How EFT Works – Try It Out!

Untitled design (14)

locked heartIf you’ve ever wondered how EFT works (I’ve included it in one of my programs, teach it to clients and use it personally) – check it out here:

(I’m not recommending this “summit,” or that you buy anything or go further listening to any of the audios – in fact, this page and video pretty much does the job of giving you all the info you need to get started!):

If you remember Erika Awakening from this blog, she has a lot of stuff around “Tapping” at her site, too:

I once bought the entire system of videos from Gary Craig here (he’s the founder of the whole system):

At that time I thought it was so “complicated” – I needed to be tutored.

Since then, I’ve discovered the idea that’s created all of my Tools –

The easier, faster, less effortfull and mental any good Tool is, the more it gets used – and that’s all that matters. The Practice.

There are also lots of videos on youtube that walk you through a bunch of different situations – so you can just tap along with them! I have several clients who do that.

I think it’s lovely to have all kinds of Tools available whenever you feel “thrown off your square…”

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Femininewoman on April 15, 2013 at 7:16 am

    I love EFT

  2.  #2Elsie on April 15, 2013 at 8:10 am

    HI all….I found this article today and cracked up laughing… ๐Ÿ™‚ Who did this study? I could have told them this!!!!!!!

  3.  #3Mercedes on April 15, 2013 at 8:58 am

    I tried tapping. It did nothing for me at all. Not even the slightest…nothing…

    I wanted it to be for me. I really bought into the things I saw and read about it. My mind was open. I was excited and confident and sure…and it had absolutely zero effect. I was disappointed.

    I guess that’s why it’s important that there are multiple ways of dealing with things that come up. Things that work for one may not work for the next.

    Much Love,

  4.  #4LoveAlways on April 15, 2013 at 9:00 am

    I like the focus part, but the tapping doesn’t help me at all. I do acupuncture though and that helps balance me out. I also meditate

  5.  #5Mercedes on April 15, 2013 at 9:07 am

    LoveAlways: Meditation is what works for me too. Also journaling and reading a book of “reminders” that I have created for myself. It’s just a book of my own prayers and some inspirational quotes and prayers from others, etc. It does help remind me and bring me back to my center.

    I’ve never tried acupuncture but have heard only positive things about it. Maybe someday I’ll take the opportunity to give it a try. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,

  6.  #6Linda on April 15, 2013 at 9:47 am

    Oh Mercedes!…. I had the absolute same discovery about tapping.

    Glad to know that I am not the only one.

  7.  #7LoveAlways on April 15, 2013 at 9:57 am

    Mercedes, your book of reminders sounds beautiful!! I keep a journal and it helps.

  8.  #8Linda on April 15, 2013 at 10:02 am

    My balancer…. is my faith and being authentic and true to my core.

  9.  #9Mercedes on April 15, 2013 at 10:04 am

    Linda: Yup…I also thought I was the only one until I started talking to other people about it. There are lots of us who it doesn’t work for and lots of people who have found comfort in it. As the saying goes…”To each his own”. ๐Ÿ™‚

    LoveAlways: I love my book of reminders. It is also my journal and my prayer book. It has meditations and prayers, my thoughts, etc. I do not journal negatively in it though…ever. It is specifically to remind me of good practices and beautiful things and how much I have to be grateful for and how blessed I am. That sort of “venting” journaling is still something I do to let it all out but I tend to do that stuff with a keyboard instead of a pen so it can be deleted when it no longer serves me (usually right about the time I’m finished writing it). ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,

  10.  #10Femininewoman on April 15, 2013 at 10:22 am

    Tapping brought up so much emotion for me. I was just curious and open when I tried it and was shocked and how much came up and moved around for me. I even memorized some scripts and used them for tapping on my fingertips while walking around. With accupressure I noticed it a physical difference, particularly when they were placed in the soft areas near my ankles and my thumbs.

    I feel really surprised that tapping did not help others. I had no expectations I just wanted to experience it. It really helped me to feel fear and not uncovered a belief of not being wanted.

  11.  #11Smile on April 15, 2013 at 11:27 am

    I tried EFT once but can’t say I did it properly or know enough about it.
    I want to practise lots to be able to say if its for me or not. I’m open to trying it. Will see.

  12.  #12Smile on April 15, 2013 at 11:28 am

    Mercedes, I thought about you the other day…. My letter I wrote myself for the new year has all come true or in the near finished stage ๐Ÿ™‚
    I’m so happy right now!!

  13.  #13Elsie on April 15, 2013 at 11:34 am

    @Mercedes –

    I started a journal – a long time ago. It was what I wanted in a man and a relaitonship. Its not a structured thing. But there are quotes from Rori’s stuff in there etc. And through my journey with my guy (wow I need to come up with a name for him – ok – his name is now “GS”) LOL, it has helped me to look back. I dont really always write in complete sentences, just feelings, or notes, etc. If I feel like he didnt do something, and later he did, I write in the margins *yes he did* etc. It has helped SO much.

    I overfunction in my journal so I dont do it in real life. LOL

  14.  #14Mercedes on April 15, 2013 at 11:47 am

    Smile: That is AWESOME! I honestly can’t remember what I put in mine (and it’s sealed) so I don’t know if mine is coming true or not, but a LOT of good things are happening for me too! YAY Us!!!

    Elsie: I love journaling and no matter how we choose to do it, it is sooooo wonderful. It’s like our own brand of therapy and it costs as much as a pen and paper or as little as the electricity we use to run our computers. ๐Ÿ™‚ LOVE it!!

    Much Love,

  15.  #15Smile on April 15, 2013 at 12:03 pm

    Awesome happy times ๐Ÿ™‚ Mines sealed to but I remember so clearly what I put in. Mostly things have happened by themelves rather than me trying to make them happen. Fate!

  16.  #16Smile on April 15, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    I like writing on here.
    I’m fearful of committing my feelings to paper in case someone reads them. Probably cos I grew up with an older brother who picked the lock on my diary ๐Ÿ™

  17.  #17Mercedes on April 15, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    Smile: That’s what’s so cool about the letter. It’s not really about us “making” anything happen, it’s more about recognizing what we want (out of life, love, career, etc). Once we recognize it and commit it to writing, it becomes easier to unconsciously focus on those dreams and goals. I personally love it. I usually write mine very, very quickly with whatever just sort of comes to mind and I seal it before I read it again. It’s a very spontaneous process for me so I tend to forget easily (but I do remember a couple of things and those are coming along nicely.). It just feels so good to read it the following year and realize how much we’ve accomplished. At least for me it is. Ever since I started it, I’ve had exceptionally good results. I don’t know if it is manifesting or what, but it sure does work. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,

  18.  #18nme008 on April 15, 2013 at 5:29 pm

    Question…S text me about an hour ago and started off by saying “sorry I’m just getting in touch now….” And yesterday started his text off the same way. Almost like he thinks I need an explanation for him not texting 24/7. I don’t need that and don’t want to start off a new thing w these expectations. Maybe he is carrying over stuff from his last relationship? How do I respond and let him know he doesn’t need to apologize?

  19.  #19Olivia on April 15, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    Well, what would your feeling message be? hmmmm leaning back could be “letting” him apologize if he wants to and not judging it since it feels like throwing your energy into HIS mind. How does that feel to you?

  20.  #20nme008 on April 15, 2013 at 5:47 pm

    Yeah I guess it would be. I don’t know, when I hear the sorry part I feel like in his head he is obligated to text me. But that’s me getting in his head right? Lol. Don’t go there.

  21.  #21Elsie on April 15, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    @nme – I agree….you are right – you are getting into his head. You really have no idea why he said he was sorry – most likely he was trying to be polite and show you that he respects you and your time ๐Ÿ™‚

  22.  #22Femininewoman on April 15, 2013 at 6:54 pm

    The sorry thing is tricky to navigate. I would not say anything so early in the game as right now he is putting his best foot forward. As time goes along he will lower his guard. I would let it be so he can feel free to be who he chooses to be.

  23.  #23Linda G on April 15, 2013 at 7:24 pm

    I have been curious about this for awhile. i am going to check it out here

  24.  #24Memulo on April 15, 2013 at 7:49 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    I was so busy lately with work and studying. and nothing was happening romantically either – I didn’t have time to keep up with all the prospects. Plus my NewCD texted something nice before he left for a business trip last Sunday and I did not hear from him till yesterday. Another text.. asking me out for Wednesday night. Well, I was in no rush to answer, but when I did today, I said that I was doing well, thanks and that I’d so much prefer to be asked out over the phone. He called 5 mins later and asked about my schedule for this week. It was cute.

  25.  #25Memulo on April 15, 2013 at 7:52 pm

    Turquoise, my heart goes to you. Isn’t it great that you have your little girls – I am sure they are carrying your Mom’s features and traits in some ways!

  26.  #26Memulo on April 15, 2013 at 7:56 pm

    Just catching up with the blog.

    Happy belate birthday, Dominique!

  27.  #27Memulo on April 15, 2013 at 7:59 pm

    LoveAlways, is he going to do anything about this? I am starting to feel annoyed;)


    You’re much stronger than me, I remove myself out of the picture almost immediately when I sense a ‘competition’. In your case it’s not real, but then how is he reacting to all this? Does he have to talk to her?

  28.  #28Memulo on April 15, 2013 at 8:05 pm

    Nme, I had a CD who always apologized when he didn’t reply right away to my texts. I ignored it.

    On the other hand – I’d make a note for myself to check if he is toxic. Some toxic men at the very beginning try to behave their best, like proving to themselves that they can do it, because they know that soon they will stop answering all your texts or start contacting you sporadically. It’s way too much of an assumption here! ๐Ÿ˜‰ Just a thought.

  29.  #29Indigo on April 15, 2013 at 9:09 pm

    prplpsn28 (from previous thread)

    I wouldn’t contact him, if I were you. Chances are he is not contacting you because he is dealing with his emotions.

    But for me, I would really ask myself if this amount of contact/time together is ok with you.

  30.  #30Indigo on April 15, 2013 at 9:13 pm

    I am doing well. It is going on a week that I have not contacted D.

    I feel ok, calm… which exceeds my wildest expectations of how I thought I would feel. It feels weird not talking to him. Sometimes I feel like “yes! I am moving forward with my life.” Other times I feel like I’m wading through treacle or concrete, not really moving forward at all.

    For now, I’m just going to try and be grateful for the peace of mind I have. Lots of things coming up for me during this time about how I could love myself and look out for myself more and what that means. *sigh*

  31.  #31Tereana on April 16, 2013 at 1:06 am

    Here is one thought about tapping – maybe it doesn’t feel like it “works” if you have nothing to bring up; nothing to shift around. Mercedes, you sound like you are in such a good place in your life, and have so much balance and clarity, that tapping likely has no effect, only because there’s nothing for it to “do.” that doesn’t mean that it isn’t doing anything at all.

    Now, do I think tapping is the ultimate solution? No. It’s just one way of addressing things, like Rori and others have said.

    I’m not too crazy about it, personally. I’ve tried it, and I liked it, and I thought I felt some “shift.” but overall, I didn’t find that it changed any patterns, or really opened anything up for me. But I still think there is something to it. Actually, sometimes just tapping on meridian points without words can be helpful. But you have to get the right points.

    I don’t know all that much about the meridian system, but for some reason that I can’t explain, it works. There are points that induce labor in a pregnant woman. I know because I’ve done it. Twice. (they asked me to.) The Chinese have figured something out and it’s not a joke…

    BUT, in the same vein, you will likely only feel something on a point if a shift needs to happen. If it’s active. Otherwise, it will likely feel like nothing…

  32.  #32Tereana on April 16, 2013 at 1:07 am


  33.  #33Tereana on April 16, 2013 at 1:16 am

    Speaking of shift…I had a great ‘inner experience’ today. I was walking along, and I was thinking about how I was feeling. And I realized that all my life, I’ve just gotten really good at swimming in an ocean of shame. I’ve been told all my life that this shame was Love and so I might as well get used to it. I pretended to enjoy it. But then I noticed how poisonous and toxic it felt. I thought I should get out and get into an ocean of Love. But I did something else instead. I realized that I could swim no matter what – shame or love – and that, really, it was the same ocean. I decided that an act of alchemy could turn the shame-ocean into an ocean of love by changing the composition of it, and as I thought of it, I noticed a big change in how I felt inside. Suddenly, just like that, it changed. I imagined all good things coming toward me in my life. And I went on to have a great (rest of the) day, and lots of good things DID arrive.

    I decided also (during my walking meditation) that I could focus on catching the good things and dealing with those, instead of trying to catch a the “bad” or challenging things.

    It was a good day for inner shifts, I guess…

  34.  #34Syreena on April 16, 2013 at 1:37 am

    I felt unable to say politely to someone that I wasn’t interested.
    I moved away several times. for him to pop up again.
    He appeared harmless enough to chat to. but kept wanting to dance with me and smelt really bad of cigarettes and alcohol. I really can’t stand either.
    It is the etiquette to not refuse a dance, started to feel so uncomfortable I felt close to leaving the dance early because of this one man.

  35.  #35Syreena on April 16, 2013 at 1:40 am

    At times I feel unable to speak my truth in a non offensive way. I either sit there tolerating something I do not want or move away when I get my chance only for them to pop back up again or get to the point where I am really rude.

    It feels difficult to be in between.

  36.  #36Indigo on April 16, 2013 at 4:13 am

    Thank you Tereana Xx

    Isn’t it amazing how visuals can help change the way you feel about things? I am also a “visuals” kind of a person. I liked your description of the alchemy of the shame-ocean.

  37.  #37Indigo on April 16, 2013 at 4:16 am

    Syreena 35

    The first several times you speak up, it’s messy and feels as if you are going too far to the other extreme, that’s just because you’re flexing an emotional “muscle” that hasn’t been used much before. The more you practice setting boundaries with other people the better you’ll get at it, and the less force you’ll need. That was my experience, anyway.

  38.  #38Zia on April 16, 2013 at 6:13 am

    So i just tried the tapping and it seemed to work really well!! Will keep trying it out whenever i feel myself getting worked up about something and see how it goes ๐Ÿ™‚

  39.  #39Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 6:24 am

    Syreena – that’s great practice for you to speak up. For me I believe I am allergic to nicotene as it makes me feel nauseous, headachy and like I want to sneeze all the time. So I practice saying those things.

  40.  #40Mel on April 16, 2013 at 6:35 am

    nme- Questionโ€ฆS text me about an hour ago and started off by saying โ€œsorry Iโ€™m just getting in touch nowโ€ฆ.โ€

    In the past, I have handled these sort of situations by saying something like:

    “No worries! I am feeling all warm and sunny right now; feeling happy to finally get outside in the spring sunshine! :)” (or some other FM about something I am currently doing or experiencing).

    I am a siren and I care not what men do when they aren’t around….because I am too busy doing my sireny happy things. La la la…. ๐Ÿ™‚

  41.  #41Mercedes on April 16, 2013 at 6:38 am

    Tereana: “Here is one thought about tapping โ€“ maybe it doesnโ€™t feel like it โ€œworksโ€ if you have nothing to bring up; nothing to shift around. Mercedes, you sound like you are in such a good place in your life, and have so much balance and clarity, that tapping likely has no effect, only because thereโ€™s nothing for it to โ€œdo.โ€ that doesnโ€™t mean that it isnโ€™t doing anything at all.”

    I had to smile a little when I read that. I do have things that come up in my life and things going on that aren’t so balanced and together. Those things generally don’t relate to my relationship at all so I rarely share them here (although on occasion I have been known to go off on a tangent about work or something else completely unrelated to what Rori’s blog has as a focus). But I do have lots of stuff from the past that needs healing and the stuff that has healed (or is at least scabbed over) was helped a lot more by journaling and meditation. The tapping, even at a very low point in my life where I really, really was open and accepting of it making a change and affecting me in some way just didn’t…

    I don’t know, like I said, I think we all have those things that work for us and those things that don’t (similar to conventional medicine…some things our bodies just don’t respond to). I find myself so appreciative of the wealth of knowledge, information and tools and ideas that we, in this day and age, have at our fingertips.

    (Why is this place so quiet lately? I used to wake up to hundreds of posts. Is everyone on another thread?)

    Much Love,

  42.  #42Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 6:43 am

    “Some” are on another thread.

  43.  #43Mercedes on April 16, 2013 at 6:46 am

    FW: Maybe that’s it then. It just feels so strange. Like a lot less conversation happening here than in the past. But…I’m also no longer subscribed to a million posts so that probably cuts down on the messages as well. lol

    Hope you are having a most fantastic day beautiful lady!

    Much Love,

  44.  #44Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 6:48 am

    I love this advice:-

    Rori Raye says:
    Dee โ€“ Welcome โ€“ and what a great situation and question! This is the point at which you have to SPEAK!!! And speak the truth โ€“ just as youโ€™ve told it to us here. You need to simply feel powerful enough to be able to say โ€œNoโ€ no matter what. This isnโ€™t about sex โ€“ you can have sex with a man whenever you want and itโ€™ll make no difference to the relationship. This is about YOUR confidence, what you want, and your FEAR of your lack of confidence and displeasing a man.

    Write yourself a speech like this one โ€“ where you say you felt so flattered by his flirting, and yet youโ€™re kind of new to dating, and so it feels a bit overwhelming, and it would feel best to just be clear about sex, since it got brought up. That you really like him, and arenโ€™t ruling out sex once you get to know him better, but that youโ€™re a slow starter and may need some time to just really make out with him first!

    Donโ€™t give a timeline, or how many datesโ€ฆjust โ€“ if he brings it up again, or is suggestive โ€“ get straight with him. And then โ€“ if you like him and feel attracted to him โ€“ DO make out with him โ€“ and say NO when youโ€™ve gone as far as you want to go. If he doesnโ€™t call again โ€“ well, then youโ€™ve smoked him out! Love, Rori

  45.  #45Linda G on April 16, 2013 at 7:26 am

    “At times I feel unable to speak my truth in a non offensive way. I either sit there tolerating something I do not want or move away when I get my chance only for them to pop back up again or get to the point where I am really rude”.

    I find myself in the same perdicament, being overly nice to cover up my disintrest or displeasure and then I feel resentful when I find myself engaged in a situation I really didn’t want in the first place.

  46.  #46Linda G on April 16, 2013 at 7:28 am

    I am also finding guys making demands very early on, such as, “if you have kids at home, how do you have sex, travel with a man?” Etc etc
    This really turns me off, but worse, makes me defensive and apologetic

  47.  #47Hayley Mathis on April 16, 2013 at 7:40 am

    Good morning Rori,

    My name is Hayley Mathis, and I’m the editor-in-chief of, an all-inclusive dating resource site. I apologize for posting this inquiry in your comment section, but I couldn’t find the appropriate contact information.

    A bit about We launched more than a year ago. We see 250K unique visitors and 500K page views per month. We offer advice from industry experts like Dr. Wendy Walsh, David Wygant, Julie Spira and more! We frequently get mentions from CNN, FoxNews, HLN and others.

    With that said, I wanted to see if you’d be interested in guest blogging for us!

    If so, let me know and I can send you our guest blogging guidelines ๐Ÿ™‚


  48.  #48Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 8:07 am

    Linda G – with whom do you have sex? Do you assume that you have to have sex with every man you date?

  49.  #49Dominique on April 16, 2013 at 8:15 am

    Linda G – Every person who crosses your path is an opportunity to learn and grow.

    When speaking your truth, you can do so calmly, and you would make it about how YOU feel, not how the other person make you feel, for they cannot control your feelings. You may allow them to, something to notice and work on.

    If disinterested – I’m just not feeling a connection here. Thank you.

    And move on.

    If offended – This feel bad. or This feels really uncomfortable.

    You can move on, or stay for a bit and see if it’s not just nervousness showing up in him.

    Try to remember that people are doing the best they can in each and every moment. It may not seem that way, yet this may be all they know.

    Now I would ask you if you are truly working on being open and curious about these men? Or are you maybe harboring expectations whether they be good feeling or not so good feeling?

