How Do You Let A Nice Man Go? And Should You?

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When A Perfectly Nice Man Doesn’t Bring You Sparks…

The Question:

Carol says, “I would like you to review ways of telling a perfectly nice man you’re not attracted to him and won’t go out with him again.”

My Answer:

The simple answer to this question is: “I’m not available.”

If he asks further, and you like him as a person, it’s “I felt really happy to know you and spend time with you, you’re a great guy, and it just doesn’t feel like a match to me…”

That’s it – you move on, keep Circular Dating, keep the attitude (and this is the truth) that if a match with a man isn’t right for you, it can’t be right for him either.

And yet – there’s a deeper issue here.

I want to really be clear about this: If you can’t kiss a guy after two or three dates – I mean just kiss him and give him a chance – then you’ve got to let him go.

AND – I want you to take a look at the men you want to kiss – because there’s a huge chance you’re just used to choosing wrong.

Your inner “boy” is somehow “doing the looking” at a man – looking at him basically on paper, in your mind and your instinctive, habit-formed reactions – and saying, “He looks good.”

He looks good physically. He looks good financially. He looks like he’s got a good history.

Perhaps you’ve “got a lot in common” (again, that’s on paper and in the mind) – and so your inner boy is making that “yes” choice for you.

The thing is – that choice can’t be made by your inner boy.

That choice has to be made by your inner GIRL.

That choice has to be made from intuition, mixed with a huge awareness of what your real, core needs are in a love relationship, a huge sensitivity to your feelings about YOURSELF when you’re with a man, and a casual disregard for what you may have always thought of as “chemistry.”

It has to be made from how it feels to be with this man, how relaxed and self-loving you feel with him.

To get personal, live help from me, Helena Hart and amazing Rori Raye coaches getting your “girl” flowing and drawing in every man around you…

…check out the new Siren School Gold ongoing class. Of all the new Love School classes, this one is the only one where I teach classes live and coach you on the private Facebook group->

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AND – your inner boy cannot allow you to get emotionally, physically and logistically invested to the point where you start to feel urgent.

The moment you feel urgent about a man, something is wrong.  And if you’re emotionally, physically and logistically invested in him, along with the urgency comes anger.

The anger begins to feel like an attack, because the immediate fallout from a sense of urgency is the intense feeling that we’re being attacked.

Sometimes attacked from the outside – by others, by situations, by circumstance, by the world, by the Universe – and most often from the inside of us. We feel attacked by ourselves, which then makes us feel under attack from the outside.

Attack can look like: “I want to attack him for why he’s being a jerk,” or “I’m afraid he’s going to attack me by dumping me.”

If you’re feeling any of this, what’s going to happen is: your anger, resentment, frustration and disappointment are going to get bigger and bigger. And then you won’t know how to let it out towards him. It’s going to be too late.

The anger, resentment and disappointment you feel is in direct proportion to the energy and effort you’re putting out to the relationship.

In other words, you’re going to be angry with him if he doesn’t step up, because you’re doing stuff to try and make him step up or to keep the relationship going.

If you weren’t doing anything for him or towards him, if you were just watching him, leaning back, flirting with other guys, going dancing, hanging with other men who wanted you – you wouldn’t be anywhere near as angry.

Anger is often just our reaction to feeling empty…

…we feel disappointed on such a deep level that we automatically start to attack ourselves – (which is something I so don’t want you to do!) and then, also automatically (and instinctively) we take the attack outside – to HIM.

The harm this does us is NOT in the emotion of “anger.” Rage is good for you! It’s JUICE for your feminine engine!

The harm it does is in closing us down inside. We shut down to everything – and so we shut down to LOVE.

When you wait for a man because you’re invested, you’re going to become angry.

Once we start to feel the anger, what follows is our sense of attack – and that’s when  communication with him breaks down. That’s when we push him away. That’s when we break things.

So it all starts with a sense of urgency, the sense of attack, the sense of working too hard.

So – the deeper, more complex answer to “How do I say goodbye to a man I’m not attracted to” is: Before you say goodbye, before you simply follow your attractions down the same roads you’ve always gone down, use this moment to ask yourself what you really want.

Ask yourself if you’re pushing what you want away. Perhaps this “nice man” was just an “attempt.” A “try” at going for a “nice man.”

Those of us who’ve tried that have often got a man who has OTHER reasons that would have sent the red flags flying. Just being “nice” isn’t the answer, here.

You may be “not attracted” for reasons OTHER than physical – or “too nice.”

Partnership takes a set of skills. It takes, more than anything, the desire to WANT to be a partner – forever.

And it also takes the ability to hear the other person even when emotions are flying and everyone wants to run or attack.

Start with that when you’re looking for requirements in men and dealbreakers.

See if you can discover inside you an attraction to “partnership” – not to the qualities of any one man. Nice, handsome, well-off, poor, unpleasant, overweight, quiet, interesting – those are just labels.

