How Circular Dating Works!

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dinnerdate200Here’s a great comment from Marilyn in response to a comment by Liquid Light about specific men as Circular Dates and Circular Dating generally (referred to by “Sirens” here as “CDs” and “CDing”) – and it’s so universal, and so a How-To and proof of how it all works – I wanted to make it a post. Thank you, Marilyn!

“LL, In the last thread you had mentioned not being “thrilled” about any of your CDs and wondering how to navigate around this.

My personal experience is that the CDs I felt “thrilled” about did not last. They kind of represented something I needed at the time (fun, novelty) but they never really stepped up for me.

Rori has written lots about attraction; the men you feel instantly attracted to are often the ones that are all wrong for you. They are often unavailable (physically or emotionally), “bad” boys that live their lives in a way opposite to yours, not ready to commit, or otherwise just not a good fit.

This is often because the girl herself is not sure what she wants, scared of getting hurt (again), or is subconsciously trying to correct some past “mistake” through this man. These things make her unavailable to real love, and so she attracts men that are equally unavailable. Attracted to men with whom it could never really “work”.

And so I think this is why Rori advocates that women try to date at least 3 men. Likely one of them will be the “all wrong for you” sort that you feel quite attracted to, and the others will likely feel boring or dull, or brotherly… but you continue to date them all and see what happens.

In my experience, the thrilling man in my rotation would start out with a bang. Fireworks, lots of initial time together, fun… then would quickly fizzle out; much like a real pyrotechnics display lasts only a short time.

Then he would sort of poof into smoke and I would feel confused and annoyed. But the other few were still around, asking me out, treating me well…. if they were only not so BORING! lol

And then a new fixation would enter my rotation, who would then fizzle out, and lo and behold… there were still those couple guys sticking it out. Surely I don’t want to lead them on… but they are being so patient… they know I am dating others but they’re still asking me out, treating me well…. hmmmmm….

Then strangely enough, I stopped attracting those fire-works-y, bad-for-me, addictive men and started to really appreciate the men around me. One in particular, who once seemed to be unexciting suddenly became more interesting. He was actually quite witty… and very intelligent and super creative. I noticed his sparkly green eyes and his cute bum and handsome smile. I noticed how he treated me with such respect and kindness and manly protectiveness.

He was there this whole time but I hadn’t noticed. He was patiently waiting… offering me more and more as he sensed me opening up little by little. And soon, before I realized it, he was taking up all of my free evenings. He booked me in advance and often. He basically made it impossible to date anyone else. Naturally, the others fell away because I had no more time for them.

And this man is now my partner that still treats me like a queen. I’m glad I didn’t dismiss him because of a lack of instant chemistry. Because right now, I don’t think I could feel more attracted to him.


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  1.  #1Femininewoman on May 6, 2013 at 7:37 am

    Hope I get it right

  2.  #2Femininewoman on May 6, 2013 at 7:38 am

    “In my experience, the thrilling man in my rotation would start out with a bang. Fireworks, lots of initial time together, fun… then would quickly fizzle out; much like a real pyrotechnics display lasts only a short time.”

  3.  #3Femininewoman on May 6, 2013 at 7:40 am

    Mel this reads like your story.

  4.  #4Femininewoman on May 6, 2013 at 8:49 am

    This statement I got in an email from Susie and Otto Collins really jumped at me:-

    “Make conscious agreements with your partner.
    Conscious agreements do not take the passion
    and mystery out of the relationship.

    We’ve found it to be just the opposite. They
    require you to take an inventory of what you
    other, where and how to spend time at
    holidays, how we want to be greeted by each
    other when we come home and how we want
    to be loved. Conscious agreements build trust.”

  5.  #5Zara on May 6, 2013 at 9:56 am

    3 femininewoman

    It reminded me of Mel also


  6.  #6Mel on May 6, 2013 at 10:16 am

    @ FW, Zara


  7.  #7April Rose on May 6, 2013 at 10:17 am


    The article you posted at the end of the last thread had me thinking this: :Maybe I don’t want a reltionship!!!”

    Rori says on the Love Forever program “Who says you have to be in rleationship?”

    With WM and I, I have practised all of Rori’s tools, I have opened up to strong surrender, *and*, I haven’t yet decided what I want.
    His commitment level to me is higher than mine is to him.

    He went towards the other woman when he thought I was in a relationship with EM, who I was dating. WM is one of those men who thinks if I am happier without him, he will let me go. And I was shutting him out, I had such a huge crush on EM.

    Only after he ‘fell for’ the woman (and she chased him, I saw it happen) did I wake up and feel the loss.

    I became super-vulnerable. Thay stayed friends and never became lovers. There were a coupe of excruciating months where he he seemed so distant. I practiced feeling my feelings – abandonment, helplessness, grief, loss. I’m sure I healed a lot.

    Then, one day I realised I admired his masculine nature. Instead of scorning it as in the past.
    As soon as I expressed this, everything changed and he started coming towards me again.

    He tells me every day he loves me, and he is listening to me when I express my needs and he is making steps towards fulfilling them. Sure he is pretty reluctant. Yet I honour myself and will continue to express my needs up until the make or break.

    He says he wants us to be exclusive and committed. He can get a divorce in six months time (before then she will contest it).
    It’s ME who feels so uncertain about a lifelong commitment.
    The word lifelong sounds so final. I like variety and choices. That’s why I don’t want to say today that I want a lifelong relationship. Who knows what exciting man will turn up tomorrow? And the next day?

    Maybe our situation suits us both well. Pretending to be committed, and keeping our options open. Meanwhile enjoying having a companion and a friend and a lover….

  8.  #8dcd568 on May 6, 2013 at 10:58 am

    April Rose, is he married?

  9.  #9April Rose on May 6, 2013 at 11:11 am

    Yep, seperated 4 years.

  10.  #10dcd568 on May 6, 2013 at 11:15 am

    I feel scared that you are going to get your feelings hurt.

  11.  #11dcd568 on May 6, 2013 at 11:16 am

    Can someone please tell me where to find the girlfriend speech?

  12.  #12siren song on May 6, 2013 at 11:27 am

    this happened to me…the super-chemistry drama guys fell away and finally one solid, amazing guy claimed me. he worked for a whole year to ‘get me all to himself’. i feel incredibly happy and it’s because i let the toxic guys take themselves out of the game and the best guy ever stuck around.

  13.  #13April Rose on May 6, 2013 at 11:28 am

    Siren Song!

    Hi! Wow – I feel so excited by your update.

  14.  #14Femininewoman on May 6, 2013 at 11:30 am

    Yayy Siren Song!!! 🙂

  15.  #15siren song on May 6, 2013 at 11:34 am

    aw thanks! he even arranged weekly social events to hang out with me. for almost a year. he’s such a good man.

  16.  #16Femininewoman on May 6, 2013 at 11:34 am

    Here are your options:

    1. Basically the “No Girlfriend” speech (If you’re ready to be married in your life, and you’ve been Circular Dating or wanted to do it to help yourself get emotionally in the best place to encounter Mr. Right):”It feels great to be with you…and I’m not looking to be a girlfriend, I’m looking to be married, and I feel a bit uncomfortable shutting down all my options unless marriage is sort of on the table…”

  17.  #17dcd568 on May 6, 2013 at 11:34 am

    “Pretending to be committed. Meanwhile enjoying having a companion and a friend and a lover..”

    This is exactly what happened to my last relationship of over a year with a man who was recently divorced when I met him. In my gut, I knew he had an emotional journey to take, and we talked about that extensively because I absolutely did not want to be the cushy soft place he got to be safe in while he healed and gained strength and then wanted to get back out into the world. But he convinced himself as well as me that he had sorted everything out and he was ready for the above.

    After an up and down year of dating I discovered that he was developing and maintaining “relationships” with women he had met online when he met me. This made me feel insecure and insignificant and I did not like it at all. It was not acceptable to me and I told him so. He told me he felt like since he didn’t have any attraction to them or any interest in them except “friendship” that he felt he hadn’t done anything wrong and that he needed time to re-evaluate our relationship and to take care.

    I was not stunned as I thought I would be. In the back of my mind I always expected this would be the case. I did not contact him and immediately realized what I had feared would happen, happened.

    I was surprised that I didn’t feel worse than I did, but I guess I expected this to happen all along. I hoped that it wouldn’t happen this way, but I was not surprised. I feel disappointed that I didn’t listen to myself in the beginning.

    He just so happened to call me last week…six months after our break up. “He made a mistake…and if things don’t work out with my new relationship, would I please call him.”

    After he broke up with me, I started thinking about the relationship and how up and down it had gone with me doing all of the “understanding” about his emotions, etc. I realized I don’t want that. I want someone who is emotionally available. Maybe down deep I wasn’t either…I don’t know why I stayed in that relationship for over a year.

    I truly want an emotionally available marriage minded man. I feel pretty confident that I will keep my eyes open this time, along with communication, and if that’s not what I’m getting, not who I’m dating, I will respectfully continue looking.

    Anyway, that’s why I’m scared for April Rose…I let myself want something so much that I ignored my intuition and I got my feelings hurt. Yuck.

  18.  #18dcd568 on May 6, 2013 at 11:37 am

    Thank you FW….that advice is golden to me at this point!

  19.  #19Daria on May 6, 2013 at 11:51 am

    oh my god this post just made me bust into a bawl …

    Marylin you rock girl…

    im gonna print this…

  20.  #20Daria on May 6, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    Security man and i had been playing phone tag and i was feeling excited to have sex (for me, as I did an asessment of 3 q in which one was :

    If you were to die in 1 year, what are the things you would do diff?

    and i realized i would want to have a whole lot of SEX! pleasureable sex for me like everyday!


    so i am choosing to add this to my life

    I was NOT PREGNANT last month when a man lied about having a condom on

    (my body reacts to dick-pussy contact with instant ovulation (thanks body i know we gonna have lots of yummies babies when we want them))

    so i used my intention and stuff and wound up not pregnant…

    AND NOW…

    take two with Security man…

    remember he had sex with that woman in front of me

    I told him how upset i felt and how aas a queen i felt “wronged” in a part of me…

    and i was able to forgive

    so a couple weeks ago we started intimacy, but stopped after kissing and rubbing pleasing each other with our mouths (he WANTS to do this for me and it felt awesome) as there was no condom and i did not want to get pregannt


    it was all for me, i know his body feels healing to me (we had sex once when we were dating bf/gf back in 2008 and it helped me heal from some painful tension in my nana i had built up from being sick with UTI from another sexual incident…)


    when we got there i felt kinda ‘dead’

    in my heart

    like it really wasnt in it

    i felt chill, but dead

    i asked him to talk to me, but he didn’t really…

    i liked last times we talked he talked about wanting to move to florida and brazil with me, etc future plannign

    this time we didnt and my brain kept thinking of that other woman… WHY?

    because after our intimate time last time, i found out that he LIVES WITH HER NOW!

    this is because im pretty sure he has no other place to live, because his grandma had moved…

    so this girl and him they have no commitment but she is clearly in love with him by my assessment and he treats her respectfully as a friend (doesnt lie to her etc) and they are both single


    i guess that DID change things for me beacuse i have a boundary of not dating men that are living with another woman (or heavily emotionally involved)

    this boundary is bec of being attracted to men living with other women in the past, and feeling sad upset later of how things progressed (spent time with one guy, got hot for each other, he went home and had sex with her first time in months, she got pregnant… we distanced)

    so i was gonna see if i really needed this boundary – really i was gonna say ‘eh this time about it …

    but my heart felt different!

    my heart is really on my side now!

    and im really on HER SIDE!

    bec without much effort i shared bout feeling sad, and even said i dont feel comfortable without exclusivity (surprise to me! i never feel like i want sexual exclusivity!)

    but thoughts of her and him together and is he gonna go back to her now after this and etc were all in my head and


    and we’re still ok

    and i said well i might lose you but at least im taking care of me

    and he said all surprised amused “you’re not gonna lose me!”

    and i said really? we’ll see

    (i wish i said, wow that feels so good!))

    and my heart opened up and i felt wonderful and happy again like i usually feel with him

    and now i feel a bit sad,

    and im loving myself

    and awed at how effortless it is to take care of myself now

  21.  #21Daria on May 6, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    i also feel angry that my heart is not being taken care of by him!

    and im making up scenarios of pushing him away

    and staying aware!

    i also made up scenario of what i WANT to happen…

    ala Jeanette Maw (Law of Attraction coach, i read her stuff, feels SO GOOD and gets me back on)

    i feel sad thinking he doesn’t yet know or able to make enough money to take care of us

    i feel good knowing how much he still wants and loves me

    i feel sad now

    this is a FAMILIAR FAMILIAR feeling and pattern for me

    i feel smily now writing and knowing im healing

  22.  #22Daria on May 6, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    right now i am not thinking of any other men in a position with me where i’d feel comfortable having sex with them…

    and im choosing: that means some are gonna show up! that feel really good!

    they GOTTA show up after i just took that good care of my heart 🙂

    I love you Daria 🙂

  23.  #23IamHis on May 6, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    Saw a college friend over the weekend.

    *I’m not talking about him because I am interested in dating him. There’s a point to this, which I will get to…*

    He’s gorgeous, but starting to go bald.

    He also works at a pizzeria, and has no plans on advancing his career.

    Working at a pizzeria is the life he wants, I guess.

    & he is seriously gorgeous.

    It seems like a little bit of a waste.

    He has had the same girlfriend for three years.

    She is NOT a looker.

    She is blonde and over 200 lbs. I feel judgmental, but I think she wears too much make up and doesn’t dress well for her body type.

    To me, they look really, really WRONG together.

    but he like, ADORES her.

    It is the strangest thing to me.

    She seems SECURE in herself.

    and she seems to ACCEPT him, exactly as he is, pizzeria career and all.

    Just an observation…

    oh, to be adored.
    oh, to feel secure.
    oh, to accept a man, exactly as he is…

  24.  #24Daria on May 6, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    an yesterday when i was debating whether to call or text him to let him kno im home safe (i was low on gas and he said call him if irun out on the way)

    i now found a voicemail from him abuot 10 min before i texted him…

    saying he wasnt to make sure im home safe!

    awww i feel smily 🙂


    i feel good receiving

    im gnona receive more and more from men.. yay 🙂

  25.  #25dcd568 on May 6, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    Accepting a man exactly as he is will probably get you adored which will make you feel secure. So maybe that’s the key…


    but I have learned that you can accept a man exactly as he is and not try to change him, but that doesn’t mean he has to be YOUR man….you don’t have to settle for less than what you want…keep looking…YOUR man has to be out there!

  26.  #26Daria on May 6, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    haha i was scrolling up and i saw I LOVE YOU DARIA 🙂

    and i thought someone had wrote it and i wen AH gasp and smiled… nad heart felt good

    and then realized i wrote it!

    and i feel so smily and .looking up to the ceiling w pleasure now 🙂 🙂 🙂

  27.  #27Zara on May 6, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    April Rose 7

    When you started Cdating I read in your posts he was saying him being married is irrelevant, you could keep on living together for ever, him married to another woman and you committed to him.
    The new perspective on the situation feels a lot better.

    ***293: April Rose says:
    “For me he can’t commit to me whilst he has a legal connection to someone even though their relationship is finished and in the past. ”

    Wow, thanks for this, Smile.
    I’m trying it on for size. Thinking up a speech for WM that says whilst he has a legal connection to someone else, I’m still just dating him (and therefore open to other dates aswell). Yes, I like that. Brilliant.***

    ***7 April Rose says:
    He says he wants us to be exclusive and committed. He can get a divorce in six months time (before then she will contest it).
    It’s ME who feels so uncertain about a lifelong commitment.
    The word lifelong sounds so final. I like variety and choices. That’s why I don’t want to say today that I want a lifelong relationship. Who knows what exciting man will turn up tomorrow? And the next day?***

    Which makes my right hand come up behind my right ear and scratch behind it with the tip of my nail…. 🙂 I feel confused.
    If I tell a man the reason I am Cdating is that he is keeping a legal connection with another woman, what reason do I give to keep Cdating after he is divorced from her?
    If I Cdate because I am not ready to say I want a life long commitment, which is my absolute right, why do I tell a lie about it? Why make a speech to say I Cdate because he is staying married?

    ***Maybe our situation suits us both well. Pretending to be committed, and keeping our options open. Meanwhile enjoying having a companion and a friend and a lover….***

    You might be coming to a realisation. Rori says it often along her articles, the truth is inside me. Until I learn to take it all back to me and to know what I want, I can’t put myself in the position to have it. And often when I learn what I want I realise it is not what I thought.
    Yet I do feel confused by the expression “pretending to be committed”. I don’t know what that looks like when it is a conscious choice on both parts.
    The word “pretending” does not feel healthy.


  28.  #28Daria on May 6, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    i just answered some POF and Tagged inbox messages…


    i have smoe texts on my phone i never answered…

  29.  #29IamHis on May 6, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    almost done with Targetting Mr. Right.

    Rori said that most of the Circular Dating will not be the men you meet online, but the men you meet “out and about.”

    I feel frustrated because I meet plenty of men out and about, but I feel like I have some kind of fear or anxiety block that keeps them from getting my contact info in order to ask me out…

    I feel really scared of getting too serious with one man, or if I suspect (I should just ask him and talk about it, but I don’t) that he wants more than I want or wants to be “more serious” than I want to be.

    I have a pattern of “dropping out” of my interactions with men with whom I’m “talking to” or “hanging out with.”

    I always have this thought of “what would happen if I just stop putting effort into this? if I just backed off and closed up. Would he try to figure out what was going on?”

    and what I’ve noticed is that they do notice, but not until AFTER I’ve already “given up” on them having any ability to step up whatsoever.

    I also still don’t understand the section in the ebook that talks about the woman “going all in” or something?

    like, she has to decide that she is truly interested in that one man?

    still don’t understand how that factors into circular dating…

    also, guys definitely “give up” if they think you’re not interested…

    which, apparently my fear and indecision is cause for them to “give up…”

    I want someone to fight for me, even if they think I’m not interested, or that I’ve lost interest, or that I’ve found somebody new…

    I want lots of somebodys! I want to get to know a lot of men, but this soooo doesn’t seem to fly with a lot of guys!!

    also, been feeling so much guilt over the way I’ve “dropped out” with men in the past, the way I’ve treated men in the past…

    feeling disgusted seeing men treat me the way I used to treat men…

    you reap what you sow, I guess…

    I am determined to get healthy. to feel healthy, to BE healthy…

    Creating an eharmony account.

