How A Simple Attitude Shift Can Change A Man On The Spot

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Here’s a great example from Robin about how our attitudes can make all the difference:

Hi Rori,

I have been working with your ebook. You will be so proud (I hope!).

I met a guy (one of many I hope to come I hope) online. As my photo’s are set to private and I only share them when I might be interested, I sent him what was essentially a wink. Knowing I had made what could be seen as the first move (but in real life would have been a playful smile), I took a step back. I wrote to him when he wrote to me and tried to mirror his interest (quite tough, as I am a talker).

Anyway, he said he would like to have dinner and put his number on the email. I replied the next day saying that it sounded good and put my number on the email. He sent me a text that night and the next day. I responded and then I think he tried to pull a fast one and go ‘girl’ on me. He sent me a text saying he was hungry and tired and “would I like to come and watch him eat?”

I read it and was puzzled. I know he meant to be funny but this is not a 1st date that I can even dream of accepting – an unplanned shared side corner kebab? And so I went silent. I ran a bath and decided that he was not serious and I don’t have time for such.

Within 2 hrs he called and acted as one would expect – spending time trying to get to know me and what I like.

I spoke with a guy friend about this and he seems to think that he now not only knows that I won’t be party to such silliness/disrespect (I’m not high maintenance but this chap has never met me; it would have been a first date) but also that I am not going to say yes to a date just like that…

The best thing about all of this is, I really feel like even if that’s not what he learnt, I am not attached to the outcome.

I hope I’m doing well. I just had a thought that while this seems like progress to me, you might think “funny girl! you should have done this other thing instead.” oh well!

Lots of love and gratitude,

Robin”

My Answer:

Here’s the major thing I see here…and that is the value of small steps.

Okay, we could hold out for some major development of relationship…but that kind of “agenda” is what gets us into trouble.

Here – what Robin did was pull herself together in the moment.

She took a bath.

She went “silent” – which is a lovely way to take a breath and step back – and she worked to maintain an attitude that WASN”T about HIM!

She didn’t go to “Oh, what a jerk he is!” and get all resentful and huffy about it.

Then – he came to his senses and tried a bit harder – AND she was warm, open, and appreciated his effort, and what she’d done to allow that to happen.

And it was only a phone call. Simple. One baby-step was the bath. Another was not going down the rabbit hole of how jerky men are and all that…

Another was allowing him to call, to talk with her. And – as Robin says – sharing herself so he could “get to know me and what I like.”

And allowing a man to get to know you and what you like is a majestic thing.

Letting him know what you like – in Feeling Messages of course – is a major way to BE – instead of trying to dig into HIM with anything but curiosity.

I say Brava to Robin.

See if you can find the power of these small steps and discover what YOUR small steps are.

Don’t go for the end result.

Don’t go for even ANY result.

Just go for the baby-step, the Tool that will make you feel good in the moment, make you feel strong, make you feel happy, make it so you can maintain an attitude that things are right with the world and that you’re on the right track.

This is just so DO-ABLE!

Love, Rori

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1 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on January 13, 2011 at 7:43 am

    I feel strong, I feel happy. Baby stepping my way to my happiness.



  2.  #2Laura on January 13, 2011 at 8:54 am

    How can you learn about a man you are interested without being forward and asking him about himself. I feel like I have made men angry simply by asking “So, what did you do today?” as if that is too invasive? When I am interested in someone, I’m curious about their lives and their friends, their family, their interests. How can you not use your masculine energy and still have a conversation?! I can’t just make every sentence I say be “I feel…” if I spoke only in feeling messages, a man would surely be like…”um ok I get it.. you feel… soo can we have a real conversation now?”



  3.  #3Simply Shannon on January 13, 2011 at 9:16 am

    Laura, I used to believe this too. Then I tried using feeling messages. I feel MORE connected with a man this way. I realize now that when I didn’t share my feelings, I could literally walk away from the conversation and not remember it at all. Nothing about it felt important, just information exchange. That the conversation could have been held with ANYONE and not this man in particular. Make sense?

    Hi. I’m Shannon. What do you do? Oh wow. I’m a project manager at a large company.

    versus…

    Hi. I’m Shannon. I feel happy being here with you today. (silence; smile; patiently wait and allow him to lead the conversation)

    Him: So what do you do?

    Me: My job feels boring right now. I’m a project manager at a large company. (silence; smile; patiently wait and allow him to lead the conversation)

    And on and on and on…

    It’s the difference between saying “I have 2 children” and saying “I feel so much love for my 2 children” or “I feel overwhelmed caring for my 2 children”. Can you see how I’m giving more of myself when I say how I feel about what could be a simple fact?

    Try it. You will likely feel very surprised by the outcome. It feels sooo much easier. It’s the newness of it that feels scary.



  4.  #4Laura on January 13, 2011 at 10:12 am

    Wow… you are right. You are opening up about yourself versus just stating a boring fact…

    This is what I need… literally word for word examples because this is SO different from the way I talk now.

    I am feeling guilty for the way I judge myself and others in my everyday life and conversations.

    The way I speak… it is like I am judging my own feelings constantly and like I’ve read on this website… it is like I can’t separate my actual feelings from my judgments about my feelings.

    I also feel bad about taking what a guy says, making a judgement about it in my head, and then commenting from the perspective about that judgement.



  5.  #5Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 10:17 am

    Hello, world. I am thankful for today.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  6.  #6Simply Shannon on January 13, 2011 at 10:23 am

    Laura, Forgive yourself for those judgments! Maybe try flipping the “judgment” word in your mind and replace it with “curiosity” instead. Instead of “I feel judgmental”, try out “I feel uncomfortable with this but curious to hear more in order to understand you better”.

    Words look like…

    “Hmm… when you say XYZ, I feel weird/uncomfortable and curious about what you mean. It would feel good to know more. What do you think?”

    Or “That feels weird/bad to hear. When you say XYZ, the story I’m telling myself is that you’re ABC. Is that what you mean?”

    Bottomline, instead of judging feelings as “bad” or “wrong”, maybe go for curious, i.e. why do I feel a certain way. Feelings are not wrong. They just are.



  7.  #7Femininewoman on January 13, 2011 at 10:28 am

    I also find that when I ask myself what am I feeling before speaking it is easier for me to find some feeling messages, maybe imperfect, but it clears the way for me to at least try to speak that way. It is very unusual for me also but I find men, even in the workplace literally jump up, or stand up and even want to hug me when I speak like that.



  8.  #8Turtle Girl on January 13, 2011 at 10:31 am

    Laura-

    Oh honey we have all done this! We have all been there. This blog is about learning and sharing and making baby steps like RR says and coming in to an newer, better way of relating to everyone, no just men.

    But it does impact our personal lives with men a lot.
    You say yo judge yourself, so of course you are going to judge others! I do this too. It has been one of the most important things I have had to work on.
    NOT MAKING MEN WRONG. Even if they are, and to be sure they are many times, it is about how we respond and what we do with it.

    I so love the input on this blog. Whoever Robin is did great! She nailed it.

    SS did a wonderful response in #3. The difference is STARK and noticeable immediately! You go SS!



  9.  #9Turtle Girl on January 13, 2011 at 10:37 am

    My biggest problem with all this today is that I am still sometimes frozen in the moment. In other words somethings gets said that needs a “feeling response” from me. But It takes me till later that evening or maybe even a day or two later to really recognize what it was I was feeling when __XXX___was said by him.

    I want to go back and say “oh by the way remember when we were talking about XXX? Well I have been thinking about that and at the time I felt _XXX______.”

    But it seems weird to to that. Feelings should be at the moment in context. But then maybe I am being too hard on myself just like Laura is. This is all practice with men anyway, with no attachment to outcome.



  10.  #10Laura on January 13, 2011 at 10:40 am

    I also have sooo much trouble not immediately getting “invested in the outcome.”

    Even if I tell myself as much as possible
    “He is just one person”
    “you don’t even know if he can give you what you actually want”
    “you don’t even want him to be responsible for giving you what you want”
    “YOU want to give you what you want”

    is feels like an addiction. If I feel interest for a guy it is really scary because I want so badly a good outcome. Maybe that is ok? Maybe a good outcome could be being with him if he is good for me and not being with him if he is bad for me. No matter the logic I can’t help but feel upset if I am rejected.



  11.  #11Laura on January 13, 2011 at 10:42 am

    Haha i literally just tried this. A guy asked me what I do and i said “i’m a nurse and I love it” and he said “you say I love it as if I said otherwise. I’m not doubting you.”

    Hahah I just responded “Haha no I’m just saying how I feel”

    I feel like this way of talking is awkward!



  12.  #12Femininewoman on January 13, 2011 at 10:50 am

    Yay Laura babystepping your way. It is awkward but for me using it on guys I am not interested in is really helping me to feel comfortable talking like that. It feels thrilling to me just to try because I want to change my very masculine history and re-present myself to the world as a real girl. I feel so ecstatic about feeling like a girl. I have wanted to deeply surrender for years and this feels like deeply surrendering to who I really am as I unpeel the layers of masks that I have been wearing. When I first read Dr. Paul Dobransky’s writing I was convinced that I was a warrior by nature but as I really explored myself I realized it was just a mask I had developed as a part of my defensive arsenal of taking care of myself. I really hate the warrior mask which has left me with baggage even in the workplace. I feel so happy really feeling and talking about my feelings because it feels so natural when I can really do and see results right in front of me. Yayy me.



  13.  #13Femininewoman on January 13, 2011 at 10:52 am

    I am really feeling gratitude to Rori for her work and this space where I can practice developing the personality that I really like and I feel really resonates deeply inside with who I am.



  14.  #14Laura on January 13, 2011 at 10:58 am

    Oh Femininewoman, that gradtitude is exactly what I’m feeling. Except, I am so used to beating myself up mentally that even though I am excited to use this as a tool to help myself, I felt guilty for even troubling you all with my posts! Whennnn will I stop being so hard on myself?



  15.  #15Femininewoman on January 13, 2011 at 10:59 am

    Some Christian Carter Advice to the Friends with Benefits situation that I wish I knew earlier in my life and that I feel might help Meemee.

    RADICALLY REJECT BEHAVIOR THAT DOESN’T MEET
    YOUR STANDARDS

    But if you look deeper, you’ll probably see
    that your desire for something more was there all
    along underneath the surface. Therefore, I doubt
    that you could have been “just friends” with him
    anyway, even if you never slept together, without
    you feeling gypped in some way.

    That’s why you have to show a man that you’re
    strong and you know what you want, and you won’t
    settle for scraps or second-best or “good enough
    for now.”

    My favorite way of thinking about how to do
    this, is to be like a “velvet hammer.”

    Be strong and assertive, but warm and gentle at
    the same time.

    Say, “I really like you. Probably too much to
    be JUST friends. This is why I’m not sure we
    should continue this situation unless you feel the
    same way.”

    If you can say this in a way that doesn’t
    include BLAME or guilt or pressure from you, the
    response a man will give will be MAGICAL.

    He’ll open up and meet you at the level of
    honesty and respect you’re coming at him with.

    And as tough and as “bitchy” or self-centered
    doing this might sound right now, this is exactly
    what you need to say to a man if you really want
    something more with him.

    And doing this, and only this, can get you out
    of your “friends with benefits” situation and into
    a great relationship.

    But you might be thinking – WHY does this kind
    of language work with a man?

    Because it sends a strong SUBCONSCIOUS signal
    to a man that the woman is in CONTROL of her life
    and her world.

    There’s nothing that triggers more intense
    “long-term” attraction in a healthy and mature
    man, than a woman who he CAN’T control and doesn’t
    get thrown off-center when her needs aren’t met.

    Using the “velvet hammer” also has another
    AMAZING benefit that women don’t often
    recognize… or they don’t even see as a benefit
    at first.

    It WEEDS OUT the guys who DO need to go away
    because they’re never going to get their act
    together in the first place, or just don’t want
    to.



  16.  #16Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 11:01 am

    @11: Laura

    I love being a nurse in/at/for_______!

    SLV



  17.  #17Femininewoman on January 13, 2011 at 11:05 am

    Where is this guilt coming from? Why am I feeling guilty for reaching for help? Do I believe that I am not worthy for some reason? I am curious about my guilt? These are questions I would ask myself Laura as part of my learning the Rori Raye way. Remember if you are this way in this relationship you are the same in “the” relationship and it might cause men to play on this guilt so you end up feeling responsible for taking care of them and rowing the boat of the relationship. What do you think?



  18.  #18Jas on January 13, 2011 at 11:09 am

    This post is very timely for me, as I woke up this morning feeling very disappointed in myself and confused. Maybe someone can offer some insight? Here’s what happened: Last night I had my 2nd date with a guy. On the first date we went to a bar near my area and had some wine. We had a lovely time. He paid. Then he called me a week later for a 2nd date, he wanted to take me for dinner. I accepted and we went out last night. It was a rustic French restaurant, very nice, and kind of expensive. In fact, I was so uncomfortable about the price of the menu that I didn’t even order an entree, I just got a small plate&appetizer. He ordered an entree and also some wine and dessert. We had a lovely time. Then he suggested we go to a pub around the corner before we part ways. I agree. He pays for our 2 drinks. We sit and have great conversation. Then once his beer is empty, he starts telling this story about how has has friends that never pay for anything when they go out and they keep expecting you to buy all the rounds of drinks. I listen and laugh at his story. But then he KEEPS GOING on with the story and saying yes, he bought his friends dinner and drinks and they don’t reciprocate, they’re just being cheap,blah,blah,blah. I suddenly become painfully aware of the hint that he’s dropping. I now see he is expecting me to pay for another round of drinks. I feel stressed because I know Rori talks about not giving back in that way. Also it only our SECOND DATE!! In response to his story I say to him that maybe his “friend” could view his behavior as passive aggressive and why even buy a round of drinks if that’s what you’re expecting? Just buy your drink alone. I excuse myself and go to the restroom&I take my cell with me so I can check my bank account…I have $20 in my account…sigh. So, I go back to the table and say to him, Um, you want another drink? Hey smiles and says yes, and just sits there. I walk over and get drinks, bring them back and we continue on to a different subject. I put my put my feelings aside for the moment and just continue have a great conversation with him. But when I get home I feel AWFUL. I feel like I failed Rori’s program in some way, but I didn’t know how to refuse to buy him a drink. I also feel guilty because I know the dinner was really expensive, but he didn’t have to pick THAT restaurant. We could have gone somewhere cheaper. I’m not picky. I guess I need to know how I could have done things differently? And how I can stop feeling like a failure today. I kinda don’t even want him to call me again if it’s going to be me having to pay sometimes. I don’t want to feel like the “man”. I don’t like it. Any suggestions?



  19.  #19Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 11:21 am

    Jas, I feel awful reading about your date’s behavior… But in the spirit of Rori’s new post – you took a wonderful babystep of Noticing how you felt in such circumstances! You are now clarifying your boundaries for yourself and feeling your feelings! Great job!



  20.  #20Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 11:27 am

    @18: Jas
    “…So, I go back to the table and say to him, Um, you want another drink? Hey smiles and says yes, and just sits there. I walk over and get drinks, bring them back and we continue on to a different subject. I put my put my feelings aside for the moment and just continue have a great conversation with him. But when I get home I feel AWFUL…”

    Jas, I’d feel awfull too. I’m sorry I don’t have a good response for you but I’m keeping my eye on responses for this situation. In the meantime I will ponder it and see what I can come up with. I believe the sirens will do better than I can. As I am fairly sure my response would not be wonderful and I would want to dump the guy.

    In this situation I would feel uncomfortable and put upon if a man said those things to me especially as you said he went “on and on” about it.

    It was not a gauche accident as he sat and watched you get and pay for a round of drinks. Second date too! And he proposed going to the pub; it’s *HIS* invitation. Kind of yucky I think.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  21.  #21Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 11:30 am

    Thinking about how I might have handled that situation… I might’ve looked surprised and amused and said, “Wow. I feel amused.” (one of my genuine feelings – Rori says you don’t need to share All of the feelings when you’re feeling a bunch at once. Maybe I would’ve said “I feel awful. I don’t want to pay on dates the way I would if I was out with a friend.”)



  22.  #22Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 11:35 am

    @21 Lucy
    “>>’Wow. I feel amused.’ (one of my genuine feelings – Rori says you don’t need to share All of the feelings when you’re feeling a bunch at once…”

    Yeah, thinking about some guys I’m feeling “amused-er and amused-er” …
    😆

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  23.  #23tinque on January 13, 2011 at 11:48 am

    Jas – Whoa…You did nothing wrong. I’m sorry but I have little patience for anyone who would exhibit such as you put it, passive aggressive behavior.

    Has asked you out. He pays. He chose the expensive restaurant, so not you problem. If he feel put upon, too bad.

    I posted about this recently. I asked K about this very same thing, and he said just as I said here, a man asks you out, he pays, not that I had any doubt, but I wanted a man’s view.

    When we first went out, I felt exactly like you did. When I offered to help with the check, he gave me this look that said, “what??? of course not.”.

    If something like this happens again, sit there and nod at the story or implications, but DO NOT offer to pay.

    I would say this is a great way to weed out the men you really don’t want around you.
    xxoo



  24.  #24Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 11:49 am

    My favorite part of what Rori said here is this:

    ‘She didn’t go to “Oh, what a jerk he is!” and get all resentful and huffy about it.’

    I am really getting this one down. Blaming the man doesn’t help me or him or the situation or relationship — and certainly doesn’t lead to me “having the relationship I want.”



  25.  #25Femininewoman on January 13, 2011 at 11:50 am

    Jas when I was a masculine woman I would insist on paying now I know better so I don’t. The last time I was on a date he had to pull into a gas station and he asked me openly to pay for the gas. I just sat there silently even though he suggested 3 times. He grumbled a bit about the bank only allowing $75 at a time at the gas station so we went into talking about the bank because we use the same one. I was thinking you invited me so you should have filled your tank before coming but I didn’t say it. When he got out to fill it he said I should pump the gas. I called him, he came to the driver’s door but I told him to come around. He came over even though it felt to me like he was obeying like a little boy. I touched him on his forearm and said these strong muscles can more than pump gas. He giggled pleasantly and chided with me a little bit then went over the pump the gas. I felt he was really pleased and that he was feeling like a young again (big and invincible). The night went really well just that she shared about another woman he had a sexual fling with on the same beach we were at and I point blank told him that was not going to happen here. That night in retrospect, I totally leaned back and followed his lead. He shared some intimate details about his life that night and his struggles with family, but this is someone I have known for years that I am trying to rekindle a romantic relationship with. I must have made some mistakes but I really did not care about the outcome that night even though I was really excited to see him.

    I felt bad reading your post and I thought I would have indicated to him that the dinner was quite enough and I am full. Though some would say that I should allow him to provide for me as far as the drinks go. However, the lesson he taught you I feel, is that you might be susceptible to manipulative men. Or that your pattern of being with a man is based somehow in guilt. If you guilt yourself for stuff unconsciously I am now learning that you will attract someone to beat you up with the guilt. It is great that you are noticing how you felt and are able to put it in words. That to me is actually passing Rori’s tools because you want to be aware not necessarily get everything perfect. You cannot fail because it is practice and learning. You not wanting him to call you again might just cause him to actually cause. It would be great to really obsess over him calling again to see if the psychic energy will hit and cause him to withdraw. I hate to say this but he knew what he was doing but complaining like that. He knew from a pschological standpoint that telling stories to someone that their mind automatically translates the story as personal. Is this a master of mind games I wonder? It might be great if you set your intention of never paying again and be prepared for the mind game if he calls you again so you can prepare to verbalize how badly you felt about him suggesting that you pay. What do you care if he gets mad and withdraws, you don’t want to continue dating him now do you? Remember Rori wrote that men who want to take from us will show up as frogs that we can practice on. If a man is a giver we turn him off by giving to him. This might be one of your frogs that is showing you how you turn great men off. To me this is a great lesson for me.



  26.  #26Turtle Girl on January 13, 2011 at 11:50 am

    Ok am I missing something here?

    Saying “I love being as nurse or whatever is not a feeling message.

    We love lots of stuff, but that does not say how we feel about it.

    How does being nurse make you feel?

    I am a nurse, and it’s such a fulfilling job because I get great satifaction on so many levels when I help people get well. It makes me feel so good that I have made a big difference in other peoples lifes when they are so vulnerable being sick”.

    Or something like that? I don’t know. I am winging it. It’s just that “I love” doesn’t feel that a feeling message to me any more that ” I hate” does.

    Why do we hate something? Because it makes us feel betrayed, small, humiliated, insignificant, angry or some other horrible feeling.

    See I can easily bring up bad “feelings” and have more trouble with the “good ones” Like joy, wonder, excitement, safety, etc…..still learning…..xxoo



  27.  #27Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 11:52 am

    “If something like this happens again, sit there and nod at the story or implications, but DO NOT offer to pay.” (Tinque)

    Yes, I thought I might do this too (sit and nod) — and I would have an impish smile on my face. 😀



  28.  #28Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 11:52 am

    (which my daughter calls my “troublemaker smile.” :D)



  29.  #29Mercedes on January 13, 2011 at 11:52 am

    Rori: I love this part…”One baby-step was the bath. Another was not going down the rabbit hole of how jerky men are and all that…

    Another was allowing him to call, to talk with her. And – as Robin says – sharing herself so he could “get to know me and what I like.” ”

    It sounds like the perfect steps to take from my perspective too.

    Jas: I can’t stand it when a guy “hints” at things like that so I’d probably ask him direct: “Are you asking me to buy you a drink? I’m checking because I want to clarify, YOU called and ask ME out tonight, right?”

    Of course that same man would probably never call me again, but at least I wouldn’t have to worry about whether or not I would be buying any future beverages for him. lol

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  30.  #30Turtle Girl on January 13, 2011 at 11:53 am

    Jas#18

    Icky! Run away! Very passive/agressive stuff!



  31.  #31Femininewoman on January 13, 2011 at 11:55 am

    “Why do we hate something? Because it makes us feel betrayed, small, humiliated, insignificant, angry or some other horrible feeling.” Thanks Turtle Girl I used to say hate a lot, I even still think it now even though I tell my kids that is a strong emotion that they should avoid using.



  32.  #32Lynn on January 13, 2011 at 11:55 am

    Rori,
    I came across your blog about three months ago and have been amazed with your dead-on advice. It has helped me immensely even in this short period of time.
    I hope this is the right avenue to seek you out for some perspective on my latest love life situation. This post was excellent to read – “baby steps” are my No. 1 priority right now as I jump back into the dating game after about a 10-month hiatus (recovering from last breakup).
    The situation:
    I recently met a man who, right off the bat, made me feel confident and sexy – more so than anyone else I have dated the past few months. The night I met him, he said things to me that I loved to hear, such as, “you are amazing. you’re different. i think we have a chance.” He also said things to me that implied that I would likely be his future girlfriend, and he talked of several activities we would do together.
    I felt a spark, I felt wanted, and I wanted that feeling to continue. I didn’t even want to acknowlege that perhaps this guy was pushing things a little too quickly.
    We had two dates, both of which I allowed myself to be open with him, and allowed some physical intimacy as well, though we did not have sex.
    On the second date, I still found him to be attractive, but the chemistry didn’t feel as strong. There was a little bit more of getting to know each other on the surface, but not a lot of “spark,” even about those things we have in common.
    While the physical attraction was definitely there for both of us, I still was not sure he was right for me – but I knew I enjoyed being around him, so I was open to another date, which we agreed we would have.
    But before that next date would happen, he told me he would be “out of commission” for the following week, with friends in town. I thought that was a little weird (surely we would text a little bit, right?), but I knew the best thing to do to make him feel safe around me was to smile, say OK, that’s a long time but we can manage that, right? And Lean Back for a week. And I did. He heard nothing from me. I heard nothing from him.
    Well, add to this situation that his visitor turned out to be a woman from another state.I found out about this through an online networking site; he didn’t tell me about her. While I do not know the whole story, obviously, it seemed to be, based on what I saw, that they have had something going on long distance for about two years. She appeared to be very into him; he appeared to be pretty elusive about it, but attentive to her online.
    At first, I didn’t get mad when I saw this. Honestly, my thought was, who knows where this girl stands in his life. This could be a case of bad timing and he doesn’t want to hurt either of us. Clearly, they had this trip planned before he met me. I just have to stay on my own course, do my own thing, and he’ll come back around. I’ll know what I need to know when the right time comes.
    But by the time the week of her visit was over, I found myself panicking. I started to feel like I needed to do something to grab his attention at the end of the week and remind him that I’m still here. I found myself afraid to lose him, and struggled to remind myself that I have my own unique, cool thing going on, and he would be a fool not to remember that and want to be a part of it. It all became about HIM, and I ended up reaching out to him (a big no-no for you, I know.)
    While he responded sweetly, he did not mention the plans for us that he had talked about on our last date, so neither did I. Needless to say, the flirtation and interest between us fizzled in that conversation, and two days went by without us hearing anything from each other.
    In all of this, I was reminded of two past experiences with men (both years ago). One was very similar in the aspect of there being another girl in the (distant) picture (and that past guy ended up marrying her). The other was a man I was hot with for about a month, and then he fell off the planet – stopped calling, wouldn’t even look at me when I saw him out in public, acted like we didn’t know each other. Both of these men were people I felt confident and sexy around right off the bat – and both people who seemed VERY into me when we were together – but in the end I was the one feeling really badly about myself.
    Much of the same feelings came up with this new man – afraid to lose him before I was ready to and anxious about the potential need to compete with someone else.
    Because of what I remember from these past experiences, and because of how worried I was that I was becoming attached to this new man without knowing him very well at all, I decided to cut off contact with him completely – deleted him from my social networking contacts and deleted him out of my cell phone. I felt like it was all I could do to protect myself, even though I know you have said in a previous post that we should never feel like we need to DO something to find closure.
    I still think about him (it has been a week since I “virtually” dumped him) and wonder if I made the completely wrong move by doing this – I feel like I just pushed him away and forced him to leave me alone, whether he wanted to or not.
    I felt compelled to seek your perspective on this one because I’m struggling to find the “lesson” from this man, and how I could better maneuver my behavior in this type of situation in the future. Also, how does a woman know if her toxic feelings from past similar situations stem from fear, or stem from educated judgment?
    OR, do you (or anyone in the comments) think what I did was actually on the right track, to walk away from someone who brings up toxic feelings, and finally change the course for myself?
    Thank you for taking the time to read this!



  33.  #33Femininewoman on January 13, 2011 at 11:56 am

    How about “I am a nurse and I feel passionate about it because I feel like I help the vulnerable”.



  34.  #34tinque on January 13, 2011 at 11:57 am

    Turtle Girl –
    “How does being nurse make you feel?”

    I am a nurse, and it feels so good helping others get well. I feel great satisfaction having the opportunity to make a difference each and every day. I feel honored being a part of someone’s extreme vulnerability.

    Does any of this resonate?
    xxoo



  35.  #35Daria on January 13, 2011 at 11:58 am

    Jas rori talks about talking with the man in this situation

    That migh look like…

    Ohh this feels weird… I dont feel comfortable payinh on a date… What do u think?

    Brave yes but open and im used to it now



  36.  #36Laura on January 13, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    Check it out. Ladies… I may be consulting you quite frequently if that’s ok.

    I got asked on a date. The guy said “we should do something” so I said “well then what would that something be?” He said “I don’t know. A drink? coffee? movie? party? frolic in the park? I said “I believe i would enjoy that” He said “all of it?” and I said “well of course!” and he said “you have to pick one. do so wisely” and I said “well i’d feel happy doing any of those things. you asked, you pick” and he said “dammit i suck at decisions and being the man of these things” and i said “well unfortunately (or fortunately?) i’m not a man sooo…” and he said “oooook… coffee next week? THE coffee shop” referring to the coffee shop on seinfeld, a favorite TV show of both of ours.

    This was good right?!?! I leaned back and he actually came up with a very personal date for us!



  37.  #37Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    @25: Femininewoman says:

    “…Or that your pattern of being with a man is based somehow in guilt. If you guilt yourself for stuff unconsciously I am now learning that you will attract someone to beat you up with the guilt…”

    In my own case, when undesirable guys show up it’s not me doing the “doing” and putting them there. They show up by themselves. Why wouldn’t they? I’m extremely attractive. But it’s up to me determine which guys I am attracted to, which guys I am open to and which guys I allow to stay.

    And I’m learning what else to do with them during the stay…
    😀

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  38.  #38Femininewoman on January 13, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    SLV “But it’s up to me determine which guys I am attracted to” I am curious as to how feelings work with attraction. Is it my feelings that cause me to feel attraction or do I decide that? How do I determine that?



  39.  #39Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    @26: Turtle Girl says:
    “…Ok am I missing something here?
    Saying “I love being as nurse or whatever is not a feeling message…”?

    In my case only, I guess I’m missing another period. 😀

    “I love being a nurse.” Plus next sentence… Etc etc etc etc is added conversation.

    I would say this but of course nobody else might, only, IMVHO, me, this is what *I* would say during a conversation because this is what would feel comfortable to me.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  40.  #40Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    I’m not a nurse but sister is but doesn’t work ‘as nurse’.

    SLV



  41.  #41Meemee on January 13, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    Sirens
    MOMENT OF TRUTH!!!
    Chocolate man talked to me today. many things. I knows it was X. I didnt have to tell him.
    and he told me he knows and many others in the office know that X is having an affair with a married friend of him!!
    How true you all were.
    That explains many things
    Not that I am worried about it now. It is over. I am already done with him. But the news was a revelation!!!!

    Meemee



  42.  #42Jas on January 13, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    Wow…thanks for all the great suggestions everyone. I’m going to try and use some of these in the future. I guess in the future, I could not allow myself be “guilt-ed” into doing something I don’t feel comfortable doing. This has been a pattern for me in the past, so it’s something to look at.

    Tinque&Lucy – I like your suggestion about just nodding at the story but not offering to pay.

    Daria – I think it would have been awkward for me to say “I don’t feel comfortable paying on a date” to him because he didn’t outright “ask” me to pay…he just told that passive aggressive story about his “friend”. But, to that end I could have done what
    Mercedes #29 suggested and said “…are you asking me to buy you a drink..?” LOL I would have loved to say that! But sometimes it’s hard for me to be that brave and truthful about uncomfortable things with guys ESPECIALLY when I think they were “nice” to me in some way…ie buying dinner. It’s easier for me to be blunt when they haven’t really been “nice” at all. Then I can say whatever is on my mind. You all have really helped me look at this in a different way. Instead of feeling bad about myself, now I have LEARNED something about myself, that I can use as tool. Next time this happens I will have more tools to use. YAY!! thanks



  43.  #43Meemee on January 13, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    Chocolate man said sorry if he let me down by hanging out with X and his friends. But he said he understands my pain (whatever that means).
    He talked to me for a long time.
    Meemee



  44.  #44Turtle Girl on January 13, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    SLV-
    Oh I get what you are saying. I do.

    It’s just that since my time on this blog I have changed. The old ways of speaking and such are starting to feel weird to me now. I am wanting to learn to connect by using a many feeling words as I can and get to a much deeper level quicker and faster with my own ability to express my feelings with others and not be at all embarrassed or ashamed about that.