    Are you holding onto assumptions?

    Open and curious means an as clean slate with this person in front of you as possible.


  50.  #50Linda G on April 16, 2013 at 8:18 am

    Feminine woman,
    I only just started dating again. I am not having sex with anybody. The men I am dating are asking me about this issue. I have kids at home who are still in high school.

    I find the men assume we will have sex, or need to know its doable before they get involved. It sort of triggers me and makes me feel put upon.
    I had my kids late and the men I date have grown kids

  51.  #51Linda G on April 16, 2013 at 8:22 am

    Dominique, I am trying to stay open and not take offense, considering they just might be awkward, etc.

    Yesterday a guy totally freaked out in a voicemail to me, saying “you have kid, don’t like to travel, (to men) and lots of stuff going on and maybe you just dont really want to date so lets forget it”
    All because I didn’t return his call, when I never had his number!

  52.  #52BeLoved on April 16, 2013 at 8:26 am

    Heard from the man I obsessed over for 16 years …just a quick hello and call me sometime. I considered it and just…no. I haven’t talked to him for 3 years and the last time I did, he got off the phone with me so he could fight and argue with the woman he left me for, who was by then his ex (who was already remarried…!). My feelings for him pretty much died right then and I told him so when I responded to his message.

    He was nonplussed – okay, just hit me up sometime once in a blue moon, whenever…
    I felt sensation in my heart, as if a cord had dissolved and was retracting back into my heart and healing.

    Shortly thereafter, I received a text from T which felt really good. There’s just no comparison, between a man who is always just out of reach and the one who has been steadfast, loyal, who I can tell everything, who tells me everything, who totally appreciates my love and who I am to the core, and can talk for hours and hours and still be interested in each other, after all these years. When I think of how I jeopardized my relationships behind feelings of pining for the unavailable guy, I just wanna smack my forehead and shake my head in disbelief. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I also felt warm and sweet receiving a text from T. It put a smile on my face. Over the weekend I had asked him what he thought about sending me a short text every now and then, because it makes me feel so good and he said he had just been thinking about that himself, but our time zones and sleeping hours are different and he didn’t want to wake me but now that he knows I keep my phone off at night, he’s happy to.

    Oh, ahaha, on a tangent – I just realized, I thought the guys I play dominos with were holding back on me until I played with strangers last night – I’ve been holding back on them. I have a bigger mean streak and stronger killer instinct than I have let on with them, because we work together and I didn’t want to just tear them up. It’s not fun to lose over and over again…but I played with other people last night, to hone my skills, and BAM…I was a shark. I love it! I’m looking for professionals to play with so I can just let loose and not worry about whether I might be getting too good.

  53.  #53prplpsn28 on April 16, 2013 at 8:39 am

    I hate it when the threads change. I’m still posting on a previous one and then feel like I get no response. Don’t feel like transferring what I posted from there to here. Oh well.

  54.  #54Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 8:44 am

    Linda G all of that is so not relevant to having sex, in my humble opinion. I would take it as an opening to discuss your ideas around sex. For instance if you need to be in a committed relationship to have sex then I believe this is an opening to discuss what you want in your life. It is their business if they want to go around jumping to conclusions.

  55.  #55Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 8:46 am

    prplpsn28 – How are you? I read your comments on the other thread.

    Life changes. The only constant in life is change. Resisting the changes that life brings is only putting oneself through unnecessary stress.

  56.  #56elsie on April 16, 2013 at 8:49 am

    Linda….it sounds to me as if you dodged a bullet with this guy. He sounds way too intense and needy and toxic.

  57.  #57prplpsn28 on April 16, 2013 at 8:53 am

    I can’t get out of the feeling of being frustrated with my situation. Today I feel like I want to give up. Tho DEEP down I know I prob won’t. I have ordered ALL of Rori’s programs at her special rate she has going on now. We’ll see what happens. My emotions are so jumbled up today I can’t even express them properly on here. Any suggestions? Any specific program I should tackle first? I’ve already read the ebook and watched only part of Modern Siren.

  58.  #58Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 8:54 am

    Linda G – It sort of triggers me and makes me feel put upon.

    I would check with myself to see why this is so triggering. It seems they might be just making statements and asking questions. Maybe just checking if you are okay with casual sex. How will a guy know what we are open to? How else can we establish our boundaries? How else can he get an opportunity to know what you feel uncomfortable with?

  59.  #59Mercedes on April 16, 2013 at 8:58 am

    Linda G: โ€œif you have kids at home, how do you have sex, travel with a man?โ€ – My response: “how I manage to have sex is not something I intend to discuss with a man who I don’t intend to have sex with. How I manage to travel with a man is not something I intend to discuss with a man who hasn’t asked me to go on a trip with him” Smile. Wink. Never see him again.

    Sorry…that line of questioning is rude and inappropriate. What makes a man think that’s even okay to bring up with a woman? How we manage our lives with work and children and dating and whatever else we have going on is not exactly romantic date conversation material. These guys have nothing better to discuss with a Goddess than that??? Yuck!

    Much Love,

  60.  #60Indigo on April 16, 2013 at 8:59 am

    prplpsn 28

    Emotions are going to do what they do – just try to remember that they are fluid and moving, and not permanent. Rori’s stuff will help you feel strong, whatever you are feeling.

  61.  #61ALA on April 16, 2013 at 9:16 am

    I feel relaxed, calm, balanced when I tap. I can feel my vibration rising from lower vibration emotions like anxiety to a higher vibration, like contentment. I like the simplicity and ease of being able to do it any time and anywhere to feel more balanced when I feel stressed.

    ugh, ugh, ugh, d publicly dumped the second girl since me and is now trying to get my attention. I first cried, then felt anger… and bored with his cat and mouse games.

  62.  #62Dominique on April 16, 2013 at 9:18 am

    Linda G – 50 – And there will be men such as this. So notice, acknowledge that this isn’t what you want, and keep making room for what you do.

    The clearer you become on yourself, your healing, what you want and don’t want, your boundaries in other words, the more open your heart can be even in the face of things which feel bad, the more the kind of men you do want will begin to show up.


  63.  #63Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 9:20 am

    Elsie I think he sounds horny. I don’t even think she dodged a bullet. It seems to me her intuition is working and she is paying attention, trusting herself which will smoke certain guys out.

    Mercedes you are really something. Kinda sharp. I tend to try to be openminded and assuming there is a lesson there because in the past I would not bat an eye to slap such guys down in a heartbeat without a second thought. Nowadays, I would rather hope that such guys are clueless rather than rude. He is hunting to have his needs satisfied and might have met other women who allowed this type of intrusion.

  64.  #64Linda G on April 16, 2013 at 9:22 am

    Heart connection toolkit

    This has meditations and exercises to help you feel grounded and soft

  65.  #65Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 9:23 am

    ALA maybe try Mercedes style on this one. Call him out on his game and try to see if you could add some playfulness in there. Let him see what he lost.

  66.  #66Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 9:25 am

    Being sensitive to prplpsn I believe she said she was a bit financially challenged right now. There is a lot of freebees on the Internet and I am thinking some kind of mediation ritual might help. Check out MindValley, Arielle Ford, Christie Whitman and Burt Goldman. They have visualizations and meditation mp3s that are free.

  67.  #67Linda G on April 16, 2013 at 9:29 am

    Feminine woman et al,
    I actually feel its too early to even broach the topic of sex and logistics. This is on a first date! So i just answered, well, I havent been dating so it hasnt been an issue.

    Anyway, the guy who got mad when I was unavailable on the phone got me feeling so guilty. I tend to shut down around men and want to see if I can stay open. After emailing him, he called again. I found myself convincing him I was just shy and agreed to go out with him again!
    Now I feel this second date has too much importance. The guy who is working on my kitchen wanted to come the day I made this date for (lunch t a place I hate) but I rescheduled my carpenter so as not to piss this guy off.

    I am practicing being open I guess

  68.  #68Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 9:30 am

  69.  #69Linda G on April 16, 2013 at 9:31 am

    Mercedes, yuck is right

    But here I am being nice to cover my feeling of yuck

  70.  #70Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 9:35 am

    “I rescheduled my carpenter so as not to piss this guy off” – oh no.

    “I actually feel its too early to even broach the topic of sex and logistics”. My humble opinion it is never too early. Once a man brings it up, it is time to discuss it. I have had guys bring it up on the first phone call telling me what they like. One guy I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. I let them talk, just listen. Sometimes that is the first and last call I get from the guy. I choose to believe that they feel my vibe. I am a Goddess who does not do casual sex. I sometimes tell them I feel totally uncomfortable discussing my private life with strangers.

  71.  #71Mercedes on April 16, 2013 at 9:37 am

    FW: “He is hunting to have his needs satisfied and might have met other women who allowed this type of intrusion.” – That is probably right. I just don’t see anything wrong with letting someone know that behavior is inappropriate. lol. I know…not my place, but wow…questions like that from a man you are on a date with…I don’t know. Seems common sense that it’s pretty inappropriate even if some women have allowed it in the past.

    I love your way of being able to see things from a different perspective. I really love it. For me, I guess I’m feeling too old for that sometimes. I’d rather just move people on out of my life. I like the line “Next!” when it’s time to move on.

    All of that is also easy for me to say. I’m not out there dating and actually faced with a man being rude (or clueless) in front of me at any given time.

    Much Love,

  72.  #72Linda G on April 16, 2013 at 9:38 am

    I feel so disappointed sometimes in this logistical exchange with these guys. I may not be in my 20’s anymore, but I want romance, I want attention, affection and sex to just happen, not to be a bargaining chip

  73.  #73Linda G on April 16, 2013 at 9:40 am

    I suppose I was so flattered by his compliments and trying to please me during our first date, I wanted to make sure I didnt dismiss him prematurely

  74.  #74Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 9:46 am

    Linda G I am not in my 20s either and want to assure you that there is still an ocean of men out there. No need to be a “soup kitchen girl” in the world of dating. Just a couple of weeks ago a soon to be 60-year old widow told me that she knows there is a man out there with her name on him. Lo and behold two weeks ago she was surprised by a proposal from a man who she least expected it from.

  75.  #75ALA on April 16, 2013 at 9:46 am

    FW – I feel afraid to give him any of my energy, that it will suck me back in.

    What would Mercedes say? It makes me giggle to think of her smacking him down, playfully. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  76.  #76Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 9:48 am

    Loving yourself does mean:

    “I am responsible for learning to manage and regulate my own feelings so that I don’t dump my anger, neediness and pain on you.”

    “I am responsible for defining my own worth and giving myself the attention I need, so that I am not in need of getting this from you, and so I can share my love with you, including supporting you in doing what brings you joy.”

  77.  #77Janie baby on April 16, 2013 at 9:53 am

    How do I deal with beig sexually dissatisfied? He seems content having sex once a week. I want more. If I try to he says he doesn’t like how I’m pressuring him. He likes to be the one to initiate. But he rarely does! And we talked about going on a beach vacation this summer and I was saying oh it would be so nice we could have sex in the morning and at night and stay at the beach all day. He said he doesn’t like to plan it in advance and just let I happen. I said me too but I like sex haha. When I have mentioned being sexually incompatible in the past he gets defensive. Or he says tomorrow. And it doesn’t happen. I’ve had sex three times in the past few weeks and we are in our early twenties. I don’t want to force him to want to. I just don’t know if its gonna be like this forever and as much as I love him I can’t live like this forever. I feel sexually rejected. Anyone have any ideas on scripts or a way to approach this? I’ve started fantasizing about other men.

  78.  #78seahorse on April 16, 2013 at 9:53 am

    Good morning Sirens,

    I am going to go back and get caught up, but first………….FW THANK YOU!!!! You had put up the connection thing for Love Revolution and I went and signed up and among other things I downloaded the free e-book from Margaret Paul. Absolute gold and I feel such joy!!! It’s like a search ended and all the other things from Rori and a few other things lined up and went PRESTO!!!!! She is lovely and Thank you for the light.

  79.  #79Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 9:53 am

    ALA – I feel incompetent at the cat and mouse game that you seem so committed to playing. I might forget that I am the cat thinking that I am a lion or a creature with fangs and end up chewing you up and spitting you out. To your detriment.

  80.  #80Linda G on April 16, 2013 at 10:00 am

    “Soup kitchen girl”

    How so?

  81.  #81Indigo on April 16, 2013 at 10:07 am

    Last night money arrived in my account from D, and it was more than I was expecting.

    And this morning he sent me a message asking how I am, and whether the money came through.

    It made me feel softer towards him, which I didn’t really want to feel, and I told him that I missed nights at home with him. But that was all.

    I am a siren and I can handle my feelings. I’m just going to keep moving forward, and away from him.

  82.  #82Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 10:07 am

    “How do I deal with beig sexually dissatisfied?”

    My opinion is ask yourself if this is what you want in your life.

  83.  #83Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 10:09 am

    Linda G that is Carol Allen’s terminology. Either you are a banquet babe who knows it is raining men around the corner or a soup kitchen girl who is so starved for attention that she will take anything that is available. Even if it makes her sick.

  84.  #84Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 10:17 am

    Indigo – feeling softer is good. Moving forward yes.

  85.  #85Linda G on April 16, 2013 at 10:31 am


    Gotta change that!

  86.  #86Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 10:40 am

    Just saw this in an email:-

    Ordinary people believe only in the possible. Extraordinary people visualize not what is possible or probable, but rather what is impossible. And by visualizing the impossible, they begin to see it as possible.

    โ€” Cherie Carter-Scott

    After finishing fourth, just out of medal contention in the 1500 meters of the 1952 Olympics, British track athlete Roger Bannister set a new goal. A goal that according to many was not only lofty, but humanly impossible.

    At the time, no one had ever run a sub-4 minute mile. No one. In fact, many so-called authorities said it simply couldnโ€™t be done. But Roger didnโ€™t seem to care. His goal was to break 4 minutes, and in a 1954 meet at Oxford, he did just that.

    Since that time, thousands of track athletes have run the mile in less than 4 minutes, and whatโ€™s most interesting is that the sub-4 minute times came rolling in almost immediately after Roger first accomplished it.

    Why then had no one ever accomplished it before?

    For years and years, no one, not a single person, was able to do it. Was it because they lacked ability? We donโ€™t think so. Nothing magical happened in 1954 to make human beings instantly faster.

    You see, the limitation was 100% mental.

    In a more recent years, no one thought that a 6โ€™5โ€ lanky sprinter could ever be a true Olympic competitor (sprinters are naturally short and stocky). But although he didnโ€™t fit the typical sprinter build, Jamaican Usain Bolt set his mind on being an Olympic Champion at a young age.

    And in the 2008 Olympic games in Beijing, Usain Bolt not only accomplished his dream of winning Olympic gold, but he did it while completely annihilating world records in both the 100 and 200 meters. And again he reigned #1 in 2012.

    Stories like this really inspire us, because they remind us that truly anything is possible.

    Coach Josh

  87.  #87Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 10:43 am

    ALA – RE 78: that is what my mind would come up with. Mercedes call men out on things they are doing.

  88.  #88Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 10:44 am

    You are welcome, seahorse.

  89.  #89Indigo on April 16, 2013 at 10:55 am

    FW 83

    Do you think so?

    That was the conclusion I eventually came to, but it made me feel vulnerable, and I’ve been feeling so strong all week.

  90.  #90Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 11:00 am

    Indigo – RE 88: vulnerable/strong?

    I get a sense that you associate vulnerable with weakness?

  91.  #91ALA on April 16, 2013 at 11:02 am

    I’m thinking of the “Tom & Jerry” cartoon, and I’m the mouse being hunted.

    I am visualizing being a lion.

    I feel triggered by that word… committed.

  92.  #92Indigo on April 16, 2013 at 11:04 am


    Intellectually, I know vulnerability is not weakness, yet it feels that way – it’s definitely not something I feel comfortable showing him at this stage.

    On the plus side, it was authentic.

  93.  #93Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 11:11 am

    “itโ€™s definitely not something I feel comfortable showing him at this stage”

    I am questioning myself if I am committed to getting out of my comfort zone and practicing being vulnerable with everyone at all times?

  94.  #94Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 11:16 am

    ALA you get to choose. Being a mouse feels masculine to me right now. They need strong legs and stamina to keep running. If you choose to be the mouse, in this context you have decided that this guy is not good for you. So maybe, just maybe turning around to face him might not be such a bad option. He might get bored because there is nothing to chase. You are not participating in his drama. That wy he gets bored and drops it.

    You get to choose what you think/visualize and how you act.

  95.  #95ALA on April 16, 2013 at 11:22 am

    I like feeling pursued. I feel comfortable leaving it at that.

    It’s all words and no action anyways.

  96.  #96prplpsn28 on April 16, 2013 at 11:29 am

    I just received all 8 of Rori’s programs. Oh my! Where do I start? Do I continue with and finish Modern Siren first? Or do I go to Love Scripts that may help me talk to him now and hopefully resolve our current misunderstanding? Any tips?

  97.  #97Liquid Light on April 16, 2013 at 11:32 am

    I’m starting to feel like I need to move. I think I’m feeling too hemmed in here in this small mountain town. My world needs to expand and I think I need to move back to the Bay Area. This was feeling really awful yesterday, like I have failed once again by having things not work out with yet another move, but now its starting to feel exciting. Feeling really excited about all the interesting and accomplished and creative people I’m going to meet. (So tired by the lack of ambition of many of the men around me here…think 50 yr old “ski-bum” etc) Also, will be fun to tap into a larger vegan group of people and have more of a support system with that. And of course will have the support of my family who will be closer by.

    I’m so glad that this is starting to feel like a positive step that I can be excited about rather than a negative one that feels like I am running away from something that failed.

    Interesting…and exciting!


  98.  #98Libelula on April 16, 2013 at 11:33 am

    prplpsn28: When I signed up for all 8, I also received an email that gave me suggestions on what order to listen to them according to my situation.

    Here’s the Suggestion Sequence url

  99.  #99Liquid Light on April 16, 2013 at 11:38 am

    Today is my mother’s birthday.

    Happy Birthday Mom!!

  100.  #100prplpsn28 on April 16, 2013 at 11:39 am

    Thanks Libelula. I will check that out.

  101.  #101Libelula on April 16, 2013 at 11:48 am

    prplpsn28: your welcome. every time I look at your moniker, I think “purple person people eater” =)

    Wow – Mr UnA has really come around this last week. I’m feeling overwhelmed. I am surprised by my reaction. In the same time frame, I was reminded about my first love who played the “come here – go away” game with me. And I have to wonder if that is part of my insecurities with men. I felt like, at any time, the rug could be pulled out from under me. Sometimes it feels hard to trust myself in this situation.

    Comments are welcome & asked for

  102.  #102Smile on April 16, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    Does anyone have sOme good names to call a man other than handsome… He likes pet names but I’ve never been a pet name person and it feels weird like baby cakes and sweet cheeks just makes me wanna laugh!
    I do want to do this though!!! Just got to find a pet name I’m comfy with … So what ya got sirens….

  103.  #103Smile on April 16, 2013 at 12:05 pm


    Sorry I’m not sure what You want comments on? Can you give me some more info? Do you mean your fearful incase the same thing happens with this guy?

  104.  #104Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 12:10 pm

    Smile what does he like. Any special thing that you can depend on him for? Any particular sport he likes, or way to dress? I look for things right in front of me when I think of names for people.