    Feeling terrified and unsure of myself…

    wondering if I should wait until my life has “settled down” a bit more as far as my profession goes…

    disagreeing with some things, agreeing with others, experimenting…

    I feel overwhelmed, but hopeful.
    Tired, but not shot down…

  30.  #30Daria on May 6, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    i feel fear sadness and guilt

    the truth is, if he wanted to be sexually exclusive i would probably NOT want it (though i might agree for a period in order to have healing regular sex and learn about my sexuality… woudl i agree? i want to think)

    i really just don’t feel comfortable knowing a man is living with another woman, or emotionally involved with her (seeing her everyday and considering her happiness in his decisions as a close friend)

    i didn’t care if he was sleeping with her sometimes, before i found out he was living with her (and after the choice to forgive being “wronged” by having seen them have sex)

    so now i feel urges to explain, and also feel sad and scared that ill get what i asked for from him – offer of sexual exclusivity – and push it away/block it out

  31.  #31Dominique on May 6, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    dcd568 – 25 – exactly!!


  32.  #32smile on May 6, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    I remember reading something from rori that says… All that matters is how you feel, and that things are moving forward.

    This feels easier than to let the fact that he’s not yet divorced create anxiety.

    Yes amb is still married and he’s much more able to do relationship than men I’ve been in a relationship with in the past who have never been married. This is my experience.

  33.  #33smile on May 6, 2013 at 1:03 pm

    But because of my experience with unavailable men in the past, I won’t live with him until he’s divorced. This is my boundary to protect my heart. I will cd myself and keep the open vibe about me.

  34.  #34CurvySiren10 on May 6, 2013 at 1:07 pm


    She is blonde and over 200 lbs. I feel judgmental, but I think she wears too much make up and doesn’t dress well for her body type.
    To me, they look really, really WRONG together.
    but he like, ADORES her.
    It is the strangest thing to me.
    She seems SECURE in herself.
    and she seems to ACCEPT him, exactly as he is, pizzeria career and all.

    It took me a long time to ‘get’ this but when a man loves a woman, all of the physical stuff is really secondary. Make up, clothes, weight… it’s not as important as we think it is. The key there is that SHE is ‘secure’ in herself. That is by far (in my experience) the biggest attractor in a woman. None of that other stuff matters if she exudes confidence. And of course, the acceptance she has for him is also powerful.

  35.  #35IamHis on May 6, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    @34 CurveySiren – I’m realizing this. I love it. I want so badly to be at a place where I’m secure in myself again, and where a man could never take that away…

    I remember when a man loved me.

    I didn’t understand it. I felt unloveable, and he ultimately gave up…

    I will love myself again.
    A man will love me again, and I will love and accept him loving me.

    I will love myself again.
    A man will love me again, and I will love and accept him loving me.

    I will love myself again.
    A man will love me again, and I will love and accept him loving me.

  36.  #36dcd568 on May 6, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    31: Dominique says:
    dcd568 – 25 – exactly!!

    This confirmation from someone with such wisdom makes me happy and excited that I am starting to understand things. Thank you.

  37.  #37Syreena on May 6, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    Great thread.

  38.  #38IamHis on May 6, 2013 at 1:33 pm

    I have to admit this to myself:

    When it involves a guy I’m interested in, or a guy that I’m not sure I’m interested in or not, I turn into the world’s worst communicator.

    I feel terrified and stupid and unsure of what my “role” as the woman in the relationship is…

    I have a point where I always want him to take over, define things…

    but he never does…

    or I somehow subconsciously push him away…
    make him believe I’m not interested…

    and I can never tell how he feels until so much time has passed that it confuses me?

    & there are always other guys at that point, but I hate “losing” them.

    and I know you’re not supposed to care about “losing” them, but I do…

    or maybe I don’t care about “losing” them until the other guys in my imaginary rotation show their true colors, and I don’t realize what I “had” until it’s “gone.”

    this has been my pattern…

    and no dating…

    and I swear, everyone is “exclusive” and in those stupid “Facebook Official” relationships.

  39.  #39IamHis on May 6, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    I always feel like I “drop out” right before it gets “real.”

    and another girl is always there, waiting and ready to “pounce.”

    and then they get married, and I’m still alone…

    wonder where all this is coming from…

    wonder when this will stop being “true” for me…

  40.  #40IamHis on May 6, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    I seriously cannot think of one man or woman that I know that is “Circular Dating.”

    I wish they were, but they are not…

  41.  #41Dominique on May 6, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    dcd568 – 🙂


  42.  #42IamHis on May 6, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    I want to try it, but I still feel stumped as to how it all works, and what it is that’s “blocking” me.

    also, that flirting technique in Targetting Mr. Right?

    Guys do that TO ME.

    and it’s like they expect ME to approach.

    I haven’t seen or heard or read anything that talks about how to handle that…

    The Rori Raye Dance Position has only worked once for me…

    Actually, now that I think of it,

    It sort of worked this weekend.

    “experiment guy” who I lean forward with quite a bit, because, again, I’m experimenting and not too terribly attached to the outcome,

    he SHOCKED me by ALMOST approaching me this weekend.

    I was talking to a friend of his and I guess that gave him courage.

    He came all the way across the large room to where we were. It looked like he was about to talk to me, but then it looked like he gave up.

    I attract that.

    Guys who come almost all the way, but then give up.

    I’ll even “distance myself from the crowd” to make it easier, and they still give up…

    I have to be honest, I don’t like to put a lot of effort into attracting men.

    I want it to be easy and effortless.

    Sometimes it is, but sometimes something feels VERY off…

    Feeling frustrated and determined…

  43.  #43Turquoise on May 6, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    Hi Sirens! I’m still suffering with this cold, but it’s getting better. I had my Cinco de Mayo party Saturday night and it was fun…. seeing friends, listening to latin music, eating yummy food. I’m very looking forward to a fun filled summer.

    Chemist texted me today to say Hi stranger, how have you been….. I said ok, told him my mother passed away, it’s been hard. He replied sorry to hear that, and then poofed.

    I feel like making a clean sweep…. knocking these old guys that never amount to more than dinner and a few kisses, off my horse. I feel like maybe keeping these old guys around, is slowing me down or making me go slowly.

    I heard from a new guy on POF, sounds good… his picture is fuzzy… we will see if the conversation picks up!

    The one thing I can say about CDing, is that now that I really feel like I am the prize, I am the catch, I feel like I deserve to have a handful of men around me, that I don’t have to commit to one who isn’t offering me what I want, that it’s MY choice… wow, exhilarating to really feel this!

  44.  #44Daria on May 6, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    Yay Turqoise ! feels awesome to read your last paragraph

    i feel smily really big

  45.  #45smile on May 6, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    You sound great turquoise x

  46.  #46April Rose on May 6, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    Yay, Turquoise
    You are the prize!

  47.  #47April Rose on May 6, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    “If I Cdate because I am not ready to say I want a life long commitment, which is my absolute right, why do I tell a lie about it? Why make a speech to say I Cdate because he is staying married?”

    I feel a bit silly about being so slow to put truthful words to my feelings! And, yes, I am not ready to say I want a lifelong commitment with him. There is a lot of misunderstanding and miscommunication, and not enough ease and flow between us. Often feels like a struggle.

    Next thing for me to ask myself is “do I want a lifelong commitment with a man at all?” Difficult to answer, because I think my subconscious patterns have kept me away from great and compatible men.

    THAT is why I need to CD. To experience the whole menu of men, and to keep asking myself “Would I want a lifelong commitment with him?” “How is he as a partner? Do I feel honoured? Would he go out on a limb for me?”

    The word ‘pretending’ is perhaps not the right word. A better word is ‘presuming’. In the past we presumed we were in a relationship (of the accepted cultural type in the UK – once you’re sleeping with someone it automatically becomes monogamous), and it could fall back there if I don’t speak up and act on my desire to CD.

  48.  #48Kerri on May 6, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    I love cdating. The quality of men and dates have improved since I started. I wish I started cdating in my early 20s! I makes it easier when a man goes poof. I don’t feel the need to chase and it’s easy to say good bye when they are not the right fit for me.

    How long do you wait before you have sex with any men you cdate ?

    Ps April rose I also dated a divorcing man, … I recommend reading dating the divorcing man by dr Christie Hartman. The book is amazing and provided great relationship advice:)

    Best advice ever … As long he is married he is not complety committed to you because he still has a wife … Your relationship can not be exclusive 🙂

  49.  #49Andrea on May 6, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    What I’m learning from Circular Dating (and I have to admit that I’m really new to it.. starting with just cding myself and meditating in the evening that I am a man magnet and romancing myself) But I’m feeling very powerful about being able to say no when I want to say no.
    There is a man who has been chasing me. He is considerate, kind, always pays for everything, wants to make all kinds of plans for dates, etc.. seems like a wonderful date at least; but he drains me energetically. Even though I know that he offers half of what I want in a man, I have given myself permission to tell him no.
    He found out that I dumped the man I’d currently been seeing, and am dating again. And he has called me three times now, and finally today asked me out for dinner tomorrow night.
    I’m realizing that I can use “feeling” language to turn him down in a way that he will hear. By Cding I’m feeling empowered because I know that I have many many options out there and I don’t have to settle for feeling icky just to go on a date.
    I know that more men will start to ask me out. The energy just feels so right for that. But also, I have the right to say No to someone… for no reason at all. I just don’t want to be near him. And I’m allowing myself to invite in those I want to get close to, and gently shut out those I don’t want close.

  50.  #50Zia on May 6, 2013 at 4:55 pm

    Oh my, the timing of this post is PERFECT!

    SIRENS!! I feel so excited to share with you today!!

    I knew that things broke up with my ex for a reason, and a big part of that reason was to find this place, and to start my REAL journey of self discovery. But I have also still been feeling like I’m not quite getting it, and still hung up on him even though I know he’s not the best for me.

    It has hit my like a tonne of bricks!! He was put in front of me so that I can address my insecurity issues, and the way I tend to detach from myself and those around me. Both of these things in him are the parts of me that I didn’t want to see. In working through Rori’s Toxic Men program, and now targeting mr right – if he had been one of a rotation of CDs, and I was curious, I would have seen this lesson without all the heartbreak.

    But now I finally FINALLY feel so happy and free because I’ve learned this lesson! And now I can face him on the weekend with an open heart and a smile, because I feel so happy.

    I cannot wait to see what other lessons each man who comes into my life has for me and it’s such a wonderful mindset to go forward with. Come at me, universe!!!!!

    Just wanted to share my feelings of giddy happiness with you all xoxoxoxo

  51.  #51Femininewoman on May 6, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    April Rose I have watched your journey and I believe you have come a long way. You will get there, that place that is a good fit for you.

  52.  #52Turquoise on May 6, 2013 at 8:39 pm

    🙂 thanks Sirens!

  53.  #53Turquoise on May 6, 2013 at 8:45 pm

    Another thing I feel really passionate about right now is cooking and feeling open to new things…. Trying new things, going new places, meeting new people. I feel so good about what might be out there and finding my place, where I want to be. I feel good about me, with or without one special guy. I can enjoy the men I meet, no matter where it leads. 🙂

  54.  #54k2012 on May 6, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    “Rori has written lots about attraction; the men you feel instantly attracted to are often the ones that are all wrong for you. They are often unavailable (physically or emotionally),”…….. Oh my goodness. Is this the theme for this evening? Dominique can u imagine? This is the same subject we were talking about on your blog. Seems like u and Rori and Jonathan planned. Jonathan made the point on his group facebook page too that the men who u feel instantly attracted to are the ones who fade quickly. Wow. So true. Excellent post Rori. Bravo to u Marilyn. U stuck it out and the guy who weren’t that attracted to stepped up. Great. This is really motivating me. Just this evening I was talking to my sister and saying that in days gone by, when we talk about dating, it wasn’t dating one person, it was dating a number of persons and I actually said 3 guys seem reasonable. Just this evening I said it. Yesterday, I was also thinking about it and said that 2 guys is too small a number, more like 3. That should do it. When I was talking to my sister and made the point I just made a while ago, I told my sister for the umpteenth time about Circular Dating that Rori speaks about. I also mentioned to my sis that I won’t focus on one person again. I was explaining circular dating to her. Hairdresser/relationship agrees with the technique too and also agreed with me that 3 guys would be fine. I think I might try online dating again, but I will read up everything on it from all the relationship coaches I subscribe to-an unbelievably 11, lol. I feel a bit scared but I will take the plunge (again) sooner or later. Have to catch up on the blog sometime later.

  55.  #55Lioness on May 6, 2013 at 10:53 pm

    Dear Rori,

    Would you help me?
    Two years ago I had a bad break up. My then boyfriend and I had been together for a couple of years. After the break-up I developed an obsessive imaginary relationship crush on a coworker. He would flirt with me but never ask me out. I spend a whole year analysing him and making excuses for the fact that he wasnt asking me out. Later I found out he had a secret girlfriend and was just stringing me along .

    I realized I had been out of the dating game for too long and needed help. It was then I found your site and read your book! I started working on myself and practicing your tools and sure enough a “good man” showed up. He was an old acquaintance that took an interest in me. Soon we were dating…he kept making all the moves and I kept being warm and open. Before long, I had forgotten the bad break-up,work-crush and was really enjoying being with a man that seemed into me.

    We were casually dating and I was having fun but soon the neediness set in…and I starting asking him about the relationship etc. He disappeared on me for 2 weeks. I worked on myself and I didn’t reach out
    Well he came back. I was happy but something about him seemed different. I tried to be less needy but instead I felt more needy. I was glad he came back but at every turn I felt he would abandon me again. Still, he was showing interest and we were dating and I was having fun. The minute I really, really started to like him, He suddenly seemed to be less interested in me. His entire tone and attitude turned way more casual when I thought we were moving towards something!
    We didn’t see each other for three weeks though he would email . During this three-week period I was freaking out thinking it was over. Well, it wasn’t because he called and wanted to see me again and have a date and seemed to miss me. I felt a little put off by his nonchalance..he just acted like everything was exactly the way it was before he started distancing himself. I told him I didn’t want to see him right now and would explain later. Then wrote I him an emotional email using FMs. I thought telling him about my emotions would draw him closer? But they seem to push my guy away.
    He never wrote back. That was five weeks ago. I feel hurt and angry about it all. I was thinking he would show back up by now but he hasn’t.
    I can’t help but think I did something wrong like I hurt his feelings or maybe he’s angry. I have so many questions. I know you advise staying feminine but is there anytime it’s ok to contact a man? Like when you acted out or something?
    I try to put the focus on myself but my mind keeps wondering to why he disappeared and will he come back. Any advice?
    Please keep doing what you do…thank you for all the tools.

  56.  #56Vi on May 7, 2013 at 12:01 am

    The stream of love arrows coming at me reminds me of a sinuous line. When it feels like the line is going down I go into thinking ‘now I am worthless ‘ . These thoughts feel draining and they make my heart feel upset and betrayed and shutting down… and I feel blocked.. and I am 100% sure that the Universe keeps sending me the arrows… it’s just my heart which feels not responding.. and numb to these arrows… awww … I feel glad to catch the signal and I feel glad I am ready to heal this and stop thinking those thoughts. I feel ready to see the ‘unclaimed’ time as a love arrow from the Universe to me and as a gift to myself. I am going to make it feel as a gift and I won’t beat myself up for that Vi I promise! I can make it feel like a steady line. Thank you Vi I love you!!

  57.  #57Vi on May 7, 2013 at 12:04 am

    My little girl let me know sshe feels insecure when I flirt with that guy… I choose to take it as a warning…

  58.  #58Kath on May 7, 2013 at 5:21 am

    I have done a lot of soul searching over the weekend and told my guy that I had made a decision that I wasn’t going away with him at the end of the month. I said it didn’t feel good that I was made to feel that I had to be careful of his feelings when I felt it was mine that were being disrespected. He didn’t say anything but then said he was only going to go if his sister came down and may only go on the saturday night- I just listened and didn’t say anything. I have no intention of not listening or respecting my own feelings and if he doesn’t setp up then I leave him behind. Having said that we have had an ok weekend when he has been very thoughtful and caring. The terms of endearment have not been evident though and that does hurt-he was always so affectionate and willing to show me his feelings but I guess that’s my fault for not making him feel safe. I am still conscious of the number of times he talks about events from his marriage or about his wife and the number of times when “We” is used it doesn’t refer to me and him but to his wife and him. The relationship is still current to him and I don’t know if that will ever change.

    He knows my feelings about his female friend (I am not threatened by her because they ended their short lived physical relationship long before he met me. I do not think she is a good person or is good for him but he can’t see that and I can’t dictate who he has as a friend- however, I can choose not to be part of it or condone it in any way.

    He has acknowledged though the stress and pressure I have been under since I moved into the house and I have said that in hind sight I shouldn’t have moved in. He knows I don’t like being there and he says he feels bad for the amount of money it has cost us and the pressure it has put on our relationship. He has said that I should not be paying more than I used to and so I have agreed to only pay what I used to and the rest must be met by him.

  59.  #59Hana Gan on May 7, 2013 at 6:47 am

    I’ve done it, I stopped going to the Salsa places that I know he’ll be there. I’ve told him straight out when he asked me to dance and try the same old thing that drove me crazy, “I can’t do this, it’s too hard for me” I cut the ties to him, and it gave me tremendous power. It still hurts because God knows why I still love him so much and compare everyone to him. I am tired of Circular Dating though, I’ve been doing it well, but I’m so tired of the same thing over and over, 🙁 I just don’t have the energy for it, as a mother of two, I am good at organizing my time, but I feel burnt out by the same thing, getting to know someone, going through the same steps with different people, uuuuuuugggggghhhhh!!! I know I know, it’s supposed to be fun, but I am tired of kissing so many frogs or even half princes *sigh. Do I take a break? or keep going? Am I close to the rainbow? HELP!!

    Really confused and burnt out

    Btw, does anyone know how do I get my picture up on the blog?

  60.  #60Hana Gan on May 7, 2013 at 6:50 am

    Zia, I just had to say, your post above made me smile, you are a ray of sunshine! Good for you!!! Learning from everyone is the key to growing in relationships.

  61.  #61Mel on May 7, 2013 at 6:59 am

    Hee hee… Marilyn. She gave me a really sireny name! 🙂

  62.  #62April Rose on May 7, 2013 at 7:10 am

    Thank you for your vote of confidence. Having your sireny support feels like my energy is puffing up with sparkles.

  63.  #63April Rose on May 7, 2013 at 7:12 am

    So it was you!! Thought so. I love your story.
    Does he still have the same handsome smile and green eyes?
    Do things keep getting better and better for you in this relationship? I sure hope so, coz you deserve it.

