to look out for to help you get away from those people and choose better ones. hugs.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gift_of_Fear



  123.  #123Femininewoman on February 24, 2014 at 2:03 am

    Millie I think it is all okay. I think it is great to write the letter for yourself. I think if you can focus on at least thinking of allowing other men into your life you will get to where you want to go. Some of us go back and forth in our process. The key is awareness. Whatever you were like in the past doesn’t have to define your future.



  124.  #124Emerson on February 24, 2014 at 6:16 am

    121 FW
    I like what you say to Millie here…



  125.  #125Shannon P. on February 24, 2014 at 6:28 am

    So a couple days ago, I pitched a god-awful piss-fit at my ex. I told him that I didn’t want to talk about old relationship stuff, I didn’t want it brought up during every argument anymore. I was pretty un-Rori, lol.

    In the end, I almost screamed at him that I felt like I could never say how I really felt because every time I tried, it turned into an hour long lecture about what a piece of s*** Shannon is… and I nearly screamed, “And that’s how it feels right now!”

    Then I put my headset on and went downstairs and bawled while I sorted laundry, lol.

    Since then it’s like a completely different person. Taken over by aliens.

    He asked me if I wanted anything from the store. Trying not to be a prickly pear, I asked for a bar of chocolate. To my surprise, he came home with my favorite carmel-filled ones (they’re a bit expensive). Then he made me hot chocolate, from scratch.

    He cleaned the sheets on my (and our daughter’s) bed and put the pillowcase back on for me (might sound small, but it’s actually kind of hard to get these pillowcases onto these pillows).

    It’s the vanguard of an alien invasion! Look out!

    :p



  126.  #126Kyla on February 24, 2014 at 6:46 am

    Wow Shannon Brava lady! Stating clearly what you don’t want is very feminine 🙂



  127.  #127Kyla on February 24, 2014 at 6:58 am

    I feel confused feelings wrt NewGuy (still no name!) I feel very sure that he’s just practice and yet I can’t put my finger on what my reservations are about. I feel so good, easy, relaxed, happy and loved in his presence. He’s making plans 6 – 12 months into the future. I don’t know if its the age difference (13 years) or if he reminds me of my exh in some way (have no idea where that thought came from but it won’t go away) or if there’s a red flag I’m just not noticing but I feel very maybe but probably not about him. Am I disallowing a good man to enter my life?



  128.  #128Femininewoman on February 24, 2014 at 7:21 am

    Shannon I believe that is because you were being authentic.



  129.  #129Kyla on February 24, 2014 at 7:26 am

    Friday I returned his car and he took me for dinner and a movie. He touches me a lot, in the most wonderful ways, not sexual or gropy but puts an arm around me, strokes my arm, puts a hand on my waist when he needs to get around me.. I like it, I love being caressed and touched affectionately. He had his arm around me at the movie, I felt warm and happy. Every time he stroked my arm I melted and he’d give me a little squeeze. He kissed the top of my head a few times too (he’s a foot taller even when I’m in heels). When we were talking on his couch I was laying back into him and he just held me and I felt so happy and relaxed.

    Saturday I had to bring daughter to ortho and son to a bday party and catch up with friends. NewGuy wanted to go out but daughter was staying with a friend and I had no other sitter organised. He offered to come over and we could order in, I don’t want to have dates in the house with the kids. He offered to take me and son bowing, I don’t want to mix dating with the kids.. not until I know where its going. He asked me to text when son gone to sleep and he’d call but I fell asleep watching a movie with son instead!

    Sunday was all about cleaning the house, groceries, laundry and kitty. I didn’t call him until late last night. I felt giggly on the phone with him and we chatted maybe 30 mins while I petted kitty.

    Am I pushing him away unreasonably or is this what leaning back and having all my focus on my own life really looks like?



  130.  #130Kyla on February 24, 2014 at 7:27 am

    I kicked myself gently on Saturday in the coffee shop. Older man in front of me smiled at me as son was being funny. I smiled and made eye contact and was open. The line was long and son was complaining. The man in front was next and turned and offered to let me go ahead of him and I said “oh thank you no no its ok”. Man seemed disappointed and didn’t look back again. I know I should’ve just said thanks and accepted his gift.. I am becoming more aware of how I bat away arrows and have trouble receiving..