    Tinque-
    Your take on it was a bit better. Yes, resonated a bit clearer. I have printed out a list of feelins from online and am working on using them in my day to day convos with others. xxoo



  45.  #45Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 12:27 pm

    @27: Lucy says:
    “Yes, I thought I might do this too (sit and nod) — and I would have an impish smile on my face. ..”

    And, you know me, don’t you know me by now…?
    😉 …

    I would add little embellishing questions to the “story” being told, slightly naughty ones… but I didn’t want to say that…and there are other naughtier things once the guy has announced his disinterest by his performance.

    But I’m trying to learn nicer stuff… 😛 such as NOT paying for the entire evening…

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  46.  #46Meemee on January 13, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    Sirens
    Thanks.
    Thanks a heap.
    I am happy I dropped X out of my life.
    I am happy I broke with him
    I am happy i am done with him
    I am happy you are here to cheer me through my decision.
    I AM GRATEFUL
    i say this with tears
    I am grateful
    Thank you
    Meemee



  47.  #47Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    @43: Turtle Girl

    Oh. OK. Good luck with that.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  48.  #48Femininewoman on January 13, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    Meemee what a relief. I am sure now you feel strong and more confident in relying on your feelings. This is a great revelation.



  49.  #49Meemee on January 13, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    I should have dropped him months back. years back. like a hot potato.
    You were so right. He is sleeping with many women. even married ones and being friend’s with their husbands.
    GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    who did i sleep with all these years!!!
    meemee



  50.  #50Meemee on January 13, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    I am not surprised.
    But i feel a shock!!!
    Meemee



  51.  #51Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    @Meemee

    LonePlum and I are not surprised. I hope things are going well with you.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  52.  #52Femininewoman on January 13, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    Meemee sink into the feeling, you will get over it. Just put a stake in the ground to always take care of yourself and put yourself above and before anyone.



  53.  #53Meemee on January 13, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    I want to jump up and down.
    I am happy
    i am happy
    i am happy
    meemee



  54.  #54Femininewoman on January 13, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    Meemee you are such a sweet girl. I really feel your joy vibrating across the oceans.



  55.  #55Meemee on January 13, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    SLV, Femininewoman, Brenda,Jenifer, Loneplum Honey and others who warned me this
    YOU WERE RIGHT
    I was too naive to not see this.
    I was so foolish to miss this
    But I feel relived
    truly truly relievd
    I can trust my feelings
    my feelings are true
    they tell me the truth
    nothing but the truth

    LOVE YOU ALL
    Meemee



  56.  #56Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    Meemee,

    I feel smiley. I feel grateful for all the women who have helped you.

    You are a beautiful bird who has finally flown out of her cage. You are free to fly all over creation now.

    <3
    Lucy



  57.  #57Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    I love this, Meemee:

    “I can trust my feelings
    my feelings are true
    they tell me the truth
    nothing but the truth”

    Yes.



  58.  #58Laughing Goddess on January 13, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    I love this article from the Inner Bonding website!!!!

    The Miracle of Letting Go of My Stories
    By Phyllis Stein
    November 19, 2010

    The stories we tell ourselves have enormous power to keep us unhappy and disconnected. The truth is that the truth will set you free.
    I have written many columns about the importance of our stories (including, as I discovered looking back over the list, one literally entitled “The Importance of Our Stories.”) I have written about how the story that I was telling myself that I had failed God’s test kept me from connecting with God’s love.  I have written about how the story I told my little girl that something bad was happening to my ex-husband kept her in despair, etc.  I have written about letting go of victimhood. You would think, I would think, I had really gotten it.  But  in the Inner Bonding process, we do get it until we get to the NEXT level. 
     
    This past summer, I let go of two of my biggest stories ever.  They concerned the end of my marriage, fuel for many of my columns.  The first story that I told myself and others over and over was that I was married and was supposed to stay that way, and that another woman who used to be my friend suddenly destroyed my marriage and ended up with my husband.  In that story I was the victim and something terrible happened to me.  The second story was that even if my husband and I were supposed to split up, because in fact we were completely stuck, it should not have happened THAT way.  We should have had the chance to fight for our marriage and take it down “naturally.”
     
                I will not bore you with how I got there except to say that at least part of me really did want to let go of these stories but did not know how. One day it suddenly no longer mattered who did what to whom.  I saw that each of us played our role in a drama that had happened.  Each of us saw exactly what we wanted to see at the time, including me.  Each of us was acting from our woundedness and perhaps from our destiny.  I was no longer a victim, just someone playing my part equally with everyone else.  That alone was huge.  But the biggest revelation came immediately after that.  It was this. If what I really wanted more than anything was to grow spiritually and emotionally (true), there was no reason for my husband and me to stay married ANOTHER MINUTE because I was not growing anymore and would not grow until I got out of that system.  More than that, the stress of the marriage would have destroyed my health.
     
                So, in an instant, I completely let go of these stories.  You know the expression “carrying that cross?”  Well, I had been carrying a heavy cross and I did not even know how heavy it had been.  The physical relief of letting go of the stories, of no longer feeling like a victim, of no longer blaming anyone was unbelievable!  I had no idea how continuously the stories were affecting my life.  I have written about the friendship that has grown between my ex and me, but now it is no problem for me to be around both of them.  There is no longer a story to cause me pain.
     
      So, I was asking myself, have I replaced my stories with better stories?  Yes, in the sense that I told myself something else, but no, this is different.  What is different is that actually there is no story running in my head about these things.  I think that is what happened, instantly, when I told myself the true story.  In the presence of the truth, the story stopped completely and I was left feeling peaceful and deeply changed.  I notice this more and more.  As I continue to do Inner Bonding, my mind gets quieter and quieter as the stories drop out.  
    As I write this I notice that there has been an amazing trade off.   I know that people often use meditation techniques to quiet their minds so that they can connect with spirit but I could never do that for very long or very well.  I felt vaguely inadequate about that.  But now, as I let go of my stories, a quiet mind has become more automatic.  In this quiet state, surprisingly, without my having to do anything, the connection just happens.  I guess spirit was talking to me all along, but the telling of the stories made too much noise.  



  59.  #59Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    @37: Femininewoman says:
    “…SLV “But it’s up to me determine which guys I am attracted to” I am curious as to how feelings work with attraction. Is it my feelings that cause me to feel attraction or do I decide that? …”

    I can only speak for myself. I don’t know what kinds of things you find attractive in a man, or what kind of relationship you are seeking.

    There is chemistry but I don’t believe I can rely on that alone to build attraction for me so that I can have the relationship I want. I believe Rori talks about attraction building over time for women and it doesn’t have to be instant.

    This is where I am right now; I’m still learning. What do you think?

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  60.  #60Mercedes on January 13, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    Jas: “…are you asking me to buy you a drink..?” LOL I would have loved to say that! But sometimes it’s hard for me to be that brave and truthful about uncomfortable things with guys ESPECIALLY when I think they were “nice” to me in some way…ie buying dinner.”

    Ok…well you could say “are you asking me to buy you a drink?” and then tip your head to the left, smile sweetly and wink. Then wait. If he’s brave enough to say “yes” after that then you can be brave enough to say “wow. that’s never happened to me before. all my other dates like to treat me when they ask me out.”

    And subtly…he’ll know he didn’t quite manage to step up…and he’ll know that other men are…and he’ll know he lost. 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  61.  #61Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    Hehe, there’s a song playing on the radio now: “She can wear the pants as long as I can take ’em off her.” Lol.



  62.  #62Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    @59: Mercedes says:
    ‘Ok…well you could say “are you asking me to buy you a drink?” and then tip your head to the left, smile sweetly and wink. Then wait. If he’s brave enough to say “yes” after that then you can be brave enough to say “wow. that’s never happened to me before. all my other dates like to treat me when they ask me out.”
    And subtly…he’ll know he didn’t quite manage to step up…and he’ll know that other men are…and he’ll know he lost…”

    Thanks, Mercedes. This resonates. I think this is my truth!

    In olden days, I would have dumped immediately. 2011 version, could this guy be redeemed, recycled? Or is it impossible and he is now a “goner” (instead of keeper) with a big ole ‘G’ on his forehead?

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  63.  #63Laura on January 13, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    I’m feeling confused about how to balance

    Overfunctioning versus Acting not interested versus Letting a guy treat you like a possession.

    If you lean back, and the guy takes the lead, and you go along with it…. how do you not feel like you are just a little puppy following him around. I know that you have to set boundaries and not agree to what you aren’t comfortable. But what if you are letting him do the work and it feels like he is instructing you?



  64.  #64Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    @62: Laura says:
    “…I’m feeling confused about how to balance
    Overfunctioning versus Acting not interested versus Letting a guy treat you like a possession….”

    Just for me, I’m not inclined to “act not interested.” I don’t believe Rori suggests we do…does she?

    SLV



  65.  #65tinque on January 13, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    No she doesn’t. When he calls, “it feels so good hearing from”, shows interest in lean back mode. and so on.
    xxoo



  66.  #66Femininewoman on January 13, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    Mercedes thanks for that it really resonates for me a really clarifies how this can be done.



  67.  #67Mercedes on January 13, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    Thanks ladies. I did realize though…if you’re left handed like me, you’ll probably feel more comfortable tipping your head to the right.

    But then again…I can only wink with one eye. The right one.

    Maybe it has nothing to do with being left handed.

    I don’t know.

    right? left?

    Maybe it doesn’t matter. LOL 🙂

    Just kidding. I’m outta here soon. Everyone have a wonderful evening!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  68.  #68Laura on January 13, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    No I don’t mean that we should do that. I just mean that to me, leaning back feels like acting disinterested. For instance, letting a guy take the lead in the coversation…. if you are really wondering about something like his interests etc. you should not ask? You should let him ask you first and then hope he responds with his interests? Or is it ok to be like “I’m curious what your interests are?” or other things like that?

    This just feels really unnatural to me… like I need to say a feeling in every sentence I say to a guy or just when I feel an actual feeling about what is happening. In my above “I love being a nurse” example… he didn’t ask if I love it or not… he just asked me what I do. I could have said I am a nurse. Then he might have said… “Do you enjoy it” and then I could say “Being a nurse makes me feel a sense of purpose…” etc. But instead I tried to make basically everything i say a feeling message.

    Other than that I am curious about what was mentioned about guilt. I do not know where my guilt comes from but I feel it in my relationships with guys, friends, family, and myself. I am worried that I will mess up my relationships since I am not even comfortable with myself. Do I need to stay away from men until I have figured out how to be comfortable with myself? Because I’m not sure I will every truly figure that out.



  69.  #69Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    @Mercedes

    Have a good evening. I’d still like to hear your thoughts on the possibility of continuing to date “second round of drinks” guy. I think it’s on topic for this thread.

    I’d really like your input so I hope you come back to this…

    Thanks.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  70.  #70Simply Shannon on January 13, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    Jas, I feel curious hearing that guy’s money story. Why did you assume he was dropping hints for you to pick up the tab? Maybe he’s just telling a story. Sounds to me like a Nasty Voice jumped up and said “I’m not worthy. I should pay so he’ll spend time with me”. I hear that one a lot too. 🙂

    Words for me would look like:

    1. Silence and smiling (Lucy hit the nail on the head for me on this one)
    2. I feel weird. The story I’m telling myself is that you’re hinting for me to buy drinks. What do you think?

    And if he says “well yes I am”, then I’d say…

    I don’t feel good paying for dates with men. Feels bad and unromantic. What do you think?

    Maybe it’s an opener to talk about money. For me, it sounds like this guy has issues around money. Why does he pay for his friends if he thinks they are cheap? He doesn’t have to, so why does he choose to?

    Curiosity! And don’t make their story MY story.



  71.  #71Josie on January 13, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    Ha, just had a “wow” moment with feeling messages.

    My fiance had been distant recently and I’ve been leaning back and working on using feeling messages and just ‘being’ instead of worrying about whats going on with him cos I know he’s just scared.
    So, he’s away visiting his daughter tonight (we don’t live together) so I’m busying myself catching up with mates on FB and listening to the CD he bought me for Xmas.
    Anyway, I posted on FB “Paolo Nutini rocks! I feel lush sat here, tap tap tapping my feetsies.” Instead of what I WAS going to write which was “I feel good sat here listening to my new CD”.
    My ‘distant’ fiance right away wrote “God I fcukin love you” on my post !!!
    If saying what I REALLY feel as oposed to censoring myself works so well, this quickly gimme more !



  72.  #72Mercedes on January 13, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    Not to make light of the discussion here but I just want to say when a guy asks me what I do for a living (and almost every time a man talks to me he asks me what I do), I say one of two things (usually):

    1. I’m a proof reader for alphabet soup.
    2. I’m a coach who teaches men better pick up lines than the old ‘what do you do for a living?’ one.

    and I have my own pet rock daycare and boarding school on the weekends.

    It usually gets a laugh and a better (more fun) conversation than my job does. It’s fun. It makes people laugh. J thinks it’s hilarous when I do it to people from his company…because he and I are in the same industry (not the same company) and he knows it’s my way of making sure we don’t sit around talking about work all night. 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  73.  #73Simply Shannon on January 13, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    So I’m about to be pretty vulnerable with this guy I’m seeing. I know I need to take care of myself but something in me wants to share this with him. I like him but the amount of contact he’s making is not enough for me. I was thinking this morning something similar to Jas about not even wanting to go out with him anymore because I feel BAD waiting for him to contact me.

    So I’m going to play around with words here.

    It feels so good to be with you and I want to be vulnerable/honest with you. When I don’t hear from you, it feels bad. I don’t want to have a day go by without some sort of connection (not just text or email). I feel disconnected when we don’t talk. And I feel sad/bad. I don’t want that. I feel bad saying this but it almost makes me want to stop talking to you at all because I don’t want to feel this way.

    So how to cut that down into a manageable speech…

    I’m leaning back. I’m CDing. This is coming from a good place. I require more contact. This is me. My boundary if you will. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I’m not contacted frequently. I won’t choose that for myself. Not if it’s going to feel this way. I’m not blaming him. If this is the most communication he’s got in him to give, then I don’t want him long term.

    What do you think?



  74.  #74Simply Shannon on January 13, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    Hehe! Mercedes, my girlfriend and I just discussed this over the weekend!! My CD actually asked her what she does and she point blank looked at him and said “I’m a super model.” She’s not but it was so funny I died laughing. It later turned into being a super model for granny panties. Oh my gosh. Dying laughing!!

    Now we’ve decided to come up with new professions every time we go out. My mom suggested I start saying I’m a hand model or something that no one would have a clue how to respond.

    So funny! LOL!!!!!



  75.  #75Mercedes on January 13, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    SLV: I’m still here for a bit I guess. 🙂

    For me, it would depend on how he handled my “are you asking me to buy you a drink?” question. If he said “no” and paid and made himself a mental note that I like to be treated when I’m asked out then sure I’d date him again.

    If he said “no but I’m wondering if you’re the kind of woman who expects a man to pay all the time” and he used it as an opportunity to get to know what I want/expect from a date and still paid for the drinks and still asked me out again…sure I’d date him again.

    But if he said “yes” then that’s where I would have a little fun with him. 🙂 I do like it when a man pays (J pays for everything…except sometimes I surprise him and he seems to enjoy that once in a while too). So this guy…who likes a woman to pay for dates that he asked her out on…would be my new little puppet.

    He calls and asks me out. I know he wants me to pay for at least part of the date. My answer? “Oh! I would LOVE to see you again. I’m so sorry but I’m totally broke. I’ll call you when it’s in my budget to take you out. Tonight, I have a date with Bob.”

    Or maybe I just wouldn’t date him again. I like being treated by a man. It doesn’t turn me off when I offer and it is accepted (like my surprises with J) but to have a guy ask me out and expect me to pay? Nope.

    If he’s asking me out it’s because he can afford to take me out. If he can’t afford it and he wants to see me anyway, he needs to get creative….and not with my money…and he shouldn’t assume just because I want to see him that I can afford drinks tonight. Maybe I really am broke.

    The question from guys like this should not be “do you want to have dinner with me tonight?” If a man wants me to pay he should ask “How are you set financially for the evening? Do you have enough in your account to take us out?”

    Also, I like a man who is very, very straight forward who will tell it to me exactly the way it is. This beating around the bush telling me stories about his “friends” is an example of the kind of “hints” I’m going to get in the future when he wants something or is upset about something. No thanks. I don’t like hints. (and I don’t give them either…lol).

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  76.  #76Josie on January 13, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    @ simply shannon

    It feels to me like you’re feeling so bad not hearing from this man because you are so invested in him.
    Is HE that invested in you yet? I suspect not.
    A man does what he wants. If he felt like contacting you every day he would.
    I would just concentrate on making myself happy and stop worrying if/when this guy is gonna contact you. CDing is supposed to take your mind of one man. By being so busy, dating lots of guys and investing your energy in yourself you won’t have time to think about why this one particular guy isn’t stepping up and eventually you’ll realise it dons’t matter WHY, it just IS.



  77.  #77Laura on January 13, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    I was reading the newsletter from today:

    So, if you – like Alice – are finding yourself
    thinking about a man (especially one you’ve just
    met or been out with only a few times), rethink
    this.

    Step Back.

    Ask yourself….why am I doing this – making
    him so important?

    Why am I assuming he needs some help – that he
    needs me to call him, even though he has my
    number?

    If you can learn to let men run through your
    life – without landing on one or letting one get
    under your skin – everything will change for you.

    All of a sudden men won’t be so important.

    And as great as that will be for your insides-
    you’ll feel steadier and more confident – it will
    have an incredible affect on the men you meet or
    the man you already have.

    Instead of playing the “I’m hard to get” game,
    and bouncing back and forth in your mind trying to
    figure out what to do (call or don’t call, do
    this, don’t do that…), you’ll be free to flirt
    with all men, spend your time and energy in a way
    that feels good to YOU, and you will actually,
    authentically BE hard to get.’

    This is what i meant by I feel like I am pretending to be disinterested. I’m pretending to be hard to get. I’m pretending men don’t matter to me.

    But I still feel interested. I feel easy to get. I feel that men do matter to me.

    This stepping back is fake for me… not authentic. It is not what I really feel like doing.

    I’m confused



  78.  #78tinque on January 13, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    SS – I understand you’re feeling not enough contact with this guy, but your potential request seems clingy/needy to me. I don’t know how long you’ve been seeing him, and this may or may not make a difference.

    Most men don’t perceive time as we do. I remember when K and I first started going out. He didn’t call me that much. He e-mailed some, but there was only one, maybe two calls a week.

    When I started spending weekends with him, one week I hadn’t heard from him all week. Just before we normally had been getting together, he called.

    I expressed confusion, not knowing if we were to see each other or not. He was very surprised. He though we had spoken, yet we hadn’t. He was excited to be seeing me and just thought in his mind that we had spoken.

    So my point is, some men don’t do the daily contact thing and would maybe feel put upon if asked, especially early in a relationship.

    If it’s been awhile, you could say something like, “I love hearing from you. I miss you when I don’t.”

    xxoo



  79.  #79Mercedes on January 13, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    Ok…I actually like this a lot. Someone…please use it…

    “Oh! I would LOVE to see you again. I’m so sorry but I’m totally broke. I’ll call you when it’s in my budget to take you out. Tonight, I have a date with Bob.”

    It lets him know that “Bob” pays and given the choice, Bob gets the date.

    Someone…please…use it and tell me about the reaction!!! 🙂

    Shannon: I never really did a different job everytime I went out but I did use a different name everytime I went out (back when I was dating). Usually a guys name like “Kevin. With a Y” (Kevyn) or “Ricky” or sometimes I would be “Tuesday” or something random like that. It creates a very, very flirty situation from the get go. Relaxed and fun. Now THAT’S the way I like to meet people!

    A few weeks ago when J and I went to Florida I was getting tips for the band at a very crowded bar (don’t ask…things like that just happen to me) and I gave a fake name. Did it because I didn’t want everyone in the bar knowing my real name. Well…my name gots lots of attention from all the tables I went to for money and the tip jar got full.

    It’s all about laughing, smiling, being a touch flirty and enjoying yourself. If you can do those things, both in and out of a relationship, you’ll have a BLAST and you’ll have NO regrets. 🙂

    I love life.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  80.  #80Mercedes on January 13, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    SS: For me, J and I started out by not having much contact at all. As his feelings for me deepened, he started contact me daily…then soon we couldn’t go three or four hours without at least a text and we talked on the phone several times a day. We still text at least every few hours thoughout the day (and we live together) but…that all came in his time. I never asked for more. As we grew closer, he showed me when HE wanted more. That felt good.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  81.  #81tinque on January 13, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    And another take on this, K and I rarely have contact throughout the day, and I accustomed to this. He’s working. I wouldn’t expect him to call or e-mail. We see each other every morning complete with snuggle time and spend every evening together after all.
    xxoo



  82.  #82Katnina on January 13, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    Hi Sirens!
    I would feel so grateful to hear your thoughts on what I should do regarding this cd situation:
    Last weekend I had a 2nd date w Michigan man on Friday night-he took me out to dinner then for drinks, kissed me at the bar and a long kiss goodbye. He txtd me Saturday saying ‘i had a great time, want to hang out again. I wrote back thanks for a really fun nite,, would love to hang out again, he wrote back next weekend & I wrote back next weekend sounds great! Haven’t heard from him since.
    Last Saturday I had a 1st coffee date w finance guy, he wrote to me on Sunday on match saying I had fun, want to
    Hang out again, I wrote back Monday w I had fun too, I’d love to. He wrote back last nite asking me out for dinner on Saturday.
    Ii am much more attracted to Michigan man ( not just physically-emotionally as well). I work nights Sunday thru thurs so fri & sat are the only date nights I can do.
    Do I say yes to finance guy and then if Michigan man asks me for Saturday I say I have plans? The thing is, the next weekend is my bday andmy sister & b-i-l are coming to stay so I can’t do dates that weekend.
    I am thinking I should say yes to finance guy since Rori says treat them all equally but I feel shaky bc I would rather save that spot on my weekend for Michigan man if he comes around.
    I feel silly saying that bc who knows if I will hear from him but I don’t know what to do.
    What do you think?



  83.  #83Jas on January 13, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    Mercedes #78- I love this! I will try to use it if I get a chance 🙂



  84.  #84Mercedes on January 13, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    Example of how two people can go from irregular spaced out conversation to a LOT of contact.

    J and I don’t talk on the phone much because we’re going to see each other at home every night, but what happened today is a typical day:

    8:42 he texts good morning and that he loves me and I respond. (I just saw him at 7:20 btw)

    9:16 he asks me if I want to spend the night with him tonight and I respond.

    9:47 I tell him I love him and he responds.

    10:15 he talks about domestic stuff and gets an lol back.

    10:21 he jokes about something that happened last night. I flirt back about it.

    10:25 he tells me what he’s eating…and gets another lol. 😉

    10:29 that conversation turned sexy (he started it) but I had to do something else and couldn’t respond right away.

    10:55 I was able to respond to his last sexy comment.

    12:09 he hasn’t responded yet (this means he’s busy) so I text a pout about how that comment of mine deserved a response (he knows I’m teasing him). He responds right away letting me know he was in a meeting and didn’t hear the text come in.

    2:58 he texts telling me he’s thinking about tonight…I respond

    3:41 he texts to tell me his energy level is increasing but this time I can’t respond right away.

    4:19 I let him know I plan to take advantage of that…he responds.

    Just now…a text about something related to home (domestic type stuff) and I responded.

    All day…constant…keeping in touch…and I used to wonder if we were ever going to talk again. LOL. Really, we can’t go hours without it but he lead us to that…and he still leads it most of the time. I think it will come when this man you are dating is ready…or he’ll be more like tinque’s K and you’ll have to decide if that’s for you or not.

    I’m not sure I would ask for more right now…he’ll grow to let you know what it’s like for him and you can see from there.

    For now, maybe be open and grateful for the times you do hear from him?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  85.  #85Jas on January 13, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    Simply Shannon #69 – I see what you’re saying about the negative voices, but trust me he was dropping a “hint”. I’m sure of it. Also, when I said “how about another round of drinks?” He said yes, smiled and just sat there, making sure I go to the bar alone and bring them back. That pretty much confirmed it too. Also, your point about me possibly thinking subconsciously, I’ll pay so he’ll spend time with me. I have definitely done that in the past. BUT 1. I’m really not that attracted/into this particular guy. 2. Since I’ve been doing Rori’s program I really haven’t been caring at all if guys are interested or wanting to be with me, or attracted to me. I’ve been more into my own feelings and not trying to impress them. This part of Rori’s program has been the easiest for me to adopt because all my past over-functioning and trying to impress was VERY draining! I’m much happier doing it Rori’s way. LOL. Some of the other feeling like maybe feeling “guilty” about certain things are taking a little longer to change, but I’m slowly getting there 🙂



  86.  #86Laura on January 13, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    @Mercedes #78

    I never really did a different job everytime I went out but I did use a different name everytime I went out (back when I was dating). Usually a guys name like “Kevin. With a Y” (Kevyn) or “Ricky” or sometimes I would be “Tuesday” or something random like that. It creates a very, very flirty situation from the get go. Relaxed and fun. Now THAT’S the way I like to meet people!

    With my friends that I’m comfortable with I am a funny/fun/excited person.

    With guys, people I’m not comfortable with (even people I’ve known for awhile), strangers, even my family sometimes I feel like I can’t show the real me to. I can’t be funny because I basically shut down out of fear. Some people take it as I’m just shy… I’ve even been told that I’m intimidating, though! When really it is me who is basically intimidated by everyone around me!

    I envy those that are relaxed, flirty, fun, and all the attention that they get from others for being that way.

    I feel like I can’t accomplish any of this because I can’t be that kind of person. I AM needy and clingy. How the heck do you not be that way? I feel like it is a part of who I am. I’d be lying to myself if I told myself I didn’t care.

    With my friends and people



  87.  #87Mercedes on January 13, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    Laura: I understand feeling shy…I used to be that way really bad but I’m not anymore…I do understand though.

    However…

    You are NOT needy and clingy.

    Those things do not describe WHO someone is. They describe HOW someone behaves.

    And we can always change how we behave. Even though it might be hard, we CAN change it.

    Personally, I have an easier time with strangers because I know I’ll never see them again. J and I swish into their lives, make them smile and leave again (we can often be seen wtih giant stuffed animals in the car with us – and we both drive convertibles with the tops down whenever possible). We live to make people smile. I’m more outgoing than he is, but it takes him about 10 minutes to follow my lead. Or to watch while I collect tips for the band.

    In any case…YOU are not needy and clingy. You might behave that way sometimes (or even most of the time…I don’t know), but you start with baby steps to change that behavior. Today, a smile….no matter how nervous you are, a smile. Tomorrow…eye contact the entire time someone is talking. Saturday…eye contact AND a smile. 🙂 By Sunday you won’t even want to throw up when you’re doing it anymore. LOL

    You got this! It will take practice but you can do it. You just have to stop saying things like “I am needy and clingy”…because you’re not.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  88.  #88Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    @72: Simply Shannon says:
    “… I don’t want to be in a relationship where I’m not contacted frequently. I won’t choose that for myself. Not if it’s going to feel this way. I’m not blaming him. If this is the most communication he’s got in him to give, then I don’t want him long term.
    What do you think?…”

    Hi SS, I don’t have anything for you.
    😥
    But you are therapist for me. I read your post and had a light bulb moment.
    💡
    I had earlier discussion on what makes attraction. I think it’s different for everyone but now I have a concept of “attractors!”

    An attractor could be a “contacts frequently” or… other things. I’m excited thinking about this…so…

    Thank you, Dr. SS. 😀

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  89.  #89Mercedes on January 13, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    And now I really am outta here for now.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  90.  #90tinque on January 13, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    Another thought Laura is that most of us if not all of us have clingy/needy moments, and it’s perfectly okay to let those moments be known, with someone you trust or even someone you don’t know that well. Their response will be telling. It can be really scary at first, showing this kind of vulnerability.

    With a man for example, you may fear showing any what you perceive as weaknesses, but really there is great strength in this.

    When I feel insecure for whatever reason, I tell K, I let him know I’m feeling clingy, and I ask for a hug. He gives a nice, big long one gladly.This took some time to get to this place,
    for me.

    Even with a new guy though, you can still say that you’re feeling uncomfortable, shy, at a loss for words, nervous. This can be endearing to a good man. This is you being authentic. Getting it out there will give you instant relief, and maybe the next time you won’t feel it at all.

    xxoo



  91.  #91Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    @76: Laura says:
    “…I was reading the newsletter from today:
    …I’m confused…”

    I haven’t read it yet (I’ll read it soon) but I get what’s going on. If my life is full and happy, even though of course, I am interested I am not “desperate.”

    And naturally so, nothing fake, inauthentic or pretending.

    Even if I were currently in an addicted state — especially if I were in an addicted state! — I must turn to myself for my happiness.

    Does this make sense to you? This is how I am living, in what is for me “being in circulation.”

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  92.  #92Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    @tinque
    “…So my point is, some men don’t do the daily contact thing and would maybe feel put upon if asked, especially early in a relationship…”

    I have experienced this. Guys have different communication styles. I have met guys who are very talky, chatting and in constant contact but are not more caring, attached or committed than others who don’t communicate as frequently and talk for long time on phone, chat or send long e-mails.

    Now I gotta figure out my favored style and know what is the attractor there for me. I didn’t think about this much until today! although I know i would not want a guy to ignore me…

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  93.  #93tinque on January 13, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    Yes so true SLV. It doesn’t indeed mean at all that a more quiet man doesn’t feel any less or more than a more communicative one.

    It took me awhile to adjust, but the greeting at the door more than makes up for the not having contact during the day, as well as the very frequent contact when we’re together. In fact I now prefer it in as absence makes the heart grow fonder. It’s like being teased all day and deliciously.



  94.  #94Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    @78 Mercedes says:
    “…Relaxed and fun. Now THAT’S the way I like to meet people!…”

    I like fun too but I’m pretty open; however; this could be fun for a bit…with online dating e-mails etc. At what point do you ‘fess up?

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  95.  #95Soul Sista on January 13, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    short yet sweet and hella powerful post.

    ladies ~ i am in AZ with my mom and we’ve been settling in.

    i already have a dinner date tonight. been chatting with the man for a week and he drove all the way from las vegas to take me out down here. he has a home here as well.

    he’s 31, and pretty darn hunky…he has taken the lead in a very friendly (i don’t mean “as friends”) but masculine way…i’m staying leaned back and receptive 🙂



  96.  #96Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    @81: Katnina says:
    “…Do I say yes to finance guy and then if Michigan man asks me for Saturday I say I have plans?…”

    IMHO, and just for me…I would. Maybe Michigan Man will ask sooner next time. Or have two dates or maybe Friday… I’d do whatever worked for me but I would not turn down a date and sit waiting.

    If Laura is reading… see, no need to pretend when leaning back…if I just lead my life. Make it full and happy; not sitting around waiting for some guy.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  97.  #97Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    ‘When he calls, “it feels so good hearing from”, shows interest in lean back mode. and so on.’ (Tinque)

    Tinque, would you recommend toning it down at all if you had overfunctioned with that particular man in the past? or not? 🙂 Thanks.



  98.  #98Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    Josie, I love your wow moment! Thanks for sharing that! Great example of not censoring our feelings!