  64.  #64Femininewoman on May 7, 2013 at 7:30 am

    “Do things keep getting better and better for you in this relationship?”

    I have a meditation mantra that I learned from Burt Goldman and Laura Silva that I use everyday or as often as I can remember:-

    “Every day in every way I am getting better and better”

  65.  #65Femininewoman on May 7, 2013 at 7:35 am

    Last night I had a dream that felt surreal as if an out of body experience. I dreamt I was getting married to a gay guy. I was just there almost like in the background of the festivities. I got my dress messed up with food and it was like I was serving the others. It also seemed like I woke up the next morning wearing the wedding dress and remember being so busy serving the guests. It was so vivid this morning I wondered what my subconscious was trying to tell me and felt like I should start saying “I am ready for marriage” to myself again. To put that energy out there.

  66.  #66Mel on May 7, 2013 at 7:52 am

    April Rose!

    I feel smiley to hear from you. 🙂 You sound great, btw!

    Yup… things with me feel pretty peaceful and happy.

    The two of us get along really well. We have hiccups now and again, but we are communicating well, so things never get to a bad place. Using FMs really feels good to me now. It’s no longer awkward. And most times, I can truly say, I speak them without any expectation or blame and I feel sooo much better afterwards. Even just to have released those feelings.

    I still feel all swoony over his sparkly eyes and sweet smile. Incidentally, he says he never had green eyes until he met me; they were always hazel. He says I am magical and made them green for my own pleasure. LOL Probably true! 😉

    The only thing that makes me feel a little tinge of a sigh is that we don’t seem to have s*x as much as we used to. It’s still frequent though… and great… but I am a highly-s*xed person, so… I miss that sometimes. This is probably natural though. And when I’m feeling a little needy, I take that as my cue to take better care of myself and do something for me.

    I feel proud of myself and for how I am learning to handle things, deal with my “issues” and become a better person.

    Last night he said: “You are like a true jewel. A flash of sparkle from a distance, but something you can’t really appreciate fully until you get up close. Thank-you for letting me get close enough to appreciate you.” He’s a big manly sweetie-pie. 🙂

    I wanna go sit on a patio somewhere with my siren friends to chat and have a nice beverage. I wish we didn’t live so far away…


  67.  #67Violette on May 7, 2013 at 8:51 am

    A friend is a matchmaker and offered to set me up with a guy a colleague of hers works with. I said sure, that I was flattered she thought of me. Then she asked me to go on her friend’s matchmaking site and put together a profile. I said I wasn’t sure how I felt about going on a matchmaking site yet, that it was something I needed to put thought into, that I sometimes get resentful about the way things turn out if I put out too much effort in the beginning. She laughed at me! I said I’d be happy to go out with the guy if he wanted to call me. Hey, I don’t have a profile for him, nor do I want one! This is my friend wanting to set me up, right?

    Then she made a comment about my age (I’m 34 but look 24) so she said she’d tell them I was early 30’s…not my real age. I didn’t like that. What the heck is wrong with my age?

    I didn’t like the conversation in the end. I felt like she offered me a gift, then said, no you have to pay for it, or something. Based on how I felt after the call, I doubt the guy’s even going to contact me.

    Friends trying to “help” my lovelife isn’t always so good. I do a better job of it myself, thank goodness..

  68.  #68Femininewoman on May 7, 2013 at 8:55 am

    Maybe the guy is in his 20s so she thinks she is doing a favor????

    In her ignorance.

  69.  #69prplpsn28 on May 7, 2013 at 8:55 am

    The whole cd’ing thing I get when it comes to yourself. But if I were to cd others I could totally see H thinking that I had lost interest in him. I certaintly would not want that to happen. Maybe I’m misunderstanding the whole cd’ing thing a bit?

    @ Dominique – day 4 and still no word. And today is tuesday (our eve for getting together). Ugh. I am trying hard to use your advice from the previous thread 🙂 but a bit hard to not think about it and wonder 🙁

  70.  #70Femininewoman on May 7, 2013 at 9:07 am

    But if I were to cd others I could totally see H thinking that I had lost interest in him

    So what if he does? Is he giving you what you want and fulling your needs?

    Day 4 no contact. 2 week and you don’t know if you are having your agreed meeting. Seems like reason enough to cdate in my humble opinion.

    Men don’t feel inspired to romance women who sit around waiting for them. That is not attractive.

  71.  #71Femininewoman on May 7, 2013 at 9:10 am

    Got this from Michael Fiore in an email:-

    Mary asks…

    “I love listening to you an Nora: I am dating three different men because each one has a different way of having sex. I have the best of all worlds. I am not afraid of STI’s but they are older but I am attractied to all three. I am older and have a great sex drive is why all three make me completely satisfied. I let them know this is a sex relationship. I am 72 yr. old but look and keep myself in shape to look in my 60″s. What I’m afraid of that one will want to get serious but being older, married four times, I’m just interested in sex only. I have to keep a calendar to make sure I keep my dates spaced apart. Is this unusual for older women or am I a slut?”


  72.  #72prplpsn28 on May 7, 2013 at 9:14 am

    FW – I don’t sit around waiting for him. I have my things that I do and I always have plans made in advance with friends on wknds unless H plans something in advance. Our tuesday evenings is something that he started and planned for us so that we have more time together.

  73.  #73k2012 on May 7, 2013 at 9:18 am

    “I want someone who is emotionally available. Maybe down deep I wasn’t either…I don’t know why I stayed in that relationship for over a year.” Dcd568. Wow. I can echo that first line, dcd. I definitely want someone who is emotionally available. I was in a relationship with a guy about 6 years ago who by his actions and his words (yes he said it) was not ready for a commitment. I too don’t know why I stayed, well in my case it was 9 months, not a year. I figured that things would change. Don’t know if was the same with u.

  74.  #74Femininewoman on May 7, 2013 at 9:28 am

    “Oh, and one other thing: you don’t need to worry that he’ll start thinking that you’re not interested, either. There are LOTS of things you can do to reassure him that it’s not his attractiveness that’s causing the delay.

    Reassure him that you are interested by complimenting him, kissing him, telling him how
    attracted to him you are, laughing at his jokes, openly enjoying his company …

    Look, I know it can be DAMNED difficult to wait. It’s not easy. But waiting UNTIL YOU ARE COMFORTABLE AND SURE is hands-down the best way to

    Think about it this way: would you rather wake
    up ‘the morning after’ feeling anxious, insecure,
    slightly panicky, and empty inside … or happy,
    completely comfortable and secure, and feeling
    really special and TOTALLY adored?

    It’s up to you.

    I’ll talk to you again soon! ”

    Your friend,

    Mirabelle Summers

  75.  #75BeLoved on May 7, 2013 at 9:57 am

    Very few things in a relationship will drive me battier than feeling uncertain and wondering if a man is going to show up or not.
    My time is precious and valuable, I respect it.
    I wouldn’t want to reserve a block of it for a ‘maybe’ with man who can’t be bothered to respect me and my time enough to confirm in advance.

    I have made other plans when men didn’t confirm, time and time and TIME again, and not once, ever ever ever, have lost a keeper over it.
    The good ones stepped up and make sure they confirm with me, and the ambivalent ones fade away.

    I wouldn’t worry about whether a man thought I was losing interest, I would be more concerned with “is this working for me? is this making me feel good, loved, cared for, considered, valued? is this man adding value, or detracting from my life and well-being?”

  76.  #76Mel on May 7, 2013 at 9:58 am


    If CDing yourself is all you are comfortable with, start there. But honestly, the more you CD real people, the better.

    “But if I were to cd others I could totally see H thinking that I had lost interest in him. I certainly would not want that to happen”

    Have you agreed to exclusivity? Has he specifically asked you to be exclusive? I am not talking about assuming you are exclusive because neither of you is seeing another person. I am talking about him actually asking you for it.

    Rori has spoken about guys KNOWING that unless they have asked you to be exclusive, they have no claim on you. They know this.

    So, if it were me, I might start entertaining the idea of CDing others during these long stretches of time that I do not see him. I’m not even sure if I would tell him so… a man who has no claim on me is not entitled to know what I do with my spare time. If he asks and I feel like telling him, that’s up to me. If I did I would use Rori’s no girlfriend speech.

    And it wouldn’t have to be anything serious. I could start by going out for coffee with a guy from work. I could go to a movie with a male friend. I could flirt with the bartender when I go out for drinks with the girls. If I felt like it, I could give my number to a nice man who asks.

    Cding, I think, will either inspire him to step-up because he misses you always being “around” and doesn’t want to lose you. Or it may cause him to fall away. But by that time, you will be having so much fun with men that can actually appreciate you that you will be bored of him anyways.

  77.  #77Mel on May 7, 2013 at 10:02 am

    “My time is precious and valuable, I respect it.”

    Exactly BeLoved! Love this! 🙂

  78.  #78Dominique on May 7, 2013 at 10:12 am

    Purple – 65 – This seems to be a new pattern with him. A test from the universe? Maybe. An opportunity for you to look at things in a new way? Maybe. A chance to grow and learn? Certainly.

    The question for you still is if you can love him and accept him even with this? Even with the uncertainty. It can be hugely healing learning to sit with these feelings of uncertainty. Yes they feel uneasy, full of anxious energy. And when you can get to a place where all is well feeling even when you have these feelings, you will have done some great work.

    And remember always that you get to choose every step of the way.

    Another reminder is that CDing doesn’t necessarily mean dating other men. It can mean dating your gfs, yourself too.


  79.  #79seahorse on May 7, 2013 at 10:25 am

    FW 70- That was awesome, it’s going in the journal. Thank you

    I’m having a really bad time right now with anger. It’s around my 14 siren in training daughter. She’s been having a hard time with the visitation with her father and it’s coming to a head. I feel mama bear grizzly is wanting to come out and verbally annihilate all who hurt her cub. Tear and rend these people who give her nightmares and disreguard her words……… crying and so angry right now!!!!!!!! I say nothing to him because he said ‘they are fine, don’t worry about it’……… that was in response to me texting him that she was saying she would like some one one with her dad’…………… little siren saying how come he won’t be with just me???? looking at me like i can make it better!!!! Rend and tear off his head… he looks at her sweet face and tell her to mind her manners and stop crying!!!! Fit in fit in!!!!! She doesn’t get it. We use the tools from Rori and the therapist and still……….. Why doesn’t he love me??? why doesn’t he appreciate me Mommy…….. she calls me mommy when she’s hurt and I am mama grizzly bear looking for blood and so fn angry………….. dumb azz man……. love from sucha sweet little soul like that and throws it away. CLAWING AT MY HEART!!!! breathing low and I have no control over what happens there. One weekend a month and it takes that long between visits to get her back on her horse….. It’s coming to her finally saying exactly how she feels. No lying saying everthing is okay dad…… He can’t help if you lie. I told her that. you can do it sweet pea! Say how you feel. Your enough and beautiful and so are your feelings…speak it to him and be surprised!!! I, mama bear want to rip off his head, noo don’t do it seahorse!! it’s not about you!! it’s about the littlest sweetest most gorgeous siren ever, she is worth all and please dear lord help me find the strength to find the words for her . Please, any words of advice would be appreciated sirens

  80.  #80Violette on May 7, 2013 at 10:41 am

    FW, I’m sure she meant it from a good place, which is why it’s so important for me to always be in a space of forgiveness and wishing her and others the best. It’s also important for me to be aware when something feels bad though, because I don’t want that in my life.

  81.  #81seahorse on May 7, 2013 at 10:43 am

    I don’t want to feel sadness for him. Or for that matter his girlfriend or her daughters. I want to feel ………………….. that I don’t care about them. i feel sorry for them…. Why?????? I feel like there’s a heavy coat weighing me down every time I deal with these issues around him. I want to feel the lightness of forgivness and peace and that is feeling better.. breathing low. I feel sad. I feel lightness when i imagine my sweet pea growing and learning to be her. Just her as she is enough. Enough what mom??? and i say ‘why sweet pea you are just enough of everything that is perfect, you are enough just as you are’……. then she asks ‘ why isn’t it enough for him?’ …and I say…..’ not being a mind reader, I have no idea.’ Tell him how you feel sweetpea’ i don’t know what else to do…… Is there anything else to do…. waiting for her to what?

    And meanwhile we do fun. We daance with each other and play and sing and create artworks of our hearts. Tell silly made up stories and go have mani and pedis and be very silly. I don’t know what to do anymore for her to not “wear the mask” She has nightmares of masks……… lots of artwork concerning masks……. She said she doesn’t want to wear the masks anymore.

  82.  #82Indigo on May 7, 2013 at 10:46 am


    I want to echo what Beloved, Mel and Dominique have said.

    Eventually you will get to a point where it won’t be about whether he thinks you are losing interest, it will all be about how YOU feel, and what YOU want.

    As Dominique says, sit on these feelings, meditate on them, see what they are saying and spend some time getting to know what you can and can’t live with.

    I would highly encourage you to CD – start small, it doesn’t have to be anything you’re uncomfortable with. However, when you are ready, I would encourage you to be a bit audacious with your CDing, and maybe accept a drink or coffee with another man. There is NOTHING wrong with this. You will start to see how absurd it is to be anxious about a man who is hardly around – there is a WHOLE WORLD of men out there. If he is the right man for you, believe me he will snap to.

  83.  #83Indigo on May 7, 2013 at 10:52 am

    The guy I had the wonderful date with on Sunday? Phoned me last night. We talked for about 20 minutes. After we hung up, he sent me a text saying, I forgot to ask you… Would you like to go to dinner on Friday night?



    And this is a guy who gave me his number, and from the get-go I said “Oh I’m a woman’s woman, I don’t contact guys. Let me know if you would like my number”. And he replied with “Of course I would like your number!”


    Yay for a Friday night dinner date set up 4 days in advance! With a lovely guy whose company I enjoy!

  84.  #84dcd568 on May 7, 2013 at 10:55 am

    K2012 – 69

    I thought about it awhile and realized that we had talked about so many things and wanted the same things and he had a good core and a good heart. I thought that since he really had no idea the emotional baggage of a divorce after 25 years of marriage would catch up with him, that I should try and be understanding when he was moody. He was a career military man and they tend to compartmentalize everything. Intellectually he had worked everything out….Emotionally….another story.

    I was already hooked and wanted very much the things that we had talked about having with eachother. HE was not ready for that. I was and I AM. It wasn’t me, it was HIM!

    I am not too hard on myself about staying so long because apparently it was a lesson I needed to learn for future relationships. Follow your instinct. If you don’t follow your instinct and you stay to see if it will work out, when you realize that it keeps “not working out” leave. I will leave much sooner if there is a next time. I can’t find the one I’m supposed to be with if I’m wasting my time with a “project”.

    I am involved with a real sweetheart right now. Emotionally available and ready for a relationship. I am very happy.

  85.  #85Rori Raye on May 7, 2013 at 10:55 am

    Andrea – OMG – You ROCK!!!! Totally! Please just keep doing what you’re doing – and thank you so much for these comments, for your story – and I know we all look forward to your updates. Love, Rori

  86.  #86dcd568 on May 7, 2013 at 10:57 am

    Sorry… K2012 Post #71

  87.  #87Indigo on May 7, 2013 at 10:57 am

    Coincidentally, or maybe not so coincidentally, D has messaged me every day since this guy phoned me on Saturday. Guys really can feel our vibe from a distance…

  88.  #88Rori Raye on May 7, 2013 at 10:59 am

    Lioness, Welcome – and to help by clarifying – you need to Circular Date!! This will help you stop focusing in on any one man. And the Feeling Messages, unless you’re seriously involved with someone – mostly have to be NOT about the relationship. To learn how – use Poetry and FM’s about the weather, movies – stuff like that. Discussing a relationship with a man who “isn’t there” emotionally is a losing proposition. Remember – you’re RESPONDING – NOT initiating! As soon as you wrote him that letter (initiating) – you lost your power. Love, Rori

  89.  #89seahorse on May 7, 2013 at 11:06 am

    Enlightenment is the ego’s biggest disappointment……………….. My ego is getting smaller and my soul grows in proportion ………………. i do feel sadness and forgivness for them. They want love too and are doing what they know to get it. I feel concern for my little siren. That’s my job as her mom………… and kisses. Hugs and sometimes to get in bed with me. And that feels much better. Beathin low and releasing ………………… Thank you

  90.  #90Tereana on May 7, 2013 at 11:10 am

    IamHis – I like your observation in #23

    And this post is making me think about my current situation.. and like the contrast (or confluence) between some of what Rori says, and Dominique’s philosophy.

    First off, this does sound a lot like Mel’s story – maybe Rori changed the name. Or maybe another siren simply had the same or similar experience! It can happen to more than one person…And this is of course the idea result of CDing that we might want.

    I must say, though, here have been several guys who have stayed in my ‘rotation’ – popping back up now and again to take me out, or to check in in with me – but who haven’t really ever “stepped up” in any real way. Just because a guy is persistent, or recurring, doesn’t mean that he’s real “partner” material. he may be just on a permanent “Circular Dating” mode himself, and if he’s had a good experience with you, he may come back for more, but that doesn’t mean he wants you permanently for himself. I’m just saying. It’s more the increased interest and the demonstrating that he’s really there for you and interested in you that counts more than simply ‘staying around.’ But that wasn’t my point.

    I guess I haven’t given up on this new guy completely. I think the “trigger-happy,” reactive me would have dismissed him out of hand, after what transpired on Sunday. But I chose to own up to the fact that I was triggered and reactive, and he said that he understood, and that he wanted to talk about it “in person.” (which is what I wanted anyway, but I didn’t actually say it ! )

    Yesterday, after not hearing back from him all day, I thought, “Well, that’s it. He’s disappeared. I’d better just forget about him.” But then he sent me a big text, suggesting a day we could meet, and he was all sweet and wishing me good night. It was late, so I just said I would text him more today about meeting up.

    Here’s where this Rori post is making me think – this guy is in some ways a “bad boy,” or irresponsible, or not quite ready for a relationship. I can see that. But I can also see where he’s wounded, and that it is a similar way in which I have been wounded, too. And it’s not really about “sparks flying.” I thought he was cute when I saw him, but I also wasn’t quite sure. It wasn’t until he kissed me that I felt attracted to him at all, and then it was quite strong! But I am trying not to get stuck on that, and to continue to see him as the person he is – because that is how I want to be seen.