  131.  #131Indigo on February 24, 2014 at 10:36 am

    Kyla,

    Personally I think it’s a good thing.

    Taking it slow and letting a man into your life very slowly, I believe, gives you the time to really feel through each moment and is very valuable in helping you realize what you want.

    If I were you, I wouldn’t judge you for not wanting this or not wanting that, for not feeling like something in this particular moment, just because it’s being offered to you… just see it as information 🙂



  132.  #132daisyduke on February 24, 2014 at 11:59 am

    After taking rori’s words into action and using one of her wonderful coaches… I have relieved myself from a man who wore me out emotionally because he was toxic.
    Now…I have an awesome man. He talks to me intelligently and even responds in ways that keep the communication clear. But lately.. I have found those nit picky things that irritate me. It doesn’t help that we are almost 3 months into the relationship and we have moved in with each other and he brought home a puppy without talking to me about it first. Now… this man wants to marry me. I’m “his world” as he explains almost daily. He’s the best kind of man I could find. I’m attracted to him most of the time. But since these little resentments and nit picky things have been happening… I catch myself with such an ugly attitude toward him when we both get home from work. Plus… I an no where near turned on as I was. I’m pulling away and pressing the runaway button.. I feel smothered sometimes and frustrated others because I don’t get much free time. I don’t even get to enjoy him as daily life and responsibilities have kicked in. He needs so much of my attention and I have other priorities that get set aside because he wants my full attention all the time.
    It’s becoming a problem and I just did all the negative things women do when they reach a barrier…over explanations…. nagging… getting snappy… not providing any supportive comments.
    How can I get my man to allow me to have space but still be the good wonderful man he has been? And how can I fix those irritations that this woman spoke of that doesn’t place a bigger wedge that’s already starting to build. because of me and my talking about my feelings and pointing fingers, rather than feeling speak and explaining my needs



  133.  #133daisyduke on February 24, 2014 at 12:03 pm

    After taking rori’s words into action and using one of her wonderful coaches… I have relieved myself from a man who wore me out emotionally because he was toxic.
    Now…I have an awesome man. He talks to me intelligently and even responds in ways that keep the communication clear.

    But lately.. I have found those nit picky things that irritate me. It doesn’t help that we are almost 3 months into the relationship and we have moved in with each other and he brought home a puppy without talking to me about it first. Now… this man wants to marry me. I’m “his world” as he explains almost daily. He’s the best kind of man I could find. I’m attracted to him most of the time. But since these little resentments and nit picky things have been happening… I catch myself with such an ugly attitude toward him when we both get home from work. Plus… I an no where near turned on as I was. I’m pulling away and pressing the runaway button.. I feel smothered sometimes and frustrated others because I don’t get much free time. I don’t even get to enjoy him as daily life and responsibilities have kicked in. He needs so much of my attention and I have other priorities that get set aside because he wants my full attention all the time.
    It’s becoming a problem and I just did all the negative things women do when they reach a barrier…over explanations…. nagging… getting snappy… not providing any supportive comments.

    How can I get my man to allow me to have space but still be the good wonderful man he has been? And how can I fix those irritations that this woman spoke of that doesn’t place a bigger wedge that’s already starting to build. because of me and my talking about my feelings and pointing fingers, rather than feeling speak and explaining my needs.



  134.  #134Kyla on February 24, 2014 at 12:46 pm

    Thanks Indigo 🙂



  135.  #135Tereana on February 24, 2014 at 2:38 pm

    (((((Andrea!!!)))))

    I just read your big post. You write about your pain and anger so well. That sounded like good processing, good moving forward. I unfortunately know that feeling of powerlessness. But I think it’s comforting to know that many, many women have moved beyond this and made new lives WITHOUT abuse. You may have attracted it up until now, but it doesn’t have to be that way forever…



  136.  #136Tereana on February 24, 2014 at 2:49 pm

    Kyla – I felt so smiley reading your cat adoption story : )

    Cris – thank you for the hug!! <3

    Millie, on your #88, I actually DO know what you are talking about: the masochism. The self-punishment. The comfort level and almost need to be in a certain level of pain…yeah.