  99.  #99Soul Sista on January 13, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    #81 Katnina ~ I speak from experience, I will always go with Rori’s advice from now on…i won’t wait ever again for a guy and i will keep my schedule full of fun dates. besides, it’s too soon to be making those kinds of judgements, from what i’m learning from the tools, and i’ve experienced attraction growing with guys i did not think it would.

    someone posted a few days ago “my prince charming doesn’t need any help from me to rescue me from my tower.” (paraphrased). xoxo



  100.  #100Laura on January 13, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    i see the dilemma though. This is one of the biggest things I think I have done in the past…. completely going out of my way to make myself available so that there could be no chance of me missing an opportunity to say yes to an invite. i’ve taken that really far before…. like going away for a weekend to my friends apartment and a guy i had been seeing lived in the same city and knew i was around and on the chance he would ask me to hang out i stayed an extra night out of town and had to take a bus back in the middle of the night to make it to work on time the next day. or at times canceling things that I already had planned if asked out (and recently… i did this, and then the guy canceled on me last minute… leaving me stuck in a situation where i canceled something important just to sit home and be mad that i didn’t even need to do that).

    But I still feel like it is pretending. If you would prefer to spend time with guy A but guy B asks you out first and you accept… and that closes off your opportunity to see guy A……then if guy A does ask you and you do go with him, you got what you wanted. I know this is ridiculous but this is the kind of “strategic planning” I’ve done to “get what I wanted” aka… spending time with guy A.

    And I feel a lot of self hate for that reason. Because I almost feel like I have nothing better to do than to “sit around and wait for some guy” even though I know I’m capable of much better things to occupy my time than that.

    Let’s say I did not sit around and wait for some guy… and went out and did other things… or spent the time doing something for myself at home…. or did things that I had to do like housework, work, etc….. the guy that I would have been sitting around waiting for still occupies my thoughts. I used to be able to “keep busy” and actually do things and just have him there in my thoughts. But lately, it has gotten harder and harder to even accomplish anything because my thoughts have been so stuck on this topic.



  101.  #101Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    Shannon, I feel surprised reading that you want to talk to this man every day…

    (This is about me, not you… no judgment.)

    I wouldn’t want to talk to a man every day unless I was really falling in love. (some kind of contact daily, yes. but text would be enough for me.)

    I feel curious about this difference. I wonder if it means anything….

    (or ARE you falling in love with him? :))



  102.  #102Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    “a super model for granny panties”

    LOL!!! 😀



  103.  #103Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    I feel curious…. So, when you say a joke profession, they probably eventually say something like, “So what do you Really do?”

    Then what? Just tell them the truth?



  104.  #104Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    Regarding a man paying…

    I LOVE it when a man asks me out by saying, “I’d like to buy you lunch” — or some such thing…

    Love that! And I answer, “I feel great about you buying me lunch. :)”



  105.  #105Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    @99 Laura says:
    “…And I feel a lot of self hate for that reason…”

    Well, I’ll say that’s easy to fix…don’t do it anymore… And forgive yourself too.
    😀

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  106.  #106Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    @103: Lucy says:
    “…I LOVE it when a man asks me out by saying, “I’d like to buy you lunch” — or some such thing…”

    Yeah, I like it when a man does things thoughtfully and smoothly so I’m comfortable and there is no doubt in my mind.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  107.  #107Laura on January 13, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    I want to stop the wanting to do that.



  108.  #108PrairieGirl on January 13, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    Wow you guys this frequency of contact topic is VERY timely… Thank you for sharing your experiences with your various guys that turned into good relationships…

    I have a question (well lots) about the attraction thing…I’m struggling w/my beliefs about men… that one will really “get” me..get my heart.. at least one that *I’M* attracted to…

    SLV said “But it’s up to me determine which guys I am attracted to, which guys I am open to and which guys I allow to stay.”

    I keep thinking about what RR says in “targeting” that Mr Right will feel foreign and that often the ones we feel “like we’ve known them forever” are actually toxic…

    I now have a “type” in my mind.. I feel completely unattracted to guys that approach me that are not this type…(I want a guy that can saddle MY horse and is not a soft city boy)

    Is that okay?

    Do I trust my “attraction”? How do I know if it’s working against me and leading me back to toxic men like I’ve been with in the past (seriously toxic…pathological narcissist)…

    Thank you sirens..
    Prairie Girl



  109.  #109marina on January 13, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    Dear Sirens,

    Hmmmpf, that is exactly what I have been doing all night…

    Waiting for BF4 to drop by!
    I feel very frustrated and angry with myself that I did this again!!!

    We talked on the phone a couple of times.
    And I assumed that we would be together tonight.

    I am feeling angry and felt the urge to call him why he isn’t here yet.

    But if I think of my happily forever after and see that he is not stepping up and that I was not clear with my feeling messages

    (I said something like ‘let’s eat some shrimps together’ instead I could have said: I would really feel good of we’d eat together tonight’)

    I do not longer want to blame him and that takes me feeling frustrated away somehow too.

    I don’t know whether that is a good thing or if I should sink into my soup of feelings.

    I still feel pissed off. I feel like I am dangling on a rope and I am his puppet.
    I feel so tired of this.
    I feel this is not a normal relationship.
    I feel I want a normal relationship.
    I want to feel loved and feel secure.
    I want to grow.
    I want to have fun together instead of worrying.
    Instead of getting my hopes up of us spending time together and then not hearing from him and feeling very disappointed again.

    If any of my friends would treat me this way, I would drop them as an important friend. I would give them 3 chances and then they would be down my friends list. I don’t want to give up on people, but I also don’t want to expect too much.

    Ugh bah yak, I feel sick of it and somehow it makes me feel good too, bc this game has been going on for a long time and I am so used to it and it feels known and secure somehow. Like I am used to this and this is all a loop.

    Hm, actually I am glad that I am feeling something for him, even if it is frustration.
    Or do I feel frustrated at myself?

    Pfffff, I really don’t know.

    I have read so much yummy wisdom of all of you on this thread and all I am doing is riffing.
    I am going to bed.

    Night all
    XXXX, Marina



  110.  #110Rori Raye on January 13, 2011 at 4:37 pm

    Lynn –
    Welcome, and what you need here is EXPERIENCE. You’re very all-or-nothing, here – and I want you to learn about Circular Dating and just…dating! You’re all emotionally involved and invested WAY too soon. We’ll help you here to be a Rock Star Free Spirit. Love, Rori



  111.  #111Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    “like it when a man does things thoughtfully and smoothly so I’m comfortable” (SLV)

    Yes, that is definitely an “attractor” for me — a man whose actions make me feel comfortable.

    Yummy. I LOVE feeling comfortable with a man.

    (and I’m not gonna mention any names, but someone does come to mind… :))



  112.  #112Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 4:44 pm

    @107: PrairieGirl says:

    “…SLV said “But it’s up to me determine which guys I am attracted to, which guys I am open to and which guys I allow to stay…”

    Oh, that’s me. I can’t advise anyone else. I’m learning what’s an attractor for me. What i really, really want. I believe Rori says that might come in a package that isn’t what I usually expect and also my attraction to a guy could grow over time.

    I think sometimes chemistry gets me in trouble and sometimes guys that have instant chemistry for me aren’t what I want.

    So…I’m spending time with myself and learning things. I’ve started reading all the Rori posts in the Dating Category. I think they’ll be helpful; I’ve read some, they are!

    Have you read them? What do you think?

    slv



  113.  #113Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    @Lucy

    I’ve been thinking about comfort. Lately, i’ve been talking to myself and saying how I’ll know my sweetie loves me but it’s rather rude so i can’t post it… hahaha 😆 [no, it’s not sexual]

    Something Rori says too rings a bell–I know I won’t get this exactly right but something about feeling at ease and loved while with him and (and especially I think) not with him and guy lets you know and NEVER FORGET that you are cared for, adored, etc etc

    Yes, I do not want to waste any of my time on earth being concerned about that!

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  114.  #114Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    Prairie Girl, oooh, your question is reminding me of my One Who Got Away (M)…

    I was engaged to M – a “soft city boy” whom I loved and had so much fun with…

    until I met “a guy who could saddle my horse” (yes, literally — at a ranch), and in comparison, M seemed “wimpy” to me…

    So I broke the engagement to have a fling with Saddle Man. I broke M’s heart. 🙁

    Of course the fling did not last, and yes, he was toxic.

    M cried on the shoulder of his previous gf…. and a couple years later he married her.

    I know now that I could have been happy with M.



  115.  #115Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    @Lucy

    G’bye, going to have dinner, might be back later… don’t know…or tomorrow.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  116.  #116Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    SLV, what does “chemistry” mean to you? (if you don’t mind answering :))



  117.  #117Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 5:01 pm

    OKay, SLV. Enjoy dinner!



  118.  #118Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    @Lucy

    “chemistry:: that biological love hormone thing that draws me to someone without my input, even if I don’t know them very well or even like them all that much which could be kind of awful. Love at first sight etc etc, “love” at first sex.

    infatuation…? Maybe I’ll come up with a better and more precise definition with some thought.

    And of course…What do you think?

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  119.  #119Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    @Lucy

    And let’s not forget. I can have “chemistry” with someone I’ve never met in person but communicated in other ways but no physical touching… I know, I know Rori says guy cannot exist but my chemistry tells me otherwise… no joke!

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  120.  #120Katnina on January 13, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    SLV & Soul Sister-
    I feel grateful for your responses!
    I will say yes to dinner with finance guy on Saturday and allow myself to be surprised. Maybe I will feel stronger attraction after our 2nd date, and maybe not, but I should see what happens!
    Also Michigan man and I went 5 weeks from first date to 2nd (he asked me out the friday after our 1st date (which was on a saturday) for a week later but i had to cancel day of because i got sick, then i was away for 2 weeks, so it’s not the end of the world if he asks me out and I’m busy during the times he has free. And I could always do lunch on Saturday or brunch on Sunday but SLV, you are right, he will learn to contact me earlier nex t time.
    I feel uncertain bc my work schedule is not conducive to dating guys with regular 9-5 jobs since I work Sunday-Thursday nights.
    I have plans to change jobs, but that is about a year away. I want to be more financially stable before I start my dogwalking company.



  121.  #121archerie on January 13, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    Hi Meemee,

    You may remember be by another floral title..:)
    I am so very delighted to read the above stuff.I feel a wave of relief.
    I know rori teaches not to seek answers and closure, just to get back up and keep riding…
    YOU DID THAT !! Wooohooo..I feel proud of your strength.

    AND you now have answers and closure as well , to some degree. The point of that knowledge is to prevent RELAPSE . I do not think you would possibly ever relapse with X now into the power game. Not now you can name others to yourself and see him in all his slimy ugliness.



  122.  #122Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    Thanks, SLV. What do I think? I’m not sure. I feel very curious about this topic.

    “that biological love hormone thing that draws me to someone without my input” —> I don’t think I have ever experienced being drawn to someone without my input.

    “… or even like them all that much” —> I can’t imagine feeling drawn to someone I don’t even like…?

    ‘”love” at first sex’ —> never happened to me.

    “Love at first sight” —> Ah, THAT one I can relate to. I have felt that a few times… well, three times to be precise.

    So what does that mean? Are ALL of those things “chemistry”? Does that mean it was “chemistry” with the “love at first sight” guys?

    So… loving someone…. That’s what chemistry is?

    I feel confused.

    Maybe I don’t need to know.



  123.  #123lilyflower on January 13, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    Oh ladies, I had to write today, I am feeling so empowered and wonderful this week.

    Last night I went on first date with The Barber. =) I leaned back (literally and emotionally) and he led the whole way and everything just felt so great. I kept catching myself leaning forward in my chair and then leaning back, every time I caught it…and he kept leaning forward! He took off my coat for me in the restaurant…and even used feeling messages back at me! woah! never happened before.

    At almost the same moment today, both Jamaican Prince and The Barber txt me asking to see me tonight. I’m not feeling well (a cough) so I turned them both down…but i am in utter shock that both of these great men want ME!!??!!

    I’ve never been able to date more than one man without feeling guilty and now, with your help and Rori’s programs…I feel GREAT about it!

    So blessed. So thankful for this community. <3 you all. Hope you are all having a fabulous day!



  124.  #124Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    SLV, I just saw #119. So, it’s not necessarily in his physical presence. I hear ya on that one. 🙂



  125.  #125Jim on January 13, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    Ladies,
    I just spent the last 3 hours reading 250+ posts herein the BLOG. Yes, I’m feeling quite BLOGGED.

    All’s well that ends in my taking a nap… I feel very aggressive in pursuing a nap and their I shall remain passive for awhile. Completely passive.

    A fond good evening to you all.
    Jim



  126.  #126archerie on January 13, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    I was IM’ing with a POF-man ..lets call him Sea Dragon man..and he said something most interesting..

    A little window on the male mind perhaps.

    He said that people (men more often) assess you for vulnerabilty . They often see genuine kindness as WEAKNESS .. If they judge you are weaker they may well prey on you and take what they can get …!!!!!! This makes sense when you think that men do this with other men all the time .

    The sweeter and kinder you are the more WEAK you may appear to these men.

    Straight from a man’s mouth.

    He also said that sweet tender softness of the feminine was so intoxicating ..go figure!

    I think this is one of the major reasons why we should follow Rori’s advice and not give till we have been given too..a whole bunch! Why we must remain open and soft on the outside And it is why this post is so important.

    Often its what we do upfront on the phone or on line even ,that sets up the future with a man , he is assessing us for WEAKNESS . He will do what men do with each other , push and see what gives…

    This was a real eye opener.



  127.  #127LonePlum on January 13, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    Jas 18

    In your case it is more about spending money we have not planned to spend and we don’t really have.
    And about people make us do things they have not even asked for
    Or we do things we think people want us to do and we don’t feel good about doing it.
    Next, we are upset at them and at ourself. That’s what over functioning does to relationships.

    He manipulated you (if he did) because you over functioned.
    He said a few words without asking you anything and you stepped in his mind and guessed by yourself what he might mean and what he might want you to do
    And you did it
    You actually obeyed a non given order.

    Guilt and over functioning

    Not feeling worthy of a good restaurant
    You are projecting on him your own financial limits
    An expensive date is not so much about your own value but about how much the man can afford, is used to spend, feel like doing, of what impression he wants to make.
    Don’t ever feel responsible for a man’s choice and actions.
    Get rid of the small attitude that consists in feeling you owe him something. A tit for a tat might lead to friendship if you are lucky but not to love.

    Lean back and enjoy and let him know you enjoy. If the man is the right one he will feel happy around your enjoyment.

    The man owns his choice, it is not your responsibility
    If he moans about paying it alone, let him moan. He is the only one who can make himself feel good about his own choices.
    He asked a person out, he picked up the place.
    If you were somebody else, he would have done the same. His moaning is not related to you.

    His moaning is only saying he can’t afford to date the way he wants to date and that’s his problem. He can figure out a different way to date where money is not involved.
    His moaning could also be saying he gives to get, he is not wired to love.
    It could also be saying you are not “the one” but he is checking if he can educate you to pay when he needs sex in the future. lol

    If he ever calls again, I would accept another date to practice “staying on my bridge”.
    I would leave my credit card and money at home to make sure I won’t pay, until I feel sure of my boundaries.
    You did answer to him in the proper way, but what seems to be your weak point is that after you answered properly, you didn’t believe yourself and you jumped on HIS bridge, you paid.

    This man might be a manipulator, but many human beings are.

    It can be dangerous
    Thanks to that man, you now are aware you need to work on staying well centered on your own bridge and not let anybody pull you out of it, no matter the circumstances.

    xxx



  128.  #128Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    That’s interesting, archerie. But what if a woman is sweet and kind Without giving and overfunctioning?

    Men usually see me as sweet and kind but Not weak.

    For example, my brother-in-law adores me — and he thinks of me as strong and benevolent (his words). I guess he sees me as strong on the inside and soft on the outside.



  129.  #129Simply Shannon on January 13, 2011 at 6:06 pm

    Dr. SS? LOL! I love it! Thank you SLV! I’m actually able to return the favor Dr. SLV…

    “Something Rori says too rings a bell–I know I won’t get this exactly right but something about feeling at ease and loved while with him and (and especially I think) not with him and guy lets you know and NEVER FORGET that you are cared for, adored, etc etc”

    He would never let me forget. That’s it. That’s it. I feel forgotten when a man doesn’t contact me regularly.

    I like regular attention. Once a day for sure. I’m more like Mercedes and J when it comes to connecting. And in this case, I don’t live with him or see him on a daily basis. I might be okay with less contact if I saw him every day.

    This guy does contact me and usually it’s contact to ask me out. He’s not a random chatter but *I* am.

    Tinque, I’ve really tried to figure out how to let go of this the way you have with K. I’d LOVE to see it the way you do. I’m guessing that hasn’t happened for me because the men I’ve been with haven’t made me believe they loved me even when they weren’t around.

    Ok, something just shivered up my spine when I wrote that last line. Hmmm… what was that?

    Be right back.



  130.  #130Angeline on January 13, 2011 at 6:16 pm

    Hi everyone! I’m new here. Tried to post this in the “Your story/questions for Rori” section, but my computer wasn’t cooperating, so I hope it’s ok that I post here.

    So this is what I wanted to ask:

    Dear Rori! (and everyone else)

    There is so much interesting information here, I feel overwhelmed right now 🙂 Unfortunately I’m not too good at figuring out where I’m at right now or how to deal with the problems I’m having, so I could really need some feedback.

    I’m 29 and really want to marry and have a family. I didn’t have much support or guidance growing up, so most of my life I have felt alone and terrified, never knowing what to do, always searching for safety and love. This led to some really bad experiences that left me behind on every area of my life, such as education, building confidence and social skills, taking care of friendships, you name it.

    I have worked a great deal with my self esteem, but I’m not happy with where I’m at. I can’t get a better job, and going back to school seems impossible because I would have to do it part time and I’m so tired when I get off from work. I feel stuck and have no idea how I am supposed to “catch up”. My lack of education seems to scare off guys with certain standards. If I tell them about what happened, they lose interest, especially the guys with a normal upbringing. (I had no support or positive attention from family, bad friends, violent boyfriends, severe depression, dropped out from college and got a job in customer support.)

    Now I am standing on my own feet, feeling ok or even really good (when I don’t think about where I’m “supposed” to be at this age) and I have not been in a committed relationship for over 8 years. But this lack of support and love from relatives causes me to feel extra vulnerable when it comes to men, and I am terrified of becoming addicted to a guy again.

    So after some years of no dating what so ever, I have been circular dating now for approx 5 years – with some long breaks here and there. When I’m in the right mood I’m surrounded by guys, but then I sabotage. I need help figuring out how to stop this.

    If I even go on a date (I usually run when they ask because I’m so terrified), my defences takes over and I start to feel bored. I can’t stand having someone look me in the face either (due to nasty comments about my facial features in the past), or open up and be sensitive, so I end up being the cool, entertaining one instead. I feel empty and lonely while I’m doing this, and I usually reject the guy or try to kill every romantic spark and just be friends instead, or pass him on to a single friend of mine.

    If somehow a guy gets to the next stage, some ugly feelings take over. First of all, I start to feel really jealous of him, almost to the stage where I hate him because he had everything I never had, like loving parents, guidance, positive experiences and a safe platform from which he could grow and achieve things, go places. And my stupid thinking goes like: “WHY should I give of myself to this person? Why should I ever become his girlfriend? He already has everything. I have nothing. I don’t want to be someone he can try and see if it (I) fits. On top of that, this person can end up hurting me, or rejecting me because I don’t measure up.” I sort of lose respect for guys who don’t know what it’s like to live with the kind of pain i grew up with, and then I start to… rebel, I guess. And I don’t want to dress up or behave like a Siren, I want him to love me for ME, even when I’m not happy and attractive, when I do nothing for his ego.

    If on top of that I feel that I have to compete with other girls, even if he’s really into me and the “competing” is only in my mind, I shut off completely. Then eventually they give up, and I feel so sad because I know I could have been happy and safe in a relationship with this guy and just wish I was normal.

    I have always longed for someone who would know what it felt like. And I did meet someone, but he didn’t want to get better like I do, so I had to move on. I guess the wise thing would be to keep dating healthy guys, and find some way to deal with them being healthy and having loving families, education and surrounded by hot girls, even if it makes me almost break down when I see the love between family members because it reminds me of all my pain. But HOW?

    Relationships, trust and attachment brings out so much fear and resentment in me. To communicate my experiences to a guy and not make him feel less attracted to me is also really tricky. Not to mention how to deal with the millions of more attractive girls in the world – how can I ever feel that I’m enough for a guy? I can turn heads on a good day – until they get a closer look, and when I look at the guys Facebook friends and see a hundred hot girls there, I don’t feel safe. I just want to cry all the when I reach a certain stage in the dating process. How can I explain to him why I’m being weird and distant, without damaging our relationship even more?

    Any tips, anyone? 🙁



  131.  #131Luzydel on January 13, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    hehe so a guy wrote to me about marriage and kids etc on POF, and that made me wonder…Do men have Biological clocks, well not like menopause or anything, but do they start feeling like it is time to settle down after all the fooling around?

    This guy is in his early 40’s, very good looking and has pictures of him surfing all over the world, the adventurous type (which I secretly believe is very sexy).
    Maybe after 40 he realized time is passing him by and it has nothing to do with meeting a woman that lure him, Maybe men get married to the woman that is there when they are ready to get married. Maybe all has to do with timing…who knows? He just got a great a@ss and I’m having fun checking him out lol. Being like a boy, later I change hats 😉



  132.  #132archerie on January 13, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    Lucy I think its about soft on the outside, strong on the inside, and its about the GIVING . Being benevolent to as man needs to be reserved till we know a man deserves that part of us!!

    I think we give so much in our family lives as women , and we should not give to men in the way we give to our kids , our mothers , our friends. We need to stop over functioning, yes. And it also goes by other titles such as being thoughtful, considerate , NICE.

    This is not to be confused with soft and tender and receptive, which are totally alluring for a man. This is my understanding from Roris work , and now from the horses mouth ..Sea Dragon man

    But more than that, his comments have led me to thinking that I will likely be tested by a man up front in the way he tests other men for weakness..

    This looks like –
    Wanting me to pay
    Wanting me to call HIM
    Wanting me to INITIATE dates
    Wanting me to meet him there

    and the big one ..the sexual push over test

    I am sure that a LOT of men do this sort of stuff. Now I know what its about. And they dont necessarily then go on to use and abuse our kindness and take advantage , but the potential is there ..and it has happened to me absolutely , and recently in friendship with a man..take take take then DELETE which was very hurtful.

    Its all about that rather masculine thing where they strut and preen around each other and assess the strength of the competition and the prize. Why would they not do this with women if they are the kind of guy who is looking to get and motivated by self interest?
    (And I think most men are UNTIL they fall in love !)

    Later on tests of strength in relationship may include the girlfriend test , wanting to borrow money , move in , any number of issues when , as a woman, I want to be kind, caring and giving .

    I dont want to be that girl who appears weak up front , who is then pushed subtly into sex or being a GF when -he -feels like it thing , one of those traps we Sirens on here , never saw coming!! And we have all been there .

    I dont know when this testing stops , men do it to each other ongoingly !

    Hopefully once they are in love with and giving a commitment then its safe to give a bit more.

    What do sirens think?



  133.  #133Lisi on January 13, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    @77 Laura —

    The more men you’re juggling at one time, the more leaning back becomes normal and authentic.

    If I have not had a date in a year and I have a flirtation with one guy — he is THE WHOLE UNIVERSE to me and he feels it. I’m never going to get anywhere. (I’ve been there).

    If, on the other hand, I’m emailing new guys from sites where I have profiles, talking and texting others, going out with some, and sleeping with at least one — I become authentically hard to get.

    The new guy in the email queue can tell I’m not hopping to answer him and jumping in to ask him out before he’s asked. I don’t do that because I’m actually out with other guys = authentic.

    Yesterday, my ex went from “let’s get back together mode” back to the friend zone. It sucks. I really loved him, at one time. But, I also had plans to see someone else tonight, have others on my phone and email, etc… I’m authentically in a different place than when I sat on the floor and cried over him months ago.

    Today, he asked me on the phone if I was seeing someone else. I was in the middle of talking about something else, so answered yes and continued to finish my other thought. He HAD to comment that I was so casual about it. I wasn’t holding up the other guy to make him jealous. It just is.

    Today’s been somewhat hard — after that conversation. He’s calling and texting all day (my ex is). I cancelled bachelor #1 for tonight because I’d rather hang with a girlfriend. I think bachelor #1 has gotten WAAAAY casual after we started sleeping together, and that doesn’t meet my need for an emotional connection.

    The old me would have chased him for just the sex alone, but I’m authentically not interested in that anymore.

    Besides, I already have FWB guy on the back burner. I keep that door open, because, if anyone else goes to FWB land, I can genuinely tell them I already have that, and they’re gonna have to try harder.

    I say: “I’m a woman. We can get sex whenever we want. What you’re offering I can get from nearly ANY man, and you know it.” They DO know it.

    So, it’s a struggle. I’m more leaned back than I was when I spent 7 years abstinent and raising a little girl. But I still see men offering me sex, a “hang out at my house and I won’t spend money on you” sexual relationship, etc…. I want to get to where they wouldn’t dream of offering me that shite, cuz I’m such a goddess they KNOW I wouldn’t go for it.

    I say — make a LOTTA connections, and keep leaning back as far as you can authentically do. If you fake it — they’ll know.



  134.  #134Daria on January 13, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    Ack – I feel panicked

    I got a response from security man — but it’s a woman claiming to be his fiancée for 4 years and that I met him while they were briefly separated. That she read my message – did HE??????? 🙁 – and she didn’t wanted to let me know they’re back together now and she didn’t want any future problems “hun”

    Ack! Woman I am in love with that man!

    He wrote me the Very Day he got out of jail — i know a lot of men whove been to jail and i feel flattered by this.

    I’m feeling panicked that he may nit have got my message cuz she did and he ll think I’m not interested and not contact me

    I miss him!

    It’s all good it’s all good

    Also I know he had a 3 year old with another woman, so what’s this 4 year business.

    Ugh! I feel scared!



  135.  #135Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    archerie, I don’t know…

    I will always be benevolent with men … but to me that does Not mean giving, nurturing, being nice, weak, etc.

    I don’t give to men at ALL. Lol. But I am benevolent with men.



  136.  #136archerie on January 13, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    Hiu Luzydel,

    I would be wary!.

    Yes he may wish to be settled down , but at 40 years of hot assed surfing around the world , he is also really going to know what women love to hear 🙂



  137.  #137Lisi on January 13, 2011 at 6:34 pm

    I’ve been thinking of 1,001 Arabian Nights. Sheherezade knows that the man will kill her. So, each night, she tells a story — but leaves him hanging so that he must wait until the next night to hear the ending.

    He spends the day in suspense, wondering how the story ended. She ends the story that night, and begins a new one. Repeat. For 1,001 nights — at the end of which, he is desperately in love with her, and her life is spared.

    Here’s my point — a good romance is a story. And, a storyteller needs to create a problem, build suspense, and wait for the end for the problem to be solved.

    People don’t “like” problems — but they aren’t interested in stories unless they’re made to WAIT for the climax.

    What we’re doing — Circular Dating, building the resistance inside of us — that’s creating a good, suspenseful and engaging story for him.

    And he likes it.



  138.  #138archerie on January 13, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    Lucy , maybe it means differnt things to different people.

    Some possible meanings..

    “Benevolence means an act of, or a general inclination towards, charity.”

    “Serving a charitable rather than a profit-making purpose. ”

    I dont ever again want to act charitably to men who are using me for profit making purposes!!!!!!!!



  139.  #139tinque on January 13, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    Lucy – In answer to your question, yes. Start from the beginning even.
    xxoo



  140.  #140Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 6:51 pm

    Yes, benevolence is an inclination toward charity — love, goodness.

    No need for giving, leaning forward, letting them take, etc.

    Just an open, feeling, receptive, sweet, expressive, benevolent, strong, good-willed, feminine heart … draws a man in and makes him feel safe.



  141.  #141archerie on January 13, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    Jas ,

    Just catching up.
    This happened to me at a first meeting of an online date.
    He suggested dinner at a pub ,and he bought one round of drinks. I offered and bought another round (pre- Rori days) .I felt the date was going well overall.

    He waved me off with a smile and” lets meet soon ..”

    Then he sent me a Feedback email in which he stated that I should not expect to have my meal paid for as I earned good money (his assumption) and that I should have offered to pay half..!!!!

    I never saw him again.

    There were clues in his dinner conversation which touched angrily on his ex wife remarrying a lot wealthier and still expecting him to pay for their kids.



  142.  #142Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    Thanks, Tinque. I might start with just a smiley face then. 🙂



  143.  #143Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    Ugh, I just got another one of those “You really have a wonderful smile and seem to be well rounded.
    I wish you didn’t live so far away …
    I truly wish you well on your search.”

    Ugh.

    It’s like, “Hello, goodbye.”

    I could write back, “Well, planes and trains are pretty fast these days.”



  144.  #144Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    From Jonathon… What do you girls think??

    Here you go, 3 simply things men wished you knew:

    1) If you are truly interested, please don’t play hard to get
    2) When we screw up, please go ahead and tell is, but only once
    3) When online dating, it’s ok for you to email us first

    Hmm. Agree? Disagree?



  145.  #145Daria on January 13, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    Lucy – I’d write…

    Wow that feels weird to read… I’m flattered by the compliment … And I feel a bit insecure abd dissapointed that it’s not enough to inspire a meeting 🙁



  146.  #146Laura on January 13, 2011 at 7:07 pm

    But its like….. ok so you have 10 guys you are circular dating. You really like one in particular. You are authentically hard to get because you have so many of them. But what you really want is to spend time with that one. I would feel miserable turning down a date with that one to go see a guy I don’t really care about.



  147.  #147Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    Thanks, Daria. I might try something like that. 🙂



  148.  #148Laura on January 13, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    I say — make a LOTTA connections, and keep leaning back as far as you can authentically do. If you fake it — they’ll know.

    I feel like even trying to “lean back” or thinking about these concepts is me “faking it”….. changing the ways I feel i naturally want to be. If I wasn’t faking it I wouldn’t even be thinking about this stuff I would just act however I want to.



  149.  #149Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 7:13 pm

    Laura, when you turn down the date with the one you like, do it in a warm, open way that lets him know, “Oh, it would feel great to go out with you Saturday, but I have other plans. I surely hope another night will work for us! What do you think?”

    He may book you right then for Sunday.

    Then you can feel excited about Sunday’s date and happy while you go to the Saturday date.



  150.  #150Daria on January 13, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    Dear blog I don’t want to get sucked into the drama cuz the pain seems so romantic.

    I can flip this heavy heart feeling can be felt through.

    I don’t have to feed this.

    I feel comfortable and loved and safe and attractive and glad .



  151.  #151Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 7:16 pm

    Daria, the pain of what’s happening with Security?



  152.  #152Daria on January 13, 2011 at 7:17 pm

    I feel jealous… This “other woman in the picture” is really beingvhealed out on all facets huh universe.

    I feel scared. I trust anyway. I feel touched.



  153.  #153Daria on January 13, 2011 at 7:17 pm

    Lucy yes – will u help me flip this?



  154.  #154Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    I can try, but I don’t have much Flipping experience….



  155.  #155Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 7:19 pm

    Can you flip a heavy heart to a light heart?