    And I’m thinking about how Dominique (and others, like Gay and Kathleen Hendricks) say that sometimes we can “attract” those who are similarly wounded to us, and this is not always a bad thing. If we are aware, and have good communication and boundaries, then even when we are “triggered” by the other person, this trigger can become an opportunity for healing, for both parties. We can’t control their progress, or how they develop as a person. But we can notice where we are, and possibly heal through the relationship – even if the relationship is not one that lasts forever. But it could be, and we don’t really know unless we open ourselves up to the process.

    And what I noticed is that it felt bad to simply write this person off because of one thing that he said. It felt to me as if I was “running away” from the strong feelings I was having. And I don’t like the idea of “running away.” And so, I am choosing to open myself up to the ways he is showing himself to be also compassionate and understanding. And I don’t have to know everything or be everything. And I don’t have to let the fear of the past or the future control me, as long as I can stay present and aware in the moment that is right now.

    That’s my thought for the day….

  91.  #91BeLoved on May 7, 2013 at 11:15 am

    Last week I dreamed I was surrounded by young women who were very interested in me and asking me whether I was a lesbian.
    I smiled, felt really good, opened my arms and said, “I am OPEN!”

    This morning, I dreamed I met a beautiful black woman and went to bed with her. I told her, “I’ve never done this before,” she seemed fine with it, very sweet.

    Well, imagine my surprise when I woke up from the dream, turned over to check my email on my laptop, and her photo was in my inbox from the dating site as someone who viewed my profile.

    My mouth dropped open and I sat there…feeling…stunned.

    She lives fairly far away, but I’m going to contact her.
    If nothing else, it makes a good story.
    At best I could learn something totally new about myself 😀

  92.  #92Shar Lean Way Back on May 7, 2013 at 11:25 am

    What you wrote about your daughter is beautiful. And how lucky she is to have a Mom like you and to be learning the Siren Way.
    The only thing I could suggested is telling her he is doing the best he knows how. And he is on his own journey and maybe not as aware as she is even though she is much younger. Maybe to let go of expectations and to accept him but to speak her truth. Maybe this is what he is there to teach her.

    I had a clueless ex myself and felt the same way you do. We can’t change them or make them “see” what is so obvious.

  93.  #93Dominique on May 7, 2013 at 11:27 am

    Tereana – 90 – Beautiful!!!


  94.  #94Tereana on May 7, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    OK, I’m back! 😉 I did such a weird thing – well, it feels weird to me, but I’m okay with that.

    I’ve been noticing on facebook that one of my friends from high school is married to an Indian man. She has a child, and the kid is pretty cute. I’ve been avoiding seeing what her husband looks like, and I finally had a look at his profile. He’s very attractive!! But besides that, he looks HAPPY. He’s excited to be married to my friend (a white girl from massachusetts, like me), and they look so happy together.

    Being that my dating pool has consisted of about 98% Indian guys for the past two years, I figured I would write her a note to see what that’s like for her, how it works, if she has run into any cultural issues and if she has any “pointers” for me. Not advice, exactly. I just want to know what is possible.

    As much as I love going out with these guys, maybe some part of me is okay with it only because it believes that it is impossible they will ever want to marry me. Though that’s not how it started. It started out, I think, with Indian men seeming more into marriage than other (American) men. But then I started to get exposed to the idea that Indian guys only date white women “for fun,” but will eventually succumb to the social pressures and cultural influences that suggest they should only marry an Indian woman – and that, at heart, most Indian men want that. But that isn’t necessarily true for all of them.

    Case in point: a CD I had a long time ago was even more marriage-minded than I gave him credit for. And I didn’t take him seriously (enough) at the time, probably because I wasn’t ready to make that leap myself – and also because he was controlling and possessive, and liked to do things to me in bed that I really didn’t appreciate. He was basically a rapist and thought that was his birthright. In fact, he’s the one who tried to have sex with me less than a month before he got married to someone else – a blonde white chick. But the point is – he got married.

    And I feel bad for her. I basically lucked out, because at least I didn’t get the life sentence of being married to someone who was only going to make me unhappy (because he really wasn’t very happy himself). But I would LOVE to know what it’s like to get to know someone who is happy, who is prepared to make me happy, and who doesn’t give a sh*t about my skin color, or heck, even loves it – and loves the fact that I’m Jewish And I love to dance Bhangra and wear a sari. I think that would be awesome.

    But I also know that coming to terms with my sexuality is a big part of it – all of it. Once I can accept it as a part of me, I think I’ll be fine. But until then…long road ahead! *sigh* baby steps….

  95.  #95butterfly on May 7, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    I have been reading this blog and Rori’s emails for awhile and would be curious as to what you think of this situation. i have been dating a widower for about 6 months. He was married to his late wife for 25 years and with her 4 before that. She died a year and a half ago. He makes plans with me almost every night, we don’t live together yet because I have a teenager who will be out of the house in 2 years and I don’t feel she needs a stepfather. He treats me like a queen and wants to be with me all the time and i think he is amazing and good and kind and we have so much fun when we are together. The issue I am having is that he has still not said I love you after 6 months of dating. I broke down on a trip we went on and told him I was falling in love with him. He didn’t seem freaked out or surprised at all, just said that because of his situation with his late wife that he couldn’t say it right now. It’s been almost 2 months since that trip and he still has not said he loves me but I can feel he does. What should I do? Should I chill out and just focus on what we have and be patient? Should I go back to dating others? Should I open the conversation up again? I don’t understand why I want to hear those words so badly either. probably my own insecurities?

  96.  #96seahorse on May 7, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    92 Shar- Thank you. I feel love from that, thank you!

    I do tell her those things and more……… I say ‘Love him for who he is. Just as you love yourself for who are. This is where he is on his journey. And sweet pea is on her own journey on a magnificent horse that leads to new adventures and look at all the new things you know about YOU………… and on and on we go.’ She said she was scared of telling him how she felt because he would get mad. I acted shocked and asked when she had developed her psychic super powers? Then we laughed. Then I did the expectation speech and the questions flowed and finally ebbed. I think maybe it’s time. Time and being passionately into HERSELF. Her art and drama class and the dog and guitar. Such a lovely young budding siren……. I feel so proud of us both. She said that…….. She said she FEELS proud of us. She speaks in feeling messages like she was born to it. Lovely. On a funny note……. Our therapist told me that I needed to do for myself whatever I did for her(sweat pea). That she was just awesome in relating her feelings to her(therapist). I felt so proud of us at that moment and then silly because I needed to do more work on myself! hehehehehhehehe!

  97.  #97BeLoved on May 7, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    I was starting to write a post about the feelings that came up when a married man just hit on me
    I remembered,
    I don’t have to be so thin-skinned.
    It ain’t no thang.
    Just some guy testing boundaries, like people do.
    I don’t have to be a raw, exposed nerve all of the time.
    I can feel these tender feelings and
    breathe through them and pivot and get back on track.

  98.  #98seahorse on May 7, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    90 Tereana!!!!
    That was beautiful………… I feel blessed to have read that. And 94 too. Just beautiful sweet Siren. I feel envy how perfect your words flowed. Ohhh, i want to be able to write so clearly like that. One day I will!! Loving on that too!! I feel like fireworks and bubbles popping for you!!! Yipeeeee!!!!!!

  99.  #99Turquoise on May 7, 2013 at 1:31 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    Tereana, that sounds scary… the indian man who almost raped you. Why do you limit yourself to Indian men? I’m sure they aren’t all like that…. but I have to admit that I do not write back to them when they email me. I prefer white men, and have only ever dated white men. I have often thought maybe I should be more open… but being that you are white, why exclude all other men? I’m curious as to how all of that feels for you.

  100.  #100Turquoise on May 7, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    Fuzzy picture guy has a lot of qualities that I really like….. we’ve been texting back and forth on POF since yesterday, but it’s kind of stiff…. I need a couple good feeling messages in there.

    Tereana, I really like what you wrote about men who may be on a permenant CD cycle and pop back up, but don’t step up. I have two of those myself. Tom and Chemist. Not sure if I want to keep them around. I guess no need to burn a bridge… but feels like what is the point? I want to make room for some new men.

    Mr. Conversation has been very flirty. I am stopping by his place today to borrow a lawn mower, mine is broken and my grass is starting to get embarrassing! I’m going to enjoy the best parts about him… flirting with him is fun and he is good conversation. He lives so close, our kids are friends, we run into each other…. going to keep it light and fun, make the best of it.

    C will be in this weekend and I really want to go on a date, but my sister just broke up with her boyfriend and wants to hang out. I want to be there for her, she is struggling. Maybe we can go out, hear some music and I can practice some 5 second stares with cuties. 🙂 I’m going to look and see what’s going on. Otherwise, we are hanging at my place watching Magic Mike and I can always imagine he’s giving me a private dance!

    Hugs sirens!

    FW, how was your reunion????

  101.  #101k2012 on May 7, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    “But because of my experience with unavailable men in the past, I won’t live with him until he’s divorced. This is my boundary to protect my heart. I will cd myself and keep the open vibe about me.” 33- Smile. Its like when they are separated, they are NOT TOTALLY free, you know what I mean “You are absolutely right.For me he can’t commit to me whilst he has a legal connection to someone even though their relationship is finished and in the past. ” It totally understand these statements. That’s the reason why I had to leave long time ex. We were involved while he was married. I wasn’t a christian at the time this happened, of course. I became a christian 4 years ago, next month. Anyway, I was involved with him while he was married and some years later, his marriage ended and I became the primary partner instead of the extra marital partner. I was happy but of course, of great concern, I as any other woman would do, rightfully asked when he would file for divorce. After he separated,we were together for 4 more years during this time I asked him about the divorce till I was sick. I mean while the emotional connection with his wife was severed and the relationship and marriage was okay, the legal connection was still there and of course, as a woman, I know that many of you sirens, if were in this situation, would not be comfortable with that. He offered many explanations. Some were legitimate and some were excuses. In the end, I got tired of the waiting and ended it. After that, I was wary of married men, separated men. Married men, of course are totally out, long before I gave my life to the lord. So in other words, even if I wasn’t a christian, once I hear u are married, I am not going there with u, even if I am attracted to u. I kept of separated men for 10 years after the breakup with long time ex (the man I said was married and then separated). I got involved with a separated man and promptly asked him when would he get his divorce. He told me that it was halfway true as in my country our laws are based if UK laws. So his divorce was partial, what we call decree nisi and he said he was 6 weeks away from his decree absolute. (Final divorce). I was ok with that cause at least he was almost there, u know what I mean. It still didn’t work out though. I wasn’t clicking with him and he had a temper. Oh I forgot, 5 years after I broke up with long time ex, I went out with a man that a friend of a friend introduced me to. I thought the man was divorced but he was separated. Things did not progress further though after that one date. We spoke on the phone 2 times and afterward, that was it. I have changed my stance against separated men. I am cautious with them but I don’t rule them out. So if a man is interested in me and he is separated, you can bet your last dollar, that I MUST ask u how soon are u going to get your divorce. Disappearing ex was filing for his divorce when we got involved, but at least he was filing. So his status was more like separated and divorcing. So at least u see that things have started. But its when they are separated and not actively filing for the divorce, just doing nothing, that’s the time I wil get miserable from all the waiting.

  102.  #102Luzydel on May 7, 2013 at 3:06 pm

    I don’t know…

    Circular dating for me is just a way to get out of the house and meet people, but I just don’t get that feeling that a man is right for me…

    I sense all of them are the same, hence emotionally unavailable. I am happier when I am not dating someone specifically, just meeting people around and not being too close with them works better for me.

    Being open has scared some men away, showing those part of myself that aren’t that nice and being transparent can scare men away… or maybe they were not the men for me, so they cooled off once they realized I am more than just a “pretty face”…

    I admit I have found good things about myself I thought I never had while Cding… But that sticky guy that stay there waiting for me? no I haven’t meet him yet… I wonder if I am just a one man woman, or if I should just commit to myself and date different men without their commitment.

  103.  #103k2012 on May 7, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    “My time is precious and valuable, I respect it.
    I wouldn’t want to reserve a block of it for a ‘maybe’ with man who can’t be bothered to respect me and my time enough to confirm in advance.” that’s right girl, that’s right. Exactly so. I believe it was Beloved who said this. Okay, I need u girls opinion on this. I mentioned on here recently that my sister overseas is going to introduce me to a man. Now the guy didn’t call. Yesterday my sister text me and said that the guy said that the reason why he did not call me, its because he wants to see my picture first. Sound strange to me. So what, if he considers me not pretty means he won’t be interested. I wonder if he knows that its not what is on the outside, its what is on the inside. I mean I know men are visual but according to my sister who lives with me, its shows the type of person that he is, which is not a compliment at all. What do u think of this?

  104.  #104Daria on May 7, 2013 at 5:14 pm

    i lost my post and it said that i felt sad about security man then happy 🙂

    i feel happy thinking he’ll come through or other men will…

    and im taking such good care of myself

    i just took an apple cider vinegar bath which im now convinced is like a cure-all heaven

    and i feel so good!

    i don’t feel ‘needy’ in any kinda way…

    i went out to the park with NeighborCD yesterday and put my feet on the grass (grounding or “Earthing”)

    and i feel so filled up!

    i feel happy i learned about static electricity build up and how it makes me feel awful (being above ground even on a second floor accumulates this voltage till eventually i ‘zap’ metals)

    and my electricity frequence transformer is on its way for the whole house!

    i feel like im healing old traumas/concussions from the back of my skull, and even from my old school right hip…

    smh wow i feel good!

    did i mention not feeling needy at all!??

    mmm smh


  105.  #105k2012 on May 7, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    “I mean while the emotional connection with his wife was severed and the relationship and marriage was okay, the legal connection was still there and of course, as a woman, I know that many of you sirens, if were in this situation, would not be comfortable with that.” Some errors were made in this post 100. It should read:”while the emotional connection with his wife was severed and the relationship and marriage was OVER, the legal connection was still there and of course, as a woman, I know that many of you sirens, if YOU were in this situation, you would not be comfortable with that.”

  106.  #106Lisa on May 7, 2013 at 6:26 pm

    I circle dated today at the health food store.. my favorite place to circle date. B/c the men there are men that have same interests as I do. Healthy living. I circle dated the men standing near the juice bar.. ( didn’t say anything but smiled at them) ( they didn’t say anything to me) I circled dated the man that helped me with my bouquet of flowers… and he was so awesome! I thanked him and looked him in the eye smiled and really had my feminine energy going. Even the man at the cash register I circle dated… he took a little while to warm up… but eventually he smiled at me and made eye contact… I’m really liking the fact that the world is full of men! and I can circle date any of them… notice them, be feminine and a siren and melt… smile and look at them in the eyes… and talk if they initiate it…. I even had a man last week pay for my vacuum at the car wash…

    So Cool!

    All the while I’m still deciding if “M” is going to step up to the plate and be the “one”.

    I’m noticing a shift in my mental chatter from spending so much time thinking about him, to noticing that my daughter is so beautiful and how much I miss out on when I allow my mind to constantly think about “M” and where the relationship is going. That makes me angry, so I’m choosing to focus on what’s in front of me… the mountains, my children, my wonderful home and garden… breathing and just being…

  107.  #107Lioness on May 7, 2013 at 6:47 pm

    Rori – I will circular date. I am single after-all. My mind is reelingfrom your response.
    Eye-opener. Thank you for clarifying.

  108.  #108Lisa on May 7, 2013 at 6:59 pm

    I just realized after reading Rori’s response on the other post… that I already could circle date and have lunch with other men… “M” and I have an agreement that I have male friends.. and can do things with them. As long as we are sexually exclusive.. So apparently I’ve been circle dating by just practicing with the butcher as she mentions. I didn’t realize that, she had meant staying sexually exclusive and having lunch with other men. I can do that… I can start to meet other men and make friends… Still honoring “M” and I’s agreement to have marriage on the table, and remain sexually exclusive and still have lunch or tea with other men… Wow! No wonder I’m feeling frustrated… I’m not circle dating the right way for where we “are” in the relationship. I need to get out there more… keep my options open until he moves more towards marriage…

    Suddenly, I feel totally less frustrated…

  109.  #109Lisa on May 7, 2013 at 7:44 pm

    Oh but wait… what do I tell them men I’m circle dating if I’m sexually exclusive with “M”. How do I get dates, if they ask me if I’m seeing someone? Do I just tell them I want friendship?

  110.  #110Tereana on May 7, 2013 at 7:54 pm

    Seahorse – thank you!! That felt so nice to read 🙂

    Turquoise – I totally hear you, but this is less like a case of “limiting” and simply that that has been my experience. Before a couple of years ago, I never dated an Indian guy, and never thought of it. But then suddenly, I started getting approached by a lot of them, and I discovered that I liked it. It’s something that I am amused by, and I’m just “going with it.” I’ve also been out with some white guys and black guys, Jewish and otherwise. I honestly don’t feel “limited.” I feel “focused.” ; ) and in the mean time, if something else comes along, that’s great. But I honestly feel more attracted to Indian men though than other guys. Can’t explain it, that’s just how it is : )

  111.  #111Tereana on May 7, 2013 at 7:56 pm

    Ladies, I feel so amused. So today, after posting about CDs resurfacing, I’ve had not one, but two former CDs contact me out of the blue. Lol. Must be spring fever ; )

  112.  #112Turquoise on May 7, 2013 at 8:10 pm

    Tereana, you sound really great by the way!!!! 🙂

  113.  #113Turquoise on May 7, 2013 at 8:22 pm

    Fuzzy picture guy just asked me out for a drink 🙂 I haven’t been on a date in awhile…. I’m excited!

  114.  #114Starbright on May 7, 2013 at 8:26 pm


    Also, from reading your posts, it seems there are thoughts that Indian men may only play with white women and hardly ever want to get serious…just wondering if what is really going on here is that Indian men are playing the role of the unavailable man for you…basically the idea of this post written by Rori and Marilyn.

  115.  #115Lioness on May 7, 2013 at 8:57 pm

    Just to clarify – I wan’t initiating by sending the letter…it was a Response to his phone call.

  116.  #116Indigo on May 7, 2013 at 9:55 pm

    Beloved 96

    I love this:

    “I don’t have to be a raw, exposed nerve all of the time.
    I can feel these tender feelings and
    breathe through them and pivot and get back on track.”

    I realised this. I don’t have to be at the mercy of my sensitive, vulnerable, tender feelings. I can actually choose to protect them and be strong and not be hurt all the time.

