How Do I Know When Gifts From Men Come With Strings?

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locketHere’s a statement from a reader that sums up exactly what so many women think, feel and practice:

“Rori….That is why I’m not so keen on this “receiving from men” without explicit up front agreements.

This last guy was going to be doing all kinds of things to help me, including home improvement … only he didn’t state the “price” up front … he was trading for sex and a “life commitment.” Which felt like a “life sentence.

For me, passively going along with a man giving to me when I’m not sure what his motivations are is a “no go.” Oh I paid for it later with this guy. I learned in my business to be a big fan of explicit up front agreements. And I’m gonna do the same in relationships.

This is where I depart from what I perceive as the “vagueness” of pure feminine energy. Most people IMO are operating from a set of relationship “default expectations” that in my view don’t work, and from my experience, they need to be explicitly renegotiated not left unsaid.

I feel powerful writing this. I’m creating my own version of “feminine” energy integrated into my wholeness that feels better to me …

For me – the power is in “what feels good.”

So – if a man wants to give me something, and I can feel that he’s giving it to me because he WANTS something in return – I’m going to pick up on that.

AND I get to say “No Thank you.”

My Reply:

The thing is: Most of us resist and have little practice at hearing ourselves, listening to ourselves or trusting ourselves, and our “How does this feel to me…” meters are all skewed.

We turn back gifts from men (emotional, psychological, physical, tangible, intangible) that are given “no strings attached” – and accept miserly men because they somehow feel safer.

For me – experience is a teacher, yes, and we need to learn to hear the lesson.

Mostly, for me, we interpret that lesson through our past experience – which is not helpful.

Experience just teaches us to have the same perspectives and interpretation, over and over again – as if those are “right.”

The power in feminine energy is to begin to pick up on when something feels peaceful and “in the pocket” – and when it feels stressful. And “for what reason” it might feel stressful – so it’s not about stuck feelings and fear rather than right-on intuition.

So – for me, that’s where the power and learning is – and not in trying to make any kind of rules…

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Lisa on September 14, 2013 at 7:39 am

    I feel this deep sadness today… not sure why…I finally got sleep…something must be bubbling up again… maybe my giving up… has let me to “Not doing” and I’m feeling what the feels like… and doing has kept my emotions at bay all these years….

    I had a incredible time with my girls last night, and now they are all here helping me in the yard… and maybe, I’ve thought I had this hole where my life partner was going to be , and I’m finding I don’t… maybe what I have now ( drop the maybe as BK would say) is ALL I need… and there is no hole…

    Maybe I have all the love I need now… ( drop the maybe)…

    Realizing my Dad did love enough to leave me alone …. and that was love… possibly is turning my story/life upside down..

    as Rumi said: “Don’t worry that your life is turning upside down.
    How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?”

    I can it is not better than the one to come!!!

    The one that is coming is so much better than the one I’ve had with all my old core beliefs… about men, my self, love, relationships..

    tears, tears, I welcome them!


  2.  #2syreena on September 14, 2013 at 7:59 am

    Same for me Rori, I trust my intuition.
    How do I feel about this person offering to give to me?

    The difference between someone just being kind and in the moment with no ulterior motive.
    Or someone who wants something, knows what I like and gives with an agenda hoping for something in return off me.

    It feels difficult to explain. But I pick it up from their vibe.

    Although for me, fear has at times come into play and I take this feeling as a gift and listen to it.

  3.  #3syreena on September 14, 2013 at 8:43 am

    Lisa. I personally feel uncomfortable with that katie Byron turn around stuff re let’s turn it around he was a good father.
    And ignoring the bad stuff. As for me of course any father is going to have some good qualities that make them a good Father, And some that are not good. To me it feels crazy and crazy making to pretend, dismiss and deny the bad. If it is helping you then that is good. To me though it feels best to not try and make sense out of nonsense as that will just drive me crazy.

    For me no one is all good or bad. Even Hitler had his good qualities I am sure. Are we all going to deny, dismiss and pretend he didn’t do any bad things?

    So yes some things would have felt loving and good and some things would have felt unloving and bad.
    I personally would not want to ingnore, dismiss, pretend or sweep under the carpet what felt unloving and bad. And some things like being beaten, molested,or systematically psychologically abused I would definitely not want to dismiss and make ok.

    Just feels best to accept that as a child I was helpless and had no control over other peoples unloving choices and actions towards myself and others. And that as a child I was in a position of powerlessness I was totally reliant on my parents. And had no real say or power to chose not to be part of that dysfuction with dysfuctional people. It was up to them to get help and sort themselves out not me.

    As an adult I still have to accept that I have no real control over other peoples unloving actions and behaviour. But now as an adult I am no longer powerless in a lot of situations as I can choose if someones unloving behaviour is tolerable or a dealbreaker to me, or if I want to and am able to tolerate it in most situations. And want to play a part in a dysfuctional realtionship. Or to want to stop playing a part in the dysfunction.

    In some situations as an adult, sadly at times I will truly be in helpless and powerless situations and will not really have a real choice if I am able to get away from them in the moment. And will then just have to do my best to make a plan to get myself in a situation to be able to slowly step by step.
    All I can do now is do my best to be the best parent I can be to myself and my own children.By being aware and tuned in to my feelings, spirit and what is best for mine and my childrens higher good X

  4.  #4syreena on September 14, 2013 at 8:48 am

    Lisa are you able to feel that deep core sadness and recognise it for what it is, hearbreak?

    Annd put your hand on your heart and let the tears flow ubtil your sadness feels lighter. X

  5.  #5Hana on September 14, 2013 at 9:28 am

    Arabian Goddess, I am just writing here in reply to your previous thread comment. Today I am at peace considering all the things happening for me. I am so impressed at how you are healing and recovering from the last guy you were seeing. Take it easy with the new ones, and absolutely enjoy all the gifts they have to offer you in learning about what kind of relationship you want. Enjoy your youth and have fun.

    Amir is in my heart, but I am dating funny boy, I told him I will be busy for 2 weeks, and he was worried that I was “being ditched” but I’ve assured him it is because of a lot lot things happening in my life and due to the fact that I am a mother without a nanny 🙂

    Morrocon men huh? What are they like?


  6.  #6Daria on September 14, 2013 at 10:13 am

    hmm i feel a lil scared and defensive that Byron Katie stuff really does work for me

    not in a way i have to keep explaiing and justifying… it just… makes a SHIFT that i felt… adn there’s no going back to feeling worse

    its a change in me a transformation adn its effortless

    i feel sad thats not coming across to everyone from that practice sigh

    i shy away from practicing it sometimes

    and it feels like such love adn relief for myself

    and such magic of transformation

    and its NOT like explaining and justifiying and it feels frustrating to explain what seems unexplainable from the ‘other side’

    and i dont want to not have that amazing view and that amazing love

    and i feel amazed that in this life im offered the ability to go there to that love and experience everything so different


    also i feel scare dto share about this and i felt a lil taken aback to have a different perspective… i felt tears of healing not so much of heartbreak and

    a thought that its related to the tears i just recently had, and they felt so good and it did not feel like heartbreak, it felt, softer

    i feel scared!

    i feel unsafe sharing this a bit!

    i feel like yelling “i love you Daria” to give myself the ‘space’ to share

    i feel sad about this

    thank you for practicing Daria

  7.  #7Daria on September 14, 2013 at 10:21 am

    i feel like shaking and yelling at people who are always running away fromtheir healing! thank u judgement

    i feel judgmental

    i feel powerless

    oh i love my powerless feeling right now

    i lvoe my mom

    i love me

    i love my healing

    i lvoe my huge power

  8.  #8Femininewoman on September 14, 2013 at 10:40 am

    I feel so unsettled reading “The power in feminine energy is to begin to pick up on when something feels peaceful and “in the pocket” – and when it feels stressful. And “for what reason” it might feel stressful – so it’s not about stuck feelings and fear rather than right-on intuition”. It’s like some resistance in my head not wanting to understand this. I wonder what that is about?

  9.  #9Daria on September 14, 2013 at 10:52 am

    hmm i must be feeling really mad at myself when i dont jump into and instad shy away from practices that heal me

    i want to feel better about this

    i want to feel less hopeless and powerless

    i want to allow myself to take it easy and gentle

    an di wna to feel safe and trusted that i am taking care of things at a pace that is ‘enough’


  10.  #10Daria on September 14, 2013 at 11:02 am

    any sirens in Brazil that would like to host me for a bit when I go there at the end of the year? speak up now por fa! i don’t speak portuguese but i can do some spanish an d english along w romanian

  11.  #11ArabianLove on September 14, 2013 at 11:16 am

    I love talking to you Hana !

    🙂 I’m glad you told him you needed time for yourself (in a way), he will miss you for sure.

    I contacted my ex bf not the most recent one but the one right b4. He called me last night and text, but i was sleeping. he text me again several times this morning. Asking me if I was busy today. I am busy I have a family party. He asked when Id be back in town and I mentioned it would be late sunday night. He’s going away for work on Sunday . He’s trying to fit me in to see me. lol always the same old. But this time Im going to circular date and I am going to take it easy not worry about what he is doing and just be myself like if I am not interested in him. I miss him immensely but I am not ready to see him right away.

    He is moroccan too. I can’t catagorize what kind of men they are since they are all different … depends on personality and what they want in a relationship. The 2 I dated were very different. One would make me dinner on the weekends and take me out.

  12.  #12ArabianLove on September 14, 2013 at 11:20 am

    the other one (the one I called) was very work oriented and loved being independent. I was young and pushed A LOT … not to mention how I get stuck in my head and I am so insecure thinking I must do something to make him like me. Its always when it was him chasing me that I felt much better … I remember the beginning of the relationship was amazing 🙂 I want that feeling again.

  13.  #13Indigo on September 14, 2013 at 11:33 am


    I kinda wish I lived in Brazil, it would be so fun to host a siren! Well, look me up if you’re ever in South Africa 🙂

  14.  #14Indigo on September 14, 2013 at 11:35 am

    I feel amazed that today I was talking on the blog about texting and e-mailing communication, and this very night D e-mailed me. First communication in 6 days.

    I’m not going to respond right away though, if at all.

    Thank you, thank you for the reminder today.

  15.  #15Indigo on September 14, 2013 at 11:49 am

    In other news, the guy friend who took me to a swishy restaurant last weekend invited me on a holiday to Phuket today… and I’m pretty sure he’d pay for it too. I can’t go, I could never get time off work, also I think he’d read too much into it.

    What a day.

  16.  #16Syreena on September 14, 2013 at 11:49 am

    Some of it worls for me Daria like he is a cheater to I am a cheater and how am I cheating myself that makes sense to me as there is no denying that the other person cheated.

    So with the Father and being bad, it makes more sense to me to accept tha he was bad and then say how would I be treating myself bad if I was still accepting and tolerating something so bad that it felt like a dealbreaker to me, if I now how the choice not too. And accepting that I didn’t have a real choice as a child, but I as an adult in most situations/
    That would make more sense.

    The clip shown on the other thread felt and made no sense to me and felt crazy making to try and make sense of it. So to me it then feels best to not try and make sense out of nonsense othewie I will do myself harm and drive myself crazy. And I do not want to do that

    If it made sense to you fair enough. I’m not you. I’m me, with my own feelings thoughts and beliefs. Some of these we will share and agree on. Some we will not. Ces’t la vie. If it works for you and helps that’s great. Some of it works for me. Some of it feels c


  17.  #17Syreena on September 14, 2013 at 11:53 am

    wrong for me.

    None of these people are God that are just people with beliefs and opinions. So just all a matter of opinion the end of the day

  18.  #18sequoia on September 14, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    I can relate to your words about your dad and your core wounds. These wounds are affecting ones whole life and the pain is still in the soul and can only be released when one truly allows oneselve to feel it again – that’s what I believe. As you mention God I’d like to bring God into the picture. I know that i have all these core wounds. I know because I keep attracting the same or similar things into my life. I feel helpless with them and very overwhelmed at times not knowing how to heal myself. But then I have realised, or at least intellectually realised, that the only force that can heal me truly is Gods Love. I am not a religious person, in fact I have many injuries I need to heal from my religious up-bringing, but somehow after some realisation I can accept that God can only give us his/her love when we long for it and this is the love , the unconditional Love that can heal any wound and transform the soul forever. And with the transformed soul, our attraction has changed forever.

  19.  #19Daria on September 14, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    Syreena – i hear you. i feel frustrated when the power of something for me doesnt seem to impress others the same – its not aobut you – i get really triggered by this all the time .

    I want to be such a great communicator that i can share healing with people and instantaneously receive a good feeling from doing so

    i know Rori mentioned she doesn’t particularly like using Byron Katie’s process as it’s more of a ‘mental’ thing as she compares it to her more ‘body/feeling centered work’

    I will say that i’ve felt powerfully shifted by the Byron Katie process myself – and indeed it doesn’t seem to make sense within certain perspectives of thinking, until the shift has actually occurred. the shift is not forced or understood through making it make sense…i actually usually feel resistant, or blanked out, or not so good at that part of the process… its just something that can somehow happen during the turn arounds… it feels… like bewildering relief

    i relate to not wanting to create damage… i don’t even use this process or other healing processes myself on really big issues to me.. it feels too overwhelming and scary to approach the issues

    and I’ve seen so many people make huge shifts using subconscious processes (not just Byron Katie processes but many others as well) that it’s changed my perspective about what’s possible in this world…and I’ve experienced some huge things myself

    I feel good to believe that healing is possible for the Entire World

    and, I feel pleased and scared to say I feel good believing we are all God

  20.  #20Millie on September 14, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    I have a siren question…
    I went on an INCREDIBLE 1st date with a man. We connected, laughed, teased, he made me feel soooo good. I really like his vibe and personality. He seemed a bit insecure, but in the moment it came across as he values what I think of him and he values how I feel about where he’s chosen to take us and all that. My answers were very assuring, as I loved everything that he chose. The second date however….didn’t go as well. I don’t know what it was, but the conversation wasn’t flowing as well as the date seemed off. I finally brought it up and said “I feel like we are missing the mark tonight. Our first date felt so good and I was so happy and excited to see you tonight.” He said he felt the same way! And had been wondering why this feels a bit off. Then he says–Your a beautiful woman, and beautiful women have their pick of men, and if this isn’t flowing for you, I’m sure you have choices. I was floored! In the moment I wasn’t sure if he was saying–He’s not that interested, or if he’s feeling insecure around me. I told him that everyone has insecurities, but I like him and was looking forward to being with him tonight. He said he also likes me and is “into this” date. He said he was afraid to say “the wrong things…”
    He also admitted to me that he has an anxiety problem and is “in his head a lot.” I told him that we are pretty much strangers to each other right now, and there is going to be awkward silences, and moments where we won’t know what to say to each other, but it’s ok. I’m still enjoying just being with you. He said he was worried I wasn’t having a good time….
    Overall, the date felt a bit stressful, but our first meeting we clicked, our first date we clicked, and he’d been contacting me everyday, we clicked.

    I heard from him the day after our date, but not since then. I feel worried about it….I know I should not reach out to him, but I wonder if that lack of flow period on our date turned him off….I feel our chemistry is undeniable….I can’t stop smiling when I’m with him, even through the awkward moments. I’m not going to DO anything, but….I hope he does.

  21.  #21Daria on September 14, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    i think this tells me about me that I feel really sad feeling unheard and that I want to heal my feeling unheard

    thats really what it is, i want to protect myself from feeling unheard, from that awful feeling of helplessness and also not feeling like i don’t matter

    thank you Daria

    I love your fear in your tummy writing this

    i love your fear and analysis of how this may affect others and your tightening up and all your feelings and patterns i love them all

    i love your smile 🙂

  22.  #22Millie on September 14, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    On another note….I connected with another man last night. We talked about our relationship fears and I admitted that I realized about myself that I am constantly waiting for a man to mistreat me, waiting for the other shoe to drop because that is how I felt with my ex. I told him about the “tape” in my head saying that “oh he’s not going to call” and “this is too good to be true” and all….He said I hit the nail on the head because when he and I first interacted he felt like I expected him to be a jerk and he sensed I was keeping him “at arm’s length.” I was very surprised because I didn’t feel I was keeping him at a distance….I liked him! He said he could identify that in me because he knew it about himself. He has been cheated on twice and is now finding it difficult to allow himself to trust women, he admitted having his own demons to work through right now. Overall it was a great conversation because I got to hear his perspective and also share my truths and vice versa.

  23.  #23sequoia on September 14, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    Daria ~ I don’t agree that we are all God – would our world truly be like this if we were? I beleive that we all have the potential to become one with God, by opening up to his love and absorbing it into our soul if the longing is there and if all the blockages are gone.

    Healing with God’s love requires us to feel all our feelings and that’s why I like Rori’s work so much as her emphasise is so much on feeling our feelings and being true with them.

    Just focusing on feeling all our feelings will shift things within our souls and thus our law of attraction.

    If we bring in prayer/longing for Gods love from within our hearts than this shifting can happen quicker.

    I want to share this with you as this is the most amazing treasure I have found.
    I understood it intellectually, but applying it is another story as there are many blockages, feelings I have to feel and this is challenging.

    But by focusing on staying with the feelings and experiencing releases and small shifts my faith in it is growing.