Forget those labels, and look for partnership and what that feels like.

I so look forward to helping you with your specific, unique challenges in love, and getting your love life completely turned around and flourishing – check out the Siren School Gold here–>>

https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-school-siren-school-gold-membership/

Or simply hit “reply” to this letter to ask me about Siren School, and let me know a bit about you and how you’d like me, Helena Hart and Master Rori Raye Coaches to wave our “magic wand” over your love life!

Love, Rori

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11 Comments

  1.  #1Rori Raye on July 13, 2017 at 8:12 am

    Sometimes, there’s nothing more appealing than a man who “resists.” Let me know if that’s you…Love, rori



  2.  #2Indigo on July 14, 2017 at 12:11 am

    Rori,

    Certainly, once upon a time a man who resisted me would fire up my brain. My rejection reflex would kick in and my thoughts would start going a mile a minute wondering why he said “no.” In many cases, I tried to get him to change his mind. In fact, I did this with one man for years. I suppose I must have thought that if I could do everything right, I could turn his no into a yes.

    It took a lot of practice to stop doing that. A big part of it was realizing that his “no” was not about me. Most of the time, these are non-committal men who will say no to almost all women at some point. Secondly, I realized that resistance was not what I wanted in my life. I want a life of ease and peace. It just eventually becomes too exhausting to keep something going with a person who doesn’t want it as much as you, and you just stop wasting your energy. When a man says no these days, all I say is “ok” and I make myself turn my attention elsewhere.

    Finally, I realized that there are men who want me just as much (and often more) and these are the men who can give me what I want. So gradually, I have been able to overcome my attraction to men who resist. Eventually, those men just become people who don’t want the same things as I do.



  3.  #3Femininewoman on July 15, 2017 at 4:26 am

    Yes that’s me. Unconsciously I’ve believed that I am so powerful I can influence people to change.



  4.  #4Daria on July 15, 2017 at 12:33 pm

    I believe women ARE so powerful we can influence people to change.



  5.  #5Indigo on July 16, 2017 at 11:10 am

    I have seen changes in the people I love. I myself have also grown and changed tremendously because of people I’ve loved, people who’ve hurt me and people who’ve taken the time with me.

    I’ve never seen someone change their fundamental nature though… I’ve also never seen someone change what they deep down wanted out of life as a result of another person. That is to say, I’ve changed because of guys I’ve known and loved. And I’ve seen guys I’ve known and loved change as a result of me. But I’ve never been influenced to change who I am at my core, and I’ve never been influenced to change what I want out of life. I’ve never seen those changes occur in the guys or other people I’ve known either 🙂

    I believe if a man does not want commitment, no woman will make him want to commit. If he does end up happily committing, it is because he changed what he wanted for himself, not because she changed him. That is what I believe.



  6.  #6Daria on July 16, 2017 at 6:25 pm

    im starting to see changes in my family now!



  7.  #7Rori Raye on July 16, 2017 at 9:46 pm

    Yayyyy to inspiring change!



  8.  #8Carmela Worm on July 18, 2017 at 1:01 pm

    Rori Thank you.



  9.  #9mary on July 18, 2017 at 7:50 pm

    Hello Indigo and Daria,

    I’m intrigued by your conversation.

    I believe that change is possible; I’ve seen it so many times. And two men have proposed to me who said they would never, ever marry again. They changed what they wanted for themselves? Yes. And I believe I inspired those changes.

    I’ve seen changes in families, too. One person does something different; it rocks the boat and the system no longer works. Everyone then has to change. And there’s so much resistance at first! And manipulation… but then, gradually, if the catalyst stays in place, changes can happen.

    Oh I’m so attracted to movies where there is transformation in the main character. People live and love and things happen and they react and they learn and grow and change.

    Yes.

    But Feminine Woman! I know what you meant when you said you thought you were so powerful that people would change! I understand that you were possibly talking about ego…

    I don’t think the guys who proposed to me did so because I was powerful. I think they did so because they fell in love with me and wanted to be with me forever, despite what they’d said previously. When they were talking before, it was in the abstract. And I was a real, live human being… so that was possibly the difference.

    I just do believe that change is possible!



  10.  #10Rori Raye on July 27, 2017 at 8:29 pm

    Love your posts! Totally agree with you, Mary, and beautifully put…rori



  11.  #11OpOOka on August 7, 2017 at 3:46 am

    If two people love each other they will change.

    There is no way of knowing if you really like a person or not, and no matter how long you stay together or how many times you go out on dates there is no way of knowing.
    You can feel it thought, that feeling is usually referred to as love.

    If you do not plan on having anything serious with a person then just tell them from the start. It is always important to be honest from the beginning on your intentions.

    I also disagree with a lot of things in this article.
    A Relationship is not a test nor a case study and most definitely not a chess game.