  156.  #156Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    What if you watch the drama as a member of the audience…. All of you are playing roles in a drama… they are only roles… the drama’s purpose is to show us what is happening and what parts we are playing in it…

    Then we don’t react — bc afterall, it is just a play we are watching….



  157.  #157Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    We feel emotions when we watch the drama, but we don’t act out of our reactions.

    Instead, we Respond from what is inside us.



  158.  #158Laura on January 13, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    @148 Lucy

    But then I feel like I’m using Saturday’s date and wasting his and my time if I am really just interested in Sunday’s date.

    The whole thing seems very unnatural to me. If I like someone, authentically, I don’t want to be dating other people. Why not “stay busy” with your own life or friends if the goal is to make it so that you aren’t revolving your world around him.

    Why can’t your date Saturday night be with your best girlfriend, instead?

    If I’m attracted to someone I generally don’t feel attracted to other people….



  159.  #159Daria on January 13, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    Laura – there are great posts from Rori that lay out how circular dating helps you… Check out the sidebar ‘dating’ categories



  160.  #160Laura on January 13, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    And I see how it would “work” of course it would make the man you want jealous and try harder to get you…. but that seems manipulative, not authentic.



  161.  #161Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    “If I’m attracted to someone I generally don’t feel attracted to other people….” I hear ya, Laura, but it can happen on rare occassions.

    And the one you really like might not work out, so it’s good to keep connecting with others who could actually be more right for you than the one you started OUT liking the most. Your feelings could change.

    Personally, I haven’t gotten into that situation more than a few times bc I am not accepting a whole lot of dates in general. I only accept dates when I feel like it. Right now I am not interested in any of those who are asking.



  162.  #162Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    Manipulative —-> rearranging circumstances to try to get a particular outcome.

    Authentic —-> being a healthy you, taking care of you and your needs and feelings and boundaries with no concern about external outcome.



  163.  #163Laura on January 13, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    Yeah so I feel like circular dating is manipulative if you happen to like one man in particular that you are circular dating and you are just dating the rest of them to try to get a particular outcome: making the one you like step up to get you.



  164.  #164LonePlum on January 13, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    Today’s Christian Carter’s letter

    >>>Question From A Reader:
    I have made the mistake of admitting to a friend
    that I have feelings for him – more than a
    friendship.
    We have been intimate with each other
    about 3 times.
    Everything was fine until I
    mentioned my feelings to him.
    I wasn’t asking him
    for a relationship…but he took it that way.
    I have since then been pouring my heart out to him
    and pretty much looking insane.
    Is there any way to save it?
    I know he has feelings for me.
    Please help…and tell me how to reverse the
    damage I have done.
    Thanks so much
    T.

    >>>My Thoughts:

    WAKE UP GIRL!

    I’ve got to knock some sense into you for your
    own good.
    Since you have my eBook, go back to Chapter 6
    and read it again.
    Your fears are taking over your emotions…
    which in turn is driving the behavior that your
    guy is responding negatively to.
    You’ve stopped steering your life emotionally
    and you’ve let go of the wheel.

    In Chapter 6, read about the “Emotional Gap,”
    and about “Setting Yourself Apart From Other
    Women,” starting on page 159.
    And I’ve got some new ideas for you too…
    There’s an important scientific word I want you
    to learn and remember. You ready?
    Here it is:

    “Duh.”

    You OBVIOUSLY have real feelings for him –
    you’re sleeping with him!
    And I’m willing to bet you had these feelings
    all along, but you just weren’t completely up
    front about them.
    Your situation is possibly the WORST kind of
    uphill battle a woman can have with a man early
    on.

    It’s a BIG NO-NO.

    Actually, it’s “THE” big NO-NO in the early
    dating stage…Using purely “physical attraction”
    to start a potential relationship.

    For most men, it’s easy to go from a meaningful
    and committed relationship to one that’s casual
    and purely physical.
    But, it is almost impossible to go from the
    “friends-with-benefits” situation to a deep,
    fulfilling, intimate and lasting situation.
    I know this first hand, both from my own love
    life and from talking to lots of men and women
    I’ve known in my life.
    So… rarely do I give rules, but here’s an
    absolute RULE when it comes to men –

    DON’T EVER try and start things with a man at a
    casual and purely physical level if you EVER want
    the option for something more meaningful or long-
    term.

    Men don’t work this way, like it or not.

    And don’t try to get a man BACK with physical
    attraction and sex either.

    It’s a dead end street.

    OK… now that I’ve got that off my chest,
    here’s the first thing you need to do. Go read my
    book again. (Just buying it won’t help you.)
    I write about Sex and Commitment in Chapter 8,
    on page 241.
    I reveal exactly what men think about
    the whole “friends with benefits” situation and
    how to time sex with dating so you’re not left
    feeling “insane” when a man just doesn’t want
    anything more than a purely physical relationship.

    Here’s the worst part of this whole situation.
    You’re smart and you know better.
    I can tell.
    It doesn’t surprise me that you couldn’t see this
    coming. Somehow, when you’re in the thick of it,
    attraction and “love” can blind you.
    So I’m going to give you a refresher course in
    what to do and in order to have the happiness and
    love you need…and deserve.
    I’m going to give you 4 simple rules to follow that will guarantee you won’t be “stuck” with a Friends With Benefits situation ever again.
    Ready? Ok, here we go…

    1. KNOW YOURSELF AND WHAT YOU’RE AFTER

    You said, “I have made the mistake of admitting
    to a friend that I have feelings for him.”
    It’s NOT a mistake to share your feelings with
    a man.
    It IS a mistake to share your feelings with a
    man
    1) too early and
    2) in a negative context.
    You set yourself up for failure by choosing and
    “tolerating” a situation that just doesn’t work
    for you. That situation is being “ok” with a
    purely physical situation when in fact you need –
    and want – more.

    When you’re OK with the way things are one
    minute, but then are looking and asking for
    something more and saying you’re not happy with
    the way things are NOW, you’ve INSTANTLY become
    the kill-joy and antagonist in the relationship.

    One minute you’re blissfully happy in his
    embrace and then a day or two later you’re sulking
    and awkward because you just blurted out what you
    feel or what you want, and you’ve taken him by
    surprise.

    All because of a “talk” you wanted to have with
    him.

    Yeah, I’m riding you a bit hard here, but it’s
    for your own good.
    Instead of being open with yourself about what
    YOU are truly after, you pursued this “friends
    with benefits” strategy to get things moving.
    That’s why you’re freaking out.
    You thought you could handle it.
    You thought you’d get something out of it.
    And for a minute, it was fun.
    But then your feelings snuck up on you.
    Eventually you were reminded of what you’re
    really after with a man and what you value.
    Right now you have two pictures in your mind:
    One picture is of this “casual” thing going on.
    And the other one is what you actually want.
    The two pictures are so radically different and
    far apart from each other, that it’s no wonder
    you’re acting “insane.”

    Your expectations are COMPLETELY out of line
    for what you’re ACTUALLY doing with this guy.
    It’s time to stop creating situations in your
    life that you KNOW won’t make you happy or
    comfortable in the long run – even if they feel
    good in the moment.



  165.  #165LonePlum on January 13, 2011 at 7:50 pm

    Christian Carter 2

    2. FIND YOUR PERSONAL STANDARDS & REQUIREMENTS…
    AND THEN STICK TO THEM

    Starting things with a man in this “casual sex”
    way, is a SUREFIRE way to ruin your odds of
    creating something more meaningful in the future.
    I’m a guy.
    I know.
    But, more importantly, getting into a “casual”
    situation with a man you might want to date more
    seriously and exclusively, has a VERY HIGH
    potential to make you FEEL AWFUL.
    So…

    Unless you’re one out of a hundred thousand
    women that gets “swept off her feet” by an open,
    caring, great communicator, who makes moving into
    a committed relationship effortless… then you’re
    going to have to start asking yourself some real
    questions about what you really want from your
    love life.

    And once you have the answers, actually be
    honest about them from the start.

    Here’s an important question to ask yourself:
    “WHAT ARE MY NEEDS?”

    And I do mean YOUR needs. Not his. Not what
    you’re accepting or tolerating or hoping to get
    from a man just because there’s nothing better
    around right now.

    Be clear here and think it through.
    I’ll give you a minute…

    Most of the women I know who are dating have a
    set of subconscious requirements from the men
    they’re seeing. That they be honest. That they be
    exclusive. That it’s going somewhere, and it’s not
    just going to be casual dating forever.

    But these aren’t things they are willing or
    able to communicate directly with the man they’re
    seeing.
    So, they end up in a situation that is anything
    but what they were looking for.
    They say, “This is fine for now. I’m just
    enjoying myself.”
    They are not being honest with themselves about
    their bottom-line “must-haves” and therefore can’t
    express these things to the man, either.

    From my experience, here are a few of these
    “must haves” that women often aren’t honest about
    at the start:
    – That any man they’re involved with, in any way,
    isn’t dating or still involved with another woman
    – That he’s open and ready to explore a serious
    relationship once they get to know each other
    That they share the same values and priorities –
    or he can at least appreciate and support her
    values

    So, how in touch are you with your REQUIREMENTS
    to feel good when it comes to men and dating? And
    how do you communicate these to a man?

    Do you do it indirectly by acting frustrated
    and angry when your needs aren’t being met, after
    you’ve already become intimate and emotionally
    vested in the relationship?

    Or do you do it directly and in a positive
    context as things are GETTING STARTED, so you’re
    in sync from the get-go?

    Remember, 99% of the time, a man is NOT going
    to make the right decisions for you, or magically
    and telepathically recognize and meet all your
    needs.
    Sticking to a set of minimum standards and then
    communicating those helps show a man what it’s
    going to take to make you happy.



  166.  #166LonePlum on January 13, 2011 at 7:50 pm

    Christian Carter 3

    3. RADICALLY REJECT BEHAVIOR THAT DOESN’T MEET
    YOUR STANDARDS

    I observed something FASCINATING about people
    and relationships a few years back.
    When we’re in a situation that causes bad
    feelings and friction of some kind, there is
    always some kind of “payoff” for one or the other
    person…and that’s why they persist in sticking
    with the bad situation.

    Here’s what you’re getting out of the “casual”
    thing…

    You get a safe and risk free path to get close
    to this guy. Even though technically you’re not
    “close” at all.
    I call this “working it from the ‘friend zone'”.

    After all, how vulnerable would you be if you
    shared what you REALLY were looking for up front,
    BEFORE you slept with him?
    You might be disappointed or rejected, or you
    would be unable to continue the “friendship” that
    you have right now.
    And maybe having to start over alone might
    actually be worse in your mind than having
    something crappy and low-quality that you’re
    “tolerating” now.

    But if you look deeper, you’ll probably see
    that your desire for something more was there all
    along underneath the surface. Therefore, I doubt
    that you could have been “just friends” with him
    anyway, even if you never slept together, without
    you feeling gypped in some way.

    That’s why you have to show a man that you’re
    strong and you know what you want, and you won’t
    settle for scraps or second-best or “good enough
    for now.”

    My favorite way of thinking about how to do
    this, is to be like a “velvet hammer.”

    Be strong and assertive, but warm and gentle at
    the same time.

    Say, “I really like you. Probably too much to
    be JUST friends. This is why I’m not sure we
    should continue this situation unless you feel the
    same way.”

    If you can say this in a way that doesn’t
    include BLAME or guilt or pressure from you, the
    response a man will give will be MAGICAL.
    He’ll open up and meet you at the level of
    honesty and respect you’re coming at him with.

    And as tough and as “bitchy” or self-centered
    doing this might sound right now, this is exactly
    what you need to say to a man if you really want
    something more with him.

    And doing this, and only this, can get you out
    of your “friends with benefits” situation and into
    a great relationship.
    Trying anything else is almost sure to end up
    in a series of misunderstandings and hurt
    feelings.

    But you might be thinking – WHY does this kind
    of language work with a man?
    Because it sends a strong SUBCONSCIOUS signal
    to a man that the woman is in CONTROL of her life
    and her world.

    There’s nothing that triggers more intense
    “long-term” attraction in a healthy and mature
    man, than a woman who he CAN’T control and doesn’t get thrown off-center when her needs aren’t met.

    Using the “velvet hammer” also has another
    AMAZING benefit that women don’t often
    recognize… or they don’t even see as a benefit
    at first.
    It WEEDS OUT the guys who DO need to go away
    because they’re never going to get their act
    together in the first place, or just don’t want to.
    You don’t want to be stuck in a dead-end
    situation that’s just going to make you feel WORSE
    than you felt before you met him, do you? Of
    course not.

    And sure, sometimes a guy will hear that and
    disappear for a while. But the best part is, if
    he’s one of the “good guys” you want to be with
    for the long-term, he’ll come back around.
    And when he does, he’ll have done all the leg
    work to be a better, more conscious partner. The
    kind of partner you could have never molded
    yourself through any amount of fixing or
    convincing.



  167.  #167LonePlum on January 13, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    Christian Carter 4

    4. DISCOVER AND USE WHAT CREATES DEEPER ATTRACTION AND CONNECTION WITH MEN

    Ever hear of “approval-seeking” behavior?
    It’s when we try to do and say things simply to
    get a positive reaction or judgment about
    ourselves from someone else.

    Well, it’s a HUGE MISTAKE to make with a man
    early on.
    Your need for your guy’s APPROVAL is your worst
    enemy right now.

    To him, what you’re doing is actually the
    complete OPPOSITE OF ATTRACTIVE.

    I’ll give you an example…
    Have you ever seen what it looks like when a
    man is shamelessly seeking the approval of a
    woman?
    As he’s just getting to know her and he sees
    that she hasn’t completely made up her mind to
    want to be with him, what does he do?

    He buys her gifts.
    He calls her all the time.
    He offers to do favors and errands for her.

    All these are attempts to prove to her that
    he’s good enough to be with her or to get her
    attention. This is also known as the “really nice
    guy” approach.
    Women just never seem to quite “feel it” for
    the super nice guy. Not because of the gifts and
    flowers and favors, anyway.
    A guy can already be attractive AND do nice
    things. Agreed?… But doing nice things doesn’t
    MAKE a man more attractive.

    Instead of feeling attracted to a guy you
    weren’t too “into” at first, you start losing
    respect for him when he goes overboard and tries
    too hard with the calls, favors and gifts.
    You lose respect because you know you can
    CONTROL him.

    This isn’t conscious, either. It’s just how you
    feel, and feelings are pretty powerful forces.

    Ever stop to think that the same thing might
    work in reverse between a woman’s behavior and a
    man’s?
    That a man may feel like he can “control”
    you if you’re running around trying to please him
    or do favors for him or be “nice” to him in order
    to get him to want you?
    Interesting…

    For men, approval-seeking behavior KILLS the
    spark that comes from the uncertainty of not
    knowing exactly how the women he’s with is going
    to think and act.
    If he can predict what you’re going to do and
    feels like he “has” you in the palm of his hand,
    what is he going to wonder about when it comes to
    you?

    And what if you start acting predictably
    NEGATIVE?
    Think about it…
    It’s a “natural tension” and challenge of not
    having CONTROL and uncertainty that creates strong
    ATTRACTION in men.

    HERE’S WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT
    What most women ask in situations when a man
    isn’t responding the way they want him to is…
    “WHY is he acting this way and how do I make
    sense of it and “fix” it?”

    Well, you can’t “fix” a man. And I really feel
    for you if you’re one of those women who are trying.

    But, you CAN change a situation and the
    FEELINGS that a man is having for you. You can
    change how he experiences you.

    The toughest and most important thing to
    understand is that men’s behavior and thinking in
    these situations isn’t at all LOGICAL.
    In other words, how a man reacts doesn’t make
    ANY “sense” and doesn’t follow any rhyme or
    reason.
    So, of course, it baffles and frustrates women
    when they run it through their own “sense- making
    filters.”

    Let me ask you a question…
    If you were an attractive man, would you want
    to find a woman that you had to TEACH how to make
    you attracted and feel good… or would you want a
    woman who just “got it” on her own… “naturally”
    and everything flowed?

    Duh. (there’s that scientific word again)
    You’d want the woman who already “got it.”

    So, more likely than a conspiracy against
    women, men just naturally respond to women who GET IT, and DON’T respond to women who DON’T.

    OK, let’s talk about these concepts a little
    bit more.
    Attraction, and wanting to be with a woman, is
    about a man perceiving that he and a woman are
    “naturally compatible” because his emotional and
    physical sparks fly when he’s around her.

    NOTE: I did NOT use the word “logical” here.
    Attraction and wanting to be with a woman long
    term is NOT the result of a man meeting a woman
    and then thinking to himself:
    “Let’s see…she’s got a good job, works hard,
    is pretty cute, and is a really good person…
    Hmmm, I think that we have some natural attraction
    going on here.”
    WRONG.

    For a man, attraction and the desire to be with
    a woman, and stay with her, is either THERE or it
    ISN’T.
    There are no two ways about it.

    Fortunately for you I’ve put together and
    entire program just about attraction: how it works
    for a man, how to trigger it, what to avoid doing
    so you don’t accidentally “kill” it.



  168.  #168Simply Shannon on January 13, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    Lisi, 132 and 136 = Shazaam! FWB on the back burner… LOL! Sigh. I would love a FWB on any burner, forget back burner. 😉

    Lucy, I love the play/drama image! So much easier to see the message when I’m not IN the play. I really like that.

    I just watched The Secret clip that Alicia posted on the last blog post. Wow. If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend. I’m going to buy the DVD tomorrow. Wow wow wow!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_b1GKGWJbE8



  169.  #169Nancy on January 13, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    I’m reading comments, but had to jump in and say that I’m feeling really excited. A man e-mailed me on Match this morning with the exact kind of e-mail I’ve been wanting. He actually asked for my phone number! This doesn’t sound like much, but those of us dating online know that it is actually rare to have a man ask for it in the first e-mail.
    THEN he sent a second email, the subject line of which read, “I think” !!! I feel so excited! I’m hoping he may be a guy I can ask “What do you think?” and he’ll actually tell me! He then went on to say that he thought my pics were stunning and how did I feel about a 30-40 year romance. Nice stuff!
    He’s calling me in 5 minutes. Even if it goes nowhere, I got an entire day’s worth of happiness just finding out that there ARE men out there who will lean towards me and chase me. That feels good.



  170.  #170Simply Shannon on January 13, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    Laura, I’m sensing deep resistance (fear?) to circular dating. I say why not and so what. Take the plunge, try it out, baby step towards it. If what you’re doing right now isn’t working, what do you have to lose?



  171.  #171Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 8:09 pm

    I like this one:

    ‘Attraction, and wanting to be with a woman, is
    about a man perceiving that he and a woman are
    “naturally compatible” because his emotional and
    physical sparks fly when he’s around her.’ (CC)

    That’s what I think. That to me is chemistry. And it’s a good indicator of compatibility. “Naturally compatible” — that’s why it feels comfortable.

    That’s why it matters.



  172.  #172Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    I have a 26 yo FWB on the back burner…. anybody want him? Free to a good home.



  173.  #173Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    Nancy, that’s exciting! You were the one wondering about why men don’t ask for women’s numbers, right? Woohoo! The Universe heard and responded. Yay!



  174.  #174Lynn on January 13, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    Thanks for your response, Rori! I have been noticing a pattern of all-or-nothing within myself, and I am working on that. It’s funny that you say I need experience, because I have been dating for years and years, but trying to flip my attitude and take on this new perspective of men and dating is very new – I hadn’t even realized how truly new it is.



  175.  #175LonePlum on January 13, 2011 at 8:46 pm


  176.  #176Lucy on January 13, 2011 at 8:47 pm

    Ugh, I am SO much more interested in men when *I* initiate first connection!

    What does that mean???

    Cute guy has a Tarzan – when inspired – reference in his profile.

    So I decide to write, “Hi Tarzan. I do a mean ‘Jane,’ when inspired. ;)”

    He writes back, “Mean Jane. Would you be nice to me? :)”

    I wrote, “Only if you deserve it. :)”

    Him: “I do. … wait its too early to utter those words, no?”

    [haha, that’s cute!!]

    Him: “your profile slays me”

    Guess it’s my turn to write! Brb girls! Me likey this boy.



  177.  #177LonePlum on January 13, 2011 at 8:48 pm


  178.  #178Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 9:07 pm

    @126: archerie says:

    “…Often its what we do upfront on the phone or on line even ,that sets up the future with a man , he is assessing us for WEAKNESS . He will do what men do with each other , push and see what gives…
    This was a real eye opener…”

    Yes, my rosy-cheeked little archer girl. This goes along with the two eye-openers I had this week — and I’ll say first I believe there are many variations and permutations and not all men are alike.

    Some men do not want to compete with other men for a woman so they will absolutely detest!!! if a woman does not remove herself from circulation as quickly as possible. They would much rather take their chances competing with women they are dating

    They will argue that it’s not fair, men and women are just alike and blah, blah, blah! But if a woman asks the same kind of “commitment” from a man they still detest!!! And tell her she’s a shrew or worse, declare she’s pushing men away and further, imply she doesn’t deserve a good man.

    Ha, my brethren your colors are revealed… 😛

    We love you anyway. 😀

    All opinions are mine and not of the sponsor, your mileage may vary.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  179.  #179Jim on January 13, 2011 at 9:16 pm

    126: archerie.
    WOW! Ok. Now I am on line commenting in this blog. Here’s something else you can hear straight from a man, from the mind of a male.

    Whenever one opens their mouth, man or woman. Whenever they write something.
    THEY ARE TELLING YOU MORE ABOUT THEMSELVES THAN WHATEVER THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT. Now you can always bear this in mind or not.

    What the guy was saying and telling you is this.

    Im the kind of guy that likes to take advantage. This is how I do it and how I think other men do it too. Also women do it to. Because, we that think like this are at war. We are assessing you for weakness and we all know that the element of surprise generally determines the victor.

    True. men do it with one another to. All to what? TAKE. “I CAME, I SAW, I CONQUERED.” Really puts people at risk, wouldn’t you say? Creates fear and so on and so on and so on.

    Then you state,

    “Rori’s advice and not to give till we have been given too.. a whole bunch!” See, how we immediately can find ourselves taking a stance, a defensive posture, so to speak?

    Careful how much you let your eyes open to this level of maturity…

    With kind regard,
    Jim

    131: archerie,
    I say this with all the kindness in my heart. Be careful what you believe in. Be careful that just because someone says it’s a dangerous world out there that you have to prepare accordingly.
    Look at it like this maybe? A hatred or war will not bring about peace. Only a love of peace will bring about peace.

    Ladies,
    The undercurrents are all out there, everywhere. Be careful when your feeling down and beaten up. Be careful of those that say, “Do you know where your going when you die?” or “Men immediately asses for weakness.” If your REACTING from a reactive state of being. Well, then you do become predictable and easily manipulated, influenced, what have you……………

    133: Daria
    And to sound as though I may be contradicting myself.

    If what your saying is true about security man. Tread with caution and become aware. Listen to your own writing.

    137: archerie,
    “I don’t ever again want to act charitably to men who are using me for profit making purposes!!!!!!!”
    As long as your perceptions are accurate about these types? BY ALL MEANS, STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM THIS TYPES AS YOU CAN, FOREVER & EVER…
    And the sad fact is, to me, our culture is made up of them and these types. Women included, no one gets a free pass from greed, abuse. It’s all with the individual, if they accept the dis-ease or not.

    Let me know what you think, or not.
    Jim



  180.  #180LonePlum on January 13, 2011 at 9:31 pm


  181.  #181Soul Sista on January 13, 2011 at 9:36 pm

    Ladies ~ this may sound silly…but, had a very nice dinner date, he met my mom, very kind hearted (and kinda hot) but that’s beside the point.

    he texted me and said he had a great time and can’t wait to see me again then i texted him back. “yeah, me too. xoxo”

    oh, ok, that wasn’t leaning forward…just responding 🙂

    LOL



  182.  #182Soul Sista on January 13, 2011 at 9:46 pm

    …i will say tho…i did not have to respond…and let him bask in his pleasure



  183.  #183Daria on January 13, 2011 at 9:47 pm

    Aww Jim thank u :).

    I feel touched. 🙂

    Hehe…

    Treading with caution

    AND not letting lean forward woman speak for him to me.



  184.  #184Daria on January 13, 2011 at 9:50 pm

    Feeling scared and also excited

    Moving thoughts elsewhere



  185.  #185Katnina on January 13, 2011 at 9:50 pm

    Yay Nancy! How timely! I feel smiley, I love synchronicity 🙂



  186.  #186Katnina on January 13, 2011 at 9:54 pm

    Yay Soul Sista! That’s awesome!



  187.  #187Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 9:58 pm

    @159: Laura says:
    “…And I see how it would “work” of course it would make the man you want jealous and try harder to get you…. but that seems manipulative, not authentic….”

    Hi, Laura. Manipulating people and doing things with the intention of “making someone jealous” is not something that I’m interested in doing. It would feel icky and certainly not worth any of the time I have on earth.

    How being in circulation “works” for me is I have a life and I like to explore new things and like to meet new people. All of the people, places and things aren’t always wonderful and amazing but I won’t know what they are unless I explore them.

    It is not a “trick” to get someone else to do something. What I do is about me. Is this the area of thinking that is a snag for you?

    As Daria suggested, Rori’s “Dating Category” blog posts are very helpful. I’m going through them now; I mentioned that to someone today but I don’t remember if it was you.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  188.  #188Daria on January 13, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    This “competing w another woman for a man” vibe is very attractive to me… It feels compelling and toxic

    Gonna heal this pattern. Yum. Healing it. 🙂



  189.  #189Senior Lady Vibe on January 13, 2011 at 10:11 pm

    @Laura
    “…it would make the man you want jealous and try harder to get you…. but that seems manipulative…”

    I think I got you now! I think you are focused on “getting” a particular “man you “want” no matter what. Is this right?

    I am now focused on things in a different way…I am focused as described by the URL of this web site: “Have The Relationship You Want” and I’m seeking a man who will be included in that relationship. I am focused on the relationship.

    Unless you are already in a happy committed relationship you might also be seeking a man who will be included in the relationship you want…

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  190.  #190Daria on January 13, 2011 at 10:46 pm

    Yay ! Fun man to talk to called me 🙂



  191.  #191Daria on January 13, 2011 at 10:47 pm

    My energy feels better :). I feel good 🙂



  192.  #192Daria on January 13, 2011 at 10:53 pm

    So now that I’m relaxed about the universe it feels so much freer and easier to be supportive of men’s endeavors — instead of thinking… That’s not practical, that won’t work, or… He can’t do it, that’s not enough , etc

    Yay it Will work out… Magically! Dream reaching time…

    And I Untriggerex Muself on ‘why are you single?’

    I said (surprised myself). I Like being single …!!!

    And I want to be married and have a family.

    Wow! 🙂



  193.  #193Nancy on January 13, 2011 at 10:56 pm

    @ Lucy 172

    Yes, that was me wondering why men so frequently don’t ask for our numbers instead of e-mailing us to death. I don’t IM on dating sites anymore and get asked to all the time. Just ask for my number for cryin’ out loud! LOL
    So, he asked, he got, he called, he didn’t over talk me and he asked for a date. I feel happy. He’s cute and tall and has a great voice and… we’ll see.



  194.  #194Daria on January 13, 2011 at 10:57 pm

    Another handsome man jus sent me a pic … So cute! Him and his daughter… I’m feeling loved!

    I love the way men compliment me and make me feel good

    And I love that the text icon on my phone is a smily .. I feel good vibe when I get texts.



  195.  #195Nancy on January 13, 2011 at 10:58 pm

    @ Katnina 184

    I love synchronicity, too? And I love it when a man tells me 3 times in one day what a beautiful woman I am. Going to sleep happy.



  196.  #196Nancy on January 13, 2011 at 10:59 pm

    I’m so sleepy… that was …synchronicity too!



  197.  #197Laura on January 13, 2011 at 11:10 pm

    How can we shift our thoughts from making judgments about a man’s choices (as daria says… thinking that’s not practical….) to simply being? If someone says something not practical… I can’t help but think.. that’s not practical. And it does resonate with what Rori says…. it makes me feel resentful.



  198.  #198Katnina on January 14, 2011 at 1:00 am

    I feel very vulnerable. But I want to heal my wounds.
    Can anyone share suggestions on how I can forgive myself for things I did when I was younger that I feel stuck on? How do I heal the wounds and move beyond the shame and regret of the things I did that hurt others? How do I let this go? I know that I have changed and am no longer that person; and yet I fear that my actions as a preteen and teenager are going to haunt me forever.
    I want to forgive myself. I don’t know how.
    Some of these (the ones I find most shameful) are not things I feel comfortable talking about with anyone, even a therapist.
    I don’t think of this stuff often but when I am triggered by something, I feel awful about myself for days.



  199.  #199Alicia on January 14, 2011 at 1:11 am

    Rori and Robin..

    I feel a little perplexed on..

    “”I wrote to him when he wrote to me and tried to mirror his interest **””

    Why would u mirror his interest? At first I thought you meant hobbies and that felt all wrog. Then I realized you mean level on “into you” and his coversation.

    As long as your not asking him a ton of questions, If you feel like talking, talk. Right.? It allows him to support you.

    A funny story can or interesting one.. As long as your sharing can really open a guy up. It is about you.. 🙂

    I felt odd reading that line. I liked everything else.

    I liked the going silent part.. and taking a bath.. 🙂



  200.  #200Alicia on January 14, 2011 at 1:12 am

    haha. *wrong



  201.  #201Alicia on January 14, 2011 at 1:31 am

    I liked Christians Carters advice and all. Trust me I was way into it. I even bought his book.

    Then I started to wonder has this guy dealt with his own stuff. I mean, Is he married or in a serious realtionship?

    Why was I so apt to take advice from him? Maybe he’s just a good sales man. (light hearted laughter)

    I appreciate his opening up about the male phyche, I just believe a woman knows how a woman is wired. It’s easy for us to change into what we think a man wants and that I’m starting to pull back on.

    I feel annoyed like he’s talking in circles, kinda like a horoscope… ” His attraction is either here nor there””

    Duhhhh it’s in is pants AND chemisry,

    Stays alive or doesn’t. So much is about communcation. Realtionships really aren’t that complicated.

    So much of it is communication and holding ones own space. And showing up for yourself..

    That’s the gooey stuff.



  202.  #202Alicia on January 14, 2011 at 1:33 am

    Ummm.. I feel my anger seeping out a little. So, please bare.. lol

    I will promise to use I feel statements when I am feeling triggered or feeling annoyed or feeling icky. I’m sure it will pass.



  203.  #203malaikah on January 14, 2011 at 1:51 am

    Jas (Re:18)
    Woahhh. I feel icky reading that. And it makes me mad and UGH thinking that he was dropping hints and couldn’t ask you directly to get another round of drinks!
    BLECHHHHHHH!
    I can easily imagine myself feeling awkward in that situation. But I think the fact that you took time out to even acknowledge your feelings, so you knew what they were and weren’t stuffing them down, was a huge thing- go you!
    If you’re in the same situation again, it might be a good step just to voice what you feel, e.g. “I don’t feel too good about this”; he’ll ask you why, and then you can express yourself in a non blaming way 🙂



  204.  #204Alicia on January 14, 2011 at 1:52 am

    Katina..