  24.  #24Daria on September 14, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    something that comes to mind as an analogy is the I love my feeling awful thing

    i didnt use to even be able to rationalize this, it was like but the truth is i Dont love feeling awful

    and then i just practiced loving feeling awful and then stuff would (magically) change

    it feels so… bewildering and yet wow omg i have magic powers

    now it makes sense to love it as its protecting me blah blah

    i see how i can practice this more when i feel sick

    like i love my pain etc

    i still feel afriad to trust that if i love my pain i wont get more pain

    i feel sad and scared

    i love my sad and scared feelings

    thank you Daria

  25.  #25Daria on September 14, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    sequoia – i hear your question about tht world

    I personally feel good believing we are all God… it feels like opening doors and powers in myself

    actually it feels good to me to believe that *I* am God, and also to believe that other people are also as great and unique as me

    my current perspective re: your question is that my not believing that I am God is what makes the world feel painful (how did I get here is what I’ve been wanting to ‘get’ and got close to a bit)

    when I accept my greatness and worthiness I discover magic shifts in the world that I didn’t know or remember

    like I would have never guessed that i would ‘get’ romantic love… and here i am

    and i don’t want to argue about religion, i know Rori doesn’t want that kinda arguing

    theres so many views, beliefs and perspectives and we can choose…

    i want choose what feels good to me

  26.  #26Femininewoman on September 14, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    Daria I have a belief that we are all gods. I believe their is a greater power than us which most people refer to as the Universe. To me that is the G-od

  27.  #27Syreena on September 14, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    Sequoia 18.

    Your core post resonates with me. I believe we are like lost and wounded souls until this happens.

    And when we connect back to spirit yes it help us heal and connect us again.

    Like you I follow no religion.
    I believe all religion is made up by man.
    I don’t need to be part of any religious group to feel connected to spirit ot ‘God’

  28.  #28Daria on September 14, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    u kno i keep beating myself up for not being able to do enough or take enough responsibility

    what ive been doing for so long is taking TOO much responsibility

    and things feel overwhelming

    and i am not getting what i want cuz im ‘trying Too hard’

    doing more than my share

    and why

    cuz i feel scared it wont get done otherwise

    so im opressing people this way

    i want to stop this

    i feel scared

    i want it to feel good

    not scary and awful


    i can heal this

    i Got this for a second…

    i want to heal the world

    im not getting enough done

    i feel overwhelmed

    and its cuz

    i take on More or not what is really for me to take on

    maybe im not taking on then what Is for me

    im ‘fighting’ so much

    what did this show up for me to heal?

    my fighting…

    change my way of struggle and suffering … for ‘others’

    taking on stuff for others

    avoiding taking it on for me then


    traumas of powerlessness

    i can heal this

    i feel sad


    maybe just feeling sad…

  29.  #29Daria on September 14, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    FeminineWoman i feel good reading that

    right now i was giving myself permission to embrace more of the female God as a way to view that God…

    then i felt scared to feel the feelings that brought in me, cuz i wouldve made loud noise in my body and i wouldve felt afraid to be attacked or just bring close my mother which woudve felt attacking and unsafe to me

    when i have my safety and privacy im able to feel those powerful feelings in me and my ‘make things happen i want to happen’ power grows

    i am a magical being knowing so much in my unique way its really more than mindblowing its worldchanging that im alive and knowing myself

    and to imagine all beings have such huge uniqueness as i find in me is beyond good feeling

    just focusing on me is plenty satisfying

    i want to heal my fear of being myself

    i feel afraid of being attacked

    i feel afraid of healing attacks

    i feel afraid of forgiving those that my friends blame

    i feel afraid of not being powerful after all and feeling huge pain

    i want to heal all this

    i just remembered the what did this show up to help me heal tool and its got me goin in a way that feels intriguing and exciting now

  30.  #30Daria on September 14, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    right now im working on bringing my spiritual power into the physical so i can walk through walls – yeah for real

    recently i was in a place where i was able to ‘Eat” people’s emotions and create good feelings no matter what

    i ate the feelings of a lil boy who’s parents had a huge fight in front of us and kept everyone feeling Happpay 🙂

    i fell off a bit with the Bookie and his friend thing that was somewhat more strong than i could handle

    then ‘eating’ the phone waves and etc was strong too and

    now i can feel rocks though and i can also feel lil parasite bugs … i think this is part of kundalini awakening but perhaps people who dont accept their worthyness goddessness and greatness can choose to die at this point as it felt very scary with lots of suicidal thoughts

    im healing now

    im changing

    so everything ive wanted HAS happened for me and so i will be soon able to move these electromagnetics so i can do my walking through walls thing

    it feels overwhelming too so i want to take it easy on myself and id want so much help to make it easy

    and i feel alone

    and i get the impression i instinctively push help away and tell myself a story that i wont appreciate it for myself unless i do it alone and i would like to heal that too


    i feel really good to share this and i feel ‘heard’ now that i read your post FeminineWoman shrug as in i dont get how that works but hey 🙂

  31.  #31Daria on September 14, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    Neighborfriend told me his ex who talked to him about spirituality died of cancer and the books ive been reading – whcih from experience are intuitively coming to me to help with issues at hand – talk about parasites and cancer connection and so since i’m continuing to love myself through this i will now not die as I accept my power

    and yes the book shows how to cure it for anyone and ive already started to build the machine needed – physically – and it has to do with electric current electromagnetics

    and id like… phew sigh… all this to feel GOOD! thank you!

    i know you all involved with this are hearing me lol 🙂

    some stuff easily feels good as ive had preparation to not fall in the traps i see that feel bad, but some of the things seem to catch my triggers and i get in the feeling bad spots and forget to trust life and trust myself and

    i dont want to fall off and get out my body/die

    i want to heal this in a way that feels good

    thank you thank you

  32.  #32Daria on September 14, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    freakin violent racist movies triggering me

    u know sometimes i wonder if … well i allow this knowledge to come to me cuz i don’t judge the consciousness of the giver… but maybe i (again) take on too much

    would it still come to me if i said No to it if it felt bad even a lil evn tho i felt fascinated and curious?

    or is it not really that i feel not good, is it “MY” duty or my gift that i can receive all this?

    maybe it doesnt feel bad and its up to me to heal and translate

    and … that kinda makes me feel important and good…

    maybe its just a way to heal?

    am i justifying it just so i can have what i want. my curiosity?

    is it an addiction?

    i feel curious

    id like to heal this

    thank u

  33.  #33Daria on September 14, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    maybe curing cancer is not really ‘important’ at the expense of my feeling good and peaceful…

    that feels scary and unsettling

    is that what the message is

    to trust that it will come even if i always choose peaceful and good feeling …

    that actually feels scary!

    i feel scared ill miss out on doing important things

    my gifts and purpose


    this feels confusing

    i want to heal this

    thank u

  34.  #34Daria on September 14, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    this movie is actually bringing up stuff to heal

    im gonna shower now

  35.  #35Liquid Light on September 14, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    I’ve got a really fun date lined up this week. Its with someone from a dating site who I ran across randomly who is from my home town and even lived in my old neighborhood!!! That was over 30 years ago and on the other end of the country! Hahahaha!!! I’m so excited though. I love connecting with people from that time in my life. And he seems really interesting! Its going to be so fun to reminisce about our shared past!!!!

  36.  #36Syreena on September 14, 2013 at 2:12 pm

    Daria, I hear your experience. Ty for sharing.

    IME if I make a shift in order to blank something out it is like I am in denial.
    And that makes me feel scared, it feels like I am denying part of what makes me human and is the opposite of what I want to do. That doesn’t feel ealing to me. A bit like taking prozac. I felt in denial, made excuses for people and blanked stuff out for years. I don’t want to go backwards. It feels best to me to no longer deny and blank stuff out. To face it, accept the truth, let go by releasing some healing cleansing tears. Doing this allows me to help me feel connected to myself and spirit enabling me release to grief and help me move forward towards oneness and feeling whole. And then I feel joyous and uplified, my spirit feels uplifted and I experience Bliss at times, Denial, numbing and blanking have the opposite effect for me.

  37.  #37Syreena on September 14, 2013 at 2:16 pm

    Felt good to read about your date LL, hope you enjoy and have fun.

  38.  #38Liquid Light on September 14, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    Thanks Syreena! 🙂

  39.  #39Heart on September 14, 2013 at 2:53 pm

    Hi Lisa, Dominique & Amanda – thank you for the input & advice on the previous post. It felt good & nourishing to read your words.

  40.  #40Heart on September 14, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    Lisa – I’m sorry it hurts so much. (((hugs)))

  41.  #41Lisa on September 14, 2013 at 3:30 pm

    @Millie 22 WOWOW that was amazing! I would love love love to have a convo like that with a man I was previously involved with what amazing insight… that is tremendous…

    I’ve been told by my ex that I keep people at arms length which floors me.. I’m always the huggy and how are you doing, smiling, PDA girl and I wonder how they know… ummm this is juicy stuff… now what?

    @Heart Thank you!!! {{{ hugs back}}} it does hurt but in a good way… I’m allowing things to come in… I’m learning to receive.. it’s uncomfortable b/c I’ve never allowed it much before… I was an over giver.. my mom taught me that… <3

    tears coming now… I want to feel cherished, I want to feel wanted so bad that he can't and won't let me go…

    I don't know how to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop… how??? How to I realize how I'm keeping men at arms length?

    I just want to let it ALL out!!! sob it out, or scream it out!!


  42.  #42Amanda on September 14, 2013 at 3:39 pm

    Thanks Rori for clearing this one up. Yup…women, especially business women have a tendency to follow the rules and so therefore we look for them. Creating rules out of what you are talking about only creates confusion. It’s an overall understanding of the theory. And yes, that was bothering about most things. It’s not really about reinterpreting things, more about realizing the big picture. I often have this with employees. You explain a theory on how you want things done but they see it as a rule and when a different situation arises they don’t know what to do because it’s not EXACTLY like the last situation.
    Same thing with men…each situation may be different but the theory is the same. What feels ”in the pocket” as you said, is what you go with. Whatever that is. Hey perhaps you wouldn’t mind trading a lil sex for a new oak staircase Te He…if that is what feels right to you do. The theory is to be open to receiving and receiving what feels good to you.

  43.  #43Luzydel on September 14, 2013 at 5:28 pm

    I’m her alone comparing what is better… being alone or being in a relationship that is mostly happening in my mind? Or in a “relationship where there is no substance.

    Being alone is inner strength and it brings so much space that I can fill however I want to.

    An imaginary relationship brings up all these feeling of uncertainty and anger as to why the guy is not behaving like I expect it. he is there, but really isn’t!

    I no longer see Cding as a tool to find “the One”, but as a way to find myself…

  44.  #44Luzydel on September 14, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    All gifts from men come with strings. Even if the string is just appreciation.

  45.  #45Millie on September 14, 2013 at 6:36 pm

    @Lisa– Thank you! Yes this was an amazing conversation! One thing I love about this guy is that he is such a great communicator and able to really say how he feels and why….He isn’t an ex tho, I’ve actually only been out with him twice, and his observance of me being “distant” was based on our first date. Wow exactly! I had no idea I was projecting that…What now?! I don’t know! I believe I need to look back on the date and think about what I could be doing or what was going through my mind at the time to project that. I felt very relaxed with him, so I’m sure the answer is not on the surface.

  46.  #46Lisa on September 14, 2013 at 6:38 pm

    @Luzydel that is great insight… to find yourself… awesome!

    side note:

    I’m feeling happy and proud of myself…. today I allowed my alone / lonliness to sink down deep into me… and bam there was no loniliness at all… I just needed to connect with myself…

    so much pride today working in the yard with my family… and how we aren’t perfect, but we work together as a team and we communicate… and that feels so good…

    what feels better is that I had an opportunity to go out tonight and I didn’t… I wanted to stay home with myself…

    I feel obligated to get out so I can c’d and be around more men… and I’m tired lots of the time, so I notice I can turn on the vibe and can turn on the feminine easy, but I’m too tired to really want to be flirtatious and talkative… so I think b/c I’m not really in the mood for too much talk ( b/c I tired) that I might come off as aloof…

    So, I really wonder if my tiredness and over worked mental self is really attracting the right men, b/c I’m just not my perky happy flirtatious self… the problem is… not much I can about it… he’ll have to show up or not… unless a miracle happens to relieve me of my duties… uggg…

    But I’m content now.. with me… no hole to fill, no man to find… just me, and my girls and my home, and the amazing end of summer weather, and the cats and dogs, and the stars and moon… yummmm it feels content…


  47.  #47Vi on September 14, 2013 at 10:44 pm

    To me it would feel good to be clear about his expectations… especially if I felt unsure.. I feel curious how a script for that situation might look like.. hmm.. ‘I feel tense (curious) about something and it would feel good to clarify that’ … ‘there is a sense like I owe you something.. and I don’t want to feel that way. What do you think?’ or ‘It would feel good to know if I owe you anything for… What do you think?’ hmmm…. ‘I don’t want to feel like I owe you anything, what do you think?’ … hmmm… feels more or less okay.. just feeling a bit afraid to know the answer…

  48.  #48zia on September 14, 2013 at 10:53 pm

    I am feeling confused today but I’m sure it’s just hangover related…

  49.  #49zia on September 14, 2013 at 11:00 pm

    Loved rori’s response here 🙂

  50.  #50Vi on September 14, 2013 at 11:12 pm

    Hehe.. ‘hhmm’ means I feel confused and unsure if I ‘should’ communicate my tension and clarify the situation at all , because Rori doesn’t mention this in the article… This observation makes me feel giggly… and I feel unsure I can trust my desire to clarify this… hehe..

  51.  #51zia on September 14, 2013 at 11:13 pm

    I feel myself shutting down…

  52.  #52Emerson on September 14, 2013 at 11:18 pm

    I feel weary reading posts about God and religi0n.
    I believe in my faith and that’s all there is to it. I don’t try to convince others about it. They either want it or they don’t.
    Between them and the higher power…
    I feel fragmented and keep hoping for a “break”..
    Whether that is with a new job or a new man….
    I feel like I’ve been waiting a long time.

  53.  #53Emerson on September 14, 2013 at 11:19 pm

    Luzydel you are right there is always a string attached.

    I have gotten better at accepting gifts though. And compliments …

  54.  #54Emerson on September 14, 2013 at 11:19 pm

    I need some new date outfits just in case….

  55.  #55Emerson on September 14, 2013 at 11:33 pm

    I’m in the middle of a transformation so that’s why I feel the strain ….
    I’m changing some behaviors and I’m in lean back mode…
    Into sure what coping mechanisms to turn to…
    I can’t concentrate on work because I feel a cloud over my head …

  56.  #56Emerson on September 14, 2013 at 11:34 pm

    Why do I feel better about everything when I have the attention of a man???

  57.  #57Indigo on September 14, 2013 at 11:48 pm

    Millie 22,

    This could be about fear of intimacy for you, or perhaps a little emotional unavailability. Dominique writes about this and has some great articles on this, as does Baggage Reclaim UK.

    I never would have thought I had a fear of intimacy, or any emotional unavailability, because of my deep desire for a relationship and because of how I feel I open up when I am in one with a man I like or love. However, if we choose someone who has commitment or intimacy fears, or emotional unavailability, it is because we have some of that ourselves. It feels “safer” to us.

    I am still unraveling what that means to me, and I feel SO glad I realized this because it has made so many things clearer to me, and now I can start to address this little bit by little bit. I don’t believe, once I have begun healing this in myself, that someone who is emotionally unavailable will hold any appeal for me.

    Just some musings of my own. This may mean something different for you 🙂


  58.  #58Zia on September 15, 2013 at 2:22 am

    Indigo – I realised the same thing. And I’ve attracted men who also have intimacy issues….. and I feel super vulnerable and afraid when someone turns up who doesn’t seem to have those issues.

    Something I am going to pay attention to and work through 🙂

  59.  #59Waterfall on September 15, 2013 at 2:27 am

    I’m not sure i understand this post. I will have to go back and read it again…

    Sometimes I find it hard to ‘be’ and be connected with myself.

    I feel bored

    I feel lazy

    I live my feelings. I am hugging my feelings.

    Yet I want to shift them. Change them.

    I have leaned right back with S and he has leaned back too.

    It seems he has read my mind, or picked up on my vibe.

    He will stay if he is the right man for me, or leave me if he’s not.

    I feel scared. I love my fear.

    I feel anxious. I love my anxiety.

    I really am excited about looking in the mirror. All the things that annoy me – are they just reflections of myself??

    I love how I can be honest with myself. This feels scary to write. I can feel my confidence disappearing as I write this…

    I love my fear and my lack if confidence. I love my fear around saying anything positive and positive for the future.

    I am so fearful of being wrong and f-ing up..! I hate to say I am happy or feel good about something. I love my anxiety and my anxious feelings. I want to heal this…

  60.  #60Waterfall on September 15, 2013 at 2:33 am

    Experience has taught me not to be happy.

    Whenever I relax and am happy and start being my true deep down self, then things go wrong..

    If I relax I worry I will f-up, because this is what has happened in the past.

    It is so tiring to stay vigilant of how I am ‘being’ all the time.

    If I am perfect just the way I am then why do I feel so unloved if I am being a ‘slob’.

    Right now I am doing nothing. Lying down. Loads of cleaning and washing to do. Loads of domestic jobs to do. I have coffee spilt down my dressing gown. I have not washed.

    Does this make me a bad person??

    I feel a man or a female friend or a family member would judge me for this. They would judge me ifthey saw me right now.

    Why fo I have this fear of people judging me? Where does it come from how can I heal this?? I love this fear of judgement…

  61.  #61Cris on September 15, 2013 at 3:09 am

    I definetely prefer emotional gifts from men… They are more precious


  62.  #62Veronica on September 15, 2013 at 3:26 am

    Wow I’ve missed so much in the past two/three days.It’s so good to come back to this blog : )

    Lisa – I keep thinking to myself that you’ve progressed so well. Your voice here is much lighter/more free. Also with things being revealed so quickly with ‘R’ I keep thinking that you saved yourself another 6 months of vagueness. I don’t know if what I’m thinking is in any way true to your experience – I just keep thinking on it like that.