  117.  #117Emerson on May 7, 2013 at 11:25 pm

    113 tereana for the record I know a few white women that married Indian men and have kids now! Super cute families and happy…
    They are not all looking to just play… But players come in every color…

  118.  #118Vi on May 7, 2013 at 11:25 pm

    I feel like my anxiety and guilt about my sexuality are gradually peeling off.. I feel so so soft these days.. I feel so thankful for CDing tool…

  119.  #119Zia on May 7, 2013 at 11:44 pm

    alright sirens! i have a few guys i’ve been messaging/emailing/chatting to on some dating sites. feels good and it’s helping me slowly get into the mindset of being the target, and having those arrows come at me. now, to see which one asks me out first! 🙂

  120.  #120Tereana on May 8, 2013 at 12:08 am

    So, I am getting some good practice with waiting and having no closure.

    Today, the new CD and I finalized plans for Saturday dinner. Then I asked where we should meet, like what restaurant. I haven’t heard back. So I can only assume he is doing mad research in order to pick out the bestest spot ; )

    Then M, who wrote to me today, too, asked me out for next week. He always wants to see me on a week day, never a weekend. I don’t know why. But my weekdays are literally all busy. So I offered to meet him Friday. It’s up to him. He never got back to me…and I’m not worried about it.

    I feel pretty secure right now, and it doesn’t feel fake. I think it’s because I am finally getting the help I need. And I’m doing it for myself. So I don’t feel like I “need” something from someone else.

    Perhaps my CDs are picking up on my calm and cool vibe : ) I’m feeling pretty good today – very low on drama. And I like it : )

    Xoxo, good night, ladies!! 🙂

  121.  #121Emerson on May 8, 2013 at 12:20 am

    FW I like this mantra about getting better and better…I needed that

  122.  #122Emerson on May 8, 2013 at 12:23 am

    I’ve been lacking discipline in my finances this week as well as my diet. Feeling like I could beat myself up but choosing to learn and grow better.

  123.  #123Millie on May 8, 2013 at 2:37 am

    Lisa I love your post about the Health Food Store! Your CDing sounds fun! I can’t wait to go out and smile tomorrow. 🙂

  124.  #124Tam on May 8, 2013 at 4:46 am

    Hi Ladies!
    I don’t like this post. I spent years dating the boring guys that I didn’t feel a spark with…and it never turned into anything at all…because even when I entered a relationship once or twice, yes they were treating me well but there just wasn’t a spark…and what little attraction there might have been fizzled and I just found them irritating after a while.
    Their mannerisms, often neediness (one still sends me gifts even though I dumped him).
    The other ones, the ones I click with, have been unsuitable for different reasons, mainly unavailable or let’s say they had too many options…kids in a sweets-shop…and they go after the sweets.
    I feel tired of all that, honestly.

  125.  #125New beginnings on May 8, 2013 at 4:50 am

    Hi Rori,

    I met my most recent boyfriend about 6 months ago. In the beginning he was very interested and after about 3 dates we became “exclusive” (I know inconsistent with the whole CD idea because I want to get married).

    We saw each other most days, pretty much all initiated by him. Occasionally he didn’t call that day and I would worry. There was one other concern – he would often make jokes that I was on a “contract” lasting a month. The first time he said this I got very upset as I wasn’t sure if he was serious. He kept saying this and I would say things like “that would make me sad” or “that doesn’t feel good”.

    More recently, I started to worry that he hadn’t said “I love you” or talked about the future. About 3 weeks ago, I began sharing my feelings about this. He kept putting off telling me what he thinks. At the last conversation, I told him that I was falling in love with him and didn’t want to be in a relationship if I didn’t know what the future holds or if my feelings are returned. He expressed feeling unsure, so I said that I want to go back to just dating and also to date other men. I cried while we talked, these were very scary things to say.

    That was 4 days ago and I haven’t heard anything from him since. I have actually been very strong, not like me, if a relationship breaks up, I’m normally a mess. I miss him and want him to come back, with a commitment though. I have joined a dating app website and started talking to other men. Any insights would be greatly appreciated thanks.

  126.  #126k2012 on May 8, 2013 at 5:44 am

    “Their mannerisms, often neediness (one still sends me gifts even though I dumped him.)” Tam, I am cracking up at this sentence. He is sending you gifts and you are no longer involved with him. Lol. Oh my goodness. That’s a turnoff. You know what we all have to do, observe when men are being needy and try not to mimic their behaviour. The same way their needy behaviour turns us off, its the same way our needy behaviour turn them off.

  127.  #127Zia on May 8, 2013 at 6:06 am

    I just got asked out on a date! Yippee!!!!

  128.  #128Tam on May 8, 2013 at 6:16 am

    k2012..right. I don’t think I could ever chase a man again…knowing how it feels to get hunted down by unsuitables…who sulk when I am busy. YUCK.

  129.  #129Mel on May 8, 2013 at 6:37 am


    Hmmm…. my point was not to “settle” for boring dull men that make you feel annoyed and who are needy and smothering. I was just relaying my experience that sometimes the seemingly boring ones aren’t actually so boring if you give them a chance. And that’s why CDing is so great. It keeps different types of men in your rotation long enough for you to get to know who they really are. And mostly it’s a lot of fun. 🙂

  130.  #130Femininewoman on May 8, 2013 at 7:03 am

    Mel I experienced that also. Just that the guy had an ex that wouldn’t go away so I did not want to go further. Even though he is married to someone else now we have remained friends and I have really grown to see the great man that he is. His wife and I have a good relationship so I get to see how he makes her feel cherished.

  131.  #131Tam on May 8, 2013 at 7:06 am

    Hi Mel, sorry to say I didn’t even read your comment. I was just commenting on the main post.
    I had a totally different experience, maybe also to yours. If there isn’t any ttraction in the beginning, there is only so far it goes for me…even when a little bit develops after a while of dating and being treated well, has turned out that ‘being treated well’ is not the same as falling in love for me..I have given so many good men a chance…and it was just a huge waste of my time, sadly. But hey, everybody is different 🙂

  132.  #132Mercedes on May 8, 2013 at 7:20 am

    I’m getting excited ladies! I have two preliminary design plans for the yoga/meditation studio. Still some work to do on them but MOVEMENT! YAY! We’ll have the keys mid part of next week (after the demising wall goes up) and then we can really MOVE. I’m sooooooo excited about this!! We’re still months out before opening day but…it’s getting so much better now that we can MOVE a little instead of all the waiting, waiting, waiting we’ve been doing. 🙂

    Hope everyone is having the most amazing week EVER!

    Much Love,

  133.  #133Mel on May 8, 2013 at 7:21 am


    My story is the main post. 😉

    Yes, for sure, everybody is different. I think, honestly, I felt surprised that I ended up falling for him. At first, I was really NOT interested. But I think that was because I was distracted by the chemistry of the unavailable men. I only really kept him around initially because I thought he’d be good practice. It took at least two months of him asking me out every week, sometimes more than once a week, for me to even begin to feel any “spark.” But it did come. It was sort of like a slow burning ember that got hotter and hotter the more I was open to receiving his affections.

  134.  #134Femininewoman on May 8, 2013 at 7:27 am

    “A very wonderful way to feel like and actually demonstrate that you’re a powerful woman who simply “likes” a man is to be open to other men. It will raise your self esteem. You will start to experience men all around you chasing you down, and either this man will step up, or he’ll get lost in the shuffle. He’ll get trampled by the other men beating a path to your door.”

    From Rori’s email

  135.  #135Mel on May 8, 2013 at 7:31 am

    128: That’s sweet FW. 🙂 That’s the thing too… these men often make great and caring friends, even if nothing else transpires.

  136.  #136seahorse on May 8, 2013 at 8:05 am

    Yipeeeee for Mercedes!! I can feel your excitement!!!

    So I had a dream last night and I have been working on remembering the dreams when i awake. Taken some work but it’s paying off. The dream was being on a freeway interchange. I had the feeling of rushing to get somewhere and having to make a choice of which freeway I needed. This was the daddy of all interchanges. It was one I have never been on and felt fearful of making the wrong choice. And rushing to make the right one. Cars were going so fast and I was stuck in the fast lane and couldn’t take my eyes off the road and then I was calming myself down and saying to myself….. just stay in your lane and wait till I get out of the ginormous interchange and I get back to ground level. So I followed it through and it was really high off the ground. I’m talking you couldn’t see the ground and there were clouds that I was driving through……… so when I got back to the ground and out of traffic i pulled off the raod and was going to set my navigation and I felt relief that I was taking my time???? I felt peaceful that I wasn’t on that crazy interchange. I had to go back to it but i wanted to know the highways i needed to drive first.

    I have felt under pressure since I moved out two years ago. Making so many huge decisions and praying that they are right. I want to sit and feel ………………… I don’t know. Just be, for a bit maybe? I don’t feel scared so much anymore. I made a safe spot, so maybe it’s time to just be for a bit. Relax and stop rushing…… let it all flow by for a bit. I don’t know………..hahahahahahah!!! I don’t have to! I will sit and FEEL for a bit. See where that leads

  137.  #137April Rose on May 8, 2013 at 8:06 am

    Oh gosh,

    I just had a missed call from EM, who I dated up until November last year. Remember him? The one with murder fantasies and dangerous eyes, and the best connections with wild animals – a truly interesting person in my view.

    We bumped into each other in February and he told me he hadn’t been well. He also said he was having a break from women, and that for him trying to get it together with me had been an uphill struggle.
    The last two times I’ve seen him he has driven past me and waved but not stopped to talk. That felt bad.

    I know he isn’t lifelong partner material, for me. Although I do think of him often.

    I’m wondering about the call. Should I return it?

  138.  #138Mercedes on May 8, 2013 at 8:20 am

    Thank you so much seahorse….I AM excited…and nervous…a lot nervous…I sooooo want this to be successful. I feel determined though. VERY determined. It’s like J handed me my dream on a silver platter…I’m not going to waste that.

    What you said is my twice daily goal: ” I will sit and FEEL for a bit. See where that leads” – I don’t always have or make the time but most of the time I do. Most of the time I make it a morning and evening priority. It’s nice…to just sit and feel…really nice.

    Much Love,

  139.  #139Mercedes on May 8, 2013 at 8:24 am

    April Rose: Do you want this man in your life? I mean for any reason…friend…lover…cd…whatever… If so, then I would call him back if it were me. If I was really ready to let it go and not have him as a part of my life though, I wouldn’t call. No matter how often I think about it. From my point of view, it’s all about what you want.

    Even if you don’t call him back though…if he wants YOU in his life…he’ll call again.

    Much Love,

  140.  #140Lisa on May 8, 2013 at 8:25 am

    after reading Dominique’s article last night I cried and have continued to have emotions come up.. crying this morning and journal-ling. I’m realizing being with “M” and most especially his friends… has brought up a lot of trauma around not being good enough…not being smart enough and financially well off enough… basically just not good enough…

    So, it all boils down to always being treated as “if” because I was born and raised in the south that people always have a preconceived notion or prejudice that, I’m 1) not intelligent ( which is BS since I have a high IQ) 2) backwards in my lifestyle 3) low class 4) not cultured and so non of those are true, I know that, but people still project it on to me. I’m sick of it… and I have to say to them (people sitting across from me) … “I’d rather sit at a broken down table with a southerner who is backwards and poor than to sit at a high class table with people who are pompous and snobs… any day… at least the poor southerner opens his house to anyone no matter what, is kind and generous and honest.”

    So, I have lots of emotions around being treated as if my “status” in life dictates how much a man does for me, spends on me, sees me as worthy…. when in my mind and heart, what matters to me about a Man is his heart, his ability to love deeply, his integrity, his loyalty and compassion and that he thinks I’m the best thing that ever happened to him and he would give me the world if he could…

    I’m just venting here… not about anyone just me and my emotions around not being treated as if I’m good enough…

    I want to be ‘Worth the effort” I want to be worth the world.. whether he has it to give or not… just that he would give it…

    I hope this made some sense.. I’m loving that this isn’t fear but just grief and emoting… loving myself now KNOWING I’m Good enough! Whether or not “M” knows it or not… I do deserve to be valued… and cherished and adored…

    What Rori’s says about it being very little to do with the man ( what’s going on with our emotions) might be true right now… I don’t know.. but it feels good to let it go… and take it in… it hurts when society judges you b/c of where you were born… not by your heart and your ability to love and give back to the world…

    It hurts when people make fun of you b/c you say things with a southern accent when they totally forget that people from other areas of this country have accents too… isn’t that ironic… the sad thing is I don’t have an accent anymore, but I get to listen to their prejudice anyways.. about my native people…

    tears just keep coming… it feels good to let them out….

  141.  #141Mercedes on May 8, 2013 at 8:37 am

    Lisa: True love will give you this on a two way street: “when in my mind and heart, what matters to me about a Man is his heart, his ability to love deeply, his integrity, his loyalty and compassion and that he thinks I’m the best thing that ever happened to him and he would give me the world if he could…” –

    I believe that with everything in me. It won’t matter where you were born, what you look like, how cultured or smart or anything else that might either be reality or projections.

    Believe me…J and I, as adults, were from two very, very different places. I’m positive I didn’t fit his list of criteria at all. 🙂 It didn’t matter. None of that mattered. He loves me with everything in him and I love him back the same way. No prejudices or projections.

    This true love will happen for you. I believe that.

    Much Love,

  142.  #142April Rose on May 8, 2013 at 9:27 am

    Thanks Mercedes,
    I love your clarity. It makes me feel safe.

  143.  #143Rori Raye on May 8, 2013 at 9:45 am

    butterfly – Welcome – and here’s my take. If he’s lovely, a good lover, a nice guy, and he gives you the attention that feels good (and it sounds like he does ALL these things – Queen is pretty darn good! Wanting to be with you all the time is even better!) – PLEASE let go of your need to “hear the words.” Yes – he may not be over his wife – AND he may be over her just fine! Do NOT go back to dating others, unless you don’t see him enough, or don’t get enough sex and affection with him. Do not talk about the relationship. You’re not in a space (I assume) where you want to have more kids and time is urgent. Can you enjoy this without trying to push it into something you “think” you want? Love, Rori

  144.  #144Lisa on May 8, 2013 at 10:02 am


    Thanks! I need to believe that too! “M” wasn’t the one saying these things… his friends were.

    I don’t know if it is true love with him… I knew it was in the beginning.. now I’m not so sure.

    What I do know is that, I need to heal my wounds around not feeling up to par my whole life… and attracting people who believe that also. I suppose when I believe “I’m good enough and deserving of true love” it will show up…

    thanks for writing such an amazing response… it really touched my heart.

    I need to deep down inside believe that I deserve “the world” as Rori says or I’ll just keep attracting men that want to help me believe I’m not worth the effort…

    Somehow I’m not sure how to believe it …

    and I don’t want to project it onto “M”… and I’m very sure I might have even taught him to treat me as if I’m not…

    this is hard work…

  145.  #145Mercedes on May 8, 2013 at 10:21 am

    Lisa: “Somehow I’m not sure how to believe it …

    and I don’t want to project it onto “M”… and I’m very sure I might have even taught him to treat me as if I’m not…”

    This happened to me. I’m almost positive I taught my ex-husband to give me crumbs. I taught him that was good enough for me and I taught him that was all I needed. And inside I was dying because I needed so much more. Outside I was just fine and he kept making me feel a fake “just fine” (which was nowhere near what I deserved). ugh! Talk about “it takes two”. I certainly had my part in the “less than” treatment I received.

    I don’t know how to get you to believe it. I do know that nobody else can do that for you because that true love you want (and deserve) so much comes in the form of your heart. Where your heart is can attract the like (maybe not always but certainly much of the time).

    For me, it was a combination of “fake it til you make it” and a strong devotion to my meditation, yoga and visualization practice. That truly did wonders for me…as in amazing results. I became SO clear on what I didn’t want (even more so than what I DID want). The “I don’t want this in my life ever again” started growing in my heart which allowed my boundaries to strengthen and my resolve to have everything I want grow.

    For you, it might be something else. But I believe, deep within you, you KNOW you deserve all you desire. You know you deserve it because you KNOW you have room to grow this and you KNOW you WANT to believe it. If it wasn’t a part of your subconscious in some way, you wouldn’t be here talking about it. I think you would be here making excuses for why you aren’t good enough instead. But you’re not. You’re making excuses for why you DO deserve it. Which is a really, really good sign. 🙂

    No…you KNOW you are good enough and you KNOW you are deserving of it all. What you don’t yet know how to do is silence the nasty voices that tell you otherwise.

    That’s my take on it anyway. (((((Lisa)))))

    ((((((April Rose)))))) You have my hugs today too. Relax and call him or don’t. It’ll all work out for the best regardless. I’m sure of that.

    Much Love,

  146.  #146Femininewoman on May 8, 2013 at 11:11 am

    Inspirational Quote of the Day (Wed, 08 May 2013)

    Everything you want should be yours: the type of work you want; the relationships you need; the social, mental, and aesthetic stimulation that will make you happy and fulfilled; the money you require for the lifestyle that is appropriate to you; and any requirement that you may (or may not) have for achievement or service to others. If you don’t aim for it all, you’ll never get it all. To aim for it requires that you know what you want.

    Richard Koch

  147.  #147Rori Raye on May 8, 2013 at 11:38 am

    New Beginnings – you ROCK!!! He’s absolutely not gone. Just give him time – and give these other men a chance! That said…there are ways to bring a man into commitment, slowly and incrementally – if he’s into it, just uncomfortable thinking about it. It’s also a way to put a timeline on things without giving an ultimatum. I’m going to discuss that thoroughly in my next Love Forever teleclass. That said – I think you did FANTASTIC!!!!! I think 6 months is plenty enough time to see where a man’s head is at. And you know how I feel about exclusivity…. Love, Rori

  148.  #148Tereana on May 8, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    Emerson – 116: thanks! I appreciate hearing that. And it’s true – ‘playas’ can come in every color.

    So can caring, family-oriented men as well, for that matter.

    Perhaps it is just some insecurity that is telling me that it can work out for them, but not for me. But if it could work for them (and for my high school friend), it could work for me, too, right? If all these men are attracted to me, then they must be seeing something….

  149.  #149BeLoved on May 8, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    I’m feeling angryangryangryangryangryangryangryangry
    this is soooo goooood!

    I found an old post I had written several years ago, when I worked at a gym, was in the best shape of my life, and wanted to inspire other women on the same journey.

    I wrote about how I read a book on people who had lost weight for life, how after many years they all were STILL counting calories and logging their exercise and doing all of the things they did in the beginning.
    It’s a pain in the a$$, but that’s what it takes.
    I got lazy and lost myself somewhere, I wanted it to be easy and natural but what comes natural for me is fat and lazy.
    It’s not fair that I have to work harder than say, my sisters who are naturally size 2’s and eat 3X what I eat and never exercise, but I think I just need to accept that’s the way it is for me.