    I’m we have all done things that are awful. It’s human nature and that why we a God who ever that is to you, that judges not. And ask us to forgive ourselves. The important thing about forgiving is to forgive your self at every stage of the anger, sadness, fear and not get stuck in one emotion. Yet, also not just forgive and act like it’s all okay when you still feel hurt.

    Sometime I write a letter and let it all out. Get in touch with the anger and have a shout fest on paper.. Then you next emotion comes up.. Soon you feel better.

    Even when we are healing and letting go of the old person we used to be there is a little grieving period. It’s the same thing when someone stops smoking or drinking. There changing the better but you still acknowledge the loss.

    It’s kinda like you give that inner being permission to be upset.. So, much of being young for people was about supressing there not good feelings. Anger or fear.. and when you tap it and say it’s okay to feel this. You will feel better.

    Your worthy of forgivess and love.. Give it to yourself. Ask God to show you how.. Also, dont just depend on yourself.. A higher power is always a force of love. We have allows oursleves to be human and really feel though.

    I felt bad reading that you didn’t feel like you can tell anyone. No sin is bigger then others and if they were then I did those things too..

    It’s important that you feel supported. I know that this is a relationship blog but, your relationship with you and your scource will also have a lot to do with your relationship with men… On some level.

    Maybe it’s not the way to a mans heart but, you have to feel worthy and love you..To recieve love from someone else.

    A good place start is spiritually. I feel. As long as you are using to heal and help you..

    At some level a guy does appreciate this becuase a man was never meant to be a band aid. He will always have his own baggage to. And most people do want a soul mate – It would be called that is there was nothing spiritual to it.

    Yet, I do agree with Rori and trying to teach or only be spiritual with a guy wont keep him.

    Loving you will keep him and if that higher power help you love you then it’s all good.

    Feel better! We’re all in this together 🙂



  205.  #205Alicia on January 14, 2011 at 1:59 am

    Oh ick.. spelling errors I feel bothers with mine…

    Anyway. I meant to say..

    A soulmate wouldn’t be called that if there was nothing spiritual to it.

    You teach people how to treat you by how you treat yourself. On some level we know spiritually we are loved but, it takes for our human mind to really recieve it and know it.

    Forgiving yourself or others isn’t a 1, 2 snap.. All these tools ultimately help do that.



  206.  #206Alicia on January 14, 2011 at 2:01 am

    lol.. seriously Alicia.. I meant bothered. Maybe I’m sleep typing. It is 4am



  207.  #207LonePlum on January 14, 2011 at 2:01 am

    200 Alicia

    I do not know what Christian Carter says in his work
    I have bought nothing of him
    I get his free mail and do not read it as after a few lines of questions I realize he is not giving any answers
    I scroll quickly the email and see it is one kilometer long and pure questions, no answer
    boring
    It is just a trick to fish the reader and make them want to buy his stuff

    But today’s letter surprised me as he actually “says” instead of “asks”
    lol
    and what he says in this specific letter is down to earth and pretty much what we say here but expressed in a different way.

    xxx



  208.  #208Alicia on January 14, 2011 at 2:04 am

    Loneplum.

    You remind me of me when I first started. It’s sweet. I see you are trying to help.



  209.  #209Alicia on January 14, 2011 at 2:07 am

    Mercedes!!!! I loved reading #84.. Sweet!



  210.  #210Alicia on January 14, 2011 at 2:16 am

    This is an a email from one of the guys I CD..

    I appreciate you making time for me. I’m glad I got to see you again because I saw a bit of a different side to you. You’re an intelligent woman and you have your own personality and opinions. I’m turned on by your confidence and you know how to handle yourself around others. You’ve always looked your best, sexy without being trampy. Mad respect! I really care for you and i’d be proud to have you on my arm and enjoy the sight of you in any light. You’ve got my attention and interest! I hope i dont seem too forward with this but i admire these things about you. I want you to know i think you’re AWESOME!

    —————————————–

    We text all the time but, in a year I have seen him like 3 times. Mainly because I’m busy with other things and I dont feel a strong connection on several levels.

    He’s adorable and I mainly feel a friend vibe.. If I got this letter from the guy I love, I would melt.

    But, I understand he feels this way cause I’m not avaliable all the time. This is why CD’ing works!! 🙂 🙂



  211.  #211Alicia on January 14, 2011 at 2:20 am

    lol.. I dont think I’ve ever had a guy say.. “I appreciate you making time for me.””

    Rori is on to something. 🙂



  212.  #212LonePlum on January 14, 2011 at 2:25 am

    Alicia 207

    I feel curious to know what is it you were doing when you were “starting”?

    xxx



  213.  #213Alicia on January 14, 2011 at 2:26 am

    This was my response…

    ————————–
    AWHH! Well, that all feels good to hear, Thank U! I enjoy hanging out with you and getting to know you better and I’m having a good time. I like that you make me laugh and I’m always myself with you. I like how things are. I know you don’t get to see a lot of me, I’m about to get real busy. My main focus right now is pulling myself together and making peace with some things. So, I’m not totally available.. I’m sure you understand, And I would love to hang out with you again sometime. Absolutely!



  214.  #214Alicia on January 14, 2011 at 2:32 am

    Haha.. I was posting Christian Carter.. like, identical..

    Infact there was a small riff on the blog about it. lol. Between some of the other girls. Rori had to jump in and defend him..

    I found him very helpful at first and wanted to help others. Then I got a counselor and that helped the most. I have his cd’s too. He a cute man.



  215.  #215Alicia on January 14, 2011 at 2:32 am

    #213 is in response to Loneplum



  216.  #216Rampiance on January 14, 2011 at 2:48 am

    Responding to Jas #18 ~

    Often when I’m listening to a guy tell his stories, like about a friend taking advantage, I really get into what he’s saying and respond to that, as in,

    “Gee, I’ll bet you felt taken advantage of when that happened.”

    Maybe he says, “Yeah.”

    So if my mind is intact and making connections, a parallel story might occur to me, and I might say,

    “Yeah, getting boxed in feels really uncomfortable. Like I feel kind of boxed in right now, after you paid for that wonderful meal and these drinks and now you’re talking about feeling taken advantage of.”

    All of this convo comes straight from my empathy for his situation.

    But I also have a deal with myself. If I’m ever in a situation where I feel like a man is putting me in a tight spot, I will not go along with his agenda, and I’ll call a friend to come and get me. In the case of Jas’s date, if his self-actuated response at the time did NOT include an apology for coming across like a flake, I would not allow him to drive me home. I’d call a friend or walk.

    Recently I was about 2 miles out of town with a new acquaintance at his place and I wanted to go home at about 3 a.m. He was inviting me to stay to morning but it felt pushy to me at the time. So I said, quietly, “Yeah, it’s an awkward time to go out in the cold, and that’s why I usually don’t go further than walking distance from my home.”

    He understood immediately that I felt stranded, he dropped all resistance, and got us going right away.



  217.  #217Katnina on January 14, 2011 at 2:53 am

    Alicia, wow, I feel amazed by and humbled by your response.
    Thank you. That is exactly what I needed to hear.
    I know that my inability to forgive myself for my childhood mistakes is part of why it is so scary for me to open myself up to men. The frustrating part is that I could forgive someone else for those same actions.
    I love your letter idea. Since i feel i am no libger the same girl, maybe I will write a letter to the girl I was and forgive her and acknowledge all of the pain she felt.
    I spoke with a spiritual healer a couple of months ago and she told me I need to get in touch with my spirituality (I am usually way too rational and have been brushing spirituality aside for a long time now).
    It’s time for me to embrace my spiritual side.



  218.  #218Alicia on January 14, 2011 at 4:03 am

    This sounds like Enya but it’s not!! I think it’s from the Pure Moods cd.. Very sireny.. 🙂

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeYTBvanFmE

    This feels peaceful and fun and sexy.. and angelic.

    haha



  219.  #219Alicia on January 14, 2011 at 4:07 am

    Cool Katina..

    Trust me if I can do it you can.. Its always a work in progress.. But, you can do it. I mean if you knew then what you knew now it would be different.

    But, you didnt.. so forgive.. and din’t stuff the feelings. Allow your self room to feel angry, sad, scared.. and then great 🙂



  220.  #220Mercedes on January 14, 2011 at 6:27 am

    Lucy & SLV: I didn’t get to your questions last night, but in answer, I fess up as soon as he asks about my real profession. When I joke about what I do, it’s not so I can decieve him…I’m doing it to have a little fun and when he’s done having fun and wants to talk about my job, I’m going to tell him what I do.

    As far as fessing up about my name, that depends. If I’m never going to see him again then he’ll never know my real name (like those people in the bar in Florida…we didn’t exchange numbers or email or anything and I never told them my real name) but if there’s a chance we’re going to meet again, then I tell them my name…also if I’m giving someone my phone number…

    Other than that, it’s just about being flirty and having a little fun and making people laugh. I’m never doing it so a man doesn’t know what I do for a living…I do it because it makes for a better conversation than what I do for a living does. lol

    And I do it because I like seeing J look down and shake his head and smile while trying not to give me away. He still doesn’t quite know what to say when I do those kind of things and whoever I’m talking to almost always looks at J in that split second before he realizes I’m joking. 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  221.  #221Senior Lady Vibe on January 14, 2011 at 6:57 am

    @198: Alicia says:
    “…Why would u mirror his interest?…”

    Good morning, Alicia. I think that is meant as “level of interest.”

    Probably someone who knows more has posted about this by now but I wanted to add that thought before I finished rest of posts.

    I’m feeling a little melancholic this morning.

    I think I’ll go make some oatmeal with butter and cinnamon…comfort foods from long ago.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  222.  #222Senior Lady Vibe on January 14, 2011 at 7:04 am

    @207: Alicia says:
    “…Loneplum.
    You remind me of me when I first started. It’s sweet. I see you are trying to help…”

    LonePlum actually helps. Big time!

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  223.  #223Senior Lady Vibe on January 14, 2011 at 7:15 am

    @207 Alicia

    I see that LonePlum is helping. Very helpful.

    xoxoxo
    SLV
    P.S. Did you see the Animoto web site? I’m going to check it out this weekend.

    Adding more onto post. I’ve got the children this afternoon…and i love them dearly…but i was just thinking. Please don’t hate on me for this…

    During the Mommy years — I loved my Mommy years — you can sure end up with little time for yourself.

    Same thing with having a job, particularly of the nine-to-five variety. Most of my life I avoided those or had one where I could come and go as I pleased most of the time but also had long hours.

    Oh, well just musing. For those ladies who are making a last quarter dash to become mothers…well, if you don’t make the goal line, you will still be OK. There are lots of other ways to nurture and mother without having babies.

    I’m being Mom again today and I am “back-up Mom on call.” Oh, my kids have it so easy…! Love ’em!



  224.  #224Senior Lady Vibe on January 14, 2011 at 7:26 am

    @209 Alicia
    “…#We text all the time but, in a year I have seen him like 3 times. Mainly because I’m busy with other things and I dont feel a strong connection on several levels…”

    I bet you are all those good things mentioned in the message but when I read those kinds of messages from guys not well known (maybe yours is well known) I wonder if it’s a true message meant just for me.

    [Yeah, I know I’m fabulous, no problem there.] I then wonder if I’m reading a form letter and I sense an “auto-responder” quality if I don’t see specific references in a message. I’m kinda picky I guess… 😳

    I would probably value more the little text messages you get…except I don’t text. Are they more specific and more personal? More fun?
    😆

    What do you think?

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  225.  #225Simply Shannon on January 14, 2011 at 7:37 am

    SLV, thank you for writing that about mothers! I am one. Always wanted desperately to be one. And boy oh boy does being a mother change your life! The thing for me is that I haven’t become the mother I thought I would be. I LOVE my children but they are a part of MY life, not the other way around. I’ve been able to create a life with them where we have good quality time together but I also have ME time. My divorce actually created this space for me. (An unknown perk at the time – LOL!) And truly, it feels great! I feel weird talking to moms who only talk about their kids, who only do stuff with them, and can’t bear to be apart from them for at least a few hours a day. Like who are you and what planet did you come from?

    It is definitely possible to have children and still be me. I’m a girl first, then a mother.

    Oh and my boys respond to feeling messages. It’s hilarious!



  226.  #226Senior Lady Vibe on January 14, 2011 at 7:52 am

    @223: Simply Shannon says:

    “…It is definitely possible to have children and still be me. I’m a girl first, then a mother…”

    SS, it’s happened again, you’ve brought me another “attractor.”

    I like adult conversation and not always child centered. I thought I’d moved into a range where that would not happen but now there are the …. grandchildren.

    And I do spend lot of time with them and love family oriented stuff but I appreciate adults only [not meaning x rated] convo an events too.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  227.  #227tinque on January 14, 2011 at 8:00 am

    Shannon – “Tinque, I’ve really tried to figure out how to let go of this the way you have with K. I’d LOVE to see it the way you do. I’m guessing that hasn’t happened for me because the men I’ve been with haven’t made me believe they loved me even when they weren’t around.”

    There it is right there. You pretty much answered your own question.

    It’s has also been in part releasing some of my own insecurities and my feelings of not being enough. Which in turn has let him into my heart more and more. The more you allow them in, the more they want to stay in there and you can feel them in the

    Now that K is inside me in this way, I feel him all the time if I choose to.

    xxoo



  228.  #228Lori on January 14, 2011 at 8:00 am

    I feel like this post also shows how to weed out the men who are willing to step up and the ones who aren’t. I cut one of my CD guys loose last night after he TEXTED me at about 3 PM yesterday and asked me to dinner for that night. For months now, I have been telling him that I only have 2 free nights a week and I tend to book them several days in advance and often even the week before. He has continually over the past few months texted me last minute or on the days I’m working (after I’ve repeatedly told him my schedule) and asked me out. I’ve ended up turning him down more often than going out with him, but have always been very open on dates with him and have always shown my interest and made sure he’s known when I’m available. But he just didn’t seem to be listening to me.

    Yesterday after I told him I had already made plans for last night, he texted me back saying “maybe you’re not ready to date me or maybe this is bad timing for us, because you never seem to be available.” I texted back “I feel I’m doing the best I can under the circumstances. But it would feel better to have this conversation on the phone than via text”

    HIM: “I don’t feel like talking right now. what circumstances?”

    ME: “My busy schedule, my kids. Me only having 2 days off a week that tend to get booked in advance and you preferring to be more spontaneous and make same day plans.”

    HIM: “I just got out of a bad marriage. I want to be spontaneous and laugh and have fun”

    ME: “I want to laugh and have fun too, but my reality is I have to plan my free time in advance. I feel I’m doing the best I can under these circumstances.”

    HIM: “if you want to spend time with me, YOU text ME and let me know.”

    ME: “I’m off these days next week. It would feel great to see you! Which day would you like to have? : ) ”

    HIM: “I want YOU to be more spontaneous, I don’t want to plan this far ahead.”

    ME: “That doesn’t feel good to me. It feels better to me when I’m CALLED ahead of time. ”

    HIM: “If I call you spontaneously, are you going to be booked up by then AGAIN?”

    ME: “I’m free as of now, but I don’t know when those days will get booked up.”

    Him: “YOU call ME when you’re feeling spontaneous and want to spend time with me.”

    ME: “I don’t feel comfortable with that.”

    HIM: “YOU call ME when you’re feeling SPONTANEOUS and want to spend time with ME.”

    I didn’t respond.

    He was a big time boundary pusher. I stuck with my boundaries and he didn’t step up, but spent the entire time trying to break down my boundaries. I stayed strong. I feel strong, and the funny thing is, they get easier and easier to let go. No more sadness about things lost, but more of a vision of clearing the path for someone better.

    And I see someone promising on the horizon right now…. 🙂 I feel excited!



  229.  #229Simply Shannon on January 14, 2011 at 8:01 am

    Alicia, I’m on board with The Secret and loving my picture folder. Great idea! I feel happy when I look through it. Good vibrations!! 🙂

    I’m wondering about sending out my intentions for the man I want. Usually with Rori we speak in “don’t wants” so I feel curious how you are imagining the man you want. I would have a long list of what I want for a man but a part of me doesn’t want to limit the man by my images. Does that make sense? How are you imagining your ideal man and sending out those vibrations? Or maybe I’m missing the boat entirely and should I be imagining how *I* feel when I’m with him. ?? Ideas?

    I feel excited!! Thank you so much for writing about this!

    I will have everything I want. Woohoo!!



  230.  #230Simply Shannon on January 14, 2011 at 8:15 am

    Tinque, thank you! Yes I’m getting this. I want a man who would never let me forget he loves me. I’m in. I want!!



  231.  #231shaz on January 14, 2011 at 8:17 am

    hi i m from pakistan .i wonder when i read somewhere about being married since years,its strange for us as if u go to east every second person u find would be married since years.we have high respect for our husband who in most cases the only bread earner for the whole family,in reply the woman who is the queen of her little world is respected as an honourable wife, a dignified mother,a kind sister and above all a satisfied soul and most of us love to stay with our mate till the last breath and dont hesitate to make any possible efforts for that.that is how life goes on and its the real beauty.by the way i m a follower of islam,the religion of peace which teaches to b patient and kind



  232.  #232tinque on January 14, 2011 at 8:22 am

    Shannon – If I may add my two cents, how you FEEL with a man is the think I suggest you focus on, not so much what he looks like.

    K is nothing at all what I normally went for in a man in the looks department aside from him being tall. I deliberately went in with the desire to keep my mind open.

    Looks change anyway, and I also found that my perception of looks changed too. I now think he’s absolutely adorable.

    xxoo



  233.  #233Femininewoman on January 14, 2011 at 8:47 am

    Dear Lori,

    Just read your texting conversation and have to say it felt like both of you were shouting at each other when you capitalized the words. Though I am not sure this is your style I would not do that if I were you. Whoever started it might have pulled the other person into doing that and if that is his style I would take it that he would possibly shout at me in the future. I personally do not like email or texting in capitals for me it feels like shouting. What do you think?

    I understand also your frustration around his last minute planning but if I were in your position I would test myself on spontanaity to see if he was actually teaching me a lesson about myself. The conflict here is around time I know but exploration might unearth other areas for you on that. I know that Rori teaches against last minute but if I am in a secure relationship I find spontanaiety exciting sometimes, that is where the surprises can come and I would want to be open to that.

    The conversation did feel icky and pushy though as if you would need to always bend to fit him. Maybe one of those kids who always had to get his way. I would hazard a guess that this might be immaturity showing its head for this guy. He might also be feeling insignificant and that you might not be interested. I wonder if it would have been appropriate to have asked if he was angry? “I don’t feel like talking right now” could have been the indication that he is angry and does not know how to deal with it so he avoids talking maybe because he is afraid of his own anger. I know that is speculation but it would be great to check in on your feelings around these words and if he contacts you again find out what it was about. I assume he is angry because of his stuff from the prior marriage not necessarily anything to do with you, but awareness could provide great help for future.

    Knowing what I know now I would personally be prone to just agree with him after he made the statement “maybe you’re not ready to date me or maybe this is bad timing for us, because you never seem to be available.” Timing and external circumstances can really create blocks.



  234.  #234Senior Lady Vibe on January 14, 2011 at 8:50 am

    @226: Lori says:
    “…He was a big time boundary pusher. I stuck with my boundaries and he didn’t step up, but spent the entire time trying to break down my boundaries…”

    Lori, thanks for posting this.

    Recently my eyes have been opened to men who do not wish to compete with other men but challenge and compete with women.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  235.  #235Femininewoman on January 14, 2011 at 8:54 am

    Re 231 “Recently my eyes have been opened to men who do not wish to compete with other men but challenge and compete with women”.

    I wonder if men really want to compete with me? I wonder if I am somehow going into boy energy when this happens? I wonder if it is a primarily feminine energy man that would compete with me? I wonder if I can outgirl him by not competing and really leaning back?” I wonder if the man is confident in his masculinity? I wonder how I can inspire his masculinity?

    SLV what do you think? Am I off base or too curious?



  236.  #236Senior Lady Vibe on January 14, 2011 at 9:02 am

    @232: Femininewoman says:
    “SLV what do you think? Am I off base or too curious?”

    I don’t know; I’m curious too. This is something I’m newly considering. I’m not sure what to make of it exactly or how it will factor in to my life…what to do with it!

    I’m pondering this new perception and watching posts to see if and how it pops up.

    Any other thoughts? I don’t know if there are any specific Rori posts on this. Could this man’s behavior be consider “feminine?” Hmmm, I wonder.

    I’m not totally defining everything as masculine and feminine — I’m just observing. I’m truly grateful for others allowing me to observe rather than having to experience everything firsthand.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  237.  #237Simply Shannon on January 14, 2011 at 9:04 am

    Tinque, thank you! Yes I want to focus on how I feel when I’m with “him”, who ever “him” is in all of his deliciousness. Yum! 😉

    Lori, If it were me and a guy said he didn’t want to talk right now but then proceeded to text me, I’d feel weird about that. Conflicting messages makes me wonder what’s up with him and doesn’t feel good. “I feel confused.” I wouldn’t try to convince him of what he’s doing wrong (i.e. not making advance plans), I’d just say “oh ok. It would feel good to talk to you when you feel better. What do you think?” And then when we do talk, I’d just feel my way around with him. I feel open and interested but I have my boundaries. No to last minute dates unless it feels good and I have availability. Period. No explanation, no discussion. Convincing doesn’t feel good. I know what’s best for me in each given moment. Spontaneity does feel good sometimes and other times not so much. Both of you are right!



  238.  #238Amy on January 14, 2011 at 9:05 am

    Hi Ladies,

    I have a random question and would like to hear your thoughts on it: My boyfriend and I have been broken up for 8 months and we have started to reconnect in the last 5 months. We are suppose to hang out tonight, but haven’t talked about it since the beginning of the week when we made the plans. I feel excited to see him tonight and want to let him know. Would it be leaning forward if I text him and say how I feel excited to see him tonight or should I wait and lean back?



  239.  #239PrairieGirl on January 14, 2011 at 9:05 am

    SLV I have read some but I’ll check out the dating category in particular… I forget where I read/see stuff and can’t find it again…I need to get better organized..Thank you!

    I hear ya on the chemistry thing… I read something years ago by Richard Bach that stuck w/me…might be a tad paraphrased but…

    “someone can be plain as popcorn and tell you their dreams and suddenly become so beautiful you just have to hug them”….

    I find this happens to me so I can really relate to the chemistry/love growing where there was nothing before…

    But what about when a guy does all the right things.. I have one now from a dating site.. I’ll call him Cop Guy… He says he’s a country boy can saddle and ride (lol) but he’s not what’s attracting me these days.. I want the lifestyle… rancher/cowboy..

    Cop Guy.. calls/texts everyday… says all the right things.. sweet.. but no spark… I can’t even make myself do feeling messages with him cause I don’t want him to feel more for me…

    I feel like I’m using him to not be lonely when no one else calls/writes..

    I found out this week that Smooth Cowboy (who pursued me so elegantly calling daily and being unflappable with my “sass” but then stopped calling so often after spending the evening/night with me) is still trying to get past a heartbreak from 4 yrs ago..

    Hmm… somehow didn’t mention that until night he was here… and then didn’t mention it was a heartbreak…just a relationship that didn’t work out…

    WTF? Why chase me down like that if you aren’t sure your over the past? Just about the time I’m feeling okay with being “done” w/him he calls and I melt..(I have a weakness for a Texan accent..just sayin’ lol) He tells me that when we were together he wasn’t distracted by the past at all and that that was HUGE for him…WHATEVER! I just wish I hadn’t let myself get so hooked… he’s so NOT what I would have chosen…too old..too… IDK… he was just so classy (smooth) and unflappable…

    I tell him it’s his fondness for “snot blowin hot blooded” horses (he likes the breeds that are known to buck but have great “cowsense”)..He says “ya just got ta warm their backs a little”… and that’s how he handled me… then when I’m hooked (and I don’t mean NOT cd-ing.. he knows he’s not the only one I talk to/see) he changes his MO calling/writing less and less…but when he does call says how highly he thinks of me and how special I am…

    I HATE feeling hooked! RR says to sleep w/them if I can honestly not care if they call after.. I so wish I could be that kinda girl… I keep trying and get heartbroken EVERY time… so now for the first time in my life I REALLY like/miss sex but can’t let myself have it cause I’ll get completely hooked/bonded…

    ARRRHH…. and Cop Guy who would do everything “right” doesn’t do it for me and this worries me that I’m not “healed” that I still have something broken in me that makes me only want guys that will hurt me somehow…

    OR probably more accurately.. I’m attracted to guys that live up to my negative belief that I’m not lovable or “worth” effort…

    I’m so working on changing that belief…

    Intellectually I KNOW my value/worth… with everyone on the planet EXCEPT a man I’m attracted to…

    Lucy, I’m so sorry about your M….There’s a whole breed of cowboy that made be swear off the whole lot for 20 some years…I’ve just now come back to my roots/raisin… I’ve realized cowboys/country boys are my blood type.. (the good ones).. they can heal me..soothe me..

    I don’t know where I read it recently (a newsletter?) where RR said trust your horse to know the way through the forest…WOW!

    I actually had my horse find the way when I was lost so I can so relate to that analogy… and I LOVED the post from last year someone (SLV? FW?) linked to about closure… “Ride on no matter what he’s doing”..

    WOW… but here’s the rub… I know the horse knows the way home… but it’s a home I’ve never seen (a great loving relationship w/someone who “gets” me and adores me and IS someone I feel for in return).. so how will I know it when I get there? I try daily to imagine it but it’s hard..

    Okay….I’ve just run off at the keyboard here…sorry…

    I appreciate this blog and all of you on here who share so freely from your hearts… you are blessing me… Thank you.

    Prairie Girl



  240.  #240Senior Lady Vibe on January 14, 2011 at 9:12 am

    @235: Amy says:
    “Would it be leaning forward if I text him and say how I feel excited to see him tonight or should I wait and lean back?”

    Just my opinion. 1) forward, yes 2) yes, give the guy a chance? I’d let him know I was excited when he called or however I got details, or when he showed up at my front door! That’s just me though…

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  241.  #241Femininewoman on January 14, 2011 at 9:12 am

    RE 234 Thanks Shannon that was really an eye opener for me.



  242.  #242Amy on January 14, 2011 at 9:19 am

    @SLV RE: 237

    Thanks hun! Yeah it feels better to see what he will do. Since we were together for so long, I feel confused sometimes with what I should do in these types of situation. If we had just met, I would be doing just what you said, so that is how I need to look at this now. Right? Right! 🙂



  243.  #243Femininewoman on January 14, 2011 at 9:22 am

    RE 235 In addition to SLV on 237 I think I have seen something here that suggested making other plans just in case this falls through to maintain your sanity. You don’t want to be waiting around for him. I remember also seeing something suggesting that “I feel confused as there was no follow up to firm up the plans for the weekend”.

    The following excerpt from Rori’s post might help a bit with this situation.

    “He won’t feel our love, he’ll feel PRESSURE.
    He won’t feel our open heart and body and
    passion just ready for him to dive into – he’ll
    feel our expectation.
    He’ll feel that we want something from him.
    And that feeling of being pushed and pulled
    will send ANY man running for the hills.
    To REVERSE this:
    1. Step BACK.
    I know how hard this is – and yet it WORKS.
    It works – as long as you don’t FAKE it.
    You can’t PRETEND to “Step-Back” – that’s just
    old-fashioned “playing hard-to-get” – and though
    it might work for a day, or even a week, it won’t
    last much more than that.”



  244.  #244Femininewoman on January 14, 2011 at 9:25 am

    Re 239 I think Rori said this is just “dating” again and should be treated as such, it is not a relationship. She also says we should continue being so that they feel they don’t totally have us for the whole relationship even through marriage. They always need to feel the need to win us.



  245.  #245Amy on January 14, 2011 at 9:28 am

    @241: Great advice… and perfect reminder! 🙂



  246.  #246Soul Sista on January 14, 2011 at 9:28 am

    Amy ~ YAY! i’m so glad you got that about leaning forward…i was rooting for you…this feels kinda like a feminine version of watching sports! LOL

    FemWom #240 ~ thank you for posting that!

    i feel a mixture of space that feels good and a little bit of sadness, too, missing him…but i feel a whole lot more love and i don’t feel angry with him at all anymore.

    It works 🙂 xoxoxo



  247.  #247Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 9:29 am

    Still trying to figure this out….

    So, if a man wants to take me out, I let him. Even if we have nothing in common, no shared values, incompatible lifestyles, and I feel no attraction to him.

    I go to see if the attraction will grow and the other things won’t matter anymore.

    Even though there are a hundred things I would rather be doing with my time — and my life.

    Hopefully the food is good anyway.



  248.  #248Lori on January 14, 2011 at 9:29 am

    Thanks Femininewoman,

    I’m very laid back conversationally and so is he, so I never even considered it might feel like shouting-thanks for that. It’s one reason I don’t like text for actual conversations.

    I actually did go out with him a couple of times spontaneously when I was free, but he knew I preferred to plan and insisted on trying to “make” me more spontaneous and trying to chnage me did not feel good. But most of the time he tried to make plans when I was already booked or working. It felt disrespectful and I don’t like that.



  249.  #249Senior Lady Vibe on January 14, 2011 at 9:31 am

    @236: PrairieGirl says:
    “…ARRRHH…. and Cop Guy who would do everything “right” doesn’t do it for me and this worries me that I’m not “healed” that I still have something broken in me that makes me only want guys that will hurt me somehow… ”

    Interesting guys!

    Regarding your thoughts that you are “broken”… Maybe you are more healed than you think you are. I don’t know. I like nice guys but I’m not attracted and want to have a relationship with every nice guy on the planet. Rori says give a guy a chance; Cop Guy sure sounds OK to me. What do you think?

    How about doing THE FLIP, there are three parts that LonePlum posted from Rori’s blog posts. I reposted them.

    If you go through previous last few threads you will find them. Use the browser menu bar, Edit ==> Find on this page function.

    Smooth Cowboy… girl, you better watch your step, unless you want sex right away but it could be fun… it’s up to you…because that’s what he’s up to…

    The previous opinion is mine alone and not that of the sponsor, your mileage may vary.
    😛

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  250.  #250Femininewoman on January 14, 2011 at 9:31 am

    Prairie Girl “He tells me that when we were together he wasn’t distracted by the past at all and that that was HUGE for him…WHATEVER! ”

    That reminds me that men get bored easily. I wonder if you became predictable. That tends to happen to me especially when the guy says “I know you”. I just the beginning of the year deleted two numbers, one after one guy said “I love you”. The other I told not to call me again. Waiting to see what happens next.



  251.  #251Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 9:34 am

    Holy cow, SLV! “Use the browser menu bar, Edit ==> Find on this page function.” All these years using the web and I never knew you could do that!!! Awesome! My life just got easier! Psych!



  252.  #252LonePlum on January 14, 2011 at 9:36 am

    Lucy 248
    lol
    lol
    lol



  253.  #253Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 9:37 am

    Interesting, I just logged onto Match and this window popped up in the middle of the screen that said:

    “Based on what you’ve told us in your profile, we’ve noticed you’re getting a lot of emails from people who don’t meet your criteria. Would you like us to show you how to use email filters so you can get more emails from people you want to meet?”

    YES PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Whew. Somebody noticed!!!!



