I made online friends with this incredible man, Corey Allan.  He has a terrific blog – SimpleMarriage.net, and I asked if he would write something special for us – here it is:

When you get right down to it, you hear what you expect to hear, you see what you expect to see.

Expectations change the experience.

If you walk into a conversation with a friend and expect it to be a litany of complaints about their job or relationship or the state of the world, then more than likely that’s exactly what you’ll get. At the same time, another friend could enter the same conversation with a more open approach and interest in connecting with their friend and walk away from the conversation feeling energized and excited.

So what’s the difference?

Expectation change the experience.

And this rule applies to relationships.

The patterns that infect every important relationship comes from your parents. Like it or not, the way your parents modeled marriage and family influences what you do in your own marriage and family.

If you had an affectionate relationship modeled by your parents, you will most likely carry the model forward or perhaps go to the other extreme in order to break the cycle, either way the influence is there. If your parents were good communicators when it came to the sticky topics; money, discipline/parenting styles, intimacy, then you most likely can handle the tension most people try to avoid when it comes to talking about some of the tough things in life.

If this information gets you down, don’t worry. You can change the pattern if you choose. When you understand some of the forces at work in your relationships and life, you attain the possibility of being able to have your past no longer dictate your future.

When some light is shed on this process it’s easy to see why important relationships are so much work. There are two family systems fighting to gain control of this newly formed system. Coupled with the idea that you see what you expect to see and hear what you expect to hear, no wonder there are times of conflict in your relationship.

There are many people I have worked with that are shocked at this fact. Apparently they have held on to the fairy tale version of marriage for too long. Maybe you have too. Movies and TV portray relationships as an alluring time of romance, love, laughter and joy.

You know what I mean, “and they all lived…”

If you can complete that sentence, you’ve had that illusion as well.

What do you expect from your relationship and marriage?

The onus rests on your shoulders to make the most out of your life.

If you expect things to be tough, most likely they will be. If you expect your marriage to be rocky, it will. I’m not advocating that you don’t examine reality honestly, but when you get right down to it, expectations are really just planned disappointments.

What if you change your focus or outlook on things? I’ll bet some aspects of life will begin to change as well. Problems in life and relationship are inevitable, struggling is optional.

Rather than spending a lot of time trying to change the wind in your life, adjust your sails.

Let this phrase sink in when it comes to your relationship, “I can only control me!” When you have the right view of things, you can spend less time worrying about what he is doing or why he’s not “in to you” or whatever and more time growing and improving yourself.

It’s like what Rori has written on several times before, “what you think about yourself goes a long way towards what he thinks about you.”

Try it. The next time you have a conversation or encounter with your boyfriend or husband, go into thinking “I can only handle the way I react and interact and free him to only handle himself” and see what happens. I think you may be pleasantly surprised. Let me know how it goes.

Read more from Corey at SimpleMarriage.net, and be sure to subscribe to SimpleMarriage.net’s RSS feed when you get there. Love, Rori

30 Comments

  1.  #1heartbeat on March 26, 2009 at 5:02 pm

    I love the ‘sails’ bit (in italics) and as I’m experiencing a lot of synchronicity everywhere at the moment, and I’m going windsurfing tomorrow, I will make that my motto!!

    Great post, thank you



  2.  #2heartbeat on March 26, 2009 at 5:04 pm

    first post 😉



  3.  #3Linmayu on March 26, 2009 at 10:00 pm

    Third post!

    D:

    I’ve been experimenting with just shifting my emotion to happiness and sexual arousal every time I notice that it isn’t that. It’s really hard. Well, it’s easy to get myself to experience the feelings, but the moment I do, out in the world, people start to look at me and I get scared and close up again.

    What does this have to do with how expectations change the outcome? I have yet to find out. But it’s an experiment to find out whether expecting to be happy most of the time will actually bring better circumstances into my life. Even if it doesn’t, I still win because I’ll still be happy. 😀



  4.  #4alias girl on March 26, 2009 at 10:07 pm

    i really like sex and feel like having more of it.

    i felt inspired to share that after reading linmayu’s comment.

    so i may experiment with this. i have been VERY UNDERSEXED MY WHOLE LIFE. and i like sex. i feel a desire to have more sex.