    It’s good to feel this anger coming up,
    angry that I let myself go
    angry that I gave myself away to selfish men
    angry that I have been so content to be so lazy
    angry that I have so little to do at my job
    angry that I work with C who feels so bad to be around
    angry angry
    I want to run, I remember how good it feels to be able to to that, how good it feels to be strong and lean and feel good about my body, to wear the clothes I like to wear.
    My body feels ponderous.
    I want to feel good in my body

    I feel angry about this job where I never know what is going on,
    actually, I feel furious about this job
    There is no place to shine, no reward for a job well-done. Any attempt to do something well gets pushback. Don’t get it done too quickly, don’t get it done right, and especially don’t do something the way I’m told because they will change everything and tell me to do it completely differently all over again, 2 weeks after they made the decision but I don’t actually get told they changed what they wanted until AFTER I’ve done everything asked of me.
    I feel furious.
    I understand this happens sometimes in life, but I’m pretty sure, based on what I’ve seen in how they treat the other co-workers, that it’s deliberate pettiness, deliberate power trips
    for what?
    for nothing
    f*ck this

    I want to feel proud of myself and the work I do.
    I want to further my education.
    Oh, it’s so good to tap into this energy.
    It’s been blocked for a while…
    let it flow
    feels so good
    angry tapping foot
    angry angry

    I feel like fighting for myself.
    (Cheers and whistles and claps for self)

    I don’t want to lose this, I don’t want to slip back into apathetic oblivion.

  150.  #150Shar Lean Way Back on May 8, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    Good processing Beloved 🙂

  151.  #151Dominique on May 8, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    Lisa – I have several articles about feeling good enough if this interests you. This was a difficult one for me too. If you want me to point you in the right direction, let me know. They would all be found in the healing category of my archived articles.

    One thing to consider is that if M has friends who truly feel this way then I would question him as someone for you. If it was me, if it was K, these kinds of people would not be in our lives, and neither one of us would allow someone to disrespect our partner. This is a passing thought and may have no validity, yet it crossed my mind, so….


  152.  #152Tereana on May 8, 2013 at 2:12 pm

    Starbright 114 – that is a very interesting observation! It’s entirely possible that they play the role of the “unavailable man” for me. Perhaps it is me who considers them a little off-limits. I feel sometimes bad or guilty – like in a mischievous, naughty way, not like a deep guilt – for dating them, since I’m Jewish, and I have the sense that I “should” be dating Jewish guys. But Jewish men seem unavailable to me, too. So I guess maybe it’s not then believing they can’t marry me, but the other way around. Hm… And I have a hang-up with Jewish guys, too. I kind of “want” to date a Jewish guy, but I often don’t feel “qualified.” It’s hard to explain…

  153.  #153Tereana on May 8, 2013 at 2:17 pm

    And also, since I did already get engaged to a Jewish guy and nearly did that already – and that’s what led to me to embrace Judaism – I don’t necessarily feel bound to the cultural pressure to “marry Jewish.” But I do feel the pressure…and some of the guilt if I don’t. But I also believe that G-d has strange ideas that don’t always make sense to us and that this could all be part of the plan. That marrying an Indian man was never something I intended. But that I may in fact be perfectly “qualified” for that “job.” And I feel that. So – like I said – I’m just going with it… And we’ll see what happens! 🙂

  154.  #154Tereana on May 8, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    Turquoise 99 – also, what about yourself? You said you don’t respond to Indian men when they contact you. But why not? The first time I did it, I wasn’t sure what it would be like, but I had a lot of fun. I opened myself to something new, and I found I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it. (They are not all “rapists” – that was one guy, and some people here might remember that when I met him I first noticed that he didn’t have a good “smell.” The nose knows…). Most of them are good men who want to please their woman – like any other man. Why limit yourself to “white” men? If that’s all you’ve dated, how do you know what you prefer? Those are just some questions that come up for me. Are you afraid? What do you feel about it?

  155.  #155Liquid Light on May 8, 2013 at 2:38 pm


    I think there are cultural differences. I’ve dated men from other cultures, in particular Indian and Hispanic men, and there are differences. I found these men, not all but more so than white men, to be more into the stereotypical male/female gender roles where the man is more macho and dominant and the woman more submissive. When this is taken to the extreme, they feel entitled to sex and can see white women as “easy”. I hope I’m not pounced on here for saying this but this has been my experience with some non-Caucasian males. On the other hand, a relationship I was in recently ended with a Caucasian male who felt entitled, and was demanding and controlling so you never know! 😉

  156.  #156Steffany on May 8, 2013 at 3:59 pm


    I’m feeling guilty. I’m living with a man who suffers a lot with stress, depression, and anxiety. Recently he has been opening up and talking about his feelings, which he says frighten him.
    I listen without speaking, and he always says he feels eased by talking to me.
    I’m harbouring secret fantasies about leaving him, but I don’t think I would do that because I am attached and love him a lot.
    I thought he was growing stronger and stepping up, and then he had a phase of panic attacks. I feel helpless when he has them.

    I’m torn between sticking it out and hoping he will heal (through my heart?), or moving on to discover other, more compatible men.

  157.  #157Tam on May 8, 2013 at 4:07 pm

    133..sorry Mel, duh
    Yes, I get all that, I read it too and heard it yet I have dated…uhmmm..I don’t know how many men over months and months also as practice. Just never happened for me. I never had the spark appear out of nowhere…unless there was something already there, could be small. Hence I am now wary of wasting my time on men that I feel neutral about…I guess I just have better things to do and relationship isn’t all that important…
    I don’t think that it is attraction for unavailable men, yes it happened to me once with MrP but that has been the notable exception in my life. Both of my 5 year relationships had a little spark right from the start..and with one it took 6 months before we got together, but we ‘clicked’ right from the get-go.
    Both were healthy, nice, sweet men..I was just not ready to settle down.
    I am happy it worked for you and I am sure this probably works for lots of people, yet when I ask many married couples (because I am interested), whether they felt their attraction instantaneous or whether it was something that grew…I have yet to find one that said ‘meh, I was just dating him/her for an experiment, and yeah, it turned out great’.
    Everyone I ask says more or less ‘instant grew..’ kind of thing.
    I guess it’s all good when it works whatever way it works. For me, I can start to almost make myself ‘like’ a man, feel a bit of attraction, have him ‘grow’ on me..but it never seems to last. I don’t know why. Ugh. G*d knows I tried. haha.

  158.  #158Tam on May 8, 2013 at 4:11 pm

    Having said that I hardly ever feel instant attraction based on looks/chemistry. To me it very much comes from intellect and what the person has to say about is a mixture of the whole picture.
    I find intelligence a real turn on. And outdoorsiness…so maybe I am weird in that respect.

  159.  #159Turquoise on May 8, 2013 at 4:35 pm

    Tereana, looks wise, I greatly prefer men with light eyes. I have dark brown, my whole family does… But men with light eyes are very attractive to me. I have dated men with brown eyes, but light completed. Other than looks… I’ve only dated Christian men. It’s what I am comfortable with, and I’m raising my girls as Christians… I don’t know that I’d want to introduce them to a different faith. But, maybe part of it is fear… I’ve seen enough movies about Indian men who control their wives and steal their children and go back to India to make me very nervous. Where I was raised, western Pennsylvania, it wasn’t proper to date outside your nationality or faith. My cousin married a Jewish man… That was kind of scandalous to my family. So, I guess it’s all those reasons. None of them good, I’m aware.

  160.  #160Luzydel on May 8, 2013 at 4:38 pm

    I talked to CaptainCD; I believe he is genuinely busy and it is not that he hates me or anything; I told him I will start meeting other people and he said “I understand, do not hold back, meet other people if you need to; you deserve it!” so we agree to meet sometime whenever he is not busy and that I will not ask for anything he cannot give. he works for two straight weeks all day and then one week off; that is his job.

    I feel better now, It kinda feels lighter in my chest and I am just moving forward.

  161.  #161Syreena on May 8, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    157: Tam.

    “Having said that I hardly ever feel instant attraction based on looks/chemistry. To me it very much comes from intellect and what the person has to say about is a mixture of the whole picture.
    I find intelligence a real turn on. And outdoorsiness…so maybe I am weird in that respect.”

    I so get that me too.
    I remember Rori saying though that if we do this we just end up with friendship.
    And that heart intelligence is the way to go, not mind intelligence or physical.

    For me I personally want it all now, mind heart and physical sigh! The whole package.

  162.  #162Tam on May 8, 2013 at 5:42 pm

    Syreena, I believe it’s all got to be bundled up together. I sure know some very intelligent men that do nothing for me…it has to be the package of a caring, intelligent man that I can respect..not needy, confident and happy disposition.
    It sounds simple, but finding that isn’t. And then there HAS to be a spark….and that eludes me for years on end.

  163.  #163Tam on May 8, 2013 at 5:43 pm

    I meant not needy and instead…confident and happy.

  164.  #164BeLoved on May 8, 2013 at 6:28 pm

    Off and on this evening I’ve felt so angry at C I literally wanted to spit on him.
    Pist pist PIST off.
    What feels interesting, is that saying the dialogue running through my mind stops me short – it starts out, “I feel so pist at you I could just spit. You did me so dirty and so wrong and you never even felt bad about it or said you were sorry to me or acknowledged that you caused me any pain…”

    then I remember…
    We had stopped, and hadn’t even really talked, for 3 months.
    *I* am the one who instigated things again, last year, I feel sick thinking about how screwed up my thinking was about it.

    I’m thinking, it might be good to do this in the mirror, maybe I need to tell myself I’m sorry.

  165.  #165Olivia on May 8, 2013 at 6:29 pm

    Seahorse – you sound like an awesome Mom. Hugs!

  166.  #166Liquid Light on May 8, 2013 at 6:45 pm


    I think its is awesome that you are from the south. I love southerners, they are gracious, friendly, welcoming and unpretentious. I love a southern accent too! Well, I’m a bit biased since I am from the south too (MD, if that counts.)

    Anyway, its a huge plus not a negative! So revel in it, girl! Gosh, I wish I was there right now with you! We seem to have so much in common, its great! 🙂 🙂 🙂

  167.  #167Luzydel on May 8, 2013 at 8:36 pm

    “I am a siren, and for my adoration of mankind, have been caught in fishing nets one time too many. And in those fishing nets I have learned too many unfavorable things about human intentions and the lack of trust and goodwill; I’m not going to allow myself to be caught, anymore. Sirens do well at singing the sirens’ song and dragging vile people to their deaths, and for good reason!”

    ― Joy Bell C.

  168.  #168Liquid Light on May 8, 2013 at 8:39 pm

    @ April Rose 137 Uck…That guy sounds creepy!

  169.  #169Rori Raye on May 8, 2013 at 10:10 pm

    Steffany – My heart goes out to you, and I know you’re a wonderful, compassionate woman – and, my take is that friendship is not the same as romantic love. I do not believe that anyone else is our responsibility – and yet, friendship has requirements. In a situation like this, where a man is so fragile, it’s hard to know if what your feeling is really what you’re feeling, or if it’s coming from the shared space of feelings. I do not see the point of marrying someone who you foresee taking care of for the rest of your life. Once married, that becomes a choice we’ve made, and it’s more difficult to feel your own way then. I assume he’s in therapy and taking medication or working with a nutritionist and alternative healer. If this is not happening – even for a friendship to continue, I would insist on that. Take your time feeling your way through this. Love, Rori

  170.  #170Zia on May 8, 2013 at 10:31 pm

    Was feeling a bit down today, feeling a bit unattractive and it started making me anxious about the date on sat night. The guy is 4 years younger than I am so suddenly I started worrying whether I wasn’t up to scratch.

    Well I prettied myself up for my appointment with the match making place I won a membership with, and that certainly boosted my confidence. He’d be LUCKY to go on a date with me! 🙂

    Feeling pretty 😉

  171.  #171Zia on May 9, 2013 at 2:05 am

    OH and i went in to sign up for that matchmaking membership I won, and the girl already had someone in mind for me. So I have another date set up for Sunday morning! How exciting!

  172.  #172Millie on May 9, 2013 at 2:26 am

    I got into an argument with my brother today, through texting, which I hate, but it happened. I used feeling messages, but I felt like they disconnected him from me even more. I feel really angry and frustrated at the whole thing. He and I get along really well for the most part, but arguments with him are so frustrating, I feel like our relationship doesn’t deepen as family and I want to be close to my family.

    Any advice on this?–He is three years younger than me and we both still live at home. I am graduating college this Saturday and told him weeks in advance when it was and that I wanted him and my parents to be there. The frustrating part comes with the fact that he doesn’t remember dates. He needed to get the day off work, but clearly did not make any attempt to in advance. I feel like he doesn’t care sometimes. When I’ve mentioned this to him–he returns with how I make him feel. He says I criticize and judge him. That I “hate” on him and talk down to him. I don’t think I do that AT ALL. In fact, I support him a lot.

    Last weekend my school had our final show. A whole bunch of my family bought tickets to come. I left the house late and noticed he was still laying in bed, still planning to shower and pick up his gf, and the venue was at least an hours drive in traffic. I told my cousin that I didn’t think my brother was going to make it as I barely made it. She repeated this comment to him and now he is accusing me of “talking shit.” He and some of my other family showed up halfway during the show. I joked that our family has poor time management skills, yet based on whatever my cousin said he is accusing me of singling him out. I told him I only spoke the truth and that I was just glad everyone made effort to come. He continues to accuse me of criticizing and judging him. Yes, I’m disappointed he could have been on time, but chose not to be, yes i’m annoyed he didn’t remember my graduation date and did not arrange to get it off. It feels like he just doesn’t care. I don’t think that is being critical or judgmental, that is just how I feel.

    During the argument I let him know that I actually felt like he was “hating” (as he says) on me and that I did nothing wrong. He agreed I did nothing wrong and tried to pass the accusation off as “playful” I told him that my graduation is important to me and that I don’t like/appreciate being called names, that I felt annoyed and frustrated. He responded with “okay?” I felt him shutting down so I did not continue it further, but I’m still really mad.

    He hasn’t spoken to me since I’ve been home and I didn’t approach him either. I’m not sure how to go from here in a constructive way. I am naturally direct and have a stronger sense of initiative than he does and would prefer to address the argument rather than let it go. I feel more masculine in that sense. Plus I’m still livid with angry at his accusations and the fact that he won’t be a part of my family on my graduation day. I feel like that is such an important life moment, I couldn’t have made it through these four years without the support of my family. It’s not just an isolated moment for me, but for all of us.
    Any ladies have some brother advice for me?

  173.  #173New beginnings on May 9, 2013 at 2:53 am

    Thanks Rori, it feels really great to hear your insights 🙂

  174.  #174Indigo on May 9, 2013 at 4:26 am

    Millie 172

    Yes. Although I don’t have specific brother advice, I have had similar situations and communication/respect issues in my family, and in other relationships. And my experience is that it always starts out messy in the beginning when you begin to talk to them this way.

    They don’t like it, as they have been used to interacting with you a certain way and according to a certain “code” for a long time, and so they initially push against it, and try to get things to revert to the old way (where you would turn a blind eye, or capitulate, or keep quiet about your feelings or whatever). (Excuse me if perhaps none of this applies to you…)

    My advice is, persevere. Keep speaking your feelings, gently, respectfully, vulnerably yet unapologetically, and don’t be intimidated into not doing so, even if the reaction is not always positive. That said, the other side is that you also have to really listen when the other person expresses their feelings.

    From what you’ve said here, it sounds like you handled this situation just fine.

  175.  #175ruth on May 9, 2013 at 5:01 am


    thats absolutely true about families expecting you to saty in a certain role

  176.  #176BeLoved on May 9, 2013 at 5:09 am


    Indigo thank you this is so what I needed to hear right now!!!

    “They don’t like it, as they have been used to interacting with you a certain way and according to a certain “code” for a long time, and so they initially push against it, and try to get things to revert to the old way (where you would turn a blind eye, or capitulate, or keep quiet about your feelings or whatever).”

    I feel frustrated with T…
    3 weeks ago he’s on the same page of wanting to be married, helping me move, all that and then it’s been practically crickets since then.
    1 phone call, 1 Skype, a couple of text messages.
    I felt horrible when I responded to a text yesterday – he was talking about singularity theory and I got all excited (love this subject!) and responded and then…crickets again.

    It is taking everything I have not to cave and fall back into my old pattern of giving in and calling him and initiating.

    I don’t think he is pushing against me, but I do think he is used to interacting with me a certain way. I feel like I’m in that stage with him that Rori describes, where I need to literally do NOTHING, so the energy gets balanced again.

    Or, it won’t.
    His utter lack of following up on the help he offered is leaving me feeling turned off.
    He’s very very into coding right now, that seems to be his priority, so I’m focusing on staying in TX and making the best of my life I can right now.

    I feel very unhappy and dissatisfied with my life overall right now, although I don’t feel like an unhappy person 🙂
    Keep the focus on meeeee….

  177.  #177Femininewoman on May 9, 2013 at 6:43 am

    Welcome New Beginnings

  178.  #178Mel on May 9, 2013 at 6:51 am

    Hey Tam!

    I totally hear you. Having mutual attraction is important. The thing is, under different circumstances, I probably would have felt something for the man a lot earlier… but I was distracted by a yummy player-type that I was admittedly a little fixated on.

    And I think at the time I needed those few sparkly fun “player-types.” It really boosted my self confidence to be pursued by them, even for a short while. I needed fun and adventure and a little adrenalin in my life at the time. I needed several months of “just fun” healing dating because I wasn’t ready for any real relationship yet. I needed time before I was READY for my man. Luckily, he knew what he wanted when he met me and was willing to wait patiently for me to come around. 😉

  179.  #179Steffany on May 9, 2013 at 9:12 am

    How is romantic love different from friendship? And do you need passion to be included? What is a passionate partnership?

    WM wants me to be passionate about the work we do together. I want to feel that he is passionate about *me* and *us*.
    Is that how men work? They’re more into what we ‘do’, than what we ‘are’?
    I would like to experience some simple passionate romance for its own sake, with no agenda.

  180.  #180Steffany on May 9, 2013 at 9:17 am

    WMan is my husband of two years. Things have got less and less passionate. I’m quite fussy and keep correcting his behaviour, when annoys me (often).
    It’s like he forgets the things I like and need. Maybe on purpose? Who knows.
    His depression makes me feel sad and low.

  181.  #181Shar Lean Way Back on May 9, 2013 at 9:46 am

    Steffany, I don’t think Rori understood that you were married to this man. Your original post made it sound like you were living together. I wonder if her advice would have been different?