    Indigo – I’m glad your voice is back here : )

  63.  #63Veronica on September 15, 2013 at 3:43 am

    Elsie – your situation compels me to feel through how I would react.

    Here is this man that i was so ‘into’ who turns up on my doorstep and says the words of what I wanted so much for us to have. It feels like relief: he has the capacity to grow (maybe) and feel(maybe) and treasure what we had (maybe). I’m elated by his small step up which seems huge against the background of arduous and grindingly slow moves to actions of love on his part to manifest a real open relationship. It seems like a miracle and I could almost believe that so much is possible now because at least he gets it. Only now I’m not so sure – comparing one man’s actions that exist in reality to another man’s potential for action doesn’t feel like a real comparison. And yet I’m comparing and I feel the slip back into the imaginary. I’m again on his sense of time and that doesn’t mean because he’s ready that he’ll actually be capable of the relationship I need. Wanting a relationship with him for so long has deflected my attention from realising that at best this is his interview/application to be a CD.

  64.  #64Veronica on September 15, 2013 at 4:02 am

    In communicating with these men on the website I can feel my boundaries quite strongly in me. I thought I was all shaky and betraying of myself – so that feels good.

    Also, I don’t jump to respond to BM when he e-mails me. Yay – this is huge progress for me. I just don’t feel like it: I don’t feel the investment on his part and I feel too tired to bring myself to reply. It feels depleting to reply now.

    I’m still quite anxious about betrayal – I was in a relationship when that happened with words of ‘I love you’ and expressions of feeling bad about betraying and yet he still chose to leave me. I don’t know how I will react when I hear the words ‘I love you’ when I’m in a relationship — there is so much pain that I have around this. ‘I love you’ and choosing to leave me doesn’t feel like love to me. I’m still in so much hurt about this: ( It can’t be love, it just can’t be. I have to let this go into “I don’t know” and “I don’t understand”

  65.  #65Indigo on September 15, 2013 at 4:37 am


    I thought of you as I was writing my post. Something you wrote in the last thread.

    And I know just what you mean.

    I had to do some real soul-searching to figure out why I threw so much energy at a relationship where the guy couldn’t do real intimacy or relationship, apart from the good I got out of it.

  66.  #66Indigo on September 15, 2013 at 4:46 am

    Thanks Veronica 🙂 x

    I resonate with this at the moment:

    “Also, I don’t jump to respond to BM when he e-mails me. Yay – this is huge progress for me. I just don’t feel like it: I don’t feel the investment on his part and I feel too tired to bring myself to reply.”

  67.  #67Indigo on September 15, 2013 at 4:49 am

    I have the additional challenge where it kinda *does* feel like investment, yet I have to remind myself that without the good treatment and consistent communication and effort that I deserve, it really doesn’t mean anything.

  68.  #68Amanda on September 15, 2013 at 4:53 am

    I’m feeling insightful today. So, MikeCD (the guy who reconnected with me after 6 months) txted last night to firm up a meeting this week. (we’ve never met) It felt good to get a confirmation and clarification since our last communications 6 months ago were only via email and txt for a couple days and never went anywhere. I stayed open and was an invitation. He sent a goofy pic of himself (he’s out of town for work) and I resisted the urge to say something sarcastic, instead I just said “Lol. Cute”. I think I forget sometimes how very little guys get complimented on their appearance. He stepped it up with trying to nail down an exact time and place for the meeting and I told him to choose. I was up for anything. Thanks to the sweet ladies who reminded me to just stay open. Also this post about trust helped me feel confident and not afraid. I trust myself. He’s a nice guy, a good prospect as you might say, but not the end of the line if he ends up not working out…so why all the fuss about every single text and communication. I need not be perfect, and when I do what feels right to me, I can’t go wrong. After the last debacle with my most recent ex, trust has come up as a trigger for me…and not trusting men, trusting myself. I have realized that I was trusting myself and my instincts in that relationship but then doubted myself after when it didn’t work out. Trusting yourself in a relationship doesn’t guarantee it will work out, it guarantees you won’t end up with the wrong guy and that your heart has been protected no matter what happens. Big idea…I love it

  69.  #69Amanda on September 15, 2013 at 5:00 am

    Oooh, I do have a question for any of you dear ladies that have some thoughts.
    CDing…I got it, I accept dates from any (resonable) guy that asks. Even if I’m not all that interested. But the issue is that a lot of guys ask. Last week I have four dates…two today and two wednesday. (I like two meetings in one day…one outfit, one blow dry, etc. Ha ha)
    Anyway, When do I unload guys in the rotation? Specifically, there is a guy I started going out with in June. ElecCD…We’ve both been busy and I will admit that I blew him off when I focused too much energy on the ex for a few weeks) But he’s hung around and whereas he is a nice guy and we get along well, I’m just not feeling it. We’ve had about four dates and I’ve got so many guys out there that I’m more interested in that have asked me out and I just don’t have time for him.
    There is no one guy that is standing out right now. Two that are decent prospects but just getting started and one that just contacted me that I would like to meet. Is it time to tell ElecCD that I am not interested or am I supposed to keep him in the rotation. Anyone have any experience on what works best in CDing…if I’m supposed to accept dates with every guy that asks even if I’m not interested, I’ll have to quit my job!

  70.  #70Daria on September 15, 2013 at 6:10 am

    Indigo I feel smily signing on today remembering that you offered to host me if im ever in your area 🙂 I feel loved yay

  71.  #71Daria on September 15, 2013 at 6:17 am

    Syreena – im feeling frustrated and misunderstood… the process for me feels nothing like denial or blanking something out, if anything its like finally feeling some huge feelings in myself and becoming MORE alive, it feels awesome…

    i dont want to ‘explain’ this and I feel frustrated being perceived (even by myself) as insisting that someone else (such as you for example) ‘should’ do this or have the same experiences

    the experience for me feels like powerful change and relief and such ‘incredibleness’ … i want so much (grovely pleady energy feeling ) to feel heard for this

    i feel sad thinking of having felt unheard often about my powerful experiences in my family life

  72.  #72Amanda on September 15, 2013 at 6:25 am

    Veronica…I agree. It is so difficult to get past a relationship where they did do everything right and their actions were what you needed and expected. I too had one like that. Very giving, very committed to me, very focused on me…and stressed how hurt he had been before by someone and how he didn’t want to go through that again…then Poof…he was gone.
    Thanks for your words…I don’t understand and I don’t know. That is what we must do.
    It is always a possibility to run into a guy like that. And boy do I wish I could find them out quickly. But it is also so very rare. Most guys aren’t that deceptive. They may say things, they may open up, they may treat you well and then disappear…but most won’t make such a huge emotional investment in you and then disappear. So don’t fear it and expect it from everyone you meet. Next time you hear “Ï Love you” just hear it and look at the big picture. If this is Love, are his actions really showing it or is he acting out Love in his way…not a way that FEELS right to you. I don’t know…the best thing is to keep you heart safe until you are sure. And trust that you will protect yourself and not be devastated if it happens again.

  73.  #73Amanda on September 15, 2013 at 6:31 am

    Why must we wait for our heart to heal before we open up again? Isn’t it more brave to dust it off and proudly display your wounds?

  74.  #74Sallythatgirl on September 15, 2013 at 6:39 am

    Thank you ladies! Definitely some food for thought in your replies! I really appreciate it!
    FW, I do stay busy but he works from home and I am in fitness so the time blocks during the week days are there to hangout.And we are neighbors so we are close…I could just say I am staying at the gym though. I agree with you about labeling it as a booty call would be harsh and not a positive move. You nailed it about fear addressing it…something for me to ponder thank you.
    About this post… I don’t have any men giving me tangible gifts I am uninterested in! Where are they?!? I prefer kindness and acts of service anyway. I asked a guy to help me lift a weight the other day at work.”what’s in it for me?” he asked, I blinked and looked at him blankly for an uncomfortable amount of time before I replied,”my gratitude.” he might have grumbled something but he was quick to get up and do it. Expectations are never good…

  75.  #75ArabianLove on September 15, 2013 at 7:38 am

    Morning Ladies !

    @ Amanda 69
    you are good every guy that I am not interested in I have blown off … telling him im not ready for anything yet ! I am taking it slow with the guys I do like too but still… anyways … 2 dates one day keeps you busy and keeps you focused good on you!!!
    I think though if you have I guess enough guys in your rotation then pick the one that you see as best potentials … doesnt mean it will work out anyways .. you can maybe still meet up with the other guys but less often … I dont know what your are actually ”supposed” to do though

  76.  #76ArabianLove on September 15, 2013 at 7:47 am

    @ Amanda 72 : Me too … it just happened 2 weeks ago ! I dont understand it. I guess i put pressure on him and he wasn’t ready. He’s back online but changed his profile from wanting long term … to nothing serious.

    Lol makes me laugh… but you know what he might have need me in a way to show him he wasnt ready ?

  77.  #77ArabianLove on September 15, 2013 at 7:51 am

    Elsie – I don’t see what the struggle is here. How about simply circular dating them both and see what GS actually does. Not what he says he will do 🙂 !

    What do you think ?

  78.  #78Amanda on September 15, 2013 at 8:19 am

    Oh…good to hear I’m not the only one who has met that guy!!! and also thanks for the thoughts on CDing. I do like ElecCD but it’s just not there and I give myself a hard time about not giving the “awkward’ guy a chance. I think two dates is a chance…this guy has had four. I feel at this point I’d know if there was something.

  79.  #79Emerson on September 15, 2013 at 8:23 am

    Hi sirens
    I feel thankful for people who have helped me so much.
    I also feel it is hard to accept help sometimes.

    I feel like i may delete some old friends/people from my Facebook that I never talk to and when I see their posts I feel alienated because they don’t include me. I feel guilty doing this but it’s taking care of me!

  80.  #80Amanda on September 15, 2013 at 8:31 am

    Got some good info from an ex on mine today

    We dated a few times, he came on very strong, we had a nice time, but then announced he was dating his ex-wife and me. I said no…That’s just too creepy to me. The relationship ended and we remained friends. Over the past three years we have become very good friends (his thing with his ex wife lasted about 4 weeks) and I thought I would share with you guys what he told me today about his thoughts on dating…might provide some perspective

    Guys are just as scared a us. They get hurt just as much. they feel as much pain. They feel rejected just as much (If not more than us) The one main difference is that they (usually) don’t internalize it, they don’t obsess over it and they certainly don’t think there will never be any other girl in the world as good as the last.

    I’ve been friends with him and he’s called me about a girl or two that has dumped him and he’s right…he gets hurt, he feels rejection, he wants to know WHY? WHAT HAPPENED? But then he lets it go very quickly.

  81.  #81Amanda on September 15, 2013 at 8:38 am

    Oops forgot to add another great tidbit that the ex/now friend told me…
    Guys DO NOT mind saying whatever it is they know will work to get what they want. They will generally feel very little remorse about this. Good guys don’t necessarily say it to just get you into bed, they’ll do it just to get you to like them, even if they’re not sure they like you. They really do see words as just words. They are looking for approval from as many women as possible. So, remember when he tells you about how he’s never met anyone like you and how great this new relationship is…This is usually just something to get you to like them as quickly as possible. It is very important to a guy that he feels like every girl he runs across is madly in love with him. With no regard to the thought that making a girl fall in love with you and then dumping her may be very hurtful to her. It’s just not in their thinking. When I asked him how he could think this way (He’s actually a very caring guy) He said…I wanted her to fall for me and then I could relax and see if I liked her. It’s safer that way. Why waste time on a girl who isn’t madly in love with me…I never told her I was in love with her…so what’s the big deal?
    Ugh. scary!

  82.  #82ArabianLove on September 15, 2013 at 8:45 am

    Very interesting Amanda !

  83.  #83Emerson on September 15, 2013 at 8:47 am

    69 amanda well you have a good dilemma there girl! Lol I feel encouraged and inspired by how many CDs you have!
    Very impressive. The guy you’re not interested in I don’t know if you need to give him the friend speech I may just become more unavailable and wait for him to drop off… But that’s probably not the best way to communicate (or lack of communicating actually) I’m always learning though…

  84.  #84Emerson on September 15, 2013 at 8:49 am

    Oy vey, that sounds atrocious!
    I hope most men are not like that!

  85.  #85ArabianLove on September 15, 2013 at 8:49 am

    My ex of 2 years asked me if I was single … so i told him I had dated someone for the last 5 months … Not sure if that was the right thing to do … Hmmm anyways … it was the truth

  86.  #86Amanda on September 15, 2013 at 9:04 am

    Actually when you really think about it, it’s not too much differently than the way most people think. We al tend to want people to like us and will tend to do what wew think will make them like us. Whats different for guys is that they don’t feel any remorse for doing it. They are taking care of themselves and they assume you should be taking care of yourself. My friend is actually a really nice guy…better than most. He’s just being honest. Guys just don’t sit around and think early in a relationship if you are going to get hurt. It’s them first…you second in the beginning stages. And ya know what…that’s a great way to think. Me first…you second. I’m gonna do that

  87.  #87T-Girl on September 15, 2013 at 9:12 am


    I do not envy you one bit in your situation. I see you have received many great opinions here already. I have not been in the same situation but I have been in one where there was lots of drama, which admittingly I was attracted to at the time though it gave me many sleepless nights. It is also the one that brought me to this website. Now I am in a relationship that is EASY, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I wish that for everyone as I feel my life is 1000x times better.

  88.  #88Femininewoman on September 15, 2013 at 9:48 am

    Good to see you T-Girl

  89.  #89Emerson on September 15, 2013 at 10:09 am

    Hi t-girl!!!

    Amanda I hear what you’re saying, it makes sense! In fact now that I ponder it, I feel that it’s easier to relax and see what happens when I know the guy likes me so you are right I guess we all do that to some degree, I just never fleshed it out that way ….

  90.  #90Emerson on September 15, 2013 at 11:06 am

    I’m off to enjoy my day outdoors. I just cut my finger slicing an avocado (I’m ok) so I have a giant band aid on my finger! Not so pretty! Haha it’s ok… Off to enjoy the sun…
    Have a blessed day sirens !!!

  91.  #91Daria on September 15, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    ate great today… thank you Daria!

    gona do some vacuuming of my bed (tryna get rid of teh lil parasites that have accumulated in the house… eeesh it felt frustrating past few weeks

    i know i can expect them tonite as i havent gotten a chance to wash my pillow and cover tonite

    but not as strong as usuall since both are hypo-allergenic

  92.  #92Daria on September 15, 2013 at 12:03 pm

    feeling yummie with all the great food i ate and the plan to get the great organic anti bug spray tomorrow and a new detergent

  93.  #93Daria on September 15, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    also excited as i found an over the counter thyroid supplement that i will try… yay energy!

  94.  #94Syreena on September 15, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    Daria, it now feels best for me to leave how if the Katie Byron work was a good experience for you then I hear it was good for you.

    My experiences were different.
    Some of the work made sense to me and felt good and some felt awful and made no sense. I put this down to the way the work was worked through was inconsistent, so I then had an inconsitent experiencem one good one bad. So it now feels best to me to stay away from any of the work that was approached, delivered and worked through, the way it was in the link provided on the last thread.

    Up to others what they find helpful and if it works for them.

  95.  #95Dominique on September 15, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    Amanda – 81 – This is absolutely not true about most men, no more true than it is about most women. Some men will do this just as some women will.

    The more you get clear within yourself, heal and release your stuff, the easier it will be intuit this kind of ploy in others and thus avoid interaction let alone entanglement.

  96.  #96Dominique on September 15, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    Now they may emphasize their good points while minimizing what they think is not so good, just as women will, but this isn’t lying which is what I see the other as being.


  97.  #97Elsie on September 15, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    From the previous post I want to say…

    #260 – FW – THANK YOU. Amazing post to me. I appreciate your time to write it and you are absolutely right.

    I had a wonderful date with CollegeCD last night and he spent the night and we had a great time, a LONG talk about us and a LOT about GS. He said that he wants me to be sure, and he doesnt want me to go back and date him, but if I needed to then he wouldnt say no, because CollegeCD wants me to be with him forever, and doesnt want me to have any doubt. He said he needs me to know for sure – so whatever I have to make that happen. OMG – seriously? After hearing that – it was amazing, and he is so amazing. He texted me all day until the date, and then we just hung out and talked and laughed for hours, its so easy with him. We woke up this morning and started out the day by laughing. Literally, we woke up and smiled and started laughing. So. Easy.

    #355 @Sirinity – OMG. I laughed out loud at your post. I could see someone doing this: You know in the movie when the heroine is about to do something ” Aw NOOO” , when you drop the popcorn and cringe, tense and unbelieving on the edge of your seat, ” She is not about to fall for that old one is she?” Yep , well thats what it felt like over here reading this latest drama. It does feel good that you recognise the dramatic qualities.

    LOVE LOVE LOVE that. Thank you – it really helped me!!!!!! Then you wrote:……

    What is romantic love all about ?? Well I believe it has to be in front of you and operational in the present tense to be real. You were happy and excited and thrilled with CollegeCD until the other one made yet another promise. OK it was more than previously, but just idle words. Old sad parts of your heart were probably over joyed GS finally admitted his feelings, but having feelings is a long long way from a loving relationship with a women. Many people can’t do it.

    Yes…Yes…1000 times yes. You are 100% right.

    I’m hoping that the ending of the dramatic Elsie movie is coming to an end.

    I did test the waters and see if GS would text me a bunch this weekend, he didnt. I guess there you have it. In the meantime, CollegeCD is so overwhelmingly awesome, seriously I Have no idea what I did to deserve such a fantastic guy.