  5.  #5alias girl on March 26, 2009 at 10:52 pm

    i feel sick and shakey and scared and unsettled. my mother emailed me thru my website. i have not spoken with her in 15 yrs. even before that communication was sketchy. i have stifled rage about my family. she wants to read my book. i told her she will not feel good about it.

    i feel really unsafe. i feel really unsafe. this is probalby why i haven’t published my book yet. i kept telling myself it was bc of $ but i don’t know if that’s true. i feeling scared. i feel really alone and scared.



  6.  #6ann on March 26, 2009 at 10:58 pm

    i expected to find a new post & did lol. hope to be back on computer later



  7.  #7alias girl on March 26, 2009 at 10:59 pm

    and then the so called prince-like guy texted and i told him i felt freaked out bc my mom just emailed and he responded by telling me he had a stripper in his boxing class. i told him i felt unsupported in my feelings and to catch me another time. (uh like never would be good for me. does that sound like a good time to you?)

    he then texted and apologized and i said no problem. apology accepted.

    wtf. how the f*ck if this my fffffing life?

    and my stupid #2 said maybe he’d call back and of course he didn’t. anyway i had told him maybe i’d be around.

    shove your Maybe up your a**. maybes feel bad to me. no more maybes from guys. yes or no. f your maybes.

    iLm the one who gets to say maybe. maybe i’l have sex with you. maybe i’l take your call. maybe i’l let you spend time with me. maybe i’l choose you.

    i feel dislike for my mother. i feel rage. yet frozen. i feel frozen. frozen. 🙁



  8.  #8ann on March 26, 2009 at 11:18 pm

    ag felt like sending you a big hug.



  9.  #9alias girl on March 26, 2009 at 11:36 pm

    thank you ann. i feel good receiving your hug. i feel tears. i feel the lonely tincan feeling of having no close friends right now. all my old behaviors of self hatred came up (cutting my hair, picking at my face.) then i felt this wave of heat fill my entire body and it just felt like self loathing.

    i feel totally numb and fake fine until i type on this blog. then i feel what i am feeling.

    i feel paranoid and have weird thoughts like they’re going to come to my apt and kill me. really weird. i feel sad.

    maybe i will riff offline.

    thanks for hug. xoxo. i will remember leopard protecting me.



  10.  #10alias girl on March 27, 2009 at 12:06 am

    my family gets no more of my energy.

    no.

    i’m over it.

    come what may i am publishing my book.

    and by the way i feel confused by this post. on the one hand he’s saying our expectations predict our outcomes on the other hand he’s saying we have no control over anything (outcomes) except our own self and our reactions to things. maybe i read it wrong.



  11.  #11alias girl on March 27, 2009 at 12:20 am

    ok. i’m not a frightened 3 year old little girl anymore. i am a strong, capable, competent goddess woman connected to the earth, the universe and god. i am fearless.i i feel fearless.

    Btw Targeting Mr Right is sooooooo good.

    total goddess-in-training material.



  12.  #12alias girl on March 27, 2009 at 2:30 am

    i feel angry and mean. like i have a stern ugly mean robot face. i feel really really really angry angry angry angry angry. that feels like wanting to punch all things every single phsyical thing that exists in the universe until it all turns to dust.

    i feel like biting and clawing and ripping everything that exists. i feel incredible power in my body. i feel a clenched jaw. rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i feel furious. i feel like i could spontaneously combust. oooh oooh i feel melting. i feel an opening. i feel my body getting warmer. my breathing changed. i feel blurry teary eyes. i’d much rather feel grief and sadness and loss. i don’t want to feel mean. i feel a frowney face. i feel a headache in my right temple. i feel like i could collpase this building i am in just by my thoughts alone. i feel like i could make an earthquake happen. maybe i will. rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.



  13.  #13DocK on March 27, 2009 at 7:21 am

    RRRRRR – I LOVE this – if I were at home I would be running around clawing and ripping and robot face with you – and I am NOT making fun!! Sometimes this type of acting out just feels so good to me – and then I fall to my knees, like Rori says, and the sadness comes too like you described. Beautiful – earthquake maker!! Strong AND soft – no man can resist you Goddess!!



  14.  #14Linmayu on March 27, 2009 at 7:27 am

    I just woke up from a dream where I was in a hospital with a bunch of other gorgeous women who were suffering from injured hearts, and Rori was there leading us in physical therapy exercises! It was the best hospital ever.