  105.  #105Mercedes on April 16, 2013 at 12:16 pm

    Smile: J is just “J” or “Baby” to me. He also calls me by my first initial or “Baby”. We almost never use each other’s first name (as a matter of fact, he even introduces me to other people using my initial. I do use his full name when introducing him though). I think we use the occasional “Honey” too. Other than that, we really don’t use any. For the record, Baby Cakes and Sweet Cheeks makes me giggle too and I don’t think I would like it. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Libelula: I think it’s pretty normal to feel overwhelmed sometimes when men start to really do what we want. I would encourage you to lean back and just feel all you are receiving. Now is probably a good time for a thankfulness journal as well so you can be certain you are fully appreciating all the wonderful things he does. The intensity, in my experience, doesn’t last long. As he settles into a more “normal” state of being and you become more accepting and able to receive, it can (very likely) turn into sheer bliss with the right person. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,

  106.  #106Smile on April 16, 2013 at 12:18 pm


    He loves road cycling, Formula 1 car racing, poker, football,
    His dress is very stylish, he loves designer names and bright colours, his shoes can be glitzy and funky but I’ve never seen him wear them. His favourite colours are purple red and orange. He’s always on time and hates lateness, he’s an organiser and gets stuff done, he’s very affectionate and cute although I know he won’t want to be cute. He’s playful and Loves to have fun, he’s emotional and will cry when he’s moved. He’s educated and knowlegeable and loves
    researching about stuff in current news and around history. He loves travelling and enjoying different cultures.

    Wow youd think I’d get some idea for a pet name but nope…

  107.  #107Smile on April 16, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    Mercedesi can kind of see ‘baby’ work for me like… Hey baby… He calls me babes. Hmmm I’ll keep trying to say it in my head and see how it fits. Mercy x

  108.  #108Mercedes on April 16, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    Smile: Except for a few points, you could call him J. LOL! Our men seem to have a lot in common! Is he an Aquarius too?


    Much Love,

  109.  #109Indigo on April 16, 2013 at 12:25 pm


    That is fun! It is hard to make suggestions without knowing him ๐Ÿ™‚

    I have always liked “Love”. My ex-husband used to call me “my Heart” which I really loved.

  110.  #110Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    Stylish athlete came to me. I would look for something that acknowledges and complements who he is.

  111.  #111Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    Or to reinforce something you want affectionate athlete.

  112.  #112Smile on April 16, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    Ah mercedes he’s an Aries! I’ve got a great one here ๐Ÿ™‚

  113.  #113Smile on April 16, 2013 at 12:34 pm


    Love and sweetheart come naturally to me too, I call the children in my class this so it would feel weird to call amb it. I call my friends Hun… Hey I guess I do use pet names after all.. Just got to find one that fits! Thank you

  114.  #114Libelula on April 16, 2013 at 12:35 pm

    Smile – That’s a good question. I’m not sure how to quantify what I was looking for, but Mercedes answered me.

    Pet names – I usually find something about their appearance, personality or how they pursue me as the kind of pet name I give them. I called one guy teddy bear b/c he really looked like a teddy bear (he wasn’t pudgy at all). Another guy Bugs b/c of his mischevious nature. One guy I gave a nonsensical name b/c of that was how he made me feel. The name didn’t mean anything, but the sound described my feelings.

    I forget who wrote about teasing, but yeah, guys REALLY like that! And it is so much fun, once I feel comfortable enough with the guy to tease them. Most of them really enjoy it & like to tease back. It’s also been a good way for me to find out about the guy, too

  115.  #115Smile on April 16, 2013 at 12:35 pm

    FW, yey I’ve just thought of one based on something he’s doing now! Love this way of looking at it. I can be fun and creative with this rather than call him the same name, mercy ๐Ÿ™‚

  116.  #116ALA on April 16, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    LL – It’s my daughter’s birthday today too!

    Love her immensely! ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚

  117.  #117prplpsn28 on April 16, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    I have 3 different pet names for H. They came about cuz of either something he’s done or something playful between him and I. Occasionally he’s called me Sunshine but he doesn’t really use pet names too much. I would like it if he did more often tho.

  118.  #118Mercedes on April 16, 2013 at 12:48 pm

    Smile: What sign are you? Just curious.

    Much Love,

  119.  #119Smile on April 16, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    I’m a libra ๐Ÿ™‚

  120.  #120Smile on April 16, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    Im going to have a whole collection of pet names, I love the idea of it coming from an action or him, so it’s his name not just any pet name. Thanks sirens!

  121.  #121Mercedes on April 16, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    I just got put into an “honesty right now” game at work. My friend asked me “What are you thinking about. Honestly. Right now.” I had to answer honestly so I said (honestly). “I wish I would have said ‘no onions’ on the sandwich I had for lunch.”

    I don’t know if she’s going to want to play that game with me again.

    I don’t know if she knows it could have been worse…


  122.  #122seahorse on April 16, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    It works. The opening and being only me is working. The nv trying to be heard and acknowledged, the emitting vibe is one of DONT SEE ME…………. Shhhhhh shhhh shhhhh I love you voice its okay come out come out and have a hug and I love you light falling all over me and the voice. Open and breathing through it. In the wink of an eye that happens and then I smile at people. And know what????? they smile back. And then people talk to me again and i felt such a missing them, all the people everywhere. All people. Like I was on a time out and now I’m not. HAHAHAHa!!! That freakin simple. Smiling!!! I feel sad that I didn’t know what i know now. No regrets, all in our own time.
    What’s the vibe?? Is it shiny bright love and excitment for life…Is it love…. Is it peace… It feels like magic and here in my chest and peace. And it feels like a heavy lead lined stinky coat fell off of me. I feel light I am light and I really am enjoying this. Ease.

    More work to do only it’s not work. It’s ……. I don’t know, it doesn’t feel like work just open. Yeah,open.

    And I flirted. I smiled and winked at a couple of men. And it felt daring and silly good and playful. Just passing banter and I did it. Hahahahahahaha!!!! woo hoo!! i am remembering how much fun that was and now i feel anticipation in being around all the paople and smiling! Smiling is my favorite. Thank you Sirens

  123.  #123Dominique on April 16, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    Smile – You know you are polar opposites, yes? One of the best unions in astrology. With me and K it’s reversed, he Libra, me Aries.


  124.  #124Liquid Light on April 16, 2013 at 1:11 pm


    How cool that’s its also your daughter’s birthday!

    Happy Birthday to her too! ๐Ÿ™‚

  125.  #125Smile on April 16, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    Hi dominique! I love that were polar opposites! I see it A lot in our relationship, ive just been reading about our compatibility and it just makes me so giddy with excitement!!!

    Part of me wants to share this with him but I’m held back by what am I trying to prove? Show? Think I’ll just let it all unfold naturally x

  126.  #126seahorse on April 16, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    I feel scared of tapping. A voice saying NO YOU LEAVE HER ALONE!!!!! Fear I feel my hesart beating hard and I feel very young. Im scared. Like a cliff and jumoing leaping not knowing whats there. What am i protecting?? I love you ilove you. breathe

  127.  #127prplpsn28 on April 16, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    Anybody know what it says about Cancer (me) and Sagittarius (him)?

  128.  #128seahorse on April 16, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    I will be courageous and breathe deep. Your okay i have you and love you your safe and it’s okay. Holding sweet baby I love you. Shhh shhh shhh I feel a pain in my chest my heart like that dull leftover. I feel curious now and breathe open open open It’s all okay and all ready was. Thank you I feel like going down the rabbit hole I feel like going into battle and then i feel no, it’s all love seahorse love love love breathing. Sweetly now I love my fear it’s okay i love you Protection? What am I protecting?

  129.  #129Smile on April 16, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    Just google it… There’s lots to read ๐Ÿ™‚

  130.  #130Dominique on April 16, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    prplpsn28 – I’m not sure. Google it though keep in mind few people are purely their sun sign. Where the other planets are positioned at birth can play a huge role in how the personality develops as can life itself. To get the most accurate chart, you would need to see someone who does this, and they can also do a compatibility chart for you.


  131.  #131seahorse on April 16, 2013 at 1:31 pm

    I have to feel the pain in order to learn about fear truth and love. I am courageous and beautifully me. I will do this with a mighty light. breathe and open breathe and open

  132.  #132seahorse on April 16, 2013 at 1:33 pm

    And now a walk………. Hahahahaha!! i feel thankful for be able to laugh!!!

  133.  #133prplpsn28 on April 16, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    Thanks Smile. Interesting

  134.  #134seahorse on April 16, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    I am a Sag and a chinese fire horse. HAhahahahaha!!! I named myself well… Be back later. I will tap!

  135.  #135IamHis on April 16, 2013 at 1:41 pm

    Just wanted to thank everyone for their positive energy and support!

  136.  #136prplpsn28 on April 16, 2013 at 1:56 pm

    I know we are not supposed to do this cuz it’s not thinking positively nor having a positive vibe. But I am truly scared. Have not heard from H since Sat eve. Comments made by both of us that eve have made each of us think that the other doesn’t trust us. And this is the 1st time EVER that the word “trust” has ever come up. It’s never been an issue before. And I do trust him. Tonight would be our “every tuesday eve” get together that was his idea from the beginning for us to spend more one on one time together. And I haven’t heard from him. He usually updates me thru out the afternoon as to how work is going and when he thinks he may be here. Ugh! I’m sad, anxious, worried.

  137.  #137prplpsn28 on April 16, 2013 at 3:21 pm

    Ok…I don’t like that I’m doing this but I’m freaking out! Plz help. I don’t know what to do.

  138.  #138MovingMagic on April 16, 2013 at 3:51 pm

    I took an EFT workshop over a year ago & found it to be interesting & effective. I feel like I get far more out of dance, yoga, my journal & massage though. It’s something I would revisit, & consider it added to my bag of tricks. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  139.  #139Zia on April 16, 2013 at 5:25 pm

    137: prplpsn28 first of all, STOP! take a few deep breaths. move your hand slowly through the air. (the idea of slowing down has helped me a lot when i start feeling panicky) you have all of Rori’s tools yes? This might be a good time to just stop everything, and maybe start watching commitment blueprint. I watched it just after my last relationship busted up and found it hugely helpful despite having recently broken up. i am sure you will find some good tools in there to use and feel better ๐Ÿ™‚ xo

  140.  #140Zia on April 16, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    137: prplpsn28 i also found listening to “reconnect your relationships” especially helpful for dealing with the things like anxiety and panic. this has to be about making yourself feel better, whether he calls or not.

  141.  #141sha-sha on April 16, 2013 at 5:43 pm

    Hello ladie! Hope everyone is having great week! I’m on vaccation all weekend loving my niece I love being able to spend this time with her she got so big I’m gonna miss her when she has to leave for her home at the end of the week xoxoxooxox

  142.  #142prplpsn28 on April 16, 2013 at 5:48 pm

    @ Zia…Thanks ๐Ÿ™‚

  143.  #143Elsie on April 16, 2013 at 6:35 pm

    Catching up –

    @59 – Mercedes – You are awesome – I LOVE that response.

    @Janie Baby – You may want to find out if he may be having some issues down there. He may not want you to initiate because the times you do, he may not be able to perform. Seek first to understand. If there is a problem maybe you can work through it or at least he can know he can be safe sharing that with you. Other than that – him having to always initiate and you never really being able to do that, and well, if this is a dealbreaker for you then perhaps you should really think about this….

    @121 Mercedes – again you crack me up. Whats funny is that GS (my guys nickname on here because wow, I got sick of typing my guy lol) and I play that game all the time. I asked him yesterday….what are you thinking – LOL – and usuall the answer is nothing. But really … its nothing. He is like umm….I was just looking at that piece of hair of yours. LOL. When men say they arent thinking of anything they mean it! ๐Ÿ™‚

    OK – on to a REVELATION I had.

    I have had some awesome times lately with him. We are closer than ever, and he and I are just in the zone together. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Today, he was a little insensitive….or at least I thought. Now here is my revelation and maybe you sirens will agree or disagree. I know that Rori says you need to say your feelings when you feel them….BUT THE PROBLEM is that my feelings are too sensitive most of the time. I am so highly sensitive (Dominique!) that frankly, most of what I”m feeling, I need to take a step back and see if its really real or not. I usually employ the 24 hour rule. ๐Ÿ™‚ If I’m upset about something, I wait 24 hours. If I’m still upset with that amount of time, THEN I talk. Now that is just me. But its because frankly, I have had a tendency to just jump and start feeling that people are insensitive and having talks and what not when a day later I was like….wow, that really wasnt a big deal.

    So it happened today. He said something to me, and it was just a fact. But I was tired, and thought it was insensitive, and I told him so….and we had a long talk about it. And he said something really interesting. He said, look. I love you. But you are very very emotional, and I am not. And frankly, sometimes if I get on that boat with you of being emotional and sort of pander to that, then that is not helping anything, and it makes things worse, because then you think that being that emotional is ok (and I”m talking I’m being WAY OVERLY emotional about something small.)

    And I thought about what he said instead of having a knee jerk reaction.

    My ex-husband could always “handle the crazy.” Thats what my friends said. ๐Ÿ™‚ They said that he could handle my craziness, meaning I was emotional and dramatic.

    Well, GS makes me not WANT to be emotionally dramatic and crazy. He is saying that he doesnt want to enable that kind of behavior. He is so sweet and sympathetic, and I know I can always count on him, etc. But he is not that sensitive. But I know when I really need him – he is there for me.

    But, I am just thinking about this, and I think its a good thing that he is not enabling behavior that is emotionally draining. (I am thinking of your words Feminine Woman!!!!!!!!!!!)

    Thoughts – ?? Comments, Questions, Musings??? ๐Ÿ™‚ I would really like to know your thoughts on all this.

    We ended up the conversation wonderfully. We have never had a fight yet in over a year and a half…..we just talk it out. And we are really good still…..but just wnated to hear your thoughts on this….. ๐Ÿ™‚

  144.  #144janie baby on April 16, 2013 at 6:53 pm

    We used to have the craziest sex life. Honestly, multiple times a day sometimes. On the beach, even in a laundry mat hehe, just all the time. Obviously, it’s been 2.5 years so I don’t expect it to be like that anymore but I know he can perform. He is a 23 year old guy and when he IS in the mood he’s amazing. When I was gone for a week a couple weeks ago, I came back and he jumped my bones. It’s just when we spend too much time together he doesn’t want to as much. I’ll ask him and he says “He’s really tired from working all night.” I try to accept it but it makes me feel ugly. but then i feel like i’m acting shallow. i don’t know… I just don’t know how to say “Heyy I want to have more sex and be more sexually adventurous again like we used to” without sounding whiny or like i’m leaning forward. I want to think of a positive way to put it you know? I just don’t know how to phrase it in a way that doesn’t sound like an attack.

    And regarding your situation, I don’t have exact advice hehe cause I’m not very good at this stuff but I always muse about the same thing. Sometimes it’s better to wait a few hours with my feeling because they usually go away. If i don’t i go crazy and then 4 hours later i’m embarassed. Your guy sounds great though and it sounds like you can be honest with him so I’d just keep doing what you’re doing ๐Ÿ™‚ Sounds also like a great opportunity for awareness. My friends and BF call me “crazy” too ๐Ÿ˜‰ hehe

  145.  #145Elsie on April 16, 2013 at 6:55 pm

    @Janie Baby – Ok, well, I think that maybe you could say something like…..”I need your help with something. I am sure there is a good reason for what you do, but I feel disconnected and icky when we arent intimate. Can you help me?” And then just be quiet. See what he comes up with. Men are great “problem solvers.” They want to fix things and provide for you. So – let them. ๐Ÿ™‚ See if this works for you?!??!!

  146.  #146Turquoise on April 16, 2013 at 6:56 pm

    I like sexy and hottie as pet names… Sweetie, also have done first initial, military rank for my ex, he called me honey and dear. Sweetheart calls me baby and sunshine. Mr. Conversation called me an abbreviated version of my name… It is fun coming up with new ones!

  147.  #147Elsie on April 16, 2013 at 6:57 pm

    Pet names – Man, GS HATES them. I LOVE them. Big surprise, we are different on that too – LOL.

    I wish that I could call him “babe” but he HATES it – he says it literally is like nails on a chalkboard to him, because he cant figure out why anyone wouldnt just use his name….LOL. SOOOOO practical. haha.

    He is the feet on the ground. I am the head in the clouds. ๐Ÿ™‚

  148.  #148BeLoved on April 16, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    prplpsn ~ aww…If I could hug you I would. I know all too well the feelings of distress.
    If it were me, I like to think I would just call and say, Hey, I feel scared that I screwed everything up and I don’t want to lose you and I’m really sorry and I don’t know what to do, what do you think?

    Also, I would screen any advice that feeds my insecurities or puts me on the defensive. A lot of people parrot what Rori or someone else says or get triggered with their own fears, insecurities and judgments and it often isn’t actually helpful or relevant to my unique situation.

    Sleep tight dear one <3

  149.  #149Dominique on April 16, 2013 at 7:05 pm

    Elsie – Likely you will always be more sensitive than most, and there’s nothing wrong with this. That you understand this within you and take the time to see what going on in YOU before reacting is wonderful, something I highly recommend and use for myself. Though I often take longer than 24 hours to process. This is me and not necessarily something I’m advising.

    I wouldn’t suggest pondering on whether it’s a good thing or not that he’s not enabling you.

    I think your awareness and willingness to work with yourself and work to understand what’s REALLY going on with you and without you is what’s important. Bringing it all back to YOU is what matters here.

    It’s lovely that he doesn’t knee jerk response back at you (not uncommon) so yay him. He’s seeking to understand, more yay him.


  150.  #150janie baby on April 16, 2013 at 7:09 pm

    Elsie :
    I’ll try that and let you know. I like it because it’s kind of making him feel good that i’m asking for his help but still soft and about me.

    also I hate the pet name “babe” too.. my first boyfriend used to call me that and i would get annoyed. it felt condescending.

    I like “baby” and their name.

  151.  #151Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 7:09 pm

    I feel embarassed to ask for loving, I feel afraid the answer will be no.

  152.  #152prplpsn28 on April 16, 2013 at 7:10 pm

    Thanks BeLoved! I needed that. Hard to know whether or not to initiate contact.

  153.  #153Tereana on April 16, 2013 at 10:47 pm

    Mercedes – 41; that’s totally valid. I wasn’t trying to negate what you were saying earlier. Whatever you feel is true for you, and tapping might not be what “does it” for you. I might also add that, like some forms of body work, I suspect it can act in subtle ways, and may still have an effect on you (or on me, for that matter), even if it doesn’t feel like its having a big effect. Does that make sense?

    I was doing a bunch of tapping a while back, but I haven’t done it in many months…

  154.  #154Libelula on April 16, 2013 at 10:53 pm

    Mercedes: If I wasn’t clear earlier, thanks for responding to my post. A thankfulness journal is a good idea. He’s been so busy, but being sure to send me a note or two every day. And he’s been letting me know how he feels about me – I’ve been pretty blown away by all this demonstration.

    Tapping: I’m very curious about this. Once I have some time (maybe half a day) to think about this, I’m going to investigate the sites. I’m curious is it’s related to EMDR, which can also use a tapping mechanism, if the eye movements are not working. All about cross-body hemispheres. Thanks

  155.  #155Tereana on April 16, 2013 at 11:02 pm

    Having a nice time staying at my friend’s housecwhilecshe is away. The house has good mojo. And it’s good to be out of the other house that was kind of stressful.

    I didn’t want to brag the other day, with my friends, so I’ll brag here : ) a friend of mine is getting married over the summer. Her husband-to-be is not Jewish, but she is. And she and our friends were all happy about the fact that’ve texted her “good night” in Hebrew. Just the words. Not the Hebrew letters. Silently, I was proud and impressed (as I was before) that dancingCD texted me “good night” as well as “happy Passover” in Hebrew letters. It was so sweet and thoughtful, and really made me smile. Plus, I love that he is smart and picks things up quickly. I’m proud of him, even though I haven’t seen him in a while. But that’s okay. I know he’s been dealing with some stuff lately. And I feel so happy that he took time off from s pressing work deadline to see me on Saturday. He’s a good guy. and meanwhile, I am texting with some other guys. But nothing is serious right now. I am mainly focusing on shifting aspects of myself that need to shift so that I can truly enjoy my life no matter what’s happening.