  254.  #254Mercedes on January 14, 2011 at 9:38 am

    I like this…by Christian D Larson…and I’m going to try to live it a lot more often…so I wanted to share with you.

    I promise myself…

    To be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.

    To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person I meet.

    To make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

    To look at the sunny side of everything and make optimism come true.

    To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

    To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.

    To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

    To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature I meet.

    To give so much time to improving myself that I have no time to criticize others.

    To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

    To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds.

    To live in the faith that the whole wrold is on my side, so long as I am true to the best that is in me.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  255.  #255Femininewoman on January 14, 2011 at 9:39 am

    Dear Lori,

    Maybe a control freak? Or could it be a man who likes to take the lead with everything? I guess it is how we frame it. If I were in your shoes and he comes back I guess I would somehow tell him “I want you to be happy, you deserve to be happy whatever that looks like to you. My happiness includes being respected and I like my time and my choices to be respected as I am the only one who can control that because of my work schedule. I felt ________ when I was with you but I want someone who cherishes my feelings”.

    Lori I guess I would also check into myself to see if I am comfortable with a really masculine man as they tend to take charge of “everything” to the point sometimes of ignoring our feelings. Getting him conscious of your needs, especially if he is immature, will take a lot of work and commitment on your part. Is it worth it?



  256.  #256Senior Lady Vibe on January 14, 2011 at 9:39 am

    @240: Femininewoman says:

    I like that Rori excerpt. Do you have a link to the post?

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  257.  #257Senior Lady Vibe on January 14, 2011 at 9:49 am

    @244: Lucy says:
    “Still trying to figure this out….So, if a man wants to take me out, I let him. Even if we have nothing in common, no shared values, incompatible lifestyles, and I feel no attraction to him…”

    Lucy, I don’t think we date him forever, three times maybe ?…is this a Rori guideline?…so we can see if maybe there *is* something there. Could be…

    Anyway if you already know nothing in common, no shared values, incompatible lifestyles, no attraction (chemistry?)… how did you find this out without dating him a couple times?

    Anyway, who said, Rori? Daria? no dates if guy is repulsive to us… None of the guys you meet seem to be in the “repulsive” category.

    “…Hopefully the food is good anyway…”

    ROFL 😆

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  258.  #258Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 9:52 am

    Ok, I let Match set filters for my messages based on what I don’t want.

    I feel a bit guilty.

    And afraid that I’m shutting out possibilities.

    But what if these are simply boundaries?

    Then it’s a good thing, right?

    For example, I can’t be with a smoker for my own health and that of my kids…. So why even read their emails?

    I feel unsure.

    BUT – does anyone remember months ago when I said I was working on being able to open messages without feeling an automatic Eww response just seeing the pics?

    Well, I got past the Eww response, to a neutral place, then a compassionate place….

    And Now….

    I actually feel excited and interested opening messages, getting to see a new face!

    AND, better-looking faces are showing up now!

    (By “better-looking” I don’t mean handsome or cute necessarily — but just, well, friendly-looking and open…)



  259.  #259Senior Lady Vibe on January 14, 2011 at 9:54 am

    @248: Lucy says:
    “Holy cow,…I never knew you could do that!!! Awesome! My life just got easier! Psych!”

    “Psych!?”

    Are you pulling my leg? 😀 I wasn’t condescending. Somebody mentioned on earlier thread they didn’t know how to do it, so didn’t want to leave any doubt.
    😛

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  260.  #260PrairieGirl on January 14, 2011 at 9:55 am

    Cool SLV I’ll look for it…and thanks for the “how to tip”! What a time saver!

    Umm… I already did sex…and it WAS good… but that’s not the kind of smooth he was.. it was more like if I said something smart alec he’d just laugh and roll with it…never pushy… if I jumped 3 topics in one sentence and then caught myself he’d just chuckle and say “I kept up with ya, I’m flexible”…sweet, smooth, unflappable….

    He definitely showed me something I would like to have again in a man….

    I think Cop Guy is just what Christian Carter describes in that article LP posted when he talks about a guy that does too much and you feel you can control him so you’re not attracted…. that feels like an accurate description of Cop Guy…I’m not writing him off… I’m giving him a chance to grow on me… but dang…a cowboy hat and a wrangler butt turn my head hard enough to give me whiplash these days and he ain’t got either… I’m practicing being open minded/hearted….lol

    Prairie Girl



  261.  #261Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 9:55 am

    “Anyway if you already know nothing in common, no shared values, incompatible lifestyles, no attraction (chemistry?)… how did you find this out without dating him a couple times?”

    His profile, emails, texting, etc. Maybe meeting once or twice in person.



  262.  #262Mercedes on January 14, 2011 at 9:55 am

    Lucy: In my opinion (and I don’t think this is Rori, but I’m not totally sure), if there are really 100 things you would rather be doing with your life than spending time with a man who wants to spend time with you…then you should follow what you want and do one or more of those 100 things.

    If there really is ONE thing you would rather be doing with your time and if that one things is unhealthy (like sitting home waiting for a specific man to call because you really, really like him and want to be available just in case he calls…) then yeah…give the guy you don’t like so much a chance to buy you dinner and create a spark. What have you got to lose?

    Because if you know how to order, the food is almost always good. LOL

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  263.  #263Femininewoman on January 14, 2011 at 9:57 am

    Re 253 It was the eNewsletter How To Express Your Anger Without Pushing Him Away.
    From: Rori Raye Add to Contacts

    ——————————————————————————–

    Hi, if you’re feeling incredibly,
    hopelessly frustrated by your man and his hot and
    cold, immature or thoughtless behavior toward
    you…

    And nothing you’re doing seems to work or make him
    want to change…you’re probably making all the
    same mistakes I did.

    We women have ALWAYS been taught to try to improve
    our relationships with men in useless ways that
    damage our self-esteem and DESTROY a man’s
    ATTRACTION to us. That’s why you’ll want to check
    out my Modern Siren program –

    The “Siren” will teach you – quickly and easily,
    in powerful, completely new, FUN ways – how to
    reverse all the damage in your relationship and
    COMPEL him to want to get as CLOSE as possible to
    you.

    Dear
    Do you feel resentful toward your man because
    he makes you feel “unloved” and “untouched” and
    like the LAST THOUGHT on his mind at times?

    This can be especially bad when you plan a
    special evening together, and he cancels on you,
    or acts distracted…and all the hopes you had for
    finally having a special, intimate night alone
    with him turn to anger and bitterness.

    And then you find yourself giving into your
    anger and then suffering the pain that follows…
    because he gets angry back, storms out and slams
    the door, telling you he can’t “deal with your
    emotions”?

    Or – some of us have just the opposite problem,
    so perhaps you hold onto your anger so tightly
    that it almost FORCES a man to get angry himself
    in order to relieve the tension, or he just
    withdraws because things have become so
    “inauthentic” in the relationship.

    These are STYLES of handing our strong emotions
    and if you, like me, are using either of these
    two ways to “communicate” with a man about your
    hurt, disappointment, anger – even your DESIRE to
    have things be better – you’re getting worse than
    no results.

    You’re pushing a man AWAY.

    No matter what some of the books out there tell
    you about what “a man wants to hear,” or “how to
    be a ‘witch’ in order to have strong boundaries,”
    being a doormat or being a goddess isn’t all about
    the “words” you say.

    Because saying “words” that don’t MATCH what
    we’re feeling – even if we’ve been TAUGHT that
    they’re the “right” words to say – will KILL our
    self-esteem, and then right after that, KILL a
    man’s ATTRACTION for us.

    I remember this happening to me over and over
    and over again.

    I wanted to be “nice.” I wanted to be
    “reasonable.” I wanted to be “sexy.”

    I wanted a man to SEE me in the ways I wanted
    him to see me.

    But I wasn’t – NONE of us are – that good an
    actress.

    And, somewhere inside me, and you, too, the
    IDEA of living my life PRETENDING, or arguing
    “who’s right” (even just a little) felt soul-
    destroying.

    If you’re stuck in this same awful place I was,
    before I figured out how being TRULY MYSELF was
    the single most ATTRACTIVE thing I could be,
    here’s an answer and a solution for you:

    Here’s a letter from Genna, who can’t “control”
    what she does with her anger – and then another
    letter, from “Stacy,” who has trouble even FEELING
    her anger…Here’s Genna’s:

    “Dear Rori,

    Am I selfish? All I know is that when I don’t get
    attention, or affection, or sex for a long time,
    and then we have an evening that seems “perfect”
    for something romantic to happen – and then it
    doesn’t – because he’s got “other things to do” or
    just puts me at the back of his list – I just
    boil.

    I don’t know what to do and I start telling him
    off about something he did or didn’t do that has
    nothing to do with the fact that I feel
    so…”untouched” and “unloved.”

    I don’t want to leave him – that would feel so
    ridiculous. Why can’t I just do SOMETHING that he
    could hear – and that would change the way he
    behaves toward me? Thank you, Genna”

    And here’s the letter from Stacy:

    “Dear Rori,

    Sometimes I get so blue, and so bottled up when
    I’m not feeling loved by my man I feel like my
    head’s going to explode from trying to figure out
    what to do, and I’m going to just break apart from
    squeezing myself so tight.

    I can feel my jaw clench, and my arms get like
    steel, and I just want to run away from him.

    It’s so weird, though, because I want to grab him
    and shake him (sometimes I even want to kick him
    and hurt him…I feel bad about that and then it
    makes it worse…) – and at the same time I want
    him to kiss me and hold me and make passionate
    love to me – it’s so CONFUSING and it feels awful.
    Can you help me? Stacy”

    These letters are total opposites – but they’re
    creating the EXACT same PROBLEM in their
    relationships – and, amazingly – the same exact
    situation for themselves every single time they
    relate with ANY MAN.

    Genna and Stacy have different STYLES of
    relating with men that START from how they relate
    to their OWN feelings.

    The styles are complete opposites, but they
    create the SAME PROBLEMS.

    Both of these styles completely and absolutely
    UNDERMINE your self-esteem, and do the complete
    opposite of ATTRACTING a GOOD man:

    Both of these “styles” PUSH men AWAY.

    Genna’s instinct, when she feels bad, hurt,
    disappointed, or angry, is to “let it out.”

    Stacy’s instinct, when she feels bad, hurt,
    disappointed, or angry, is to “stuff it down.”

    The IDEA of letting your true feelings OUT is
    GREAT – it’s in the HOW of how you do that that
    makes all the difference.

    And the IDEA of having some kind of self-
    control, so as to not “spew” powerful emotions all
    over a man – the idea of CHOOSING YOUR WORDS (part
    of my Rori Raye Mantra) is GREAT – but it’s in the
    HOW of how you do that that makes your man either
    feel powerfully ATTRACTED to you, or makes him
    care LESS.

    Because just “letting out” your feelings all
    over a man by “telling him off” will only push him
    away.

    And “stuffing down” your feelings and
    PRETENDING (to him, or to yourself) that you feel
    something ELSE will ALWAYS push him away.

    Because “telling him off” or “stuffing and
    pretending” is NOT TRUTHFUL!

    And even if HE doesn’t notice it right off (and
    sooner or later he WILL) – YOU’LL know that it’s
    not truthful.

    And then, the moment we do something that does
    not FEEL like the TRUTH to OURSELVES…things go
    downhill.

    Our self-esteem depends on how truthful we are
    with ourselves, and the moment we say or do
    something that is NOT what’s REALLY going on with
    us – our self-esteem goes down.

    And as our self-esteem goes down, our Degree
    of Difficulty goes down, and we become less
    attractive.

    High Self-Esteem = High Degree of Difficulty.
    And High Degree of Difficulty = Attraction.

    So – if we’re feeling hurt, disappointed and
    angry, how do we “let it out” TRUTHFULLY in a way
    that raises our Degree of Difficulty, increases
    his ATTRACTION to us AND changes his bad
    behavior?

    This is what my Modern Siren program will help
    you do almost instantly – and in a FUN way that
    will create even MORE attraction for him.

    Because the more ATTRACTED a man feels, the
    more motivated he feels to CHANGE his behavior in
    order to win you and KEEP YOU.

    So – telling a man off is useless. And keeping
    your feelings to yourself is useless.

    In fact, telling a man off or keeping your
    feelings to yourself are even WORSE than useless.

    These are not “styles” that keep things in
    “neutral.”

    These styles of handling your hurt,
    disappointment and anger actually do DAMAGE to
    your love life.

    So try this Tool when you’re about to either
    “tell him off” or “hold it in” to actually
    INCREASE his attraction to you – SHIFT GEARS:

    1. STOP. Absolutely INTERRUPT what you’re
    about to do or say.

    Whatever it is you’re about to do or say is
    OLD, it’s what you’ve BEEN DOING – it hasn’t
    worked, and it will never work – so STOP.

    2. Sit down. On the floor is great, on the
    couch or somewhere in the middle of the room is
    best – don’t go slink off in a corner somewhere so
    he won’t see you.

    Just sit down wherever you are when you catch
    yourself about to do or say one of your two
    “styles” – the moment after you STOP.

    3. Take a very deep breath, let it out, then
    breathe in and out 2 more times.

    Let the air go all the way down your body, and
    focus on relaxing each body part as the air
    touches it.

    (Most important body parts for this – let your
    shoulders go, and your pelvis and vagina go. If
    your tummy is dancing around – let it, that’s
    fine.)

    4. Come up with the feeling you were about to
    say to him or stuff down and keep to yourself –
    like, for instance – “hurt.”

    Let’s say he didn’t call when he said he would,
    he didn’t show up at your house when he said he
    would, he made plans to do something elsewhere
    when you were hoping for a romantic evening…and
    you’re about to either TELL HIM OFF, or PRETEND
    everything is fine and wish him a nice evening.

    You stop yourself, you sit down, you breathe,
    you relax your body (Steps 1 through 3).

    Now – find the FEELING by…

    Knowing What The Feeling Is NOT:

    – You know it’s NOT that “he’s wrong and bad
    and hurtful…”

    – You know it’s NOT that “everything’s fine” or
    “I’m so glad you made other plans, because I
    really wanted to spend the evening alone washing
    my hair.” Or even worse – “I got invited to do
    something else, so this is great…” – (if it’s
    not absolutely true.)

    So – what DO YOU KNOW?

    – You KNOW you feel BAD. You know you feel
    DISAPPOINTED. You know you feel ANGRY.

    So – SAY IT!

    5. Tell the Truth:

    Say, out loud, without saying the word “you” –
    and LEAVING HIM OUT OF THIS ALTOGETHER – the
    feeling you came up with.

    Say: “I feel bad,” or “I feel Disappointed,” or
    I feel Angry.”

    Now:

    6. STAND UP TO HIM.

    This looks like: you don’t ASK HIM for
    ANYTHING.

    If he apologizes, say Thank You, and then say:

    “I don’t like feeling bad (or disappointed or
    angry). IT MAKES ME FEEL TURNED OFF.”

    7. That’s it. You’re done.

    Listen to what he has to say, and don’t DISCUSS
    his excuses.

    Don’t get into ANY discussion.

    8. Now you have to follow your feelings even
    more, because you’re going to have Triggered
    yourself with such amazing, brave, sexy, exciting,
    attractive, UNUSUAL – and totally UNEXPECTED
    behavior.

    Your Nasty Voice is going to kick in.

    9. Feel PROUD. Let the Nasty Voice talk, but
    don’t believe it, don’t do what it says, don’t
    defend yourself against it.

    YOU are in CHARGE.

    Say that OUT LOUD right now for practice – “I’m
    in CHARGE of ME.”

    Stand up to the Nasty Voice inside your head in
    this same way you stood up to your man – just
    follow the steps:

    Stop defending against the Voice in your head,
    sit down, breathe, relax your shoulders, pelvis
    and vagina.

    Say to it – “I’m in Charge of Me,” and then –
    and this is important:

    10. IMMEDIATELY turn away from your man, and
    from the Nasty Voice and go do something fun,
    happy, involving, exciting, useful.

    Go play with your makeup, or pet the cat, or
    open the novel you were reading, or take your
    purse and your keys and go to the all-night
    pharmacy to buy some new lipstick, or, if it’s
    daytime, go out for a walk, or go in the kitchen
    and make yourself some tea.

    Modern Siren will take you way past these
    simple steps and help you understand, finally what
    actually ATTRACTS a man – and it’s just the
    opposite of everything we’ve been taught.

    And what have we all been taught about
    how to “get” a man hooked?

    We’ve been taught that we need to be
    sweet, agreeable, sexy, beautiful, smart.

    If he’s not paying enough attention to us,
    that we should buy some low-cut outfit and try to
    seduce him into wanting us again, into LOVING us.

    That if he’s acting uninterested, it’s
    probably because we didn’t get his attention with
    the things we talked about. So we work hard to
    find some fascinating anecdote to share, or some
    piece of gossip or news that we think will get him
    to listen to us and really PAY ATTENTION to us.

    Meanwhile, he’s paying attention to some other
    woman and following her around like she’s some
    goddess…and she’s NONE of the things we have
    been trying so hard to be.

    She’s neither too sexual or too beautiful or
    really all that interesting.

    So what makes a man feel like he can’t get
    enough of us…our time, our energy, our voice,
    our attention?

    The answer is in my Modern Siren program. If
    you go to this link below you’ll read about the
    “false” ways we try to get his love and devotion,
    and why they don’t really work.

    And then find out what DOES work, and how to
    have those qualities that will make your man start
    chasing YOU for a change.

    Go here to take a look at some of Siren, and
    get some helpful ideas:

    http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com/ModernSiren

    While you’re waiting for Modern Siren to
    arrive, try these steps.

    This is a completely different STYLE of
    relating to a man.

    It has nothing to do with HIM, it has nothing
    to do with telling him what he’s done, and it
    definitely has nothing to do with stuffing things
    down and hiding your feelings from a man.

    Learn how to feel your feelings and then
    express them to a man in a brand new way that will
    knock him over. It’s like “shock and awe” when he
    experiences you in this new way.

    Let me know how this works for you…

    Love, Rori

    P



  264.  #264Senior Lady Vibe on January 14, 2011 at 9:58 am

    @257: PrairieGirl says

    “…sweet, smooth, unflappable…”

    And the sex was good too, and he’s back… hmmm, my kind of guy. Cool. I hope you two want the same things. Sounds like nice guy to date.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  265.  #265Femininewoman on January 14, 2011 at 10:03 am

    Just read my comment in 252 about “control freak” and it felt really harsh and judgemental. It feels real heavy in my heart that I think or describe any man like that, even though I am not discounting that they might exist. I just don’t wnat to feel this way about a guy who is doing the best he can. My heart feels really heavy about that one. I am looking through my life to find guys, maybe even my dad who I feel that way about. I forgive myself for being judgemental and I choose with every cell in my body to change that.



  266.  #266Senior Lady Vibe on January 14, 2011 at 10:03 am

    @260: Femininewoman says:
    Re 253 It was the eNewsletter How To Express Your Anger Without Pushing

    Thanks, I’ll read it here. Do you have a date? I hope I have that one. I’m saving my newsletters in e-mail folder but I’ve only subscribed for a few months.

    Thanks again.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  267.  #267Femininewoman on January 14, 2011 at 10:05 am

    Re 263 Sunday December 26, 2010



  268.  #268Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 10:09 am

    ‘None of the guys you meet seem to be in the “repulsive” category.’ (SLV)

    Most of the ones I meet are not repulsive bc I choose not to meet the repulsive ones.

    However, I do feel repulsed now by some of the ones I have met. Repulsed is a rather general term. I’ll look it up. 🙂

    1. tending to repel

    Oh yes, that feels good to know!

    Lots of guys repel me. They are not gross and disgusting, they simply repel me (“cause to react by staying away; cause to resist.”)

    So, hehe, this is rather circular I am seeing — if I feel resistance and want to stay away from a man then that means he repels me and therefore is repulsive to me.

    So, if we don’t have to date the ones who repulse us, that means we don’t have to date the ones we want to stay away from and feel resistant to.

    YAY!!!!! I like this.

    She shoots… she scores!

    I feel resistant to spending my precious time with a man I’m not attracted to = I feel repulsed by any man I’m not attracted to = I don’t have to date men I don’t feel attracted to = relief!!!!! =

    I get to date men I feel attracted to!!!

    Yippeeee!!!



  269.  #269Senior Lady Vibe on January 14, 2011 at 10:13 am

    @255: Lucy says:
    “Ok, I let Match set filters for my messages based on what I don’t want….(By “better-looking” I don’t mean handsome or cute necessarily — but just, well, friendly-looking and open…)…”

    All this: Match, etc is a whole new world for me. This post was very helpful!!! Now I know what to do.: Filter according to how many responses per month. I’ll go broad when there are few! And I expect there will be very few.

    I hope the food is good too 😆 but first date, coffee date is my preference. I think EMK says no to coffee dates, does anyone know why? It’s probably in his book, I haven’t finished it yet. I should go check the index,,,right now!

    Photos: Sometimes people look very different — for better or worse — IRL

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  270.  #270Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 10:15 am

    “Are you pulling my leg?” (SLV)

    No, I’m being sincere! I didn’t know you could do that! I am excited to learn it. 😀



  271.  #271Senior Lady Vibe on January 14, 2011 at 10:21 am

    @262: Femininewoman
    re 252:

    “…Lori I guess I would also check into myself to see if I am comfortable with a really masculine man as they tend to take charge of “everything”…”

    I don’t think it was so harsh. I was wondering though if guy was all that masculine as he kept insisting Lori call him rather than making plans himself. Dunno…

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  272.  #272LonePlum on January 14, 2011 at 10:24 am

    Lori 226

    HIM: “If I call you spontaneously, are you going to be booked up by then AGAIN?”

    That is very funny 😀
    So he is planning today to call you spontaneously these days next week and he is asking you to plan today to save them for his spontaneous date he is planning today but will word next week
    lol
    lol
    lol
    Or does he want me to spontaneously repeat that too?
    Lol

    So, you walked away and let things be in peace
    To you it means you let him lose.

    But I would spontaneously think, you know, just poping to my mind looool that he might be thinking
    “ah, at last, such stubborn woman she is, she has finally stopped repeating, she got it that she MUST save next week to call me spontaneously”
    lol
    lol
    Shall we have a quick spontaneous bet he will ask you later why you did not call? 🙂

    Am just having some fun at the man’s expense. Don’t mind me, please. The man sounded stubborn. And rude. And he got the “turn the situation around” syndrome. But don’t read this, because we are not to judge them lol
    I was wondering: was he pleasant on dates?

    SS : What I understand when he says he does not feel like speaking is that he can’t speak on the phone, but he can go on with the convo, safely protected by the texts.
    And he does go on with the convo by asking a question.

    xxx



  273.  #273Femininewoman on January 14, 2011 at 10:28 am

    Re 268 could it have been frustration or desperation? He did suggest that she was unavailable most times and inflexible to spontanaiety, as such he was insisting. Seems to me he wants to in full control, an all or nothing approach. It just occurred to me that it might even have been a temper tantrum he was throwing. Maybe the reason he is now divorcing? I know I am in my analytical brain there so I just wanted to advise Lori to do as Rori says and go back to how she was feeling with him to really pinpoint what might have been happening.



  274.  #274Senior Lady Vibe on January 14, 2011 at 10:28 am

    @257: PrairieGirl says:
    “…but dang…a cowboy hat and a wrangler butt turn my head hard enough to give me whiplash these days and he ain’t got either… I’m practicing being open minded/hearted….lol…”

    Ah, naw… a guy’s got to have some cute butt… 😆

    Maybe it’s there, hidden, yeah that’s it. You have to inspire him. You could be in for a big, big surprise!

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  275.  #275Femininewoman on January 14, 2011 at 10:30 am

    Re 269 they do what they “feel” like doing. I wonder what would have happened if she had just ignored him and gone silent as in the post? She most definitely would not have needed to give any explanation.



  276.  #276Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 10:31 am

    Thanks, Mercedes, you are right: the food is almost always good. Except for that one time last year when the spanakopita was made from canned spinach – blech.

    “give the guy you don’t like so much a chance to buy you dinner and create a spark. What have you got to lose?”

    1. In all my days of giving guys I don’t like much a chance to create a spark it has NEVER happened.

    2. What I’ve got to lose is the moments of my life where I could be doing something I enjoy more or want to do….

    “100 things you would rather be doing with your life”

    I wonder if there really are 100. Let’s see…
    1. clean the bathrooms
    2. work on my book
    3. play scrabble with my kids
    4. bathe the dog
    5. paint my nails
    6. rori’s blog
    7. cruise dating sites
    8. facebook
    9. yoga
    10. walk in the snow by myself or with family
    11. bake
    12. vaccuum
    13. do dishes
    14. dance in my kitchen
    15. clean my bedroom
    16. put away Christmas decorations
    17. look for freelance projects
    18. write a story for a magazine
    19. work on my other book projects
    20. watch TV
    21. play guitar
    22. play piano
    23. make a collage
    24. study psychology and spirituality
    25. work on my fairy house

    Well, I’m guessing I really could come up with 75 more…. but I’m feeling bored with this exercise.



  277.  #277Senior Lady Vibe on January 14, 2011 at 10:33 am

    @264: Femininewoman

    thanks! then I have that one if last month. But will read it while here, I’m a few hundred behind in that particular account… LOL 😆

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  278.  #278Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 10:38 am

    “Photos: Sometimes people look very different — for better or worse — IRL” (SLV)

    That is true of actual physical appearance… but I find that the “feel” of how they look is always the same IRL as in pics (as long as there is more than one pic to give different facets).



  279.  #279Senior Lady Vibe on January 14, 2011 at 10:41 am

    @Lucy

    “I get to date men I feel attracted to!!!
    Yippeeee!!!”

    Just wondering, if there is a three date “get out of jail for free” rule. If we determine attraction in first three dates, my supposition, have you ever had any “neutral” guys (I won’t use the R word) on first date who appeared more attracted after a few dates?

    A teeny bit more attractive? I know sometimes I’m slow to warm, and sometimes “luv” at first whatever…

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  280.  #280Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 10:41 am

    I showed my sister WH’s 8 online pics over Christmas, and she said, “It doesn’t even look like the same person in all of them!”

    I agreed with her, and said that when I met him I didn’t know which pic he would look like, but I knew what his look would Feel like — and I was right. 🙂



  281.  #281Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 10:43 am

    ‘have you ever had any “neutral” guys (I won’t use the R word) on first date who appeared more attract[ive] after a few dates?’ (SLV)

    No.



  282.  #282Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 10:49 am

    Maybe it’s bc I’m really open… so, if attraction is ever going to happen, it happens pretty quickly bc I am open to it….?



  283.  #283Senior Lady Vibe on January 14, 2011 at 10:50 am

    @Lucy
    “25. work on my fairy house”

    What’s the fairy house? I perked when I saw that. Interesting…

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  284.  #284LonePlum on January 14, 2011 at 10:59 am

    Femininewoman272 and SS 234

    oh right!
    i got you now!

    Yes i see here
    HIM: “I don’t feel like talking right now. what circumstances?”

    I should not answer anything from there.
    I already said i feel bad explaining on text and i’d rather do it on phone.
    So… I get busy elsewhere.
    He would either vanish or he would pick up the phone to get his answer 🙂

    Yes, thanks for that!

    xxx



  285.  #285Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 11:08 am

    SLV, I built a little fairy house in my secret backyard hiding place… It requires some upkeep… the weather and animals affect it, so I check on it every now and then and fix the roof or door or pick some flowers or berries to place nearby for the fairies. Sometimes they need new lanterns, so I find some and put them up…. or their pine needle paths need weeding…

    🙂



  286.  #286PrairieGirl on January 14, 2011 at 11:13 am

    #261 SLV he would be a GREAT guy to date…but I am SOOOO triggered… wow… that’s the first time I admitted/became aware of that…WOW!

    It’s the shift in his behavior ALONG with finding out about his past “scar” that “he bumps into”…his words…

    He went from emailing several times a day until I gave him my number then got up to calling every day with the rare exception (maybe missing one day a week) to after he came and saw me/spent the night.. called the night he left (was going to another state and would be up in the mountains then that weekend was Christmas)… called 2 nights later then on Christmas day… got an email the next to mornings…one liners…our usual morning fare “hope the coffee’s good and you slept warm… the sunrise looks like mountains here today”…

    Then NOTHING for 4 days! I sent an email saying that I was worried about him that of all them men I knew he was the last one to disappear w/out a goodbye… he said he’d call 2 days later when he could get a battery for his cell.. had livestock issues and equipment failure and couldn’t get into town until Monday… I sent email saying (feeling messages” I feel foolish, sad and foolish… He did call on Mon… I used all feeling messages and wants/not wants… he responded so sweetly was a great conversation… I said I needed words and to know what to expect and what was expected of me…

    I got an email the next am… short one.. no calls for a few days…then when he does it’s sweet.. and now we get into the scars thing… He talks like he’s still wanting to persue things… but then when I don’t hear anything for days… or only when I see him “online” on the dating site and figure he’s seen me… I just feel triggered… my old belief that “men will say/do anything to get laid” rears it’s ugly head…

    My BFF/cousin (who’s beautifully happily married for 28 yrs) says maybe you need to wait until the 5th date… I say that’s just like hunting in Alaska… you have to save more/work harder to get there but it’s the same hunt… I told that to Smooth Cowboy and he laughed… he’s sweet and good… but I feel so shaky and on uneven ground because I don’t know what to expect… I don’t know what’s old baggage.. what’s really going on w/him… yeah… triggered is the perfect word….

    I’m triggered because of the change in communication frequency after sex…I never initiate w/him so it’s excruciating to lean back and wonder and wait…He has his online profile set to having almost NOTHING a girl can see. His pics are password protected… he’s set up to completely initiate… I just can’t figure why he hunted me down if he’s still licking wounds… what did I need to learn from this?

    #276 SLV I have had the slow warm up MANY times… smooth cowboy is an example… so I won’t write off Cop Guy… he just seems too … something…. eager? needy? no not right… something… I’m staying open….

    Hugs
    Prairie Girl



  287.  #287Rach on January 14, 2011 at 11:15 am

    “Then once his beer is empty, he starts telling this story about how has has friends that never pay for anything when they go out and they keep expecting you to buy all the rounds of drinks. I listen and laugh at his story. But then he KEEPS GOING on with the story and saying yes, he bought his friends dinner and drinks and they don’t reciprocate, they’re just being cheap,blah,blah,blah. I suddenly become painfully aware of the hint that he’s dropping. I now see he is expecting me to pay for another round of drinks. I feel stressed because I know Rori talks about not giving back in that way. Also it only our SECOND DATE!!”

    I would be frustrated too. Perhaps, when you got back from the restroom, you would have been content to go home.

    It’s sometimes about interpretation. I had once talked with a man about a girlfriend who always wanted to split the bill equally when she had 4 courses, more drinks than everyone and had ordered takeaway for her fiance. When I had known the man for 6 weeks he confessed to thinking that I was making a statement and wanted to split the bill with him but not pay for his excesses. huh?

    lol! don’t be hard on yourself. Baby steps!