    Also….#63 Veronica – thank you for this post: Here is this man that i was so ‘into’ who turns up on my doorstep and says the words of what I wanted so much for us to have. It feels like relief: he has the capacity to grow (maybe) and feel(maybe) and treasure what we had (maybe). I’m elated by his small step up which seems huge against the background of arduous and grindingly slow moves to actions of love on his part to manifest a real open relationship. It seems like a miracle and I could almost believe that so much is possible now because at least he gets it. Only now I’m not so sure – comparing one man’s actions that exist in reality to another man’s potential for action doesn’t feel like a real comparison. And yet I’m comparing and I feel the slip back into the imaginary. I’m again on his sense of time and that doesn’t mean because he’s ready that he’ll actually be capable of the relationship I need. Wanting a relationship with him for so long has deflected my attention from realising that at best this is his interview/application to be a CD.

    I think I may actually say some of this to GS. I think it will help me and him, so THANK YOU.

    Thank you all. 🙂

  98.  #98Millie on September 15, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    @97 Elsie—

    I think what CollegeCD said and did for you this wknd was amazing! It reminds me of my parent’s story and I will share it with you…

    My mom got married when she was very young, to her high school sweetheart. During the marriage, her husband was very good to her, but she had a wandering eye. She fell head over heels for another man who was married and 10 yrs older. (She sees this similar attraction to older men in me.) The man promised to leave his wife and she promised to leave her husband. Well, she did, but he didn’t. One time when his wife was out of town, she was riding in the car with him to his house. He pushed her head down and told her to duck. At that moment she felt humiliated and realized he wasn’t going to leave his wife. Unfortunately her own marriage was broken by that point and she had to start over.
    Fast forward a few years..she met who would be my father. At first glance she dismissed him. He thought she was out of his league and didn’t pursue it. A year went by of some small interactions here and there, they were both a part of my aunt’s theatre at the time. Then one night at a dinner party they connected and within a month he asked her to marry him. She said she wanted to live together first and my father said, No, the next woman I live with is going to be my wife. At the time she also felt a tie to her first husband, as if unfinished business were there. She had always wanted to repair things with him and told my father she had doubts and couldn’t leave that door ajar. He told her, similar to what CollegeCD told you, to go. That if she was to be his wife, he wanted her to be 100% with him and not having doubts about another man. He said he would be willing to wait for her to find out, and if she came back to him, there would be no looking back, but if she didn’t, well..then he knew it wasn’t right. He had such strength and trust to say that to her, and also respect for himself. My mom left and went to her first husband, quickly realized–what am I doing here? and that the connection btwn them had dissipated. She went back to my father that same night and not to sound cliche, but they’ve been together ever since….

    When a man has that strength to let you go so you can realize that true happiness for yourself, that is amazing. He put your needs first. He wants you to be sure. I feel that that in itself speaks volumes about his character. GS let himself go, he stepped back, CollegeCD is stepping up and letting you have that space to figure things out. The difference is tremendous. xoxo

  99.  #99Millie on September 15, 2013 at 3:24 pm

    @Indigo 57–

    Thank you for your insight. I believe that may be true about me, as I seem to attract unavailable men. At the moment I feel surrounded by them. I think it goes back to the discussion of men being a mirror. I also see a deep desire for a relationship in myself and feel very open and honest when I am in the presence of men. I know that I don’t want friends with benefits and lately I hear myself saying that to men so much more often. This man in particular–we had kissed at a party and fooled around a bit (no sex) , then he text me the next day saying to “call him if I want to have some fun.” I wrote a post about this awhile ago, I’m not sure if you read it. I explained to him I don’t want FWB and sorry if I misled him, I was having fun in the moment. He ended up asking me on a date, which I thought went well. When I saw him the other night is when he let me know I seemed to “keep him at arms length” and he felt like I expected him to be a jerk. Looking back, maybe I was keeping my distance because I don’t want just a physical relationship and I felt/feel scared that when he says “I’ve been thinking about you all week,” what I hear is “I’ve been thinking about f*cking you all week.” That is my own twisted mind. But I can’t relax 100% if I feel like deep down that is what he is seeking. But on the other hand, if your dating someone, of course you want to sleep with them…. So I’m not sure. I guess I need reassurance that the connection runs deeper…

  100.  #100Amanda on September 15, 2013 at 3:26 pm

    Dominique #95
    To be honest My post may have come out harsh, I have several guy friends in the dating world and they are all basically nice guys. What’s interesting is that people have read it as “malicious’ Not true at all. it has more to do with not thinking. They just do not in the beginning of relationships put as much emphasis on the outcome as women do. They speak as they are feeling in the moment and speak what will get them the reaction they are hoping for…and if later it doesn’t work out they don’t really see why the words they said were taken so seriously. It’s not meant to be mean…it’s just that they are not as ‘feeling’ as women are and when the feeling goes away they feel bad that they have to let you down, they just don’t see why women put some much stock in the words that were spoken.

  101.  #101Zia on September 15, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    Amanda – what you said about men is something i’ve heard from a few male dating coaches. they will try and get away with doing the least amount of work to get the best result. so if we as women allow them to get by with just texting or the bare minimum, that’s all they’ll do.

    it’s just a male thing – greatest reward via minimal effort. and i think females also do a lot of “saying what we think we want them to hear/see to get them to like us”. I know I did!!

  102.  #102Dominique on September 15, 2013 at 3:40 pm

    I see Amanda, and thank you for clarifying. Yes I can understand this aspect.

    And this is also partly why I encourage all women to pay attention to the actions and not so much the words. And by actions, I don’t just mean doing things for you, such as dinners out, checking your tires, and so on. I also mean how he looks our for you, how he looks at you, takes care of you, touches you, and so on.

    How do you FEEL in his presence? Safe, at ease, peaceful, loved, cared for? Or are you relying on words to get you through while you feel nervous, anxious.


  103.  #103Luzydel on September 15, 2013 at 3:44 pm

    I hang out with SD, he triggers my anger so much! I hung up on him when I started to get frustrated… Ugh! he was nice enough to put gas in my car because I didn’t want him to come over my place so we met closer to him. Just didn’t want to end in bed with him.

    This man triggers me like no other man has, I dunno if that is a good thing or not! He likes to get me things and help me, he has been clear on what he wants. I dunno I am feeing so messed up that I don’t know what I want… maybe because I haven’t experience it yet?

  104.  #104Luzydel on September 15, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    captainCD on the other hand is nonstop texting. Not gonna suggest to see him in anyway! if he wants to see me it has to be his idea! Had another man but he suddenly stopped communication, so I have two kinda cd’s lol

  105.  #105Zia on September 15, 2013 at 4:22 pm

    oooh dominique

    “How do you FEEL in his presence? Safe, at ease, peaceful, loved, cared for? Or are you relying on words to get you through while you feel nervous, anxious.”

    this was pretty much my last relationship!

  106.  #106Amanda on September 15, 2013 at 4:50 pm

    Dominque #120

    Yes, quite a distinction…actions versus reactions. I thought about this the other day. Dated a guy that immediately wanted to start doing things around my house…fixing stuff, changing light bulbs, etc. All male actions. All things that make a guy feel like a guy…much like for women cooking a meal for a guy. How many times have I cooked for a guy that I wasn’t in love with. I like cooking, makes me feel good…I see now where in their mind it may have meant more. Like I must really like them to cook for them. Not always the case. So I reinvented the theory as “‘reactions” How does he react to my mood, my opinions, my words, my feelings? Those are the actions I am more focused on. Does he react in a way that makes me feel safe and secure. Does he make me feel good and warm.
    Btw…the guy that wanted to immediately do everything around my house also unceremoniously dumped me via txt. But he did take care of a gutter problem I was having, so not a total loss.

  107.  #107Amanda on September 15, 2013 at 4:56 pm

    Emerson #89
    Agreed. When we stop seeing guys as the enemy and just see that for what they are it is a much more simple situation. And while girls put more emphasis on words..(but he said he loved me…he said he has never felt this way, etc.) guys just don’t focus so much on that in the beginning. To be honest, I’ve had many male friends call me asking those same questions about a girl that dumped him..but just not nearly as often as my girlfriends. Rori Raye says in one of her videos….Guys are lonely people. I think that is very true. But that loneliness and the way the world has trained them to be makes them complicated creatures. Willing to do just about anything to get a girl to like them…and also able to turn away from that same person very quickly without much thought. We as women focus on the guys we were dumped by…what about all the guys we may have hurt inadvertently on our own journey to find Mr Right. No one sits on a forum and discusses that.

  108.  #108Elsie on September 15, 2013 at 5:16 pm

    #98 – @Millie – WOW. What an amazing story!!! I love it! Well, I have thought all day, and ended up even talking to my mom, which is unheard of. I will tell you that after last night, and the way CollegeCD was, and what he has texted me today and the feeling I have about him…..I just cant imagine going back to GS. Man, I cant even believe I’m saying that. but you know, he had an opportunity this weekend to text me and connect to me somehow and he didnt take it. I actually texted GS over something significant. We texted a bit and that was it. Nothing more. I now know that I dont think GS will ever be able to give me the words of affirmation and quality time that I need to be happy. Wow, life is funny.

    I am strong now. But when I am in GS’s presence, I cave and crumble. I get sucked back into all those emotions. I’m going to try to be strong tomorrow at work. Thank you all again for your amazing support and insight – I honestly dont know what I would od without you!

  109.  #109Amanda on September 15, 2013 at 5:33 pm

    Emerson…I assure you I wrote the most eloquent reply to your post…and somehow it did not show up. Suffice it to say, agreed…it’s just a simple thought and it makes sense that we all do it. On some level or another. But too long to retype and I’m off to a movie. Hope you are enjoying you day outdoors

  110.  #110Lisa on September 15, 2013 at 5:43 pm

    @Veronica 62 Thanks so much!!! Yes, I think I did save myself six months… I also have seen since he called that I again overlooked things.. like the fact that he kept telling me he had anger spells, had fights in the past… has to walk away before he explodes at times. for me being a survivor of domestic violence..not someone I should get involved with!!!… so yes, I’m getting keener on picking them out.. and moving on… Thanks for noticing and I feel good reading your post <3

    I know my process gets deep and dark at times, those of the times of my greatest learning, unfolding… yummy stuff those dark days… brings me to more awareness… I love it…

    I'm for some reason attracting much younger men… ?? again… not sure why… 10 years, 23 years younger… I have a man that is 27 e-mailing me… hummmm

    I had a session with a healer, she said my prana is way low… I can tell… the depression is from being so exhausted all the time… and having to continue on…but good news is..that she said If I focus on yoga more, with deep breathing that should help…and working on taking care of me first… and not giving a f8ck about things.. I agree.. I need to not give a f8ck and life might be easier…

    I remember FW saying that she didn't give a f8ck ( correct me if I misunderstood) … I need to do that too… I tend to care too much about people, my emotions, and my responsibilities, and finding a life partner…

    I went to get kava tonight to treat me… help my pain ( psoas and back) and I had a double….. lots of men in there.. I practiced sitting with my body open… that's all I had energy to do…


  111.  #111Amanda on September 15, 2013 at 5:52 pm

    Emerson #83
    For some reason I do have a great deal of CD options. LOL…Not always a good thing. For instance…50% are unbearable 15% cancel, 10% are cute and nice but never call again, 10% are eh, ok, 4% or good enough for a second date, 1% are worth a third date. None have obviously worked out long term. Pretty sad odds. But I pick myself up and go on.

    This is an actually scientific evaluation of the last year of my life. LOL

  112.  #112Amanda on September 15, 2013 at 5:56 pm

    A new CD is in the rotation. Date on Wednesday. Someone on here typed something and I apologize i cannot remember who..maybe you’ll recognize yourself and speak up. But I was actually spending significant time worrying about this meeting…and someone wrote that I don’t need to be perfect, this doesn’t need to be the perfect date and he doesn’t need to be the ”one” It just will be what it will be and I can relax. I’m paraphrasing….but nice to hear…Thanks Ladies

  113.  #113Femininewoman on September 15, 2013 at 6:03 pm

    Elsie I hope you stick by yourself

  114.  #114Emerson on September 15, 2013 at 6:14 pm

    Sirens I have noticed toward the end of my day I feel blue. I have been going to bed early. Sorry for all my rambling a bit it helps to vent on here.

  115.  #115Emerson on September 15, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    110 amanda i like your style 😉
    Too funny, and I like your scientific breakdown of the statistics!
    I’ve had some promising CDs pod and also some that seemed promising have turned out to be incompatible with me such as exoticCD. I think he may be bisexual. I’m not into that it’s out of my comfort zone. Lol
    Ah yes I pick myself up and move on as well!!

  116.  #116Amanda on September 15, 2013 at 8:11 pm

    So a thought I had tonight at the movies about my most recent ex..Backstory….totally into me…outrageously expensive present..then poof gone without even a good bye. Just stood up three days later and after I inquired, txted that he was back with his ex…(Which I’ve discovered was a lie…just another girl he had just met)
    Now, yeah yeah I know that guys like this exist…I’ve been lucky enough to never meet one quite thisbad..but oh well. Anyway I realized I seem to be focused on the rudeness of it. I find that sometimes I do that. I obsess over some slight someone paid me as if there is something wrong with me and they used their rudeness talents on me merely because I am not good enough for politeness, As if, if I were a different person and they were going to dump me this guy would have be soooo much nicer. As if my own failing brought this out in him. When in fact this sort of rudeness is totally on him and when he was done with me he did it very rudely. It isn’t specific to me. How one handles delicate situations like this is usually a pattern…just as I will always honk my car horn at a really bad driver (which yes, I know is rude) I do not stop to find out if they are worthy or not of my rudeness, I’m just rude. Could be the queen of England and I’d honk.
    This made me feel a bit more peaceful.

  117.  #117Lisa on September 15, 2013 at 8:14 pm

    Zia @ Amanda

    “what you said about men is something i’ve heard from a few male dating coaches. they will try and get away with doing the least amount of work to get the best result. so if we as women allow them to get by with just texting or the bare minimum, that’s all they’ll do.”

    Sooo true! and I think sometimes on here we tend to look at ourselves too much and forget that men have their things they do too… and yes, that is my experience… and until we stand on our bridge.. and don’t move they will continue to do as little as possible…

    They can also read our energy.. for instance.. with “R” I could tell he isn’t a man that normally opens car doors for women.. but he did me.. and I could tell that he didn’t want to continue, by making comments about the door.. and in my mind, I was saying men open car doors for me, when I go out with them.. he picked up on it and did…

    so for me it was a great test, to see if, my energy and thoughts would inspire .. and I’m learning….

    opening car doors for me is a great turn on.. and with “M” he did it, 99% of the time…. and he understood it was foreplay for me… I loved it..

    so I’m learning to up my standards, use my energy, and my thoughts to inspire and to expect more from a man and not to give big returns until the action meets the deed.. not a give to get thing, but not a let them get by with as little as possible ( being lazy) either.. not in a manipulative way… Ok not sure if that made sense..

    Oh dear almost lost my reason for being here… the 10 year younger guy texted me today, ask me to meet him, I told him I had plans.. he texted me again, ask me for a night cap, I’m not falling for it… then he calls me ( ok more like it) asks me to go listen to jazz.. ok but here is the thing, I’m not desperate… so I’m not going to jump into clothes, wash my hair again to meet this man.. I’m just not going to bend… it wasn’t easy… .. he ask me to come over here, I said, no offense, but I don’t ask me over, that I don’t know… he paused… I paused..he said well I feel like I know you.. I paused.. he said do you have wine, I said, no I don’t… I paused.. he said well come down to meet me to listen to jazz.. I’m just wanting to make friends.. I said, I’m totally cool with meeting new friends.. and I’m settled in for the night, maybe another time.. he said ok, I’ll call you about next weekend.. I said, that would be great…

    So, as much as I need to circle date, I also don’t need to act desperate.. and if I’d jumped into clothes to go down to meet him, I’d be acting desperate… and so funny how I was being tested.. come to my house.. wow… for real.. I’ve never met him… but yeah this whole thing about getting by with as little as possible for the greatest return… totally!!!

    @Amanda yeah my c’dater don’t really amount to much either, that is why it is tiring… and sometimes not worth it.. with all I have to go through to get there..

    Night all!

  118.  #118Lisa on September 15, 2013 at 8:39 pm


    I can remember back when “M” and I were talking about stuff for 2hrs and you felt so sad, and wanted that. I remember saying, don’t be jealous it might not turn out that way… it didn’t.. he left. I realize now that we were having to have the long talks b/c he wasn’t 100% in the relationship and it was his way of creating distance…by creating drama…

    Now fast forward.. you have CollegeCd… I don’t know the whole story of how you two reconnected after GS… ( I was caught up with stuff with “M”).. but I can tell you this…

    I’m so desperately wanting to find a man that puts my needs first, loves me more, and I wake up smiling with.. and it is easy ( not of course all the time) but easy… I’m not jealous but I’m looking for that, what I’m trying to say is… that what you appear to have is rare!!… and If it were me… I’d hang on to it like it was precious/rare and priceless… but that is just me…

    @Millie that is a wonderful story… you have a wonderful background for an amazing love story of your own… I know it will happen for you…


  119.  #119Emerson on September 15, 2013 at 9:27 pm

    I feel hopeless of meeting “the one”….
    It feels contrived and unreal. Why don’t I believe it? I feel scared to be alone. I’m ok and I can survive but I feel akward and lonely. I am so tired of this feeling..

  120.  #120Indigo on September 15, 2013 at 9:32 pm

    Millie 99,

    Yes I did read that post of yours. I wondered if what I said would be helpful to you, as it was so helpful to me! Yay you for turning down friends with benefits.