    I’ve decided that the most important thing for relationships – even more than confidence (that’s good for attraction, but not always relationships), is Presence. BEING there and fully present. That’s it. It’s something I have a lot of trouble with. But I’ll get there…

  156.  #156Millie on April 16, 2013 at 11:53 pm

    Hi all,

    @JanieBaby–I have a suggestion, I was reading your thread and noticed that when you said you were gone for a few weeks he jumped your bones when you came back, that when you spend too much time together he seems to be disinterested. I don’t know that much about you or your relationship, but going by that I would suggest maybe making yourself less available. Maybe focus on other activities in your life that don’t involve him, that make you feel sexy. And when you do come together, don’t “drop hints” about it, acknowledge inside that you want sex, but maybe value it a different way–like you want to feel desired. If the first thing on your mind isn’t “We aren’t having sex” then maybe he will feel less pressure and be more relaxed to give it to you. Maybe by moving you and your focus away, he will come toward you?

  157.  #157prplpsn28 on April 17, 2013 at 4:46 am

    I’m just starting with the Reconnect Your Relationship program so too soon to try. This is day 4 of not hearing from H. Very unusual. I’m feeling like he’s unwilling to resolve the issue we had. And I really don’t know what to do. Contact him? And if so what do I say? Or let it go and hope at some point he’ll contact me? I feel he is being rude, disrespectful and childish.

  158.  #158Zia on April 17, 2013 at 5:48 am

    157: prplpsn28 i think the idea is to NOT contact when you’re feeling needy/anxious etc, as it will come through (I know this has been the case with me in the past!!). if it were me in your situation, i’d listen to the whole reconnect program and then pause and think, and write down everything you might want to say. then convert to feeling messages. from recollection this is in commitment blueprint??

    all i can say, is that i so wish i had been in the head space to grab these tools at the start of my last relationship. unfortunately, it took it blowing up in an incredible way for me to get here.

  159.  #159Femininewoman on April 17, 2013 at 6:03 am

    Reconnect has, I believe disc 2 in what I have, Stop What is Not Working and disc 3 What to Do.

  160.  #160Femininewoman on April 17, 2013 at 6:04 am

    Then again life is a process so change comes from the commitment to do the work internally. If you are looking for a quick fix you might end up feeling frustrated. Change begins with you. Rori and several others say you have to go first.

  161.  #161BeLoved on April 17, 2013 at 6:15 am



    The way I interpret it, is to reveal that we are feeling needy and anxious, using FM’s. The men I work with and the ones I’m CDing seem to find it adorable.
    The more I practice this, the more I know what to do or can be patient and let the man suggest a solution. Just this morning I told a man I work with how I was feeling all kinds of neurotic and next thing I know I’m next to him, my hands in his, with him praying a beautiful prayer for me from his heart.

    Within just a few minutes I felt so much peace, where only moments before I was feeling combative and frustrated and annoyed and irritated and literally growling ๐Ÿ™‚

    So… I find that not pretending that I’m cool when I’m not is super awesome and very connecting.


  162.  #162Vi on April 17, 2013 at 6:22 am

    EFT feels helpful. I do this one when anxiety shows up

  163.  #163prplpsn28 on April 17, 2013 at 6:40 am

    FW…I don’t have discs. Its all on audio on my computer in sections and chspteers.

  164.  #164prplpsn28 on April 17, 2013 at 6:41 am

    Oops *chapters*

  165.  #165Mercedes on April 17, 2013 at 6:44 am

    Tereana: Yes…that does make sense. I think my struggle was the claims that you would feel better instantly (or at least feel something instantly). That didn’t happen for me. But yes…I do see that something might have been going on inside that was less dramatic than being able to feel it instantly. Makes sense.

    Libelula: ๐Ÿ™‚ It feels good knowing something I said resonated with you.

    Millie: You comment 156. I LOVE that! It sounds like the absolutely perfect way to handle that situation, especially considering it has worked in the past with this man.

    Prplpsn28: Maybe you can wait until you can honestly say that overwhelmingly what’s going on inside of you is: “I miss you. Very, very much.”. Right now, if overwhelmingly you see him as being rude, disrespectful and childish then I wouldn’t reach out. Feeling that way about a man and talking to him would most likely not draw him closer to you emotionally. “I miss you so much” will usually have that affect.

    Much Love,

  166.  #166nme008 on April 17, 2013 at 7:17 am

    I don’t know how people find meeting new people and starting to date fun….I don’t know what word I’d use but fun isn’t it. Met S, text and talked for a week…sooo funny! I was really excited, then pretty good date, HOT kiss….then…..he is still talking to me (not feeling rejected or anything lol) but he’s not so funny anymore. Where did his humor and silliness go? I’d go out with him again one more time cause we did have fun but I like the pre date guy way more then the post date guy.

    I’ve also considered online dating again just to get out there….but a friend of M is on it and always finds me! Before I met M I was on it. I don’t want M to see me on the dating site.

  167.  #167Mercedes on April 17, 2013 at 7:27 am

    nme008: I think it can be more fun if you are dating more than one person at a time. It keeps you from getting caught up in one person and analyzing what’s changed or different. None of that matters when you are having fun with lots of people. The funny and silly being gone could have absolutely nothing do with having a date with you. It could be something else going on in his life and he just doesn’t feel funny right now. In any case, it wouldn’t matter and you would miss the “predate” him if you had lots of other dates.

    Why don’t you want M to see you on the dating site? He broke up with you, right? Is it somehow important to you that he believes you are still staying home crying over that? Do you want him to believe you aren’t dating? That makes no sense to me. I would think you would be perfectly fine with him knowing you are looking for love. He can’t offer that to you, but why should he believe that means you no longer want to look for it?

    I think online dating would be a good thing for you and I highly recommend getting more men in your rotation and learn to enjoy the moments with each of them so you’re not focused on what might (or might not) be going on with them.

    Much Love,

  168.  #168Hana on April 17, 2013 at 7:40 am

    This is the story of me and Amir, and how hopeless I feel right now about us

    We met a year and a half ago at a Salsa club, I was new at dancing, he quickly showed his interest in me romantically, and pretty much became my dance partner. I was clear that I wanted to be only “friends”, but he grew on me, and his courtship felt good, and the more I got to know him the closer I began to feel towards him. We became best friends, and all the while he knew that I wasn’t going to date only him, I was dating other men, and I told him that he may get hurt if we continued. He said I love you, called and always was involved in my life, he bought me romantic gifts, I let him into my childrens lives, and those were some of my favorite memories made. The sex was unbelievable, and the friendship even more amazing, I trusted him and I felt like I was the best “me” with him, and I had never felt that comfortable with a man before, but at the time I wasn’t ready for something good. And I treated him badly. Really badly. I was dating another man more seriousely who wasn’t that good for me, and Amir finally got frustrated enough to give up on us, and left my life. I realized right away when he left how much I actually needed him and loved him and couldn’t and didn’t want to live without him. I did many things wrong when I ran after him, after all he was my Amir and how could he ever leave? But, after learning many things thanks to Rori and many self help books I have practiced these tools, I found tremendous results in many many areas in my life, particularily with Amir. I am dating very activelly and enjoying it, but I am still very attached to Amir, especially since he has come back in my life, I am an avid Salsa dancer and he and I go to the same salsa clubs which makes it impossible to ignore. He acts like I’m his dance partner, and is still very much “into” me, attracted to me physically, and takes care of me while in the club, but when I told him I was interested to date him and not just be a dance partner, he said “I can’t see myself being the way I was last year”. So…the dance between us is quite excruciating, he claims me as his in the club, and then doesn’t go beyond that to ask me out again or to show any other interest, even though he always asks how I am doing in my life and wants to know many things. Last night was the straw for me, and when we were dancing, I looked at him and cried. I told him I can’t pretend this is easy for me, and pretty much decided that I wouldn’t say yes to him anymore, and would avoid him. But this is very hard for me. I will follow through, but I don’t like that he plays with me that way, and that I’ve let him, but I’m emotionally invested, and I just feel lost. I don’t want to run away from my feelings, I’ve learned to own them from you Rori, and I want to know where to go from here? Any advice? Is it hopeless? He may not even be the one for me…but I’m so hopelessly in love. No one has felt so home to me like Amir does.

  169.  #169Femininewoman on April 17, 2013 at 8:03 am

    “Featured Topic: 3 Feelings He WANTS You To Share With Him…

    1. He wants you to share when you are proud of him:
    If you don’t know how men think, then let me tell you a secret – men really like to show off. Just be sure it is something you really do like because if you praise him, you will likely get more of it.

    2. He wants you to share when you are upset, and let him know what he can do to help.
    What is important is that you share that you are upset โ€“ at the moment you are upset…not days or weeks later. I realize that this can feel very vulnerable, but when you bring up something later, he may have already forgotten the event, and wonder why you waited so long to mention it.

    Equally important is to give him a task that he can do to help you. If you just want him to listen – tell him that. Do not expect him to “just know” what you need. A man often feels helpless just sitting there while you are hurting. He wants to do something – anything – to fix it. Ask him to listen, and when he does, reassure him that his listening makes you feel special in his eyes.

    3. He wants you to share when you are excited and happy:
    If only more women understood how important it is for a man to be able to make you happy, it would change the complexion of many a relationship. Remember, men are not nearly as intuitive as your girlfriends. Men learn by watching your reaction.

    a) A good reaction (full of nice happy feelings) means do this more.
    b) A bad reaction (when you cry or get upset) means don’t do that again.

    Yes. Men really are that simple.”

    Bob Grant

  170.  #170seahorse on April 17, 2013 at 8:21 am


    Yes, I too feel like that. Mine is a feeling of shame mixed in with the asking. The memories come to, hard and fast when I think. Remembering shooshed away frequently. Go outside and play go play go play. Go outside and so young, like being left to the wolves. Breathing. Triggers all around and the voices saying ……….. scared. I know whats there and then not, I feel confused, there is so much. Patience and love is the food for my heart. No running, stay sit heal. Let it come, assk for what you need. I am thankful for my grammy who lived so close. Go there and be loved hugs and kisses and I am just perfect. Just the way i am. Beautiful grammy. Thank you grammy.

  171.  #171Amanda on April 17, 2013 at 8:22 am

    Like what I read so far. But would like to have contact number to speak with a live person before I purchase products.

  172.  #172k2012 on April 17, 2013 at 8:28 am

    Hi ladies, I have been busy. What is EFT? Happy belated birthday to u Dominique. Hope u enjoyed your day. Have any of u tuned in to Ornella and Matthew week long series with different coaches presenting. I am not sure of the time difference between California and here? Does anyone know if they are located in California. It is now 10:20 now as I speak. What time is it in California now guys. I need to know so I know what time to go on the call tonight. Missed it Monday and Tuesday and tonight is Online Dating. That’s a hot topic. The topic says why do u keep meeting Mr Wrong online. Trust me that’s me-overseas cd, disappearing ex and another guy before disappearing ex. The first guy and disappearing ex I physically knew before and Overseas cd I met online via our alumni. But I need to listen to those guys tonight? Dominique, are u in California?

  173.  #173seahorse on April 17, 2013 at 8:43 am

    It feels like somethings coming and I need to be prepared. Strong in love and my battle gear is in place. Like I need my body really strong in muscle and can go the distance. Love is my armour and vunerability is my shield. That sounds so weird. Right though. It’s all about love,everything, the answer is always love. For me for you for all things and what love means. love doesn’t hurt or make me go in my head. It’s out loud and safe. Forgiving and knowing when to say when. Feeling intuition and saying yep, that FEELS right. This FEELS off,wrong,not safe,shh shhh shhh ……………listen to what it says. I doubted and did the wrong thing. Judgement, not loving to me. Wait! I made a mistake and learned to speak for the first time I said the words to a man. He asked me, exasperated with me, What do you want from me? I stopped myself……….wait……. listen to myself and asked the question inside to myself, What do you want from him????…………. I turned it around upside down and then, What do I want from me???? and i said ” I WANT TO MATTER”……………… I said quietly and calmly and feel evrything shifted!!! I went to another place in that moment. I felt amazement and glowing and awe for myself. I am there still finding my way. Know what????? It’s beautiful and I matter. There are more voices here, big ones that really feel like they want me to be safe. It feels like lies. I know on this level that it’s time to let them go they are not my truths they were told long long ago. I feel confused, but light the way with a sunshine of my own bright as the sun and full of love. Because I am love. Feed the love not the fear. Let go and breathe. Follow the light. Be here and it’s not then, I hold my inside girls hand and tell her it’s safe I have you and would you take a look at my shining love for us. It will keep us safe little one. Let’s go for a ride on our pony. Stay on your horse seahorse

  174.  #174Sally on April 17, 2013 at 8:46 am

    Hi Rori,

    I broke up with my man for 18 months, during which time I circular dated and got quite close to another man whom I had sex with a couple of times.
    I am now back together with my man, and he is offering commitment and asking to be exclusive. I am a higher degree of difficulty now, and he seems to be enjoying stepping up.
    What I’m worried about is him asking me if I had sex with the other man. Do I say I feel uncomfortable talking about that, or is it better to tell the truth?

  175.  #175Syreena on April 17, 2013 at 8:48 am

    “a) A good reaction (full of nice happy feelings) means do this more.
    b) A bad reaction (when you cry or get upset) means donโ€™t do that again.

    Yes. Men really are that simple.โ€

    Bob Grant.”

    Two problems that I have had with this and make me feel a little wary and question if this is always a good idea and in my best interest to let someoneto then have the power to play with my emotions.

    First is some people can and do use this information to their advantage to punish when they angry, upset or when they want to control and manipulate you or the situation to their advantage. Wind you up, humiliate or use revenge tactics.

    And two some just plain and simple don’t understand why you feel happy or upset about something because they wouldn’t feel like.

  176.  #176Syreena on April 17, 2013 at 8:49 am

    Happy Birthday Dominique.

  177.  #177seahorse on April 17, 2013 at 8:51 am

    why is my love safe??? Does that mean it won’t ever go away??? Yes, the answer feels good inside like an opening. Again and again with the opening. Like a flower.. Iam the flower!!!!!!!!!! Ohhhh that feels so dang good!!!! Truth!!! Bingo!!!!! winner winner chicken dinner!!! hahahaha!!! feels so good to laugh, releasing and yes! Is that my intuition??

  178.  #178Syreena on April 17, 2013 at 8:53 am

    On second thoughts, I suppose that by finding out early on if people fall into the above two categories we can then stay away from them and decide to not get invested or have much to do with them.

  179.  #179Indigo on April 17, 2013 at 8:56 am

    prplpsn 157

    That is why it is so important to Circular Date!

    Letting 4 days go by after a text fight without contact is not good boyfriend behavior, and I know Rori would advise you to be keeping your options open. Stressing about what he’s thinking or feeling for days on end is simply not worth it for someone who is blowing hot and cold.

    Sorry, but if I were you, I would do my utmost to get my focus OFF him and start receiving attention from other men and talking to myself about what a yummy pie I am.

  180.  #180k2012 on April 17, 2013 at 9:00 am

    Correction:170_ Orna and Matthew Walters, not Ornella.

  181.  #181seahorse on April 17, 2013 at 9:08 am

    Sometimes it feels like a present. To me from me. I matter. I can feel anything and it’s okay, I matter. I love and it feels good. Like a present I didn’t know I had. I will never go away. It’s always been here and always will be. Thank you seahorse. I love you. Have to remember to slow down and let it catch up. BE PRESENT!!!!! FEEL all the feelings. Only, it gets busy in the mind. BUT DANG!! It’s very lively sometimes so much so that I need to breathe and walk. BE PRESENT SEAHORSE!! feeling that in my feet. Wiggling toes. Feels good to breathe deep down in my womb. itching on my thigh to my foot , stretching neck and crack crack crack mind wandering……. beach warm sand and waves. I love the waves. Tahnk you seahorse that feels open

  182.  #182seahorse on April 17, 2013 at 9:15 am

    I was reading Indigo to prplprsn28 and I was feeling a love for that. i don’t know what kind and then I thought of us all and our journeys and search for understanding and it hit me!! Itsn’t it beautiful I feel wonder and I feel that the pain is beautiful because it’s transforming. A release?? From the cocoon?? Phoenix rising? there is a lot feels so big and I love this. Thank you. Saddle up prplpsn28!!!!! Let’s ride!!! Woooo hooooo!!!!!

  183.  #183seahorse on April 17, 2013 at 10:00 am

    Why is love safe and vunerability sa fe???? Seems like it ought to be turned around but it’s not and I feel my itntuition say that it’s right, open and loving is feeling better and better. I feel that other voice again, no….protect yourself, sending love to it. Ohhhhhhh i feel strangeness with that…………. love love love open open here . I’m safe with the love and open. It feels better than the dark way. I don’t need to protect because i can say NO and enough thats enough for me. I know whats right because I have my feelings and I wait and listen. And breathe. Sometimes this comes fast and then slows and feels like I have to eat what’s on my plate before I can have more. Patience shhhh shhh shhhhhh listen…………

  184.  #184seahorse on April 17, 2013 at 10:21 am

    I made myself laugh with tears rolling down. I saw in my mind a gollum saying it burnsss ussss it burnss ussss…………… Hahahaahahha!!! I feel so silly. I’m doing the voice and it feels so funny to laugh at such a serious? thing!! Tell ya what, feels a heck of a lot better than being afraid of it! Hahahahahaha!!! and there is my intuitiion din ding ding!!!!! Beautiful!!!! Yipeee!!!!!!!!

  185.  #185seahorse on April 17, 2013 at 10:22 am

    Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚

  186.  #186Femininewoman on April 17, 2013 at 10:28 am

    That reminded me of the sonh why does love have to feel like a battlefield

  187.  #187Rori Raye on April 17, 2013 at 10:36 am

    Hana, Welcome, and I do not dismiss your love, or your pain. However – it’s not working for you this way – so you’ll have to make some changes or stay stuck at his mercy this way. If it were me, I’d either switch to a different dance club, or just not accept dances with him. Period. I don’t see any other way. Every time he touches you, every time you see him, your oxytocin hormones go active. It’s not your fault. Your body just lights up and sweeps the rest of you away with it. Love, Rori

  188.  #188Rori Raye on April 17, 2013 at 10:38 am

    Amanda (I deleted your last name for your privacy) – There’s a contact procedure in the FAQ on the site You can IM with customer service, and they’ll help you with the programs. Also – everything’s returnable within a week, I believe. If you’re not sure – start with the ebook – it’s only $20 and I stand by it’s awesomeness. Love, Rori

  189.  #189Rori Raye on April 17, 2013 at 10:48 am

    Sally – I don’t think he’s going to ask, because he assumes you slept with other men and doesn’t want to know or talk about it – and doesn’t want to talk about the women he dated (or didn’t), either…If he does ask – say “I feel uncomfortable talking about past relationships – I don’t want to know about yours or talk about it… What do you think?” If he insists on knowing, tell the truth and be VERY straightforward, confident and matter-of-fact about it. You were separated. He had no hold on you. Love, Rori

  190.  #190Lisa on April 17, 2013 at 11:28 am

    I did the toxic men video… I still am working on me…the part of me that attracts toxic men. I didn’t see anything about men being passive/aggressive… I feel punished… by M. If I mention a date that he said we would do… then all of the sudden it doesn’t happen. If I change the plans b/c of something he gets harsh… If I continue with the conversation he started about his sports car… then all of the sudden we don’t ride in it… just my feelings… I can’t know that 100%. What I do know is that I’ve been entangled with a Passive / Aggressive man before and it was He double LL. The problem is that PA ( passive/aggressive) can be so covert it is hard to detect. I’m scared… I told him I feel hurt …. when he said what he said. Now that it has happened many many times in 3mos… I’m really starting to feel very uncomfortable about the PA. I wish there was a sure fire way to tell.. But I’m feeling like running right now… I’m sick to my stomach. Saying I feel punished isn’t a feeling statement…. but that is what I really feel… I don’t want another toxic man…

  191.  #191Femininewoman on April 17, 2013 at 11:34 am


  192.  #192Femininewoman on April 17, 2013 at 11:40 am

    Phoenix, this man is not good for you โ€“ I can tell just by how bad you feel around him. The question is โ€“ whatโ€™s keeping you from completely walking away from him and making new friends and getting new lovers?