  288.  #288Femininewoman on January 14, 2011 at 11:18 am

    Re 281 I wonder if he feels you are predictable in explaining yourself so he probed with the questioning knowing you would respond. I just had aha moment here. You know how they say stick to your commitments and say what you mean do what you say? Well you say you rather “explain” on phone but continue doing it on text. So you do like explaining. Also why would he respect that when you continue to engage with him on text? Rori’s “Choose your Words” are jumping at me. I also guess we get respect when we state our stance and stick to it. Maybe that is something that inspires a man to respect us? Hmmm…. Is it because we do not stick to what we say why guys push the envelope with us??? Hmmmm I wonder



  289.  #289Femininewoman on January 14, 2011 at 11:23 am

    Re 283 “he’s set up to completely initiate” Isn’t this what we are all learning about men in general? I wonder why it is so hard for us to get into our heads? Is it that we are afraid that other women will get them before us, especially if they are more willing to “put out”? I feel a strange feeling deep in my stomach around this. I am wondering if our cultures have so changed the norms in public that we do not realize that our men are human beings almost preprogrammed to operate in certain and then end up shooting ourselves in our feet.



  290.  #290Femininewoman on January 14, 2011 at 11:25 am

    This blog is really helping me to learn plus I keep hearing from the men in my office environment that I am fun to be around now. I heard it several times already from one person. I really love this part of me that is carefree outgoing spirit.



  291.  #291Simply Shannon on January 14, 2011 at 11:35 am

    Haha! Mercedes and I are on the same wavelength. I love how I think the thought and then wham, there’s the words on the page. I didn’t even have to write them…

    Lucy (from Mercedes):
    “If there are really 100 things you would rather be doing with your life than spending time with a man who wants to spend time with you…then you should follow what you want and do one or more of those 100 things.”

    I totally and completely agree with this. It’s a good thing to have so many things you enjoy doing. And meeting new people (men and women) should be ON THAT LIST!

    I keep wanting to say that we’re dating to have fun, to meet someone new, not necessarily looking for our happily ever after. Oh and free therapy. Sometimes I date just to get a free meal and conversation. Or to learn a little more about myself. Why not?

    But just like Mercedes said, if something else would feel more fun, I should go with the more fun option and plan this other thing (a date) at a time when I feel more open to it.

    Yeah! I feel excited. This feels good to believe and trust for myself. 🙂



  292.  #292Femininewoman on January 14, 2011 at 11:43 am

    RE 283 PrarieGirl reading your post brought back some memories for me.

    1. A friend who is a business owner made a comment to me about a female worker, that she is too focussed on him rather than focussing on work. It told me he was quite aware that she was “into him”.

    2. That reminded me that somewhere in Christian Carter’s writing he suggested that men do not want women laser focussed on them. They want you to have your life and don’t necessarily want to be the center of your world. I guess unless they ask you to.

    3. I also read somewhere that men test us to see if we are a good fit for them. They will deliberately wait to contact us to see how desperate we are to have them because they have experienced it with other women who immediately want to catch them and put them in their cages.

    4. It is in the space or distance that they create that they actually fall in love with us. They have to miss us to feel they want us in their lives. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

    Reading your post also has me wondering if he has something to hide as in Meemee’s X who insisted on secrecy. I guess the flip side is also if he didn’t care he wouldn’t be hiding.

    Also did he ask for anything specifically is what I am wondering, exclusivity or commitment? Did he offer anything?



  293.  #293Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    There are a few men who I enjoy spending time with even though they are not right for me as a romantic partner. I guess that’s “guy friends.”



  294.  #294Simply Shannon on January 14, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    But until I meet these men/people, I won’t know for sure if I’ll have fun or not. Or if it will lead to anything romantic. Who knows. It feels good to be open to different things, even if I only try them once.

    I didn’t know I’d like sushi until I tried it. Actually I didn’t like the texture of sushi the first time. But the experience of trying something new felt fun, just simply for the experience. And over time and with more fun experiences of sushi, I now LOVE sushi. It’s my favorite food, well maybe a tie with Mexican food. 🙂

    Hehe! I feel open to new experiences with men and women and all sorts of stuff. And even if I don’t particularly enjoy the company or the stuff I tried, I’ll have had the experience. I like adventure! So many things on my bucket list to experience!



  295.  #295Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    Sigh.



  296.  #296Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    Did Evan really recommend not doing coffee dates? I feel curious about that. I wonder why he thinks that way.

    I personally prefer dates that involve food — so I know at least something will feel good. 🙂



  297.  #297Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    Shannon, I like adventure, too — but meeting men from online who I don’t feel any attraction for is not my idea of adventure.

    In fact, it feels like an anti-adventure to me.



  298.  #298Soul Sista on January 14, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    lucy ~ can i ask you a question? because i was just going through this a few days ago before i starting going on dates.

    are you saying you have gone on some dates with guys you met online and it was awful? or that you feel no attraction for them from their profiles? or something else?

    i’m curious.



  299.  #299Soul Sista on January 14, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    i feel whole.
    i feel secure.
    i feel happy.
    i feel love welling up inside me.
    i feel appreciation for life.
    i feel good.



  300.  #300Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    In fact… lightbulb moment … Adventure is exactly what attracts me! Wow, thanks, Shannon, I didn’t realize this before!



  301.  #301Judie on January 14, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    I have a rule if someone, even a girlfriend invites me they pay. If I invite them I offer to pay.
    When a man invites me to dinner I expect him to pay. If something such as the above at the expensive restaurant came up I’d tell the man my understanding of a date.
    If a man wants me to buy so soon in the relationship I’d try to discuss it but if it was an issue with him I’d not go out with him again. OR if I felt he was simply dumb in the dating area I’d suggest out next ‘date’ be a ‘no or low cost’ thing, like canoeing or a park etc.



  302.  #302Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 12:48 pm

    Soul Sista, yes, I have had a few “awful” dates.

    “or that you feel no attraction for them from their profiles?” yes to that, too.



  303.  #303Soul Sista on January 14, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    what was awful about them?



  304.  #304Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    Long stories, Soul Sista. I think there were only three that I would classify as “awful” — and they were some of my first dates after my marriage ended.

    One of them, I left after about five minutes. He chased me as I walked to my car and begged me to stay. Funny thing is, that was a year and a half ago and he still Im’s me from time to time.



  305.  #305Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    That was back at the beginning where I was literally saying yes to anyone who didn’t scare me, as per the program.

    Now I am learning to trust my intuition… follow my feelings.



  306.  #306Soul Sista on January 14, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    lucy ~ oh good 🙂 i am also pass that stage 🙂

    in general, i am also feeling tons of compassion for my mom today.

    oh, lucy in case you didn’t know, my mom just became widowed 6 weeks ago. ugh.



  307.  #307Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    So sorry about your mom, Soul Sista. Love and hugs and prayers for you and her. <3



  308.  #308lilyflower on January 14, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    Ok so I just had lunch with the barber. I told him that I am getting a tattoo today and he says, “Lady, I want to be a part of your life! You need to communicate with me!”

    I feel very scared by this, like he’s moving too fast…this was date #2, if you can call lunch a date?
    Maybe he is feeling me leaning back or the fact that I am CD-ing? And so he’s trying to push his way into my life?? I don’t know!!??? Help ladies?



  309.  #309Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    Darn it. It happened again. Every time I see a guy I might like on pof, he turns out to be Catholic! What’s up with that??? This is a recent development, but is happening All the Time now!!

    Must be a message in there somewhere…

    I wonder what the message is….

    Now I feel genuinely curious….

    🙂 Glad that frustration morphed into curiosity. 🙂



  310.  #310Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    I’m learning a lot today.

    1. I’m attracted to adventure.

    2. I like Catholic guys’ faces. Lol.



  311.  #311Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    Hmmm. Most of my friends (girls and guys) in highschool were Catholic. And I had a crush on my friend’s brother, who went to Catholic school. He was hot. Paul. Yummy. I wanted to go to Catholic school, too.



  312.  #312lilyflower on January 14, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    @ Lucy,

    What’s the harm in dating a catholic guy? From my experience, they are unlike Jewish guys (in that they don’t want you to convert). If you are attracted to them…what’s the harm on going on a date. Maybe they could teach you about your hesitation?



  313.  #313Simply Shannon on January 14, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    Oh okay. Now I see.

    Lucy, I don’t meet every man who asks me to meet me. Hehe. That’s funny. Wow. I’d never be home. Tons of guys ask “wanna meet and get to know me?” I only meet the ones where I feel some interest. When I feel excited to go. And I’d feel open to going on a date with someone I wasn’t all that interested in (for whatever reason) if they were inviting me on a great adventure.

    Reminds me of one guy who I didn’t have sparks with who invited me to go skiing with him. I felt open to that! If he’d just asked me for dinner, I wouldn’t feel as open to it. I have those other 100 things on my list which rank higher than a dinner with someone who I feel “eh” about. 🙂

    I want to keep an open mind. Every person who wants to spend time with me gets the opportunity to ask. I get the opportunity to decide how I feel each time and choose yes or no.

    And if I’m sitting at home bored, I might feel open to accepting a last minute date with an “eh” guy, just because I want to right then. Why not.

    I say eff the rules. There are no rules. Just guidelines. I’m wingin’ it!



  314.  #314Daria on January 14, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    Lilyflowee – sounds like he’s into you… Sonetimes that can feel overwhelming – for me, it’s when a man wants a lot of my time or pushes for sex.

    What thus guy wrote to you I would feel flattered by… He wants you!

    Allow urself to feel the fear of letting in a man who wants you… Babysteps.



  315.  #315Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    lilyflower, I don’t want to start a relationship with someone I know I wouldn’t marry.

    I did date a Catholic guy for awhile, though. (D)



  316.  #316Simply Shannon on January 14, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    Lucy, I’ve noticed that too! Lots of Catholics. I’m intrigued really. One of my girlfriends has been inviting me for weeks to go to mass with her but we haven’t been able to hook up yet.



  317.  #317lilyflower on January 14, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    @! Lucy – ah ok, I see. BUT…sometimes people put a religious affiliation on those sites….but it doesn’t mean they are active and practicing…or that they really believe it. Might be worth it to ask them how involved they are with the church before ruling them out…. just a thought.



  318.  #318lilyflower on January 14, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    @Daria –
    Overwhelming is definitely the right word for the feeling. Or shock…like how can this guy be THAT into me so soon.

    @Lucy – I don’t know where you are, but maybe try a different dating site? I like OK Cupid, but don’t know if it’s big in your area.



  319.  #319Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    Yes, Shannon!!!! #309. Exactly! That’s how I feel.

    I don’t want to spend every waking minute meeting guys just bc they want to meet me.

    And –

    “I only meet the ones where I feel some interest. When I feel excited to go. And I’d feel open to going on a date with someone I wasn’t all that interested in (for whatever reason) if they were inviting me on a great adventure.”

    Lol, YES!!!! That’s why I went with an “eh” guy to a hockey game — I had never been to one and it sounded fun and interesting.

    He’s got to have Something drawing me — whether it’s personality, looks, an adventure — Something.

    I feel so happy that you understand how I feel! 🙂



  320.  #320Mercedes on January 14, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    I’m starting to feel a touch offended. I wonder if everyone would be participating in this conversation at the same level if we were judging men by race rather than religion as someone we wouldn’t marry.



  321.  #321Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    Lilyflower, I’m on three sites — Match, pof, and Okcupid.



  322.  #322PrairieGirl on January 14, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    #288 FW I know you’re right about the laser focus.. and I’ve really been paying attention to that.. I don’t have the urge to “put him in the cage”.. I just feel sad that I thought he was different… he just didn’t seem “gamey”…

    No he didn’t promise or ask for anything he just “rolls” with whatever I throw out.. laughs and says I’m worth it, or a good person, or special in more ways than one.. Then I don’t hear from him…and he’s really not doing anything “wrong”… just different from before he got laid… I find myself missing him…missing getting to talk to him about everything under the sun (he’s a history major and is fascinating to talk to)

    I feel sad, disappointed, then angry that I got my hopes up..

    It just irks me that I got attached… He was so NOT one I would have thought I’d get hooked on…

    It irks me to admit that I am lonely for the kind of communication/communion I had w/him…I so don’t have that with Cop Guy but w/CG I can ask about anything…like an interview or something and he’ll answer… Smooth Cowboy has NEVER declined to answer anything but is just so classy and often reserved that I didn’t even talk in detail about sex until he was here…Now I tease him and he acts like he likes it…IDK…

    Truthfully, and it’s hard to admit this, I’ve been lonely for a long time… all 12 years of my previous marriage pretty much… Now I know what I want, feel ready to open up to it… and am tired of getting my heart hurt, tired of being disappointed… tired of mis reading? Thinking things are different than they turn out to be… Tired of what feels like games…

    I have to admit this has been a great learning experience..It helps me to write about it here and to read your experiences… I feel much more peaceful..

    Thank you
    Prairie Girl



  323.  #323lilyflower on January 14, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    @Mercedes – I don’t think Lucy is saying there is something wrong with catholics or they are bad….but just not right for her. We all have non-negotiables, and this is clearly one of hers. But I will bet on the fact that she did not mean any offense. Lucy?



  324.  #324Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    Mercedes, I’m sorry you feel offended. I am not judging men by religion at all. I just wouldn’t marry a Catholic or a Jew or an atheist or a Buddhist or…. any other religion besides my own.

    I don’t have anything against people of any religion — we’re talking about a life partner here, though.

    It would not offend me at all if a Catholic was on here saying they only wanted to marry a Catholic.

    Or if a Jew was saying they wouldn’t want to marry a Christian.

    I feel kinda surprised by your feelings. But I’m sorry for the offense you feel.



  325.  #325Simply Shannon on January 14, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    Awww Mercedes, I love Catholics! To me, a particular faith is just a different flavor of Christian. All the same God. 🙂 I feel intrigued by the differences. This same girlfriend and I have talked about it some. Her priest sounds pretty cool to me. I would date any man who is Christian, but I don’t want a relationship with a man who is not Christian.

    And I don’t date men outside of my race. It’s just an attraction level thing for me. Not about the race in particular. I’m also not particularly attracted to red-headed men. Or short men. Or gay men. Or women.

    I feel okay about this. I know there are tons of other people who are attracted to the men that I am not attracted to. So it all works out.



  326.  #326Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    Right, lilyflower. I have the utmost respect for Catholics. As I said, all my friends in highschool were Catholic, including one of the best friends I’ve ever had.

    Also, D is Catholic, and he was the CD I had more dates with than anyone else.

    Lol. Obviously I must LIKE Catholics, and be drawn to them on some level — they are attracting me online, and, of course, I like Mercedes. 🙂

    I also used to want to be a nun and go to Catholic school.



  327.  #327Daria on January 14, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    Success !

    Last nite 19 man called and… Talked about polygamy and how he’s seriously considering that… Again.

    And I felt heavy hearted… Again.

    And I even felt detached! Like maybe he is – askin myself “who is thus man and why is he showing up here for me?” – just here to help me grow spiritually. He already has.

    Then I listened to a story for a long time … And I let him know after he had told me it… And he’s like, aww… so u just let me ramble u didn’t have to… I said no u weren’t rambling I was listening

    Then he busts out with:

    I LOVE YOU DARIA. You are a sweet woman.

    I feel teary right now. I felt Awed. And confused because I had just become less attracted earlier.

    So I wound up sharing – I felt worried I’d ruin it – that I felt awed. AND that I felt weird because I don’t want to hear about other women. And that that Is a problem and I won’t tolerate this in my life. I don’t accept attentions from men that dont feel good, hearing that feels like hanging rocks in my heart.

    I said I respect that he’s thinking about it but I dint want to hear about it when I’m receiving the attentions of a man.

    He says so what do u want me to do when I think about it, not tell u? I said yes. Keep it to yourself.

    Wow. I felt heard. I spoke on this before but this time I really felt heard. And i had been ready to walk away. And the
    quality of attention from him improved!

    Then I shared with him about my life and being a gangsta…

    I felt shaky as I got filled with ‘impress’ energy and I felt it through, expressed it.

    Meanwhile Dman called me private on the other line and I told him I’m on the phone, call me later (I felt afraid I’m pushing him away, but I dont want just fwb which is what he offered me and I Was busy on the phone … It would feel great if this increases his attraction and I’m able to set great boundaries with him as well – he used to trigger me on the other women topic too)

    And I felt awkward and anxious switching the phone back over to 19 man… And I Shared that!

    And after I’d talked about sOme of my experiences

    19 ( o man new name). O man said he like we were closer to me and like he understood me better.

    I felt surprised. I felt glad.

    I feel good!

    I asked him what orisha would he be and he said ochossi which is what I thought him the first time and all along… Wow magic. I felt very comforted then.

    I feel like hugging my phone… I feel good now.

    I feel pleased too to think I helped this man grow into filtering the quality if attention he gives a woman – me.

    🙂



  328.  #328Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    I’m open to dating outside my race, and do feel attraction to some black men (e.g., my daughter’s RT, hehe)… have emailed and texted with some, but never made it all the way to meeting.

    Baldness is a turn-off for me, but I try to stay open to it. Had a date with one.

    I remember Daria saying she likes skinny men — yet I am turned off by skinniness.

    Variety is the spice of life.



  329.  #329Mercedes on January 14, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    Just saying I was starting to feel a touch offended. No worries…the overwhelming feeling is that of gratitude that J and I didn’t let something like religious differences get in the way of us.

    and I was curious if someone came on here and said “what’s up with all the black men on pof?” because she “wouldn’t marry” a black man…well…wondering if ladies would jump on and point her to another website that had mostly white profiles or if they would remind her that people are people regardless of race or religion she might consider losing the list of qualifications. Curious.



  330.  #330Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    Mercedes, I feel curious… As a Christian/Catholic, what would you put on a dating profile?

    Catholic?
    Christian- Other?

    (I put Christian – Other on mine.)



  331.  #331Mercedes on January 14, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    Lucy: I would put Catholic



  332.  #332Mercedes on January 14, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    Lucy: comment 325 wasn’t intended for you specifically…it’s sort of “in general” when would followers here advise someone to remove disqualifiers. At what point would we say “sheesh! It’s dinner, not your wedding” lol



  333.  #333lilyflower on January 14, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    @Daria – I feel glad for you that you were able to express yourself to 19 man. =)

    To change the topic a bit. I had this question that I thought would be answered in the Targeting Mr. Right program but wasn’t…

    Am I supposed to be telling men that I am circular dating? What if they ask? How can I put it so that I don’t offend them or push them away. I want to say it in a way that is empowering to me but isn’t offensive to them. What say you? Lucy? Mercedes?



  334.  #334Girl on January 14, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    I feel soooo good. I made eye contact with a man who eventually approached and got my number today. And made rough plans to hang out Sunday. There’s all this LOVE coming from all kinds of men who are treating me so nicely. yay! This feels so good and fun and hott!!
    And Mr.EMK, about the whole Ted thing – maybe what your client experienced is opening up and feeling fully bloomed and beautiful and hott left her feeling uninterested in being with a man just because he’s nice and interested. I want to FEEL it for a man. And I’ll give a man a chance to give it to me good, but I won’t be settling, thank you very much.

    ha, now that I sounded all high and mighty, doubt is creeping back in. Okay, so maybe I won’t feel so sure about my standards for hottness on some other day when I feel burned…but today, I feel good about waiting for something I feel darn sure is BETTER than what I got, and what I got is good.



  335.  #335Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    “or if they would remind her that people are people regardless of race or religion” (Mercedes)

    I don’t think anyone here needs to be reminded of that!

    Wow. I feel kinda angry!



  336.  #336Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    As far as race goes, YES, people do notice race!

    My town built a new movie theater a couple years ago, and mostly white middle class people go there, bc that’s who lives in the area… my kids and I noticed this, and didn’t like it — we were used to the theater in the city which was much more diverse in every way.

    Nothing wrong with noticing race or religion and talking about it.

    Nothing wrong with having certain things you want in a spouse.



  337.  #337Mercedes on January 14, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    lilyflower: I’m all about honesty when it comes to relationships. When I was doing it, I told J. He hated it but once I started dating him again too, he hated it enough that he began to make sure I had just about zero time available to see other men. That was cool. But he really did hate it (a lot).

    I also wasn’t sleeping with anyone at the time, so I think maybe that’s why I didn’t lose him. He did tell me if I had slept with my CDs I probably would never have seen him again because it would have broke his heart.

    If I were to do it again, I would do it the same way. He would know and he would have to deal with how he felt about that.

    Regardless of how he feels about it, my vote is for honesty. If it upsets them, they’ll figure out a way to handle their own feelings and the way they do that will help you see how they handle being upset (something you need to know if you’re considering a relationship with someone). 🙂



  338.  #338Daria on January 14, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    I feel weird too hearing that people wouldn’t marry because of religion or race or even being short!

    I feel like oh no! Reading that.

    I feel fear.

    I have a lot of my own unnecessary obstacles to love to heal up.



  339.  #339Mercedes on January 14, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    Daria: 334….I’m with ya girl!



  340.  #340Simply Shannon on January 14, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    I feel weird and amused that anyone else feels weird about MY preferences. I feel good about MY preferences. I don’t want anyone to take on MY preferences.

    May I suggest everyone take on their own please. 🙂



  341.  #341Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    Daria, I can and do Love people of every kind, religion, race, size, etc.

    But marriage and building a life together is not just about love.

    And my faith is not just a religion — it is a way of life and an integral part of my very soul and spirit. I want a man who I can connect with on that level. It’s very important to me — more important than anything else in a partner.



  342.  #342Simply Shannon on January 14, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    Hooray Lucy for 337! My words exactly. I love how y’all write them for me. Thank you! 🙂

    “And my faith is not just a religion — it is a way of life and an integral part of my very soul and spirit. I want a man who I can connect with on that level. It’s very important to me — more important than anything else in a partner.”

    Maybe we should get married? LOL!



  343.  #343Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    I agree, Shannon.

    Some people have preferences of monogamy and fidelity… others like polyamory or open marriage….

    From what I’ve seen, Daria and Mercedes, you have strong personal preferences about those things, right?

    Would you marry a polygamist?



  344.  #344Simply Shannon on January 14, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    Oh and I feel open to changing my mind about any of my preferences at any given time, depending on my mood. Lalala…



  345.  #345Mercedes on January 14, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    ok…I wasn’t trying to compare religion to polyamory or even to getting married. LOL! I was talking about dating…dinner…drinks….etc.

    To answer your question, I would happily (if I were single) go on a date with a man who was into poly. Happily. And I would get to know him and I would be open with him and his preference in that area would not make me not want to be on a date with him. But that date being a preamble for someone I might marry seems like putting the cart before the horse a little.

    Really though…I was asking if most of the women here are more tolerant of someone saying they see a lot of a specific religion on a dating site than they would be of a comment about a specific race. Would it feel more acceptable and would they get suggestions for alternate dating sites if it were about race?

    I’m not the one that took it to a short/tall/skinny/fat/bald/marriage thing. I was talking about a dating site and the reactions to it from followers here. 🙂



  346.  #346Daria on January 14, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    I feel triggered… I feel amused that I seem to be receiving ‘explaining defenses’. Check that out guys!

    Me feeling triggered hearing those tells me I do those things too.

    How Daria?

    Well for example I don’t want a man who doesn’t ‘get’ my worldview when it comes to war, cultural-social interactions,

    And I feel scared to be with a fat man – my family is big on not being fat and I feel afraid of being judged by them. Thank u for sharing Daria.

    I forgive myself, and I forgive everyone for their own preferences that aren’t about being treated well.

    I intend to heal thus in a feel good way.

    I want to clearly accept the love of all men that want to make me feel good, without the unnecessary restrictions that ate not about relationship.

    And also I want my life to include the things I’m passionate about and I want to feel encouraged and supported and ‘got’

    That’s what matters, that I feel ‘got’ , not the outside stuff that I Think will make me feel that way.

    I’m not in charge of that. Yay!



  347.  #347Mercedes on January 14, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    Oh…but to put it in perspective from where I’m at:

    I’m madly in love with J…and I wouldn’t marry him either. 😉



  348.  #348LonePlum on January 14, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    Mercedes
    lol 🙂



  349.  #349Simply Shannon on January 14, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    Mercedes, As an example, if someone was discussing that there were too many white men on POF (and they were looking for Asian men) and I personally knew of a Asian dating site, then yeah – I’d send them a link to it. I don’t see anything wrong with that. Maybe I missed something.



  350.  #350Jeannette on January 14, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    Lucy, I think I understand what faith you are with. I have been a part of that. I too want a man that I can connect with on ALL levels. It’s so hard though because sometimes I have trust issues. I really have never been convinced that a man loves me (appreciates me) for my faith and integrity. I want to know how to tell when a man REALLY loves me….I mean REALLY LOVES ME.. How can you really tell?



  351.  #351Simply Shannon on January 14, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    LOL Mercedes! Love it!



  352.  #352lilyflower on January 14, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    @Mercedes
    333 – yes! Thank you! I needed that validation, that felt good!

    341 – I would feel good about that. I like dating black men and they are hard to find on dating sites. So if someone were to say they wanted to find more black/mexican/indian men on a site I would feel good about that because we all have preferences and there is nothing wrong with that…



  353.  #353Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    But this preference IS about relationship, Daria. That’s my point. It’s Completely about having the relationship I want.



  354.  #354Mercedes on January 14, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    Shannon: I see that. For me, I’d be like “what does being white have to do with having dinner?” and if her answer was “I’d never marry a white man”, my response would be “who proposed?” LOL



  355.  #355Jeannette on January 14, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    GIrls I posted #346, did anyone see it come up?



  356.  #356Daria on January 14, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    On a similar note I am so proud of myself!

    O man (previously called 19 man) is very spiritual in a way that vibes in a lot of ways with mine. He’s helped me grow here and I have shared some of my wisdom with him abd was appreciated.

    In the past, this would have created for me a huge attraction that I would think is romantic…

    This is similar to what occurred with me and guywhohadababy.

    However, I now Noticed that while it felt good to be admired, it did Not feel like being wooed. My heart didn’t feel warmed and given to in that feminine he’s protecting me way.

    So, even though it was very attractive for me to ‘impress’ with my wisdom…

    I practiced switching hats back into feminine and my feelings.

    And I succeeded in expressing my feelings! And negotiating on not hearing about other women – even though polygamy is fascinating to me spiritually and mentally.

    My Heart did Not feel good in a romantic sense.

    And I reminded myself that there will be more growth for me spiritually, I do Not have to hold in to this particular man for that… If it doesn’t feel good to me Romantically.

    I basically switched from friend to woman… And it Worked! I did it!

    This was what was missing for me with guywhohadababy and Dman… I get so caught in the friendship and being lived and loving and appreciated as a friend… That I ‘forget-ignore’ my romantic heart feelings.

    ‘so what if he talks about other women, I know ge likes me and respects me ‘. But this feels Bad in my heart cuz it’s not how I want to be Wooed.

    Spiritual and mental growth is not enough – I Fet Rpri on this now… Yay!

    I accept men’s attention for Heart purposes. I say No to what feels bad to me romantically . Even if the man is a great friend and spirit.



  357.  #357Daria on January 14, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    Oh I now feel much more wanted romantically

    🙂

    Go heart, go heart… 🙂

    I’d be able to do it with guywhohadababy too right?

    Once I can answer a full yes to that , I’ll be free. And full. And maybe claimed. 🙂

    Babysteps… Dman keeps calling me… I’ll practice with him, too.



  358.  #358Mercedes on January 14, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    Jeannette: I don’t know if we can ever really find the word to explain how you “know” someone is really in love. I mean, those of us who have been married and divorced “knew” we had the right man when we married him. I think we can feel it for them…we can feel it coming from then…and then, at some point, we have to trust them, trust ourselves and trust those feelings.

    I also, for me, don’t see religious differences as not being able to connect on that level. J and I are VERY different in that area but because of RESPECT, we have a very, very strong connection at that level. VERY strong. MUCH stronger than any connection I’ve ever had with a man who shared the same faith with me. But…that’s about respect and about both people being open to it. If it weren’t for that, it would never work.



  359.  #359Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    My original point got completely lost in everyone’s triggers. Lol. Oh well.

    Carry on. 🙂



  360.  #360lilyflower on January 14, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    Lucy – let’s get back to your point…what was it?



  361.  #361Jeannette on January 14, 2011 at 2:55 pm

    I don’t know…I think I have something about me that believes NO man can love me…It’s stupid but everything bothers me….If my man says how pretty a woman is on TV and hasn’t said that about me very often…it bothers me. I feel slighted easily. I feel like my man should be with me tonight but when we talked he didn’t make mention of it. It’s the 2nd week in a row, no together time on Fri. When we first got together we would sometimes see ea. other Thurs. Fri. Sat. Sun. Now it’s Sat. and Sun. I know it’s gotten cold outside and he lives a half hour from me but big deal. I just don’t know if this is love. And no matter how you put it, even if you use FEELING MESSAGES, they see you come across as needy. If I said, how come you don’t come over on Fri.’s anymore, using feeling messages, he’d see me as a nag….really…that is how men are….



  362.  #362Mercedes on January 14, 2011 at 2:55 pm

    A touch of humor for anyone who has nasty voices visiting this weekend:

    Whatif by Shel Silverstein

    Last night, while I lay thinking here,
    some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
    and pranced and partied all night long
    and sang their same old Whatif song:

    Whatif I’m dumb in school?
    Whatif they’ve closed the swimming pool?
    Whatif I get beat up?
    Whatif there’s poison in my cup?

    Whatif I start to cry?
    Whatif I get sick and die?
    Whatif I flunk that test?
    Whatif green hair grows on my chest?

    Whatif nobody likes me?
    Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
    Whatif I don’t grow taller?
    Whatif my head starts getting smaller?

    Whatif the fish won’t bite?
    Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
    Whatif they start a war?
    Whatif my parents get divorced?

    Whatif the bus is late?
    Whatif my teeth don’t grow in straight?
    Whatif I tear my pants?
    Whatif I never learn to dance?

    Everything seems well, and then
    the nighttime Whatifs strike again!



  363.  #363happilyfree on January 14, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    Hello everyone. I have been reading so much on this blog and have gotten rori’s emails for several years! I love her stuff so much.

    My issue is my brother wants me to go with him to a young adults church service that he really likes. I want to go, it sounds like fun and it would be nice to spend some time with my brother. Here’s the thing: I know that this guy I used to really like goes there and I keep going back and forth between:

    I feel worried I would feel like an idiot seeing him again and be unable to deal with it. I feel afraid of feeling stupid for dumb things I have done in the past.

    On the other hand, I feel indignant at the thought that his presence should make me change my life around. I feel mad that I would let him have the power to determine where I go or dont go. Sometimes I feel like I could feel great and just have fun and not care at all what he thinks or if I see him. But I dont want to go if I secretly am hoping to see him, which i think part of me is.

    Thoughts? Thank you so much in advance I love this blog!



  364.  #364tinque on January 14, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    Jeannette – How about this instead.

    “I miss you. I miss seeing you. It would feel so good seeing you on Fridays. What do you think?”



  365.  #365Daria on January 14, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    “My original point got completely lost in everyone’s triggers. Lol. Oh well.

    Carry on. ”

    I feel triggered by this! This seems like ‘innocent’ passive aggressiveness… Reading it I feel dismissed and not enough to be paid attention to… My words are ‘everyones’ triggers, and then

    The original ‘point’ is the only important thing…

    And It’s a complaint yet a command to keep doing what seems to bother the complainer.

    I feel scared! This person Diesnt mean what she says she’s not telling me her true ferlings she’s being sarcastic,

    She’s trying to shame me… I don’t want to feel shamed…

    I feel guilt tripped, blamed and attacked and covered with a smile.