  182.  #182Shar Lean Way Back on May 9, 2013 at 9:49 am

    Steffany, was he like this when you married him? Is he taking medication? Those types of meds can sometimes inhibit libido.

  183.  #183Shar Lean Way Back on May 9, 2013 at 9:54 am

    Steffany, Are you familiar with Rori’s work? Feeling messages, feminine and masculine energy? It may not help in your situation with a man that has these types issues however, “correcting his behavior” would definantely go against what she teaches. If not please start by getting her ebook. It is very inexpensive.

  184.  #184Steffany on May 9, 2013 at 10:15 am

    Thank you Shar Lean,

    I have Rori’s book and Reconnect program, and I understand not to complain when he does things I don’t like.
    It’s just that I feel so much resentment coming towards me from him. He has it towards his mother also. She adores him.
    I want to feel like a queen, like I did before we were married.
    Yes, he has had help with his depression, but the doctors discharged him about six months ago.

  185.  #185Shar Lean Way Back on May 9, 2013 at 10:38 am

    Oh (( Steffany )), resentment can kill a relationship and it’s one of the worse feelings coming in or going out. I know you love him and how hard this must be for you. I don’t know how old you are but if you are young, and you see him never getting better or to a good place consistantly, It would be hard to stay happy and feeling good yourself with so much bad energy there.
    I’ve heard depression described as anger turned into yourself.

  186.  #186CurvySiren10 on May 9, 2013 at 11:02 am

    Yes, resentment is THE relationship killer Shar Lean Way Back… my partner and I have felt the effects of what cleaning it up feels like. It’s amazing… (our site link is attached to my username on here)

  187.  #187butterfly on May 9, 2013 at 11:28 am

    Thank you, Rori, for your response to my question. I will just try to chill out and enjoy what we have because it is amazing, i get a lot of enjoyment out of it and I don’t want to ruin things. Thank you also for your blog and emails, they have helped clarify things in my love life and helped enormously!! 🙂

  188.  #188Indigo on May 9, 2013 at 11:30 am

    Ruth & Beloved

    I feel glad this resonated with you.

    This has truly been my experience – sometimes the resisting the “new you” can last a while, until they adjust to a new way of interacting with you. And they do adjust.

  189.  #189dolcebambina on May 9, 2013 at 11:35 am

    Hi to all the lovely sirens here! I have been off the blog now for about a year and a half. Still using the materials (3 years in) still checking in from time to time and catching up on newsletters. I have the complete collection. I have been having the time of my life circular dating. Dating, dating, dating. Starting a new business, transitioning from my previous and somewhat still current one. My issue is most often that men want to get exclusive with me that I don’t want to get exclusive with, as well as a select couple that I have enjoyed getting exclusive with and they all want it fast and I mean FAST. While that would appear to be the obvious positive, the part of me that inspires that, comes from the same place that it is my difficulty. I am an Aquarius and I am the epitomy of of emotional and relational aloofness and disconnect, which is very alluring and attractive in the dating process. Men are charmed, they need to chase and I keep them on their toes, because I am social and fun, but can get very intense, sincere and compassionate, but don’t get too caught up or stay there to long. I can’t stand pettiness and when I sense it, I quickly want to distance myself and go into something less heavy. Men say very sincerely, that they feel so comfortable with me all the time and often. :))) Yay! I am intelligent and enjoy witty convo. however, since I live so much in my own head and ideas, I don’t wish to debate for long and talk things to the death. I just want to move on already to something else and better!! I love sex and I’m extremely sensual, but can also disconnect fairly quickly and see the sex as a vehicle for closeness, excitement and pleasure for moments (see how I just described that, in a nutshell? 😉 It’s all great in the begining and I have so many wonderful adventures with all kinds of men, that I am fortunate enough to meet organically and they are drawn initially to all of that and more that I am not mentioning. The flip side of all of that, is that The ones that I would like to last don’t and even though I am using the materials I have learned over the last 3 years, I am who I am……so feeling messages farther in it with a man, difficult, difficult, difficult for me! where, what once begins as fun and terrific, because they could just see my emotions, feel my emotions, intuit them easilly when things were light and easy, becomes challenging for the both of us as things get deep and complicated for various reasons. I don’t like mess, I like efficiency. I have to much to do in life to get stuck in the crap, logically not a good perspective, because relationships get tricky and messy…I KNOW! Rori speaks of our being trained, to shut down and such, to disconnect, or not share for the feeling fearful of doing so , etc. what If for me that’s not it? what if it is so deeply a part of my being, that it will always be work for me and will never feel natural. What if I need a man to start with me, to bring the feeling stuff and connection and draw it from within me? To help me to connect. I am not Aspergers (in case anyone would wonder) Lol! I excel where I apply myself with determination, but really????? Where I can be intelligent and intellectual, I am relationally not intuitive and aloof no matter how in the moment I am, by the definition of my sign, the only sign that mentions that kind of disconnect and aloofness and as much as I don’t want to own it is undeniably a large part of who I am. My relationships don’t last, largely for what I have shared about myself. I do choose according to a fair amount of chemistry, because that is a large part of my staying drawn and makes me crave time with them, or I become quite content in my distances from them and focus on my life and the many creative things to accomplish within. I have a heart, I want commitment, but it is sooooooo much work and requires so much of me, even in just the basics. Am I destined to be a lover of the world of men in the moments? I DON’T want to dye alone. The family dream has now changed, it would be a very revised version at this point, which is ok I guess…always been a rebel/non-conformist, although at times I do mourn it! 43 now and don’t even really know what I want anymore. I just know I want something that can last WITH someone that can hold my interest. I am feeling tired! I’m feeling confused. I feel like SIREN. I LOOK and almost always feel like a siren and all sexy woman!!! I feel like a complicated woman for others to understand, even my friends and family! I feel like much of what I understand about parts of me and have shared here are like, well, dare I say it?!….masculine. 🙁 I feel like a walking contradiction, which makes me feel super sad today!! I feel frustrated today! I want to scream and then just forget it and become involved in something awesome!!!

    Thanks lovely ladies, for a safe place to let this all go and feel heard!!

  190.  #190Shar Lean Way Back on May 9, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    Hi Curvey, I checked out your site and I like it 🙂

  191.  #191Francesca on May 9, 2013 at 12:41 pm

    I am trying to do no contact with D. After a few days I became afraid he would just drop by or pretend to just be friends for awhile and then try to sleep with me as has been his recent pattern. He has flat out told me that despite me telling him I don’t want to sleep with him while he is seeing other women that he will keep trying because I am “hot” *ugh.
    So I decided to clearly tell him, no more. I wrote about a few lines saying I didn’t want such a tumultuous and complicated relationship in my life. We are attracted to one another, so this cycle of ups and downs will continue if see see one another. I do not want to be friends or friends with benefits. So I’ve decided the relationship should end and it is too painful for me to see or speak to him anymore.
    He responded, “That’s cool.”
    At first that hurt and I knew he was trying to hurt me either by mocking me because he doesn’t believe me or showing me he doesn’t care. I let my desire to respond with a flood of emotion ebb, then when calm I wrote back : Thanks. Take care.
    Because I really hope it is cool with him and that he leaves me alone. He is very charming, seductive, and manipulative, so I at least wanted to be clear in my own head about what my decision is and feel clear that I had told him.
    Should I just have said nothing and kept up no communication? I wonder if my desire to tell him was still paying too much attention to him and giving my power to him. In the moment it is so hard to figure out what to do.

  192.  #192CurvySiren10 on May 9, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    Thank you Shar Lean Way Back!! It’s in embryonic stages. lots more coming in the next days/weeks including our book! So exciting… thanks for checking. Hope you’ll be back when it’s all launched 🙂 I believe in this stuff very deeply because I’ve lived it!! 🙂

  193.  #193Dancing Siren on May 9, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    Hmm, I am sure I posted earlier…

    Maybe I posted in another thread by accident…

    Or maybe I went into moderation?

  194.  #194Turquoise on May 9, 2013 at 1:14 pm

    Dancing Siren, you are on the new post. 🙂 I responded. Good to see you here!

  195.  #195Turquoise on May 9, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    Curvy Siren, the website looks great! I signed up for the newsletter too. Congratulations! 🙂

  196.  #196CurvySiren10 on May 9, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    Thank you so much Turquoise!! It’s very exciting! I think about you often and wonder how you are healing/coping after losing your mom. You’ve sounded good! Update when you can!!

  197.  #197dolcebambina on May 9, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    If I look at sharing how I feel and expressing my feelings as a means to little rewards, then I want to do it for little stretches, but I often don’t feel that I want to. Bold confrontation feels yucky, especially if it doesn’t end quickly, or blame is involved and it get’s drawn out!

    I daydream of an invention, an implanted device, such as a pacemaker for the heart to not miss a beat, that sends signals to my emotional receptors, signaling that I should actually share what I’m feeling in given moments. Unless it’s something monumental, or extremely stimulating what is there to share? When men share too much of their feelings it bores me quickly. it’s like, ‘ok, cool, done now?”

    I want commitment but with freedom. I want commitment without possession and that line, I feel get’s crossed quickly and easily!! I want someone I can depend on that I don’t have to depend on, without them feeling jealous, or that I don’t want them or NEED them. I want them to enhance my life, NOT BE my life, or to feel offended if I am not showing that I like, love, want them! I want sex to just be fun sex sometimes and not have it have to mean something so important ALL the time.

    Am I the only one that feels this way? I wish my girlfriends could relate!

    ahhhhhh…. hmmmmmm….

  198.  #198Rori Raye on May 9, 2013 at 2:43 pm

    dolce – you sound amazing! You’re talking about Circular Dating, and having the life you want – whatever that looks like. Feeling Messages aren’t about “the relationship” – it’s about relating to the entire world of experience in a feeling way. Love, Rori

  199.  #199Millie on May 9, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    Hi Francesca,
    Truthfully, you seem very concerned about what He is doing, what he might do, and what he thinks about you. Do you think your desire to make this declaration may come from the anxiety that if he does come back you might not be able to say No?? I’m not sure if that is true for you, but it was true for me at a certain time in my life. His response of “that’s cool” sounds a lot like the man in my past similar situation. I think it shows that whether he cares or not, he is not going to show it. He can take you or leave you. It’s a hurtful thing to hear and to feel. I empathize with your pain. I would say to not dwell on whether what you did was “right” or “wrong,” but notice how you are feeling. Regardless of his response, how did sending him that message make you feel? He will have the power as long as he is monopolizing your thoughts. Your power comes from moving forward, past him, and believing in yourself, making your happiness first priority. 🙂

  200.  #200Millie on May 9, 2013 at 5:13 pm

    Indigo 174
    Thank you–What you said about family knowing your triggers and interacting with you in a certain way rings true! It kind of makes the path of an argument a learned behavior. When I reacted differently than he expected, in turn he did not know how to react. Interesting…I am definitely going to keep up with the feeling messages and see what happens!

  201.  #201Francesca on May 9, 2013 at 5:20 pm

    I am definitely afraid he will come back and I will be too nice to say no to friendly overtures and then will be stuck in a position of fending off advances and/or hearing something hurtful that he “innocently” mentions
    I am feeling terribly hurt by him and want nothing to do with him. Sending the message made me feel bad…like why should I have to tell him this when I don’t want to talk to him anymore, but I was afraid of my own weakness if I didn’t make a declaration.

  202.  #202Millie on May 9, 2013 at 9:28 pm

    I totally understand how you feel…

    In my case, I ended up reaching out to him even after I sent declarations like that! Looking back I can’t believe I did that! I was so lost within myself.
    Stay strong, you can get past this, it just takes working on you and your inner strength. Sometimes when I get the urge or curiosity to text a man when I probably shouldn’t, I write what I want to say and send it to myself, or say it out loud to myself. Afterwards I feel better, like I was able to get my feelings out, but not risk hurting myself even more by reaching out to anyone. Maybe sending that message to yourself, assuring yourself that you have the strength to say no and that he is not what you want will help.

  203.  #203Francesca on May 9, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    @ Millie
    Thank you…. in my case too, we have ended it and I have contacted him again, which may be why his response was what it was. He doesn’t believe me. I can actually see him rolling his eyes at me now. I was considering texting him something tonight…it always seems rational at the time. A memory. Or a well wish for the future.
    Your idea is great!! I will do that. It will help me get the time, space, and perspective that I need.
    Already, Rori’s book has helped me to stand strong and remain independent. I haven’t been able to disengage completely, but I have been able to keep perspective and my independent happiness because of her. He used to be able to devastate me, now he just confuses and hurts me and I have the tools to instantly identify and honor my feelings and move into a better space.
    Hopefully soon I’ll have it all figured out, so none of the unnecessary nonsense occurs. Thanks so much for your kindness and support:).

  204.  #204Millie on May 9, 2013 at 10:25 pm

    Francesca it is amazing how similar our situations are/were. He used to devastate me as well, to the point of me not being able to get out of bed or driving aimlessly chain smoking cigarettes, going nowhere. Totally unhealthy behaviors. I feel so much better and stronger now. Rori’s book is AMAZING! I love the person I am becoming as a result of her teaching, as well as from the information and experiences I read about on the blog and newsletters.
    I’m glad my past can help your present 🙂

  205.  #205Tereana on May 9, 2013 at 10:53 pm

    Turquoise – interesting. At least you’re honest!

    Liquid light – what you said made me realize that perhaps that is why dating Indian men has been such good practice for me. They really do like to take on particularly “male” roles in relationship. And in the extreme, thus can be not so great (like with the stinky controlling guy). But for me, practicing Rori’s tools, I believe they’ve been giving me a realize counterpoint for me to practice my “feminine” on. And they really don’t respond to “masculine” acting women. But that DOESN’T mean that they want a woman who will let herself get walked on. Just the opposite : they want s strong, feminine woman who isn’t afraid to be herself AND let’s her man be HIMself. See what I’m saying?

    It’s not that they are “unavailable” to me. They are available all the time. They want to be available. But they aren’t when I’m not truly in my femininity. Hm…

    And I was right! Not that I need to be right, but I feel vindicated that after not hearing from my/the guy for a day, he finally came back to me with seven texts in a row. Lol. He had all kinds of plans and even wanted to meet me earlier. He said he really wants to see me. I feel nervous, but also like I want to push the boundaries of my comfort zone and go anyway. We’ll see what happens!!

    (Oh yeah. And he’s Indian. Of course ; ) :-p lol

  206.  #206Luzydel on May 10, 2013 at 7:57 pm

    Im kinda not feeling online dating at this time… I feel empty and fake, so I closed my profiles and will date myself for a while; unless I meet someone in a more organic way etc.

    Summer usually turn to date myself season for some unknown reason. I just want love, not a ring, or a piece of paper or any of those things… I just want to share love…

    Back to me time!…

  207.  #207Katarina Phang on May 11, 2013 at 12:04 am

    Love Rori’s response #88 to Lioness. It resonates with me. I just wrote a blog entry on how a woman should NEVER initiate the talk because it feels icky and it disrupts the “chase” (click on my name to read it).

    You lose your power once you walk ahead of him and arrive first. You can’t be “caught” and lead at the same time.

    Lioness, don’t get fixated on a man based on fantasy and wishful thinking. The more you think, fantasize, wonder about him, the more you are invested in him.

    You should play “hard to get” by naturally increasing your degree of difficulty.

  208.  #208Andrea on May 12, 2013 at 6:42 pm

    Yes! I used to think that I was just being friendly, just being “outgoing”, just letting him know that I was interested… every time I went out and saw someone that I was interested in. Then I kept wondering either “How come I’m the one doing ALL the work in this relationship?” or.. “Why doesn’t he call me after I gave him all the signals that I would date him if he asked?”
    Now I realize that I was chasing, chasing, chasing. And desperate and easy and insecure and needing to always make the first move because I was so sure that he (who ever the “HE” was) would never do it.
    So… I’m learning. AND… we can turn it around with a specific man even if in the past we’ve always messed up.
    There is a man in our college town that I’ve always been attracted to. Every time I see him, even when I was in a year long relationship with someone else, my tummy did belly flops. This man is a few years younger than me, fit, extremely handsome, energetic, smart, and professional. He is one of those… dream guys. The kind of guy that I figured I would never attract for a real relationship, but I could chase him and fantasize about him.
    Okay, skip to me now. I’m learning so much from Rori’s e-book and these blogs and posts. I’m doing so well with the man I was in a toxic relationship with. And I am c-dating. And I am leaning back. And I am working on me.
    Last week my girlfriends and I went out on the town. I saw my dream man, totally put all my energy onto him, tried to get his attention by sitting real close to him, making loud overtures, trying to get him engaged in a game of trivia… chase chase chase.. the energy was horrible. I was loud and abnoxious and even watching myself be that way, I couldn’t stop. Finally, uninterested in me, he left. I wasn’t heart broken, we’ve hardly ever even spoken, it was just… I was noticing. Noticing all the mistakes I was making.
    I didn’t give that incident a second thought, but I worked on myself more. Read more of these blogs, working through the e-book etc.
    Okay, this week… last night… a girlfriend and I went out to see a band we heard about. We ended up at the last minute going to the same bar we had last week. This night, though.. I was just different. I was in lean back mode. I was quieter and not needing attention from everybody. I flirted with my energy and my eyes with every guy who looked my way, but not with my words. My body language was relaxed and open. I was smiling and looked confident.
    And then there he was. He looked at me from across the whole bar. He was sitting at a table with a couple very attractive women. I leaned back in my stool. I looked at him again, he was still looking at me. I smiled at him. Just smiled, cocked my head to the side and thought in my heart simply “It’s really feeling good to see you here tonight.”
    After about fifteen minutes of us looking at each other time and time again, he came over and pulled a chair up behind my girlfriend and I. I actually had absolutely nothing to say. I was so charmed by him coming to me… I just smiled, blushed, stared at him. My girlfriend told me later that it was like this man and I were just gazing into one another’s eyes. I said his name in almost like a whisper and he leaned way in to me and we talked about just nothing for a while. Then he said he had to go but he said it in a way that he didn’t want to go and like he was waiting for me to invite him to stay.
    But I didn’t invite him to stay. I was with my girlfriend and I just kept smiling at him. He said… “Well.. I guess I’ll go.” He hesitantly walked away then he came back and he really didn’t know what to do.
    I had the urge to “help” him ask me out. But I didn’t. I just leaned back and smiled at him. My friend goes… “My god you two!! Why don’t you just kiss her?”
    And he said, “Do you think I should?” Then he leaned in and gave me the sweetest kiss ever. Then he said goodbye.
    Isn’t that strange? It was strange and lovely and wonderful. AND, he didn’t ask for my phone number, nor did he ask me out, nor did he promise to see me again. Nothing. It was just that moment.
    And what I’m not doing is trying to pin him down to get another moment. I’m just relishing this experience and today I’m kind of floating. But I’m not expecting anything more. It feels like my pulling way back is what brought him over to me. I’m wondering if maybe I keep practicing just being soft even when I’m not around him, if he’ll somehow feel that energy and the next time we meet each other accidentally, something more will progress. I know now that I would really like for something to progress with him. And so…. I’m not going to DO anything.
    But boy… did that feel soooooo good, to not chase and to still get a moment that was better than if I would have worked it all myself.
    And the man that I broke up with three weeks ago because I wasn’t being treated nicely by him.. has been working really hard to charm me. He sent my daughters an envelope of money and wrote a letter to them to please get me something lovely for Mother’s Day. And he called me today and we talked, then he asked me if he could please call me tomorrow.
    Just feeling very happy and different and more solid than I’ve ever felt before. Really loving being a woman.