    I have made the same decision in my life. I think I had to experience it before I could really evaluate it and say, that is NOT what I want in my life.

    I don’t want crumbs, I want the whole cake, and nothing less will do.

    Great story about your parents!

  121.  #121Indigo on September 15, 2013 at 9:33 pm


    I feel very relieved and happy for you.

  122.  #122Zia on September 15, 2013 at 9:34 pm

    I’ve realised that I’m not capable of having a FWB deal. Thankfully I’ve realised this before I actually have done it. I know that what I want is to have that connection with someone, and I don’t just want meaningless sex.

    Feels good to have worked it out. Literally within a couple of weeks of setting that intention an opportunity came up for it and I realised that no, it actually isn’t what I want.

  123.  #123Zia on September 15, 2013 at 9:36 pm

    I realised that as much as I really want to meet “the one”, I have been pushing good men away when they turn up! Every time i feel like I’ve worked on me and am ready, something else comes up that needs healing.

    I feel happy that I am finally content with it taking as long as it takes. In the meantime, keep using these nice men to practise being open and vulnerable.

  124.  #124Sirenity on September 16, 2013 at 12:07 am


    “I am strong now. But when I am in GS’s presence, I cave and crumble. I get sucked back into all those emotions.”

    Great , these are just old brain circuits triggering by a process of anchoring. The old emotions are “anchored ” to the patterns you set up before. If you want the emotion to change, you change the pattern , eg moving your lunch time , not going to his office area or whatever has become a pattern associated with him. Changing your phone number can help and its a giant step to take. Overall , a decision not to contact him at all will help soonest.

    I am sure you know this!

  125.  #125Ignis on September 16, 2013 at 3:38 am

    Hmn, my comments will not post? Maybe I wrote to much 🙂

    Hugs to you girls.

  126.  #126Ignis on September 16, 2013 at 3:40 am

    Definitely wrote too much, the short comment shows at once, and the long it, usually if it awaits moderation it says so, but not this time, so do not know why it disappears.

  127.  #127Amanda on September 16, 2013 at 4:47 am

    Loved this —-I remember saying, don’t be jealous it might not turn out that way… it didn’t.. he left. I realize now that we were having to have the long talks b/c he wasn’t 100% in the relationship and it was his way of creating distance…by creating drama…

    Reminds me that a red flag is a guy that creates inauthentic drama too early. Either drama of arguments or the drama of instant closeness and long discussions about ”us”. For me it has been a red flag that they need that excitement to feel anything. It usually also signals an equally quick and dramatic end. Granted there is a certain excitement in the early stages that makes you do and say things you normally wouldn’t but I think we can all tell the difference between real and overdone.
    Let me give you an example
    CDone-Told me a story about his sister’s husband. Probably a strange story that I wouldn’t share with just anyone, but it was told to me about two months after knowing him while he was on a long car drive to visit his family. It made sense in the moment and came up as we were discussing crazy relatives. Turns out he’s a normal guy with a normal dating history
    CDtwo-Told me on our 2nd date that he had a 16 yr old son he has never met, and that this girl was trying to trap him. Out of the blue, in relation to nothing we were speaking about. He was constantly telling me fairly outrageous secrets in the first four dates. He ended up skipping out on the relationship very abruptly and rudely.
    Listen…I’m all or closeness and shared secrets in a relationship…but I do feel there is usually something needy and desperate about someone who needs to do this constantly…instead of the relationship growing you start to feel like youre in therapy

  128.  #128Amanda on September 16, 2013 at 4:56 am

    Yes Yes Yes. Agreed with this.

    “I feel hopeless of meeting “the one”….
    It feels contrived and unreal. Why don’t I believe it? I feel scared to be alone. I’m ok and I can survive but I feel akward and lonely. I am so tired of this feeling..

    Contrived, unreal, awkward and lonely describes this perfectly.

    I’m gonna focus on those feelings today. Where else do I feel these emotions besides my dating life. I feel them at the office sometimes…but I don’t dwell on them there. I just laugh it off and move on…why can I not do that when I feel those emotions about my personal life. Why do they have so much power when it has to do with a relationship. Can I feel those emotions while dating in the same way I feel them at work? Or when I have to speak in public. Just as fleeting thoughts that I feel then forget about.
    Hmmm Thanks for the post

  129.  #129Dominique on September 16, 2013 at 5:02 am

    Amanda – 106 – 🙂

    Something to be said for clean gutters.


  130.  #130Lisa on September 16, 2013 at 5:15 am


    Yep! I’m hearing you! totally!

    “R” did that too, started sharing things way too early, wanting my empathy.. I didn’t fall for it..same with sex,making comments about thinking about me in the shower. umm 3rd date.. too soon for that.. then all of the sudden he calls and says he isn’t feeling it for me.. ( well I wasn’t feeling it at all) and that is fine.. b/c it was drama… for what I don’t know..but for sure not going to take me off my bridge..and as you say no therapist here.. 😉

    As long as I stay on my bridge… then the drama men will fall away, and hopefully a real man who is capable of real intimacy will come up and stand next to me… and be fully capable and ready for it..

    Awesome awareness for us both!!!

    Thanks for sharing!


  131.  #131Amanda on September 16, 2013 at 6:17 am

    Ok Ladies Need Advice today
    Backstory for those not following.
    NewCDCam-Connected on a dating site about 7 months ago. Emailed a lot then got number and txted prolifically for a day…then poof, gone. No biggie
    Reconnected last week, and this time I was a bit less responsive to the txts…but still open and an invitation. He set up a date with me for coffee Wednesday. Just got a txt from him that his daughter has a dentist appointment on Wednesday and he wants to know if I can reschedule or rain check? (oh boy do they use those kids as an excuse for everything)
    Since this is his first reschedule I am giving him a break and gave him other days that I am free.
    Here’s my question…if he doesn’t reschedule a day and has to ”let me know” Have I given him enough chances…should I just let this one go? I really feel like when he cancelled since he is the one with a tight schedule, he should have offered another day he was available…if feels like he’s just putting me on the ‘tarmac” waiting for the other planes to clear then I’ll get my chance.

  132.  #132Cris on September 16, 2013 at 6:31 am

    Hello Amanda! did you offer a lot of alternative dates or just a couple? anyway I would wait just to see how his response feels..

  133.  #133Amanda on September 16, 2013 at 6:33 am

    Lisa #129
    Oh…yeah and the Sweetheart nickname in the first few days. before our fifth date he texted me all these plans he had, fishing, swimming, shooting range, a party…Freaking five dates in one. And said well I gotta show my baby a good time. I was really put off by that Why don’t we say something or run away…why?????


  134.  #134Millie on September 16, 2013 at 6:34 am

    I went to a beautiful wedding last night…the couple was so happy! I’m happy for them, but I couldn’t help but wonder when my time will come, that I feel so far from it…I don’t want to come to an empty bed anymore.

    I like this guy that I’ve been chatting about, I know he is into me, but I also feel scared because he says he needs time to process his recent breakup. I feel myself wanting to “let go” and be close to him, but also feel tentative. I don’t want to get hurt…..I’ve been super honest with him, but at the same time I feel I’ve revealed too much of myself, if that makes sense. My fears, my insecurities, my “weirdness.” He seems to embrace it, but I interpret that as a sign of friendship and nothing more.

  135.  #135Amanda on September 16, 2013 at 6:39 am

    Cris #131
    Since we’re doing a coffee meeting around lunch time I said ‘If you can still do a 1pm meeting, I am open any day this week except Tuesday.”
    Haven’t heard back.
    I also think that if he doesn’t get back to me in a reasonable time I will probably not reschedule another date.
    Or is that being to harsh?

  136.  #136Amanda on September 16, 2013 at 6:43 am

    Btw Cris…thanks for helping. I’m not really focused on this guy…I’ve just started CDing a few months ago and still struggling with logistics…Who would have thought understanding and trusting your instincts and feelings would be so difficult. Figured I try to get some outside advice to help me concentrate my thoughts a bit.

  137.  #137Cris on September 16, 2013 at 6:45 am

    Amanda, I think he’ll get back 🙂

  138.  #138Cris on September 16, 2013 at 6:48 am

    … in a reasonable time (depending on your perception of “reasonable”), let’s say tomorrow at the latest as he already knows tomorrow is not possible

  139.  #139Amanda on September 16, 2013 at 7:01 am

    Cris #137
    Seriously…hmmmm. Ugh now I’m torn. Honestly since he sent it as a txt I can see not getting back within an hour or so, but you just cancelled a date, you seriously can’t be bothered to respond via txt within the same day? Even if just to say ok I’ll check my schedule and get back’with you.

  140.  #140Amanda on September 16, 2013 at 7:06 am

    Here’s how I feel about it. If you are really interested in meeting someone and have to legitimately cancel a FIRST meeting, you immediately try to schedule another day. It just doesn’t feel right to me that he may get back to me tomorrow. he’s wanting to do this during work hours…by tomorrow he is aware that the Thursday, Friday options we have may not be available anymore.

  141.  #141Cris on September 16, 2013 at 7:21 am

    Amanda, you are 100 % right, your agenda is not stati, sorry

  142.  #142Amanda on September 16, 2013 at 8:12 am

    Agreed Cris. He did get back and rescheduled for Thursday at 1. I still have some red flags with him besides this. But seeing as I’ve never met him, I’m going into this very open.
    His schedule is odd and he’s only been divorced for about 7 months. Short marriage (4 years) but still a red flag for me.
    I’m doing my best here to trust my instincts and feel good about not hanging on to someone who doesn’t meet my needs.

  143.  #143Mercedes on September 16, 2013 at 8:32 am

    With regard to this post, I don’t understand what difference it makes if a guy has expectations or not. Men have bought me countless drinks and bought lots of dinners, etc. If they have expectations that something is going to happen if he buys me those things, how is that really my problem? Should I not accept because he wants something in return? Or should I maybe teach him that just because he wants or expects something in return doesn’t mean I’m going to give it to him?

    I wonder how his expectations of payment would make any difference at all to me. I wonder if I should have turned away those dinners and drinks and flowers, etc because of HIS expectations. That feels weird to me. I prefer to accept and receive and let a man deal with his own expectations. Not sure I would ever want to take on the responsibility of that.

    Oh well…different perspectives with regard to relationships I guess.

    Much Love,

  144.  #144Elsie on September 16, 2013 at 8:54 am

    @Lisa – Yes, what I have with CollegeCD is awesome, and fantastic, and easy. I love him.

    @Sirinity – Yes, you are 100% right. It is because I am hard-wired around him to be connected.

    After this weekend, I thought about the idea of losing CollegeCD and how that would feel. It was impossible to think about. I love him so much and he fulfills my needs in so many ways. I am so sad that GS wasnt able to meet my needs. But the reality is that he wasnt and isnt able to do so. He showed that by ending our texts on Sat. He was ‘FILLED UP’ as my friend said – with just a few texts. He is not able to read my emotional cues and see that I needed a lot more and needed him to really be present and available for me to keep talkinga nd texting. In the meantime CollegeCD is amazing and being everythin I ever wanted. I guess I just have to cut the circut that goes to GS. I now know that he can never be the man that I would need to be happy. He gave me a huge gift for a year and a half, and then he gave me a gift by saying that he wasnt able to do the kind of relationship that I would know that I need. I love him, but I am not in love with him anymore, and I do not want to share a life with him.

    Thank you all for helping me realize so much. Its been an amazing journey for me.

  145.  #145Elsie on September 16, 2013 at 8:55 am

    Hi Mercedes!!!!

    I’ve thought about you a lot in the past week. Your story about how J came back turned out to be mine. 🙂 But the difference is that I see that GS isnt the man for me. How are you doing!?

  146.  #146Mercedes on September 16, 2013 at 8:57 am

    Hi Elsie! I’m doing well…just living the dream. LOL! I’m happy to see you getting some clarity around things. Really wish you the best in life and the most happiness ever!! 🙂

    Much Love,

  147.  #147Veronica on September 16, 2013 at 9:39 am

    Amanda -72- I fully realize that this is all my stuff and that I’ll never really know what was happening for him. Also I feel so completely vulnerable, as in there is nothing I can do but trust the next time. And this deep vulnerability scares me so much along with not knowing. I think knowing that it’ll be a while before someone says that to me comforts me – hopefully enough time will pass. But yeah, it’s a great lesson in knowing that someone can walk away at any time. Thank you for your comforting words and for sharing.

    Elsie – 97 – : ) feeling a bit shy, don’t know what to say

  148.  #148Dominique on September 16, 2013 at 9:41 am

    Amanda – 130 – If you want to see him when and if he contacts you, then do. But don’t be waiting around for him which you’re not.

    Keep yourself busy with things you love to do, date if you want, and go by how you feel in the moment.


  149.  #149Veronica on September 16, 2013 at 9:42 am

    My body seems more sensitive in different ways than I thought. A week of not sleeping so well and some kind of mild allergic reaction to a cat and working hard has obviously left me tired but also not really capable of deep listening, the latter is new for me. I do like that I chose not to interact with many people but I am kind of floored how skewed things can get in my head when I’m just tired. Boo I feel bad – I thought BM’s response was half-hearted, this morning I read it again, and it’s much more considered than I thought. I feel bad that I might have misrepresented him here. I feel suspicious of myself that maybe by saying that I’m making it all okay. But then I want to give myself a hug because of my bumpy, wonky baby shuffle. I didn’t reply until I felt fresh and alert – quite thankful for taking care with my responses.

    How did this happen? My fear of betrayal running under everything and feeling dejected that maybe my pictures weren’t good at all (not sure why exactly I was thinking that)and my anxiety that my relationships with people I care about will dissipate and on and on and on. Sometimes these emotions are so powerful and I never know for sure how they’re really manifesting or what they really are. It’s beautifully mysterious but also quite alarming.

    And I’m still feeling embarrassed with not knowing my feelings fully, with being so skewed.

  150.  #150Indigo on September 16, 2013 at 9:55 am


    Why is he texting you to ask you out? Wouldn’t you prefer a phone call? 🙂 If it were me, I would, and I would say so.

    For me, cancelling a first date for a flim-flammy excuse is an amber flag. If it were me, I would leave it, and when he does contact you to set up another date, not be too accommodating but rather on terms that really suit you. Just a thought!

  151.  #151Amanda on September 16, 2013 at 10:11 am

    Thanks Idigo and Dominque. Yeah..I’m practicing going with how I feel. Agreed this is definitely an “amber’ flag. I’ll keep it in mind. He did call to set up the date and the text to reschedule was early this morning so I don’t know if he felt he shouldn’t call during business hours and he’s also out of town working…so not sure if he just got the info about having to cancel so he got to me in the quickest way possible. Again, he’s not a big deal to me, just one of many and we haven’t even met. I’m not being so strict that I will only communicate via voice with a guy. I actually think this is sort of what txt is for…the logistics of certain things that can be handled quickly while you are doing other things. I prefer to not have important life discussions this way. But first meeting rescheduling feels ok for txt.
    Now with that said, yup, I’m going with how I feel and txting as a primary form of communication and rescheduling dates are not acceptable.
    My reason for the post is that I sometimes have a tendency to either overlook big flags (cuz I tend to be a poor communicator myself) and/or I find that I am a rule follower and will unload someone too quickly because of some minor deviation from my ‘rules’ So I’m trying to find that balance.
    In this case, he got his one strike. Am letting it slide. But I’ll be sure to keep an eye on those flags!
    Thanks for your info.
    Oh and he did get back and we rescheduled. One rule I do not deviate from is that if they have to reschedule a first meeting they have to make alternate plans at the time they cancel or they are just not that interested and I move on. Maybe not true in all cases, but the odds are pretty good it is.

  152.  #152Lisa on September 16, 2013 at 10:31 am

    @Amanda I’m with Indigo…. I feel the same way..

    I prefer them ask me out via phone… and I tell them that…

    side note;

    I woke up happy today and laughing, just b/c I got a good nights sleep… I'm still feeling tired though… but I can see the healer was right, I just need sleep, rest and my happiness is there. I just need to find a way to get my life back to restful state…


  153.  #153MovingMagic on September 16, 2013 at 10:58 am

    Yay Elsie! I feel so excited for you and your personal journey!! 🙂

  154.  #154Dominique on September 16, 2013 at 11:41 am

    Veronica – 148 – It’s not so much difficult to know what your real feelings are, for you feel what you feel, YET it can be difficult figuring out where they’re coming from. In this case you feeling ultra-sensitive when exhausted.

    Very often what you feel doesn’t come from outside yourself. It comes from within. So when someone triggers you, questions to ask are – How am I feeling physically right now which could be causing me to see things which aren’t really there or maybe exaggerated? – What thoughts just went through me BEFORE whatever it is happened which triggered me? Were there negative or bad feeling thoughts, a memory which again caused me to see something which wasn’t really there or amplified something which is there? – Am I projecting my stuff onto another? Is this person maybe mirroring my stuff back to me?


  155.  #155Amanda on September 16, 2013 at 11:59 am

    Lol..Lisa…I think my posts are running late. He did ask out via phone…it was the rescheduling that took place via txt. It doesn’t bother me to handle logistics via txt…like I mentioned…that’s what I think txt is for. Especially during business hours and if it is info you want to get to someone rather quickly such as needing to reschedule something

    In this case this one ended up handling it well. Sent the txt asking to reschedule…I gave him another option and he confirmed that would work.

  156.  #156Amanda on September 16, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    oops hit send to soon. I wasn’t asking about txt communication…my concern was just whether or not I should expect him to reschedule immediately or not. Just trying out CDing in the past few months and I get too many date requests so was looking for advice on when to give up on someone if they cancel but don’t immediately reschedule. 🙂 Thanks for your time

  157.  #157Tereana on September 16, 2013 at 12:58 pm

    Hm…I met this man while out dancing on Saturday night. He wanted to go home with me, which was super awkward, because my friend was driving me. Lol. But I said no, firmly but gently, and made it be known that I just wasn’t comfortable with that.