    The intent seems to be… I feel forgotten! And I am blaming you for it! And not telling the truth about what I want!

    I mist do this! How do I do this?

    Ok maybe with men and other women, When I feel compelled to yell ‘it’s good’. When it’s really not.

    “it’s good, go Fuchk with your other bitches”

    I forgive myself! I love myself! I forgive Lucy…

    And disclaimer… All the guessing and seeming was about what goes on in Darias mind as she’s triggered. It is not intended as a description of Lucy or facts about her intent thoughts or ferlings. Only what goes on for me.



  366.  #366Lisi on January 14, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    Sirens!

    Okay — ex-guy gave me the friend speech Wed. I leaned back. Wed evening I went into a full-on allergy attack (hives all over — yuck!)

    He was up all night with me, as I went to ER, etc… on phone and text all yesterday. This morning he texted: “I’m feeling really lonely.” I stayed with feeling messages and he asked to come stay the week end!

    He’ll be here this evening. I’m excited to see him.

    I’m also curious how my shift in vibe will affect bachelor #1, who’s been in pull back mode of late. And curious about a guy still in the email queue who’s been “googling” me….

    So — send me love & light this week end. Ex-guy has always been hot & cold — but my pulling back when he did the “friend” speech turned him right around. We’ll see….

    I just keep seeing myself on the bridge to a marriage with a man who wants to adopt my daughter. I don’t know yet who will cross the bridge with me.

    I’m scared, exhilarated, apprehensive, overjoyed — so many mixed emotions!!!!!



  367.  #367Rori Raye on January 14, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    happilyfree – your question is actually profound. We ALL have to deal with this will I or won’t I problem – it’s such a small world. I call this solution the Rock Star. As if you’re in a band and broke up with the drummer. Can you go on playing in the band, or do you have to leave? First step here is to stop beating yourself up over your conflicting thoughts and feelings…and try to pick the solution that feels the best to you after you’ve imagined yourself IN the different scenarios. If all you can think about is this other guy (after all – you might meet a NEW man there…) then either it’s going to be great practe for you and a great lesson…or an unpleasant experience. I say you can’t go wrong either way – but staying home out of fear is no choice at all. Love, Rori



  368.  #368Daria on January 14, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    Whatif I’m smarter than school?
    Whatif I open the swimming pool?
    Whatif I win the fight and dont let my friend get beat up?
    Whatif there’s extra yummy in my cup?

    Whatif I start to cry?
    Whatif I get sick and survive and thrive?
    Whatif I am exempt from that test?
    Whatif beautiful tits grow on my chest?

    Whatif I like me?
    Whatif a bolt of consciousness strikes me?
    Whatif I don’t grow taller?
    Whatif my fear starts getting smaller?

    Whatif the fish won’t bite?
    Whatif the wind flies up up my kite?
    Whatif they end the war?
    Whatif my parents fall in love?

    Whatif il late and for me the bus is late ?
    Whatif my teeth grow in sparkly straight?
    Whatif I rock out my pants?
    Whatif I flow out spirit when i dance?

    Everything seems well, and then
    the nighttime Whatifs strike again!

    And it is even better!



  369.  #369Rori Raye on January 14, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    Angeline – the ticket for you is your work.. focus on making enough money, and enjoying your work enough that you can afford to buy books and programs – and COACHING. You need someone to hold you by the hand…all of the rest of this is PRACTICE. You just need to know what to practice. At least try first my ebook, and then Targeting Mr. Right. Small investment – big results. Lots to practice. Love, Rori



  370.  #370PrairieGirl on January 14, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    Mercedes #358 that’s so awesome! And weird timing!!! I left for a bit and heard a song on the radio I’ve never heard before.. a country song called What If I All Goes Right, by Melissa Lawson… OMG.. What a perfect answer to Shel

    what if that road that you’re taking’s a dead end
    What if love leaves you all jaded and broken
    what if that limb breaks you’re climbing out on
    yeah, what if it all goes wrong

    But, what if it all goes right
    what if it all works out
    what if the stars line up
    and good luck rains down
    what if you chase your dreams
    and it changes your whole life
    Yeah, what if it all goes right

    What if that road is a beautiful slow drive
    what if that love ends up lasting a life time
    what if that limb holds you, oak tree strong
    what if this time nothing goes wrong

    what if it all goes right
    what if it all works out
    what if the stars line up
    and good luck rains down
    what if you chase your dreams
    and it changes your whole life
    Yeah, what if it all goes right

    what if you climb to the mountain top
    and touch the sky
    grab a cloud as it passes by
    you might fall you might fall
    but then again you might fly

    what if it all goes right
    what if it all works out
    what if the stars line up
    and good luck rains down
    what if you chase your dreams
    and it changes your whole life
    Yeah, what if it all goes right

    I am so intrigued by your relationship to J… I’ve been married twice.. the last for 12 yrs and was lonely and put up w/being treated poorly the last time… In #354 You said “we “knew” we had the right man when we married him.” I’ve been looking back at what I really did “know”… I think sex messed me up many times… a blog here a while back had quotes from books/experts and I can so relate to the one that talked about letting down our defenses when we deem someone safe… I’m not sure exactly how it was said.. I’ll go look it up…

    I don’t want to “settle” anymore..

    I don’t want to choose wrong…

    I don’t want to waste any more of my life on men I feel bad with/around…

    I want to choose well…

    Wow… I’m always blown away by what comes out of me on this site… wow…you are amazing sirens…

    Prairie Girl



  371.  #371Brenda on January 14, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    I’m a rockstar cuz I’m going to the church Ryan used to attend! 🙂



  372.  #372Daria on January 14, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    I just keep seeing myself on the bridge to a marriage with a man who wants to adopt my daughter. I don’t know yet who will cross the bridge with me.

    Yay lisi! This feels wonderful!



  373.  #373Jeannette on January 14, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    Tinque, if he wanted to see me he would be here on Fri.’s right? Seriously, he would be HERE on Fridays!!! I even asked him what he is doing tonight when I called him back after getting his voice mail and he said, “Nothing what about you?” and I replied, “Nothing.” Cuz I didn’t know if he wanted to come by and he should tell me if he does.



  374.  #374Daria on January 14, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    Prairie girl thank u i feel moved by that song right when she said oak tree stron what if nothing goes on

    I felt so scared and now I feel tears



  375.  #375Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    Hehe. My ex is giving my dog a bath, and I didn’t even have to ask. I love my siren skills. 😀



  376.  #376PrairieGirl on January 14, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    #368 Daria AWESOME!!! LOL!



  377.  #377Jeannette on January 14, 2011 at 3:27 pm

    Lucy, how can I be a siren with #373?



  378.  #378Daria on January 14, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    Jeannette – I feel triggered reading this post it feels bad. 🙁

    I would want to feel open with my mam – I’d try…

    “I feel weird to bring this up… And… I’m feeling insecure… I noticed we haven’t soentvfridays together lately and… I want more… I miss you… I’m feeling afraid and unwanted… What do u think we should do? 🙁 “



  379.  #379tinque on January 14, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    Jeanette – Maybe yes, and maybe no. When he said he was doing nothing, maybe he was looking for encouragement from you, and you could have told him it would feel good seeing him.

    You may be absolutely right, but how about trying this out first before giving up on him.

    xxoo



  380.  #380Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    “And disclaimer… All the guessing and seeming was about what goes on in Darias mind as she’s triggered. It is not intended as a description of Lucy or facts about her intent thoughts or ferlings. Only what goes on for me.”

    Whew! Thanks for the disclaimer, Daria! Cuz if it was supposed to be about me… it’s about as far off as one could get.

    I feel very relieved reading the disclaimer!!!



  381.  #381PrairieGirl on January 14, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    #374.. Daria I know what you mean… I felt overwhelmed with emotions when it came on the radio… I think.. ahem.. feel… I need to buy it and put it on my ipod on replay…



  382.  #382Jeannette on January 14, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    Daria, men see that as needy I think but thank you. I am tired of not being able to be myself in a relationship. I feel like I have to be perfect or else.



  383.  #383Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    “Lucy, how can I be a siren with #373?”

    Jeannette, you are engaged to this man, right?

    Are you sure he is the man you want to marry?



  384.  #384Lisi on January 14, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    @ 109 Marina

    I feel this is not a normal relationship.
    I feel I want a normal relationship.

    I work together with a counselor, who happens to be a Lesbian, and she’s fond of saying: “What’s normal?”

    To be honest — there is no normal. When Kinsey did his sexuality surveys on tens of thousands of people, he found that there is much more variety among human sexuality than we like to think.

    And that most people are asking, “Am I NORMAL?” Normal is usually a judgment in your mind that you will never live up to.

    I’m going to get a pedicure before ex-guy gets here — because he has a foot fetish, and he’s going to want to rub my feet and suck my toes.

    Did you know that most people with a foot fetish feel embarrassed and ashamed and don’t think they’re normal?

    And, when I figured out that ex-guy had a foot fetish — I promptly started getting pedicures and making sure my feet were sexually available to him and attractive looking.

    Do I care for NORMAL?

    Nope.

    I love to please him sexually. And for him — that’s my toes.

    Tee hee.



  385.  #385Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    Jeannette, you Have to be able to be yourself if the relationship is going to work.



  386.  #386happilyfree on January 14, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    Oh thank you Rori for your response it made me feel really happy and actually excited!



  387.  #387Daria on January 14, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    Jeannette – that feels bad. I don’t want to believe that men “see that as needy”.

    I don’t actually need anything and have asked for nothing in that message… Only his thoughts.

    Men will see as needy – my guess – when I ask For something From him, and will feel bad if he says no.

    Sharing that I Feel bad is different… Subtly different… But greatly different.



  388.  #388Jeannette on January 14, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    Lucy, I don’t know…you’re right though. I can only be myself, for better for worse….if that should ever happen again!! I want to man to really REALLY want me and show it.



  389.  #389Katnina on January 14, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    SLV & Soul Sister, thanks again for your CD advice for this weekend! Here is an update:
    I said yes to dinner with finance guy, he had suggested we meet at 6:30pm tomorrow & named 2 restaurants he wants to go to and I said “6:30 is great and i will be happy with whichever you choose!” haven’t heard back yet but i’m kind of excited to allow myself to be surprised by him!

    Earlier today, michigan man texted me and asked what i have planned for the weekend, I told him i had dance class this afternoon, then jewelry making class tomorrow afternoon and an early dinner. he wrote back a couple hrs later: ‘i’m having drinks with a co-worker tonight then meeting up with a friend. you sound busy but if you can squeeze me in i would really like to hang out with you. how was class?’
    so after my dance lesson, i wrote back ‘class was really fun, thanks! you sound busy too, & i would love to hang out, so i hope we can figure something out! i can meet you for lunch or after dinner tmw, or brunch Sunday. what do you think?”
    and he wrote back: “After dinner tmw works for me. I’ll just play things by ear. you can give me a shout when you’re all set doing dinner. Can’t wait to see you!!!”

    sooo, I feel VERY HAPPY that I said yes to dinner with finance guy, because I know i would have felt anxious and want to lean forward if i had ‘saved a spot on my dance card’ & then hadn’t heard from michigan man. and I genuinely am curious about finance guy and think there could potentially be attraction there.
    and i also feel happy that michigan man wants to see me, and that i am making time for him. i feel relieved and proud that i did not lean forward, and that i have a full life. if i had left space open for him intentionally, and then didnt hear from him, i would probably feel really needy and clingy and sad.
    i think when i see him, if he comments on how busy my schedule is, i will say a mini-speech: ‘yeah, it’s really hard bc i work nights sunday thru thursday, so my whole social life gets crammed into the weekend, so i get booked in advance.’
    yay!



  390.  #390Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    “I feel lonely. I don’t want to be alone.”

    (for Jeannette)

    Without putting pressure on him to fix it.

    If he Wants to fix it by coming over, he now has the opportunity to say so and do so.

    If he doesn’t, then it is up to Jeannette to get her needs met in another way.

    “I still feel lonely. I don’t want to feel alone. I feel disappointed not spending tonight with you. I will go to the bookstore and have coffee and mingle with people there. I love you. Bye.”

    (leave pauses in case he wants to say something, but be okay if he doesn’t.)

    And then you go.



  391.  #391Daria on January 14, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    “Whew! Thanks for the disclaimer, Daria! Cuz if it was supposed to be about me… it’s about as far off as one could get.”

    This feels bad… I feel confused as to why… I feel heavy in my heart and dissapointed and pouty.

    Sigh

    I just felt a bit better.

    Reading that I get triggered that I’m not really believed, that it has to be Made Sure that just on case I didn’t mean what I said it was defended

    I do this too

    Uhoh feeling stressed at my house 🙁



  392.  #392happilyfree on January 14, 2011 at 3:59 pm

    I have a question that I have wondered a lot in reading all these posts and the newsletter. I really want to end up with someone I find crazy attractive and I feel like some posts seem to indicate that men will get that but we women dont get to have that. Physicality is important to me…when I hear that there is one man who will be your husband and you just keep going til he shows up I feel like, “Wait, that means I just have to accept whoever this guy is…?”

    I guess some of things Ive read about chemistry make me wonder if I dont get to have that crazy, sparks flying initial attraction that is really rare but so intoxicating. Is that actually a negative thing? Cause I will feel really sad if I dont get to have that:) lol



  393.  #393lilyflower on January 14, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    @Katrina 389 – I feel so happy for you! You go girl! I’m going to use this “my whole social life gets crammed into the weekend, so i get booked in advance.’ on Jamaican Price since he usually just calls me and asks to see me the same day. =)



  394.  #394Daria on January 14, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    I feel shaky…

    What to do when someone you love says “you’re killing me”
    Repeatedly.,

    And you feel good with the way you ate behaving towards them… Not attacking or disrespecting

    When it seems that the reason they say this is their fear based thoughts and attempt to control your decisions.

    Like, if they are saying you’re killing me by CDing.

    This doesn’t feel good. I don’t want to feel blamed and burdened with someones fears and judgements about my behaviour as I live life in a way that makes me happy.



  395.  #395Soul Sista on January 14, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    katnina ~ i feel happy to hear the tools are working for you…thank you for updating 🙂 xoxo



  396.  #396Daria on January 14, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    Happilyfree – I am babystepping on healing that fear too…

    The idea is tha Any man can become “crazy attractive” once we open our hearts in his presence.

    I experienced this in Babysteps and am willing to keep practicing.



  397.  #397tinque on January 14, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    that’s exactly it Daria; he becomes crazy attractive, off the charts attractive when you open your heart.

    happilyfree – almost nine years in, and I’m more attracted than ever.

    xxoo



  398.  #398Lisi on January 14, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    Thank you Lone Plum for the Christian Carter stuff. I love him.

    So, Sirens — please give me your feedback.

    I identified earlier that Bachelor #1 was not long-term material for me. He’s bright, interesting and attractive, FANTASTIC in bed, but — he’s a slob, underemployed, and has beliefs about spirituality and parenting his kid that totally conflict with mine.

    Our kids are both young, so co-parenting is in the future for me….

    I was fine when he was chasing me, asking me out, putting together furniture for me, etc… I felt a little guilty cuz I didn’t think it was going anywhere, but I genuinely enjoy his company, so I continued.

    Then we started sleeping together.

    I briefly “leaned forward” the week end after we had sex the first time.

    Ever since — he’s been in cool down mode.

    Now, am I a hypocrite? I didn’t think he was BF material. I slept with him, cuz he really wanted it, and his desire really turned me on, and it was SCRUMPTIOUS. We’ve done it 3 times, and each time is just HOT.

    But, he asked for Friends with Benefits — I said no. Told him I’d lose my attraction to him going that route, and I’d end it. I said I’d consider us “dating, but not exclusive” because I was seeing other people and wanted to continue.

    He’s still acting like some kind of Friends with Benefits thing. Thursday night, when he wanted me to come over, I said no and went out with a girlfriend instead.

    This week end, I’ll spend with ex-guy.

    So — I want to date him, but I don’t see it going anywhere. I want to have sex with him, but only when he’s chasing me, and wanting an emotional connection.

    Am I just being the guy who wants to use a woman for her emotional connection and doesn’t want to give back?

    I could just stop seeing him all together, but then I’d have to give up that fantastic sex. Me me me. I want the sex.

    I’m a libidinous monster of a woman!

    What do y’all think?



  399.  #399Daria on January 14, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    Ok my mom just shared with me again what I call her horror fantasy…which she really believes she says

    Which is that everytime I go out and sleep over at a friends

    Someone is getting me food, drugging me up, holding me hostage at their house and prostituting me

    This feels bad. I practiced letting her know besides that this is Not going on, that it feels bad to me to be have to hear this constantly.

    That I would feel happy if her and dad heal thus for themselves, that she has a right to believe that if she wants but that I am not responsible and

    She said so is if true .., and No it is not true.

    She wants to see pictures of my friends, but I don’t feel safe and comfortable sharing with her at this time.

    I’ve felt bad in the past sharing about mufriends with her… I will however consider it…
    Maybe it might feel good to banystep share my life through pictures

    My fear is that because of judgement it will only grow her fear…

    She started asking me if my friends have jobs, this felt bad, I said I don’t feel safe sharing with her I don’t feel safewiththe tone and the question.

    She said a sarcastic thing last..

    I feel confident I’m babystepping to feeling good and boundaries and healing

    Babystepps keep flipping to positive, keep my energy happy.., yay!

    Healing. Felt intense and booty feels squeezed it felt better than other times tho



  400.  #400Lisi on January 14, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    @ happilyfree 392

    I like hot men. I like men with hot bodies.

    That’s mostly what I date.

    I have dated overweight men, and find it a turn off.

    Maybe Mr. Right will turn out to be an overweight guy that slowly ignites me.

    Who knows?

    But I don’t mind admitting what I want, going for it, and enjoying those rippling muscles and gorgeous bodies.



  401.  #401lilyflower on January 14, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    @lisi – yeah girl! I feel you on that one!



  402.  #402Daria on January 14, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    Lisi –

    So — I want to date him, I want to have sex with him, but only when he’s chasing me, and wanting an emotional connection.

    Sounds great and like great boundaries. I am babystepping this too… No more fwb.



  403.  #403happilyfree on January 14, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    haha I love the responses ladies thank you so much. So I am feeling it is ok for me to date people I am attracted to and I dont have to feel afraid that I will end up with a boring guy who does not light my fire…:)



  404.  #404Katnina on January 14, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    happilyfree, Patti Stanger (the Millionaire Matchmaker) wrote something that really resonated with me in her book:
    “Women are like Crock-Pots, they heat up slowly, and men are like microwaves, instantly ready to go. As long as you think he’s cute and you have fun with him, he’s a contender.”
    For me, i can go from not attracted physically on a first date (not repulsed either though, just kind of ‘ok he’s cute but don’t feel anything yet’) to “oh wow he just kissed me and i can’t wait for him to kiss me again!” on a second date. i have also gone from feeling ‘eh whatever, i’m not repulsed but not drawn in either’ to ‘ick!’ when a man kissed me.
    i try to allow myself to be surprised! sometimes it’s a good surprise & sometimes it’s an ick surprise, but for me, that’s better than not being surprised at all.



  405.  #405Daria on January 14, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    Just talked to my mom in feeling messages and it felt great!

    Babysteps to honest communication and flipping whatever happens to mean healing leads to Healing! Yes 🙂



  406.  #406Daria on January 14, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    Relistening to rori interviews allanna levenson

    Why IS a relationship important to me?

    I dont’t know. 🙁

    It would provide encouragement, fun, a partner for parenting,

    All stuff I don’t need and could do myself…

    It would provide Romance, fulfill that forever after

    Allow me to get deeper and deeper feminine…

    Hmm

    Guess i don’t need it, just gets more of what I provide myself

    Provide safety and security



  407.  #407Daria on January 14, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    Excitement ?

    “I wish”. That only happens dating

    Not true thanks Nv .



  408.  #408Luzydel on January 14, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    This week for me was about experimenting, so I called “P”, thinking that I will be so strong and powerful; I got the answer machine, so I hung up. He called back right away and seemed so happy to hear from me. I acted aloof, but then let him be him ad I just relaxed id not say anything about us or about what happened, we just talked.

    He is a good guy, he really likes me, but he is so much into his job that he cannot give me what I want and I can get mad at him for that and try to control things or I can just let go and keep going. I prefer the latter. So I am not mad at him like I said he is a good guy and some how I can sense he really likes me, but his job is his addiction and if I wait for him, I will get stood up, and taking crumbs from him. I like him, but I don’t like what he can give me right now, so I have to keep moving.

    I was talking to Brazilian guy and the conversation about me talking to other guys came up….he said this…
    “I have to come to accept in this day and age that while someone is knowing me, she is knowing a lot of people….and that is fine with me…for now.”

    I did not said much…and the conversation ended there.

    I feel empty perhaps or I don’t know like today I just want to be alone…



  409.  #409Lakshmi on January 14, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    Just catching up on this thread…To answer the question about Evan Marc Katz’s views on coffee dates: He doesn’t recommend them because they’re not romantic, or conducive to romance. I forget exactly how he puts it, but I think he compares them to a job interview. He says meeting for a drink (if you drink!) is a lot sexier, and relaxing, and potentially romantic. Better lighting, different mood, etc.



  410.  #410Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    See, here’s the confusing thing for me:

    “…not attracted physically on a first date (not repulsed either though, just kind of ‘ok he’s cute but don’t feel anything yet’)” (Katnina)

    To ME, if I was thinking “ok he’s cute” that would mean I AM attracted physically to him.

    SO… does this mean I’m just confused by the words different people are using? and not by the actual concept?



  411.  #411Daria on January 14, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    Sex! Someone to live with



  412.  #412Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    “Why IS a relationship important to me?”

    Daria, for me it is about living with a man — male body, male voice, male energy, male presence — in a loving male/female relationship.



  413.  #413Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    Thanks, Lakshmi. That’s interesting!



  414.  #414Daria on January 14, 2011 at 5:47 pm

    I went to this men’s seminar where I had 7 not cute guys turn Very cute before my eyes (for 30 seconds).

    That’s when I really saw and believed that attraction is created.

    It’s up to him… And me to create it.

    The instant arttraction that just happens Rori says is based on past patterns, how an ex looked or talked, our fathers, etc. This can even be toxic pulling u’s in to men just cuz they remind us of the past in some conscious or subconscious way. Esp if the past was toxic.

    I’ve found thus to be true. As I heal more, I feel more safe attracting men I Do find instantly attractive too… Babysteps here though.

    But more are showing up… Like twice a month instead of twice a lifetime… Cuz I’ve opened more.

    I’d like twice a week please! 🙂

    How about twice a day! Yum!



  415.  #415Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    I agree that there is a type of attraction that is based on past patterns — and based on what needs to heal, especially relating to our parents and siblings.

    Once we heal those patterns, we can trust our attraction.

    It feels good to realize that.



  416.  #416Turtle Girl on January 14, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    Ladies-

    I am genuinely curious. What do all you sirens out there find to be a turn off in a man? I would really like to weigh in on this. We are all so different, but it would be fun to see what your responses are and if there are similarities.

    Are ya’ll game? What are the no no’s for a guy you would want to be with? Hm? Humor me. xxoo



  417.  #417Daria on January 14, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    Turtle girl – criticizing me I don’t want that



  418.  #418Laura on January 14, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    what is the difference between being submissive/taken advantage of versus respecting the masculine and letting the guy take the lead? what is the difference between not “questioning” a guy… like that kind of sounds ridiculous like “Don’t you dare question me, I am MAN!”



  419.  #419Darling Ella on January 14, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    Gosh, tonite I made peace to have a nite all to myself since my son is visiting with his dad…and unexpectedly, my gf invited me to join her and her man for drinks and some dancing…I haven’t been out for about five weeks…:(

    I feel weird…yet, glad to be with friends and have the ability to notice my feelings…I am not fully myself yet…:(

    Hopeful my nightmare to be soon over…looking forward to deep healing…



  420.  #420Jeannette on January 14, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    Wow girls, I let the siren out tonight…..I told Steve what I need and he said it’s what he needs too…..we still have a long way to go though. I have to learn to trust myself more than anyone…..baby steps here……..



  421.  #421LonePlum on January 14, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    Jeanette 420

    Yeah Jeannette, well done 🙂



  422.  #422Soul Sista on January 14, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    Woahooah…i had a huge grief wave tonight. we don’t have a bathtub here in AZ so i can’t take a bubble bath. i went in the bathroom and had a quick cry, then had a 2nd cup of chamomile tea when i finally remembered…it will pass…i’m doing the right thing. even though i’m still in love with him and he says he’s in love with me, he hasn’t stepped up so i had to set a boundary, even if i did get overly emotional, i didn’t outright blame and accuse him…i did the best i could.

    i got scared because the guy that took me out last night likes me a lot. i;m not ready for anything like that so i need to keep CD’ng, healing and learning.

    tomorrow is a new day. i did msg back a nice man that wants to take me out to dinner this weekend.

    i’ll feel better after a good night’s sleep.



  423.  #423LonePlum on January 14, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    Whatif
    Whatif would come a day
    Like if it could be
    slowly no more wind
    One for the other

    Whatif
    Our hands would come undone
    If we’d wake up
    Slowly, different
    From one another

    Who will know the words
    Who will keep the love needed
    Like a tomorrow, an evidence
    Never lost in advance

    Who will know the words
    Who will love one time too much
    What we’ll be
    You and I

    Whatif
    Whatif we’d become
    the dream of a rising world
    Growing at the same time
    One into the other

    Who will know the words
    Who will keep the love needed
    Like a tomorrow, an evidence
    Never lost in advance

    Who will know the words
    Who will love one time too much
    What we’ll be
    You and I

    Whatif
    Whatif the words could
    What if we’d believe
    Simply

    http://www.musicme.com/Roch-Voisine/albums/Best-Of-0886970919029.html?play=14

    xxx



  424.  #424LonePlum on January 14, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    And if you did not exist
    Tell me why I would exist
    To drag myself in a world without you
    Without hope and without regret

    And if you did not exist
    I’d try to invent love
    Like a pintor who see
    day light colors shine
    from under his fingers
    And can’t believe it

    And if you did not exist
    Tell me whom I would exist for
    Some passer bye asleep in my arms
    Whom I would never love

    And if you did not exist
    I would be just one more spot
    In this world that comes and goes
    I would feel lost
    I would need you

    And if you did not exist
    Tell me how I would exist
    I could pretend to be me
    But I would not be true

    And if you did not exist
    I think I would have found it
    The secret of life
    The “why”
    Simply to create you
    And to look at you

    http://www.youtube.com/user/YraDeum#p/u/0/b4hWQ8QmHLk

    xxx



  425.  #425Soul Sista on January 14, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    LP ~ are you tryin’ to make me cry again? LOL



  426.  #426Daria on January 14, 2011 at 7:44 pm

    Grief and crying here too j red and Ronnie I hear you!

    Ronnie please take j red home

    Feelin so sad



  427.  #427LonePlum on January 14, 2011 at 7:46 pm

    425 Soul Sista

    lol no no no Soul Sista
    Besides it’s not even the music you like, it can’t move you or does it?
    Well, may be if you cry and cry now, you’ll wash your ideas faster?

    Mercedes and Daria wrote things with “whatif” so I thought I would pick up our “whatif” songs and do a quick translation
    lol



  428.  #428Daria on January 14, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    I don’t want to trust my attraction, I want to trust the consistency of how a man shows up for me. So I’m requiring steps before sex. Like dates.

    Mmph. Dman called and it felt good

    Now I feel drawn to thinking of he said he wants to come over and kick it when my parents are out of town. I felt like friends. Hmm

    I didn’t share that it’s dating with sex, or friends with none – is the second option an option? Hmmm

    I feel unsure

    I feel bad to think of our sex as not even potentially the thought if a child. That feels bad – turn off right there, a man who doesn’t want a child with me.

    Or pushes for one.



  429.  #429Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 8:42 pm

    Hmm. Okay. For me, it feels wonderful to reach a point where I can trust my attraction… to no longer be attracted on the basis of repeating old patterns to heal… It feels wonderful being attracted to healthy men instead of toxic men.

    The consistency of how a man shows up for me is definitely an important factor — and, in fact, is part of what makes a man attractive to me — but I don’t trust consistency alone…. been there done that… and it eventually resulted in heartache.

    For me, I require more.



  430.  #430Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 8:54 pm

    Anybody else having trouble logging out completely from pof???



  431.  #431Luzydel on January 14, 2011 at 9:00 pm

    I am pushing this guy away…:(
    I am doing it again!!!

    Help!!!



  432.  #432Simply Shannon on January 14, 2011 at 9:04 pm

    I feel bored. Yes bored. I want to feel attraction and passion, but with this CD from tonight I just don’t. It’s the same flippin’ issue I had with Mr. Fab Kisser. Shit. What message am I missing?

    He’s a good guy. He’s got a lot of qualities I want in a man. He doesn’t call very much but he makes dates when he does call. And then even tonight, he was asking me what I’m doing tomorrow. I turned him down because I’ve got other stuff I’d rather do.

    Argh. He’s interesting. The conversation feels fun but I dunno. It feels friendly and just not in the romantic zone. I don’t know how to say that to him.

    Frig, frig, frig. RRRROOOOOAAAAARRRR!

    I feel mad. But mostly bored. Boo.

    I will have what I want. And this ain’t it!



  433.  #433Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 9:05 pm

    Luzydel, what are you doing to push him away?



  434.  #434Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 9:08 pm

    Ah, Shannon, sorry. 🙁 I know the feeling.

    “I turned him down because I’ve got other stuff I’d rather do.”

    Yeah. Sucks.



  435.  #435Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 9:09 pm

    Shannon… but what about the thing where (apparently for some women) attraction and passion can grow if you keep going out with him? What do you think?



  436.  #436Simply Shannon on January 14, 2011 at 9:11 pm

    Pursuing my “The Secret” folder…

    Ahhh… feeling better.

    Yes I will have what I want.

    I want to feel wanted.

    I want to feel good.

    I want to feel supported.

    I want to feel passion!

    I want to feel safe.

    I want to feel beautiful.

    I want to feel unforgettable.

    I want to feel joy.

    I want to feel encouraged.

    I want to feel loved.

    I want to feel excited.

    I want to feel at peace.

    I want to feel connected.

    I want to feel known.

    Amen and amen.



  437.  #437Luzydel on January 14, 2011 at 9:12 pm

    I am acting out and blaming him, when I am the one that feel scared…this is what he said to me

    what are you talking about?
    what does being scared
    has to do with me
    and your feelings for me
    i do not get it



  438.  #438Lucy on January 14, 2011 at 9:17 pm

    Luzydel, what do you feel scared about?



  439.  #439Simply Shannon on January 14, 2011 at 9:17 pm

    Lucy, I don’t know. I’ve been going out with him for about a month now (maybe a little longer). I don’t know how to flip this passion switch in my brain. It’s the same sort of thing that happened with Mr. Fab Kisser.

    To be completely honest (there’s some fear showing up now), I’ve been considering taking a lover just to have passion happening somewhere in my life. I miss passion!! And for whatever reason I can’t conjure it up with this guy.

    He is the only real CD in my rotation right now. I’ve got a few others in the wings but most of them appear to be lover material and not relationship material.

    Why can’t all these men converge? Seriously.