  15.  #15DocK on March 27, 2009 at 7:33 am

    Linmayu – what an interesting dream and yes, that would be the most amazing hospital.

    Not too long ago, I was surrounded by people having heart issues including my father, who is doing well now, and a close friend that passed on from a massive heart attack. The day he made his transition, I came home to find the Heart Connection Toolkit in my mail.

    I feel so deeply moved when these messages fill my life.



  16.  #16Linmayu on March 27, 2009 at 7:50 am

    I also feel confused about this article, upon closer reading. He seems to be saying that if you expect a happily-ever-after fairy tale marriage, you aren’t going to get it because that’s not reality, but if you expect your marriage to be tough and rocky, it will because your expectations create the outcome? Might as well just say “you’re fucked.” I mean, shouldn’t there be romance, love, laughter, and joy in relationships? If we are not to expect those things, what’s the point of even entering into a relationship? The guys might as well walk up to us at the bar and say “Hi baby, let’s get to know each other and have a hard, miserable time together.” I feel annoyed. Just this annoying, mild, frozen annoyed. No, more than annoyed, I feel angry. So much for feeling happy all the time. I WANT to expect the fairy tale. I mean, not necessarily that I’ll meet the man of my dreams and then never have a problem in life again–but I WANT to expect romance, love, laughter and joy. Those are things I find myself meditating on often. I feel angry being told that those things aren’t the reality of relationships.

    And now the anger has passed and whoa, I do feel sad. Just mildly sad, sad because those things probably aren’t for me at all. It feels like shallow breathing, heavy head, not wanting to take up air or space or life energy. Well no wonder I can’t get turned on if I don’t even want to fucking breathe or live. I want to feel happy and turned on and alive. I begin to breathe deeply and I feel a locked place, a scar, over my heart chakra, and another locked place over my crown chakra. I feel the scar on my heart stretch painfully as I breathe into it. I feel energy begin to cycle through my body. My skin is tingling and spine is full of fire. I can see a future me, being created in this moment, so happy and lively and shining that she blesses the earth with every step she takes. No one is around her and no one needs to be, she is beautiful and radiant and a Goddess. Oh, now someone is by her, a man whispering in her ear. She’s turning away, blushing, laughing. She’s flattered but not super impressed, she’s not going to jump into his arms. She’s walking away from him with an easy, natural hip sway and damned if he isn’t following. She walks over to the edge of a pond and splashes water in his face. How fun and awesome. Can’t have romance, my ass.

    Oh! And I have something else to feel excited about, I got obsessed last night, and ordered some jade eggs–and just found out that they will arrive tomorrow! Just in time for my supposed-to-be-miserable business meeting with a certain cocksucker that I don’t really feel much of anything for anymore…



  17.  #17Mercedes on March 27, 2009 at 9:01 am

    I love this! It’s exactly how I try to manage my relationship (although I do still struggle with maintaining a good attitude when he’s in a downer one…but I’m working on that! 🙂 ).

    I do have the fairy tale in my head and in my heart and it IS what I expect (remember though…everyone’s fairy tale is different and mine doesn’t include marriage). I also know that in order to have that fairy tale, I MUST handle the tough times correctly…meaning I MUST handle MY REACTION to those tough times correctly. Life does not exist without conflicts (even with those we love) but when handled correctly, those tough times will bring two people closer together. It’s like when a couple has a child with special needs. That’s not exactly the fairy tale we want or expect but how we handle it as a couple will either bring our fairy tale with each other alive…or it will push it further away.

    I think what Corey is saying is that if we have a life in our minds that is ALL romance and roses, that’s not realistic and we will be disappointed (and it will be impossible for a man to live up to that). But…if we have a life in our minds where conflict is handled appropriately and we expect things to go smoothly and one that includes DAYS of romance and roses but not DAILY romance and roses (realistic expectations)…then…we’ll have it. (not trying to put words in his mouth…just my take on what he’s saying).