    He called me the next day, and asked me out for coffee/lunch/dinner. Said he wanted to take me out. We set a time and a date and decided we would figure out the location later.

    Well, today, he calls me, and we started talking about the places that we could meet up. Then he stopped and asked me if I wanted to invite him to my place to give him food that I cooked.

    It threw me off so much that it took me a minute to figure out what he was asking. Then I said no. No, I was not ready for that.

    It’s making me feel scared. Like he’s moving too fast, and he wants a lot from me, and I feel tempted to just not engage with him further. I don’t want to make him wrong. He’s cute, and there was a lot of attraction there.

    And I feel torn. Because he’s not exactly the “caliber” of men that I normally date. Not that I usually screen for career or tax bracket, or whatever. But somehow I just usually end up going out with engineers, architects, wealthy, intelligent and successful men. They may not always decide to stay with me, but they are the ones I usually attract and go out with. (Well, okay, I get the occasional homeless guy who hits me up, too, which is always weird). So there’s a range, I guess. Lol. But this guy, I don’t really know his education level. His work at the moment is very “hands-on.” He’s a truck driver. He doesn’t even like computers. Haha. And I’m struggling with it, because I’m trying not to be judgmental, again. And yet, part of me is thinking – is he going to be able to keep up with me?

    And yet I want him to slow down. I’m trying to get where he is coming from. Men do like it when women “give” to them. Although, honestly, I’ve never had a man “invite” me to “give” to him. It’s kind of weird. I know I don’t have to agree to it, and I didn’t say yes. But now I’m reconsidering whether I want to pursue this at all, or even agree to see him again.

    He was on the right track. He was very complimentary toward me, telling me all the things about he that he liked. He took my phone number and he asked if he could kiss me. And I said yes. I also said yes to coffee. But we haven’t had coffee yet. I feel like, “One thing at a time.”

    I want to trust my gut, but maybe this isn’t my gut. Maybe this is fear talking that’s making me want to run away and not talk to him any more.

    I might need some outside siren perspective on this…

  158.  #158Violet on September 16, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    Hello, Ladies. I’d have to disagree with the premise that we are all gods. There is only one God and we are not Him. Violet

  159.  #159Violet on September 16, 2013 at 2:04 pm

    Hello, Ladies. It seems as though I am just now moving from a place of self-worth. Some past decisions were made from someone else’s perception. I feared them rejecting me, therefore; I would do and say things because I thought it would make them like me better.

    I had to get to the point where doing what was right for me was worth more than the possible loss of a friendship.

    Here’s an example of one decision I made: I was talking and doing things with a man who was and is separated from his wife. I am on a dating site and picked up on his profile, which he created three weeks after his separation.

    Can we all say, ‘RED’ flags; together!? I take responsibility for contacting him and deciding to talk and do things as ‘friends.’ Here comes the ‘kicker.’

    I asked him his thoughts on us going on a date. His reply was, ”I’m not ready for a relationship. I don’t know what I want”

    My reply to him: ”I’m not understanding your reasoning. You created a profile on a ‘dating site’ that says you are looking for, a ‘Long Term Relationship.”

    He totally avoided the statement by saying, ”I thought we were friends”

    The sad fact of the matter was that he displayed all the attributes of a passive aggressive person. These attrubutes came out more as we became more familiar with one another.

    Many more red flags followed to the point where I couldn’t stand myself for buying into all this crap with open eyes.

    The absolute best thing I did came from a place of self-worth and knowing I deserved more. I ended the relationship. Period.. No ‘second guessing.’

    He’s contacted me wanting to know why I haven’t replied to texts. I told him: ”I don’t feel like talking. I just want to be left alone to deal with life on my own terms.”

    This is all rather new for me. I now realize that I should have been even more straight-forward and blunt in my reply to him. My reason for saying this is because I don’t want to give the impression that there’s still an open door. It is what it is and I’m proud of myself for putting my happiness first.

    Thank you for reading this, Violet aka ‘Sweetie’

  160.  #160Amazed on September 16, 2013 at 3:34 pm

    I am still amazed but not in a good way now….last and first post was about me texting and letting him know how I felt and asking him what I should do. He responded by saying I definitely am not chasing him (I said that I had felt that I was…) and what did I mean what should I do???? That weekend we had the best evening…I felt happy, warm, cherished and safe.
    Now I am feeling the opposite and am so unsettled. I hate this feeling. His brother was coming to visit from overseas the following week. I knew they were then going to the US to visit a friend. I was fine with not seeing him for 3 weeks. I had a text from him last Wed. am from work, he wasn’t leaving until after he got off work on Thurs. So when I didn’t hear from him on Thurs. I expected that. When I didn’t hear from him all day Friday, ok…but then nothing all day Saturday and I was starting to feel concerned. (The longest he had ever gone without texting me before was 1 day, maybe 2 but he had a legitimate reason why – studying or working where there was no cell reception so I was fine with that) I texted him (was trying soo hard to lean back…) “hey..” Sat. evening. No response… it’s now Monday am. I am feeling very concerned ( I know…I shouldn’t but I was..) Sooo…I texted ” I am feeling concerned that I haven’t heard from you since Wed. am” 12 hours later (tonight) I get a ” I am in the USA” text….seriously!! I should have left him alone….I feel like crying, I feel hurt, upset and angry…please help me. I want to text him back but I really don’t know what to say…I don’t think I will…he can text me when he returns home…I am just feeling shocked as well because I thought he was more considerate than that. He wants us to be exclusive (as in he told me he wouldn’t want me kissing anyone else). I had met him online the beginning of July and we get along so well. He makes me feel so happy when I am with him, we do have a physical relationship as well which started on the 3rd date and then it eased into bf/gf from there….I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like CD’ing because it feels like cheating but I want to because I need to start fresh I feel with Rori’s advice and leaning back always..I want to curl up in a ball right now…I am so upset

  161.  #161Amazed on September 16, 2013 at 3:36 pm

    I really want to text him back and say I knew he was going away but didn’t realize that we weren’t going to be in touch at all….and WTF

  162.  #162Amazed on September 16, 2013 at 3:40 pm

    @ Tereana – I would be totally weirded out by him asking me to give him food…maybe you could say that you are feeling a little overwhelmed and that you could start by having coffee first (if you want to let him pursue you at all that is…)

  163.  #163Zara on September 16, 2013 at 3:46 pm

    Are All Men Out There Goons?
    Written by Rori Raye

    I just got this from Myralisa, and starting laughing out loud…and really – this is a serious question I’ll briefly answer at the end…

    “”Subject: Report on my success


    I purchased the Modern Siren and Have the Relationship You Want materials and followed them faithfully, watching multiple times, circular dating, trying new things and this is what I received:

    -Men who fall in love at first sight frequently and way too fast for comfort (like the first conversation)

    -Men who think they have to pretend to be in love in order to score fast

    -Men who love cartoons a little too much

    -Men who are still growing up

    -Men who need some cheese to go along with all of that whining they do

    -Men who are unable to pay for dates

    -Men who have no desire or capacity to provide for the woman who is ultimately their match

    -Men who seriously believe that I came from their rib

    -Men who seriously need a woman to submit to them to help them feel like a man (he should have that mastered)

    -Men who make love like a mindless hungry puppy dog swallows his dinner; without really tasting it at all and who have no capacity or desire for more

    -Men who are into autoerotic asphyxiation (I’m getting all choked up when I think of this one)

    -Men who love broken English

    -Men who have, oh let’s say, a lost limb, or other significant disorder and who purposefully don’t disclose this information for fear that they won’t be accepted if someone knew the real person

    -Men who have OCD, bipolar disorder, or another psychological disorder that is untreated and unresolved

    -Men who don’t think they are paranoid about the people who really are out to get them

    -Men who are in a sex offender database

    -Men who have a criminal past in their life of any significance

    -Men whose kids hate them

    -Men who are the “funny” uncle (and I don’t mean he tells good jokes)

    -Men who have alcoholism or a drug addiction

    -Men who stretch the truth

    -Men who are serial online daters

    -Men who sharp shoot rabbits in the forehead while hunting

    -Men who eat the rabbits

    -Men who long to have me over to eat the rabbits

    -Men who make me wonder whether they see me as a big rabbit

    I just thought I would share because dating these creeps has simply worn me out! Any advice?


    My Answer:

    You’re quite brilliant and clever…and

    The question is not – why are all these unacceptable men out there – and not even “why am I attracting them” – but

    “Why am I EXCLUSIVELY attracting them?”

    Are you absolutely certain you’re not carrying the results of your survey/database around with you as a kind of “expectation”?

    If you are right, and there are no acceptable men out there, then there’s nothing I can do for you or anyone, and I know from all the evidence to the contrary that that’s not true….so –what’s our next step here?

    Look – I know you wouldn’t be here doing this work if you were the woman who had all kinds of amazing men all over them at all times.

    So that’s what we have in common here…and that’s why it seems to be “the way it is”

    But it’s not.

    It’s just your experience so far – and that changes!

    I KNOW it changes.

    Every one of my female relationship coach interviewees and friends has not only seen what seems to be an unbelievable turnaround in their clients’ love lives – they’ve seen it in their own love lives.

    Nearly every one of us relationship coaches has a sorry story to tell of being “broken” and experiencing nothing but pain in love – UNTIL – everything changed and we met our husbands.

    And none of these husbands were magical. Or dashing. Or what we thought they’d be. Because by the time we met them WE were different.

    We were more honest. We had a more loving attitude toward ourselves. We somehow believed we deserved better than what we were used to, even though we had no idea what that would look like.

    It’ll happen for you to…and if you can turn every one of these hysterical male stereotypes around (and, yes, I know you’ve actually met them all) into…the pleasant guy I hardly noticed because his nose was stuck in his lap top… The quiet guy who laughed at my feeble joke… The okay-looking guy who picked up my book off the floor and turned out to have lovely teeth….and on and on….you’ll move much faster.

    Really – believing it can happen is most of the way there.

    Love, Rori

  164.  #164Linda G on September 16, 2013 at 3:48 pm

    Speaking of food, I was invited to go to a guys house so he can cook me dinner. We have been out 4 times, dinner, a show, very nice dates.
    I have teenagers at home, so I don’t bring men around, also we live with my Dad. He has kidded that he supposes there ill be no sleepovers at my house, and kiddingly said he would entice me to his lair with a fbulous dinner.
    We have kissed, but I don’t want to o urther just yt, plus he lives 30 minutes away. I dont want to drive there.
    Even if he picks me p, I on’t want to be in an awkward iuation.

    How to reuse him wihout hutting him down, I aminterested, but not ready

  165.  #165Linda G on September 16, 2013 at 3:49 pm

    Forgot to press follow up button

  166.  #166Amazed on September 16, 2013 at 3:53 pm

    Thanks Zara, I needed to read something like that now… lol Too funny!

  167.  #167Amazed on September 16, 2013 at 4:09 pm

    Sorry to hog the blog but I am feeling better now after my rant…lol Can I text him back something like “Now I feel silly, I knew you were going to the US but hadn’t realized you weren’t able to keep in touch…have a good time!” I do really like this guy…

  168.  #168Heart on September 16, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    Blog – I woke up feeling panicked about my future and if I’ll ever have the things I dream about…then I accepted a date with this guy who had been asking me out for some time….and it’s like my entire mood instantly shifted….Why is that?

    Now I’m thinking about what to wear…
    Dating really is free therapy..

  169.  #169Heart on September 16, 2013 at 4:22 pm

    Lisa – I’m glad your feeling heart went out to you. We all have “What’s wrong with me?!” moments….< 3

  170.  #170Dominique on September 16, 2013 at 4:32 pm

    Amazed – Actually I love this response. Though I might suggest omitting this part – “hadn’t realized you weren’t able to keep in touch”. It sounds a bit blamey to me, maybe.


  171.  #171Dominique on September 16, 2013 at 4:33 pm

    Heart – Moods/emotions can shift in a moment. It’s their nature. The more you allow them, the freer the flow.


  172.  #172Heart on September 16, 2013 at 4:46 pm

    Linda – Hi! Well such situations are always a little tricky to navigate. It would probably serve you best to decline the dinner and still be open to seeing him anyway. Suggest something else?

  173.  #173Heart on September 16, 2013 at 4:48 pm

    Dominique – your advice is so comforting and uplifting. Xx.

  174.  #174Amazed on September 16, 2013 at 4:50 pm

    Thanks Dominique…I texted before your response “Thanks, I feel better. I knew you were going away but hadn’t realized you weren’t able to stay in touch. Have a good time! 🙂 ” Hope it didn’t sound too blamey….oh well I’m at the point where I feel like I don’t care so much now if he never writes back now…ever…

  175.  #175Linda G on September 16, 2013 at 4:53 pm

    Thank you, Heart
    It has been a long time since I was physically involved with someone. I know if I go over there, I will be waiting for him to “chase me around the table” and just get resentful.

    Plus, I feel unsure if I am attracted to him yet

    Also, how do I avoid going to him, when I am unable to entertain him at my house? I find men are not happy with this

  176.  #176Zia on September 16, 2013 at 4:55 pm

    I spoke last night on the phone briefly with the guy I met on sat night. I was feeling really nervous and anxious about speaking with him but it was a nice chat. then he texted afterwards to say goodnight and said that HE had been nervous. haha!

  177.  #177Amazed on September 16, 2013 at 4:57 pm

    Aww Zia, that’s so sweet!! 🙂

  178.  #178Zia on September 16, 2013 at 5:12 pm

    Once again I really trust that we will always get exactly what we can handle. I was feeling overwhelmed with this guy being so sweet and just nice. But he lives about 2 hours away from me. Which is perfect, because that makes it feel a little “safer” for me to slowly get to know him and get used to being around a nice guy.

    I had another epiphany about why it feels so scary, and it’s not just about the unknown with this guy, but it’s also about the unknown of this “new me” that I’m slowly trying to coax out into the open. Both of these things require slowly getting used to.

  179.  #179Amanda on September 16, 2013 at 5:13 pm

    #156 Tereana Don’t stress about being awkward about that…just tell him you are uncomfortable with it. I’ve just started doing that and I’ve found that 100% of the time guys are ok with that and realize they are dealing with a different type of woman. There are a lot of women out there who would do as he wanted for fear of him running away…well each of them obviously didn’t work out…so you can be the first to tell him, sorry, I just don’t feel comfortable doing that. It may be a game changer for him. Trust your instincts here.
    #162 Tara-OMG…Laughed Out Loud…was worth typing it all out instead of just LOL. Got this email from my mom the other day with some great advice.

    It’s not so surprising that a single women is not optimistic about meeting a good man…look at the odds. All the men you have dated have not worked out…that’s why you’re still single. So the odds in your mind are currently 0%. You’re a smart girl, if this were an investment you would dump it right now. But you need to remember, you just need ONE! How complicated would life be if you met hundreds of Mr. Rights? It’s not crazy to sit around and question this process, it’s normal. It’s hasn’t worked for you, yet! You’re completely sane to question it. But what would be insane is for you to think that since none have worked out that it will NEVER work out. Now that would be crazy…and coming from me, you know I know crazy.
    Love, kisses, come visit soon.

  180.  #180Amazed on September 16, 2013 at 5:30 pm

    Amanda, your mom is so wise…that is absolutely true and it makes me feel peaceful, thanks for sharing. 🙂

  181.  #181Ariel on September 16, 2013 at 5:49 pm

    I have a confession to make: I think I am a chronic crumb taker, and I don’t mean to be…and I don’t want to be. I feel confused about the meaning of unconditional love probably from past emotional abuse. I am so used to being treated badly that no red warning flags go up when it happens. And at the same time, I’m trying to be tolerant and give grace to men, knowing no one’s perfect. So where is the cutoff line?

    More importantly, how do I find enough strength in myself to stop taking sh*t from existing male friends long enough to cut them loose so I can make room for a better man? I just keep getting sucked back into the cycle because I feel so lonely and longing. Just the thought of breaking free and I go nuts inside.

  182.  #182Tereana on September 16, 2013 at 6:40 pm

    Hi Amanda – thanks for that! I didn’t feel too awkward. But I might have said no a little emphatically. Lol. And then he had to go, so I didn’t get to talk much about it. Oh well. I’m glad I had a chance to think and separate my fears from my other feelings.

    He seems like a sensitive guy. And I don’t want to “take care of” him overly much. But it helps to know where he’s coming from.

    Thanks for the support 🙂

    Oh yeah – there’s an added challenge. English is not his first language. But I think everyone can understand self respect ; )

  183.  #183Zia on September 16, 2013 at 6:51 pm

    180 Ariel, “I just keep getting sucked back into the cycle because I feel so lonely and longing.”

    Maybe instead of looking to men to fill that lonely and longing, start looking at how you can fill it 🙂

  184.  #184Amazed on September 16, 2013 at 7:12 pm

    180 – Ariel – I started my dog in obedience class and am going back to horseback riding soon to fill that void in my life after being on the blog and reading Rori’s newsletters 🙂 It’s helping…

  185.  #185Lisa on September 16, 2013 at 7:19 pm

    @Heart Aww thanks! <3 I feel so good to read your post.. thanks! I suppose everyone does…

    Tonight I went on a hike with my social group.. which is so good for circle dating.. b/c it is a group of men and women… and had a picnic on top of one of my favorite mountain tops.. and then hiked back down to a lower trail, climbed a tree with my little "E" ( she goes too sometimes) and then sat with the group to watch the sunset and listen to music and dance.. I was soo happy and feeling so loved and loving myself… it was a little sad for me, being up there, thinking of "M" but I sat with it and then it went away…

    Damn… I'm not pinning over that man, but I have all these men interested and still I can't help it a memory comes up of him from time to time…..and I have to shake my head to make it go away… the strong feelings that I had with him.. the laughter until our stomachs hurt… his voice.. Ok stop it Lisa!