  193.  #193prplpsn28 on April 17, 2013 at 11:54 am

    I’m almost thinking that at this point after 19 months of dating and now no contact for nearly 4 days over a stupid texting disagreement that I should initiate contact and just put it out there. And say “hey are we in a committed exclusive relationship or not?” If he says no or not sure and/or he runs….then I know he’s not for me and I can stop wondering once and for all. I appreciate all of the previous input. Any input on this?

  194.  #194Mercedes on April 17, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    prplpsn28: When you say you mean you should just “put it out there and say” are you referring to calling him? text? email? meeting in person?

    I have thoughts on this, but only if you are doing it in person. Any other form of communication and I wouldn’t do it.

    Much Love,

  195.  #195IamHis on April 17, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    Thought this was interesting:

    “…rather than urging us to withdraw, anger is a sign that we needo move forward to confront the threat…Anger tells us that our boundaries have been violated. Much like a nation’s radar defense system, angry feelings serve as an ‘early warning system,’ telling us we’re in danger of being injured or controlled.”

    – from Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

  196.  #196prplpsn28 on April 17, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    Mercedes…my thought is that the best and most mature way to have a conversation about a relationship is in person. I know he feels that way also. He refuses to text about ‘serious’ things. But he seems to have disappeared at the moment.

  197.  #197Mercedes on April 17, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    prplpsn28: If that’s the case then I see nothing wrong with putting it out there. But…I don’t think I would “ask him” if you are in a committed relationship. That puts all the power of YOUR relationship status in HIS hands. That doesn’t make any sense to me. It seems to me that YOU would want to decide if you are in a committed relationship or not and you wouldn’t want to leave that up to him.

    Do you want to be in a committed relationship? Do you want that with him? Do you want it with him just the way he is right now with no desire to change him?

    This feels like a space where you really need to check in with yourself and see what you want vs what you have and if it is enough for you.

    It’s been 4 days. Do you miss him? If not, then I don’t think you want this committed relationship with him so much. If you miss him like crazy then I think maybe you do. How do you feel about him being away? If it’s anything less than missing him and loving him then I wouldn’t pursue the commitment thing right now with him.

    Then…after you figure out what exactly it is YOU want and how YOU FEEL about him right now and in his presence and when he’s not in front of you, then, if it were me…I would have a person to person talk about what I want and need and whether or not he is or can be that person. If that’s not him, then I would suggest walking away (or at least putting him into a rotation of other cds) and finding that person who IS what you want and need.

    For me, the key is what do you want and are you getting it. If not, then you could tell him, in person, that you’re going out in the world to find that person who can offer you what you want and need. You can even invite him along for the ride if he wants to date you. But under no circumstances would I ask a man if we are committed to each other. I believe my commitment to a man is my decision and not something I ask him about.

    Much Love,

  198.  #198prplpsn28 on April 17, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    Mercedes…yes…I miss this man terribly…yes I want a committed relationship with him…no doubts.

  199.  #199Mercedes on April 17, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    Prplpsn28: Then I think you should reach out to him and invite him to meet you. Right now, it’s like the two of you are in a standoff. He probably believes that you should be the first to reach out to him as much as you believe he should be the first to reach out. Especially if he thinks you should apologize to him. If he thinks that, then he’s probably being stubborn waiting for you to do so.

    If you do have something to apologize for, then I think you should apologize. If you miss him, then I think you should tell him this. I think you should tell him exactly what you told me above and I think you should do it in person:

    “I’m so sorry for everything that happened (only say this if it applies and is true). I miss you terribly. I want a committed relationship with you. No doubts. Do you want that with me too?”

    Much Love,

  200.  #200seahorse on April 17, 2013 at 12:39 pm


    Big loving hugs and shiny white light all around you, sweet Siren. I hear you and can feel my own trigger from your words. i was there too. For twenty years I did that. Then I didn’t want it anymore. I found Rori and started breathing and meditating. Most importantly, I started feeling again. Like a rollercoaster at first, and still, sometimes it is, when I get to a big healing coming up. I love the words. Stay on your horse and stay on your path…………… So sweet Lisa, Saddle up Siren, and let’s ride!!!! Tally Ho!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you

  201.  #201prplpsn28 on April 17, 2013 at 12:44 pm

    Thank you Mercedes. Does it make sense to say that this scares me? Even tho I know with no doubts it’s what I want.

  202.  #202Mercedes on April 17, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    (((((((prplpsn28)))))) yes…it makes all the sense in the world. Vulnerability and softness and stating what we want and (*gasp*) asking if he wants that too and then waiting for his answer…yes…it makes every bit of sense that it would be scary. Scary to get what you want. Scary not to. Scary to lose someone. Scary to commit to someone. Yes…I understand…but eventually, we have to face our fears (whether that be moving forward with or moving on without) and go after what makes us happy.

    Much Love,

  203.  #203seahorse on April 17, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    That was beautiful Mercedes. Feels so lovely to read it again and again. thank you

  204.  #204Mercedes on April 17, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    Seahorse: ๐Ÿ™‚ Thank you!

    Much Love,

  205.  #205Indigo on April 17, 2013 at 1:33 pm


    I really like your clear, clean, honest way of looking at situations ๐Ÿ™‚

  206.  #206Indigo on April 17, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    Today I feel: I am the yummy pie.

    I am the yummy pie, and what men think and feel is not my business.

  207.  #207Mercedes on April 17, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    Thank you Indigo! I try…

    Not everybody likes the straightforward approach though. Some men have hated it. ๐Ÿ™‚ That’s okay. For me, it has saved a lot of time and I appreciate that. I want to spend my minutes in happiness. All of my minutes. I don’t have extra to waste on too much stress…especially where members of the opposite sex are concerned. lol

    Much Love,

  208.  #208Indigo on April 17, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    Many people don’t like straightforward people. I LOVE them.

    Life is too short not to speak the truth.

  209.  #209Mercedes on April 17, 2013 at 1:56 pm

    Very true Indigo…very, very true…

    Much Love,

  210.  #210kdr on April 17, 2013 at 2:52 pm

    There is a good article on by a writer, Anne Lemott, titled “My Year on”. She’s a successful writer and went on for the first time at age 58. It’s well written and right up our alleys:

  211.  #211MovingMagic on April 17, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    Mercedes, I tend to be a “sharp shooter” myself. Not everyone appreciates it, though they do know they will get total honesty from me. I’ve learned how to soften my words a bit as I’ve become a softer woman. Haha. It’s still find myself having to step back a bit at times. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  212.  #212prplpsn28 on April 17, 2013 at 4:29 pm

    Mercedes…again thanks for the input. My dilemma now is that between his work schedule and things happening with my kids there isn’t a moment to get together before friday. And friday evening him and I were supposed to go together to a special get-together with local classmates of ours that we graduated with. A once a year event. I’m gonna go regardless but was hoping we’d go together. Could be a bit awkward if we show up seperately. A few of these classmates know that we are seeing each other.

  213.  #213Zia on April 17, 2013 at 5:07 pm

    Mercedes love what you wrote re prplpsn28’s situation and agree with it all!

  214.  #214Hana on April 17, 2013 at 5:30 pm

    Rori, I am so glad you said what I needed to hear. I will follow through with saying no, and try to not be around him as much as I can, which may be hard, I am a little addicted to salsa, and those clubs are the only ones in Toronto. I do have one question, if you would be so kind as to help me with: How much and how long do you believe it will be possible for me to really “feel” like I’m past him if I do this and continue to date other men, I am seeing 3 right now, which btw there is a particular one which is rather suitable for me, he is like Amir in so many ways and even more mature, he also has kids and is telling me he sees us in the future and wants to get married. It’s just that I am currently still so invested and getting over Amir. I just want to make sure I do not make the same mistakes I did when I was with Amir back then. ?? It is so painful to be this powerless, when I know I should be so happy and enjoy those other men in my life.

  215.  #215BeLoved on April 17, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    I was about to totally give up on online dating, I tweaked my profile and put up better pics and hadn’t gotten ANY responses. I felt a little dejected, and after several weeks, tonight I decided to delete my profile.

    Only to discover – it had been hidden this whole time.

    Not 2 minutes after I ‘unhid’ it, I’m getting responses.

  216.  #216Elsie on April 17, 2013 at 5:43 pm

    @149 – Thank you Dominique – yes, I am so sensitive. But I also know that it is a burden in a way to experience so much in such a sensitive way. Everyone always thinks that when you are at a “10” that it isnt really real because people cant believe that you get THAT emotional THAT often about THAT much. LOL.

    @Hana – That must be really hard to see him all the time and be so close physically. I would agree with Rori. I would tell him how you feel, if he doesnt want to be with you – then I would remove myself from that situation……I know – its so hard.

    @Mercedes – once again – FANTASTIC advice to Prplpsn……really really great. Exactly right on.

  217.  #217Dominique on April 17, 2013 at 5:52 pm

    k2012 – 172 – go to for the time differences worldwide.

    Thank for the birthday wishes. ๐Ÿ™‚


  218.  #218Dominique on April 17, 2013 at 5:59 pm

    Hana – 214 – It will take as long as it takes, and this will be different for each individual. If you want to get past this, then you will. Focusing on YOU and what feels good to YOU will help the process along. Plus you get to fill you up as you go.


  219.  #219Dominique on April 17, 2013 at 6:01 pm

    Elsie – Try to remember that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. You feel what you feel when you feel it, and this is your reality.

    And it’s all okay, wonderful even.


  220.  #220Dominique on April 17, 2013 at 6:04 pm

    prplpsn28 – I partly disagree with Miss M here. There are no shoulds about any of this. I hesitate to suggest contacting him first. four days is not a long time even if this is not what he’s done before.

    If you can hang in there, I would encourage you to wait, and when and if he does contact you, then yes absolutely tell him you have missed him and hearing his voice of hearing from him feels SO good.


  221.  #221Libelula on April 17, 2013 at 6:16 pm

    Beloved: 215 – I am definitely laughing with you! It sounds exactly like something I would do! =) *hugs* Now onto some fun cd’ing!

  222.  #222Libelula on April 17, 2013 at 6:20 pm

    kdr – 210. I’m only at the beginning of the article & laughing outloud! dying silverbacked gorilla! rofl
    Thanks – I needed a really good chortle

  223.  #223Elsie on April 17, 2013 at 6:30 pm

    @Dominique – well, heres the thing. I know that I”m so emotionally sensitive. And I wish I sort of weren’t that way. So I employ my 24 hour (sometimes 48 lol) rule…..because I dont really “trust” myself. I know that girls on here will say “Oh, just say what you feel when you feel it.” The problem with that for me, is that because I feel almost everything immediately at a 10, its not really that healthy and I end up getting upset and getting into discussions or arguments that later on I realize, I was doing simply because I was reacting in a highly sensitive way without any perspective.

    So, for me at least, I dont say what I feel right when I feel it. Because for me, its not always really real.

    My mom just says everything she feels right when she feels it. And EVERYONE has to endure that. Its exhausting and emotionally draining, and she doesnt think about anyone elsese feelings only hers and her high maintenance, and then she just uses the excuse….well thats how I feel.

    I dont know – for me it doesnt resonate or ring true.

    Now those who have been on here a while with me, know that I really have been great about saying what I feel. Its just that for me, its like Mercedes says….I have to figure out what I feel and what I want, and THEN tell someone else. And for me that takes longer than a minute or two.

    I have even found things that I”m really upset about the next day I’m like….wow, I’m so glad I didnt say anything that would have looked crazy – I am not upset about that at all now….I think I just needed chocolate LOL.

  224.  #224Vi on April 17, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    I feel mad and triggered and I go to a dancing stidio right now, otherwise I am going to snap at MH and feel bad about myself after that. I love me, I love my dancing studio, I love my choice to be where I feel awesome. Yay me!

  225.  #225Vi on April 17, 2013 at 6:54 pm

    I feel sooo proud of my choices.. and .. Waterwheel tool!

  226.  #226Vi on April 17, 2013 at 6:59 pm

    Makes me feel supported..

  227.  #227Olivia on April 17, 2013 at 7:13 pm

    @Eslie –

    I put a FM speech out there on the blog the other day, soliciting feedback about what to do about my bf, who had spent time with his ex-gf and I felt triggered, feeling a pressure to *locate* an emotion and a *want* or *don’t want* message to deliver.

    But I struggled because at first I was jealous and SO angry! Then I was not jealous! Then feeling good about being jealous, i.e. “I got him” so who cares about these b*tches! Next minute I was sad and weepy! Then back to angry! Etc etc.

    Exhausting. Hah – love that inner diva!

    So I spent three days trying to figure out what my FM actually *was* regarding a situation with my bf involving contact with his ex-girlfriend.

    The final FM speech I *found* and delivered went off great: I feel understood now and safe and there was a big misunderstanding underlying everything.

    Perhaps over time the emotions will become more clear and *trustable* with practice and the waiting period can be whittled down.

    Or sometimes it will simply *be* this way.

  228.  #228Olivia on April 17, 2013 at 7:15 pm

    I meant @Elsie! oops!


  229.  #229janie baby on April 17, 2013 at 7:20 pm

    I love your suggestion Millie. I am just trying to find that balance of being less available cause I want to be rather than playing games.

    I finally had sex this morning. I was upset this morning when he wouldn’t jump my bones but instead of whining i got up to get ready.. Once i was ready he wanted to haha

    We were having a nice lunch in the park, and i said “can you help me with something?” and his ears perked up and moved in closer, i forgot what to say so i said something general but it was amazing how that got his attention so thanks for that Elsie! Lets see if this improves,

    Im also wondering when is it time to walk away? hmm.. how do you know if its your insecurities or the man?

  230.  #230Olivia on April 17, 2013 at 7:20 pm

    Also, Daria!

    Hope you are having fun out there.

    Looking forward to your next post!


  231.  #231Elsie on April 17, 2013 at 7:33 pm

    @Olivia – Yes, I think I will always be this way. I think that as women we are used to just jumping in head first with our first emotion which may not be our REAL emotion – just some knee jerk reaction we have been programmed to have our whole life – my opinion ๐Ÿ™‚

    @Janie Baby – I told you it works!!!! Try reading “Queens Code” online – its all about using those words, its not that expensive. ๐Ÿ™‚ totally awsome.

  232.  #232Millie on April 17, 2013 at 7:42 pm

    @JanieBaby– yeah, I understand. I’ve always had a difficult time too when I felt like there wasn’t enough sex in the relationship, but I also haven’t been in a committed relationship as long as you, so my perspective is a little different.

    As far as insecurities go, I feel like the combination of my chemistry with another persons can sometimes exacerbate those insecurities, while others cause them to fade away and they feel non existent. Regardless, I think it is important to feel insecure and recognize what triggered that feeling. The more aware you are of this the easier it will be to know if it is just you reacting inside, or if there is an imbalance in the relationship that you are reacting to. For me, I noticed a pattern of how I was reacting and feeling to men when they didn’t answer me right away for example, and I realized it isn’t’s me. You will have that realization too…just observe yourself and feelings.

    I would say that you’re the only one that can really know when you are ready to walk away. I think when you’ve expressed your truth continually, at a certain point you’ll know if he can truly make you happy in the long run. Maybe give yourself a time frame that you are comfortable with, write on a piece of paper how you feel now and your wants and needs, what he gives, what you want more of.. and lets for example in six months, pull out the paper again and see if the same “issues” are there? I don’t know if that is helpful.

  233.  #233Femininewoman on April 17, 2013 at 7:49 pm

    prplpsn28 – I totally agree with Dominique. I have seen so ladies reach out to men in such circumstances only for it to turn out badly in the long run. I have reached out myself and the man came close, but only for a short period and he went straight back to what he was doing. It feels so much better when the man comes out of his cave and comes toward you.

  234.  #234Femininewoman on April 17, 2013 at 7:49 pm

    prplpsn28 – I totally agree with Dominique. I have seen so many ladies on the blog reach out to men in such circumstances only for it to turn out badly in the long run. I have reached out myself and the man came close, but only for a short period and he went straight back to what he was doing. It feels so much better when the man comes out of his cave and comes toward you.

  235.  #235Lisa on April 17, 2013 at 8:27 pm

    After the nausea went away and I was able to breathe and not feel panic… I went inside to find where I’m passive/aggressive… looking at my notes from Rori’s video…when she says women are PA too! Being honest with myself I have used my energy, just tonight even, to get M to ask me over.. I didn’t say it.. but I was feeling it and projecting it .. in someway…hoping he would get the message b/c I wanted him to ask me… So, energetically I was being covert, b/c I didn’t come right out and ask him what I wanted.. which was to come over … So, I’ll keep making notes of how I’m PA.. and find it in me and work to be more authentic to myself and him… and see what happens with him.

    On a side note ladies any of you that have been doing Rori’s work for awhile….. is there ever a point where you can go jump in their arms when you get excited to see them… or will it always be waiting for them to come to you and lean back..?? I’m just a perky, happy person and I get really excited to see M sometimes.. and I want to jump in his arms … instead of waiting for him to lean in to me… He says he loves that about me… ?? Just curious if I’m going to have to change that about me in order to not be chasing him….

  236.  #236Zia on April 17, 2013 at 8:43 pm

    BeLoved 215: oh bless, you made me laugh ๐Ÿ™‚

  237.  #237Zia on April 17, 2013 at 8:48 pm

    Elise: I think I am a little similar to you. HIGHLY emotional, and so I do need to sit on my immediate feelings and just see where they go before I say anything. It’s something I’ve TRIED to do in the past but without really understanding why, so I’d always go back to being overly emotional and yes, a little crazy.

    I’m ADHD, so I have to “sit on things” not relating to relationships too, decisions I really want to make, things that pop into my head, because far too often in the past I’ve acted on things and regretted it. But everyone is different!!

    Practicing meditation has really helped me with this, as it’s taught me to pause and just see before acting. I’ve just realised after what you’ve written that I have been trying to do it in all aspects of my life EXCEPT relationships! Feels good to see so many varied people and opinions on this blog ๐Ÿ™‚

  238.  #238Indigo on April 17, 2013 at 9:20 pm


    I agree with you about waiting 24 or 48 hours before acting on an emotion if you don’t want to have a knee-jerk reaction, and DEFINITELY about not placing other people at the mercy of every tiny emotion you feel. Ugh, those people ARE exhausting.

    I would encourage you though, not to dismiss the emotions you feel all the time as drama or craziness or not real. As highly sensitive people, we pick up stimulus from the world that most other people are not aware of, and the world around us and the people in it are communicating things to us that we are picking up on a deep and highly tuned level. For example, you may get a sense of hostility from a person, which no one else sees. It doesn’t mean you are making it up, but likely that you are sensing something which is hidden from others.

    Inappropriately expressing all these little feelings and observations is NOT the way to go here, you are quite right, but I find the more you can listen to these little messages from your inner self, the more they will speak in a calm voice and even give you valuable information.

    Sorry, I just really wanted to say all of this. Emotional intelligence and highly sensitive people are a pet interest of mine!

  239.  #239Indigo on April 17, 2013 at 10:41 pm

    IamHis 195

    Yes! I absolutely believe this.

    Karla McLaren (she wrote “Emotional Genius”) says that anger is a very honourable emotion. It doesn’t let anyone get away with bad behavior.

  240.  #240Tereana on April 17, 2013 at 10:55 pm

    fyi, Mercedes – I think I feel about meditation the way you do about tapping. It’s great, but it does nothing for me…

  241.  #241Tereana on April 17, 2013 at 10:58 pm

    Indigo and Elsie (and others) – so happy there are so many sensitive ladies on this blog!!

    Maybe a forum like this attracts sensitive women. I don’t know about you, but it feels good to have a place to come where I can express the deep emotions I am having in a semi-private, yet public place. I like journaling just for myself. But I get even more out of it when there is feedback, and other voices to listen to.