  209.  #209Millie on May 13, 2013 at 2:19 am

    Andrea, I just read this and this is AMAZING! I want to jump up and down for you! What a sensual experience. I love hearing the tools work, I am going to aspire to this! I mean….Wow. Pretty soon you’ll have every man in the bar fighting to sit next to you and gaze into your eyes!

  210.  #210Caryn on May 13, 2013 at 4:56 am

    Hi Rori
    My ex and I broke up 1.5 years ago. It was long-distance and we still live in different countries. I see him every time I go home – every 2 months or so and he’s always up for meeting and has helped me out whenever i’ve needed him. Fact is, we were together (with one split) for 12 years and i do believe he still cares for me. He’s been unemployed and had serious health problems (which i didn’t know about) when we split up. I split up first but he made it final. I know we mean something to each other but don’t know how to bring him back as I can’t lean back if i have to get in touch to let him know i’m in town every time. Because he’s been unemployed for almost 2 years, he’s also, i think sinking into depression. Again, i want to help him but how can i do that and still lean back, being so far away? Maybe i know the answer to this is to forget about him and live my own life but I wanted to ask whether you could see any solution at all. thank you for reading this

  211.  #211Caryn on May 13, 2013 at 4:58 am

    i’m sorry. i think i may have posted the last comment on the wrong thread. still getting the hang of things…!

  212.  #212Francesca on May 13, 2013 at 6:17 am

    @ Andrea
    That is so great! It really gives me hope that I can do it too. I love how you let go of your past mistakes without beating yourself up too. I was feeling as if every man would always remember me for the foolish ways I had chased him, as if I couldn’t ever escape having done that. BUT you show me that the same as if I start chasing after having been a woman who leans back….I can do the reverse and have people see me in a completely new light. It is so inspiring. Good for you!
    You Must feel so wonderful:)

  213.  #213Andrea on May 13, 2013 at 7:14 am

    I know!!! It’s just feeling really wonderful because it’s like my own “demons” are quieted. In the past, even after this amazing experience, I would have been online trying to look up his phone number or facebook page, or would have been trying to make plans to be where I think he would be to run into him. But there’s something about this whole….. energy thing. Like he can really somehow feel my neediness, even if I never see him. How somewhere in one of these blogs Rori talks about how even thinking about him is allowing him to put his mark on me.
    So, I’m being calm. Really extremely grateful that I can post about here. And I’m just working on me.
    This morning two things happened which have nothing to do with my dream man, but everything to do with my new attitude and with Circular Dating.
    My ex called me this morning. He had given my daughters some money to buy me Mother’s Day gifts, completely surprising me. But he’s been out of town and won’t be back til Friday. So he called me this morning to find out how my Mother’s Day went and I gushed… Thanking him for the surprise and for allowing my daughters to pick out the gifts and things.. it was just perfect.
    He said, “Please, can I call you again tomorrow.” I said Yes. He said, “I really want to see you on Friday when I get back. If I plan a date, will you come see me?” I said, “Yes.” He said, “Okay, it will start at 4:31 pm.” I laughed and asked, “When will you get back into town?” He said, “4:30.”
    I’m just letting it soak in. These past three weeks since I broke up with him, he has been so attentive, wanting me to share with him what I need from him. He’s told me things like, “Why haven’t you ever told me this before? Why haven’t you ever shared yourself with me like this?”
    He doesn’t understand that I never knew how to before. I just blamed him for everything and kept myself safe and at a distance. Now, because my confidence is soaring, he is WANTING.. CRAVING.. me.. wanting to find out everything about me. It’s unbelievable.
    And then I opened my facebook and I have a message from a completely different man who has been my facebook friend and nothing more. And out of the blue he says to me, “Hey! I’m really regretting that I didn’t come over and say hello to you the other night. As soon as one conversation ended with someone, another one began. But, I noticed you.”
    Isn’t that incredible?? I’m telling you girls… I was not looking that hot (as physical descriptions are concerned) I was having a bad hair day, was not showing any sexual body parts, I mean.. I just looked like regular me. But there was something there.
    My girlfriend said to me, “Wow, you just look so happy!”
    : )

  214.  #214Andrea on May 13, 2013 at 7:20 am

    Oh.. ps… I think it’s in the e-book, but Rori talks about a meditation practice in which you go into your relaxation spot and then you allow the feelings to come up of being a Man Magnet. As though all men are drawn to you and want to GIVE to you, attend to you, know you. She says to just sit in that feeling and get to know it. Let that feeling of Man Magnet be a natural state for you. So that’s what I’ve been doing almost every night. Just to feel familiar with the Man Magnet vibe. I think that’s really really working for me.

  215.  #215Femininewoman on May 13, 2013 at 7:22 am

    1. . Take a bath.
    Take a bath in the emotional experience of what you desire. For example, if you want to attract an ideal life partner, ask yourself what emotional experience having this in your reality would bring you – joy, intimacy, adventure, peace, security? Write them down on a cue card next to your bed and remember to ‘bathe’ in these emotions every night before sleep. Just read the emotion and imagine taking a bath in that energy vibration. Soak in it as long as you can. When we sustain positive emotional states that match with our desires vibrationally, we become more magnetic to what we want an well as to many other experiences that resonate with those emotional values.

    2. Breathe.
    Another way to cultivate and sustain these emotional states is to use the breath. Identify the emotions one at a time and imagine breathing in the essence of that emotion on your inhale. Imagine your breath moving this emotional energy into each of the cells in your body. Then breathe out any energy blocking the emotion you want on your exhale. Cycle through this breathing exercise for at least a minute or until you feel your cells vibrating at the desired emotional frequency.

    3. Pivot out of pain.
    If you catch yourself in a negative emotional state like anger, frustration or resentment, it is important to pivot out of these states as quickly as possible so as not to create more of that emotional experience in the future INSTEAD of what we really desire. We can do this by asking a few simple questions:
    a) What am I thinking or doing right now that is triggering this negative emotion?
    b) What can I think or do differently to trigger an improved emotional state?
    c) Think or do that!
    When we can become cognizant of the thoughts and behavior patterns lurking behind our pain we can start shifting it in any moment we choose – in the middle of an argument or in a grocery store line up!
    Practice these tools and watch the miracles of magnetism unfold!

    Making YOU Magnetic,

  216.  #216Rori Raye on May 13, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    Caryn – Welcome, and Why would you want to start anything up with a man who’s depressed, unemployed, and not reaching out to you? Nurturing, rescuing and pursuing a man for the rest of your life does not feel like fun to me. Love, Rori

  217.  #217Caryn on May 13, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    Thank you so much for replying Rori. I appreciate what you said. The reason very simply is that he is an extremely intelligent, thoughtful, caring person whom i’ve known and loved all my adult life.

    He was also totally committed to our relationship until everything hit at once. He is going through an extremely hard time. he held a very senior position in a previous job and the things he’s gone through recently would have broken anyone but he won’t pity himself or lean on anybody. I love and, above all, respect him. I just don’t know whether i can do anything unless he reaches out to me.

  218.  #218Katarina Phang on May 13, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    Caryn, Sorry to hear that. I know how you’re feeling. The best you can do now is just to be his friend and expect nothing. I don’t think he’s in the right mind for a relationship. You can reach out to him and show support when you’re in town but stop trying to get him in the relationship with you again. Because it just won’t work.

    When he’s ready he’ll reach out to you and make it happen. Meanwhile, you just need to move on and have a fabulous life. Shift your vibe and a man will notice even when he’s afar. Men really do.

  219.  #219Caryn on May 13, 2013 at 2:24 pm

    Katarina Phang, i understand what you’re saying. I think you are very right in saying to expect nothing. The challenge is to really believe it myself as, of course, he would see through any pretence. Thank you so much for replying. It helps to just be able to talk about it x

  220.  #220Millie on May 13, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    Siren Andrea…
    thank you for sharing. I am so inspired by your story and transformation!

  221.  #221Andrea on May 13, 2013 at 4:36 pm

    @ Caryn. I wanted to tell you what I went through with a man I had been involved with for a year. I’ve talked about this relationship in other posts so I’ll just be very specific about this one thing. This man is going through some very personal and deep hurt and changes in his life right now. There is depression and alcoholism involved as well as family issues and job loss. (He is very wealthy but leans on his job for identity and image although he could retire today if he wanted to.)
    Anyway, I rocketed into his life as though I was going to be the savior super woman that could change his life for the better. He needed to go out of town to take care of some business and he asked me to watch his house for him. Of course I went into stealth spy mode and snooped into every single thing I could access to. Found a whole lot of stuff that I didn’t really want to see. Ugh!!!!!
    Anyway, one of the things I found was a huge file of letters from a woman that he was seeing five years ago. Five years ago, this man was going through the same cycle of depression, job loss, alcoholism that he was now going through with me. This woman that he was seeing wrote him letter after letter telling him all of the things she was doing for him, how much she loved him, how she thought he was too proud to lean on anybody, but that she would see him through for the long haul. She watched his dog, watered his plants, took care of his house, his vehicles, planted his garden… I mean… she went above and beyond in understanding, nurturing, care, love, labour….
    And in the end, when he came out of his little foray into the darkness… he dumped her.
    I couldn’t believe it. But it was an awesome lesson for me. She poured her guts into taking care of him.
    And his thanks was… “Thank You. Goodbye.”
    There are letters upon letters of her heart break and non-understanding. And his cold response… “I just don’t feel it for you anymore.”
    Wow!!!! Okay, snap into three weeks ago. He is depressed. He might lose his job. Because of a DUI he lost his car. So he just bought a new one and then had to take a sabatical. And wanted me to watch his house, water his plants, watch his boat, gather his mail…. He really “needed” me. Right?????
    After finding his ex girlfriend files and finding out that he was contacting ladies online through facebook and email even though he expected exclusivity from me… And even knowing that he truly did need help. That he really was suffering and really did need someone to take care of his house and things for him….
    I totally dumped him.
    For one thing, I finally realized that this was a MAN. A real man. And he absolutely knows how to get what he wants, in any given moment, he knows how to get exactly what he wants. It took him less than three days to get a brand new car.
    What I realized was that he didn’t need a woman to mother him… although that’s what he was used to. What he needed was a woman to know exactly how skilled and talented he is in navigating not only his profession but the stock market and his social life and his illnesses and everything else that came up in his life…. AND… he can take care of me as well. !!!!!!!!

    See???? I dumped his ass with a quickness when I realized that I wasn’t allowing him to BE all the he could BE in my presence.

    Now?? He is chasing me. He is lavishing me with attention and gifts. He called me this afternoon and asked me I’d checked my mail yet. His house has been empty, his plants unwatered, his boats unattended, his mail ungathered for the past three weeks… but somehow.. he is managing. Somehow, he is dealing with depression, possible job loss, possible house vandalism, possible legal issues due to a DWI…. and still this man is able to tend to ME.
    He sent my daughters money in order for them to get me a Mother’s Day gift. He calls me now every day in the morning and in the afternoon to check up on me. He is planning an excursion date for the two of us when he gets back to town on Friday.

    I mean….. he WOKE up!!!! He realized that I finally saw through all of his BS. And I see that he is a man who can take care of his own stuff and plus… If I CHOOSE… he can take care of mine too. He has never been more turned on!!! He has never been more attentive.
    Thanks to these blogs and these posts by so many Sirens.. and thanks to Rori’s ebook. I have never been more amazed!!!!!!

  222.  #222Caryn on May 13, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    @Andrea, that is an amazing story and it’s wonderful how you completely turned the tables on him. As you say it is now your choice whether to believe that he can be better than he has been.

    And i understand what you mean. They are, after all, grown men. We are not meant to rescue them, as we would get on with things and not expect to be rescued ourselves. But it is exactly that which is to care without mothering?

  223.  #223Katarina Phang on May 14, 2013 at 11:20 am

    Andrea, I love your posts! And it’s so true how being in a receptive feminine energy (leaning back) is the best way to get attention from men. I have had similar feedback as well from men.

    Men are turned off by leaning-forward energy more often than not. They might like it for 5 mins before opting to pursue rather than be pursued.

    I’m going to write more on the subject and your posts are great for inspiration.

  224.  #224Katarina Phang on May 14, 2013 at 11:25 am

    Caryn, in my experience men love to be “mothered” to a certain degree. Read their body language. My bf loves to be rubbed and touched and he can act like a child when he wants my attention in that way. So I give it to him when he asks for that.

    Some other time I will ask him for help or to be “catered” to. It might not be usual for American guys to have women asking to be catered to if they are so used to dating independent, assertive American women. That’s how you balance it.

    And mothering also means nagging and controlling, that’s the excess that a man doesn’t need. So treat him like an adult who can deal with his own issues and solve them. Show him that you have faith in him to solve his own problems. Don’t try to be his therapist, that’s mothering too.

  225.  #225Caryn on May 14, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    Katarina – that is so insightful. And your advice about not being a therapist…i have been guilty of that. Will remember what you said. It’s particularly apt in this case. Thank you 🙂

  226.  #226ModernMe on May 15, 2013 at 9:02 am


    Your tools and videos and overall philosophies have helped me soo much and I have been feeling better and better in circular dating and feeling great! Here is my question:

    I live in a somewhat small community and I know many communities member due to the nature of my work and other activities. I am uncertain how to field the situation when I am on a date with someone and another person I am dating is there or is told that I was there with someone (i wish this silly caddy stuff didn’t go on, but it does). I feel shaky about having a private conversation with someone who brings that up, but I do feel as though I can handle it with what you have advised. What I feel really nervous about is bumping into someone else that I date while on a date. What do you think? What if the other person confronts us? I haven’t yet told these guys that I am “dating” because it stills seems too early to even share that with them.

    I do try to go to other towns, places for dinner dates, but I am so busy living and loving me, that I feel frustrated with tacking on 45 minutes each way just to go somewhere else for dinner when there are lovely, interesting and good places (a few) in town.


  227.  #227Dominique on May 15, 2013 at 10:23 am

    ModernMe – If you’re not exclusive, then you are dating, and dating means seeing more than one person at a time in many cases. Any man knows this. Unless he asks for exclusivity, you are free to see whomever you wish.


  228.  #228Francesca on May 15, 2013 at 11:28 am

    Yay!!! I have not felt like cd’ing at all, but I forced myself and it is paying off. My ex is back in town and I started to feel nervous and shaky, worrying about if I will see him (he’s my neighbor). Then I got a text asking me out from a guy I have been putting off repeatedly. He is convincing me to give him a chance by planning way in advance and being very considerate of my time. Then another, a complete surprise from a guy I told I didn’t think we’d be a match romantically, but that I’d happily get to know him as a frienf. He asked me out to his sister’s birthday bbq and we have never even met. His assertiveness and interest actually makes me more interested in him than I was initially. I just gave my number to two more who have very politely, but consistently messaged me on a dating site. Now I feel great despite feeling so rejected and torn up over my ex.
    I told myself to just put one foot in front of the other and stick with the dating thing even if I wasn’t in the mood and it is paying off! Thanks, Rori!

  229.  #229Liquid Light on May 15, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    I want a healthy man who doesn’t want to control me. Also I don’t want a man who is giving off that sexual vibe. I want someone asexual but I know I will get bored with that. Maybe I am still damaged from my (controlling, demanding, manipulative, sexed up) ex and I’m just not ready yet.

    PS: I wish Rori would write a blog about controlling, manipulative men and what to look out for because they are insidious!!! I’ve had a really hard time getting anyone to relate to my experience. I would love some validation!!!!

  230.  #230Marcy on June 1, 2013 at 5:24 pm

    I have a question I would love some insight on:
    I have been CD three great guys. Guy 1 and I have been dating for about 4 months. We both have kids and see each other about 4 or 5 times a month. In between, we text or talk maybe a few times, definitely not every day and usually it’s all brief. We started sleeping together after about 8 weeks. I have started to really like him, but we have not discussed exclusivity and I am waiting to see what he does about that. Right now I don’t think he’s putting enough effort in to expect my exclusivity, though he appears to be not dating other women. Guy 2 I have been seeing about 1 month–he feels harder to get to know, but he is incredibly eager to spend time with me, texts me every day, asks me out ALL the time. I have been seeing him for a date night once a week or so, and often a coffee or a walk once a week in addition. We have kissed, but nothing really intimate beyond that. I like him, but I am not feeling SURE about him. Just getting to know him. Guy 3 I like, have only been out with a few times.

    Question (finally!): I am starting to feel guilty about seeing other guys while sleeping with Guy 1. Mostly because we haven’t talked about it, but it seems clear that he isn’t ready to put more into this thing between us than he is. Should I bring it up? Should I just wait? I would not want to date him exclusively as things are–I’m not getting enough from him. So I don’t feel like having that talk. If he stepped it up…who knows?
    Am I doing this in a morally ethical way? Am I being fair to these people?

  231.  #231CHUCK KEENER on June 10, 2013 at 5:41 am



  232.  #232Rori Raye on June 11, 2013 at 11:51 am

    Chuck, I’m letting this through so I can reply. NO!!!! The advice I give men is to do the exact OPPOSITE as the advice for women. To learn what you need to do, go to: David DeAngelo – – or, or David Cunningham – I like him very much. It’s all about personal authority and leadership for a men. If you want to lose a woman – the fastest way is to date other women. Meanwhile, until you commit – expect her (if she listens to me) to date (and not sleep with, if she makes that deal with you!!!) other men. Your ability to tolerate this until you come up with a viable plan for a future with this woman is what makes you a good and powerful man. Love, Rori