    Anyway…I do believe that what we expect is what we get but I also believe those expectations need to be realistic. I would love to see a check for $1mil in my mailbox when I get home…but there’s nothing in me that believes I should expect that. If I went to the mailbox with those unrealistic expectations, I’m going to be sorely disappointed. Now…I DO expect to make a millions dollars in my lifetime. Realistically, I know I’m going to have to work hard to make that happen…I expect it, but there are things I have to do and situations I have to handle correctly for that to be a reality in my life (and what I have to DO is NOT simply expecting the check in the mail today).

    Again…just my take on it all…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  18.  #18Corey - Simple Marriage on March 27, 2009 at 9:11 am

    @Linmayu- When it comes to the various things we want in life, the things we really want most often require work. Relationships are the same way. The expectation of relationships requiring some work will increase the likelihood that both members of the relationship will be willing to work hard to make it what they both desire.

    If you long for the romance and love, don’t settle for less in your relationships. But also be willing to do the work required to attain what you desire.



  19.  #19Linmayu on March 27, 2009 at 9:15 am

    Oh wow! I just clicked through to Corey’s blog and I feel absolutely thrilled. I mean, really? A MAN who is pro-marriage and writes about this publicly–for men as well as women? I didn’t think such animals existed. My faith in humanity has just been restored. I’ll definitely become a regular reader.



  20.  #20Rori Raye on March 27, 2009 at 9:29 am

    Whoa – Alias Girl – talk about triggers – you now have the mother of all triggers – your mother – showing up to help you. There are many ways to work through this – just know you can’t make a mistake…only that every baby-step you take will propel you forward, keep you stuck, or send you backwards (most often only temporarily) – but the KNOWLEDGE and AWARENESS you’ll gain will help you ALWAYS. Use Feeling Messages with her, say how you feel – practice being a girl with her…Riff…anything that helps. Also – say “I love you” to yourself over and over and over and over….

    Love, Rori



  21.  #21Daria on March 27, 2009 at 11:48 am

    Rori says we don’t work! It’s effortless…! GRR!! Hehehe…



  22.  #22Tracy on March 27, 2009 at 12:07 pm

    Alias,
    I feel compassion for you and sending u lots of hugs…

    Hugs

    Triza



  23.  #23alias girl on March 27, 2009 at 2:54 pm

    thank you tracey. i love hugs. hugs feel good and supportive and live a moment of protective love wrapping around me.

    thank you rori. omg. yes, my first reply had feeling messages. (i told her i felt scared shakey unsafe and ill. not all in one sentence but all those feelings came out)

    she emailed me back and i repsonded to her again today. more feeling messages. of course she has a complete revisionist take on the past but that’s ok. that’s what she needs to do for herself to feel ok and be able to have some sort of who knows. i honestly have no interest in even pursuing analzing her or anyone in my family. it was what it was. it is wwhat it is.

    i shared my truth though. i used feeling messages. i don’t think i want some fake patch over resolution with those people thiugh. they don’t feel healthy to me or quite in touch.

    i do feel very grateful for this blog. for rori. for all the beautiful sirens. for my job. for my new Targeting Mr. Right program (so worth it to me)

    i feel great love. and yes. yesterday i had to feel INTENSE FEELINGS OF RAGE. then today i woke up and was like ah, what a gift. i felt a detachment from my mind and from identifying with my thoughts.

    that is a huge gis

    dman

    dman

    damn mispells and i can’t backspace this far into it



  24.  #24alias girl on March 27, 2009 at 2:56 pm

    i am not my mind. i am not my thoughts. i do not need to identify with my mind and let it take control over the whole thing.

    ok. and this came from this mother out of nowhere experience.

    huge gift.

    i can be in my body and feel all th yumminess of life. big yum.

    aaaaahhhhhhhhhhh. xoxo



  25.  #25heartbeat on March 27, 2009 at 3:48 pm

    I feel love reading Alias Girl’s story, and awe, and connectedness xxxxxxxxxx

    All this stuff works to heal all my relating. Family, friends, strangers.

    I feel delight and wonder reading Mercedes and Linmayu and DocK’s comments here too. It’s as if we are all in the same room – with Corey and Rori too – it feels that real to me. I learn so much. Thank you.
    xxxxxxxxxx



  26.  #26alias girl on March 27, 2009 at 6:39 pm

    i feel enormous love and support. i feel tears. i feel that weird feeling in my throat. i feel energy in my tummy. i feel energy in my vagina. ah now i feel that fear feeling in my heart area. that under attack feeling. like alot of fuzzy elements in my chest and a clenching. i feel energy in my feet. i feel tears again. my feet have alot of energy. they want to run away? hehe probably.