    I don’t know what you think, but that’s just me.

    Sensitive women ftw! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  242.  #242Tereana on April 17, 2013 at 11:00 pm

    Hm…I just wrote a comment that didn’t get posted.

    Anyway, it’s nice to see there are so many sensitive women on this blog. I was introduced to this concept a couple of years ago, and it’s really shifted how I see myself – still in process, of course.

    Sensitive women, ftw! ; )

  243.  #243Tereana on April 17, 2013 at 11:05 pm

    Lisa – I think that jumping into someone’s arms because you are happy to see them (and you know that they love it) is totally different from “leaning in” or “chasing.” It would go under the category of “expressing” and in that way, it’s feminine.

    If, on the other hand, he’s busy doing something else, and you are “all over him,” that would be more like “leaning forward.” If you are doing it with any kind of agenda, then it would be more “masculine.” But what you are describing sounds like just an expression of who you are. And suppressing that is actually NOT what we want to do here. So check your motives first, and then – be you! : )

  244.  #244Tereana on April 17, 2013 at 11:23 pm

    Ugh. I know some of you are going to bristle at what I am about to say, because you are moms, and you feel defensive of your momm-y-ness, and I have no doubt that you are good moms, and in no way do I want to suggest that all moms are like this. And in some ways, I feel like a defensive teenager. But that’s how it is with my mom. And it’s really hard to describe – I think it’s like Indigo was just saying to Elsie – as sensitive people, we sometimes pick up on subtle behaviors that others don’t notice, and it can affect us deeply.

    How much more deeply when it is your mother.

    I swear, I feel so helpless and unsafe. Because the more that I try to establish a boundary with my mother, the more she will try to find a way around it. If she can’t demolish it directly through me, then she will go to any other source connected with me, and she will try to find her way in to managing my most personal and private aspects of life – the very details that I should be handling and managing myself. The very details that I am struggling with now (as an adult) because she always made sure she did them for me, growing up, and she would never give me the chance to learn how to handle my life on my own. She couldn’t give up that control. And she STILL can’t.

    I swear to G——D. I moved across the country. I told her that I don’t want her involved in my life. And she hasn’t come her personally, but what did she do? She stalked me. I have told her nothing. Yet she knows all of my personal information. She somehow found out what religious institution I go to, AND SHE CALLED THEM.

    I feel so violated. Part of me is so angry, that I am shaking on a very subtle level (not much, I can just barely feel it). And the other part of me is just rolling my eyes. This is par for the course. I know it is ridiculous and over the top. But it just feels so WRONG. And that “this is wrong” feeling sticks with me. Ugh.

    I cannot get away. I feel really, really trapped and unsafe.

    I know that she “wants the best” for me. But I’m sorry – stalking is stalking. And part of what that means is that there is a delusion on the part of the stalker in which they believe that what they are doing is out of “love.” And that is exactly what my mother believes. She will never realize that “Love” would entail the exact opposite of everything she is doing. Her actions about CONTROL – not love. And that is why I feel anger. I don’t have to say it. But I. FEEL. ANGRY.

    Anyone who reminds me of my mother triggers a deep hostility in me – and fear. Probably because my mother intimidates me and bullies me. And doesn’t even realize that’s what she’s doing. But of course it feels terrible. And this anger and rage just comes up when it’s triggered because I can’t express it to HER – where it wants to go. I’ve never been able to express it, because any negative emotion is “wrong” when it’s expressed around her. It was always tamped down. And so that is now why I have such trouble expressing these emotions. And I can’t really function this way.

    I want to just get in touch with the part of myself that knows myself, and loves myself no matter what. And I want to be in tune with the self-knowledge that I know who I am; I can trust myself; and I can take care of myself. And I am not going to let this person bully me or take away my sense of self-reliance and self-sufficiency. I don’t care if she is my mother or not. Being a “Mother” is not the same as having carte blanche to treat your children any way that you want, regardless of their individual needs and desires. That is how she interprets it, and I am sorry, I do not agree.

    If any of you out there want to “defend” her because she is my mother – you can save it. I am not going to entertain any comments of that nature. You can think it to yourself, but I will not read it. I have had quite enough of people getting behind her because she is “my mom.” I’m sorry. I get some respect and authority here, too. maybe she is my mom. That’s great. But I am ME. And I am the only one who is an authority on what is right for me. And when I state a boundary, it is because I need and expect it to be honored.

  245.  #245Tereana on April 17, 2013 at 11:30 pm

    But also, I want to acknowledge and “own” one thing – for reasons I can’t quite describe, I find it difficult to just “accept” my mom as she is. I always want her to be different. Just a different kind of mom. I don’t know why that is. Like I said, I can’t explain it. But I can feel it, and I can own it. I know that she is never going to change. And if she did, all that would do would be to make life easier for me…so it’s a selfish desire. And, you know, maybe I am just selfish.

  246.  #246Vi on April 17, 2013 at 11:45 pm

    Talking to my ex feels so good. I feel safe and connected and understood and relaxed in my body communicating with him. On the other hand it makes me feel bad too, because it reminds me of a toxic relationship I got myself in, and even though I and the relationship with MH are recovering.. sigh..
    And I feel guilty for loosing that relationship too , because it was I who initiated to have some time apart.. cuz it felt a little too intense at that time..
    Though it was him who took it as a break up and married within 2 months or so, which took him off my romantic radar.. and – I still feel stupid and like a looser.. especially after he has become a very important person.. hehe.. and it feels so difficult to love myself through all this.
    Rori wouldn’t allow me to beat myself up… but my negative voices seem so loud..
    If only.. if only… then I wouldn’t be here.. eating organics, feeling better than ever.. looking radiant.. hehe .. and feeling more connected to myself than I have ever been..
    I feel like arguing with the reality. I feel angry. I love my anger. I can love myself anyway. I feel sad. I love my sadness. It will be okay, I know, it just can not not be other way. I love me. I love all the cycles of my healing. My pond got disturbed, and that’s okay. It WILL get clear again, I know that and I firmly believe that, it just can’t not to.

  247.  #247Vi on April 17, 2013 at 11:53 pm

    Tereana, I feel you. and I feel like I am reading about MY mom.. ((((Tereana)))) ((((Vi))))

  248.  #248Zia on April 17, 2013 at 11:55 pm

    Tereana – I am a mother and have no intention of defending her actions simply for that fact, so you won’t get any judgement from me!!

    BIG HUGS to you! It sounds awful and I can feel your anger and frustration. Parents just like anyone else have to understand that they have to LET GO! Children need to be their own people, make their own lives and learn their own lessons. The more a parent tries to control a (grown up!!) child of theirs, the more resentment and frustration will build.]

    Sounds like a horrible situation ๐Ÿ™

  249.  #249Tereana on April 17, 2013 at 11:55 pm

    Thought I was done, but now I just want to write on the blog some more…(ahem-spam-ahem)

    Still no word from dancingcd. But B (who is the girl) is remarkably good at checking in with me. She will send texts every now and then, asking how I’m doing. In always feel comfortable telling her exactly how that is, even if it’s not great. I never feel like I have to “put anything on” with her. But most of my friends don’t check in with me the way she does. I mean, maybe she is just being friendly. But even so, it occurred to me that she’s acting almost like a really good boyfriend.

    I’m trying not to let fear and nasty voices in, regarding dancingCD. But I wonder if I scared him off by telling him too soon about my history of being engaged. He might not understand what it means, or he might make up stories about it. Or he might not care…if I hear from him, he will probably tell me he was dealing with the same issue as before. And working, etc. I don’t really want to hear the excuses. I want someone who is excited to see me and be with me.

    But I think I can be a little compassionate. He’s a guy. He probably wants very much to be with me. He probably likes me a lot and he doesn’t want to screw it up. He might not be sure what he “has to do” in order to be with me. And he’s so nervous, that he’s not doing anything. aw…that thought made me feel all soft and warm and affectionate. I feel like I can look at him as a person now, and not just “a guy.” and it’s not all about me, and my timelines, and what I want. (well, it is about what I want ; )

    But as I’ve said, I am also still taking care of myself. I have a lot going on and everything is uncertain.

    I think I am finally breaking some new ground on how to run my business, and that feels good. Everything that I truly want to happen is going to happen. All in good time.

    And oh, goodness, ladies, I want so much to move to France…this is my next project. As soon as I get the next opportunity to go there – for good – I am leaving America, and I am not looking back. I am a Rockstar, Badass, Kick-4ss, Heck Yeah Awesome woman!!!!

  250.  #250Vi on April 18, 2013 at 12:04 am

    Okay I actually DO feel love for myself, and I CAN love myself through the feelings of guilt and sadness and sorrow for the things are as they are ๐Ÿ™‚

  251.  #251Vi on April 18, 2013 at 12:05 am

    YAY Tereana!

  252.  #252janie baby on April 18, 2013 at 1:46 am

    Yayyy Tereana!
    I lived in France last year for a year. The best experience ever. Go do it ๐Ÿ™‚

  253.  #253Zia on April 18, 2013 at 2:11 am

    I have been working on my list of “100 things i love” the past few weeks.

    Tonight I am romancing myself, because I can. It is raining, and I love the rain. I lit some candles because I love candlelight. I bought a happy plant, and an indoor flowering plant, and am going to buy myself a vase so I can get myself some flowers because I love flowers, and I can buy myself flowers!

    It feels so empowering to realise I can enjoy the things I love. It is interesting to find my thoughts (as a habit) flick over to “Oh if only he was here to enjoy this rain with me” or things like that, but now it flicks, and I catch it, and I say to myself “hang on. *I* love the rain, and I can enjoy it on my own!” and anyway, he loved the hot hot heat and hated rainy weather!!

    It feels so good to be in this place where I’m not all attitude and “I DONT NEED NO MAN I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF” or “wah wah I need a man for this that or the other” but rather, in a gentle “these things make me happy and i can enjoy them for myself, but i am slowly opening myself up to allow a man in my life to compliment it”

  254.  #254prplpsn28 on April 18, 2013 at 4:58 am

    Bleh! Today is day 5 no contact. I’ve received great input on here and really appreciate it. Struggling with what to do. I believe it was Mercedes that said it seems like we both are feeling like the other person should apologize and we are both waiting. We are stuck.I agree with that. And what to do about our special get together tomorrow night?

  255.  #255Dominique on April 18, 2013 at 5:59 am

    Elsie – 223 – I completely agree with this. I do the same, and I think I’ve mentioned this before and even suggested to you the same, I’ve sometimes taken weeks to really sit on what’s come up, sleep on it, ponder it before deciding to speak or let it go.

    Of ten what comes up for you may have nothing to do with what’s at hand. It may have been the trigger, yet this is YOUR stuff.

    I talk a lot about bringing things back to YOU first. eg. Are you hurting somewhere whether physically or emotionally causing you to be more sensitive than you might have been had this not been going on with you? Are you making assumptions around what was said or done, creating something which wasn’t there at all? Was this person having a stick his foot in his mouth moment and not at all meaning to cause pain? Is this person having a bad feeling day himself and not able to express himself as well as if he felt better, and so on.

    So I think you approach is the best way to go in most circumstances.

    Unless it’s something completely awful, eg. hitting you as an extreme example.


  256.  #256Dominique on April 18, 2013 at 6:03 am

    Elsie – and another thing. I feel amused by how really there are NO original ideas. I came up with asking K to help me a few years ago, to be used whenever I had something bothering me in regards to him – instead of asking what he thinks. and iit’s because men LOVE to help. Rori thought this brilliant. and here you saying that this is what someone else writes about too. I love this way of expression. It feel more connecting and intimate right off the bat.


  257.  #257Dominique on April 18, 2013 at 6:09 am

    Lisa -235 – Absolutely. I do so all the time. Every day when K comes home from work. It makes him and me feel SO good. It makes him feel appreciated. I just love to do it.

    If you’ve been together for more than a couple of months and especially of you live together and you feel the desire to do so (as long as you are not carrying expectations, as long as you can handle a no if he’s feeling grumpy or not receptive, then go for it.

    This applies to initiating sex as well.


  258.  #258Lisa on April 18, 2013 at 6:14 am

    I need advice. I used my feelings messages to express how I felt hurt b/c he booked a fishing trip over our date today. He didn’t ask me about it, he just called to say, I’m going fishing. I had to really sink down deep inside me not to be all happy and act like it was ok in my smiling voice. It felt good to find my feelings. He wants to talk about it in person but wants to do it on Friday. I don’t want to do it on Friday.. for several reasons. How do I express to him in a feminine way… I need to do it tonight ( put me first this time) without coming off as demanding and controlling. Is ” I feel the need to discuss this tonight” good? Or “I’m available tonight to discuss it”…. what if he says Friday again? I how about I say, “Friday isn’t good for me to discuss this” ? He is calling me after lunch to talk about when… trying to connect to my inner strength..

  259.  #259Dominique on April 18, 2013 at 6:19 am

    prplpsn28 – 253 – I would encourage to refrain from reaching out for awhile longer, even a week or so longer. Whether this is true or not about him, his patience around waiting will hold out for longer than yours likely.

    I don’t see you yet as being able to reach our first and not feeling hurt if you don’t receive a reply.

    I don’t want you leading this relationship. If he’s not able to, wouldn’t you rather know now?

    And please know that waiting is not relinquishing your power as a feminine essence woman. If anything it strengthens it.


  260.  #260Dominique on April 18, 2013 at 6:22 am

    What’s wrong with Friday Lisa? Why can you not exercise some patience around this and maybe even gain some deeper understanding about yourself in this situation in the meantime.

    We women tend to be impatient, wanting to be heard NOW instead of waiting, and through waiting, often the charge around the situation at hand has a chance to dissipate, and you get to speak from a clearer and cleaner place.


  261.  #261Lisa on April 18, 2013 at 6:37 am

    Because I’m always doing what is good for him, and his schedule and I’ve put him first. I’m working on putting me first. Taking care of me. I’ve been very very patient with this man. Most likely too patient. And I have my child with us on Friday. I’ve been going within on this matter for weeks… I’ve been doing the work on it and going deeper in… This isn’t something I’m rushing. Waiting on him to always do things when it works for him and me having to move my schedule etc around all the time.. doesn’t seem right for me. I’d prefer also not to go out with his friends on Sat. night if we can’t discuss this first.

  262.  #262Femininewoman on April 18, 2013 at 6:59 am

    Lisa he wants to discuss it on Friday. You want to discuss it today. Have you considered that he might not want to discuss it today because he knows what he did and that you are likely angry/disappointed?

    I would discuss it with him on Friday. He might also choose not to call now that the elephant is in the room. Not going out with him on Saturday could teach him that your time is valuable. Just that this could also backfire because it could come across as an ultimatum. Will you be fine without him if the outcome is not what you are looking for?

  263.  #263Lisa on April 18, 2013 at 7:15 am

    I don’t want to discuss it when I have my child up and involved with him. I’m very clear on that. She comes first. I’ll be ok without him, it will hurt, but I’ll heal and move on. I do fine on my own. And I know that there is a man out there that will stay and appreciate that I’m loyal,honest, deeply loving and respectful… and I deserve to have that reciprocated. I;ve been very respectful to him. This is the second time he has done this to me booked a fishing trip over our date without notice. So, it isn’t jumping the gun, I don’t feel. We talked in depth about it before. This is getting to the point of deal breaker for me. I want to continue, but I don’t want to be disrespected like this.. I just don’t know how to ask for it to be today… in a way that isn’t controlling.

  264.  #264IamHis on April 18, 2013 at 7:15 am

    Okay, I have a question and I feel embarrassed! (but what else is new?)

    I’m 28. I feel like I’ve strongly attracted three, super-masculine, super attractive guys who are about 21 years old.

    First one: Stared at me; appeared as though he wanted ME to approach HIM on numerous occasions, I didn’t. I was attracted to him too, but still find it difficult to talk to someone who seems STUPID attracted to me. We finally talked after months, after which he had already obtained a gf his own age. as I got to know him realized he was a great guy and very mature for his age. Still catch him staring at me, but now he seems to be angry about it? and I want to be like “you are the one TURNING AROUND to stare at me, why are you angry at me?!”

    Second one: ran into him at a coffee shop on multiple occassions, he seemed STUPID attracted to me, I was attracted to him too, though felt a little blushy/odd about HOW attracted to me he seemed.

    thought he looked familiar, turns out he was an old friend’s little brother. Yeah! Embarassing. ๐Ÿ™‚ Was very touchy-feely with me at a party, which made me feel a little squirmy, ( I like to get to know a guy a little before he starts touching me so much. That’s normal, right?! Good grief.)

    He got a gf now too, but is still nice to me, (not angry at himself for checking me out like the other guy)

    Third one: apparently first saw me in a production I was in a couple of years ago, though he didn’t tell me until we officially met.

    We didn’t officially meet for a long time. But we would run into each other quite a bit. He would always stare at me intently, not sexually, but like I was a truly beautiful woman that he was trying to figure out. His stares are really intense.

    He finally introduced himself a few months ago, and revealed to me that he had seen me in the production. He is very playful and teases me a lot, which I love. and he’s still without a gf! ๐Ÿ™‚

    It just feels weird/interesting to me that all three of these guys are 21, and there seems to be the strongest mutual attraction there.

    It never seems to be quite as strong/mutual with guys my own age, or maybe I’m just imagining that…


    Feeling curious, silly, embarrassed. Genuine feedback would feel great, though, if anybody has it…

  265.  #265Femininewoman on April 18, 2013 at 7:21 am

    Lisa I wouldn’t ask. He already knows what you think about this type of thing and unfortunately your words might only come across as nagging. It is my opinion that in cases like these action speaks louder than words. Men understand action. I would allow him to lead on this one and just do what I prefer.

  266.  #266Mercedes on April 18, 2013 at 7:21 am

    For me personally, going 5 days without talking to J would absolutely devastate me. I would not be able to handle it AT ALL and if we ended things the last time we talked on an argument, I would really, really feel the need to reach out and apologize for my part and talk to him. In my experience, men don’t like to initiate those “talks”. I don’t think sitting around feeling horrible about it and waiting, waiting, waiting for him to be ready to talk or to initiate would feel good at all and I’m all about finding what feels good…even if that goes against the “don’t lean forward” rules.

    Maybe it is loaded with expectations and maybe it is leading the relationship but sitting home doing my best to “wait” and somehow change my vibe while that’s going on would be oh so similar to playing games. It would not be authentic Mercedes at all.

    In my opinion, the situation with prplpsn28 is not one in which the man needs space and it’s time for her to give him that space. It is a situation where two people had an argument and one of them is going to have to extend the olive branch and soften it up a little. I don’t at all have a problem with that being a woman.

    5 days of not talking to J after an argument. I can’t even imagine it. I would absolutely reach out. Sometimes a guy just needs to know we care and we’re not so mad that we never want to speak to him again. A set date has come and gone and another one is coming up. Waiting around to find out if we are okay would kill me and, in my opinion, serve no purpose other than to test me to see how much patience I can pretend I have. Maybe guys can wait longer and let those dates pass without talking to us and then come back on their own time to a soft and loving woman. For me, I’d much rather find out what’s going on and take control of my own life than to wait for J to call me…especially if we were upset with each other. Letting an argument fester over days and days can, in my mind, only make it worse. Communication is sooooo key in relationships and I believe women are a little better at it for the most part so I think it makes sense that we would initiate many of these conversations.

    prplpsn28 – I’m so sorry you are going through this and getting conflicting advice here. I know how confusing that can be sometimes so I encourage you to do what feels right and good in your heart. If there is absolutely no time for you to meet (not even for lunch or coffee or a quick chat before going home to bed at night) then I would (me personally, not advice for you) call. I could never let something like this hang in the air for so long.