    I was wrong it hasn't been 8 weeks yet… but on the 22nd it will be 2months.. this is the 8th monday… I think… anyways, I wish I could get him completely out of my system…

    and if one of these men would show up to be worth the effort of dating, maybe I could…

    and reading about MMM's post today about it being a human need for love, touch… I started to cry… b/c that's all I've ever wanted.. and it seems to be the furthest from my reach… and I keep attracting men that can't meet my needs.. and that makes me sad… very sad… b/c I have so much love to give.. I know I am an amazing partner if a man would show up that might have enough vision to see it… recognize it.. I'm a prize yes, but what good is it, if no one notices… that's my point…

    Do I believe in what I want ( Byron Katie asks) Yes, I believe it happens to other people… like Mercedes, Rori, Elsie and others… I don't believe it will happen for me…that's the thing… I think I used to, but I've been single for 20 years,, I'm really starting to doubt it will happen.

    and yet, I feel I'd give just about anything to have it… that sounds crazy, I know.. I'm suppose to not want it, that attracts men… but I DO… I really, really do! and if by some miracle it showed up right now… I'm cry for utter joy!

    I want that man that rocks my world, loves me more than I can imagine, that we go and have picnics at the top of a mountain and dance in the living room floor, someone I can't wait to come home to me, someone I get excited to tell things to, someone that I want to know like a book…

    Ok enough of that…


  186.  #186Ariel on September 16, 2013 at 7:45 pm

    Zia and Amazed,

    Thank you for your suggestions. I feel so busy right now I don’t barely have time to work out, altho I am taking brief walks and “car dancing” on my way to and from work as I have time. I wish I had two hours a day to devote to fitness. I would lose weight so much faster. Fun times seem limited to eating out, and that’s not good for weight loss, either, LOL. Heck, I’ve got over 100 channels on cable TV that I pay for and I’ve barely watched it, I’ve been so busy.

    So I guess that’s where I start. Free up time for fun. Instead of just pining after men who kick me to the curb and leave me bleeding. Deep breath.

  187.  #187Ariel on September 16, 2013 at 7:46 pm

    It’s just habit to text my friend when I feel lonely. My thoughts and feelings just turn to him when I go to bed. This is my hardest time of day. I guess facebook and blogging and texting can’t exactly be called meaningful hobbies, huh? Because that’s what I do. Humph!

  188.  #188Zia on September 16, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    Ariel…. is there something you can do for you, instead of texting him? So…. have a bath with some lit candles? Give yourself a bit of a body rub/massage? Sit and just “be” with your thoughts and feelings? Any time I feel that need to ‘reach out’ just to not feel lonely, I find a way to give myself what I need. I rarely feel lonely now, if at all 🙂

  189.  #189Lisa on September 16, 2013 at 8:10 pm

    This is one of my published poems.. funny! I could replace a few ex’s with this poem… I go crazy trying to figure it all out though I’m far from clingy and have had my own life and interests with all of my past men… I still end of with this story.. pattern..

    Here it is:

    I don’t understand you

    I don’t understand you and maybe I’m not suppose to

    Maybe the one thing that keeps us separate is the misalignment of our minds

    Obligation is your montra and mine is live in the now

    Obligation is a mind created prison I don’t wish to visit again

    Love doesn’t know boundaries and logic nor does it go by the dogma of past worn out religions created by those of fearful hearts and mind

    We either grasp what we have now and bask in the joy or it will fade into the past of ” I wish I had” list that has remnants of regret and heartbreak

    I don’t understand you and why you would walk away so easily from the passion and melding of our hearts that have longed for each other so long

    I do not understand why someone that tells of his strength would just “say maybe some day” I’ll get around to spending time with you, one day maybe I’ll make time to listen to you , care for you and make love to you

    If you desire me half as much as I do you, then it would be a joy to find time for us

    Instead it appears to be another inconvenience of life that you just can’t handle any more

    I do doubt your feelings, I do doubt your intentions not for who you are, but for the manic crazy illogical manner in which you place our love in the perspective totem pole for which you have lined up in your life

    The facade of your life that you live in the pretense of someone’s dream of you and who you should be

    I don’t understand the lack of strength to fight this invisible wall you have between us and to find a way

    to experience this journey with me and see how far we can fly

    You say you are not afraid to fly with me, I say you are as I see the ocean of avoidance pulls you down into the murky water and time passes and passes

    I do not understand you and somehow it seems as though I never will

    It has been my dream to delve into you and know you like a book that I find a new verse untouched each time I read over the pages of our life as the pages begin to wear the excitement of you will always remain as if the pages have been just discovered

    written by me Lisa ……… March 12, 2011

    Oh he never read it.. the man I wrote it for… but funny how I keep attracting it.. I could easily put “M” name here but he was much much better…yet still here I am.. growing and growing working on me… still single still attracting it… oh well…


  190.  #190Liquid Light on September 16, 2013 at 9:04 pm

    I had a last minute date tonight, more like friends getting together, but I guess he thought of more as a date, paid for everything, and then on the way out another man gave me his card and wants me to call! Crazy!

    Another date on Wednesday and then a date on Thurs which I’m really excited about, (don’t really take the others that seriously in truth). He and I grew up in the same neighborhood and went to the same high school and just connected randomly on an online dating site. Too funny!!!

  191.  #191Tereana on September 16, 2013 at 9:19 pm

    LL – awesome! : )

  192.  #192Liquid Light on September 16, 2013 at 9:28 pm

    Thanks Tereana! 🙂

  193.  #193Tereana on September 16, 2013 at 9:29 pm

    Thanks again for the advice and the feedback, ladies. I guess I still feel unsure of this guy because I only just met him, so I don’t know how much I can trust him. I’m assuming that I can, but there are just a couple of things that are raising my antennae up. So I want to make sure everything feels good to me before I proceed.

    I just called him with the intention of leaving a message, but then I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t want to lean forward or give to much. Even if he “wants” me to give. I still feel better staying in siren mode.

    I felt great tonight, actually. I went out and did some errands. Just after I picked up dinner, I was feeling confident and strutting my stuff when I walked past a cute guy who caught my eye and smiled. That felt good : )

    I don’t want you all to think I’m overly sweating over this one guy. In fact, part of the issue is, I’m not even sure if I want him at all. I’m waiting, watching and observing to see if I like what’s coming toward me. He seems to have some interesting qualities. And my friend who was out dancing with me observed that we made an instant connection. But that doesn’t have to mean anything.

    I know from my own history that I tend to “chase” the guys who I already know aren’t that great for me. So I really don’t want to be chasing this guy down or acting like I really want him or something. I also don’t want to seem “cold” or “b*tchy.” It’s just that, with all of my doubts and fears, I want to feel really good before I move forward.

    So far, up until today, it felt good.

    And then I guess I just got triggered.

    Well, now I guess I get to wait and watch and see what happens.

    Trust me, I know that there are no shortage of great attractive guys out there, and that a lot of them would probably want to be with me if they had the chance, and would enjoy it if they were. I can be a really great and excellent partner, and I have lots and lots of desirable qualities. And that’s why I don’t need to throw myself all over this one guy just because he wants me and likes me. I get to choose. And if he isn’t the best for me, then I get to keep looking.

    And that feels awesome. Because I want the best. And I deserve the best. And I know that when it comes to me it will be the best. I don’t to bother with anything less than that 🙂

    Yay me!

  194.  #194Indigo on September 16, 2013 at 9:32 pm


    I am a recovering crumb-taker and I am finding the journey towards wanting SO much better for me and for my life is quite exciting. Don’t be afraid of making that break – I believe there is wonderful stuff for you (and for me) on the other side of it.

    As for where the cut-off line is, I find this is where being in touch with your feelings is so important. When you are accepting crumbs and bad treatment, you spend a great deal of time rationalizing their bad behavior, over-analyzing, thinking for them, feeling for them, basically being in their business, letting them “off the hook” so to speak, and you lose touch with your own feelings, your own needs, desires etc.

    Getting back to you is the place to start. Not overfunctioning, and really getting in touch with how a guy makes you feel.

    I agree with the other ladies here, fill your life up – not just with stuff, but with stuff that you LOVE, stuff which makes you feel good. Lavish love upon yourself. Feel the feelings but don’t contact the guy, it doesn’t work.

  195.  #195Indigo on September 16, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    I feel sadness today, grief even.

    For me, I think of this feeling as my “walking through treacle” feeling – because that’s how it feels.

    I feel sadness coursing through me, disappointment, not-enoughness. I know it comes from D – I replied to his e-mail and I felt disappointed in his response. It was what I expected and I know it has absolutely nothing to do with me and yet I still feel this disappointment and sadness – there is absolutely nothing I can do about it all and yet I still feel this way! I feel frustrated at the situation and… that is all. It’s just a soup of emotions. There is nothing to be done and nothing that should be done.

    I just feel a bit tired and sad and I really need to take care of my feelings.

  196.  #196Tereana on September 16, 2013 at 9:41 pm

    Awww…sweet. He just called me back and said that he misses me.

    Some things are still not adding up. I thought that he told me he gets up early and goes to work five days a week. But now he is at work on a late shift until midnight. And he has some days off during the week. So it’s a little confusing. But ultimately, that stuff is not very important.

    He just keeps telling me that he is “an honest person” and that this is his main quality. I know that no one is 100% honest. Not even me, and I consider myself to be mostly too honest for my own good. In fact, there are definitely times when I wish I was NOT so darn honest. I could use a little deception in my life sometimes. Not that I want it from other people.

    But I know it just doesn’t work when someone *tells* you they are honest. You know that someone is honest when you observe them telling you the truth and when the reality and action lines up with what they are saying.

    That is worth a lot more than words….

  197.  #197Tereana on September 16, 2013 at 9:43 pm

    I guess he *honestly* wants to see me a lot and see me more and see me as much as possible.

    I guess he is being honest about that.

    I should not be so quick to judge

  198.  #198Amanda on September 16, 2013 at 10:27 pm

    Ugh. I find I’m trying to steel myself for some upcoming dates. Trying to convince myself to go on these dates with an open heart and mind…but how? Last couple of dates have been with guys I left thinking ”I would have to seriously think about seeing him again” and they seem truly interested in me but still have not asked me out again. So then I find myself thinking ”Oh wait I do want to see him again” Where is that thinking coming from? These thoughts are in my head as I think ahead to these dates…”you won’t be interested in him, if you are, he won’t be interested in you” I feel like my radar has been so off lately that I don’t even want to turn it on. Maybe I’ve been dating too much. If you go on 100 dates and the last one is Mr Right…how do you not get totally and utterly discouraged and bitter before date 99?
    What are you ladies doing to pick yourself up out of these moments? Any thoughts on what I can be doing in the next couple days to get this stuff to a better place in my mind before the next upcoming dates. I feel as if I’m in a rut and need a push.

    Lisa Loved your poem…beautiful and sad.
    Also, I think part of what triggered tonight me was reading this you wrote
    ” Damn… I’m not pinning over that man, but I have all these men interested and still I can’t help it a memory comes up of him from time to time…..and I have to shake my head to make it go away… the strong feelings that I had with him.. the laughter until our stomachs hurt… his voice.. Ok stop it Lisa!”

    I’m just two weeks out and in the same boat…not pinning for him but for the few fleeting moments of fun I found with someone I was interested in. Oh, there were red flags and I know now it is for the best, but why must the universe give you just a tiny bit of what you want and even take that away. Maybe because the universe knows that the tiny bit will not be enough and you need to move on…but you needed reminded you could feel that way again in order to convince yourself to keep trying (Cuz yeah it had been awhile and I was about to give up)
    Maybe is was just that little drink of water…not enough to fill you up, but just enough to keep you going.

    Maybe that’s why the universe sent me the last few dates…just enough interest in them to keep me thirsty.

  199.  #199Amanda on September 16, 2013 at 10:35 pm

    Tereana #195 I know the feeling of things not adding up. And also of being told he is “‘honest” I don’t know why, but in my experience the more someone says it, the more he isn’t. May not be true of this gentleman, but just a weird trend I’ve noted. I think maybe they’ve have so many issues with true honesty in their past that they feel the need to announce it. My Dad was the most honest person I’ve every met. I NEVER once heard him lie. And NEVER once heard him tell anyone he was honest. Sorry just a thought. I don’t want to put weird thoughts in your head about this guy. Just move forward but feel free to ask the question about his job. It’s not a personal question to ask someones work schedule. If his answer makes sense it may alleviate some of your distrust in him that I sense you have and allow you to move forward with a more open heart.

  200.  #200Amanda on September 16, 2013 at 10:45 pm

    Oh My…Why did I just stalk his facebook page? Someone Cyber Slap ME!!!
    I feel sad that I don’t have someone…that he seems to be able to find as many people as he wants…I fell jealous that people like that exist and I want just a little of what they have. In one week he went from being at my house giving me expensive gifts and talking about how we needed to work together if this relationship was going to last and how that is the whole point of dating then he’s changing his facebook cover photo to pic of them snuggling. Just three weeks before asking me if I would go off the dating site and be exclusive. (I said no) How can he not find what he wants in me and then just go out and so quickly find what he does want with someone else. I feel rage that I can’t do that? True anger. Yup, I’m angry. What do I do with this feeling?

  201.  #201Amanda on September 16, 2013 at 10:54 pm

    I’m feeling anger at circular dating right now. I feel anger because when I told the last CD that I actually liked that’s what I wanted to do since it was so early in the relationship (3 weeks) he told me that made him go out with other people. And he did and he dumped me for one just two weeks after. Ugh…am I part of his plan to help him find Mrs. Right? Oh that seems fair!!!!

  202.  #202Syreena on September 17, 2013 at 1:36 am

    Linda, you obviously don’t feel comfortable about going too his house/lair for dinner yet in the still getting to know each other stage.

    He has made it quite clear that this gift of dinner at his house comes with strings attactched that he is trying to entice you into his house for a sleepover.

    Linda 4 dates, he doesn’t know you, you do not know him.
    He is quite clearly showing you how he views women and sex.

  203.  #203Syreena on September 17, 2013 at 2:29 am

    I see an oportunity to hurt someone back in the same way that they hurt me. I can feel myself wanting to do this so they suddenly have an aha moment.

    It feels difficult not to resist and take that opportunity.
    Trouble is this person already is in a bad place and feels down. So I am going to listen to my conscience and not do that.
    It really would be a horrible thing to do.
    To get back at them in a hope that they see what they did to me.
    So I am going to choose not to do it. I don’t really want to kick someone when they are already down and in a bad place.
    As I know how that felt. And it is bloody hard to get back up afterwards.

    Part of me wants to hurt them back, part of me wants to hug them, even though what they did felt painful to me.

    As I feel 50/50. I will choose to just listen, but not hurt or comfort with a hug this time.

  204.  #204Sophie on September 17, 2013 at 3:17 am

    Hi lovely ladies

    I find it so difficult to keep up sometimes – our lives move so first – so many insights and explorations

    I have agreed to let CDB move in with me which feels huge. It is likely to be an enormous learning curve for me I have not lived with a man before – not properly – I am so aware of having to keep my own emotional space as well as carve out for myself physical space – and keep my own individual space – I do not want to lose myself – this commitment is huge for me it’ feels like a leap of faith that I can trust in myself to keep on loving me and not allow myself to slip in to making that someone elses responsibility

    but I want to do it – if it ends up being a mistake then it was my mistake to make – if I don’t go for it then I shall never know

    I am conscious of when I slip into overfunctioning and reminding myself to slip back – I am conscious of when he wants to solve my problems for me and I’m reminding myself to sink into myself and find my own peace and not to rely upon someone else – it feels good to be supported but I don’t need fixing I can fix myself

    Mostly I feel peaceful with him and happy and easy and supported and cherished and nourished – day by day I am moving through my own fears and being curious about them – when I came back from my workshop at the weekend he had timed it so that he’d run a bath for me with candles and hung up clean pyjamas and had flowers on the table and candles. – it was a beautiful homecoming – i felt so cared for

    I feel like I am putting one step in front of the other in the dark with my life, with this man, with my career, with my future but it’s not a scary dark, it’s just I do not know where all is leading me but I am going with hope and trust and deepening faith and I am sure I want to keep taking these tentative steps I feel curious and excited…

  205.  #205Daria on September 17, 2013 at 3:18 am

    whoa i feel like i just got hit with a truck i feel really mad. i dont feel good reading stuff that tells me im not divine . like ‘fact’

    i get that this is someones opininon, and i dont want to feel bad.

    and i DO feel bad

    i feel shocked and i feel an urge to brush off my shock and look at something else

    when actually my afce is like 🙁 and i feel shocked and upset

    life i dont want this. thank u

    i feel like whiniingggg

    i dont waaaant to keep getting smacked encountering opinions and beliefs that feel bad to me!!!

    i feel judgemental and dismissive of myself

    i feel sad

    i feerl hands to head

    i love my hands to head


    i love my sigh

    i feel unhappy

    i love my unhappienss

  206.  #206Daria on September 17, 2013 at 3:20 am

    i till feel sad

    i love my sadness

  207.  #207Daria on September 17, 2013 at 3:21 am

    i feel urge to self blame for speaking

    i feel urge to blame outside

    i feel frowny

    i love my frowny feelings

    and that feels like

    melting into limpness

    i love my limpness

    and that feels like fear

    i love my fear

    and that feels like sigh and smile

    i lov my sigh and smile


  208.  #208Daria on September 17, 2013 at 3:24 am

    i feel judgemental of myself for feeling like this so often

    i feel ashamed thinking im being perceived as ‘out to find something to fight against/ feel bad about’

    i feel so angry

    i feel sad thinking ill have to keep on dealing with this feeling for life

    i dont want to feel this way

    i love feeling this way

    lol i fel eye roll up and smile

  209.  #209Daria on September 17, 2013 at 3:27 am

    i feel sad

    i love my sadness

  210.  #210Daria on September 17, 2013 at 3:27 am

    i also feel hungry!