  27.  #27Linmayu on March 27, 2009 at 7:32 pm

    I feel all special since Corey responded to my comment. Thanks so much! 😉 I also feel kind of embarrassed. I tend to go all out when I post here, and hide nothing…and I inevitably forget that occasionally it’s going to get read by a man!

    I feel glad for the clarification. I feel we’re all willing to “work” to have the kind of relationships we want, or we would not be here. Yes, it’s supposed to be effortless, but it’s ultimately going to be effortless because we’ve busted our @$$es learning to communicate with the opposite sex, to courageously handle our emotions, to CONTROL our emotions, to take care of ourselves, to be at our best physically, mentally, and otherwise, to be sexually radiant and awesome, and a million other things. My dancing is effortless because I’ve put in over 20 years of hard work training my body; my writing is effortless because I’ve spent as many years absorbing the nuances of the English language. So I think relationships can be effortless as a result of absorbing all the Rori tools into our beings.

    I feel I want to hug Alias Girl. I feel so spoiled because my family loves and supports me, and I feel sad that it is not so for everyone on this planet. And I feel somewhat powerless too, because I don’t know the details of the situation and even if I did, how can I possibly stop every person, or any person, from hurting their relatives?



  28.  #28Ann on March 27, 2009 at 7:38 pm

    I feel great to be back at the computer tonight so I can connect with everyone here.

    I’d like to share a little of my healing journeyI come from a dysfunctional family to say the least. I had(and very justifiable so) reasons to feel resentmemt, anger, rage, even contempt for both my parents. But I came to recognize through my journey that the only one hurting from the feelings I was carrying was me.

    God healed me from these feelings very mysteriously. 11 years ago in Oct. I was blessed with forgiveness and the ability to let go of all those feelings I was carrying for my father.

    He had a massive heart attack in May of 1998, he had to have a heart transplant in Oct 1998. While he was on the operatining table I had the strangest sensation start at the top of my head and go all through my body to my toes. I thought he was dead had died on the operating table. But I felt such peace I couldn’t understand.

    Let me back up just a little 5 years before I confronted my dad face to face about things he’d done to me. I loved him but couldn’t forgive him. During that time tho I came to realize there were certain things, that people could do to others that only God could give them forgiveness in their heart for.

    That’s what I experience was forgiveness for my dad and myself. Whoa you mightbe thinking you were a child WHAT THEHELL DID YOU NEED FORGIVENESS FOR?
    The child didn’t need forgiveness the adult me needed to forgive myself for allowing these feelings to control me.

    I can’t recall ever hearing my mother say I love you to me and her actions didn’t really show it either. Nothing I ever did was good enough for her. But again a very mysterious thing happened. 8 years ago my mother and I had a major blow up a couple of months after the birth of my granddaughter. We lived right next door to each other but fromApril under Dec 24 2001 we didn’t speak to each other.

    I was to the point mother or no mother to hell with you I’m tired of your treatment. I’m tired of trying to be good enough for you. I’m tired of trying to get you to love and accept me.

    I was going along happy in my life enjoying have a grandchild and all the other things going on in my life. She was bad mouthing me to family members but I was to the point I don’t need any of this family approval any longer.

    On Dec 24th there was a knock on my door. It was the florist deliverying roses to me from my mother. I knew she was saying I’m sorry. I walked next door and thank her for them. As I did I realize she wasn’t ever going to change and I had accepted that. I really didn’t need her approval anymore. I no longer try to get her acceptance, love or anything else.

    I love both my parents but I’m a adult now. I’m good enough, I love and accept me. I’m good enough for me.

    Wow I’m rambling tonight, thanks for let me share ladies

    Hugs to all



  29.  #29heartbeat on March 27, 2009 at 10:27 pm

    Ann I feel moved and inspired by your story. Thank you. xxxxxxxxxx

    No longer seeking approval feels like freedom, and I also no longer EXPECT my mother to act in the same old ways, therefore I no longer act the same or feel the same tension. I look forward to speaking with her now.

    I liked Rori’s advice to Alias Girl (about communicating with her mother). I am putting it in my backpack as I ride my Adventure Horse.