    Dominique: I do realize that men have different timelines than we do and that 5 days may not seem long to him but I don’t agree that after an argument a man gets to take all the time he needs while the woman waits for it to be enough time for him. Sometimes, as women, we can reach out and let a man know what we want and what we’re feeling. I think that’s okay. I do initiate in my relationship sometimes…maybe even often (conversations, sex, dinner date ideas, travel plans, business plans). It has never been detrimental to our relationship…particularly when I really do have a need or desire I want to convey. I believe most men are open to that as long as they are approached in a loving and calm manner. Come at them with drama and they’ll run again but initiating this conversation with love and tenderness will most likely help draw him closer…I don’t see how waiting it out will do that at all.

    Two different views, nothing wrong with either. I believe this is why people really do need to go deep inside and find out what they need and want and then pursue that. Men and women both. And if initiating a conversation or meeting feels good then I see no reason to hold back and wait while feeling bad and feeling worse as the days go on.

    In situations where a man is pulling back and giving all the signs that he needs some time and space and where a woman clearly needs to do some work inside of herself so she can be in a good place to meet him, my advice would be a lot different. In a case where there was an argument and someone needs to start the tenderness and love cycle again…well…this is it for me.

    Much Love,

  267.  #267Dominique on April 18, 2013 at 7:32 am

    Miss M – I completely understand where you are coming from, yet I see two VERY different relationships here. Yours is solid; you love together and have been together for a number of years. So reaching out, aside from it being your personality, would be even MY suggestion. I would do the same myself with K.

    I don’t see the same thing here with purple (sorry I can never remember your moniker, and it’s easier for me to call you purple. forgive me if it offends you, and I won’t do it anymore). This seems to be an emerging pattern with this relationship. And even though they’ve been what she thought has been close, this recent behavior of his has me question this and more. (again forgive me purple for speaking about you when you’re not here).

    I think she has some thinking to do here, and I think he does as well.

    If this is STILL weighing as heavily on her within 10 days to two weeks and he STILL hasn’t contacted her, then I may very well change my view on this.


  268.  #268Femininewoman on April 18, 2013 at 7:45 am

    Relationships are not static. A real life relationship which passes from the dating to phase into well โ€“ real relationship โ€“ doesnโ€™t mean it is doomed to fall into a rut, a pattern of habit, or worse where you feel like roommates. It doesnโ€™t have to lose its fun, its playfulness, its chemistry, its connection, or its passion whatsoever.

    Yes a relationship will change. The phases will shift and transform. And maybe the intensity which comes from the excitement of new love will soften.

    YET the intensity of deepening intimacy will phase in and replace what you THINK you want to hold onto forever.

  269.  #269Mercedes on April 18, 2013 at 7:46 am

    Dominique: ๐Ÿ™‚ No way would I wait 10 days to two weeks. Absolutely never. No way no how. Nope. lol.

    J and I were not always like this. As you know, we were not always solid and together…things were very bad. They didn’t get better by us letting arguments go on and on and on while I waited for him . Between the two of us, one would reach out by the next day. No matter what, we always knew it wasn’t so bad that we couldn’t talk about it (except after the cheating…that was way different. I’m talking about when we were not all that close and we would argue).

    This man (and I also apologize for analyzing this without Purple here – I like Purple too and also hope that works) recently made a huge step by arranging things to see her regularly and on her schedule and near her home and keeping her children in mind. He really, really stepped up and totally made her happy. Then they have one text fight and she stops speaking to him? There’s a good chance he has no idea she’s waiting for him and that she’s trying to be feminine and let him take the lead. For all he knows, she’s still angry and not receptive to talking through this at all. That’s a hard thing for a man to overcome. She kind of has the upper hand here because she already knows what she wants. He has no way of knowing that until she tells him.

    I don’t know. This feels like stubborn to me and one of them will have to reach out. She misses him and loves him and wants him back. To me, that is the perfect way for the reaching out to begin and the making it all right conversation to happen.

    Much Love,

  270.  #270Mercedes on April 18, 2013 at 7:47 am

    I just noticed the two pictures close to each other. I do believe I have the EXACT same smile as this guy: ๐Ÿ™‚

  271.  #271Dominique on April 18, 2013 at 9:03 am

    I see your point Miss M, yet most men are not afraid of our moods and emotions. They are accustomed to this, so a little anger will not put him off.

    I don’t recall exactly what Purple said or if it was even posted here. If I could see this to see this, I might be convinced otherwise and ask her to indeed reach out and apologize, though nothing more than this, eg. I feel badly for……I’m sorry.

    And that’s it. It would be then up to him to pick up the ball or not.


  272.  #272Mercedes on April 18, 2013 at 9:35 am

    Dominique: I’m trying to adjust my view on this, I really am and I love that you are still posting about it so I can read your thoughts behind it. It’s just that for me, it’s more than the apology. I don’t even know if she needs to apologize (I also can’t remember what was said. That’s just one example of why he might be holding back or what she might need to say).

    For me it’s about being real and not reaching out when you are missing someone that you are in a relationship with is not being real (again, I think it would be different if he was pulling back and needing his space. I say this in the context of a recent argument has just taken place).

    “I miss you and I love you” and if needed “I’m sorry”. There is just nothing, not one single thing about those words that can be harmful to a relationship. They’ve been together I believe 18 or 19 months??? Something like that. Reaching out, letting him know you care, letting him know it isn’t “over” in your eyes and trying to communicate again simply isn’t going to hurt a thing. If he’s done, he’s done and a little leaning forward isn’t going to hurt anything or change that. If he’s not done, then a little leaning forward is only going to show him how much she cares.

    Either way, doesn’t seem to me it would hurt anything. May not change anything at all, might just bring him closer, absolutely isn’t going to make things worse. How much worse can it possibly be? They’re not even communicating with each other…

    I’m trying, really trying to see a reason or a benefit behind waiting so long to reach out after an argument but I just can’t make it register as a good thing in my heart.

    Goes both ways. I don’t think it’s a good thing that HE isn’t reaching out either (and if I had a way to talk to him, I would be giving him the EXACT same advice here…). I think someone should start the communication and if I were in that situation, I wouldn’t even hesitate to allow that someone to be me…as long as I was feeling those feelings of love and missing him. If I was feeling mostly angry, I’d hold back until that part could be worked through on my own. Love and missing though…those things can and should be said and it doesn’t really matter to me who says them first.

    Letting days and even weeks go by after an argument with neither party being willing to start the process of healing though? That sounds like relationship trouble to me. One person has to take the gentle approach to ending this silence and hurt. In my heart and in my mind, that person does not always have to be a man.

    Much Love,

  273.  #273seahorse on April 18, 2013 at 9:40 am

    Good morning Sirens! I have a question, be first, here’s what happened. Yesterday had a small, very small text thing with ex about our daughter. I felt anger. ‘I’, the part that observes and listens to the voices, caught something. I observed the voice trying to talk me out of the anger, ohhh boy……….I can feel it bubbling up here comes the writing….. The voices wwere saying it was wrong, you don’t get to feel that your stupid your wrong listen to me! your wrong agree with me!! More and more years and years little miss high and mighty you don’t get to stick up for yourself. Your wrong forr those feelings!!! Shut up shut up years an years of it it different forms.

    So,while I was feeling shoulders creeping up and tight tight tight and my breathe was being held, I listened more and it was love(?)…… come out come out where ever you are………. This feels good but strange writing this…..breathe breathe breathe……. I loosed and sat up. It was strange I was driving and being present but it was all happening and the voice was getting stronger in there and was mad. Cussing and kicking at nothing. Thats what it felt looked(?) like in there. ‘I’ the me was watching and listening, saying Something is new, what is that? Changes changes changes. So,I just let it be and went about doing stuff and it didn’t leave. What was that? In the back of my mind, what was that? Went to bed and dreamt, I don’t remember what it was only that, I woke up antsy. What was that was still there…So strange but let it just go on and then, and I don’t remember what triggered it but,get this——– I got a present and old friend lost but not forgotten…. my ANGER!!!!!!!!! WOOOOO FN HOOOOOOOO!!!!! She’s back and I love her and she’s perfect!!! Changed, matured…… i’m not afraid of her. No more fear of being angry. They were wrong, she’s mine and she’s lovely. I missed her and I felt so sorry for not listening to her. I loved on her this morning and apologized and we made friends and she loves me and I her.

    I feel a huge piece has been put back in place and I am grateful.’s the question…….. Why do I feel such self respect????? I don’t know if thats the right word. i feel complete and straighter, taller head up chin up. What does this mean? i love it am I on the right track? I feel excited and i feel nervous, not scared, anticipation maybe about what else is coming.

    Oh ya, This is the hardest thing bseides giving birth I have ever done. So worth it and heavens to betsy IT FEELS MARVELOUS!!!!

  274.  #274Dominique on April 18, 2013 at 9:43 am

    Miss M – My concern about this particular situation with Purple is that she’s not wanting to reach out from a clean place, and what I mean by this is that it’s her anxiety which is driving her. Not a clear sense of wanting to end the impasse or what seems like one. It seems to me that she’s looking to him to make her feel better.

    Again Purple I’m sorry for discussing this without you being here.

    And I’m still hung up on men NOT being afraid of our emotions. A man will not tend to hesitate, pout, fear reaching out. What you describe here sounds more like something a woman would do and feel.


  275.  #275BeLoved on April 18, 2013 at 9:46 am

    Mercedes and Dominique – I am SOOOOO appreciating this dialogue between you and I’m learning something here…..
    things are going really good with T, and suddenly I have a FLOOD of male attention via online dating because I didn’t know my profile was hidden all this time..
    and, I’m noticing, I really do not want to get swept up in having fun with local guys and be distracted from my heart’s desire of moving to OR

    I need to get more clear on my needs, wants, desires and communicate that to T. After 11 years of knowing each other inside and out, there’s no reason to be coy, or play wait-and-see-who-claims-me.

    This morning I was noticing my profound need for predictability – something I had shamed myself for in the past – and yet I realize now, that I can count on T ‘s predictability – I can count on him to love me, to want to work things out, to want to be a force of love and harmony and inclusion. I can count on him to surprise me ๐Ÿ™‚

    He knows what a treasure he has in me.
    I totally want a ring on my finger…
    I don’t want to wait a year to be in OR
    I don’t really want to live in the city he lives in, I believe I’ll be happier in a nearby city…
    there’s more but I’m going to go back in my mind now and think and feel some more ๐Ÿ™‚

  276.  #276Dominique on April 18, 2013 at 9:50 am

    seahorse – what does it matter why? it is what it is, so please ENJOY. ๐Ÿ™‚


  277.  #277Mercedes on April 18, 2013 at 9:57 am

    Ok…I think I’m confused or I’m confusing the two of us. lol!!!

    It was after I asked her to go deep inside herself to see what she wants and needs from this man and what her predominant feelings are right now that I suggested she was in a place where she could reach out to him. I wouldn’t recommend doing it spontaneously, only after truly looking inside. What she came back with was “I miss him terribly. I want a commitment with him. No doubts.” – If those are the predominant feelings deep inside then I see no harm in saying them. That doesn’t feel like anxiety to me. It feels like sadness and missing and wanting and loving – all things which can and should be shared with our men (in my opinion).

    As far as him being afraid, I don’t think I ever mentioned that. I think he could believe she is done. Angry. Not wanting to work through it. I don’t see him as being afraid…I see him as not acting because that’s how he believes she wants it (he has no way of knowing what she wants at this point…she hasn’t told him). I also believe he could still be angry and stubborn. Also a case where her reaching out could calm that. I don’t think he’s afraid to reach out first. I think he’s simply NOT reaching out first (just like her). And I think that’s wrong on both parts. Someone really should break the silence and since I can’t talk to them both, I direct that advice to Purple.

    Much Love,

  278.  #278Mercedes on April 18, 2013 at 9:58 am

    Seahorse: I had a similar feeling when I found my anger. Liberating. Free. Powerful (in a good way). Strong. Confident. Happy. A lot of that. I don’t know why but realizing it’s okay to feel anger was a huge experience for me too. Once I got that, I never let it go again.

    Much Love,

  279.  #279Femininewoman on April 18, 2013 at 9:59 am

    Dominique/Mercedes I find the conversation interesting. I hope she doesn’t mind me reposting what was written just two days ago:-

    prplpsn28 says:

    Now today Iโ€™m feeling mad, angry, upset. Instead of facing the problem head on and discussing it and resolving it and forgetting about it and moving on he chooses to turn his back and ignore me. I hate that! Seems to me heโ€™s being childish. At this point I almost donโ€™t even want to hear from him. This has always been how he handles conflict. And it drives me nuts. Tonight is the night that we would normally have our every Tuesday night dinner at the local restaurant. See what happens

  280.  #280Femininewoman on April 18, 2013 at 10:00 am

    The comment about conflict is very important here, is my humble opinion.

  281.  #281Mercedes on April 18, 2013 at 10:10 am

    FW: 278. I remember that and it was at that point I asked her to look inside. I responded with:

    “Maybe you can wait until you can honestly say that overwhelmingly whatโ€™s going on inside of you is: โ€œI miss you. Very, very much.โ€. Right now, if overwhelmingly you see him as being rude, disrespectful and childish then I wouldnโ€™t reach out. Feeling that way about a man and talking to him would most likely not draw him closer to you emotionally. โ€œI miss you so muchโ€ will usually have that affect.”

    After we discussed looking inside herself and we uncovered what she says are the predominant emotions (the real ones), I responded with:

    “Then I think you should reach out to him and invite him to meet you. Right now, itโ€™s like the two of you are in a standoff. He probably believes that you should be the first to reach out to him as much as you believe he should be the first to reach out. Especially if he thinks you should apologize to him. If he thinks that, then heโ€™s probably being stubborn waiting for you to do so.”

    I don’t know if any of this is right, but it’s what I would most likely do if I were in the situation.

    Much Love,

  282.  #282Lisa on April 18, 2013 at 10:10 am

    @Dominique I love how you explained it as a “clean place” and I call it clear place. I love it when I’ve gone inside and found my peace first and then reach out from a place of unconditional love and peace rather than neediness and a need for someone else to make me feel better.. ( I’m still working on that part though – not a master of it yet). I don’t have Rori’s tools down pat yet, but coming from a place of being “clean” has been my mantra for a long time… I think it makes such a big difference of how the energy is exchanged. For me it mean’s I love myself and therefore I don’t need you to be anything other than who you are… anyways again… I’m still a work in progress on this and when triggers happen… I need to remind myself of this constantly.

  283.  #283Dominique on April 18, 2013 at 10:11 am

    I do agree Femininewoman.

    And Miss M, despite what Purple has said, I do still get the sense that she’s looking to him to make these awful feelings go away. And that it’s not simply about missing him.

    I don’t have a definitive answer here. I don’t anyone that does. Only Purple can know, and it’s up to her to make her choice no matter what it is.

    And no matter what the outcome is, she will learn and grow from this if she wishes to.


  284.  #284Mercedes on April 18, 2013 at 10:15 am

    Yes Dominique…if we’re going with despite what she said, then the advice is very different from me too. My advice comes from a place of her going inside and finding out what she really, really wants, thinks and feels before making any decisions. If her answers to me were not what is really going on then I would absolutely change my advice. I gave advice based on what she told me (which did feel very real to me). If she is truly in a place of anxiety and neediness and wanting him to be responsible for her happiness…nope…my advice is as above: “Maybe you can wait until you can honestly say that overwhelmingly whatโ€™s going on inside of you is: โ€œI miss you. Very, very much.โ€.

    Much Love,

  285.  #285Mercedes on April 18, 2013 at 10:17 am

    (((((((Prplpsn28))))))) I think we are all learning and healing from you today. I hope you are well and taking extra good care of yourself.

    Much Love,

  286.  #286Femininewoman on April 18, 2013 at 10:22 am

    It is helping me to settle into knowing that “I feel proud of my man and want him to choose to be with me”.

  287.  #287Indigo on April 18, 2013 at 10:54 am

    Such an interesting discussion here between Mercedes and Dominique, and both have points which resonate with me beautifully.

    I am struggling to imagine an 18 month relationship where you don’t talk for 5 days. I have never experienced such a thing.

  288.  #288Lisa on April 18, 2013 at 11:22 am

    @Dominique I’m new to the blog … I was hoping to find a post where I though you had posted that “you can’t do the wrong thing with the right man”…. can you direct me.. was it an article or just a post?

  289.  #289prplpsn28 on April 18, 2013 at 11:35 am

    Wow! Didn’t know that my situation would bring up so much discussion. It’s great tho. I don’t mind at all. It’s been extremely interesting and helpful. And yes I have gotten past the anger and I truly am in a place where I miss him and I very much want him in my life.

  290.  #290prplpsn28 on April 18, 2013 at 11:45 am

    Lisa…I remember seeing that too. โ€œyou canโ€™t do the wrong thing with the right manโ€

    And if that’s true then I believe I feel in my heart that I need to reach out to him.

  291.  #291seahorse on April 18, 2013 at 12:10 pm

    Ha!!!!!! It feels STUPENDOUS!!!!!!!! Like the formula of me is ………. changing? Becoming whole and …… big and it’s WONDERFUL!!!! I can feel it and it’s ……. she’s sassy. Sassy McSassy pants. Saucy!!! HOT!! A dimension that was forgotten in my personality. Yes!yes yes yes yes!!! Hahahahahaahaha!!! This is it!!

  292.  #292seahorse on April 18, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    YES!!!! I almost want to tattoo that on myself somewhere. Easy there sassy pants!! Hahahahaha

    “You can’t do the wrong thing with the right man”

  293.  #293Dominique on April 18, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    Lisa – 287 – This phrase has been around for a long time, and I’m not sure who coined it, and likely even if I could remember, it has probably been around even longer than that.

    I use it as does Rori as does Orna and certainly others.

    I will look to see if I can find an article of mine that might get into this in more depth.


  294.  #294seahorse on April 18, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    Hey there prplpsn28!! Can I call you purple? Or what about 28??? If not, cool beans, it’s hard to write out. Ld’s are stinkers!! And that was a lovely discussion, I have taken note of how beautifully all things were acknowledged and it was lovely and flowing. It felt flowing:)

  295.  #295Dominique on April 18, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    Purple – You were on my mind the whole time I was away from here this past couple of hours.

    I think at this point after all of this time and all you’ve been through, you have nothing to lose by reaching out despite what I said earlier.

    I don’t want you to make this a habit which I think you already know, and I also don’t want you to expect anything from this.

    I DO want you to be as open to whatever happens as possible.

    And keep it simple, to the point. Something like – I feel badly how things were left the other day. I miss you.


  296.  #296Dominique on April 18, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    Purple – This is for you.


  297.  #297seahorse on April 18, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    Wait…………. Prplpsn28, I feel embarrassed to ask this, I have had some difficulities writing out your name. Would it feel good to you if I write it differently? What do you think?

  298.  #298prplpsn28 on April 18, 2013 at 12:24 pm

    @ seahorse…thank you. I loved everything they had to say as well. And’s perfectly fine to call me purple. That goes for everyone on here. That happens to be my favorite color.

  299.  #299Dominique on April 18, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    This one is relevant as well –


  300.  #300seahorse on April 18, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    Most excellent PURPLE!!!!!!!! That felt soothing to read! Thank you! I am feeling proud of us. It’s shiny and giggly:)

  301.  #301Dominique on April 18, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    Lisa – I can’t find an article right now which addresses this specifically, yet here are a few which do adress this indirectly –


  302.  #302Dominique on April 18, 2013 at 12:34 pm

  303.  #303Dominique on April 18, 2013 at 12:34 pm

  304.  #304Dominique on April 18, 2013 at 12:35 pm

  305.  #305Dominique on April 18, 2013 at 12:35 pm

  306.  #306prplpsn28 on April 18, 2013 at 12:35 pm

    @ Dominique…thank you for the links and what exactly do you mean by “I donโ€™t want you to make this a habit which I think you already know, and I also donโ€™t want you to expect anything from this.” You mean to not reach out?

    @ seahorse…I wish I was as shiny and giggly as you! I’m working on it tho ๐Ÿ™‚

  307.  #307Dominique on April 18, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    For anyone interested since this comes up frequently.