  211.  #211Linda G on September 17, 2013 at 3:35 am

    Thanks, Syreena for the feedback.
    He has since sent he recipe he wants to cook, assures e it will be organic(my eating habits) and has given me the optn of spending the day at his beach hose if It’s nice.
    All lovely things to do, he says I am special, how much he likes me, wants me to meet his grown on.

    I am excited somewhat, as it’s the farthest I hav gottn in my quest for discovering Mr Right. I am just unsure if it’s him yet and feel like ese things will attach us prematurely.

    Can I do this witout going there? I am dating other guys, too.

  212.  #212Linda G on September 17, 2013 at 3:52 am

    I need the words to express this without dismissing him

  213.  #213Sophie on September 17, 2013 at 4:09 am

    Hi Linda G

    There are likely to be other siren opinions on this and I’m really not the best on writing scripts! but my view is it seems you have spoken the truth in your posts here and there is nothing unkind in what you are saying even if you say it to him

    This is maybe the kind of thing…but it’d be good to get other siren opinions 🙂 what I am aware of constantly strengthening in myself is it is okay to share how you are really feeling (without making him wrong) and how he responds is how he responds

    I’m feeling awquard/uncomfortable/worried (or whatever you’re feeling) and I’d really like to be able to talk to you about it. I can see how much effort you’re going to for me and that feels so good. I don’t feel ready to come over to your house. To me that feels like a big move and it feels better to me to move more slowly and for me that means…(dating for a while longer, meeting in neutral environments – whatever it means to you) I feel concerned (or whatever) about driving thirty minutes. I feel interested in getting to know you better and am really enjoying my time with you. what do you think?

  214.  #214Linda G on September 17, 2013 at 4:12 am

    Brilliant, Sophie! Thanks, i have been avoiding his calls because I couldn’t find the words, til now

  215.  #215Sophie on September 17, 2013 at 4:12 am


    I love the honesty and integrity of your emotional stream. I feel admiration for how in touch you are with your emotions.I identify often with the processes you share – I have a fierce and changeable emotional world and I became (and still am) very people pleasing as my emotional world was little understood by others – the courage you show for honouring your emotional world feels inspiring and brave to me

    thank you for sharing and showing me how i could do it if I choose

    High five 🙂

  216.  #216Sophie on September 17, 2013 at 4:41 am

    @188 Lisa – thank you for sharing your poem – it is funny (not ha ha) when we keep attracting the same type of man – I have journals and seriously you could just change the names round – same stuff different man

    i’ve felt really interested recently though watching and exploring what I do (with a good man) and how I create the same stories over and over regardless of who they are x i feel blessed that with this man I am not in the chaotic drama (as with some other men) so I have space to observe what happens for me in my mind – fascinating!

    (((indigo)))) ((((soup))))

  217.  #217Sophie on September 17, 2013 at 4:42 am

    @213 🙂 I hope you find what feels good for you to say 🙂

  218.  #218Waterfall on September 17, 2013 at 4:59 am

    I feel angry that my needs are not being met.

    I feel angry that I don’t feel fully secure with him.

    I feel angry that he makes flippant comments that there is no point to marriage and children.

    I feel angry that he turns everything around onto me.

    I feel angry that he ignores me when we are in a group situation.

    I feel angry that I don’t feel good with him.

    I feel angry that he has an emotional hold over me.

    I feel angry that I can’t find a way out.

    I feel scared to let go.

    I love my fear. I love my anger. I love my indecisiveness..

  219.  #219Daria on September 17, 2013 at 5:05 am

    oh Sophie i feel rocking w sobs right now… thank u I feel so honored…

    the high 5 really got me…

    mmm that felt so good to feel 🙂

  220.  #220Daria on September 17, 2013 at 5:10 am

    thank you Daria for feeding me!

    thank you for listening to my show

    thank you for preparing to wash my clothes and blanket, even if we do it everday (to try to eliminate the invisible fleas that only I in this house feel so far)

    you are so determined!

    you are so strong and brave!

    thank you for showing me my ancestors

    thank you for taking time sharing to not shock me

    thank you for taking babysteps

    thank you for healing my liver from this thing i got long ago

    tahnk you for looking so so so good

  221.  #221Daria on September 17, 2013 at 5:10 am

    i was feeling lonely, craving man attention, and now came hre and feel not lonely!



    thank you Sophie

  222.  #222Daria on September 17, 2013 at 5:13 am

    and thank you Daria for taking time to honor my sexuality last nite… i really GOT it how its about pleasing me and i dont NEED a man , yet its so attractive if i take care of myself and my pleasure around a man…

    one of the first times i didnt pretend i was a man or someone else pleasing myself, but rather was able to be with me and just imagine even being around men but focused on me

    and it did not feel not enough or unsatisfactory


    im healing!


  223.  #223Waterfall on September 17, 2013 at 5:26 am

    I feel so confused and so scared

    I can’t let go. I want him to let go..

    He won’t let go.

    I have to let go but I don’t know how.

    I miss him but I know it’s wrong.

    I am so scared to loose his love.

    I love my fear. I will sit and be with myself through this difficult time.

    I will love myself.

    I will be selfish and take care of myself…

  224.  #224Daria on September 17, 2013 at 5:30 am

    i feel really challenged with teh 5 second smile… after 1/2 to 1 second i’ve eaither looked away or else I fade out my eyes and go blank and rigid…

    i feel frustarted with this

    and yesterday I practiced with people far away so taht I wouldnt’ feel as powerfully affected and go blank as much

    so this one guy I was doing it with was far away as I was walking down the street and he didn’t really seem like he noticed which made it easier for me…

    he looked like a shy type but then when I walked by he said something like “you know you’re very pretty”

    or something, i didnt quite hear. it almost sounded sleazy in the tone but it wasnt a sleazxy thing (i expected something about nice tits or something from his tone, but actually i t hink he just said im pretty)

    i wass like whoa he noticed

    i feel judgemetnal of myself staring at people i think its like an invite to sex me and it would feel uncomfortable for me to have that kinda experience with men i dont find attractive like men i might want to look at in a ‘grandfather relationship’ kinda way

    also a few years ago i realized that now all men are gonna look at me sexually and start to practice not judging that

  225.  #225Zara on September 17, 2013 at 5:33 am


    I don’t know the story.

    I read only a couple of posts in the last threads.
    It said about him cancelling on you during bank Holidays, not seeing you very often, you feeling left aside, him calling you names when you share your feelings. Then it switched to him losing his job and feeling destabilised about it. All of a sudden he gets the bath ready for you and wants to move in.

    I feel the pull to comment just in case there would be a direct connection between him being suddenly unemployed and him wanting to move in with you.
    I just want to point at the “possibility” of this being a case of the man feeling rejected by G*d when he lost his job, feeling scared and needy at the moment and grabbing onto good old girl friend for existentialist procrastination and materialistic advantages like running away from a life he can’t afford on his own anymore and where the psychological demons are too big for him to handle alone.

    If that is not the situation and if you felt pampered and cherished way before he lost his job, if he asked to move in with you way before he lost his job, then don’t mind my post. It is just something that crossed my mind.


  226.  #226Waterfall on September 17, 2013 at 5:34 am

    He has just text me but there is no love in the text.

    He doesn’t ask how I am…

    I don’t know how to feel about this ??

  227.  #227Daria on September 17, 2013 at 5:37 am


  228.  #228Hana on September 17, 2013 at 5:53 am

    Zia, I like the outlook you have! This new you and your openness to experience new and better suited men is wonderful! Of course you are ever growing and changing but your awareness in yourself is so amazing and inspiring.

  229.  #229Sophie on September 17, 2013 at 6:00 am

    Hi Zara

    Thank you for posting 🙂 I was expecting these curiosities and I know how the situation looks – I am giving it a lot of thought myself…

    I have questioned it myself…and I don’t know how to explain…and I don’t want to be making justifications so that the situation sounds okay…but I feel okay

    I have been seeing him since January and although he wouldn’t commit to me (in as much as he felt safer with a get out clause) he wasn’t seeing anyone else etc – his energy was with me – i have seen/felt and had him communicate deepening levels of trust and intimacy with me over the time – I definitely think that this situation he is in has been hugely influential with deepening the levels of trust between us and with regards to him letting himself go and saying that he wants to let himself go- he always said that he was protecting himself and i could see those layers of protecting softening over time and then even more so now…

    It is unfortunate that I have been very good at posting about the dramas 🙂 eg the bank holiday – that was sincerely my own trigger and he (as has always been the case) made the moves to resolve it with me…

    yes – he’s upped the anti with the nice things but he has always been pretty good at the nice things – it feels more to me right now that he’s made his decision and that is the place where the nice things are coming from…

    I don’t know…I do know I don’t feel manipulated…I do know I feel accepting of giving it a chance…I do know that for the best part we manage an easy, peaceful, loving vibe between us which pleases me much more than some of the passionate but explosive relationships I’ve been involved with previously

    I do know that if it doesn’t work out he will leave if I ask him to…

    I do know that he cares about how I feel and whether I am happy (i also know that he is in a vulnerable place) I do know that I feel free to be myself with him and he is the biggest supporter of my work and my spirituality…I do know that I want a relationship with a man that goes deeper and he seems to be matching my own hesitancy with moving closer in safe stages…it so many ways it feels very good…

    this is why I kind of feel like i’m walking in the dark as it doesn’t feel wrong (and I have the support of my friends and therapist) so seemingly none of our intuitions are screaming out no but i don’t know where we’re going to end up…it could be the best orrr the worst thing!!!! This could be healthy psychically the way things have been paced for us and by us or I could be ignoring something about my own motivations…it still doesn’t feel wrong though…it feels curious…

    does any of that make sense?!

  230.  #230Sophie on September 17, 2013 at 6:01 am

    Daria 🙂 feel smiley my post touched you. I was only speaking my truth 🙂

  231.  #231Hana on September 17, 2013 at 6:02 am

    I however am going slowly crazy! I’m feeling angry at men again. And I know this is about me, I know it. I keep forgetting that men for the most part are always going to have those important factors in common, and I learned from funny boy that no matter what he says he will only mean what he does. He was so similar to Amir, and here I was still pining over him. The way funny boy left me was so similar to Amir recent behavior towards me that I realized I am more worthy of better quality men like Mr proposal who is looking much better now lol. But seriously I have been choosing safe men who are not that good looking or have too much confidence but ate crazy for me because it made me feel in control. Now, I want to work in deserving the kind of man that will equal the kind of woman in believe I am. It is still progressing but I learned a valuable lesson that as beautiful goddess and intelligent and loving and all the gifts in have to offer in deserve back in a man. This knowledge is empowering and it helps me diminish the anger and readjust the value in myself and let’s see what it does to my vibe.


  232.  #232Hana on September 17, 2013 at 6:08 am

    Auto correct sorry for the miss spells!

  233.  #233Sophie on September 17, 2013 at 6:13 am

    Zara – he definitely didn’t ask to move in with me before he lost his job – we didn’t talk about it – we were both still definitely testing the waters (he was taking the lead on that)…it feels like both a circumstantial annnddd an emotional shift…I feel heard by him I have shared with him everything I share on here (in as much as when I have feelings about him or us) and he listens and shares his own feelings…that feels good…

  234.  #234Sophie on September 17, 2013 at 6:26 am

    and to be fair i think i may have suggested it to him! its been such an intense few weeks i can’t remember how it happened. but i do know its not a decision he would have taken lightly with regards to his feelings…

  235.  #235Waterfall on September 17, 2013 at 7:14 am

    I wonder if I am too needy. Too clingy?

    I wonder if I am mirroring my mum.

    My relationship feels so uncomfortable, like he is giving me the bare minimum to keep me going.

    What can I do to change this?

    Should I turn and run, or shall I give him more time?

    I don’t think I am strong enough to end it with him..

  236.  #236Mercedes on September 17, 2013 at 7:14 am

    Ooohhh….new thread and I’m the only one posting on it!!! Don’t I feel special now??? 🙂

    Lisa: Did that make you smile just a little? “Do I believe in what I want ( Byron Katie asks) Yes, I believe it happens to other people… like Mercedes, Rori, Elsie and others… I don’t believe it will happen for me…that’s the thing… I think I used to” – I believe it for you. All you need to do is smile, take excellent care of yourself, meet people, enjoy life, have loads of fun and create peace in your heart. I’ll do the believing part. 🙂

    Much Love,

  237.  #237Waterfall on September 17, 2013 at 7:16 am

    In all honesty though I have never seen him massively interested in anyone. I’m not going to take it personally.

    I think it is all he can give…

  238.  #238Amanda on September 17, 2013 at 7:23 am

    Help Ladies.

    CDClose…this is a guy that I’ve been known for about 2 months and I must admit I have put him on a back burner a couple times. Canceled a date or two and gone MIA for a week here and there…while I stupidly invested too much in one particular CDHillbilly that I’ve mentioned. Anyway…he is a good communicator and I’ve always had a good time with him. At the end of our last date he tried to set something up for the next time and I just didn’t know wht my schedule was like…so Iknow he thought I was blowing him off but this time I wasn’t. Needless to say now he’s gotten a bit standoffish and and I don’t blame him. I’ve been a bit flaky.
    So here’s where I am at. He wanted to see me this last weekend and I wasn’t free so he said maybe wednesday or thursday…Trying to help him out a bit I txted and said I are on for Wednesday or Thursday and he texted back Well Thursday could work. Yes, I know these are in txt msgs…that’s not the focus. We chat on the phone and make arrangements that way but in this case I just texted him about it because I didn’t want to call and I feel that since I have been jerking him around for two months he needs some encouragement from me. Regardless, What do I reply to a txt msg that says Maybe Thursday could work.
    My instincts say to txt back and tell him to call me when he knows for sure.

  239.  #239Amanda on September 17, 2013 at 7:27 am

    Ok…so I changed my mind already. I really thought about how I felt about it and realized I don’t feel good about a Maybe. And I don’t want to say call me when you know…it just feels like waiting and I don’t care to. So I said…Thursday is free for me…when will you know? Because honestly I know he needs some encouragement…but I’m only going so far with that. 🙂 If he can’t let me know about Thursday by Tuesday…seriously who’s schedule is that up in the air. He doesn’t have small children and he’s not a doctor on call. So whereas he needs some encouragement from me after all the flakiness, I gave it. He can now choose to run with it or not.

  240.  #240Dominique on September 17, 2013 at 7:40 am

    Amazed- 173 – it’s fine. as long as you have no expectations or agenda, you’re good.


  241.  #241Dominique on September 17, 2013 at 7:44 am

    Ariel – 180 – Many, many women (maybe men too) have accustomed to crumbs. You can feel so grateful for any hint of attention.

    The biggest piece here ti change this pattern in you is awareness. Noticing what is, feeling how it feels.

    It takes time to change old patterns and habits. Be patient with yourself. There are no mistakes here, only learning and growing experiences.


  242.  #242Amanda on September 17, 2013 at 7:46 am

    Thanks Dominque
    He replied that he would know tonight. So I’m leaving it there…if he doesn’t get back, no big deal but at least I will not feel as if I need to keep Thursday open just in case. I’ve got other dates I’m trying to arrange.

  243.  #243Zara on September 17, 2013 at 8:07 am

    It does make sense. You’ve got that experiment calling you and you feel good going for it. You trust you will be good no matter the outcome.

    I wish you the best experiment in the world and may it last for ever 🙂
    If not, may this experiment bring you closer to yourself and to love.


  244.  #244Amazed on September 17, 2013 at 9:51 am

    Thanks Dominique for responding, I really feel much better now. 🙂 I am going to see what he does when he gets back the end of the month and that will determine whether I will start to CD or not. In the’s me time! 🙂


  245.  #245Sophie on September 17, 2013 at 9:54 am

    thank you zara – that feels so lovely and supportive to read and thank you for posting your thoughts for me 🙂

  246.  #246Indigo on September 17, 2013 at 10:00 am

    Thank you for the hugs, Sophie.

    I thought your script for Linda G was awesome.

  247.  #247Linda G on September 17, 2013 at 10:20 am

    And you know what, Sophie & Indigo? He just called and I used those feeling messages and he is fine with it!
    Even said he figured as much and we are going out instead.

    Whew, you girls rock!

    PS if I felt more confident, I would respond more frequently to your issues, too.

    Thank you all for sharing your feelings, even with a stranger like me

  248.  #248Sophie on September 17, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    yay! Linda G I’m so glad you said what felt true to you and he went with it – yay! that feels great 🙂

    I don’t always feel confident sharing either so you are not alone but I have found so much learning and growth and support on this blog – welcome to you 🙂

  249.  #249Gail on October 17, 2013 at 5:21 am

    I just wanted to ask, on the page before this one, you said that if you can’t talk to your man, talk to a friend.

    What if you don’t have any friends, then what?

    From no one to talk to,


  250.  #250Rori Raye on October 17, 2013 at 2:43 pm

    Gail, Welcome, and I deleted your last name for your privacy. Circular Dating applies to making friends, too…Love, Rori