    That's been most of my life. It's only over the last 5-7 years that I've noticed it and started to do something about it, but it seems like a long, slow process… I don't know if I will ever be fully "healed." All I feel like I can do is entertain thoughts that there might be another possibility and looks for clues and evidence as to what that is and also how it might be better for me and actually FIT into my life.

    And after that, there is the question of guilt. I have to anticipate that I will feel very guilty for not feeling pain, because that was (and is still) the way my "family system" works. I just have to know in my heart inan different than that, I've always known it, and truly believe it and trust myself, despite the STRONG opposition from the people who are "supposed" to support me.

    But I really can't make them be other than they are….



  137.  #137Emerson on February 24, 2014 at 7:19 pm

    Sirens there is a new post up…



  138.  #138Rori Raye on February 25, 2014 at 1:43 pm

    daisy – brilliant questions – AND – that’s why not everyone is cut out to be with a man!!!! If you want a man, you have to work with your feelings and irritations and find your way to taking the space you need for yourself. It’s every woman’s challenge. Please keep going to your coach – she’s helped you – let her help you now!!! This is a process of discovering that irritation is fear of intimacy – YOURS!!!! and not knowing how to speak your truth. Love, Rori



  139.  #139T.Bradley on February 26, 2014 at 5:41 am

    kyla-126,

    Is this guy 13 years older or younger than you?



  140.  #140Audrey on February 27, 2014 at 6:27 pm

    Hmm, could I use the same technique on someone that is suffering from depression and anxiety?

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, he was different when I first met him. But he suffers from depression and anxiety and it’s only brought out when he feels like he’s loosing control and focus in his life which is recently when he couldn’t go back to school because he didn’t file his taxes, he became a business partner for a while but worked literally 24/7 and didn’t make any money, finally he quit that job to become a driver…and then he got his license suspended and lost his job because of it and now he’s super depressed. Then he blames the world for his problems…I can’t be with someone that’s so irresponsible and I feel like I’m taking care of him most of the time, like you say Rori, I feel like I’m his mother sometimes, and then I have to stop myself. But honestly he’s 26 and still lives with his mother.

    Another guy has taken interest in me and I really enjoy spending time with him, I want to break it off with my currently depressed boyfriend but I have no idea how to. I feel like he’s in such a fragile state, he tells me all the time that I’m the only person he can talk to, the only thing constant in his life, that he loves me so much and sees a future with me. It breaks my heart to even think of leaving him alone in this situation, but he refuses to get a low-end job and is finding it hard to get medication and therapy without money. And seriously….what does he even do all day with his life? I feel so terrible but I have to get out of this, but what if he gets worse? What if he hurts himself god forbid? I need help!



  141.  #141Lila on February 28, 2014 at 3:40 pm

    {{{Andrea}}}, thank you so much for your Angry Woman post. You have no idea how much I needed to read that. (Signing up just to respond.) I had to stop contact with my entire family after I finally realized how hard I was STILL trying to earn the love of people who abused me (and I am in my 50s!).

    Be angry when you need to be. Be soft when you need to be. This is a damn hard life when it’s not being a beautiful life. Right now I just have my cats in my life, but getting ready to start online dating after ending a 27 year relationship.



  142.  #142Dominique on March 4, 2014 at 11:24 am

    Audrey – 140 – You cannot be responsible for another’s pain and processing. Only he can heal this. Only he can get his life back in order.

    And as difficult as this might feel, you have to take care of you. And this looks like filling your life up with activities and hobbies you love, which make you FEEL something, passion even. It also looks like taking exquisite care of YOU, daily rituals to awaken sensuality and lusciousness and thus love in you and for you. It also looks like being with people who make you smile.

    You cans still listen to him IF it feels good to you.

    xxoo



  143.  #143Caz on March 18, 2014 at 5:34 am

    Before I ask for advice, is this the right place to talk about so called friends with benefits?



  144.  #144Femininewoman on March 18, 2014 at 12:18 pm

    It is Caz