  308.  #308Lisa on April 18, 2013 at 12:39 pm

    @Dominique 292 Oh I didn’t know that had been around a long time. Do you and Rori believe it to be true? I’m certainly finding peace with that.. knowing that I don’t have to “always do it right”. I’m also finding more clarity in this dead space between M and me today. I’m finding myself, my priorities have been neglected and I’m finding my addiction …. and it is men and control… and I’m feeling like I’m going through withdrawls.. and it feels good in between the fearful thoughts… I’m excited to break this cycle of addiction that my mother passed down to me… that your “man” is the most important thing in your life (if not that then finding one is). I can see where that causes so much focus on men and that is why my power is gone… I give it away. I’m taking time today to see if he is what I really want as he is NOW… and I’m feeling NO b/c he isn’t the person I fell in love with and things has changed. I do my very very best when I’m in a relationship and I’m tired of having to be perfect to make it work. I really need to have respect and communication. I feel he pretended to be interested in my interests in life and now I’m finding out he really wasn’t. I love him dearly and love isn’t all that is needed to make a relationship work. I don’t do well with men that are so focused on rigid routines and discipline… never have… I need to pay attention to these things before I get too deep in this and regret it later… The dead space is ok with me now, b/c I’m focusing on what I want now.. instead of being fearful of losing him.

  309.  #309Dominique on April 18, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    Yes Purple, and I hope you truly don’t mind I renamed you. I have a habit of doing this around here, lol. Feel relieved though that it’s your favorite color. ๐Ÿ™‚

    So back to your question. Until you are feeling more secure and safe within this relationship, I would suggest to keep your reaching out first to a minimum.

    Later when there is better flow, then the who reaches out first will do just that, flow. And you will begin to recognize and feel when it’s too much from your end. You will feel the energy shift which won’t feel all that good.


  310.  #310Dominique on April 18, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    Lisa – 307 – In answer to your question, yes and no. I think mostly this is so, yet there are many ways to look at this.

    What if you say something really, really horrible. If the man leaves you, then was he just not the right man, or was what you did too, too?

    The same thing applies to actions.

    Where would this man’s limits be?

    Yet if you loved this man so deeply, you likely wouldn’t say or do things really, really horrible.

    We all say and do stupid things, men and women alike, and we all say and do things we may not really mean. A good man would get that. Probably better than many women.

    So I guess my answer would in the end be yes. I’m speaking for myself. I can only offer you what I think Rori believes from our talks, and I would think she would agree. ๐Ÿ™‚

    And it’s okay to make mistakes. I prefer to look at mistakes as not mistakes at all but as opportunities for learning and growing.

    Your processing here is beautiful.


  311.  #311Lisa on April 18, 2013 at 1:08 pm

    @Dominique 309 that brings tears Thanks!… My whole life I’ve lived in fear that if I do or say the wrong thing a man won’t love me.. or for that matter anyone won’t love me… When I conveyed my message last night.. I did it without using the “you” words.. and I used I feel and as what do you think? I did my very best!… and if that causes him to run, then it just wasn’t right.. which I can certainly find it.. since I’m having doubts myself… I don’t want to walk on eggshells anymore… its too hard.. it hurts.. and it feels awful… I keep remembering what Rori said in her book… not to put up with subpar behavior. I have to be looking out for me… b/c no one else is. I love this forum!!. I’m so grateful for it. I’m crying b/c I feel such relief that I can trust him to do what he needs to do for himself and his own processing.. with or without me.. and I can love me and take care of me… and no mistakes.. I have to have faith that there is a man that will allow me to make mistakes and be myself… trying to be perfect to get love is horrible, I’ve done it my whole life and I’m 50!. With much love! OOXX ps your article really are helping me..

  312.  #312BeLoved on April 18, 2013 at 1:08 pm

    I called him and, after confirming that it was a good time to throw a lot of stuff at him,
    I basically told him I don’t want to spend another second in Houston that I don’t have to, I want to be married with him, I want a ring on my finger, I want to be with him, I don’t want to waste any more time dating anyone else….

    He said a LOT of things, but the gist of it was, he’s been thinking about the same things, we are on the same page, how soon can I be there and can he get me a plane ticket?

    Honest I never thought we’d ever be so connected and partnered as we are, although I had dreamed of it…
    thank you Gay and Katie Hendricks, thank you Rori, thank you Elsie for turning me on to the Queen’s Code, thank you BELOVED for USING the tools and workin’ them and for never giving up on love.

    To be continued…

  313.  #313Femininewoman on April 18, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    oh my BeLoved

  314.  #314prplpsn28 on April 18, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    Ok. I’ve decided to reach out to H. It’s scary but it needs to be done. Now…I have seen what many have said in regards to texting. Texting for H and I really works the best for contacting each other cuz of his work and personal schedule. He is not readily available to answer his phone. Ok for me to just reach out this way and say I’m sorry for how things ended the other day, I miss you. ?? Any discussions after that would be done in person.

  315.  #315Lisa on April 18, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    I’m so excited! he finally called…I waited and I processed my own crap… looked deeply at my own fear of being loved ( thanks to Dominiques article) and he said I’m soo very sorry, I messed up. I didn’t take your feelings into consideration. He said Thank you for helping me better at relationships! I took it in… I didn’t need to sugar sweet the compliment.. I allowed the silence and it was sweet! I’m learning, he is learning…. I’ll see him tonight and he said, I’m going to hold you tight and kiss you and be with you! This is amazing work here! So very grateful for all you women! Thanks Dominique!

  316.  #316Mercedes on April 18, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    Dominique: I love this! “Until you are feeling more secure and safe within this relationship, I would suggest to keep your reaching out first to a minimum.

    Later when there is better flow, then the who reaches out first will do just that, flow. And you will begin to recognize and feel when itโ€™s too much from your end. You will feel the energy shift which wonโ€™t feel all that good.” LOVE< LOVE< LOVE!!!

    Beloved: Wow! I wish nothing but happiness for you in your new adventure! I hope we can get together for coffee one more time before you leave…that would be awesome!

    Much Love,

  317.  #317BeLoved on April 18, 2013 at 2:18 pm

    Of course, it wasn’t nearly as succinct as that, we’re both very thinky, talky people, hehe.

    For the astrology-minded – I’m an Aquarius, Leo rising, he’s a Leo, Aquarius rising, learning to dance with the polarity.

    Mercedes and thank youuuuuuuuuuu!!! I would love to get together with you again before I go! I might even get to see your space when it opens, unless a miracle happens (and I’m WIDE open to a miracle, thank you!) it will still be a couple of months before I wrap up loose ends here.

    I wanted to pay my mother off before I go, but I just don’t see the sense in torturing myself at my job for another year, when I could make the same pay plus split my expenses with T and housemates and BE with T and housemates in a place I loveloveove.

    I’m going through my closets and cleaning out stuff to donate already.
    Iz good.
    I feel so much relief.
    Geez it took me a long time to get to this ๐Ÿ™‚

  318.  #318BeLoved on April 18, 2013 at 2:20 pm

    Thank you thank you all Sirens!!!

  319.  #319Mercedes on April 18, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    BeLoved: It will be a few months before we are open, but maybe before you go you’ll at least be able to see the beginning stages and the plans for what it WILL look like. In any case, yes, we should meet…after things settle down for me some. Be sure to let me know before you leave though. Even if things are crazy, I’ll be sure to make time!

    Much Love,

  320.  #320prplpsn28 on April 18, 2013 at 3:21 pm

    Everything else aside….I’m curious about something and would appreciate any input. If he comes to you in a face to face discussion and says that what he has with you is more then “friends with benefits” and that he has no interest at all in dating anyone else and doesn’t believe in dating more then one person at a time….could that be his way of saying he’s committed and exclusive with you? I have heard someone say on here in a previous thread (and I don’t remember exactly how it was worded) that you don’t necessarily have to have “the talk” and mention “those words” in order to be exclusive .

  321.  #321Lisa on April 18, 2013 at 3:44 pm

    With me… M brought it up too! He said basically the same thing… but he said “Ive turned off my profile and I’m giving you my total attention” I don’t want to date anyone else. Then in a few weeks he said. Are we committed are we a couple. I explained that there was a difference. Then I think a day or two later, I said yes we are a couple and I’m exclusive with you. So he didn’t really come out and say it, I’m committed to you and will you be committed to me… but it was enough that we both understood.

  322.  #322k2012 on April 18, 2013 at 4:31 pm

    70-Feminine Woman “I am a Goddess who does not do casual sex.” High five for that comment FW. I echo the same thing girl. Me too. Not a casual sex I don’t do. And I am not afraid to tell a man that. We as women have to state our boundaries and speak up. As far as I am concerned, I only have sex in the context of a relationship. I once told long time ex this-the guy who wanted me back and he has remarried. No sah, I can’t have sex with a man outside the context of a relationship. And I will state that CLEARLY. If the man doesn’t like it, he can disappear if he wants. That is a way of weeding out the undesirables. If its casual sex they want, then I am outta there. Some men might try to let women believe that they want a genuine relationship, when all they want is sex. If I ever discover after I have slept with them and notice a pattern of the guy just showing up only when they want sex, I cut them loose. While I may be attached already, as soon as I notice that is all they want, I gradually distance myself and end things with them. I did this with a guy I was involved with for 9 months sometime in 2007-2007. He would only show up when he wanted sex. As soon as I noticed and complained to him, I would watch to see if there was any improvement. After talking and talking and seeing no improvement, no phone calls or visits during the holidays and other critical times, I ended it. “I sometimes tell them I feel totally uncomfortable discussing my private life with strangers.”. You are absolutely right in doing this in my opinion. They have just met you and asking certain private questions is not acceptable at this stage.

  323.  #323k2012 on April 18, 2013 at 4:42 pm

    318-prp28. “If he comes to you in a face to face discussion and says that what he has with you is more then โ€œfriends with benefitsโ€ and that he has no interest at all in dating anyone else and doesnโ€™t believe in dating more then one person at a timeโ€ฆ.could that be his way of saying heโ€™s committed and exclusive with you?”. If a man says this to you Prp, that means he is committed and wants to be exclusive with you. Yes definitely. Some men will tell you straight up. Other men will show it in their actions. My sister’s fiance showed her early in the relationship after a few months that he wanted a commitment and she told me the words that he used. He made up his mind very quickly. After years of experience in relationships, he has finally met his wife (my sister) and he was quite clear to her what he wanted. So a man can tell u up front or he will show it in his actions.

  324.  #324Dominique on April 18, 2013 at 4:53 pm

    Lisa – 313 – Awesome!!! And you’re welcome. ๐Ÿ™‚


  325.  #325Dominique on April 18, 2013 at 4:56 pm

    Purple – 318 – That sounds like something I would say and likely did.

    And in answer to your question – YES.


  326.  #326Lynn S. on April 18, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    EFT is so simple that for some it’s difficult to see the value in it. You really don’t have to believe in its effectiveness… just try it and you’ll see why there is so much information available on the subject. Another technique that I have recently been introduced to that is very effective is EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).

  327.  #327prplpsn28 on April 18, 2013 at 5:33 pm

    Thank you k2012 and Dominique…that makes me feel better ๐Ÿ™‚ Hoping that my reaching out (in regards to previous discussions) will go well.

  328.  #328k2012 on April 18, 2013 at 6:57 pm

    “The comment about conflict is very important here, is my humble opinion.” FW. I agree with FW woman. That jumped out at me too. I can recall one of my sisters telling me that a guy who she was involved with before her fiance would deal with conflict by disappearing/no contact for a few days. That is not good at all. Prp, I know u will see this. Watch this very carefully. Encourage him to speak about conflicts but of course u cannot change him. It is not good when they deal with conflicts that way as if in the event that bigger problems occur, he won’t be able to deal with it.

  329.  #329k2012 on April 18, 2013 at 7:23 pm

    I keep making errors while typing. Correction to an earlier post above should read “2007-2008.

  330.  #330janie baby on April 18, 2013 at 9:17 pm

    Dominique and other ladies,
    I have a question about easing anxiety in a relationship. I don’t know why I feel it sometimes, but I feel really dependent on my guy sleeping over at my place. Not on the weekends, but he usually sleeps over Sunday-Thursday. Before it was a fun thing and if he didn’t come one night after work (he works in the nightclub industry so gets off around 2 am) it was whatever for me. Now though, I get anxious. Last night he called me saying since he’s really tired he might just go home and i said noo comeee and he said ok i’ll come and it was fine and when he came i told him how i feel anxious when he’s not here and i’m scared of getting attached and he said “well i’m not going anywhere so you shouldnt be scared. maybe you’re insecure but all i can do is keep loving you”

    which was extremly sweet. he said he was coming tonight but i know today he had to work two shifts so i don’t know if he’ll be extra tired around 3 30 am or 4.. and i am starting to feel anxious about it??

    so ridiculous right??

    i’ll even fall asleep and wake up naturally around that time and feel uneasy until he’s here…

    Hmm. WHat’s going on here? How do I deal with this?

  331.  #331Indigo on April 18, 2013 at 10:38 pm


    There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries with your parents. I have done this to very positive effect with mine.

  332.  #332Tereana on April 18, 2013 at 11:57 pm

    Thanks for the hugs and support, ladies!

    Indigo, I wish that setting boundaries “worked” with my mom. I’ve been trying for years. But it doesn’t. I have to keep it to myself, and let the boundary be within me. She cannot handle or understand boundaries with another person. That’s just the way it is.

    My aunt (her sister) is coming to visit soon, and I’m really looking forward to it. Both my aunts are completely different than my mom, and support me in ways that I appreciate. They’ve lived with her. I think they understand what she is like…

  333.  #333Tereana on April 19, 2013 at 12:03 am

    Lisa – I’m not going to be much help. Not too long ago, I let a guy go before I even saw him because he scheduled a haircut at the exact time of our date. He seemed like a nice guy, but I just couldn’t deal with the nonchalant way in which he treated my/our time together. It happened not five minutes after we agreed on the time of the date.

    I felt a little overreactive about it. But I trusted my gut that it just didn’t feel right. And I’d this was how it was on the first date, it wasn’t going to get any better.

    So, I know you already have a history with this guy. And I don’t think I am much help. But maybe just think about what your priorities are…

  334.  #334Tereana on April 19, 2013 at 12:11 am

    I had a painful appointment with my gyno today. I’ve been bleeding and cramping all day : ( and all she did was a pap…

    Anyway, I still haven’t contacted dCD, nor have heard from him. I’m basically planning to make a date withy self tomorrow. I think I could use it. And seeing a girl friend on Saturday.

    He might be seeing someone else.

    I get feelings about these things. And usually, I don’t want to know when I’m right.

    I thought that was the case about my cute Chicago boy. Then when he contacted me over the weekend, I made the mistake of mentioning it. He said he’d been dating someone, but it was over. Whatever. I don’t think he’ll be contacting me again.

    And I can’t control what dancingCD does. If he wants to see me, he’ll ask *bites fingers*

  335.  #335Indigo on April 19, 2013 at 3:46 am

    Hey Tereana,

    Well, you’re right in a way, in that setting boundaries is about what feels good for you, not about having a particular effect on the other person.

    So I have learned to just state my boundary and be gently assertive in sticking by it, and not worrying about whether the other person “gets it”. Chances are, they don’t really. But you can get them to respect your boundaries, if you make it clear it is a prerequisite for interacting with you.

    For me, a funny thing happened once I started getting comfortable setting boundaries with my mom. Her eccentric behaviour bothered me less, and I started having much more patience with her, knowing that I trusted myself to speak up or walk away as soon as something got a bit much.

    Not saying it’s the same with you, just my experience!

  336.  #336prplpsn28 on April 19, 2013 at 4:52 am

    @ Dominique…well I reached out to H last night. Said simply “hey. I feel badly about how things were left the other night. Miss you”. Over an hour later he responded “I’m driving a truck and trailer at the moment. Delivering a car.” Not something he would normally be doing especially late at night but could be possible. So I let it go and am still waiting for him to reply again. Gonna try and be calm and go about my day. Feels great to have reached out and break the ice but I feel some anxiety. The ball is in his court now. Help!

  337.  #337Dominique on April 19, 2013 at 5:28 am

    janie baby – 327 – This feeling of anxiety is not uncommon though it isn’t good for you. Creating stress within yourself, especially when unnecessary isn’t healthy for you.

    I think the more you or anyone becomes attached to another, fears arise about losing this person whether they leave, reject, or abandon, or even pass away. For most of us, the unconscious thought of this can feel so devastating, so some of us pull away, push away, sabotage so as to not become too close, and some fall into a pit of worry and anxiety, and some of us create both.

    Awareness is key here. When you feel these anxieties arise, soothe yourself as best as you can, whatever helps if only a little. Keep telling yourself that all is well. And keep drawing on good feeling memories with him, the more recent the better. This is your reality, not the anxiety ridden stuff. And act AS IF. Embody and BE tin these memories. They are your truth.


  338.  #338Dominique on April 19, 2013 at 5:34 am

    Purple – Yes you will feel anxious. You’ve put yourself out there, allowed yourself to be vulnerable, and this feels really scary.

    Yes the ball is in his court, and what he does with it will likely be telling. You have no control over what he does from here, and this can add to your anxiety.

    Do your best to keep your thoughts away from this. Gently encourage them elsewhere. Immerse yourself in something you love to do or something which feels good to you. Go visit a friend or family member who usually makes you laugh or at least smile. Whatever it takes to keep your stress levels low.

    Sending love. xxoo

  339.  #339Femininewoman on April 19, 2013 at 6:55 am

    “fears arise about losing this person whether they leave, reject, or abandon, or even pass away”.

    Thanks for saying that Dominique. I tend to fear them passing away. I wonder if it is related to unresolved feelings from being at a high school classmates funeral. I remember her mother looking back at us and saying “Why, why Marie”? I felt fear, mourning and indignation all at once because I remember wondering if she thought it should have been one of us instead. Now that I wrote that I feel pressure rising my head, panic around my heart, nauseous in my osephagus and trembling in my right hand.

    The other experience in my life is growing up all my life hearing my mother talk about not knowing her mother who died when she was 11 years old. That feels like the whole right side of my body is frozen or dead. Taking deep breaths to calm myself and relieve the pressure.

  340.  #340Lisa on April 19, 2013 at 11:19 am

    Question: I’ve been with M 3mos +. We don’t spend the night together much. We have amazing sex but only very few sleepovers. It concerns me!!. I’m not nit picking here, but I’ve never had this be such an issue with any other relationship. It usually just flows. I’m not sure if he is using it to create distance or what. We’ve discussed it and discussed it and nothing has changed. I’m not feeling good about it, but I don’t want to bring it up again. I haven’t ever said, I need to talk about this, it has just come up naturally in our pillowtalk convo’s. I know he has been through a lot with his last relationship that was emotionally void… her withholding sex and intimacy, then eventually squeezed him out of even just 1 hr a week. Till she got cancer and almost died. So, I want to be gentle … on the other hand, I need to feel like it’s getting somewhere. He keeps saying we’re going on a beach trip weekend… now for 3 mos. it hasn’t happened yet. I’m feeling trapped b/c I’m only dating him, circle dating but not dating another man in a romantic way. I could wait 6 mos before he is ready to spend 2 nights with me. How do you break a cycle and still be loving and take care of yourself at the same time? Anyone have any experience?

  341.  #341Femininewoman on April 19, 2013 at 11:23 am

    Lisa what kind of commitment/agreement do you have together?

  342.  #342Lisa on April 19, 2013 at 12:03 pm

    @femininewoman 341 We have marriage on the table meaning we both have said we want it. He said he wants to spend the next 40 years with me. He said he doesn’t want anyone but me. He’s found what he wants – there isn’t anyone else for him, I’m perfect for him. Our agreement is… that we are both working towards a lifetime commitment, we are a couple and exclusive sexually and even kissing. I made it clear that I will see and spend time with my Male friends ( and I do). He is introducing me to his family and friends.. His mother and Grandmother next month on their visit.